Uh oh.. I just realised that even though I'm better(mentaly healthier) than ever before, I have never really left survival mode. I went from a jet black place to a charcoal. Yet, I think it's great, because the anxiety is gone. That's gold and a true blessing. The fears are still there, but they are mostly managable.
I'd like to have a checklist of what regular mode, not survival mode. I'm not being facetious. I'd like to know what the endgame is, what am I striving for, what do people w/o this level of trauma cope?
@@true_true That's interesting. I had similar experiences. I was told I shouldn't be angry, made to feel bad & wrong about feeling angry but, at the time, I was being repeatedly beaten unconscious by my mother & sexually abused by both parents. Who wouldn't feel angry? I didn't understand what was going on as a child but now I am intensely shocked at just how far crazy my parents were. They were bat shit crazy. They were insane! They shouldn't have been allowed in the same house as a child. Logic played a really important part in my not becoming actually insane with the constant gas-lighting, mistreatment & being told my every thought & feeling were valueless, wrong & bad & that I was insane. When I based my thinking on established facts & built logically from one point to the next it helped me to feel some confidence that I had some grip on what was going on. Now I know that they were the ones that were actually insane, criminal & dangerous people! If I had had video of their behaviour they would have been locked up for a long-time.
Same here. Whenever I’d question things or feel uncomfortable I was shut down. I was supposed to be “positive” I was supposed to be “grateful”. Even though I knew things weren’t right. I was the black sheep, the bad kid even though I didn’t even know what I was going through. I lived in a home of chaos and with a narcissistic and selfish father who my mother still to this day defends… they wonder why I never call or visit… because no one ever listened. Everyone pretended it was all fine and perfect, anyone who said otherwise was shunned and punished.
@@sarahstrong7174 I fucking hate that so much. I hated having my feelings invalided. As if the only human emotion we’re supposed to feel or express is happiness and gratitude. It still makes me feel guilty to this day when I get upset about things that are wrong or unjust. I’m so sorry you faced that disgusting amount of abuse. It’s like our “parents” didn’t want to deal with the fact that their children are having complete mental breakdowns.
@@mrs.quills7061 I am still looked at as the black sheep by some of my family, even though, both my narcissistic parents are dead. You would think I was some sort of criminal or druggy drop out. Instead my crime is that I was born & I spoke a little tiny bit too much truth occasionally. My parents also drummed it into me that I should be positive & be grateful & that I should not complain. I was accused of being 'so sour' that I had 'a face like a pickled onion'. I was supposed to act cheerful. I was told they would like me more if I smiled. One little question. If they wanted me to smile they could have acheived that by treating me a bit better. Stopping beating me unconscious & the occasional kind word would have worked miracles & saved them all that energy they spent hitting & kicking me. Was that too logical for them? Narcissists want you to behave in certain ways but they do not want to act in the ways that will result in you behaving in those ways. My mother seemed to genuinely want my love & would complain that I loved the cat more than her. Honestly a little bit of kindness & a few positive words now & then would have gained her my love. I was a kid that wanted to love & be loved. Instead she destroyed my love with her relentless cruelty. Narcisissistic Personality Disorder is a severely cruel mental illness that destroys happiness, minds, health, relationships, lives & families. We all need to keep thinking & talking about this untill we start to find ways forward. I beleive there must be ways to teach children ways of being & coping that will make it less likely they will become narcissists. This is a worldwide problem & we need a huge world wide organisation to tackle this issue & somehow reduce narcissism & all it's unhappinesses.
Oh wow when you talked about the rage/truth work and used the phrases "You set me up to be terrified to make mistakes, you set me up to pick bad partners, you set me up to hate myself." I felt a cold wash come over my entire body and I burst into tears. So clearly I need to do this work. "I was a good kid." 😥
What makes this content so great and helpful is knowing that Patrick has gone through a crappy childhood, AND that he worked through it, SO THAT he can be present and create very compassionate and authentic material. It's very inspiring. Everybody needs a bit of hope and encouragement to pull through...
I don't think I've ever been out of survival mode. I am terrified of fun or spontaneity. I am a grateful person, with a lovely family of choice that gives me joy, but I'm always waiting for the next "bad" thing and I live in fear every day. I am very, very tired. Thank you for understanding; I am woefully sorry anyone else understands this. xoxo
"As you get healthier, you tolerate less and less b.s." Yes! This is what's been happening for me gradually over the last several years. Happy and hopeful to hear that's a sign of healing. 🙏💜
ya the only trouble with that is i have no friends and everyone thinks i'm nasty now , because i went from being a door mat - to - i'm not taking that shit anymore.
@@alysmarcus7747 keep setting those boundaries! Ive heard that it's hard at first and you may chase away those that are used to walking all over you. Over time you will learn how to set boundaries with more grace. For now, you're doing great!
This was me until very recently. Once I committed to cutting ANYONE out of my life that disrupts my peace it was as if I snapped out of it. Epiphany after epiphany happened, and now I feel happy and empowered.
I completely agree! I’ve been trying to do this as well. It gets complicated when it’s your Mom or sister. I’ve tried to figure out how to navigate this…
@@peacelove6817 Feel you.... I don't talk to my brother these days but i'm already happy that I realised, he is a bully and I do not like my behaviour when he is around. He pulls me into games I do not want to go to anymore.
@@agness81 It makes me sad that I can’t keep my Mom and Sister in my life the way I want to. But when your family brings out the worst in you and they do play these mind games that are hurtful we are better off to find other people that love and support us. I hope you have those people in your life. Blessings 🙏🏼❤️
@@peacelove6817 I agree, and thank Heavens, I do have those people. Despite all, I've always found loving people. My "only prob" has always been my family... I hope you have them too to make up for your mom and sister... (But I presume you do.. Once you start seeing and value the good around, it's already a huge step ahead :) )
Few years ago, I literally destroyed every single furniture piece at my home after my father died and I inherited it. Every. Single. Piece. By hands and legs. No tools. Guess I just hated it all somewhere deep inside, and the place itself too, because so much bad stuff happened for over 20 years there. Moved out after I realised it. So can confirm, breaking things helps and relieves, especially if things connected to triggers.
been there, just be careful not to do it drunk or you might not realize you severely injured yourself.... not speaking from experience or anything... *cough*
@@fluffyuffyumpkins its not okay to do that to other people's stuff. your inner child didn't need to hurt other people. That just continues the cycle of abuse. Find your own stuff or someone's curbside stuff.
There's something truly, deeply cathartic in destroying stuff that represents deep pain caused to you. I did the Office Space thing 20 years ago (love that movie!) By taking a sledgehammer to the motherboard of a computer. That computer had been given to me by my malignant narcessist ex bf. He had discarded me, belittled me, and made me feel worse than worthless. He'd told me I was stupid and he'd wasted his time and money getting me a computer. He fancied himself a poet, so I'd written him countless pathetic love poems (barf) and they were all saved on that motherboard. I'd tried so hard to prove to him that I was "worth it." But he didn't care. The love bombing phase of his narcessistic game was over. I nearly died of depression. But intead of killing myself, I killed that damn motherboard! I killed TF out of it! It was smoking and it smelled like burnt electronics when I was done with it. He was done with me, and I was done beating myself up about it. Instead I beat up that "gift" he had given me. A narc never gives a real "gift." They just give Trojan hoarses. That damn computer was only a way for him to control me and then tear me down. Well I tore IT down! Along with all the pathetic, grasping love letters and all the graphic design work I'd done on it that hadn't impressed him. Something about savagely killing that computer and all that it represented really released me from his grips.
@@themaggattack good job!!! There is nothing worse than narcissistic abuse by a husband or boyfriend that supposedly “loves” you. And no one can really empathize and understand it unless they’re dealt with it.
I worked one time with an awful woman who had tenure. No doubt being awful is how she chased people away to give her job security. I think too often employers allow that to happen. Anyway a gym coach took me to the punching bag. I drew a stick person and it was taped to the punching bag. Then he showed me how to punch like a boxer instead of like a “girl,” so that I didn’t hurt my wrists. Then he turned me loose to release the frustrations on that bag. It was great! To this day when things become too much I still apply that technique you’re explaining. It sure is better than beating up a person. Although some people actually do need beaten up. We have become too polite with bullies.
Whew! The job thing! I realized I chose toxic jobs that exactly replicated my family dynamics and those are the ones I stayed in the longest (6 years at one, 12 at another). Patrick you’re not a hypocrite for having a full appointment roster-that means you’re actively helping people ☺️ You only have so many hours in a day.
Exactly, his job is the opposite of toxic! I would imagine that working for yourself, doing work you're passionate about, and knowing you're truly helping people sure beats working for someone else and feeling oppressed by a toxic work environment. But still, I can imagine it's A LOT to sit with people and listen to their traumas, and help guide them through it constantly. Especially for such a compassionate person like him. He shouldn't hesitate to take a few days off or lower his available hours. Because everyone needs "me time." Overworking himself too much could cause burnout, and that's not good for anyone.
I think the vast majority of work places are infused with people traumatized by poor parenting. This tells us that child abuse/ very poor parenting is epidemic. Nothing new. I suggest it should be expected in every work place. If this is intolerable find a way to work at home or be entirely self employed. I would never for anyone but myself.
It’s taken 30 years of seeking therapy (bad therapy lead to false memories, overmedicated, hospitalized several times, got on disability, ECT , TMS, Ketamine infusions) to another break down to finally recognize why I’ve had these symptoms. Covert narcissistic abuse since childhood, emotional neglect, coercive control, scapegoated, designated patient… Ignored, devalued, raged at for expressing feelings. Took the focus off the abuser who came across as the saint. The programming started young. My brain and autonomic nervous system has been in freeze mode and symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome. Now telling myself I’m safe. Safe to feel, to be in my body, to think for myself… A traumatized brain can heal. The numbness protected us. Learning about somatic healing, grounding, nurturing and redefining love. An ADHD med has also finally helped and looking for good counsel. You’re a kind, intelligent, take no BS compassionate soul… Thanks for sharing your stories and insight!!
Suggested topic: In this video, you mentioned cleaning up after a parent who’s a hoarder. What if our own childhood shame and blame issues manifested in hoarding behavior? I doubt I’m the only one struggling with this. In addition to his scapegoating and rage issues, my father took great pleasure in making sure my mom, my sister and I never had ANY money. In addition, I NEVER got anything that I asked for at birthdays or Christmas. I felt such intense deprivation (not poverty, deliberate deprivation- he was an aerospace engineer). I would go through catalogs for HOURS looking at things I wanted SO BADLY- it turned into an obsession. I wanted to make things, but I never had the money for supplies. As an adult, this has manifested in unhealthy compulsive shopping/hoarding behavior. I’m determined to buy things I want in spite of him, and then I feel shame! I was shamed for wanting things. (I was afraid to LOOK at a McDonald’s when we drove past, lest my father would see me and think I wanted to go there.) Does anyone else have issues with money stemming from childhood abuse and neglect? Thank you for what you do- I’m starting to make sense out of some things that I’ve repressed for decades.
I can relate. I stopped going to Christmas gatherings because I was the only one who didn't receive presents. I used to shop and purge. I don't do that now, but I really relate to your experience.
Money is a vehicle, neither good or bad on it's own. Abusers like to use it as a vehicle of shame and strip us of our humanity, our basic human desires, alienate us to our own bodies. But God made us to enjoy things. Ecclesiastes first couple chapters speak about how enjoying food and drink is our part in our daily struggle, it's "a pleasure given by God" - when I first read that I was blown away. I was used to being shamed for my desires, but here the Holy Book tells me basically "it's alright, it's your part" Don't be so hard on yourself. May the highest loving spirit descend on your soul. "You're worth it... You always were"
Yes. Making money is how I feel more independent, I am treated better at work than I ever have at home, and I buy too much. I have some priorities but I'm constantly not having enough money. So essentially I'm just fixing it by working more.
Hey. I dont have the same experience with material deprivation (only emotional deprivation from a mother who could be quite unstable) - just want to tell you that I'm truly moved by your story and it brings tears to my eyes, it's so sad you went through that...I also feel pissed at your father as you deserved so much better.
@@dann10000I remember reading that verse and having the same reaction! I had a lot of cute stuff when I was a kid, which I was seriously grateful for. I shared with friends and never put myself above anyone because of what I had. My dad had a rough childhood, so out of jealousy, he treated me like I was a spoiled brat. That gave me the mindset that having good things in life was something to feel bad about, but this verse made a big difference in changing that. Its good to enjoy the blessings God gives us (as long as we don't put them above what's more important, of course). Glad to see you bringing up this verse!
"If you guys are in survival mode, there is always a way out". Tears to my eyes immediately. Of all the words said. A surprise discovery. TY, Patrick 🔑
6:38 Getting out of survival mode - engage inner adult 1) Explore the trigger/s 10:51 2) Do something physical for release (rage or "truth" work) 16:03 3) Connect and talk about it 17:45 4) Come up with a reasonable plan
Signs of survival mode.... fighting hard to not break down, lethargy, feeling like you can't ask for help, brain fog, forgetful, highly reactive to new, added tasks, maxed out, waiting for things to get better...Netflix, TV, veg out, escape, persevorating (spelling?), ruminating, replaying situations....ongoing for days, weeks, or months... short tempered, unable to cope with minors stressor (other people think you're overeacring to life things, like a flat tire, a broken glass needs extra effort to pick up, garbage bag broke, spilled / mess... these become " the straw the broken the camels back" because other issues have you in overwhelmed mode.
15:54 "Anger is not a bad emotion, it is a compass." Ah, yeah, that is very true. It's really good at getting you up and moving, literally for me. It's what made me finally move out and move away from toxic family. I can totally relate to that one. I can see this video getting up to a million views easily, so many people can benefit from this. Thank you Dr. Teahan for sharing this.
