Consider subscribing for more trauma content. Chapters: 0:00 Intro 0:52 1. Emotional Delay 5:00 2. Rushing No where 8:46 3. Refrigerator Buzz Depression 11:40 4. Being Tired Is a Trigger 13:44 5. Chameleon But Don't Mix 16:05 6. On the Spot Dissociation 20:20 7. Laughing About the Pain 23:12 8. Crying Valve 26:19 9. Glass Frog 30:01 10. Sideways Grief or Pain 33:35 11. Waiting Games 36:54 Final Thoughts 38:26 Outro
Thank you, Patrick. I spent a good half of my life getting help, working on myself. Realising just how damaging a violent volatile controlling father had on me… only realising the last couple of years at 64 the symptoms I was having as a child…. rocking in bed self harm which no one ever knew about… and then the adult behaviour only ever wanting someone in my life that could be totally calm and loving towards me and of course it was never realistic. I had to learn to accept that we all have bad days but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are some psychotic person. They’re just having a bad day….. And I never even realised that I was suffering with complex PTSD ADHD the works…. I’m not one to live under the badge of those things but knowing what has affected me all my life in varying degrees helps me steer to better places and better understanding of my behaviour and the people around me….. 35 years ago I started extreme sport and constantly on the go never having a break and to the loudest of music and the fastest I could drive in a car to get A2B but I realise the avoidance in all of that and it was only until I got super unwell with a physical illness that I had to start learning to be able to be alone with me and myself, so the last nine years has had a much sharper developmental curve in the path of dealing with some of this…. So the upshot is it’s a never-ending journey, but I can actually enjoy being on my own and it being quiet….. thank you for your video because I understood so much of it. It was like one huge puzzle being pulled together…. And for that, I am grateful….
I always hated how I didn't fight back, considered myself as weak because of that and held a grudge against myself for that, but my therapist told me "if you had, what would've happened? You knew and kept yourself safe from doing nothing. It was the right thing to do." Not her words, but I'm paraphrasing and sharing in case it helps. She just led me into the conversation about that and I filled in the blanks.
@@deadinside8781 Never think of yourself as irrational or stupid, always try to understand yourself (if you don't, who will?). In this case, that was the most rational decision, but there are cases where your decisions are emotional and its just as important to understand those emotions. Understanding = peace, never hate or regret ❤
I was physically and mentally abused as a child. I’m now 60 and am just becoming the person I always was. A really nice, loving, funny, caring and articulate man. Such is life.
I was trained in ways as a child to not ask why I didn't live with my mother and father.... My mother and father gave us to my maternal mother... No nurturing ....mother stayed in our life like nothing happened.. We were supposed to accept it and have no emotion over it .... I have not had a romantic relationship since 2000.... At 53 my life is a mess
@@loobee2486you still have most of your life ahead ❤ you cant take back the time you have lost but love yourself now because you deserve it. you were just a kid q
God this hit hard. I had a counseling session where they asked if I ever felt like hurting myself and I said no unless you count wanting to drive into on coming traffic everyday he did not think it was funny
I was on the way out of state to my cousin's son's funeral, who had died by suicide, as had my husband a few years earlier. I was already emotionally raw, and then my mom called while I was eating lunch in a fast-food restaurant just off the freeway. She was more interested in getting "the dirt" on how my cousin's son had completed and what led up to it than even recognizing that I was obviously upset and crying over it. When I got off the phone and started mopping up my tears, a total stranger from a few tables away came over, gave me a hug, asked if I was OK, and could she help. It hit me at that point, I get more empathy and comfort from total strangers than from my own mother!
Oh the sideways grief really got me. I felt that a few weeks ago. I am a high school teacher, I noticed a student was looking nervous and kept watching them. I went to talk to them, said they could open up to me, and turns out they were being bullied by an older kid from a different class. I arranged a meeting with the bully's parents, the bullied student's parents and the principal to talk about what was going on, and it seems to have worked. The student looked happier, their parents thanked me for my help. I got home and started sobbing, the tears just wouldn't stop. I remembered when I was bullied and nobody cared, how I told my mom and she told me to suck it up. It was so unfair. But I'm glad I get to help my students have a better experience in school than the one I had. Even just a little bit.
Thankyou for seeing that student, and making effort to help. That pain you identified with is a part of you, & probably helped you empathize. I'm sorry you didn't get the same compassion. But maybe your efforts with your student have a side effect of helping heal you too ❤️
I feel this. I was repeatedly teased and assaulted in high school, in front of several witnesses and a teacher was even present but didn’t know what had happened. I still to this day don’t understand how. I feel so hurt that nowadays sexual assault is extremely highlighted and I wish it had been for me. I am a parent now and I know I can use my experience to make sure my children are better prepared to face any situation that could lead to what I suffered. I’m grateful for that opportunity even though it comes from a really dark traumatic experience for me.
'Neglected kids are addicted to coping'. This is so true. I'm really working on this side of myself. Incredible how we start to see it as a badge of honour. Look at how bad this situation is but I will never break. Instead of striving for a healthier situation.
I don't relate to that part. I struggled a lot to cope. Maybe, I think my subconscious was probably 24/7 on point coping. But I wasn't able to draw up coping mechanisms... if this makes sense.
Yes Ikr, I also used to tell myself that I can handle, and I can use this experience to help other's and kinda look at it like a badge of honor. Like I got a girl scout patch or something, Or a level up.
@Alex Castellanos yes I think I understand? Looking at it as a normal part of life for you because you just learn how to cope and adapt. When you find out this is part of your trauma you're not really sure how you feel kinda like a disassociation? Almost like when bad shit is happening to you, it's almost like you're looking from the outside? Not sure if I'm explaining it right. I draw not write. But if I'm right yes I know exactly how you feel.
This is still my husband 24/7🥺 I try getting through to him using little things that'll make his life better, but at the moment I don't want to be pushy. He's finally doing emdr, but it's taking a toll on him. So very thankful he has a great therapist now
Yeahh I experience this I'm addicted to phone one of the coping mechanism of my loneliness and do come and cope again such as journaling watching videos on yt
As an adult, I once told my dad that I came close to making an attempt on my life when I was a teenager. It was an attempt to connect with him. He looked me dead in the eye and said "yeah, we've all been there, get over it". When I tell people I laugh about it because it's so absurd, like what kind of parents does that lol. I never thought about how that response wasn't healthy. Your content is really changing my life
Same same. My mum screamed at me, "If you want to kill yourself, go do it at your Dad's place!" Right before I noticed a friend had visited and was watching awkwardly from the front door. I had to mask up and quietly tell her it wasn't a good time.
I think what's also tragic is that your dad had feelings of wanting to die and brushed it off without realizing there is a possibility of a better life if you sit down and reflect on your life and on your loved ones. What he said to you sucks and it's likely something that was passed onto him via generational trauma of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps"
@@tiffanyh629 Yeah, my dad absolutely has his own childhood trauma from an abusive father figure which I understand. I still refuse forgive him (or my mom or step parents) for parenting a teenager who was so close to ending his life and acting like they had no idea. I can't even imagine that. If/when I have kids of my own, I'll make sure they aren't subject to that kind of dismissal.
I remember woundering how my friends were able to trust their parents enough to tell them some of the stuff they told them. I always feel like I am a kid outside a candy shop when I see healthy relationships. Thank you for this video!
I crave that... a healthy relationship with my parents. Unfortunately one refused to acknowledge the abuse before they passed.... the other passed before we could get help together. I have no choice but to live with the broken relationships
@@ximar0ckstrxthat's too bad. Nothing to do now but get over it and move on. I recommend you don't even talk about it anymore. Make your past your past and out of your control... because it is.
@@ximar0ckstrx, it really helped me to count my blessings regarding my parents (gratefulness practice).. I felt so drained by the recent abuse I had no energy left to let it all go. Positivity helped to realised they have given me something good too.
I’ll never forget my first job out of college. I was a graduation photographer, I took pictures of rising high school seniors for their graduation the following year. I remember a young man and his mom took a selfie together, and what got me is that they genuinely looked happy to be with each other. I stared at them for a few moments fighting back tears, wishing that I had that. I’m even tearing up typing this
seeing happy families, even in movies sometimes, makes me so jealous and cry out of disappointment like no other. I wish someone loved me or cared about my existence, I wish I knew what genuine family support feels like ;(
@@solala1312 As someone who also came from a highly dysfunctional family with an alcoholic father and mother diagnosed in my 20's as paranoid schizophrenic I know it is supremely hard to be around and see highly functioning families. I'm turning 60 next month and my father to this day doesn't recognise my talents, gifts and aptitudes. However I do have an amazing marriage to a beautiful man who is on this same path of healing and re-writing the story of ignorance and abuse he inherited from his own family. It took 10 long years for me to conceive my daughter (with the egg of an egg donor) who is now 12 and flourishing in the world. My message is to keep on the path of healing, little step by step and gently recognise that you have an abundance of gifts to offer yourself and the world. As you begin to recognise the debilitating patterns of behaviour and the critical, hopeless self talk, you can start to counter it with a new story, a new possibility. I believe we are here to grow, we are here to grow and transform the burdens of life into gifts that we can share - helping to lighten the load and cast off the heavy rocks we acquired so young. Wishing you an incredible journey ahead and the strength and vision to attract the love and support you dream about. xxx
Me too...ive speny 45 yeats of my life seeking that "connection" with either parent..its a cold safe place inside now, but no more pain from desiring something i can never have...😢
What gets me, is every time I watch home alone. With the scene with Kevin outside the window of a neighbours house looking in at a family all having a nice meal together looking happy and normal and he's outside when his parents have left him at home while they go on holiday (accidentally of course). My family go away together every summer while I have to house sit, water the quarter of an acre garden they have and look after their pets. And when they go away in winter for christmas they turn off the heating. But expect me to make a fire when they get home so the house is warm for them and will have a go at me if the sink has pots in it or if I'm still doing them when they get back and will passive aggressively do things that I didn't do when they were away, like bring in parcels or empty bins or if the bin smells will take it out or if I've not bought the milk in from outside. They don't care about me. Literally cinderella but they arent step relatives, my actual parents.
I had that problem, "can't stop crying" while in therapy and the psychiatrist told me at the end of my first visit that she couldn't help me and to find someone else. That rejection while seeking help made things so much worse. I am 60 and that was less than ten years ago. Now I just isolate.
@melanief6113 I’m sorry you experienced that. The psychiatrist was unprofessional and unethical. I hope you were given a list of referrals. Regardless, the treatment by the psychiatrist was unconscionable. Don’t burden yourself with their ineptitude or laziness.
Take her advice and continue with finding a clinical psychologist. She’s correct. Psychiatrists don’t have the 5 year degree/master/PHD in the many different types of therapy. They’re trained as a doctor which encompasses so many different disciplines. See it that she wanted you to have more than she could offer you and she wasn’t fragile enough not to be able to admit that. It’s your trauma that made you feel that rejection. A Psychologist is the way to go. You deserve the best. Good luck.
I had something very similar happen and I’m 25. Something world-ending happened to me and when trying to tell my therapist about it she wanted me to cancel the rest of my appointment and go straight to the hospital. She told me she didn’t want to see me back until I was on anxiety medication. It’s been 5 months and I haven’t seen her again, I don’t think I ever will.
I tried therapy. I went once a week for 4 weeks. Every session started with her saying how are things and I sobbed the entire time, all 4 times. No progress. No change. Horribly depressing. I quit going. It was too traumatic. It took 15 years to figure out what was wrong.
You’re absolutely right, I am a projector but with energy. I have learned to rest, receiving mode, and mindfulness. It always surprises me what triggers me and what doesn’t. ❤ thank you for the comment:)
@@elitecoaching4927 ive been dealing with the same issues for a long time and know what its like. Im a projector as well. Being tired is a trigger for me also.
The not sleeping because of hyper vigilance was such a lightbulb moment. As a child I stayed up just Incase my parents fought and I had to call the cops. When I had children I was constantly worried something would happen to them. It’s unbelievable how your childhood trauma ties into your issues as an adult.
Same, I slept with my shoes on in case I needed to run to the neighbors to call the police when my stepdad started his shit. Because nobody else would :(
I remember i woke up at my ex his parents one time, and i could see out of the window that the father was playing pingpong with my boyfriend and his brother, and the mom just sitting beside it and all of them having fun together and laughing. I sat there and cried my eyes out.
Feel you. It's terrible. I don't go to my dad for that reason. He is such a different dad to them. He ignores me and stuff. But he will be there and playing with his other kids lol. Get so triggered as well when i see other healthy families 🫣
A huge trigger for me is my dad being a great dad to his second set of children but neglected me so badly. I’m pretty angry and hurt at that. My dad is a narcissist and I’m told to just let it go and it’s not fair. Quit looking into the past he tells me.
@Googy Grant I think it really helps to notice how the support for the Golden child is meant to make you jealous and control you both. The golden child might help the parent scapegoat you and live in privilege but that privilege comes from being a loyal soldier, an ecochamber, a best friend, and often financial dependence on the parent and comes with a set of rules of who they can be how they can act that involves squashing down any and all parts of themselves that would inconvenience or displease the parent. Watching Encanto and then listening to a therapist explain Isabella's role in the family in the movie and talk about how golden child kids can cope with drugs sometimes really helped me see the experience my golden child sibling had, even before I realized our mom was a narc and what that meant. It's not ok. It's not right. And not having a safety net is deeply traumatizing, but I'm not jealous like I sometimes used to be. If the golden child falls out of line the narcissistic parent changes the game and makes you the favourite for a while or makes some new children to help make you both jealous again. The love for those kids is a conditional lie. It's sad. It's not real safety.
I had a similar but not identical experience my mom (who is also a traumatized person) saw my bro as needing all her empathy because he’s obviously a mess and my sister who is the baby. But I was always considered to be an actress because once when I was an infant my mom fawned over me like I was sick and apparently I went limp. She was always fond of telling folks I was the one she didn’t have to worry about. I simply wanted to make her happy. But i also wanted to be heard but since I was such an actress I knew nobody would believe me. Any time I tried I got shut down because apparently adults are the only ones with pain or real problems. Now in my 50’s I’m finally being believed but only because the veterans administration has sanctioned my mess. Want to throw up just thinking about it.
I still remember realizing I have persistent depression and asking my husband if he had always knew. I cried so hard when he told me he has always known, he has known I might always be, and he loves ME and my depression is not who I am.
I recommend seeing the whole video, but for your reference, here's a summary of each point: The 11 Oddly Specific Childhood Trauma Issues: 1. Emotional Delay - experiencing emotions triggered by an issue later than the occurrence 2. Rushing Nowhere - an urge to move to the next step without slowing down 3. Refrigerator Buzz Depression - a depression that had always been there since childhood 4. Getting tired is a trigger - being tired causes urge for overproductivity 5. Chameleon But Don't Mix - compartmentalizing identities according to situation 6. On the Spot Dissociation - checking out when put in place to speak 7. Laughing About the Pain - jokingly talking about abusive situations, not taking severity of situation seriously 8. Crying Valve - either you can't cry or you can't stop crying 9. Glass Frog - the feeling of being raw and exposed in social surroundings 10. Sideways Grief or Rage - repressing feelings of grief in seeing healthy families or feeling rage over little things 11. Waiting Games - I'll do it after y takes place Very unique issues. Thanks for the video, Patrick!
I wonder if certain kinds of obesity is a response to glass frog. It really helped me be ignored and made me asexual to everyone which was a lot more comfortable.
The time my husband said to me “You don’t deserve to be treated that way”. And when I responded how I was conditioned to believe that “I put my parents through hell growing up “… he was like “No you didn’t. You’re an amazing person who is constantly doing everything for them and no one appreciates your heart. They just want you to believe that you’re guilty of something so that you keep doing everything for them. Why can’t you see that?” That began my journey into discovering my sense of self, authentically, and now I’ve learned that I was just the scapegoat for my narcissistic family for the past 30 years, but on the bright side I’ve been no contact for almost 2 years now lol 😅🐐
I was also diagnosed by my therapist as the scapegoat of my family. It honestly was brought to my attention by my own sister when I told her that our family was constantly comparing my life to hers to point out that I was not “good enough”. I often heard phrases like “why can’t you be more like your sister?” Or “if you were more like your sister, things wouldn’t be this way in our family”. When I realized I was the scapegoat, I stopped letting myself be the scapegoat. I went no contact for a year before my family finally realized they needed to apologize. I pray your family realizes this too. It took a lot of work for my family to start healing and recognizing their roles in me and my sister’s trauma. I hope the same happens for you. Family is important, but you don’t have to completely lose yourself to make your family happy. Stick to your guns and I believe that eventually they will respect you for it.
Nice! I have cut all contact to my family when I was 25, after my aunt had left the living. Its been 2 years for me, too. I had been very close to my personal offenders and nearly as close to the ones that abused others.. and some of the victims, like my aunt. She made me rearrange my whole inner world, in a very valuable way. I started realising how affection and trauma-bond induced addiction and fixation on violators in order to survive can feel similarish in a self-manipulative mind. These days, I look back and fail to recognize the person I was in the presence of the sadists and tyranns.
I was raised in a toxic family and I always told myself there is someone out there who has it worse than me. But after watching this video I think for the first time I actually realized how bad my situation actually was because I can relate to every single one of these and it seems like my whole ‘personality’ is just a trauma response.
No no, We are ALL traumatized. You have just woken up to the fact. You are way ahead of the fray and really self aware. You are Probably better than you think right now.
When I went through quite extensive therapy, at the end of it I realised I didn't actually know who I was and that I am actually a completely different person. It was strange but also very enlightening. I had also spent my entire life in a trauma response.
The way I had the video on double speed and then put it back to normal when he said the thing about always being in a rush for no damn reason😭 like I always feel like I need to get through something as fast and efficiently as possible
Me too, man. I was in the middle of the video tbh, and have already watched it in 2x and 1,5x speed, just for nothing, just for rushing. I reset the video and now I will watch it entirely in 1x speed and seeing no comments
"We don't know how to take the truth about what happened to us seriously because nobody else did." Wow this hit me so hard. My therapist would always ask me why I was laughing about traumatic things I talked about and I never really knew how to answer her.
@@KaiLucasZacharyBy asking that question, the therapist IS helping the client find the answer. It forces the client to be self-aware of their thoughts regarding the topic (e.g. laughter) and explain why they found something traumatic funny.
when I was asked this by a therapist it didnt feel like a pointer to self enquiry, it felt like when teachers ask "why are you chewing gum in class?" . I was young at the time and not healed or developed beyond the trauma of childhood . These days I would see it as a question , and , if it was in fact.a passive agressive comment. Id address her behaviourm but in those days I wasnt so smart .
@@BluDrop5 That only works if you already have the tools to identify the reason, and a great many of us don't have the tools. THAT'S WHY WE'RE IN THERAPY.
I remember the first time I saw my now husband's parents holding hands in public and had the realization that parents can love each other, and it nearly broke me. Sideways grief is the real deal.
On the spot disassociation is a big one for me. It feels so embarrassing because people asking me simple questions can confuse me. I’ll forget for no reason and then it seems like I’m lying. This happens a lot in interviews because of the pressure to say the “right things”.
Even just "And who's this?" Turns to me...panic ensues. I've accidentally lied about my name because I briefly couldn't remember it and gave my middle school nickname which was very confusing for everybody lol. This other time there was a work lunch and it was buffet style and i was grabbing my plate super content and this guy asks me what soda i want. I said root beer and he poured it and handed it to me. At the same time i happened to grab a fork. My brain connected a utensil (fork) with root beer and thought he was handing me a root beer float so i put the fork in the cup. He made fun of me and i had to laugh it off because who does that?
Maybe this won't help but I manage to trick myself into saying the right things by playing a kind of association game. They ask a question, I freeze for a split second, then the absolute first situation that comes to mind (and sometimes I really have to work for anything to come to mind by looking at everything around me to jog my memory about literally anything) I find something professional about it to talk about while I process the question they asked, then find a way to link the more thought out answer to my association stall story. I also try to keep a list of key words and a couple of noted situations that help show my skills on my padfolio in case I get too nervous to make the association thing work
I was put into special reading because my teacher would put me on the spot and I'd freeze. They thought I had learning issues. I was making straight A's and surpassing everyone in the class and they realized I was actually smart & pulled me back out of it & into regular classes. This is one of I really struggle with. It makes it so hard to put myself out there and even make friends.
I hope and pray that everyone watching this video is healing and gaining an understanding of themselves and working it out, you are strong and not alone🙏🏼
I remember I saw my girlfriend interact with her parents, jokingly, lovingly, and positively. And, I knew I felt weird about it to be honest I thought it was jealousy because I could never be like that towards my parents. I'm glad I learned I wasn't jealous I was angry or grieving over the fact that I could never be like that with my parents, even in the moments I do. I feel like that moment always tends to get ruined by something my parents created.
Thank you for your comment. I feel weird around my partners family and kids. I've thought through jealousy, and judgements. I have zero contact with my remaining family. I'm thinking I'm just confused how he can love them so closely, and love me, too, but in adult way. I'm truly afraid there's not enough room for me. But there is. I've seen it. Thank you, for your comment, it popped through a barrier I didn't understand before. Hoping you are well today. ❤
I feel that so much, in each relationship I had, I had the same exact sense of longing and jealousy, when I would see my partner and their parents or siblings interact and especially be loving and affectionate. It feels so much better to rebrand it as a feeling of grief, rather then perceive ourselves as “controlling” or “possessive” in our heads🧡
I get like this as well when I see father- daughter dances at weddings...or basically any happy moments families share with their parents...I oddly feel completely broken,angry, exhausted, sad...I thought It was just me.
