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I was in Mexico with unending LOUD music at the resort. Couldn't get away from it so after a few hours I found myself just crying. Looked it up and found misophonia is a thing. Not sure if it's a trigger but I know I need quiet. Any kind if consistent man made noise will make me irritable.... to angry. Rap is probably the worst... or the bass of music
Also likely why I have such a wide variety of interests and so crafty 😂 I'm constantly searching for ways to "occupy myself" because that was what I was taught to do. Go somewhere, be quiet.
As a child of an alcoholic mother who went away to a detox facility when I was 2 after injuring me so badly I was hospitaised, I never once raised my hand in class even though I often knew the answer. I'm 81 and still feel and act invisible while crying inside. Thank you Anna for helping me understand.❤
I also became invisible...mostly to avoid conflict. I was neglected as a child and as an adult other women have often ostracized me so now I give up and just stay invisible. I do not ever go to group events and avoid work group outings as well as I am always the ignored one.
Helen you did not deserve to be treated so badly. Though I sometimes feel the way you described. My feeling is that I am not made for this world, and I can't wait to return home to heaven. I have gone no contact with my family of origin, that helped A LOT. Still anxious to return home though. Thanks for sharing dear one, from one kind soul to another.
Hugs and kudos to you Helen for trying to understand and work through your feelings. I’m sorry that you suffered and your voice wasn’t heard for so long. It’s never too late. ❤️
“Anything that feels terrible for you that you have to pretend is not terrible, is putting you in danger of dissociating.” Wow. Wish I would have seen this sooner.
I came here for myself, but now I've read these comments, I just want to give you all a hug. So much pain. Children survive their parents. Some of us just do so heroically.
My own mother survived her horrid childhood & I tend to doubt that any of us appreciated just how awful her childhood was. She went through a lot. I try to keep that in mind as I continue to work through my own healing process... Don't allow the people who hurt our parents to go on hurting us through our wounded parents, regardless of where you fit your parents into your life.
Be Centered, Grounded ad Balance in The Holy Trinity Having God in your mind centers you. Having Jesus in your heart grounds you. Having the Holy Spirit surrounding you balances you. Having the Holy Trinity divinely directs you and protects you.
One day, out of the blue, I understood completely how much God loves and cherishes me as I am. So I invited him to fill my heart with His Love and Heavenly Peace to overflowing. I felt his love surround me like a warm comforting blanket. I no longer worry about what anyone thinks of me. Whether they like me or not. Care about me or not. Knowing Jesus loves me by dying on the cross to save me from hell is more than enough for me! Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful (humbled and his disciples of peace). Colossians 3:15 NIV My heart is filled with so much of his heavenly peace that it overflows with heavenly love. I feel so loved and cherished. NO ONE AND NOTHING CAN EVER HURT ME AGAIN! Now, I am at peace with everything and everyone in my life. I can even forgive and bless my enemies! If you haven't already, I encourage you to invite him! He is knocking at the door of your heart waiting for you to open it so he can embrace you with Heavenly Love! JESUS SAID keep your mind on him and he will keep you in perfect heavenly peace. NO ONE AND NOTHING WILL HARM YOU WHEN HE'S IN YOUR HEART.
One of my triggers is to hear others speak amazingly about their mother, see how much they care for her, how they say they absolutely love their mother, and how they can hug her and be so excited about spending time with her and have fun. It makes me extremely frustrated not to understand where these people come from. My mother is a narcissist and treated me really badly as a child.
Yes. As a child I remember watching in puzzlement the way other families interacted, it was so weird to me. I know if I ever called my mother with good news she would immediately get on the phone to others and start complaining about it. When I had a heat pump put in my house there was no end of complaining that I didn't buy her one and what kind of money I was wasting and how stupid and how weak I am for wanting to be warm (mother thinks she is 'tough' by not using heat). Horrid people.
When I was in college, a class I had met 5 days per week and then we had a lecture twice per week with several other class sections. I noticed everyone from my section sat together, but no one had asked me to sit with them so I sat in the back of the lecture hall alone. I didn't look at or talk to anyone and I dreaded going to class because I thought no one wanted me around. After a couple of months a classmate asked me why I sit by myself in lecture. I told him it was because I wasn't invited to sit with everyone, and he said that nobody was invited, they just all naturally sat together. So then I sat with the rest of the group, we had a good laugh, apparently they all thought I was stuck up and thought I was too good to sit with them. Oops 😅I try not to ostracize myself anymore.
And yet we thought we had to be invited or that it was rude to impose. Or just too vulnerable. Like going out with the workmates who just talk amongst themselves and sitting there silently. Probably one of the lonelier trips to the pub, yet among people.
I had this EXACT experience recently. But also, in my experience, sometimes, when I was too "friendly," it was perceived as "invasive," like I was "forcing myself" on people, which then led to low-key defamatory sand-bagging and othering. It's definitely a balancing act. Also, consider that nobody thought to invite you over, but they admit they formed a negative opinion of you, but did not consider their own role in it. Things subsequently evened out, but don't think you are entirely to blame.
My mom gave me the silent treatment and always made a big show of how she liked my younger sister so much more than me. Even in my 30's when my sister had a baby and I visited her, my mom would come over and snub me and sit down with my sister and actually talk and laugh.
@@amber40494 I’ve heard of these things , Siblings can really turn into weapons. My mom who was generally a very loving person, was a little more loving to my Much older brother and him being older than me, I couldn’t do anything without asking his permission. She made my older brother into a parent figure who was definitely not in a stage to be a parent figured
I HATED being left out. My 2 sisters, friend groups, ladies group, anything, everywhere. I made a change. I ALWAYS invited every child and siblings to any party we had for my two sons. NO ONE WAS LEFT BEHIND. and they were included in the activity. Love and respect for all children. Not just the pretty or smart ones.
That's funny thanks for reminding me, I did the same or nearly the same: We lived in small flats so if ten children came to a party, I made 'going home' bags for ten but also extra bags for the siblings. I thought that way, they not only got the perk of goodies instead of being left out, they also wouldn't feel inclined to bully the party-goer sibling and steal ! .
Same, here. I learned from a boyfriend to invite everyone. But then let them take responsibility making their own arrangements. The more, the merrier is true!
Triggers from the video: Someone walks out of the room while you're talking to them Silent treatment Waiting for someone Feeling jealous and getting gaslit about it (feeling terrible and not being able to acknowledge that) Empty time Closeness with loved ones Watching other people enjoy social ease Seeing other people happy Being in groups Feeling overlooked Feeling judged Crapfitting (hanging out with people you don't like to avoid being alone) Feeling Condescended to Lots of good information. Thanks!
Beautiful quote I read that captures the essence of this topic: "I believe there's no such thing as overreacting; it's just that what someone is reacting to may no longer be what's in front of them." -Terry Real I am a small little man with a Napoleon complex on the journey of healing. No one will probably read this but I want to say thank you.
Please don’t apologize for having something so real and relevant to say to bring to the conversation. You have just as much right to speak up as anyone else.
Thank you for giving us such a lovely and succint quote! My therapist explained that concept to me once though not in those words. He'd had an interaction with my mother (who is generally a lovely person, but is herself the child of an alcoholic), and based on his reaction to the email she had sent him (she genuinely had no idea of how threateningly it would be perceived; she thought she was just giving him some information that might be helpful in my therapy. It was, though not in the way she meant it to be!) he was amazed at how little I "overreacted". He'd always assumed that my reactions were valid, but to past interactions, and when he found himself reacting that way, he almost had trouble understanding how I could handle things as calmly as I did. He actually started the session by apologizing to me. I suspect that having an emotionally abusive father whom we had to tread on eggshells around, taught me how to not react to things even when I want to.
Seeing other people happy is a huge one for me. I don’t even get excited over engagement announcements, weddings, baby announcements…I’m just indifferent or downtrodden, like how come they got it right but I can’t? It’s incredibly frustrating.
Me too. It’s like it’s Christmas and everyone else gets a present but me (only it’s love and a baby and their own home) and I’m expected to sit there and just be happy for them.
This, and also if something happens to me that’s exciting, I don’t want to share it with people/feel weird or gross talking about it. It’s like my brain doesn’t want me to enjoy anything.
I will never forget the joy on my father's face when he saw how hurt I was when he excluded me. Being ostracized and excluded was an enormously traumatic part of my life.
@@kittimcconnell2633 My dad pulled a prank one day when we were in the woods, he told me to get out of the car and fend for myself and if something comes for me to just climb a tree. I think I went out of the car and cried. He just said they had a sweet laugh out of my terror. I remember feeling abandoned, over and over but this one stuck to me the most. My whole family still laughs til this day, I laughed til the last time when the emotion of abandonment finally hit me. I was always left alone by him, whether or not he was frightening me, even when we made plans. I don't know if this is torture to be precise. When I asked him what was even the point of frightening me so much, he said he wanted to toughen me up. Now, I don't expect anyone to be there for me and I always feel like I'll have to keep pushing on my own. Trusting someone means they're going to leave you in the dark. When I read OP's comment, I feel empathy, non-judgment and general "Why did their father even do that? What kind of father is he?" but when I look back at my memory, I judge myself by asking why I'm so sensitive and overreacting to such a small thing.
@@uhwhat9732That was not your fault. There was a reason why you felt that way. But, as an adult, accepting the past and moving forward is what needs to be done. You deserve to be happy. There is wisdom in negative experiences. At least you know what not to do which is not to treat others like that. Godspeed.
@@SisterShirleyjust because they said it was a prank doesn't mean they didn't abandon you. That's gaslighting. Maybe your biology was triggered to survival mode for an environment that could be dangerous at any moment. You implying to yourself that you're overreacting because you're too sensitive is gaslighting yourself in the absence of your abusers. Practice the effort to recognize when it's happening, and to take your own side regardless of self doubt to end it., Good luck ☘️
It's completely impossible for me to be in a group of 3 or more people without feeling intensely left out, disliked, ignored, not valuable etc. Realizing the reason for this helps to handle the feeling and not lash out. I used to get very upset, hurt, mad at my best friend when we were in groups and I felt ignored. I don't have many friends bc I feel like I can only be around one friend at a time
You probably don't have the fake group mask and persona many wear. I stepped back from folks who ignored me, took a good look and realized they weren't good friends. Kinda like others were more concerned about the group taking turns coming up for air from a pond. In the long run, it may pay off. One group I was ostracized from 4 decades ago, most are dead from drugs, booze, whatever. Again, sometimes, it pays off to go your own way.
It's so strange to hear someone else say the words I've said to myself, and share the feelings I've felt for a very long time now. I've said verbatim, "I feel like I can only be around one friend at a time," since I was about 20--I'm 40, now. I feel like you stepped out of my journal. So crazy.
I think it’s important to acknowledge that it isn’t always obvious neglect/abuse but also those who lack emotional intelligence or bandwidth to nurture someone else. ❤
Yes, it's generational patterns. The parent was socially inept and closed off from other people due to their own traumatic upbringing, and they pass it along, even though they try to parent well. But the child knows something is off. The mother never learned to claim her own space, so she unconsciously treats the child as an intruder into her space. ("Go to your room." or "Go out and do something. Stop hanging around."/(i.e., "Get out of my space.") "Take your things to your room. Your things do not belong in the living room/kitchen."/(i.e., "Having your things in my space disturbs my sense of control." ) It's not from lack of love or lack of effort or from any outward actions of neglect or abuse. But the mother was an avoidant people-pleaser, turned her anger in on herself because she wasn't able to express it, and for the child, avoidance and turning inward, seeking solitude in a safe space was pretty much pre-ordained.
So accurate. I was additionally bullied in grade school that reinforced all of these triggers as well. Reflecting, I wonder if my emotionally neglectful childhood set me up in a way to be bullied? Did anyone else additionally experience bullying as a child?
That’s an interesting thought…I know the neighborhood girls started bullying me during the same time period that I was getting bullied at home by a sibling.
My mother, when she met her second husband, dropped me like a cement brick. She emotionally, physically, mentally stopped parenting me. Right then, as if on cue, I began being bullied at school, I was about 10 or 11. I can’t socialize in groups to this day, and I’m 52.
Im slowly coming into myself . I'm 55 and find myself giggling by myself sometimes . The laughter and joy that appears to have been "slapped " out of me as a small child , is now bubbling to the surface as I finally heal.. baby steps . I always felt fragmented . I was happy with friends but grouchy and angry at home when I married because that's how I was treated in my home I only learnt and understood my broken soul through watching videos like this .God helps me to find release as counselling is very expensive in my county.
Seeing other people with social ease who seem happy makes me feel separate and left out. I've never thought of it as a trigger, so I'm glad you included these.
I am the older sister and was mostly socially confident, our 3rd sister was not wanted at that time, our mom had had 3 babies already, first one adopted out, and she was overwhelmed and traumtised from her life. My sister began to blame me for her feelings....creating hostility in the sister relationship. We are working it out, gradually, in our 50's and 60's. This is spot on! Thank you, Good Fairy!
Hmm yes i was just out and met my landlady and i was chatting about the fridge shes very nuce then my fancy neighbour come over and i was asking if she eneded any fliurescent lights cos im ordering some and then they were both lookinng at me like i farted or something so i said gooby and they were smiling and grinning at me but not continueing the conversation. And i was like oh. Ok. Probaboy theyre just no in the mood to chat. But then im walking back later snd theyre still there talking. It happens all the time. I say oh ok probably dont be paranoid and its probably the other person just not in the mood and then theyre all chatting. Or ill be having a coffee and chatting to somone and saying oh i really need a night out and then they will meet other people i know and they will be all oh were going out later lalalla and nobody invites me to come. It just seems unfriendly. I try to be friendly to everyone and not judge and try not to think badly of myself but when that happens its like oh. Ok im the smelly kid whos got the torn packback qnd isnt invited to the party. I remember having my brithday party as a kid. Invited the whole class and one girl came. Was glad she did and she was very upbeat and positive about it and didnt even say anything mean sbout the food which was cous cous! I dont even know if i had cake or not. She was kind.
My gf is super sensitive to people getting treated better than she does. She was singled out as a kid and treated like she was a huge problem. She gets really defensive when she feels slighted by anybody.
I'm crying and I don't know why. I clicked on this video by accident and now I am crying. There was a stressful time in my family (illness) when I was 6 years old. I found that I was constantly complimented for being ' the perfect child', self-sufficient, independent, honour student, no tears, no drama, causing no issues. Keeping my thoughts and emotions apart from my family brought me praise .. always. Keeping myself apart was also how I hid that I was not 'Perfect'. How I kept up the allusion. I learned to keep myself apart from everything and everybody. Being alone makes me feel safe. It is the place where I can be me. Being in a crowd or a group makes me feel alone and stressed. Keeping up the perfect façade is exhausting and, at 65, I am alone. Subscribing to your channel to understand more about me.
Can you imagine a six year old rewarded/complimented for being self sufficient, no tears or drama! Oh! I have so much compassion for that part of you. I wish for you that you can be fully yourself, tears, anger, needfulness, all of it, and that you see the value of being you through your growing connection to yourself and others.
Me too. Which caused me to "have to be perfect " all the time. Did not go well with siblings or myself since I suffered always trying to prove that I was perfect. I didn't know how to deal with it, so much pressure. The pendulum has swung, unfortunately now I always tell my siblings of how NOT perfect I am. This is very emotionally painful. Now it feels like I think of ways to minimize myself to be relatable to my family.
At my last job I had people calling me from other departments saying things like “I’ve been told you’re a person who gets things done.” But that stopped being a compliment to me anymore as I started to feel like someone so desperate for scraps that I couldn’t say no, and never got the promotions that I thought this behavior would get me. Eventually I just plotted my escape and left one day. It seemed unbearable to be there another second feeling like a fool and a schmuck. I never understood where all of this stemmed from, and the role I played in it all, until watching these videos. Oh god, yes, watching other people just somehow magically knowing the unwritten rules while I didn’t get that set of instructions. That’s a huge one.
Oh yes. I get it. I've had bosses who were more than happy to \use me\ as their working horse bitch. I was dumb enough to think they liked me & I'd get a raise.
Omg that’s me… that literally is me. I eventually asked for a better job title (nothing else, just the words) because I was sick of actually doing the work but being regarded as “admin”. Enough was finally enough.
