Emotional Invalidation in Relationships: What You Need to Know - Terri Cole
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- Опубликовано: 9 июн 2024
- Have you ever confided in someone you wanted comfort from only to be told…
“It could be worse.”
“At least it wasn’t X, Y, or Z!”
“Look on the bright side…”
“I don’t know why you are making such a big deal…”
These are all examples of emotional invalidation.
Maybe you’ve even said these things to others, unintentionally invalidating them. This is common if we're high functioning codependents and other people's distress causes us distress.
But even if your heart is in the right place, emotional invalidation can damage your relationships.
That’s why in today’s episode, I’m breaking down what emotional invalidation is, discussing why so many of us are emotional invalidators, and offering ways to emotionally validate our loved ones so that we can strengthen our relationships.
Grab the free guide that goes along with this episode here: terricole.com/emotional-inval...
TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction
2:15 - What is emotional invalidation? And what's emotional validation?
4:00 - An example of emotional validation vs. invalidation
5:58 - Why emotional invalidation is so common
7:22 - Intentional emotional invalidation
7:54 - Unintentional emotional invalidation (high functioning codependents do this!)
10:33 - Examples of emotional invalidation (what to watch out for)
13:00 - What emotional validation looks like & what we can do
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ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
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#emotionalabuse #terricoleshow #codependencyrecovery 
Развлечения
Have you ever had the experience of being emotionally invalidated? What did it feel like? Did you communicate this to the other person? Let me know 👇
My son has done this to me for a long time. After 7 years of not being heard i have now stopped striving to be a valued part of his family. This decision by me to put boundaries in place has huge implications and consequences in that I no longer have a relationship with my son three beautiful grandchildren. All I did was dare to say how i felt.This is very sad for me however dancing to his tunes has reduced my self esteem and had me asking myself am I crazy. Its hard adjusting and im grieving the loss. i am so grateful i am growing in confidence and finding friends that do validate and support me.
Yes and right now I am protecting my well-being and have informed him I am taking no more steps until a couple therapist is involved as the emotional invalidation amongst other things are now too much for me to tolerate as it has become emotional torture.
I really liked this clarifying statement - "People who don't care about the way you feel are not emotionally safe people."
And therefore they cannot be VIP in your life. In other words keep it surface with them for your emotional safety
Yes, it took me while 2 realizing that someone understanding a sernerial doesn't mean they care bout my feeling/ emotional state.
1000%
My dad is this way.
What do if staying surface is painful and cognitively taxing? I have ASD and cannot do surface level interactions because it really forces me to mask my true self. Means I can’t be with emotionally unsafe people without it harming me. Even my parents 😞
I love when Terri said, "I have this rule that if you want to be in my life, you can not understand the way that I feel, but you definitely have to give a shit. For sure. Or you can't be in the VIP section of my life."
Thank you Terri! So good. I'm playing this over & over in my mind until I can fully stick with that as a rule for myself!
🙌🙌🙌
I realize i definitely have had a very invalidating way about me with my friends and loved ones..not even realizing it at the time, this is eye opening. I do want to strive to be a better person
So glad it was helpful 💕
One annoying thing is when you are talking about something you are struggling with and the person in response, instead of listening, is her bringing their struggles like a bizarre competition of "who are struggling more".
I feel you on this, Leandro ❤️
I’ve done this to people. I have had it done to me!! I just didn’t know any other way to listen because I felt they needed me to SOLVE their problems and I didn’t feel adequate, yet I cared deeply. Their distress WS SO DISTRESSING TO ME MAKING ME FEEL SO INADEQUATE AND INCAPABLE OF HELPING SOMEONE I LOVD DEEPLY. VERY DEEPLY. No one teaches these skills but somehow we are expected to know 😢❤. Wish they taught it in element school vs science.
I'm Matthew Momoh from Sierra Leone, I'm happy to be here. Thank you Terri
Happy to have you here, Matthew!
I've just learned through this video that I had been invalidating my ex partner's feelings for the four years that we were together. He constantly tried to bring it up but I just didn't understand and thought he would stay until I fixed it but obviously, a person can only take so much until he pulled the plug and broke it off for good. I'm glad he did because it wouldn't have led me to this video but it's also very sad that it had to come to that for me to actually listen :/
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and holding space for your sadness ❤️
What a very narcissistic thing to say.
I see that I have a lot of emotionally unsafe people in my life, through their emotional invalidation. I am working to limit or remove those relationships. When I tell my mom what you are saying to me is hurting my feelings, all she says is you are just too sensitive. Then at the next visit she insults me with the same comment and I got upset. She then told me I was a grudge holder. I wasn't the one who brought it up. As she was leaving she then knocked on the bedroom door and said through it, "but I still love you Lisa." It reminds me as a child I was to be seen but not heard. GAG, your repeated actions are not fitting those words mom. Not in my VIP section any longer.