The same for me, it is my anger that gave me the strength to say enough is enough and I immediately stop contact with abusive people and enforce boundaries. They didn't like it but I was in a place where I didn't care anymore whether they like it or not. I think anger is what pushes to put ourselves first
It may be a weird question but would you be open to doing a video about "making plans"? After being in survival mode for about 10 years, I discovered that I have difficulties formulating a plan because I suffered a lot from learned helplessness and it feels like having a blank page in front of you when it comes to "doing plans". It's not necessarily about lacking ideas or knowledge, it's really about being able to envision steps to take to get out of a specific state (emotional, situational, etc.). And thank you, great video btw. :)
I also would like this ! One trick I HAVE found that works for me is "backward planning" ! It's not "sensible", really ! I think I am 'sneaking up' on it, that way I can't be let down ?! I came upon it when I realized it was easier figuring out directions HOME from a place I had only been once, & once I had that in my head, I could "flip" it to figure out how to get there. Crazy explaining it, but, somehow works for me !
@@m.maclellan7147 that sounds like a really helpful way of figuring things out, especially for a person who feels lost, who doesn’t trust her intuition, after years of abuse. So if I understand you correctly, you determine a destination or goal and then plot all the steps starting from the goal leading back to where you are now?
I went to a rage room with 2 of my friends and I broke stuff while I yelled at my mom, dad, and ex husband. It was absolutely amazing. I feel better sometimes just knowing I could go back and do it again. Just that knowledge can bring me down a couple of notches.
@@VeronicaWarlockmy library has rooms, but not sound proof. And there’s no local studios in this small town. Driving out on the highway is my only option. 😕
@@anxylum do you have a music scene? How about a metal concert/show? I could see some people able to cathartically yell along with a crowd at a show or sports event, though you wouldn’t have as much freedom in what to say. I feel you though, I have to go out to a park in the woods or my car to do this kind of work. I don’t like to cry in front of my family. Luckily for me it’s not as loud as wanting to rage.
This video has made me realize I've been in survival mode since at least 14 years old.. with all sorts of different things going on. But I'm 25 now and I'm so tired. Thankfully I've gotten closer to my sister this last year as my source of support
My intuition has been telling me for a while to get a kick bag and kick the ever lovin’ crap out of it. I went to a kickboxing class for women a while ago and loved how it made me feel empowered. But i stopped going because I didn’t want to awaken a part of me that I couldn’t wield, and I felt guilty for having so much rage inside of me. I felt like I shouldn’t even feel rageful - I had no reason to feel rageful. But the ethos in my household was that everything was fine when it wasn’t. Thank you so much for validating that part of me in this video. Now I need to get a bag and listen to myself more. :)
Do it! I'm in the process of setting up my home gym with a bag. Love it! Some of us prefer explosive motions as an emotional release and great exercise.
I feel rage all the time. I told my sister about it. She told me I don't look angrily. I heard about a rage room, there you can destroy things in for a fee.
I've been in survival mode for decades! At least I recognise it now but I struggle to turn it off as it's so ingrained. This video is helpfully validating.
As soon as I begin to express anger in any kind of physical way, be it shouting or hitting something, it almost immediately evaporates and I'm left empty and numb, it's like my brain encounters some kind of error when it's angry and it completely reboots.
I left a toxic workplace after 20 years and have been working somewhere else for a few months. I catch myself feeling very anxious before meetings etc BUT nothing toxic or bad has happened. The culture is upbeat, people nice and I haven’t been overused. Im using it to face situations where I feel anxious and remind myself that if they turn out to be toxic, I will leave and try somewhere else. I hope that helps you.
I got my first job when I was 16 and it really taught me how to hate myself. Now I'm at a "better" job, but it's still an environment where customers can abuse you. I started screaming into a balled up jacket I had in my car and started yelling things like, "I didn't deserve that, my coworkers didn't deserve that" and I was literally amazed at how it calmed me down a bit. I had no idea this was actually a method of healing until I watched this. Thank you!!
I just wanted to say that while I am learning so much from your videos, I also feel so connected to the people commenting on your videos. It brings a lot of different perspectives and shows just how important it is to keep working on ourselves so the us and next generation in front of us can grow up more and more healthy mentally.
Yes!! While on some videos, looking at the comments section can be... a pretty significant gamble, put gently lol, I truly adore getting to hear everyone's comments here. I love that this resonates with everyone so much, even though I do wish we didn't have to go through the trauma we all did. We've all experienced so much despair, and yet the voices here hold so much hope and kindness, and I also hear the desire for something better, to work on ourselves, and wishing and wanting to be the best we can be. It's very empowering, seeing all that.
Well, let me give you a dose of reality - you'll never _choose_ to connect with me, no matter how well I treat you. You ego won't let you connect with me because your identity is defined partially by the strangers you need to feel more powerful than - of which I am one. _Every_ human being is a bully first, no matter what - not bullying people in your social circle is the _exceptional_ behavior, not the default.
@@AtariEric This sounds like it's coming from a place of deep trauma. Connection is subjective, and the fact that so many people feel it and can choose love means it's possible. Even with strangers. I sincerely hope you've managed to heal some since you wrote this comment, or at least get the right therapy to gain more awareness of it. Big love to you.
@@jessied3210 I've had enough therapy for expert psychologists to find out (in horror) that I have been injured by dishonest people like you too badly to ever recover - and all of your "hope" is merely mockery, knowing what you've done and knowing full well you'll do it again until I _stay_ injured. And "connection" is only "subjective" in order to discriminate arbitrarily without suffering the punishments you would had your dishonest judgements been based on objective criteria. Whenever they are, I can prove I meet _or exceed_ those criteria and expose your rejections as being in bad faith. The fact is, people _choose_ not to connect with me out of their own narcissistic need to wield power over me because it seem my very _existence_ triggers humanity's insecurities. That's not my fault - nor is it my "trauma". That is your _choice_ to be cruel so you can derive pleasure from my pain. It doesn't matter what's "possible" - what matter is that you'd rather die than get over yourselves and treat me like an equal. I'm sick and tired of people complaining and accusing me whenever I simply observe and correctly analyze their behavior.
Jesus christ, I sat through half a year of in-person therapy before the plague, and these free videos are leagues more useful than that therapist ever was.
The hoarding parent with an extremely toxic sibling really hit home. I just went through my dad's death. I was always the caretaker for my parents and sibling, forced to be the responsible one for them. Once both parents passed away, and having my own children now-- I refuse to play that part with my sibling anymore. To all those who had that dynamic with their parents and siblings-- It's ok to take care of YOU, and it doesn't make you a failure if you can only manage that sometimes. You deserve to be loved and listened to instead of giving everything of yourself to ungrateful and manipulative people. Love to all! ❤
Can you please make a video about children who were made to raise their siblings and parent their parents as adults? I don’t know how to make decisions but I’m really good at executing them. I don’t know how to create my own structure and routine in life… and all the other oldest daughters I know have the same issue OR they are overwhelmed by having to make all the decisions
Watching this on my break and crying in my classroom because I relate sooo bad to a job not working out/ imposter syndrome! This could NOT have came at a better time!!!
I taught high school for thirty years and retired in June of 2016. I don't know how old you are or how long you've been teaching, but I'll share my experience in the hope that it will be of some use to you. I grew up the third son in a family of four children, and am the youngest by five years. My father lost his business and our house after having to declare bankruptcy when I was about five. He drank, my mom over-ate, and they both raged. However, they were also often very loving and affectionate. There are many other details, but suffice it to say I fit Patrick's definition of childhood trauma. I went to university, thinking I would go into law (as my parents hoped), the civil service, or academia. I didn't decide on a teaching career until I crashed and burned on the LSAT (didn't study) and though I scored well on the foreign service entrance test, it wasn't good enough to get an interview. While I had been invited by the head of my university department to do my masters, I decided I had had enough of the ivory tower, at least temporarily. A career in teaching would allow me to get started in life, have a steady income, travel, maybe even get married (I hadn't dated anyone in university and had only done so a couple of times in high school, but why should that matter?). And I could always decide to do my masters later. Eventually. So I did a fifth year at university to get enough English credits to qualify to take it as a teachable subject at the faculty of education, and after graduating from the faculty (almost blew it due to procrastination), I had some incredible luck. I had supply taught for only three months when I was offered a permanent position. Of course, it was in one of the least desirable high schools in the board, but I did say incredible, not good, luck. Anyway, if you could teach there, you could teach anywhere. So I stayed there for fifteen years. I didn't hate the job. I really enjoyed helping young people, and though I loathed planning, marking, and especially bureaucratic "next-big-thingism", I always felt that I was doing something useful, at least for most of them, and I knew this from the mostly positive feedback I got from students and parents, not "performance evaluations". I did get involved in our union, and was union rep for two work-to-rules and a lock-out. After the lock-out I decided that there was no hope of positive change given the trustees on the board, so I decided I needed a change, and got a full time position with another, coterminous, board. Conditions and salary were much better; I also had joined a recovery program and even got married. But indecision and self-doubt, aggravated by procrastination, eventually got me into trouble with an administrator who was at war with her staff, not just me. I was formally reprimanded; she was finally promoted out of our school, and I got involved with our union again. The union involvement also allowed me to meet and work with people from other schools, and I eventually became union rep at my second school, resigning from that position the year before I retired. A good thing, too, because we ended up on strike that year. Incredible luck... So all I have to say to you is, make up your mind, and that's coming from someone who hates doing just that. It's your life, and you haven't a moment to lose. But if you stay, make your satisfaction in the job your primary goal. That isn't being selfish. It's necessary for you to grow and to become both a better person and a better teacher. Find as many positive reasons as you can for enjoying it. They're sitting infront of you every day, in your classroom, staffroom, department office and union local. Some are even administrators. Not a bad public, that. Whatever you decide, I wish you blessings and true happiness.
I fired my therapist yesterday. I was already 100% certain I did the right thing & did it right on time without squandering another moment second-guessing myself. This video has validated my decision another 1,000 %. I hope the quest for the right therapist doesn't kill me before my time, but Patrick if you could clone yourself, we need thousands more like you! I've been WRITING by hand in my journal about how I'm in "survival mode" & it feels like youtube is reading either my mind, my journal, or both! Great video. I know when I address this, everything else gets less impossible and overwhelming. Thanks again.
I’m in total survival mode since around 2008, but from 2017-2020 has been the worst. I had a complete mental/emotional breakdown last year because of trauma triggers back-to-back and just knocking the wind out of my sails repeatedly. One thing after another after another happened until I was in a fugue state. Without being institutionalized, and without medication, in a year and a half, my therapist has helped me get to the point where I’m training others at work and supervising my younger/newer coworkers. I couldn’t even order food from a drive thru before. People like you and my therapist are literally saving lives with the content and therapy you provide, so thank you! 😊
Wow! Me too! In 2008, I was pregnant, planning my wedding, (please, no judgment in the order of those 2 things) getting ready to move into a new home that we would share with my parents (just as it was becoming obvious that my Mom was an alcoholic) and at the last minute, my sister and her family, due to her own emotional and financial crisis, moved into the same house with us! It's a really HUGE old house. Space was not an issue. However, constant arguments between my sister and her husband was really upsetting to me and triggered feelings from my past marriage to a narcissist. Whew! That was a crazy amount of change to deal with and the only place I felt serenity and secure in my environment was at work. I had a job working at a department store counting money and balancing daily register sales. I worked alone in a room that NO ONE was allowed in except me while I was working so I was totally in control of my environment. Everyone else was locked out, but I could come and go as needed. I felt important and empowered to be myself and confident in my abilities. This job had actually helped me have the confidence to leave the narcissistic ex-husband. Then one day, as I was about to leave work, I was called in to see the manager. The company had decided that the job I had would be condensed into half the time and I was expected to cashier the other half of the day! The thought of having to leave my, literal, "safe" room and talk to strangers was terrifying because I had come to realize that I was very much an introvert and always felt like I had to put on a mask as an outgoing person whenever I had worked in public settings. That is exhausting and also that environment was overwhelmingly loud and busy for me. I'm sorry this is such a long story. The point is that now that one place I felt like I had control in my life was being taken away from me. I could not just quit as I had good medical benefits and I was pregnant. This all led to a long slow deterioration of my sense of self and 7 years later I had a complete breakdown. Too many more things including pandemic, my parents deteriating health and an "ice -pocalypse all in one year has really put me back into a constant state of survival mode and all the normal daily tasks or even leaving the house feels like more than I can manage most days. If you read all this, Thank you for listening. 🥰 It actually helped to just get this all out. This video gave me a lot of insight. Thank you for sharing your story too. It's validating to know that, although sadly others have gone through this too, just to know that they understand really does help. I'm not just weak or lazy or crazy! Best wishes in your recovery! I'm already plotting what I can destroy to let my inner rage out. Although listening to some really angry heavy metal music has helped! 😉 Thank you again for sharing.
@@deborahducret-shiley6309 Hey, thank you a lot for your story. It sounds really tough, but I'm sure you are strong enough to find a working solution. I struggle a lot with survival mode myself right now and I know the feeling of exhaustion really good. I'm living with roommates who have the habit of playing loud music in the middle of the night and not cleaning after themselves. High energy costs and unstable finances are a thing and then the dad of my boyfriend died and triggert the trauma of my own father's dead. I'm really exhausted too, but I try to stay positive and find one solution at the time. Even if I only change my routine to go to a park after school instead of going straight back home to my toxic roommates, if it helps a little and gives you a break and you can breathe for a moment, than it is a good change. I hope you get better and get help from your environment. Live is a lot sometimes. I wish you all the best. PS: I also love heavy metal :) and I do a lot of sport, like Volleyball and climbing. Just physical exhaustion is good, because if your body is tired your brain can not catastophise anymore
For the past maybe 6 years school has made me constantly stressed, never being able to really relax even on holidays or weekends. I also get that brain fog sensation and I procrastinate as much as possible after school. I just wake up as late as possible, go to school, go home and start watching youtube until I fall asleep bc I cant hold my eyes open. I used to be so tired that Id fall asleep with my jeans and uncomfortable day clothes on not even caring. I sleep so little and I dont care about taking care of myself. School makes me cry daily... It makes me not want to fall asleep bc I never wanna wake up. What makes it worse is that I forget 99% of what I work so hard to learn for tests, it just feels so pointless. Ive been working on myself for years and educating myself on mental heath and its still so hard, even if I now have a happy healthy relationship and something to look forward to. But I never ever give up. No matter how much I hate living sometimes its worth it. Every happy moment when I learn something I actually care about, every happy moment with my boyfriend, every minor success just every time I love life. School will end someday and it will be one of the happiest days of my entire life for sure c:
Keep at it. I was in your shoes in a miserable family life with abusive narcissistic parents who held college monies over my head so I never finished my degree. I did other things in life. Keep at it. Go in bite sized pieces. Talk with TRUSTED councilors who get what you are enduring, maybe there are other programs or supplemental ways of coping with things. I am out of this over 40 some odd years, and sometimes events in my life will reappear in dreams or memories due to visual cues or triggers. It's a life long situation that you may have to fight. Make helping others a way of healing. Through doing this work, you will engender compassion, and will eventually gain joy and happiness in viewing others' successes! Ex. "we all win!" I want that for you, dear. Don't give up. I am passing my baton on to you.
