Sneaky Boundary Crossings in Childhood Trauma
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- Опубликовано: 28 сен 2024
- Sneaky Boundary Crossings in Childhood Trauma
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
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My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.
If you are, or someone you know, is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
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Chapters:
0:00 Intro & Story TIme
4:00 Format of Video
4:18 Nothing to See Here
4:42 Nothing to See Here (Examples)
6:23 Nothing to See Here (Boundaries Crossed)
7:30 Nothing to See Here (How This Boundary Affects Us in Adulthood)
8:22 Nothing to See Here (Overcoming This Trigger)
9:20 Nothing to See Here (Healthy Reparenting)
9:55 It's Not Confidential
10:38 It's Not Confidential (Examples)
13:25 It's Not Confidential (Boundaries Crossed)
14:21 It's Not Confidential (How This Boundary Affects Us in Adulthood)
15:13 It's Not Confidential (Overcoming This Trigger)
16:08 It's Not Confidential (Healthy Reparenting)
16:57 You're Here For Me
17:10 You're Here For Me (Examples)
19:45 You're Here For Me (Boundaries Crossed)
20:52 You're Here For Me (How This Boundary Affects Us in Adulthood)
21:48 You're Here For Me (Overcoming This Trigger)
22:48 You're Here For Me (Healthy Reparenting)
23:45 My Beliefs Are Yours Now
25:23 My Beliefs Are Yours Now (Examples)
26:39 My Beliefs Are Yours Now (Boundaries Crossed)
28:08 My Beliefs Are Yours Now (How This Boundary Affects Us in Adulthood)
29:42 My Beliefs Are Yours Now (Overcoming This Trigger)
30:50 My Beliefs Are Yours Now (Healthy Reparenting)
32:32 Final Thoughts
33:07 Motives Diagram
35:49 Final Thoughts (continued)
36:35 Connect With Me
36:55 Outro
The format is incredibly simple in the best way. I am so grateful you broke it down like this, because it’s so easy to over complicate and confuse- this format fosters such an ease of understanding
Thank you Patrick! I'm sharing your videos with other people all the time now. So thankful for you.
thanks Patrick these timestamps make it easier to take notes!
Thank you so very much for your wisdom, perspectives, time and validations on these. Its so relieving to know that the things I had experienced have names and I am now being taken much more seriously
Does being hit as a child also count as being part of the Beliefs section of the video? Wondering where I can look deeper into this topic of conditional love and physical discipline
Parents keeping secrets yet not allowing the child to have any there's a huge boundary violation in my family.
I can relate. Now as an adult one of the biggest dealbreakers is if someone violates my privacy boundaries!
@@FreyaGemexactly. I don't wait for an explanation. They're out of my life at the first betrayal
THE SECRETS: not admitting child abuse, not admitting alcoholism, not admitting financial irresponsibility, not providing medical attention - all the while convincing the church that she’s done it all, suffered the burden of carrying it all.
yikes❤️🩹 so true
A misstep for me that’s happened more than once: my son is 4, and sometimes he does things or says things that I think are funny or cute or clever and I tell my mom about it and I can visibly see him shrinking back when I tell her. I didn’t realize that he would feel that way until I saw him feel it. I’m learning not to share things about him as entertainment, because it really is a betrayal of his trust in me. Building me up while it’s tearing him down, and I hate that for us both. It’s better for me to be quietly proud of him, esteem him highly, and be amused by him, without over sharing
That's so wonderful you noticed and respect that now. We all make mistakes. Can't imagine how hard it must be to acknowlege you have been doing something wrong in terms of relations with your child. Much love to you ❤
Wow I love this, I was telling my sister in law about my daughter's eczema and although she's only 2 she got really embarrsed and said "don't say that" I'm going to give her more privacy now with her struggles ❤
Agree! We all need to zip the lip when dealing with other's feelings and growth.
I've learned this the hard way.
Zip that Lip 💋
Thank you.
Oh my gosh, you are doing really well perceptively, I hated hearing people talk about me as a kid even if it was good- sometimes I’d start acting the opposite way and then not even know why. 👍
"You're here for me" describes my childhood perfectly. I learned about money issues, affairs, drama with the neighbors, what they thought about each other's inlaws (my grandparents), what they thought about my siblings, etc. I wanted to be a good oldest daughter and was fascinated by what was told. In adulthood, I can see how they didn't protect my right to learn things at age appropriate times.
We were their voluntold therapists.
This is what happened to me as well.
That's me too. I became "house mom" in my tween years. My own mother died when I was little. My dad and older brither made me their free therapist, cook, coparent, co-conspirator, etc. The worst part was that neither really respected my opinion or views. I had the responsibilities of a mom/wife but no respect or authority. I remember how this sapped my energy and sense of self. It was awful.
I was Kinnie's Puppet while Amdria/ Windy ABUSED me , then 20 yrs later called me a "homosexual"...Havoc Makers
💔 “I wanted to be a good oldest daughter.”
I was raised to believe that I had no safe space of my own in my childhood home. If I tried to lock myself in my room to get out of a fight with my mother, she would pick the lock and break in, screaming at me. The house was hers and so was everything in it, including my bedroom. She even rented out my room to a stranger at one point and made me sleep in bed with her and share a room with her at age 11-12. I’ve grown to be very protective of my own space. I live alone with my son and my pets and find it extremely difficult to live with anyone else, especially a romantic partner. I get very triggered when things in my space are messed with or misplaced by others. My home is my fortress and I have a difficult time letting anyone in, physically.
Lindsay, your comment triggered a memory of when I was about 6-8 years old. I woke up one morning to discover an adult female in my bed, complete stranger! Not a word was ever spoken before..or after...or Ever re who/what this was about!
Apparently a person known to parent (s) as there was lots of jovial noise from downstairs as I was in shock still in my bed. Never introduced to me. Guess I was just to go with it...
(one of so many boundaries crossed)
@@summacumsoap8983I lived in a sometimes party house. Someone was probably going too hard and needed to lay down. 🙄Children didn’t not only not matter sometimes we were invisible
thats my childhood.
Oh wow I’m the same way
Wow okay, that's really another level of fucked up but that thing with not being allowed to lock yourself in a room sounds familiar. Mom confiscated all the keys to the bedrooms and when I discovered that the bathroom key locked my room door and did it once, she confiscated that one permanently, too... Still isn't in that lock years later... When she was angry I was actually worried that she would kick down the door if I didn't open up 😬
They monitor you for joy so they can quickly try to squash it
Damn that is well-put
Feel this
Words I've never had, but experienced!
oof. yes! I know this well.
