The anxiety that someone gets from a relationship like this is ridiculous. In a way you end up losing your true self and start questioning your entire life
Hi Reggie! There’s so much material out there to digest. Maybe try and take a little in every day, and think about it...? Therapy can prove helpful, as the therapist is nonjudgemental about your loved one; their job is to help you be in touch with your self (noticing, being curious about what your thoughts, body & feelings are telling you about what you really need). Once you feel you have a handle EMOTIONALLY (on what you need as a human being), & PSYCHOLOGICALLY (understanding the basic terms of the abuse you feel is happening), it’s time to set up boundaries. A BOUNDARY isn’t a list of rules the other person plays by; it’s the decisions you make and actions you take that s-t-o-p the abuse in the moment. You love her, so half the battle’s won. 🙂 Now maybe she needs to love herself. Only she can choose to do that. But you can help her, by *telling* her what it is she’s doing to you. And that you are not going to accept abusive behavior. Remember, you can’t change her, and you can’t make her stop what she’s doing. She is the only one who can take responsibility for her emotions. There is no easy path full of wildflowers that I can promise you, but if she loves you back, she’ll eventually try. Please don’t give up on your relationship! Overcoming issues can be a huge triumph in marriage!🌿 If you aren’t married, maybe think hard before taking that step? Consider your own self-worth in relation to what she sets you up as being. It’s when people are vulnerable, and bring their authentic self to a relationship, that true communication allows love to grow.
@@jessicalatorraca8507 Hey hello Ms. Jessica "THANK YOU, THANK YOU so, so, so much for those wonderful beautiful words, and yes I understand that I've givin myself over for a time to fasting away from things that I feel are distractions deep inside and to prayer and meditation man do I LOVE Alleisha but you are right I don't wanna control her but I do want her to treat me better, and for her to know that even tho we planned on having a future together that all this relationship off and on stuff is too waaayyy to hurtful,confusing and not sane or right for both of us and the individual kids involved her 5yr old austic son who I also love dearly and call him my own baby, and my 15yr old son who loves her as a mother, so I just want her to be mindful of all that, and for her to realize that she is very much loved, she told me last sunday night that "She doesn't even know her and that's something she wants to do, cause she can't make up her mind often from time to time cause she doesn't want to continue to be toxic or pass it on to me cause she doesn't know how she may treat me cause she doesn't even know how to treat herself" so I've been praying for her I wish she could understand the very real importance of us helping each other want better, but that's not what she sees, so all I can do is pray for her, and myself and seek to do what I know is right, yup so do you have a Twitter account page I can follow and reach out to you on?
@@jessicalatorraca8507 And Ms. Jessica one more thing when I was tryina talk to her on that Sunday, she kept being defensive in a sarcastic attitude type of way at times, and I found that to be mean, and rude, And I can't understand why, when there was really no real reason too
Lisa, it's NOT you. It's THEM. Don't be hard on yourself, but DO think about how you can assert your boundaries. BELIEVE in the warning signs - those little red flags that make you feel uncomfortable - and be alert to their patterns of behaviour, rather than their pat apologies. Personality-disordered people seek out kind-hearted souls because they know that many other people would just tell them to get lost if they started acting out with them. Don't become bitter and cynical but take your time in finding out about someone's personality and if they are prepared to treat you in the way you want and deserve. There's no rush, and the other good souls will be more than happy to go at a pace you are comfortable with; bonding too quickly is nearly always a recipe for disaster.
Emotional abuse is such a serious problem. It is life threatening . You can often observe the symptomps of it in the people who are the victims. They are often sensitive, empathic individuals maybe with some history of childhood abuse who have unhealed trauma, CPTSD or similar problems and they fall prey to manipulative, controlling predatory individuals who drain the life out of them. Sometimes you watch people fading away because of the emotional abuse they are subjected to. Julia, your videos are saving people’s lives. Keep making them, please.
Wow you just explained me; I'm that victim who is sensitive, empathic, finally trying to process all of my cptsd unhealed trauma, and so on. I'm always trying to educate my unawared abuser to see that what they're doing is emotiinally abusive, but they're in complete denial that they were ever "abused" by their "loving" parents. Here I am trying to cut the generational trauma, educate, and yet, I get blamed for "making" others feel anxious or pushed away. It's definitely a crazy-making cycle. It's my parents and I love them, and I don't believe they're bad people, they just have absolutely no idea that they're like this. Yet, they want to do family therapy, and yet again, I'm the only one in therapy actively working on myself.
“Stop being a victim” “Stop being so emotional” “You’re not the victim here” “I should be crying, not you” Yelling constantly, telling you you’re failing “You make me feel like a failure” “I want a normal family but you’ve messed it up”
And sometimes people just too sensitive and act like they're always a victim, so. It's tough to say. Just because someone feels a certain way, doesn't mean the feeling is rational or based on what the average person might consider a reasonable reaction. It's important to respect others feelings, and also important to make sure you are rational and objective in your feelings. It's not abuse to simply have a different standard of what is reasonable.
It's difficult to set boundaries around someone who has no idea of the abuse they're inflicting. They are always right, your feelings don't matter and they will never say sorry or back down from an argument. Best to walk away.
Holy crap, you just read the whole story of my 40-year marriage! We are now divorced, bankrupt and had our house foreclosed. Although I am seeing a therapist, there is only so much she can do to help me try to overcome this utter brokenness. Narcissists love to find empaths, then they destroy them.
Try to look at it like a blessing, you are rid of the abuser and now can start your life anew. Do NOT allow anyone into your life like this in future. Give yourself time to heal and regain your strength, then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and seek only positive people that respect and care about you mutually. ❤
I am in q 40yr relationship and from about 6 months into it he changed started saying I was cheating with our freinds,Calling my dead family for everything saying he took me out the Gutter ..utter rubbish..I perform plays for local carers centre and he slags me and the group constantly..Even in company or on holiday abroad he can not hold his Temper . He's a drinker too I don't drink and if i mention about him cutting down etc he gets Very abusive..He's ill now 65yr old and is playing the poor me card to get me to stay.. What should I do???would it be selfish to leave.?? Margaret
@@pentland5look for support to leave. It will get worse before it gets better. It is worth it if you can. You have to be willing to leave your life. They will use friends and family to abuse and side with him. It’s your life. Take it back ❤
@@pentland5Lying about you, insulting you, making you feel like you're selfish if you leave. None of that is okay, if he loved you, then your feelings would matter to him, and he'd be willing to talk about his behaviour, and stop doing things that hurt you. The word love is not love, it's just a word. It's his behaviour that shows, how he really feels about you. And what you describe, is unacceptable and emotionally abusive behaviour. You're not selfish for leaving, your protecting yourself, and if he truly loved you, than he wouldn't have mistreated you all these years. It's better to feel lonely, than to stay in abusive relationships. Good luck.
Gaslighting and blameshifting. So hard to deal with because it’s subtle and you cannot explain to someone about how you come to feel abused- but you feel it. Such a hard place to be
@@mantrackingskills it’s still painful even if you quit. You even get abused more during separation…But i want to encourage you that it does get better and you will heal. You will get your life back. Sending light and healing
1. Pushes your boundaries 2. Humiliation 3. Silent treatment 4. Passive /Aggressive 5. Inconsistent 6. Blaming 7. Criticism 8. Control your decisions 9. Manipulation I see all these in my ex partner now and whenever I would bring up anything that he did or any of these items he would tell me to CHILL ! The last straw for me was going out one night and he saw me talking to other people and he went ballistic and yelled at me and threatened me physically and then didn’t take any responsibility for it and went silent ! Thank you for your video
I get physically affected. There’s a definite cycle to it and when it gets bad I develop debilitating headaches, stomach queasiness, sore muscles and joints, inability to catch breath, wandering thoughts and lack of focus and clarity. All accompanied with this urge to vomit.
This resonates with me. I work from home and my ‘partner’ is retired. I can’t concentrate on my work and keep falling behind every time there is an ‘episode’.
Get away from it. Before you get a chronic disease. I developed MS at 32 & I’m utterly convinced it was bc of extreme cortisol in utter fear of my authoritarian mother from birth to adolescence.
I have the same symptoms. I always thought its me and then the Panic attacks started, where I literally thought that I am dying and now I am listening to my body veryyyyy clearly
I frequently saw him act exactly like a toddler bouncing from one task to another boasting about his achievements. None of which were helpful or necessary and usually made a mess. I digress.
Yes, I felt bad for his childhood and wanted to show him a different way.. All it did was make him see things in a negative way because its what he wasn't used of.
I was abused, won't say how, but I can tell you that this is true. You don't know untill you're older and it just makes you feel worthless. Please, PLEASE get help before you're 38 years old and are too scared to even go out in public like I am.Not sure if I'm dealing with a narcissist or an abusive person. But it feels the same to me. Both are Bad!
manipulators are stupid do anythings to go out of their script and u ll see them react and go crazy but be careful of ur safety ... for narc they are constantly living in fantasy word yhere their meal should be looking a certain way ,they should be treated a certain way , isolate u , and when the mask cracs u ll see some kind of crazy menatl behavor or way of talking like " oh my dna is better then anyone alse " I stopped smoking in a nap of finger " whilw they still smoking in front of u like if they are not aware of it
Reach out to someone in your family or someone who knows you and cares enough to help you get out of the situation. I can tell you by experience that when you're around an emotionally abusive person, it affects your self-worth in a way that makes you withdraw, isolate, and socialize less. The negative feelings you have around an emotionally abusive person will slowly evaporate if you could be around at least one person who loves, cherishes, and cares for you and your wellbeing. Reach out to someone who cares about you and isn't charmed by your abuser to the point they would believe the person over you. A caring person will help you break free. You're worth that.
I feel you on this more than I want to say here. I’m so sorry you had to go through this too! All of us!! It’s sad!! I’m the same way I don’t like to go out either it frightens me.
Pushes boundaries. Doesn’t accept no. Belittling. Silent treatment. Passive aggressive comments . Put downs. Double standards. Blames you for everything. Lying. Cheating. Never happy for you. Controlling. Puts down your choices. Guilt tripping. Perfectly describes the narcissist I just escaped from...
Never happy for you…. That one hits home…. I had a job opportunity for a dream job, I was asked to adjust my portfolio and re-apply in a few months… she took this as an opportunity to throw loads of comments of ‘your not good enough’! She was actually joyfully putting me down and battering me… “ with not good enough “ - it was the joy in her Tone that she couldn’t hold back when spitting out the comments is what killed me. What was actually said was we are interested but can you provide samples of work in our style! She broke me that day and the venom she used has poisoned me to the point I doubt I can recover…
Absolutely agree.We were married in 1971 and we were happy until for the first few years but this seemed to deteriorate about 30 years ago. It has now reached the point where I have to work out carefully what I am going to say before I dare open my mouth. How did we get to this.? It is torture and I wish I could find a way to make it stop. K
@@kathridgard8509 have some comfort in your not entirely alone, I remind myself I can be happy to be happy I am good with myself and I don’t need validation from my partner.
This makes me so sad. I'm realizing now that I've probably been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 9 years, and it's a hard pill to swallow when I have loved this person, been married to this person, been committed to somebody that could do these things, intentionally or unintentionally. I have felt this way for such a long time, that I thought I was going crazy. But maybe now I see, it's not me. Thank you for your wisdom.
I understand. My mom was terminally ill and my sister, an ER nurse, tried to tell me I was in an emotionally abusive 18 yr long marriage. It took me 10 years to accept she was correct and leave. It has been 3 years now and I had to contact him over terms of the divorce. His business failed and he got a job as an engineer again making six figures. I found out about Thanksgiving but he had not increased the alimony as he was supposed to do. Major fight started when he tried to gaslight me. Now I am all messed up again. I reached out to my lawyer because I need him between us.
