Chapters: 0:00 Intro 1:37 Tip #1: Over-Reading and Predicting 3:08 Tip #1: Over-Reading and Predicting (What to Do Instead) 4:27 Tip #2: Secrets Running in the Background 5:43 Tip #2: Secrets Running in the Background (What to Do Instead) 6:41 Tip #3: Over-Talking 7:38 Tip #3: Over-Talking (What to Do Instead) 8:43 Tip #4: Assuming They Know 10:22 Tip #4: Assuming They Know (What to Do Instead) 11:10 Tip #5: Over-Sharing 12:15 Tip #5: Over-Sharing (What to Do Instead) 13:33 Tip #6: Blurting Out 14:26 Tip #6: Blurting Out (What to Do Instead) 15:26 Final Thoughts 16:33 Outro
Hey Patrick! I was listening to a video while I made dinner on self-sabotage that you did I believe with your mentor, and I recognized in the role play between the inner adult and the inner child that I found myself feeling semi-triggered by Amanda(I think that’s who it was) and how she spoke to the inner child in a way that was so compassionate and understanding. The reason why is because I felt like if she were speaking to me in that moment, she would be talking “down” to me like I was not emotionally able to handle the conversation. That seems like it’s a harsh judgment, but growing up I recognize that a good bit of my autonomy and ability to grow into individuality was stifled by my mother trying to do everything for me and by my father expecting treating me like I was less mature than my age. I was expected to be more mature than them, but treated like I was significantly less mature than your “average” 9-15 year old. Even until I moved out of the house and after that, honestly. My question is, do you have any videos about navigating this issue? How do I speak as an inner adult to my inner child in a way that is compassionate, loving, and validating in a way my emotions did not receive validation without also triggering a feeling like I’m being talked down to or treated as less intelligent because of it? Edit: I feel it is important to note that at the time of writing this comment I am about four days past sending my no contact letter to my parents. There are many, many fresh emotions and so many things I am just now discovering I have felt inside for so long. Those feelings are informing some of what is happening here, and it’s entirely possible those feelings are affecting my perspective or interpretation of what Amanda said. Nevertheless, I felt it was an important question.
Ah yeah me too. I find i go through lifes struggles alone to make sure I'm not 'burdening' anyone this infact hinders my relationships but i dont know any other way. X
Same here. It all comes from everybody starting out their response with “I’ve been so busy. “ it feels like They’re basically telling me that they’re too busy to deal with me. Or that they’ve decided they can tolerate dealing with me for a few minutes, so they respond. I’ve stopped reaching out to these people and guess what. They never check in with me.
Well I don’t think it’s completely an “us” problem, with the number of people acting like even small, basic interactions - even from supposed friends - are such a crushing burden on their energy and “peace”.
Yes! I just reached out to someone this morming, so I can book their service, and they haven't replied... I've been thinking about it all day. Perhaps they don't like me and don't care to have my business. But I also tell myself, if they choose to ignore my message, maybe that says more about them than me. It's so hard. I have PTSD and I was SA'd and neglected as a child. I truly wonder if perhaps I'm overthinking stuff.
“Go into a social situation as just you, not what happened to you.” This is so helpful. For me, I could use, “Go into a social situation as the person your friends like, not what your mother thinks of you.” I’ll remember that, thank you.
When your inner adult comes online you really start to find a great balance between the two. Keep journaling and keep practising healthy habits and you will find yourself feeling more relaxed socially as time goes on! It’s a long road to recovery but you can do it!
Its so embarrassing when im sharing what i think is a mildly amusing anecdote and the other person tells me they are sorry that happened 💀 that was not the intended vibe i meant to bring
I'm so glad I went through that stage in highschool/early university. I'd be telling my classmates about some minor shenanigans and finish it with "I got spanked with a belt for that LOL" and other kids were like, that's messed up :D. And I'd be like, how come, how else could my parents stop me from misbehaving, no way it would work if they were only telling me stuff, don't be ridiculous :D. But by the time I graduated and entered adult world I was fully mindfull about the fucked up bits of my childhood - mostly thanks to my bestie studying psychology and telling me things she've learned.
Love the recent reel on children being told they don't have common sense by abusive parents who have no awareness of child development, communication skills, or the need to explain things to people. People aren't mind readers, and children especially aren't so.
yeah, I was publically humiliated by my parents for failing to live up to unspoken standards and with no training-talk about a no win situation-and as a kid that processes as i’m less than everyone else. thank you for acknowledging that aspect of patrick’s wisdom!
Omg - that was my Mom's mantra about me from toddlerhood on. I haven't listened to this yet, this comment just jumped out at me... She not only said it to me, she found opportunities to bring it up alllll the time in conversations with others - even people we were just meeting in passing... I had no idea that was a thing! Can't wait to listen to this
My mom's catchphrase is still "common sense is not common". She was the only one who had this innate skill. My father and I lacked it, in her eyes, and so we were lacking
My biggest issue with social interactions is that, on top of being an introvert, I have nothing in common with most people so trying to talk to strangers is mentally exhausting. I end up either blabbing like a fool or avoiding conversations altogether. I can put on a different persona at work, and can talk to the wall when in that mode, but outside of it I just can't do it so I avoid social occasions like a plague. I still occasionally make a fool of myself at work, but I'm learning to keep my mouth shut.
Sometimes I try to view my situation as if I was just an outside observer, looking at a stranger. Would I judge that stranger just as harshly as I judge myself? If the answer is no and I am being too harsh, then I know I'm not being reasonable. I'm holding myself to a higher standard that I wouldn't hold someone else to and I need to bring my expectations down to a normal level.
We must become our best friend, because our best friend loves us, supports us, doesn"t give up on us, and most importantly, doesn't lie to us. They help us become our best self, by making us face our own darkness, one step at a time.
There are people that I have cut off contact with because every time I was around them I felt I couldn’t do or say anything right. Every encounter led to shame.
The thing that drives me the most crazy is not knowing when or how to jump into a conversation with several people. By the time I spot a moment to jump in, the discussion has moved on and my comment no longer applies. I think a big part of my awkwardness in general was NPD parents who really didn't socialize so I was never around normal conversations.
Oh one more thing. I deliberately try not to have group conversations. I decided that it’s the pacing I can’t handle. I can do quite well with one person but I can’t get the timing with two or more people. It’s just so much easier to not take the bait and catch people at a different time. Meanwhile, I’m like this. Big smile and a “Good morning, y’all.” Then, quickly go into my classroom. Later dudes.😂
I literally raise my hand (awkwardly of course). This is where I always try to make room for other people in a convo that I’m being a dominant talker if I can. That sort of leads by example because I’ve noticed when I’m not being a dominant talker, my friends will make room for my comments also. But like the other person said, sometimes just listening.
This is an also an autistic trait! Experiencing the world as an autistic person has a lot of similarities to a trauma experience - it can be experienced as trauma. An interesting one to think about.
It’s after a social event , party, whatever that my anxiety is unbearable to deal with, not just during. Continuously re playing over my mind dumb things I said or saying something embarrassing faux pas stuff. It haunts me days after. I literally run off and quickly do anything to take my mind off a random past memory that creeps up of some social conversation, years after in happened! It is so crippling. I try my best to go with the flow in a social situation however my body reacts before my mind does, so I end up fidgeting, then I become aware of myself even more, try to act normal, smile along, make eye contact, nodding away in agreement, even though I have no idea what conversation is about. I’m lost when I’m around people, but feel at home and at peace when I’m alone.
Me too!!! I expect it now and make myself a safe place to process. I make sure I have food and tea. It can take a few days sometimes. I’ve learned that the intensity always passes.
@Opinionatedcancer I worked in customer service too, for 20 years! I loved my job and the time I was working there, my confidence greatly improved, however the feeling of unworthiness was always there in the background from having my self esteem destroyed by teachers since infant school, (undiagnosed adhd) that I can never shake off. I’m in my early 40’s now, and in all that time, I have learned, observed and took stock to understand one thing. If you show any vulnerability or weakness to colleagues, friends and even your own family they will use it against you later on. Sad, I know. I can only count three people in my life who I can talk to with trust. Patrick stresses in his videos to speak to a safe person who you trust. That is so important in mental wellbeing. As far as I can discern there is messed up people everywhere in all backgrounds who are willing to take you down to get an inch ahead. Dog eat dog….🙄 I’m at point in my life where I am tired of masking, to be accepted in social circles. I’m not playing a role anymore. I have learned I enjoy my own company and I accept who I am. That’s all that matters. I’m simply not a social creature wanting to be accepted and liked.
@@Opinionatedcancer my partner has worked in customer service for about 5 years. He wins awards for his performance. I did the same job and lasted 6 months and had a total mental breakdown.
When I’m in social situations, I completely shut down and don’t talk. I don’t know what to say and assume people don’t like me. I wish I could be talkative and social but when I put myself in those situations it doesn’t usually go well
I am still over talking and over sharing and think this is a reaction to feeling invisible and ignored. Even though I’ve been aware of it for years, I still do it in stress situations.
I appreciate what you are saying. I get triggered when folks talk over me. It feels much like my childhood when I had no voice. I haven't mastered a solution to theee types of situations.
I understand that. It's as if someone takes over in your mind and after, you think, did I say all that? I grew up the last of many many children and I was naturally shy but also felt invisible, even though I had loving parents.
I find that I’m over talking because it doesn’t allow the other person time to think about it they like me or not.. it doesn’t allow time for them to say/do something that will make me have a negative reaction/feeling. Which of course is not the right thing to do but it’s a defense mechanism 😖😖
There's also... lying? Not the lying of "I don't want to get in trouble", but more the story telling of "I'm boring, so I have to fib to seem cool". My worst and most persistent maladaptive trait was 'spicing up' the truth; implying hobbies I had no interest in, making up a more interesting personal life, fabricating dates and partners. I'd guess what they'd want to hear, or how I would write the events like it were a book. So I struggled either with getting caught, or only having surface level relationships built on a character of myself that I had to maintain.
I feel like I needed a #7: jumping in with stories about myself in response to when other people share so that it sounds like I only care about myself. I've read or heard elsewhere that this is the inner child's response to wanting to be heard so desperately that we finally feel like we get a chance to speak. Heck, maybe that was another PT video. But I distinctly remember having a conversation like this in college where my roommate very nicely said, "This isn't about you," and I was just crushed. I was just trying to relate, not dominate.
(as I jump in to contribute how your comment relates to me haha) My partner does this quite a lot. I get the feeling she wants other people to feel that she's actively listening and relating, but also showing that she understands what the other person is feeling. It can big time come across as one-upping and bragging. I know she doesn't mean it that way, but it's painful to watch sometimes.
It's also a neurodivergent thing. We tend to communicate by relating and expect others to build on what we say and move the conversation. It's collaborative. But the other major communication style wants to take turns expressing interest and asking questions about what the other person says. To me it is so tedious and feels so forced
I think what helps is learning to frame it. "the worst that ever happened to me was x" and practice keeping it short then relating it back "it was similar to you so I can see why that's hard for you" .But also, maybe that person isn't the right fit for you. I get along great with people who share stories, and it's weird for me when stories aren't just shared all the time. There's one guy I know who when his "best friend" had a really bad day kept saying "you think that's bad, my day had xxxx happen" and xxxx was nothing compared to his "best friend's" experience. That's one upping.
I also agree that I think we do this to show that we are listening and can relate to the pain they’re going through. I find when I am really itching to share My story is when I really need to just be quiet and focus on what they’re talking about, my story can wait as I’m not experiencing it now
(Doing this now, here, in this post:) I had a conversation with my partner about how he would get frustrated when I’d tell him “I understand” or “yeah, I felt that way too when this happened to me…”. We had to figure out that his typical responses “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry that happened to you” were reminding me of my parents dismissing my feelings. It always felt like “shut up and get off the phone now” when he said that, instead of relating to the experience I’d had. For me, I feel comforted knowing I’m not alone - so knowing someone else also experiences the feeling I’ve had is comforting and validating, whereas my partner wanted me to appreciate his experience without trying to relate to what he was experiencing (he didn’t need me to validate his experience, he needed to express it and have it be heard. And yes, I’m neurodivergent. Edit to add: I’m not trying to make it about me; but if it were me, I’d like to know I’m not alone, so my way of expressing that is by sharing when I’ve felt similarly to show you you’re not alone. Hope that makes sense.
