I worked in a job centre and supported people with disabilities on benefits, towards work. The youngsters from care or had a rough childhood had their issues but they were able to survive and cope. Youngsters of helicopter parents had been overprotected and totally failed by their parents in preparing them for the world. Absolutely we have plenty of trouble as we get older as our coping skills no longer work effectively to allow us to move on but we are infinitely more capable and more willing to grow to do better. Never lose hope, I've repeatedly seen that we can fly much higher than anyone else when we keep healing, one bit at a time. Look at every strong person and they've all been through it. Aim to be one of those inspirational people that later helps others fly too ❤
I actually caught myself being passive aggressive with a close friend the other night. I could feel the meanness of what I had said, and it was as if I caught my shadow in the act. I suddenly started crying and apologized to my friend for being passive aggressive and bitchy. He was awkwardly just accepting the abuse because of the trauma in his background. He also started crying and thanked me for pointing it out because now he is more clear on where he has the tendency to accept toxicity and where he can begin to speak his truth and set boundaries. It felt life changing for me, and I know it was healing for us both.
When you grow up underneath an umbrella of fear, you do whatever it takes to survive. When you finally get away from your abusers, you don't always know what you are doing. Like, you don't know how to run your life because you are free of your abusers, physically you are, but they still live in your head.
Spot on. I thought I could have a better relationship with my codependent mother after my father died, but narcissist Golden Child sister dropped right into place and took over, so, nope.
@@aquateal384 I i have been looking for this post. 🙏 Similar story, but my sister also stole my inheritance after mom killed herself, mom being the abuser everyone was aware of. Reading your words just pulled me back from a very dark place going thru right now. God bless you. Thank you
Thanks for remembering us neurodivergent folks. This is hard for us because we don’t know how much is the disability and how much is the trauma. Although my psychiatrist told me once that just because we are more prone to being affected by abuse, no one should be abusing us in the first place. It’s still them, not us.
My psychiatrist and therapist told me that I should not could not be successful because of my neurodivergcy I had lots of severe trauma multiple deaths 3 very violent I was abused incest and a neighbor. I had “corporal punishment “ I was never able to please my parents. I developed eating disorders and I was very intense to the point of acting out physically when people tried to touch me. My mom had depression my grandma alcoholic my sister had a teenage pregnancy and I was raised in a Baptist Deacon (Dad) home. Even though I was gifted I was denied isp classes and the gifted program at my new school on my first and second moves. I was also religiously abused by the church. I believed my doctor and therapist and even though I could have been anything I just lived sick and disabled. That’s the message I got. I’m doing shadow work now and I see my shadow side forgave her for not living up to her (mine inner child) expectations. I’m now seeking employment as a peer counselor! Yay me.
As a mother I know there is so much I have to unlearn from my own childhood so I don't traumatize my kids. Motherhood has brought up trauma I never knew I had. When my toddlers whine I get so triggered and I want to tell them "children should be seen and not heard!" But instead I try to say "if you could talk to me about what's wrong, I could help you. Could you try to take a breath and try telling me how I can help." When my toddlers throw things or hit me playfully, I want to get out a belt like one was brought out for me. Instead, I go outside, take a breath, come back and tell them I don't like being hit because it hurts and we should respect each other's bodies and boundaries. When my toddlers don't want to listen to instructions I have to deprogram that they are just disrespectful instead of just being distracted to listen. There's so much I can talk about. These were all really helpful but please could you do a video on working through childhood trauma when youre triggered by your own children.
@@ovariantrolley2327 what are you talking about? It seems you didn’t read the post at all. When did she say anything that indicated her toddlers were telling her how to parent? Also, if her instinct is to yell at her kids or beat them with a belt, then she absolutely should NOT follow her instincts. Taking a breather, stepping outside, and realizing she doesn’t want to repeat patterns from her childhood is absolutely the right thing to do.
You know, I'm in a very similar situation at a times, I'm a "stay-at-home Dad" and, oh boy, do they trigger me when both my 4yo and 2yo talk back, or begin to question instructions haha, but you know, so far I have ever treated them in a disrespectful manner, of course, it's waaaaay too hard, but I know I'm not the only one with this conviction, that we must save our kids from our past, and help them have a bright future 🫶🏼 Keep Yourselves Ever Courageous!!
Gosh , hey u , they whole point of suffering is to gain understanding to be gentle with young hearts or beat up hearts & not be able to hurt them ! one way or another, 💝🚴♀️
I always felt shame and humiliation when a person I dated was telling me I was “ranting”, when I was simply attempting to express myself and to be heard. Somehow I felt even more hurt and wounded having to hear the person who was claiming to care and love me instead belittle me and dismiss me entirely without even taking anything I said into consideration. Even when I had gone above and beyond for that person to meet their needs in their time of need, yet when it came time for them to help me and reciprocate they began giving me the reasons as to why they couldn’t help me, and when I said something they began behaving badly, angrily and began telling me off. All because I dared ask for basic of human kindness and reciprocal care.
I'm in a relationship where my partner has anxiety and gets upset by a lot of things. The upsetness comes out as ranting. I have my own anxiety, and having been around family members and previous partners with intense anger, hearing these rants makes me want to shut down or even distrust them. I also think my sibling and I weren't well-received when we expressed "negative" emotions, and so I project my shame of expressing those emotions onto others when they do it. I appreciate your comment, because it's given me insight into how my partner might feel. I hate that you had those experiences during dating, and I hope you've found a partner, friend, or community that makes you feel safe when you express yourself
@@whimsy_gal5205 Thank you for the kind words ..! I really appreciate it . The last person that I dated was someone who used my vulnerabilities to the fullest. When I had shared with him that my mother was never in my life and had abandoned me., he used that against me. He said:” Well nobody wants you and you don’t have any friends”. I don’t think he ever cared for me or had any compassion for me as one human being to another. After he told me that, it was the end for me. I broke up with him and he cried and begged me to stay and give him a second chance. Interestingly his explanation for why he said those cruel things to me was as he said: “ because he wanted to get my attention”, even though he said he knew that it will hurt me to tell me those ugly things. I am a very aware woman, I am working on my Master’s degree in counseling and mental health., and I am well aware that when someone says you’re the sole problem and they don’t want to take any responsibility for their behavior that’s a red flag. Ranting about how we feel is a way to let our grief and frustration, it is not a way to make anyone feel uncomfortable or hurt. But so often the people who need to hear us the most are the very same people who have many unresolved problems themselves and they simply cannot., because of their own psychological mindsets and triggers. I don’t overreact or go on rants, but when a person has mistreated me, taken advantage of me, abused my kindness I feel they need to hear me out. But most often the person refuses to do so, because they’re narcissistic and don’t care to face their own shortcomings and problems. If a person says they wait for you to get therapy and fix yourself, that’s not a person who thinks they’re a part of a problem in a relationship, that’s a person who thinks you’re the problem and the sooner you fix yourself the sooner they can be with you, mean while completely ignoring their own problems and shortcomings., and fixating on you and their perception on how you’re flawed and messed up. A healthy relationship begins with being aware of your own flaws, and many individuals simply don’t accept that., they think they’re better than the other person, they can’t accept any responsibility even when they’re blatantly in the wrong. You can’t have a relationship with someone who runs away from personal responsibility and blames the other person entirely.
I haven’t had any romantic relationships yet at age 28, I’m too undesirable in every way possible. But every friendship I’ve had has been exactly like this. I “rant” and it’s not okay, but I’m still expected to listen to them “rant” about the dumbest shit, like “my boyfriend cheated on me for the 16th time. Should I leave him?” Well, duh, yeah you should. But if I told her “yeah, leave his ass” it was “I CANT BELIEVE YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE” like girl…I’m not even allowed to vent to you about ANYTHING, and you’re gonna ask for dumb advice, and then get mad when I don’t read your mind and tell you what you wanna hear?? Idk, people are just too exhausting. It’s like I have “I’m an emotional punching bag-use me” tattooed on my forehead. Oh, and then when I would bring up how the friendships weren’t even close to reciprocal so I need to step away, then I was “selfish, bitchy, needy” and “they never really liked me anyway.” Yeah, I know, and that’s why I’m dipping out.
Hey Patrick... have you ever done a video on "secondary trauma" (for lack of a better word)? Example: I was a straight A, Honor Roll student in line to receive 2 scholarships for college. My father's response to learning about this was to backhand me and make me quit school. Wasn't long after, knowing I'd never have a chance at life if i didn't leave, I ran away as soon as I turned 18. I was homeless, uneducated, never had a job (forbidden at father's house), didn't even know how to apply for a job or do taxes or anything. As a homeless young girl, i applied to job after job after job. I was told so many times, "don't you wish you had stayed in school, listened to your parents now" and that sort of thing. This was from strangers, mostly potential employers. I NEEDED a job desperately, I was homeless and hungry and scared, so that did cause me trauma to be labeled/denied opportunities because my education had been taken away from me. Does that make sense what I mean by secondary trauma? Where my childhood situations caused me further trauma after I left because then I had many people blaming me for not staying in school, even though there had been nothing i wanted more than to finish school. I dunno. Just curious if you've done any videos on that. It's very similar to "blaming the victim" of a SA attack... what were you wearing? As if what you're wearing had any bearing on what happened to you. Lemme know. Thank you.
I very much relate to this, and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Our child abuse and neglect sets us up for so many other obstacles with no one to help us through it. My mother has sabotaged my education and career over and over. And I got tons of judgement from employer, professors, and peers about it. I also had trauma was from therapists. Constant gaslighting that my parents just needed me to speak to them in a mature manner with good communication skills,, telling me I was resentful as if that were a choice causing all my problems,, naming my anxiousness as a problem in and of itself rather than something that had a root cause. It went on for decades. It wasn't unil the last 10 years that therapsts like Patrick started to show up in the world. I found him at the age of 48 when googling for how to do a family cut-off.
THIS. If I had a dollar for every person who didn't believe me when I said that not all parents want their kids to succeed academically, and that some of us were literally forbidden from doing homework as to not threaten egos or the power dynamic... well, probably would have had enough money to put myself through a few semesters 🙄 I was a bright student, and my parents would punish me for bruising my dad's ego by going to class with incomplete work and being humiliated... they even told my teachers to announce it to the class so I would learn my lesson. Eventually, your grades drop so low you can't save them, and even if you could, your ability to focus and mental health are totally offline. It's absolute bullshit that our college eligibility is based on a time when we are minors and controlled by others.
@@june7963 I'm so sorry this happened to you. And, if you're interested, maybe community college wherever you are would be a good more recent base to apply to whatever program you SHOULD have gotten to discover with your parents' encouragement and support.
We were burdens. Man, that was exactly how I grew up. And I lived that people pleaser, perfectionist life for years. Thank goodness for healing therapy/therapists.
Yes, I was the youngest and everyone was allowed to, even encouraged to bully me. I was referred to as one more mouth to feed. Yes, I developed food issues.
I feel the same. I was in a car accident, when I 16 yo. The injuries caused me be a paraplegic. I got septic shock in the hospital while in ICU. This was one of first times , I seen my father cry and he showed despair if my illness. The nurses woke my parents up around 1 am, and told them I would not make it through the night. As my parents were sitting by my bed, my mother fell asleep and fell out of the chair. My father told her if she could not stay awake for this, then she should leave. She got up and went to bed not knowing if I would survive the night. Her sleep was more important than staying wake at her 16 yo daughter’s possible death bed. I was treated as a burden. In my twenties, she told me I ruined her life because she could not keep a boyfriend because she had to take care me. My father rarely spent time with me because he worked 12 hours a day everyday. He did not try have a relationship with me. He expected his children to come visit him. I was the a perfectionist and over achiever just wanting their love. They showed me the most love and brag about me when I graduated high school and college or attending a event honoring individuals, who made Dean’s list. I was the scapegoat and truth teller. My step mom and my mom had to make me the villain or liar.
I realize I can be serious and intense and have had people call me out on that. I have just lived in survival mode my entire life and there is little room to be silly and carefree as others.
