"Don't spend emotional energy on people who are not your friend, loved one, partner, intimate family." Wow so simple, going to repeat this to myself and practice this. You're the best Patrick thank you!
@@sjacpswbs03162005 I never said it was easy. I said it was simple. It is not easy and takes practice. For me, it takes surrendering my judgments and paying attention to what is right in front of me. Good luck
@@sjacpswbs03162005 For me it's only opening questions as to why. Like, why is it impossible? Or why does it feel impossible? What does THAT bring up? And then answering those questions sometimes at least gives me a reason why it's impossible.
I don't think it's even possible to do this. Every interaction is emotional. In my experience, it's far healthier to recognize how you feel about the interaction and then make decisions about how you're going to think about it and what you'll do moving forward. Marinating in the pain and hopelessness is what's toxic.
I've been in therapy since I was a teenager due to my narcissistic, alcoholic, abusive and neglectful parents. Consequently, I have quit so many corporate jobs due to being so triggered by lousy bosses and dysfunctional environments. This is the first time I've heard anyone talk about the correlation between the CPTSD and the work environment. Thank you so very much for this eye-opening video!
One of the most insidious things about CPTSD & having grown up in an abusive family is that a toxic workplace - where abuse is the norm - feels "normal". And in being compliant when you _should_ stick up for yourself or exit the job, you become an accomplice in your own degradation & humiliation. It's taken me years & a number of bad workplaces to learn that toxic abuse is never acceptable.
You articulated that so well "being an accomplice in your own humiliation and degradation." That was my last job. It was a very misogynistic work environment set by my boss and I felt at the time that I had to just take it because it "was all in good fun" and to respond to the situation appropriately would either "prove their point" or cause shame and retribution. Then a new employee was hired that wasn't joking and was legitimately a sexual predator. I brought it up with my boss several times to no avail; after all he had set the tone for that kind of behavior to be ok and probably feared taking punitive action because his actions would also come to light. I eventually left and it was one of the best things I've ever done for my mental health. In my exit interview I explained why I was leaving to my head boss and tried to explain the complicated situation my boss put me in. Instead of firing the new employee who was still on probation anyways, their solution after I left was to hire his wife for twice his salary in another position to "keep him in line." This wasn't a family business. This was a government job...uugh. wtf
I agree totally. I’ve had jobs where my coworkers behavior and work ethics were unacceptable. I was told I needed to put up with it, that’s just how it was there. Chaos and insanity daily.
What happened to me on one job was that the manager really liked me, until one day, he comes over to where I’m working, and starts talking to me about other employees. He didn’t like the staff he had at the time, for some pretty twisted reasons, and was looking for dirt on them, so he could have grounds to get rid of them. He didn’t put it that plainly, but it was plain, nonetheless. I took a breath, and told him, “Well, I really like all the people I’ve worked with so far.” I was on his s*** list for the next four years. It was awful, but I don’t rat out co-workers, unless they’ve done something criminal. I stood for my moral code, but it was really traumatizing to be bullied like that.
I had a ton of childhood trauma and a difficult time with employment due to mental health issues and Autism. I am blessed to have finally found a job that I'm really good at and fits all my needs. I work as a janitor for businesses after they close for the day and I work alone. My employer and other managers are fantastic people who care about the employees. I am so lucky and blessed to have found this job.
killed someone through parallel autistic theory and got away with it by going psychotic from his autistic deconstruction physical assault of my brain trauma as a child was put on antipsychotics for 2 years and still capable of work but we just want to it's awfully annoying
OMG! All these years I've had these issues with every single job! Deep down I always feel like the weirdo who is too sensitive and/or too intense, and think to myself "why do I take things so personally" (which in fact I've been told a couple times and THAT in itself is a huge trigger!). It all makes perfect sense now! No wonder jobs r so draining & mentally exhausting.
A supervisor walking up to me and asking if I’m working as hard as I can, which reminded me of my mother and aunt demanding that I work harder around the house as a kid, when I felt I was working as hard as I could already. Micro managers are also on my trigger list
A manager kindly suggested that I work on my shyness (something I'd been desperately working on for fifteen years by that time). Growing up my parents thought that a dysregulated child must not be aware that this is a problem, otherwise she'd have magically regulated her own emotions. And here I was being given the same expectation/assumption, that obviously I must not realize that my shyness is a problem, otherwise I'd have magically fixed it by now. Except.... as an adult, I was supposed to have been taught emotion regulation skills and be able to do that.
Is it weird, I actually like "corporate speak" in the sense that I feel safer when people at work speak professionally. If there's too much personal info, emotions, bias, etc, it feels like boundaries are blurring and I don't like it. I've also had way too many jobs and managers that were abusive or inappropriate so another reason why I prefer people speak professionally at work! Makes me feel safer.
I'm similar in that I prefer professional speech, but to me that also means frank honesty. Like, there's politeness, and then there's just blowhard behavior, and I can't stand the blowhard lying double speech round-the-bush "professionalism" behavior. I don't think you're weird at all, btw.
I guess it depends what your trigger is! Some people find it as a trigger to panic because the lack of inauthenticity is a reminder of possibly a narcissistic parent that treated you badly but made it seem that your pain was nothing and pretended to the world that everything was peachy… I think that is the case for me. Honestly the lack of authenticity is something that inexplicably makes me want to scream out since I’ve had my trust broken so often having grown up in a cult… so it’s really very interesting how it works out. I wonder if we draw situations to ourselves, that cause us to be triggered in what hurt as children I can see it from your perspective also that your trigger is overstepping boundaries with uncontrolled emotions and actions so covering that up makes you feel safer. I can also see how everyone’s triggers must be tripping over each other in the workplace
I never realized it myself but I agree with you. However, I do it everywhere. Naturally, it's more pronounced at work, but words, and being direct with them makes me feel safer. Less room for misunderstanding.
“It’s okay if you don’t work well in a hierarchical type job” 👈🏼 That HIT HARD. This literally gives me the positive validation and acknowledgement that it’s okay if I work better working by myself (ie having my own business). If the corporate structure doesn’t work for me, then I don’t have to force myself to conform to it.
I hated the heirarchy, the boss was always an echo of my narcissistic mother. I started my own business in 2019 and all the toxic triggers melted away. I work on my own, I love it, I'm relaxed, my time is mine. No toxic boss lauding it over me. Definitely do it !!!!
@@vivdoolan6846. I am kind of a Carl Jung geek and Jung has a yang to his yin, Freud's nephew, Edward Bernays. While Jung was busy trying to teach people to better understand themselves Bernays was teaching corporations and politicians how to trap people in servitude. BBC did a series on Bernays called The Century of the Self. I think of cptsd as kind of mixed blessing, when you start looking for a way out of the matrix you start to find yourself, and its more work than most people ever do. when I recommend the series to friends that are "happy" in their corporate illusion they have a hard time sitting through it, they start to understand their autonomy has been stripped from them for a paycheck, it's not an easy pill to swallow.
Patrick made a really good point at the start of the video about toxic families not really setting people up to advocate for themselves or go for more. My dad has a saying when we kids asked him for anything, "if you ask, you don't get. If you don't ask, you don't want." I've known for a long time that I wanted my own business, but I've stuck with jobs until I can no-longer lie to myself about how miserable I've been. My dad's saying was total shiite. Other people have the right to run their business right into the ground if they'd like, and I have the right to stay in peace about it.
@@ohmygodyouknowwhatweshould2496 for me personally I have a real problem not being at the helm, it's probably from parentification and hypervigilance and a few other things too. Always recognizing how things could be done better and watching people blunder and not learning from their mistakes, it makes my brain explode.
Holy shit Tay, I can't believe how often you show up in comment sections of videos I watch. Is it the algorithm? Do we just have a lot in common? Is it both? I don't know, but it seems like you value the same things I do and find the same things I do interesting or funny.
The last bit of advice, "Don't sweat people who aren't in your inner circle," hit me like a brick. It's so applicable not just for work, but also for my current roommate situation. I'm going to meditate on that one so it sinks in all the way.
I grew up where my mother ignored me and my father was very physically abusive. When I would work I would be at the job for 90 hours a week while only punching in for 40 because I felt guilty about not getting things done and knew the budget would not allow me to get paid for more while knowing everything was not done. I was a manager at CVS and we were always understaffed and the staff were underpaid so I got really burnt out. I had trouble feeling like I was good enough to keep a job, thinking my termination was always around the corner. After 3 years I quit because I stopped enjoying movies I used to enjoy, I never looked forward to/had fun with anything and I dedicated so much of my time at the job that I had no social life. I felt this deep sense of aloneness and had no energy to keep going while gaining 80 pounds in a year through emotional eating/not having enough time to cook/take care of myself. I learned I wanted a job where I had more flexibility with my schedule and now I am a remote tutor and quickbooks bookkeeper. I only had the courage to quit because I felt like I was on the verge of dying if I didnt. I wish I quit sooner but everything is ok nowand I am glad I made the decision.
This is me too.. I work for accounting, and I am no stranger to long hours. I also do not punch all of my hours because I feel like I don’t deserve it. People wonder why I never punch all of my hours, but I can’t just trauma dump them…
Never, ever work for the church!!! The phrase is from "The Jungle", because the owner made a big deal of building huge beautiful churches with his money. The workers called it working for the church when working off the clock.F that, oh and F your boss for expecting it. I walked off 3 jobs for this BS.
This video really speaks to me. Thanks to my toxic upbringing, I developed an exceptional ability to "handle" difficult and abusive people. This made me a valuable asset in restaurant, retail, sales, and other service insdustry jobs, and eventually the "golden handcuff" phenomenon left me feeling trapped in those fields. At my last job, which involved Working With The Public in a customer service position, my co-workers called me "the psychopath whisperer." Whether the rude abusive person was a customer, a client, or a boss, I was somehow the only one who could calm them down and make them happy. It turned out to be a lucrative skill for me, but it was triggering af and took a heavy toll. At the end of every day I staggered home feeling exhausted, depleted, miserable, misanthropic, and bitter. On the bright side, now whenever the shoe's on the other foot and I'm the customer, I take pride in being as agreeable and low-maintenance as possible, and always tip 30-50%.
@Elizabeth Churchill. I love it!! 😍 “the psychopath whisperer!” 😄 Now, there’s a moniker! But I’m glad you don’t have to be the psychopath whisperer any more!
Oh I relate to this too! I didn't realize until I read your comment that the reason why I was so good at customer service was my people-pleasing tendencies and ability to "read" difficult people. It was after they promoted me to supervisor that I left the field because I couldn't "please" the people on my team AND be the one responsible for pointing out their mistakes and holding them accountable. I was (am) way too insecure for that
I can relate my tolerance for toxicity took me "far" as in I could hold on to my job for longer as people around me that were quitting or getting fired.
I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. We finished our performance reviews, and I got a 1.5 out of 4 & was passed up for a raise despite my contributions over the years, and the fact that my boss knows I really struggled mentally last year. Those things cut like a knife. This video proved everything I've began to realize.
Performance reviews are just another way for corporations to avoid paying their employees appropriately. Don't take it personally, the Man is just out to screw everyone regardless of their true value as human beings.
Every SINGLE point here hit me like I had a magnetic bullseye between the eyes. Thanks Patrick, once again-it amazes me how you deeply you get it. I'm 52 and have had 36 jobs. I'm on my LAST ONE - working on building the confidence to start my own business.
Same, I'm 51 and I was always the scapegoat. Always the one let go. Always passed over. Overlook, taken for granted and i never had the confidence or the level head to just observe what was going on and move on.
watching this video wasn't too far off from being hit in the head by nerf darts repeatedly. That is, I kept getting what he meant over and over again, and it resonated
I went into possibly the WORST profession for triggering, child social worker. I thought I was passionate ( when I was in denial ) turns out I was being triggered every single day for 14 years. My therapist said I was always going to end up in that type of role to try and resolve trauma. Always felt fear of bosses, always had issues with fairness and justice, felt exploited because my labour was profited from. I just couldn't stand employment at all . Now I run my own business and I'm not triggered at all, wish I had done this move 20 years ago but I wasnt ready. Every family I worked with I tried to resolve my trauma by being the 'useful child '. The boss was the frightening covert narcissist mother. I was absolutely drained out emotionally giving support to so many families and getting no support for myself to manage it. The managers emotional intelligence levels were always so low it was always frustrating they just couldn't give adequate support. Always felt so trapped being managed by people less capable / less in tune. The biggest trigger of all was allegations from children that got buried, and when I raised it I was ignored/ dismissed like my mother used to. The burying of allegations took me to a very dark place and I lost all faith in my profession. I'm finally doing work that doesn't trigger me, no emotional drain, no toxic managers and bitchy workplaces. In fact , I work alone and have no reliance on one job/ client so I feel free and less stress.
Thank you for this!! "I work alone and have no reliance on one job/ client so I feel free and less stress" - I am working towards this too! It's so good to hear that it works well for you, because that gives me hope that it will work well for me too. Working for myself seems like...not all my eggs in one basket. No one person has the power to 100% fire me. Oh dude that is a power thing - no one will have that power over me.
Just left my job for same reasons last month. And I was not ssurreee why I was leaving.. But it was exactly this. Worked for children... As psychological counsellor. 100℅ word to word same experience and realization as yours.
Patrick, I needed this video. My workplace is objectively dysfunctional, but it also triggers my childhood trauma. I reported a serial sexual harasser 8 years ago. He was promoted during the investigation into his behavior, which revealed that he harassed 6 of us. He's still going strong in his career, and I'm the outcast who "disrupted" our department. Thank you for everything you do. I appreciate you so much.
It’s not your fault and you did a brave thing. I did something similar at my old workplace and at my school when I and others were harassed. They may not appreciate it, but I hope you find comfort in knowing you made the right decision. I’m sorry how unfair your situation is, but congratulations on your courage and heart ♥️
I worked with a cook who would trap women in the freezer. It was a small walk in and he'd rub up against the females to get by them. Like he'd run his junk against my butt 🤢 He did this to me multiple times. Another guy would tell me things like, "You're a woman. Get back in the kitchen." He was serious. I complained and I ended up getting fired the next time I was late. I reported to the boss that it was a hostile and toxic workplace. Ugh. Wal-Mart was worse. I haven't worked in 6 years because it's all anxiety.
I had a similar experience with a coworker, who at first was just lazy and avoided doing work as much as possible in favor of bragging about his sexual conquests ... Us ladies should have been complaining then ...
"The biggest lesson I have learned is that no matter what work I do inside emotionally, that won't make the place less abusive or wrong for me." For the moment I am doing contract work and even though current company wants to hire me, I feel better being contract because I feel I have more freedom, which is more important than money. I feel that most corporate systems are just like dysfunctional family systems. I related to so much of what you spoke about. Another great video of real value! Thank You! Loved the humor....
What I haven't liked about contact work is the expectation of producing so much in a shortened amount of time. I know there's a point where contractors make a whole lot of money (of course it eventually goes to taxes and insurance), I just haven't figured out how.
@@Heyu7her3 I just today quit an "easy 3 hour a day tech CSM job" that took all day long to do and only charged for 4 hours. Plus, more kept piling on my plate in terms of expectations, being a boss mind reader, not getting it right and just taking on more hours and meetings etc for no reason. My headaches and burning hot neck told me it was time. I quit with one sentence, billed my hours, blocked the sources and just moving on. The expectations of 1099 work are crazy.
