I'm in therapy, right now, dealing with that exact thinking. I was born premature & was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. The CP is considered mild, but a parent blamed me for the diagnosis. At age 14, this parent actually told me that I ruined everything when I was born. "I chose" to have CP. I had CP because I was carrying the family curse. The shame-based self talk I still experience is huge. I am 55 & still dealing with this parents words.
I always walk around and say things like “sorry for disturbing” or “excuse me” or “I’m sorry” even when there is absolutely no reason for me to say it. And then I get ashamed for my unreasonable shame, and thinking I must come across like the most insecure person in the world😟 I behave like I’m ashamed all the time and have to apologize for even existing. I hate being like that and I don’t want to be that way 😔
Well put. I recently changed my phone wallpaper to say “I am human - wants, needs, desires”. I need to consciously look at it and remind myself that I am “allowed” to have basic human needs.
Ye, that deeply shamed me- I knew they could turn it off in public, do therefore somehow had to be about me not being able to prevent it. Psych- education shame of the therapists who don’t bother their hats do a bit of this- nada.
Overconfident but incompetent father and emotionally unavailable mom but who always spoke passive aggressively. More I grow up, the more I see how bad of a person they are, tbh... Mean for no reason...
I hate childhood. I hated it then, I hate it now. I'm learning about CPTSD, multigenerational narcissistic abuse, on and on. I "understand" so much more. About time, I'm 74. The endless shaming, physical and emotional abuse, on and on. I refused to pass it on, I refused to have kids, and made that decision as a 10 year old. There's more. Shame is toxic. It was fatal, for my brother.
That’s really sad and I’m sorry your childhood was crappy, my heart goes out to you and your brother. My childhood looked good on paper but it was quietly (and in other ways, not so subtly) traumatising. I also refused to have kids (decided that at 3!).
I think one of the biggest sources of shame for me is probably just… having needs. That I have needs and may have to set boundaries to respect them, or ask for things, or say no to things, or that my needs will in any way affect other people. Basically, taking up space in anyone’s life in any way that doesn’t directly coincide not just with everything they need, but also everything they WANT in their lives or want me to be, is a HUGE source of guilt and shame. I always feel guilty when I can’t do things, and often violate my boundaries in order to meet other people’s needs AND wants, because somewhere down the line I learned that they’re just inherently more important than I am. Everyone is.
Thanks so much everyone. I’m sorry you all identify with this. Though I can hardly be surprised… the struggle is indeed real, as one of you said… at the very least, it’s so nice to know we’re not alone.🩷🫂 I think one of the biggest challenges for me that I’m trying to learn how to overcome is not immediately INTERNALLY shutting down every authentic thought, emotion, or sensation I have with the many parts of me that try to protect me from getting hurt again by being myself (critic comes in to criticize me and shoot me down so I don’t try anything and then get criticized; the part of me that’s afraid I’ll mess up and people will be angry with me comes in to tell me I don’t know what I’m doing so I won’t have confidence to try; apathy comes in to protect me from hope and therefore disappointment; dissociation comes in to protect me from being ridiculed for being “too sensitive” by telling me I don’t really feel my emotions and distracting me with numbness, etc, etc). Even before other people can see me and react, I can’t even take up space as myself within my own body when I’m in a room completely alone… everything is off limits (though I’m sure aspects of my living situation feed greatly into this issue). I’m starting slowly by trying to connect to my body without focusing on the story so much first. Trying to follow biological survival-based impulses; small ones that are inconsequential (needing to pee, needing to eat, needing to stop eating, warming myself when I’m cold, etc). Starting listening to your system in very small ways helps the nervous system start to feel a little bit safer with yourself because someone (you) is finally paying attention to its signals for help. It’s a very gentle way to start trying to honour your body and the space you take up in the world without necessarily feeling like you have to step up to the big interpersonal challenges right away. Creating an internal sense of safety is very important, and I’m sure this is a step in the right direction when it comes to mending such deep seated and all-encompassing shame like this kind we’re all struggling with. It’s so important to learn how to re-regulate the nervous system as much as we can. Just a thought, anyways. Not sure if it’ll resonate with anyone, but I thought I’d share. :)
What you said here captured some of my experience so deeply. Thank you for sharing. It's really helpful to me to see how one could put these things into words and you have helped me hear/find/feel words for myself.
@@dxfifa I agree to an extent, but the fact is C-PTSD can also be alleviated (mileage certainly varies, though) so I’d prefer to be encouraging to others with trauma. I’ve been in therapy for about 4 years (and this isn’t my first therapy rodeo, just the only person I actually stuck with long term as an adult) and will say while I’m a work in progress, I’m a LOT better than when I started. Hopefully next year I’ll be ready to fly solo, because they’re retiring.
@@ShintogaDeathAngel maybe ask your therapist if you can stay in touch via email aftet retirement. An email every few months for support or simply to vent is not much to ask for, considering how much effort and money you put forth, just an idea.
This really resonates with me as an autistic person. Always feel like I'm not "human in the right way" or "doing life/human existence right." I feel tremendous shame about my "other-ness" and disability.
I have always felt ashamed of making mistakes and not being "normal" enough. My third-grade teacher told my Mom that I was alarmingly afraid to make mistakes. Boy, did I get in trouble for that! Thanks for this video, it is helpful!
@@michellepratico Yeah, it really wasn't about me. Revealing I was not okay got my parents in trouble, which she couldn't handle. I got really good at masking and fawning.
Shame for me tends to keep me from succeeding in all aspects of life. It’s like a stain that you can’t hide, you feel everyone is looking at it and judging you for it.
I've struggled the most with being a late bloomer and comparing myself to others. Then the feeling that I'm always in trouble for some reason. Right now I started a new job and I'm doing really well, the salary is much better, etc. but I feel like I could lose it at any minute, that I'm just waiting for something bad to happen. The constant hypervigiliance is exhausting.
I have similar experience, only I've been with the company almost 4 years and have had multiple promotions with raises but I still dread every day, feeling like I will be fired any minute. It's hindering my finances since I can only handle working 20 or so hours because there are more opportunities for me to fail if I'm working a lot. In reality we are both probably doing a good job and have nothing to worry about. but I can tell myself all day that I'm okay but it means nothing when every cell in my body tells me I'm in trouble. Exhausting way to live 🥴
Oh my gosh. Thank you for sharing this. Dealing with the same. I got a new job over the summer. I think I'm actually doing really well, but I'm *convinced* my boss is right on the verge of firing me or that she's just wishing I would quit so she can get someone better. It's so exhausting and keeps me constantly on edge.
I have been at my job for almost seven years. I had two promotions and yearly increases that doubled my salary. Every day, I struggle with the idea that my management will fire me tomorrow. My negative headspace really affects my productivity (thankfully, not every day) and ruined a few relationships :-( Like you said, it's exhausting
Shame to me is feeling inherently unworthy and not good enough. As if I dont deserve to exist or take up space. I have CPTSD, and it is debilitating for me.
It is hard for me to accept that people care about me; I have this strict notion that if my family does not care about me, then I do not deserve to be cared about by anyone else. That is a dangerous place to be. Recently, a person called me and expressed kind feelings of appreciation towards me. I struggle to feel worthy and am trying to be open to people outside of the DNA. "family." Sometimes I think DNA really means Do Not Associate.
I have learned that even a positive experience can turn into a shame inducing event. When I received my graduate degree, they did not show up and celebrate with me. I did not exist. A few months later, my mother gave me a book titled "What to do with a Useless Degree," so even my success was shameful.
That's devastating. You should be very proud of your graduate degree! You are an expert in your arena, and you have the evidence to prove it. This is a shot in the dark, but I bet your mom doesn't have a graduate degree. If you made me guess, I'd bet she doesn't even have any degree! She's clearly responding to her own feelings about her own shortcomings. Unbelievably immature of your mother to do that. Projection much ma?
@@susansourby5234 I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope you understand that you are not alone in your experience with this situation of yours as pertaining to not being seen as important enough for others to be apart of your graduation. I experienced this exact situation and I just wanted you to know I understand what it feels like. I see you ❤️ keep moving forward
It's so hard to get over this. I feel it constantly. I feel like I'm always a failure, so I don't bother trying. Then I feel even worse because I stay stuck in an endless loop.
Late bloomer here. I 100% agree that being a late bloomer has made me so much layered and well rounded. I spent this whole year emptying my pockets and reclaiming my youth 🙃.
I can see the reason I cried over help getting to the store is because I always wanted to be independent of needing any help. And it was my son that I asked for help, and his response was " of course, let's do it." So loving. Receiving love also makes me cry sometimes cuz I feel so undeserving of it 😢. So glad to finally be getting the help I need. Thanks Patrick ❤
My biggest source of shame is feeling like I've never really been loved by another person in a deep fundamental way. Whether that be a parent, best friend, or lover. I've always felt like there was something inherently wrong with me and that's why I could never get that experience. And throughout my life I've witnessed so many people around me getting to have that experience and talk about how grateful they are for that. I've had experiences where I thought I was getting close to achieving it and the people in my life then abandoned me. I know my inner radar for choosing healthy people was very wrong and that's a big reason why I would be abandoned. Now I feel a deep sense of trauma with abandonment which really only makes the problem worse. It's hard to grow a happy baseline alone when I yearn so deeply for that kind of human connection that I've missed my entire life. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it, and I wouldn't be surprised if I'm still struggling well into my middle age. It's so disheartening.
