"If you don't stop crying I'm going to give you something to cry about!" was something I heard a lot. I was confused because I HAD something to cry about but no one cared what it was.
Or the other one which was, 'Come back when you stop crying and tell me the problem!', then when you went back to explain the reply was, 'Well, your not crying anymore so everything must be OK so there was no need for the crying in the first place!! That was so confusing as a child because you couldn't win and you never had the chance to explain your problem, just not listened to in anyway
When my dad died a neighbour asked how I was. I immediately started talking about how my mother was doing. He stopped me and said no I want to know how you are. I realised I had no vocabulary to express my feelings as my mother’s narcissism had conditioned me to only think of her and never myself.
Ohhh, I'm sending love to you, your post really touches me, I was like that, too, especially when i was growing up.My mother's feelings tended to overwhelm the family. But her discussion of "compulsive lying" fits my family so well, too.A great presentation!
I was 23 when my 11 year old sister passed away. My brother was 25. I was married, but my husband was in Iraq on deployment. For the whole 5 days it took for him to get home, I didn't cry, because I didn't have someone to cry to. I just kept stuffing my feeling and stuffing my feelings, until he walked through the funeral home door. Then I finally cried. But the other big thing that really drove home my lack of safe space to cry was the one time my mom "checked" on me, she asked me how did I think my brother was feeling. He was surrounded by his significant other and her family. I felt like a desert island. And I hated it. All of it
@@thiamay7927 I'm sorry you had to go through that alone, and be expected to defer your feelings for your brother who already had a support system there. That was so unfair when you needed it too and had to suppress your grieving. Much love to you - Sharon ❤
Just remembered when I was 7, I was attending dance classes and I was good at it and that day I had a concert. I remember when we finished the performance, other kids would get flowers from their parents. I didn’t look much into the audience because I knew there are no familiar faces for me. I remember vividly how I was going home alone, and it was already late and dark outside and I was wearing all the makeup from the concert while squeezing the key in my fist just in case to protect myself. Interesting how only when you grow up you understand none of it was normal.
That breaks my heart! What were your parents thinking? So sorry. I hope your relationship with them is better or you have moved on and take care of yourself 🙏💛
Yes, I understand. Me too. But learning from that - I always make an effort to tell friends and colleagues that they done good, when they did good. Just wish someone had done so for me when I was young, but that's past now.
I understand. I had to beg my Dad to come to my graduation. He was busy working on his hobby , antique cars . Neither of my parents would come to my college graduation , so neither did I .
@@blatherskite9601 I don't ever remember my mother complimenting me EVER... not even on my wedding day when you try to look your best! As a child, I couldn't wait till I would die so i could watch them suffering because they made me feel so bad about myself!
0:59 9 - Being out of touch with our emotions. 2:05 8 - Being extremely defensive. 3:42 7 - People pleasing. 4:43 6 - Often unable to ask for help. 5:39 5 - Shame even after the smallest mistake. 6:34 4 - We want to isolate all the time. 7:33 3 - We compulsively lie. 8:37 2 - Difficulty making decisions. 9:26 1 - We seek out unavailable partners.
My mother used to sigh, shake her head and say, "What are we going to do with you?" Thing is, I wasn't a difficult kid. By the time I became a teenager, I wanted to scream, "Shut up and listen to me once in a while! Don't pick apart everything I do in private and then take credit for all my accomplishments in public!" But that would have been asking for trouble. So I got out as soon as I could.
I relate. She always made herself into the victim suffering with such a messed up kid, when she was really just too self centered and lazy to be a parent at all.
I am sure... it's like you have to learn how to do that for yourself and offer it to your child. But even being aware of this is a huge step in the right direction!! xoxo
I’ve always had this broken record playing in my mind that says I really didn’t have a bad childhood. There are people who had REALLY bad childhoods, so mine looks like a fairytale in comparison. But it’s videos like these that make me realize that just because my childhood looks good from the outside, doesn’t mean that the consequences of neglect aren’t there and aren’t affecting my adult life. I needed to hear all these signs to drive that point home for me. Thank you!
"I had a pretty good childhood" basically means I got braces and vaccines. I always seem to gloss over in my mind that _everyone noticed, but no one did anything to curb an eating disorder._ I was just sitting here thinking "hmmm, I agree with all these feelings, but nothing bad happened in _my_ childhood." Then came the "well, I guess there was this one time when..."
I feel this, I constantly feel like I am lying and victimizing myself when I’m reality it wasn’t that bad and I am just trying to shift my problems onto someone (parents) or events (childhood)
Same! I always say others had it worse...my sister and I were beat with a 1x2...one time my step father missed me and hit a rocking chair...the 1x2 broke in half. There was also so much phycological abuse and fear. As an adult I have a very hard time with anger as much as I try to control it. Thankfully I broke the cycle and my daughter and I have an amazing relationship. Still I know others had it MUCH worse...my sister definitely did and yeah the fucker did that too.
Same here my mother set me up for failure. Who she chose over me, didn’t give a flying fly about her. I became a people pleaser unfortunately i respected everyone else opinion except my own. The biggest people pleaser in the room was myself. Unfortunately we can’t choose our parents if I could it would not have been her. I saw her suffer most of her life because she chose a low life
Healing from this childhood emotional neglect is WORTH the effort. I'm a senior citizen, born in the 50's and working on healing for the past 20+ years. It does get better, but it's a LOT of work. So keep at it fellow sufferers, the healing takes time, but's it is SO WORTH IT!
As a 70 year old I wish I could have seen this video 50 years ago, my life would have been a lot easier. One of the advantages of being a senior is having the ability of seeing my life as it really is, and seeing all the events both good and bad that happened to me. I spent many years of my life searching for acceptance. Bad jobs, no career, bad relationships, bad decisions. Excellent video. It explains a lot.
Thanks sir,I'm 74&seeing these things as you,&feeling very sad. These are overwhelming things I've gotten to know over the last few years. Thank God even though Ive had these 9 things,poor decisions out of desperation,living in the best of my 4th marriage,#2&3totally unavailable. Take care!
Same age! I too look back on my life. I isolated, made bad decisions, was a people pleaser couldn't say NO, felt used. I did try with my kids to find out what was bothering them, hugged them lots as infants, toddlers, primary school, obviously I missed the boat on stuff. As they got older I didn't give them the hugs and 'I love you'. I also married someone who was emotionally distant. I always knew I was emotionally deprived or neglected as a child. I was emotionally abused. I didn't know what to do about it, nothing was offered... I did go to treatment at 40, a private treatment centre and it was like she explained finding my emotions. I tested at 9 years old emotionally. It took at least 2 years to begin to put a name to feelings, I put an emoji chart on my fridge for reference. I continued with outpatient therapy for a few years. I found myself, my place, learned to say NO and ask for help, found a career, expressed my feelings and thoughts and knew the difference. Had a psychologist ask me want I always wanted to do for a career (my mother always disapproved). I made excuses, she refuted all of them, so I took the leap, trained and loved it, still working in it. I never abused alcohol or used drugs. But I did suffer from bouts of depression, sometimes suicidal but never had depression episodes after my recovery. Another psychologist on my journey told me I didn’t know who I was and did a personality tests on me (Briggs and Straton), I could totally relate and from then on it was okay to accept myself, that's who I was and there was nothing wrong with it. Thats when I met myself! Another one told me I was culturally confused. She explained it.. yup that too! I learned about both! I'm an introvert, so I do enjoy alone time, but I developed my extroverted side. I was lucky I ran into these people, psychologists who helped me on my recovery journey. I found happiness and self-love. I do see the damage I did in my kids. Over the years, I've tried to change it. They sought healing with therapists. I see the cycle breaking in my grandkids. I believe we all have life regrets. It's done, over and in the past and we are constantly moving forward.
As a man, I feel like I got doubly screwed. Not only that I experienced severe emotional neglect (with bonus parentification!) but we as men are socialized not to really show or embrace emotion. That is considered weak, effeminate, unbecoming. Glad I got over that block, I enjoy feeling things and loving people.
Yeah, I agree. I thought about where my emotional neglect came from. In case of my father I came to the conclusion that boys and men don't really get that many opportunities in life to develop emotional maturity. Most of the time not during childhood in the family (learning through the main male role model or in case of a single mother how she interacts with men and they with her) nor in society.
I am a girl and I was shown ZERO empathy and I wasn’t ever held or comforted or allowed to cry, while my brothers were given all of that. So don’t think that your experience is exclusive to your sex. A scapegoated girl receives 4X the abuse that a scapegoated or neglected male ever could, especially because of how misogynistic all of society and all religions are.
You're BOTH not alone - and being 62, I've known this (about myself) for a while. There is hope, and healing. Love yourself. You're worth it. Much Love. @@dianajohnson7337
I am 62, soon 63. I never knew I was emotionally neglected until my sister pointed it out to me, what it was and what it meant. I mean I always knew something was wrong with my family. I had a friend in my early teens and whenever one of her family came or went it was hugs all round and expressions of love. This was totally foreign to me! To this day I have never been hugged by my parents, nor ever told I was loved or praised. This left a huge hole in my psyche. I am unable to have healthy relationships with males. I tried several times but it all ended in tears and depression. When I was 17 and my boyfriend broke up with me I was sitting on the steps sobbing and my mother said “It’s not the end of the world!” in a snotty voice. We all were thumbsuckers to self soothe because we sure weren’t getting any affection from the parents. I felt guilty expressing my dissatisfaction with my childhood because wasn’t I fed regularly, didn’t I have clean sheets and a warm bed? The house was clean, the laundry was done and it all looked good, didn’t it? Is it any wonder we all have substance abuse issues in one form or another. I’m 11 years clean and sober but my one sibling is an alcoholic and the other is an opiate addict in active addiction. So much PAIN courses throughout my family and nobody wants to admit our childhood sucked big time!
My dad was a police officer killed in the line of duty in 1974. I was 8 years old. We didn’t talk about it in our house. There was no counseling available to us and we returned to school one week later where our classmates were instructed to treat us as if nothing ever happened. Today, I’m a 57 year old woman who still can’t express myself and have spent my life merely treading water. Every day is a fight for survival.
That's heartbreaking and may your Father rest in peace and I thank him for his service.As someone who buried a daughter when mine were still children,we don't know the proper and best way to deal with it.I also never brought up Ashley in hopes not to remind her sisters and bring pain to them,now that I'm older I realize I was wrong and we should have properly grieved..Your mom was lost and in shock herself just trying to protect and make it easier on y'all..I pray you find healing and peace pertaining to your father's crossing over.Again,im deeply sorry you had to lose your Dad as a child.
I don't remember ever being told my mother loved me, nor do I remember her ever putting her arms around me. Not once. I feel like I never pleased her, never made her proud. She didn't even tell me about periods. My father was stationed in a remote place overseas, and I didn't even have girls my own age around me. I was 11-1/2 yrs old, smack in the middle of childhood when my period started. I thought I was dying, and I never said a word. She noticed stained clothes in the laundry and gave me some half-assed textbook explanation and some supplies We never mentioned it again except when I needed supplies. I was alone. I did better with my sons--I resolved to tell them I loved them, I hugged them, and we talked about all kinds of things--nothing was ever out of bounds--even now when they are both happily married and I have grown grandchildren. For the life of me I don't understand why I am still hurting about what my mother did to me. I didn't cry when she died, and I can't even say I love her.
It’s amazing what people go through as children,and it seems to never go away. It becomes hardwired in our beings.So great you have been a wonderful mother and grandmother! When I got my period my mother took me to the drugstore for pads. On the way there she said,” Well,if you were So and So’s daughter she would say you are a woman now”. That was it. Haha,I didn’t know what that meant but okay. My mother was shut down and not affectionate. I have compassion for her now,but the damage from an emotionally stunted family is there. I hear your pain. Meditation might help you. Close your eyes and just feel your being and just sit,let go. Joy and love are innate. I tell myself that at the same time. 💛🙏
I remember the 1 time my mom left a birthday card on the kitchen table that said love mom, I was about 15 years old. She had never said it nor wrote it. When I saw it, it felt weird to see. But how sad it left such a memory.
I learned about taking care of my period from magazines. Tampons had just been invented, so there was lots of advertising. I was living with my father then, because my family had just split up.
" I will give you something to be upset about." "Choke all emotion down until you become numb. Never complain. Never ask. Be strong. Be independent. " All these rules left me open to the physical and other abuse. I was 9 for 9 on this list.
Same. I think there's another one there: do you also have trouble apologizing honestly? That was always met with, "Oh so you're SORRY?! I'll give you something to be sorry about!"
I am a girl. I was terribly neglected as a child. I was not only hit repeatedly but I wasn't allowed to make a noise. My brothers were encouraged to be mean to me and I felt so isolated with 5 brothers and a mum that acted like she hated me. I am now 63 and have moved to a small village of about 80 people and rarely leave my house.
Just a friendly hug. You are wonderful, talented and have the right to express yourself in your own unique way. So, please make as much nose as you feel like.
Dear, dear lady… I am sorry for your pain and suffering as a lonely little girl and young woman. I wish that I could make you a cup of tea, sit with you and listen to your story. Please receive a hug. ❤
This video explains everything. I sat here and cried as I ticked off each one of these points. I grew up with an emotionally checked out father and a mother who was severely depressed and spent much of my childhood sleeping. She was barely able to meet my basic physical needs, much less the emotional ones. I was waking up to an alarm and getting myself off to school entirely on my own in kindergarten. I spent much of my time thinking of things to do to try and make her happy, but to no avail. As a child, I didn't even know this wasn't normal, but as an adult, the memories hurt a lot.
Oh bless you! I remember ironing my little dress before first grade one morning, getting up early to do that. I still hafe the scar on my inner wrist from the iron. OH scar, in all senses of the word. But I did it becuase I wanted to be that independent, for whateer reason. My mother would pick arguments with my poor father that lasted until late in the night and I just wanted deeply to be free!
Wow. It's quite shocking because most Gen-Xers don’t even get this far mentally, based on my experience of being raised around many of them. They taught me absolutely nothing in my family; they were more like distant friends than genuine authority figures or healthy-minded adults raising millennials and Gen-Z. I raised myself and had to experience life alone, which made me hyper-independent, adopt a strict defensive approach to life, and wise up before my legal age. I had two Gen-X parents: one born in 1974, who’s alive but was extremely emotionally neglectful, and another born in 1977, who’s deceased but was very distant, extremely negligent, and unavailable in any aspect of my life. It’s like I didn’t even know them, and they came off more like distant cousins than parents.
My child's life with me was so vastly different to mine with my toxic narcissistic mother. In fact, he is now 37 and we have the most wonderful relationship. I am no contact with my mother for 11 years. Set myself free to heal and grow and recover. A daily journey.
Yeah my Gen x parents did better than their parents by far but as their first child I'm realizing now how fucked I've been all my life. They just didn't have an example to follow.
I can recall crying as a child, and several times being told "Stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about!". Behind closed doors, my mother would often say, "I should have had poodles instead of children", or threaten to leave us and tell us we'd have to go into "Care", whenever she fell out with my father. When I asked my sister if we had a bad childhood, she said she didn't know, nether of us could decide.
My parents weren't rich but they always made sure our physical and material needs were met and I'll always be thankful to them for it. But they were also both emotionally stunted and were dismissive of my emotional needs as a small child. They couldn't understand my problems and they weren't interested in trying to understand. The few times I actually asked for help, I never got it - what I did get were things like; "Get over it", "Snap out of it", or "Ignore it". They weren't abusive but they were unable to connect on an emotional level - and of course this extends past the family unit and out in the world as well - teachers and staff at school were pretty much the same: dismissive, indifferent and unwilling to help in any way. By the time I left school I felt utterly worthless
I don’t understand why there are so many “adults” like this. That ignore the other percentages of peoples feelings and somehow everything works in their favor.