@@soniadomaradzka3120 wer'e learning new 'words', that fit the feeling better. I know, for me, longing, regret, even anger towards my parents, fit better that jealousy. I'm soo grateful for this post chain!! I hope your different words, different prospective, helps in your relationships. We can heal, we are not our trama or a by-product. We deserve happiness and love!!
I really get the idea of sideways grief. Whenever I see a good parent out in the wild- like responding to their kid at a grocery store- I get teary eyed and feel like I love them, and this doesn't seem to happen to other people I know.
Me too. I love to see dads out riding bikes with their kids, and see a bright light in kind people. I can’t listen to certain types of beautiful music lest I become emotional. I think we can learn to set boundaries with those situations while still feeling so happy and good kind families etc.
I’ve had this reaction when I visit a friend whose family is supportive and has normal, healthy boundaries. I see them treat each other well, and not be hypercritical, and I get so sad.
So real. I always appreciate those moments when I see them. I never had that in my childhood. But its nice to see that someone else does. 🥲 yes, its wholesome but knowing I didn't have that kinda makes my chest feel hollow and the tears flow. So I appreciate the fact that I got to see someone who's living in that moment I so badly wanted to feel just once. Too much? I'm feeling that throat knot coming up 🤣 stay positive yall 💜
I'm the same when I see people laughing with their children, saying encouraging things or just being kind, I think wow, they're amazing, but to most people that's the norm. I cant comprehend what it must feel like to have been loved just as you are.
I love how gentle you are with all of us, it means a lot. I love when you clarify things like, “and that’s not an attack on you”. Oftentimes I don’t even notice that I’m offended/triggered until you say things like that, and then I’m calmer and more present. It’s awesome, thank you so much for what you offer and who you are
@ Peace Girl Food for thought. I can be quite blunt, (hate secrets - reaction to childhood). For me it is big effort to be careful with my words, but it's gotten much better.
@@noneofurbusiness5223 I have the same trouble with being blunt. I don't suffer fools gladly, that's for certain. In my childhood home everything was a secret; even things that didn't make sense to be a secret and I blundered many times at revealing a "secret" innocently and then would get in so much trouble afterward. It was extremely confusing so now I have gone to the opposite extreme, which isn't good either.
I am 65 years old - the mention of friends and family kept popping up! I suffered the most extreme childhood trauma, sexual, physical, psychological, total neglect, and I didn’t even know! I’ve never had a friend in my life - only predators that masqueraded as ‘friends’ only to then become abusive, just like the ‘family’ I grew up in. It was my ‘normal’. I’m only just beginning to understand the horrendous reality of it now! It really hits me hard. And no, I can’t cry!!
I can relate your comment word by word. But i am in my late 20s with trust issues and i isolate myself from others because of this. I can't trust anyone anymore. I am done with that
This is pure gold. A lot of us were trained to become people-pleasers, afraid of saying no for fear of violence or rage. My go-to is still a "Sure I will" never thinking of what I need, do I really want to do this? Am I being manipulated? That's one of the most frustrating aspects of cPTSD/trauma that really frustrates me. I keep forgetting, "No!" is a complete sentence.
A little trick passed on to me. I am not 100% successful, but i know to strive for progress, not perfection. My AA Sponsor and I worked on my codependency issues when i was in early sobriety. She taught me to take a breath when someone asks me to do something. Take a few seconds and take a couple slow deep breaths before answering with. " Thank you". Pause and think again before giving your yes/no answer. If it's something big, ask to think on it and get back to them tomorrow. It takes practice. But boy, has it saved me from some pickles i might have otherwise found myself in. Sometimes it feels like I'm about to stick my hand in the fire. I know not to stick my hand in the fire. I tell meself no. You know what happens when you stick your hand in the fire. You've done it before. You said you wouldn't do it again. Don't stick your hand in the fire !!!!!!! Noooo! And there i am, watching my hand going into the fire. Now. I remember to thank. Stop and breath . Less exhausting!!!
People pleasing is definitely something I struggle with. I try to keep the peace but in the long run it causes more conflict because I can't keep up with promises I made
Refrigerator buzz depression really hit the nail on the head. It also explains what happened earlier this year. I was talking with a co-worker and he told me I'm a really nice person and everyone thinks so, and I just started crying. Really confused him. Really confused me too to be fair.
Same, I remember I was transferred to a different location for a month and when I came back basically all my coworkers were happy to see me and said they really missed me. I just thought to myself "people really care about me?"
@@jakatak744 I've had those realizations too! I remember I went out with some college friends at the mall and I "escaped" (I just left without them knowing to get some alone time) for a while. After coming back, one of them told me "we were looking for you! I'm so glad you're here again!" And I just stared blankly like "??? They cared???" Days later, after processing the emotion, I kinda wanted to cry ngl.
I was very nervous the other day at the gym. Couldn't go on with my exercises. Several people came and asked how I felt, offered cookies and help. It made me cry harder. Even now when I am recalling it I have tears swelling in my eyes. I think this is a response to someone genuinely helping and acknowledging my emotions. Something I was brought up almost deprived of. I am 33, and shill dealing with this stuff
Oh.. those crying episodes with my mom. That.. makes sense. Infrequent but.. yeah. I.. don't know how one acts like a child because I was too observant to other matters. Still an under current of feeling regarding that.
My sister sent me this video during a complete mental breakdown I was having yesterday, you may have genuinely saved my life. I'm 23yrs old, no contact with my mother(Dad died when I was 9 due to Alcoholism)For the first time in my life seeing evidence that I'm not a broken toy, that I'm not the one responsible for what happened. It's very literally life affirming.
Brave post. The first step in recovery is realising/ identifying the problem. I was massively burdened by guilt as a child because I was repeatedly told that I had ruined my mother's life. The realisation that my conception wasn't my 'fault' but the result of choices made by 2 adults changed my thinking. I knew I was being abused, the guilt went away but other very difficult feelings of inadequacy, depression and suicidal ideation crept in. I had therapy for a while as a kid but my mother fell out with the therapist for refusing to show her his notes on our session! She wanted him to diagnose me with something and maybe deep down knew that the things she said to me at home were not normal or acceptable... So therapy didn't last long. I'm already getting in to a wordy essay here so I'll try to be succinct. I used hard drugs for years through my 20s and 30s. It really took away my pain and helped me function in the early days, but eventually I chose to go to treatment abroad for 3+ months. It was only during my rehab that I really faced my childhood trauma. Lots of hours of one on one therapy & counselling as well as daily group therapy that I would never have experienced if it wasn't for my addiction. The mental scars are not always apparent to us, they manifest in many ways and can cause huge problems in all aspects of life. I wish I had got help 20 years earlier, maybe I could have avoided alot of suffering and been more fulfilled today. You're young, with your life ahead of you. Look into any help/ therapy that is available to you (maybe covered by insurance?) If your sister sent you this video, maybe she has similar feelings or, at least is aware of your condition? Maybe start by talking with her. I wish you the best on your journey, don't sleep on this though, it doesn't just 'go away'.
Finally broke into tears at the words "these issues are not forever and they are not set in stone". Unfortunately, I'm still trapped in an abusive home, and strongly identify with each issue listed. Being told there's some kind of hope, I can't put words to how much I need to hear it. Thank you.
Same here, but you'll make it out. I did a year and a half ago, and from what I hear from friends and family I like, I 100% made the right decision. We can recover. I'm working on it. You can too.
I didn’t realize rushing was a trauma response. I always felt like everything always had to be done asap no matter how minuscule the task is and if I’m late, I feel like I failed or embarrassed, almost a sort of shame.
I do this but not from an emergency feeling, I want to be done with whatever I'm doing as quickly as possible so I can resume one of the three of four activities I actually want to do. Literally everything else feels like a distraction.
I definitely feel like refrigerator buzz depression can mold into high functioning depression as well for some people. “It’s just a part of me, but the show must go on.” It’s interesting to see how these obscure experiences resonate with many.
Defo, also I've been on antidepressants so long I didnt know what the side effects of the meds were and what was depression and what was me. Turns out most of my symptoms were down to being on such a high dose of antidepressants and probs the wrong type, the doctors don't care, they just want you to go when you try and get help, they aren't qualified enough to understand, same as mental health professionals, they just want you to keep taking the meds and you're so drugged up you can't make a proper decision on what to do. I feel like they want you drugged up so you aren't a problem to them anymore, it doesn't matter about how I feel. I'm on a child's dose of antidepressants now and my anxiety, energy levels and motivation have got so much better. I didnt discuss it with my docs, had to figure it out on my own.
I noticed mine in my late teens, finally was hanging around friends away from my parents & gained a reference point & some self-awareness for the first time. All I can think of is, how did my mother not notice all those symptoms!!! The more I practice breaking those behaviors (not bathing properly, self-harm, etc.) the more I realize she was completely neglecting me. I speak to my inner child in such a motherly way, literally teaching myself how to take care of myself, and I wonder why/how she did not teach me anything
I want to add some insight to #5: Part of the hesitancy to mix social groups is due to the chameleon behavior itself. If you adapt yourself to the social norms of one group, & you do the same with another that has completely different norms, how will you simultaneously perform both sets of norms at once? You can’t do this without being more of your authentic self. There is a perceived risk to stability in those social connections if you don’t craft your reactions around their norms, rather than just having similar reactions with all the different people you know.
For me it's that I feel constantly responsible for how people get along - mixing groups is very stressful, because it leads to the possibility that some or those people won't get along and it will resemble the loyalty conflicts from the family of origin.
This. As someone who is highly dissociative, I remember the humiliation when kids from school where I was borderline mute heard about a music class where I was the class clown. As it turns out, those really were two different people...but you can't explain that.
I totally relate to the sideways grief/rage. I remember walking home from the grocery store and seeing a girl crying and her mother hugging her at the side of the street and overhearing her say “it’s ok, I’m always here for you and we will get through this together” and once I got in my house, I just started crying uncontrollably because I never had that kind of support as a child and no one was ever there for me. I also get angry and frustrated really easily, especially if I cannot figure out how to do something, and often memories of my parents saying “what’s wrong with you?” Or “how come you can’t do something so easy?” Come flooding back to me. I have ADHD & dyscalculia so those are things I heard a lot growing up.
I love this video because he actually discusses NEGLECT as a trauma. I've been through dozens of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), DBT, and other types of group therapies and not one of them talked about neglect. They were all about physical violence, S.A., bullying, etc... Not to say those aren't valid traumas though. This video is a breath of fresh air! Well done! 🎉 (Edit because I forgot the internet is the internet lol: CBT = Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)
Maladaptive daydreaming is said to be a symptom of trauma, and is an addicting form of escapism. Discovering this term and what it meant, a few years back, and it was disturbing how much of my life was spent in that; trying to internalize to find an escape from a lot of really screwed up things from my past. Being addicted to that form of coping has been extremely difficult to break out of.
I know what you mean my friend. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this experience. I'm 21 now and I've been doing this MD since I was 15. I definitely think it's a coping mechanism for trauma. I think for me the root cause is having very low self confidence in my ability to do anything in my every day life. I've been working hard for the past two years to stop myself. It is very hard but it's possible! Stay strong my friend your doing great! 💪
What you said really resonated. I've lost so much time to "day dreaming." I'll sit down for a cup of coffee, and three or four hours have gone by without notice.
I do that to go to sleep at night. I have to make up a scenario where I am someplace I love and I feel calm and at peace. It always involves the ocean. I have to get pretty deep into it to keep the other thoughts in my head away that keep me awake. I have severe insomnia. My mind doesn't want to shut off. Have you got insomnia also?
I can remember crafting entire storylines every night before I slept as a kid. I would close eyes and imagine landscapes, character dialougue, use my mouth for sound effects, and move my arms to simulate fighting scenes. One recurring theme I notice now is that in all of those universes I would "pilot" as the main character, and crafting the stories around their triumphs over the toughest of obstacles (them of course being the most rewarded and heroic characters). This has probably had a direct effect on how well i can visualize and daydream. And due to this skill It is has an intoxicating grasp on my life. If I think of something I want, I can just vividly imagine having it. And vaguely experience the feelings I crave. It's not real, of course. But there is still real attachment and feelings in those "mind trips", something to gain. Nowadays I can find myself visualizing or daydreaming out various social interactions I want to experience. Trying to force how I want others to act and perceive me into the real world. It can get so bad some nights that I just want to stay in a world or reality that I created, because it feels that karma has my back in those worlds. For anyone else with a very high level of this skill of visualization. I think there can be some very cool applications of it! You can use it to visualize a feeling you want to have, and usually you can pull that feeling into the real world! It's not perfect, but for a quick boost of energy it can prove useful. One of my favorite applications you can try is for "relaxation" visualizations. Now I got to preface this by saying I don't think these will actually help you get to sleep. From personal experience they just make me really relaxed and have a bodily experience akin to a body high. But it can be fun to unwind before sleep by doing this. Don't focus on the environment, but focus on how your body feels and moves. Connect movement (lets say your breathe) to an absurdly exaggerated visualization. I like to imagine a balloon inflating to the maximum point as I breathe in, and to a thin compressed hydraulic pressed like state as I breathe out. Connect this visualization with your stomach and breathe. You can get so good at this that it is very hypnotizing. This is probably just another form of coping haha, but I discovered it as I was meditating. I was trying to focus more on my breathe, so a deep breathing practice, not a true mindfulness practice. To achieve mindfulness this experience is the OPPOSITE of what you want. Presence is no thoughts at all. It is a much more peaceful state, and I recommend going for it instead of visualizations and gimmicks like this. To do that you can focus on outside awareness. DO NOT focus on your breathe, as that is a part of you. Focusing on a part of yourself can be useful but it is dangerous, because it almost always leads back to you being stuck in your head. I like to focus on outside sounds around me. Some of my favorites are bugs, fans, a/c units, anything that is constant. And then try to expand your sound awareness from those anchor sounds, but by bit you will notice more around you. At some point I then open my eyes and focus on multiple different things around me, making sure not to hyperfocus on one spot. This is my go to method for getting more present quickly. Again, be careful focusing on your feet against the ground, on your breathe, on on your physical sensations. These can lead to hyperfixation on yourself, which is not what you want for being present. : )
@@riehelm745that specific example you gave is actually not maladaptive daydreaming, but a healthy coping mechanism, if imagining a comfortable place helps you get to sleep please keep doing it! but if you find yourself doing it during the day and interfering with your day to day life that is a sign it might be time to start seeking out other coping mechanisms that work for you
I know this is small but thank you for saying "we" so much. It makes us feel conntected. I am not alone and neither is anyone who saw this video and clicked on it. We have similar and different experiences but trauma is hurt all the same. I wish Love and Healing to everyone who needs it
I've listened to this 3 times in 2 days and I'll listen to it again and again. My heartaches, depression, rage, oversharing, that I thought were part of my ADHD, are really trauma responses. My family felt so normal. My parents are good people with their own trauma. They really were doing their best. But at least I'm learning early enough to identify how I've copied them, shared this with my kids, and we are working to undo the hurt and get on a better path.
I'm 63 years old and I balled my eyes out, watching this. Thank you so much for teaching such compassion for the abused inner child. This was powerful.
@@JTguitarlessons I saw the spelling error without feeling the need to criticize the poster. You may want to examine your motivation for even mentioning it.
Once, at the age of 10, I had to stay for the night at my cousin(with her professor husband)s house, to look after their 4 months old baby, among 3 other kids all under 9. The baby started screaming a half an hour after the grown-ups left. I remember trying everything, hushing, rocking, giving bottle, change nappy. NOTHING helped! Hours later they came back, and accused me of upsetting the baby into a state. Then she decided to cut my hair off. It was horrible! I never slept that night. After it, I told nobody.
@@LR-yu3mx Your parents didnt ask what happened to your hair? Im guessing your parent was a narcissist and knew you would be abused at this house. 10 year old should not be put in charge of other children especially a baby. The sense of injustice from narcissistic scapegoat abuse is enormous.
Yes, even after ten years of therapy, I have so much anxiety inside of myself. I’m so scared of not having a home and becoming homeless because I cannot ever go back to that horrible place I escaped from in the past. I’m a survivor of severe childhood trauma and abuse and it’s taken so much work to get to where I am today.
I was admitted to the day hospital a month ago. Even after the day hospital, my anxiety is still very high oftentimes. I got sent there because I was having numerous numerous anxiety/panic attacks every day. It went on for about three weeks. Good luck though, I really hope you are able to lower that horrible anxiety that overcomes your body!🙏 You can do it, 100% confident in you!🤗😊
My mind is blown. I’ve been so terrified of starting therapy because of what it might unearth. “Randomly” stumbled upon this video today and am finally feeling ready to start healing. Thank you.
I’m crying because so many of these apply to me . I am a civil war baby from Liberia and didn’t come to america till I was 7. My family dynamic did not get any better in America the promise land which was so heartbreaking to me . I remember getting into a horrible accident that totaled my car when I was 17/18 and I was too afraid to tell my mom . Or to ask her for nurturing I knew I wouldn’t get. I didn’t even call her while in the hospital . I was so afraid of being rediculed and getting hit. I had to take care of myself and was made fun of for totaling my car and shamed for embarrassing her . That memory just resurfaced for me today… Im 26 year old and I think I will join a trauma support group.
You are a marvel. I am 80, born in wartime Europe when parents were prisoners. Staying alive took precedence over "tell me what you're feeling. " You have described several of my issues with such a depth of understanding and compassion. Will need several more listenings.
@Irene Shearer I'm really proud of you for physically surviving & even prouder that you're still open to growth. My mum & now‐deceased grandparents were raised under the same conditions & sadly my mum is very hateful to me & refuses to accept that not everyone feels emotionally identical. So yeah ‐ you're really good at being a mindful adult❤ #hugehugs
you just made me realize that unconsciously part of why i avoid going to bed at night it's because that was one of the times when felt the most abandoned just laying in that dark room alone listening to my parents fight listening to all of the violence and chaos out there and all of that and how having that still quiet moment with my internal thoughts now triggers that same feeling
SAME! I have a psych degree and about to go back to finish my grad school degree for my MFT license... and ....I have not thought about this and tied it to my trauma until this video !!! :) That is when he really won me over here that this is stellar content
I never considered my refusal to go to bed as a childhood trauma issue until this list. I didn't hear fighting but I had a single mom who worked several jobs on all shifts so I only remember putting myself to bed. I understood why she wasn't there but I still felt abandoned. The complete silence of an empty house is deafening to a young child.
So relate. I hated naps too, because of FOMO & fearing abandonment. We all deserve extra time making bedtime a fairytale comfort zone. Warm flannel jammies, hot tea, storytime. I keep a snow forest or Santa Advent calendar on the pillow year round, one for every month, & a book of Desert Fathers & Rumi.
And this video comes with treatment suggestions. This might be one of the most important videos I’ve ever watched in my life. I’m blown away by the validation, care, and everything that’s the opposite of being dismissed. I bravely spoke up as a very small child, and got shut down sharply. Repeat throughout my life. Thank you SO MUCH for this video.
I’ve never ever ever seen anyone talk about the chameleon can’t mix thing. I think it rooted from being so loud and obnoxious with friends and family and being shy, quiet and compliant with teachers and other adults, but when two people from both groups were in the same room, I had no idea how to act. I’m 20 years old now and this is still pretty intense for me. Sometimes at work I’ll click with some coworkers better than others, and I can really be openly myself with someone while being extremely shy and reserved with someone else. When we’re altogether I have no idea how to act
well i cant mix my friends cause im gay and closeted lol. also my parents arent divorced by they too did this because whenever both sides of their families gathered for birthdays it was a nightmare for them so the sides of the family rarely see eachother and if they do i have to hear allll the gossip for ages. and theres always this pressure to like one side more. for example i got a gift from my dad sister and i loved it then my mom told me its really cheap and ugly and she didnt even buy me anything for my graduation or 18th birthday (we live in 2 different continents so it makes sense she didnt lol)
Exactly. I don’t understand how to set boundaries. It feels so strange, like why should I have the right to restrict a person from doing something that makes me uncomfortable? It feels like I am being over sensitive. I did not have boundaries as a little kid and I still don’t
@@I_got_handledthis is true- being sad isn’t necessarily enough- even disappointment sometimes isn’t enough but anger- I gotta say what I gotta say but I try to do it in a respectful manner because everyone deserves that much.
@@laavv I struggled for 10 years, now i struggle less as I learned that boundaries are not to restrict someone else… but to help myself to respond to someone else’s actions. If someone still decides to touch me in a public space even after I said “keep your hands to yourself!” , I’d say what I’m going to do (to protect my own wellbeing) instead of telling others on what to do/ what not to do without consent. Healing is a messy journey, it’s never ending one step forward & two steps back type of homework. We can do this, best wishes 🌱
I am one of six siblings. The 3 older ones grew up with extreme physical abuse; the 3 younger ones did not. I did not. In our sage years, the three older ones are becoming increasingly difficult to get along with. The content in this video has helped me understand the personality issues the older siblings may have due to trauma, and I have increased my empathy towards them. I’m grateful this video emerged as a recommendation.