Thank you. I’ve just retired early to recover from my 22 year career as a nurse. It was and still is hard to walk away from that profession. I feel like a war veteran. I had to curb my natural creativity, innovation and and leadership qualities to conform to dysfunctional environments. I’ve been suffering from agoraphobia for the past 9 months. I struggle with feelings of failure and a bit of an identity crisis. I know I’m not alone in this. Anyway, I really appreciate this video. Validation always is healing
Hang in there. I left my job after 18 years in the hospital. I had PTSD and burnout. It takes a while, but I’d does get better. Take care of yourself. Unfortunately, the healthcare system is toxic and exploits it’s workforce in the worst way.
I feel like I fall into a shark thank since I'm working in child's hospital in this particular team. Due to post traumatic stress I literally spend sick at home 3 months from total 6 months of working there. My coach said I need to become more resilent. People often say being a nurse is so noble and I'm thinking to word vomit all over them the pain I'm in. You could be as well given a medal for working at that job for that long. I loved quote I read the other time "Disagreements are incredïble value, but when you have resentment in your heart. Disagreements are not disagreements. They are declarations of war. "
I have been in therapy for 3 years and NOT ONCE was my childhood trauma addressed (she focuses on my PTSD from an abusive marriage). But this explains why I react the way I do with my job situations SO MUCH!! Always looking for validation from my boss (especially if it was a female boss), not feeling appreciated, and feeling devalued, dismissed and always feeling like I had prove my worth (emotionally abusive/histrionic personality mother who constantly compared me to my younger sisters), and always always always looking for validation. WOW!!! THANK YOU!!!
I'm not happy with my psychiatric care. I was thinking who is this guy's shrink. He got on the right path for sure. Long story but I've learned more about my self through videos like this then any shrink. I'm so disappointed in them. One says this, one says that. I'm not sure I was ever asked about my childhood. I probably volunteered that information. Really, sometimes I think the lord mad me nuts so I could witness what is going on. I was STRUGGLY for years. Now I get it. This video is a new perspective for sure. I subscribed.
If you know you have trauma from childhood you can be certain it affects all your adult relationships, personal and professional. Counselling that only focuses on an adult experience won't resolve any issues because it doesn't trace the roots. In gardening terms, it's pointless trimming back brambles to make the garden look tidy, you have to remove all the root to prevent all regrowth of the prickly invader. Have you considered a deliberate change in approach or a different counsellor?
this video should be required to be watched by bosses. they should have to read the comments too. they should be fully aware of how much power they hold over people and how easily they can trigger trauma and cause intense emotional distress. bosses who are emotionally abusive should be held accountable. i always thought i just hated "work culture" but really my CPTSD and generalized anxiety disorder are affecting me so much. thank you for this video. i'll continue working on myself but God i really wish other people could just learn to not be assholes instead.
Just give what you get everyone treats me subhuman I treat them the same I'm a monster ?Fine your a cockroach I'd step on anyway and keep stepping quit giving people privilege they all suck.
Yes! Yes! I am an HR professional by trade. I mostly worked in the employee relations and EEO investigations section of HR for 20 years. They are the most toxic and abusive department in any dysfunctional organization.
Joy🌹, Yep, they get high from abusing their power and watching people squirm or emotionally suffer. They'd orgasm if they read these comments! But I totally understand where she's coming from. It's not fair.
wow i never realized how connected all of this was to my childhood. i quit my job of 5 years earlier this year because every shift i was going into, the drive there i would start having massive panic attacks to the point i was throwing up and crying in the parking lot before going in. this video helped me realise how often i was being triggered while i was there.
I am a woman working in a very male-dominated field and I think I have all of these triggers, LOL. I recently left a pretty toxic workplace that was triggering a lot of childhood stuff but even being in a healthier environment it's still tough because the field itself is not conducive to psychological health. A lot of heavy expectations of "passion" in order to keep people on a treadmill to keep up with neverending stream of new tech. And then of course the constant undercurrent of sexism and being devalued for being female (coincidentally - ha ha - my family also valued boys/men over girls/women) I often dream of walking away from it all but of course I have my identity and ego wrapped up in the job and "conquering" these issues. :) Thanks for producing this video; it was extremely helpful to me.
Listening to the "Issues with Authority" bit made me remember the time I was working at a restaurant, we were absolutely slammed & backed up, I was running around like mad helping everywhere I could, and my assistant manager starts a petty little argument with me in the middle of all of this. We're going back and forth while I'm trying to work. I'm being as polite and courteous as I can, but getting more and more overwhelmed as she keeps sniping at me and the orders keep piling up. Eventually I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and just need this interaction to STOP, so I'm like 'okay... how would an adult handle this? What would my dad do in this situation?'. I take a breath and bluntly/firmly say "Jenny. F*ck Off." Andddd I was written up immediately after the rush subsided.😂 Honestly tho, I don't regret it.
A true assistant manager, Would’ve had your back, by helping you with your service, needs , the customers, not complaining to you…; She’s the one who should have been ‘written up, not you…
I've had many of the toxic/crazy-making bosses in my life. So much drama, lost sleep, hurt feelings, on and on. (Of course I realize I was the other half of the equation, and I recognize my shortcomings.) Happily, for the past 10 years I've been blessed with the most down-to-earth, generous, respectful boss possible. And the rest of my coworkers are amazing. I often say I'd hang out with them even if I wasn't getting paid, lol. I recognize what a gift this is, and I'm eternally grateful.
I stopped expecting the best of people at work and accepted things for what they are. This helped me feel less depressed. Getting rid of the fantasy of them doing what is right! Lol Thank you. You are truly a God send.
I had to pause this video a few times to catch my breathe 🥵 I kept having flashbacks to my childhood and my current job smh didn’t expect this to be so emotionally taxing but it’s much appreciated. Thank you for doing this video, a lot of us needed this🙏🏽
Being coerced into being an accomplice in our own abuse at home and having it repeated in the work place can send a person into a really bad place mentally when CPTSD is triggered . Been there too . Thanks for addressing this topic Patrick - it's so relevant in many lives .
I’ve never worked in the service industry, but I’m a nurse and I certainly see a looot of similarities. I’ve grown more cynical and detached over the years, due to burnout and compassion fatigue probably, which helps a bit when it comes to toxic bosses, draining coworkers, ungrateful and demanding patients and an underfunded and understaffed healthcare system/workplace on the brink of constant collapse. Probably not the greatest profession to have if you were a parentified child of enmeshment trauma who suffers from depression 🙃 I think a lot of coworkers see me as chill, because of the necessary and learned detachment, but the times I’ve lost my shit at work I’ve realized is definitely closely linked to triggers of not being heard or seen in childhood, feeling bullied, perceived injustice and not being valued for all the hard (unpaid) work I do. Great and enlightening video!
I always saw nurses as Angels i can see them getting numb abused undervalued overworked high stress depending on the place. Its like service in the military and war is my view sometimes dealing with people health issues needs trying to convince that person and the family the care you need to do . Definitely customer service or a person service.
I’m now an interior designer and have an eBay business, and i work for myself. I employee 2 full time people to help, so I’m a very small business owner. When I worked for others, starting in high school, I was always very concerned that my employer and co-workers liked me. That was the single most important thing i looked for at every job i had. I’m sure this is related to not feeling loved and accepted in my family of origin. Our family looked very healthy- my father was a dentist and my mom stayed at home. There was no obvious dysfunction- no substance abuse, yelling, no physical or sexual abuse, in fact, my parents were both very kind. However, i never felt encouraged by them or truly loved. It was “ all very nice, but not very good”, if that makes sense. Both of my parents suffered depression, but not debilitating depression. Additionally, they really didn’t want to be married to each other, so i didn’t see much affection demonstrated at home. I know many people grew up in far worse, and I’m so very sorry. I hope getting healthier can change the future for everyone!
Sometimes the trauma that comes from emotional neglect can be the most insidious, because it is so hard to see. But just because it doesn't seem like we "should" have trauma, or other people have it worse doesn't mean that our trauma doesn't exist. (Wouldn't that be nice?) I resonate with your comment, as by pretty much all accounts my parents were "good enough" parents. But they were often emotionally distant, and we belonged to a very conservative church that always came first in our lives. In my case, I consider the church a "third parent" that was abusive in its narcissistic absolutism, and the demands it had on my parents and our family. Church came before everything else, even us kids. The one big fault I feel in my parents was that they enabled this bully, thereby becoming complicit in its maltreatment. Even though they honestly thought they were doing the best possible--indeed, the _only_ possible--thing for raising a family, they still caused harm.
Yah. If the fam isn’t working right tho it’s always gonna be worse for the kids in it. I had some of that in a way (the whole neglect stuff) and I had some of the other more dramatic stuff too. But that part was prob the worst despite all the other more “dramatic” obvious stuff. A kid who was sent the message (one way or another) that we just don’t really matter is def a huge silent killer. Prob about the worst one of all. I had narc parents who were just ego driven and selfish and others had self absorbed parents with too much of their own junk to deal with and not caring for their kids like they needed to. Either way tho, the result is about the same. The kid just gets the same message either way....you just don’t matter. It’s like that kind of indifference to your very existence is more cruel than being “hated.” At least if you’re hated, you know where you stand and you can steel your resolve. If they just don’t care tho, you may not for the longest even understand why you feel so messed up inside and you cant seem to quite shake off that whole vague worthless feeling you have. And you just kind of float around in this limbo no man’s land purgatory and that is worse imo than feeling like you have to go rogue. Like at least “rogue” is a real place. Limbo is God knows what and very confusing and a place of perpetually being stuck and never finding any place to plant your feet on firmly. Or maybe a lot like being not quite alive and not quite dead. Like some drifter that never really can find a real home Bcuz they don’t quite fit in with either the living or the dead. Never really “belonging” and yet truly belonging somewhere or anywhere even is a basic human need.
@@goodenoughgirl8102 Wow, Stephanie, very eloquent and well put. Same here. Found it hard to 'fit in' at jobs and at family gatherings with relatives. Sick of trying hard with people and never really fitting in, being liked or accepted. Trying to make friends and finding they are indifferent to you. Its just a disaster. Even though I'm courteous, polite and helpful, people are in their little groups at work and its like always being on the outside looking in. You can't join in cuz nobody cares about you. This is a problem at work cus they expect their staff to be like a 'family' and all get along. So the boss told me I was like ' a square peg in a round hole'! and was let go. When I told him the manager was calling me inappropriate names and asking me personal questions in front of all the staff, the boss said 'he's only joking.' My only regret is I didn't leave much sooner. I was afraid of what it would look like on my resume if I left after 3 months.
@@kindheart9676 Aw shucks. Thanks. ☺️ Sorry you had to go thru that. At the time it seems so awful but I reckon I’m glad some of them spit me out too, as I would hate to be stuck in some place like that or either become someone like that. Just so immature tho eh? Some folks act like they’re still in high school having all these cliques (that I was so often not “good enough” to be in) and playing favorites. Usually some secretly envious person who takes full advantage of anyone who is naive about devious people like that. I know I was so oblivious about these backstabby mean girl types. I’ve been at this recovery stuff for a long time tho so now it’s far better (like years of work). At first I was dying to be accepted or approved of. Then I just went off the cliff and was like ugh people suck. Kill me now. Or better yet like wishing God would just blow up the whole earth and I didn’t mind dying also. Then I finally learned that my own kind of “begging” for acceptance was doing me in so many times. Of course this came from having sicko parents and so on, but it was good to finally see that it needed to be the other way around. Or at least it needed to be like seeing I was already good enough and maybe I should consider if they’re actually “worthy” of having all I have to offer them or the privilege of my company even. Not to just flip it and be arrogant like them, but I was always preoccupied with trying to be good enough for others when maybe I should’ve been seeing if it was even safe or ok to let them in my space at all. After being spat on for so long tho, I was kinda pissed off and fed up and I DID kinda feel like HAH! I’m never begging for anything ever again and if anyone wants my time and effort and energy etc then they can come beg me for a change. Lol. But at any rate...Don’t think I want anyone begging me for it now (lol) but for real like show me some respect or take a hike and don’t even try to be around me if you can’t treat me right. It really was more of an internal thing tho. Like just getting to this place where I had such a diff attitude about all of it and ya know folks just see that vibe. Or as they say tho..we have to teach folks how we want to be treated....and I’m thinking maybe that’s true Bcuz a lot of folks are just about as dense as can be lacking so much self awareness or emotional maturity. I think some folks have to be half smacked upside the head (figuratively lol) before they’d ever even think to treat anyone with any modicum of decency. Like for real there are good folks out there but there are just a good deal of folks who do the minimum and won’t bother treating people right unless someone actually makes them. But by that I just mean more like disallowing disrespect Bcuz we really can’t control them. But we can definitely put our foot down and refuse to stick around for a bunch of abusive BS anymore. Well lol. I reckon I’m just in a bit of a mood today. 😅😅 Finally standing up to these types of folks was about the best thing I’ve ever done.
What happens in the work prison structure of most jobs, isn't surprising. The manipulators, who have personality disorder will obviously thrive in these environments where people are scared to leave because they have to live penny to penny. It's so sad how broken our social systems have become. Thank you for your work and sharing that you do with everyone 🙏
I always wondered why I felt like this in jobs. I thought it was from toxic work environment but my CPTSD makes sense. Thank you for this video and validation
it's not just the trauma. Where there's power imbalances and money involved there's gonna be manipulation 🤷🏽 if an employer sees a way "encourage" u to do more work for the same money, they're probably gonna do it
OMG my exact story. So terrified of failure, I'd rather not TRY to succeed. And no-no healthy risks. And family STILL prevents me from doing it. Awesome video! I just cannot tolerate unnecessary nastiness. Disrespect. Ugly and angry employees and customers-can NOT deal with the public-I'm fried. All of my patience, tolerance and cooperativeness all got used up. So I've always been an IP/HCA versus employee. I contracted with the government as a CNA. Me, my patient, in the home-my own boss somewhat. Occasionally a nurse would pop in. REALLY good at behind the sceanes. I work really hard. I simply can no longer DEAL with other people's DRAMA.🤦♀️
I totally understand this. People do not realize how much drama comes with this type of work. Dealing with family of people who,are essentially at the end of life is very overwhelming
God same. I'm looking for answers that don't involve compromising my values, muting my voice, or accepting shitty environments with an "it is what it is attitude." 😔
Everything you said about restaurant work is painfully true! I felt suicidal every day I spent in restaurants. It was the biggest catalyst for going back to school. I never thought about it in terms of childhood trauma, but you're so spot on.
Wonderful vid. I'm 53 years old, I've worked various jobs, but had a good run of nearly 20 years in IT. I now work in admin at a hospital, which seems on the surface like a real step down. But it's not. The people I work with are quirky, but we can all be authentic and don't have to walk on eggshells. My boss is that one of a kind person and I know from hard, bitter and painful experience that the work is secondary to the people you work with. I have a place now where I feel I can breathe and be honest without fear of retribution. You can't put a price on that ❤🇬🇧
I’m absolutely amazed. Work has always been so difficult for me but I’ve realized it’s just been EXTREMELY TRIGGERING. Literally every trigger you pointed out around work I highly resonated with. I’ve had multiple jobs in my 23 years of life because it just feels so overwhelming and uncomfortable so i stay until my breaking point of i quit after my first few days. It amazes me and honestly devastates me how much of the struggles in my life are caused by childhood trauma. I have done a lot of work in therapy but have a lot more to do.