Damn..I feel you..what helped me was trying to change the way I look at everything in life and even my past..and trying to control your thoughts and emotions..like I hated my job so much that I would get sick everyday i went ..so I started to think about and feel hkw my last day would be going into my entrepreneurial moves and having 80k a month in the bank..I did it all the time and it helped alot..peace and you got this
I've been in therapy since 2009, I've had three therapists. None have specifically talked about childhood trauma. Until watching your videos, I didn't know there was a body of work that addressed childhood trauma this way. I feel like I've had an aha moment. It's a literal breakthrough, being able to connect the dots. I also appreciate that you give this topic a platform. Before finding this, I felt ashamed, alone, like I was damaged. Thank you.
This is exactly what I needed. I just realised that I've been in survival mode for so long that I've forgotten what it's like not being in it, if I was ever not in it. It feels like a chunk of my memories have been erased but they occasionally pop up.
11:54 "jumpstarting a dead battery"...omg that is just the perfect analogy. This was the problem for me for years....how do I do this? This is enormously lonely and difficult work to do without support. Addressing, admitting, coping with and accepting the pain created in our lives by others shitty behaviour towards us is CRUCIAL to getting thru family trauma issues, and needs to be done before we can start fixing problem maladaptive behaviour in our own lives, at least that's how Ive come to see it. People like us really need to work with people who understand family trauma and the enormous pain it creates in lives, with those who aren't scared off by our pain, as we need to get to the point where we are in a place to deal proactively with all the negative consequences living in these messed up environments creates in our present lives so we can improve our lives. This leads me to my last point: the field of psychology fails men on a very large scale on this issue: being largely female dominated, women in this field by in large do not understand male emotional pain as the anger component throws them off and puts them in a defensive position of responding to us with shame, blame or disengagement (which of course just makes the situation worse) instead of accepting it for what it is - the response mechanism of a human being struggling to cope with being harmed by others.
I’ve grown accustomed to living in survival mode. Though, I have a special set of circumstances that puts me in this mode even beyond childhood trauma. I’d definitely recommend getting out of it if you can, because I’ve honestly grown more convinced over the past 13 years that the increased cortisol has impacted my brain chemistry 😂
Don't forget digestive function and immune system! And blood flow! Cortisol comes from the brain and messes up the body, but oxytocin (trust hormone) inhibits (turns off) cortisol! And u can get it by cuddling someone or something you trust
You might be interested in checking out the nutritional y t channels of Dr. Eric Berg and Thomas De Lauer - they're keto specific but have an amazing knowledge of nutrients and other health related topics so check them out. I know they've made really interesting / helpful / educational videos on cortisol, stress, adrenals, etc. So maybe search y t for their channels and those topics. I saw one recently on Bergs channel about how to manage stress and decrease cortisol.
I'm coming back to this video in 2024. It just happened to pop up in my feed again and just at the right time, too. I'm grateful for the healing I've experienced since the first time I watched this, and for Patrick's videos in general-they give me a language to articulate how and why my brain operates the way that it does. And just knowing that there's a community of ppl here who understand what it's like to live with this stuff really helped me feel more connected and less alone, and all that gave me a lot of hope. About a month ago, I started a new job, and I actually really love it. But yesterday, something really uncomfortable happened with a co-worker. (He is also new, not a superior.) So, after I disengaged from the situation, I got kind of angry, and I realized right away that I had gone into survival mode at some point during the interaction. It seemed really innocuous at first-friendly banter between colleagues. But then suddenly it got very personal, and by the end of it, I was agreeing to things (not work related) that I didn't actually want to do, because I'd gone into this fawning type of response. So the hope shot is this: we can become more aware of when
I bought a bunch of old plates and glasses, wrapped them in plastic, put them under a welcome mat, and used a hammer to beat the sh*t out of them. I had to use a ‘bite rag’ so that I could scream without freaking out neighbors. I also used gloves and eye protection. Afterwards, I felt so much better. I was physically exhausted and it felt great to scream my guts out. (I once had a therapist tell me that anger was not actually a feeling. Um...yes it.) I’ve been in active survival mode since 2017 and it’s a very slow process because I’ve had no idea how to get out of it. This video is a prefect kick in the butt to work on it rather than stew in it. Patrick, you are gifted. And, again, your plaid shirts are obviously tailored by a magician.
Understanding anger as a SECONDARY emotion was a game changer for me. Meaning something else leads to anger: unmet expectations, hunger, sadness, disappointment, etc. There are different definitions for "emotions" and "feelings" but I'm not sure I really understand it. (P.S. I love your idea so much... I may be trying this myself.)
The other night after work I was so mad I took a couple of my glass cups and went out to the alley behind my apartment and smashed them into the ground
I started to plant things in my garden a few years ago and I found very helpful to take out the weeds from the ground with as much fury as I could but now I understand why this experience is therapeutic for me.
This was insane timing!!!! I just learned about this while looking for ways to be better as a mom! As someone who came from a very toxic abusive and low income environment in unlearning a lot
Wow! His description of survival mode feels like he's explaining my lifelong personality. I got a text message yesterday and had to get drunk and ruin a whole day just to read it even though it wasn't high stakes
I have never heard of using ragework to do truthwork. The situation were you descibe using ragework while you use your voice to hold family systems acountable sounded powerful as a healing tool. Thanks for sharing!
When I was a teenager in a Psychosomatic clinic I did this Truth work in a group session. Those around me acted like my father and I finally figured out that my attempts to have him see me (workaholic and alcoholic) that this was the root to my Psychosomatic Bulimia... Very Therapeutic. Promise... I've been working on myself for decades... my new therapist is amazing. 4 years now.
Hey, I just wanted to talk about this... idea I had while listening to your video. I feel a little silly about it but I want to try sharing it. So I'm back living with my abusive father right now, yeah? It happened during the pandemic. A bunch of really bad stuff happened too. Worst case scenario type stuff. So I'm here. Struggling to stay functional enough to get a job, have money again. Facing a high probability of being homeless in a relatively unfamiliar town. Facing the fact that my father is not going to change and that too much damage has been done. Facing the fact that my family of origin can't be trusted, as much as I fawned and scrambled and cried and freaked out for the first 28 years of my life. So, that's my situation, right? I had this really strong visual come on at the tail end of your video. Me, driving in a car that works, listening to loud rock music. Me feeling free and beautifully alone at 2AM. Me doing art that makes me happy. Me, meeting new people, and knowing what to look for now. Me, trusting my judgement. Feeling okay. Just me, feeling okay. Maybe feeling happy? Maybe. At the very least, it's a picture of me feeling okay. Anyway, thanks for the videos. You're reminding me to stay hopeful. Things have been shit for a while, but I want to keep that vision in my head. Just to know it's a possibility.
Hey, good for you ! Definitely try to find other Artists ~ this is kind of my "chosen family" now - still keep in touch with my f'd up family ~ but only my sister isn't crazy ! Look for Mill building if you're in the East Coast (if you're in USA) - often rents are more affordable in mill buildings.....maybe see if you can find a place local to you. Look into studio sublets or shares ~ that's how I got my foot in the door ! Best decision I ever did. You might also look for "Maker spaces" as well. Good luck.
started in 2018... with the loss of my granies who raised me and were my safe space then everything has crashed down. financial problems, cutting ties with a narcissistic mother and realizing a really toxic patterns of my uncle whom I think love (brother of my mother, the whole dysfunction of the family, obviously my grannies did not behave them like they did to me), the worst choice of a person- I idealized for sooooo long and just left deep scars mentally and more, health issues while being alone all along (2 surgeries no money all alone), coming across with a narcissist (You can see I was a perfect hunt already), horrible work you were expected to work 24/7 and mobbing... Wooh as I write these... I cant believe I lived through that much... oh and one of my 2 cats died when I was in hospital myself for the night of the surgery. (he was sick for months, he was old and I couldn't afford to get him treated... I feel guilty still to not have him treated and also let him died without me... maybe he thought I left him and he died. I dont know.. I am sorry Simba, I did not leave you my pancake)
You are the first therapist that has given me permission to take my anger out in a safe way. Thank you Patrick! Your insight is invaluable for people like me that need to wait for someone to tell me its okay ❤️
RUclips is frighteningly amazing. I went from looking for videos on dealing with micromanagers, to being recommended videos exposing narcissism, then dealing with rumination, and now leaving survival mode.
I'd like to add a thought about the anger/rage work in the context of where and when it is appropriate to do it. I feel it is very important to not do it where your child is around if you are a parent. My mother started to do therapy when I was still young and her therapist recommended she do this anger and rage work, but it was very triggering for me to hear her doing it at home, or when I was sitting in the waiting room at the therapist office. Even though I knew what she was doing and why and the idea behind how it would work, I still felt very uncomfortable. I remember wondering if she might ever turn this rage energy on me (she was my safe parent) I felt like if that happened I would be totally lost with two parents being angry and full of rage. I also was triggered by the simple fact that it reminded me of hearing my dad's fist hit the wall next to my head or seeing him slam things down and rage AT us. I wish her therapist had made sure she only did this work when I was not within hearing or sight of it. Just a thought for parents to remember how it might affect your kids.
@@areuarealman7269 I'm only 1 year younger than a gen x but I do know that older generations have this mindset that it's ok to have fucked up lives and to just suck it up and shut the fuck up and continue feeling miserable, not the life I want to be stuck living. It generates negativity towards others when we don't deal with our own trauma, kinda like you being an ass to me on here, you brought nothing constructive to the table and only commented to bully, not exactly a good look to have on a channel for trauma support.
@@nikstar1313 That's the problem though, many of the people needing the technique are unhealthy, often with very poor boundary skills, and they specifically need to be guided in understanding how to appropriately use the technique. That's all I was saying, that practitioners should explain to them not to do it in front of kids or even adults who could be triggered traumatically by seeing or hearing what seems like anger or aggression to look at it. An appropriate setting should be provided or suggested where others will not be adversely affected by the person working through things in this way.
My main trigger is the word "authority" because since childhood I grew up with verbally and physically abusive adults who attacked my character or beats me for my slightest mistake. Hence I grew up in fear of people of power which later changed into hatred. I am relatively calm most of the time but the simple fact of seeing someone with a position of authority makes my heart skip a beat and my survival mode gets activated worse if this person use his authority to dominate me through oppression or character assassination, I feel like an inner demon in me wants to wake up and I feel the need to attack them back. It is sad because symbolically these people are ment to protect us and make us safe but it is the contrary for me.
Patrick, you nailed it again with some great examples! The part about being the only one in the family taking care of the parents and then their messy estate(stuff) …that be me, while an absent sister threatens “criminal action” if I don’t handle things perfectly. Keep in mind there was nothing to inherit from a reverse mortgage & very little in the bank. Triggering & stressful! I cut her out of my life.
OMG what an insightful video. "You set me up to suppress my creativity and work a boring job". I had an idea for a rage room years ago but talked myself out of it. (Creativity suppression!) Thank you Patrick.
For me I’m going through survival mode because of an abusive family member , I just don’t feel the same anymore . It even affected my sleeping pattern . My abuser still contacts me and ask me to do things for them after what happened . Unbelievable! And would never admit to their abuse nor talk about it . And treat me as if not there , the silent treatment .
The greatest abuse that I experienced above violence and pettiness is the failure to communicate. People not telling you why they do what they do, no one teaching you to explain yourself or go into detail about what is happening. I was never treated fairly in my childhood, and to this day I dont think anyone involved actually understood how harmful they were.
"Living like you're running through a gauntlet"... yup. I was shocked at a high school reunion, when classmates remembered "all the fun times we had together" one event after another... and yes, I remember being there each time, but my focus was on getting through it, not having fun. And it was a recurring nightmare right into my 30's, too. Running through a landscape on high alert with a sniper shooting at me. Decades later, that's not happening now. Thank goodness.
I'm in hardcore survival mode right now. I'm having problems with my apartment, I got rejected by the college program I wanted to do, my job isn't paying enough and I'm on Employment Insurance, I'm perpetually single, I'm having health problems...
I am really excited to stumble across your channel for the first time. I grew up in survival mode and have never gotten out of it, from 1981 until now. This year has been the first year I've stayed calm and mostly not dissociating, but, I still continue to live in unstable surroundings.
I recently found this channel because I was diagnosed BPD, watching this video has helped me realize how long I've actually been stuck in survival mode and actually provided me with some validation. This video and several other videos Patrick has made about childhood trauma have really opened my eyes as to why I feel the way I do. I've been intensely fighting with my family and partners for years and feeling so invalidated and lonely. I am so thankful for these videos and I appreciate Patrick for making them!!
I never felt secure from the time I went to school My insecurity created a target for bullying, girlfriend's and boy's in my class. I didnt belong with a strong group, home was depressed in parents control. I spent many years alone wanting to belong somewhere
This also helps with repressed emotions and denial. I needed to break, I needed the anger and agony verbalize out loud. I had been holding it all inside, faking being ok, for too long and it was killing me. Once I'd said it out loud I felt better immediately. I just needed at validation from myself that what had happened wasn't ok and I didn't deserve it and having to fake being ok for others was only making the trauma worse. Raging about it was the first moment of honesty and healing for me.
I had always noticed something wasn't right about how I was always looking way ahead and waiting to do the things I want until things got better, and now that its mentioned I realise I've consistently been in survival mode for nearly 10 years, ever since middle school
Thank you sir, pls never stop posting. I'm 18 and stuck in survival mode trying hard for my entrances just so I can get out of this household. Your videos give me the hope to live through this everyday, I mean it.
