I just realized the way we sometimes expect people to read our minds because our parents didn’t attune to us appropriately, our parents expected US to read their minds and attune to them - probably due to their own traumas. Thank you so much for this video! I’m glad we all have a chance to break the cycle. 🙂
I remember I used to get punished for “talking back” when I would try to explain myself or answer a question and now I have a really hard time engaging conversation with anyone, I’m 20 and still can’t hold a conversation, I get so nervous worrying about if I’ll say something stupid or something that’s rude and offensive so I just don’t talk most of the time.
I hear you. Oh, how we all just don't know that which another is suffering as we stand before each other. May you find the skills to be your best self. 💞
I'm 53 and I still get scared of getting in trouble when speaking to my parents. I'm not allowed to have my own opinions, viewpoints, mind. My family is VERY freaking dysfunctional.
@@audreychristine58 it's when we're older, me 74, and realize we're still internalizing the way we were treated at 10, 11, .... 18. But even finally getting away from it, it still is there.
“We were greatly misunderstood growing up…our parents didn’t see us as children. Toxic parents usually see their kids as selfish adults who are making choices at their expense.” I had to pause at this part. Just take it in. Rewind and listen to it again and again. It hurts so much to acknowledge it but I’m so glad to have words for it now!
With the gradual using of dr Oyalo herbal recommendation for autism, whom I met on RUclips, my son is totally free from Autism with his speech cleared and behavior ok as he can now respond to name, orders and act right. Thank you doc Oyalo for your help. I am Greatful 🙏
THIS !! My mom recently mentioned when I got my hair cut when I was a teen... She thought I was parading around, kept walking by her to "show off." I told her that I actually was very self-conscious/embarrassed of it, hated it and probably wanted to talk about it... this conversation 40 yrs l8tr. 😢
Same. I always thought of it as they see us as objects. Toys to fullfill a fantasy of a family until then we dont fit that narative anymore (due to being humans just like them with our own innate interests, perspectives, and methodolgy) and then its just conflict from then on out due to us never being 'perfect' again in their eyes.
I always find it weird when a kid is way too mature for their age. People usually see it as a gift, but I know from personal experience there's usually something else behind it. Kids should act like kids, and if they're acting all cold and taking decisions it probably because there's a situation at home that's forcing them to grow up fast. And that's never good for nobody. Edit: Reading everyone's stories has been so validating. To everyone who is sharing or will share, thank you so much ❣️
Them, thinking they’re giving you a compliment: «oh, you’re so mature for your age». Every single one of us that grew up in some form of abuse: «Thanks, it’s the trauma». I used to take it as a compliment too, until I saw someone connect the dots between said «maturity» and childhood trauma, while opening my eyes to the fact that it isn’t even close to what’s supposed to be normal.
Mature kids, I know I was one and my bf was one, are almost always an indicator of either neglect or childhood trauma. It's such a shame that this is seen as a positive thing. As if the very concept of children being children is irksome... we really haven't evolved that far past from "children are to be seen and not heard" mentality 😢
So much yes to this. And now in my mid twenties, I'm being told i act like a 17 year old. And you know what? That's because i'm finally free from the shackles of self-doubt, manipulation, control, and maturing too young. I get to be wacky n weird and loud and not have anyone ruin my day ^~^
I was forced to do almost everything for my parents. Calling the bank, insurance stuff and so on, thus I was very mature at a very young age. Everyone told me how intelligent and gifted I was but I hated having to call the insurance for my parents at the age of 11. It shows until today, I'm overly mature. I never fit right in because I never acted my age and I was very good friends with some of my friends moms.
My favorite method of coaching my inner child is saying "hey kiddo, that was a survival tactic- we are not in survival mode anymore." Its almost instantly calming.
@@biancasadventure it really does help. Its oddly grounding and in a weird way uplifting. Knowing you aren't just surviving your life anymore and reinforcing that feels good.
I learned to call my inner child "BEBE, how are you feeling today?" It felt so right! I have needed to feel loved and wanted for so long. I love that you call yours KIDDO.
Noted. I’ll have to try this especially since it took me years to realize I’ve been in flight or fight mode or autopilot. I’m going to be on my own for the first time so I’m looking forward to finally being able to recover.
@@lanamclagen7017 mee too dude on the high way I can’t even look at the person on the next lane. There’s something inside me like a feeling of I’m going to faint or blackout if I look at this person on the next lane.
Being laughed at while I'm crying absolutely sends me over the edge. It hasn't happened in a long time but I remember it so vividly and I'm so scared to cry in front of my family now.
When I was 5 years old I fell off the monkey bars and hurt my head. I was playing in the playground in the center of an apartment complex and I had to walk past 2 ladies to go up to our apartment. Would you believe I just stood there and yelled for my dad. I didn't want to walk by those 2 ladies cause I didn't want them to see me crying. At 5 years old I already knew you don't cry in front of anyone. Me, a little 5 year old kid.
Yes. I remember when my parents video recorded my melt down and laughed in my face. When all I needed was a hug, my pain and confusion were entertainment to them.
I understand Erica, this is how I was the first 35 years of my life. Sadly, I taught my children crying in front of anyone was dangerous and weak. I was so badly mistaken. On another night of sleep eluding me, in the lonely darkness, I came to a realization that pivoted my belief on this. That realization was that tears are not a sign of weakness, but a sign of an enormous heart which we all know requires incredible strength. Tears are the physical manifestation of overwhelming grief and love. My thoughts are with you today.
i personally feel so… weird when people talk to me about their childhood and it’s not ragged, fuzzy and torn it’s just happy and colorful, and they actually remember things properly
@@belle3055 even tho I've definitely had a bad childhood just looking at how my parents treat my younger sibling. but my brain just keeps hiding it and making me forget about it, it's probably out of fear i would remember it again or relive it again. Proof is probably when i watch videos like "10 signs you have toxic parents" even tho i don't remember most of those bad memories, i still tear up.
Yeah same for me. I'm 15 and my mature looking body ALONG with mature conduct gets people assuming I'm up to 6 years older. At this point I can barely socialize with girls my age... Because they are too immature.
@@calamitychaela1994 making friends at that age was difficult for me too I had too many responsibilities thanks to the way I grew up and many things to think even though I shouldn't be thinking about them at that age. Remember that you deserve to enjoy your teenage years ,be carefree, and make mistakes. Make a LOT of mistakes and never take them back, be true to your feelings and remember that one day you'll forgive that narcissistic parent because one day you'll realize that they too didn't know any better, and you'll walk away of that unfairness with your head held high and your heart clean. I wish you peace and light.
Saaame. But I definitely looked really young. I was very much trying my best to be like all my friends. But I was such an angry mopy,introverted, quite. girl and no one understood why. I was 8
Tbh I prefer talking to people older than me.. Im only 16 and my friends act pretty immature even tho they arent kids anymore. Id rather talk to my friends who are on their 20s cause we have a lot more in common. (Im not saying anybody should never act childish, just saying that it has to be to a point where it doesnt bother anyone)
I was always told that too, and people frequently complimented my mother (right in front of me) on my good and responsible behavior. They didn't know she was an alcoholic who left for the bar the minute I got home from school (or sooner) and didn't return until at least 2am, sometimes was still gone when I got up the next morning. My older brother lived there too, but he is severely intellectually disabled, cannot make his own meals, etc. I HAD TO BE responsible.
watching my parents be loving christians around the church and then rage and abuse us at home really messed with my ability to believe anyone’s kindness for a while.
Jesus calls that hypocrisy. Sadly even believers aren’t exempt though they should know better just by reading examples of it and its effects in the Bible
My mother was a born again Christian too and would send us to church after laying beside her husband abuse us all night amd would call is where's and beat us. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when they meet their maker amd see what he really thinks of the behaviours
I am so sorry you experienced that. There are a lot in the church that are only following religion and not developing a deeper relationship with GOD (which brings about true change and Christlikeness). I pray for your total healing and wholeness.🤗💖
youre doing a wonderful job my darling, i hope your proud of yourself (cos i am) for valuing your own wellness and better yourself piece by piece 💚📚🎈 youre cool as hell.
My poor mom had the most horrible time growing up, and I understand why she doesn't feel like she can safely ask for help with anything, but *oh boy* yeah. The worst part is that she's actively undermining anyone who is willing to help out, since she 1. feels safest with the familiar -- doing everything herself -- and then compulsively burns herself out on routine household tasks in order to avoid her more complicated adult responsibilities (like delegating tasks), and 2. will automatically overrely on anyone who does try to help out, inevitably burning them out, too.
My mum doesn’t want to do anything for her self. She never has really. She doesn’t want to take any responsibility. Perhaps she can’t because others have always done it for her. It is also very rare that she would straight out ask for help. And yes, there are some things she physically can’t do or doesn’t know how, just like anyone. She will just phrase it in a passive aggressive way that has to be decoded. It’s just my brother & I & we are thought of pretty much like slaves. She has a lot of help from those outside the family because she is a certain age on her own but constantly complains that she doesn’t have any help & “no one”. Any task my brother & I do is micromanaged & completely draining. I have had to give up helping around the house because of this. She would love nothing more than a bunch of people constantly buzzing around her & seeing to her needs. It would be better if it was strangers actually, people she had no emotional connection to she wouldn’t have any kind of bias & her ego boosted.
@Ana Banana Just being aware of the pattern is a huge step in overcoming it. Also, if it helps, for myself I try to focus on how frustrating and unfair it is when someone expects me to read their mind; I find that really helps me to feel more comfortable with expressing myself and what I need.
Kids don't choose to have their parents, parents choose to have kids. If there were one message I wished everyone considered before becoming parents, it's that one.
Agree totally!! Way too many breeders having kids just bc society says you should. My childhood was incredibly painful and haunting me still at 51 years old. I decided as a child that I did not ever want to be a parent as parents were the enemy! I am very happy to be childfree.
Sounds like you're telling women to have abortions.. No one chooses trauma and every parent does the best they can with what they have but yes, there are unfortunate events that parents ~can~ create but we are all people..
@Mylfy Gamer i don’t think that’s the point they’re making at all. the point is that no child asks to be born but many children are treated as inconveniences by their parents. some parents make it seem like giving basic needs to their child gives them the right to do or say whatever they want to them. you didn’t choose to have your children but you did choose to keep them, so just treat them well.
I tend to find myself always explaining my whole situation if I feel like someone is mad at me. Even at little things. Like, “well, I was at the park because I wanted to be outside, and then I found the stick because I accidentally tripped over it (not because I tied my shoes wrong, because the pavement was uneven), and then I came here ... “ blah blah blah. Like, always feel like I can’t just be, I have to say everything so they understand and aren’t upset lol
ohh yeah, whenever I do like. Literally anything, I'll start coming up with an explanation and ironing it out ahead of time just in case, it's exhausting
Oh yeah same. Never knew what my parents wanted to know of me, never specific, more question meant more yelling, so it means I have to say -everything-. This ended up in me unable to properly explaining myself to people. Currently trying to relearn
Omg same... I apologize for literally anything and everything. Even things that doesn't even have anything to to with me. People tell me all the time that I should stop apologizing
I think it also needs to be said that it’s not necessarily a parent that caused you to feel this way. Siblings, or other family members can cause these traumas, too.
@@tylerelizabethcrosby5241 Often, yes. Always, definitely not. Some learn it/develop it from outside the home, from extended family, from inherited mental health issues, from substance use issues, from birth parent (adopted children, for instance), etc. There are a plethora of children that are raised by the most amazing parents that do everything right, but have one or more children that have very toxic behaviors that cannot be changed, even with the most thoughtful interventions. Unfortunately, not all children can be helped.
And then sometimes they actually do get angry at you because they say that you are so self-involved that you can't just let them be angry about what they're angry about. Ugh re-living the trauma in new relationships is so hard until you know what's happening and why.
I remember asking my Mom if she was mad at me all the time. Being the youngest of 6 kids, I was thirsty for some type of attention. Then if I got in a fight with my brother, I would get beat, so it's no wonder.
I love how number 3 is being sold to us as being “an empath” or “hyper sensitive person”, when most of the time it’s just people with childhood trauma being used to “reading” a room or person, in order to asses if there’s any danger. 😅
True, but in the process, you start to see people as yourself. You become sensitive toward peoples feelings, to the point of actually feeling their feelings. I'm actually a major empath, whenever I see someone hurt or crying, I automatically cry too, because I really can't help it. I take on people's pain and feelings, which can be emotionally exhausting.
Something that I struggle with a lot is that I've never really viewed my parents as abusive or neglectful and yet I'm seeing all these videos pointing out triggers that I identify with and explaining that they come from a background of childhood trauma. I've recently come to realize that my parents were emotionally unavailable and because of their own trauma, kind of passed it down to my siblings and I, but I wouldn't go so far as to call them abusive? It makes it a lot harder to deal with my trauma because there's always that part of myself in the back of my mind saying that I'm being dramatic or my trauma isn't real because my parents were never drunk or hitting me or obviously harmful.
I get this. It's been weird and uncomfortable and also sort of relieving/validating/cathartic in some ways learning to accept that, "Yes, my parents did the best they knew how to do, and it was actually a pretty amazing job knowing more of how hard it was, *and* they still messed up, it still had a negative impact on me, and it's okay for me to feel upset about that."
never agreed with something so much. had a hard time up until this video even considering i had childhood trauma because in the back of my mind i think i’m being dramatic :/
For me, there's also an overwhelming feeling of shame - I'm ashamed that, although I wasn't openly abused or neglected, my parents did the best they could and they loved me unconditionally, I turned out more traumatized, less life-skilled, more avoidant, more resentful towards them than most people who survived actual trauma like alcoholism, physical violence or sexual abuse.
Every single day I ask myself, why am I like this? Why can’t I just be normal and not let little things bother me? This is the first time someone has ever explained to me why I react so sensitively to things especially other people. Someone can have a slight tone change and it feels like the end of the world sometimes. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this. You have no idea how thankful I am for this. I’ve finally identified the problem and can move to the next step of healing and deep diving into my childhood.
With the gradual using of dr Oyalo herbal recommendation for autism, whom I met on RUclips, my son is totally free from Autism with his speech cleared and behavior ok as he can now respond to name, orders and act right. Thank you doc Oyalo for your help. I am Greatful 🙏
I am totally the same way, or was the same way. You are healed I am getting there. I am SOOOOOOOOOO thankful for your comment because I am literally going through the same thing. Thanks for the reminder that this is possible to heal! Much love to you on your journey❤
I freakin bawled so hard at this part of the video. It was like someone finally understood me as that child and what I went thru. I can't even type this without crying. I feel so bad for lil Leslie (that's the name I chose for my inner child) I feel guilty as an adult that I couldn't leaen to self soothe. Gosh, I need to go back to therapy... Sadface. But thank you for your comment, really really resonates with me. Lots of love to you 💜💜💜
As a child I never felt like a real person, we find ways to survive our difunctional up bringing its how we become functional adults but this kind of information is truly awakening and helpful.
Oh my God, my mom had a way of expecting me to do things correctly even though she wouldn't properly explain them first. She got that from her own mother. It lead to me not asking for help or explanations anywhere because I have this feeling like I should know it already
Yep! Spot on same here. My mum use to make me go in and groceri shop for the family. Then get livid when I'd get the wrong product or wrong cut of meat. It was hell
I feel like this about almost every boss I’ve ever had! Like, are the details a big secret? Do you think I’m psychic? The only one who was descriptive, supportive, and thoughtful taught me things I still use, 20 yrs later.He became my mentor, and I miss him so. But never connected that with my upbringing. Hmmm
I am having the same feeling... When I was a grade 6 student my mother expect me to do housechores but when I told her I can't do it because she doesn't teach me how to do it she got mad as if I am a living fool to not know what to do with it. She even said to me that I should know because I can see how she does it, she brags about her learning it that way when she was just a child, she expects me to do the same. And I AM ALWAYS TELLING HER THAT WE ARE NOT THE SAME.
People use to praise me for being so quiet and secluded, "mature" and not asking for anything as a child. Now that I have children I never get mad at them for being CHILDREN, they're everything I'm not. That I wish I had. EDIT: SINCE PEOPLE CAN'T COMPREHEND WHAT IM SAYING, "mature" as in worrying if we were going to have money to pay the bills or buy food. Not wanting to ask for help in anything because I felt like a burden. Didn't ask to go on field trips or new clothes so I wouldn't have to need money. Playing with toys didn't bring me joy. Not playing with other kids cause it felt pointless. Singing or being silly turned into snapping at me or yelling or shaming me for wanting to be a kid. Being on survival mode is NOT living and it's very hard to not teach my kids how to only survive but to also live. I didn't realize till after my first child that what I thought was normal is NOT.
I'm sure you're doing amazingly just be careful with taking it to the extreme. My mother did that with and I'm trying to find a balance in my parenting
My God. What a blessing you are. 23 minutes you have been a presence in my life of 47 years and you have taught me so much and explained a life of misery I could not articulate! My inner child needed this. My adult brain absorbed this. My soul is not as crushed as it was less than and hour ago. Thank you.
After watching this, I realized how broken I really was and just skirting through life unaware of how much trauma I’m actually carrying/dismissing as normal.
This is so very true. I'm 63 now, but I can remember distinct times in my life when I was 4, 6, 8, 12, and 17 years old and I knew then and am still 100% certain today, that I was the only mature, intelligent person in the house and my parents and uncle were present at the time.
Yep. Careful of potential abuse of substances, food, alcohol, internet, drugs, sex, shopping, etc. etc . . .Many of us find ourselves in the rooms of recovery (from whatever ) and through the work we do getting out of addiction, discover we did not have a childhood. Edit. Clean and sober 32 years. Last time I spoke to the one who hurt me - 25 years !!!!! Please note, anyone worried that they are breaking G.d's command to honour mother and father, YOU RE NOT ! G.d knows your heart, the struggles you've been through and wants you happy healthy and whole. Also, I learned, we are never given more than we can handle.
So, I feel like all of us have been raised by parents who didn't resolve their childhood trauma from their parents who didn't resolve their childhood trauma.... How does this cycle ever get broken?
Personally, I've opted to never have children. Not just for trauma reasons, but it is a major factor. Cycle can't continue if there's no one to continue it. But like I said, this is just the simplest option for myself.
“Our parents didn’t see us as children.” THIS. Whenever I made my mother mad she’d tell me, “You’re so selfish,” “You have such a dark heart I don’t know how you can stand it,” “No wonder you have no friends,” etc. I’m just now coming to realize I was never a bad person, I was a child. If only I had a mother who knew how to raise one.
Wow. My mother is the same. She still brings up things I’ve done and said as a child or teenager. As an adult, I’m disgusted that she would give low blows to a child. Her child. You don’t get into the ring with a child and throw blows like they are an adult.
"No wonder you have no friends"...I will never forget when my mom said that. I know she did the best she could and I've never mentioned it to her but I remember it whenever I see her.
@@maximwilson1482 You're more forgiving than I lol. I hate my family bc they are morally and dutifully responsible to me for everything, simply for making me, and they skip and have skipped as much as possible. All my suffering comes from them and their criminal unpreparedness
@@tobediscontinued1795 I hear you on that and used to think the same. But if you think about it how does that mindset help you to be the best that you can be? It most certainly damaged me...and I didn't start feeling better until I took responsibility for making my life better and no longer looking to the past to rationalize my issues. Everyday I have to force myself to be grateful for what I have and force myself to go outside and not isolate (which is soooooooo easy for me to do for days on end). To be honest I didn't forgive but came to realize that she did the best she could with the resources available to her at the time.
