1. Lack of empathy. 2. Over reaction to life lessons. 3.Failing to take responsibility. Blaming somebody else. 4. Immediate gratification . Financially irresponsible. 5. Self centeredness. Can't see past their own desires 6. Hostility, personally attack other people if they don't agree. 7. Deception, criminality, manipulation. 8. Shallow 9. Difficulty setting boundaries. 10. Individual has no room for growth, they think they know it all. No room for personal development.
People with cluster B personality disorder are also emotionally stunted so these characteristics may apply to them. So this list can be used to detect toxic people as well.
In emotional intelligence we see 5 areas 1. Self insight (understanding your emotions and why they appear) 2. Self regulation (being able to calm oneself down or cheer oneself up) 3. Self motivation (motivating oneself to do boring tasks) 4. Empathy 5. Relational skills (being able to initiate and keep relations to other people)
Emotionally immature adults are no joke. My brother is emotionally immature at age 60, and has wrought destruction on our entire family for decades. He has every trait that you mentioned. Thank you for posting.
Fern: A lot of my emotional maturity really started in my 40s. I think that my Buddhist meditation practice, followed by a long and severe health crisis, were the good and bad things that helped me and also forced me to grow up (at least to a certain extent.)
The saving grace is that this is not my common baseline state. Like the last one is eight years ago, when I got fed up with a man who fits a profile of NPD as projecting his actual misdeeds done to me and others onto me as committing all these heinous actions, but without mentioning the persons whom I had supposedly mistreated. I think perhaps that his goal was to place enough threats on me that he could increase his control over me as being faced with an authority whom others would believe over me. None of the people mistreated were accessible to me to counter his claims, if he decided to smear me. He eventually did that via phone tree globally so I could not find another school or teacher to accept me. This included flying monkeys stalking me from the west coast to the east coast, and north to south on the west coast from Seattle to southern California looking for a school or teacher. Essentially, he told me to leave but would not let me go to find my own way or receive an education I deeply desired. He kicked me out, but left me nowhere else to go. So control by very long leash accomplished. He also as filed a civil stalking complaint against me by a method of creating a SLAPP suit to gag me about what I knew and suspected about the advanced-degree Buddhist education college he founded, and his “ secret consort” practices and raped nuns (😳). I could not afford a lawyer, and of course all the witnesses were his employees or grad students. I am now socially branded as now bearing a lifetime, publicly accessible civil stalking order against me. He maneuvered this to eventually become weaponized as one of several methods he uses to coerce me. As he has since disintegrated and spiraled into depravities such as money scams, alcoholism, promiscuous sex, and manipulating especially vulnerable female students to the point of agora phobia and psychotic breaks. I did two things: 1) occasionally mentioned that he might consider a “life coach” when he showed restlessness with his current career path - the subtext being to get him in the door of the mental health system without a red flag with a friendly sounding professional; 2) hold out as long as I could when I recognized that he was preparing to discard, in hopes it could come out as his leaving me so as to free myself from any expected return. It appears that I failed at the second one, when he drew me in to be able to use the civil order against me, if he became displeased with me. Beware the jabberwalky *and* the narcissist, my friend. The suit forbids me to speak of these events, by the way. This happened in Oregon. Let this statement I am making stand as proof Civil disobedience is not in vain. The serial rapist monk in the organization that sponsored the college was arrested for attempted rape of a woman passenger on an Air India flight May 3, 2019. He was arrested in India. It was then that at least five disavowed nuns came forward from all over the world, but who never had known about each other, to attest to their rapes. The head of the organization never spoke with the authorities about this monk, despite the nuns having reported the rape to him as their immediate superior. All he did was tell the nuns to tell no one this had happened to them, and placed the monk on “watch” by a vote of the board. They said they had no complaints in a decade. The nuns were offered no medical care of counseling. Lord knows how many other rapes he committed. There were young women a plenty who came to his teachings. No one would say anything after the treatment of the nuns, if anything did happen. So, as for me, I am forced to the conclusion that there may be a little narc in all of us, even the sainted when you include Jesus’ trashing the money traders market at the temple. Thanks, Doc Grande, for making this knowledge openly available. Transparency rules❣️
I was fortunate to be an offspring of parents who were very mature, especially my father, tested by adversity and having excellent abilities to put off gratification and exercise self-restraint. What a legacy.
My husband is very mature. He is the most selfless, responsible man i know. He grew up without a dad and he wanted to lighten his widowed mother’s load. He started working at a young age. He makes this world a better place to live because he is a caring, godly servant to all. I am one who he has blessed and he has taught me so much.
I feel the same way about my parents - SO lucky to have been born to the two of them. With only a few examples to the contrary, for the entirety of my life until my father passed 5 years ago, they were consistently my example of what should be a loving Union.
My father is very mature and wise I feel, he taught my mother how to be in life. I think that he passed down his maturity and thinking to me and my siblings.
I feel a little embarrassed to share this, but it’s genuinely caused me a lot of grief for a long time, and I’m sincerely hoping somehow my story will help somebody else. I was not diagnosed with ADHD until adulthood, and though it’s been hard to recognise these patterns in my behaviour (about 8 years since I first realised that something was wrong, because my peers had all overtaken me socially and emotionally), I am now starting to see that I am unlucky enough to still be very emotionally and socially immature, I think it’s likely a byproduct of ADHD. I’m self-aware enough to know that my current level of emotional maturity at twenty is about the same as it was when I was ten. I’m not proud of how I behave, and I see my psychiatrist weekly to try and work out these things about myself, which has already really helped me to understand myself and my flaws, and where I should improve. Unfortunately I’m still trying to figure out the “how”, but I think I’m happier than I ever was just being able to understand that everything I went through in school, especially the confusion, anxiety, self-doubt and depression was likely tied to this reason. I’m not better, I haven’t matured yet on those fronts, but I am getting help now and I just want to be seen like a normal person even though sometimes I can’t help but act like a child. (And unfortunately yes, I experience all these signs discussed in the video. It is always nice to have explanations though, thank you Dr. Grande!)
This comment rules. I almost feel like we are the same person. I see someone too, the fact you said everything you said outloud is a giant sign of growth❤
Don’t stress too much. I am 31 and a mother of 2 little boys and just got diagnosed with adhd this summer. I look back on my life with a lot more understanding given the new context I can put things in after my diagnosis. At 20 your brain is still developing. And in the bigger scheme of things this development could be considered your brain’s “finishing touches”. . . But oh my goodness it makes such a big difference once that frontal cortex is fully developed. I remember the changes I felt about life and people and myself at 26 when those changes were close to finished. It’s amazing how different you become when the wiring is complete. Just keep working on yourself and trying your best. Your self-awareness and willingness to be better is like 90% of the solution. You got this, honey.
This is my father, who was diagnosed with Malignant NPD, and my mother when she was alive (she never went to a therapist because she thought she was completely perfect). Just the other day I asked my dad, "hey, when you're at Walmart today can you pick up a kitchen garbage can? as I just got out of the hospital and am still dealing with a bad infection). Immediately he starts screaming at the top of his lungs about how he's so unappreciated, and that's he's very special and important but nobody is giving him a mansion on a private tropical island because they don't value his worth to society (he does nothing), and then of course come the barrage of insults - calling me every filthy word you can imagine (and I used to be in law enforcement and have been called a lot of things - but my own father is much, much, much worse). So yep, losing his mind for 1 1/2 hours over a garbage can.
Love your name! Just bob him one in the nose to snap him out of it...then again, it will be something else for him to complain about. Stay strong girl, and keep your distance. Understandable if he is your only touchstone when you are down and out. God Bless you!
I hope you can laugh at his ridiculousness. My father and then my ex husband pulled stuff like this. I moved across the country to get away from them. I would've picked up your trashcan for you, no worries.
Oh my. My poor sons. I lived in fear and allowed their father to be verbally n emotionally abusive. I was selfish too scared. Please know you are not the issue! It was your dad.
10 Signs of Emotional Immaturity 1. Lack of empathy: failure to feel it or use it. 2. Overreaction to life circumstances, the tendency to move towards chaos: connected to external locus of control, acting on emotions, and impulsivity (contentiousness). 3. Failure to take responsibility and/or blaming others: inability to take ownership. 4. Immediate gratification and failure to plan ahead: connected to impulsivity (neuroticism), financial irresponsibility. 5. Self-centredness: inability to see past one’s desires and acknowledge effects on others. 6. Hostility: quick to anger, pronounced hatred of others, failure to dissociate people from their opinions. 7. Deception: criminality, manipulation for money and fame, pathological lying (extreme form). 8. Being unable to experience and understand deep feelings and needs specifically to shallowness. 9. Difficulty setting boundaries: failure to break up toxic/damaging relationships or habits. 10. Belief in having accomplished personal development and growth: disinterest in learning deeply about life.
Dave sounds like you then Dave 😂 Eric and Dave stick the gangster granny mother in an asylum because they don’t agree with you! Is that how your narcissistic family works? Mags takes over as matriarch and everyone bows down to every word that your family says? My family have no history of mental health issues whatsoever until dealing with your family and my fertility treatment! It’s all conditioning and control that effects people!
One important fact to recognise for anyone falling into these traits, is that regardless of how many negative traits they have, if they are willing to recognise these weaknesses and make some positive changes then that is a sign of emotional maturity. At the end of the day it is all about self reflection and emotional intelligence. Just start with learning to love yourself and others....
You HAVE to love yourself first. The world will never offer the kind of love you need. Start with you and build relationships with those individuals who do love you. Stop worrying about what people mutter on the internet.
Most people are emotionally immature until about age 27. But learning emotional maturity at a young age from a good parent or mentor is like a superpower.
omg so am I.....and it was hell living with my family & 4 Siblings. They left me with little Self Esteem and you usually wind up being together with another M. Narcissist.
@@fightingtosurvive6527 how the fuck can you be an empath if you grew up in a family full of narcs? Narcissisism at the end of the day is a certain type of mentality and people form mentalities according to their family, thats why there is a saying that everything comes from home, so if you grew up in a household of narcs then you have to have their mentality at least to some degree.... Many narcissists think that they are empaths just because they are sensitive but the sensitivity stems from weakness and not from empathy and compassion. A nice guys syndrome at best.
Well I learnt too late that my immaturity caused hell and toxicity . I thought my family was horrible alcohol ect .. if I had acted from a place of maturity I would have helped myself and those around me
@@michaels7366 thankyou I agree I thought everyone else was the problem my childhood ect I've caused hell thinking I'm a saint truly , most horrific wake up call. I have children ! They need a parent !
Unfortunately, I have regressed in my emotional maturity during this pandemic. 😔 I hope I can get back to my pre-corona emotional stability and maturity level.
I think many people have, don't think you are alone. Affirmations are my go to...start with: I am worthy...I can contribute to society by (xyz), I can take care of myself, I am enough, I am loving...you can even google affirmations if you need to...If you are feeling paralyzed by fear, just take baby steps. I write affirmation on my bathroom mirror with a dry eraser marker. Right now on my mirror is: Heal or Move On! Basically meaning I can hold on to: fear, suffering, being a victim, the virus, staying stuck in my situation or move forward in my live to be the best I can be. (Don't make your standards too high, so you don't fail, maybe the best you can be today is to take a walk outside: for exercise, for fresh area, to smile at the neighbors, to enjoy the clouds, blue sky or the birds singing). Maybe the next day is to do the same, without a mask! You'll be ok! And if you are afraid of the virus stop watching the news, we are being bombarded with fear! God Bless!
