What is The Attachment Theory and How is it Affecting Your Relationships?
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- Опубликовано: 9 июн 2024
- Do you know what the 4 attachment styles are? Your childhood can affect your relationships today, but is there anything you can do about it? Yes! Watch this video to learn what attachment style you currently have and how to change it.
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00:00 Attachment theory
02:00 What are all the attachment styles
03:40 Secure
05:15 Anxious attachment
07:00 Avoidant
09:15 Disorganized
#mendedlight #attachmentstyles #jonathandecker
Now I know for sure my mother was and is avoidant which has led to me being anxiously attached as a child and avoidant as an adult.
I've been working on healing my disorganized attachment style since I found out what attachment styles are a few years ago. What helps is going inward and checking in when I get in my "everyone will abandon me" mode. Stopping and reminding myself to NOT lash out at someone because I think they're insulting me - choosing instead to ask clarifying questions to understand what they really meant. Getting a therapist to process the childhood trauma that gave me this attachment style. Focusing my social energies on people that are capable of consistency, and letting go of those who can't. I've a long way to go but these steps are helping.
I also have disorganized attachment, thank you for sharing this. I am in the beginning of the process, I will take your tips and apply them. 🙏 Congrats on your success until now!❤🤗
As an anxiously attached person, if someone is not openly displaying their emotions I get worked up. I start asking if they are angry, upset, etc. I recognize this is because I never knew how my mom was going to react.
This video is just what I needed today. I relate so hard to disorganised attachment and am absolutely terrified of my children growing up with an insecure attachment style. This video has given me a boost tonight though that they come to me when they are upset. Thank you for posting!
In terms of romance, I've learned to stay away from people who have insecure attachment styles tbh. I understand that we are all on our own journeys - I say this as someone who has largely grown out of anxious attachment - but there's a difference between people who WORK on getting healthy and people who don't.
People who don't are often not aware. So even if you choose to stay away, it's still good to mention this topic to them, to help them figure it out.
@@czossosnkowy yeah that's valid. I am happy to share feedback like that but only if i sense the other person is receptive
You are right, you have to do whatever is best for you
Sometimes the only way for someone to conquer an insecure attachment style is by being with someone secure. It’s your choice but condemning traumatized people is part of why it’s so hard to heal trauma.
@@FINETHENpod I'm not condemning them; I'm just choosing to protect my wellbeing. In theory I'd be ok being with someone who has insecurity issues but only if they are working on them (within and outside the relationship). That's quite hard to find though; many people choose to avoid the inner work indefinitely.
I was actually working on Eli Harwood's Security Attached book/journal when this video popped up. Attachment theory is so important.
Love how this topic brings to light how, even though we are who we are, there are always embedded reasons why and ability to change the direction your life is going
For me, quite sure avoidant. I literally have a diagnosis of AVPD (beyond others). I am hypervigilant, very out of touch with my own emotions, but at the same time very empathetic with others and always taking pespective.
I had a big "hello me" moment when you commented on "seeming calm from the outside but being emotional inside". As I have trouble naming emotions, for me it was rather thoughts. But I once had a moment where it was extra clear, sitting in a session with my psych where my thoughts were just butchering each other, but I seemed completely calm to him. Not that he did not believe me, on the contrary. Even he seemed surprise of how big this mismatch could be in me.
My mother had BPD, she was unpredictable. A lot of my childhood was walking on eggshells. Emotions, especially negative ones, were never alloved or safe to have.
I'm very hard to be soothed (I guess. There really isn't anyone to do that for me) and bad at soothing myself. Soothing others, maybe, I'm not sure. As I'm not sure with hardly anything concerning my emotions.
This was the best explanation of disorganized attachment I have heard!
I use to wonder if this was me because I could think of times when I was preoccupied and/or avoidant, and I also have a mom with many BPD traits. I also had a BFF that I thought was avoidant. After watching this, I realize I'm not disorganized but that BFF is.