I also saw his recommendation and approach Dr Oyalo for the herbs on RUclips. The herbs has so far work positive on my child’s eye contacts and speech improvement. My child social skill is good now and response to name has improved too
Last week, I set a boundary with my mother that included calling before she visits. She tried guilting me and when that didn’t work she said,” There’s always been something wrong with you. I’m ashamed of you.” I immediately ended the conversation and hung up. I’m 53, I’m a hospice nurse and I am still dealing with my childhood.
Anybody else think that statement about kids being resilient is utter and complete bullshit? It's an abusive statement made by people who won't acknowledge their own actions in screwing up their kids. Permanently. Takes the courage of a Seal team to break the cycle of abuse and psychological warfare.
"Some kids are just flat out raged at to the point that they leave their bodies." Made me think so clearly about my abuse as a child. I wasn't allowed to cry when being yelled at, so I eventually coped with it by sitting there, eyes fixated on one specific thing, until I literally just detached. I held it all in until it was over, then I would be stuck in this strange intermittent period between the yelling and "normality" where I just felt so out of place, so far away.
@@meganversteeg61 exactly. crying gets you hit, not showing emotion gets you hit. abusers just look for things to use against you no matter what you do. i wish the best for you in your healing journey. this is a hard road.
Omg i cant belive this is a thing. I would do it because i knew the rage session would be over sooner, also since i was never allowed to "defend" myself anything i would say would literally be used against me so I learned it was best to not say a thing.
I hate crying in front of others, showing any other emotion besides happiness, feeling powerless and weak. And not doing things right the first time, or when things don't go my way, I've always kind of thought it was a me thing, but now I think it's trauma.
Not doing things at first time? Wow this is totally me... I can barely remember my childhood though, i feel like that was just a dream, but apparently its still here...
I felt like i couldn't cry either... now middle age and let it go now finally... it's a relief. More to my story but crying is normal and don't be ashamed. You'll feel better without bottling up the emotions
I kinda like crying in front of others, it makes me feel as if everyone can put an explanation to why I act crazy and on impulse; like they can see there’s emotions behind what I do and how I act
I remember that, one time I was playing with my dolls and was "making them talk" and my father walks in and says "You look like a lunatic talking to the walls". I was a child just playing with my dolls. I'll never forget that phrase.
Severe childhood trauma will attract abusive partners to you that will victimize you in very similar ways to the original abuse and trauma. They may even exploit information you have told them in confidence to target your wounds directly to gain control. I wish I had a chance to heal as a young adult. I went and found my abusive parents in one abusive partner after another. I have no idea why this is, but its true.
The same thing happened to me,I tended to pick on abusive men feeling it was quite familiar,as I grew up in an abusive "family" eventually I decided "romantic" relationships were not for me.
Same here ... but it also extended into friendships too ... have become asexual and afraid of having friends ... now I enjoy life as a schizoid personality where I find peace and tranquility
I don't know who this guy is, or why he showed up on my feed today, but I am extremely glad he did. These are all things that have an enormous impact on my life and I had no idea any of them were from my childhood trauma. I'm 42 years old and just now beginning to understand that my specific kind of crazy originates from my terrifying childhood. More so, I'm only now understanding that it might be able to be fixed.
Most of the more severe illnesses happen to people because an upsetting event occurs in their lives taking them by surprise, unexpectedly, impacting first in the brain, then in the corresponding organ which that part of the brain controls. The end of WWI had absolutely everything to do with the Flu and lung TB outbreak that occurred killing millions. In nature, the biological conflict linked with a territorial fear (just what it means-a fear in your territory, your home, your community, etc.) is a widening of the bronchia (tissue loss). Your body attempts to widen your bronchia in order to allow more air into your lungs to give you more strength and energy to fight to keep your territory safe. Stay with me.......The biological conflict linked with a death fright impacts the lungs. The lungs attempt to grow larger in order to allow more air in because breath equals life, as we all know. No breath equals death. While you are in the fear or death fright conflict, you notice no symptoms of “disease”, except you have cold hands, cold feet, you can’t sleep, you awaken at 3 AM every night, you have little appetite. During the war, millions of people were in fear of the bombing of their homes and cities where the war was most active. Fearing for their lives, their loved ones in the war, their ability to survive. The food in the stores was sparse due to shortages. This lasted for 4 long years! The longer the conflict, the worse the healing phase. Within 2 weeks of the German Chancellor announcing the end of WWI, these millions of people ALL went into the healing phase all at the same time. It is during the healing phase that you experience symptoms of illness! What is the healing phase of the bronchia widening? Severe bronchitis, pneumonia. The body attempts to refill this lost tissue and you experience inflammation, fever, coughing, body aches, fatigue, etc. What is the healing phase of the extra lung tissue that grew? Decomposing of the tissue by TB bacteria and fungi. The symptoms of this healing phase are: severe coughing up of blood and tissue, fever, inflammation, severe mucous, body aches, fatigue. During this decomposing of the extra tissue (tumor), the body expels a lot of protein, and without replenishment, severe protein loss can result in death. Antibiotics did not exist yet. If TB bacteria does not exist in a person or they have been vaccinated against TB (big mistake), then the tumor will simply encapsulate and become dormant and not harm you. Who died during the Spanish Flu? Mainly the poor who could not afford to buy meat and proper nourishment, and the people who were directly impacted by the bombings and destruction of their homes. Millions of people suffered fear and death frights during the fighting of WWI, and millions of people all went into healing at the end of it. Not everyone was affected because not everyone suffered the same way. It’s not a “flu”, it’s not something you “catch”. It’s biological, meaningful, and unavoidable. One hundred years later, a Fear Campaign begins, using the media to spread it...
So sorry for your trama. I am glad you are getting the understanding and help you need. I grew up in a loving Christian family and my life's work was about improving family life for others. I am approaching my elderly years and have always had a hard time reconciling religious believers and harsh, hurtful behavior toward children (and women). Best wishes to you for a bright future.
In nursing we get taught not to do that. Sometimes I accidentally do and patients get upset with me saying I don't know what they're going through. Probably a very personal thing
My biggest issue is I can't remember most of my childhood. It's difficult to peg these triggers to anything cz I can't remember any of it. It sucks that the triggers are still very effective regardless
Same:/ I can remember being screamed at & the curses but not my crimes. Sometimes with physical rage. Scary. I finally decided I was the scapegoat. Didn't know anything about disorders cptsd but knew plenty about alcohol, the family curse.
Wow. When you know deep down that your childhood deeply affects you everyday. But you think it's nothing because it didn't involve physical abuse or the extremes of neglect. The traditional types of physical abuse. Then you see that narcissistic parenting, unfairness, inconsistency, conditional love and many more can all be forms of emotional trauma that affect you to this day. All 6 points resonated with me.
Me too. It's as if a bright light bulb has been shown into dark corners. Resonates with immediate family, extended family, employers, even friends. Holy Wow.
I actually couldn’t believe this video. I felt so heard. I felt so out of place like well my trauma isn’t that bad so nothing to heal from but wow I’m fucked up
honestly I feel terrible when I start feeling horrible about my own childhood trauma when other people have gotten hit and it's like I don't deserve to be upset.
"Our parents didn't see us as children. Toxic parents usually see their kids as selfish adults..." I've been thinking this for decades and its good to hear someone else say it. Its a thing.
Me:*crying cause all the stuff feels super relatable* Him: "and you're watching this video because you're hyper sensitive" Me: *wiping my eyes* I'm not fucking sensitive. Ps. Sensitive was my trigger word growing up, constantly mocked by my entire family for my emotional differences.
I feel that, started bawling my eyes out cause people would always tell me i was being unreasonable or crazy because of the way i reacted to certain situations. It always caused me to rip myself apart and question why i did certain things. To actually hear another person say that what happened to me is normal and is not my fault was just great.
Neutral feedback drives me NUTS. I’m a perfectionist so when someone is like: “meh” it drives me crazy because I’m constantly trying to be good enough for everyone around me and I feel like I’m always falling short of that.
Guess the feedback I got from a piece of artwork I was working on and I showed a work in progress! He was excited about it but when I showed him the finished product, the friend merely said "and I shaved todayc I went ballistic! I said its hardly the same achievemtn as me finishing a piece of art and I wanted your reaction to it but instead you tell me you shaved?" Well I told all my friends about it and they didn't understand why I was upset. One friend just started giving their opinion on the art in a forced way and criticism as well as if that's what I wanted. I didn't I was just ranting about the reaction that guy gave as it was his opinion I wanted. I was expecting "wow that's really good" or the likes seen as how he was impressed with the wip. He told me that everything done is an achievment including his shaving. Yeah but it's still not the same thing! And not the point. The point was that I was hoping for a reaction
Just seeing the words “having someone mad at you/being misunderstood” takes my physical anxiety symptoms to a 10 immediately. My mind feels like it’s in a room full of smoke, my back is throbbing and my legs are restless. And I was fine 2 minutes ago. Wow. Unbelievable.
s a m e and like i feel like i know it but i feel like i never realised most of the times about this i like didn't attend a place for days just to not see that person
I've been told all my life by everybody in my family and two husbands that I'm " too sensitive." I'm 72 and have finally come to appreciate the kindness and compassion that come with being an HSP.
I juzt realized i use to do this when my mom use to rage/lecture me. I thought i was just tuning her out bit now that i recall. I didn't purposely do it. She would say something and i would snap back and answer
For me, I get super triggered when people don’t believe me when I’m telling the truth. I think it stems from trying to tell adults about the abuse I was experiencing as a child and them telling me I was making it up to slander my abusers. Im sure other people experience this, so if y’all have suggestions as to how to cope, please let me know!
My number one and two suggestions ( if you are not already practicing this) is acknowledge to yourself that you cannot control what others do and always tell the truth as best you know it to everyone on every subject. No white lies. As every one around you learns to expect only the truth or silence from you my experience says you will not have to swear or promise anything. You will be believed in general. The good thing Abt this is that it is totally up to you making it doable. It must have been a scary and lonely place to not be believed as a kid it's a great silencer of children --im sorry that happened to you.
@@Sophia-ks9yu I'm so glad I was able to pass on something I found helpful in my life. It took me a while to accomplish but when I finally made telling the truth no matter what my personal value my life got so much easier and so much more peaceful. You're so welcome and I'm wishing you ease and peace.
Yep. Another trigger and my emotions get amplified. I even imagine others think I did something but won't say it to my face. Just a little paranoid at times.🙄
Oh do I ever know that problem! To the point at 60 years old, if I tell someone something, my brother will tell them I'm lying. But then he'll turn around a couple of weeks or months later and say the exact same thing I said. Smh.
This video has reframed my entire life. Things I’d never thought about or connected before. Silly things like I’m always pestering my husband asking if he’s alright, for no reason. I always need to know everyone is ok and if someone is quiet I assume it’s my fault even when I know I haven’t done anything
It’s like what’s wrong did I do something? I don’t think I did? 🤦🏾♀️ Did I say something? (Now, I’m in head, & my man on the bike can go hunty) 😩😂 🫢Mad or Misunderstood Wow, & that’s where the people pleasing comes from…. My mom would say growing up: “Dont make your issue, my issue” “Use your resources, figure it out” “Your gonna be just like your mother” (Teenage yrs esp, I moved a lot) (Adopted -Mother was on drugs)
I also saw his recommendation and approach Dr Oyalo for the herbs on RUclips. The herbs has so far work positive on my child’s eye contacts and speech improvement. My child social skill is good now and response to name has improved too
YES!!!! ME TOO!!!! And I get INFURIATED at myself because I find myself asking myself if I'm ok at random parts of the day. I thought I was the only one!
I’m hypersensitive. My eldest is early adolescent age, and can be quiet sometimes. I have to stop myself from asking if he’s ok, or trying to cheer him up, just because he’s being quiet 🤦🏽♀️ I realised this is exactly how I interacted with my mother, always trying to lighten the mood and make her happy as a kid.
Huh my half sister was like that with me and now with her daughter and it makes sense because her mom would get irrationally upset over the most ridiculous things and punish my sisters by neglecting them. Now my sister gets worried when her daughter is quiet or just thinking that she might secretly be upset
I do that with my husband I’ve noticed when he’s quiet I always ask if he’s upset with me or something. Cause I tend to get quiet and shut down if I’m upset or something and then I don’t want to talk or want to be left alone. I wonder if I’m just hypersensitive
This is literally what I needed to hear. Im 23 and I’m a lost puppy in this world I have no idea why I feel like such a failure all the time watching this video has really opened my eyes.
You are still young enough to get the therapy you need to really have and enjoy your life...please do so and know you'll be carrying the light forward for all of us that it is too late for....Blessings
The part about toxic parents seeing their kids as selfish adults really resonates with me. I can remember since I was pretty young and through all of my life really my dad would talk to me, sometime lecturing at length, about one thing or another that I should do. He always treated me like I had to plan ahead but I was already a disfunctional kid who had no understanding or care of future and planning. Sometimes he would talk to me out of anger and impatience, sometimes out of being a superior know-it-all who had to prove how much he knew. He had a tendency to go on and on when talking to me like that and he often had a monotone voice and would tell me much more than a child could really handle or remember. I would get more and more disconnected and upset as his lecture droned on and I felt like I was going to cry so often. I felt stupid and lost because I couldn't keep track of what he was saying and I didn't like what he was talking about. He still does that thing where he will tell me I should try doing one thing or another and they're mostly terrible ideas that really make me feel like he never knew me. I still hate it, I don't feel like a person, I just feel like a thing that has to move to some goal that I don't care about. I feel dehumanised and like I'm dying when he keeps talking. My mum does the same sort of thing but in her own messed up way. It's an absolute soul killer to listen to that, I shut down very quickly and don't want to talk to them. It's something that makes me not want them to come around. There are other times they come over and the conversation is more down to earth and they act more like normal people, that makes me enjoy their company. I don't think they'll ever be able to grow beyond their own messed up childhoods, not in this lifetime. That's something that really makes me despair for myself and for people in general. I see so much disfunction around me, in the world, still going on. Abuse and disfunction that has been going again and again within families, from which very few people seem to be able to break out of it and stop from happening, to improve things for their children. It makes me feel like almost everyone around me is trapped in unawareness and negativity and hurt and I don't want to be exposed to most people because it scares me to think about dealing with any more of what I already have in side. Reality feels kind of terrible.
Thanks for putting your experience into words so well - I felt dehumanized growing up also, being molded for a future with a soulless corporate job, in a soulless society, with no room for autonomy or being. Of course, that's the reality for a lot of people in this world. It's really inhuman. But I'm hopeful that we might be able to turn it around, giving the growing awareness of these issues, how to recover from them, and how to gain back our autonomy. As we recover, maybe we can begin to build a better world...
I find myself almost "mourning" what should have been a healthy childhood. It's hard to explain but the more I learn how to heal the more sadness I feel about the reality I lived through. Anyways, thank you for putting into words what I never could ♡ Edit: Reading everyone's responses really moved me, I truly hope we can one day overcome the sadness and/or anger we carry. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone, but also thank you for reminding each other that you're not alone🤍
Allow yourself to mourn it, please. The realisation is painful; so with your future, treat yourself, healthily, to what you deserved when you were a kid in your social relationships. Don't stand for anything less than the dignified, loving treatment and experiences you deserved.
I not only mourn the kid me, I get angry that I wasn’t guided properly. I was handed a bunch of emotional issues, low self esteem, not knowing or understanding what boundaries to set so I wasn’t abused or taken advantage of. Set up to fail in life by the very people who were supposed protect me. It makes me mad. I try not to dwell. I have and continue to struggle with feeling worthy, standing up straight. I always thought of myself as a chameleon. I can blend unnoticed into any situation. I blend into the wall.
i cried because this is real. i’m not making things up or being “a baby”. this is real. my experiences are real. my feelings are real. edit: added quotation marks.
I think all abused children go through this, but especially as women we are always taught that we're crazy, manipulative, making things up, exaggerating. And I understand exactly the relief you feel!
@@handsomejack7901 lol don’t talk about shallow when you have “handsome” before your name, and this isn’t the first sad comment you’ve made on this video. You need to talk to someone in real life instead of spreading misery online
“Our parents didn’t see us as children. Toxic parents usually see their kids as selfish adults who are making choices at their expense.” Omg 🤭 I feel this one so deeply.
"Why did you try to make a grilled cheese by putting cheese and bread in the toaster at 5 years old?" Better question: Why was I trying to make my own grilled cheese at 5 years old?
I felt this a lot as a child and I went without A LOT….but I have to say I never saw them without alcohol or cigarettes…..backwards priorities all the way! They fell under self absorbed parents for sure!
Regarding 6+5, I think, maybe with me in particular, it's like a mixture. I am resentful of thoughtful and oblivious people because I'm angry that they can (seemingly) get away with it whereas it feels like I am punished excessively for any sort of mistake.
:*( I feel your pain. Had similar issues .. it often takes a lot of time to be able to understand our authentic expression of emotions. In time you can do this!!!
“Toxic parents did not see us as children, but as selfish adults making choices at their expense.” I am super grateful you found the words to explain this, because…Yes! The treatment was as a if my mere existence was ruining her life. Like I should have came out the womb knowing how to care for myself. Tried so hard to know and be better for her, to no avail. Whether I did something right or wrong, it was never good enough. As a child, When I didn’t know things instead of helping she would shame or tease or embarrass me for my ignorance or just take the whole situation over with complete frustration complaining about my incompetence and repeating how I am lucky to have her. Childhood was snatched right from under my feet. What I knew about myself was that I needed to be better for her. One time I mentioned turning 18 and living my own life. To which she replied, “No, you owe me!”I swear in that moment the room started spinning 😂… Thank God, i finally made it out at 28
Bless your heart! I’m so sorry that she was incapable of seeing and appreciating the gift that you were and are not just to her but to the world! May God bless you to heal completely. It takes time.
That’s so sad! So glad you made it out!!! I physically got out at 21 but it took me over 10 years to realise that I didn’t owe her anything!! Well done on getting out and for being on your healing journey x
Much of your comment reads like my mother's attitude toward me, I did everything wrong even when I did right. Made me freeze whenever I did anything, nothing I did was ever right let alone good enough. I escaped the day she died at her age of 64. I am happy for you that you made it out sooner🤗Thank you for your comment💕
Growing up, I was taught that, "When you're angry, you're automatically wrong." My parents never helped me process anger, and so when it flares up suddenly, as it does quite often, I have a hard time controlling it. I have a hard time accepting whether I had childhood trauma or not.. but a lot of this resonates with me. Thank you so much for your experience and reaching out to help countless strangers online. It's a beautiful work you do.
I don't like to consider myself traumatized, because nothing really happened to me and it feels unfair to kids who had it far worse. But everything one of the things he describes here is something I still struggle with. I used to be a lot worse but as he mentions, I developed a belief system based on being brave enough to risk being wrong, to risk taking care of myself, to risk being happy, and adopting a dog attitude that I will help people as much as I am able to, but if it's beyond my ability to control, I'm within my rights to not give a damn. Hand wringing about the impossible only distracts you from what you CAN do. Paradoxically, the more of an asshole I am, the more energy I have to give attention to the people who really deserve it. I think this is why women drop the nice guy in favor of the Chad every time, so the meme goes; as a lifelong nice guy, I can say from experience that it was all about making myself I invisible and harmless and hoping for someone to mind-read that I'm actually terrified; when I did meet a nice girl who really liked me, I ghosted her, because I was so busy writing about myself that I just didn't have the space to even think about her, let alone help her with anything. I don't know if I'm traumatized per se, I'm more upset about the things that DIDN'T happen, the lessons I didn't learn when I was still a child, that I had to brute force my way into learning as an adult. The more I get adept at life, the more I question, what were mom and dad DOING all those years?! This is some BASIC BASIC shit that I'm only just now learning, and it's easy now that I know it, and they never had the ability to just take one day to teach me it? It's not so much triggering anymore, but just retroactively really disappointing.
