Chapters: 0:00 Intro 1:37 Tip #1: Over-Reading and Predicting 3:08 Tip #1: Over-Reading and Predicting (What to Do Instead) 4:27 Tip #2: Secrets Running in the Background 5:43 Tip #2: Secrets Running in the Background (What to Do Instead) 6:41 Tip #3: Over-Talking 7:38 Tip #3: Over-Talking (What to Do Instead) 8:43 Tip #4: Assuming They Know 10:22 Tip #4: Assuming They Know (What to Do Instead) 11:10 Tip #5: Over-Sharing 12:15 Tip #5: Over-Sharing (What to Do Instead) 13:33 Tip #6: Blurting Out 14:26 Tip #6: Blurting Out (What to Do Instead) 15:26 Final Thoughts 16:33 Outro
Hey Patrick! I was listening to a video while I made dinner on self-sabotage that you did I believe with your mentor, and I recognized in the role play between the inner adult and the inner child that I found myself feeling semi-triggered by Amanda(I think that’s who it was) and how she spoke to the inner child in a way that was so compassionate and understanding. The reason why is because I felt like if she were speaking to me in that moment, she would be talking “down” to me like I was not emotionally able to handle the conversation. That seems like it’s a harsh judgment, but growing up I recognize that a good bit of my autonomy and ability to grow into individuality was stifled by my mother trying to do everything for me and by my father expecting treating me like I was less mature than my age. I was expected to be more mature than them, but treated like I was significantly less mature than your “average” 9-15 year old. Even until I moved out of the house and after that, honestly. My question is, do you have any videos about navigating this issue? How do I speak as an inner adult to my inner child in a way that is compassionate, loving, and validating in a way my emotions did not receive validation without also triggering a feeling like I’m being talked down to or treated as less intelligent because of it? Edit: I feel it is important to note that at the time of writing this comment I am about four days past sending my no contact letter to my parents. There are many, many fresh emotions and so many things I am just now discovering I have felt inside for so long. Those feelings are informing some of what is happening here, and it’s entirely possible those feelings are affecting my perspective or interpretation of what Amanda said. Nevertheless, I felt it was an important question.
Ah yeah me too. I find i go through lifes struggles alone to make sure I'm not 'burdening' anyone this infact hinders my relationships but i dont know any other way. X
Same here. It all comes from everybody starting out their response with “I’ve been so busy. “ it feels like They’re basically telling me that they’re too busy to deal with me. Or that they’ve decided they can tolerate dealing with me for a few minutes, so they respond. I’ve stopped reaching out to these people and guess what. They never check in with me.
Well I don’t think it’s completely an “us” problem, with the number of people acting like even small, basic interactions - even from supposed friends - are such a crushing burden on their energy and “peace”.
Yes! I just reached out to someone this morming, so I can book their service, and they haven't replied... I've been thinking about it all day. Perhaps they don't like me and don't care to have my business. But I also tell myself, if they choose to ignore my message, maybe that says more about them than me. It's so hard. I have PTSD and I was SA'd and neglected as a child. I truly wonder if perhaps I'm overthinking stuff.
“Go into a social situation as just you, not what happened to you.” This is so helpful. For me, I could use, “Go into a social situation as the person your friends like, not what your mother thinks of you.” I’ll remember that, thank you.
There's also... lying? Not the lying of "I don't want to get in trouble", but more the story telling of "I'm boring, so I have to fib to seem cool". My worst and most persistent maladaptive trait was 'spicing up' the truth; implying hobbies I had no interest in, making up a more interesting personal life, fabricating dates and partners. I'd guess what they'd want to hear, or how I would write the events like it were a book. So I struggled either with getting caught, or only having surface level relationships built on a character of myself that I had to maintain.
Sometimes I try to view my situation as if I was just an outside observer, looking at a stranger. Would I judge that stranger just as harshly as I judge myself? If the answer is no and I am being too harsh, then I know I'm not being reasonable. I'm holding myself to a higher standard that I wouldn't hold someone else to and I need to bring my expectations down to a normal level.
We must become our best friend, because our best friend loves us, supports us, doesn"t give up on us, and most importantly, doesn't lie to us. They help us become our best self, by making us face our own darkness, one step at a time.
It’s after a social event , party, whatever that my anxiety is unbearable to deal with, not just during. Continuously re playing over my mind dumb things I said or saying something embarrassing faux pas stuff. It haunts me days after. I literally run off and quickly do anything to take my mind off a random past memory that creeps up of some social conversation, years after in happened! It is so crippling. I try my best to go with the flow in a social situation however my body reacts before my mind does, so I end up fidgeting, then I become aware of myself even more, try to act normal, smile along, make eye contact, nodding away in agreement, even though I have no idea what conversation is about. I’m lost when I’m around people, but feel at home and at peace when I’m alone.
Me too!!! I expect it now and make myself a safe place to process. I make sure I have food and tea. It can take a few days sometimes. I’ve learned that the intensity always passes.
@Opinionatedcancer I worked in customer service too, for 20 years! I loved my job and the time I was working there, my confidence greatly improved, however the feeling of unworthiness was always there in the background from having my self esteem destroyed by teachers since infant school, (undiagnosed adhd) that I can never shake off. I’m in my early 40’s now, and in all that time, I have learned, observed and took stock to understand one thing. If you show any vulnerability or weakness to colleagues, friends and even your own family they will use it against you later on. Sad, I know. I can only count three people in my life who I can talk to with trust. Patrick stresses in his videos to speak to a safe person who you trust. That is so important in mental wellbeing. As far as I can discern there is messed up people everywhere in all backgrounds who are willing to take you down to get an inch ahead. Dog eat dog….🙄 I’m at point in my life where I am tired of masking, to be accepted in social circles. I’m not playing a role anymore. I have learned I enjoy my own company and I accept who I am. That’s all that matters. I’m simply not a social creature wanting to be accepted and liked.
@@Opinionatedcancer my partner has worked in customer service for about 5 years. He wins awards for his performance. I did the same job and lasted 6 months and had a total mental breakdown.
Love the recent reel on children being told they don't have common sense by abusive parents who have no awareness of child development, communication skills, or the need to explain things to people. People aren't mind readers, and children especially aren't so.
yeah, I was publically humiliated by my parents for failing to live up to unspoken standards and with no training-talk about a no win situation-and as a kid that processes as i’m less than everyone else. thank you for acknowledging that aspect of patrick’s wisdom!
Omg - that was my Mom's mantra about me from toddlerhood on. I haven't listened to this yet, this comment just jumped out at me... She not only said it to me, she found opportunities to bring it up alllll the time in conversations with others - even people we were just meeting in passing... I had no idea that was a thing! Can't wait to listen to this
My mom's catchphrase is still "common sense is not common". She was the only one who had this innate skill. My father and I lacked it, in her eyes, and so we were lacking
Thank you so much 😊 I feel that I belong to this community of people healing and being triumphant over their childhood abuse. I am 70 years old and it healing to hear your comments. Thank you.
Not gonna lie, I'm a busy parent with limited resources and I've been using RUclips to better and heal myself. Patrick is instrumental in this journey; he is the gift that keeps on giving.
I have a hard time making friends and want people to like me, so I tend to overtalk and at times, overshare, due to my anxiety and desire to connect. Then I get mad at myself for it. Thank you for explaining how to keep working on breaking this cycle.
I do the overtalking and feel so stupid afterwards oh my god. I think it is because I want to make sure I am understood because I've been gaslit so much
As if I am cheating my therapist with your talks. I am shocked that for the first time someone speaks so kindly to me and understands the deepest problems. My therapist tolerates all my behaviors without judgement but you understand. Thank you so much for your work
I get this 100% and have struggled with it. Also… There are a lot of miserable people out there that are exhibiting judgmental and narcissistic behavior that is real and not imagined. I’m glad that I have some of the hyper vigilant radar and balance that with pausing and giving the person a chance to get to know them and see patterns overtime. I love that I know how to create boundaries now. Some thing I never even knew existed or that I was allowed to have. It’s still a challenge but after doing a lot of work- it does get better
Its so good to hear that you are managing your way through all of this! The boundaries are the best thing one can have. Be thankful for that radar and always trust it - mine was never wrong. Unfortunately, I have chosen to ignore them far too often in the past. Will not happen again.
as someone who's learning boundaries and the process of getting to know someone with an open heart and without projecting, this is so great to hear :) and I'm proud of you!!! this is great
Thank you for this video. Really thought-provoking. Another issue that comes up is under-sharing. by freezing or feeling that no one would really be interested in what you would have to say and therefore saying very little. I find that rather than talking, I ask questions of the other person - having them do all the talking. You leave a "conversation" with the other person doing all the chatting and you saying almost nothing. This awkwardness leaves you feeling rather invisible.