Yep, my nmom becomes visibly upset and triggered when I laugh with my friend on the phone. I was the scapegoat in the house. Glad I got out of that hellhole. Felt like I escaped a psychiatric unit.
My family crosses boundaries a lot in the "My beliefs are yours now" category. The further I get away from it, the more it looks like a small cult with my father as the ringleader. It's so weird waking up from that and trying to be in the world without it.
💯💯
I can totally identify with you. It took me decades to realize how cult-like my childhood family was like and is still like. It’s scary knowing that I am still the only one who recognizes it!
Same, I seldom go back to visit but when I do it's like visiting an alternate reality.
I used to be very afraid of close relationships--romantic relationships, loving platonic friendships, whatever--because I equated love with scrutiny and inspection. Eventually a therapist asked me, "Can you imagine experiencing anything else in a close relationship? Something like...support?" And no, honest to goodness, that possibility hadn't occurred to me before. I realize now my family was enmeshed in some pretty significant ways.
"I equated love with scrutiny and inspection" -- another light bulb moment after a whole video of light bulb moments. Thank you!
This is so me, too. It’s terrible and isolating. I hope to recover some day and be able to trust people.
What is this "support" you speak of?
That's precisely how I feel! Every time I imagine myself with someone I imagine them scrutinizing me, my choices, my life. Just everything. Hasn't really occurred to me to imagine support. Thanks for your insight!
Support? People can just be in a relationship and… support? Eachother? Not try to use and control eachother, take advantage of every vulnerability? Yes, I’ve learned this is, in fact, possible l, now, but I sure didn’t learn that from my parents! 😬
After being trapped in the car with my mom for 12 hours, she slowed down to a crawl a block before my house so she could continue telling me off. She ignored my requests to get out of the car so I finally grabbed the wheel and steered toward the curb (going maybe 2 mph). She still tells people that I tried to kill her. Then she lost a couple hundred dollars and told my friends I stole it…without even asking me about it. My friends tried to shame me over it since she was so perfect and sweet with them. She never said anything to them when she found it.
I believe you. Sorry your friends didn't support you, sounds like she manipulated them too in order to control perception of the situation entirely. I just want you to know that I hear what you're saying and I believe you, and I hope you find resolution and peace moving forward.
@@Commander_McSmirky thank you so much!
Sounds like an absolute nightmare- hopefully you do not have to be anywhere near her anymore.
That is literally scary as heck. I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced that horror, and the betrayal of your own friends.
" your mother is so nice. She would never do that." 😡
I gave my mother my favorite book called "Empaths." I felt it would help her really know me and understand me. A week later, I asked how she liked it. She smile/smirked and said, "I gave it to your brother." She didn't care enough about me to even read it. That was a soul crusher..
😓
Yes. My Mum doesn't keep books ( too much clutter and my step dad doesn't approve) 😢🤬😭
@kriskairn3715 Apparently prefer to remain ignorant
🤗 Ouch so sorry 😢
Did you tell her openly about your need of being understood or that it would mean a lot to you if she'd read (parts of) it?
Asothers said, your frustration is totally valid. Just want to make sure you communicate your needs openly, so they can be met.
They simply did not allow boundaries, on our parts. Punished for our "rebelliousness" for even trying to have any. Starting from babyhood. Somehow our very physical growth and maturation enraged them, when they noticed. I'm still finding pockets of problems that have this as an element. At 74 years old.
At 71, we're in the same neighborhood.
Yeah. I can so relate.
It’s great you’re dedicated to your growth Jean, Godspeed. Seeing it kind of like an insane asylum we escaped from as someone here described it. Such a tragic comedy, on a stage, actors and such… Now we see it. Now we heal it.
Oooof, this comment was very relatable.
Boundaries equalled Disrespect
And Disrespect meant I would suffer, somehow.
Dear Gd I don't want my daughter to understand. I'm trying every day to break that cycle. She's 16 months old. It's hard work, but so important.
Seems it can take experiencing most of a lifetime before reality comes into focus.
My narc mother violated ALL bounderies and I was allowed NONE. Very unhealthy childhood. Patrick’s videos are always enlightening for me. I suggest to others who were abused to look up the topic of “Emotional Incest”.
spot on, and look up parentification and parental alienation.
All the best to you 😊
There's a book called The Emotional Incest Syndrome which explains it really well. Sometimes it's hard to find good sources on that topic.
You are not alone. Took the words outta my mouth. My mom killed herself 1 year 2 days ago.
@@electriceyeballI hope you have support and that you flourish after such a long awful time. Vampire mothers really are h*ll.
I will never forget my father taking my phone when I was 19 and looking through private photos of myself and my then boyfriend. He showed all my family members and even talked openly about how his body looked. This lack of privacy always made it hard to talk about abuse from him. It still feels like he's omniscient and knows any time I say something bad about him.
That is disgusting.
So sorry you experienced such evil.
"Not knowing how to be in relationships without being of service. And when you are the focus it feels very uncomfortable or foreign."
...I really have to process this one.
I ran away from home two days ago and it’s been exhilarating and terrifying. I’m staying with safe family members and have been shocked by how many people are in my corner supporting my independence. Thank you for sharing all of this great information, you have been my lifeline for the past few years while I’ve built up the courage to escape. ❤️
Wishing you safety & healing. That took guts !
Future you is SO grateful, so proud of your strength!!! One day at a time!!!
Wish you luck.
Never question your desigion you did a right thing.
Don't come back, don't talk to them if you don't want. Your life is more important to you than supporting theirs unhealthy traits.
Going back is fatal. They will discard you and it will be 100 times more cruel each time. You can do it, you won't die. I promise that much. Please don't go back.
I ran away as a young adult, too, since I was still living with my parents. I had nobody to go to, so I stayed in my car for weeks or with people I did not know. Please don't make the same mistake as me and don't let them enmesh you again. I wish you all the best and that you may heal from all of what you have experienced.
I stopped journaling. It was so bad that I struggled to write daily thoughts about the news for a class in college. Putting my feelings on paper is still painful and feels exposing.
