Hello. My name is "Cameron." Dr. Sage, because of your transparency during your self discovery of (possible) autism, in addition to CPTSD, you've probably saved my life. Thank you. ❤
Dr Kim, I cannot begin to tell you just how valuable and life changing this episode was for me. I am ASD/ADHD/CPTSD, it takes so long for me to process and I spend so much time researching what the heck is going on with me and my relationship. You have probably saved me months/years of confusion and constant frustration. Thank you SO MUCH for this content - I appreciate you sharing your knowledge and your vulnerabilities also. Your personal experiences really help me to identify similar situations in myself. I feel optimistic that this course might give me the clarity and understanding both my partner and I need to save our nearly 30yr relationship🤞 Thank you 🥰
Dr. Kim I have experienced the same pattern. So now we have this second layer of trauma called marriage on top of a painful childhood. What are we learning about ourselves? That every relationship we care about is broken despite our best effort and aspirations? And then we blame ourselves for not knowing something we didn't know as children. I am now convinced that humans are very prone to psychopathology. Where do we go from here?
Thank you, Dr. Kim, for another interesting and thought-provoking video. So I'm wondering, when one has had a traumatic, emotionally neglectful childhood and adulthood, how and what do you change in your subconscious to be able to attract a compatible partner? I have such a habit of attracting unavailable partners that i finally just gave up until I could figure out why it was happening. Guess what? I still haven't figured it out. So what's the trick? And really, what partner would be willing to deal with all the adjustments that would have to be made to help someone that has had a traumatic existence up to that point, be able to be successful in the relationship 🤷♀️. Ok...sorry about the long question, but this topic is just as intriguing as autism and I am curious about the answer to this question. Thank you and will try to tone it down a bit next time. 😊
Honestly, for real, I LOVE when you tell YOUR stories. It's like you're traching math with real numbers, or cooking with actual ingredients (not just generic symbols). Thank you!!
Hi Doc Kim, Thank you so much for sharing your stories and your knowledge . I have to say that its made a huge difference in my Self understanding about my life . i'm 58 and have just realized the last few years just how my childhood has affected my adult life , everything from work to marriage. somehow i've managed to have a great life in many ways but totally fubared in others. in childhood trauma rating I'm probably like a 4 out of five , five being the most traumatic. once again Thank You for being so brave and just simply such a fearless badass person. I truly love what your doing with your youtube channel. Keep up the strong work, Thanks again Johnny :)
THANK YOU, Dr. Kim, this was among the most beautiful videos you have made, and hits all the "high points" very well. Hearing parts of your personal experiences makes it more relatable, and I'm grateful that you take the time to discuss the topics thoroughly; time spent with you hearing your nuanced descriptions is time well spent, so don't worry about the length. There are a lot of "Cameron"s out here, and I certainly recognize all of the influences and behaviors in his story, and yours, plus so many "bonuses", an all-you-can-eat ACES buffet, a little of everything, including some form of neurodivergence, either inherent, physiologically derived from traumatic birth, or remodelling from chronic adverse experiences; maybe all the above, why not, the more the merrier right? I and most neurodivergents would agree that you are correct in your assertion that Autism itself is not the problem, at least not at the more functional end of the spectrum, and that it is adverse experiences and prejudicial expectations of "normal" (the insistence that everyone must be "beautiful", entertaining, and attentive to neurotypical vanity to be worthy of validation, even of existence) is the problem, and I wish more professionals would adopt and teach this obvious truth instead of trying to "cure" individuality. My own experience seemingly has been more extreme than most that I hear, not necessarily because of the severity of childhood events, but likely because of the wide diversity, early exposure, and chronic persistence of psychological threat and injury that led to a very pervasive form of Disorganized attachment that much like yours anchored me in an anxiety-ridden avoidance from a very young age and made me a "little old man" and an Existentialist long before I learned how to spell it- I only discovered the (real-life) descriptions of SzPD and AvPD adaptations about a year ago, at 56, and they fit my life like a pair of latex gloves. I have had few interests, fewer "friends", and only 2 real romantic relationships in my life, the first better than I had ever hoped for until her passing after nearly 23 years together, and the second responsible for my turning to the study of psychology for answers to why it went so wrong, and answers to questions I had not known to ask. Almost all the content available on attachment trauma is couched in the context of romantic relationships, with very little depth surrounding the origins or personal experience of or adaptation to the injury, so it's very difficult for those like me to find anything to really relate to. Your content stands out in this regard, and I hope you will continue to serve this niche with even more attention to the nuances of early attachment trauma with a thought for those of us who want to have some form of "normal" relationships - but just can't , quite yet. I'm curious about your course, and if it is geared to provide enough traction to be of substantive help for someone like me on the extreme end of the CPTSD/"disorder" spectrum who is already very cognitively aware of the reality of my trauma but still struggles with severe emotional dissociation, social avoidance, and related issues, or what you would recommend for someone for whom therapy is not currently an option. Thank you again Dr. Kim, your beautiful, injured soul shines through.
