Men are the Worst! (7 Things Men Do That Drive Women Crazy)
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- Опубликовано: 9 июн 2024
- Damned if you do and damned if you don't! Ever feel this way in a relationship? Watch this video to learn how to navigate a double bind in a relationship.
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00:00 Men problems
01:30 Is it all wrong?
02:30 Double bind
05:00 Giving people a chance to do it their way
#marriageproblems #couplegoals #mendedlight #jonathandecker
there is a beauty to watching people figuring out a task to which the solution is so obvious to you but not to them - you just have to be patient and they figure out eventually
Everything you teach young children works like that
What is this magic and how do I learn it?
@@shelbyherring92 Yeah, I hear that!
I remember the moment that I learned to not “be the savior.” I did one side of a curtain rod that was incredibly difficult, because there was metal inside the wall. I can’t remember what that’s called, but whatever. I let my younger sister (that I was surrogate mommy to) do the other side. She used her typical extravagant, emotionally-charged display of inadequacy. I think they call it weaponized incompetence. And I just sat there, watched, and said what I needed to say to help her along without taking over the task. It was such an empowering moment for me.
I relate so hard to the need to leave the room while certain tasks are done by other people, so 1) it won't drive me crazy, and 2) I won't pester the person doing it.
I really want to call out the audio that you've presented. Many men confuse being honest and being rude. When you're saying things like "you're fat. That's just my opinion" or "I don't care', you're not being honest, you are being rude. The only emotion that toxic masculinity has is anger. So, when such men are being emotional=them being angry AND often dangerous to women (screaming, punching, etc). When men are emotional it's everybody else's problem.
They are not the least bit confused. Men love to act like they are confused when really, they are just knowingly being assholes and don’t want you to know. They want you to be confused.
Yep. Sad but true.
Yeah, I guess you never hear someone say, "I wonder if dogs dream in smells -- HEY I'M JUST BEING HONEST!"
At the very least it's insensitive.
I appreciate you two so much. You each bring your own flavor of wisdom and care. As a someone who also doesn't fall into stereotypes, nor want a relationship like that, I also find peace in that you two model something loving and different from those stereotypes. It take a lot of courage to talk about these things for the world to see, let alone with your partner. As someone who is doing their best to be healthy, individually and in my relationship, it feels comforting to see other people doing the work.
“Every successful relationship requires a high degree of mutual tolerance” 🤔
I'm a bit embarassed to admit I relate to Alicia very strongly when it comes to asking my husband to do something and then nitpicking at the way he does it the whole time 😬 it's very hard for me to watch someone do something in a less efficient way. I appreciate the honesty about how you two were able to figure out situations like this! I feel like this isn't a marriage problem you don't hear about a lot as it doesn't seem like a big deal but I think tension between two partners nitpicking at one another can really errode a marriage down the road. I appreicate you addressing it!
There are also many men who will purposely do stuff wrong, just to make the other person take care of it.
Dear Thinkers,
I've been loading the dishwasher this way for a long time, and it's never killed you before. You'll be alright.
Love, A Dreamer
Made my night that you, Jono referenced the Kobayashi Maru. 😅
Cooking! My ex and our male roommate came to me asking how to make fried rice. I start telling them and then they decide to go off and wing it. I felt dismissed and unimportant despite they having asked me for directions/instructions. 😬. It wasn’t anything wrong, on my part, I became confused when they had asked me then decided 1/3 through to go on their own instinct. Instinct is fine, in my head, but it helps if you have experience cooking. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Now, I live with a different roommate and the same male roommate, he still likes to improvise but at least it’s on his own, not half-heartedly asking my input then dismissing it. Was I supposed to interpret that as “wanting support” not actually looking for “advice”? People seem to do this, myself included, a lot but I don’t understand where it comes from.
Sometimes it feels more relaxing or fun to just let go of the rules and experiment. It probably won't result in a better fried rice, but it might be a better cooking experience for the people making it.
It can actually be "asking help for an executive struggle or planning struggle". Aka they may have struggled to start the task or struggled with the steps on how to get started. But once you were at it, they may have noticed that the hurdle of "starting the task" or the hurdle of "not knowing the planning steps up to the point of when they are confident, aka the mixing step n after".