I relate to this so much didnt even find a lot of jokes funny that obviously cut down friends in high school. Thankfully now i can find the funny through a few good friends who stuck by. When i feel safe i laugh. The rest of thw time im faking it.
Currently 27 .... raising a 8 year old and yesterday I lashed out the way my parents use to do and immediately had to run off and catch myself.........I always try not to be like my parents but yesterday just showed I'm not over and i need to unlearn those nasty habits 🤦🏿♀️ im getting bacj into therapy so I can be a better person and mother ....this is soo hard!!! Everyday I fight with myself over all the mentally and emotionally abuse I had to endure
I know you can be better, and you will be a great mother, because you have recognized it and want to address it. If not, then you wouldn’t care. I’ve had to work on being jealous of my children’s stable home. When they would act in my mind, not grateful enough or not take care of their things; I’d say things like, “You all should be thankful to have your childhood. You have no idea what it’s like growing up in what I did!” Then I’m like, woah, no I’m so happy you DONT KNOW. That means I have done better than what I had. It’s a process, and I’ve had to check myself multiple times. Continue to realize and check yourself when need be. We can do this! ❤
At least you caught it! I caught myself being my dad to my stepson 😢. But I caught it and stopped doing it and saying those horrible things. I wasn't perfect but he told me at age 25, that I treated him better then his real dad (alcoholic) and his mom who screamed at him mostly😢. He is functioning, works and has an apartment. Tough old world man. Good luck and may God bless you 😊
I knew I would blow it as a parent, so I promised myself I would always take responsibility for my wrong behavior, labeling it as wrong. That is one thing my parents never did and blamed me for their bad behavior.
One of the life lessons I have learned is that shame begets shame. If you feel shame for past trauma, you are liable to do things in future that are also a subject of shame.
I agree. I feel like shame is the "known" or even, "best known" experience. We've learned how to live with or in it as a daily part of life; it becomes normal. When we don't feel shame, it's confusing and possibly frightening, because we don't know how to handle those other GOOD feelings. Deep inside, we KNOW we should feel shame, because that's who we are, (that is the lie). We are special, wonderful, precious little people who were not treated that way!!! The adults we thought knew more than we did, and even knew US better than we did were mean angry liars!! You know who you are deep inside; they never cared to find out and nurture you as they should have. I have felt ashamed my whole life; but I just told my inner child all the truths she never heard and that she was never a bad kid; a weight was lifted. And I'll keep telling her, so she stays away from experiences that may cause her to feel shame again. It will be a new forever process of lifting up, rather than putting down. Wishing you the best!! I was using rapid eye technology as I spoke to myself also.
One thing I've realized... once you've been pigeonholed by the very people who are your motivation to learn a better way, it's too late. Once you've been labeled, it's a done deal. You could go for years demonstrating the changes you've made through understanding why I am the clay I am, they are merely spending those same years just waiting for you to revert back to who they've already deemed you to be. It's why I isolate myself. The work I've done to correct my issues is never enough.
its why I cut contact with my blood relatives years ago. no matter how much I grew and changed, they'd never even consider the possibility that I was different from the labels they forced on me when I was three years old.
May be you just have wong people. Find new one. I had a very supportive husband in my jorney who noticed and praised each positive change in my behaviour
“Please don’t let anyone find out what my home life is like” that was one of the biggest fears for me, especially because my parents knew a lot of the faculty and staff at my schools so if anyone did find out then my parents would know I had “betrayed” them
I've been to few therapists for 2 years (I'm now 18) and not even one of them talk this way. I felt like the things they were saying were shallow and stuff that I already knew. Few days ago I saw your video about toxic family and I cried so much I couldn't stop. It was all too true for me to accept that. The way you speak is so nice. I am so glad I found this channel.
You're only 18 and you're already getting valuable information that will help you grow. I'm happy for you, I hope you work things out and get away from the abuse and heal your wounds as fast as possible, so you don't waste your youth with shallow feedback that doesn't really help, and you don't add more years or even decades of pain to what you've already been through, just because you didn't find the help you needed. You're a strong, clever cookie understanding and accepting all this information at such a young age, and allowing yourself to process the emotions that come with it.
I'm so glad you're here. I would, IF YOU CAN (not saying it's accessible to everybody) get a trauma informed therapist that specializes in PTSD and Trauma. CBT and DBT are often not as effective for childhood trauma survivors but are performed by most therapists who are not specifically trained in trauma and are the most common modalities offered. EMDR, Hypnosis, body/breath regulation, Inner Child and Dialoguing work is often what we need but it seems like for every 25 therapists, 1 is EMDR certified and specializes in trauma and PTSD.
kathrynquinn, when I was 25 and on my third counselor (talk talk talk, if I knew how to resolve it, I’d do it and not be in sessions), one introduced me to an inner child book. I never really got the hang of it then, so I’ve never revisited that type of therapy. They say EMDR works, it should it’s somatic
Yes any ask or need was a BURDEN. Neither parent could focus even a small portion of their attention on something I needed. Big Sighs and frustration literally throwing hands in the air over why I couldn’t just deal with it myself. Siblings and parents competed for resources and attention so that was another barrier to receiving any attention-it was a double edged sword. I decided early nothing was available there so I just looked outside the family system for support. Family mad about that too. Why don’t you stay home? Pretty tricky to navigate.
In my experience only the golden child was allowed to lean on people and be vulnerable because it can't be their fault that they are in an unfortunate situation
@@leahflower9924 I was not the Golden child - there was one. She was harmed by that role despite benefits as a child. She’s grown into a pretty narcissistic mean spirited older adult. Not unlike our mother who is no longer alive. It’s just sad. I avoid her for my own health.
Huh, them being mad that you are looking for help outside in the world, well they are the ones who pushed you away to do that, that sounds narcissistic as can be & I hope you beat the demons that your parents gave you, I really hope you do. I Wish you the best 🤙🏽
I'm autistic and I can remember a large portion of my life. The reason I struggled so much with letting go of coping mechanisms that worked during trauma, but didn't work anymore outside of it, was because those coming mechanisms were SO hard to acquire. It could just be me. But I intimately remember the process of having to let go of my natural reactions to needs (crying when I needed to be soothed, melting down when I needed lower light or less sound, etc) in favor adopting crappy reactions. I had to learn to be small and quiet, and eat my pain. That's a SUPER painful experience that, for me, was really conscious. Letting go of it meant (to me) that I had failed at something so important, that was so difficult to attain in the first place. It was really hard to recognize that I hadn't failed at all. I had succeeded at surviving, and at adapting to very difficult circumstances. It was just time to adapt again, and it was going to be as hard as the first time around, but this time I would have support. 😭💜 I still sometimes struggle not to go straight to old habits, but more and more, my brain is defaulting to coping strategies that work better for my life now. It's such a relief when you feel like you can finally go on auto pilot again sometimes.
I so relate to your comment. And i think you for sharing. Also i am sorry and winced with you about the intensity of processing deeply painful hurts from past experiences. Too many people ignorantly say ' get over it, live in the present'! Not understanding that is literally impossible to do without years and years of retraining the brain-body and validating support for the previously unacknowledged deprivations or harms from the past. For those with ptsd, reactions are often involuntary. Its like saying to a dropped plate, "stop being broken!' without picking up the pieces and painstakingly finding a way to rejoin the pieces, and never again will it be the same. Also autistic and c-ptsd, and it is so utterly exhausting dealing with other people, modern society and my own dysregulated reactivity ( once perfect survival adaptions). I am grateful at age 54 to have at least relief from constant emotional pain i carried in previous decades. I have managed to create some humble security in most aspects of my life, but still not much buffer zone, difficulty in relationships and quite isolated on a personal level. For now it feels safer, but i do make that effort daily to interact in a healthy way with others and self reflect as honestly as i can about how and what i am doing. The moments i feel safe enough to just be on auto pilot are such freedom and relief.
also autistic but funny enough i have the exact *opposite* experience. i don’t remember most of my childhood; i only start to really remember most of my life once i entered college. there are little trauma memories here and there that i can pinpoint as moments of conditioning that affected the rest of my life, but only now am i coming to a point where i can go back have my actually natural reactions (even if those reactions are now distressing to me because of my conditioning)
Catie, you sound like a very brave, and very strong human-on OR off of the Spectrum! You expressed yourself beautifully, and in a way that anyone can relate to… Please take good, loving care of your (stellar) self!
Thank you for the vision of support and reframing adaptation. I am going through a new adaptation and even though I am building support, I didn't process that I could have the support. This may seem like semantics, but for me there is a cognitive shift. Thank you and blessings.
The shadow isn't always negative. It's just what is suppressed, what is hidden under the surface. Anger is not part of my shadow, as it's one of the few emotions that was acceptable to express. Anger covers fear and shame for me, thus the latter are in my shadow. Positive emotions I wasn't allowed to express are also in there too. The shadow is merely the hidden. Good and bad.
That explains a lot of things about me! In my 20's a co worker told me he felt intimated by me. I didn't know why. I wasn't a bully. I was the good girl. I get it now.
1. Guarded Distrust- Turst out of Nowhere ( Dead to Me) 2. Intensity: Taking it too seriously out of nowehre (Neurotic) 3. Taking it personally (wounded) 4. Beiing- self conusmed (Ego)- Pain Body; narcs
I do have childhood issues or shadow work ive done. You resonating so good i was wondering if you or someone would listen to what im saying. No advice unless you offer i need ears so i can get to my higher self. Healed from past.
What I've found is that those maladaptive cognitive habits are learned from a damaged parent or other authority figure that we identified with as a child so when those are then challenged it isn't just about the behaviour it's also about having to reject that trauma bond with the important person although it's not conscious in our awareness.
As usual I look at all the things within me that are broken and I feel intense sadness that I will never have enough time to fix the breaks. It feels impossible. I have little time left to find life and am exhausted at the thought of being in a static state.
Does anyone else worry that the trauma they went through wasn't "enough "? My dad was prone to raging at times, name calling, breaking things etc. But he never hit me outside of spanking when I was little and never hit my mom. Most of the time he was/is a good father. So many people go through abuse in childhood that is egregious. I definitely check many of the boxes for childhood trauma symptoms but I feel like the things I experienced shouldn't have affected me so strongly.
Yes! This is why it took so long for me to find videos like Patrick's. I always thought I didn't experience SA or physical abuse so my trauma isn't serious. But there are things like shame that we also need to heal from ❤
Trauma can be from many things - even falling down as a child...I don't know if judging your experience as less than, is giving yourself the validation/acknowledgement you need in order to heal? Is minimising what happened to you ultimately helpful? From who or where did you learn to minimise your experience the first time? Calling names, destructing property and beating you (spanking is a cute word, but let's call it what it is) is WAY TOO rough for a little one who relies on dad to provide comfort, love, a safe space and reliable nourishing. It sounds like you feel that your 'reaction' to the trauma is over the top and unwarranted - are you truly milking the trauma for some reason or were you taught to minimise your experience and feelings? Just because it was typical for parents to strike children during that time, does not make it ok. I heard Gabor Maté say that the research now shows that beating/lay a punishing hand on a child is harmful. Everyone hit their kids, doesn't make it right, healthy or okay. We see it as the norm growing up, but I bet you knew as your little self - while you were being hit - you knew in your heart it was a transgression against you.
That is still emotional,/psychological abuse hun. I get triggered by anyone yelling and will have a full blown panic attack afterwards because of my Dad.
So grateful for your video here. Jury service today for a severe child abuse case. And in the prosecutor’s questioning the jury pool, I had to get out of that courtroom. Judge called me to the rail to speak and I could not find my voice. Only a giant screaming wail working its way up. I motioned to the bailiff and left. Later the judge had me in without the jury pool to tell my story. I sounded like my 8 year old self. But the lawyers softened. Judge apologized. Thanked me for being brave. Then dismissed me.