There's something to be said for professional distance. I finally learned this, just a few years before retirement. Or, maybe not be friends, just be friendly. I can't remember where I heard that, but it really helps. Edit: I forgot to say thanks for this very helpful video!
Having family on my wife's side in particular who worked in restaurants in the USA, I, like my wife who is also an Australian now, am a big fan of the Australian approach whereby people simply get paid a proper working wage for a proper working day and do not have to rely on tips.
It's true: the restaurant industry is insanely toxic to it's worker's in the US. The attitude among many restaurant employees is "I was tough enough to earn respect here, so you should be too" and entertain work environments that are hostile or downright abusive. They're expected to take abuse from the management and the customers alike with a smile on their face and still beg for a tip. There's stiff competition for the most high-tipping shifts. It forms a highschool-esque clique where new hires get a slow shift and no respect. A job like the friday-night bartender is usually someone whose worked there for ages, played a very cut-throat political game, and isn't afraid to throw their weight around to keep their statused and well-paying shifts. But even the best bartender typically has no benefits, works ridiculously draining hours, and most of their money is made in cash tips on Friday and Saturday night. The managers typically don't make jack, often less than some of their tipped employees, and often take the job to vent their toxicity at the people under them: it's a way to get back at the school bully. The whole industry is just an absolute land mine of emotionally traumatized people slowly burning out. I didn't realize it wasn't the norm until I graduated college and started getting office jobs, and people were actually expected to treat each other with respect. Huge wake-up call!!
I had similar toxic personality experience working in a hospital-it was a nightmare. OverValued, ally in high places and/or vindictiveness kept this abuse going. Undermining and bullying was constant. I was in deep financially so it was very difficult. Those performance reviews were HORRIBLE. They read you confidential quotes from “co-workers” at the end. I always knew who said what. I was being harassed, sabotaged and bullied but constantly told I had a problem with my “defensiveness”. Horror story.
“Over-valued” people. This does happen. Often the person deemed the “highest performer” is just the biggest bully that leadership themselves do not have the courage or business acumen to deal with, so they promote them and dismiss everyone else on the worker level who can’t deal. It can be a lot like childhood, whe. You have no control over who your caregivers are, whether or not they are actually caregiving!
This is one of my BIGGEST challenges! 13 years in tech & I’ve allowed every single job to take up so much headspace. I’m constantly triggered…always upset. Definitely need more ideas on how to change my behavior.
Wow! Not being seen and no accountability are the two that really resonated with me. I’m struggling to find connections to my childhood family dynamic, but definitely see connections to childhood abuse and bullying by classmates in the school setting. I was never shielded from that by adults and generally misunderstood when trying to raise the mistreatment or unfairness.
What do accommodations for someone else have to do with you? You don’t know the situation of the other person. Just do your own job and mind your own business!
My workplace has performance review , no accountability , favourite child, nit being seen, manipulative workplace, not getting recognition, and the rest you’ve mentioned! Oh God you’ve just spelled everything out for me. I’ve been asking more answers whether I should go or not. This is such an eye opener! I’ve been ruminating leaving my job as it is getting into me so much. Now I know why, all of those triggers are familiar situation from childhood. Thank you for this! I know what the adult in me needs to do now! Thank you so much!
My biggest trigger was “suck ups” which I guess goes into being “not being valued”. Because the suck ups got everything with no work, while I was expected to do everything and not even get credit. I was so upset I worked for YEARS for a crappy upgrade to a supervisor JUST so I could treat all the suck ups like crap and eventually get them all fired, after I finally got the entire store fired INCLUDING the store manager by working with HR and documentation, I dropped back down to a normal employee.
I worked at Starbucks for two years, and slowly I began to see my boss as a completely different person than how she portrayed herself. She would come out onto the floor after a huge rush, or during the middle of one, and watch and criticize in real time how we functioned as a team. Nothing would be cleaned properly, nothing was stocked, we didn’t hustle enough for the customers. It was beyond triggering for me. I couldn’t process the hurt at the time, but she reminded me so much of my mother, and it’s eventually what drove me away. Not the entitled customers.
People usually quit bosses not jobs. I’ve quit most my jobs due to the bosses. Only one which I left because I had another opportunity which paid significantly better but was legitimately sad because the bosses were actually competent and sweet people. But ya know service industry gonna service industry
Maybe if they actually payed manager a decent wage above serving they could get actually decent people instead of power tripping assholes but when I literally can make more money serving what’s the incentive for good people to quit serving and become manager? Take on more responsibilities for a pay cut? No thank you
Patrick, your observations about the grotesqueness of 'performance reviews' are absolutely spot on. I now feel validated in my efforts to try to function in a system that's crazy while trying to deal as best I can with my own trauma and issues. Even for those who aren't trauma survivors, there is so much wisdom here. so, THANKS. This made my day. (PS: you are also funny as hell :D )
When dealing with childhood trauma in the work place I appreciated the saying, “Real or Imagined” because sometimes the things we pack up and bring with us can embellish an imagined situation or our trauma response to something real can make it so much worse. Our inner child doesn’t have the deescalation skills, or the ability to navigate tough emotional situations. Even though we are adults, our trauma responses can be contrary to how we would actually respond in a calm state of mind. I think you worded it perfectly at the end of the video. Find out what you as the adult needs to do for your own inner child to make them feel safe. Whether that is stand up for yourself, set healthy boundaries with others and/or yourself, look for validation from yourself instead of others, setting realistic expectations of others/yourself, or just simply just separation between work life and personal life instead of muddying them together. *Abuse is never okay or to be tolerated, you should definitely report it if you see it/experience it. No matter if it is family violence, harassment, or any type of work place violence please report it. If HR will not take your complaint seriously you can always get a copy of your complaint when you file for your records and take it up the chain and even to your local police department.*
I worked at a in home health care setting. I really enjoyed my patients, however, there was a lot of toxic coworkers. The boss was just as toxic. After four years of narcissistic abuse from the boss and one specific coworker, I finally had the courage to say I'm done. It was the best decision I have ever made.
Because my parents were emotionally absent in my life growing up, I tended to expect too much respect and emotional support because of this at work. Your point on performance reviews really hit home.
I appreciate your discussion of this topic. I experienced the juxtaposition of workplace trauma and childhood trauma-- areas I thought I'd healed were broken open, disrupting my sense of self, my confidence, and a career I had spent 10 years building. For months I experienced sleep disturbances, auditory hallucinations, paranoia, hyperarousal, intense shame, suicidal ideation...a decade later and I'm still trying to rebuild my ability to keep a job, feel safe at work, trust bosses and coworkers. I'm 60. I battle feelings that I can't "keep up" with the demands of the modern workplace, that I'm closer to the end of my value as an employee than the beginning. I just don't have the ambition that I had when I was younger, and it doesn't help that I also have trauma around work/workplace. You give me lots of acknowledgment and validation of my experiences and reactions, as well as a light on the path through the fog. I appreciate your practical and professional perspectives-- thank you for the illumination!
Oh man, I’m getting triggered just watching this! Flashbacks to my old job. My employers now are great, and I love it there. Zero complaints. But my old boss from years ago was a nightmare. The performance review part is particularly hilarious! She rated me low on written communication skills, yet when I was professionally assessed, I scored in the 98th percentile for language. There really is no winning in those reviews 😂
Wow... agree with Andrea that a whole bunch of these hit me in the brain and the heart (I'm in my 50s, too). I've volunteered way too much, looking for that sense of being valued. One volunteer gig, the organisation's most powerful person's energy reminded me of someone, but I couldn't figure out who. She got quite aggressive one day, badgering and badgering. At some point the light bulb went off, that she enjoyed having a fight. Realising this, it seemed funny (humerous) that I could say 'The sky is blue' and she'd fight it. When I stopped reactivity and started answering from that bemused and light-hearted place, the whole situation deflated like air going out of a balloon. I soon left that volunteer post. And finally figured out the person she reminded me of was my mother.
Wow, your experience with the person who reminds you of your mother is very familiar to me. My mother also likes to "fight" with me. Even my younger sister had noticed it over the years. My sister would say our mother is "catty" with me. Funny thing is that she wasn't like that with anyone else, just me. It's like she was in some sort of secret rivalry with me. At times I even thought she was jealous of me. She would always mock me during my good and bad situations. For instance, if I'm having a good time or talking about something that I'm clearly ecstatic about she would find a way to mock me like repeating my words in a smug way or saying, "look at you all happy" in a way that would embarrass me and make fun of me or mocked the way I laughed. Even in my bad times when I was depressed or something made me frustrated I would tell her about it and she would undermine my feelings. After time would pass and I felt better she would randomly throw in my face how sad I was in previous situations as if she wanted to remind me that I was silly or just spotlighting my sad moments. Anytime I would vent to her she always found a way to go against me, anytime I would say my opinion about generally anything she'd come in with her opposing factor when I'm only making a statement. I'm 38 years old and it has made me very exhausted having to deal with her. And anytime she does anything for me I have to owe her something. It's like she can't do anything for me out of the kindness of her heart without me doing something in return. If I didn't do her a favor she would throw in my face anything she did for me. Often times, I find myself avoiding her all together for those reasons. Having less contact with her avoids me having to deal with her cattiness with me. I will say sometimes she's sweet and we can have a good time, but the "fight" in her for me always comes out.
as a college student with anxiety, i also prefer volunteering over being paid, even though having some money would really help me. volunteers receive gratitude and no one can really get angry at them. but once im being paid it's like they hold this power over me. i get so scared of making a mistake. they dont appreciate me as much at that point.
Whew! Being an adult child of an alcoholic narcissistic father AND working in our family restaurant with him as my boss explains so much of why I feel triggered more so. It’s so exhausting!! I feel highly reactive when chaos arises and am told I’m being dramatic and need not be so sensitive, I’m always expected to put a smile on and move on. It was also expected that I take over the business, but after I told them I’m not interested and want to create my own path this caused all hell to explode. All of this resonated and I’m slowly learning how to heal and find myself along the way.
During my on and off (mostly off) spells as an employee, I've always felt compelled to give 110% to even the most menial jobs, whilst obsequiously seeking approval from bosses I mostly had almost no respect and simultaneously entertaining a powerful conviction I was about to be fired! I get terrified of managers - even if they're nice. This definitely needs to be looked in to! P.S. Happy Christmas, Patrick, and thanks for your superb contribution.😉⛄❄ ❤
I had huge issues at jobs, and I even knew it was directly because of my family dynamic and childhood. The worst was when my last job started implementing “mindfulness” and, having grown up in the Berkeley/Oakland area, this was a huge source of trauma for me - being forced to be involved in toxic positivity instead of dealing with real issues. I knew it was time to go at that point. But stayed another 3 years in what was already a super toxic environment where I was extremely miserable and my concerns were constantly invalidated in the worst way. Oh yeah, the most toxic person in my place of work was my boss. But she was so competent and good at her job that she was never going to be reprimanded for her extremely (Michael Scott from The Office level) toxic behavior.) so that was fun!
I understand toxic positivity but I'm lost as to how mindfulness is part of that? Mindfulness to me has been shown as just a tool or a set of grounding exercises for when anxiety or depression comes up. How was it used at your old job?
N/A, At my last place of work, they used it in two ways. One to create an air of health, positivity, morality and fairness. So like shaking some blue glitter on a piece of turd. Or like how churches will have stained glasses and heavenly chimes while the priests are diddling with the kids. This made it difficult to complain or be believed because everything's fine! Look at the meditation section we have near the pantry! :D Goes back to sabotaging subordinates Then another way was to shift blame. Okay, but what are _you_ doing wrong? Why don't we look at ourselves instead of blaming others. You're very defensive, you should work on that. Here are some quotes we'll use on you but you can't use on us. All relationships are a two way street, you know? How about being a little mindful of the part you play and take some responsibility? 👹 It's such bullshit because if you're a good worker, it only take one horrible boss or one horrible colleague to fuck your shit up.
Dorkus, I had the exact same boss as you. I relate to the struggle. Everyone hated her, she was even audacious with her behaviour, but nothing changed. These kinds of characters are only uprooted when they either die/transfer or encounter a sociopath. Lol.
I had the physical reaction of gritting my teeth and tensing my muscles several times during this video because it sounds entirely too familiar. Hoop jumping. This was so enlightening and healing, and you're doing it out of the goodness of your heart. Thank you.
So much of this rings true - I left my job after over a year of working nonstop through the pandemic and breaking down constantly because while I was putting in much too much effort for what I was being paid, I felt undervalued and like my coworkers and bosses didn't even notice any of my work. (It felt admittedly very good to hear coworkers afterwards telling me that without me there, they never closed on time anymore.) I never realized how much I was looking for validation that I didn't get elsewhere. I'm still trying to find a job now, but I'm also scared of getting myself back into those kind of environments where I might feel that way again.
This came up as an algorithm suggestion and, hey, the internet works in mysterious ways because this is exactly what I needed today. The part you mentioned at the end regarding not sweating people who aren't in your inner circle really struck me because it made me realize that I've put so much of myself into work that I don't have much of an inner circle anymore. I've made work my primary identity and, with so many of the triggers you mentioned reflecting my own, it's no wonder I'm always stressed because work is my entire life. This made me realize I need to step back from work and stop using it to validate myself. Thank you.
I’m 15 years into the restaurant industry. Even owned my own bake shoppe and catering/meal delivery company. Waiting tables was really good exercise and helped me learn to manage my introversion and communicate/read people. However, I’m now at a meal delivery company working with people who won’t “let me in” and are ganging up on me. It’s toxic. I’ll look at my projections and do the exercises you offered. But in my heart of heart, I know it’s best to leave.
I had a MMPI that showed I had difficulty with authority...and the therapist left it at that...for years...and you gave me so many triggering examples the first 20 minutes that nailed the issue. Wow. Thank you for making things so clear. 🙏
As someone who worked as a waitress/server for years, I connect so much with your description. Waiting tables is a different kind of hard work. I was always glad I wasn't back sweating in the kitchen, but if I did work the kitchen, then I wouldn't have to deal with customers.
Absolutely amazing information. It is only now at the end of my working life that I understand how much my childhood trauma has affected my working life. Always worked in corporate environment and what you say is so true. That is brilliant advice about not spending emotional energy on anybody who is not in your Inner circle. No therapist has even come close to this! Thanks Patrick 💕💯👏
Hoo boy... Just started the video. Listening to you talk about restaurant work as I am in a miserable restaurant job as a cook and have done this work on and off for five years.
I have wanted to quit for the past 3 years and it only gets worse every day ... (minimum wage earner, perfectionist, hard worker, ignored, cleans up other peoples messes, overwhelmed, mistake maker, possible aspie, people pleaser to some degree, ptsd, cptsd, female over 50). I must be a horrible employee; every little thing triggers me. I would like more info on how not to give my emotional energy to my workplace. Might make the next few months more tolerable before I quit to rest, then pursue new work. My weekends do not reenergize me. I feel like a zombie in quicksand. Thank you for speaking about this. So valuable. ☮️💟
I can also relate to this. Thank you for sharing. Yes, i too would like to know how to disengage the inordinate emotional investment in my job. Hobbled and stuck. Can’t get out of the pattern. Quicksand - it’s a good analogy.
