Neglect in Childhood Taught You to FIT Yourself to Unacceptable People
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- Опубликовано: 1 окт 2024
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If your parents harmed you when you were small, you may have developed a coping mechanism that allowed you to accept mistreatment; you learned to just "make it OK" in your mind. But when this gets carried into adulthood, it becomes a maladaptation I call Crapfit. In this "best of" compilation, I share lessons and letters from people with CPTSD who are fitting themselves to horrible partners, jobs and friendships. Hear my advice for setting new and higher standards yourself, and stopping the CRAPFIT.
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“Crapfit” and “hope is the dope” are sooo powerful. Thank you for covering this aspect of maladaptive adaptation many of us have lived. This is the story of most of my life, not just romantically, but with friends, colleagues, employees and even housemates. I woke up to all of this fairly recently, am finally free of the vast majority of trauma repeating all the trash patterns, but trust is so shot, I’m about ready to just lock the gate and disappear into total self-sufficiency for a time as I heal from it all. I’m open to people, but in a very guarded way, and no more crapfit ever again for any reason. My inner circle is golden and reserved for decent humans with the capacity for empathy and reciprocity.
Yes!!!!!!❤
Beautifully stated…..my exact life too! I’ve healed & rid my life of toxics (thanks to covid), a few family stragglers…..it can be lonely, but slowly am building much healthier relationships & am 💯 % listening to my body…..which I ignored for decades….my body always told me w/stomach pains….nervousness & burying my feelings & true self…..that’s for the birds!!
I feel exactly the same! It can be lonely, but eventually we'll find people who respect us!
@@jazzsoul1695Great video. Great comment. I understand you well. It all hurts. Love and peace to you all!
In the trenches with you 😢you’re not alone in how you feel! I hope things get better for you, friend. This is a very hard road to travel.
The first letter is such a good example that no matter how aware and intelligent you are, how many videos you've watched, how many books you've read, there's a huge gap between knowing the walk, and walking the walk.
Fighting our instincts is no small thing.
How true!!!
And walking the walk is tough and difficult. But the improvement, the greater future you can access is the best reward you could imagine in life.
It's worth the cost, so much. I thank myself enough for the day I decided it was enough of the repetitive crappy pattern.
As I always say to my friends: Knowledge is nothing without self awareness and self awareness is nothing without application. We need to apply what we are aware of through knowledge. 🙏🏻🌺
Do you ever want to be like, “Ummmmn…. He’s married.
I did stand up to a guy like the first story. He ended up coming back around and I married him. He turned out to be a narcissist and we divorced. Don’t get involved with someone who shows dysfunction in the beginning because it will come back.
Amen!!! 💯💯💯
Facts on facts on facts! 👏💯🙌
O M G Yes 🤦🏻♀️ I went through the same.
Amen, if they show you who they are believe them.
I've had these kinds of experiences. Hard, painful lessons in how narcissists use love bombing and hoovering. Take what you've learned, move on, keep learning, and love yourself. ❤
Congrats to this girl for seeing it so young. I couldn’t face it until I was 60 years old. My life has now dramatically changed thanks to you Anna and great in person counseling.
Same here. I saw it in my 59th year & now, at 62, I have no contact with my mother & very little contact with my only sibling, a sister 1 yr younger. Since waking up & through counseling, I have more peace in my life now than ever.
@@kelliesmith4068 Yes!! It’s sad it took the death of my oldest son to realize just how cold and hateful my family was. They pulled some horrible actions on me in prior years and I always went back for more thinking I was the problem. When my son died their actions and lack of was so painful on top of the grief that I just cannot absorb any more.
Decades ago, they just didn’t Collett abuse. Some people were really messed up and abuse their children, some people just let it happen when other people did it… A lot of people didn’t know I didn’t care or we’re just too stupid to understand what was going on. Luckily our species is growing up a lot.
At 66, I finally got rid of a romance living in my head, thanks to Anna. Sadly, I called off what could’ve been a great marriage at age 27 bc I thought other guy in my head was coming back. Now alone after 1 failed marriage (with yet someone else and no children), I’m so disappointed that I made the poor choice to put my life on hold for this 47-year limerence.
My heart is so joyful to see these young women becoming so aware through content like this and healing themselves and becoming powerful now! I love it. I am 44 and just now beginning to heal and I’m joyful to do it Thank You for your work.
