Your Parents Are Emotionally Immature
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- Опубликовано: 12 июн 2019
- How can you deal with emotionally immature parent?
I would define an emotionally immature parent as someone who lacks the emotional development needed to recognize how they feel, be okay with it, and move onto parenting their child. Emotionally immature parents get hung up on their own experience, and are unable to really be there for their children. In many ways I can see this overlapping with emotionally unavailable parents, because if they can’t handle regular life emotions, how can they emotionally support their children?
Emotionally Unavailable Mother:
• Emotionally Unavailabl...
Emotionally Unavailable Father:
• Healing From An Emotio...
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Emotionally Unavailable Mother:
ruclips.net/video/kLjD7wsDq3E/видео.html
Emotionally Unavailable Father:
ruclips.net/video/q8pAGS2VH3Q/видео.html
Do you have anything regarding Parental Alienation? And the damage it can cause. Because some of the tactics used in alienating seem to follow along with some of the manipulation mentioned here.
danityjo question, is that the same as gaslighting?
@@megan7030 no, it's when one parent manipulates a child to hate the other parent by making them feel they have to choose or hurt a parent for loving the other parent.
Megan Ck out Kati’s video on Gaslighting for more details! ruclips.net/video/3O3ZQPezglQ/видео.html
danityjo that happened to me :(. My mom coached us on what to say to the therapist so she’d get custody during the divorce. And she turned us against our dad. Sorry you experienced that. I hope your have a good relationship with your other parent now
As a kid I always wanted my mum to say something like, "Come on, let's sit down. Tell me what's bothering you and we can solve it together." But if I ever did share a problem I was told that her problems were much bigger than mine.
Solemnis same.
Did it stay that way forever? People say you understand your parents better when you have children but some things are genuinely mistakes. Asking because I'm young and going through the same thing.
Exactly. "You don't know how good you have it, when I was your age I had to suffer through x,y, and z"
Ok, well this isn't your time, this is me just telling you how I feel and somehow you're making it about you. Next time I won't bother telling you how I feel.
Solemnis FACTS
Some mothers are dicks.
This entire video perfectly describes my mother's personality. Some people don't deserve to be parents. Bad parents subconsciously groom their children to stay in abusive relationships with people.🤦🏼
Meh my parents degrade respect for the sons and daughters it's reverse instead of what it should be hand in hand mutual ground from both sides!
So spot on. I am sure if people tried to be emotionally healthy before having children we would be living in a heaven like world.
@@hudaigul1703 it's a cruel joke that people are physically able to sexually reproduce long before they are emotionally mature enough to be parents.
A whisper of Patricia I completely agree. I wish everyone wasn’t capable of being parents.
I'd appreciate parenting class, since my insurance is required to pay for hospital and anything my child needs medically up to age 25 it would be quite economical.
"Set healthy emotional boundaries"
Cool, that's me staying in my room all day with minimal interactions with my parents.
*door slams open* aaaaaand there goes my sanity for the day
Exactly!
Same...
Well what have you got to lose? Show them this video and tell them your in pain. At this point a hail mary sounds justified.
SAME WTF
@@alexanderx3554 they will make an excuse for why they have to watch this and take everything that makes us happy afterwards... narcissists...
I remember being called "disrespectul" or "dramatic" by my mom every time I tried to defend myself from her hurtfull comments. I think the worst part of emotionally immature or neglectfull parents is that we as children CAN'T PROTECT OURSELVES from their behaviour and it damage us deeply.
Yes, and sometimes it is so fucking hard.
Yes, my mom also called me those names and more. I was told often how over sensitive I am, how dramatic I am, how ungrateful I am. It sucks.
That's right. A spouse can leave, but a child has no way out.
@@daniielluh My mother stood in my bedroom doorway, and said to me, "you're a lazy whore and a lazy slut" because I didn't want her housework dumped on me. This to a 15 year old who was not allowed to answer back. She was going to have me put in reform school, made a ward of the court, put me in the crazy house, or just dump me on the street. All over house work. Luckily a relative let me come and live with them.
I think that’s why so many narcissistic people love to have children, because they’re the most vulnerable
Would this also include being called disrespectful for calmly, privately expressing an opinion different than theirs?
Yes this applies to this topic.
I always felt like the adult in the relationship with my mother, she would provoke fights with people and I would have to apologize to people for her atrocious behavior.
That's exactly it, emotional immaturity is rampant.
Why do you think professors cater to all those whiny, spoiled brats at universities...
The role of the guide of young minds is to show them how to better themselves, grow, evolve...
Not encourage their base, baby-like tendencies!
That's the fastest lane down society destruction road...
I get called "condescending" a lot
❤️
It sucks when your parents are controlling, strict, manipulative, and emotionally immature :(
lol same tho
sucks.
Ugh, same dude
Imagine being 43 and having to live with your mom who's like that.
Seriously
My mom: "Come on, I am tired of you being so immature. Take care of your own self for once. Your 17 and you act like you are three."
Also my mom: **refuses to let me make a single decision on my own and has a temper tantrum when I have a differing opinion than her and refuses to compromise on anything**
Run for your life if u turn 18 get a job and make money to move out
Wait till you move out then it'll probably be "why do you never come around, I miss you, you always have a place to stay here!" Just don't fall for the mind games because that is all narcissists do.
@@shakurwonders5216 I totally agree with this, also if you can take care of yourself (have enough money to get food and a place to stay), just cut contacts with controlling parents and don't let them 'blame & shame' you back into their control. It's hard but worth it.
@@shakurwonders5216 I did that and when I was older i realized my grandparents neglected her and deep down in her childhood shes the same scared lonely little kid I was
YUP
Emotionally immature parents don’t get better. You have to grieve the relationship you thought you had (or that you thought would come later) and accept that they will always be childish, and just look for adults elsewhere.
You are right and unless they want to change they won’t and most likely they will not especially if they are older because they don’t see anything wrong sometimes you have to let go and disconnect
Dam .. "You have to grieve the relationship you thought you had" hit close, I r'lly thought my parents were great 'til I grew up
I've learned to distance myself from my emotionally immature mother. I miss her a lot, but she's always been that way and I wish I could have a normal relationship with her.
LeaAnne94 sending hugs, I can empathise with you here. You’re better off distance between you, you can learn and grow and address the deficits you experienced in your childhood experience. Wishing you the best, you’re incredibly brave! ❤️
@@BethGreenwood thank you. It's hard to see my friends have such great relationships with their parents because I've never really had that.
