My attempts as a child to get my emotional needs met were often swatted away. Literally. Instead of connection I got shame. And fear of shame dominated my life. Which led to shameful consequences (being unable to show up as a man in my relationships or career). Eventually all roads led to shame and an impoverished life. I’m coming out of it now; after decades of waiting to be rescued. This is tough work people, but you are worth it. Blessings to all.
@@Star-dj1kw thank you for the kind response. Last night I wrote Halloween cards to my children and the love that I felt for them also trickle down to my wounded inner child. It was poignant, felt good and it also hurt, and then I realized that my parents who are both still alive, simply didn’t have access to this type of love. they had locked their feelings away so completely. I really leveled up in that moment, and I could feel pity for them for not having access to the love I was feeling. It takes a great deal of work and persistence to break the bonds of generational, trauma and pain. They’ve never done the work they have no interest in doing the work, and as such, they’ll never feel the same connection. I can appreciate it more because I had to work so hard to get it. and divinity delights in my growth and celebrates my success. Blessings to all on their healing journey you are heroes. You are brave and strong. Keep it up. It’s worth it.
I am very sorry you went through this. Everyone deserves love and comfort but not everyone gets it. My husband is struggling with this too and never feels good enough. It has been a hard life for both of us. Blessings
No, YOU are worth it. You aren't doing this work for them, never forget that. Had a similar situation in my life, still do. Shame rules me in ways I can't understand, and after a life of hardship I am barely beginning to get my head an inch out of the water. But I am proud to have come this far, and you should be to. Many don't survive a life of quiet desperation. Glad to see you here, may you find what you're looking for yourself one day.
Im right in the middle of the same thing right now. Suffering horrendously. Have done 99% of my life. Never developed self reliance. Unemployed most of the time. Only recently came to realise how horrifically I was treated by narcissistic parents. I hope I make it out of this rat-hole for my kids sake and my own. God bless you all.
Best quote/metaphor I ever heard re: big T & little t was, " you can drown in the ocean and you can drown in a bath tub - the damage is the same" & it really helped me put it into perspective
The little t trauma is so misunderstood by so many people, even by people around me. And it makes me feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I've been in therapy almost all my life, just because I get so overwhelmed constantly. I have a great dramatherapist and a great coach that help me regulate my emotions. I'm growing and learning and I am proud of where I am right now. Your videos have helped a lot too. Giving words to feelings and behavior. So thank you, Tim, for sharing your wisdom ❤
@gember1382 hi ...great to hear about the things you are doing to heal yourself. Please consider making a video talking/demonstrating for the rest of us what dramatherapy is and how it has helped you... and posting a link to it. Only if it interests you to do so of course. ❤
Making a big deal out of nothing...I've felt like that many times when I've shared my little t trauma with people that don't understand trauma. "Let the past go, don't let it get you down, push past it, etc" of course then there's the "why didn't you just say no" well, because of freeze response, it's frustrating
😢You just described my childhood, Tim. I guess I'm a sensitive person. But I've spent my life trying to hide & suppress it. Sensitively is too often ridiculed as weakness in our American society.
Wow! You took a lifetime of issues and put it into a clear straightforward understandable synopsis that I've been trying to understand for 68 years. Wow!
I personally don't like it being called Big T trauma and Little T trauma because Little T trauma sounds insignificant but its cumulative effects can be big. Alex Howard uses Overt and Covert trauma and that sits better with me. I love Tim Fletcher's work. He's really helped me understand things in a helpful, informative way. Many thanks Tim.
You can’t compare going through war, rape, a severe car accident, hurricanes or someone having a g*n to their head to little T. They are horrific to go through and your life is in danger and tend to cause PTSD.
Does the 'little t' do justice to what actually happens to a chronically neglected baby who is frightened to death? I, too, find the term unfortunate. It is not what appears spectacular from the perspective of an adult that makes the trauma significant, but how the victim experiences it.
fight flight or fawn(faking death to protect self)/freeze--very familiar with this in my life and just realized the connection between release of opiods and addiction tendencies. wow. was often told "stop crying or i'll give you something to cry about." i started therapy in 1990, and just now at 59 i feel like a whole person deserving better in life. thankful to have survived and for my resilience in being here today.
I agree. The way society is set up to 'function' seriously erodes human possibility to experience joy and fulfillment. Time to turn the boat around. xx❤
The little t trauma--the neglect--is the lifetime of relationships a person couldn't have because they were dysfunctional and couldn't figure out how to relate to other people. The little t trauma is the lifetime of jobs they couldn't get because not only could they not figure out how to relate to the interviewers, but because they didn't have the self-confidence to follow up on an interview or speak up for themselves, or the jobs or promotions they couldn't get because they couldn't speak up for themselves in an unfair job situation. And pile one of those situations on top of another, on top of another, on top of another. No one helps, because they weren't able to establish any relationships. But that little t is like the slow drip, drip, drip of erosion. The only amazing thing is to be 70 or 80 years old and realize that you survived all of it ALL BY YOURSELF.
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I am single and childless for this reason. I just cannot connect to anyone. I'm too exhausted from the negative thoughts to have children even if I had been able to form a relationship.