Thank you, Patrick! I’m in my mid twenties and work in restaurants, so your mention on learning to swear in Portuguese really made me laugh. Totally relatable. Thank you so much!
Yes this is so me! I can relate to all five triggers! Competitiveness, unfairness, invalidation, working extra hard, first in, last out. Now I know why!
I'm only 10 minutes in, and already you blew my whole mind. I feel so validated, as someone who worked in the restaurant industry, I came up against the exact same feeling with side work. I have had so much resentment with toxic boss authorities, unfairness, and degrading implied work messages. Thank you for this.
@@mikaela2331 I'm in a STEM field, so your experience might be a lot different. In general though, academic advisors are more involved in your life than a boss should be. You're relying on them not just to manage your work, but they're supposed to be mentors and teachers as well. They have a lot of autonomy, so they're less subjected to oversight, and it's harder to intervene sometimes if your department does notice you're struggling. They also control more than your salary (through research or teaching assistantships), the also control whether you graduate. So you can put 6 years into a PhD and not get it. Meanwhile, you're not making much, might not get paid over the summers, and typically have to navigate roommates to make ends meet. If they have tenure, the department has fewer options to discipline them, but if they don't have tenure they're going to be super stressed all the time and will need your help to get tenured which sometimes means they get credit for some of your work. There are tons of great and good-enough advisors. Lots and lots of people have good experiences. Just make sure you vet potential advisers as much as they're being you. If your gut doesn't agree with someone, decline the offer and try again. There are lots of great things about being a grad student. It's a time where you really get to explore your field, try things out, and make mistakes. Good luck!
Omg it's so true!!! Grad school fucked me up. The power imbalance was unreal! And you've got all your eggs in that basket! It's your whole life. So, if you have advisers who don't respect you, who don't see you, who don't care... then you're fucked. I look back at that time, and it really shakes me up. I took it all so personally. I could never chill!
Oh, wow, this describes my experience as a server/bartender too! Most of the places I worked had a decent management staff, so most of the unfairness came from abusive customers. That was very difficult for me to accept. Sometimes even now I remember particular incidences when I'm falling asleep and it wakes me up. When I'm really stressed out, I occasionally get those server dreams, you know the ones: where suddenly you're the only server and the restaurant is completely full. Thanks for this!
This is very tricky though in a family business…I farm with my dad and older brother. It’s so triggering for me to be around my dad, but I love the land and the animals and I don’t want to leave. It’s just so hard to experience ptsd and religious trauma over and over on a frequent basis.
Can you start your own farm somewhere? That's probably a dumb suggestion, but even if it's impossible, you deserve to have your own land and animals that your dad doesn't own and can't be around. Even if it means giving up family names, inheritances, blabla, it would be more freeing, wouldn't it??? I dunno, it's how I feel.
So sorry you're in this situation. I hope Patrick's advice can help, hope you can get on your own sometime soon, don't know if you are under 18yr. (you don't have to answer that).
I’ve been through a lot of therapy and I’m gobsmacked! I see myself in so much you talked about! I’ll have to watch it again! I’m 62 and I’ve been fighting this battle my whole life! I felt my whole body release all that crap! Makes so much sense and so simple without gas lighting me and creating more trauma which is all my therapy so far!
I am typically a pretty chill person, so no one was more surprised than me when I totally lost my shit a while back at work. Ever since then I’ve been contemplating it, the only thing I was positive about was that my reaction was way bigger than appropriate to the situation. I recognized that I’d experienced a trigger, but attributed the trigger to a job I had many years ago where I was consistently abused, bullied, and felt trapped. This is the first time I’d even thought about the possibility that the trigger very likely leads all the way back to my childhood trauma.
I lost my cool on a teams meeting and I realize looking back...my job was to blame. My boss voluntold me to be over a whole project outside of my responsibilities. I couldn't get my real work done for doing that. I realized I snapped because I had too much on plate and was not given the opportunity to say no. I finally told the supervisor I couldn't do the extra project any longer.
This video really spoke to me. I worked in grocery retail for 11 years.... ever since I was 16. Honestly, it's a really terrible job as far as mental health goes. I was a manager and the pay was actually decent. I was treated poorly by customers and male managers but I stayed around for soooo long and just dealt with it. I was constantly triggered by the way I was being treated. (sometimes rightfully so) It was all I knew and all I thought capable of.. Last year I cut out my very toxic parents. Since then, I have found myself in a very different career path. I'm going back to school and I feel confident and ambitious. I don't have my parents negativity holding me down.
Literally this is exactly where I am at this week! Just quit 5 years of the restaurant industry last week to pursue more meaningful work in my field (current MFT student). So much "unfairness" in the industry and the work policies only apply to certain people.
I also just quit my restaurant job. After facing retaliation against me, feeling uncomfortable, and crying after every shift I've had enough. I'm trying to not feel so guilty for leaving like I did, but I'm tired of the unfairness like you said.
@@kaitlynmiller7357 keep your head up. You don't need to feel guilty if you were being treated poorly. You did the best thing to get out of the toxicity! Good job!
I hate that damn performance report. It’s more like a “ass kissing report”. When I was younger, I used to always get a “Needs Improvement” on “Talking out of Turn” portion of the report card. It used to bother me sooooo much. Especially because I would actively try to work on it JUST to see if it would change and it never did. That’s one of the reason why I really despised authority. If a teacher, boss, or subordinate doesn’t like you, your representation is literally in ONE persons hand. THANK GOD FOR THERAPY 🙌🏼 Your so awesome Patrick. I really love your content.
This was so great in so so many ways!! I remember the old saying that older generations touted: "Children should be seen and not heard". Oh my gosh, how THAT played (plays) into my triggers!!
‘Don’t sweat the people who aren’t in your inner circle’. What a great quote. It’s going to be my quote for 2022. And what an excellent video. Thank you 🦋
I always over worked myself. I was instantly hated by other girls. My anxiety would always get in the way. When I got overwhelmed I would freeze. Also never could stand up for myself.
This is so true that sometimes other women are triggered with hard-working women...it's almost like they think you are "one-upping" them or making them look bad just because you are doing your basic job.
Learning to do the job nit let the job do me..I am working for money not popularity contest and I personally suffer from anxiety and got stressed easily trying to perfect my job performance or people please...I started doing myself and not worrying about what coworkers say about me...if they talk they are jealous...I no longer care about pleasing those that can't please me nor themselves and pay my bills regardless...if job is toxic I walk away...
@Mrs. Sunshine Phoenix Jones Same! I had to set a couple of mean girls straight yesterday after having a full blown panic attack. I'm sure they get some kind of morbid satisfaction from literally trying to drive me crazy...Gave my notice to leave in 3 weeks. Now those bitches can do my work!
I got so much out of this video!!!! I had to take a mental health break from work for the last 13 months. Now that I'm job hunting again, I get really bad nightmares, like trying to escape a fire at my last job but the emergency stairway collapses so I can't get out of the building. I'm so afraid that my next job will be toxic and harmful and that I won't be able to leave. I just keep reminding myself I can quit at any time, and that helps. It was so validating to see so many of my workplace struggles in this video and be able to trace it back to childhood issues. It helps me feel more in control of the issues. My adult side will try to make a better life for my inner child if it's the last thing she does! I never thought of my relationships to past bosses as codependent, and found that very insightful. I never realized how much energy I put into being seen, definitely one of the reasons behind my recent need for mental health break. This video makes me ask - what if I don't need to be seen by my boss and my work, instead I can fulfill the need to be seen by my friends and myself? At first I didn't recognize myself in the section about getting triggered because others are not being held accountable. I had *plenty* of situations that were unfair: cleaning up after others, forced to do others' work, sexual harassment, the list goes on. But I never felt angry or hurt. Upon reflecting, I realized that as a child I coped by making unfair situations comfortable and normal to me. My inner child feels comfortable when things are unfair. She believes that being a doormat means people will never throw you out because you are at least useful to them, thus valuable. When I'm giving and not receiving, when I'm the one being screwed over, it feels safe. When friends ask if I’m angry at some unfairness, I look inside and...nothing. Dissociation and numbness. This gives me good insight for the future, but it's definitely a work in progress.
"Bring out the adult so the difficult decisions can be made that will help the child function well". Not exactly word for word, but an excellent perspective. Thanks!
Funny I just quit working in restaurants after so many years and knew they were triggering me. I’m relating. It’s like I needed to see this right now, because I was thinking of a whole new change.
You seem like you would make an ideal friend. I love how heartfelt and genuine you are, and as always your videos continue to help me understand myself and work on issues I wasn't aware of even having. You're a great example of how sometimes, enduring trauma and terrible things can actually enable you to do more good than you would have otherwise been able to, by helping people who have endured similar pain to overcome the obstacles they're facing the way that you have (or, more likely, are still overcoming day by day). Thank you for doing everything that you do.
As I am about to start a new job, this is timely. I liked “it is just a paycheck, not a battleground for something” as well as “don’t sweat people who aren’t in your inner circle”. That resonates with me and will keep these lines in mind.
This is so incredibly important, thank you Patrick! 💛 I suffered from work burnout a year ago, I couldn't continue working. I wish I had known I was triggered and that I had unresolved trauma, I would have left if I could have seen what was truly happening. My workplace was originally safe and felt like a supportive family that I never had. I started 10 yrs ago and I was happy for 5 straight years and it was amazing. Then we had organisational change and restructuring occur and for 3 years I fought so hard against it. It turned into my toxic family system and I fought to be seen, to be heard, to be valued, to make positive changes to try and find my safety again, to get the "parental figures" (upper management) to see how badly they were treating their "children" (employees). Of course I failed and burnt out. Ironically this absolutely horrendous 3 years and breakdown was what kick-started my healing journey. So now, I am somewhat grateful 🙏
Thank you, I’m only 17, but instead of work I took this as something else. Constantly in my life in terms of my acting, musical theatre, vocal state I’ve been let down, disappointed, abuse w teachers and so much. Since it’s been a part of my life since day one, I connect it to my family, and so on. This video really helped me in a current situation- and helped me recognize that a unfair situation doesn’t represent my self worth, etc. thank you so much.
OMG Patrick. I have had 15 jobs during 12 years before I understood, that my reaction to abandonment is anger/flight/increasing velocity/and quitting the job. I think all this due to not being seen/heard. This led to a harsh inner critic. I react when met with demands. Acceptance of diffencies. Spot on! Thank you so much❤️
Oofda, the FOH vs BOH hit me hard. Pair that with the fact that most of the places I worked as a server (8 in total) also had a pretty big gender discrepancy between the waitstaff and the kitchen staff, and it was like we were all waiting to be belittled by either customers or kitchen staff every time we walked through the door. God forbid a customer ask for a customized dish or an extra sauce with their appetizer…you’d think the line cooks were being asked to sign over their firstborn children.
I've always joked that I was a terrible employee, which is why I started my own business. But, um, after this video I need to dive a little deeper into that. I was really reactive to most of my bosses, my work was constantly overlooked, I put way too much effort into my job, I was given work that no one else wanted to do because I was "the best at it", performance review shame, and not being enthusiastic enough. Time to journal!
Thank goodness your co-worker directed u to his therapist! I'm so happy for you that SOMEBODY saw something was wrong and DID do something about it! And now you have come so far!! I work in the restaurant/cafeteria industry primarily, so this story was so vivid to me and touched my heart. Thanks for telling the world how sh*tty the work is LOL
i am currently with a boss like that. she says to make it 'equitable' for everyone everyone gets "meets expectations" on a review regardless of effort🤡
Super helpful. I struggled so much with a job that I was good at and got recognized for, but the other people who were blowing off work and gossiping the whole day (loudly, in a call center) never got held accountable. Eventually, I brought it up in a group meeting, and became the bad guy. So familiar. They let me go the next week. My last job was good, but there was a woman who was evil but valuable. She could manipulate the bosses so easily, and be cruel to me. I can think of a few girls from middle school and high school who were like that
"Don't spend emotional energy on people who are not your friend, loved one, partner, intimate family." Wow so simple, going to repeat this to myself and practice this. You're the best Patrick thank you!
much easier said than done I find it utterly impossible
@@sjacpswbs03162005 I never said it was easy. I said it was simple. It is not easy and takes practice. For me, it takes surrendering my judgments and paying attention to what is right in front of me. Good luck
@@sjacpswbs03162005 For me it's only opening questions as to why. Like, why is it impossible? Or why does it feel impossible? What does THAT bring up? And then answering those questions sometimes at least gives me a reason why it's impossible.
I don't think it's even possible to do this. Every interaction is emotional. In my experience, it's far healthier to recognize how you feel about the interaction and then make decisions about how you're going to think about it and what you'll do moving forward. Marinating in the pain and hopelessness is what's toxic.
Yes! And stop giving them too much information on personal or health issues just don’t do it’s non of their business!!!
I've been in therapy since I was a teenager due to my narcissistic, alcoholic, abusive and neglectful parents. Consequently, I have quit so many corporate jobs due to being so triggered by lousy bosses and dysfunctional environments. This is the first time I've heard anyone talk about the correlation between the CPTSD and the work environment. Thank you so very much for this eye-opening video!
I know right? 👏Soo many light bulbs going off with everything he speaks of. ✨️🙏
Same here!! How do you explain that in the next job interview? Lol so hard
I quit 10 jobs
Employee review at Farmer Jack, I got 100 perCent! next day a new manager says' Carol you are not so great! ( what a Dud!). Clearly ahe was Miserable
Same!!
One of the most insidious things about CPTSD & having grown up in an abusive family is that a toxic workplace - where abuse is the norm - feels "normal". And in being compliant when you _should_ stick up for yourself or exit the job, you become an accomplice in your own degradation & humiliation. It's taken me years & a number of bad workplaces to learn that toxic abuse is never acceptable.
You articulated that so well "being an accomplice in your own humiliation and degradation." That was my last job. It was a very misogynistic work environment set by my boss and I felt at the time that I had to just take it because it "was all in good fun" and to respond to the situation appropriately would either "prove their point" or cause shame and retribution. Then a new employee was hired that wasn't joking and was legitimately a sexual predator. I brought it up with my boss several times to no avail; after all he had set the tone for that kind of behavior to be ok and probably feared taking punitive action because his actions would also come to light. I eventually left and it was one of the best things I've ever done for my mental health. In my exit interview I explained why I was leaving to my head boss and tried to explain the complicated situation my boss put me in. Instead of firing the new employee who was still on probation anyways, their solution after I left was to hire his wife for twice his salary in another position to "keep him in line." This wasn't a family business. This was a government job...uugh. wtf
I agree totally. I’ve had jobs where my coworkers behavior and work ethics were unacceptable. I was told I needed to put up with it, that’s just how it was there. Chaos and insanity daily.