@munozchris100 The short answer is yes. Not that it is unique to us "avoidants," at all, but it is a huge factor. I'm primarily what they call "dismissive avoidant." Ken Reid explains me - and this behaviour type - as well as anyone. Kim is great too. I've heard that 25-50% of people have some form of 'insecure attachment style.' "I Need a ton of space avoidants" are just one sub-type of this large group. In my personal case, My mother was very, very volatile and unstable. father an emotionally shut down doormat (despite ironically being highly successful career-wise). We were also constantly moving. I went to 7 schools in 6 countries by age 18. So every few years, my whole world would disappear. I think the above predictably led me to an insecure attachment style. There are a few ways to cope with insecure attachment. one is anxious - to become extra clingy in a sense. Another form of coping is dismissive avoidance. Essentially your 'gut' concludes that you need to be emotionally independent. Like other insecure attachment styles, we also tend to feel genuinely unworthy more than the average person, and overcompensate with work or success or "independence" aka "needing space." And at the risk of sounding self-pitying or melodramatic, looking back, I honestly conclude that the following has been true for me: I'm actually the WORST when the woman I'm together with is really a high quality person, really into and loving towards me, and me into her. It's like being allergic to sunlight.
i cant help but be jealous of the boy whose mom avoided him. think about it. you cant change the woman, so if she was around him more, it would have been more damaging. i spent my whole childhood wishing my parents would leave me completely alone. it was the only bits of peace i ever had when they were gone or ignoring me, those were my favorite times. the real problem is people breeding who have no intention or ability of being a caring supportive parent
My question - does our roller coaster hyper- vigilance cause heart disease at some point? I find being apart from my wife gives me rest and higher vibration frequency even enjoyment being alone. Something I find myself looking forward to. Being a people pleaser with out boundaries is not fun. I feel it's eventually going to kill me. A good heart can take only so much.
Me. Now. I'm 57 and a few months ago had the realization that, in previous relationships, I totally settled for the person I was with. Now that I'm with someone wonderful whom I truly love, the anxiety is real. It's been 18 months, and I'm still waiting for the other " show to drop " I've worked on it and I've come a long way, but...
I've recently became a Christian but have not yet joined a Church on our Reservation. Things are becoming new in all things such as reading a Bible which I never thought would meet me in this world . Dr. Sage your Work is very important for all walks of life. As my personal choice I'm slowly letting go and emptying my mind,meaning day by day releasing myself and completely laying down all of what brought me safe this far. I'm comfortable with my new found Faith In Christ Jesus. A new outlook upon my life's map of where I don't know what lays ahead? Giving has been my first step in following Christ. I feel different than once before.
New challenges I face with in my new found Faith. The one main passion for playing music has come to an end lol,but I'm okay with making my decision in letting go of playing music. My Daughter seems worry for the most part but in due time I'll address why I've chosen this path. My Daughter and I remain without contact with Her Mother an life's great. Forgiveness is now at work within each of our lives and feelings of new growth.
I am so glad to find another woman who has found Christ. The first thing that happened is my husband, friends and family began to distance themselves and I back pedaled to retain them which was also anxiety provoking. I suddenly noticed how negative my husband was and as I learned about abundance through Jesus, he had scarsity issues. Like my first husband, we had been isolating and since COVID we stopped doing things together. We both came from neglectful parents and two very different cultural backgrounds. I have found that if we focus more on our children and grandchildren, we do better. Also, we used to volunteer together and that was very satisfying. I am staying with my new found Christianity.
@@barbarabertone7821 Yeah I too have been married twice and become a single parent early on within my first marriage. My Daughter is a College Graduate and now lives full time in the mile high city. 27 years of age she is an Forever well off in our lives. Much I wish to share about wealth and etc,but over sharing is one of our problem's.