Another word for it is called microaggressions, and yes, the damage is cumulative. Now, pile on top of all this, the trauma you can't escape because of things you can't hide, like skin color. The other day I was confronted with a situation where a friend of mine was challenged by a total stranger as to their immigration status. This person was born in America. They handled it with dignity, but I'm pretty sure it's not the first time its happened and the only reason this person was challenged in such a manner is their ethnicity. When I confronted the person who made that challenge their response was that they did not care. We are both part of a volunteer organization and when I pointed out that this could cost us a lot of goodwill, they said that they did not care. It has made me rethink my continuing involvement with this organization.
Well done MarthaCatMom. I understand implicitly. I recently put a book I wrote of my experiences in childhood and marriage on amazon kindle, but so far no one's read it. It's called Curb Your Narcissism.
@@theresemalmberg955I personally feel that you (and other SJWs) highjack this this small T trauma and make it all about ‘skin colour’ to fit some kind of agenda that has a nasty habit in the world today of highjacking just about everything!! It makes me really angry 😠
@@MsDamosmum Well I am sorry that it makes you feel really angry. Now I have to ask you something. Have you ever been challenged about your right to be somewhere just because someone made an assumption about you? Have you ever had anonymous phone calls calling you a slur? Have you ever had your home or vehicle vandalized because you belonged--or someone thought you belonged--to the "wrong" group? Or have you sailed through life free of all of this? You are making an assumption about me. You don't know me, you've never met me, but you feel free to make an assumption, just like the person in the volunteer group felt free to make an assumption about my friend. An assumption that could cost our group dearly because they also assumed that the person that they were making this assumption about is not someone who has a lot of influence in our community. Not so. We are now having to go into damage control mode. As I said, if you are one of the lucky ones who have never been on the receiving end of this, and you've never witnessed this, then yes, it is easy to dismiss this as making this all about race. At the end of the day, trauma is trauma, and if speaking out and letting people know that certain factors tend to compound trauma in already traumatized individuals makes me a SJW, then yes, I am a SJW and proud of it. I am not trying to hijack anything, I am trying to bring awareness.
Yep. I’ve learned so much from Tim about why my brain is the way it is, and it makes me sad that my ability to “connect” with people has been eroded. Tim often says the key to healing trauma is connecting with safe people, but our society makes finding and keeping those people very difficult. It’s easier and less painful for me to be a lone wolf. I hope to change that one day, though.
My fellow black sheep. At least we can see the truth and talk about it. The non black sheep in our families are unable to even see the truth. We're not nearly as broken as some might think. We still clearly see reality.
@@ValreeaI agree. And safer especially if you haven't healed. It appears the world is exponentially becoming more narcissistic and cruel. I fully understand there are good people out there but they're few and far between these days.
@@Lyrielonwind i was essentially raised to become an addict by a workaholic/alcoholic narcissist father. The narcissistic family dynamic is enough to undermine your own sense of self.
@@h.j.chapin9595 I know. I have suffered and I'm still scarred. I say it because I think there's a correlation in the sense it's easier to fall into addiction if your body is flooded with your own opiates since childhood because your body is getting ready to get hurted like in freeze response. It's not that you can become an addict, you already were hooked since childhood but the drug didn't come from outside so, it didn't show.
Most of us who survived childhood abuse got a mix of verbal, emotional, physical & sexual abuse but especially females experienced the latter. It destroys our lives. Correlates strongly with suicide
I cringe to think of how much happened before I came on line. One of the first things I wondered was when my real family was coming to get me. Everyday was full of small t events, and a couple times a week were the yelling and physical occurrences. If it wasn’t coming from my parents, it was supplemented by my brothers. That went on for 15 years until they left and my dad started traveling for work. I got beat countless times, among all the other abuse that came with. Your content is helping me realize why I feel the way I do, at a deeper level of understanding than I have had. I know alternative thoughts around these patterns help temper my reactions, the triggers can come from anything. I have been in counseling for over 6 years now. It has helped with some of the really bad memories, but I have a lot of work to do for a better baseline. Thank you for your work. Some of us need to hear this on the regular.
I can so relate. I was lost/left behind in a zoo and as a compliant child sat down and waited for my parents. They did not miss me and I waited until closing, where the keeper found me sitting on a bench covered with happy exotic birds on me and sitting with me. He called for my parents. I remember hoping another family would find me and take me to be their child. It amazed me that at 5, I knew I could have a better life with different adults. And now my Dad feels neglected and lonely. Sorry but you set yourself up. We learned to be alone from you, Dad. You were unsafe. You still are unsafe.
You have described how I’ve felt for all my life with amazing accuracy. And I have both big T and little T trauma; my entire life with a warped, jaded self, so unaware of the great degree in which both of my parents had abused and neglected me. The more the pain, the more the disconnect with my own mind, my own body. “Comfortably Numb” from Pink Floyd comes to mind. Thank you for your videos, they’re like a balsam to those of us who suffer from childhood trauma.
Excellent! No wonder I was a more sensitive, shy, introverted child than my siblings and at the same time experienced more trauma and shame from the attention I didn't get from my narcissist Mom.
Thank you.🙏🏻 Most don’t know, thinking mild abuse is normal for decades. Never too late to heal and learn about acceptance of human psychology. There would always be darkness and struggle in life for thousands of years before evolution finds ways….. 🙏🏻
I experienced Trauma as a Child and I am STILL, as an Adult Dealing with those effects to my Personality!!!! Trauma is REAL and it is ONLY JESUS CHRIST who has Given me VICTORY to WALK in Newness of Life, despite what I have endured! THANK YOU, JESUS!!