It hurts my heart to the core to hear that those who are abusers were usually abused themselves. I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused and I would NEVER hurt another child in any way. I was further traumatized as a child when adults tried to sweep the abusers behaviors under the carpet by saying they were abused themselves and couldn't control it. I was told as a young child to forgive/understand my molester because he was molested by his father. And that was it. I was never gotten any counseling or put in a home where I felt safe or loved. I was soooooooooooo afraid that I was going to become an abuser because my abusers always told me they couldn't help it because they were abused too that I chose not to get married or have children. However, I am a social worker and I do everything I can to protect children. I'm almost 50 and finally getting the therapy I should have gotten as a child or in my 20's.
This applies to friendships too. I only just realised recently that a close 10 year friendship was emotionally abusive. I feel amazing since it has ended!!
My father was emotionally abusive to me. When he passed on, my mother asked me if I missed him. When I took time answering, she said "What's to miss?" She knew how he treated her, me, and others.
That's incredibly sad. His "legacy" is a family that hates him because he used you guys as a scratching post to wear down his claws down at the end of the day. The interesting thing to me, the reason I'm watching these videos, is that there are so many men and women like this that go through life hurting people on purpose. Why do they do these things? Why do they treat those closest to them as if they're enemies? Why?
@@HavanaSyndrome69 Mostly a lack of empathy mixed with entitlement. If you think you have the right to something, you take it. If you dont understand or value the feelings of others, then there is no issue. In the case of narcissists, the goal is to feel good yourself. They have a constant need to bolster their ego and use everyone they can to lift them up, because they have been hurt, but wont address and heal it. Instead of fixing their biggest issue / past insult, they are addicted to everything that makes them feel good. It is like having a broken leg, ignoring it and trying to laugh it off by offending others.
SUCH a mindfuck, and totally heartbreaking. Was able to be fairly tolerant of it, up until recently. DONE with all of it. ZERO tolerance policy at this point.
Excellent video. What makes it even harder is that the more you stand up for yourself, the more threatened they feel and the more they turn up the heat. Equal isn’t equal to them until they’re on top. So, unless you figure out their crazy-ass games and disengage, the drama will escalate until you’re finally left broken, alone, and in an emotional heap. (They turn others against you.) Still, if that’s what it takes to finally be out of their world, so be it. You’ll be free. It’ll take time to heal, but you’ll be so much stronger - and hopefully wiser.
I wonder if an emotional abuser can change? This case is even more complicate because he suffers of strong depression. The ironic is that toward society he is an ethical man but in his love relation he is so difficult and complex. What do you think this person can change?
These patterns of behaviour don’t change as they are solipsistically speaking very successful They start at a young age, or later in response to trauma, intuitively organically usually in response to neglect and abuse early on in an invalidating environment. It is automatic, inherent and largely a reflex more than a choice. They are innately non relational in many ways as this also represent fundamental developmental failures. Unfortunately, while it is sad and often tragic for anyone involved, including the person themselves, it’s not possible to for them to change. Any optimism regarding this is seriously misplaced. Emotions have an anatomy of their own and as much as we cannot regrow or reanimate a paralysed limb the architecture for pro social and vulnerable mutual relating is simply not there. They will necessarily fuse with others and seek to dominate to compensate their inadequacy and frailty. They will utilise you like the third leg on a stool and ultimately abuse in reaction to their own inadequacy and dependence.
I needed this tonight! My whole story right now! No matter how much I love this person they will never see it! I have been pushed to my limit and now I’m saying things out of anger bc its to much to deal with.
There is one you missed. Crazy making. Purposely being difficult or starting fights, in order to irate an emotional response out of you. This is usually done in a covert way. For instance if you’re trying to decide dinner and they are purposely being difficult in picking a place, and when you are finally fed up and frustrated, and verbally express that, you see their face light up in happiness. This is emotional abuse. They’re gaining happiness from the emotional turmoil that they infact orchestrated.
The hardest thing I've ever had to do was not just recognize, stand up to & end abusive relationships in my life (which is most all of them)....Ive grown to realize it's actually using the pain, harm & consequences I've experienced for something positive & good for all humankind, not just saving my own self...using your voice, story & harm to help others also standing in your shoes.
My mom was really emotionally abusive. She really messed me up growing up. I think that is why I ended up with an emotionally abusive boyfriend. Thank god I finally got away from him.
@@lechantique I feel punished, but for what I don't know. Yes, suddenly the one I turned to for help and love, did not want me, and was hateful and took his love away, a divorce threat that never happened, though keeps on being threatened, as he knows I don't want the family broken. Yes silent treatment the minute I speak up. Lots of gaslighting, snarks, sarcasm, a totally different man than the one I knew (and it's "my fault" for not just "shutting up and forgetting everything". ) Won't even own up that he caused my anxiety and ptsd, like my doctor has said, but refers to me as "fucked up", and "if i want my needs/wants met....better find another man. " There you go. 100% no one I ever knew. Yes, and twisting and turning the story/words around, like I should not feel the way I do. "Im sorry you feel that way, but I don't know why you do". I'm overwhelmed.
Get therapy please, bc the broken parts of you will find men just like him over& over as it's familiar& they feel like home... Please save yourself now honey
He never gave me a straight answer about anything important like that. He was good about changing the subject. It was the same type of response I’d get when I would tell him I’m depressed because I feel like a prisoner with him.
It's a tricky one that one. My mother always taught me that when tact & diplomacy fail, the only time that it's ever acceptable to lie is when the truth will hurt the other persons feelings.
married 29 years, 9 out of 10. I have know for a long time, but it is so hard to break away from. The psychological damage is so hard to deal with and re-train your brain to stand up for yourself.
This video is a perfect description of my childhood and early adulthood. It basically describes my mother completely. Since she was my sole caretaker and I was an only child I got the full force of it. It has taken me till my thirties to even realize how bad things were and how much it has affected me. We rarely communicate now but the effects are still there and they are a constant struggle.
Oh wow. Thank you for clearly explaining what emotional abuse is. After 30+ years of abuse and gaslighting its hard to even know the truth anymore, but I trust God can and will heal me with my own effort of course. Thanks again.
It’s one thing to accept you’re in an abusive relationship and leave, but a completely other thing to accept that you allowed that treatment for so long. It’s a long road to recover from these relationships!
This is part of healing. You have to be able to be honest with yourself. No one can make you turn away from family and friends, it was a choice you made. These are the people you grew up with, the ones who love you, the ones who warned you to dump him. Your abuser mistreated you, you didn't like how it felt but you stayed and made excuses. A man will treat you how you allow him. If you can't take accountability for your part in that difficult situation you will not fully heal. She's right.
Yes, I like this quote....."Hurt people, hurt people." I'm still struggling with the after effects of emotional abuse, and it's been many years since I got out. It took a long time to realize the emotional abuse, until my child was suicidal. But we are happy and free now, and healing does happen, with consistent effort and counseling. And now we can find excellent help on RUclips! Thank you for your excellent video's!! You make a difference!
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for three years and videos like this one have helped me so much with identifying what I went through. I'm so grateful to be free again. Thank you for all that you do.
I love how your videos are gender neutral so anyone can relate to the material. Most abuse videos are focused on female victims and I've been fortunate enough to find a few male victim channels out there.. you're so easy to listen to and provide the perfect level of enthusiasm. Thank you so much for your work!
" I love how your videos are gender neutral so anyone can relate to the material."......................................"you're so easy to listen to and provide the perfect level of enthusiasm. Thank you so much for your work!" hear, hear! totally agree.
It’s also relationship neutral. Many videos on emotional abuse is given in the context of domestic violence but emotional abuse can happen in any relationship.
Okay, so all these hit home. It has taken me many years to realize everything was a lie. Manipulation, control and using the legal process to keep me “chasing my tail”, I’m thankful for FINALLY realizing this. After thirty five years of life experience, two beautiful children, I can say I have a VOICE! Now, I want to help others find themselves instead of giving so many years to the evil ways that man uses others. Thank you for your information.
This nailed it!!! I just discovered my 8 year "casual relationship" fits the description of what is called the covert narcissistic personality and as I started to do that research I see why I have been living like a walking zombie for the past years not knowing what is wrong with me and why I can't even achieve the most simplest of tasks. I knew there was something wrong inside of me that I could not understand and since I am a highly sensitive person it seemed as if my sensitivity had just gone haywire and Amplified go my focus has been on self-healing self-awareness and I appreciate videos like this because it really makes it clear where the abuse occurs even when you least expect it.
fluttergirl9 I am right there where you are. In a way, it's so scary to realize that I was being emotionally abused but in a more important way, now I can finally get far away from him and heal the wounds that made him attractive to me. I know when I repair the relationship with me and love myself, I won't even think twice about men like him. I pray for his soul too. He has no clue. He thinks he is just the sweetest most loving guy on the planet. He denies being abusive in any way, so I wish him well. I'm so glad to be aware and out of there! Stay strong girlfriend!
@@iamajoyous1 Glad you are aware of your value in all of this. You are right about giving up the attraction when you strengthen self love. Its not as easy as it seems I know, but it's worth the struggle. If we can survive loving these "types" we can do anything!! 💪 😉💛😄 Stay strong! Sending you love ~Rachel
Had to comment halfway through the vid, literally spot on with everything… The fact that I was blind to all this is mind blowing. Like I knew but what happens is they’re in control of how you feel. What really got me is she was controlled by her father and verbally abused. Now it all makes sense and things are aligning.
I have been emotionally abused by my brother. When I was growing up he used to tell me what to watch on tv or not to watch or criticized the type of music I enjoyed listening to. Now I cut him out of my life because he has been manipulative towards me. It hurt my self esteem and made me smaller. Thanks for your video Julia.
Physical, Emotional, Mental Abuse, and Bigotry. Physical and emotional abusers have something in common: The abuser is trying to control someone else. When they can't get someone to do something, or when they realise that they don't have control, they react. If you are being abused, you should try to remove yourself from these situations. After all who, wants to be constantly yelled at by an angry person? People often can't control their feelings. They'll curse you and say hateful things. These people will take it out on you if they are having a bad day. A Bigot is a person who does not tolerate other peoples opinions. In my opinion: Try to be sensitive to other peoples feelings and not ONE WAY, but Don't be a victim of abuse. Remember the Golden Rule, Treat others the way you would like to be treated. You will feel better about yourself when you look in the mirror. Pray for them, and seek to find approval with God. "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." Then stay away instead of being a victim. Avoid people who are insensitive and that do not tolerate opinions and feelings of others.
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My entire marriage was riddled with emotional abuse. I was never good enough at anything. He tried to make me question my sanity, my intelligence, my emotions, etc. Shocked was the look on his face the day I stood up for myself and told him I refused to apologize any longer for situations I did not create and for those situations out of my control. Thank you for your thoughts and sharing your knowledge in this video.
38 years of marriage. When he passed , I had difficulty understanding the feeling of being relaxed, peaceful. Kept telling my BFF I feel weird. She said you are free of the abuse. I love the quiet now. My verbal skills have improved. My sleep is better. My migraines are fewer. No indigestion. Lost weight. It’s taken 4 yrs. Still not all the way there. What you’re describing is exactly what happened. I lived my Christian married vows. I do not “ever” want another relationship, definitely hate the thought of Marriage. Never ever again. I love my freedom. Marriage is slavery. I will never encourage anyone to get married. I love Jesus. He included women throughout HIS ministry. I do not believe today that he meant for us to be Slaves to men. I pray God will give me an additional 38 years of life or more as a reward for all that suffering. To be really alive and be myself again. The person HE created.