That can be caused by mental illness, substance abuse, head injuries, Alzheimers or dementia. They damage the emotion regulation and executive functions that develop as people mature from children to adults. I don't like when people use the term "immaturity" in these cases, because it makes it sound like the person just needs to "GROW UP!". It promotes impatience and anger, and prevents people from realizing that their loved ones need medical treatment. You can't just will yourself out of these conditions.
Yes, what are your thoughts on the accuracy of the Myers Briggs personality types, based on Carl Jung's theories? Seems like it could not align with science because of the possibility of subjective manipulation from the subject. I say that because a subject or patient could know beforehand certain characteristics and simply malinger so that they fit into their desired type. Many people may desire a certain type. Do you have any opinions on Jung's theories? Fascinating even if undependable.
Grandiose attitude's are displayed by narc's and won't take responsibility or show or feel empathy and verbally abusive,narc's have no boundaries and create drama !!! Normal people think the world has so much knowledge to learn and accept fault and are prepared to work on flaws... Thanks Dr Grande.
I believe that I'm probably emotionally immature. I'm not entirely sure what to do about it to be honest. I think most of this belief is based on a perceived inability to function on my own, given the difficulties that I've faced and continue to face. I have terrible inhibition control, difficulty setting boundaries, and terrified of being my own person in view of my parents. Even working full time I don't believe it'll be enough to live on my own. Thanks for the insightful video.
Since you're wise enough to see it you're better off than the people thinking they're doing awesome.. it's those folks I look at sideways with concern. It's like who doesn't have some immaturity somewhere or aspects of their character that need improving, or bad habits that need to change all throughout their life? I mean if you think the guy giving this talk doesn't have issues in his character you'd have to be pretty naïve. /:) ..so your life circumstances aside, since you appear conscientious about your impact on those around you, I think your focus would be best served on self empowerment to mentally strengthen your resolve to believe that it's ok for you to succeed. Sort of go from fear to faith if you will. Because you may not be emotionally immature per say it may just be experientially immature as you are (and i'm guessing) pretty young. Hope that helps. Don't be so hard on yourself.. life will do that for you! :)
Part of your comment speaks to earnings. Start where you can, it is amazing how low one's cost of living can go if living independently is the goal. Just recognize the tradeoff and make the choice that allows for the most growth.
@@williamsherman1089 The last time I saw them, I couldn't process how immature my parents were. I guess it's a good thing to be shocked by an adult name calling others. I can see if you are alone in your car, and somrone dangerously cuts in front of you, but straight to someone's face is just unacceptable. Sadly, people like that can bring even the most healthy person down. Dysfunction really is contagious.
@@LisaMaryification yeah and then they wanna tell you how old school they are, I grew up in the seventies and eighties and did have a few good role models on how mature adults were expected to behave.
I was raised by emotionally immature parents. It’s very difficult to develop skills with that kind of role model. I was shunned by a lot of kids in school for not having the right social skills and I didn’t know what I did wrong. I still feel I have missing pieces to my personality.
Thank you for your channel. My thought is the emotion immaturity biggest effect is in marriages where one partner is able to plan and get ahead...but... living with someone like this is absolute chaos and frustrating....they just toss everything away...but they can't see that.
I can finally put in words what the hell is wrong with me! I've spent all my aldolescence and youth on finding out by myself how to improve myself and thought that I've some sort of serious disorders. I'm glad that despite the lack of access to this information, I found my ways to deal with my immaturity, and help myself to grow up as much as I could. Now I can work on myself more efficiently.
I'm glad you discovered that your worth is within. That's a sign of integrity to me. It's having a well-defined internal compass and actively aligning your actions with it. I think it's easy to get caught up in what others think and using that as a basis of action. All you get from that is battered and torn up. To thine own self be true. Polonius in Hamlet. Wishing all the best to you!
A good book to read is "Growing Up in College" by Douglas Heath. At the back of the book is a multi-page questionnaire. At the time I discovered this book, I picked every single immature response. Every single one! I was really flustered at this, and it confirmed the criticisms made of me by other people for decades. I did not move out of my parents' house until I was 27.
One thing about these signs of emotional immaturity: I am not going to take responsibility for someone else’s immature behavior. So don’t hold me accountable for my normal reaction to what someone else does.
#3 - you initially labeled it "failing to take responsibility and blaming others" but then you followed up by saying that someone with this trait is "unable to differentiate their responsibilities from other people's responsibilities". Would this still be emotionally immature if it worked in the opposite direction? If someone took on other people's responsibilities as well as their own? Similarly for #2, if instead of feeling like they had no personal control, they felt like they had to take control of everything and everyone? If emotional immaturity is the inability to deal with reality, I would assume it is immature to be on either extreme end of the spectrum of these traits...
The locus of control part made me think exactly the same, that too strong locus of control is immature as well. Especially naive people who think they can literally completely change the world if they work hard enough for it. But I didn’t realise the parallel with responsibility. Seems plausible with inferiority complex for example.
It makes sense, because lack of boundaries is another sign. And I would say allowing other people to walk over you and doing too much for people is being unable to set healthy boundaries.
You have to look at the function of the behavior. So, no, in this case, your example is not opposite sides of the same spectrum. Being extra responsible or hard-working is not the same as being irresponsible or lazy. If it is pathological, it is a different type of pathology. Perhaps narcissism or learned survival behaviors, not immaturity. I think you make a better case about #2, however, at least people who take control are trying to deal with reality, not run away from it.
Thank you for creating this. I had childhood trauma, have been in and out of counseling as a child and young adult. My husband actually helped me alot! If I were to say something a certain way (tone of voice) he would help me re say it. After a few years, I see the benefits. I came across this video and thought "why not. If I am still emotionally immature, I can work on that next" I know it's not a diagnosis. I feel much better after watching it. ❤
99% are riddled with biases. Biases is the side effect of being in survival mode. The only topic of worth is biases. Yet this video owner does not cover this topic, instead covering safe topics that safely gather an audience. So he is a victim of his ego, just like everybody else, just a puppet on a string. Feelsgoodman.
Holy crap! I had always gotten along well with my husband's aunt until she moved in with us about a year ago. She hits on every single one of these traits. She doesn't like my son for the dumbest reason and literally screams at him for, again, the dumbest reasons yelling, "I am right and you are wrong!" even after my son tries to reason with her. He's only 12 and exhibits way more maturity than she does. She is extremely financially irresponsible and always blames others for her terrible lot in life. Her stories about her life are often grandiose, telling them in a way that will elicit an OMG reaction. I have stories for all these traits, but this comment is long enough as it is. I want this woman out of my house, if only for the sake of my children and my own mental health. She never exhibits these traits when my husband is around. He is her favorite nephew. At first, he wouldn't believe me or the kids because when he would talk to her about them, she would place the blame on us for the rift, but story after story after story of the kids and me telling like it is finally opened his eyes to the true nature of this toxic woman. He's finally told her that she needs to start looking for another place to live. Only when she's out of my house will I finally be able to breathe.
Thank you for bringing the topic into light, Dr. Grande!! Another sticking sign in emotional immaturity is the narcissism itself. When someone chose to behave badly towards another who already OBVIOUSLY helped them, it is a denial of absolute truth before their faces. Again, thank you Doc, and God bless🙏🤞
How common is it for someone to have empathy for animals and can't stand the thought of the neglect that goes on every day , but have next to no empathy for people ?
Social maturity - Personal Dev ideals & ethics. Questioning parents’ values Personality maturity Empathy, overreaction/external control locus, failing to take responsibility & blaming others Immediate gratification/can’t plan ahead, self-centeredness, hostility (opinion from person) Deception, Doesn’t understand deep feelings, boundaries, cynicism/no room for growth
I like the calm, logical direct delivery that Dr. Grande gives. I watch these videos to see the traits in others and also to see them within me. I'm definitely a mixture of many things. Subscribed.
I find every one of Dr. Grande's videos Interesting, helpful and insightful! We should always have room to learn and grow mentally and emotionally. Nothing is more unbecoming than meeting adults in grown bodies that haven't grown in their mind and behaviors. Wisdom in age isn't valued as much as it used to be. There's more of an emphasis on cosmetic proceedures like Botox to stay young. Which leads me to question how people create constructs of how they view themselves.
Thank you. That was very helpful: clear and well-explained. I was looking at this because my wife is emotionally immature, but I found at least one aspect of emotional immaturity in myself, as well
Your comments are always enlightening. Some of the things I've learned here about myself were a bit surprising, but at the least, revealing, causing me to give deeper thought to my emotional problems and face what I don't like about myself and my reactions and try to correct my shortcomings using logic. I think I'm feeling better about myself, although I occasionally still dwell on what I have felt were the injustices of being raised by a narcissist. After a silen, angry snit and self pity I remind myself that, sadly, he is gone now. I'm realizing, that even late as it is I can live my own life and any mistakes I make now are only mine.
It is an excruciating difficult path to walk, treading the fine line between subjecting one's self to further tormenting and abuse and taking responsibility for what we now have control over that perhaps, we didn't before. But it can be done and we are doing it. Realisation is already an important step in part of the healing process. I always try to remember that it's not my fault but it is now my responsibility. I wish you well and success in your healing journey.
Thank you for this, it's made me realize that my previous relationship failed due to emotional immaturity of my ex rather than me as I was led to believe.
Thank you. This was great. Personally, I believe that Emotional Immaturity is merely the soil and feeding ground for real Personality Disorders, including aspects of the Dark Triad that you mention. Emotional Immaturity presents itself differently in people and is certainly related to their upbringing, the challenges and turmoil (or lack thereof) they faced in life. How destabilizing that is depends on which aspects are stunted/neglected in their growth. In my experience, a lot of abusive relationships seek out emotionally immature people as prey (while of course many predators are also emotionally immature, have personality disorders, including being part of the Dark Triad, of course).
Have you considered that those who are abusers tend to abuse those already abused? I was abused in a cult that continually sexually victimized me beginning in infancy. Later, I was freq. targeted by teachers, neighbors, bosses, etc. I didn't even realize because they had intentionally created other personalities for me to switch to during abuse. I married a horrific abuser and it was evident soon after the fact (I left him 7 wks. later) what had transpired. I have avoided marriage since. I realized that most of those I connected with where abusers because they "knew" I was a victim. Some studies have proven this out including some interviews with Ted Bundy.
