9:35 Just FYI on that point...My ex would stonewall/ignore me, we would eventually try to talk, then he would talk in circles to confuse me, turn things back on me and sometimes I would end up saying sorry. And he would feel justified in whatever he did to me, and nothing would ever be fully resolved. It took me a long time to fully recognize what was happening.
Mine did the exact same thing and he discarded me right before a dream trip. He threw me away like trash but I know it was the only way I’d be freed from this awful situation. I hate him but still wanted to be with him??
@@kaylaaicher3902 Mine inherited money, lied about how much it was, then went on a trip alone. I was really hurt since I'd been waiting years for a trip together. Also, read the book Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes. Talks about trauma bonds and how it makes you want to stay etc.
Oh my gosh. I dealt with the Same exact thing all of the time. What hurt my heart even more is that he stonewalled our son when my son was about 5 years old. My son did not understand it. My husband refused to talk to him again until my son apologized. He let it go 6 weeks.
I went through months and months of hell, but the moment when he had deliberately reduced me to collapsing against the wall in a bundle of tears, in front of our two small children, and I looked up and saw him smiling and enjoying my pain, I knew I was done and was getting out no matter what.
I caught my "clueless about his behaviour" BF smirking during an argument. Full on cartoon evil villain smirk. He does not think I saw it, but it changed my view of everything in a heartbeat.
I had a similar experience. It wasn't a smirk but it was a change in face that wasn't a normal expression kind of change. It also changed reality for me in a way that I have been trying to understand for a long time now.
@@Girlbrush.Threepwoodthat "at the moment" quickly becomes 10 and then 20 years. It gets more complicated with the time. It becomes a prison and you become shell of a person, while he advances in all fields. It is like taking haroin and saying I cannot quit now, but I will when things become easier for me to quit. And it becomes worse and harder. So, good luck with that.
The hardest thing for me has been overcoming the reactive abuse. Being around it for so many years, I stopped crying and joined in. I had to recognize and learn to control my emotions the way I did before. Focusing on myself has made a huge difference. I know I don’t want to yell or treat anyone the way he does.
Reactive abuse makes you feel guilty and shameful of your own behaviour. That's how they keep you stuck. So that you place the blame on yourself and they can continue hurting you. They dump all their own shame onto you.
Abuse is Abuse and there's no way to get around it. No matter how much you are clean talking about this all, no one's should be accepting badly behaved individual people. Regardless of what is happening with anything, you put your feet down on badly behaved individual towards you. Have boundaries in place!
And the reactive abuse makes you feel like a horrible person like your at fault for the years of betryal abs been lied to and manipulated and exploited it’s very hard but we can get through it and grow ❤❤
@@beppiefleurdenheyer4486 the only boundary you can have with an abuser is to leave. Trying to force a narcissist to respect your boundaries is impossible. You can't force someone to respect your boundaries... because then you are labelled as controlling. But a narcissist will NEVER respect your boundaries. So you either stay and let them walk all over you, or you leave, or you continue riding that roller coaster into the depths of hell, in an endless battle to be shown some respect.
Ooof. Great share. That has to be one of the hardest hitting, and sobering things I’ve heard regarding emotional abuse. It can be so easy to downplay and make excuses for a partners hurtful behaviors, especially when they show how loving and faithful they can be. Talk about living in a fog.
My partner had the "oh shit" moment in couple's counciling where he realized he was emotionally abusive and deeply passive aggressive. I had hope. Then a week and a half later, he tried physically intimidating me in public. I pointed it out. He was mortified. Apparently he just plain can't help it. Maybe long term it will get better. But I don't deserve to be in the detonation zone in the meantime.
You don’t deserve it. But it takes time. He is on the right track and the fact he was mortified means he is seeing it which is so important. The therapy can help some. I think giving it time WHILE getting your own therapy and support group to help watch over you. If you don’t have them. I speak from experience too. It’s so hard. I feel the detonation thing! I jump at everything. I don’t hear my alarm but if he whispers my name I immediately wake. He is getting better. I hope the best for you. You should have peace. And I know I’m just a rando. The unsolicited advice comes in love and care. ❤
Yes thank you for spelling this out. Exactly what you’re saying…it slowly creeps up over the years until you’re emotionally trapped and don’t know how to get out. I had no idea I was in an emotionally abusive relationship until I started hearing about narcissist/ cluster b personality disorders 😢
@@beautifulspirit2973I would just leave, don’t wait for someone to get the proper help. I waited for my GF to go to counseling/therapy like she said and she ended up never going until I needed to have a final conversation with her about our communication. Sometimes you gotta just accept people are who they are
21:35 reminded me of something a friend said, "think you got bitten by a snake and instead of going to the doctor and treating your wound and trying to heal from it you go after the snake and ask why it bit you, did the snake mean it, what did you do to deserve it, will the snake change..."
It had slowly developed to being abusive. It wasn’t even me who noticed it. I always defended him in conversations where a friend or relative would say that it sounded like emotional abuse. Then I had a couple very healthy friendships emerge and I recognized the level of disrespect that I had been dealing with. I had an epiphany on a family vacation and couldn’t “un-see” it. I had to decide if I would save him and lose myself or save myself and lose him. It was such a tough decision and very difficult to sever the connection but I felt like three years of degradation was too long. Im 37 and I am still learning and growing but I’m so happy that I chose me.
You are worthy of respect & caring from a partner. Save yourself 1st. You are not responsible to save another who treats you bad. It's not your fault. That other person has to do their own work to become a better person. Change your environment & you will in time feel what you already have achieved: personal freedom to a happy life.
I'd like to share that in my own experience, there weren't always words used to isolate me or stop me from doing things I enjoyed or needed to do. With his words he was fully supportive. It was his actions that made it slip by me so easily. For instance, I used to volunteer working with a local scholarship pageant once a week. I would ribd him I would be home late and to please take care of the girls for the evening. I would get home at 11pm and the house would be completely trashed, they wouldn't be in bed, nor bathed and hadn't even had dinner. When I asked what they are he'd say well our youngest had a bite of his pizza!? What!? It was silently torturing me so that "I" would choose not to volunteer anymore. And if we ever fought he would call all my family behind my back and try to convince them I was unwell and needed the kids taken away. I had no idea what he was doing behind my back...
reading your story is so helpful for me to be able to come to terms with my own experiences. I am so sorry that you had to go through that but I am glad that you shared it with us. it helped me for sure!
Omg!!! That happened to me…. And he got my kids taken away from me!! I can’t even describe the abuse.. so much in every way…. And so subtle over a decade.. then 💥 boom an explosion!!!!
I was stabbed on mother's day years ago in front of my daughters. Got away from him and met someone else. When I finally got away from him the counselor at court told me I had been so physically abused by my first I didn't realize all the emotional, psychological and mental abuse I was getting from the second. We fall into patterns and cycles of abuse. We might be seeing a different man but he's the same type. We attract what we are familiar with. Now I'm with someone completely different than I have ever been around and it took me forever to accept I deserved to be treated nicely. Break our patterns to heal ourselves. Remember the old saying sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never hurt you? Yeah stab wounds broken bones etc heal but yhe names and what they say remain embedded.
"you're being selfish" was her go to. I kept listening and trying to give until I completely broke down. After we broke up, It took 2 years of therapy to help me accept that taking care of myself isn't selfish.
I will never forget the one day when he was telling me how bad I am and crazy . That day I said to him that I was not like that and if I am he has made me this way. A week later I separated from him. I had to run with my kid and clothes on my back because he would not let me go, I was terrified and scared he was going to kill me... 10 years of this, I left broken it took me years to recover. I still have baggage I struggle to trust myself in terms of allowing romantic relationships in my life. He seemed like such a nice guy....
My friend told me “date a guy with enough son of a bitch in him because of you date a nice guy a nice guy will need a bad guy and the bad guy will be YOU” and boy was she right!
@@Pursuit4happinessdo you perhaps have the name or podcast number for the episode, or perhaps when you saw it to get a timeline? When I search there are a whole bunch of Women of Impact videos that cover this topic.
THEY ALWAYS DO. They akways put on the fake bs "nice guy" mask in the begining, ALL of my relationships were like this,it's disturbing and it says a lot!!
i’m 16, my ex is 17. we started dating when we were both 14, and we were together for a little over 2 years. i just realized he was an emotionally abusive narcissist. i left him yesterday and i feel kinda numb, but im glad it’s finally over.
Good for you! Being your own self advocate. Very mature. Stay strong on this decision. And you're suuuuuper young! Use this time to truly heal and get to know yourself... what you like/ don't like... and weed out anyone who doesn't fit this (the healthy desires)
Do yourself and the next guy a favor. Take the time to get to know who YOU are.I met my wife at 17 and i was 18,it's been 30 years later and we are now addressing the red flags we didn't as horny young kids that hadn't even considered the world at large. So much i wished I had done,for myself FIRST. BE YOUNG AND ENJOY THE HELL OUT OF IT,make mistakes learn from them,don't be in a rush to have a BF or to be what everyone else is in a relationship. Have a relationship with yourself first.
Good For You...! Please continue to educate yourself & get support. Narcs uaually return & the cycle continues, getting worse each time. Honeymoon~ Devalue~ Discard~ Repeat. All the best...🌻
Great.. so happy for you! I was with my high school partner for longer than it should’ve been… it ended but the next one I think I dug myself into a deeper hole than the last.. it is kinda broken off but it still feels weird I feel broken and it’s invalidated every single time 7 years of my life invested into “love” left me broken and no stable career... anyways kudos to you 🎉and build yourself 🙌🏼
Wow, yes. I am currently out of the relationship but am struggling with not going back because I realize that I was emotionally abusive, too. But what's keeping me strong is knowing that it wasn't my default way of engaging with him but more of a defense mechanism.
That seems to be a trap thst the abused fall into. Because at some point, you get tired of trying to be calm, trying to fight fair, so you get dragged down to their level of yelling, insulting, ignoring. BUT, that’s just a way of defending yourself from the onslaught of emotional abuse. Don’t fall into the trap of blaming yourself if you know thst you only became that way because nothing else was working.
7:25 I think in addition to this, when you're young, and married, and still learning how to be an adult... the other partner's emotional abuse causes reactions in yourself that not only do you feel shame about (not realizing that they're intentionally triggering you because why would someone you love do something like that), but then the other partner lays that shame in so thick, making you believe you're the real problem, not them. This is why emotional abuse is so insidious.
Nobody ever talks about becoming emotionally abusive when trying to free oneself from an emotionally abusive situation. I’ve said all the awful things to my ex because he took advantage of my familial/geographic/social/professional vulnerabilities and refused to leave me for years, doing whatever he pleased which included drug and alcohol abuse and sex addiction. He was never verbally abusive to me but exposed me, a single mother of a small child, to unacceptable and atrocious behaviors, all the while taking advantage of my vulnerabilities and landlord/tenant laws. So yeah, I glitched and have been the most awful person to him. Unfortunate that nobody can expose this aspect of emotional abuse bc I know it’s prevalent.