Beautiful and brilliant summation of the most common cause of trauma I have seen in recovery. I recognize it after years of struggle, I and can see myself, (and all my co-sufferers ) that adapt with substance abuse, codependency, and workaholics (etc etc). Thank you! I first discovered your insight with the Four F's. This is excellent a summation as I have ever seen! Bravo Tim Fletcher!
For me, buying things is how I survive all this. I was C section and my mother had fibroids removed at the same time so she never really connected with me. And she was also a narcissist. Plus lots of other trauma. I want to not do so much buying things, but it's what I know when I don't have a pet. This information is helpful but I really need GOD to help me more.
Try heart centering prayer 🙏 look it up! It’s meditation from the heart ♥️ breather deeply into your chest area then repeat a simple mantra like Bliss or something that only feels positive & it will send you higher. Try for only a few minutes at a time daily & think about it as a sip of ☮️
So many people roll their eyes 👀 and tell me everyone has bad things happen in their life, so get over it…. Let it go, Offer it up. So condescending and insensitive.
Those folks that talk that way would fold in one day walking around under constant pressure. And, from my experience, God is a good God and ALWAYS gets vengeance on those type of people. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord God Almighty, and trust me, God is not a liar.
I've experienced childhood abuse from multiple caregivers SA abuse and physical, I was almost kidnapped or human trafficked but I managed to leave that country the same day, I've experienced narcissistic abuse from multiple people in my life and work, Ive experienced medical gaslighting when i then discovered i have serious life threatening autoimmune conditions, I had a close family member recently commit suicide ( I imagine he experienced the same abuse as me in his lifetime) yet my last therapist treated me like I was the problem and the trauma ive experienced in my life is little T trauma when I live dissociated nearly everyday and am trying hard to get back into my body. 🤦
This video is as clear and understandable as ever. Thank you for that. I understand how you differentiate between the 'little t' and the 'big T'. But does the 'little t' do justice to what is actually happening? Look into the wide-open eyes of a cumulative attachment traumatised, neglected infant and you'll know that what they are experiencing is not 'small'. Nor is it normal or ordinary, it's abnormal. An anti-natural lack of instinct on the part of their caregivers, resulting from similar early abuse. It's not what seems spectacular to us that makes the trauma severe, but how the victim experiences it.
I have been listening to your video's often. Lots of it has become to me too however every experience suggests it has happened around birth. I have lived in a bubble until my 40's. No therapy helped my overcome the trauma except Ayahuasca. Most difficult to me is there is nobody who can really help with birth trauma which actually makes you get born with lots of pain en complexity. May all of us find peace in our body🙏
I am having such a hard time right now. I have CPTSD and have been trying to work through all of these things and I was feeling pretty good there for a while and now I’m back in the hole. And every day I just wanna go to bed and not wake up the next day it’s just so hard to face each day right now. Not to mention I live in a country that’s at war and it’s hard to face that every day as well aside from the fact that I can’t even leave the country even if I want to to, get away and have a break. I wish this got easier.
This gave so much more clarity to me on what happened and why. I just wish I didn’t feel like the only sane person in an insane family. They’re all very intelligent, why can’t they understand any of this?
I was the most sensitive but it was also me very logically justifying everything that happened and was said on top of the big T stiff and so I brushed the little T off
Thank you Tim. ❤ Do you have any knowledge to share regarding the effects of the brain chemicals and hormones of the mother... on the child developing in the womb? Could a sensitive child 'be aware' at some level in the womb, of its own danger, if the mother is in fear/danger herself and already sharing those chemicals?
Good question! Not necessarily awareness (as in they can process what is happening), but will likely have an impact on the development of the brain and nervous system, and could have life-long impacts. A lot of the emerging research is pointing in this direction, and I'm very open to it. (See studies by Jill M. Goldstein, et. al)
I'd like to hear more about the oxytocin aspect. This is the first time I've seen Oxytocin mentioned as part of the threat response itself, possibly because it's a well-resourced response? too ordinary? or maybe it's rare - especially among those with 'little t' trauma, making the outcomes of 'big T' trauma worse. To reach out implies you grew and still have the bodily power of voice and other small acts, and implies *faith* or hope in connection to a stronger more resourced person who will respond positively. So is oxytocin how the body has some hope built in? Does it make that action feel worth while in the split second where it decides how to respond on your behalf? ie. a chemical that creates a sense of resource in the autonomic nervous system? ...Compared to say disorganised attachment that lacks that sense of a 'safe base', or simple 'trust' of a child with a caregiver, so in the face of threat a person might stall in confusion (potentially adding to danger, trying to assess a double threat) or dissociate (wait it out, wait to die or not die without feeling a care about it)
It makes me reflect on similar aspects. Oxytocin might simply oppress the fear of the foreign in moments of gestation, caring. I just realised that we might also go for oxytocin as opiod kicks in physical and other relationships. This may explain the acceptance of tumultous relationships that trigger more opiods than oxytocin. We might also bond to the wrong circumstances or people. It may therefore be linked to hope as hope is essentially linked to fear. Most people live on hope as last resort and cannot imagine a life without (specific) hopes. Being hopeful as such is different: it's rather a relaxed form of serenity and positive indifference = trust in life. To constantly go into fearful or emergency states as with adrenaline and dopamine highs is as extreme and depleting as 'high hopes'. Often followed by disappointment and demotivation/depression. Only to be exchanged for the next (delusional) kick of mania. I don't believe that just the bipolar are bipolar... we all are and especially those who were pushed early into a quick release of conflicting substances/emotions.
