My mom and dad literally just gave me food and shelter, that’s it. No conversations, no support, nothing. Only time they talked was when I would do something wrong.
Edgar, I had to check that I hadn't typed this comment out myself! I'm sorry you experienced that. I know I'm my case, it was because there was a lot of neglect of my own mother by my grandmother, who had lost her own mother as an infant. It made me wonder why my mother ever had children if she didn't intend to interact with them. Both of my parents were and are super generous and kind-hearted, just not emotionally present at all. Thankfully, my husband and I have made a family together where we all know each other, we apologize, we cultivate humans (adult and children) as a team. We live by the idea that family is the safe laboratory where you develop yourself, so you can go out to the less forgiving world and interact in a healthy way.
My partner and I both experienced emotionally removed parenting he ended the relationship and this worked best for him he was treated as scapegoat and black sheep. I did not cut ties but distanced myself to a degree to survive I was the non existent child never noticed like I did not exist as if they were ashamed of me somehow. Then in old age when their lives started to unravel they needed their children . Two of us tried the best we could to help and as I witnessed their physical / mental degeneration and decline I began to feel empathy. Saw that our parents struggled to give and receive love but as they weakened they let a little in and gave a little more it was pitiful and sad to experience. My anger towards them has largely dissipated as I came to learn this was generational dysfunction . They struggled to give what they had not received themselves. I’m trying to move on from this and be a better parent I know I have the demons but knowing this helps me to fight them. I’m largely winning now. I hope my parents find peace with their creator 🥰
My narcissistic verbally abusive mother starved me emotionally to the point where I would cling to anyone giving me the slightest affection, ignoring the all the other red flags and ending up in bad relationships
@@okaycola2 I know what you are going through. And since most people have relatively 'normal' set of parents it is not easy for them to sense all the caustic verbal and emotional games. No one understands. Nobody. I had my 1st nervous breakdown when I was in my early teens. Years later I tried therapy but that didn't help much. I tried PLR - past life regression a few years back to understand 'why me'. If you are not in therapy then may I suggest you please get a book that speaks to you and take the path of self help. I ordered the book (the emotionally absent mother) and a couple of other books (the emotionally abused woman by Beverly Engel and another one on PTSD, Complex PTSD by Pete Walker) Bless the authors for understanding and writing about situations like ours. The patterns have been explained by way of examples...examples of patients treated. And that makes me so sad to know that there are so many of us. It is heartbreaking. No one should have to go through what we have gone through, are going through. No one deserves to go through such constant trauma.
I grew up with a mother who never hugs or kiss let alone emotionally available. I thought that is perfectly normal until I met my mother in law who showered me with hugs and kisses.
Same in my case except the mother in-law.shes also very cordial.O am 34 years now.I still have to deal with my mother's rage n tantrums.she often makes me feel guilty.now I am tired.
I can relate to this. Having an emotionally absent mother was very damaging for me. I would fantasize about having a loving and caring mother and I still do.
Sally I remember when I was 12-15 I was fantasizing that my real mom has died and I had a name for her and I was talking to her. When I was 9 I told my friends that I’ve been adopted :(
Sally I think it caused me to have many erotic fantasies and be sexually attracted to mostly older women. Especially because she wasn’t there for me when I was being sexually abused, she favored my bros and we *never* had a real conversation about anything. Now I’m a lesbian... can’t complain though, my happiest memories are with women Ive love/loved
I was always envious of my friends that had wonderful parents who you could tell loved them. But I’ve never had that and I’ve come to accept that it will likely never happen
Told my mother I felt invalidated by her and all she said was 'ok...' and then mocked me for feeling that way. She only ever wants to talk about what I'm doing - not what I'm feeling. EDIT: I never expected anyone to really see or read my comment. I'm sorry this resonated with so many of you. Take care everyone 💛
My mother was bipolar I spent most of my life while she was in it walking on eggshells fearing she will tell or scream or scold me because I did something as small as squeaking a chair for half a second.
Same, too. I‘m 32 and just cut contact to her. About six months ago, brother told me she said about this:“Mothers Are Saints! You only have one mother blabla“. True, but to be a mother, it takes more than give life.
Well, if they're both emotionally absent, you'll end up with your mother after the divorce. Then you're forced to ride her rollercoaster of hell of constant divorce, moving, divorce, moving. you'll live 1000 miles away from your hometown and away from any family. You don't know anything because you moved twice during each grade. You don't even bother making friends because you know that you won't be there long. Eventually, one day, you wake up, you're in 30s, and somehow, she's your best friend.
I saw the title and I had to watch. This is my life in a nutshell. 52 year old man who is still suffering from never and I mean never hearing his mother say I love you. She treated all four of her kids as impositions on her time and now none of us talk to each other or relate to each other at all. It's a screwed-up situation that I actually tried to mend but the wounds are too deep. Lesson learned don't have kids unless you are prepared to love them. By the way I have a son and I love him to death and let him know every day. You can break the cycle
Children grown without emotional attention swing along emotional borders swinging between hope and despair in finding "the one" or "the thing" as a savior to compensate for the missing element which might be a lifelong pursuit in different ways like developing addictions and perfection. When he turns back he realizes the truth seeing a life wasted. Good luck to all of us.
It took me many years to even understand that my mother was never there for me emotionally. I believe that this was passed down through the generations in my family.
I so can relate to this... I`m exactly and this point on my final 30's after years of ford and back's, wondering if I was being to taugh with my mother thinking that about her. She is not the mother of three girls, she is the mother of one man, her husband...
Sadly it’s like a baton getting passed down from parent to child. My mom was the apple of her father’s eye but he died of an aneurysm when she was 15. Her mother was cold towards anyone that wasn’t helping her. My dad was the youngest who at 12 had to take care of all the farm duties, including driving and fixing the pickup truck when his older brothers went off to war. As kids we can’t grasp why they didn’t show up for us. Rationalizing it years later helps. But it can’t undo the damage we’ve done to ourselves by pushing ppl away. I’m continually trying to find ways to reset my limbic system just so I can feel safe or okay. It’s a lot of work but it beats the alternative. This isn’t what my mother meant by “getting (my) life together” but it’s the best I can manage.
My mom would tell me stuff like “ you can tell me anything, I’ll love you no matter what” but when I tried she would snuff me out. So eventually I stopped trying .
Same. She’d always claim that she was there to comfort me but whenever I tried to talk to her about things that upset me, she just invalidated my feelings and made me feel like a bad and/or weak-minded person for even experiencing anxiety or anger.
This is awful... I relate so much. I was mid nervous- breakdown and my mum began criticising me for not getting help sooner. I told her to leave my room and I knew that was the exact reason I would never open up emotionally to her again.
Same. It was so confusing because she *looked* emotionally available and interested. She didn't yell or abuse, she just shut it down over and over and over.
As a child i physically couldn’t keep my emotions in, I would cry all the time and it was dismissed as depression, all I needed was to feel heard and valued and supported emotionally
Me too. When I was very small, I reacted to the abuse with sobbing and crying, and my mother would make fun of how sensitive I was. Then, as a teenager and young adult, tired of being mistreated I reacted yelling and throwing things; by then, I was nothing but a sick woman. Had they got some power or enough money, they would have locked me in an assylum.
I was like this. My mom would call me mentally ill and she says “I’ve always had depression”. My hopelessness stemmed from her abuse, and now I struggle to form any friendships or relationships because I’m extremely dismissive; dismissive to the point I would block someone for no reason, but the fact I feel like doing so. My mother ruined my life and I have no interest in maintaining a connection with her once I move out.
My mum had zero motherly/'caring' instincts towards us, but played the motherly card when her friends were around. I've been estranged from my parents for years now.
That's such a hard pill to swallow right? The show they put on to get validation from the outside world for being what appears to be the perfect parent is so messed up and Oscar worthy!
My mom managed to interpret any emotion or action as a personal attack against her, and she also got enraged when we left the room, and she got furious when we just shut down emotionally and didn't express anything. She has no idea why I never call her.
Just go watch little children for a while. They are so innocent and love us unconditionally. They can make us respond positively and they don’t find fault. In my life they helped me to feel like a child wanting to play with them. It releases us from that trauma instead of adding to it or perpetuating it. That’s what your own children can do, too. I thot as you do at one time and I even disliked children. . But I eventually married and had a son. He is a true gift to me and is my joy . But I didn’t know that until After I had him. Now he has a daughter, my first grandchild. It is more joy- really.
You will not be like her. You know what she did, you can break the chain of upset by being you, and not her :) I have a boy of my own and make sure I will never be like my mum. Damaged me so much and she doesn't admit it or care.
I never had a caring mother. Me and my sister now understand why we don't feel so much empathy for others. Both of our parents are emotionally... weird. I cry a lot because I see my friends having such great moms and then I get really sad... thank you for the video!
I know what you mean. When I started having friends as a teen and young adult I was astounded at how "normal" mothers showed so much interest and had affection for their children.
Me too, my mom was raised this way too. I'm 29 and this week I finally fully accepted that my mom is emotionally detached and how it messed up her 2 kids (well 3 but her youngest is her favorite, shows love to and does anything for her son). Once in my life she told me she loves me, ONCE. Bday cards don't count when my dad says it every time he talks to me. I hope those of us who were emotionally neglected, will find healing.
The worst is when she seems very sensitive and caring but she is not able to be present to be with her child emotionally. It makes one feel like going crazy. I wonder if anyone else had this experience :(
Yes!! I feel like I'm making a huge mistake. And that she actually IS capable if only I could sing the right tune. When her wounds are not triggered she seems beyond capable of relating. But her wounds have a hairtrigger and anything that involves introspection in the context of accountability will close up the hatch immediately. I feel like she has it in her. She could heal, WITH THE PROPER HELP. But she "can't" because she lost faith, or never even believed she could in the first place. That's what makes it so, so sad. We're asked to throw away a relationship with a beautiful diamond within it.
I can’t tell you how hard watching this video is. I have cried my self to sleep so many night bc i don’t feel this comfort.See friends who have these great mother daughter relationship it’s the one thing I wish I could have
My mum always makes everything about herself if I ever open up about anything. Last time I opened up I told her I feel so alone and she said “imagine how I feel”. Always I was “overreacting”.
Sounds so much like my Mother. She literally said “imagine how I feel” every single time I told her about something in my life. Everything that ever happened always turned out to be about her and her feelings. And if I ever tried to talk to her about something that happened when I was little she got upset and sarcastically apologized for what a horrible life I had endured.
my mother is so wrapped up in herself that she isn't able to emotionally support anyone around her, including her children. now, as an adult, it's been really difficult to identify my emotions and form close relationships, but i'm slowly getting better at it
Throughout my childhood, my mother told me that I was a cold child that resisted her cuddles. I now know that I probably resisted her cuddles because I sensed something fake in her which repelled me. Now that I’ve reached the age of 50, I’ve realised that I’m not cold at all. I’m an extremely loving, affectionate parent and a good friend to many people that I’m close to. It was HER that was cold, not me.
Yes, never thought of this. My attitude towards her is totally different compared to everybody else. I had to put up a front all my life to survive at my own home. This is disgusting. Why the heck is she so judgemental, not like she's even normal let alone perfect
I’m 50 years old - my mom was never emotionally available or affectionate. She still doesn’t hug me. It’s so bizarre. I’m sure she learned it from her mom. I’m just glad I recognize it and haven’t repeated the awful abandonment & neglect.
Sounds like my mom, thank God my son knows what a hug and affection is from me. He also is very respectful has a beautiful lady he married. Thanks for sharing
My Mother was never available to me, I don't remember ever being told I was loved or valued. I tried so hard not to be like that with my daughter, I always told her I loved her, was always there when she wanted something. Now she tells me I was useless, that she doesn't have time (I realise now, she meant for me) we don't speak and my Grandchildren never call.
What if your mom said these “loving” things but you could feel she didn’t mean it or had a motive behind saying it. I remember being hugged by my mom but it made my skin crawl when she did. I just felt gross hearing these things from her, as if she was a wolf in sheeps clothing
Whitney Miller My mom would tell me she loved me during bad fights knowing that I wouldn’t say it back just to give her another reason to scream at me during the fight. I would also feel weird when she hugged me. She only hugged me as a child when I would go on trips or vacations (band camp, visiting a relative), and it made my skin crawl, too. I know exactly what you mean.
I really can't publicly say what I want. Just as a mom who had extensive childhood trauma. People in my family are actually still doing it. Now I worry that I passed on my emotional trauma to my children.
My case is a bit confusing ,my mom was mostly emotionally unavailable but sometimes talked very lovingly and caring making me feel like I'm imagining everything else and she is alright but then she turns and it's literally a never ending cycle .
Same. Lots of emotional unavailability, then showing me off, love bombing, then being ignored for days for some crappy little digression. Inconsistency. Ongoing victim/martyrdom from her
Totally relate. I reflect back and remember when my mother was attentive to me and my interests but those moments were so rare but they did stick with me. It’s actually quite sad. 😢
I have same issue. However, with a lot of inner work, and knowing what to focus on, maybe people can get better, and have a second chance at growing up... if you can identify the frozen blocked areas of your being that happened from past trauma, maybe you can make a recovery by taking actions towards remedying the situation for yourself now??? This is the point I am comming to now...because therapy itself sometimes just doesn't quite do it...
I can count on 1 hand the number of times my mom hugged me as a kid. I’m 28 years old and truly think I’m struggling more with that today than I ever did in my childhood. Having 4 children myself, I just don’t understand. My children are my world.
I think the lunch lady hugged me more often than my mom did. Because we'd go in her office once a month to pay for lunch for the month, and she'd give every kid a hug. That's 10 hugs a year! Every year!