@@samwallaceart288 honestly, same... You should search more about emotional neglect, it's a real thing (and at least for me it resonates a lot). Also, trauma is trauma! Just because people had worse experiences doesn't invalidate yours!
I sometimes have trouble processing anger as well. I just turned 24 and still struggle with a short temper, and I feel helpless and like I cannot control it sometimes. But I’m working on it, and I know it stems from a lot of toxic, aggressive parenting from both of my parents, especially my dad. It wasn’t my fault as a child since I was aggressive back to them in self-defense, and it doesn’t just switch off in adulthood. It takes time and effort to unlearn it, as well as self-compassion. Being hard on yourself doesn’t help (easier said than done, I know).
Yeah... My mom taught me that giving an angry response because she got unreasonably angry automatically makes me wrong cause she's the parent and I shouldn't go against her (basically her way of saying that I should be submissive with her, and that whatever the issue it's always my fault, and all my family agrees with her), and that crying cause I was upset for whatever reason is bad because I shouldn't be so upset to the point of crying (and she would slap me to "give me a reason to cry" if I didn't stop crying), so nowadays I don't feel comfortable expressing most sort of emotions in public, specially negative ones, and I try to suppress it as much as I can, and I'm really bad with confrontation because I always go back to the submissive state my mom caused. (and she wonders why I can never stand up for myself at school, I wonder why mom?)
@@gabrielabatista6016 Sheer stubbornness is what's needed. The stubborn certainty that if I _engage,_ I can figure out a way forward. I will make mistakes, and I will stubbornly continue to make mistakes, and I will develop an intuition for solving those mistakes, because I can. Thinking doesn't fix it, just stumble forward and keep doing things, I will get the hang of it. Keep going.
This is so on point! I am 55 and still can't say no, extremely bothered by other people's moods, irresponsibilities, just everything. Thank you. I have to listen to this one over and over
I also saw his recommendation and approach Dr Oyalo for the herbs on RUclips. The herbs has so far work positive on my child’s eye contacts and speech improvement. My child social skill is good now and response to name has improved too
I get so annoyed with people being oblivious and thoughtless. I never realized this could be a trigger but looking back at being ignored my whole childhood and only acknowledged when I did something wrong is definitely why I get so enraged.
Literally same it’s sooo triggering like where is ur head at??? And I want to detach my emotions so I don’t have that reaction now but idk how😭 sending u healing
@77ranko Oh yes, and once I heard about it, I couldn't stop reading about it to educate myself, I have several book and a Scribd account. I am learning to heal.
Forget Crappy Fairy, look for the experts whom chappy fairy gets her info from. Try Janina Fisher, you'll understand yourself much better, and Bessel Van der Kolk.
It's such an odd disconnect, though. like, growing up whenever someone was mad at me, i was either screamed at and insulted and lost possessions, or was about to be in a lot of pain: bruised, bloody, pinned to the floor, and crying. but as an adult (thanks to training) if someone physically attacked me i would react and fight back without even thinking about it. i'm not afraid of the actual physical violence anymore, but yet i am still absolutely terrified of the anger? and the threat of violence? I don't understand.
Parents saw me as a selfish adult - that's such an eye-opener! And explains a lot! I'm living with this understanding for just two days now and it is a game changer already. Now I understand that I was raised to be a parent for my parents since I was 4 years old. It's so unfair to do something like that to a child... It's so absurd that it hurts. Thank you so much for the content. It helps a lot❤
Same here - and it was probably earlier than 4 years old - that's just how far back our memories go... I felt like a puppet having to assuage my parents' wounds from as far back as I can remember. I do feel more compassion for them now, after understanding what they went through, but am still trying to unburden myself from that responsibility.
I knew my mom had trauma just by hearing stories about her childhood. It was so good seeing this video because I understand more why she is the way she is. I don’t believe that excuses her behavior, but it explains it. Thank you for this.
"Our parents didn't see is as children." As a former parentified child, that one really hits home--having the agency of a child but the responsibilities of an adult, and the anger that followed if I didn't live up to those responsibilities. I was also an adult before I realized that other people "travelled out of their bodies" in the face of anger.
I wasn't parentified but hit this stage of my life when adults would refuse to help me, insisting I do everything all by myself like a big girl but would get annoyed if I asked them for help as I was still learning. I understand, there was a baby in the family and my mother was tired but still. Plus, I was constantly reminded that I was only a kid whenever I stepped up to help the grown-ups voluntarily. I don't think it was bad of my parents to encourage independence, I only wish they hadn't acted so impatient during the learning process.
This has opened my eyes so much, its strange that my parent had such good intentions but accidentally traumatised me from being so depressed. I always thought it was part of my natural personality to be sensitive, shy, giving and considerate but... Perhaps not. That's likely why it makes me so angry when other people are not.
Yes, this. My mom was extremely depressed while I was growing up and it took some time to realize that It might just have made me into the very "quiet, mature, responsible, kind" child that I was. I only received praise in that state..
omg the anger thing I totally get I get so angry with people who just ignore others and don't try to help anyone at all and Idk I can't pinpoint it but it makes me want to strangle them
My mom might not be depressed but ya know growing up in a religious household in the 75-90era does not make her a great candidate for good mental heath
This makes me feel better. I have such a hard time with people who aren’t considerate or even aware of what’s going on around them. I’ve ALWAYS been aware. But I do think that’s from my trauma.
I'm glad I found these videos. The crappy part is, trying like hell to heal an inner child while dealing with depression and ADHD and knowing I have created trauma for my own kids because I had no idea I was so broken. Thankfully I have open communication with them and let them know I'm 💯 here to help heal whatever I broke so they don't have to figure it out as an adult like I am. 🥺
I've said sorry for the times I got it wrong and my 3 amazing human beings know how much I love them and always have. I think understanding what their Mum endured has helped the healing and I thank God they've not repeated history, somehow I managed to break the cycle.
I also saw his recommendation and approach Dr Oyalo for the herbs on RUclips. The herbs has so far work positive on my child’s eye contacts and speech improvement. My child social skill is good now and response to name has improved too
The "mind reading" one is so on point with my mother! "Do you want me to help you clean that room?" "No, I got it." *20 minutes later* "I JUST finished cleaning that room all by myself! It took forever! It wouldn't hurt you to offer some help sometimes!! You're so lazy!" She also keeps shit bottled up until it explodes in your face at random times. You could say one thing one day, and she'd completely agree and sympathize with it. Then maybe two weeks later, you'd bring up the exact same point; and she'll bite your head off. The inconsistency gave me so much anxiety when I lived with her.
She sounds like my grandmother. If you can, stay away from her. Mother or not. My dad is 67 and still lives with his mother. She has ruined him. He ruined me and my siblings. I no longer have contact with either him or her.
@@justsojourning Good for you for staying away from people you don't need in your life. My relationship with my mother is complicated, out of my two parents, she's most definitely the saner one - my dad was borderline dangerous and has a personality disorder we can't quite pin down. My mother, my sister and I; banded together to get each other through the times we lived with him. My mother tries her best, but has a fair share of trauma and personality quirks/faults that sometimes lead to poor parental/social decisions. I see what you're saying, and I currently live away from her. But I can't exactly drop her like a sack of potatoes.
Oh they LOVE Ammo to shoot right in the head w. Its disgusting I cut my mom off because she started her 💩 again. As an adult I cant deal any more I'm so done never really shared much and always tried to protect those around me by limiting their w her. She Only treats females bad like she will never talk to brother or do these things to him. It's weird
“Some people struggle with x , INCLUDING MYSELF” I don’t know why that “including yourself” part feels very comforting. Not because I’m glad you are struggling with that but because I feel like you can actually understand us.
The fact he can relate to the rest of us is very comforting for me as well. It feels like he's in it with us rather than helping us from high up on a pedestal.
I did therapy with Patrick - he's very supportive and compassionate and he has been in therapy. It's also really reassuring knowing that it's possible to become a functional person even if parents mess us up in the beginning..
Its ok to be sensitive, bu don't judge and make assumptions about people. Speak up if something bothers you, but be open and be open to dialog. For example, I am distracted and maybe forget to do things, but i don't do it on purpose. Sometimes i dissociate. My ex reacted as i was a rude selfish b***h. ....
@@Hollyhock7 right, I don't remember much of my childhood and I can't pinpoint any trauma, maybe I was always just a sensitive kid. My siblings don't seem to have picked it up and don't seem to deal with the same trauma I did.
My childhood lasted into my 30s when I started receiving "reality" checks from others that my mother was really was mean and awful (not my fault). And I finally escaped her control.
Whenever you describe the things the parents did, I realize that those were all the things my best friend did to me growing up. She was super abusive and I think it’s important to recognize that childhood trauma doesn’t always come from your parents.
I definitely have trauma from a friend who would put me down for being quiet and shy and weird but then when I started coming out of my shell a d making other friends it was always "you've changed" "you've turned into such a bitch". It really upset me.
@@rebeccaf2649 whenever I disagreed with my friend, over any small thing, she threw a huge fit and told everybody in our grade lies about why we were fighting so that nobody would talk to me until I apologized to her. She literally isolated me so that I was forced to cave. It fucking sucked.
You should read "Hold Onto Your Kids"... it talks about how the school system encourages peer-orientation and that in the absence of parental leadership, we look to our peers. It's fascinating and makes you rethink the whole idea of socialization in schools being so important.
Yeah I definitely have childhood trauma from my friends and at school not so much from my parents. Although I did wish they knew what was going on with me when I was younger.
I've realized in my later life I craved control because I never had it growing up. Everything was uprooted, broken, or taken from me and I could never do anything because I was young and depended on my parents. Security was scarce in youth so I craved it as an adult
I feel this so much. My mom was emotionally neglectful and only really paid attn to me when I was doing something "wrong". She said she never wanted kids, but had 5. I truly believe she sabotaged me early in life. I wanted to go to the Army when I graduated from hs. She knew I was doing all the stuff to make that happen (did great on ASVAB and did MEPS), but refused to sign the paperwork (was 17 at the time). I later heard her kinda brag how she wouldn't allow her kids to go to the military. She treats me like I'm her "best friend" (frenemy) instead of a daughter.
For me, positive feedback feels like pressure. Like oh, I did that well? What about it did that person like? How do I maintain what I just did? Oh no theyre still watching me, now I'm over thinking and I'm probably not doing as well
"Not seeing us as children, but as adults makign choices at thier expense" dear god... I remember being five and having my father scream at me for something, telling me I'm ruining his day, asking why I'd do that, and then demand to know why I'm crying. I said "you hurt my feelings" He said "Well you hurt my feelings! You hurt my feelings by crying right now, how do you think that makes me feel?!" By second grade i was use to hearing this, but so many times this was the case.
My mom asks me why I'm so observant and thoughtful when giving her advice. And I never tell her this but it was because of her. I had to watch her body language and guess what she was thinking to know if I could be around her or avoid her and predict if her mind was gonna swing soon. I had to watch how other people were around her and how she would respond to it because I didn't want it to be taken on out on me. She always had depression and I also developed depression and anxiety as a child. It's genetic, but because she didn't have a hold of her mental health, I had to keep an eye on hers to avoid the backlash, and sometime try to do things to mend her mood. I think I developed some manipulative habits from trying to act more cute and more "caring" like by giving her tissues and holding her hand when she cried to try defusing her bomb, but as I got older that didn't work very well and instead she would blow up on me. While it now seems like a gift to be so observant and to be able to get into someones head, It's actually a habit and comes from a survival instinct. A blessing and a curse.
Man I can REALLY relate to this comment. No one in my small town knew this, but in my 20s, my mom was diagnosed with DID. Her PCP shared this with me when he discovered it. Remember, in the '80s HIPAA wasn't really a thing. Like you, I had to wait see which mom I was going to be dealing with at any given moment. I'm sending this comment at the risk of it being construed as a one up to yours. Please don't take it as that. Your experience was REAL & traumatic. I see each of our experiences on the same level of difficulty. Frankly, my experience might have been a little easier than yours because at least I had some other moms to step in & comfort me after the rage of the mean mom. Her other personalities were delightful. But I had to dance around the scary one it & mold my responses to her behavior. Like you, I see that it has given me adaptation skills (on a superpower level....lol) that I have found quite useful in my adult life. Sadly, Mom spent her last year in hospice due to leukemia. Her erratic behavior there led her doctors to dig into her past records where they discovered that hidden DID diagnosis which helped them understand & love & treat her accordingly during her final months. I had purposely disconnected from her 10 years prior so that I could focus on raising my autistic daughter while also dealing with MS & visual impairment from glaucoma. I'm talking white cane visual impairment. Those adaptation skills came in quite handy with my illnesses as well as my daughter's. The personality of my mom that I dealt with while she was in hospice was her core personality....the loving mom. Surprisingly, she told me I had done the right thing by disconnecting with her & my other siblings & she encouraged me NOT to reconnect with them. She revealed that 1 of them was interested in acquiring adult guardianship of me as well as my daughter for the purpose of having control over our SSD funds. I already knew this but to hear it from her let me know that I was speaking to a sane person & that my hunches were not INsane. She was out for my best interest. She also encouraged me NOT to let my siblings know that she & I were back in contact. One of them consistently posted on her FB things like "Mom so desperately wants to speak with Betsy before she dies". Mom & I got a chuckle out of that. I really had to trust that Mom's vicious personality wasn't going to reveal our reconnection to my siblings. I know I was taking a chance. But during that time I felt like I had a strong medical support system that would not give the okay to anyone trying to acquire guardianship of me or my daughter. Prior to reconnecting with Mom I had no intention of mending fences with my siblings. Not out of any sort of ill will but out of protection of myself & my daughter. When I did the cut off from them, I did it with a short, loving, concise (hard to believe I can be concise after this comment, right?) letter I copied to each of them. "I must resign as family peacemaker so that I can give all of my energy to raising Rachel. I feel your behavior is toxic to us & I must disconnect. This is not about ill feelings or hatred towards you but about love for my daughter & myself. I love each of you dearly & wish you the best. Love, Betsy" . I'm sure there may be better ways to write a letter like that. Looking back I think it came off as me being the mentally healthy one and them being the bad guys. I did the best I could then with the understanding I had then. They're probably ISN'T a good way to write a letter like that. When we set out to do the work to heal ourselves.....when we really LOOK at the situation..... It can read like a Lifetime movie, can't it? But kudos to all of us who are here because we CHOOSE to to do that work...for ourselves & future generations. My current therapist recommended Patrick's RUclips channel to me. After a few videos I texted her and jokingly told her she was fired because Patrick was giving me all I needed. She and I have a good rapport that way. She's working with me on quite a few issues but when it comes to family dysfunction problems, I've never been able to find anyone who could help me do that work any better than Patrick Teahan. I mean this guy is really making me WORK. I feel it's safe to say he is helping a thousands of people. I wonder if he knows just how far reaching his coaching is.
@@betsylaughs My mom was also loving when she could be, and my siblings are a lot older than me so they understand me and would visit often. It wasn't all bad my mom could always pull herself together by the end of the day to tell me she loved me. I don't blame her. She's been helping me with my mental health even. You seemed to have a bit hectic life, but both of our expressions seemed to give us superpowers. :)
@@DemonicMonic I am sorry but this sounds horrible. Your mom was abusive throughout the day, but then told you she "loved you" at the end of the day. Love isnt just words, its actions. How confusing to have your mom act so unloving towards you, and then claim that she loved you. This sounds like a method of torture.
My parents were upset that I didn’t do ‘kid stuff’ like hang out with friends etc. as soon as I would do that, they’d turn around and suddenly I need to be acting more mature I loved reading and they told me I needed to put the book down and try other things. I did, and suddenly I was told I was lazy and didn’t have the brain power to read anymore My parents told them to come to them if I was having problems, but as soon as I did they yelled at me and told me I should be able to do that or deal with it by myself :/
Sounds like 2 narcissistic parents… that sucks, you can never do it right with a narcissist. I have a narcissistic dad and it drove me crazy as I grew older, to see clearly how he would flipflop on his stances and what he wanted from me. Somehow it didn’t matter, everything was wrong and I would be ridiculed for any little thing. I remember the frustration of trying to listen to him and trying to get on his good side, and never succeeding. It’s hard to see clearly and believe that it isn’t about you and what you do, it’s about them and how nothing will be good enough for them. I feel ya!
The classic double bind, when you can't do anything right, if you are inside why aren't you outside. You/I grew up with 1,000 rules in your head. And the by products are self sabotage, procrastination, shutting down
For me, my parents never take me anywhere and are always busy or not up to taking me out. Going places other than a church or school stuff is rare. (I'm homeschooled so that sucks.) they often try to push for me to be friends with their friend's kids or the kids at church but I relate to none of them and the relationship always fails because I can't uphold it or hang out. “You're an extrovert just go talk to them!” I think they broke me. I gave up with good deep friendships and now go into obsessive fantasy relationships instead. And yet they still push me to make friends and ask me why I don't. And when I tell them that they never take me anywhere they say I never asked. But when I do ask or tell them, “hey I wanna go swimming! Hey I wanna go hiking” they are like, “okay, maybe later not now I'm too tired.” Later never comes. And the RARE few times I get to hang out with friends, I can't communicate with them because I don't have a paid phone because my parents say I don't need it. And then they get frustrated when I can't properly communicate with my friends. It's a whole fucking cycle. And I'm sick of it. What's the point anymore?
@@artscraftsgaming7169 that sounds really really frustrating! Depending on how old you are, you will enjoy life a lot more once you’re free from your parents! If you can hold on until then? And are you not alowed to have a hobby or play a sport? That might be a way to make friends and get out of the house. Being homeschooled isn’t helping… if your parents won’t listen to you, maybe you can write them a long letter or something, tell them how sick you are of your situation right now. I don’t know. But they should take you seriously and listen to you. You can’t choose your parents sadly, I wish you all the best and I hope your parents see you for who you are and what you need.
I have been the parent that has seen my child as an adult, rather than a child. I'm a victim of familial abuse (not just my parents), and I can see myself projecting some of my unresolved issues on my child.. This really gave me pause and insight on that. Gotta break the trauma cycle and start somewhere. Thanks for this 💕
Hey, I'm a random girl on the internet, 19 years old. As someone that's had difficulties growing up, especially with getting into blow-ups with my father, thanks for making an effort to be better. I try telling my dad that maybe he could use some help, seeing as he has anger management issues (in my opinion at least) which usually ends up with me getting angered quickly bc of my ADHD, and all of that combined turns into awful verbal arguments between me and him. If he were to ever take the step ur now actively taking, I'd be so proud of him. Therefore, I wanted to let you know: I'm really proud of YOU. You're doing something some parents won't. Realizing things some parents refuse to think about. Mending wounds some parents allow to keep bleeding, which often leads to their children having their own hurt to mend as adults. So thank you. As a kid of a parent that won't get that help, or realize that problem, it means a lot to see people in this comment section opening up to changing their pattern of behaviour. You and all the other parents here are awesome for it. I bet you'll get through it, and I truly hope you heal from your own hurt. I don't know u, but I love u. You got this!!
It's really hard, but I totally understand! I am a teacher, and I still find it hard to separate my personal experience from the typical childhood experience. I always engage in internal dialogue along the lines of "when I was that age I already knew this" or "when I was younger I never would've done something like this". I really wish you the best, it is a hard line to walk trying to not treat your child like an adult, and not treat children as if they are not individuals.
@@AnonANGL As a 35 yr old woman whose father didn't get help, I'll let you in on what actually did help him: It was ME reaching out to him and acknowledging that he did the best he could for me, telling him that I value the lessons he taught me (even if they came out in really negative and damaging ways), and telling him how much he means to me. Parents are just grown children with their own set of problems, and you can't help someone by fighting them. Show him that you appreciate him and be sincere, show him love and don't be pushy, because likely you are pushing against wounds he carries and causing him more pain too, especially when you lay all the burden onto him because he is your parent and "supposed to be the one in charge". Approach him as a friend you love, with compassion, and you may be surprised at what develops.
