Do You Have Problems Making Decisions? - Childhood Trauma
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- Опубликовано: 16 май 2024
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Topics covered in this video: decisions, decide, control, controlling, paralysis, childhood trauma, therapy, psychology, healing, inner child, adulting, toxic parents, security, toxic family system, ifs, self-healing, journalling ,toxic relationships, triggers, childhood trauma, inner child, inner child work, c-ptsd, ptsd, toxic parents, narcissistic abuse, assertion, mind reading, moods, healing, abusive parents, emotional abuse, childhood ptsd, repressed memories, hypervigilance, narcissistic parents, emotionally abusive parents, child abuse, narcissistic father, childhood emotional neglect, abuse, narcissistic mother, NPD, BPD, dysfunctional family
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
2:52 Is it From Childhood Trauma?
4:35 Connect With Me
5:39 Childhood Trauma Categories
5:49 Childhood Trauma Categories - #1 Neglect
6:53 Childhood Trauma Categories - #2 Criticism and Contempt
7:55 Childhood Trauma Categories - #3 Dysfunctional Parent Modeling
17:53 Jill's Core Beliefs
18:03 Jill's Core Beliefs - #1 Shame
18:37 Jill's Core Beliefs - #2 Control
19:59 Jill's Core Beliefs - #3 Security
23:05 How to Work on It
23:34 How to Work on It - What is your decision making process?
24:19 How to Work on It - What is the fear?
24:48 How to Work on It - Is the fear from Childhood Trauma?
25:54 How to Work on It - What's needed for security?
27:12 Final Thoughts
29:21 Outro
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
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Who else felt personally targeted by the title 😂
Targeted? Yea- But in a REALLY GOOD WAY!! The word I'd apply would be Supported cause boy is this an issue I have had. Self-doubt can be crippling.
I feel understood & not a uniquely terrible person. (And I know your comment is made in good humor)
I was on my "lunch break" today...which really meant i was still at work trying to decide what to eat, whether to eat at all, if i did eat where would i go, trying to decide if i wanted to spend money on lunch and if so how much money and how many calories to allow, and if i should drive or walk to the place down the road...for fifteen minutes i was paralyzed over a sandwich... And then i glanced at my phone and saw the title and laughed out loud. Definitely personally targeted.
Im trying to make a decision on weather to reply to your question or not
Me😂
I'm 42 and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Thanks mom and dad.
I highly suggest you have a look at the works of the following psychologists: Dr. Gabor Maté on trauma, Dr. Carol Dweck on identity/mindset and Dr. Jordan Peterson on meaning/purpose. These were huge helpers for me. Best wishes
I’m 34 I only recently figured it out after having an opportunity fall into my lap, I’m launching my own company a cannabis logistics service. Next year I want to open a psychedelics wellness center for people with childhood traumas to come in and use
Psilocybin another Psychedelics (as well as other serious medical issues) at no charge. I believe I’ve found a way to do it.
literally same
Same
This may not have meant to be funny but I chuckled. I'm 34 and relate 100%.
Tell yourself, "I made the best decision that I could make at that time," for every decision you have made in life. ( Let that stress go.) ❤️❤️❤️
I practice doing this whenever I am racked with guilt over past errors in judgement.
Man, I feel like everytime I plan something or do make a decision, it goes wrong. Had someone else done it though, they wouldn't have had as many issues as I did. It never fails. I don't even think negatively, I'm optimistic when I have a goal or plan, but inevitably it tends to fail or not turn out as I'd hoped
It's what I told myself a few days ago when letting family go once notice of my inner critic only worsened since being away.
This really hit home because I hadn't realised quite how neurotic I was to research things for days/weeks before decisions. At some point enough is enough.
I'm, I still don't have a coffee table after 1 year of living in my house 😅
It has to be perfect 😭
@@amandamccallum9842 I have been here for more than 15 years & still don't have a wardrobe.
@@amandamccallum9842 moved two years ago and I still need furniture items 😭😭😭
Same
Oh my how I can relate! And then I just worry about the decision to make...lol.
Not having our feelings validated as a child leads us to learn that nothing we feel or want is correct, so why would we feel confident making decisions? I'm just starting to dig into this with my own therapist
Oof, this is so true it hurts.
Awesome. I’m 35 now and getting better myself. Learning how to read my gut. It seemed quite difficult at first but once my emotions started healing I felt better
Same in my adult life.
Yes truth ❤
@@Jo-lp1px Right On!! I've had the same experience as I get clearer! Fun, isn't it!!
All of the factors describe my parents so well but what affected me the most was being made to feel like I couldn’t make mistakes. My parents always chastised me. Instead of telling me to learn from them, they’d tell me how I should’ve foreseen the problem or how I should’ve been smarter enough to avoid it. It literally set me up to be scared of making decisions.
I can relate to that a lot. Also my parents come across as perfect they've never made any mistacks just ask them they think they are perfect and can do no wrong.
oh boy, can I relate to this! Here too, grew up in a highly critical environment where I was shown how to do something ONCE, if I was lucky, and I had better not make a mistake after that and if I got hurt then I was stupid and had to suffer in pain because I did something stupid. I look back at those days now and fully comprehend how messed up and neglectful that mindset of parenting (or non parenting) truly was.
me totally same
i relate so much!!! i feel our parents expected us to be fully formed adults as young children. it made life scary. i am with you
Same here. And then one day my dad saw me struggling and said, “You know, not making a decision is also making a decision.” To which I replied, “are you effing kidding me right now?”
"The most depressing thing that can affect a person's life is the unfulfilled life of their parents". This struck so strongly. I would love to figure out how to stop being so affected. The security bit is also very difficult for the larger choices.
Yes that one hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m literally trying not to be that parent right now and I’m finding it’s a struggle to be happy because whenever I’m not, I feel like my parent. I think learning to release the fear of being miserable and the excessive striving to make sure that I am not might help me live in the moment and breath so that I can enjoy life . I don’t know if that applies to you
Patrick has my number, in ALL of these videos. OMG on unfulfilling jobs. I have great anxiety with starting new jobs, and tend to apply for things I'm overqualified for (and so get bored/frustrated quickly at work). For years I also would get a new job every year (or work a full time job and pick up a part time, rotate the part time jobs). My childhood was impoverished, I started paying most of the rent and electric when I was in 5th grade.
I have great anxiety with money, more the lack of it, and am working a job I can't stand, because I just got another raise.
Or the most depressing thing that can affect a persons life is their parents having Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is worth learning about NPD as if you have suffered Narcissistic abuse it can leave a Narcissistic abuse shaped impression in your psyche, beliefs, attitudes, expectations & behaviour, which will very much attract other narcissists if you do not put some work into creating awareness & understanding & straightening out thinking patterns etc. I wish I had known about NPD earlier, rather than finding out in my late 50's as I could not make sense of my life at all untill I understood about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am gratefull to know now though as I was still waking up three or four times a night with my heart thudding, desperate to understand why my parents had said & done such odd things to me.
The way narcissistic parents treat you makes you more malleable, more manipulable, more impressionable, more gas-lightable, more guilt-trippable etc. So you are ready & well-suited to application of further narcissistic abuse. Once you know about it that can start to make some difference immediately.
Me too 😢
My parents have been a huge focus of mine lately just about the last six months I realized how much my issues with them bleeds, into all my other relationships
Wow, never realized parents not helping the kids could be classified as neglect. From an immigrant family, it was normal that my parents didn't understand how things worked here and couldn't help, and they were also working all the time. But they didn't even try to be honest - never took me to any after school programs or signed me up for any sports or anything enriching. The one time I convinced them to let me sing on the schools xmas album cuz I was one of several who got chosen by our choir teacher - they came to pick me back up very early, broke up the taping of it, and took me out of there as if something was wrong. Nothing was wrong, we were all just singing. They were total a-holes to be honest, they always ruined anything good I tried to do for myself. I remember sitting in my room in the evening trying to do my HW, and many times just straight bawling because I was so frustrated and didn't understand and had nobody to help me. I learned from an early age I couldn't ask them for anything, in fact the thought never even occurred to me. So sad.