I feel this so much as well 😔 I hate to admit to myself that I’m slowly coming to a realisation that towards me there would be no unconditional and/or deep love that I feel about others often. I hate living with that feeling since for so long it gave me so much hope. That there would be some people that love me for me, that are just happy to be around me just as much as I’m happy to be around them. This hope even gave me tons of additional energy to work on my career, my social skills, my life in general to add external value to my inherent inner one. It even worked and so much things about my life actually improved. And that still didn’t help bro. It’s still as cold and as lonely as it was in childhood and teenage years. You still get abandoned, your hopes still get crushed like it’s nothing, like it’s trash. And you still feel stupid, you still feel this shame, you still feel like an idiot for believing that it’s finally happening
I find the long-form videos both profound learning experiences, time of deep recognition, and healing validation. I recommend Patrick Teahan to anyone struggling
I'd also like to say that what you've said in your videos is important, that it's important to do inner child exercises such as those on your website improve a a sense of self and inner, emotional and functional responses to triggers and conflict. I know this because I haven't done them.
I have shame that I’m not a good mom because I’m still healing from my childhood trauma. I feel shame that I’m repeating the same toxic traits of my parents. I’m a lot better than I was because I’m doing the internal work but I feel shame that I’ve already done damage that can’t be undone and I’ve caused trauma to my child.
Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. I needed to know I'm not alone. I struggle with this to the point of suicidal ideation. I don't know how to live with myself- It eats me alive. I haven't heard another person admit to experiencing the same feelings. Everyone denies the reality when I mention it and ironically continues to use my child to try and shame me into "functionality" when I'm struggling with the outcome of childhood. Somethings gotta give.
as someone who grew up with toxic parents and as someone whose had to cut off both parents bc no matter how many times I bring up my grievances with them, they refuse to apologize or acknowledge the hurt, you are a far better mom than most. the fact that you can recognize it and want to do better says so much about you. ❤
I 1000% relate to this. I was my worst mentally when my daughter was around 3, and I still can't forgive myself for it. She's 14 now, and we have a really good relationship. I work every day to be the best parent I can be and give her the things I didn't get. She trusts me and I can tell by how open she is with me (especially for a teenager). Not all is lost. Kids really don't need perfection, they just need connection and to feel like their parent at least values them enough to try to be better. I know it would have meant everything to me if my dad were to have just apologized and took accountability.
Shame is what I learned to feel as a child when faced with the choice of blaming myself for a lack of love, protection, and encouragement and blaming the family system. There was so much of it that my younger self wanted to put on himself because he didn't see his parents taking in enough shame. (I'll feel this shame because you aren't going to, you're oblivious, and I'll be a better person if I shame myself enough so I don't turn out like you). Shame is a cold sweat on the lower back, a confusing warmth on the back of the neck, this narrowing of all value of our self directed at a single negative outcome: I am worthless because I do not have what I have been taught I must have to be lovable. I don't have this job, I don't have this grade, I don't have this partner, I don't have this power to be free from my oppressors. I can't find a better place, a better home.
The not having children for fear of inflicting the same pain on them was for sure my thing. My the time I was ready, somehow nature kept saying no...I wish I had been healed sooner
Same here. 👍 I didn’t want to have kids because I didn’t want them to have the same kind of childhood I did. I was 46 when I married for the first time, and he was the only man I’d been with that I would have had kids with. Oh well…
I always thought I would and from 19+ I know I musnt... I know child issues would trigger me into my own childhood issues and there's just too many of them, better to keep that non touched. Old wounds need to heal, not get salt and vinegar on constantly. But greatest worry is not to ever hurt another small human being, even accidentally. From over much of empathy, not from shame... I'd die of guilt éven for a small flawed thing because I don't want to be the one who hurts or the one who is becoming the one who hurts 😩
I’ve been so so so ashamed most of my life. I never even dared to try anything. I reacted out my self hatred and insecurities and wasted my life. Now fifty and doing much better but still without a relationship or a job on a level that would fit me. Getting over the regret of letting myself be so hammered down was and still often is the hardest part of all of this.
The not deserving to exist is spot on. You can start going down this road, and it quickly spirals out of control. The voice in your head pretty much torments you day and night…
Feeling good or even "worse" doing something actively, that makes me feel good, activates a lot of shame in me. Sharing a good feeling with another person, talking about it, showing it openly, is still one of the worst shame activating events.
Same. when I play a kid's game and I'm doing nothing in my room. I think it's a coling mechanism but once I notice it I feel like quitting really bad... I lose motivation for happy things but also complicated things like artworks or homeworks.
I go over conversations and remember with such shame certain things I said. I think, “That sounded so stupid” or “That sounded awful/selfish/inconsiderate.” I do this less and less, but it’s still there. I am learning to get over it quicker by talking to myself with patience and love. And I sometimes do this wonderful thing that Patrick taught us and I love! I find my inner “Fuck that!”
Mel Robbins has a great video called "let them".. about letting people just do what they do instead of taking responsibility for everybody else's actions. It's really good.
#6 struck a cord in me so hard I actually cried a little. As a kid I remember my grandma saying my sibling and I were ten years underdeveloped, somehow it was our fault our mother neglected us which made us defective? Also my parents made me feel like a freak because I was an introvert instead of easily having friends like my sibling. I still struggle with these thoughts and it doesn’t help when my mom visits and criticizes every choice in my apartment. “What do you mean you don’t want a complete kitchen set?” I live by myself and Im content with my setup? Im more concerned with other things especially financially. :/ A coworker told me my inner voice is mostly my mom’s voice internalized. It really makes sense
Mom caused me to feel shame as a child because she came from a family that caused her to feel it too, so I feel it's been passed down for a few generations at least. I tried to not pass it down to my children, but I'm sure I did somewhat.
I pretty much failed at everything in life: my attempted career didn't work out, I'm unemployed, have no friends or partner, and still live with my father at my mom's taking care of her because of her dementia. I absolutely have an immense amount of shame.
Is there any chance you can "escape" a couple of hours a week !? Maybe go to the library, jump on a computer, and write away some of the worse frustration? A good beginner book about writing is Natalie Goldberg, "Writing down the bones." And as she says, you don't have to show anyone ! It helps clear the air a bit. Wishing you best of luck.
I am surprised how pervasive it is. Asking for help getting to the grocery store made me cry and feel bad about myself. I'm so thankful I'm learning to identify it.❤
Shame is feeling like you constantly fail at everything and you can’t figure out what is wrong with you that makes you incapable of succeeding no matter how hard you try.
Chapters: 0:00 Intro 2:00 What Is Shame? 2:31 What Is Shame? - Visual 4:13 Recaps About Shame 4:25 Recaps About Shame - Shame Or Guilt? 4:41 Recaps About Shame - Indirect & Direct Shame 5:09 Recaps About Shame - Full of Shame or Shameless? 5:54 Recaps About Shame - Shame as a Fixed Gravity/ Orbital Shame 7:10 Recaps About Shame - Shame Influences Everything 7:40 Recaps About Shame - Shame and Society Rules 8:24 Recaps About Shame - Shame Is a Big Umbrella Term 8:46 Recaps About Shame - Shame-Based Parent 9:20 The Opposite of Shame 9:30 The Opposite of Shame - Integrity 11:13 Everyday Examples of Shame 11:59 #1 "You too!" 13:56 #2 Bomb Jokes 15:48 #3 It's Personal 17:36 #4 Shame Is Contagious 19:36 #5 I Can't Be Like Them! 21:23 #6 Pressured Peers 24:48 #7 Enough Is Enough 27:46 #8 YES, IT'S SERIOUS! 29:41 #9 "I could never do THAT!" 32:31 How to Work on Shame 32:53 Runners Up 33:56 Final Thoughts 36:10 Outro
I have washed away a lot of the shame I did have. Self-compassion has been the balm to counter it. So much of my shame was actually me internalising things that OTHER people should have had shame about - their cruelty, them taking their stuff out on me, not seeing my needs, not meeting my needs, judging me unfairly, everything that has happened to the generations of my indigenous family through colonisation, social oppression, all the bigotry, phobias and -isms, invisibilisation that was smothering me. I didn't choose any of it. I also didn't choose the impacts it had on me. It's just not my shame to carry. I can choose to heal, be a good person, lift up myself and others. I definitely relate to the experience of healing - it being about integrity, dignity, humanity, owning my flaws and mistakes with humour. For me it's been very much about authenticity and safe connections too. (The specific joke thing really is a neurodivergent thing in my case, but I notice myself wanting to do it but then realising nobody will know what I'm talking about and I keep it to myself. I kind of love when others do it though, as I recognise their thinking and I love autistic deep interests and the joy it brings us. I always appreciate when you acknowledge us in among your audience).