What happened to me on one job was that the manager really liked me, until one day, he comes over to where I’m working, and starts talking to me about other employees. He didn’t like the staff he had at the time, for some pretty twisted reasons, and was looking for dirt on them, so he could have grounds to get rid of them. He didn’t put it that plainly, but it was plain, nonetheless. I took a breath, and told him, “Well, I really like all the people I’ve worked with so far.” I was on his s*** list for the next four years. It was awful, but I don’t rat out co-workers, unless they’ve done something criminal. I stood for my moral code, but it was really traumatizing to be bullied like that.
I never liked the toxic workplaces and have trauma. But I’ve always seen abuse for what it is.
@@kristiannapinkley7118 what was the mysoginistic behaviour, hiring another women to fill the job doesn't sound very mysoginistic
I had a ton of childhood trauma and a difficult time with employment due to mental health issues and Autism. I am blessed to have finally found a job that I'm really good at and fits all my needs. I work as a janitor for businesses after they close for the day and I work alone. My employer and other managers are fantastic people who care about the employees. I am so lucky and blessed to have found this job.
❤
killed someone through parallel autistic theory and got away with it by going psychotic from his autistic deconstruction physical assault of my brain trauma as a child was put on antipsychotics for 2 years and still capable of work but we just want to it's awfully annoying
OMG! All these years I've had these issues with every single job! Deep down I always feel like the weirdo who is too sensitive and/or too intense, and think to myself "why do I take things so personally" (which in fact I've been told a couple times and THAT in itself is a huge trigger!). It all makes perfect sense now! No wonder jobs r so draining & mentally exhausting.
Yes!!!
perfectly said. I am the same. it's exhausting but these videos are helpful.
Wow, same here!! The sensitivity, being told I take things too personally, etc.
Thankyou for sharing. 🙏
Yes !!!! So difficult being employed
Stumbled on this today and now so much makes sense. This was like the missing 🧩 Thank you.
A supervisor walking up to me and asking if I’m working as hard as I can, which reminded me of my mother and aunt demanding that I work harder around the house as a kid, when I felt I was working as hard as I could already. Micro managers are also on my trigger list
A manager kindly suggested that I work on my shyness (something I'd been desperately working on for fifteen years by that time). Growing up my parents thought that a dysregulated child must not be aware that this is a problem, otherwise she'd have magically regulated her own emotions. And here I was being given the same expectation/assumption, that obviously I must not realize that my shyness is a problem, otherwise I'd have magically fixed it by now. Except.... as an adult, I was supposed to have been taught emotion regulation skills and be able to do that.
I really felt this, thank you for making sense of what I’m going through right now
Mine too.
Is it weird, I actually like "corporate speak" in the sense that I feel safer when people at work speak professionally. If there's too much personal info, emotions, bias, etc, it feels like boundaries are blurring and I don't like it. I've also had way too many jobs and managers that were abusive or inappropriate so another reason why I prefer people speak professionally at work! Makes me feel safer.
Agreed.
I'm similar in that I prefer professional speech, but to me that also means frank honesty. Like, there's politeness, and then there's just blowhard behavior, and I can't stand the blowhard lying double speech round-the-bush "professionalism" behavior. I don't think you're weird at all, btw.
I guess it depends what your trigger is! Some people find it as a trigger to panic because the lack of inauthenticity is a reminder of possibly a narcissistic parent that treated you badly but made it seem that your pain was nothing and pretended to the world that everything was peachy…
I think that is the case for me. Honestly the lack of authenticity is something that inexplicably makes me want to scream out since I’ve had my trust broken so often having grown up in a cult… so it’s really very interesting how it works out.
I wonder if we draw situations to ourselves, that cause us to be triggered in what hurt as children
I can see it from your perspective also that your trigger is overstepping boundaries with uncontrolled emotions and actions so covering that up makes you feel safer. I can also see how everyone’s triggers must be tripping over each other in the workplace
Exactly! I can’t stand the jargon and unnecessary words in emails. Argh!! Be professional but stlll be human and not robotic. 🤦🏾♀️
I never realized it myself but I agree with you. However, I do it everywhere. Naturally, it's more pronounced at work, but words, and being direct with them makes me feel safer. Less room for misunderstanding.
“It’s okay if you don’t work well in a hierarchical type job” 👈🏼 That HIT HARD. This literally gives me the positive validation and acknowledgement that it’s okay if I work better working by myself (ie having my own business). If the corporate structure doesn’t work for me, then I don’t have to force myself to conform to it.
I hated the heirarchy, the boss was always an echo of my narcissistic mother. I started my own business in 2019 and all the toxic triggers melted away. I work on my own, I love it, I'm relaxed, my time is mine. No toxic boss lauding it over me. Definitely do it !!!!
@@vivdoolan6846. I am kind of a Carl Jung geek and Jung has a yang to his yin, Freud's nephew, Edward Bernays. While Jung was busy trying to teach people to better understand themselves Bernays was teaching corporations and politicians how to trap people in servitude. BBC did a series on Bernays called The Century of the Self. I think of cptsd as kind of mixed blessing, when you start looking for a way out of the matrix you start to find yourself, and its more work than most people ever do. when I recommend the series to friends that are "happy" in their corporate illusion they have a hard time sitting through it, they start to understand their autonomy has been stripped from them for a paycheck, it's not an easy pill to swallow.
@@notverynotoriousg5674 Some people don't want the risk/discipline that autonomy necessitates, but everyone should at least be aware of the choice.
Patrick made a really good point at the start of the video about toxic families not really setting people up to advocate for themselves or go for more. My dad has a saying when we kids asked him for anything, "if you ask, you don't get. If you don't ask, you don't want." I've known for a long time that I wanted my own business, but I've stuck with jobs until I can no-longer lie to myself about how miserable I've been. My dad's saying was total shiite. Other people have the right to run their business right into the ground if they'd like, and I have the right to stay in peace about it.
@@ohmygodyouknowwhatweshould2496 for me personally I have a real problem not being at the helm, it's probably from parentification and hypervigilance and a few other things too. Always recognizing how things could be done better and watching people blunder and not learning from their mistakes, it makes my brain explode.
Wow. This is like my biography.
I admire you so much being here and seeking personal growth
Holy shit Tay, I can't believe how often you show up in comment sections of videos I watch.
Is it the algorithm? Do we just have a lot in common? Is it both? I don't know, but it seems like you value the same things I do and find the same things I do interesting or funny.
12:17 problems with authority
17:01 feeling of “not being seen”
23:25 no accountability
27:48 performance review
33:50 you should be thrilled!
🙏🙏🙏
Thank you so much for posting the times! :)
Thank you! 🙏🏻
You’re awesome!
The last bit of advice, "Don't sweat people who aren't in your inner circle," hit me like a brick. It's so applicable not just for work, but also for my current roommate situation. I'm going to meditate on that one so it sinks in all the way.
That's harder for you because your down time and personal space are occupied with this person. I hope you can find a way
I grew up where my mother ignored me and my father was very physically abusive. When I would work I would be at the job for 90 hours a week while only punching in for 40 because I felt guilty about not getting things done and knew the budget would not allow me to get paid for more while knowing everything was not done. I was a manager at CVS and we were always understaffed and the staff were underpaid so I got really burnt out. I had trouble feeling like I was good enough to keep a job, thinking my termination was always around the corner. After 3 years I quit because I stopped enjoying movies I used to enjoy, I never looked forward to/had fun with anything and I dedicated so much of my time at the job that I had no social life. I felt this deep sense of aloneness and had no energy to keep going while gaining 80 pounds in a year through emotional eating/not having enough time to cook/take care of myself. I learned I wanted a job where I had more flexibility with my schedule and now I am a remote tutor and quickbooks bookkeeper. I only had the courage to quit because I felt like I was on the verge of dying if I didnt. I wish I quit sooner but everything is ok nowand I am glad I made the decision.
This is me too.. I work for accounting, and I am no stranger to long hours. I also do not punch all of my hours because I feel like I don’t deserve it. People wonder why I never punch all of my hours, but I can’t just trauma dump them…
I feel the same right now with this job I joined...I've only been here 6 mths and have severe anxiety and stress
90 hours???
Never, ever work for the church!!! The phrase is from "The Jungle", because the owner made a big deal of building huge beautiful churches with his money. The workers called it working for the church when working off the clock.F that, oh and F your boss for expecting it. I walked off 3 jobs for this BS.
This video really speaks to me. Thanks to my toxic upbringing, I developed an exceptional ability to "handle" difficult and abusive people. This made me a valuable asset in restaurant, retail, sales, and other service insdustry jobs, and eventually the "golden handcuff" phenomenon left me feeling trapped in those fields. At my last job, which involved Working With The Public in a customer service position, my co-workers called me "the psychopath whisperer." Whether the rude abusive person was a customer, a client, or a boss, I was somehow the only one who could calm them down and make them happy. It turned out to be a lucrative skill for me, but it was triggering af and took a heavy toll. At the end of every day I staggered home feeling exhausted, depleted, miserable, misanthropic, and bitter. On the bright side, now whenever the shoe's on the other foot and I'm the customer, I take pride in being as agreeable and low-maintenance as possible, and always tip 30-50%.
@Elizabeth Churchill. I love it!! 😍 “the psychopath whisperer!” 😄 Now, there’s a moniker! But I’m glad you don’t have to be the psychopath whisperer any more!
I relate to this. I'm in customer service and like you, feel miserable, depleted, and misanthropic.
Oh I relate to this too! I didn't realize until I read your comment that the reason why I was so good at customer service was my people-pleasing tendencies and ability to "read" difficult people. It was after they promoted me to supervisor that I left the field because I couldn't "please" the people on my team AND be the one responsible for pointing out their mistakes and holding them accountable. I was (am) way too insecure for that
I relate to this 💯
I can relate my tolerance for toxicity took me "far" as in I could hold on to my job for longer as people around me that were quitting or getting fired.
I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. We finished our performance reviews, and I got a 1.5 out of 4 & was passed up for a raise despite my contributions over the years, and the fact that my boss knows I really struggled mentally last year. Those things cut like a knife. This video proved everything I've began to realize.
Performance reviews are just another way for corporations to avoid paying their employees appropriately. Don't take it personally, the Man is just out to screw everyone regardless of their true value as human beings.
@@toughenupfluffy7294 facts
That sucks for sure. Either get rid of you or make a plan to help you! They are so lame - I'm sorry that happened to you!
Every SINGLE point here hit me like I had a magnetic bullseye between the eyes. Thanks Patrick, once again-it amazes me how you deeply you get it. I'm 52 and have had 36 jobs. I'm on my LAST ONE - working on building the confidence to start my own business.
Same, I'm 51 and I was always the scapegoat. Always the one let go. Always passed over. Overlook, taken for granted and i never had the confidence or the level head to just observe what was going on and move on.
Kk
You can do it!!
watching this video wasn't too far off from being hit in the head by nerf darts repeatedly. That is, I kept getting what he meant over and over again, and it resonated
Yes!!🎺🎺 Same here--building confidence, taking educational courses and resolving childhood traumas and codependency patterns to start my own business.
I went into possibly the WORST profession for triggering, child social worker. I thought I was passionate ( when I was in denial ) turns out I was being triggered every single day for 14 years. My therapist said I was always going to end up in that type of role to try and resolve trauma. Always felt fear of bosses, always had issues with fairness and justice, felt exploited because my labour was profited from. I just couldn't stand employment at all . Now I run my own business and I'm not triggered at all, wish I had done this move 20 years ago but I wasnt ready. Every family I worked with I tried to resolve my trauma by being the 'useful child '. The boss was the frightening covert narcissist mother. I was absolutely drained out emotionally giving support to so many families and getting no support for myself to manage it. The managers emotional intelligence levels were always so low it was always frustrating they just couldn't give adequate support. Always felt so trapped being managed by people less capable / less in tune. The biggest trigger of all was allegations from children that got buried, and when I raised it I was ignored/ dismissed like my mother used to. The burying of allegations took me to a very dark place and I lost all faith in my profession. I'm finally doing work that doesn't trigger me, no emotional drain, no toxic managers and bitchy workplaces. In fact , I work alone and have no reliance on one job/ client so I feel free and less stress.
Love you post❤️
Thanks for shairing. This is almost my current state❤
Thank you for this!! "I work alone and have no reliance on one job/ client so I feel free and less stress" - I am working towards this too! It's so good to hear that it works well for you, because that gives me hope that it will work well for me too. Working for myself seems like...not all my eggs in one basket. No one person has the power to 100% fire me. Oh dude that is a power thing - no one will have that power over me.
Good for you! ❤
Just left my job for same reasons last month. And I was not ssurreee why I was leaving.. But it was exactly this. Worked for children... As psychological counsellor. 100℅ word to word same experience and realization as yours.
Patrick, I needed this video. My workplace is objectively dysfunctional, but it also triggers my childhood trauma. I reported a serial sexual harasser 8 years ago. He was promoted during the investigation into his behavior, which revealed that he harassed 6 of us. He's still going strong in his career, and I'm the outcast who "disrupted" our department. Thank you for everything you do. I appreciate you so much.
Oh, I feel you on this one
It’s not your fault and you did a brave thing. I did something similar at my old workplace and at my school when I and others were harassed. They may not appreciate it, but I hope you find comfort in knowing you made the right decision. I’m sorry how unfair your situation is, but congratulations on your courage and heart ♥️
I worked with a cook who would trap women in the freezer. It was a small walk in and he'd rub up against the females to get by them. Like he'd run his junk against my butt 🤢 He did this to me multiple times. Another guy would tell me things like, "You're a woman. Get back in the kitchen." He was serious. I complained and I ended up getting fired the next time I was late. I reported to the boss that it was a hostile and toxic workplace.
Ugh. Wal-Mart was worse. I haven't worked in 6 years because it's all anxiety.
I had a similar experience with a coworker, who at first was just lazy and avoided doing work as much as possible in favor of bragging about his sexual conquests ... Us ladies should have been complaining then ...
Absolutely toxic, shame the six of you didnt take it further outside the shitty work environment that did nothing. Maybe you still can.
I quit a job in tears because my supervisor reminded me of my mom.
"The biggest lesson I have learned is that no matter what work I do inside emotionally, that won't make the place less abusive or wrong for me." For the moment I am doing contract work and even though current company wants to hire me, I feel better being contract because I feel I have more freedom, which is more important than money. I feel that most corporate systems are just like dysfunctional family systems. I related to so much of what you spoke about. Another great video of real value! Thank You! Loved the humor....
Corporations lack integrity
They are not for they people
What I haven't liked about contact work is the expectation of producing so much in a shortened amount of time. I know there's a point where contractors make a whole lot of money (of course it eventually goes to taxes and insurance), I just haven't figured out how.
@@Heyu7her3 I just today quit an "easy 3 hour a day tech CSM job" that took all day long to do and only charged for 4 hours. Plus, more kept piling on my plate in terms of expectations, being a boss mind reader, not getting it right and just taking on more hours and meetings etc for no reason. My headaches and burning hot neck told me it was time. I quit with one sentence, billed my hours, blocked the sources and just moving on. The expectations of 1099 work are crazy.
Thank you. I’ve just retired early to recover from my 22 year career as a nurse. It was and still is hard to walk away from that profession. I feel like a war veteran. I had to curb my natural creativity, innovation and and leadership qualities to conform to dysfunctional environments. I’ve been suffering from agoraphobia for the past 9 months. I struggle with feelings of failure and a bit of an identity crisis. I know I’m not alone in this. Anyway, I really appreciate this video. Validation always is healing
Hang in there. I left my job after 18 years in the hospital. I had PTSD and burnout. It takes a while, but I’d does get better. Take care of yourself. Unfortunately, the healthcare system is toxic and exploits it’s workforce in the worst way.