What makes this even worse is if it is real. I had to leave a very toxic job and I kept gaslighting myself that I was being too sensitive. I was treated differently at work and even right before I quit my coworkers pointed it out. I'm still recovering from that job. Also having to be perfect and not make mistakes is something a lot of black ppl have to deal with. I felt it so much at work being the only black woman at work in the entire mid-size company in a very competitive white collar industry. The criticism over very tiny mistakes drove me insane (I got messages and comments for leaving a space between a period.) and I'm already a perfectionist from being a scapegoat. It was a double whammy. Any tips on this would be great.
My boyfriend has been dealing with similar things. White coworkers blaming all the mistakes on him while also giving him more of the work then his other colleagues, waking up on a panic to a bunch of passive aggressive texts. It’s horrible.
I am so sorry you went through that and believe me I DO understand because I went through the same things in jobs, not because I'm black but because I'm Bipolar. I think many people in society and in workplace are Narcissistic and these type of people sense out who they can dump on, use as a punching bag and who they can't. Please know you are valuable just the way you are because God doesn't make junk, right? May Almighty God bless you with a good job in the future! Hey, I'm rooting for ya!!❤
I think we have to keep detailed notes about what happened, so we va understand the facts later. It helps to keep inventory, just to cover our back. True for all, despite race, gender or age. When warning bells go off, have to protect
@@ginafarley6190 HR rarely does anything unless it’s very overt. It’s subtle enough to where you can’t pin it or they will say you’re not being a good team player. Every black employee eventually quit outside of just one person. I’ll keep a list in case this does come up for others. I did eventually report those clowns to HR but nothing happened
Realized today that I refuse to ask for help no matter the circumstances or the severity of them, likely because my aunts dog attacked me as a 7 year old and she told me I “must have done something” despite her three sons telling her I didn’t even acknowledge the dog. For months after, someone would have to hold it by the collar so I could get into the house. And when it was just her and the kids there and it would be loose, and I’d lock myself in a car, screaming for help as he circled the car, she would just yell things like “just get out of the damn car”, “he’s doing it because you’re screaming” and yelling to her kids, “don’t tie my dog up”. I genuinely never realized that could be traumatizing. Not the attack but the victim blaming and lack of protection. Sorry for trauma dumping but it’s just a crazy realization.
When growing up and then well into my 60's, I wish I had someone like you who could have help me understand why I was regarded , by others and myself, as odd, intense, emotional and hyper-sensitive. For those of us who have experienced abuse, it can be a very lonely and isolating existence. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your online "free" sessons into the core understanding of ourselves and being able to start loving ourselves. God Bless you always
I feel like an utter alien in this world. It seems like every word I say is wrong and gets me looked at sideways. I feel like the world is a passionless dead place that just accepts mediocrity and blandness as a default. The whole place is a mess of apathy. Every day is a struggle not to jump off a cliff and finally be free of so much bullshit. Normies don't have an ounce of empathy in them for people who have endured trauma. It is maddening. Ugh, thanks for a place to vent.
Working through this people pleasing; once a friend told me, "You try so hard to be good." This has been a total self-gaslighting for me. Oh, no! Am I not really a good person and just pretending to be? What if I'm just hiding who I am. Maybe I'm just like my mom and can't face it? I prayed and prayed about this. God, am I a good person? Is this just an act that I don't know about? Then I felt my heart, and realized when I do something good for someone, I feel it in my heart. I don't see how that could be a false self. But I also know that often times in the past, I would help the wrong people out of a type of automatic compulsion and paid the price. I do see how I can be compulsively giving, too. It's a lot of work to break through; when I get a compliment or a thank you, I don't take it in, I can't feel it.
Wow! I'm almost 49. Diagnosed autistic at 38. A lot to unpack! CPTSD and neurodivergance! Grateful for this content, thanks Patrick. I'm experiencing so much grief, false guilt, shame, dealing with dissosiation, keeping food compulsion/perfectionism in check and not being able to work any longer and knowing my true self behind the masks of trauma and autistic masking,
Patrick, I have done years of work on the traumas I experienced, and realized I was still really struggling with some of the "fixes". Even with the trauma understood, some of these things simply got worse not better. It made no sense. What finally pushed me over the top, and put a frame on the puzzle of "me" that I have been trying to complete, was discovering the recent information out there on autism. I took the tests, seriously researched deeply on the topic, and well, holy crap, and feelings of relief and freedom all at once: Everything says I am an autistic 65 year old woman. NOW I know I am not BAD or WRONG. My brain works differently. I understand why I have such a hard time with certain things that others seem to find so darn easy. I see why things that normal people love I find hard, like going to parties baffles me. I now see why I am the way I am. It's like having the bird cage door flung open for me. YOUR videos got me to where I could seriously consider this "shadow", because I certainly didn't want to be autistic. I can now accept that I just plain am. Now I get it. Now I have so much more compassion for my inner child and the "shameful" things she did. I have context. This is an excellent video that explains how we hold these traumas. The list around 30 mins in is excellent. Thanks for unknowingly participating in my healing. Your videos are fantastic.
i had a very similar experience. once i discovered my autism diagnosis, it all just clicked for me. not in the way that i finally had something to "blame" it on, but i finally had a framework for understanding myself that actually made sense all the way. it really changed my life at 30yo.
Hello. For both of the commenters above, have you been diagnosed by a licenced professional or did you just got tested online ? Thank you in advance for the reply.
@@Koozomecyou can go to psychology today, select psychiatrist and then select autism. It will bring up psychiatrist specializing in diagnosing autism. It won't leave unless if they take your insurance. Good luck
It surprises me when people list going to parties as autism. I always hated going to parties but I thought it was because I was an introvert. My symptoms of autism or more related to highly sensitive person
The ending brought to mind a thought I had as a young boy. I realised back then that I was placed in impossible situations and concluded that I should-in an act of defiance-follow my parents' instructions and/or demands to a tee and literally, because then surely they couldn't falsify my performances. I would then just say I did exactly as you asked of me.
The issues struggling with intensity and I'm embarrassed to say, but self righteousness, really reasonably with me. I've found myself constantly beating myself over not being enough and then going sideways on people who i DO NOT want to go sideways on. Thank you for the work you do and for helping us understand these concepts so we can grow into a happier and healthier life. I really appreciate it.
Haven't heard that term in awhile people say when I'm manic I'm wild out there just triggers.. now I know but no one tells you in high school your fine now hiding stuff and then the real world with no money and no copes freaking out gets old I gave up I said fine I might be a little unhinged f it it is what it is but I don't believe psychology because of really bad experiences with it my young new Drs are like just trust me like no you covered shit up and now that I'm labeled f you .Your really hostile like yeah you got me addicted too drugs and on welfare f you again .
my therapist actually started off our deeper work into childhood trauma with shadow work, followed by a narrative assignment, first from my perspective, second from an objective perspective. It was enlightening, even if it was painful, and heavily triggering, so much so my online therapist suggested EMDR. Regardless, I think it was very impactful on me, and I'm so glad you're covering it! I think major ones for me are: taking things personally and always feeling mediocre, causing conflict so I never stood up for myself, feeling dominated so I wanted to dominate others, and fearing failure so I don't even try.
Was EMDR helpful to you? Sorry if this question is too much, don't worry if you don't want to answer. I'm just curious is all. I went to therapy before, and she only wanted to do EMDR. The thing was, I wasn't allowed to speak out growing up, was abused if I had an emotional reaction that parent couldn't handle. And my therapist telling me "you're getting emotional. Let's stop talking and calm down." Then have to follow her hands and count down in silence. Just shut me down completely. Then because the shut down, the sessions would end early. I did that for a year getting no-where because i needed her to help with my emotional buildup, not shut me up because i still can't be allowed to feel. Yet i always hear how great EMDR supposedly is? Sorry this is long-winded. I'm just not sure if I'm the issue or not on this therapy type.
Patrick, thank you for your work from the bottom of my heart. I connect with everything so much that it finally feels like going in the right direction!! I'm 33 now, I saw my first therapist at 13 and have been to several of them over the years. Some were plain awful. Basically shaming me like I was just an ungrateful teenager. Some just said it was a depression or a phase. Some were blank slates who offered nothing back. I had been told things like "that sounds so hard to have been thru" and "well you seem really in touch with whats going on" but they didnt give me any real ways to work it out or make progress to change it. It was around 29 years old I gave up on professional therepy. I felt like I was spending money to talk about my problems. Which I could do for free. I also sort of felt like okay at this point ive been to therepy, I feel a little better, they validated me a bit, I should be healed now. I'm totally normal and cool and my therepist was even impressed by how in touch I was with myself. Gold star in therepy. However, that was not the case. It really only became apparent to me that I had much more work to do when my long term partner started challenging me on my reactions to things. (Like a discussion of what to get for dinner could end with me crying and feeling personally attacked). Like you said, it was so hard to hear, and I didnt want to see it, but a part of me knew he was right. The "Dark Side" reactions would just explode out of me over the smallest things. Once I calmed down afterwards, I started to be able to see it. I reached a point where I could accept that the "Dark side" was there but I still didn't understand why it happened, and how I could stop it from happening. I thought "how could I hurt others and be so cruel when I'm so obsessed with making people happy all the time?" So I went looking for a way to find the answers within myself. Eventually I stumbled on The Crappy Childhood Fairy and then your content. To see strangers on RUclips describe some of my biggest struggles perfectly... well it brought me a lot of hope. I'm not crazy, I'm not a lost cause. Other people have been thru exactly what I've been experiencing and there is a light at the end of this tunnel. So thank you for sharing your journey and helping show us how to start our own.
Amazed you do this free work. It’s incredible, powerful, uplifting. I just had the courage to start apologizing to myself, making space to apologize to a close friend, making waves good sir! Great waves! 🙏🏽 thank you
One benefit of my shadow work has been to eliminate some of my interpersonal blind spots. For most of my life my need to hide myself from myself and believe my own hype prevented me from realizing how many of my behaviors as an adult were reactions and compensations based on my family system. I have been vulnerable to manipulation as an adult because I didn’t see my own arrogance, vindictiveness, maternal impulses, obsequiousness, etc. Also, mysterious aversions and crushes can often be understood by looking at my own dark side in an nonjudgmental light. Of course the best benefit of shadow work is that it enables me to rein in my dark side. I can’t work on something which I hide from myself. The root cause of my hiding my own traits is that I got the idea as a child that I had to have the traits my family needed me to have or be abandoned as unlovable. Though female, I was cast as a mercenary, effective, forceful person. For years it was hard for me to be affectionate, tender or protective. I also have tended to join organizations with strict rules so I can check all the boxes prove to myself how good and virtuous I am, and not greedy and domineering. Humor helps a lot. I was class clown, too, 6th grade.
First example reminds me of freaking out after my boyfriend’s friend “playfully batted my foot” after having a more than a few drinks. I was alone with him while my boyfriend was finishing his night shift. I felt really terrified and angry at him, and I told him “hey please don’t do that, I don’t like that.” Upon which he passed out on the couch. I guess the shadow piece came out after the fact because even though at that point, I likely would have been safe (with his friend passed out, and having asserted myself) I was still in a stage of FFFF. I called my bf in a panic and conveyed the intensity of my fear -anger at the moment, and told him I was coming to meet him at his grandmas (where he was headed after work to take the dog out) because I was “afraid for my life.” I literally said those words now that I think about it. I think I really believed that I was in danger, so I didn’t understand my bf’s reaction when he became frustrated and angry with me for “freaking out.” That only sent me further into my echo (what I call my flashbacks) and I turned into the sorry, anguished, ashamed and remorseful 6 year old that I was when I was being verbally abused by my father.
Thank you so much for all of your help, Patrick. To you out there who are reading this, we are all in it together and we will get through it. This one is a hard one for me. I'm going full force! Good healing to you all!
I need to show ju mom what u said it took age 25 to just realize I was living with my parents mindsets. Specifically not finding ways to better myself & life. Something I learned off work during lockdown. Spending sooo much time with myself and my family.