Amen But you do realize that the same enslavement you endured happens to millions of men in marriages as well, just more covert than overt. Men and women are better together than apart, but as a species we are fallen. Just look how well the animal kingdom does it
This was enlightening. I found myself wanting to go away from the truth of what you are saying. But I came back to hear the whole thing. Every single one of these are true within my 30 year marriage and to some extent with my adult son. I came close to leaving my marriage 15 years ago (where even the divorce attorney I was working with suggested that abuse wasn’t always referring to physical abuse). I chickened out when my husband screamed at me about how embarrassed he was when the papers were served to him in front of colleagues. That alone should have emphasized how much I needed to leave! Now I am 70 and I am insecure, not sure of myself at all. I used to be a strong woman. Hopefully this can give courage and resolve to younger women in a similar situation to just get out !!
My mom wasn't subtle about her actions at all. I grew up being screamed at and called worthless and a burden for so long... some of the points fit, but for me it was just... more than that. Using body language to seem intimidating and like I was going to be hit. How people viewed her was more important than taking care of her family. Putting money towards material unnecessary things was more important than feeding me and my little sister. I was terrified of touching anything at another person's house when visiting because if I did, when I got home I would get yelled at. Even after I became an adult, even being at another person's house would cause me extreme anxiety. I would startle awake every time someone opened my bedroom door (I still do) and have to control my breathing to calm down if it was just something innocent because she would practically break down my door every morning before school and on weekends before church. I had no privacy. I couldn't keep a journal, I didn't have a safe space. All attempts at privacy would be violated and then I would be confronted on my innermost thoughts and feelings later. It was so bad that even to this day, I can't have a journal or a diary due to the feelings associated with it. When I finally told my mom why I had so many problems with her and why I needed therapy and basically "confronted my abuse" about a month or so ago, she gas lighted me and said "There is no evidence in your medical records, I can pull them and show you. I can even get people who have known you your entire life to tell you what _actually_ happened. You were not abused at all. You're making things up. You've always had a very active imagination."
I just realized that this is me. My whole life this was how I was being treated by my own parents, especially my mom who admitted her own mom was mentally ill, and was mean to her, so I grew up thinking this was normal and acceptable behavior not knowing that I even did it my self to others, especially my boyfriend. In reality this is often a result of feeling disappointed, feeling hurt, not having the support or empathy and understanding from a loved one that you thought was a given, so you respond with threats and try to punish the other person because you want them to hurt as they hurt you. You want them to be really sad, and inflict emotional pain onto them for making you feel this way. I also realized I am not the only one. Many a person around me does this as well...often totally aware, but we do it anyway out of resentment and anger.
My mom did the same, her mother abused her emotionally. Deep down i know i am good human being when i left the home my mom miss me alot and my friend said she didn't miss you she miss abusing you. My life changed i become unbreakable nobody in this world can abused me emotionally or physically.
Gille87 Your learning..I'm proud of you.. God bless you dear..I have so much respect for you. A true Narcissist wouldn't tell this! You will be a great counselor! God bless keep teaching And exsposing.*
Ticked every single one of these. The first time I noticed something was seriously off was being publicly scolded, sworn at and humiliated. She would never apologise and excused her behaviour away by saying it’s because of “cognitive overload”, or “you just don’t understand me or my humour, grow up.” I then ended up apologising for having raised it and was met with days of silence. So many examples of this. I was then smeared to her friends and was told “none of my friends like you and think you’re an abuser.” Pure evil in my opinion.
You are describing my relationship! I am so sad that all of these thing have happened to me. I don't like to think of myself as a victim, but I know I have been duped for years.
Oh my god, I am only at #8 and I had to stop the video to comment!!! This video is making sense of the total INSANITY that I have been living for the last 3 years. I ended a relationship no less than 12 times with this guy and every time I ended it, he would find a way to contact me and the result would be these AMAZING conversations. Somehow, after each breakup, he would show up having all the empathy, understanding, clarity, communication skills, and gentleness that he lacked while we were together. It was so attractive that I would give in and the whole cycle would just begin again. I absolutely ALWAYS felt like I was losing my mind after talking with him. I was completely baffled after listening to what he would tell me and wonder how in the hell I had the "off" perceptions that I had. Now, thanks to this video, I do NOT feel crazy. I had an interaction with him over the weekend and even that one small interaction resulted in so much pain for me. I now realize how serious and dangerous this is to my health, mental and physical. I pray that I may never ever again act on the temptation to connect with him again. I could use some suggestions on how to keep oneself from contacting their abuser should they find themselves having a weak moment. I cannot thank you enough for posting this video.
@Joy Colson - you wrote my story, except I'm married. I've left him a number of times and he always treats me so beautifully when we don't live together. This last time I was in a rented house, paying more than double what he was paying. He was living in MY mortgaged property. I'd had to get a full-time job in order to leave him, (there were times during the marriage when I worked full-time and he worked part-time, and other times where we both worked full-time). Some months after returning this last time, I became very ill, needing hospitalisation. I'm well now, but only working minimally, and as I've got progressively better, his treatment of me has reverted right back. Please don't go stay in this relationship. Abusers never change, as they believe the problem isn't theirs. It will eat away at you and destroy you, as it has me. To avoid contacting him, please keep in mind how bad he makes you feel when together, and re-visit sites like these. My husband did it to his first wife too, but of course, 'the problem was hers'. We've been married nearly 30 years and his abuse towards me started on our wedding day. And of course, true to form, it's all my fault...
6 years later we’re still deeply benefiting from your beautiful well thought out videos! Thank you! Every single word of this was needed today! Love and blessings!♥️
Very informative and confirmative. Accurately described. Going through some of the things described in the video, but thankfully I have such a strong stance on my opinions and values that my would-be abusers ended up being powerless to try and shame, humiliate and guilt me to sway me from my opinions. It's videos like this that add on to my awareness, illumination, and self-improvement. Nothing but appreciation for this video and videos like this.
One of the best descriptions on emotional abuse on You Tube. I have watched them all. Fabulous job. Women abuse too, and I have endured it for decades.
Thank you so much for this. It's scary how many points you made that align with my past toxic friendship. The individual I was friends with used to flirt with me and push boundaries that made me feel that there was something romantic brewing under the surface. For a while, I went along with the advances thinking they were just being overly friendly and that it was their nature to be more affectionate. However, after a while I expressed how I was uncomfortable with their touchiness and how telling me 'I love you' was out of bounds and that it all needed to stop immediately. I'm very loyal to the ones I love and unfortunately I tolerated for too long what I now can see was an emotionally abusive relationship. After 1.5 years and with the support of my therapist and close friends, I made the jump and ended the 'friendship'. It is one of the best choices I've ever made in my life. Today, I struggle with some symptoms of anxiety but I'm working through that with the help of the Holy Spirit and a Christian counselor. There is hope out there for anyone who feels like they're suffocating and have lost themselves. Don't give up and seek help.
I've found this site and watched a few videos so far and every single one of them have been spot on about what my mother and sister have been doing to me from birth to today 46 yrs its been going on and its only recently i've learned about gaslighting and the mental and emotional abuse i have suffered from them. I just want to say thankyou for your videos i am learning a lot about what they are doing everything u have said is 100% accurate with what they are doing to me
Three times I totally fell in love with emotionally abusive men that raged at me. I am taking now responsibility of going to therapy because it's my pattern. I was yelled a lot as a child. It's a huge challenge, but I may have to start seeing my long term future as being happy alone and single. For me hurtful love is an addiction.
2 years ago, i saw this video. It started me on a journey that opened my eyes to the level of confusion and contempt i was receiving from my wife. The affair was the last straw. I ended up learning about covert narcissism and she checked all the boxes. Today this video showed up in my feed and reminded me how far ive come. Kicked her out 9/4/22, got divorced march of 2023, sold the house and moved to Maui. Life is good.
What makes videos like these very educational is that every single one of us, simply because we're human, has or does emotionally abuse somebody and most of the time not even realize it. It's not an excuse at all, but it's something that a lot of us should wake up to. Even beyond marriage and relationships, best friends, workplace relations, and family who can all be close and care deeply for each other, but might say things to each other more than you would to some joe blow on the street because in a way you feel like you can get away with it more because they know that you don't hate them and not trying to intentionally degrade them, but still, no matter what, we got to be as careful and aware as possible. Even when we have that one friend that we might overly make fun of, that could be a form of unaware emotional abuse. Even the littlest things can be emotionally abusive. Like I said, it's crazy that a lot of us are completely unaware that we are guilty of it to some degree.
Omgosh Julia! I'm sitting here with my other half & we have been watching your videos that started with me curious about "how to understand a loved one that struggles w/ depression" & 7ish videos later it has landed us here. so to my sickness i've dealt with, I just watched you speak it into an understanding in real time. like wow! How I can just already feel & start to even see the healing that its going to bring into my life, relationships & rest of my life. So thank you, we thank you for just being and doing what you do. ~Chris & Lisa.
I have dealt with this in the courtroom with my son . His dad has brainwashed him. It’s been awful, beyond awful. It’s been 10 years of “I’m crazy” but I know I am not. My son knows I am not. Thank you so much for sticking up for us! ❤
Meags Good for you! I’m a victim also and just now seeing this after 9 years of marriage! Can not wait to be completely free! Congratulations to you!!!
Excellent and on point. The emotionally abusive person is the one who will cry the loudest and longest after you leave them. They love playing that game and it really freaks them out when you put an end to their bullshit 'cause the last thing they wanna do is start all over with someone else. I learned the power of goodbye. Life is too short to spend it being dominated and controlled by an emotional abuser. Especially beware of the emotionally abusive person with a substance abuse issue; they have no self-control so all the more reason why they seek to control others. Don't stick around; they won't change.
I used to believe that my husband had been a good person when I married him but that I had ruined his character in some way by ‘spoiling’ him. I figured that anyone at all would treat me that way because of who I was. Now I realize that it is not me, but it is who they are.
youre saving my life, thank you. I recognize myself so much! I quit drugs and alcoohol, going on my 3rd year free from alcoohol and recently quit marihuana. I can see clearly now that that kind of rain is gone. Unhealthy relationships with both of my brothers who were severly beaten and abused by my father. Of corse, they took it out on me. In fact, the whole familly is disfonctional. Moms a gambler. So my dad died this year and I promised I would be a good sister to them. Turns out Im not holding my promise and because of youre videos, Im feeling less and less guilt. Its hard to make that decision, but I've overcome so much its not time to quit now. I dont have much friends, but my co-workers apreciate me because I really believe in the Golden Rules, I hate violence and powertrippers. Im a lover not a fighter. Anyways, I am going to watch all your videos because I relate so much in everything you say and I will use youre videos to help others....less energy draining(haha) I just wanted to say thank you because my trust has been broken so much even with previous therapist who thought they knew it all but never got to know my passionate soul. You have a way of explaining that really packs a punch. Your affirmations are clear and undeniable, adding your tone of voice at the right moment in the sentence...Like seriously ...your my favorite Counselling experience ive come across. Let me finish by telling you I feel like crying because I know I have a lot of healing to do but thanks to you I will know what to write in my journals now. I wont feel like Im a complete Loser! Thank you very much Madame Kristina, from the bottom of my heart!
I always find all of your content so helpful, Julia! Thanks so much! I was curious to hear what signs you were going to speak about and was actually quite shocked to realize that every one of them fit a relationship that I currently have. It can be so hard to say something - especially when you're made to feel like the crazy one. I am grateful for your knowledge!
I have been emotionally abused mostly by my dad, less from my mum, this has happened my entire life - I only realised this yesterday! So now I'm limiting the amount of time I speak to my abusive father. Thanks truly for sharing this Julia it feels great to be understood, even if it's just a little bit.
Oh my gosh Julia, my daughter (37 yr. old) has done this to me for years. It has been so terrible. Recently, family members have gone to her and talked with her about it (she doesn't know that I am aware of that) and she has really lightened up, I just find it hard to believe that is could possibly be long term. She has been emotionally cruel to me since she was a teenager. I love her so much and I deeply crave a "normal" relationship. Please tell me more about setting boundaries.