I grew up in a family with a lot of "secrets" and isolation. I feel like I'm always awkward in a way because I didn't really learn what normal or healthy social interactions looked and felt like at an early age. I tend to keep people at arms length and have a constant neutral outer facade, but deeper emotions inside. I'm much more likely to be surprised that someone can tell what I'm thinking and feeling with very little expression. . .
Omg the overtalking! There have been times when it's like I can't stop my mouth. I see the person's interest waning or I realize I overshared, and all I can do is talk faster to get the story done sooner. So embarrassing! And I feel awful when people comment on it because my dad is even worse about it than me, so I know what the other side of it feels like.
When it's my turn to talk, a lot of the time, I end up tripping over my words and stuttering if the topic at hand is personal in nature. Could be as simple as telling someone my favorite color and why. I feel so... vulnerable in revealing things that are simple, everyday facts about myself. It's so so so embarrassing. Not to mention I think I will be talked over at any given second so I feel like I have to hurry, so my anxiety picks up, and my mouth cannot keep up with what I'm trying to say.
I got both from my parents. The world is full of rainbows and unicorns and they gave me overwhelmingly good reactions, but then when I didn't measure up to their expectations, they said why can't you be more like us. So I think my wires are crossed. Anyway, it makes me very anxious and also very germaphobic.
I was at a very posh function in Switzerland years ago, a wedding for a world famous singer. I was completely out of my depth and just trying to be friendly asked the woman sitting next to me what she did, she replied that she was a princess. And that was the end of the conversation, which was for the best 😅
Social anxiety is super bad for me because not only do I have childhood trauma, but I also have a physical disability (from birth) so in a sense I have a double whammy which supports my fears and seeing people as hating me even more.
“We’re often looking for big confirming energy.” Bingo! And let me flip that… I am always giving big confirming energy, and give it a couple of different ways to ensure the receiver didn’t miss it. For example, anytime someone holds the door for me I will try to make eye contact, give them a big smile, and say in a loud, clear voice “Thanks! I really appreciate it!” Thanks for all you do, Patrick. You have changed my life over the last few years. I am almost 60, and after working on the vestiges of my childhood trauma with your guidance, I finally feel like a joyful, peaceful, 90% adult!!
My feelings of inadequacy are so big that literally makes me shut down . I started a new job and I can’t really function well there , I am feeling extremely shy . All my life has been like this , I used to drink and I could have fun going out but i quit it now I am struggling to be in social situations . I am in a risk of loosing my job I guess . O matter my efforts it seems that I cant overcome it
My problem is the complete opposite of the examples you described in the intro. I am socially awkward but its always because I say too little. I share too little and struggle to build connections with people, when I'm nervous or anxious I shut down and hardly talk, in social situation I tend to become invisible because that's where I feel the safest. The techniques you described though, still apply in a helpful way
i relate to all of this, god. my trauma isn’t based on anyone abusive, just being bullied as a really small child, and then being a weird, shy kid, which made me have this kind of inferiority issue throughout all my life, which i’m realising just now. it feels good to finally understand myself honestly
Yep I’m right there with you. I was bullied by several people - teachers, kids in school, my older sister, etc. I subconsciously carried the belief I was this “doofus” and unacceptable, what I liked was stupid, I was a joke, I was ugly. It was pervasive and lasted years. I didn’t realize it altered my development of a sense of self. I carried invisible baggage. I was caught up in being nice to be liked even by nasty people because of this trauma - that I didn’t feel deserved to be called trauma. Being shy, neurodivergent, and growing up in domestic violence also royally did not help! Glad to see so many of us on this worthwhile journey of feeling good enough and human. I’m not that helpless little child anymore.
@@chelseamiracle128 Your childhood sounds like mine. My parent had me in a cult in which I didn't mentally escape until my 40s and that cult mindset helped me to stay anti social and UN- healed
After extensive CBT training I could list 12 types of cognitive distortions but a lightbulb finally went off for me personally when my therapist suggested I try interacting socially as if the other person was my client because in that role I listened and communicated appropriately. As “myself “ I wallowed in all the inappropriate childhood trauma responses because I didn’t have a structured role.
I can relate to "assume they know" . I was not socialized, and raised around older people so I naturally have a "old soul". So being around my age who don't know certain songs, movies, sayings and thought process has made me feel so awkward🤦
I experienced a slight version of this from having been raised in a cult and all music is “bad” if it wasn't their music. So I am now trying to find what I like from different generations and genres in my late 40s
I don’t think you realize how much this has saved me from self sabotaging. I’ve taken up intensive DBT in the past and I couldn’t help but feel like I relapse sometimes. Thank you for this video. From the bottom of my heart, you are supporting so many, I’m sure, that have been dealing with this for years. You have articulated the most difficult aspect of my current life- there’s a DBT I’ve always lived by “if you can name it, you can tame it”
I got the dog because I love dogs and got a cat through the kitten distribution system lol. I’ve never had a cat before, it’s strange that the only one with healthy boundaries in our house is the cat. I want to pet her and stuff but she’s like no. I’m like my dog (who loves everyone) but need to be more like my cat.
Thank you so much for this! These are all things I have struggled with and I have something to work with now. Other social anxiety "help" just heaps on the shame of not being normal and wanting to get out and talk to people. This makes me curious about why I do these things and how to work myself out of it. ❤
Making the mistake of assuming people have the knowledge you have is key. People aren't mind readers. They haven't read the same books or have had the same experiences as you. Also, assuming people share your interests as you just because they are of the same sex and in the same age group as you is very common. Asuming they have the same tastes in food, drink, clothing, music, TV programmes and films as well too. Or because you have one interest in common, say birdwatching or painting, then you would have other interests in common. See people as individuals that you don't know much about rather than putting them into a box based on their age group, sex and appearance. And listen to them.
6 месяцев назад+3
1. You never miss. 2. The quality of your audio is so delicious 11/10.
It's good to know how we react in social situations. I think sometimes we're way too hard on ourselves because we were brought up with the bar set WAY too high for our stages of childhood. I find crowds, loud noises, and violent "entertainment" (movies/videos/games) overstimulate me, so I avoid. Also, any amount of alcohol or too much caffeine is no bueno for my rationality and sense of calm.
I like some folk am socially awkward as a involuntary uncontrollable semi-dissociative autopilot-fawning CPTSD response. I „return” to real adult me after leaving the social interaction.
I’ve just come to the realization that people really aren’t interested in listening. They’re more interested in talking. And it’s about 90% true. Occasionally, you will find someone who is interested in listening to you and your story. Those folks will ask questions that show genuine interest.
As someone who is neurodivergent (which is where my childhood trauma comes from - non ND folx may have been just fine in my child shoes 👟) this content REALLLLYYYYYYYYY fits 🫰🫰🫰
Proving is a compulsion at the heart of alot of this. There is a demand (from unsafe people) to prove. Sometimes the Inner Child lives in a collapsed state. Our theory of mind views it as normative… but that collapse is a shame. Rising from the collapse is exhausting, and that is where I find myself when socially showing up. With a collapsed kid in tow. Asking her to behave.