I realized, in my 40s, that I have a habit of holding my breath when I’m around people (that is, when not alone). Actually, I hold it after I exhale. Like making myself smaller by having my lungs unfilled. It’s like I’m waiting for someone to notice that I’m doing something wrong, and I’m bracing against that. But I also feel like I can’t take up space with my breathing when I’m in smaller spaces around people. I have difficulty sleeping in the same bed with my partner, because I don’t want my breathing to bother him. I had a very flat tummy, because it was always in a tensed state! I still do it (age 63), but less intensely after finally noticing my habit & trying to practice breathing around people.
one of my biggest sources of shame is my appearance. my mother always criticized how i looked, that i didn’t try hard enough to be feminine, didn’t shave often enough, didn’t wear skirts or dresses, didn’t wear makeup. She would often say i’d be “so pretty, if only i would just try”. to this day, I struggle with what i wear, how i do my hair, if i look put together, etc. and am doing work to define what is feminine to ME, what beautiful is to ME, but wow progress isn’t a straight line.
In the wake of undiagnosed ADHD and possibly autism, failing to work in a consistent and daily way is a shame trigger. Well intentioned reminders from others and my past self are doubly triggering.
26:26 I am an artist and my mom put a piece of paper in front of me as a teenager and told me to prove I wasn’t “faking” my artwork because she couldn’t believe that I could do it. Everything was a competition and she always had to be ‘better’ and it drove her crazy. It’s so hard to this day to believe I’m a good enough artist and I always oddly enough believe I’m “faking it”. Your videos are so informative and really open my eyes and believe that there is hope in healing and that I am a real artist - so thank you!
Shame about not being perfect, or good enough, making a mistake, or not knowing how to do something immediately and well without being taught or having practice or experience. Fair or constructive criticism triggers shame. Way better than it used to be with work and years but still have to actively correct those automatic thoughts and feelings. Thanks for all you do!
Shame for me has been crippling in so many aspects of my life and it wasnt until I started watching your channel that I realized how deep the issue goes. Thank you for all your share.
Great video as always Patrick. I think you're the seminal therapist on dysfunctional family systems. I always feel seen here. Thanks for your great work. 🙏
I’m 33 and have never lived apart from my parents. C-ptsd and bipolar disorder have kept me in freeze mode almost my whole life. The few times I’ve managed to get a job and make progress over the years inevitably end within a year or so when I end up totally breaking down. Nothing I do is right, I’ll never be able to live on my own, I can’t drive and can’t function and I’m terrified how I’ll live once my parents inevitably pass and I don’t have a “stable” place to fall back on. Shame rules my life and no matter how much therapy I get it seems to never get better.
I have the right to make mistakes I don't have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present I'm letting go of relationships that require perfection Mistakes don't make me a mistake I commit to myself I'm on my side I refuse to trash myself I will turn shame back into blame and disgust and externalize it to anyone who shames my normal feelings. As long as I'm not hurting anyone I refuse to be shamed for normal emotional responses like anger, sadness, fear, depression. I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to completely eliminate the self hate habit I will not repetitively examine details over and over I will not jump to negative conclusions I will not endlessly second-guess myself I cannot change the past I forgive all past mistakes I cannot make the future perfectly safe I will stop hunting for what could go wrong I will not try to control the uncontrollable I will not micromamage myself or others Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt Sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway In the inevitable instances where I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make ammends and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over I will not accept unfair blame. I'm no longer a victim I refuse to attack myself, or abuse others I care for myself ❤️
My son died 3 years ago. I'm ashamed I didn't always put his well-being first, due to my neverending quest for love. And now I can't make it up to him.
I feel shame anytime I put myself first, even now I’m old and only have myself. It has gotten better in the second half of my adulthood… since going no contact. It’s still there. I can feel the comments made by so many people here as if I lived it myself. It’s such a lonely place. I started healing when I realized I need to take care of myself first before I can truly care for another.
Shame for me has to do with my weight. My mother commented on it almost every day and I still just totally feel huge, and not enough, because of my weight.
I would really appreciate learning more about how to parent an inner child when you dont have childhood memories or are disassociated from the feelings of those memories.
The transparent frog. That's me. I can spot another transparent frog at a hundred yards. Transparent frogs have no carapace, no armour to protect them. Their only protection is to hide, to remain unseen
I'm ashamed to use the word "trauma" or say that I went through trauma. I had a little t trauma. (I don't consider myself to have CPTSD but the trauma had intensely impacted me up until this year). The main source was that I was bullied by this one girl in my friend group of girls in a gaslighting and emotionally abusive way for 2 years (ages 12-14). I spent my full days and evenings with them on weekdays. But on top of that my parents are VERY dismissive. My dad's a dismissive avoidant and my mom's a fearful avoidant. They'll have a fight where they'll take things as a personal attack, get defensive, yell and escalate everything, then after a couple of days they'll act like it never happened and say they are happy together. I ask mom sometimes to try something to work on her issues, but she always insists that she has nothing to do with the fights. This weekend she said to me "I just don't get why you're upset about this 24 hours later. It has passed now." But then she also said "I'm still avoiding your dad," which is practically admitting that she's not over HER feelings, she's just over MY feelings. And I find it unbelievable that I hadn't noticed sooner how much of an impact that must have added. Especially because when I found out that I was bullied/abused by that friend 4 years later, after something like 3 months of talking about it with my mom, she said to me "I think you should just move on now." I'm almost 22 now and in the last couple of months for the first time I finally had an experience with 2 people where they did not dismiss me or brush me off when I explained my little t trauma. They were engaged, and they backed me up.
I feel a lot of shame when I realize everything I've done falling all over myself to not be inconsiderate has in fact caused more of an issue than if I just left it alone
1:21 ok; because you do so much hard work making these videos for us and I never comment, I’ll play along: one of my biggest sources of shame is my inability to bring financial income into the household. Thanks for the vids. 💜
I like Brené Browns studies around shame and the difference she makes between shame and guilt. Guilt being: I did a not so good thing that may need accountability, rectifying or apology and possibly bettering in the future. Shame being: I am inherently and absolutely not __ enough and therefore undeserving of love and connection (which can escalate up to feeling undeserving of being alive for being so rotten) Becomes tricky for kid growing up in a family where these are mixed. Where a glass of spilled water is treated as if the childs existance was an utter nuisance/burden/insufferable etc.
Saying “You too!” then instantly thinking “I can’t even pull off trying to SEEM like a normal person!” - Wow, this is a daily (sometimes hourly) experience for me. Related to that, I really struggle with doing things medium well and having balance in my life. It’s a mystery to me how other people do a good enough job at work and still leave on time and have lives outside of work. Or can enjoy creative hobbies without hyper focusing on their imperfections and the inevitable learning curve process. Or do a good enough job with housekeeping that you can have someone over And the house isn’t embarrassingly messy, nor is it perfectly tidy to the point that you’re up till dawn the night before cleaning every nook and cranny and cursing yourself for inviting people over and starting to despise the guests that you did invite over!!
I’d probably need a year to just go over this whole thing. My most hated words. Normal. Burden. Inconvenient. And the worst… Needy. All the shame is around the first set. And the accusation that I’m not normal and am a burden. Which makes me too needy. Yep. I dwelt on a razor edge of damned if I do and damned if I don’t. And mom’s confusion on why I just didn’t do everything perfectly because then we would never have had problems. I realize that it wasn’t worse cuz I was smart. And could hash out most things through trial and error. And also struggling in a world that I wasn’t allowed in and wasn’t welcome in because I was too needy and therefore had to basically ask for permission first for basics that kids accept theirs as normal. Such as my home. It really wasn’t. It was the place I was allowed to reside in… if. The occasionally stated there’s the door if you don’t like it. Me taking it one way. Mom saying she meant it differently and I never understood and always got it wrong.
Hi, Patrick and community. Background - I was heavily abused in childhood, physical, emotional, psychological. Fast-forward 40 years, I am injured at work following orders, so severely that I have deemed 100% disabled forever. My shame tells me I deserve this, that this is my punishment for trying and failing, failing myself, my family, my daughter. It has been 4 years, I am in counseling and groups, but this shame is so ingrained that I cannot escape it... As if the shame has attached itself to the physical destruction of my body and soul.
Thank you Patrick. I was a ritual scapegoat for religious abuse. The worthiness metrics were insane and backwards: giving up yourself instead of becoming yourself, transcending the body instead of living in the present… I’m so proud of myself for withstanding it and reclaiming my goodness. Much gratitude 🙏
I applied for a job recently. I felt ashamed right after I sent the CV. I was picturing the hr manager being disgusted and laughing at me because I dare to apply for the job.