This was heartbreaking to read. I’m so sorry your childhood was like this.
I feel you 💜 I hope you find what you need in life.
I'll bet you learned really early in life that you were all alone and that you had to do everything on your own if you wanted to get anywhere.
So sorry it was this way for you.
Eventually, you will reach the age where you will understand perspective. We all live different lives that shape who we are. I live in a predominantly Hispanic town. I know many like your parents. Their story isn't roses like many of us. They have seen things you will not. You are here, blessed with first-world problems. The proper emotion should be gratitude.
His mentioning “seeing life as one false move that’s finite, that’s forever” really hits home among other things.
This was absolutely my mother's worldview.
Mother 'mommy Dearest' CANCELLED my wedding cake & laughed in Glee when I cried; realizing my Wedding Reception Spoiled ( cruel, Warped mother)!
Idk how your childhood was but I think that comes with a scarcity mindset you grow up with. You think one bad move and it’s over and it’s such a strange thing to discover a lot of people don’t think like that. But it’s freeing because once you realize you can fail and keep moving forward, it gives you the option to fail but keep going knowing it can get better. It can always get worse but it can always get better too. Just wanted to add in.
The false moves are easy to keep track of.....but it's not so easy to count the moves that went well as "wins"
I made an uniformed medical decision for my great grandmother when I was 19.
I was the only one who showed up to the hospital for her even tho I was out of the country. My family laid into me for that decision but according to the doctors the alternative was death.
This was the starting point of my decision to go no contact with my family and while I don’t regret going nc, I spent 4 hours trying to buy a flashlight last week😅.
I’m a work in progress. Thank you for this easy to understand explanation.
Oh wow, my experience sounds so familiar to yours! Different details but similar story. I also don't regret going nc but could spend 4 hrs picking out a flashlight! 🤣 Ty for framing it in a way that made me giggle at myself a bit❤️
One day at a time is all we can do, at least you got the flashlight!
I spent 3 hours buying a headlight bulb. Thank you for sharing that. So much disappointment in my life has caused me to feel super unsafe about decisions. If I buy something that doesn’t work properly, even after thoroughly researching it, I hate myself a little bit. Also, I have this thing where I think everything is a scam so I don’t feel safe spending money. My inner child is sick of things blowing up in his face, he wants to hide away from the unsafe world but I’ve got living to do and he has a new adult in my recovering self so he’ll be fine even if I overpay the inferior light bulb.
@@saragates2255 np. Sometimes the funny frame is the only way I can get thru things. Glad we shared a chuckle.
@@DonTwanX I oscillate between feeling unsafe in my decisions and feeling invincible like I can do anything. it took me really being mindful of the circumstances that I realized that someone currently in my life speaks to me in a way that mirrors the way my family treated me when making decisions.
I can be confident in myself and my decisions but the moment they show up I cant pick up a pen without feeling this all encompassing fear that they’re gonna pop around the corner and say, “oh wow you’re writing with THAT hand??I can’t believe you let yourself do that.”
I know it can be crippling but I hope when you get that lightbulb it cuts thru the darkness with stunning clarity ❤️❤️
I make decisions and I always regret them... My fear is that I always regret my decisions no matter how much I tried to make the right decision... I always think the "other" decision was the correct one
I feel you.
First, it's hard to take a decision and I get obsessed and anxious about all possible outcomes. When I'm fed up with feeling anxious, I take an almost "forced" decision just to take a decision already. When I've finally decided, the outcome isn't what I was expecting when I did my calculations, so I feel bad because my neurotic self is like " it could be better ".
And it's like that always, it's never enough. I never feel enough or completely satisfied with what I decide or accomplish because it could be better. I could be better.
I am the same. I went back to school late in life to be a social worker but chose the program poorly. And i was ill equipped to work in that field due to my mental health and isolation. Never got any training to actually work with people. I wasted so much time and money. I feel doomed to bad decisions.
I find myself weighing pros and cons of each choice but after just making a decision that was like pulling teeth to make, I realize I have overlooked crucial parts and I rI gret the decisuon and keep mulling that part over and over. Then thinking oh what if I change my mind again. But often people get fed up with that. I wish I could be more care free at making decisions and take whatever the outcome is and not let it consume me.
Same!!!!!!!
I learned through therapeutic process to practice that every time I made a good decision I acknowledged myself with "good decision,way to go"and sat with it= experienced satisfaction
All decisions were treated as "life or death" with intense time pressure to decide--"make up your mind right now or you get nothing." If I made the "wrong" decision, I was verbally degraded. Many decisions were set up to trick me. So, yeah, I have anxiety with decisions.
My mother used to yell at me & get impatient with me because I could never decide anything. Looking back I realize that so many decisions were always made for me, what to eat, what to wear, what to do, that it really is no surprise that I had trouble with it. I still do. I went from an abusive home to an abusive marriage, where again, I had no voice. My needs & wants don't matter & when I do decide something, its my fault when it doesn't turn out right.
Wow ... this hit home.
I can relate. If I make a decision and something goes wrong I hear about for the rest of my life
Please, hug yourself, love yourself & pamper yourself. You DESERVE IT.
AND, get rid of the toxic people in your life! You don't have to repeat the mistakes of childhood. You know better now !
Wishing you peace & healing.
Had a similar experience with my mother who now looks at me and asks why I struggle to make decisions
Same with my step father. But one thing I’ve recently noticed is that it was a pressure cooker ya know. All that pressure. Nobody can do well with decision making inside of a pressure cooker tho eh? My self approach I think is more like remove the pressure cooker. Let myself be slow af and give them the middle finger if they think I’m “too slow.” Well some days at least I can do this better than other days I guess. perhaps I DO take too long to decide things but now I can see so much folly in all their idiotic rushing around and rushing me around. Like FR he made some really stupid decisions but yah never mind. We all still got to “hurry up” so we can be as stupid as he is (and of course he still thinks he’s the smartest person on earth) . 🙄😅
It wasn't just childhood trauma for me. Yes, that caused me to be incredibly insecure, indecisive and fearful of regret, but what really hammered it down was that in adulthood, the doom scenarios for decisions always actually played out. And sometimes there weren't even doom scenarios in my head, but things still turned out badly in ways I hadn't even imagined. Most of the decisions I have made in life have had such horrible outcomes and terrible consequences that I just no longer trust my own judgment and am more frozen than ever. My childhood laid the foundation, but adulthood seems to have cemented it. I'm not sure how one crawl out of that hole.
Has it not occurred to you to think that your trauma has caused you to make so many poor decisions?
I've found getting back in touch with "myself" or my feelings has helped me overcome this somewhat. Doing that means accepting feelings , even painful ones, and accepting that bad things happen in life no matter how well we make decisions. The bad feelings that come up from accepting that will pass!! Way quicker if you embrace and accept the situation, rather than fear what it means to fail or whatever may happen
I can relate. It really is a direct result of the childhood tho. And boy did my narc parents use it against me also. May as well tattoo a giant L on my forehead by now according to them. But fact is they decided that was how they’d see me from a very young age. But later I connected the dots and could see a lot more cause and effect. We do not magically just “know” all these things when we become an adult. It was all the things they never taught us or taught us wrong and they’re still all up in our heads and even in our bodies affecting everything we do to this day.
Have you ever watched the show Being Erica? (You can find it on RUclips)
It’s a show about a 30’ish single woman who feels like she’s not where she should be in life due to all of her bad decisions.
She stumbles onto a *magical* therapist who can send her back in time to events she thinks were pivotal to fix her list of regrets.
By experiencing the circumstances again with adult eyes she is able to see more sides to the situation than she could the first time she lived it and she brings that insight with her back in present day.
I still struggle with regrets and decision making sometimes but I have gone back to that show time and again because it’s so helpful and validating.
