I SOoo agree!! Therapy is SO expensive! Especially if you don’t have insurance, or like in My case can’t find anyone with availability who is covered by insurance!! It’s such a rough system right now 😢doesn’t seem fair AT ALL!! That not everyone can have equal access to such a necessary life altering tool like therapy!! Best of luck in your healing journey @Keekee Morley!!🫶🏼
My parents would give disapproving looks all the time but never explain what I was doing wrong. I always would get so upset when I thought someone had looked at me funny. Then one-day, I think maybe I read it in a book, I decided that if someone has a weird look that maybe they have gas. And then I was able to let that go.
Yes, me too. As a child, my mom would say "See those girls? They hate you. They think you're ugly." I'd be looking for signs of the disgust or hate and not see them and not understand. Also the silent treatment was something she did alot. This totally made me hyper-vigilant to others emotions and body language. I hate this so much cuz I can't turn it off. It makes it hard to " be normal " as I call it. Hard to believe I'm likable. It's very hard.
Seriously, thank you. I've heard time and time again "it's not your fault but it is your responsibility to reparent yourself" I agree but I don't have that skill because, duh, I was raised by toxic adult children. So thank you for explaining the how. ❤️❤️❤️
Ha. Jeez, the times I've heard this "advice" from people. Like " you're so hard on yourself, you need to be easier on yourself, stop beating yourself up". Give them a fecking round of applause for cracking the mystery and I'll magically go easy on myself. Ta-dah. Sometimes it's being brushed off, sometimes it is well meant but it's utterly exhausting to hear.
Right? And not everyone has access to therapy. “Stop irking me, I don’t care how you do it.” isn’t a solution to anything. I like the idea that I’m empowered as an adult, but this isn’t a choice. And the worst part for me is that part of what I deal with has no cure and isn’t trauma based. The trauma stemmed from the way I was treated for having the condition to begin with.
I dont know u but I want u to know u are perfect and u are loved as long as u feel that about u...always believe and remember that! I just felt u needed to know that. Ik exactly how u feel! God bless and Namaste! ❤✌😁
I get triggered when my husband sighs deeply. When I was little my dad used to sigh deeply when he was furious and would slam things around when in this state, because of that everytime my husband takes a deep sigh I automatically think he's mad, and without a beat I start asking him what's wrong and if he's mad, he has to reassure me he's not mad he's just breathing lol
This is really specific but I'm the heavy sigher in my relationship and I'd just like to say we're sorry, we just forget to breathe for a few seconds sometimes and have to catch up lmao
@@CapucineAbadie hah, that's my SO. For me it's triggering, not because I had a parent that sighed but simply because I'm afraid it was because of me. Makes it harder when he sighs both because he's tired, and also when he is frustrated at an argument we had. One is more common than the other, but it's still hard to break from the habit!
So relatable. Sighs always meant way more while I was growing up, and I didn't necessarily know what. I'm kind of ashamed of how many rows I've started because I let the trigger of my husband sighing highjack my mind. Usually, he's just breathing out frustration (not anger), and it's always a self-regulatory thing for him, not the passive aggression I grew up with. Thankfully, I've been doing a lot of healing, and he's very patient and forgiving.
Same but with my stepdad. He has some breathing problems so sighs heavily more than the average person. My bio dad also sighs heavily but when he’s irritated that something isn’t going his way, often followed by an annoyed comment that nobody helps him (expecting people to read his mind) or acting like I’m stupid for not knowing exactly what he needs when he says something vague. He also has childhood trauma, but won’t talk about it because it would reflect poorly on him…which I get because his former abuser was so sweet to people in his old age. I hope your road to recovering from your trauma is going well. ❤️
"Waiting and relying on external things for an internal sense of security". I just mentally highlighted that one because I do that a lot! Thank you for putting the language to that one.
I’ve found that at 34 years old, I’m still learning a lot about all of this. I don’t want to stop learning. I think that unfortunately it’s going to be a life long struggle to work on becoming mentally stronger and healthier and healed. I get tired at times. It isn’t fair that I have to do so much work just to feel safe and like you can breathe. When the ones who hurt us are the ones who really need the work.
I have a meme that says "I'm in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy.". Sad but true. The only thing we can do is work on ourselves for *us*. Sending hugs.
Every therapist I’ve been to has always wanted to pick the scab of all my trauma, but has never giving me instruction on how to fix me. Which is what I wanted! It’s really hard to work on healing when you’re in the middle of reliving pain. Somehow you are able to help me without taking me back to the pain. Thank you for giving me the instruction manual to me.
Amen. This is just… amazing. My therapist is also wonderful and is helping me with EMDR and so many other modes of therapy, but having my therapist and these videos, I think it’s making a big difference and filling the gaps when I’m not in a session and feel like I’m losing my mind processing throughout the rest of the week.
@@vivobandokadbi3533 Love the “think of it as something to heal and not to fix”. I felt broken last year, to be sure, but slowly, my therapist has helped me to better love myself and not feel like I need to be fixed.
Same, it made me feel worse. Anytime a Dr recommends seeing someone to talk to I always decline because it's pointless and honestly makes me feel worse having to talk about things which always brings back other memories that I've forgotten
I agree. I've also been working with a model that recognizes the trauma, but focuses almost entirely on recovering and inner child reparenting. Retelling trauma events has accomplished nothing.
My mum gave me the biggest look of disgust when I said "No" to moving schools, because that school was academically better and she wanted to boast to her friends about how clever her daughter was. I will never forget that look, how she looked at me like a worthless piece of dirt, and remained a piece of dirt until I was forced to say yes.
Whenever I receive a compliment, my mind goes blank. I have no idea what to say or what to do. I always think it doesn’t seem genuine. I guess it’s coz as a child I was very used to receiving negative feedback
I just automatically say, thank you. Doesn't matter if I believe them or not. I guess it's the socially acceptable thing to say in response. Yes, I believe they say it to be kind. It's so messed up.
Same. It was always the faults and what could've been better and why I wasn't 'perfect'. Still can't take compliments even now and it has costed me so much along with other things that came together. :(
It’s a shame how our upbringing made us feel unworthy of anything positive, to this day I the feeling of should I believe them. You would think that I would learn to accept compliments but my first thought is why are you trying to butter me up ? I’m so sorry that you had to grow up thinking that you weren’t special
Train yourself to just say “Thank you!” It’s quite enough. You really don’t need to say anything else or anything more. You don’t need to come up with something humble or to compliment someone back at that very moment! It’s tough in the beginning to re-train yourself to just receive, but it’ll get easier.
Whenever I’d get compliments on my playing at piano recitals as a teenager, I felt so much uncertainty as to whether I should accept a compliment. This was because the more compliments I got, that would make me feel happier but then my dad would sense that and bring me down a few notches with some heavy criticism as soon as we got home.
Oh fudge: I do some of this to my kids I think! I'm going to rewatch tomorrow and take some notes. I'm working hard on healing my traumas. These cycles have to end. Thank you for sharing your work and time.
You're not alone. I recognize some things I am doing to my children as well. I'm trying which I consider to be a chainbreak, but I hope I'm not messing up my children after all. How have you been doing these past 2 yrs since commenting?
The reason its so hard to take compliments is because if you believe the goods things people say about you, then you often have to believe the bad things they say about you. Its a defense mechanism. Survival mechanism.
I don't take compliments well because I know i can't live up to the potential people see because I can't be consistent. Then I just end up being a disappointment to everyone and myself.
@@calebncontreras-117 I hear ya. It sucks. Or the compliments are about the person you present to the world but not your everyday self. Ugh, it sure does a number on us huh?
Yeah, "you're so smart" and im thinking haha just give it a few months. In reality my parents were too busy raising my younger siblings to raise me. only attention I got was punishments for my unwanted behaviors. So I'm still operating with the low level coping skills I taught myself as a kid. Those stopped working soon after highschool and i haven't achieved much after that.
@@kita3256 Boundaries, listening to RUclips videos, audiobooks, praying to release resentment and activate forgiveness. Positive self talk, listening to my gut instinct, stop accepting unsolicited advice, re-engaging in my passions. Life wont give us our parents' apology, so stop waitng for it. We got a bad deal, we learn to re-parent ourselves, feeding and nurturing the spirit being, stop distractions and focus on healing every day.
@@Elya08its a process. Good (empowered) and bad days (depression). I keep praying because I can't go backwards. New mindset is lonely sometimes which makes days scary. These are the places that need more healing. My God will not forsake me.
@@trinap.8904 That’s so true. He will never leave nor forsake us in our healing, or any other area in our lives. :) He’a been with me from the beginning, and the only one with me when I hit rock bottom.
Thank you! I've never felt like my age-- I'm nearing 40, but I still feel like a child. I know it may not relate to your concept of the 'inner child' but after watching your videos, I feel like I've let my inner child take control over my adulthood, dictating my thoughts and actions, and I wasn't aware. Now, I know. All the 6 triggers applied to me because of my childhood. And honestly, I've reached a point of utter disappointment with the world and realized that I've become an exact version of my parents- bitter, resentful and never contented. I'm glad to learn this from you. The awareness helps me get started on learning to accept the complexities of the world as it is, so I can learn to live in it.