It is 3:30 am. I am 56 years old. Diagnosed a year ago with ASD and ADHD about 10 years ago. At 7 minutes into this video you are talking about isolation and I immediately realized I set my alarm for ungodly hours so I can sit outside in the dark, alone with RUclips and myself. I identify with every word of this video. A while back I was forced to move into my childhood home with my octogenarian parents for financial reasons. I am now acutely aware that I am what I am today (alone, confused and unsuccessful) because I was neglected emotionally as a child and continue to be so to this day by my folks. I see now how they cannot cope with emotions of their own and I was (by reports from my brother) way too much for them to manage. Taken to a psychiatrist in the third grade I never got a Dx from that man. Followed by 4 decades of being told I had anxiety and depression. Yet no improvement in my ability to navigate life. Finally beginning to understand how I abandoned myself and my quest to know who I was in order to assure everybody in my orbit was not mad at me. Holy Sh!t. I have a lot to talk to my therapist about this week.
I don't see people pleasing as being manipulative, I see it as a way to feel less anxious for someone who has been around someone who is abusive, therefore trying to keep the peace while walking on eggshells.
It is a survival mechanism. It is NOT manipulative and I don’t believe that label is helpful for survivors who were literally and actually manipulated by abusers all their life.
It helps me because as an adult, away from abusive dynamics, I realize how trying to control situation and other people's feelings instead of learning how to manage my own can feel stifling and oppressive to the other person. Even manipulative. They are allowed to have upset or sad feelings and disagree with me, they don't have to be pleased to regulate my emotions. Adaptations to abuse can still hurt other people.
When someone asks what I want for my birthday or Christmas I draw a complete blank. Not because there aren’t things I want but because I learned what I want doesn’t matter to others. If I want something I will get it for myself. I’m getting better about it
What helps me is keeping a list year round. Anytime I want something but for whatever reason don't get it for myself, it goes on the list. Then when someone asks I can look at the list and choose the appropriate items to ask for from that person
Timestamps: Sign #9: Being out of touch with our emotions 00:57 Sign #8: Being extremely defensive 02:03 Sign #7: People pleasing 03:42 Sign #6: We are often unable to ask for help 04:43 Sign #5: Shame after even the smallest mistake 05:35 Sign #4: We want to isolate all the time 06:32 Sign #3: We compulsively lie 07:32 Sign #2: Difficulty making decisions 08:39 Sign #1: We seek out unavailable partners 09:24
8/9 for me, too. I don't compulsively lie, in fact, I feel horribly guilty if I think I might be lying. I think this relates to the people-pleasing for me. If I lie, I'm convinced the other person knows I'm lying and I'm making them mad.
As was I, until I attempted suicide when I was about 17. The day such behaviour will become illegal to do to a child will be the day I can die happy... and I'll do my best to make it happen while I live. I can promise you that.
As a kid when I would express my feelings it was always either met with anger or I was completely ignored, as a result I stopped sharing how I felt, which led to self harming because I had so much inside me and I couldn't stand it. I've had to work hard to be open and honest about my feelings. Now I can even cry in front of people, and even though some people still shame me for having feelings I'm proud of myself and try to remind myself that having feelings is normal and not annoying or shameful.
The compulsive lying to keep the peace is so real. I could go a whole day without eating but when you ask I'm never hungry. I'm never cold, I'm never thirsty, I'm never tired and I'm never upset because admitting it feels like asking for too much.
My mother was a dutiful mom: she kept us fed, housed, clothed, enrolled us in school, took us to the dentist, and so on. She was NOT a loving, nurturing mother. Both my older sister and I were emotionally stunted during childhood. My mother simply doesn't DO emotions, to this day. She never cuddled with us, or comforted us, it was always about being a good soldier and stifling ourselves. She hated it when we touched her, she would visibly shudder and pull away. She's also a covert passive-aggressive narcissist, so the only feelings that matter are hers: it's imperative to always perceive her and talk to her as if she's the most loving, caring, giving, self-sacrificing mother the world has ever seen. I have been thinking a lot lately about how often I feel numbness and despair around her. (She has also weaponized my emotions against me in the past.) When I lived out in the western U.S., I still had life troubles but I felt free to feel the way I felt about them. Now that I'm back in the same town with her (I came back to be a grandma to my new grand babies), I feel hopeless and powerless again. I'm starting to think, Huh..., maybe it's her dismissal of me as a human being, basically, as well as her incessant need for positive attention, is most of the reason why.
Well, she can get the same level of emotional care in a state nursing home. I have ZERO sympathy for today's generation of narcissistic "elders". It's the same generation of rapists, child molesters & serial killers from our childhood & the reason so many kids were on the backs of milk cartons.
Omg are you sure you didn’t write this for me?? Sounds so familiar. I find myself lying to my mother just so I don’t have to engage. I get physically sick when I am around her. Yet I still yearn for a mother.
Learning these signs, over the last two years, finally allowed me to admit that there actually was something wrong with my childhood. It wasn't just me, there was a real reason I had all these issues. It was so validating and the first step towards real healing. Thank you for sharing these. Your teaching and support changes lives ❤
OR!…what if…there is a problem with EVERYONE, not just you? Of all the people I’ve met in my life, (some in significant roles), here is the % breakdown: 70% Bad people. 25% Average people. 5% Outstanding people. And this video wants me to think, there is something the matter with me? (Which there is, because why would I be watching). But my point is…there is a reason other than myself, that I isolate from the world.
@@Bat_Boy Yeah, I'm watching this and thinking 'yes this describes my childhood and some of my adult challenges, but also, it was a very common parenting style in the 70-80s. There must be lots of us out there!'
I can't believe I fit all of this- I remember my mom saying "I wear my heart on my sleeve..." I didn't know what that meant but I knew it wasn't good. I was adopted by my aunt but I didn't know it until I was 35. So awkward and confusing. My mom lied to me about all of it because she promised her brother she'd never tell. I really would like a therapist who could help like you. Is there anyone around Seattle I could go to? I'm 73 and I'd really like to settle it. Thank you.
@@lynettejwhite 60s as well. Remember "children are to be seen and not heard". That was my upbringing. As an adult, my Aunt told me she thought we were unnaturally quiet almost creepy.
Oh my….I have finally pinpointed what my childhood was! I use to think my mom and I were great friends (as a young adult I bent over backwards to please her), but when I told her I was pregnant (27, married 6 years, everything paid off, and money in the bank), my mom hung up on me. I waited 3 days (she usually called every day) and called her back and asked her what that was about, she said she was just shocked at the news!! My daughter was very young and watching tv and asked me, “what are they really saying”? My first thought was to lie and say, “nothing”, but instead I told her she was right, they were implying something else. I then gave her an age appropriate answer. I’m glad to say she grew up to be very intuitive. I use to say, I was well fed, had clothes, a stay at home mom…..but…. (I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Yes, I married the emotionally guy (20 years), now divorced for 24 years and scared to death to get in another relationship. I struggle terrible with identifying emotions. I told my counselor that it’s like the back of my head knows something isn’t right, but the front of my head can’t figure it out, so I get depressed. Since the summer of my 7th grade, I discovered that I got “atta boys” in the form of money, so I found comfort in being with other people.
Oh my! Here I am, 78 years old and a veteran of three marriages and four therapists and I am SO wishing that I could have listened to your post A long, long time ago. I could have made better choices and truly let the love of my life know just how much I loved and treasured him before he died. I hope he knew and now, for the time i have left, I will try to prevent this damage from being passed on to my son and my sweet, loving, talented granddaughter. Thank you for your insightful post!! 😍
I always get triggered when people ask, "how are you?" I usually deflect and don't answer or just give the standard fine, because I hate sharing anything about myself at all
I never say anything but “I’m fine.” I haven’t ever had anyone ask me that that was really interested in a true answer. There are many narcissists in the world.
It doesn't really matter how you answer that question. Even if you straight up tell them "bad" they'll just ignore it, maybe with a shake of the head or some other form of disapproval for not saying the standard "fine".
I love my mother so much. She really tried and it was only her. My dad left and she did everything herself. My sister and I were neglected as she was always working. We were latch door kids. It came out in different ways, for me and my sister. I have always felt loved by my mum, but she couldn’t deal with her emotions very well. It’s a learnt skill to deal with your emotions. She’s still there for me, and she knows she wasn’t particularly good. You aren’t always the parent your child needs but you are the one they have, so you got to keep trying.
This is the same thing for me I love my mom to the moon and back and she tried her very best as an overworked single mother and she still does, she knows that I didn't get any support emotionally and it sucks now cause I'm 17 and I'm only just now getting therapy but it ends when I turn 18 in a couple of months and there's a HUGE waiting list :/
It made a huge difference in my life, when I realized that when my parents had me they were basically just kids. Mom was 21, Dad was 23. They were just learning to navigate life themselves. And they had too many kids too fast. Once I left home as an adult, I became responsible for myself (which everyone knows, of course). But part of that responsibility was to become my own mother and father. So instead of moaning about not having had good parents, I made a list of all the things I liked about them (to feel grateful for), and ways in which I wished they'd been better parents. Then I gave myself the gift of self-parenting, using that list. Mom seemed weak to me, and had unpredictable flashes of anger. She was not the kind of role model I wanted, so I joined the women's movement and found several women who could be. Dad wouldn't teach me mechanical things, because there were so many boys in the family, so I found the local community college and took a car mechanics class to start me off. I went through my whole list that way and it really helped me function in life a whole lot better.
I just realized recently that my struggles with BPD traits, extreme inability to regulate emotions, depression, anxiety and a feeling like I'm drowning all the time are because my mother is a non-abusive narcissist. She wasn't out to get me (unless I tried to ask for help, which I did very very few times and was left scarred), but she was extremely neglectful, while gushing about how all her kids are her babies and her life doesn't make sense without us. I grew up so isolated because she never went anywhere or did anything and never talked to me about anything serious or meaningful. Developed perfectionism because getting good grades was the only time I felt like I had worth, I didn't feel recognized as a person otherwise. I had no sense of self and no self esteem, ended up with a bunch of narcissists that made everything worse. It took a looong time to unravel everything, and I'm still not done - just broke up with another narcissist. I wish they taught these things at school...
*C-PTSD. Unless if you abuse people, you can’t be a borderline, because the entirety of the cluster b are simply different flavors of narcissist, to the point where they are going to abolish all of the different cluster b types and make all of the cluster b diagnoses narcissist plus their subtype. Most BPD diagnoses nowadays are misdiagnosed C-PTSD, and you can look at how identical BPD and NPD are in the newest ICD and DSMs are. And emotional literacy exercises are the only and best way to learn to regulate and process your emotions. C-PTSD can be improved, while personality disorders are incurable and make you a danger to everyone around you, so trust me, you don’t want a BPD diagnosis. And narcissistic neglect is still abuse, by the way, because neglect is a form of abuse. I was both abused and neglected by my narcissist parents, so I know what you are talking about.
I relate to so much of what you said here. Anytime I asked for help, I was given a list of ways I could help myself. To this day, I'm afraid to ask anybody for help with anything, because of the fear of being told no, and the feelings of rejection and hurt that comes with that. I was the child that didn't get in any trouble and had perfect grades and couldn't stand to disappoint even a stranger. My belief system was that everyone else around me was more important and better than me. The few times I stayed over at a friend's house, I couldn't even eat their food, because I wasn't worthy. The most common emotions I remember feeling was shame, embarrassment, and sadness.
I'm right there with you. Both my parents were narcissists & I always felt like there was something really wrong with me...that if I could just be perfect, or at least good enough, maybe I'd finally be loved or at least accepted. Needless I say, I have zero self-esteem & zero confidence.
Unraveling is a good way to describe my current experience at 74 years of age fully realizing for the first time that my mother was emotionally unavailable and, as a result, I had two marriages end in divorce because the men were also emotionally unavailable. I continue to unravel all the rules I wove into a sheltering cloth to protect me from hurt. It's a freedom I'm enjoying.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
When I was younger and I'd get upset about something, my parents almost never tried to comfort me. Instead, they'd tell me, "Nobody is going to feel sorry for you." Those words have been burnt into my mind. My parents are just so negative and pessimistic about people and the world. Everyone has ulterior motives or they're trying to get one over on you. They were never optimistic about anything even when they had good reason to be. Our family motto should be, "Life sucks and then you die." As an adult, it takes me a long time to get comfortable around people. I have an extremely hard time believing anyone would care about what I have to say or how I feel, so whenever someone has put effort into getting to know me or has done something genuinely nice for me I'm shocked and almost overwhelmed. I don't think people are naturally bad or mean, I just always think they have way better and more important things to do than to talk to my lame ass.
I'm 48 and only realized / accepted in the last 6 months that I was the victim of childhood abuse and neglect. This video is a checklist of all the worst parts of me. There are so many things I need to change, it feels overwhelming. I just found out my sister has been in therapy for 15 years dealing with our childhood. It seems crazy that I might still be in therapy dealing with my childhood when I'm 70.
Better than finding out in your 70s that your childhood explains the way life has been! On another note: Your sister was in therapy that long and never thought to ask you how you processed your shared childhood!? Does she discuss it with you now? I would love to know what my brother thinks about our childhood. He avoids opening up like the plague. I am wondering if your sister validates your belief that you were emotionally neglected.
If it’s any hope, walls come down faster than they go up. It’s like a snowball, once you get rolling. Start somewhere. You’ll love yourself for it. Besides, you deserve it. You are your own best investment. Believe.
@@nancybartley4610 My family doesn't talk about anything beyond what we did on the weekend. But in the last few months my sister and I have been talking on the phone about this. I don't remember the first 10 years of my life, except for a small handful of memories, one of which is so traumatic it makes me wonder how bad the stuff I've repressed is. My sister has been filling me in on some of the things that happened to me during those years. But I still don't have any memory of the things she said happened.
9. being out of touch with our emotions 8. being extremely defensive 7. people pleasing 6. we are often unable to ask for help 5. shame even after the smallest mistake 4. we want to isolate all the time 3. we compulsively lie 2. difficulty making decisions 1. we seek out unavailable partners
@@genkosan6083I always seek out unavailable people, or at least always make sure we both want something entirely casual, the more space between us the better
I’m 43 with over a decade of psychiatric care. Dealing with things from my childhood has proven to be the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. I’ve spent years now being unbelievably angry at my father. He preferred working instead of being involved with raising his children. My mother was forced to do everything and I never realized how overwhelming that must have been. Earlier this year I realized that they both had a horrible childhood, and no matter how much therapy I complete…this cycle of abuse will end with me. I’m not having any children, and although that hurts I know that it’s the right thing to do. Thanks so much for this video. It’s a really weird feeling for me, to feel like I’m not alone and that everything that’s happened wasn’t just my imagination. And there’s many tears there, but ultimately I feel some kind of comfort.
You can overcome this. You can be a parent because you have the insight now to react differently. My parents were a very mixed bag, and I married an alcoholic, had 4 children, divorced after 18 years, and remarried now for 26 years. We walk among you, and the wounds do heal, and no one is perfect. You might fear not being able to be the perfect parent - there is no such thing. No one has zero trauma in their life, it's learning that it is inside of us to like ourselves, to be kind and learn to love others as themselves. This is not to ignore abuses, but to have a fulfilling life in spite of it
@@marywiggins7411Yes! This is triumphing, not refusing to have children because you were neglected or abused. I know three couples who chose not to have children for this reason. After many decades, they are now alone and talking about having no legacy to leave anyone. It’s a lot harder to be alone in old age.