I am witnessing you with compassion and sending strength your way ❤️
I can totally relate. I experienced this from my mother as well.🙏
@@theinspirationstation763 Thanks Felita.
@@lookupyourredemptiondrawsn7285 im realizing my dad does this to me. i shared something at lunch with him the other day that was important to me, and he just acted like i said nothing, just looked around stared at his food, then started talking about something else. it made me so upset, i eventually made a passive aggressive comment that i regretted, because i felt unheard. i said "i dont like going out to lunch and sitting around but i wanted to spend time with you so here we are." it was an ugly, passive aggressive comment, and i said it because i was angry at being emotionally invalidated, but didn't feel safe to challenge him in the moment for not validating me.
I’m so sorry to hear you were treated like that:(
You just said what I heard when I was a kid. He would say "stop crying or I will give you something to cry about" including being hit with the belt. Verbal and physical abuse.
I'm so sorry you experienced this ❤️
I am constantly dismissed by my mom. It feels extremely hurtful not being heard. I am making peace with it. Forgiving just so I have peace.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
I feel you. And it primes us to accept this dismissal from others in our lives, as well, since one of the people that's supposed to love us the most does it. It does hurt, very badly. You're not alone.
I've learned and grown so much in the last couple years and it wasn't from the half dozen therapists throughout my life I saw,, medications, which thankfully not on anymore, books etc. It was my neighbor validating my feelings, which was the 1st time in 58 years anyone listened let alone validated me. It has changed my life and led me to you, your book and starting to really find answers and heal!
❤️❤️
Thank you for another excellent video. My clue I'm being invalidated is an immediate lonely feeling. Looking forward to your next book. Having a chronically ill father and scared mother from early childhood, I can relate to being a high functioning codependent. Trying to control things to feel safe. You put it into words perfectly.
Thank you for being here ❤️
I've finally admitted that I am not a natural empathizer. Yes, I can cry with a friend who has just lost her husband because I know that feeling. I can hurt with a friend who's child is choosing destructive behaviors because I've dealt with that too. I can even console a grieving stranger who has lost everything in a tornado even though I've never experienced that kind of loss. What I have a hard time empathizing with is drama or whining for the sake of attention; I don't have patience with "neediness." I drains me. I've thought, "if you don't like how you feel then change it!" or, "stop the drama!" I hear what you say; we don't have to agree with or understand their feelings in order to empathize. Is it still validating when we say, "Oh my, that must be so hard, I'm sorry you're going through that," when we really can't put ourselves in their shoes? Yes, I have to work on validating they feel what they feel, neither right or wrong. Doesn't that sometimes just enable unhealthy emotional neediness? A constant need for external validation is exhausting for those who have to live or work with that person.
I'm also not one to emote a lot of feelings. My husband says I'm guarded. I say I'm just emotionally level; I don't get upset easily or highly excited.
Just thoughts I'm expressing...Thanks Terri for another thought provoking video!
I think you can choose carefully as to who you feel required to emotionally validate. If you work with someone who's a habitual complainer, there's no reason you need to emotionally validate them as they're not a person who is in your VIP section, ya know? You might say, “That’s a drag. I hope you figure it out.” The end.
Lots of good nuggets here. I know when I've been invalidating and I've tried to do better because I never want anyone to feel unheard/unseen, etc.
I'm really glad I found this channel because its making me recognize that I may have done some damage to my relationships but also making me realize that I have worth. I was in an emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive relationship for 8 years. Not to mention my own mother has shown narcissistic tendencies. My defensiveness has been formed from many many years of emotional manipulation and gaslighting... Its just been a mess and I've starting seeking therapy. But listening to these videos has really shed some light on a lot of things.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
i am emotionally invalidating to others and myself 😢
i'm sure we have all been at some point! you cared enough to watch this video so that's awesome! and now you can change and it can be your superpower
Hi Terri my name is cristal i finally left my abusive husband i found your videos I want to say thank you first i felt like i deserved all the abuse you have taught me so much i never heard of gaslighting after watching your video over and over i realized my husband has done this to me for 10 years. I was granted a 2 year protective order im taking this time to start putting my life back together.
Hi Cristal, I am so glad my videos are helping you, and I am happy to hear you are taking this time to put your life back together. ❤️ Way to go for leaving and I am cheering you on!
RUclips channels such as yours has taught me more than going to counseling has. Thank
you for the work you do. It is so very relevant today. Best wishes!
Thank you so much, Allison ❤️❤️ Glad it's helpful!
😅 I emotionally invalidated myself. Welp now I know!