What a lovely comment, thank you for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Some of us are not so young!😅
The twin flame BS is also some thing that narcissists love to sink their teeth into. My ex-husband was a psychopath. Not just a narcissist, not just a sociopath, a straight up evil psychopath. When he realized I was getting closer to the door, he would always say I was his soulmate and twin flame. I was also his prudential rock of financial security. Well guess who almost ended up homeless after I left him for good.
This was exactly the situation with my husband. He was all of these and destroyed me financially.
It's so refreshing to hear you say it's okay to have standards, to overlook those who do not reciprocate affection.
No sex outside of marriage. Takes care of a lot of problems. And no “hanging out,” either. Either we’re dating towards marriage or we’re not doing anything. Strait up, all cards on the table. This worked for me after years of garbage relationships. Now married to my best friend, 3 kids and no regrets. My only regrets are not being *honest* with men in the past.
Perfectly said... This is the right way! ❤
yes, marriage only
whatever we practice we become.. I would want to practice nothing less than being a wife
@@kjbkjhkjhjk7775 I know someone who got remarried in her 40s to a man also in his 40s, waited u til marriage and now he barely ever has intimacy with her, turns out there is a p0rn addiction but he won't even acknowledge it. This is a man who got saved for her, attends church with her etc. I'm not for casual se× but don't know about waiting until marriage especially if you've already been married before
Great advice!! Yes! There’s a book by Jim Talley called Too Close, Too Soon. Provides an organizer for building toward a great marriage, stages of dating, pacing, and no sex until after marriage.
I wonder also, if we're so hungry for a relationship with a parent or sibling, that we're constantly looking for it in other people. And we often find ourselves in unhealthy relationships because that person at some point, for good reasons or bad, gave us the attention we're so desperate for.
I think that’s precisely what it is
Definitely. I see all my lost loved ones .three siblings .dad..mum in my lovers. If they only knew. Such amazing romances...friendship and connection. But their lifetime of pornography (they tell you!!) Means they can not Bond with you ...
Part of some really intense healing I had to do this year involved exactly what you said. Acknowledging that I was constantly looking for a replacement of my two primary family members growing up, after leaving home in my late teens. 🩵✌️
IFS helps to resolve this. It allows the Self to rise and fill the hope hole. Very gentle approach.
This lady is a godsend. I never got help from any therapist, just more BS and traumas from them. She helps for real. Bless her heart
Yep girl in the second video sounds just like me.. I’m 25 too, and also had to emotionally babysit both of my parents. I have had an extremely hard time growing up until I had a wake up call last year after reaching rock bottom. I’m in school to get my real estate license now that I’ve accepted I can do my passion projects on the side but I need a stable way to make money NOW. I used to believe in twin flames too, thank god I snapped out of that. I feel for this girl, we need to grow up and take care of ourselves, stop waiting to be rescued. We’re in it together.
Reminds me of online dating a man who wasn't available very often. He only called from his car. One day I finally said this isn't working. I think you are married. His response? What makes you think that? That moment of clarity showed me I could trust my instincts. Thankfully it led me to withdraw from any relationships for awhile until I could fully realize what I wanted for my future--and work on myself. When I met my husband it was something I had never seen, felt, or experienced before. It was so completely easy, comfortable, fun and natural to be together. And completely honest without judgement. Had I known such a thing really existed I would have waited until 50 years old just for this wonderful relationship, but then I wouldn't be here if I hadn't been there.
Good instincts on that car-talker guy! Answering your question with a question was quite the tell, huh? Thanks for watching!
Julie@TeamFairy
My mother told me repeatedly as a child that she wished I had died at birth. When I was 16, I had long thick hair, over two foot long. Every time she needed to vent about something, she would threaten to chop off my hair. I could never understand it at the time. Now I look back on it, she was obviously jealous.
My mom was, and still is, jealous of me, too. And resents me because I look JUST like my dad, who broke her heart. His actions are obviously not my fault, but I sure as heck have had to pay for it like it is. I see you and understand your pain. I wish you well in your journey; you deserve to be treated well, and to be happy. 🙏🏻💖✨
@@ZeCahliPreppingGroupInBio Thanks for your good wishes. I wish the same for you too. I'm sure you must know that in the original story "Snow White" by the Brothers Grimm it was not the stepmother that wanted Snow White dead but her own mother, but for the purposes of the film they Disneyfied the story as the real version would have been too much for the audience to stomach, and that's only a film. Imagine what it's like in real life!
Sorry to say that, but what a crappy mom! How could she say something so hurtful not only to a child, but to her own daughter? I'm sorry because I know that what I'm saying is disrespectful towards your mom, but seriously... That's aweful
@@Alinda1308 No offence taken. It helps when others express their thoughts because it helps me to see how evil it actually was. She hasn't changed.