thank you so much for acknowledging neurodivergent differences in this ❤ ❤❤ i feel like there is a huge overlap in this specific topic, especially with high masking late diagnosed folks, that would be highly beneficial for both neurotypical and neurodivergent people to explore... autistics in particular, but i think all neurodivergent children suffer from being different and rejected a lot, many experiencing abuse in their own families too (often stemming from internalised ableism of neurodivergent parents). so the number of people who struggle with social awkwardness and childhood trauma because of unrecognised neurodivergence is likely to be very high. maybe you could do a collaboration with some youtubers in that space? my favourite is meg from 'i'm autistic, now what' as she is a long time youtuber and seems very interested in filling that gap of understanding between neurotypes in a very respectful and mutually supportive way ❤
like some interesting questions around this could be 'what is the difference between hypervigilance and hyper-empathy?' (many high-masking autistics go unrecognised because of hyper-empathy), 'what is the difference between overtalking/oversharing and info-dumping?' and 'what is the difference between inertia and shyness?'. just as like some conversation starters, not saying these things are all relevant or connected 😅 for me personally, the most overlap and the one thing i struggle with most persistantly is questions. a) when and how to ask them and which ones to ask - i have overcome the stage of not being able to think of any, with a lot of practise, but am still quite insecure about not prying, which was also the reason behind not being able to think of any questions in the first place: like with eye contact and touching, asking questions feels intrusive by default - and b) how to answer questions appropriately, as in determining how much interest there is in a serious and/or honest answer and how to not overshare/set boundaries when the question is inappropriate and/or it's the other person that is nosy and prying. and also how to deal with other people's oversharing, especially when they talk about things that trigger me. anyways, i would obviously love any more content around socialising so fingers crossed 😁 thank you for this one too/again, it was definitely much more applicable to my neurodivergent problems than i thought it would be 🎉
Thank you so much for your video on this topic, Patrick! The shame and humiliation of not knowing how to handle social situations definitely impacted my self-esteem. Both my parents were abusive and dysfunctional, and it took me a long time to figure out what was appropriate and normal behavior. I still have my faux pas moments but things work out better if I let myself calm/slow down and be present, to pay attention to the others' body language and facial expressions to let me know how I should proceed. I know I don't need to be perfect, and my intentions are not to hurt anyone. I appreciate this channel so much.
Thank you, Patrick! I do ALL these things. I've gotten better after much therapy and self-examination, as well as finding good friends. But I still do these behaviors at times. I love your attitude of being gentle with oneself. One thing I did just recently was overshare with strangers about a movie that I loved. I think it's because I wasn't allowed to have such enthusiastic responses as a child -- my enthusiasms were kind of "tamped down" in childhood, or not really appreciated. So I feel this need (which I think you get to really well in this video) to try to almost "force" people I hardly know to appreciate my enthusiasms, to kind of validate them. Writing it out like this, I realize that my interests and enthusiasms are inherently valid -- the sadness from childhood is still there -- but I don't need others to RE-validate me so much anymore. Thanks again.
@patrickteahanofficial I want to say thank you so much for what you’re doing here on RUclips. Offering these videos for free really is a massive public service. I’m in therapy but it can be a slow process at times. Your content allows me to find exactly what I’m struggling with and learn more about it. Personally I have a lot of trouble being articulate about my emotions and my childhood experiences. Your ability to be clear & concise (and friendly!) is VERY helpful for me.
Thank you so much for this Patrick. I recently had an session with my therapist which triggered me something dreadful and this has really helped me understand what my inner child is trying to achieve when I'm in an activated state. For context (lol) I am neurodivergent and the advice still applied, just in the reverse: often we give too much context because we assume we won't be understood by the other person. Doing this often has the same effect of disengaging the other person and losing the flow of conversation. Thank you for your videos and resources, they're so, so helpful.
I don't have social anxiety, usually, but I do frequently go through what I call "hindsight anxiety", which is exactly what you describe in this video as the shame and bad feelings that come up judging oneself after social interactions in which one was dissociating and/or talking too much or even overshared vulnerabilities. E.g. I participated in a "getting to know each other" group at a conference, and it was moderated really poorly, so the next person was always sharing more (personal stories) that the previous. I tried so hard not to do that.. but then a person came out to all of us strangers (in this social, but work related setting), and everybody was quiet after their story.. the situation felt so uncomfortable that I felt a strong urge to end the quiet and started to talk after all, and even though I started with telling them that I was worried about the questions we were answering because I struggled with oversharing, I wasn't able to keep my story brief and over talked to an extend that the moderator ended up interrupting me. I felt so ashamed and exposed. It was a really horrible situation and probably the worst "hindsight anxiety" I have experienced so far.
The shame just completely overwhelms me every time I try to talk with literally anyone. It’s unbearable and the reason I’m all alone. I have to beat this.
For me, the pandemic and its isolation made the over-talking and oversharing spike. And it took me a minute to realize it. Trying to recalibrate with a years-long deficit of connection is tough.
Yea I mean, as soon as there's an interaction that's negative between me and someone else, they hate me..right? 😅 I mean, love to instant hate, I forget the in-between
I had a friend whom I thought had a deep connection with but I found out I was the only one who felt that way. But I wonder, was that sorely my own problem? Because now grown-up me can see that friend was not someone safe. Is she truthful? No. Is she present? No. Does she accept me for who I am? No. She outspokenly hates changes in people and she fakes interest. So where does this leave me…? If the other person was healthy unlike me then I could accept my own social failing but she was not healthy either 😅 And how do I find out what deep connection should look or feel like?
What a treasure!! When I was a Girl Scout, we learned (our motto: Be prepared.) This is so helpful for me now going forward. Little scripts and tricks to keep the boogie man at bay!! Yay! Always at the ready and therefore very calming in the social realm. I am just so glad I am now mature enough to embrace this new approach. Thank you, Patrick!
Patrick, have you ever considered doing a collab with someone who specializes with adhd and autism to tease out the intersections and compounding symptoms of abuse and these conditions?
This has happened to me for years and I was not able to put my finger on the reason. Just recently something hapened and memories of emotional neglect have been coming and coming as if I opened a water tap. I am grieving and sad, but I am also grateful to see that many of the things that I did were the result of abuse, because I can stop wondering and start working on it. Your channel has been a beacon of light for me, Patrick. I really appreciate it. ❤
Patrick, you help so much by being so authentic and real. Your sharing of your past allows me to trust what you are saying… so here is social awkwardness I am struggling with: I don’t know how to throw a birthday party for my young children. We go to these parties of other families and I see the elaborate and well planned events. I am happy for everyone - but I don’t know how to do this for my little ones. I maybe had one or two birthday parties as a child. I remember being screamed at and nervous. So I have no concept of what to do. And I want to do better for my kids- they deserve it. But my brain just shuts down when I try to plan, invite or organize one. I become paralyzed. It may sound silly, but I don’t want my children to feel “less than” worthy on their birthdays - just because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Maybe add this peculiar adult outcome of being neglected as a child to your videos - I don’t want to pass this on to my little ones.
For me, I have always been told growing up, not from my parents, but society at large because of where I lived that I was a bad person, garbage, dumb, etc. When I meet someone who doesn't know me, I'll manically rattle off about deep intelligent topics to show I am worthy and not an idiot. I have also assumed right off the bat that everyone was my enemy and was trying to hurt me. Decades later I still feel the same way to an extent.
Social anxiety and awkwardness from C-PTSD, paired with the impulsivity from ADHD is wild. I'm either oversharing or dissociated in social settings. There's very little in-between. I have no idea how to authentically connect with people in a healthy way
Saw my "bad" habits here I've felt negativity about in overtaking and oversharing. Your describing alternatives and reasons why I do this is really relaxing and useful. Your insights are above any I've heard from a therapist before. It's so hopeful.
Your videos, as well as others on this subject are sometimes shocking and it makes so much sense how childhood trauma responses are basically my whole personality right now. Yet, at the same time it’s devastating.
No doubt this says more about my distorted thinking than about Patrick's message -- my takeaway was that the solution is to journal, and to keep quiet in social situations. Ouch.
🙈😱 I'm still making so many mistakes when I try to socialise, but I'm also just trying to give myself time to practice and get better at being a functional human. I'm trying to just learn each time and keep living a life (when my cptsd anxiety is telling me to avoid people/things)
What great tips. This is very useful. I have recently become aware that I can be socially awkward. I also find out that this awkwardness keeps preventing me from keeping my job and that I have a lot of trouble with relationships (despite people telling me I am nice, this is confusing!). I am trying to change my behavior and that is a matter of trial and error: for example, I become too quiet again and that scares people off. I keep my head up! (I am Dutch native speaker, so sorry for my English)
This specific topic has affected me immensely in life. I’m 33 now and much more accepting of myself. Will really try and apply these shifts in my thoughts!!
I thought the alcoholic in recovery was actually a good analogy. This stuff, the blurting, over talking and oversharing particularly feel like addictions. It is helpful too to recognise it as the inner child seeking connection and have some compassion for them. Thanks for the insights.