I love this. i agree, it is so important and so many of us don't learn how to validate emotions and how to be supportive. We should learn this in school. Thank you Terri.
I really appreciate that you also mentioned if you are the one doing that to someone.
This episode is so incredibly helpful to me! I’m excited to implement what I’m learning in my interactions with women in addiction recovery. Thank you, Terri!
You are so welcome, Lisa. ❤️ Thanks for being here.
WOW WOW! I had just came across this video by key words I assume when I was searching. But anyhow.. and then you mentioned the comment you highlighted about a episode on how to thrive as a HSP. So cool!! I am a HSP and I'm stoked to watch it.. as far as this topic goes. I feel like this has happened a lot to me my whole life. And I try not to do this consciously. My boyfriend said I'm not wrong. And I said your right. Your feelings are not wrong. Your feelings are valid and I care because I love you. BUT the way you are treating me is not right. I really don't like this right or wrong thing ugh lately he's been flat out turning everything around on me and getting super angry with me over things that are pretty trivial and then my issue doesn't even get addressed. And when I bring up something that he's doing that I don't like he says oh I know I can't do anything right.. and nothing gets resolved. It's just so toxic 😢
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, C S ❤️ I do have another video with a script for situations like this that might be helpful: ruclips.net/video/H7gmwfqTWpM/видео.html
WOW Terri 🤦♀️. I will continue to listen and learn from you. I'm in the thick of it now with a woman in 12-Step Recovery who has been abusive towards me. I have parted ways with my invalidating Sponsor since she has basically thrown me under the bus and taken this narcissistic bigot's side. She has told me she recommends I stop attending the meeting where this has happened and I am OVER IT. Thank you ❤ Nichol
I am so sorry to hear, that sounds like a painful situation ❤️ Glad you've figured out a way through!
Thanks Terri! As always, super helpful insights. I learned years ago from Brené Brown not to start a sentence with “at least” when it came to offering advice or supporting another person, and I’m grateful for the reminder. I literally just texted my best friend the other day and apologized for trying to fix things when she really just needed someone to listen to her. It’s a subtle but powerful distinction and I’m glad you shared it in this video. Most of us probably think we’re being helpful when we’re fixing, but a lot of times it just makes the other person feel unheard. I am an HSP empath, too, and it can be challenging to navigate today’s world especially. My husband has developed a good process for helping me share my issues. He tries to clarify early on if I need to just vent or if I’m looking for solution/advice. It’s a helpful way to set the stage for better communication and sets me up for validation while also keeping me in check. I look forward to more videos from you and thank you for all that you give us. So valuable!
Going to look at your guide-sounds very helpful.
Thanks also for explaining the difference between sympathy and empathy.
You're so welcome ❤️
I stumbled across your page and glad that I did. I am truly an Empath and often feel things very deeply. I have recently been diagnosed with Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Chronic Fatigue and High Chlolesteral. I already suffered from chronic pain from a life altering Spinal injury that rendered me disabled. I've had multiple surgeries without successful outcomes. I have Neuropathy and Radiculopathy. I have literally burned to the point that it raises my BP to Stroke level. I have lost control of my Bowels which is indicative of paralysis. I went into Bladder Rention where I had to wear a Cath or intermittent catherize. I have to go to the ER when the burning, pricklying, tingling, throbbing get severe. I have despaired of life. The burning in my feet and hands gets better if I rub it vigorously (tactile sensation) but it will cause bruising or skin irritation or even peeling. When I say how badly it hurts, my older sister will say, "Well, at least it isn't as bad as such and such. They're really sick but they never complain" or "You think you have it bad, so and so is sick. You should be grateful because it could be worse." It hurts so badly that she can feel for others but me, it is secondary or of no importance. I took myself the doctor. I have a very large boil that had spread. The doctor lanced it but it started bleeding and wouldn't stop. The doctor called my sister who lives less than 10 minutes away. She wouldn't answer the phone. I was in surgery and had to call her to get her to answer. When she arrived, it was nearly 40 minutes later. The doctor asked could I stay with her in case the bleeding started again and she hesitated. Another time, I was taken by Ambulance to the ER. My BP dropped to 89/58. The EMS called her to inform her that I was sick. She said the BP was great. The EMS told her that it was too low and thet were transporting me. They called the Supervisor and he came because I was in such distress. He actually prayed for me in the Ambulance. My sister only believed me when the Doctor and nurses had to restrain me and kept giving me medication to stop the pain. She asked did they have to give me more? I had Diladid, Tramadol, Tegretol and Fentanyl and it still didn't stop the pain for more than a few minutes. Listening to you has validated me and my feelings. Often they gaslight me. I end thinking that I am crazy or imagining the pain.