I am now 64 and have spent YEARS in "talk therapy" with very short lived results. Now that childhood trauma and cptsd is being spoken about I see why "talk therapy" did actually trigger me. Some days I would have to go home and right to my bed instead of making it back to my job!
#6 "People are more complex than that". A similiar inner dialogue I have when people are lashing out or even just being rude is "This has nothing to do with me" or "This [behavior] isn't about me." Once I determine those behaviors aren't a personal attack, it greatly reduces my emotional response.
I love that he shares some personal experiences. I had a therapist years ago who, when I asked her if she would share a little about herself, told me I didn't need to know anything about her. That was my second and last visit with her.
Growing up, my mom would project her childhood trauma and insecurity on me. She would say things like "You wish you had someone else's mom" or she would compare our family to other families in our church and basically demonize them because they, in her mind, were projected as perfect families. I don't think she realizes, even to this day, that her projecting her insecurity massively traumatized me and stunted my emotional wellbeing because I essentially became reclusive because becoming friends with those kids in the perfect family would create tension in my house. That and the psychologically abusive games she would play where she would yell at me and then expect me to not emote any negative/sad emotion and expect me to joke around with her the next moment. I've come a long way but still working on this trauma one step at a time.
Ty for this comment. I think sometimes I project my insecurities to my children. *makes mental note, 8 now aware. My husband's mother-in-law would so regularly remind us kids about how awful her childhood was that i dont ever remember not know about it. She would give wildly inappropriate details, and would say that we should be grateful we didn't have it as bad as she did. Bwahaha can you imagine
Constant battle not to slip into their ways, and do it to my children. Somedays are better than others. But knowing how I felt growing up, I decided that I will not have my children go through that aswell. Can't say that I didn't learn anything from my parents. I learned how to do the opposite from them. And I promised myself that I would never ever let them feel unloved. And tell them that I wish they were never born. Or compare them to each other. Alot of promises, but I really try to brake the cycle and give them a better emotional start to life.
Wonderful reflective skills. Indeed our biggest challenge is breaking the cycle, and not accidentally traumatizing our own kids. I really struggled with this.
Perfection can be intimidating, for sure! Having someone stumble or slip up is humbling, as you know they're human, like you, and capable of making mistakes, so it feels comforting being among others like you. 😊
Yess, this! I think it makes us perceive him as being more human, more relatable, more friendly, more sincere (not saying he’s not irl). It’s nice and refreshing to watch someone talk naturally and not like a newscaster :)
This is so validating and valuable in getting to the root of why and how our minds have been trained to go off in directions based in shame or fear. You are so very appreciated Patrick. Many, many thanks!
My parents were so caught up in their own drama that I was largely ignored. Mother had late diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia, father diagnosis with ptsd and alcoholism. Little wonder I struggle with relationships
Anita Abena We have the same parents. Except my mum hasn’t been diagnosed but she was hated by her mum and molested as a baby and threw out until she was 12 by different men . But all that has caused multiple personalities and bipolar and dads a violent man when he didn’t get his alcohol. They ruined my life and made me depressed and suicidal threw out my childhood. I understand the pain you feel
Wow, watching your videos is fascinating. I personally was raised by healthy parents, not perfect of course, but I never doubted they truly loved me. I am so grateful to realize even more clearly what a precious gift that is and how lucky I am to still enjoy a strong relationship with them. Thank you for helping those with trauma, but also for educating those of us who do not share these experiences so that we can be better more informed support for others.
Curious. How'd you end up watching this video of it doesn't apply to your personal experience?? I'd love to know what kind of interest it sparked in you that made you stay. I sure wish more people considered learning about other people's perspectives to be important, if that is indeed why you watched this vid. Your level of compassion is a rarity among the untraumatized. TY
#6 gets me triggered. Wow. I still have to stop myself and reprogram my thoughts. I talk to my kids about what happened in my life and why I react the way I do. My oldest child has called me out when I get preachy. Then we laugh about not being assholes.
My now 5 year old called me out and said I was acting like a teenager… Ouch! She was right. 😬 Dang CPTSD triggers. Just now becoming self-aware enough to even try and break these patterns. It’s a pain in the butt, but glad to do it for my kids. Now dealing with the grief of what I didn’t have as a kid. It stinks, royally.
My dad , a WW2 wounded vet, suffered with what now we would call PTSD untreated. My mom walked on eggshells, and worked really hard to keep 3 children from bothering him. His moods and depression and self isolation dictated everything we did. Of course we little girls thought we were bad to upset him, or get in his way. It didn’t feel safe to be a normal kid in our household. It has been a lifetime for me now in my 60’s to struggle through all of these in some essence in the spectrum of mild to severe and how it has impacted my relationships. Thank you so much for these videos, I’m doing a lot of reading and watching and journaling. 🙏
I'm also the child of a WWII vet with PTSD. A Black one who was spit on by fellow soldiers. I've spent 40 years unpacking the trauma & learning compassion for both of us. These videos are absolutely indispensable, Patrick. Thank you. ❤
Thank you so much for the well wishes in your outtro. The first time I watched it, I was shocked into crying by your kindness. It seems simple but is so meaningful. I also appreciate the validation you provide and the clarity of your presentation. Thank you!
It really helps to have examples for me. When most of us hear trauma we don't know what it might even look like. I think most only recognize trauma as more like physical or sexual abuse. So we can't recognize other traumas with emotions and how it alters our worldview and thoughts/feelings and relationships. I know its weird to say but in a psychic reading the other day something was said that really struck me which was, "I don't why but the feeling I'm getting is that I'm talking to a child.". Not in a demeaning way or anything like that but that its hard to convey a message to someone who isn't well developed so it has to be gentler even though the message was harsh. It feels like that. Like there is just a lot of undeveloped understanding with how things are and how to respond. And yeah because a child has that superhuman kind of mentality ... adjusting to real life can be overwhelming.
This is so true, I recently started a job in a fancy lawyer office and I have noticed how much of a child I am mentally, I'm just... different to them even though I am around their age. This lead me down the path of wondering if I might have high functioning autism but they mentioned the way childhood trauma survivors act is very similar which lead me down this path. I just feel 16 and I can't explain why my brain says that??? (Turning 30 this year and not coping with that realisation at all) Thank you for sharing this!!
Oh my gosh… so much! I have CPTSD and I always wondered why I still feel like a child. It’s because my emotional, mental, and social skills were stunted by physical trauma (medical and accidents), abuse, and neglect.
@Kharissa A. I’m also 31, and I kinda laugh when people try to guess my age at work, because they’re almost always wrong. Sad, but true aspect is that emotionally, I might as well be a teenager, so I feel you there, Girl. :-/
My best friend growing up just told me that she always saw me as a child in an adult world. I am 58! She nailed it. I have too many triggers and I should never have had kids because even though I did better than my parents, I didn’t do what I should have. So many regrets and I’m so disappointed in my parenting skills.
I wish I'd found someone like you sooner! I am trying to understand my own childhood trauma, whilst trying not to do the same damage to my own children. Though I try to be aware with my own kids, much more open and nurturing, I often feel like a bit of a prisoner to my triggers. Often feel I'm going around a bit blindly and most likely doing/saying the wrong things. Hoping you may do something specific for "traumatised" parents wanting to break the cycle with their own young children. For example, my oldest who is 6 apologised to me today for "making me angry". I wanted to cry! I told him he wasn't responsible for me being angry, but to be honest I didn't know what to say! Many thanks. I'm making my way through your videos and feel I will be referring back many more times to fully process them and implement the tools. 💙
I second this!! I have three children and have recently realized that so many of my issues in parenting, especially feeling unable to connect have come from my past despite how hard I wanted things to be different. I've recently learned about cptsd and it finally put words to something that I thought was just me and my messed up brain. I want so desperately to break this cycle! These videos have been invaluable but I would also love more input on parenting while healing.
#5 Does wanting people to read our mind work? No, and I'm working to heal and communicate healthily- something I never see my parents practice but was always expected to do from childhood
For as long as I can remember I would tell people that I played hookie and went fishing the day they taught mind reading in school. I always got a weird look the first time I told that to someone who thought I should instinctively know what they want or expect from me. But after a while they would either laugh, smile or rock their head from side to side like thinking. 'yea I get it'. The people who did get it I kept in contact with, the once who didnt I avoided as well as I could.
I bawled. I bawled so hard and cried out to world even hearing this. I’ve been so angry and confused for so long. I can’t stress how much this man comforted me.
As children of abuse we do get good at reading people, so instead of dismissing your gut feelings, as you learned to do by abusive adults, trust your gut. But be aware of your triggers. So many times we are raged at and dismissed when we saw the truth. This diminished trust within ourselves in our own feelings.
As the daughter of a bipolar alcoholic, and a schizophrenic, growing up in an abusive home activated all those triggers in me. After two years in therapy, I finally feel like I understand my inner child and I can be my own good parent. Thank you for putting out all these resources!!