@@Preservestlandry Yup! It was my teachers for me. I received so much praise and encouragement at school that I dreaded going home to not being good enough and being ignored.
I was cooking. Mother came up behind me and hugged me. I was very surprised as she NEVER hugged me. Then I realised why. My poncho had caught fire and she put out the flames.
I haven't been able to cry in a long while. This video helped me confront my deep issues. I was always so jealous of girls who were close with their mothers, and I've denied that mine did anything wrong for the longest time. Its time to confront how I feel and accept that my mother was not there for me.
I think my parents were like this, and only during the last years I was able to see this...they provided and cared only for the material things when I was little, for example they were present economically, they always gave me money, and cared for school, grades...but they never talked with me about my emotions, and neither of their own emotions. I was very shy as a child and didn't speak about my emotions, but at the same time I think that my parents were the first that never "teached" me emotions. They seemed worried when I cried, but if I didn't express my emotions (with crying for example) they didn't care. Plus they ignored my positive emotions, didnt played with me etc.
This brought me to tears. I have struggled with this all of my life. I'm still struggling with this. I was lost as a child and I'm lost at 52 years old. My childhood was horrible. I'm having so many emotional issues because of it.
I think there are more out there like us then we realize. I am 46 and feel like this nightmare I've been living in all these years will never, ever end...But just reading through these comments I see just how many of us are living in pain due to our horrible parent(s) and that there is much more who feel just like me ..It's phenomenal and encouraging in many ways, even though it seems to feel so awful.
Parents are an important part of ourselves and having emotional neglectful parents can affect your whole life, thats why is so hard to heal, but having support and going even in little steps is better that ignoring everything, than ignoring our child trapped inside, i hope that one day you can feel better
Daisy girl - I am 62 and discovered 2 years ago that my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD. Emotional abuse is common with those that have this disorder. It is so painful to have our emotional needs neglected. Take care and good luck in your recovery. : )
My mom was a lousy mom. I planned on never having children as I had a deep down fear of unintentionally turning into her. I had an unexpected surprise and I nurture him the way I wish I was. He's an 11year old mommy's boy. We are inseparable. He also gives me the opportunity to nurture the child within me. He's the best thing to ever happen in my life! 😍🥰
For anyone else dealing with recovery from straight-up bad parenting lol: just know that you will find the love you deserve someday, but first, you need to become the adult you needed when you were young. Be strong for yourself and you'll be able to be strong for others; and that's kind of the point, right? Anyways, yeah it's gonna be hard, but it's so worth it to become who you need/want to be. :)
Yes!!!! And until you take the time to heal yourself, you'll keep unconsciously attracting unhealthy partners. No one external can give you what you need to fill that hole left from childhood trauma (like that caused by an emotionally unavailable mother); only you can do that. But the great news is that it's totally possible for you to learn how to give yourself the love you so desire, and that your future is so bright and beautiful once you learn how to do it!
Being strong for others isn’t a problem. I can help others all day long, which is what I do. Until I can afford therapy, and find a good therapist, I’m kinda screwed. I’ve still managed to come pretty far on my own, tho. I just don’t think I can get any further by myself. Not everyone gets a happy ending.
I tend to attract super toxic ppl. So I’ve just stopped having close friendships, and am violently single. Being pretty much completely alone (other than when I’m at work) for a couple years helped me get stronger, for sure, and realize a lot more about myself, but I know I can’t, and shouldn’t be alone forever
I've literally never heard any "good mother messages" from my mom and once when i asked if she loves me, she just said " I buy you everything you want, isn't that enough?" This sentence left me very confused as it actually felt like she never loved me I seriously dk.
@@katemiller7874 I think you're missing the point and dismissing her needs. Maybe try showing sympathy and being like "I hear you, that can be hard to not hear and know that your own mother loves you." This is the "people are starving in Africa" when parents get defensive about their kid not eating their cooking.
My mother was emotionally vacant, for as long as I can remember. I know I'm emotionally detached but I show my children more love and affection than I ever got from her. I always felt worthless because of her, but I refuse to let my kids feel how I did. I tell them everyday that I love them, something I never heard from her. Mothers can really damage you, or make you.
I'm in this situation right now...only three more yrs till I'm an adult and I can leave. honestly though, the entire thing is taking a huge toll on my mental health
Goodness...😔you are not alone...me too..same exact thing.. to the point that ive even imagined the day when she dies if it will feel different /better.. scary thought but its her damage in the making...😥
@@gwendolynbensen8972 ..remember you are not alone....stay focused and positive..trust me the universe WILL for a fact conspire in your favor...you got this babygurl.. !!!💞
Kati, could these issues with my mother cause DID? I'm not sure if I have it or not and I'm trying to understand what could have caused it if it is real... I have very few memories of my childhood so I don't know if I had a big trauma or how bad things really were with my mum when I was young... thanks so much for this video, I've watched it twice and cried both times... ❤️
Rachel Lisa it's usually serious trauma at the bottom of DID, however you can get this from long periods of isolation (If you were kept alone and almost completely neglected), long standing completely unattended to mental illness of another kind (PTSD, CPTSD, or another type of dissociative disorder), and in very rare cases it's believed that long periods of emotional abuse could lead to DID. I hope you find out whats up soon and heal x
I thought having an emotionally absent mom was normal, like everyone’s moms were like that. My mom never hugs me, kisses me, uses kind words, says nice things about me, she doesn’t even like it when I touch her. Until I met by best friend’s mom. She hugged me, used kind words, showed affection towards me. I was a child, but I already knew that it felt different, it felt good to be loved.
Studies have shown that if neglected/abused children have just 1 loving adult in their life it can prevent them from becoming completely damaged adults
I am 29 and this week I finally accepted the truth - that my mom is emotionally unavailable, and that she will not change. Once she told me she loved me, ONCE. I had a dream some years ago, it was a snow storm, we were walking home and I was about 3 yrs old...I was falling behind, and my mom looked behind, stopped for a few seconds then left me. I told her about it, and she laughed. I knew the dream meant abandonment. It's horrible when you're still going through it to this day, but I hope we will all heal one day 💜
Jen H I’m 30 and I just realized that my unloving, mentally ill mother who left my family when I was 9 is the reason I don’t feel good enough, am an anxious person, and afraid of people leaving me. I cut off contact with my mother 10 years ago and haven’t looked back. I just started that book Katie recommended and for the first time I’m optimistic I can heal from this. I hope you find peace with this as well.
what?? As a child I had a recurring dream of our "family" living in a cabin in the woods. It's during a massive snow storm and my mom ups and leave us. I used to wake up crying and petrified but too scared to say anything. Strangely enough the dream was always black and white. I'm 47 now and still remember it like it was yesterday. I wonder what the significance of the snow storm is?
@@xscode3052 'dream moods' is an app I like to use, "Snowstorm" To dream about a blizzard suggests you are feeling emotionally cold and fragile. You feel excluded and left out. It may indicate a lack of love and the absence of warmth within your own family circle.
My mom actually did that to me, except it was summer time. I learned from this age that my own safety was on me...keep up with her. A malevolent narcissist is no way to be raised. Fast forward to late 50's..I did the opposite w my kids, but my upbringing did not give me any foundation for life's traumas, went through several more big traumas in my life, ended up w PTSD and now, I have developed Fibromyalgia. Still suffering and still trying to be strong. She is still around and still leaves me empty and hurt and frustrated. Our relationship only consists of what I can do for her..lately not much...feeling too drained and unwell. I relate to how you feel Jen. I am sending you a real motherly hug. My kids are now 31 and almost 27 and I think I learned from day 1 how to be a great mom w/o any examples from her. I felt I needed to break the cycle and believe I have done that. I hope you will also and find ways to self love. 💖
@@xscode3052 I imagine these types of dreams are subconsciously revealing feelings of being unloved, uncared for and abandoned. Sorry to know this..take care of yourself.
Sometimes self soothing takes on a life of its own. I can drink herbal tea all day while listening to soft slow classical piano music. Self soothing is all I'm driven to do.
I was going through postpartum issues & opened up to my mom with tears in my eyes. She looked at me & said,”I dealt with that every night for years when you were a baby & I did it alone.” So many more stories I could share. But reading through these comments, I can say, I relate to most if not all of you… You are not alone.
Almost Same situation here dear.. They just don't care to watver I say how I feel, even if I'm crying.. It's a joke for them! It's not worth sharing, talking to them.
I knew growing up that there was something inherently wrong with my and my mothers dynamic. It had not occurred to me, that my mother was narcissistic, until now. I always regarded her as selfish, self centered, verbally abusive, and emotionally detached. Now, for the first time-I understand.
My mom was also emotionally detached and a narcissist, she even put us all in danger and thought only about herself and never her kids, and purposefully married a man who was a convicted child molester and child rapist, who when he was in his early 20's he got 4 years for raping a 9 year old girl, but our mom didn't care about that, and the reason was because he owned his own house and small engine repairs business, so she put our lives and safety on the line 💔
As a mother, I realized that I am making some of the same mistakes that my mother made with me. I am trying to educate my self so I can be there for my kids who are 16 and 13 years old. Thank You for this video! I learned that many parents are ignorant about how they are raising their children and the toxic life cycle keeps going until you break that and learn to be a better parent.
My mother doesn't even cook and what he cooks he makes them with no dedication or love, and he is probably watching other person ,instead of trying to be a good woman to us and a mother ,he is outisde flettering herself
Yes Kati PLEASE talk more about this topic!! I've had an absent father and emotionally abusive/mentally ill/ absent mother and I had no one looking out and taking care of me as a child. Now I struggle a lot but thanks to you and your channel I now have built up a lot of courage so next month I am getting into therapy!
That's amazing, that you're getting into therapy :) Very courageous. I was in the same situation as you described and am now also in therapy for it. It's not easy, but I hope it helps.
Yay! I am so proud of you for getting into therapy :) I know how scary and hard that can be :) I promise it will be worth it!! xoxo I will definitely talk about this topic more!! xoxo
Anybody else have a super strict mother (for me it was religious) that when you were hurting or got into trouble for something, you couldn't turn to her because you'd just get in trouble with her too?
Mine always tells me I can come to her for support, but all she does is justify all the things that are happening to me and blaming everything on me. She's also religious. I think she gets this toxicity from the church (mormon church)
Same here. Very strict that I learned to not share everything with her unless it was absolutely necessary. I learned what was safe to share and what to withhold because I knew it would turn into a lecture otherwise. I learned to self validate and not feel the knee jerk reaction to people please.
When I have problems I runway from her, she can smell it and I became a prey!!!! She always demands so much attention and don't give a shit about my feelings!! It's always me me me me!!!! So extremely selfish. I know that she has some psychosis , she puts everything on my back. A dictator!!!
I was the stinky kid. I didn't learn I had to wash or brush my teeth till I was 7 years old when I was sent to fresh air camp. the family I was sent to taught me. I also learned how to sleep in my own room and not be afraid of the dark. 2 weeks of love and family.
As a child my mother, as well as most of my family, emotionally neglected me. When I became a teenager, my mother has tried to be there for me but whenever i try to talk to her, a few minutes into the conversation it turns into her dumping all of her problems on me. Honestly, its really screwed me up and I'm having a lot of trouble talking about it with my therapist because I'm afraid she's going to ignore what I have to say and only talk about herself. She won't actually do it, I know its an irrational thought, but I can't help it.
Rachel Fourie ....mayhaps she did. She often told me I was too sensitive (as did the rest of my family) and it kinda annoys me because that hurts? Especially since she takes advantage of my sensitivity by sending me to be the one to handle delicate situations like talking to my brothers about abusive girlfriends or my brother about his extreme apathy towards school because I’m sensitive enough to handle it without pushing/scaring them away. But when she hurts MY feelings or I try to call my family out for disregarding other people’s feelings suddenly I’m too sensitive.
@@captainnobody9217 That's called gaslighting, not taking responsibility for themselves, but putting it back on you, and making it your problem because you're supposedly too sensitive.
BRING THIS TO YOUR THERAPIST ASAP, the fact that you are aware of transference is ESSENTIAL to discuss with your therapist. I promise you that this will benefit you in the long run (as a trainee therapist) x x
My mom screamed at me all the time. She would tell me how much she hated my dad,then in the next sentence tell me I'm just like him. So I always felt like she hated me.
I also had “I hate your father more than anyone else in the world, and you’re just like your father”. She stopped saying that when I told her that I didn’t choose my father, she did.
My mother would say, “You’re just like your father,” whenever I did something that offended her. And she would say, “I’m so glad you’re not like your father,” whenever I did something that pleased her. This was in addition to remarks like, “Your father’s evil,” and “He doesn’t love you; he just wants to show you off to his girlfriends .” She never told me that she loved me, even refusing to say it when I asked her directly. I think she was afraid of me as a child because I was going to become a man when I grew up.
Me too. He is a narc tho, which I am not. I kick his ass every time he treats me like he treated her. She never was shown much emotion either from either one of us. Sad life when people don't get help and the problems of their families just keep going from one generation to another.
Oh honey, you mom isn’t just emotionally unavailable, it sounds like she’s also a narcissist. Only a narc could say something that cruel 😢. My father always smeared my mother to me and it really messed me up. He died a lonely man with none of his children having anything to do with him. I just want you to know this is a THEM problem and doesn’t have anything to do with you ❤
Mothers can be emotionally absent while at the same time infusing you with THEIR emotions, which invalidates you as a seperate person. You become the carrier for their overflow so to speak, but when you try to exhibit or self-connect to your own emotions, this threatens the mother and that is when all hell can break loose.