@@susanrhodes5681 Whether predators on children or "mere" mobbing in school by other kids; abusers have a finely tuned intuitive radar as to who is a good target, one that won't fight back, make much of a fuss. One who was already wounded often keeps carrying that wound easy to spot for such exploitative people; they see an easy outlet for the frustrations or perversions, power plays and manipulations, mind games, false hopes, the carrot dangling right in front you that you never reach and the other "fun" bits between double binds and physical attacks. Only when we learn to draw boundaries, grow our assertiveness, they will not go for us anymore. The game may be a bit different at first, but it is one you can only master through experience. You do not hide your wounds from the noses of the predators by conceiling them, but by being "dangerous" yourself. Not in the "evil" sense, but in the sense of defending yourself no matter what and projecting that in your demeanor and posture. Martial arts can help a lot with this (not a simple "self defense course", but a true committed years long study of a martial art that you resonate with). The result is confidence and assertiveness, a lack of helplessness if you will, and the predator then is less likely to "smell" you. Because you carry around an aura of being trouble, or at least of not being easy prey. Many vulnerable men face similar problems with their relationships, and even consider scrapping future relationship endeavors entirely. The MGTOW-movement or what some think that to be is one offshoot of that notion. The same goes for "political lesbians"; heterosexual women that chose to be lesbians (which doesn't really work that way, and real lesbians can tell from not very gratifying sexual experiences with them) are an equivalent on the other side. What most likely happened to these people is their "attraction-radar" being primed towards abusive types of the opposite sex. Our first relationship often primes us in this, and when it was a bad one, the next one seems like a carbon copy replacement of the old in many cases. A friend of mine had 5 girlfriends with Borderline Personality Disorder in a row; he is a psychologically abused mess and has a bunch of behaviour fleas from them as well, but is working on it. He also has a history of psychological abuse in his childhood, including teachers. In order to find a more... bearable... relationship, it may help to view your "attraction-radar" rather as a warning tool. When that "got the hots" info-LED goes blinking in your head, rather consider whether you see similar patterns to your former abusers, and use that blinking light as a warning of turning around, and checking out the potential partners that it does not go off on. This feels very counterintuitive at first, but you will quickly get to know a wider variety of personality types and people, and become a better judge of character, instead of just being drawn to the same type over and over. The common MGTOW-stories I've read and heard all seem to swarm around manipulative (psychologically abusive) Cluster-B women, while the equivalent of abused females have more classic physically violent psychopaths in their mix. In the near trauma-clinic where they also deal with complex-PTSD, and where I hope to finally get a spot next year, many sexually abused women developed some inherent phobia of the male sexual organ. To the point that some mothers are unable to bathe their male babies. Hence why transwomen have to go to the mixed unit. This "phallophobia" as I would dub it, is a natural reaction that can occur in the aftermath of PTSD, as it lowers your threat-resolution (so that similar things trigger the same threat-response) and thus conflates "has penis" with "is 100% threat", despite no other semblance to the original perpetrator, simply because of the presence of the same "item" used to commit the atrocious crime. If unaddressed this can develop into outright man-hatred, and some radical feminists do recruit their numbers from such women. Some Mothers who seek to force-transition their male children can also have these histories behind them. They end up with very... detrimental coping mechanisms. Detrimental to their surroundings especially. Long term psychological abuse, especially from cults, easily results in complex PTSD, which can be addressed therapeutically, as I implied above. However, the therapy is as much hell as the condition, anxiety, tension, hypervigilance, flashbacks and complete psychogenic crampattacks/breakdowns themselves. But a hell with an end, and more normal life ahead afterwards. My personal advice is to look up a good trauma-clinic and sign up; the waiting lists for these are very long; so the earlier the better. These intense stories I would not advise to treat in an ambulant fashion. I don't know Dr Grande's opinion on the following, but personally I have found great understanding about my experiences and condition, and those of my abusers and their... well-meaning, but inevitably naive and harmful defenders...: Take a look at the channel "TheraminTrees"; an ex-therapist, who also shares stories about bad therapy, cult-behaviour, psychological abuse in general, as well as strategies and necessities to get out of them and what (surprisingly good) chances you have. Of course this cannot replace a good ambulant psychotherapist, but it sure as hell is a good foundation and orientation; and as with Dr Grande's videos, a lot to chew, process and sometimes... quite painful. In my personal experience, and those I deal with, these abuse stories can never be longterm-treated with meds; they require psychotherapy, behavioural as well as specialized (c-)PTSD. That opens up a lot of processing resources, can help you regain your creativity thusly and also remove an associated depression. Most therapists just treat the depression, although those are merely symptoms of the underlying trauma. Solve the latter, and the depressive symptoms crumble. The common anti-depression techniques and necessities should of course still be employed while you are dealing with the symptoms, to keep you going. As a last note, I am just a layman. I'm a patient that did not get the treatment I needed, for various reasons - one being a decrepit and corrupt healthcare system in my state in Germany. I only read up a lot when I still could out of necessity, and kept what works for me and my closer acquaintances. I have dealt with >20 years of chronic depression without outside help (despite seeking), which turned out to be a side effect of my gender dysphoria. The new depression... well, that's the new crap I deal with. Thus my conclusions here may be flawed and biased, and I hope not too much, at best nothing, of what I told here is wrong and harmful. Please, be well. There is a future, even if you can't see it yet.
@@susanrhodes5681 I pondered about whether I should reply or not. You can imagine this is usually not advised with such tales. However, I fail to keep it short: I will note here that Dr Grande did a great video on the history of "DID" that I would recommend you watching. Having had some experience with various narcissists and borderliners, the latter of which some claimed to have DID, I came to the following layman conclusion/hypothesis with a similarly invested buddy of mine: When we think, truly think, actively, consciously, we create something I would roughly describe as "temporary virtual constructs", mock characters with pseudo-consciousnesses. Think of it like writing a stageplay, but doing improv for all the people involved. This is part of how I imagine cognitive empathy functions. Due to our variant of autism, this is an unusually conscious process, compared to how non-autists describe it. Basically, you imagine a character, fictional or someone you know according to what you know and expect of that person, and ask or wonder "How would that person react, act, answer, question, behave, be affected?" The virtual machine is then handed to your unconscious and it plays out intuitively, according to the stats and traits you have about the person or attributed to the fictional character. Essentially, this is how prayer works: The question "What would Jesus do?" is asking the assumed construct you have of the character Jesus, or what God would answer according to your interpretation of God, running that through your subconscious, and it spitting out a logical response according to your assumptions and biases. Thus you can get your prayers "answered" by this virtuous being. If you equate the subconscious or "soul" with something divine, this is not even necessarily contradictory to your belief. However, the mechanics work the same with any other construct, like the classic "advocatus diavoli" - the necessary critic who tests all your ideas for their flaws. Narcissism can be understood in various ways; personally I favour the one of what you call "DID" but with just "one" personality over the core: The Godpersona that is perfect and sheltering the real, stunted, emotionally immature personality that is likely a product of abuse and neglect, oedipal parenting. It's like the Godpersona has an oedipal relationship with the real, underdeveloped core. This Godpersona is essentially a virtual construct, like those described above, but given access to all the faculties. The stunted core could still override that at all times, but refuses to, as it is easier beneath the protection of the virtual construct. The virtual construct is basically a coping mechanism to shield the real core personality again further abuse; thus, it the Godpersona is proven flawed or wrong in any way, it cracks and breaks and the stunted 5yo child breaks through and throws a tantrum, appropriate for its age - despite a 30-50yo body. The Godpersona is essentially a self-created fantasy world, an escapism. A similar coping mechanism seems to be what is called "DID" at large, but with several virtual constructs. Some borderliners especially use this as a constant dodge for responsibility and being proven wrong. Reactions like "Oh, my other personality thought that initially, I actually agree with you", just to not have to admit being wrong. Those types seem much less like actual distinct personalities, but just cardboard cutouts used as diversions and distractions. They are almost created at random and at will, for whatever the situation requires. Thus unlikely large numbers of such "beings" accumulate. Just like the narcissistic Godpersona, it looks like an extensive bad coping mechanism for a core-personality that cannot bear being wrong about anything or flawed in any way; whether this is to prevent further deep wounds or is a mere product of emotional immaturity, is of secondary interest in my eyes. The virtual constructs ("personalities") are just virtual constructs. Characters on a stage, whom you, the core (of self/being), allowed superuser-access to your various faculties to take over as auto-pilot AIs, existing to shield the core from harm and responsibility. However, they cause further harm and trouble in your life down the line, like playing a different character every day, will put people around you off. You can reduce them back to what they are: Characters on a stage playing adlib to help you puzzle out a situation. However, that means that you, the core, take back control of all aspects of your life, and thus, responsibility for everything that happens, everything you do, to yourself and others. Taking such responsibility is part of that divine message, as far as I understand the more "mature" variants of christianity. The immature ones, like for example pentacostals, focus solely on the aspect of the Holy Ghost, that if they just pray hard enough, fullfills their wishes and does their worldly chores required to be an upright citizen, while they just lay back, put their feet up, and think themselves good people (i.e. in cowardice of giving testimony for an abuse victim, they will instead just pray that the holy ghost makes the world right, and feel they have done sufficient duty; all the while they wilfully forget that said "holy ghost" can only act "through them", as they act). Their version of God is basically a virtual construct they use as an excuse to do nothing, and still feel good about themselves. You could say it is not the Christian God (of Truthseeking, Responsibility, Courage and Consequence) but another God (of Neglect and Indulgence). Since you describe yourself as an avid believer, maybe contemplate those aspects of God; and that if God made everything and nothing was before God, then Evil is of course also a product of God, as is the Devil. If everything God made has his divine spark, like every human being, so does the Devil. The Yin to the Yang. And where the good God requires wrath to enact consequence (not to punish but to teach, like a parent telling the kid for umpteenth time to not run into the street), the Devil is necessary to put the test of virtue before you. This is why the Yin/Yang has a dot of the other in its center. You need to know both, integrate them, to be a whole being. God is authority and the Devil is doubt. Authority that is never doubted will always turn into tyranny, and festering doubt that is never constrained will tear everything apart; including yourself. What is required, is balance, mastery of both, not an indulgence in the one side that makes you feel the nicest. Then, maturation begins. And thus, by doubting what those other "personalities" truly are, there may be a way to regain control over yourself, your faculties, and reality at large. May you find good therapy, for it is rare.
Glad I found this video. I display too many signs of these symptoms, and glad I watched this whole video through. I guess that's the first step towards my way out of this terrible affliction.
Thank you for your explanation of the 10 signs of emotional immaturity - now I know I don't have that condition. I was afraid I might but thankfully I don't fit these symptoms. I always learn something from every one of your videos Doctor Grande.
3:18 People who are highly resilient can see the life as a mixed bag of events on which we can have an hold and those which we can't. Most people believe wrongly that they have a significant impact on their life when it is not the case. That's why betting games work so well, that also why we develop beliefs and why the Skinner bow works so well too. So, someone can say "I was unlucky" when he meant: "considering I had no way to change the course of events, it was all bad luck". I have been placed in various institutions and I didn't had a say about it. When I needed furniture, I had no way to get those by myself and they would be bought in a batch with other kids required furniture. As a result, we all started the year with bad notes of our teachers, even when we explained the situation. As a grown up, shit like these still happen. You are working on something, then someone come to you and say it is cancelled or the scope of work has changed. Or, you need to go to an interview, you take a 1h window and there is a strike. So, you have to cancel the interview. There are many important events that will shape your life and on which you have ZERO control. Thinking otherwise is totally immature. That's really a mixed bag of events on which you have more or less control. Recognizing which is which is maturity. Thinking we are always in control or without control is immature. It's really important to emphasis that the extremes ARE what poses problem. It's OK to sometimes recognize you've no control.
Whew... I think I need to lay down and rest just a little bit. I am not ready to crank up the iPad into watching any of the news right now. I have to work this video into my system. Thank you so much...
Another most perfect topic for this time of year Dr. Grande as people are forced in some cases to see family they maybe don't want to see or hear or hear from. Very good topic and good timing. Thank you!!!
Again, very interesting! There are so many echoes of my college classes that you cite, along with my life long learning! Excellent video! Much appreciated! Conscientiousness is so important and I think maybe these days is undervalued. Not so, at all!
Absolutely agree about questioning your own beliefs. I believe we can’t really believe in anything unless we have put our beliefs under scrutiny and maintained an open mind towards different beliefs
Most narc's have the Emotional Intelligence level of a 4-7 year old child, because of past trauma that they refused to heal and overcome. That is why they always act like an insecure weak victim living in an adult body.
Thank you for your willingness to share your knowledge with us, your You Tube classroom! Such a generous and emotionally mature move on your part. You have been a big help to me all this year. I wish you the best for 2020 and selfishly hope for more enlightening videos in the new year. Big thanks.
Please, how about people who struggle in normal life with a serious chronic illness -- SEID, for example. How does that distort an OCEAN score from the start?