This is the person I'm screaming and begging to not be. I'm more hurt and disgusted that these people want you to get to that point they have something to also use against you. They force you into being also a bad person giving you very little other options to escape and leave as still a good person. For me living with my parents have entrapped and put me in a position where there's really no other options for me to escape this stupid hurtful forced hatred and abuse. People think it's so easy to pick up and leave when your on disability with no identity when they have turned everyone against you and people are out there waiting to throw me into sex trafficking or waiting to harm you stalking you and doing everything they can do to follow you and sabotage every other relationship you manage to get and then follow and torture anyone that comes near you or tries to help you. You can not get away from it. Like there's no place any safer or better then the abusive fucked up place your stuck in already. My parents have gotten to the point where I'm not allowed in the house to use the bathroom or take showers or get food. I'm currently living in their RV at the end of their yard I have no running water I have no bathroom I've become exhausted. I was told help was coming,I was told my whole life i had money coming for the work I did do for the last three decades but they never paid me and are withholding said money and mother is claiming now she's keeping all this money i should have to keep me stuck and abused in this rv instead of giving it to me... This is a really sick fucked up disgusting relationship... And now they have me under the judgemental watchful eye of people who are judging me and digging dirt on me to at some point turn around and also try to sue the shit out of me.I was already told they have Lawyers they got behind my back and are ganging up on me to make this Even worse. I've fought through the entire country searching for someone who can give me advice or help or a hand up to escape this fucked up situation just to be offered all kinds of accusations that I Guess for them validate why they refuse to help me, things like oh your just lazy or You're just paranoid that you don't want to leave your just using your parents so you can continue getting high, or whatever the case may be. :( I wouldn't be getting high if I had a support system to trust to believe me and fairly think about and CARE about my real issues worries and facts that make it impossible for me to up and leave the way they would expect someone to be able to do. Someone has already tried several times to physically kill me.. I've tried talking to my mother but she won't listen, she blames and accuses me but I lack the support group and the funds to even be able to leave this situation. It's very very toxic and very painful.
I understand... I went through a similar situation. And your going to have to really not step back from yourself and situation.. look at the whole situations and sit with it calmly going over everything..find the patterns, or repeating behaviors that you can predict... on a spiritual level it usually is about getting your attention.... so you can gain the experience from the situation by recognizing the patterns and or recognizing all that you learnd from it somehow. And change your reaction ... doing that will send ripple effects throughout the either, and that vibration or frequency you changed will manifest a different experience...if not then your not done learning or your missing somthing. ❤ you can give it a go ... it works for me I hope it helps all that it possibly can..love to all ❤
Can you contact adult social services, it sounds like you need to be rehoused etc as the situation you are in sounds like severe financial abuse, ostracisation etc.
I’m a musician and have not been able to spend time doing music due to having a baby. Now that he’s 2 , I try to practice after I put him to bed. My husband tells calls me selfish for not prioritizing my son and “wasting “ my time. I feel he’s taken away the one this I really enjoy.
My boyfriend has said that to me about gardening. I was looking forward to telling him that once football season started… but, I ended up bringing it up to him recently and he denies he said that. Then I found out that he forgot a bunch of stuff he says.
If you do not nourish yourself, you cannot sustainably be there for your family. It sounds like the baby cried after you put him to bed, so your husband cried that you are selfish instead of taking care of his son.
My husband would accuse me of that kind of thing too. On the same token, he would turn around and be excruciatingly jealous because I spent all of my time with our four children and neglected his needs. He would be rate me and be so angry at me for not being able to stay awake at night after I got all the kids in bed and then I got into bed. Once again because I couldn't meet his demand for certain things. I literally could not stay awake. I was so tired. He would punish me for that kind of thing by not going to church or worse, being angry mood the next morning on our way to church and speeding down the freeway driving erratically. It was always my fault. It was always that I wasn't meeting his needs. I dropped everything in my life for my children and family and household. Please don't let this kind of behavior persist. I was in this marriage for 32 years. At this time I am only separated. And barely scratching the surface of my own issues after living for three decades with someone who was very psychologically and emotionally abusive to me as well.
@@joshangout9609 for your own health sake feel genuine sorrow for him. Sorrow Is an easier physical emotion for you for his behavior. Keep yourself physically safe and sounds by next feeling sorrow. Then finally, when your ready, forgiveness. Best vibes to you.
Wait, STOP: he WONT TALK TO ME for a COUPLE DAYS, part. Um. Not ok. And definitely in the realm of emotional abuse. If there’s “repair” after, that doesn’t mean this person would feel safe after this! You feel ok about your partner not talking with you for DAYS?!? No.
@debtalan6255 I literally just heard that part while watching and went to comments to see if anyone else was like,”wait that’s not okay …what!?” That behavior does not seem okay at all. I also don’t think it’s okay to swear to your partner ever. As she said that’s so disrespectful and does nothing to help the relationship
Thank you for calling that out. Ignoring someone for days IS abuse, my ex would literally ignore me for days and weeks at a time. A few times he ignored me for one day shy of a month. That is giving the silent treatment and that is abuse. We dated for almost 2.5 years but out of that 2.5 years we were actually “together” Maaaybe a total of a year and 7 months because he would break up with me and block me literally every single month several times a month during our entire relationshit.
My husband was told by our counsellor that if he continued to stonewall, I would leave. It didn't matter to him. He continues to any time I speak up. He tells me in front of the kids that I'm not as valuable as him because he makes more money, so my parenting is not welcomed. Only his way is the way
Thank you for this!!! I was in a relationship that didn’t feel good so I asked my counselor was it healthy. She gave me some handouts to read and I was able to identify that the relationship was emotionally abusive.
My husband is very neglectful. He will not eat the food I cook. He will eat out before he comes home. I am a good cook. Even his friends like my food. He cuts me off when I call him when he is working. ( he has a job where he can talk on the phone for a minute or 2. These are just a couple of things he does. We are separated and we will be getting a divorce. I deserve better.
"He eats out before he comes home." What? He is a NEGLECTFUL HUSBAND because he eats food before he comes home? He is neglectful because when you bother him at work, he hangs up on you? This is divorce worthy? You will never be happy.
@@mainetides670 Perhaps not neglectful, but extremely UNGRATEFUL. She deserves respect and appreciation for the effort of cooking for him, but he instead chooses to eat out. And I wouldn't call out phoning him at his work as 'bother him'. Only they know the reason she's calling for. It seems you are blaming her...
It is hard over time because you start to think that you're to blame. You start to react in negative ways because you are mentally confused and upset. This is my life!!!!!! I am struggling to get a divorce and simply survive. Nobody should ever be treated this way. One of the big things my lawyer said, "Was there physical abuse." Abuse is abuse regardless of whether it has been physical or not. My spouse would gaslight me whenever I spoke about how things made me feel. I am struggling with enjoying things that used to make me happy. My spouse has addictions like a workaholic, drugs, alcohol, and sex.
When I was starting to share with my ex how hurtful his words were, he'd say "I'm not abusive to you, and if you think I abuse you, you should leave, I'm not going to stop you. If I felt you abused me I'd leave so I think you know I don't abuse you"
Yes! This is a good one. My narc was convinced behaviour and sharp comments towards friends and family are OK because “they keep coming back for more, don’t they?” … it’s part of the “it’s my way or the highway” philosophy of the narc. You can “take it” or “leave it” And you’re still here…so….
@@critchie thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you experienced that as well. But your willingness to share does provide me some comfort that I'm not alone so there's a little positive coming from your hurt too. I hope I can provide the same to you.
My ex would berate me for spending money on my kids, helping them with studies etc. I ended up hiding it from her which is not what you'd do in a healthy relationship.
Nice Video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love him so much I can't stop thinking about him, l've tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail, I'm frustrated, I don't see my life as anyone else. I've done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can't, I don't know why I'm saying this here, I really miss him and just can't stop thinking about him.
I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about two years ago, but I could not let him go, so I had to do all I could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring him back, now we are back together, and I must say I am enjoying every moment...
@BarbaraLinton-k1c Can I suggest watching videos about ‘Limerance’ instead of abuse video’s? Limerance videos will help you move forward positively without this man in your life. They will help you to understand about the grieving process of a breakup and when it’s no longer healthy to keep hoping or fantasising about them coming back to you. ❤
26:06 also the very fact that whenever I voice out my feelings and the way I have been hurt verbally and emotionally , then it turns somehow into my fault and we end up in a sympathy reversal where apparently their problems are much bigger again which I am not saying no to but I never feel heard seen or understood
I just left a toxic relationship where the insults were called “banter” or “jokes” at my expense. I was unsure about how I felt about the end until he destroyed my personal property.
There were lots of subtle signs of emotional abuse from my ex, such as not respecting boundaries. One confirmation is when you tell them NOT to text you after the breakup, yet they keep on doing it...even admitting that they can't help themselves due to loneliness/boredom. Just a blatant disregard for basic boundaries.
I think a therapist need to have the conversation about leaving the relationship with his client when there is emotional abuse. He need to assess how far the client has been 'erased' by his abuser and made to believe he is not able to live without the abuser. Especially when a client went through child abuse, healing from past trauma's is not possible if retraumatised constantly in adulthood. A client need to hear that from his therapist.
I have to say thank you for how candid this conversation is… I’ve had really great relationships and some really bad and currently exactly what we are talking about and this conversation the way you two are speaking about it is incredibly grounding… I’m realizing how I got sucked in ( when I’ve been wondering why and how) but now I can see ALL of it some my history and then just the manipulation and just when we care we make excuses and simple things that later become huge things…. I REALLY appreciate how you opened this up to make people not feel defensive bc we all know when in this situation we defend them first….. seriously thank you
The way he isolated me from my family was he would actually lie about my dad or another member of my family treating him bad(disrespectful). And while I had a hard time believing they would've said or done the things he'd say they did, I also saw no reason at the time that he would lie about those things. I had no idea what was happening subconsciously inside my mind. Slowly, but bit by bit, I began distancing from my family, WITHOUT REALIZING IT ‼️💥💥💥😭
My ex would claim I was gaslighting him by having a difference of opinion or perspective than him. It was abuse if I brought up an issue that was bothering me, because I was making him look/feel like a “bad guy.” He would easily define many things as emotional abuse based on their impact. 🤷♀️ That definition gets a bit sticky when someone feels abused and uses that as a way to avoid accountability or shut you down.
My husband stopped drinking when we had my son. But before he was born, he would become aggressive when drunk and drug me to force me to do things. One time he beat me up so bad , I woke up with bruises and a busted lip. I couldn’t remember anything and saw a bullet hole in the living room. I’m sure that bullet was for me . When I confronted him about it the next day. He dismissed it like it was nothing.
Those are crimes. Depending on the severity of the crime, it can be a crime to *not* report it, especially when children are involved. If he EVER gets drunk again and/or shows any sign of violence, get your baby and your go bag and LEAVE, even if it is just for a night. If you are afraid to go back after that, then ask for a police escort to come and get what you need, but don’t go back to him if you are scared. That’s your intuition. Listen to it. You and your baby’s safety are more important than protecting his image or ego. Please be safe.
4:37 this right here. Especially men. There is no guidance about what a good relationship even is like, or how to treat eachother in a romantic intimate relationship, and what respect even is. And we are totally pressured to get in and stay in the perfect-looking relationship by family friends and society in general. I think this is the most dangerous thing emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, literally in every way.
I'm definitely wishing I was more educated in how to identify eligibility to be my partner as a criteria. The emphasis was always on get a relationship, not on picking one you would want.
Isolation is so much more than saying "don't do this" or "I dont like them/that." It's also when he refuses to stick to plans or tell you when he's coming over so you cant live your own fucking life. Because you know you're going to pay for it if you're not waiting at home for him. You wanted to go to that volunteer event on Saturday from 12-4? How *could* you when he's going to finally spend time with you all Saturday? Then 6:00 rolls around and he finally shows up. You chose to not go to the event on Saturday, so its all your fault. How dare you try to blame him!
I can tell that you've experienced emotional abuse (I have too) and you are talking from experience. That's so valuable and feels more natural than someone reading about it in a book and then trying to teach it back. Until you've experienced it, you can't really know how insidious* (insiduous? :,D) it is. Thank you!
I kinda need a cry now. I realized a lot of the things I still struggle with 7 years later is all the things I was blamed on, “you did this abusive thing and that justifies what I did.” And in many cases I physically hurt myself trying to correct it. But we never talked about it beyond my partner blaming me and I realize that was because we didn’t have a healthy relationship where we could address those issues. So the end result is I bottle absolutely everything up and live with this immense about of fear and guilt.
