you said it i just had one call the cops on me to get me out of his house and have my car taken away because he was paying me to clean and me and my cat as he knows live in the car he was helping me anyway when i did go out with him years ago i never knew he was this way i think his drinking and medications have thrown him into a tailspin over the years hes lost it but he didnt win the cops only cared about me he never got to see me taken away he saw his little plan fail but i cant go back oh well its a blessing in disquise lol
I was about to do all that until he said, ‘its not my fault, it’s your fault’, and then that enraged me and I had to fight back and explain why it’s not my fault 😭😭
I am going through a divorce, after 32 years of marriage. 1 and 1/2 years ago, I got into my bed, crawled up in the fetal position, and asked God to help me. When I woke up, my iPad was on, and it was Dr. RAMINI! I had never heard of narcissistic abuse. She has literally saved my life! Thank you!
I'm one year out from a 32 year marriage. I'm rebuilding and doing self care. My body is still recovering from keeping the score for so long. I am in a better place but I realize that I am forever changed. Seek support from family, friends or professionals. Educate yourself on the red flags AND the green flags. Go slow and find a path that works toward your happiness.
Comoon, dont quit so easily😢 Go back to that healthy releationship and work things out. Narcist are really good listeners, they are calm, not use abusive language, never try to break you. This is becose they have hearth of gold and they allways, ALLWAYS value you more than they value themselves. In their life they see you more like position of lord. Ok guys, hopefully i made you understand that u are in good hands
@@susanharris3552yes, it changes our personality because in this relationship we lose ourselves. That's the worst thing to happen to anyone. Life was never easy with a narcissist. Unfortunate for me, that I had to deal with the whole family full of narcissists (my wife and her family members). No contact is the best solution to stay away from the narcissist. I too didn't know the word narcissist untiYl did a reverse engineering of what actually I went through. ChatGPT threw the word narcissist and I started reading more about them. I suffered much for 15 years. Female narcissists are the worst. She stole away everything!! Recently I started watching videos of Tim Fletcher & I think you too should. It will reveal why we got into such a relationship and also our weaknesses. I hope all of you heal and recover soon. God bless you 🙏. I too am healing, but I have come half way through. I surrendered to God and I think that's the best thing to do. 😊
You got it. Husband's mom a covert narcissist always blame shifts and hates I don't have a job of her choosing. She can't brag in her eyes about me cuz I'm a hostess . I've been in the restaurant work since I was 19
My daughter is one she got angry when she was 17 she didn't barely go to school she tried to stab me I protected myself CPS took her out blamed me cops said I was in the right for kicking her off of me she's taller than me She's I'm not sure what kind she lies about everything and even her health or her personality if family or people in general stick to her lies and attention everything is attention she will disowned you she even got CPS take her her kid and lied saying that me and aunts are abusive so I can't adopt him As her father was the same way 💀 gaslighting they both do that And then my father is narcissistic abusive controlling...I live 5 states So I'm the smaller ,smaller never say what I need so I'm so anxious with everything
@@Shortgirlproblems3791 I'm SO sorry that this has happened to you and it seems to still be happening. Find a battered women's shelter or counselor where you can express what is going on in a safe environment and get the help you need. If they refuse, keep banging on doors until one opens that will listen to you. You ARE worth the effort to heal!💔💗💖
Married a Narcissist at 22. Love bombing to the max prior to the wedding. First physical violence-on the wedding night. Left after 18 months with the help of his mother who said she didn’t want me to end up like she had. Never looked back. Sharpened my wits and made me a better judge of character.
Wow was my first thought too! I am wondering if the mother in law knew just how evil her son was but was hoping he changed. I have come to the conclusion, some people are so evil and detestable you can't even talk about it, because you don't believe anyone would believe you. I lived it also and after 24 years being divorced, it still affects me in my thoughts and bad dreams.
Wow! My first SA was also on the wedding night! I was 17, and it was 39 years ago 😞. I hid it because I was so confused and then because we had children I didn’t want him to go to prison.
Nobody take Narcissist serious illnes, nobody and its extremely dangerous. Need cure, not like all medicine Control so all people need buy over and over, scientist are very smart to not to make Cure, so all people have to buy over and over will not good salary, when they will stopped that, people need Cure, not prevent, we need totally Cure.
Well, this is why I should kill myself. I've been severely mistreated and verbally/emotionally abused by a narcissistic mother who strives too much on perfectionism and inconsistent parenting consistently, and now can't fucking function straight by 2022. I'm fucking done with life!
@@rhym8882 most narcissists ...u cannot reason with them because they will gaslight u ...trven tho the situation is their fault...u are the one in the wrong ...they cannot admit they are wrong
A waste of my precious time and energy which they demanded but was never enough. Whenever I finally got away from spending time with him, it took days to recover... 8 months gone just like that, some how you lose track of time. Never experienced anything like it... never again! 😢
I used to think something was wrong with me because when I’d come home from my ex’ I’d feel exhausted with no energy, and I’d look like a mess. I’m out of that relationship just recently, it’s going to take time for some healing 💕
Yes spent 9 hours with mine and I was soooooo drainedddddd … when you spend time with someone you’re supposed to look forward to spending more time with them- but I dreaded it !
Yep. Because it’s never about the subject matter at hand. Any disagreement is a mandate for them to assert dominance at any cost. One of the saddest things about being married to one is that you couldn’t safely talk about anything from a place of reality. Which makes intimacy impossible. No shared history, it’s all a malleable fantasy to suite their immediate needs. Which is typically dominance and superiority.
I know exactly what you mean "Street angel, House devil" that's what that's called My dad is the same way People think he is the nicest person in the entire world, he's so cute. He's adorable. He's so funny. Then he gets home "speak F-ing English! I can't understand anything you say!"....... yeah so sweet
This process IS full of grief. The depth of the pain, knowing that you will NEVER have a true connection with them, is SO PAINFUL. The most alone I ever feel is with this person.
My narcissistic husband yelled at me that I had to take responsibility for our marriage problems. I said, “I married the wrong man.” He said, “I told you it’s your fault!”
I wont say my parents were narcissists but when Dr. Ramani said "The child is basically put into a position to serve the parent, rather than the parent protecting the child.... When that child goes up into adulthood... Be small and not show up in their whole self." It seemed to connect. I had to break free from a bond from the judgement of my parents, but one in particular who loves to say how other people should live, especially the children, based on fear. The influence parents have on their children can not be underestimated.
Agreed! That hit me too. For me, my father would punish me for upsetting my mother, saying "You can't talk to your mother like that," and it always being about her tears and hurt and never MY tears or hurt, even when I was an actual child! I hope you have been able to find truer love than your parents could provide. It took me a long time to learn how to be vulnerable with anyone, but now I'm able to support and be supported by my loving friends.
THe crazy world has an influece on them it is made by our government CIA made this web we live in on line that controls what we can know. I did my best as a parent and it still is not working out in a way I can feel good about it. Early 20s what do you know? You still got a lot to know, Bring trouble instead of a blessing as God said something dark has leached on.
@@sarahs472I actually verbalized this to a friend recently, stating how I was surprised my father took my mother’s position instead of the child’s position.
I react internally as if I have a severe allergy/rash when I am around a narcissist for very long. Agitated, uncomfortable, volitile, anxious, angry. It can feel like I am getting upset for NO reason, but if I then remove myself and revisit the interaction in my mind review, then suddenly the subtle signs show up. If my body didn't react, I would miss all the hidden covert ones.
@ChristianOne exactly I know exactly the feelings. I get anxious sick can't eat have to go to bathroom stomach feel like I want to run . Then anger overflows
@@simonanardi4312 My ex actually explained it to me. He told me that any time he interacts with anyone, all he cares about is "outwitting" them. For him, outwitting usually meant either putting them down and making them feel dumb by being overly critical and pointing out any "flaws" they have (like the time he told me I'm cutting an onion wrong), or simply lying to their face and feeling smarter when the person believes their lies (he was so addicted to this that he would lie any time I asked him what time it was). They want to feel superior, they want to be the smartest person in the room at all times. What he didn't understand or just didn't care about is that being demeaning and being a great liar isn't the same as being intelligent. After he told me that, he sheepishly laughed and said "that's sick isn't it?" Literally the only time in 16 years of marriage that he did an ounce of self reflection.
"They are not interested in the truth they are interested in bashing you" and "This is never going to be the deep connected intimate relationship" is excellent wisdom.
Same here. Crazy to have a long term friendship not realizing what a narcissist that person really was until recently. Whew, how freeing to just walk away. Now for me to begin the work that is ahead for me.
Yeah I had this, we shared work, good friends, until I started to realise, then when i started shutting him down, the confusion in him and shock that someone would dare stand up to them, silly man. When I turned off the energy supply, man did he turn nasty, well he tried. Top tip for narcs, don't try and victim someone who'll pull your arms off. Strange people these ones, very sad it's how they feel they have to behave.
Yes! I knew it wasn't right but didn't know the name. I started recognizing the attention seeking part a few months ago and reduced the attention she was asking for. She immediately moved onto someone else who would give that attention. Glad I realized what it was.
Sure does. Look on the positive- you finally found out the truth. They can’t keep lying to you.👍🏽. And hopefully you’ve learnt skills to recognise another one to avoid them. 👍🏽
I learned about a personality disorder called OCPD, and that it is often comorbid with narcissism, and it blew my mind to see the diagnosable traits. Very controlling of self and others.
@@jmfs3497 also dissociative identity disorder is has a high correlation with malignant narcissism. they do not recall their heinous actions because it was another identity that did it it, probably you did it because they project their negative actions onto the one who is nearest.
@GigaGoo if you can manage your relationship without being drawn into your friend's stories or being taken advantage of, you're fine. It's not like he or she has a contagious disease. Just be very aware of gaslighting and the twisting of facts, especially when they involve other people. Take everything with a grain of salt.
A narc will have you crazy! I dealt with one a year and omg I’m so glad I’m out of that mess. It’s so sad they can’t see something wrong with themselves and try to fix it. If you’re dealing with this kind of person I’m telling you to get out, a waste of your time!!!
I'm on the way of cutting off with a narc aunt, and trying to convince my granny to do the same, since she's one of the main victims of these horrible people. I tried to get her out of our home for years since the first moment that woman crossed one of the many lines she crosses and my granny didn't want to because "poor her, she doesn't have a job, how could she get a roof where to sleep?" And I always told her "Granny, she's a lawyer, she has hidden money. She can survive in her own".
Exactly. The world is more than a twisted little human in a twisted little place. Catch a train. Journey into the world. Enjoy. You are not dependent on anyone only yourself. It takes one step - and no, You don't need to buy books telling you who and what you are, or take classes to free yourself. It takes a decision. One single decision, to step out. I know.
Kind of.. but my covert ex was a careful planner and plotter, much more so than many of the overts. He might have been closer to a psycopath, but his talent at sneakiness was unmatched by any other narcissists I have met. I have found coverts to be the most dangerous type by FAR because they operate in ways that always leave room for plausible deniability. He was plotting my murder in a way he would never be caught. And he had AWESOME social skills. He just started on the low rung of society so he had trouble catching lots of "big fish" to get enough supply to confidently become overt in his methods.