I have never heard someone put into words what I lived my whole childhood, I cannot thank you enough ... I had a violent alcoholic mother, was raising myself and my little brother alone (my father had left for different country when I was 3 years old because of her behavior). Thank you again for this, this helps heal so much 💙
This is such a helpful video! There is a phrase which I am trying to internalize … and believe … but every time I try to say it out loud, I start to cry. The phrase is simple and something every child should feel deeply but my parents never gave me: it is a good thing that I exist. Even now my eyes are tearing up. Thank you for providing such valuable tools in helping us love and accept ourselves, our inner children. ❤️
My mother would use things I had told her about my feelings to scold me, like : " Well, you talk a lot about people suffering from hunger, but you won't even have consideration for me and do chores around the house." (might I add that she would never be happy with the way I did chores ?) Thank you for that one : it was epiphany ! In my case, I think ambiguity comes in part from false promises. There was a lot of that from my mother, and she would outright deny having made the promise, or my dad was the one left with explaining why the promises would not be held.
I’m very interested in this discussion as I grew up in foster care and even though I don’t remember a lot of trauma I’ve experienced. I know that I was triggered by listening to this as I’m sitting here beginning to feel physically sick and anxious. I want to begin to heal and recover so I will subscribe and do my best. Thank you for these videos.
i was put into foster care at 10. adopted at 13 but i feel like alot of this is relateable but how can i work through these traumic effectz and how to know what it realtes to
My Mother STILL uses the silent treatment and she's in her 70s 🤷♀️ I finally broke away from allowing it to bother me AFTER I spoke out about it. She did acknowledge that she does that which is pretty unusual. I saw her shame me and kick me while I was down at a time in adulthood when I was in pretty bad shape. Then, she triangulated and ostracized me. Pretty ugly stuff. But, getting through the most fearful consequences of displeasing The Queen of Torment (Lol) really helped me eventually pull myself up by the bootstraps and say "No MORE!!"
Oh my goodness, this video was fantastic. My mom is currently giving me the silent treatment cuz I called her out on recent nasty behavior and I haven’t lived with her for 18 years 🤣 it’s good to be reminded it’s not me.
I'm always so amazed when I hear these specific recollections on 5th grade, or family routines and the like. I really want to apply all these tools, but I just don't _remember_ most of my childhood.
I would normally stop the video once the main content is done but somehow, for Patrick's videos, I wait until I see that stickman waiving good-bye. It's cute and weirdly comforting. I sometimes even waive back at him. Thank you for all your work and sharing it on RUclips. It's immensely helpful.
Here is a memory that came to me while watching this and I just put it together - my father talks about himself all the time. He is the hero of every story, it all comes back to him no matter the topic. He was also very critical. But what I just remembered is that he always talked about my mother's death and how it affected him. He has constantly retold this story with tears and everything even 50 years later to every new person that he can tell. I just realized, I was only 3 when this happened - and his "story" never included me or my brother and sister. It was always about him, not even so much about my poor mother that died of a terrible cancer at 29. It was always about him. I have some very deep feelings about this that haven't really surfaced but they keep me from fully loving him. When i was in therapy I was asked about it and told her "it was handled very well" - she said that was an adult response not one of a 3 year old. It is eye opening. It is the response of an adult - the one who talks about himself all the time.
I've just started dating after a guy three years after a violent abusive relationship, and neglectful parenting...I'm catching myself reacting to almost every quiet mood from him...it's horrid and could ruin a great relationship
I struggle with the “spaghetti is just spaghetti” because that’s like a factual kind of it is what It is and just accept it and validation that comes from me doesn’t count and I can’t just take that for what it is
Resolving to be released from my triggers by internalizing the mantra, “there is no justified anger”... it’s a mindset of release and acknowledgment that every “person” is on their own trajectory... even if it’s one of thoughtlessness and obliviousness... I’m putting the work in to heal but not everyone else is...
Wow. This video was really helpful. I have trouble with all of these things. Recently my in laws were going to stop at our house on their way home from a trip to drop some things off. My husband told them to come whenever because I would be home all day. That didn't sit well with me and the later into the day it got, the more anxious I got. I tried calling and texting to get an ETA, but they went unanswered. Usually in a situation like this they will come late morning, but they didn't come until around 5 pm this time. By then I was really upset about being left hanging like that all day. They didn't understand why I was so upset since I didn't have any plans, and honestly I didn't understand either. Now I think I understand why. Thank you.
I understand why you were upset. The fact you had no plans is irrelevant. They didn't contact you to let you know what time they were coming, even though you were trying to get in touch. Expecting you to wait in all day is unreasonable and rude in my opinion. Personally I would also be having a kind conversation with my other half about my time being valuable regardless of if I have plans or not. Sending you love xx
I would have been upset too! I get really triggered when people don't respect my free time, as if because I'm not working that day, it means I should be flexible and willing to do things my extended family wants or needs. I'm usually very busy trying to get housework done, errands, yoga etc. and maybe I just don't feel well (period) and want to rest. Somehow I often feel like I'm selfish for just taking care of myself and my life stuff!
@@KatieM786 Thanks. I was triggered by it, but the other parties were disrespectful. MIL's excuse was that her and her husband are retired and shouldn't have to feel tied to clocks anymore. She can be a bit self absorbed.
@@sononi4798 That is exactly how I felt about the situation. I didn't like having to spend my day feeling like someone could show up at any moment. I didn't need to go anywhere, but what if I wanted to run to Target or something. Then of course it got spun as problem with me. I got "well you could gone somewhere. We wouldn't have been mad if you weren't here. Your the one making it a big deal." I was trying to respect their time by being here when they eventually came. I would have liked the same respect with an ETA. I refuse to accept that I was out of line for being annoyed. Sometimes I feel like there is no one on either sides of my family that gives me an ounce of consideration.
That part about morally policing people who are thoughtless or rude and making it about yourself, how you differ from that person is a real struggle. It represents a huge part of my own triggers, I really appreciate you talking about it because now I can really start to let go of things. It doesn't necessarily make the other person evil, they're just thoughtless and people are complex like that
I remember in grade school, realizing that other parents actually knew when it was report card season and asked their children for them! ( we used to bring report cards home ourselves!) If I didn't need a signature from them they never would have asked about my grades.😌
I don’t remember much of my childhood only bits and pieces, perhaps it’s better this way. I’m so grateful to these videos, could understand things by questioning why I do some things and do they make sense. I have a hard time detaching but I’m working on it. I’m grateful to you for these wise and courageous videos, it takes so much work to heal. I look forward to your suggestions.
When you said people will be frustrated with you- but it doesn’t mean it’s unsafe- it rocked me 😅 wow. Thank you for this video. I’ve never realized until now - I feel so unsafe, scared and needing to please when people are frustrated with me. It’s like I go in to fight or flight mode. Something I will learn to let go of. Thank you.
My alcoholic mother passed away two years ago and I feel like since then I’m trying to deal with a lot of emotions/trauma I never dealt before. Prior to her passing I disconnected from her for 10 years, we reconnected when she was diagnosed with cancer. She apologized for my childhood and her actions and two days later she passed. I knew I had a rough childhood but I never took the time to acknowledge it. Thank you for the video.
Juggling balls in the air...I struggle with managing all that needs doing and feel overwhelmed at times. Then comes the meltdown, tears, and feelings of not being good enough. But when I get into the flow and get stuff done I feel good about myself.
Everyone I know has trauma. How can everyone I know have trauma? It's almost uncanny. I know my triggers, which come mostly from my mother's parenting. I know some of my mother's triggers, which come mostly from her mother's parenting. And my grandmother has had a rough childhood too. And don't get me started on my husband and his two siblings!
Wow! This came at such the right time! My church is doing a 30 day renewing the of the mind challenge! I am so close to accepting the freedom and forgiveness and love that God already gave me, and this is a huge important step for me to continue on this healing journey. Finally learning how to process my childhood trauma is going to help me to move forward so much! ❤️✝️🙏
I have no memory of the worst of my abuse, but my parents exactly fit the crazy described here, and the rage I felt as a teen. I thought I was healthy now, but after the first video I realized that I need to do the work. Thanks so much for bringing specific examples to the table.
Thank you so much for this. Watching these videos are insightful because it not only shows me how I'm triggered, but also how I treat my own kids. I'm definitely not abusive, but there are tendencies there (the "meh" part especially) my son gets the brunt end of this and I had no idea this was damaging. Thank you for bringing these things to light so that I can work on not being a distant but present mother. Hearing these things aren't easy, but hey... it's for the best. There's alot I have to work on.
I feel like i only got feedback from my parents’ friends, and it was SO positive in contrast to my parents’ absence that i responded in that theatrical way instead of from self. Thanks for these tips/ exercises!
I’ve had EMDR therapy for 4 years but my therapist believes wholeheartedly that emdr therapy alone will fix the trauma bond from childhood. And although the emdr therapy tremendously helped with the trauma, I’ve also felt that additional therapy was needed to help with my codependency. Your insights and guidance are exactly what I feel I have needed and I’m super grateful and excited for gaining such momentum in healing Thank you 🙏🏻
Thank you. This helped. I had recognized that my mother was neglectful, abusive and I walked on eggshells when around her, but I did not realized how my inner child was hurt from my father's negative feedback. I can have better tools to parent my inner child now. I have been working on this for more than 40 years or more. I am 72. I have been working on my trauma for a long time, little by little. I note have words for what I my inner child was hurt. Blessings to you. I am so grateful.