Oh wow…. “Stuck.” I constantly feel that, especially lately. Survival mode seems to be my norm…. I call it autopilot, though. This video gives me things to think about. Thank you.
Thank you Patrick for your calm and empowering demeanor. I always feel empowered when I watch your videos. I wish I could find a counselor that truly understands these issues. You completely get it and outline childhood trauma so well. Thank you!
I agree with everyone else in saying that the timing of this video is great. I got diagnosed as being Autistic and having ADHD in February and have been on a months long journey in trying to understand myself and learning how to best thrive. Even before my diagnosis, I was struggling for years to figure out what was “wrong” with me (unstable employment, not enjoying my social life, etc) that I’ve been in some kind of survival mode since graduating college a decade ago. I’m finally gathering resources to better succeed mentally, help me work with my strengths and just be proud of who I am. I’m exploring a lot of the trauma and underlying shame of how I was raised with my disabilities and sometimes it’s hard and tough to fully work through but, I can tell already that I’ll be living in Thriving Mode and I can’t wait for it!!
That example was really relatable to me, although my situation isn't exactly the same. I'm 30, had to help my divorcing parents empty the house, my mom is a mild-to-moderate hoarder, my dad discarded me from his life 2 weeks ago, and I am an only child, so I had NOBODY else to turn and point to and say "your turn to help"--knowing that it was all going to fall to me anyway filled me with immense dread even before the process started, and now that the house is sold and things are winding down, I can say that I had NO IDEA just how much of an emotional battle this would be. It's all still fresh, so clawing my way out of survival mode may not be in the NEAR future, but as an adult with health insurance, I do feel empowered to get therapy.
Without extra food or money, at the moment, it hurts to hear the suggestion of throwing eggs 🥚. I'd prefer to use them as food. I've got to get the hell out of survival mode! Good video!
Thank you for explaining survival mode. I'm definitely pushing this with my therapist. I'm tired of survival mode. This explains why I have a very low tolerance for crap job environments. Boxing/kick boxing is something I so want to do for the physical fitness as well as the "release". I'm 46 and I get drained at times. Thank you for the insight.
My survival mode is so severe that I hesitate to do anything. It can be as simple as moving from one side of a room to the other side. If whatever I'm currently doing is safe enough or not too painful to be unacceptable then I will stick with it rather than risk doing anything differently
Great tips. I've been in survival mode for the past 5 or 6 years with symptoms that mirror CPTSD freeze mode and depression. Experienced a breakup and back to back job trauma from 2 very toxic workplaces that triggered burnout and all kinds of issues from childhood such as abandonment and an emotionally insecure/ neglectful enviroment.
You do not know (ofc) how perfectly timed this is. This channel has already changed my life and I haven't even started doing the actual solutions you suggest
I realized that what triggers my survival mode is not feeling secure. I'm always waiting for everything to fall apart, just like back then, and I feel powerless to stop it. Thankfully I know that I'm not powerless anymore.
I absolutely believe in rage work. I had so much rage at my parents and my ex husband after leaving an abusive narcissistic ex and also being more cognizant of my childhood. I got a punching bag, did some jiu jitsu, and even in some poetry I wrote I literally said “throwing eggs” and “jump starting an old filter”…. Thank you for your channel Patrick! I currently don’t have a therapist bc yes most are just not good or trauma informed but I appreciate that this is here.
I have a rowing machine and when I'm really upset will crank it all the way up on resistance settings and I bet it would be pretty good for rage work actually. I've never tried it while also being vocal about my feelings, now I will.
I've lived in various forms of freeze my entire life. I didn't understand why I until I researched toxic family systems. I have some knowledge, but implementing new behaviors is a stumbling block. These are great ideas. They kind of remind me of somatic experiencing therapy. Love your work Patrick!
For #2 I didn’t even realize I was doing this one, just in an unhealthy way. I used to self-harm and hit myself as a way to relieve that triggered feeling and release my upset without bothering or affecting others. Thank you for this video, I often think your videos won’t apply to me but then find it ends up being exactly what I needed to hear! 😊
I used to bite my inner arm HARD as a kid. It was a way to "balance" the anger & rage inside me that I wasn't allowed to show. I did it where the sleeves of my shirt would cover it.
@@m.maclellan7147 I completely understand, I never wanted to show my feelings because they made people upset with me. I'm sorry to hear you dealt with that.
@@m.maclellan7147 I'm happy to hear that! I am 19 and still at home so I'm gleaning as much help as I can off of these videos until I can move out and afford therapy.
I love that you're pointing out inner-adult work when inner-child works so often takes the stage in conversations about healing! Thanks for sharing this, Patrick!
Depending on how your mom was during pregnancy you can even be in survival mode pre birth. Studies show babies born from women that lived trough a traumatic event are born with hormone levels that suggest trauma
I inherited depression from my mother since father never cared about her and she'd see him through the hospital window walking along the street and je would never visit her. I controlled it for years but this pandemic manifested my suicidal tendencies more than ever.
Yes, me. I have higher than normal testosterone (as a female) from being born in a hostile environment. I'm now a high conflict individual. Always anticipating a fight response (rarely freeze or flight). Very problematic for daily living. So I isolate. Nothing is "fun" or "funny" to me. Most things are "life/death" to me. It's exhausting.
The 19 minute mark… oh shit. I’m in my late 30’s, but one of my biggest fears is exactly what is talked about in that minute. My abusive parents are hoarders, and I don’t think my brother will be helpful when the time comes they pass. I am TERRIFIED of what’s going to come up trying to get all my parents crap taken care of when they pass.
I have had terrible brain fog the last couple months. I thought maybe it was depression but I think this is much more accurate. I think rage therapy might be what I need to start climbing out. I can't stay in this place or I'll end up backsliding.
same bro. my brother 3 years ago was in a horrible skateboarding crash. terrible tbi. I havnt had the same sharp thinking ive had before sense. Its a really weird feeling just being in auto-pilot for years. Yelling legit helps lol
14:37 !! physically beat something AND, while doing that, say or yell “no, you were wrong”/etc, disagree and state the truth, direct their responsibility to them
Your videos come to me like confirmations from the universe. Every time I recognize a trigger, devise some plan, or understand myself a bit more, I see one of your videos affirm those. I'm so grateful to know that I am on the right path. I am so grateful to you as well. May you also be filled with loving kindness.
I just found this channel today and its been very helpful and informative for understanding my childhood trauma and somewhat recent trauma. Thank you for informing me and others of how our brain works with trauma, its very important and I do have limited resources of how I can find out all this. I started to go into survival mode about a few months after the start of the pandemic of covid. Before the pandemic I always was able to be an obedient daughter and repress my feelings on the outside but after I was able to be alone or with my loving siblings I could let my true feelings out. Before the pandemic my last sibling moved out which did make things harder for me but I could still handle it. Once the pandemic started and my parents got tested positive, each on different weeks they of course had to quarantine for two weeks each. They didn't want to take the time to test me so I was basically forced to quarantine with them which ended up being four weeks. Previously because of my school and their work and gym we barely saw each other which is how I could survive. But since school became online school that you had to do at home and quarantine of four weeks with my parents I was stuck. I was stuck with horrible toxic people. They were loud with everything they did and said. They said awful toxic things. They were strict and always telling me to do something. I obeyed because if I didn't then they would treat me like crap like my siblings when they stood up for themselves and weren't obedient. Several other things happened and went wrong in those four weeks (too much to type and personal) and they basically broke down my wall protecting myself and my feelings. Ever since then Ive been highly vigilant of everything they do and the most likely location of where they were in the house depending on how close or far or what kind of noise. I also shut down into what I found out, survival mode becoming numb, very very poor self care, becoming more obedient but also trying to avoid my parents at all costs (which triggered fight or flight adreniline a lot more than whats considered healthy). That survival mode lasted more than 2 years, I didn't understand it till now and felt very confused and helpless most of the time. I also waited for things to get better while hiding from the world instead of doing anything to push myself forward. Literally this morning after my parents went to work my helplessness turned into rage because of one simple sentence from them. Once I knew they were for sure gone I ranted and ranted out loud about every single thing they've done to me and my siblings during and before the pandemic for hours while walking around the house. Even though it was nice to let my feelings out, I honestly felt bad after I was finished because I felt I had said awful things even though they were true, basically guilt tripping myself. After watching this though I feel much better because I subconsciously did step 2 of this video. I'm going to try and move forward and get out of this state because I'm not taking care of myself very well (which I didn't realize till my siblings pointed it out). My plan for step 4 is to move in with my sister then cut off my parents and their toxicity so I can actually move forward instead of being frozen with fear. I've already talked to my sister about this before writing this comment, she thinks its a very good idea and was very welcoming. I'm excited for the future for the first time in a long time. All I gotta do now is pack and find a part time job close to my sister's place. Thanks again for this video, I think it saved my life honestly!
I am not financially very strong to afford therapy sessions where I stay, and these videos of yours are so helpful, because you know of so many deep rooted issues that I am already going through, and I don't even need to express myself, yet you offer me all the solutions that's needed to be a stronger, new me. Thank you so so much 🙏🙏 I am definitely going to do this!
I know this will sound harsh, but focus on your own healing. If she sees you getting better, she may ask how you did it. You can’t force healing on someone else. It has to be in their own timeframe.
Don’t worry about her. Understand she will never change, she will never admit to getting it nor will she admit to have done wrong. I spent the better part of my life hoping my parents would stop being abusive. They never did. Don’t do what I did. Odds are against your situation being an exception, is my guess.
Oh. My. God. U just voiced my exact relationship to employment. And I've always felt so alien for having this issue with employment and like main stream society/people have never been able to understand my problems around employment or understand the psychology of whats going on with that, for me. My entire adult life I've pondered whether the eligibility for disability should be changed to include people who have trauma triggers by being an employee in a traditional setting. My family dynamic was that I was the youngest of 7 and was infantilized by an authoritarian narcissist parent so my unconscious reaction to authority figures in a work relationship is to immediately get intimidated and eventually self sabotage by coming in late, forgetting the store keys, etc... to fulfill my role as the irresponsible infant/child. The only people who ever understood this were 2 of my siblings and my therapist. It made for many uncomfortable social gathering with acquaintances who could never understood why I was chronically unemployed. Can't tell you how grateful I am to have found you, Dr. P. I only wish you practiced in CA and weren't booked solid! :D
I hope you think about training other clinicians. I appreciate that you normalize leaving toxic family members and dispel the notion of familial obligations
![BLACK BAG - Official Trailer [HD] - Only in Theaters March 14](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Du0Xp8WX_7I/mqdefault.jpg)
"Anger is not a bad emotion. It's a compass. It's an empowering emotion if it's used right."
When you said, "some of you may not have a reference point because you've been in survival mode so long" I started crying
I hope that some day you can be safe.
I’ve been crying the whole time. These videos are fantastic!
@@ashleym1565don't stop at the catharsis of crying. we will have better lives when only when we apply his insights.
❤
Uh oh.. I just realised that even though I'm better(mentaly healthier) than ever before, I have never really left survival mode. I went from a jet black place to a charcoal. Yet, I think it's great, because the anxiety is gone. That's gold and a true blessing. The fears are still there, but they are mostly managable.
I'd like to have a checklist of what regular mode, not survival mode. I'm not being facetious. I'd like to know what the endgame is, what am I striving for, what do people w/o this level of trauma cope?
As a child, I was always punished for expressing my anger and frustration.
Same here and then I had to apologize to the abuser. Constantly felt insane. Now as an adult I am obsessed with LOGIC 😂
@@true_true That's interesting. I had similar experiences. I was told I shouldn't be angry, made to feel bad & wrong about feeling angry but, at the time, I was being repeatedly beaten unconscious by my mother & sexually abused by both parents. Who wouldn't feel angry? I didn't understand what was going on as a child but now I am intensely shocked at just how far crazy my parents were. They were bat shit crazy. They were insane! They shouldn't have been allowed in the same house as a child.
Logic played a really important part in my not becoming actually insane with the constant gas-lighting, mistreatment & being told my every thought & feeling were valueless, wrong & bad & that I was insane. When I based my thinking on established facts & built logically from one point to the next it helped me to feel some confidence that I had some grip on what was going on. Now I know that they were the ones that were actually insane, criminal & dangerous people! If I had had video of their behaviour they would have been locked up for a long-time.
Same here. Whenever I’d question things or feel uncomfortable I was shut down. I was supposed to be “positive” I was supposed to be “grateful”. Even though I knew things weren’t right. I was the black sheep, the bad kid even though I didn’t even know what I was going through. I lived in a home of chaos and with a narcissistic and selfish father who my mother still to this day defends… they wonder why I never call or visit… because no one ever listened. Everyone pretended it was all fine and perfect, anyone who said otherwise was shunned and punished.
@@sarahstrong7174 I fucking hate that so much. I hated having my feelings invalided. As if the only human emotion we’re supposed to feel or express is happiness and gratitude. It still makes me feel guilty to this day when I get upset about things that are wrong or unjust.
I’m so sorry you faced that disgusting amount of abuse. It’s like our “parents” didn’t want to deal with the fact that their children are having complete mental breakdowns.
@@mrs.quills7061 I am still looked at as the black sheep by some of my family, even though, both my narcissistic parents are dead. You would think I was some sort of criminal or druggy drop out. Instead my crime is that I was born & I spoke a little tiny bit too much truth occasionally.
My parents also drummed it into me that I should be positive & be grateful & that I should not complain. I was accused of being 'so sour' that I had 'a face like a pickled onion'. I was supposed to act cheerful. I was told they would like me more if I smiled.
One little question. If they wanted me to smile they could have acheived that by treating me a bit better. Stopping beating me unconscious & the occasional kind word would have worked miracles & saved them all that energy they spent hitting & kicking me. Was that too logical for them?
Narcissists want you to behave in certain ways but they do not want to act in the ways that will result in you behaving in those ways. My mother seemed to genuinely want my love & would complain that I loved the cat more than her. Honestly a little bit of kindness & a few positive words now & then would have gained her my love. I was a kid that wanted to love & be loved. Instead she destroyed my love with her relentless cruelty. Narcisissistic Personality Disorder is a severely cruel mental illness that destroys happiness, minds, health, relationships, lives & families.