@@roflpill This also seems like #4 mentioned in this video by appealing to a person who needs anger management- like training can be dangerous. It is not my intention to attack your opinion, I just wanted to share another perspective I respect your posts tone of positivity that has to come from an amazing person.
People do a lot of talking and their actions never match their words. You’re not actually going to change just because you watched a video. You’ve already traumatized your child. Both of you should be in individual therapy.
You’ve just summed up my whole inner child. I lived in complete fear of my father blowing up in a narcissistic rage and being punished with a leather belt, I’d I spoke up framed as talking back. To this day, my body reacts when people yell. I’ve gone no contact with my siblings and I’ve never felt more calm. Thank you for this entire posts. Think I’ll head out to the sandbox and build my own castle. 😅🏰
This is exactly my life summed up. Belt whippings, being called the only foolish child, not ever being expected to do anything right even today, feeling insignificant, being shouted at. I literally still run away when I'm yelled at.
I realized a long time ago a childhood “trauma” I have- and that’s being ignored or not listened to when I talk. If I say something and get no reaction or even a “hmm” to acknowledged that I even talked gets me SUPER triggered. If it’s a group conversation when I try to contribute again and again and keep being cut off- it’s even worse. I was the youngest child by a big gap, and I was constantly ignored even when I had something important to say and even when I was already 16.
Me too! My closest in age sibling is 10 years older, and I was often butted out of conversations. I'd keep trying to talk, but no one valued what I was trying to say because I was too young. Now if someone's not listening to me, I just give up. Sometimes I would passive aggressively just not talk to see if anyone would ask my opinion, and then get my heart shattered when no one ever asked.
@@damienshort7283 heh, don’t know if it’s a Good or bad thing, when it happens with me I can sometimes snap. Even when I’m with friends. I’m not very good at hiding my emotions 😂
I too have youngest child syndrome. I will absolutely loose my mind if someone cuts me off..especially when I continue talking and they also continue talking after they cut me off as if I were never speaking, the conversation is now over since I no longer feel like my opinion is valued. I will not say a word afterwards, and in fact I start to visibility show how uninterested I am by not looking then in the face anymore and not showing emotions. Most of the time I feel like people are talking at me as if I'm a brick wall that they're using me to get everything off their chest, and I'm just supposed to sit there and absorb all their pain for them. Hence the reason I am super introverted. I feel like I have such a great personality that I have to hide from to world because no one will even listen to me.
This is 100% me, except I am the oldest and my brother and sister are close in age. If I wanted to be acknowledged at all when it came to decisions (which I felt like I needed to be a part of because I was a parentified child) you had to yell and get angry to be taken seriously. So I still struggle with getting angry whenever someone ignores me, but it has made it easier since I deleted all my social media apps off of my phone and rarely go on them anymore.
growing up, i never understood that i was being neglected and abused. i thought all families were like mine. i thought that hurting someone was a sign of love. now i realize i don’t even know what love is
My mother started getting mad at me when I began taking my own decisions, the clothes I liked, getting away from religion, my own body (and what I ate and how much, fun fact she has problems accepting herself), my career, not wanting to get married or having children... It has been a horrible experience, it took me a while to realize that she somehow can't stand me being so different and taking a different route. My sister on the other hand , is praised because she is following the same path as my mother did, her husband is actually very similar to my father in his behaviour. Even the way she speaks is very similar to that of my mom's. Nowadays I learned to keep things to myself, but that's hurting me as well as I want a mother to talk to without feeling like I'm doing something wrong and I will be punished or ignored for days. I want a mom.
I want a Mom too. Believe me. I feel lots of judgment from my Mom. She can’t say anything positive about me. She can’t be proud of me. But at this point…. I’m better off without her. I want to put up a “Mom wanted” sign
@@reneepetrie15 you know, I was feeling very depressed that day, I'm a little better now, I hope you can feel better too, and I guess the rest is left to us really, trying to go to therapy and not doing the same mistakes (if we have children too). It's unfair that we have to manage the mess of others, but it's up to us to cut with that toxic behaviour or we are condemned to make a vicious cycle out of it. I really hope you and I and everyone here gets a chance to feel better with themselves. We deserve it.
This is my fear for my God daughter. Her mom went thru so much childhood trauma that she can't see that in many ways, her eldest daughter is just like her. Because my friend can't see her own trauma, she doesn't see that she's reacting to her daughters same trauma. All I can do is try my best to be there for both of them. My friend is a great mom, baring this one trait. I try to be the best aunt that I can be to soften this for my God daughter.
Wish I could be the mom of everyone in this comment section.. I'm so sad reading everyone's stories here. Also makes me sad not being able to help you all...
Oh god the being misunderstood segment hit me hard, I was so close to crying. I'd always known that being misunderstood or having my words twisted in bad faith was a "pet peeve" of mine, but... wow. Wow the way you described it.
I also saw his recommendation and approach Dr Oyalo for the herbs on RUclips. The herbs has so far work positive on my child’s eye contacts and speech improvement. My child social skill is good now and response to name has improved too
I've never thought of myself as traumatized, just as someone with difficult parents... So this ist very interesting for me since I recognize those patterns clearly in myself.
Oh my gosh, when you said 'just let other people feel their feelings' I literally felt a stab of anxiety even though these are hypothetical people with hypothetical feelings 😩
My parents: you've had it so easy growing up- stop saying we are mean parents. Me: literally suffer so badly from all these things and cry myself to sleep at night✌
Assuming your parents had a rough childhood: It sounds like they see themselves as the victims of you (their child) and grandparents (their parents). They simply refuse to grow up.
@@user-ox6yt3wr8n I will put it another way. When you complain to your parents about the things that are wrong, their reaction is "You are mean to us!" They feel hurt by your words. Your words cause them emotional discomfort or pain. So in their eyes, you are someone who causes them pain. That makes you a perpetrator, while they are the victims. They are parents who see themselves as the victims of their child. It's all upside down, of course, because in the beginning it was you who felt pain and came to them with a request to do something about it. They took your pain, made it theirs and now they want YOU to do something about it. All the while, they refuse to take responsibility for their poor parenting. Also, your pain goes unaddressed. (I am sorry about the last part.)
@@sophiareed8266 ah, that makes sense now- thankyou for re-phrasing it for me. It's totally true though, I see it now you've explained it. And don't be sorry about the last part (if you mean your reference to their poor parenting), because you're totally right. Moving out soon, so brightside lol
At 51, I’m finally recovering from childhood trauma and just got out of what I pray is my last abusive relationship because I finally saw the signs and was able to leave. Therapy has never worked for me before, thank you for defining so clearly triggers, my feelings and what has been happening all these years. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Many of us never even knew what a narcissist was or heard of it til the internet lol , many of us didnt feel we needed any therapy that was weak not for us and just kept moving on dealing with each situation but things continued to keep falling apart and then your like why is this happening hmm, then you find out your brian needs to be rewired so you stop repeating the subconscious patterns and in that case you start to more become more aware and then realize you been stuffing your emotions instead of dealing with the pain and grief and really fixing it, It takes time better late then never lol
@@stopwars8642 I agree. I also took a long time to realize what it was and to stop blaming myself. My healing process has been the best thing I've done and has changed my relationship with everyone.
I also saw his recommendation and approach Dr Oyalo for the herbs on RUclips. The herbs has so far work positive on my child’s eye contacts and speech improvement. My child social skill is good now and response to name has improved too
what u said about negative feedback is so true. my dad works with disabled children/teenagers and whenever im unable to do something he says “how come the kids at my work can do it despite their disability but you can’t?” it makes me feel so ashamed and worthless.
My mother was so miserable in her own life she could never see how miserable she made me. Now that I have a son I'm trying to make sure I don't repeat this cycle
Thoughtless gift givers really trigger me. Growing up my parents gave me things that were totally inappropriate (e.g. adult centric hobbies or interests) or they didn’t bother ask what I needed (years of needing a good winter coat and boots but receiving books or electronics instead). I probably look to an outsider as though I am materialistic or being petulant about a bad gift, but my internal feeling is intense sadness about not being “seen” and my needs being disrespected in service of what someone enjoys shopping for.
Idk why, but when you use the words “we” & “our” & “us” when talking about OUR messed up childhoods - it makes me feel like you are advocating for me. Like I’m included and seen & it’s very comforting. I had a lot of trusted adults tell me as a kid/teenager that I needed to give my mom grace because she’s been through a lot and that’s why she was the way that she was. They literally made excuses for her and essentially put the blame on me and my siblings and completely dismissed our feelings when I tried to tell them just how bad things were at home and just how toxic my parents were. It made me feel worthless. I am in my 30’s now with kids of my own and I’m trying to heal so I can end the cycle for my children.
Have you truly ended the cycle? Do you yell at your kids. Say things you don’t mean or regret saying?? It’s human to learn what we know from our past. This is what he says. Moral policing. Think back what he says. That’s breaking the cycle when you take a deep breath and work on how to better that trigger response and change it. It’s really hard.
@@KKKaTTT123 it’s not as easy as saying it on a social media platform lets be honest this was a crap on my mom and now I’m better and have kids and will break the cycle. Well you can’t just say it and it comes true. Her comment has full resentment.
I never thought of all childhood trauma this way. I just thought when I get older I would figure it out but childhood trauma can really hinder adulthood.
Another good example for number 4 is angry customers when you work in a service industry! Those interactions can be *brutal* when you carry childhood trauma.
For real, I thought it was normal to be so drained and worn after every shift cause I always heard that, but then one day I was crying in the walk in and it just hit me; I felt like I was back home and eight years old again, and shaking , crying and trying to appease the adult who was determined to not be satisfied and to find reasons to punish me. I went back to working nights, where I was mostly on my own, and didn't have customers to deal with.
I just want to tell every single person in these comments that we are all truly so brave, such wonderful people and we were and always will be enough ❤
positive feedback can make me feel icky because my father often used my achievements to brag as if they were his own (especially as a child with decent grades) it felt less celebrating me and more like “look how good of a dad i am”.
Know that feeling. Never believed that it was sincere when was said directly to me and more a formality of the people and the few times that I remember being told something good from my parents independently of their true intentions it felt like they were mocking me, or my brother with learning issues was being prissed for no failing his classes with me present at the moment they told something good about me to try to be fair. And my brother and me had like a mutual hate for this situation, other people make fun of him for barely passing and not having the facility I had with grades, and I felt like my only reason to be was compensate making them being seen like good parents when my grandmother was who helped me with homework till 5th - 6th grade and for the rest of the time the TV and video games were there for me (now it makes sense why for almost two years between 4th and 6th grade my life plan was learn everything that could be useful to live in the forest with no contact with people). The first time that I really felt a complement like genuine for something that I did was when played Earthbound on the coffee and tea break at 24 years old and cried like around half a hour for this
I know exactly what you mean. In addition the second a positive like that comes out the first thing I think of is how it's now an added expectation. I felt more dread than anything
damn. sometimes it’s deeply, weirdly personal things too, like my mom would brag about how long i prayed (1. it had nothing to do with her, 2. it’s between myself and my creator?) and then when nothing too exciting was happening she would just make things up. one time she sent chocolates to her friends and said they were from me because i’m a very thoughtful daughter. ??? still can’t get that.
Same here 😐 I still have issues that surprise and frustrate me .... I'm 61 with complex PTSD ... I feel like I'm doing much better then I get overwhelmed ... 🙃 I do try to be positive .... and never treat others in a bad way ...
It is sooo difficult to stop constantly examining everything. I grew up with constant ridicule, everything about me was a problem. I self isolated as a child because of it and later on just became suicidal. Always wary of why someone wants to befriend me, it takes me awhile before I’m comfortable with friendships. Really trying to see how I can change this.
These 6 traumas triggers basically conclude my whole life. My life evolves around those triggers. Makes me feel better that there are reasons for my pains
![BRASIL vs. URUGUAY [1-1] | RESUMEN | ELIMINATORIAS SUDAMERICANAS | FECHA 12](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/-hWBAuxF1eY/mqdefault.jpg)
Being expected to act like an adult while being viewed and treated like a child just there to listen and obey was hella confusing
This is pretty much my life rn
@@OddWolf666 I am so sorry, I promise it gets better just hang in there
Yes
Fr tho shit makes no sense
@@OddWolf666 You Better Find Your Way Out, Sister!!!
@12:03 “Toxic parents usually see their kids as selfish adults who are making choices at their expense.” 🤯
This is my favorite line in the video!!
I just realized the way we sometimes expect people to read our minds because our parents didn’t attune to us appropriately, our parents expected US to read their minds and attune to them - probably due to their own traumas. Thank you so much for this video! I’m glad we all have a chance to break the cycle. 🙂
@@HeidiZiegele It's so good and validating
That one got me, too….
It’s my favourite line too
I remember I used to get punished for “talking back” when I would try to explain myself or answer a question and now I have a really hard time engaging conversation with anyone, I’m 20 and still can’t hold a conversation, I get so nervous worrying about if I’ll say something stupid or something that’s rude and offensive so I just don’t talk most of the time.
I hear you. Oh, how we all just don't know that which another is suffering as we stand before each other. May you find the skills to be your best self. 💞
I'm 53 and I still get scared of getting in trouble when speaking to my parents. I'm not allowed to have my own opinions, viewpoints, mind. My family is VERY freaking dysfunctional.
@@audreychristine58 it's when we're older, me 74, and realize we're still internalizing the way we were treated at 10, 11, .... 18. But even finally getting away from it, it still is there.
Me! My goodness, it’s to move through the world with it on ur mind 😢. It came be really exhausting.
My parents do this to me so I’ve learned to not share my thoughts or feelings with people
“We were greatly misunderstood growing up…our parents didn’t see us as children. Toxic parents usually see their kids as selfish adults who are making choices at their expense.” I had to pause at this part. Just take it in. Rewind and listen to it again and again. It hurts so much to acknowledge it but I’m so glad to have words for it now!
With the gradual using of dr Oyalo herbal recommendation for autism, whom I met on RUclips, my son is totally free from Autism with his speech cleared and behavior ok as he can now respond to name, orders and act right. Thank you doc Oyalo for your help. I am Greatful 🙏
That was the sentence that stopped me in my tracks too. Yes, it's helpful to have words for it... and to know that we survived.
THIS !! My mom recently mentioned when I got my hair cut when I was a teen... She thought I was parading around, kept walking by her to "show off." I told her that I actually was very self-conscious/embarrassed of it, hated it and probably wanted to talk about it... this conversation 40 yrs l8tr. 😢
Yes, same for me. My dad to a tee.
Same. I always thought of it as they see us as objects. Toys to fullfill a fantasy of a family until then we dont fit that narative anymore (due to being humans just like them with our own innate interests, perspectives, and methodolgy) and then its just conflict from then on out due to us never being 'perfect' again in their eyes.
I always find it weird when a kid is way too mature for their age. People usually see it as a gift, but I know from personal experience there's usually something else behind it. Kids should act like kids, and if they're acting all cold and taking decisions it probably because there's a situation at home that's forcing them to grow up fast. And that's never good for nobody.
Edit: Reading everyone's stories has been so validating. To everyone who is sharing or will share, thank you so much ❣️
Them, thinking they’re giving you a compliment: «oh, you’re so mature for your age».
Every single one of us that grew up in some form of abuse: «Thanks, it’s the trauma».
I used to take it as a compliment too, until I saw someone connect the dots between said «maturity» and childhood trauma, while opening my eyes to the fact that it isn’t even close to what’s supposed to be normal.
Mature kids, I know I was one and my bf was one, are almost always an indicator of either neglect or childhood trauma. It's such a shame that this is seen as a positive thing. As if the very concept of children being children is irksome... we really haven't evolved that far past from "children are to be seen and not heard" mentality 😢
So much yes to this. And now in my mid twenties, I'm being told i act like a 17 year old. And you know what? That's because i'm finally free from the shackles of self-doubt, manipulation, control, and maturing too young. I get to be wacky n weird and loud and not have anyone ruin my day ^~^
I was forced to do almost everything for my parents. Calling the bank, insurance stuff and so on, thus I was very mature at a very young age. Everyone told me how intelligent and gifted I was but I hated having to call the insurance for my parents at the age of 11. It shows until today, I'm overly mature. I never fit right in because I never acted my age and I was very good friends with some of my friends moms.
@@melancholy_joy yes! Same here. I was such an adult when I was younger I ended up being a really teeneger-ish adult.
My favorite method of coaching my inner child is saying "hey kiddo, that was a survival tactic- we are not in survival mode anymore." Its almost instantly calming.
I’m gotta try that
@@biancasadventure it really does help. Its oddly grounding and in a weird way uplifting. Knowing you aren't just surviving your life anymore and reinforcing that feels good.
I learned to call my inner child "BEBE, how are you feeling today?" It felt so right! I have needed to feel loved and wanted for so long. I love that you call yours KIDDO.
that's a good one
Noted. I’ll have to try this especially since it took me years to realize I’ve been in flight or fight mode or autopilot. I’m going to be on my own for the first time so I’m looking forward to finally being able to recover.
“LOOK AT ME WHEN IM TALKING TO YOU” “DONT LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT” Can’t win with them☠️
So true. The worst for me was answer the question but it was never the right answer.
I can't make eye contact with anyone, if they force me my heart starts racing and I start shivering :((
So now i avoid conversations with people :)
@@lanamclagen7017 mee too dude on the high way I can’t even look at the person on the next lane. There’s something inside me like a feeling of I’m going to faint or blackout if I look at this person on the next lane.
Yes!! And, "Give me a response when I'm telling you this, dammit!" at the same time as, "Don't you dare interrupt while I'm talking to you!"
They meant look at them without attitude
Being laughed at while I'm crying absolutely sends me over the edge. It hasn't happened in a long time but I remember it so vividly and I'm so scared to cry in front of my family now.
When I was 5 years old I fell off the monkey bars and hurt my head. I was playing in the playground in the center of an apartment complex and I had to walk past 2 ladies to go up to our apartment. Would you believe I just stood there and yelled for my dad. I didn't want to walk by those 2 ladies cause I didn't want them to see me crying. At 5 years old I already knew you don't cry in front of anyone. Me, a little 5 year old kid.
Yes. I remember when my parents video recorded my melt down and laughed in my face. When all I needed was a hug, my pain and confusion were entertainment to them.
I understand Erica, this is how I was the first 35 years of my life. Sadly, I taught my children crying in front of anyone was dangerous and weak. I was so badly mistaken. On another night of sleep eluding me, in the lonely darkness, I came to a realization that pivoted my belief on this. That realization was that tears are not a sign of weakness, but a sign of an enormous heart which we all know requires incredible strength. Tears are the physical manifestation of overwhelming grief and love. My thoughts are with you today.
Why people feel a need to laugh at anyone crying and find that humeroous I will never understand
@@graces2209 Omg that is horrid. I can imagine how hurtful that must have been for you. ❤️
i personally feel so… weird when people talk to me about their childhood and it’s not ragged, fuzzy and torn
it’s just happy and colorful, and they actually remember things properly
They could be hiding the bad parts
@@belle3055 even tho I've definitely had a bad childhood just looking at how my parents treat my younger sibling. but my brain just keeps hiding it and making me forget about it, it's probably out of fear i would remember it again or relive it again. Proof is probably when i watch videos like "10 signs you have toxic parents" even tho i don't remember most of those bad memories, i still tear up.
OH MY GOD YES THANK YOU
My dad was really abusive but every memory stops before it happens, so I only remember the good parts of my earlier years. I feel no effect
Yeah, I really don’t remember any of my childhood to be honest.