Same here. My mother would constantly go through my stuff and then when she couldn't find anything accuse me of being "so secretive".
@@shadowfax9177yeah the accusations and anger when I stopped writing everything was the worst.
Mother read my journals so I switched to foreign languages which I was good at and I keep journalling in English up until this day (I'm Russian)
This is a huge one for me! I want to so bad but I don't know if I'll ever get over that paranoia
How sad. I think I understand. My mom would go through my room when I was out. Once I was at the beach with a friend and my mom went through my room and found contraception my dresser. She made a big deal about me having the foam. contraception. I belittled her when she accused me of acting like a whore. If her accusations were true I’d have been he fism with me!
Whenever my father comes to visit, he berates me about not buying a house or being able to drive and has little to talk about otherwise. I feel the only reason he visits is to exert control.
I really had to limit my time with my Dad when I became an adult.
Stop letting him come over
I had to state certain boundaries with my parent over and over again until finally I said if you bring it up, that’s it we don’t need to talk. She’s not going to change, but the dynamics of the relationship have changed.
I kept trying to have Family Holiday Dinners with my parents. I would be stressed out & uncomfortable. My father would commandeer the conversation and be weirdly aggressive. After gotten my groceries together one year, he decided they weren't coming over because he bought a turkey breast. My mom was pissed because she was looking forward. I wasn't invited.
No more "family dinners" at my table after that. I stay home and enjoy movies and my stuffing and cranberry sauce in peace now.
I'm in my 30s and to this day never had a driver's license, my parents treated necessary life skills as privileges I didn't deserve.
My uncle gave me a beautiful gold necklace. I left it and anything expensive with my parents when I went to college. My mother started wearing it; which I didn't mind, but then she paired it with a pendant that she said wouldn't go with any other necklace and kept it as an item with her jewelry. When I got upset and said it was a gift from my uncle, she said that she shared everything with me and that I had given a piece of another gift from the same uncle to my grandmother as if my giving one thing was morally equivalent of her taking another.
My birth-giver told her sister "What matters more to you, your salvation or your son?", asking her to move to Washington with her and she said no (my aunt wanted to stay with her son).
This was shortly after I silently cut off my mom for telling me she won't support me until I become christian. I felt so hurt and so enraged that my mother could throw me away like that, when all I ever did was try to connect with her and love myself. Those two things are mutually exclusive. There is no world where my mother and myself can coexist. I have to either sacrifice myself or let her go.
Conditional love is the root of christianity. Salvation is conditional.
@@TheJustinJ I respectfully disagree with you on this. It's just people being people and manipulating others hiding behind whatever they can find, whether that's religion or whatever. No-one can force another person to convert and there's no biblical basis for this either. It's sad that religion can be weaponised by unstable people
Wow. I really resonated with the last part of your comment. I think a big reason I'm having a hard time giving up weed and alcohol is because I don't feel like I'm being my authentic self. Did your mother, by chance, tell you "it's her way or the highway" or that "children are meant to be seen and not heard."
@@publicserviceannouncement4777 Oh yes, "Seen but not heard" was one of her favorites to tell me
My dad constantly crosses my boundaries over hugging and pictures. I don't like to be hugged, not even by my parents. I appreciate it when people ask me first if I'm okay with a hug, when I'm given a choice and they respect it. My dad is never respected this. He even guilt trips me if I resist because he feels he's owed that hug just by being the parent and that providing for me entitles him to it. Then with photos he puts me into group situations where I am forced to either go along with it so as not to cause a scene. Or worse, he takes pictures of me without my knowledge. I feel empty when I give hugs and I hate seeing photos of myself because of all of this. I guess that's part of the "ownership" these parents have, because they own me I don't get a choice
It's all about giving children choice.
Omg my mom does the same thing! You described it so well
I hated giving/receiving hugs because of this. My dad hugs me because it comforts him and doesn't truly care If I want to or not. That sense of emptiness of a performative hug is awful.
At the same time I've barely seen my parents hold hands or show affection with each other. These inconsistencies really mess with a kid's conception of love. It took a lot of work and time to be able be affectionate with other people for sure.
@@Banana_hamock yes! It's depleting of us when we have to do what they want for their needs and ours doesn't matter and is disregarded. We have to hug because they want it, they need it and it doesn't matter if we don't feel good giving one...only their needs and wants matter. My parents did it with me and they started to do it with my kids and telling my kids to give other people hugs too and I told my kids they didn't have to and I'd back them up but it's so hard to advocate for yourself as a child and be out in that situation
@@lisak5804 yes! And if you try to say no it's met with something like "oh what's the big deal, it's just a hug (in this case)" and at face value it's true, for me, that's why it is so hard to argue against. They don't want to see what it means to impose a choice on your child over and over again because they get something out of it.
Good for you on creating boundaries with your kids! My sister doesn't let her kids see my parents and has basically gone no contact at this point. It's been hard, but they are better off, undoubtedly.
The hardest for me wasn't the abuse but trying to fit into society with what I learnt was normal from my family and getting in trouble for my behavior. Having to relearn how to live as an adult, knowing it will never be perfect.
💯
A possible untreated trauma symptom of the my-beliefs-are-your-beliefs toxic family is that the kid can end up vulnerable to cults or extreme groups even (and perhaps especially) in an enraged reaction *against* the parents
underrated comment, this describes my partner
Oh, I just had a conversation with my mother, and this video came up in my youtube subscription list.
She is used to treating me as her personal therapist, something she's been doing since I can remember. I've been going to therapy this year, and asked my mother to stop talking to me about things that aren't in my control, she keeps saying "okay" or "I'm so happy that therapy is working for you" and in the same conversation goes on to tell me about issues she has with my father and a loan my dad recently took. And when I point out that she's crossing a boundary, I just set, she tells me, "I can't talk to you anymore. " or "You just want me to shut up. " Sometimes, talking to her makes me feel so hopeless and frustrated.
Same, in my past when my parents divorced. I had to ask my mom to say his given name vs. “your dad” all the time. Like honey I am not to blame for ya’lls miss communication. And I am trying to date and figure this stuff out myself. A person can only handle so much …
Proud of you for going to therapy.
