Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RUclips. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RUclips. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
THANKS EVER SO MUCH FOR THE RESPONSE. SOMETHING YOU TYPED...COMMENTS DAILY, SERVE AS CONTENT FOR FUTURE VIDEOS. "THOUGHTFUL" FOR PERHAPS IT IS DAILY THE CIRCUMSTANCE OF ACTUALLY BEING HURT OR HEALING FROM THOSE "HURTS" IS SO MUCH A DAILY PROCESS ( NOT FIGURATIVELY THINKING OR SPECIFYING) MAYBE AS ADULTS DO AGE DAILY, THEY MAKE READING & WRITING LESS A PRIORITY...OH THAT'S GRADE-SCHOOL/ KID STUFF! A NICE THICK WORKBOOK (INCLUDING A MENTAL & PHYSICAL WORKOUT LAYOUT) MIGHT INDEED GET THE SURVIVAL MODE REVVED UP. KEEPING THE ADULTS FOCUSED ON NOT ALWAYS RESULTING TO/IN SPONTANEOUSLY CHILDISH BEHAVIOR IN HANDLING REAL-LIFE OCCURRENCES . EMOTIONS CAN TAKE ONE IN SUCH UNRESTRICTED DIRECTIONS REAL-FAST ABOUT "FEELINGS" FOR BECAUSE PERHAPS FEELINGS ARE...PERSONAL AND CLOSE & UNTIDY IN THE HEART OR & MIND. VIDEO PROVIDES THE ACCESS TO ANOTHER ACTUAL PERSON(S) WHO'S PRESENTING THEMSELVES AS A SOURCE OF "SUPPORT" IN LIFE'S STRUGGLES AND DISAPPOINTMENTS . THE WORKBOOK PROVIDES A REFRESHER AND REFLECTIVE APPROACH FOR ONE TO ACCESS THEIR PERSONAL GROWTH IN DATA AND CHARTING THAT DATA. ALL WHICH HELPS OUT TREMENDOUSLY WHILE TRYING TO MAINTAIN ADEQUATE ADULT VEIWS & RESPONSES TO OTHER SITUATIONS OR EVEN PARENTING PARTICULARS. AGAIN, THANK YOU, FOR RESPONDING TO THE COMMENT .
What a convoluted mess of a marriage. The partner that emotionally withholds connection triggers a feeling of insecurity in the partner who desires and needs it. Therefore, she/he feels unloved and tries to escape the "uncomfortableness" of this feeling through making her partner feel responsible and thus inadequate. Now, they both feel unsafe with each other and it becomes a power struggle. There can be no real communication and certainly no resolution because they're equally wounded and mistrustful of the other and, both are clearly in survival mode. Chances are the partner who feels starved of connection will most likely suggest seeking therapy and IF the other partner initially agrees, it won't last long because the moment the emotionally closed-off partner feels pressured, (now, by the counselor) to be more expressive...he feels coerced and all bets are off. Both partners crawl off to their lonely, dark corners to lick their wounds and fester their resentment toward the other. If they have children, the emotionally needy partner will try to fill the void and hold the family dynamic together by distracting herself with their activities and placating herself with her children's love and attention. She may self-sooth by finding an enjoyable hobby and cultivating friendships. He's grateful the focus is off of him but never once considers looking at ways he could grow or improve emotionally. The relationship appears to work on the surface, but the partners become grossly disconnected, secretly bitter and highly disinterested in each other. They're simply roommates who smile to get along and hide the pain. The daily grind offers some relief as the years go by but eventually, the kids grow on, the house quiets and all that's left are two mortally wounded, disillusioned, burned out people who have so long ago forgotten any real meaning in life, that they don't even recognize themselves in the mirror anymore. Time wasted, minds f*cked.
Exactly, it's time for me to get out. in my life, this is the first time I've ever even considered living alone. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Im saying, I'm so fed up, I don't care about being alone anymore. I'm so tired and want nothing to do with this roommate friendship anymore. I just want peace, and if I never find Mr. Right... that's ok because I'm tired of looking for him.
thank you for writing this... been reading many explanation abt this dynamic but yours is precisely described how this kind of relationship could happened. I hope many people can read this and find the light from a confusing relationship. It is ok that we need emotional "connection", it is normal. Sending hug for everyone who is seeking for "the light"🤗
You nailed as is exactly what I have been going through for the last 16 years, staying for kids and lost hope for meaningful relationship . I know is my choice but I also have trauma from the past and thought of leaving my house just terrifies me and puts me into ptsd …. Just venting
I ended it last night. He straight up told me he's never going to meet my emotional needs. A part of me will miss him for awhile. But I now realize he no longer belongs in my life.
he never said it to me, but it was clear as day. I just wish i'd gone when i realised, instead of sticking around another 6 months hoping it would improve, because he said he loved me. His actions told a completely different story. this stuff is so hard.
Unfortunately, we can become trapped in these feelings. If your partner does not want to open up to you or refuses to be vulnerable with you, it is best to end the relationship.
@@kiwik2951 what is best? A lifetime of being emotionally unfulfilled and frustrated? I feel when you love someone, you want to give them what they need...someone who knows what you need but refuses to give it to you, doesn't really love you.
I would say it's best, not easiest. Best because the alternative is losing yourself in the process and becoming angry, bitter, anxious, resentful or depressed. You have to love yourself more.
The protest behavior is usually arising after a far more reasonable & softer requests for emotional connection & partnering has been made. If we are with a person who is fundamentally avoidant, they won’t respond no matter how much work we do on ourselves. Yes it’s important to be self aware & work on our ability to stand alone emotionally but in a healthy relationship no one is actively avoiding intimacy & so no one is going to perennially feel rejected. It’s all co created
Well said. This is when WE as he mentions realize THEY are not at a place we need them to be and if there has been a pattern of doing nothing on their part to work on it then it's time to let them go. Of course eaiser said than done but still the cold hard truth.
AMEN!! This is me and me ex of 7 years. His complaint: my anxiety bothered him, wasn’t sexy, he didn’t like it, it needed to go. My complaint: constant withholding, breakup threats, no security, “dangling” relationship rewards I needed to hit goals to earn but then wouldn’t get when I met said demands, emotional unavailability. Just. A mess. We were in therapy a year. He faked his way through the entire year (my pay) and only got “caught” when I sent a recording of a fight. The therapist never touched on any of the CLEAR and obvious emotional attachment issues in our relationship despite recommending books that discussed it. I wish I understood sooner. Once he was “caught” the therapist said we should break up because the recording was harrowing, only one of us were doing the work, he hadn’t learned anything, he was not capable of change, and we weren’t compatible. WOOSH. I left. Ugh, I went back months later... to surface commitments but a whole lot of the same. I had to leave again even though it’s been really hard.
Anyway tldr, protest behavior absolutely can come from all the work you do never being enough. You could meet every bullet point on their list enthusiastically while they met 0 (or 1 begrudgingly) and you could wake up the next day to a list 20x longer, except filled with crap that this time doesn’t even matter unlike the first list but they’ll say it does.
If you love yourself just leave the relationship. Don’t waste your energy or your time trying to get the other person to hear/feel you. Esp, if you’ve done this on numerous occasions. This way you don’t end up a “villian” and them a “victim.” Keep your sanity and LEAVE THEM BEHIND.
It’s draining. This is the best advice. I’m pulling away now without giving him any attitude. If he text or calls me then I’ll respond til then it is what it is. I’m done chasing his ass.
I wish I would have done this. Instead, I begged for the bare minimum for 15 years. I'm going through the divorce process now, but I wish I had loved myself enough to leave a long time ago. I wasted SO many years.
I get where you come from. It's actually very brutal but honest. But what exactly are we saying? We need to be sufficient in loving ourselves and dealing with ourselves that we don't need it from the other person. If that's the case, then why do we need relationships? Or what exactly is the role of our partners if we can't ask for emotional support from them without feeling some type of way? This is kinda unfair
What he's saying is that we cannot RELY on someone else to emotionally regulate us. This is codependency. We need to do this on our own FIRST in order to have happy, fulfilled relationships with other people. If you are making the other person in your relationship responsible for your own inner comfort, things get dysfunctional, fast. This dynamic is also prime for abusive people to swoop in and take advantage of you via emotional manipulation.
You need emotional attachment no matter what in a relationship or else it’s not a relationship at all and if your partner is not willing to give you your basic emotional needs they just don’t care enough and or are doing their best. And if they are ignoring your emotional needs completely you need to end the relationship. Even if u tried multiple times to communicate to them you need that satisfaction and they neglect it. They shouldn’t be in a relationship with you.
Jenessa Labrecque I agree with that take. A relationship of two years and a half without any love. He even said to me I don’t have a heart. I left 10 months ago to see his ex moving in two weeks later in his house. I was left in the cold , in the freezing cold with my little girl.
@@gilmourishgilmourish6205 i can see what this guy is saying. however, he is talking about someone who has extreme insecurity. we are all hurt and damaged. when in a relationship both parties should be able to be open and vulnerable without judgement. if only one is open and giving affection then it's not that persons insecurity that is the issue. while i love his podcasts, this one leaves me feeling a little irritated with his focus on the person with the attachment issue... i think most of us have attachment issues. the key to any relationship is communication and reciprocal affection. if one person is the only one giving love, making all the plans then the one thing i do agree with Alan is... you're just incompatible. He is right... we each need to work on ourselves. Change starts with us. If we heal ourselves than we won't get involved with people who are emotionally unavailable.
You do need emotinal connection. When your standards are not only realistic but bare minimum and they can't meet them ... I don't think your the problem they probably need to grow up .
Kaitlyn Myran I agree. The fabric of pair bonding, or strengthening relationships in our inner circle is woven in part with emotional connection & trust. To deny that & pretend we can function as an island is literally absurd. Sometimes others need to be reminded of what is important in fostering healthy relationships. How else do we evolve & grow & help one another through life?
That's what I'm seeing on so many comments. We are here teaching ourselves and trying and they arent mature or educated enough for us to feel happy in the relationship.
Exactly. I give u support love attention and work full time. Why am I wrong for wanting at the bare minimum to hv someone not just text me happy birthday, to see me more than once a year even tho we are in a long distance relationship. To text me a couple times a day, to be affectionate when we ARE together and not berate me for wanting intimacy. Not all People are asking for too much. Some are reserved and only needed the bare minimum... to tell them to accept what they get and give themselves the rest really makes no sense..
That's basically what he's saying but added guilt to the person demanding the emotional connection. I understand that we need to be more sophisticated in the way we demand the connection but still.. the person avoiding emotional connection is the one in trouble and might never have a healthy relationship if they're not challenged to understand how they're making their partner feel. They need to at least soften their emotional walls. That might be good enough
Dont mind me, just dropping timestamps for me later: 12:00-15:57 personal neediness 15:58 - 17:34 effects on partner 17:35 - 18:55 cause and affect 19:45 - 21:17 step one to fixing neediness 21:18 - 27:22 staying or leaving 27:22 - 28:30 leading and problem solving 28:30 - 29:48 self reflection and making the partner feel safe, secure, and attracted 29:49 - 33:46 skill, questioning your choice in partner, and negotiation with your partner
Sir, you make me feel like the dumbest, meanest, most selfish looser in the world, at times, and I can't express just how grateful I am for being shown this and how bad I been screwing up. You have proved me wrong multiple times and told me how it actually is. While watching your videos, often times I feel like you are reading my biography. You are so clear and make complete sense. The information I learned from you is priceless and I thank you from the bottom of my heart! Have a great day sir!
And add some compassion in there for yourself. We're all on a learning curve. It's wonderful you get to experiment with doing something a little differently now. Good for you to have the courage and openness to see the patterns that no longer serve you. Keep at it!
This video is truly a gift. Thank you so much. I plan to watch as much of you as I can because this information is pure gold and I don't think I would have received it anywhere else. You're saving lives. And I've only seen two of your videos.
That's exactly how I feel watching it, except I don't feel I'm dump 😅 I feel like finally someone gets me, and this is were I can start heal, and that there are loads of us in the same boat
I wasted 16 years in a relationship with someone who didn't meet my emotional needs but the cold hard fact is its my fault for not calling it quits back when I was 19 years old.