Patrick, I've done the exact same thing. I didn't know about "triggers" until recently. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for helping me get through this pain. 🙏
So sorry your mother was like mine, you didn’t deserve that. I’m so glad you’re living your purpose. I’m going through a bit of a tough time at the moment and am so thankful to you 🙏
You're in my head on every. damn. one. of these things. I wish I could have found out about this at a younger age like you did. At least now I know I'm not crazy. Working through the shame of how I acted in the past is a real struggle.
For me, forgiveness comes from being someone who won't make those same mistakes again. It will be a while before you can forgive yourself for things you're still working through. But today you can forgive yourself for being stuck, because you're at least trying to move in the right direction. It helps me (and a few friends) to remember the good things about yourself and your skills that you can use to overcome those past actions you're still working through. So, I (1) list the mistakes, (2) list what you still did right in those situations, (3) list the skills you have to overcome those mistakes. For 2, be generous, like, you didn't go on a murderous rampage, you felt guilty after a while, you always allow people physical autonomy. This is just to remind yourself that there's a limit to the bad that there's something to build from, even when you're at your worst. This is also a good place to mention if people still like you or feel safe around you, "my friend always feels safe to speak their mind", it's a good clue to the stuff you're doing right. For 3, here's some suggestions just based on me seeing your comment here: - Now that you know better you're doing better. - You're relieved to finally have solutions. - You're drawn to healthy and healing behavior. - You feel shame, (you might need to work on making it a healthy expression of shame)
I’m so tired of living in fear and I’m 47. I left home at 15, never went back. Your videos wake me up to so many layers of how I operate day in and day out. Thank you.
Yeah same story here. Kicked out by stepfather, proper prick he was. I finally stopped self medicating with alcohol 6 months ago. Less anxious, less fear. Bit by bit patch me up.
I realized the term for this work I’ve had to do on myself. It took many years to compartmentalize my understanding of these traits so that I would not completely hate myself. As my childhood was built on criticism and rejection it was hard as an adult to identify the traits without going into survival mode. It was like cleaning up an attic of negative traits and keeping the helpful traits. It took me years to heal and tell my inner child that I didn’t need some of the over reactions or control anymore.
We were really poor, my dad died when I was 6 months old leaving my mom with 5 children under 10 years old. She just couldn't do it but she tried her best unfortunately that left us without a father to support us, with a mother who wasn't mentally prepared, she had no working skills etc. and that brought all sorts of problems, parentified child, anxious and traumatized children etc.
I’ve been feeling overly sensitive, easily triggered and ashamed of same so much as of late. Trying to identify origins while recognizing my go to, highly ineffective coping mechanisms of avoidance (disassociating) and giving up much of the drive and attention to detail I normally operate from, happily. So many of the scenarios you spoke of resonate tremendously. Thank you for sharing…🙏
My parents passed away by the time I was 11, I went to live with an aunt who I learned didn’t want me, she wanted my money. And it was so obvious. She never bought things for me, just for her or the house. I only lived with her for a short time, a few months, but it’s reverberated throughout my life. I’ve been in survival mode most of my life, I’m 33 now trying to finally change. Thank you for these videos, they really help me unpack those memories and feelings.
14:50 " feeling kicked when you're down." It didn't even need to be a direct criticism, though there were plenty of those, too. So much toxicity and stress was/is going on in my family life that sometimes it feels like I'm getting repeatedly smacked in the face with a whiffle ball bat.
You really are a treasure. I am a teacher and I just got student feedback a few days ago (end of schoolyear ritual), overwhelmingly positive but I have been shame spiraling about this one piece in which a student told me I need to "relax". This is about my intensity. I know about it but I hadn't connected it and this note really got to me because I felt there was a kernel of truth in it but it was not really computing. Now I get it. The kid was telling me about my intensity. I hear it, I understand, I agree, I have both regret and a chuckle and I will recalibrate with this new understanding in mind. Thank you, my 17 year old guru, for the lesson (it's not just happy horsesh!@ that teachers learn as much or more from their students btw) and thank you, Patrick, fellow Boston Suburbian for the bright shaft of levity on all this shadow.
I don't think it's very wise to solicit or accept student feedback on your personality or mental health. Any feedback should be focussed soley on the course material and teaching/evaluation methods. In no way should you be allowing any student to be your "therapist". That is a major boundary violation between teacher and student, and while you and others may find it perfectly innocent, you need to be aware that not everyone may regard it as such; it could be regarded in any number of ways. That's the litigious world that teachers must now live in. If you need therapy, see a professional therapist.
Intensity is what I've heard so much throughout my life. The sakes were super high, sometimes I made certain outcomes hinge on everything. Really glad I have something to point to when I go to therapy.
Wow, this video came to me when I most needed it. I was just thinking about how I need to validate my feelings and my past experiences without indulging in the narcissistic tendencies that could be a part of self-pity behavior. There’s a balance that needs to be found.
James, I was worried for this too. Finally able sort of to "own up" my feelings whatever may come along, I'll be there for me. It's scary, difficult and sometimes I don't know what to do. I'm a loving mom towards myself, it's weird, stuff happened- Living day by day, I've set my goals, some become clearer as I go and carry on with faith, hope and patience. Take care ☝🏽🌌💖💫
All I can hear is James Earl Jones, "Luuuke... Srsly though looking forward to tuning in... It's been a tough mother's day and a tough father's day this year.
Great video Patrick! I also struggle with taking things too personally. I have a mother in law who likes to tease for fun and growing up in a family where teasing was mean spirited and meant to hurt, I struggle with her a lot and internalize her jokes.
Are you sure the teasing is 'for fun'? Maybe it is just less obviously mean than your family. Maybe you're having a legitimate reaction. I've needed help to recognize when people were being mean to me. This could be the case while you also work on taking things less personally.
@@lizblock9593that is what I'm wondering too. If OP has told the mil they have a hard time with teasing? (I don't know if they have) then if mil teases anyway, it's probably not just for fun.
Thank you, Patrick! Your hero’s journey helps us all. I just started shadow work. It took years for me to work up the courage to look inward and to do the healing work. I’ve written the first page. I can definitely relate to the disconnect and the intensity aspects. I am finally beginning to question my global paradigm that people suck and will hurt you if you get too close. I still have social blind spots, so I don’t think I’m ready (maybe never will be) to let down my guard .
I can't tell you how much these videos have helped me. Thank you so much for putting this content out for free. I have seen several therapists, but none really understand childhood trauma, and thinking through your journal prompts helps me uncouple my feelings to what is actually happening in the present. I am a teacher and deal with a lot of children who are going through a lot of trauma. I'd love an episode discussing the trigger of dealing with other's trauma. You would be the supreme expert on the matter.
Watching these videos are things I have to watch sip by sip because I get overwhelmed by things I relate to, but they're said so eloquently that it gives me words to understand how I feel.
Shadow work and childhood trauma... such an interesting topic. Lord, you are describing me, kinda triggers. Ok How to work on it. : D Taking ourselves less seriously - Check Take things less personally - Check Find more humility in others - Check Don't hide negative emotion - what does this even mean ? I am growing into a more mature place, I'm handling things better, being patient, waiting for the outcome. It's almost like life is slowing down and I'm seeing more, making better decisions, and picking up on toxic behaviors quickly. Patrick, you are God sent, thanks for all your work.
Patrick I just wanted ro say Thank you! Because of people like you & Lisa A Romano I started cycling through the ACOA Steps.... channels like this are life savers, the work you do is so important. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING/GIVING BACK WHAT YOU LEARNED! ❤
Growing up my siblings and I were bought clothing by my narc "father" who insisted we wear that would place a target on our backs. We were bought the cheapest items and had a small cycle of hand me downs while attending public schools. At the time we were in school the area was a booming GM town and EVERYONE had a lot of disposable income. You were judged harshly by the clothes you wore and your hair and shoes. It was rare we got haircuts and when we did, they were a $2 chop job. In kindergarten I remember wearing shoes that were shaving off the insides of both heels of my feet. My toes were curled under because I had long outgrown them. Yet I wore them because they were the only pair of shoes I had. I had adapted and learn to run and jump and do whatever even while my toes were completely turned under and my feet in excruciating pain. I knew by kindergarten if I had asked the evil entity for shoes, he would have blown his stack. Anytime we asked for things we desperately needed he would throw a tantrum and blame my poor Mom.
Walking to the school in shoes with holes is one of the worst memories of my childhood. Took me years to convince myself that I am not the reason why I had such a bad treatment, my parents were broken, I was totally perfectly OK and never ever deserve this shit. My condolenses for your crushed childhood. Wish you well.
Yikes, I got caught with being self consumed talking about how I'm figuring shit out... I've been doing that for years as I've been floating around getting actual help. Thanks for addressing this part of recovery as I've absolutely been struggling with that one.
The disgust at your peers doing better than you is so relatable. This makes me feel a bit better in that I’m not just an asshole for my own sake. I don’t want to be jealous:/
The one thing that brings the Devil out of me is being interrupted in the middle of an immersive experience for mundane reasons. You pull off my headphones, I pull off your skin. That's just the way the cookie crumbles.
It’s incredible how much having crappy parents can effect your whole life.
So TRUE 💔
Yeah, you end up stacking more and more and more trauma over the decades. Been a hugely challenging life for me and the rest of us like us.
I worked in a job centre and supported people with disabilities on benefits, towards work. The youngsters from care or had a rough childhood had their issues but they were able to survive and cope. Youngsters of helicopter parents had been overprotected and totally failed by their parents in preparing them for the world.
Absolutely we have plenty of trouble as we get older as our coping skills no longer work effectively to allow us to move on but we are infinitely more capable and more willing to grow to do better.
Never lose hope, I've repeatedly seen that we can fly much higher than anyone else when we keep healing, one bit at a time. Look at every strong person and they've all been through it. Aim to be one of those inspirational people that later helps others fly too ❤
I agree.
Child abuse is the cause of most all problems in the world. Imo. ❤
I actually caught myself being passive aggressive with a close friend the other night. I could feel the meanness of what I had said, and it was as if I caught my shadow in the act. I suddenly started crying and apologized to my friend for being passive aggressive and bitchy. He was awkwardly just accepting the abuse because of the trauma in his background. He also started crying and thanked me for pointing it out because now he is more clear on where he has the tendency to accept toxicity and where he can begin to speak his truth and set boundaries. It felt life changing for me, and I know it was healing for us both.
You are a wonderful human to see it and feel about it.
Thats amazing
Self awareness, courage to change, give yourself lots of compassion and kindness ❤ thank you for your honesty
Really resonated with me. So true & liked how you handled, real growth, good 4 you!
you and your friend, are both beautiful souls.. Keep healing, keep rising above your former selves. ❤🙏👍
When you grow up underneath an umbrella of fear, you do whatever it takes to survive. When you finally get away from your abusers, you don't always know what you are doing. Like, you don't know how to run your life because you are free of your abusers, physically you are, but they still live in your head.
Wow
So deep and so very true
Spot on. I thought I could have a better relationship with my codependent mother after my father died, but narcissist Golden Child sister dropped right into place and took over, so, nope.
@@aquateal384 I i have been looking for this post. 🙏 Similar story, but my sister also stole my inheritance after mom killed herself, mom being the abuser everyone was aware of. Reading your words just pulled me back from a very dark place going thru right now. God bless you. Thank you
@@Myytzlplkso &hitty and pathetic of her.
Thanks for remembering us neurodivergent folks. This is hard for us because we don’t know how much is the disability and how much is the trauma. Although my psychiatrist told me once that just because we are more prone to being affected by abuse, no one should be abusing us in the first place. It’s still them, not us.
My psychiatrist and therapist told me that I should not could not be successful because of my neurodivergcy I had lots of severe trauma multiple deaths 3 very violent I was abused incest and a neighbor. I had “corporal punishment “ I was never able to please my parents. I developed eating disorders and I was very intense to the point of acting out physically when people tried to touch me. My mom had depression my grandma alcoholic my sister had a teenage pregnancy and I was raised in a Baptist Deacon (Dad) home. Even though I was gifted I was denied isp classes and the gifted program at my new school on my first and second moves. I was also religiously abused by the church. I believed my doctor and therapist and even though I could have been anything I just lived sick and disabled. That’s the message I got. I’m doing shadow work now and I see my shadow side forgave her for not living up to her (mine inner child) expectations. I’m now seeking employment as a peer counselor! Yay me.