I am so moved by this video because everything you said, Julia hit home to what I went through for 18 years of Marriage. My X-husband used everyone of these techniques on me and I felt crazy, inadequate, small, untrusting of my self and others. I was so distraught I went to my local Domestic Violence place to ask if it was abuse. When they said yes, I was relieved that maybe there was a chance I wasn't crazy! He emotionally, and financially abused me for 15 years. After I helped his business endeavor and he financially bankrupted us, he retired early, and left me paying the mortgage and child care. Once I ask for a divorce, it got worst. He started to infuriate me on purpose, and undermine everything I asked the kids to do causing me to get angry. In turn he started telling the kids I'm crazy, said I wasn't paying the mortgage, he started giving them money or let them do things we agreed before we wouldn't allow. I was a wreck because it took 3 years to actually divorce. He took my 401K, (he spent his I got none), he took my pension (est $2k month), but his was $200 month. In 2008 I agreed he would take the house, but he couldn't buy it. Our home price dropped $100,000.00 during that month. My guess is he was waiting for my 401K as the downpayment to buy me out of my own house. Unfortunately today, my kids still believe his lies about me. In 2008 I changed my 20 year job, put the house up for sale after learning I had breast cancer and underwent radiation. I moved one week before Christmas, bought a new car, put up a christmas tree. Starting over I performed in a church Christmas show. Their father worked nights for 15 years and wasn't there emotionally, physically, or financially, but he told them I was the crazy one and too emotional. He was the Disney Dad only there for good times. My kids believe I'm the one causing the divorce and hold me accountable for it. I haven't told them how he forced and manipulated me into it, because they only have one father. I've made mistakes trying to explain to them and hoping for sympathy....not! I cannot say negative things about their father. Unfortunately, I will have to live with this. To me this silence only continues the abuse I endured, because I can never tell my kids the truth. I am a survivor and want desperately to share my story to prevent others from enduring this hell. Julie your insight in this video may help me to do this! I cannot thank you enough!
My heart is racing. Only 2 of these are not true and it's because I trust myself enough to not let him control my mind. But he does or at least tries to do all of this. I live with this person and I don't know how to leave. I wanna cry.
Thank you for this list. Emotional exploitation is rampant and requires strength knowledge wisdom and support, to avoid or reject. I’m still myself Working on identifying patterns of why we attract this type of control and how to prevent it rather than have to combat it.
This is wild because my parents checked off basically ALL the boxes. It's so hard to explain to others the abuse and the aftermath that's still affecting my life to this day. They think they're such awesome people because materially they did a lot for me - but emotionally they are so lost and refuse to get help or even acknowledge what they've done...I'm the only one in my family who became self aware enough to even attempt to heal...
It resonates so much with one of my situations! I have been going crazy about this person treating me exactly the same way..shutting down, pointing out my fault anytime I say that I didn't like what he did and never owning his mistakes. Right now also he has shut down and refuses to tell what is my mistake. Never fulfils any promises..disappears all of a sudden and I am just left hanging and wondering what's going on. Thank you so much for helping me out. I think this has helped me..:)
And remember, there's billions of people on this planet. Life's too short to be hanging onto people who aren't for you. Let them go to make room for people who are 💚
Legitimately I was in a relationship where I get emotionally abuse and my anxiety Increased and I feel like I lost my True self and I feel like I will never really find that true part of me again
My parents are both like this and I’m struggling a lot. I have mental health issues I’m working on as well as trying to finish school. My biggest struggle is that my parents are refusing to let me get a job even though I turn 18 in less than half a year. They say it’s their house and their rules. I’ve made it clear to them that I can rely on myself to get myself to and from work since they refused to take me, and that school would always come first. It’s really confusing because one day my mom will be talking about some place that’s hiring people and how cool it would be if I worked there, and the next day she’s saying she forbids me from doing it and that school is going to be too hard for me and that I don’t want to take public transportation because of the bad people. They constantly put me down and make me feel so bad about myself. I haven’t been suicidal in a year but my parents make me feel like I am. They’ve told my therapist that I’m cutting when I’m not and that I’m super disrespectful. And no one believes me. Or if they do, they don’t take me seriously enough. We even had a family therapist who told my parents that they can’t keep saying harmful things and once she left, my parents started all over again. I can’t tell if I can even consider what they do as abuse because maybe I’m just too sensitive? Idk sorry for the rant. I know I’m three months late with this comment.
I'm sorry I can't say I have the answer for you, but I don't think there is such a thing as being too sensitive, we all have the right to our feelings.
Dear Bella, I so understand your pain and confusion. I also suffered with narcissistic parents. They just want to keep you with them forever because of their own abandonment issues, and take away any sense of independence that you have. Don’t let them do it. Believe in yourself. You are a wonderful, caring sensitive soul and no one has the right to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself. It’s about boundaries and saying No without feeling guilty. I know because I still struggle with all these things. I send you love and compassion and know that you will get through this to live a happy, free and independent life on your terms. Much love to you. Xxxx
Get a job and move out I have always regretted not leaving when I was in highschool. You only need a studio apartment and now a days you can finish school on line sometimes it's just much better to get away from abusive people. You would have more peace of mind not dealing with abusive people. Maybe you can get a decent used car if you keep your living expenses down which is why I suggest a studio apt. Good luck with whatever you decide. I just wish I had left when I was younger, I would have been much happier, my parents were emotionally abusive and it really sucked!!!
Fudge Sickle just to let ya know, that post is from over a year ago. I left my state in the middle of the night and started my life over again in a new state. I got very fortunate that I had support in doing so or else I wouldn’t have made it. Just saying “get a job” doesn’t help at all btw. My old freaking post was about how my parents WOULDNT let me get one.
U had me at disregarding people…Sounds like there’s a fine line between being disrespected & emotionally abused? Great topic, incongruities give me a headache!
This is so on point! Very upsetting...my BF and I just broke up...he was doing .. every ...one...of these things!!! I am so heartbroken right now...but I will be okay...I know it. Thank you❤
When you are not willing to grow and heal for a relationship ♥️♥️ the relationship has no foundation !!!! When you have a beautiful person in your life and you take that person for granted!!!! You do not deserve to be blessed in your life with that person 💖💖💖
Such a good video.....I all of a sudden realized what passive aggression is.....and how my boundaries constantly are being crossed......Being ignored ......am Being degraded .....
My second ex-husband my ex boyfriend and my mother , emotionally abused me you described all three of them. It's taken me over 5 years to get through it . My second ex-husband did control me . You were right on with all three . I have been in therapy and medication for over 5 years . I also have panic attacks ADHD . I'm on medication for all of it and since July I have been on Adderall and Xanax generic forms. The Adderall helped me to start to know myself . I am actually thinking clearly now . I have learned to love myself and I am proud of myself. Thank you for this video
This was incredibly eye-opening for me. My girlfriend has been doing all of this exactly as it's described. Until I watch this I never realized how toxic our relationship had become.
So glad it was helpful Debbie - and I'm really sorry to hear you've had to be in relationship with people who treat you these ways - I can imagine how painful that's been for you. No one deserves that.
OMG, you are amazing. I can't thank you enough for this video. I just left a 4 year relationship and absolutely think I am crazy. This knot has always been there, but I didn't know why. I finally just left and am 🎉now trying to right myself and grow so this doesn't happen to me again. I am binge watching your videos, where have you been lol again, thank you. I AM NOT CRAZY!!! ❤
Omg my most recent relationship checks all the boxes 🤦🏼♀️ But the good thing is that I was able to see through this person and leave the situation victorious because I exposed them and their lies and manipulations. And the best thing from the perspective of my own self awareness is that I was able to turn the narrative of this experience into a positive one because it taught me the importance of self value, self respect and self love. Thanks for your content ❤ Blessings ❤️
Hi Julia! Thank you so much for this wonderful video, I found it really helpful. As a victim of past abuse over time it does trap you in many ways and leaves you in a state of confusion. I found this very helpful in explaining certain things in my own life.
Great video. Thanks for posting. I look back in hindsight, on emotionally abusive people that I have known, and my biggest regret is that I didn't (peacefully) cut them off and that we didn't shake hands and go our separate ways.
The anxiety that someone gets from a relationship like this is ridiculous. In a way you end up losing your true self and start questioning your entire life
I'm there now, right now, and I don't know what to do cause I LOVE HER
Definitely
Hi Reggie! There’s so much material out there to digest. Maybe try and take a little in every day, and think about it...? Therapy can prove helpful, as the therapist is nonjudgemental about your loved one; their job is to help you be in touch with your self (noticing, being curious about what your thoughts, body & feelings are telling you about what you really need). Once you feel you have a handle EMOTIONALLY (on what you need as a human being), & PSYCHOLOGICALLY (understanding the basic terms of the abuse you feel is happening), it’s time to set up boundaries. A BOUNDARY isn’t a list of rules the other person plays by; it’s the decisions you make and actions you take that s-t-o-p the abuse in the moment. You love her, so half the battle’s won. 🙂 Now maybe she needs to love herself. Only she can choose to do that. But you can help her, by *telling* her what it is she’s doing to you. And that you are not going to accept abusive behavior. Remember, you can’t change her, and you can’t make her stop what she’s doing. She is the only one who can take responsibility for her emotions. There is no easy path full of wildflowers that I can promise you, but if she loves you back, she’ll eventually try. Please don’t give up on your relationship! Overcoming issues can be a huge triumph in marriage!🌿 If you aren’t married, maybe think hard before taking that step? Consider your own self-worth in relation to what she sets you up as being. It’s when people are vulnerable, and bring their authentic self to a relationship, that true communication allows love to grow.
@@jessicalatorraca8507 Hey hello Ms. Jessica "THANK YOU, THANK YOU so, so, so much for those wonderful beautiful words, and yes I understand that I've givin myself over for a time to fasting away from things that I feel are distractions deep inside and to prayer and meditation man do I LOVE Alleisha but you are right I don't wanna control her but I do want her to treat me better, and for her to know that even tho we planned on having a future together that all this relationship off and on stuff is too waaayyy to hurtful,confusing and not sane or right for both of us and the individual kids involved her 5yr old austic son who I also love dearly and call him my own baby, and my 15yr old son who loves her as a mother, so I just want her to be mindful of all that, and for her to realize that she is very much loved, she told me last sunday night that "She doesn't even know her and that's something she wants to do, cause she can't make up her mind often from time to time cause she doesn't want to continue to be toxic or pass it on to me cause she doesn't know how she may treat me cause she doesn't even know how to treat herself" so I've been praying for her I wish she could understand the very real importance of us helping each other want better, but that's not what she sees, so all I can do is pray for her, and myself and seek to do what I know is right, yup so do you have a Twitter account page I can follow and reach out to you on?
@@jessicalatorraca8507 And Ms. Jessica one more thing when I was tryina talk to her on that Sunday, she kept being defensive in a sarcastic attitude type of way at times, and I found that to be mean, and rude, And I can't understand why, when there was really no real reason too
Over the years, I have learned that abusers only recognize their own boundaries. To them, everybody else's boundaries don't matter.
So true
Of course. 100 % true
Facts
Thanks, never thought of it like that
Truth
In so messed up in the head that I have watched almost every video on emotional abuse just to be sure
Me too cant stop watching them im stuck for life
i know right?? maybe if i watch enough videos i will finally believe its not me its them
Lisa, it's NOT you. It's THEM. Don't be hard on yourself, but DO think about how you can assert your boundaries. BELIEVE in the warning signs - those little red flags that make you feel uncomfortable - and be alert to their patterns of behaviour, rather than their pat apologies.
Personality-disordered people seek out kind-hearted souls because they know that many other people would just tell them to get lost if they started acting out with them.
Don't become bitter and cynical but take your time in finding out about someone's personality and if they are prepared to treat you in the way you want and deserve. There's no rush, and the other good souls will be more than happy to go at a pace you are comfortable with; bonding too quickly is nearly always a recipe for disaster.