I hope you found peace. I'm just now coming into rational acceptance of my new reality of 29 years of marriage, and the binders have revealed, I'm living with a narcissist.
Sister in law is a communal Narcissist. Stood in judgement over me. Toe tapping arms crossed, nose in the air. I didn't know what Narcissism was at the time but I wrote her an emotional letter as to how hard I was trying to be on good terms with her and how frustrating it was to have her behave so negatively toward me. She viewed it as a poison pen letter and hung onto her silent treatment grudge against me for 45 years. Looking back, wow....best thing I ever did was to initiate her removal from my life. I chalk it up to gut instinct.
My sister was my best friend,until she got in a relationship, I was abandoned ,when I breached my hurt she woukd yell at me calling me jealous ,im in my own relationship and woukd have never have done that to her,hurtful knowing she didn't even care
Yes I was blinded too. I thought I was crazy. I kept praying to God to help me be a better wife. Every day my husband always complained he was unhappy with me and I need to work my character flaws. I stayed stressed trying to do the right thing and not upset him. I walked on egg shells. Then one I couldn’t stop crying for a month and walked out of a 7 year marriage. I am in the middle of a divorce. I found one of the Doctors videos on signs your dealing with a narcissist. I was set free. I chose no contact. He has done everything the videos said he would do from love bombing, telling friends how bad I’ve done him, hovering, self pity, guilt and call him back it is very very important. I have not responded because it is all lies. He has even apologized to me numerous of times that he now see what he was doing to me in our marriage. Lies upon lies. In seven years of marriage now he see the error of his ways. I am not buying it.
@radawson1018 yes I am now trusting my gut. I ignored my gut for years I thought something was wrong with me. I needed to work more on my flaws my husband stayed unhappy with me but would say I was a good wife my head was spinning. My eyes are opened now.
@MrsEd-fh2gsif you can move you should. This person you are dealing with is never going to stop. Try to accept it and do whatever you can to be safe and be happy. This is not your fault. Trust me, people do care about you but they know they can not help you. Nobody can. This person you are dealing with is never going to stop. I'm sorry. You are not alone.
17:05 The situation is actually more complex than that. They sometimes show a lot of love and empathy, like really feeling bad when someone else has hurt your feelings. Like beyond a doubt genuine empathy, no acting. Then, suddenly, on a different day, in a completely neutral non-confrontational setup, suddenly there's a switch like a Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde switch and they become a cole mean monster shredding you to bits with their words, laughing and mocking coldly. That's like two different people, and is very confusing for the victim. Especially the genuine earnest apologies.
I can wholeheartedly relate to this. The monster within isn’t shown for a while, and the positive memories with them seem so real, I still can’t decide if they were acting or not from the start because it really didn’t seem like it. There was a switch with my person too, and it hurt like hell to watch bright blue eyes turn to black.
Mine just ignores me. We can sit in the same room for hours and he won’t say a word. I might as well be single. He doesn’t touch me unless he thinks he can get lucky. He acts like he isn’t even with me out in public. On the rare occasion he does touch me in public it is generally inappropriate like grabbing my butt or nibbling my neck. Unexpected things that I can’t anticipate and stop before they happen. I’m too old for nonsense. I’m praying for a way out.
You are describing Dissociative Identity Disorder. Eventually therapists will make the connection with NPD . The two diagnosis are twins. DID is considered rare, but is really common once the recognition of behaviors is made.
My entire family has been destroyed by this. I figured it out, and now I'm removed from it. It's a total relief. At first I struggled with guilt, but no longer do. I am freed from what is truly demonic oppression. The power is back in my hands. Praise God!
Many people are becoming Narsissist. To experience one, you must be in a relationship 1st. Then you can spot them after the marriage. It's better to remain single. Even Royal marriages too have Narsissist partners, but it's by God's mercy Prince William was exposed. Today he repented. And God will now be able to put his family back together again. For Harry, he made a choice to serve MM not God's people. So Harry is coiled up by the snake head, MM. No longer easy as Harry IS much needed to fool King Charles 3 to try to get back into the RF & this time, at fast speed destroy God's future plan for Britain. King Charles 3 has appointed Princess Royale as The Queen. Just waiting for King' s abdication to protect the British people & the continuation of the late QE2 legacy. The sooner this can be done, it will cut short Harkles plan to destroy.
Exactly. The turning point in my relationship with my verbally abusive now-ex husband was was when I started practicing this in our conversations. No longer was I engaging in arguments or opportunities for put-downs. I could see when he was baiting me, and I simply refused to play along. I shrugged my shoulders and said "whatever you say" or "that's nice". You could feel the wind leaking out of his sails. He was flummoxed! It soon led to his demanding a divorce, and though I didn't realize it at the time, once it was all over, I felt truly free and unburdened for the first time in 25 years.
Same everything I say ok yea sure whatever it maybe an his whole attitude changes it he gets under his skin more then ever but the thing is everyone around us protect him he a good man he is this he is that he done this for you for your kids an three years later I'm still paying the price from let's make this relationship work to why can't you ever cook right to the comments of my weight looks or attuide I'm always wrong an he is always right an there no one I can go to tell them or talk
It seems like you are always feeling hurt..Never Good Enough, Never. Don't defend, don't engage, don't Explain and don't personalize. They won't listen. I'm tired of saying " you don't listen"
Some of the most painful experiences... was how they would smile and act kind and friendly and caring to everyone else... yet they could never show that to me... growing up wondering what I'd done wrong to never be loved like strangers were being loved... and it just kept happening in all my relationships afterwards with friends and romantic partners... its still a lot of unlearning to recognize that wasn't love.
@Lisa-u8p2f you do too. I'm sorry you've struggled to find people who treated you right, I'm honestly terrified myself to let people get close anymore...
I grew up with a Narcissistic mother and married a covert Narcissist and it has been a ridiculous ride for sure but I have learned so much about myself and my codependent type behavior. It's time for me to make positive healthy choices for my life
I was married to a charming, powerful malignant narcissist for 26 years… 32 years if you count the 6 years he drug out the divorce to ensure I got nothing. Brutal! That was 17 years ago. Had to see him for the first time last weekend at our daughters wedding. It was like I was walking through a minefield for 3 days. I shut down all emotions to survive. It’s hard to find balance for those dreaded interactions. 😓
@@shplms Thank you so much 🙏. I’m still processing all that went on there. Happy for it to be behind me but wishing things had been different. Hoping to get past that soon. Gotta keep moving forward.
Easy peesy. Your daughter is an adult. Choose to never again go anywhere near that man. If you find yourself in proximity to that man, leave. Once you decide on how you are going to deal with that situation, you know what to do anytime it comes up.
My son isn't even engaged and I worry about how I'm going to handle it when he gets married! That had to be really tough, but you did it for your daughter and I'm sure she felt loved. ❤
Whoa. My body definitely felt it within a couple weeks! Try to rationalize, gaslight myself about jumping to conclusions. Ended it after 12 weeks, dodged the bullet.
Good thing you made it out! Yes, the gut really knows before the mind. In my case it told me, "in this relationship you'll die early of a heart attack" My ex told me point blank, "I'm going to exploit you" just to test how much she had wrapped me around her finger, and indeed she had. She was like if cocaine was a person. Makes you feel like the king of the world, but it's healthy neither for you nor for your bank account. I'm lucky that it blew up after 8 weeks when I basically instinctively sabotaged the relationship, but it messed me up for years.
I purposly wrote down, a while ago a couple of things he said to me, and when months later I read it, i could not believe im still here trying to work on this
Look how smart you are to think to do that. You had a feeling, then you addressed it because you KNEW you would need it in the future. You know what needs to be done. Please just develop an exit plan and follow her advice of things to not do. And start showing up for yourself all throughout your life... LOVE YOURSELF... Show yourself love ❤️
You absolutely saved my life the past three years. Fortunately, for me, mine had a heart attack and croaked, as soon as I started laying down boundaries.🤷♂️. But I wouldn’t have made it through the past few years without you!
Dr Ramani literally saved me, she is very correct. I tried so hard and I escaped my very violent malignant narcissist ex boyfriend. Complete stranger were nicer to me than my ex boyfriend. I could not even get dropped off at the hospital. Grey rock.
Yea, having medical needs dismissed is the worst. My ex had me scrubbing the house within an inch of its life while i was in labor. Thanks for posting!
So glad you got out of that. I totally elate. A dying father and nightly visits to the ICU to see him and all the narc ex- was concerned about was the inconvenience of a phone call. Never again, I swear to God. Never.
I won't lie, it still saddens me that I can't share my successes with my family, and have to keep neutral topics like weather. Although it's getting easier, because I don't even try to make a effort to change them, it's not going to happen. I used to think, I have it together now, let me go back and try to make them human, and ended up being triple teamed eventually. The truth is, they are who they are, I'm still learning and growing, and that's what I focus on. I surround myself with people that celebrate me, and I'm always happy to see my peoples progress in life. I don't want to be pat on the back for every little accomplishment, but it's good to have people in your life that share your happiness, and not see it as a threat.
You sound like me. I've had to learn to stop going to a dry well looking for water 😢 But!!! I have learned self love and self validation, as well as radical acceptance with my family and it has helped a ton!
It's nice to have mutual in common. I have been cutting off all lines of communication with all my 🩸. (Narcissistic, ego and in their privileges!) Not my cup of 🫖! Hope you're healing. It's not easy, but, it's worth it on this side. ❤ Stay safe as well.
Omg, I hear what you are saying and I am textbook of your exact words. I finally reached the point, where I needed to rescue our child. I literally planned my escape! I knew he was going to one of his family events back east. I was in so much FEAR. Looking back now, leaving him was the BEST choice I made. My son finally went to counseling after about five to six years. He also received help. We are both happy! If you are in one of these relationships! It’s NOT selfish to think of yourself, your needs and you will get the breakthroughs in your own life from your past childhood, and marriage and live a life of gratitude! It takes courage to take the step of courage! I did it and so can you! I am FREE and you can be too!
Put in cameras inside and out. I stopped the bedrooms. He resented it. We have two places so it was necessary. Paid off many times. But he started stalking me on it. Every move I made became something sinister. I lived in a fish bowl. I threatened to unplug if he brought anything up again. So far so good. But I’m sure he’s still doing it. Can’t help it. This has now ruined
My best friend is finally divorcing her vulnerable narcissistic husband. Ive prayed for her for so long, I'm so relieved. She had actually started to believe it was her that was the narcissist because of him
@dfavorsky9672 in my very unprofessional opinion, yes. Narcissistic people want you to think you're the problem. My friends only problem was 'We're married, please don't sleep with others' and it became 'well you won't have sex like I want, so I'll get it else where and that's your fault.'
when you care about everyone as a default because that's just the most logical thing to do then it's really difficult to comprehend how someone so close to you could simply not care about you but when you finally do understand it then you feel such clarity. there's nothing you could've done better they just weren't thinking about you or your feels at all.