Well this is wonderful timing ! My NPD spouse I am planning on leaving (difficult at best under current circumstances...so self-education/growth in the meantime) informed me just yesterday that he will “..NEVER grow up !” This after another violent tirade. If only people knew who he really is..doubt he even knows. Personally, I can’t see how childhood trauma gives one the excuse for their behavior - he certainly knows he cannot act as he does toward me or acts at home when he’s on the job or in public... therefore one can only conclude an abuser/emotionally immature/NPD can learn...they just chose when and if...
1) Well, i honestly have no problem abandoning/hating people that do not respect me at all 2) well, i love to learn, and i know i have flaws, just like everyone. 3)Not really, though i sometimes have the fun tendency to do certain things on my own, because then if it goes wrong, i can not blame the other person and otherwise i just might 4)Depends. I dislike people raising prices up out of the blue, but if i really want something and i can afford it, i am going after it if there is no other way. Got not much trouble waiting though 5)I honestly devide the world into me, people i like, people i do not care about and people i hate. The people i care about i care about, even though i ain't good in showing it often. 6) It depends. If an opinion is well constructed...you know, there comes a point where facts no longer matter and it is all about perspective, always, but i do get near murderous thoughts if someone for an example is claiming with an air of certainty things like the world being flat, SARS-CoV-2 being made in a lab, and 9/11 being an inside job. 7)Again, it depends to who. co workers and family i never chose, so there are cases i gladly lie to those. And i do have a love for finding the gray area of morality and to exploit it now and then. 8)Well, the most important aspect of my life is me, but there are certain few things i care more about then my life though, not many 9) Nope, on the contary, i dislike going over people their boundaries if they are reasonable and i often raise hell if people go over mine 10) Heck no, like said, got a lot to learn always pretty much. So yea, pretty sure i am not 100 percent mature at all, but to be honest, i do not think i even want to be.
Just an observation from the viewer end - when I watch videos like this “10 signs of...” I am at the edge of my seat, waiting for each sign one by one as to make sure I don’t “have the next sign”- it’s a funny yet stressful experience.😰😄 I think I passed the test this time, phew😅 Lovely video!❤️
Thanks for nailing down the overreaction part. For me, it’s solved by taking time to figure out my own intentions before making my choice. Too many times I have oiled the squeaky wheel like a tool. That’s my fault for being lazy in thought.
Dear Dr Grande, whenever I'm anxious, I put on one of your videos and regardless of the topic, your consistently calm style of communication makes me feel better. Thank you
Dr. Grande, I think you provided an excellent overview and link with the Cluster B PDs. Outstanding as always! I do have a question/potential are of disagreement. What is the difference between emotional dependence and "supply"? I know that "supply" is not a clinical word, but often used to describe NPD's and other PD's reliance on others for emotional regulation/identity/etc. It seems to me that the one trait you posit doesn't fit with the Cluster Bs, actually is a major feature of these PDs. However, I'm not sure if I'm potentially conceptualizing this correctly.
iam almost 70. u explain so well...I wish I would have had ur info a long time ago. If a person does not have issues, they will never understand ur knowledge.
I was raised by two emotionally immature parents. I have some of these traits. Emotionally immature at money. . I have been hostile occasionally even if it was held internally. Chaos was a big part of life. Food money instant gratification. I still try and understand and improve.
Can you make a video about dealing with people who are emotionally immature when they're your boss, or someone you have to interact with and show respect to?
Dr. Grande, could you please do a talk about the Social Justice Warrior, or "SJW," phenomenon and whether or not it is inherently narcissistic? Thank you for your channel.
Great, I started watching this to see if my boyfriend is emotionally immature, & find out Im emotionally immature, I checked every box which tells me I must stop looking at ppl around me & focusing on improving myself.
Dr. Grande - is it “histrionic” that I need to look into to help myself out of the situation I am in, via self-education ? Thank you for your teaching/informative videos. Also, the acronym “ocean”...I missed some of the information due to your speaking speed. Thank you !
you can speed up or slow down the video, or/and use the closed caps function. Click the cc on the lower right of the video for the closed caps, and click the little wheel next to it to choose playback speed. Of course, you can rewind a few seconds and replay any portion of the video anytime you want as many times as you want.
@@nicolejoly3259 Doesn't the video have symbols on the lower right hand side of the video? Try a different browser, maybe something isn't showing due to a browser issue. But the bottom edge of the video should show a square that says cc in it, clicking that will give you closed caps. Right next to that should be a symbol that looks like a little gear. If you click that, you get several choices, including playback speed. You can change the speed by choosing a different playback speed. If those features are not showing up try a different browser or different computer. Sometimes that will make a difference for some reason.
Bless your heart! Thing is, how many emotionally immature adults are actually watching this, Doc. far less to the end. I thought about this and reality is few..if any. Then I lost hope until I realized I can use it to stay aware of and away from people and family who are like this. Life is v e r y interesting. NOW, pls excuse me while I go do some breathing exercises. ;- ]] Where the hell are my earbudz?!!
It’s like a self improvement checklist. I feel like tacking these 10 things up on my wall and formulating a plan to work on each one. Seems like a good self improvement strategy regardless of your level of emotional maturity.
My ex husband was very emotionally immature. One of the reasons I left him was because I started feeling more like a mom towards him than a wife to a husband
@goldbrick2563 He was clever. More clever than I. He hid this side of him until it was too late to see him for what he really was. Never overestimate your personal powers of observation. I was arrogant in that respect. It can come back to haunt you. I sincerely hope this answers your question.
This seems to fit someone with suspended cognitive development at the Concrete Operational Stage (Jean Piaget). Basically adults with the mental capacity of a ten-year-old.
@@DefinitelyNotBender @Fred Slocombe I wonder if elements in our society have encouraged it, perhaps with where we are at with our deployment of digital technology, even.
@Crucibelle It could be. My parents divorced when I was under 10 and I really never had a relationship with my father. I never had any adequate role models or actual support growing up until I joined the Navy. That experience totally turned me around. But the source may be environmental and chemical in nature. Like growing up through the era of Leaded gasoline and nuclear bomb testing.
I live with someone like this. Thank you, Dr. Grande. I realize how much I need to get away from this person, with his covert narcissism and passive aggressive behavior.
I used to be a severe narcissist. But I matured and got rid of that. Now I am perfect.
😂🤣😂
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
🤣good1
Lol
🤣
1. Lack of empathy.
2. Over reaction to life lessons.
3.Failing to take responsibility. Blaming somebody else.
4. Immediate gratification . Financially irresponsible.
5. Self centeredness. Can't see past their own desires
6. Hostility, personally attack other people if they don't agree.
7. Deception, criminality, manipulation.
8. Shallow
9. Difficulty setting boundaries.
10. Individual has no room for growth, they think they know it all.
No room for personal development.
@Morag Magic Perfect and complete description of NPD.
On a bad day I admit I am 25% emotionally immature. Dang.
How many of these signs someone should exhibit so he/she is officially considered as emotionally immature?
1, 4, 7, 8... oof
People with cluster B personality disorder are also emotionally stunted so these characteristics may apply to them. So this list can be used to detect toxic people as well.
Most relationship problems stem from emotional immaturity. Great video!
You is woke becuz you is a Bible reader 😍
I was just just thinking that besides teenagers emotional immaturity is one of the signs of alot of different mental and emotional problems.
especially women...happy wife, happy life. if your wife is not happy emotionally and financially chaos in the family
@@franciscofco
Naw, I woke her a-s up
@@loonylinn8824
That is the truth
In emotional intelligence we see 5 areas
1. Self insight (understanding your emotions and why they appear)
2. Self regulation (being able to calm oneself down or cheer oneself up)
3. Self motivation (motivating oneself to do boring tasks)
4. Empathy
5. Relational skills (being able to initiate and keep relations to other people)
thank you!!
Emotionally immature adults are no joke. My brother is emotionally immature at age 60, and has wrought destruction on our entire family for decades. He has every trait that you mentioned. Thank you for posting.
My mother, too
My 1st daughter.
You have #3.
*10 Signs of Emotional Immaturity*
1. Lack of empathy (2:46)
2. Overreaction to life circumstances (3:12)
3. Failing to take responsibility (blaming) (3:42)
4. Need for immediate gratification (4:30)
5. Self-centeredness (5:36)
6. Hostility (quick to anger) (6:08)
7. Deception (6:42)
8. Shallowness (7:20)
9. Difficulty setting boundaries (7:38)
10. No room for growth (know everything) (8:06)
Thanks
Thanks , these 10 signs also can refer to your work situations
@Natasha Mudford
That's so nice of you➖😊🦋✨ Thank you!
Thank you!
My ex-boss. 🙄
I’m realizing as I watch this that I’ve matured emotionally a huge amount over the last five years.
Fern: A lot of my emotional maturity really started in my 40s. I think that my Buddhist meditation practice, followed by a long and severe health crisis, were the good and bad things that helped me and also forced me to grow up (at least to a certain extent.)
👏 👏 👏
Good for you! x 🍀
I'm guessing you just hit late 20s.
@Samuel That just shows your level of maturity to say some foolishness like that
Who else just realized they have a few of these traits 😬🙋♀️😣
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?????!!!!!
@@bjarnyg 🤣
At least you're not having number 10 :)
The saving grace is that this is not my common baseline state. Like the last one is eight years ago, when I got fed up with a man who fits a profile of NPD as projecting his actual misdeeds done to me and others onto me as committing all these heinous actions, but without mentioning the persons whom I had supposedly mistreated.
I think perhaps that his goal was to place enough threats on me that he could increase his control over me as being faced with an authority whom others would believe over me. None of the people mistreated were accessible to me to counter his claims, if he decided to smear me. He eventually did that via phone tree globally so I could not find another school or teacher to accept me. This included flying monkeys stalking me from the west coast to the east coast, and north to south on the west coast from Seattle to southern California looking for a school or teacher. Essentially, he told me to leave but would not let me go to find my own way or receive an education I deeply desired. He kicked me out, but left me nowhere else to go. So control by very long leash accomplished.
He also as filed a civil stalking complaint against me by a method of creating a SLAPP suit to gag me about what I knew and suspected about the advanced-degree Buddhist education college he founded, and his “ secret consort” practices and raped nuns (😳). I could not afford a lawyer, and of course all the witnesses were his employees or grad students. I am now socially branded as now bearing a lifetime, publicly accessible civil stalking order against me.
He maneuvered this to eventually become weaponized as one of several methods he uses to coerce me. As he has since disintegrated and spiraled into depravities such as money scams, alcoholism, promiscuous sex, and manipulating especially vulnerable female students to the point of agora phobia and psychotic breaks. I did two things: 1) occasionally mentioned that he might consider a “life coach” when he showed restlessness with his current career path - the subtext being to get him in the door of the mental health system without a red flag with a friendly sounding professional; 2) hold out as long as I could when I recognized that he was preparing to discard, in hopes it could come out as his leaving me so as to free myself from any expected return.
It appears that I failed at the second one, when he drew me in to be able to use the civil order against me, if he became displeased with me.
Beware the jabberwalky *and* the narcissist, my friend.
The suit forbids me to speak of these events, by the way. This happened in Oregon. Let this statement I am making stand as proof Civil disobedience is not in vain.
The serial rapist monk in the organization that sponsored the college was arrested for attempted rape of a woman passenger on an Air India flight May 3, 2019. He was arrested in India. It was then that at least five disavowed nuns came forward from all over the world, but who never had known about each other, to attest to their rapes. The head of the organization never spoke with the authorities about this monk, despite the nuns having reported the rape to him as their immediate superior. All he did was tell the nuns to tell no one this had happened to them, and placed the monk on “watch” by a vote of the board. They said they had no complaints in a decade. The nuns were offered no medical care of counseling.