We all need to keep thinking & talking about this untill we start to find ways forward. I beleive there must be ways to teach children ways of being & coping that will make it less likely they will become narcissists. This is a worldwide problem & we need a huge world wide organisation to tackle this issue & somehow reduce narcissism & all it's unhappinesses.
Oh wow when you talked about the rage/truth work and used the phrases "You set me up to be terrified to make mistakes, you set me up to pick bad partners, you set me up to hate myself." I felt a cold wash come over my entire body and I burst into tears. So clearly I need to do this work. "I was a good kid." 😥
❤️
🙏🏽
Same! Being “good” set me up to be a naive push over in the future and to have very weak boundaries
✊❤️
For real. It got me right in my ❤️
Finding a therapist is easy, finding a great therapist is difficult.
Or, you might luck out, right out of the gate, as Patrick did!
@@lauraburns8306 Only if you're a lucky female
Luck? Years of very hard work to be LICSW and the life experience before that. And the insight & sensitivity of God himself. Imo. 🙏
What makes this content so great and helpful is knowing that Patrick has gone through a crappy childhood, AND that he worked through it, SO THAT he can be present and create very compassionate and authentic material. It's very inspiring. Everybody needs a bit of hope and encouragement to pull through...
Yes!! 🥰😼
Absolutely
YES! Absolutely 💯 agree!!!!
Empathy makes a great therapist. college courses in Psychology enunciate that.
agree
I don't think I've ever been out of survival mode. I am terrified of fun or spontaneity. I am a grateful person, with a lovely family of choice that gives me joy, but I'm always waiting for the next "bad" thing and I live in fear every day. I am very, very tired. Thank you for understanding; I am woefully sorry anyone else understands this. xoxo
If you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop… Consider the possibility that it already has…
This has been helpful for me.
Best wishes to you
Good tip.
Thank you for the tip and comments❤. I also am always in fear so this is very helpful
@@mindysmith4645I can't decide whether to laugh or cry. Thanks for the tip!
"As you get healthier, you tolerate less and less b.s." Yes! This is what's been happening for me gradually over the last several years. Happy and hopeful to hear that's a sign of healing. 🙏💜
ya the only trouble with that is i have no friends and everyone thinks i'm nasty now , because i went from being a door mat - to - i'm not taking that shit anymore.
@@alysmarcus7747 hehehe, try easing into the new you. I had to.
@@alysmarcus7747 keep setting those boundaries! Ive heard that it's hard at first and you may chase away those that are used to walking all over you. Over time you will learn how to set boundaries with more grace. For now, you're doing great!
21:18
I dont tolerate BS in the slightest and its hurting my career prospects.
You are like a “mr rogers” for adults. I thank Jesus for this godsend
Hello Joanne
This was me until very recently. Once I committed to cutting ANYONE out of my life that disrupts my peace it was as if I snapped out of it. Epiphany after epiphany happened, and now I feel happy and empowered.
I completely agree! I’ve been trying to do this as well. It gets complicated when it’s your Mom or sister. I’ve tried to figure out how to navigate this…
@@peacelove6817 Feel you.... I don't talk to my brother these days but i'm already happy that I realised, he is a bully and I do not like my behaviour when he is around. He pulls me into games I do not want to go to anymore.
@@agness81 It makes me sad that I can’t keep my Mom and Sister in my life the way I want to. But when your family brings out the worst in you and they do play these mind games that are hurtful we are better off to find other people that love and support us. I hope you have those people in your life. Blessings 🙏🏼❤️
@@peacelove6817 I agree, and thank Heavens, I do have those people. Despite all, I've always found loving people. My "only prob" has always been my family... I hope you have them too to make up for your mom and sister... (But I presume you do.. Once you start seeing and value the good around, it's already a huge step ahead :) )
@@peacelove6817 I am right there with you.
"..no point of reference for not being in survival mode..." Subscribed!
"as we get healthier, we tolerate so much less BS" music to my ears 🤍
I worded a version of this to my supervisor and an abusive colleague. I said "I'm well beyond allowing myself to be abused anymore."
I got stuck on the same positive note in the end !!!! So true
The sad thing about that is it occasionally winds you up with no one in your life because they were all trying to throw you b.s.
Mine, too!
Extremely helpful video! It explains so much about my past and present. Gives me great hope for the future.
Few years ago, I literally destroyed every single furniture piece at my home after my father died and I inherited it. Every. Single. Piece. By hands and legs. No tools. Guess I just hated it all somewhere deep inside, and the place itself too, because so much bad stuff happened for over 20 years there. Moved out after I realised it.
So can confirm, breaking things helps and relieves, especially if things connected to triggers.
been there, just be careful not to do it drunk or you might not realize you severely injured yourself.... not speaking from experience or anything... *cough*
@@fluffyuffyumpkins its not okay to do that to other people's stuff. your inner child didn't need to hurt other people. That just continues the cycle of abuse. Find your own stuff or someone's curbside stuff.
There's something truly, deeply cathartic in destroying stuff that represents deep pain caused to you.
I did the Office Space thing 20 years ago (love that movie!) By taking a sledgehammer to the motherboard of a computer.
That computer had been given to me by my malignant narcessist ex bf. He had discarded me, belittled me, and made me feel worse than worthless.
He'd told me I was stupid and he'd wasted his time and money getting me a computer. He fancied himself a poet, so I'd written him countless pathetic love poems (barf) and they were all saved on that motherboard.
I'd tried so hard to prove to him that I was "worth it." But he didn't care. The love bombing phase of his narcessistic game was over. I nearly died of depression.
But intead of killing myself, I killed that damn motherboard! I killed TF out of it! It was smoking and it smelled like burnt electronics when I was done with it.
He was done with me, and I was done beating myself up about it. Instead I beat up that "gift" he had given me.
A narc never gives a real "gift." They just give Trojan hoarses. That damn computer was only a way for him to control me and then tear me down. Well I tore IT down! Along with all the pathetic, grasping love letters and all the graphic design work I'd done on it that hadn't impressed him.
Something about savagely killing that computer and all that it represented really released me from his grips.
@@themaggattack What a read. Hope you're doing great now.
@@themaggattack good job!!! There is nothing worse than narcissistic abuse by a husband or boyfriend that supposedly “loves” you. And no one can really empathize and understand it unless they’re dealt with it.
I worked one time with an awful woman who had tenure. No doubt being awful is how she chased people away to give her job security. I think too often employers allow that to happen. Anyway a gym coach took me to the punching bag. I drew a stick person and it was taped to the punching bag. Then he showed me how to punch like a boxer instead of like a “girl,” so that I didn’t hurt my wrists. Then he turned me loose to release the frustrations on that bag. It was great! To this day when things become too much I still apply that technique you’re explaining. It sure is better than beating up a person. Although some people actually do need beaten up. We have become too polite with bullies.
Whew! The job thing! I realized I chose toxic jobs that exactly replicated my family dynamics and those are the ones I stayed in the longest (6 years at one, 12 at another). Patrick you’re not a hypocrite for having a full appointment roster-that means you’re actively helping people ☺️ You only have so many hours in a day.
This video helped me realize I was doing the same thing with my current job. So glad this video is helping so many people
Exactly, his job is the opposite of toxic!
I would imagine that working for yourself, doing work you're passionate about, and knowing you're truly helping people sure beats working for someone else and feeling oppressed by a toxic work environment.
But still, I can imagine it's A LOT to sit with people and listen to their traumas, and help guide them through it constantly. Especially for such a compassionate person like him.
He shouldn't hesitate to take a few days off or lower his available hours. Because everyone needs "me time." Overworking himself too much could cause burnout, and that's not good for anyone.
Me too :^\
I don’t think he feels like a hypocrite about anything.
I think the vast majority of work places are infused with people traumatized by poor parenting. This tells us that child abuse/ very poor parenting is epidemic. Nothing new. I suggest it should be expected in every work place. If this is intolerable find a way to work at home or be entirely self employed. I would never for anyone but myself.
It’s taken 30 years of seeking therapy (bad therapy lead to false memories, overmedicated, hospitalized several times, got on disability, ECT , TMS, Ketamine infusions) to another break down to finally recognize why I’ve had these symptoms. Covert narcissistic abuse since childhood, emotional neglect, coercive control, scapegoated, designated patient… Ignored, devalued, raged at for expressing feelings. Took the focus off the abuser who came across as the saint. The programming started young. My brain and autonomic nervous system has been in freeze mode and symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome. Now telling myself I’m safe. Safe to feel, to be in my body, to think for myself… A traumatized brain can heal. The numbness protected us. Learning about somatic healing, grounding, nurturing and redefining love. An ADHD med has also finally helped and looking for good counsel. You’re a kind, intelligent, take no BS compassionate soul… Thanks for sharing your stories and insight!!
That’s reassuring to hear. Thank you for sharing. Which ADHD meds?
thank you for sharing ..I feel that some of your aha moments have triggered mine..
In a similar boat. Check out self Havening Technique. You can do it yourself. So far my nervous reactions have lessened.
Thanks for sharing, I can relate alot
Which ADHD meds worked out for your situation? Would love to bring it up with my psychiatrist
Suggested topic:
In this video, you mentioned cleaning up after a parent who’s a hoarder. What if our own childhood shame and blame issues manifested in hoarding behavior? I doubt I’m the only one struggling with this.
In addition to his scapegoating and rage issues, my father took great pleasure in making sure my mom, my sister and I never had ANY money. In addition, I NEVER got anything that I asked for at birthdays or Christmas. I felt such intense deprivation (not poverty, deliberate deprivation- he was an aerospace engineer).
I would go through catalogs for HOURS looking at things I wanted SO BADLY- it turned into an obsession. I wanted to make things, but I never had the money for supplies.
As an adult, this has manifested in unhealthy compulsive shopping/hoarding behavior. I’m determined to buy things I want in spite of him, and then I feel shame!
I was shamed for wanting things. (I was afraid to LOOK at a McDonald’s when we drove past, lest my father would see me and think I wanted to go there.)
Does anyone else have issues with money stemming from childhood abuse and neglect?
Thank you for what you do- I’m starting to make sense out of some things that I’ve repressed for decades.
I can relate. I stopped going to Christmas gatherings because I was the only one who didn't receive presents. I used to shop and purge. I don't do that now, but I really relate to your experience.
Money is a vehicle, neither good or bad on it's own. Abusers like to use it as a vehicle of shame and strip us of our humanity, our basic human desires, alienate us to our own bodies.
But God made us to enjoy things. Ecclesiastes first couple chapters speak about how enjoying food and drink is our part in our daily struggle, it's "a pleasure given by God" - when I first read that I was blown away.
I was used to being shamed for my desires, but here the Holy Book tells me basically "it's alright, it's your part"
Don't be so hard on yourself. May the highest loving spirit descend on your soul. "You're worth it... You always were"
Yes. Making money is how I feel more independent, I am treated better at work than I ever have at home, and I buy too much. I have some priorities but I'm constantly not having enough money. So essentially I'm just fixing it by working more.
Hey. I dont have the same experience with material deprivation (only emotional deprivation from a mother who could be quite unstable) - just want to tell you that I'm truly moved by your story and it brings tears to my eyes, it's so sad you went through that...I also feel pissed at your father as you deserved so much better.
@@dann10000I remember reading that verse and having the same reaction! I had a lot of cute stuff when I was a kid, which I was seriously grateful for. I shared with friends and never put myself above anyone because of what I had. My dad had a rough childhood, so out of jealousy, he treated me like I was a spoiled brat. That gave me the mindset that having good things in life was something to feel bad about, but this verse made a big difference in changing that. Its good to enjoy the blessings God gives us (as long as we don't put them above what's more important, of course). Glad to see you bringing up this verse!
"If you guys are in survival mode, there is always a way out".
Tears to my eyes immediately. Of all the words said. A surprise discovery. TY, Patrick 🔑
At this point I’m having a lot of trouble finding a way out.
I'm praying to get out of survival mode in the next year.
God willing.
6:38 Getting out of survival mode - engage inner adult
1) Explore the trigger/s
10:51 2) Do something physical for release (rage or "truth" work)
16:03 3) Connect and talk about it
17:45 4) Come up with a reasonable plan
Thank you my adhd ass was pushed away by the length of the vid. Had to see the outline of content first
I'm exhausted & in survival mode all the time!!! I need a punching bag and some gloves lol
Signs of survival mode.... fighting hard to not break down, lethargy, feeling like you can't ask for help, brain fog, forgetful, highly reactive to new, added tasks, maxed out, waiting for things to get better...Netflix, TV, veg out, escape, persevorating (spelling?), ruminating, replaying situations....ongoing for days, weeks, or months... short tempered, unable to cope with minors stressor (other people think you're overeacring to life things, like a flat tire, a broken glass needs extra effort to pick up, garbage bag broke, spilled / mess... these become " the straw the broken the camels back" because other issues have you in overwhelmed mode.
❤❤❤ could've written that but you nailed it...😮
15:54 "Anger is not a bad emotion, it is a compass."
Ah, yeah, that is very true. It's really good at getting you up and moving, literally for me. It's what made me finally move out and move away from toxic family. I can totally relate to that one. I can see this video getting up to a million views easily, so many people can benefit from this. Thank you Dr. Teahan for sharing this.
The same for me, it is my anger that gave me the strength to say enough is enough and I immediately stop contact with abusive people and enforce boundaries. They didn't like it but I was in a place where I didn't care anymore whether they like it or not. I think anger is what pushes to put ourselves first
Sometimes it can be directed unfairly at people who don't deserve it, but all feelings occur for a reason and should be recognized.
It may be a weird question but would you be open to doing a video about "making plans"? After being in survival mode for about 10 years, I discovered that I have difficulties formulating a plan because I suffered a lot from learned helplessness and it feels like having a blank page in front of you when it comes to "doing plans". It's not necessarily about lacking ideas or knowledge, it's really about being able to envision steps to take to get out of a specific state (emotional, situational, etc.). And thank you, great video btw. :)
Please! Yes! I second this request!!!
Third! Plans are really tough.
I also would like this !
One trick I HAVE found that works for me is "backward planning" ! It's not "sensible", really ! I think I am 'sneaking up' on it, that way I can't be let down ?!