Good on you for going to therapy and exercising that during those unfortunate opportunities, to really get the benefit of boundaries it's actually what you do when they keep crossing them, in this case, since you already told them what you expect, if they keep crossing it you need to stand up and get going. Boundaries aren't about making someone else do something, it's about how we set them up and see that they are respected one way or another by controlling whether we let it happen to us. Good luck to us all, it gets easier with practice and time. Sometimes when parents keep being bothersome like that despite your efforts, you probably need to reduce the amount you're exposed to it and that's okay.
I was mom's " little Doctor" ( her Words)! and she never failed at hurting me. Never missed a Chance at SHAMING me,publically.
My mother tried to make me her therapist for years. I actually tried to help for a little while. Then I started to get annoyed at her because she wouldn’t follow my advice to find a REAL therapist.
Good for you for going to therapy! Stick with it, and it's not okay for your Mom to work through her personal issues with you. Don't feel bad for drawing that line. You're her kid, not a friend or a therapist.
My mother used my abuse for entertainment in front of many of the family members that I loved and trusted including my grandparents and my cousins.
I think I suffered all of those boundary violations. Mum telling my dad and brothers I’d started my period immediately after I’d asked her not to; mum using me as her therapist; mum telling me all about her marital difficulties and turning me against my dad who wasn’t a good father but it’s left me questioning how much of my anger towards him is truly mine or hers; mum opening my mail; mum forcing me to hand over my savings to a brother, insisting it was a loan and that she’d pay me back but later renaged and told me to get the money back from my brother (who denied any knowledge of a loan). I could go on but the list of boundary violations is too long. All of this left me with a sense that if I set a boundary then I was doing something wrong. I still struggle with boundaries today. And yet I have zero problem in respecting other people’s boundaries!
Oh, I can truly empathise with it. Sounds like our mothers could be mentally cloned. I didn't even tell my mother I had my periods. When she found out 3 years later, I was sitting on toilet, trying to clean myself up. She opened the door (it didn't have a lock) with a grin and yelled so that everybody at home could hear: "YOU CAN TAKE THOSE PADS IN THE CLOSET". I had to tell her multiple times to close the door and go away but she didn't until I screamed at her to shut the f-ing door and get the f out of there. Then she was hurt I treated her so badly when she just wanted to help. This is insane how those parents can even weaponise their children's bodily functions against them.
@@Trammiliin_nr2I totally feel your pain. Our mother never spoke to us about periods, like it was a shameful event, to which led us to feel that it was something to never discuss. What a hateful woman she was and still is, although I broke off contact with her years ago.
I had the same situation about that period thing....
Getting the silent treatment, especially when you’re making perfect sense in a calm way, is the most invalidating and infuriating experience. Some people are masters at it.
When I was in college, the folks got divorced. Moms turned to me to financially support her, be bossed by her, "I AM YOUR MOTHER," and emotionally depend on me as a small child. And really, really pissed at me for deliberately failing her. After 2 years of that I left, college, community and state, with one semester to go. I finished it 5 years later, then escaped again, making her madder. She never got better, never ever ever forgave, never saw my choices as legitimate in any way.
The way you present the content is so helpful and easy to understand.
Btw if your mom regularly bashes people behind their back, including your siblings, you can safely assume she's doing the same about you.
Narcissist parents go one level up and not only tell someone else what you told them but they slightly twist it in a way that makes you look bad, like exaggerate what you said or they might even add to it, saying you laughed at someone when you didn't et cetera, it seems sometimes that they use you as a cover to get their own internal judgemental feelings out about something but not be perceived negatively themselves and in the same breath make you look bad especially to people that you have a good standing with.
My ex-husband and I used to visit my in-laws weekly; my ex would go be with his mother, and I ended up stuck listening to my FIL trash-talk everyone in the world; his siblings, his neighbors, even his other (not present) children! I had the thought after a while, “I bet he trash-talks me when I’m not around, too! 😑”.
As soon as I got to number 2 my heart sank. My parents exploited my rare autoimmune disease and would go into great depth to strangers about my health history, all to shill their MLM products as a panacea for my condition. And when I finally caught them in the act once, horrified and embarrassed, the confrontation was not pretty.
Holy crap. I just had a major revelation about my own problems and triggers. As someone who is at the beginning of healing from trauma, your videos are amazing.
Keep going!
I picked this video to accompany me in picking an outfit for Easter tomorrow. I didn’t think I’d hear something that, in the final section of the video with the “my beliefs are yours” part, would stop me in my tracks and slump half clothed against the wall and just close my eyes like “this is what my parents do” they took away my autonomy by telling me I didn’t need to do any job but only get good grades, so I got those grades. Found out I was gay and I don’t think that my fundamentalist, Pentecostal, evangelical, charismatic, nondenominational Christian parents could ever comprehend the depth of pain they would cause me throughout my life. I live with them for medical and financial reasons. I have put my foot down after Covid lockdowns at their church lifted I refused to go in. Then when my mother would harass me via text and calling me about whether or not I heard the sermon, I would always say yes I did and she’d fucking quiz me. I go to a Lutheran church now even though I’d consider myself agnostic. At this church, they tell me I’m not demon possessed, I’m not diseased and controlled by a spirit of homosexuality, I’m not disgusting, and that they accept me for who I am. I don’t know how I’d be alive right now if it wasn’t for the partners I’d met in college who would bring me to their Lutheran church, and if it weren’t for them not being too far from where my parents live, I would not have made it to where I am nearly as easily as I did. And… it wasn’t easy.
My parents taught me only a few things in my life. How to obey. Only their beliefs are correct. I need to rely on them and believe like them. That spanking your kids will just make them hide from you + be afraid of you. And lastly, how it truly feels to fear authority.
They taught me fear. They stole my autonomy. They said just fall in line. They said every other Christian isn’t a true Christian if they’re not like us.
I’d also like to mention that they are extremely political. I’ve truly had to bite my tongue living here. As I come to grips with the trauma I’ve dealt with and that I still experience, I am beginning to taste the anger and the rage I haven’t been able to feel properly.
They are best left in a small black and white world where they don’t know my real beliefs. I know I’d ruin their small worlds if they knew the truth. ❤️🩹
I turned 65 yesterday. My parents both passed on over a decade ago. They still don't know if I even graduated high school - they never asked. I was an honour student too but skipped both graduation and prom. What was the point? No interest or celebration. Zip. I still shake my head at that.