Exactly, like Katie says: "therapy is really hard". Most people think of it as weak like just 'whining and crying time' and we should 'just be positive and pull ourselves together'. But it actually is the opposite: people in therapy are the ones who are courageous enough to face their inner demons, where the people who call it weak are the ones who are too afraid to do this. To everyone struggling: don't give up, there is truth in your heart that can conquer the madness in your mind..! 💛
I'm a 17 year old girl and my mother is emotionally absent, but I always tried to convince myself that there was nothing wrong because there was always a fridge full of food or a new holiday to have. She does a lot for me physically, but never hugs me, or asks how I'm feeling, and often time alone together is awkward. However, I trust a fairly easily and I'm always emotionally available for others. I love letting people in and I always open up about my emotions to my friends. Generally I'm really happy and I love life, but the relationship I have with my mum always ruins my mood. Why do I show these attributes when an emotionally unavailable mother should lead me to disconnect my emotions and fear people getting too close? A lot of the time I imagine that my friends' mothers are my own and I think about the relationship we would have. It makes me really sad since I've only got one mum for my whole life.
She's most likely guilted you by saying: "You've got a roof over your head and food in the cupboard! What more do you want?!" I had the same things said to me. Neglect can definitely be emotional and just as damaging as neglecting basic physical needs. It's just easier to prosecute and visually monitor those who neglect the physical needs of children, so that's why we are conditioned to not see it as neglect. Her gaslighting and deflection of blame is her way of distancing herself from the uncomfortable truth that she didn't do enough. Keep this truth with you but don't try to say this to your mother. The gaslighting will continue if you try to discuss it. You are 19 or 20 years old now. I hope you are doing okay 😊
I forgot to add that the reason why you show empathy and love to others is so others don't feel like you do. I do the exact same thing. I'm determined to not be my mother.
It is sad. You are the way you are because you're trying to get from other people what you can't get from your Mum, affection, kindness, love. I had the exact same situation when I was young. It's very hard. I think finding someone else you can be friends with and confide in, maybe someone else's Mum, maybe your Granny?, is a good idea. But don't waste years, as I did, trying to make things better between you and your Mum, because, sadly, it's unlikely to happen.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve realized the harsh truth that no matter what I do and try to communicate, my own mother is not interested in a relationship. I’ve accepted it but I am still processing the sense of betrayal and with no one to turn to. Very difficult 😢
This is where a good therapist can really help. My therapist was the first person ever to tell me that sticking up for myself to my mom was a good thing. Everyone else seemed to think I was just being a pain in the behind. No one can change your mom, but a good therapist can help you see it all in a very different light, and this makes it easier to deal with.
I just turned 42 and I had to conclude this as my reality also… although I have felt this throughout my life coming into acceptance is quite painful. I have no clue after many attempts to get clarity why it is as such. I am grateful to come to realization.
A few months ago I finally confessed to my mother I’ve been suicidal for years but my brother has been the only thing keeping me going. Her first response was do I need to go to a psych ward. That really hurt because for some reason I was hoping she’d talk even though I knew she wouldn’t. Everything described here, my mom does or has done and now I understand why I’m not comfortable at all talking about my feelings.
I know this is a year old post...but...made me sad to read...Do NOT hurt yourself love!!!! Im betting you are such a cool AF person who got ripped off in the parent department. Talk to someone...Hell...talk to me!!!!! You are NOT ALONE!!!! Peace n unconditional love from me xo
My mother was a product of not being loved, so she couldn't be there for her own children emotionally. She also never recognized her responsibility and blames her children for their faults and insecurities. Just when I think I can go to her, I'm reminded that she cannot "deal" with me and my emotional neediness. Consequently, some of the major relationships in my life have been with narcissists. I've become a magnet.
Both of my parents were emotionally unavailable, dad completely unavailable. Now mom is in her last days and needs me to be emotionally available for her. I'm feeling really confused right now.
Been there. Don't be too hard on yourself, but do try your best. I wish I had tried harder but I had so much built up resentment that it felt impossible to do what was needed. Fortunately I had an older sister who was better at dealing with the emotional aspects. I felt completely(almost) disconnected from my mom at that point.
Do what you feel you can. I have been there. My mom died two years ago come January, still don't miss her to this day, but I was there for her and took care of her. It was very emotional. I didn't want to, because she had never been there for me, but I had to be compassionate at the end of the day and be there as much as I could. She died with alot of regrets, but no answers how she was and what she put us through. When she died I was thankful. It took me two months of crazy to deal from her damage with no answers, but now I am good. Glad she is gone and no longer has an influence in my life.
WoW, same.. Ppl close to her are passing away and she's getting older.. I have to grapple with either being there for my abuser or being true to myself. Its a difficult internal battle. I feel you.
My mom's response to me telling her she's hurt my feelings is silent treatment. She "punishes" me. She becomes distant and makes me feel like I don't exist.
Try speaking in ownership terms: “I feel hurt when you say/do _____. I would like _____”. It may not have any effect on a toxic person, but taking ownership like this is better than a “you did this to me.” type of comment, which can put even a healthier person automatically on the defensive. Ownership: “I feel ______. I would like _____” 👍🙂. Keep trying to stay strong! 💪
@@rusticecho4175 i tried that to my mom , i said you hurt me when you said im a dumb person and she said its true you are dumb . even worse is that she told that to my cousin , she thought i didnt hear it
As a Mom I can't imagine not patting my kids on the back and telling them everything will be ok when they feel sad. I am sorry many of you did not have that. Consider this message a hug and a pat and really.. life gets hard for everybody.. focus on the positive goals in your future... it will be ok! My Mom frustrates me sometimes by making almost everything I talk to her about "All her fault! She messed up! She was just SUCH a bad Mom!" or "She does not remember that.. but I must be 'so abused' then." but she also was there for me many times to hug me and tell me it's ok... I just feel simultaneously gaslighted... so I don't know what to do with that.
I don't think you know that , it's hard really hard to read your sentence without bursting into tears , for my mom her own biological child , in her own words , she said " I should have killed you , when you were young " , that sentence is still there , still coming into nightmare , and I really get jealous when I see someone hugging her mom, or someone mom cooking something for her son , I don't want emotional or physical support , nor do any hugs or kisses , all I want is my mom to talk to me politely for once . And in return my mom could take anything from me , I don't care , anything . Pls show love to your child , pls , don't make him a broken person like me . Have a nice day .
@@ishubandhan1749 Not at all saying my desire to hug all the hurt away is going to replace just having your mom care..just that I wish I had that superpower! I do my best for my kids.. I am not perfect but they know they are loved. I hope you find some peace with the pain your mother has caused you.
I’m going through the a divorce and I’ve been depressed and anytime I try to talk to my mom because she went through a divorce I’m met with you need to let it go stop crying , and now she’s saying being depressed is for the weak 🥺🥺🥺🥺 I just want her to be there and listen to me
My mother is emotionally abusive as well as physically abusive. I've broken contact now for almost a year and I'm starting to finally gather the threads of who I am from the wreckage of who I was and put myself back together again but even now I feel so hurt and angry about how she treated me. I never ever felt loved or accepted as I am. I was always unacceptable, unlovable and basically a freak in her eyes. She took advantage of my disability when it suited her and then mocked me for my disability when she was bored. She wrecked my confidence to the point where it was almost nonexistent and I even tried to commit suicide because she told me things like 'nobody else loves you, just me' and then almost in the same breath she would say 'well I can barely stand you either actually' If anyone tried to become my friend or hit on me my response would always be 'Don't bother, trust me I'm not worth it' because I felt like a burden to everyone. Nowadays I think of her and this big ball of hatred wells up in my stomach but I'm going to have to see her again because my brother is getting married. My instinct is to tell my brother I'm not going but I want to be there for him. But I'm terrified.
I cried. This video really was a part of my life. I never remember being hugged or talked to soothingly. I had to be the adult a lot of times. A lot of my past I just remember short bits and pieces, sort of like a commercial. Could you please talk more on this subject? I may not be able to purchase the book. Will you please do a video on the same subject about Fathers? You are a great therapist. I am 56 years old and have gone to therapist. The last one, I left crying and more emotionally worn-out every time.
I've erased most of my childhood memories so uh... yay for disassociating. I feel guilty for judging my mum though, I love her and when I got sick as a teen she sort of had to be a mother but as a child I didn't really have a proper mother yet as I said I don't remember a lot of it sigh
My mother has been emotionally abusive for all my life to me and my siblings and even my dad. Idk why he's still with her, when I was little I used to just "forgive" her and I wanted her to love me so bad. For the past few years as a teenager and someone who's seen some stuff, I don't want anything from her cause one second she'll be telling me how I ruined her life and the next she'll tell me I'm a blessing. She stabs me in the back and puts a bandaid on it and thinks it'll fix it. So at this point I don't accept any kind of emotional attachment from her. She's not my best friend, she's not my friend, I avoid her at all costs. She may be my mother but she's never been my mom.
It’s like my mom forgot how to be a mom. She married a man, and lost her way. She became her husbands mom , and I became my brothers mom. I had to cut her off. I’m happy I did
My mum used to be loving and kind and 'normal', then she hated me for years and now she's starting to love me again. It's very scary waking up not knowing whether your mums going to love you or not today😴
Naoife Joseph my mom sort of did the same thing. She left when I was eleven and was gone for two and a half years and then walked back in and acted like nothing happened. My mom is sort of unpredictable and illogical in her actions
I hate how cold the relationship in between me and my mother has become and it really has been because I feel like I can't express myself fully when I'm around my mother. It's not like she wasn't there for me she did take care of me when I was sick and the such and she would tell me the things mothers would say, but it never felt sincere to me. At one moment when I needed it the most, I was really being troubled by a recent large event in our family's life, she asked me what was wrong, I told her the truth on how I felt about said situation, she then proceeded to shoot my emotions down calling me delusional and telling me that it was my fault I couldn't adapt. I'll never forget that day, it was the last time I was open about most of my inner troubles and worries with my mother and it was a day I was really vulnerable. I started crying halfway into the video, I will definitely follow the tips in the video and try to read the book recommended. Thank you very Kati Morton.
Yes The fact that she can be caring and sensitive makes it completely impossible to deal with I am loyal to the core and I don't accept this cut her off nonsense yet at the same time, I currently see no other way if I want to have a tolerable life myself. I've tried, and tried, and tried, and it only led to suicidal ideation.
I'm 50 years old and I still don't feel safe expressing my feelings to my mother. I identified this years ago and tried to talk to her about it. She said it's just how she was raised. Her mother was the same way. It never bothered her because grandma showed love in other ways (like providing basic care).
More videos on mothers like this please Kati! The biggest lie we're told is that "all mothers are good". Mine is a covert narcissist that lacks empathy and is self-obsessed.
This is SOOOO TRUE and this is ALL of my life. My mother was and is emotionally absent and my grandmother was and is as well. Also, when a boy grows up with unemotional women in his life, he starts to seek out that nuturing feeling from women in relationships, that he never received from the women in his life. I did this and didn't know I was doing this, until I was almost 30 yrs old. This is why I seek for someone to be nurturing and soft and caring, because I never had it at all and Men need this in women.
Damn, I hear you! I am turning 30 and haven’t had a relationship yet, but I feel you on the seeking that nurturing motherly woman in a relatinship because that is exactly how I imagine a relationship to be like for me. Or more specifically that is exactly how I fantasies about relationships, but I really don’t want to put that emotinal burden on a woman, if I actually come into a relationship one day.
I'm a guy, I always blamed my father for everything but it was my mother who was never really there for me although she did try to make it look like she was... she never was really there and just would always put an act on. Only today I've learned the truth and I'm already feeling better because now I know what I've been missing. That little thing I always felt like I'm missing. I cannot trust he and she is to blame. I'm finally free this is the first day of my life.i also have to accept that I never had a mother and I never will but that's okay aslong as I move forward and become the person I was ment to be.
Good video Kati, thanks. What about the emotionally unavailable mother (parent) that's warm and generous to everyone else and is thought of as "wonderful" by others? Then those "others" see you as ungrateful or wrong because there's "no way a lovely woman like that" could ever mistreat you and that it must be "your" problem and not hers? Interested to hear what you think.
Many people put on a show for others. It matters not what others think. What happened to you was real and how you feel about it is valid, even if no one "else" can see it. Do what's best for you, and try to ignore anyone else's judgments. People truly only judge based on themselves, and not others. Everything "negative" that each of us does is really all about ourselves and not anyone else that we try to project it onto. So people's judgments aren't actually about you and you don't have to let them hold power over you. The only, only thing that matters is what you think of you, and that you give yourself the unconditional love you so deserve.
+SomethingReallyStrange, I totally know how you feel. And then it's really scary trying to "go against the programming" and express yourself, because what if you just get shut down, told you're wrong, and that it must be something about you, all over again? I just keep trying to "reprogram" myself and only tell certain things to people I trust to actually listen to me (people who don't know my mom are a great start, heh).
This is the experience with my mother as well. My friends and extended family think she is the nicest lady and she does no wrong. She picked on me growing up and treated my siblings better because they were popular and into sports. I felt like I was crazy for so long because no one in my life has ever stood up for me to my mom or validated my feelings
Hi Alan Funt! Have you checked out NPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Narcissistic mothers have a superficial and fake personality in public, but in private, they are exactly the opposite. Nobody ever knows what happens behind closed doors. Hope this is helpful to you Alan.
this is so needed, I was on the backhand of my mothers depression and schizophrenia throughout most of my childhood, I was the person she thought was conspiring against her with my dad and would call me a nazi. I am so unbelievably damaged by this and struggle every day, I have absolutely no self esteem and am in ongoing recovery from anorexia, I can relate to it making me uncomfortable in relationships, i have pushed many people away due to this and it makes me self sabotage a lot. thank you so much I feel so alone most of the time because it seems like almost everyone else has a brilliant family bond, as an only child I take this strain daily. Thank you for making me feel less alone for once, you are a brilliant therapist and I have gained more from your channel then I have any therapist I've seen in real life.
god for so much of my life ( and i just turned 24 ), i always felt such a deep NEED to be hugged/comforted/had my hair stroked etc. my mom does do all this stuff but like, not when it comes to anything emotional or mental if that makes sense. i DO get physical touch from her every now and then. but at a very young age i just learned i had to hold certain stuff back from her and its NEVER felt safe to open up to her about anything emotional. i know its not safe to. i know its not entirely her fault because i know she had a physically/verbally/emotionally abusive mother so she never learned how to handle her own emotions i dont think. lowkey i felt like i emotionally raised myself.