@@aimeemariefournier1013 yay you indeed. You are amazing. I’m sorry for all the trauma you’ve had to deal with.
@@dbandekar you are so sweet and thanks for the cheers. It made me, me
Crazy idea - what if everyone is neurodivergent?
@@shoutattheskyyeah that’s NOT the case.
you make my inner child feel safe
Yes. Me, too.
You can make your inner child safe too! Just make sure you let her know.
@@hpholland how to let her know
As a mother I know there is so much I have to unlearn from my own childhood so I don't traumatize my kids. Motherhood has brought up trauma I never knew I had. When my toddlers whine I get so triggered and I want to tell them "children should be seen and not heard!" But instead I try to say "if you could talk to me about what's wrong, I could help you. Could you try to take a breath and try telling me how I can help." When my toddlers throw things or hit me playfully, I want to get out a belt like one was brought out for me. Instead, I go outside, take a breath, come back and tell them I don't like being hit because it hurts and we should respect each other's bodies and boundaries. When my toddlers don't want to listen to instructions I have to deprogram that they are just disrespectful instead of just being distracted to listen. There's so much I can talk about. These were all really helpful but please could you do a video on working through childhood trauma when youre triggered by your own children.
Wow, you’re doing a great job!
Sounds a bit like your asking your toddler to tell you how to parent.
Dont overthink it just be present and follow your instincts.
@@ovariantrolley2327 what are you talking about? It seems you didn’t read the post at all. When did she say anything that indicated her toddlers were telling her how to parent? Also, if her instinct is to yell at her kids or beat them with a belt, then she absolutely should NOT follow her instincts. Taking a breather, stepping outside, and realizing she doesn’t want to repeat patterns from her childhood is absolutely the right thing to do.
You know, I'm in a very similar situation at a times, I'm a "stay-at-home Dad" and, oh boy, do they trigger me when both my 4yo and 2yo talk back, or begin to question instructions haha, but you know, so far I have ever treated them in a disrespectful manner, of course, it's waaaaay too hard, but I know I'm not the only one with this conviction, that we must save our kids from our past, and help them have a bright future 🫶🏼
Keep Yourselves Ever Courageous!!
Gosh , hey u , they whole point of suffering is to gain understanding to be gentle with young hearts or beat up hearts & not be able to hurt them ! one way or another, 💝🚴♀️
I always felt shame and humiliation when a person I dated was telling me I was “ranting”, when I was simply attempting to express myself and to be heard. Somehow I felt even more hurt and wounded having to hear the person who was claiming to care and love me instead belittle me and dismiss me entirely without even taking anything I said into consideration. Even when I had gone above and beyond for that person to meet their needs in their time of need, yet when it came time for them to help me and reciprocate they began giving me the reasons as to why they couldn’t help me, and when I said something they began behaving badly, angrily and began telling me off. All because I dared ask for basic of human kindness and reciprocal care.
That's when you leave and tell them why
I'm in a relationship where my partner has anxiety and gets upset by a lot of things. The upsetness comes out as ranting. I have my own anxiety, and having been around family members and previous partners with intense anger, hearing these rants makes me want to shut down or even distrust them. I also think my sibling and I weren't well-received when we expressed "negative" emotions, and so I project my shame of expressing those emotions onto others when they do it.
I appreciate your comment, because it's given me insight into how my partner might feel. I hate that you had those experiences during dating, and I hope you've found a partner, friend, or community that makes you feel safe when you express yourself
@@whimsy_gal5205 Thank you for the kind words ..! I really appreciate it . The last person that I dated was someone who used my vulnerabilities to the fullest. When I had shared with him that my mother was never in my life and had abandoned me., he used that against me. He said:” Well nobody wants you and you don’t have any friends”. I don’t think he ever cared for me or had any compassion for me as one human being to another. After he told me that, it was the end for me. I broke up with him and he cried and begged me to stay and give him a second chance. Interestingly his explanation for why he said those cruel things to me was as he said: “ because he wanted to get my attention”, even though he said he knew that it will hurt me to tell me those ugly things. I am a very aware woman, I am working on my Master’s degree in counseling and mental health., and I am well aware that when someone says you’re the sole problem and they don’t want to take any responsibility for their behavior that’s a red flag. Ranting about how we feel is a way to let our grief and frustration, it is not a way to make anyone feel uncomfortable or hurt. But so often the people who need to hear us the most are the very same people who have many unresolved problems themselves and they simply cannot., because of their own psychological mindsets and triggers. I don’t overreact or go on rants, but when a person has mistreated me, taken advantage of me, abused my kindness I feel they need to hear me out. But most often the person refuses to do so, because they’re narcissistic and don’t care to face their own shortcomings and problems. If a person says they wait for you to get therapy and fix yourself, that’s not a person who thinks they’re a part of a problem in a relationship, that’s a person who thinks you’re the problem and the sooner you fix yourself the sooner they can be with you, mean while completely ignoring their own problems and shortcomings., and fixating on you and their perception on how you’re flawed and messed up. A healthy relationship begins with being aware of your own flaws, and many individuals simply don’t accept that., they think they’re better than the other person, they can’t accept any responsibility even when they’re blatantly in the wrong. You can’t have a relationship with someone who runs away from personal responsibility and blames the other person entirely.
Well, good job they showed their true colors soon enough and you didn't marry any of them.
I haven’t had any romantic relationships yet at age 28, I’m too undesirable in every way possible. But every friendship I’ve had has been exactly like this. I “rant” and it’s not okay, but I’m still expected to listen to them “rant” about the dumbest shit, like “my boyfriend cheated on me for the 16th time. Should I leave him?” Well, duh, yeah you should. But if I told her “yeah, leave his ass” it was “I CANT BELIEVE YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE” like girl…I’m not even allowed to vent to you about ANYTHING, and you’re gonna ask for dumb advice, and then get mad when I don’t read your mind and tell you what you wanna hear?? Idk, people are just too exhausting. It’s like I have “I’m an emotional punching bag-use me” tattooed on my forehead.
Oh, and then when I would bring up how the friendships weren’t even close to reciprocal so I need to step away, then I was “selfish, bitchy, needy” and “they never really liked me anyway.” Yeah, I know, and that’s why I’m dipping out.
Hey Patrick... have you ever done a video on "secondary trauma" (for lack of a better word)? Example: I was a straight A, Honor Roll student in line to receive 2 scholarships for college. My father's response to learning about this was to backhand me and make me quit school. Wasn't long after, knowing I'd never have a chance at life if i didn't leave, I ran away as soon as I turned 18. I was homeless, uneducated, never had a job (forbidden at father's house), didn't even know how to apply for a job or do taxes or anything. As a homeless young girl, i applied to job after job after job. I was told so many times, "don't you wish you had stayed in school, listened to your parents now" and that sort of thing. This was from strangers, mostly potential employers. I NEEDED a job desperately, I was homeless and hungry and scared, so that did cause me trauma to be labeled/denied opportunities because my education had been taken away from me. Does that make sense what I mean by secondary trauma? Where my childhood situations caused me further trauma after I left because then I had many people blaming me for not staying in school, even though there had been nothing i wanted more than to finish school. I dunno. Just curious if you've done any videos on that. It's very similar to "blaming the victim" of a SA attack... what were you wearing? As if what you're wearing had any bearing on what happened to you. Lemme know. Thank you.
Boy, that's a double whammy! Interesting topic, I hope he sees your comment.
I very much relate to this, and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Our child abuse and neglect sets us up for so many other obstacles with no one to help us through it. My mother has sabotaged my education and career over and over. And I got tons of judgement from employer, professors, and peers about it.
I also had trauma was from therapists. Constant gaslighting that my parents just needed me to speak to them in a mature manner with good communication skills,, telling me I was resentful as if that were a choice causing all my problems,, naming my anxiousness as a problem in and of itself rather than something that had a root cause. It went on for decades. It wasn't unil the last 10 years that therapsts like Patrick started to show up in the world. I found him at the age of 48 when googling for how to do a family cut-off.
Sounds more like a trauma snowball, getting more expansive and dangerous as it rolls along
THIS. If I had a dollar for every person who didn't believe me when I said that not all parents want their kids to succeed academically, and that some of us were literally forbidden from doing homework as to not threaten egos or the power dynamic... well, probably would have had enough money to put myself through a few semesters 🙄 I was a bright student, and my parents would punish me for bruising my dad's ego by going to class with incomplete work and being humiliated... they even told my teachers to announce it to the class so I would learn my lesson. Eventually, your grades drop so low you can't save them, and even if you could, your ability to focus and mental health are totally offline. It's absolute bullshit that our college eligibility is based on a time when we are minors and controlled by others.
@@june7963 I'm so sorry this happened to you. And, if you're interested, maybe community college wherever you are would be a good more recent base to apply to whatever program you SHOULD have gotten to discover with your parents' encouragement and support.
We were burdens. Man, that was exactly how I grew up. And I lived that people pleaser, perfectionist life for years. Thank goodness for healing therapy/therapists.
yes burdens
Yes, I was the youngest and everyone was allowed to, even encouraged to bully me. I was referred to as one more mouth to feed. Yes, I developed food issues.
I feel the same. I was in a car accident, when I 16 yo. The injuries caused me be a paraplegic. I got septic shock in the hospital while in ICU. This was one of first times , I seen my father cry and he showed despair if my illness. The nurses woke my parents up around 1 am, and told them I would not make it through the night. As my parents were sitting by my bed, my mother fell asleep and fell out of the chair. My father told her if she could not stay awake for this, then she should leave. She got up and went to bed not knowing if I would survive the night. Her sleep was more important than staying wake at her 16 yo daughter’s possible death bed.
I was treated as a burden. In my twenties, she told me I ruined her life because she could not keep a boyfriend because she had to take care me. My father rarely spent time with me because he worked 12 hours a day everyday. He did not try have a relationship with me. He expected his children to come visit him. I was the a perfectionist and over achiever just wanting their love.
They showed me the most love and brag about me when I graduated high school and college or attending a event honoring individuals, who made Dean’s list. I was the scapegoat and truth teller. My step mom and my mom had to make me the villain or liar.
❤
@@miapdx503 I’m so sorry
I realize I can be serious and intense and have had people call me out on that. I have just lived in survival mode my entire life and there is little room to be silly and carefree as others.
I really relate to this
I relate to this so much didnt even find a lot of jokes funny that obviously cut down friends in high school. Thankfully now i can find the funny through a few good friends who stuck by. When i feel safe i laugh. The rest of thw time im faking it.
Currently 27 .... raising a 8 year old and yesterday I lashed out the way my parents use to do and immediately had to run off and catch myself.........I always try not to be like my parents but yesterday just showed I'm not over and i need to unlearn those nasty habits 🤦🏿♀️ im getting bacj into therapy so I can be a better person and mother ....this is soo hard!!! Everyday I fight with myself over all the mentally and emotionally abuse I had to endure
I know you can be better, and you will be a great mother, because you have recognized it and want to address it. If not, then you wouldn’t care. I’ve had to work on being jealous of my children’s stable home. When they would act in my mind, not grateful enough or not take care of their things; I’d say things like, “You all should be thankful to have your childhood. You have no idea what it’s like growing up in what I did!” Then I’m like, woah, no I’m so happy you DONT KNOW. That means I have done better than what I had. It’s a process, and I’ve had to check myself multiple times. Continue to realize and check yourself when need be. We can do this! ❤
So proud of you. 👍
At least you caught it! I caught myself being my dad to my stepson 😢. But I caught it and stopped doing it and saying those horrible things. I wasn't perfect but he told me at age 25, that I treated him better then his real dad (alcoholic) and his mom who screamed at him mostly😢. He is functioning, works and has an apartment. Tough old world man. Good luck and may God bless you 😊
I knew I would blow it as a parent, so I promised myself I would always take responsibility for my wrong behavior, labeling it as wrong. That is one thing my parents never did and blamed me for their bad behavior.