Same thing here, for me, LeaAnne. It's sad, and it really stinks, but while I will always love her, I definitely don't have to like her. I'm at the point in my life where I don't have the ability to give any more of my energy to people like her, and I'm better off permanently distancing myself. I wish you all the best with your 'Mom struggles' 🍀
LeaAnne94 I feel this way about my father
I have the same issue but I also don't have a dad and I don't want my mom to be left all alone with me acting as an as*hole. So what should I do? Any recommendations welcome please
how does this therapist know my mother personally? odd
because sadly, many children have had emotionally immature parents. because of their parents, people may not be able to properly develop emotional maturity. and the cycle continues.
She also knows my father, that's weird😂😢
Lukas S. Mine to bud
@@zacharydunning6477 that's kinda sad, bru😅😂
Because she is a psychologist?
Imagine our parents coming in here and going, “ohhh so this is where you come together to bash me!” 🤣
Abdelkarim Karim 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Nailed it.
A mature and loving parent wouldn't take this as bashing, but as a lesson to be more supportive and a better role model for their children.😔❤️
yeh and then hey would harp on about how I always imply they're a "monster" and a "bad parent" like yeah you were and still kinda are a bad parent, it's not an insult it's straight facts.
@@mollymalone2838 you hit the nail on the head right there. they'd probably watch this thinking that this is the problem the child has. they have no self-awareness.
I understand the whole "You'll understand when you're an adult" arguement, but it only made me realize how messed up my situation was and how emotionally neglectful and/or abusive my family was.
If only I had a dollar for each time they’ve said “wait until you’re older. You’ll understand then.” I’d be laughing on my way to the bank.
"You'll understand when you're an adult is their way of saying, "there is no logical reason, it's just what I want, so I will tell you this to make you shut up". They know that an intelligent kid would understand if they would just state the reason.
After watching this video, I realized that I'm emotionally immature. Thank you for helping me gain this insight.
I feel so bad because I realized that sometimes I'm like this to my best friend and now I feel so terrible that I treated her like that.
I watched this thinking it might apply to my spouse but somethings really seemed to apply to me also. Fortunately I do have a therapist to bring this up with.
Of course!! I hope just learning more about it and maybe taking some time to figure out why you are acting like that will be helpful :) xoxo
same
Me too im like this its kind of hard to deal with its kind of like i black out but still know what im doing but cant stop it and i feel bad after i make my girlfriend feel bad
Cutting my family out was the best thing I ever did.
Thank you so much for sharing! I am sorry you had to go through that, but so glad you feel better as a result :) xoxo
Kati Morton thanks Kati 💖
Did the same 2 months ago at the age of 29...
Should've done it years ago... I could've saved myself so much unnecessary suffering.
how do i do that if i still live with them as a teen :(
@@riell.4021 learn, plan, endure!
You are the master of your life.
My big brother wanted to move out of our home at 14, but didn't have a way out.
So he started planing. He decided on a career, although it wasn't his passion at all and learned as much as he could, so at the age of 19, soon after his graduation, he found a job, moved out and never looked back.
I did the exact same thing, although I did it at 22, because the damage on me was worse...
It is going to be tough as hell, but if you stick to a solid plan, nothing would be worse than enduring parental toxicity!
You can do it, I am sure of that!
I know that as a teen, I do have faults, but it's IMPOSSIBLE that everything is my fault... Yet, I'm blamed for everything by my parents, and definitely not in a soft voice or kind words
It blows, I know but hang in there amigo and things will get better. You can be whoever you want to be if you set your mind to it. You are not your parents, your parents are not you
You choose who your family is. Build a new one.
I’m so sorry you’re made out to be the scapegoat, it’s a tough role. Hope things get better sooner than later, Take care 💕
I'm almost 30 and free of them, my parents would blame me for EVERYTHING growing up (even the time a burglar got in our house ☠) Anyways, you are not crazy for feeling what your are feeling, you are valid and you will be free 🤍 hang in there
There's no reason to shout at your kids honey. I hope things have improved for you.
1. They always blame others for anything that goes wrong or upsets them, and are unble to see their own role in it.
2. You were a parentified child.
3. They are attention seeking.
4. They dont have many close friends, and if they do those relationships usually dont last very long.
5. They are super sensitive to any hurtful thing done or said to them.
Fits my parents (especially my mother) to a T!!!
My mom is emotionally neglecting, I just don't want to be become like her
m j Same
Same here it really messed me up never fully recovered
Unfortunately My mother harshly criticizes me because my behavior is the polar opposite of hers.
Both my parents are emotionally immature and neglecting. I wish I had a different family or just never been born to begin with. I have a shit load of mental health issues because of them and my siblings
@@vl2663 this is exactly how I've been feeling lately.
This remind me so much of my mom. She was always throwing tantrums and talking about how her life is so bad because of others, even if I know she was also responsible. However, if me or my sisters are going through problems, she is completely insensitive. She says things like, “that’s life” or “toughen up”. But if she’s going through something she expects everyone to stop what they’re doing and bend over backwards to help her. She literally acts like a 4 year old.
I was looking for this comment! I've been trying to figure out what it is that I dont like about my mom. Everytime I watch videos about toxic parents it it doesn't really describe her. I noticed she acts like a child when my dad is around. Throughout my childhood sometimes when I simply look at her or hear her talk I get extremely annoyed, i just want her to shut up. I realized that cant be normal right? But I'm thinking she just is emotionally immature, she demands attention in obnoxious ways.....she will slam shit around make these loud sighing noises, and just go off and be angry for no damn reason. The worst part is I am starting to see these traits in myself. I don't want to be like that. I'm just confused like I dont know why I dont like her but at the same time......
That’s almost exactly my mom too. It’s crazy
@@shannonstewart5122 me toooooo we can fight this and become better we dont have to end up like them sis
@@shannonstewart5122 god in a strange way it feels like such a relief to read these... only because I felt like I was going crazy wondering if I'm just hypersensitive to how she behaves. on the other hand it's upsetting to think that there are so many parents like this and so many people suffer because of it :(
So familiar...
Im used to comforting myself when I cry....
Me, yesterday, I had to hug my inner child because I got hurt again by my mom. It was supposed to be a fun tripped but I felt rushed.