I'm the eldest I'm the one who grew up with the physical abuse ( sometimes it led to broken bones even ), and life is so hard there isn't any moment in the day where i dont wish my life would end , I'm happy to hear that u r having more empathy for ur siblings, mine have none For me and I wish they did they're the only ppl I'm staying alive for
I’m sorry that you had this extreme hardship and I pray that you stay strong every day because the world needs you here and now for you are an extraordinary human being 🙏
@@Junebug2908i’m the same as you the only reason i’m alive is my siblings yet none of them take me seriously and just tell me to endure it cause they’re “my parents in the end” my mom is a manipulative person that’s why they always forgive her
@Riri333_ ngl sometimes I wish I can go to some random place where no one knows me and I don't know no one and just start over but I know I will wonder how are? my siblings who is looking out for them? are my parents abusing them now that I'm not there ? So I just suck it up and stay around and take it
It helps me to look back at times I did the right thing, especially if they were trying to stop it. Example: I tried out for choir, despite being told that I am tone-deaf. And was accepted! I told them the teacher didn't think so, and shrugged it off. The other parents did indeed notice who never showed for events, but they just took turns getting me dinner after with the group and getting me home, bless them all!
Oh god, mine were assholes about my singing too, even though others often say it's quite nice. God forbid we be able to express ourselves. I'm glad we were both able to push back on it back then, and recover now.
Sideways grief. Wow. Yes. Seeing female friends or other family members engaging with their Dads in a fun and lovely way just kills me, and then I feel guilty. My Dad took his life when I was 4, but I absolutely adored him in the short time I had with him. NEVER being able to know what it feels like to grow up being "Daddy's Girl" just wrecks me. Especially since my step-dad was Abusive.
I am really sorry to hear that. Coming from an abusive/alcohol abusing dad, I can relate somewhat. I know it isn't the same, but, there is a feeling of grief and loss I went through. 29 years of no contact, I can feel thankful of positive things about him. Anyway, I lost my father who was cool when I was a little kid, and this weird monster took his place in 3rd grade 🤔In my religion's view, the Creator is Our Father. So His family is my family. Not all peaches and roses all the time, of course, still a lot to unpack.
am a dad of 3 amazing perfect kids a 2yr old boy. 4yr old girl an a 7 year old boy love them more than anything in world my ex partner was under social services had chance after chance for 3 years to get off drugs promising me it be couple months accussed me of abuse controlling her but reality was she was cheating lien running away robbing me taking kids money an rent ect,,,,got injunction on me said social done it and social made statements an if she didnt sign she lose kids an if she sign there no chance i get kids back an she have them they help her house her omg first she went cousins an her cousins fella lived there an was on licence for manslaughter only just got out jail RED flags then found her a flat full of drug addicts no locks on windows kids bedrooms 4 floors up illegle cladding lifts always broke police there everyday blood in liftsan stairway on walls drug addicts an regested peodofile live 2nd floor facing kiddies park child died falling out window little boy.after that got her house an 4 doors down street facing street another convicted child abuser,
I'm so sorry for your loss 😢 My Dad died when I was 7 years old and was everything to me.. it's so difficult and no one can truly understand unless they've gone through this loss. God bless you 🙏 ❤️
My mother ditched me at 2..I had the same feelings when my friends were shopping with Mom...at the salon with Mom...girls trip with Mom...I felt the same way!!
Aw honey! 😢💔 Im so so sorry for your loss. My god I can't even imagine that heartache you feel without having your dad and being "A Daddy's Girl". My dad left years ago and chose drugs and we've been in no contact since. Im 24 now. I did have the daddy's girl just like you but I was 4 years old like you. It was so shortlived and it feels so far away and it makes me cry thinking about any nostalgia. Probably like you, I thought I would have that "Daddy's Girl" relationship with my dad forever. Please keep on going. We are all here with you 🫂❤
I have that rushing trauma. It's the little things. Running to the bathroom, jumping on my chair, hitting kitchen closets hard, trying to multitask and always rushing to next project, even it's not something important. Top of that, when plans get canceled and i dont have backup plan, i get really overwhelmed and stressed out, since there is not next mission to focus.
My sponsor in AA told me that her psychiatrist told her that she’s always late to all appointments in life because of her trauma, and I think this is what he was referring to. She doesn’t allow herself to have downtime because then the trauma sets in. Today I was go go go! But had to stop to meet my therapist on zoom. I was great all day! Until I stopped. I broke down crying for half the session.
I loved when you said “people can make their own choices about vibing with each other or liking each other”. I struggle with taking responsibility for how others feel and the hyper vigilance gives me so much anxiety. It’s empowering to realize that it’s NOT my responsibility to feel or make decisions for other people.
@@leahflower9924I've been thinking about the same thing. I (finally) became extra aware of how people use their words when they speak to me. When someone asks me for help or needs me to do something for them, I noticed quite a few people used language that, I feel is manipulative. They often throw a compliment (or is it?)in the mix like, "You were the first person I thought of, your so good at it." But, I am still healing from an event that occurred 3 years ago so, I'm not sure if I'm hyper sensitive and reading too much into these things. It feels like subtle manipulation to me, though. And when they say things like, "I chose you because you're so good at it." Feels like they are projecting that identity on to me.
I got diagnosed with ADHD at 29 years old last year - the parallels between trauma and ADHD are pretty crazy which makes it hard to really identify what the actual cause of your behavior and different coping mechanisms are. Having experienced a lot of trauma in my childhood and teens, my new therapists thinks it’s more likely to be a complex ptsd than adhd. Just a little tip for adhd folks reading this comment, that your adhd could also be a variety of trauma responses.
I have seen kids diagnosed with adhd, where you can clearly see, that the parent/parents are really challenging, but yone is not allowed to say anything. There are people who like to have diagnosis so that they are not blamed for doing wrong. They simply declare the child as some sort of evil.
ASD as well. It’s hard to pull apart my reacts to things - are they what I can’t tolerate or can’t I tolerate them due to external incidents ? AkA who am I under the mask?
My parents were good people who gave me everything materially, but they both came from emotionally damaged families and I am having difficulty letting go of a lot of resentment from never having felt supported emotionally. Meditation has worked wonders in my life overall, but this is one area in which I continue to struggle. This video is just a laundry list of my personality traits. Thank you.
I highly recommend the book titled, "adult children of emotionally immature parents" I read stupid fast and it took me a year to read it bc of how direct and thoroughly accurate it is.
thank you for wording it so accurately. it's hard when you understand your parents were victims of such conditions as well, but you're now stuck with your own resentment and issues, and it's hard to overcome them, even for the sake of healing, let alone for forgiveness.
@adamfazari1381 Exactly, they gave me absolutely everything they could when it comes to material possessions and they still do. But man the emotional support they gave me is in the negatives
Something that helps me work towards letting go is the idea of letting just a tiny percent of fraction go. I used to hold a lot of rage towards my parents. It's still there, but it's down about 60%. That took a decade to work through. Like you, they provided materially and tried to support me emotionally, but they didn't have the right tools.
I just discovered your channel. My maiden name is Teahan. My father was what I call a raging alcoholic. He died when I was 16. My mother got leukemia when I was 15. She wasn’t diagnosed right away & they called it a rare blood disorder. Then she got MS and died when I was 25. My life was a mess for many years. There was physical abuse, always afraid & a sense of no hope when I was a child. We moved a lot and went to quite a few different schools. I had to leave friends & in the days with no computers, texting wasn’t around yet & all calls were long distance which cost money so that was not an option. Now I meditate daily & feel pretty strong. I’m just always looking for ways to get over the toxic way I grew up. I have two sisters & they have suffered terribly in their own ways. I didn’t have children as I did not want to continue the saga & as it goes back in my family history, alcoholism & violence. I sometimes feel cheated but another feeling is that due to what I experienced I understand many people who have suffered & think I’m compassionate & a good listener. I will check out more of your videos. If you know of some things I can do that might help me continue to not get depressed & I have suffered with anxiety. Less now but still do @ times. I have tears rolling down @ the moment. Thank you.
I have never heard anybody name emotional delay before! That is a perfect way to describe what happens to me. I get so upset that I didn't have the reaction I wanted to at the time.
@@lynn5536 yeah same… i think it comes from being so threatened out of expressing ourselves that we were trained to hold in any emotional reaction by default.
The "being tired is a trigger" was something of a concept that was new to me. The childhood trauma I suffered was for an extended period of time at night when I was sleeping. It got to the point that I would sneak into my mother's room at night and sleep under her bed because I knew the victimizer could not reach me. I was safe. However, as a teenager and to this day I have problems with insomnia. It is like my brain is hard wired to associate sleep with not being safe, which is the reality considering sleeping is one of the most vulnerable conditions of the human experience. I guess I wanted to comment because I just never made that connection specifically between insomnia and childhood trauma. Thanks.
I'm a light sleeper, always hyper alert because I'm still living with the abuser. But every few days I collapse from absolute exhaustion and sleep like a rock, because my body just can't take the constant state of hyper alertness and dread. Those days I fear going to sleep and waking up to something dreadful. My health is in shambles.
I am sorry. That is tragic and no body should live with that kind of fear. There are endless reason why people that are victimized don't send their victimizers to prison. So that said, I hope you have some direct or indirect support. If not hopefully you can develop some. @@yikes7607
It was a eureka moment realising that the “empty blackness” 8 year old me experienced was depression and connecting it to living in an isolated place with a mother who spent most of the time sleeping and fearing a tyrant father’s return from work. It took 60 years
im sorry it took so long for you to find some peace about it, as a 23 year old who went through a very similar thing. I hope you are doing better and that your life has been full of joy
@@henyo5409 Thank you. Cannot complain about my life after I was free to make my own choices, I wish it had been so when I was your age. My goal has been not to repeat the ways of my parents. Stay strong and confident and have a great life and don’t go too much into your past 💜
I’m so so incredibly sorry that you were depressed at 8 years old. I can relate. Mine started at 9. I’m 52 now and it is completely debilitating. I wish I had your strength. God bless
@@KittyKittyBangBang249 Thank you. It’s probably determination more than strength. Once I had sorted out the why’s in my mind, I decided to leave the past, where it belongs, in the past. You can too. You are stronger than you think 💞
I have to remind myself constantly to not do anything in haste. To stop and think about it, speaking, acting, shopping and every decision. I've been getting so much better with this that it's almost natural now. Enabling me to now set boundaries, imagine how a hasty decision can make me regretful, resentful and obligated too people or things i really don't need.
I’m happy people are sharing their stories here. I’m 19 and trying to get my life together after a rough start in life. I’m processing a lot right now but being able to hear from people In their 30’s 40’s 50’s 60’s and so on makes me feel less scared. I still have time.
You've definitely got this! I never thought I'd be where I am today when I was 19, but we are stronger than they ever gave us credit for. Keep growing and healing ❤
The facts that you are starting to deal with this at 19 is such a blessing for you and may help to prevent issues at work, in relationships and as a parent. I thought my childhood didn't effect me until I was 30 because my triggers made me great at my job (managing people's moods, hypervigilant, perfectionism, etc) so they made me successful. But they also gave me unbearable anxiety, made me depressed and chipped away at my relationships. Identifying my triggers and the cause of them has helped me to change my life. I am happy, stress free and have healthier relationships. I know that I am also blessed to have discovered this before having kids because I refuse to pass this trauma on.
My issues have nothing to do with sexuality but there were interviews from LA Pride with dudes reinventing themselves sin their mid late 40s that were ecstatic about life. I'm 33 so even though sexuality isn't the thing I'm dealing with it was still reassuring to be like "oh so I have like lots of time to do stuff"
Same thing! I'm 19 and I struggle with 10 out of the 11 issues presented in the video on a regular basis, and am finally trying to get something done about it! Only yesterday have I seen a therapist for the first time, and I hope it's a start of something great and a better me. I wish you a successful journey in healing and a great life!
I'm an awe to see someone so young taking the reigns like this! You're inspiring me. I'm looking at this content because I recently became a mom at age 28 and want to unravel myself and my triggers and work on myself for the betterment of my twins.
That refrigerator buzz depression is exactly how I could describe what I feel. I don't have the manic episodes and I don't have the kind where I can't get out of bed. Its just an almost constant minor sadness.
I have that now. It was manic years ago, and medication helped, but now I'm just sad all the time and can't motivate myself to speak to my doctor because meds are expensive.
I have dysthymia aka persistent depressive disorder which is what this was like. After talking to my psychiatrist he prescribed me wellbutrin on top of lexapro which helped me tremendously. It brought a zest in life that I never experienced before. I actually started crying because I realized this was what people felt normally. And Im so glad ive come to a point in my life where I can say Im the happiest ive ever been.
I thought this minor sad buzz was a part of my personality. I even used this feeling to create art. It lasted about 30 (!) years. It disappeared during behavioral therapy! I could not believe it. My family told me that I was cooler with my sadness and dark art though. Well, this is what I have for them : 🖕
It wasn’t until my mid to late 20s that I realized I’d been depressed since I was about 11 years old. It’s heartbreaking to come to terms with. I always thought I was happy and easy going. But I realized I was in denial and a people pleaser. Still working on fixing those things… it’s a lot of work. I am so glad I never had kids before figuring out my own trauma. At this point I’m in my early/mid 30s and I may never have kids but I’m glad I didn’t subject children to the aftermath of my own trauma before addressing it.
I hear you. There's so much that's been passed down in my family that does not need to continue. Surely if someone really wants to be a parent, & they do the work of processing & healing their own issues first, I think they can stop the cycle. But there's absolutely nothing wrong w/choosing not to have children either. For some ppl (myself included) it can be the responsible & loving choice.
i remember being a kid and having to meet with a person who wasnt a teacher and i remember them asking me to draw a picture of my home life.i drew a picture of all the little happy aspects i could scrape together and not the verbally/mentally abusive hell i was living in. even at 6 or 7 i knew if i told the truth nothing would happen for my benefit and my parents would find out i told someone what they were doing and my hell would be 100x worse.it didnt dawn on me till i was an adult that i must have been so broken teachers noticed it and asked a therapist to talk to me
My middle school social studies teacher was doing a unit on the American Revolutionary War and the bellringer question that day was "Talk about a time you were treated unfairly or riducle for having a difference of opinion." My answer was something like "My Mom beat me last week and all of my siblings made fun of me for being beaten and for saying it wasn't fair. I don't think it was fair for them to make fun of me" I got sent to the counselors a few days later for that answer. When asked about my home life, I lied about it being better than it was. My mom had told me that if I told people what my home life was like I would be taken away by CPS and I'd get abused even worse. I guess I lied convincingly enough because the counselor sent me back to class. I broke down crying in the hallway on my way there and walked into English class with my face was still tear-stained. At the time I genuinely didn't know why I was crying. In hindesight, I think it was because that was the closest I had ever come to someone validating my emotions. It was the first time anyone came close to saying I didn't deserve the treatment I was receiving.
"Hurry up and reach the elder years super fast."... Literally the mental state I was subconsciously in since middle school. I am now 25 and only just coming out of the fog of it all... Thank you so much for your videos, Patrick, you're really doing God's work over here.
Yup, me too! Middle school to 25 or so I just wanted to get my life done with. Now, at 36, I still can't stay put for many minutes before becoming frustrated with the feeling of being stuck, but at least I'm trying to enjoy the life I'm living at the moment and making long term plans for the future. Hope things settle down for you, mentally!
@@KingOfShadeEmpire get my life done with - exactly! thank you for your kind words, I'm still not in a place I wanted to be at this age, lifewise, but with the help of videos like this I'm slowly untangling what the heck has actually happened to me and getting to the truth about my own life has recently become like a new hobby for me 😉🤣
@@sarag1158 being a kid wasn't really an option - my entire life I had to listen to comments about how "mature" I look and how "wise" I am for my age, and they always said it as if that was a GOOD thing and smth to be proud of, when in reality I was so heavily parentified by my mother I had no idea how a child or a teenager or a "young person" in general should even behave, because phsychologically I never got to be at those stages of life...
I’m so glad there is a place for us to hear and understand these issues!!! Thank you. I’m a 70 year old woman who has been thrown under the buss for childhood trauma, ADHD, depression and suicide in my family. No one has EVER understood me. I’ve lost family members because of this issue, I’ve been divorced, I’ve lost friendships and I’ve wanted to die myself….thank God I’ve lived long enough to know that I’m NOT crazy, there are reasons for why I’m who I am, there are people like me and there is hope and help🙏
You are the light in the darkness, when someone else is groping, so thank you and may the rest of your life be "Smooth sailing" just to justify your every breath from here on our.
Diane-I am 66. I am so grateful for finding this channel. There are so many things this therapist explains that make me understand once again how horrific my childhood was. It’s also comforting (and yet sad) to see the posts of so many viewers who have also experienced a lot of abuse and neglect, especially in childhood. It makes me feel less alone, and less different. ❤️
This was immensely helpful. Here are my notes: #1 Emotional Delay (something happens during the day that should make you feel sad/angry/etc, but you don't feel it until that night) #2 Rushing nowhere #3 Refrigerator Buzz Depression (Constant underlying depression) #4 Being Tired Is a Trigger (depression when getting tired, confuse being tired with failing, going to bed feels like you are alone or abandoned, being tired triggers us to feel sad so we try to keep going, FOMO) #5 Chameleon Don't Mix (Able to adapt to others all the time, but missing our own identity; hiding coworkers that we don't like from our friends; surviving trauma can be about keeping things separate) start to introduce others to each other, talk to yourself about what can happen if people meet each other #6 On the Spot Dissociation (Checking out when attention is put on us, Irvin Yalom, not being given any space, parents themselves are not comfortable being seen) find safe people to talk about your emotions, record yourself, dialogue with inner child about what happens to you when you need to be seen, be seen more and longer #7 Laughing about the pain (Too casual, joking about bad situations that have happened to you, inner child doesn't know how to take things seriously since your parents didn't take it seriously) be mindful of this tendency, start talking about what happened to you a bit more seriously, learn how to feel the anger and grief 7 types of toxic family systems #8 Crying valve (Either can't cry or can't stop crying, shut down and can't access grief vs volcanic explosion overwhelming you with grief, 2 survival strategies: shut down or cry for help) EMDR, DBT for emotional regulation, finding support where you can talk about the numbness while staying present, dialogue with the inner child - what happens when you start to cry, etc? #9 Glass Frog (Feeling completely transparent when you are socially around others, feeling raw and exposed, comes from children think adults are almost omnipotent, highly hype critical parents, feeling like you're already in trouble with the world) picture a bubble around you about your own autonomy and anonymity, work with a therapist on naming the shame that comes up with this #10 Sideways grief or rage (Don't realize how low or threshold is until a small thing happens and you lose it, reserve well of pain and grief comes out sideways when we are triggered, your body remembers) find safe people to process what happened with, make notes on your phone about when things come out sideways and why, dialogue and journal to be in touch with what is going on in the present before things blow out sideways #11 Waiting games (Mood dependent behavior, I will do X when Y happens, a strategy to avoid pain, sign of being in our inner child who is waiting for things to get better while not taking any action, in the overlap with ADHD, comes from not being parented, experiencing emotional abuse in childhood, emotionally shamed for not meeting up to expectations) be more and more aware of how your inner child believes that taking action can only happen in the perfect moment or after certain things happen, explore how you were parented (ie. Bedtimes, getting things done, etc)
Patrick, I've been watching your videos and you have motivated me to get therapy and work on my issues. Today I booked an appointment for next week. Thanks!
So many of these feel familiar to me. I started therapy a few months ago and my therapist still needs to ask me why I'm laughing about something she finds quite disturbing. No one took my emotions seriously. I feel like I was just there to soothe other people - adults and children. If I was sad or wanted to set a boundary, I was a selfish girl. It's quite hard to face all of these repressed emotions now. Thank you so much for these videos! They're really helpful.
I watched a documentary about Dave Navarro called Mourning Son. His mother was murdered by her boyfriend. One of his ways of coping with things is by having a very dark sense of humor. He said sometimes people think he's a bad person because of the jokes he makes. He tried to explain that it isn't that he thinks the things he's joking about are funny, he looks for humor in a situation. I have a very dry sense of humor. One guy actually told me I needed to let people know I was making a joke. I said, "where's the fun in that?"
That makes sense. So good for you to be healing and growing. Good job. Your emotions matter. Don’t be afraid of them. We all have them and they are so useful in life. I hope you learn how to use them better and access your unique strength and vulnerability. ❤️
Like laughing or smiling is the only way to exist. I smile but not because I'm actually happy. I just have the energy to hide. Everyone talks about how I'm always happy and smiling. And the moment it drops its like I'm the worst person or my dog must have been hit by a car because how dare I not smile. This has followed me into jobs. People don't realize that part of being at work especially retail or food service is faking a smile. And you can make a smile look real with enough practice. It hurts knowing that I don't know how to exist as I am. I wouldn't even know where to start.
For many years I laughed about the horrors that was my young life. My therapists would ask me why am I laughing about such horrible things. And I'd laugh some more. 😂 Recently, for the first time with a new therapist I cried when I was telling her about just one of the horrible things that I survived. I wonder if I'll cry again.
@@Lady_Mstikal because to you its normal. Only after someone tells you it isn't okay that you can recognise it. Even if it hurt you it was still your normal.
Patrick, no one "gets it" like you. I have tried to look into so many resources related to childhood trauma and you are the only one that really makes me feel validated and understood. I would love to see more content around childhood emotional neglect and abandonment issues specifically.