Are you me???
My difficulty in making decisions is not childhood related, it's adulthood related. Many wrong decisions have led to regret, so it's impossible to make major decisions.
I was struck with a memory listening to this. My mother would tell me many times that she stayed in her garbage jobs so I would qualify for FAFSA money and other kinds of accessibility opportunities. So I wound up internalizing that I was responsible and needed to be grateful for all the suffering the adults around me went through for my benefit. But dang it they could do responsible things like set up a saving account for my college funds, model working a job that was tolerable or enjoyable, being even vaguely responsible with money so we would be able to afford what mattered. It is not my fault that they were irresponsible and miserable all the time.
relatable honestly
i didn't like how they put themselves in that position of a "self-sacrificing" martyr (and my parents used their immigrant background as an excuse too), because they didn't have to do that
but they did for the moral superiority and transference of responsibility from themselves to the child (and they definitely expected to reap the benefits of your work because of their "parenting")
the neglect was very isolating, and even after i'm still left with that feeling of loneliness of still having no support system
“Hopefully we know that we’re being neurotic.” Got straight to the point!
I caught myself laughing bc this hit so hard. Hes right though 🥲
Even after years of work and therapy, this remains one of the most pervasive and disruptive problems in my life. I am nearly always in a freeze response (usually stuck in front of the television), avoiding decisions big and small. There's a lot that has caused this, much of which was mentioned in the video, but one that I also think might contribute is having childhood trauma and neglect itself: I have learned that a lot of my instincts are off and that it takes a lot of processing and reflection to understand the reality of situations. I often get caught up in details that don't actually serve me and miss big pictures. Or I get so caught up pleasing others that I am oblivious to my own needs and boundaries. I don't give myself space for rest, so I'll make choices that leave me burnt out or resentful. And the list goes on. Knowing this - how can I trust my own decisions? I've been trying to work on not pathologizing my trauma as a way to regain some trust in myself, but it's hard. I do also agree that remembering that I can always change my mind and change courses is an important step too.
Oh man I just want to wish you the very best on your journey to better mental health and confidently taking action in your life. You expressed this so well and it sounds like we’ve been living the same experience… it’s hard, I know.
Described me to a T…💔
Yes!!! When We have trauma around decision and then we do make bad decisions then it just reinforces the fact that we're not good at making decisions. Like choosing in a beautiful partner after you got out of an abusive home. So you loose trust in yourself.
Literally like paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong choice
For anyone struggling through this - neurodivergence may be a factor at play too. That “paralysis” feeling can often be a hallmark of ADHD as well
I never realized how much my childhood trauma affected me as an adult. I thought I was crazy.
This guy slowly making me realize that every single aspect of my personality is a childhood trauma response 💀 one video at a time
For real!! 😅 good comment
I used to have tremendous trouble with this. Two highly critical parents who solely focused on criticising the 'bad' and never praised 'the good' - thus all my decisions must be bad...
Absolutely this. Parents and teachers need to understand how important positive feedback is for people of all ages, not just little kids. When it's always negativity or nothing, then your brain gets attached to the negative.
me too, totally related
Same, it’s like no matter the outcome we’re taught there’s a flaw with it and therefore any decision we make is a bad one. I get analysis paralysis and often flee, I’ve been forcing myself to take more risks (opening my art shop on Etsy and now I’ve been selling some items from my childhood on eBay) both have been paying off but I still get gut feelings and anxiety that something will go wrong.
@@mrs.quills7061 me too
damn over here I am trying to go to uni but Allah putting a million hurdles in my way 😢 I want to study abroad now thought of going back to Pak to start degree from scratch at 21 making me not go
I also get paralyzed by small and big decisions. Recently I waffled about leaving my stressful job for months. It was a Sunday when I decided to talk to my bf about it. Right before the talk, my sister called asking for advice. She kept waffling and talking herself out of what I thought was the best decision. When we hung up, I decided I couldn’t do the same thing. So when I talked to my bf about my job, I stated my reasons why I should quit. He said “sounds good” and I said “ok I’ll turn in my notice Monday.” And I did. Our convo was all of 10 minutes. It was the right decision and I felt great.
Update
I related to this so deeply. I have struggled with an inner sense of security my entire life despite having competence, a strong personality and work ethic. I would get to the other side of something and then redirect my sails. Now, approaching 40, I recognize that I could have been successful on any one of those journeys, had I found the courage and faith to get there.
I see people every day who have that courage to put themselves out there. I used to think it was some special gene that I was not fortunate enough to inherit. Now I see strong, confident people as either having grown FROM strong roots, or as having grown strong roots to weather life’s challenges.
I think it ultimately requires turning those old, formative voices down and turning your own voice up.
Thank you for your videos. You are so warm, insightful and honest.
❤
I'm 33 and still struggling to figure out what I want to do 'when I grow up', as I always had my parents' version in my head of what they wanted me to be. I had a bad burnout after working in corporates for 10 years but now every time I try to find something different to do it seems my mind goes blank or am very undecided. Could you perhaps do a video on finding the right type of job/field that is suitable to someone who grew up in a toxic family, please?
Alex Howard seems to look at burn out and fatigue in more detail, you might find him helpful? (I burnt out badly too, swinging between a 'proper job' as my 'survival self' and things I was interested in but had no clue how to do 'safely' amongst other people)
@@lilyl5492 sorry to hear that, I know exactly what you mean. Not easy to go through but there is hope! I started volunteering in the meantime and luckily found a few lovely people, it really helps ❤. I also go on a lot of nature walks. Thanks for the suggestion, will definitely check it out! We got this 🤗
a proper big five personality test can give you at least a hint to what you will like, since traits are basically abstractions of what you like / identify with. you probably also should take unresolved traumas into account. you might avoid jobs associated with them, or even focus on the to get some learning/healing of that. then you have a frame in which there is still plenty to pick, since it is more abstract. hope that helped :)
Same age and I completely am with you on all you wrote. I have no idea what I want to do, what I like, what I don’t want. It’s exhausting and paralysing
I'm 33 and relate as well. Recovering from burnout & depression. I feel like I used to have more of an idea, but the more I heal the less I know.
Its so scary to make a decision
How about the parent who had anger issues and could flip like a switch? One minute things were ok, then just angry and mean. Everything including mistakes was blown out of proportion, and we weren’t really allowed to make our own decisions unless of course they agreed with the parent’s decision. I still have trouble making decisions r/t fear of mistakes…. not able to trust self.
My parent was like that, when she died in her sleep at the age of 64, it came out that she regularly took small doses of narcotics which she bought from a cousin of mine. I believe her anger was due to withdrawal syndromes/abstinence. She would get so angry that she became violent and get into fistfights with her SO and her voice changed into a very manly voice. Completely unstable person, couldn't be trusted.
This is my mother , it has caused me to resent her.
When you're asked a question, and you give your honest answer, but it wasn't what they wanted to hear.
When you asked a question that made them uncomfortable and they lost it.
When your mother would take things out on you, because you aggravated your dad.
When you'd be getting screamed at in your face, and asked why you'd done something, you'd try to answer, but you were too frightened to think clearly, while a huge adult was throiia temper tantrum like the worst two year old, and also telling you you're not allowed to cry.
It just goes on and on 🥺
wow, really resonated with all of this. it makes my heart hurt to think about how much better life could have been. anyone else feeling this way?
Me 🙋🏻♀️
I’ve had this thought too many times, I’ve personally realized that why not push to make your life the way you want now. What feelings did you want to feel that you missed out on? Can u replicate it in the now? It is really sad though. Our innocence was taken from us too soon. You aren’t alone!
This was incredibly healing and gave me an “aha!” moment around my fear and shame surrounding taking risks. As a kid I was constantly criticized by my parent - feeling as if I couldn’t do anything right. This is best described in a moment when I was younger and not allowed to pour my own glass of milk until I was after 8 years old because “I didn’t do it right.” Doing things incorrectly as a child would often result in abuse - verbal or physical. I tried to think of a time when I DIDN’T have that inner voice telling me I couldn’t make the right decisions or do things properly.