Uh oh. You’re using your daughter to live vicariously through her. This can go bad, really bad! It might start off as innocent (as I’m sure our parents started out with the best intentions) but ultimately evolve into you yourself being the problematic parent to your daughter and her going on RUclips to learn about how to deal with her mother. Just put the past behind you and realize that your daughter has nothing to do with what happened to you in your childhood. Break the chain because something happened to your mother as well in her childhood which made her act the way she did against you. It’s a vicious cycle! Stop the cycle and just start fresh. Forget about what happened in the past and live in the now and look toward the future with your daughter. Don’t involve your daughter in whatever internal struggles you’re going through with your mother. It’s not fair. When you try to give everything to your daughter that you never got from your mother, and your daughter doesn’t respond grateful for all the things you’ve done for her. When you realize she doesn’t give a sh*t about how good she has it compared to your childhood and all the things you’ve done for her and are doing for her etc. When you see her act like a normal teen. Disliking you just because she’s a teen (that awkward phase). Not wanting you all up in her grill etc. You might misinterpret that as the ultimate betrayal and try to get back at her. Human beings can get that way. This is exactly how your mother became that way. She felt like, “if only she knew what I went through, she would kiss my feet for all the things I’ve done for her.” So this is exactly how you’re going to become your mother. Just stop. Forget about your childhood. Get over it. It’s done. It’s over. Don’t do this to that child! She’s a whole new person who wasn’t even alive when those things happened to you. You could have the best intentions and it can turn around and blow up in your face when she doesn’t return the love and share the gratitude. Just start all over with her and forget about the past. What matters is today.
All my mom cares about is her phone & friends... plus she show’s favoritism to my older sisters and youngest brother..... I cry everyday, I hate myself, i have anxiety, I have reallly low self esteem, and when I try to talk to her about my feelings she blows me off, with everything going on in the world I just want to live and the same house and be a family and talk( my house doesn’t feel like a home) or play games, but it’s been the same routine of me just crying & hating myself every single day.
I am so sorry your Mom doesn't see you. You are beautiful and valuable and enough just how you are. I am so sad no one in your family sees how precious you are. Still, you are extremely and infinitely precious.
Yu hate yourself girl? But your comment actually shown me a light, towards my next step, I am gonna break the cycle of the abuse now, I sacrificed myself for them 8years, yet they treats me very horribly
In spiritual journey, you are supposed to be compassionate to each and every other, that's what i did all my young age,but see how everyone thinks it was all my fault, anyways allah is watching it all, I cannot be hard hearted with anyone but this time, I will not have no emotions at all towards them ,but deep inside that's not who you are, how hurtful these things are!
I have found (i'm 18) that I end up subconsciously finding a mother figure elsewhere, which made me see this in a teacher and also sometimes when i'm watching my favorite tv shows and there is a strong female lead like SVU. It made me realize that I have attachment issues because of my mum i guess.
I think that's a healthy way for us who have gone without a healthy mother to respond, by finding other women who are loving, kind, supportive and role models to us. Even admiring strong, smart women actresses is a good thing..Please don't see that as being wrong or bad.
I've always had problems with my mom, she was emotionally abusive, rageful, unavailable and only conditionally loving among other things, so I started searching for maternal figures putside of home. I found one in my former English teacher, from her I felt the validation I needed, I felt that she was proud of me and I trusted her more than my mom. I was devastated when she changed schools and didn't teach me anymore, thw first couple weeks almost felt like grieving. I still get huge adrenaline rushes and a skipping heart beat when I see her in the streets, I don't think I'm over her. She was the perfect example on what my actual mother couldn't be.
My mother conveniently does not anything that she did or did not do from my childhood. She is toxic, therefore I feel better never seeing or talking to her. I feel better since I broke away, but I am still in therapy, although always improving! 😊
I found these out yesterday. As a 22 year old it blew my mind thats so many people re going through the exact same thing as me! This gives me courage to get out asap. Thank you so much
Mom/stepdad addiction Dad alcoholic Dad screamed at me when I cry, still now when I want to cry I get migraines bc it’s like I’m still today at 24 I have to make myself cry and remind myself I’m allowed to.
This was my life. If my dad told me to be home at 9 and i was 5 minutes late i got into so much trouble. it always made me so upset especially when this was back when I couldn't drive so it wasn't me making myself late.
Same here!! I detached from people all together when I realized I would attach to them and view them in unhealthy ways and be so vulnerable that I would get hurt!! I shut down !
Honestly these types of videos make me feel like crap cuz I start to realize just how crappy things are so,I generally avoid these. But it’s nice to see people care about those in need and do what they can to help them.
Thanks. Kids learn to self soothe and raise themselves in such families, become independent and self reliant however, they have limited coping skills that can affect them later on in life. I had distracted parents, consequences made me feel invisable, unlovable or not enough. As an adult I saw my friends treat their kids so well, were protected and comforted. Have to wonder why people have kids when they dont really want to raise them.
oh my god I cried through the entirety of this video. I'm glad to know that I'm allowed to "give up" trying to have a relationship with a toxic mother because it's so so so damaging that I'm still reliving and suffering through the trauma even to this day. someday I believe I will make it out of here. and you will too. sending all my love, as always
Boy, almost fifty years ago I called my mother a bitch under my breath at the dinner table and all hell broke loose. On the most superficial level it was obviously wrong, but I'm not even sure it was a conscious decision. I remember feeling so conflicted, without even knowing why. But looking back, all these years later, I realize that was the most honest and authentic moment of my childhood.
Almost 50 years ago I did the very same thing to my mom… she slapped me across the face and yelled for my father to get in there and teach me a lesson. He told me to never call her that again. I said “well she is” and he said quietly, “I know but there’s nothing we can do about that”
Wow. I could have written this. When I was a small child, my mother made me take a shower to go to bed. I wanted to watch TV and she insisted. While there (with the door closed) I called her a bitch. The next thing I knew, I was being wrenched out of the shower and pushed onto the hall floor where she proceeded to beat me. My "ever helpful" father appeared over her should and said, "Jean, you're going to kill her". No move to stop her or push her away, just a cautious mention. So she stopped and I was sent to bed. She later appeared and apologized, sort of. But she beat me all my life, even as I entered high school. My older brother was never hit and my younger brother was excused when he was too big, but I keep on getting the belt. As I've aged, I've reflected on why my life is so horrible and why I am alone. I've also replayed that incident in my head and decided that my father had probably told my mother that I could tell others about the incident, hence the apology. He never was much use as intervention and as a teenager, his only intervention came as a "Tell your mother you'll do what she says", no matter what the argument was about. It wasn't just her. I had two horrible parents and I work to try to give myself a break about what my life has and hasn't been. It's horrible.
My mom and dad literally just gave me food and shelter, that’s it. No conversations, no support, nothing. Only time they talked was when I would do something wrong.
Same here. It was horrible.
Same...I was supposed to find support elsewhere 🙄
So sorry you experienced that 💔
I so relate.
Edgar, I had to check that I hadn't typed this comment out myself! I'm sorry you experienced that. I know I'm my case, it was because there was a lot of neglect of my own mother by my grandmother, who had lost her own mother as an infant. It made me wonder why my mother ever had children if she didn't intend to interact with them. Both of my parents were and are super generous and kind-hearted, just not emotionally present at all.
Thankfully, my husband and I have made a family together where we all know each other, we apologize, we cultivate humans (adult and children) as a team. We live by the idea that family is the safe laboratory where you develop yourself, so you can go out to the less forgiving world and interact in a healthy way.
Being raised by emotionally unavailable parents made me emotionally independent quite early, which helps me to cut them off easily. How ironic.
Proud of you
I feel that way too. I just couldn't feel any attachment to them or care.
Make sure that talent of easily cutting people off doesn't come out when you parent your own child.
lmao samee😚✌🏼
My partner and I both experienced emotionally removed parenting he ended the relationship and this worked best for him he was treated as scapegoat and black sheep. I did not cut ties but distanced myself to a degree to survive I was the non existent child never noticed like I did not exist as if they were ashamed of me somehow. Then in old age when their lives started to unravel they needed their children . Two of us tried the best we could to help and as I witnessed their physical / mental degeneration and decline I began to feel empathy. Saw that our parents struggled to give and receive love but as they weakened they let a little in and gave a little more it was pitiful and sad to experience. My anger towards them has largely dissipated as I came to learn this was generational dysfunction . They struggled to give what they had not received themselves. I’m trying to move on from this and be a better parent I know I have the demons but knowing this helps me to fight them. I’m largely winning now. I hope my parents find peace with their creator 🥰
My narcissistic verbally abusive mother starved me emotionally to the point where I would cling to anyone giving me the slightest affection, ignoring the all the other red flags and ending up in bad relationships
Me too and I am fucking pissed about it.
Hi 👋 I know how you feel
I understand what you have been going through.
@@Moon-gd4nn I’m just dramatic & needy my mom is really nice
@@okaycola2 I know what you are going through. And since most people have relatively 'normal' set of parents it is not easy for them to sense all the caustic verbal and emotional games. No one understands. Nobody. I had my 1st nervous breakdown when I was in my early teens. Years later I tried therapy but that didn't help much. I tried PLR - past life regression a few years back to understand 'why me'.
If you are not in therapy then may I suggest you please get a book that speaks to you and take the path of self help. I ordered the book (the emotionally absent mother) and a couple of other books (the emotionally abused woman by Beverly Engel and another one on PTSD, Complex PTSD by Pete Walker) Bless the authors for understanding and writing about situations like ours. The patterns have been explained by way of examples...examples of patients treated. And that makes me so sad to know that there are so many of us. It is heartbreaking. No one should have to go through what we have gone through, are going through. No one deserves to go through such constant trauma.
I grew up with a mother who never hugs or kiss let alone emotionally available. I thought that is perfectly normal until I met my mother in law who showered me with hugs and kisses.
I too grew up thinking it's normal til i heard what a real mother sounds like from my friends
@@Kc-gs2pk never got so much jealous in my life , when I saw how much my friends mom loved him .
That moment Completely destroyed me
Same in my case except the mother in-law.shes also very cordial.O am 34 years now.I still have to deal with my mother's rage n tantrums.she often makes me feel guilty.now I am tired.
same.....mine doesn't show me any emotions towards me at all
Mother in laws are surprisingly nice people, and teach more acceptance and structure, compared to how movies and tv showed them growing up. Haha
I can relate to this. Having an emotionally absent mother was very damaging for me. I would fantasize about having a loving and caring mother and I still do.
Sally I remember when I was 12-15 I was fantasizing that my real mom has died and I had a name for her and I was talking to her. When I was 9 I told my friends that I’ve been adopted :(
Sally I think it caused me to have many erotic fantasies and be sexually attracted to mostly older women. Especially because she wasn’t there for me when I was being sexually abused, she favored my bros and we *never* had a real conversation about anything. Now I’m a lesbian... can’t complain though, my happiest memories are with women Ive love/loved
I thought I was the only one!😄
Me to she has new kid. & gave them effection i never got as child
I was always envious of my friends that had wonderful parents who you could tell loved them. But I’ve never had that and I’ve come to accept that it will likely never happen
Told my mother I felt invalidated by her and all she said was 'ok...' and then mocked me for feeling that way. She only ever wants to talk about what I'm doing - not what I'm feeling.
EDIT: I never expected anyone to really see or read my comment. I'm sorry this resonated with so many of you. Take care everyone 💛
Sorry
We gotta step giving people automatic access to our lives
The same here😪
Same
I understand your experience. My mother has a masters in therapy, but nay worked in that for 3 years. I don’t even get an “ok” from her. 🙁
My entire childhood was fearing my mother’s rage. I stayed quiet and did my jobs, and constantly tried to make her happy, I was never successful.
Life of a parentified child
My mother was bipolar I spent most of my life while she was in it walking on eggshells fearing she will tell or scream or scold me because I did something as small as squeaking a chair for half a second.
Yea. This hits home too much.
I've been there. No matter what you do, or what you achieve, it was never enough.
Same situation mine too 😔
My mom was too absorbed in her problems to see that they weren’t mine also.
Same here. I'm also a scapegoat and projection child.
Same, too. I‘m 32 and just cut contact to her. About six months ago, brother told me she said about this:“Mothers Are Saints! You only have one mother blabla“. True, but to be a mother, it takes more than give life.
Elsa Agðarsdotter true
Same here!
I'm cold. Go put on a sweater. Some mom's be like
When both of the parents are emotionally absent, I can assure you all that you're up for a hell of a ride...