It's funny how I grew up with people saying to my mom " she is so mature and responsible for her age" and nobody never questioned it
Yeah same for me. I'm 15 and my mature looking body ALONG with mature conduct gets people assuming I'm up to 6 years older. At this point I can barely socialize with girls my age... Because they are too immature.
@@calamitychaela1994 making friends at that age was difficult for me too I had too many responsibilities thanks to the way I grew up and many things to think even though I shouldn't be thinking about them at that age. Remember that you deserve to enjoy your teenage years ,be carefree, and make mistakes. Make a LOT of mistakes and never take them back, be true to your feelings and remember that one day you'll forgive that narcissistic parent because one day you'll realize that they too didn't know any better, and you'll walk away of that unfairness with your head held high and your heart clean. I wish you peace and light.
Saaame. But I definitely looked really young. I was very much trying my best to be like all my friends. But I was such an angry mopy,introverted, quite. girl and no one understood why. I was 8
Tbh I prefer talking to people older than me.. Im only 16 and my friends act pretty immature even tho they arent kids anymore. Id rather talk to my friends who are on their 20s cause we have a lot more in common.
(Im not saying anybody should never act childish, just saying that it has to be to a point where it doesnt bother anyone)
I was always told that too, and people frequently complimented my mother (right in front of me) on my good and responsible behavior. They didn't know she was an alcoholic who left for the bar the minute I got home from school (or sooner) and didn't return until at least 2am, sometimes was still gone when I got up the next morning. My older brother lived there too, but he is severely intellectually disabled, cannot make his own meals, etc. I HAD TO BE responsible.
watching my parents be loving christians around the church and then rage and abuse us at home really messed with my ability to believe anyone’s kindness for a while.
Jesus calls that hypocrisy. Sadly even believers aren’t exempt though they should know better just by reading examples of it and its effects in the Bible
I went through the same thing! To thicken the plot, they were both ministers but at home my mom was abusive physically, mentally and emotionally
My mother was a born again Christian too and would send us to church after laying beside her husband abuse us all night amd would call is where's and beat us. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when they meet their maker amd see what he really thinks of the behaviours
I am so sorry you experienced that. There are a lot in the church that are only following religion and not developing a deeper relationship with GOD (which brings about true change and Christlikeness). I pray for your total healing and wholeness.🤗💖
going through the same
When I was 17, I was told by a psychologist that my childhood was "worse than most.". I'm 60 and still dealing with it.
my tecahers in school would call me a spoiled brat thats what made me who i am today :)
@@minhyuksssmileand just who are you today?
youre doing a wonderful job my darling, i hope your proud of yourself (cos i am) for valuing your own wellness and better yourself piece by piece 💚📚🎈 youre cool as hell.
I’m sorry. John 14:6 ❤
Wait did your dad flat out call you hurtful things like me?
8:53 “can’t ask for help and then gets super aggressive about not getting help”
ah yes, my mother
Also mine!
Are we all lost siblings here?
My poor mom had the most horrible time growing up, and I understand why she doesn't feel like she can safely ask for help with anything, but *oh boy* yeah. The worst part is that she's actively undermining anyone who is willing to help out, since she 1. feels safest with the familiar -- doing everything herself -- and then compulsively burns herself out on routine household tasks in order to avoid her more complicated adult responsibilities (like delegating tasks), and 2. will automatically overrely on anyone who does try to help out, inevitably burning them out, too.
My mum doesn’t want to do anything for her self. She never has really. She doesn’t want to take any responsibility. Perhaps she can’t because others have always done it for her.
It is also very rare that she would straight out ask for help. And yes, there are some things she physically can’t do or doesn’t know how, just like anyone.
She will just phrase it in a passive aggressive way that has to be decoded.
It’s just my brother & I & we are thought of pretty much like slaves.
She has a lot of help from those outside the family because she is a certain age on her own but constantly complains that she doesn’t have any help & “no one”.
Any task my brother & I do is micromanaged & completely draining.
I have had to give up helping around the house because of this.
She would love nothing more than a bunch of people constantly buzzing around her & seeing to her needs.
It would be better if it was strangers actually, people she had no emotional connection to she wouldn’t have any kind of bias & her ego boosted.
@Ana Banana
Just being aware of the pattern is a huge step in overcoming it. Also, if it helps, for myself I try to focus on how frustrating and unfair it is when someone expects me to read their mind; I find that really helps me to feel more comfortable with expressing myself and what I need.
Kids don't choose to have their parents, parents choose to have kids. If there were one message I wished everyone considered before becoming parents, it's that one.
Agree totally!! Way too many breeders having kids just bc society says you should. My childhood was incredibly painful and haunting me still at 51 years old. I decided as a child that I did not ever want to be a parent as parents were the enemy! I am very happy to be childfree.
Absolutely! That's why I don't want to have kids until I'm more or less self-conscious.
Sounds like you're telling women to have abortions.. No one chooses trauma and every parent does the best they can with what they have but yes, there are unfortunate events that parents ~can~ create but we are all people..
This is powerful.
@Mylfy Gamer i don’t think that’s the point they’re making at all. the point is that no child asks to be born but many children are treated as inconveniences by their parents. some parents make it seem like giving basic needs to their child gives them the right to do or say whatever they want to them. you didn’t choose to have your children but you did choose to keep them, so just treat them well.
I tend to find myself always explaining my whole situation if I feel like someone is mad at me. Even at little things. Like, “well, I was at the park because I wanted to be outside, and then I found the stick because I accidentally tripped over it (not because I tied my shoes wrong, because the pavement was uneven), and then I came here ... “ blah blah blah. Like, always feel like I can’t just be, I have to say everything so they understand and aren’t upset lol
ohh yeah, whenever I do like. Literally anything, I'll start coming up with an explanation and ironing it out ahead of time just in case, it's exhausting
Meanwhile here i am can't proceed to even say a single word
Oh yeah same. Never knew what my parents wanted to know of me, never specific, more question meant more yelling, so it means I have to say -everything-. This ended up in me unable to properly explaining myself to people. Currently trying to relearn
Omg same... I apologize for literally anything and everything. Even things that doesn't even have anything to to with me. People tell me all the time that I should stop apologizing
I do this too!! I feel like if I leave out a detail ppl will think I'm lying.
I think it also needs to be said that it’s not necessarily a parent that caused you to feel this way. Siblings, or other family members can cause these traumas, too.
Siblings learn these behaviors and treatment from their parents
@@tylerelizabethcrosby5241 Often, yes. Always, definitely not. Some learn it/develop it from outside the home, from extended family, from inherited mental health issues, from substance use issues, from birth parent (adopted children, for instance), etc. There are a plethora of children that are raised by the most amazing parents that do everything right, but have one or more children that have very toxic behaviors that cannot be changed, even with the most thoughtful interventions. Unfortunately, not all children can be helped.
School bullying...
The trauma that given by you own care givers have different effect on person.
Some survive the abuse from parents, siblings, and school bullies. No child ever deserves to live with no safe space.
Ugh, #4 is the worst. I always assume if someone is angry, they're angry at me and I panic.
I relate
I'm the same
And then sometimes they actually do get angry at you because they say that you are so self-involved that you can't just let them be angry about what they're angry about. Ugh re-living the trauma in new relationships is so hard until you know what's happening and why.
@Vera So true.
I remember asking my Mom if she was mad at me all the time. Being the youngest of 6 kids, I was thirsty for some type of attention. Then if I got in a fight with my brother, I would get beat, so it's no wonder.
I love how number 3 is being sold to us as being “an empath” or “hyper sensitive person”, when most of the time it’s just people with childhood trauma being used to “reading” a room or person, in order to asses if there’s any danger. 😅
hahAHhshahhahahhhahahaahf * lauhging turns to crying *
my dad always says I'm an empath like yeah bc of you dawg I'm nervous to react
@@ronanmaebee same, dude
True, but in the process, you start to see people as yourself. You become sensitive toward peoples feelings, to the point of actually feeling their feelings. I'm actually a major empath, whenever I see someone hurt or crying, I automatically cry too, because I really can't help it. I take on people's pain and feelings, which can be emotionally exhausting.
Yes so true!
Something that I struggle with a lot is that I've never really viewed my parents as abusive or neglectful and yet I'm seeing all these videos pointing out triggers that I identify with and explaining that they come from a background of childhood trauma. I've recently come to realize that my parents were emotionally unavailable and because of their own trauma, kind of passed it down to my siblings and I, but I wouldn't go so far as to call them abusive? It makes it a lot harder to deal with my trauma because there's always that part of myself in the back of my mind saying that I'm being dramatic or my trauma isn't real because my parents were never drunk or hitting me or obviously harmful.
I get this. It's been weird and uncomfortable and also sort of relieving/validating/cathartic in some ways learning to accept that, "Yes, my parents did the best they knew how to do, and it was actually a pretty amazing job knowing more of how hard it was, *and* they still messed up, it still had a negative impact on me, and it's okay for me to feel upset about that."
never agreed with something so much. had a hard time up until this video even considering i had childhood trauma because in the back of my mind i think i’m being dramatic :/
For me, there's also an overwhelming feeling of shame - I'm ashamed that, although I wasn't openly abused or neglected, my parents did the best they could and they loved me unconditionally, I turned out more traumatized, less life-skilled, more avoidant, more resentful towards them than most people who survived actual trauma like alcoholism, physical violence or sexual abuse.
Stop. Neglect is abuse and everyone deserves love and help 🖤🖤
FINALLY SOMEONE ELSE THAT FEELS THE SAME!!!!!!
Every single day I ask myself, why am I like this? Why can’t I just be normal and not let little things bother me? This is the first time someone has ever explained to me why I react so sensitively to things especially other people. Someone can have a slight tone change and it feels like the end of the world sometimes. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this. You have no idea how thankful I am for this. I’ve finally identified the problem and can move to the next step of healing and deep diving into my childhood.
You also might be a Highly Sensitive Person or Empath
With the gradual using of dr Oyalo herbal recommendation for autism, whom I met on RUclips, my son is totally free from Autism with his speech cleared and behavior ok as he can now respond to name, orders and act right. Thank you doc Oyalo for your help. I am Greatful 🙏
I am totally the same way, or was the same way. You are healed I am getting there. I am SOOOOOOOOOO thankful for your comment because I am literally going through the same thing. Thanks for the reminder that this is possible to heal! Much love to you on your journey❤
What a wonderfully hopeful response. I am sending you all my love and wish you peace and fulfillment.
I also feel like this
“We weren’t seen as children” sir you just explained my entire memory. This video was hard to watch but NEEDED
I freakin bawled so hard at this part of the video.
It was like someone finally understood me as that child and what I went thru.
I can't even type this without crying. I feel so bad for lil Leslie (that's the name I chose for my inner child)
I feel guilty as an adult that I couldn't leaen to self soothe.
Gosh, I need to go back to therapy... Sadface.
But thank you for your comment, really really resonates with me.
Lots of love to you 💜💜💜
@@jaedin07 same here and reading your comment made me cry again!!! You are so amazing and thank you so much for helping me feel validated!!
I'm sorry this happened to U.....🌾🦋🌾
@@jaedin07 🐝💛🐝.......🌻🌾🌻
As a child I never felt like a real person, we find ways to survive our difunctional up bringing its how we become functional adults but this kind of information is truly awakening and helpful.
Oh my God, my mom had a way of expecting me to do things correctly even though she wouldn't properly explain them first. She got that from her own mother. It lead to me not asking for help or explanations anywhere because I have this feeling like I should know it already
Yep! Spot on same here. My mum use to make me go in and groceri shop for the family. Then get livid when I'd get the wrong product or wrong cut of meat. It was hell
This is literally my mom, wow
I feel like this about almost every boss I’ve ever had! Like, are the details a big secret? Do you think I’m psychic? The only one who was descriptive, supportive, and thoughtful taught me things I still use, 20 yrs later.He became my mentor, and I miss him so. But never connected that with my upbringing. Hmmm
@Taffi MH my brother is like this! Thank you for saying it.
I'm the opposite and it's a new feeling for me since we're very close.
I am having the same feeling... When I was a grade 6 student my mother expect me to do housechores but when I told her I can't do it because she doesn't teach me how to do it she got mad as if I am a living fool to not know what to do with it. She even said to me that I should know because I can see how she does it, she brags about her learning it that way when she was just a child, she expects me to do the same. And I AM ALWAYS TELLING HER THAT WE ARE NOT THE SAME.
People use to praise me for being so quiet and secluded, "mature" and not asking for anything as a child. Now that I have children I never get mad at them for being CHILDREN, they're everything I'm not. That I wish I had.
EDIT: SINCE PEOPLE CAN'T COMPREHEND WHAT IM SAYING, "mature" as in worrying if we were going to have money to pay the bills or buy food. Not wanting to ask for help in anything because I felt like a burden. Didn't ask to go on field trips or new clothes so I wouldn't have to need money. Playing with toys didn't bring me joy. Not playing with other kids cause it felt pointless. Singing or being silly turned into snapping at me or yelling or shaming me for wanting to be a kid. Being on survival mode is NOT living and it's very hard to not teach my kids how to only survive but to also live. I didn't realize till after my first child that what I thought was normal is NOT.
I'm sure you're doing amazingly just be careful with taking it to the extreme. My mother did that with and I'm trying to find a balance in my parenting
My God. What a blessing you are. 23 minutes you have been a presence in my life of 47 years and you have taught me so much and explained a life of misery I could not articulate!
My inner child needed this. My adult brain absorbed this.
My soul is not as crushed as it was less than and hour ago.
Thank you.
*an hour ago
You’re such a beautiful person.
@@Kozygirlie_eats you’re awareness of these dynamics is the first step. Most parents never even get to step one. Your doing good 👍🏼
After watching this, I realized how broken I really was and just skirting through life unaware of how much trauma I’m actually carrying/dismissing as normal.
Me too, so broken 💔 I need therapy man
Out of context,but u are so pretty
When a child is “mature for their age” you can guarantee they’ll be depressed, anxious, and struggle as a adult. 🌾👀🌾
Jokes on you, I’m not an adult yet, and already am struggling mentally!
@@anonymouscausewhynot she was basically saying that hon
This is so very true. I'm 63 now, but I can remember distinct times in my life when I was 4, 6, 8, 12, and 17 years old and I knew then and am still 100% certain today, that I was the only mature, intelligent person in the house and my parents and uncle were present at the time.
Yep. Careful of potential abuse of substances, food, alcohol, internet, drugs, sex, shopping, etc. etc . . .Many of us find ourselves in the rooms of recovery (from whatever ) and through the work we do getting out of addiction, discover we did not have a childhood.
Edit. Clean and sober 32 years.
Last time I spoke to the one who hurt me - 25 years !!!!! Please note, anyone worried that they are breaking G.d's command to honour mother and father, YOU RE NOT ! G.d knows your heart, the struggles you've been through and wants you happy healthy and whole. Also, I learned, we are never given more than we can handle.
@@avalerie4467 congrats on getting clean, proud of ya!!
So, I feel like all of us have been raised by parents who didn't resolve their childhood trauma from their parents who didn't resolve their childhood trauma.... How does this cycle ever get broken?
You have to resolve your trauma the cycle ends with you
Resolving your trauma, and having kids that you, ideally, don't traumatize because of the hard work you put in to fix yourself 💜
Personally, I've opted to never have children. Not just for trauma reasons, but it is a major factor. Cycle can't continue if there's no one to continue it. But like I said, this is just the simplest option for myself.
Megan bowerman just learned - generational trauma
Two ways: don't have kids, or go to therapy.
“Our parents didn’t see us as children.”
THIS. Whenever I made my mother mad she’d tell me, “You’re so selfish,” “You have such a dark heart I don’t know how you can stand it,” “No wonder you have no friends,” etc.
I’m just now coming to realize I was never a bad person, I was a child. If only I had a mother who knew how to raise one.
Wow. My mother is the same. She still brings up things I’ve done and said as a child or teenager. As an adult, I’m disgusted that she would give low blows to a child. Her child. You don’t get into the ring with a child and throw blows like they are an adult.
Yep. I've been 50 my whole life..
And I'm 32.
"No wonder you have no friends"...I will never forget when my mom said that. I know she did the best she could and I've never mentioned it to her but I remember it whenever I see her.
@@maximwilson1482 You're more forgiving than I lol.
I hate my family bc they are morally and dutifully responsible to me for everything, simply for making me, and they skip and have skipped as much as possible. All my suffering comes from them and their criminal unpreparedness
@@tobediscontinued1795 I hear you on that and used to think the same. But if you think about it how does that mindset help you to be the best that you can be? It most certainly damaged me...and I didn't start feeling better until I took responsibility for making my life better and no longer looking to the past to rationalize my issues. Everyday I have to force myself to be grateful for what I have and force myself to go outside and not isolate (which is soooooooo easy for me to do for days on end). To be honest I didn't forgive but came to realize that she did the best she could with the resources available to her at the time.
I love how you talk from personal experience, you're not reeling off a load of 'facts' you've learned about - you talking from a place of empathy xx
I also saw his recommendation and approach Dr Oyalo for the herbs on RUclips. The herbs has so far work positive on my child’s eye contacts and speech improvement. My child social skill is good now and response to name has improved too
Last week, I set a boundary with my mother that included calling before she visits. She tried guilting me and when that didn’t work she said,” There’s always been something wrong with you. I’m ashamed of you.” I immediately ended the conversation and hung up. I’m 53, I’m a hospice nurse and I am still dealing with my childhood.
I am proud of you. ♥ Keep healing. Thank you for posting this and thank you so much for being a hospice angel.
@@ladyjsunshine6325 thank you. ❤️
Graceful. Thank you for taking care of people, you have a good heart ❤️
Oh my goodness.... 😢
We the people are not ashamed of you, my dear... quite the opposite 💜
@@cassandrakaramanos1636 thank you. I’ll keep that close to my heart.
Anybody else think that statement about kids being resilient is utter and complete bullshit? It's an abusive statement made by people who won't acknowledge their own actions in screwing up their kids. Permanently. Takes the courage of a Seal team to break the cycle of abuse and psychological warfare.
Amen to that
Completely agree
Amen!
Agree. Being resilient has nothing to do with accept abuse out of fear.
Amen and Amen!!! Totally correct!!!!!
"Some kids are just flat out raged at to the point that they leave their bodies." Made me think so clearly about my abuse as a child. I wasn't allowed to cry when being yelled at, so I eventually coped with it by sitting there, eyes fixated on one specific thing, until I literally just detached. I held it all in until it was over, then I would be stuck in this strange intermittent period between the yelling and "normality" where I just felt so out of place, so far away.
and then suddenly you get slapped in the face because they noticed you detached. which just makes it even worse.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. 😢
@@meganversteeg61 exactly. crying gets you hit, not showing emotion gets you hit. abusers just look for things to use against you no matter what you do. i wish the best for you in your healing journey. this is a hard road.
Omg i cant belive this is a thing. I would do it because i knew the rage session would be over sooner, also since i was never allowed to "defend" myself anything i would say would literally be used against me so I learned it was best to not say a thing.
@@meganversteeg61 Omg for real tho my mum would beat harder and harder till I would show some emotion.
Having somebody be mad at you/being misunderstood - BOY How I hate it. It makes me want to cry.
I hate crying in front of others, showing any other emotion besides happiness, feeling powerless and weak. And not doing things right the first time, or when things don't go my way, I've always kind of thought it was a me thing, but now I think it's trauma.
Not doing things at first time? Wow this is totally me... I can barely remember my childhood though, i feel like that was just a dream, but apparently its still here...
@@jadenbandit1204 I can't either, I can barely remember the happy times I've had. I only remember the traumatic things.