I became addicted to the emotional roller-coaster of being yelled at for no cold drinks in the fridge, waking him up late for work would have him having a tantrum(an example), and the apology meal, 2 yrs separated after 30yrs together....i still get like flash backs.
Yeah, in 25 years of annual vacation trips I got to plan 1. Promptly accused of always having to go where I wanted to go. Did not bother arguing the point.
Their voices are still in my head telling me that I am useless and worthless and anytime I accomplish something, it's such an exhaustive process of trying NOT to automatically hear them judging, criticizing, or making fun of me for doing something, anything! Because growing up that's always how it was, constantly. There was always pity in their "good job", or a smirk, or some kind of put down, passive aggressive comment, or flat out mockery of their child, and little sister. Recently had to be in touch and it was like going to mental war and now there's PTSD that woke up sooooo many memories and flashbacks that I truly want to forget forever. Thank you for this helpful work you do to arm us with ways to deal with this. It's like you are describing several people in my close family growing up. Wow.
A fantastic summary. Dr Ramani is so informed and articulate. And, so good to see that Dhru Purohit gave her the floor, and allowed her to tell this important info without too many interruptions and with just the right amount of investigative questioning. Respect!
My mother hit the check boxes for vulnerable narcissist; my ex- husband hit the check boxes for a malignant narcissist. Last boyfriend hit the vulnerable checkboxes. I decided I am a magnet for narcissism, and have embraced my independence and single hood. I'm more than willing to donate my "share" to everyone else.
If you are a magnet for narcissists, you need to learn about codependency and setting healthy boundaries. Your exposure to them has set you up for continuing that pattern. Learn your weaknesses, and that will help you break that pattern.
I thought I met a really nice person, but slowly, but surely I saw all these traits you have mentioned. And this happened after I’ve been studying for quite a while about toxic people. Some people are so convincing in the beginning. I think the only answer is time, you gotta give it time to see who someone really is. I have to say I was so shocked when he started interrupting me and then when he didn’t seem to wanna know anything about me, it’s just like you said. I told him the only thing I can talk to you about are food, sex, and the weather. At first, I felt so safe and nurtured. Now I wanna run as fast as I can in the opposite direction.
They blame you and end up saying “”you’re toxic and miserable”” I had a lady say this too me! She was projecting all sorts of crap on me. None of it’s true of coarse! I was wondering what was going on, so I looked up the covert narcissistic in woman and found “”this is their goal to do this.
@@larrykelly-kf5ppme??? I absolutely am not, what she was doing is called “projection” I’m completely fine. They’re the ones that are toxic and miserable! You’ve never dealt with a narcissists have you? They’ll blame you for everything and try to bring you down.
I’ve noticed the vulnerable is super super hard to detect but once you mentioned circumstances flipping it to grandiose in either direction shewww lightbulb!!!
I saw many therapists for _many_ years, not one said a thing about it was due to, or connected to, or because of whom I was married to. It was always the "how do you feel," leaving me feeling like I was the problem, so I continued to try harder (especially after every affair 'he' had). I lost everything imaginable and finally left after 35 years. Took way too long to realize I couldn't change him & needed to take care of myself. I remind myself every day that it wasn't me.
Decoding 7 Peculiar Traits of Covert Narcissists Covert narcissism is often a quiet and insidious form of manipulation that operates beneath the surface of everyday interactions. Unlike overt narcissists, who make their need for admiration and control known, covert narcissists tend to cloak their egos in subtler, more perplexing behaviors. These traits are often difficult to identify, especially since they are designed to hide the true nature of the narcissist behind an image of vulnerability, charm, or even harmlessness. By delving into these bizarre and sometimes unsettling behaviors, we can better understand the covert narcissist's complex web of manipulation. 1. The Name Game: Subtle Power Plays Covert narcissists often avoid addressing individuals by their names, opting instead for seemingly endearing but subtly demeaning nicknames. While this might seem harmless on the surface, it is a strategic tactic to establish a sense of control and dominance in the relationship. By refraining from using someone's name, they create a power imbalance, subtly asserting their superiority while keeping the other person off-balance. 2. Ailments Unattended: The Resilience Paradox Despite frequent complaints about health issues, covert narcissists exhibit a paradoxical reluctance to seek solutions or improvements. They often avoid medical help or dismiss suggestions from others, instead choosing to endure their ailments in silence. This behavior creates an illusion of strength and resilience, as though they are above the need for assistance. It’s a way of portraying themselves as unique or exceptional, while simultaneously garnering sympathy and attention from others. Read more on: lifenavigator2.substack.com/p/decoding-7-peculiar-traits-of-covert Subscribe to my newsletter at Substack and read tunned. Support my Writing: lifenavigator2.substack.com/
Informative video. In the end, I lost the battle to a classic narcissist. I admit utter and complete defeat. To be clear, this person shattered the lives of everyone he came in close contact with.
Your comment about being their punching bag is the thing that saved me. I've been a family and trauma therapist for 39 years, but I never have been personally affected by my patient's experiences with narcissists. It's different when it's personal. The shaming, blaming and belittling eventually woke me up....
I love Dr Ramani Durvasula! You know everything there is to know about Narcissistic personalities! Keep on speaking the truth about toxic narcissism. Thank you.
Also when it comes. To trying to make friends with other women. I wanted so much to believe in the sisterhood that I did not recognize the toxic narc. She presented such a nice public persona that it was hard to see through to the devil inside that she was hiding.
I've met more than my share of women like that. It's to the point where I dislike my gender for how bad some are while griping about how lousy men are. It makes me sad to see traits that involve conniving, manipulative lying, competitiveness and endless sniping among overempowered women who've gone from assertive to aggressive to domineering in just the last few generations. This is not at all what first wave feminists had in mind for women to become---each other's enemies. I've deliberately avoided forming friendships with other women because of so much cattiness that continues well past 40. I have an over friendly neighbor who struck me as too outgoing, too eager to be a helpful pal, plus I was also forewarned by her former tenant. I was correct in keeping my distance because of a few things I've since learned about her conduct. It's disheartening because women's friendships are not supposed to be like this. We should be able trust and support each other.
After decades, some 40+ years together- there has finally been a window to share Dr Ramini’s wisdom with a beloved family member. Holding hope that maybe there will be enough for him to trust that life outside is better, despite the cost to exit. ❤
Every word is so accurate. The most life-changing thing for me has been to completely stop explaining and defending myself. Let my mother and my family believe I'm bad. Go for it. I know who I am now, and I know she's the fucked up one who has to maintain her fragile identity by believing I'm her problem.
When dealing with narcissism, you should know that it’s not personal. “It isn’t personal” is one of those cliches used to cushion all kinds of bad actions taken by people who need an out for being immoral, but in this case it actually gets near the truth. Narcissists don’t know how to love or be a friend; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing. They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
"Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. " Makes sense now why my father would always call me his "mini-me," and I would always get he abuse. But the abuse was enacted on because of mom, not because of him, so.....
My husband of 23 yrs is so crazy especially when drinking. Everything is my fault literally. I have learned to put my head phones on at night and ignore his ass. I have taught my girls to fight back because he doesn't fight them verbally like he does me. I want my girls to be strong and have a voice. It is just a shitty situation all around.
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
I would love to chat with you! I just went through a similar situation and could never figure out how they made me feel bad for not proving I love them enough, when it was in fact them who kept proving over and over betrayal and betrayal they did not love me. Thank you so much. I feel not alone in this abuse
Oh Dr. Ramani. 😢 I have been in this relationship for 10 years now. Your videos have helped me see clearly over the years, though I’m still struggling to get out. He’s always been a terrible gift giver unless there was something in it for him. But this year on my birthday, he built me a PC. I’ve wanted one for ages for gaming. I recently have become quite paranoid, because he’s been dropping hints to me that he knows things he shouldn’t. No specifics, but he’s been making a point to try to leave me suspicious or off balance. Now I am nearly certain it’s the computer he built me. I have been careful to use my phone instead of the computer the last few weeks for anything sensitive, personal, or pertaining to my emotions surrounding this, because I had a feeling deep down that he somehow was accessing things he shouldn’t. Now I am nearly sure, because of this video. Thank you for bringing attention to this.
Having been thrown into a world of narcissists as a child, it had become natural for me to perpetuate the cycle because, as pointed out here, I didn’t even know that I was doing so. This categorization is super helpful, not to label people as narcissistic but to be able to point out exactly what feels wrong to oneself.
Thank you for this talk, 'cause it really helps me underline I was not and never have been a narcissist. Not even the communal flavor, which I could see someone accusing me of; I just genuinely haven't got any competitive desires. A rising tide lifts all ships, after all.
My vulnerable narcissist always made it clear that HER problems were worse, HER feelings were bigger, HER life was harder. Meanwhile I completely supported her in every way including financially. Had to end it after years of misery.
Dr. Ramani is amazing! I have been listing to her for years and have her books! She blew me away right now!!! I love how realistic she is emphasizing real on the ground human aspects of this relationship dynamic! The conversation about showing up as your whole self GOT me! Buy her books !!!!!!!!
The self righteous narc voice Dr Ramani puts on is so real…I can just imagine someone speaking down to another this way and it makes my blood boil…the voice screams total lack of sensitivity…it’s too much….I can’t handle these types…
Dr. Ramani said so many important things there. There's such a massive difference between "managing a bad relationship dynamic" vs. "surviving abuse when there's no options for escape anywhere in sight". And I love that Dr. Ramani said she ditches the whole part of what the responsibility of the survivor is and actually discusses what is going on with that other person and what to expect of their behaviour from what is evident through the perspective of the survivor.
I totally tried to "fix" my narcissistic ex. He totally destroyed me physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially. I wish i knew then what i knew now.
WHOA! You just described my mother in the Vulnerable Narcissist. She was very much a narcissist. Vulnerable Narcissist fits her perfectly...yet she also has some malignancy from her as well.
I love what Dr Ramani said about narcissistic people having wounds and THEY need to work on them. I agree with her about the cliche that “hurt people, hurt people.” Not necessarily. Many of us who have been hurt and we would never want to hurt someone else because we know what that feels like. That’s what empathy is.
Yes! I googled "is it normal for a husband to yell at their wife?" 11 years ago, about a year before I left my husband. It was then that I finally found answers in an article on narc abuse. I'm still collecting info on narcs with two communal and self-righteous narc parents and a string of narc friends. And, yes, explaining doesn't work with narcs, but it lt did become a habit growing up, and in many relationships, because the narcs were always asking "why did you...?"