I’m 3 months into a new job & find working in an office to be overwhelming because I’m scared of everyone, yet want to fit in with everyone. It’s terrifying and exhausting at the same time.
I feel ya. I remember the day I made up my mind to get a new job after 35 years at a dead-end job. I took the new job, and I knew that I could do any job in the company if necessary. By the time I retired 5 years later, I had the respect of the CEO and my coworkers because I did the job right. I suggested many new processes such as 3d printing test fixtures, and fabricated new tools to make the jobs easier. It can be done. My dad used to say "I've got 2 arms and two legs and a brain just like everybody else." Best of luck!
@@Nenufær it still sucks but is a lot less overwhelming. I’ve been keeping to myself and it takes some pressure off. I’m applying for part time jobs that I think will be more fulfilling seeing I’m not getting that in the full time role. I’m really trying to push through and not quit this job like every other job (never lasted longer than a year)
“We’re often looking for big confirming energy.” Bingo! And let me flip that… I am always giving big confirming energy, and give it a couple of different ways to ensure the receiver didn’t miss it. For example, anytime someone holds the door for me I will try to make eye contact, give them a big smile, and say in a loud, clear voice “Thanks! I really appreciate it!” Thanks for all you do, Patrick. You have changed my life over the last few years. I am almost 60, and after working on the vestiges of my childhood trauma with your guidance, I finally feel like a joyful, peaceful, 90% adult!!
Thank you Patrick for helping me (now in my 50s) finally start taking the training wheels off. Social gatherings are such torture, my mouth diving into over-talking and over-sharing, while the rest of me is looking for a chair to crawl under ... this video is going to be such a lifesaver, I can already tell!
As if I am cheating my therapist with your talks. I am shocked that for the first time someone speaks so kindly to me and understands the deepest problems. My therapist tolerates all my behaviors without judgement but you understand. Thank you so much for your work
I was just tripping for the billionth time about how people are repulsed by me. Even though I have no evidence that I am currently hated,I still can't convince myself that I am safe
My feelings of inadequacy are so big that literally makes me shut down . I started a new job and I can’t really function well there , I am feeling extremely shy . All my life has been like this , I used to drink and I could have fun going out but i quit it now I am struggling to be in social situations . I am in a risk of loosing my job I guess . O matter my efforts it seems that I cant overcome it
Been there done this. But after a lot of work both personally and in groups now life is very good indeed. Do hope you hang in there and keep fighting. This video hit the spot in the first minute.
This is one of the main reasons I became an alcoholic. When I didn't drink, I wanted to stay home, but if there's alcoholic I can let loose and actually have fun. It sucks.
My problem is the complete opposite of the examples you described in the intro. I am socially awkward but its always because I say too little. I share too little and struggle to build connections with people, when I'm nervous or anxious I shut down and hardly talk, in social situation I tend to become invisible because that's where I feel the safest. The techniques you described though, still apply in a helpful way
Oh gosh, I go for daily walks in the same park with my dog. The other day I felt so depressed because other walkers didn’t acknowledge me or my dog at all. I was very friendly to them and over talked but they didn’t reciprocate. I felt odd and weird for talking to their dogs and to them. I also got upset when a man didn’t say hi to me when I said hello to him. I immediately thought that he thought I was fat and unattractive. I’m extremely sensitive to other’s opinions and responses. I know I’m depressed. I wish I could get over what other people think of me.
You sound really wrapped up in yourself. Where I live it is normal for strangers to greet each other when crossing on a path in nature or in a narrow street in a small village. Often it just happens spontaneously. When places get busy, this can feel tiring. But it is important, societally. This is in Italy and the French part of Switzerland. As a woman, I do not greet men first when passing one. That’s because I deem it more appropriate for a gentleman to greet a lady first. Others might be more socially awkward than you, or somewhat rude, if they ignore a hello from you. Making yourself your main focus is a pity and so short-sighted, perhaps you need too much validation from others instead of just being genuinely you, enjoying being yourself, your walk and your dog.
I can tell you from experience that not caring about other people's opinions comes easier with age. I'm in my early forties now and only care about the opinions of those closest to me. Just give yourself time and you'll get there.
The biggest factor I've found that's helped my crippling social anxiety is how I feel about myself. Knowing that I'm good enough no matter how awkward or misunderstood I am in social interactions. Lately there's been so much less weight around what strangers might think of me and that's helped me to feel more calm and comfortable talking. I feel like my smiles are more genuine, it's easier to say kind things and just have more pleasant interactions. I notice others' anxiety more too and it's easier to lessen the tension (while not taking responsibility for their feelings). Knowing my worth has taken years of work and is still a work in progress but things are finally feeling easier. I'm knowing I deserve to feel confident, and finally looking for proof of that, rather than looking to confirm that I'm bad and wrong, and should feel bad and avoid people. I'm also late diagnosed autistic/ADHD and learning about those social difficulties has helped me to understand and have much more compassion for myself. I'll probably always seem weird or be misunderstood at times, but I am weird and I love myself for it. They don't have to know I'm autistic for me to know I'm valid in the ways I exist and interact. I'm a good, kind person and I'm always doing my best to be kind and considerate to others, I finally know and trust that about myself 💖 Also learning to treat the more negative social interactions/mistakes as loving/constructive lessons rather than shame spirals and proof that I'm bad. It takes time and repetition but it's getting easier and mistakes are a lot less scary and overwhelming ✨
I can relate.. whenever i feel the debilitating and spiralling cycle of shame (due to awkward social interaction or negative events), i find what helps is finding things in my life, or in myself, that makes me feel good. And that can be anything; like having a genuine laugh with a coworker, sharing a genuine positive moment with someone, and realizing how fortunate i am for being alive.. And this is most important; u wanna find anything in your life that boosts your self-confidence and esteem. Because the main thing we lack is self love and self acceptance, when we accept (love) our shame and deficiencies, for example i say to myself okay i just had an extremely embarrassing moment happen today, but i fully accept myzelf and would do not run away from it thr next day, i would face it, and accept any shame that comes up, i would even welcome it. And that acceptance i feel really helped.
i relate to all of this, god. my trauma isn’t based on anyone abusive, just being bullied as a really small child, and then being a weird, shy kid, which made me have this kind of inferiority issue throughout all my life, which i’m realising just now. it feels good to finally understand myself honestly
Yep I’m right there with you. I was bullied by several people - teachers, kids in school, my older sister, etc. I subconsciously carried the belief I was this “doofus” and unacceptable, what I liked was stupid, I was a joke, I was ugly. It was pervasive and lasted years. I didn’t realize it altered my development of a sense of self. I carried invisible baggage. I was caught up in being nice to be liked even by nasty people because of this trauma - that I didn’t feel deserved to be called trauma. Being shy, neurodivergent, and growing up in domestic violence also royally did not help! Glad to see so many of us on this worthwhile journey of feeling good enough and human. I’m not that helpless little child anymore.
@@chelseamiracle128 Your childhood sounds like mine. My parent had me in a cult in which I didn't mentally escape until my 40s and that cult mindset helped me to stay anti social and UN- healed
Thank you so much 😊 I feel that I belong to this community of people healing and being triumphant over their childhood abuse. I am 70 years old and it healing to hear your comments. Thank you.
I have a hard time making friends and want people to like me, so I tend to overtalk and at times, overshare, due to my anxiety and desire to connect. Then I get mad at myself for it. Thank you for explaining how to keep working on breaking this cycle.
i wish all the people in the comment section could meet and become friends... it would be cool to hang with others who deal with this and create safe places with each other.
I grew up in a family with a lot of "secrets" and isolation. I feel like I'm always awkward in a way because I didn't really learn what normal or healthy social interactions looked and felt like at an early age. I tend to keep people at arms length and have a constant neutral outer facade, but deeper emotions inside. I'm much more likely to be surprised that someone can tell what I'm thinking and feeling with very little expression. . .
Not gonna lie, I'm a busy parent with limited resources and I've been using RUclips to better and heal myself. Patrick is instrumental in this journey; he is the gift that keeps on giving.
I got both from my parents. The world is full of rainbows and unicorns and they gave me overwhelmingly good reactions, but then when I didn't measure up to their expectations, they said why can't you be more like us. So I think my wires are crossed. Anyway, it makes me very anxious and also very germaphobic.
Exteeme fear of being perceived. Used to drink heavily in early twenties to try and "be like other people." Then people told me i talked too much, was too weird, etc when i was being more myself openly unmasked. I stopped drinking and have been isolated at home since covid and became chronically ill right before that and i am fully unmasked around my husband and sober. But i still have so much fear of being around people in public and shame spirals of saying or doing something stupid.
@jclyntoledo I also have a lot of childhood trauma/boomer angry parents that wouldn't allow me to be me so that didn't help, but yes, I am also neurodivergent
@jclyntoledo I was told I was neurodivergent because of the overlap of these sort of behaviours/feelings but it never felt completely right - it was when I found Patrick's channel somehow that it all fell into place. I'm a screw up due to childhood trauma, not aspergers.
I used this exact phrase earlier today while talking to a friend: “hatred of being perceived”. I know how to be silent and shy and quiet and boring at work or I can be more myself and honest and open and weird in the social situations I attempt. Either route seems to annoy someone.
I get this 100% and have struggled with it. Also… There are a lot of miserable people out there that are exhibiting judgmental and narcissistic behavior that is real and not imagined. I’m glad that I have some of the hyper vigilant radar and balance that with pausing and giving the person a chance to get to know them and see patterns overtime. I love that I know how to create boundaries now. Some thing I never even knew existed or that I was allowed to have. It’s still a challenge but after doing a lot of work- it does get better
Its so good to hear that you are managing your way through all of this! The boundaries are the best thing one can have. Be thankful for that radar and always trust it - mine was never wrong. Unfortunately, I have chosen to ignore them far too often in the past. Will not happen again.
as someone who's learning boundaries and the process of getting to know someone with an open heart and without projecting, this is so great to hear :) and I'm proud of you!!! this is great
I over-talk SO much because it feels like I just want to desperately be heard and seen. I feel so much shame afterwards because I also excessively explain all the details that didn't need to be explained and the person is just like "uh huh.. ok" 😅
I've realized that often, when I tell stories, I'll go into too much detail about things that I don't need to go into so much detail about! I really try now to just tell the basics and leave out some of the details, because they're not necessary! And they're boring to people! Lol😂 (I put myself in the other person's shoes and imagine listening to the story -- "is this detail necessary?" Usually the answer is no.)
Thank you for this video. Really thought-provoking. Another issue that comes up is under-sharing. by freezing or feeling that no one would really be interested in what you would have to say and therefore saying very little. I find that rather than talking, I ask questions of the other person - having them do all the talking. You leave a "conversation" with the other person doing all the chatting and you saying almost nothing. This awkwardness leaves you feeling rather invisible.
Social anxiety is super bad for me because not only do I have childhood trauma, but I also have a physical disability (from birth) so in a sense I have a double whammy which supports my fears and seeing people as hating me even more.