Lmao yeah
True
Well, if they're both emotionally absent, you'll end up with your mother after the divorce. Then you're forced to ride her rollercoaster of hell of constant divorce, moving, divorce, moving. you'll live 1000 miles away from your hometown and away from any family. You don't know anything because you moved twice during each grade. You don't even bother making friends because you know that you won't be there long. Eventually, one day, you wake up, you're in 30s, and somehow, she's your best friend.
me too
Yep.. 😬 💖 to you all
I saw the title and I had to watch. This is my life in a nutshell. 52 year old man who is still suffering from never and I mean never hearing his mother say I love you. She treated all four of her kids as impositions on her time and now none of us talk to each other or relate to each other at all. It's a screwed-up situation that I actually tried to mend but the wounds are too deep. Lesson learned don't have kids unless you are prepared to love them. By the way I have a son and I love him to death and let him know every day. You can break the cycle
I'm sorry. I'm 57 and still struggle also.
😞
Ditto 54, also tell my daughter with actions and words "i love you" 💗
.
Forgiving is the key..
Children grown without emotional attention swing along emotional borders swinging between hope and despair in finding "the one" or "the thing" as a savior to compensate for the missing element which might be a lifelong pursuit in different ways like developing addictions and perfection. When he turns back he realizes the truth seeing a life wasted. Good luck to all of us.
EXCELLENT COMMENT, THANK YOU
True true true !!!
Ah shit.
Yes, and I feel that there is still hope!
Well said 💔
It took me many years to even understand that my mother was never there for me emotionally.
I believe that this was passed down through the generations in my family.
I so can relate to this... I`m exactly and this point on my final 30's after years of ford and back's, wondering if I was being to taugh with my mother thinking that about her. She is not the mother of three girls, she is the mother of one man, her husband...
Exactly I know from experience as a daughter and a mother and I know my mothers history as well. It’s very hard to do what was never shown to you.
@@irener.3503 omg, same here. Three daughters who didn’t get any attention or taught anything about life or how to live. Ugh
@@irener.3503 OMG. Same here.
You have explained my life in one comment. Hugs to you.
Sadly it’s like a baton getting passed down from parent to child.
My mom was the apple of her father’s eye but he died of an aneurysm when she was 15. Her mother was cold towards anyone that wasn’t helping her. My dad was the youngest who at 12 had to take care of all the farm duties, including driving and fixing the pickup truck when his older brothers went off to war.
As kids we can’t grasp why they didn’t show up for us. Rationalizing it years later helps. But it can’t undo the damage we’ve done to ourselves by pushing ppl away. I’m continually trying to find ways to reset my limbic system just so I can feel safe or okay. It’s a lot of work but it beats the alternative. This isn’t what my mother meant by “getting (my) life together” but it’s the best I can manage.
My mom would tell me stuff like “ you can tell me anything, I’ll love you no matter what” but when I tried she would snuff me out. So eventually I stopped trying .
Same. She’d always claim that she was there to comfort me but whenever I tried to talk to her about things that upset me, she just invalidated my feelings and made me feel like a bad and/or weak-minded person for even experiencing anxiety or anger.
bluecannibaleyes well she was wrong and you and your feelings are 100% valid
This is awful... I relate so much. I was mid nervous- breakdown and my mum began criticising me for not getting help sooner. I told her to leave my room and I knew that was the exact reason I would never open up emotionally to her again.
And then they wonder why you don't tell them anything 😩
Same. It was so confusing because she *looked* emotionally available and interested. She didn't yell or abuse, she just shut it down over and over and over.
My mother was physically and emotionally absent while I was growing up, and now when she tells me she loves me, I don’t believe her. I can’t.
Same.
I can relate
Don't believe it and live the best life you can. Empty words are just that; empty.
I hope you find that love within yourself and heal
Same
As a child i physically couldn’t keep my emotions in, I would cry all the time and it was dismissed as depression, all I needed was to feel heard and valued and supported emotionally
Me too. When I was very small, I reacted to the abuse with sobbing and crying, and my mother would make fun of how sensitive I was. Then, as a teenager and young adult, tired of being mistreated I reacted yelling and throwing things; by then, I was nothing but a sick woman. Had they got some power or enough money, they would have locked me in an assylum.
That's the same exact thing that happend to me I was always told I was to emotional.
u are not alone
@@Empathhealingfromtrauma same here. I’m also the only affectionate person in my family. I felt like an alien in my own family.
I was like this. My mom would call me mentally ill and she says “I’ve always had depression”. My hopelessness stemmed from her abuse, and now I struggle to form any friendships or relationships because I’m extremely dismissive; dismissive to the point I would block someone for no reason, but the fact I feel like doing so. My mother ruined my life and I have no interest in maintaining a connection with her once I move out.
My mum had zero motherly/'caring' instincts towards us, but played the motherly card when her friends were around. I've been estranged from my parents for years now.
That's such a hard pill to swallow right? The show they put on to get validation from the outside world for being what appears to be the perfect parent is so messed up and Oscar worthy!
Same girl
True same, If I would try to hug her she would alwayys deny my hugs but in front of her friends she would be all friendly and cuddly to me, sucks.
Same.. still hate everything around me.. myself tooo
Same
showing emotions near mom was a very bad idea, learned to suppress all feelings and shoved them all into a mental sealed container.
I hope this video and the book I recommended are helpful :) I will definitely be talking more about this topic!! xoxo
Kati Morton your videos are very helpful thank you!
My mom managed to interpret any emotion or action as a personal attack against her, and she also got enraged when we left the room, and she got furious when we just shut down emotionally and didn't express anything. She has no idea why I never call her.
Vox Silencio Same!
That was my dad. My mom is just emotionally numb. Understandable after living w him for 40yrs.
The amount of trauma and the years that my mom made me act like I'm her parents made me really not want to have kids of my own....
Amen
Same
Same
Just go watch little children for a while. They are so innocent and love us unconditionally. They can make us respond positively and they don’t find fault. In my life they helped me to feel like a child wanting to play with them. It releases us from that trauma instead of adding to it or perpetuating it.
That’s what your own children can do, too. I thot as you do at one time and I even disliked children. . But I eventually married and had a son. He is a true gift to me and is my joy . But I didn’t know that until After I had him.
Now he has a daughter, my first grandchild. It is more joy- really.
You will not be like her. You know what she did, you can break the chain of upset by being you, and not her :) I have a boy of my own and make sure I will never be like my mum. Damaged me so much and she doesn't admit it or care.
I never had a caring mother. Me and my sister now understand why we don't feel so much empathy for others. Both of our parents are emotionally... weird. I cry a lot because I see my friends having such great moms and then I get really sad... thank you for the video!
this will sound weird but be glad you can cry, I can't unless I totally break down :/
titanslayer I feel the same. it's so hard
thank you so much for sharing your experience.. I hope the video and book are helpful :) xoxo
I know what you mean. When I started having friends as a teen and young adult I was astounded at how "normal" mothers showed so much interest and had affection for their children.
Yes it's like we have been cheated out of something that should have been natural
Me my mother and my grandmother need this book. How sad is that. I'm breaking the cycle though.
Captain Ford same
@@ShawtyMadison Yes!!!
Same too! :)
Ali Godsoe me too
Me too, my mom was raised this way too. I'm 29 and this week I finally fully accepted that my mom is emotionally detached and how it messed up her 2 kids (well 3 but her youngest is her favorite, shows love to and does anything for her son). Once in my life she told me she loves me, ONCE. Bday cards don't count when my dad says it every time he talks to me. I hope those of us who were emotionally neglected, will find healing.
The worst is when she seems very sensitive and caring but she is not able to be present to be with her child emotionally. It makes one feel like going crazy. I wonder if anyone else had this experience :(
Yes!!
I feel like I'm making a huge mistake.
And that she actually IS capable if only I could sing the right tune.
When her wounds are not triggered she seems beyond capable of relating.
But her wounds have a hairtrigger and anything that involves introspection in the context of accountability will close up the hatch immediately.
I feel like she has it in her. She could heal, WITH THE PROPER HELP.
But she "can't" because she lost faith, or never even believed she could in the first place.
That's what makes it so, so sad.
We're asked to throw away a relationship with a beautiful diamond within it.
How are you dealing with it?
Same my mum won’t hurt a fly but never gave me love
Yuppp😞
My exact situation it literally makes you feel crazy
I can’t tell you how hard watching this video is. I have cried my self to sleep so many night bc i don’t feel this comfort.See friends who have these great mother daughter relationship it’s the one thing I wish I could have
Same
exactly
I’m sorry, me too.
Me too
I really wished as well but look now I’m pregnant and she doesn’t even check on me she totally ignore me
it’s it weird that like all i want is a hug, like i get three second hugs but i want a long one where i feel safe and loved
This says it all Sarah 😞
Same here ☹️
I never received hugs
That is why I had 4 children...forced hugs😁. But I don't blame her. She lost 3 siblings...domino effect...life.
It's not weird at all. I hug my satin covered body pillow, it feels like it is hugging back lol. And I also hug trees :)
My mum always makes everything about herself if I ever open up about anything. Last time I opened up I told her I feel so alone and she said “imagine how I feel”. Always I was “overreacting”.
Sounds so much like my Mother. She literally said “imagine how I feel” every single time I told her about something in my life. Everything that ever happened always turned out to be about her and her feelings. And if I ever tried to talk to her about something that happened when I was little she got upset and sarcastically apologized for what a horrible life I had endured.
Sameeeee here
Same. They turn it around to seem like a victim
Yup, same here. It feels like they are always competing to be the one who is worst off.
I'm with you guys. The boomerang mom
my mother is so wrapped up in herself that she isn't able to emotionally support anyone around her, including her children. now, as an adult, it's been really difficult to identify my emotions and form close relationships, but i'm slowly getting better at it
Griffin I am same I tend to over love people and smother them
i hear ya brother
You can make it!!
I hope I can be able to one day connect with people and be there emotionally
Throughout my childhood, my mother told me that I was a cold child that resisted her cuddles. I now know that I probably resisted her cuddles because I sensed something fake in her which repelled me.
Now that I’ve reached the age of 50, I’ve realised that I’m not cold at all. I’m an extremely loving, affectionate parent and a good friend to many people that I’m close to. It was HER that was cold, not me.
Same
Narcs love to *project their 💩* onto you!
Samee
Yes, never thought of this. My attitude towards her is totally different compared to everybody else. I had to put up a front all my life to survive at my own home. This is disgusting.
Why the heck is she so judgemental, not like she's even normal let alone perfect
relatable.
I’m 50 years old - my mom was never emotionally available or affectionate. She still doesn’t hug me. It’s so bizarre. I’m sure she learned it from her mom. I’m just glad I recognize it and haven’t repeated the awful abandonment & neglect.
Sounds like my mom, thank God my son knows what a hug and affection is from me. He also is very respectful has a beautiful lady he married. Thanks for sharing
My Mother was never available to me, I don't remember ever being told I was loved or valued. I tried so hard not to be like that with my daughter, I always told her I loved her, was always there when she wanted something. Now she tells me I was useless, that she doesn't have time (I realise now, she meant for me) we don't speak and my Grandchildren never call.
Please do more videos on this! Emotionally unavailable mothers are so soul destroying later in life.
What if your mom said these “loving” things but you could feel she didn’t mean it or had a motive behind saying it. I remember being hugged by my mom but it made my skin crawl when she did. I just felt gross hearing these things from her, as if she was a wolf in sheeps clothing
Whitney Miller My mom would tell me she loved me during bad fights knowing that I wouldn’t say it back just to give her another reason to scream at me during the fight. I would also feel weird when she hugged me. She only hugged me as a child when I would go on trips or vacations (band camp, visiting a relative), and it made my skin crawl, too. I know exactly what you mean.
That's a covert narcissist and my mom is that too. She always creeped me out and creeped my friends out.
It's because she loved you conditionally on her terms, it sucks and feels so fake.
I had the same experience. My mother is bipolar and a manipulative liar.
I really can't publicly say what I want. Just as a mom who had extensive childhood trauma. People in my family are actually still doing it. Now I worry that I passed on my emotional trauma to my children.
My case is a bit confusing ,my mom was mostly emotionally unavailable but sometimes talked very lovingly and caring making me feel like I'm imagining everything else and she is alright but then she turns and it's literally a never ending cycle .
Same. Lots of emotional unavailability, then showing me off, love bombing, then being ignored for days for some crappy little digression. Inconsistency. Ongoing victim/martyrdom from her
Thank you for putting that into words this is exactly how my mother is and as a 20 year old woman I find that 100% true
Same here😔
Totally relate. I reflect back and remember when my mother was attentive to me and my interests but those moments were so rare but they did stick with me. It’s actually quite sad. 😢
Yes. This.
I had an emotionally unavailable mother and father. That's why I have no relationships.
CJ Owens same here
I have same issue. However, with a lot of inner work, and knowing what to focus on, maybe people can get better, and have a second chance at growing up... if you can identify the frozen blocked areas of your being that happened from past trauma, maybe you can make a recovery by taking actions towards remedying the situation for yourself now??? This is the point I am comming to now...because therapy itself sometimes just doesn't quite do it...
Same
Really try to reprogram your mind...I know it is hard but I believe you deserve better :)
Me too
I can count on 1 hand the number of times my mom hugged me as a kid. I’m 28 years old and truly think I’m struggling more with that today than I ever did in my childhood. Having 4 children myself, I just don’t understand. My children are my world.
I think the lunch lady hugged me more often than my mom did. Because we'd go in her office once a month to pay for lunch for the month, and she'd give every kid a hug. That's 10 hugs a year! Every year!
@@Preservestlandry Yup! It was my teachers for me. I received so much praise and encouragement at school that I dreaded going home to not being good enough and being ignored.
I remember being hugged once! After being stung by a bee and I remember feeling surprised
I was cooking. Mother came up behind me and hugged me. I was very surprised as she NEVER hugged me. Then I realised why. My poncho had caught fire and she put out the flames.
I haven't been able to cry in a long while. This video helped me confront my deep issues. I was always so jealous of girls who were close with their mothers, and I've denied that mine did anything wrong for the longest time. Its time to confront how I feel and accept that my mother was not there for me.