I have what you call big t trauma but when I compare other people’s trauma it seems small, which makes me feel like I’m wrong for being affected by it.
I loved your comment on identity. By recognizing my identity as a child of God I am able to alleviate my anxiety and depression. It makes me wonder about those fighting for identity today.
7 min in and I'm like, "Yeah, when do we ever get to be happy, when does the joy ever come, is there ever a day mom can just laugh and have a good time, what does it take for dad to come home and be glad to be with us?" Joy never came, it was never a good day to just be happy. Not ever.
My dad was a bartender growing up and it seems the only time he was home was to eat shit and sleep. When he wasn't working he'd rather be hanging out around the corner at the Post. When he was home it was always go up to your room. I don't think he ever said hi to me growing up.
As you say, ''most traumas happen on the mild, spectrum'', but some may have many traumas in the long term which can turn into complex PTSD. Some may have profound trauma -running from war and seeing very evil things. Each person's story is unique.
YOu have saved my life. Thank you. The church is too constraining. In the name of teaching who God is and how to please him, my individuality and authenticity is taken away. Religion makes me sick. Thank god youtube recommended your video.
Why do you use example of Dad getting angry & yelling every night as a 'little T trauma' -- that's abuse, aggression, violence, externally obvious, surely part of Big T trauma? It's the 'nice' houses which look all fine on the surface but the child is feeling isolated/ unsupported - not even told anything negative, just a worn-out or ill parent...who the child worries about, too.. it's so subtle..
Why do all these videos just point out your pain but then do nothing to say how to fix it? Thanks a lot for reminding me of my trauma. Now what? What if a person can’t afford therapy or is still unable to get help. Honestly I am beginning to think these do more harm than good. 😭😭😭
So if I follow your reasoning correctly it means that the more sensitive a child is the higher the chances that if traumatized he will become a narcissist. For example when two children experience the same trauma the more sensitive one will have to protect himself more therefore will get NPD.
If the child is neglected and has a small amygdala then they can end up with Borderline Personality Discorder .... these poor people are nightmares of emotional outbursts .... scariest shtt I've seen
Not sure that titles describing certain people as the ‘most sensitive’ helps people come forward. Just get rid of that, it’s extremely unhelpful and actually harmful.
@nishanacht I'm interested and agree at a certain level about the harm of labels (mostly as I see it - as people follow their label and then limit themselves to that way of being ...when other 'being-nesses' may serve their current needs better.) And indeed the labeling of children in their vulnerable early years... does more often than not... lead them to think that is who they are. However I can understand too .. that 'sensitive' sentient beings do exist on a physical level, as well as emotionally, spiritually...etc. The work of Elaine Aron on HSPs as a group, found that as a 'type' we exist in all sorts of animal groups...including humans. Highly Sensitive Person.❤
The threat of a predominantly rejecting, disregarding and neglectful primary carer from the day I was born as a girl made it impossible for me to regulate my nervous system sufficiently. This proved to be my undoing later, as nothing good seemed to be expected from such an insecure, withdrawn ('sensitive') child. In fact, given the challenge of this environment, I think I was pretty tough. As an adult, it has not been so easy to recognise and use my strength in the outside world. My family still does not respect me... So much for 'labels'. (Besides, high sensitivity is a superpower. But don't show it.)
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My attempts as a child to get my emotional needs met were often swatted away. Literally. Instead of connection I got shame. And fear of shame dominated my life. Which led to shameful consequences (being unable to show up as a man in my relationships or career). Eventually all roads led to shame and an impoverished life. I’m coming out of it now; after decades of waiting to be rescued. This is tough work people, but you are worth it. Blessings to all.
I’m so sorry. Children NEED affection, nurturing and emotional support.
@@Star-dj1kw thank you for the kind response. Last night I wrote Halloween cards to my children and the love that I felt for them also trickle down to my wounded inner child. It was poignant, felt good and it also hurt, and then I realized that my parents who are both still alive, simply didn’t have access to this type of love. they had locked their feelings away so completely. I really leveled up in that moment, and I could feel pity for them for not having access to the love I was feeling. It takes a great deal of work and persistence to break the bonds of generational, trauma and pain. They’ve never done the work they have no interest in doing the work, and as such, they’ll never feel the same connection. I can appreciate it more because I had to work so hard to get it. and divinity delights in my growth and celebrates my success. Blessings to all on their healing journey you are heroes. You are brave and strong. Keep it up. It’s worth it.
I am very sorry you went through this. Everyone deserves love and comfort but not everyone gets it. My husband is struggling with this too and never feels good enough. It has been a hard life for both of us. Blessings
No, YOU are worth it. You aren't doing this work for them, never forget that. Had a similar situation in my life, still do. Shame rules me in ways I can't understand, and after a life of hardship I am barely beginning to get my head an inch out of the water. But I am proud to have come this far, and you should be to. Many don't survive a life of quiet desperation. Glad to see you here, may you find what you're looking for yourself one day.