I don't cry
@@Ollie-w8g omfg same!!!! i didn't realize until my ADULT friendships that comforting eachother is actually a normal part of relating with another human!!!! fucking emotional stunted r*tard parents had me completely confused about what relationships were about my whole damn life!!!!
@@wendym6272 Are you raising yourself?
The parentified child thing really hit me. I started to struggle with mental health issues as a teen (around 14) and never told my parents because I knew they couldn't handle it or know how to help me and would just get upset. I always had food and all the necessary things I needed growing up, but never got any emotional support throughout my teens when I was really struggling with depression and bad anxiety.
I'm now 25 and never dated anyone, I have a hard time connecting with a lot of people on a deeper level because I've gone through so many mental health issues and also on top of that dealt with a chronic autoimmune condition since my late teens. Most people think I'm being difficult because I need to cancel plans due to pain or if my anxiety/depression causes me to be a bit of a "downer" sometimes :/ I've just had to survive a lot of shit that most people my age haven't yet and I do feel kind of "old" a lot of the time and get bored with things many young people are into like partying, dating or focusing on their appearance. When you've been very mentally and physically ill you start to care less about many things and not take your health for granted (my grandma was right all along) :,)
i can relate to this a lot
Oh my god you just described me in the first paragraph. I'm immensely grateful to you for helping me protect my sanity. Thank you so much for sharing.
My mom was similar too and it’s twice as hard when’s she’s older and she’s getting a bit more aggressive and is overly protective
Same age , same problems , wow I'm shocked almost anything you said I'm struggling with
wow same
I am fond of saying “If you could have that conversation with them, you wouldn’t have to have that conversation with them.” 🤷🏻♀️
Nicole Sallee thanks
Yes. You hit the nail on the head. Because they call for familial conversations to talk about their feelings and their needs and to guess your feelings.
Nicole Sallee , true. Funny way to look at it, but true.😊
Ooof. Truthbomb.
For real! 👏
Before I figured out what was going on with my parents, a good friend of theirs told me the best way to deal with them is to keep everything surface level, don't give them any information - basically just talk about the weather. And also, drop everything that is a problem because they aren't capable of resolution. That wasn't going to work for me.
100% true
100% true
I love that advice
I do the same
Omg this is so true, talking to them about problems is like making the problem 10x
I have learned not to talk to my mom when I need validation. It seems like she is never on my side because her way of "helping" is to find something to criticize me about and basically tell me I need to work harder.
I stopped talking to my mother about anything by the time I turned 15 because whenever I came to her looking for advice she would shame and criticize me. Now she is confused why I don’t tell her anything. Parents like this are so unaware and clueless
My mom would always come down stairs to talk to me after a fight with my dad and cry to me about there problems and would insult me if I didn't fix her problems it started when I turned six SIX!!!
😥😥😥 omg I can't imagine what you have been through.
Crap a lot of crap
Mine too
omg same wow
Me too. I was 5.
You're such an animated speaker that it almost feels like your talking directly to me instead of to an audiance. Right, everyone?
no no agreed.
She's great!
Totally!
She’s an incredibly talented speaker!
Deff 😍
You're literally talking about my mother. Wow just wow.
Hayley Terraine same here, I’m honestly thinking of sending this to her.
Yeah same here, but sadly most parents can’t even see their own actions
Literally same OMG this is crazy and also kind of a bummer 😕 welp time to start “grieving” 🤷🏻♂️
Why is everyone's mother's super immature lol. Like, my dad is an angel, and my mom is just... Difficult. I swear up and down that I will either never have kids or never be like my mom
Seriously, first point and she's already talking about my mother.
@@mariamacruz107 That's because they're narcissists.😐
This is my father. He's like this because he's emotionally stunted in childhood trauma. His temper is insane & growing up, he lashed out basically everyday but my emotions were unreasonable, made up, intolerable, stupid etc. He is what he is. Therapy has helped me understand I have to just move on & expect nothing from him including the healing I want.
Can you give me suggestion my father is also emotionally imature
@@emilygrande7536 A suggestion about what specifically?
Clicked the video to get validation for growing up with emotionally immature parents and then I felt a sinking feeling during the video when i realized I have a lot of emotional immaturity myself. It’s hard to be emotionally mature when emotional immaturity was modeled to you growing up, so anyone in the same boat, I’m proud of you for recognizing your own shortcomings and learning how to do better 💕 thanks for the video, you always cover such important topics that help so much
This 🙌 We're all in this together. I felt validated but also had the same sinking feeling while watching the video. I'm proud of all of us for acknowledging our own emotional immaturity and striving to become better than what was modeled to us growing up.
Proud of you too❤we can do this!
Emotionally immature parents are also traumatized children. I've had to cut off from my adopted-family because when I put up boundaries, I was blamed. On the other side, I have some of these qualities too, because we must remember that the emotionally immature parent is parenting how to deal with our own emotions, so as children we are parenting, but then when we grow up, we have no idea how to control our own emotions and lash out - exhibiting the same characteristics. Thank you for this video!
This is why it’s so important for people to get help when they recognize they have trauma, especially when you are a parent. I grew up with narcissistic and abusive parents and have dealt with the consequences emotionally, and now as a mother I notice certain things in myself when my emotions are out of control(not even close to the extent of my parents because I’m aware). The difference between myself and my parents is that I go to therapy, got a degree in psych and continue to grow and improve on myself for my son. My parents are in complete denial of the pain they caused and in denial of their own traumas and refuse that they need help. This is where most of the damage had occurred for me because if my parents were genuinely sorry and worked on themselves, then so much of that pain could’ve been healed. I think the important thing is that you try, really hard despite your trauma.
Very true Elena, I think we should look at their background too and just stop judging them. But try and stay on the safe Zone with them.
wow the fact that my parents are going to be like this their whole life rlly hurts :/
Yes, they are unhappy and can't get past it.
Yes, they will, but that doesn't mean they have to hurt you directly.
As you grow older, that will be a choice.
A lot of these signs overlap with narcissism. Having a mother who displays 4 out of 5 of these, I'd say another sign is the opposite of parentification--infantilization, that is, your parent wanting to do everything for you. It's especially difficult to break of this, because it's nice to have people do things for you, so it's difficult to be motivated to start doing them for yourself.
It is the worst when it is your own parents.