Thank you for this! I married a Malignant/Vulnerable Narcissist for 13 yrs. It was awful, because in addition to his horrible anger, he'd fly into rages - he'd take to his bed for days - literally, lay in bed. Nothing I did mattered. He wanted to control my hair color-body tattoos (psssst: no one could see any of them - anyway). I couldn't pick out furniture. Divorce was threatened every other week & I never had security, although $ was not his problem. I was so stupid I gave up my own home, my career & married him. I had terrible health & was at a specialist's office every week. I was on Valium. I finally got out: my good friend is an Evidential Medium. She told me I'd be dead within 6 months if I stayed. Previously, she gave me profound info about myself that no one would know. I totally trusted her. My horrible headaches went away the MINUTE my Atty. filed the D. papers. The MINUTE.
Thank you for sharing about not sharing personal things with a narcissist. It took me years to accept that there was no point in trying to be close to him. I messed up big time. Granted, I didn't know any better, but now that I'm learning more and more, I can apply it to more areas of life until I manage to get my rear end out of here. Thankfully, I started learning about my own feelings, lots of steps there, and finally, I learned to just "detach" from him emotionally in every way possible. Now, I'm working on skills to handle my overwhelming emotions rather than have a breakdown and am looking for a way to make it financially without being entangled with him in any way. Loads of work ahead; trying not to get too angry with myself for the fact that I haven't already accomplished this (probably my hardest job these days) and trying to stay focused on the "task at hand" rather than getting caught up in what I haven't achieved yet.
"I have to be stronger" is EXACTLY what I have been telling myself - & eventually what my husband has been telling (& yelling at) me - that I need a psychologist so that I can better support him. NO!
My mother seems to be a self-righteous narcissist. Just realized it 6 mths ago when she told me she would NEVER apologize to me for ANYTHING, after saying mean and nasty things to me. I just turned 50.😩
Not ever in my life have I ever heard a sincere/unprompted apology from someone I know. I've even asked for it directly, almost all times ignored. It's hilarious at this point. 😂🙃
I have to double check who wrote this comment .I was thinking it was me write before.I never heard well done for raising kids it’s is not a big deal for my mother
I worked with a malignant narcissist once. Everyone thought he was wonderful, charming etc. He set his sights on me and I nearly got sucked in but when I got closer to him I started to get a glimpse of the cruel controlling side of his personality and I ran a mile.
12 yrs living with a vulnerable narcissist ended up disgusting me from women as a whole. I’m too old, too exhausted and too poor now to give that sick kind any chance again.
This is freeing; thank you! I found myself in that trap of trying to help the narcissists in my life over and over again because I love them so much. But, I am hurt and damaged as a result. Now that I'm a senior, I just stay in my cave because I can't deal with anymore pain and I don't want to risk hurting anyone because "I" am now so hurt. Hope this makes sense.
I can relate completely. This popped up in my feed this morning, which is exactly what I needed to hear. My mom called me for help. I agreed. The next day when I called to discuss specifics, I was told that she and my narcissistic brother decided I was not good enough, in so many words, so forget it. My help is no longer needed. They don’t know this yet, but that was the last straw, and I am gone! It truly is more peaceful to be alone.
8:30 raised by 2 narcissists in the military. Nobody taught us what "the right way" to do anything was. We were expected to do it over and over until we got it right. Watched my dad tear our rooms up and flip mattresses and yell like a drill instructor because our rooms wouldn't pass barracks inspection..... I'm 5 and nobody showed me how to clean, why would i need to pass inspection? Tbh these videos make me question a lot if I'm a narcissist because i had to learn how to survive 2 of them or if I lean more towards people pleasing. Deep down I crave the validation of doing something good and right because we never got it from our parents. But the validation is not WHY I do things. I don't even have social media. Do I do nice things for validation? No, but it is nice to know that the gestures are appreciated.
Wondering if you might be a narcissist is a pretty sure sign that you aren't one; narcissists tend to not even consider things like that about themselves.
@@R2Bl3nd Not necessarily. It's possible to pick up certain narcissistic traits - as in behavior patterns- which might remain unconscious for period of time. Of course it takes some measure of self awareness to notice these and willingness to change.
I remember when I first realized I was married to a narcissist.. I had also seen a video by Dr. Ramani, and also Dr. Les Carter.. it was like suddenly everything made sense and I could see clearly.. it was a profound moment and I felt so much relief because I was thinking that I must be the problem. These videos have made ALL the difference for me! I will forever be grateful🙏🏼❤️
Me too. The funny thing is, they're awful to each other too! My sisters and I finally went no-contact with them, and it was the best decision we could have made. They're strictly each others problem now.
I find it interesting that we are starting to look out for narcissists in our relationships, but not in our politicians.
They are hidden and hard to recognize.
trump and others
Not in my experience. People have been calling a certain candidate a narcissist long before he was ever involved in politics.
I think they're EVERYWHERE!!!
Many the politicians are Narcissists. Look closely at their personal lives.
Narcissist are always the meanest to the nearest & dearest😢
and it isn't personal. they hate anyone with the fortitude they reject.
you said it i just had one call the cops on me to get me out of his house and have my car taken away because he was paying me to clean and me and my cat as he knows live in the car he was helping me anyway when i did go out with him years ago i never knew he was this way i think his drinking and medications have thrown him into a tailspin over the years hes lost it but he didnt win the cops only cared about me he never got to see me taken away he saw his little plan fail but i cant go back oh well its a blessing in disquise lol
My ex turned my kids against me ( parent alienation) very sad
WOW truth
no, psychopaths are.
18:08 - "Don't go deep, don't defend, don't engage, don't explain, and don't personalize."
Should be easy enough right?
@@Mamabearasha Unless you have been caught in the web for years. It DOES take lots of practice, but it can be accomplished.
Correct coz they use it all against you .. I've learnt
Kids can’t do this though :(
I was about to do all that until he said, ‘its not my fault, it’s your fault’, and then that enraged me and I had to fight back and explain why it’s not my fault 😭😭
I am going through a divorce, after 32 years of marriage. 1 and 1/2 years ago, I got into my bed, crawled up in the fetal position, and asked God to help me. When I woke up, my iPad was on, and it was Dr. RAMINI! I had never heard of narcissistic abuse. She has literally saved my life! Thank you!
Congratulations on your new found freedom 👏 yes it certainly seems sometimes like the RUclips algorithm has a connection to our souls 👍
Dude this happened to me that’s how I found Kevin Ewing cut things off with the family and never looked back
I'm one year out from a 32 year marriage. I'm rebuilding and doing self care. My body is still recovering from keeping the score for so long. I am in a better place but I realize that I am forever changed. Seek support from family, friends or professionals. Educate yourself on the red flags AND the green flags. Go slow and find a path that works toward your happiness.
Comoon, dont quit so easily😢 Go back to that healthy releationship and work things out. Narcist are really good listeners, they are calm, not use abusive language, never try to break you. This is becose they have hearth of gold and they allways, ALLWAYS value you more than they value themselves. In their life they see you more like position of lord. Ok guys, hopefully i made you understand that u are in good hands
@@susanharris3552yes, it changes our personality because in this relationship we lose ourselves. That's the worst thing to happen to anyone. Life was never easy with a narcissist. Unfortunate for me, that I had to deal with the whole family full of narcissists (my wife and her family members). No contact is the best solution to stay away from the narcissist. I too didn't know the word narcissist untiYl did a reverse engineering of what actually I went through. ChatGPT threw the word narcissist and I started reading more about them. I suffered much for 15 years. Female narcissists are the worst. She stole away everything!! Recently I started watching videos of Tim Fletcher & I think you too should. It will reveal why we got into such a relationship and also our weaknesses. I hope all of you heal and recover soon. God bless you 🙏. I too am healing, but I have come half way through. I surrendered to God and I think that's the best thing to do. 😊
They never look inward or at themselves they always look at the other person to blame for all the chaos they cause
Yes it’s so sad!
I had a boss who once worked in a clinical .what he said was very unkind
So true, they cannot look inward but blame everyone else.
Sounds like a president wannabe I hear all the time..
You got it. Husband's mom a covert narcissist always blame shifts and hates I don't have a job of her choosing. She can't brag in her eyes about me cuz I'm a hostess . I've been in the restaurant work since I was 19
When they get angry, it gets dangerous.
My daughter is one she got angry when she was 17 she didn't barely go to school she tried to stab me I protected myself CPS took her out blamed me cops said I was in the right for kicking her off of me she's taller than me
She's I'm not sure what kind she lies about everything and even her health or her personality if family or people in general stick to her lies and attention everything is attention she will disowned you she even got CPS take her her kid and lied saying that me and aunts are abusive so I can't adopt him
As her father was the same way 💀 gaslighting they both do that
And then my father is narcissistic abusive controlling...I live 5 states
So I'm the smaller ,smaller never say what I need so I'm so anxious with everything
Not all of them. Some will not fight you or beat you, but a malignant narcissist is not to be underestimated.
@@Shortgirlproblems3791 I'm SO sorry that this has happened to you and it seems to still be happening. Find a battered women's shelter or counselor where you can express what is going on in a safe environment and get the help you need. If they refuse, keep banging on doors until one opens that will listen to you. You ARE worth the effort to heal!💔💗💖
Yep - The word dangerous is a bit understated.
Married a Narcissist at 22. Love bombing to the max prior to the wedding. First physical violence-on the wedding night. Left after 18 months with the help of his mother who said she didn’t want me to end up like she had. Never looked back. Sharpened my wits and made me a better judge of character.
Wow your MIL helped you. That is a rarity. Good for you good for her. Please take steps to help yourself, and take time to heal. All the best. ❤️💪🏽
Wow was my first thought too! I am wondering if the mother in law knew just how evil her son was but was hoping he changed. I have come to the conclusion, some people are so evil and detestable you can't even talk about it, because you don't believe anyone would believe you. I lived it also and after 24 years being divorced, it still affects me in my thoughts and bad dreams.
Wow! My first SA was also on the wedding night! I was 17, and it was 39 years ago 😞. I hid it because I was so confused and then because we had children I didn’t want him to go to prison.
Nobody take Narcissist serious illnes, nobody and its extremely dangerous. Need cure, not like all medicine Control so all people need buy over and over, scientist are very smart to not to make Cure, so all people have to buy over and over will not good salary, when they will stopped that, people need Cure, not prevent, we need totally Cure.
Same story
One of the most important revelations for me was that - They are not reachable on a fundamental level. They are not. Don't try. Avoid and leave.
Unavailablity was an early hint that I was dealing with narcs. Yes.
That is soooo true!
after a narc collaps briefly but thats not what they chose to follow usually
Well, this is why I should kill myself. I've been severely mistreated and verbally/emotionally abused by a narcissistic mother who strives too much on perfectionism and inconsistent parenting consistently, and now can't fucking function straight by 2022.
I'm fucking done with life!
@@rhym8882 most narcissists ...u cannot reason with them because they will gaslight u ...trven tho the situation is their fault...u are the one in the wrong ...they cannot admit they are wrong
She’s spot on about feeling tired or drained when it came to spending time with them. Honestly glad I’m out of that relationship.
me too
A waste of my precious time and energy which they demanded but was never enough. Whenever I finally got away from spending time with him, it took days to recover... 8 months gone just like that, some how you lose track of time. Never experienced anything like it... never again! 😢
Samee
I used to think something was wrong with me because when I’d come home from my ex’ I’d feel exhausted with no energy, and I’d look like a mess. I’m out of that relationship just recently, it’s going to take time for some healing 💕
Yes spent 9 hours with mine and I was soooooo drainedddddd … when you spend time with someone you’re supposed to look forward to spending more time with them- but I dreaded it !