Omg... That was exactly me in my last job. I had undiagnosed learning difficulties as a child and was treated as inferior and dumb in my childhood for it. At my very first job I was so anxious, I didn't know any of these 'unwritten rules' in working environments and I would do practically everything my coworkers told me to do because my self-worth in terms of my own abilities was so low. I was paid less than my other coworkers, and they treated me like a working donkey. It didn't help the supervisor was a grade A narcissist who sniffed this weakness in me moment I walked in. When I heard the manager and supervisor had been talking about me being mentally 'slow' behind my back, I just dropped everything and left. Definitely opened scars that weren't fully healed for me. Reading your comment makes me feel less alone, being in a position desperate for scraps of approval is one of the worst feelings.
I finished listening, and I'm glad this was all explained so well. Yesterday being a holiday, I was home alone and was triggered into deep depression by the lack of family support. My immediate family is part of a cult and when I came out, I was disowned. I've been shunned by them for the last 16 years. My extended family knows about the abusive situation I was in and they avoid me. They talk with my parents more than me. And so yesterday, I was sitting at home dysregulated because not a single one of them texted me. They never do unless something is wrong or needed. I used to voice feeling left out, not being invited to Thanksgiving or holidays. They still don't. I came to the realization that I am indeed the black sheep and they don't care about me. They don't want me dead, but they also don't care to check if I'm still alive. From now on, I will no longer be pursuing their approval and affection. They have shown me where they stand time and time again. This video helped me understand a lot of why I felt so craptastical yesterday. Thank you for your clarity ✨️
Many of us spend holidays that way after walking away from these abusive families. God is slowly bringing caring healthy people into my life as I pray for moving forward. It will get better. I’m 62 and husband of 30 years walked away and moved 1000 miles away. He was a narc anyway so I didn’t care anymore. However doing it right after my oldest son died and left me with our youngest son was almost unbearable. Everything happened so fast. Family was always scapegoating so has to leave them behind also. God will heal.
The silent treatment is a huge one for me. My mother would do that with me a lot when I was a kid, even when I so much as expressed disagreement with her on something. My closest friend in high school used to do it to me too. It really is a form of emotional abuse.
I got that too, that and the other extreme, being bellowed at. Parents and then ex would do that and I had what I thought was a friend in college do that as well. “You’re so worthless and what you said/did was so horrendous that you’re not even worth acknowledging”. They may as well have just handed me a bottle of pills and told me to swallow them all.
i have had family members who are emotionally dysregulated scream, name call, rage at me, and then when i remove myself they accuse me of being punitive, withdrawn, and giving them the "silent treatment". all i am doing is holding my boundaries, but they see it as me being emotionally abusive and giving the silent treatment. i think it is important to note that just because someone isn't speaking to you, doesn't automatically mean they are abusive; it may be their only sane recourse to your abuse of them.
My first experience with someone giving me the silent treatment, was after I got a tattoo of my husbands name inside a heart on my ankle.He lost it! Why would you do that? I ignorantly thought he would know my reason. After months passed I had a cover up done, he didn't say a word, after for 7 days I counted , he didn't speak to me.I finally realized what he was doing.I asked him, have you not been talking to me for 7 days because I covered "your name" he said yes.I told him, you're ridiculous, you didn't like it! Then I didn't speak to him for 7 days. We never discussed that again!
I got that a lot from my Mom only she didn't seem to have a reason. Just general. I knew one thing: she didn't like me and I could not do anything well. She loves to dress me up and show me off but I was not able to be present. Her silent treatments were normal, usual, and often sullen. Yuk. I am leaving all this junk behind me.
My Dad passed away April 22nd, and I was amazed at how much childhood crap came back to bite me! At 60 years old, you'd think I'd be over it by now...guess not! Then this morning, this video pops up. Two days after the internment ceremony where I completely lost my composure and sobbed uncontrollably, and it seemed like I couldn't get anywhere near my mom because there were always people around her. I have four much-younger siblings and my mom has lots of friends and I felt like everyone was coming between me and her. I was so triggered and upset, I skipped the family luncheon after the ceremony and raged and sobbed all the way home (over an hour drive). Because of the age difference and the fact I have a different birth father who died when I was 4, I have always felt like the odd man out in my family. I really needed to hear this today.♥️
I am so sorry that you lost your dad. You've got two big things there: being the oldest is a lot of pressure and then also you feel left out of your family. ::hugs:: Glad you found this video!
No shit. Mine died recently. I'm 63. I had NO IDEA the WAVE of mixed emotions that came over me. I was suddenly right back there. I was so TORN by emotions I'd thought I had dealt with/supressed.
You were/are the red-headed stepchild. I share that terrible fact having been the "left over" child from my mother's previous marriage. My two step brothers, step father and mother are a family but I am the extra baggage. There are millions of us but that doesn't lessen the pain.
I wasn't just ostracized as a child. I've been ostracized as an adult. I've learned the less ppl in my life the more money I save by not buying a lot of birthday or Christmas present. I get to spend time taking care of me ,& my love ones. I have money to spend on important things & helping ppl who really need help instead of users who only take & never appreciate.
Yes! I get such pleasure when the sales clerk asks if they should wrap my purchase as a gift and I can say that it’s for me! Also, maybe it’s just me but I put a lot of time and effort into picking out just the right present and then I see the receiver being completely indifferent and talking about how they got a lot of ‘stuff’ at their birthday and they’re taking 80% to donate. No, my money and affections are better directed towards myself.
I wasn't validated as a child, which made me feel like an invisible ghost. As an adult I went to a self help group and we were filmed. I was convinced I wouldnt even show on the tape! I seldom raised my hand in class, if I did and got to answer, I was often wrong. Having ADHD did nothing but made me feel even more astranged from others. I really appreciate your information Anna, and your warmth!
I remember in elementary school other girls literally nicknamed me Ghost Girl because I was always quiet and floating around on the periphery and not making eye contact.
I have a co-worker who is my assistant, so we are together all day, every day. She had an extremely traumatic, neglected childhood. She used to storm out of the room if I dared to question or disagree with her over ANYTHING. ( I am the teacher in a classroom.) She is SUPER controlling and would constantly be telling me what I should do. In the past 6 years, I have learned to always stay calm, ( I'm naturally calm anyway) never raise my voice, never question her or criticize her in any way. ( Even when she freely told me all the things I should do differently) She no longer storms out of the room - even though I have seen the look on her face like she wanted to. I've tried very hard to show her that she is safe with me...........luckily, I am very competent in my job, and she sees that, so her contstant bossing me around has lessened every year.
It's very hard to have your own CPTSD and have to also encounter and cope with other people's CPTSD, especially if they're unaware and defensive about their behaviour. It gets confusing too where you can feel unsure about how much of the issue is about their stuff or your stuff.
I got ostracized by classmates as a kid and still decades later (just this week even) struggle in groups. I feel self conscious and anxious and probably give off that vibe you mentioned so I get stuck in the cycle of feeling left out but not being able to reach out then feeling angry or sad because no one reached out to me then feeling down on myself for not being able to get past this.
I hear you, we understand as few others can. If you're interested, Anna has a course called 'Connection Bootcamp' that teaches skills for creating more connected relationships. Here is the link if you're interested: bit.ly/CCF_Connection Sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
this is me. I am struggling to fit in at work. it doesn't help that there are only 4 of us and the girls are much younger than me. I'm 36 and they are all 21. they were all friends and each got the other one the job. except for me who applied on Indeed.
I so relate to this. I can’t deal with hardly any group situation because the tiniest hint that I’m not being spoken to as much as anyone else send me into an emotional spiral. I automatically think “There, see, this PROOVS I’m worthless and no one would even notice if I didn’t exist”. Then I get angry at the person who is not completely acknowledging me and freeze THEM out. I don’t belong anywhere.
Yes, it’s reassuring to know that we are one of many who feel like we do. But, why do we have to feel like this at all? Why can’t we participate in life (which is hard enough) without this crippling sensation? @@Julia-tf4gi
yes, when less of my needs are met in life and/or I'm going through a lonely time. i need those friends or friendly faces to extra include me. hopefully we can ask for that
Groups and finding my place in a social setting are the most triggering for me. I grew up emotionally neglected and moved a lot. I had to make and break friendships continuously , sometimes with ease , but mostly with a lot of effort. Having to go to a new social setting and establish friendships when everyone already has there friend groups has been the story of my life and it is a huge trigger. Lastfew times it happened to me I couldn't deal with it and I ended upon the outside, feeling very ostracized, even though I did it to myself. I'm going through this in uni again and it's so taxing emotionally. Some days I just wanna give up. I ve been trying the techniques but the hardest things about it is being consistent , I'll do it one morning and then forget the afternoon or the next day. Healing is soo hard , Its really something that you need to want for yourself.
I also grew up moving a lot, constantly coming into established groups and then having to leave them. I did have friends in uni cause I felt for the first time we are all starting from scratch… there weren’t established groups already. A lot of my friends were through my relationship tho, and when that didn’t work out, the friends left too. 15 years after uni, again moved to another country and now I just have no patience in conforming to a group, grovelling and being super social and amazing to fit in to some snotty group that would neglect my needs anyway. I consider myself a lone wolf now. I can still be social when I want to be but I conserve my energy and don’t try to make friends. I focus on healing and loving myself and loving my stability. All the best in uni, sometimes the best things happen when you’re focusing on yourself and not trying to make friends :)
I hear you, i have similar experiences. I am older now and my conclusion about 10 years ago was not to give up. Life is a gift and we all came here to do something unique of who we are, no two humans alike. If we don’t do it-it wont get done
Going through parent alienation now. Haven't seen my 16 and 18 year old daughters in almost three years. They were, literally, the only people I loved. And I was a darned good mom. But the abusive ex always said he would bury me for leaving him. Just didn't know he'd use the girls to do. Can't believe they let him
@@Thoughtworld1984 They likely didn't let him they were still children they are prone to being manipulated by people like that please don't take it personally! You can still reconnect fight for your connection to your daughters!
I wasn’t abandoned or ostracized by my family, but my family were ostracized by the community in which we lived, and the schools we had to attend. Everyone else ostracized me and still do. The few close friends I had all abandoned me. My one serious love relationship betrayed me by his lies. Now, my family is gone, all passed away. I’ve kept to myself outside of family for many years. Now, I keep to myself entirely.
Both mother figures of mine growing up (bio mom and stepmom) were emotionally abusive and neglectful. Your mentioning of being gaslit reminded me of my stepmom who would always shame me for “being too sensitive” and act like I was being dramatic when I was upset by something rude or untoward she said to me. She’d tell me a lot to “stop sulking” so then I had to try to fix my face to pretend to look happier so she felt better. So now I’m hyper paranoid of seeming too self-pitying or attention seeking and try to downplay the impact others’ behaviors have on me. Thanks to them I have a lifetime of feelings of inadequacy to unlearn.
My mum used to call me faceache if I was sad or scared. She had no insight that I had feelings. Then when my daughter started to be depressed when she was 12 or so, and was not happy when I expected her to be, I was confused and did not know how to handle it. I still feel guilty that my issues have damaged my precious girl.
Yes my mum would say "oh stop being so neurotic". it cut like a knife. Every day after school I was being chased by a boy that wanted to beat me up. At school they dragged me around and called me Rake. My mum said "Pull yourself together, stop sulking" Then she left. No explanation given.
My bio mom and dad divorced when I was around 3 and my dad started dating this woman he had babysitting us all the time and when I would miss my mom and I would cry about it she would actually mock me and say waaaa I miss my mom waaa I’m a baby it got so bad that it was just easier to forget my mom and I did until I was five and she just showed up on the doorstep and I had no clue she was at all. I’ve never been able to connect with people and often they think I’m just stuck upor that I think I’m better than them but I don’t. I just don’t know how to connect to people because he just ostracize me anyway.
This video just made me realize one of my biggest triggers I never thought of. When In a confrontation someone tells me I am overthinking, or overreacting. Even when said in a kind manner it absolutely sends me off the edge. This was really helpful.
@@helenhighwater5313 They're all examples of someone invalidating your feelings. I think it's healthy to not like it when someone does that to you, it means you recognise that you deserve to have your feelings validated.
I get the "overthinking" comment a lot...all my life. Nowadays, however, I really really think there are *way* too many people who are... UNDERTHINKING things. I also hate being told I'm overreacting, especially by someone whose approach to life is "ignore it and maybe it will go away" while they wait for someone else to handle everything for them.
It’s the not being considered that really gets me. The realization that when others got together that they never even thought to include me. It boggles my mind. I dont treat others this way….
Wow…just reading the title drew me in. I have been thinking about this quite a bit lately and how much of a trigger feeling excluded is for me. I was the 2nd born to two professors, my dad a narcissist and drinker (took a job teaching in Hawaii and left us behind in Ca when I was 8) and my mom conflict avoidant and working all the time. My older sister (3yrs) was the most constant family member in my life and I looked up to her but she hated me from the moment I was born. I think it was her reaction from being the only child with a narcissist parent and she did her best to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough or smart enough to be a part of our family. She was ruthless and excluded me every chance she got. My mom was my only safe person but she was always working and whenever she did happen to be around when my sister would torment me, I’d run to my mom and tell her and my mom would just say, “Oh no she didn’t, or no she wasn’t trying to leave you out.” She’d deny my painful experience of being excluded and rejected. So I grew up with this exclusion wound, invalidation wound, and incredibly disconnected from myself…I learned that what I felt wasn’t valid and couldn’t be trusted. It’s my biggest trigger by far, being invalidated. It’s so interesting to me the types of people my sister and I became as adults. My sister is all about herself. It’s her way or the high way and she doesn’t care what others think of her in the slightest bit. She will be the first to admit that she’s on the spectrum, even though but was never diagnosed with autism. I grew up the complete opposite, hypersensitive to the emotional state of the people around me and completely boundary-less. I feel other peoples emotions so strongly and learned that love =approval. Several years ago my fiancé died suddenly (talk about abandonment trigger) and that was my emotional bottom. I wanted to die. I had something called complicated grief. I felt so misunderstood and judged by my family and that was the turning point for me. Because for the first time in my life it was more painful to be around other people than it was to be alone with myself. And it was so painful but I learned to find safety by going within. It was like his presence in my life planted a seed or a doorway, that I was enough and that I was lovable just for being me, and his departure from my life was probably the only thing painful enough for me to finally walk through that door, explore, and build a relationship with myself. I’ve come so far, I still struggle but I understand myself and my patterns and I have learned tools so that I don’t react. The hardest part for me has been to stop seeking approval and people pleasing. That fear of rejection is strong and I often catch myself gaslighting myself but I know I’m on a trajectory towards healing and that gives me hope to keep going. Thanks for making this video, it really helped me connect some of the dots and I’m so sorry you lost your dad. When people die it’s so hard not to go back and wish we could have done something differently, but I have found that the love between two people can never be broken, not even by death. I hope those letters help you maintain your connection with him as I’m sure he is so very proud of the person you have become and how you have managed to turn your pain into a passion to help others heal. Lots of 💕
hypersensitive to the emotional state of the people around me and completely boundary-less. I feel other peoples emotions so strongly. This one really struck a chord for me. I have empathy for everyone but myself.
Through your talk just now, I just realized I have deeper trauma than I thought I did from my boundaries being violated when I was young. No wonder I keep distance. No wonder I get anxious when others have crossed my invisible bubble. Giving me goosebumps to compose this now.
I agree with your statement. I am so grateful for this video to help me give my triggers a name. I had not realized it’s so much worse than I thought. What a trickle down effect happens in our lives.
I was hospitalized for a long time last year and am forced to move back in with my parents as a 34 year old. It is a minefield of old childhood trauma. It is unbearable. I'm learning things about my parents that I never realized as a child.
This is so healing. It’s hard for children to understand why their own family appears to hate them. It never occurs to many that the parent may be triggered by the child’s extroversion or happiness. How would a child possibly know that? But this video can show these children it really isn’t their fault; it really is the parents’ wounding (even if the parent blamed their contempt of the child’s personality).
This resonates so much with me. I hate feeling like I'm being left out, or ignored. So when I go into a social setting, I just disengage and try to act like I don't care to be a part of anything. My Dad was an alcoholic and frequently out at bars, and when he was around he was usually drunk. Plus in highschool all of my friends abandoned me. It's awful how these things still affect you so much later in life.
I felt like she was talking to me directly. I’ve never been able to express these INTENSE feelings. I just always thought I was weirdly possessed by sadness and resentment, but it is nice to meet myself again.
When everything you do is scrutinized and diminished and criticized, how could you know? I get it. I'm a horrible, stupid person according to my mother. I don't ever remember her building me up, just tearing me down. I had my grandma though. Thank God
WOW, this is SO spot on! Wasn't neglected by my family but was picked on/bullied as a kid and, yes, loyalty is a big one for me as an adult. Thanks so much for this!