Realizing I've been emotionally neglected as a child it's infuriating and saddening. I wish I knew when I was younger how to develop emotions other than sadness and anger. But I'm on my healing journey rn and I'm glad I'm working on identifying emotions and triggers
Yeah it can be helpful yet hurtful to learn about it :( I am so glad you are on your healing journey and working to better identify your emotions and triggers :) xoxox
After all the years of therapy, I don't think a therapist has ever suggested I was emotionally neglected. You have articulated this so well, that I know now without question, I was emotionally neglected. Thank you so much Kati, for your invaluable help.😊
@JezzaM77 Therapists have limitations like everyone else. I have lost count of how many I have seen and not one suggested CPTSD, emotional neglect, or that my childhood was stressful, etc. They only talk about depression which is like a generic, fallback position. It is a cope out. Many mental issues are comorbid with depression. CEN is relatively new to the scene and, even though Kati mentioned that it came up in her training, I would be willing to bet in was a quick mention and actually referred to as emotional abuse. IMHO, neglect and abuse are different in that abuse is blatant and emotional neglect is subtle and insidious. Adults who were told as kids that hey are stupid or that they never should have been born will begin to realize early (maybe in teens) that their parent is a problem. An adult that was not hugged, talked to, validated, taught life skills may not realize until much later in life that that was a serious problem. When you see a therapist, they have to spend large amounts of time on your childhood. After years of therapy, for the first time three years ago a therapist asked about my childhood! I was 71! It took another years for me to process and investigate on YT the significance that our childhoods play in how we react to life. It has been a miserable three years digging into memories and admitting that all the info for emotional neglect, among other toxic components, were clearly present in my childhood. I also had to admit that the treatment I received from my family in my adulthood was indicative of their indifference about me. It isn't easy to realize you were an obligation and a burden and not a deeply loved, enriching part of your parent's world. (Of course, neglect doesn't now have to be because you weren't not loved. Some parents raise their kids that way they were raised. Some have mental problems of their own. Some are working so hard to pay the bills that they are exhausted. Others just are ignorant about the emotional needs of a child. I hope that was true of your parent/s). In way, this is all to say, if you were beat or verbally abused, if you were fed, clothed and sent off to school, you may not realize you were neglected. I gave up on therapy. I am not saying you should. I don't know what I'm saying. I am angry that we can't find the help we deserve from the people who should know that CEN is very damaging and that the people suffering with it are the least likely to realize they experienced it.
Yeaaa not gonna lie, I feel youtube licensed folks are better "therapists" than maybe half in that they can easily describe with salient examples in an understandable way. Listening isn't therapy but these types of videos can give you the vocabulary to find a therapist that specializes in what you need, while also giving you the words to enhance your chats. This guy also is good: ruclips.net/video/KRyDkPkkYP8/видео.htmlsi=reLMbGqLgnwpM_dA
Lots of therapists need more education before they practice imo. One time when I was telling one about my “inner monologue” she tried telling me I probably had schizophrenia because people can’t hear their voice when they think. So…I’m not shocked a therapist didn’t bring this up to you, they might have not even known it was a thing.
My feelings of inadaquacy stem from childhood humiliation that continued into adulthood until my parents died. I resembled the wrong side of the family and the older I got, the more pronounced that resemblence became. Silly me thought the mental abuse would end when they died but it didn't. I'm married to a wonderful man, have three terrific kids and a career I love but all that means little when I look in the mirror and see the ugly person I've been conditioned to see.
My stepmom was like this with me. I wasn’t allowed to express my true feelings. But the ironic thing was this. If she asked me what was wrong, and I would tell her that nothing was wrong, and I’d try to convince her that nothing was wrong, she’d get mad at me because I wasn’t communicating what was truly wrong. It’s because I knew what would happen if I did tell her. But I’d still get shamed for not communicating what was wrong. Same thing with asking for help. I’d be shamed for asking for help one minute. Then the next, I’d be shamed for not asking for help. Because of this, I’ve bottled up my emotions, I pretty much self cope all the time, I expect myself to be happy 24/7 with no struggles in life. I shame myself and guilt myself for struggling. A lot of the time it’s because I’ve worked on my healing, and now that I’ve healed a lot of my trauma, I expect myself to never struggle again and to have life all figured out.
I am so sorry you went through this, but I am glad you've been working on your healing :) Just remember it's a process not perfection and you are slowly moving in the right direction :) xoxo
@@Katimorton thank you! I feel like my life is starting to come together. I’ve really pursued a lot of my dreams and passions throughout my healing process.
A bit ironic that part of the trauma is expecting to have life perfect and problem-free, and only with healing can we allow ourselves to have faults and challenges.
It took me almost a half century to realize and admit that the tone in my family was either neutral or negative, never positive. Once it finally dawned on me many years later I could see me as a kid growing up and why I struggled with some basic things. In the end it makes you understand the true life better instead of falling into the lies of the world. Spending more time by yourself and creating things, reading, writing, walks, being with animals is much more important than having beers with some chicks or dudes. It really is because you have to find that positive side of yourself and its there, but you have to help it become dominate and smile more and give more to others etc..
I'm 36 and I'm afraid to tell anyone how I feel, cause I don't want to get in trouble. I try opening up to my dad, and all he does is yell at me and criticize me for it. I also don't act my age. I still feel like I am 16 years old. everyone else my age has careers, a family, a home...and I'm still stuck in my past.
Asheley, you need to give up on trying to make peace with your Dad. Been there, done that. He doesn’t care about your feelings/happiness, he’s coming from his own insecurities and anxieties. He’s always been happy to sacrifice you for his own ego. I walked away from dear old dad 40+ yrs ago and have never been sorry. Thru self examination you need to discover what makes you happy, get meaningful (to you) work and surround yourself with good people of your choosing. Life is about doing good work (for others AND yourself), giving AND receiving love, not about seeking acceptance from people who clearly do not care about you. Good luck!!
Trying to be open and vulnerable in the environment that is not safe and gives you bad experiences will probably teach you to close even more. Your dad doesn't seem like a good person to open up to, at least not right now. So, if you want to learn, try to find someone you feel safe around (someone who sees you, lets you express and be yourself, is compassionate etc), like a friend or a therapist.
My dad has dementia and I'm happy about that. My mother has her mind but is in a wheelchair. I don't wish them any harm but I'm 63 and as I told my brother last year I'm trying to be happy. I have what I want in life and I didn't deserve the way my parents treated me or how they let a relative abuse me. I'm striving for peace which means cutting out people who don't deserve me.
@@tamsintarshish3905 You're right. I am learning to ask if someone needs advice for that exact reason, but I still forget. Thank you foe pointing that out and reminding me ☺️
@ashleymarks3726 Sorry for giving you advice that you didn't ask for. Wanted to help you and share what I learned, but maybe you just needed to vent, as the other person said. And I should've asked. Also, I understand how you feel and send you hugs 🤗
OMG... Talking directly to me. Saved so I can hear this over and over. Trying to care for elderly Mom and her comments are hurtful. People pleasing and unable to ask for help.
I got one!.. I get uncomfortable when people give me gifts, and or compliments. Also surprises make me angry (someone bringing me to a birthday celebration I wasn’t aware of) I have always been told “just say thank you” or “stop being silly” which frustrates me further. Which drives me into a spiral downward in my behaviour
This one got through my Armour. Third of four boys in an alcoholic home, I became the Invisible Child. Neglect was a given. Mishandling of emotions led to continuous shame. As an adult, I was often frozen except for epic outbursts and shutdowns. The points on being alone are on point. Thank you. This short video has enormous explanatory and therapeutic potential.
Yessss, I am #3 of 4 also, and was totally invisible. I still feel that way now. I truly believe that if I go somewhere, no one will see me and it surprises me every time when I find out otherwise. My coping skill was to focus very hard on school and get my positive attention through that, with praise and attention from my teachers.
The question "What are you doing?", but in a simple curious way, showing interest, makes me feel like I have to be doing something important or productive to tell them otherwise I think they'll think I'm lazy.
Since my dads passing in 2018, I'm coming to terms with how much both of my parents emotionally neglected us kids. My dad was very explosive, we didn't talk things out, he would buy presents as a way to get back in. I didnt understand it until I grew up. He was very moody and would not talk to anyone for weeks, even when we'd pass each other in the house. I remember giving him a birthday card one year and he just tossed it on the desk and ignored me, didn't even respond. It was little things like this that messed with me. My mom was and still is a people pleaser, since my dads emotional ups and downs made her dissociate from life. (He has said some awful things and it was def abusive in that sense) She spent a lot of time working, and admitted they did shift work to not see each other, but that left me, the only young kid, alone and to be resented by my older brother who was stuck watching me. I've always felt like I was born into the wrong place, my brothers are 10+ yrs older than me so there was no connection on similar interests and I was always in the way. So many things about how I grew up, explain soo much about who and how I am today. It's just trying to get control over my own emotional state that has proven difficult. Love your videos ❤
My father was abusive with a horrendous temper, my mom was a narc who ignored me, and my older sisters always treated me like i was in the way, never wanted. meanwhile i had to sit and watch my cousin who was the same age as me be worshipped by her dad, and her brothers. her life turned out really good. mine did not.
Yikes. I know that I have problems, but I did not realize until seeing this how my problems related to emotional neglect as a child. The "you're not good enough" voice in my head came from my childhood and I'm realizing just how powerful that voice is after watching this video.
I completely felt sign 8 -- being completely defensive. My boss will come in and ask me "what are you doing?" Every time I hear it as my parents said it to me which always meant that I was in trouble. Punishment always followed that question so I often get defensive when my boss asks. Thankfully, I have a boss that understands as she has an adopted child that comes from an abusive background.
Yup, same here. Literally. My boss will tell me to stop being so defensive. I honestly can't help it, especially when I do everything in my power to never make mistakes (when I do, I get really angry with myself...I have to be perfect or else). Yeah, thanks a lot, dad. 😒
sorry, but asking someone what they are doing is actually rude. there are more polite ways of putting it. like a boss might instead ask you "hi, are you free right now to do something for me?"
I'm 74 and it's only in recent years that I realise that I suffered emotional neglect It has had a terrible impact on my life so that now I suffer from anxiety and depression and loneliness. I never suffered physical neglect but I now realise that I have missed so very much because I have been unable to manage and understand emotions. I thank you for sharing this; at least I can now understand why I am like I am.
As a fellow mental- health- professional, i want to tell you how important i think This video is. Clear and concise communication about something incredibly important. Thank you.
I always knew that my childhood had been rough. But in my most recent therapy appointment the other day, as I explained my childhood more in depth, my therapist paused me and told me that my mother was abusive, and that what I'd experienced was child neglect. I hadn't ever fully realized this, so that's been sinking in a lot about what problems I have today. Thank you for this video!
The truth is that while having that validation and a label to understand the situation, it still doesn't really change much. A lot of us may have anger and a defiant attitude that we may even employ against ourselves. Rather than being bitter about the past, I feel it's important to open one's heart even more towards that parent--if only in one's mind. Hurt people hurt people.
the hardest part of all of this for me is validating the neglect i experienced. none of it was ever acknowledged even a little bit, and my parents have changed a lot, so the only proof i have of the abuse i experienced is in my head and my own memories. thats why focusing on how it affects me now, like you said, is sooo much more helpful than trying to understand what happened from hazzy and unreliable memories
I remember that I wasnt allowed to cry my entire childhood. I wasn’t allowed to be sick or feel sick. I can remember that I was extremely upset as a child once and my mother lay next to me in bed, not to comfort me but to control that I am not crying.
This is the most relatable 'nutshell unpacking" of this issue that I've ever heard. Thank you. At 55, it feels like I've been engaged forever in the practice of understanding myself and re-shaping my conditioned behaviours. It's a forever project. It hurts. But each time something shifts, and I'm able to release a little more shame, I know it's worth it.
I was definitely emotionally neglected but I feel like a lot of the symptoms I have are due to my ADHD (inattentive) growing up and today. I was not given the coping mechanisms I needed and was dismissed. But this makes me feel less alone.
Yes, I have dyslexia/adhd that I found out when I diagnosed my kid with it. I was made to feel stupid and useless. Turns out my IQ is 136 and no one understood me. THEY were the stupid ones, but I’m all messed up because of it. I was also really tall, so I was expected to act my size, not my age.
I felt pretty good seeing that I’d worked through a number of the signs and they’re not an issue for my anymore. Then again the signs I haven’t worked through are doozies. One interesting one is not wanting to ask for help. I have mobility issues and need a walker to get around. I’m stunned at how many people jump in offering to help when they see me struggling. One young boy ran up my steps and asked if he could help when he saw me struggling to get a package into the house. And two teenagers who I did ask to carry a package to my door for me stood and wouldn’t resume their walk until they saw me safely go into my apartment. Acts like that are both humbling and heartwarming.
I just watched 10 minutes of you describing me and yet I still cannot trust my own judgment to truly make up my mind on whether my parents actually emotionally neglected me or not!!!!
I believe that not only do most who were emotionally neglected, did not know that it was happening at the time but also that those who were doing it had no idea they were doing it. Especially when adverse psychologies like ADHD or Autism are involved. Or most any kind of personality disorder. It just creates blinders. The really sad part in cases like that is the level of resentment and/pr denial that surfaces if as part of attempt to heal, open dialog is attempted. I've seen it more or less completely estrange a friend from her parents and I wouldn't even bother trying discuss my own with mine.
I grew up believing that i was the brat of the family, the runt, the black sheep. not worth anyone's time. a nuisance. and even though, years on, while i realise what was really going on with my family, the damage was done. i will never feel as though i am wanted or worth anyone's time
I was in my late 20’s before I finally realized I had major issues. I kept finding myself in abusive relationships, and good grief! This list!! I mean, I finally learned I was emotionally neglected, but this is all so spot on. Grateful I was able to figure it all out (still working on it but…) because my greatest desire was to get married and have children. On the top of my list is being there for my kids. Emotionally and otherwise.
This is so incredibly embarrasing for me to talk about at all, hardly anybody in my life knows about it and my family never ever talks about it, but this specific comments section feels like an apt place to air this childhood experience/trauma of time for the first time ever. When I was a kid, I had massive anxiety issues and I think this caused a nervous bladder for years, but in all honesty I'm not entirely sure if this was the cause... I'm 29 now and I've only recently started to realise that my parents treatment of this issue was pretty horrible. Until I was like, literally 10, I just couldnt control my bladder at times and I felt such intense shame about it, I cried over it daily, I felt like a pathetic failure of a person. My mother would get so angry if I had an accident at school, call me lazy, call me ridicolous for not being able to accomplish this basic thing and occasionally I would tell her that I try so hard to avoid it, but I suddenly need to go intensely and I hardly ever have the time, it's like I didn't need to go at all and suddenly I needed to go desperately, I think I must have had an actual medical issue. I would lie about playing with friends after school so I could spend hours in the bathroom trying to dry myself with the hand dryer to hide it, and when I wet the bed I'd lie in it all night because that was better than telling my mum and feeling the shame and the guilt... I'd imagine that I was wet because I was at a pool party or a waterpark to calm myself and fall asleep again. I had a diary marking the days that I didn't have an accident, and every time I broke this streak I'd cry, hit myself on the head repetitively, yell at myself for being so pathetic. As a family this was never really addressed after a certain point, in all the years since we never discussed it. When I finally lived independently I went to a doctor myself and learnt excercises to strengthen my pelvic floor and things improve. I can't understand why my mum never took me to the doctor and ridiculed me for something that I repeatedly told her wasn't controllable by me, it wasn't my fault but it made me feel like a bad kid... I had myriad other issues, I was too anxious to read out-loud and everyone assumed that I was super behind in heading (but I could read in my own head), once I got into high school this was dispoven by my english essay scores. My dad was a nightly alcoholic and he was very emotionally abusive towards me and I know that all of this made me incredibly anxious and probably caused me to score 9/9 here, but the bladder issue thing... in other ways my mum was quite attentive, on the face of it she was a caring mother, and I blamed myself for this shameful secret for years and years. I don't know if or how I should ever address it with her... my motivation to leave this comment is, essentially, I crave hearing anyone's take on this because I've mulled it over alone for years... she should have taken me to the doctor, right? lol
I'm so sorry to read that you suffered this problem without support for many years and that you experienced such painful feelings of shame about it. I am a medical professional and it sounds like you may well have been suffering with overactive/irritable bladder and yes, it would have been the right thing for you to have been taken to a doctor. Many people struggle to speak about issues related to bladder and/or bowels so you have been very courageous to seek medical help and to share your story here. I can only imagine the profound impact that this must have had on your sense of confidence and self worth when you felt responsible for a problem which was in no way your fault. I am so sorry that you were humiliated when you sought help from your mum. I really hope you find both emotional and physical healing from what you have suffered. Please know that this problem (or any other) does not define who you are - you have immense worth and I hope you can now enjoy exploring the richness of life and the rich depths of the unique person you are.