I am so sorry your sister is dismissing and invalidating how you physically feel. ❤️ I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending healing vibes your way ❤️
@terri_cole thank you so much. I appreciate you for reading it and for your kind response!
God will see you through dear
This video has been incredibly helpful. Thank you.
So happy to hear it was helpful ❤️
Your video are very helpful because they are so full of wisdom with a quiet strenght
Thank you ❤️
Terri, I love you so so much! you are like a warm and cozy blanket which is soo soothing and comforting! am soo glad I found you!! thank you for speaking up and speaking to us ...feel I am being healed just by listening to you...truly grateful for your work!!!
Aww, thank you so much, LuciA ❤️ I appreciate you being here.
Hello everyone!! I'm new to this channel and I feel like I've finally found the place I need to be. My spouse and I have been having alot of issues and he "doesn't believe in this stuff" so he totally invalidates me and has been making me feel about an inch tall. Like insulting my intelligence. I would never do that to him. I just hope this is the place where I can learn skills to help both of us fix this.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Misty ❤️ And welcome to my channel!
I am having a huge struggle as the wife of a diagnosed narcissist, I believe a vulnerable narc. My opinions have very rarely mattered over the years. It's so hard to push for boundaries when I'm so trained to not "hurt" him, it's easier to just give in. It is extremely hard to express myself after so many years, but I'm working on it now! 🙂
You might be best to get away from him forever. They cannot change and want to keep you unhappy and controlled.
Witnessing you with compassion and sending strength your way ❤️
This is great, and informative. What stands out the most, is I'm sure there's so many people that are unaware of their behavior, especially when it's in a more subtle way, i.e When someone passes away, asking how old the granparent was for example.
Yes! It can be painful, although you're also well within your right to say you don't want to answer certain questions or talk about it. "Why would you ask?" can be a good way to get people to rethink their inappropriate questions. 💕
I have been consistently emotionally invalidated by my husband. It only happens with significant issues and the most recent and continuous one deals with his ex and my stepdaughter. He will not defend me to either of them when they slander me (because they won’t say a word to my face). I have told him that I can’t imagine how difficult it is to be on his end of everything. But I have dealt with it for years only to be lied about in a very serious way, and he 1) acts like it’s no big deal and is willing to put me and our kids through CPS interviews, and 2) continues to push boundaries around allowing her back into my home and takes advantage when I give any leniency.
Sorry for the rant this is such a fresh issue.
I am so, so sorry to hear you're experiencing this, Stephanie 💕 I am witnessing you with compassion and sending you love and strength.
When I would be crying about something he did. He would literally just go on his phone
Completely act like I wasn't in the room.
Worse of it all, I still stayed
I am so sorry you experienced that behavior ❤️
Wow this really resonated with me and came at a perfect time.
❤️❤️❤️
Hi Terri! Renee here from Arizona. Love your book.I need a good therapist like you in my life long ago!
Well hi there Renee, thanks for tuning in from Arizona! Glad to hear you loved Boundary Boss ❤️
Dear Terri, please do not ask me why. Just recently I started listening to your videos. Let me introduce myself briefly. Am a divorced lady 56 years young, no kids. HSP. Am a huge yoga fan and nature lover ( despite my fear for tick bites, can you explain a bit more about fears in life. My fear for ticks is simply because of the disease called Lyme disease. Being younger I also ‘had’ this huge fear for diseases / cancer. Could you talk about this please ?). Back to this video : I got so (!) much touched. I recognise myself clearly : I always (!) wanted / want to help people giving advice BUT the truth IS : their distress was / is causing me a lot of distress. Huge thanks for this MAJOR eye opener !! I have learned a lot by listening to you. Yes I do go and see a psychologist which is very supportive too. Love to continue listening to your videos. Big hug from Belgium. Christel 🙏🌷❤️. Ps : for so many years I felt weird. As soon as I found out I am HSP, so much has fallen into place.
You're so not alone in feeling weird and then having things fall into place once you realize you're an HSP. And I feel you on wanting to help because I couldn't handle people's distress, either. ❤️ I'm not sure I could cover having specific fears without more info- that might be something better explored with your psychologist, especially because they could help guide you through it over time.
@@terri_cole🙏🌷
Great video! I recognize this- is this something you bring up to people that aren’t aware? Refer them to therapy? Just get away from them?
I appreciate all that you do!
It depends on if you value the relationship or not. Most people are unaware that they're doing it. If it's a relationship you value, you can ask them to simply listen and hold space for your experience without invalidating your feelings and see what they're capable of. ❤️
@@terri_cole thank you so helpful!!
This was an amazing episode, Terri!
I see we sometimes want to help but it works the other way round.