Chuck 'em, they were crappy to do that. 🎉🎉🎉 For your graduation and 💔 for the chicks who missed an awesome prom 👑
"It's not confidential" patterns gave her endless amounts of gossip to immediately share, it was a virtual compulsion. That pattern of invasiveness can be used to not only invade your diary, go through your drawers and confront you if they don't like your poetry... they not only wrongly share what you tell them (immediately, to the entire family via phone, never mind any requests for privacy); they can twist what you tell them to paint you badly, "sharing" situations, feelings, thoughts which you never even said or meant. I was misrepresented to my entire extended family continually - consequently their perceptions of me are completely inaccurate (and probably irreparable). When I would complain to the narcissist, I was told, "But they're family!" I tried explaining that there are different people in families and not all of them are entitled to know my private feelings, issues, thoughts, but got absolutely nowhere. No sense of interpersonal boundaries even existed or was comprehensible.
Your mother and my mother must have shared strategies. Yuck!
Mine would share all our fights on Facebook for a while :/
You described my parents to a tee. They relished dishing out public humiliation, especially when it came to exposing my mistakes, failures, and misfortunes. Their ultimate goal was to recruit flying monkeys who would join in the chorus, as if it wasn't bad enough just knowing that others knew my secrets.
My father never had any interest in my life or friends after i started school. As soon as my parents' marriage started going sideways, my father was very interested in spending some "fine father and son time". He tried to poorly manipulate me, explained how he abused my mom in detail, just sharing the most unhinged things to his 13 year old. I don't think I've ever felt as betrayed, and hope it stays that way. 28 now, many years of therapy behind, still learning to human.
4 for 4, my family is so good at your exams, Patrick! :D Thanks for all you do
My mother spent hours each week telling me how much she hated my father. How everything was his fault - I was in my 20s before the truth dawned. He was empty and quiet but not abusive in any way. But worst of all, if I did the tiniest thing that reminded her of him, she would shame me mercilessly, make a disgusted noise and say "Urgh! I suppose you're bound to have a bit of your father in you!"
My father was/is AuDHD twice-exceptional. I inherited this from him wholesale. My father is abusive. I chose not to be that way quite deliberately at the age of 6. My mother has always had the “You are just like your father!” attitude. Well, yes, but actually, no! 🤷♀️
@@misspat7555 it's horrible when you've put so much effort into changing yourself for the better, only to be accused of being 'just like him'. I hope you can be strong in your knowledge that you are not! 💝
Thank you for putting these into words. These subtle betrayals distorting perception can cause so much harm to a child's self esteem, mental and physical health. The chronic stress! Emotional neglect is so hard to spot happening - it's the healthy behaviour that should happen but is absent; emotional abuse is aimed at someone to manipulate them by lowering their self esteem; psychological abuse aims to manipulate through distorting perception of reality. And through it all I still believe my NPD parent had no idea of the extent of the harm they were doing because they were only focused on defending their own ego. And the rest of the family and the half safe relatives look on and see nothing because no one wants to deal with the reality of it all.
Wow, both my parents tick these boxes. I'm still dealing with this at age 50.
Me too, all of it. I am 50 as well and whenever I see my parents (which isn’t often, we are low contact), they are still trying to treat me as a child and cross all of these boundaries.
Thank you for the healing suggestion of “letting people fail.” It’s def been a big thing since childhood to instinctively want to take care of others and quickly try to find a solution to their problems and then sometimes may even feel guilty at questioning whether we’d said the right advice or not, or if we said enough. Often left wondering why no one gives as much as I do. Or that it’s unfair bc I put in so much effort and gave so much of myself to help someone, that I never get the same in return, or am only met with silence.
Same here. I wish I'd put that effort into myself instead. I do nothing for myself.
It's a hard lesson. I still struggle with getting things I need let alone want! At least it looks like an odd attitude and I get better at it all the time. ❤
Confidential issue hits hard. The worst was when my mom took me with her to a 12 step meeting when I was about 8 (which was inappropriate in and of itself; usually she left me outside). I was vulnerable and shared with the group as everyone else was doing. Afterward, she told my dad (her alcoholic ex) what I said there, just because she thought it was interesting and was making conversation while dropping me off at his house. Just one example.
It's no wonder that I kind of felt like no one can be trusted, and just used to live my life as if trustworthy people weren't ever a real option that existed.
This. So this.
Can you talk about observing and recognizing a toxic abusive family as an outsider, for example your partners family? Or how they act normal when you're around and the dark side comes out when you're gone?
Ask them (lovingly) about their childhood. Their mom. What their most fond memory is with her. With their dad. Etc.
Keep in mind, people with toxic families can still grow up to be kind and considerate people. So don't discard them for failing to have a good relationship with their parents. This is not the child's failure as any kid wants to be loved by their mother and valued or respected by their father.
That isn’t just a boundary crossing, it’s a FEDERAL CRIME. Yikes.
My mother was a narcissist and secretly took my award check that I had won in a music competition. I asked where the money was and she just said that she spent it.
My mother did this takeover of our joint bank account for college that I'd been putting money into from my crappy high school jobs. And then she moved away, leaving me no place to live to work at my summer job before starting college. She had stopped drinking a few years earlier and this is how she chose to behave, sober. She had to leave the place where her ex-husband, my father, lived. Her custody of me was basically holding her back from a life without my father and a life with out me. She didn't tell me what was happening with the money until after she took it. A few weeks before graduation, she told me she was moving away. The movers would arrive on the day of my graduation. I asked her if she could put it off. No. She could not do that. All of this confirmed that I could not trust her. I've worked very hard on my "issues" about my father, who was very different and outright abusive. But my mother could not/would not protect me from him and was shocked when I confided in her about the abuse. Thank you for reading this.
What your mother did was absolutely awful. And she acted that selfishly while sober, too! I hope you can learn to trust people.
@@fozziebean doing my best. I'm here with other adult children, finding my support people. Thank you.
Soooo relevant to what I've been experiencing soooo long. The intuitive compass being severely broken. I'm only now starting to feel able to trust myself. Reasons why planned parenthood should be an option... If you're going to be selfish and raise a child you shouldn't... You don't get to be offended when they rightfully turn on you for the string of neglect dominoes that will inevitably fall.
My mother sent me and my younger brother outside to search in my father’s vehicle for signs a women had been in it. She shared with us little kids that she suspected my father had been with someone else. We found cigarettes with lipstick on the butts. We told her this. We were in early elementary school. I don’t remember if she said anything to my father or not.