I came upon it when I realized it was easier figuring out directions HOME from a place I had only been once, & once I had that in my head, I could "flip" it to figure out how to get there. Crazy explaining it, but, somehow works for me !
@@m.maclellan7147 that sounds like a really helpful way of figuring things out, especially for a person who feels lost, who doesn’t trust her intuition, after years of abuse.
So if I understand you correctly, you determine a destination or goal and then plot all the steps starting from the goal leading back to where you are now?
@@akayiatos Yes, exactly! Lol. You are much more succinct!
I went to a rage room with 2 of my friends and I broke stuff while I yelled at my mom, dad, and ex husband. It was absolutely amazing. I feel better sometimes just knowing I could go back and do it again. Just that knowledge can bring me down a couple of notches.
We have a couple of those here but I feel too embarrassed to go there.
I want a “rage” room, but instead of breaking things, I can just yell and scream, and even sing at the top of my lungs with no one able to hear me.
@@anxylum does your local library or music store rent out sound-proof recording studios?
@@VeronicaWarlockmy library has rooms, but not sound proof. And there’s no local studios in this small town. Driving out on the highway is my only option. 😕
@@anxylum do you have a music scene? How about a metal concert/show? I could see some people able to cathartically yell along with a crowd at a show or sports event, though you wouldn’t have as much freedom in what to say.
I feel you though, I have to go out to a park in the woods or my car to do this kind of work. I don’t like to cry in front of my family. Luckily for me it’s not as loud as wanting to rage.
This video has made me realize I've been in survival mode since at least 14 years old.. with all sorts of different things going on. But I'm 25 now and I'm so tired. Thankfully I've gotten closer to my sister this last year as my source of support
I wish you much success!
This is literally me. I'm so tired I don't know if I have the energy and will to even try something. Just so exhausted...
🙌💖🙏
I understand. So drained
I understand “I’m so tired” I totally relate. ❤
It's so nice to listen to someone who is not only filled with empathy for my situation, but is also trained in dealing with it.
My intuition has been telling me for a while to get a kick bag and kick the ever lovin’ crap out of it. I went to a kickboxing class for women a while ago and loved how it made me feel empowered. But i stopped going because I didn’t want to awaken a part of me that I couldn’t wield, and I felt guilty for having so much rage inside of me. I felt like I shouldn’t even feel rageful - I had no reason to feel rageful. But the ethos in my household was that everything was fine when it wasn’t. Thank you so much for validating that part of me in this video. Now I need to get a bag and listen to myself more. :)
I tried the beat up a pillow thing, but I felt like I was practicing being angry, and just going for fresh air hits the spot.
@@sage9836 fresh air is great too. :) I rather enjoy walks and bike rides.
Do it! I'm in the process of setting up my home gym with a bag. Love it! Some of us prefer explosive motions as an emotional release and great exercise.
I feel rage all the time. I told my sister about it. She told me I don't look angrily. I heard about a rage room, there you can destroy things in for a fee.
@@healerscreek I ordered a bag and gloves today ;)
I've been in survival mode for decades! At least I recognise it now but I struggle to turn it off as it's so ingrained. This video is helpfully validating.
Thank you - I've been in survival mode for most of my life and I'm 51...starting to unravel this now in therapy...
As soon as I begin to express anger in any kind of physical way, be it shouting or hitting something, it almost immediately evaporates and I'm left empty and numb, it's like my brain encounters some kind of error when it's angry and it completely reboots.
That's EVERY job I've ever had. I am terrified to try any other job again because I can't be in another fake toxic workplace again.
What happened Lindsay?
I left a toxic workplace after 20 years and have been working somewhere else for a few months. I catch myself feeling very anxious before meetings etc BUT nothing toxic or bad has happened. The culture is upbeat, people nice and I haven’t been overused. Im using it to face situations where I feel anxious and remind myself that if they turn out to be toxic, I will leave and try somewhere else. I hope that helps you.
I got my first job when I was 16 and it really taught me how to hate myself. Now I'm at a "better" job, but it's still an environment where customers can abuse you. I started screaming into a balled up jacket I had in my car and started yelling things like, "I didn't deserve that, my coworkers didn't deserve that" and I was literally amazed at how it calmed me down a bit. I had no idea this was actually a method of healing until I watched this. Thank you!!
I just wanted to say that while I am learning so much from your videos, I also feel so connected to the people commenting on your videos. It brings a lot of different perspectives and shows just how important it is to keep working on ourselves so the us and next generation in front of us can grow up more and more healthy mentally.
Yes!! While on some videos, looking at the comments section can be... a pretty significant gamble, put gently lol, I truly adore getting to hear everyone's comments here. I love that this resonates with everyone so much, even though I do wish we didn't have to go through the trauma we all did. We've all experienced so much despair, and yet the voices here hold so much hope and kindness, and I also hear the desire for something better, to work on ourselves, and wishing and wanting to be the best we can be. It's very empowering, seeing all that.
I find the comment section to be comforting. It's like group therapy where everyone can contribute.
Well, let me give you a dose of reality - you'll never _choose_ to connect with me, no matter how well I treat you. You ego won't let you connect with me because your identity is defined partially by the strangers you need to feel more powerful than - of which I am one. _Every_ human being is a bully first, no matter what - not bullying people in your social circle is the _exceptional_ behavior, not the default.
@@AtariEric This sounds like it's coming from a place of deep trauma. Connection is subjective, and the fact that so many people feel it and can choose love means it's possible. Even with strangers. I sincerely hope you've managed to heal some since you wrote this comment, or at least get the right therapy to gain more awareness of it. Big love to you.
@@jessied3210 I've had enough therapy for expert psychologists to find out (in horror) that I have been injured by dishonest people like you too badly to ever recover - and all of your "hope" is merely mockery, knowing what you've done and knowing full well you'll do it again until I _stay_ injured.
And "connection" is only "subjective" in order to discriminate arbitrarily without suffering the punishments you would had your dishonest judgements been based on objective criteria. Whenever they are, I can prove I meet _or exceed_ those criteria and expose your rejections as being in bad faith.
The fact is, people _choose_ not to connect with me out of their own narcissistic need to wield power over me because it seem my very _existence_ triggers humanity's insecurities. That's not my fault - nor is it my "trauma". That is your _choice_ to be cruel so you can derive pleasure from my pain. It doesn't matter what's "possible" - what matter is that you'd rather die than get over yourselves and treat me like an equal.
I'm sick and tired of people complaining and accusing me whenever I simply observe and correctly analyze their behavior.
Jesus christ, I sat through half a year of in-person therapy before the plague, and these free videos are leagues more useful than that therapist ever was.
The hoarding parent with an extremely toxic sibling really hit home. I just went through my dad's death.
I was always the caretaker for my parents and sibling, forced to be the responsible one for them. Once both parents passed away, and having my own children now-- I refuse to play that part with my sibling anymore.
To all those who had that dynamic with their parents and siblings-- It's ok to take care of YOU, and it doesn't make you a failure if you can only manage that sometimes. You deserve to be loved and listened to instead of giving everything of yourself to ungrateful and manipulative people. Love to all! ❤
Me too.
Tyvm ❤️
Can you please make a video about children who were made to raise their siblings and parent their parents as adults? I don’t know how to make decisions but I’m really good at executing them. I don’t know how to create my own structure and routine in life… and all the other oldest daughters I know have the same issue OR they are overwhelmed by having to make all the decisions
Watching this on my break and crying in my classroom because I relate sooo bad to a job not working out/ imposter syndrome! This could NOT have came at a better time!!!
I taught high school for thirty years and retired in June of 2016. I don't know how old you are or how long you've been teaching, but I'll share my experience in the hope that it will be of some use to you. I grew up the third son in a family of four children, and am the youngest by five years. My father lost his business and our house after having to declare bankruptcy when I was about five. He drank, my mom over-ate, and they both raged. However, they were also often very loving and affectionate. There are many other details, but suffice it to say I fit Patrick's definition of childhood trauma. I went to university, thinking I would go into law (as my parents hoped), the civil service, or academia. I didn't decide on a teaching career until I crashed and burned on the LSAT (didn't study) and though I scored well on the foreign service entrance test, it wasn't good enough to get an interview. While I had been invited by the head of my university department to do my masters, I decided I had had enough of the ivory tower, at least temporarily. A career in teaching would allow me to get started in life, have a steady income, travel, maybe even get married (I hadn't dated anyone in university and had only done so a couple of times in high school, but why should that matter?). And I could always decide to do my masters later. Eventually. So I did a fifth year at university to get enough English credits to qualify to take it as a teachable subject at the faculty of education, and after graduating from the faculty (almost blew it due to procrastination), I had some incredible luck. I had supply taught for only three months when I was offered a permanent position. Of course, it was in one of the least desirable high schools in the board, but I did say incredible, not good, luck. Anyway, if you could teach there, you could teach anywhere. So I stayed there for fifteen years. I didn't hate the job. I really enjoyed helping young people, and though I loathed planning, marking, and especially bureaucratic "next-big-thingism", I always felt that I was doing something useful, at least for most of them, and I knew this from the mostly positive feedback I got from students and parents, not "performance evaluations". I did get involved in our union, and was union rep for two work-to-rules and a lock-out. After the lock-out I decided that there was no hope of positive change given the trustees on the board, so I decided I needed a change, and got a full time position with another, coterminous, board. Conditions and salary were much better; I also had joined a recovery program and even got married. But indecision and self-doubt, aggravated by procrastination, eventually got me into trouble with an administrator who was at war with her staff, not just me. I was formally reprimanded; she was finally promoted out of our school, and I got involved with our union again. The union involvement also allowed me to meet and work with people from other schools, and I eventually became union rep at my second school, resigning from that position the year before I retired. A good thing, too, because we ended up on strike that year. Incredible luck... So all I have to say to you is, make up your mind, and that's coming from someone who hates doing just that. It's your life, and you haven't a moment to lose. But if you stay, make your satisfaction in the job your primary goal. That isn't being selfish. It's necessary for you to grow and to become both a better person and a better teacher. Find as many positive reasons as you can for enjoying it. They're sitting infront of you every day, in your classroom, staffroom, department office and union local. Some are even administrators. Not a bad public, that. Whatever you decide, I wish you blessings and true happiness.
I fired my therapist yesterday. I was already 100% certain I did the right thing & did it right on time without squandering another moment second-guessing myself. This video has validated my decision another 1,000 %. I hope the quest for the right therapist doesn't kill me before my time, but Patrick if you could clone yourself, we need thousands more like you! I've been WRITING by hand in my journal about how I'm in "survival mode" & it feels like youtube is reading either my mind, my journal, or both! Great video. I know when I address this, everything else gets less impossible and overwhelming. Thanks again.
Wow:"Anger isn't a bad emotion. It's a compass."
I’m in total survival mode since around 2008, but from 2017-2020 has been the worst. I had a complete mental/emotional breakdown last year because of trauma triggers back-to-back and just knocking the wind out of my sails repeatedly.
One thing after another after another happened until I was in a fugue state. Without being institutionalized, and without medication, in a year and a half, my therapist has helped me get to the point where I’m training others at work and supervising my younger/newer coworkers.
I couldn’t even order food from a drive thru before. People like you and my therapist are literally saving lives with the content and therapy you provide, so thank you! 😊
Wow! Me too! In 2008, I was pregnant, planning my wedding, (please, no judgment in the order of those 2 things) getting ready to move into a new home that we would share with my parents (just as it was becoming obvious that my Mom was an alcoholic) and at the last minute, my sister and her family, due to her own emotional and financial crisis, moved into the same house with us! It's a really HUGE old house. Space was not an issue. However, constant arguments between my sister and her husband was really upsetting to me and triggered feelings from my past marriage to a narcissist. Whew! That was a crazy amount of change to deal with and the only place I felt serenity and secure in my environment was at work. I had a job working at a department store counting money and balancing daily register sales. I worked alone in a room that NO ONE was allowed in except me while I was working so I was totally in control of my environment. Everyone else was locked out, but I could come and go as needed. I felt important and empowered to be myself and confident in my abilities. This job had actually helped me have the confidence to leave the narcissistic ex-husband. Then one day, as I was about to leave work, I was called in to see the manager. The company had decided that the job I had would be condensed into half the time and I was expected to cashier the other half of the day! The thought of having to leave my, literal, "safe" room and talk to strangers was terrifying because I had come to realize that I was very much an introvert and always felt like I had to put on a mask as an outgoing person whenever I had worked in public settings. That is exhausting and also that environment was overwhelmingly loud and busy for me. I'm sorry this is such a long story. The point is that now that one place I felt like I had control in my life was being taken away from me. I could not just quit as I had good medical benefits and I was pregnant. This all led to a long slow deterioration of my sense of self and 7 years later I had a complete breakdown. Too many more things including pandemic, my parents deteriating health and an "ice -pocalypse all in one year has really put me back into a constant state of survival mode and all the normal daily tasks or even leaving the house feels like more than I can manage most days.
If you read all this, Thank you for listening. 🥰 It actually helped to just get this all out.
This video gave me a lot of insight. Thank you for sharing your story too. It's validating to know that, although sadly others have gone through this too, just to know that they understand really does help. I'm not just weak or lazy or crazy! Best wishes in your recovery! I'm already plotting what I can destroy to let my inner rage out. Although listening to some really angry heavy metal music has helped! 😉 Thank you again for sharing.
@@deborahducret-shiley6309 Hey, thank you a lot for your story. It sounds really tough, but I'm sure you are strong enough to find a working solution. I struggle a lot with survival mode myself right now and I know the feeling of exhaustion really good. I'm living with roommates who have the habit of playing loud music in the middle of the night and not cleaning after themselves. High energy costs and unstable finances are a thing and then the dad of my boyfriend died and triggert the trauma of my own father's dead. I'm really exhausted too, but I try to stay positive and find one solution at the time. Even if I only change my routine to go to a park after school instead of going straight back home to my toxic roommates, if it helps a little and gives you a break and you can breathe for a moment, than it is a good change. I hope you get better and get help from your environment. Live is a lot sometimes. I wish you all the best.