Another possibility is, that people sometimes ask for advice but then notice halfway that your specific advice will not work for them. And people usually do not get taught how to communicate that well. Especially if they do not wanna be hurtful. But sometimes it just cannot be helped. Different people will need to go about things in different ways to get them to work. Even being similar, doesn't mean the same methods will work well, which is sth. I learned during my own ADHD journey. Aka, if you are giving quality advice, then in best case you also check in with the individual, to see how they are faring so far, and to possibly offer advice alternatives. Here some examples:
"Do you think that is helpful to you? Is this working for you? Cause I also sometimes do xyz to shorten the process when I'm tired. Less elaborate or pretty, but will get me fed!"
"It is easy or difficult for you to follow these steps?" "I see you seem to be struggling with the order of what ingredients to process first. Do you want to practice some more or do you need more help to arrange thing or understand why the order of the ingredients is in this way?"
"I would do this and that next. But it looks lie you may have ideas or want to experiment. Which route would you like to go?"
"Let me know if you think you'll be fine taking it from there!"
"Is this teaching style OK? Or is it too stiff and you need some fun to keep yourself engaged?"
@@KxNOxUTA this is awesome
I found that sometimes working with children a lot that they have a limited vocabulary to explain subjects and say abroad question like "Can you help me?" vs. "When do you add the egg to fried rice?" At some point you may have inadvertently answered the proper question and were helpful. I have noticed adults do this less except when a new subject comes up.
I have a hard time with memory recall so I often accidentally tune out after the first few steps because I'm stuck thinking about those first steps on repeat. I can see how that could be hurtful to the person offering help that I just asked for. With my husband or my bestie I feel safe enough to admit to them, "I'm so sorry, I forgot to listen, can you go back a few steps cuz I completely spaced out." But with other people, when I snap back into the present, I just kinda nod along, because I know they'd be offended if I said that to them.
Another thing that sometimes happens is that I realize partway thru the answer that I already know how to do it, or it sparks an idea that I'd rather pursue. I don't mean to be intentionally rude; I'm basically a space cadet.
My problem is that I have this dissonance inside of me, depends if my autism wins or if my ADHD goes wham 😅
I really like that this was a balanced discussion but also really open and hashing out real issues with you guys. I like that you’re not pretending to be the perfect couple with no issues. It’s kind of hopeful.
OMG - I say "I'll stay as home base and keep the home fires burning". First time on this channel and very much enjoy Cinema Therapy too!
The vedio clip was right that there are a lot of dubble standards which is why your channel is so great. Men need to have examples of what healthy masculinity looks like in their lives and a relationship. There are so many men who are afraid of women or are told that their masculinity is toxic or their existence is damaging and this is simply not the case. This is a great message for society to hear. ❤ Thanks for everything!
Thank you for sharing this comment. Lately I've noticed men acting like they're afraid of me just for being a woman--a man who moved off the sidewalk and into the street to avoid accidentally touching me, a man who apologized for getting into the elevator before he realized I had been alone in there, and others. As a tall woman whose mother taught her to respect men and whose father taught her to defend herself against them when their conduct is inappropriate, I feel saddened that these men's lives included experiences where a woman either failed to respect them or failed to distinguish between their character and their actions when those actions were unintentionally inappropriate and they corrected it themselves.
I don’t agree. Men need to stop using “I didn’t have an example“ as an excuse, when the right thing to do will just happen, naturally, when you care about others.
It’s never been that masculinity is toxic. It’s been that certain types of masculinity they are. It’s very obvious that this is the case. Also, why does the man feel the need to identify with masculinity in the first place?
@@poonyaTara men are not afraid of women. But all too many of them are entitled in our “afraid“ of losing that entitlement.