I can relate to "assume they know" . I was not socialized, and raised around older people so I naturally have a "old soul". So being around my age who don't know certain songs, movies, sayings and thought process has made me feel so awkward🤦
I experienced a slight version of this from having been raised in a cult and all music is “bad” if it wasn't their music. So I am now trying to find what I like from different generations and genres in my late 40s
I was at a very posh function in Switzerland years ago, a wedding for a world famous singer. I was completely out of my depth and just trying to be friendly asked the woman sitting next to me what she did, she replied that she was a princess. And that was the end of the conversation, which was for the best 😅
When it's my turn to talk, a lot of the time, I end up tripping over my words and stuttering if the topic at hand is personal in nature. Could be as simple as telling someone my favorite color and why. I feel so... vulnerable in revealing things that are simple, everyday facts about myself. It's so so so embarrassing. Not to mention I think I will be talked over at any given second so I feel like I have to hurry, so my anxiety picks up, and my mouth cannot keep up with what I'm trying to say.
The shame just completely overwhelms me every time I try to talk with literally anyone. It’s unbearable and the reason I’m all alone. I have to beat this.
Omg the overtalking! There have been times when it's like I can't stop my mouth. I see the person's interest waning or I realize I overshared, and all I can do is talk faster to get the story done sooner. So embarrassing! And I feel awful when people comment on it because my dad is even worse about it than me, so I know what the other side of it feels like.
All my life I’ve rushed what I’ve had to say or felt I had to condense things to make my point before people would lose interest or cut me off. It creates so much anxiety. Now I’m trying to start a new career and my hyper vigilance gets the best of me when I’m trying to critically think. If I sense the person is getting impatient it causes me to lose focus and miss important details. I have great bedside manners bc I’m heavily relying on hoping to be liked and accepted but I’m bracing with discomfort the whole time. When I tune into my inner child, she just wants to feel important, valued and worthy of space and time. Something I didn’t get as a lost child in a dysfunctional family.
I can also relate to being cut off, talked over and just outright, ignored when talking or asking someone questions. I’ve come to the conclusion that most people are just more interested in talking to hear themselves talk, to sound intelligent or interesting, etc. and this could be from some deep, rooted trauma that they don’t even know they have. Like they have to prove themselves or something. Being aware of my trauma, and actively working on, it has allowed me to let these people talk. I don’t wanna waste my breath or attention on someone who has zero interest anyway.
I love being around people. But I struggle with this constantly. It’s emotionally exhausting. I have to remind myself that no one is scrutinizing me this much. In fact, people are very loving and affirming towards me, but I still wrestle with how I was perceived.
It hurts so much to even listen to the first two minutes. Now I am much better but the whole period of school + university were all about being social inadequate 😢
My childhood trauma gave me a long history of worrying that people won't like me or that I annoy them. I'm better about it now, though not completely free. The stuff at the beginning of the video about this expectation, how it can become a fulfilling prophecy, and how to handle all of it was SO helpful. Thanks!
YES!! I've honestly been waiting for something like this!! I feel like my social anxiety has gotten significantly better over the years, but I still have so much to improve on
I do some of these things with people I have known for years (as well as strangers) and always feel so crap afterwards. Afterwards, I am always like, "Why on *earth* did I say that?" And you are spot on, I know that it's because I want to appear normal, I feel anxiety and shame, and my boundaries dissolve and I feel like an impostor and it escapes me in that moment that I have a choice. I also worry with certain people, that saying very little (which I would prefer, as they are not safe) is not an option in case I appear cold. Which seems daft because if they are not a safe person, why do I care? So much work to do! But I really appreciate this video.
I use what I call the “Interview Technique” in new social situations as I really am not good at (and don’t understand the function of) small talk. I often choose 3 questions in advance. For example, at choir rehearsal, I’ll ask, how long have you been in the choir? how are you enjoying the music? do you live here in town? Works really well! 16:58
I’m so glad I found this channel. I wasn’t abused as a child in the ways people often think about.. I was basically ignored/invisible. Wasn’t wanted, wasn’t valued, had no guidance for how to live and be a successful, well adjusted adult.. but much of this series of videos definitely still applies. Thank you for sharing these insights in your videos! ❤
Yes my family was indifferent or hostile - a lot though was passive indifference to me being around. I didn’t realize it was wounding to me. It absolutely can be. It’s a subtle trauma.
I was having an evaluation with my much younger boss a few years ago. I said, "I grew up in the same town as Kurt Cobain, but" and I intended to say that I was much older than he was but instead I said, "I didn't kill myself."
I talk talk talk out of my nervousness, something I've been working on, and due to a childhood full of trying to be good and not get in trouble, and my natural personality (I do wonder if I'm a little divergent as sometimes I get literal), I find I fail in conversations when people are getting to know me, because I sort of go on autopilot answering questions, and it's like I forget it's a conversation and instead it's just 'prompt->response->repeat'. It's almost like I depart for a different plane and my body is left 'following the rules / filling in the form' by answering questions. I'm also a very honest person and desperately want human connection so oversharing is also an issue, although I'm also working on that. But noticing awkwardness in other people purposefully has really helped me deal with the shame spiral, which has helped me be more social. When I'm shopping I take notice when people stuff up in conversation, when they say awkward things, when grown adults lose all sensibility and say the wildest stuff. It has helped me not internally freak out and want to run when I do something awkward. Because I can step back and say 'that was a bit awkward. But I've seen this hundreds of times from everyone, and also a hundred times worse, so it's no big deal'. And it really isn't. Honestly, the things I used to mull over and fret about are totally forgotten by other people because they just weren't big deals *at all*. It's been very freeing. I recently got into voice chat on a discord hobby group I've joined, first time in a long time actually socialising outside of a transactional setting, and with multiple people at once. And I did overtalk, and I was probably a little more enthusiastic than I should've been. But nobody shunned me, and the next time I was better. And I didn't ruminate on it too much, either. I just said 'welp, here are the things you didn't like about it, remember not to do it next time, and be a bit more chill' and it worked.
Can I just say thank you for sharing your process for overcoming overtalking and awkwardness? I literally felt this recently at a small shop I go to about every other month and I sadly ruminated over how awkward the interaction was and how embarrassed I felt all night. I literally gave myself insomnia. But reading your post made me realize the owner has probably seen much worse or more awkward behavior and I should give myself some grace and let it go. Also, to look at things as a learning experience and how to do better next time!
Thank you, Patrick! This is an incredibly helpful topic. This problem runs my existence. I don't necessarily expect big energy from people, but I always hope that they'll show interest in me by listening to what I say and asking an open-ended question or two (and then listening to the answer to that). I'm good at giving that kind of listening to other people, and I feel like I hardly ever get it back. I usually end up feeling like I'm the most boring person in the room. It never occurred to me that the (many) people who talk "at" me for long periods of time may be doing it because of their own childhood trauma.
I am frustrated with this cycle as well- I'll catch myself in over-talk mode and then over-correct into some kind of interviewer. It's not really "attentive listening" as much as it's "fawning" and usually that's a good indicator I need to minimize interaction with that person.
I got the dog because I love dogs and got a cat through the kitten distribution system lol. I’ve never had a cat before, it’s strange that the only one with healthy boundaries in our house is the cat. I want to pet her and stuff but she’s like no. I’m like my dog (who loves everyone) but need to be more like my cat.
9 месяцев назад+5
1. You never miss. 2. The quality of your audio is so delicious 11/10.
I do the overtalking and feel so stupid afterwards oh my god. I think it is because I want to make sure I am understood because I've been gaslit so much
I don’t think you realize how much this has saved me from self sabotaging. I’ve taken up intensive DBT in the past and I couldn’t help but feel like I relapse sometimes. Thank you for this video. From the bottom of my heart, you are supporting so many, I’m sure, that have been dealing with this for years. You have articulated the most difficult aspect of my current life- there’s a DBT I’ve always lived by “if you can name it, you can tame it”
Everything you have said in this video is me. I am 56 and grew up in a home where my dad was an alcoholic and my mom was a co-dependent, and my sister was a crackhead and my other sister was mentally disaband. I've realised how much it has affected my life. It is the reason why I have never had a successful relationship. And it is the reason why I function better when i'm by myself because I get so awkward around people. Thank you for your videos.They are very helpful
It seems like you're a particularly unique voice in this space. You focus in on specific topics in an applied way that I find really illuminating. I think it's something about how you connect specific symptoms and thoughts to childhood trauma in a way that feels different to other creators.
As someone who is neurodivergent (which is where my childhood trauma comes from - non ND folx may have been just fine in my child shoes 👟) this content REALLLLYYYYYYYYY fits 🫰🫰🫰
Every segment of this video is relatable. This is the 'bullseye' description of the ongoing pain I have struggled with for so many decades. What a relief to hear it described so clearly, comprehensively, and compassionately. I am 61 and grateful to be finally healing. This video has contributed to that healing. Thank you so much, Patrick Teahan!!
I'm 53...I am a childhood trauma "survivor"....my WHOLE life I've known im different...it wasnt until my diagnosis of ptsd and the subsequent work i have to do, it's affects f this are so insidious/systemic and widespread, that the sheare amount of work that needs to be done is daunting as if life werent hard enough already....god speed everyone...and Patrick thank youfor your sage insight
I'm currently receiving trauma therapy for stuff that happened to me as a kid. A lot of this video made sense with my over sharing, social awkward, over reading and I do over talk when highly anxious to try and justify myself. My therapists went through some of this with me last week, trying to work on boundaries and body language. I had no idea how the abuse really screwed me up and made my life hell. Your videos are amazing and eye opening and thank you so much for making them.
It's good to know how we react in social situations. I think sometimes we're way too hard on ourselves because we were brought up with the bar set WAY too high for our stages of childhood. I find crowds, loud noises, and violent "entertainment" (movies/videos/games) overstimulate me, so I avoid. Also, any amount of alcohol or too much caffeine is no bueno for my rationality and sense of calm.
I think I use to overshare because i didnt want to be misunderstood and then have assumptions of who i was - used against me. I also think a lot of it was hoping someone- anyone, would understand me. Even at all... I realize now I had hoped I'd find someone further along on their healing journey so they could hold a mirror to me and reveal the places i was stuck.😅😔
This guy is such a blessing. I've been in and out of therapy, institutions, etc.. and he's explaining specifics that I thought was absolutely specific to my malady. Thank you so much!!! ❤️
I’ve just come to the realization that people really aren’t interested in listening. They’re more interested in talking. And it’s about 90% true. Occasionally, you will find someone who is interested in listening to you and your story. Those folks will ask questions that show genuine interest.
I needed this. Both Parents found a way to shape shift into people who have no children and treat us as acquaintances. I am in therapy. I no longer want to be mad about anymore. #R76
When I first got a job I felt like all my coworkers hated me and wanted me to leave 😂 That's not true I'm seeing now... Not perfect at it but it is better
Needed this video so much this morning. I just learned that some friends wouldn't be attending my 50th anniversary party in the evening (a group of 16 or so people, of which only 3-4 persons they know) because "they didn't sleep well and were tired". It immediately triggered all my insecurities. Your video helped put things in perspective.
This is extremely helpful. What I do suffer also is repeating myself and this seems really subconscious and feels really unnecessary. Like I have this belief that people didn’t get it the first time. Or making sure they know what I feel and think and wanting them to believe the same things as I do. So thanks. Your prompts really made me think and I will start journaling more of this and follow your tips in conversations. You also made me understand why I want to have better control of all you mentioned. You hit the nail on the head when you said we survivors tend to be in deep shame as an after effect. For so long I have tried to balance between being okay and accepting of our awkward selves and being ashamed of our awkward selves. You also made me realise how much kindness we need, and perhaps even extending that kindness to others who are over sharing with us too.