My parents are emotionally immature and now I am too. My life is a mess. No close friends, no significant other, and the relationships I did have were all very harmful. I'm very lonely. I was diagnosed with bpd last year and I've been doing a lot of therapy ever since, and I've faced a lot of really hard truths about myself. I feel like I may have narcissistic traits as well. I'm so sad that things turned out this way, I really wanted better for myself, especially after all the years of abuse I suffered growing up. At 32 I feel like maybe it's too late now. I'm heartbroken.
Laura Mackenzie the fact that you are working on yourself to make better choices is worth credit
It's never too late. Do not give up on yourself.
Im in a similar scenario hang in there
You said "wanted better" for yourself but it is clear you still want better for yourself now and it sounds like you are moving in the right direction. Keep up the good work, and i hope you are encouraged to keep on healing and growing. I feel similarly about myself.
It is never too late. Realising all the things that you have listed above is one of the hardest parts, IMO.
You are already on your journey to having new and better relationships. Even though it may take some time. ❤
*I just knew there was something about my parents, but I just couldn’t describe their actions. This is it.*
They didn’t really care about me, ask about my day without a *fight about their day.* Thank you so much for your videos, I really want to see a therapist when I can.
You should do it!! I have a very emotionally immature dad, but I’ve done a ton of therapy. And if nothing else, it really helped me a lot with processing my childhood with my dad. I went from crying and being so stressed out every time I saw him to now just casually grabbing lunch with him every few months and keeping things light and casual. (Having autonomy and independence helps a lot too). Being able to thoroughly explain what he’s like to someone and be understood and validated was invaluable.
That sounds amazing! This is my goal
Just like mine too
@@lionalesso2770 lies parents can be far worse, just because you have authority doesn't mean you should abuse it
@@lionalesso2770 Chronological /bilogical maturity as in simply being older does not necessarily equate with healthy emotional maturity.
Every time I try to bring up something that hurt me I get hit with “well let’s put everything my parents did wrong next to everything I did wrong” or “when your a parent you’ll understand” and they just refuse to work on anything
They react shamefully/defensively any time you offer any kind of constructive criticism. It is exhausting.
I'm 29 years old and only just realised that the last time my mom hugged me was when I gave birth to my son 11 years ago. The only time she said she loved me was on social media posts, never in real life.
I tell my son I love him every morning before school and every night before bed. It's really not that hard.
THIS . I was a parentified child . This makes so much sense . I’ve been too so many therapy sessions and could not put my finger on it .
I been a parentified child since the afe of 13. I had to apologize for my mother's terrible behavior on several occasions.
i was also parentified. i was thinking i was SO much more mature than others with their needs. in reality i was just jealous.
Me too I had to raise my 2 brothers cause in my mother's words she wasn't ready to be a parent.
@@piiinkDeluxe How did you handle your parent or parents having tantrums?
I seriously can't handle it anymore
I don't know how to teach her how to do stuff like cleaning her spit from the floor (she spits on my rooms floor when she sneezes) or saying that she is going to the bathroom instead of saying that she is going to peepee or poopoo in a loud high pitch voice or how to spent money right (we are REALLY tight on money this month and I am constantly trying to stop her from buying things that we dont need)
I don't know how to get her to listen. Usually parents have enough power over their child to put them in their room or take their phone away or something but I can't do any of those. None of the videos are helping me deal with her tantrums and I seriously don't know what to do anymore
We have questions and Kati gives answers, without even knowing we have questions... magic⭐
Elzanie Vorster right?!
Awe I am so glad! I hope the video was helpful :) xoxo
Seriously!!! This video was ridiculously helpful
Omg yea 😱
I just want my parents to listen to my feelings and comfort me instead of ignoring and screaming at me, I often feel alone and depressed. They are also incredibly immature and often get in big fights were there is sometimes physical damage, anyone else?
Same. This is so hard because I grew up "tough". I grew up not caring about my relationship with my parents at all. I know they love me and that's enough. No need for emotional support or what. But as I heal and learn more about interrelationships.. well, I 'fell in love' with a girl and questioned it because I thought I was straight. And as I continue to dig deeper to find answers, I realized how starved I was of love and attention from my parents that's why when someone gave those love and attention to me, I thought I fell in love with them but actually it's a repressed desire from childhood that was satiated so it has 'awaken'. After realizing all that and still have unhealthy relationships and connection that I have a hard time to control, I knew I needed to face this. But it hurts to know that they might never be able give what I need. Especially now that I've also cut ties with my friends who also can never give what I need. (They're only my friends because I'm like a therapist to them.) I feel so alone.
You are not alone, I've had to deal with it for 22 years.
Yes
It was completely insane
However I always minimized it because I believed that "on average" we were still a pretty healthy family. Other families would have much more serious abuses. Mine never escalated beyond occasional flathanded hitting, and that seemed like "reasonably insane" at the time.
Mom: * breaks a dish*
Mom:” it’s all because of you. Nobody is helping me “
Me:🙄
Awful
I guess my mom suffered flashbacks when breaking dishes
Her eyes like deer in the headlights as if the world had ended
I'd hazard a guess that her mom took it out on her similar to how you described your mom@you
MOMS BE LIKE: YOU NEVER HELP ME
Same here
"they're only able to see their side" it is true, I've tried so much into making them see beyond their golden prison but it's impossible
I feel the same. Also I feel like she doesn't even hear my needs and my side about past events that I felt she provoked me
@@mandolaa4855 don't let all this mess you up, you don't need anyone else's agreement to validate your experience, heal by yourself for yourself and it will soon be just an absurd memory.
@@baptm727 thank you for you advice! Unfortunately, now my healing is delayed because of the environment I am, due to the quarantine. Eventually, I hope to get free from here and be on my own
I used to spend so much time and energy defending or explaining myself. It would sent me further into frustration.
Reading "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" and "Running on Empty: Childhood Emotional Neglect" helped me out, along with this video.
If you were emotionally neglected and manipulated growing up, clap your hands :'^) 👏👏👏
👏👏👏
Clap Clap
I’m about to cry my mother has always been weird and ive been so frustrated and she meets every single red flag that she has mentioned in this video. My eyes are finally opened
Man this is what my adopted mom was. I felt like I was raising her. She would laugh at me if I would have gotten hurt.
Ugh I am so sorry you had to go through that :( I hope the video was somewhat helpful xoxo
Same here with my mom. It’s as if they are the only ones allowed to feel pain and frustration, but we were expected to be tough and handle hardships. Completely hypocritical and insensitive.