Your deep dives are so healing in the way they excavate the minefield of past experiences and discover our true selves beautifully; it's a lot less daunting for me now because of the fearless personal excavation you have undertaken of your own courageous journey of choosing Life (living) despite challenges and suffering 🍀All of your content is a testament to this ..Thank you Dr Kim 🙏
Thank you Dr Sage for all of your work. The examples from your own life help to bring the concepts down to earth and make it easier to identify in our own patterns. Your willingness to expose your own vulnerabilities, whilst using psycho-education really sets you apart from many. Many thanks 🙏
Wow you are amazing that video gave me more insight in my own behavior,reactions and under standing ,wow I am so blown away that I got so quickly I am so hopeful bc I think I understood my whole life’s behavior in what maybe 25 mins than I have learned in the last 28 years of therapy I have had from professional psychologists and psychiatrist s. Thank you dr Kim I plan on following up with your course. 😊
I am speechless and in shock as it is totally like someone told my painful live story out in details without me even say a word,I am in tears. I thought I was alone in this suffering….
My partner and father of my children has Asperger’s (high functioning autism) and it’s the most lonely soul destroying relationship I’ve ever been in. He masked for years then one day just stopped and I’m left with this shut down emotionally repressed robot. He does not know how to connect on a deeper level apart from surface level conversation. I’ve had to shut a part of myself down as it’s impossible to have a reciprocal conversation with with him. I had emotional neglect in my childhood but all my other previous relationships have been nothing like this. I cannot believe this is my life most of time because I miss intimacy so much and I don’t mean physical.
This is so incredibly powerful Dr Sage 🙏❤️ I find that even more so when your content relates to your own experiences and of course the research. Your experiences and reflections teach me so much. I am going to take this course in summer when I have downtime from my studies. So much of what you say here hits me and it really takes my breath away at the realisation. Especially surrounding attaching identity and healing to being a mum in a secure environment and feeling the need to hold on to that regardless. Thank you so much ❤
Its awesome to have good/qualitative friend in the ocean of toxins. Memories get enhanced & release stress. And thankful to every single one of ‘em, for being kind, Really puzzled to start over thanking ‘em, My Stock of words are limited but Have intention to do so… Happy Monday
I completely relate to this. But there’s an added issue. My husband is a functioning alcoholic so the no-go topic of his drinking makes intimacy emotionally and physically even more difficult. I have no idea how to solve this problem. 27 years married and it feels like there’s no hope
Have you been to Ala-non meetings? I dated a func-alcoholic for 5 years (he managed to hide it from me for 1 yr). Someone suggested I go to Ala-non mtgs. It was helpful in the way that I listened to the older ladies stories & it broke my heart hearing how sad they were but weren’t giving up. When it was my turn to talk (I think I was 23 at the time). I thanked them & politely said, please forgive me, but I don’t want to be any of you in 20, 30, 40 yrs, what should I do??? They all said in unison, “get out now, ASAP)! Or I would be them! 🥺😱 So I did. Again we weren’t married & no kids. Yrs later I moved to a different state & met the man I was supposed to marry. Been married for 18 yrs & I’ve been a stepmom to two girls. I’ve always been so thankful I went to those mtgs & moved on. I got word in 2014 the old boyfriend died due to his alcoholism. 😢😭 I would have been a widow at 38.😢
Um, I chose two emotionally unavailable husbands - thirteen years apart. Wish I'd known this beforehand - but I do have a wonderful daughter, as a result.
Though all of your videos hot home, this one especially did so. We are moving into our 10th home this month...20 years of marriage. It truly is a distraction. Popping out 6 babies in between all of that and home schooling and doing major callings from a high demand religion from which I'm stepping away. It hurts to realize how much I've distracted myself.
I have just found your channel. I’m so thankful I did. You are bringing such value. I hope you derive something beautiful from giving in this way. Thank you. I also appreciate the long format of your videos.
Finding a genuinely caring, giving guy who is not a narc, not adhd, not traumatised, i e not mentally ill, not alcoholic, not sport addicted, not hugely fat, not a fool, not lazy but just honest, loyal, normal, reasonable, common sense…. Is just about impossible!! The vast majority of partners suffers…. Struggles….. swallows a lot of bull…. Survives in the best posssibly way. So yeah. Forget the fairytale love marriage. Only a few lucky ones get it.
I really like your content. I’m a psychotherapist in 🇬🇧 You’re so lovely to listen to. I came across you as I was looking for hyper-vigilance for myself. Thank you.
My (on/off) partner of many years doesn't want to know anything about my family and the on-going difficulties I have with them. It's as if he thinks of it like a contagious disease to be avoided at all costs. We've been together during some of the worst of my family's dramas during the adult part of my life, but he might as well be sticking his fingers in his ears. So I have no voice about it, despite it being a significant, traumatic and impactful part of my life, past and present, and also forms who I am. So yes, he sounds like a twat. However he is able to read me and know how to 'handle' me through whatever is playing out pretty well. Whether it's giving me space, keeping me close, distraction, affection. No one has ever done that so well or so consistently before. So it's feels safe while also empty, a strange trade off. Like being seen but not heard.