Im right in the middle of the same thing right now. Suffering horrendously. Have done 99% of my life. Never developed self reliance. Unemployed most of the time. Only recently came to realise how horrifically I was treated by narcissistic parents. I hope I make it out of this rat-hole for my kids sake and my own. God bless you all.
Best quote/metaphor I ever heard re: big T & little t was, " you can drown in the ocean and you can drown in a bath tub - the damage is the same" & it really helped me put it into perspective
The little t trauma is so misunderstood by so many people, even by people around me. And it makes me feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I've been in therapy almost all my life, just because I get so overwhelmed constantly. I have a great dramatherapist and a great coach that help me regulate my emotions. I'm growing and learning and I am proud of where I am right now. Your videos have helped a lot too. Giving words to feelings and behavior. So thank you, Tim, for sharing your wisdom ❤
Hi, I am the president of the Overwhelmed club 😂. The club nobody wants to participate in.
@gember1382 hi ...great to hear about the things you are doing to heal yourself. Please consider making a video talking/demonstrating for the rest of us what dramatherapy is and how it has helped you... and posting a link to it.
Only if it interests you to do so of course. ❤
Making a big deal out of nothing...I've felt like that many times when I've shared my little t trauma with people that don't understand trauma. "Let the past go, don't let it get you down, push past it, etc" of course then there's the "why didn't you just say no" well, because of freeze response, it's frustrating
Lack of a support network turns a tough time into lifelong traumatization.
😢You just described my childhood, Tim. I guess I'm a sensitive person. But I've spent my life trying to hide & suppress it. Sensitively is too often ridiculed as weakness in our American society.
hugs 🫂
Yes, but in reality it’s a super power
Same, in where I live
Wow! You took a lifetime of issues and put it into a clear straightforward understandable synopsis that I've been trying to understand for 68 years. Wow!
I personally don't like it being called Big T trauma and Little T trauma because Little T trauma sounds insignificant but its cumulative effects can be big. Alex Howard uses Overt and Covert trauma and that sits better with me. I love Tim Fletcher's work. He's really helped me understand things in a helpful, informative way. Many thanks Tim.
You can’t compare going through war, rape, a severe car accident, hurricanes or someone having a g*n to their head to little T. They are horrific to go through and your life is in danger and tend to cause PTSD.
hmm i like overt and covert better too, ty
Does the 'little t' do justice to what actually happens to a chronically neglected baby who is frightened to death? I, too, find the term unfortunate. It is not what appears spectacular from the perspective of an adult that makes the trauma significant, but how the victim experiences it.
fight flight or fawn(faking death to protect self)/freeze--very familiar with this in my life and just realized the connection between release of opiods and addiction tendencies. wow. was often told "stop crying or i'll give you something to cry about." i started therapy in 1990, and just now at 59 i feel like a whole person deserving better in life. thankful to have survived and for my resilience in being here today.
Thank you, you are helping so many people! We need to bring mental/emotional health care out of the dark ages.
I agree. The way society is set up to 'function' seriously erodes human possibility to experience joy and fulfillment.
Time to turn the boat around. xx❤
The little t trauma--the neglect--is the lifetime of relationships a person couldn't have because they were dysfunctional and couldn't figure out how to relate to other people. The little t trauma is the lifetime of jobs they couldn't get because not only could they not figure out how to relate to the interviewers, but because they didn't have the self-confidence to follow up on an interview or speak up for themselves, or the jobs or promotions they couldn't get because they couldn't speak up for themselves in an unfair job situation. And pile one of those situations on top of another, on top of another, on top of another. No one helps, because they weren't able to establish any relationships. But that little t is like the slow drip, drip, drip of erosion. The only amazing thing is to be 70 or 80 years old and realize that you survived all of it ALL BY YOURSELF.
I am single and childless for this reason. I just cannot connect to anyone. I'm too exhausted from the negative thoughts to have children even if I had been able to form a relationship.
Another word for it is called microaggressions, and yes, the damage is cumulative. Now, pile on top of all this, the trauma you can't escape because of things you can't hide, like skin color. The other day I was confronted with a situation where a friend of mine was challenged by a total stranger as to their immigration status. This person was born in America. They handled it with dignity, but I'm pretty sure it's not the first time its happened and the only reason this person was challenged in such a manner is their ethnicity. When I confronted the person who made that challenge their response was that they did not care. We are both part of a volunteer organization and when I pointed out that this could cost us a lot of goodwill, they said that they did not care. It has made me rethink my continuing involvement with this organization.
Well done MarthaCatMom. I understand implicitly. I recently put a book I wrote of my experiences in childhood and marriage on amazon kindle, but so far no one's read it. It's called Curb Your Narcissism.
@@theresemalmberg955I personally feel that you (and other SJWs) highjack this this small T trauma and make it all about ‘skin colour’ to fit some kind of agenda that has a nasty habit in the world today of highjacking just about everything!! It makes me really angry 😠
@@MsDamosmum Well I am sorry that it makes you feel really angry. Now I have to ask you something. Have you ever been challenged about your right to be somewhere just because someone made an assumption about you? Have you ever had anonymous phone calls calling you a slur? Have you ever had your home or vehicle vandalized because you belonged--or someone thought you belonged--to the "wrong" group? Or have you sailed through life free of all of this? You are making an assumption about me. You don't know me, you've never met me, but you feel free to make an assumption, just like the person in the volunteer group felt free to make an assumption about my friend. An assumption that could cost our group dearly because they also assumed that the person that they were making this assumption about is not someone who has a lot of influence in our community. Not so. We are now having to go into damage control mode. As I said, if you are one of the lucky ones who have never been on the receiving end of this, and you've never witnessed this, then yes, it is easy to dismiss this as making this all about race. At the end of the day, trauma is trauma, and if speaking out and letting people know that certain factors tend to compound trauma in already traumatized individuals makes me a SJW, then yes, I am a SJW and proud of it. I am not trying to hijack anything, I am trying to bring awareness.