PS: I also love heavy metal :) and I do a lot of sport, like Volleyball and climbing. Just physical exhaustion is good, because if your body is tired your brain can not catastophise anymore
For the past maybe 6 years school has made me constantly stressed, never being able to really relax even on holidays or weekends. I also get that brain fog sensation and I procrastinate as much as possible after school. I just wake up as late as possible, go to school, go home and start watching youtube until I fall asleep bc I cant hold my eyes open. I used to be so tired that Id fall asleep with my jeans and uncomfortable day clothes on not even caring. I sleep so little and I dont care about taking care of myself. School makes me cry daily... It makes me not want to fall asleep bc I never wanna wake up. What makes it worse is that I forget 99% of what I work so hard to learn for tests, it just feels so pointless. Ive been working on myself for years and educating myself on mental heath and its still so hard, even if I now have a happy healthy relationship and something to look forward to. But I never ever give up. No matter how much I hate living sometimes its worth it. Every happy moment when I learn something I actually care about, every happy moment with my boyfriend, every minor success just every time I love life. School will end someday and it will be one of the happiest days of my entire life for sure c:
Keep at it. I was in your shoes in a miserable family life with abusive narcissistic parents who held college monies over my head so I never finished my degree. I did other things in life.
Keep at it. Go in bite sized pieces. Talk with TRUSTED councilors who get what you are enduring, maybe there are other programs or supplemental ways of coping with things. I am out of this over 40 some odd years, and sometimes events in my life will reappear in dreams or memories due to visual cues or triggers. It's a life long situation that you may have to fight. Make helping others a way of healing. Through doing this work, you will engender compassion, and will eventually gain joy and happiness in viewing others' successes! Ex. "we all win!" I want that for you, dear. Don't give up. I am passing my baton on to you.
Damn..I feel you..what helped me was trying to change the way I look at everything in life and even my past..and trying to control your thoughts and emotions..like I hated my job so much that I would get sick everyday i went ..so I started to think about and feel hkw my last day would be going into my entrepreneurial moves and having 80k a month in the bank..I did it all the time and it helped alot..peace and you got this
Wow! you sound alot like how I was. I'm a christian and that's how I got through and get through my life.
You deserve every hug you get.
I've been in therapy since 2009, I've had three therapists. None have specifically talked about childhood trauma. Until watching your videos, I didn't know there was a body of work that addressed childhood trauma this way. I feel like I've had an aha moment. It's a literal breakthrough, being able to connect the dots. I also appreciate that you give this topic a platform. Before finding this, I felt ashamed, alone, like I was damaged. Thank you.
It’s unfortunate how we pay for years of therapy and the therapist that gets it without ever meeting us is FREE and on RUclips!
@poshperfect1393 Yesss...I think the same thing. I asked my daughter who referred me to this channel, "Where are these therapists in real life?!?
This is exactly what I needed. I just realised that I've been in survival mode for so long that I've forgotten what it's like not being in it, if I was ever not in it. It feels like a chunk of my memories have been erased but they occasionally pop up.
11:54 "jumpstarting a dead battery"...omg that is just the perfect analogy. This was the problem for me for years....how do I do this? This is enormously lonely and difficult work to do without support. Addressing, admitting, coping with and accepting the pain created in our lives by others shitty behaviour towards us is CRUCIAL to getting thru family trauma issues, and needs to be done before we can start fixing problem maladaptive behaviour in our own lives, at least that's how Ive come to see it. People like us really need to work with people who understand family trauma and the enormous pain it creates in lives, with those who aren't scared off by our pain, as we need to get to the point where we are in a place to deal proactively with all the negative consequences living in these messed up environments creates in our present lives so we can improve our lives. This leads me to my last point: the field of psychology fails men on a very large scale on this issue: being largely female dominated, women in this field by in large do not understand male emotional pain as the anger component throws them off and puts them in a defensive position of responding to us with shame, blame or disengagement (which of course just makes the situation worse) instead of accepting it for what it is - the response mechanism of a human being struggling to cope with being harmed by others.
I’ve grown accustomed to living in survival mode. Though, I have a special set of circumstances that puts me in this mode even beyond childhood trauma. I’d definitely recommend getting out of it if you can, because I’ve honestly grown more convinced over the past 13 years that the increased cortisol has impacted my brain chemistry 😂
My whole life is a gauntlet, btw.
Cortisol makes us fat too.
Don't forget digestive function and immune system! And blood flow! Cortisol comes from the brain and messes up the body, but oxytocin (trust hormone) inhibits (turns off) cortisol! And u can get it by cuddling someone or something you trust
You might be interested in checking out the nutritional y t channels of Dr. Eric Berg and Thomas De Lauer - they're keto specific but have an amazing knowledge of nutrients and other health related topics so check them out. I know they've made really interesting / helpful / educational videos on cortisol, stress, adrenals, etc. So maybe search y t for their channels and those topics.
I saw one recently on Bergs channel about how to manage stress and decrease cortisol.
I'm coming back to this video in 2024. It just happened to pop up in my feed again and just at the right time, too. I'm grateful for the healing I've experienced since the first time I watched this, and for Patrick's videos in general-they give me a language to articulate how and why my brain operates the way that it does. And just knowing that there's a community of ppl here who understand what it's like to live with this stuff really helped me feel more connected and less alone, and all that gave me a lot of hope.
About a month ago, I started a new job, and I actually really love it. But yesterday, something really uncomfortable happened with a co-worker. (He is also new, not a superior.) So, after I disengaged from the situation, I got kind of angry, and I realized right away that I had gone into survival mode at some point during the interaction. It seemed really innocuous at first-friendly banter between colleagues. But then suddenly it got very personal, and by the end of it, I was agreeing to things (not work related) that I didn't actually want to do, because I'd gone into this fawning type of response. So the hope shot is this: we can become more aware of when
I bought a bunch of old plates and glasses, wrapped them in plastic, put them under a welcome mat, and used a hammer to beat the sh*t out of them. I had to use a ‘bite rag’ so that I could scream without freaking out neighbors. I also used gloves and eye protection. Afterwards, I felt so much better. I was physically exhausted and it felt great to scream my guts out. (I once had a therapist tell me that anger was not actually a feeling. Um...yes it.)
I’ve been in active survival mode since 2017 and it’s a very slow process because I’ve had no idea how to get out of it. This video is a prefect kick in the butt to work on it rather than stew in it.
Patrick, you are gifted. And, again, your plaid shirts are obviously tailored by a magician.
Understanding anger as a SECONDARY emotion was a game changer for me. Meaning something else leads to anger: unmet expectations, hunger, sadness, disappointment, etc. There are different definitions for "emotions" and "feelings" but I'm not sure I really understand it.
(P.S. I love your idea so much... I may be trying this myself.)
The other night after work I was so mad I took a couple of my glass cups and went out to the alley behind my apartment and smashed them into the ground
@@williamburk5818 did you also push the broom afterwards? If so, how did that feel?
I started to plant things in my garden a few years ago and I found very helpful to take out the weeds from the ground with as much fury as I could but now I understand why this experience is therapeutic for me.
This was insane timing!!!! I just learned about this while looking for ways to be better as a mom! As someone who came from a very toxic abusive and low income environment in unlearning a lot
Sending ❤️
I hope you find everything you need 🤗
me too!!!!! crazy! lets do it. lets be better moms.
hugs, boo. we can do this!
@@nancyzehr3679 me three!
You are all so sweet and supportive! ❤️ I wish everyone here a wonderful healthy recovery and healing ❤️
Wow! His description of survival mode feels like he's explaining my lifelong personality. I got a text message yesterday and had to get drunk and ruin a whole day just to read it even though it wasn't high stakes
I have never heard of using ragework to do truthwork. The situation were you descibe using ragework while you use your voice to hold family systems acountable sounded powerful as a healing tool. Thanks for sharing!
When I was a teenager in a Psychosomatic clinic I did this Truth work in a group session. Those around me acted like my father and I finally figured out that my attempts to have him see me (workaholic and alcoholic) that this was the root to my Psychosomatic Bulimia... Very Therapeutic. Promise... I've been working on myself for decades... my new therapist is amazing. 4 years now.
Hey, I just wanted to talk about this... idea I had while listening to your video. I feel a little silly about it but I want to try sharing it.
So I'm back living with my abusive father right now, yeah? It happened during the pandemic. A bunch of really bad stuff happened too. Worst case scenario type stuff.
So I'm here. Struggling to stay functional enough to get a job, have money again. Facing a high probability of being homeless in a relatively unfamiliar town. Facing the fact that my father is not going to change and that too much damage has been done. Facing the fact that my family of origin can't be trusted, as much as I fawned and scrambled and cried and freaked out for the first 28 years of my life. So, that's my situation, right?
I had this really strong visual come on at the tail end of your video. Me, driving in a car that works, listening to loud rock music. Me feeling free and beautifully alone at 2AM. Me doing art that makes me happy. Me, meeting new people, and knowing what to look for now. Me, trusting my judgement. Feeling okay. Just me, feeling okay. Maybe feeling happy? Maybe. At the very least, it's a picture of me feeling okay.
Anyway, thanks for the videos. You're reminding me to stay hopeful. Things have been shit for a while, but I want to keep that vision in my head. Just to know it's a possibility.
Hey, good for you ! Definitely try to find other Artists ~ this is kind of my "chosen family" now - still keep in touch with my f'd up family ~ but only my sister isn't crazy ! Look for Mill building if you're in the East Coast (if you're in USA) - often rents are more affordable in mill buildings.....maybe see if you can find a place local to you. Look into studio sublets or shares ~ that's how I got my foot in the door ! Best decision I ever did.
You might also look for "Maker spaces" as well.
Good luck.
❤️
I hope you made it out.
started in 2018... with the loss of my granies who raised me and were my safe space then everything has crashed down. financial problems, cutting ties with a narcissistic mother and realizing a really toxic patterns of my uncle whom I think love (brother of my mother, the whole dysfunction of the family, obviously my grannies did not behave them like they did to me), the worst choice of a person- I idealized for sooooo long and just left deep scars mentally and more, health issues while being alone all along (2 surgeries no money all alone), coming across with a narcissist (You can see I was a perfect hunt already), horrible work you were expected to work 24/7 and mobbing...
Wooh as I write these... I cant believe I lived through that much...
oh and one of my 2 cats died when I was in hospital myself for the night of the surgery. (he was sick for months, he was old and I couldn't afford to get him treated... I feel guilty still to not have him treated and also let him died without me... maybe he thought I left him and he died. I dont know.. I am sorry Simba, I did not leave you my pancake)
You are the first therapist that has given me permission to take my anger out in a safe way. Thank you Patrick! Your insight is invaluable for people like me that need to wait for someone to tell me its okay ❤️
RUclips is frighteningly amazing. I went from looking for videos on dealing with micromanagers, to being recommended videos exposing narcissism, then dealing with rumination, and now leaving survival mode.
This right here is the best rabbit hole I fall into on YT.
I'd like to add a thought about the anger/rage work in the context of where and when it is appropriate to do it. I feel it is very important to not do it where your child is around if you are a parent. My mother started to do therapy when I was still young and her therapist recommended she do this anger and rage work, but it was very triggering for me to hear her doing it at home, or when I was sitting in the waiting room at the therapist office. Even though I knew what she was doing and why and the idea behind how it would work, I still felt very uncomfortable. I remember wondering if she might ever turn this rage energy on me (she was my safe parent) I felt like if that happened I would be totally lost with two parents being angry and full of rage. I also was triggered by the simple fact that it reminded me of hearing my dad's fist hit the wall next to my head or seeing him slam things down and rage AT us. I wish her therapist had made sure she only did this work when I was not within hearing or sight of it. Just a thought for parents to remember how it might affect your kids.
Now I know why I only get along with Gen x and older you tripping cuz it's loud ?Yeah you wouldn't like my 2nd jailer at all .
@@areuarealman7269 I'm only 1 year younger than a gen x but I do know that older generations have this mindset that it's ok to have fucked up lives and to just suck it up and shut the fuck up and continue feeling miserable, not the life I want to be stuck living. It generates negativity towards others when we don't deal with our own trauma, kinda like you being an ass to me on here, you brought nothing constructive to the table and only commented to bully, not exactly a good look to have on a channel for trauma support.
I don’t think healthy people will do this around their kids, they are trying to break the pattern and no enforce it.
@@nikstar1313 That's the problem though, many of the people needing the technique are unhealthy, often with very poor boundary skills, and they specifically need to be guided in understanding how to appropriately use the technique. That's all I was saying, that practitioners should explain to them not to do it in front of kids or even adults who could be triggered traumatically by seeing or hearing what seems like anger or aggression to look at it. An appropriate setting should be provided or suggested where others will not be adversely affected by the person working through things in this way.
My main trigger is the word "authority" because since childhood I grew up with verbally and physically abusive adults who attacked my character or beats me for my slightest mistake. Hence I grew up in fear of people of power which later changed into hatred. I am relatively calm most of the time but the simple fact of seeing someone with a position of authority makes my heart skip a beat and my survival mode gets activated worse if this person use his authority to dominate me through oppression or character assassination, I feel like an inner demon in me wants to wake up and I feel the need to attack them back. It is sad because symbolically these people are ment to protect us and make us safe but it is the contrary for me.
Patrick, you nailed it again with some great examples! The part about being the only one in the family taking care of the parents and then their messy estate(stuff) …that be me, while an absent sister threatens “criminal action” if I don’t handle things perfectly. Keep in mind there was nothing to inherit from a reverse mortgage & very little in the bank. Triggering & stressful! I cut her out of my life.
Your sister reminds me of a cousin of mine.
tell the sister to sort it out herself or keep it shut.
OMG what an insightful video. "You set me up to suppress my creativity and work a boring job". I had an idea for a rage room years ago but talked myself out of it. (Creativity suppression!) Thank you Patrick.
For me I’m going through survival mode because of an abusive family member , I just don’t feel the same anymore . It even affected my sleeping pattern . My abuser still contacts me and ask me to do things for them after what happened . Unbelievable! And would never admit to their abuse nor talk about it . And treat me as if not there , the silent treatment .
The greatest abuse that I experienced above violence and pettiness is the failure to communicate. People not telling you why they do what they do, no one teaching you to explain yourself or go into detail about what is happening. I was never treated fairly in my childhood, and to this day I dont think anyone involved actually understood how harmful they were.