@@Katimorton thank u. These videos do help me out more than you know. I have done emdr. I have my last session tomorrow but i have had been writing in my journal. The one letter i wrote was to my 8 year old self.
Rachel Heflin so sad Adoption is supposed to help children
That is literally the EXACT same thing I had i just had a breakdown 2 hrs ago it was bad my mother just cussed me out and laughed at me ...
It seems kinda hard to set emotional boundaries or simply have a cold relationship with a parent... You still need to live with them or rely on them, with money or simply a pick-up with the car
shit same dude
Just have goals to move out so when the time comes you're ready
Something i always have to say to my parents is 'just because you are my parent doesn't mean i HAVE to automatically respect you, respect is something you earn by respecting others, not by simply saying i'm your parent and you have to respect me even if i don't respect you'
How do they respond ?
I try to open up to my parents about how i feel, they said im emotionally aggressive. Now I understand they’re just “emotionally immature”to even comprehend what i want to say to them. It’s such a release to hear all this. Thank you so much for making this video!
This is it! I don’t feel like my parents are full blown narcissists or have evil intentions, but couldn’t pinpoint why they were always so difficult during my childhood. Literally all these red flags apply to my relationship with both of them lol. So glad you made this video.
See my Mother seems emotionally immature with me but can hold it together with others.
What makes me nervous is being a Mother to a daughter because humans typically repeat behaviors. I just would never want to scar my daughter if I should ever be blessed with one.
I worry about treating my possible future kids like my parents treated me too
Yes this is a real thing and I worry about it too
And they say that it can be like quicksand: if you fight really hard NOT to become just like your parents, then you're still being controlled by them. You're still connected to those memories. The real freedom comes from manifesting your very own thing, or something. Really idk I've yet to investigate this and I am scared too. I've already detected some behaviours in myself and noticed that it was not so easy to be honest about it. Also it is as if my parents until this day still insist to transfer their neurosis onto me. The more I resist the more they control and manipulate until I start acting exactly like them. It's poison and it makes me sick to my stomach.
@@SuspiriaX *Virtual Hug*
@@SuspiriaX i thought i was the only one...
While watching this video, I could see a lot of signs of myself being an emotionally immature person. Now that I know this I want to try to change. Thank you for opening my eyes.
I started crying during this cause this describes my mother word for word and it pains me that I had to tell her that if she continued to be like this she would die bitter and alone
Same here 😢
I'm literally reading the book, "Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents”
Reading "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". Good luck.
do you recommend it?
could you talk about what causes emotional immaturity?
amyukulele I hope Kati makes a video on this too! In short, it’s been theorised that emotionally immature parents stem from (and not exclusively): being the golden child (never wanting for anything, adored and showered in love, never had to take responsibility for anything and put on a pedestal); unresolved emotional trauma (from childhood, often); being patented by immature or unready parents themselves; have an underlying mental illness causing emotional instability. It’s a tricky one to navigate, especially if the immature parent doesn’t want to face or even acknowledge their problems
This is a good topic to discuss.
@@BethGreenwood My husband is emotionally immature. I've waited for 10 years in hopes that it changes. Some of the biggest issues went away in the first year, while some are still there. He was not a golden child and had responsibilities (however: almost nothing around the house). His biggest issue was an extremely emotionally immature father, who himself had a very strict, religious father, who controlled his whole family
Trauma and attachment issues
My mother is emotionally immature because her father died when she was 13 and so she had to work to help her mother out and didnt have a childhood so I think it's her way of compensating that lack of growing up
My mom is exactly like this. Always pointing fingers, never taking blame, and rarely apologizing. She is unhappy in her marriage but refuses to do anything about it and blames us kids for her unhappiness, when we obviously didn’t ask to be born. There many days I wished I wasn’t. My dad does everything for her just to keep the peace. She has him so whipped it’s unreal. Nothing anyone does is ever good enough for her. 😕 Once as a kid I spent the whole day cleaning. It was me and my 2 sisters at home while my parents were at work. I did the dishes, vacuumed all the floors, did multiple loads of laundry and tidied up the house all by myself. My sisters refused to help. When she got home from work, the first thing she said was “the porch needs vacuumed.” She never thanked me for cleaning. I never got paid. I did it so she wouldn’t throw a fit when she got home. She accused me multiple times of being a lazy, ungrateful, child and swore at me in my face. I did scream back one day, telling her I wasn’t lazy. I cleaned the whole house myself and did my best, and listed all the things I did that day with no help. This was before I could drive so I was probably 14 or 15. I’m the oldest of 3 girls.
Having a parent that acts like this is I think one of the most annoying and hurtful things a kid can have to deal with I love my mom but being around her literally makes me want to punch holes in the wall and feel awful until I can’t bring myself to care anymore. I just wish she could change
Perfect timing. I'm dealing with this in therapy at the moment. At 42 years old I'm finally breaking free of a toxic cycle of manipulation and guilt from my emotionless parents. I'm not interesting in blaming anyone, I just want to break free of the shame and control. Thank you for this. It's very enlightening.
That's good that I got therapy
That u got got therapy I mean sorry lol
Sorry hear that,im in same boat i want break free,too
I was 34 when I broke free. I started to play their game. Acting just like they did. I started becoming a narcissist and arrogant toward them. I know it seems wrong but it’s the only way. It won’t be a overnight success. Once you stand up to them, they will play victim role as if you’re hurting them. Mine use to make me feel guilty too. They would bring my failures and flaws. So I started bringing up their failures and flaws. They will never compromise with you. It will be a equal relationship because they don’t know how. You just have to start playing their game.
Exactly how i feel and I'm 51
for a long time i just assumed my mother was a narcissist, but this is way more fitting and makes so much sense! thank you so much!
same!
Well, don't forget, narcissists are by default, very emotionally immature as well, so your mother well could be!
If you have a look around online, there's actually this checklist of narcissistic traits, and you can use it to determine how bad of a narc your mother (or anyone) is. The range is from 1-10, with 1 being mild, occasional traits, to 10, a full blown, very nasty and possibly dangerous narc.
Pretty sure my ex was a 12, as he started showing sociopathic/psychopathic traits as well, as he got worse over the years, as all narcs do.
There's no cure, and honestly, the best you can do is to cut them out of your life completely, as otherwise, they will continue to find ways to feed off you like the energetic vampires they are.