This friend would always advise me to be more avoidant and has stated their incapable of trusting anyone (due to an abusive parent) yet would describe having some codependent attachments to romantic partners that would turn toxic. Understanding this better helps me feel a little better about why it was such a struggle to try to make this friendship work. I hope they're able to work through this someday.
Attachment theory has been helpful to me in working through my issues and forgiveness for other people’s issues. I would love more videos like this. Like ones about emotional issues that can come up in a relationship. You’re in it together, you want to become better people for each other, but it’s hard! You don’t always know what you can do to improve. Or, you know the issue but you can’t seem to stop. Not cheating as there is already so much about it. Things like finding it hard to trust. Lying or concealing the truth. Money issues. Relationships with in-laws causing issues. Managing expectations. What’s the difference between “settling” and compromising? Dealing with emotional withdrawing. Espressing anger in positive ways. Maybe if someone has hurt you, but your relationship is still strong but how do you get past it? All the things!
valid points made esp the last part of taking a chance to give someone a chance - thanks for sharing!
I don’t think I have ever caught on of your videos this early! Thanks for all the great work you do!
Thank you for this video. I've learned about the attachment styles, particularly the Ainsworth Theory, during my psychology class.
TRINA!
I'd love to believe that I was securely attached until I realized that my father wasn't meeting my needs and eventually gathered the courage to have a talk about that. His response was that what I wanted from him (simply sharing my day and hearing about his day) wasn't something that he was interested in or cared about. That talk messed with my mind a lot and ever since you first talked about the avoidant attachment style (I think it even might have been on Cinema Therapy?) I understood better what had changed for me and why I started withdrawing whenever people get too close to me. It's something that I still struggle with a lot, but I hope that I will eventually be able to push through it, at least for the people whom I still feel safe with and whom I want to have much closer than what I'm currently comfortable with
Audio seems weird on this one
Thank you both! I needed a refresher on Attachment Styles! It was one of the lessons that always escaped me or mixed up in my head during my internship!~
I like the intro and format, did Jonno turn into a supervillain in the beginning? His voice had a cool audio effect.
I heard that too and thought my speakers were broken.
@@McFlingleson haha, I thought it was my headset. It sounded better after the intro therefore I went back to the beginning to double check.
He's using multiple mics to record, and they're layered on top of each other rather than cutting it in..
I edit videos for a living lol
@@FirelillyHeals 👍🏻😎👍🏻
WOULD LOVE to see more videos on the attachment styles. I'm tired of seeing "coaches' without qualifications spouting nonsense. I'd much appreciate a psychiatric professional such as yourself discussing such matters. So many individuals need this information to better their relationships with others and themselves 🤍
So glad to be able to learn about this and very helpful to apply for my ap psychology class and then also to apply to my own life ❤ inspired me this yr to take ap psych. And have good grades. Grateful to have dabbled in it now. :)
Informational and great back and forth. The subtle actions like eye contact. While the other speaks to the camera reinforces this.
I have multiple forms of attachments in my life. Starting from secure evolving into a Disorganized/Avoidance as I became older.
What I have learned over time and to quote you. "One's own knowledge of information and intent can be burdensome."
That burden is causing me to lose my ability, nay will to empathize _with_ others. Being replaced with patchwork sympathy _for_ others.
Thank you both!! I would love a video/advice on how to navigate conversations about finances when it comes to romantic relationships. I have a very avoidant personality, and my finances aren’t the best; I’m so scared to be transparent with my partner about it. I have about a year before he starts probing about moving in together, trying to figure it out a new job situation by then, but I always have this lingering feeling that I’m keeping critical information or being deceptive. I just don’t want to lose him.
Take care of yourselves! ❤
What if it feels like you're being met with judgement from the very people who encourage you to open up and keep insisting that they are a safe place. For example, like if you're venting and feeling frustrated and they say something like "ever since I've known you, you've been really negative. You don't have positive things to say" or "you don't have an attitude of gratitude. You only complain about how your parents failed or neglected you but you ignore the fact that they fed and clothed you and took care of you" Stuff like that. I feel like I either get judged or ignored/tolerated till my "vent session" passes and I go back to status quo but then they wonder why I don't normally come to them when I'm feeling low. It's kind of like knowing you're the problem, and knowing ppl just want you to hurry up and get it together. They don't know what to do with you and they have no inclination to learn. You know it's not their problem so don't dump on them so you don't say anything .