Honestly talking about the weather can start a fight with them too. They're going to start a fight over anything and everything.
Typical narc!
Tell them that you think the weather is nice they will find something wrong with it.
Yep. Because it’s never about the subject matter at hand. Any disagreement is a mandate for them to assert dominance at any cost. One of the saddest things about being married to one is that you couldn’t safely talk about anything from a place of reality. Which makes intimacy impossible. No shared history, it’s all a malleable fantasy to suite their immediate needs. Which is typically dominance and superiority.
And cry and scream and give you the silent treatment for days. Oh yes, I'm divorced and so very happy about it.
They live their whole lives being petty over nothing.
my mom is super nice to strangers yet hates the family
That was my dad. He wanted strangers to love him but hated his own family behind closed doors. So I hear you, and hugs.
I know exactly what you mean "Street angel, House devil" that's what that's called
My dad is the same way
People think he is the nicest person in the entire world, he's so cute. He's adorable. He's so funny.
Then he gets home "speak F-ing English! I can't understand anything you say!"....... yeah so sweet
Typical narc!
Hates herself
That’s my sister
This process IS full of grief. The depth of the pain, knowing that you will NEVER have a true connection with them, is SO PAINFUL. The most alone I ever feel is with this person.
❤
It's a difficult and heavy truth, but acknowledging that pain is the first step toward healing and finding the peace you deserve.
yep... that's it.... sad
My narcissistic husband yelled at me that I had to take responsibility for our marriage problems. I said, “I married the wrong man.” He said, “I told you it’s your fault!”
Typical gaslighting.
Monsters from hell.
😂 don’t mean to laugh but wow
Same. 😂
They are just brutal.
why don't you divorce? They aren't worth it
@@maggiefranks6849 Oh believe me, once my children became adults, I got divorced!
Trying to go "DEEP" with a NARCISSIST is like trying to DIVE in SAND; you will only end up BROKEN.
Right
I'm tired, want out.
@@sivan3125 good one!!! Tell it!
I wish I would have known that 15 years ago.
@sivan
DEEP is an acronym to not:
Defend
Engage
Explain
Personalize
So, where is your comment coming from?
I wont say my parents were narcissists but when Dr. Ramani said "The child is basically put into a position to serve the parent, rather than the parent protecting the child.... When that child goes up into adulthood... Be small and not show up in their whole self." It seemed to connect. I had to break free from a bond from the judgement of my parents, but one in particular who loves to say how other people should live, especially the children, based on fear.
The influence parents have on their children can not be underestimated.
Agreed! That hit me too. For me, my father would punish me for upsetting my mother, saying "You can't talk to your mother like that," and it always being about her tears and hurt and never MY tears or hurt, even when I was an actual child! I hope you have been able to find truer love than your parents could provide. It took me a long time to learn how to be vulnerable with anyone, but now I'm able to support and be supported by my loving friends.
That's me to a T and it hurts.
THe crazy world has an influece on them it is made by our government CIA made this web we live in on line that controls what we can know. I did my best as a parent and it still is not working out in a way I can feel good about it. Early 20s what do you know? You still got a lot to know, Bring trouble instead of a blessing as God said something dark has leached on.
@@sarahs472I actually verbalized this to a friend recently, stating how I was surprised my father took my mother’s position instead of the child’s position.
Listen to your body! It can’t lie to you like your mind often will - and it gets there first.
This is true . If you get headaches when they are about to visit or get stomach aches
I react internally as if I have a severe allergy/rash when I am around a narcissist for very long. Agitated, uncomfortable, volitile, anxious, angry. It can feel like I am getting upset for NO reason, but if I then remove myself and revisit the interaction in my mind review, then suddenly the subtle signs show up. If my body didn't react, I would miss all the hidden covert ones.
@ChristianOne exactly I know exactly the feelings. I get anxious sick can't eat have to go to bathroom stomach feel like I want to run . Then anger overflows
Vertigo was the first physical symptom at the beginning, 24 years ago.
@@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690 yes, anxiety is an important thing to notice, telling you that something is not ok.
"They are interested in bashing you." Yep.
"I am interested in bashing back."
...but I know I shouldn't.
yes! ... :'(
I wonder what goes on in their brain, like: how does this bashing as narc supply work? What triggers their need to do it?
@@simonanardi4312 My ex actually explained it to me. He told me that any time he interacts with anyone, all he cares about is "outwitting" them. For him, outwitting usually meant either putting them down and making them feel dumb by being overly critical and pointing out any "flaws" they have (like the time he told me I'm cutting an onion wrong), or simply lying to their face and feeling smarter when the person believes their lies (he was so addicted to this that he would lie any time I asked him what time it was). They want to feel superior, they want to be the smartest person in the room at all times. What he didn't understand or just didn't care about is that being demeaning and being a great liar isn't the same as being intelligent.
After he told me that, he sheepishly laughed and said "that's sick isn't it?" Literally the only time in 16 years of marriage that he did an ounce of self reflection.
@@E4439Qv5 Yeah, dont play their games! It's hard, but yeah, just ignore them. They will drown and search for other victims!
"They are not interested in the truth they are interested in bashing you" and "This is never going to be the deep connected intimate relationship" is excellent wisdom.
It kind of sucks to realize someone you considered a best friend for years is just like this.
Same here. Crazy to have a long term friendship not realizing what a narcissist that person really was until recently. Whew, how freeing to just walk away. Now for me to begin the work that is ahead for me.
Yeah I had this, we shared work, good friends, until I started to realise, then when i started shutting him down, the confusion in him and shock that someone would dare stand up to them, silly man. When I turned off the energy supply, man did he turn nasty, well he tried. Top tip for narcs, don't try and victim someone who'll pull your arms off. Strange people these ones, very sad it's how they feel they have to behave.
Yes! I knew it wasn't right but didn't know the name. I started recognizing the attention seeking part a few months ago and reduced the attention she was asking for. She immediately moved onto someone else who would give that attention. Glad I realized what it was.
All of you, thank you.
Sure does. Look on the positive- you finally found out the truth. They can’t keep lying to you.👍🏽. And hopefully you’ve learnt skills to recognise another one to avoid them. 👍🏽
They either need to control or to be admired. Broken, psychologically damaged and utterly toxic - just leave.
This is seriously the most simplistic yet accurate explanation. I’m saving your comment. Thank you.
I learned about a personality disorder called OCPD, and that it is often comorbid with narcissism, and it blew my mind to see the diagnosable traits. Very controlling of self and others.
@@jmfs3497 also dissociative identity disorder is has a high correlation with malignant narcissism. they do not recall their heinous actions because it was another identity that did it it, probably you did it because they project their negative actions onto the one who is nearest.
What if it's a close friend?
@GigaGoo if you can manage your relationship without being drawn into your friend's stories or being taken advantage of, you're fine. It's not like he or she has a contagious disease. Just be very aware of gaslighting and the twisting of facts, especially when they involve other people. Take everything with a grain of salt.
Getting drained, speaks worlds. It's NOT normal.
A narc will have you crazy! I dealt with one a year and omg I’m so glad I’m out of that mess. It’s so sad they can’t see something wrong with themselves and try to fix it. If you’re dealing with this kind of person I’m telling you to get out, a waste of your time!!!
I spent 29 years!! They start slow and insidious and if you’re not healthy it’s easy to miss!!!
💯
A lot of people never get free. I hope you're healing
I'm on the way of cutting off with a narc aunt, and trying to convince my granny to do the same, since she's one of the main victims of these horrible people.
I tried to get her out of our home for years since the first moment that woman crossed one of the many lines she crosses and my granny didn't want to because "poor her, she doesn't have a job, how could she get a roof where to sleep?" And I always told her "Granny, she's a lawyer, she has hidden money. She can survive in her own".
Exactly. The world is more than a twisted little human in a twisted little place.
Catch a train. Journey into the world. Enjoy. You are not dependent on anyone only yourself.
It takes one step - and no, You don't need to buy books telling you who and what you are, or take classes to free yourself.
It takes a decision. One single decision, to step out.
I know.
"No human being should ever be enlisted into the role of someone else's punching bag *or pacifier*..." That hit like a brick. Thanks be to this video.
I was the bomb diffuser.
Me too. @@Just1Nora
15:49 “No human being should ever be enlisted into the role of being another persons punching bag or pacifier” 💯
Vulnerable narcissists are just narcissists without confidence or social skills
Kind of.. but my covert ex was a careful planner and plotter, much more so than many of the overts. He might have been closer to a psycopath, but his talent at sneakiness was unmatched by any other narcissists I have met. I have found coverts to be the most dangerous type by FAR because they operate in ways that always leave room for plausible deniability. He was plotting my murder in a way he would never be caught. And he had AWESOME social skills. He just started on the low rung of society so he had trouble catching lots of "big fish" to get enough supply to confidently become overt in his methods.
Mine just tried to work me to death. I managed to outlive him, but not without a good deal of damage.@ChristianOne
@@nancymorris3286 Yes, mine did too. Nothing was ever enough to satisfy him.
😂😂😂
They’re all hero’s lol til they get triggered
I was one of those people that found Dr. Ramani at 3am googling what is wrong, etc! 🙋🏻♀️
I hope you found peace. I'm just now coming into rational acceptance of my new reality of 29 years of marriage, and the binders have revealed, I'm living with a narcissist.
helo
You may also appreciate The Little Shaman and Richard Grannon. 😊
They sometimes call it your "Light Bulb Moment" poof you see it and understand.
SAME!
Sister in law is a communal Narcissist. Stood in judgement over me. Toe tapping arms crossed, nose in the air.
I didn't know what Narcissism was at the time but I wrote her an emotional letter as to how hard I was trying to be on good terms with her and how frustrating it was to have her behave so negatively toward me.
She viewed it as a poison pen letter and hung onto her silent treatment grudge against me for 45 years.
Looking back, wow....best thing I ever did was to initiate her removal from my life. I chalk it up to gut instinct.
I had to do the same thing to my sister-in-law. After 22 years of marriage, I decided to stop talking to her and ignore her.
My sister was my best friend,until she got in a relationship, I was abandoned ,when I breached my hurt she woukd yell at me calling me jealous ,im in my own relationship and woukd have never have done that to her,hurtful knowing she didn't even care
I couldn't put a name to it for 20 years. The blindfold has now fallen thanks to Dr. Ramani.
My blinders have just come off. 29 years of marriage and the rational acceptance that I've been living with a narcissist is surreal.