Thank you for your years in healthcare ❤️❤️ take care
See my comment. I get it!
I feel like I fall into a shark thank since I'm working in child's hospital in this particular team. Due to post traumatic stress I literally spend sick at home 3 months from total 6 months of working there. My coach said I need to become more resilent. People often say being a nurse is so noble and I'm thinking to word vomit all over them the pain I'm in. You could be as well given a medal for working at that job for that long. I loved quote I read the other time
"Disagreements are incredïble value, but when you have resentment in your heart. Disagreements are not disagreements. They are declarations of war. "
@@dianav.5837 absolutely. Healthcare breeds psychopaths.
I have been in therapy for 3 years and NOT ONCE was my childhood trauma addressed (she focuses on my PTSD from an abusive marriage). But this explains why I react the way I do with my job situations SO MUCH!! Always looking for validation from my boss (especially if it was a female boss), not feeling appreciated, and feeling devalued, dismissed and always feeling like I had prove my worth (emotionally abusive/histrionic personality mother who constantly compared me to my younger sisters), and always always always looking for validation. WOW!!! THANK YOU!!!
Me too!!!
They do that and usually their go to is “maybe you should consider separating “ i mean maybe we should address the issue
Laura me too!! I have always struggled and had anxiety at every job!! Now it makes sense!
I'm not happy with my psychiatric care. I was thinking who is this guy's shrink. He got on the right path for sure.
Long story but I've learned more about my self through videos like this then any shrink. I'm so disappointed in them. One says this, one says that. I'm not sure I was ever asked about my childhood. I probably volunteered that information.
Really, sometimes I think the lord mad me nuts so I could witness what is going on.
I was STRUGGLY for years. Now I get it.
This video is a new perspective for sure.
I subscribed.
If you know you have trauma from childhood you can be certain it affects all your adult relationships, personal and professional.
Counselling that only focuses on an adult experience won't resolve any issues because it doesn't trace the roots.
In gardening terms, it's pointless trimming back brambles to make the garden look tidy, you have to remove all the root to prevent all regrowth of the prickly invader.
Have you considered a deliberate change in approach or a different counsellor?
this video should be required to be watched by bosses. they should have to read the comments too. they should be fully aware of how much power they hold over people and how easily they can trigger trauma and cause intense emotional distress. bosses who are emotionally abusive should be held accountable. i always thought i just hated "work culture" but really my CPTSD and generalized anxiety disorder are affecting me so much. thank you for this video. i'll continue working on myself but God i really wish other people could just learn to not be assholes instead.
Just give what you get everyone treats me subhuman I treat them the same I'm a monster ?Fine your a cockroach I'd step on anyway and keep stepping quit giving people privilege they all suck.
Yes! Yes!
I am an HR professional by trade. I mostly worked in the employee relations and EEO investigations section of HR for 20 years. They are the most toxic and abusive department in any dysfunctional organization.
YES!
Lol as if they care. They do it intentionally
Joy🌹, Yep, they get high from abusing their power and watching people squirm or emotionally suffer. They'd orgasm if they read these comments! But I totally understand where she's coming from. It's not fair.
wow i never realized how connected all of this was to my childhood. i quit my job of 5 years earlier this year because every shift i was going into, the drive there i would start having massive panic attacks to the point i was throwing up and crying in the parking lot before going in. this video helped me realise how often i was being triggered while i was there.
So glad you left!
So sorry that you felt that way and hopefully you can find a job where you don't suffer panic attacks. God bless you ❤️
I am a woman working in a very male-dominated field and I think I have all of these triggers, LOL. I recently left a pretty toxic workplace that was triggering a lot of childhood stuff but even being in a healthier environment it's still tough because the field itself is not conducive to psychological health. A lot of heavy expectations of "passion" in order to keep people on a treadmill to keep up with neverending stream of new tech. And then of course the constant undercurrent of sexism and being devalued for being female (coincidentally - ha ha - my family also valued boys/men over girls/women) I often dream of walking away from it all but of course I have my identity and ego wrapped up in the job and "conquering" these issues. :) Thanks for producing this video; it was extremely helpful to me.
Listening to the "Issues with Authority" bit made me remember the time I was working at a restaurant, we were absolutely slammed & backed up, I was running around like mad helping everywhere I could, and my assistant manager starts a petty little argument with me in the middle of all of this. We're going back and forth while I'm trying to work. I'm being as polite and courteous as I can, but getting more and more overwhelmed as she keeps sniping at me and the orders keep piling up. Eventually I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and just need this interaction to STOP, so I'm like 'okay... how would an adult handle this? What would my dad do in this situation?'. I take a breath and bluntly/firmly say "Jenny. F*ck Off." Andddd I was written up immediately after the rush subsided.😂 Honestly tho, I don't regret it.
Thank you 🙂
A true assistant manager, Would’ve had your back, by helping you with your service, needs , the customers, not complaining to you…; She’s the one who should have been ‘written up, not you…
how would an adult deal with this Jenny F off LOL
Wow! Good for you!!🤭🤣👏
Yes
I've had many of the toxic/crazy-making bosses in my life. So much drama, lost sleep, hurt feelings, on and on. (Of course I realize I was the other half of the equation, and I recognize my shortcomings.) Happily, for the past 10 years I've been blessed with the most down-to-earth, generous, respectful boss possible. And the rest of my coworkers are amazing. I often say I'd hang out with them even if I wasn't getting paid, lol. I recognize what a gift this is, and I'm eternally grateful.
I stopped expecting the best of people at work and accepted things for what they are. This helped me feel less depressed. Getting rid of the fantasy of them doing what is right! Lol
Thank you. You are truly a God send.
I had to pause this video a few times to catch my breathe 🥵 I kept having flashbacks to my childhood and my current job smh didn’t expect this to be so emotionally taxing but it’s much appreciated. Thank you for doing this video, a lot of us needed this🙏🏽
Ugh that’s the worst when I think of my childhood trauma
Being coerced into being an accomplice in our own abuse at home and having it repeated in the work place can send a person into a really bad place mentally when CPTSD is triggered . Been there too . Thanks for addressing this topic Patrick - it's so relevant in many lives .
I’ve never worked in the service industry, but I’m a nurse and I certainly see a looot of similarities. I’ve grown more cynical and detached over the years, due to burnout and compassion fatigue probably, which helps a bit when it comes to toxic bosses, draining coworkers, ungrateful and demanding patients and an underfunded and understaffed healthcare system/workplace on the brink of constant collapse. Probably not the greatest profession to have if you were a parentified child of enmeshment trauma who suffers from depression 🙃 I think a lot of coworkers see me as chill, because of the necessary and learned detachment, but the times I’ve lost my shit at work I’ve realized is definitely closely linked to triggers of not being heard or seen in childhood, feeling bullied, perceived injustice and not being valued for all the hard (unpaid) work I do. Great and enlightening video!
Nursing and teaching are more service-oriented than we typically acknowledge.
💯 I can relate. Thanks for sharing
I always saw nurses as Angels i can see them getting numb abused undervalued overworked high stress depending on the place. Its like service in the military and war is my view sometimes dealing with people health issues needs trying to convince that person and the family the care you need to do . Definitely customer service or a person service.
I’m now an interior designer and have an eBay business, and i work for myself. I employee 2 full time people to help, so I’m a very small business owner. When I worked for others, starting in high school, I was always very concerned that my employer and co-workers liked me. That was the single most important thing i looked for at every job i had. I’m sure this is related to not feeling loved and accepted in my family of origin. Our family looked very healthy- my father was a dentist and my mom stayed at home. There was no obvious dysfunction- no substance abuse, yelling, no physical or sexual abuse, in fact, my parents were both very kind. However, i never felt encouraged by them or truly loved. It was “ all very nice, but not very good”, if that makes sense. Both of my parents suffered depression, but not debilitating depression. Additionally, they really didn’t want to be married to each other, so i didn’t see much affection demonstrated at home. I know many people grew up in far worse, and I’m so very sorry. I hope getting healthier can change the future for everyone!
Sometimes the trauma that comes from emotional neglect can be the most insidious, because it is so hard to see. But just because it doesn't seem like we "should" have trauma, or other people have it worse doesn't mean that our trauma doesn't exist. (Wouldn't that be nice?)
I resonate with your comment, as by pretty much all accounts my parents were "good enough" parents. But they were often emotionally distant, and we belonged to a very conservative church that always came first in our lives. In my case, I consider the church a "third parent" that was abusive in its narcissistic absolutism, and the demands it had on my parents and our family. Church came before everything else, even us kids. The one big fault I feel in my parents was that they enabled this bully, thereby becoming complicit in its maltreatment. Even though they honestly thought they were doing the best possible--indeed, the _only_ possible--thing for raising a family, they still caused harm.
me too barb. you’re so strong
Yah. If the fam isn’t working right tho it’s always gonna be worse for the kids in it. I had some of that in a way (the whole neglect stuff) and I had some of the other more dramatic stuff too. But that part was prob the worst despite all the other more “dramatic” obvious stuff. A kid who was sent the message (one way or another) that we just don’t really matter is def a huge silent killer. Prob about the worst one of all. I had narc parents who were just ego driven and selfish and others had self absorbed parents with too much of their own junk to deal with and not caring for their kids like they needed to. Either way tho, the result is about the same. The kid just gets the same message either way....you just don’t matter. It’s like that kind of indifference to your very existence is more cruel than being “hated.” At least if you’re hated, you know where you stand and you can steel your resolve. If they just don’t care tho, you may not for the longest even understand why you feel so messed up inside and you cant seem to quite shake off that whole vague worthless feeling you have. And you just kind of float around in this limbo no man’s land purgatory and that is worse imo than feeling like you have to go rogue. Like at least “rogue” is a real place. Limbo is God knows what and very confusing and a place of perpetually being stuck and never finding any place to plant your feet on firmly. Or maybe a lot like being not quite alive and not quite dead. Like some drifter that never really can find a real home Bcuz they don’t quite fit in with either the living or the dead. Never really “belonging” and yet truly belonging somewhere or anywhere even is a basic human need.
@@goodenoughgirl8102 Wow, Stephanie, very eloquent and well put. Same here. Found it hard to 'fit in' at jobs and at family gatherings with relatives. Sick of trying hard with people and never really fitting in, being liked or accepted. Trying to make friends and finding they are indifferent to you. Its just a disaster. Even though I'm courteous, polite and helpful, people are in their little groups at work and its like always being on the outside looking in. You can't join in cuz nobody cares about you. This is a problem at work cus they expect their staff to be like a 'family' and all get along. So the boss told me I was like ' a square peg in a round hole'! and was let go. When I told him the manager was calling me inappropriate names and asking me personal questions in front of all the staff, the boss said 'he's only joking.' My only regret is I didn't leave much sooner. I was afraid of what it would look like on my resume if I left after 3 months.
@@kindheart9676 Aw shucks. Thanks. ☺️ Sorry you had to go thru that. At the time it seems so awful but I reckon I’m glad some of them spit me out too, as I would hate to be stuck in some place like that or either become someone like that. Just so immature tho eh? Some folks act like they’re still in high school having all these cliques (that I was so often not “good enough” to be in) and playing favorites. Usually some secretly envious person who takes full advantage of anyone who is naive about devious people like that. I know I was so oblivious about these backstabby mean girl types. I’ve been at this recovery stuff for a long time tho so now it’s far better (like years of work). At first I was dying to be accepted or approved of. Then I just went off the cliff and was like ugh people suck. Kill me now. Or better yet like wishing God would just blow up the whole earth and I didn’t mind dying also. Then I finally learned that my own kind of “begging” for acceptance was doing me in so many times. Of course this came from having sicko parents and so on, but it was good to finally see that it needed to be the other way around. Or at least it needed to be like seeing I was already good enough and maybe I should consider if they’re actually “worthy” of having all I have to offer them or the privilege of my company even. Not to just flip it and be arrogant like them, but I was always preoccupied with trying to be good enough for others when maybe I should’ve been seeing if it was even safe or ok to let them in my space at all. After being spat on for so long tho, I was kinda pissed off and fed up and I DID kinda feel like HAH! I’m never begging for anything ever again and if anyone wants my time and effort and energy etc then they can come beg me for a change. Lol. But at any rate...Don’t think I want anyone begging me for it now (lol) but for real like show me some respect or take a hike and don’t even try to be around me if you can’t treat me right. It really was more of an internal thing tho. Like just getting to this place where I had such a diff attitude about all of it and ya know folks just see that vibe. Or as they say tho..we have to teach folks how we want to be treated....and I’m thinking maybe that’s true Bcuz a lot of folks are just about as dense as can be lacking so much self awareness or emotional maturity. I think some folks have to be half smacked upside the head (figuratively lol) before they’d ever even think to treat anyone with any modicum of decency. Like for real there are good folks out there but there are just a good deal of folks who do the minimum and won’t bother treating people right unless someone actually makes them. But by that I just mean more like disallowing disrespect Bcuz we really can’t control them. But we can definitely put our foot down and refuse to stick around for a bunch of abusive BS anymore. Well lol. I reckon I’m just in a bit of a mood today. 😅😅 Finally standing up to these types of folks was about the best thing I’ve ever done.
What happens in the work prison structure of most jobs, isn't surprising. The manipulators, who have personality disorder will obviously thrive in these environments where people are scared to leave because they have to live penny to penny. It's so sad how broken our social systems have become. Thank you for your work and sharing that you do with everyone 🙏
I always wondered why I felt like this in jobs. I thought it was from toxic work environment but my CPTSD makes sense. Thank you for this video and validation
it's not just the trauma. Where there's power imbalances and money involved there's gonna be manipulation 🤷🏽 if an employer sees a way "encourage" u to do more work for the same money, they're probably gonna do it
It’s both, it’s a toxic environment and you are reacting to it.
Genuinely I love when you say 'You cant miss with any of the buttons.' Sometimes I think about this when I'm out and about and it brings me joy
OMG my exact story. So terrified of failure, I'd rather not TRY to succeed. And no-no healthy risks. And family STILL prevents me from doing it. Awesome video! I just cannot tolerate unnecessary nastiness. Disrespect. Ugly and angry employees and customers-can NOT deal with the public-I'm fried. All of my patience, tolerance and cooperativeness all got used up. So I've always been an IP/HCA versus employee. I contracted with the government as a CNA. Me, my patient, in the home-my own boss somewhat. Occasionally a nurse would pop in. REALLY good at behind the sceanes.
I work really hard. I simply can no longer DEAL with other people's DRAMA.🤦♀️
I totally understand this. People do not realize how much drama comes with this type of work. Dealing with family of people who,are essentially at the end of life is very overwhelming
God same. I'm looking for answers that don't involve compromising my values, muting my voice, or accepting shitty environments with an "it is what it is attitude." 😔
WHEWWWWWW
Everything you said about restaurant work is painfully true! I felt suicidal every day I spent in restaurants. It was the biggest catalyst for going back to school. I never thought about it in terms of childhood trauma, but you're so spot on.