Among other things, shame for me comes from tollerating the abuse without speaking up. A version of "you're too weak or afraid." It blends with imposter syndrome because I'm the friend who always has someone else's backs and encourages them to speak their truth.
Ive struggled with bpd for as long as i can remember and the main reason i dont want to have kids is because i cant stand the idea of anybody else dealing with the viceral hell that is being alone in my head with my thoughts and feelings. Ive always felt fundumentally flawed and the idea of watching my child struggle and suffer with something they cant explain or rationalize just rips me apart.
My biggest triggers come from gaslighters, especially if they are authority figures. I'm supposed to play along with a lie, and it's usually one that scapegoats me as the problem. Why do I find myself in this place, and what did I do to merit the label if I did nothing wrong and the other guy did? It's not even my shame to bear.
Shame is being born into high expectations rewarded by affection and attention that trained you into holding those high expectations for yourself. And now, even on the rare occasion that you meet them you raise them even higher so no matter what you do or achieve you can never feel like you deserve love, attention and affection.
My messiness and leaving stuff around is a big shame issue for me. My mom used to get mad at me when I would leave my toys out and be like "don't you care about these things??" And I did. I just had undiagnosed ADHD and PTSD (although she knew about the PTSD)
-not being able to live up to who I wanted to be -having bad "seasons" where I am not emotionally regulated, have bad stress management and coping strategies -being over-reactive and hard to be around -knowing better but not doing better -might reaction being fight over freeze, flight, or fawning (none are good, but fight is difficult for everyone) -binge eating junk food even when it makes me feel sick -blowing friendships up instead of figuring out conflicts -being truly much happier alone
Shame is when you BECOME the mistake or deficiency. Patrick, your talk about traditional vs matched grip really resonated with me as a musician. I'm working through changing some things in my technique that are forcing me to go back to basics, and it is a definite struggle not to let the mistakes become who I am. When I meditate or do EFT tapping, I'm trying to get the idea in my head that the mistakes can be my TEACHERS, not my labels, but with CPTSD, that is a real struggle.
feeling not good enough, never enough for partners. reacting to disappointments by feeling too disabled to take care of myself or reach for new opportunities. growing up socialized as a boy. having to correct people's assumptions about my life, not feeling trans enough or feminine enough. feeling that i was having to tolerate bullying growing up just to have friends. then realizing it was violent repression of my girlhood.
I'm ashamed of many things, and it's all like some complex mess of wires that I feel with every untangle I make yet another knot. I've been so absent in my own life that I find myself ashamed that I didn't bloom where I felt I should. I want to work towards happiness and balance but I find myself crying and so numb with nothing but shame. Shame for crying, shame for not being at my goals, shame for not working towards my goals but shame for trying and being bad. It's like the walls are closing in on me with every step but falter in crushing me due to what little will I am able to muster. As long as I have a little of this fight left, that means there is a place the shame couldn't reach, I believe. So that in itself is something, I hope.
Of all the comments I think I relate to this the most, like I'm in the same boat. As much as I don't always feel it, I still believe there's hope for us. I have no idea the path I'll take to get there but I like the idea of living my life the way I want and growing old
Shame is the dirty rag we childhood trauma survivors try to hide deep inside our souls. How could our own family not like us, find us repulsive, hate us, not care about us, not want us around, not want to help us when we are struggling, it was like we were worth nothing.
Shame is the feeling when someone tells you that you aren’t who you believe yourself to be. They challenge your sense of self, suggesting that you see life through a distorted filter-even when you believe you’re being objective. Not only are you not who you think you are, but you’re also incapable of seeing yourself clearly.
For the last four or so years I’ve been completely overcome by shame to the point that it’s impossible for me to connect to or effectively communicate with anyone. This is an excruciating way to live and I can’t tolerate it anymore. I have to prioritize healing above anything else.
It will become better, you can rise above it with time and healing. I have had the same experience, and eventually the shame lost grip on me... I realized I am human and make mistakes, and that I don't have to set up such hig standards for myself. Take care
I've been working on this most of my life. Still a work in progress as some weekends are painfully spent going back and forth in my brain. At age 61, I'm a confident and successful human being. Most of all proud of myself!
Shame for me is the pervasive idea that it's objectively, morally wrong not to despise yourself. That the times you're freely cruising along just being you, without mindfully hating yourself, are the times you're being the most loathsome. I was taught that ever being my authentic self was a deliberate antisocial act, and my ongoing desperate desire to be seen and accepted despite being unable to fix myself was the unassailable proof of my depravity. But they're dead now, so fuck 'em. 😊 They were wrong about me and yours were wrong about you.
As a CSA survivor, and as a female I used to feel slutshamed a lot. Our society in the Caucasus is very patriarchal and the family ties can really be important. I'll bring an example: My uncle wouldn't talk to me in years because I had my nose pierced when I was 17. Because "people will think you're a slut". And of course, I felt in danger next to him. My mom is mentally unstable and has been very dependent on me emotionally. My dad would shame me because "I stressed my mom out" and he would rhetorically ask: "Are you planning to push her to her grave?". And of course, being from "an educated middle class family", I suffered a lot from the expectations projected on me by my parents and their friends. Now I'm 40 and I started creating content for my fansly account. IYKYK.
My shame is triggered when I feel that someone thinks I am selfish or have behaved selfishly. Not thinking of others emotions, needs, desires. I have a feeling that my adhd presented outwardly as narcissism when i was young, and i know my dad wanted to curb this 'selfishness' in me. It was from a place of love, and i appreciate his guidance. Other family members just assumed i was an overly self centered creature and a few of their comments have stuck with me through the years. Now as an adult i absolutely hate looking thoughtless, callous or not helpful/kind. As far as doing the opposite of 'them' as an adult, I am extremely chill. About everything. Running late? Been there, i get it. Didnt know what to say? Been there too, its all good. I dont care where we eat. I dont care where we go. I am a willow tree and i bend in the breeze. I am determined not to take things personally (not always successfully, and not always to my own benefit). Can anyone else relate?
Shame is feeling like you’re just so flawed that you don’t deserve to exist.
Good way to put it.
I'm in therapy, right now, dealing with that exact thinking.
I was born premature & was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. The CP is considered mild, but a parent blamed me for the diagnosis. At age 14, this parent actually told me that I ruined everything when I was born. "I chose" to have CP. I had CP because I was carrying the family curse.
The shame-based self talk I still experience is huge. I am 55 & still dealing with this parents words.
I always walk around and say things like “sorry for disturbing” or “excuse me” or “I’m sorry” even when there is absolutely no reason for me to say it. And then I get ashamed for my unreasonable shame, and thinking I must come across like the most insecure person in the world😟 I behave like I’m ashamed all the time and have to apologize for even existing. I hate being like that and I don’t want to be that way 😔
Well put. I recently changed my phone wallpaper to say “I am human - wants, needs, desires”. I need to consciously look at it and remind myself that I am “allowed” to have basic human needs.
@@michellepratico😢
Shame is running away and hiding yourself so no one can judge you
That's how it feels
So true@@jclyntoledo
Shame is over-analyzing every little detail surrounding oneself in order to appease an invisible presence lying in wait of your next mistake.
That is a brilliant way to put it.
YES!
This is so beautifully said.
IMO it's trying to do what it takes to maintain attachment.
@@cairosilver2932 yes, I believe it contributes to hyper vigilance, which is definitely something I’ve been prone to.
Shame is feeling that you don’t deserve to be loved unless you’re perfect.
Not even perfect. Just at se certain level whatever we feel is “ good enough “ .
Or competing to be see
Shame is feeling responsible for the whole situation
Yes. Responsible for the whole situation
...when I had no power or choice in the situation, most of the time, I even there for the situation
Exactly
Yes!! And it's not yours to begin with
yes!!
Shame is not being able to stand up for yourself and your reality.
Seeing the mask that my parents would wear in public versus how they were behind closed doors was a source of shame. Feeling trapped in their lie.
Ye, that deeply shamed me- I knew they could turn it off in public, do therefore somehow had to be about me not being able to prevent it.
Psych- education shame of the therapists who don’t bother their hats do a bit of this- nada.
Overconfident but incompetent father and emotionally unavailable mom but who always spoke passive aggressively. More I grow up, the more I see how bad of a person they are, tbh... Mean for no reason...
Omg same
What makes me feel shame: having any need that I can’t fulfill alone
I hate childhood. I hated it then, I hate it now. I'm learning about CPTSD, multigenerational narcissistic abuse, on and on. I "understand" so much more. About time, I'm 74. The endless shaming, physical and emotional abuse, on and on. I refused to pass it on, I refused to have kids, and made that decision as a 10 year old.
There's more. Shame is toxic. It was fatal, for my brother.
😢
😢
😢
I’m so sorry you endured that. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray for your remaining years to be peaceful
That’s really sad and I’m sorry your childhood was crappy, my heart goes out to you and your brother. My childhood looked good on paper but it was quietly (and in other ways, not so subtly) traumatising. I also refused to have kids (decided that at 3!).