Another time she & my father had a really scary sounding fight. Mother told us to get in her car because we’re leaving. She drove around a lot and aired her grievances about my father. She eventually drove back to the house because she said my father would kill her if she left (I actually don’t think he would have. He never touched her, but they had horrible fights.) This whole thing was just another “knowing too much.”
Your story is heart wrenching even if you did eventually get the money.😮. The info you’re providing is awesome. Finally it all makes sense. Thanks! I’m 77 I guess it’s never too late. Here’s to joy.
😢 I’m the parent doing this, I discovered I suffer from C-PTSD. I’m grateful for RUclips and through these videos and with The Crappy Childhood Fairy, I’m learning and doing better everyday.
I’m grateful it isn’t severe. I’m attune to it….to prevent it further.
I graciously thank you.
💐🙏🦋💖✨🌟
Thank you so much for doing the work. I wish my own mother would but I am so grateful to hear there are parents out there choosing sanity
You are amazing❤keep it up!
Looking inward h seeing your own failings is accountability and honesty -qualities you want to see in your children♡
Hell yeah, I have been my family therapist all my life and I'm the youngest child in my family 😂😂... never got to talk about my problems, only made to listen to and validate their crap
I was recently talking with someone about my childhood, and he said incredulously, "So, they just trauma dumped all over you?" Boy did he cut to the heart of it while I hadn't seen it that way before.
My mom told me about being assaulted twice in her life without telling anyone else in my family, totally casually in a normal conversation. She would clearly despise my father and then say that she didn't when I questioned why she didn't just leave him and protect us from him if he was so bad. I found out when I was sixteen that she tried to k*ll herself when I was a kid. I remembered the day that it happened but no one told me until I was a teenager that that's what happened. I'm thirty four now and I learned yesterday that she tried to unalive herself multiple times. I'm sad for her but after decades of trying to get her to take care of herself, I'm not going to take on her burdens as my own.
My mom spoke about suicide incessantly my entire life. 50yo. Mom finally killed herself last year. I can't say I miss her.
Something that helps me is to say in my head "I am not the source of your suffering, I give you back your self and wish you well" when my mum uses me as therapist. She refuses to talk to someone trained in dealing with mental health therapy because of bad experiences in the past
@@electriceyeballseems like ur mom was asking for help in the only way she knew. 😢
@drawingmomentum she had the best medical care in the world. She inherited millions, had about ¼million left, hemorrhaged money. That and someone finally stood up to her lies. Not me. Long story.
This is a great 👍 topic.
Even as adults, boundaries are crossed all the time. Shared some secrets with a fake friend recently and she gossiped about me. She justified it as “we all do it”.
Someone else banged on my door. I told them several times NOT TO COME IN, they did anyway.
It made me realize as people how much work we have in respecting boundaries. 😢
I knew about all my dad’s affairs and his struggles with my mom at the age of 13. He confided in me a lot. My mom also hated me. This makes a lot of sense. I also ended up being a therapist for my mother as well at a young age. So far I experienced a lot of these boundaries being crossed. 20:45
Boy this. Dad going sober-again-but driving me around alone slamming beers, smoking joints and driving until I would cry to slow down. Not that it matter sex, but I was a small shy girl..🫣
Perfect! I need this to help reinforce my thin boundaries.
Thank you. I needed this video because my mom decided she needs to come visit (my dogs) and I'm sure one or more of these will come up. Last time I had to see her I made a bingo card of toxic stuff I thought would come up and ended up with blackout so I bought myself a motorcycle as a reward lol. Even though I'm in my late 30s with a PhD it still gets to me, but the bingo card has been helpful in case anyone out there wants a suggestion.
What does your bingo card have on it? I'm hoping to use one myself.
You always end up saying a scenario that I relate to 😭 really confirming what I went through was traumatic.
Yeah, like when my mother told us kids she could have done better than our Dad. Telling us she could have had a fellow who had a scholarship to Villa Nova College. Always badmouthing Dad. Picked fights with him.
Yes!!!😮😲👏👏
Thank you, Patrick. Yep - when your mother gets on the phone and tells her friend about your crush, and the friend blabs it, and soon it's common knowledge... 🤬
I was NOT parentified to my parents, but it seemed that i was made responsible for the behavior and the emotional state of the golden child, (the youngest). Anything i earned or created was seen as a resource for her, (even above being for me), and the middle child and i were scolded with "Why can't you keep her happy???"
I felt powerless, knowing that almost ALL conflict would be decided in favor of the GC, (right or wrong), so avoided conflict by avoiding the GC, (who loved to start conflict, knowing she would win). For decades as an adult, i have been repeatedly raked over the coals for "not including" the GC. The scapegoat just can't win. Ever. 🙄
The scapegoat cannot be allowed to win, bc if the scapegoat isn't as terrible as they perceive, then maybe they aren't as wonderful as they want to be either-- and they cannot accept their own imperfections.
For those of us dealing with mail thieves, or if you just need some privacy, you might be able to send your mail directly to the nearest post office and pick it up yourself with ID.
opening someone else's mail is also a felony, so that opens up some legal options if it comes to it
My mother told me she was going to buy me a tiny monkey, just to see me having a happy child face, as she admitted later, and didn't give a crap about me being sad then.
Again, sadly checking all the boxes with both my parents today...
But REALLY helpful video, because you tell so much about healthy parenting.
Oh my god the thing about confidentiality is so helpful. I always tell myself it wasn't that bad when my mom would do that (even when I was an adult). But it really does get in the way in therapy. I've read that Journaling is helpful but it's really hard for me to do it because yeah even though I live alone I do have this VISCERAL FEAR that my notes and journals will be found and read by someone. So i feel like even when I do it I still censor myself and never write down my real thoughts so it's less effective. I wouldn't complain about seeing more on this topic and how to cope with that issue so it doesn't get in the way forever.
Patrick, you didn’t miss a thing. You are so spot on it’s a joy to listen listen to you and I hang on your every word. Thank you so much for making the non-sensible “make sense”. As babies and young children we could never understand the maniacal intent of toxic parent(s). And learning about it later in life as an adult is still incredibly hard. We basically have to re-wire our neuro pathways. So easy!!! Hahah - thx again, you’re the best.
I have found just understanding why I have these triggers (and boy are some of them random) helps me process them and get triggered less often. Just being aware of what is happening and why helps a lot.