Wonderful vid. I'm 53 years old, I've worked various jobs, but had a good run of nearly 20 years in IT. I now work in admin at a hospital, which seems on the surface like a real step down. But it's not. The people I work with are quirky, but we can all be authentic and don't have to walk on eggshells. My boss is that one of a kind person and I know from hard, bitter and painful experience that the work is secondary to the people you work with. I have a place now where I feel I can breathe and be honest without fear of retribution. You can't put a price on that ❤🇬🇧
I really like how you shared advice from your mentor, "Don't sweat things that are not from people in your inner circle."
I’m absolutely amazed. Work has always been so difficult for me but I’ve realized it’s just been EXTREMELY TRIGGERING. Literally every trigger you pointed out around work I highly resonated with. I’ve had multiple jobs in my 23 years of life because it just feels so overwhelming and uncomfortable so i stay until my breaking point of i quit after my first few days. It amazes me and honestly devastates me how much of the struggles in my life are caused by childhood trauma. I have done a lot of work in therapy but have a lot more to do.
Same, at this point Therapy is mandatory
Same. I relate so much
Everything you said, I could have written myself.
There's something to be said for professional distance. I finally learned this, just a few years before retirement.
Or, maybe not be friends, just be friendly. I can't remember where I heard that, but it really helps.
Edit: I forgot to say thanks for this very helpful video!
I agree. Friendly, not friends.
Learned this the hard way !!!
Having family on my wife's side in particular who worked in restaurants in the USA, I, like my wife who is also an Australian now, am a big fan of the Australian approach whereby people simply get paid a proper working wage for a proper working day and do not have to rely on tips.
It's true: the restaurant industry is insanely toxic to it's worker's in the US. The attitude among many restaurant employees is "I was tough enough to earn respect here, so you should be too" and entertain work environments that are hostile or downright abusive. They're expected to take abuse from the management and the customers alike with a smile on their face and still beg for a tip.
There's stiff competition for the most high-tipping shifts. It forms a highschool-esque clique where new hires get a slow shift and no respect. A job like the friday-night bartender is usually someone whose worked there for ages, played a very cut-throat political game, and isn't afraid to throw their weight around to keep their statused and well-paying shifts. But even the best bartender typically has no benefits, works ridiculously draining hours, and most of their money is made in cash tips on Friday and Saturday night.
The managers typically don't make jack, often less than some of their tipped employees, and often take the job to vent their toxicity at the people under them: it's a way to get back at the school bully. The whole industry is just an absolute land mine of emotionally traumatized people slowly burning out. I didn't realize it wasn't the norm until I graduated college and started getting office jobs, and people were actually expected to treat each other with respect. Huge wake-up call!!
I had similar toxic personality experience working in a hospital-it was a nightmare. OverValued, ally in high places and/or vindictiveness kept this abuse going. Undermining and bullying was constant. I was in deep financially so it was very difficult. Those performance reviews were HORRIBLE. They read you confidential quotes from “co-workers” at the end. I always knew who said what. I was being harassed, sabotaged and bullied but constantly told I had a problem with my “defensiveness”. Horror story.
“Over-valued” people. This does happen. Often the person deemed the “highest performer” is just the biggest bully that leadership themselves do not have the courage or business acumen to deal with, so they promote them and dismiss everyone else on the worker level who can’t deal. It can be a lot like childhood, whe. You have no control over who your caregivers are, whether or not they are actually caregiving!
This is one of my BIGGEST challenges! 13 years in tech & I’ve allowed every single job to take up so much headspace. I’m constantly triggered…always upset. Definitely need more ideas on how to change my behavior.
Wow! Not being seen and no accountability are the two that really resonated with me. I’m struggling to find connections to my childhood family dynamic, but definitely see connections to childhood abuse and bullying by classmates in the school setting. I was never shielded from that by adults and generally misunderstood when trying to raise the mistreatment or unfairness.
SPECIAL ACCOMODATIONS FOR THE DYSFUNCTIONAL COWORKER. 😭 this is one amongst the many reasons I left my last job.
Me too
What do accommodations for someone else have to do with you? You don’t know the situation of the other person. Just do your own job and mind your own business!
My workplace has performance review , no accountability , favourite child, nit being seen, manipulative workplace, not getting recognition, and the rest you’ve mentioned! Oh God you’ve just spelled everything out for me. I’ve been asking more answers whether I should go or not. This is such an eye opener! I’ve been ruminating leaving my job as it is getting into me so much. Now I know why, all of those triggers are familiar situation from childhood. Thank you for this! I know what the adult in me needs to do now! Thank you so much!
My biggest trigger was “suck ups” which I guess goes into being “not being valued”. Because the suck ups got everything with no work, while I was expected to do everything and not even get credit. I was so upset I worked for YEARS for a crappy upgrade to a supervisor JUST so I could treat all the suck ups like crap and eventually get them all fired, after I finally got the entire store fired INCLUDING the store manager by working with HR and documentation, I dropped back down to a normal employee.
“Treat the suck ups like crap.” That sounds horrendous on its own. They sound toxic but so do you.
Interesting fantasy.
I sincerely hope you’ll never be in a supervisory position again. You don’t sound equipped to do so (unless you’ve had massive amounts of therapy)
Well done! Ignore the haters. They're probably suck ups.
LEGEND
I worked at Starbucks for two years, and slowly I began to see my boss as a completely different person than how she portrayed herself. She would come out onto the floor after a huge rush, or during the middle of one, and watch and criticize in real time how we functioned as a team. Nothing would be cleaned properly, nothing was stocked, we didn’t hustle enough for the customers. It was beyond triggering for me. I couldn’t process the hurt at the time, but she reminded me so much of my mother, and it’s eventually what drove me away. Not the entitled customers.
People usually quit bosses not jobs. I’ve quit most my jobs due to the bosses. Only one which I left because I had another opportunity which paid significantly better but was legitimately sad because the bosses were actually competent and sweet people. But ya know service industry gonna service industry
Maybe if they actually payed manager a decent wage above serving they could get actually decent people instead of power tripping assholes but when I literally can make more money serving what’s the incentive for good people to quit serving and become manager? Take on more responsibilities for a pay cut? No thank you
Patrick, your observations about the grotesqueness of 'performance reviews' are absolutely spot on. I now feel validated in my efforts to try to function in a system that's crazy while trying to deal as best I can with my own trauma and issues. Even for those who aren't trauma survivors, there is so much wisdom here. so, THANKS. This made my day. (PS: you are also funny as hell :D )
When dealing with childhood trauma in the work place I appreciated the saying, “Real or Imagined” because sometimes the things we pack up and bring with us can embellish an imagined situation or our trauma response to something real can make it so much worse. Our inner child doesn’t have the deescalation skills, or the ability to navigate tough emotional situations. Even though we are adults, our trauma responses can be contrary to how we would actually respond in a calm state of mind. I think you worded it perfectly at the end of the video. Find out what you as the adult needs to do for your own inner child to make them feel safe. Whether that is stand up for yourself, set healthy boundaries with others and/or yourself, look for validation from yourself instead of others, setting realistic expectations of others/yourself, or just simply just separation between work life and personal life instead of muddying them together.
*Abuse is never okay or to be tolerated, you should definitely report it if you see it/experience it. No matter if it is family violence, harassment, or any type of work place violence please report it. If HR will not take your complaint seriously you can always get a copy of your complaint when you file for your records and take it up the chain and even to your local police department.*
I worked at a in home health care setting. I really enjoyed my patients, however, there was a lot of toxic coworkers. The boss was just as toxic. After four years of narcissistic abuse from the boss and one specific coworker, I finally had the courage to say I'm done. It was the best decision I have ever made.
my friend is a cna and she has had the same experience.
See my comment. I get it!
Health care is so abusive!
Because my parents were emotionally absent in my life growing up, I tended to expect too much respect and emotional support because of this at work. Your point on performance reviews really hit home.
I appreciate your discussion of this topic. I experienced the juxtaposition of workplace trauma and childhood trauma-- areas I thought I'd healed were broken open, disrupting my sense of self, my confidence, and a career I had spent 10 years building. For months I experienced sleep disturbances, auditory hallucinations, paranoia, hyperarousal, intense shame, suicidal ideation...a decade later and I'm still trying to rebuild my ability to keep a job, feel safe at work, trust bosses and coworkers. I'm 60. I battle feelings that I can't "keep up" with the demands of the modern workplace, that I'm closer to the end of my value as an employee than the beginning. I just don't have the ambition that I had when I was younger, and it doesn't help that I also have trauma around work/workplace.
You give me lots of acknowledgment and validation of my experiences and reactions, as well as a light on the path through the fog. I appreciate your practical and professional perspectives-- thank you for the illumination!
Oh man, I’m getting triggered just watching this! Flashbacks to my old job. My employers now are great, and I love it there. Zero complaints. But my old boss from years ago was a nightmare.
The performance review part is particularly hilarious! She rated me low on written communication skills, yet when I was professionally assessed, I scored in the 98th percentile for language. There really is no winning in those reviews 😂
Wow... agree with Andrea that a whole bunch of these hit me in the brain and the heart (I'm in my 50s, too). I've volunteered way too much, looking for that sense of being valued. One volunteer gig, the organisation's most powerful person's energy reminded me of someone, but I couldn't figure out who. She got quite aggressive one day, badgering and badgering. At some point the light bulb went off, that she enjoyed having a fight. Realising this, it seemed funny (humerous) that I could say 'The sky is blue' and she'd fight it. When I stopped reactivity and started answering from that bemused and light-hearted place, the whole situation deflated like air going out of a balloon. I soon left that volunteer post. And finally figured out the person she reminded me of was my mother.
🤔
Wow, your experience with the person who reminds you of your mother is very familiar to me. My mother also likes to "fight" with me. Even my younger sister had noticed it over the years. My sister would say our mother is "catty" with me. Funny thing is that she wasn't like that with anyone else, just me. It's like she was in some sort of secret rivalry with me. At times I even thought she was jealous of me.
She would always mock me during my good and bad situations. For instance, if I'm having a good time or talking about something that I'm clearly ecstatic about she would find a way to mock me like repeating my words in a smug way or saying, "look at you all happy" in a way that would embarrass me and make fun of me or mocked the way I laughed.
Even in my bad times when I was depressed or something made me frustrated I would tell her about it and she would undermine my feelings. After time would pass and I felt better she would randomly throw in my face how sad I was in previous situations as if she wanted to remind me that I was silly or just spotlighting my sad moments.
Anytime I would vent to her she always found a way to go against me, anytime I would say my opinion about generally anything she'd come in with her opposing factor when I'm only making a statement. I'm 38 years old and it has made me very exhausted having to deal with her. And anytime she does anything for me I have to owe her something. It's like she can't do anything for me out of the kindness of her heart without me doing something in return. If I didn't do her a favor she would throw in my face anything she did for me.
Often times, I find myself avoiding her all together for those reasons. Having less contact with her avoids me having to deal with her cattiness with me. I will say sometimes she's sweet and we can have a good time, but the "fight" in her for me always comes out.
as a college student with anxiety, i also prefer volunteering over being paid, even though having some money would really help me. volunteers receive gratitude and no one can really get angry at them. but once im being paid it's like they hold this power over me. i get so scared of making a mistake. they dont appreciate me as much at that point.
@@kellegeez One of the best decisions I ever made - and it was instinctive - was to limit contact. We've got to protect our own minds.
Whew! Being an adult child of an alcoholic narcissistic father AND working in our family restaurant with him as my boss explains so much of why I feel triggered more so. It’s so exhausting!! I feel highly reactive when chaos arises and am told I’m being dramatic and need not be so sensitive, I’m always expected to put a smile on and move on. It was also expected that I take over the business, but after I told them I’m not interested and want to create my own path this caused all hell to explode.
All of this resonated and I’m slowly learning how to heal and find myself along the way.
During my on and off (mostly off) spells as an employee, I've always felt compelled to give 110% to even the most menial jobs, whilst obsequiously seeking approval from bosses I mostly had almost no respect and simultaneously entertaining a powerful conviction I was about to be fired! I get terrified of managers - even if they're nice. This definitely needs to be looked in to!
P.S. Happy Christmas, Patrick, and thanks for your superb contribution.😉⛄❄ ❤
You just described me!!
I relate 💛
I had huge issues at jobs, and I even knew it was directly because of my family dynamic and childhood. The worst was when my last job started implementing “mindfulness” and, having grown up in the Berkeley/Oakland area, this was a huge source of trauma for me - being forced to be involved in toxic positivity instead of dealing with real issues. I knew it was time to go at that point. But stayed another 3 years in what was already a super toxic environment where I was extremely miserable and my concerns were constantly invalidated in the worst way.
Oh yeah, the most toxic person in my place of work was my boss. But she was so competent and good at her job that she was never going to be reprimanded for her extremely (Michael Scott from The Office level) toxic behavior.) so that was fun!
I understand toxic positivity but I'm lost as to how mindfulness is part of that? Mindfulness to me has been shown as just a tool or a set of grounding exercises for when anxiety or depression comes up. How was it used at your old job?
N/A, At my last place of work, they used it in two ways. One to create an air of health, positivity, morality and fairness. So like shaking some blue glitter on a piece of turd. Or like how churches will have stained glasses and heavenly chimes while the priests are diddling with the kids. This made it difficult to complain or be believed because everything's fine! Look at the meditation section we have near the pantry! :D Goes back to sabotaging subordinates Then another way was to shift blame. Okay, but what are _you_ doing wrong? Why don't we look at ourselves instead of blaming others. You're very defensive, you should work on that. Here are some quotes we'll use on you but you can't use on us. All relationships are a two way street, you know? How about being a little mindful of the part you play and take some responsibility? 👹 It's such bullshit because if you're a good worker, it only take one horrible boss or one horrible colleague to fuck your shit up.
Dorkus, I had the exact same boss as you. I relate to the struggle. Everyone hated her, she was even audacious with her behaviour, but nothing changed. These kinds of characters are only uprooted when they either die/transfer or encounter a sociopath. Lol.
my dad was the same way. I learned early on him saying 'I'll think about it' was always going to be a No.
I had the physical reaction of gritting my teeth and tensing my muscles several times during this video because it sounds entirely too familiar. Hoop jumping. This was so enlightening and healing, and you're doing it out of the goodness of your heart. Thank you.
So much of this rings true - I left my job after over a year of working nonstop through the pandemic and breaking down constantly because while I was putting in much too much effort for what I was being paid, I felt undervalued and like my coworkers and bosses didn't even notice any of my work. (It felt admittedly very good to hear coworkers afterwards telling me that without me there, they never closed on time anymore.)
I never realized how much I was looking for validation that I didn't get elsewhere. I'm still trying to find a job now, but I'm also scared of getting myself back into those kind of environments where I might feel that way again.
This came up as an algorithm suggestion and, hey, the internet works in mysterious ways because this is exactly what I needed today. The part you mentioned at the end regarding not sweating people who aren't in your inner circle really struck me because it made me realize that I've put so much of myself into work that I don't have much of an inner circle anymore. I've made work my primary identity and, with so many of the triggers you mentioned reflecting my own, it's no wonder I'm always stressed because work is my entire life. This made me realize I need to step back from work and stop using it to validate myself. Thank you.