I remember my mother-in - law when me and my husband visited her at hospital
She said :"Look at me. I'm in such a bad state. I can't walk, I can't serve myself. "So my husband said:I "t could have been worse" This is invalidation, isn't it? Even though it's not on purpose.
My mother-in-aw- turned to him and said." But things could have been better, there are also better things you know ".
I was impressed because she always was looking for the better for herself.
So glad it was helpful ❤️ Your husband's comment sounds like it wasn't received well if your mother-in-law pushed back. Sometimes, we need to be comfortable letting others have their emotions (as long as they're not at risk of hurting themselves or others and as long as it's not abuse) rather than try to "fix" it or get them to look on the bright side.
Thank you Terri, I always enjoy listening to you and work on myself 😊
So far I thought I was making the person to feel better apparently was emotionally invalidating 😮, cause some ppl keep repeating same subject as victims which I can’t stand
On side note, just received my order Boundary Boss and looking forward to read it ❤
Thank you so much for ordering Boundary Boss, I hope you enjoy it! ❤️
I have a few tips on how to deal with unreasonable people (that complain) in this vid in case it's helpful: ruclips.net/video/DPIWbdY0Zm8/видео.html
Great episode!
❤️❤️❤️
Well said !
I can as a High Functioning Co/Dependent I have always had an an extreme fear of death since my 2 dogs got killed (hit by a car at the same time) when I went to spend the night at a friends at 10 yrs old) Anyone in distress brings me fear of their death if I don’t solve their problem immediately! Panic sets in yet I look completely in control bc I learned to suppress them to prevent others from being more upset. Trauma begets Trauma. So I go work in my garden where it’s not so complicated and life giving. People just exhaust me unless they are kids without all the baggage to sort out they don’t really want sorted out. ❤
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️
Just feeling heard like the person is a actually taking interest in your feelings, especially if during an argument helps tremendously. We don't have to always agree, but we can care. It also allows reflection where I can ask myself, "How could I have handled things differently to improve the situation?" I did communicate it to the other person, and they still decided to brush my feelings off with that good ole saying "I'm sorry you feel that way"
Agreed, Jan! ❤️
So many ways and it does go back to childhood where some of the events were absolutely cruel and yet perhaps related to their emotional problems that eventually got better. Still, even with forgiveness, the harm becomes embedded and springs out with any reminder. I am not sure if I pick emotionally invalidating people sometimes or I get annoying enough to elicit the response. Either way, I no longer wish it on me and certainly on no one else. When I do it, I hope I realize it as much as I think I do when I reflect on myself, Another - as always - insightful caring share of wisdom. Thank you.
You're so welcome, thanks for sharing your thoughts ❤️
you have a lovely calm voice easy to listen to - Terri you look beautiful in blue
Thank youuu 💕
I think a lot of people act in emotionally invalidating ways, not because they dont like the emotion the other person is experiencing but because they dont know better, for example one phrase that i see a lot thrown around is the "dont take it personally", this although might be coming from a place of "oh you dont have to feel that way, what the other person did is not a reflection of your own worth" but because it is such crude phrase it can be taken as "you're overreacting!". I think definitely all of use have acted emotionally invalidating in one way or the other, because we didnt know this concept and we have phrases that are so overused people think its normal to use them
That makes sense, thanks for sharing 💕
After watching this, I have realized that I am invalidating myself. I say these phrases to myself.
Thank you for sharing 💕 You are not alone, either. You might find this video on changing your inner dialogue helpful: ruclips.net/video/aF2xbwKdgi8/видео.html
Thank you
I HAD A MAJOR AH HA MOMENT THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH!❤❤❤❤❤❤
You’re giving words to things I’ve been trying to explain and figure out for so long ❤😊
I am so glad this resonated with you ❤️❤️
Thanks a Million!
Been emotionally invalidated, done emotional invalidation, I realize there is a power element to it, the one with seemingly more power (overfunctioner) is the one that invalidates because they don't have the energy to carry the heavy emotions of the one with less power (underfunctioner). It feels irritating and annoying, like, "I'm doing all this for you and you have the temerity to bring me your self-indulgent sob stories as well?"
A generally unhealthy dynamic.
Thank you for sharing that insight ❤️
@@terri_cole thank you for your work ❣️❣️❣️ Been watching a whole lot of your videos recently 🙏🙏🙌🙌
Thank you for helping me
Thank you for being here ❤️
It depends ..sometimes I hear people complaining for things I wished 😂 like "normal" parents.. It happened to me to say it could have been worse ..
Hi Terri, thanks for your work. Excellent video. I understood that validation comes with empathy. You have just described me... high functioning codependent, I'm really always trying to control other's emotions and most of the time don't know how to deal. Apart of the automatic comments that pop up on my mind and that I should definitely avoid... any other clues?