It brought me to tears as I realized that a big reason I have such trouble making decisions is out of conditioned fears around handling the consequences and shame that I am inherently incompetent.
I’m now trying to channel my innocent child self before I was conditioned to believe I did things wrongly. An unscathed version me who just simply acted and made decisions by my own accord - unshackled by the restraints of shame.
Thank you SO much for this video!
This constant comparison with other siblings or fellows just destroys a kid.
Oh man, that hit home. When I go visit my parents there’s still one way to do everything and if I don’t do it that way, I’m doing it wrong. I’m going to have to think about this and how it impacts me. As I’ve gotten older it’s become really obvious how frozen I am.
Thank you so much for sharing. This is almost exactly what happened to me as a child. In my case, being constantly criticized by both parties (mother and father) and being the scapegoat of the family really took a tool in my mental health. Hope you the best and may we recover day by day!
Omg this is probably my reason too because although I came from an immigrant family and they didn’t know how to help me a lot of times but I felt like my siblings tried to. Mainly I remember the criticism of not doing good enough in school and also being criticized for the way I do things either cleaning, sleep patterns, clothes or being able to do things. It’s weird because as much as I was expected to learn things on my own i was unrealistically expected to do really well and was always enrolled in AP and honors classes because I was always being pushed to do so. I feel shame in making the wrong decision because I think my parents made me feel super pressured and incompetent when I would be allowed to make one. I think their fear around decisions made them controlling of me and then I became fearful of making decisions too. And that’s why I also research everything for days or week and I won’t make a purchase until months later.
I live in constant fear of not making the best choice - because I would get criticized for it. So I dither and try to avoid making decisions.
Looking forward to this one. Age 60+, I realize only now how practiced I am in the art of feeling stuck. Want to unlearn my habitual feeling of “learned helplessness” before I’m too much older- - it’s getting old!…even if I feel less so!
I feel your pain. I agonize over the smallest things sometimes! Not to mention the big ones…and I’m 64. I work on my learned helplessness by doing little things that require asking myself what I REALLY want. Although sometimes I regret my decision, it feels good that I actually made one!
@@barbaras676 Wonderful
I just spent 3 hours grocery shopping yesterday!
my friend who gave me a ride had other things to do, and I couldn't get myself to "hurry up"!
Hello , I think that "even if I feel less so " on getting older is a great sign of a healthy sense of spirit ! Good going!
Tell me about it. I’m 35 yrs old & my dad has had to financially support me almost my entire adult life yet, I still cannot identify how to fix this & be self sufficient. I truly feel utterly helpless
It made me laugh so hard when he said "hopefully we know we're being neurotic"
This was new news to me🤣😭 i thought it was my anxiety
P.s keep oscillating between obsessive and impulsive. It's been this or that since childhood. Either i never make the decision and keep obsessing and wait till I'm pushed in some direction or i just take absolute decisions in the moment in my extreme emotional state.
My fear of decision making or simply dealing with things stems from my childhood. I was bought up by a mother who constantly put me down, never thought I was good enough and would tell me I was useless at every opportunity. I procrastinate over everything for the fear of being wrong. I over analyse every situation and it triggers the flight or fight response. I either run away to avoid making a decision or I get aggressive in an attempt to protect myself from the perceived negative outcome that might happen. It's a truly draining and awful way to live. Constantly living behind my imaginary wall of fear. It's a soul and life destroyer.
I was in a really toxic workplace and I left after getting screamed at with nothing lined up, two years later I'm beating myself up to this day because the job hopping has made me accrue tons of debt with interest and paying rent. I'm still trying to come to terms with it and staying in the present.
Ur not alone.... good luck 🙏
I’ve always struggled with decisions. I’ve never thought to look at what my process is, but now that you say it I realize I sit in paralysis until I can find an angle of coming at it that shows my choice is helping someone else. I seem incapable of making a choice simply for my own happiness. I think the best example of this is when I got a puppy. I’d always wanted a puppy and my husband’s coworker had an accidental litter. My husband suggested we adopt one and I hemmed and hawed and read blogs and yelp reviews of local puppy classes until the puppies were 8 weeks old and I still hadn’t made a choice. Then I was told that every single person who had initially wanted a puppy had flaked out and this guy was stuck with 7 puppies and no homes. So, then I was “helping him out”. Then I had to pick one of seven puppies! In the end I couldn’t even feel happy, just dread and uncertainty as we drove home with a new dog (who I still have and love very much).
I went through a similar situation with adopting a cat where I finally made the decision and said yes, paid the fees and then the dread of raising a kitten set in and all the ways I could screw it up, which sent me into panic mode. Then, I ended up surrendering the cat before I even brought it home. The next day, I am regretting the fact the I didn't bring the kitten home because once my emotions calmed down I thought I would have figured out how to take care of him. I get paralyzed making decisions because of the mistrust in myself and fear of what my family will say/think. It's so debilitating in everyday life. The only way I arrive at a decision is if it's done impulsively and , like you said, if it means someone else will be helped out or happy.
It is hard and almost always end up feeling like there was a better choice (a more responsable one) and start feeling afraid of the consequences as if it were life or death situations
Same here. All the flipping damn time 😭
I fluctuate between obsessing over decisions and then just not caring anymore
I’d also like to mention that validating your feelings have a lot to do with making decisions as well. Making choices that feel good or right isn’t common if you’ve been taught to invalidate your feelings.
Being spontaneous is a no go for childhood trauma survivors imo.
Constantly having to brace for impact got me stuck in a loop of what ifs. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t became my mantra.
Spontaneity is not necessarily the problem.
It's knowing what you want, then deciding to act on it. That's the problem. Having a conviction that your needs and wants are valid and to be respected.
I can be very spontaneous, but it's been a serious roll of the dice sometimes as it's been really foolish or dangerous.
I felt this in my bones
I think that depends of the "flavour" of your particular trauma.
Spontaneity may also be a survival tactic if it allows you to decide on something more trivial to avoid a truly weighty decision.
Your lack of spontaneity is one flavor in a whole ice cream shop of traumas imo
And it’s like I remain in a constant state of “the WHAT IFS” I was taught so well and deeply. This for the work you give
I tell myself it's better to regret having tried and it going poorly than to always wonder what would've happened... But it's easier said than done!
My jaw is on the floor because it's like you're narrating my childhood back to me with startling accuracy. I'm in my late 30's and have battled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember; using coping skills I stumbled upon on my own, many of which were/are unhealthy and self-destructive. Growing up I was routinely physically and emotionally abused by my older brother, tolerated by my parents (who demanded perfection, and idolized my brothers), and stuck in a religious community that I felt absolutely no connection with other than shared resentment. I know this video is NOT a form of treatment or a professional assessment of myself, but I still find comfort in the fact that it's helped me connect enough dots to realize that I cant keep doing this on my own. I need help.
Truly, thank you for these insights.
In addition to be at the other end of hyper criticism, witnessing one parent hyper criticize the other is also traumatic, causing decisioning paralysis in later life
Wow damn ... I realized that for the entirety of my adult life I have avoided making decisions and waited until the brink of disaster and let situation force me to act quickly for better or worse.
Wow your words caused me to have an epiphany! While I don't wait for the brink of disaster...I do find it easier to make emergency arrangements and decisions vs planning out a proper course of action and taking care of putting it in place. The reasoning is probably that if its last minute there isn't really too many choices and there's no blame if it isn't the best decision. Thanks for the clarity
you've helped me by FAR more than any of the 20-30 therapists/psychiatrists I've had in the past decade. thank you for posting these videos and i truly hope that you have someone for you that grounds you as much as you've grounded me (and many other people)
This resonates with me big time. I moved from the 'eff it anything goes' attitude when young to paralysing overanalysis as I've gotten older. I understand the mechanism behind it but man is it difficult taking action.