Yes I was blinded too. I thought I was crazy. I kept praying to God to help me be a better wife. Every day my husband always complained he was unhappy with me and I need to work my character flaws. I stayed stressed trying to do the right thing and not upset him. I walked on egg shells. Then one I couldn’t stop crying for a month and walked out of a 7 year marriage. I am in the middle of a divorce. I found one of the Doctors videos on signs your dealing with a narcissist. I was set free. I chose no contact. He has done everything the videos said he would do from love bombing, telling friends how bad I’ve done him, hovering, self pity, guilt and call him back it is very very important. I have not responded because it is all lies. He has even apologized to me numerous of times that he now see what he was doing to me in our marriage. Lies upon lies. In seven years of marriage now he see the error of his ways. I am not buying it.
@@anais457 Stay strong, believe your gut. It is not you who is flawed!!!
Dad said, you finally have your eyes open. He saw what I didn’t see for years.
@radawson1018 yes I am now trusting my gut. I ignored my gut for years I thought something was wrong with me. I needed to work more on my flaws my husband stayed unhappy with me but would say I was a good wife my head was spinning. My eyes are opened now.
Not many therapists/counselors understand narcissism. This lady and Dr. Les Carter saved me from "Alzheimers" like previous targets/victims of narcs.
@MrsEd-fh2gsif you can move you should. This person you are dealing with is never going to stop. Try to accept it and do whatever you can to be safe and be happy. This is not your fault. Trust me, people do care about you but they know they can not help you. Nobody can. This person you are dealing with is never going to stop. I'm sorry. You are not alone.
17:05 The situation is actually more complex than that. They sometimes show a lot of love and empathy, like really feeling bad when someone else has hurt your feelings. Like beyond a doubt genuine empathy, no acting. Then, suddenly, on a different day, in a completely neutral non-confrontational setup, suddenly there's a switch like a Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde switch and they become a cole mean monster shredding you to bits with their words, laughing and mocking coldly. That's like two different people, and is very confusing for the victim. Especially the genuine earnest apologies.
I can wholeheartedly relate to this. The monster within isn’t shown for a while, and the positive memories with them seem so real, I still can’t decide if they were acting or not from the start because it really didn’t seem like it. There was a switch with my person too, and it hurt like hell to watch bright blue eyes turn to black.
Mine just ignores me. We can sit in the same room for hours and he won’t say a word. I might as well be single. He doesn’t touch me unless he thinks he can get lucky. He acts like he isn’t even with me out in public. On the rare occasion he does touch me in public it is generally inappropriate like grabbing my butt or nibbling my neck. Unexpected things that I can’t anticipate and stop before they happen. I’m too old for nonsense. I’m praying for a way out.
You are describing Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Eventually therapists will make the connection with NPD .
The two diagnosis are twins.
DID is considered rare, but is really common once the recognition of behaviors is made.
Typical abusive behaviour. It keeps you constantly confused, constantly hoping, always feeling guilty
@@batteredwife I think the' genuine apologies ' are likely not genuine but a polished act.
Dear GOD! I would have loved to have know about this 40 years ago. Narcissism is truely Demonic!!! They never let you go!!
13 years. Finally ended this week. Get out while there's still some of you left.
Yes, 40 years ago. Things could have been so different.
You're their life energy. Of course they don't want to lose you. But if we don't go, they'll suck our life force out of us.
@@loriallen9237exactly 💯 drained the life outta me
Why you have to escape and release yourself and go no contact.
My entire family has been destroyed by this. I figured it out, and now I'm removed from it. It's a total relief. At first I struggled with guilt, but no longer do. I am freed from what is truly demonic oppression. The power is back in my hands. Praise God!
Happened to my family too. I removed myself until my baby sister died. Nothing has changed, not that it ever would. It’s been a month now and I’m out.
Many people are becoming Narsissist. To experience one, you must be in a relationship 1st. Then you can spot them after the marriage. It's better to remain single. Even Royal marriages too have Narsissist partners, but it's by God's mercy Prince William was exposed. Today he repented. And God will now be able to put his family back together again. For Harry, he made a choice to serve MM not God's people. So Harry is coiled up by the snake head, MM. No longer easy as Harry IS much needed to fool King Charles 3 to try to get back into the RF & this time, at fast speed destroy God's future plan for Britain. King Charles 3 has appointed Princess Royale as The Queen. Just waiting for King' s abdication to protect the British people & the continuation of the late QE2 legacy. The sooner this can be done, it will cut short Harkles plan to destroy.
Nobody out there understand the NPDs like Dr. Ramani does. She's amazing. Don't go deep, don't engage, don't explain, don't defend, don't personalize.
Exactly. The turning point in my relationship with my verbally abusive now-ex husband was was when I started practicing this in our conversations. No longer was I engaging in arguments or opportunities for put-downs. I could see when he was baiting me, and I simply refused to play along. I shrugged my shoulders and said "whatever you say" or "that's nice". You could feel the wind leaking out of his sails. He was flummoxed! It soon led to his demanding a divorce, and though I didn't realize it at the time, once it was all over, I felt truly free and unburdened for the first time in 25 years.
Same everything I say ok yea sure whatever it maybe an his whole attitude changes it he gets under his skin more then ever but the thing is everyone around us protect him he a good man he is this he is that he done this for you for your kids an three years later I'm still paying the price from let's make this relationship work to why can't you ever cook right to the comments of my weight looks or attuide I'm always wrong an he is always right an there no one I can go to tell them or talk
yep, I learned that any discussion no matter how gentle gets turned into gasoline
It seems like you are always feeling hurt..Never Good Enough, Never. Don't defend, don't engage, don't Explain and don't personalize. They won't listen. I'm tired of saying " you don't listen"
I always feel it in my body..but I forget to act on it..
I always feel it in my body..but I forget to act on it.. excellent knowledge in this post..thanks..
Amen. They hear you, they get it, but they will never admit it. Thanks for posting
and yet while never listening themselves, they accuse you.
Some of the most painful experiences... was how they would smile and act kind and friendly and caring to everyone else... yet they could never show that to me... growing up wondering what I'd done wrong to never be loved like strangers were being loved... and it just kept happening in all my relationships afterwards with friends and romantic partners... its still a lot of unlearning to recognize that wasn't love.
@Lisa-u8p2f you do too. I'm sorry you've struggled to find people who treated you right, I'm honestly terrified myself to let people get close anymore...
So very sorry you all have gone through this, far too common, wishing you the best 🥰 hugs hugs and more hugs
I grew up with a Narcissistic mother and married a covert Narcissist and it has been a ridiculous ride for sure but I have learned so much about myself and my codependent type behavior. It's time for me to make positive healthy choices for my life
I was married to a charming, powerful malignant narcissist for 26 years… 32 years if you count the 6 years he drug out the divorce to ensure I got nothing. Brutal! That was 17 years ago. Had to see him for the first time last weekend at our daughters wedding. It was like I was walking through a minefield for 3 days. I shut down all emotions to survive. It’s hard to find balance for those dreaded interactions. 😓
I’m sorry that happened to you. I hope you’re feeling better now
@@shplms Thank you so much 🙏. I’m still processing all that went on there. Happy for it to be behind me but wishing things had been different. Hoping to get past that soon. Gotta keep moving forward.
@@TiMarie13drop it to the floor or imagine paying tenis everytime you hit the ball imagine you hitting your thought
Easy peesy. Your daughter is an adult. Choose to never again go anywhere near that man. If you find yourself in proximity to that man, leave.
Once you decide on how you are going to deal with that situation, you know what to do anytime it comes up.
My son isn't even engaged and I worry about how I'm going to handle it when he gets married! That had to be really tough, but you did it for your daughter and I'm sure she felt loved. ❤
Whoa. My body definitely felt it within a couple weeks! Try to rationalize, gaslight myself about jumping to conclusions. Ended it after 12 weeks, dodged the bullet.
eventually our Spidey Sense will kick in before it ever starts.
Good thing you made it out! Yes, the gut really knows before the mind. In my case it told me, "in this relationship you'll die early of a heart attack"
My ex told me point blank, "I'm going to exploit you" just to test how much she had wrapped me around
her finger, and indeed she had.
She was like if cocaine was a person. Makes you feel like the king of the world, but it's healthy neither for you nor for your bank account.
I'm lucky that it blew up after 8 weeks when I basically instinctively sabotaged the relationship, but it messed me up for years.
Don’t engage, don’t explain, don’t personalise … breakthrough advice for me
facts --- "don't go deep", "don't defend", "don't engage", "don't personalize"
I purposly wrote down, a while ago a couple of things he said to me, and when months later I read it, i could not believe im still here trying to work on this
Leave
Please make good plans amd find a way to remove yourself from the situation. It is hard when one has children bit not impossible.
I did the same thing. Those notes are a life saver, I was lucky he discarded me
Look how smart you are to think to do that. You had a feeling, then you addressed it because you KNEW you would need it in the future. You know what needs to be done. Please just develop an exit plan and follow her advice of things to not do. And start showing up for yourself all throughout your life... LOVE YOURSELF... Show yourself love ❤️
I wrote down ALL the red flags from beginning to end... it made it so much easier to walk away and never look back.
You absolutely saved my life the past three years. Fortunately, for me, mine had a heart attack and croaked, as soon as I started laying down boundaries.🤷♂️. But I wouldn’t have made it through the past few years without you!
Best possible outcome
if only the universe would be so merciful to rest of us.
Dr Ramani literally saved me, she is very correct. I tried so hard and I escaped my very violent malignant narcissist ex boyfriend. Complete stranger were nicer to me than my ex boyfriend. I could not even get dropped off at the hospital.
Grey rock.
Yea, having medical needs dismissed is the worst. My ex had me scrubbing the house within an inch of its life while i was in labor. Thanks for posting!
So glad you got out of that. I totally elate. A dying father and nightly visits to the ICU to see him and all the narc ex- was concerned about was the inconvenience of a phone call. Never again, I swear to God. Never.
It was never clearer to me than when I needed hospital care and it was still all about him. Did not call, visit or pick me up,as promised.
I won't lie, it still saddens me that I can't share my successes with my family, and have to keep neutral topics like weather. Although it's getting easier, because I don't even try to make a effort to change them, it's not going to happen. I used to think, I have it together now, let me go back and try to make them human, and ended up being triple teamed eventually. The truth is, they are who they are, I'm still learning and growing, and that's what I focus on. I surround myself with people that celebrate me, and I'm always happy to see my peoples progress in life. I don't want to be pat on the back for every little accomplishment, but it's good to have people in your life that share your happiness, and not see it as a threat.
You sound like me. I've had to learn to stop going to a dry well looking for water 😢
But!!! I have learned self love and self validation, as well as radical acceptance with my family and it has helped a ton!
Only God can help them if they are strong enough to change
You impudent child. How dare you reject your assigned role as scapegoat.
It's nice to have mutual in common. I have been cutting off all lines of communication with all my 🩸. (Narcissistic, ego and in their privileges!) Not my cup of 🫖!
Hope you're healing. It's not easy, but, it's worth it on this side. ❤ Stay safe as well.