…exact same thing happened to me but it’s only been 11(?) years and I was in my late twenties. I have really, really, tried. I think my ex’s problem is the drug use. They can’t have normal emotional states cause they drink, smoke weed, and take tranquilizers… And you have this dopaminergic maximizing culture that reinforces selfishness
I have learned not to say anything because I would either get attacked or ignored; therefore, as a result I am losing attraction and desire for this person and constant dissatisfaction with the situation. It may not be healthy on my part, however this person is dismissive avoidant which is resulting in my falling out of love. If you are unhappy w someone, and conscious you may be somewhat codependent, it does not prevent us from falling out of love. I may be damaged but my partner is worse. Others have met my needs; therefore I know it is possible.
It becomes harder to let go of an emotionally unavailable person when they pretended to be “normal” for a long time and we become attached to them, by the time their true colors start to show, we already have built (what we thought was) a relationship with them. It’s difficult to detach once you’re to that point, and makes it so painful because they’re finally letting you know they aren’t the person they pretended to be. This is what happened to me. I fell in love with a ghost, just a Spector of who he pretended to be. It’s devastating to know you fell in love with an act, not a person.
Same here. Mine is dismissive avoidant and they literally don’t know what to do with emotional connection or emotional intimacy. I am normal. However, it’s very hard to maintain secure attachments with an avoidant.
We cant disregard intuition and the disconnect coming from someone who cant reciprocate emotions. The having you guessing and feeling on the edge as if its you, and when asked they say it's nothing. No one should have to dim their light to suit a person who does not seem this way at a beginning of a relationship but over time sets into their ways. (yet we picked them) They never show their true self which is why they are emotional avoidant. They fear being they self. Best thing to do is leave. When you have questions unanswered, emotions not met, attraction not reciprocated, etc.
Allen is saying that we need to own our needs and learn to cope at times with comforting ourselves when our partner is unavailable. Then to learn non critical ways of asking to have our needs met. None of us is going to be able to meet a partners needs all the time. That’s a realistic fact if human relationships. However, if the partner is incapable of, or consistently unwilling, to help us get our needs met, we may need to determine whether or not it is a healthy relationship for us. He’s not saying we shouldn’t have needs or should be satisfied with a partner who fails to be emotionally available too frequently.
He's also describing what happens with my borderline personality disorder. I could never explain it. I have a void in my heart from abusive parents and I constantly want my partners to fill that hole. Only they cant. Because it's not possible. I have to heal me. My emotional state is constantly fluctuating. I never learned how to regulate them, only to push them away or ignore them. My parents were abusive so I was never comforted when bad things happened to me and I wasn't physically safe with them so everything was unstable growing up. And my illness is constantly seeking out comfort, reassurance, and love. I didn't realize it but yes I see now that I throw a fit when they don't comfort me. First, they don't know what's wrong. Second, it's not a possible task. Third, it's horribly unfair to expect a partner to repair my trauma. 😬😭😳 I never saw it that way until now. Thank heavens I saw this now before I ruined my current relationship with my expectations. We have had episodes because of my illness. I really have to be aware of what I'm doing. Thank you so much for this video!!
Right!! My first therapist literally just sat and talked about herself and the other one just let me talk and doesn’t say anything. Haha, and here is this wonderful guy on RUclips helping me without even having a conversation with me 😂 the ironic
Yesssss I was saying the same thing! Now it’s how to get up and out of this thing. If I keep listening to him I will. I’m tired of depending on him to make happy not realizing I’m depending on him way to much! It’s me!!!!!
When someone is wanting emotionally connected in a romantic relationship or marriage I don't feel it is our own personal problem that we need to learn to comfort ourselves. I do agree that it is very important at how we respond verses reacting but no it takes two people to make a relationship work for both people. I don't think this qualifies as attachment distress.
Glad this spoke to you. Thanks for the comment. This speaks to what happens when we're triggered in relationships. You may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. To learn more take the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Yes, hes right. Your partner lacks attunement and you require it. The problem is when you force it from your partner out of anxiety rather than accept it and either be okay with it or move on. You are not wrong for needing attunement in a relationship for satisfaction. In fact that's completely normal. Its not wrong to feel frustrated or unheard. Whats wrong is telling your partner they are wrong for not being able to do it.
So how do you discuss the elephant in the room, without discussing the elephant in the room? I think this psychologist/commentator is unrealistic about the dynamics of a real relationship. Of course we will ‘act out’ when our basic needs are ignored! We don’t co-exist in clinical settings where we read textbooks to each other! Jeez already.
Just realized a few days ago that I have been stuck in such a dynamic with an on and off partner for years, and that its a cycle perpetuated by attachment trauma. I've been projecting onto him my own needs and realized that I have ZERO tools to manage the intense anxiety, rejection, triggers and so much pain and suffering. I have finally figured out that I needed to re-parent myself and self-soothe so that I am able to connect and communicate from a place of compassion and kindness. Its all a learning curve. Thank you for your informative videos Alan!
@@rosieone4533 I actually took time off relationships completely to heal. I've been celibate since and it's been a couple of years now. I've never been happier and healthier 😌
I feel like such a fool, I can’t believe my expectations for my ex fiancé were so high. While all I had to do was get myself together and find my own tools for coping instead of expecting my ex to comfort me in my extreme distress... smh I’m so glad I know now & I’ll definitely make sure I don’t repeat the same cycle! (This is one of the videos that changed my mind COMPLETELY)
But here’s the thing, too...don’t fall into the trap of rushing in to blame yourself, least of all to comfort SOMEONE ELSE. Don’t “fill in the distance” or emotional gap with your over the top caretaking of THEIR emotions. Because as he mentions repeatedly, your partner may have been purposely withholding, distancing, and doing their own part in creating that familiar dynamic for themselves as well.
Definitely learn your own coping and self-soothing, but DON’T tell yourself that you’re foolish for having needs. We all have needs. If one person’s constantly get met while yours go by the wayside (again) for a crumb of recognition, you aren’t imagining things. You DON’T need to try to berate yourself into not having needs and just “cope” your needs away. They need to meet you halfway. Not at their 5 yard line. HALFWAY. So get yourself to where you’re capable of meeting someone halfway AND STAY THERE (where it’s stable) without devolving into 100% “help me cope now, distress” or “there’s distress, it’s easier to run over to your needs and deal with those instead, fuck mine” mode. And don’t berate yourself for being human. So many people are in this boat. It’s not weird or uncommon. If he knew you well enough to ask you to marry him only to later tell you that he found your needs unacceptable, he had issues too and it wasn’t just you. Please remember that and don’t take away from this that something is wrong with you and he was just fine.
I sabotaged every relationship I was in until I worked thru this issue with a therapist. I’m grateful I woke up or else I’d be making every partner responsible for my happiness which is impossible. Therapy works
That's true. When I don't trust my partner it's about me and not him. I have to ask myself: "What's wrong with me if I choose to be with partner that I cannot trust?" "Why do I choose to be with someone who does not feel trustworthy? " He is a free person and is not obligated to do what I wish. He can be a liar if he wants to. He can intentionally or unintentionally withdraw himself if he chooses to? But why do I have a problem with people being who they are? I could just make instead a new conclusion that situation has changed and does not fit my goals. So, I need to leave the situation and find me a better place instead of blaming somebody else for the situation that does not satisfy me. I should know I deserve somebody who makes me feel good and go for it instead of coming after somebody who can't satisfy me just to blame them. . . .
Omg, you explained beautifully. I never thought about it in this way. We can't be the victim if we know we are staying. We are the ones permitting this behavior towards us, not them. Thank you for this perspective.
That one took a long time for me to learn, too. For me, it was because of anger and feelings of betrayal because the emotional needs not being met were discussed and mutually promised to each other at the beginning of the relationship. The problems started about 2 years after marriage. I saw it all as a "him" problem for not keeping his word, and for being hypocritical in expecting me to keep my promises while breaking his. I kept trying to "teach" him emotional intelligence, instead of accepting who he is, and that if I couldn't live with double standards, I needed to end the marriage. I will never waste time on a relationship like that again.
Esther Hecker hi Esther I love how you put it . Once I seen how my daughter rolled her eyes on me I knew right there and then . I lost any respect as a mother .we know she have borderline Npd . But never the less.....the eyes rolling was my .......wow the penny has dropped. ❤love from me to u
😂😂😂 I roll my eyes all the time. It’s because people think they can tell me something and I’ll do it. Little do they know I will not. My eye roll says you are so wrong 😂
Sounds brutal ("that's who ya picked"), but it can't be accurate unless you've lived with that person for a long enough time. Long enough for them to exhibit this behaviour . Most everyone starts with puppy love / limerence then they commit then they learn to love. In a long term relationship there are more variables such as attachment theory . We present in love they only way we know how. Still everyone can do better by being empathetic, someone has to be willing and diligent enough to push past the pathology that we all have. I agree, that's who ya picked, but it sounds worse than it really is because you don't learn about this until you willing to recognize it. Some honeymoon phases can last 5yrs.
Or like in my situation, you could have picked someone who was lying about important things like personal values, religious beliefs and money... then found out 5 1/2 years into a relationship that, no, I didn’t actually pick him, I picked the act, the person he had pretended to be the whole time, because he was more concerned with keeping up with his outward image than he ever was about actually loving me.
I personally find the brutal 'honesty' almost cruel. Comes off, to me, as very judgemental and saying just take care of yourself. Like a 30 kinute sermon on hiw wrong you've been for trying to get your needs met in the only way you knew how. I'm glad it worked for some of you though. I need much more sensitivity and compassion, had a lifetime of criticism and harshness.
Sir, you are a genius. The effort you put into choosing the right words is tremendous! You make sure that people don't feel like monsters for acting the way they do in this particular scenario, but still manage to be clear on the importance of taking responsibility for how WE feel and to not throw the burden on others. Great job!
Alan, I watched my mother emotionally and mentally beat my father down while growing up. I do not what to model this in my own relationship and home. It's amazing how much we have to resist acting in a way we were raised with. Thank you for calling me on my BS.
I say bye, bye to someone like this. I don't expect what they can't give, I just want more and if I don't feel that the other person is doing or sharing in a healthy way after trying to communicate this to them, I am moving down the highway. Done. No more. Years later, you see they are the same person they always were, no growth what so ever. Forget it, you did the right thing by moving on with your life without them in it. Stop the madness already and that is exactly what it is, madness.
absolutely. That's what I decided to do with mine. Oh I didn't want to, she basically forced me to. She's like can't we be friend? (I'm wondering...you think we're friends?!?! this is how you treat a friend?)
wow this video gave an incredibly clear insight into why my last relationship did not work out. My gut feelings had always told me the dynamic of the relationship was off. Now looking back, it became quite clear that the dynamic of demanding - avoidance was what pushed my partner away or shut him down, he was not willing to engage. I finally understood why communication eventually shut down between me and my partner due to mismatch of the availability of emotional engagement and that he was not willing to communicate further or put in the work to meet me halfway to work out the solution so we parted. I came to terms with the fact that we were not compatible in the long run and some things simply cannot be fixed. Thank you for this awesome video that shed light into a very important part of relationship dynamics that make or break the relationship!
I didn’t give this emotional rollercoaster game too much time. Everything was great in the beginning, he then gradually pulled away by the 4 month mark. By then I knew that it’s not going to change. I said to myself.. If he’s not wanting to see me more than once or twice a week, if he’s not showing the affection he used to, if all he does is finding errors and oddities in me, if he constantly talks about himself but never asks me about anything, if he’s only present in my life in a very superficial way, then I need to move on, this is not the kind of compromise I’m ok with, no matter how hard it will be to say goodbye, no matter how much I will struggle afterwards. I do understand that no one is going to be “perfect”. But I also now see that there’s an extremely fine line between compromise and incompatibility and it’s on us, only on us to decide where that line is!
best comment i've seen! This is exactly what happened with me. I didn't give mine too much time either... came on strong, by week 6 was bare minimum effort... texted me every day but low effort texts. ended that. it's better this way!