When I cut my mother out of my life, I immediately felt SO much better!
It's been 4 years now, and I honestly don't regret a thing. Only wish I had done it a lot sooner!
Take care of yourself. You don't have to be their punching bag. You're not responsible for them and their emotions. Remember that, always :)
Narcissists are emotionally immature too to some extent.
same!
this!
but I'm also currently still ruling out camouflaged Asperger's
although I'm afraid that even if that is true, it's probably gonna be a separate thing.
but it was worth looking into because autism spectrum disorders look a hell of a lot like narcissism yet they are very different under the hood!
I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It gives you so many insights about this topic. But it also teaches you how to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-involved Parents.
As a 17 year old homeschooler, I have been face to face with parental immaturity, mental instability, and emotional parentification. I am a writer and poet, and I value the privacy and solitude in which I write, work, and study. The way my parents have interrupted the spaces they reserved for me to work, smothered me, dragged me into their fights, and lead me to emotional disaster (near suicidal), is something I find almost unforgivable at the moment. My dad has accused me of "flaying" him for being "sulky" about disagreeing with his philosophical opinions. He has given me the silent treatment because he views me as an opposing intellectual partner and an equal, not a struggling daughter who needs a father to be present for her. He idolizes morality. I've been tortured with guilt for disrespecting him, but I'm entangled in his emotional web. I just want him to be a normal dad and me to be a normal daughter. I'm crazy, I've cried all day, I've cried half the night. What drove me to the edge was that he tried to criticize my world that didn't include him--my internet friends, my music, and my stress outlets. He tortured me with his bitterness all day, ruining my schoolwork and anything normal I might have tried to do, so now I can't think of anything except him. I feel guilty because I love him, but how can I be sure this won't happen again? Will I have to wait until I graduate to be free?
My dad on this past Monday June tenth kicked me out of the house because I refuse to allow him to hit me across the face I am 18 he’s disabled he depended on me for every thing he was emotionally abusive and I wasn’t gonna let him hit me so I simply blocked his smack he was in raged he tried to stand up and fight me with a bat he said the most horrible things about me the he didn’t care if I lived or died took my car and I was cast out luckily I am staying with my sister now but that was such a toxic relationship and I am glad it’s done
Maxwell comics Inc. happy for u. wish I could 'just' walk away too 🖤💗
Maxwell comics Inc. Holy heck, I’m so glad you’re out of there! So sorry you had to experience such abuse. You did the right thing - I hope your life continues to improve from now on ❤️
Now that you're away from your father you can begin healing and that's a bumpy road but I'm wishing you the very best. Never go back to your fathers house though, sadly you may need to keep protective distance from him for the rest on your life.
Keep strong
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I loved today's video!!! Also I have a question for u. What do I do if something very bad is happening but the person I told does not believe me? Every time I try to tell someone they do not believe me bc the person who did this to me is very sneaky and and always make people believe them that nothing happened. I'm just really stuck any advice?
Also I hope your starting to feel better I know u have been sick for a while and yet you still get up and make videos to help others. You r such an inspiration!!!! Love it video they help me lots
@@itsjustsavannah9639 I'm not Kati, and she probably has better advice, but... this happened to me lots of times. I have learned to secretly record conversations on my phone with people I don't trust. Most phones can record sound with the screen on black. I pretend to check a message, lay the phone somewhere nearby, and start the conversation. A lot of recordings might be for nothing, but if something happens and that person lies about it, you'll have proof.
This has actually gotten me out of a terrible case where a government official claimed I refused to hand in official documents for my coaching, taking away my coaching. I had recordings of her confirming that I handed them in. Got my coaching back eventually, mostly due to these recordings.
I wouldn't recommend recording everyone in life. It comes off as paranoia and distrusting. If anyone ever finds out, that might blow up. Just people you don't trust.
Hi Kati, if your parents are emotionally immature does the child have a higher chance of being that way too?
5 is a big one for me. It took me a while to finally break through to my mother about this, but I lost my shit NUMEROUS times over the fact that she would not tolerate certain (very nuanced) behaviors from me, which were one hundred percent learned behaviors from her. And the fact is, I love her! She has raised me right for the most part, but she still seems to get mad when behaviors of her that I endured and just ultimately came to accept growing up, are reflected in me.
Question: Do emotionally unavailable parents raise emotionally unavailable children? It appears that you are not only describing my parent but also me. Would love to hear from you. Thank you.
As someone who has an emotionally immature father, I’ve done a lot of work to break that cycle for my son. My mom was much more emotionally mature but she was still a product of the times she grew up in and had been emotionally abused by her mother. I think she did the best she could to break her own cycles of toxic parenting and that’s helped me to do the same.
So, I think the answer just depends. The fact that you’re aware of it at least gives you the first step in working on it.
Thank you for this. I filed for divorce this morning from someone who hits all of the descriptors of an emotionally immature person. This was so validating.
She referenced The Office within the first 45 seconds. FAMILY!!!!!!
Edit: thanks for this. It helps me understand my own contribution to toxicity and understand why the people in my family act the way they do. Stuff like this helps me change for the better. Thank you.💞
Awe yay!! I love love love the office :)
I am so glad it was helpful!! xoxo
4:25 I felt so hard. I've always been an old soul and growing up I was the eldest daughter in a high-stress alcoholic household. I always found it hard to relate and connect to my peers; it was always easier to talk to my teachers or real adults. I always felt "other" in grade school because it just didn't feel like I was on the same page as other people.
Me too Julia to a T.
This describes my mom, when I’m minding my own business she’s always complaining about what I’m doing even though I’m not associating with her also she never wants to leave me alone, I need a little bit of privacy.
This is spot on for my dad. Crazy. This video is so great, thank you! I needed this
I am so glad it was helpful! So sorry you have had to go through this :(
not only yours, Holly. :/
Same... It made me emotional to realize I'm not "the only problem" in my relationship.
ive never heard of this before. but it was very interesting. this sounds EXACTLY like my mom and cousin i’m so shook
marisa swanson this is EXACTLY like my mom too. It gives me so much peace to know I’m not just a “horrible daughter”.
You are definitely not a horrible daughter!!! And I hope some of the tips offered at the end are helpful :) xoxo
Yeah sounded too familiar for me too...
@@ste5441 Every kids make mistakes, that's exactly what makes them kids, when they make mistakes, they should have someone to guide them, orsometimes let them experience mistakes so that they can learn from them. You are not a bad kid for not being perfect.