I recently got out of an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, it has been 3 days now. Together for 1 year 8 months. I endured the abuse because i told myself that I emotionally abuse him too until I couldnt take it anymore. I particially blamed myself but I'm working on forgiving myself and forgiving him too. I'm glad that it is finally over though
@14:20 that almost feels like spritual abuse sometimes. He tells me I have to quit volunteering with the wildlife rehabs, which is something that I find very spiritually fulfilling. I'm not letting him take that from me.
They deliberately try to hurt my feelings because they are feelings were hurt by some thing that was not intentional Wonder sometimes if they’re trying to like have a reason to get upset at me🤷♀️ they also like to mirror me ,
My mom is emotionally abusive. I'll be completely honest here, I never realised what she was doing was abusive and I have copied her many times in the past. We had very poor modelling to cope with emotions as children. Most emotions were treated with contempt. So most emotions trigger an overwhelming shame in me. Coming to terms with an emotionally abusive childhood forces us to reflect on our own behaviour. I do feel ready to be in a healthy relationship now, and I hope that I continue to manage my emotions better, for everyone's sake
Same/similar. ❤ And remember even when you’ve grown so much, some relationship wounds can only heal in relationships, so be aware that when you do “slip back” to what you were modeled, it is normal. Periodic “tune-ups” with a therapist can be really helpful to work on the rough spots we all still have. Also being open and vulnerable with your partner (once you’ve established trust of course) will be really important.
My partner has an alcohol problem. He likes to pick fights when he’s drunk. Even when I try not to engage, he follows me around the house and continues to argue AT me. My wake up moment was when I told him I would take the kids and leave for the night if he kept going, and he hid the car keys so I couldn’t leave. I’m working on getting out because he’s in denial about having a drinking problem. And I’m sick of being called a nag and shit mum when I try to tell him how I feel.
I met a woman once...and during our chat over coffee. She mentioned her marriage. And said " but he does not hit me so l stay" l was so shocked and said " but that is a given" she seemed confused. I can tell you. If anyone layed a hand on me....your a goner. Plus police called.
Thank you for speaking on this topic. I had an ex who did this very thing all the time. It eventually escalated to physical abuse. Some people use bdsm to abuse people emotional as well. Had it happen to me. I never ever considered subtle snide remarks or accidentally situations verbal explosiveness was abuse...
Im guilty of emotional abuse. My husband cheated on me 6 months into our marriage, and I reacted by becoming Queen Bitch, and tore him down for years. It's not worth it to lose your own capacity for compassion just to get back at the one who hurt you. Divorce is an okay option 💪💜
Lmao,he cheated on you,you reacted the way you should,and you claim you emotionally abused him?? HAHAHAHA. No sympathy,he cheated on you,you did nothing wrong but whatever
@GabrielleTollerson girl, I love and appreciate having you in my corner. I meant to communicate that it's okay divorce cheaters on the spot instead of wasting your compassion on them. I hope your pillow cases are always cold, and that bugs never invade your home. 💪💜
@@GabrielleTollersonNo, that's not right. It doesn't give anyone the excuse to tear someone down for YEARS. At that point it becomes a choice. You can be mad, and express that anger at them at the start. But staying just to tear them down? You have the option to leave if it becomes too much for you to reconcile. At that point you're just staying to punish them by trying to hurt them back. There is never an excuse for abuse.
He betrayed your trust and broke your boundaries- sounds like reactionary abuse and I’m glad you opened your eyes and left. He’s a pebble when you can find a boulder! 🫶🏽
I have always told my son that the most important life decision you will make is who you marry, it's not your career, your house or where you live. He lived with a father who has emotional deregulation so he's watched bad behavior.
Thank you for this! I got divorced 20 years ago and I've been completely bound up ever since in trying to understand what was happening and who could be blamed for the divorce. I've always suspected emotional and mental abuse because by the time of the divorce I was completely disassociated and barely able to function, but because of the disassociation, I couldn't remember anything that I could use as evidence. Now knowing that a) my feelings of being unable to ever please him and the conversations I remember about how I was either spending too much time at work or not earning enough money (or both), and b) that his intent doesn't matter at all if the results were that destructive is so freeing!!
Is there a part 2 where you give advice on how to fix this in a relationship or is it purely over? I’ve been dealing with an alcoholics one side being this way for over 8 years now. I’ve left my career because he wanted to start a business and we could ‘move on’ but looking back it feels like that was a way to cut me off. I’ve been friendless for 6 years now. I’m sitting in my car at 3:45am cause I can’t go inside out of fear. The 6 months of sober him after the detox was optimistic then he decided on his birthday to start drinking again. Less than a year after that (14 months after detox) I’m back in my car with broken items all over the house. Gaslighting. Extreme. The ‘him’ tmro will be like, I didn’t do that you’re lying… I know the answer. I guess it’s just hard to move on. This won’t ever end will it?
Im so sorry you are being forced to endure this pain ❤ Please reach out for help. You don't have to do this alone. Look for your angels...they are there. Blessings.
You know in your heart it won’t. You need to work on your own codependency and wellbeing. Also, it’s helpful to record their ranting and raving on your phone in your pocket or even out in the open if they don’t observe it, it saved my sanity to be able to listen to recordings and know that I *wasn’t* imagining anything. The gaslighting is deliberate and incredibly harmful.
IMO never try to fix an abusive relationship. Live is too short for that. Leave and be happy. Let them figure it out in their own time. Not on your time.
Gaslighting.. Here are a few gaslighting phrases, "You should seek help" and "but my intentions were good". I hate these check mate phrases, gaslighting is a very ugly characteristic.
At least with “you should seek help” you could suggest, “let’s both go to therapy and get better!” And if they don’t want to do it, then yes, I’d say it is abusive to so reactively throw that phrase around with no self-reflection. It’s just an attack at that point.
Husband hasn’t talked to me in 2 1/2 months. Told me he wants a divorce in March. I said fine. He’s done nothing about it but give me the silent treatment🤔
he doesnt want a divorce, or he wouldve filed. you do need to seek councel and find out your rights when it comes to divorce. If you do nothing and stay compliant, he will absolutely wipe the floor with you in a divorce.
Yes. I have a lot more to lose financially. Had a mediation after I suggested it. It was only a consultation. He set up over an hour away. He has no money to pay even a mediator. I have always been the fiscally responsible one through out our 38 year marriage. I just don’t want him to get half my retirement!!
The behaviors can be minimized or justified, but once you accept that they are an abuser, that it’s WHO they are, that cannot be explained away. They are the problem, not their behaviors.
10 Signs You're the Husband of an Abusive Wife Domestic abuse is an allegation that is commonly raised within the family law setting, however, what defines domestic abuse is often confusingly limited to physical violence. It’s more common to see emotional abuse in marriages ending in divorce, and the abuser is less likely to be the husband as some may believe. Some studies suggest that up to 40% of domestic abuse is carried out against the husband, but that number is hard to specify because men are less likely to report abuse or claim abuse out of embarrassment, fear, or uncertainty of being believed. It’s also not clear to most men what defines abuse and when they are being subjected to it. They may just believe “that’s just part of marriage” when they are in fact subjected to emotionally abusive behaviors. In order to address the issue, husbands should know what to look for. Here are 10 indicators you may be the victim of an abusive marriage.
20:36 i had a best friend who i found was incredibly self absorbed and harmful. she constantly felt harmed by others around her when they would set boundaries or critique her behavior, or even not pay attention to her. she would certainly find this harmful to herself in this case, would those people be abusing her? she genuinely felt harmed and threatened, even though most people would just say they were behaving normally/healthily in response to her. i find this question incredibly important
Is withholding sex abuse? My husband suddenly said no more physical contact at all (in 2010) and he has not touched me at all (literally) since then -on top of everything thing else being discussed
What's sad is a lot of women would say that withholding sexual and physical intimacy isn't abusive if it's directed at a man, or even try to diminish the importance of each within an intimate relationship. I've been told that sex isn't a need, while also saying that having it as my primary means of connecting within an intimate relationship is manipulative. It's soul crushing being in a relationship without physical touch and pleasure.
The only time substance use would be a mitigating consideration is if it was the first time they had it and had an unexpected reaction to it, or if they were drugged by someone else. Otherwise, if someone is abusive when they are under the influence, they need to take accountability for that and not let it happen. Substance use/abuse is not an excuse, even though it is absolutely a factor.
Also, I had a dream recently, about a match of phrases that I made between two of my most important relationships. Both of them told me the phrase: “You can’t blame, I have to do (this or that)” They don’t want the responsibility for your well being
Currently trying to leave this situation and everytime i leave he pulls me back in by making me feel bad for giving up..honestly its painfull to go through because you do feel shame for "giving up" but they are making you give up, its not like you even want to. You just know you cant keep on living like this so you need it to stop. They blame you for all the issues so you cant even talk through issues or resolve them. So freakin devastating to go through honestly.
Me too. There are a lot of years of this and almost no actual happy memories. The only ones are from way back when we were very first dating. He already had trauma then. Then when we had broken up, there was another horrible life event for him. After that, I was the only one who was ever there for him…now who is there for me? Only the people who are physically the farthest away from me.
This was a great video! I appreciated the remarks about not alienating yourself from a victim. I learned this the hard way but thankfully my sister talks to me still, though he takes every opportunity to make me look like a bad amd drive a wedge between us, now I refuse to be around him at all because of the continued fighting he tries to conjure.
I was told that I didn’t love or at least I didn’t make them feel loved because I didn’t hear them. Say I love you. And that apparently I slam the door in their face when I didn’t, and apparently I was responsible for bringing up situation about an issue between their sibling and them that has nothing to do with me and. I mean I listened when they brought it up, but apparently it was my responsibility to bring it up. I was also apparently I am at fault for hurting them because I didn’t simply hear them. Say I love you. 🤷♀️. And apparently I’m a I am doing everything wrong 🤷♀️ and apparently I do things on purpose🤷♀️.
I feel like I need to comment.. please be careful with saying things like it's not a one-off. I understand what you're saying, but.... my abusive ex started out with one time, then it would be like gradual, once every 6 months, once every 3 months.. and I wish I had gotten out before it got worse. But part of what made me stay, along with other reasons, was that I told myself it didn't happen often enough for it to be a big deal. And because when he apologized it wouldn't happen again for 4-6 months, it would make me think he had changed and he meant it because it took so long for it to happen again, so by that time I had gotten comfortable again. It's the cycle.
I have to debate the wording on definition, that abuse is "meant". It absolutely doesn't have to be conscious or intentional. Abuse is abuse regardless how normal it is for them.
I responded with anger as well, after a while. Then she would say since I was angry, that means I'm guilty of whatever she was accusing me of (Usually cheating). No, I was angry for constantly being accused of things I never did. Or for being gaslit and told I said or did things I know I never did, and feeling powerless to exonerate myself because she would just say she didn't believe me.
I didn’t grow up in the states so my view of relationships is different. The person I’ve been seeing for a year has displayed absolute narcissism and emotional abuse but one of the things he likes to say is that if this is real- I must stay with him no matter what because this is how relationships are. I tell him no. Absolutely not. What’s happening here isn’t us fighting occasionally and repairing. I tell him he is absolutely emotionally abusive and that he must leave me alone. He won’t. And you will never catch me saying something like ”fuck off”. As soon as he starts I dismiss myself from the situation.
this is what i used to do with my partner and she would label it as stonewalling later on... same situation on her end where she would say i need to love her in all ways otherwise i only conditionally loved her. years later i have lost the control of walking away from an abusive situation and i lash out verbally. occasionally i will respond appropriately like i'm not ok with the criticisms, they feel unwarranted and personal. more often though i am not able to hold space for the micromanaging and belittling that occurs in most interactions with her. the sad thing here is that neither me or her want to end the relationship and keep falling into this abusive pattern. i've lost so much time in my relationship with my partner of 10 years. so tired of it all and hopeless for anything different.