One of the life lessons I have learned is that shame begets shame. If you feel shame for past trauma, you are liable to do things in future that are also a subject of shame.
I agree. I feel like shame is the "known" or even, "best known" experience. We've learned how to live with or in it as a daily part of life; it becomes normal. When we don't feel shame, it's confusing and possibly frightening, because we don't know how to handle those other GOOD feelings. Deep inside, we KNOW we should feel shame, because that's who we are, (that is the lie). We are special, wonderful, precious little people who were not treated that way!!! The adults we thought knew more than we did, and even knew US better than we did were mean angry liars!! You know who you are deep inside; they never cared to find out and nurture you as they should have.
I have felt ashamed my whole life; but I just told my inner child all the truths she never heard and that she was never a bad kid; a weight was lifted. And I'll keep telling her, so she stays away from experiences that may cause her to feel shame again. It will be a new forever process of lifting up, rather than putting down. Wishing you the best!! I was using rapid eye technology as I spoke to myself also.
Absolutely yes
So sorry about what you went through Patrick, as a child. We need more people like you here. 💗
One thing I've realized... once you've been pigeonholed by the very people who are your motivation to learn a better way, it's too late. Once you've been labeled, it's a done deal. You could go for years demonstrating the changes you've made through understanding why I am the clay I am, they are merely spending those same years just waiting for you to revert back to who they've already deemed you to be.
It's why I isolate myself. The work I've done to correct my issues is never enough.
It may not be enough for them, but is it good enough for you? You are worth getting free because you deserve it!
its why I cut contact with my blood relatives years ago. no matter how much I grew and changed, they'd never even consider the possibility that I was different from the labels they forced on me when I was three years old.
May be you just have wong people. Find new one. I had a very supportive husband in my jorney who noticed and praised each positive change in my behaviour
“Please don’t let anyone find out what my home life is like” that was one of the biggest fears for me, especially because my parents knew a lot of the faculty and staff at my schools so if anyone did find out then my parents would know I had “betrayed” them
I've been to few therapists for 2 years (I'm now 18) and not even one of them talk this way. I felt like the things they were saying were shallow and stuff that I already knew. Few days ago I saw your video about toxic family and I cried so much I couldn't stop. It was all too true for me to accept that. The way you speak is so nice. I am so glad I found this channel.
❤
You're only 18 and you're already getting valuable information that will help you grow. I'm happy for you, I hope you work things out and get away from the abuse and heal your wounds as fast as possible, so you don't waste your youth with shallow feedback that doesn't really help, and you don't add more years or even decades of pain to what you've already been through, just because you didn't find the help you needed.
You're a strong, clever cookie understanding and accepting all this information at such a young age, and allowing yourself to process the emotions that come with it.
I'm so glad you're here. I would, IF YOU CAN (not saying it's accessible to everybody) get a trauma informed therapist that specializes in PTSD and Trauma. CBT and DBT are often not as effective for childhood trauma survivors but are performed by most therapists who are not specifically trained in trauma and are the most common modalities offered.
EMDR, Hypnosis, body/breath regulation, Inner Child and Dialoguing work is often what we need but it seems like for every 25 therapists, 1 is EMDR certified and specializes in trauma and PTSD.
@@kathrynquinnstreeter4238great tips. Thanks
kathrynquinn, when I was 25 and on my third counselor (talk talk talk, if I knew how to resolve it, I’d do it and not be in sessions), one introduced me to an inner child book. I never really got the hang of it then, so I’ve never revisited that type of therapy. They say EMDR works, it should it’s somatic
Ah, the whole "am I self consumed or did I end up in a room full of jerks" set of problems is a spicy trauma response
Yes any ask or need was a BURDEN. Neither parent could focus even a small portion of their attention on something I needed. Big Sighs and frustration literally throwing hands in the air over why I couldn’t just deal with it myself. Siblings and parents competed for resources and attention so that was another barrier to receiving any attention-it was a double edged sword. I decided early nothing was available there so I just looked outside the family system for support. Family mad about that too. Why don’t you stay home? Pretty tricky to navigate.
In my experience only the golden child was allowed to lean on people and be vulnerable because it can't be their fault that they are in an unfortunate situation
@@leahflower9924 I was not the Golden child - there was one. She was harmed by that role despite benefits as a child. She’s grown into a pretty narcissistic mean spirited older adult. Not unlike our mother who is no longer alive. It’s just sad. I avoid her for my own health.
Huh, them being mad that you are looking for help outside in the world, well they are the ones who pushed you away to do that, that sounds narcissistic as can be & I hope you beat the demons that your parents gave you, I really hope you do. I Wish you the best 🤙🏽
I'm autistic and I can remember a large portion of my life. The reason I struggled so much with letting go of coping mechanisms that worked during trauma, but didn't work anymore outside of it, was because those coming mechanisms were SO hard to acquire.
It could just be me. But I intimately remember the process of having to let go of my natural reactions to needs (crying when I needed to be soothed, melting down when I needed lower light or less sound, etc) in favor adopting crappy reactions. I had to learn to be small and quiet, and eat my pain.
That's a SUPER painful experience that, for me, was really conscious. Letting go of it meant (to me) that I had failed at something so important, that was so difficult to attain in the first place.
It was really hard to recognize that I hadn't failed at all. I had succeeded at surviving, and at adapting to very difficult circumstances. It was just time to adapt again, and it was going to be as hard as the first time around, but this time I would have support. 😭💜
I still sometimes struggle not to go straight to old habits, but more and more, my brain is defaulting to coping strategies that work better for my life now.
It's such a relief when you feel like you can finally go on auto pilot again sometimes.
Beautifully written.
I so relate to your comment. And i think you for sharing. Also i am sorry and winced with you about the intensity of processing deeply painful hurts from past experiences. Too many people ignorantly say ' get over it, live in the present'! Not understanding that is literally impossible to do without years and years of retraining the brain-body and validating support for the previously unacknowledged deprivations or harms from the past. For those with ptsd, reactions are often involuntary.
Its like saying to a dropped plate, "stop being broken!' without picking up the pieces and painstakingly finding a way to rejoin the pieces, and never again will it be the same.
Also autistic and c-ptsd, and it is so utterly exhausting dealing with other people, modern society and my own dysregulated reactivity ( once perfect survival adaptions). I am grateful at age 54 to have at least relief from constant emotional pain i carried in previous decades. I have managed to create some humble security in most aspects of my life, but still not much buffer zone, difficulty in relationships and quite isolated on a personal level. For now it feels safer, but i do make that effort daily to interact in a healthy way with others and self reflect as honestly as i can about how and what i am doing. The moments i feel safe enough to just be on auto pilot are such freedom and relief.
also autistic but funny enough i have the exact *opposite* experience. i don’t remember most of my childhood; i only start to really remember most of my life once i entered college. there are little trauma memories here and there that i can pinpoint as moments of conditioning that affected the rest of my life, but only now am i coming to a point where i can go back have my actually natural reactions (even if those reactions are now distressing to me because of my conditioning)
Catie, you sound like a very brave, and very strong human-on OR off of the Spectrum! You expressed yourself beautifully, and in a way that anyone can relate to… Please take good, loving care of your (stellar) self!
Thank you for the vision of support and reframing adaptation. I am going through a new adaptation and even though I am building support, I didn't process that I could have the support. This may seem like semantics, but for me there is a cognitive shift. Thank you and blessings.
The shadow isn't always negative. It's just what is suppressed, what is hidden under the surface. Anger is not part of my shadow, as it's one of the few emotions that was acceptable to express. Anger covers fear and shame for me, thus the latter are in my shadow. Positive emotions I wasn't allowed to express are also in there too. The shadow is merely the hidden. Good and bad.
Good clarification.
That explains a lot of things about me! In my 20's a co worker told me he felt intimated by me. I didn't know why. I wasn't a bully. I was the good girl. I get it now.
1. Guarded Distrust- Turst out of Nowhere ( Dead to Me)
2. Intensity: Taking it too seriously out of nowehre (Neurotic)
3. Taking it personally (wounded)
4. Beiing- self conusmed (Ego)- Pain Body; narcs
Thank you!
Thank you
Tf is turst
@@kindauncoola typo
I do have childhood issues or shadow work ive done. You resonating so good i was wondering if you or someone would listen to what im saying. No advice unless you offer i need ears so i can get to my higher self. Healed from past.
My Mom seemed to hate everyone. She made fun of everyone. She didn’t have any friends either.
Same
The old adage is true…
A child that is not embraced by the village, will burn it down just to feel it’s warmth.
What I've found is that those maladaptive cognitive habits are learned from a damaged parent or other authority figure that we identified with as a child so when those are then challenged it isn't just about the behaviour it's also about having to reject that trauma bond with the important person although it's not conscious in our awareness.
Oh yes Thanks for pointing that out. Got some thinking to do.
As usual I look at all the things within me that are broken and I feel intense sadness that I will never have enough time to fix the breaks. It feels impossible. I have little time left to find life and am exhausted at the thought of being in a static state.
Does anyone else worry that the trauma they went through wasn't "enough "? My dad was prone to raging at times, name calling, breaking things etc. But he never hit me outside of spanking when I was little and never hit my mom. Most of the time he was/is a good father. So many people go through abuse in childhood that is egregious. I definitely check many of the boxes for childhood trauma symptoms but I feel like the things I experienced shouldn't have affected me so strongly.
Yes! This is why it took so long for me to find videos like Patrick's. I always thought I didn't experience SA or physical abuse so my trauma isn't serious. But there are things like shame that we also need to heal from ❤
So maybe it's time to stop focusing on what caused stuff and instead figure out how to fix it lol
Trauma can be from many things - even falling down as a child...I don't know if judging your experience as less than, is giving yourself the validation/acknowledgement you need in order to heal? Is minimising what happened to you ultimately helpful? From who or where did you learn to minimise your experience the first time? Calling names, destructing property and beating you (spanking is a cute word, but let's call it what it is) is WAY TOO rough for a little one who relies on dad to provide comfort, love, a safe space and reliable nourishing. It sounds like you feel that your 'reaction' to the trauma is over the top and unwarranted - are you truly milking the trauma for some reason or were you taught to minimise your experience and feelings? Just because it was typical for parents to strike children during that time, does not make it ok. I heard Gabor Maté say that the research now shows that beating/lay a punishing hand on a child is harmful. Everyone hit their kids, doesn't make it right, healthy or okay. We see it as the norm growing up, but I bet you knew as your little self - while you were being hit - you knew in your heart it was a transgression against you.
That is still emotional,/psychological abuse hun. I get triggered by anyone yelling and will have a full blown panic attack afterwards because of my Dad.
You had no safety as a very vulnerable being with nowhere safe to go. The degree of the abuse isn’t really what to focus on.
Jeez! Patrick! I’m so tired of being the broken one of the family!
The rest have trouble too, but they ignore it.
Sick of it!😖
So grateful for your video here. Jury service today for a severe child abuse case. And in the prosecutor’s questioning the jury pool, I had to get out of that courtroom.
Judge called me to the rail to speak and I could not find my voice. Only a giant screaming wail working its way up.
I motioned to the bailiff and left.
Later the judge had me in without the jury pool to tell my story.
I sounded like my 8 year old self. But the lawyers softened. Judge apologized. Thanked me for being brave. Then dismissed me.
What makes this even worse is if it is real. I had to leave a very toxic job and I kept gaslighting myself that I was being too sensitive. I was treated differently at work and even right before I quit my coworkers pointed it out. I'm still recovering from that job.
Also having to be perfect and not make mistakes is something a lot of black ppl have to deal with. I felt it so much at work being the only black woman at work in the entire mid-size company in a very competitive white collar industry. The criticism over very tiny mistakes drove me insane (I got messages and comments for leaving a space between a period.) and I'm already a perfectionist from being a scapegoat. It was a double whammy. Any tips on this would be great.