Same
Once I sobered up in my mid twenties I realized I was not actually a free spirited extrovert. I’m actually a highly anxious introvert and perfectionist 😅
@@clairewillow6475 same! Having a child of my own was what flipped my switch. Now I'm trying to help myself and not mess him up at the same time.
This was so enlightening and it resonates so much with me, my childhood experiences and those around me that have had similar experiences.
My takeaways:
1) The most depressing thing that can affect a persons life is the unfulfilled life of their parents. Any child wants their parents to be happy so they can be more engaged with their children.
2) we have the right to change our mind. We can make decisions and when things get complicated we can modify our decision. We have options
3) As adults now, we can step in and tolerate what’s on the other side of decisions and that usually comes with more flow and JOY!
Simply thank you! 🙏🏼
This and performance anxiety + fear of judgement are a huge part of why I’ve never pursued my arts in studies or in a career, or even as a hobby. I’ve been paralyzed from recording my own music because of fear, perfectionism, insecurity. Same goes for forcing myself into less creative career choices that looked sensible on paper but were a terrible fit in reality. I’m lucky I’ve landed somewhere more creative and supportive but I still can’t help but feel that sick and jealous desperation of the unrealized artist stymied by fear and trauma. Could you talk about performance anxiety and similar in a future video?
Same here..
So many of us relate. Thank you for sharing yourself on this forum.
One more step toward healing and a better more fulfilling life and future
I felt like I got a slap in my face reading your comment jeez,,,, are you literally me? Well, i hope we can all find our pockets of happiness wherever we've ended up :))
I can totally relate. I loved art (especially drawing) when I was younger, but the older I got and the more hard on myself, the more overwhelming and toxic the process of art was for me. I would set the expectations too high for myself and then beat myself up about how I did on whatever piece of art. On top of that, it was hard to start in the first place because there were too many possibilities and that was overwhelming. I would worry about choosing the right concept/design, whether people would understand or resonate with it, etc. I also went through the same thing as you where I chose careers that involved completely objective topics like math to escape my own self-torture when it comes to subjective decision making. But it's not what I actually wanted to do. I have recently been rediscovering art through cookie decorating, which works really well for me because I'm limiting my options. I'm not as hard on myself because I know it's difficult to make food into art, so anything would be good. Without the pressure, I've been able to flourish and make some really cool cookies without judging if I make mistakes or they don't come out perfectly right. It's a great exercise in healing when it comes to art and perfectionism. I wonder if there's an analogous type of pursuit but in the field of music that you could try. In my experience, the way to combat perfectionism and insecurity associated with art is to find a creative pursuit that allows you to let down your expectations for yourself from the very beginning. Sometimes that involves an unconventional type of art where there aren't too many people to compare yourself to. Then there's space to do a shitty job at first and you can grow slowly and naturally while enjoying the journey.
As I child, my aunt, uncle and my dad's girlfriend used to mock and ridicule me whenever I expressed my most authentic self. I remember I used to pretend their mean feedback didn't affect me not to give them the satisfaction, but it definetly left a huge mark up until now. I am trying to develop as an artist, and the fear of being ridiculed and feeling ashamed leaves me frozen half of the time, while the other half I spend looking at my works and not being sure at all if they are worthy of being shown, if I'd be the only one to like them, or even what's their value when it comes to pricing.
This video came in the perfect timing and I very much appreciate it, thank you Patrick 🌻🌻🌻🙏🏻❤️
I remember my middle sister being her authentic self and it caused so much trouble in our household that it was traumatizing so I just followed in the footsteps of my old assistant who my parents, perfect. And then I wound up actually being like my middle sister having tried to be like my oldest sister and doing the standard American dream BS. What a mess
I am on the precipice of making a huge, hard, positive life decision.
I’m doing great work in therapy but am feeling stuck and frozen. This video helped me to have a good release cry.
This video literally explains me in a nutshell. From having relationships that went on for far too long to the doubt of leaving a job that I know I shouldn’t be in anymore, these are situations that I am currently going through right now. I never really summed up this indecisiveness to start from childhood trauma/neglect. I always told myself that “my life wasn’t so bad compared to others” and that I’m “overreacting” but really I think at this point I feel like I need to start taking the steps to heal myself from past events that lead me to be this way. Also for me I have an issue with letting people take advantage of me or that I’m always “too nice”. I’m currently anticipating the holidays so I’ll have some days off to start applying to other jobs away from home to try to escape my toxic environment.. I hope by making this decision it well help me grow and that the grass will be greener! Thank you so much for this video!
I wonder if you were made to doubt your reactions to things you didn't like as a child? I also have the I'm overreacting part of me, a bit like gaslighting yourself at times because I often not validated for having feelings that were perfectly natural to have given the circumstances
Girl you are me 😭 , I am in this situation where I am in a college major qi don't like and I want to change it but I have already spent 3 years studying it and forcing myself thinking I will love it with time but I did not
@@thirteeenth137I did the same thing in college 😂😂 got my bachelors in accounting and have no interest in accounting!! I only liked it because my dad did it for a living and wanted to make him proud. But I’m actually interested in psychology. So I’m back in school for my masters in business to possibly become a manager or HR manager because I like dealing with people. And even going back to school for the MBA, I feel like I rushed it and should have waited because my life is a mess right now.
Whoosh. This video is appreciated. Age 29 was finally the beginning of the end of my codependent indecisiveness. It started when I got a dog without my family’s approval. I finally stopped calling my family for validation. It turns out I can trust myself, and I am now able to stand up for myself at work, keep my pets happy, healthy, and well-trained, and (this is shocking) maintain healthy relationships with friends, coworkers, and a good man who is now my fiancé. Your content has helped inform these changes and I’m so grateful. Thank you for your clarity, as always.
I would love to hear from you about including family members in events without sacrificing one’s own happiness. We’re planning a wedding and navigating a potentially rocky guest list. Any advice?
It is your wedding and big day. Invite who you feel like inviting.
Patrick, I cannot tell you how much your videos mean to me. You have been so helpful with me understanding how my childhood trauma has affected me! I'm currently in therapy and without your videos I listen to in between sessions, I don't know how I'd make it through. The changes you make to those of us who tune in are noticeable!
So much of this video resonated with me, but one thing that stood out was the belief that my inner child has that once you choose a person to be in a relationship with, that decision is FOREVER and your happiness has nothing to do with it. I stayed in two miserable marriages (which wouldn't have happened at all if I had understood childhood trama back then) past the point of any sane person because I said "For better or for worse".
I mean this is the story of my life. Worst one was my wedding. I tried planning and would drop it for 3 years. By the end of it, I just gave up and we signed the papers. Everything that could have gone wrong did (I paid for a ceremony, but my husband and I are both a hot mess, so we didn't think of actually preparing until day of. We got there late, undressed, and excited. The freaking officiant got mad at us for "not taking this seriously" and basically refused to do anything but sign the papers. They suggested we do this another, but I knew if we didn't do it then, there'd probably be no chance until years from then).
It's been 2 years now and man do I regret not having that wedding. Of course my inner child is declaring that it was my ONE TIME I could feel special and look pretty, but my adult self knows (and is already planning) that vow renewals exist and serve the same purpose.
Anyways, I'm really glad I found your channel. I found myself at the lower end of a days long spiral and I got a notification for this video. These videos have helped tremendously. Especially when it comes to parenting my own kids. Figuring out what's triggering me helps me to avoid doing it to them. My mom was adopted, and I was put in foster care. I declared as a kid that that cycle ended with me, and I'm determined to see it through. Both my kids have already passed the age when I was put in foster care.
Hi Alexus ... this random person on the internet says: Weddings are so much work! Better to just sign papers and have a little low key party or picnic. Weddings are expensive and they are ridiculous. The real heart of a relationship is a life lived. You have done an amazing thing by stopping the foster care cycle - you are incredible! Great work mum!