Holy guacamole… you just described my 6 month blindsided breakup with a avoidant to a T She was back on Tinder looking to hook up within HOURS because apparently that’s easier than investing lol
I am going through this now... I have a constant heaviness in my chest that something is not right and my SO doesn't understand whats wrong. He said he is trying his best and the more I try to create connection I feel like I lose him more. I don't know if he just doesn't love me the way I need or if i am crazy? Why is it so hard to feel this connection strongly I feel distrust and like I am chasing and that makes me mad at myself. I have lost weight I cannot sleep I ruminate on things he says or doesn't say. I have been in relationships before where the love was there and I didn't feel this way. I feel confused like I am not up there in priority. Driving me nutty
I just ended mine because she didn’t care even I told her I m hurt and wanted to end the relationship. She was happy to accept it and act as cruel as she can be giving me hugs and kiss emoji like she is laughing at my wound
:/ same things are happening with me. When i need the most love aften hes is not there. It's ao painful. He says he needs time but deep in his mind he hopes that i will al alright on my own. :/ but becaome more ressentful caz i spend my days crying. Waiting for him to make me feel love. But no nothing. :/ so feel so mad at myself.. Expecting things which is never happen😐 i m always alone when i need him. I don't know how to explain him.. :/ i m in so much pain. As i know he will not do anything. I took a break from him.. Hoping he will understand. But guess what he is gkvinv me space😅😅i have been crying for days. Then after days of crying all of a sudden he will appear hoping me to act normal. How could i act normal!!?? :/ i m in lost of pain guys help me
Extremely helpful.. my nervous system has been severely affected by neglect , abandonment, can't trust a soul. I was actually this very trusting person so much of my life. Now I have very high walls. Yes I see my resentment issues because of it. It's affected my health for years. I can't keep blaming my childhood and live like this. I have this attitude that it's best to just be numb and not feel anything. I was very much an Empath but I was able to snap out of it and stop feeling peoples feelings. I once had friends but no more. I was very much a feeling woman and it's like she died in me.
And some people look at being kind and soft as weakness and they will further take advantage of it. Going through life as a whiney, vascillating wimp is a recipe for disaster. One NEEDS to be firm or “rigid” about values and boundaries. Anything else can be dangerous. Most people don’t notice or wake up about their shortcomings or failings UNTIL it’s met with rigidness.
@@KB-ih5gf Good for you and I agree. And btw...I'm not sure if the author of this video can erase comments or not but I left 3 more comments directly on this video and they are no longer visible! I was saying it seems as though he's blaming the victim which is wrong and hurtful. Not everyone is the same throughout a relationship and someone can be open and kind at first and then do a 180 and completely change. I took offense to this guy in the video saying "you picked them"! As if we would've "picked" a jerk and it's our fault if we're treated badly. Ridiculous. Anyway, It looks as though he deleted my comments where I address that 🤔
I have never heard anything more accurate. Thank you. I've been in no contact for 5 and a half weeks. Part of me wants to send him this video. But I don't know if I should. I really miss him. But I don't miss the anxiety of wanting more from him.
I'm in the same boat. I personally don't feel that I was asking a lot by needing emotional support, BUT I do feel that I could've been more compassionate to his inability to provide it. I do feel a bit of pang of guilt about that. For as much as we were compatible with every that was a big one that we weren't. So I get that for as much as I miss him and want to reach out I don't miss feeling guilty about possibly overwhelming him/giving him anxiety anytime I asked for anything (even simple things like, I had a bad day and I just want to call you and tell you about it). Am I asking for too much or too little?
Kel did he break up with you? If so remain in no contact. He knows what you want and if he wants that too, and you relationship was good, you may hear from him eventually. If not then he wasn’t worth your time to begin with. If you broke up with him and believe you can accept that he may not be able to give you what you want (even if you ask nicely) then contact him and have the talk. It’s really about being true to yourself about what you want for yourself. I always say that being true to yourself is the hardest thing in life to do, but it gets easier the more you do it. Just my 2 cents. I’m no expert but am going through something very similar. We’ll get through it!
You know what I don’t understand. Is when you’re falling in love & getting to know this person, how they do meet your emotional needs, then they become absent once in a solidified relationship, I feel like they did a u turn.
How can I trust a person who has limited emotional availability ? How should I view them, I want to see them as a good person, a person that is kind and good hearted but whenever I see evidence of their distance, it just seems like they dont care, which makes it seem like not really a good person after all.
Trust who people show you they are. Know your worth. It sounds like you’re trusting or loving someone for their potential. I was doing that too.. but if someone consistently shows you they aren’t a good person, or consistently don’t listen, or consistently show bad things, take a step back and really evaluate why you’re there. It’s a hard pill to swallow but we can’t change people, people are who they are until THEY want to change.. so if they show you they’re someone who you do not like. WALK AWAY. Value yourself above all else. I hope this helps
I believe it is perfectly normal to express to your partner the level of discontent. It is not ok to start blaming them, however to express the level of distress is a must. And that is the beginning to where the partner will either open up or shut down even more. I grew up in this particular dynamic and that showed me truth about our relationship. To try to change the person we should not however to express to them- completely and honestly what we feel is the starting point. Don't shut yourself down for the sake of the relationship because it wont' last anyway, be honest and always. Another words, own frequency must meet same frequency otherwise there will always be a conflict. We can't temper with the ways universe works.
19:34 is where he starts talking about the solution. All the content of this video is descriptively on point and so important but self responsibility is the first step to getting our needs met. Another way to describe the solution is that self responsibility gets us out of victim role and we can choose to get off the drama triangle at that point.
Alan..Your videos are extraordinary..I have been in therapy for a long time but never has anyone said things the way you do.It is both wise and restorative....
Absolutely impeccable, insightful, and radically honest. Your videos are so helpful when I’m spiraling within my relationship. I feel less alone, less confused, less bitter, more compassionate, more self-reflective, and more empowered to communicate in a healthy way that doesn’t involve accusations and blame.
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my effort. If this video is helpful then you may also be interested in getting in on our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Wow, I just broke up with my girlfriend. I explained seven times that I dont like and wont be with someone that continues with a certain behavior. It was useless so, I ended it..
I get this, it makes a lot of sense, thank you. My question is around the moment of the trigger, what steps can I take to soothe myself? When my partner withdrew emotionally or rejected intimacy, it was so painful it felt like something impaled my chest. And so just knowing that I should take responsibility for that pain and soothe it myself doesn’t change anything, I’m in such pain that all I want is relief from it and so there isn’t logic at that moment, and the easiest source of relief seems to be from intimacy from my partner. What are practical things I can do to soothe myself and my inner child myself in those moments? All semblance of knowledge and logic disappears and so I’m asking about practical action steps which can be taken in those exact moments. Because even in a good relationship, there’ll be some times when your partner isn’t as present emotionally as you’d like in a given moment. And if you have an anxious attachment style, that’ll be a trigger. How does one soothe oneself in that moment?
This is the question that needs answering. The trigger moment & feeling the withdrawal & rejection as if something has impaled your chest, what do you do right there & then? The moment you fall off that cliff, how do you get back up. 31 years into my relationship & I have yet to figure that one out.
I was recently ghosted and I figured out that the frustration of why he cut me off is similar to the feeling my mother gives me by being distant and resistant to hear my feelings or acknowledge her part in my injury. Then some days I don’t even know what my emotional needs are
This is a brilliant video. I have been so guilty of this and making ex partners wrong. Believe me it didn’t work. I chose people who could not meet my needs, and then made them wrong, which made things worse. It wasn’t until I started looking at my own behaviour that things started to shift. I think there are many of us who need to hear this message over and over.
One of the best videos I’ve ever watched! Definitely helped give me insight on past relationships! I used to definitely lead the wrong way but I’ve also tried leading with my own lack with partners, who couldn’t meet me back and I foolishly stayed to avoid the “abandonment” knowing deep down we were incompatible! Yikes! You’ve laid a lot on the table for me! I’ve been single these past 3 years and celibate to make sure I heal and fix things that I haven’t been addressed 👌🏾 thanks so much for this! 💜
I get what you’re saying but my partner was emotionally unavailable and I couldn’t go on blaming myself for his lack of attention and affection. I left him and learned my own propensity for co dependence. My new partner and I communicate very effectively and have no problems in this area. Could be that I learned better coping mechanisms or that I picked a better man or both!
Thanks for engaging in this content. I'm glad to hear you're exploring communicating emotional needs in relationships. It's helpful to understand the different coping mechanisms people learned to rely on. I recently created a course on this. To learn more take The Attachment Distress Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I didn't choose her rather she'd reached out to me after years of tensions. Few weeks in, already noticing patterns;hot cold, etc. Wish I'd seen this video earlier. Reached out few times, jokingly, aggressive and non aggressive ways. Eventually had to let go. Loved her ❤ but she was doing things to my CNS I never felt before. 😢
My ex gf ( just broke up) was emotionally avoidant and not wanting physical intimacy with me. I thought I would try to understand her and make her feel my love and affection will change her but no she won’t and I told her how I feel she just completely ignored me and pretend nothing happened and I got even angrier . I don’t see how this will work if I Don get any emotional connection or affection from my partner. I can work on myself but still she was the wrong person for me . I think these type will always be in toxic relationships or in relationship without love
How about just leaving and then working on resolving our own issues whilst alone. And one day when we are well try and find someone emotionally healthy or just stay alone.
Ella Nola triggers appear mainly in intimate relationships so when you don't have a "partner" you may be "asympthomatic" and then you meet someone and most probably this things bubble up anyways.
I do agree that after any break up, taking a few years to heal is the wise thing to do. Jumping into another relationship shortly after breaking up, is a very bad idea.
Laura Herrera I agree. Have been single for many years thought I was doing fine. Yeah right 👀 Now in a relationships, all sorts of fears pop up. It’s a wonderful way to heal if we are able to talk
Thank you dear friend , for the love and care you give to all of us . Wish the world had more good people like you and others kind ones on RUclips . Thank you so much from me .
Absolutely impeccable timing on this topic. Shame on me for putting my partner through hell for the past two years by focusing on what he's not been doing as a fearful-avoidant. I feel like the demanding girl child to his passive schoolboy. Well well, a much needed reminder that I need to work on myself. As you said, we need to work on ourselves and once we know what our needs and limitations are, to exit or accept what is, not what can be.
It's a struggle when you weren't loved unconditionally. When you weren't validated or even really heard. Don't be too hard on yourself. You feel bad because you're a good person. The important thing is you're trying now. "Nobody's perfect," as they say. I know the type of pain you might be feeling. I know it's hard.
it's crappy because I am the one be driven off by my partner. He won't be open when I try to get things out in the open but it's suddenly is all my fault. I don't care, I don't want to abandon him. We both struggle together. At the same time. I and he knows I don't have normal social growth but it's agonizing to to me since I really have so little I ask for. I just believe at this point it's a symbolic form of him finally trusting me. Though I know it probably will never happen. :( Ironically I choose something intended to create bonds between us. and he finds my request to be something that can only be done when he is comfortable disregarding the lengths of discomfort I must take to make him comfortable. Only to then be told I am distant, and he is uncomfortable again.... I am so screwed hahaha, oi ve. why did I have to become an artist 😐😱😩
Alan I have a question. I do wanna learn how to sooth myself that emotional connection is being denied. But ultimately, if this is a recurring thing with my partner, withholding connection. Shouldn’t I move on?
This is extremely confusing. Are you saying that we should choose a partner who is perfect to begin with? It sounds like I should not expect my partner to meet my needs and it's on me.. even though we are in a relationship. This video is such a conflicting message.
Me either. He used to be so amazing and wonderful. Now all he does is prioritize his friends over me. I feel like I've been moved from the top of his list all the way to the bottom. Given, he does talk about me a lot in a positive light to his friends. But guess what? His actions are saying otherwise.
Well, the video said that's our problem. We can ask by first asking them how we might be not be available for them, we can work on ourselves and then we can decide logically if we're compatible for our relationship. I'm not. I state clearly in the moment what I want and it's small like hugs and he's dismissive and withholding, the work work I do on me the more I can see I deserve better and need more.
I think maybe this video is talking about people who need to be comforted over every little thing. Not, people who are being withheld HUGS from their partner. Not even judging when I say that, the last year of my last relationship, we didn’t touch, hug, kiss, sleep on the same floor, etc, so I get it ☹️ Sounds like your guy is keeping up appearances when he talks so highly of you but can’t spend half a second touching you. Alcoholic parent? Emotionally cold parent? That’s my ex’s issue. Alcoholic emotionally distant father he desperately sought the approval of, “overbearing” “too-loving” mother (she’s actually quite normal, just deprived) he inherited all his father’s shit opinions of. Sigh.