Anna that story about your dad broke my heart for the 15year old you, and yourself now. That is heartbreaking and I’m thankful you channeled that pain into helping others.
I can relate having lost my dad when I was 11 to a car accident. I know I was his little “princess” as he would play with us/me, dance me around, and listen to me pour my little heart out. Mom was overwhelmed with five children and did the best she could but was raised without the communication and the playfulness. His loss jacked me up in so many ways all my life; you were talking to me in this video. I’m now divorced twice and live on my mom’s five acres in my 5th wheel-a reverse “mil” situation. I care for the property doing lawn care and have become quite adept at driving her tractor, lol. She’s 91 so I care for her, too. She’s only now giving up driving relying on me for taking her shopping and to appointments. I’ve had to call for an ambulance more than once; she’s in congestive heart failure and A-fib. But she’s quite ambulatory and cooks for herself, dares for her bodily needs, and gardens. Eventually I will move into her daylight basement when she is unable to do these things. I’ve come to know her more as a friend, a woman, and that we like our little bit of privacy that exists from me being in separate living quarters. Losing my dad was horrible! I still miss him everyday, but look back on my life as a series of lessons. My first husband is gone and the second has become a friend, still narcissistic but I don’t have to live with him now so we can get along. He helps here at the farm when needed. I miss having someone in my life but am realizing the perks of being “alone” (make my own decisions, come and go as I please though I let mom know if I’m leaving and when I’m back, to buy or not to buy is up to me, etc.). I still have work to do but thank you for helping me be ok with where I came from and how it affected me and my sibs.
Has anyone else not only been abandoned in childhood by their parents but also in adulthood? When I was 30, my Mom died suddenly, it says undecided on her death certificate for cause. Not too long after that, my father (who I used to wait at the window for as a kid) moved to Thailand permanently without telling me. Being the only child, I feel like I get triggered more often.
Yeah. My dad abandoned us when I was 5, moved to the other side of the city, then moved to the other side of the world chasing a woman. We were left with our abusive BPD mother. Then when I was 21 he broke up with the woman and moved back to Oz “to be near his kids” and instead of living close to us, he chose to be 1 1/2 hours away by car and most of us didn’t drive yet. Then he has spent the last 20 years looking for new wives in Vietnam. He snuck in a surprise wedding to his new wife 4 years ago to a woman 3 years older than me with two children and WABAM! Dad has a new family, we all just got replaced. So yeah my siblings don’t celebrate Mother’s Day or fathers day with our parents.
Wow, I'm 60+ and still hate waiting(If I dropped them off and am waiting in the car) for someone...I'm SURE they won't come back. Your insight and ability to put "this" in words has been a miracle for me
Grew up with constant screaming or uncomfortable silence. Not physically abandoned but definitely emotionally abandoned. Thank you so much for your informative and nurturing videos. They have prompted me to reflect and journal. Just so much more comfortable being alone most of the times. Jealousy used to be a huge issue for me during my younger years. Jealousy no longer serves me and is unhealthy, I’ve learned to walk away. Sadly, my mother was always jealous and competitive with me. NC I’m sorry for the loss of your father.
Sometimes, it's so difficult being a parent with C-PTSD. I am working through my trauma and triggers, which lead to me being late, checking out, etc...with my own children. 🥺I can't look at myself sometimes, because of the guilt I feel...that giving myself grace and the process of working on healing my emotional wounds, is probably inflicting those same wounds on my own children. 😢
I have the same thoughts and I can already see that some of my karma was transferred to my child. It is just impossible to heal everything like a miracle, because there are so many interrelated issues and problems a bad childhood causes. Anxiety, self esteem, social problems, PTSD, etc. That is why even watching these videos sometimes makes me depressed, because there would be so much to do, and healing is so painfully slow and never ending. And children grow up in a few years, not to mention, raising them gives you little time to focus on anything else. BUT. With all the above in mind, I also see them becoming much better people then I am. I am beginning to believe that we have to give up the notion that we can completely heal ourselves and not pass on anything to them. These are generational wounds/ ancestral karmic imprints that were repeated over several families and it is not possible for one person to overcome them in one swoop. We can do out best. We can be open with our kids about some of our struggles and encourage them to be open with us about what they face or may face in the future. We can be mindful of not swinging to the other extremes, out of need to protect them. And we can pray for them and for us to be shown the best ways, while continuing to do this work.
Thank you! I have or used to have...every single trigger you listed. I want to heal my 'core wounds,' but I also don't want to lose the good things, and intense ability to empathize, that living through so much trauma has taught me. If you could do a video about not losing yourself after healing!
Don’t be hard on yourself. Your parents didn’t give you a good example of how to parent. You are doing your best and you care about your kids. I feel the same way all the time but I try to give myself grace because I really am doing my best.
When you said I still miss him,burst into tears ,I really miss my dad too.he’s been gone 23 years now and my mother is 82 lives on the other side of the country (and Australia is huge), she has alzheimers and will forget me forever soon😢
A compliment and a question. You seem to be so comfortable talking in front of a camera to a large audience. You have excellent public speaking skills. You presentations flow. You never lose your place when you go over "bullet points". Are you reading from a script or maybe prompts that help you stay on track? I just love watching you speak with such elogance. You express yourself in a very clear, refined, and polished manner. I wonder if I can practice becoming that way? There I go again, comparing myself to others!
This has always been a major trigger for me and I always ask myself how I am creating the situation. How am I making myself feel I don’t belong? Sometimes you’re right- I realize I didn’t really want to belong in the first place. I hope someday I’ll find my people even though I do believe we are all each other’s people!! It’s a hard one and I’m not giving up.
Lately I've been fitting in better, and it's a funny feeling. Instead of being worried about fitting in, I simply go out into the world with the mission to spread Love Joy and Happiness. It's hard to describe but by giving out Love vibes we attract more people to us, rather than putting out fear vibes. I know it sounds weird, but it works. I'm older and was at an event and a much younger co-worker was there- she grabbed me by the hand and took me around introducing me to her friends, and people I had come across just out and about were coming up to say hi. At almost 60 I had never had that before and it's odd :)
Another trigger I don't think you mentioned: gossip. Talking behind people's backs is so triggering for me because my "non-confrontational" (ie: fake) parents do it all the time, and they do it smugly, and when I hear other people doing it my mind starts wondering "are they talking about me behind my back as well?". And that sends me into an anxiety spiral that ends up with me absolutely depleted and depressed and wanting to see myself out from the group and society at large. It's exhausting. Re: the condescension trigger: It's tricky to navigate, when you don't know what the other person knows you always run the risk of either underestimating them and sounding condescending, or overestimating them and leaving out important information. Or you can also do what I do which is to bug them with questions to try to get as clear a picture as I can, which avoids both of the previous scenarios but is also incredibly annoying for everyone involved 😅
I started a job recently and left after 3 days. My immediate supervisor gossiped non stop, negatively. When the big boss asked why I was leaving I said "when someone gossips TO you they will gossip ABOUT you". Life is too short for all that garbage.
Omg gossip about me is such a major trigger! Luckily I didnt have this often in life but the couple of times I heard gossip about myself I had such a meltdown...
Hello bright little flame... After a family gathering at my in laws, the father *always* gossiped and found fault, with the son/daughter in-laws, when they left... I'm not sure why, but I asked him, " *What do you say about me, when I'm not around* " His face turning red, he shrugged his shoulders and smiled... speechless. I was actually pleasantly surprised with "myself" and was sincerely open & ready, to hear what he had to say. If someone important in my life has changed their attitude towards me, I'd like to know why. Without getting into my past, I can honestly say, mean, nasty people exist. Whether they're family or strangers. Though it saddens me greatly, to have my family blacklist me, I've come to realize, it's a reflection of them, not me. Now grown, they don't seem to have a use for me anymore, as I was the "scapegoat", "whipping boy", "easy mark"... I apologize for rattling on, but I'm almost done... I got two short stories for you, or anyone if they're interested... I recently went to dinner with a long-time friend. In passing, she mentioned an old boy friend, who broke her heart and how it devastated her. Then she asked me if I ever had my heart broken. After some thought, I said yes. My family broke my heart... She's known me for over 30 yrs, and understood. (My answer was sincere and very telling, for me) After seeing a 'Trauma Therapist' for 6 months, she said something to me, that puzzles me, to this day... She said, "I'm in awe of you". Confused, I asked her why. She said, "With everything you've survived and lived through, *_you chose compassion_* " I was voiceless and dumbfounded. Someone actually used a wonderful word to describe me... Boy oh boy, food tastes so good, when you're hungry. But seriously, after giving her observation great thought, and myself a deep study, I could see her point. Which may explain why It's difficult to understand how/why some people can be so very unkind... Personally, dealing with cruelty and self worth, is one of my challenges... PS Usually, I find most people pretty friendly and receptive. As a people, we enjoy "good company", even on a short term basis... _HAVE FUN & KEEP SMILING_ ... I dare ya. 😜
This reminds me of a friend I had for years. We were both bullied and bonded over that fact, and would usually joke to each other and talk smack about people who were consistently rude to us. Then one day she had a shift, and said she couldn’t participate in talking negatively about anyone any longer. I said sure, that’s probably a good idea, I’ll chill out too. But she didn’t stop there, she soon would freak out at me any time I hung out with anyone else, out of fear we’d be talking about her (she almost never came up in conversation). She also did the barrage of questions trying to find out details and info. It was annoying, but being an anxious person as well, I understood. Yes, people can tell what you’re doing, and it is annoying, but I also think it’s a symptom of something bigger that needs to be treated/looked at. She didn’t believe she had any issues, so she never sought help. She had a much worse childhood than I did, and I wouldn’t be here if CPTSD didn’t rule my life for the past 30 years. We aren’t friends anymore because her refusal to acknowledge there was a problem impeded her mental health so much it changed her as a person. I really, really wish you all the best, and I’m glad you’re here.
Wow- I’m a rational, thoughtful person who can keep it together 99% of the time. However when you got to “waiting” and explained how and why that can be a trigger, I found myself mysteriously bursting into instant tears. So, so powerful. I feel profoundly understood. And then I got to the part about you and your Dad, and his letters. And this time I cried for 15 year old Anna. Thank you for all that you do, and what you share with us. Finding your channel has changed my life. I am so grateful. ❤
Still feel like this. Happened the other day when I was with my wife's kids, which are all adults. It felt like I wasn't even there for them. After 16 years with my wife, I'm used to it now and it doesn't feel as bad as before. I take care of the 2 grandkids and it feels ok. The grandson is 2 and just loves me so much that I don't feel the pain I had before. The granddaughter is 3 months old and she is such a sunshine as she always smiles. Love those 2 kids so much so now, I'm just there, talk just a bit and my loving wife just smiles at me and she makes me feel so good. I've learned to understand that it's ok to not always be in every conversations. Took me a long time to accept it as I'd go home and cried alone feeling abandoned. When put in the effort and saw it differently, it started to feel way better. I'm so lucky to have the most amazing understanding wife, best friend and partner. My mom took her life at 40 when I was 19. My 2 families disappeared. After my divorce, my 2 daughters disappeared. I am now almostv62 and at peace. Hard to belive I went through all of that.
People telling me things I already knew used to really bother me. It became exhausting to say "I know" all the time. So, sometime in my early 20s, I decided that it didn't matter if anyone knew that I already know. It's only important that I know that I already know. I also learned that many people just like to teach as a way to feel good about themselves, so I let them. After that, even the ones that would make fun of me for not knowing something hold no power over me, I don't feel exhausted, and I feel free. Now, I'll even question people more about something I already know, because they might actually know something that I don't. I changed my perspective to a humble one, and I'm so much stronger and more patient because of it. Now, I've noticed that my mother has that "I know" fever, and frustrates herself with it. I've tried to gently help her understand the things I've learned around that, and she understands.
All of these sharings made me cry.. And felt aches in my heart.. There's memories associated with all the points she made.. 😔. I am that neglected, abused and abandoned child.. If not by my parents, maybe others..when I was a kid.
Crap-fitting to shitty friend groups can be quite useful when you need to get out of the house as a young person still living with abusive family. For years, I'd hang out with friends who used me for rides, free food, etc. I'd also hang out at a coffee shop for hours on end reading and drinking coffee till my heart was racing. Now I have to try not to be a complete home-body because for the first time in my life I have a peaceful, beautiful home with lots of natural light and soft colors. My mother's home had (and still has) black curtains and blinds and the blinds/curtains were always closed in our home. Perfectly fitting for the darkness that lured in that home. So grateful to be free.
I was in an awkward social situation where normally I’d just not join in and leave. This time, I took a short walk and returned to join in with the socializing and it went fine. Good job everyone. 🎉❤
1. I used to follow people around when I visited them at their place. A. I also used to freak out when my husband needed to walk away from an arguement. I used to panic that he was leaving me forever. Omg! The waiting! 2. Get over it! Was the #1 statement in my house when i growing up. 3. I never ever "stayed friends" with exs, i was like, " want to break up? Fine. Dont need you. Dont ever reach out to me again." Yes. The social one. Always felt outside of any group. I went to a bonsai conference this past weekend and one things you can do is pay to watch the demos and workshops, but you cannot be involved. Just realised, that was a huge trigger. Thank you! This explains why I was so very drained when I got home and why i was acting out! Thank you Thank you!
I walk out of the room when i start to feel ignored or excluded and/ or I’m being disrupted in the middle of my words because they clearly see me as unwanted so it’s a waste of my time and oxygen even talking to them when they don’t care to hear .
i love what you said at about 9 minutes in when you said the stuff about not being able to speak up when people do terrible things to you, having to pretend that something isn't affecting you when it is, and how what that looks like in the age of division is a form of narcissistic abuse...!!! i reached my own conclusion that it's narcissistic abuse a while ago and it was validating to hear it from you !!
This is the greatest struggle of our time next to first becoming consciously aware of the abuse so you can speak up about it in the first place. Practicing stoicism helps ☘️
My parents divorced when I was three- after my mother "kidnapped" me and my sister and took us three states over... didn't see my dad for 2 months. Went back and forth between states every MONTH for 2 years... had to leave behind schools and friends multiple times. My parents weren't the emotionally stable people I needed, besides. Through my adolescence and young adulthood, I had no idea what to do about my intense feelings of terror at the thought of people leaving me, and as you could imagine, i had almost no skills for making friends. Therapists wanted to treat my depression and anxiety as the "root" of my isolation- they didn't care to look for what the root cause could be. I stumbled across your videos 6 months ago. Something clicked, and so much finally made sense. I'm scared this damage is too big and too deep to heal, but I'm going to do it anyways. I just wanted to thank you for helping me see some sense for the first time in a long time.
I got really triggered yesterday when a sibling asked me if I was going to another family members 80th birthday saying how many members were from out of state and that we should all go because we are getting older. But I wasn't told about it so not invited. I felt so triggered all day. My childhood was very chaotic drug addicted parents..the whole 9 yards. The party is at the goldens house and my role was scapegoat.
Mom was an alcoholic, my dad was my safe buddy…. Until I went to grade school. He was brutal to me when I struggled to learn. I felt that I was abandoned by my only safe place! Never had a good relationship with him after that! . Thanks Anna!!! 💜💜💜🙏☯️🙏💜💜💜
@@joan.nao1246 It’s so exhausting being me🤨😂 Sometimes I feel good, I’m getting good progress, then a strange trigger takes me down 🙄🤨🙄 But, I keep trying 🙏☯️🙏
My Dad was sooo brutal to me too... would actually threaten me, one time said he would kill me for not getting math and it scared me a lot I ran out of the house and down the street
Thank you for acknowledging abandoment due to parental incarceration. Most therapists and life coaches leave that out bc they assume a privileged audience
I switched primary school in 5th grade because one teacher was a family friend and my parents didn't want him to give me good grades because of said friendship. The school ordered my books too late and I had to rely on my classmates for weeks to manage homework because I didn't have books to study from. I met a girl who switched schools too and I thought we would be friends at least till we went to high school. We called each other back and forth (it definitely wasn't one sided) for moral support and asked things from each other if we didn't understand something. One day I heard my classmates gossipping behind my back that I was harassing her (she had no backbone to tell that to my face, I'm a girl too by the way). After that I stopped calling her altogether and when I saw her calling I didn't answer. When asked why I didn't answer the phone I shrugged my shoulders and told her to get help from someone else "who doesn't harass her". The disbelief on her face was priceless. Also everyone had enough of me begging for books as if it was my fault that my books came later. I got them two months later. I vowed to never let myself so vulnerable again and I kept distance from them. I never went to social events for school, skipped school trips too. Became a loner. At first I let my classmates copy my homework (yes, after all of that crap) then gave them the finger all through 4 years. They sat beside me on tests believing that I'll help them. I did that a few times in the beginning but when I needed help I was rejected by them so I did the same. I sat in the first desk apart from the others to protect myself. During class reunions I refused to attend - petty or not - I didn't care. To this day that first encounter is still a vivid, painful memory and I do nit wish to acknowledge any of those people.