I think my parents were like this, and only during the last years I was able to see this...they provided and cared only for the material things when I was little, for example they were present economically, they always gave me money, and cared for school, grades...but they never talked with me about my emotions, and neither of their own emotions. I was very shy as a child and didn't speak about my emotions, but at the same time I think that my parents were the first that never "teached" me emotions. They seemed worried when I cried, but if I didn't express my emotions (with crying for example) they didn't care. Plus they ignored my positive emotions, didnt played with me etc.
My mom exactly. She cooked clean took me to school but never told me she loved me and was always mean and angry
I can completely relate!
This brought me to tears. I have struggled with this all of my life. I'm still struggling with this. I was lost as a child and I'm lost at 52 years old. My childhood was horrible. I'm having so many emotional issues because of it.
I think there are more out there like us then we realize. I am 46 and feel like this nightmare I've been living in all these years will never, ever end...But just reading through these comments I see just how many of us are living in pain due to our horrible parent(s) and that there is much more who feel just like me ..It's phenomenal and encouraging in many ways, even though it seems to feel so awful.
Parents are an important part of ourselves and having emotional neglectful parents can affect your whole life, thats why is so hard to heal, but having support and going even in little steps is better that ignoring everything, than ignoring our child trapped inside, i hope that one day you can feel better
Daisy girl - I am 62 and discovered 2 years ago that my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD.
Emotional abuse is common with those that have this disorder. It is so painful to have our emotional needs neglected. Take care and good luck in your recovery. : )
LifeIsGood I'm 49...same 😢😢
Same.
My mom was a lousy mom. I planned on never having children as I had a deep down fear of unintentionally turning into her. I had an unexpected surprise and I nurture him the way I wish I was. He's an 11year old mommy's boy. We are inseparable. He also gives me the opportunity to nurture the child within me. He's the best thing to ever happen in my life! 😍🥰
For anyone else dealing with recovery from straight-up bad parenting lol: just know that you will find the love you deserve someday, but first, you need to become the adult you needed when you were young. Be strong for yourself and you'll be able to be strong for others; and that's kind of the point, right? Anyways, yeah it's gonna be hard, but it's so worth it to become who you need/want to be. :)
Yes!!!! And until you take the time to heal yourself, you'll keep unconsciously attracting unhealthy partners. No one external can give you what you need to fill that hole left from childhood trauma (like that caused by an emotionally unavailable mother); only you can do that. But the great news is that it's totally possible for you to learn how to give yourself the love you so desire, and that your future is so bright and beautiful once you learn how to do it!
Mary R so well said I feel so guilty when people are kind to me as not used to it
Being strong for others isn’t a problem. I can help others all day long, which is what I do. Until I can afford therapy, and find a good therapist, I’m kinda screwed.
I’ve still managed to come pretty far on my own, tho. I just don’t think I can get any further by myself. Not everyone gets a happy ending.
I tend to attract super toxic ppl. So I’ve just stopped having close friendships, and am violently single. Being pretty much completely alone (other than when I’m at work) for a couple years helped me get stronger, for sure, and realize a lot more about myself, but I know I can’t, and shouldn’t be alone forever
Mary R thank you for this I needed to hear this ❤️
I thought I was a lesbian .. but I figured out I just craved that feminine motherly affection I never had
WAITTT THIS KINDA EXPLAINS WHAT IM FEELING THANK YOU!!!
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ hugs
omg i've done this
Hate men and women.😒
Exactly the same here!!
I've literally never heard any "good mother messages" from my mom and once when i asked if she loves me, she just said " I buy you everything you want, isn't that enough?" This sentence left me very confused as it actually felt like she never loved me
I seriously dk.
They r sooo fake.. Double standard people.. My parents are the same.. They think just by buying and providing it equals to love😑
There are people out there that never say I love you. She’s not the only one
@@katemiller7874 I think you're missing the point and dismissing her needs. Maybe try showing sympathy and being like "I hear you, that can be hard to not hear and know that your own mother loves you."
This is the "people are starving in Africa" when parents get defensive about their kid not eating their cooking.
My mother was emotionally vacant, for as long as I can remember. I know I'm emotionally detached but I show my children more love and affection than I ever got from her. I always felt worthless because of her, but I refuse to let my kids feel how I did. I tell them everyday that I love them, something I never heard from her. Mothers can really damage you, or make you.
So true Di. It's true for both a mom and a dad. Being a parent and producing a child are not the same thing.
I'm in this situation right now...only three more yrs till I'm an adult and I can leave. honestly though, the entire thing is taking a huge toll on my mental health
Goodness...😔you are not alone...me too..same exact thing.. to the point that ive even imagined the day when she dies if it will feel different /better.. scary thought but its her damage in the making...😥
@@gwendolynbensen8972 ..remember you are not alone....stay focused and positive..trust me the universe WILL for a fact conspire in your favor...you got this babygurl.. !!!💞
my mum never said I love you until I said it and she felt like she had to. It hurts when someone you love deeply doesn't care enough
This made me cry. You've explained what I've felt forever. Maybe it's time I try to heal from my mother... thank you Kati.
Kati, could these issues with my mother cause DID? I'm not sure if I have it or not and I'm trying to understand what could have caused it if it is real... I have very few memories of my childhood so I don't know if I had a big trauma or how bad things really were with my mum when I was young... thanks so much for this video, I've watched it twice and cried both times... ❤️
Rachel Lisa Absolutely. Based on my limited understanding, DID is caused by trauma.
Rachel Lisa it's usually serious trauma at the bottom of DID, however you can get this from long periods of isolation (If you were kept alone and almost completely neglected), long standing completely unattended to mental illness of another kind (PTSD, CPTSD, or another type of dissociative disorder), and in very rare cases it's believed that long periods of emotional abuse could lead to DID. I hope you find out whats up soon and heal x
I thought having an emotionally absent mom was normal, like everyone’s moms were like that. My mom never hugs me, kisses me, uses kind words, says nice things about me, she doesn’t even like it when I touch her.
Until I met by best friend’s mom. She hugged me, used kind words, showed affection towards me. I was a child, but I already knew that it felt different, it felt good to be loved.
Studies have shown that if neglected/abused children have just 1 loving adult in their life it can prevent them from becoming completely damaged adults
I am 29 and this week I finally accepted the truth - that my mom is emotionally unavailable, and that she will not change. Once she told me she loved me, ONCE. I had a dream some years ago, it was a snow storm, we were walking home and I was about 3 yrs old...I was falling behind, and my mom looked behind, stopped for a few seconds then left me. I told her about it, and she laughed. I knew the dream meant abandonment. It's horrible when you're still going through it to this day, but I hope we will all heal one day 💜
Jen H I’m 30 and I just realized that my unloving, mentally ill mother who left my family when I was 9 is the reason I don’t feel good enough, am an anxious person, and afraid of people leaving me. I cut off contact with my mother 10 years ago and haven’t looked back. I just started that book Katie recommended and for the first time I’m optimistic I can heal from this. I hope you find peace with this as well.
what?? As a child I had a recurring dream of our "family" living in a cabin in the woods. It's during a massive snow storm and my mom ups and leave us. I used to wake up crying and petrified but too scared to say anything. Strangely enough the dream was always black and white. I'm 47 now and still remember it like it was yesterday. I wonder what the significance of the snow storm is?
@@xscode3052 'dream moods' is an app I like to use,
"Snowstorm"
To dream about a blizzard suggests you are feeling emotionally cold and fragile. You feel excluded and left out. It may indicate a lack of love and the absence of warmth within your own family circle.
My mom actually did that to me, except it was summer time. I learned from this age that my own safety was on me...keep up with her. A malevolent narcissist is no way to be raised. Fast forward to late 50's..I did the opposite w my kids, but my upbringing did not give me any foundation for life's traumas, went through several more big traumas in my life, ended up w PTSD and now, I have developed Fibromyalgia. Still suffering and still trying to be strong. She is still around and still leaves me empty and hurt and frustrated. Our relationship only consists of what I can do for her..lately not much...feeling too drained and unwell. I relate to how you feel Jen. I am sending you a real motherly hug. My kids are now 31 and almost 27 and I think I learned from day 1 how to be a great mom w/o any examples from her. I felt I needed to break the cycle and believe I have done that. I hope you will also and find ways to self love. 💖
@@xscode3052 I imagine these types of dreams are subconsciously revealing feelings of being unloved, uncared for and abandoned. Sorry to know this..take care of yourself.
Sometimes self soothing takes on a life of its own. I can drink herbal tea all day while listening to soft slow classical piano music. Self soothing is all I'm driven to do.
That’s what i do . It does take on a life of its own I guess acceptance is key
Same ❤️
I was going through postpartum issues & opened up to my mom with tears in my eyes. She looked at me & said,”I dealt with that every night for years when you were a baby & I did it alone.”
So many more stories I could share. But reading through these comments, I can say, I relate to most if not all of you… You are not alone.
I cried Infront of my mother she smirked and continued watching tv. I was crying because I hated my life
& that’s exactly why I don’t talk to her about anything. I’d be dammed. I’d probably fight her💀
Almost Same situation here dear.. They just don't care to watver I say how I feel, even if I'm crying.. It's a joke for them! It's not worth sharing, talking to them.
I knew growing up that there was something inherently wrong with my and my mothers dynamic. It had not occurred to me, that my mother was narcissistic, until now.
I always regarded her as selfish, self centered, verbally abusive, and emotionally detached.
Now, for the first time-I understand.
Exact same. I knew something was wrong.
Yes you do understand A big step. Keep on the road to healing yourself.🙏❤️
Right!! It was always “oh youre so unexpressive” blah blah blah but whenever I did show my emotions it was “you’re so sensitive”
My mom was also emotionally detached and a narcissist, she even put us all in danger and thought only about herself and never her kids, and purposefully married a man who was a convicted child molester and child rapist, who when he was in his early 20's he got 4 years for raping a 9 year old girl, but our mom didn't care about that, and the reason was because he owned his own house and small engine repairs business, so she put our lives and safety on the line 💔
As a mother, I realized that I am making some of the same mistakes that my mother made with me. I am trying to educate my self so I can be there for my kids who are 16 and 13 years old. Thank You for this video! I learned that many parents are ignorant about how they are raising their children and the toxic life cycle keeps going until you break that and learn to be a better parent.
My mom was like this. She would ignore my feelings and tell me to go help myself.
My mother doesn't even cook and what he cooks he makes them with no dedication or love, and he is probably watching other person ,instead of trying to be a good woman to us and a mother ,he is outisde flettering herself
Yes Kati PLEASE talk more about this topic!! I've had an absent father and emotionally abusive/mentally ill/ absent mother and I had no one looking out and taking care of me as a child. Now I struggle a lot but thanks to you and your channel I now have built up a lot of courage so next month I am getting into therapy!
That's amazing, that you're getting into therapy :) Very courageous. I was in the same situation as you described and am now also in therapy for it. It's not easy, but I hope it helps.
Yay! I am so proud of you for getting into therapy :) I know how scary and hard that can be :) I promise it will be worth it!! xoxo I will definitely talk about this topic more!! xoxo
Kati Morton please talk about this. I'm an adult and want to reprogram myself from the effects of my absent parents.
Hanna Jonsson totally hear you.
Hanna, how are you doing? How are you feeling? You are loved!
💙
Anybody else have a super strict mother (for me it was religious) that when you were hurting or got into trouble for something, you couldn't turn to her because you'd just get in trouble with her too?
Mine always tells me I can come to her for support, but all she does is justify all the things that are happening to me and blaming everything on me. She's also religious. I think she gets this toxicity from the church (mormon church)
Everyday. She was not religious. She was a "moralist". Told me if I did everything right I wouldn't have any problems.
Same here. Very strict that I learned to not share everything with her unless it was absolutely necessary. I learned what was safe to share and what to withhold because I knew it would turn into a lecture otherwise. I learned to self validate and not feel the knee jerk reaction to people please.
When I have problems I runway from her, she can smell it and I became a prey!!!! She always demands so much attention and don't give a shit about my feelings!! It's always me me me me!!!! So extremely selfish. I know that she has some psychosis , she puts everything on my back. A dictator!!!
I was the stinky kid. I didn't learn I had to wash or brush my teeth till I was 7 years old when I was sent to fresh air camp. the family I was sent to taught me. I also learned how to sleep in my own room and not be afraid of the dark. 2 weeks of love and family.
That camp sounds lovely. I’m still afraid of the dark 🙈 I was also smelly snotty sick child 🙁💖
Beautiful.
As a child my mother, as well as most of my family, emotionally neglected me. When I became a teenager, my mother has tried to be there for me but whenever i try to talk to her, a few minutes into the conversation it turns into her dumping all of her problems on me. Honestly, its really screwed me up and I'm having a lot of trouble talking about it with my therapist because I'm afraid she's going to ignore what I have to say and only talk about herself. She won't actually do it, I know its an irrational thought, but I can't help it.
Or tell you "I gave you everything!", "why are you crying?!"
Rachel Fourie ....mayhaps she did. She often told me I was too sensitive (as did the rest of my family) and it kinda annoys me because that hurts? Especially since she takes advantage of my sensitivity by sending me to be the one to handle delicate situations like talking to my brothers about abusive girlfriends or my brother about his extreme apathy towards school because I’m sensitive enough to handle it without pushing/scaring them away. But when she hurts MY feelings or I try to call my family out for disregarding other people’s feelings suddenly I’m too sensitive.
@@captainnobody9217 That's called gaslighting, not taking responsibility for themselves, but putting it back on you, and making it your problem because you're supposedly too sensitive.