I felt like i couldn't cry either... now middle age and let it go now finally... it's a relief. More to my story but crying is normal and don't be ashamed. You'll feel better without bottling up the emotions
Yes i always have trouble with quiting things i didnt get right first like driving 😅 i feel u
I kinda like crying in front of others, it makes me feel as if everyone can put an explanation to why I act crazy and on impulse; like they can see there’s emotions behind what I do and how I act
I remember my mother yelling at me,
“STOP ACTING LIKE A CHILD!!”
ME: But Mommy.. I AM a child. ..”
That phrase is only appropriate when speaking to an adult. That was not right. I’m sorry that happened.
Yup and then I’m a child at their convenience.
I can relate to this too, I’m sorry you had to go through it
Tooo real!!!!! My mom used to say that too. Like, stop acting like a child, literally child. How dare you not be a grown ass adult.
I remember that, one time I was playing with my dolls and was "making them talk" and my father walks in and says "You look like a lunatic talking to the walls". I was a child just playing with my dolls. I'll never forget that phrase.
Severe childhood trauma will attract abusive partners to you that will victimize you in very similar ways to the original abuse and trauma. They may even exploit information you have told them in confidence to target your wounds directly to gain control. I wish I had a chance to heal as a young adult. I went and found my abusive parents in one abusive partner after another. I have no idea why this is, but its true.
The same thing happened to me,I tended to pick on abusive men feeling it was quite familiar,as I grew up in an abusive "family" eventually I decided "romantic" relationships were not for me.
Same here ... but it also extended into friendships too ... have become asexual and afraid of having friends ... now I enjoy life as a schizoid personality where I find peace and tranquility
I think the reason is that we mistake familiarity with safety.
@@annachan8151 Exactly!
Yep several toxic one sided relationships in my past as well.
I don't know who this guy is, or why he showed up on my feed today, but I am extremely glad he did. These are all things that have an enormous impact on my life and I had no idea any of them were from my childhood trauma. I'm 42 years old and just now beginning to understand that my specific kind of crazy originates from my terrifying childhood. More so, I'm only now understanding that it might be able to be fixed.
Honestly his work is amazing!
Most of the more severe illnesses happen to people because an upsetting event occurs in their lives taking them by surprise, unexpectedly, impacting first in the brain, then in the corresponding organ which that part of the brain controls. The end of WWI had absolutely everything to do with the Flu and lung TB outbreak that occurred killing millions. In nature, the biological conflict linked with a territorial fear (just what it means-a fear in your territory, your home, your community, etc.) is a widening of the bronchia (tissue loss). Your body attempts to widen your bronchia in order to allow more air into your lungs to give you more strength and energy to fight to keep your territory safe. Stay with me.......The biological conflict linked with a death fright impacts the lungs. The lungs attempt to grow larger in order to allow more air in because breath equals life, as we all know. No breath equals death.
While you are in the fear or death fright conflict, you notice no symptoms of “disease”, except you have cold hands, cold feet, you can’t sleep, you awaken at 3 AM every night, you have little appetite. During the war, millions of people were in fear of the bombing of their homes and cities where the war was most active. Fearing for their lives, their loved ones in the war, their ability to survive. The food in the stores was sparse due to shortages. This lasted for 4 long years! The longer the conflict, the worse the healing phase. Within 2 weeks of the German Chancellor announcing the end of WWI, these millions of people ALL went into the healing phase all at the same time. It is during the healing phase that you experience symptoms of illness! What is the healing phase of the bronchia widening? Severe bronchitis, pneumonia. The body attempts to refill this lost tissue and you experience inflammation, fever, coughing, body aches, fatigue, etc. What is the healing phase of the extra lung tissue that grew? Decomposing of the tissue by TB bacteria and fungi. The symptoms of this healing phase are: severe coughing up of blood and tissue, fever, inflammation, severe mucous, body aches, fatigue. During this decomposing of the extra tissue (tumor), the body expels a lot of protein, and without replenishment, severe protein loss can result in death. Antibiotics did not exist yet. If TB bacteria does not exist in a person or they have been vaccinated against TB (big mistake), then the tumor will simply encapsulate and become dormant and not harm you. Who died during the Spanish Flu? Mainly the poor who could not afford to buy meat and proper nourishment, and the people who were directly impacted by the bombings and destruction of their homes.
Millions of people suffered fear and death frights during the fighting of WWI, and millions of people all went into healing at the end of it. Not everyone was affected because not everyone suffered the same way.
It’s not a “flu”, it’s not something you “catch”. It’s biological, meaningful, and unavoidable. One hundred years later, a Fear Campaign begins, using the media to spread it...
So sorry for your trama. I am glad you are getting the understanding and help you need.
I grew up in a loving Christian family and my life's work was about improving family life for others. I am approaching my elderly years and have always had a hard time reconciling religious believers and harsh, hurtful behavior toward children (and women).
Best wishes to you for a bright future.
100% same experience, thank you for writing that out 💛
Dude, super weird. He randomly showed up on my stuff about 2 months ago as well. Cheers.
For some reason, I feel more included and not so “talked to” in this video when he refers to the audience as “we” instead of “you”.
Great point I thought that too!!
In nursing we get taught not to do that. Sometimes I accidentally do and patients get upset with me saying I don't know what they're going through. Probably a very personal thing
My thoughts exactly!!❤️
Yes. It's like, "Oh! He gets it."
@@QaydrGnlthe difference here is that he explains that he grew up exactly like this in several videos, so it isn't patronizing like that.
My biggest issue is I can't remember most of my childhood. It's difficult to peg these triggers to anything cz I can't remember any of it. It sucks that the triggers are still very effective regardless
My siblings and I can't remember most of ours either. It can be disorienting :/
same :/ very much same
Same:/ I can remember being screamed at & the curses but not my crimes. Sometimes with physical rage. Scary. I finally decided I was the scapegoat. Didn't know anything about disorders cptsd but knew plenty about alcohol, the family curse.
Wait you suppose to remember your childhood??
I am glad I am not the only one who cannot remember my childhood
Wow. When you know deep down that your childhood deeply affects you everyday. But you think it's nothing because it didn't involve physical abuse or the extremes of neglect. The traditional types of physical abuse. Then you see that narcissistic parenting, unfairness, inconsistency, conditional love and many more can all be forms of emotional trauma that affect you to this day. All 6 points resonated with me.
or feeling guilty, because physical and mental abuse couldn't be so bad, because it wasn't sexual abuse.
Me too. It's as if a bright light bulb has been shown into dark corners. Resonates with immediate family, extended family, employers, even friends. Holy Wow.
I had them both
I actually couldn’t believe this video. I felt so heard. I felt so out of place like well my trauma isn’t that bad so nothing to heal from but wow I’m fucked up
honestly I feel terrible when I start feeling horrible about my own childhood trauma when other people have gotten hit and it's like I don't deserve to be upset.
"Our parents didn't see us as children. Toxic parents usually see their kids as selfish adults..." I've been thinking this for decades and its good to hear someone else say it. Its a thing.
Me:*crying cause all the stuff feels super relatable*
Him: "and you're watching this video because you're hyper sensitive"
Me: *wiping my eyes* I'm not fucking sensitive.
Ps. Sensitive was my trigger word growing up, constantly mocked by my entire family for my emotional differences.
I feel that, started bawling my eyes out cause people would always tell me i was being unreasonable or crazy because of the way i reacted to certain situations. It always caused me to rip myself apart and question why i did certain things. To actually hear another person say that what happened to me is normal and is not my fault was just great.
I'm already crying
Same!
OMG I deadass said the same..!!!!
Weirdly enough: I fit all of these to some degree, but I can't think of what would have caused the trauma
Neutral feedback drives me NUTS. I’m a perfectionist so when someone is like: “meh” it drives me crazy because I’m constantly trying to be good enough for everyone around me and I feel like I’m always falling short of that.
I'm the same. I put forth the effort, and I expect others to uphold those same expectations..
Guess the feedback I got from a piece of artwork I was working on and I showed a work in progress! He was excited about it but when I showed him the finished product, the friend merely said "and I shaved todayc
I went ballistic! I said its hardly the same achievemtn as me finishing a piece of art and I wanted your reaction to it but instead you tell me you shaved?" Well I told all my friends about it and they didn't understand why I was upset. One friend just started giving their opinion on the art in a forced way and criticism as well as if that's what I wanted. I didn't I was just ranting about the reaction that guy gave as it was his opinion I wanted. I was expecting "wow that's really good" or the likes seen as how he was impressed with the wip. He told me that everything done is an achievment including his shaving. Yeah but it's still not the same thing! And not the point. The point was that I was hoping for a reaction
@@f.k.a1010 yeah I will, thanks
Nobody is perfect
So why do you as a human being believe that you can become this?
Imagining that you can be perfect is actually very grandiose...
@@helenyates3951 Wrong.
Just seeing the words “having someone mad at you/being misunderstood” takes my physical anxiety symptoms to a 10 immediately. My mind feels like it’s in a room full of smoke, my back is throbbing and my legs are restless. And I was fine 2 minutes ago. Wow. Unbelievable.
yes!!!!! I felt a sharp pain in my chest and my heart immediately started pounding just reading those words
s a m e
and like i feel like i know it but i feel like i never realised most of the times about this
i like didn't attend a place for days just to not see that person
So same 😭
Same here. This whole video triggered me, but for the better.
I thought I was dealing fairly well with my childhood trauma until you just described my whole life. Now the way I respond to things all makes sense.
I've been told all my life by everybody in my family and two husbands that I'm " too sensitive." I'm 72 and have finally come to appreciate the kindness and compassion that come with being an HSP.
"Some kids are raged at, to the point they leave their body" wow thanks you for that acknowledgment
the way I still dissociate
me too friend me too
I juzt realized i use to do this when my mom use to rage/lecture me. I thought i was just tuning her out bit now that i recall. I didn't purposely do it. She would say something and i would snap back and answer
I use to go into a rage. I never recognized the person I was. And I was terrified by that person I saw.
I read this at the same time it was stated
For me, I get super triggered when people don’t believe me when I’m telling the truth. I think it stems from trying to tell adults about the abuse I was experiencing as a child and them telling me I was making it up to slander my abusers. Im sure other people experience this, so if y’all have suggestions as to how to cope, please let me know!
My number one and two suggestions ( if you are not already practicing this) is acknowledge to yourself that you cannot control what others do and always tell the truth as best you know it to everyone on every subject. No white lies. As every one around you learns to expect only the truth or silence from you my experience says you will not have to swear or promise anything. You will be believed in general. The good thing Abt this is that it is totally up to you making it doable. It must have been a scary and lonely place to not be believed as a kid it's a great silencer of children --im sorry that happened to you.
@@cynthiawadeson8843 thank you so much for such a thoughtful and helpful response. I’ll take that to heart :)
@@Sophia-ks9yu I'm so glad I was able to pass on something I found helpful in my life. It took me a while to accomplish but when I finally made telling the truth no matter what my personal value my life got so much easier and so much more peaceful. You're so welcome and I'm wishing you ease and peace.
Yep. Another trigger and my emotions get amplified. I even imagine others think I did something but won't say it to my face. Just a little paranoid at times.🙄
Oh do I ever know that problem! To the point at 60 years old, if I tell someone something, my brother will tell them I'm lying. But then he'll turn around a couple of weeks or months later and say the exact same thing I said. Smh.
Thank god I’ve been in therapy - all of these made my skin crawl - no wonder I was a heroin addict until age 56- 18 months clean now
Awesome. 💕Congratulations!!
God bless you.
Know that you are loved .
Congrats!!!!!!
congratulations! addiction is so incredibly difficult to overcome, you should proud of yourself. i wish you all the best in life
Woohooo thats some good news, i hope you're doing well. Sending you lots of love and strength ❤
This video has reframed my entire life. Things I’d never thought about or connected before. Silly things like I’m always pestering my husband asking if he’s alright, for no reason. I always need to know everyone is ok and if someone is quiet I assume it’s my fault even when I know I haven’t done anything
I dont like the quiet part either..its because of silent treatment i experienced as a kid ans also later from my ex-bf
It’s like what’s wrong did I do something?
I don’t think I did? 🤦🏾♀️
Did I say something?
(Now, I’m in head, & my man on the bike can go hunty) 😩😂
🫢Mad or Misunderstood
Wow, & that’s where the people pleasing comes from….
My mom would say growing up:
“Dont make your issue, my issue”
“Use your resources, figure it out”
“Your gonna be just like your mother”
(Teenage yrs esp, I moved a lot)
(Adopted -Mother was on drugs)
This happened to me too. No joke. ❤
I also saw his recommendation and approach Dr Oyalo for the herbs on RUclips. The herbs has so far work positive on my child’s eye contacts and speech improvement. My child social skill is good now and response to name has improved too
YES!!!! ME TOO!!!! And I get INFURIATED at myself because I find myself asking myself if I'm ok at random parts of the day. I thought I was the only one!
I’m hypersensitive. My eldest is early adolescent age, and can be quiet sometimes. I have to stop myself from asking if he’s ok, or trying to cheer him up, just because he’s being quiet 🤦🏽♀️
I realised this is exactly how I interacted with my mother, always trying to lighten the mood and make her happy as a kid.
YES!!
AHHH, *that* is a very interesting and on point connection! Thank you for sharing that, something with my own daughter just fell into place.
Huh my half sister was like that with me and now with her daughter and it makes sense because her mom would get irrationally upset over the most ridiculous things and punish my sisters by neglecting them. Now my sister gets worried when her daughter is quiet or just thinking that she might secretly be upset
🤯
I do that with my husband I’ve noticed when he’s quiet I always ask if he’s upset with me or something. Cause I tend to get quiet and shut down if I’m upset or something and then I don’t want to talk or want to be left alone. I wonder if I’m just hypersensitive
this is like free therapy!!
Well, if you believe in the afterlife, he's "earned his wings" with his compassion !
The Americans laugh, the actual 1st country people recoil in confused horror and laugh in an awkward understanding.
Right!?
Yessssss. Soak it in. Lol
You’re so pretty🥺
This is literally what I needed to hear. Im 23 and I’m a lost puppy in this world I have no idea why I feel like such a failure all the time watching this video has really opened my eyes.
You are still young enough to get the therapy you need to really have and enjoy your life...please do so and know you'll be carrying the light forward for all of us that it is too late for....Blessings
Same! I'm 26, almost 27 lol!
i am 44 and still going through this. You are young so you can get the right therapy for yourself
Hi you must be my twin
At least you have your youth and good looks on your side that's a huge Plus
The part about toxic parents seeing their kids as selfish adults really resonates with me. I can remember since I was pretty young and through all of my life really my dad would talk to me, sometime lecturing at length, about one thing or another that I should do. He always treated me like I had to plan ahead but I was already a disfunctional kid who had no understanding or care of future and planning. Sometimes he would talk to me out of anger and impatience, sometimes out of being a superior know-it-all who had to prove how much he knew. He had a tendency to go on and on when talking to me like that and he often had a monotone voice and would tell me much more than a child could really handle or remember. I would get more and more disconnected and upset as his lecture droned on and I felt like I was going to cry so often. I felt stupid and lost because I couldn't keep track of what he was saying and I didn't like what he was talking about.
He still does that thing where he will tell me I should try doing one thing or another and they're mostly terrible ideas that really make me feel like he never knew me. I still hate it, I don't feel like a person, I just feel like a thing that has to move to some goal that I don't care about. I feel dehumanised and like I'm dying when he keeps talking. My mum does the same sort of thing but in her own messed up way.
It's an absolute soul killer to listen to that, I shut down very quickly and don't want to talk to them. It's something that makes me not want them to come around. There are other times they come over and the conversation is more down to earth and they act more like normal people, that makes me enjoy their company.
I don't think they'll ever be able to grow beyond their own messed up childhoods, not in this lifetime. That's something that really makes me despair for myself and for people in general. I see so much disfunction around me, in the world, still going on. Abuse and disfunction that has been going again and again within families, from which very few people seem to be able to break out of it and stop from happening, to improve things for their children. It makes me feel like almost everyone around me is trapped in unawareness and negativity and hurt and I don't want to be exposed to most people because it scares me to think about dealing with any more of what I already have in side.
Reality feels kind of terrible.
I completely get what you’re saying 😢
I feel every word of this in my heart.
Thanks for putting your experience into words so well - I felt dehumanized growing up also, being molded for a future with a soulless corporate job, in a soulless society, with no room for autonomy or being.
Of course, that's the reality for a lot of people in this world. It's really inhuman.
But I'm hopeful that we might be able to turn it around, giving the growing awareness of these issues, how to recover from them, and how to gain back our autonomy.
As we recover, maybe we can begin to build a better world...
I find myself almost "mourning" what should have been a healthy childhood. It's hard to explain but the more I learn how to heal the more sadness I feel about the reality I lived through. Anyways, thank you for putting into words what I never could ♡
Edit: Reading everyone's responses really moved me, I truly hope we can one day overcome the sadness and/or anger we carry. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone, but also thank you for reminding each other that you're not alone🤍
I feel where you are coming from. Thank you for sharing.
Allow yourself to mourn it, please. The realisation is painful; so with your future, treat yourself, healthily, to what you deserved when you were a kid in your social relationships. Don't stand for anything less than the dignified, loving treatment and experiences you deserved.
I feel you, I’m sad for kid me that I had a not so happy childhood, I’m sad about all the possibilities I had that have been ruined by trauma,
Me too Y R. Me too.
I not only mourn the kid me, I get angry that I wasn’t guided properly. I was handed a bunch of emotional issues, low self esteem, not knowing or understanding what boundaries to set so I wasn’t abused or taken advantage of. Set up to fail in life by the very people who were supposed protect me. It makes me mad. I try not to dwell. I have and continue to struggle with feeling worthy, standing up straight. I always thought of myself as a chameleon. I can blend unnoticed into any situation. I blend into the wall.
i cried because this is real. i’m not making things up or being “a baby”. this is real. my experiences are real. my feelings are real.
edit: added quotation marks.
I think all abused children go through this, but especially as women we are always taught that we're crazy, manipulative, making things up, exaggerating. And I understand exactly the relief you feel!
@@KD-ou2np , all abused children go through what?
I did too. ((hugs))
it feels good to cry and release the hurt
@@handsomejack7901 lol don’t talk about shallow when you have “handsome” before your name, and this isn’t the first sad comment you’ve made on this video. You need to talk to someone in real life instead of spreading misery online
“Our parents didn’t see us as children. Toxic parents usually see their kids as selfish adults who are making choices at their expense.” Omg 🤭 I feel this one so deeply.
"Why did you try to make a grilled cheese by putting cheese and bread in the toaster at 5 years old?" Better question: Why was I trying to make my own grilled cheese at 5 years old?
Yes, this was the sentence that blew my mind. 🤯🤯🤯
I felt this a lot as a child and I went without A LOT….but I have to say I never saw them without alcohol or cigarettes…..backwards priorities all the way! They fell under self absorbed parents for sure!
Oh yes😢
yes!!! i played this part back...ive always felt that but didnt know how to express it in words!
Regarding 6+5, I think, maybe with me in particular, it's like a mixture. I am resentful of thoughtful and oblivious people because I'm angry that they can (seemingly) get away with it whereas it feels like I am punished excessively for any sort of mistake.
I was shouted at for crying one time as a child and till this day, i struggle with vulnerability and crying.
I was told to stop coughing when I was home sick from school. I feel you.
How old were you?
@@TaraHower me? I believe it was when I had bronchitis in 4th grade, so 9.
"Ill give you something to cry about"
Then getting beat. Our parents were so emotionally immature and out of touch with their own emotions
:*(
I feel your pain. Had similar issues .. it often takes a lot of time to be able to understand our authentic expression of emotions. In time you can do this!!!