Deep down, I think you know what you have to do. The fairytale that you both created together at the beginning of the relationship, isn’t real. No more giving the benefit of the doubt or hopes that it might work out. If he is capable of self reflection and making positive changes, then yes, but that’s not usually the case. Do what is best for you, not what’s best for him
Reactive abuse is what happens (from me to him) when I go through all this emotional abuse. My partner is in prison and I feel like I'm in prison with him. He wants my hair, weight, clothing, makeup, friendships a certain way. I have to answer the phone when he calls. When I don't - why didn't you answer the phone? Gets angry because I don't come visit him every month (2.5 hours away) gets mad that I want to go to concerts, the gym, or other events because that's where guys pick up girls. Always being asked if I'm being faithful. Insists I'm going to take a lie detectors test when he gets out. All I hear is how I don't prioritize him. Make him number 1. But I'm the crazy one. I'm all fucked up in my mind right now. I try to leave and I get sucked back in by guilt trips. He is up for parole in 1.5 years. I can't fathom living with him.
@deedlebug6548 What you have described sounds just like a relationship I escaped about 9 months ago. I kept on excusing his behavior for a variety of reasons. I excused him because he has a diagnoses of autism, I excused him because he had prior bad relationships, I excused him because of his overcontrolling mother, I excused him because he told me his online job was stressful, I excused him because he said the fact that I'm financially poor and can't afford to hire workmen to finish building projects quickly like he can makes me irresponsible and that stresses him, I excused him because he told me that he can't handle stress when he is constipated,drinking coffee, and or forgot to take his vitamin supplements as these things lower his emotional resistance. The list of excuses goes on and on. He would become enraged if I talked to my mom or my friends without his permission. He was mad if I said thank you to a male cashier or if a male came up to us in a restaurant and asked where the bathrooms could be found. If these things happened I was accused of flirting or cheating. I had to answer the phone immediately whenever he called and he would go into a rage if I wasn't in my bedroom when he would call. I wasn't allowed to do any fun activities by myself as he considered that cheating on him. So I couldn't leave the house without his permission. He was mad that I'm working to get my degree through online education as it takes too much time away from him. He was mad that I refused to sell my house that I own and love because it's not in a posh neighborhood like his and it requires that I maintain it with basic maintenance. I kept on staying because there were occasional good times and I figured if I just worked harder on the relationship I could make him act nice all the time. I stayed because I figured his intentions were good even if he was hurting me and so I figured all of his bad behavior towards me was just a big mistake on his part. I figured if he got therapy we could just work it out. I thought that if he wasn't calling me names or getting physically violent with me then it wasn't abuse when he would scream with his face close to mine and wave his fists dangerously close to me through the air. I thought his breaking stuff with his fists when enraged was okay because that's not the same as hitting me. I tried harder to make things work and did all of his chores and mine to make life less stressful for him. The more chores I did for him the more he found to go into rages about. In the end he took out his heavy orthodic shoe and hit me on my bare leg. The top of my leg was black from the bruise for two months. By the time he hit me I had a hard time recognizing that it was abuse because I was so used to excusing him due to my belief that his behavior is all an accident and his intentions are all good. I left him more because I felt unsafe rather than because I recognized him hitting me was abuse. This is brainwashing at it's finest! If you are with a man who treats you this way I beg you to recognize it is abuse and you must think of yourself because it will only get worse and you will get more confused and helpless as time goes on. The most important thing to remember is if you leave you must convince them to be the final one to break off the relationship or they will see you as their runaway slave they have to catch. I strongly recommend that victims pretend they have obcessive compulsive disorder due to the onset of anxiety and talk in incessant mindless circles that go nowhere for hours on end about subjects that drive the abuser crazy. Try of course to do this by phone from a safe place away from the abuser. I did this and convinced him we were no longer compatible and it worked. I got a breakup text from him and haven't heard a peep from him since then. If they don't like you picking your nose then start doing it all the time. Long unending text messages and voicemail messages are a blessing in these situations that can really fool your abuser into thinking you're unhinged and not worth their time and effort. Hugs to all survivors of narcissistic abuse.
Get out of that relationshit, seriously he will not change when he gets out of prison. He will control you even more once he’s home. He sounds like a Narcissistic personality disordered person. He will ruin your life. Look at how he is behaving now and he’s in prison, he clearly is not doing anything to better himself. Get out, he will not change, he will only get worse. He will destroy you. Look at his behavior, his patterns, how he treats you, how YOU FEEL. Don’t ignore the red flags. Look up Dr. Ramini on RUclips she is a great resource for personality disordered insight. 🙏🏽
Change your number, move away before he is released, stay away from any mutual friends or his family, find a support group of people you trust or who have been through similar, save money to build an emergency fund, don’t choose to stay, choose YOU! All the best xo
My 'husband' says he always uses 'reasoned and rational' argument to explain everything he has done since we met...because of the advanced training he had with a psychologist in his career. He tries to wear me down verbally until he gets what he wants.
When I don't behave the way my ex wanted, he would do stuff like tell me to go home, looked at me with disgust and throw all the food I made for him into the garbage. And on top of that, he said it's all my fault. I hope he would not hurt the next victim.
I have been told I’m dumb and not intelligent, that I can’t string a sentence together- however he would get angry, not actually listen to my words, trip me up with words like a riddle to win his point.. I just felt intimidated and humiliated so did start to stumble my words bc of the confusion
I feel like the relationship I just came out of was emotionally abusive. What strikes me is that he read a lot about relationships and psychology and I feel like he twisted some of these concepts. For example, he would tell me that he felt unsafe in the relationship. He would say he felt unsafe because he would imagine that I was cheating when I was just out visiting with a girlfriend or because I set boundaries and spent an evening by myself. So, my back goes up a but when you say if your partner says they feel unsafe, that you should be looking at your behavior. Things like that can be used to control too. It is very insidious and hard to pick apart sometimes. Overall this podcast was super helpful and really informative.
If their emeshed with a family member and spend equal or more time with them then you, is it abusive to point that out and ask for more time? He calls me co-dependent, and it's a me problem, but I'm tired of feeling single and left alone on holidays.
Who is abusive? The person expressing how they feel when certain things happen, or the person labeling the other person and not listening to their sincere feelings? Yes, you may need to learn more effective strategies to optimally express your feelings, but his dismissing and invalidating of your feelings and refusing to talk about it with you is definitely abusive and disrespectful.
27:19 (sorry for spamming but this is like you are talking to me) Also, all kinds of nonsense was said over calls and even texts (when I didn't pick because I knew what would happen) when under the influence, and then the next morning everything would be deleted and I would be told "I was Outta my mind. U don't worry. I was drunk" and then told not to overthink and forget it because they were under the influence :)
21:44 not to nitpick but intent does in fact matter in a court or police case (whether it be a criminal or civil case) in terms of the charges that are applied as well as the punishment that is deemed fit 😕 I really only bring this up because I feel like it is an extension of the metaphor; it may not be their fault/intention to inflict pain but it happened and its their responsibility to make sure they aren't repeating the same actions that inflicted that pain. That is when it becomes an unsustainable pattern.
It depends. Some people can use your struggles against you. Weaponoze your pmdd, and blame everything on it. I think pmdd can bring out what’s going on, but on steroids. My thinking is distorted, but there is some truth. I seek out close family or a friend to check in with whom I trust their judgment since I’m struggling at that time. Journaling before and after my period is really helpful. Also, pmdd doesn’t affect us the entire month.
Ok Ive never met a man or women that didnt have some kind of qualities rhat are being called out....so with that said.....If there is isolation or if there is purposeful gaslighting uaed to make you question your sanity you.should get to safety. Ive never seen a couple that has these perfect magical fights people make.mistakes sometimes.but I think in the end if you are both willing to work on it its a lot more then half the relationships our there!
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An apology without changed behavior is manipulation. I read that once and it has stuck with me.
🤯😢
This!!! 100% true.
"When words don't match actions that is called manipulation." That was a 🤯 moment for me when I heard that one.
True!!
Very true fr
9:35 Just FYI on that point...My ex would stonewall/ignore me, we would eventually try to talk, then he would talk in circles to confuse me, turn things back on me and sometimes I would end up saying sorry. And he would feel justified in whatever he did to me, and nothing would ever be fully resolved. It took me a long time to fully recognize what was happening.
Mine did the exact same thing and he discarded me right before a dream trip. He threw me away like trash but I know it was the only way I’d be freed from this awful situation. I hate him but still wanted to be with him??
@@kaylaaicher3902 Mine inherited money, lied about how much it was, then went on a trip alone. I was really hurt since I'd been waiting years for a trip together. Also, read the book Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes. Talks about trauma bonds and how it makes you want to stay etc.
My ex wife did that, she was a covert narcissist
Oh my gosh. I dealt with the Same exact thing all of the time. What hurt my heart even more is that he stonewalled our son when my son was about 5 years old. My son did not understand it. My husband refused to talk to him again until my son apologized. He let it go 6 weeks.
My ex did the same it’s mind boggling
I went through months and months of hell, but the moment when he had deliberately reduced me to collapsing against the wall in a bundle of tears, in front of our two small children, and I looked up and saw him smiling and enjoying my pain, I knew I was done and was getting out no matter what.
💯💯💯
I caught my "clueless about his behaviour" BF smirking during an argument. Full on cartoon evil villain smirk. He does not think I saw it, but it changed my view of everything in a heartbeat.
I had a similar experience. It wasn't a smirk but it was a change in face that wasn't a normal expression kind of change. It also changed reality for me in a way that I have been trying to understand for a long time now.
Yup, mine would do this. Stupid smirk.
And now he is your ex?
@@aloishe for a thousand reasons, I cannot leave at the moment..
@@Girlbrush.Threepwoodthat "at the moment" quickly becomes 10 and then 20 years. It gets more complicated with the time. It becomes a prison and you become shell of a person, while he advances in all fields. It is like taking haroin and saying I cannot quit now, but I will when things become easier for me to quit. And it becomes worse and harder. So, good luck with that.
The hardest thing for me has been overcoming the reactive abuse. Being around it for so many years, I stopped crying and joined in. I had to recognize and learn to control my emotions the way I did before. Focusing on myself has made a huge difference. I know I don’t want to yell or treat anyone the way he does.
Reactive abuse makes you feel guilty and shameful of your own behaviour. That's how they keep you stuck. So that you place the blame on yourself and they can continue hurting you. They dump all their own shame onto you.
Abuse is Abuse and there's no way to get around it. No matter how much you are clean talking about this all, no one's should be accepting badly behaved individual people. Regardless of what is happening with anything, you put your feet down on badly behaved individual towards you. Have boundaries in place!
And the reactive abuse makes you feel like a horrible person like your at fault for the years of betryal abs been lied to and manipulated and exploited it’s very hard but we can get through it and grow ❤❤
@@simjam1980exactly it’s nice to know we have others that get this
@@beppiefleurdenheyer4486 the only boundary you can have with an abuser is to leave. Trying to force a narcissist to respect your boundaries is impossible. You can't force someone to respect your boundaries... because then you are labelled as controlling. But a narcissist will NEVER respect your boundaries. So you either stay and let them walk all over you, or you leave, or you continue riding that roller coaster into the depths of hell, in an endless battle to be shown some respect.
I heard a really good quote recently from another psychologist, who said, “An abusive person, abuses because they are an abuser”. Truth.