I could pretty much tick off all of these. Except my parents use to dog whistle A LOT so others never knew what it meant but just me.
My mum would go through my room and read my diaries when I was growing up and even up until I recently moved out. When I was little she wouldn’t tell me she read my diary but this one time when I was about 23 she did and then told me she always had cause how else did I think she knew what was happening in my life. That time was including quite a significant trauma and she was asking all the right questions, which is what lead me to state this and so she had to come clean. I have also found out from others that she had been in my room and found certain items (not dangerous) but I was a fully grown adult as well. Since the age of 23 I never kept another journal until I moved out and it’s been for therapy. I had suspicion my mum was doing this when I was a teen so I didn’t really keep a journal then either.
My mind is going crazy with all the memories of boundary crossings my parents had done.
My sisters and I. The 6 of us. We’re seen and not heard. And when we were seen. We were beat like a man! Then we had to go on, like nothing happened.
Thank you so much for all of your good work here. Back in high school I started to become aware that my family was very toxic, but my mom would monitor my internet access so i could never learn about what healthy families looked like, and the only school counselor I told said that it was probably just my anxiety making me think that. I just wanted to say thank you, especially in this video for pointing out that parentification can actually be seductive to children. I've been dealing with a lot of guilt recently because I was a gifted kid and I always wanted to participate with the adults around me, and so on some level I feel that it is my fault that my boundaries were crossed. I still have a long way to go unlearning all of the beliefs that I learned in childhood but at least I can get started now.
Wow so many gems in this video Patrick, thank you for this. My family has multiple boundary crossings that are still going on to this day. My mother being the driving force, she married way too young and proceeded to have my brother before 25. Now in her 70s, she still thinks she should control us emotionally. As the only daughter, I can say I had issues around autonomy -- I fought through it and am still fighting. Something like going on a date was never 'allowed' I had to lie and make things up to experience normal rights of passages. My confidence was poked at leading me to aim lower and accept less, specifically around work. I had to rebuild my career in my 30s after realizing I was working in a field I had no interest in whatsoever. It's really sad because although I grew up having a mother in many ways I didn't. Dad was a narc and serial cheater, both were immature parents. My siblings and I basically had to figure key points of life by ourselves which is so unfair and in my opinion wastes so much time. When your boundaries are not respected by your own parents/family you seek other outlets/people to bond with. Lucky for me I have great friends who are my chosen family but a safe version. Thank you for exploring this topic so gracefully.
My mother “borrowed” any money l made babysitting neighbors children, but never paid it back. Never.
I hate that it happened to you 💔
Wow. Spot on !
My mother was the same. She constantly crossed and violated my boundaries, and allowed my toxic narcissistic sister to do the same.
And as for the Prom and any school dances, I was NOT ALLOWED TO PARTICIPATE! And. Not because of money, I was not allowed to be myself, to form friendships, have boyfriends, nor be an average, normal teenage girl.
She also allowed intersibling bullying and abuse, allowed her and my toxic sisters dogs to rule the house and even bite family members, take and read my mail, try to take any money I earned from me, and allowed my uncles ex-wife to verbally and even physically abuse me.
There were no alcohol nor drugs involved in my family, I'm not exactly sure what was wrong with her, but my grandmother was the same, and from what I've heard from other family, her mother behaved that way and was an absolute monster.I'm thinking a form narcissistic personality disorder and even sadistic traits.
I'm sure her behavior is genetic as well as environmental, because my toxic narcissistic sister is EXACTLY like my mother.
I just realized how much damage my aunt did with her fear. She was afraid of everything. She was 5 when her father died which I'm sure triggered that 😢😢😢
Thank you for continuing to post these longer videos. I’m a therapist who is also a survivor of narcissistic abuse and I really enjoy your connections between childhood traumas and impacts on adulthood and functioning. It helps me make sense of my own experiences and any potential counter transference so I can best meet the needs of my child and adolescent clients.
Thank you so much patrick! This was yet again done so well. I love your calm nature, your humility and honesty, you're willingness to share personal examples, and you're making the information so accessible by keeping from too much heaviness and giving concrete examples that we can relate to. Thank you for all the work you put into these, you are helping so many people.
Your videos always help me to see my childhood in a different way. I'm especially grateful for your videos because they make me feel less alone. I can tell by your stories that you absolutely understand what it's like to have parents like mine.
Thank you so much for another amazing video! I loved the chart at the end--I had to screenshot that for future reference!
I often struggle with getting a handle on the weird swings from extreme neglect to authoritarian control that I experienced. For example, at 15, I was deathly anorexic, lost most of my hair, lost feeling in my now-purple fingers/toes, and would frequently pass out. My parents shrugged, completely uninterested in helping me get medical help. I had to take myself to the doctor (thank god for universal healthcare.) On the other hand, my parents didn't allow me to check out books from the public library because they were afraid I'd choose something that conflicted with their strict religious beliefs. To them, I was supposed to be able to solve a very complex medical disorder on my own, but couldn't be trusted to choose a book. It makes sense, though, when I think about how they were prioritizing their own comfort and were operating from a place of fear.
My parents made a big deal of promising they would pay for college (and it was possible, their business was doing well), but after i got a scholarship, they blew the "college fund" on a big old trip to New Zealand (from California), which they took during my first semester of college. I only later figured out the connection when in my senior year they started bouncing checks to me. Masters of short term gratification, my parents.
This is horrible. My Mom did the same to me when I got upset at finding out that her Mother (my grandmother) had been alive my entire childhood and I didn’t find out until she died when I was 16. She wasn’t going to tell me any of this, I just happened to be standing next to her when she got a call about a class action lawsuit related to her ashes being dumped in the trash by the institution she had been in for years. I have what I now have come to realize is a very normal reaction of being shocked, surprised, and a confused, and having more questions. She shut me down REAL quick, screaming and beginning to cry. At that point I knew better than to push. I knew I was not going to win. I don’t remember exactly what I did after that, but I know that it profoundly affected our future conversations and me not bothering to try ever again, as well as any trust I might have had left.