New therapy ASAP
BRING THIS TO YOUR THERAPIST ASAP, the fact that you are aware of transference is ESSENTIAL to discuss with your therapist. I promise you that this will benefit you in the long run (as a trainee therapist) x x
I was offended when my sister told me I needed a therapist. After watching this video, I realize I need a therapist. Thank you Katie.
There's nothing wrong with that. Do it
Your sister may also need a therapist, maybe doesn’t want to admit she also struggles.
She probably needs one too if you had the same mother...
@Christine Carson
Your sister probably needs therapy as well...
My mom screamed at me all the time. She would tell me how much she hated my dad,then in the next sentence tell me I'm just like him. So I always felt like she hated me.
Same here
I also had “I hate your father more than anyone else in the world, and you’re just like your father”. She stopped saying that when I told her that I didn’t choose my father, she did.
My mother would say, “You’re just like your father,” whenever I did something that offended her. And she would say, “I’m so glad you’re not like your father,” whenever I did something that pleased her. This was in addition to remarks like, “Your father’s evil,” and “He doesn’t love you; he just wants to show you off to his girlfriends .” She never told me that she loved me, even refusing to say it when I asked her directly. I think she was afraid of me as a child because I was going to become a man when I grew up.
Me too. He is a narc tho, which I am not. I kick his ass every time he treats me like he treated her. She never was shown much emotion either from either one of us. Sad life when people don't get help and the problems of their families just keep going from one generation to another.
Oh honey, you mom isn’t just emotionally unavailable, it sounds like she’s also a narcissist. Only a narc could say something that cruel 😢. My father always smeared my mother to me and it really messed me up. He died a lonely man with none of his children having anything to do with him. I just want you to know this is a THEM problem and doesn’t have anything to do with you ❤
Mothers can be emotionally absent while at the same time infusing you with THEIR emotions, which invalidates you as a seperate person. You become the carrier for their overflow so to speak, but when you try to exhibit or self-connect to your own emotions, this threatens the mother and that is when all hell can break loose.
So accurate
They get threaten when you sperate from them
Oh my gosh, this! Thank you for articulating it!
I'm so sad to read so many heartbreaking stories. If anyone needs a mom...I'll be yours :)
Jennifer Micek if only my lovely x
I appreciate the sentiment, but the word "mom" brings too many unpleasant emotions to me for me to want anything to do with one.
Count me in!!!
this comment made me cry
@@lizzychrome7630I agree with you! Feels great to see it in print.
Exactly, like Katie says: "therapy is really hard".
Most people think of it as weak like just 'whining and crying time' and we should 'just be positive and pull ourselves together'.
But it actually is the opposite: people in therapy are the ones who are courageous enough to face their inner demons, where the people who call it weak are the ones who are too afraid to do this.
To everyone struggling: don't give up, there is truth in your heart that can conquer the madness in your mind..! 💛
I'm a 17 year old girl and my mother is emotionally absent, but I always tried to convince myself that there was nothing wrong because there was always a fridge full of food or a new holiday to have. She does a lot for me physically, but never hugs me, or asks how I'm feeling, and often time alone together is awkward. However, I trust a fairly easily and I'm always emotionally available for others. I love letting people in and I always open up about my emotions to my friends. Generally I'm really happy and I love life, but the relationship I have with my mum always ruins my mood. Why do I show these attributes when an emotionally unavailable mother should lead me to disconnect my emotions and fear people getting too close? A lot of the time I imagine that my friends' mothers are my own and I think about the relationship we would have. It makes me really sad since I've only got one mum for my whole life.
She's most likely guilted you by saying: "You've got a roof over your head and food in the cupboard! What more do you want?!" I had the same things said to me. Neglect can definitely be emotional and just as damaging as neglecting basic physical needs. It's just easier to prosecute and visually monitor those who neglect the physical needs of children, so that's why we are conditioned to not see it as neglect. Her gaslighting and deflection of blame is her way of distancing herself from the uncomfortable truth that she didn't do enough. Keep this truth with you but don't try to say this to your mother. The gaslighting will continue if you try to discuss it. You are 19 or 20 years old now. I hope you are doing okay 😊
I forgot to add that the reason why you show empathy and love to others is so others don't feel like you do. I do the exact same thing. I'm determined to not be my mother.
It is sad. You are the way you are because you're trying to get from other people what you can't get from your Mum, affection, kindness, love. I had the exact same situation when I was young. It's very hard. I think finding someone else you can be friends with and confide in, maybe someone else's Mum, maybe your Granny?, is a good idea. But don't waste years, as I did, trying to make things better between you and your Mum, because, sadly, it's unlikely to happen.
I couldn't even get halfway through this video. Crying now. Ugh.
Hope you're still hanging in there...
❤❤❤❤❤
same
I’m 30 years old and I’ve realized the harsh truth that no matter what I do and try to communicate, my own mother is not interested in a relationship. I’ve accepted it but I am still processing the sense of betrayal and with no one to turn to. Very difficult 😢
Same here
I thought its only my mother
My biological mother but she doesn't even want people to know im her daughter
This is where a good therapist can really help. My therapist was the first person ever to tell me that sticking up for myself to my mom was a good thing. Everyone else seemed to think I was just being a pain in the behind. No one can change your mom, but a good therapist can help you see it all in a very different light, and this makes it easier to deal with.
You are not alone 😢
I just turned 42 and I had to conclude this as my reality also… although I have felt this throughout my life coming into acceptance is quite painful. I have no clue after many attempts to get clarity why it is as such. I am grateful to come to realization.
A few months ago I finally confessed to my mother I’ve been suicidal for years but my brother has been the only thing keeping me going. Her first response was do I need to go to a psych ward. That really hurt because for some reason I was hoping she’d talk even though I knew she wouldn’t. Everything described here, my mom does or has done and now I understand why I’m not comfortable at all talking about my feelings.
I know this is a year old post...but...made me sad to read...Do NOT hurt yourself love!!!! Im betting you are such a cool AF person who got ripped off in the parent department. Talk to someone...Hell...talk to me!!!!! You are NOT ALONE!!!! Peace n unconditional love from me xo
My mom is emotionally unavailable and I know there's nothing I can do about it. It's really messed up.
same.
Ditto
Always remember it’s not your fault Beka, you deserve to be loved 🤍
My mother was a product of not being loved, so she couldn't be there for her own children emotionally. She also never recognized her responsibility and blames her children for their faults and insecurities. Just when I think I can go to her, I'm reminded that she cannot "deal" with me and my emotional neediness. Consequently, some of the major relationships in my life have been with narcissists. I've become a magnet.
Carla Farrace,You look gorgeous 🌷🌹,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
Both of my parents were emotionally unavailable, dad completely unavailable. Now mom is in her last days and needs me to be emotionally available for her. I'm feeling really confused right now.
Been there. Don't be too hard on yourself, but do try your best. I wish I had tried harder but I had so much built up resentment that it felt impossible to do what was needed. Fortunately I had an older sister who was better at dealing with the emotional aspects. I felt completely(almost) disconnected from my mom at that point.
Do what you feel you can. I have been there. My mom died two years ago come January, still don't miss her to this day, but I was there for her and took care of her. It was very emotional. I didn't want to, because she had never been there for me, but I had to be compassionate at the end of the day and be there as much as I could. She died with alot of regrets, but no answers how she was and what she put us through. When she died I was thankful. It took me two months of crazy to deal from her damage with no answers, but now I am good. Glad she is gone and no longer has an influence in my life.
WoW, same.. Ppl close to her are passing away and she's getting older.. I have to grapple with either being there for my abuser or being true to myself. Its a difficult internal battle. I feel you.
Be there😇😇
Be there for her pls
Me: you hurt my feelings.
Mom: I don't care about hurting your feelings
My mom's response to me telling her she's hurt my feelings is silent treatment. She "punishes" me. She becomes distant and makes me feel like I don't exist.
😢
Try speaking in ownership terms: “I feel hurt when you say/do _____. I would like _____”. It may not have any effect on a toxic person, but taking ownership like this is better than a “you did this to me.” type of comment, which can put even a healthier person automatically on the defensive.
Ownership: “I feel ______. I would like _____” 👍🙂. Keep trying to stay strong! 💪
OUCH! A parent should care or at least apologise when they lose it an be mean and mocking and unsafe.
@@rusticecho4175 i tried that to my mom , i said you hurt me when you said im a dumb person and she said its true you are dumb . even worse is that she told that to my cousin , she thought i didnt hear it
As a Mom I can't imagine not patting my kids on the back and telling them everything will be ok when they feel sad. I am sorry many of you did not have that. Consider this message a hug and a pat and really.. life gets hard for everybody.. focus on the positive goals in your future... it will be ok! My Mom frustrates me sometimes by making almost everything I talk to her about "All her fault! She messed up! She was just SUCH a bad Mom!" or "She does not remember that.. but I must be 'so abused' then." but she also was there for me many times to hug me and tell me it's ok... I just feel simultaneously gaslighted... so I don't know what to do with that.
I don't think you know that , it's hard really hard to read your sentence without bursting into tears , for my mom her own biological child , in her own words , she said " I should have killed you , when you were young " , that sentence is still there , still coming into nightmare , and I really get jealous when I see someone hugging her mom, or someone mom cooking something for her son , I don't want emotional or physical support , nor do any hugs or kisses , all I want is my mom to talk to me politely for once . And in return my mom could take anything from me , I don't care , anything .
Pls show love to your child , pls , don't make him a broken person like me .
Have a nice day .
@@ishubandhan1749 Not at all saying my desire to hug all the hurt away is going to replace just having your mom care..just that I wish I had that superpower! I do my best for my kids.. I am not perfect but they know they are loved. I hope you find some peace with the pain your mother has caused you.
@@VictoriaGates thank you 💮💮🏵️💐💠
I’m going through the a divorce and I’ve been depressed and anytime I try to talk to my mom because she went through a divorce I’m met with you need to let it go stop crying , and now she’s saying being depressed is for the weak 🥺🥺🥺🥺 I just want her to be there and listen to me
😭😭😭😭😭😞😞😞
literally in a puddle of tears while watching almost every video you've made
This particular video hits me hard so I totally relate.
That sounds so said.
it kind of sucks.
Jixie Dye Why?
My mother is emotionally abusive as well as physically abusive. I've broken contact now for almost a year and I'm starting to finally gather the threads of who I am from the wreckage of who I was and put myself back together again but even now I feel so hurt and angry about how she treated me. I never ever felt loved or accepted as I am. I was always unacceptable, unlovable and basically a freak in her eyes. She took advantage of my disability when it suited her and then mocked me for my disability when she was bored. She wrecked my confidence to the point where it was almost nonexistent and I even tried to commit suicide because she told me things like 'nobody else loves you, just me' and then almost in the same breath she would say 'well I can barely stand you either actually'
If anyone tried to become my friend or hit on me my response would always be 'Don't bother, trust me I'm not worth it' because I felt like a burden to everyone.
Nowadays I think of her and this big ball of hatred wells up in my stomach but I'm going to have to see her again because my brother is getting married. My instinct is to tell my brother I'm not going but I want to be there for him. But I'm terrified.
Katie: “we often snuff out all the emotions and experiences ...”
Me: *learned to dissociate from emotions by 8yrs old* dang called out.
So that's whyyyy😧
I knew something was wrong
What do you mean? 'dissociate'🤔
Both my parents were emotionally unavailable and inconsistent in my life.. which contributed to my recent BPD diagnosis.
I was terrified of telling my mother that I loved her for fear of her reaction.
I cried. This video really was a part of my life. I never remember being hugged or talked to soothingly. I had to be the adult a lot of times. A lot of my past I just remember short bits and pieces, sort of like a commercial. Could you please talk more on this subject? I may not be able to purchase the book. Will you please do a video on the same subject about Fathers? You are a great therapist. I am 56 years old and have gone to therapist. The last one, I left crying and more emotionally worn-out every time.
Thank you
Best of luck sister
I've erased most of my childhood memories so uh... yay for disassociating. I feel guilty for judging my mum though, I love her and when I got sick as a teen she sort of had to be a mother but as a child I didn't really have a proper mother yet as I said I don't remember a lot of it sigh
also, thank you for the work on yourself tip, no wonder my work is going nowhere
+Romy How are you feeling now? I would like to hear how you are...✌
I recall playing sick because I'd finally get "babied"
Romy i have erased a lot too
My mother has been emotionally abusive for all my life to me and my siblings and even my dad. Idk why he's still with her, when I was little I used to just "forgive" her and I wanted her to love me so bad. For the past few years as a teenager and someone who's seen some stuff, I don't want anything from her cause one second she'll be telling me how I ruined her life and the next she'll tell me I'm a blessing. She stabs me in the back and puts a bandaid on it and thinks it'll fix it. So at this point I don't accept any kind of emotional attachment from her. She's not my best friend, she's not my friend, I avoid her at all costs. She may be my mother but she's never been my mom.
Zelda Aclone your mom seems a lot like my mom
Yep. I’m so sorry. I really feel your words
It’s like my mom forgot how to be a mom. She married a man, and lost her way. She became her husbands mom , and I became my brothers mom. I had to cut her off. I’m happy I did
Woah! That’s my mum too. I think she is more of my fathers mum, catering to his emotional needs than mine
My mum used to be loving and kind and 'normal', then she hated me for years and now she's starting to love me again. It's very scary waking up not knowing whether your mums going to love you or not today😴
Naoife Joseph my mom sort of did the same thing. She left when I was eleven and was gone for two and a half years and then walked back in and acted like nothing happened. My mom is sort of unpredictable and illogical in her actions
Naoife Joseph just know that you aren't alone
Naoife Joseph check out narcissistic personality disorder, she might have it.