I have so many vids on high functioning codependency, but I recommend starting here: ruclips.net/video/T6RWDteCfWg/видео.html
My definition of high functioning codependency is: behavior that includes disordered boundaries, where you are overly invested in the feeling states, the decisions, the outcomes, and the circumstances of the people in your life to the detriment of your internal peace and wellbeing.
A high-functioning codependent is often smart, successful, reliable, and accomplished. They don’t identify with being dependent, because they are likely doing everything for everyone else. In a way, you make it look easy and like you have it all together.
I hope it helps ❤️
@@terri_cole so nice from you to give such a full answer. I can recognize me in any word you said. Thank you very much, I´m subscribed to your newsletter and now I´m going to go deep on vids. ♥♥
I can be emotionally invalidating when my great friend continues to complain about the same thing over and over. We have had discussions about how to handle it and nothing has worked. She still complains.
Hi Terri! I hope you see this. 💜 I am in a relationship with someone I’ve been on & off with for the last 10 years. During our separation, I moved to NC and he lives in NJ. He bought a house and a couple years ago, moved in 2 of his friends to rent out 2 of the rooms. He did make an apartment out of the attic. We’re planning to close the gap, but I said to him the other day that I would like for his friends to move out in 6 months. He said “That’s ridiculous i’m not kicking them out.” I said, “I’m not asking you to kick them out, but what if in a year from now they’re still living at the house. I want a life with you, and I would like to not have housemates.” I ended up losing the disagreement and had to surrender to his way. I’ve been living with this weight on my heart ever since. He said I was egregious and ridiculous to even request they move out. Am I crazy for wanting to have a family without housemates, just my husband? I’m super torn and unsure what to do. 💔
His “solution” is we move into the apartment upstairs. but there is still a common entry that brings you right into the living room. So either way it’s not going to feel like we have the house to ourselves. I appreciate any advice you can give ❤
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ That sounds like a difficult situation. I think you have a right to your preferences and desires, and if your preference is that you have more privacy or don't share a living space with other people, then that is okay. You are not wrong or crazy for having that desire, especially if you're looking to reconnect and begin a new chapter together. ❤️
I also do not think you just need to "surrender" to his way. What you think, how you feel, and what you want has to matter, too. If you are not going to be comfortable in this house share situation, I think it is worth thinking through how this is going to work if you proceed. Is this a deal breaker for you? (If so, that's your right!) Are there any other possible compromises? (Could you both rent a place separately?)
I have a video about non-negotiable deal breakers here, in case it is helpful: ruclips.net/video/fn8Av478FHw/видео.html
New here my poly np/wife very p/a is allowed to have a partner but.... I made a couple of bad choices (DUI) I am cut off from most emotional support....I am allowed to date men but not another woman. She throws a fit if I am interested in another woman and all of my feelings are invalidated this is making me crazy or leaving me thinking I am. These videos are helping me along with my personal therapy thank you for the info
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
omg poly is such crap so much of the time. just an excuse for the more selfish partner to have control. i hope you realize your worth and don't put up with things that make you uncomfortable and find a truly equitable relationship
Wow thats me, unintentionally invalidating. 😢.
It's many of us, as most of us were not taught how to validate 💕 But now that you know, you can make changes to how you communicate.
But I can’t do that in my family because everything i say gets used against me so i shut up. I don’t talk about my feelings because then they know where to strike…
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
My partner is insistent on not validating my feelings when they are caused by their actions. It's super painful, and I just want to withdraw rn because that's what's happening at the moment. (But if I withdraw to comfort myself, it's stonewalling or something and I'm not allowed to do that.)
In the relationship, I am the less emotional one. I don't express my emotions easily and I tend to bottle. My partner is highly emotional and cries very easily, over everything kinda. Like any problem that hurts me deeply is immediately turned into a tear jerking plea to hear their feelings out and when asked to validate mine, they start bringing up past problems in the relationship to make me seem unreasonable.
But I have the higher emotional IQ.
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕 I have a script you can consider using when your partner tries to bring up past problems: ruclips.net/video/H7gmwfqTWpM/видео.html It helps to keep the conversation focused on one thing at a time.
To answer your question.. yes I have had this.. it feels awful. Like there's no way things are going to get better if we can't even get on the same page about what we're talking about etc.. like if my feelings are not valid, not real etc etc then the issue doesn't even get close to being resolved. So it feels hopeless I guess. I've tried to communicate it. I try to say.. I would like it if you cared about the fact that I am upset. You so t have to understand. Just care because you care about me .
I found this very helpful and identify myself as the one invalidating emotions sometimes. I also identify that I was that child whose parents didn’t know how to validate emotions either therefore is just natural I leaned. I see in my experience my biggest struggle is to become defensive when the emotion of the other person has to do with me, something I did or didn’t do. Or something the other person expects of me and I tend to justify why it is not happening. How can I better deal with that? Any video suggestions?