Omg, I hear what you are saying and I am textbook of your exact words. I finally reached the point, where I needed to rescue our child. I literally planned my escape! I knew he was going to one of his family events back east. I was in so much FEAR. Looking back now, leaving him was the BEST choice I made. My son finally went to counseling after about five to six years. He also received help. We are both happy!
If you are in one of these relationships! It’s NOT selfish to think of yourself, your needs and you will get the breakthroughs in your own life from your past childhood, and marriage and live a life of gratitude! It takes courage to take the step of courage! I did it and so can you! I am FREE and you can be too!
Absolutely regarding a phone, iPad, laptop computer! You will be tracked
Put in cameras inside and out. I stopped the bedrooms. He resented it. We have two places so it was necessary. Paid off many times. But he started stalking me on it. Every move I made became something sinister. I lived in a fish bowl. I threatened to unplug if he brought anything up again. So far so good. But I’m sure he’s still doing it. Can’t help it. This has now ruined
One of the first things my boyfriend did was buy my daughter and I newer phones😢...
Or they delete and add whatever they want or constantly snatch it up to search for things to accuse you of constantly.
My mom was the self righteous martyr yet also a hermit/agoraphobic type who had judged everyone who she comes across. Everyone but her was bad
l knew a friends step-mother like that.. she exhausted me within minutes..! l could never spend time there..
My mom was/is like that too PLUS as a bonus I married a Narc. God help us all that are stuck.
That was my mom!!!
@@camisnyder3460me too!
Sounds like my husband.
My best friend is finally divorcing her vulnerable narcissistic husband. Ive prayed for her for so long, I'm so relieved. She had actually started to believe it was her that was the narcissist because of him
I was just wondering about that. Is it common for the partner of a narcissist to begin believing they are the narcissist?
@dfavorsky9672 in my very unprofessional opinion, yes. Narcissistic people want you to think you're the problem. My friends only problem was 'We're married, please don't sleep with others' and it became 'well you won't have sex like I want, so I'll get it else where and that's your fault.'
@@rhast57she lucky she didn't, it would have become very grey.
@@dfavorsky9672 yes
I had the same experience, wondering if I am the one in the wrong, if I am the narcissist.... And I still do worry about that.
when you care about everyone as a default because that's just the most logical thing to do then it's really difficult to comprehend how someone so close to you could simply not care about you but when you finally do understand it then you feel such clarity. there's nothing you could've done better they just weren't thinking about you or your feels at all.
I like that.
Caring for people is the default.
And we do not care for their contrived drama.
Dr. Ramani, you are so correct about Hope. So many of us keep holding on to hope that things will change.
Learning about vulnerable narcissists is a revelation! So grateful to have found this.
I became addicted to the emotional roller-coaster of being yelled at for no cold drinks in the fridge, waking him up late for work would have him having a tantrum(an example), and the apology meal, 2 yrs separated after 30yrs together....i still get like flash backs.
But 2yrs gone... congratulate yourself - you are free & out of all that! Kudos to you.
Those flashbacks are PTSD
It's Trauma, and the body stores trauma. It takes awhile to Actively Work that Out
Me too 😢
Sorry to hear that. I hope you feel liberated now
Better to live alone and stay alone. Like that you’re never be hurt.
💯
Your so right. That is always best!
... or loved.
@@SnarkasticSunnyikr..
you can find someone decent.. there are so many out there..!
Doesn't work and it's a miserable existence.
Ok, the bit at about 4:10 about not accepting gifts of devices from intimate partners is an eye opener and something I will tell my kids! 😮
"Why don't I ever take out the trash? I did, but you kept walking back in."
👏👏👏👏👏
Very well said my friend. You had me laughing on that one. 😅
Yeah, in 25 years of annual vacation trips I got to plan 1.
Promptly accused of always having to go where I wanted to go.
Did not bother arguing the point.
That is going to set you up for some major disappointment 😅
@@LordMondegrene Nice. Lol
Their voices are still in my head telling me that I am useless and worthless and anytime I accomplish something, it's such an exhaustive process of trying NOT to automatically hear them judging, criticizing, or making fun of me for doing something, anything! Because growing up that's always how it was, constantly. There was always pity in their "good job", or a smirk, or some kind of put down, passive aggressive comment, or flat out mockery of their child, and little sister. Recently had to be in touch and it was like going to mental war and now there's PTSD that woke up sooooo many memories and flashbacks that I truly want to forget forever. Thank you for this helpful work you do to arm us with ways to deal with this. It's like you are describing several people in my close family growing up. Wow.
Sorry you had to go through that. ❤
I am sorry I know how that is!! ❤
A fantastic summary. Dr Ramani is so informed and articulate. And, so good to see that Dhru Purohit gave her the floor, and allowed her to tell this important info without too many interruptions and with just the right amount of investigative questioning. Respect!
My mother hit the check boxes for vulnerable narcissist; my ex- husband hit the check boxes for a malignant narcissist. Last boyfriend hit the vulnerable checkboxes.
I decided I am a magnet for narcissism, and have embraced my independence and single hood. I'm more than willing to donate my "share" to everyone else.
If you are a magnet for narcissists, you need to learn about codependency and setting healthy boundaries. Your exposure to them has set you up for continuing that pattern. Learn your weaknesses, and that will help you break that pattern.
@healthyintention I have broken the pattern. I've chosen happy non-participation.
We get better at managing our empathic response to others.
@wisconsinfarmer4742 to give myself credit, I neither moved in nor married the last boyfriend... so yay me!
I thought I met a really nice person, but slowly, but surely I saw all these traits you have mentioned. And this happened after I’ve been studying for quite a while about toxic people. Some people are so convincing in the beginning. I think the only answer is time, you gotta give it time to see who someone really is. I have to say I was so shocked when he started interrupting me and then when he didn’t seem to wanna know anything about me, it’s just like you said. I told him the only thing I can talk to you about are food, sex, and the weather. At first, I felt so safe and nurtured. Now I wanna run as fast as I can in the opposite direction.
Get away. It only get's worse and more hurtful. They don't get "better."
GET AWAY!!!
Over time true character is revealed!!! Go slow but in your case it’s time for exit plan! Some are dangerous soo be careful.
"RUN!" Don't look back - just run!
Same here and he even started to physically hurt me! I’m out and have been so .
I swear Dr. Ramani is an utter GENIUS.
They blame you and end up saying “”you’re toxic and miserable”” I had a lady say this too me! She was projecting all sorts of crap on me. None of it’s true of coarse! I was wondering what was going on, so I looked up the covert narcissistic in woman and found “”this is their goal to do this.
Did you check whether you WERE toxic and miserable?
@@larrykelly-kf5ppme??? I absolutely am not, what she was doing is called “projection” I’m completely fine. They’re the ones that are toxic and miserable! You’ve never dealt with a narcissists have you? They’ll blame you for everything and try to bring you down.
I’ve noticed the vulnerable is super super hard to detect but once you mentioned circumstances flipping it to grandiose in either direction shewww lightbulb!!!
Covert Narcissism must be the same description. And yes, they can flip to grandiose. Honestly, I think these people shape shift, it is weird!
I saw many therapists for _many_ years, not one said a thing about it was due to, or connected to, or because of whom I was married to. It was always the "how do you feel," leaving me feeling like I was the problem, so I continued to try harder (especially after every affair 'he' had). I lost everything imaginable and finally left after 35 years. Took way too long to realize I couldn't change him & needed to take care of myself. I remind myself every day that it wasn't me.
Decoding 7 Peculiar Traits of Covert Narcissists
Covert narcissism is often a quiet and insidious form of manipulation that operates beneath the surface of everyday interactions. Unlike overt narcissists, who make their need for admiration and control known, covert narcissists tend to cloak their egos in subtler, more perplexing behaviors. These traits are often difficult to identify, especially since they are designed to hide the true nature of the narcissist behind an image of vulnerability, charm, or even harmlessness. By delving into these bizarre and sometimes unsettling behaviors, we can better understand the covert narcissist's complex web of manipulation.
1. The Name Game: Subtle Power Plays
Covert narcissists often avoid addressing individuals by their names, opting instead for seemingly endearing but subtly demeaning nicknames. While this might seem harmless on the surface, it is a strategic tactic to establish a sense of control and dominance in the relationship. By refraining from using someone's name, they create a power imbalance, subtly asserting their superiority while keeping the other person off-balance.
2. Ailments Unattended: The Resilience Paradox
Despite frequent complaints about health issues, covert narcissists exhibit a paradoxical reluctance to seek solutions or improvements. They often avoid medical help or dismiss suggestions from others, instead choosing to endure their ailments in silence. This behavior creates an illusion of strength and resilience, as though they are above the need for assistance. It’s a way of portraying themselves as unique or exceptional, while simultaneously garnering sympathy and attention from others.
Read more on: lifenavigator2.substack.com/p/decoding-7-peculiar-traits-of-covert
Subscribe to my newsletter at Substack and read tunned. Support my Writing:
lifenavigator2.substack.com/
Informative video. In the end, I lost the battle to a classic narcissist. I admit utter and complete defeat. To be clear, this person shattered the lives of everyone he came in close contact with.
You did your best, and I hope you feel better
I know one of those. J b
It can be difficult if not impossible to cut ties due other complications. I see your pain hoe this helps even if only slightly
Your comment about being their punching bag is the thing that saved me. I've been a family and trauma therapist for 39 years, but I never have been personally affected by my patient's experiences with narcissists. It's different when it's personal. The shaming, blaming and belittling eventually woke me up....
Oh, and the gaslighting!
I love Dr Ramani Durvasula! You know everything there is to know about Narcissistic personalities! Keep on speaking the truth about toxic narcissism. Thank you.
Also when it comes.
To trying to make friends with other women. I wanted so much to believe in the sisterhood that I did not recognize the toxic narc. She presented such a nice public persona that it was hard to see through to the devil inside that she was hiding.
I've met more than my share of women like that. It's to the point where I dislike my gender for how bad some are while griping about how lousy men are. It makes me sad to see traits that involve conniving, manipulative lying, competitiveness and endless sniping among overempowered women who've gone from assertive to aggressive to domineering in just the last few generations. This is not at all what first wave feminists had in mind for women to become---each other's enemies. I've deliberately avoided forming friendships with other women because of so much cattiness that continues well past 40. I have an over friendly neighbor who struck me as too outgoing, too eager to be a helpful pal, plus I was also forewarned by her former tenant. I was correct in keeping my distance because of a few things I've since learned about her conduct. It's disheartening because women's friendships are not supposed to be like this. We should be able trust and support each other.
@@msr1116AGREED!!! Many sick women too!!! Yes!!
Women are the ones who are cruel to each other. I've tried to make friends but I am never good enough.
.
After decades, some 40+ years together- there has finally been a window to share Dr Ramini’s wisdom with a beloved family member. Holding hope that maybe there will be enough for him to trust that life outside is better, despite the cost to exit. ❤
Every word is so accurate. The most life-changing thing for me has been to completely stop explaining and defending myself. Let my mother and my family believe I'm bad. Go for it. I know who I am now, and I know she's the fucked up one who has to maintain her fragile identity by believing I'm her problem.