Agreed. Personally I'd like to see a video in regards to single parent neglect specifically, because it's so emotionally complicated. My mom did her best with a shitty situation but that doesn't mean I didn't wind up neglected in my formative years
@@henyo5409 you are being truly seen and witnessed. Your suffering seen and witnessed. Sometimes it is too much. At a certain time, it is too much. I hear your healing as you I read your message. I hear you getting in touch with your wisdom to know you need just sit with what you’ve heard and take in no more for now. You remind me of one of my brothers. Unfortunately they don’t go this road. Sadly there’s plenty of assholes out here- females included. I don’t know what people call female assholes….There are those in professional positions etc. Part of my healing is being seeing them with less fear, getting closer to trusting myself, not taking them on like I used to- a justice fighting scapegoat. I’m dealing with people to do with my daughter who needs extra help. So of course I’ll advocate for her.. the world continues, more knowledge, training and accountability is far from foolproof. our best hope is a kind of internal strengthening. Patrick sees, knows and shares in ways that helps so many. For anyone who celebrates Easter. Happy Easter. As a kid and teen I hung onto it privately as a thing of hope and internal resistance to my destruction. Of course that put way too much pressure on me, the introspection of over responsibility
I grew up in kind of an "anti-love" environment, where interactions were a lot like sitcom interactions. This affected all of us kids, I think. I did not know the sarcasm wasn't normal until I married my very loving husband. Hopefully, we have broken this cycle with our kids, who know how to be loving in a non-cynical way.
@@Alien_at_Large yes indeed! same thing here. but growing up just hearing sarcasm most of the time was truly soo confusing and mind-fucking sometimes lmao 😫
Same here. I am funny as hell and have a sharp tongue from growing up in our house….but I have always been sensitive, and for years I REFUSED to be vulnerable around my family because they just didn’t have the same boundaries as me. In turn, they felt like I was fake. That really hurt. They made fun of me for everything, which was confusing for me, because we were told not to tease each other. Also, I am ND(we didn’t know then) I am in my 40s and finally realizing that it wasn’t just annoying, it gave me a major complex. The older I get, the more things I have to forgive and let go…but what when you let it all go, you are still left with something that you still have to deal with. 🤷🏾♀️
I was raised by a bi-polar suicidal mother. Would glare & not talk to me for days. Was isolated also from friends & school being in hospital frequently for asthma. The environment my total world. I am 74 & have had therapy & EMDR but these issues are very much still a part of my life. Some family members express it was a long time ago & you were loved! My mother did commit suicide when I was an adult. Frustrated I can’t just feel it was a long time ago… & I’ve been in therapy most of my adult life. Thankful for this video! Lots to process & hope I can heal my inner child…
My wife and I are both childhood abuse victims. We have been able to look out for one another since practically day one. We instinctively understood one another and she is the best thing that ever happened to me besides our daughters. I'm proud to say we have broken the cupycles in our own families but the war is never over. Every day is a battle but we support one another. We get tired and upset and angry, but we do not say hateful things ever), and physical abuse will never be tolerated by either of us. We are co dependent for sure but we try not to get brought down.
Ditto for my husband and myself. But I still have buried doubts that we parented our daughter as well as we think we did? I don’t think that she would ever feel free to tell us if we didn’t, so I am riddled with insecurity on that point. Have you ever felt that way?
That's awesome and all what if you really like slapping the fuck out of girls in bed and you date women who like that too? I still don't honestly know if this is good or bad.
It sounds more interdependent than codependent to me, what do you think? Do you let one another have your own feelings and independent thoughts without making it about you? I love to hear about couples who love and support one another like you two do!
would love to see a video about the other side of "rushing nowhere", too much chill. that's exactly where i am, a lot of anxiety and feeling like i'm in a hurry and i'm gonna fail, but to some degree 'unable' to do anything. i'd love to hear about this and where it comes from
I spent 40 years of my life confused and thinking I was the crazy person of my family. After my mom passed away, I learned she was a narcissist . I am slowly starting to unwind the complicated web of deceit and abuse. All of this video resonates. It took my mom passing away for a lot of these childhood trauma issues to finally make sense.
Jennette mccurdys book Im glad my mom died is amazing in going into detail about things like this. I hope you can find some peace with what happened to you 🤍
I asked my mom when I was about 5 yrs. Old..Why do you hate me mommy? She beat my as in the hallway and said get in your room and stay in your room. I left at 20 yrs old. I Let my brother the golden child take care of that tormentor in her old age. 😊.
Laurie, my heart goes out to you. My father hated me, my mother was too busy saving herself...I too, let my golden child sister take care of them when they both got dementia.
This is the first time I find someone talking about fear around going to bed/sleep. I have a severe case of that. Sometimes to the point of meltdowns. Also confusing being tired with being depressed or something being wrong with me. I am autistic with high masking levels and I’m usually beyond overstimulated by the end of the day, so it all adds up. Thank you for this.
I feel this way when someone else wants to sleep as well. I can usually go to sleep at night, but I beat myself up if I don't wake up early and I definitely do not like being tired during the day when I'm supposed to be productive. If my husband wants to sleep early or during the day even though he works a lot something about it makes me very uneasy. I remember also feeling this way as a child when adults would be tired.
I related to that too.. fo what I can remember, I mostly slept in front of the tv because I was afraid of being alone. Actually, I'm still somewhat afraid, at 33. It's pretty hard to spend the day without some youtube, podcast, or music when I don't have people interacting with me. At the same time, I'm all of the time somewhat overwhelmed. But I think I'm pretty good at masking too. Not autism though, but ADHD, probably. It's a struggle and also hard to (self) validate. If it makes sense...
Definitely feel the uneasiness when others are trying to sleep too. The quiet place when others are asleep and I can’t fall asleep is a frequent upsetting situation for me. I am really curious about what that is about. I am told I have had bed time meltdowns since I was a kid too.
I felt that too! Omg I sleep in like 3-4 hour cat naps. Never REALLY sleeping deep.. unless I have been up for days with only on set of naps withing 2 days.. by day 6 I'm absolute mess. I can barely function, but I cannot sleep. I don't want to. That's when it was dangerous at my house. This was so on point
Yes! I don't fall asleep I pass out from exhaustion. I talked to my doctor about my highly functioning anxiety and she gave me Clonazepam, my brain slowed down and I fall asleep now and I've been sleeping better.its been a few weeks but I feel so much better. I've had issues with depression meds making me gain weight or bad side effects but this one is finally working for me and I don't feel like I can't sleep because I'm thinking about everything I didn't do.
I had the biggest emotional breakdown and rage episode I’ve had in my life yesterday. I didn’t realize how traumatized I really am. I can relate to so much of this.
I understand that completely. Then the disbelief of how the hell someone didnt stop all that trauma and protect. It's blown me away too when it all came out of the place I hid it!😮
😂 I suffer from cptsd. About a month ago that happened to me too! No longer the "nice" girl, I finally cracked. I yelled and I screamed and called the person who was attempting to bully me an "F... ing ****" Then I went even more psycho and what I was saying didn't even make sense! 😮 In fact, by this time I was actually out of my body and watching it all from the ceiling. 🙃 I expected harsh repercussions, but guess what? All I got was RESPECT. Honestly, the world is so depraved, that no-one cares if you're suffering. I still feel weird (and embarrassed) about it - but thank God it happened. So far only good has come out of this "little" incident. Sending hugs! 💚❤️💙
@@needmolewisI literally told my mom when I was 17 that I took 7 pills, it was my call for help & I sent her a long essay email when I was 14 saying how depressed I was!!!!!! SHE NEVER GOT ME HELP & now here I am at 22 years old probably going to just end this life & it sucks because she’s so different now. She’s never been this attentive when I needed her the most & acts like she never traumatized me
I cried at a stranger’s wedding for absolutely no reason. I was just a +1 for my friend and didn’t know any of the people there. Talk about sideways responses. And I never cry where people can see me. The event totally confused me to the point where I’m afraid to go to another wedding lol. I think it was knowing I lack that sort of family warmth and pride and sociability. I was looking at something I thought would never happen for me.
Same here. Except instead of crying, I find myself snickering and cringing at family warmth and love. For example, when the bride dances with her father or a sibling gets up to give a speech. I'm so jaded.
I relate to this experience. I was a +1 at a wedding and I started crying uncontrollably and had to run to the toilets and lock myself in a cubicle until I could calm down. I was hit by the loving family and community at the event and a sense of complete grief and absence of that in my own life experiences and how desperately I longed for that - after years of automatic self-reliance, independence and self-inflicted isolation.
1:18 It always always happens to me. I do not know whether I'm being taken advantage of or disrespected or degraded. At the end of the day I go to my room and ruminate and ruminate to come up with a solution.
The anti love family is what i grew up in and I always thought I was just an over emotional crybaby. It is both heartbreaking and comforting to know that it was not normal. If you ever do or have done a full video on that specific family dynamic that would be amazing. I think it would help my brother a lot as well. I hope everyone reading this finds healing
Not much here either. My mother and her mother hate each other, like just plain hate each other. I would think that by now(45), I would have heard about any "event" that occurred, but it really just seems like they are two of those people that cannot ever get along even though I've seen both trying. It's almost like magnets, and neither is like this to other people. Thankfully my mother and I get along wonderfully, and so do my grandmother and I, and neither has ever tried to use me against the other or speaks particularly ill of the other. All of this made it difficult for my mother to understand love, and in turn show love. We've come a long way in our communication, which is great because the love is there, just not communicated well until more recently. Communication is vitally important and is opening opportunities in my life that I couldn't see were even there. 🕊️❤🍀🧠🎶💪
My father never ever hugged me as a child but loved me more than anything. The best I’d get is sometimes he’d rub my head like I’m a dog and that meant everything to me. My mother wasn’t much more touchy feely either. I think us siblings introduced hugging post our 20’s.
Yes. I was 40 when I started realizing just how toxic my nuclear family is. Even now, when we are together, I disassociate. It's a sad affair. But at least now, I am aware of it. ❤❤
"you can't really downward dog your way through depression" might be one of the funniest and most helpful expressions I've heard. Thanks for making me laugh with myself, and thanks for this video. I find it really interesting and helpful 👍🙏
I was actively fighting my way out of all these patterns in my 20s then I got into an abusive relationship that destroyed all my work. Now I'm in my 30s trying to undo all the damage.
Big applause for the work you did and are doing again. Do not short-change giving yourself credit for that. It can be hard to get to the place of doing that work again. That usually means ending the relationship, but if not, being super determined to forge your own way. I did the same thing, except for a couple decades further on. I was so screwed up in my late teens & 20s, and it took years of self-work that especially became productive when I was about 30 yo. When I finally started feeling like I was doing pretty well, I thought I was finally strong & "ready" to be in a relationship. At 34, got involved with someone younger who ultimately was revealed to be abusive. I realized all my self-work was in moving out of my stuck/frozen, procrastinating patterns and moving toward my own desires. I had not realized that I needed to learn a lot about what kind of criteria/standards I needed and deserved for choosing a potential partner. I only hoped I might be acceptable to someone that seemed like a good match, chemistry-wise, to me. The abuse slowly pulverized my sense of self and control of my life. Everything undone.
Wow, I'm 73 years old & this is the first time I have ever heard every aspect of my life reactions described one after the other. It's a little late for me to get help to overcome these things, but it was so comforting to know there is a reason for my ways of behaving. Thank you!
For years, whenever I heard people laughing I always thought it was about me. These videos really help, thank you for helping me see what is really happening when I react to life in these weird ways.
I'm So glad I heard this is one of his past videos - when I did, I was blown away and wondered how much of my "weird quirks" were actually a result of my family trauma in childhood. I even played that section of the video for my partner, bc it was so meaningful for me, and before hearing it I would've been too embarrassed to admit to it bc it sounds So paranoid!
I'd love to hear your thoughts on the opposite of #4: Where all you want to do is sleep and daydream all day (probably because dreaming is the perfect escape from reality).
I’m so glad you brought up neurodivergence and how certain things might manifest differently and the overlapping of things like hyperactivity and hyper vigilance bc trauma is so common for neurodivergent folk too
Absolutely...I was referred to a therapis. I was having a bad day. Lots of anxiety over see seeing yet another therapist. I told her that I was unable to journal and use a workbook because I couldn't concentrate. She said that she used a workbook in her therapy. I told her that , raising my voice, as I do when I feel I'm not being heard, any way, I told her that I had a therapist that. used a workbook and I was unable to work my way through it. Her response "well then I won't be able to help you." Good therapists are few and far between as well as very expensive.
@@northernpianotuner3319speak, speak into a microphone and play it back to decide how best you want to write it. I'm saying this as I have recordings that I have NEVER listened to again 😂😢
Absolutely hate journaling. Even as a kid using my diary. I've figured out that being given a diary from my parents as a gift was just a trap for them to find out what you are thinking and feeling and then using it against me. Yet somewhere random like here, I'll write a novel! Ugh
i’m being called out right now and i didn’t even realize i had these responses because i have repressed my trauma so far because i felt like it wasn’t “big” enough but it is especially when i have talked to others about it seriously
It's the first time in my life I feel like I am not insane for functioning the ways you described. I feel like I lived alone in a secret world I couldn't tell anyone and you just showed me there's a whole city living here too. Thank you so much
you are never alone. i mean this in the most reassuring way possible, there are very few original or isolated human experiences. mental illness and trauma would want you to believe that you are the only one who has ever felt the ways you feel because it allows it to fester. I wish you luck in finding the answers you need ❤❤
I’ve often joked about the abuse in our family, and have quoted my mother, thinking what she said was normal. I wasn’t prepared for people to look appalled at the insane stoicism expected of us. It helped me realize that the woman who “othered” me all my life, and made me the family home, was not quite normal, herself.
When award or contest winners on TV thanked their mothers, I thought they were joking. I began to get irritated that they all repeated the same damn joke. Oops. Turns out my mother was unusually vicious. I "lived in emergency" all the time. Useful term for always living in hypervigilence & preparedness.
@@susanhawkes2519 Sometimes, I wonder if we’re nearing a time in history when hyper-vigilance will be a superpower. We’ve maintained situational awareness from before we could talk, and we have skills. Have you ever noticed that you get a bad feeling off people everyone else liked? I’ve quit letting them talk me out of it, because I’ve been right too many times.
@@bethmoore7722 I'm right with you here and in your original comment . We can heal but I suppose we are all "wired" a bit differently.. some more wired , pun intended:/ At the very core at least ,our innate "fight or flight" instinct is intact with a very ON nervous system. (And I always had an apprehension about anyone that to have what I call 'fan friends' ,like they rave about how great this person is and are almost offended at any neg word about them even when they aren't close to the person. ¿ I just let them and others fall away ,not feeding into it .
Communications with my Mom often is like reliving childhood trauma again and again. Also, interactions with siblings. We just don't relate on an emotional level and struggle with intimacy. For many, their physical needs were pretty good and not emotional needs (Neglected). And you can attempt to discuss it but for the most part they're oblivious to these underlying issues. Very frustrating! (Painful) The inability to truly listen and demonstrate empathy is like going to a well again and again then there essentially being nothing.
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Chapters:
0:00 Intro
0:52 1. Emotional Delay
5:00 2. Rushing No where
8:46 3. Refrigerator Buzz Depression
11:40 4. Being Tired Is a Trigger
13:44 5. Chameleon But Don't Mix
16:05 6. On the Spot Dissociation
20:20 7. Laughing About the Pain
23:12 8. Crying Valve
26:19 9. Glass Frog
30:01 10. Sideways Grief or Pain
33:35 11. Waiting Games
36:54 Final Thoughts
38:26 Outro
Thank you, Patrick. I spent a good half of my life getting help, working on myself. Realising just how damaging a violent volatile controlling father had on me… only realising the last couple of years at 64 the symptoms I was having as a child…. rocking in bed self harm which no one ever knew about… and then the adult behaviour only ever wanting someone in my life that could be totally calm and loving towards me and of course it was never realistic. I had to learn to accept that we all have bad days but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are some psychotic person. They’re just having a bad day….. And I never even realised that I was suffering with complex PTSD ADHD the works…. I’m not one to live under the badge of those things but knowing what has affected me all my life in varying degrees helps me steer to better places and better understanding of my behaviour and the people around me….. 35 years ago I started extreme sport and constantly on the go never having a break and to the loudest of music and the fastest I could drive in a car to get A2B but I realise the avoidance in all of that and it was only until I got super unwell with a physical illness that I had to start learning to be able to be alone with me and myself, so the last nine years has had a much sharper developmental curve in the path of dealing with some of this…. So the upshot is it’s a never-ending journey, but I can actually enjoy being on my own and it being quiet….. thank you for your video because I understood so much of it. It was like one huge puzzle being pulled together…. And for that, I am grateful….
Unsung hero
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I think emotional delay, at least in my situation, comes from knowing that you can't react to the abuse without it getting worse.
this+++++
I always hated how I didn't fight back, considered myself as weak because of that and held a grudge against myself for that, but my therapist told me "if you had, what would've happened? You knew and kept yourself safe from doing nothing. It was the right thing to do." Not her words, but I'm paraphrasing and sharing in case it helps. She just led me into the conversation about that and I filled in the blanks.
Amen to that
@@deadinside8781 Never think of yourself as irrational or stupid, always try to understand yourself (if you don't, who will?). In this case, that was the most rational decision, but there are cases where your decisions are emotional and its just as important to understand those emotions. Understanding = peace, never hate or regret ❤
YES
I was physically and mentally abused as a child. I’m now 60 and am just becoming the person I always was. A really nice, loving, funny, caring and articulate man. Such is life.
It's very reassuring to me that even someone as old and experienced as you can relate to the iconic "such is life."
The older we get, the better, more insightful, appreciative of ourselves, people ideally we become. There is no substitute for experience.
You are strong and inspiring💛 Thank you for sharing your story.
❤
AWWWWW I HOPE YOU R ENJOYING LIFE!!!
"we dont know how to take the truth about what happened to us seriously because no one ever did". that line hit. thanks man
I was trained in ways as a child to not ask why I didn't live with my mother and father.... My mother and father gave us to my maternal mother... No nurturing ....mother stayed in our life like nothing happened.. We were supposed to accept it and have no emotion over it .... I have not had a romantic relationship since 2000.... At 53 my life is a mess
@@loobee2486you still have most of your life ahead ❤ you cant take back the time you have lost but love yourself now because you deserve it. you were just a kid q
This makes sense
Yes exactly.
God this hit hard. I had a counseling session where they asked if I ever felt like hurting myself and I said no unless you count wanting to drive into on coming traffic everyday he did not think it was funny
I was on the way out of state to my cousin's son's funeral, who had died by suicide, as had my husband a few years earlier. I was already emotionally raw, and then my mom called while I was eating lunch in a fast-food restaurant just off the freeway. She was more interested in getting "the dirt" on how my cousin's son had completed and what led up to it than even recognizing that I was obviously upset and crying over it. When I got off the phone and started mopping up my tears, a total stranger from a few tables away came over, gave me a hug, asked if I was OK, and could she help. It hit me at that point, I get more empathy and comfort from total strangers than from my own mother!
My mother is a narcissist. When you described what your mom was saying and couldnt empathize with you, that is exactly how my mother is.
My answer to, random acts of help and kindness is, appreciate the sincerity of it, and pass it forward.
Feel the love.
I’m so sorry, that you lost your husband that way.
Some parents are not capable of many things
So sad but true
Oh the sideways grief really got me. I felt that a few weeks ago. I am a high school teacher, I noticed a student was looking nervous and kept watching them. I went to talk to them, said they could open up to me, and turns out they were being bullied by an older kid from a different class. I arranged a meeting with the bully's parents, the bullied student's parents and the principal to talk about what was going on, and it seems to have worked. The student looked happier, their parents thanked me for my help.
I got home and started sobbing, the tears just wouldn't stop. I remembered when I was bullied and nobody cared, how I told my mom and she told me to suck it up. It was so unfair.
But I'm glad I get to help my students have a better experience in school than the one I had. Even just a little bit.
God bless your soul! Thank you for noticing what was wrong with the student. ❤
Thankyou for seeing that student, and making effort to help. That pain you identified with is a part of you, & probably helped you empathize. I'm sorry you didn't get the same compassion. But maybe your efforts with your student have a side effect of helping heal you too ❤️
what a wonderful thing it must be to have a teacher like you who cares!
We were taught to stand up for ourselves and others in need of protection.
I feel this. I was repeatedly teased and assaulted in high school, in front of several witnesses and a teacher was even present but didn’t know what had happened. I still to this day don’t understand how. I feel so hurt that nowadays sexual assault is extremely highlighted and I wish it had been for me. I am a parent now and I know I can use my experience to make sure my children are better prepared to face any situation that could lead to what I suffered. I’m grateful for that opportunity even though it comes from a really dark traumatic experience for me.
'Neglected kids are addicted to coping'. This is so true. I'm really working on this side of myself. Incredible how we start to see it as a badge of honour. Look at how bad this situation is but I will never break. Instead of striving for a healthier situation.
I don't relate to that part. I struggled a lot to cope. Maybe, I think my subconscious was probably 24/7 on point coping. But I wasn't able to draw up coping mechanisms... if this makes sense.
Yes Ikr, I also used to tell myself that I can handle, and I can use this experience to help other's and kinda look at it like a badge of honor. Like I got a girl scout patch or something, Or a level up.
@Alex Castellanos yes I think I understand? Looking at it as a normal part of life for you because you just learn how to cope and adapt. When you find out this is part of your trauma you're not really sure how you feel kinda like a disassociation? Almost like when bad shit is happening to you, it's almost like you're looking from the outside? Not sure if I'm explaining it right. I draw not write. But if I'm right yes I know exactly how you feel.
This is still my husband 24/7🥺 I try getting through to him using little things that'll make his life better, but at the moment I don't want to be pushy. He's finally doing emdr, but it's taking a toll on him. So very thankful he has a great therapist now
Yeahh I experience this I'm addicted to phone one of the coping mechanism of my loneliness and do come and cope again such as journaling watching videos on yt
I imagine I’m not the only one watching this like wow, it seems my entire “personality” is just trauma response 😢😂
😭
I often see vids like this with the same resonance as a horoscope description: Some hits, others obviously don’t. This however hits too hard.