Defensiveness is so incredibly common, you are not alone ❤️ I do have two videos on effective communication that might help:
ruclips.net/video/xpkjFkhK6tg/видео.html
ruclips.net/video/Ge34zyIhBRI/видео.html
For wanting to justify why something is not happening, Deepak Chopra has one of my fave quotes: “You never have to convince anyone of anything, ever." I found this freeing. You can decide when to give additional context or not, depending on how emotionally safe and trustworthy someone is.
And just in case, as you mentioned "the other person expects of me," I also have this video on people-pleasing: ruclips.net/video/xZLA3aMMoeU/видео.html
@@terri_cole thank you so much! 🙏🏼
Was involved in a horror scenario with my ex in 2021. It was in the back of his ex-wife which was terrible. Had to take care of a situation that was bizarre. He later came back. Was in shock from the incident. Because it really came out of nowhere. My ex comes back shortly afterwards. I can barely get any words out. But I react after. He gets angry and says. What are you reacting to and says. This is nothing stop reacting you're crazy. So he wants to pretend it's nothing .Although it was terrible. I suffer from a pain in my body that has been stuck since August 2021. Instead ended up in fawn, couldn't get a word out. But automatically started serving then I ended up in a fight. But swallowed it and got so angry .No outward acting.Was in so much pain.Also because I couldn't get my words out.But became silenced in expressing myself and started to doubt myself.But learned a lesson for life.To open my mouth and have a voice. Because this event was not just anything. They were smaller children who went really bad. So will never keep quiet again. But also see that this goes way back in time with my own father. So I have been through this before and kept quiet.Also neglected and invalidated.Attracted to such men.Worked on myself.Have a voice now.But above all.Am I no longer a doormat.Learned to know myself.Took 50 years.But won't let go of myself and my inner self. As well as that I myself get to be involved in my own life. Am no longer a remote control. Control myself.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
Hi I went to your guide page but there are so many guides I don’t know which one relates to this particular episode. Can you help me navigate?
Hey there Eileen, here it is: terricole.com/emotional-invalidation-guide In the future, the actual guide URL is almost always in the description of the video. The audio for the video is used for my podcast and it's easier to refer people to terricole.com/guide on there ❤️
Do you have an Audio Book version of Boundary Boss?
I do! It's available on Amazon: www.amazon.com/Boundary-Boss-Essential-Guide-Finally/dp/B09299YSVX/
I have had emotional invalidation by family members as well as by doctors. What can you do when your adult child emotionally invalidates you and the emotional abuse you have suffered by your spouse/their father?
You can draw boundaries. If the relationship is not emotionally safe, the person is most likely not going to validate your emotions, and if it's a grown child, you don't need them to. Make sure you're not confusing getting their approval with emotional validation. Emotional validation is someone giving you the space to feel the way you feel and respecting your experience, even if they had a different experience.
This resonates with me so very painfully. I have this problem with my bike broken and I can't figure out how to get the bike back to the shop to get it fixed. My sister offered help and I accepted. But her help involved her boyfriend with his car and I told my sister that to me it didn't feel right to involve him into my issue. She literally told me that I made her feel bad when I wouldn't accept her help and that she would never offer help ever again.
I feel that what she told me was that I had to let her help me so that she could have good feelings even though I said that I would feel very bad in the situation.
I'm heartbroken because I don't know how to address this. Any suggestions?
Hi Ellen- I would not let this come between you. Talk to your sister and tell her you appreciate her efforts and don’t want to lose the relationship. (If that is true for you) ❤️
As a man who's slightly hyper-sensitive, it sounded VERY OFF in your small quick dismissive *"...If we were married at the time -- I don't remember..."
Maybe that lack of critical timeline memory is another mode or "Not Caring" or "Emotional Invalidation" of your husband, as you're about to tell a story where you have little patience for HIM while He's doing YOU a FAVOR 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
Hi, i am new to this channel. I just experienced emotional invalidation from my boyfriend. I was missing him and was upset about it. And after i shared it he got super rude to me and said that it can't be a reason for my sadness. He can't think like me he thinks rationally he is different so he will react like this. He can't change it. I don't know what to do . Because i am feeling super helpless right now. Could you please help me?
I am witnessing you with compassion and sending love and strength your way ❤️ I cannot tell you what to do, but I would think about what you want in a relationship. Explore whether you'd like someone more understanding and compassionate. If you truly believe your boyfriend isn't capable of change, what does that mean for you and the relationship? You have choices, even if they are difficult. ❤️
Depending on how much you've talked and whether this is a pattern (if he invalidates you often), you can also try expressing that you simply wanted to let him know you missed him because you thought it would be a loving thing to do (if that's true). You can try saying that when you are sad, you would just appreciate him being there for you. There might be an unspoken or unconscious expectation here -- as in, why did you saying you missed him provoke such a "super rude" response from him?