Yes she was jealous unfortunately. Best to avoid her and dont tell her your business.
Hope is the dope. I love you Fairy Anna. Truly really. I love the way you talk. I love your voice. It's soothing. I love your compassion. ❤
This video on "Crapfit" really struck a chord with me. It made me reflect on how often we tend to settle for situations that don't align with our true worth. Whether it's accepting toxic relationships, unsatisfying jobs, or unhealthy friendships, we sometimes find ourselves fitting into circumstances that are far from what we deserve.
Watching this powerful compilation of lessons and personal stories was a wake-up call for me. It reminded me of the importance of setting higher standards for myself and not making excuses for accepting less than I deserve. It's time to break free from the grips of Crapfit and start valuing our own worth.
I'm grateful for the insights and advice shared in this video. It has inspired me to take a closer look at the areas of my life where I may have been settling and make changes to create a future filled with healthier relationships, fulfilling careers, and genuine connections. I hope this message resonates with others and empowers them to break free from Crapfit, too.
❤thank you 😊I love this message 😊and I’m crying because it is so true ❤
True.
We tend to settle for situations and things that we don't even want deep down because we believe we don't deserve what we truly want.
We have to stop making excuses for accepting what we actually know we don't want to bc it doesn't align with our true values.
"you got really good at imagining love where there is no love" WOOOOF
I’m in 50’s and cannot really ask for what I want because it feels selfish. I truly don’t know how to express my desires
The “not good enough” parent wound is real. 😞 I understand how you feel. The only solution I know of for this is to learn how to TRULY love yourself, and to make it a point to see that ALL your needs are met, including happiness. You are not selfish for wanting basic decency from people. YOU deserve healthy treatment and love from others. 💖🙏🏻
You have no idea how long I've been looking for someone just like you. Your channel has helped me so much and I am so grateful.
There is nothing worse as a child than to live in constant fear of a parent who is supposed to take care of you.
How can your development not be stunted when every decision is determined by what will not upset the crazy parent and cause him to act violently.
No job should be paid so low that you can't live. It's not okay just because that's how the world has been.
It's NOT okay, but for the purposes of our own progression in life we have to act in accordance with how the world is and not how it should be
New age took 2 years of my life… I’m so so F’ing done!!!!!! Can’t wait to never feel this awful pain of being completely abandoned
I’m done with crap fit.Too painful to be in relationship with narcissist.
Honestly, I don't know why it never occurred to me that you might get hate mail for the work you do, even though it's very common knowledge that all content creators face this kind of nonsense. Kudos to you for taking all of that and holding your ground, for saying, "I do understand a great deal, and still I reject it." That takes a certain kind of strength that I'm still striving for in my day-to-day life.
Oh Anna! I'm new to your channel and during these past two weeks I've watched 20+ of your videos. I'm shocked, ashamed, and angry. For the past 20 years I've seen therapists (and it pains me to say I'm one of them myself) trying to find out WHY I still feel so bad and keep repeating the same dysfunctional patterns I've had since I was a teenager (I'm 55 now). NOBODY has ever seen my troubles as being CPTSD related. I've spent years searching for God and hoped I'd find peace there, I've become obsessed with unavailable or, plainly speaking, impossible men, I've struggled with binge eating disorder and obesity, I haven't had a relationship in 20 years, no family, no kids (I'm terrified of the idea of living with someone, as my childhood situation was so suffocating - which probably has something to do with the fact that I have serious lung problems). And now all the pieces are falling together! No wonder I've always felt like an impostor in my job: deep down I've known I hadn't healed yet. Oh God. I'm so grateful to you, Anna, for these life-changing videos.
What a beautiful message! You are not alone. So many of searched for years to understand why the solutions out there didn't help. Now you're here. You've found your tribe!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Wow. A tribe. For me. At last. Happy tears
Aroha 💙💙💙
Time is what has helped me the most with limerence. As time has gone by, I've realized that the people I've had crushes on in the past were nowhere near as talented or as smart as I had hoped them to be, and oftentimes they are simply bad people with low character. I guess I idealized them or had a certain idea of who they were in my head, and later the reality sinks in that they were never that person. And thank God I never entered into a relationship with a single one of them. It's probably much healthier to be alone than with a bad person.