I am sorry you feel regret about not investing in a wedding... yet if I could suggest reframing it? Calculate the money you would have spent on an wedding and then treat your family over many celebrations. Much better way to spend money with deeper and more beautiful memories. Seriously the people that have wedding memories as their most fond memories aren't doing it right.... it's the marriage not the wedding that counts. Sending best wishes!
I can understand wanting the party, it's status and acceptance and the socially required step for that status. But a marriage is not about the validation of the party, and the goal of the ceremony is that higher purpose of the marriage itself, it's the public declaration of that part that you might have missed. And after the party comes the, 'what's next.' What's the next goal in your life? Seek out Jordan Peterson's videos.
Getting past childhood trauma is a great start, but then you are left with 'who am I?' 'what is my reason for being here?'
Our suffering doesn't end there, all of life is grappling with this daily, and it changes throughout the stages of our lives. Much of our ruminating or being stuck is wasting our potential to be who we are.
@@marywiggins7411 I've seen Jordan Peterson's videos. He's just a "stupid person's idea of a smart person" and a right winger. There are plenty of other non toxic people who offer better life advice that doesn't revolve around business and capitalism.
Silly question but have you and your husband ever thought you could have ADHD? And remember that there is the inattentive type which manifests quite differently from whatever image we conjure up when we think of ADHD (little to no hyperactivity, but quite a lot of daydreaming and zoning out). Try watching some of Gabor Mate’s talks on the topic
@@Limemill yeah I've definitely considered this, but I've been evaluated for my mental health a few times and I've never been diagnosed. I've got borderline personality disorder, depression and PTSD, but no adhd
I experienced daily ridicule as a child, this video helped me understand that I'm still run by this fear of ridicule and verbal abuse from others. It's what motivates my indecision. Currently rewiring myself to understand that if other people treat me that way, it's THEIR problem and not mine. It's a reflection of them. The next step is learning how to stick up for myself, as I was never defended stuck up for when I got ridiculed. Huge anxiety around this. Thanks again, Patrick 💖
Wow 🤯 This was excellent. My mom keeps harping that my indecisiveness is a problem. Now I realize she may have actually contributed to the problem that she keeps pointing out lmao 🤣
I was promised a new bedroom set, even going to the length of letting me choose the color and style, and after months of promises…nothing. Years later they still asked me if I wanted the set. I was adamant that I did, but then, I was too “old” and going off to college. They complained about why I kept insisting I could use the new set because it was my fathers’ old dresser set, and was no longer in decent shape.
I had to glue the fronts back on more than a few times and still, they got new cars and a remolded kitchen.
I slept on a twin bed till college while my father had the den/ separate bedroom with a queen for guests.
As an only child, who was supposedly such a “blessing” I realized far too late, that they were just living vicariously through me. Once I was no longer what they wanted, I was discarded. I still lived with my Dad until he passed from cancer. It was a wake up call.
Thank you for this video!!!!
15:55
Your energy, compassion and personality are so (platonically) lovable 💕 You show that you can heal from developmental trauma, neglect and abuse.
Patrick is a role model for us, too, isn't he? I appreciate his being open with us about what he's come through
@@amarbyrd2520 definitely big YES!
@@amarbyrd2520 he is so Wonderful
agreed ❤
Deciding not to decide, is deciding after all...
Thank- you, Patrick. What an awesomely caring and helpful video!!
I disagree.
NOT making a decision, is NOT deciding to not decide!
Avoiding making decisions is absence of input.
I suppose this is one of those conundrums that will be argued over forever and not satisfy either camp.
Or maybe I am the only one in this camp, lol.
@@brianjones3191 Yea- It is a conundrum in this Universe of Duality.
I do see your take on it too!
@@brianjones3191 ??not deciding it's like saying no or yes ,if i ask you for a cigarette and you don't respond ,that's a no ,if im eating your sandwich and you aren't doing anything about it , that's a yes for me to continue eating your sandwich
@@gesudinazaret9259
Silence can mean anything, but should be taken as refusal, yes.
If you eat my sandwich because I am not telling you to stop, it is assuming consent on my part, based on insufficient input from me.
It should not be considered consent if no input is given.
Throwing one’s hands in the air and choosing the (for example) red pill over the blue pill is more akin to chance than it is to making a responsible and thoughtful choice.
What about not choosing either pill, again due to not being able to choose (or decide) - it could be argued either way - that the absence of choosing is choosing to not choose; or that it isn’t choosing: not deciding.
It is not clear cut.
Grew up with anger issue afflicted parents. My father would break down my mother as well as me and my siblings. In turn my mother would break us down any chance she had. Very miserable, shit talking people. Now at 22 I’m barely taking on the battle’s everyday to stick up for myself rather putting up with blatant disrespect. I am worthy of greatness and am done waiting for anyone to notice.
I’ve had the hardest time with making decisions since I was a child. I don’t know how far back it started but I figured it is because I have issues with control, due to the trauma I’ve experienced. Decisions scare me because it always brings about change and it makes me feel unsafe. I can’t control new things and i try my hardest to prevent myself from making the wrong, unsafe choice. I hate that I always underestimate myself though. I have already proven to handle the most extreme things and yet I still have to convince myself that I can, if the decisions I make go bad.
It occurs to me that all this can be at the root of procrastination. I've been told that not making a decision is still a decision in itself, with positives and negatives. Thank you for helping me to see I must see the fear at root of indecision clearly to address it. This video is what I needed today and I can't thank you enough for putting this out into the world. There must be so many people it is helping
I'm trying to decide when to watch the video. (not kidding)
@@ibberman have you watched it since? :)
Creative practices have, in my experience, been a crucial, low-stakes, experiential ingredient (alongside trauma therapy & trauma education) for building my muscles of action / flow / improvisation / adjusting / security in my abilities to change my mind or deal with imperfection, disappointment, or other outcomes. I still have issues around decisions, of course -- I'm having an issue today, in fact! -- but my non-perfectionist creative practices definitely help a lot with the ongoing healing and development of a more mature and expansive decision-making apparatus
… The RUclips algorithm gathered all the evidence it needed; and served me this video on a golden platter.
I can remember every hit, every punch and threat my father gave me that changed me forever. Crystal clear. Since 2014 i have wanted to create a youtube channel and to this day i still struggle with the decission due to fear. I have seen my channel ideas being done by others and thrive which makes me feel worst. 38 years and counting and I only want to sleep and fade away.
I feel exactly like you. What are we gonna do? We gonna let things beat us? I am attempted to, but ego also rises up. It's sometimes the only thing that saves me from myself. Gets me up from the comfortable darkness I put myself in.
Everyone can make the same video, it’s the person who records it, that’s why we’re watching. Many could relate to you and you and they may never know. I’d suggest seeing a psychiatrist because wanting to sleep and jut fade away is a major sign of depression and is not a normal way to feel so you know something in your brain is imbalanced, which can be helped!! Hope you’re doing well.
Lack of Security "What made her secure was not making others upset with her!" Oh my, this is the story of my life!
This video describes my life. I can't even count how many times I've made a decision, followed through, talked to who I needed to talk to, and then completely went back on the decision a week later. It seems like things are in such a constant flux it's easier to go with the flow of other people than make a stand for myself and pave a true path. I can think of as many reasons to NOT do something as I can think of good ones to do it. I am trying to slowly trust myself, and think of myself as a strong person who can undergo any situation life throws at her. I'm sorry to anyone else who suffers this kind of indecision, it's paralyzed me and my life in so many ways, and I'm filled with deep regret over wasted time. I hope we can all slowly learn to lean on our own strength, fueled by passion, joy, and belief in ourselves.