I've been there. It blows.
Babbling Brook my mom did the same thing
I hate how cold the relationship in between me and my mother has become and it really has been because I feel like I can't express myself fully when I'm around my mother. It's not like she wasn't there for me she did take care of me when I was sick and the such and she would tell me the things mothers would say, but it never felt sincere to me. At one moment when I needed it the most, I was really being troubled by a recent large event in our family's life, she asked me what was wrong, I told her the truth on how I felt about said situation, she then proceeded to shoot my emotions down calling me delusional and telling me that it was my fault I couldn't adapt. I'll never forget that day, it was the last time I was open about most of my inner troubles and worries with my mother and it was a day I was really vulnerable. I started crying halfway into the video, I will definitely follow the tips in the video and try to read the book recommended. Thank you very Kati Morton.
Yes
The fact that she can be caring and sensitive makes it completely impossible to deal with
I am loyal to the core and I don't accept this cut her off nonsense
yet at the same time, I currently see no other way if I want to have a tolerable life myself.
I've tried, and tried, and tried, and it only led to suicidal ideation.
I'm 50 years old and I still don't feel safe expressing my feelings to my mother. I identified this years ago and tried to talk to her about it. She said it's just how she was raised. Her mother was the same way. It never bothered her because grandma showed love in other ways (like providing basic care).
Yes for some it’s generational
More videos on mothers like this please Kati!
The biggest lie we're told is that "all mothers are good". Mine is a covert narcissist that lacks empathy and is self-obsessed.
xxGuItArGiRLxx89 yes ditto
This is SOOOO TRUE and this is ALL of my life. My mother was and is emotionally absent and my grandmother was and is as well. Also, when a boy grows up with unemotional women in his life, he starts to seek out that nuturing feeling from women in relationships, that he never received from the women in his life. I did this and didn't know I was doing this, until I was almost 30 yrs old. This is why I seek for someone to be nurturing and soft and caring, because I never had it at all and Men need this in women.
Damn, I hear you! I am turning 30 and haven’t had a relationship yet, but I feel you on the seeking that nurturing motherly woman in a relatinship because that is exactly how I imagine a relationship to be like for me. Or more specifically that is exactly how I fantasies about relationships, but I really don’t want to put that emotinal burden on a woman, if I actually come into a relationship one day.
Damn same here man
I’m at war with my moma 😤😤it’s up 🆙 I’m not letting nobody get away with treating me like this it’s 🆙
Was your dad emotional absent too?
Women need this too in relationships and from men. Every human needs those things
I'm a guy, I always blamed my father for everything but it was my mother who was never really there for me although she did try to make it look like she was... she never was really there and just would always put an act on. Only today I've learned the truth and I'm already feeling better because now I know what I've been missing. That little thing I always felt like I'm missing. I cannot trust he and she is to blame. I'm finally free this is the first day of my life.i also have to accept that I never had a mother and I never will but that's okay aslong as I move forward and become the person I was ment to be.
Good video Kati, thanks. What about the emotionally unavailable mother (parent) that's warm and generous to everyone else and is thought of as "wonderful" by others? Then those "others" see you as ungrateful or wrong because there's "no way a lovely woman like that" could ever mistreat you and that it must be "your" problem and not hers? Interested to hear what you think.
Many people put on a show for others. It matters not what others think. What happened to you was real and how you feel about it is valid, even if no one "else" can see it. Do what's best for you, and try to ignore anyone else's judgments. People truly only judge based on themselves, and not others. Everything "negative" that each of us does is really all about ourselves and not anyone else that we try to project it onto. So people's judgments aren't actually about you and you don't have to let them hold power over you. The only, only thing that matters is what you think of you, and that you give yourself the unconditional love you so deserve.
+SomethingReallyStrange, I totally know how you feel. And then it's really scary trying to "go against the programming" and express yourself, because what if you just get shut down, told you're wrong, and that it must be something about you, all over again?
I just keep trying to "reprogram" myself and only tell certain things to people I trust to actually listen to me (people who don't know my mom are a great start, heh).
This is the experience with my mother as well. My friends and extended family think she is the nicest lady and she does no wrong. She picked on me growing up and treated my siblings better because they were popular and into sports. I felt like I was crazy for so long because no one in my life has ever stood up for me to my mom or validated my feelings
SomethingReallyStrange I know exactly how you feel. Makes you feel crazy because no one sees it but you.
Hi Alan Funt! Have you checked out NPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Narcissistic mothers have a superficial and fake personality in public, but in private, they are exactly the opposite. Nobody ever knows what happens behind closed doors. Hope this is helpful to you Alan.
this is so needed, I was on the backhand of my mothers depression and schizophrenia throughout most of my childhood, I was the person she thought was conspiring against her with my dad and would call me a nazi. I am so unbelievably damaged by this and struggle every day, I have absolutely no self esteem and am in ongoing recovery from anorexia, I can relate to it making me uncomfortable in relationships, i have pushed many people away due to this and it makes me self sabotage a lot. thank you so much I feel so alone most of the time because it seems like almost everyone else has a brilliant family bond, as an only child I take this strain daily. Thank you for making me feel less alone for once, you are a brilliant therapist and I have gained more from your channel then I have any therapist I've seen in real life.
Jasmine Fl you are not alone
I agree, she is a fantastic therapist and better than pretty much anyone I have seen in my 30 years of on and off therapy.
Read that book and cried through a good chunk of it. Made me really question my relationship with my mother and what it means for me now.
god for so much of my life ( and i just turned 24 ), i always felt such a deep NEED to be hugged/comforted/had my hair stroked etc. my mom does do all this stuff but like, not when it comes to anything emotional or mental if that makes sense. i DO get physical touch from her every now and then. but at a very young age i just learned i had to hold certain stuff back from her and its NEVER felt safe to open up to her about anything emotional. i know its not safe to. i know its not entirely her fault because i know she had a physically/verbally/emotionally abusive mother so she never learned how to handle her own emotions i dont think. lowkey i felt like i emotionally raised myself.
I feel I’ve had to do the same. I’ve done a bad job lol but I had no one else but me to rely on.
Exactly!
Having my daughter healed me from the pain of my childhood. I am the mom to her as I wanted for me.
Uh oh. You’re using your daughter to live vicariously through her. This can go bad, really bad! It might start off as innocent (as I’m sure our parents started out with the best intentions) but ultimately evolve into you yourself being the problematic parent to your daughter and her going on RUclips to learn about how to deal with her mother. Just put the past behind you and realize that your daughter has nothing to do with what happened to you in your childhood. Break the chain because something happened to your mother as well in her childhood which made her act the way she did against you. It’s a vicious cycle!
Stop the cycle and just start fresh. Forget about what happened in the past and live in the now and look toward the future with your daughter. Don’t involve your daughter in whatever internal struggles you’re going through with your mother. It’s not fair. When you try to give everything to your daughter that you never got from your mother, and your daughter doesn’t respond grateful for all the things you’ve done for her. When you realize she doesn’t give a sh*t about how good she has it compared to your childhood and all the things you’ve done for her and are doing for her etc. When you see her act like a normal teen. Disliking you just because she’s a teen (that awkward phase). Not wanting you all up in her grill etc. You might misinterpret that as the ultimate betrayal and try to get back at her. Human beings can get that way.
This is exactly how your mother became that way. She felt like, “if only she knew what I went through, she would kiss my feet for all the things I’ve done for her.” So this is exactly how you’re going to become your mother. Just stop. Forget about your childhood. Get over it. It’s done. It’s over. Don’t do this to that child! She’s a whole new person who wasn’t even alive when those things happened to you. You could have the best intentions and it can turn around and blow up in your face when she doesn’t return the love and share the gratitude. Just start all over with her and forget about the past. What matters is today.
Same.
All my mom cares about is her phone & friends... plus she show’s favoritism to my older sisters and youngest brother..... I cry everyday, I hate myself, i have anxiety, I have reallly low self esteem, and when I try to talk to her about my feelings she blows me off, with everything going on in the world I just want to live and the same house and be a family and talk( my house doesn’t feel like a home) or play games, but it’s been the same routine of me just crying & hating myself every single day.
I am so sorry your Mom doesn't see you. You are beautiful and valuable and enough just how you are. I am so sad no one in your family sees how precious you are. Still, you are extremely and infinitely precious.
Yu hate yourself girl? But your comment actually shown me a light, towards my next step, I am gonna break the cycle of the abuse now, I sacrificed myself for them 8years, yet they treats me very horribly
In spiritual journey, you are supposed to be compassionate to each and every other, that's what i did all my young age,but see how everyone thinks it was all my fault, anyways allah is watching it all, I cannot be hard hearted with anyone but this time, I will not have no emotions at all towards them ,but deep inside that's not who you are, how hurtful these things are!
No honey don’t hate yourself. You will go on and have a beautiful life.
I never got anyone who said " don't worry ! It will be ok " ... Lucky are dos who have heard it being said to em genuinely.
I have found (i'm 18) that I end up subconsciously finding a mother figure elsewhere, which made me see this in a teacher and also sometimes when i'm watching my favorite tv shows and there is a strong female lead like SVU. It made me realize that I have attachment issues because of my mum i guess.
Mum was there in my life, She just has mental illnesses
MynameisJessie me too
I think that's a healthy way for us who have gone without a healthy mother to respond, by finding other women who are loving, kind, supportive and role models to us. Even admiring strong, smart women actresses is a good thing..Please don't see that as being wrong or bad.
I've always had problems with my mom, she was emotionally abusive, rageful, unavailable and only conditionally loving among other things, so I started searching for maternal figures putside of home. I found one in my former English teacher, from her I felt the validation I needed, I felt that she was proud of me and I trusted her more than my mom. I was devastated when she changed schools and didn't teach me anymore, thw first couple weeks almost felt like grieving. I still get huge adrenaline rushes and a skipping heart beat when I see her in the streets, I don't think I'm over her. She was the perfect example on what my actual mother couldn't be.
My mother conveniently does not anything that she did or did not do from my childhood. She is toxic, therefore I feel better never seeing or talking to her. I feel better since I broke away, but I am still in therapy, although always improving! 😊
I found these out yesterday. As a 22 year old it blew my mind thats so many people re going through the exact same thing as me! This gives me courage to get out asap. Thank you so much
i need a video on overbearing, controling, too strict dads. imagine that and an emotionally unavailable mom. im screwed
My parents are just as you describe yours!!! ✨we need therapy lol.
Me too. You can heal. I’ve come a long way.
Mom/stepdad addiction
Dad alcoholic
Dad screamed at me when I cry, still now when I want to cry I get migraines bc it’s like I’m still today at 24 I have to make myself cry and remind myself I’m allowed to.
I’m so sorry! We got this ❤️❤️❤️ only stronger in the end.
This was my life. If my dad told me to be home at 9 and i was 5 minutes late i got into so much trouble. it always made me so upset especially when this was back when I couldn't drive so it wasn't me making myself late.
Wow, I've been good-mothering myself without even knowing it. watching favorite movies is the best!!
I fell in love with friends and men as I wanted them to mother me
Wow that hit deep. Same here.
Same here!! I detached from people all together when I realized I would attach to them and view them in unhealthy ways and be so vulnerable that I would get hurt!! I shut down !
Same 💔 . Everything is gonna be ok for us tho ❤️
Hello, same issue. How do I recover from this
Even I did the same!
Honestly these types of videos make me feel like crap cuz I start to realize just how crappy things are so,I generally avoid these. But it’s nice to see people care about those in need and do what they can to help them.
Thanks. Kids learn to self soothe and raise themselves in such families, become independent and self reliant however, they have limited coping skills that can affect them later on in life.
I had distracted parents, consequences made me feel invisable, unlovable or not enough.
As an adult I saw my friends treat their kids so well, were protected and comforted. Have to wonder why people have kids when they dont really want to raise them.
oh my god I cried through the entirety of this video.
I'm glad to know that I'm allowed to "give up" trying to have a relationship with a toxic mother because it's so so so damaging that I'm still reliving and suffering through the trauma even to this day.
someday I believe I will make it out of here.
and you will too.
sending all my love, as always
Boy, almost fifty years ago I called my mother a bitch under my breath at the dinner table and all hell broke loose. On the most superficial level it was obviously wrong, but I'm not even sure it was a conscious decision. I remember feeling so conflicted, without even knowing why. But looking back, all these years later, I realize that was the most honest and authentic moment of my childhood.
Almost 50 years ago I did the very same thing to my mom… she slapped me across the face and yelled for my father to get in there and teach me a lesson. He told me to never call her that again. I said “well she is” and he said quietly, “I know but there’s nothing we can do about that”
@@DJ-nh6wqI’m sorry, the end made me chuckle a bit 😉
Wow. I could have written this. When I was a small child, my mother made me take a shower to go to bed. I wanted to watch TV and she insisted. While there (with the door closed) I called her a bitch. The next thing I knew, I was being wrenched out of the shower and pushed onto the hall floor where she proceeded to beat me. My "ever helpful" father appeared over her should and said, "Jean, you're going to kill her". No move to stop her or push her away, just a cautious mention. So she stopped and I was sent to bed. She later appeared and apologized, sort of. But she beat me all my life, even as I entered high school. My older brother was never hit and my younger brother was excused when he was too big, but I keep on getting the belt. As I've aged, I've reflected on why my life is so horrible and why I am alone. I've also replayed that incident in my head and decided that my father had probably told my mother that I could tell others about the incident, hence the apology. He never was much use as intervention and as a teenager, his only intervention came as a "Tell your mother you'll do what she says", no matter what the argument was about. It wasn't just her. I had two horrible parents and I work to try to give myself a break about what my life has and hasn't been. It's horrible.