The programming of not feeling good is the driving force of my life. Coming across your video has really helped me to understand how are childhood experiences can really impact our adult experiences. Thank you
Both of my kids say this and it makes me feel good. I often wondered why its so easy for me not to say cruel things to my kids like my parents did, and the simple reason is that Im not thinking those things about them. Sad when I became a parent and realized that loving your kids isnt hard, my parents just didnt really love me 🤷🏻♀️
During ambiguity you said something about letting the balls of your thoughts and worries fall from the air. I used to try that but my anxieties would worry that I was going to forget all of those things. So, instead of just letting them fall, I let them slide down "a slide" from my mind into a box. And I watch the thought or the problem go down the slide and into the box. When all my problems are in the Box, I closed it and I know it's there for later when I need to deal with it later. Thank you so much for your videos. They're such a help and comfort
Seeing your first video it got me to cry s it felt so close to home for me. Now I have written everything down to remember. I’ve always told myself that what I have gone through is not so bad, as there are people that had it worse, and my trauma isn’t trauma, as I don’t always think about it, or been told trauma is one specific thing. Now I know that trauma is different for everyone. I should not undermine my feelings because someone else may had it worse them me. Thank you for these videos
Thank you for making this series. It's been very insightful for me, and essentially makes me realise how messed up my upbringing really was. It explains who I am now, and I get to understand why certain things just engulf me with rage. It helps me heal, thank you.
Thank you for giving tools that can help us heal. I find that sometimes many of this “narcissist themed videos” center on the red flags or warning signs but don’t help. I’m already scared because of how much I’ve been hurt in the past, I don’t need to be MORE scared. I need to know what is “safe” to hold on to it for dear life.
As if Part 1 wasn't great enough, you make Part 2, thank you, so very helpful!! The driving part with the whole unjust thing while growing up really hit home. As a child I was told how I wasn't wanted because my Mom already had her boy and girl and I was treated accordingly. The things said and done well into adulthood, no person should endure. It's amazing the damage one person can do. I'm working through the trauma and pain though and I'm grateful. Working on the thoughtless oblivious people part as well. Besides your helpful tools, the quote "Let the a**holes be a**holes, you'll sleep better" comes to mind and I will do my best to remember them as I'm driving😄
I am currently working on childhood trauma (trauma therapy), and a few of those issues are currently being triggered like crazy. Your videos really help, to at least put those feelings into context. Thank you!
This is so helpful, thank you so much. My inner child is so strongly affected by the smallest things. Once, I cried non stop for about an hour at work because I was moved next to someone I found to be very rude and loud, and another time I cried for a while about being paired to train with a much older man after being with a group my age. I also cried when I messed up on timed phone calls and had to sign write-ups for it. I think I viewed these things as punishments when they may not have been exactly aimed at me, I just happened to be the one to get moved from a disruptive group (I tend to let people talk my ear off.) I may be wrong but I think these are like the shame attacks you always mention. I’m about to start work again soon and I hope these exercises will be effective until I can get access to therapy!
Got about half way thru the first vid, and i had to wake up my bf and cry on his shoulder for a while b4 i could continue. Thank you for the clarity, and for teaching us how to teach ourselves to heal.
This is the first I've come across your videos. I wanted to leave a comment personally thanking you for first doing all this work on yourself and secondly for compiling what you've learned into a presentable piece and uploading it to RUclips. Without even considering views or subscribers or any quantifiable item, I hope you know what a valuable service you have provided to the world with these videos. Truly. I thank you so much for posting these, I genuinely do! Never change. You're one of a kind. I wish you the best on your journey here and I will follow closely. I am so grateful that I was able to watch your videos!!! 🏆 🥇 ♥️💪 To other people dealing with similar issues.... You are beautiful, YOU are worthy, you matter, and you deserve the best love, endless support, healthy boundaries, unyielding loyalty, and you deserve to receive as much as you give... Never forget it. I wish you all the absolute best and I know you will do the inner work to really thrive. Never dull your light because someone else likes the shade! 💓💓💓
I grew up very passive. The good girl that was to nice. I mastered the art of jumping then half way up asking how high. I learn nothing about me mattered... feelings thoughts or anything else. I grew up as a door mat and allowed others to control me. I have torn myself away from this and now I'm being who I am. This requires me to sit with and be okay with being uncomfortable. It's not easy and I fall often but here lies the freedom. The key is living authentically with integrity. I need to live in the present. This was a great video and I don't need a pen an pencil because well I can always go back to it😁 I don't have it all together but I have accepted my whole self...the good the bad and the ugly. I still deal with my triggers and this is just more beneficial work on them. I still take medication for depression anxiety and CPTSD and have a therapist.
Just watched the 6 Triggers video and this follow up video back to back and now I can't stop crying uncontrollably. I'm in my 30's, I'm trying unsuccessfully to keep my sobbing quiet because my own kid is in bed down the hall, and it's now been a whole hour already. This was not how I thought I would kick off my Memorial Day weekend.
I have been sitting here writing notes on a little note pad. I wrote three so far but, I just wrote something down that I knew for a long, long time. But I guess I never truly admitted to myself. I never truly wrote it out onto paper and sat there and read it and it just healed something deep inside me. Your videos are beyond helpful, as I am in my own therapy, but I love doing work on my own
Thank you , I'm just uncovering all of my old wounds. My parents where overly emotional selfish beings. Also abused by other people.I relized watching this. My inner child is in charge 24/7. My mother always calls me tenderhearted. Now I know even more why lol Thank you💖
I'm 60 and am just coming into this knowledge, I've been suppressed that long. My younger brother is in such denial and confusion that he has become a suicidal alcoholic. We have an older set of siblings that have carried on the abuse, even to today.
I've started thinking about my childhood and how it impacts on me as an adult only recently. I think I've blanked alot. But even recently my mother said in front of me and my two beautiful adult children she would never have had children given the choice. My immediate reaction to my girls shocked faces was to tell them I am so proud of them and they are the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm trying to come to terms with my mother's lack of emotional attachment etc. It's tangled. Dad's the opposite overly emotional demonstrates his support and love at every opportunity while being emotionally abused by mother. Thinking about this stuff has had a direct impact on the type of partner I've chosen. My mother is 80 and has only recently disclosed to my sister she was abused as a child but won't give any details. I'm finding it hard to believe her let alone dredge up any empathy.
These videos are important for people like me who don't have money for therapy.
I SOoo agree!! Therapy is SO expensive! Especially if you don’t have insurance, or like in My case can’t find anyone with availability who is covered by insurance!! It’s such a rough system right now 😢doesn’t seem fair AT ALL!! That not everyone can have equal access to such a necessary life altering tool like therapy!! Best of luck in your healing journey @Keekee Morley!!🫶🏼
Jehovah God is your counselor and your doctor and your therapist
@@pamelapowell4463 gross 🤢
@@pamelapowell4463 god is the only one that loves me god is the reason why I didn't commit suicide
Agreed
My parents would give disapproving looks all the time but never explain what I was doing wrong. I always would get so upset when I thought someone had looked at me funny. Then one-day, I think maybe I read it in a book, I decided that if someone has a weird look that maybe they have gas. And then I was able to let that go.
I love that 💗
Awesome thanks for sharing✌🏼
Yes, me too. As a child, my mom would say "See those girls? They hate you. They think you're ugly." I'd be looking for signs of the disgust or hate and not see them and not understand. Also the silent treatment was something she did alot. This totally made me hyper-vigilant to others emotions and body language. I hate this so much cuz I can't turn it off. It makes it hard to " be normal " as I call it. Hard to believe I'm likable. It's very hard.
Thanks for sharing. I love that, will be using it!
Let it go! Just as that person was letting go of that gas!
Seriously, thank you. I've heard time and time again "it's not your fault but it is your responsibility to reparent yourself" I agree but I don't have that skill because, duh, I was raised by toxic adult children. So thank you for explaining the how. ❤️❤️❤️
Yes. This.
Ha. Jeez, the times I've heard this "advice" from people. Like " you're so hard on yourself, you need to be easier on yourself, stop beating yourself up".
Give them a fecking round of applause for cracking the mystery and I'll magically go easy on myself. Ta-dah.
Sometimes it's being brushed off, sometimes it is well meant but it's utterly exhausting to hear.
Right? And not everyone has access to therapy. “Stop irking me, I don’t care how you do it.” isn’t a solution to anything.
I like the idea that I’m empowered as an adult, but this isn’t a choice. And the worst part for me is that part of what I deal with has no cure and isn’t trauma based. The trauma stemmed from the way I was treated for having the condition to begin with.
And especially since a lot of the people that spout this kind of thing are some of the most neurotic people out there, my god.
😊
As long as I was perfect, I'd be loved
I dont know u but I want u to know u are perfect and u are loved as long as u feel that about u...always believe and remember that! I just felt u needed to know that. Ik exactly how u feel! God bless and Namaste! ❤✌😁
Just thought I’d say this that has helped me so much: You always were worthy of love!!! Always. 🤍
Yeah I am the scapegoat and yes I needed to be perfect in order to survive and have life ❗❗ I was raised by my narcissist mom..a cruel child ☠️
And what is perfect anyway. You already are perfect!!
Wow! You and me both!!
We spend the second half of our life getting over the first half!