Leaving a comment for the algorithm so your message can continue to spread. Thank you.
"Living like you're running through a gauntlet"... yup. I was shocked at a high school reunion, when classmates remembered "all the fun times we had together" one event after another... and yes, I remember being there each time, but my focus was on getting through it, not having fun. And it was a recurring nightmare right into my 30's, too. Running through a landscape on high alert with a sniper shooting at me. Decades later, that's not happening now. Thank goodness.
I'm in hardcore survival mode right now. I'm having problems with my apartment, I got rejected by the college program I wanted to do, my job isn't paying enough and I'm on Employment Insurance, I'm perpetually single, I'm having health problems...
Sending love. 💕
Sending you love and healing 💚💚
@Merle Langlois Nothing wrong with being single, far better than being in a bad relationship
I hope things are getting better for you. Let us know how you are doing.
I hope things are looking up for you!
I am really excited to stumble across your channel for the first time. I grew up in survival mode and have never gotten out of it, from 1981 until now. This year has been the first year I've stayed calm and mostly not dissociating, but, I still continue to live in unstable surroundings.
Thank you for the helpful info! I will try this when I am trying to turn off my hyper-vigilance after I get triggered.
Fuck, it sounds like I've been in survival mode for my entire adulthood
Really thinking back, I can relate.
I recently found this channel because I was diagnosed BPD, watching this video has helped me realize how long I've actually been stuck in survival mode and actually provided me with some validation. This video and several other videos Patrick has made about childhood trauma have really opened my eyes as to why I feel the way I do. I've been intensely fighting with my family and partners for years and feeling so invalidated and lonely. I am so thankful for these videos and I appreciate Patrick for making them!!
I never felt secure from the time I went to school
My insecurity created a target for bullying, girlfriend's and boy's in my class.
I didnt belong with a strong group, home was depressed in parents control.
I spent many years alone wanting to belong somewhere
This also helps with repressed emotions and denial. I needed to break, I needed the anger and agony verbalize out loud. I had been holding it all inside, faking being ok, for too long and it was killing me. Once I'd said it out loud I felt better immediately. I just needed at validation from myself that what had happened wasn't ok and I didn't deserve it and having to fake being ok for others was only making the trauma worse. Raging about it was the first moment of honesty and healing for me.
I had always noticed something wasn't right about how I was always looking way ahead and waiting to do the things I want until things got better, and now that its mentioned I realise I've consistently been in survival mode for nearly 10 years, ever since middle school
“If you have a problem, YOU’RE the problem.” Such an easy thing to do, blame, instead of understanding what is actually going on…WOW…Thanks!
YES, o my god!
Thank you sir, pls never stop posting. I'm 18 and stuck in survival mode trying hard for my entrances just so I can get out of this household. Your videos give me the hope to live through this everyday, I mean it.
Oh wow…. “Stuck.” I constantly feel that, especially lately. Survival mode seems to be my norm…. I call it autopilot, though. This video gives me things to think about. Thank you.
Thank you Patrick for your calm and empowering demeanor. I always feel empowered when I watch your videos. I wish I could find a counselor that truly understands these issues. You completely get it and outline childhood trauma so well. Thank you!
I agree with everyone else in saying that the timing of this video is great. I got diagnosed as being Autistic and having ADHD in February and have been on a months long journey in trying to understand myself and learning how to best thrive.
Even before my diagnosis, I was struggling for years to figure out what was “wrong” with me (unstable employment, not enjoying my social life, etc) that I’ve been in some kind of survival mode since graduating college a decade ago.
I’m finally gathering resources to better succeed mentally, help me work with my strengths and just be proud of who I am. I’m exploring a lot of the trauma and underlying shame of how I was raised with my disabilities and sometimes it’s hard and tough to fully work through but, I can tell already that I’ll be living in Thriving Mode and I can’t wait for it!!
Hey, check out "How to ADHD" here on RUclips. Really sweet gal that does the videos & she gets in experts ~Super helpful stuff !
@@m.maclellan7147 Oh yes, I’m a subscriber of How to ADHD and I love her videos!!
That example was really relatable to me, although my situation isn't exactly the same. I'm 30, had to help my divorcing parents empty the house, my mom is a mild-to-moderate hoarder, my dad discarded me from his life 2 weeks ago, and I am an only child, so I had NOBODY else to turn and point to and say "your turn to help"--knowing that it was all going to fall to me anyway filled me with immense dread even before the process started, and now that the house is sold and things are winding down, I can say that I had NO IDEA just how much of an emotional battle this would be. It's all still fresh, so clawing my way out of survival mode may not be in the NEAR future, but as an adult with health insurance, I do feel empowered to get therapy.
Patrick-just...no words🥺
Without extra food or money, at the moment, it hurts to hear the suggestion of throwing eggs 🥚. I'd prefer to use them as food. I've got to get the hell out of survival mode! Good video!
Thank you for explaining survival mode. I'm definitely pushing this with my therapist. I'm tired of survival mode. This explains why I have a very low tolerance for crap job environments. Boxing/kick boxing is something I so want to do for the physical fitness as well as the "release". I'm 46 and I get drained at times. Thank you for the insight.
I have really wanted to start working out with a punch bag. Im 51 and didn't have the confidence to make it happen.. Until i read your post thanks 👍💯
My survival mode is so severe that I hesitate to do anything. It can be as simple as moving from one side of a room to the other side. If whatever I'm currently doing is safe enough or not too painful to be unacceptable then I will stick with it rather than risk doing anything differently
Great tips. I've been in survival mode for the past 5 or 6 years with symptoms that mirror CPTSD freeze mode and depression. Experienced a breakup and back to back job trauma from 2 very toxic workplaces that triggered burnout and all kinds of issues from childhood such as abandonment and an emotionally insecure/ neglectful enviroment.
I know this video is two years old but… love and light to you Patrick! The impact of your videos on my life is immeasurable!
You do not know (ofc) how perfectly timed this is. This channel has already changed my life and I haven't even started doing the actual solutions you suggest
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Big mood indeed lol
I realized that what triggers my survival mode is not feeling secure. I'm always waiting for everything to fall apart, just like back then, and I feel powerless to stop it. Thankfully I know that I'm not powerless anymore.
Patrick Teahan, you are a beautiful person!
I absolutely believe in rage work. I had so much rage at my parents and my ex husband after leaving an abusive narcissistic ex and also being more cognizant of my childhood. I got a punching bag, did some jiu jitsu, and even in some poetry I wrote I literally said “throwing eggs” and “jump starting an old filter”…. Thank you for your channel Patrick! I currently don’t have a therapist bc yes most are just not good or trauma informed but I appreciate that this is here.
I have a rowing machine and when I'm really upset will crank it all the way up on resistance settings and I bet it would be pretty good for rage work actually. I've never tried it while also being vocal about my feelings, now I will.
I've lived in various forms of freeze my entire life. I didn't understand why I until I researched toxic family systems. I have some knowledge, but implementing new behaviors is a stumbling block. These are great ideas. They kind of remind me of somatic experiencing therapy. Love your work Patrick!
For #2 I didn’t even realize I was doing this one, just in an unhealthy way. I used to self-harm and hit myself as a way to relieve that triggered feeling and release my upset without bothering or affecting others. Thank you for this video, I often think your videos won’t apply to me but then find it ends up being exactly what I needed to hear! 😊
I used to bite my inner arm HARD as a kid. It was a way to "balance" the anger & rage inside me that I wasn't allowed to show. I did it where the sleeves of my shirt would cover it.
@@m.maclellan7147 I completely understand, I never wanted to show my feelings because they made people upset with me. I'm sorry to hear you dealt with that.
@@julietteferrars3097 So much better, thanks ! Had therapy in my early 20's. Saved my life, truly.
@@m.maclellan7147 I'm happy to hear that! I am 19 and still at home so I'm gleaning as much help as I can off of these videos until I can move out and afford therapy.
@@julietteferrars3097 Thank you.. are you in the U.S.A., or ?!
I love that you're pointing out inner-adult work when inner-child works so often takes the stage in conversations about healing! Thanks for sharing this, Patrick!
Depending on how your mom was during pregnancy you can even be in survival mode pre birth. Studies show babies born from women that lived trough a traumatic event are born with hormone levels that suggest trauma
I inherited depression from my mother since father never cared about her and she'd see him through the hospital window walking along the street and je would never visit her. I controlled it for years but this pandemic manifested my suicidal tendencies more than ever.
My father punched my mother in the stomach when she was pregnant with me. But I was the bad one in the family. Yeah, right.
Wow
Yes, me. I have higher than normal testosterone (as a female) from being born in a hostile environment. I'm now a high conflict individual. Always anticipating a fight response (rarely freeze or flight). Very problematic for daily living. So I isolate. Nothing is "fun" or "funny" to me. Most things are "life/death" to me. It's exhausting.
The 19 minute mark… oh shit. I’m in my late 30’s, but one of my biggest fears is exactly what is talked about in that minute. My abusive parents are hoarders, and I don’t think my brother will be helpful when the time comes they pass. I am TERRIFIED of what’s going to come up trying to get all my parents crap taken care of when they pass.
I have had terrible brain fog the last couple months. I thought maybe it was depression but I think this is much more accurate. I think rage therapy might be what I need to start climbing out. I can't stay in this place or I'll end up backsliding.
same bro. my brother 3 years ago was in a horrible skateboarding crash. terrible tbi. I havnt had the same sharp thinking ive had before sense. Its a really weird feeling just being in auto-pilot for years. Yelling legit helps lol
14:37 !!
physically beat something AND, while doing that, say or yell “no, you were wrong”/etc, disagree and state the truth, direct their responsibility to them
Your videos come to me like confirmations from the universe. Every time I recognize a trigger, devise some plan, or understand myself a bit more, I see one of your videos affirm those. I'm so grateful to know that I am on the right path. I am so grateful to you as well. May you also be filled with loving kindness.
I just found this channel today and its been very helpful and informative for understanding my childhood trauma and somewhat recent trauma. Thank you for informing me and others of how our brain works with trauma, its very important and I do have limited resources of how I can find out all this.
I started to go into survival mode about a few months after the start of the pandemic of covid. Before the pandemic I always was able to be an obedient daughter and repress my feelings on the outside but after I was able to be alone or with my loving siblings I could let my true feelings out. Before the pandemic my last sibling moved out which did make things harder for me but I could still handle it. Once the pandemic started and my parents got tested positive, each on different weeks they of course had to quarantine for two weeks each. They didn't want to take the time to test me so I was basically forced to quarantine with them which ended up being four weeks. Previously because of my school and their work and gym we barely saw each other which is how I could survive. But since school became online school that you had to do at home and quarantine of four weeks with my parents I was stuck. I was stuck with horrible toxic people. They were loud with everything they did and said. They said awful toxic things. They were strict and always telling me to do something. I obeyed because if I didn't then they would treat me like crap like my siblings when they stood up for themselves and weren't obedient. Several other things happened and went wrong in those four weeks (too much to type and personal) and they basically broke down my wall protecting myself and my feelings. Ever since then Ive been highly vigilant of everything they do and the most likely location of where they were in the house depending on how close or far or what kind of noise. I also shut down into what I found out, survival mode becoming numb, very very poor self care, becoming more obedient but also trying to avoid my parents at all costs (which triggered fight or flight adreniline a lot more than whats considered healthy).
That survival mode lasted more than 2 years, I didn't understand it till now and felt very confused and helpless most of the time. I also waited for things to get better while hiding from the world instead of doing anything to push myself forward. Literally this morning after my parents went to work my helplessness turned into rage because of one simple sentence from them. Once I knew they were for sure gone I ranted and ranted out loud about every single thing they've done to me and my siblings during and before the pandemic for hours while walking around the house. Even though it was nice to let my feelings out, I honestly felt bad after I was finished because I felt I had said awful things even though they were true, basically guilt tripping myself. After watching this though I feel much better because I subconsciously did step 2 of this video. I'm going to try and move forward and get out of this state because I'm not taking care of myself very well (which I didn't realize till my siblings pointed it out). My plan for step 4 is to move in with my sister then cut off my parents and their toxicity so I can actually move forward instead of being frozen with fear. I've already talked to my sister about this before writing this comment, she thinks its a very good idea and was very welcoming. I'm excited for the future for the first time in a long time. All I gotta do now is pack and find a part time job close to my sister's place.
Thanks again for this video, I think it saved my life honestly!
I am not financially very strong to afford therapy sessions where I stay, and these videos of yours are so helpful, because you know of so many deep rooted issues that I am already going through, and I don't even need to express myself, yet you offer me all the solutions that's needed to be a stronger, new me. Thank you so so much 🙏🙏 I am definitely going to do this!
It’s hard to get through to my mother. I’m learning to heal and I just wish she would do the same for herself.
You’re such a blessing
I know this will sound harsh, but focus on your own healing. If she sees you getting better, she may ask how you did it. You can’t force healing on someone else. It has to be in their own timeframe.
Don’t worry about her. Understand she will never change, she will never admit to getting it nor will she admit to have done wrong. I spent the better part of my life hoping my parents would stop being abusive. They never did. Don’t do what I did. Odds are against your situation being an exception, is my guess.
Oh. My. God. U just voiced my exact relationship to employment. And I've always felt so alien for having this issue with employment and like main stream society/people have never been able to understand my problems around employment or understand the psychology of whats going on with that, for me. My entire adult life I've pondered whether the eligibility for disability should be changed to include people who have trauma triggers by being an employee in a traditional setting. My family dynamic was that I was the youngest of 7 and was infantilized by an authoritarian narcissist parent so my unconscious reaction to authority figures in a work relationship is to immediately get intimidated and eventually self sabotage by coming in late, forgetting the store keys, etc... to fulfill my role as the irresponsible infant/child. The only people who ever understood this were 2 of my siblings and my therapist. It made for many uncomfortable social gathering with acquaintances who could never understood why I was chronically unemployed. Can't tell you how grateful I am to have found you, Dr. P. I only wish you practiced in CA and weren't booked solid! :D
I hope you think about training other clinicians.
I appreciate that you normalize leaving toxic family members and dispel the notion of familial obligations