Lord knows how many other rapes he committed. There were young women a plenty who came to his teachings. No one would say anything after the treatment of the nuns, if anything did happen.
So, as for me, I am forced to the conclusion that there may be a little narc in all of us, even the sainted when you include Jesus’ trashing the money traders market at the temple.
Thanks, Doc Grande, for making this knowledge openly available. Transparency rules❣️
Yes
So you're telling me as a child I was emotionally mature... just to grow up to be emotionally immature
Very good
That took a huge spin…
Lol
Happens a lot. It’s why children are supposed to take a long time to grow up. They mature correctly that way
thiiiss
I was fortunate to be an offspring of parents who were very mature, especially my father, tested by adversity and having excellent abilities to put off gratification and exercise self-restraint. What a legacy.
My husband is very mature. He is the most selfless, responsible man i know.
He grew up without a dad and he wanted to lighten his widowed mother’s load. He started working at a young age.
He makes this world a better place to live because he is a caring, godly servant to all.
I am one who he has blessed and he has taught me so much.
@@gwenjenkins155 What a beautiful comment😌 you are very much blessed and your husband is very blessed to have a woman like you.
I feel the same way about my parents - SO lucky to have been born to the two of them. With only a few examples to the contrary, for the entirety of my life until my father passed 5 years ago, they were consistently my example of what should be a loving Union.
My father is very mature and wise I feel, he taught my mother how to be in life. I think that he passed down his maturity and thinking to me and my siblings.
Wow so many beautiful stories in the comment section. Having a stable and wise father goes a long way.
There’s always a place for improvement when we talk about emotional maturity. Thanks Doc for this interesting video.
Judy Lee can’t expect 😅
Number one sign I am emotionally immature: I am too scared to actually watch the video.
You would have bypassed this video if that were true.
Eerst een slok water nemen dan?
water drinker Yeah me too.
Nobody on the planet is perfect; but a lot think they are!
@@verenigingvandemagogen4548 Een slokje Vodka misschien.
I feel a little embarrassed to share this, but it’s genuinely caused me a lot of grief for a long time, and I’m sincerely hoping somehow my story will help somebody else.
I was not diagnosed with ADHD until adulthood, and though it’s been hard to recognise these patterns in my behaviour (about 8 years since I first realised that something was wrong, because my peers had all overtaken me socially and emotionally), I am now starting to see that I am unlucky enough to still be very emotionally and socially immature, I think it’s likely a byproduct of ADHD.
I’m self-aware enough to know that my current level of emotional maturity at twenty is about the same as it was when I was ten. I’m not proud of how I behave, and I see my psychiatrist weekly to try and work out these things about myself, which has already really helped me to understand myself and my flaws, and where I should improve. Unfortunately I’m still trying to figure out the “how”, but I think I’m happier than I ever was just being able to understand that everything I went through in school, especially the confusion, anxiety, self-doubt and depression was likely tied to this reason. I’m not better, I haven’t matured yet on those fronts, but I am getting help now and I just want to be seen like a normal person even though sometimes I can’t help but act like a child.
(And unfortunately yes, I experience all these signs discussed in the video. It is always nice to have explanations though, thank you Dr. Grande!)
Dont be embarrassed
You are seeing it so young
Im 66 and still a mess
All the best
Knowing what’s wrong is the first step to fixing the problem. Good luck.
Don’t worry too much about this !
We are all like ten year olds trying to act like adults and pretending we have our shit together 🤷♀️
This comment rules. I almost feel like we are the same person. I see someone too, the fact you said everything you said outloud is a giant sign of growth❤
Don’t stress too much. I am 31 and a mother of 2 little boys and just got diagnosed with adhd this summer. I look back on my life with a lot more understanding given the new context I can put things in after my diagnosis.
At 20 your brain is still developing. And in the bigger scheme of things this development could be considered your brain’s “finishing touches”. . . But oh my goodness it makes such a big difference once that frontal cortex is fully developed. I remember the changes I felt about life and people and myself at 26 when those changes were close to finished. It’s amazing how different you become when the wiring is complete.
Just keep working on yourself and trying your best. Your self-awareness and willingness to be better is like 90% of the solution.
You got this, honey.
This is my father, who was diagnosed with Malignant NPD, and my mother when she was alive (she never went to a therapist because she thought she was completely perfect). Just the other day I asked my dad, "hey, when you're at Walmart today can you pick up a kitchen garbage can? as I just got out of the hospital and am still dealing with a bad infection). Immediately he starts screaming at the top of his lungs about how he's so unappreciated, and that's he's very special and important but nobody is giving him a mansion on a private tropical island because they don't value his worth to society (he does nothing), and then of course come the barrage of insults - calling me every filthy word you can imagine (and I used to be in law enforcement and have been called a lot of things - but my own father is much, much, much worse). So yep, losing his mind for 1 1/2 hours over a garbage can.
Love your name! Just bob him one in the nose to snap him out of it...then again, it will be something else for him to complain about. Stay strong girl, and keep your distance. Understandable if he is your only touchstone when you are down and out. God Bless you!
I hope you can laugh at his ridiculousness. My father and then my ex husband pulled stuff like this. I moved across the country to get away from them. I would've picked up your trashcan for you, no worries.
Oh my. My poor sons. I lived in fear and allowed their father to be verbally n emotionally abusive. I was selfish too scared. Please know you are not the issue! It was your dad.
mantrum
It's NOT about the garbage can.
10 Signs of Emotional Immaturity
1. Lack of empathy: failure to feel it or use it.
2. Overreaction to life circumstances, the tendency to move towards chaos: connected to external locus of control, acting on emotions, and impulsivity (contentiousness).
3. Failure to take responsibility and/or blaming others: inability to take ownership.
4. Immediate gratification and failure to plan ahead: connected to impulsivity (neuroticism), financial irresponsibility.
5. Self-centredness: inability to see past one’s desires and acknowledge effects on others.
6. Hostility: quick to anger, pronounced hatred of others, failure to dissociate people from their opinions.
7. Deception: criminality, manipulation for money and fame, pathological lying (extreme form).
8. Being unable to experience and understand deep feelings and needs specifically to shallowness.
9. Difficulty setting boundaries: failure to break up toxic/damaging relationships or habits.
10. Belief in having accomplished personal development and growth: disinterest in learning deeply about life.
Oh shit!🥴
Dave sounds like you then Dave 😂 Eric and Dave stick the gangster granny mother in an asylum because they don’t agree with you! Is that how your narcissistic family works? Mags takes over as matriarch and everyone bows down to every word that your family says?
My family have no history of mental health issues whatsoever until dealing with your family and my fertility treatment! It’s all conditioning and control that effects people!
self awareness is the ticket 🎫
Truly😅
Yes
Always Grande, never grandiose!👏👏👏👏👏 Thank you always Dr Grande
Your comment in DSMPRESSIVE!
I'm not emotionally immature! *_You're_* emotionally immature!!! *Times infinity!!*
Nope, you are! *Times infinity SQUARED!!* 😅😝
@@Johny40Se7en LOL....Cubed!!!
Oh yeah? Well, your FACE is immature!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😍
I know you are but what am I??????
One important fact to recognise for anyone falling into these traits, is that regardless of how many negative traits they have, if they are willing to recognise these weaknesses and make some positive changes then that is a sign of emotional maturity. At the end of the day it is all about self reflection and emotional intelligence. Just start with learning to love yourself and others....
well stated!!
You HAVE to love yourself first. The world will never offer the kind of love you need. Start with you and build relationships with those individuals who do love you. Stop worrying about what people mutter on the internet.
Most people are emotionally immature until about age 27. But learning emotional maturity at a young age from a good parent or mentor is like a superpower.
I don't wanna get old I don't wanna become adult I just wanna sit home watch movies and play videogames and I'm 24 is it normal?
I agree with you.
I hope I can teach it to my kids
I was a flake into my 40s. I’m 71 now and have my s in one sea bag 😊
wtf lol,.
love this man, his voice is so calm and reassuring he doesn't judge he just gives you his own insight to the situation. M. D. X
It took me 13 weeks of 'dating' a bloke to spot every single one of these signs. I bounced.. He's mum can take care of that.
Sadly too familiar. I wish them all the best - from the distance!
I wish everyone could grow up knowing about this list, esp. for those of us who are empaths coming from an all-narc family.
omg so am I.....and it was hell living with my family & 4 Siblings. They left me with little Self Esteem and you usually wind up being together with another M. Narcissist.
I'm an empath who grew up with. One Covert narcissist parent. This was really difficult.
@@fightingtosurvive6527 how the fuck can you be an empath if you grew up in a family full of narcs? Narcissisism at the end of the day is a certain type of mentality and people form mentalities according to their family, thats why there is a saying that everything comes from home, so if you grew up in a household of narcs then you have to have their mentality at least to some degree....
Many narcissists think that they are empaths just because they are sensitive but the sensitivity stems from weakness and not from empathy and compassion. A nice guys syndrome at best.
Well I learnt too late that my immaturity caused hell and toxicity . I thought my family was horrible alcohol ect .. if I had acted from a place of maturity I would have helped myself and those around me
@@michaels7366 thankyou I agree I thought everyone else was the problem my childhood ect I've caused hell thinking I'm a saint truly , most horrific wake up call. I have children ! They need a parent !
Unfortunately, I have regressed in my emotional maturity during this pandemic. 😔 I hope I can get back to my pre-corona emotional stability and maturity level.
Fatigue makes cowards of us all. Myself included.
I think many people have, don't think you are alone. Affirmations are my go to...start with: I am worthy...I can contribute to society by (xyz), I can take care of myself, I am enough, I am loving...you can even google affirmations if you need to...If you are feeling paralyzed by fear, just take baby steps. I write affirmation on my bathroom mirror with a dry eraser marker. Right now on my mirror is: Heal or Move On! Basically meaning I can hold on to: fear, suffering, being a victim, the virus, staying stuck in my situation or move forward in my live to be the best I can be. (Don't make your standards too high, so you don't fail, maybe the best you can be today is to take a walk outside: for exercise, for fresh area, to smile at the neighbors, to enjoy the clouds, blue sky or the birds singing). Maybe the next day is to do the same, without a mask! You'll be ok! And if you are afraid of the virus stop watching the news, we are being bombarded with fear! God Bless!
@@humaneleaguelancPA very well said!
I am going through same
Faced lot
My girlfriend left me too
Why was i more emotionally mature when i was a child than now?
Fear...explore it!
That can be caused by mental illness, substance abuse, head injuries, Alzheimers or dementia. They damage the emotion regulation and executive functions that develop as people mature from children to adults. I don't like when people use the term "immaturity" in these cases, because it makes it sound like the person just needs to "GROW UP!". It promotes impatience and anger, and prevents people from realizing that their loved ones need medical treatment. You can't just will yourself out of these conditions.
Not wanting too face responsibility as adult because no childhood?
Maybe you were forced to mature before your time like I was you weren't allowed to be a kid. So that interrupted and stunted some of your development.
It's called reverting, a coping measure, often induced by feelings of insecurity,
I don't think any of us in the comment section, suffer from #10.
Great video!
TRUE we do not.
Yes, what are your thoughts on the accuracy of the Myers Briggs personality types, based on Carl Jung's theories? Seems like it could not align with science because of the possibility of subjective manipulation from the subject. I say that because a subject or patient could know beforehand certain characteristics and simply malinger so that they fit into their desired type. Many people may desire a certain type. Do you have any opinions on Jung's theories? Fascinating even if undependable.