My boyfriend has been dealing with similar things. White coworkers blaming all the mistakes on him while also giving him more of the work then his other colleagues, waking up on a panic to a bunch of passive aggressive texts. It’s horrible.
I am so sorry you went through that and believe me I DO understand because I went through the same things in jobs, not because I'm black but because I'm Bipolar. I think many people in society and in workplace are Narcissistic and these type of people sense out who they can dump on, use as a punching bag and who they can't. Please know you are valuable just the way you are because God doesn't make junk, right? May Almighty God bless you with a good job in the future! Hey, I'm rooting for ya!!❤
I think we have to keep detailed notes about what happened, so we va understand the facts later. It helps to keep inventory, just to cover our back. True for all, despite race, gender or age. When warning bells go off, have to protect
@@aderyn7600 yes and it was just a few junior coworkers making my life hell. It’s so awful. I’m glad your bf has you to recognize it
@@ginafarley6190 HR rarely does anything unless it’s very overt. It’s subtle enough to where you can’t pin it or they will say you’re not being a good team player. Every black employee eventually quit outside of just one person. I’ll keep a list in case this does come up for others. I did eventually report those clowns to HR but nothing happened
Realized today that I refuse to ask for help no matter the circumstances or the severity of them, likely because my aunts dog attacked me as a 7 year old and she told me I “must have done something” despite her three sons telling her I didn’t even acknowledge the dog. For months after, someone would have to hold it by the collar so I could get into the house. And when it was just her and the kids there and it would be loose, and I’d lock myself in a car, screaming for help as he circled the car, she would just yell things like “just get out of the damn car”, “he’s doing it because you’re screaming” and yelling to her kids, “don’t tie my dog up”. I genuinely never realized that could be traumatizing. Not the attack but the victim blaming and lack of protection. Sorry for trauma dumping but it’s just a crazy realization.
Every time I watch your videos I'm reminded how much I need therapy lol You make it all make sense. Incredible.
"feeling like you're being kicked when you're already down". That resonated so much. Thank you for putting that inton words and sharing with us. 😊
When growing up and then well into my 60's, I wish I had someone like you who could have help me understand why I was regarded , by others and myself, as odd, intense, emotional and hyper-sensitive. For those of us who have experienced abuse, it can be a very lonely and isolating existence. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your online "free" sessons into the core understanding of ourselves and being able to start loving ourselves. God Bless you always
I feel like an utter alien in this world. It seems like every word I say is wrong and gets me looked at sideways. I feel like the world is a passionless dead place that just accepts mediocrity and blandness as a default. The whole place is a mess of apathy. Every day is a struggle not to jump off a cliff and finally be free of so much bullshit. Normies don't have an ounce of empathy in them for people who have endured trauma. It is maddening. Ugh, thanks for a place to vent.
Working through this people pleasing; once a friend told me, "You try so hard to be good." This has been a total self-gaslighting for me. Oh, no! Am I not really a good person and just pretending to be? What if I'm just hiding who I am. Maybe I'm just like my mom and can't face it? I prayed and prayed about this. God, am I a good person? Is this just an act that I don't know about? Then I felt my heart, and realized when I do something good for someone, I feel it in my heart. I don't see how that could be a false self. But I also know that often times in the past, I would help the wrong people out of a type of automatic compulsion and paid the price. I do see how I can be compulsively giving, too. It's a lot of work to break through; when I get a compliment or a thank you, I don't take it in, I can't feel it.
Wow! I'm almost 49. Diagnosed autistic at 38. A lot to unpack! CPTSD and neurodivergance! Grateful for this content, thanks Patrick. I'm experiencing so much grief, false guilt, shame, dealing with dissosiation, keeping food compulsion/perfectionism in check and not being able to work any longer and knowing my true self behind the masks of trauma and autistic masking,
Patrick, I have done years of work on the traumas I experienced, and realized I was still really struggling with some of the "fixes". Even with the trauma understood, some of these things simply got worse not better. It made no sense.
What finally pushed me over the top, and put a frame on the puzzle of "me" that I have been trying to complete, was discovering the recent information out there on autism. I took the tests, seriously researched deeply on the topic, and well, holy crap, and feelings of relief and freedom all at once: Everything says I am an autistic 65 year old woman.
NOW I know I am not BAD or WRONG. My brain works differently. I understand why I have such a hard time with certain things that others seem to find so darn easy. I see why things that normal people love I find hard, like going to parties baffles me. I now see why I am the way I am. It's like having the bird cage door flung open for me.
YOUR videos got me to where I could seriously consider this "shadow", because I certainly didn't want to be autistic. I can now accept that I just plain am. Now I get it.
Now I have so much more compassion for my inner child and the "shameful" things she did. I have context.
This is an excellent video that explains how we hold these traumas. The list around 30 mins in is excellent.
Thanks for unknowingly participating in my healing. Your videos are fantastic.
i had a very similar experience. once i discovered my autism diagnosis, it all just clicked for me. not in the way that i finally had something to "blame" it on, but i finally had a framework for understanding myself that actually made sense all the way. it really changed my life at 30yo.
Hello. For both of the commenters above, have you been diagnosed by a licenced professional or did you just got tested online ?
Thank you in advance for the reply.
A lot of interesting research these days on some similar symptoms of developmental/relational trauma and autistic traits.
@@Koozomecyou can go to psychology today, select psychiatrist and then select autism. It will bring up psychiatrist specializing in diagnosing autism. It won't leave unless if they take your insurance. Good luck
It surprises me when people list going to parties as autism. I always hated going to parties but I thought it was because I was an introvert. My symptoms of autism or more related to highly sensitive person
The ending brought to mind a thought I had as a young boy. I realised back then that I was placed in impossible situations and concluded that I should-in an act of defiance-follow my parents' instructions and/or demands to a tee and literally, because then surely they couldn't falsify my performances. I would then just say I did exactly as you asked of me.
But it was never enough, was it?
The 4 things from the video: guarded distrust, intensity, taking it personally and being self-consumed. This video was very helpful for me.
Can't wait
I already know that this man is going to help me make sense of my childhood
Thank you Patrick ❤❤
The issues struggling with intensity and I'm embarrassed to say, but self righteousness, really reasonably with me. I've found myself constantly beating myself over not being enough and then going sideways on people who i DO NOT want to go sideways on. Thank you for the work you do and for helping us understand these concepts so we can grow into a happier and healthier life. I really appreciate it.
Haven't heard that term in awhile people say when I'm manic I'm wild out there just triggers.. now I know but no one tells you in high school your fine now hiding stuff and then the real world with no money and no copes freaking out gets old I gave up I said fine I might be a little unhinged f it it is what it is but I don't believe psychology because of really bad experiences with it my young new Drs are like just trust me like no you covered shit up and now that I'm labeled f you .Your really hostile like yeah you got me addicted too drugs and on welfare f you again .
my therapist actually started off our deeper work into childhood trauma with shadow work, followed by a narrative assignment, first from my perspective, second from an objective perspective. It was enlightening, even if it was painful, and heavily triggering, so much so my online therapist suggested EMDR.
Regardless, I think it was very impactful on me, and I'm so glad you're covering it!
I think major ones for me are: taking things personally and always feeling mediocre, causing conflict so I never stood up for myself, feeling dominated so I wanted to dominate others, and fearing failure so I don't even try.
It’s like we’re twins. You explained this experience beautifully… also, I love oatmilk too.
Can shadow work be done without therapist? And how was EMDR, could u explain a little bit?
Was EMDR helpful to you? Sorry if this question is too much, don't worry if you don't want to answer. I'm just curious is all. I went to therapy before, and she only wanted to do EMDR.
The thing was, I wasn't allowed to speak out growing up, was abused if I had an emotional reaction that parent couldn't handle. And my therapist telling me "you're getting emotional. Let's stop talking and calm down." Then have to follow her hands and count down in silence. Just shut me down completely. Then because the shut down, the sessions would end early.
I did that for a year getting no-where because i needed her to help with my emotional buildup, not shut me up because i still can't be allowed to feel.
Yet i always hear how great EMDR supposedly is?
Sorry this is long-winded. I'm just not sure if I'm the issue or not on this therapy type.
Patrick, thank you for your work from the bottom of my heart. I connect with everything so much that it finally feels like going in the right direction!! I'm 33 now, I saw my first therapist at 13 and have been to several of them over the years. Some were plain awful. Basically shaming me like I was just an ungrateful teenager. Some just said it was a depression or a phase. Some were blank slates who offered nothing back. I had been told things like "that sounds so hard to have been thru" and "well you seem really in touch with whats going on" but they didnt give me any real ways to work it out or make progress to change it. It was around 29 years old I gave up on professional therepy. I felt like I was spending money to talk about my problems. Which I could do for free. I also sort of felt like okay at this point ive been to therepy, I feel a little better, they validated me a bit, I should be healed now. I'm totally normal and cool and my therepist was even impressed by how in touch I was with myself. Gold star in therepy. However, that was not the case. It really only became apparent to me that I had much more work to do when my long term partner started challenging me on my reactions to things. (Like a discussion of what to get for dinner could end with me crying and feeling personally attacked). Like you said, it was so hard to hear, and I didnt want to see it, but a part of me knew he was right. The "Dark Side" reactions would just explode out of me over the smallest things. Once I calmed down afterwards, I started to be able to see it. I reached a point where I could accept that the "Dark side" was there but I still didn't understand why it happened, and how I could stop it from happening. I thought "how could I hurt others and be so cruel when I'm so obsessed with making people happy all the time?" So I went looking for a way to find the answers within myself. Eventually I stumbled on The Crappy Childhood Fairy and then your content. To see strangers on RUclips describe some of my biggest struggles perfectly... well it brought me a lot of hope. I'm not crazy, I'm not a lost cause. Other people have been thru exactly what I've been experiencing and there is a light at the end of this tunnel. So thank you for sharing your journey and helping show us how to start our own.
Amazed you do this free work. It’s incredible, powerful, uplifting. I just had the courage to start apologizing to myself, making space to apologize to a close friend, making waves good sir! Great waves! 🙏🏽 thank you
Great comment
See you then amazing people ❤
See you lovely 🌹😊
One benefit of my shadow work has been to eliminate some of my interpersonal blind spots. For most of my life my need to hide myself from myself and believe my own hype prevented me from realizing how many of my behaviors as an adult were reactions and compensations based on my family system.
I have been vulnerable to manipulation as an adult because I didn’t see my own arrogance, vindictiveness, maternal impulses, obsequiousness, etc. Also, mysterious aversions and crushes can often be understood by looking at my own dark side in an nonjudgmental light.
Of course the best benefit of shadow work is that it enables me to rein in my dark side. I can’t work on something which I hide from myself. The root cause of my hiding my own traits is that I got the idea as a child that I had to have the traits my family needed me to have or be abandoned as unlovable. Though female, I was cast as a mercenary, effective, forceful person. For years it was hard for me to be affectionate, tender or protective. I also have tended to join organizations with strict rules so I can check all the boxes prove to myself how good and virtuous I am, and not greedy and domineering. Humor helps a lot. I was class clown, too, 6th grade.
First example reminds me of freaking out after my boyfriend’s friend “playfully batted my foot” after having a more than a few drinks. I was alone with him while my boyfriend was finishing his night shift. I felt really terrified and angry at him, and I told him “hey please don’t do that, I don’t like that.” Upon which he passed out on the couch.
I guess the shadow piece came out after the fact because even though at that point, I likely would have been safe (with his friend passed out, and having asserted myself) I was still in a stage of FFFF. I called my bf in a panic and conveyed the intensity of my fear -anger at the moment, and told him I was coming to meet him at his grandmas (where he was headed after work to take the dog out) because I was “afraid for my life.” I literally said those words now that I think about it. I think I really believed that I was in danger, so I didn’t understand my bf’s reaction when he became frustrated and angry with me for “freaking out.” That only sent me further into my echo (what I call my flashbacks) and I turned into the sorry, anguished, ashamed and remorseful 6 year old that I was when I was being verbally abused by my father.