Possibly your mother thought the bladder issue was a response to living in a stressful home environment. And then blamed herself. Worried that she might be 'a bad mother'. And the only way she could suppress the bad emotion about herself, was to pretend the whole thing wasn't happening or was your (voluntary) fault.
I have read your comment and it resounds with me. I grew up in a family where I was blamed for many things that were not my fault - I was a very anxious boy and being the youngest, I seemed to be trodden on by everyone. I had such anxiety / depression I used to wet the bed regularly up until the age of ten or so 😐 and here I am at nearly 50 years old, still dealing with the years of misery that was my childhood, like so many of us here. In many ways we are all family - those of us who have lived through these miserable and lonely times.
I feel horribly for you. Your mother was awful and abusive to you. I hope you gain peace in your life because you didn’t deserve to be treated that way. 😢
This broke my heart. I'm sure everyone's parents did the best they could at the time with the tools they were given, but yes you should've been taken to be checked out...I'm so sorry 😭
My family used to be abusive and always neglected on how I was. I used to try telling them about my insomnia, anger issues and they never cared and I was hit till I stopped with my anger or crying which slowly turned me into an alcoholic at a very young age and they dint dealt with that well either. Now they are older and they are trying to get close with gifts and helps which I feel very weird and irritated, and everytime I tried to confront them, they are back in action like in old times, but more with emotional tortures and everything ends up me not thankful for the life they gave me and frequent reminders on their age and illness and I should consider it while talking, sometimes I really think I am the problem and have gone crazy with ideas to end it forever. I can't even be around them or anyone anymore. I don't talk to people, I just stay inside my room. I am a 29 yr old guy and I still don't know why I cry some days. Just sharing, here things are way past repair. Edit: I am 30 and I am losing guys, don't how long I will be able to keep this up. Thank you for being kind.
No, not past repair. Watching videos like this can help you understand why you are the way you are, that much of it is not your fault. Once you understand why you react to things the way you do, you can work at accepting and then changing your reactions to give yourself some peace. Many people would tell you to get away from your parents, but sometimes that isn't possible because of economic reasons and because of expectations that you take care of your relatives. Having to stay in the same bad relationship makes it harder to change. I'm empathetic but I don't have a good answer, sorry.
No, no not beyond repair. You are who you are and I would guarantee you know someone who was also emotionally deprived as a child. Talk about it to yourself , out loud so you can hear what you are saying . Go through all the emotions , they are to be expected and normal. And people will understand . Imagine you are talking to me. I would be listening and by the time we had finished we would be laughing. It still hurts but not always so take heart.
I'm 62 and most of life is gone and I wasted it doing all these things.. I chased love that was unavailable and mean.. because i grew up being a bother, a "don't speak unless you are spoken to", and "if you can't contribute anything interesting to the conversation then be quiet". ... and my favorite.. "I wish you would have never been born". .. My Mom loved me but i was an unexpected late age pregnancy and i really wasn't wanted but i was loved.. just not a lot.
I have done many, many years of talk therapy, my childhood has been characterized as extreme emotional neglect and I've been diagnosed with a Schizoid Personality Disorder. This video is a spot on summary of what I've learned about myself. All except #3, the lying. Thanks, it is like a refresher course of my work.
"Just get over it" is the story of my life. It's not so much being unable to make decisions as it's making the worst possible decision. My childhood "safe place" was, quite literally, in the doghouse. And that's all I will say.
Very well done presentation.. informative but concise as well... I am a therapist on a Behavioral Health Unit ( BHU ) . This is the new name for a Psychiatric unit. I can say that well over 80% of the people there have been emotionally and /or physically or sexually abused in childhood.. I have codependency as well and have been starting to share this concept with pts in groups and the response has been very positive... The mere fact of learning about it, allows people to not feel alone in their suffering... also to see that they are not defective, but have had emotional injury in childhood... 12 Step groups for codependency are very helpful as well.... I am 71 and am still recovering from this... I want to share hope.. I will be sharing your video as well... many thanks for your work !!!!!
As a first responder now retired with 30 plus years of service i had a meltdown when my dog died. All of the terrible things I saw . I spoke with a counselor for all of 4 hrs. I asked her did i take that job to avoid dealing with my life? I worked Christmas many years to avoid my family as my parents had divorced when i was 12. My Mom didn't come to my high school graduation because my dad was going, I didn't go to my university graduation because I didn't see the point. Wheni graduated from my first responder training i never told either parent when it was. I never spoke with either parent about what i saw and did. At 60 i told my brother of the horrors.
All of these are me, big time. And, as an anxious people pleaser, it's mentioned about worrying about making the wrong decision and upsetting someone else. That's the whole reason I opted to avoid becoming a lawyer, even though I would have otherwise been pretty good at it. The thought of having someone else's life or future in my hands......no way. I can't handle that. The messed up thing, is with all of this, I don't have any friends anymore. The only person I have to talk to anymore is my Mom, the main one who neglected me and, to this day, doesn't want to hear about feelings. I've tried a few times and each time, she flat out interrupts me, holds her hand up and says "I'm not talking about this right now", and walks away. When I was a kid, she'd just send me to my room, and if I was angry and acting out, she'd yell at me. I was never even allowed to laugh out loud at something if they weren't laughing too. I had to keep everything buried. Everything. Living by myself has really shown me just what I had to keep buried. Later she told me I had anger issues and never learned how to deal with my anger. I keep wanting to tell her it's her fault that she never taught me. How do you learn to deal with your feelings when no one wants to deal with you? She even told me about a time before I can remember when I was throwing a fit in a store. She put me on the floor, told me "no one wants to deal with you when you're like this", then walked away, out of view, leaving me (maybe 2 or 3 years old) alone in a big store. I'm amazed she shared this with me. She was proud of her parenting technique, because it worked. I stopped crying and went in search of her and didn't throw fits in stores anymore. Gee, I wonder why? She essentially abandoned me. And people wonder why I don't trust anyone (of course there are tons more examples and reasons than just this, but this shows it started before I even remember.
@@carollynt What? A mother should never leave her little kid on the floor in a store and walk away, out of sight, just because the kid is crying, making the kid feel abandoned. In this case, I was the kid. I still have abandonment issues and now I know why since hearing what she did to me. It doesn't matter why the kid is crying, you don't do that to them.
Emotional neglect is often completely unintentional. As someone w bpd, it helps me to keep from splitting on and hating my parents when I recognize this. They do love me deeply and at the same time my emotional needs were a bit different and might not have been met. More neutral sentences like this help me a lot to not just feel rage at my parents and feel EXTREMELY depressed and angry and like everything is awful. So yeah.
I heard all my childhood--I'll really give you something to cry about. I was so fearful of making a mistake. As a parent, I promised myself that I would be the parent I never got. I tried hard to be there, listen, encourage and teach my children. Unfortunately, #1 hit hard. Finding someone emotionally unavailable. Boy, that hit hard. He kept me guessing at what I had done to upset him and punished me for even singing to the radio and being happy. The first time I heard the word narcissist was from my physician warning me to get out because she could see the signs. The damage had been done to me and our children. It finally hit me after my next relationship with a man who is emotionally distant. I felt like I was born to be abused. This video helped me clarify some issues that had me blindsided that I can now address. Thank you so much.
Do you ever notice how people automatically apologize when they cry in front of others. Why is that? I remember when I was a child , I was embarrassed of showing emotions like crying in front of people. I think this was because growing up in the 70’s, I was told by my dad “stop crying or I’ll give you something to make you cry for” no hugs, just a threat of being beat for crying . Classic! This taught me I should feel ashamed of my feeling, and it is best if you don’t show them in front of others or else!
Well spoken and relatable. Lots of gaps in the memory of my younger childhood. I remember a couple times being injured, like at 2 years old hitting my head and getting stitches. My dad worked and while at home my mom took 222's, I remember her saying it a lot, "I need some 222's" I asked what it was and she said, "my nerve medication" or "nerve pills". My dad told me later that he found me in my crib crying and I do have a memory of standing in my crib screaming with a dirty diaper and I was told later that I wore a diaper for a long time and that I was "hard to toilet train". What I gather from that now is that it was too much trouble and time for her to spend with me. She was the daughter of a manic depressive, alcoholic and her mother was, in my uncles words "a hater of men". People can not help that their dysfunctions resonate on future generations....but it is a fact. Generational trauma is hard to make go away...takes a few generations at the least.
This is all very validating. I never used to think of myself as someone who experienced emotional neglect, since I was certainly the target of many negative emotions, like rage and sadness and the expectation to cater to those emotions. Now I'm realizing that of course that's emotional neglect, since it's a neglect of the emotional well being of the child.
Wow, I’ve never had myself described so accurately by anyone. I thought that my situation was completely unique so I have become completely alone by my own choosing and although sort of comfortable I know I’m missing so much. I have alienated everyone in my life so these comments seem to hit home for me. Now at a later stage in my life, I still don’t know how to become who I really am, it’s just ‘easier’ to stay ‘hidden’ although it is truly lonely.
I have been listening to Running on Empty and it's changed my perspective quite a bit. It is amazing how learning what I didn't know has helped me understand myself and my tendencies.
This was like a punch in the Stomach! My parents did their best, Father an orphan who lost his parents in WW1 and my Mum eldest of 13 siblings. I'm born youngest of 3 but 18 and 13 years behind my siblings. Parents did not know how to show feelings and I learnt not to ask for them. I learned strong ethics in everything to be successful, work hard, be honest, do no bad. But, never wanted friends, never learnt empathy or the need for companionship. I'm lucky I'm married to a wonderful women who has a great extended family who let be part of it when I can and understand when it is too much. So much of this content resonated.
I have had to isolate myself from my family. They don't believe that I was abused. I was neglected severely. To the point where my mother...years after I became an adult said, "I don't know you..." Cause I never felt safe to tell anyone anything. I was a shadow on the wall in my own home. It's hard being gaslight about it all. I want to shake people, show them the truth, but they won't listen, cause it's too painful to admit that my truth is real. I have to be okay with the fact that they will never come around, and I will never be with them anymore. I have to make a new family.
one of the worst things is when ppl tell you “but that’s your mom/dad” “it’s your parents first time living too” “but that’s your family how can u just not talk to them” their are just people on this earth who absolutely and cannot comprehend the fact that not all parents are good parents. but ofc those who are privileged never see it from another pov
I don't remember hardly anything from my childhood. But I do remember early on coming to my parents stressed out and crying about something only to be told repeatedly that "You're a kid! You don't have a job! You don't have ANYTHING to be stressed out about! Wait until you're a grown-up, then you'll know what stress is." I quickly learned that my problems didn't matter and I didn't matter.
I’m still trying to come to terms with the fact that I was emotionally neglected as a child. Almost all of these match me to a T. Even calling it abuse feels too harsh. But it’s true. Thank you for the informative video.
I’ve recently started to realize how my parents’ divorce may have led to emotional neglect. I was in two different houses for half the time, and as a result missed a lot so I just went along with things and made myself small for the sake of everyone else. I know it’s neither of their faults, but it’s frustrating feeling like you couldn’t open up when things felt rough.
I am so sorry you had to go through that.. and thank you for mentioning such an important piece too... that divorce can lead to emotional neglect as well. I hope you are able to find help now so that you can finally feel safe to open up and be heard :) xoxo
Thank you Katie. I’ve started working through my feelings not too long ago and learning that I matter and I’m allowed to take up space without being guilty about it. Thank you for this channel.
It’s like being trapped inside yourself
... and haunting one's own life.
And not knowing it's abnormal and unhealthy
YES!
Hit the nail on the head. I’m a shell of a person
“Born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison… for your mind.” Morpheus to Neo
"If you don't stop crying I'm going to give you something to cry about!" was something I heard a lot. I was confused because I HAD something to cry about but no one cared what it was.
Or the other one which was, 'Come back when you stop crying and tell me the problem!', then when you went back to explain the reply was, 'Well, your not crying anymore so everything must be OK so there was no need for the crying in the first place!! That was so confusing as a child because you couldn't win and you never had the chance to explain your problem, just not listened to in anyway
YES! Same here.
Ditto
I was raised with this. *"WE HAVE NO FEELINGS IN THIS FAMILY. SO DON'T EVER TALK ABOUT YOUR F-ING FEELINGS."*
@@JustForFun-mt9og Ouch!
When my dad died a neighbour asked how I was. I immediately started talking about how my mother was doing. He stopped me and said no I want to know how you are. I realised I had no vocabulary to express my feelings as my mother’s narcissism had conditioned me to only think of her and never myself.
Ohhh, I'm sending love to you, your post really touches me, I was like that, too, especially when i was growing up.My mother's feelings tended to overwhelm the family. But her discussion of "compulsive lying" fits my family so well, too.A great presentation!
I am so sorry that you experienced this.
I was 23 when my 11 year old sister passed away. My brother was 25. I was married, but my husband was in Iraq on deployment. For the whole 5 days it took for him to get home, I didn't cry, because I didn't have someone to cry to. I just kept stuffing my feeling and stuffing my feelings, until he walked through the funeral home door. Then I finally cried. But the other big thing that really drove home my lack of safe space to cry was the one time my mom "checked" on me, she asked me how did I think my brother was feeling. He was surrounded by his significant other and her family. I felt like a desert island. And I hated it. All of it
@@thiamay7927 I'm sorry you had to go through that alone, and be expected to defer your feelings for your brother who already had a support system there. That was so unfair when you needed it too and had to suppress your grieving. Much love to you - Sharon ❤
When my dad died, I felt immense relief.
Just remembered when I was 7, I was attending dance classes and I was good at it and that day I had a concert. I remember when we finished the performance, other kids would get flowers from their parents. I didn’t look much into the audience because I knew there are no familiar faces for me. I remember vividly how I was going home alone, and it was already late and dark outside and I was wearing all the makeup from the concert while squeezing the key in my fist just in case to protect myself.
Interesting how only when you grow up you understand none of it was normal.
That breaks my heart! What were your parents thinking? So sorry. I hope your relationship with them is better or you have moved on and take care of yourself 🙏💛
I am so sorry and I know that pain. So sorry.
Yes, I understand. Me too. But learning from that - I always make an effort to tell friends and colleagues that they done good, when they did good. Just wish someone had done so for me when I was young, but that's past now.
I understand. I had to beg my Dad to come to my graduation. He was busy working on his hobby , antique cars . Neither of my parents would come to my college graduation , so neither did I .
@@blatherskite9601 I don't ever remember my mother complimenting me EVER... not even on my wedding day when you try to look your best! As a child, I couldn't wait till I would die so i could watch them suffering because they made me feel so bad about myself!
0:59 9 - Being out of touch with our emotions.
2:05 8 - Being extremely defensive.
3:42 7 - People pleasing.
4:43 6 - Often unable to ask for help.
5:39 5 - Shame even after the smallest mistake.
6:34 4 - We want to isolate all the time.
7:33 3 - We compulsively lie.
8:37 2 - Difficulty making decisions.
9:26 1 - We seek out unavailable partners.
Shit im all of these.
I'm all but #3@@rootbeer4888
lol; knowing is half the battle - GI. Joe@@rootbeer4888
Whelp
Thank you
My mother used to sigh, shake her head and say, "What are we going to do with you?" Thing is, I wasn't a difficult kid. By the time I became a teenager, I wanted to scream, "Shut up and listen to me once in a while! Don't pick apart everything I do in private and then take credit for all my accomplishments in public!" But that would have been asking for trouble. So I got out as soon as I could.
I relate. She always made herself into the victim suffering with such a messed up kid, when she was really just too self centered and lazy to be a parent at all.