I had this dynamic with my ex and he did come around after 2 years of me obsessing over him and taking crumbs. We were in a relationship for a year and a half and it was hell. He was very committed and in love with me, but he was extremely emotionally immature and toxic (he has CPTSD too but rejects therapy and doesn't go within at all), which of course reflected his shitty actions in those 2 years of off/on. It doesn't go away even if you get into a relationship with that person. They have to want to change, and that takes years from that point they're at... years you don't have to wait around.
You know, I've had so many of these situations. The way I see it ladies, is that many of us who had "empty coffeepot father's" and broken coffeepot mother's, we bought it that we must NOT NEED too much. That attracts these men who take you on the merry go round. Each time you go back, you lose some strength. I stopped dating because of these liars. They're selfish draining empty coffeepots!
That's a lovely description of the dynamic so many of us experienced. These stories mirror the life I lived all through my youth until I finally found a decent man who loved me back when I was almost forty. I wasted so much time and energy crap-fitting to men who used my energy and left me with nothing but heartache. I sometimes wonder if they have a clue about how much suffering they caused.
@@Naomi-vs1tl These guys are empty containers seeking to turn you into their mother, resent you, jealous of you, then dump you or screw around. I'm done w them.
@@jazzsoul1695sometimes they marry you and stick around!!
They can smell emotional wounds the way that sharks smell blood
@@emzuli7432 True! Like my older sister!
'You're okay! You're okay, you're just crapfitting... that 's all' ~ Crappy Childhood Fairy
They 💯 % wear you down even when you try so hard to be normal
I didn’t figure it out until I was in my 50’s a friend said your parents are narcissists. I didn’t know what that was…wow it was true, such an eye opener.
Do temp agencies still exist? You must earn something right now while you are looking for full-time, permanent employment.
I wish I had been this self-aware at 26. Despite what she’s going through, she’s miles ahead of most!
Same exactly. 🤦🏻♀️
Set me up to be majorly codependent and attracted to personality disordered types - that escalated in intensity until i tangled with a sociopath for several years. Tried a couple more times to connect romantically but the patterns of betrayal continues. Haven’t even been remotely interested in dating since - the thought of being intimate with any female long term is completely gone. And that’s okay.
Similar experience for me, but with men. I’m sorry that happened to you. It really does mess with your mind and your ability to trust on a deep, deep level. I hope you find someone who will treat you well, and the way that you deserve. 🙏🏻✨
I dream that one day we are going to be able to heal all our wounds and that dating will become safe for us
The way the fairy explains the issues I'm having is so surreal. When listening, I've even broken into tears. I've spent a lot of my life not really understanding why I do the things I do or feel the way I often do. I am so grateful she does this type of work. I am 31, and I know I want to change now.
its so sadly poetic, but my dad, almost every night would come home from work angry and I was the scapegoat, so he'd come after me & I'd defend myself, which would make him angrier and he'd drag me to my room. Without fail, the next morning there would be an envelope shoved under my door and a "I'm sorry" card in it. He spent so much money on those I'm sorry cards.
I cut off friends without any hesitation or remorse but I hold onto toxic romantic relationships with my dear life.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I know you know, but in case it helps to hear it again: Your dad was wrong. Glad you're here now.
Julie@TeamFairy
awful that an adult has less maturity than a child. really sick.
OMG this is one of my top 3 most impactful videos/books/podcasts. And by "impactful," I mean actually triggering CHANGE. Like the woman working as a nanny barely scraping by and secretly expecting to be rescued at 25... try 55. Not that I haven't tried - I've been in active recovery from CPTSD since my late 20s, medicated for my diagnoses, having seen a few therapists for months/years at a time over the years (and currently in therapy), yet I'm lonely within my personal relationships because no one "loves" me like I love them and would literally do anything for them. I also wanted to be part of families that weren't my own, especially after my parents passed away. I wanted my own family and mourn my childlessness, but because I couldn't actually distinguish magical thinking about the future - aka fantasy - from reality, the times I almost got married but didn't were actually the salvation I thought I'd find by marrying.
I can really, really relate to that frustration & emptiness, start to finish. 💐
@@CTimmerman "invest what you can stand to lose" is some of the most amazing advice I've ever read. It's like gambling. Don't bet more than you should. 👏
Shit I can so relate to the people stuck in crapfit relationships.. it's so hard to let go of that person BC what do you do without them..? Being in a shitty relationship can be better than being alone.. I'm about to break up/ preparing for it and have all that self doubt and yet new hurt and pain all the time and then that little voice (am I over interpreting? Am I in the wrong?). And then the idea of getting out is so frustrating and depressing, cause there is nobody out there waiting for me. I wonder why.. why go through all the pain if just alone in the end of the day.. -.- how can we feel good just living our life by ourselves, for ourselves, when the thing we crave most is that connection to other people.. ?