Ooof. Great share. That has to be one of the hardest hitting, and sobering things I’ve heard regarding emotional abuse. It can be so easy to downplay and make excuses for a partners hurtful behaviors, especially when they show how loving and faithful they can be. Talk about living in a fog.
@@mattimus1979yep, like the highs are why you stay, because they can be so amazing, then they change in a split second and treat you terribly.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 YES!!!!, exactly!!!!
@@fluutur4430 yes!!, happy TO BE FREE!!! 🎉🎉🎉
And they probably have been abused and have not forgiven.
My partner had the "oh shit" moment in couple's counciling where he realized he was emotionally abusive and deeply passive aggressive. I had hope. Then a week and a half later, he tried physically intimidating me in public. I pointed it out. He was mortified. Apparently he just plain can't help it. Maybe long term it will get better. But I don't deserve to be in the detonation zone in the meantime.
They really can’t help it it’s who they are and I realized that
You don’t deserve it. But it takes time. He is on the right track and the fact he was mortified means he is seeing it which is so important. The therapy can help some. I think giving it time WHILE getting your own therapy and support group to help watch over you. If you don’t have them. I speak from experience too. It’s so hard. I feel the detonation thing! I jump at everything. I don’t hear my alarm but if he whispers my name I immediately wake. He is getting better. I hope the best for you. You should have peace. And I know I’m just a rando. The unsolicited advice comes in love and care. ❤
No it will not! 30 years and it became worse.
It can take YEARS for change
@@kaylagauby2552 but still, they dont deserve to be in the detonation zone while someone else is taking their time to change.
Yes thank you for spelling this out. Exactly what you’re saying…it slowly creeps up over the years until you’re emotionally trapped and don’t know how to get out. I had no idea I was in an emotionally abusive relationship until I started hearing about narcissist/ cluster b personality
disorders 😢
I am always getting yelled at and told its not yelling.
I'M NOT YELLING!!!!! Haha, Sorry, had to. Narcissism is due to brain damage. They have NO normal view of life at all.
That's gaslighting, Sis.
Yell back "I am not yelling either!!!" and then start working on an exit plan and LEAVE
Me too and I'm prepared to walk if he doesn't get help
@@beautifulspirit2973I would just leave, don’t wait for someone to get the proper help. I waited for my GF to go to counseling/therapy like she said and she ended up never going until I needed to have a final conversation with her about our communication. Sometimes you gotta just accept people are who they are
Thanks! When I was going through an abusive situation one of the hard parts was figuring out if it was actual abuse. Thanks for spelling it out!
21:35 reminded me of something a friend said, "think you got bitten by a snake and instead of going to the doctor and treating your wound and trying to heal from it you go after the snake and ask why it bit you, did the snake mean it, what did you do to deserve it, will the snake change..."
It had slowly developed to being abusive. It wasn’t even me who noticed it. I always defended him in conversations where a friend or relative would say that it sounded like emotional abuse. Then I had a couple very healthy friendships emerge and I recognized the level of disrespect that I had been dealing with. I had an epiphany on a family vacation and couldn’t “un-see” it. I had to decide if I would save him and lose myself or save myself and lose him. It was such a tough decision and very difficult to sever the connection but I felt like three years of degradation was too long. Im 37 and I am still learning and growing but I’m so happy that I chose me.
Good for you!!!!! Because they do not change and the abuse only gets worse!!!!
You are worthy of respect & caring from a partner. Save yourself 1st. You are not responsible to save another who treats you bad. It's not your fault. That other person has to do their own work to become a better person. Change your environment & you will in time feel what you already have achieved: personal freedom to a happy life.
I'd like to share that in my own experience, there weren't always words used to isolate me or stop me from doing things I enjoyed or needed to do. With his words he was fully supportive. It was his actions that made it slip by me so easily. For instance, I used to volunteer working with a local scholarship pageant once a week. I would ribd him I would be home late and to please take care of the girls for the evening. I would get home at 11pm and the house would be completely trashed, they wouldn't be in bed, nor bathed and hadn't even had dinner. When I asked what they are he'd say well our youngest had a bite of his pizza!? What!?
It was silently torturing me so that "I" would choose not to volunteer anymore. And if we ever fought he would call all my family behind my back and try to convince them I was unwell and needed the kids taken away. I had no idea what he was doing behind my back...
reading your story is so helpful for me to be able to come to terms with my own experiences. I am so sorry that you had to go through that but I am glad that you shared it with us. it helped me for sure!
Yes thank you for sharing. This happens all the time. If I don’t feed them he won’t and will send them to bed like that just making me come back.
WTF???
Omg!!! That happened to me…. And he got my kids taken away from me!! I can’t even describe the abuse.. so much in every way…. And so subtle over a decade.. then 💥 boom an explosion!!!!
I was stabbed on mother's day years ago in front of my daughters. Got away from him and met someone else. When I finally got away from him the counselor at court told me I had been so physically abused by my first I didn't realize all the emotional, psychological and mental abuse I was getting from the second. We fall into patterns and cycles of abuse. We might be seeing a different man but he's the same type. We attract what we are familiar with. Now I'm with someone completely different than I have ever been around and it took me forever to accept I deserved to be treated nicely. Break our patterns to heal ourselves.
Remember the old saying sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never hurt you? Yeah stab wounds broken bones etc heal but yhe names and what they say remain embedded.
"you're being selfish" was her go to. I kept listening and trying to give until I completely broke down. After we broke up, It took 2 years of therapy to help me accept that taking care of myself isn't selfish.
💞💞💞
I will never forget the one day when he was telling me how bad I am and crazy . That day I said to him that I was not like that and if I am he has made me this way. A week later I separated from him. I had to run with my kid and clothes on my back because he would not let me go, I was terrified and scared he was going to kill me... 10 years of this, I left broken it took me years to recover. I still have baggage I struggle to trust myself in terms of allowing romantic relationships in my life. He seemed like such a nice guy....
Women of impact had a video of how not get gaslighted or manipulated 2 hrs longish but on point on stuff related to this
My friend told me “date a guy with enough son of a bitch in him because of you date a nice guy a nice guy will need a bad guy and the bad guy will be YOU” and boy was she right!
@@Pursuit4happiness thank you for this, I am going to go find their video, may have to watch it in segments.
@@Pursuit4happinessdo you perhaps have the name or podcast number for the episode, or perhaps when you saw it to get a timeline? When I search there are a whole bunch of Women of Impact videos that cover this topic.
THEY ALWAYS DO. They akways put on the fake bs "nice guy" mask in the begining, ALL of my relationships were like this,it's disturbing and it says a lot!!
i’m 16, my ex is 17. we started dating when we were both 14, and we were together for a little over 2 years. i just realized he was an emotionally abusive narcissist. i left him yesterday and i feel kinda numb, but im glad it’s finally over.
Good for you! Being your own self advocate. Very mature. Stay strong on this decision. And you're suuuuuper young! Use this time to truly heal and get to know yourself... what you like/ don't like... and weed out anyone who doesn't fit this (the healthy desires)
Keep going don’t look back
Do yourself and the next guy a favor.
Take the time to get to know who YOU are.I met my wife at 17 and i was 18,it's been 30 years later and we are now addressing the red flags we didn't as horny young kids that hadn't even considered the world at large. So much i wished I had done,for myself FIRST.
BE YOUNG AND ENJOY THE HELL OUT OF IT,make mistakes learn from them,don't be in a rush to have a BF or to be what everyone else is in a relationship.
Have a relationship with yourself first.
Good For You...! Please continue to educate yourself & get support. Narcs uaually return & the cycle continues, getting worse each time. Honeymoon~ Devalue~ Discard~ Repeat. All the best...🌻
Great.. so happy for you! I was with my high school partner for longer than it should’ve been… it ended but the next one I think I dug myself into a deeper hole than the last.. it is kinda broken off but it still feels weird I feel broken and it’s invalidated every single time 7 years of my life invested into “love” left me broken and no stable career... anyways kudos to you 🎉and build yourself 🙌🏼
I stayed because I told myself, "Well ive been emotionally abusive to him too."
Wow, yes. I am currently out of the relationship but am struggling with not going back because I realize that I was emotionally abusive, too. But what's keeping me strong is knowing that it wasn't my default way of engaging with him but more of a defense mechanism.
That seems to be a trap thst the abused fall into. Because at some point, you get tired of trying to be calm, trying to fight fair, so you get dragged down to their level of yelling, insulting, ignoring. BUT, that’s just a way of defending yourself from the onslaught of emotional abuse. Don’t fall into the trap of blaming yourself if you know thst you only became that way because nothing else was working.
@@lyrene6029look up how to cut off narcissism or toxic person it don’t engage don’t defend for sure and something else that like top 4
@@lyrene6029yes! It was like I was trying to fight back in a way he understood.
@@lyrene6029yes exactly.
7:25 I think in addition to this, when you're young, and married, and still learning how to be an adult... the other partner's emotional abuse causes reactions in yourself that not only do you feel shame about (not realizing that they're intentionally triggering you because why would someone you love do something like that), but then the other partner lays that shame in so thick, making you believe you're the real problem, not them.
This is why emotional abuse is so insidious.
Not giving you privacy and stalking are forms of emotional abuse.
Nobody ever talks about becoming emotionally abusive when trying to free oneself from an emotionally abusive situation. I’ve said all the awful things to my ex because he took advantage of my familial/geographic/social/professional vulnerabilities and refused to leave me for years, doing whatever he pleased which included drug and alcohol abuse and sex addiction. He was never verbally abusive to me but exposed me, a single mother of a small child, to unacceptable and atrocious behaviors, all the while taking advantage of my vulnerabilities and landlord/tenant laws. So yeah, I glitched and have been the most awful person to him. Unfortunate that nobody can expose this aspect of emotional abuse bc I know it’s prevalent.
“Not defined by the intent of the person” fuck that! Y’all need to open your minds to other situations! WTH?!
You’re right. They can be dragged down into the mud with them. Don’t blame yourself. You’re just trying to defend yourself and fight back.
This is the person I'm screaming and begging to not be. I'm more hurt and disgusted that these people want you to get to that point they have something to also use against you. They force you into being also a bad person giving you very little other options to escape and leave as still a good person. For me living with my parents have entrapped and put me in a position where there's really no other options for me to escape this stupid hurtful forced hatred and abuse. People think it's so easy to pick up and leave when your on disability with no identity when they have turned everyone against you and people are out there waiting to throw me into sex trafficking or waiting to harm you stalking you and doing everything they can do to follow you and sabotage every other relationship you manage to get and then follow and torture anyone that comes near you or tries to help you. You can not get away from it. Like there's no place any safer or better then the abusive fucked up place your stuck in already. My parents have gotten to the point where I'm not allowed in the house to use the bathroom or take showers or get food. I'm currently living in their RV at the end of their yard I have no running water I have no bathroom I've become exhausted. I was told help was coming,I was told my whole life i had money coming for the work I did do for the last three decades but they never paid me and are withholding said money and mother is claiming now she's keeping all this money i should have to keep me stuck and abused in this rv instead of giving it to me... This is a really sick fucked up disgusting relationship... And now they have me under the judgemental watchful eye of people who are judging me and digging dirt on me to at some point turn around and also try to sue the shit out of me.I was already told they have Lawyers they got behind my back and are ganging up on me to make this Even worse. I've fought through the entire country searching for someone who can give me advice or help or a hand up to escape this fucked up situation just to be offered all kinds of accusations that I Guess for them validate why they refuse to help me, things like oh your just lazy or You're just paranoid that you don't want to leave your just using your parents so you can continue getting high, or whatever the case may be. :( I wouldn't be getting high if I had a support system to trust to believe me and fairly think about and CARE about my real issues worries and facts that make it impossible for me to up and leave the way they would expect someone to be able to do. Someone has already tried several times to physically kill me.. I've tried talking to my mother but she won't listen, she blames and accuses me but I lack the support group and the funds to even be able to leave this situation. It's very very toxic and very painful.