“You hate me” wow. Thats so powerful. I always walk around with this feeling, this is exactly what I do everything to avoid subconsciously. I work somewhere as a man and I am the only man who works there. I always feel like everyone hates me, I am overly nice and try to people please in every aspect of my life even though it doesn’t feel genuine. I just do automatically, even when I try to act differently it feels literally like I have to put every fiber of my being into acting differently even when it is how I actually want to act. I don’t know if that makes sense, but i hate it, and it makes me hate myself because I feel like I can’t change this aspect of myself. What really hurts me is that it feels like that’s just who I am and I have to just deal with it. But I do it because I have this deep feeling I am trying to not feel which is “you hate me” that has been something I can never bare or deal with because I was neglected as a child and took on a parent role emotionally and was bullied so badly by an older sibling. Is there hope? 😣
THIS is soooo something I struggle with - the mind reading, the "thinking everyone thinks what I'm thinking, assuming they process/interpret the same way I do" - the "interpreting their reaction or NON reaction to mean they hate me or think I'm foolish... or the "thinking they remember or are JUDGING me for issues I'm imagining." So it's good - in my case - to learn to assume it has nothing to do with me, it's probably okay, and there's probably NOT a big issue. I think a lot of the time, people are pretty cool with me actually but I sorta take their absence or silence very hard, ya know, I maybe think they don't like me, I think "if I were them, I'd reach out! What the heck!" - that's hard. I DO feel very ignored and neglected, because often I AM! I am very lonely. It's so frustrating. I feel so often I could be shooting myself in the foot with people who are good people who like me, because I just ASSUME they don't, or assume they're obsessing about my "flaws" the way I am... It's frustrating to be stuck with so much alone time with this sort of brain but this video was helpful. I need help to snap out of that, because that inner child is such an asset and so much of what makes me magic, but also he's also often running things as far as how I relate to the world, or what I assume of people when I am not directly interacting with them. I wish I did feel more seen, I wish I could trust that people like me.
😊 it can be helpful in these situations to look at your own thoughts objectively like “oh there is that thought again about someone not liking me”. We are merely the thinker of that thought. We can take some distance from it. It’s a pattern we keep repeating. We can disrupt it by noticing it in that manner, then intentionally choosing to simply redirect our attention elsewhere, or to reframe it: “I’m not for everyone and that’s also ok, I like me”. You sound likable to me 😎👍🏽
Cultivating compassion for self and others helps me for past 25 years alleviate the self-consciousness. I think I'm good at regularly putting things in perspective for myself for various things, including the fact that I could cease to be and have spent so much time worrying about other people's opinions of me rather than living authentically.
This is so, SO helpful. I've always felt so socially awkward bc of my deep, complex trauma...for me, this also directly relates to feeling like an alien. Thank you so much for what you do! This is more helpful than I have words for...and I was an English major. Bless you, Patrick!
My biggest struggle is that I automatically assume people don’t want me, and that I’ll be the outcast in any group because “something is wrong with that one.”
Mr. Teahan your videos were what finally convinced me to take the leap of faith on dealing with my past and they continue to help me as a supplement to therapy. You are truly a life saver in the most literal sense.
As someone who spent a large chunk of my childhood and early teens imitating Ace Ventura, and most of my lifetime being called weird by my friends; I'm looking forward to this😂 If I could stop being a clown to mask my anxiety that'd be great🙏🤡
Lol. I can relate. I often go into “entertainer mode.” Some of them seem to enjoy it but I also think it keeps me from getting what I need out of it Bcuz I’m “serving” or “doing a job.” Idk. Maybe for me it’s this idea that I need to be useful and have to sort of “earn my keep” to be worthy enough. Not even sure why yet but I often feel compelled to try and amuse people.
This hits home in so many ways. I actually watched this while attempting to navigate dating after divorce… So I am also hoping and waiting for the “what not to overshare on a date” video 😂 As always, thank you for saying these things in such a kind and honest way ❤
Of course the first negative thought I have this morning is “The new person hates me.” I did take time to ask myself why and that alone helped me realize this person may not like Mondays either, or had a rough morning or has deadlines. I agree that I was always gaging receptiveness of both parents (one who overreacts and one brooding and deep in thought). That feels like a tough one to work through but a good reality check too.
If I'm at an event and don't know anyone... I just leave. Was heavily bullied and rejected growing up... Still always odd person out in social situations
The mindfulness is super helpful to avoid becoming a total mess in public and then retreat to your home for weeks, too affraid and too embarrased. Decompress from social situations as needed, before needed.
The point that people can’t read your mind-I felt that so deep. I always felt that my shame was leaking out my ears. My mother encouraged the opposite of boundaries, and made me feel guilty for wanting any amount of separation or autonomy, so I also feel like I should be telling people everything that’s running through my head wether it’s appropriate or not. I rarely overshare, but that tension is always there, like I’m harming people by holding something back for myself.
Thank you, Patrick! I do ALL these things. I've gotten better after much therapy and self-examination, as well as finding good friends. But I still do these behaviors at times. I love your attitude of being gentle with oneself. One thing I did just recently was overshare with strangers about a movie that I loved. I think it's because I wasn't allowed to have such enthusiastic responses as a child -- my enthusiasms were kind of "tamped down" in childhood, or not really appreciated. So I feel this need (which I think you get to really well in this video) to try to almost "force" people I hardly know to appreciate my enthusiasms, to kind of validate them. Writing it out like this, I realize that my interests and enthusiasms are inherently valid -- the sadness from childhood is still there -- but I don't need others to RE-validate me so much anymore. Thanks again.
thank you so much for acknowledging neurodivergent differences in this ❤ ❤❤ i feel like there is a huge overlap in this specific topic, especially with high masking late diagnosed folks, that would be highly beneficial for both neurotypical and neurodivergent people to explore... autistics in particular, but i think all neurodivergent children suffer from being different and rejected a lot, many experiencing abuse in their own families too (often stemming from internalised ableism of neurodivergent parents). so the number of people who struggle with social awkwardness and childhood trauma because of unrecognised neurodivergence is likely to be very high. maybe you could do a collaboration with some youtubers in that space? my favourite is meg from 'i'm autistic, now what' as she is a long time youtuber and seems very interested in filling that gap of understanding between neurotypes in a very respectful and mutually supportive way ❤
like some interesting questions around this could be 'what is the difference between hypervigilance and hyper-empathy?' (many high-masking autistics go unrecognised because of hyper-empathy), 'what is the difference between overtalking/oversharing and info-dumping?' and 'what is the difference between inertia and shyness?'. just as like some conversation starters, not saying these things are all relevant or connected 😅 for me personally, the most overlap and the one thing i struggle with most persistantly is questions. a) when and how to ask them and which ones to ask - i have overcome the stage of not being able to think of any, with a lot of practise, but am still quite insecure about not prying, which was also the reason behind not being able to think of any questions in the first place: like with eye contact and touching, asking questions feels intrusive by default - and b) how to answer questions appropriately, as in determining how much interest there is in a serious and/or honest answer and how to not overshare/set boundaries when the question is inappropriate and/or it's the other person that is nosy and prying. and also how to deal with other people's oversharing, especially when they talk about things that trigger me. anyways, i would obviously love any more content around socialising so fingers crossed 😁 thank you for this one too/again, it was definitely much more applicable to my neurodivergent problems than i thought it would be 🎉
Thank you for this video, Patrick! I will have to implement some of the journaling around this topic. I was a more shy and sensitive child with narcissistic parents and loud/overbearing personalities in my family. I tend to not feel seen or heard, and definitely am hypervigilant about how people are responding to me in conversation, always noticing what seem to me like negative reactions to me and it leads to shame and continued feelings of awkwardness, and makes me want to bolt. I'm at a place where i want to show up more to conversations but it also feels scary to be seen and I experience flushing and elevated HR because it feels dangerous to have eyes on me for too long. Ironic and weird to want to be seen, but feel unsafe being too seen. I can stumble over my words or lose my train of thought. And then i feel more shame for my body's response of feeling unsafe. I thankfully have a husband that I feel safe with and have been able to do a lot of healing due to that, but its even difficult to try to figure the conversation dynamic with my inlaws, even after years of being married. They tend to dominate conversation and not ask many questions, leading to more of that feeling unseen and unheard, which triggers my inner child. I don't think they mean to, but i think its due to their own trama and awkwardness as humans. It can be hard to navigate, and tends to end in me feeling unseen and disappointed.
I don't have social anxiety, usually, but I do frequently go through what I call "hindsight anxiety", which is exactly what you describe in this video as the shame and bad feelings that come up judging oneself after social interactions in which one was dissociating and/or talking too much or even overshared vulnerabilities. E.g. I participated in a "getting to know each other" group at a conference, and it was moderated really poorly, so the next person was always sharing more (personal stories) that the previous. I tried so hard not to do that.. but then a person came out to all of us strangers (in this social, but work related setting), and everybody was quiet after their story.. the situation felt so uncomfortable that I felt a strong urge to end the quiet and started to talk after all, and even though I started with telling them that I was worried about the questions we were answering because I struggled with oversharing, I wasn't able to keep my story brief and over talked to an extend that the moderator ended up interrupting me. I felt so ashamed and exposed. It was a really horrible situation and probably the worst "hindsight anxiety" I have experienced so far.
No doubt this says more about my distorted thinking than about Patrick's message -- my takeaway was that the solution is to journal, and to keep quiet in social situations. Ouch.
@patrickteahanofficial I want to say thank you so much for what you’re doing here on RUclips. Offering these videos for free really is a massive public service. I’m in therapy but it can be a slow process at times. Your content allows me to find exactly what I’m struggling with and learn more about it. Personally I have a lot of trouble being articulate about my emotions and my childhood experiences. Your ability to be clear & concise (and friendly!) is VERY helpful for me.
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
1:37 Tip #1: Over-Reading and Predicting
3:08 Tip #1: Over-Reading and Predicting (What to Do Instead)
4:27 Tip #2: Secrets Running in the Background
5:43 Tip #2: Secrets Running in the Background (What to Do Instead)
6:41 Tip #3: Over-Talking
7:38 Tip #3: Over-Talking (What to Do Instead)
8:43 Tip #4: Assuming They Know
10:22 Tip #4: Assuming They Know (What to Do Instead)
11:10 Tip #5: Over-Sharing
12:15 Tip #5: Over-Sharing (What to Do Instead)
13:33 Tip #6: Blurting Out
14:26 Tip #6: Blurting Out (What to Do Instead)
15:26 Final Thoughts
16:33 Outro
Hey Patrick! I was listening to a video while I made dinner on self-sabotage that you did I believe with your mentor, and I recognized in the role play between the inner adult and the inner child that I found myself feeling semi-triggered by Amanda(I think that’s who it was) and how she spoke to the inner child in a way that was so compassionate and understanding. The reason why is because I felt like if she were speaking to me in that moment, she would be talking “down” to me like I was not emotionally able to handle the conversation. That seems like it’s a harsh judgment, but growing up I recognize that a good bit of my autonomy and ability to grow into individuality was stifled by my mother trying to do everything for me and by my father expecting treating me like I was less mature than my age. I was expected to be more mature than them, but treated like I was significantly less mature than your “average” 9-15 year old. Even until I moved out of the house and after that, honestly.
My question is, do you have any videos about navigating this issue? How do I speak as an inner adult to my inner child in a way that is compassionate, loving, and validating in a way my emotions did not receive validation without also triggering a feeling like I’m being talked down to or treated as less intelligent because of it?
Edit: I feel it is important to note that at the time of writing this comment I am about four days past sending my no contact letter to my parents. There are many, many fresh emotions and so many things I am just now discovering I have felt inside for so long. Those feelings are informing some of what is happening here, and it’s entirely possible those feelings are affecting my perspective or interpretation of what Amanda said. Nevertheless, I felt it was an important question.
That I was very helpful. Lots of good tips on that one🤘🏼😎
My biggest fear is bothering anyone. That has so much weight in my anxiety. Assume everyone is bothered
Ah yeah me too. I find i go through lifes struggles alone to make sure I'm not 'burdening' anyone this infact hinders my relationships but i dont know any other way. X
Same here. It all comes from everybody starting out their response with “I’ve been so busy. “ it feels like They’re basically telling me that they’re too busy to deal with me. Or that they’ve decided they can tolerate dealing with me for a few minutes, so they respond.