A crappy romantic relationship is only one way to have a connection. Let it go. Run for your life. There are HUNDREDS, THOUSANDS of different types of relationships you can cultivate which are healthy. You are not afraid of being alone. You are afraid of being yourself. And that’s ok.. the solution is to practice being yourself, intentionally: treat yourself in the way you would treat your most deeply respected loved one, and prioritize safety and joy for you. After you do that for some time, you will find other people who treat you in that way. You can’t find them right now, because you don’t know what it looks or feels like. So let go of the crap. Run for your life. Treat yourself with love and learn what it is to be treated in a healthy way. You can do it! In fact, this is your life’s purpose.. to learn how to do this, so that you can turn around and help the next person still struggling. This is your destiny, keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if you are afraid, you can bring your fear with you too. Just keep going.
Anyone who believes in twin flames needs to “understand” twin flames. They’re NOT your person, soulmates are NOT your person. If you believe in this you believe their is a soul contract before birth or a splitting of soul before birth that is destined to reconnect. They aren’t your completion, at best they are your guardrails to redirect your path and so often it’s in the opposite direction you need to be going. Appreciation of people in your life for advancing your soul is what I have found to be the most rewarding in our soul path journey. I’m not an expert in anything except my own life’s journey and maybe I’m too darn independent but I’d never put the responsibility on someone as being “my other half”.
damn you know I didn't bond through sex but I am so touch deprived and I was experiencing grief in so many areas of my life when I met him that the way he kept touching me was enough. It's so frustrating. My whole existence is a trap
I see you Girl❤ you are appreciated.
17:06 Emotionally immature and vacant parents can really do a number on kids. And when a child takes responsibility to monitor a parents feelings, keeping them feeling "okay" and worrying whether or not everything is going to fall apart, they don't get the inner sense if security that is necessary to move out into the world like an adult. Finding your tribe, making a living, discovering your talents and gifts. These are all so important to leading a good life. But when that black hole in your childhood drained away ALL the guidance, All the teaching by example, All the sense of structure you were supposed to get,
You didn't get all the guidance help and structure you were supposed to get.
You can end up in your adulthood feeling like your life isn't REAL yet and you are waiting, you are waiting for someone to come and put you back on track. Put you on the track of your ACTUAL life.
That is EXACTLY how I feel. How do I live my REAL life??
The point where we can turn things around is when our burning desire for truth and honesty wins over our desperation and hunger for just a little bit of love, attention and validation. When we value being authentic and stopping with faking the most. There was such a point in my life when I once and for all decided I'm done with lying and I'm gonna try to live my truth. When I realized that I was just as little genuine as the people I encountered. From that time on not being honest felt like physical, like feeling dirty and muddy and gross.
Yep, adapting and making it work, no matter how crappy, I am very good at that. I always joke that you can drop me in any catastrophic situation somewhere in Africa or something and I'd know what to do and I'd survive. I guess many of us know better how to survive, save and rescue than to live actually. We come from a warzone.
Really appreciate your intelligence, experience, compassion, common sense and the tough love you give me. ❤️
I appreciate the advice you give for traumatized people to check our own behaviors / take responsibility for the potential to harm others. A lot of other “healing” content lacks this & coddles the audience in a way that I feel is deeply detrimental
Piece of advice for Marie-Claire - don't drink with this guy. Seems like that's hampering your judgement and lowering your inhibitions.
Better yet...Don't do ANYTHING w him! Hell try have sex w you!
Here’s the thing about Psychics. You never read a headline that says “Psychic Wins Lottery”
My mom was great, attentive, caring etc, but my dad emotionally abandoned me at 9yrs old, when my little brother was born...I went from the baby to being seen as a pest.
I figured out, in the last 2yrs, why every guy would "change his mind" overnight about me....then my husband "changed his mind" too, and fell out of love w/me.
I never realized I was repeating that treatment from my dad until I divorced and moved back un with my dad....& could FINALLY clearly see that my dad is an emotional carbon copy of my ex husband, even though I did everything I could to avoid marrying a man like my dad.
How do you not keep accidentally picking somebody who changes over time into your abusive parent?
he was nothing like my dad in the beginning, for the first four years. He was a lot like my mom actually.