I understand... I went through a similar situation. And your going to have to really not step back from yourself and situation.. look at the whole situations and sit with it calmly going over everything..find the patterns, or repeating behaviors that you can predict... on a spiritual level it usually is about getting your attention.... so you can gain the experience from the situation by recognizing the patterns and or recognizing all that you learnd from it somehow. And change your reaction ... doing that will send ripple effects throughout the either, and that vibration or frequency you changed will manifest a different experience...if not then your not done learning or your missing somthing. ❤ you can give it a go ... it works for me I hope it helps all that it possibly can..love to all ❤
Can you contact adult social services, it sounds like you need to be rehoused etc as the situation you are in sounds like severe financial abuse, ostracisation etc.
Another point… usually abusers don’t think or won’t admit their an abuser
I’m a musician and have not been able to spend time doing music due to having a baby. Now that he’s 2 , I try to practice after I put him to bed. My husband tells calls me selfish for not prioritizing my son and “wasting “ my time. I feel he’s taken away the one this I really enjoy.
My boyfriend has said that to me about gardening. I was looking forward to telling him that once football season started… but, I ended up bringing it up to him recently and he denies he said that. Then I found out that he forgot a bunch of stuff he says.
He can only take it away if you let him.
If you do not nourish yourself, you cannot sustainably be there for your family. It sounds like the baby cried after you put him to bed, so your husband cried that you are selfish instead of taking care of his son.
My husband would accuse me of that kind of thing too. On the same token, he would turn around and be excruciatingly jealous because I spent all of my time with our four children and neglected his needs. He would be rate me and be so angry at me for not being able to stay awake at night after I got all the kids in bed and then I got into bed. Once again because I couldn't meet his demand for certain things. I literally could not stay awake. I was so tired. He would punish me for that kind of thing by not going to church or worse, being angry mood the next morning on our way to church and speeding down the freeway driving erratically. It was always my fault. It was always that I wasn't meeting his needs. I dropped everything in my life for my children and family and household. Please don't let this kind of behavior persist. I was in this marriage for 32 years. At this time I am only separated. And barely scratching the surface of my own issues after living for three decades with someone who was very psychologically and emotionally abusive to me as well.
@@joshangout9609 for your own health sake feel genuine sorrow for him. Sorrow Is an easier physical emotion for you for his behavior. Keep yourself physically safe and sounds by next feeling sorrow. Then finally, when your ready, forgiveness. Best vibes to you.
Wait, STOP:
he WONT TALK TO ME for a COUPLE DAYS, part. Um. Not ok. And definitely in the realm of emotional abuse. If there’s “repair” after, that doesn’t mean this person would feel safe after this! You feel ok about your partner not talking with you for DAYS?!? No.
@debtalan6255 I literally just heard that part while watching and went to comments to see if anyone else was like,”wait that’s not okay …what!?” That behavior does not seem okay at all. I also don’t think it’s okay to swear to your partner ever. As she said that’s so disrespectful and does nothing to help the relationship
Thank you!! I get needing a moment, but the silent treatment for two whole days? That's at least emotional immaturity, if not abusive.
Correct!!!!😬😲
@kristinaml143 went to the comments to see if someone called it out too!!
Thank you for calling that out. Ignoring someone for days IS abuse, my ex would literally ignore me for days and weeks at a time. A few times he ignored me for one day shy of a month. That is giving the silent treatment and that is abuse. We dated for almost 2.5 years but out of that 2.5 years we were actually “together” Maaaybe a total of a year and 7 months because he would break up with me and block me literally every single month several times a month during our entire relationshit.
My husband was told by our counsellor that if he continued to stonewall, I would leave. It didn't matter to him. He continues to any time I speak up. He tells me in front of the kids that I'm not as valuable as him because he makes more money, so my parenting is not welcomed. Only his way is the way
A double horrible of emotional abuse w/ your kids hearing !.
Im sorry!!
He will destroy your children first life,they will learn to be abusive with their partners in the future ,just like him.
Sounds like you need to get out.
Leave him
Your children are being imprinted by his toxic behaviors which could lead to them becoming toxic themselves….leave!
Thank you for this!!! I was in a relationship that didn’t feel good so I asked my counselor was it healthy. She gave me some handouts to read and I was able to identify that the relationship was emotionally abusive.
My husband is very neglectful. He will not eat the food I cook. He will eat out before he comes home. I am a good cook. Even his friends like my food. He cuts me off when I call him when he is working. ( he has a job where he can talk on the phone for a minute or 2. These are just a couple of things he does. We are separated and we will be getting a divorce.
I deserve better.
You absolutely deserve better!
You absolutely do…..all the best
"He eats out before he comes home." What? He is a NEGLECTFUL HUSBAND because he eats food before he comes home? He is neglectful because when you bother him at work, he hangs up on you? This is divorce worthy? You will never be happy.
Good for you!!! I stayed for 16 years, waaaaay too long. I'm so happy for you and I don't even know you😊 have a happy life!!❤
@@mainetides670 Perhaps not neglectful, but extremely UNGRATEFUL. She deserves respect and appreciation for the effort of cooking for him, but he instead chooses to eat out. And I wouldn't call out phoning him at his work as 'bother him'. Only they know the reason she's calling for. It seems you are blaming her...
It is hard over time because you start to think that you're to blame. You start to react in negative ways because you are mentally confused and upset. This is my life!!!!!! I am struggling to get a divorce and simply survive. Nobody should ever be treated this way. One of the big things my lawyer said, "Was there physical abuse." Abuse is abuse regardless of whether it has been physical or not. My spouse would gaslight me whenever I spoke about how things made me feel. I am struggling with enjoying things that used to make me happy. My spouse has addictions like a workaholic, drugs, alcohol, and sex.
Try to find another lawyer and don't let your spouse talk to him/her because he could manipulate him/her.
When I was starting to share with my ex how hurtful his words were, he'd say "I'm not abusive to you, and if you think I abuse you, you should leave, I'm not going to stop you. If I felt you abused me I'd leave so I think you know I don't abuse you"
epic gaslighting from him
Yes! This is a good one. My narc was convinced behaviour and sharp comments towards friends and family are OK because “they keep coming back for more, don’t they?” … it’s part of the “it’s my way or the highway” philosophy of the narc. You can “take it” or “leave it” And you’re still here…so….
@@critchie thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you experienced that as well. But your willingness to share does provide me some comfort that I'm not alone so there's a little positive coming from your hurt too. I hope I can provide the same to you.
Damn, heard this everytime I've pointed out things that have hurt my feelings to SO.
My ex would berate me for spending money on my kids, helping them with studies etc. I ended up hiding it from her which is not what you'd do in a healthy relationship.
Nice Video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love him so much I can't stop thinking about him, l've tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail, I'm frustrated, I don't see my life as anyone else. I've done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can't, I don't know why I'm saying this here, I really miss him and just can't stop thinking about him.
I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about two years ago, but I could not let him go, so I had to do all I could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring him back, now we are back together, and I must say I am enjoying every moment...
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do I reach one.?
Her name is fatherabulu, and him is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex..
Thank you for this valuable information, I just looked him up online. impressive.
@BarbaraLinton-k1c
Can I suggest watching videos about ‘Limerance’ instead of abuse video’s? Limerance videos will help you move forward positively without this man in your life. They will help you to understand about the grieving process of a breakup and when it’s no longer healthy to keep hoping or fantasising about them coming back to you. ❤
26:06 also the very fact that whenever I voice out my feelings and the way I have been hurt verbally and emotionally , then it turns somehow into my fault and we end up in a sympathy reversal where apparently their problems are much bigger again which I am not saying no to but I never feel heard seen or understood
I just left a toxic relationship where the insults were called “banter” or “jokes” at my expense. I was unsure about how I felt about the end until he destroyed my personal property.
There were lots of subtle signs of emotional abuse from my ex, such as not respecting boundaries. One confirmation is when you tell them NOT to text you after the breakup, yet they keep on doing it...even admitting that they can't help themselves due to loneliness/boredom. Just a blatant disregard for basic boundaries.
He'd always say, "fuck your feelings" or "that's just how you've made it up in your mind"
I think a therapist need to have the conversation about leaving the relationship with his client when there is emotional abuse. He need to assess how far the client has been 'erased' by his abuser and made to believe he is not able to live without the abuser. Especially when a client went through child abuse, healing from past trauma's is not possible if retraumatised constantly in adulthood. A client need to hear that from his therapist.
I have to say thank you for how candid this conversation is… I’ve had really great relationships and some really bad and currently exactly what we are talking about and this conversation the way you two are speaking about it is incredibly grounding… I’m realizing how I got sucked in ( when I’ve been wondering why and how) but now I can see ALL of it some my history and then just the manipulation and just when we care we make excuses and simple things that later become huge things…. I REALLY appreciate how you opened this up to make people not feel defensive bc we all know when in this situation we defend them first….. seriously thank you
The way he isolated me from my family was he would actually lie about my dad or another member of my family treating him bad(disrespectful). And while I had a hard time believing they would've said or done the things he'd say they did, I also saw no reason at the time that he would lie about those things. I had no idea what was happening subconsciously inside my mind. Slowly, but bit by bit, I began distancing from my family, WITHOUT REALIZING IT ‼️💥💥💥😭
Same.
@@TheBreathez ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
He manipulated you. Horrible
My ex would claim I was gaslighting him by having a difference of opinion or perspective than him. It was abuse if I brought up an issue that was bothering me, because I was making him look/feel like a “bad guy.” He would easily define many things as emotional abuse based on their impact. 🤷♀️ That definition gets a bit sticky when someone feels abused and uses that as a way to avoid accountability or shut you down.
My husband stopped drinking when we had my son. But before he was born, he would become aggressive when drunk and drug me to force me to do things. One time he beat me up so bad , I woke up with bruises and a busted lip. I couldn’t remember anything and saw a bullet hole in the living room. I’m sure that bullet was for me . When I confronted him about it the next day. He dismissed it like it was nothing.
I hope you are leaving him?
Ypu don't confront people that beat you and/or tried to shoot you. You leave and report them.
Those are crimes. Depending on the severity of the crime, it can be a crime to *not* report it, especially when children are involved. If he EVER gets drunk again and/or shows any sign of violence, get your baby and your go bag and LEAVE, even if it is just for a night.
If you are afraid to go back after that, then ask for a police escort to come and get what you need, but don’t go back to him if you are scared. That’s your intuition. Listen to it.
You and your baby’s safety are more important than protecting his image or ego. Please be safe.
😳😳😳
WHY IS HE NOT EX HUSBAND
The yoga comment got me.
This was exactly how I was prevented from doing anything for 6 years
4:37 this right here. Especially men. There is no guidance about what a good relationship even is like, or how to treat eachother in a romantic intimate relationship, and what respect even is. And we are totally pressured to get in and stay in the perfect-looking relationship by family friends and society in general. I think this is the most dangerous thing emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, literally in every way.
The dismissed feelings & ignoring my existence for weeks while living in the same 1 bedroom with our son. Being nice to me only in public.
I'm definitely wishing I was more educated in how to identify eligibility to be my partner as a criteria. The emphasis was always on get a relationship, not on picking one you would want.
I put my foot down and said you will stoo the passive aggressive behavior. I put up with this from my mother and I wont tolerate it in a marriage
Isolation is so much more than saying "don't do this" or "I dont like them/that."