I'm going through a hard time right now because of my parents. They were emotionally neglecting..calling me names. They never ask if i was okay, they always tell me i'm incompetent and lazy, yell at me in front of others. As a defense mechanism, i just stopped talking to them and responding to them..I live with them and i wish i could just go away.
Me too😔❤🙏
Ever since I was a kid, all I wanted was someone who would listen to my problems. They didn't need to comfort me or anything, I just wanted them to listen to me. That's all I wanted, yet they call me a spoiled brat.
My cousins are always jealous of me because we have money and my parents always give me things.. But in reality, they give me 'gifts' because they would rather spend money rather than say "sorry" to their own child. Actually... To be honest, I'm just 12 years old. I know I'm young, but that doesn't mean I'm stupid enough to not notice the things going on around me.
It's like you met my mother! I felt so sorry for her, but I went no contact for half my life. I wished her peace and went on with my life.
I like how you seem to know my dad personally. Like, that description is literally his DNA profile.
Well this completely sums up my mother....
I couldn’t help but laugh through this entire video because EVERYTHING you named describes my toxic mom. I love her to death but her ways have nearly sent me to a mental institution. I’m just now breaking from her and the weight isn’t so heavy :) Thank you for educating me more on this
My mom, her mom(my grandma), and two of my older sisters are emotionally immature. The apple doesn't fall from the tree. They all became parents too young w/o fixing & facing their inner issues. Me & my other sis notice their behaviors and operate different than them, which in turn causes friction because we're opposites to their behavior. I've decided to cut them off, my ex & my friends have seen I'm not like them & encouraged me to let them go.
I’ve always felt that parents (esp. mothers) who have a child young, become forever emotionally stuck at the age they were when they had their first child.
This is my dad 100%. I always felt like I could never call him enough or see him enough to make him happy, and the more I gave, the more he demanded. Only recently have my husband and I started to set up some boundaries. It’s been really healthy for me.
I used to feel guilty for not seeing my dad enough and never felt I did enough. But there was no reciprocation in the relationship at all. Broken promises are also another one.
I'll always remember that time when my mum dropped a plate and when I came to see what the crashing sound was she said "Why didn't you put the plate away yourself!" It wasn't even my plate. Anything to avoid saying "oops, I dropped it"
So this was really hard to face, and I'm still in shock a little bit. I was raised I think to believe my parents were great, almost perfect parents. I knew something was off and have been seeing it for months, but it's so scary to admit this is it. Because I love them, and I think they love me. But they're so damaging at the same time and can't even see it. And I don't even have enough respect for myself to admit they're damaging, because, in a way, they do blame everything on me. The worst part is that I can point these things out to them and of course, they completely disagree or step around it. It's honestly scary to see someone verbally abuse you, make an excuse about why it's your fault you got hurt, and then want to give you a hug as if nothing happened. But these things keep happening and I feel in danger and alone. I just keep crying writing this just over the possibility that maybe it's not my fault. Sorry, that was really long, but hopefully, someone can relate.
Exact same thing, you described it perfectly.
Hi ember.. I feel for you.. I hope you're doing better now. Emotional neglect can make you feel self hatred at a very young age.. I suffer from it as well. We got this stranger 💛
I already knew my parents were emotionally immature but I was excited to see your take on it Kati ! One of the biggest things I’ve had to learn from them is that I can’t tell them everything and share deep things with them. They just can’t handle it. But I always tell my therapist and he is great and completely understanding
My mother is emotionally immature and emotionally unavailable.
She blames me for everything that happens to her.
She also uses my disability for attention.
I probably didn’t mention it to you yet but I had to have another brain surgery in January it’s my third.
She told me that I was lying about my pain and when we finally went to the hospital and I had my surgery.
She used my surgery and me being in the hospital to get attention.
She was acting as if she was the one that could have dyed. I understand that child health conditions can affect parents but everyone I talk to for support said that she has no excuse to act the way she does.
I am dealing with it though
Your mother sounds like my grandmother.
I am sorry you're going through all of that.
I have been through a lot of health issues... being hospitalized and feeling isolated emotionally like that without support is devastating... you can work through it... be patient and kind with yourself
I am sorry to hear that too. I hope you can find or already have people that can give you the love and care that you don't get now from your mother.
I have the same type of mother. I start playing her game. My mother blame me for everything so I started blaming her for everything. Once I start standing up to her she started playing the victim role as if I was hurting her. Every time she brought up my failures I brought up hers. We’ve out grown them as far as being an adult. They don’t know how to be an adult. I just started playing her game.
Stay away from her, she will make your health worse
Toxic parents are desperate for attention and sympathy from strangers. Everywhere I go with my mother she never hesitates to tell people about her experience with open heart surgery.
Yep... at 26, I've finally allowed myself to admit that I do indeed possess two emotionally immature parents. An understatement too...
This is my father. He also has memory problems he doesn't admit. He blames everyone for his situation and is horrible to live with. He justifies everything he does by it being someone else's fault. 2 of my brother's barely speak to him except Christmas. I always worried I would get similar traits to him as I grew up because I am sensitive being on the spectrum. But I care about my actions. Which he has never done. My mother died when me and my 3 brothers were young. My dad worked nights so didn't really have time and getting to know us like my mum. When she past my 2nd older brother who was only 16 had to take over cos we all knew my dad is not capable of being the head of the family. Me and my oldest brother have special needs so it was alot for my brother. He doesn't speak to my dad. This vide described my father exactly. Kinda nice someone else identifying this. Makes you feel validated with all you have had to deal with in life.
I'm a teenager living with my mom, and literally everything you said is my mom. I don't mean to talk bad about her because I love her. I also struggle to make friends my age because I feel that they ate too immature. I've always really only socialized with older people. This really explains a lot in my life. I appreciate you for sharing this information.
I am married to an extremely emotionally immature man. I see these behaviors in the way he treats me and our 12-year-old son. My heart is broken.
I'm so sorry, it must be ridiculously hard and hurtful. I wish you the best of luck in your situation and for your happiness.
@Emma Lynch Better would be...