Wait, so it is a false expectation to have towards the partner that they will meet my emotional needs? Meaning, I should not have any emotional need expectation from the partner? I'm confused.
Oracle of Omaha i think it's more about knowing when we're not getting anywhere with a partner and working towards honoring ourselves instead of continuing the same behaviors that result in a cycle
So is attachment. But relationships inherently require some attachment. We depend on each other in a relationship, but if you have anxious trauma, then your dependency needs can come at the expensive of the relationship itself.
The book "Attached" basically says if you are anxious, don't hook up with avoidant types, because that cycle will trigger itself forever, and neither person's needs will be met. It's important to know your weaknesses, know your needs, And to continue to work on yourself, so you can choose a partner who complements you those ways.
YOU SIR ARE AWESOME !!! I love your passion for the human condition and it's obvious to me you're in the right profession. Love your style, love your fearlessness ... would be so much fun to have you as a "bestie". Failing that, no doubt I'll be tuning in to enjoy what you have to share on a regular basis. :p
Wow... I'm going through this right now. Recently I was triggered by a situation where I felt rejected and disconnected. I made it all about me, and my feelings. I'm a fearful avoidant attachment style. He is a dismissive avoidant I believe. Anyway, after my emotional outburst, I realized that it wasn't his fault that I was feeling that way, eventhough his behavior triggered my attachment wounds. I apologized and asked that if it happened again, could he just tell me to be quiet and give me a hug? I realize that I'm attracted to emotionally unavailable men, because I am also emotionally unavailable to a degree. It's like when I feel connected to him, I'm calm and dare I say...happy. He seems to be very uncomfortable when I feel the most safe and comfortable with him. Alternatively, when I am hurting and feeling disconnected, he seems to be very comfortable and happy... that is, until I react in an emotional way. It seems to be a cruel joke at times. Thankyou. I needed to hear this today.
This is spot on .. thanks for sharing this .. the self evaluation and recognition of when this happens. Never saw this in this way. Hypersensivity.. is a curse. You share some very interesting ideas..It always comes back to our own discomfort and what we need to look at internally.
After seeing this video I can’t see the difference between a husband and a roommate... anyway, my husband was very communicative before the wedding and after that, he started to withdraw. I tried to connect and didn’t worked so I read somewhere that what I needed to do is to start having my own life without him (of course, no cheating). I went shopping or to the movies by myself or some friends, enrolled again in the university.... It took a while until he finally noticed that I was so happy without counting on him that he worried that I could leave him so then he started to reach me again.
I've just run across your videos and I'm finding them so compassionate and so helpful. In couples therapy several years ago our therapist told me I need to get my emotional needs met elsewhere if I wasn't getting them from my husband. On some level it was the best and worst thing a therapist has said to me. I did manage it in many ways. I've found a bit of backbone and learned to communicate my needs more compassionately like you've described. Yet still feel indescribably lonely in my own home. I have great friends and a great life outside here, but just feel empty in my marriage. I watched another video first that really allowed me to validate my needs as real and it's the first time I realized it. I think I took my counselors words to mean I could expect nothing from him and to be able to make myself happy anyways. I think this video has really cleared this up for me. Now we just need to figure out if he is capable of the connection and vulnerability I need or if I need to move on. Ah, this sucks. I love him and don't want to hurt him, but I'm finally loving myself enough to realize I do need more and he may not be able to be that for me. I hope however this goes he can learn that he is enough on his own, too. Even if we decide we aren't compatible.
This channel is a gold mine for gaining greater self-awareness & insight in order to heal our attachment wounds. Thank you for your support in this sometimes tumultuous journey!
A relationship is a two-way street. If one party is putting in all the effort and time while the other is checked out, the relationship is driving down the fast lane to failure. My partner is being emotionally distant at the moment in the way that he spends more time with his friends than he does with me. I need to be more firm and communicate how I'm feeling.
Why I hate people like him I feel like he is blaming the person who feels the disconnection it isn't both need to be held responsible for their action or lack there of.
Thank you! I never realized I was doing this! You explained it in a way that made me understand what I was doing. Everything you said is me. I can now work on my hypersensitivity and be stable. At 52 it is about time!❤
Wish I had you 20 yrs ago! Great video with the full 360 view from defining the issue to offering us a path forward. Thank you for adding info about how to handle this in a healthy way. So good to have skill building information. Thank you Alan so very much!
So basically in a nutshell, if you're not getting your needs met just leave the relationship? Because I wasn't really hearing an alternative. Ok. Self regulate the way you ask..but if your ask still falls on dear ears..then what??
I guess the follow up question we are all asking is "does someone out there actually exist that WILL be emotionally available?" Or should we all just get used to not having our needs met all the time...
@@elizardw4900I think that is why we stay with emotionally unavailable partners. Because we’re scared we won’t meet anyone else and then we’d be even more alone.
We shouldn't get to the point that we are starved of affection in a relationship.If we are, then naturally we will question wether our partner feels anything for us or not. It is a basic human need to feel loved.To find the person who we know loves us, feel loves us..If we don't recieve signs of been loved and the relationship is empty then what us the point of been with that person. We shouldn't need to change.If the partner doesn't love us then we are with the wrong person and just want to know that so we can move on and not throw our lives away with the wrong one.
A-mazing! This is so accurate...and helpful! I am recovering from 12 years in this "grid lock" .... Your description here allows me to have so much more compassion for myself, and my ex partner, as we separate our lives.
In my failing relationships, I learned that even though they can possibly do me wrong, I still know the main problem was me not SPEAKING UP. I need to learn to speak about what's on my mind. The other person may not understand but at least I spoke the transparent truth and I can live stress free with that.Then..what ever happen,happens.
Ummm no. This is why you leave therapy to therapists. While the barriers to dialogue may be true in some cases, the very case of declaring needs not met is foundational to any relationship.
Dear Alan this is so spot on! I have read many 'Advice columns' where it seems they encourage you to make demands 'if they are not good enough for you and don't meet your needs then ditch them!' You give well founded intelligent insights and I am so glad I found you. We need to work on ourselves first! Needless to say I am doing just that! :)
omg, I absolutely have an emotional tempertantrum with him. That's me "I NEED MORE AND I NEED YOU TO GIVE IT TO ME" OMG how immature!!!! I say horrific things out of fear and anger. I protest, I demand. He gets scared. We fall apart for 3 months... we return. 10 years of this. .... 10 YEARS of this cycle...
I was anxious her the avoidant. Really not a fun dynamic. You really feel lonelier than alone. It's like they are happy for you just being there....no need to talk....as avoidants usually say.
Hi Alan, thank you for the video. I have become a little confused on the way of healing attachment injury. I started out avoidant and a bit of a loner, and perfectly comfortable soothing myself. Then the belief in my wellness community seemed to be that communicating was important, showing up authentically when distressed was important, that giving people the chance to be there when you were upset was important and I tried applying those lessons. However, I feel that this had made me worse, it has made me so codependant that i can't even function, always hoping for comfort from others that I will never receive, and according to this video, must not expect to receive and rather self sooth (please correct me if I'm wrong, or help me understand the nuances, because I dont). Where is the fabled middle ground? Thanks
I am a highly sensitive person and I really appreciate your work! It’s challenging to put this into words but you do it so well. I’m ready to put the work into my own healing! Thank you!
Anyone experience a relationship where the other person is nonchalant even after 8 months? You know that they care but are not feeling it on a deep level. It feels as if the relationship ended today, they would be over it tomorrow.
Ok I get it - you pick the unavailable person - but I must argue that one doesn't know what one doesn't know - I didn't know such a thing as a dismissive avoidant exists - so I was treating them as though they were coming from an internal orientation that was similar to mine - and I walked into land mines. It took ONE time where I engaged in protest behavior and they were gone. Quite frankly I believe in the long run it's to my benefit that it happened when it happened - quite early on - because it caused their exit - and now I know there is this type of person I will forever stay clear of - I would never want to have feelings for a dismissive avoidant again - they are just too volatile and there is just not enough there to make the investment in them worth it
I think this cost me my relationship. Eye opening, I’m not even fully in touch with my own emotions so how can I possibly connect to someone else on this level. Determined to fix this now! Thanks sir!
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RUclips. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RUclips. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
Thanks so much for. your explanations..
So interesting !!!
You often fill in the gaps to our questioning...🙂👍
Oookiookiokook
Spot on thank you for opening my eyes to myself....
THANKS EVER SO MUCH FOR THE RESPONSE.
SOMETHING YOU TYPED...COMMENTS DAILY, SERVE AS CONTENT FOR FUTURE VIDEOS.
"THOUGHTFUL" FOR PERHAPS IT IS DAILY THE CIRCUMSTANCE OF ACTUALLY BEING HURT OR HEALING FROM THOSE "HURTS" IS SO MUCH A DAILY PROCESS ( NOT FIGURATIVELY THINKING OR SPECIFYING) MAYBE AS ADULTS DO AGE DAILY, THEY MAKE READING & WRITING LESS A PRIORITY...OH THAT'S GRADE-SCHOOL/ KID STUFF!
A NICE THICK WORKBOOK (INCLUDING A MENTAL & PHYSICAL WORKOUT LAYOUT) MIGHT INDEED GET THE SURVIVAL MODE REVVED UP.
KEEPING THE ADULTS FOCUSED ON NOT ALWAYS RESULTING TO/IN SPONTANEOUSLY CHILDISH BEHAVIOR IN HANDLING REAL-LIFE OCCURRENCES . EMOTIONS CAN TAKE ONE IN SUCH UNRESTRICTED DIRECTIONS REAL-FAST ABOUT "FEELINGS" FOR BECAUSE PERHAPS FEELINGS ARE...PERSONAL AND CLOSE & UNTIDY IN THE HEART OR & MIND.
VIDEO PROVIDES THE ACCESS TO ANOTHER ACTUAL PERSON(S) WHO'S PRESENTING THEMSELVES AS A SOURCE OF "SUPPORT" IN LIFE'S STRUGGLES AND DISAPPOINTMENTS .
THE WORKBOOK PROVIDES A REFRESHER AND REFLECTIVE APPROACH FOR ONE TO ACCESS THEIR PERSONAL GROWTH IN DATA AND CHARTING THAT DATA.
ALL WHICH HELPS OUT TREMENDOUSLY WHILE TRYING TO MAINTAIN ADEQUATE ADULT VEIWS & RESPONSES TO OTHER SITUATIONS OR EVEN PARENTING PARTICULARS.
AGAIN, THANK YOU, FOR RESPONDING TO THE COMMENT .
Aaaaaa!aaaaaaaa!aaa!aa1alaaaa!
What a convoluted mess of a marriage. The partner that emotionally withholds connection triggers a feeling of insecurity in the partner who desires and needs it. Therefore, she/he feels unloved and tries to escape the "uncomfortableness" of this feeling through making her partner feel responsible and thus inadequate. Now, they both feel unsafe with each other and it becomes a power struggle. There can be no real communication and certainly no resolution because they're equally wounded and mistrustful of the other and, both are clearly in survival mode. Chances are the partner who feels starved of connection will most likely suggest seeking therapy and IF the other partner initially agrees, it won't last long because the moment the emotionally closed-off partner feels pressured, (now, by the counselor) to be more expressive...he feels coerced and all bets are off. Both partners crawl off to their lonely, dark corners to lick their wounds and fester their resentment toward the other. If they have children, the emotionally needy partner will try to fill the void and hold the family dynamic together by distracting herself with their activities and placating herself with her children's love and attention. She may self-sooth by finding an enjoyable hobby and cultivating friendships. He's grateful the focus is off of him but never once considers looking at ways he could grow or improve emotionally. The relationship appears to work on the surface, but the partners become grossly disconnected, secretly bitter and highly disinterested in each other. They're simply roommates who smile to get along and hide the pain. The daily grind offers some relief as the years go by but eventually, the kids grow on, the house quiets and all that's left are two mortally wounded, disillusioned, burned out people who have so long ago forgotten any real meaning in life, that they don't even recognize themselves in the mirror anymore. Time wasted, minds f*cked.
Exactly, it's time for me to get out. in my life, this is the first time I've ever even considered living alone. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Im saying, I'm so fed up, I don't care about being alone anymore. I'm so tired and want nothing to do with this roommate friendship anymore. I just want peace, and if I never find Mr. Right... that's ok because I'm tired of looking for him.