Yeah... We are poorly educated on the matter, all of us.
It is not your fault!!!
We all need to express emotions about anoying situations. But none of us has been educated to say it well, nor to receive it well.
So, it is no surprise that we have challenges dealing with eachother.
I am no specialist but I, also, dabelled with people being insensitive and me not getting my needs met when in need of letting some steam off in bad times. So, here is my humble contribution, if you need it.
Here are a couple of possibilities I see that fit your situation:
1. You are in front of "toxic positivity" people (if you don't know about it, cinema therapy made a great video on it).
I would say that if you do "bad" these people are most probably not going to be a safe place for you to be heard.
So, avoid them in time of pain. They have their own challenges to solve before being a real safe place for you.
2. You are in front of people who don't have the emotional capability of being there for you on this instant right now. To avoid being hurt, I try to ask if a person has the time to listen to me vent, before doing any venting.
Bringing difficult emotions to someone has to be done with their consent imo. Or they might not be emotionaly prepared to care for them.
3. You are in front of people who want to help but don't know what you need them to do when you need to vent. Do you need them to vent with you? To tell you they understand? To say nothing and just listen? To give you a hug? etc.
I try to come in the conversation saying what I expect from it, so that the person in front of me can help me the way I need to be helped.
(I need to talk badly, while you hug me and insult the situaton with me, then I would love to have your opinion on what blindspot I have and, finaly, I would love if we could find solutions together)
I always try to ask 2 and say 3 before venting, it helps in my experience.
Remember that if the people in front of you are not able to give you what you need, then you have to find someone else who is.
And only WHEN YOU FEEL BETTER, you can come back to have a conversation with the person who was not able to help to try to see what went wrong and if both of you can find a way to make if work.
Maybe it is me but I feel like trying to have a serious conversation to improve a relation dynamic is not fonctioning well when I am in a high emotional state.
On this note,
I hope this was a little helpfull, that you will find people to help you and who you can vent out with!
Lots of luck and take care!
I’ve had a real messed up bringing my mother brought me up on her own , my father never had any part of my upbringing he pretty much abandoned me the only part he played was to say that I ruined his life I know I can’t change who he is and how he sees me so I’ve had to move on , my mother did well to bring me up on her own even though she was abused herself in her life which carried on into bringing me up , I’m independent I guess I’ve had to be my own therapist to myself and I had to look out and look after myself with what little I had and still remained true to myself as best as I can even though I’ve been mentally emotionally and in some cases physically abused but I won’t let that define who I am 🙂 I’m damaged good and I know it but I’ll still be there for others to my best of abilities 🙂
I want to cry 🥺😭
My mother was inconsistent parent and my father was consistent neglecting to everyone. I'm a mess now..
I related quite closely to the anxious attachement style. However, when other people seek me as a safe place to express their emotions, I don't find this uncomfortable but I do feel uncomfortable seeking it in others. What could this mean?
I know someone who has very unhealthy coping mechanisms like picking at their skin or cutting themself, and they seem to refuse any help that's offered. Is there any advice you'd have?
Would things look different if a child is neuro-divergent, even if they are parented in a secure environment?
I've just realized that I have a disorganized attachment
I feel like I’m all three of the insecure attachment styles..
Hey guys! Would you be willing to do a video on Polyamory and what a healthy poly relationship should/could look like? Thank you! Love your videos!!
That alarm bell was a bit of a trigger for me. Am I the only one?
How does this relate to neurodivergent people?
Jono is better looking than Alicia and nobody can fight me on that. Even Alan is better than her. You are beautifull, bro.
What's the purpose of your comment?
@@zoetaylor5167 He also looks better than u
So it's not just my home that is disorganized.