I get triggered when my husband sighs deeply. When I was little my dad used to sigh deeply when he was furious and would slam things around when in this state, because of that everytime my husband takes a deep sigh I automatically think he's mad, and without a beat I start asking him what's wrong and if he's mad, he has to reassure me he's not mad he's just breathing lol
This is really specific but I'm the heavy sigher in my relationship and I'd just like to say we're sorry, we just forget to breathe for a few seconds sometimes and have to catch up lmao
@@CapucineAbadie hah, that's my SO. For me it's triggering, not because I had a parent that sighed but simply because I'm afraid it was because of me.
Makes it harder when he sighs both because he's tired, and also when he is frustrated at an argument we had. One is more common than the other, but it's still hard to break from the habit!
So relatable. Sighs always meant way more while I was growing up, and I didn't necessarily know what. I'm kind of ashamed of how many rows I've started because I let the trigger of my husband sighing highjack my mind. Usually, he's just breathing out frustration (not anger), and it's always a self-regulatory thing for him, not the passive aggression I grew up with. Thankfully, I've been doing a lot of healing, and he's very patient and forgiving.
Idk sounds fishy to me -coming from someone whoes dad did the same thing
Same but with my stepdad. He has some breathing problems so sighs heavily more than the average person. My bio dad also sighs heavily but when he’s irritated that something isn’t going his way, often followed by an annoyed comment that nobody helps him (expecting people to read his mind) or acting like I’m stupid for not knowing exactly what he needs when he says something vague. He also has childhood trauma, but won’t talk about it because it would reflect poorly on him…which I get because his former abuser was so sweet to people in his old age.
I hope your road to recovering from your trauma is going well. ❤️
"Waiting and relying on external things for an internal sense of security". I just mentally highlighted that one because I do that a lot! Thank you for putting the language to that one.
Its amazing how much clarity we can get about ourselves from 1 sentence from a stranger 😊
I’ve found that at 34 years old, I’m still learning a lot about all of this. I don’t want to stop learning. I think that unfortunately it’s going to be a life long struggle to work on becoming mentally stronger and healthier and healed. I get tired at times. It isn’t fair that I have to do so much work just to feel safe and like you can breathe. When the ones who hurt us are the ones who really need the work.
I have a meme that says "I'm in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy.". Sad but true. The only thing we can do is work on ourselves for *us*. Sending hugs.
Parents did not speak for over 4 years. Toxic parenting, sibling resentment and abuse has made life too much of a struggle.
@@gloriakurkowski101 Gloria - I hear your pain.
@@gloriakurkowski101 You can recover ...every part of you that is in pain is valid and entirely logical
I so relate to this
Every therapist I’ve been to has always wanted to pick the scab of all my trauma, but has never giving me instruction on how to fix me. Which is what I wanted! It’s really hard to work on healing when you’re in the middle of reliving pain.
Somehow you are able to help me without taking me back to the pain.
Thank you for giving me the instruction manual to me.
Amen. This is just… amazing. My therapist is also wonderful and is helping me with EMDR and so many other modes of therapy, but having my therapist and these videos, I think it’s making a big difference and filling the gaps when I’m not in a session and feel like I’m losing my mind processing throughout the rest of the week.
Never think about it as something you need to “fix.” Think about it as something you want to heal to improve love and self empowerment 💕
@@vivobandokadbi3533 Love the “think of it as something to heal and not to fix”. I felt broken last year, to be sure, but slowly, my therapist has helped me to better love myself and not feel like I need to be fixed.
Same, it made me feel worse. Anytime a Dr recommends seeing someone to talk to I always decline because it's pointless and honestly makes me feel worse having to talk about things which always brings back other memories that I've forgotten
I agree. I've also been working with a model that recognizes the trauma, but focuses almost entirely on recovering and inner child reparenting. Retelling trauma events has accomplished nothing.
No wonder my inconsiderate roommate drove me so nuts. Good lord. I hate when people are inconsiderate and thoughtless.
My mum gave me the biggest look of disgust when I said "No" to moving schools, because that school was academically better and she wanted to boast to her friends about how clever her daughter was. I will never forget that look, how she looked at me like a worthless piece of dirt, and remained a piece of dirt until I was forced to say yes.
Whenever I receive a compliment, my mind goes blank. I have no idea what to say or what to do. I always think it doesn’t seem genuine. I guess it’s coz as a child I was very used to receiving negative feedback
I just automatically say, thank you. Doesn't matter if I believe them or not. I guess it's the socially acceptable thing to say in response. Yes, I believe they say it to be kind. It's so messed up.
Same. It was always the faults and what could've been better and why I wasn't 'perfect'. Still can't take compliments even now and it has costed me so much along with other things that came together. :(
It’s a shame how our upbringing made us feel unworthy of anything positive, to this day I the feeling of should I believe them. You would think that I would learn to accept compliments but my first thought is why are you trying to butter me up ? I’m so sorry that you had to grow up thinking that you weren’t special
Train yourself to just say “Thank you!” It’s quite enough. You really don’t need to say anything else or anything more. You don’t need to come up with something humble or to compliment someone back at that very moment! It’s tough in the beginning to re-train yourself to just receive, but it’ll get easier.
I learned to smile, accept it inside (because often you push it back) and say thank you.
Just repeat it 100 times and it feels natural.
Whenever I’d get compliments on my playing at piano recitals as a teenager, I felt so much uncertainty as to whether I should accept a compliment. This was because the more compliments I got, that would make me feel happier but then my dad would sense that and bring me down a few notches with some heavy criticism as soon as we got home.
It’s sad when a parent wouldn’t want to pump up their own kid. Criticism is humiliating, not humbling
Oh fudge: I do some of this to my kids I think! I'm going to rewatch tomorrow and take some notes. I'm working hard on healing my traumas. These cycles have to end. Thank you for sharing your work and time.
Im guilty too now Im aware and working on it
Good for you working on it ❤️
@@samanthab3292 Thank you!!! I’m making some progress!
You're not alone. I recognize some things I am doing to my children as well. I'm trying which I consider to be a chainbreak, but I hope I'm not messing up my children after all.
How have you been doing these past 2 yrs since commenting?
I love the idea that saying NO means honouring yourself!
The reason its so hard to take compliments is because if you believe the goods things people say about you, then you often have to believe the bad things they say about you. Its a defense mechanism. Survival mechanism.
I don't take compliments well because I know i can't live up to the potential people see because I can't be consistent. Then I just end up being a disappointment to everyone and myself.
@@calebncontreras-117 I hear ya. It sucks. Or the compliments are about the person you present to the world but not your everyday self. Ugh, it sure does a number on us huh?
Yeah, "you're so smart" and im thinking haha just give it a few months. In reality my parents were too busy raising my younger siblings to raise me. only attention I got was punishments for my unwanted behaviors. So I'm still operating with the low level coping skills I taught myself as a kid. Those stopped working soon after highschool and i haven't achieved much after that.
@@calebncontreras-117 yeah I didn't realize how much I needed to work on my inner child issues until I started watching this guy. Yikes.
My parents lack of nurture and emotional neglect no longer dominate my story.
How? How did you heal?
@@kita3256 Boundaries, listening to RUclips videos, audiobooks, praying to release resentment and activate forgiveness. Positive self talk, listening to my gut instinct, stop accepting unsolicited advice, re-engaging in my passions. Life wont give us our parents' apology, so stop waitng for it. We got a bad deal, we learn to re-parent ourselves, feeding and nurturing the spirit being, stop distractions and focus on healing every day.
@@trinap.8904 Amen, Trina. Congrats on your healing thus far and for your continued healing. :) You have some great advice here.
@@Elya08its a process. Good (empowered) and bad days (depression). I keep praying because I can't go backwards. New mindset is lonely sometimes which makes days scary. These are the places that need more healing. My God will not forsake me.
@@trinap.8904 That’s so true. He will never leave nor forsake us in our healing, or any other area in our lives. :) He’a been with me from the beginning, and the only one with me when I hit rock bottom.
Thank you! I've never felt like my age-- I'm nearing 40, but I still feel like a child. I know it may not relate to your concept of the 'inner child' but after watching your videos, I feel like I've let my inner child take control over my adulthood, dictating my thoughts and actions, and I wasn't aware.
Now, I know. All the 6 triggers applied to me because of my childhood. And honestly, I've reached a point of utter disappointment with the world and realized that I've become an exact version of my parents- bitter, resentful and never contented.
I'm glad to learn this from you. The awareness helps me get started on learning to accept the complexities of the world as it is, so I can learn to live in it.
Okay I am 60 years old and my childhood was traumatic-you sir are a genius! You are nailing everything!!! Thank you!
I am now 64 and have spent YEARS in "talk therapy" with very short lived results. Now that childhood trauma and cptsd is being spoken about I see why "talk therapy" did actually trigger me. Some days I would have to go home and right to my bed instead of making it back to my job!
I'm also 60, just starting this journey.
I’m 69 and learning so much from Patrick too! Thank goodness for him.
Thanks guys, at 56 yo I feel like I'm late to the game. Now I know I'm not alone. Good luck everyone.
#6 "People are more complex than that". A similiar inner dialogue I have when people are lashing out or even just being rude is "This has nothing to do with me" or "This [behavior] isn't about me."