I think u behaved strongly and confidently. It takes courage to reject manipulators. But your parents.....merciful God what nightmares. Not caring about child s adjustment but for superficiality more. Who cares whether your grades were just or not? It s just grades....goodness
I think that snobby people and snobs are the worst. They sense that you're different, tell their friend group, then they all snub you. That's why when I grew up I dumped two of my boyfriends (I'm gay) that treated the waiter like crap. I knew what it was like to be treated less than, and to be snubbed.
Oh, this video hit home. I just found your channel last week and I want to say thank you! I've only watched a handful of videos so far but you have already helped me in some ways. I lived with my mum, dad and half sister who is 6 and a ½ years older than me. My mum and dad split when I was 7, but they were never a true couple. I used to think it was normal for my mum to live upstairs and my dad to live downstairs. I can probably list on one hand the times they would be together on the sofa, or acting like a couple at all. When they split, I was left to live with my mum and half sister and I saw my dad once or twice a weekbut it impacted me a lot. My mum has always had a dependency on alcohol. From as young as I can remember she has drank, and that only got made worse when she met my stepdad when I was 8. He also loved to drink alcohol, so together it made for a toxic combination. I always had my general needs met. I was clothed and fed but it wasn't an easy house to grow up in. My mum was emotionally neglectful. She'd walk off when I was trying to show her things or talk to her, she'd mock me for having feelings or for being upset, she was very big on control and if I'd done something 'wrong' then she would easily go a whole week without talking to me. I'd literally just stay in my room for a week and do my best to avoid her because I couldn't stand the silent treatment. Friday and Saturday evenings were the worst, because that's when she would drink the most and it was always after the 2nd or 3rd drink that she would change and get nasty with someone. I never felt the protection from her that a child should feel from their mother. I felt like she would make me the pit of the joke rather than stand up for me. She let my stepdad move in with us after a month or so of meeting him, and she was always trying to appease him. My stepdad could be really condescending and would always belittle me, even as I got older. If I ever had an opinion he'd just laugh at me or scoff like I had no idea what I was talking about. My older half sister just seemed not to like me for most of my life. At least that's how it came across to me as a child. Now that I've grown up, I see that she actually had her own issues and her own trauma with my mum and her own dad (who was not present in her life until she was around 12/13). She tried to form a relationship with me when I was 16/17 but it was a bit late to form a close bond with her after so many years of negative emotions attached to her. I did try though because I could see that she was trying. As I'm older though, I see that I was the scapegoat for pretty much all 3 in the house. I moved half way across the world when I was 18, I needed to get free from the toxicity. And then when I told them I was moving, they all couldn't believe it. My mum says I broke her heart moving here and I still shake my head and try to make sense. She had 18 years to care and form a true bond with me, and all that ever mattered was my stepdad and alcohol it seemed. Im 28 now, and last year, they came for a holiday to see me and enough was enough. A week in, both my mum and stepdad were drunk and got nasty, so I finally stood up for myself. Of course that didn't go well. I was labelled evil, an ice queen, a little bitch. But I had had enough. I have two children of my own now, and they don't seem to understand that their behaviour negatively impacts me, and that I don't want my children exposed to that. She's never acted like my mother. Even when she was over last year, before we had a falling out, it was like I was being analysed with my own children, as another thing that was thrown out at me was that I was too full on with my children and I'll end up ruining them. I couldn't believe it. My children were 6 and 4 at the time and I'll admit I am very hands on with my children. I've also been a very affectionate mother, with hugs and kisses and I tell them I love them everyday because I know how important affection is. Hell, I grew up without it and I know how much it affected me. My mum and stepdad no longer talk to me now. It's like I don't exist. So the moral of the story for me was either put up with the BS or otherwise I don't exist. I've been working hard the last year or so but thank you again for your channel, because the healing journey isn't an easy one. Hope everyone else can find peace on their healing journey🤍
Ow wow the part about your mom walking away in the middle of you talking to her made me cry for you. I mean all of it did but that one especially got me. And the "I have to admit I am very hands on with my children" - you shouldn't have to admit that as if it's something to be ashamed of and it's natural for a good mom like you to want that for your kids - so kudos to you for rising above and being a better parent than yours were. My heart goes out to you. I hope you feel better soon, sending you good vibes!
One of my triggers comes out when I am talking within a group of people who are standing. I am very tall, so I don’t know if this is just my thing or what…but it seems a common occurrence that a short woman will come and position herself directly IN FRONT of me, placing me behind her, as if I’m being pushed out of the group. It sets me the F off like you wouldn’t believe. I usually have to remove myself before I make an ass of myself. And yep, I was bullied and ostracized by neighborhood girls from ages 6-11.
Reframing: What if they are flirting with you? Short women sometimes feel very vulnerable, so standing in front of or next to a very tall man they feel safe around can make them feel protected. Next time it happens, put your hand on her shoulder. If she looks up and smiles, you're gold. If she shrugs you off and moves away, then you won't feel cut out anymore.
Similar but Opposite - I was always very small for my age (I'm quite normal now) and routinely felt ignored or treated as less than... even now I'm convinced people talk over my head or act as if I'm not there. This happens frequently in shops and restaurants for instance. and it really bothers me. Just the other day I was waiting for ages to speak to the pharmacist in my local chemist shop - when I finally confronted him he told me he thought I'd gone - I WAS STANDING THERE!!
For the longest time, I didn't understand why people found me annoying, why I felt left out in social situations like school/work or wound up in frustrating situations when, as far as I knew, I was just being myself. My father is an alcoholic. He was never attentive when he was drunk and my mother always had to keep him from being destructive. They tried their best, but in the end, my parents never seemed to have time to tend to my emotions as a kid because they were "busy". I only just now realized that this video describes my entire life. This is a lot to take in but thank you Anna for clarifying things.
I sadly went through all 3 examples you used at the beginning of the video. My mom died of cancer when I was 8 - my father was a distant alcoholic who remarried when I was 10. She left when I was 12. My 1st day of Grade 7 I came home to a half empty house when my stepmother left. She took many things that were my mom's & took all the food in the house. I had to go to the corner store to get my Dad & I TV dinners for supper. I've struggled with feeling abandoned my entire life. I'm 54 now & have learned to live with it but it's a trigger I don't think I'll ever get over. My son also has huge abandonment issues due to severe mental illness since he was 14. He's now 23& has lost his main friend group 3 times. He's terrified of trying to socialize or make new friends due to the severe trauma & horrific treatment from other kids as they knew they could shame him very easily. Life has been so very challenging for the past 9 years due to his illness & many difficult situations we've had to face as a family. He's also been falsely accused of rape online on his 18th birthday. I don't understand this world anymore but it's such a huge weight to bear seeing our son suffer so much after I had the same experience. I take it day by day. These videos help so thank you for all you do.
Yes I’ve done the taking myself out and lashing out responses. I wish I’d learned these things earlier in my life. I think I broke a relationship because when I lashed out it triggered him. I had no idea about abandonment issues until recently . Thank you Anna for explaining my thought and behaviour patterns. It brought tears to my eyes listening to you talk about saying goodbye to your father and having his letters.
I relate to all of these triggers, but I am on my healing journey now with your help and membership of your group and I can finally recognise these triggers for what they are and that is a big step towards helping to work on them and improve my reaction to them, so thank you.
I used to absolutely freak out when my ex would walk out during a heated discussion & I would yell & scream. Also if I got the silent treatment. This guy triggered me constantly. Very toxic. My dad stopped speaking to me after my parents divorced. He was pretty neglectful before that. This whole video is me to a T. Thank you!
To hear that about your dad made me cry, for you, but also for me, I got both my parents, but they are incapable of being loving. I’m sorry that you lost your dad so young, but glad that he showed you as much love as he could give. Thanks for the videos
You help explain and put a name to so many of my feelings that I haven't been able to find the words for when people ask me "What's wrong". I am so grateful, thank you so much.
Having had an extremely emotionally abusive BPD mother and a chronically depressed father, on top of constant ostracization at school by peers (probably for no other reason than my awkwardness), and later on being bullied and ostracized for my sexuality, I know what you're talking about. I still don't know how to do relationships, or be around people. One thing I never did though is hang out with people I don't like just to fill up my time. I'd rather be alone, hence my tendency to self-isolate. But I do keep getting limerent on unavailable/ hot and cold people and it's a cycle I wish I could stop. Your videos help a lot though.
I sat in church service crying. Every sundayjust tears drenching my face. My pastor pulled me aside privately and asked me if i was crying because of the tone of his voice. It was more his message was hitting me.
As a child and even an adult I thought I had the special power of invisibility. I was the second child, the second grandchild, so I didn't measure up with my sister. Thought that was normal for some people, watching this shows me it's not. Thank You ❤
Wow..this was so eye opening. I was always the absolute last person to be picked up from anywhere..always the last one waiting with the teacher etc. No wonder waiting for someone is so triggering for me!
One thing that confuses me is how so many people can see how their childhood and their life has affected them adversely, but don’t see the same thing for other people -in the video she talks about “terrible” people, but I wonder how wounded these people are, and what their own trauma wounds and triggers are. Sometimes life becomes easier if you see it’s not all about you,in fact it rarely is.
Thank you for this Anna. I have PTSD from over 2 years of combat in the Infantry. I just started learning about CPTSD and suddenly so many of these puzzle pieces fit! Thank you for your work and putting this out there for the world! It sure means a lot to us that feel like we are "lulling" around. Knowledge is power and you rock girl! Thank you Anna....
Just listening to you talk about the "silent treatment" began to bring on that intense, seasick-like headache that occurs when I experience a trigger. My partner in my most recent relationship would give me the silent treatment for literally days at a time. They would pass me in the house and not acknowledge my existence even in the slightest; it felt like I wasn't really there at times. Invisible. My mother did the same throughout my childhood. For me, words roll off and in time are forgotten or forgiven; silence tears me apart to my core being, in ways that are hard to mend. Only when the abuse began to get physical was I able to pick myself up and get out of that situation. It's been over a year now since I left, and I still don't feel whole.
Abandonment comes in many forms. A grade retention at the age of seven "abandoned' me from the path that the rest of my peers continued on, without issue. I internalized the negative feelings I had as 'mine by decree'...and pushed down the depression and anxiety as best I could...until it exploded. Nervous breakdowns can be the beginning of something better. I found the root causes of my dysfunctions, and vowed to reprogram my incorrect perceptions. Learning to 'Let Go' of past traumas and sorrows took time...and has become second nature. Yes, flashbacks do occur...yet can be dealt with in seconds: not pushed down...acknowledged and let go of.
Yes, I agree about nervous breakdowns being a new beginning. Mine was the start of something so incredible- finding out that I was just 'wrong' or 'bad' for starters :)
Listening to this on my way home from work, will follow up. But just by the title, I can tell this one will be right up my alley. Thank you Anna, and Team Fairy!
Sheesh! I can’t even begin to explain how much this hits the nail on the head within the first 5 minutes. Sums up how I wound up stuck married to a malignant narcissist for 16 years and I remember someone here on RUclips essentially saying that’s on me for choosing to stay that long. Some people are so dense they don’t get that there are so many factors that contribute to how and why people get stuck in abusive situations.
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Anyone else get triggered from crowds, excessive noise or an overstimulating environment.
Yes
You may be HSP too
May also be asd symptoms
Yes. Even if it’s a situation I’ve chosen to partake in. If it’s a weekend long thing, I’ll need a day of rest after to heal.
I was in Mexico with unending LOUD music at the resort. Couldn't get away from it so after a few hours I found myself just crying. Looked it up and found misophonia is a thing. Not sure if it's a trigger but I know I need quiet. Any kind if consistent man made noise will make me irritable.... to angry. Rap is probably the worst... or the bass of music
This one hits home. If I even get the slightest feeling that I'm not welcome, I bolt. I am a ghost. My childhood is EXACTLY why.
Also likely why I have such a wide variety of interests and so crafty 😂 I'm constantly searching for ways to "occupy myself" because that was what I was taught to do. Go somewhere, be quiet.
Same here. Alone has always been easiest.
I hear you. I quit friends, jobs, etc before I’m discarded.
🏃🏽♀️💨Pewwwww!!!!
Cut off game be so strong, deep inside I be hurting!
@@KittyKeypurrdude this is me…
As a child of an alcoholic mother who went away to a detox facility when I was 2 after injuring me so badly I was hospitaised, I never once raised my hand in class even though I often knew the answer. I'm 81 and still feel and act invisible while crying inside.
Thank you Anna for helping me understand.❤
I also became invisible...mostly to avoid conflict. I was neglected as a child and as an adult other women have often ostracized me so now I give up and just stay invisible. I do not ever go to group events and avoid work group outings as well as I am always the ignored one.
I understand how you feel. You can do it, just try speaking out and you will feel so much better.
Helen you did not deserve to be treated so badly. Though I sometimes feel the way you described. My feeling is that I am not made for this world, and I can't wait to return home to heaven. I have gone no contact with my family of origin, that helped A LOT. Still anxious to return home though. Thanks for sharing dear one, from one kind soul to another.
Hugs and kudos to you Helen for trying to understand and work through your feelings. I’m sorry that you suffered and your voice wasn’t heard for so long. It’s never too late. ❤️
@Maile Thank you. It's like peeling an onion. Every layer brings tears, and a bit more understanding. I feel I'm running out of time though.
“Anything that feels terrible for you that you have to pretend is not terrible, is putting you in danger of dissociating.” Wow. Wish I would have seen this sooner.
You saw it when you are ready to receive it. It's the perfect time now, not before🤙🏾
I came here for myself, but now I've read these comments, I just want to give you all a hug. So much pain. Children survive their parents. Some of us just do so heroically.
Egsackly💖🌲 we must be born again in Spirit of Truth🐟
My own mother survived her horrid childhood & I tend to doubt that any of us appreciated just how awful her childhood was. She went through a lot. I try to keep that in mind as I continue to work through my own healing process... Don't allow the people who hurt our parents to go on hurting us through our wounded parents, regardless of where you fit your parents into your life.
VERY well said. I can identify with how you said it. Hugs to you also. 🙂
Be Centered, Grounded ad Balance in The Holy Trinity
Having God in your mind centers you.
Having Jesus in your heart grounds you.
Having the Holy Spirit surrounding you balances you.
Having the Holy Trinity divinely directs you and protects you.
One day, out of the blue, I understood completely how much God loves and cherishes me as I am. So I invited him to fill my heart with His Love and Heavenly Peace to overflowing.
I felt his love surround me like a warm comforting blanket. I no longer worry about what anyone thinks of me. Whether they like me or not. Care about me or not. Knowing Jesus loves me by dying on the cross to save me from hell is more than enough for me!
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful (humbled and his disciples of peace). Colossians 3:15 NIV
My heart is filled with so much of his heavenly peace that it overflows with heavenly love. I feel so loved and cherished. NO ONE AND NOTHING CAN EVER HURT ME AGAIN! Now, I am at peace with everything and everyone in my life. I can even forgive and bless my enemies! If you haven't already, I encourage you to invite him! He is knocking at the door of your heart waiting for you to open it so he can embrace you with Heavenly Love! JESUS SAID keep your mind on him and he will keep you in perfect heavenly peace. NO ONE AND NOTHING WILL HARM YOU WHEN HE'S IN YOUR HEART.
One of my triggers is to hear others speak amazingly about their mother, see how much they care for her, how they say they absolutely love their mother, and how they can hug her and be so excited about spending time with her and have fun. It makes me extremely frustrated not to understand where these people come from. My mother is a narcissist and treated me really badly as a child.
Same! but with both my parents. It sets me off when I hear it in movies too.
@@TopSecretInformations same here.
One of my favorites - All mothers love their children.
If you try to explain this isn't true, they look at you as you are nuts.