He probably knows it would break his heart & soul to know more details (?) you two obviously had a soul-connection & found each other. I think that is beautiful & he’s still in your life for a reason. 🤍💞🤍
Good insights. I really appreciate your insights. I want to say for me in several videos now that I have watched you seem to wear clothes that are falling off you and the constant adjusting is very distracting to your message. Seriously.. not meaning to be unkind at all. maybe is my own trauma or Autism acting up. Some kind of safety pin could hold the clothes on or perhaps some alterations. Just sayin.
Not as a child I wasn't but I definitely am now in my life. Just left completely adrift. They'll even help my kids, but me personally not a damn thing.
Its so funny how similar the description of your parents is from my parents and how you are similar in so many ways like me. Do you know your enneagram type? I'm guessing you are a sx9w1 like me... i am autistic and I have adhd like my father and my twin sister. My mother is a narcissist and so is my ex husband. When I'm really unhealthy I doubt if I also have AvPD. My attachment style is fearful avoidant, but used to be more anxious preoccupied in my first relationship and in the beginning with my ex husband... but maybe that was because they were both much older than me and they were more like a replacement for my father after he left when he divorced my mom.
Dr Kim, you spoke my life’s story, and we never even met once. I’m not sure what it all means or how to digest it, but I’m willing to explore. Oh boy. Thank you
One thing I noticed recently is that I had developed a general rule as a child - something I did unconsciously - of not standing out. Sometimes this would play out as avoidance, other times as anxiety (anticipating doing something that might make me stand out). Not sure why awareness of the rule I had developed so very long ago emerged, but it was an aha moment for me.
I think we are missing a strong identity with late diagnosed traumatism. That leaves us susceptible to getting bulldozed, influenced, controlled by more narcissistic people. We weren’t allowed to have a separate sense of self and were just meeting all the adults’ needs.
This is a really personal thing to ask someone. I don’t think we need ALL the particulars of Dr. K’s life…or her ex- or current relatives. 😂 I’m just grateful for her vids.
With all due respect, you talked a lot about yourself at the beginning, but then there weren't any clear '10 Common Relationship Signs' list or discussion. You rambled and jumped from one thing to another, always coming back to yourself.
You talk about picking the wrong person, but is there really a right person? As an avoidant person, can I expect a partner to be so emotionally healthy that they can take care of both of us? That doesn't seem fair.
Ms. Kim Sage you talk a little fast sometimes but not too long. You don’t have to be as descriptive of your personal life. Concepts is what helps. Universal truths. The examples of your own life are appreciated but the explanations I don’t think are necessary. I personally don’t mind them but I want a healthy teacher. Doing a pretty decent job so far! Always helpful. Thanks!
We as children learn to accommodate our parents needs instead of them meeting ours which is how it’s supposed to be.
& 40 years later, it's still that way
🤦🤦🤦
@@ilexevergreen5405 I went no contact from my family of origin over 20 years ago. Blessings to you.
@@ilexevergreen5405very rigid and not willing to really listen or change
This.
Yep. It was necessary for our survival.
Hello. My name is "Cameron."
Dr. Sage, because of your transparency during your self discovery of (possible) autism, in addition to CPTSD, you've probably saved my life. Thank you. ❤
Same here it helps me understand myself and who I am.
Dr Kim, I cannot begin to tell you just how valuable and life changing this episode was for me. I am ASD/ADHD/CPTSD, it takes so long for me to process and I spend so much time researching what the heck is going on with me and my relationship. You have probably saved me months/years of confusion and constant frustration. Thank you SO MUCH for this content - I appreciate you sharing your knowledge and your vulnerabilities also. Your personal experiences really help me to identify similar situations in myself. I feel optimistic that this course might give me the clarity and understanding both my partner and I need to save our nearly 30yr relationship🤞 Thank you 🥰
Are you my long lost sister? Lol. We are the same!!
Dr. Kim I have experienced the same pattern. So now we have this second layer of trauma called marriage on top of a painful childhood. What are we learning about ourselves? That every relationship we care about is broken despite our best effort and aspirations? And then we blame ourselves for not knowing something we didn't know as children. I am now convinced that humans are very prone to psychopathology. Where do we go from here?