Ah I think we are sisters from the same toxic vile dysfunctional mother!!!
I too fled - it felt like abuse then and now
It's highly Narcissistic. Sorry you experienced that.
Sounds like my Mom
I was emotionally neglected as a child. The hardest part now is being a mom and fulfilling my toddler’s emotional needs.
I am sure... it's like you have to learn how to do that for yourself and offer it to your child. But even being aware of this is a huge step in the right direction!! xoxo
I have this struggle with my own little ones. I understand you!
I also struggled with this with my own kids. Something that helped me was to think about how I would have wanted my mom to respond to me.
I struggle with this as well, with my 8 year old.
@@Katimorton I learned so much from this video , maybe this is why I can't feel emotions
I’ve always had this broken record playing in my mind that says I really didn’t have a bad childhood. There are people who had REALLY bad childhoods, so mine looks like a fairytale in comparison. But it’s videos like these that make me realize that just because my childhood looks good from the outside, doesn’t mean that the consequences of neglect aren’t there and aren’t affecting my adult life. I needed to hear all these signs to drive that point home for me. Thank you!
"I had a pretty good childhood" basically means I got braces and vaccines. I always seem to gloss over in my mind that _everyone noticed, but no one did anything to curb an eating disorder._ I was just sitting here thinking "hmmm, I agree with all these feelings, but nothing bad happened in _my_ childhood." Then came the "well, I guess there was this one time when..."
I feel this, I constantly feel like I am lying and victimizing myself when I’m reality it wasn’t that bad and I am just trying to shift my problems onto someone (parents) or events (childhood)
I have C-PTSD and feel guilty for having it. Not that bad, but it did a number on me.
Same for me.
Same! I always say others had it worse...my sister and I were beat with a 1x2...one time my step father missed me and hit a rocking chair...the 1x2 broke in half. There was also so much phycological abuse and fear. As an adult I have a very hard time with anger as much as I try to control it. Thankfully I broke the cycle and my daughter and I have an amazing relationship. Still I know others had it MUCH worse...my sister definitely did and yeah the fucker did that too.
I never feel like the adult in the room, question myself constantly, and hate to ask for help. I AM what you are describing😞.
Same here my mother set me up for failure. Who she chose over me, didn’t give a flying fly about her. I became a people pleaser unfortunately i respected everyone else opinion except my own. The biggest people pleaser in the room was myself. Unfortunately we can’t choose our parents if I could it would not have been her. I saw her suffer most of her life because she chose a low life
Healing from this childhood emotional neglect is WORTH the effort. I'm a senior citizen, born in the 50's and working on healing for the past 20+ years. It does get better, but it's a LOT of work. So keep at it fellow sufferers, the healing takes time, but's it is SO WORTH IT!
Any recommendations on what you did for yourself to heal?
As a 70 year old I wish I could have seen this video 50 years ago, my life would have been a lot easier. One of the advantages of being a senior is having the ability of seeing my life as it really is, and seeing all the events both good and bad that happened to me. I spent many years of my life searching for acceptance. Bad jobs, no career, bad relationships, bad decisions.
Excellent video. It explains a lot.
Thanks sir,I'm 74&seeing these things as you,&feeling very sad. These are overwhelming things I've gotten to know over the last few years.
Thank God even though Ive had these 9 things,poor decisions out of desperation,living in the best of my 4th marriage,#2&3totally unavailable.
Take care!
Please see Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. Library has it. Immemse life changer.
I can definitely relate to your response. We can congratulate ourselves for surviving!
me too, makes me feel like I was the guy who ordered the Bomb in my last life.
Same age! I too look back on my life. I isolated, made bad decisions, was a people pleaser couldn't say NO, felt used. I did try with my kids to find out what was bothering them, hugged them lots as infants, toddlers, primary school, obviously I missed the boat on stuff. As they got older I didn't give them the hugs and 'I love you'. I also married someone who was emotionally distant.
I always knew I was emotionally deprived or neglected as a child. I was emotionally abused. I didn't know what to do about it, nothing was offered...
I did go to treatment at 40, a private treatment centre and it was like she explained finding my emotions. I tested at 9 years old emotionally. It took at least 2 years to begin to put a name to feelings, I put an emoji chart on my fridge for reference. I continued with outpatient therapy for a few years. I found myself, my place, learned to say NO and ask for help, found a career, expressed my feelings and thoughts and knew the difference.
Had a psychologist ask me want I always wanted to do for a career (my mother always disapproved). I made excuses, she refuted all of them, so I took the leap, trained and loved it, still working in it. I never abused alcohol or used drugs. But I did suffer from bouts of depression, sometimes suicidal but never had depression episodes after my recovery.
Another psychologist on my journey told me I didn’t know who I was and did a personality tests on me (Briggs and Straton), I could totally relate and from then on it was okay to accept myself, that's who I was and there was nothing wrong with it. Thats when I met myself!
Another one told me I was culturally confused. She explained it.. yup that too! I learned about both!
I'm an introvert, so I do enjoy alone time, but I developed my extroverted side.
I was lucky I ran into these people, psychologists who helped me on my recovery journey. I found happiness and self-love.
I do see the damage I did in my kids. Over the years, I've tried to change it. They sought healing with therapists. I see the cycle breaking in my grandkids.
I believe we all have life regrets. It's done, over and in the past and we are constantly moving forward.
As a man, I feel like I got doubly screwed. Not only that I experienced severe emotional neglect (with bonus parentification!) but we as men are socialized not to really show or embrace emotion. That is considered weak, effeminate, unbecoming. Glad I got over that block, I enjoy feeling things and loving people.
Yeah, I agree. I thought about where my emotional neglect came from. In case of my father I came to the conclusion that boys and men don't really get that many opportunities in life to develop emotional maturity. Most of the time not during childhood in the family (learning through the main male role model or in case of a single mother how she interacts with men and they with her) nor in society.
Women are increasingly expected to hold back "weak" emotions, also. We aren't supposed to be feminine as that's seen as weakness also.
As a man I’m learning this now. I am now learning at 51 that THIS is why I have been single my whole life
I am glad you got over that block too!! Hopefully we can slowly shift society away from these old ways of talking to and treating men. xoxo
I am a girl and I was shown ZERO empathy and I wasn’t ever held or comforted or allowed to cry, while my brothers were given all of that. So don’t think that your experience is exclusive to your sex. A scapegoated girl receives 4X the abuse that a scapegoated or neglected male ever could, especially because of how misogynistic all of society and all religions are.
I'm crying so hard right now! This is the first time I've ever felt this validated in 59 years!
I feel exactly the same way, and I'm the same age (a child in the awful 60s). Question is, after this long, how do you heal?
Good question@@trudi1962
Same, I am 60 and sat here tearing up just after the first four. Sending a big cyber hug for us all.
You're BOTH not alone - and being 62, I've known this (about myself) for a while. There is hope, and healing. Love yourself. You're worth it. Much Love.
@@dianajohnson7337
I am 62, soon 63. I never knew I was emotionally neglected until my sister pointed it out to me, what it was and what it meant. I mean I always knew something was wrong with my family. I had a friend in my early teens and whenever one of her family came or went it was hugs all round and expressions of love. This was totally foreign to me! To this day I have never been hugged by my parents, nor ever told I was loved or praised. This left a huge hole in my psyche. I am unable to have healthy relationships with males. I tried several times but it all ended in tears and depression.
When I was 17 and my boyfriend broke up with me I was sitting on the steps sobbing and my mother said “It’s not the end of the world!” in a snotty voice. We all were thumbsuckers to self soothe because we sure weren’t getting any affection from the parents.
I felt guilty expressing my dissatisfaction with my childhood because wasn’t I fed regularly, didn’t I have clean sheets and a warm bed? The house was clean, the laundry was done and it all looked good, didn’t it?
Is it any wonder we all have substance abuse issues in one form or another. I’m 11 years clean and sober but my one sibling is an alcoholic and the other is an opiate addict in active addiction.
So much PAIN courses throughout my family and nobody wants to admit our childhood sucked big time!
My dad was a police officer killed in the line of duty in 1974. I was 8 years old. We didn’t talk about it in our house. There was no counseling available to us and we returned to school one week later where our classmates were instructed to treat us as if nothing ever happened. Today, I’m a 57 year old woman who still can’t express myself and have spent my life merely treading water. Every day is a fight for survival.
That's heartbreaking and may your Father rest in peace and I thank him for his service.As someone who buried a daughter when mine were still children,we don't know the proper and best way to deal with it.I also never brought up Ashley in hopes not to remind her sisters and bring pain to them,now that I'm older I realize I was wrong and we should have properly grieved..Your mom was lost and in shock herself just trying to protect and make it easier on y'all..I pray you find healing and peace pertaining to your father's crossing over.Again,im deeply sorry you had to lose your Dad as a child.
I can relate to that "treading water"; I feel like I'm just "putting in my time"-not really living
I don't remember ever being told my mother loved me, nor do I remember her ever putting her arms around me. Not once. I feel like I never pleased her, never made her proud. She didn't even tell me about periods. My father was stationed in a remote place overseas, and I didn't even have girls my own age around me. I was 11-1/2 yrs old, smack in the middle of childhood when my period started. I thought I was dying, and I never said a word. She noticed stained clothes in the laundry and gave me some half-assed textbook explanation and some supplies We never mentioned it again except when I needed supplies. I was alone. I did better with my sons--I resolved to tell them I loved them, I hugged them, and we talked about all kinds of things--nothing was ever out of bounds--even now when they are both happily married and I have grown grandchildren. For the life of me I don't understand why I am still hurting about what my mother did to me. I didn't cry when she died, and I can't even say I love her.
It’s amazing what people go through as children,and it seems to never go away. It becomes hardwired in our beings.So great you have been a wonderful mother and grandmother! When I got my period my mother took me to the drugstore for pads. On the way there she said,” Well,if you were So and So’s daughter she would say you are a woman now”. That was it. Haha,I didn’t know what that meant but okay. My mother was shut down and not affectionate. I have compassion for her now,but the damage from an emotionally stunted family is there. I hear your pain. Meditation might help you. Close your eyes and just feel your being and just sit,let go. Joy and love are innate. I tell myself that at the same time. 💛🙏
I remember the 1 time my mom left a birthday card on the kitchen table that said love mom, I was about 15 years old. She had never said it nor wrote it. When I saw it, it felt weird to see. But how sad it left such a memory.
I learned about taking care of my period from magazines. Tampons had just been invented, so there was lots of advertising. I was living with my father then, because my family had just split up.
Normal feelings. I wascrelieved when my mother died, not because i didnt love her but because i could live my life without her disapproval.
Mine was similar to that.
" I will give you something to be upset about." "Choke all emotion down until you become numb. Never complain. Never ask. Be strong. Be independent. "
All these rules left me open to the physical and other abuse. I was 9 for 9 on this list.
Same. I think there's another one there: do you also have trouble apologizing honestly? That was always met with, "Oh so you're SORRY?! I'll give you something to be sorry about!"
I can relate. The #1 phrase I remember my mother saying to me, "You have NO right to be angry! This is all YOUR fault!"
Jesus, that first one, I literally read in my father's voice
Were you the oldest child?
Wow! That gave me a flashback. My reaction to that first line was visceral. I’d blocked that out of my memory. “I’ll give you something to cry about”.
I am a girl. I was terribly neglected as a child. I was not only hit repeatedly but I wasn't allowed to make a noise. My brothers were encouraged to be mean to me and I felt so isolated with 5 brothers and a mum that acted like she hated me. I am now 63 and have moved to a small village of about 80 people and rarely leave my house.
Just a friendly hug. You are wonderful, talented and have the right to express yourself in your own unique way. So, please make as much nose as you feel like.
😢
I would like such a village, I hate people 🫤
Dear, dear lady… I am sorry for your pain and suffering as a lonely little girl and young woman. I wish that I could make you a cup of tea, sit with you and listen to your story. Please receive a hug. ❤
Sending compassion and hugs… 😘
This video explains everything. I sat here and cried as I ticked off each one of these points. I grew up with an emotionally checked out father and a mother who was severely depressed and spent much of my childhood sleeping. She was barely able to meet my basic physical needs, much less the emotional ones. I was waking up to an alarm and getting myself off to school entirely on my own in kindergarten. I spent much of my time thinking of things to do to try and make her happy, but to no avail. As a child, I didn't even know this wasn't normal, but as an adult, the memories hurt a lot.
The only reaction I did not tick was the compulsive lier. All the rest are men even in my mid 80's
At least you have recognised the signs. Your healing will start now
@@stephenluke2347same here, except the liar one, getting this at 61
I remember how sad it was opening Christmas presents by myself...just pointless.
Oh bless you! I remember ironing my little dress before first grade one morning, getting up early to do that. I still hafe the scar on my inner wrist from the iron. OH scar, in all senses of the word. But I did it becuase I wanted to be that independent, for whateer reason. My mother would pick arguments with my poor father that lasted until late in the night and I just wanted deeply to be free!
this was childhood 101 for many of us Gen Xers who grew up in the 70's and 80's. I have vowed to be very different with my children.
Wow. It's quite shocking because most Gen-Xers don’t even get this far mentally, based on my experience of being raised around many of them. They taught me absolutely nothing in my family; they were more like distant friends than genuine authority figures or healthy-minded adults raising millennials and Gen-Z. I raised myself and had to experience life alone, which made me hyper-independent, adopt a strict defensive approach to life, and wise up before my legal age. I had two Gen-X parents: one born in 1974, who’s alive but was extremely emotionally neglectful, and another born in 1977, who’s deceased but was very distant, extremely negligent, and unavailable in any aspect of my life. It’s like I didn’t even know them, and they came off more like distant cousins than parents.
Being in foster care in the 50s/60s I didn’t have a clue what parental interest was, let alone parental love was.
My child's life with me was so vastly different to mine with my toxic narcissistic mother. In fact, he is now 37 and we have the most wonderful relationship. I am no contact with my mother for 11 years. Set myself free to heal and grow and recover. A daily journey.
Yeah my Gen x parents did better than their parents by far but as their first child I'm realizing now how fucked I've been all my life. They just didn't have an example to follow.
I can recall crying as a child, and several times being told "Stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about!". Behind closed doors, my mother would often say, "I should have had poodles instead of children", or threaten to leave us and tell us we'd have to go into "Care", whenever she fell out with my father. When I asked my sister if we had a bad childhood, she said she didn't know, nether of us could decide.
My parents weren't rich but they always made sure our physical and material needs were met and I'll always be thankful to them for it.
But they were also both emotionally stunted and were dismissive of my emotional needs as a small child. They couldn't understand my problems and they weren't interested in trying to understand. The few times I actually asked for help, I never got it - what I did get were things like; "Get over it", "Snap out of it", or "Ignore it". They weren't abusive but they were unable to connect on an emotional level - and of course this extends past the family unit and out in the world as well - teachers and staff at school were pretty much the same: dismissive, indifferent and unwilling to help in any way.
By the time I left school I felt utterly worthless
same
I know. How about "you want something to cry about? I'll give you something to cry about."
Every word resonates with me.
I don’t understand why there are so many “adults” like this. That ignore the other percentages of peoples feelings and somehow everything works in their favor.
Chances are their parents did the same, and their parents, generations?
We were told stop crying or I will give you something to cry about
Never
I didn't cry
That is so awful. I hope y’all have mended your relationships with them or you have moved on to better relationships!🙏💛
Yep. If cried past that, got the belt. And still told to ‘dry it up’.