Best comment ever ty
The best summary of I’ve ever seen.
thank you for writing this... been reading many explanation abt this dynamic but yours is precisely described how this kind of relationship could happened. I hope many people can read this and find the light from a confusing relationship. It is ok that we need emotional "connection", it is normal. Sending hug for everyone who is seeking for "the light"🤗
You nailed as is exactly what I have been going through for the last 16 years, staying for kids and lost hope for meaningful relationship . I know is my choice but I also have trauma from the past and thought of leaving my house just terrifies me and puts me into ptsd …. Just venting
I ended it last night. He straight up told me he's never going to meet my emotional needs. A part of me will miss him for awhile. But I now realize he no longer belongs in my life.
At least he told you and you can set yourself free and find someone better suitable ♥️
@@Ohkeh640 my husband told me the same thing but he is actually changing bit by bit after aLot of prayer.
go on girl!!! It will make you stronger! I ended mine 2 days ago, with him saying the same. He gave the bare bare minimum.. can't do that anymore.
he never said it to me, but it was clear as day. I just wish i'd gone when i realised, instead of sticking around another 6 months hoping it would improve, because he said he loved me. His actions told a completely different story. this stuff is so hard.
How are u doing since the break up
Relationships require reciprocity.
Yup bottom line.
My biggest struggle, deep down inside makes me truly sad. Guess this is the reality of life.
Fact
So you’re saying that after 200 time you don’t get yo be mad? Ok so just leave I guess?
Connie E period
Unfortunately, we can become trapped in these feelings. If your partner does not want to open up to you or refuses to be vulnerable with you, it is best to end the relationship.
It is easiest, not best.
@@kiwik2951 what is best? A lifetime of being emotionally unfulfilled and frustrated? I feel when you love someone, you want to give them what they need...someone who knows what you need but refuses to give it to you, doesn't really love you.
@@malhunt7facts
I would say it's best, not easiest. Best because the alternative is losing yourself in the process and becoming angry, bitter, anxious, resentful or depressed. You have to love yourself more.
After 33 years, l am DONE trying, begging, asking, and waiting for emotional intimacy. I’m literally drained and exhausted.
The protest behavior is usually arising after a far more reasonable & softer requests for emotional connection & partnering has been made. If we are with a person who is fundamentally avoidant, they won’t respond no matter how much work we do on ourselves. Yes it’s important to be self aware & work on our ability to stand alone emotionally but in a healthy relationship no one is actively avoiding intimacy & so no one is going to perennially feel rejected. It’s all co created
AMEN!!!!
Well said. This is when WE as he mentions realize THEY are not at a place we need them to be and if there has been a pattern of doing nothing on their part to work on it then it's time to let them go. Of course eaiser said than done but still the cold hard truth.
AMEN!! This is me and me ex of 7 years. His complaint: my anxiety bothered him, wasn’t sexy, he didn’t like it, it needed to go. My complaint: constant withholding, breakup threats, no security, “dangling” relationship rewards I needed to hit goals to earn but then wouldn’t get when I met said demands, emotional unavailability. Just. A mess. We were in therapy a year. He faked his way through the entire year (my pay) and only got “caught” when I sent a recording of a fight. The therapist never touched on any of the CLEAR and obvious emotional attachment issues in our relationship despite recommending books that discussed it. I wish I understood sooner. Once he was “caught” the therapist said we should break up because the recording was harrowing, only one of us were doing the work, he hadn’t learned anything, he was not capable of change, and we weren’t compatible. WOOSH. I left. Ugh, I went back months later... to surface commitments but a whole lot of the same. I had to leave again even though it’s been really hard.
Anyway tldr, protest behavior absolutely can come from all the work you do never being enough. You could meet every bullet point on their list enthusiastically while they met 0 (or 1 begrudgingly) and you could wake up the next day to a list 20x longer, except filled with crap that this time doesn’t even matter unlike the first list but they’ll say it does.
totally!!!
If you love yourself just leave the relationship. Don’t waste your energy or your time trying to get the other person to hear/feel you. Esp, if you’ve done this on numerous occasions. This way you don’t end up a “villian” and them a “victim.” Keep your sanity and LEAVE THEM BEHIND.
It’s draining. This is the best advice. I’m pulling away now without giving him any attitude. If he text or calls me then I’ll respond til then it is what it is. I’m done chasing his ass.
I wish I would have done this. Instead, I begged for the bare minimum for 15 years. I'm going through the divorce process now, but I wish I had loved myself enough to leave a long time ago. I wasted SO many years.
@@Kc-dq7zj I listen to him at 20:20 a lot
If people could do that therapists would be out of work.😮
Sometimes you have to show them cause everyone didn’t grow up with the same type of love but that doesn’t mean take any bs
I get where you come from. It's actually very brutal but honest. But what exactly are we saying? We need to be sufficient in loving ourselves and dealing with ourselves that we don't need it from the other person. If that's the case, then why do we need relationships? Or what exactly is the role of our partners if we can't ask for emotional support from them without feeling some type of way? This is kinda unfair
I feel this
THIS
Exactly! My thoughts exactly!
What he's saying is that we cannot RELY on someone else to emotionally regulate us. This is codependency. We need to do this on our own FIRST in order to have happy, fulfilled relationships with other people. If you are making the other person in your relationship responsible for your own inner comfort, things get dysfunctional, fast. This dynamic is also prime for abusive people to swoop in and take advantage of you via emotional manipulation.
Need to be aware too, for some of us, we fear and push away emotional connection. Many layers.
You need emotional attachment no matter what in a relationship or else it’s not a relationship at all and if your partner is not willing to give you your basic emotional needs they just don’t care enough and or are doing their best. And if they are ignoring your emotional needs completely you need to end the relationship. Even if u tried multiple times to communicate to them you need that satisfaction and they neglect it. They shouldn’t be in a relationship with you.
Jenessa Labrecque Amen.
Jenessa Labrecque 🙌🏻
Jenessa Labrecque I agree with that take. A relationship of two years and a half without any love. He even said to me I don’t have a heart. I left 10 months ago to see his ex moving in two weeks later in his house. I was left in the cold , in the freezing cold with my little girl.
Thank you!
@@gilmourishgilmourish6205 i can see what this guy is saying. however, he is talking about someone who has extreme insecurity. we are all hurt and damaged. when in a relationship both parties should be able to be open and vulnerable without judgement. if only one is open and giving affection then it's not that persons insecurity that is the issue. while i love his podcasts, this one leaves me feeling a little irritated with his focus on the person with the attachment issue... i think most of us have attachment issues. the key to any relationship is communication and reciprocal affection. if one person is the only one giving love, making all the plans then the one thing i do agree with Alan is... you're just incompatible. He is right... we each need to work on ourselves. Change starts with us. If we heal ourselves than we won't get involved with people who are emotionally unavailable.
You do need emotinal connection. When your standards are not only realistic but bare minimum and they can't meet them ... I don't think your the problem they probably need to grow up .
Kaitlyn Myran I agree. The fabric of pair bonding, or strengthening relationships in our inner circle is woven in part with emotional connection & trust. To deny that & pretend we can function as an island is literally absurd. Sometimes others need to be reminded of what is important in fostering healthy relationships. How else do we evolve & grow & help one another through life?
That's what I'm seeing on so many comments. We are here teaching ourselves and trying and they arent mature or educated enough for us to feel happy in the relationship.
Exactly. I give u support love attention and work full time. Why am I wrong for wanting at the bare minimum to hv someone not just text me happy birthday, to see me more than once a year even tho we are in a long distance relationship. To text me a couple times a day, to be affectionate when we ARE together and not berate me for wanting intimacy. Not all People are asking for too much. Some are reserved and only needed the bare minimum... to tell them to accept what they get and give themselves the rest really makes no sense..
@@houston10 Absolutely right.
That's basically what he's saying but added guilt to the person demanding the emotional connection. I understand that we need to be more sophisticated in the way we demand the connection but still.. the person avoiding emotional connection is the one in trouble and might never have a healthy relationship if they're not challenged to understand how they're making their partner feel. They need to at least soften their emotional walls. That might be good enough
Dont mind me, just dropping timestamps for me later:
12:00-15:57 personal neediness
15:58 - 17:34 effects on partner
17:35 - 18:55 cause and affect
19:45 - 21:17 step one to fixing neediness
21:18 - 27:22 staying or leaving
27:22 - 28:30 leading and problem solving
28:30 - 29:48 self reflection and making the partner feel safe, secure, and attracted
29:49 - 33:46 skill, questioning your choice in partner, and negotiation with your partner
Thank you
MVP
Thanks a lot !
Thank you 🙏🏾
lol
Sir, you make me feel like the dumbest, meanest, most selfish looser in the world, at times, and I can't express just how grateful I am for being shown this and how bad I been screwing up. You have proved me wrong multiple times and told me how it actually is. While watching your videos, often times I feel like you are reading my biography. You are so clear and make complete sense. The information I learned from you is priceless and I thank you from the bottom of my heart! Have a great day sir!
And add some compassion in there for yourself. We're all on a learning curve. It's wonderful you get to experiment with doing something a little differently now. Good for you to have the courage and openness to see the patterns that no longer serve you. Keep at it!
Yess I agree!!!
This video is truly a gift. Thank you so much. I plan to watch as much of you as I can because this information is pure gold and I don't think I would have received it anywhere else. You're saving lives. And I've only seen two of your videos.
@@randomadviceguy1780 agree with you completely
That's exactly how I feel watching it, except I don't feel I'm dump 😅 I feel like finally someone gets me, and this is were I can start heal, and that there are loads of us in the same boat
I wasted 16 years in a relationship with someone who didn't meet my emotional needs but the cold hard fact is its my fault for not calling it quits back when I was 19 years old.
…exact same thing happened to me but it’s only been 11(?) years and I was in my late twenties.
I have really, really, tried. I think my ex’s problem is the drug use. They can’t have normal emotional states cause they drink, smoke weed, and take tranquilizers…
And you have this dopaminergic maximizing culture that reinforces selfishness
Maybe grow up and meet your own emotional needs, you are an adult after all?
Same here. I’ve done it with 4 different people…
I have learned not to say anything because I would either get attacked or ignored; therefore, as a result I am losing attraction and desire for this person and constant dissatisfaction with the situation. It may not be healthy on my part, however this person is dismissive avoidant which is resulting in my falling out of love. If you are unhappy w someone, and conscious you may be somewhat codependent, it does not prevent us from falling out of love. I may be damaged but my partner is worse. Others have met my needs; therefore I know it is possible.
Lisa Car this is the worse
It becomes harder to let go of an emotionally unavailable person when they pretended to be “normal” for a long time and we become attached to them, by the time their true colors start to show, we already have built (what we thought was) a relationship with them. It’s difficult to detach once you’re to that point, and makes it so painful because they’re finally letting you know they aren’t the person they pretended to be. This is what happened to me. I fell in love with a ghost, just a Spector of who he pretended to be. It’s devastating to know you fell in love with an act, not a person.
maclose woah you so hit the nail on the head with this.
I'm in this situation. I can't talk to this person about my own feelings. Even if its not about them they have no idea how to comfort me.
Same here. Mine is dismissive avoidant and they literally don’t know what to do with emotional connection or emotional intimacy.
I am normal.
However, it’s very hard to maintain secure attachments with an avoidant.
We cant disregard intuition and the disconnect coming from someone who cant reciprocate emotions. The having you guessing and feeling on the edge as if its you, and when asked they say it's nothing. No one should have to dim their light to suit a person who does not seem this way at a beginning of a relationship but over time sets into their ways. (yet we picked them) They never show their true self which is why they are emotional avoidant. They fear being they self. Best thing to do is leave. When you have questions unanswered, emotions not met, attraction not reciprocated, etc.
Absolutely. Well said
Allen is saying that we need to own our needs and learn to cope at times with comforting ourselves when our partner is unavailable. Then to learn non critical ways of asking to have our needs met. None of us is going to be able to meet a partners needs all the time. That’s a realistic fact if human relationships.
However, if the partner is incapable of, or consistently unwilling, to help us get our needs met, we may need to determine whether or not it is a healthy relationship for us. He’s not saying we shouldn’t have needs or should be satisfied with a partner who fails to be emotionally available too frequently.
Lovely summary. Thanks!!!!!