Thank you, Dr. Kim, for another interesting and thought-provoking video. So I'm wondering, when one has had a traumatic, emotionally neglectful childhood and adulthood, how and what do you change in your subconscious to be able to attract a compatible partner? I have such a habit of attracting unavailable partners that i finally just gave up until I could figure out why it was happening. Guess what? I still haven't figured it out. So what's the trick? And really, what partner would be willing to deal with all the adjustments that would have to be made to help someone that has had a traumatic existence up to that point, be able to be successful in the relationship 🤷♀️. Ok...sorry about the long question, but this topic is just as intriguing as autism and I am curious about the answer to this question. Thank you and will try to tone it down a bit next time. 😊
My mother would threaten to unalive herself if she got upset. Lots of eggshell walking in my house.
I’m sorry, my mom did the same. Told me she was going to “slit her wrists” and that I would be sorry when she’s gone. Guilt trip.
@@SkylarSuki Yep. Mine was related to a firearm but same concept for sure. I’m so sorry you dealt with that too!
Honestly, for real, I LOVE when you tell YOUR stories. It's like you're traching math with real numbers, or cooking with actual ingredients (not just generic symbols). Thank you!!
Hi Doc Kim, Thank you so much for sharing your stories and your knowledge . I have to say that its made a huge difference in my Self understanding about my life . i'm 58 and have just realized the last few years just how my childhood has affected my adult life , everything from work to marriage. somehow i've managed to have a great life in many ways but totally fubared in others. in childhood trauma rating I'm probably like a 4 out of five , five being the most traumatic. once again Thank You for being so brave and just simply such a fearless badass person. I truly love what your doing with your youtube channel.
Keep up the strong work,
Thanks again
Johnny :)
THANK YOU, Dr. Kim, this was among the most beautiful videos you have made, and hits all the "high points" very well. Hearing parts of your personal experiences makes it more relatable, and I'm grateful that you take the time to discuss the topics thoroughly; time spent with you hearing your nuanced descriptions is time well spent, so don't worry about the length.
There are a lot of "Cameron"s out here, and I certainly recognize all of the influences and behaviors in his story, and yours, plus so many "bonuses", an all-you-can-eat ACES buffet, a little of everything, including some form of neurodivergence, either inherent, physiologically derived from traumatic birth, or remodelling from chronic adverse experiences; maybe all the above, why not, the more the merrier right? I and most neurodivergents would agree that you are correct in your assertion that Autism itself is not the problem, at least not at the more functional end of the spectrum, and that it is adverse experiences and prejudicial expectations of "normal" (the insistence that everyone must be "beautiful", entertaining, and attentive to neurotypical vanity to be worthy of validation, even of existence) is the problem, and I wish more professionals would adopt and teach this obvious truth instead of trying to "cure" individuality.
My own experience seemingly has been more extreme than most that I hear, not necessarily because of the severity of childhood events, but likely because of the wide diversity, early exposure, and chronic persistence of psychological threat and injury that led to a very pervasive form of Disorganized attachment that much like yours anchored me in an anxiety-ridden avoidance from a very young age and made me a "little old man" and an Existentialist long before I learned how to spell it- I only discovered the (real-life) descriptions of SzPD and AvPD adaptations about a year ago, at 56, and they fit my life like a pair of latex gloves. I have had few interests, fewer "friends", and only 2 real romantic relationships in my life, the first better than I had ever hoped for until her passing after nearly 23 years together, and the second responsible for my turning to the study of psychology for answers to why it went so wrong, and answers to questions I had not known to ask.
Almost all the content available on attachment trauma is couched in the context of romantic relationships, with very little depth surrounding the origins or personal experience of or adaptation to the injury, so it's very difficult for those like me to find anything to really relate to. Your content stands out in this regard, and I hope you will continue to serve this niche with even more attention to the nuances of early attachment trauma with a thought for those of us who want to have some form of "normal" relationships - but just can't , quite yet. I'm curious about your course, and if it is geared to provide enough traction to be of substantive help for someone like me on the extreme end of the CPTSD/"disorder" spectrum who is already very cognitively aware of the reality of my trauma but still struggles with severe emotional dissociation, social avoidance, and related issues, or what you would recommend for someone for whom therapy is not currently an option.
Thank you again Dr. Kim, your beautiful, injured soul shines through.
I've always needed a lot of distance in my relationships.
Same.
Can i ask why? Is it the fear to let people in?
@munozchris100 The short answer is yes. Not that it is unique to us "avoidants," at all, but it is a huge factor. I'm primarily what they call "dismissive avoidant." Ken Reid explains me - and this behaviour type - as well as anyone. Kim is great too.
I've heard that 25-50% of people have some form of 'insecure attachment style.'