After I gave birth to my son, he changed.
not 1 minute yet but Anna is speaking truth bombs that made me stop and contemplate
I love the part about magical thinking in childhood.
I always thought Jesus would rescue me as a child. Nope.
As someone who has called myself “terminally hopeful,” I am very glad to have always been suspicious of “twin flame” and other magical-thinking, and certainly suspicious of new age spirituality as a whole, especially when combined with people who seek polyamory and communal living, blah blah blah. It’s usually a lot of people who are seeking connection and love in situations that cannot provide any of that. You cannot insert yourself into an existing family the way the woman in the letter seeks to do, even if they agree, they will never be able to live up to the fantasy in your head. I think she needs to spend a lot more time alone without escaping into fantasy at all. Touch real things, avoid fiction (books, movies, tv), or even non-fiction that takes you into someone else’s reality.
Thanks for this.
Getting into other people's reality is what I've been doing all my life
@@emzuli7432 it’s easy to do when your own reality has made you sad, especially as a kid. Most people who become escapists as adults had need to escape into their own heads as kids.
Oh my goodness…feel like this unlocked my mind! Wow. Thank you.
Anna, I was told by my mom, when my dad was particularly verbally abusive, that he was a good man. She said we needed to ignore everything he did wrong, as he was a good man. I learned to believe good men did these things, and proceeded to marry a "good man". Ugh.
Glad you're here.
Nika@TeamFairy
"erotic fixations that make them feel valuable and seen..." Ughh. Just working on finding my sense of dignity and self-respect.
That twin flame thing had me in a loop. Even before I knew what it was someone who was emotionally unavailable and living a double life, I found out the truth through social media but I had limerence for about almost 10 yrs. Until I did the healing work and realized I was fooling my self and allowing ppl to fool me to.
Been crapfitting all my adult life. And have had a lot of joy along the way. Understanding this is huge. Anna you are amazing ..love your channel. I share it to friends a lot.
Well my moms heroin addiction was the reason for the abandonment. Although it never made sense to me i have forgave her and chose to keep loving her even though she had passed away. I wasnt in her shoes so i choose forgiveness instead of resentment .. .
this is soo mee
the thing is, to externalize all of your needs is a slippery slope. i came from childhood emotional neglect and always looking outside of myself for "love me, love me, love me" like a big, bleeding heart. pathetic. it's not from a privileged place that people say, fall in love with yourself first. it's a service to society.
I love the vocal reactions to points she knows aren't good for the writer of the letter "mmmm" "urrrrgh" lol. I can relate to the circus life becomes from trauma, it's so horrible to find yourself putting big dopey shoes, colorful make up and red wig on again! I've been there and had the same reactions myself to myself and people around me.
I love this analogy. Will be stealing circus life.
It has been such an epiphany to learn about crap fitting! I do this with everything! Relationships, work, housing, food, etc. It’s part of my poverty mindset, “Something is better than nothing!” I’m not doing it anymore! 🥰
Honest question: What if it's not about an abusive parent? Because I had two very loving parents growing up, though I was always raised to be the good girl, but I see myself in so many of these videos.
I feel you on this. I wasn't physically abused and my parents were there, and loved me, but looking back I realize they were very abused themselves and so they couldn't quite be there for me the way I really needed, either emotionally or financially. I don't think they understood how to heal themselves so I was raised by very wounded people with self-destructive tendencies. I learned a lot of bad habits from them about relationships, communication, dealing with my emotions and self worth, and money.
Seeing how your parents failed you isn't always a total indictment of them as people. They can be "good" parents but also make mistakes; Just because physical violence isn't present doesn't mean a childhood is perfect.
Were you emotionally neglected? Being raised a “good girl” implies proper behavior or service to others matter more than needs. Kids want to be loved unconditionally, not just for being dutiful or obeying.
If you find that you relate a lot to the symptoms, the same techniques can help. Check out Anna's free Daily Practice course. If you like it, you can use the technique beneficially whether you had trauma or not. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Julie@TeamFairy
@@pennPi I could see that, because that's how they treated themselves. My mom was really good about talking to me about my feelings, and I didn't feel emotionally neglected, but there also was very much an emphasis on proper behavior and service to others throughout my family.
It was school bullying for me
You really are a remarkable person. You are brilliant.
"Hope is dope" so true
"But kissing, it's basically, you know, you just basically opened the big front door to the sex house" = There's SO much truth to this, but when you said it in the video, I laughed so loud that anyone in the house and possibly the neighbors might be wondering what the hell was so funny.