I was emotionally abused as,a child and can relate to what is being said here. I'm working on healing and learning to love myself.
Lisa Porter is extremely destructive
Abusers also have a certain amnesia when you try to call them on their abuse: ..."When did I ever do THAT???? Name ONE time!"
So very true...💜 My mother and husband to a 'T'...💜
Me ex said the same damn thing
Or how about don’t bring that up! Why would you bring that up!? When I wanted to discuss a conflict we’d had recently. It’s a temper tantrum!
And when you tell them, they deny it. They will say 'That didn't happen. And if it did, you deserved it. ' Garbage responses.
@@hallelujah8141 same here. I want to divorce both of them.
Emotional abuse is such a serious problem. It is life threatening . You can often observe the symptomps of it in the people who are the victims. They are often sensitive, empathic individuals maybe with some history of childhood abuse who have unhealed trauma, CPTSD or similar problems and they fall prey to manipulative, controlling predatory individuals who drain the life out of them. Sometimes you watch people fading away because of the emotional abuse they are subjected to. Julia, your videos are saving people’s lives. Keep making them, please.
could't say it better
😅😂😂😂
Well said!
Can those who have suffered the abuse then turn into an abuser themselves?
Wow you just explained me; I'm that victim who is sensitive, empathic, finally trying to process all of my cptsd unhealed trauma, and so on. I'm always trying to educate my unawared abuser to see that what they're doing is emotiinally abusive, but they're in complete denial that they were ever "abused" by their "loving" parents. Here I am trying to cut the generational trauma, educate, and yet, I get blamed for "making" others feel anxious or pushed away. It's definitely a crazy-making cycle. It's my parents and I love them, and I don't believe they're bad people, they just have absolutely no idea that they're like this. Yet, they want to do family therapy, and yet again, I'm the only one in therapy actively working on myself.
I’m always made to feel wrong for having emotions. The “Why you being so sensitive “ hits me a lot .
Yes!! Exactly!! I’m being too sensitive or playing the victim...
“Stop being a victim”
“Stop being so emotional”
“You’re not the victim here”
“I should be crying, not you”
Yelling constantly, telling you you’re failing
“You make me feel like a failure”
“I want a normal family but you’ve messed it up”
Damp him
Yup that’s abusive
And sometimes people just too sensitive and act like they're always a victim, so. It's tough to say. Just because someone feels a certain way, doesn't mean the feeling is rational or based on what the average person might consider a reasonable reaction. It's important to respect others feelings, and also important to make sure you are rational and objective in your feelings. It's not abuse to simply have a different standard of what is reasonable.
It's difficult to set boundaries around someone who has no idea of the abuse they're inflicting. They are always right, your feelings don't matter and they will never say sorry or back down from an argument. Best to walk away.
Holy crap, you just read the whole story of my 40-year marriage! We are now divorced, bankrupt and had our house foreclosed. Although I am seeing a therapist, there is only so much she can do to help me try to overcome this utter brokenness. Narcissists love to find empaths, then they destroy them.
Try to look at it like a blessing, you are rid of the abuser and now can start your life anew. Do NOT allow anyone into your life like this in future. Give yourself time to heal and regain your strength, then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and seek only positive people that respect and care about you mutually. ❤
I am in q 40yr relationship and from about 6 months into it he changed started saying I was cheating with our freinds,Calling my dead family for everything saying he took me out the Gutter ..utter rubbish..I perform plays for local carers centre and he slags me and the group constantly..Even in company or on holiday abroad he can not hold his Temper . He's a drinker too I don't drink and if i mention about him cutting down etc he gets Very abusive..He's ill now 65yr old and is playing the poor me card to get me to stay..
What should I do???would it be selfish to leave.??
Margaret
@@pentland5 Read your statement again and then ask yourself the question again.
@@pentland5look for support to leave. It will get worse before it gets better. It is worth it if you can. You have to be willing to leave your life. They will use friends and family to abuse and side with him. It’s your life. Take it back ❤
@@pentland5Lying about you, insulting you, making you feel like you're selfish if you leave. None of that is okay, if he loved you, then your feelings would matter to him, and he'd be willing to talk about his behaviour, and stop doing things that hurt you.
The word love is not love, it's just a word. It's his behaviour that shows, how he really feels about you. And what you describe, is unacceptable and emotionally abusive behaviour.
You're not selfish for leaving, your protecting yourself, and if he truly loved you, than he wouldn't have mistreated you all these years. It's better to feel lonely, than to stay in abusive relationships. Good luck.
Gaslighting and blameshifting. So hard to deal with because it’s subtle and you cannot explain to someone about how you come to feel abused- but you feel it. Such a hard place to be
That's what happened to me unfortunately, for months, until I quit
@@mantrackingskills it’s still painful even if you quit. You even get abused more during separation…But i want to encourage you that it does get better and you will heal. You will get your life back. Sending light and healing
1. Pushes your boundaries
2. Humiliation
3. Silent treatment
4. Passive /Aggressive
5. Inconsistent
6. Blaming
7. Criticism
8. Control your decisions
9. Manipulation
I see all these in my ex partner now and whenever I would bring up anything that he did or any of these items he would tell me to CHILL !
The last straw for me was going out one night and he saw me talking to other people and he went ballistic and yelled at me and threatened me physically and then didn’t take any responsibility for it and went silent !
Thank you for your video
I get physically affected. There’s a definite cycle to it and when it gets bad I develop debilitating headaches, stomach queasiness, sore muscles and joints, inability to catch breath, wandering thoughts and lack of focus and clarity. All accompanied with this urge to vomit.
You've just described _my_ symptoms, too. After a particularly intense raking over the coals, I'm feeling this way right now.
@@JenniferLloyd-h9g I’m so sorry
It will pass, stay strong and grounded
This resonates with me. I work from home and my ‘partner’ is retired. I can’t concentrate on my work and keep falling behind every time there is an ‘episode’.
Get away from it. Before you get a chronic disease. I developed MS at 32 & I’m utterly convinced it was bc of extreme cortisol in utter fear of my authoritarian mother from birth to adolescence.
I have the same symptoms. I always thought its me and then the Panic attacks started, where I literally thought that I am dying and now I am listening to my body veryyyyy clearly
Sadly, just knowing his childhood was bad, made me work harder to help him. Waste of time.
I frequently saw him act exactly like a toddler bouncing from one task to another boasting about his achievements. None of which were helpful or necessary and usually made a mess. I digress.
Yes, I felt bad for his childhood and wanted to show him a different way.. All it did was make him see things in a negative way because its what he wasn't used of.
I tried making up for his bad childhood but in so doing, I lost myself. Today, the emotional abuse became physical. My head hurts😢
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM THERE! 😖😵
I know that feeling
I was abused, won't say how, but I can tell you that this is true. You don't know untill you're older and it just makes you feel worthless. Please, PLEASE get help before you're 38 years old and are too scared to even go out in public like I am.Not sure if I'm dealing with a narcissist or an abusive person. But it feels the same to me. Both are Bad!
Yep its both be brave sweet pea and fight back not literally but mentally and STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!!
manipulators are stupid do anythings to go out of their script and u ll see them react and go crazy but be careful of ur safety ... for narc they are constantly living in fantasy word yhere their meal should be looking a certain way ,they should be treated a certain way , isolate u , and when the mask cracs u ll see some kind of crazy menatl behavor or way of talking like " oh my dna is better then anyone alse " I stopped smoking in a nap of finger " whilw they still smoking in front of u like if they are not aware of it
Leave the jerk for your own sanity!
Reach out to someone in your family or someone who knows you and cares enough to help you get out of the situation. I can tell you by experience that when you're around an emotionally abusive person, it affects your self-worth in a way that makes you withdraw, isolate, and socialize less. The negative feelings you have around an emotionally abusive person will slowly evaporate if you could be around at least one person who loves, cherishes, and cares for you and your wellbeing. Reach out to someone who cares about you and isn't charmed by your abuser to the point they would believe the person over you. A caring person will help you break free. You're worth that.
I feel you on this more than I want to say here. I’m so sorry you had to go through this too! All of us!! It’s sad!! I’m the same way I don’t like to go out either it frightens me.
Pushes boundaries. Doesn’t accept no. Belittling. Silent treatment. Passive aggressive comments . Put downs. Double standards. Blames you for everything. Lying. Cheating. Never happy for you. Controlling. Puts down your choices. Guilt tripping. Perfectly describes the narcissist I just escaped from...
Never happy for you…. That one hits home…. I had a job opportunity for a dream job, I was asked to adjust my portfolio and re-apply in a few months… she took this as an opportunity to throw loads of comments of ‘your not good enough’!
She was actually joyfully putting me down and battering me… “ with not good enough “ - it was the joy in her Tone that she couldn’t hold back when spitting out the comments is what killed me. What was actually said was we are interested but can you provide samples of work in our style!
She broke me that day and the venom she used has poisoned me to the point I doubt I can recover…
😢sounds like my relationship.
Absolutely agree.We were married in 1971 and we were happy until for the first few years but this seemed to deteriorate about 30 years ago. It has now reached the point where I have to work out carefully what I am going to say before I dare open my mouth. How did we get to this.? It is torture and I wish I could find a way to make it stop. K
@@kathridgard8509 have some comfort in your not entirely alone, I remind myself I can be happy to be happy I am good with myself and I don’t need validation from my partner.
Well done! Im still in the grip! It's a nightmare.
This makes me so sad. I'm realizing now that I've probably been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 9 years, and it's a hard pill to swallow when I have loved this person, been married to this person, been committed to somebody that could do these things, intentionally or unintentionally. I have felt this way for such a long time, that I thought I was going crazy. But maybe now I see, it's not me. Thank you for your wisdom.
Try 36yrs. Just got the strength to let go. And day by day I see things which I didn't realize was abusive
Amanda Garcia God bless you..12 years for me n still suffering. They mimic! That is scary... Diabolical demon children...Help me Lord GOD!
Donna Thom , did you leave?
No,. My house and I have nowhere to go.
I understand. My mom was terminally ill and my sister, an ER nurse, tried to tell me I was in an emotionally abusive 18 yr long marriage. It took me 10 years to accept she was correct and leave. It has been 3 years now and I had to contact him over terms of the divorce. His business failed and he got a job as an engineer again making six figures. I found out about Thanksgiving but he had not increased the alimony as he was supposed to do. Major fight started when he tried to gaslight me. Now I am all messed up again. I reached out to my lawyer because I need him between us.
It hurts my heart to the core to hear that those who are abusers were usually abused themselves. I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused and I would NEVER hurt another child in any way. I was further traumatized as a child when adults tried to sweep the abusers behaviors under the carpet by saying they were abused themselves and couldn't control it. I was told as a young child to forgive/understand my molester because he was molested by his father. And that was it. I was never gotten any counseling or put in a home where I felt safe or loved. I was soooooooooooo afraid that I was going to become an abuser because my abusers always told me they couldn't help it because they were abused too that I chose not to get married or have children. However, I am a social worker and I do everything I can to protect children. I'm almost 50 and finally getting the therapy I should have gotten as a child or in my 20's.
My understanding is that "The cycle of abuse" model has long been debunked. I don't know why she said mentioned it. You sound like a beautiful soul.❤
Some social workers go into that line of work and many times end up hurting innocent children and families. I hope your not one of them.
@@TraciePallett thank you for your concern?
I was hurt but didn't become a predator..empaths aren't narcissistic
This applies to friendships too. I only just realised recently that a close 10 year friendship was emotionally abusive. I feel amazing since it has ended!!
Yes, it can happen in friendship and other circumstances.
Im happy 😊 yu broke the fake friendship I’m glad yu recognized it because in so called friends it’s hard to accept it
My father was emotionally abusive to me. When he passed on, my mother asked me if I missed him. When I took time answering, she said "What's to miss?" She knew how he treated her, me, and others.