I’ve stopped reaching out to these people and guess what. They never check in with me.
Well I don’t think it’s completely an “us” problem, with the number of people acting like even small, basic interactions - even from supposed friends - are such a crushing burden on their energy and “peace”.
Offenting people
❤️🩷🧡💛💚💙
The "you hate me" in the thumbnail is what gets me. I always jump to that thought. Fear of people hating me
Yes! I just reached out to someone this morming, so I can book their service, and they haven't replied... I've been thinking about it all day. Perhaps they don't like me and don't care to have my business.
But I also tell myself, if they choose to ignore my message, maybe that says more about them than me.
It's so hard. I have PTSD and I was SA'd and neglected as a child. I truly wonder if perhaps I'm overthinking stuff.
Me too!
Me too
“Go into a social situation as just you, not what happened to you.” This is so helpful. For me, I could use, “Go into a social situation as the person your friends like, not what your mother thinks of you.” I’ll remember that, thank you.
I'm the opposite
I find myself going from one extreme to the other. Either I share way too much or completely shutting people out. There's no in between.
This struggle is real.
Same for me
That happens 😓
When your inner adult comes online you really start to find a great balance between the two. Keep journaling and keep practising healthy habits and you will find yourself feeling more relaxed socially as time goes on! It’s a long road to recovery but you can do it!
💯
Its so embarrassing when im sharing what i think is a mildly amusing anecdote and the other person tells me they are sorry that happened 💀 that was not the intended vibe i meant to bring
So much this >
Ugh just had an interaction like that at work 🤦🏽♀️
Scaring the Normies. 💘
I'm so glad I went through that stage in highschool/early university. I'd be telling my classmates about some minor shenanigans and finish it with "I got spanked with a belt for that LOL" and other kids were like, that's messed up :D. And I'd be like, how come, how else could my parents stop me from misbehaving, no way it would work if they were only telling me stuff, don't be ridiculous :D.
But by the time I graduated and entered adult world I was fully mindfull about the fucked up bits of my childhood - mostly thanks to my bestie studying psychology and telling me things she've learned.
Love the recent reel on children being told they don't have common sense by abusive parents who have no awareness of child development, communication skills, or the need to explain things to people. People aren't mind readers, and children especially aren't so.
Preach! 👏🏻
yeah, I was publically humiliated by my parents for failing to live up to unspoken standards and with no training-talk about a no win situation-and as a kid that processes as i’m less than everyone else. thank you for acknowledging that aspect of patrick’s wisdom!
Omg - that was my Mom's mantra about me from toddlerhood on. I haven't listened to this yet, this comment just jumped out at me...
She not only said it to me, she found opportunities to bring it up alllll the time in conversations with others - even people we were just meeting in passing...
I had no idea that was a thing!
Can't wait to listen to this
I heard this one as a qualifier to something good. Mom would say, "You're very bright, but you have no common sense."
My mom's catchphrase is still "common sense is not common". She was the only one who had this innate skill. My father and I lacked it, in her eyes, and so we were lacking
My biggest issue with social interactions is that, on top of being an introvert, I have nothing in common with most people so trying to talk to strangers is mentally exhausting. I end up either blabbing like a fool or avoiding conversations altogether.
I can put on a different persona at work, and can talk to the wall when in that mode, but outside of it I just can't do it so I avoid social occasions like a plague. I still occasionally make a fool of myself at work, but I'm learning to keep my mouth shut.
“Be gentle with yourself.”
Easy to say… challenging to practice.
God loves you and has a good plan for your life.
@@marylouleeman591 sometimes i question and doubt why such a thing even occurred in the first place if that was gods will and intention
Sometimes I try to view my situation as if I was just an outside observer, looking at a stranger. Would I judge that stranger just as harshly as I judge myself?
If the answer is no and I am being too harsh, then I know I'm not being reasonable. I'm holding myself to a higher standard that I wouldn't hold someone else to and I need to bring my expectations down to a normal level.
Yes and:
It gets easier the more you do it ❤
We must become our best friend, because our best friend loves us, supports us, doesn"t give up on us, and most importantly, doesn't lie to us. They help us become our best self, by making us face our own darkness, one step at a time.
There are people that I have cut off contact with because every time I was around them I felt I couldn’t do or say anything right. Every encounter led to shame.
I hear you about how every encounter led to shame, or at least practically every encounter.
Wow this is a very specific comment but I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard someone say that there’s nothing wrong with being shy
The thing that drives me the most crazy is not knowing when or how to jump into a conversation with several people. By the time I spot a moment to jump in, the discussion has moved on and my comment no longer applies. I think a big part of my awkwardness in general was NPD parents who really didn't socialize so I was never around normal conversations.
I totally relate! That happens to me all the time.😕
I decided I’m a listener. This is brutal.
Oh one more thing. I deliberately try not to have group conversations. I decided that it’s the pacing I can’t handle. I can do quite well with one person but I can’t get the timing with two or more people.
It’s just so much easier to not take the bait and catch people at a different time.
Meanwhile, I’m like this. Big smile and a “Good morning, y’all.” Then, quickly go into my classroom. Later dudes.😂
I literally raise my hand (awkwardly of course). This is where I always try to make room for other people in a convo that I’m being a dominant talker if I can. That sort of leads by example because I’ve noticed when I’m not being a dominant talker, my friends will make room for my comments also. But like the other person said, sometimes just listening.
This is an also an autistic trait! Experiencing the world as an autistic person has a lot of similarities to a trauma experience - it can be experienced as trauma. An interesting one to think about.
It’s after a social event , party, whatever that my anxiety is unbearable to deal with, not just during. Continuously re playing over my mind dumb things I said or saying something embarrassing faux pas stuff. It haunts me days after. I literally run off and quickly do anything to take my mind off a random past memory that creeps up of some social conversation, years after in happened! It is so crippling. I try my best to go with the flow in a social situation however my body reacts before my mind does, so I end up fidgeting, then I become aware of myself even more, try to act normal, smile along, make eye contact, nodding away in agreement, even though I have no idea what conversation is about. I’m lost when I’m around people, but feel at home and at peace when I’m alone.
This is me all my life
Me too!!! I expect it now and make myself a safe place to process. I make sure I have food and tea. It can take a few days sometimes. I’ve learned that the intensity always passes.
@Opinionatedcancer I worked in customer service too, for 20 years! I loved my job and the time I was working there, my confidence greatly improved, however the feeling of unworthiness was always there in the background from having my self esteem destroyed by teachers since infant school, (undiagnosed adhd) that I can never shake off. I’m in my early 40’s now, and in all that time, I have learned, observed and took stock to understand one thing. If you show any vulnerability or weakness to colleagues, friends and even your own family they will use it against you later on. Sad, I know. I can only count three people in my life who I can talk to with trust. Patrick stresses in his videos to speak to a safe person who you trust. That is so important in mental wellbeing. As far as I can discern there is messed up people everywhere in all backgrounds who are willing to take you down to get an inch ahead. Dog eat dog….🙄 I’m at point in my life where I am tired of masking, to be accepted in social circles. I’m not playing a role anymore. I have learned I enjoy my own company and I accept who I am. That’s all that matters. I’m simply not a social creature wanting to be accepted and liked.
@@Opinionatedcancer my partner has worked in customer service for about 5 years. He wins awards for his performance. I did the same job and lasted 6 months and had a total mental breakdown.
I can relate to everything you said especially feeling the most safe when I’m alone and at home.
When I’m in social situations, I completely shut down and don’t talk. I don’t know what to say and assume people don’t like me. I wish I could be talkative and social but when I put myself in those situations it doesn’t usually go well
I am still over talking and over sharing and think this is a reaction to feeling invisible and ignored. Even though I’ve been aware of it for years, I still do it in stress situations.
I appreciate what you are saying. I get triggered when folks talk over me. It feels much like my childhood when I had no voice. I haven't mastered a solution to theee types of situations.
I do too when I talk then shut down or I don't talk at all because I'm afraid I will. LOL like both don't make it weird and awkward.
I understand that. It's as if someone takes over in your mind and after, you think, did I say all that? I grew up the last of many many children and I was naturally shy but also felt invisible, even though I had loving parents.
I find that I’m over talking because it doesn’t allow the other person time to think about it they like me or not.. it doesn’t allow time for them to say/do something that will make me have a negative reaction/feeling. Which of course is not the right thing to do but it’s a defense mechanism 😖😖
Yes, same 😢😢❤
There's also... lying? Not the lying of "I don't want to get in trouble", but more the story telling of "I'm boring, so I have to fib to seem cool". My worst and most persistent maladaptive trait was 'spicing up' the truth; implying hobbies I had no interest in, making up a more interesting personal life, fabricating dates and partners. I'd guess what they'd want to hear, or how I would write the events like it were a book. So I struggled either with getting caught, or only having surface level relationships built on a character of myself that I had to maintain.
I feel like I needed a #7: jumping in with stories about myself in response to when other people share so that it sounds like I only care about myself. I've read or heard elsewhere that this is the inner child's response to wanting to be heard so desperately that we finally feel like we get a chance to speak. Heck, maybe that was another PT video. But I distinctly remember having a conversation like this in college where my roommate very nicely said, "This isn't about you," and I was just crushed. I was just trying to relate, not dominate.
(as I jump in to contribute how your comment relates to me haha)
My partner does this quite a lot. I get the feeling she wants other people to feel that she's actively listening and relating, but also showing that she understands what the other person is feeling. It can big time come across as one-upping and bragging. I know she doesn't mean it that way, but it's painful to watch sometimes.
It's also a neurodivergent thing. We tend to communicate by relating and expect others to build on what we say and move the conversation. It's collaborative. But the other major communication style wants to take turns expressing interest and asking questions about what the other person says. To me it is so tedious and feels so forced
I think what helps is learning to frame it. "the worst that ever happened to me was x" and practice keeping it short then relating it back "it was similar to you so I can see why that's hard for you" .But also, maybe that person isn't the right fit for you. I get along great with people who share stories, and it's weird for me when stories aren't just shared all the time. There's one guy I know who when his "best friend" had a really bad day kept saying "you think that's bad, my day had xxxx happen" and xxxx was nothing compared to his "best friend's" experience. That's one upping.
I also agree that I think we do this to show that we are listening and can relate to the pain they’re going through. I find when I am really itching to share My story is when I really need to just be quiet and focus on what they’re talking about, my story can wait as I’m not experiencing it now
(Doing this now, here, in this post:) I had a conversation with my partner about how he would get frustrated when I’d tell him “I understand” or “yeah, I felt that way too when this happened to me…”. We had to figure out that his typical responses “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry that happened to you” were reminding me of my parents dismissing my feelings. It always felt like “shut up and get off the phone now” when he said that, instead of relating to the experience I’d had. For me, I feel comforted knowing I’m not alone - so knowing someone else also experiences the feeling I’ve had is comforting and validating, whereas my partner wanted me to appreciate his experience without trying to relate to what he was experiencing (he didn’t need me to validate his experience, he needed to express it and have it be heard. And yes, I’m neurodivergent.
Edit to add: I’m not trying to make it about me; but if it were me, I’d like to know I’m not alone, so my way of expressing that is by sharing when I’ve felt similarly to show you you’re not alone. Hope that makes sense.
I’m 3 months into a new job & find working in an office to be overwhelming because I’m scared of everyone, yet want to fit in with everyone. It’s terrifying and exhausting at the same time.
Yes!! Absolutely exhausting. Not to mention doing the actual work
I feel this so much. You are not alone. Thank you for sharing. ❤
@@Nenufær cried for about 30 min after work today, I really appreciate ur comment
I feel ya. I remember the day I made up my mind to get a new job after 35 years at a dead-end job. I took the new job, and I knew that I could do any job in the company if necessary. By the time I retired 5 years later, I had the respect of the CEO and my coworkers because I did the job right. I suggested many new processes such as 3d printing test fixtures, and fabricated new tools to make the jobs easier. It can be done. My dad used to say "I've got 2 arms and two legs and a brain just like everybody else." Best of luck!