Having a partner that is willing to work on the relationship with you is PARAMOUNT to success. My husband and I have been seeing a therapist and working within the Gottman/ IFS structure and my husband's willingness to listen, think, empathize (really empathize), and yes, even change (behavior, not identity) has made me feel loved, appreciated, understood, AND closer to my husband than I even felt in the "honeymoon" phase. I've watched family member marriages dissolve because neither was willing to truly listen, compromise, or even consider that they weren't in the right. Others where one partner is open and willing, but the other cannot/will not go anywhere near vulnerability in order to understand what they are truly feeling or what they need. I appreciate my husband SO much and despite how painful it can be, IFS (internal family systems), for helping us understand ourselves and navigate our needs, thus allowing us to understand each other and communicate on a deep and loving level. Thanks Jonathan and Alicia for bringing these valuable insights to a larger audience! Also, go get therapy everyone!
It works with parent/child relationships too. I recently realized that my parents' love language is evaluation (criticism). So although it hurts and drives me crazy, I can at least remind myself that the critique of my life is their way of showing love.
Liked for the Kobiashi Maru reference. 😂❤
So true in my marrige too 😂 I am a dreamer married to a thinker.
He does the laundry, because my way annoys him (like shirts not hanging perfect as he says, it create wrinkles). And his way of cooking annoys me, as I like to just have a general idea of the meal and recipie and then just wing it, but he wants it micromaneged like down to specific shape and size of vegtables cuttings
So beautiful to see these two talking about conflicting feelings in a discussing manner without carrying any hate. Communication is based. Relationship goals over here
Im kind of a combination of both of you when it would come to tasks. There are some where I try to do the task as quickly and efficiently as possible, but some tasks I did enjoy or it would be a sort of meditation. Cooking was one of those tasks because I don't eat for sustenance, I eat for the flavour and taste of things. So me making dinner might take 2 hours, not cause it necessarily might take that amount of time, just cause its an enjoyable activity for me. It is a balance though as I have dated women who don't want to wait that long for food, so often id do a lot of pre-prep early in the morning so it only would take 20 to 45 minutes because I was trying to be conscious of my partners day and their schedule.
Scheduling the day between two people is where I have struggled in relationships because I do value my alone time and Im an early bird and get as much stuff as done early in the morning or shop late at night because of how crazy my area is during the day.
I found that freezing meals or canning allows for individual choice. I'm a spice hound with a high protein, high fat diet, and others in my home love sweets and carbs.
That's interesting, my husband and I have exactly the same problem ^^' Thanks for sharing.
Yaay, Alicia, we missed you babe
This is so helpful thank you
Can someone explain to me: I talk and interject while my partner is telling me a story like “oh wow!” “Really?” “That was crazy of them” my partner sees it as being interrupted, but this is how I show I’m engaged in what he is saying? When I’m with my girlfriends, this is how I converse - quick interjections. Is this a man Vs women thing?
It's a conversational culture thing. Some people interject or even talk over each other and have no problems with that, but when it offends others it is best practice to try and modulate. And if your partner sees you making an effort, maybe doing only "mmmm" and nods then hopefully they'll be able to let the occasional slip up pass by unheeded. If you're making an effort and they're not trying to meet you part way, that is a different problem.
You pointed out something about the conversation when you interject with the women you're in a group and that is partly expected behavior. It makes sure everyone heard and understood you. Then you are talking to your partner alone and the conversation is just more personal.
I love that! I love how brave y’all are, and sharing your story and your shortcomings and your strengths! It’s super beautiful!
Wow. What a healthy recognition of different needs and navigation of them. Does Alicia really hike up mountain forests?
It's interesting in this context. It sounds like I'm the thinker and the dreamer, which apparently according to others, is a rather a feminine perspective, but not obviously on the surface. And maybe it's my autism, but a cool element for me is what is easy/efficient is very individual. Usually when somebody is coming in and trying to make it more quote and quote efficient, they are taking something as a small thing of no cost that is to me a greater cost than the entire project. There's also the sense of sometimes I need that space to be empty so that more traditional methodology is filling. That space and what I need is it to be empty not filled by me but actually empty.
Totally random observation, but those look like the American Adventure series books on the shelf. If so, that’s amazing! I loved that series as a kid, but never came across anyone else who’d read them!
Things that im personally missing are that just being a thinker doesn't in particulary makes you right and sometimes the "right way" can be interpreted in many ways (you mentioned that). So i think that the solution of "do it my way or not do it" can be applicable only to things directly concerning the person or if they ask you for help ( not when its a shared project or everyday life). I also feel like i want to do things the way i think (or feel) is the best without being judged for it. It can be hard, especially that usually the intentions are good - but i also feel judged, and because of it more and more insecure of doing things at all. Nice topic 🎉
I live with another thinker. It's a problem when we both have very efficient ways to do things and they aren't the same. I go for a walk because I'm more critical.