It's also when he refuses to stick to plans or tell you when he's coming over so you cant live your own fucking life. Because you know you're going to pay for it if you're not waiting at home for him. You wanted to go to that volunteer event on Saturday from 12-4? How *could* you when he's going to finally spend time with you all Saturday? Then 6:00 rolls around and he finally shows up. You chose to not go to the event on Saturday, so its all your fault. How dare you try to blame him!
Just listening to the initial descriptions, my shoulders are like inside my ears and my heart is racing.
I can tell that you've experienced emotional abuse (I have too) and you are talking from experience. That's so valuable and feels more natural than someone reading about it in a book and then trying to teach it back. Until you've experienced it, you can't really know how insidious* (insiduous? :,D) it is. Thank you!
I kinda need a cry now.
I realized a lot of the things I still struggle with 7 years later is all the things I was blamed on, “you did this abusive thing and that justifies what I did.” And in many cases I physically hurt myself trying to correct it. But we never talked about it beyond my partner blaming me and I realize that was because we didn’t have a healthy relationship where we could address those issues. So the end result is I bottle absolutely everything up and live with this immense about of fear and guilt.
I recently got out of an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, it has been 3 days now. Together for 1 year 8 months. I endured the abuse because i told myself that I emotionally abuse him too until I couldnt take it anymore. I particially blamed myself but I'm working on forgiving myself and forgiving him too. I'm glad that it is finally over though
@14:20 that almost feels like spritual abuse sometimes. He tells me I have to quit volunteering with the wildlife rehabs, which is something that I find very spiritually fulfilling. I'm not letting him take that from me.
They deliberately try to hurt my feelings because they are feelings were hurt by some thing that was not intentional Wonder sometimes if they’re trying to like have a reason to get upset at me🤷♀️ they also like to mirror me ,
I dealt with this twice I kept going back . The trauma bond had me in choke hold 😢. Awful words were used and the silent treatment was horrible
My mom is emotionally abusive. I'll be completely honest here, I never realised what she was doing was abusive and I have copied her many times in the past.
We had very poor modelling to cope with emotions as children. Most emotions were treated with contempt. So most emotions trigger an overwhelming shame in me.
Coming to terms with an emotionally abusive childhood forces us to reflect on our own behaviour.
I do feel ready to be in a healthy relationship now, and I hope that I continue to manage my emotions better, for everyone's sake
Same/similar. ❤ And remember even when you’ve grown so much, some relationship wounds can only heal in relationships, so be aware that when you do “slip back” to what you were modeled, it is normal. Periodic “tune-ups” with a therapist can be really helpful to work on the rough spots we all still have. Also being open and vulnerable with your partner (once you’ve established trust of course) will be really important.
My partner has an alcohol problem. He likes to pick fights when he’s drunk. Even when I try not to engage, he follows me around the house and continues to argue AT me. My wake up moment was when I told him I would take the kids and leave for the night if he kept going, and he hid the car keys so I couldn’t leave. I’m working on getting out because he’s in denial about having a drinking problem. And I’m sick of being called a nag and shit mum when I try to tell him how I feel.
Holy cow, get another set of keys.
I met a woman once...and during our chat over coffee. She mentioned her marriage. And said " but he does not hit me so l stay" l was so shocked and said " but that is a given" she seemed confused. I can tell you. If anyone layed a hand on me....your a goner. Plus police called.
I’m so grateful to my mom and sister for being supportive of me and getting me to finally see the truth in a gentle way.
Mine forbid me from talking to my mom and sisters...
@@joshangout9609 i know i was fortunate to have strong support and it helped that he was afraid of my mother.
the pandemic was a blessing for me. he used it as an opportunity to move back home to his mother for the second time.
Thank you for speaking on this topic. I had an ex who did this very thing all the time. It eventually escalated to physical abuse. Some people use bdsm to abuse people emotional as well. Had it happen to me. I never ever considered subtle snide remarks or accidentally situations verbal explosiveness was abuse...
Im guilty of emotional abuse. My husband cheated on me 6 months into our marriage, and I reacted by becoming Queen Bitch, and tore him down for years.
It's not worth it to lose your own capacity for compassion just to get back at the one who hurt you. Divorce is an okay option 💪💜
Lmao,he cheated on you,you reacted the way you should,and you claim you emotionally abused him?? HAHAHAHA. No sympathy,he cheated on you,you did nothing wrong but whatever
@GabrielleTollerson girl, I love and appreciate having you in my corner. I meant to communicate that it's okay divorce cheaters on the spot instead of wasting your compassion on them.
I hope your pillow cases are always cold, and that bugs never invade your home.
💪💜
@@GabrielleTollersonNo, that's not right. It doesn't give anyone the excuse to tear someone down for YEARS. At that point it becomes a choice. You can be mad, and express that anger at them at the start. But staying just to tear them down? You have the option to leave if it becomes too much for you to reconcile. At that point you're just staying to punish them by trying to hurt them back. There is never an excuse for abuse.
He betrayed your trust and broke your boundaries- sounds like reactionary abuse and I’m glad you opened your eyes and left. He’s a pebble when you can find a boulder! 🫶🏽
@GabrielleTollerson Two wrongs don't make a right.
I have always told my son that the most important life decision you will make is who you marry, it's not your career, your house or where you live. He lived with a father who has emotional deregulation so he's watched bad behavior.
Thank you for this! I got divorced 20 years ago and I've been completely bound up ever since in trying to understand what was happening and who could be blamed for the divorce. I've always suspected emotional and mental abuse because by the time of the divorce I was completely disassociated and barely able to function, but because of the disassociation, I couldn't remember anything that I could use as evidence. Now knowing that a) my feelings of being unable to ever please him and the conversations I remember about how I was either spending too much time at work or not earning enough money (or both), and b) that his intent doesn't matter at all if the results were that destructive is so freeing!!
Is there a part 2 where you give advice on how to fix this in a relationship or is it purely over? I’ve been dealing with an alcoholics one side being this way for over 8 years now. I’ve left my career because he wanted to start a business and we could ‘move on’ but looking back it feels like that was a way to cut me off. I’ve been friendless for 6 years now. I’m sitting in my car at 3:45am cause I can’t go inside out of fear. The 6 months of sober him after the detox was optimistic then he decided on his birthday to start drinking again. Less than a year after that (14 months after detox) I’m back in my car with broken items all over the house. Gaslighting. Extreme. The ‘him’ tmro will be like, I didn’t do that you’re lying…
I know the answer. I guess it’s just hard to move on.
This won’t ever end will it?
The data shows that there is only a 5% success rate for an abuser to change. It doesn't matter what type of abuse it is.
Im so sorry you are being forced to endure this pain ❤ Please reach out for help. You don't have to do this alone. Look for your angels...they are there. Blessings.
You know in your heart it won’t. You need to work on your own codependency and wellbeing. Also, it’s helpful to record their ranting and raving on your phone in your pocket or even out in the open if they don’t observe it, it saved my sanity to be able to listen to recordings and know that I *wasn’t* imagining anything. The gaslighting is deliberate and incredibly harmful.
IMO never try to fix an abusive relationship. Live is too short for that. Leave and be happy. Let them figure it out in their own time. Not on your time.
He could have narcissistic personality disorder. Research Dr. Ramini on RUclips she is a great resource.
Gaslighting.. Here are a few gaslighting phrases, "You should seek help" and "but my intentions were good". I hate these check mate phrases, gaslighting is a very ugly characteristic.
At least with “you should seek help” you could suggest, “let’s both go to therapy and get better!” And if they don’t want to do it, then yes, I’d say it is abusive to so reactively throw that phrase around with no self-reflection. It’s just an attack at that point.
And why would you want to stay with someone who emotionally attacks you in this cruel manner?
Husband hasn’t talked to me in 2 1/2 months. Told me he wants a divorce in March. I said fine. He’s done nothing about it but give me the silent treatment🤔
Start making moves/preparing. Get legal advice asap.
he doesnt want a divorce, or he wouldve filed. you do need to seek councel and find out your rights when it comes to divorce. If you do nothing and stay compliant, he will absolutely wipe the floor with you in a divorce.
Yes. I have a lot more to lose financially. Had a mediation after I suggested it. It was only a consultation. He set up over an hour away. He has no money to pay even a mediator. I have always been the fiscally responsible one through out our 38 year marriage. I just don’t want him to get half my retirement!!
I commend you for doing this podcast to raise awareness❤❤🎉🎉
The behaviors can be minimized or justified, but once you accept that they are an abuser, that it’s WHO they are, that cannot be explained away. They are the problem, not their behaviors.
It’s both of us being a part of the argument, but him saying I’m the one doing this to us. Or him saying “I think you need therapy or something”
Abuse can also be purely behavioural. Saying tge exact right words but then undermining and supressing you with irradical and angry behaviour.
10 Signs You're the Husband of an Abusive Wife
Domestic abuse is an allegation that is commonly raised within the family law setting, however, what defines domestic abuse is often confusingly limited to physical violence. It’s more common to see emotional abuse in marriages ending in divorce, and the abuser is less likely to be the husband as some may believe. Some studies suggest that up to 40% of domestic abuse is carried out against the husband, but that number is hard to specify because men are less likely to report abuse or claim abuse out of embarrassment, fear, or uncertainty of being believed.
It’s also not clear to most men what defines abuse and when they are being subjected to it. They may just believe “that’s just part of marriage” when they are in fact subjected to emotionally abusive behaviors. In order to address the issue, husbands should know what to look for. Here are 10 indicators you may be the victim of an abusive marriage.
Ghosting is now going to be punishable. It is an unforgivable sin.
20:36
i had a best friend who i found was incredibly self absorbed and harmful. she constantly felt harmed by others around her when they would set boundaries or critique her behavior, or even not pay attention to her. she would certainly find this harmful to herself
in this case, would those people be abusing her? she genuinely felt harmed and threatened, even though most people would just say they were behaving normally/healthily in response to her. i find this question incredibly important
Is withholding sex abuse? My husband suddenly said no more physical contact at all (in 2010) and he has not touched me at all (literally) since then -on top of everything thing else being discussed
YES. YES. YES. Legally you can divorce him for that.
What's sad is a lot of women would say that withholding sexual and physical intimacy isn't abusive if it's directed at a man, or even try to diminish the importance of each within an intimate relationship. I've been told that sex isn't a need, while also saying that having it as my primary means of connecting within an intimate relationship is manipulative.
It's soul crushing being in a relationship without physical touch and pleasure.
Yes it is. I lived that way for 20 years.
@@latentprints360it’s abuse regardless of gender.
My narc always lies and tells me he never said or did that when i question him about something.
The only time substance use would be a mitigating consideration is if it was the first time they had it and had an unexpected reaction to it, or if they were drugged by someone else. Otherwise, if someone is abusive when they are under the influence, they need to take accountability for that and not let it happen. Substance use/abuse is not an excuse, even though it is absolutely a factor.
Also, I had a dream recently, about a match of phrases that I made between two of my most important relationships. Both of them told me the phrase: “You can’t blame, I have to do (this or that)” They don’t want the responsibility for your well being
“ give me an example” after yelling & berating 😢
They get so mad when the word abuse is used in relation to their behavior
Currently trying to leave this situation and everytime i leave he pulls me back in by making me feel bad for giving up..honestly its painfull to go through because you do feel shame for "giving up" but they are making you give up, its not like you even want to. You just know you cant keep on living like this so you need it to stop. They blame you for all the issues so you cant even talk through issues or resolve them. So freakin devastating to go through honestly.
You're aware you're in a abuse cycle. That's the first step. Leave, cut ties, heal and grow. You're on your way.
Me too. There are a lot of years of this and almost no actual happy memories. The only ones are from way back when we were very first dating. He already had trauma then. Then when we had broken up, there was another horrible life event for him. After that, I was the only one who was ever there for him…now who is there for me? Only the people who are physically the farthest away from me.