My empathic nature has allowed me to reflect on a lot of my assumptions, reasoning through what may be happening with the other people I meet. (So I kind of intuitively learned what you teach here.) However, my low self-esteem definitely leans toward assuming the worst even though I have the aforementioned awareness. Due to not being socialized prior to attending school, I became all the more quiet and observant. I was therefore seen as shy and I never felt this was an accurate label, which increased my social awkwardness; wanting and trying to not be perceived as shy. More recently, I came to the conclusion that I don’t want to care about how not-shy I am and hope my honest (chill) presentation of myself will prove otherwise. It can be a challenge, especially in situations not related to work as I know I may not have more opportunities to be better understood (e.g., one-time encounters).
I totally relate to points 1 2 and 3. The rest not so much, but damn this is very reassuring to hear someone talk about the very things that run in my background sometimes. Ive made progress with other methods but ill definitely add these journal prompts to my to dos.
Of course the first negative thought I have this morning is “The new person hates me.” I did take time to ask myself why and that alone helped me realize this person may not like Mondays either, or had a rough morning or has deadlines. I agree that I was always gaging receptiveness of both parents (one who overreacts and one brooding and deep in thought). That feels like a tough one to work through but a good reality check too.
secrets in the background! This feels totally accurate!! it’s just so strange that it’s now, that I’m 50. I really have the feeling that ppl can read me.
When people ask me how I am doing, I panic and blurt out something, anything, about what’s going on in my life, and then freeze and wait for them to give some sign of approval. When they don’t show obvious approval then I think I did it wrong. So I keep talking, waiting to get the signal that I’ve given an adequate enough response. Many times the social interaction will be over by this point, usually because they walk away, or our kids interrupt us. Then the self recrimination rolls in, telling me how dumb I was to not ask any questions of them in response. It’s not that I didn’t care, I was just always fearful of doing it all wrong. Now I force myself to keep my response to one sentence or two, and then barely remember to ask them how they are doing. But I’m still pretty sure I’m still doing it all wrong.
Im undersharing. Being so terribly scared of sharing my experiences for fear that ill be judged as stupid and worthless. I can work with people for 2-3 years and they know me only very superficially. The fear is overhwelming.
This was very helpful. I’m the opposite, I shut down sometimes to the point where people think I’m strange because I’m so quiet. When I’m myself, funny and kind people reflect that. I find some people are so genuine and have this genuine vulnerability with their story or experiences and it’s come across so natural and human so to speak, not coming from like a trauma response if that makes sense. I struggle with wanting and needing to be authentic without feeling shameful or embarrassed.
I just adore these, thank you so much Patrick. I especially love when you give examples they are always dead on for me! It feels so good to finally understand why i behave the way I have and to have such "text book" symptoms to which there is a remedy.
The mindfulness is super helpful to avoid becoming a total mess in public and then retreat to your home for weeks, too affraid and too embarrased. Decompress from social situations as needed, before needed.
I over-explain because I’m so worried that someone will think badly of me if I don’t explain everything I did and why I did it at every stage, even when it is kind of irrelevant to the fairly simple thing I actually wanted to convey. I used to be very concise in what I said, but I’d be so nervous that I’d forget to ask questions about the other person, even though I was actually very interested in who they were and wanted to get to know them better. When I started asking questions the conversation started to flow in most cases, but I live in Switzerland and even after knowing someone for a decade or more they still don’t open up about their problems and emotions very much, if at all. I thought that if I told them about some of my stupid mistakes and personal difficulties that they would feel safer sharing theirs. I probably overshared a bit too much so maybe they thought that I would share their private stuff with others in the same way as I shared my own? I think also people sense my extreme neediness and that scares them off. I AM desperate to make friends with people I can trust to have my back as I definitely have theirs and find myself defending others with an unusual amount of courage, but any attempt I make to stand up for myself always seems to backfire. I know that I would like validation and reassurance by the lorry load - it would still probably be insufficient to confirm that my feelings are valid and normal or that I am a reasonable decent person, possibly worthy of their time and even might be good enough and nice enough for them to consider developing a closer friendship with. This probably feels to them that they have no choice but to at least pretend to be friends with me as they are afraid that I’ll fall apart and be completely crushed if they were to admit outright that they think I’m a crackpot and there is no hope of them accepting me as a real friend. I would be crushed and terribly upset, although I’d probably tell them it was fine and not to worry about it, except there would be tears rolling down my face which I couldn’t hold in, so it wouldn’t be very. Convincing. I’m 56 now and I don’t have any close friends. I have my husband at least, but having a healthy female friendship is different to the friendship I have with my husband. They just get what it’s like to be a woman and a mother and unfortunately he can’t be either of those things. My sister hates me for marrying and having a family which unfortunately has not happened for her. My mother has a long track record of simply not caring whether I live or die and has always manipulated us and sometimes says hateful things when she’s drunk (which is every evening as far back as I can remember. I stopped feeling anything for her after an incident that happened when I was about 15, she literally turned her back on me while I was begging her to talk to me about it or at least say something. She totally ignored my distressed pleas to her. My heart just shut it’s doors to her that day, it just happened involuntarily really because I truly believed in that moment that she’d closed her heart to me, if it had ever been open in the first place which seems quite doubtful. Sorry for the long comment.
How do I not bring my inner child with me in to situations? I'm not always sure which part of me is the inner child and which is the adult, I genuinely confuse them all the time. I wish I knew! Great video as always, Patrick!!
That’s a good question. I’m guessing journaling would help decipher who is who. But I don’t know what kind of journaling or what prompts would help figure that out.
"Have a good day!" -L.A. Beast I feel too broken to try and make friends and feel like my friendship would be a burden, like giving someone a sweet deal on a house but when they move in they see how shitty the last owner left it and now feel trapped with a fixer upper.
I hardly ever talk to anyone. I assume they don’t want to hear anything I have to say. But, then they say I’m too quiet and don’t like me. So self sabotaging. I might be on the spectrum too so that doesn’t help my cause.
I just get tired of fighting to say anything or share. I’m mostly talking about social interaction, like a dinner party. I find I can get the first sentence out but am CONSTANTLY interrupted by someone and folks always then turn focus on the other person who interrupted. I stopped going to these parties. If I do go now I just talk to one person and listen to all the stories. The. I wonder why I wasted my time there.
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
1:37 Tip #1: Over-Reading and Predicting
3:08 Tip #1: Over-Reading and Predicting (What to Do Instead)
4:27 Tip #2: Secrets Running in the Background
5:43 Tip #2: Secrets Running in the Background (What to Do Instead)
6:41 Tip #3: Over-Talking
7:38 Tip #3: Over-Talking (What to Do Instead)
8:43 Tip #4: Assuming They Know
10:22 Tip #4: Assuming They Know (What to Do Instead)
11:10 Tip #5: Over-Sharing
12:15 Tip #5: Over-Sharing (What to Do Instead)
13:33 Tip #6: Blurting Out
14:26 Tip #6: Blurting Out (What to Do Instead)
15:26 Final Thoughts
16:33 Outro
Hey Patrick! I was listening to a video while I made dinner on self-sabotage that you did I believe with your mentor, and I recognized in the role play between the inner adult and the inner child that I found myself feeling semi-triggered by Amanda(I think that’s who it was) and how she spoke to the inner child in a way that was so compassionate and understanding. The reason why is because I felt like if she were speaking to me in that moment, she would be talking “down” to me like I was not emotionally able to handle the conversation. That seems like it’s a harsh judgment, but growing up I recognize that a good bit of my autonomy and ability to grow into individuality was stifled by my mother trying to do everything for me and by my father expecting treating me like I was less mature than my age. I was expected to be more mature than them, but treated like I was significantly less mature than your “average” 9-15 year old. Even until I moved out of the house and after that, honestly.
My question is, do you have any videos about navigating this issue? How do I speak as an inner adult to my inner child in a way that is compassionate, loving, and validating in a way my emotions did not receive validation without also triggering a feeling like I’m being talked down to or treated as less intelligent because of it?
Edit: I feel it is important to note that at the time of writing this comment I am about four days past sending my no contact letter to my parents. There are many, many fresh emotions and so many things I am just now discovering I have felt inside for so long. Those feelings are informing some of what is happening here, and it’s entirely possible those feelings are affecting my perspective or interpretation of what Amanda said. Nevertheless, I felt it was an important question.