Shame is believing that every situation would be better without you involved. You will only make things worse for everyone by being there.
I just stopped showing up. Because we had nothing to talk about.
I think one of the biggest sources of shame for me is probably just… having needs. That I have needs and may have to set boundaries to respect them, or ask for things, or say no to things, or that my needs will in any way affect other people. Basically, taking up space in anyone’s life in any way that doesn’t directly coincide not just with everything they need, but also everything they WANT in their lives or want me to be, is a HUGE source of guilt and shame.
I always feel guilty when I can’t do things, and often violate my boundaries in order to meet other people’s needs AND wants, because somewhere down the line I learned that they’re just inherently more important than I am. Everyone is.
Thank you for putting this into words. This describes what happened inside me, too. I'm so sorry for all that you went through.
Perfectly said. The struggle is real.
I feel this too 🙃 I often feel like I don’t know how to take up space
Thanks so much everyone. I’m sorry you all identify with this. Though I can hardly be surprised… the struggle is indeed real, as one of you said… at the very least, it’s so nice to know we’re not alone.🩷🫂
I think one of the biggest challenges for me that I’m trying to learn how to overcome is not immediately INTERNALLY shutting down every authentic thought, emotion, or sensation I have with the many parts of me that try to protect me from getting hurt again by being myself (critic comes in to criticize me and shoot me down so I don’t try anything and then get criticized; the part of me that’s afraid I’ll mess up and people will be angry with me comes in to tell me I don’t know what I’m doing so I won’t have confidence to try; apathy comes in to protect me from hope and therefore disappointment; dissociation comes in to protect me from being ridiculed for being “too sensitive” by telling me I don’t really feel my emotions and distracting me with numbness, etc, etc). Even before other people can see me and react, I can’t even take up space as myself within my own body when I’m in a room completely alone… everything is off limits (though I’m sure aspects of my living situation feed greatly into this issue).
I’m starting slowly by trying to connect to my body without focusing on the story so much first. Trying to follow biological survival-based impulses; small ones that are inconsequential (needing to pee, needing to eat, needing to stop eating, warming myself when I’m cold, etc). Starting listening to your system in very small ways helps the nervous system start to feel a little bit safer with yourself because someone (you) is finally paying attention to its signals for help. It’s a very gentle way to start trying to honour your body and the space you take up in the world without necessarily feeling like you have to step up to the big interpersonal challenges right away. Creating an internal sense of safety is very important, and I’m sure this is a step in the right direction when it comes to mending such deep seated and all-encompassing shame like this kind we’re all struggling with. It’s so important to learn how to re-regulate the nervous system as much as we can.
Just a thought, anyways. Not sure if it’ll resonate with anyone, but I thought I’d share. :)
What you said here captured some of my experience so deeply. Thank you for sharing. It's really helpful to me to see how one could put these things into words and you have helped me hear/find/feel words for myself.
The tale of the "Late Bloomer" is just like the story of the tortoise and the hare. Slow and steady wins the race, guys. You got this.
Late bloomers unite❣️
This is cope, CPTSD is a lifelong disability, not starting slow. almost all will never catch the non traumatised people with the same talents
@@dxfifa I agree to an extent, but the fact is C-PTSD can also be alleviated (mileage certainly varies, though) so I’d prefer to be encouraging to others with trauma. I’ve been in therapy for about 4 years (and this isn’t my first therapy rodeo, just the only person I actually stuck with long term as an adult) and will say while I’m a work in progress, I’m a LOT better than when I started. Hopefully next year I’ll be ready to fly solo, because they’re retiring.
@@ShintogaDeathAngel maybe ask your therapist if you can stay in touch via email aftet retirement. An email every few months for support or simply to vent is not much to ask for, considering how much effort and money you put forth, just an idea.
I actually love that term
for me shame is that feeling of "I'm failing at being a normal human being".. it kinda doesn't matter what I accomplished or not, it's always there
This really resonates with me as an autistic person. Always feel like I'm not "human in the right way" or "doing life/human existence right."
I feel tremendous shame about my "other-ness" and disability.
That's what I call low grade shame, the one that is constantly there waiting to be triggered but can still be felt in low doses 😭😭
@@jclyntoledo I think 'insidious' catches it quite well. Insidious existential shame.
Well said.
I have always felt ashamed of making mistakes and not being "normal" enough. My third-grade teacher told my Mom that I was alarmingly afraid to make mistakes. Boy, did I get in trouble for that! Thanks for this video, it is helpful!
Aw, geez! Yeah, that will help you not be afraid.
That's terrible
@@michellepratico Yeah, it really wasn't about me. Revealing I was not okay got my parents in trouble, which she couldn't handle. I got really good at masking and fawning.
@@tiaharrison2802 yeah, same here! I have cerebral palsy. For most of my life I tried to not have CP. It doesn't work that way. It was never about us.
Societies standards are NOT benchmarks to our worthiness. I needed to hear that!
Shame for me tends to keep me from succeeding in all aspects of life. It’s like a stain that you can’t hide, you feel everyone is looking at it and judging you for it.
I've struggled the most with being a late bloomer and comparing myself to others. Then the feeling that I'm always in trouble for some reason. Right now I started a new job and I'm doing really well, the salary is much better, etc. but I feel like I could lose it at any minute, that I'm just waiting for something bad to happen. The constant hypervigiliance is exhausting.
I have similar experience, only I've been with the company almost 4 years and have had multiple promotions with raises but I still dread every day, feeling like I will be fired any minute. It's hindering my finances since I can only handle working 20 or so hours because there are more opportunities for me to fail if I'm working a lot.
In reality we are both probably doing a good job and have nothing to worry about. but I can tell myself all day that I'm okay but it means nothing when every cell in my body tells me I'm in trouble.
Exhausting way to live 🥴
Oh my gosh. Thank you for sharing this. Dealing with the same. I got a new job over the summer. I think I'm actually doing really well, but I'm *convinced* my boss is right on the verge of firing me or that she's just wishing I would quit so she can get someone better. It's so exhausting and keeps me constantly on edge.
I have been at my job for almost seven years. I had two promotions and yearly increases that doubled my salary. Every day, I struggle with the idea that my management will fire me tomorrow. My negative headspace really affects my productivity (thankfully, not every day) and ruined a few relationships :-( Like you said, it's exhausting
But sometimes its the other person that set us up to fail said relationships too in some way
..say things out of pocket ...@fabulouslife4646
Exactly the same here. It’s torturous
Shame to me is feeling inherently unworthy and not good enough. As if I dont deserve to exist or take up space. I have CPTSD, and it is debilitating for me.
It is hard for me to accept that people care about me; I have this strict notion that if my family does not care about me, then I do not deserve to be cared about by anyone else. That is a dangerous place to be. Recently, a person called me and expressed kind feelings of appreciation towards me. I struggle to feel worthy and am trying to be open to people outside of the DNA. "family." Sometimes I think DNA really means Do Not Associate.
I have learned that even a positive experience can turn into a shame inducing event. When I received my graduate degree, they did not show up and celebrate with me. I did not exist. A few months later, my mother gave me a book titled "What to do with a Useless Degree," so even my success was shameful.
Oh my god. She doesn't deserve you. Hope you can find more loving, supportive chosen family
It's hard to breathe reading that. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
That's devastating.
You should be very proud of your graduate degree! You are an expert in your arena, and you have the evidence to prove it.
This is a shot in the dark, but I bet your mom doesn't have a graduate degree. If you made me guess, I'd bet she doesn't even have any degree!
She's clearly responding to her own feelings about her own shortcomings.
Unbelievably immature of your mother to do that. Projection much ma?
@@susansourby5234 I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope you understand that you are not alone in your experience with this situation of yours as pertaining to not being seen as important enough for others to be apart of your graduation. I experienced this exact situation and I just wanted you to know I understand what it feels like. I see you ❤️ keep moving forward
Ditto
The way my parents would gush over other children, praise their accomplishments and even parent them at times while ignoring me in all those ways…
That was simply horrible. Ignoring your own child while being nice to some random kid is a real low-life parent.
I’m with you on that. I had it in my childhood too. xx
@@mindkindmom yep
Shame is feeling overwhelmed in and after social situations.
Questing everything you said or did after the fact
It's so hard to get over this. I feel it constantly. I feel like I'm always a failure, so I don't bother trying. Then I feel even worse because I stay stuck in an endless loop.
1:39 - I feel shame when I make a mistake. I also feel it when I eat in front of others.