Such profound wisdom. Spiritually, emotionally and physically. A brilliant woman.
she's living proof that entropy is not inevitable and that it's possible to evolve from lower order experiences.
🎉👉❤ Crappy Childhood fairy! I just sent this link to all four of my daughters. If im going to heal they to shall heal ! Thank you so so much. Making a focus to my un focused mind! ❤❤❤ Loving it
And aged 58..soul survivor of a family if narcissists... sister/ brother all died in their 40,s. Still having relationships with dismissive avoidants...so warm, so loving yet not enotionally able to attach.
Oh boy, this hits home. I went to ten schools by the time I graduated from high school. Moved around so much in my childhood that at some point, I just shut down from the world. Now that I look back to my teenage years, I can see where my growth was stunted in a major way.
Because of your videos I'm having flashbacks of my past and it's shocking to think that I survived such a terrible family situation. I've always wondered if my maladaptaion to life was due to something genetic or inate.
Bed weeting, low level of anxiety, and inability to develop a solid personality are a few of the symptoms that I've always had. I've been a boat without a ruder my whole life going where the wind takes me.
Crapfit is a perfect way to desrcide it. From romantic relationships to jobs etc. I have become so good at it that's its a superpower now. With all that said I see that it's not a good thing to not have boundaries and standards for people in our lives. Presently I'm in a relationship with a wonderfull person but I'm not happy. My girlfriend is happy and she's betting on me to build a life with her. We've moved to a new country and are planning to have a family.
What I've realized is that this her dream not mine. I'm anxious about having a family because my childhood was so bad and I haven't healed from all the trauma.
Anyway thank you you for your work, I have found answers that I've been searching for here. ❤
As an update bro, how are things going? Are y’all still together?
@AlxndrHQ Things are fine, I went back to my home country to sort out things with my family. Being back home is a major trigger for me, especially since my family is so toxic.
I have gained perspective with regard to my relationship. Being away from her has made me realize how lucky I am and what an angel she is for me. The complete opposite of how I grew up, calm, loving, non judgemental etc.
So yea, we are still together. The long distance is not easy.
Thanks for sharing so much loving wisdom and insight, Anna, and for keeping it real. I just needed a Pocket Fairy 40 years ago before I crapfit the best years of my life to a toxic degree. But hey, super glad to have found you now! xo
It's unbelievable. I had tough conversations today with my mother and the amount of times she TOLD me what I experienced!
When people say "twin flame," I can't help but think, "Why would yall wanna be on fire? Sounds painful." I take things like this literally because I can't help but laugh at the absurdity of there only being one person on this planet of 7 billion for you. If this was true, wouldn't it be the smartest to be looking in Hong Kong or Mumbai since they have the most people? It's not true btw, we all have to settle for a person who is only capable of being close enough and giving you the bare minimum. You are the same for them too. Silly sallys!
💯👏👏
This a great topic/video. Thank you so much. This is so me. So many heartbreaking mistakes I made in the past.
Around 14:00 minutes, there was the suggestion to write down what we really want in a relationship. But this proposal raises 2 questions: 1) whether we even know what we want, and 2) how to determine whether what we want (or at least what we think we want) is realistic. This is an epistemological issue that everyone faces, whether or not they are aware of it.
I face the question of knowing what I want, by going with the flow, and honouring my emotions as they come.
Honouring the emotion is the most important thing..
Instead of trying to plan ahead, imagining scenarios or making lists, I let whatever comes, come, and I listen to the feeling I get when I have when I am faced with it.
It is easier (for me) by starting with friendships and work relationships, being constantly aware of how I feel everytime someone says or does something to me, and thinking, do I want this/did I want this.
If I don't, or didn't, want it, I reject it. I pull away from the person in that moment, or I say No to the situation. Not rejecting the person, just that specific thing that has happened.
If it is too late to reject it, or if the situation has already happened, I make a mental note to myself that I didn't want it, and I will reject it next time. Next time usually comes pretty soon, too soon to forget the note.
🙂
It's not easy. It's uncomfortable at first. But it feels good, eventually.
The only way to get it right, is to practise getting it right.
Yes. But don’t let #1 and #2 stop you. Do the practice anyway, because, in fact, you will get the answer to your questions AFTER the practice, but not before! Haha.. And what you want changes over time, as you change over time, so the answers might be different each time! Enjoy the process!
I could have written this. Very similar story. Took me so long to realise I was a crap fitter. In university it was so painful and I never ever realised I deserved better. But it is so engrained and learning boundaries has been so hard.