And the trauma continues throughout life. This is what leads to becoming a Lone Wolf. ✝️
Agree 💯
Yep. I’ve learned so much from Tim about why my brain is the way it is, and it makes me sad that my ability to “connect” with people has been eroded. Tim often says the key to healing trauma is connecting with safe people, but our society makes finding and keeping those people very difficult. It’s easier and less painful for me to be a lone wolf. I hope to change that one day, though.
My fellow black sheep. At least we can see the truth and talk about it. The non black sheep in our families are unable to even see the truth. We're not nearly as broken as some might think. We still clearly see reality.
Amen :-). Stoic.
@@ValreeaI agree. And safer especially if you haven't healed. It appears the world is exponentially becoming more narcissistic and cruel. I fully understand there are good people out there but they're few and far between these days.
I think that the connections between freeze response, and the release of opioids, and later adictions is very clarifying.
@@Lyrielonwind i was essentially raised to become an addict by a workaholic/alcoholic narcissist father. The narcissistic family dynamic is enough to undermine your own sense of self.
@@h.j.chapin9595
I know. I have suffered and I'm still scarred. I say it because I think there's a correlation in the sense it's easier to fall into addiction if your body is flooded with your own opiates since childhood because your body is getting ready to get hurted like in freeze response.
It's not that you can become an addict, you already were hooked since childhood but the drug didn't come from outside so, it didn't show.
Most of us who survived childhood abuse got a mix of verbal, emotional, physical & sexual abuse but especially females experienced the latter. It destroys our lives. Correlates strongly with suicide
I can totally relate, as a male. I've had it all.
I cringe to think of how much happened before I came on line. One of the first things I wondered was when my real family was coming to get me. Everyday was full of small t events, and a couple times a week were the yelling and physical occurrences. If it wasn’t coming from my parents, it was supplemented by my brothers. That went on for 15 years until they left and my dad started traveling for work. I got beat countless times, among all the other abuse that came with.
Your content is helping me realize why I feel the way I do, at a deeper level of understanding than I have had.
I know alternative thoughts around these patterns help temper my reactions, the triggers can come from anything. I have been in counseling for over 6 years now. It has helped with some of the really bad memories, but I have a lot of work to do for a better baseline. Thank you for your work. Some of us need to hear this on the regular.
I can so relate. I was lost/left behind in a zoo and as a compliant child sat down and waited for my parents. They did not miss me and I waited until closing, where the keeper found me sitting on a bench covered with happy exotic birds on me and sitting with me. He called for my parents. I remember hoping another family would find me and take me to be their child. It amazed me that at 5, I knew I could have a better life with different adults.
And now my Dad feels neglected and lonely. Sorry but you set yourself up. We learned to be alone from you, Dad. You were unsafe. You still are unsafe.
@@loli3939 I am sorry this happened to you and hope you have found some peace later in life.
Thank you, Tim Fletcher. My mom died when I was 8 and my Dad was an alcoholic. You’re helping me.
You have described how I’ve felt for all my life with amazing accuracy. And I have both big T and little T trauma; my entire life with a warped, jaded self, so unaware of the great degree in which both of my parents had abused and neglected me. The more the pain, the more the disconnect with my own mind, my own body. “Comfortably Numb” from Pink Floyd comes to mind.
Thank you for your videos, they’re like a balsam to those of us who suffer from childhood trauma.
Helped me understand a lot, thank you
Excellent! No wonder I was a more sensitive, shy, introverted child than my siblings and at the same time experienced more trauma and shame from the attention I didn't get from my narcissist Mom.
Thank you.🙏🏻 Most don’t know, thinking mild abuse is normal for decades. Never too late to heal and learn about acceptance of human psychology. There would always be darkness and struggle in life for thousands of years before evolution finds ways….. 🙏🏻
I experienced Trauma as a Child and I am STILL, as an Adult Dealing with those effects to my Personality!!!! Trauma is REAL and it is ONLY JESUS CHRIST who has Given me VICTORY to WALK in Newness of Life, despite what I have endured! THANK YOU, JESUS!!
Amen!
Amen indeed. 🙏🏼
Beautiful and brilliant summation of the most common cause of trauma I have seen in recovery. I recognize it after years of struggle, I and can see myself, (and all my co-sufferers ) that adapt with substance abuse, codependency, and workaholics (etc etc). Thank you! I first discovered your insight with the Four F's. This is excellent a summation as I have ever seen! Bravo Tim Fletcher!
I habe also been extremely sensitive my whole live. I stopped eating meat when I was 12 bc of the horrific factory farms
The “little” T wired me to believe I was worth so little, that it set me up to attract a lot of “big” T in my life.
Well put
This explains a lot for me. Thank you.