Yes. As a child I remember watching in puzzlement the way other families interacted, it was so weird to me. I know if I ever called my mother with good news she would immediately get on the phone to others and start complaining about it. When I had a heat pump put in my house there was no end of complaining that I didn't buy her one and what kind of money I was wasting and how stupid and how weak I am for wanting to be warm (mother thinks she is 'tough' by not using heat). Horrid people.
When I tell someone what my parents were like and they tell you you only get 1 mum or dad x
When I was in college, a class I had met 5 days per week and then we had a lecture twice per week with several other class sections. I noticed everyone from my section sat together, but no one had asked me to sit with them so I sat in the back of the lecture hall alone. I didn't look at or talk to anyone and I dreaded going to class because I thought no one wanted me around. After a couple of months a classmate asked me why I sit by myself in lecture. I told him it was because I wasn't invited to sit with everyone, and he said that nobody was invited, they just all naturally sat together. So then I sat with the rest of the group, we had a good laugh, apparently they all thought I was stuck up and thought I was too good to sit with them. Oops 😅I try not to ostracize myself anymore.
And yet we thought we had to be invited or that it was rude to impose. Or just too vulnerable. Like going out with the workmates who just talk amongst themselves and sitting there silently. Probably one of the lonelier trips to the pub, yet among people.
I had this exact experience.
I had this EXACT experience recently. But also, in my experience, sometimes, when I was too "friendly," it was perceived as "invasive," like I was "forcing myself" on people, which then led to low-key defamatory sand-bagging and othering. It's definitely a balancing act. Also, consider that nobody thought to invite you over, but they admit they formed a negative opinion of you, but did not consider their own role in it. Things subsequently evened out, but don't think you are entirely to blame.
Love this.
Nobody walked in with you, talked to you, beckoned you, or saved a seat for you. I would have felt the same.
Being left out was, and still is in a way, a major trigger for me. I was severely ostracized as a child in school and around peers.
Me too Ten Ten. I started to believe that there was something fundamentally wrong with me.
@@healthconscience4931 ❤️
My mom gave me the silent treatment and always made a big show of how she liked my younger sister so much more than me. Even in my 30's when my sister had a baby and I visited her, my mom would come over and snub me and sit down with my sister and actually talk and laugh.
@@amber40494 I’ve heard of these things , Siblings can really turn into weapons. My mom who was generally a very loving person, was a little more loving to my Much older brother and him being older than me, I couldn’t do anything without asking his permission. She made my older brother into a parent figure who was definitely not in a stage to be a parent figured
@@TenTenJ yes, my mom parentified my younger brother-' he became abusive, alcoholic, talked bad about me .
I HATED being left out. My 2 sisters, friend groups, ladies group, anything, everywhere.
I made a change. I ALWAYS invited every child and siblings to any party we had for my two sons. NO ONE WAS LEFT BEHIND.
and they were included in the activity. Love and respect for all children. Not just the pretty or smart ones.
That's funny thanks for reminding me, I did the same or nearly the same: We lived in small flats so if ten children came to a party, I made 'going home' bags for ten but also extra bags for the siblings. I thought that way, they not only got the perk of goodies instead of being left out, they also wouldn't feel inclined to bully the party-goer sibling and steal ! .
@@dr.k.purcell3059 bless you for thinking of others.
It’s being left out by those whom I would think would not do that
Ugh I literally invite everyone to everything 😅 it's so hard to do it every time I go out
Same, here. I learned from a boyfriend to invite everyone. But then let them take responsibility making their own arrangements. The more, the merrier is true!
Triggers from the video:
Someone walks out of the room while you're talking to them
Silent treatment
Waiting for someone
Feeling jealous and getting gaslit about it (feeling terrible and not being able to acknowledge that)
Empty time
Closeness with loved ones
Watching other people enjoy social ease
Seeing other people happy
Being in groups
Feeling overlooked
Feeling judged
Crapfitting (hanging out with people you don't like to avoid being alone)
Feeling Condescended to
Lots of good information. Thanks!
Thanks so much for listing the triggers mentioned in the video! You Rock and so does The Crappy Childhood Fairy!
Thank you for doing that: So appreciated! :-)
Good info... helps me understand why a normal person is reasonable when you're one minute late, while another person flies off the handle.
Thank you, Crapfitting. Now we have a term for it.
Thank you for this outline. I really appreciate you for this info. 😊
Beautiful quote I read that captures the essence of this topic:
"I believe there's no such thing as overreacting; it's just that what someone is reacting to may no longer be what's in front of them." -Terry Real
I am a small little man with a Napoleon complex on the journey of healing. No one will probably read this but I want to say thank you.
Please don’t apologize for having something so real and relevant to say to bring to the conversation. You have just as much right to speak up as anyone else.
That’s a great quote. Thank you for contributing it.
You are kind, so much better than an asshole that’s 6 foot
Thanks for sharing the quote. Good philosophy to revisit in times of crisis. 🦚
Thank you for giving us such a lovely and succint quote!
My therapist explained that concept to me once though not in those words. He'd had an interaction with my mother (who is generally a lovely person, but is herself the child of an alcoholic), and based on his reaction to the email she had sent him (she genuinely had no idea of how threateningly it would be perceived; she thought she was just giving him some information that might be helpful in my therapy. It was, though not in the way she meant it to be!) he was amazed at how little I "overreacted". He'd always assumed that my reactions were valid, but to past interactions, and when he found himself reacting that way, he almost had trouble understanding how I could handle things as calmly as I did. He actually started the session by apologizing to me.
I suspect that having an emotionally abusive father whom we had to tread on eggshells around, taught me how to not react to things even when I want to.
Seeing other people happy is a huge one for me. I don’t even get excited over engagement announcements, weddings, baby announcements…I’m just indifferent or downtrodden, like how come they got it right but I can’t? It’s incredibly frustrating.
Me too. It’s like it’s Christmas and everyone else gets a present but me (only it’s love and a baby and their own home) and I’m expected to sit there and just be happy for them.
Me too
I fake it but I do feel envious.
This, and also if something happens to me that’s exciting, I don’t want to share it with people/feel weird or gross talking about it. It’s like my brain doesn’t want me to enjoy anything.
That's called being self centered
I will never forget the joy on my father's face when he saw how hurt I was when he excluded me. Being ostracized and excluded was an enormously traumatic part of my life.
that is emotional torture, I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. from someone who was supposed to love you!
I'm so sorry that happened to you
@@kittimcconnell2633 My dad pulled a prank one day when we were in the woods, he told me to get out of the car and fend for myself and if something comes for me to just climb a tree. I think I went out of the car and cried. He just said they had a sweet laugh out of my terror. I remember feeling abandoned, over and over but this one stuck to me the most. My whole family still laughs til this day, I laughed til the last time when the emotion of abandonment finally hit me. I was always left alone by him, whether or not he was frightening me, even when we made plans.
I don't know if this is torture to be precise. When I asked him what was even the point of frightening me so much, he said he wanted to toughen me up. Now, I don't expect anyone to be there for me and I always feel like I'll have to keep pushing on my own. Trusting someone means they're going to leave you in the dark.
When I read OP's comment, I feel empathy, non-judgment and general "Why did their father even do that? What kind of father is he?" but when I look back at my memory, I judge myself by asking why I'm so sensitive and overreacting to such a small thing.
@@uhwhat9732That was not your fault. There was a reason why you felt that way. But, as an adult, accepting the past and moving forward is what needs to be done. You deserve to be happy. There is wisdom in negative experiences. At least you know what not to do which is not to treat others like that.
Godspeed.
@@SisterShirleyjust because they said it was a prank doesn't mean they didn't abandon you. That's gaslighting. Maybe your biology was triggered to survival mode for an environment that could be dangerous at any moment. You implying to yourself that you're overreacting because you're too sensitive is gaslighting yourself in the absence of your abusers. Practice the effort to recognize when it's happening, and to take your own side regardless of self doubt to end it., Good luck ☘️
It's completely impossible for me to be in a group of 3 or more people without feeling intensely left out, disliked, ignored, not valuable etc. Realizing the reason for this helps to handle the feeling and not lash out. I used to get very upset, hurt, mad at my best friend when we were in groups and I felt ignored. I don't have many friends bc I feel like I can only be around one friend at a time
You probably don't have the fake group mask and persona many wear. I stepped back from folks who ignored me, took a good look and realized they weren't good friends. Kinda like others were more concerned about the group taking turns coming up for air from a pond.
In the long run, it may pay off. One group I was ostracized from 4 decades ago, most are dead
from drugs, booze, whatever. Again, sometimes, it pays off to go your own way.
It's so strange to hear someone else say the words I've said to myself, and share the feelings I've felt for a very long time now. I've said verbatim, "I feel like I can only be around one friend at a time," since I was about 20--I'm 40, now. I feel like you stepped out of my journal. So crazy.
I totally relate and feel the same.
I'm the same!
Me too.
Sending you a big hug from one survivor to another. 💕🫂
I think it’s important to acknowledge that it isn’t always obvious neglect/abuse but also those who lack emotional intelligence or bandwidth to nurture someone else. ❤
@@frankuvlkan "I don't normally write in the comment section" homie yes you do and it follows this exact script every time 👀
Thank you for saying this.
Absolutely 💯 and lots of it is perception as well. Everyone's experience should be valid.
Yes. Both of my parents were in the house, sober. But I was still neglected and emotionally abandoned.
Yes, it's generational patterns. The parent was socially inept and closed off from other people due to their own traumatic upbringing, and they pass it along, even though they try to parent well. But the child knows something is off. The mother never learned to claim her own space, so she unconsciously treats the child as an intruder into her space. ("Go to your room." or "Go out and do something. Stop hanging around."/(i.e., "Get out of my space.") "Take your things to your room. Your things do not belong in the living room/kitchen."/(i.e., "Having your things in my space disturbs my sense of control." ) It's not from lack of love or lack of effort or from any outward actions of neglect or abuse. But the mother was an avoidant people-pleaser, turned her anger in on herself because she wasn't able to express it, and for the child, avoidance and turning inward, seeking solitude in a safe space was pretty much pre-ordained.
So accurate. I was additionally bullied in grade school that reinforced all of these triggers as well. Reflecting, I wonder if my emotionally neglectful childhood set me up in a way to be bullied? Did anyone else additionally experience bullying as a child?
Oh yes. I was the youngest of a large family and my siblings bullied me mercilessly. I was the perfect target. I never got over it.
Yes, I was also the family scapegoat.
That’s an interesting thought…I know the neighborhood girls started bullying me during the same time period that I was getting bullied at home by a sibling.
My mother, when she met her second husband, dropped me like a cement brick. She emotionally, physically, mentally stopped parenting me. Right then, as if on cue, I began being bullied at school, I was about 10 or 11. I can’t socialize in groups to this day, and I’m 52.
Yes!
"it's like you're not even yourself." yeah, that nails it. it's such a shame how trauma keeps so many of us from knowing truer versions of ourselves.
Have you listened to the new song happy by NF? Its a deep one.
@@avertthymortaleyes3460 I prefer the old song "I Don't Care Anymore" by Phil Collins. Also a deep one...😉
Great observation, I can relate to your experience.
I agree and for me sometimes its as though we have been robbed of so much,that we just cant get back and thats sad
Im slowly coming into myself . I'm 55 and find myself giggling by myself sometimes . The laughter and joy that appears to have been
"slapped " out of me as a small child , is now bubbling to the surface as I finally heal.. baby steps . I always felt fragmented . I was happy with friends but grouchy and angry at home when I married because that's how I was treated in my home
I only learnt and understood my broken soul through watching videos like this .God helps me to find release as counselling is very expensive in my county.
Seeing other people with social ease who seem happy makes me feel separate and left out. I've never thought of it as a trigger, so I'm glad you included these.
I am the older sister and was mostly socially confident, our 3rd sister was not wanted at that time, our mom had had 3 babies already, first one adopted out, and she was overwhelmed and traumtised from her life. My sister began to blame me for her feelings....creating hostility in the sister relationship. We are working it out, gradually, in our 50's and 60's. This is spot on! Thank you, Good Fairy!
Hmm yes i was just out and met my landlady and i was chatting about the fridge shes very nuce then my fancy neighbour come over and i was asking if she eneded any fliurescent lights cos im ordering some and then they were both lookinng at me like i farted or something so i said gooby and they were smiling and grinning at me but not continueing the conversation. And i was like oh. Ok. Probaboy theyre just no in the mood to chat. But then im walking back later snd theyre still there talking. It happens all the time. I say oh ok probably dont be paranoid and its probably the other person just not in the mood and then theyre all chatting. Or ill be having a coffee and chatting to somone and saying oh i really need a night out and then they will meet other people i know and they will be all oh were going out later lalalla and nobody invites me to come. It just seems unfriendly. I try to be friendly to everyone and not judge and try not to think badly of myself but when that happens its like oh. Ok im the smelly kid whos got the torn packback qnd isnt invited to the party. I remember having my brithday party as a kid. Invited the whole class and one girl came. Was glad she did and she was very upbeat and positive about it and didnt even say anything mean sbout the food which was cous cous! I dont even know if i had cake or not. She was kind.
My gf is super sensitive to people getting treated better than she does. She was singled out as a kid and treated like she was a huge problem. She gets really defensive when she feels slighted by anybody.
I can write the book on this.
@Alixir1228dump and flush that away. You deserve better.
I'm crying and I don't know why. I clicked on this video by accident and now I am crying. There was a stressful time in my family (illness) when I was 6 years old. I found that I was constantly complimented for being ' the perfect child', self-sufficient, independent, honour student, no tears, no drama, causing no issues. Keeping my thoughts and emotions apart from my family brought me praise .. always. Keeping myself apart was also how I hid that I was not 'Perfect'. How I kept up the allusion. I learned to keep myself apart from everything and everybody. Being alone makes me feel safe. It is the place where I can be me. Being in a crowd or a group makes me feel alone and stressed. Keeping up the perfect façade is exhausting and, at 65, I am alone. Subscribing to your channel to understand more about me.
Hey I'm crying too. You're not alone on that. I'm
54 and I'm alone in life. I just discovered this woman and I relate so deeply. Hang in.
Thanks for subbing, we are so glad you found us!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'll be 70 next month & I'm alone too!
Can you imagine a six year old rewarded/complimented for being self sufficient, no tears or drama! Oh! I have so much compassion for that part of you. I wish for you that you can be fully yourself, tears, anger, needfulness, all of it, and that you see the value of being you through your growing connection to yourself and others.
Me too. Which caused me to "have to be perfect " all the time. Did not go well with siblings or myself since I suffered
always trying to prove that I was perfect. I didn't know how to deal with it, so much pressure.
The pendulum has swung, unfortunately now I always tell my siblings of how NOT perfect I am.
This is very emotionally painful. Now it feels like I think of ways to minimize myself to be relatable to my family.
At my last job I had people calling me from other departments saying things like “I’ve been told you’re a person who gets things done.” But that stopped being a compliment to me anymore as I started to feel like someone so desperate for scraps that I couldn’t say no, and never got the promotions that I thought this behavior would get me. Eventually I just plotted my escape and left one day. It seemed unbearable to be there another second feeling like a fool and a schmuck. I never understood where all of this stemmed from, and the role I played in it all, until watching these videos.
Oh god, yes, watching other people just somehow magically knowing the unwritten rules while I didn’t get that set of instructions. That’s a huge one.
I'm so glad the channel has been helpful! It sounds like you're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Oh yes. I get it. I've had bosses who were more than happy to \use me\ as their working horse bitch. I was dumb enough to think they liked me & I'd get a raise.
Omg that’s me… that literally is me. I eventually asked for a better job title (nothing else, just the words) because I was sick of actually doing the work but being regarded as “admin”. Enough was finally enough.
The unwritten rules…OMG exactly. You just described my feelings perfectly in that last paragraph.
Omg... That was exactly me in my last job. I had undiagnosed learning difficulties as a child and was treated as inferior and dumb in my childhood for it. At my very first job I was so anxious, I didn't know any of these 'unwritten rules' in working environments and I would do practically everything my coworkers told me to do because my self-worth in terms of my own abilities was so low. I was paid less than my other coworkers, and they treated me like a working donkey. It didn't help the supervisor was a grade A narcissist who sniffed this weakness in me moment I walked in. When I heard the manager and supervisor had been talking about me being mentally 'slow' behind my back, I just dropped everything and left. Definitely opened scars that weren't fully healed for me.
Reading your comment makes me feel less alone, being in a position desperate for scraps of approval is one of the worst feelings.
Feeling judged. Always feel this.