Grandiose attitude's are displayed by narc's and won't take responsibility or show or feel empathy and verbally abusive,narc's have no boundaries and create drama !!!
Normal people think the world has so much knowledge to learn and accept fault and are prepared to work on flaws...
Thanks Dr Grande.
"Normal people" don't exist
Got that right!!
@@DefinitelyNotBender True there are no label's...
@@kathryncarter6143 Thank you 🙏🏻🙂
there is vulnerable narcissism too, I have found out, via youtube.
I believe that I'm probably emotionally immature. I'm not entirely sure what to do about it to be honest. I think most of this belief is based on a perceived inability to function on my own, given the difficulties that I've faced and continue to face. I have terrible inhibition control, difficulty setting boundaries, and terrified of being my own person in view of my parents. Even working full time I don't believe it'll be enough to live on my own. Thanks for the insightful video.
Since you're wise enough to see it you're better off than the people thinking they're doing awesome.. it's those folks I look at sideways with concern. It's like who doesn't have some immaturity somewhere or aspects of their character that need improving, or bad habits that need to change all throughout their life? I mean if you think the guy giving this talk doesn't have issues in his character you'd have to be pretty naïve. /:) ..so your life circumstances aside, since you appear conscientious about your impact on those around you, I think your focus would be best served on self empowerment to mentally strengthen your resolve to believe that it's ok for you to succeed. Sort of go from fear to faith if you will. Because you may not be emotionally immature per say it may just be experientially immature as you are (and i'm guessing) pretty young. Hope that helps. Don't be so hard on yourself.. life will do that for you! :)
Good luck, you're already past the first step. Keep going, keep trying, keep searching :)
Part of your comment speaks to earnings. Start where you can, it is amazing how low one's cost of living can go if living independently is the goal. Just recognize the tradeoff and make the choice that allows for the most growth.
@@BindingTheYoke
I'm Encouraged by your comment. Thank You Very Much
@@linw7320 no worries ;)
Dr. Grande, it would be great if you could talk about the effects of being raised by an emotionally immature parent.
That would be my parents to a tee. Both of them.
@@williamsherman1089 The last time I saw them, I couldn't process how immature my parents were. I guess it's a good thing to be shocked by an adult name calling others. I can see if you are alone in your car, and somrone dangerously cuts in front of you, but straight to someone's face is just unacceptable.
Sadly, people like that can bring even the most healthy person down. Dysfunction really is contagious.
@@LisaMaryification yeah and then they wanna tell you how old school they are, I grew up in the seventies and eighties and did have a few good role models on how mature adults were expected to behave.
I was raised by emotionally immature parents. It’s very difficult to develop skills with that kind of role model. I was shunned by a lot of kids in school for not having the right social skills and I didn’t know what I did wrong. I still feel I have missing pieces to my personality.
@@marietteestabrook4098 by watching and learning it sounds like you have out grown your parents already :) sorry you had a hard time at school.
I have two…I can be financially irresponsible and I struggle with setting boundaries…I’m working on it!
Good on ya’! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
This is a useful guideline for ongoing introspection and opportunities for self growth.🇿🇦😎🙏
Isabella Holden,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌹🌹🥀
I was once told by a coworker that I looked good for 38. I told her the secret was I have the emotional maturity of a guy half my age :)
Stolen.
Lol 😂
🤣🤣🤣
You the Man
Haha I'm 40 but people think I look 30, my childishness is definitely part of it lol 😂
Thank you for your channel. My thought is the emotion immaturity biggest effect is in marriages where one partner is able to plan and get ahead...but... living with someone like this is absolute chaos and frustrating....they just toss everything away...but they can't see that.
I can finally put in words what the hell is wrong with me! I've spent all my aldolescence and youth on finding out by myself how to improve myself and thought that I've some sort of serious disorders. I'm glad that despite the lack of access to this information, I found my ways to deal with my immaturity, and help myself to grow up as much as I could. Now I can work on myself more efficiently.
I'm glad you discovered that your worth is within. That's a sign of integrity to me. It's having a well-defined internal compass and actively aligning your actions with it. I think it's easy to get caught up in what others think and using that as a basis of action. All you get from that is battered and torn up. To thine own self be true. Polonius in Hamlet. Wishing all the best to you!
A good book to read is "Growing Up in College" by Douglas Heath. At the back of the book is a multi-page questionnaire. At the time I discovered this book, I picked every single immature response. Every single one! I was really flustered at this, and it confirmed the criticisms made of me by other people for decades. I did not move out of my parents' house until I was 27.
One thing about these signs of emotional immaturity: I am not going to take responsibility for someone else’s immature behavior. So don’t hold me accountable for my normal reaction to what someone else does.
#3 - you initially labeled it "failing to take responsibility and blaming others" but then you followed up by saying that someone with this trait is "unable to differentiate their responsibilities from other people's responsibilities". Would this still be emotionally immature if it worked in the opposite direction? If someone took on other people's responsibilities as well as their own? Similarly for #2, if instead of feeling like they had no personal control, they felt like they had to take control of everything and everyone? If emotional immaturity is the inability to deal with reality, I would assume it is immature to be on either extreme end of the spectrum of these traits...
Yes, though it seem counter intuative.
thats some fresh way of looking at it
The locus of control part made me think exactly the same, that too strong locus of control is immature as well.
Especially naive people who think they can literally completely change the world if they work hard enough for it.
But I didn’t realise the parallel with responsibility.
Seems plausible with inferiority complex for example.
It makes sense, because lack of boundaries is another sign. And I would say allowing other people to walk over you and doing too much for people is being unable to set healthy boundaries.
You have to look at the function of the behavior. So, no, in this case, your example is not opposite sides of the same spectrum. Being extra responsible or hard-working is not the same as being irresponsible or lazy. If it is pathological, it is a different type of pathology. Perhaps narcissism or learned survival behaviors, not immaturity. I think you make a better case about #2, however, at least people who take control are trying to deal with reality, not run away from it.
Thank you for creating this. I had childhood trauma, have been in and out of counseling as a child and young adult. My husband actually helped me alot! If I were to say something a certain way (tone of voice) he would help me re say it. After a few years, I see the benefits. I came across this video and thought "why not. If I am still emotionally immature, I can work on that next"
I know it's not a diagnosis. I feel much better after watching it. ❤
Don't let anyone call you 'crazy' for seeking therapy. It's the people who refuse to set foot in a therapist's office who are 'crazy'.
This made me very very uncomfortable and I started shaking): i believe in growth maybe I got time ? I’m 21
You just took the first step, yes you have time, onwards and upwards beautiful.
😊good 1 first step .Realizing and admitting.
You're brave for watching the video
Plenty of time! Anyone of any age can change and grow, and you’re still very young. :)
Your brains not even fully developed. You've got years hun.
Test someone's emotional maturity by telling him he's not mature. If he shouts, "Am not! You are!" you are correct.
I know you are but what am I
I know I am but what are you?
If emotional immaturity is a mental disorder, then half the planet is disordered lmao 😂
That explains a lot, right?
Only half?!
And the other half are insane.
That’s because there are No schools teaching Emotional Maturity
99% are riddled with biases. Biases is the side effect of being in survival mode. The only topic of worth is biases. Yet this video owner does not cover this topic, instead covering safe topics that safely gather an audience. So he is a victim of his ego, just like everybody else, just a puppet on a string. Feelsgoodman.
Holy crap! I had always gotten along well with my husband's aunt until she moved in with us about a year ago. She hits on every single one of these traits. She doesn't like my son for the dumbest reason and literally screams at him for, again, the dumbest reasons yelling, "I am right and you are wrong!" even after my son tries to reason with her. He's only 12 and exhibits way more maturity than she does. She is extremely financially irresponsible and always blames others for her terrible lot in life. Her stories about her life are often grandiose, telling them in a way that will elicit an OMG reaction. I have stories for all these traits, but this comment is long enough as it is. I want this woman out of my house, if only for the sake of my children and my own mental health. She never exhibits these traits when my husband is around. He is her favorite nephew. At first, he wouldn't believe me or the kids because when he would talk to her about them, she would place the blame on us for the rift, but story after story after story of the kids and me telling like it is finally opened his eyes to the true nature of this toxic woman. He's finally told her that she needs to start looking for another place to live. Only when she's out of my house will I finally be able to breathe.
Thank you for bringing the topic into light, Dr. Grande!! Another sticking sign in emotional immaturity is the narcissism itself. When someone chose to behave badly towards another who already OBVIOUSLY helped them, it is a denial of absolute truth before their faces. Again, thank you Doc, and God bless🙏🤞
How common is it for someone to have empathy for animals and can't stand the thought of the neglect that goes on every day , but have next to no empathy for people ?
Good question .
Social maturity - Personal Dev ideals & ethics. Questioning parents’ values
Personality maturity
Empathy, overreaction/external control locus, failing to take responsibility & blaming others
Immediate gratification/can’t plan ahead, self-centeredness, hostility (opinion from person)
Deception, Doesn’t understand deep feelings, boundaries, cynicism/no room for growth
I like the calm, logical direct delivery that Dr. Grande gives. I watch these videos to see the traits in others and also to see them within me. I'm definitely a mixture of many things. Subscribed.
I find every one of Dr. Grande's videos Interesting, helpful and insightful! We should always have room to learn and grow mentally and emotionally. Nothing is more unbecoming than meeting adults in grown bodies that haven't grown in their mind and behaviors.
Wisdom in age isn't valued as much as it used to be. There's more of an emphasis on cosmetic proceedures like Botox to stay young. Which leads me to question how people create constructs of how they view themselves.
Appears to be a sort of general catch-all description of the broad range of Cluster B traits, clinical or subclinical.
Thanks, Doctor!
Thank you. That was very helpful: clear and well-explained. I was looking at this because my wife is emotionally immature, but I found at least one aspect of emotional immaturity in myself, as well
Your comments are always enlightening. Some of the things I've learned here about myself were a bit surprising, but at the least, revealing, causing me to give deeper thought to my emotional problems and face what I don't like about myself and my reactions and try to correct my shortcomings using logic. I think I'm feeling better about myself, although I occasionally still dwell on what I have felt were the injustices of being raised by a narcissist. After a silen, angry snit and self pity I remind myself that, sadly, he is gone now. I'm realizing, that even late as it is I can live my own life and any mistakes I make now are only mine.
It is an excruciating difficult path to walk, treading the fine line between subjecting one's self to further tormenting and abuse and taking responsibility for what we now have control over that perhaps, we didn't before. But it can be done and we are doing it. Realisation is already an important step in part of the healing process. I always try to remember that it's not my fault but it is now my responsibility. I wish you well and success in your healing journey.
Thank you for this, it's made me realize that my previous relationship failed due to emotional immaturity of my ex rather than me as I was led to believe.
Boris Ramirez U were led to believe bc u were married to a malignant narcissist it sounds to me. Unless I missed something that is my conclusion.
that may have been projection and on top, both of you may have been. i portant option to not miss.
as they say: "only an abc recognizes and abc."
Thank you. This was great.
Personally, I believe that Emotional Immaturity is merely the soil and feeding ground for real Personality Disorders, including aspects of the Dark Triad that you mention. Emotional Immaturity presents itself differently in people and is certainly related to their upbringing, the challenges and turmoil (or lack thereof) they faced in life. How destabilizing that is depends on which aspects are stunted/neglected in their growth. In my experience, a lot of abusive relationships seek out emotionally immature people as prey (while of course many predators are also emotionally immature, have personality disorders, including being part of the Dark Triad, of course).