Once I determine those behaviors aren't a personal attack, it greatly reduces my emotional response.
In my experience they’re also acting out their own triggers too
I love that he shares some personal experiences. I had a therapist years ago who, when I asked her if she would share a little about herself, told me I didn't need to know anything about her. That was my second and last visit with her.
Growing up, my mom would project her childhood trauma and insecurity on me. She would say things like "You wish you had someone else's mom" or she would compare our family to other families in our church and basically demonize them because they, in her mind, were projected as perfect families. I don't think she realizes, even to this day, that her projecting her insecurity massively traumatized me and stunted my emotional wellbeing because I essentially became reclusive because becoming friends with those kids in the perfect family would create tension in my house. That and the psychologically abusive games she would play where she would yell at me and then expect me to not emote any negative/sad emotion and expect me to joke around with her the next moment. I've come a long way but still working on this trauma one step at a time.
Ty for this comment. I think sometimes I project my insecurities to my children. *makes mental note, 8 now aware.
My husband's mother-in-law would so regularly remind us kids about how awful her childhood was that i dont ever remember not know about it. She would give wildly inappropriate details, and would say that we should be grateful we didn't have it as bad as she did.
Bwahaha can you imagine
It's incredible that I just realized the 2 yr old is running my life , so much makes sense now.
Constant battle not to slip into their ways, and do it to my children. Somedays are better than others. But knowing how I felt growing up, I decided that I will not have my children go through that aswell. Can't say that I didn't learn anything from my parents. I learned how to do the opposite from them. And I promised myself that I would never ever let them feel unloved. And tell them that I wish they were never born. Or compare them to each other. Alot of promises, but I really try to brake the cycle and give them a better emotional start to life.
Bravo! Its SO hard to go through but I agree, we can learn what NOT to do from our abusive parents 😎👍❤
Wonderful reflective skills. Indeed our biggest challenge is breaking the cycle, and not accidentally traumatizing our own kids. I really struggled with this.
Same, proud of you. It’s not easy.
Thank you for trying to improve the lives of your children while you also heal.
Same here! And I know you will be a good parent❤️
I like when you occasionally stumble on your words. It makes me feel safe. Is that weird?
I don't think that's weird at all and I feel the same. It's setting an example to us that we don't have to do things perfectly.
Perfection can be intimidating, for sure! Having someone stumble or slip up is humbling, as you know they're human, like you, and capable of making mistakes, so it feels comforting being among others like you. 😊
maybe that's because you don't feel like he's just reciting without emotion ?:9
yes
Yess, this! I think it makes us perceive him as being more human, more relatable, more friendly, more sincere (not saying he’s not irl). It’s nice and refreshing to watch someone talk naturally and not like a newscaster :)
This is so validating and valuable in getting to the root of why and how our minds have been trained to go off in directions based in shame or fear. You are so very appreciated Patrick. Many, many thanks!
My parents were so caught up in their own drama that I was largely ignored. Mother had late diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia, father diagnosis with ptsd and alcoholism. Little wonder I struggle with relationships
Anita Abena We have the same parents. Except my mum hasn’t been diagnosed but she was hated by her mum and molested as a baby and threw out until she was 12 by different men . But all that has caused multiple personalities and bipolar and dads a violent man when he didn’t get his alcohol. They ruined my life and made me depressed and suicidal threw out my childhood. I understand the pain you feel
Your content has really helped. Struggling with these things can really feel like you’re being strangled under water...
Thats a pretty good example I feel that too
This 100%
That describes the feeling exactly ! Thanks Elizabeth !
you have single-handedly given me about 50 paradigm shifts and 20 years worth of therapy in one youtube video. thank you
Wow, watching your videos is fascinating. I personally was raised by healthy parents, not perfect of course, but I never doubted they truly loved me. I am so grateful to realize even more clearly what a precious gift that is and how lucky I am to still enjoy a strong relationship with them. Thank you for helping those with trauma, but also for educating those of us who do not share these experiences so that we can be better more informed support for others.
Curious. How'd you end up watching this video of it doesn't apply to your personal experience?? I'd love to know what kind of interest it sparked in you that made you stay. I sure wish more people considered learning about other people's perspectives to be important, if that is indeed why you watched this vid.
Your level of compassion is a rarity among the untraumatized. TY
#6 gets me triggered. Wow. I still have to stop myself and reprogram my thoughts. I talk to my kids about what happened in my life and why I react the way I do. My oldest child has called me out when I get preachy. Then we laugh about not being assholes.
My now 5 year old called me out and said I was acting like a teenager… Ouch! She was right. 😬 Dang CPTSD triggers. Just now becoming self-aware enough to even try and break these patterns. It’s a pain in the butt, but glad to do it for my kids. Now dealing with the grief of what I didn’t have as a kid. It stinks, royally.
Excellent. I am 70 and even now when I am triggered I can trace it back to some childhood treatment.
My dad , a WW2 wounded vet, suffered with what now we would call PTSD untreated. My mom walked on eggshells, and worked really hard to keep 3 children from bothering him. His moods and depression and self isolation dictated everything we did. Of course we little girls thought we were bad to upset him, or get in his way. It didn’t feel safe to be a normal kid in our household. It has been a lifetime for me now in my 60’s to struggle through all of these in some essence in the spectrum of mild to severe and how it has impacted my relationships. Thank you so much for these videos, I’m doing a lot of reading and watching and journaling. 🙏
I'm also the child of a WWII vet with PTSD. A Black one who was spit on by fellow soldiers. I've spent 40 years unpacking the trauma & learning compassion for both of us.
These videos are absolutely indispensable, Patrick. Thank you. ❤
When I catch myself morally policing I finally realized that and started using the words : I can’t care more than they do.
Thank you so much for the well wishes in your outtro. The first time I watched it, I was shocked into crying by your kindness. It seems simple but is so meaningful. I also appreciate the validation you provide and the clarity of your presentation. Thank you!
It really helps to have examples for me.
When most of us hear trauma we don't know what it might even look like. I think most only recognize trauma as more like physical or sexual abuse. So we can't recognize other traumas with emotions and how it alters our worldview and thoughts/feelings and relationships.
I know its weird to say but in a psychic reading the other day something was said that really struck me which was, "I don't why but the feeling I'm getting is that I'm talking to a child.". Not in a demeaning way or anything like that but that its hard to convey a message to someone who isn't well developed so it has to be gentler even though the message was harsh.
It feels like that. Like there is just a lot of undeveloped understanding with how things are and how to respond. And yeah because a child has that superhuman kind of mentality ... adjusting to real life can be overwhelming.
Thank you for sharing that
This is so true, I recently started a job in a fancy lawyer office and I have noticed how much of a child I am mentally, I'm just... different to them even though I am around their age. This lead me down the path of wondering if I might have high functioning autism but they mentioned the way childhood trauma survivors act is very similar which lead me down this path.
I just feel 16 and I can't explain why my brain says that??? (Turning 30 this year and not coping with that realisation at all)
Thank you for sharing this!!
Oh my gosh… so much! I have CPTSD and I always wondered why I still feel like a child. It’s because my emotional, mental, and social skills were stunted by physical trauma (medical and accidents), abuse, and neglect.
@Kharissa A. I’m also 31, and I kinda laugh when people try to guess my age at work, because they’re almost always wrong. Sad, but true aspect is that emotionally, I might as well be a teenager, so I feel you there, Girl. :-/
💯
if someone fails to hold the door for you, hold it open for the next person if you want.
idk, but it feels therapuetic to do stuff like that.
I am having a hard time listening to this today. I'm going to save it for a better day.
I had to payse and cry several times. Its ok.
My best friend growing up just told me that she always saw me as a child in an adult world. I am 58! She nailed it. I have too many triggers and I should never have had kids because even though I did better than my parents, I didn’t do what I should have. So many regrets and I’m so disappointed in my parenting skills.
I wish I'd found someone like you sooner! I am trying to understand my own childhood trauma, whilst trying not to do the same damage to my own children. Though I try to be aware with my own kids, much more open and nurturing, I often feel like a bit of a prisoner to my triggers. Often feel I'm going around a bit blindly and most likely doing/saying the wrong things.
Hoping you may do something specific for "traumatised" parents wanting to break the cycle with their own young children. For example, my oldest who is 6 apologised to me today for "making me angry". I wanted to cry! I told him he wasn't responsible for me being angry, but to be honest I didn't know what to say!
Many thanks. I'm making my way through your videos and feel I will be referring back many more times to fully process them and implement the tools. 💙
I second this!! I have three children and have recently realized that so many of my issues in parenting, especially feeling unable to connect have come from my past despite how hard I wanted things to be different. I've recently learned about cptsd and it finally put words to something that I thought was just me and my messed up brain. I want so desperately to break this cycle! These videos have been invaluable but I would also love more input on parenting while healing.
#5 Does wanting people to read our mind work? No, and I'm working to heal and communicate healthily- something I never see my parents practice but was always expected to do from childhood
Wow, you worded this perfectly
For as long as I can remember I would tell people that I played hookie and went fishing the day they taught mind reading in school. I always got a weird look the first time I told that to someone who thought I should instinctively know what they want or expect from me. But after a while they would either laugh, smile or rock their head from side to side like thinking. 'yea I get it'. The people who did get it I kept in contact with, the once who didnt I avoided as well as I could.