@@mistyobarr that is the cruelest thing! I don’t know how parents can be so cruel! I hope you left them out of your adult life. 🙏
It is 3:30 am. I am 56 years old. Diagnosed a year ago with ASD and ADHD about 10 years ago. At 7 minutes into this video you are talking about isolation and I immediately realized I set my alarm for ungodly hours so I can sit outside in the dark, alone with RUclips and myself. I identify with every word of this video. A while back I was forced to move into my childhood home with my octogenarian parents for financial reasons. I am now acutely aware that I am what I am today (alone, confused and unsuccessful) because I was neglected emotionally as a child and continue to be so to this day by my folks. I see now how they cannot cope with emotions of their own and I was (by reports from my brother) way too much for them to manage. Taken to a psychiatrist in the third grade I never got a Dx from that man. Followed by 4 decades of being told I had anxiety and depression. Yet no improvement in my ability to navigate life. Finally beginning to understand how I abandoned myself and my quest to know who I was in order to assure everybody in my orbit was not mad at me. Holy Sh!t. I have a lot to talk to my therapist about this week.
Hope you are doing well. I'm 35 but in a very similar situation; living with my elderly parents and it's very hard on the psyche.
💝
You should try church.
I don't see people pleasing as being manipulative, I see it as a way to feel less anxious for someone who has been around someone who is abusive, therefore trying to keep the peace while walking on eggshells.
not manipulative, just trying to protect oneself, isnt it?
I see people pleasing as a way to keep everyone happy so that no one blows up at me. That is an attempt to "manipulate" the situation.
It is a survival mechanism. It is NOT manipulative and I don’t believe that label is helpful for survivors who were literally and actually manipulated by abusers all their life.
It helps me because as an adult, away from abusive dynamics, I realize how trying to control situation and other people's feelings instead of learning how to manage my own can feel stifling and oppressive to the other person. Even manipulative. They are allowed to have upset or sad feelings and disagree with me, they don't have to be pleased to regulate my emotions. Adaptations to abuse can still hurt other people.
@@Flightofthesparrowit is manipulative but not really in a bad way imo. My manipulation itself is wrong i guess
When someone asks what I want for my birthday or Christmas I draw a complete blank. Not because there aren’t things I want but because I learned what I want doesn’t matter to others. If I want something I will get it for myself. I’m getting better about it
mom used to get so frustrated with me for this. ironically she was the one who caused the issue
What helps me is keeping a list year round. Anytime I want something but for whatever reason don't get it for myself, it goes on the list. Then when someone asks I can look at the list and choose the appropriate items to ask for from that person
Timestamps:
Sign #9: Being out of touch with our emotions 00:57
Sign #8: Being extremely defensive 02:03
Sign #7: People pleasing 03:42
Sign #6: We are often unable to ask for help 04:43
Sign #5: Shame after even the smallest mistake 05:35
Sign #4: We want to isolate all the time 06:32
Sign #3: We compulsively lie 07:32
Sign #2: Difficulty making decisions 08:39
Sign #1: We seek out unavailable partners 09:24
Thank you
8 out of 9, yep I was emotionally neglected
8/9 for me, too. I don't compulsively lie, in fact, I feel horribly guilty if I think I might be lying. I think this relates to the people-pleasing for me. If I lie, I'm convinced the other person knows I'm lying and I'm making them mad.
All these things apply to children who’ve been spoilt as well.
This is my mother. She chose to throw me away instead of working with me and a family therapist so we could get along.
i was told over and over again as a child to "suffer in silence" and was sent to my room every time my emotions got too big.
As was I, until I attempted suicide when I was about 17. The day such behaviour will become illegal to do to a child will be the day I can die happy... and I'll do my best to make it happen while I live. I can promise you that.
As a kid when I would express my feelings it was always either met with anger or I was completely ignored, as a result I stopped sharing how I felt, which led to self harming because I had so much inside me and I couldn't stand it. I've had to work hard to be open and honest about my feelings. Now I can even cry in front of people, and even though some people still shame me for having feelings I'm proud of myself and try to remind myself that having feelings is normal and not annoying or shameful.
The compulsive lying to keep the peace is so real. I could go a whole day without eating but when you ask I'm never hungry. I'm never cold, I'm never thirsty, I'm never tired and I'm never upset because admitting it feels like asking for too much.
Belittled and laughed at for showing emotions. So, suppressed every emotion.
My mother was a dutiful mom: she kept us fed, housed, clothed, enrolled us in school, took us to the dentist, and so on. She was NOT a loving, nurturing mother. Both my older sister and I were emotionally stunted during childhood. My mother simply doesn't DO emotions, to this day. She never cuddled with us, or comforted us, it was always about being a good soldier and stifling ourselves. She hated it when we touched her, she would visibly shudder and pull away. She's also a covert passive-aggressive narcissist, so the only feelings that matter are hers: it's imperative to always perceive her and talk to her as if she's the most loving, caring, giving, self-sacrificing mother the world has ever seen. I have been thinking a lot lately about how often I feel numbness and despair around her. (She has also weaponized my emotions against me in the past.) When I lived out in the western U.S., I still had life troubles but I felt free to feel the way I felt about them. Now that I'm back in the same town with her (I came back to be a grandma to my new grand babies), I feel hopeless and powerless again. I'm starting to think, Huh..., maybe it's her dismissal of me as a human being, basically, as well as her incessant need for positive attention, is most of the reason why.
Great insight. The difference between how you felt far away from her and now is very significant. Pay attention to that.
Well, she can get the same level of emotional care in a state nursing home.
I have ZERO sympathy for today's generation of narcissistic "elders".
It's the same generation of rapists, child molesters & serial killers from our childhood & the reason so many kids were on the backs of milk cartons.
Yes, I'd say trust your intuition.
I totally understand! My Mom was cold and unattached! Devastating as an Adult!
Omg are you sure you didn’t write this for me?? Sounds so familiar. I find myself lying to my mother just so I don’t have to engage. I get physically sick when I am around her. Yet I still yearn for a mother.
Learning these signs, over the last two years, finally allowed me to admit that there actually was something wrong with my childhood. It wasn't just me, there was a real reason I had all these issues. It was so validating and the first step towards real healing. Thank you for sharing these. Your teaching and support changes lives ❤
Aww of course! So happy to help :) And yes, it can be so validating in many ways, and help combat the shame that abuse creates. xoxoxo
OR!…what if…there is a problem with EVERYONE, not just you? Of all the people I’ve met in my life, (some in significant roles), here is the % breakdown:
70% Bad people.
25% Average people.
5% Outstanding people.
And this video wants me to think, there is something the matter with me? (Which there is, because why would I be watching). But my point is…there is a reason other than myself, that I isolate from the world.
@@Bat_Boy Yeah, I'm watching this and thinking 'yes this describes my childhood and some of my adult challenges, but also, it was a very common parenting style in the 70-80s. There must be lots of us out there!'
I can't believe I fit all of this- I remember my mom saying "I wear my heart on my sleeve..." I didn't know what that meant but I knew it wasn't good. I was adopted by my aunt but I didn't know it until I was 35. So awkward and confusing. My mom lied to me about all of it because she promised her brother she'd never tell. I really would like a therapist who could help like you. Is there anyone around Seattle I could go to? I'm 73 and I'd really like to settle it. Thank you.
@@lynettejwhite 60s as well. Remember "children are to be seen and not heard". That was my upbringing. As an adult, my Aunt told me she thought we were unnaturally quiet almost creepy.
I am 50 years old. And seeing your video made me cry because i am now realizing the reasons for so many things....
Oh my….I have finally pinpointed what my childhood was! I use to think my mom and I were great friends (as a young adult I bent over backwards to please her), but when I told her I was pregnant (27, married 6 years, everything paid off, and money in the bank), my mom hung up on me. I waited 3 days (she usually called every day) and called her back and asked her what that was about, she said she was just shocked at the news!! My daughter was very young and watching tv and asked me, “what are they really saying”? My first thought was to lie and say, “nothing”, but instead I told her she was right, they were implying something else. I then gave her an age appropriate answer. I’m glad to say she grew up to be very intuitive.
I use to say, I was well fed, had clothes, a stay at home mom…..but…. (I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
Yes, I married the emotionally guy (20 years), now divorced for 24 years and scared to death to get in another relationship.
I struggle terrible with identifying emotions. I told my counselor that it’s like the back of my head knows something isn’t right, but the front of my head can’t figure it out, so I get depressed.
Since the summer of my 7th grade, I discovered that I got “atta boys” in the form of money, so I found comfort in being with other people.
Oh my! Here I am, 78 years old and a veteran of three marriages and four therapists and I am SO wishing that I could have listened to your post A long, long time ago. I could have made better choices and truly let the love of my life know just how much I loved and treasured him before he died. I hope he knew and now, for the time i have left, I will try to prevent this damage from being passed on to my son and my sweet, loving, talented granddaughter. Thank you for your insightful post!! 😍
I always get triggered when people ask, "how are you?" I usually deflect and don't answer or just give the standard fine, because I hate sharing anything about myself at all
I too hate the question. When I am asked that at church I simple say, “I’m here.”
I never say anything but “I’m fine.” I haven’t ever had anyone ask me that that was really interested in a true answer. There are many narcissists in the world.
It doesn't really matter how you answer that question. Even if you straight up tell them "bad" they'll just ignore it, maybe with a shake of the head or some other form of disapproval for not saying the standard "fine".
Just say I'm living the dream...
I love my mother so much. She really tried and it was only her. My dad left and she did everything herself. My sister and I were neglected as she was always working. We were latch door kids. It came out in different ways, for me and my sister. I have always felt loved by my mum, but she couldn’t deal with her emotions very well. It’s a learnt skill to deal with your emotions. She’s still there for me, and she knows she wasn’t particularly good. You aren’t always the parent your child needs but you are the one they have, so you got to keep trying.
This is the same thing for me I love my mom to the moon and back and she tried her very best as an overworked single mother and she still does, she knows that I didn't get any support emotionally and it sucks now cause I'm 17 and I'm only just now getting therapy but it ends when I turn 18 in a couple of months and there's a HUGE waiting list :/
It made a huge difference in my life, when I realized that when my parents had me they were basically just kids. Mom was 21, Dad was 23. They were just learning to navigate life themselves. And they had too many kids too fast. Once I left home as an adult, I became responsible for myself (which everyone knows, of course). But part of that responsibility was to become my own mother and father. So instead of moaning about not having had good parents, I made a list of all the things I liked about them (to feel grateful for), and ways in which I wished they'd been better parents. Then I gave myself the gift of self-parenting, using that list. Mom seemed weak to me, and had unpredictable flashes of anger. She was not the kind of role model I wanted, so I joined the women's movement and found several women who could be. Dad wouldn't teach me mechanical things, because there were so many boys in the family, so I found the local community college and took a car mechanics class to start me off. I went through my whole list that way and it really helped me function in life a whole lot better.
I just realized recently that my struggles with BPD traits, extreme inability to regulate emotions, depression, anxiety and a feeling like I'm drowning all the time are because my mother is a non-abusive narcissist. She wasn't out to get me (unless I tried to ask for help, which I did very very few times and was left scarred), but she was extremely neglectful, while gushing about how all her kids are her babies and her life doesn't make sense without us. I grew up so isolated because she never went anywhere or did anything and never talked to me about anything serious or meaningful. Developed perfectionism because getting good grades was the only time I felt like I had worth, I didn't feel recognized as a person otherwise. I had no sense of self and no self esteem, ended up with a bunch of narcissists that made everything worse. It took a looong time to unravel everything, and I'm still not done - just broke up with another narcissist. I wish they taught these things at school...
*C-PTSD. Unless if you abuse people, you can’t be a borderline, because the entirety of the cluster b are simply different flavors of narcissist, to the point where they are going to abolish all of the different cluster b types and make all of the cluster b diagnoses narcissist plus their subtype.
Most BPD diagnoses nowadays are misdiagnosed C-PTSD, and you can look at how identical BPD and NPD are in the newest ICD and DSMs are. And emotional literacy exercises are the only and best way to learn to regulate and process your emotions.
C-PTSD can be improved, while personality disorders are incurable and make you a danger to everyone around you, so trust me, you don’t want a BPD diagnosis. And narcissistic neglect is still abuse, by the way, because neglect is a form of abuse. I was both abused and neglected by my narcissist parents, so I know what you are talking about.
I relate to so much of what you said here. Anytime I asked for help, I was given a list of ways I could help myself. To this day, I'm afraid to ask anybody for help with anything, because of the fear of being told no, and the feelings of rejection and hurt that comes with that. I was the child that didn't get in any trouble and had perfect grades and couldn't stand to disappoint even a stranger. My belief system was that everyone else around me was more important and better than me. The few times I stayed over at a friend's house, I couldn't even eat their food, because I wasn't worthy. The most common emotions I remember feeling was shame, embarrassment, and sadness.
I'm right there with you. Both my parents were narcissists & I always felt like there was something really wrong with me...that if I could just be perfect, or at least good enough, maybe I'd finally be loved or at least accepted. Needless I say, I have zero self-esteem & zero confidence.
non-abusive narcissist doesnt exist. Abuse is all they do.Look up covert narcissist; it is likely what you meant about your mom.
Unraveling is a good way to describe my current experience at 74 years of age fully realizing for the first time that my mother was emotionally unavailable and, as a result, I had two marriages end in divorce because the men were also emotionally unavailable. I continue to unravel all the rules I wove into a sheltering cloth to protect me from hurt. It's a freedom I'm enjoying.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this
Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Microdosing helped me get out of the pit of my worst depressive episode, a three year long episode, enough to start working on my mental health.
So sorry to hear about the death of dr.porass. Prayers for his family.
When I was younger and I'd get upset about something, my parents almost never tried to comfort me. Instead, they'd tell me, "Nobody is going to feel sorry for you." Those words have been burnt into my mind. My parents are just so negative and pessimistic about people and the world. Everyone has ulterior motives or they're trying to get one over on you. They were never optimistic about anything even when they had good reason to be. Our family motto should be, "Life sucks and then you die."
As an adult, it takes me a long time to get comfortable around people. I have an extremely hard time believing anyone would care about what I have to say or how I feel, so whenever someone has put effort into getting to know me or has done something genuinely nice for me I'm shocked and almost overwhelmed. I don't think people are naturally bad or mean, I just always think they have way better and more important things to do than to talk to my lame ass.
I'm 48 and only realized / accepted in the last 6 months that I was the victim of childhood abuse and neglect. This video is a checklist of all the worst parts of me. There are so many things I need to change, it feels overwhelming. I just found out my sister has been in therapy for 15 years dealing with our childhood. It seems crazy that I might still be in therapy dealing with my childhood when I'm 70.
Better than finding out in your 70s that your childhood explains the way life has been! On another note: Your sister was in therapy that long and never thought to ask you how you processed your shared childhood!? Does she discuss it with you now? I would love to know what my brother thinks about our childhood. He avoids opening up like the plague. I am wondering if your sister validates your belief that you were emotionally neglected.
If it’s any hope, walls come down faster than they go up.
It’s like a snowball, once you get rolling.
Start somewhere. You’ll love yourself for it.
Besides, you deserve it. You are your own best investment.
Believe.
@@rootofevil777 Thank you the positive words of support.
@@nancybartley4610 My family doesn't talk about anything beyond what we did on the weekend. But in the last few months my sister and I have been talking on the phone about this. I don't remember the first 10 years of my life, except for a small handful of memories, one of which is so traumatic it makes me wonder how bad the stuff I've repressed is. My sister has been filling me in on some of the things that happened to me during those years. But I still don't have any memory of the things she said happened.
@@DAVIDELLIOTTGod bless you ❤
9. being out of touch with our emotions
8. being extremely defensive
7. people pleasing
6. we are often unable to ask for help
5. shame even after the smallest mistake
4. we want to isolate all the time
3. we compulsively lie
2. difficulty making decisions
1. we seek out unavailable partners
I don't lie.
@@drivethruabortion280liar!!