“Toxic parents did not see us as children, but as selfish adults making choices at their expense.” I am super grateful you found the words to explain this, because…Yes! The treatment was as a if my mere existence was ruining her life. Like I should have came out the womb knowing how to care for myself. Tried so hard to know and be better for her, to no avail. Whether I did something right or wrong, it was never good enough. As a child, When I didn’t know things instead of helping she would shame or tease or embarrass me for my ignorance or just take the whole situation over with complete frustration complaining about my incompetence and repeating how I am lucky to have her. Childhood was snatched right from under my feet. What I knew about myself was that I needed to be better for her. One time I mentioned turning 18 and living my own life. To which she replied, “No, you owe me!”I swear in that moment the room started spinning 😂… Thank God, i finally made it out at 28
Bless your heart! I’m so sorry that she was incapable of seeing and appreciating the gift that you were and are not just to her but to the world! May God bless you to heal completely. It takes time.
Every parent I worked with in the CPS system
Fucking hell! Honoured to have given you your one hundredth “like” 🤣🤣🤣
You fucking deserve it mate.....you’re a magnificent SURVIVOR! 🖖
That’s so sad! So glad you made it out!!! I physically got out at 21 but it took me over 10 years to realise that I didn’t owe her anything!! Well done on getting out and for being on your healing journey x
Much of your comment reads like my mother's attitude toward me, I did everything wrong even when I did right. Made me freeze whenever I did anything, nothing I did was ever right let alone good enough. I escaped the day she died at her age of 64. I am happy for you that you made it out sooner🤗Thank you for your comment💕
Growing up, I was taught that, "When you're angry, you're automatically wrong." My parents never helped me process anger, and so when it flares up suddenly, as it does quite often, I have a hard time controlling it.
I have a hard time accepting whether I had childhood trauma or not.. but a lot of this resonates with me. Thank you so much for your experience and reaching out to help countless strangers online. It's a beautiful work you do.
I don't like to consider myself traumatized, because nothing really happened to me and it feels unfair to kids who had it far worse. But everything one of the things he describes here is something I still struggle with. I used to be a lot worse but as he mentions, I developed a belief system based on being brave enough to risk being wrong, to risk taking care of myself, to risk being happy, and adopting a dog attitude that I will help people as much as I am able to, but if it's beyond my ability to control, I'm within my rights to not give a damn. Hand wringing about the impossible only distracts you from what you CAN do. Paradoxically, the more of an asshole I am, the more energy I have to give attention to the people who really deserve it. I think this is why women drop the nice guy in favor of the Chad every time, so the meme goes; as a lifelong nice guy, I can say from experience that it was all about making myself I invisible and harmless and hoping for someone to mind-read that I'm actually terrified; when I did meet a nice girl who really liked me, I ghosted her, because I was so busy writing about myself that I just didn't have the space to even think about her, let alone help her with anything.
I don't know if I'm traumatized per se, I'm more upset about the things that DIDN'T happen, the lessons I didn't learn when I was still a child, that I had to brute force my way into learning as an adult. The more I get adept at life, the more I question, what were mom and dad DOING all those years?! This is some BASIC BASIC shit that I'm only just now learning, and it's easy now that I know it, and they never had the ability to just take one day to teach me it? It's not so much triggering anymore, but just retroactively really disappointing.
@@samwallaceart288 honestly, same... You should search more about emotional neglect, it's a real thing (and at least for me it resonates a lot). Also, trauma is trauma! Just because people had worse experiences doesn't invalidate yours!
I sometimes have trouble processing anger as well. I just turned 24 and still struggle with a short temper, and I feel helpless and like I cannot control it sometimes. But I’m working on it, and I know it stems from a lot of toxic, aggressive parenting from both of my parents, especially my dad. It wasn’t my fault as a child since I was aggressive back to them in self-defense, and it doesn’t just switch off in adulthood. It takes time and effort to unlearn it, as well as self-compassion. Being hard on yourself doesn’t help (easier said than done, I know).
Yeah... My mom taught me that giving an angry response because she got unreasonably angry automatically makes me wrong cause she's the parent and I shouldn't go against her (basically her way of saying that I should be submissive with her, and that whatever the issue it's always my fault, and all my family agrees with her), and that crying cause I was upset for whatever reason is bad because I shouldn't be so upset to the point of crying (and she would slap me to "give me a reason to cry" if I didn't stop crying), so nowadays I don't feel comfortable expressing most sort of emotions in public, specially negative ones, and I try to suppress it as much as I can, and I'm really bad with confrontation because I always go back to the submissive state my mom caused. (and she wonders why I can never stand up for myself at school, I wonder why mom?)
@@gabrielabatista6016 Sheer stubbornness is what's needed. The stubborn certainty that if I _engage,_ I can figure out a way forward. I will make mistakes, and I will stubbornly continue to make mistakes, and I will develop an intuition for solving those mistakes, because I can. Thinking doesn't fix it, just stumble forward and keep doing things, I will get the hang of it.
Keep going.
This is so on point! I am 55 and still can't say no, extremely bothered by other people's moods, irresponsibilities, just everything. Thank you. I have to listen to this one over and over
Same here at 56.
I am 55 and I am the same
I also saw his recommendation and approach Dr Oyalo for the herbs on RUclips. The herbs has so far work positive on my child’s eye contacts and speech improvement. My child social skill is good now and response to name has improved too
Im 27 and same
I get so annoyed with people being oblivious and thoughtless. I never realized this could be a trigger but looking back at being ignored my whole childhood and only acknowledged when I did something wrong is definitely why I get so enraged.
felt that. i cant stand oblivious/thoughtless people like bro come on
@@witr.7241 I'm happy I'm not alone. I always wondered why I was so intolerant.
Literally same it’s sooo triggering like where is ur head at??? And I want to detach my emotions so I don’t have that reaction now but idk how😭 sending u healing
I can relate to this so much
Wow okay now I understand why I feel so annoyed... It's still annoying tho...
This video made me realize how severely traumatic my childhood was.
@77ranko Oh yes, and once I heard about it, I couldn't stop reading about it to educate myself, I have several book and a Scribd account. I am learning to heal.
Def stick around this channel! Also check out crappy childhood fairy ✌️
@@tuesdayskittens Yes, and Gabor Mate!
Forget Crappy Fairy, look for the experts whom chappy fairy gets her info from. Try Janina Fisher, you'll understand yourself much better, and Bessel Van der Kolk.
Same, to think people don't have at least one trauma mentioned is... mind-blowing
"it's not safe for people to be mad at us"
This is a huge realization!!
It's such an odd disconnect, though.
like, growing up whenever someone was mad at me, i was either screamed at and insulted and lost possessions, or was about to be in a lot of pain: bruised, bloody, pinned to the floor, and crying.
but as an adult (thanks to training) if someone physically attacked me i would react and fight back without even thinking about it. i'm not afraid of the actual physical violence anymore, but yet i am still absolutely terrified of the anger? and the threat of violence? I don't understand.
I’m literally balling thinking about how true that is for me.
😢 now I understand why I got a panick attack when my mother in law got furious at me for something stupid.
@@saionjisan Same here
Me too! And I genuinely just realized when I started feeling like that as an adult 😔 Sad lightbulb moment.
Parents saw me as a selfish adult - that's such an eye-opener! And explains a lot! I'm living with this understanding for just two days now and it is a game changer already. Now I understand that I was raised to be a parent for my parents since I was 4 years old. It's so unfair to do something like that to a child... It's so absurd that it hurts. Thank you so much for the content. It helps a lot❤
Same here - and it was probably earlier than 4 years old - that's just how far back our memories go... I felt like a puppet having to assuage my parents' wounds from as far back as I can remember. I do feel more compassion for them now, after understanding what they went through, but am still trying to unburden myself from that responsibility.
I knew my mom had trauma just by hearing stories about her childhood. It was so good seeing this video because I understand more why she is the way she is. I don’t believe that excuses her behavior, but it explains it. Thank you for this.
Same. But it doesn't mean I will allow her to have another moment of my time.
"Our parents didn't see is as children." As a former parentified child, that one really hits home--having the agency of a child but the responsibilities of an adult, and the anger that followed if I didn't live up to those responsibilities. I was also an adult before I realized that other people "travelled out of their bodies" in the face of anger.
You just described every Asian household.
I love the way you described miserable people at the end
Yessss so true
@@lucifermorningstar1902 RIGHT
I wasn't parentified but hit this stage of my life when adults would refuse to help me, insisting I do everything all by myself like a big girl but would get annoyed if I asked them for help as I was still learning. I understand, there was a baby in the family and my mother was tired but still. Plus, I was constantly reminded that I was only a kid whenever I stepped up to help the grown-ups voluntarily. I don't think it was bad of my parents to encourage independence, I only wish they hadn't acted so impatient during the learning process.
This has opened my eyes so much, its strange that my parent had such good intentions but accidentally traumatised me from being so depressed. I always thought it was part of my natural personality to be sensitive, shy, giving and considerate but... Perhaps not. That's likely why it makes me so angry when other people are not.
Yes, this. My mom was extremely depressed while I was growing up and it took some time to realize that It might just have made me into the very "quiet, mature, responsible, kind" child that I was. I only received praise in that state..
My mom was depressed when she got me and my brother while at the same time working her ass off. I didn't know it could be because of that
omg the anger thing I totally get
I get so angry with people who just ignore others and don't try to help anyone at all and Idk I can't pinpoint it but it makes me want to strangle them
My mom might not be depressed but ya know growing up in a religious household in the 75-90era does not make her a great candidate for good mental heath
This makes me feel better. I have such a hard time with people who aren’t considerate or even aware of what’s going on around them. I’ve ALWAYS been aware. But I do think that’s from my trauma.
I'm glad I found these videos. The crappy part is, trying like hell to heal an inner child while dealing with depression and ADHD and knowing I have created trauma for my own kids because I had no idea I was so broken. Thankfully I have open communication with them and let them know I'm 💯 here to help heal whatever I broke so they don't have to figure it out as an adult like I am. 🥺
Don’t beat yourself up today, for what you didn’t know yesterday.
It's taken me 60 yrs. Don't feel bad for what you'd never had so didn't know 😊
I've said sorry for the times I got it wrong and my 3 amazing human beings know how much I love them and always have. I think understanding what their Mum endured has helped the healing and I thank God they've not repeated history, somehow I managed to break the cycle.
I also saw his recommendation and approach Dr Oyalo for the herbs on RUclips. The herbs has so far work positive on my child’s eye contacts and speech improvement. My child social skill is good now and response to name has improved too
I wish I had a mom like you.
The "mind reading" one is so on point with my mother!
"Do you want me to help you clean that room?"
"No, I got it."
*20 minutes later*
"I JUST finished cleaning that room all by myself! It took forever! It wouldn't hurt you to offer some help sometimes!! You're so lazy!"
She also keeps shit bottled up until it explodes in your face at random times. You could say one thing one day, and she'd completely agree and sympathize with it. Then maybe two weeks later, you'd bring up the exact same point; and she'll bite your head off. The inconsistency gave me so much anxiety when I lived with her.
same. and then it turns into something wrong about me, when i would have been happy to help if I had just been asked to do so
She sounds like my grandmother. If you can, stay away from her. Mother or not. My dad is 67 and still lives with his mother. She has ruined him. He ruined me and my siblings. I no longer have contact with either him or her.
@@justsojourning Good for you for staying away from people you don't need in your life. My relationship with my mother is complicated, out of my two parents, she's most definitely the saner one - my dad was borderline dangerous and has a personality disorder we can't quite pin down. My mother, my sister and I; banded together to get each other through the times we lived with him. My mother tries her best, but has a fair share of trauma and personality quirks/faults that sometimes lead to poor parental/social decisions. I see what you're saying, and I currently live away from her. But I can't exactly drop her like a sack of potatoes.
Literally my mom
Oh they LOVE Ammo to shoot right in the head w. Its disgusting I cut my mom off because she started her 💩 again. As an adult I cant deal any more I'm so done never really shared much and always tried to protect those around me by limiting their w her. She Only treats females bad like she will never talk to brother or do these things to him. It's weird
“Some people struggle with x , INCLUDING MYSELF” I don’t know why that “including yourself” part feels very comforting. Not because I’m glad you are struggling with that but because I feel like you can actually understand us.
Exactly. I wanted to hug him.
The fact he can relate to the rest of us is very comforting for me as well. It feels like he's in it with us rather than helping us from high up on a pedestal.
I did therapy with Patrick - he's very supportive and compassionate and he has been in therapy. It's also really reassuring knowing that it's possible to become a functional person even if parents mess us up in the beginning..
Me: I don’t have trauma, that’s not a thing in my life, I’m just really sensitive
Patrick: Are you sure about that?
Exactly. Thank you Patrick!!! ♡
Its ok to be sensitive, bu don't judge and make assumptions about people. Speak up if something bothers you, but be open and be open to dialog. For example,
I am distracted and maybe forget to do things, but i don't do it on purpose. Sometimes i dissociate. My ex reacted as i was a rude selfish b***h. ....
@@Hollyhock7 right, I don't remember much of my childhood and I can't pinpoint any trauma, maybe I was always just a sensitive kid. My siblings don't seem to have picked it up and don't seem to deal with the same trauma I did.
My childhood lasted into my 30s when I started receiving "reality" checks from others that my mother was really was mean and awful (not my fault). And I finally escaped her control.
Whenever you describe the things the parents did, I realize that those were all the things my best friend did to me growing up. She was super abusive and I think it’s important to recognize that childhood trauma doesn’t always come from your parents.
I definitely have trauma from a friend who would put me down for being quiet and shy and weird but then when I started coming out of my shell a d making other friends it was always "you've changed" "you've turned into such a bitch". It really upset me.
@@rebeccaf2649 whenever I disagreed with my friend, over any small thing, she threw a huge fit and told everybody in our grade lies about why we were fighting so that nobody would talk to me until I apologized to her. She literally isolated me so that I was forced to cave. It fucking sucked.
yes! similar experience for me too, and siblings as well!
You should read "Hold Onto Your Kids"... it talks about how the school system encourages peer-orientation and that in the absence of parental leadership, we look to our peers. It's fascinating and makes you rethink the whole idea of socialization in schools being so important.
Yeah I definitely have childhood trauma from my friends and at school not so much from my parents. Although I did wish they knew what was going on with me when I was younger.
I've realized in my later life I craved control because I never had it growing up. Everything was uprooted, broken, or taken from me and I could never do anything because I was young and depended on my parents. Security was scarce in youth so I craved it as an adult
I do the same thing and it sucks
Wow same 🥲
Me too
I feel this so much. My mom was emotionally neglectful and only really paid attn to me when I was doing something "wrong". She said she never wanted kids, but had 5. I truly believe she sabotaged me early in life. I wanted to go to the Army when I graduated from hs. She knew I was doing all the stuff to make that happen (did great on ASVAB and did MEPS), but refused to sign the paperwork (was 17 at the time). I later heard her kinda brag how she wouldn't allow her kids to go to the military. She treats me like I'm her "best friend" (frenemy) instead of a daughter.
@@msharic85 feel like your talking about my mother! Bless you I hope you have a wonderful life 😘
For me, positive feedback feels like pressure. Like oh, I did that well? What about it did that person like? How do I maintain what I just did? Oh no theyre still watching me, now I'm over thinking and I'm probably not doing as well
You spoke well. I'm proud of you, and sincerely hope for your sake that you continue to improve at this. 😌
Literally same, I get so caught up in my head so because I do well the next time I do it I mess up.
Yea it’s like, if I mess up am I not good enough anymore? Which I’ve started to say o-o ‘wow I’m not fucking something up 🤩 yay me’
Usually I think that I did worse at something then I really did. I usually tense up when my parents mention my grades.
"Not seeing us as children, but as adults makign choices at thier expense" dear god... I remember being five and having my father scream at me for something, telling me I'm ruining his day, asking why I'd do that, and then demand to know why I'm crying.
I said "you hurt my feelings"
He said "Well you hurt my feelings! You hurt my feelings by crying right now, how do you think that makes me feel?!"
By second grade i was use to hearing this, but so many times this was the case.
My mom asks me why I'm so observant and thoughtful when giving her advice. And I never tell her this but it was because of her. I had to watch her body language and guess what she was thinking to know if I could be around her or avoid her and predict if her mind was gonna swing soon. I had to watch how other people were around her and how she would respond to it because I didn't want it to be taken on out on me. She always had depression and I also developed depression and anxiety as a child. It's genetic, but because she didn't have a hold of her mental health, I had to keep an eye on hers to avoid the backlash, and sometime try to do things to mend her mood. I think I developed some manipulative habits from trying to act more cute and more "caring" like by giving her tissues and holding her hand when she cried to try defusing her bomb, but as I got older that didn't work very well and instead she would blow up on me. While it now seems like a gift to be so observant and to be able to get into someones head, It's actually a habit and comes from a survival instinct. A blessing and a curse.
Man I can REALLY relate to this comment. No one in my small town knew this, but in my 20s, my mom was diagnosed with DID. Her PCP shared this with me when he discovered it. Remember, in the '80s HIPAA wasn't really a thing. Like you, I had to wait see which mom I was going to be dealing with at any given moment. I'm sending this comment at the risk of it being construed as a one up to yours. Please don't take it as that. Your experience was REAL & traumatic. I see each of our experiences on the same level of difficulty. Frankly, my experience might have been a little easier than yours because at least I had some other moms to step in & comfort me after the rage of the mean mom. Her other personalities were delightful. But I had to dance around the scary one it & mold my responses to her behavior. Like you, I see that it has given me adaptation skills (on a superpower level....lol) that I have found quite useful in my adult life. Sadly, Mom spent her last year in hospice due to leukemia. Her erratic behavior there led her doctors to dig into her past records where they discovered that hidden DID diagnosis which helped them understand & love & treat her accordingly during her final months. I had purposely disconnected from her 10 years prior so that I could focus on raising my autistic daughter while also dealing with MS & visual impairment from glaucoma. I'm talking white cane visual impairment. Those adaptation skills came in quite handy with my illnesses as well as my daughter's. The personality of my mom that I dealt with while she was in hospice was her core personality....the loving mom. Surprisingly, she told me I had done the right thing by disconnecting with her & my other siblings & she encouraged me NOT to reconnect with them. She revealed that 1 of them was interested in acquiring adult guardianship of me as well as my daughter for the purpose of having control over our SSD funds. I already knew this but to hear it from her let me know that I was speaking to a sane person & that my hunches were not INsane. She was out for my best interest. She also encouraged me NOT to let my siblings know that she & I were back in contact. One of them consistently posted on her FB things like "Mom so desperately wants to speak with Betsy before she dies". Mom & I got a chuckle out of that. I really had to trust that Mom's vicious personality wasn't going to reveal our reconnection to my siblings. I know I was taking a chance. But during that time I felt like I had a strong medical support system that would not give the okay to anyone trying to acquire guardianship of me or my daughter. Prior to reconnecting with Mom I had no intention of mending fences with my siblings. Not out of any sort of ill will but out of protection of myself & my daughter. When I did the cut off from them, I did it with a short, loving, concise (hard to believe I can be concise after this comment, right?) letter I copied to each of them. "I must resign as family peacemaker so that I can give all of my energy to raising Rachel. I feel your behavior is toxic to us & I must disconnect. This is not about ill feelings or hatred towards you but about love for my daughter & myself. I love each of you dearly & wish you the best. Love, Betsy" . I'm sure there may be better ways to write a letter like that. Looking back I think it came off as me being the mentally healthy one and them being the bad guys. I did the best I could then with the understanding I had then. They're probably ISN'T a good way to write a letter like that. When we set out to do the work to heal ourselves.....when we really LOOK at the situation..... It can read like a Lifetime movie, can't it? But kudos to all of us who are here because we CHOOSE to to do that work...for ourselves & future generations. My current therapist recommended Patrick's RUclips channel to me. After a few videos I texted her and jokingly told her she was fired because Patrick was giving me all I needed. She and I have a good rapport that way. She's working with me on quite a few issues but when it comes to family dysfunction problems, I've never been able to find anyone who could help me do that work any better than Patrick Teahan. I mean this guy is really making me WORK. I feel it's safe to say he is helping a thousands of people. I wonder if he knows just how far reaching his coaching is.