“Taking in like a sketchy roommate” 🤣🤣🤣 that was funny. But great video! I definitely felt attacked! Lol
This video was very eye opening. For most of my life I’ve always had a hard time making decisions for myself with confidence. Recently I was diagnosed with ADHD, a condition that my parents never thought their child could have. My whole life I was told that I was lazy for doing things last minute or could never decide on anything. Always switching back and forth. This really hurt my self confidence and I find myself always asking for the validation of others in fear of making the “wrong” decision. Big or small decisions like what I want to order for dinner would put me in paralysis.
After watching this video, I’ve realized that my trauma not only stems from the experiences I’ve had being undiagnosed with ADHD, but also from the expectations of my parents. I’m the eldest child in my first generation family who’s parents immigrated from another country. The high expectations to be a role model as the oldest brother, as a son, and as a friend led me to always having fear of disappointing someone. Mix this with the financial hardship my parents went through to give me a better life further instilled how by absolute no means should I fail.
It’s a battle everyday in my mind that makes me depressed I feel. I am working on it by catching my thoughts and preparing myself to go finally schedule an appointment to see a therapist. Thanks for the video and I hope that those also struggling to come to terms with their trauma eventually find their peace
Hello Patrick,
This video on decision making paralysis was absolutely full of relevant insights and actionable concepts. I will have to rewatch this piece again 2 or 3 times (as I usually do with your videos), to fully "suck the marrow" from it.
I have been in "action paralysis" on more than one major life issue, for a couple of years now.
I am profoundly reassured to understand that, what I perceived as lack of wisdom, common sense, courage or self knowledge - is actually the byproduct of childhood patterns, family expectations and outdated or inappropriate survival strategies that are familiar, habitual and even unconscious for me.
These familiar triggers impact my perceptions, my self image and my decision making each day, moment to moment.
As I understand it, the overarching message of your platform is this;
The ineffective, unhealthy or misguided behaviors we develop (if we were raised in toxic family systems) do NOT prove we are emotionally weak, lacking in character or in intelligence.
Rather, we habitually employ techniques we were taught or developed in desperation because most of our role models' instincts were wrong.
It is as if we have been piloting our planes (or our lives) while running a faulty autopilot program. A well trained pilot is better equipped to deal with bad flight conditions.
A lifetime of copying unhealthy role models, toxic role play and pattern replay, forces t. f. s. survivors into habitual survival mode.
We unwittingly end up living there all the time - not because it feels good, but because it is familiar. And, what feels familiar feels PREDICTABLE and what is predictable feels SAFE.
Being unable to approach major choices with clarity, confidence or conviction is a PREDICTABLE RESPONSE to being raised in chaos.
me too
I don't know how this guy knows me, or seems to understand all this without living it all but, he's actually a person I would maybe trust in therapy....and I trust No One. So glad for these videos. Thank you 😊
That moment when you relate to ALL the categories of childhood trauma :’)
This is a great video and really resonated with me. I have been in therapy off and on since I was 18. (I'm now 66 and an attorney .) In early days, I thought that the decision-making would get easier, but what I learned was that all the old insecurities from childhood come back when I'm in a stressful or 'new' situation. Even though my narc mother has since passed away, I can still hear her criticizing me every time I take a risk. When I fail, I hear her 'rubbing it in' with the "who do you think you are?' Part of the reason I became well-educated was to be the opposite of her with her broken English and "I just got off the boat" vibe. I have learned to be okay no matter what and * do fine on the outside, but on the inside, it's like noticing a crack that you're worried will get bigger.
Thanks Patrick, excellent material, and on point as usual. The Shame/Control/Security triad as part of the dynamic keeping us stuck resonates. Children who did not get support, or were shamed for a decision they made, or did not have the security of knowing that there was a backup in case something goes wrong, that someone would be there to help....Or not wishing to risk current security by making decision. I all of these elements plays out later in life with decision making.
So spot on. Couldn't agree more. I'm always amazed how spot on these videos are and how validated I feel. So much insight into "what's my problem" (i.e. childhood trauma after effects!) My mouth was practically on the floor when he reviewed the Shame/Control/Security triad.....SOOOO MEEE!
I love and appreciate your more lengthy and in depth videos. Thank you, Patrick. My eyes well up every time I watch these videos. Finally, someone really understands. Finally, someone puts everything into words that I could never articulate, but only feel in my body. Finally, I feel validated and have clarity and have direction out of the fog of confusion, self doubt, and deep pain. Thank you.
As a kid, I made the mistake of telling my parents that I was sexually abused by their "best" friends. They did not believe it and made me the enemy.
My life got 1000x worse. That made making decisions very hard in my life.
Damn i am so sorry for you, the people that you should be able to trust did this to you 😭
Unbelievable that parents can react that way... so sorry
I’m so sorry you weren’t believed.
I recently was making the big decision on how to purchase an iPad because I want to continue my education and I thought it would be a good tool to assist in courses. I kept talking about it with my partner for months, going back and forth over if I should, and when I finally made a decision to buy it for weeks I kept asking my partner’s opinion on which deal was better.
We had a full blow up about it because my indecision and need for constant reassurance had overwhelmed him. I wound up crying andhaving a breakdown, explaining that I felt guilty and selfish for spending so much money on myself and him blowing up at me reminded me of when I’d look to my mother for reassurance and was met with disinterest, or she acted like she didn’t want to deal with whatever emotion I was feeling. We talked and things were fine between my partner and I. I ended up making a decision and am watching this video/making this comment on my 1 month old newly purchased iPad.
Searching today for a way to make a decision about my life. Patrick to the rescue again. Can’t wait for this.
Taking ages to make a decision to purchase something then when it arrives have buyers remorse for buying the wrong thing, which often it is not. Part of poverty consciousness.
I told my mother I might have to move to help my gf's sick father. My mother said "what if you can't get a good job, also I know how anxious getting a new job would make you." Every reason under the sun, she pulled it. Like her dad needs her and they want me to consider just... leaving him alone or leavibg my gf, that's what I heard when she said that. I sort mail for a financial firm. I make decent money considering that, but it just clicked that she's operating from a toxic place and it's kept me stuck in a mail sorting job for literally 15 years. She had my cousin, brother and father call me up to express concern and I could tell by the way my dad reacted she made it sound like I didn't know what I was doing. I told him my plan and within a second he was on board and supportive, so whats her deal? It's weird because, going against her makes me feel shame, but she doesn't directly shame me, she just makes it abundantly clear that this decision is hurtful to her with her tone of voice, but is saying things like "oh you might not be able to do it for xyz reasons" I love my gf and I would never let those messages come between me doing what I can for her in this life. Now I'm wondering: What would my mothers statements look like if I loved myself that much? Would I pick up on more of this behavior?
That description of your mother's behavior is extremely relatable
Thank you to every one of you that commented here and shared your stories. What you have to say is helpful.
Good timing, I been thinking about this lately.
I can be decisive with the small stuff or in my professional life. When comes to the big stuff though, relationship, career and commitments, I struggle.
Hanging on too long, and get laid off, instead of being pro-active and finding something on my own terms. Being wishy-washy in a potential relationship, then the opportunity passes. Over-analyzing or picky with a big purchase, then realizing it just wasted a bunch of time.
Life ends up making decisions for you.
My problem is the slightly reversed- life makes decisions for me, but they're never all that bad, so I'm convinced that if I keep riding this train, eventually my problems will be solved for me. But then the problems come back because I never actually solved them.
@@NoiseDay The sense is that though things seem okay, you have not been authentic and have not really made your own choices. So in the end, life does not feel right.
For me, I had a mother that would overthink each and every decision (for example, it took her 10 years to decide on a paint color for the main floor of her home and she finally chose beige). When I was growing up, this was incredibly frustrating and tedious - as a result I rebelled against that (and many other things) and have often made some compulsive decisions that have not always been in my best interests.
Yeah. But you made those decisions and learned right? A LOT better than waiting ten years to paint!
yes so you can imagine what she suffered at the hands of her parents! neglect?constant criticism? family dysfunction?