Not at all but we can only strive to heal
Sameeee
It’s kinda wild
As an adult, I once told my dad that I came close to making an attempt on my life when I was a teenager. It was an attempt to connect with him. He looked me dead in the eye and said "yeah, we've all been there, get over it".
When I tell people I laugh about it because it's so absurd, like what kind of parents does that lol. I never thought about how that response wasn't healthy.
Your content is really changing my life
same here. was told to kill myself from a parent. it’s hurts a lot ❤️🩹 god bless u.
Same same. My mum screamed at me, "If you want to kill yourself, go do it at your Dad's place!" Right before I noticed a friend had visited and was watching awkwardly from the front door. I had to mask up and quietly tell her it wasn't a good time.
Same. Dad would always say 'just promises' (like where's the follow through?) when I was a depressed teen talking about ending it.
I think what's also tragic is that your dad had feelings of wanting to die and brushed it off without realizing there is a possibility of a better life if you sit down and reflect on your life and on your loved ones. What he said to you sucks and it's likely something that was passed onto him via generational trauma of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps"
@@tiffanyh629 Yeah, my dad absolutely has his own childhood trauma from an abusive father figure which I understand.
I still refuse forgive him (or my mom or step parents) for parenting a teenager who was so close to ending his life and acting like they had no idea. I can't even imagine that. If/when I have kids of my own, I'll make sure they aren't subject to that kind of dismissal.
I remember woundering how my friends were able to trust their parents enough to tell them some of the stuff they told them. I always feel like I am a kid outside a candy shop when I see healthy relationships. Thank you for this video!
kid outside a candy shop - that's the best metaphor for it! 😂
I crave that... a healthy relationship with my parents. Unfortunately one refused to acknowledge the abuse before they passed.... the other passed before we could get help together. I have no choice but to live with the broken relationships
@@ximar0ckstrxthat's too bad. Nothing to do now but get over it and move on. I recommend you don't even talk about it anymore. Make your past your past and out of your control... because it is.
I hear you.
@@ximar0ckstrx, it really helped me to count my blessings regarding my parents (gratefulness practice).. I felt so drained by the recent abuse I had no energy left to let it all go. Positivity helped to realised they have given me something good too.
I’ll never forget my first job out of college. I was a graduation photographer, I took pictures of rising high school seniors for their graduation the following year. I remember a young man and his mom took a selfie together, and what got me is that they genuinely looked happy to be with each other. I stared at them for a few moments fighting back tears, wishing that I had that. I’m even tearing up typing this
seeing happy families, even in movies sometimes, makes me so jealous and cry out of disappointment like no other. I wish someone loved me or cared about my existence, I wish I knew what genuine family support feels like ;(
@@solala1312 As someone who also came from a highly dysfunctional family with an alcoholic father and mother diagnosed in my 20's as paranoid schizophrenic I know it is supremely hard to be around and see highly functioning families. I'm turning 60 next month and my father to this day doesn't recognise my talents, gifts and aptitudes. However I do have an amazing marriage to a beautiful man who is on this same path of healing and re-writing the story of ignorance and abuse he inherited from his own family. It took 10 long years for me to conceive my daughter (with the egg of an egg donor) who is now 12 and flourishing in the world. My message is to keep on the path of healing, little step by step and gently recognise that you have an abundance of gifts to offer yourself and the world. As you begin to recognise the debilitating patterns of behaviour and the critical, hopeless self talk, you can start to counter it with a new story, a new possibility. I believe we are here to grow, we are here to grow and transform the burdens of life into gifts that we can share - helping to lighten the load and cast off the heavy rocks we acquired so young. Wishing you an incredible journey ahead and the strength and vision to attract the love and support you dream about. xxx
Me too...ive speny 45 yeats of my life seeking that "connection" with either parent..its a cold safe place inside now, but no more pain from desiring something i can never have...😢
What gets me, is every time I watch home alone. With the scene with Kevin outside the window of a neighbours house looking in at a family all having a nice meal together looking happy and normal and he's outside when his parents have left him at home while they go on holiday (accidentally of course). My family go away together every summer while I have to house sit, water the quarter of an acre garden they have and look after their pets. And when they go away in winter for christmas they turn off the heating. But expect me to make a fire when they get home so the house is warm for them and will have a go at me if the sink has pots in it or if I'm still doing them when they get back and will passive aggressively do things that I didn't do when they were away, like bring in parcels or empty bins or if the bin smells will take it out or if I've not bought the milk in from outside. They don't care about me. Literally cinderella but they arent step relatives, my actual parents.
The garden is about 3/4 of an acre btw.
I had that problem, "can't stop crying" while in therapy and the psychiatrist told me at the end of my first visit that she couldn't help me and to find someone else. That rejection while seeking help made things so much worse. I am 60 and that was less than ten years ago. Now I just isolate.
@melanief6113 I’m sorry you experienced that. The psychiatrist was unprofessional and unethical. I hope you were given a list of referrals.
Regardless, the treatment by the psychiatrist was unconscionable.
Don’t burden yourself with their ineptitude or laziness.
I hope you try again. And there is nothing wrong with crying and letting it all go. Be patient with yourself. Xoxo, friend.
Take her advice and continue with finding a clinical psychologist. She’s correct. Psychiatrists don’t have the 5 year degree/master/PHD in the many different types of therapy. They’re trained as a doctor which encompasses so many different disciplines. See it that she wanted you to have more than she could offer you and she wasn’t fragile enough not to be able to admit that. It’s your trauma that made you feel that rejection. A Psychologist is the way to go. You deserve the best. Good luck.
I had something very similar happen and I’m 25. Something world-ending happened to me and when trying to tell my therapist about it she wanted me to cancel the rest of my appointment and go straight to the hospital. She told me she didn’t want to see me back until I was on anxiety medication. It’s been 5 months and I haven’t seen her again, I don’t think I ever will.
I tried therapy. I went once a week for 4 weeks. Every session started with her saying how are things and I sobbed the entire time, all 4 times. No progress. No change. Horribly depressing. I quit going. It was too traumatic. It took 15 years to figure out what was wrong.
Being tired is such a trigger for me. I feel like it’s depression that will never go away.
Have you looked into human design? You could be a non energy type
You’re absolutely right, I am a projector but with energy. I have learned to rest, receiving mode, and mindfulness. It always surprises me what triggers me and what doesn’t. ❤ thank you for the comment:)
@@elitecoaching4927 ive been dealing with the same issues for a long time and know what its like. Im a projector as well. Being tired is a trigger for me also.
@elitecoaching4927 please check your vitamin D levels
The not sleeping because of hyper vigilance was such a lightbulb moment. As a child I stayed up just Incase my parents fought and I had to call the cops. When I had children I was constantly worried something would happen to them. It’s unbelievable how your childhood trauma ties into your issues as an adult.
Yes, same here with my kid. I barely sleep mostly out of worry whenever shes sick. 😢
Same, I slept with my shoes on in case I needed to run to the neighbors to call the police when my stepdad started his shit. Because nobody else would :(
Yup I was molested in my sleep by my step bro and 20 years later, I still can’t sleep well. It’s really annoying 😭😭😭
Omg same. . 😢💔
😔
I remember i woke up at my ex his parents one time, and i could see out of the window that the father was playing pingpong with my boyfriend and his brother, and the mom just sitting beside it and all of them having fun together and laughing. I sat there and cried my eyes out.
well now im sobbing
This sums up my childhood essentially. It’s terrible & I feel your pain.
Feel you. It's terrible. I don't go to my dad for that reason. He is such a different dad to them.
He ignores me and stuff. But he will be there and playing with his other kids lol.
Get so triggered as well when i see other healthy families 🫣
I totally get that. That family situation was so foreign to me as well. 😔
I spent every moment possible in high school at friends' houses looking for this kind of energy. ❤
A huge trigger for me is my dad being a great dad to his second set of children but neglected me so badly. I’m pretty angry and hurt at that. My dad is a narcissist and I’m told to just let it go and it’s not fair. Quit looking into the past he tells me.
I'm curious if this is objectively true, or merely how he presents it to you.
@Googy Grant I think it really helps to notice how the support for the Golden child is meant to make you jealous and control you both. The golden child might help the parent scapegoat you and live in privilege but that privilege comes from being a loyal soldier, an ecochamber, a best friend, and often financial dependence on the parent and comes with a set of rules of who they can be how they can act that involves squashing down any and all parts of themselves that would inconvenience or displease the parent. Watching Encanto and then listening to a therapist explain Isabella's role in the family in the movie and talk about how golden child kids can cope with drugs sometimes really helped me see the experience my golden child sibling had, even before I realized our mom was a narc and what that meant. It's not ok. It's not right. And not having a safety net is deeply traumatizing, but I'm not jealous like I sometimes used to be. If the golden child falls out of line the narcissistic parent changes the game and makes you the favourite for a while or makes some new children to help make you both jealous again. The love for those kids is a conditional lie. It's sad. It's not real safety.
I had a similar but not identical experience my mom (who is also a traumatized person) saw my bro as needing all her empathy because he’s obviously a mess and my sister who is the baby. But I was always considered to be an actress because once when I was an infant my mom fawned over me like I was sick and apparently I went limp. She was always fond of telling folks I was the one she didn’t have to worry about. I simply wanted to make her happy. But i also wanted to be heard but since I was such an actress I knew nobody would believe me. Any time I tried I got shut down because apparently adults are the only ones with pain or real problems. Now in my 50’s I’m finally being believed but only because the veterans administration has sanctioned my mess. Want to throw up just thinking about it.
Move on or you will drive yourself crazy, I know from bitter experience
Sounds like he's taking no ownership of his actions and how they have affected you , I wish you the best for your healing 💯
I still remember realizing I have persistent depression and asking my husband if he had always knew. I cried so hard when he told me he has always known, he has known I might always be, and he loves ME and my depression is not who I am.
🥺🥺🥺🥺❤❤❤
Thats a keeper !
you go Natalie !!!🦋
That's so sweet🤍
i bet that felt so good 🥹
I recommend seeing the whole video, but for your reference, here's a summary of each point:
The 11 Oddly Specific Childhood Trauma Issues:
1. Emotional Delay - experiencing emotions triggered by an issue later than the occurrence
2. Rushing Nowhere - an urge to move to the next step without slowing down
3. Refrigerator Buzz Depression - a depression that had always been there since childhood
4. Getting tired is a trigger - being tired causes urge for overproductivity
5. Chameleon But Don't Mix - compartmentalizing identities according to situation
6. On the Spot Dissociation - checking out when put in place to speak
7. Laughing About the Pain - jokingly talking about abusive situations, not taking severity of situation seriously
8. Crying Valve - either you can't cry or you can't stop crying
9. Glass Frog - the feeling of being raw and exposed in social surroundings
10. Sideways Grief or Rage - repressing feelings of grief in seeing healthy families or feeling rage over little things
11. Waiting Games - I'll do it after y takes place
Very unique issues. Thanks for the video, Patrick!
That's heavy.
I wonder if certain kinds of obesity is a response to glass frog. It really helped me be ignored and made me asexual to everyone which was a lot more comfortable.
@@tahiyamarome it was proved
@@tahiyamarome I have read and been told that weight gain is a reaction to past sexual abuse to avoid future sexual abuse.
Thank you!
The time my husband said to me “You don’t deserve to be treated that way”. And when I responded how I was conditioned to believe that “I put my parents through hell growing up “… he was like “No you didn’t. You’re an amazing person who is constantly doing everything for them and no one appreciates your heart. They just want you to believe that you’re guilty of something so that you keep doing everything for them. Why can’t you see that?”
That began my journey into discovering my sense of self, authentically, and now I’ve learned that I was just the scapegoat for my narcissistic family for the past 30 years, but on the bright side I’ve been no contact for almost 2 years now lol 😅🐐
You married a wonderful person! He sounds so kind ‼️🖤
You married a good one. He could've jumped on that band wagon. And Kudos to you!😊
Good hubby!
I was also diagnosed by my therapist as the scapegoat of my family. It honestly was brought to my attention by my own sister when I told her that our family was constantly comparing my life to hers to point out that I was not “good enough”. I often heard phrases like “why can’t you be more like your sister?” Or “if you were more like your sister, things wouldn’t be this way in our family”.
When I realized I was the scapegoat, I stopped letting myself be the scapegoat. I went no contact for a year before my family finally realized they needed to apologize. I pray your family realizes this too. It took a lot of work for my family to start healing and recognizing their roles in me and my sister’s trauma. I hope the same happens for you. Family is important, but you don’t have to completely lose yourself to make your family happy. Stick to your guns and I believe that eventually they will respect you for it.
Nice! I have cut all contact to my family when I was 25, after my aunt had left the living. Its been 2 years for me, too. I had been very close to my personal offenders and nearly as close to the ones that abused others.. and some of the victims, like my aunt. She made me rearrange my whole inner world, in a very valuable way. I started realising how affection and trauma-bond induced addiction and fixation on violators in order to survive can feel similarish in a self-manipulative mind. These days, I look back and fail to recognize the person I was in the presence of the sadists and tyranns.
I was raised in a toxic family and I always told myself there is someone out there who has it worse than me. But after watching this video I think for the first time I actually realized how bad my situation actually was because I can relate to every single one of these and it seems like my whole ‘personality’ is just a trauma response.
Your situation sounds very sad and perhaps, frustrating, to me. I hope you're in counseling. Feel better soon.
No no, We are ALL traumatized. You have just woken up to the fact. You are way ahead of the fray and really self aware. You are Probably better than you think right now.
@@hew195050thanx for saying that
Atleast we are aware and can do something about it
Listening to this for example
Same! I related to all of these, it was kind of shocking.
When I went through quite extensive therapy, at the end of it I realised I didn't actually know who I was and that I am actually a completely different person. It was strange but also very enlightening. I had also spent my entire life in a trauma response.
The way I had the video on double speed and then put it back to normal when he said the thing about always being in a rush for no damn reason😭 like I always feel like I need to get through something as fast and efficiently as possible
Me too, man. I was in the middle of the video tbh, and have already watched it in 2x and 1,5x speed, just for nothing, just for rushing. I reset the video and now I will watch it entirely in 1x speed and seeing no comments
"We don't know how to take the truth about what happened to us seriously because nobody else did." Wow this hit me so hard. My therapist would always ask me why I was laughing about traumatic things I talked about and I never really knew how to answer her.
I find it interesting that a therapist would ask a question like that repeatedly without helping you find the answer.
@@KaiLucasZacharyBy asking that question, the therapist IS helping the client find the answer.
It forces the client to be self-aware of their thoughts regarding the topic (e.g. laughter) and explain why they found something traumatic funny.
when I was asked this by a therapist it didnt feel like a pointer to self enquiry, it felt like when teachers ask "why are you chewing gum in class?" .
I was young at the time and not healed or developed beyond the trauma of childhood . These days I would see it as a question , and , if it was in fact.a passive agressive comment. Id address her behaviourm but in those days I wasnt so smart .
When mine asked why I smiled all the time I really had to look at it like wow..I never noticed that about myself.
@@BluDrop5 That only works if you already have the tools to identify the reason, and a great many of us don't have the tools. THAT'S WHY WE'RE IN THERAPY.
I remember the first time I saw my now husband's parents holding hands in public and had the realization that parents can love each other, and it nearly broke me. Sideways grief is the real deal.
Wow, this hits like truck.
It truly is experiencing that now... Realizing who and what my parents really are...
❤
My ex-husband and I used to hold hands in public.
My ex-boyfriend couldn’t understand why I was uncomfortable showing affection in front of my parents.
On the spot disassociation is a big one for me. It feels so embarrassing because people asking me simple questions can confuse me. I’ll forget for no reason and then it seems like I’m lying. This happens a lot in interviews because of the pressure to say the “right things”.
Even just "And who's this?" Turns to me...panic ensues. I've accidentally lied about my name because I briefly couldn't remember it and gave my middle school nickname which was very confusing for everybody lol.
This other time there was a work lunch and it was buffet style and i was grabbing my plate super content and this guy asks me what soda i want. I said root beer and he poured it and handed it to me. At the same time i happened to grab a fork. My brain connected a utensil (fork) with root beer and thought he was handing me a root beer float so i put the fork in the cup. He made fun of me and i had to laugh it off because who does that?
I lied I felt pressured they gave me examples an kept on an on
Maybe this won't help but I manage to trick myself into saying the right things by playing a kind of association game. They ask a question, I freeze for a split second, then the absolute first situation that comes to mind (and sometimes I really have to work for anything to come to mind by looking at everything around me to jog my memory about literally anything) I find something professional about it to talk about while I process the question they asked, then find a way to link the more thought out answer to my association stall story. I also try to keep a list of key words and a couple of noted situations that help show my skills on my padfolio in case I get too nervous to make the association thing work
Oh. This happens to other people. I thought I was just bad at listening.
I was put into special reading because my teacher would put me on the spot and I'd freeze. They thought I had learning issues. I was making straight A's and surpassing everyone in the class and they realized I was actually smart & pulled me back out of it & into regular classes. This is one of I really struggle with. It makes it so hard to put myself out there and even make friends.
I hope and pray that everyone watching this video is healing and gaining an understanding of themselves and working it out, you are strong and not alone🙏🏼
Thank you so much! And right back at you! Greetings from Czechia, central Europe ❤
I remember I saw my girlfriend interact with her parents, jokingly, lovingly, and positively. And, I knew I felt weird about it to be honest I thought it was jealousy because I could never be like that towards my parents. I'm glad I learned I wasn't jealous I was angry or grieving over the fact that I could never be like that with my parents, even in the moments I do. I feel like that moment always tends to get ruined by something my parents created.
Thank you for your comment. I feel weird around my partners family and kids. I've thought through jealousy, and judgements. I have zero contact with my remaining family. I'm thinking I'm just confused how he can love them so closely, and love me, too, but in adult way. I'm truly afraid there's not enough room for me. But there is. I've seen it. Thank you, for your comment, it popped through a barrier I didn't understand before. Hoping you are well today. ❤
Our parents are also living in trauma response or in ignorance
I feel that so much, in each relationship I had, I had the same exact sense of longing and jealousy, when I would see my partner and their parents or siblings interact and especially be loving and affectionate. It feels so much better to rebrand it as a feeling of grief, rather then perceive ourselves as “controlling” or “possessive” in our heads🧡
I get like this as well when I see father- daughter dances at weddings...or basically any happy moments families share with their parents...I oddly feel completely broken,angry, exhausted, sad...I thought It was just me.
@@soniadomaradzka3120 wer'e learning new 'words', that fit the feeling better. I know, for me, longing, regret, even anger towards my parents, fit better that jealousy. I'm soo grateful for this post chain!! I hope your different words, different prospective, helps in your relationships. We can heal, we are not our trama or a by-product. We deserve happiness and love!!
I really get the idea of sideways grief. Whenever I see a good parent out in the wild- like responding to their kid at a grocery store- I get teary eyed and feel like I love them, and this doesn't seem to happen to other people I know.
Me too. I love to see dads out riding bikes with their kids, and see a bright light in kind people. I can’t listen to certain types of beautiful music lest I become emotional. I think we can learn to set boundaries with those situations while still feeling so happy and good kind families etc.
I’ve had this reaction when I visit a friend whose family is supportive and has normal, healthy boundaries. I see them treat each other well, and not be hypercritical, and I get so sad.
So real. I always appreciate those moments when I see them. I never had that in my childhood. But its nice to see that someone else does. 🥲 yes, its wholesome but knowing I didn't have that kinda makes my chest feel hollow and the tears flow. So I appreciate the fact that I got to see someone who's living in that moment I so badly wanted to feel just once.
Too much? I'm feeling that throat knot coming up 🤣 stay positive yall 💜
I'm the same when I see people laughing with their children, saying encouraging things or just being kind, I think wow, they're amazing, but to most people that's the norm. I cant comprehend what it must feel like to have been loved just as you are.
I have felt that sadness and jealousy over other people having better families.
I love how gentle you are with all of us, it means a lot. I love when you clarify things like, “and that’s not an attack on you”. Oftentimes I don’t even notice that I’m offended/triggered until you say things like that, and then I’m calmer and more present. It’s awesome, thank you so much for what you offer and who you are
Yeah, it is really helpful.
THIS! This extra effort of Patrick's may not be necessary for all of us, but I bet it's helpful to Many of us.
@ Peace Girl
Food for thought. I can be quite blunt, (hate secrets - reaction to childhood). For me it is big effort to be careful with my words, but it's gotten much better.
@@noneofurbusiness5223 I have the same trouble with being blunt. I don't suffer fools gladly, that's for certain. In my childhood home everything was a secret; even things that didn't make sense to be a secret and I blundered many times at revealing a "secret" innocently and then would get in so much trouble afterward. It was extremely confusing so now I have gone to the opposite extreme, which isn't good either.
love this, Peace Girl! thank you for articulating it so well. 100%
I am 65 years old - the mention of friends and family kept popping up! I suffered the most extreme childhood trauma, sexual, physical, psychological, total neglect, and I didn’t even know! I’ve never had a friend in my life - only predators that masqueraded as ‘friends’ only to then become abusive, just like the ‘family’ I grew up in. It was my ‘normal’.
I’m only just beginning to understand the horrendous reality of it now! It really hits me hard. And no, I can’t cry!!