I finished listening, and I'm glad this was all explained so well. Yesterday being a holiday, I was home alone and was triggered into deep depression by the lack of family support. My immediate family is part of a cult and when I came out, I was disowned. I've been shunned by them for the last 16 years. My extended family knows about the abusive situation I was in and they avoid me. They talk with my parents more than me.
And so yesterday, I was sitting at home dysregulated because not a single one of them texted me. They never do unless something is wrong or needed. I used to voice feeling left out, not being invited to Thanksgiving or holidays. They still don't. I came to the realization that I am indeed the black sheep and they don't care about me. They don't want me dead, but they also don't care to check if I'm still alive. From now on, I will no longer be pursuing their approval and affection. They have shown me where they stand time and time again. This video helped me understand a lot of why I felt so craptastical yesterday. Thank you for your clarity ✨️
Create a beautiful life for yourself…it’s never too late. While I’m not into revenge, I guess one could say this is the best revenge.
@@janethagen3385 thank you🙌✨️ I agree!
This was my day exactly yesterday. I wish I were at the point where it doesn't suck, but I'm not. And I don't know if I'll ever be.
@@janethagen3385 I pray this can be done.
Many of us spend holidays that way after walking away from these abusive families. God is slowly bringing caring healthy people into my life as I pray for moving forward. It will get better. I’m 62 and husband of 30 years walked away and moved 1000 miles away. He was a narc anyway so I didn’t care anymore. However doing it right after my oldest son died and left me with our youngest son was almost unbearable. Everything happened so fast. Family was always scapegoating so has to leave them behind also. God will heal.
The silent treatment is a huge one for me. My mother would do that with me a lot when I was a kid, even when I so much as expressed disagreement with her on something. My closest friend in high school used to do it to me too. It really is a form of emotional abuse.
I got that too, that and the other extreme, being bellowed at. Parents and then ex would do that and I had what I thought was a friend in college do that as well. “You’re so worthless and what you said/did was so horrendous that you’re not even worth acknowledging”. They may as well have just handed me a bottle of pills and told me to swallow them all.
i have had family members who are emotionally dysregulated scream, name call, rage at me, and then when i remove myself they accuse me of being punitive, withdrawn, and giving them the "silent treatment". all i am doing is holding my boundaries, but they see it as me being emotionally abusive and giving the silent treatment. i think it is important to note that just because someone isn't speaking to you, doesn't automatically mean they are abusive; it may be their only sane recourse to your abuse of them.
My first experience with someone giving me the silent treatment, was after I got a tattoo of my husbands name inside a heart on my ankle.He lost it! Why would you do that? I ignorantly thought he would know my reason. After months passed I had a cover up done, he didn't say a word, after for 7 days I counted , he didn't speak to me.I finally realized what he was doing.I asked him, have you not been talking to me for 7 days because I covered "your name" he said yes.I told him, you're ridiculous, you didn't like it! Then I didn't speak to him for 7 days. We never discussed that again!
I got that a lot from my Mom only she didn't seem to have a reason. Just general. I knew one thing: she didn't like me and I could not do anything well. She loves to dress me up and show me off but I was not able to be present. Her silent treatments were normal, usual, and often sullen. Yuk. I am leaving all this junk behind me.
@@GeneralTrusty^^^ t h i s. Thank you for explaining this.
My Dad passed away April 22nd, and I was amazed at how much childhood crap came back to bite me! At 60 years old, you'd think I'd be over it by now...guess not!
Then this morning, this video pops up. Two days after the internment ceremony where I completely lost my composure and sobbed uncontrollably, and it seemed like I couldn't get anywhere near my mom because there were always people around her. I have four much-younger siblings and my mom has lots of friends and I felt like everyone was coming between me and her. I was so triggered and upset, I skipped the family luncheon after the ceremony and raged and sobbed all the way home (over an hour drive).
Because of the age difference and the fact I have a different birth father who died when I was 4, I have always felt like the odd man out in my family.
I really needed to hear this today.♥️
Strongs
I am so sorry that you lost your dad. You've got two big things there: being the oldest is a lot of pressure and then also you feel left out of your family. ::hugs:: Glad you found this video!
😢 so sorry
No shit. Mine died recently. I'm 63. I had NO IDEA the WAVE of mixed emotions that came over me. I was suddenly right back there. I was so TORN by emotions I'd thought I had dealt with/supressed.
You were/are the red-headed stepchild. I share that terrible fact having been the "left over" child from my mother's previous marriage. My two step brothers, step father and mother are a family but I am the extra baggage. There are millions of us but that doesn't lessen the pain.
I wasn't just ostracized as a child. I've been ostracized as an adult. I've learned the less ppl in my life the more money I save by not buying a lot of birthday or Christmas present. I get to spend time taking care of me ,& my love ones. I have money to spend on important things & helping ppl who really need help instead of users who only take & never appreciate.
Yes-being ostracized can be a blessing in disguise! 🙌
Yes! I get such pleasure when the sales clerk asks if they should wrap my purchase as a gift and I can say that it’s for me! Also, maybe it’s just me but I put a lot of time and effort into picking out just the right present and then I see the receiver being completely indifferent and talking about how they got a lot of ‘stuff’ at their birthday and they’re taking 80% to donate. No, my money and affections are better directed towards myself.
I wasn't validated as a child, which made me feel like an invisible ghost. As an adult I went to a self help group and we were filmed. I was convinced I wouldnt even show on the tape! I seldom raised my hand in class, if I did and got to answer, I was often wrong. Having ADHD did nothing but made me feel even more astranged from others. I really appreciate your information Anna, and your warmth!
I remember in elementary school other girls literally nicknamed me Ghost Girl because I was always quiet and floating around on the periphery and not making eye contact.
@@possumfriend2335 Know the feeling. Are you in a better place now?
I always described that I seem to be invisible! It is hard 66 years old still invisible.
@@kimp7977I feel you, 68 and still friendless
I have a co-worker who is my assistant, so we are together all day, every day. She had an extremely traumatic, neglected childhood. She used to storm out of the room if I dared to question or disagree with her over ANYTHING. ( I am the teacher in a classroom.) She is SUPER controlling and would constantly be telling me what I should do. In the past 6 years, I have learned to always stay calm, ( I'm naturally calm anyway) never raise my voice, never question her or criticize her in any way. ( Even when she freely told me all the things I should do differently) She no longer storms out of the room - even though I have seen the look on her face like she wanted to. I've tried very hard to show her that she is safe with me...........luckily, I am very competent in my job, and she sees that, so her contstant bossing me around has lessened every year.
It's very hard to have your own CPTSD and have to also encounter and cope with other people's CPTSD, especially if they're unaware and defensive about their behaviour. It gets confusing too where you can feel unsure about how much of the issue is about their stuff or your stuff.
I got ostracized by classmates as a kid and still decades later (just this week even) struggle in groups. I feel self conscious and anxious and probably give off that vibe you mentioned so I get stuck in the cycle of feeling left out but not being able to reach out then feeling angry or sad because no one reached out to me then feeling down on myself for not being able to get past this.
I hear you, we understand as few others can. If you're interested, Anna has a course called 'Connection Bootcamp' that teaches skills for creating more connected relationships. Here is the link if you're interested: bit.ly/CCF_Connection Sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
this is me. I am struggling to fit in at work. it doesn't help that there are only 4 of us and the girls are much younger than me. I'm 36 and they are all 21. they were all friends and each got the other one the job. except for me who applied on Indeed.
This is me to a "T"!
I so relate to this. I can’t deal with hardly any group situation because the tiniest hint that I’m not being spoken to as much as anyone else send me into an emotional spiral. I automatically think “There, see, this PROOVS I’m worthless and no one would even notice if I didn’t exist”. Then I get angry at the person who is not completely acknowledging me and freeze THEM out. I don’t belong anywhere.
Yes, it’s reassuring to know that we are one of many who feel like we do. But, why do we have to feel like this at all? Why can’t we participate in life (which is hard enough) without this crippling sensation? @@Julia-tf4gi
You are not alone. I also experience this intense emotiones everytime i get ignored/left out
yes, when less of my needs are met in life and/or I'm going through a lonely time. i need those friends or friendly faces to extra include me. hopefully we can ask for that
this is my reality, well articulated...really, really honest
Thank you for normalizing feeling triggered, for how you express yourself and owning your trauma...your work has helped so much❤
We are glad it is helping you express yourself. Jack@TeamFairy
Great, Storm. I feel the same.
Groups and finding my place in a social setting are the most triggering for me. I grew up emotionally neglected and moved a lot. I had to make and break friendships continuously , sometimes with ease , but mostly with a lot of effort. Having to go to a new social setting and establish friendships when everyone already has there friend groups has been the story of my life and it is a huge trigger. Lastfew times it happened to me I couldn't deal with it and I ended upon the outside, feeling very ostracized, even though I did it to myself. I'm going through this in uni again and it's so taxing emotionally. Some days I just wanna give up. I ve been trying the techniques but the hardest things about it is being consistent , I'll do it one morning and then forget the afternoon or the next day. Healing is soo hard , Its really something that you need to want for yourself.
I also grew up moving a lot, constantly coming into established groups and then having to leave them. I did have friends in uni cause I felt for the first time we are all starting from scratch… there weren’t established groups already. A lot of my friends were through my relationship tho, and when that didn’t work out, the friends left too. 15 years after uni, again moved to another country and now I just have no patience in conforming to a group, grovelling and being super social and amazing to fit in to some snotty group that would neglect my needs anyway. I consider myself a lone wolf now. I can still be social when I want to be but I conserve my energy and don’t try to make friends. I focus on healing and loving myself and loving my stability.
All the best in uni, sometimes the best things happen when you’re focusing on yourself and not trying to make friends :)
I hear you, i have similar experiences. I am older now and my conclusion about 10 years ago was not to give up. Life is a gift and we all came here to do something unique of who we are, no two humans alike. If we don’t do it-it wont get done
I could never function in groups.Shy away from it.
Hang in there
I moved a lot too. I went to seven different schools from kindergarten to grade 6. It has an impact...
It's why social, parental, and workplace alienation is so effective.
Going through parent alienation now. Haven't seen my 16 and 18 year old daughters in almost three years. They were, literally, the only people I loved. And I was a darned good mom. But the abusive ex always said he would bury me for leaving him. Just didn't know he'd use the girls to do. Can't believe they let him
@dorothy loves dolphins y'Mum feels more sorry for your position.
Sorry your dad was unworthy of parenting
@@Thoughtworld1984 my fmr spouse isn't causing the alienating. His mum via his bride to be is causing it.
She has issues my MIL
@@Thoughtworld1984 They likely didn't let him they were still children they are prone to being manipulated by people like that please don't take it personally! You can still reconnect fight for your connection to your daughters!
I wasn’t abandoned or ostracized by my family, but my family were ostracized by the community in which we lived, and the schools we had to attend. Everyone else ostracized me and still do. The few close friends I had all abandoned me. My one serious love relationship betrayed me by his lies. Now, my family is gone, all passed away. I’ve kept to myself outside of family for many years. Now, I keep to myself entirely.
I’m sorry, Marie Katherine. Especially the love who was not worthy of you.
@@terredee Nope, he wasn’t. Please pardon my pity party!
❤
Both mother figures of mine growing up (bio mom and stepmom) were emotionally abusive and neglectful. Your mentioning of being gaslit reminded me of my stepmom who would always shame me for “being too sensitive” and act like I was being dramatic when I was upset by something rude or untoward she said to me. She’d tell me a lot to “stop sulking” so then I had to try to fix my face to pretend to look happier so she felt better.
So now I’m hyper paranoid of seeming too self-pitying or attention seeking and try to downplay the impact others’ behaviors have on me. Thanks to them I have a lifetime of feelings of inadequacy to unlearn.
I hear you. You're in the right place and we're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
OMG! We are two peas in a pod. My mother was emotionally negligent and gaslit me 24/7.
My mum used to call me faceache if I was sad or scared. She had no insight that I had feelings. Then when my daughter started to be depressed when she was 12 or so, and was not happy when I expected her to be, I was confused and did not know how to handle it. I still feel guilty that my issues have damaged my precious girl.
Yes my mum would say "oh stop being so neurotic". it cut like a knife. Every day after school I was being chased by a boy that wanted to beat me up. At school they dragged me around and called me Rake. My mum said "Pull yourself together, stop sulking" Then she left. No explanation given.
My bio mom and dad divorced when I was around 3 and my dad started dating this woman he had babysitting us all the time and when I would miss my mom and I would cry about it she would actually mock me and say waaaa I miss my mom waaa I’m a baby it got so bad that it was just easier to forget my mom and I did until I was five and she just showed up on the doorstep and I had no clue she was at all. I’ve never been able to connect with people and often they think I’m just stuck upor that I think I’m better than them but I don’t. I just don’t know how to connect to people because he just ostracize me anyway.
This video just made me realize one of my biggest triggers I never thought of. When In a confrontation someone tells me I am overthinking, or overreacting. Even when said in a kind manner it absolutely sends me off the edge. This was really helpful.
I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
Another favorite, "you shouldn't feel that way". Really???
@@helenhighwater5313 They're all examples of someone invalidating your feelings. I think it's healthy to not like it when someone does that to you, it means you recognise that you deserve to have your feelings validated.
Me too. I hate getting told that I'm overthinking when I'm just being myself
I get the "overthinking" comment a lot...all my life. Nowadays, however, I really really think there are *way* too many people who are... UNDERTHINKING things. I also hate being told I'm overreacting, especially by someone whose approach to life is "ignore it and maybe it will go away" while they wait for someone else to handle everything for them.
It’s the not being considered that really gets me. The realization that when others got together that they never even thought to include me. It boggles my mind. I dont treat others this way….
Wow…just reading the title drew me in. I have been thinking about this quite a bit lately and how much of a trigger feeling excluded is for me. I was the 2nd born to two professors, my dad a narcissist and drinker (took a job teaching in Hawaii and left us behind in Ca when I was 8) and my mom conflict avoidant and working all the time. My older sister (3yrs) was the most constant family member in my life and I looked up to her but she hated me from the moment I was born. I think it was her reaction from being the only child with a narcissist parent and she did her best to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough or smart enough to be a part of our family. She was ruthless and excluded me every chance she got. My mom was my only safe person but she was always working and whenever she did happen to be around when my sister would torment me, I’d run to my mom and tell her and my mom would just say,
“Oh no she didn’t, or no she wasn’t trying to leave you out.” She’d deny my painful experience of being excluded and rejected.
So I grew up with this exclusion wound, invalidation wound, and incredibly disconnected from myself…I learned that what I felt wasn’t valid and couldn’t be trusted. It’s my biggest trigger by far, being invalidated.
It’s so interesting to me the types of people my sister and I became as adults. My sister is all about herself. It’s her way or the high way and she doesn’t care what others think of her in the slightest bit. She will be the first to admit that she’s on the spectrum, even though but was never diagnosed with autism.
I grew up the complete opposite, hypersensitive to the emotional state of the people around me and completely boundary-less. I feel other peoples emotions so strongly and learned that love =approval.
Several years ago my fiancé died suddenly (talk about abandonment trigger) and that was my emotional bottom. I wanted to die. I had something called complicated grief. I felt so misunderstood and judged by my family and that was the turning point for me. Because for the first time in my life it was more painful to be around other people than it was to be alone with myself. And it was so painful but I learned to find safety by going within. It was like his presence in my life planted a seed or a doorway, that I was enough and that I was lovable just for being me, and his departure from my life was probably the only thing painful enough for me to finally walk through that door, explore, and build a relationship with myself.
I’ve come so far, I still struggle but I understand myself and my patterns and I have learned tools so that I don’t react. The hardest part for me has been to stop seeking approval and people pleasing. That fear of rejection is strong and I often catch myself gaslighting myself but I know I’m on a trajectory towards healing and that gives me hope to keep going.
Thanks for making this video, it really helped me connect some of the dots and I’m so sorry you lost your dad. When people die it’s so hard not to go back and wish we could have done something differently, but I have found that the love between two people can never be broken, not even by death. I hope those letters help you maintain your connection with him as I’m sure he is so very proud of the person you have become and how you have managed to turn your pain into a passion to help others heal. Lots of 💕
Hugs thanks for sharing. Can relate to a lot of what you said
Thank you for sharing your very painful story and how you are healing. I am sending you lots of hugs.
Saying a prayer for your continued healing. You are a warrior! Best of luck.
@Marisa Jane
I’m impressed with your thoughtful comment and the grace you show to the lady who lost her Dad.