Late bloomer here. I 100% agree that being a late bloomer has made me so much layered and well rounded. I spent this whole year emptying my pockets and reclaiming my youth 🙃.
it's really a great thing
I can see the reason I cried over help getting to the store is because I always wanted to be independent of needing any help. And it was my son that I asked for help, and his response was " of course, let's do it." So loving. Receiving love also makes me cry sometimes cuz I feel so undeserving of it 😢. So glad to finally be getting the help I need. Thanks Patrick ❤
My biggest source of shame is feeling like I've never really been loved by another person in a deep fundamental way. Whether that be a parent, best friend, or lover. I've always felt like there was something inherently wrong with me and that's why I could never get that experience. And throughout my life I've witnessed so many people around me getting to have that experience and talk about how grateful they are for that. I've had experiences where I thought I was getting close to achieving it and the people in my life then abandoned me. I know my inner radar for choosing healthy people was very wrong and that's a big reason why I would be abandoned. Now I feel a deep sense of trauma with abandonment which really only makes the problem worse. It's hard to grow a happy baseline alone when I yearn so deeply for that kind of human connection that I've missed my entire life. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it, and I wouldn't be surprised if I'm still struggling well into my middle age. It's so disheartening.
I feel this so much as well 😔 I hate to admit to myself that I’m slowly coming to a realisation that towards me there would be no unconditional and/or deep love that I feel about others often. I hate living with that feeling since for so long it gave me so much hope. That there would be some people that love me for me, that are just happy to be around me just as much as I’m happy to be around them. This hope even gave me tons of additional energy to work on my career, my social skills, my life in general to add external value to my inherent inner one. It even worked and so much things about my life actually improved. And that still didn’t help bro. It’s still as cold and as lonely as it was in childhood and teenage years. You still get abandoned, your hopes still get crushed like it’s nothing, like it’s trash. And you still feel stupid, you still feel this shame, you still feel like an idiot for believing that it’s finally happening
Patrick. I hope therapists all over the world listen to you.
Shame is feeling like you've failed in regards to a goal. Whether that goal be created by someone else or yourself
Making any mistake, failing, trusting someone who let me or others down
I find the long-form videos both profound learning experiences, time of deep recognition, and healing validation. I recommend Patrick Teahan to anyone struggling
Thank you so much!
It's all true Patrick.
I'd also like to say that what you've said in your videos is important, that it's important to do inner child exercises such as those on your website improve a a sense of self and inner, emotional and functional responses to triggers and conflict. I know this because I haven't done them.
I have shame that I’m not a good mom because I’m still healing from my childhood trauma. I feel shame that I’m repeating the same toxic traits of my parents. I’m a lot better than I was because I’m doing the internal work but I feel shame that I’ve already done damage that can’t be undone and I’ve caused trauma to my child.
What more can a child ask for, a mother that is healing the best she can.
Thank you so so much for sharing this, I feel exactly the same. You can't imagine how much your comment has helped me.
Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. I needed to know I'm not alone.
I struggle with this to the point of suicidal ideation. I don't know how to live with myself- It eats me alive. I haven't heard another person admit to experiencing the same feelings. Everyone denies the reality when I mention it and ironically continues to use my child to try and shame me into "functionality" when I'm struggling with the outcome of childhood.
Somethings gotta give.
as someone who grew up with toxic parents and as someone whose had to cut off both parents bc no matter how many times I bring up my grievances with them, they refuse to apologize or acknowledge the hurt, you are a far better mom than most.
the fact that you can recognize it and want to do better says so much about you. ❤
I 1000% relate to this. I was my worst mentally when my daughter was around 3, and I still can't forgive myself for it. She's 14 now, and we have a really good relationship. I work every day to be the best parent I can be and give her the things I didn't get.
She trusts me and I can tell by how open she is with me (especially for a teenager). Not all is lost. Kids really don't need perfection, they just need connection and to feel like their parent at least values them enough to try to be better. I know it would have meant everything to me if my dad were to have just apologized and took accountability.
Shame is what I learned to feel as a child when faced with the choice of blaming myself for a lack of love, protection, and encouragement and blaming the family system. There was so much of it that my younger self wanted to put on himself because he didn't see his parents taking in enough shame. (I'll feel this shame because you aren't going to, you're oblivious, and I'll be a better person if I shame myself enough so I don't turn out like you).
Shame is a cold sweat on the lower back, a confusing warmth on the back of the neck, this narrowing of all value of our self directed at a single negative outcome: I am worthless because I do not have what I have been taught I must have to be lovable. I don't have this job, I don't have this grade, I don't have this partner, I don't have this power to be free from my oppressors. I can't find a better place, a better home.
But you are great writer. Believe me, you are. 🫶
Thanks for your appreciation. My inner kid cherishes being seen for his gifts. @@ac1646
The not having children for fear of inflicting the same pain on them was for sure my thing. My the time I was ready, somehow nature kept saying no...I wish I had been healed sooner
Absolutely the same here ! Never was that "into" children, but mostly I was terrified I would 'BECOME' the monster !
Same here. 👍 I didn’t want to have kids because I didn’t want them to have the same kind of childhood I did. I was 46 when I married for the first time, and he was the only man I’d been with that I would have had kids with. Oh well…
I always thought I would and from 19+ I know I musnt... I know child issues would trigger me into my own childhood issues and there's just too many of them, better to keep that non touched. Old wounds need to heal, not get salt and vinegar on constantly. But greatest worry is not to ever hurt another small human being, even accidentally. From over much of empathy, not from shame... I'd die of guilt éven for a small flawed thing because I don't want to be the one who hurts or the one who is becoming the one who hurts 😩
Shame about so many things. Including shame that my abusers treated me the way they did.
I’ve been so so so ashamed most of my life. I never even dared to try anything. I reacted out my self hatred and insecurities and wasted my life. Now fifty and doing much better but still without a relationship or a job on a level that would fit me. Getting over the regret of letting myself be so hammered down was and still often is the hardest part of all of this.
Thank you for sharing. Do not give up! Be so proud of how far you have come ❤
The not deserving to exist is spot on. You can start going down this road, and it quickly spirals out of control. The voice in your head pretty much torments you day and night…
Shame is feeling I need to hide being unworthy of attention, being deserving of being ignored.
Feeling good or even "worse" doing something actively, that makes me feel good, activates a lot of shame in me. Sharing a good feeling with another person, talking about it, showing it openly, is still one of the worst shame activating events.
Same. when I play a kid's game and I'm doing nothing in my room. I think it's a coling mechanism but once I notice it I feel like quitting really bad... I lose motivation for happy things but also complicated things like artworks or homeworks.
I go over conversations and remember with such shame certain things I said. I think, “That sounded so stupid” or “That sounded awful/selfish/inconsiderate.” I do this less and less, but it’s still there. I am learning to get over it quicker by talking to myself with patience and love. And I sometimes do this wonderful thing that Patrick taught us and I love! I find my inner “Fuck that!”
Mel Robbins has a great video called "let them".. about letting people just do what they do instead of taking responsibility for everybody else's actions. It's really good.
#6 struck a cord in me so hard I actually cried a little. As a kid I remember my grandma saying my sibling and I were ten years underdeveloped, somehow it was our fault our mother neglected us which made us defective? Also my parents made me feel like a freak because I was an introvert instead of easily having friends like my sibling.
I still struggle with these thoughts and it doesn’t help when my mom visits and criticizes every choice in my apartment.
“What do you mean you don’t want a complete kitchen set?” I live by myself and Im content with my setup? Im more concerned with other things especially financially. :/
A coworker told me my inner voice is mostly my mom’s voice internalized. It really makes sense
I spent most of my life feeling like a freak for some of my thoughts and feelings. It really drove me to withdraw. So much shame.
I would also find it beneficial for a lengthy video on gradual exposure therapy. The triggers are very overwhelming. They are everywhere.
Mom caused me to feel shame as a child because she came from a family that caused her to feel it too, so I feel it's been passed down for a few generations at least.
I tried to not pass it down to my children, but I'm sure I did somewhat.
I pretty much failed at everything in life: my attempted career didn't work out, I'm unemployed, have no friends or partner, and still live with my father at my mom's taking care of her because of her dementia. I absolutely have an immense amount of shame.
Wishing you to get to a place where there is so much less of it.
Is there any chance you can "escape" a couple of hours a week !? Maybe go to the library, jump on a computer, and write away some of the worse frustration?
A good beginner book about writing is Natalie Goldberg, "Writing down the bones."
And as she says, you don't have to show anyone ! It helps clear the air a bit.
Wishing you best of luck.
I am surprised how pervasive it is. Asking for help getting to the grocery store made me cry and feel bad about myself. I'm so thankful I'm learning to identify it.❤
Shame is feeling like you constantly fail at everything and you can’t figure out what is wrong with you that makes you incapable of succeeding no matter how hard you try.
Any mistake esp at work makes me spin out.
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
2:00 What Is Shame?
2:31 What Is Shame? - Visual
4:13 Recaps About Shame
4:25 Recaps About Shame - Shame Or Guilt?
4:41 Recaps About Shame - Indirect & Direct Shame
5:09 Recaps About Shame - Full of Shame or Shameless?