@@betsylaughs My mom was also loving when she could be, and my siblings are a lot older than me so they understand me and would visit often. It wasn't all bad my mom could always pull herself together by the end of the day to tell me she loved me. I don't blame her. She's been helping me with my mental health even. You seemed to have a bit hectic life, but both of our expressions seemed to give us superpowers. :)
Wow this could’ve been me writing this…..The irony of both our names on here!!!!
@@DemonicMonic I am sorry but this sounds horrible. Your mom was abusive throughout the day, but then told you she "loved you" at the end of the day. Love isnt just words, its actions. How confusing to have your mom act so unloving towards you, and then claim that she loved you. This sounds like a method of torture.
That cute and ‘caring’ behavior is called Fawning. Fight, Flight, or Fawn. Hugs to you.
My parents were upset that I didn’t do ‘kid stuff’ like hang out with friends etc. as soon as I would do that, they’d turn around and suddenly I need to be acting more mature
I loved reading and they told me I needed to put the book down and try other things. I did, and suddenly I was told I was lazy and didn’t have the brain power to read anymore
My parents told them to come to them if I was having problems, but as soon as I did they yelled at me and told me I should be able to do that or deal with it by myself
:/
That sounds familiar.
Sounds like 2 narcissistic parents… that sucks, you can never do it right with a narcissist. I have a narcissistic dad and it drove me crazy as I grew older, to see clearly how he would flipflop on his stances and what he wanted from me. Somehow it didn’t matter, everything was wrong and I would be ridiculed for any little thing. I remember the frustration of trying to listen to him and trying to get on his good side, and never succeeding. It’s hard to see clearly and believe that it isn’t about you and what you do, it’s about them and how nothing will be good enough for them. I feel ya!
The classic double bind, when you can't do anything right, if you are inside why aren't you outside. You/I grew up with 1,000 rules in your head. And the by products are self sabotage, procrastination, shutting down
For me, my parents never take me anywhere and are always busy or not up to taking me out. Going places other than a church or school stuff is rare. (I'm homeschooled so that sucks.) they often try to push for me to be friends with their friend's kids or the kids at church but I relate to none of them and the relationship always fails because I can't uphold it or hang out. “You're an extrovert just go talk to them!” I think they broke me. I gave up with good deep friendships and now go into obsessive fantasy relationships instead. And yet they still push me to make friends and ask me why I don't. And when I tell them that they never take me anywhere they say I never asked. But when I do ask or tell them, “hey I wanna go swimming! Hey I wanna go hiking” they are like, “okay, maybe later not now I'm too tired.”
Later never comes. And the RARE few times I get to hang out with friends, I can't communicate with them because I don't have a paid phone because my parents say I don't need it. And then they get frustrated when I can't properly communicate with my friends. It's a whole fucking cycle. And I'm sick of it. What's the point anymore?
@@artscraftsgaming7169 that sounds really really frustrating! Depending on how old you are, you will enjoy life a lot more once you’re free from your parents! If you can hold on until then? And are you not alowed to have a hobby or play a sport? That might be a way to make friends and get out of the house. Being homeschooled isn’t helping… if your parents won’t listen to you, maybe you can write them a long letter or something, tell them how sick you are of your situation right now. I don’t know. But they should take you seriously and listen to you. You can’t choose your parents sadly, I wish you all the best and I hope your parents see you for who you are and what you need.
I have been the parent that has seen my child as an adult, rather than a child. I'm a victim of familial abuse (not just my parents), and I can see myself projecting some of my unresolved issues on my child.. This really gave me pause and insight on that. Gotta break the trauma cycle and start somewhere. Thanks for this 💕
Hey, I'm a random girl on the internet, 19 years old. As someone that's had difficulties growing up, especially with getting into blow-ups with my father, thanks for making an effort to be better. I try telling my dad that maybe he could use some help, seeing as he has anger management issues (in my opinion at least) which usually ends up with me getting angered quickly bc of my ADHD, and all of that combined turns into awful verbal arguments between me and him. If he were to ever take the step ur now actively taking, I'd be so proud of him. Therefore, I wanted to let you know: I'm really proud of YOU. You're doing something some parents won't. Realizing things some parents refuse to think about. Mending wounds some parents allow to keep bleeding, which often leads to their children having their own hurt to mend as adults. So thank you. As a kid of a parent that won't get that help, or realize that problem, it means a lot to see people in this comment section opening up to changing their pattern of behaviour. You and all the other parents here are awesome for it. I bet you'll get through it, and I truly hope you heal from your own hurt. I don't know u, but I love u. You got this!!
It's really hard, but I totally understand! I am a teacher, and I still find it hard to separate my personal experience from the typical childhood experience. I always engage in internal dialogue along the lines of "when I was that age I already knew this" or "when I was younger I never would've done something like this". I really wish you the best, it is a hard line to walk trying to not treat your child like an adult, and not treat children as if they are not individuals.
@@AnonANGL As a 35 yr old woman whose father didn't get help, I'll let you in on what actually did help him: It was ME reaching out to him and acknowledging that he did the best he could for me, telling him that I value the lessons he taught me (even if they came out in really negative and damaging ways), and telling him how much he means to me. Parents are just grown children with their own set of problems, and you can't help someone by fighting them. Show him that you appreciate him and be sincere, show him love and don't be pushy, because likely you are pushing against wounds he carries and causing him more pain too, especially when you lay all the burden onto him because he is your parent and "supposed to be the one in charge". Approach him as a friend you love, with compassion, and you may be surprised at what develops.
@@roflpill This also seems like #4 mentioned in this video by appealing to a person who needs anger management- like training can be dangerous. It is not my intention to attack your opinion, I just wanted to share another perspective I respect your posts tone of positivity that has to come from an amazing person.
People do a lot of talking and their actions never match their words. You’re not actually going to change just because you watched a video. You’ve already traumatized your child. Both of you should be in individual therapy.
You’ve just summed up my whole inner child. I lived in complete fear of my father blowing up in a narcissistic rage and being punished with a leather belt, I’d I spoke up framed as talking back. To this day, my body reacts when people yell. I’ve gone no contact with my siblings and I’ve never felt more calm. Thank you for this entire posts. Think I’ll head out to the sandbox and build my own castle. 😅🏰
This is exactly my life summed up. Belt whippings, being called the only foolish child, not ever being expected to do anything right even today, feeling insignificant, being shouted at. I literally still run away when I'm yelled at.
you deserve your own castle, monarch 👑
I realized a long time ago a childhood “trauma” I have- and that’s being ignored or not listened to when I talk. If I say something and get no reaction or even a “hmm” to acknowledged that I even talked gets me SUPER triggered. If it’s a group conversation when I try to contribute again and again and keep being cut off- it’s even worse.
I was the youngest child by a big gap, and I was constantly ignored even when I had something important to say and even when I was already 16.
Me too! My closest in age sibling is 10 years older, and I was often butted out of conversations. I'd keep trying to talk, but no one valued what I was trying to say because I was too young. Now if someone's not listening to me, I just give up. Sometimes I would passive aggressively just not talk to see if anyone would ask my opinion, and then get my heart shattered when no one ever asked.
@@damienshort7283 heh, don’t know if it’s a Good or bad thing, when it happens with me I can sometimes snap. Even when I’m with friends. I’m not very good at hiding my emotions 😂
I too have youngest child syndrome. I will absolutely loose my mind if someone cuts me off..especially when I continue talking and they also continue talking after they cut me off as if I were never speaking, the conversation is now over since I no longer feel like my opinion is valued. I will not say a word afterwards, and in fact I start to visibility show how uninterested I am by not looking then in the face anymore and not showing emotions. Most of the time I feel like people are talking at me as if I'm a brick wall that they're using me to get everything off their chest, and I'm just supposed to sit there and absorb all their pain for them. Hence the reason I am super introverted. I feel like I have such a great personality that I have to hide from to world because no one will even listen to me.
This is 100% me, except I am the oldest and my brother and sister are close in age. If I wanted to be acknowledged at all when it came to decisions (which I felt like I needed to be a part of because I was a parentified child) you had to yell and get angry to be taken seriously. So I still struggle with getting angry whenever someone ignores me, but it has made it easier since I deleted all my social media apps off of my phone and rarely go on them anymore.
same :( i'm the youngest child (16y) and it makes u feel invisible, stupid and like u don't matter. I'm fcking tired of it
growing up, i never understood that i was being neglected and abused. i thought all families were like mine. i thought that hurting someone was a sign of love. now i realize i don’t even know what love is
I think you definitely know what love isn't. ❤️
Same
@@Lara77473 thats a start!
Same
the way old folks in my country call hitting someone is a sign of love because if they hate you, they'll ignore you. gaslighting at its finest
My mother started getting mad at me when I began taking my own decisions, the clothes I liked, getting away from religion, my own body (and what I ate and how much, fun fact she has problems accepting herself), my career, not wanting to get married or having children... It has been a horrible experience, it took me a while to realize that she somehow can't stand me being so different and taking a different route. My sister on the other hand , is praised because she is following the same path as my mother did, her husband is actually very similar to my father in his behaviour. Even the way she speaks is very similar to that of my mom's. Nowadays I learned to keep things to myself, but that's hurting me as well as I want a mother to talk to without feeling like I'm doing something wrong and I will be punished or ignored for days. I want a mom.
I want a Mom too. Believe me. I feel lots of judgment from my Mom. She can’t say anything positive about me. She can’t be proud of me. But at this point…. I’m better off without her. I want to put up a “Mom wanted” sign
@@reneepetrie15 you know, I was feeling very depressed that day, I'm a little better now, I hope you can feel better too, and I guess the rest is left to us really, trying to go to therapy and not doing the same mistakes (if we have children too). It's unfair that we have to manage the mess of others, but it's up to us to cut with that toxic behaviour or we are condemned to make a vicious cycle out of it. I really hope you and I and everyone here gets a chance to feel better with themselves. We deserve it.
This is my fear for my God daughter.
Her mom went thru so much childhood trauma that she can't see that in many ways, her eldest daughter is just like her.
Because my friend can't see her own trauma, she doesn't see that she's reacting to her daughters same trauma.
All I can do is try my best to be there for both of them.
My friend is a great mom, baring this one trait. I try to be the best aunt that I can be to soften this for my God daughter.
I have gone through the same. It's is very hard grieving a relationship you should be able to have.
Wish I could be the mom of everyone in this comment section.. I'm so sad reading everyone's stories here. Also makes me sad not being able to help you all...
Oh god the being misunderstood segment hit me hard, I was so close to crying. I'd always known that being misunderstood or having my words twisted in bad faith was a "pet peeve" of mine, but... wow. Wow the way you described it.
It's ok to cry. It's healing. Don't hold back. Let yourself cry and grieve and get it out of your system.
I also saw his recommendation and approach Dr Oyalo for the herbs on RUclips. The herbs has so far work positive on my child’s eye contacts and speech improvement. My child social skill is good now and response to name has improved too
I've never thought of myself as traumatized, just as someone with difficult parents... So this ist very interesting for me since I recognize those patterns clearly in myself.
Yes!
Yeah this made me realize how traumatized I really am from my parents, I thought I was fine
Same here... Turns out I didn't turn out as unscathed as I thought.
I’m definitely The Who does that?? police! I’m also hyper aggressive when someone shows the same narcissistic traits that my mom has.
Same. I still don't think I'm "traumatized," but some of these triggers I definitely see in myself & my sister.
Oh my gosh, when you said 'just let other people feel their feelings' I literally felt a stab of anxiety even though these are hypothetical people with hypothetical feelings 😩
ruclips.net/video/wtbcaWnybzs/видео.html
SAIGF RELATABBLE
I feel you. I'm really bad at letting people be upset.
My parents: you've had it so easy growing up- stop saying we are mean parents.
Me: literally suffer so badly from all these things and cry myself to sleep at night✌
Assuming your parents had a rough childhood: It sounds like they see themselves as the victims of you (their child) and grandparents (their parents). They simply refuse to grow up.
@@sophiareed8266 I don't understand anything except the last part, because that's totally true
@@user-ox6yt3wr8n I will put it another way. When you complain to your parents about the things that are wrong, their reaction is "You are mean to us!" They feel hurt by your words. Your words cause them emotional discomfort or pain. So in their eyes, you are someone who causes them pain. That makes you a perpetrator, while they are the victims. They are parents who see themselves as the victims of their child. It's all upside down, of course, because in the beginning it was you who felt pain and came to them with a request to do something about it. They took your pain, made it theirs and now they want YOU to do something about it. All the while, they refuse to take responsibility for their poor parenting. Also, your pain goes unaddressed. (I am sorry about the last part.)
@@sophiareed8266 ah, that makes sense now- thankyou for re-phrasing it for me. It's totally true though, I see it now you've explained it. And don't be sorry about the last part (if you mean your reference to their poor parenting), because you're totally right. Moving out soon, so brightside lol
@@user-ox6yt3wr8n I wish you the best of luck in your own life. Leaving a toxic zone is beneficial.
At 51, I’m finally recovering from childhood trauma and just got out of what I pray is my last abusive relationship because I finally saw the signs and was able to leave. Therapy has never worked for me before, thank you for defining so clearly triggers, my feelings and what has been happening all these years. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Many of us never even knew what a narcissist was or heard of it til the internet lol , many of us didnt feel we needed any therapy that was weak not for us and just kept moving on dealing with each situation but things continued to keep falling apart and then your like why is this happening hmm, then you find out your brian needs to be rewired so you stop repeating the subconscious patterns and in that case you start to more become more aware and then realize you been stuffing your emotions instead of dealing with the pain and grief and really fixing it, It takes time better late then never lol
@@stopwars8642 I agree. I also took a long time to realize what it was and to stop blaming myself. My healing process has been the best thing I've done and has changed my relationship with everyone.
I also saw his recommendation and approach Dr Oyalo for the herbs on RUclips. The herbs has so far work positive on my child’s eye contacts and speech improvement. My child social skill is good now and response to name has improved too
“... it wasn’t safe for someone to be mad at us”. Man
what u said about negative feedback is so true. my dad works with disabled children/teenagers and whenever im unable to do something he says “how come the kids at my work can do it despite their disability but you can’t?” it makes me feel so ashamed and worthless.
Good
Ouch, that's very hurtful.
😔
Comeback that might backfire: "They don't have you as a father"
@@Wheepupsdimple damn
My mother was so miserable in her own life she could never see how miserable she made me. Now that I have a son I'm trying to make sure I don't repeat this cycle
@@michellemonet4358 easier said than done
Good for you trying to break that cycle. I am sorry your experiences from your childhood were this way.
Honestly? Recognising the cycle is the first step, and a massive step too.
Thoughtless gift givers really trigger me. Growing up my parents gave me things that were totally inappropriate (e.g. adult centric hobbies or interests) or they didn’t bother ask what I needed (years of needing a good winter coat and boots but receiving books or electronics instead). I probably look to an outsider as though I am materialistic or being petulant about a bad gift, but my internal feeling is intense sadness about not being “seen” and my needs being disrespected in service of what someone enjoys shopping for.
The “Other people’s moods” part will literally be the death of me why can’t i mind my business
When he talked about moods I was like ok??? What does this even mean???
Idk why, but when you use the words “we” & “our” & “us” when talking about OUR messed up childhoods - it makes me feel like you are advocating for me. Like I’m included and seen & it’s very comforting.
I had a lot of trusted adults tell me as a kid/teenager that I needed to give my mom grace because she’s been through a lot and that’s why she was the way that she was. They literally made excuses for her and essentially put the blame on me and my siblings and completely dismissed our feelings when I tried to tell them just how bad things were at home and just how toxic my parents were. It made me feel worthless.
I am in my 30’s now with kids of my own and I’m trying to heal so I can end the cycle for my children.
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Same for me!
❤ brave. You'll be a great mom
Have you truly ended the cycle? Do you yell at your kids. Say things you don’t mean or regret saying?? It’s human to learn what we know from our past. This is what he says. Moral policing. Think back what he says. That’s breaking the cycle when you take a deep breath and work on how to better that trigger response and change it. It’s really hard.
@@KKKaTTT123 it’s not as easy as saying it on a social media platform lets be honest this was a crap on my mom and now I’m better and have kids and will break the cycle. Well you can’t just say it and it comes true. Her comment has full resentment.
I never thought of all childhood trauma this way. I just thought when I get older I would figure it out but childhood trauma can really hinder adulthood.
I know that what happened me sometimes things trigger it
Another good example for number 4 is angry customers when you work in a service industry! Those interactions can be *brutal* when you carry childhood trauma.
For real, I thought it was normal to be so drained and worn after every shift cause I always heard that, but then one day I was crying in the walk in and it just hit me; I felt like I was back home and eight years old again, and shaking , crying and trying to appease the adult who was determined to not be satisfied and to find reasons to punish me. I went back to working nights, where I was mostly on my own, and didn't have customers to deal with.
I just want to tell every single person in these comments that we are all truly so brave, such wonderful people and we were and always will be enough ❤
Thank you ❤ so are you
❤️
Thank you for that reminder
Sounds so fake
Thank you, Emma!
positive feedback can make me feel icky because my father often used my achievements to brag as if they were his own (especially as a child with decent grades) it felt less celebrating me and more like “look how good of a dad i am”.
Know that feeling. Never believed that it was sincere when was said directly to me and more a formality of the people and the few times that I remember being told something good from my parents independently of their true intentions it felt like they were mocking me, or my brother with learning issues was being prissed for no failing his classes with me present at the moment they told something good about me to try to be fair. And my brother and me had like a mutual hate for this situation, other people make fun of him for barely passing and not having the facility I had with grades, and I felt like my only reason to be was compensate making them being seen like good parents when my grandmother was who helped me with homework till 5th - 6th grade and for the rest of the time the TV and video games were there for me (now it makes sense why for almost two years between 4th and 6th grade my life plan was learn everything that could be useful to live in the forest with no contact with people).
The first time that I really felt a complement like genuine for something that I did was when played Earthbound on the coffee and tea break at 24 years old and cried like around half a hour for this
I know exactly what you mean. In addition the second a positive like that comes out the first thing I think of is how it's now an added expectation. I felt more dread than anything
Narcissistic parents. I had that too. All my good accolades and ideas were always hers..
My ex-husband did that, too.
damn. sometimes it’s deeply, weirdly personal things too, like my mom would brag about how long i prayed (1. it had nothing to do with her, 2. it’s between myself and my creator?) and then when nothing too exciting was happening she would just make things up. one time she sent chocolates to her friends and said they were from me because i’m a very thoughtful daughter. ??? still can’t get that.
#3 Other People's Moods:
For me this has manifested in hypervigilance, aniexty, sensitivity, overly needy of external validation. But not any more!
Same here
Sounds like Complex PTSD
Same here 😐 I still have issues that surprise and frustrate me .... I'm 61 with complex PTSD ... I feel like I'm doing much better then I get overwhelmed ... 🙃 I do try to be positive .... and never treat others in a bad way ...
Me, all me.
It is sooo difficult to stop constantly examining everything. I grew up with constant ridicule, everything about me was a problem. I self isolated as a child because of it and later on just became suicidal. Always wary of why someone wants to befriend me, it takes me awhile before I’m comfortable with friendships. Really trying to see how I can change this.
These 6 traumas triggers basically conclude my whole life. My life evolves around those triggers. Makes me feel better that there are reasons for my pains