This was a great video! I appreciated the remarks about not alienating yourself from a victim. I learned this the hard way but thankfully my sister talks to me still, though he takes every opportunity to make me look like a bad amd drive a wedge between us, now I refuse to be around him at all because of the continued fighting he tries to conjure.
I was told that I didn’t love or at least I didn’t make them feel loved because I didn’t hear them. Say I love you. And that apparently I slam the door in their face when I didn’t, and apparently I was responsible for bringing up situation about an issue between their sibling and them that has nothing to do with me and. I mean I listened when they brought it up, but apparently it was my responsibility to bring it up. I was also apparently I am at fault for hurting them because I didn’t simply hear them. Say I love you. 🤷♀️. And apparently I’m a I am doing everything wrong 🤷♀️ and apparently I do things on purpose🤷♀️.
Yes. ..this.!! How manipulative it can get . Its so exhausting day in day out.
I feel like I need to comment.. please be careful with saying things like it's not a one-off. I understand what you're saying, but.... my abusive ex started out with one time, then it would be like gradual, once every 6 months, once every 3 months.. and I wish I had gotten out before it got worse. But part of what made me stay, along with other reasons, was that I told myself it didn't happen often enough for it to be a big deal. And because when he apologized it wouldn't happen again for 4-6 months, it would make me think he had changed and he meant it because it took so long for it to happen again, so by that time I had gotten comfortable again. It's the cycle.
I was abused and it wasn’t until recently that I take consciousness of what happened to me 😥
I have to debate the wording on definition, that abuse is "meant". It absolutely doesn't have to be conscious or intentional. Abuse is abuse regardless how normal it is for them.
Is there a video about how people respond to abuse ? I’m finding myself experiencing rage and I’m get exhausted
Need this too… it also makes me rage as well..
That rage is coming from your boundaries being pushed and not feeling able to voice and change that fact. It’s apart of being abused.
I responded with anger as well, after a while. Then she would say since I was angry, that means I'm guilty of whatever she was accusing me of (Usually cheating). No, I was angry for constantly being accused of things I never did. Or for being gaslit and told I said or did things I know I never did, and feeling powerless to exonerate myself because she would just say she didn't believe me.
I didn’t grow up in the states so my view of relationships is different. The person I’ve been seeing for a year has displayed absolute narcissism and emotional abuse but one of the things he likes to say is that if this is real- I must stay with him no matter what because this is how relationships are.
I tell him no. Absolutely not.
What’s happening here isn’t us fighting occasionally and repairing. I tell him he is absolutely emotionally abusive and that he must leave me alone. He won’t.
And you will never catch me saying something like ”fuck off”. As soon as he starts I dismiss myself from the situation.
this is what i used to do with my partner and she would label it as stonewalling later on... same situation on her end where she would say i need to love her in all ways otherwise i only conditionally loved her. years later i have lost the control of walking away from an abusive situation and i lash out verbally. occasionally i will respond appropriately like i'm not ok with the criticisms, they feel unwarranted and personal. more often though i am not able to hold space for the micromanaging and belittling that occurs in most interactions with her. the sad thing here is that neither me or her want to end the relationship and keep falling into this abusive pattern. i've lost so much time in my relationship with my partner of 10 years. so tired of it all and hopeless for anything different.
Deep down, I think you know what you have to do. The fairytale that you both created together at the beginning of the relationship, isn’t real. No more giving the benefit of the doubt or hopes that it might work out. If he is capable of self reflection and making positive changes, then yes, but that’s not usually the case. Do what is best for you, not what’s best for him
When you go back to that person, are things significantly better?
Great, great video! Thank you both!❤
Thank you for this validating information.
Reactive abuse is what happens (from me to him) when I go through all this emotional abuse. My partner is in prison and I feel like I'm in prison with him. He wants my hair,
weight, clothing, makeup, friendships a certain way. I have to answer the phone when he calls. When I don't - why didn't you answer the phone? Gets angry because I don't come visit him every month (2.5 hours away) gets mad that I want to go to concerts, the gym, or other events because that's where guys pick up girls. Always being asked if I'm being faithful. Insists I'm going to take a lie detectors test when he gets out. All I hear is how I don't prioritize him. Make him number 1. But I'm the crazy one. I'm all fucked up in my mind right now. I try to leave and I get sucked back in by guilt trips. He is up for parole in 1.5 years. I can't fathom living with him.
@deedlebug6548
What you have described sounds just like a relationship I escaped about 9 months ago.
I kept on excusing his behavior for a variety of reasons. I excused him because he has a diagnoses of autism, I excused him because he had prior bad relationships, I excused him because of his overcontrolling mother, I excused him because he told me his online job was stressful, I excused him because he said the fact that I'm financially poor and can't afford to hire workmen to finish building projects quickly like he can makes me irresponsible and that stresses him, I excused him because he told me that he can't handle stress when he is constipated,drinking coffee, and or forgot to take his vitamin supplements as these things lower his emotional resistance. The list of excuses goes on and on.
He would become enraged if I talked to my mom or my friends without his permission. He was mad if I said thank you to a male cashier or if a male came up to us in a restaurant and asked where the bathrooms could be found. If these things happened I was accused of flirting or cheating. I had to answer the phone immediately whenever he called and he would go into a rage if I wasn't in my bedroom when he would call. I wasn't allowed to do any fun activities by myself as he considered that cheating on him. So I couldn't leave the house without his permission. He was mad that I'm working to get my degree through online education as it takes too much time away from him. He was mad that I refused to sell my house that I own and love because it's not in a posh neighborhood like his and it requires that I maintain it with basic maintenance.
I kept on staying because there were occasional good times and I figured if I just worked harder on the relationship I could make him act nice all the time. I stayed because I figured his intentions were good even if he was hurting me and so I figured all of his bad behavior towards me was just a big mistake on his part. I figured if he got therapy we could just work it out. I thought that if he wasn't calling me names or getting physically violent with me then it wasn't abuse when he would scream with his face close to mine and wave his fists dangerously close to me through the air. I thought his breaking stuff with his fists when enraged was okay because that's not the same as hitting me. I tried harder to make things work and did all of his chores and mine to make life less stressful for him. The more chores I did for him the more he found to go into rages about.
In the end he took out his heavy orthodic shoe and hit me on my bare leg. The top of my leg was black from the bruise for two months. By the time he hit me I had a hard time recognizing that it was abuse because I was so used to excusing him due to my belief that his behavior is all an accident and his intentions are all good. I left him more because I felt unsafe rather than because I recognized him hitting me was abuse. This is brainwashing at it's finest!
If you are with a man who treats you this way I beg you to recognize it is abuse and you must think of yourself because it will only get worse and you will get more confused and helpless as time goes on.
The most important thing to remember is if you leave you must convince them to be the final one to break off the relationship or they will see you as their runaway slave they have to catch. I strongly recommend that victims pretend they have obcessive compulsive disorder due to the onset of anxiety and talk in incessant mindless circles that go nowhere for hours on end about subjects that drive the abuser crazy. Try of course to do this by phone from a safe place away from the abuser. I did this and convinced him we were no longer compatible and it worked. I got a breakup text from him and haven't heard a peep from him since then. If they don't like you picking your nose then start doing it all the time. Long unending text messages and voicemail messages are a blessing in these situations that can really fool your abuser into thinking you're unhinged and not worth their time and effort.
Hugs to all survivors of narcissistic abuse.
Get out of that relationshit, seriously he will not change when he gets out of prison. He will control you even more once he’s home. He sounds like a Narcissistic personality disordered person. He will ruin your life. Look at how he is behaving now and he’s in prison, he clearly is not doing anything to better himself. Get out, he will not change, he will only get worse. He will destroy you. Look at his behavior, his patterns, how he treats you, how YOU FEEL. Don’t ignore the red flags. Look up Dr. Ramini on RUclips she is a great resource for personality disordered insight. 🙏🏽
just go no contact babe and change your number and move away. he's literally in prison.
@@MiauxCatterieyes, it’s their chance!
Change your number, move away before he is released, stay away from any mutual friends or his family, find a support group of people you trust or who have been through similar, save money to build an emergency fund, don’t choose to stay, choose YOU! All the best xo
Yes!!!!, not about it beng a good OR bad person!!& ITS ABOUT IT NEEDING to stop !!!👆👆👆
Yes!!!, it can become a symptom if he/ she feels they have to defend the persons actions. !
THank you ladies. This was so insightful.
My 'husband' says he always uses 'reasoned and rational' argument to explain everything he has done since we met...because of the advanced training he had with a psychologist in his career. He tries to wear me down verbally until he gets what he wants.
When I don't behave the way my ex wanted, he would do stuff like tell me to go home, looked at me with disgust and throw all the food I made for him into the garbage. And on top of that, he said it's all my fault. I hope he would not hurt the next victim.
He will. Like a vampire, he hunts for prey.
I have been told I’m dumb and not intelligent, that I can’t string a sentence together- however he would get angry, not actually listen to my words, trip me up with words like a riddle to win his point.. I just felt intimidated and humiliated so did start to stumble my words bc of the confusion
I feel like the relationship I just came out of was emotionally abusive. What strikes me is that he read a lot about relationships and psychology and I feel like he twisted some of these concepts. For example, he would tell me that he felt unsafe in the relationship. He would say he felt unsafe because he would imagine that I was cheating when I was just out visiting with a girlfriend or because I set boundaries and spent an evening by myself. So, my back goes up a but when you say if your partner says they feel unsafe, that you should be looking at your behavior. Things like that can be used to control too. It is very insidious and hard to pick apart sometimes. Overall this podcast was super helpful and really informative.
Very helpful. Thank you!
If their emeshed with a family member and spend equal or more time with them then you, is it abusive to point that out and ask for more time? He calls me co-dependent, and it's a me problem, but I'm tired of feeling single and left alone on holidays.
Who is abusive? The person expressing how they feel when certain things happen, or the person labeling the other person and not listening to their sincere feelings?
Yes, you may need to learn more effective strategies to optimally express your feelings, but his dismissing and invalidating of your feelings and refusing to talk about it with you is definitely abusive and disrespectful.
27:19 (sorry for spamming but this is like you are talking to me)
Also, all kinds of nonsense was said over calls and even texts (when I didn't pick because I knew what would happen) when under the influence, and then the next morning everything would be deleted and I would be told "I was Outta my mind. U don't worry. I was drunk" and then told not to overthink and forget it because they were under the influence :)
21:44 not to nitpick but intent does in fact matter in a court or police case (whether it be a criminal or civil case) in terms of the charges that are applied as well as the punishment that is deemed fit 😕 I really only bring this up because I feel like it is an extension of the metaphor; it may not be their fault/intention to inflict pain but it happened and its their responsibility to make sure they aren't repeating the same actions that inflicted that pain. That is when it becomes an unsustainable pattern.
What I'd they constantly said you're over reacting because you have pmdd. Am I really over reacting? How would I know?
It depends. Some people can use your struggles against you. Weaponoze your pmdd, and blame everything on it. I think pmdd can bring out what’s going on, but on steroids. My thinking is distorted, but there is some truth. I seek out close family or a friend to check in with whom I trust their judgment since I’m struggling at that time. Journaling before and after my period is really helpful. Also, pmdd doesn’t affect us the entire month.
using the way everyone else treated them as a reason for their reactions, lack of empathy etc
Ok Ive never met a man or women that didnt have some kind of qualities rhat are being called out....so with that said.....If there is isolation or if there is purposeful gaslighting uaed to make you question your sanity you.should get to safety. Ive never seen a couple that has these perfect magical fights people make.mistakes sometimes.but I think in the end if you are both willing to work on it its a lot more then half the relationships our there!