(M) I seek out unavailable people/partners. just want some loving, to be hugged would be nice…sigh!!!😞 😞
untrue@@drivethruabortion280
@@genkosan6083I always seek out unavailable people, or at least always make sure we both want something entirely casual, the more space between us the better
I’m 43 with over a decade of psychiatric care. Dealing with things from my childhood has proven to be the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. I’ve spent years now being unbelievably angry at my father. He preferred working instead of being involved with raising his children. My mother was forced to do everything and I never realized how overwhelming that must have been. Earlier this year I realized that they both had a horrible childhood, and no matter how much therapy I complete…this cycle of abuse will end with me. I’m not having any children, and although that hurts I know that it’s the right thing to do. Thanks so much for this video. It’s a really weird feeling for me, to feel like I’m not alone and that everything that’s happened wasn’t just my imagination. And there’s many tears there, but ultimately I feel some kind of comfort.
You can overcome this. You can be a parent because you have the insight now to react differently. My parents were a very mixed bag, and I married an alcoholic, had 4 children, divorced after 18 years, and remarried now for 26 years. We walk among you, and the wounds do heal, and no one is perfect. You might fear not being able to be the perfect parent - there is no such thing. No one has zero trauma in their life, it's learning that it is inside of us to like ourselves, to be kind and learn to love others as themselves. This is not to ignore abuses, but to have a fulfilling life in spite of it
@@marywiggins7411Yes! This is triumphing, not refusing to have children because you were neglected or abused. I know three couples who chose not to have children for this reason. After many decades, they are now alone and talking about having no legacy to leave anyone. It’s a lot harder to be alone in old age.
@@cynthiafisher9907 Having children does not mean you will not be alone at old age. I know plenty.
@@8356-4 That’s true, but it’s much more likely.
Your line will die out with this decision
“Until your mother gets well, you can’t have any emotions.” She never got well.
😢
I taught myself never to react to anything as a child as any emotional response was ridiculed . Staying neutral meant i was not ridiculed .
Realizing I've been emotionally neglected as a child it's infuriating and saddening. I wish I knew when I was younger how to develop emotions other than sadness and anger. But I'm on my healing journey rn and I'm glad I'm working on identifying emotions and triggers
Yeah it can be helpful yet hurtful to learn about it :( I am so glad you are on your healing journey and working to better identify your emotions and triggers :) xoxox
After all the years of therapy, I don't think a therapist has ever suggested I was emotionally neglected. You have articulated this so well, that I know now without question, I was emotionally neglected. Thank you so much Kati, for your invaluable help.😊
@JezzaM77 Therapists have limitations like everyone else. I have lost count of how many I have seen and not one suggested CPTSD, emotional neglect, or that my childhood was stressful, etc. They only talk about depression which is like a generic, fallback position. It is a cope out. Many mental issues are comorbid with depression. CEN is relatively new to the scene and, even though Kati mentioned that it came up in her training, I would be willing to bet in was a quick mention and actually referred to as emotional abuse. IMHO, neglect and abuse are different in that abuse is blatant and emotional neglect is subtle and insidious. Adults who were told as kids that hey are stupid or that they never should have been born will begin to realize early (maybe in teens) that their parent is a problem. An adult that was not hugged, talked to, validated, taught life skills may not realize until much later in life that that was a serious problem. When you see a therapist, they have to spend large amounts of time on your childhood. After years of therapy, for the first time three years ago a therapist asked about my childhood! I was 71! It took another years for me to process and investigate on YT the significance that our childhoods play in how we react to life. It has been a miserable three years digging into memories and admitting that all the info for emotional neglect, among other toxic components, were clearly present in my childhood. I also had to admit that the treatment I received from my family in my adulthood was indicative of their indifference about me. It isn't easy to realize you were an obligation and a burden and not a deeply loved, enriching part of your parent's world. (Of course, neglect doesn't now have to be because you weren't not loved. Some parents raise their kids that way they were raised. Some have mental problems of their own. Some are working so hard to pay the bills that they are exhausted. Others just are ignorant about the emotional needs of a child. I hope that was true of your parent/s). In way, this is all to say, if you were beat or verbally abused, if you were fed, clothed and sent off to school, you may not realize you were neglected. I gave up on therapy. I am not saying you should. I don't know what I'm saying. I am angry that we can't find the help we deserve from the people who should know that CEN is very damaging and that the people suffering with it are the least likely to realize they experienced it.
So smart...@@nancybartley4610
Yeaaa not gonna lie, I feel youtube licensed folks are better "therapists" than maybe half in that they can easily describe with salient examples in an understandable way. Listening isn't therapy but these types of videos can give you the vocabulary to find a therapist that specializes in what you need, while also giving you the words to enhance your chats. This guy also is good: ruclips.net/video/KRyDkPkkYP8/видео.htmlsi=reLMbGqLgnwpM_dA
Lots of therapists need more education before they practice imo. One time when I was telling one about my “inner monologue” she tried telling me I probably had schizophrenia because people can’t hear their voice when they think. So…I’m not shocked a therapist didn’t bring this up to you, they might have not even known it was a thing.
My feelings of inadaquacy stem from childhood humiliation that continued into adulthood until my parents died. I resembled the wrong side of the family and the older I got, the more pronounced that resemblence became. Silly me thought the mental abuse would end when they died but it didn't. I'm married to a wonderful man, have three terrific kids and a career I love but all that means little when I look in the mirror and see the ugly person I've been conditioned to see.
My stepmom was like this with me. I wasn’t allowed to express my true feelings. But the ironic thing was this. If she asked me what was wrong, and I would tell her that nothing was wrong, and I’d try to convince her that nothing was wrong, she’d get mad at me because I wasn’t communicating what was truly wrong. It’s because I knew what would happen if I did tell her. But I’d still get shamed for not communicating what was wrong. Same thing with asking for help. I’d be shamed for asking for help one minute. Then the next, I’d be shamed for not asking for help. Because of this, I’ve bottled up my emotions, I pretty much self cope all the time, I expect myself to be happy 24/7 with no struggles in life. I shame myself and guilt myself for struggling. A lot of the time it’s because I’ve worked on my healing, and now that I’ve healed a lot of my trauma, I expect myself to never struggle again and to have life all figured out.
It's always "damned if ya do, damned if ya don't" with these monsters. The classic Cluster Bee double bind!
@@reesedaniel5835 so I’m not the only one in this world who went through that?
I am so sorry you went through this, but I am glad you've been working on your healing :) Just remember it's a process not perfection and you are slowly moving in the right direction :) xoxo
@@Katimorton thank you! I feel like my life is starting to come together. I’ve really pursued a lot of my dreams and passions throughout my healing process.
A bit ironic that part of the trauma is expecting to have life perfect and problem-free, and only with healing can we allow ourselves to have faults and challenges.
It took me almost a half century to realize and admit that the tone in my family was either neutral or negative, never positive. Once it finally dawned on me many years later I could see me as a kid growing up and why I struggled with some basic things. In the end it makes you understand the true life better instead of falling into the lies of the world. Spending more time by yourself and creating things, reading, writing, walks, being with animals is much more important than having beers with some chicks or dudes. It really is because you have to find that positive side of yourself and its there, but you have to help it become dominate and smile more and give more to others etc..
I love how the Video immidiately Starts with „sign number one“
I'm 36 and I'm afraid to tell anyone how I feel, cause I don't want to get in trouble. I try opening up to my dad, and all he does is yell at me and criticize me for it. I also don't act my age. I still feel like I am 16 years old. everyone else my age has careers, a family, a home...and I'm still stuck in my past.
Asheley, you need to give up on trying to make peace with your Dad. Been there, done that. He doesn’t care about your feelings/happiness, he’s coming from his own insecurities and anxieties. He’s always been happy to sacrifice you for his own ego. I walked away from dear old dad 40+ yrs ago and have never been sorry. Thru self examination you need to discover what makes you happy, get meaningful (to you) work and surround yourself with good people of your choosing. Life is about doing good work (for others AND yourself), giving AND receiving love, not about seeking acceptance from people who clearly do not care about you. Good luck!!
Trying to be open and vulnerable in the environment that is not safe and gives you bad experiences will probably teach you to close even more. Your dad doesn't seem like a good person to open up to, at least not right now. So, if you want to learn, try to find someone you feel safe around (someone who sees you, lets you express and be yourself, is compassionate etc), like a friend or a therapist.
My dad has dementia and I'm happy about that. My mother has her mind but is in a wheelchair. I don't wish them any harm but I'm 63 and as I told my brother last year I'm trying to be happy. I have what I want in life and I didn't deserve the way my parents treated me or how they let a relative abuse me. I'm striving for peace which means cutting out people who don't deserve me.
@@tamsintarshish3905 You're right. I am learning to ask if someone needs advice for that exact reason, but I still forget. Thank you foe pointing that out and reminding me ☺️
@ashleymarks3726 Sorry for giving you advice that you didn't ask for. Wanted to help you and share what I learned, but maybe you just needed to vent, as the other person said. And I should've asked.
Also, I understand how you feel and send you hugs 🤗
OMG... Talking directly to me. Saved so I can hear this over and over. Trying to care for elderly Mom and her comments are hurtful. People pleasing and unable to ask for help.
I got one!.. I get uncomfortable when people give me gifts, and or compliments. Also surprises make me angry (someone bringing me to a birthday celebration I wasn’t aware of) I have always been told “just say thank you” or “stop being silly” which frustrates me further. Which drives me into a spiral downward in my behaviour
Sad
Same here! I also don't like to be the center of attention.
Hey....you are the best person....the world has lost it's mind. LOL
@@ets5697 described me perfectly… I ghost though…I don’t put on a show anymore…. I just get a text or call “where did you go?” Home!!
This one got through my Armour. Third of four boys in an alcoholic home, I became the Invisible Child. Neglect was a given. Mishandling of emotions led to continuous shame. As an adult, I was often frozen except for epic outbursts and shutdowns. The points on being alone are on point. Thank you. This short video has enormous explanatory and therapeutic potential.
Yessss, I am #3 of 4 also, and was totally invisible. I still feel that way now. I truly believe that if I go somewhere, no one will see me and it surprises me every time when I find out otherwise. My coping skill was to focus very hard on school and get my positive attention through that, with praise and attention from my teachers.
The question "What are you doing?", but in a simple curious way, showing interest, makes me feel like I have to be doing something important or productive to tell them otherwise I think they'll think I'm lazy.
Since my dads passing in 2018, I'm coming to terms with how much both of my parents emotionally neglected us kids. My dad was very explosive, we didn't talk things out, he would buy presents as a way to get back in. I didnt understand it until I grew up. He was very moody and would not talk to anyone for weeks, even when we'd pass each other in the house. I remember giving him a birthday card one year and he just tossed it on the desk and ignored me, didn't even respond. It was little things like this that messed with me. My mom was and still is a people pleaser, since my dads emotional ups and downs made her dissociate from life. (He has said some awful things and it was def abusive in that sense) She spent a lot of time working, and admitted they did shift work to not see each other, but that left me, the only young kid, alone and to be resented by my older brother who was stuck watching me. I've always felt like I was born into the wrong place, my brothers are 10+ yrs older than me so there was no connection on similar interests and I was always in the way. So many things about how I grew up, explain soo much about who and how I am today. It's just trying to get control over my own emotional state that has proven difficult. Love your videos ❤
I wonder if your father suffers from PTDS .? Was he in the military ?
I had similar experience. It’s torture.
My father was abusive with a horrendous temper, my mom was a narc who ignored me, and my older sisters always treated me like i was in the way, never wanted. meanwhile i had to sit and watch my cousin who was the same age as me be worshipped by her dad, and her brothers. her life turned out really good. mine did not.
your dad seems mentally ill. I'm not excusing him, but it proves many people shouldn't have children, simply because they are not fit parents.
Yikes. I know that I have problems, but I did not realize until seeing this how my problems related to emotional neglect as a child. The "you're not good enough" voice in my head came from my childhood and I'm realizing just how powerful that voice is after watching this video.
I completely felt sign 8 -- being completely defensive. My boss will come in and ask me "what are you doing?" Every time I hear it as my parents said it to me which always meant that I was in trouble. Punishment always followed that question so I often get defensive when my boss asks. Thankfully, I have a boss that understands as she has an adopted child that comes from an abusive background.
Yup, same here. Literally. My boss will tell me to stop being so defensive. I honestly can't help it, especially when I do everything in my power to never make mistakes (when I do, I get really angry with myself...I have to be perfect or else). Yeah, thanks a lot, dad. 😒
sorry, but asking someone what they are doing is actually rude. there are more polite ways of putting it. like a boss might instead ask you "hi, are you free right now to do something for me?"
I'm 74 and it's only in recent years that I realise that I suffered emotional neglect It has had a terrible impact on my life so that now I suffer from anxiety and depression and loneliness. I never suffered physical neglect but I now realise that I have missed so very much because I have been unable to manage and understand emotions. I thank you for sharing this; at least I can now understand why I am like I am.
As a fellow mental- health- professional, i want to tell you how important i think This video is. Clear and concise communication about something incredibly important. Thank you.
Couldn't agree more!
I always knew that my childhood had been rough. But in my most recent therapy appointment the other day, as I explained my childhood more in depth, my therapist paused me and told me that my mother was abusive, and that what I'd experienced was child neglect. I hadn't ever fully realized this, so that's been sinking in a lot about what problems I have today. Thank you for this video!
The truth is that while having that validation and a label to understand the situation, it still doesn't really change much. A lot of us may have anger and a defiant attitude that we may even employ against ourselves. Rather than being bitter about the past, I feel it's important to open one's heart even more towards that parent--if only in one's mind. Hurt people hurt people.
the hardest part of all of this for me is validating the neglect i experienced. none of it was ever acknowledged even a little bit, and my parents have changed a lot, so the only proof i have of the abuse i experienced is in my head and my own memories. thats why focusing on how it affects me now, like you said, is sooo much more helpful than trying to understand what happened from hazzy and unreliable memories
It does hurt to hear the truth so bluntly, but that is nothing compared to the validation and honesty that you bring to us ❤ thank you 🙂
I remember that I wasnt allowed to cry my entire childhood. I wasn’t allowed to be sick or feel sick.
I can remember that I was extremely upset as a child once and my mother lay next to me in bed, not to comfort me but to control that I am not crying.
i'm 62 closer to 63. You are speaking about my whole life even now.
This is the most relatable 'nutshell unpacking" of this issue that I've ever heard. Thank you. At 55, it feels like I've been engaged forever in the practice of understanding myself and re-shaping my conditioned behaviours. It's a forever project. It hurts. But each time something shifts, and I'm able to release a little more shame, I know it's worth it.
I'm 74 and still working at it but, yes, it is worth it!
I was definitely emotionally neglected but I feel like a lot of the symptoms I have are due to my ADHD (inattentive) growing up and today. I was not given the coping mechanisms I needed and was dismissed. But this makes me feel less alone.
Yes, I have dyslexia/adhd that I found out when I diagnosed my kid with it. I was made to feel stupid and useless. Turns out my IQ is 136 and no one understood me. THEY were the stupid ones, but I’m all messed up because of it. I was also really tall, so I was expected to act my size, not my age.
@@thesjkexperience That's no way to treat somebody and I'm sorry you had to go through that. 🤍 Thanks for the comment!
I felt pretty good seeing that I’d worked through a number of the signs and they’re not an issue for my anymore. Then again the signs I haven’t worked through are doozies. One interesting one is not wanting to ask for help. I have mobility issues and need a walker to get around. I’m stunned at how many people jump in offering to help when they see me struggling. One young boy ran up my steps and asked if he could help when he saw me struggling to get a package into the house. And two teenagers who I did ask to carry a package to my door for me stood and wouldn’t resume their walk until they saw me safely go into my apartment. Acts like that are both humbling and heartwarming.
I just watched 10 minutes of you describing me and yet I still cannot trust my own judgment to truly make up my mind on whether my parents actually emotionally neglected me or not!!!!
I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure
I believe that not only do most who were emotionally neglected, did not know that it was happening at the time but also that those who were doing it had no idea they were doing it. Especially when adverse psychologies like ADHD or Autism are involved. Or most any kind of personality disorder. It just creates blinders. The really sad part in cases like that is the level of resentment and/pr denial that surfaces if as part of attempt to heal, open dialog is attempted. I've seen it more or less completely estrange a friend from her parents and I wouldn't even bother trying discuss my own with mine.