That I was very helpful. Lots of good tips on that one🤘🏼😎
My biggest fear is bothering anyone. That has so much weight in my anxiety. Assume everyone is bothered
Ah yeah me too. I find i go through lifes struggles alone to make sure I'm not 'burdening' anyone this infact hinders my relationships but i dont know any other way. X
Same here. It all comes from everybody starting out their response with “I’ve been so busy. “ it feels like They’re basically telling me that they’re too busy to deal with me. Or that they’ve decided they can tolerate dealing with me for a few minutes, so they respond.
I’ve stopped reaching out to these people and guess what. They never check in with me.
Well I don’t think it’s completely an “us” problem, with the number of people acting like even small, basic interactions - even from supposed friends - are such a crushing burden on their energy and “peace”.
Offenting people
❤️🩷🧡💛💚💙
The "you hate me" in the thumbnail is what gets me. I always jump to that thought. Fear of people hating me
Yes! I just reached out to someone this morming, so I can book their service, and they haven't replied... I've been thinking about it all day. Perhaps they don't like me and don't care to have my business.
But I also tell myself, if they choose to ignore my message, maybe that says more about them than me.
It's so hard. I have PTSD and I was SA'd and neglected as a child. I truly wonder if perhaps I'm overthinking stuff.
Me too!
Me too
“Go into a social situation as just you, not what happened to you.” This is so helpful. For me, I could use, “Go into a social situation as the person your friends like, not what your mother thinks of you.” I’ll remember that, thank you.
I'm the opposite
There's also... lying? Not the lying of "I don't want to get in trouble", but more the story telling of "I'm boring, so I have to fib to seem cool". My worst and most persistent maladaptive trait was 'spicing up' the truth; implying hobbies I had no interest in, making up a more interesting personal life, fabricating dates and partners. I'd guess what they'd want to hear, or how I would write the events like it were a book. So I struggled either with getting caught, or only having surface level relationships built on a character of myself that I had to maintain.
“Be gentle with yourself.”
Easy to say… challenging to practice.
God loves you and has a good plan for your life.
@@marylouleeman591 sometimes i question and doubt why such a thing even occurred in the first place if that was gods will and intention
Sometimes I try to view my situation as if I was just an outside observer, looking at a stranger. Would I judge that stranger just as harshly as I judge myself?
If the answer is no and I am being too harsh, then I know I'm not being reasonable. I'm holding myself to a higher standard that I wouldn't hold someone else to and I need to bring my expectations down to a normal level.
Yes and:
It gets easier the more you do it ❤
We must become our best friend, because our best friend loves us, supports us, doesn"t give up on us, and most importantly, doesn't lie to us. They help us become our best self, by making us face our own darkness, one step at a time.
It’s after a social event , party, whatever that my anxiety is unbearable to deal with, not just during. Continuously re playing over my mind dumb things I said or saying something embarrassing faux pas stuff. It haunts me days after. I literally run off and quickly do anything to take my mind off a random past memory that creeps up of some social conversation, years after in happened! It is so crippling. I try my best to go with the flow in a social situation however my body reacts before my mind does, so I end up fidgeting, then I become aware of myself even more, try to act normal, smile along, make eye contact, nodding away in agreement, even though I have no idea what conversation is about. I’m lost when I’m around people, but feel at home and at peace when I’m alone.
This is me all my life
Me too!!! I expect it now and make myself a safe place to process. I make sure I have food and tea. It can take a few days sometimes. I’ve learned that the intensity always passes.
@Opinionatedcancer I worked in customer service too, for 20 years! I loved my job and the time I was working there, my confidence greatly improved, however the feeling of unworthiness was always there in the background from having my self esteem destroyed by teachers since infant school, (undiagnosed adhd) that I can never shake off. I’m in my early 40’s now, and in all that time, I have learned, observed and took stock to understand one thing. If you show any vulnerability or weakness to colleagues, friends and even your own family they will use it against you later on. Sad, I know. I can only count three people in my life who I can talk to with trust. Patrick stresses in his videos to speak to a safe person who you trust. That is so important in mental wellbeing. As far as I can discern there is messed up people everywhere in all backgrounds who are willing to take you down to get an inch ahead. Dog eat dog….🙄 I’m at point in my life where I am tired of masking, to be accepted in social circles. I’m not playing a role anymore. I have learned I enjoy my own company and I accept who I am. That’s all that matters. I’m simply not a social creature wanting to be accepted and liked.
@@Opinionatedcancer my partner has worked in customer service for about 5 years. He wins awards for his performance. I did the same job and lasted 6 months and had a total mental breakdown.
I can relate to everything you said especially feeling the most safe when I’m alone and at home.
As the Ghost trauma personality type, I can't wait to see this 🥲Even writing this comment feels awkward
I left a comment… rewrote it like 5 times. I can totally relate.
Love the recent reel on children being told they don't have common sense by abusive parents who have no awareness of child development, communication skills, or the need to explain things to people. People aren't mind readers, and children especially aren't so.
Preach! 👏🏻
yeah, I was publically humiliated by my parents for failing to live up to unspoken standards and with no training-talk about a no win situation-and as a kid that processes as i’m less than everyone else. thank you for acknowledging that aspect of patrick’s wisdom!
Omg - that was my Mom's mantra about me from toddlerhood on. I haven't listened to this yet, this comment just jumped out at me...
She not only said it to me, she found opportunities to bring it up alllll the time in conversations with others - even people we were just meeting in passing...
I had no idea that was a thing!
Can't wait to listen to this
I heard this one as a qualifier to something good. Mom would say, "You're very bright, but you have no common sense."
My mom's catchphrase is still "common sense is not common". She was the only one who had this innate skill. My father and I lacked it, in her eyes, and so we were lacking
Thank you so much 😊 I feel that I belong to this community of people healing and being triumphant over their childhood abuse. I am 70 years old and it healing to hear your comments. Thank you.
I'm 72--feeng the same.
Not gonna lie, I'm a busy parent with limited resources and I've been using RUclips to better and heal myself.
Patrick is instrumental in this journey; he is the gift that keeps on giving.
I have a hard time making friends and want people to like me, so I tend to overtalk and at times, overshare, due to my anxiety and desire to connect. Then I get mad at myself for it. Thank you for explaining how to keep working on breaking this cycle.
Right there with you.
I know how that feels.
I do the overtalking and feel so stupid afterwards oh my god. I think it is because I want to make sure I am understood because I've been gaslit so much
First overtalking and then overthinking... I sure do that
Oh that makes sense to me!
Yes!
As if I am cheating my therapist with your talks. I am shocked that for the first time someone speaks so kindly to me and understands the deepest problems. My therapist tolerates all my behaviors without judgement but you understand. Thank you so much for your work
I get this 100% and have struggled with it. Also… There are a lot of miserable people out there that are exhibiting judgmental and narcissistic behavior that is real and not imagined. I’m glad that I have some of the hyper vigilant radar and balance that with pausing and giving the person a chance to get to know them and see patterns overtime. I love that I know how to create boundaries now. Some thing I never even knew existed or that I was allowed to have. It’s still a challenge but after doing a lot of work- it does get better
Its so good to hear that you are managing your way through all of this! The boundaries are the best thing one can have. Be thankful for that radar and always trust it - mine was never wrong. Unfortunately, I have chosen to ignore them far too often in the past. Will not happen again.
as someone who's learning boundaries and the process of getting to know someone with an open heart and without projecting, this is so great to hear :)
and I'm proud of you!!! this is great
Well said.
Thank you for this video. Really thought-provoking. Another issue that comes up is under-sharing. by freezing or feeling that no one would really be interested in what you would have to say and therefore saying very little. I find that rather than talking, I ask questions of the other person - having them do all the talking. You leave a "conversation" with the other person doing all the chatting and you saying almost nothing. This awkwardness leaves you feeling rather invisible.
Yes! This is exactly what I do
"Spooking myself" by blurting out is such a real phenomenon, I'm glad I'm not the only one who experiences that
I grew up in a family with a lot of "secrets" and isolation. I feel like I'm always awkward in a way because I didn't really learn what normal or healthy social interactions looked and felt like at an early age. I tend to keep people at arms length and have a constant neutral outer facade, but deeper emotions inside. I'm much more likely to be surprised that someone can tell what I'm thinking and feeling with very little expression. . .