Who else cried while doing the exercises
I bawled. I bawled so hard and cried out to world even hearing this. I’ve been so angry and confused for so long. I can’t stress how much this man comforted me.
As children of abuse we do get good at reading people, so instead of dismissing your gut feelings, as you learned to do by abusive adults, trust your gut. But be aware of your triggers. So many times we are raged at and dismissed when we saw the truth. This diminished trust within ourselves in our own feelings.
As the daughter of a bipolar alcoholic, and a schizophrenic, growing up in an abusive home activated all those triggers in me. After two years in therapy, I finally feel like I understand my inner child and I can be my own good parent. Thank you for putting out all these resources!!
I have never heard someone put into words what I lived my whole childhood, I cannot thank you enough ...
I had a violent alcoholic mother, was raising myself and my little brother alone (my father had left for different country when I was 3 years old because of her behavior).
Thank you again for this, this helps heal so much 💙
Oh my god the pet dying thing hits close. "Oh come on, did you expect the dog to live forever?"
My dad killed my dog and then punished me for crying.
Or my relatives would say "hasn't your bird died yet? Come on, it's just a bird, why so much drama in case of its death?
@@naillijseer My God!
This is such a helpful video! There is a phrase which I am trying to internalize … and believe … but every time I try to say it out loud, I start to cry. The phrase is simple and something every child should feel deeply but my parents never gave me: it is a good thing that I exist. Even now my eyes are tearing up. Thank you for providing such valuable tools in helping us love and accept ourselves, our inner children. ❤️
This is helping me understand why I overreact and what my triggers are.
My mother would use things I had told her about my feelings to scold me, like : " Well, you talk a lot about people suffering from hunger, but you won't even have consideration for me and do chores around the house." (might I add that she would never be happy with the way I did chores ?) Thank you for that one : it was epiphany ! In my case, I think ambiguity comes in part from false promises. There was a lot of that from my mother, and she would outright deny having made the promise, or my dad was the one left with explaining why the promises would not be held.
I’m very interested in this discussion as I grew up in foster care and even though I don’t remember a lot of trauma I’ve experienced. I know that I was triggered by listening to this as I’m sitting here beginning to feel physically sick and anxious. I want to begin to heal and recover so I will subscribe and do my best.
Thank you for these videos.
Fortress Mental Health is another channel on YT that really helped me jump start myself
i was put into foster care at 10. adopted at 13 but i feel like alot of this is relateable but how can i work through these traumic effectz and how to know what it realtes to
Thats brave of you you are of great worth no matter how you were treated as a child good luck with your journey
'Sometimes Spaghetti is just Spaghetti" I tend to forget that.
My Mother STILL uses the silent
treatment and she's in her 70s 🤷♀️ I finally broke away from allowing it to bother me AFTER I spoke out about it. She did acknowledge that she does that which is pretty unusual. I saw her shame me and kick me while I was down at a time in adulthood when I was in pretty bad shape. Then, she triangulated and ostracized me. Pretty ugly stuff. But, getting through the most fearful consequences of displeasing The Queen of Torment (Lol) really helped me eventually pull myself up by the bootstraps and say "No MORE!!"
❤
Oh my goodness, this video was fantastic.
My mom is currently giving me the silent treatment cuz I called her out on recent nasty behavior and I haven’t lived with her for 18 years 🤣 it’s good to be reminded it’s not me.
I'm always so amazed when I hear these specific recollections on 5th grade, or family routines and the like. I really want to apply all these tools, but I just don't _remember_ most of my childhood.
I would normally stop the video once the main content is done but somehow, for Patrick's videos, I wait until I see that stickman waiving good-bye. It's cute and weirdly comforting. I sometimes even waive back at him. Thank you for all your work and sharing it on RUclips. It's immensely helpful.
Here is a memory that came to me while watching this and I just put it together - my father talks about himself all the time. He is the hero of every story, it all comes back to him no matter the topic. He was also very critical. But what I just remembered is that he always talked about my mother's death and how it affected him. He has constantly retold this story with tears and everything even 50 years later to every new person that he can tell. I just realized, I was only 3 when this happened - and his "story" never included me or my brother and sister. It was always about him, not even so much about my poor mother that died of a terrible cancer at 29. It was always about him. I have some very deep feelings about this that haven't really surfaced but they keep me from fully loving him. When i was in therapy I was asked about it and told her "it was handled very well" - she said that was an adult response not one of a 3 year old. It is eye opening. It is the response of an adult - the one who talks about himself all the time.
I've just started dating after a guy three years after a violent abusive relationship, and neglectful parenting...I'm catching myself reacting to almost every quiet mood from him...it's horrid and could ruin a great relationship
I struggle with the “spaghetti is just spaghetti” because that’s like a factual kind of it is what It is and just accept it and validation that comes from me doesn’t count and I can’t just take that for what it is
One that helps me is “Two things can be true”
Resolving to be released from my triggers by internalizing the mantra, “there is no justified anger”... it’s a mindset of release and acknowledgment that every “person” is on their own trajectory... even if it’s one of thoughtlessness and obliviousness... I’m putting the work in to heal but not everyone else is...
Wow. This video was really helpful. I have trouble with all of these things. Recently my in laws were going to stop at our house on their way home from a trip to drop some things off. My husband told them to come whenever because I would be home all day. That didn't sit well with me and the later into the day it got, the more anxious I got. I tried calling and texting to get an ETA, but they went unanswered. Usually in a situation like this they will come late morning, but they didn't come until around 5 pm this time. By then I was really upset about being left hanging like that all day. They didn't understand why I was so upset since I didn't have any plans, and honestly I didn't understand either. Now I think I understand why. Thank you.
I understand why you were upset. That kind of thing is stressful. I get it, I'm the same way. ❤️
I understand why you were upset. The fact you had no plans is irrelevant. They didn't contact you to let you know what time they were coming, even though you were trying to get in touch. Expecting you to wait in all day is unreasonable and rude in my opinion. Personally I would also be having a kind conversation with my other half about my time being valuable regardless of if I have plans or not. Sending you love xx
I would have been upset too! I get really triggered when people don't respect my free time, as if because I'm not working that day, it means I should be flexible and willing to do things my extended family wants or needs. I'm usually very busy trying to get housework done, errands, yoga etc. and maybe I just don't feel well (period) and want to rest. Somehow I often feel like I'm selfish for just taking care of myself and my life stuff!
@@KatieM786 Thanks. I was triggered by it, but the other parties were disrespectful. MIL's excuse was that her and her husband are retired and shouldn't have to feel tied to clocks anymore. She can be a bit self absorbed.
@@sononi4798 That is exactly how I felt about the situation. I didn't like having to spend my day feeling like someone could show up at any moment. I didn't need to go anywhere, but what if I wanted to run to Target or something. Then of course it got spun as problem with me. I got "well you could gone somewhere. We wouldn't have been mad if you weren't here. Your the one making it a big deal." I was trying to respect their time by being here when they eventually came. I would have liked the same respect with an ETA. I refuse to accept that I was out of line for being annoyed. Sometimes I feel like there is no one on either sides of my family that gives me an ounce of consideration.
That part about morally policing people who are thoughtless or rude and making it about yourself, how you differ from that person is a real struggle. It represents a huge part of my own triggers, I really appreciate you talking about it because now I can really start to let go of things. It doesn't necessarily make the other person evil, they're just thoughtless and people are complex like that
I remember in grade school, realizing that other parents actually knew when it was report card season and asked their children for them! ( we used to bring report cards home ourselves!) If I didn't need a signature from them they never would have asked about my grades.😌
I used to sign my own... It's the signature they had on file since I did all my own school forms
I don’t remember much of my childhood only bits and pieces, perhaps it’s better this way. I’m so grateful to these videos, could understand things by questioning why I do some things and do they make sense. I have a hard time detaching but I’m working on it. I’m grateful to you for these wise and courageous videos, it takes so much work to heal. I look forward to your suggestions.
You're lucky. I relive the beatings every night at 3:30 for the last 50 yrs since I left them.
This is so helpful and well-articulated. Thank you for putting words to the root of our suffering.
When you said people will be frustrated with you- but it doesn’t mean it’s unsafe- it rocked me 😅 wow. Thank you for this video. I’ve never realized until now - I feel so unsafe, scared and needing to please when people are frustrated with me. It’s like I go in to fight or flight mode. Something I will learn to let go of. Thank you.
I became your Patreon because the content you're making MUST BE supported
My alcoholic mother passed away two years ago and I feel like since then I’m trying to deal with a lot of emotions/trauma I never dealt before. Prior to her passing I disconnected from her for 10 years, we reconnected when she was diagnosed with cancer. She apologized for my childhood and her actions and two days later she passed. I knew I had a rough childhood but I never took the time to acknowledge it. Thank you for the video.
Juggling balls in the air...I struggle with managing all that needs doing and feel overwhelmed at times. Then comes the meltdown, tears, and feelings of not being good enough. But when I get into the flow and get stuff done I feel good about myself.