I can relate your comment word by word. But i am in my late 20s with trust issues and i isolate myself from others because of this. I can't trust anyone anymore. I am done with that
This is pure gold. A lot of us were trained to become people-pleasers, afraid of saying no for fear of violence or rage. My go-to is still a "Sure I will" never thinking of what I need, do I really want to do this? Am I being manipulated? That's one of the most frustrating aspects of cPTSD/trauma that really frustrates me. I keep forgetting, "No!" is a complete sentence.
A little trick passed on to me. I am not 100% successful, but i know to strive for progress, not perfection.
My AA Sponsor and I worked on my codependency issues when i was in early sobriety. She taught me to take a breath when someone asks me to do something.
Take a few seconds and take a couple slow deep breaths before answering with. " Thank you". Pause and think again before giving your yes/no answer. If it's something big, ask to think on it and get back to them tomorrow.
It takes practice. But boy, has it saved me from some pickles i might have otherwise found myself in.
Sometimes it feels like I'm about to stick my hand in the fire. I know not to stick my hand in the fire. I tell meself no. You know what happens when you stick your hand in the fire. You've done it before. You said you wouldn't do it again. Don't stick your hand in the fire !!!!!!! Noooo! And there i am, watching my hand going into the fire.
Now. I remember to thank. Stop and breath . Less exhausting!!!
@@avalerie4467 Thank you, no breath required for this one ❤
Oh boy that really resonated with me
@@avalerie4467 this is inspiring thanks for sharing :)
People pleasing is definitely something I struggle with. I try to keep the peace but in the long run it causes more conflict because I can't keep up with promises I made
Refrigerator buzz depression really hit the nail on the head. It also explains what happened earlier this year. I was talking with a co-worker and he told me I'm a really nice person and everyone thinks so, and I just started crying. Really confused him. Really confused me too to be fair.
Same, I remember I was transferred to a different location for a month and when I came back basically all my coworkers were happy to see me and said they really missed me. I just thought to myself "people really care about me?"
same, today i was told by a friend that im a good person and an amazing friend and i cried harder (i was already crying lol)
@@jakatak744 I've had those realizations too! I remember I went out with some college friends at the mall and I "escaped" (I just left without them knowing to get some alone time) for a while. After coming back, one of them told me "we were looking for you! I'm so glad you're here again!" And I just stared blankly like "??? They cared???"
Days later, after processing the emotion, I kinda wanted to cry ngl.
I was very nervous the other day at the gym. Couldn't go on with my exercises. Several people came and asked how I felt, offered cookies and help. It made me cry harder. Even now when I am recalling it I have tears swelling in my eyes. I think this is a response to someone genuinely helping and acknowledging my emotions. Something I was brought up almost deprived of. I am 33, and shill dealing with this stuff
Oh.. those crying episodes with my mom. That.. makes sense. Infrequent but.. yeah. I.. don't know how one acts like a child because I was too observant to other matters. Still an under current of feeling regarding that.
My sister sent me this video during a complete mental breakdown I was having yesterday, you may have genuinely saved my life. I'm 23yrs old, no contact with my mother(Dad died when I was 9 due to Alcoholism)For the first time in my life seeing evidence that I'm not a broken toy, that I'm not the one responsible for what happened. It's very literally life affirming.
Isn't it wonderful to find out we are not broker? Just got dealt a bad hand?
I hope you are ok today ❤ much love
Thinking of you and sending you so much love 🙏
You are not broken at all, you are just mend❤
Brave post.
The first step in recovery is realising/ identifying the problem. I was massively burdened by guilt as a child because I was repeatedly told that I had ruined my mother's life. The realisation that my conception wasn't my 'fault' but the result of choices made by 2 adults changed my thinking. I knew I was being abused, the guilt went away but other very difficult feelings of inadequacy, depression and suicidal ideation crept in.
I had therapy for a while as a kid but my mother fell out with the therapist for refusing to show her his notes on our session! She wanted him to diagnose me with something and maybe deep down knew that the things she said to me at home were not normal or acceptable... So therapy didn't last long.
I'm already getting in to a wordy essay here so I'll try to be succinct.
I used hard drugs for years through my 20s and 30s. It really took away my pain and helped me function in the early days, but eventually I chose to go to treatment abroad for 3+ months.
It was only during my rehab that I really faced my childhood trauma. Lots of hours of one on one therapy & counselling as well as daily group therapy that I would never have experienced if it wasn't for my addiction.
The mental scars are not always apparent to us, they manifest in many ways and can cause huge problems in all aspects of life.
I wish I had got help 20 years earlier, maybe I could have avoided alot of suffering and been more fulfilled today.
You're young, with your life ahead of you. Look into any help/ therapy that is available to you (maybe covered by insurance?) If your sister sent you this video, maybe she has similar feelings or, at least is aware of your condition? Maybe start by talking with her.
I wish you the best on your journey, don't sleep on this though, it doesn't just 'go away'.
Finally broke into tears at the words "these issues are not forever and they are not set in stone". Unfortunately, I'm still trapped in an abusive home, and strongly identify with each issue listed. Being told there's some kind of hope, I can't put words to how much I need to hear it. Thank you.
Same here, but you'll make it out. I did a year and a half ago, and from what I hear from friends and family I like, I 100% made the right decision. We can recover. I'm working on it. You can too.
@@athenapromachos3027 I'm glad you got out. Thanks
I didn’t realize rushing was a trauma response. I always felt like everything always had to be done asap no matter how minuscule the task is and if I’m late, I feel like I failed or embarrassed, almost a sort of shame.
Same here, I’m always rushing to get to the next thing I need to get done.
Me too!
same
i got into a bike accident because of this.
I do this but not from an emergency feeling, I want to be done with whatever I'm doing as quickly as possible so I can resume one of the three of four activities I actually want to do. Literally everything else feels like a distraction.
I definitely feel like refrigerator buzz depression can mold into high functioning depression as well for some people. “It’s just a part of me, but the show must go on.” It’s interesting to see how these obscure experiences resonate with many.
I just learned something new today
Yep, this makes more sense now. Why I feel the way I feel even when life is now good
Defo, also I've been on antidepressants so long I didnt know what the side effects of the meds were and what was depression and what was me. Turns out most of my symptoms were down to being on such a high dose of antidepressants and probs the wrong type, the doctors don't care, they just want you to go when you try and get help, they aren't qualified enough to understand, same as mental health professionals, they just want you to keep taking the meds and you're so drugged up you can't make a proper decision on what to do. I feel like they want you drugged up so you aren't a problem to them anymore, it doesn't matter about how I feel. I'm on a child's dose of antidepressants now and my anxiety, energy levels and motivation have got so much better. I didnt discuss it with my docs, had to figure it out on my own.
I'm next to a freezer that is making the same buzzing noise as I type. Ugh, I can relate.
I noticed mine in my late teens, finally was hanging around friends away from my parents & gained a reference point & some self-awareness for the first time. All I can think of is, how did my mother not notice all those symptoms!!! The more I practice breaking those behaviors (not bathing properly, self-harm, etc.) the more I realize she was completely neglecting me. I speak to my inner child in such a motherly way, literally teaching myself how to take care of myself, and I wonder why/how she did not teach me anything
I want to add some insight to #5: Part of the hesitancy to mix social groups is due to the chameleon behavior itself. If you adapt yourself to the social norms of one group, & you do the same with another that has completely different norms, how will you simultaneously perform both sets of norms at once? You can’t do this without being more of your authentic self. There is a perceived risk to stability in those social connections if you don’t craft your reactions around their norms, rather than just having similar reactions with all the different people you know.
This is so well-said. I struggle with this hard core.
You summed this up so well. I still struggle with this on a daily basis and I don’t really know what to do about it.
For me it's that I feel constantly responsible for how people get along - mixing groups is very stressful, because it leads to the possibility that some or those people won't get along and it will resemble the loyalty conflicts from the family of origin.
This. As someone who is highly dissociative, I remember the humiliation when kids from school where I was borderline mute heard about a music class where I was the class clown. As it turns out, those really were two different people...but you can't explain that.
yesss! I also see this for me as autistic masking.
I totally relate to the sideways grief/rage. I remember walking home from the grocery store and seeing a girl crying and her mother hugging her at the side of the street and overhearing her say “it’s ok, I’m always here for you and we will get through this together” and once I got in my house, I just started crying uncontrollably because I never had that kind of support as a child and no one was ever there for me. I also get angry and frustrated really easily, especially if I cannot figure out how to do something, and often memories of my parents saying “what’s wrong with you?” Or “how come you can’t do something so easy?” Come flooding back to me. I have ADHD & dyscalculia so those are things I heard a lot growing up.
I love this video because he actually discusses NEGLECT as a trauma. I've been through dozens of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), DBT, and other types of group therapies and not one of them talked about neglect. They were all about physical violence, S.A., bullying, etc... Not to say those aren't valid traumas though.
This video is a breath of fresh air!
Well done! 🎉
(Edit because I forgot the internet is the internet lol: CBT = Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)
I’ve noticed that too! Trauma formed from neglect is real and should be talked about more
holy shit CBT? 🤯
@Kenoz Cognitive Behavioral Therapy 🤣
@@kenoz765 I literally thought the exact same thing
@Nothing to see
I had to google it 🤣 Thanks for making me laugh on a dark day
Maladaptive daydreaming is said to be a symptom of trauma, and is an addicting form of escapism. Discovering this term and what it meant, a few years back, and it was disturbing how much of my life was spent in that; trying to internalize to find an escape from a lot of really screwed up things from my past. Being addicted to that form of coping has been extremely difficult to break out of.
I know what you mean my friend. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this experience. I'm 21 now and I've been doing this MD since I was 15. I definitely think it's a coping mechanism for trauma. I think for me the root cause is having very low self confidence in my ability to do anything in my every day life. I've been working hard for the past two years to stop myself. It is very hard but it's possible! Stay strong my friend your doing great! 💪
What you said really resonated.
I've lost so much time to "day dreaming."
I'll sit down for a cup of coffee, and three or four hours have gone by without notice.
I do that to go to sleep at night. I have to make up a scenario where I am someplace I love and I feel calm and at peace. It always involves the ocean. I have to get pretty deep into it to keep the other thoughts in my head away that keep me awake. I have severe insomnia. My mind doesn't want to shut off. Have you got insomnia also?
I can remember crafting entire storylines every night before I slept as a kid. I would close eyes and imagine landscapes, character dialougue, use my mouth for sound effects, and move my arms to simulate fighting scenes.
One recurring theme I notice now is that in all of those universes I would "pilot" as the main character, and crafting the stories around their triumphs over the toughest of obstacles (them of course being the most rewarded and heroic characters).
This has probably had a direct effect on how well i can visualize and daydream. And due to this skill It is has an intoxicating grasp on my life.
If I think of something I want, I can just vividly imagine having it. And vaguely experience the feelings I crave. It's not real, of course. But there is still real attachment and feelings in those "mind trips", something to gain.
Nowadays I can find myself visualizing or daydreaming out various social interactions I want to experience. Trying to force how I want others to act and perceive me into the real world.
It can get so bad some nights that I just want to stay in a world or reality that I created, because it feels that karma has my back in those worlds.
For anyone else with a very high level of this skill of visualization. I think there can be some very cool applications of it!
You can use it to visualize a feeling you want to have, and usually you can pull that feeling into the real world! It's not perfect, but for a quick boost of energy it can prove useful.
One of my favorite applications you can try is for "relaxation" visualizations.
Now I got to preface this by saying I don't think these will actually help you get to sleep. From personal experience they just make me really relaxed and have a bodily experience akin to a body high. But it can be fun to unwind before sleep by doing this.
Don't focus on the environment, but focus on how your body feels and moves. Connect movement (lets say your breathe) to an absurdly exaggerated visualization. I like to imagine a balloon inflating to the maximum point as I breathe in, and to a thin compressed hydraulic pressed like state as I breathe out. Connect this visualization with your stomach and breathe. You can get so good at this that it is very hypnotizing.
This is probably just another form of coping haha, but I discovered it as I was meditating. I was trying to focus more on my breathe, so a deep breathing practice, not a true mindfulness practice.
To achieve mindfulness this experience is the OPPOSITE of what you want. Presence is no thoughts at all. It is a much more peaceful state, and I recommend going for it instead of visualizations and gimmicks like this. To do that you can focus on outside awareness. DO NOT focus on your breathe, as that is a part of you. Focusing on a part of yourself can be useful but it is dangerous, because it almost always leads back to you being stuck in your head. I like to focus on outside sounds around me. Some of my favorites are bugs, fans, a/c units, anything that is constant. And then try to expand your sound awareness from those anchor sounds, but by bit you will notice more around you. At some point I then open my eyes and focus on multiple different things around me, making sure not to hyperfocus on one spot. This is my go to method for getting more present quickly. Again, be careful focusing on your feet against the ground, on your breathe, on on your physical sensations. These can lead to hyperfixation on yourself, which is not what you want for being present. : )
@@riehelm745that specific example you gave is actually not maladaptive daydreaming, but a healthy coping mechanism, if imagining a comfortable place helps you get to sleep please keep doing it! but if you find yourself doing it during the day and interfering with your day to day life that is a sign it might be time to start seeking out other coping mechanisms that work for you
I know this is small but thank you for saying "we" so much. It makes us feel conntected. I am not alone and neither is anyone who saw this video and clicked on it. We have similar and different experiences but trauma is hurt all the same. I wish Love and Healing to everyone who needs it
blue hair makes sense now😂
@@mr.greenwi3177that's rude. What are you doing here? This is a safe place and everyone here is trying their best to heal
U uc7,,7,,ucgg8((
😅😅(7😅(😅😅😅g(
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I've listened to this 3 times in 2 days and I'll listen to it again and again. My heartaches, depression, rage, oversharing, that I thought were part of my ADHD, are really trauma responses.
My family felt so normal. My parents are good people with their own trauma. They really were doing their best.
But at least I'm learning early enough to identify how I've copied them, shared this with my kids, and we are working to undo the hurt and get on a better path.
Happy to see the healthy awareness at work.
I'm 63 years old and I balled my eyes out, watching this. Thank you so much for teaching such compassion for the abused inner child. This was powerful.
Balled them out, like with a melon-baller? The word is "bawled."
@@JTguitarlessons I saw the spelling error without feeling the need to criticize the poster. You may want to examine your motivation for even mentioning it.
@@JTguitarlessonsdidnt understand why you felt the need to go out of your way to comment this
@@JTguitarlessonsaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
@@JTguitarlessons😂😂
“It’s as if you’re already in trouble” Holy crap. That’s exactly it. These are so accurate. Thank you 💜
I'm always thinking I'm about to get in trouble, I jump if someone calls my name in a certain tone.
Once, at the age of 10, I had to stay for the night at my cousin(with her professor husband)s house, to look after their 4 months old baby, among 3 other kids all under 9.
The baby started screaming a half an hour after the grown-ups left.
I remember trying everything, hushing, rocking, giving bottle, change nappy. NOTHING helped!
Hours later they came back, and accused me of upsetting the baby into a state.
Then she decided to cut my hair off. It was horrible! I never slept that night.
After it, I told nobody.
@@LR-yu3mx Your parents didnt ask what happened to your hair? Im guessing your parent was a narcissist and knew you would be abused at this house.
10 year old should not be put in charge of other children especially a baby.
The sense of injustice from narcissistic scapegoat abuse is enormous.
@@LR-yu3mx I’m sorry this happened to you 🙏💞
Heart felt and Renee...yes my mom malignant narc. Thank you for answers.
Yes, even after ten years of therapy, I have so much anxiety inside of myself. I’m so scared of not having a home and becoming homeless because I cannot ever go back to that horrible place I escaped from in the past. I’m a survivor of severe childhood trauma and abuse and it’s taken so much work to get to where I am today.
You can do it.
Same. ❤
I was admitted to the day hospital a month ago. Even after the day hospital, my anxiety is still very high oftentimes. I got sent there because I was having numerous numerous anxiety/panic attacks every day. It went on for about three weeks. Good luck though, I really hope you are able to lower that horrible anxiety that overcomes your body!🙏 You can do it, 100% confident in you!🤗😊
My mother used to say: "You'll come creeping on your knees and beg to take you in".
Sending you a hug and a prayer
My mind is blown. I’ve been so terrified of starting therapy because of what it might unearth. “Randomly” stumbled upon this video today and am finally feeling ready to start healing. Thank you.
I’m crying because so many of these apply to me . I am a civil war baby from Liberia and didn’t come to america till I was 7. My family dynamic did not get any better in America the promise land which was so heartbreaking to me . I remember getting into a horrible accident that totaled my car when I was 17/18 and I was too afraid to tell my mom . Or to ask her for nurturing I knew I wouldn’t get. I didn’t even call her while in the hospital . I was so afraid of being rediculed and getting hit. I had to take care of myself and was made fun of for totaling my car and shamed for embarrassing her . That memory just resurfaced for me today… Im 26 year old and I think I will join a trauma support group.
Sending care to you. ❤
A support group sounds like a great idea! I hope you get the love and care you deserve. 💙
It’s very difficult to make it in America, even if you were born here.
GOD bless you. I suffer from all of this too.
Kenyan who immigrated here when I was 11 and I resonate so much with you. We've got this. 🤜🏿
You are a marvel. I am 80, born in wartime Europe when parents were prisoners. Staying alive took precedence over "tell me what you're feeling. " You have described several of my issues with such a depth of understanding and compassion. Will need several more listenings.
Oh my goodness. I hope you have been able to live a good life and will continue doing well. It is hard to realize what you suffered.
Irene, take a look at Gabor Maté's books. He has some shared experience with being born during WW2.
Yes, I see how my mum was raised and the repercussions. No one had time for feelings then. Totally survival mode.
Uau you are 80, still so sharp and looking on to improving yourself, that's amazing!
@Irene Shearer I'm really proud of you for physically surviving & even prouder that you're still open to growth. My mum & now‐deceased grandparents were raised under the same conditions & sadly my mum is very hateful to me & refuses to accept that not everyone feels emotionally identical. So yeah ‐ you're really good at being a mindful adult❤ #hugehugs
you just made me realize that unconsciously part of why i avoid going to bed at night it's because that was one of the times when felt the most abandoned just laying in that dark room alone listening to my parents fight listening to all of the violence and chaos out there and all of that and how having that still quiet moment with my internal thoughts now triggers that same feeling
I'm always last to sleep as it was the only quiet time I had. I also check everything for safety.
SAME! I have a psych degree and about to go back to finish my grad school degree for my MFT license... and ....I have not thought about this and tied it to my trauma until this video !!! :) That is when he really won me over here that this is stellar content
I never considered my refusal to go to bed as a childhood trauma issue until this list. I didn't hear fighting but I had a single mom who worked several jobs on all shifts so I only remember putting myself to bed. I understood why she wasn't there but I still felt abandoned. The complete silence of an empty house is deafening to a young child.
So relate. I hated naps too, because of FOMO & fearing abandonment. We all deserve extra time making bedtime a fairytale comfort zone. Warm flannel jammies, hot tea, storytime. I keep a snow forest or Santa Advent calendar on the pillow year round, one for every month, & a book of Desert Fathers & Rumi.
And this video comes with treatment suggestions. This might be one of the most important videos I’ve ever watched in my life. I’m blown away by the validation, care, and everything that’s the opposite of being dismissed. I bravely spoke up as a very small child, and got shut down sharply. Repeat throughout my life. Thank you SO MUCH for this video.
I’ve never ever ever seen anyone talk about the chameleon can’t mix thing. I think it rooted from being so loud and obnoxious with friends and family and being shy, quiet and compliant with teachers and other adults, but when two people from both groups were in the same room, I had no idea how to act. I’m 20 years old now and this is still pretty intense for me. Sometimes at work I’ll click with some coworkers better than others, and I can really be openly myself with someone while being extremely shy and reserved with someone else. When we’re altogether I have no idea how to act
Damn literally everything you said is the exact same as me.
On spot, I wouldn't say it better.
i’m 27 and just started mixing friends. it is so healing to see them still love you in any setting 🤍
I refer to myself as a floater
well i cant mix my friends cause im gay and closeted lol. also my parents arent divorced by they too did this because whenever both sides of their families gathered for birthdays it was a nightmare for them so the sides of the family rarely see eachother and if they do i have to hear allll the gossip for ages. and theres always this pressure to like one side more. for example i got a gift from my dad sister and i loved it then my mom told me its really cheap and ugly and she didnt even buy me anything for my graduation or 18th birthday (we live in 2 different continents so it makes sense she didnt lol)
Argument scares me. Negotiations, I avoid them, boundaries, don't get set and I get overwhelmed.
I understand me too
Exactly. I don’t understand how to set boundaries. It feels so strange, like why should I have the right to restrict a person from doing something that makes me uncomfortable? It feels like I am being over sensitive. I did not have boundaries as a little kid and I still don’t
@@I_got_handledthis is true- being sad isn’t necessarily enough- even disappointment sometimes isn’t enough but anger- I gotta say what I gotta say but I try to do it in a respectful manner because everyone deserves that much.
@@laavv
I struggled for 10 years, now i struggle less as I learned that boundaries are not to restrict someone else… but to help myself to respond to someone else’s actions.
If someone still decides to touch me in a public space even after I said “keep your hands to yourself!” , I’d say what I’m going to do (to protect my own wellbeing) instead of telling others on what to do/ what not to do without consent.
Healing is a messy journey, it’s never ending one step forward & two steps back type of homework.