@@Nenufær it still sucks but is a lot less overwhelming. I’ve been keeping to myself and it takes some pressure off. I’m applying for part time jobs that I think will be more fulfilling seeing I’m not getting that in the full time role. I’m really trying to push through and not quit this job like every other job (never lasted longer than a year)
“We’re often looking for big confirming energy.” Bingo! And let me flip that…
I am always giving big confirming energy, and give it a couple of different ways to ensure the receiver didn’t miss it. For example, anytime someone holds the door for me I will try to make eye contact, give them a big smile, and say in a loud, clear voice “Thanks! I really appreciate it!”
Thanks for all you do, Patrick. You have changed my life over the last few years. I am almost 60, and after working on the vestiges of my childhood trauma with your guidance, I finally feel like a joyful, peaceful, 90% adult!!
Thank you!
Thank you Patrick for helping me (now in my 50s) finally start taking the training wheels off. Social gatherings are such torture, my mouth diving into over-talking and over-sharing, while the rest of me is looking for a chair to crawl under ... this video is going to be such a lifesaver, I can already tell!
I can totally relate.
@@goodenoughgirl8102me too
Same.
Training wheels off!! I love that!
Yes. I’m looking for the family dog. I find relating to their pet to be much easier.
As if I am cheating my therapist with your talks. I am shocked that for the first time someone speaks so kindly to me and understands the deepest problems. My therapist tolerates all my behaviors without judgement but you understand. Thank you so much for your work
I was just tripping for the billionth time about how people are repulsed by me. Even though I have no evidence that I am currently hated,I still can't convince myself that I am safe
I get this so much. The only logical conclusion I can come to is that I’m repellent in some way, right? What else can possibly explain it?
@mntccd Thank you so much for your reply!You really helped me today and warmed my heart..All good things to you
My feelings of inadequacy are so big that literally makes me shut down . I started a new job and I can’t really function well there , I am feeling extremely shy . All my life has been like this , I used to drink and I could have fun going out but i quit it now I am struggling to be in social situations . I am in a risk of loosing my job I guess . O matter my efforts it seems that I cant overcome it
Been there done this. But after a lot of work both personally and in groups now life is very good indeed. Do hope you hang in there and keep fighting. This video hit the spot in the first minute.
As the Ghost trauma personality type, I can't wait to see this 🥲Even writing this comment feels awkward
I left a comment… rewrote it like 5 times. I can totally relate.
This is one of the main reasons I became an alcoholic. When I didn't drink, I wanted to stay home, but if there's alcoholic I can let loose and actually have fun. It sucks.
My problem is the complete opposite of the examples you described in the intro. I am socially awkward but its always because I say too little. I share too little and struggle to build connections with people, when I'm nervous or anxious I shut down and hardly talk, in social situation I tend to become invisible because that's where I feel the safest. The techniques you described though, still apply in a helpful way
Oh gosh, I go for daily walks in the same park with my dog. The other day I felt so depressed because other walkers didn’t acknowledge me or my dog at all. I was very friendly to them and over talked but they didn’t reciprocate. I felt odd and weird for talking to their dogs and to them. I also got upset when a man didn’t say hi to me when I said hello to him. I immediately thought that he thought I was fat and unattractive. I’m extremely sensitive to other’s opinions and responses. I know I’m depressed. I wish I could get over what other people think of me.
I feel like this in the office all the time. That feeling of being invisible and utterly alien at the same time. So draining.
You sound really wrapped up in yourself. Where I live it is normal for strangers to greet each other when crossing on a path in nature or in a narrow street in a small village. Often it just happens spontaneously. When places get busy, this can feel tiring. But it is important, societally. This is in Italy and the French part of Switzerland. As a woman, I do not greet men first when passing one. That’s because I deem it more appropriate for a gentleman to greet a lady first. Others might be more socially awkward than you, or somewhat rude, if they ignore a hello from you. Making yourself your main focus is a pity and so short-sighted, perhaps you need too much validation from others instead of just being genuinely you, enjoying being yourself, your walk and your dog.
I can tell you from experience that not caring about other people's opinions comes easier with age.
I'm in my early forties now and only care about the opinions of those closest to me.
Just give yourself time and you'll get there.
The biggest factor I've found that's helped my crippling social anxiety is how I feel about myself. Knowing that I'm good enough no matter how awkward or misunderstood I am in social interactions. Lately there's been so much less weight around what strangers might think of me and that's helped me to feel more calm and comfortable talking. I feel like my smiles are more genuine, it's easier to say kind things and just have more pleasant interactions. I notice others' anxiety more too and it's easier to lessen the tension (while not taking responsibility for their feelings). Knowing my worth has taken years of work and is still a work in progress but things are finally feeling easier. I'm knowing I deserve to feel confident, and finally looking for proof of that, rather than looking to confirm that I'm bad and wrong, and should feel bad and avoid people.
I'm also late diagnosed autistic/ADHD and learning about those social difficulties has helped me to understand and have much more compassion for myself. I'll probably always seem weird or be misunderstood at times, but I am weird and I love myself for it. They don't have to know I'm autistic for me to know I'm valid in the ways I exist and interact. I'm a good, kind person and I'm always doing my best to be kind and considerate to others, I finally know and trust that about myself 💖 Also learning to treat the more negative social interactions/mistakes as loving/constructive lessons rather than shame spirals and proof that I'm bad. It takes time and repetition but it's getting easier and mistakes are a lot less scary and overwhelming ✨
Thank you fellow ND, well put, relate
I can relate.. whenever i feel the debilitating and spiralling cycle of shame (due to awkward social interaction or negative events), i find what helps is finding things in my life, or in myself, that makes me feel good. And that can be anything; like having a genuine laugh with a coworker, sharing a genuine positive moment with someone, and realizing how fortunate i am for being alive..
And this is most important; u wanna find anything in your life that boosts your self-confidence and esteem. Because the main thing we lack is self love and self acceptance, when we accept (love) our shame and deficiencies, for example i say to myself okay i just had an extremely embarrassing moment happen today, but i fully accept myzelf and would do not run away from it thr next day, i would face it, and accept any shame that comes up, i would even welcome it. And that acceptance i feel really helped.
@@JuneJuneyJunJunethese are such great tips. thank you so much you guys 😭😭😭
- someone who is still healing ❤️🩹
Thanks for all the comments in this thread. Helps a lot!
i relate to all of this, god. my trauma isn’t based on anyone abusive, just being bullied as a really small child, and then being a weird, shy kid, which made me have this kind of inferiority issue throughout all my life, which i’m realising just now. it feels good to finally understand myself honestly
Yep I’m right there with you. I was bullied by several people - teachers, kids in school, my older sister, etc. I subconsciously carried the belief I was this “doofus” and unacceptable, what I liked was stupid, I was a joke, I was ugly. It was pervasive and lasted years. I didn’t realize it altered my development of a sense of self. I carried invisible baggage. I was caught up in being nice to be liked even by nasty people because of this trauma - that I didn’t feel deserved to be called trauma. Being shy, neurodivergent, and growing up in domestic violence also royally did not help! Glad to see so many of us on this worthwhile journey of feeling good enough and human. I’m not that helpless little child anymore.
@@chelseamiracle128
Your childhood sounds like mine. My parent had me in a cult in which I didn't mentally escape until my 40s and that cult mindset helped me to stay anti social and UN- healed
Thank you so much 😊 I feel that I belong to this community of people healing and being triumphant over their childhood abuse. I am 70 years old and it healing to hear your comments. Thank you.
I'm 72--feeng the same.
61. Working away on myself. I'm a therapist but can't find a CPTSD therapist anywhere. Doing self care for now.
I have a hard time making friends and want people to like me, so I tend to overtalk and at times, overshare, due to my anxiety and desire to connect. Then I get mad at myself for it. Thank you for explaining how to keep working on breaking this cycle.
Right there with you.
I know how that feels.
i wish all the people in the comment section could meet and become friends... it would be cool to hang with others who deal with this and create safe places with each other.
Agree.
The more you listen to other podcasts , the more you appreciate this man .
I grew up in a family with a lot of "secrets" and isolation. I feel like I'm always awkward in a way because I didn't really learn what normal or healthy social interactions looked and felt like at an early age. I tend to keep people at arms length and have a constant neutral outer facade, but deeper emotions inside. I'm much more likely to be surprised that someone can tell what I'm thinking and feeling with very little expression. . .
Not gonna lie, I'm a busy parent with limited resources and I've been using RUclips to better and heal myself.
Patrick is instrumental in this journey; he is the gift that keeps on giving.
I got both from my parents. The world is full of rainbows and unicorns and they gave me overwhelmingly good reactions, but then when I didn't measure up to their expectations, they said why can't you be more like us. So I think my wires are crossed. Anyway, it makes me very anxious and also very germaphobic.
Exteeme fear of being perceived. Used to drink heavily in early twenties to try and "be like other people." Then people told me i talked too much, was too weird, etc when i was being more myself openly unmasked. I stopped drinking and have been isolated at home since covid and became chronically ill right before that and i am fully unmasked around my husband and sober. But i still have so much fear of being around people in public and shame spirals of saying or doing something stupid.
Yeah but I think that may be something mostly ppl who are neurodivergent have. Not entirely sure it's trauma related per say.
@jclyntoledo I also have a lot of childhood trauma/boomer angry parents that wouldn't allow me to be me so that didn't help, but yes, I am also neurodivergent
@jclyntoledo I was told I was neurodivergent because of the overlap of these sort of behaviours/feelings but it never felt completely right - it was when I found Patrick's channel somehow that it all fell into place. I'm a screw up due to childhood trauma, not aspergers.
@@jclyntoledoa lot of neurodivergent kids develop cptsd. It’s often both,
I used this exact phrase earlier today while talking to a friend: “hatred of being perceived”. I know how to be silent and shy and quiet and boring at work or I can be more myself and honest and open and weird in the social situations I attempt. Either route seems to annoy someone.
I get this 100% and have struggled with it. Also… There are a lot of miserable people out there that are exhibiting judgmental and narcissistic behavior that is real and not imagined. I’m glad that I have some of the hyper vigilant radar and balance that with pausing and giving the person a chance to get to know them and see patterns overtime. I love that I know how to create boundaries now. Some thing I never even knew existed or that I was allowed to have. It’s still a challenge but after doing a lot of work- it does get better
Its so good to hear that you are managing your way through all of this! The boundaries are the best thing one can have. Be thankful for that radar and always trust it - mine was never wrong. Unfortunately, I have chosen to ignore them far too often in the past. Will not happen again.
as someone who's learning boundaries and the process of getting to know someone with an open heart and without projecting, this is so great to hear :)
and I'm proud of you!!! this is great
Well said.
I over-talk SO much because it feels like I just want to desperately be heard and seen. I feel so much shame afterwards because I also excessively explain all the details that didn't need to be explained and the person is just like "uh huh.. ok" 😅
omg i’m this exact way 😩
I've realized that often, when I tell stories, I'll go into too much detail about things that I don't need to go into so much detail about! I really try now to just tell the basics and leave out some of the details, because they're not necessary! And they're boring to people! Lol😂 (I put myself in the other person's shoes and imagine listening to the story -- "is this detail necessary?" Usually the answer is no.)
YAH sent me here. The tears won’t stop flowing. Thank you 🙏
Thank you for this video. Really thought-provoking. Another issue that comes up is under-sharing. by freezing or feeling that no one would really be interested in what you would have to say and therefore saying very little. I find that rather than talking, I ask questions of the other person - having them do all the talking. You leave a "conversation" with the other person doing all the chatting and you saying almost nothing. This awkwardness leaves you feeling rather invisible.