I also have a video on talking true here that might help: ruclips.net/video/GEVStIAJrv4/видео.html
What if they dont say anything they dont try to fix it or talk about it they just act quiet and sad then just go on with the day when you get tired of trying to get something out of them
I have a video about communicating during conflict here that may shed light on that: ruclips.net/video/xpkjFkhK6tg/видео.html
How do I come to peace when MIL invalidated my chronic pain and past child abuse? Since 2015, MIL has talked behind my back to in-laws as well as my husband that I was faking my C-PTSD due to child abuse, as well as my chronic pain. MIL continued her put downs toward me, as well as continued to talk behind my back; telling in-laws and my husband, I am faking a medically diagnosed autoimmune disease, Ankylosing Spondylitis, and that I am faking about taking immunosuppressants. She continued this behavior even during COVID. How do I make peace with this and move forward? My husband and our grown son are supportive of my boundaries. They have seen what I go through with this autoimmune disease. They have seen a cold out me down for a month or more before COVID. My husband I feel is being manipulated by his mom. Sometimes his blinders start falling off, and he sees his mom for her BS, then other times, he is running to her and the families aid cause they are freaking out about my boundaries..... Likely stating I am faking all this..... At one point, I showed my husband all the medical documentation, Blood-Work, MRI, etc..... after that his attitude about my autoimmune disease and chronic pain has changed drastically. I am disabled and unable to work due to this. All my family live in a different state, I moved out of state at age 18 to get away from narcissistic bipolar and abusive stepdad, as well as a super clingy and emotionally abusive boyfriend. Ugh....
You’re doing a great job! Keep your boundaries. You don’t need her validation. YOU know what you experienced. ❤️❤️
🕊️🕊️🕊️
Is there a difference between boundaries and ultimatums?
I have a video about that here: ruclips.net/video/NP2ImWtI5Qg/видео.html
I say it differently, Idk if it's any better but I typically say " wow, I see that as lucky" or " I've been there, and boy I went for gold, you at least just had this" jokingly.
For someone like me, that's not any better. Unless you are super duper funny to the point the other person laughs as well. I have had that happen sometimes...
@@ayanajohnson2155 thank you, sometimes I wonder if I'm being helpful or just riding that line of sending the wrong message.
@@kaceyleighton2899 Yeah. We all have those areas where we are awkward. For me, it's when someone dies. I am at a loss of how to approach people and knowing what the right thing is to say. Everyone handles death differently and I always say something weird and awkward. Idk...
@@ayanajohnson2155 you have a solid point. For decades I didn't know either. But through another podcast from another therapist I developed a generic response to that, it goes like this " I'm at a loss of words, I'm sorry, do you want to talk about it? Or do you need anything?
@@kaceyleighton2899 Okay that is so much better than anything I have blurted out in the past. If it is okay with you I will write that down so that I may use that the next time an occasion arises.
What about"sticks and stones"
Hi there- I'm not sure what your question is. I would agree that words have the power to hurt, even for many years after the fact. We have to be mindful of what we say.
"but words will never hurt me" which isn't true
What if they hurt you then expect you to console you because they hurt you
I'm not sure I understand the question. Did you mean they expect you to console them because they hurt you?
Yep smh that's what I mean.
Lol. Almost Every emotion of mine gets invalidated but I’m with someone that at the least doesn’t touch my deal breakers. At this age (late 40s) I’d be hard pressed to get picky. I’ll be alone if I don’t be happy with 90%
Really difficult if the relationship with a nacarrist. Listen.. but they go on and on.. and u just can't validity them.. not good enough 😕 like they need to slay you.. until no resistance.
Um...is anyone finding this whole "emotional validation issue" to be common among Generation X males? ASking for a friend LOL.
I got molested.. So when I told my mom, she says, ohh it's just that! He didn't do nythn more than that! 😞😡😤
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending strength your way ❤️
I got molested and my mothers response was well i got molested too and im ok
I was instructed to keep the man who molested me as a child a secret from the man's daughter so it wouldn't ruin her image of her dad. 🙄 it didn't matter about my feelings & the years of suffering I endured.
OMG...thats the dynamic and why the anger is divided and confused. I am sorry. I never remembered physically sexual abuse but emotional incest was present and so maybe I have a small idea of how horribly abusive and hurtful that was/still is. I hope you find healing.
When I would be crying about something he did. He would literally just go on his phone
Completely act like I wasn't in the room.
Worse of it all, I still stayed