Omg the overtalking! There have been times when it's like I can't stop my mouth. I see the person's interest waning or I realize I overshared, and all I can do is talk faster to get the story done sooner. So embarrassing!
And I feel awful when people comment on it because my dad is even worse about it than me, so I know what the other side of it feels like.
When it's my turn to talk, a lot of the time, I end up tripping over my words and stuttering if the topic at hand is personal in nature. Could be as simple as telling someone my favorite color and why. I feel so... vulnerable in revealing things that are simple, everyday facts about myself. It's so so so embarrassing. Not to mention I think I will be talked over at any given second so I feel like I have to hurry, so my anxiety picks up, and my mouth cannot keep up with what I'm trying to say.
i feel exactly the same 🥹🥹
Shyt same
I got both from my parents. The world is full of rainbows and unicorns and they gave me overwhelmingly good reactions, but then when I didn't measure up to their expectations, they said why can't you be more like us. So I think my wires are crossed. Anyway, it makes me very anxious and also very germaphobic.
I was at a very posh function in Switzerland years ago, a wedding for a world famous singer. I was completely out of my depth and just trying to be friendly asked the woman sitting next to me what she did, she replied that she was a princess. And that was the end of the conversation, which was for the best 😅
😂🙌🏼
😂😂😂
Loll. I would have leaned it and asked for all the gory details, butlers and everything
Social anxiety is super bad for me because not only do I have childhood trauma, but I also have a physical disability (from birth) so in a sense I have a double whammy which supports my fears and seeing people as hating me even more.
“We’re often looking for big confirming energy.” Bingo! And let me flip that…
I am always giving big confirming energy, and give it a couple of different ways to ensure the receiver didn’t miss it. For example, anytime someone holds the door for me I will try to make eye contact, give them a big smile, and say in a loud, clear voice “Thanks! I really appreciate it!”
Thanks for all you do, Patrick. You have changed my life over the last few years. I am almost 60, and after working on the vestiges of my childhood trauma with your guidance, I finally feel like a joyful, peaceful, 90% adult!!
Thank you!
My feelings of inadequacy are so big that literally makes me shut down . I started a new job and I can’t really function well there , I am feeling extremely shy . All my life has been like this , I used to drink and I could have fun going out but i quit it now I am struggling to be in social situations . I am in a risk of loosing my job I guess . O matter my efforts it seems that I cant overcome it
My problem is the complete opposite of the examples you described in the intro. I am socially awkward but its always because I say too little. I share too little and struggle to build connections with people, when I'm nervous or anxious I shut down and hardly talk, in social situation I tend to become invisible because that's where I feel the safest. The techniques you described though, still apply in a helpful way
i relate to all of this, god. my trauma isn’t based on anyone abusive, just being bullied as a really small child, and then being a weird, shy kid, which made me have this kind of inferiority issue throughout all my life, which i’m realising just now. it feels good to finally understand myself honestly
Yep I’m right there with you. I was bullied by several people - teachers, kids in school, my older sister, etc. I subconsciously carried the belief I was this “doofus” and unacceptable, what I liked was stupid, I was a joke, I was ugly. It was pervasive and lasted years. I didn’t realize it altered my development of a sense of self. I carried invisible baggage. I was caught up in being nice to be liked even by nasty people because of this trauma - that I didn’t feel deserved to be called trauma. Being shy, neurodivergent, and growing up in domestic violence also royally did not help! Glad to see so many of us on this worthwhile journey of feeling good enough and human. I’m not that helpless little child anymore.
@@chelseamiracle128
Your childhood sounds like mine. My parent had me in a cult in which I didn't mentally escape until my 40s and that cult mindset helped me to stay anti social and UN- healed
Wow this is a very specific comment but I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard someone say that there’s nothing wrong with being shy
After extensive CBT training I could list 12 types of cognitive distortions but a lightbulb finally went off for me personally when my therapist suggested I try interacting socially as if the other person was my client because in that role I listened and communicated appropriately. As “myself “ I wallowed in all the inappropriate childhood trauma responses because I didn’t have a structured role.
That’s a good one.
I can relate to "assume they know" . I was not socialized, and raised around older people so I naturally have a "old soul". So being around my age who don't know certain songs, movies, sayings and thought process has made me feel so awkward🤦
I experienced a slight version of this from having been raised in a cult and all music is “bad” if it wasn't their music. So I am now trying to find what I like from different generations and genres in my late 40s
I don’t think you realize how much this has saved me from self sabotaging. I’ve taken up intensive DBT in the past and I couldn’t help but feel like I relapse sometimes.
Thank you for this video. From the bottom of my heart, you are supporting so many, I’m sure, that have been dealing with this for years. You have articulated the most difficult aspect of my current life- there’s a DBT I’ve always lived by “if you can name it, you can tame it”
Sometimes I feel like my pets hate me too. It’s crazy how far this extends.
I got the dog because I love dogs and got a cat through the kitten distribution system lol. I’ve never had a cat before, it’s strange that the only one with healthy boundaries in our house is the cat. I want to pet her and stuff but she’s like no. I’m like my dog (who loves everyone) but need to be more like my cat.
Thank you so much for this! These are all things I have struggled with and I have something to work with now. Other social anxiety "help" just heaps on the shame of not being normal and wanting to get out and talk to people. This makes me curious about why I do these things and how to work myself out of it. ❤
Making the mistake of assuming people have the knowledge you have is key. People aren't mind readers. They haven't read the same books or have had the same experiences as you.
Also, assuming people share your interests as you just because they are of the same sex and in the same age group as you is very common. Asuming they have the same tastes in food, drink, clothing, music, TV programmes and films as well too. Or because you have one interest in common, say birdwatching or painting, then you would have other interests in common.
See people as individuals that you don't know much about rather than putting them into a box based on their age group, sex and appearance. And listen to them.
1. You never miss.
2. The quality of your audio is so delicious 11/10.
It's good to know how we react in social situations. I think sometimes we're way too hard on ourselves because we were brought up with the bar set WAY too high for our stages of childhood. I find crowds, loud noises, and violent "entertainment" (movies/videos/games) overstimulate me, so I avoid. Also, any amount of alcohol or too much caffeine is no bueno for my rationality and sense of calm.
I like some folk am socially awkward as a involuntary uncontrollable semi-dissociative autopilot-fawning CPTSD response.
I „return” to real adult me after leaving the social interaction.
I overtalk because I wasn't listened to as a kid. Get it all out now because they won't be interested later.
I’ve just come to the realization that people really aren’t interested in listening. They’re more interested in talking. And it’s about 90% true.
Occasionally, you will find someone who is interested in listening to you and your story. Those folks will ask questions that show genuine interest.
@@mizelle4096or they just have the same trauma 😂
As someone who is neurodivergent (which is where my childhood trauma comes from - non ND folx may have been just fine in my child shoes 👟) this content REALLLLYYYYYYYYY fits 🫰🫰🫰
I'm an extrovert. never met a stranger i couldn't talk to. Now i don't want to talk to any of them.
Proving is a compulsion at the heart of alot of this. There is a demand (from unsafe people) to prove.
Sometimes the Inner Child lives in a collapsed state. Our theory of mind views it as normative… but that collapse is a shame. Rising from the collapse is exhausting, and that is where I find myself when socially showing up. With a collapsed kid in tow. Asking her to behave.