Thank you for this explanation... I was confused.
He's also describing what happens with my borderline personality disorder. I could never explain it. I have a void in my heart from abusive parents and I constantly want my partners to fill that hole. Only they cant. Because it's not possible. I have to heal me. My emotional state is constantly fluctuating. I never learned how to regulate them, only to push them away or ignore them. My parents were abusive so I was never comforted when bad things happened to me and I wasn't physically safe with them so everything was unstable growing up. And my illness is constantly seeking out comfort, reassurance, and love. I didn't realize it but yes I see now that I throw a fit when they don't comfort me. First, they don't know what's wrong. Second, it's not a possible task. Third, it's horribly unfair to expect a partner to repair my trauma. 😬😭😳 I never saw it that way until now. Thank heavens I saw this now before I ruined my current relationship with my expectations. We have had episodes because of my illness. I really have to be aware of what I'm doing.
Thank you so much for this video!!
Exactly!!
@@majormoku yes, I'm also confused from this RUclips video.
No.you don't choose people like that :) if your partner is not empathetic towards you. You leave
Amen!
Omg!!! You have helped me more than my therapist!!!! I'm blown away at how you seemed to know exactly what he and I are going through!!
@@emailjosie39 So what happened? Was it a marriage or longterm relationship?
Right!! My first therapist literally just sat and talked about herself and the other one just let me talk and doesn’t say anything. Haha, and here is this wonderful guy on RUclips helping me without even having a conversation with me 😂 the ironic
Yesssss I was saying the same thing! Now it’s how to get up and out of this thing. If I keep listening to him I will. I’m tired of depending on him to make happy not realizing I’m depending on him way to much! It’s me!!!!!
When someone is wanting emotionally connected in a romantic relationship or marriage I don't feel it is our own personal problem that we need to learn to comfort ourselves. I do agree that it is very important at how we respond verses reacting but no it takes two people to make a relationship work for both people. I don't think this qualifies as attachment distress.
idk but maybe he was speaking from a model similar to stan tatkins, that self-regulation is a prequisite for co-regulation
Agree!
"we seek comfort at any cost" this just broke me. so very true
Glad this spoke to you. Thanks for the comment.
This speaks to what happens when we're triggered in relationships. You may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. To learn more take the quiz:
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Yes, hes right. Your partner lacks attunement and you require it. The problem is when you force it from your partner out of anxiety rather than accept it and either be okay with it or move on. You are not wrong for needing attunement in a relationship for satisfaction. In fact that's completely normal. Its not wrong to feel frustrated or unheard. Whats wrong is telling your partner they are wrong for not being able to do it.
Thank you for this brilliant summary!
So how do you discuss the elephant in the room, without discussing the elephant in the room? I think this psychologist/commentator is unrealistic about the dynamics of a real relationship. Of course we will ‘act out’ when our basic needs are ignored! We don’t co-exist in clinical settings where we read textbooks to each other! Jeez already.
@createone100 you choose a partner that has the qualities you want vs trying to extract them from the person you picked that doesnt have it in them
22:39: Thanks, but no thanks. This dynamic is not what I'm searching for. You're a good person, I'm a good person but we've got to stop.
Amen!
Just realized a few days ago that I have been stuck in such a dynamic with an on and off partner for years, and that its a cycle perpetuated by attachment trauma. I've been projecting onto him my own needs and realized that I have ZERO tools to manage the intense anxiety, rejection, triggers and so much pain and suffering. I have finally figured out that I needed to re-parent myself and self-soothe so that I am able to connect and communicate from a place of compassion and kindness. Its all a learning curve. Thank you for your informative videos Alan!
I'd need to do the same for myself. Do you have any tips how to reparent yourself?
ok but then what happened with him what did you do
@@rosieone4533 I actually took time off relationships completely to heal. I've been celibate since and it's been a couple of years now. I've never been happier and healthier 😌
@@Miss_Tatti thank you for reposting and sharing
I feel like such a fool, I can’t believe my expectations for my ex fiancé were so high. While all I had to do was get myself together and find my own tools for coping instead of expecting my ex to comfort me in my extreme distress... smh I’m so glad I know now & I’ll definitely make sure I don’t repeat the same cycle! (This is one of the videos that changed my mind COMPLETELY)
But here’s the thing, too...don’t fall into the trap of rushing in to blame yourself, least of all to comfort SOMEONE ELSE. Don’t “fill in the distance” or emotional gap with your over the top caretaking of THEIR emotions. Because as he mentions repeatedly, your partner may have been purposely withholding, distancing, and doing their own part in creating that familiar dynamic for themselves as well.
Definitely learn your own coping and self-soothing, but DON’T tell yourself that you’re foolish for having needs. We all have needs. If one person’s constantly get met while yours go by the wayside (again) for a crumb of recognition, you aren’t imagining things. You DON’T need to try to berate yourself into not having needs and just “cope” your needs away. They need to meet you halfway. Not at their 5 yard line. HALFWAY.
So get yourself to where you’re capable of meeting someone halfway AND STAY THERE (where it’s stable) without devolving into 100% “help me cope now, distress” or “there’s distress, it’s easier to run over to your needs and deal with those instead, fuck mine” mode. And don’t berate yourself for being human. So many people are in this boat. It’s not weird or uncommon. If he knew you well enough to ask you to marry him only to later tell you that he found your needs unacceptable, he had issues too and it wasn’t just you. Please remember that and don’t take away from this that something is wrong with you and he was just fine.
I agree with you! It's all so complex!
There is a balance between admittedly owning my side of the street/ self care and being emotionally manipulated by an unearthly person.
Same here. My mind is blown right now that I was the cause of the end of most of my relationships. Wow...
I sabotaged every relationship I was in until I worked thru this issue with a therapist. I’m grateful I woke up or else I’d be making every partner responsible for my happiness which is impossible. Therapy works
That's true. When I don't trust my partner it's about me and not him. I have to ask myself: "What's wrong with me if I choose to be with partner that I cannot trust?" "Why do I choose to be with someone who does not feel trustworthy? " He is a free person and is not obligated to do what I wish. He can be a liar if he wants to. He can intentionally or unintentionally withdraw himself if he chooses to? But why do I have a problem with people being who they are? I could just make instead a new conclusion that situation has changed and does not fit my goals. So, I need to leave the situation and find me a better place instead of blaming somebody else for the situation that does not satisfy me. I should know I deserve somebody who makes me feel good and go for it instead of coming after somebody who can't satisfy me just to blame them. . . .
bingo. You got in touch with what's up.
Omg, you explained beautifully. I never thought about it in this way. We can't be the victim if we know we are staying. We are the ones permitting this behavior towards us, not them. Thank you for this perspective.
Absolutely true
That one took a long time for me to learn, too. For me, it was because of anger and feelings of betrayal because the emotional needs not being met were discussed and mutually promised to each other at the beginning of the relationship. The problems started about 2 years after marriage. I saw it all as a "him" problem for not keeping his word, and for being hypocritical in expecting me to keep my promises while breaking his. I kept trying to "teach" him emotional intelligence, instead of accepting who he is, and that if I couldn't live with double standards, I needed to end the marriage. I will never waste time on a relationship like that again.
Once when my ex husband rolled his eyeballs at me, I knew at that moment I was done
Esther Hecker hi Esther I love how you put it . Once I seen how my daughter rolled her eyes on me I knew right there and then . I lost any respect as a mother .we know she have borderline Npd . But never the less.....the eyes rolling was my .......wow the penny has dropped. ❤love from me to u
When anyone rolls their eyeballs at me when I'm speaking, they need to re-think their 'thinking'...they're usually brainwashed already.
Steve Flores your ignorance to this topic is unbelievable.
😂😂😂 I roll my eyes all the time. It’s because people think they can tell me something and I’ll do it. Little do they know I will not. My eye roll says you are so wrong 😂
Charity Kings - eye rolling can’t be done to everybody. Later in life the invoices will come
listened to this while crying my eyes out. Needed to hear this though
me too
Same.
I feel the same 😭
i hope you are well sweetie. i have the same right now
Sending love to you
This video almost felt like you went into my head and pulled out my thoughts. Thank you for showing me a different method of thinking and improvement
"That's who ya picked!" lol...
These videos are brutally honest, which is what most of us probably need.
Sounds brutal ("that's who ya picked"), but it can't be accurate unless you've lived with that person for a long enough time. Long enough for them to exhibit this behaviour . Most everyone starts with puppy love / limerence then they commit then they learn to love. In a long term relationship there are more variables such as attachment theory . We present in love they only way we know how. Still everyone can do better by being empathetic, someone has to be willing and diligent enough to push past the pathology that we all have. I agree, that's who ya picked, but it sounds worse than it really is because you don't learn about this until you willing to recognize it. Some honeymoon phases can last 5yrs.
Rachel that cracked me up too. I really needed the honestly in this video.
Or like in my situation, you could have picked someone who was lying about important things like personal values, religious beliefs and money... then found out 5 1/2 years into a relationship that, no, I didn’t actually pick him, I picked the act, the person he had pretended to be the whole time, because he was more concerned with keeping up with his outward image than he ever was about actually loving me.
U picked someone that was loving and available towards u at first. People change. So it being who u picked essentially means nothing. People change.
I personally find the brutal 'honesty' almost cruel. Comes off, to me, as very judgemental and saying just take care of yourself. Like a 30 kinute sermon on hiw wrong you've been for trying to get your needs met in the only way you knew how. I'm glad it worked for some of you though. I need much more sensitivity and compassion, had a lifetime of criticism and harshness.
Sir, you are a genius. The effort you put into choosing the right words is tremendous! You make sure that people don't feel like monsters for acting the way they do in this particular scenario, but still manage to be clear on the importance of taking responsibility for how WE feel and to not throw the burden on others. Great job!
At the end of the day. Either you put in all the effort, or its over. Noone will change for you, even if they abused your trust, thats the sad fact.
Alan, I watched my mother emotionally and mentally beat my father down while growing up. I do not what to model this in my own relationship and home. It's amazing how much we have to resist acting in a way we were raised with. Thank you for calling me on my BS.
My mother did the same to my dad, I resent her for that. I'm starting to resent my husband too.
I say bye, bye to someone like this. I don't expect what they can't give, I just want more and if I don't feel that the other person is doing or sharing in a healthy way after trying to communicate this to them, I am moving down the highway. Done. No more. Years later, you see they are the same person they always were, no growth what so ever. Forget it, you did the right thing by moving on with your life without them in it. Stop the madness already and that is exactly what it is, madness.
absolutely. That's what I decided to do with mine. Oh I didn't want to, she basically forced me to. She's like can't we be friend? (I'm wondering...you think we're friends?!?! this is how you treat a friend?)
I admire you Ruby. I will do the same very soon too. Enough is enough.
@@ebutuoywrw don't think it would get better as ”friends” either.
@@juliejay5436 exactly... thanks for this
wow this video gave an incredibly clear insight into why my last relationship did not work out. My gut feelings had always told me the dynamic of the relationship was off. Now looking back, it became quite clear that the dynamic of demanding - avoidance was what pushed my partner away or shut him down, he was not willing to engage. I finally understood why communication eventually shut down between me and my partner due to mismatch of the availability of emotional engagement and that he was not willing to communicate further or put in the work to meet me halfway to work out the solution so we parted. I came to terms with the fact that we were not compatible in the long run and some things simply cannot be fixed. Thank you for this awesome video that shed light into a very important part of relationship dynamics that make or break the relationship!
Our partners are supposed to tell us we are beautiful and emotionally fulfill us. Otherwise why be in a relationship.
I didn’t give this emotional rollercoaster game too much time. Everything was great in the beginning, he then gradually pulled away by the 4 month mark. By then I knew that it’s not going to change. I said to myself.. If he’s not wanting to see me more than once or twice a week, if he’s not showing the affection he used to, if all he does is finding errors and oddities in me, if he constantly talks about himself but never asks me about anything, if he’s only present in my life in a very superficial way, then I need to move on, this is not the kind of compromise I’m ok with, no matter how hard it will be to say goodbye, no matter how much I will struggle afterwards. I do understand that no one is going to be “perfect”. But I also now see that there’s an extremely fine line between compromise and incompatibility and it’s on us, only on us to decide where that line is!
best comment i've seen! This is exactly what happened with me. I didn't give mine too much time either... came on strong, by week 6 was bare minimum effort... texted me every day but low effort texts. ended that. it's better this way!