She's very young and can get therapy and come into a better place. Bless her.
I can really relate to not even having a ride home from the hospital. I was supposed to be admitted to the hospital from the emergency room but I couldn’t because my three year old was with me and I had no one to take care of him.
Men talk to women so they can sleep with them, and women sleep with men so they can talk to them
I am in the same situation, two boys, no family around, single mom, I do see hope looking at you. Thank you for sharing.
We're all rooting for you! -Calista@TeamFairy
She said she had the choice to stay as a nanny but even though she has nothing lined up, she decided to move on. The family didn’t let her go. She made that choice on her own. 🤷♀️
Its trauma
That "Knight in shining armor" may be your mental health provider. Be aware toxic people can work in this environment. I settled a lawsuit against my psychiatrist while seeking help for 35 year narc marriage. They are in the perfect position to inflict much harm. Experts at gaslighting.
Hey Anna! I subscribed to your newsletter and also wanted to get to the daily practice page but it won't let me because I live in Turkey. I think you probably don't know about this. I'd be glad if someone on your team checked the settings so people from other countries can view the site.
@crappychildhoodfairy
man, she speaks right to my soul
You have probably heard this before. I just realized how much you look like Diane Keaton!
I love the part of this video about friendships & having friends. I will say, appropriate 12-Step programs can be helpful there. Between sponsorship & fellowship, mutual support is a core part of all 12-Step programs.
Mine was : when i grew up .sadly i am old now and i am still abused.
You are helping to heal me daily. You content is amazing. I wish could send you a letter.
Here's how to send an Ask The Fairy letter. Thanks for watching!
Share an ATF letter: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
Julie@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you.🤗
Everyone has something to heal from childhood before or during getting into a partnership.
"Crapfit"😱😱
If someone says no I now turn my back to this person and go on with my happy life. I have no time to give away to emotional immaturity….
I experienced this with my father and it much worse as I got older and started going to school he wanted me to live his regrets and it was really tough on me. I’m 30 now and just cut him off, well he did it for me. I’m glad you got to see this at such a young age. ❤️
When I was a teenager my father said that no man would ever want me. So here I am still single at 63 .
What a terrible thing to say. 😢
💓💓💓
Bless you in your mind go back to when he said that and imagine yourself getting angry with him and stand up for yourself (Pete walker )
❤
Hope is the dope. So accurate!
Nanny positions do pay enough. You need a contract and It does take skills. It is not true that Nannies dont earn good money. You set the amount that you earn. It takes skills to negociate your salary. I make more than many people I know. It takes a good amount of dicipline. And nanny families are responsible for a lot of benifits. It saved me through the plandemic. When families, or you, decide to move on. It is not difficult to find another position. I think you are way off on this nanny thing.
There are no do overs - for childhood or anything else.
Maybe the supposed “divorced” guy is actually NOT getting divorced & is using the fellow who finally found the strength to actually be honest about his sexuality. Run girlfriend!
It’s not good to use someone..😢
I spent so many years trying to be the “cool girl.” I used to go to strip clubs with my ex husband and act like I wasn’t jealous just to show him how cool I am. I was definitely neglected as a child but it was kinda out of necessity. My parents had to work long hours to climb our way out of poverty. At one point I decided to quit being the cool girl and just be real and I think it was a good move. I still have a lot of baggage and mental hang ups though.
Why do people make drunk calls as being honest calls and put so much meaning around them? Hear it a lot.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Gerry and her limerance story was so helpful. Thank you for sharing ❤
Glad it was helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy
Holy Crapfit!! I have always tried to be cool in a relationship and wait for the love to show up, talk about nailing it! I am hopeful for ending this cycle after listening to this.
Glad the video was helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy
10:46 True
your channel has very much helped me to get therapy that I never had but should have experienced.
My parents were always supportive but I was given a misdiagnosis of bipolar before age 6 and this caused me to have to go through unnecessary therapy and abusive treatments that I never needed. it made me apprehensive about all things psychology, it made me have a very difficult struggle to find self love after I was alone for over 25 years of my life.
thank you for this content. if I had not stumbled onto it then I would never know how much of my psychiatric condition was actually due to complex ptsd and not due to something else.
Your information is SO comforting to me...I just wish I didnt need it. My mother absolutely WAS ( is!) a claasic textbook narcissist. I am now 57 and am hyper vigilant about how I treat my own adult kids. The ripple effect is profound and far-reaching. Its wild the damage they do.