"I Need a ton of space avoidants" are just one sub-type of this large group.
In my personal case, My mother was very, very volatile and unstable. father an emotionally shut down doormat (despite ironically being highly successful career-wise).
We were also constantly moving. I went to 7 schools in 6 countries by age 18. So every few years, my whole world would disappear.
I think the above predictably led me to an insecure attachment style. There are a few ways to cope with insecure attachment. one is anxious - to become extra clingy in a sense.
Another form of coping is dismissive avoidance. Essentially your 'gut' concludes that you need to be emotionally independent. Like other insecure attachment styles, we also tend to feel genuinely unworthy more than the average person, and overcompensate with work or success or "independence" aka "needing space."
And at the risk of sounding self-pitying or melodramatic, looking back, I honestly conclude that the following has been true for me: I'm actually the WORST when the woman I'm together with is really a high quality person, really into and loving towards me, and me into her. It's like being allergic to sunlight.
When I get the noti for your vids, I can't click on it fast enough. Thank you, Dr Kim.
i cant help but be jealous of the boy whose mom avoided him. think about it. you cant change the woman, so if she was around him more, it would have been more damaging. i spent my whole childhood wishing my parents would leave me completely alone. it was the only bits of peace i ever had when they were gone or ignoring me, those were my favorite times. the real problem is people breeding who have no intention or ability of being a caring supportive parent
Ty Kim for another great vid. You always resonate with me. I so appreciate that you share ur own experiences. So relatable.
My question - does our roller coaster hyper- vigilance cause heart disease at some point? I find being apart from my wife gives me rest and higher vibration frequency even enjoyment being alone. Something I find myself looking forward to. Being a people pleaser with out boundaries is not fun. I feel it's eventually going to kill me. A good heart can take only so much.
Me. Now. I'm 57 and a few months ago had the realization that, in previous relationships, I totally settled for the person I was with. Now that I'm with someone wonderful whom I truly love, the anxiety is real. It's been 18 months, and I'm still waiting for the other " show to drop " I've worked on it and I've come a long way, but...
I've recently became a Christian but have not yet joined a Church on our Reservation. Things are becoming new in all things such as reading a Bible which I never thought would meet me in this world . Dr. Sage your Work is very important for all walks of life. As my personal choice I'm slowly letting go and emptying my mind,meaning day by day releasing myself and completely laying down all of what brought me safe this far. I'm comfortable with my new found Faith In Christ Jesus. A new outlook upon my life's map of where I don't know what lays ahead? Giving has been my first step in following Christ. I feel different than once before.
New challenges I face with in my new found Faith. The one main passion for playing music has come to an end lol,but I'm okay with making my decision in letting go of playing music. My Daughter seems worry for the most part but in due time I'll address why I've chosen this path. My Daughter and I remain without contact with Her Mother an life's great. Forgiveness is now at work within each of our lives and feelings of new growth.
Music can be a great part of your faith
@@kimmccaleb4170 Thank For This word of encouragement
I am so glad to find another woman who has found Christ. The first thing that happened is my husband, friends and family began to distance themselves and I back pedaled to retain them which was also anxiety provoking. I suddenly noticed how negative my husband was and as I learned about abundance through Jesus, he had scarsity issues. Like my first husband, we had been isolating and since COVID we stopped
doing things together. We both came from neglectful parents and two very different cultural backgrounds. I have found that if we focus more on our children and grandchildren, we do better. Also, we used to volunteer together and that was very satisfying. I am staying with my new found Christianity.
@@barbarabertone7821
Yeah I too have been married twice and become a single parent early on within my first marriage. My Daughter is a College Graduate and now lives full time in the mile high city. 27 years of age she is an Forever well off in our lives. Much I wish to share about wealth and etc,but over sharing is one of our problem's.
Your deep dives are so healing in the way they excavate the minefield of past experiences and discover our true selves beautifully; it's a lot less daunting for me now because of the fearless personal excavation you have undertaken of your own courageous journey of choosing Life (living) despite challenges and suffering 🍀All of your content is a testament to this ..Thank you Dr Kim 🙏
Thank you Dr Sage for all of your work. The examples from your own life help to bring the concepts down to earth and make it easier to identify in our own patterns.
Your willingness to expose your own vulnerabilities, whilst using psycho-education really sets you apart from many.
Many thanks 🙏
Wow you are amazing that video gave me more insight in my own behavior,reactions and under standing ,wow I am so blown away that I got so quickly I am so hopeful bc I think I understood my whole life’s behavior in what maybe 25 mins than I have learned in the last 28 years of therapy I have had from professional psychologists and psychiatrist s. Thank you dr Kim I plan on following up with your course. 😊
A list of the 10 should be posted & pinned, thx
I am speechless and in shock as it is totally like someone told my painful live story out in details without me even say a word,I am in tears. I thought I was alone in this suffering….