Also, to my fellow sensitive peers here, the one thing I know is YOU CARE. Thats's EVERYTHING GOOD! 😍🙏🕊️
For me, buying things is how I survive all this. I was C section and my mother had fibroids removed at the same time so she never really connected with me. And she was also a narcissist. Plus lots of other trauma. I want to not do so much buying things, but it's what I know when I don't have a pet. This information is helpful but I really need GOD to help me more.
Try heart centering prayer 🙏 look it up! It’s meditation from the heart ♥️ breather deeply into your chest area then repeat a simple mantra like Bliss or something that only feels positive & it will send you higher. Try for only a few minutes at a time daily & think about it as a sip of ☮️
@@caroleminke6116 Why would anyone sip from a broken cross? (That "peace" sign is actually used by witches. It's the death rune as well.)
I feel exactly the same, my answer to everything is to buy something, I live with dreadful neglect trauma...
So many people roll their eyes 👀 and tell me everyone has bad things happen in their life, so get over it…. Let it go, Offer it up.
So condescending and insensitive.
Those folks that talk that way would fold in one day walking around under constant pressure. And, from my experience, God is a good God and ALWAYS gets vengeance on those type of people. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord God Almighty, and trust me, God is not a liar.
People that say this don't understand trauma at all.
I've experienced childhood abuse from multiple caregivers SA abuse and physical, I was almost kidnapped or human trafficked but I managed to leave that country the same day, I've experienced narcissistic abuse from multiple people in my life and work, Ive experienced medical gaslighting when i then discovered i have serious life threatening autoimmune conditions, I had a close family member recently commit suicide ( I imagine he experienced the same abuse as me in his lifetime) yet my last therapist treated me like I was the problem and the trauma ive experienced in my life is little T trauma when I live dissociated nearly everyday and am trying hard to get back into my body. 🤦
This video is as clear and understandable as ever. Thank you for that. I understand how you differentiate between the 'little t' and the 'big T'. But does the 'little t' do justice to what is actually happening? Look into the wide-open eyes of a cumulative attachment traumatised, neglected infant and you'll know that what they are experiencing is not 'small'. Nor is it normal or ordinary, it's abnormal. An anti-natural lack of instinct on the part of their caregivers, resulting from similar early abuse. It's not what seems spectacular to us that makes the trauma severe, but how the victim experiences it.
The third chemical released are opioids. I’ve never heard this before. I totally relate. Thank you Tim.
I have been listening to your video's often. Lots of it has become to me too however every experience suggests it has happened around birth. I have lived in a bubble until my 40's. No therapy helped my overcome the trauma except Ayahuasca. Most difficult to me is there is nobody who can really help with birth trauma which actually makes you get born with lots of pain en complexity.
May all of us find peace in our body🙏
Thank you.
I am having such a hard time right now. I have CPTSD and have been trying to work through all of these things and I was feeling pretty good there for a while and now I’m back in the hole. And every day I just wanna go to bed and not wake up the next day it’s just so hard to face each day right now. Not to mention I live in a country that’s at war and it’s hard to face that every day as well aside from the fact that I can’t even leave the country even if I want to to, get away and have a break. I wish this got easier.
This gave so much more clarity to me on what happened and why. I just wish I didn’t feel like the only sane person in an insane family. They’re all very intelligent, why can’t they understand any of this?
I was the most sensitive but it was also me very logically justifying everything that happened and was said on top of the big T stiff and so I brushed the little T off
Poor parents will point the framework of your mind in this direction, "yeah I beat you but you're not dead".
@@bloohaus8670 exactly 💯 ❤️
Exactly! Somehow justifying this fear-based "parenting" aka, abuse. We need and deserve better tools for raising children.
Amazing lecture, thank you so much
Thank you Tim. ❤
Do you have any knowledge to share regarding the effects of the brain chemicals and hormones of the mother... on the child developing in the womb?
Could a sensitive child 'be aware' at some level in the womb, of its own danger, if the mother is in fear/danger herself and already sharing those chemicals?
Good question! Not necessarily awareness (as in they can process what is happening), but will likely have an impact on the development of the brain and nervous system, and could have life-long impacts. A lot of the emerging research is pointing in this direction, and I'm very open to it. (See studies by Jill M. Goldstein, et. al)
@@TimFletcher thank you .
I'd like to hear more about the oxytocin aspect.
This is the first time I've seen Oxytocin mentioned as part of the threat response itself, possibly because it's a well-resourced response? too ordinary? or maybe it's rare - especially among those with 'little t' trauma, making the outcomes of 'big T' trauma worse.
To reach out implies you grew and still have the bodily power of voice and other small acts, and implies *faith* or hope in connection to a stronger more resourced person who will respond positively. So is oxytocin how the body has some hope built in? Does it make that action feel worth while in the split second where it decides how to respond on your behalf? ie. a chemical that creates a sense of resource in the autonomic nervous system?
...Compared to say disorganised attachment that lacks that sense of a 'safe base', or simple 'trust' of a child with a caregiver, so in the face of threat a person might stall in confusion (potentially adding to danger, trying to assess a double threat) or dissociate (wait it out, wait to die or not die without feeling a care about it)
It makes me reflect on similar aspects. Oxytocin might simply oppress the fear of the foreign in moments of gestation, caring.
I just realised that we might also go for oxytocin as opiod kicks in physical and other relationships. This may explain the acceptance of tumultous relationships that trigger more opiods than oxytocin. We might also bond to the wrong circumstances or people. It may therefore be linked to hope as hope is essentially linked to fear.