Absolutely agree with everything you said.
Holy guacamole… you just described my 6 month blindsided breakup with a avoidant to a
T
She was back on Tinder looking to hook up within HOURS because apparently that’s easier than investing lol
@@LizNeptuneagree! Best comment
I am going through this now... I have a constant heaviness in my chest that something is not right and my SO doesn't understand whats wrong. He said he is trying his best and the more I try to create connection I feel like I lose him more. I don't know if he just doesn't love me the way I need or if i am crazy? Why is it so hard to feel this connection strongly I feel distrust and like I am chasing and that makes me mad at myself. I have lost weight I cannot sleep I ruminate on things he says or doesn't say. I have been in relationships before where the love was there and I didn't feel this way. I feel confused like I am not up there in priority. Driving me nutty
I just ended mine because she didn’t care even I told her I m hurt and wanted to end the relationship. She was happy to accept it and act as cruel as she can be giving me hugs and kiss emoji like she is laughing at my wound
:/ same things are happening with me. When i need the most love aften hes is not there. It's ao painful. He says he needs time but deep in his mind he hopes that i will al alright on my own. :/ but becaome more ressentful caz i spend my days crying. Waiting for him to make me feel love. But no nothing. :/ so feel so mad at myself.. Expecting things which is never happen😐 i m always alone when i need him. I don't know how to explain him.. :/ i m in so much pain. As i know he will not do anything. I took a break from him.. Hoping he will understand. But guess what he is gkvinv me space😅😅i have been crying for days. Then after days of crying all of a sudden he will appear hoping me to act normal. How could i act normal!!?? :/ i m in lost of pain guys help me
@@leoadventures1050
@@leoadventures1050 She sounds like she has strong narcissistic traits.
Or dismissive avoidant. Emotionally, unavailable? How are things now?
Extremely helpful.. my nervous system has been severely affected by neglect , abandonment, can't trust a soul. I was actually this very trusting person so much of my life. Now I have very high walls. Yes I see my resentment issues because of it. It's affected my health for years. I can't keep blaming my childhood and live like this. I have this attitude that it's best to just be numb and not feel anything. I was very much an Empath but I was able to snap out of it and stop feeling peoples feelings. I once had friends but no more. I was very much a feeling woman and it's like she died in me.
I'm sorry.
Really, Im going through the same thing, but I know it cn be healed.
And some people look at being kind and soft as weakness and they will further take advantage of it. Going through life as a whiney, vascillating wimp is a recipe for disaster. One NEEDS to be firm or “rigid” about values and boundaries. Anything else can be dangerous. Most people don’t notice or wake up about their shortcomings or failings UNTIL it’s met with rigidness.
@@KB-ih5gf Good for you and I agree. And btw...I'm not sure if the author of this video can erase comments or not but I left 3 more comments directly on this video and they are no longer visible! I was saying it seems as though he's blaming the victim which is wrong and hurtful. Not everyone is the same throughout a relationship and someone can be open and kind at first and then do a 180 and completely change. I took offense to this guy in the video saying "you picked them"! As if we would've "picked" a jerk and it's our fault if we're treated badly. Ridiculous. Anyway, It looks as though he deleted my comments where I address that 🤔
I have never heard anything more accurate. Thank you. I've been in no contact for 5 and a half weeks. Part of me wants to send him this video. But I don't know if I should. I really miss him. But I don't miss the anxiety of wanting more from him.
I'm in the same boat. I personally don't feel that I was asking a lot by needing emotional support, BUT I do feel that I could've been more compassionate to his inability to provide it. I do feel a bit of pang of guilt about that. For as much as we were compatible with every that was a big one that we weren't. So I get that for as much as I miss him and want to reach out I don't miss feeling guilty about possibly overwhelming him/giving him anxiety anytime I asked for anything (even simple things like, I had a bad day and I just want to call you and tell you about it). Am I asking for too much or too little?
Kel did he break up with you? If so remain in no contact. He knows what you want and if he wants that too, and you relationship was good, you may hear from him eventually. If not then he wasn’t worth your time to begin with. If you broke up with him and believe you can accept that he may not be able to give you what you want (even if you ask nicely) then contact him and have the talk. It’s really about being true to yourself about what you want for yourself. I always say that being true to yourself is the hardest thing in life to do, but it gets easier the more you do it. Just my 2 cents. I’m no expert but am going through something very similar. We’ll get through it!
You know what I don’t understand. Is when you’re falling in love & getting to know this person, how they do meet your emotional needs, then they become absent once in a solidified relationship, I feel like they did a u turn.
Those are the EXACT words I used - "step up to the plate!" Not well received. 💚🕊💚🕊💚🕊💚🕊💚
How can I trust a person who has limited emotional availability ? How should I view them, I want to see them as a good person, a person that is kind and good hearted but whenever I see evidence of their distance, it just seems like they dont care, which makes it seem like not really a good person after all.
Trust who people show you they are. Know your worth. It sounds like you’re trusting or loving someone for their potential. I was doing that too.. but if someone consistently shows you they aren’t a good person, or consistently don’t listen, or consistently show bad things, take a step back and really evaluate why you’re there. It’s a hard pill to swallow but we can’t change people, people are who they are until THEY want to change.. so if they show you they’re someone who you do not like. WALK AWAY. Value yourself above all else. I hope this helps
Oh, man! Relationships are so complex :(
I KNOW I need and deserve emotional connection and for my needs to be met
Yeah? Well I’ve been making him feel safe for over 30 years!!
I believe it is perfectly normal to express to your partner the level of discontent. It is not ok to start blaming them, however to express the level of distress is a must. And that is the beginning to where the partner will either open up or shut down even more. I grew up in this particular dynamic and that showed me truth about our relationship.
To try to change the person we should not however to express to them- completely and honestly what we feel is the starting point. Don't shut yourself down for the sake of the relationship because it wont' last anyway, be honest and always. Another words, own frequency must meet same frequency otherwise there will always be a conflict. We can't temper with the ways universe works.
I totally agree. I always calmly speak to him and be as positive with him but now I'm happier living as a housemate with him.
19:34 is where he starts talking about the solution. All the content of this video is descriptively on point and so important but self responsibility is the first step to getting our needs met.
Another way to describe the solution is that self responsibility gets us out of victim role and we can choose to get off the drama triangle at that point.
“That’s who you picked “ 😂😂😂😂
I screamed
Damn!
😂😂😂❤️❤️❤️
Alan..Your videos are extraordinary..I have been in therapy for a long time but never has anyone said things the way you do.It is both wise and restorative....
Absolutely impeccable, insightful, and radically honest. Your videos are so helpful when I’m spiraling within my relationship. I feel less alone, less confused, less bitter, more compassionate, more self-reflective, and more empowered to communicate in a healthy way that doesn’t involve accusations and blame.
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my effort.
If this video is helpful then you may also be interested in getting in on our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I gotta stop Looping...! I'm shook at how spot on you are!!!!!
Wow, I just broke up with my girlfriend. I explained seven times that I dont like and wont be with someone that continues with a certain behavior. It was useless so, I ended it..
Me too..Its so sad when you try to warn them That your not happy with their behaviours..They usually don't see it until its gone
U ain't gonna be the only one! Except some have been in this longer!
I get this, it makes a lot of sense, thank you. My question is around the moment of the trigger, what steps can I take to soothe myself? When my partner withdrew emotionally or rejected intimacy, it was so painful it felt like something impaled my chest. And so just knowing that I should take responsibility for that pain and soothe it myself doesn’t change anything, I’m in such pain that all I want is relief from it and so there isn’t logic at that moment, and the easiest source of relief seems to be from intimacy from my partner. What are practical things I can do to soothe myself and my inner child myself in those moments? All semblance of knowledge and logic disappears and so I’m asking about practical action steps which can be taken in those exact moments. Because even in a good relationship, there’ll be some times when your partner isn’t as present emotionally as you’d like in a given moment. And if you have an anxious attachment style, that’ll be a trigger. How does one soothe oneself in that moment?
This is the question that needs answering. The trigger moment & feeling the withdrawal & rejection as if something has impaled your chest, what do you do right there & then? The moment you fall off that cliff, how do you get back up. 31 years into my relationship & I have yet to figure that one out.
I was recently ghosted and I figured out that the frustration of why he cut me off is similar to the feeling my mother gives me by being distant and resistant to hear my feelings or acknowledge her part in my injury.
Then some days I don’t even know what my emotional needs are
💖💕
This is a brilliant video. I have been so guilty of this and making ex partners wrong. Believe me it didn’t work. I chose people who could not meet my needs, and then made them wrong, which made things worse. It wasn’t until I started looking at my own behaviour that things started to shift. I think there are many of us who need to hear this message over and over.
One of the best videos I’ve ever watched! Definitely helped give me insight on past relationships! I used to definitely lead the wrong way but I’ve also tried leading with my own lack with partners, who couldn’t meet me back and I foolishly stayed to avoid the “abandonment” knowing deep down we were incompatible! Yikes! You’ve laid a lot on the table for me! I’ve been single these past 3 years and celibate to make sure I heal and fix things that I haven’t been addressed 👌🏾 thanks so much for this! 💜
I get what you’re saying but my partner was emotionally unavailable and I couldn’t go on blaming myself for his lack of attention and affection. I left him and learned my own propensity for co dependence. My new partner and I communicate very effectively and have no problems in this area. Could be that I learned better coping mechanisms or that I picked a better man or both!
Thanks for engaging in this content. I'm glad to hear you're exploring communicating emotional needs in relationships. It's helpful to understand the different coping mechanisms people learned to rely on. I recently created a course on this. To learn more take The Attachment Distress Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Yes, since I nurture myself, I don't need a relationship anymore. 🙂
I didn't choose her rather she'd reached out to me after years of tensions. Few weeks in, already noticing patterns;hot cold, etc. Wish I'd seen this video earlier. Reached out few times, jokingly, aggressive and non aggressive ways. Eventually had to let go. Loved her ❤ but she was doing things to my CNS I never felt before. 😢
He's emotionally unavailable 6 out of 7 days. I ask for affection, attention, I'm told, asking for it makes him not want to give me any.
Not happy! 😔
@Ella i think thats what my situation is too........avoidant and virtually just not that into me.......so why did he bother and marry me?
My ex gf ( just broke up) was emotionally avoidant and not wanting physical intimacy with me. I thought I would try to understand her and make her feel my love and affection will change her but no she won’t and I told her how I feel she just completely ignored me and pretend nothing happened and I got even angrier . I don’t see how this will work if I Don get any emotional connection or affection from my partner. I can work on myself but still she was the wrong person for me . I think these type will always be in toxic relationships or in relationship without love
How about just leaving and then working on resolving our own issues whilst alone. And one day when we are well try and find someone emotionally healthy or just stay alone.
Ella Nola triggers appear mainly in intimate relationships so when you don't have a "partner" you may be "asympthomatic" and then you meet someone and most probably this things bubble up anyways.
I do agree that after any break up, taking a few years to heal is the wise thing to do. Jumping into another relationship shortly after breaking up, is a very bad idea.
Laura Herrera I agree. Have been single for many years thought I was doing fine. Yeah right 👀 Now in a relationships, all sorts of fears pop up. It’s a wonderful way to heal if we are able to talk
although cocreated, I totally hurt my ex. I realize now, that he's long gone, how very hard he tried, and how messed up I was.
Try to forgive yourself. Sounds like you were hurting then. Hopefully they will feel your remorse somehow or have healed from it.
SEYIABI1 I agree, we need to give ourselves a break once in a while. This was mutual issue.
Thank you dear friend , for the love and care you give to all of us . Wish the world had more good people like you and others kind ones on RUclips . Thank you so much from me .
Dang. I’m speechless. Lay it down! You are phenomenal. I love the use of your vocabulary.
you are killing me with the Truth 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Absolutely impeccable timing on this topic. Shame on me for putting my partner through hell for the past two years by focusing on what he's not been doing as a fearful-avoidant. I feel like the demanding girl child to his passive schoolboy. Well well, a much needed reminder that I need to work on myself. As you said, we need to work on ourselves and once we know what our needs and limitations are, to exit or accept what is, not what can be.
Jul ofDenial WELL said!