Thank you so much for all of your help, Patrick. To you out there who are reading this, we are all in it together and we will get through it. This one is a hard one for me. I'm going full force! Good healing to you all!
I need to show ju mom what u said it took age 25 to just realize I was living with my parents mindsets. Specifically not finding ways to better myself & life. Something I learned off work during lockdown. Spending sooo much time with myself and my family.
In 6th grade my teacher called me a 'Silly Goose'. Love ya Mr. Teahan, thanks for the video's.
I am an introvert.
In my dreams, I sometimes am angry and violent.
I can honestly say that listening to your videos has helped me understand myself more than all the so called therapy I've gone through. Thank you.
Agree
Really appreciate the level of detail in this one!
Patrick, I've done the exact same thing. I didn't know about "triggers" until recently. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for helping me get through this pain. 🙏
So sorry your mother was like mine, you didn’t deserve that. I’m so glad you’re living your purpose. I’m going through a bit of a tough time at the moment and am so thankful to you 🙏
Poverty and Narcissistic abuse is a curse! You can't help being neurotic and defensive! I have to be on high alert which is exhausting! 🙏💔😰
You're in my head on every. damn. one. of these things. I wish I could have found out about this at a younger age like you did. At least now I know I'm not crazy. Working through the shame of how I acted in the past is a real struggle.
For me, forgiveness comes from being someone who won't make those same mistakes again. It will be a while before you can forgive yourself for things you're still working through. But today you can forgive yourself for being stuck, because you're at least trying to move in the right direction.
It helps me (and a few friends) to remember the good things about yourself and your skills that you can use to overcome those past actions you're still working through. So, I (1) list the mistakes, (2) list what you still did right in those situations, (3) list the skills you have to overcome those mistakes.
For 2, be generous, like, you didn't go on a murderous rampage, you felt guilty after a while, you always allow people physical autonomy. This is just to remind yourself that there's a limit to the bad that there's something to build from, even when you're at your worst. This is also a good place to mention if people still like you or feel safe around you, "my friend always feels safe to speak their mind", it's a good clue to the stuff you're doing right.
For 3, here's some suggestions just based on me seeing your comment here:
- Now that you know better you're doing better.
- You're relieved to finally have solutions.
- You're drawn to healthy and healing behavior.
- You feel shame, (you might need to work on making it a healthy expression of shame)
I’m so tired of living in fear and I’m 47. I left home at 15, never went back. Your videos wake me up to so many layers of how I operate day in and day out. Thank you.
Yeah same story here. Kicked out by stepfather, proper prick he was. I finally stopped self medicating with alcohol 6 months ago. Less anxious, less fear. Bit by bit patch me up.
I realized the term for this work I’ve had to do on myself. It took many years to compartmentalize my understanding of these traits so that I would not completely hate myself. As my childhood was built on criticism and rejection it was hard as an adult to identify the traits without going into survival mode. It was like cleaning up an attic of negative traits and keeping the helpful traits. It took me years to heal and tell my inner child that I didn’t need some of the over reactions or control anymore.
We were really poor, my dad died when I was 6 months old leaving my mom with 5 children under 10 years old. She just couldn't do it but she tried her best unfortunately that left us without a father to support us, with a mother who wasn't mentally prepared, she had no working skills etc. and that brought all sorts of problems, parentified child, anxious and traumatized children etc.
This video perfectly describes my childhood and descent into addiction and what I'm learning and realizing about my past now that I'm in recovery.
I found this video at EXACT right moment in my life. There is a pattern to the universe 💖💖💖
You have helped me tremendously Patrick ❤️👍❗ More than any therapist I have worked with.
My joy as I experienced something that resonated with me as an individual meant shame, teasing, punished.
I’ve been feeling overly sensitive, easily triggered and ashamed of same so much as of late. Trying to identify origins while recognizing my go to, highly ineffective coping mechanisms of avoidance (disassociating) and giving up much of the drive and attention to detail I normally operate from, happily. So many of the scenarios you spoke of resonate tremendously. Thank you for sharing…🙏
My parents passed away by the time I was 11, I went to live with an aunt who I learned didn’t want me, she wanted my money. And it was so obvious. She never bought things for me, just for her or the house. I only lived with her for a short time, a few months, but it’s reverberated throughout my life. I’ve been in survival mode most of my life, I’m 33 now trying to finally change. Thank you for these videos, they really help me unpack those memories and feelings.
And finally someone explains shadow work, thank you.
thank you Patrick, it'ss very vulnerable of you to share your own shadows to the world
14:50 " feeling kicked when you're down." It didn't even need to be a direct criticism, though there were plenty of those, too. So much toxicity and stress was/is going on in my family life that sometimes it feels like I'm getting repeatedly smacked in the face with a whiffle ball bat.
one of Patrick's best videos
Thank you, Patrick ❤
You really are a treasure. I am a teacher and I just got student feedback a few days ago (end of schoolyear ritual), overwhelmingly positive but I have been shame spiraling about this one piece in which a student told me I need to "relax". This is about my intensity. I know about it but I hadn't connected it and this note really got to me because I felt there was a kernel of truth in it but it was not really computing. Now I get it. The kid was telling me about my intensity. I hear it, I understand, I agree, I have both regret and a chuckle and I will recalibrate with this new understanding in mind. Thank you, my 17 year old guru, for the lesson (it's not just happy horsesh!@ that teachers learn as much or more from their students btw) and thank you, Patrick, fellow Boston Suburbian for the bright shaft of levity on all this shadow.
Def hear the Boston in Patrick. ❤️
I don't think it's very wise to solicit or accept student feedback on your personality or mental health. Any feedback should be focussed soley on the course material and teaching/evaluation methods. In no way should you be allowing any student to be your "therapist". That is a major boundary violation between teacher and student, and while you and others may find it perfectly innocent, you need to be aware that not everyone may regard it as such; it could be regarded in any number of ways. That's the litigious world that teachers must now live in. If you need therapy, see a professional therapist.
Sooooo deep. My goodness. Thank you for making this free
Don’t trust anyone w anything they say ??? 💔😪 Severe lack of personhood here no matter how hard I try ….. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Intensity is what I've heard so much throughout my life. The sakes were super high, sometimes I made certain outcomes hinge on everything. Really glad I have something to point to when I go to therapy.
Wow, this video came to me when I most needed it. I was just thinking about how I need to validate my feelings and my past experiences without indulging in the narcissistic tendencies that could be a part of self-pity behavior. There’s a balance that needs to be found.
James, I was worried for this too. Finally able sort of to "own up" my feelings whatever may come along, I'll be there for me. It's scary, difficult and sometimes I don't know what to do. I'm a loving mom towards myself, it's weird, stuff happened- Living day by day, I've set my goals, some become clearer as I go and carry on with faith, hope and patience. Take care ☝🏽🌌💖💫
@@bbdn5123 Thank you. Take care as well. All the best for you ❤️
Watching this just clarifies how much of my life was running on trauma, repairing all of it, is BLEEEEEEP!
All I can hear is James Earl Jones, "Luuuke...
Srsly though looking forward to tuning in... It's been a tough mother's day and a tough father's day this year.
Patrick, thank you for being so candid about your experiences. It makes you human to us and easier to identify with. I mean that in a good way!
Great video Patrick! I also struggle with taking things too personally. I have a mother in law who likes to tease for fun and growing up in a family where teasing was mean spirited and meant to hurt, I struggle with her a lot and internalize her jokes.
Are you sure the teasing is 'for fun'? Maybe it is just less obviously mean than your family. Maybe you're having a legitimate reaction. I've needed help to recognize when people were being mean to me. This could be the case while you also work on taking things less personally.
@@lizblock9593totally possible!
@@lizblock9593that is what I'm wondering too. If OP has told the mil they have a hard time with teasing? (I don't know if they have) then if mil teases anyway, it's probably not just for fun.
Thank you, Patrick! Your hero’s journey helps us all. I just started shadow work. It took years for me to work up the courage to look inward and to do the healing work. I’ve written the first page. I can definitely relate to the disconnect and the intensity aspects. I am finally beginning to question my global paradigm that people suck and will hurt you if you get too close. I still have social blind spots, so I don’t think I’m ready (maybe never will be) to let down my guard .
I can't tell you how much these videos have helped me. Thank you so much for putting this content out for free. I have seen several therapists, but none really understand childhood trauma, and thinking through your journal prompts helps me uncouple my feelings to what is actually happening in the present. I am a teacher and deal with a lot of children who are going through a lot of trauma. I'd love an episode discussing the trigger of dealing with other's trauma. You would be the supreme expert on the matter.
Watching these videos are things I have to watch sip by sip because I get overwhelmed by things I relate to, but they're said so eloquently that it gives me words to understand how I feel.
Shadow work and childhood trauma... such an interesting topic. Lord, you are describing me, kinda triggers. Ok How to work on it. : D Taking ourselves less seriously - Check Take things less personally - Check Find more humility in others - Check Don't hide negative emotion - what does this even mean ? I am growing into a more mature place, I'm handling things better, being patient, waiting for the outcome. It's almost like life is slowing down and I'm seeing more, making better decisions, and picking up on toxic behaviors quickly. Patrick, you are God sent, thanks for all your work.
Patrick I just wanted ro say Thank you! Because of people like you & Lisa A Romano I started cycling through the ACOA Steps.... channels like this are life savers, the work you do is so important. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING/GIVING BACK WHAT YOU LEARNED! ❤
I wish you were my counselor. 😅
Growing up my siblings and I were bought clothing by my narc "father" who insisted we wear that would place a target on our backs. We were bought the cheapest items and had a small cycle of hand me downs while attending public schools. At the time we were in school the area was a booming GM town and EVERYONE had a lot of disposable income.
You were judged harshly by the clothes you wore and your hair and shoes.
It was rare we got haircuts and when we did, they were a $2 chop job. In kindergarten I remember wearing shoes that were shaving off the insides of both heels of my feet. My toes were curled under because I had long outgrown them. Yet I wore them because they were the only pair of shoes I had. I had adapted and learn to run and jump and do whatever even while my toes were completely turned under and my feet in excruciating pain.
I knew by kindergarten if I had asked the evil entity for shoes, he would have blown his stack. Anytime we asked for things we desperately needed he would throw a tantrum and blame my poor Mom.
Walking to the school in shoes with holes is one of the worst memories of my childhood.
Took me years to convince myself that I am not the reason why I had such a bad treatment, my parents were broken, I was totally perfectly OK and never ever deserve this shit.
My condolenses for your crushed childhood.
Wish you well.
Yeah! It's starting! ❤❤❤❤
The honesty...the honestyyyy aaaah, helps create a safe space for me to be honest with myself too
The editor nailed the effects!! This is a great perspective.
Patrick you are SUCH a gem.
Thank you so much Patrick! Wish I had discovered this when I was in my twenties. Thank you for helping us all heal!
Me too. When I was in my 20s there was no such thing as anything Patrick says.
Thank you for this! I’m heavily impacted by the “wounded” and taking things personally aspect. Very helpful insights!
U hit the nail on the head with this…. Thank you!!
the most validating youtube channel for me and many others from what I see. (not that we have a problem with being validated...)
Yikes, I got caught with being self consumed talking about how I'm figuring shit out... I've been doing that for years as I've been floating around getting actual help. Thanks for addressing this part of recovery as I've absolutely been struggling with that one.
aaaah @Carnables give yourself compassion while you are healing, it will help you have compassion for others.
Same here… handing out progress reports like I’m the head of some department 😂
The disgust at your peers doing better than you is so relatable. This makes me feel a bit better in that I’m not just an asshole for my own sake. I don’t want to be jealous:/
You are a gift to the world, especially childhood trauma survivors like myself! Thank you 🙏
The one thing that brings the Devil out of me is being interrupted in the middle of an immersive experience for mundane reasons. You pull off my headphones, I pull off your skin. That's just the way the cookie crumbles.