@@joannsmith3589 yes exactly. Her and all of her siblings are the same. Perfectionists, over thinkers and overachievers. And judgemental as hell to those that aren’t.
@@heyitsme5469 I think there's a factor of each generation accidentally damaging the subsequent
I strive to end the cycle, and be self aware and openly communicate to not pass on any more family trauma
it ends with me
but it is difficult to be compassionate that what my parents did was likely caused because of the pains they had, and how those changed them, and that I must be stronger than they were to not keep passing on issues like they did
Interesting how the other side of the coin looks like
This hit so close to home. Thank you
I NEEDED this video. Thank you.
Every time I try to do something nice for myself or fun, it is met with criticism or belittlement or invalidation. When I wanted anything nice as a kid I was told it's not practical or rational. I have to hide every good thing I want for myself. I have nobody to talk to about what my dreams and hopes used to be. I guess a therapist would be the only person who cares or at least has to act like they care, because at least they are a professional and I'm paying them, so I see money as security because if you have money then you don't need anyone and then you don't have to worry about people hating you for needing anything from them.
Thanks for another thought-provoking video, Patrick. I think I realised some time ago that I tend to be reluctant to commit to things because I always imagine them as permanent, everlasting changes, and enter in with the strong sense that there's no going back. This has been especially true around paid work. I can never leave a job, even if I hate it. At 22 I found a job where the hours suited me, but was dying inside from boredom. It was at a landscape gardening firm, and involved standing in a dark, windy barn for 8 hours a day with a clutch of miserable, knitting circle type middle aged women, who barely spoke to me or each other, potting on seedlings for minimum wage. I was losing the will to live by the 4th month of my 11 month stay, but couldn't leave. My co-workers (apart from the steady stream of casual staff - mainly students) regarded me as odd, having failed to figure out why I was there, and one of them routinely picked on me for no reason. It only ended when we were all laid-off for winter. They asked me back in the new year, but I politely declined! Both myself and my younger brother are the same in relationships, too. I've had to watch him settle down with a woman he was desperate to leave a year in to the relationship. His marriage had failed, and he had quickly moved in with this woman (his paramour). It was a case of co-habit in haste, repent at leisure, and he knew he'd made a mistake! I guessed he'd never break it off for fear of being single, but also got the feeling he didn't think he had the right to change his mind for fear that there'd somehow be hell to pay. I've always wondered where that comes from.
I love your writing style, do you write novels?
I always wondered how people could just pick out shampoo quickly without having to read and compare the labels. How could they be such risk takers I thought! Thank you for helping us grow closer to normalcy.
Genuinely appreciated the points here. Thank you
Excited to see this one!! Also, can you consider doing a video about the "high maintenance child" and the guilt and scapegoating that occurs for this child? I feel like a giant anomaly because most people who suffer from abuse are meak, parentified, and never allowed themselves to take up space. Some of us really never had the choice.
Some of us have crappy toxic households where we are also a chaotic burden, whether it be due to a brain injury or misc. psychiatric conditions.
There is no shame comparable to the shame of being an animalistic human for your whole childhood. If anyone can direct me towards a community of former "high maintenance" children who experienced abuse, please comment below if you can.
I 2nd this
oh gosh i so 2nd this! i feel the exact same way....the "high maintenance child" ......the guilt that that brings....
If you're interested, one thing that helps me a lot is thinking about how everyone has "support needs." I'm not "high functioning" or "low functioning," or a broken dishwasher that needs repair, but a human person with needs. I'm a person, not a problem, and I try to think about that when I see other people struggling, too. I first heard the phrase "support needs" when watching videos on ADHD and autism, but I've found the phrase helpful in all kinds of situations. ❤️🥄
@@gamewrit0058 I second this.
Starting with are we high maintenance, or were our parents low capability so guilted us to feel like we were the problem? 😉
This one hit close to home. I recently got out of a relationship and move house after almost a whole year of back and forth with myself, definitely stuck around longer because of that security. I'm still adjusting, and there's heaps I want to work on, but I've learned that despite how scary it seemed, it was a good decision.
I'm in the midst of this now. The back and forth... it's so painful. I'm so glad to see I'm not alone.
NEEDED THIS thanks for making this video
sometimes i sit down to work (i'm a concept artist, i need to finish my portifolio), and i keep neurotically going from one idea to the other, i have many projects in their early stages, but it's just so hard to commit to one. And then i open a game kinda compulsively, fleeing from the decision of commiting to work
now that i think about it, when i was like 11 or 12, my parents had an ugly breakup and for years it was a constant struggle of having to balance their constant efforts to corner me into chosing liking one or the other more, or cornering me into going against them so they could play the victim. My mom would say things like ''i do everything for you but you still visit your father, that means you like him more than me''. I couldn't dare even try to say i liked both equally or she'd go into a crying fit and threaten self harm. If i got upset with anything, even a neutral thing like being upset i lost to a difficult boss on a videogame, both of them would see the emotion and turn it like ''oh you're upset, that means you must think i'm not good enough a parent, therefore you should go live with your dad'' or ''oh what? you're upset? despite all ive done for you? you only see me as a money bag, you don't deserve any of the sacrifices i make''
no fucking wonder i suck at commiting to stuff. Just bombarded with impossible choices all the time. 3 things that helped a lot in lessening the paralysis were of course, therapy. But also a game and a movie. Stories like Spirited Away, where Chihiro has to face working on a place she doesn't want to be, but she does without giving up the truth of who she is on the inside. She never loses her name, she is still pursuing happiness and wonder every step of the way. She sulks and breaks down, then she gets up and rolls with it, and at times even find joy during the painful reality she has to face. And the game, called final fantasy, where your character never shies away from decisions, they embrace the new things of life fully and cheerfully. Those 2 really helped me model a better way of seeing things, that it doesn't have to be all this catastrophe all the time, since i had only had negative examples, those 2 became my guiding light, and my therapist has been guiding me through it in a way that i could have never done myself. And for that i'll be eternally thankful
There’s also the smothering where you can’t try things Bcuz they can’t let you ever scrape your knees. Of course the other parent was ready to thump my head for mistakes and would often “force decide” for me Bcuz I wasn’t doing it as fast as he wanted me to. Of course between codependent mom, alcoholic dad, the narc step father, messed up step siblings... there was so much more.
I think for me it’s more like not wanting to fail...or eff it all up...yet again. Like if I do, almost like it’s gonna prove the psychos right about me or something. Working on that I guess. Like constantly reminding myself that failing is just learning.
For me I’m “practicing” on the smaller things for now. Taking small chances and letting “wrong” or “imperfect” be ok or just a learning curve. Brilliant what you said tho. So true. Research everything and don’t take a leap which has a way of defeating the whole purpose of even trying. A lot of times I also feel (like you said) lost and like it’s just chaos Bcuz the bus just doesn’t have any wheels anymore. Like I don’t even know where I’m going or where I even want to go. Aimless or like Meh why does this even matter or pessimistic like what good would this ever do anyways?
As an adult nearing 40, I struggle so so much with this in my daily life, and more painfully, in my professional life. Every example is relatable. Thanks for this. And if you’ve got more on this topic, please cover it.
Wow, I’m so happy I stumbled across your video. So many things make sense now. Thank you.
This is really good. Appreciate ya!
Never stop healing 👊
Patrick's channel should be shared and promoted to no end
I am so happy for the long version. I commented on the short one and this helped me gaining insight and knowing: others struggle, too! Eating, dressing, getting up, going to bed, cooking, leaving the house, taking a nap,reading a book, watching a film, calling someone, taking responsability, self-care, accountability- or letting it be out of fear or whatever burden it is that I carry around.
Saw the title and subscribed. Will watch this later tonight!
i’m glad i came across this video today, thank you.
I've been working on this. I told family this week - it's okay if you chose to misunderstand me. I'm okay with that.
-you guys are not very nice to me.
It's nice leaving it at that. I'm happy even when they're not the greatest. God is good. Bless you.