❤Thank you that was really helpful.
Spoken so well. Extremely helpful. Such a gift thank you for making these videos!! It makes a difference ❤
Thank you. I needed to hear this, and thank you for sharing your own experiences.
My partner and father of my children has Asperger’s (high functioning autism) and it’s the most lonely soul destroying relationship I’ve ever been in. He masked for years then one day just stopped and I’m left with this shut down emotionally repressed robot. He does not know how to connect on a deeper level apart from surface level conversation. I’ve had to shut a part of myself down as it’s impossible to have a reciprocal conversation with with him. I had emotional neglect in my childhood but all my other previous relationships have been nothing like this. I cannot believe this is my life most of time because I miss intimacy so much and I don’t mean physical.
This is so incredibly powerful Dr Sage 🙏❤️ I find that even more so when your content relates to your own experiences and of course the research. Your experiences and reflections teach me so much. I am going to take this course in summer when I have downtime from my studies. So much of what you say here hits me and it really takes my breath away at the realisation. Especially surrounding attaching identity and healing to being a mum in a secure environment and feeling the need to hold on to that regardless. Thank you so much ❤
Appreciate you and your thoughtful comments -always! Sending love today!
I totally relate to your story! Recently (60 yrs) seeing my avoidance strategies.
Its awesome to have good/qualitative friend in the ocean of toxins.
Memories get enhanced & release stress.
And thankful to every single one of ‘em, for being kind,
Really puzzled to start over thanking ‘em,
My Stock of words are limited but Have intention to do so…
Happy Monday
I completely relate to this. But there’s an added issue. My husband is a functioning alcoholic so the no-go topic of his drinking makes intimacy emotionally and physically even more difficult. I have no idea how to solve this problem. 27 years married and it feels like there’s no hope
Have you been to Ala-non meetings? I dated a func-alcoholic for 5 years (he managed to hide it from me for 1 yr). Someone suggested I go to Ala-non mtgs. It was helpful in the way that I listened to the older ladies stories & it broke my heart hearing how sad they were but weren’t giving up. When it was my turn to talk (I think I was 23 at the time). I thanked them & politely said, please forgive me, but I don’t want to be any of you in 20, 30, 40 yrs, what should I do???
They all said in unison, “get out now, ASAP)! Or I would be them!
🥺😱 So I did. Again we weren’t married & no kids. Yrs later I moved to a different state & met the man I was supposed to marry. Been married for 18 yrs & I’ve been a stepmom to two girls. I’ve always been so thankful I went to those mtgs & moved on. I got word in 2014 the old boyfriend died due to his alcoholism. 😢😭 I would have been a widow at 38.😢
Um, I chose two emotionally unavailable husbands - thirteen years apart. Wish I'd known this beforehand - but I do have a wonderful daughter, as a result.
And we get labelled borderline which may or may not be
I'm fearful/avoidant too!
Though all of your videos hot home, this one especially did so. We are moving into our 10th home this month...20 years of marriage. It truly is a distraction. Popping out 6 babies in between all of that and home schooling and doing major callings from a high demand religion from which I'm stepping away. It hurts to realize how much I've distracted myself.
I have just found your channel. I’m so thankful I did. You are bringing such value. I hope you derive something beautiful from giving in this way. Thank you.
I also appreciate the long format of your videos.
Finding a genuinely caring, giving guy who is not a narc, not adhd, not traumatised, i e not mentally ill, not alcoholic, not sport addicted, not hugely fat, not a fool, not lazy but just honest, loyal, normal, reasonable, common sense…. Is just about impossible!! The vast majority of partners suffers…. Struggles….. swallows a lot of bull…. Survives in the best posssibly way. So yeah. Forget the fairytale love marriage. Only a few lucky ones get it.
I really like your content. I’m a psychotherapist in 🇬🇧 You’re so lovely to listen to. I came across you as I was looking for hyper-vigilance for myself. Thank you.
Dr. Sage, thank God I found you! I could be sitting in your seat with such a similar past story! You nailed this 100%
My (on/off) partner of many years doesn't want to know anything about my family and the on-going difficulties I have with them. It's as if he thinks of it like a contagious disease to be avoided at all costs. We've been together during some of the worst of my family's dramas during the adult part of my life, but he might as well be sticking his fingers in his ears. So I have no voice about it, despite it being a significant, traumatic and impactful part of my life, past and present, and also forms who I am. So yes, he sounds like a twat. However he is able to read me and know how to 'handle' me through whatever is playing out pretty well. Whether it's giving me space, keeping me close, distraction, affection. No one has ever done that so well or so consistently before. So it's feels safe while also empty, a strange trade off. Like being seen but not heard.