I am 48 years old and recently have been having issues with interactions and you just helped me learn where I need to start looking. thank you
thank you so much for acknowledging neurodivergent differences in this ❤ ❤❤
i feel like there is a huge overlap in this specific topic, especially with high masking late diagnosed folks, that would be highly beneficial for both neurotypical and neurodivergent people to explore... autistics in particular, but i think all neurodivergent children suffer from being different and rejected a lot, many experiencing abuse in their own families too (often stemming from internalised ableism of neurodivergent parents). so the number of people who struggle with social awkwardness and childhood trauma because of unrecognised neurodivergence is likely to be very high.
maybe you could do a collaboration with some youtubers in that space? my favourite is meg from 'i'm autistic, now what' as she is a long time youtuber and seems very interested in filling that gap of understanding between neurotypes in a very respectful and mutually supportive way ❤
like some interesting questions around this could be 'what is the difference between hypervigilance and hyper-empathy?' (many high-masking autistics go unrecognised because of hyper-empathy), 'what is the difference between overtalking/oversharing and info-dumping?' and 'what is the difference between inertia and shyness?'. just as like some conversation starters, not saying these things are all relevant or connected 😅
for me personally, the most overlap and the one thing i struggle with most persistantly is questions. a) when and how to ask them and which ones to ask - i have overcome the stage of not being able to think of any, with a lot of practise, but am still quite insecure about not prying, which was also the reason behind not being able to think of any questions in the first place: like with eye contact and touching, asking questions feels intrusive by default - and b) how to answer questions appropriately, as in determining how much interest there is in a serious and/or honest answer and how to not overshare/set boundaries when the question is inappropriate and/or it's the other person that is nosy and prying. and also how to deal with other people's oversharing, especially when they talk about things that trigger me.
anyways, i would obviously love any more content around socialising so fingers crossed 😁 thank you for this one too/again, it was definitely much more applicable to my neurodivergent problems than i thought it would be 🎉
Thank you so much for your video on this topic, Patrick! The shame and humiliation of not knowing how to handle social situations definitely impacted my self-esteem. Both my parents were abusive and dysfunctional, and it took me a long time to figure out what was appropriate and normal behavior.
I still have my faux pas moments but things work out better if I let myself calm/slow down and be present, to pay attention to the others' body language and facial expressions to let me know how I should proceed. I know I don't need to be perfect, and my intentions are not to hurt anyone. I appreciate this channel so much.
“Assuming they know” is very true for me! I never knew it had anything to do with my childhood. This is such great info!
Thank you, Patrick! I do ALL these things. I've gotten better after much therapy and self-examination, as well as finding good friends. But I still do these behaviors at times. I love your attitude of being gentle with oneself.
One thing I did just recently was overshare with strangers about a movie that I loved. I think it's because I wasn't allowed to have such enthusiastic responses as a child -- my enthusiasms were kind of "tamped down" in childhood, or not really appreciated. So I feel this need (which I think you get to really well in this video) to try to almost "force" people I hardly know to appreciate my enthusiasms, to kind of validate them. Writing it out like this, I realize that my interests and enthusiasms are inherently valid -- the sadness from childhood is still there -- but I don't need others to RE-validate me so much anymore.
Thanks again.
@patrickteahanofficial I want to say thank you so much for what you’re doing here on RUclips. Offering these videos for free really is a massive public service. I’m in therapy but it can be a slow process at times. Your content allows me to find exactly what I’m struggling with and learn more about it.
Personally I have a lot of trouble being articulate about my emotions and my childhood experiences. Your ability to be clear & concise (and friendly!) is VERY helpful for me.
Thank you so much for this Patrick. I recently had an session with my therapist which triggered me something dreadful and this has really helped me understand what my inner child is trying to achieve when I'm in an activated state. For context (lol) I am neurodivergent and the advice still applied, just in the reverse: often we give too much context because we assume we won't be understood by the other person. Doing this often has the same effect of disengaging the other person and losing the flow of conversation.
Thank you for your videos and resources, they're so, so helpful.
So looking forward to this!
Me too!
I don't have social anxiety, usually, but I do frequently go through what I call "hindsight anxiety", which is exactly what you describe in this video as the shame and bad feelings that come up judging oneself after social interactions in which one was dissociating and/or talking too much or even overshared vulnerabilities.
E.g. I participated in a "getting to know each other" group at a conference, and it was moderated really poorly, so the next person was always sharing more (personal stories) that the previous. I tried so hard not to do that.. but then a person came out to all of us strangers (in this social, but work related setting), and everybody was quiet after their story.. the situation felt so uncomfortable that I felt a strong urge to end the quiet and started to talk after all, and even though I started with telling them that I was worried about the questions we were answering because I struggled with oversharing, I wasn't able to keep my story brief and over talked to an extend that the moderator ended up interrupting me. I felt so ashamed and exposed. It was a really horrible situation and probably the worst "hindsight anxiety" I have experienced so far.
“Exposed”. Yes. That def comes from my childhood trauma. I deeply feel your pain
Awful, although that is 100% on the people running the conference. They should know better
I’m very much in my head in social situations trying to calm myself down
Waiting for this one like a fan girl waiting to book concert tickets!! 😍
The shame just completely overwhelms me every time I try to talk with literally anyone. It’s unbearable and the reason I’m all alone. I have to beat this.
This was such an uncomfortable but necessary watch. I was reminded of all the embarrassing ways I wasn’t able to perform well socially.
100% interested in seeing a video on how to get to know others gradually and safely!
😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮 patrick, the timing of this video is impeccable i just moved out for university
For me, the pandemic and its isolation made the over-talking and oversharing spike. And it took me a minute to realize it. Trying to recalibrate with a years-long deficit of connection is tough.
"That sounds like episode 147 of Star Trek", was hilarious.
And it’s some thing I would say😂
and not just an arbitrary example but totally relevant 😀 147th episode of TNG is Season 6 Episode 21 - "Frame of Mind"
Yea I mean, as soon as there's an interaction that's negative between me and someone else, they hate me..right? 😅 I mean, love to instant hate, I forget the in-between
I had a friend whom I thought had a deep connection with but I found out I was the only one who felt that way. But I wonder, was that sorely my own problem? Because now grown-up me can see that friend was not someone safe. Is she truthful? No. Is she present? No. Does she accept me for who I am? No. She outspokenly hates changes in people and she fakes interest. So where does this leave me…? If the other person was healthy unlike me then I could accept my own social failing but she was not healthy either 😅 And how do I find out what deep connection should look or feel like?
Very grateful for the "what to do instead(s)"! Feels helpful, hopeful, and empowering. Thank you so much!
This plagued me all my life. Until I met someone who was worse than me and got a look at how it feels.
What a treasure!! When I was a Girl Scout, we learned (our motto: Be prepared.) This is so helpful for me now going forward. Little scripts and tricks to keep the boogie man at bay!! Yay! Always at the ready and therefore very calming in the social realm. I am just so glad I am now mature enough to embrace this new approach. Thank you, Patrick!
Patrick, have you ever considered doing a collab with someone who specializes with adhd and autism to tease out the intersections and compounding symptoms of abuse and these conditions?
Please 🙏🏼
This has happened to me for years and I was not able to put my finger on the reason. Just recently something hapened and memories of emotional neglect have been coming and coming as if I opened a water tap. I am grieving and sad, but I am also grateful to see that many of the things that I did were the result of abuse, because I can stop wondering and start working on it. Your channel has been a beacon of light for me, Patrick. I really appreciate it. ❤
Patrick, you help so much by being so authentic and real. Your sharing of your past allows me to trust what you are saying… so here is social awkwardness I am struggling with:
I don’t know how to throw a birthday party for my young children. We go to these parties of other families and I see the elaborate and well planned events. I am happy for everyone - but I don’t know how to do this for my little ones. I maybe had one or two birthday parties as a child. I remember being screamed at and nervous. So I have no concept of what to do. And I want to do better for my kids- they deserve it.
But my brain just shuts down when I try to plan, invite or organize one. I become paralyzed. It may sound silly, but I don’t want my children to feel “less than” worthy on their birthdays - just because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
Maybe add this peculiar adult outcome of being neglected as a child to your videos - I don’t want to pass this on to my little ones.
For me, I have always been told growing up, not from my parents, but society at large because of where I lived that I was a bad person, garbage, dumb, etc. When I meet someone who doesn't know me, I'll manically rattle off about deep intelligent topics to show I am worthy and not an idiot. I have also assumed right off the bat that everyone was my enemy and was trying to hurt me. Decades later I still feel the same way to an extent.
Social anxiety and awkwardness from C-PTSD, paired with the impulsivity from ADHD is wild. I'm either oversharing or dissociated in social settings. There's very little in-between. I have no idea how to authentically connect with people in a healthy way
Saw my "bad" habits here I've felt negativity about in overtaking and oversharing. Your describing alternatives and reasons why I do this is really relaxing and useful. Your insights are above any I've heard from a therapist before. It's so hopeful.
Ohhhh my GOSH!!! I never knew this is a "thing"!! Lived it for 50+ years and really thought nobody else experienced it 😂😂
Your videos, as well as others on this subject are sometimes shocking and it makes so much sense how childhood trauma responses are basically my whole personality right now. Yet, at the same time it’s devastating.