Have you considered that those who are abusers tend to abuse those already abused? I was abused in a cult that continually sexually victimized me beginning in infancy. Later, I was freq. targeted by teachers, neighbors, bosses, etc. I didn't even realize because they had intentionally created other personalities for me to switch to during abuse. I married a horrific abuser and it was evident soon after the fact (I left him 7 wks. later) what had transpired. I have avoided marriage since. I realized that most of those I connected with where abusers because they "knew" I was a victim. Some studies have proven this out including some interviews with Ted Bundy.
@@susanrhodes5681 Whether predators on children or "mere" mobbing in school by other kids; abusers have a finely tuned intuitive radar as to who is a good target, one that won't fight back, make much of a fuss. One who was already wounded often keeps carrying that wound easy to spot for such exploitative people; they see an easy outlet for the frustrations or perversions, power plays and manipulations, mind games, false hopes, the carrot dangling right in front you that you never reach and the other "fun" bits between double binds and physical attacks.
Only when we learn to draw boundaries, grow our assertiveness, they will not go for us anymore. The game may be a bit different at first, but it is one you can only master through experience. You do not hide your wounds from the noses of the predators by conceiling them, but by being "dangerous" yourself. Not in the "evil" sense, but in the sense of defending yourself no matter what and projecting that in your demeanor and posture. Martial arts can help a lot with this (not a simple "self defense course", but a true committed years long study of a martial art that you resonate with). The result is confidence and assertiveness, a lack of helplessness if you will, and the predator then is less likely to "smell" you. Because you carry around an aura of being trouble, or at least of not being easy prey.
Many vulnerable men face similar problems with their relationships, and even consider scrapping future relationship endeavors entirely. The MGTOW-movement or what some think that to be is one offshoot of that notion. The same goes for "political lesbians"; heterosexual women that chose to be lesbians (which doesn't really work that way, and real lesbians can tell from not very gratifying sexual experiences with them) are an equivalent on the other side.
What most likely happened to these people is their "attraction-radar" being primed towards abusive types of the opposite sex. Our first relationship often primes us in this, and when it was a bad one, the next one seems like a carbon copy replacement of the old in many cases. A friend of mine had 5 girlfriends with Borderline Personality Disorder in a row; he is a psychologically abused mess and has a bunch of behaviour fleas from them as well, but is working on it. He also has a history of psychological abuse in his childhood, including teachers.
In order to find a more... bearable... relationship, it may help to view your "attraction-radar" rather as a warning tool. When that "got the hots" info-LED goes blinking in your head, rather consider whether you see similar patterns to your former abusers, and use that blinking light as a warning of turning around, and checking out the potential partners that it does not go off on. This feels very counterintuitive at first, but you will quickly get to know a wider variety of personality types and people, and become a better judge of character, instead of just being drawn to the same type over and over.
The common MGTOW-stories I've read and heard all seem to swarm around manipulative (psychologically abusive) Cluster-B women, while the equivalent of abused females have more classic physically violent psychopaths in their mix.
In the near trauma-clinic where they also deal with complex-PTSD, and where I hope to finally get a spot next year, many sexually abused women developed some inherent phobia of the male sexual organ. To the point that some mothers are unable to bathe their male babies. Hence why transwomen have to go to the mixed unit. This "phallophobia" as I would dub it, is a natural reaction that can occur in the aftermath of PTSD, as it lowers your threat-resolution (so that similar things trigger the same threat-response) and thus conflates "has penis" with "is 100% threat", despite no other semblance to the original perpetrator, simply because of the presence of the same "item" used to commit the atrocious crime. If unaddressed this can develop into outright man-hatred, and some radical feminists do recruit their numbers from such women. Some Mothers who seek to force-transition their male children can also have these histories behind them. They end up with very... detrimental coping mechanisms. Detrimental to their surroundings especially.
Long term psychological abuse, especially from cults, easily results in complex PTSD, which can be addressed therapeutically, as I implied above. However, the therapy is as much hell as the condition, anxiety, tension, hypervigilance, flashbacks and complete psychogenic crampattacks/breakdowns themselves. But a hell with an end, and more normal life ahead afterwards. My personal advice is to look up a good trauma-clinic and sign up; the waiting lists for these are very long; so the earlier the better. These intense stories I would not advise to treat in an ambulant fashion.
I don't know Dr Grande's opinion on the following, but personally I have found great understanding about my experiences and condition, and those of my abusers and their... well-meaning, but inevitably naive and harmful defenders...:
Take a look at the channel "TheraminTrees"; an ex-therapist, who also shares stories about bad therapy, cult-behaviour, psychological abuse in general, as well as strategies and necessities to get out of them and what (surprisingly good) chances you have. Of course this cannot replace a good ambulant psychotherapist, but it sure as hell is a good foundation and orientation; and as with Dr Grande's videos, a lot to chew, process and sometimes... quite painful.
In my personal experience, and those I deal with, these abuse stories can never be longterm-treated with meds; they require psychotherapy, behavioural as well as specialized (c-)PTSD. That opens up a lot of processing resources, can help you regain your creativity thusly and also remove an associated depression. Most therapists just treat the depression, although those are merely symptoms of the underlying trauma. Solve the latter, and the depressive symptoms crumble. The common anti-depression techniques and necessities should of course still be employed while you are dealing with the symptoms, to keep you going.
As a last note, I am just a layman. I'm a patient that did not get the treatment I needed, for various reasons - one being a decrepit and corrupt healthcare system in my state in Germany. I only read up a lot when I still could out of necessity, and kept what works for me and my closer acquaintances. I have dealt with >20 years of chronic depression without outside help (despite seeking), which turned out to be a side effect of my gender dysphoria. The new depression... well, that's the new crap I deal with.
Thus my conclusions here may be flawed and biased, and I hope not too much, at best nothing, of what I told here is wrong and harmful.
Please, be well. There is a future, even if you can't see it yet.
@@susanrhodes5681 I pondered about whether I should reply or not. You can imagine this is usually not advised with such tales.
However, I fail to keep it short:
I will note here that Dr Grande did a great video on the history of "DID" that I would recommend you watching.
Having had some experience with various narcissists and borderliners, the latter of which some claimed to have DID, I came to the following layman conclusion/hypothesis with a similarly invested buddy of mine:
When we think, truly think, actively, consciously, we create something I would roughly describe as "temporary virtual constructs", mock characters with pseudo-consciousnesses. Think of it like writing a stageplay, but doing improv for all the people involved. This is part of how I imagine cognitive empathy functions. Due to our variant of autism, this is an unusually conscious process, compared to how non-autists describe it.
Basically, you imagine a character, fictional or someone you know according to what you know and expect of that person, and ask or wonder "How would that person react, act, answer, question, behave, be affected?" The virtual machine is then handed to your unconscious and it plays out intuitively, according to the stats and traits you have about the person or attributed to the fictional character.
Essentially, this is how prayer works: The question "What would Jesus do?" is asking the assumed construct you have of the character Jesus, or what God would answer according to your interpretation of God, running that through your subconscious, and it spitting out a logical response according to your assumptions and biases.
Thus you can get your prayers "answered" by this virtuous being. If you equate the subconscious or "soul" with something divine, this is not even necessarily contradictory to your belief.
However, the mechanics work the same with any other construct, like the classic "advocatus diavoli" - the necessary critic who tests all your ideas for their flaws.
Narcissism can be understood in various ways; personally I favour the one of what you call "DID" but with just "one" personality over the core: The Godpersona that is perfect and sheltering the real, stunted, emotionally immature personality that is likely a product of abuse and neglect, oedipal parenting. It's like the Godpersona has an oedipal relationship with the real, underdeveloped core.
This Godpersona is essentially a virtual construct, like those described above, but given access to all the faculties. The stunted core could still override that at all times, but refuses to, as it is easier beneath the protection of the virtual construct.
The virtual construct is basically a coping mechanism to shield the real core personality again further abuse; thus, it the Godpersona is proven flawed or wrong in any way, it cracks and breaks and the stunted 5yo child breaks through and throws a tantrum, appropriate for its age - despite a 30-50yo body.
The Godpersona is essentially a self-created fantasy world, an escapism.
A similar coping mechanism seems to be what is called "DID" at large, but with several virtual constructs. Some borderliners especially use this as a constant dodge for responsibility and being proven wrong. Reactions like "Oh, my other personality thought that initially, I actually agree with you", just to not have to admit being wrong. Those types seem much less like actual distinct personalities, but just cardboard cutouts used as diversions and distractions. They are almost created at random and at will, for whatever the situation requires. Thus unlikely large numbers of such "beings" accumulate.
Just like the narcissistic Godpersona, it looks like an extensive bad coping mechanism for a core-personality that cannot bear being wrong about anything or flawed in any way; whether this is to prevent further deep wounds or is a mere product of emotional immaturity, is of secondary interest in my eyes.
The virtual constructs ("personalities") are just virtual constructs. Characters on a stage, whom you, the core (of self/being), allowed superuser-access to your various faculties to take over as auto-pilot AIs, existing to shield the core from harm and responsibility. However, they cause further harm and trouble in your life down the line, like playing a different character every day, will put people around you off.
You can reduce them back to what they are: Characters on a stage playing adlib to help you puzzle out a situation. However, that means that you, the core, take back control of all aspects of your life, and thus, responsibility for everything that happens, everything you do, to yourself and others.
Taking such responsibility is part of that divine message, as far as I understand the more "mature" variants of christianity.
The immature ones, like for example pentacostals, focus solely on the aspect of the Holy Ghost, that if they just pray hard enough, fullfills their wishes and does their worldly chores required to be an upright citizen, while they just lay back, put their feet up, and think themselves good people (i.e. in cowardice of giving testimony for an abuse victim, they will instead just pray that the holy ghost makes the world right, and feel they have done sufficient duty; all the while they wilfully forget that said "holy ghost" can only act "through them", as they act). Their version of God is basically a virtual construct they use as an excuse to do nothing, and still feel good about themselves. You could say it is not the Christian God (of Truthseeking, Responsibility, Courage and Consequence) but another God (of Neglect and Indulgence).
Since you describe yourself as an avid believer, maybe contemplate those aspects of God; and that if God made everything and nothing was before God, then Evil is of course also a product of God, as is the Devil. If everything God made has his divine spark, like every human being, so does the Devil. The Yin to the Yang. And where the good God requires wrath to enact consequence (not to punish but to teach, like a parent telling the kid for umpteenth time to not run into the street), the Devil is necessary to put the test of virtue before you. This is why the Yin/Yang has a dot of the other in its center.
You need to know both, integrate them, to be a whole being.
God is authority and the Devil is doubt. Authority that is never doubted will always turn into tyranny, and festering doubt that is never constrained will tear everything apart; including yourself. What is required, is balance, mastery of both, not an indulgence in the one side that makes you feel the nicest. Then, maturation begins.
And thus, by doubting what those other "personalities" truly are, there may be a way to regain control over yourself, your faculties, and reality at large.
May you find good therapy, for it is rare.
I guess the comment before my second reply was removed/deleted. Maybe that's for the better.
100% agree with your analysis here
Glad I found this video. I display too many signs of these symptoms, and glad I watched this whole video through. I guess that's the first step towards my way out of this terrible affliction.
@@brusselsprout5851 Thank you so much friend!
It definitely would be the first. This comment you left is the second. Good luck with the rest of the journey
Marquis l'Exil make it step number three then and thank you sir too. Good luck yourself if you are also going through anything! :)
@@sashatagger3858 thank you. We all go through something. A little kindness and encouragement go a long way
Good luck from an immature seventy year old!
Well, identifying the problem is the first step to solving it. Thanks for the diagnosis.