Most people live on hope as last resort and cannot imagine a life without (specific) hopes. Being hopeful as such is different: it's rather a relaxed form of serenity and positive indifference = trust in life.
To constantly go into fearful or emergency states as with adrenaline and dopamine highs is as extreme and depleting as 'high hopes'. Often followed by disappointment and demotivation/depression. Only to be exchanged for the next (delusional) kick of mania.
I don't believe that just the bipolar are bipolar... we all are and especially those who were pushed early into a quick release of conflicting substances/emotions.
Why are you not in Denmark ? This is so Well explained.
FYI, this talk is basically the premise of the book the Body Keeps the Score
I excelled at sensitively articulating every nuanced emotion, observation, & need TO. NO. AVAIL.EVER.
I have what you call big t trauma but when I compare other people’s trauma it seems small, which makes me feel like I’m wrong for being affected by it.
Spot on.
I loved your comment on identity. By recognizing my identity as a child of God I am able to alleviate my anxiety and depression. It makes me wonder about those fighting for identity today.
Thanks a lot. Very interesting.
7 min in and I'm like, "Yeah, when do we ever get to be happy, when does the joy ever come, is there ever a day mom can just laugh and have a good time, what does it take for dad to come home and be glad to be with us?" Joy never came, it was never a good day to just be happy. Not ever.
My dad was a bartender growing up and it seems the only time he was home was to eat shit and sleep. When he wasn't working he'd rather be hanging out around the corner at the Post. When he was home it was always go up to your room. I don't think he ever said hi to me growing up.
@@pmeehan_3 😢 hugs.
As you say, ''most traumas happen on the mild, spectrum'', but some may have many traumas in the long term which can turn into complex PTSD. Some may have profound trauma -running from war and seeing very evil things. Each person's story is unique.
I think “mild trauma” is a self-contradiction. Such a thing cannot exist by definition. Sorry, Tim is wrong here.
YOu have saved my life. Thank you. The church is too constraining. In the name of teaching who God is and how to please him, my individuality and authenticity is taken away. Religion makes me sick.
Thank god youtube recommended your video.
All intentional. That is the hard part.
Briliant!
Just wow 😢
My physical needs were often not met either....
🎯Hypervigilance
Why do you use example of Dad getting angry & yelling every night as a 'little T trauma' -- that's abuse, aggression, violence, externally obvious, surely part of Big T trauma? It's the 'nice' houses which look all fine on the surface but the child is feeling isolated/ unsupported - not even told anything negative, just a worn-out or ill parent...who the child worries about, too.. it's so subtle..
All of these that I have been blessed enough to watch, some just hit so hard. Thank you for helping me understand myself better. God bless all. ❤😊
Why do all these videos just point out your pain but then do nothing to say how to fix it? Thanks a lot for reminding me of my trauma. Now what? What if a person can’t afford therapy or is still unable to get help. Honestly I am beginning to think these do more harm than good. 😭😭😭
I am not sure if growing up in a household with domestic violence is a big or little “t” trauma?
Think of it as a spectrum rather than one or the other. I would say it's near the big T end especially for a child.
@@Lacking_something I understand; thank you for clarifying.
So if I follow your reasoning correctly it means that the more sensitive a child is the higher the chances that if traumatized he will become a narcissist. For example when two children experience the same trauma the more sensitive one will have to protect himself more therefore will get NPD.
Alcohol fixed everything for me starting at age 14
Been living in survival mode since grade six
I can relate. I've been in survival mode since I was 5 years old.
Been n freeze response 4 awhile. What I have been put through.....
God help us, people can make or break us, esp those who matter to us. Takes so long to come out from under the effects of it all.
If the child is neglected and has a small amygdala then they can end up with Borderline Personality Discorder .... these poor people are nightmares of emotional outbursts .... scariest shtt I've seen
seeing the baby ..out..then gettin placed in your arms on your chest or weighed etc etc ..causes oxytocin
You'd think we would've evolved to trauma by now lol
👍🏻
🥹
omg
I say big T is my birthright😂 cheers everybody❤ rejoice our king is coming with fire in his eyes😈
Not sure that titles describing certain people as the ‘most sensitive’ helps people come forward. Just get rid of that, it’s extremely unhelpful and actually harmful.
@nishanacht I'm interested and agree at a certain level about the harm of labels (mostly as I see it - as people follow their label and then limit themselves to that way of being ...when other 'being-nesses' may serve their current needs better.) And indeed the labeling of children in their vulnerable early years... does more often than not... lead them to think that is who they are.
However I can understand too .. that 'sensitive' sentient beings do exist on a physical level, as well as emotionally, spiritually...etc.
The work of Elaine Aron on HSPs as a group, found that as a 'type' we exist in all sorts of animal groups...including humans.
Highly Sensitive Person.❤
The threat of a predominantly rejecting, disregarding and neglectful primary carer from the day I was born as a girl made it impossible for me to regulate my nervous system sufficiently. This proved to be my undoing later, as nothing good seemed to be expected from such an insecure, withdrawn ('sensitive') child. In fact, given the challenge of this environment, I think I was pretty tough. As an adult, it has not been so easy to recognise and use my strength in the outside world. My family still does not respect me... So much for 'labels'.
(Besides, high sensitivity is a superpower. But don't show it.)