No doubt this says more about my distorted thinking than about Patrick's message -- my takeaway was that the solution is to journal, and to keep quiet in social situations. Ouch.
🙈😱 I'm still making so many mistakes when I try to socialise, but I'm also just trying to give myself time to practice and get better at being a functional human.
I'm trying to just learn each time and keep living a life (when my cptsd anxiety is telling me to avoid people/things)
What great tips. This is very useful. I have recently become aware that I can be socially awkward. I also find out that this awkwardness keeps preventing me from keeping my job and that I have a lot of trouble with relationships (despite people telling me I am nice, this is confusing!). I am trying to change my behavior and that is a matter of trial and error: for example, I become too quiet again and that scares people off. I keep my head up! (I am Dutch native speaker, so sorry for my English)
Great Video. I still have to admit, that oversharing and overtalking are big issues to me, since my adhd and cptsd keep pushing each other 😂
This specific topic has affected me immensely in life. I’m 33 now and much more accepting of myself. Will really try and apply these shifts in my thoughts!!
I thought the alcoholic in recovery was actually a good analogy. This stuff, the blurting, over talking and oversharing particularly feel like addictions. It is helpful too to recognise it as the inner child seeking connection and have some compassion for them. Thanks for the insights.
My empathic nature has allowed me to reflect on a lot of my assumptions, reasoning through what may be happening with the other people I meet. (So I kind of intuitively learned what you teach here.) However, my low self-esteem definitely leans toward assuming the worst even though I have the aforementioned awareness.
Due to not being socialized prior to attending school, I became all the more quiet and observant. I was therefore seen as shy and I never felt this was an accurate label, which increased my social awkwardness; wanting and trying to not be perceived as shy.
More recently, I came to the conclusion that I don’t want to care about how not-shy I am and hope my honest (chill) presentation of myself will prove otherwise. It can be a challenge, especially in situations not related to work as I know I may not have more opportunities to be better understood (e.g., one-time encounters).
I totally relate to points 1 2 and 3. The rest not so much, but damn this is very reassuring to hear someone talk about the very things that run in my background sometimes. Ive made progress with other methods but ill definitely add these journal prompts to my to dos.
Thanks for also offering "what to do instead"---great practical advice!
Of course the first negative thought I have this morning is “The new person hates me.” I did take time to ask myself why and that alone helped me realize this person may not like Mondays either, or had a rough morning or has deadlines. I agree that I was always gaging receptiveness of both parents (one who overreacts and one brooding and deep in thought). That feels like a tough one to work through but a good reality check too.
secrets in the background! This feels totally accurate!! it’s just so strange that it’s now, that I’m 50. I really have the feeling that ppl can read me.
When people ask me how I am doing, I panic and blurt out something, anything, about what’s going on in my life, and then freeze and wait for them to give some sign of approval.
When they don’t show obvious approval then I think I did it wrong. So I keep talking, waiting to get the signal that I’ve given an adequate enough response.
Many times the social interaction will be over by this point, usually because they walk away, or our kids interrupt us.
Then the self recrimination rolls in, telling me how dumb I was to not ask any questions of them in response.
It’s not that I didn’t care, I was just always fearful of doing it all wrong.
Now I force myself to keep my response to one sentence or two, and then barely remember to ask them how they are doing. But I’m still pretty sure I’m still doing it all wrong.
The blurt thing I had to re-listen to. To know it’s a real thing not a glitch in my dna-amazing 😮😂
Definitely over reading. Im afraid of speaking at all, of being a burden, of not dealing with things myself.
Thanks for doing this video, Patrick
Im undersharing. Being so terribly scared of sharing my experiences for fear that ill be judged as stupid and worthless. I can work with people for 2-3 years and they know me only very superficially. The fear is overhwelming.
This was very helpful. I’m the opposite, I shut down sometimes to the point where people think I’m strange because I’m so quiet. When I’m myself, funny and kind people reflect that. I find some people are so genuine and have this genuine vulnerability with their story or experiences and it’s come across so natural and human so to speak, not coming from like a trauma response if that makes sense. I struggle with wanting and needing to be authentic without feeling shameful or embarrassed.
I've done all of these and still do often. Good to have this knowledge so I can change it
I just adore these, thank you so much Patrick. I especially love when you give examples they are always dead on for me! It feels so good to finally understand why i behave the way I have and to have such "text book" symptoms to which there is a remedy.
The mindfulness is super helpful to avoid becoming a total mess in public and then retreat to your home for weeks, too affraid and too embarrased. Decompress from social situations as needed, before needed.
I over-explain because I’m so worried that someone will think badly of me if I don’t explain everything I did and why I did it at every stage, even when it is kind of irrelevant to the fairly simple thing I actually wanted to convey. I used to be very concise in what I said, but I’d be so nervous that I’d forget to ask questions about the other person, even though I was actually very interested in who they were and wanted to get to know them better. When I started asking questions the conversation started to flow in most cases, but I live in Switzerland and even after knowing someone for a decade or more they still don’t open up about their problems and emotions very much, if at all. I thought that if I told them about some of my stupid mistakes and personal difficulties that they would feel safer sharing theirs. I probably overshared a bit too much so maybe they thought that I would share their private stuff with others in the same way as I shared my own?
I think also people sense my extreme neediness and that scares them off. I AM desperate to make friends with people I can trust to have my back as I definitely have theirs and find myself defending others with an unusual amount of courage, but any attempt I make to stand up for myself always seems to backfire. I know that I would like validation and reassurance by the lorry load - it would still probably be insufficient to confirm that my feelings are valid and normal or that I am a reasonable decent person, possibly worthy of their time and even might be good enough and nice enough for them to consider developing a closer friendship with. This probably feels to them that they have no choice but to at least pretend to be friends with me as they are afraid that I’ll fall apart and be completely crushed if they were to admit outright that they think I’m a crackpot and there is no hope of them accepting me as a real friend. I would be crushed and terribly upset, although I’d probably tell them it was fine and not to worry about it, except there would be tears rolling down my face which I couldn’t hold in, so it wouldn’t be very. Convincing. I’m 56 now and I don’t have any close friends. I have my husband at least, but having a healthy female friendship is different to the friendship I have with my husband. They just get what it’s like to be a woman and a mother and unfortunately he can’t be either of those things. My sister hates me for marrying and having a family which unfortunately has not happened for her. My mother has a long track record of simply not caring whether I live or die and has always manipulated us and sometimes says hateful things when she’s drunk (which is every evening as far back as I can remember. I stopped feeling anything for her after an incident that happened when I was about 15, she literally turned her back on me while I was begging her to talk to me about it or at least say something. She totally ignored my distressed pleas to her. My heart just shut it’s doors to her that day, it just happened involuntarily really because I truly believed in that moment that she’d closed her heart to me, if it had ever been open in the first place which seems quite doubtful.
Sorry for the long comment.
This video describes typical behaviors of my ex-spouse and my sister. Destructive, controlling people who are no longer in my life.
When it happens over and over again, their basically telling you, they really don’t want you around
How do I not bring my inner child with me in to situations? I'm not always sure which part of me is the inner child and which is the adult, I genuinely confuse them all the time. I wish I knew! Great video as always, Patrick!!
That’s a good question. I’m guessing journaling would help decipher who is who. But I don’t know what kind of journaling or what prompts would help figure that out.
This made a lot of sense… love the way you present your material, Patrick. Peace 🌅
"Have a good day!" -L.A. Beast
I feel too broken to try and make friends and feel like my friendship would be a burden, like giving someone a sweet deal on a house but when they move in they see how shitty the last owner left it and now feel trapped with a fixer upper.
I hardly ever talk to anyone. I assume they don’t want to hear anything I have to say. But, then they say I’m too quiet and don’t like me. So self sabotaging. I might be on the spectrum too so that doesn’t help my cause.
I just get tired of fighting to say anything or share. I’m mostly talking about social interaction, like a dinner party. I find I can get the first sentence out but am CONSTANTLY interrupted by someone and folks always then turn focus on the other person who interrupted. I stopped going to these parties. If I do go now I just talk to one person and listen to all the stories. The. I wonder why I wasted my time there.
The best youtube channel I've found about childhood trauma. I love your work! It has helped me so so much.
Yoo hair looks good dude! Thanks for all you do.
I've really enjoyed your channel. Your information is concise, and holds my attention moreso than other channels.