Oh Jono… my hope for you is that someday you will find your real “Hoper/Dreamer” person, and that you can both just sigh in the relief and happiness that life can be chill. 😌🍃 Messy kitchen be damned! 😜
Life with your partner should not be a constant power struggle. And not a constant struggle to be “better,” as a human, because ‘Better’ is always subjective.
There’s no shame for either of you to say, This Has Been an Amazing Chapter of Our Lives… but we would both be happier exploring the wonders of other relationships. ❤
I agree totally.
This is great! I wish you talked more about the first double bind you mentioned, about talking about an issue positively and constructively and someone not getting the message, so then talking angrily and upsetting the other person. What have you done to work on this?
I said look me in the face for this conversation it's important and I need you to get it. If I need the other person's attention after saying look at me and they don't I'll place my hands over theirs to switch focus onto the conversation. It's not fair to either of us if anger is the only way you know when I value something highly enough to be upset.
The title of those things should have been "not know to communicate in good measure" :'D
There's middle ground between:
- Lying and being "brutally honest", noone needs any of that. We want kind and gentle honesty
- Shutting up and (empty) word vomiting without 0 check in with the listening person. We want talk to happen in the right setting and good measure and to be respectful
- Being emotionally unavailable and emotion vomiting, again with 0 regard to the listening person or regulation to your tone. We want the portion of emotions that have been deemed welled regelated after working them through with a psychologist, if vomiting is an issue. And we want to participate in your emotional process, not be dumped the responsibility for managing it.
- Breathing is not the problem, snoring is! :'P
It's not actually that complicated ...... but then again men struggle to be good enough peers to teach each other that, on average. Jonos do exist out there, thankfully so. Thank you, Jono. And thank you, Alicia, for growing your partnership and family together. It's really encouraging.
Though my longest relationship was with another woman 4.5 years but I say I'm kind of like Jono's wife with thinking and nowing the best, most effecive way of doing things yet her way of doing things was never enough for her abusive, pysco mother so I become a slave hoping things would chance. But having her family around dug such a deep rift between us so the moment we were alone we didn't know each other and would fight over dumb things. It's hard to leave someone you love but falling out of love it's easy to chance another life.
Be the most argumentative person possible, then demand not to be fought with.
I love watching you both. But I have to say that I’ve had my very first “internet” spiral watching this one. I feel like you both are describing my exact (love language) or (personality types) with me and my husband. I adore him he is my person. I’m totally freaked. I don’t want this to be our future. What advice can you give? And I’m so sorry for end in your marriage. Thank you both as well for being responsible parents in the way you are handling a very important time.
My opinion only comes from my experience as a child of a really messed up divorce.
I'm a dreamer/thinker. Is that even a possible? I love to relax and dream about my ambitions and goals but I also feel like I need to be responsible. Work a full time job, pay the bills, clean the house, cook, and also try to have fun with the family. I get overwhelmed and exhausted throughout the day and night that I feel that I don't have time for myself most days. I eventually learned that I need to give some of the responsibility to my partner and have him help whenever I need it. Though it is still hard for me to ask because I feel like I need to do them myself because I can get it done right. I know he can too but I'm not use to it yet. Any helpful tips on slowing down?
When I see a man doing the chores “the way the wants to do them” despite it taking much more time or much worse quality all I think about is their privilege. And It makes me SO mad.
Honest question here - do you not also do tasks around the house the way you want to do them? Or are you mad that he isn’t doing them your way, as though you are his boss rather than his equal.
@@dancingdragon3 no, I do them the most efficient way so I can do as much tasks as I can. And when I see him do something slow and relaxed I read it as a sign that he thinks it’s not his job to do tasks around the house, that he’s just helping me out reluctantly while trying to not overstretch himself.
So what would you call someone a mix of the two of you. Like in my day to day work I'm very thinker but when I'm home with my hubby or hanging with one of my nieces I'm very much a dreamer. I play with the kids I get soft and sensitive with my man or hubby. I have had ppl tell me it's like a different person. So is there a category for that?