Jul ofDenial very well put ! same here x
It's a struggle when you weren't loved unconditionally. When you weren't validated or even really heard. Don't be too hard on yourself. You feel bad because you're a good person. The important thing is you're trying now. "Nobody's perfect," as they say. I know the type of pain you might be feeling. I know it's hard.
it's crappy because I am the one be driven off by my partner. He won't be open when I try to get things out in the open but it's suddenly is all my fault. I don't care, I don't want to abandon him. We both struggle together. At the same time. I and he knows I don't have normal social growth but it's agonizing to to me since I really have so little I ask for. I just believe at this point it's a symbolic form of him finally trusting me. Though I know it probably will never happen. :(
Ironically I choose something intended to create bonds between us. and he finds my request to be something that can only be done when he is comfortable disregarding the lengths of discomfort I must take to make him comfortable. Only to then be told I am distant, and he is uncomfortable again.... I am so screwed hahaha, oi ve. why did I have to become an artist 😐😱😩
Jul ofDenial you could still be working on yourself and not feel guilty of treating your partner like this . After all it actually takes two to clap!
Alan I have a question. I do wanna learn how to sooth myself that emotional connection is being denied. But ultimately, if this is a recurring thing with my partner, withholding connection. Shouldn’t I move on?
Yes you should.
This is extremely confusing. Are you saying that we should choose a partner who is perfect to begin with? It sounds like I should not expect my partner to meet my needs and it's on me.. even though we are in a relationship. This video is such a conflicting message.
What happens when your husband has no emotional connection for you, but seems to have plenty for his BF and any other person who comes along?
I’m so not being fulfilled emotionally in my relationship
Me either. He used to be so amazing and wonderful. Now all he does is prioritize his friends over me. I feel like I've been moved from the top of his list all the way to the bottom. Given, he does talk about me a lot in a positive light to his friends. But guess what? His actions are saying otherwise.
Well, the video said that's our problem. We can ask by first asking them how we might be not be available for them, we can work on ourselves and then we can decide logically if we're compatible for our relationship. I'm not. I state clearly in the moment what I want and it's small like hugs and he's dismissive and withholding, the work work I do on me the more I can see I deserve better and need more.
if its our problem they can't relate, we can run. FCK them
🌟 MORNING STAR⭐️ me either. Almost 40 years. (I always loved that . “Morning Star”. So beautiful.)
I think maybe this video is talking about people who need to be comforted over every little thing. Not, people who are being withheld HUGS from their partner. Not even judging when I say that, the last year of my last relationship, we didn’t touch, hug, kiss, sleep on the same floor, etc, so I get it ☹️
Sounds like your guy is keeping up appearances when he talks so highly of you but can’t spend half a second touching you. Alcoholic parent? Emotionally cold parent? That’s my ex’s issue. Alcoholic emotionally distant father he desperately sought the approval of, “overbearing” “too-loving” mother (she’s actually quite normal, just deprived) he inherited all his father’s shit opinions of. Sigh.
Wait, so it is a false expectation to have towards the partner that they will meet my emotional needs? Meaning, I should not have any emotional need expectation from the partner? I'm confused.
"Expectations are the root of all heartache" Shakeaspeare
Oracle of Omaha i think it's more about knowing when we're not getting anywhere with a partner and working towards honoring ourselves instead of continuing the same behaviors that result in a cycle
phoenix rising "Desire is the cause of all suffering" Buddha Gautama
So is attachment. But relationships inherently require some attachment. We depend on each other in a relationship, but if you have anxious trauma, then your dependency needs can come at the expensive of the relationship itself.
The book "Attached" basically says if you are anxious, don't hook up with avoidant types, because that cycle will trigger itself forever, and neither person's needs will be met. It's important to know your weaknesses, know your needs, And to continue to work on yourself, so you can choose a partner who complements you those ways.
YOU SIR ARE AWESOME !!! I love your passion for the human condition and it's obvious to me you're in the right profession. Love your style, love your fearlessness ... would be so much fun to have you as a "bestie". Failing that, no doubt I'll be tuning in to enjoy what you have to share on a regular basis. :p
Wow... I'm going through this right now. Recently I was triggered by a situation where I felt rejected and disconnected. I made it all about me, and my feelings. I'm a fearful avoidant attachment style. He is a dismissive avoidant I believe. Anyway, after my emotional outburst, I realized that it wasn't his fault that I was feeling that way, eventhough his behavior triggered my attachment wounds. I apologized and asked that if it happened again, could he just tell me to be quiet and give me a hug? I realize that I'm attracted to emotionally unavailable men, because I am also emotionally unavailable to a degree. It's like when I feel connected to him, I'm calm and dare I say...happy. He seems to be very uncomfortable when I feel the most safe and comfortable with him. Alternatively, when I am hurting and feeling disconnected, he seems to be very comfortable and happy... that is, until I react in an emotional way. It seems to be a cruel joke at times. Thankyou. I needed to hear this today.
Sounds just like me and my man. I’m gay btw
... and by the 1000th time, the breast cancer has been detected...
This is spot on .. thanks for sharing this .. the self evaluation and recognition of when this happens. Never saw this in this way. Hypersensivity.. is a curse. You share some very interesting ideas..It always comes back to our own discomfort and what we need to look at internally.
After seeing this video I can’t see the difference between a husband and a roommate... anyway, my husband was very communicative before the wedding and after that, he started to withdraw. I tried to connect and didn’t worked so I read somewhere that what I needed to do is to start having my own life without him (of course, no cheating). I went shopping or to the movies by myself or some friends, enrolled again in the university.... It took a while until he finally noticed that I was so happy without counting on him that he worried that I could leave him so then he started to reach me again.
So happy for you!
I think it's sad and frustrating that it takes all that....😡 ... prolly why im struggling with misandry
You go girl. Clever!
Thanks you all for your comments. God bless you
Nice work!! That’s the best course of action that we can take as women
I've just run across your videos and I'm finding them so compassionate and so helpful. In couples therapy several years ago our therapist told me I need to get my emotional needs met elsewhere if I wasn't getting them from my husband. On some level it was the best and worst thing a therapist has said to me.
I did manage it in many ways. I've found a bit of backbone and learned to communicate my needs more compassionately like you've described. Yet still feel indescribably lonely in my own home. I have great friends and a great life outside here, but just feel empty in my marriage.
I watched another video first that really allowed me to validate my needs as real and it's the first time I realized it. I think I took my counselors words to mean I could expect nothing from him and to be able to make myself happy anyways. I think this video has really cleared this up for me. Now we just need to figure out if he is capable of the connection and vulnerability I need or if I need to move on.
Ah, this sucks. I love him and don't want to hurt him, but I'm finally loving myself enough to realize I do need more and he may not be able to be that for me. I hope however this goes he can learn that he is enough on his own, too. Even if we decide we aren't compatible.
So I am sitting here in my pain, no longer blaming them for it nor expecting them to be there, so now what lol. Just "alone"?
This channel is a gold mine for gaining greater self-awareness & insight in order to heal our attachment wounds. Thank you for your support in this sometimes tumultuous journey!
A relationship is a two-way street. If one party is putting in all the effort and time while the other is checked out, the relationship is driving down the fast lane to failure. My partner is being emotionally distant at the moment in the way that he spends more time with his friends than he does with me. I need to be more firm and communicate how I'm feeling.
Yeah if it doesn't awake, launch it towards the center of the galaxy for a better chance at enlightenment.
Why I hate people like him I feel like he is blaming the person who feels the disconnection it isn't both need to be held responsible for their action or lack there of.
Thank you! I never realized I was doing this! You explained it in a way that made me understand what I was doing. Everything you said is me. I can now work on my hypersensitivity and be stable. At 52 it is about time!❤
Wish I had you 20 yrs ago! Great video with the full 360 view from defining the issue to offering us a path forward. Thank you for adding info about how to handle this in a healthy way. So good to have skill building information. Thank you Alan so very much!
So basically in a nutshell, if you're not getting your needs met just leave the relationship? Because I wasn't really hearing an alternative. Ok. Self regulate the way you ask..but if your ask still falls on dear ears..then what??
I guess the follow up question we are all asking is "does someone out there actually exist that WILL be emotionally available?" Or should we all just get used to not having our needs met all the time...
@@elizardw4900I think that is why we stay with emotionally unavailable partners. Because we’re scared we won’t meet anyone else and then we’d be even more alone.
We shouldn't get to the point that we are starved of affection in a relationship.If we are, then naturally we will question wether our partner feels anything for us or not.
It is a basic human need to feel loved.To find the person who we know loves us, feel loves us..If we don't recieve signs of been loved and the relationship is empty then what us the point of been with that person.
We shouldn't need to change.If the partner doesn't love us then we are with the wrong person and just want to know that so we can move on and not throw our lives away with the wrong one.
you are so on point its scary
A-mazing! This is so accurate...and helpful! I am recovering from 12 years in this "grid lock" .... Your description here allows me to have so much more compassion for myself, and my ex partner, as we separate our lives.
I'm just gonna be a hermit.
In my failing relationships, I learned that even though they can possibly do me wrong, I still know the main problem was me not SPEAKING UP. I need to learn to speak about what's on my mind. The other person may not understand but at least I spoke the transparent truth and I can live stress free with that.Then..what ever happen,happens.
I'm learning this...
Ummm no. This is why you leave therapy to therapists. While the barriers to dialogue may be true in some cases, the very case of declaring needs not met is foundational to any relationship.
Yet the moment a man does this to a woman she loses respect and attraction. You'd be better off making her jealous (also unhealthy).
@@jloren4647 no I believe as men speak German and women speak French we as men must always learn the words or language of love that gets our needs met
Summary: It’s not them, it’s you
Dear Alan this is so spot on! I have read many 'Advice columns' where it seems they encourage you to make demands 'if they are not good enough for you and don't meet your needs then ditch them!' You give well founded intelligent insights and I am so glad I found you. We need to work on ourselves first! Needless to say I am doing just that! :)
omg, I absolutely have an emotional tempertantrum with him. That's me "I NEED MORE AND I NEED YOU TO GIVE IT TO ME" OMG how immature!!!! I say horrific things out of fear and anger. I protest, I demand. He gets scared. We fall apart for 3 months... we return. 10 years of this. .... 10 YEARS of this cycle...
Wow. I appreciate your vulnerability and honesty.
Im the Anxious attachment person that was with an avoidant attachment person.
Me too This was 1of the most TRAMATIC RELATIONSHIPS IVE EVER HAD. AND IT WAS ONLY FOR 4 months. Devasting...
@@hannypearson3780 ditto (but less time)
I was anxious her the avoidant. Really not a fun dynamic. You really feel lonelier than alone. It's like they are happy for you just being there....no need to talk....as avoidants usually say.
Hi Alan, thank you for the video. I have become a little confused on the way of healing attachment injury. I started out avoidant and a bit of a loner, and perfectly comfortable soothing myself. Then the belief in my wellness community seemed to be that communicating was important, showing up authentically when distressed was important, that giving people the chance to be there when you were upset was important and I tried applying those lessons. However, I feel that this had made me worse, it has made me so codependant that i can't even function, always hoping for comfort from others that I will never receive, and according to this video, must not expect to receive and rather self sooth (please correct me if I'm wrong, or help me understand the nuances, because I dont). Where is the fabled middle ground? Thanks
I am a highly sensitive person and I really appreciate your work! It’s challenging to put this into words but you do it so well. I’m ready to put the work into my own healing! Thank you!
Anyone experience a relationship where the other person is nonchalant even after 8 months? You know that they care but are not feeling it on a deep level. It feels as if the relationship ended today, they would be over it tomorrow.
Ok I get it - you pick the unavailable person - but I must argue that one doesn't know what one doesn't know - I didn't know such a thing as a dismissive avoidant exists - so I was treating them as though they were coming from an internal orientation that was similar to mine - and I walked into land mines. It took ONE time where I engaged in protest behavior and they were gone. Quite frankly I believe in the long run it's to my benefit that it happened when it happened - quite early on - because it caused their exit - and now I know there is this type of person I will forever stay clear of - I would never want to have feelings for a dismissive avoidant again - they are just too volatile and there is just not enough there to make the investment in them worth it
Lucky escape imo
I think this cost me my relationship. Eye opening, I’m not even fully in touch with my own emotions so how can I possibly connect to someone else on this level. Determined to fix this now! Thanks sir!