Kati, you have changed my life. You are the first person on this planet who has validated my feelings and actually meant it, all without even meeting me, and I could never tell you how much that means to me. Just know you’re doing amazing work on this channel. I have discovered so much about myself and my past and am able to watch your videos, take notes, bring them to my psychiatrist, and talk through them. Before, I would go into therapy and just cry when asked about things, and I couldn’t figure out why. You have helped change how I view the world, in the most positive way possible. Lots of love, always 💗
I´m watching this while I´m visiting my emotionally immature and unavailable mother. I´ve done so much inner work and honestly it´s the first time ever I can see her as an adult with unresolved traumas and respond to her, instead of reacting and perpetuating the whole viscious cycle. Thank you so much for your content, Kati, I´m really grateful!
Is it okay to not want anything from a parental relationship? My father abandoned me at age 10 and I really don't feel compelled to strike up a relationship with him. He contacted me very infrequently during my childhood and cut off all communication when I became an adult. My mother is emotionally immature and is a narcissist. She destroyed my career 10 years ago so I went low, low contact.
As an only child this is very painful. I'm also a bit embarrassed by this, too. I would love to have a loving family who is supportive. But I don't.
In the interim, I will work on myself.
I feel ya. I've had to focus on making friends that are like family, while figuring out healthy boundaries with actual family. It'll take time to figure out what you need. Be patient with yourself. You don't owe them anything you're not comfortable giving.
Ck out Kati’s video on Toxic Parents
I went to therapy for the first time this year at the age of 30. When I told my therapist about what goes on with my mom they said this term, it was a real breakthrough for me when they explained it to me. I've always tried to make her happy and don't go against her but no matter what I do she's never satisfied and in her mind is everyone's else fault except hers. I've just called her after the last time we talked on the phone 2 months ago, I just asked what's new and without going on too much detail she started telling me what has been happening blaming others as always. After she started talking I just acknowledged that I was listening to her so that she could vent and say whatever she wanted. At around 8 minutes in, the line broke a little so I couldn't understand what she said so I told her "what did you say? I didn't get that", she replied very angrily and agitated "that's the bad thing about not talking every day, then when something happens I have to tell you a lot of other stuff" so I told her "so tell me, I'm not in a hurry", then there was silence for a couple of seconds and she just hung up... first I just laughed from the shock, then I wanted to cry, she didn't even ask me how was I doing, how was my day or let me talk at all. And I didn't even wanted to talk about me that much, I just wanted to know how she is doing as we don't live in the same country, and I wanted to ask her about something I remembered from my childhood where she left me with her friend and something happened and the adult that was taking care of me said nothing happened and that maybe I had a nightmare or I was making things up... but in my mind what happened was very very real... anyway I just thought that I can't even talk enough time with her to ask her about this, so I might as well think that my parents are dead so I can't ask them anything about my past... I don't know if this is okay or not but it is just what I thought... I'm sorry, this is all over the place and maybe it doesn't even makes sense but I needed to tell/write to someone...
I wish so much that you were my therapist when I was a teenager. At 43 years old it’s finally apparent that as an only child of parents who divorced when I was younger, that my mom is emotionally unavailable, a passive-aggressive narcissist completely manipulative and also has always been living with ARFID. Life as a teenager with her was unbearable. And my Dad was worse as he is an PTSD Vietnam veteran who is an alcoholic. My mom has been in therapy for years and years, or so she says, but it seems never addressed any of these things. Exactly as you said, she sees herself as the victim, but has no clue outwardly what her behaviors cause. It’s caused me to live thousands of miles away from my family, left me with so many contradictory emotions, guilt, frustration, unresolved issues from our past and so much anger. For anyone reading this or experiencing the same thing, please know you’re not alone.
Thank you so much for this! I'm 48 years old and I'm finally realizing that my parents are emotional immature and unavailable. Gosh... I'm so scared because I have an 8 year old daughter. Oh my gosh...
What if we're _BOTH_ emotionally immature?
Most likely the relationship will always be difficult.. because if no one is listening to the other, or always picking fights and/or making fun of the other, it will be really hard for it to ever be healthy.
When our parents or family members are emotionally immature; we need to acknowledge that we come from dysfunctional families , that we also likely have unhealthy boundaries and immature communication skills. We need to work on ourselves so that we can be better for ourselves, our children, and to stop the cycle of dysfunction that destroys family relationships.
Do what I did start acting emotional immature back to them. Become a little bit of a narcissist. As you do that they will start playing the victim role. That’s the start of changing their behavior. Make them fear a little bit. I use to let my win but I learned that was mistake. I started makeing my self the priority. I never called them and focused on me and me only. The will never change but they will respect you. It’s harsh but it’s just the way it is.
To any future readers: you're responsible for your own actions. Go explore your feelings and life then. After that- you can't change them. The relationship will probably never work.
Use your newly found backbone and respect yourself.
@@marisah6947 It took me 8 years to reverse this dangerous mindset.🎖️
this is so accurate! i feel like in this situation it’s so easy to think it’s all in your head and it’s not real! thank you:)
Of course!! So happy to help :) xoxox
The worst is when you realize your parents are so emotionally immature that they'd rather side with your entitled and emotionally immature sibling than take responsibility for their behavior. Made me feel terrible and I know they didnt care about my feelings, even when I opened up to them about said situation made me feel very depressed, I never got a sorry or anything like that from them. Though its a super painful realization, it made me realize why I felt so off around them while growing up. In the end, its a victory to see this in action because it shows that it was them all along and it explains the anxiety I always had while with them. In a way, it freed me from anxiety and now Im very careful about spending any time at all with my family after these situations happen. Just because someone is a blood relative, doesnt mean you have to be around them if they're always rude to you.
This describes my aunt all over.
Guilt tripping me into spending all my free time with her
Making me feel like I never did anything for her when it was all I did
Trying to convince me that my then-boyfriend (now husband) didn't love me or care about me and that he had "other slluts"
Blaming me for all her mistakes, even ones where I wasn't even involved, or even tiny ones like calling the wrong contact on her phone.
Interrupting me every time I talked with a negative comment about my appearance.
It's really hard to work with emotionally immature co-workers...
TELL ME ABOUT IT!
Just start playing the same role as them. I bet you try to compromise with them. However they treat you treat them same exact way. Play mind games with them. They won’t bother you because they hate someone who acts like them.
Thank you for the tools. I need to work on setting up healthy emotional boundaries.
Of course!!! I hope it helps :) xoxo
After seeing this video, nothing surprises me anymore, why the grown children are not taking care of their elderly parents. That's why the whole world faces trouble in elderly care. Remember parents, you are becoming old , now what?