That's incredibly sad. His "legacy" is a family that hates him because he used you guys as a scratching post to wear down his claws down at the end of the day.
The interesting thing to me, the reason I'm watching these videos, is that there are so many men and women like this that go through life hurting people on purpose. Why do they do these things? Why do they treat those closest to them as if they're enemies? Why?
@@HavanaSyndrome69 Mostly a lack of empathy mixed with entitlement. If you think you have the right to something, you take it. If you dont understand or value the feelings of others, then there is no issue.
In the case of narcissists, the goal is to feel good yourself. They have a constant need to bolster their ego and use everyone they can to lift them up, because they have been hurt, but wont address and heal it. Instead of fixing their biggest issue / past insult, they are addicted to everything that makes them feel good. It is like having a broken leg, ignoring it and trying to laugh it off by offending others.
SUCH a mindfuck, and totally heartbreaking. Was able to be fairly tolerant of it, up until recently. DONE with all of it. ZERO tolerance policy at this point.
Im at your point now. But 4 years later how are you?
How did you get out?
@@SilentTrip By going IN.
@@rb919did you and your partner heal or you left the relationship?
Excellent video. What makes it even harder is that the more you stand up for yourself, the more threatened they feel and the more they turn up the heat. Equal isn’t equal to them until they’re on top. So, unless you figure out their crazy-ass games and disengage, the drama will escalate until you’re finally left broken, alone, and in an emotional heap. (They turn others against you.) Still, if that’s what it takes to finally be out of their world, so be it. You’ll be free. It’ll take time to heal, but you’ll be so much stronger - and hopefully wiser.
I wonder if an emotional abuser can change? This case is even more complicate because he suffers of strong depression. The ironic is that toward society he is an ethical man but in his love relation he is so difficult and complex. What do you think this person can change?
These patterns of behaviour don’t change as they are solipsistically speaking very successful They start at a young age, or later in response to trauma, intuitively organically usually in response to neglect and abuse early on in an invalidating environment. It is automatic, inherent and largely a reflex more than a choice. They are innately non relational in many ways as this also represent fundamental developmental failures. Unfortunately, while it is sad and often tragic for anyone involved, including the person themselves, it’s not possible to for them to change. Any optimism regarding this is seriously misplaced. Emotions have an anatomy of their own and as much as we cannot regrow or reanimate a paralysed limb the architecture for pro social and vulnerable mutual relating is simply not there. They will necessarily fuse with others and seek to dominate to compensate their inadequacy and frailty. They will utilise you like the third leg on a stool and ultimately abuse in reaction to their own inadequacy and dependence.
@@kerrycosato I always fall for guys like that
I needed this tonight! My whole story right now! No matter how much I love this person they will never see it! I have been pushed to my limit and now I’m saying things out of anger bc its to much to deal with.
Same here
There is one you missed. Crazy making. Purposely being difficult or starting fights, in order to irate an emotional response out of you. This is usually done in a covert way. For instance if you’re trying to decide dinner and they are purposely being difficult in picking a place, and when you are finally fed up and frustrated, and verbally express that, you see their face light up in happiness. This is emotional abuse. They’re gaining happiness from the emotional turmoil that they infact orchestrated.
It is traumatizing! I have flashbacks every day of the emotional abuse my last boyfriend put me thru.
Grow up
Quit your whining
@@mickeyts5626 not easy when you are traumatized, took me 3 months, 3 months of flashbacks and constant shaking 24/7.
@@mickeyts5626 imagine announcing to the entire world that you’re a piece of trash.
Yes living hell
The hardest thing I've ever had to do was not just recognize, stand up to & end abusive relationships in my life (which is most all of them)....Ive grown to realize it's actually using the pain, harm & consequences I've experienced for something positive & good for all humankind, not just saving my own self...using your voice, story & harm to help others also standing in your shoes.
While curiously affording themselves all of the feelings and rights that they deny you.
12 legged Sasquatch..
So True! Love the way you phrased that ! Ty!
They make the rules, try to enforce the rules, and break the rules!
@@kathryngracey7993 Politicians for example.
So well said!
Yes they do don't they?
My mom was really emotionally abusive. She really messed me up growing up. I think that is why I ended up with an emotionally abusive boyfriend. Thank god I finally got away from him.
My husband often do all of those things to me 😢
I'm so glad to hear that!
I’m glad you got away from him. And what happened to your mom that contributed to her being how she was?
@@lechantique I feel punished, but for what I don't know. Yes, suddenly the one I turned to for help and love, did not want me, and was hateful and took his love away, a divorce threat that never happened, though keeps on being threatened, as he knows I don't want the family broken. Yes silent treatment the minute I speak up. Lots of gaslighting, snarks, sarcasm, a totally different man than the one I knew (and it's "my fault" for not just "shutting up and forgetting everything". ) Won't even own up that he caused my anxiety and ptsd, like my doctor has said, but refers to me as "fucked up", and "if i want my needs/wants met....better find another man. " There you go. 100% no one I ever knew. Yes, and twisting and turning the story/words around, like I should not feel the way I do. "Im sorry you feel that way, but I don't know why you do". I'm overwhelmed.
Get therapy please, bc the broken parts of you will find men just like him over& over as it's familiar& they feel like home... Please save yourself now honey
I used to ask “why are you even married to me if I upset you so much?”
I wonder what his answer was. I bet he didn't even give you an answer.
He never gave me a straight answer about anything important like that. He was good about changing the subject.
It was the same type of response I’d get when I would tell him I’m depressed because I feel like a prisoner with him.
Scarred Marquet . Good one,,!
OMG this is me right now. I couldn't believe it but I'm reading this and... there's no doubt anymore...
Same here. I got fed up with the drama and mind games that I just asked him, “if I’m so awful what are you doing with me?”
Lying in an “intimate” relationship is abuse.
It's a tricky one that one.
My mother always taught me that when tact & diplomacy fail, the only time that it's ever acceptable to lie is when the truth will hurt the other persons feelings.
married 29 years, 9 out of 10. I have know for a long time, but it is so hard to break away from. The psychological damage is so hard to deal with and re-train your brain to stand up for yourself.
Same. At this point I stay for my kids. He even talked me into being a stay at home mom. Now I have no career or money so I’m stuck
@@tinamcginn1275 Praying for you. You need to get your children away from this abuse..
This video is a perfect description of my childhood and early adulthood. It basically describes my mother completely. Since she was my sole caretaker and I was an only child I got the full force of it. It has taken me till my thirties to even realize how bad things were and how much it has affected me. We rarely communicate now but the effects are still there and they are a constant struggle.
Oh wow. Thank you for clearly explaining what emotional abuse is. After 30+ years of abuse and gaslighting its hard to even know the truth anymore, but I trust God can and will heal me with my own effort of course. Thanks again.
It’s one thing to accept you’re in an abusive relationship and leave, but a completely other thing to accept that you allowed that treatment for so long. It’s a long road to recover from these relationships!
Allowed. How to get out, where to GO. Especially with no $. Right.
This is part of healing. You have to be able to be honest with yourself. No one can make you turn away from family and friends, it was a choice you made. These are the people you grew up with, the ones who love you, the ones who warned you to dump him. Your abuser mistreated you, you didn't like how it felt but you stayed and made excuses. A man will treat you how you allow him. If you can't take accountability for your part in that difficult situation you will not fully heal. She's right.
Yes, I like this quote....."Hurt people, hurt people." I'm still struggling with the after effects of emotional abuse, and it's been many years since I got out. It took a long time to realize the emotional abuse, until my child was suicidal. But we are happy and free now, and healing does happen, with consistent effort and counseling. And now we can find excellent help on RUclips! Thank you for your excellent video's!! You make a difference!
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for three years and videos like this one have helped me so much with identifying what I went through. I'm so grateful to be free again. Thank you for all that you do.
I love how your videos are gender neutral so anyone can relate to the material. Most abuse videos are focused on female victims and I've been fortunate enough to find a few male victim channels out there.. you're so easy to listen to and provide the perfect level of enthusiasm. Thank you so much for your work!
" I love how your videos are gender neutral so anyone can relate to the material."......................................"you're so easy to listen to and provide the perfect level of enthusiasm. Thank you so much for your work!" hear, hear! totally agree.
It’s also relationship neutral. Many videos on emotional abuse is given in the context of domestic violence but emotional abuse can happen in any relationship.
yup thats what u thought too ... the majority probably r males ... but there woman can have all those patterns too.
I lived with a couple of emotionally and mentally abusive women myself.
Except emotional abuse is only taken seriously if the victim is female…
Okay, so all these hit home. It has taken me many years to realize everything was a lie. Manipulation, control and using the legal process to keep me “chasing my tail”, I’m thankful for FINALLY realizing this. After thirty five years of life experience, two beautiful children, I can say I have a VOICE! Now, I want to help others find themselves instead of giving so many years to the evil ways that man uses others. Thank you for your information.
This nailed it!!! I just discovered my 8 year "casual relationship" fits the description of what is called the covert narcissistic personality and as I started to do that research I see why I have been living like a walking zombie for the past years not knowing what is wrong with me and why I can't even achieve the most simplest of tasks. I knew there was something wrong inside of me that I could not understand and since I am a highly sensitive person it seemed as if my sensitivity had just gone haywire and Amplified go my focus has been on self-healing self-awareness and I appreciate videos like this because it really makes it clear where the abuse occurs even when you least expect it.
fluttergirl9 I am right there where you are. In a way, it's so scary to realize that I was being emotionally abused but in a more important way, now I can finally get far away from him and heal the wounds that made him attractive to me. I know when I repair the relationship with me and love myself, I won't even think twice about men like him. I pray for his soul too. He has no clue. He thinks he is just the sweetest most loving guy on the planet. He denies being abusive in any way, so I wish him well. I'm so glad to be aware and out of there! Stay strong girlfriend!
@@iamajoyous1 Glad you are aware of your value in all of this. You are right about giving up the attraction when you strengthen self love. Its not as easy as it seems I know, but it's worth the struggle. If we can survive loving these "types" we can do anything!! 💪 😉💛😄
Stay strong! Sending you love ~Rachel
Had to comment halfway through the vid, literally spot on with everything… The fact that I was blind to all this is mind blowing. Like I knew but what happens is they’re in control of how you feel. What really got me is she was controlled by her father and verbally abused. Now it all makes sense and things are aligning.
I have been emotionally abused by my brother. When I was growing up he used to tell me what to watch on tv or not to watch or criticized the type of music I enjoyed listening to. Now I cut him out of my life because he has been manipulative towards me. It hurt my self esteem and made me smaller. Thanks for your video Julia.
Physical, Emotional, Mental Abuse, and Bigotry.
Physical and emotional abusers have something in common: The abuser is trying to control someone else.
When they can't get someone to do something, or when they realise that they don't have control, they react.
If you are being abused, you should try to remove yourself from these situations. After all who, wants to be constantly yelled at by an angry person? People often can't control their feelings. They'll curse you and say hateful things. These people will take it out on you if they are having a bad day.
A Bigot is a person who does not tolerate other peoples opinions.
In my opinion:
Try to be sensitive to other peoples feelings and not ONE WAY, but Don't be a victim of abuse. Remember the Golden Rule,
Treat others the way you would like to be treated. You will feel better about yourself when you look in the mirror.
Pray for them, and seek to find approval with God.
"Father forgive them for they know not what they do."
Then stay away instead of being a victim. Avoid people who are insensitive and that do not tolerate opinions and feelings of others.
Yes!!!! Boxing Reverend
Boxing Reverend James Toney .. GOD Bless you.Yhey know what there doing.. Diabolcal demom children..
Amen James Tony!
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Wow! That's me. I did'nt even realise it and thought that I was the one in the wrong all the time. But am waking up now..
Your video did make me realize, I'm in an emotional abuse relationship,and sometimes I give it back 😡(not sure if it's worth it)
Such an important (and complex...and common) issue to address. Thank you so much Julia!