We can do this, best wishes 🌱
Boundaries weren't part of my life either as 1 of 11 children upbringing. But I LOVE Negotiations! Yet none of my siblings learned to do them. 😢
I am one of six siblings. The 3 older ones grew up with extreme physical abuse; the 3 younger ones did not. I did not. In our sage years, the three older ones are becoming increasingly difficult to get along with. The content in this video has helped me understand the personality issues the older siblings may have due to trauma, and I have increased my empathy towards them. I’m grateful this video emerged as a recommendation.
I'm the eldest I'm the one who grew up with the physical abuse ( sometimes it led to broken bones even ), and life is so hard there isn't any moment in the day where i dont wish my life would end , I'm happy to hear that u r having more empathy for ur siblings, mine have none For me and I wish they did they're the only ppl I'm staying alive for
I’m sorry that you had this extreme hardship and I pray that you stay strong every day because the world needs you here and now for you are an extraordinary human being 🙏
This comment made me cry having someone like you that care and learn and try to help them is what they need i an one of them people. You are great ❤
@@Junebug2908i’m the same as you the only reason i’m alive is my siblings yet none of them take me seriously and just tell me to endure it cause they’re “my parents in the end” my mom is a manipulative person that’s why they always forgive her
@Riri333_ ngl sometimes I wish I can go to some random place where no one knows me and I don't know no one and just start over but I know I will wonder how are? my siblings who is looking out for them? are my parents abusing them now that I'm not there ? So I just suck it up and stay around and take it
It helps me to look back at times I did the right thing, especially if they were trying to stop it. Example: I tried out for choir, despite being told that I am tone-deaf. And was accepted! I told them the teacher didn't think so, and shrugged it off. The other parents did indeed notice who never showed for events, but they just took turns getting me dinner after with the group and getting me home, bless them all!
Oh god, mine were assholes about my singing too, even though others often say it's quite nice. God forbid we be able to express ourselves. I'm glad we were both able to push back on it back then, and recover now.
Sideways grief. Wow. Yes. Seeing female friends or other family members engaging with their Dads in a fun and lovely way just kills me, and then I feel guilty. My Dad took his life when I was 4, but I absolutely adored him in the short time I had with him. NEVER being able to know what it feels like to grow up being "Daddy's Girl" just wrecks me. Especially since my step-dad was Abusive.
I am really sorry to hear that. Coming from an abusive/alcohol abusing dad, I can relate somewhat. I know it isn't the same, but, there is a feeling of grief and loss I went through. 29 years of no contact, I can feel thankful of positive things about him. Anyway, I lost my father who was cool when I was a little kid, and this weird monster took his place in 3rd grade 🤔In my religion's view, the Creator is Our Father. So His family is my family. Not all peaches and roses all the time, of course, still a lot to unpack.
am a dad of 3 amazing perfect kids a 2yr old boy. 4yr old girl an a 7 year old boy love them more than anything in world my ex partner was under social services had chance after chance for 3 years to get off drugs promising me it be couple months accussed me of abuse controlling her but reality was she was cheating lien running away robbing me taking kids money an rent ect,,,,got injunction on me said social done it and social made statements an if she didnt sign she lose kids an if she sign there no chance i get kids back an she have them they help her house her omg first she went cousins an her cousins fella lived there an was on licence for manslaughter only just got out jail RED flags then found her a flat full of drug addicts no locks on windows kids bedrooms 4 floors up illegle cladding lifts always broke police there everyday blood in liftsan stairway on walls drug addicts an regested peodofile live 2nd floor facing kiddies park child died falling out window little boy.after that got her house an 4 doors down street facing street another convicted child abuser,
I'm so sorry for your loss 😢 My Dad died when I was 7 years old and was everything to me.. it's so difficult and no one can truly understand unless they've gone through this loss. God bless you 🙏 ❤️
My mother ditched me at 2..I had the same feelings when my friends were shopping with Mom...at the salon with Mom...girls trip with Mom...I felt the same way!!
Aw honey! 😢💔 Im so so sorry for your loss. My god I can't even imagine that heartache you feel without having your dad and being "A Daddy's Girl". My dad left years ago and chose drugs and we've been in no contact since. Im 24 now. I did have the daddy's girl just like you but I was 4 years old like you. It was so shortlived and it feels so far away and it makes me cry thinking about any nostalgia. Probably like you, I thought I would have that "Daddy's Girl" relationship with my dad forever. Please keep on going. We are all here with you 🫂❤
I have that rushing trauma. It's the little things. Running to the bathroom, jumping on my chair, hitting kitchen closets hard, trying to multitask and always rushing to next project, even it's not something important. Top of that, when plans get canceled and i dont have backup plan, i get really overwhelmed and stressed out, since there is not next mission to focus.
Ditto!!!
My sponsor in AA told me that her psychiatrist told her that she’s always late to all appointments in life because of her trauma, and I think this is what he was referring to. She doesn’t allow herself to have downtime because then the trauma sets in. Today I was go go go! But had to stop to meet my therapist on zoom. I was great all day! Until I stopped. I broke down crying for half the session.
Same ! I dint like to feel like I control my environment.
1. Emotional Delay (0:52)
2. Rushing to nowheere (5:00)
3. Refrigerator buzz depression (8:46)
4. Being tired is a trigger (11:40)
5. Chameleon but don't mix (13:44)
6. On the spot dissociattion (16:05)
7. Laughing about the pain (20:20)
8. Crying valve (23:12)
9. Glass Frog (26:19)
10. Sideways grief or pain (30:01)
11. Waiting games (33:35)
thank you
30:01
@@Meeeesje thanks for pointing it out! fixed :)
Thanks!
This is so helpful thank you.
I loved when you said “people can make their own choices about vibing with each other or liking each other”. I struggle with taking responsibility for how others feel and the hyper vigilance gives me so much anxiety. It’s empowering to realize that it’s NOT my responsibility to feel or make decisions for other people.
You and me both❣️ 🙏🏽
Honestly I think half the problem is projection put on us or more specifically projection identification from narcissistic types
I relate so much with that as well! Wishing the best for you 💖
@@leahflower9924I've been thinking about the same thing. I (finally) became extra aware of how people use their words when they speak to me. When someone asks me for help or needs me to do something for them, I noticed quite a few people used language that, I feel is manipulative. They often throw a compliment (or is it?)in the mix like, "You were the first person I thought of, your so good at it." But, I am still healing from an event that occurred 3 years ago so, I'm not sure if I'm hyper sensitive and reading too much into these things. It feels like subtle manipulation to me, though. And when they say things like, "I chose you because you're so good at it." Feels like they are projecting that identity on to me.
Yep
I got diagnosed with ADHD at 29 years old last year - the parallels between trauma and ADHD are pretty crazy which makes it hard to really identify what the actual cause of your behavior and different coping mechanisms are. Having experienced a lot of trauma in my childhood and teens, my new therapists thinks it’s more likely to be a complex ptsd than adhd. Just a little tip for adhd folks reading this comment, that your adhd could also be a variety of trauma responses.
I wonder the same if my adhd is actually real or due to past traumas. Its honestly a challenge to get a good therapist.
The way PTSD and CPTSD overlaps with Neurodivergence is astounding.
I have seen kids diagnosed with adhd, where you can clearly see, that the parent/parents are really challenging, but yone is not allowed to say anything. There are people who like to have diagnosis so that they are not blamed for doing wrong. They simply declare the child as some sort of evil.
ASD as well. It’s hard to pull apart my reacts to things - are they what I can’t tolerate or can’t I tolerate them due to external incidents ? AkA who am I under the mask?
This has me rethinking my entire life rn
My parents were good people who gave me everything materially, but they both came from emotionally damaged families and I am having difficulty letting go of a lot of resentment from never having felt supported emotionally. Meditation has worked wonders in my life overall, but this is one area in which I continue to struggle. This video is just a laundry list of my personality traits. Thank you.
I highly recommend the book titled, "adult children of emotionally immature parents" I read stupid fast and it took me a year to read it bc of how direct and thoroughly accurate it is.
thank you for wording it so accurately. it's hard when you understand your parents were victims of such conditions as well, but you're now stuck with your own resentment and issues, and it's hard to overcome them, even for the sake of healing, let alone for forgiveness.
That first sentence of your comment, it's like I wrote it
@adamfazari1381 Exactly, they gave me absolutely everything they could when it comes to material possessions and they still do. But man the emotional support they gave me is in the negatives
Something that helps me work towards letting go is the idea of letting just a tiny percent of fraction go.
I used to hold a lot of rage towards my parents. It's still there, but it's down about 60%. That took a decade to work through. Like you, they provided materially and tried to support me emotionally, but they didn't have the right tools.
I just discovered your channel. My maiden name is Teahan. My father was what I call a raging alcoholic. He died when I was 16. My mother got leukemia when I was 15. She wasn’t diagnosed right away & they called it a rare blood disorder. Then she got MS and died when I was 25.
My life was a mess for many years. There was physical abuse, always afraid & a sense of no hope when I was a child. We moved a lot and went to quite a few different schools. I had to leave friends & in the days with no computers, texting wasn’t around yet & all calls were long distance which cost money so that was not an option. Now I meditate daily & feel pretty strong. I’m just always looking for ways to get over the toxic way I grew up. I have two sisters & they have suffered terribly in their own ways. I didn’t have children as I did not want to continue the saga & as it goes back in my family history, alcoholism & violence. I sometimes feel cheated but another feeling is that due to what I experienced I understand many people who have suffered & think I’m compassionate & a good listener. I will check out more of your videos. If you know of some things I can do that might help me continue to not get depressed & I have suffered with anxiety. Less now but still do @ times. I have tears rolling down @ the moment. Thank you.
I have never heard anybody name emotional delay before! That is a perfect way to describe what happens to me. I get so upset that I didn't have the reaction I wanted to at the time.
Me too.
Only afterwards I realize what has been said or insinuated, that hurt. Then to go back and confront they pretend you are crazy.
Me too. Sometimes days later!
@@lynn5536 yeah same… i think it comes from being so threatened out of expressing ourselves that we were trained to hold in any emotional reaction by default.
Yes
I always wondered what that feeling was called too
The "being tired is a trigger" was something of a concept that was new to me. The childhood trauma I suffered was for an extended period of time at night when I was sleeping. It got to the point that I would sneak into my mother's room at night and sleep under her bed because I knew the victimizer could not reach me. I was safe. However, as a teenager and to this day I have problems with insomnia. It is like my brain is hard wired to associate sleep with not being safe, which is the reality considering sleeping is one of the most vulnerable conditions of the human experience. I guess I wanted to comment because I just never made that connection specifically between insomnia and childhood trauma. Thanks.
Dang! I don’t like going to bed to sleep. It’s also when I have the urge to do something (canning, quilting, etc) I never connected this set of dots.
Wow! Thank you for sharing your experience. This is profound. I wish you well on your journey.
I wake up in fight mode every day because my brain freaks out about being asleep
I'm a light sleeper, always hyper alert because I'm still living with the abuser. But every few days I collapse from absolute exhaustion and sleep like a rock, because my body just can't take the constant state of hyper alertness and dread. Those days I fear going to sleep and waking up to something dreadful. My health is in shambles.
I am sorry. That is tragic and no body should live with that kind of fear. There are endless reason why people that are victimized don't send their victimizers to prison. So that said, I hope you have some direct or indirect support. If not hopefully you can develop some. @@yikes7607
It was a eureka moment realising that the “empty blackness” 8 year old me experienced was depression and connecting it to living in an isolated place with a mother who spent most of the time sleeping and fearing a tyrant father’s return from work. It took 60 years
im sorry it took so long for you to find some peace about it, as a 23 year old who went through a very similar thing. I hope you are doing better and that your life has been full of joy
@@henyo5409 Thank you. Cannot complain about my life after I was free to make my own choices, I wish it had been so when I was your age. My goal has been not to repeat the ways of my parents. Stay strong and confident and have a great life and don’t go too much into your past 💜
I’m so so incredibly sorry that you were depressed at 8 years old. I can relate. Mine started at 9. I’m 52 now and it is completely debilitating. I wish I had your strength. God bless
@@KittyKittyBangBang249 Thank you. It’s probably determination more than strength. Once I had sorted out the why’s in my mind, I decided to leave the past, where it belongs, in the past. You can too. You are stronger than you think 💞
I have to remind myself constantly to not do anything in haste. To stop and think about it, speaking, acting, shopping and every decision. I've been getting so much better with this that it's almost natural now. Enabling me to now set boundaries, imagine how a hasty decision can make me regretful, resentful and obligated too people or things i really don't need.
I’m happy people are sharing their stories here. I’m 19 and trying to get my life together after a rough start in life. I’m processing a lot right now but being able to hear from people In their 30’s 40’s 50’s 60’s and so on makes me feel less scared. I still have time.
You've definitely got this! I never thought I'd be where I am today when I was 19, but we are stronger than they ever gave us credit for. Keep growing and healing ❤
The facts that you are starting to deal with this at 19 is such a blessing for you and may help to prevent issues at work, in relationships and as a parent. I thought my childhood didn't effect me until I was 30 because my triggers made me great at my job (managing people's moods, hypervigilant, perfectionism, etc) so they made me successful. But they also gave me unbearable anxiety, made me depressed and chipped away at my relationships. Identifying my triggers and the cause of them has helped me to change my life. I am happy, stress free and have healthier relationships. I know that I am also blessed to have discovered this before having kids because I refuse to pass this trauma on.
My issues have nothing to do with sexuality but there were interviews from LA Pride with dudes reinventing themselves sin their mid late 40s that were ecstatic about life. I'm 33 so even though sexuality isn't the thing I'm dealing with it was still reassuring to be like "oh so I have like lots of time to do stuff"
Same thing! I'm 19 and I struggle with 10 out of the 11 issues presented in the video on a regular basis, and am finally trying to get something done about it! Only yesterday have I seen a therapist for the first time, and I hope it's a start of something great and a better me. I wish you a successful journey in healing and a great life!
I'm an awe to see someone so young taking the reigns like this! You're inspiring me. I'm looking at this content because I recently became a mom at age 28 and want to unravel myself and my triggers and work on myself for the betterment of my twins.
That refrigerator buzz depression is exactly how I could describe what I feel. I don't have the manic episodes and I don't have the kind where I can't get out of bed. Its just an almost constant minor sadness.
I have that now. It was manic years ago, and medication helped, but now I'm just sad all the time and can't motivate myself to speak to my doctor because meds are expensive.
I was shocked when I found out that there's actually a term for this. It's called "chronic dysthymia."
I'm currently in bed, crying my eyes out. I graduated two days ago. I should be happy but I can't stop crying.
I have dysthymia aka persistent depressive disorder which is what this was like. After talking to my psychiatrist he prescribed me wellbutrin on top of lexapro which helped me tremendously. It brought a zest in life that I never experienced before. I actually started crying because I realized this was what people felt normally. And Im so glad ive come to a point in my life where I can say Im the happiest ive ever been.
I thought this minor sad buzz was a part of my personality. I even used this feeling to create art. It lasted about 30 (!) years. It disappeared during behavioral therapy! I could not believe it. My family told me that I was cooler with my sadness and dark art though. Well, this is what I have for them : 🖕
It wasn’t until my mid to late 20s that I realized I’d been depressed since I was about 11 years old. It’s heartbreaking to come to terms with. I always thought I was happy and easy going. But I realized I was in denial and a people pleaser. Still working on fixing those things… it’s a lot of work. I am so glad I never had kids before figuring out my own trauma. At this point I’m in my early/mid 30s and I may never have kids but I’m glad I didn’t subject children to the aftermath of my own trauma before addressing it.
I hear you. There's so much that's been passed down in my family that does not need to continue. Surely if someone really wants to be a parent, & they do the work of processing & healing their own issues first, I think they can stop the cycle. But there's absolutely nothing wrong w/choosing not to have children either. For some ppl (myself included) it can be the responsible & loving choice.
👍🏻💔
63 and purposely didn’t have kids to break the cycle
Thank you for your post!🙏🏻
Yup. I was 15 when I decided I was NEVER going to have children. I didn't want to "pass on the crazy" the way I felt my parents did.
i remember being a kid and having to meet with a person who wasnt a teacher and i remember them asking me to draw a picture of my home life.i drew a picture of all the little happy aspects i could scrape together and not the verbally/mentally abusive hell i was living in. even at 6 or 7 i knew if i told the truth nothing would happen for my benefit and my parents would find out i told someone what they were doing and my hell would be 100x worse.it didnt dawn on me till i was an adult that i must have been so broken teachers noticed it and asked a therapist to talk to me
My middle school social studies teacher was doing a unit on the American Revolutionary War and the bellringer question that day was "Talk about a time you were treated unfairly or riducle for having a difference of opinion."
My answer was something like "My Mom beat me last week and all of my siblings made fun of me for being beaten and for saying it wasn't fair. I don't think it was fair for them to make fun of me"
I got sent to the counselors a few days later for that answer. When asked about my home life, I lied about it being better than it was. My mom had told me that if I told people what my home life was like I would be taken away by CPS and I'd get abused even worse. I guess I lied convincingly enough because the counselor sent me back to class. I broke down crying in the hallway on my way there and walked into English class with my face was still tear-stained. At the time I genuinely didn't know why I was crying.
In hindesight, I think it was because that was the closest I had ever come to someone validating my emotions. It was the first time anyone came close to saying I didn't deserve the treatment I was receiving.
"Hurry up and reach the elder years super fast."... Literally the mental state I was subconsciously in since middle school. I am now 25 and only just coming out of the fog of it all... Thank you so much for your videos, Patrick, you're really doing God's work over here.
Yup, me too! Middle school to 25 or so I just wanted to get my life done with. Now, at 36, I still can't stay put for many minutes before becoming frustrated with the feeling of being stuck, but at least I'm trying to enjoy the life I'm living at the moment and making long term plans for the future. Hope things settle down for you, mentally!
absolutely! I kept trying to get away and grow up really fast. slowing down and being a kid wasn't really an option.
That was my whole life too! I even told my mum that I wanted to retire even before I started working or finished my first degree!
@@KingOfShadeEmpire get my life done with - exactly! thank you for your kind words, I'm still not in a place I wanted to be at this age, lifewise, but with the help of videos like this I'm slowly untangling what the heck has actually happened to me and getting to the truth about my own life has recently become like a new hobby for me 😉🤣
@@sarag1158 being a kid wasn't really an option - my entire life I had to listen to comments about how "mature" I look and how "wise" I am for my age, and they always said it as if that was a GOOD thing and smth to be proud of, when in reality I was so heavily parentified by my mother I had no idea how a child or a teenager or a "young person" in general should even behave, because phsychologically I never got to be at those stages of life...
I’m so glad there is a place for us to hear and understand these issues!!! Thank you. I’m a 70 year old woman who has been thrown under the buss for childhood trauma, ADHD, depression and suicide in my family. No one has EVER understood me. I’ve lost family members because of this issue, I’ve been divorced, I’ve lost friendships and I’ve wanted to die myself….thank God I’ve lived long enough to know that I’m NOT crazy, there are reasons for why I’m who I am, there are people like me and there is hope and help🙏
Diane you are definitely alright. I'm right behind you at 65 yrs old and trying to still work through things. We've made it this far for a reason.
You are the light in the darkness, when someone else is groping, so thank you and may the rest of your life be "Smooth sailing" just to justify your every breath from here on our.
We must always cling to hope. ❤️
Diane-I am 66. I am so grateful for finding this channel. There are so many things this therapist explains that make me understand once again how horrific my childhood was. It’s also comforting (and yet sad) to see the posts of so many viewers who have also experienced a lot of abuse and neglect, especially in childhood. It makes me feel less alone, and less different. ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story. Mine is almost identical to yours. I'm grateful you're still here with us 🙌🏽💪🏽🙏🏽 Never forget Phil 4:13 ❤️
This was immensely helpful. Here are my notes:
#1 Emotional Delay
(something happens during the day that should make you feel sad/angry/etc, but you don't feel it until that night)
#2 Rushing nowhere
#3 Refrigerator Buzz Depression
(Constant underlying depression)
#4 Being Tired Is a Trigger (depression when getting tired, confuse being tired with failing, going to bed feels like you are alone or abandoned, being tired triggers us to feel sad so we try to keep going, FOMO)
#5 Chameleon Don't Mix
(Able to adapt to others all the time, but missing our own identity; hiding coworkers that we don't like from our friends; surviving trauma can be about keeping things separate) start to introduce others to each other, talk to yourself about what can happen if people meet each other
#6 On the Spot Dissociation
(Checking out when attention is put on us, Irvin Yalom, not being given any space, parents themselves are not comfortable being seen) find safe people to talk about your emotions, record yourself, dialogue with inner child about what happens to you when you need to be seen, be seen more and longer
#7 Laughing about the pain
(Too casual, joking about bad situations that have happened to you, inner child doesn't know how to take things seriously since your parents didn't take it seriously) be mindful of this tendency, start talking about what happened to you a bit more seriously, learn how to feel the anger and grief
7 types of toxic family systems
#8 Crying valve
(Either can't cry or can't stop crying, shut down and can't access grief vs volcanic explosion overwhelming you with grief, 2 survival strategies: shut down or cry for help) EMDR, DBT for emotional regulation, finding support where you can talk about the numbness while staying present, dialogue with the inner child - what happens when you start to cry, etc?