I’m 15 years into the restaurant industry. Even owned my own bake shoppe and catering/meal delivery company. Waiting tables was really good exercise and helped me learn to manage my introversion and communicate/read people. However, I’m now at a meal delivery company working with people who won’t “let me in” and are ganging up on me. It’s toxic. I’ll look at my projections and do the exercises you offered. But in my heart of heart, I know it’s best to leave.
I had a MMPI that showed I had difficulty with authority...and the therapist left it at that...for years...and you gave me so many triggering examples the first 20 minutes that nailed the issue. Wow.
Thank you for making things so clear. 🙏
As someone who worked as a waitress/server for years, I connect so much with your description. Waiting tables is a different kind of hard work. I was always glad I wasn't back sweating in the kitchen, but if I did work the kitchen, then I wouldn't have to deal with customers.
Absolutely amazing information. It is only now at the end of my working life that I understand how much my childhood trauma has affected my working life. Always worked in corporate environment and what you say is so true. That is brilliant advice about not spending emotional energy on anybody who is not in your Inner circle. No therapist has even come close to this! Thanks Patrick 💕💯👏
Hoo boy... Just started the video. Listening to you talk about restaurant work as I am in a miserable restaurant job as a cook and have done this work on and off for five years.
It just goes to show what a simple act of kindness towards another person can do for them.
Thank you. This is me. 23 jobs in 23 years. I'm failing at work life. These are all the reasons why and how they trigger me and the result. Spot on.
Described me perfectly. Especially no justice ever. Was never ever ever ever right at home.
I have wanted to quit for the past 3 years and it only gets worse every day ... (minimum wage earner, perfectionist, hard worker, ignored, cleans up other peoples messes, overwhelmed, mistake maker, possible aspie, people pleaser to some degree, ptsd, cptsd, female over 50). I must be a horrible employee; every little thing triggers me. I would like more info on how not to give my emotional energy to my workplace. Might make the next few months more tolerable before I quit to rest, then pursue new work. My weekends do not reenergize me. I feel like a zombie in quicksand. Thank you for speaking about this. So valuable. ☮️💟
I can also relate to this. Thank you for sharing. Yes, i too would like to know how to disengage the inordinate emotional investment in my job. Hobbled and stuck. Can’t get out of the pattern. Quicksand - it’s a good analogy.
Thank you, Patrick! I’m in my mid twenties and work in restaurants, so your mention on learning to swear in Portuguese really made me laugh. Totally relatable. Thank you so much!
Omg it’s just like the movies that’s for sure. My new work place reminds me of that movie “Franky and Johnny” 100 percent lol
Haha, yes, but Italian.
Yes this is so me! I can relate to all five triggers! Competitiveness, unfairness, invalidation, working extra hard, first in, last out. Now I know why!
Me too!!!
I'm only 10 minutes in, and already you blew my whole mind. I feel so validated, as someone who worked in the restaurant industry, I came up against the exact same feeling with side work. I have had so much resentment with toxic boss authorities, unfairness, and degrading implied work messages. Thank you for this.
Grad school advisors are a particularly insidious type of boss for trauma survivors. They have much more control over your life than a standard boss.
Please explain further! I’m going to complete my undergraduate this Spring.
@@mikaela2331 I'm in a STEM field, so your experience might be a lot different. In general though, academic advisors are more involved in your life than a boss should be. You're relying on them not just to manage your work, but they're supposed to be mentors and teachers as well. They have a lot of autonomy, so they're less subjected to oversight, and it's harder to intervene sometimes if your department does notice you're struggling. They also control more than your salary (through research or teaching assistantships), the also control whether you graduate. So you can put 6 years into a PhD and not get it. Meanwhile, you're not making much, might not get paid over the summers, and typically have to navigate roommates to make ends meet. If they have tenure, the department has fewer options to discipline them, but if they don't have tenure they're going to be super stressed all the time and will need your help to get tenured which sometimes means they get credit for some of your work.
There are tons of great and good-enough advisors. Lots and lots of people have good experiences. Just make sure you vet potential advisers as much as they're being you. If your gut doesn't agree with someone, decline the offer and try again.
There are lots of great things about being a grad student. It's a time where you really get to explore your field, try things out, and make mistakes. Good luck!
Omg it's so true!!! Grad school fucked me up. The power imbalance was unreal! And you've got all your eggs in that basket! It's your whole life. So, if you have advisers who don't respect you, who don't see you, who don't care... then you're fucked. I look back at that time, and it really shakes me up. I took it all so personally. I could never chill!
Oh, wow, this describes my experience as a server/bartender too! Most of the places I worked had a decent management staff, so most of the unfairness came from abusive customers. That was very difficult for me to accept. Sometimes even now I remember particular incidences when I'm falling asleep and it wakes me up. When I'm really stressed out, I occasionally get those server dreams, you know the ones: where suddenly you're the only server and the restaurant is completely full. Thanks for this!
This is very tricky though in a family business…I farm with my dad and older brother. It’s so triggering for me to be around my dad, but I love the land and the animals and I don’t want to leave. It’s just so hard to experience ptsd and religious trauma over and over on a frequent basis.
Can you start your own farm somewhere? That's probably a dumb suggestion, but even if it's impossible, you deserve to have your own land and animals that your dad doesn't own and can't be around. Even if it means giving up family names, inheritances, blabla, it would be more freeing, wouldn't it??? I dunno, it's how I feel.
So sorry you're in this situation. I hope Patrick's advice can help, hope you can get on your own sometime soon, don't know if you are under 18yr. (you don't have to answer that).
@@humaneleaguelancPA I’m 41 ☺️
@@kendrabueckert1750 Sorry Kendra, that sucks.
I’ve been through a lot of therapy and I’m gobsmacked! I see myself in so much you talked about! I’ll have to watch it again! I’m 62 and I’ve been fighting this battle my whole life! I felt my whole body release all that crap! Makes so much sense and so simple without gas lighting me and creating more trauma which is all my therapy so far!
I am typically a pretty chill person, so no one was more surprised than me when I totally lost my shit a while back at work. Ever since then I’ve been contemplating it, the only thing I was positive about was that my reaction was way bigger than appropriate to the situation. I recognized that I’d experienced a trigger, but attributed the trigger to a job I had many years ago where I was consistently abused, bullied, and felt trapped. This is the first time I’d even thought about the possibility that the trigger very likely leads all the way back to my childhood trauma.
I lost my cool on a teams meeting and I realize looking back...my job was to blame. My boss voluntold me to be over a whole project outside of my responsibilities. I couldn't get my real work done for doing that. I realized I snapped because I had too much on plate and was not given the opportunity to say no. I finally told the supervisor I couldn't do the extra project any longer.
This video really spoke to me. I worked in grocery retail for 11 years.... ever since I was 16. Honestly, it's a really terrible job as far as mental health goes. I was a manager and the pay was actually decent. I was treated poorly by customers and male managers but I stayed around for soooo long and just dealt with it. I was constantly triggered by the way I was being treated. (sometimes rightfully so) It was all I knew and all I thought capable of.. Last year I cut out my very toxic parents. Since then, I have found myself in a very different career path. I'm going back to school and I feel confident and ambitious. I don't have my parents negativity holding me down.
Literally this is exactly where I am at this week! Just quit 5 years of the restaurant industry last week to pursue more meaningful work in my field (current MFT student). So much "unfairness" in the industry and the work policies only apply to certain people.
Congratulations. ❤️
I also just quit my restaurant job. After facing retaliation against me, feeling uncomfortable, and crying after every shift I've had enough. I'm trying to not feel so guilty for leaving like I did, but I'm tired of the unfairness like you said.
Congratulations and good luck in your journey!
@@kaitlynmiller7357 keep your head up. You don't need to feel guilty if you were being treated poorly. You did the best thing to get out of the toxicity! Good job!
@@kaitlynmiller7357 you always come first. Don't feel guilty. Not a single bit.
I hate that damn performance report. It’s more like a “ass kissing report”.
When I was younger, I used to always get a “Needs Improvement” on “Talking out of Turn” portion of the report card. It used to bother me sooooo much. Especially because I would actively try to work on it JUST to see if it would change and it never did.
That’s one of the reason why I really despised authority. If a teacher, boss, or subordinate doesn’t like you, your representation is literally in ONE persons hand.
THANK GOD FOR THERAPY 🙌🏼 Your so awesome Patrick. I really love your content.
This was so great in so so many ways!!
I remember the old saying that older generations touted: "Children should be seen and not heard". Oh my gosh, how THAT played (plays) into my triggers!!
‘Don’t sweat the people who aren’t in your inner circle’. What a great quote. It’s going to be my quote for 2022. And what an excellent video. Thank you 🦋
I always over worked myself. I was instantly hated by other girls. My anxiety would always get in the way. When I got overwhelmed I would freeze. Also never could stand up for myself.
Same!
Had this happen many times. In would over work bc of the anxiety being around judgmental people who were talking about you
This is so true that sometimes other women are triggered with hard-working women...it's almost like they think you are "one-upping" them or making them look bad just because you are doing your basic job.
Learning to do the job nit let the job do me..I am working for money not popularity contest and I personally suffer from anxiety and got stressed easily trying to perfect my job performance or people please...I started doing myself and not worrying about what coworkers say about me...if they talk they are jealous...I no longer care about pleasing those that can't please me nor themselves and pay my bills regardless...if job is toxic I walk away...
@Mrs. Sunshine Phoenix Jones Same! I had to set a couple of mean girls straight yesterday after having a full blown panic attack. I'm sure they get some kind of morbid satisfaction from literally trying to drive me crazy...Gave my notice to leave in 3 weeks. Now those bitches can do my work!
I got so much out of this video!!!! I had to take a mental health break from work for the last 13 months. Now that I'm job hunting again, I get really bad nightmares, like trying to escape a fire at my last job but the emergency stairway collapses so I can't get out of the building. I'm so afraid that my next job will be toxic and harmful and that I won't be able to leave. I just keep reminding myself I can quit at any time, and that helps. It was so validating to see so many of my workplace struggles in this video and be able to trace it back to childhood issues. It helps me feel more in control of the issues. My adult side will try to make a better life for my inner child if it's the last thing she does!
I never thought of my relationships to past bosses as codependent, and found that very insightful. I never realized how much energy I put into being seen, definitely one of the reasons behind my recent need for mental health break. This video makes me ask - what if I don't need to be seen by my boss and my work, instead I can fulfill the need to be seen by my friends and myself?
At first I didn't recognize myself in the section about getting triggered because others are not being held accountable. I had *plenty* of situations that were unfair: cleaning up after others, forced to do others' work, sexual harassment, the list goes on. But I never felt angry or hurt. Upon reflecting, I realized that as a child I coped by making unfair situations comfortable and normal to me. My inner child feels comfortable when things are unfair. She believes that being a doormat means people will never throw you out because you are at least useful to them, thus valuable. When I'm giving and not receiving, when I'm the one being screwed over, it feels safe. When friends ask if I’m angry at some unfairness, I look inside and...nothing. Dissociation and numbness. This gives me good insight for the future, but it's definitely a work in progress.
"Bring out the adult so the difficult decisions can be made that will help the child function well". Not exactly word for word, but an excellent perspective. Thanks!
I am so glad people are finally standing up for themselves through the Great Resignation.
Funny I just quit working in restaurants after so many years and knew they were triggering me. I’m relating. It’s like I needed to see this right now, because I was thinking of a whole new change.
You seem like you would make an ideal friend. I love how heartfelt and genuine you are, and as always your videos continue to help me understand myself and work on issues I wasn't aware of even having. You're a great example of how sometimes, enduring trauma and terrible things can actually enable you to do more good than you would have otherwise been able to, by helping people who have endured similar pain to overcome the obstacles they're facing the way that you have (or, more likely, are still overcoming day by day). Thank you for doing everything that you do.
I feel this. Fairness has always been a sore point with me and employers. I also recently starting working for myself....SO much better!!!!!
As I am about to start a new job, this is timely. I liked “it is just a paycheck, not a battleground for something” as well as “don’t sweat people who aren’t in your inner circle”. That resonates with me and will keep these lines in mind.
This is so incredibly important, thank you Patrick! 💛 I suffered from work burnout a year ago, I couldn't continue working. I wish I had known I was triggered and that I had unresolved trauma, I would have left if I could have seen what was truly happening. My workplace was originally safe and felt like a supportive family that I never had. I started 10 yrs ago and I was happy for 5 straight years and it was amazing. Then we had organisational change and restructuring occur and for 3 years I fought so hard against it. It turned into my toxic family system and I fought to be seen, to be heard, to be valued, to make positive changes to try and find my safety again, to get the "parental figures" (upper management) to see how badly they were treating their "children" (employees). Of course I failed and burnt out. Ironically this absolutely horrendous 3 years and breakdown was what kick-started my healing journey. So now, I am somewhat grateful 🙏
Thank you, I’m only 17, but instead of work I took this as something else. Constantly in my life in terms of my acting, musical theatre, vocal state I’ve been let down, disappointed, abuse w teachers and so much. Since it’s been a part of my life since day one, I connect it to my family, and so on. This video really helped me in a current situation- and helped me recognize that a unfair situation doesn’t represent my self worth, etc. thank you so much.
Hey, good on you for discovering this so early on in your life. It took me until I was 30!!
You are going to have a flourishing life ahead of you :)
OMG Patrick. I have had 15 jobs during 12 years before I understood, that my reaction to abandonment is anger/flight/increasing velocity/and quitting the job.
I think all this due to not being seen/heard. This led to a harsh inner critic. I react when met with demands.
Acceptance of diffencies. Spot on! Thank you so much❤️
Oofda, the FOH vs BOH hit me hard. Pair that with the fact that most of the places I worked as a server (8 in total) also had a pretty big gender discrepancy between the waitstaff and the kitchen staff, and it was like we were all waiting to be belittled by either customers or kitchen staff every time we walked through the door. God forbid a customer ask for a customized dish or an extra sauce with their appetizer…you’d think the line cooks were being asked to sign over their firstborn children.
I've always joked that I was a terrible employee, which is why I started my own business. But, um, after this video I need to dive a little deeper into that. I was really reactive to most of my bosses, my work was constantly overlooked, I put way too much effort into my job, I was given work that no one else wanted to do because I was "the best at it", performance review shame, and not being enthusiastic enough. Time to journal!
Thank goodness your co-worker directed u to his therapist! I'm so happy for you that SOMEBODY saw something was wrong and DID do something about it! And now you have come so far!!
I work in the restaurant/cafeteria industry primarily, so this story was so vivid to me and touched my heart. Thanks for telling the world how sh*tty the work is LOL
I once had a boss who said she’d never give, “Exceeds Expectations” on a review because, in her mind, that wasn’t possible. WTH
i am currently with a boss like that. she says to make it 'equitable' for everyone everyone gets "meets expectations" on a review regardless of effort🤡
Super helpful. I struggled so much with a job that I was good at and got recognized for, but the other people who were blowing off work and gossiping the whole day (loudly, in a call center) never got held accountable. Eventually, I brought it up in a group meeting, and became the bad guy. So familiar. They let me go the next week.
My last job was good, but there was a woman who was evil but valuable. She could manipulate the bosses so easily, and be cruel to me. I can think of a few girls from middle school and high school who were like that