I grew up believing that i was the brat of the family, the runt, the black sheep. not worth anyone's time. a nuisance. and even though, years on, while i realise what was really going on with my family, the damage was done. i will never feel as though i am wanted or worth anyone's time
I was in my late 20’s before I finally realized I had major issues. I kept finding myself in abusive relationships, and good grief! This list!! I mean, I finally learned I was emotionally neglected, but this is all so spot on. Grateful I was able to figure it all out (still working on it but…) because my greatest desire was to get married and have children. On the top of my list is being there for my kids. Emotionally and otherwise.
This is so incredibly embarrasing for me to talk about at all, hardly anybody in my life knows about it and my family never ever talks about it, but this specific comments section feels like an apt place to air this childhood experience/trauma of time for the first time ever.
When I was a kid, I had massive anxiety issues and I think this caused a nervous bladder for years, but in all honesty I'm not entirely sure if this was the cause... I'm 29 now and I've only recently started to realise that my parents treatment of this issue was pretty horrible. Until I was like, literally 10, I just couldnt control my bladder at times and I felt such intense shame about it, I cried over it daily, I felt like a pathetic failure of a person. My mother would get so angry if I had an accident at school, call me lazy, call me ridicolous for not being able to accomplish this basic thing and occasionally I would tell her that I try so hard to avoid it, but I suddenly need to go intensely and I hardly ever have the time, it's like I didn't need to go at all and suddenly I needed to go desperately, I think I must have had an actual medical issue. I would lie about playing with friends after school so I could spend hours in the bathroom trying to dry myself with the hand dryer to hide it, and when I wet the bed I'd lie in it all night because that was better than telling my mum and feeling the shame and the guilt... I'd imagine that I was wet because I was at a pool party or a waterpark to calm myself and fall asleep again. I had a diary marking the days that I didn't have an accident, and every time I broke this streak I'd cry, hit myself on the head repetitively, yell at myself for being so pathetic. As a family this was never really addressed after a certain point, in all the years since we never discussed it. When I finally lived independently I went to a doctor myself and learnt excercises to strengthen my pelvic floor and things improve.
I can't understand why my mum never took me to the doctor and ridiculed me for something that I repeatedly told her wasn't controllable by me, it wasn't my fault but it made me feel like a bad kid... I had myriad other issues, I was too anxious to read out-loud and everyone assumed that I was super behind in heading (but I could read in my own head), once I got into high school this was dispoven by my english essay scores. My dad was a nightly alcoholic and he was very emotionally abusive towards me and I know that all of this made me incredibly anxious and probably caused me to score 9/9 here, but the bladder issue thing... in other ways my mum was quite attentive, on the face of it she was a caring mother, and I blamed myself for this shameful secret for years and years.
I don't know if or how I should ever address it with her... my motivation to leave this comment is, essentially, I crave hearing anyone's take on this because I've mulled it over alone for years... she should have taken me to the doctor, right? lol
I'm so sorry to read that you suffered this problem without support for many years and that you experienced such painful feelings of shame about it. I am a medical professional and it sounds like you may well have been suffering with overactive/irritable bladder and yes, it would have been the right thing for you to have been taken to a doctor. Many people struggle to speak about issues related to bladder and/or bowels so you have been very courageous to seek medical help and to share your story here. I can only imagine the profound impact that this must have had on your sense of confidence and self worth when you felt responsible for a problem which was in no way your fault. I am so sorry that you were humiliated when you sought help from your mum. I really hope you find both emotional and physical healing from what you have suffered. Please know that this problem (or any other) does not define who you are - you have immense worth and I hope you can now enjoy exploring the richness of life and the rich depths of the unique person you are.
Possibly your mother thought the bladder issue was a response to living in a stressful home environment. And then blamed herself. Worried that she might be 'a bad mother'. And the only way she could suppress the bad emotion about herself, was to pretend the whole thing wasn't happening or was your (voluntary) fault.
I have read your comment and it resounds with me. I grew up in a family where I was blamed for many things that were not my fault - I was a very anxious boy and being the youngest, I seemed to be trodden on by everyone. I had such anxiety / depression I used to wet the bed regularly up until the age of ten or so 😐 and here I am at nearly 50 years old, still dealing with the years of misery that was my childhood, like so many of us here. In many ways we are all family - those of us who have lived through these miserable and lonely times.
I feel horribly for you. Your mother was awful and abusive to you. I hope you gain peace in your life because you didn’t deserve to be treated that way. 😢
This broke my heart. I'm sure everyone's parents did the best they could at the time with the tools they were given, but yes you should've been taken to be checked out...I'm so sorry 😭
My family used to be abusive and always neglected on how I was. I used to try telling them about my insomnia, anger issues and they never cared and I was hit till I stopped with my anger or crying which slowly turned me into an alcoholic at a very young age and they dint dealt with that well either. Now they are older and they are trying to get close with gifts and helps which I feel very weird and irritated, and everytime I tried to confront them, they are back in action like in old times, but more with emotional tortures and everything ends up me not thankful for the life they gave me and frequent reminders on their age and illness and I should consider it while talking, sometimes I really think I am the problem and have gone crazy with ideas to end it forever. I can't even be around them or anyone anymore. I don't talk to people, I just stay inside my room. I am a 29 yr old guy and I still don't know why I cry some days. Just sharing, here things are way past repair.
Edit: I am 30 and I am losing guys, don't how long I will be able to keep this up. Thank you for being kind.
No, not past repair. Watching videos like this can help you understand why you are the way you are, that much of it is not your fault. Once you understand why you react to things the way you do, you can work at accepting and then changing your reactions to give yourself some peace.
Many people would tell you to get away from your parents, but sometimes that isn't possible because of economic reasons and because of expectations that you take care of your relatives. Having to stay in the same bad relationship makes it harder to change. I'm empathetic but I don't have a good answer, sorry.
No, no not beyond repair. You are who you are and I would guarantee you know someone who was also emotionally deprived as a child. Talk about it to yourself , out loud so you can hear what you are saying . Go through all the emotions , they are to be expected and normal. And people will understand . Imagine you are talking to me. I would be listening and by the time we had finished we would be laughing. It still hurts but not always so take heart.
These videos can easily put thoughts into young adults minds when they themselves can’t determine what’s wrong.
I'm 62 and most of life is gone and I wasted it doing all these things.. I chased love that was unavailable and mean.. because i grew up being a bother, a "don't speak unless you are spoken to", and "if you can't contribute anything interesting to the conversation then be quiet". ... and my favorite.. "I wish you would have never been born". .. My Mom loved me but i was an unexpected late age pregnancy and i really wasn't wanted but i was loved.. just not a lot.
I have done many, many years of talk therapy, my childhood has been characterized as extreme emotional neglect and I've been diagnosed with a Schizoid Personality Disorder. This video is a spot on summary of what I've learned about myself. All except #3, the lying. Thanks, it is like a refresher course of my work.
"Just get over it" is the story of my life. It's not so much being unable to make decisions as it's making the worst possible decision. My childhood "safe place" was, quite literally, in the doghouse. And that's all I will say.
Wish I had understood this 40 years ago. Too late now to find happiness.
No, it's not too late. You can heal. I KNOW. And there is time enough to make it worth the work you need to do. Don't give up on life.
Very well done presentation.. informative but concise as well... I am a therapist on a Behavioral Health Unit ( BHU ) . This is the new name for a Psychiatric unit. I can say that well over 80% of the people there have been emotionally and /or physically or sexually abused in childhood.. I have codependency as well and have been starting to share this concept with pts in groups and the response has been very positive... The mere fact of learning about it, allows people to not feel alone in their suffering... also to see that they are not defective, but have had emotional injury in childhood... 12 Step groups for codependency are very helpful as well.... I am 71 and am still recovering from this... I want to share hope.. I will be sharing your video as well... many thanks for your work !!!!!
As a first responder now retired with 30 plus years of service i had a meltdown when my dog died. All of the terrible things I saw . I spoke with a counselor for all of 4 hrs. I asked her did i take that job to avoid dealing with my life? I worked Christmas many years to avoid my family as my parents had divorced when i was 12. My Mom didn't come to my high school graduation because my dad was going, I didn't go to my university graduation because I didn't see the point. Wheni graduated from my first responder training i never told either parent when it was. I never spoke with either parent about what i saw and did. At 60 i told my brother of the horrors.
All of these are me, big time. And, as an anxious people pleaser, it's mentioned about worrying about making the wrong decision and upsetting someone else. That's the whole reason I opted to avoid becoming a lawyer, even though I would have otherwise been pretty good at it. The thought of having someone else's life or future in my hands......no way. I can't handle that. The messed up thing, is with all of this, I don't have any friends anymore. The only person I have to talk to anymore is my Mom, the main one who neglected me and, to this day, doesn't want to hear about feelings. I've tried a few times and each time, she flat out interrupts me, holds her hand up and says "I'm not talking about this right now", and walks away. When I was a kid, she'd just send me to my room, and if I was angry and acting out, she'd yell at me. I was never even allowed to laugh out loud at something if they weren't laughing too. I had to keep everything buried. Everything. Living by myself has really shown me just what I had to keep buried. Later she told me I had anger issues and never learned how to deal with my anger. I keep wanting to tell her it's her fault that she never taught me. How do you learn to deal with your feelings when no one wants to deal with you? She even told me about a time before I can remember when I was throwing a fit in a store. She put me on the floor, told me "no one wants to deal with you when you're like this", then walked away, out of view, leaving me (maybe 2 or 3 years old) alone in a big store. I'm amazed she shared this with me. She was proud of her parenting technique, because it worked. I stopped crying and went in search of her and didn't throw fits in stores anymore. Gee, I wonder why? She essentially abandoned me. And people wonder why I don't trust anyone (of course there are tons more examples and reasons than just this, but this shows it started before I even remember.
@@carollynt What? A mother should never leave her little kid on the floor in a store and walk away, out of sight, just because the kid is crying, making the kid feel abandoned. In this case, I was the kid. I still have abandonment issues and now I know why since hearing what she did to me. It doesn't matter why the kid is crying, you don't do that to them.
Emotional neglect is often completely unintentional. As someone w bpd, it helps me to keep from splitting on and hating my parents when I recognize this. They do love me deeply and at the same time my emotional needs were a bit different and might not have been met. More neutral sentences like this help me a lot to not just feel rage at my parents and feel EXTREMELY depressed and angry and like everything is awful. So yeah.
It's not COMPLETELY unintentional. They aren't trying to hurt you, but they aren't really going out of their way to help either.
I heard all my childhood--I'll really give you something to cry about. I was so fearful of making a mistake. As a parent, I promised myself that I would be the parent I never got. I tried hard to be there, listen, encourage and teach my children. Unfortunately, #1 hit hard. Finding someone emotionally unavailable. Boy, that hit hard. He kept me guessing at what I had done to upset him and punished me for even singing to the radio and being happy. The first time I heard the word narcissist was from my physician warning me to get out because she could see the signs. The damage had been done to me and our children. It finally hit me after my next relationship with a man who is emotionally distant. I felt like I was born to be abused. This video helped me clarify some issues that had me blindsided that I can now address. Thank you so much.
Do you ever notice how people automatically apologize when they cry in front of others. Why is that? I remember when I was a child , I was embarrassed of showing emotions like crying in front of people. I think this was because growing up in the 70’s, I was told by my dad “stop crying or I’ll give you something to make you cry for” no hugs, just a threat of being beat for crying . Classic! This taught me I should feel ashamed of my feeling, and it is best if you don’t show them in front of others or else!
Well spoken and relatable. Lots of gaps in the memory of my younger childhood. I remember a couple times being injured, like at 2 years old hitting my head and getting stitches. My dad worked and while at home my mom took 222's, I remember her saying it a lot, "I need some 222's" I asked what it was and she said, "my nerve medication" or "nerve pills". My dad told me later that he found me in my crib crying and I do have a memory of standing in my crib screaming with a dirty diaper and I was told later that I wore a diaper for a long time and that I was "hard to toilet train". What I gather from that now is that it was too much trouble and time for her to spend with me. She was the daughter of a manic depressive, alcoholic and her mother was, in my uncles words "a hater of men". People can not help that their dysfunctions resonate on future generations....but it is a fact. Generational trauma is hard to make go away...takes a few generations at the least.
This is all very validating. I never used to think of myself as someone who experienced emotional neglect, since I was certainly the target of many negative emotions, like rage and sadness and the expectation to cater to those emotions. Now I'm realizing that of course that's emotional neglect, since it's a neglect of the emotional well being of the child.
Wow, I’ve never had myself described so accurately by anyone. I thought that my situation was completely unique so I have become completely alone by my own choosing and although sort of comfortable I know I’m missing so much. I have alienated everyone in my life so these comments seem to hit home for me. Now at a later stage in my life, I still don’t know how to become who I really am, it’s just ‘easier’ to stay ‘hidden’ although it is truly lonely.
I feel the same
I have been listening to Running on Empty and it's changed my perspective quite a bit. It is amazing how learning what I didn't know has helped me understand myself and my tendencies.
Igrew up knowing that I could only be happy if everyone else was happy, but especially if my father was happy.
This was like a punch in the Stomach! My parents did their best, Father an orphan who lost his parents in WW1 and my Mum eldest of 13 siblings. I'm born youngest of 3 but 18 and 13 years behind my siblings. Parents did not know how to show feelings and I learnt not to ask for them. I learned strong ethics in everything to be successful, work hard, be honest, do no bad. But, never wanted friends, never learnt empathy or the need for companionship. I'm lucky I'm married to a wonderful women who has a great extended family who let be part of it when I can and understand when it is too much. So much of this content resonated.
I have had to isolate myself from my family. They don't believe that I was abused. I was neglected severely. To the point where my mother...years after I became an adult said, "I don't know you..." Cause I never felt safe to tell anyone anything. I was a shadow on the wall in my own home. It's hard being gaslight about it all. I want to shake people, show them the truth, but they won't listen, cause it's too painful to admit that my truth is real. I have to be okay with the fact that they will never come around, and I will never be with them anymore. I have to make a new family.
This is what happened in our family I'm 61 years old and I'm still paying for it
one of the worst things is when ppl tell you “but that’s your mom/dad” “it’s your parents first time living too” “but that’s your family how can u just not talk to them” their are just people on this earth who absolutely and cannot comprehend the fact that not all parents are good parents. but ofc those who are privileged never see it from another pov
Katie, your use of "we" as you talk about various issues is very validating and destigmatizing. Really appreciate your videos.
I don't remember hardly anything from my childhood. But I do remember early on coming to my parents stressed out and crying about something only to be told repeatedly that "You're a kid! You don't have a job! You don't have ANYTHING to be stressed out about! Wait until you're a grown-up, then you'll know what stress is." I quickly learned that my problems didn't matter and I didn't matter.
I'm blown away because this is sooo me! As always, I appreciate you so much. You are an important part of my healing journey! 💜
I’m still trying to come to terms with the fact that I was emotionally neglected as a child. Almost all of these match me to a T. Even calling it abuse feels too harsh. But it’s true. Thank you for the informative video.
I’ve recently started to realize how my parents’ divorce may have led to emotional neglect. I was in two different houses for half the time, and as a result missed a lot so I just went along with things and made myself small for the sake of everyone else. I know it’s neither of their faults, but it’s frustrating feeling like you couldn’t open up when things felt rough.
I am so sorry you had to go through that.. and thank you for mentioning such an important piece too... that divorce can lead to emotional neglect as well. I hope you are able to find help now so that you can finally feel safe to open up and be heard :) xoxo
Thank you Katie. I’ve started working through my feelings not too long ago and learning that I matter and I’m allowed to take up space without being guilty about it. Thank you for this channel.
Good stuff!
At 79 years old I am happy to report I am mostly cured! Mostly, I say. 🙂
This entire video explains a lot about my own issues. I’m 26 and only learned this a year ago.