#9 Glass Frog
(Feeling completely transparent when you are socially around others, feeling raw and exposed, comes from children think adults are almost omnipotent, highly hype critical parents, feeling like you're already in trouble with the world) picture a bubble around you about your own autonomy and anonymity, work with a therapist on naming the shame that comes up with this
#10 Sideways grief or rage
(Don't realize how low or threshold is until a small thing happens and you lose it, reserve well of pain and grief comes out sideways when we are triggered, your body remembers) find safe people to process what happened with, make notes on your phone about when things come out sideways and why, dialogue and journal to be in touch with what is going on in the present before things blow out sideways
#11 Waiting games
(Mood dependent behavior, I will do X when Y happens, a strategy to avoid pain, sign of being in our inner child who is waiting for things to get better while not taking any action, in the overlap with ADHD, comes from not being parented, experiencing emotional abuse in childhood, emotionally shamed for not meeting up to expectations) be more and more aware of how your inner child believes that taking action can only happen in the perfect moment or after certain things happen, explore how you were parented (ie. Bedtimes, getting things done, etc)
Thank you for this summary! I usually go though & take notes but this overview is great!
Thank you so much! ❤
Thank you! ❤
Nice work!!! Thank you!
3,6,7,8,11 damn 5/11 :/
Patrick, I've been watching your videos and you have motivated me to get therapy and work on my issues. Today I booked an appointment for next week.
Thanks!
So many of these feel familiar to me. I started therapy a few months ago and my therapist still needs to ask me why I'm laughing about something she finds quite disturbing. No one took my emotions seriously. I feel like I was just there to soothe other people - adults and children. If I was sad or wanted to set a boundary, I was a selfish girl. It's quite hard to face all of these repressed emotions now. Thank you so much for these videos! They're really helpful.
I watched a documentary about Dave Navarro called Mourning Son. His mother was murdered by her boyfriend. One of his ways of coping with things is by having a very dark sense of humor. He said sometimes people think he's a bad person because of the jokes he makes. He tried to explain that it isn't that he thinks the things he's joking about are funny, he looks for humor in a situation.
I have a very dry sense of humor. One guy actually told me I needed to let people know I was making a joke. I said, "where's the fun in that?"
That makes sense. So good for you to be healing and growing. Good job. Your emotions matter. Don’t be afraid of them. We all have them and they are so useful in life. I hope you learn how to use them better and access your unique strength and vulnerability. ❤️
Like laughing or smiling is the only way to exist. I smile but not because I'm actually happy. I just have the energy to hide. Everyone talks about how I'm always happy and smiling. And the moment it drops its like I'm the worst person or my dog must have been hit by a car because how dare I not smile. This has followed me into jobs. People don't realize that part of being at work especially retail or food service is faking a smile. And you can make a smile look real with enough practice. It hurts knowing that I don't know how to exist as I am. I wouldn't even know where to start.
For many years I laughed about the horrors that was my young life. My therapists would ask me why am I laughing about such horrible things. And I'd laugh some more. 😂 Recently, for the first time with a new therapist I cried when I was telling her about just one of the horrible things that I survived. I wonder if I'll cry again.
@@Lady_Mstikal because to you its normal. Only after someone tells you it isn't okay that you can recognise it. Even if it hurt you it was still your normal.
Patrick, no one "gets it" like you. I have tried to look into so many resources related to childhood trauma and you are the only one that really makes me feel validated and understood. I would love to see more content around childhood emotional neglect and abandonment issues specifically.
i subbed to patrick bc hes fucking fantastic and now i avoid watching his videos because they hit too close to home
Agreed. Personally I'd like to see a video in regards to single parent neglect specifically, because it's so emotionally complicated. My mom did her best with a shitty situation but that doesn't mean I didn't wind up neglected in my formative years
We needed an inside man!
@@henyo5409 you are being truly seen and witnessed. Your suffering seen and witnessed. Sometimes it is too much. At a certain time, it is too much. I hear your healing as you I read your message. I hear you getting in touch with your wisdom to know you need just sit with what you’ve heard and take in no more for now.
You remind me of one of my brothers. Unfortunately they don’t go this road.
Sadly there’s plenty of assholes out here- females included. I don’t know what people call female assholes….There are those in professional positions etc. Part of my healing is being seeing them with less fear, getting closer to trusting myself, not taking them on like I used to- a justice fighting scapegoat. I’m dealing with people to do with my daughter who needs extra help. So of course I’ll advocate for her.. the world continues, more knowledge, training and accountability is far from foolproof. our best hope is a kind of internal strengthening. Patrick sees, knows and shares in ways that helps so many.
For anyone who celebrates Easter. Happy Easter. As a kid and teen I hung onto it privately as a thing of hope and internal resistance to my destruction. Of course that put way too much pressure on me, the introspection of over responsibility
Agreed. I love Patrick’s content !! ❤
I grew up in kind of an "anti-love" environment, where interactions were a lot like sitcom interactions. This affected all of us kids, I think. I did not know the sarcasm wasn't normal until I married my very loving husband. Hopefully, we have broken this cycle with our kids, who know how to be loving in a non-cynical way.
Reminds me of my manager…his sarcasm is top tier
God this is so relatable and also so specific
@@unsonnopronfondo I should have mentioned that we still really appreciate sarcasm in it's appropriate place. 😏
@@Alien_at_Large yes indeed! same thing here. but growing up just hearing sarcasm most of the time was truly soo confusing and mind-fucking sometimes lmao 😫
Same here. I am funny as hell and have a sharp tongue from growing up in our house….but I have always been sensitive, and for years I REFUSED to be vulnerable around my family because they just didn’t have the same boundaries as me. In turn, they felt like I was fake. That really hurt. They made fun of me for everything, which was confusing for me, because we were told not to tease each other. Also, I am ND(we didn’t know then) I am in my 40s and finally realizing that it wasn’t just annoying, it gave me a major complex. The older I get, the more things I have to forgive and let go…but what when you let it all go, you are still left with something that you still have to deal with. 🤷🏾♀️
I was raised by a bi-polar suicidal mother. Would glare & not talk to me for days. Was isolated also from friends & school being in hospital frequently for asthma. The environment my total world. I am 74 & have had therapy & EMDR but these issues are very much still a part of my life. Some family members express it was a long time ago & you were loved! My mother did commit suicide when I was an adult. Frustrated I can’t just feel it was a long time ago… & I’ve been in therapy most of my adult life. Thankful for this video! Lots to process & hope I can heal my inner child…
My wife and I are both childhood abuse victims. We have been able to look out for one another since practically day one. We instinctively understood one another and she is the best thing that ever happened to me besides our daughters.
I'm proud to say we have broken the cupycles in our own families but the war is never over. Every day is a battle but we support one another. We get tired and upset and angry, but we do not say hateful things ever), and physical abuse will never be tolerated by either of us.
We are co dependent for sure but we try not to get brought down.
Ditto for my husband and myself. But I still have buried doubts that we parented our daughter as well as we think we did? I don’t think that she would ever feel free to tell us if we didn’t, so I am riddled with insecurity on that point. Have you ever felt that way?
So happy that you both found people to heal with and love!! ❤
That's awesome and all what if you really like slapping the fuck out of girls in bed and you date women who like that too? I still don't honestly know if this is good or bad.
It sounds more interdependent than codependent to me, what do you think? Do you let one another have your own feelings and independent thoughts without making it about you? I love to hear about couples who love and support one another like you two do!
I love this ❤ we are all sea glass. Beaten up but more beautiful than ever 😊
would love to see a video about the other side of "rushing nowhere", too much chill. that's exactly where i am, a lot of anxiety and feeling like i'm in a hurry and i'm gonna fail, but to some degree 'unable' to do anything. i'd love to hear about this and where it comes from
me too. i'm exactly the same as you, word for word.
I think this is a "Freeze" response, as in fight, flight, freeze, fawn
This is exactly what I feel too!
Well at least I'm not the only one that's been feeling this for years, I feel stuck and I want to move I just can't force myself, I hate it.
yea me too, that’s exactly how I feel, glad i’m not alone in this lol.
I spent 40 years of my life confused and thinking I was the crazy person of my family. After my mom passed away, I learned she was a narcissist . I am slowly starting to unwind the complicated web of deceit and abuse. All of this video resonates. It took my mom passing away for a lot of these childhood trauma issues to finally make sense.
I am waking up to this now but my mom is an up and about and healthy 75. How are you doing with knowing what you know now? It’s eating me alive.
Jennette mccurdys book Im glad my mom died is amazing in going into detail about things like this. I hope you can find some peace with what happened to you 🤍
@@melinamenard4704Well if she lives in a hardwood floor house, you could try polishing the floors real nice and sleek.
@@gummy5862 Why?
Same! Except mine is alive, but has dementia, doesn't know who we are anymore. Must be hell living like that.
I asked my mom when I was about 5 yrs. Old..Why do you hate me mommy? She beat my as in the hallway and said get in your room and stay in your room.
I left at 20 yrs old. I Let my brother the golden child take care of that tormentor in her old age. 😊.
Laurie, my heart goes out to you. My father hated me, my mother was too busy saving herself...I too, let my golden child sister take care of them when they both got dementia.
This is the first time I find someone talking about fear around going to bed/sleep. I have a severe case of that. Sometimes to the point of meltdowns. Also confusing being tired with being depressed or something being wrong with me. I am autistic with high masking levels and I’m usually beyond overstimulated by the end of the day, so it all adds up. Thank you for this.
I feel this way when someone else wants to sleep as well. I can usually go to sleep at night, but I beat myself up if I don't wake up early and I definitely do not like being tired during the day when I'm supposed to be productive. If my husband wants to sleep early or during the day even though he works a lot something about it makes me very uneasy. I remember also feeling this way as a child when adults would be tired.
I related to that too.. fo what I can remember, I mostly slept in front of the tv because I was afraid of being alone. Actually, I'm still somewhat afraid, at 33. It's pretty hard to spend the day without some youtube, podcast, or music when I don't have people interacting with me. At the same time, I'm all of the time somewhat overwhelmed. But I think I'm pretty good at masking too. Not autism though, but ADHD, probably. It's a struggle and also hard to (self) validate. If it makes sense...
Definitely feel the uneasiness when others are trying to sleep too. The quiet place when others are asleep and I can’t fall asleep is a frequent upsetting situation for me. I am really curious about what that is about. I am told I have had bed time meltdowns since I was a kid too.
I felt that too! Omg I sleep in like 3-4 hour cat naps. Never REALLY sleeping deep.. unless I have been up for days with only on set of naps withing 2 days.. by day 6 I'm absolute mess. I can barely function, but I cannot sleep. I don't want to. That's when it was dangerous at my house. This was so on point
Yes! I don't fall asleep I pass out from exhaustion. I talked to my doctor about my highly functioning anxiety and she gave me Clonazepam, my brain slowed down and I fall asleep now and I've been sleeping better.its been a few weeks but I feel so much better. I've had issues with depression meds making me gain weight or bad side effects but this one is finally working for me and I don't feel like I can't sleep because I'm thinking about everything I didn't do.
I had the biggest emotional breakdown and rage episode I’ve had in my life yesterday. I didn’t realize how traumatized I really am. I can relate to so much of this.
I understand that completely. Then the disbelief of how the hell someone didnt stop all that trauma and protect. It's blown me away too when it all came out of the place I hid it!😮
Ooo, sorry to hear that. I hope some positivity comes from your realization. Love to you. 🙏❤️
😂 I suffer from cptsd. About a month ago that happened to me too! No longer the "nice" girl, I finally cracked.
I yelled and I screamed and called the person who was attempting to bully me an "F... ing ****"
Then I went even more psycho and what I was saying didn't even make sense! 😮
In fact, by this time I was actually out of my body and watching it all from the ceiling. 🙃
I expected harsh repercussions, but guess what?
All I got was RESPECT.
Honestly, the world is so depraved, that no-one cares if you're suffering.
I still feel weird (and embarrassed) about it - but thank God it happened.
So far only good has come out of this "little" incident.
Sending hugs! 💚❤️💙
@@needmolewisI literally told my mom when I was 17 that I took 7 pills, it was my call for help & I sent her a long essay email when I was 14 saying how depressed I was!!!!!! SHE NEVER GOT ME HELP & now here I am at 22 years old probably going to just end this life & it sucks because she’s so different now. She’s never been this attentive when I needed her the most & acts like she never traumatized me
I had exactly that...Ifew days ago... I been thinking what is considered trauma ?
I cried at a stranger’s wedding for absolutely no reason. I was just a +1 for my friend and didn’t know any of the people there. Talk about sideways responses. And I never cry where people can see me. The event totally confused me to the point where I’m afraid to go to another wedding lol. I think it was knowing I lack that sort of family warmth and pride and sociability. I was looking at something I thought would never happen for me.
I remember being at a wedding of a couple I didn't know very well of my then girlfriend and felt the same exact way!
Same here. Except instead of crying, I find myself snickering and cringing at family warmth and love. For example, when the bride dances with her father or a sibling gets up to give a speech. I'm so jaded.
@@smitha5022cringe
Aww😢 I just want to hug you because I can relate.
I relate to this experience. I was a +1 at a wedding and I started crying uncontrollably and had to run to the toilets and lock myself in a cubicle until I could calm down. I was hit by the loving family and community at the event and a sense of complete grief and absence of that in my own life experiences and how desperately I longed for that - after years of automatic self-reliance, independence and self-inflicted isolation.
1:18 It always always happens to me. I do not know whether I'm being taken advantage of or disrespected or degraded. At the end of the day I go to my room and ruminate and ruminate to come up with a solution.
The anti love family is what i grew up in and I always thought I was just an over emotional crybaby. It is both heartbreaking and comforting to know that it was not normal. If you ever do or have done a full video on that specific family dynamic that would be amazing. I think it would help my brother a lot as well. I hope everyone reading this finds healing
I’ve often said, “We didn’t say the L word in our family"
Not much here either. My mother and her mother hate each other, like just plain hate each other. I would think that by now(45), I would have heard about any "event" that occurred, but it really just seems like they are two of those people that cannot ever get along even though I've seen both trying. It's almost like magnets, and neither is like this to other people.
Thankfully my mother and I get along wonderfully, and so do my grandmother and I, and neither has ever tried to use me against the other or speaks particularly ill of the other.
All of this made it difficult for my mother to understand love, and in turn show love. We've come a long way in our communication, which is great because the love is there, just not communicated well until more recently.
Communication is vitally important and is opening opportunities in my life that I couldn't see were even there.
🕊️❤🍀🧠🎶💪
He has, actually! That's where I first heard of it. ruclips.net/video/upAdaOmiRX8/видео.htmlsi=WL05Nwylqopzx5zP
My father never ever hugged me as a child but loved me more than anything. The best I’d get is sometimes he’d rub my head like I’m a dog and that meant everything to me. My mother wasn’t much more touchy feely either. I think us siblings introduced hugging post our 20’s.
Yes. I was 40 when I started realizing just how toxic my nuclear family is. Even now, when we are together, I disassociate. It's a sad affair. But at least now, I am aware of it. ❤❤
"you can't really downward dog your way through depression" might be one of the funniest and most helpful expressions I've heard. Thanks for making me laugh with myself, and thanks for this video. I find it really interesting and helpful 👍🙏
😆😆 i love this downward dog statement too!
agreed!
As a yoga instructor, I instantly laughed at that too! Precious! ❤
I was actively fighting my way out of all these patterns in my 20s then I got into an abusive relationship that destroyed all my work. Now I'm in my 30s trying to undo all the damage.
❤❤❤
Sending you lots of love and strength🫂❤️
Big applause for the work you did and are doing again. Do not short-change giving yourself credit for that. It can be hard to get to the place of doing that work again. That usually means ending the relationship, but if not, being super determined to forge your own way.
I did the same thing, except for a couple decades further on.
I was so screwed up in my late teens & 20s, and it took years of self-work that especially became productive when I was about 30 yo.
When I finally started feeling like I was doing pretty well, I thought I was finally strong & "ready" to be in a relationship. At 34, got involved with someone younger who ultimately was revealed to be abusive.
I realized all my self-work was in moving out of my stuck/frozen, procrastinating patterns and moving toward my own desires.
I had not realized that I needed to learn a lot about what kind of criteria/standards I needed and deserved for choosing a potential partner. I only hoped I might be acceptable to someone that seemed like a good match, chemistry-wise, to me.
The abuse slowly pulverized my sense of self and control of my life. Everything undone.
You will heal ❤and thrive 🌿
Lol
Wow, I'm 73 years old & this is the first time I have ever heard every aspect of my life reactions described one after the other. It's a little late for me to get help to overcome these things, but it was so comforting to know there is a reason for my ways of behaving. Thank you!
When he said “ you’re not a sociopath because you can’t start crying it’s just trauma” (something like that) made me feel so much better. 23:55
wow i normalized nearly all of my trauma. I'm shocked at how many of these childhood trauma issues i relate to. thank you for this video
same..
For years, whenever I heard people laughing I always thought it was about me.
These videos really help, thank you for helping me see what is really happening when I react to life in these weird ways.
I get that Tracy. When I was young and someone complimented me... I was always waiting for the punchline.
Omg I thought I was the only one who felt this when others laugh. Thanks for sharing that Tracy
I relate to this so hard wow
I'm So glad I heard this is one of his past videos - when I did, I was blown away and wondered how much of my "weird quirks" were actually a result of my family trauma in childhood. I even played that section of the video for my partner, bc it was so meaningful for me, and before hearing it I would've been too embarrassed to admit to it bc it sounds So paranoid!
You're not alone, only in my case I was right.
We need more people to understand depression, neglect, and abuse
I'd love to hear your thoughts on the opposite of #4: Where all you want to do is sleep and daydream all day (probably because dreaming is the perfect escape from reality).
Its called maladaptive daydreaming. That's what i did a lot of during my childhood. Use to pretends that a stuffed animal was my mom that loved me.
I read books all the time and didn’t hear anything around me as a child. I still do.
@@cicin9313I’ve literally been in this state for years, how can I get out of it?
@@roronoazoro2970 find a safe place and people to Feel and Express your emotions.
@@RitaP41 I’ve been trying, that’s the hard part finding people that will genuinely care about you
I’m so glad you brought up neurodivergence and how certain things might manifest differently and the overlapping of things like hyperactivity and hyper vigilance bc trauma is so common for neurodivergent folk too
Yes
Definitely #10 for me. Does anyone else find journaling difficult? It's so exhausting for me to sit down and write out my thoughts and feelings.
This issue makes it incredibly difficult to be a writer in general.
Ya, and I type with so many errors that just the thought of fixing them all is daunting; so I don't t type either.
Absolutely...I was referred to a therapis. I was having a bad day. Lots of anxiety over see seeing yet another therapist. I told her that I was unable to journal and use a workbook because I couldn't concentrate. She said that she used a workbook in her therapy.
I told her that , raising my voice, as I do when I feel I'm not being heard, any way, I told her that I had a therapist that. used a workbook and I was unable to work my way through it. Her response "well then I won't be able to help you." Good therapists are few and far between as well as very expensive.
@@northernpianotuner3319speak, speak into a microphone and play it back to decide how best you want to write it. I'm saying this as I have recordings that I have NEVER listened to again 😂😢
Absolutely hate journaling. Even as a kid using my diary. I've figured out that being given a diary from my parents as a gift was just a trap for them to find out what you are thinking and feeling and then using it against me. Yet somewhere random like here, I'll write a novel! Ugh
i’m being called out right now and i didn’t even realize i had these responses because i have repressed my trauma so far because i felt like it wasn’t “big” enough but it is especially when i have talked to others about it seriously
It's the first time in my life I feel like I am not insane for functioning the ways you described. I feel like I lived alone in a secret world I couldn't tell anyone and you just showed me there's a whole city living here too. Thank you so much
Thank you for describing how I feel!
Same here man
you are never alone. i mean this in the most reassuring way possible, there are very few original or isolated human experiences. mental illness and trauma would want you to believe that you are the only one who has ever felt the ways you feel because it allows it to fester. I wish you luck in finding the answers you need ❤❤
Literally. I really just believed I was the only crazy😢.
Who says youre not insane? Sounds like everyone is
I’ve often joked about the abuse in our family, and have quoted my mother, thinking what she said was normal. I wasn’t prepared for people to look appalled at the insane stoicism expected of us. It helped me realize that the woman who “othered” me all my life, and made me the family home, was not quite normal, herself.
When award or contest winners on TV thanked their mothers, I thought they were joking. I began to get irritated that they all repeated the same damn joke.
Oops. Turns out my mother was unusually vicious.
I "lived in emergency" all the time. Useful term for always living in hypervigilence & preparedness.
@@susanhawkes2519 Sometimes, I wonder if we’re nearing a time in history when hyper-vigilance will be a superpower. We’ve maintained situational awareness from before we could talk, and we have skills. Have you ever noticed that you get a bad feeling off people everyone else liked? I’ve quit letting them talk me out of it, because I’ve been right too many times.
@@bethmoore7722 I'm right with you here and in your original comment . We can heal but I suppose we are all "wired" a bit differently.. some more wired , pun intended:/
At the very core at least ,our innate "fight or flight" instinct is intact with a very ON nervous system.
(And I always had an apprehension about anyone that to have what I call 'fan friends' ,like they rave about how great this person is and are almost offended at any neg word about them even when they aren't close to the person. ¿ I just let them and others fall away ,not feeding into it .
Sideways grief got me so hard likeee i will just break down over things after feeling perfectly fine prior
Communications with my Mom often is like reliving childhood trauma again and again. Also, interactions with siblings.
We just don't relate on an emotional level and struggle with intimacy. For many, their physical needs were pretty good and not emotional needs (Neglected).
And you can attempt to discuss it but for the most part they're oblivious to these underlying issues. Very frustrating! (Painful)
The inability to truly listen and demonstrate empathy is like going to a well again and again then there essentially being nothing.