He probably knows it would break his heart & soul to know more details (?) you two obviously had a soul-connection & found each other. I think that is beautiful & he’s still in your life for a reason.
🤍💞🤍
@@michelefitzmaurice4610 Thank you for that. He's certainly stuck around! And if it works it works x
Good insights. I really appreciate your insights. I want to say for me in several videos now that I have watched you seem to wear clothes that are falling off you and the constant adjusting is very distracting to your message. Seriously.. not meaning to be unkind at all. maybe is my own trauma or Autism acting up. Some kind of safety pin could hold the clothes on or perhaps some alterations. Just sayin.
Not as a child I wasn't but I definitely am now in my life. Just left completely adrift. They'll even help my kids, but me personally not a damn thing.
Great content
I previously believed my fmr spouse was a mild covert narcissist - but learning more recently about genetics, I think he actually had HF-ASD traits.
Its so funny how similar the description of your parents is from my parents and how you are similar in so many ways like me. Do you know your enneagram type? I'm guessing you are a sx9w1 like me... i am autistic and I have adhd like my father and my twin sister. My mother is a narcissist and so is my ex husband. When I'm really unhealthy I doubt if I also have AvPD. My attachment style is fearful avoidant, but used to be more anxious preoccupied in my first relationship and in the beginning with my ex husband... but maybe that was because they were both much older than me and they were more like a replacement for my father after he left when he divorced my mom.
Dr Kim, you spoke my life’s story, and we never even met once. I’m not sure what it all means or how to digest it, but I’m willing to explore. Oh boy. Thank you
One thing I noticed recently is that I had developed a general rule as a child - something I did unconsciously - of not standing out. Sometimes this would play out as avoidance, other times as anxiety (anticipating doing something that might make me stand out). Not sure why awareness of the rule I had developed so very long ago emerged, but it was an aha moment for me.
Nice course, Dr. Kim!
💯 🎯
I think we are missing a strong identity with late diagnosed traumatism. That leaves us susceptible to getting bulldozed, influenced, controlled by more narcissistic people. We weren’t allowed to have a separate sense of self and were just meeting all the adults’ needs.
Is there a test that we can take?
Omg this is me, this is a real lightbulb moment for me. Thank you for sharing this …
I can’t tolerate anxious attachment people because I m independent and hate when someone falls on me
Using examples make learning far easier to see the behavior, thankyou.
Did your partner change genders 😶 my brain is trying to work out all the clues about what happened.
This is a really personal thing to ask someone. I don’t think we need ALL the particulars of Dr. K’s life…or her ex- or current relatives. 😂 I’m just grateful for her vids.
@@riverbilly64 I know I’m sorry
@@laraoneal7284 I was just thinking outloud, a big unexpected event happened so my brain thought that 😐
With all due respect, you talked a lot about yourself at the beginning, but then there weren't any clear '10 Common Relationship Signs' list or discussion. You rambled and jumped from one thing to another, always coming back to yourself.
Check the description. Case example, then list of 10 starts at 13 mins…and this is her channel, sooooo
How do I just purchase the book vs taking the course?
I was hoping it was just an exercise book for 30- 49 dollars. Yikes!
I am working on it! I don't have an option to purchase the workbook but if I could find a way where it would be helpful I will look into it!
Cameron, like me, grew up with a dictator.
You talk about picking the wrong person, but is there really a right person? As an avoidant person, can I expect a partner to be so emotionally healthy that they can take care of both of us? That doesn't seem fair.
I think ideally, you would have to be able to take care of yourself too in some capacity for it to be truly healthy.
Yup... she finally gets it ❤
Excellent. Tanku. 💛
I can care less about being in any relationship with any America woman its not worth it and going mgtow is the best decision I have ever made
Dumbest comment I’ve read in days! Thanks bud!
@@The_Rude_French_Canadian WHATEVER SHUT UP YOU SIMP
Ms. Kim Sage you talk a little fast sometimes but not too long. You don’t have to be as descriptive of your personal life. Concepts is what helps. Universal truths. The examples of your own life are appreciated but the explanations I don’t think are necessary. I personally don’t mind them but I want a healthy teacher. Doing a pretty decent job so far! Always helpful. Thanks!
This is all so insightful, thank you