My entire marriage was riddled with emotional abuse. I was never good enough at anything. He tried to make me question my sanity, my intelligence, my emotions, etc. Shocked was the look on his face the day I stood up for myself and told him I refused to apologize any longer for situations I did not create and for those situations out of my control. Thank you for your thoughts and sharing your knowledge in this video.
38 years of marriage. When he passed , I had difficulty understanding the feeling of being relaxed, peaceful. Kept telling my BFF I feel weird. She said you are free of the abuse. I love the quiet now. My verbal skills have improved. My sleep is better. My migraines are fewer. No indigestion. Lost weight. It’s taken 4 yrs. Still not all the way there. What you’re describing is exactly what happened. I lived my Christian married vows. I do not “ever” want another relationship, definitely hate the thought of Marriage. Never ever again. I love my freedom. Marriage is slavery. I will never encourage anyone to get married. I love Jesus. He included women throughout HIS ministry. I do not believe today that he meant for us to be Slaves to men. I pray God will give me an additional 38 years of life or more as a reward for all that suffering. To be really alive and be myself again. The person HE created.
Amen
But you do realize that the same enslavement you endured happens to millions of men in marriages as well, just more covert than overt.
Men and women are better together than apart, but as a species we are fallen.
Just look how well the animal kingdom does it
This was enlightening. I found myself wanting to go away from the truth
of what you are saying. But I came back to hear the whole thing. Every single one of these are true within my 30 year marriage and to some extent with my adult son. I came close to leaving my marriage 15 years ago (where even the divorce attorney I was working with suggested that abuse wasn’t always referring to physical abuse). I chickened out when my husband screamed at me about how embarrassed he was when the papers were served to him in front of colleagues. That alone should have emphasized how much I needed to leave! Now I am 70 and I am insecure, not sure of myself at all. I used to be a strong woman. Hopefully this can give courage and resolve to younger women in a similar situation to just get out !!
Im crying rigth now, i did't wanted to realize this... now i know i always felt inferior with my 7 year relationship...
My mom wasn't subtle about her actions at all. I grew up being screamed at and called worthless and a burden for so long... some of the points fit, but for me it was just... more than that. Using body language to seem intimidating and like I was going to be hit. How people viewed her was more important than taking care of her family. Putting money towards material unnecessary things was more important than feeding me and my little sister. I was terrified of touching anything at another person's house when visiting because if I did, when I got home I would get yelled at. Even after I became an adult, even being at another person's house would cause me extreme anxiety. I would startle awake every time someone opened my bedroom door (I still do) and have to control my breathing to calm down if it was just something innocent because she would practically break down my door every morning before school and on weekends before church. I had no privacy. I couldn't keep a journal, I didn't have a safe space. All attempts at privacy would be violated and then I would be confronted on my innermost thoughts and feelings later. It was so bad that even to this day, I can't have a journal or a diary due to the feelings associated with it. When I finally told my mom why I had so many problems with her and why I needed therapy and basically "confronted my abuse" about a month or so ago, she gas lighted me and said "There is no evidence in your medical records, I can pull them and show you. I can even get people who have known you your entire life to tell you what _actually_ happened. You were not abused at all. You're making things up. You've always had a very active imagination."
Hope ur out of that nonsense.. Sorry to say, but she never cared for u.. Tc❤❤🙏🤗
That is so terrible. I'm so sorry. Your mother is truly despicable. If you want, I would recommend going no contact.
7:38 I call it emotional whiplash. You never know if you stood on the wrong eggshell, unfortunately 😔✌🏻❤️
I just realized that this is me. My whole life this was how I was being treated by my own parents, especially my mom who admitted her own mom was mentally ill, and was mean to her, so I grew up thinking this was normal and acceptable behavior not knowing that I even did it my self to others, especially my boyfriend. In reality this is often a result of feeling disappointed, feeling hurt, not having the support or empathy and understanding from a loved one that you thought was a given, so you respond with threats and try to punish the other person because you want them to hurt as they hurt you. You want them to be really sad, and inflict emotional pain onto them for making you feel this way. I also realized I am not the only one. Many a person around me does this as well...often totally aware, but we do it anyway out of resentment and anger.
me too .. I am 42 this next year ... and my parents are from Germany ... I don't know if its a european thing.. but same here
My mom did the same, her mother abused her emotionally. Deep down i know i am good human being when i left the home my mom miss me alot and my friend said she didn't miss you she miss abusing you. My life changed i become unbreakable nobody in this world can abused me emotionally or physically.
Gille87 Your learning..I'm proud of you.. God bless you dear..I have so much respect for you. A true Narcissist wouldn't tell this! You will be a great counselor! God bless keep teaching And exsposing.*
..
Thank you for admitting this. This is me too and Idk how to manage. I have no friends, and my marriage is falling apart. 😩
Ticked every single one of these. The first time I noticed something was seriously off was being publicly scolded, sworn at and humiliated. She would never apologise and excused her behaviour away by saying it’s because of “cognitive overload”, or “you just don’t understand me or my humour, grow up.” I then ended up apologising for having raised it and was met with days of silence. So many examples of this. I was then smeared to her friends and was told “none of my friends like you and think you’re an abuser.” Pure evil in my opinion.
You are describing my relationship! I am so sad that all of these thing have happened to me. I don't like to think of myself as a victim, but I know I have been duped for years.
Oh my god, I am only at #8 and I had to stop the video to comment!!! This video is making sense of the total INSANITY that I have been living for the last 3 years. I ended a relationship no less than 12 times with this guy and every time I ended it, he would find a way to contact me and the result would be these AMAZING conversations. Somehow, after each breakup, he would show up having all the empathy, understanding, clarity, communication skills, and gentleness that he lacked while we were together. It was so attractive that I would give in and the whole cycle would just begin again. I absolutely ALWAYS felt like I was losing my mind after talking with him. I was completely baffled after listening to what he would tell me and wonder how in the hell I had the "off" perceptions that I had. Now, thanks to this video, I do NOT feel crazy. I had an interaction with him over the weekend and even that one small interaction resulted in so much pain for me. I now realize how serious and dangerous this is to my health, mental and physical. I pray that I may never ever again act on the temptation to connect with him again. I could use some suggestions on how to keep oneself from contacting their abuser should they find themselves having a weak moment. I cannot thank you enough for posting this video.
@Joy Colson - you wrote my story, except I'm married. I've left him a number of times and he always treats me so beautifully when we don't live together. This last time I was in a rented house, paying more than double what he was paying. He was living in MY mortgaged property.
I'd had to get a full-time job in order to leave him, (there were times during the marriage when I worked full-time and he worked part-time, and other times where we both worked full-time).
Some months after returning this last time, I became very ill, needing hospitalisation. I'm well now, but only working minimally, and as I've got progressively better, his treatment of me has reverted right back.
Please don't go stay in this relationship. Abusers never change, as they believe the problem isn't theirs. It will eat away at you and destroy you, as it has me.
To avoid contacting him, please keep in mind how bad he makes you feel when together, and re-visit sites like these.
My husband did it to his first wife too, but of course, 'the problem was hers'.
We've been married nearly 30 years and his abuse towards me started on our wedding day.
And of course, true to form, it's all my fault...
You’re in a very tough spot right now. Don’t marry him.
6 years later we’re still deeply benefiting from your beautiful well thought out videos!
Thank you! Every single word of this was needed today! Love and blessings!♥️
Very informative and confirmative. Accurately described. Going through some of the things described in the video, but thankfully I have such a strong stance on my opinions and values that my would-be abusers ended up being powerless to try and shame, humiliate and guilt me to sway me from my opinions. It's videos like this that add on to my awareness, illumination, and self-improvement. Nothing but appreciation for this video and videos like this.
One of the best descriptions on emotional abuse on You Tube. I have watched them all. Fabulous job. Women abuse too, and I have endured it for decades.
Thank you so much for this. It's scary how many points you made that align with my past toxic friendship. The individual I was friends with used to flirt with me and push boundaries that made me feel that there was something romantic brewing under the surface. For a while, I went along with the advances thinking they were just being overly friendly and that it was their nature to be more affectionate. However, after a while I expressed how I was uncomfortable with their touchiness and how telling me 'I love you' was out of bounds and that it all needed to stop immediately. I'm very loyal to the ones I love and unfortunately I tolerated for too long what I now can see was an emotionally abusive relationship. After 1.5 years and with the support of my therapist and close friends, I made the jump and ended the 'friendship'. It is one of the best choices I've ever made in my life. Today, I struggle with some symptoms of anxiety but I'm working through that with the help of the Holy Spirit and a Christian counselor. There is hope out there for anyone who feels like they're suffocating and have lost themselves. Don't give up and seek help.
I've found this site and watched a few videos so far and every single one of them have been spot on about what my mother and sister have been doing to me from birth to today 46 yrs its been going on and its only recently i've learned about gaslighting and the mental and emotional abuse i have suffered from them. I just want to say thankyou for your videos i am learning a lot about what they are doing everything u have said is 100% accurate with what they are doing to me
Three times I totally fell in love with emotionally abusive men that raged at me. I am taking now responsibility of going to therapy because it's my pattern. I was yelled a lot as a child. It's a huge challenge, but I may have to start seeing my long term future as being happy alone and single. For me hurtful love is an addiction.
2 years ago, i saw this video. It started me on a journey that opened my eyes to the level of confusion and contempt i was receiving from my wife. The affair was the last straw. I ended up learning about covert narcissism and she checked all the boxes. Today this video showed up in my feed and reminded me how far ive come. Kicked her out 9/4/22, got divorced march of 2023, sold the house and moved to Maui. Life is good.
I hope things are still going well for you! Congratulations
What makes videos like these very educational is that every single one of us, simply because we're human, has or does emotionally abuse somebody and most of the time not even realize it. It's not an excuse at all, but it's something that a lot of us should wake up to. Even beyond marriage and relationships, best friends, workplace relations, and family who can all be close and care deeply for each other, but might say things to each other more than you would to some joe blow on the street because in a way you feel like you can get away with it more because they know that you don't hate them and not trying to intentionally degrade them, but still, no matter what, we got to be as careful and aware as possible. Even when we have that one friend that we might overly make fun of, that could be a form of unaware emotional abuse. Even the littlest things can be emotionally abusive. Like I said, it's crazy that a lot of us are completely unaware that we are guilty of it to some degree.
Omgosh Julia! I'm sitting here with my other half & we have been watching your videos that started with me curious about "how to understand a loved one that struggles w/ depression" & 7ish videos later it has landed us here. so to my sickness i've dealt with, I just watched you speak it into an understanding in real time. like wow! How I can just already feel & start to even see the healing that its going to bring into my life, relationships & rest of my life. So thank you, we thank you for just being and doing what you do. ~Chris & Lisa.
Extremely well summed up. Very clear. Thank you.
I have dealt with this in the courtroom with my son .
His dad has brainwashed him. It’s been awful, beyond awful.
It’s been 10 years of “I’m crazy” but I know I am not.
My son knows I am not.
Thank you so much for sticking up for us! ❤
I was married to someone who did every single one of those things ALL the time. The divorce should be final soon and I'm ready for my new life ;)
Meags Good for you! I’m a victim also and just now seeing this after 9 years of marriage! Can not wait to be completely free! Congratulations to you!!!
YEAH!!!! Good for you!
Excellent and on point. The emotionally abusive person is the one who will cry the loudest and longest after you leave them. They love playing that game and it really freaks them out when you put an end to their bullshit 'cause the last thing they wanna do is start all over with someone else. I learned the power of goodbye. Life is too short to spend it being dominated and controlled by an emotional abuser. Especially beware of the emotionally abusive person with a substance abuse issue; they have no self-control so all the more reason why they seek to control others. Don't stick around; they won't change.