Thank you for your explanation of the 10 signs of emotional immaturity - now I know I don't have that condition. I was afraid I might but thankfully I don't fit these symptoms. I always learn something from every one of your videos Doctor Grande.
3:18
People who are highly resilient can see the life as a mixed bag of events on which we can have an hold and those which we can't.
Most people believe wrongly that they have a significant impact on their life when it is not the case.
That's why betting games work so well, that also why we develop beliefs and why the Skinner bow works so well too.
So, someone can say "I was unlucky" when he meant: "considering I had no way to change the course of events, it was all bad luck".
I have been placed in various institutions and I didn't had a say about it. When I needed furniture, I had no way to get those by myself and they would be bought in a batch with other kids required furniture. As a result, we all started the year with bad notes of our teachers, even when we explained the situation.
As a grown up, shit like these still happen. You are working on something, then someone come to you and say it is cancelled or the scope of work has changed.
Or, you need to go to an interview, you take a 1h window and there is a strike. So, you have to cancel the interview.
There are many important events that will shape your life and on which you have ZERO control. Thinking otherwise is totally immature.
That's really a mixed bag of events on which you have more or less control. Recognizing which is which is maturity. Thinking we are always in control or without control is immature.
It's really important to emphasis that the extremes ARE what poses problem. It's OK to sometimes recognize you've no control.
@@mmbah543 Meh! Let the resilience kick in and build it.
You described as part of what is characteristic of self destruction.
Are you doing OK ?
Whew... I think I need to lay down and rest just a little bit. I am not ready to crank up the iPad into watching any of the news right now. I have to work this video into my system. Thank you so much...
Another most perfect topic for this time of year Dr. Grande as people are forced in some cases to see family they maybe don't want to see or hear or hear from. Very good topic and good timing. Thank you!!!
You, Dr. Grande are an example of great emotional maturity. There’s a great peace that comes with emotional maturity for sure.
Again, very interesting! There are so many echoes of my college classes that you cite, along with my life long learning! Excellent video! Much appreciated! Conscientiousness is so important and I think maybe these days is undervalued. Not so, at all!
Absolutely agree about questioning your own beliefs. I believe we can’t really believe in anything unless we have put our beliefs under scrutiny and maintained an open mind towards different beliefs
You're speaking of my ex boss! I notice that these coincide with NPD... Thank you, Dr Grande!👍🌹
Most narc's have the Emotional Intelligence level of a 4-7 year old child, because of past trauma that they refused to heal and overcome. That is why they always act like an insecure weak victim living in an adult body.
This is really excellent and appreciated. Much thanks...here we go ...
Wonderful explanation. I identified 4 traits in myself
That moment when Dr. Grande just described your parents. Now I'm struggling not to reflect those traits on my life as well
I feel for you Carolina, I am here because of my mother.
Thank you for your willingness to share your knowledge with us, your You Tube classroom! Such a generous and emotionally mature move on your part. You have been a big help to me all this year. I wish you the best for 2020 and selfishly hope for more enlightening videos in the new year. Big thanks.
Connie Jorgensen,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌷🌹🌺 dear
Please, how about people who struggle in normal life with a serious chronic illness -- SEID, for example. How does that distort an OCEAN score from the start?
Well this is wonderful timing ! My NPD spouse I am planning on leaving (difficult at best under current circumstances...so self-education/growth in the meantime) informed me just yesterday that he will “..NEVER grow up !” This after another violent tirade. If only people knew who he really is..doubt he even knows. Personally, I can’t see how childhood trauma gives one the excuse for their behavior - he certainly knows he cannot act as he does toward me or acts at home when he’s on the job or in public... therefore one can only conclude an abuser/emotionally immature/NPD can learn...they just chose when and if...
I left my NPD spouse five years ago, and it was the healthiest thing I ever did. Please take care and good luck!
1) Well, i honestly have no problem abandoning/hating people that do not respect me at all
2) well, i love to learn, and i know i have flaws, just like everyone.
3)Not really, though i sometimes have the fun tendency to do certain things on my own, because then if it goes wrong, i can not blame the other person and otherwise i just might
4)Depends. I dislike people raising prices up out of the blue, but if i really want something and i can afford it, i am going after it if there is no other way. Got not much trouble waiting though
5)I honestly devide the world into me, people i like, people i do not care about and people i hate. The people i care about i care about, even though i ain't good in showing it often.
6) It depends. If an opinion is well constructed...you know, there comes a point where facts no longer matter and it is all about perspective, always, but i do get near murderous thoughts if someone for an example is claiming with an air of certainty things like the world being flat, SARS-CoV-2 being made in a lab, and 9/11 being an inside job.
7)Again, it depends to who. co workers and family i never chose, so there are cases i gladly lie to those. And i do have a love for finding the gray area of morality and to exploit it now and then.
8)Well, the most important aspect of my life is me, but there are certain few things i care more about then my life though, not many
9) Nope, on the contary, i dislike going over people their boundaries if they are reasonable and i often raise hell if people go over mine
10) Heck no, like said, got a lot to learn always pretty much.
So yea, pretty sure i am not 100 percent mature at all, but to be honest, i do not think i even want to be.
Just an observation from the viewer end - when I watch videos like this “10 signs of...” I am at the edge of my seat, waiting for each sign one by one as to make sure I don’t “have the next sign”- it’s a funny yet stressful experience.😰😄
I think I passed the test this time, phew😅
Lovely video!❤️
Rejane Oliveira,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!
Thanks for nailing down the overreaction part. For me, it’s solved by taking time to figure out my own intentions before making my choice. Too many times I have oiled the squeaky wheel like a tool. That’s my fault for being lazy in thought.
Dear Dr Grande, whenever I'm anxious, I put on one of your videos and regardless of the topic, your consistently calm style of communication makes me feel better. Thank you
Dr. Grande, I think you provided an excellent overview and link with the Cluster B PDs. Outstanding as always! I do have a question/potential are of disagreement. What is the difference between emotional dependence and "supply"? I know that "supply" is not a clinical word, but often used to describe NPD's and other PD's reliance on others for emotional regulation/identity/etc. It seems to me that the one trait you posit doesn't fit with the Cluster Bs, actually is a major feature of these PDs. However, I'm not sure if I'm potentially conceptualizing this correctly.
Dr. G has become a hero to me: Humble, Analytical, Effective Communicator, and a wickedly understated sense of humour...
iam almost 70. u explain so well...I wish I would have had ur info a long time ago. If a person does not have issues, they will never understand ur knowledge.
Yes, another reason to watch a video to realize how possibly mentally ill I am and if I’m in dire need of help.
I was raised by two emotionally immature parents. I have some of these traits. Emotionally immature at money. . I have been hostile occasionally even if it was held internally.
Chaos was a big part of life.
Food money instant gratification.
I still try and understand and improve.
Can you make a video about dealing with people who are emotionally immature when they're your boss, or someone you have to interact with and show respect to?
Good luck. That's a terrible place to be.
well their easy to manipulate tho first is he narcisistick?
Yes please!!!!!!!!!
Have read somewhere that dont try to befriend them, don't try to meet them where they are or them to meet you where you are..
I don't understand why people lie to impress people? As I know a facade is a facade. One day it will reveal itself and shame is the consequence.
Dr. Grande can describe someone I know PERFECTLY in several videos. I love this channel!
I'm so glad you talked about this!
I did learn something new about myself, about emotional immaturity. Thank-you for your helpful words !
Dr. Grande, could you please do a talk about the Social Justice Warrior, or "SJW," phenomenon and whether or not it is inherently narcissistic? Thank you for your channel.
Phenomenon? Bitter or just don't know history?
@suny123boy1 I am happy to hear you explain.
Great, I started watching this to see if my boyfriend is emotionally immature, & find out Im emotionally immature, I checked every box which tells me I must stop looking at ppl around me & focusing on improving myself.
Thanks for the video! Now I want to go back to back to my human development classes and learn about adolescents and emotional maturity.
6:20 Dr. Grande, at this point you're just describing every person on the internet. 😅
ME (at 50): What do I want to be when I “grow-up”?
ME: MATURE!😭😤🤪👧🏻🧐
Same!
I think growing up is over rated
If you get to 50 and you haven't grown up ...you don't have to
Really got a lot out of his one, thank you Dr. Grande.
It’s amazing how some people can act mature in life while being unable to do so in life.
Would you consider looking into LeAnn Locken from Real Hoysewives of Dallas, please??
Dr. Grande - is it “histrionic” that I need to look into to help myself out of the situation I am in, via self-education ? Thank you for your teaching/informative videos. Also, the acronym “ocean”...I missed some of the information due to your speaking speed. Thank you !
Openness, consciousness, extraversion, agreeableness, neuroticism
you can speed up or slow down the video, or/and use the closed caps function. Click the cc on the lower right of the video for the closed caps, and click the little wheel next to it to choose playback speed. Of course, you can rewind a few seconds and replay any portion of the video anytime you want as many times as you want.
@@watcherwlc53 I can't find a speed up or slow down function.
@@nicolejoly3259 Doesn't the video have symbols on the lower right hand side of the video? Try a different browser, maybe something isn't showing due to a browser issue. But the bottom edge of the video should show a square that says cc in it, clicking that will give you closed caps. Right next to that should be a symbol that looks like a little gear. If you click that, you get several choices, including playback speed. You can change the speed by choosing a different playback speed. If those features are not showing up try a different browser or different computer. Sometimes that will make a difference for some reason.
Always learn lots of great information with every one of your videos!
You are the best Dr G!
"LaLaLa I can't hear you LaLaLa. LaLaLa..."
Really good 👌😂😆🤭
Ha😂
I'm not emotionally immature!!!! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not!
Bless your heart! Thing is, how many emotionally immature adults are actually watching this, Doc. far less to the end. I thought about this and reality is few..if any. Then I lost hope until I realized I can use it to stay aware of and away from people and family who are like this. Life is v e r y interesting. NOW, pls excuse me while I go do some breathing exercises. ;- ]]
Where the hell are my earbudz?!!
It’s like a self improvement checklist. I feel like tacking these 10 things up on my wall and formulating a plan to work on each one. Seems like a good self improvement strategy regardless of your level of emotional maturity.
My ex husband was very emotionally immature. One of the reasons I left him was because I started feeling more like a mom towards him than a wife to a husband
Why did you marry him?
I am there now.
@goldbrick2563 He was clever. More clever than I. He hid this side of him until it was too late to see him for what he really was. Never overestimate your personal powers of observation. I was arrogant in that respect. It can come back to haunt you. I sincerely hope this answers your question.
This seems to fit someone with suspended cognitive development at the Concrete Operational Stage (Jean Piaget). Basically adults with the mental capacity of a ten-year-old.
Could also be a sign of Arrested Development
@@DefinitelyNotBender @Fred Slocombe I wonder if elements in our society have encouraged it, perhaps with where we are at with our deployment of digital technology, even.
@@jaklumen I think that definitely has a big impact on that. Systemic Sociopaths seem to be a thing now even.
@Crucibelle It could be. My parents divorced when I was under 10 and I really never had a relationship with my father. I never had any adequate role models or actual support growing up until I joined the Navy. That experience totally turned me around. But the source may be environmental and chemical in nature. Like growing up through the era of Leaded gasoline and nuclear bomb testing.
Love this!! Is there a 6 round or more?! What do we do when we crave the euphoria of longer breath holds?? Somebody hook me up!!
I live with someone like this. Thank you, Dr. Grande. I realize how much I need to get away from this person, with his covert narcissism and passive aggressive behavior.
Imagine that! A correlation between neuroticism, emotional immaturity and integrity.