8- having them wait.
Alicia and I are twin souls. 💞
You forgot to talk about #7! Breathing!😅
Why all capital letters except the letter i
🤷♀️
That other video forgot number 8... Exist.
❤
#8 fail to recognize woman’s work or effort
Looks like Alicia agrees with some of this list lol 😂
Please make a video about the TV show Fringe.
Please make a video about the TV show Grimm.
I loved it. :)
Sounds like a lot of work. At what point do you simply give up trying, because it's fairly obvious that you're never going to get the equal partner you thought you were going to get at the beginning? Isn't it inevitable that you're going to lose respect for someone who just can't get things done without a ton of help, or worse still, who just expects you to do everything? And is it even possible to be attracted to someone you don't respect? Just saying.
Please make a video about the anime Mushoku Sensei.
Haven't watched the video yet, just read the title and hope it's sarcastic? Because otherwise this would be quite sexist
You can watch the video safely lol.
It is definitely sarcastic
She pegs him
This audio clip provides catharsis to a lot of men, I'm sure.
I think that one of the reasons patriarchy is generally so successful, despite its many flaws, is that sharing genes provides a source of natural empathy and that men do have an X chromosome whereas women have a barr body (which is a turned-off spare X chromosome) and no Y-chromosome. At least hypothetically this would give women a deficiency of empathy toward men. It's just something I wonder about, probably because my children, all boys, began bonding with their father/my husband when they became teenagers. I think they craved the understanding and support.
By the way, number seven is the one we only feel for our husband, we only feel that way around our second wedding anniversary out of a mistaken sense of loyalty to who our husband was on our wedding day, and even we know it's ridiculous.
.... your speculation about how chromosomes work is SO incorrect. I'm a biologist and honestly have no idea how to even begin understanding what you're talking about.
@@andien8760 I'm curious. What makes you say it's incorrect? I'm sure you have a good reason for saying that, and I'd appreciate knowing what it is since (I'm sorry to have to acknowledge that) I have a bad habit of becoming too enamored of a hypothesis when I don't have any other hypothesis to compete with it. (And I was a biologist long enough ago to think that your point is probably more current. The field has gotten better about not drawing oversimplified conclusions based on insufficient data and observation since the 70s, and I expect that to continue to be the case for some time.)
Maybe you're having trouble because I'm not talking about how chromosomes work at all. I'm talking about how our physical bodies influence how we perceive reality. My point really has less to do with genetics and more to do with the sociological effects of comparative anatomical function. Genes (and, yes, not chromosomes, strictly speaking) affect how we perceive reality.
You talked about X inactivation and X chromosomes don't work fundamentally differently in men vs. women - they do the same thing in men and women, and we each have 1 active X per cell. The main difference for men is that the Y chromosome causes some differences in hormones, particularly in early development to result in a different set of reproductive organs. There is no relationship between how many X chromosomes you have and your innate ability to have empathy toward others. I don't think there's any evidence that genes are altering our perception of reality in the way you describe. Certainly brain chemistry imbalances can affect perception of reality (e.g. bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, anxiety, depression) and there can be a small genetic component of those disorders. But in general our genes do not affect our empathy toward others. That is, in the vast majority of people, a nurtured behavior/trait. The extent to which someone is empathetic toward others is much more dependent on upbringing.
Genes have nothing to do with empathy, and even empathy doesn’t really have anything to do with ethics and morality.
Ehhh this is a typical video basically saying women are SO IMPOSSIBLE to understand when this could have easily been flipped because NO men are not these simple creatures that you can instantly understand. 🙄 I honestly was hoping for more actual "meat" information wise.
It's about making a conscious effort to listen, respect and (together!) engineering an actual improvement.
It's gonna require work, the ability to sit with your discomfort for a while and the willingness to not take things the wrong way. For *both* parties!
The video is a good showcase of how to do that, imo.
If you watch the entire video, you will discover something else than the quick judgement.
It went into another direction. This was not just an evaluation of men or women. This was merely one example to showcase the topic of double binds in relationships and how to handle them :'D