You described my mom perfectly. The confidential boundary. She would overshare things about my sister and i for her entertainment. She still does and then when i had kids shed do it with them so i stopped telling her about my kids and limited visits. She still makes joked how she tricked me during Christmas (3 times) where i wanted somwthing really bad and Christmas would be over and i didn't get it and then she's so clever she xyz and how surprised i was...bit i wasnt and didt think it was funny. By that time i had already accepted i wasnt getting it while everyone else including my sister got what they wanted. Only happened with me . The butt of jokes i guess. I have noticed i have all the traits that show up in adulthood
I went through the foster/adoption system as a young child. This included alot of toxic people on all sides. I’ve had phone calls listened in, every detail I’ve said shared, and then years of boundary crossing with no privacy and every detail being shared and publicly shamed by the people who adopted me.
To this day I don’t like to talk on the phone in public and will try to keep conversations in public down because I don’t like being over heard and I’m very paranoid when my name comes up.
Shits rough, and I regularly go through anti social phases because I just can’t deal with the paranoia.
It is so easy to relate to you,Patrick!Love and healing to all survivors!
In school all day, at my PT job all evening, went to my room to collapse, and there is my mother in MY bed reading. Had a surprised look on my face, and she started telling me off.
I could write for hours on the boundaries that have been broken countless times in my life. You have underlined how traumatic my life was growing up. The boundaries that were given to me were, if you talk, I will kill. I don’t want to see you unless I call you. Speak only when spoken to and do everything I say and not as I do. I had to do as I was told as I was threatened that I would be sent to a far worse place. I’m turning 60 in a few weeks and this is still controlling my life. I’ve had numerous therapists and tried different treatments and I’ve even been sacked by one. I’m going back yet again to therapy. We will see how it goes. Thank you. May you please take care and stay safe. Louisa. 👏👏👏❤️❤️❤️🤩🤩🤩
Thank you Patrick ❤ A lot of lightbulb moments while watching this one, you really articulate these issues in a way that only someone who has experienced it first hand could. I especially appreciate the healthy examples alongside the dysfunctional ones, gives a deeper understanding of the contrast between how my parents could have handled things and how they actually did.
This!
Ugh, this is painfully familiar. While my mother wasn't an alcoholic, she was a narcissist and thought she was entitled to any money I made, because, "This is my house!!"
Thank you for this video. I've been looking for more resources as a trauma survivor and a parent. I question whether every decision I make will negatively or positively impact my kids. Your expertise has helped a lot in understanding my childhood and well-being.
You're doing great!
I’ve cried alone in my car on my way home from work listening to some of these videos and how they relate to my experience. I’m so scared of my trauma responses infecting my little one. He is just so smart and sensitive. I’m very thankful for your work Patrick.
5:30 - "if you write an A, we will go to xyz!" after getting an A: "I never said that. Go do your chores."
I was a therapist for my mother and my father when they divorced and continued to be such for a long time. Neither can regulate their emotions and always turn to me to help them. And that’s not even breaking off the tip of the iceberg.
29:00 me refusing to join the local figure skating club even though i've been skating for like 7 years bc im afraid of group think 😂
I got emotional when you said “you have the right to say no”
the irony of being a class of 2020 kid "prom is a universal senior year experience" lmao nope
This is giving me the thought to ask my counselor about finding a good balance of how much of my own emotion and history to share with my young kid. I am aware of the need to view her as a real human person, and not my possession, and to not make her into my therapist. But I don’t want to shut her out fully. There were no healthy discussions of this kind in my childhood, so I lack models. Thanks for highlighting these concepts.
Not being able to mix with certain friends after a while and no explanation, that was my childhood and teenage years..... My parents went into my apartment when I was away, read my journal and I decided never to give them a key to my house in the future. Geez, I can't believe how many boundaries were crossed by my parents...... Also, the your here for me was my parents, they know better now but my mother in law doesn't 😑 I wasn't supposed to have my own beliefs, if I did, they were sabotaged. Just like many of my friendships. Terrible.
Mom was the less-bad parent in most ways, but boy did she love to gossip about me and my brother. She would share every embarrasing story, medical issue or school trouble we had with her friends, husband, sisters, relatives, co-workers, hairdresser, and some lady she met in line at the bank. She complains that we aren't more close and that I don't share more about my life with her, but everything I tell her ends up being front page news to this day. I only tell her things that I'm comfortable with everyone knowing.
My mother had one job to do for my wedding. Pick up my dress and veil the day before and bring to her house where I would get dressed.
She called me from the store because they were charging an additional $5 to press the veil and she wanted to be reimbursed or she would leave it at the store. What?
I asked WHAT? in an incredulous tone of voice both for the $5 charge (like I hadn't spent enough?) and the fact that mother was deliberately making unnecessary trouble and causing a scene at the store. This was before cellphones so she was using the store phone to scream at me that I was not to scream at her.
OMG 🙄
THANK YOU 🎉you are the FIRST Counselor to talk about violating a child’s dignity. My mother would “bad mouth” me in front of me while Coffee ☕️ Klatching with her friends. I felt angry & embarrassed even at 4 or,5 years old. As I got older I asked her about it & she replied “oh you are always way too sensitive”
Damn it, if they didn't all hit close to home in some way :,( Thank you so much, this is a very valuable resource. Keep up the good work!
I was wondering if you have a video on how to cope with your parents not remembering what they did to you, or remember your childhood differently. It is extremely frustrating and I’m having a hard time finding information on how to cope with that specifically online
I second this.
Your videos feel like they are talking to and about me. Directly. It's like you are talking about my mom and no one else. Your personal stories feel like they were pulled from my brain.
One of my parents' favorite "joke" and control tactic was telling me they've set cameras in the house and they know what I'm doing. I still can't convince myself that was just a lie, I don't have any means of knowing if it was. But I just remembered when you mentioned the journaling and feeling like somebody will read. They never (to my knowledge) went through my journals, and surely not through my phone, but I do still have that fear, because there was always a part of me scared that a camera was catching all that I was doing and writing. Damn.
You don't know how affirming it is to me to hear you acknowledge trans and gay people 🥰
I grew up in the 1970s, and the 7 days a week, family 5:30pm meal was mandatory and excruciating. One time, my father looked at my sister and asked," What is that big spot on your forehead?" My sister was 14 with very bad acne. It was like our flaws were glorified, and our successes were made fun of and minimized. All through my adult life. I cringed at my family get-togethers. I never knew how to cope 37:03 with the insults and barbs.
Thank you Patrick. My personhood was so so run over so so early in life. Hoping God will give me insight and strength 💙👊🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