5:54 Recaps About Shame - Shame as a Fixed Gravity/ Orbital Shame
7:10 Recaps About Shame - Shame Influences Everything
7:40 Recaps About Shame - Shame and Society Rules
8:24 Recaps About Shame - Shame Is a Big Umbrella Term
8:46 Recaps About Shame - Shame-Based Parent
9:20 The Opposite of Shame
9:30 The Opposite of Shame - Integrity
11:13 Everyday Examples of Shame
11:59 #1 "You too!"
13:56 #2 Bomb Jokes
15:48 #3 It's Personal
17:36 #4 Shame Is Contagious
19:36 #5 I Can't Be Like Them!
21:23 #6 Pressured Peers
24:48 #7 Enough Is Enough
27:46 #8 YES, IT'S SERIOUS!
29:41 #9 "I could never do THAT!"
32:31 How to Work on Shame
32:53 Runners Up
33:56 Final Thoughts
36:10 Outro
I often think that if my own father can’t tolerate me then how can anyone else? That feeling of being defective and broken is so difficult for me.
I feel shame when I cause unintentional harm with words, but especially with actions, such as accidentally stepping on someone's foot.
Failure, no progress in life, no achievements, physical appearance, just everything. Self-loathing.
I have washed away a lot of the shame I did have. Self-compassion has been the balm to counter it. So much of my shame was actually me internalising things that OTHER people should have had shame about - their cruelty, them taking their stuff out on me, not seeing my needs, not meeting my needs, judging me unfairly, everything that has happened to the generations of my indigenous family through colonisation, social oppression, all the bigotry, phobias and -isms, invisibilisation that was smothering me.
I didn't choose any of it. I also didn't choose the impacts it had on me.
It's just not my shame to carry.
I can choose to heal, be a good person, lift up myself and others.
I definitely relate to the experience of healing - it being about integrity, dignity, humanity, owning my flaws and mistakes with humour. For me it's been very much about authenticity and safe connections too.
(The specific joke thing really is a neurodivergent thing in my case, but I notice myself wanting to do it but then realising nobody will know what I'm talking about and I keep it to myself. I kind of love when others do it though, as I recognise their thinking and I love autistic deep interests and the joy it brings us. I always appreciate when you acknowledge us in among your audience).
Body shame but just breathing shame. I often catch myself holding my breath. Making noise shame
I realized, in my 40s, that I have a habit of holding my breath when I’m around people (that is, when not alone).
Actually, I hold it after I exhale. Like making myself smaller by having my lungs unfilled.
It’s like I’m waiting for someone to notice that I’m doing something wrong, and I’m bracing against that.
But I also feel like I can’t take up space with my breathing when I’m in smaller spaces around people.
I have difficulty sleeping in the same bed with my partner, because I don’t want my breathing to bother him.
I had a very flat tummy, because it was always in a tensed state!
I still do it (age 63), but less intensely after finally noticing my habit & trying to practice breathing around people.
@ hugs to you 🤗
yep, so scared to make noise. I used to get beat up really bad for making noise.
one of my biggest sources of shame is my appearance. my mother always criticized how i looked, that i didn’t try hard enough to be feminine, didn’t shave often enough, didn’t wear skirts or dresses, didn’t wear makeup. She would often say i’d be “so pretty, if only i would just try”. to this day, I struggle with what i wear, how i do my hair, if i look put together, etc. and am doing work to define what is feminine to ME, what beautiful is to ME, but wow progress isn’t a straight line.
Do you want to be feminine?
I can hear my mother, yes, shaming me for even listening to this!!
🫂 keep going for you
In the wake of undiagnosed ADHD and possibly autism, failing to work in a consistent and daily way is a shame trigger. Well intentioned reminders from others and my past self are doubly triggering.
26:26 I am an artist and my mom put a piece of paper in front of me as a teenager and told me to prove I wasn’t “faking” my artwork because she couldn’t believe that I could do it. Everything was a competition and she always had to be ‘better’ and it drove her crazy. It’s so hard to this day to believe I’m a good enough artist and I always oddly enough believe I’m “faking it”. Your videos are so informative and really open my eyes and believe that there is hope in healing and that I am a real artist - so thank you!
Shame about not being perfect, or good enough, making a mistake, or not knowing how to do something immediately and well without being taught or having practice or experience. Fair or constructive criticism triggers shame. Way better than it used to be with work and years but still have to actively correct those automatic thoughts and feelings. Thanks for all you do!
Yes this!
Shame for me has been crippling in so many aspects of my life and it wasnt until I started watching your channel that I realized how deep the issue goes. Thank you for all your share.
Great video as always Patrick. I think you're the seminal therapist on dysfunctional family systems. I always feel seen here. Thanks for your great work. 🙏
Thank you so much!
It’s a great description
I’m 33 and have never lived apart from my parents. C-ptsd and bipolar disorder have kept me in freeze mode almost my whole life. The few times I’ve managed to get a job and make progress over the years inevitably end within a year or so when I end up totally breaking down. Nothing I do is right, I’ll never be able to live on my own, I can’t drive and can’t function and I’m terrified how I’ll live once my parents inevitably pass and I don’t have a “stable” place to fall back on. Shame rules my life and no matter how much therapy I get it seems to never get better.
I have the right to make mistakes
I don't have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present
I'm letting go of relationships that require perfection
Mistakes don't make me a mistake
I commit to myself
I'm on my side
I refuse to trash myself
I will turn shame back into blame and disgust and externalize it to anyone who shames my normal feelings.
As long as I'm not hurting anyone I refuse to be shamed for normal emotional responses like anger, sadness, fear, depression.
I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to completely eliminate the self hate habit
I will not repetitively examine details over and over
I will not jump to negative conclusions
I will not endlessly second-guess myself
I cannot change the past
I forgive all past mistakes
I cannot make the future perfectly safe
I will stop hunting for what could go wrong
I will not try to control the uncontrollable
I will not micromamage myself or others
Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty
I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt
Sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway
In the inevitable instances where I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make ammends and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over
I will not accept unfair blame. I'm no longer a victim
I refuse to attack myself, or abuse others
I care for myself ❤️
My son died 3 years ago. I'm ashamed I didn't always put his well-being first, due to my neverending quest for love. And now I can't make it up to him.
I'm so sorry. Please be gentle with yourself. ❤️
I feel shame anytime I put myself first, even now I’m old and only have myself. It has gotten better in the second half of my adulthood… since going no contact. It’s still there. I can feel the comments made by so many people here as if I lived it myself. It’s such a lonely place. I started healing when I realized I need to take care of myself first before I can truly care for another.
Good work. In my experience, also endless work.
As one of my teachers often said, "If you want to heal the world, heal yourself."
Failure (academic, professional), misplacing an important item (phone, etc)
Shame for me has to do with my weight. My mother commented on it almost every day and I still just totally feel huge, and not enough, because of my weight.
I would really appreciate learning more about how to parent an inner child when you dont have childhood memories or are disassociated from the feelings of those memories.
Same
The transparent frog. That's me. I can spot another transparent frog at a hundred yards. Transparent frogs have no carapace, no armour to protect them. Their only protection is to hide, to remain unseen
I'm ashamed to use the word "trauma" or say that I went through trauma. I had a little t trauma. (I don't consider myself to have CPTSD but the trauma had intensely impacted me up until this year). The main source was that I was bullied by this one girl in my friend group of girls in a gaslighting and emotionally abusive way for 2 years (ages 12-14). I spent my full days and evenings with them on weekdays. But on top of that my parents are VERY dismissive. My dad's a dismissive avoidant and my mom's a fearful avoidant. They'll have a fight where they'll take things as a personal attack, get defensive, yell and escalate everything, then after a couple of days they'll act like it never happened and say they are happy together. I ask mom sometimes to try something to work on her issues, but she always insists that she has nothing to do with the fights. This weekend she said to me "I just don't get why you're upset about this 24 hours later. It has passed now." But then she also said "I'm still avoiding your dad," which is practically admitting that she's not over HER feelings, she's just over MY feelings. And I find it unbelievable that I hadn't noticed sooner how much of an impact that must have added. Especially because when I found out that I was bullied/abused by that friend 4 years later, after something like 3 months of talking about it with my mom, she said to me "I think you should just move on now." I'm almost 22 now and in the last couple of months for the first time I finally had an experience with 2 people where they did not dismiss me or brush me off when I explained my little t trauma. They were engaged, and they backed me up.
I feel a lot of shame when I realize everything I've done falling all over myself to not be inconsiderate has in fact caused more of an issue than if I just left it alone
1:21 ok; because you do so much hard work making these videos for us and I never comment, I’ll play along: one of my biggest sources of shame is my inability to bring financial income into the household. Thanks for the vids. 💜
I like Brené Browns studies around shame and the difference she makes between shame and guilt.
Guilt being: I did a not so good thing that may need accountability, rectifying or apology and possibly bettering in the future.
Shame being: I am inherently and absolutely not __ enough and therefore undeserving of love and connection (which can escalate up to feeling undeserving of being alive for being so rotten)
Becomes tricky for kid growing up in a family where these are mixed. Where a glass of spilled water is treated as if the childs existance was an utter nuisance/burden/insufferable etc.