When dealing with narcissism, you should know that it’s not personal. “It isn’t personal” is one of those cliches used to cushion all kinds of bad actions taken by people who need an out for being immoral, but in this case it actually gets near the truth. Narcissists don’t know how to love or be a friend; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing.
They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves.
When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection.
Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
This is the best written advertisement I think I have ever read
@@blinkyy1088u got a point
"Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. "
Makes sense now why my father would always call me his "mini-me," and I would always get he abuse.
But the abuse was enacted on because of mom, not because of him, so.....
@@blinkyy1088no joke! Hooked me til the very end LOL
My husband of 23 yrs is so crazy especially when drinking. Everything is my fault literally. I have learned to put my head phones on at night and ignore his ass. I have taught my girls to fight back because he doesn't fight them verbally like he does me. I want my girls to be strong and have a voice. It is just a shitty situation all around.
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
Tyrant toddler
You're a very in tune , very awaken and very aware , stay that way❤
BLEZZ#KEEP DA CHANGE
Why are you monitoring him? Let it go.
Another great ad I’m assuming you copied and pasted someone else’s response above the ad
I would love to chat with you! I just went through a similar situation and could never figure out how they made me feel bad for not proving I love them enough, when it was in fact them who kept proving over and over betrayal and betrayal they did not love me. Thank you so much. I feel not alone in this abuse
Oh Dr. Ramani. 😢 I have been in this relationship for 10 years now. Your videos have helped me see clearly over the years, though I’m still struggling to get out.
He’s always been a terrible gift giver unless there was something in it for him. But this year on my birthday, he built me a PC. I’ve wanted one for ages for gaming. I recently have become quite paranoid, because he’s been dropping hints to me that he knows things he shouldn’t. No specifics, but he’s been making a point to try to leave me suspicious or off balance. Now I am nearly certain it’s the computer he built me. I have been careful to use my phone instead of the computer the last few weeks for anything sensitive, personal, or pertaining to my emotions surrounding this, because I had a feeling deep down that he somehow was accessing things he shouldn’t. Now I am nearly sure, because of this video. Thank you for bringing attention to this.
Having been thrown into a world of narcissists as a child, it had become natural for me to perpetuate the cycle because, as pointed out here, I didn’t even know that I was doing so. This categorization is super helpful, not to label people as narcissistic but to be able to point out exactly what feels wrong to oneself.
Thank you for this talk, 'cause it really helps me underline I was not and never have been a narcissist.
Not even the communal flavor, which I could see someone accusing me of; I just genuinely haven't got any competitive desires. A rising tide lifts all ships, after all.
My vulnerable narcissist always made it clear that HER problems were worse, HER feelings were bigger, HER life was harder. Meanwhile I completely supported her in every way including financially. Had to end it after years of misery.
Oh no... I see this too. :/
Dr. Ramani is amazing! I have been listing to her for years and have her books! She blew me away right now!!! I love how realistic she is emphasizing real on the ground human aspects of this relationship dynamic! The conversation about showing up as your whole self GOT me! Buy her books !!!!!!!!
The self righteous narc voice Dr Ramani puts on is so real…I can just imagine someone speaking down to another this way and it makes my blood boil…the voice screams total lack of sensitivity…it’s too much….I can’t handle these types…
Dr. Ramani said so many important things there. There's such a massive difference between "managing a bad relationship dynamic" vs. "surviving abuse when there's no options for escape anywhere in sight". And I love that Dr. Ramani said she ditches the whole part of what the responsibility of the survivor is and actually discusses what is going on with that other person and what to expect of their behaviour from what is evident through the perspective of the survivor.
I totally tried to "fix" my narcissistic ex. He totally destroyed me physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially. I wish i knew then what i knew now.
You know how many times I've had this thought over the years? It comes with the territory. You know now, so you are doing better now. ❤
WHOA! You just described my mother in the Vulnerable Narcissist. She was very much a narcissist. Vulnerable Narcissist fits her perfectly...yet she also has some malignancy from her as well.
Coming from a narcissistic family myself, Dr. Ramani describes it spot-on.
I love what Dr Ramani said about narcissistic people having wounds and THEY need to work on them. I agree with her about the cliche that “hurt people, hurt people.” Not necessarily. Many of us who have been hurt and we would never want to hurt someone else because we know what that feels like. That’s what empathy is.
Dr Ramani really knows what she is talking about, spot on with the not going deep.
More crucial info in 10 min than I’ve ever heard. Wow. Thank you
Yes! I googled "is it normal for a husband to yell at their wife?" 11 years ago, about a year before I left my husband. It was then that I finally found answers in an article on narc abuse. I'm still collecting info on narcs with two communal and self-righteous narc parents and a string of narc friends.
And, yes, explaining doesn't work with narcs, but it lt did become a habit growing up, and in many relationships, because the narcs were always asking "why did you...?"
Thank you for this! I married a Malignant/Vulnerable Narcissist for 13 yrs. It was awful, because in addition to his horrible anger, he'd fly into rages - he'd take to his bed for days - literally, lay in bed. Nothing I did mattered. He wanted to control my hair color-body tattoos (psssst: no one could see any of them - anyway). I couldn't pick out furniture. Divorce was threatened every other week & I never had security, although $ was not his problem. I was so stupid I gave up my own home, my career & married him. I had terrible health & was at a specialist's office every week. I was on Valium. I finally got out: my good friend is an Evidential Medium. She told me I'd be dead within 6 months if I stayed. Previously, she gave me profound info about myself that no one would know. I totally trusted her. My horrible headaches went away the MINUTE my Atty. filed the D. papers. The MINUTE.
You get sick around them!!! Truths!!
Good for you, but what do you mean evidential medium? She does the Sherlock Holmes thing?
@@PaTrick-cf6ev No.
@@Terriwith2arfs so what is that?
@@PaTrick-cf6ev Google Evidential Mediums. I won't disclose my friend's name.
Thank you for sharing about not sharing personal things with a narcissist. It took me years to accept that there was no point in trying to be close to him. I messed up big time. Granted, I didn't know any better, but now that I'm learning more and more, I can apply it to more areas of life until I manage to get my rear end out of here. Thankfully, I started learning about my own feelings, lots of steps there, and finally, I learned to just "detach" from him emotionally in every way possible. Now, I'm working on skills to handle my overwhelming emotions rather than have a breakdown and am looking for a way to make it financially without being entangled with him in any way. Loads of work ahead; trying not to get too angry with myself for the fact that I haven't already accomplished this (probably my hardest job these days) and trying to stay focused on the "task at hand" rather than getting caught up in what I haven't achieved yet.
"I have to be stronger" is EXACTLY what I have been telling myself - & eventually what my husband has been telling (& yelling at) me - that I need a psychologist so that I can better support him. NO!
My mother seems to be a self-righteous narcissist. Just realized it 6 mths ago when she told me she would NEVER apologize to me for ANYTHING, after saying mean and nasty things to me. I just turned 50.😩
Not ever in my life have I ever heard a sincere/unprompted apology from someone I know. I've even asked for it directly, almost all times ignored. It's hilarious at this point. 😂🙃
I have to double check who wrote this comment .I was thinking it was me write before.I never heard well done for raising kids it’s is not a big deal for my mother
Mom narcs are the worst. Just detach forever. I pray for my mom, but I had to give her to God. Stay strong!
I wish I would have learned about this huge life-impacting topic years ago, and especially before volunteering for PTA!!
I worked with a malignant narcissist once. Everyone thought he was wonderful, charming etc. He set his sights on me and I nearly got sucked in but when I got closer to him I started to get a glimpse of the cruel controlling side of his personality and I ran a mile.
THEY ARE NOT LISTENING 😅
that got me. *I* am finally listening. Sheesh.
12 yrs living with a vulnerable narcissist ended up disgusting me from women as a whole. I’m too old, too exhausted and too poor now to give that sick kind any chance again.
This is freeing; thank you! I found myself in that trap of trying to help the narcissists in my life over and over again because I love them so much. But, I am hurt and damaged as a result. Now that I'm a senior, I just stay in my cave because I can't deal with anymore pain and I don't want to risk hurting anyone because "I" am now so hurt. Hope this makes sense.
Yes. Dont beat yourself up. Know that is them. Not you. Be you! Choose happy.
I can relate completely. This popped up in my feed this morning, which is exactly what I needed to hear. My mom called me for help. I agreed. The next day when I called to discuss specifics, I was told that she and my narcissistic brother decided I was not good enough, in so many words, so forget it. My help is no longer needed. They don’t know this yet, but that was the last straw, and I am gone! It truly is more peaceful to be alone.
8:30 raised by 2 narcissists in the military. Nobody taught us what "the right way" to do anything was. We were expected to do it over and over until we got it right. Watched my dad tear our rooms up and flip mattresses and yell like a drill instructor because our rooms wouldn't pass barracks inspection..... I'm 5 and nobody showed me how to clean, why would i need to pass inspection?
Tbh these videos make me question a lot if I'm a narcissist because i had to learn how to survive 2 of them or if I lean more towards people pleasing. Deep down I crave the validation of doing something good and right because we never got it from our parents. But the validation is not WHY I do things. I don't even have social media. Do I do nice things for validation? No, but it is nice to know that the gestures are appreciated.
Wondering if you might be a narcissist is a pretty sure sign that you aren't one; narcissists tend to not even consider things like that about themselves.
@@R2Bl3nd Not necessarily. It's possible to pick up certain narcissistic traits - as in behavior patterns- which might remain unconscious for period of time. Of course it takes some measure of self awareness to notice these and willingness to change.
I remember when I first realized I was married to a narcissist.. I had also seen a video by Dr. Ramani, and also Dr. Les Carter.. it was like suddenly everything made sense and I could see clearly.. it was a profound moment and I felt so much relief because I was thinking that I must be the problem. These videos have made ALL the difference for me! I will forever be grateful🙏🏼❤️
I was raised by two narcissists. One's a vulnerable narcissist and a the other a covert narcissist. Fun ride and therapy forever for me
Oh, the same here.I finally found a psychiatrist or therapist that doesn't cry.You have to go for the old army ones and then they can help you.
@ruddiko how did they interact with each other, if you don’t mind sharing?
@@ginnymobley8246Yes! Mine's ex Navy and I appreciate so much having someone that doesnt steer away from the hard bits so I can address it.
Me too. The funny thing is, they're awful to each other too! My sisters and I finally went no-contact with them, and it was the best decision we could have made. They're strictly each others problem now.
"Gift" that keeps giving.
when you're extremely alone in your life and you need as clear and straightforward person as Dr Ramani making you hear simple hard truths...
Your never truly alone God loves you and sees all.. but I understand that feeling of loneliness too❤
As well as Dr. Les Carter. He also covers Narcissistic behaviors, etc.
Dr. Ramani is brilliant. This is an excellent interview. Please have her on more often.
I finally left. Best decision I ever made!