You are a gem.
hypersensitive to the emotional state of the people around me and completely boundary-less. I feel other peoples emotions so strongly. This one really struck a chord for me. I have empathy for everyone but myself.
Through your talk just now, I just realized I have deeper trauma than I thought I did from my boundaries being violated when I was young. No wonder I keep distance. No wonder I get anxious when others have crossed my invisible bubble. Giving me goosebumps to compose this now.
I agree with your statement. I am so grateful for this video to help me give my triggers a name. I had not realized it’s so much worse than I thought. What a trickle down effect happens in our lives.
I was hospitalized for a long time last year and am forced to move back in with my parents as a 34 year old. It is a minefield of old childhood trauma. It is unbearable. I'm learning things about my parents that I never realized as a child.
I lived with mine for a few months at 47.. I hear you. Hug.
This is so healing. It’s hard for children to understand why their own family appears to hate them. It never occurs to many that the parent may be triggered by the child’s extroversion or happiness. How would a child possibly know that? But this video can show these children it really isn’t their fault; it really is the parents’ wounding (even if the parent blamed their contempt of the child’s personality).
And that’s why not everyone is fit to be a parent.
This resonates so much with me. I hate feeling like I'm being left out, or ignored. So when I go into a social setting, I just disengage and try to act like I don't care to be a part of anything. My Dad was an alcoholic and frequently out at bars, and when he was around he was usually drunk. Plus in highschool all of my friends abandoned me. It's awful how these things still affect you so much later in life.
I felt like she was talking to me directly. I’ve never been able to express these INTENSE feelings. I just always thought I was weirdly possessed by sadness and resentment, but it is nice to meet myself again.
The amazement hearing from friends of my mother, at her funeral, how proud she was of me. Hmm, I never knew.
When everything you do is scrutinized and diminished and criticized, how could you know? I get it. I'm a horrible, stupid person according to my mother. I don't ever remember her building me up, just tearing me down. I had my grandma though. Thank God
My Grandpa thought I hung the moon,so, there was that💜
WOW, this is SO spot on! Wasn't neglected by my family but was picked on/bullied as a kid and, yes, loyalty is a big one for me as an adult. Thanks so much for this!
Anna that story about your dad broke my heart for the 15year old you, and yourself now. That is heartbreaking and I’m thankful you channeled that pain into helping others.
😢
I can relate having lost my dad when I was 11 to a car accident. I know I was his little “princess” as he would play with us/me, dance me around, and listen to me pour my little heart out. Mom was overwhelmed with five children and did the best she could but was raised without the communication and the playfulness. His loss jacked me up in so many ways all my life; you were talking to me in this video.
I’m now divorced twice and live on my mom’s five acres in my 5th wheel-a reverse “mil” situation. I care for the property doing lawn care and have become quite adept at driving her tractor, lol. She’s 91 so I care for her, too. She’s only now giving up driving relying on me for taking her shopping and to appointments. I’ve had to call for an ambulance more than once; she’s in congestive heart failure and A-fib. But she’s quite ambulatory and cooks for herself, dares for her bodily needs, and gardens. Eventually I will move into her daylight basement when she is unable to do these things.
I’ve come to know her more as a friend, a woman, and that we like our little bit of privacy that exists from me being in separate living quarters. Losing my dad was horrible! I still miss him everyday, but look back on my life as a series of lessons. My first husband is gone and the second has become a friend, still narcissistic but I don’t have to live with him now so we can get along. He helps here at the farm when needed. I miss having someone in my life but am realizing the perks of being “alone” (make my own decisions, come and go as I please though I let mom know if I’m leaving and when I’m back, to buy or not to buy is up to me, etc.). I still have work to do but thank you for helping me be ok with where I came from and how it affected me and my sibs.
Has anyone else not only been abandoned in childhood by their parents but also in adulthood? When I was 30, my Mom died suddenly, it says undecided on her death certificate for cause. Not too long after that, my father (who I used to wait at the window for as a kid) moved to Thailand permanently without telling me. Being the only child, I feel like I get triggered more often.
Yes
Yeah. My dad abandoned us when I was 5, moved to the other side of the city, then moved to the other side of the world chasing a woman. We were left with our abusive BPD mother. Then when I was 21 he broke up with the woman and moved back to Oz “to be near his kids” and instead of living close to us, he chose to be 1 1/2 hours away by car and most of us didn’t drive yet. Then he has spent the last 20 years looking for new wives in Vietnam. He snuck in a surprise wedding to his new wife 4 years ago to a woman 3 years older than me with two children and WABAM! Dad has a new family, we all just got replaced. So yeah my siblings don’t celebrate Mother’s Day or fathers day with our parents.
Almost every nightmare I've ever had has to do with being left out, excluded, or left behind. This stuff hurts the most of all.
Wow, I'm 60+ and still hate waiting(If I dropped them off and am waiting in the car) for someone...I'm SURE they won't come back. Your insight and ability to put "this" in words has been a miracle for me
Grew up with constant screaming or uncomfortable silence. Not physically abandoned but definitely emotionally abandoned. Thank you so much for your informative and nurturing videos. They have prompted me to reflect and journal. Just so much more comfortable being alone most of the times. Jealousy used to be a huge issue for me during my younger years. Jealousy no longer serves me and is unhealthy, I’ve learned to walk away. Sadly, my mother was always jealous and competitive with me. NC
I’m sorry for the loss of your father.
Sometimes, it's so difficult being a parent with C-PTSD. I am working through my trauma and triggers, which lead to me being late, checking out, etc...with my own children. 🥺I can't look at myself sometimes, because of the guilt I feel...that giving myself grace and the process of working on healing my emotional wounds, is probably inflicting those same wounds on my own children. 😢
I have the same thoughts and I can already see that some of my karma was transferred to my child. It is just impossible to heal everything like a miracle, because there are so many interrelated issues and problems a bad childhood causes. Anxiety, self esteem, social problems, PTSD, etc. That is why even watching these videos sometimes makes me depressed, because there would be so much to do, and healing is so painfully slow and never ending. And children grow up in a few years, not to mention, raising them gives you little time to focus on anything else. BUT. With all the above in mind, I also see them becoming much better people then I am. I am beginning to believe that we have to give up the notion that we can completely heal ourselves and not pass on anything to them. These are generational wounds/ ancestral karmic imprints that were repeated over several families and it is not possible for one person to overcome them in one swoop. We can do out best. We can be open with our kids about some of our struggles and encourage them to be open with us about what they face or may face in the future. We can be mindful of not swinging to the other extremes, out of need to protect them. And we can pray for them and for us to be shown the best ways, while continuing to do this work.
Same
Thank you! I have or used to have...every single trigger you listed. I want to heal my 'core wounds,' but I also don't want to lose the good things, and intense ability to empathize, that living through so much trauma has taught me. If you could do a video about not losing yourself after healing!
Just the fact you wrote that tells me you are a good parent,at least you care and you’re doing your best…..that’s all anyone can do 😊
Don’t be hard on yourself. Your parents didn’t give you a good example of how to parent. You are doing your best and you care about your kids. I feel the same way all the time but I try to give myself grace because I really am doing my best.
When you said I still miss him,burst into tears ,I really miss my dad too.he’s been gone 23 years now and my mother is 82 lives on the other side of the country (and Australia is huge), she has alzheimers and will forget me forever soon😢
It's insane how accurate your videos are.
This lady is spot on!!! This is one of the best videos I've heard explaining what it feels like to have CPTSD. You feel like you're losing your mind.
A compliment and a question. You seem to be so comfortable talking in front of a camera to a large audience. You have excellent public speaking skills. You presentations flow. You never lose your place when you go over "bullet points". Are you reading from a script or maybe prompts that help you stay on track? I just love watching you speak with such elogance. You express yourself in a very clear, refined, and polished manner. I wonder if I can practice becoming that way? There I go again, comparing myself to others!
The trick is having a 155 IQ
This has always been a major trigger for me and I always ask myself how I am creating the situation. How am I making myself feel I don’t belong? Sometimes you’re right- I realize I didn’t really want to belong in the first place. I hope someday I’ll find my people even though I do believe we are all each other’s people!! It’s a hard one and I’m not giving up.
Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I know what you mean. We are like swans trying to fit in with chickens.
Lately I've been fitting in better, and it's a funny feeling. Instead of being worried about fitting in, I simply go out into the world with the mission to spread Love Joy and Happiness. It's hard to describe but by giving out Love vibes we attract more people to us, rather than putting out fear vibes. I know it sounds weird, but it works. I'm older and was at an event and a much younger co-worker was there- she grabbed me by the hand and took me around introducing me to her friends, and people I had come across just out and about were coming up to say hi. At almost 60 I had never had that before and it's odd :)
@@reesedaniel5835 Brilliant, I love this statement. It feels so relevant and true. I need to find more swans :)
Another trigger I don't think you mentioned: gossip.
Talking behind people's backs is so triggering for me because my "non-confrontational" (ie: fake) parents do it all the time, and they do it smugly, and when I hear other people doing it my mind starts wondering "are they talking about me behind my back as well?". And that sends me into an anxiety spiral that ends up with me absolutely depleted and depressed and wanting to see myself out from the group and society at large. It's exhausting.
Re: the condescension trigger:
It's tricky to navigate, when you don't know what the other person knows you always run the risk of either underestimating them and sounding condescending, or overestimating them and leaving out important information. Or you can also do what I do which is to bug them with questions to try to get as clear a picture as I can, which avoids both of the previous scenarios but is also incredibly annoying for everyone involved 😅
Could also be a smear campaign from narcissistic people.
I started a job recently and left after 3 days. My immediate supervisor gossiped non stop, negatively. When the big boss asked why I was leaving I said "when someone gossips TO you they will gossip ABOUT you". Life is too short for all that garbage.
Omg gossip about me is such a major trigger! Luckily I didnt have this often in life but the couple of times I heard gossip about myself I had such a meltdown...
Hello bright little flame...
After a family gathering at my in laws, the father *always* gossiped and found fault, with the son/daughter in-laws, when they left... I'm not sure why, but I asked him, " *What do you say about me, when I'm not around* "
His face turning red, he shrugged his shoulders and smiled... speechless.
I was actually pleasantly surprised with "myself" and was sincerely open & ready, to hear what he had to say.
If someone important in my life has changed their attitude towards me, I'd like to know why.
Without getting into my past, I can honestly say, mean, nasty people exist. Whether they're family or strangers.
Though it saddens me greatly, to have my family blacklist me, I've come to realize, it's a reflection of them, not me.
Now grown, they don't seem to have a use for me anymore, as I was the "scapegoat", "whipping boy", "easy mark"...
I apologize for rattling on, but I'm almost done... I got two short stories for you, or anyone if they're interested...
I recently went to dinner with a long-time friend. In passing, she mentioned an old boy friend, who broke her heart and how it devastated her. Then she asked me if I ever had my heart broken. After some thought, I said yes. My family broke my heart... She's known me for over 30 yrs, and understood.
(My answer was sincere and very telling, for me)
After seeing a 'Trauma Therapist' for 6 months, she said something to me, that puzzles me, to this day...
She said, "I'm in awe of you". Confused, I asked her why. She said, "With everything you've survived and lived through, *_you chose compassion_* "
I was voiceless and dumbfounded. Someone actually used a wonderful word to describe me... Boy oh boy, food tastes so good, when you're hungry. But seriously, after giving her observation great thought, and myself a deep study, I could see her point. Which may explain why It's difficult to understand how/why some people can be so very unkind...
Personally, dealing with cruelty and self worth, is one of my challenges...
PS Usually, I find most people pretty friendly and receptive. As a people, we enjoy "good company", even on a short term basis... _HAVE FUN & KEEP SMILING_ ... I dare ya. 😜
This reminds me of a friend I had for years.
We were both bullied and bonded over that fact, and would usually joke to each other and talk smack about people who were consistently rude to us. Then one day she had a shift, and said she couldn’t participate in talking negatively about anyone any longer. I said sure, that’s probably a good idea, I’ll chill out too. But she didn’t stop there, she soon would freak out at me any time I hung out with anyone else, out of fear we’d be talking about her (she almost never came up in conversation). She also did the barrage of questions trying to find out details and info. It was annoying, but being an anxious person as well, I understood. Yes, people can tell what you’re doing, and it is annoying, but I also think it’s a symptom of something bigger that needs to be treated/looked at. She didn’t believe she had any issues, so she never sought help. She had a much worse childhood than I did, and I wouldn’t be here if CPTSD didn’t rule my life for the past 30 years.
We aren’t friends anymore because her refusal to acknowledge there was a problem impeded her mental health so much it changed her as a person.
I really, really wish you all the best, and I’m glad you’re here.
Wow- I’m a rational, thoughtful person who can keep it together 99% of the time. However when you got to “waiting” and explained how and why that can be a trigger, I found myself mysteriously bursting into instant tears. So, so powerful. I feel profoundly understood.
And then I got to the part about you and your Dad, and his letters. And this time I cried for 15 year old Anna. Thank you for all that you do, and what you share with us. Finding your channel has changed my life. I am so grateful. ❤
A 'friend' once said to me, 'you're there but you're not there'. Just about the worst thing anyone has said to me.
Still feel like this. Happened the other day when I was with my wife's kids, which are all adults. It felt like I wasn't even there for them. After 16 years with my wife, I'm used to it now and it doesn't feel as bad as before. I take care of the 2 grandkids and it feels ok. The grandson is 2 and just loves me so much that I don't feel the pain I had before. The granddaughter is 3 months old and she is such a sunshine as she always smiles. Love those 2 kids so much so now, I'm just there, talk just a bit and my loving wife just smiles at me and she makes me feel so good. I've learned to understand that it's ok to not always be in every conversations. Took me a long time to accept it as I'd go home and cried alone feeling abandoned. When put in the effort and saw it differently, it started to feel way better. I'm so lucky to have the most amazing understanding wife, best friend and partner. My mom took her life at 40 when I was 19. My 2 families disappeared. After my divorce, my 2 daughters disappeared. I am now almostv62 and at peace. Hard to belive I went through all of that.
People telling me things I already knew used to really bother me. It became exhausting to say "I know" all the time. So, sometime in my early 20s, I decided that it didn't matter if anyone knew that I already know. It's only important that I know that I already know. I also learned that many people just like to teach as a way to feel good about themselves, so I let them.
After that, even the ones that would make fun of me for not knowing something hold no power over me, I don't feel exhausted, and I feel free. Now, I'll even question people more about something I already know, because they might actually know something that I don't. I changed my perspective to a humble one, and I'm so much stronger and more patient because of it.
Now, I've noticed that my mother has that "I know" fever, and frustrates herself with it. I've tried to gently help her understand the things I've learned around that, and she understands.
All of these sharings made me cry.. And felt aches in my heart.. There's memories associated with all the points she made.. 😔. I am that neglected, abused and abandoned child.. If not by my parents, maybe others..when I was a kid.
Crap-fitting to shitty friend groups can be quite useful when you need to get out of the house as a young person still living with abusive family. For years, I'd hang out with friends who used me for rides, free food, etc. I'd also hang out at a coffee shop for hours on end reading and drinking coffee till my heart was racing. Now I have to try not to be a complete home-body because for the first time in my life I have a peaceful, beautiful home with lots of natural light and soft colors. My mother's home had (and still has) black curtains and blinds and the blinds/curtains were always closed in our home. Perfectly fitting for the darkness that lured in that home. So grateful to be free.
I was in an awkward social situation where normally I’d just not join in and leave. This time, I took a short walk and returned to join in with the socializing and it went fine. Good job everyone. 🎉❤
1. I used to follow people around when I visited them at their place. A. I also used to freak out when my husband needed to walk away from an arguement. I used to panic that he was leaving me forever.
Omg! The waiting!
2. Get over it! Was the #1 statement in my house when i growing up.
3. I never ever "stayed friends" with exs, i was like, " want to break up? Fine. Dont need you. Dont ever reach out to me again."
Yes. The social one. Always felt outside of any group.
I went to a bonsai conference this past weekend and one things you can do is pay to watch the demos and workshops, but you cannot be involved. Just realised, that was a huge trigger. Thank you! This explains why I was so very drained when I got home and why i was acting out!
Thank you
Thank you!