I used to believe that my husband had been a good person when I married him but that I had ruined his character in some way by ‘spoiling’ him. I figured that anyone at all would treat me that way because of who I was. Now I realize that it is not me, but it is who they are.
youre saving my life, thank you. I recognize myself so much! I quit drugs and alcoohol, going on my 3rd year free from alcoohol and recently quit marihuana. I can see clearly now that that kind of rain is gone. Unhealthy relationships with both of my brothers who were severly beaten and abused by my father. Of corse, they took it out on me. In fact, the whole familly is disfonctional. Moms a gambler. So my dad died this year and I promised I would be a good sister to them. Turns out Im not holding my promise and because of youre videos, Im feeling less and less guilt. Its hard to make that decision, but I've overcome so much its not time to quit now. I dont have much friends, but my co-workers apreciate me because I really believe in the Golden Rules, I hate violence and powertrippers. Im a lover not a fighter. Anyways, I am going to watch all your videos because I relate so much in everything you say and I will use youre videos to help others....less energy draining(haha) I just wanted to say thank you because my trust has been broken so much even with previous therapist who thought they knew it all but never got to know my passionate soul.
You have a way of explaining that really packs a punch. Your affirmations are clear and undeniable, adding your tone of voice at the right moment in the sentence...Like seriously ...your my favorite Counselling experience ive come across. Let me finish by telling you I feel like crying because I know I have a lot of healing to do but thanks to you I will know what to write in my journals now. I wont feel like Im a complete Loser! Thank you very much Madame Kristina, from the bottom of my heart!
This really hits home, Julia! Every single one of these signs are relatable to me! Thanks, as always!!
So grateful you found it helpful Kourtney, and I'm really sorry to hear you've had to put up with people treating you in these ways - that's not okay.
I always find all of your content so helpful, Julia! Thanks so much! I was curious to hear what signs you were going to speak about and was actually quite shocked to realize that every one of them fit a relationship that I currently have. It can be so hard to say something - especially when you're made to feel like the crazy one. I am grateful for your knowledge!
Kourtney Sanders
👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
I have been emotionally abused mostly by my dad, less from my mum, this has happened my entire life - I only realised this yesterday! So now I'm limiting the amount of time I speak to my abusive father. Thanks truly for sharing this Julia it feels great to be understood, even if it's just a little bit.
My family was so emotionally abused me. I'm the black sheep of the family, so why not hurt me.I can't wait to move away from them just for my sanity.
Oh my gosh Julia, my daughter (37 yr. old) has done this to me for years. It has been so terrible. Recently, family members have gone to her and talked with her about it (she doesn't know that I am aware of that) and she has really lightened up, I just find it hard to believe that is could possibly be long term. She has been emotionally cruel to me since she was a teenager. I love her so much and I deeply crave a "normal" relationship. Please tell me more about setting boundaries.
I am so moved by this video because everything you said, Julia hit home to what I went through for 18 years of Marriage. My X-husband used everyone of these techniques on me and I felt crazy, inadequate, small, untrusting of my self and others. I was so distraught I went to my local Domestic Violence place to ask if it was abuse. When they said yes, I was relieved that maybe there was a chance I wasn't crazy! He emotionally, and financially abused me for 15 years. After I helped his business endeavor and he financially bankrupted us, he retired early, and left me paying the mortgage and child care. Once I ask for a divorce, it got worst. He started to infuriate me on purpose, and undermine everything I asked the kids to do causing me to get angry. In turn he started telling the kids I'm crazy, said I wasn't paying the mortgage, he started giving them money or let them do things we agreed before we wouldn't allow. I was a wreck because it took 3 years to actually divorce. He took my 401K, (he spent his I got none), he took my pension (est $2k month), but his was $200 month. In 2008 I agreed he would take the house, but he couldn't buy it. Our home price dropped $100,000.00 during that month. My guess is he was waiting for my 401K as the downpayment to buy me out of my own house. Unfortunately today, my kids still believe his lies about me. In 2008 I changed my 20 year job, put the house up for sale after learning I had breast cancer and underwent radiation. I moved one week before Christmas, bought a new car, put up a christmas tree. Starting over I performed in a church Christmas show. Their father worked nights for 15 years and wasn't there emotionally, physically, or financially, but he told them I was the crazy one and too emotional. He was the Disney Dad only there for good times. My kids believe I'm the one causing the divorce and hold me accountable for it. I haven't told them how he forced and manipulated me into it, because they only have one father. I've made mistakes trying to explain to them and hoping for sympathy....not! I cannot say negative things about their father. Unfortunately, I will have to live with this. To me this silence only continues the abuse I endured, because I can never tell my kids the truth. I am a survivor and want desperately to share my story to prevent others from enduring this hell. Julie your insight in this video may help me to do this! I cannot thank you enough!
Every single one! So sad when you love that person.
My heart is racing. Only 2 of these are not true and it's because I trust myself enough to not let him control my mind. But he does or at least tries to do all of this. I live with this person and I don't know how to leave. I wanna cry.
Thank you for this list. Emotional exploitation is rampant and requires strength knowledge wisdom and support, to avoid or reject. I’m still myself Working on identifying patterns of why we attract this type of control and how to prevent it rather than have to combat it.
This is wild because my parents checked off basically ALL the boxes. It's so hard to explain to others the abuse and the aftermath that's still affecting my life to this day. They think they're such awesome people because materially they did a lot for me - but emotionally they are so lost and refuse to get help or even acknowledge what they've done...I'm the only one in my family who became self aware enough to even attempt to heal...
It resonates so much with one of my situations! I have been going crazy about this person treating me exactly the same way..shutting down, pointing out my fault anytime I say that I didn't like what he did and never owning his mistakes. Right now also he has shut down and refuses to tell what is my mistake. Never fulfils any promises..disappears all of a sudden and I am just left hanging and wondering what's going on. Thank you so much for helping me out. I think this has helped me..:)
And remember, there's billions of people on this planet. Life's too short to be hanging onto people who aren't for you. Let them go to make room for people who are 💚
Super video, thank you very much. We have to fight for our freedom!
Legitimately I was in a relationship where I get emotionally abuse and my anxiety Increased and I feel like I lost my True self and I feel like I will never really find that true part of me again
You can
You recognized it and gave words to it. You will.
You do a good service. People need to be aware. Can"t imagine what it must be like for children to live with adults like this. Blessings galore.
My parents are both like this and I’m struggling a lot. I have mental health issues I’m working on as well as trying to finish school. My biggest struggle is that my parents are refusing to let me get a job even though I turn 18 in less than half a year. They say it’s their house and their rules. I’ve made it clear to them that I can rely on myself to get myself to and from work since they refused to take me, and that school would always come first. It’s really confusing because one day my mom will be talking about some place that’s hiring people and how cool it would be if I worked there, and the next day she’s saying she forbids me from doing it and that school is going to be too hard for me and that I don’t want to take public transportation because of the bad people. They constantly put me down and make me feel so bad about myself. I haven’t been suicidal in a year but my parents make me feel like I am. They’ve told my therapist that I’m cutting when I’m not and that I’m super disrespectful. And no one believes me. Or if they do, they don’t take me seriously enough. We even had a family therapist who told my parents that they can’t keep saying harmful things and once she left, my parents started all over again. I can’t tell if I can even consider what they do as abuse because maybe I’m just too sensitive? Idk sorry for the rant. I know I’m three months late with this comment.
I'm sorry I can't say I have the answer for you, but I don't think there is such a thing as being too sensitive, we all have the right to our feelings.
Bella Jacome
Dear Bella, I so understand your pain and confusion. I also suffered with narcissistic parents. They just want to keep you with them forever because of their own abandonment issues, and take away any sense of independence that you have. Don’t let them do it. Believe in yourself. You are a wonderful, caring sensitive soul and no one has the right to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself. It’s about boundaries and saying No without feeling guilty. I know because I still struggle with all these things. I send you love and compassion and know that you will get through this to live a happy, free and independent life on your terms. Much love to you. Xxxx
Get a job and move out I have always regretted not leaving when I was in highschool. You only need a studio apartment and now a days you can finish school on line sometimes it's just much better to get away from abusive people. You would have more peace of mind not dealing with abusive people. Maybe you can get a decent used car if you keep your living expenses down which is why I suggest a studio apt. Good luck with whatever you decide. I just wish I had left when I was younger, I would have been much happier, my parents were emotionally abusive and it really sucked!!!
Fudge Sickle just to let ya know, that post is from over a year ago. I left my state in the middle of the night and started my life over again in a new state. I got very fortunate that I had support in doing so or else I wouldn’t have made it. Just saying “get a job” doesn’t help at all btw. My old freaking post was about how my parents WOULDNT let me get one.
U had me at disregarding people…Sounds like there’s a fine line between being disrespected & emotionally abused? Great topic, incongruities give me a headache!
Sounds to me like you're describing narcissism.
I would think only narcissists would be capable of such abuse....
@@lynette599 Not every toxic person is narcissistic though...
Borderline personality disorder is very abusive too
They go hand in hand. I think abusers have some form of narcissism or NPD.
This is so on point! Very upsetting...my BF and I just broke up...he was doing ..
every ...one...of these things!!!
I am so heartbroken right now...but I will be okay...I know it. Thank you❤
When you are not willing to grow and heal for a relationship ♥️♥️ the relationship has no foundation !!!! When you have a beautiful person in your life and you take that person for granted!!!! You do not deserve to be blessed in your life with that person 💖💖💖
Bravo ! Very well SAID
Such a good video.....I all of a sudden realized what passive aggression is.....and how my boundaries constantly are being crossed......Being ignored ......am Being degraded .....
My second ex-husband my ex boyfriend and my mother , emotionally abused me you described all three of them. It's taken me over 5 years to get through it . My second ex-husband did control me . You were right on with all three . I have been in therapy and medication for over 5 years . I also have panic attacks ADHD . I'm on medication for all of it and since July I have been on Adderall and Xanax generic forms. The Adderall helped me to start to know myself . I am actually thinking clearly now . I have learned to love myself and I am proud of myself. Thank you for this video
I hope you've healed 💙💜💙
This was incredibly eye-opening for me. My girlfriend has been doing all of this exactly as it's described. Until I watch this I never realized how toxic our relationship had become.
wow Julia! Thankyou for this! Sooo helpful! You are describing my life with my parents and sister to a tee.... sadly.
So glad it was helpful Debbie - and I'm really sorry to hear you've had to be in relationship with people who treat you these ways - I can imagine how painful that's been for you. No one deserves that.
OMG, you are amazing. I can't thank you enough for this video. I just left a 4 year relationship and absolutely think I am crazy. This knot has always been there, but I didn't know why. I finally just left and am 🎉now trying to right myself and grow so this doesn't happen to me again. I am binge watching your videos, where have you been lol again, thank you. I AM NOT CRAZY!!! ❤
Keep it up! Get as far away as you can!
Omg my most recent relationship checks all the boxes 🤦🏼♀️ But the good thing is that I was able to see through this person and leave the situation victorious because I exposed them and their lies and manipulations. And the best thing from the perspective of my own self awareness is that I was able to turn the narrative of this experience into a positive one because it taught me the importance of self value, self respect and self love. Thanks for your content ❤ Blessings ❤️
You have just changed my life ❤️
Having a parent like this has been key factor in my own mental illness for Major Depression.
The solution is ALWAYS strong, healthy self esteem!!!!! These people won't bother with people who have clear boundaries and self worth.
Hi Julia! Thank you so much for this wonderful video, I found it really helpful. As a victim of past abuse over time it does trap you in many ways and leaves you in a state of confusion. I found this very helpful in explaining certain things in my own life.
Same as "Mental Cruelty," right?
Yes
Yup x
Great video. Thanks for posting. I look back in hindsight, on emotionally abusive people that I have known, and my biggest regret is that I didn't (peacefully) cut them off and that we didn't shake hands and go our separate ways.