Yes! This is exactly what I do
Social anxiety is super bad for me because not only do I have childhood trauma, but I also have a physical disability (from birth) so in a sense I have a double whammy which supports my fears and seeing people as hating me even more.
I can relate to "assume they know" . I was not socialized, and raised around older people so I naturally have a "old soul". So being around my age who don't know certain songs, movies, sayings and thought process has made me feel so awkward🤦
I experienced a slight version of this from having been raised in a cult and all music is “bad” if it wasn't their music. So I am now trying to find what I like from different generations and genres in my late 40s
I was at a very posh function in Switzerland years ago, a wedding for a world famous singer. I was completely out of my depth and just trying to be friendly asked the woman sitting next to me what she did, she replied that she was a princess. And that was the end of the conversation, which was for the best 😅
😂🙌🏼
😂😂😂
Loll. I would have leaned it and asked for all the gory details, butlers and everything
When it's my turn to talk, a lot of the time, I end up tripping over my words and stuttering if the topic at hand is personal in nature. Could be as simple as telling someone my favorite color and why. I feel so... vulnerable in revealing things that are simple, everyday facts about myself. It's so so so embarrassing. Not to mention I think I will be talked over at any given second so I feel like I have to hurry, so my anxiety picks up, and my mouth cannot keep up with what I'm trying to say.
i feel exactly the same 🥹🥹
Shyt same
The shame just completely overwhelms me every time I try to talk with literally anyone. It’s unbearable and the reason I’m all alone. I have to beat this.
Omg the overtalking! There have been times when it's like I can't stop my mouth. I see the person's interest waning or I realize I overshared, and all I can do is talk faster to get the story done sooner. So embarrassing!
And I feel awful when people comment on it because my dad is even worse about it than me, so I know what the other side of it feels like.
All my life I’ve rushed what I’ve had to say or felt I had to condense things to make my point before people would lose interest or cut me off. It creates so much anxiety.
Now I’m trying to start a new career and my hyper vigilance gets the best of me when I’m trying to critically think. If I sense the person is getting impatient it causes me to lose focus and miss important details. I have great bedside manners bc I’m heavily relying on hoping to be liked and accepted but I’m bracing with discomfort the whole time.
When I tune into my inner child, she just wants to feel important, valued and worthy of space and time. Something I didn’t get as a lost child in a dysfunctional family.
Your comment is an exact reflection of me! I could have written that.
I very much relate to this.
I can also relate to being cut off, talked over and just outright, ignored when talking or asking someone questions.
I’ve come to the conclusion that most people are just more interested in talking to hear themselves talk, to sound intelligent or interesting, etc. and this could be from some deep, rooted trauma that they don’t even know they have. Like they have to prove themselves or something.
Being aware of my trauma, and actively working on, it has allowed me to let these people talk. I don’t wanna waste my breath or attention on someone who has zero interest anyway.
"Spooking myself" by blurting out is such a real phenomenon, I'm glad I'm not the only one who experiences that
I had been assuming I was like this due to my ADHD, but now I'm realizing it may be my childhood trauma. This is really helpful!
Why not both?
I love being around people. But I struggle with this constantly. It’s emotionally exhausting. I have to remind myself that no one is scrutinizing me this much. In fact, people are very loving and affirming towards me, but I still wrestle with how I was perceived.
It hurts so much to even listen to the first two minutes. Now I am much better but the whole period of school + university were all about being social inadequate 😢
My childhood trauma gave me a long history of worrying that people won't like me or that I annoy them. I'm better about it now, though not completely free. The stuff at the beginning of the video about this expectation, how it can become a fulfilling prophecy, and how to handle all of it was SO helpful. Thanks!
YES!! I've honestly been waiting for something like this!! I feel like my social anxiety has gotten significantly better over the years, but I still have so much to improve on
I am in the same boat!
I do some of these things with people I have known for years (as well as strangers) and always feel so crap afterwards. Afterwards, I am always like, "Why on *earth* did I say that?" And you are spot on, I know that it's because I want to appear normal, I feel anxiety and shame, and my boundaries dissolve and I feel like an impostor and it escapes me in that moment that I have a choice. I also worry with certain people, that saying very little (which I would prefer, as they are not safe) is not an option in case I appear cold. Which seems daft because if they are not a safe person, why do I care? So much work to do! But I really appreciate this video.
I use what I call the “Interview Technique” in new social situations as I really am not good at (and don’t understand the function of) small talk. I often choose 3 questions in advance. For example, at choir rehearsal, I’ll ask, how long have you been in the choir? how are you enjoying the music? do you live here in town? Works really well! 16:58
I’m so glad I found this channel. I wasn’t abused as a child in the ways people often think about.. I was basically ignored/invisible. Wasn’t wanted, wasn’t valued, had no guidance for how to live and be a successful, well adjusted adult.. but much of this series of videos definitely still applies. Thank you for sharing these insights in your videos! ❤
Yes my family was indifferent or hostile - a lot though was passive indifference to me being around. I didn’t realize it was wounding to me. It absolutely can be. It’s a subtle trauma.
@@chelseamiracle128 💜💜💜
I was having an evaluation with my much younger boss a few years ago. I said, "I grew up in the same town as Kurt Cobain, but" and I intended to say that I was much older than he was but instead I said, "I didn't kill myself."
❤
you can't just stop right when it becomes interesting
what happened then?
❤
well, I’d find it morbid, but funny!
@@platzpropeller858. He just said, “Yeah, you are sitting here talking to me so you didn’t kill yourself, obviously.”
I talk talk talk out of my nervousness, something I've been working on, and due to a childhood full of trying to be good and not get in trouble, and my natural personality (I do wonder if I'm a little divergent as sometimes I get literal), I find I fail in conversations when people are getting to know me, because I sort of go on autopilot answering questions, and it's like I forget it's a conversation and instead it's just 'prompt->response->repeat'. It's almost like I depart for a different plane and my body is left 'following the rules / filling in the form' by answering questions. I'm also a very honest person and desperately want human connection so oversharing is also an issue, although I'm also working on that.
But noticing awkwardness in other people purposefully has really helped me deal with the shame spiral, which has helped me be more social. When I'm shopping I take notice when people stuff up in conversation, when they say awkward things, when grown adults lose all sensibility and say the wildest stuff. It has helped me not internally freak out and want to run when I do something awkward. Because I can step back and say 'that was a bit awkward. But I've seen this hundreds of times from everyone, and also a hundred times worse, so it's no big deal'. And it really isn't. Honestly, the things I used to mull over and fret about are totally forgotten by other people because they just weren't big deals *at all*. It's been very freeing.
I recently got into voice chat on a discord hobby group I've joined, first time in a long time actually socialising outside of a transactional setting, and with multiple people at once. And I did overtalk, and I was probably a little more enthusiastic than I should've been. But nobody shunned me, and the next time I was better. And I didn't ruminate on it too much, either. I just said 'welp, here are the things you didn't like about it, remember not to do it next time, and be a bit more chill' and it worked.
Can I just say thank you for sharing your process for overcoming overtalking and awkwardness?
I literally felt this recently at a small shop I go to about every other month and I sadly ruminated over how awkward the interaction was and how embarrassed I felt all night. I literally gave myself insomnia. But reading your post made me realize the owner has probably seen much worse or more awkward behavior and I should give myself some grace and let it go.
Also, to look at things as a learning experience and how to do better next time!
Thank you, Patrick! This is an incredibly helpful topic. This problem runs my existence. I don't necessarily expect big energy from people, but I always hope that they'll show interest in me by listening to what I say and asking an open-ended question or two (and then listening to the answer to that). I'm good at giving that kind of listening to other people, and I feel like I hardly ever get it back. I usually end up feeling like I'm the most boring person in the room. It never occurred to me that the (many) people who talk "at" me for long periods of time may be doing it because of their own childhood trauma.
Your last sentence is a great point! Never thought about this but it makes a lot of sense ...
I am frustrated with this cycle as well- I'll catch myself in over-talk mode and then over-correct into some kind of interviewer. It's not really "attentive listening" as much as it's "fawning" and usually that's a good indicator I need to minimize interaction with that person.
Sometimes I feel like my pets hate me too. It’s crazy how far this extends.
I got the dog because I love dogs and got a cat through the kitten distribution system lol. I’ve never had a cat before, it’s strange that the only one with healthy boundaries in our house is the cat. I want to pet her and stuff but she’s like no. I’m like my dog (who loves everyone) but need to be more like my cat.
1. You never miss.
2. The quality of your audio is so delicious 11/10.
I do the overtalking and feel so stupid afterwards oh my god. I think it is because I want to make sure I am understood because I've been gaslit so much
First overtalking and then overthinking... I sure do that
Oh that makes sense to me!
Yes!
I don’t think you realize how much this has saved me from self sabotaging. I’ve taken up intensive DBT in the past and I couldn’t help but feel like I relapse sometimes.
Thank you for this video. From the bottom of my heart, you are supporting so many, I’m sure, that have been dealing with this for years. You have articulated the most difficult aspect of my current life- there’s a DBT I’ve always lived by “if you can name it, you can tame it”
Everything you have said in this video is me. I am 56 and grew up in a home where my dad was an alcoholic and my mom was a co-dependent, and my sister was a crackhead and my other sister was mentally disaband. I've realised how much it has affected my life. It is the reason why I have never had a successful relationship. And it is the reason why I function better when i'm by myself because I get so awkward around people. Thank you for your videos.They are very helpful
It seems like you're a particularly unique voice in this space. You focus in on specific topics in an applied way that I find really illuminating. I think it's something about how you connect specific symptoms and thoughts to childhood trauma in a way that feels different to other creators.
As someone who is neurodivergent (which is where my childhood trauma comes from - non ND folx may have been just fine in my child shoes 👟) this content REALLLLYYYYYYYYY fits 🫰🫰🫰
Every segment of this video is relatable. This is the 'bullseye' description of the ongoing pain I have struggled with for so many decades. What a relief to hear it described so clearly, comprehensively, and compassionately. I am 61 and grateful to be finally healing. This video has contributed to that healing. Thank you so much, Patrick Teahan!!
I'm 53...I am a childhood trauma "survivor"....my WHOLE life I've known im different...it wasnt until my diagnosis of ptsd and the subsequent work i have to do, it's affects f this are so insidious/systemic and widespread, that the sheare amount of work that needs to be done is daunting as if life werent hard enough already....god speed everyone...and Patrick thank youfor your sage insight
I'm currently receiving trauma therapy for stuff that happened to me as a kid. A lot of this video made sense with my over sharing, social awkward, over reading and I do over talk when highly anxious to try and justify myself. My therapists went through some of this with me last week, trying to work on boundaries and body language. I had no idea how the abuse really screwed me up and made my life hell. Your videos are amazing and eye opening and thank you so much for making them.
It's good to know how we react in social situations. I think sometimes we're way too hard on ourselves because we were brought up with the bar set WAY too high for our stages of childhood. I find crowds, loud noises, and violent "entertainment" (movies/videos/games) overstimulate me, so I avoid. Also, any amount of alcohol or too much caffeine is no bueno for my rationality and sense of calm.
For me, hating myself and assuming everyone hates me has gone hand in hand.
I think I use to overshare because i didnt want to be misunderstood and then have assumptions of who i was - used against me.
I also think a lot of it was hoping someone- anyone, would understand me. Even at all... I realize now I had hoped I'd find someone further along on their healing journey so they could hold a mirror to me and reveal the places i was stuck.😅😔
This guy is such a blessing. I've been in and out of therapy, institutions, etc.. and he's explaining specifics that I thought was absolutely specific to my malady. Thank you so much!!! ❤️
I overtalk because I wasn't listened to as a kid. Get it all out now because they won't be interested later.
I’ve just come to the realization that people really aren’t interested in listening. They’re more interested in talking. And it’s about 90% true.