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
I walk out of the room when i start to feel ignored or excluded and/ or I’m being disrupted in the middle of my words because they clearly see me as unwanted so it’s a waste of my time and oxygen even talking to them when they don’t care to hear .
i love what you said at about 9 minutes in when you said the stuff about not being able to speak up when people do terrible things to you, having to pretend that something isn't affecting you when it is, and how what that looks like in the age of division is a form of narcissistic abuse...!!! i reached my own conclusion that it's narcissistic abuse a while ago and it was validating to hear it from you !!
This is the greatest struggle of our time next to first becoming consciously aware of the abuse so you can speak up about it in the first place. Practicing stoicism helps ☘️
@@bloodstripeleatherneck1941 yes!
My parents divorced when I was three- after my mother "kidnapped" me and my sister and took us three states over... didn't see my dad for 2 months. Went back and forth between states every MONTH for 2 years... had to leave behind schools and friends multiple times. My parents weren't the emotionally stable people I needed, besides. Through my adolescence and young adulthood, I had no idea what to do about my intense feelings of terror at the thought of people leaving me, and as you could imagine, i had almost no skills for making friends. Therapists wanted to treat my depression and anxiety as the "root" of my isolation- they didn't care to look for what the root cause could be. I stumbled across your videos 6 months ago. Something clicked, and so much finally made sense. I'm scared this damage is too big and too deep to heal, but I'm going to do it anyways. I just wanted to thank you for helping me see some sense for the first time in a long time.
Hi Anna you are pure gold, I had a crappy child hood at 67 I’m still trying to heal thank you for speaking on this topic. 🙏
I got really triggered yesterday when a sibling asked me if I was going to another family members 80th birthday saying how many members were from out of state and that we should all go because we are getting older. But I wasn't told about it so not invited.
I felt so triggered all day. My childhood was very chaotic drug addicted parents..the whole 9 yards. The party is at the goldens house and my role was scapegoat.
That sounds hard. You're in the right place and we're all rooting for you! -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you💞
Your story is so familiar. You are not alone
Mom was an alcoholic, my dad was my safe buddy…. Until I went to grade school.
He was brutal to me when I struggled to learn.
I felt that I was abandoned by my only safe place!
Never had a good relationship with him after that!
.
Thanks Anna!!!
💜💜💜🙏☯️🙏💜💜💜
I'm so sorry to hear that, but I'm really glad you're here. You're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy
So grateful to be so much healthier than I have ever been!
🤗💜
Abandonment becomes a theme in life, doesn't it? We view much of life through the Abandonment Lense, even when it's not really abandonment.
@@joan.nao1246
It’s so exhausting being me🤨😂
Sometimes I feel good, I’m getting good progress, then a strange trigger takes me down 🙄🤨🙄
But, I keep trying 🙏☯️🙏
My Dad was sooo brutal to me too... would actually threaten me, one time said he would kill me for not getting math and it scared me a lot I ran out of the house and down the street
I was bullied all through school and I always cut myself down in my thoughts. I fight every day to stay positive.
Thank you for acknowledging abandoment due to parental incarceration. Most therapists and life coaches leave that out bc they assume a privileged audience
This speaks to every adoptee that carries that hidden or not so hidden abandonment wound.
I switched primary school in 5th grade because one teacher was a family friend and my parents didn't want him to give me good grades because of said friendship. The school ordered my books too late and I had to rely on my classmates for weeks to manage homework because I didn't have books to study from. I met a girl who switched schools too and I thought we would be friends at least till we went to high school. We called each other back and forth (it definitely wasn't one sided) for moral support and asked things from each other if we didn't understand something. One day I heard my classmates gossipping behind my back that I was harassing her (she had no backbone to tell that to my face, I'm a girl too by the way). After that I stopped calling her altogether and when I saw her calling I didn't answer. When asked why I didn't answer the phone I shrugged my shoulders and told her to get help from someone else "who doesn't harass her". The disbelief on her face was priceless. Also everyone had enough of me begging for books as if it was my fault that my books came later. I got them two months later. I vowed to never let myself so vulnerable again and I kept distance from them. I never went to social events for school, skipped school trips too. Became a loner. At first I let my classmates copy my homework (yes, after all of that crap) then gave them the finger all through 4 years. They sat beside me on tests believing that I'll help them. I did that a few times in the beginning but when I needed help I was rejected by them so I did the same. I sat in the first desk apart from the others to protect myself. During class reunions I refused to attend - petty or not - I didn't care. To this day that first encounter is still a vivid, painful memory and I do nit wish to acknowledge any of those people.
Funny how shit like that stays with you. The sting can come back like it was yesterday.
I think u behaved strongly and confidently. It takes courage to reject manipulators. But your parents.....merciful God what nightmares. Not caring about child s adjustment but for superficiality more. Who cares whether your grades were just or not? It s just grades....goodness
I think that snobby people and snobs are the worst. They sense that you're different, tell their friend group, then they all snub you. That's why when I grew up I dumped two of my boyfriends (I'm gay) that treated the waiter like crap. I knew what it was like to be treated less than, and to be snubbed.
Oh, this video hit home. I just found your channel last week and I want to say thank you! I've only watched a handful of videos so far but you have already helped me in some ways.
I lived with my mum, dad and half sister who is 6 and a ½ years older than me. My mum and dad split when I was 7, but they were never a true couple. I used to think it was normal for my mum to live upstairs and my dad to live downstairs. I can probably list on one hand the times they would be together on the sofa, or acting like a couple at all. When they split, I was left to live with my mum and half sister and I saw my dad once or twice a weekbut it impacted me a lot. My mum has always had a dependency on alcohol. From as young as I can remember she has drank, and that only got made worse when she met my stepdad when I was 8. He also loved to drink alcohol, so together it made for a toxic combination. I always had my general needs met. I was clothed and fed but it wasn't an easy house to grow up in. My mum was emotionally neglectful. She'd walk off when I was trying to show her things or talk to her, she'd mock me for having feelings or for being upset, she was very big on control and if I'd done something 'wrong' then she would easily go a whole week without talking to me. I'd literally just stay in my room for a week and do my best to avoid her because I couldn't stand the silent treatment. Friday and Saturday evenings were the worst, because that's when she would drink the most and it was always after the 2nd or 3rd drink that she would change and get nasty with someone. I never felt the protection from her that a child should feel from their mother. I felt like she would make me the pit of the joke rather than stand up for me. She let my stepdad move in with us after a month or so of meeting him, and she was always trying to appease him. My stepdad could be really condescending and would always belittle me, even as I got older. If I ever had an opinion he'd just laugh at me or scoff like I had no idea what I was talking about.
My older half sister just seemed not to like me for most of my life. At least that's how it came across to me as a child. Now that I've grown up, I see that she actually had her own issues and her own trauma with my mum and her own dad (who was not present in her life until she was around 12/13). She tried to form a relationship with me when I was 16/17 but it was a bit late to form a close bond with her after so many years of negative emotions attached to her. I did try though because I could see that she was trying. As I'm older though, I see that I was the scapegoat for pretty much all 3 in the house.
I moved half way across the world when I was 18, I needed to get free from the toxicity. And then when I told them I was moving, they all couldn't believe it. My mum says I broke her heart moving here and I still shake my head and try to make sense. She had 18 years to care and form a true bond with me, and all that ever mattered was my stepdad and alcohol it seemed.
Im 28 now, and last year, they came for a holiday to see me and enough was enough. A week in, both my mum and stepdad were drunk and got nasty, so I finally stood up for myself. Of course that didn't go well. I was labelled evil, an ice queen, a little bitch. But I had had enough. I have two children of my own now, and they don't seem to understand that their behaviour negatively impacts me, and that I don't want my children exposed to that. She's never acted like my mother. Even when she was over last year, before we had a falling out, it was like I was being analysed with my own children, as another thing that was thrown out at me was that I was too full on with my children and I'll end up ruining them. I couldn't believe it. My children were 6 and 4 at the time and I'll admit I am very hands on with my children. I've also been a very affectionate mother, with hugs and kisses and I tell them I love them everyday because I know how important affection is. Hell, I grew up without it and I know how much it affected me.
My mum and stepdad no longer talk to me now. It's like I don't exist. So the moral of the story for me was either put up with the BS or otherwise I don't exist. I've been working hard the last year or so but thank you again for your channel, because the healing journey isn't an easy one. Hope everyone else can find peace on their healing journey🤍
Ow wow the part about your mom walking away in the middle of you talking to her made me cry for you. I mean all of it did but that one especially got me. And the "I have to admit I am very hands on with my children" - you shouldn't have to admit that as if it's something to be ashamed of and it's natural for a good mom like you to want that for your kids - so kudos to you for rising above and being a better parent than yours were. My heart goes out to you. I hope you feel better soon, sending you good vibes!
One of my triggers comes out when I am talking within a group of people who are standing. I am very tall, so I don’t know if this is just my thing or what…but it seems a common occurrence that a short woman will come and position herself directly IN FRONT of me, placing me behind her, as if I’m being pushed out of the group. It sets me the F off like you wouldn’t believe. I usually have to remove myself before I make an ass of myself. And yep, I was bullied and ostracized by neighborhood girls from ages 6-11.
as a 5'2" woman I typically get in front of taller people so I know I'm not blocking anybody's view. Never to push them out, so you know.
Reframing: What if they are flirting with you? Short women sometimes feel very vulnerable, so standing in front of or next to a very tall man they feel safe around can make them feel protected. Next time it happens, put your hand on her shoulder. If she looks up and smiles, you're gold. If she shrugs you off and moves away, then you won't feel cut out anymore.
sounds like you should do some leapfrog to the lass
Similar but Opposite - I was always very small for my age (I'm quite normal now) and routinely felt ignored or treated as less than... even now I'm convinced people talk over my head or act as if I'm not there. This happens frequently in shops and restaurants for instance. and it really bothers me. Just the other day I was waiting for ages to speak to the pharmacist in my local chemist shop - when I finally confronted him he told me he thought I'd gone - I WAS STANDING THERE!!
@@anonygent Crikey. a hand on my shoulder from behind would terrifying for me. I may just burst into tears and leave. Has happened
I felt nothing after my two parents passed away it was a relief to know the monsters finally went away
For the longest time, I didn't understand why people found me annoying, why I felt left out in social situations like school/work or wound up in frustrating situations when, as far as I knew, I was just being myself.
My father is an alcoholic. He was never attentive when he was drunk and my mother always had to keep him from being destructive. They tried their best, but in the end, my parents never seemed to have time to tend to my emotions as a kid because they were "busy".
I only just now realized that this video describes my entire life. This is a lot to take in but thank you Anna for clarifying things.
I sadly went through all 3 examples you used at the beginning of the video. My mom died of cancer when I was 8 - my father was a distant alcoholic who remarried when I was 10. She left when I was 12. My 1st day of Grade 7 I came home to a half empty house when my stepmother left. She took many things that were my mom's & took all the food in the house. I had to go to the corner store to get my Dad & I TV dinners for supper. I've struggled with feeling abandoned my entire life. I'm 54 now & have learned to live with it but it's a trigger I don't think I'll ever get over. My son also has huge abandonment issues due to severe mental illness since he was 14. He's now 23& has lost his main friend group 3 times. He's terrified of trying to socialize or make new friends due to the severe trauma & horrific treatment from other kids as they knew they could shame him very easily. Life has been so very challenging for the past 9 years due to his illness & many difficult situations we've had to face as a family. He's also been falsely accused of rape online on his 18th birthday. I don't understand this world anymore but it's such a huge weight to bear seeing our son suffer so much after I had the same experience. I take it day by day. These videos help so thank you for all you do.
Turn to God. He ll help you. Tell you son not to use social media or video games, instead go out to nature. Read psychology u and your son
U r right. This world socks.the only faithful is Jesus. Never abandons you and He can find you good people
Yes I’ve done the taking myself out and lashing out responses. I wish I’d learned these things earlier in my life. I think I broke a relationship because when I lashed out it triggered him. I had no idea about abandonment issues until recently . Thank you Anna for explaining my thought and behaviour patterns.
It brought tears to my eyes listening to you talk about saying goodbye to your father and having his letters.
I relate to all of these triggers, but I am on my healing journey now with your help and membership of your group and I can finally recognise these triggers for what they are and that is a big step towards helping to work on them and improve my reaction to them, so thank you.
I used to absolutely freak out when my ex would walk out during a heated discussion & I would yell & scream. Also if I got the silent treatment. This guy triggered me constantly. Very toxic. My dad stopped speaking to me after my parents divorced. He was pretty neglectful before that. This whole video is me to a T. Thank you!
To hear that about your dad made me cry, for you, but also for me, I got both my parents, but they are incapable of being loving.
I’m sorry that you lost your dad so young, but glad that he showed you as much love as he could give. Thanks for the videos
You help explain and put a name to so many of my feelings that I haven't been able to find the words for when people ask me "What's wrong". I am so grateful, thank you so much.
I'm so happy to hear that! Thank you for taking the time to comment, I'm sure Anna will want to read this. -Calista@TeamFairy
early childhood trauma will ruin your life
Having had an extremely emotionally abusive BPD mother and a chronically depressed father, on top of constant ostracization at school by peers (probably for no other reason than my awkwardness), and later on being bullied and ostracized for my sexuality, I know what you're talking about. I still don't know how to do relationships, or be around people. One thing I never did though is hang out with people I don't like just to fill up my time. I'd rather be alone, hence my tendency to self-isolate. But I do keep getting limerent on unavailable/ hot and cold people and it's a cycle I wish I could stop. Your videos help a lot though.
I sat in church service crying. Every sundayjust tears drenching my face. My pastor pulled me aside privately and asked me if i was crying because of the tone of his voice. It was more his message was hitting me.
As a child and even an adult I thought I had the special power of invisibility. I was the second child, the second grandchild, so I didn't measure up with my sister. Thought that was normal for some people, watching this shows me it's not. Thank You ❤
Wow..this was so eye opening. I was always the absolute last person to be picked up from anywhere..always the last one waiting with the teacher etc. No wonder waiting for someone is so triggering for me!
One thing that confuses me is how so many people can see how their childhood and their life has affected them adversely, but don’t see the same thing for other people -in the video she talks about “terrible” people, but I wonder how wounded these people are, and what their own trauma wounds and triggers are. Sometimes life becomes easier if you see it’s not all about you,in fact it rarely is.
Thank you for this Anna. I have PTSD from over 2 years of combat in the Infantry. I just started learning about CPTSD and suddenly so many of these puzzle pieces fit! Thank you for your work and putting this out there for the world! It sure means a lot to us that feel like we are "lulling" around. Knowledge is power and you rock girl! Thank you Anna....
Thank you for your kind words! I'll make sure Anna reads this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you for your service. Be well.
Just listening to you talk about the "silent treatment" began to bring on that intense, seasick-like headache that occurs when I experience a trigger. My partner in my most recent relationship would give me the silent treatment for literally days at a time. They would pass me in the house and not acknowledge my existence even in the slightest; it felt like I wasn't really there at times. Invisible. My mother did the same throughout my childhood. For me, words roll off and in time are forgotten or forgiven; silence tears me apart to my core being, in ways that are hard to mend. Only when the abuse began to get physical was I able to pick myself up and get out of that situation. It's been over a year now since I left, and I still don't feel whole.
Hang in there. I get it
Oh, Anna. You just handed us a User Manual. This is brilliant and so generous. Thank you.
Abandonment comes in many forms. A grade retention at the age of seven "abandoned' me from the path that the rest of my peers continued on, without issue. I internalized the negative feelings I had as 'mine by decree'...and pushed down the depression and anxiety as best I could...until it exploded. Nervous breakdowns can be the beginning of something better. I found the root causes of my dysfunctions, and vowed to reprogram my incorrect perceptions.
Learning to 'Let Go' of past traumas and sorrows took time...and has become second nature. Yes, flashbacks do occur...yet can be dealt with in seconds: not pushed down...acknowledged and let go of.
Yes, I agree about nervous breakdowns being a new beginning. Mine was the start of something so incredible- finding out that I was just 'wrong' or 'bad' for starters :)
Listening to this on my way home from work, will follow up. But just by the title, I can tell this one will be right up my alley. Thank you Anna, and Team Fairy!
Thank you for being here. Jack@TeamFairy
When you mention people treating you badly but your brain thinks "must be my fault" I started laughing because I definitely do that. Ah, silly brains.
Sheesh! I can’t even begin to explain how much this hits the nail on the head within the first 5 minutes. Sums up how I wound up stuck married to a malignant narcissist for 16 years and I remember someone here on RUclips essentially saying that’s on me for choosing to stay that long. Some people are so dense they don’t get that there are so many factors that contribute to how and why people get stuck in abusive situations.