Everything bad or wrong is somehow happening because of you
Saying “You too!” then instantly thinking “I can’t even pull off trying to SEEM like a normal person!” - Wow, this is a daily (sometimes hourly) experience for me. Related to that, I really struggle with doing things medium well and having balance in my life. It’s a mystery to me how other people do a good enough job at work and still leave on time and have lives outside of work. Or can enjoy creative hobbies without hyper focusing on their imperfections and the inevitable learning curve process. Or do a good enough job with housekeeping that you can have someone over And the house isn’t embarrassingly messy, nor is it perfectly tidy to the point that you’re up till dawn the night before cleaning every nook and cranny and cursing yourself for inviting people over and starting to despise the guests that you did invite over!!
I’d probably need a year to just go over this whole thing. My most hated words. Normal. Burden. Inconvenient. And the worst… Needy. All the shame is around the first set. And the accusation that I’m not normal and am a burden. Which makes me too needy. Yep. I dwelt on a razor edge of damned if I do and damned if I don’t. And mom’s confusion on why I just didn’t do everything perfectly because then we would never have had problems. I realize that it wasn’t worse cuz I was smart. And could hash out most things through trial and error. And also struggling in a world that I wasn’t allowed in and wasn’t welcome in because I was too needy and therefore had to basically ask for permission first for basics that kids accept theirs as normal. Such as my home. It really wasn’t. It was the place I was allowed to reside in… if. The occasionally stated there’s the door if you don’t like it. Me taking it one way. Mom saying she meant it differently and I never understood and always got it wrong.
Hi, Patrick and community. Background - I was heavily abused in childhood, physical, emotional, psychological. Fast-forward 40 years, I am injured at work following orders, so severely that I have deemed 100% disabled forever. My shame tells me I deserve this, that this is my punishment for trying and failing, failing myself, my family, my daughter. It has been 4 years, I am in counseling and groups, but this shame is so ingrained that I cannot escape it... As if the shame has attached itself to the physical destruction of my body and soul.
My shame is triggered when I don’t know how something works and when I don’t observe what is going on with other people.
Thank you Patrick. I was a ritual scapegoat for religious abuse. The worthiness metrics were insane and backwards: giving up yourself instead of becoming yourself, transcending the body instead of living in the present… I’m so proud of myself for withstanding it and reclaiming my goodness. Much gratitude 🙏
I applied for a job recently. I felt ashamed right after I sent the CV. I was picturing the hr manager being disgusted and laughing at me because I dare to apply for the job.
I once heard “mistakes require correction” that helped contain me with logic, instead of spiraling in the vortex of shame.
Among other things, shame for me comes from tollerating the abuse without speaking up. A version of "you're too weak or afraid." It blends with imposter syndrome because I'm the friend who always has someone else's backs and encourages them to speak their truth.
Ive struggled with bpd for as long as i can remember and the main reason i dont want to have kids is because i cant stand the idea of anybody else dealing with the viceral hell that is being alone in my head with my thoughts and feelings. Ive always felt fundumentally flawed and the idea of watching my child struggle and suffer with something they cant explain or rationalize just rips me apart.
My biggest triggers come from gaslighters, especially if they are authority figures. I'm supposed to play along with a lie, and it's usually one that scapegoats me as the problem. Why do I find myself in this place, and what did I do to merit the label if I did nothing wrong and the other guy did? It's not even my shame to bear.
Shame is being born into high expectations rewarded by affection and attention that trained you into holding those high expectations for yourself. And now, even on the rare occasion that you meet them you raise them even higher so no matter what you do or achieve you can never feel like you deserve love, attention and affection.
The feeling I get after interacting with most people (but especially mine and my partner's families), an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness
My messiness and leaving stuff around is a big shame issue for me. My mom used to get mad at me when I would leave my toys out and be like "don't you care about these things??" And I did. I just had undiagnosed ADHD and PTSD (although she knew about the PTSD)
yes i also have undiagnosed ADHD. I feel like I was constantly judged and shamed even though i was trying really hard
Shame is feeling so depraved and unworthy of anything good in this world.
Shame is avoiding eye contact for fear of the other person seeing what you really are
-not being able to live up to who I wanted to be
-having bad "seasons" where I am not emotionally regulated, have bad stress management and coping strategies
-being over-reactive and hard to be around
-knowing better but not doing better
-might reaction being fight over freeze, flight, or fawning (none are good, but fight is difficult for everyone)
-binge eating junk food even when it makes me feel sick
-blowing friendships up instead of figuring out conflicts
-being truly much happier alone
Shame is when you BECOME the mistake or deficiency. Patrick, your talk about traditional vs matched grip really resonated with me as a musician. I'm working through changing some things in my technique that are forcing me to go back to basics, and it is a definite struggle not to let the mistakes become who I am. When I meditate or do EFT tapping, I'm trying to get the idea in my head that the mistakes can be my TEACHERS, not my labels, but with CPTSD, that is a real struggle.
feeling not good enough, never enough for partners. reacting to disappointments by feeling too disabled to take care of myself or reach for new opportunities. growing up socialized as a boy. having to correct people's assumptions about my life, not feeling trans enough or feminine enough. feeling that i was having to tolerate bullying growing up just to have friends. then realizing it was violent repression of my girlhood.
I'm ashamed of many things, and it's all like some complex mess of wires that I feel with every untangle I make yet another knot. I've been so absent in my own life that I find myself ashamed that I didn't bloom where I felt I should.
I want to work towards happiness and balance but I find myself crying and so numb with nothing but shame. Shame for crying, shame for not being at my goals, shame for not working towards my goals but shame for trying and being bad. It's like the walls are closing in on me with every step but falter in crushing me due to what little will I am able to muster.
As long as I have a little of this fight left, that means there is a place the shame couldn't reach, I believe. So that in itself is something, I hope.
Of all the comments I think I relate to this the most, like I'm in the same boat. As much as I don't always feel it, I still believe there's hope for us. I have no idea the path I'll take to get there but I like the idea of living my life the way I want and growing old
Shame is the dirty rag we childhood trauma survivors try to hide deep inside our souls. How could our own family not like us, find us repulsive, hate us, not care about us, not want us around, not want to help us when we are struggling, it was like we were worth nothing.
Shame is the feeling when someone tells you that you aren’t who you believe yourself to be. They challenge your sense of self, suggesting that you see life through a distorted filter-even when you believe you’re being objective. Not only are you not who you think you are, but you’re also incapable of seeing yourself clearly.
For the last four or so years I’ve been completely overcome by shame to the point that it’s impossible for me to connect to or effectively communicate with anyone. This is an excruciating way to live and I can’t tolerate it anymore. I have to prioritize healing above anything else.
It will become better, you can rise above it with time and healing. I have had the same experience, and eventually the shame lost grip on me... I realized I am human and make mistakes, and that I don't have to set up such hig standards for myself. Take care
I've been working on this most of my life. Still a work in progress as some weekends are painfully spent going back and forth in my brain. At age 61, I'm a confident and successful human being. Most of all proud of myself!
Shame for me is the pervasive idea that it's objectively, morally wrong not to despise yourself. That the times you're freely cruising along just being you, without mindfully hating yourself, are the times you're being the most loathsome. I was taught that ever being my authentic self was a deliberate antisocial act, and my ongoing desperate desire to be seen and accepted despite being unable to fix myself was the unassailable proof of my depravity.
But they're dead now, so fuck 'em. 😊 They were wrong about me and yours were wrong about you.
As a CSA survivor, and as a female I used to feel slutshamed a lot. Our society in the Caucasus is very patriarchal and the family ties can really be important. I'll bring an example: My uncle wouldn't talk to me in years because I had my nose pierced when I was 17. Because "people will think you're a slut". And of course, I felt in danger next to him.
My mom is mentally unstable and has been very dependent on me emotionally. My dad would shame me because "I stressed my mom out" and he would rhetorically ask: "Are you planning to push her to her grave?".
And of course, being from "an educated middle class family", I suffered a lot from the expectations projected on me by my parents and their friends.
Now I'm 40 and I started creating content for my fansly account. IYKYK.
My shame is triggered when I feel that someone thinks I am selfish or have behaved selfishly. Not thinking of others emotions, needs, desires. I have a feeling that my adhd presented outwardly as narcissism when i was young, and i know my dad wanted to curb this 'selfishness' in me. It was from a place of love, and i appreciate his guidance. Other family members just assumed i was an overly self centered creature and a few of their comments have stuck with me through the years. Now as an adult i absolutely hate looking thoughtless, callous or not helpful/kind.
As far as doing the opposite of 'them' as an adult, I am extremely chill. About everything. Running late? Been there, i get it. Didnt know what to say? Been there too, its all good. I dont care where we eat. I dont care where we go. I am a willow tree and i bend in the breeze. I am determined not to take things personally (not always successfully, and not always to my own benefit). Can anyone else relate?