Occasionally, you will find someone who is interested in listening to you and your story. Those folks will ask questions that show genuine interest.
@@mizelle4096or they just have the same trauma 😂
I needed this. Both Parents found a way to shape shift into people who have no children and treat us as acquaintances. I am in therapy. I no longer want to be mad about anymore. #R76
When I first got a job I felt like all my coworkers hated me and wanted me to leave 😂
That's not true I'm seeing now... Not perfect at it but it is better
I would love to see a video on how not to overshare on a first date! Definitely need that one!
Needed this video so much this morning. I just learned that some friends wouldn't be attending my 50th anniversary party in the evening (a group of 16 or so people, of which only 3-4 persons they know) because "they didn't sleep well and were tired". It immediately triggered all my insecurities. Your video helped put things in perspective.
This is extremely helpful. What I do suffer also is repeating myself and this seems really subconscious and feels really unnecessary. Like I have this belief that people didn’t get it the first time. Or making sure they know what I feel and think and wanting them to believe the same things as I do. So thanks. Your prompts really made me think and I will start journaling more of this and follow your tips in conversations.
You also made me understand why I want to have better control of all you mentioned. You hit the nail on the head when you said we survivors tend to be in deep shame as an after effect. For so long I have tried to balance between being okay and accepting of our awkward selves and being ashamed of our awkward selves. You also made me realise how much kindness we need, and perhaps even extending that kindness to others who are over sharing with us too.
“You hate me” wow. Thats so powerful. I always walk around with this feeling, this is exactly what I do everything to avoid subconsciously. I work somewhere as a man and I am the only man who works there. I always feel like everyone hates me, I am overly nice and try to people please in every aspect of my life even though it doesn’t feel genuine. I just do automatically, even when I try to act differently it feels literally like I have to put every fiber of my being into acting differently even when it is how I actually want to act. I don’t know if that makes sense, but i hate it, and it makes me hate myself because I feel like I can’t change this aspect of myself. What really hurts me is that it feels like that’s just who I am and I have to just deal with it. But I do it because I have this deep feeling I am trying to not feel which is “you hate me” that has been something I can never bare or deal with because I was neglected as a child and took on a parent role emotionally and was bullied so badly by an older sibling. Is there hope? 😣
Waiting for this one like a fan girl waiting to book concert tickets!! 😍
THIS is soooo something I struggle with - the mind reading, the "thinking everyone thinks what I'm thinking, assuming they process/interpret the same way I do" - the "interpreting their reaction or NON reaction to mean they hate me or think I'm foolish... or the "thinking they remember or are JUDGING me for issues I'm imagining." So it's good - in my case - to learn to assume it has nothing to do with me, it's probably okay, and there's probably NOT a big issue. I think a lot of the time, people are pretty cool with me actually but I sorta take their absence or silence very hard, ya know, I maybe think they don't like me, I think "if I were them, I'd reach out! What the heck!" - that's hard. I DO feel very ignored and neglected, because often I AM! I am very lonely. It's so frustrating. I feel so often I could be shooting myself in the foot with people who are good people who like me, because I just ASSUME they don't, or assume they're obsessing about my "flaws" the way I am... It's frustrating to be stuck with so much alone time with this sort of brain but this video was helpful. I need help to snap out of that, because that inner child is such an asset and so much of what makes me magic, but also he's also often running things as far as how I relate to the world, or what I assume of people when I am not directly interacting with them. I wish I did feel more seen, I wish I could trust that people like me.
You are not alone; I feel the same.
😊 it can be helpful in these situations to look at your own thoughts objectively like “oh there is that thought again about someone not liking me”. We are merely the thinker of that thought. We can take some distance from it. It’s a pattern we keep repeating. We can disrupt it by noticing it in that manner, then intentionally choosing to simply redirect our attention elsewhere, or to reframe it: “I’m not for everyone and that’s also ok, I like me”.
You sound likable to me 😎👍🏽
Cultivating compassion for self and others helps me for past 25 years alleviate the self-consciousness. I think I'm good at regularly putting things in perspective for myself for various things, including the fact that I could cease to be and have spent so much time worrying about other people's opinions of me rather than living authentically.
This is so, SO helpful. I've always felt so socially awkward bc of my deep, complex trauma...for me, this also directly relates to feeling like an alien. Thank you so much for what you do! This is more helpful than I have words for...and I was an English major. Bless you, Patrick!
Aliens unite! 🤜🏼🤛🏼
My biggest struggle is that I automatically assume people don’t want me, and that I’ll be the outcast in any group because “something is wrong with that one.”
Mr. Teahan your videos were what finally convinced me to take the leap of faith on dealing with my past and they continue to help me as a supplement to therapy. You are truly a life saver in the most literal sense.
As someone who spent a large chunk of my childhood and early teens imitating Ace Ventura, and most of my lifetime being called weird by my friends; I'm looking forward to this😂
If I could stop being a clown to mask my anxiety that'd be great🙏🤡
Lol this is me 💯😂 Nice to meet you, let’s figure this out!!
Lol!
Lol. I can relate. I often go into “entertainer mode.” Some of them seem to enjoy it but I also think it keeps me from getting what I need out of it Bcuz I’m “serving” or “doing a job.” Idk. Maybe for me it’s this idea that I need to be useful and have to sort of “earn my keep” to be worthy enough. Not even sure why yet but I often feel compelled to try and amuse people.
Gosh I definitely have this streak of being an entertainer to mask social anxiety
This hits home in so many ways. I actually watched this while attempting to navigate dating after divorce… So I am also hoping and waiting for the “what not to overshare on a date” video 😂
As always, thank you for saying these things in such a kind and honest way ❤
Of course the first negative thought I have this morning is “The new person hates me.” I did take time to ask myself why and that alone helped me realize this person may not like Mondays either, or had a rough morning or has deadlines. I agree that I was always gaging receptiveness of both parents (one who overreacts and one brooding and deep in thought). That feels like a tough one to work through but a good reality check too.
If I'm at an event and don't know anyone... I just leave. Was heavily bullied and rejected growing up... Still always odd person out in social situations
Rarely discussed topic and seriously a chronic issue for ADHD women. Thank you!!!
The mindfulness is super helpful to avoid becoming a total mess in public and then retreat to your home for weeks, too affraid and too embarrased. Decompress from social situations as needed, before needed.
The point that people can’t read your mind-I felt that so deep. I always felt that my shame was leaking out my ears. My mother encouraged the opposite of boundaries, and made me feel guilty for wanting any amount of separation or autonomy, so I also feel like I should be telling people everything that’s running through my head wether it’s appropriate or not. I rarely overshare, but that tension is always there, like I’m harming people by holding something back for myself.
Thank you, Patrick! I do ALL these things. I've gotten better after much therapy and self-examination, as well as finding good friends. But I still do these behaviors at times. I love your attitude of being gentle with oneself.
One thing I did just recently was overshare with strangers about a movie that I loved. I think it's because I wasn't allowed to have such enthusiastic responses as a child -- my enthusiasms were kind of "tamped down" in childhood, or not really appreciated. So I feel this need (which I think you get to really well in this video) to try to almost "force" people I hardly know to appreciate my enthusiasms, to kind of validate them. Writing it out like this, I realize that my interests and enthusiasms are inherently valid -- the sadness from childhood is still there -- but I don't need others to RE-validate me so much anymore.
Thanks again.
thank you so much for acknowledging neurodivergent differences in this ❤ ❤❤
i feel like there is a huge overlap in this specific topic, especially with high masking late diagnosed folks, that would be highly beneficial for both neurotypical and neurodivergent people to explore... autistics in particular, but i think all neurodivergent children suffer from being different and rejected a lot, many experiencing abuse in their own families too (often stemming from internalised ableism of neurodivergent parents). so the number of people who struggle with social awkwardness and childhood trauma because of unrecognised neurodivergence is likely to be very high.
maybe you could do a collaboration with some youtubers in that space? my favourite is meg from 'i'm autistic, now what' as she is a long time youtuber and seems very interested in filling that gap of understanding between neurotypes in a very respectful and mutually supportive way ❤
like some interesting questions around this could be 'what is the difference between hypervigilance and hyper-empathy?' (many high-masking autistics go unrecognised because of hyper-empathy), 'what is the difference between overtalking/oversharing and info-dumping?' and 'what is the difference between inertia and shyness?'. just as like some conversation starters, not saying these things are all relevant or connected 😅
for me personally, the most overlap and the one thing i struggle with most persistantly is questions. a) when and how to ask them and which ones to ask - i have overcome the stage of not being able to think of any, with a lot of practise, but am still quite insecure about not prying, which was also the reason behind not being able to think of any questions in the first place: like with eye contact and touching, asking questions feels intrusive by default - and b) how to answer questions appropriately, as in determining how much interest there is in a serious and/or honest answer and how to not overshare/set boundaries when the question is inappropriate and/or it's the other person that is nosy and prying. and also how to deal with other people's oversharing, especially when they talk about things that trigger me.
anyways, i would obviously love any more content around socialising so fingers crossed 😁 thank you for this one too/again, it was definitely much more applicable to my neurodivergent problems than i thought it would be 🎉
Thank you for this video, Patrick! I will have to implement some of the journaling around this topic. I was a more shy and sensitive child with narcissistic parents and loud/overbearing personalities in my family. I tend to not feel seen or heard, and definitely am hypervigilant about how people are responding to me in conversation, always noticing what seem to me like negative reactions to me and it leads to shame and continued feelings of awkwardness, and makes me want to bolt. I'm at a place where i want to show up more to conversations but it also feels scary to be seen and I experience flushing and elevated HR because it feels dangerous to have eyes on me for too long. Ironic and weird to want to be seen, but feel unsafe being too seen. I can stumble over my words or lose my train of thought. And then i feel more shame for my body's response of feeling unsafe. I thankfully have a husband that I feel safe with and have been able to do a lot of healing due to that, but its even difficult to try to figure the conversation dynamic with my inlaws, even after years of being married. They tend to dominate conversation and not ask many questions, leading to more of that feeling unseen and unheard, which triggers my inner child. I don't think they mean to, but i think its due to their own trama and awkwardness as humans. It can be hard to navigate, and tends to end in me feeling unseen and disappointed.
I see you, friend.
I don't have social anxiety, usually, but I do frequently go through what I call "hindsight anxiety", which is exactly what you describe in this video as the shame and bad feelings that come up judging oneself after social interactions in which one was dissociating and/or talking too much or even overshared vulnerabilities.
E.g. I participated in a "getting to know each other" group at a conference, and it was moderated really poorly, so the next person was always sharing more (personal stories) that the previous. I tried so hard not to do that.. but then a person came out to all of us strangers (in this social, but work related setting), and everybody was quiet after their story.. the situation felt so uncomfortable that I felt a strong urge to end the quiet and started to talk after all, and even though I started with telling them that I was worried about the questions we were answering because I struggled with oversharing, I wasn't able to keep my story brief and over talked to an extend that the moderator ended up interrupting me. I felt so ashamed and exposed. It was a really horrible situation and probably the worst "hindsight anxiety" I have experienced so far.
“Exposed”. Yes. That def comes from my childhood trauma. I deeply feel your pain
Awful, although that is 100% on the people running the conference. They should know better
No doubt this says more about my distorted thinking than about Patrick's message -- my takeaway was that the solution is to journal, and to keep quiet in social situations. Ouch.
@patrickteahanofficial I want to say thank you so much for what you’re doing here on RUclips. Offering these videos for free really is a massive public service. I’m in therapy but it can be a slow process at times. Your content allows me to find exactly what I’m struggling with and learn more about it.
Personally I have a lot of trouble being articulate about my emotions and my childhood experiences. Your ability to be clear & concise (and friendly!) is VERY helpful for me.
I'm an extrovert. never met a stranger i couldn't talk to. Now i don't want to talk to any of them.