Everyone I know has trauma. How can everyone I know have trauma? It's almost uncanny. I know my triggers, which come mostly from my mother's parenting. I know some of my mother's triggers, which come mostly from her mother's parenting. And my grandmother has had a rough childhood too. And don't get me started on my husband and his two siblings!
People with trauma gravitate towards people with trauma K imagine..
And you made me laugh out loud with the "Who's Tim ? Why is he cheating ?" tongue in cheek thing !
Wow! This came at such the right time! My church is doing a 30 day renewing the of the mind challenge! I am so close to accepting the freedom and forgiveness and love that God already gave me, and this is a huge important step for me to continue on this healing journey. Finally learning how to process my childhood trauma is going to help me to move forward so much! ❤️✝️🙏
Ugh. The Doom Fantasy. I can relate with all of these. Love and strength to you all!
Im finding these tools hard as i find it hard to pin point moments and memories. This is harder than i was anticipating
I have no memory of the worst of my abuse, but my parents exactly fit the crazy described here, and the rage I felt as a teen. I thought I was healthy now, but after the first video I realized that I need to do the work. Thanks so much for bringing specific examples to the table.
Thank you so much for this.
Watching these videos are insightful because it not only shows me how I'm triggered, but also how I treat my own kids. I'm definitely not abusive, but there are tendencies there (the "meh" part especially) my son gets the brunt end of this and I had no idea this was damaging. Thank you for bringing these things to light so that I can work on not being a distant but present mother.
Hearing these things aren't easy, but hey... it's for the best. There's alot I have to work on.
I feel like i only got feedback from my parents’ friends, and it was SO positive in contrast to my parents’ absence that i responded in that theatrical way instead of from self. Thanks for these tips/ exercises!
I’ve had EMDR therapy for 4 years but my therapist believes wholeheartedly that emdr therapy alone will fix the trauma bond from childhood. And although the emdr therapy tremendously helped with the trauma, I’ve also felt that additional therapy was needed to help with my codependency. Your insights and guidance are exactly what I feel I have needed and I’m super grateful and excited for gaining such momentum in healing Thank you 🙏🏻
“May you be peaceful and at ease” is a perfect closer
Thank you. This helped. I had recognized that my mother was neglectful, abusive and I walked on eggshells when around her, but I did not realized how my inner child was hurt from my father's negative feedback. I can have better tools to parent my inner child now. I have been working on this for more than 40 years or more. I am 72. I have been working on my trauma for a long time, little by little. I note have words for what I my inner child was hurt. Blessings to you. I am so grateful.
The programming of not feeling good is the driving force of my life. Coming across your video has really helped me to understand how are childhood experiences can really impact our adult experiences. Thank you
When a confident child is complimented they say, "I know." Haha
Yes! I love when my niece does this 🥰
Both of my kids say this and it makes me feel good. I often wondered why its so easy for me not to say cruel things to my kids like my parents did, and the simple reason is that Im not thinking those things about them. Sad when I became a parent and realized that loving your kids isnt hard, my parents just didnt really love me 🤷🏻♀️
@@CBrown86 They couldn’t love themselves 💜
During ambiguity you said something about letting the balls of your thoughts and worries fall from the air. I used to try that but my anxieties would worry that I was going to forget all of those things. So, instead of just letting them fall, I let them slide down "a slide" from my mind into a box. And I watch the thought or the problem go down the slide and into the box. When all my problems are in the Box, I closed it and I know it's there for later when I need to deal with it later. Thank you so much for your videos. They're such a help and comfort
“We don’t have to care so much” is something I am trying to cultivate. That was great.
Seeing your first video it got me to cry s it felt so close to home for me. Now I have written everything down to remember. I’ve always told myself that what I have gone through is not so bad, as there are people that had it worse, and my trauma isn’t trauma, as I don’t always think about it, or been told trauma is one specific thing. Now I know that trauma is different for everyone. I should not undermine my feelings because someone else may had it worse them me. Thank you for these videos
Wow, these two videos were so helpful. I can literally see my limiting beliefs disintegrating! I am beyond grateful.
Thank you for making this series. It's been very insightful for me, and essentially makes me realise how messed up my upbringing really was. It explains who I am now, and I get to understand why certain things just engulf me with rage. It helps me heal, thank you.
Thank you for giving tools that can help us heal. I find that sometimes many of this “narcissist themed videos” center on the red flags or warning signs but don’t help.
I’m already scared because of how much I’ve been hurt in the past, I don’t need to be MORE scared. I need to know what is “safe” to hold on to it for dear life.
As if Part 1 wasn't great enough, you make Part 2, thank you, so very helpful!! The driving part with the whole unjust thing while growing up really hit home. As a child I was told how I wasn't wanted because my Mom already had her boy and girl and I was treated accordingly. The things said and done well into adulthood, no person should endure. It's amazing the damage one person can do. I'm working through the trauma and pain though and I'm grateful. Working on the thoughtless oblivious people part as well. Besides your helpful tools, the quote "Let the a**holes be a**holes, you'll sleep better" comes to mind and I will do my best to remember them as I'm driving😄
I am currently working on childhood trauma (trauma therapy), and a few of those issues are currently being triggered like crazy. Your videos really help, to at least put those feelings into context. Thank you!
This is so helpful, thank you so much. My inner child is so strongly affected by the smallest things. Once, I cried non stop for about an hour at work because I was moved next to someone I found to be very rude and loud, and another time I cried for a while about being paired to train with a much older man after being with a group my age. I also cried when I messed up on timed phone calls and had to sign write-ups for it. I think I viewed these things as punishments when they may not have been exactly aimed at me, I just happened to be the one to get moved from a disruptive group (I tend to let people talk my ear off.) I may be wrong but I think these are like the shame attacks you always mention. I’m about to start work again soon and I hope these exercises will be effective until I can get access to therapy!
Got about half way thru the first vid, and i had to wake up my bf and cry on his shoulder for a while b4 i could continue.
Thank you for the clarity, and for teaching us how to teach ourselves to heal.
This is the first I've come across your videos. I wanted to leave a comment personally thanking you for first doing all this work on yourself and secondly for compiling what you've learned into a presentable piece and uploading it to RUclips. Without even considering views or subscribers or any quantifiable item, I hope you know what a valuable service you have provided to the world with these videos. Truly. I thank you so much for posting these, I genuinely do! Never change. You're one of a kind. I wish you the best on your journey here and I will follow closely. I am so grateful that I was able to watch your videos!!! 🏆 🥇 ♥️💪
To other people dealing with similar issues.... You are beautiful, YOU are worthy, you matter, and you deserve the best love, endless support, healthy boundaries, unyielding loyalty, and you deserve to receive as much as you give... Never forget it. I wish you all the absolute best and I know you will do the inner work to really thrive. Never dull your light because someone else likes the shade! 💓💓💓
I really appreciate all of the work that has been done to provide these videos!!
I grew up very passive. The good girl that was to nice. I mastered the art of jumping then half way up asking how high. I learn nothing about me mattered... feelings thoughts or anything else. I grew up as a door mat and allowed others to control me. I have torn myself away from this and now I'm being who I am. This requires me to sit with and be okay with being uncomfortable. It's not easy and I fall often but here lies the freedom. The key is living authentically with integrity. I need to live in the present. This was a great video and I don't need a pen an pencil because well I can always go back to it😁
I don't have it all together but I have accepted my whole self...the good the bad and the ugly. I still deal with my triggers and this is just more beneficial work on them. I still take medication for depression anxiety and CPTSD and have a therapist.
Just watched the 6 Triggers video and this follow up video back to back and now I can't stop crying uncontrollably. I'm in my 30's, I'm trying unsuccessfully to keep my sobbing quiet because my own kid is in bed down the hall, and it's now been a whole hour already. This was not how I thought I would kick off my Memorial Day weekend.
love the idea of accepting feedback.
I have been sitting here writing notes on a little note pad. I wrote three so far but, I just wrote something down that I knew for a long, long time. But I guess I never truly admitted to myself. I never truly wrote it out onto paper and sat there and read it and it just healed something deep inside me. Your videos are beyond helpful, as I am in my own therapy, but I love doing work on my own
Thank you , I'm just uncovering all of my old wounds. My parents where overly emotional selfish beings. Also abused by other people.I relized watching this. My inner child is in charge 24/7. My mother always calls me tenderhearted. Now I know even more why lol Thank you💖
I'm 60 and am just coming into this knowledge, I've been suppressed that long. My younger brother is in such denial and confusion that he has become a suicidal alcoholic. We have an older set of siblings that have carried on the abuse, even to today.
"Embrace the truth for ourselves" - Bam! Simple yet powerful.
I've started thinking about my childhood and how it impacts on me as an adult only recently. I think I've blanked alot. But even recently my mother said in front of me and my two beautiful adult children she would never have had children given the choice. My immediate reaction to my girls shocked faces was to tell them I am so proud of them and they are the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm trying to come to terms with my mother's lack of emotional attachment etc. It's tangled. Dad's the opposite overly emotional demonstrates his support and love at every opportunity while being emotionally abused by mother. Thinking about this stuff has had a direct impact on the type of partner I've chosen. My mother is 80 and has only recently disclosed to my sister she was abused as a child but won't give any details. I'm finding it hard to believe her let alone dredge up any empathy.