Spot On..my husband would blow up anything I said or did. He even had the nerve to tell me both he and his daughter were perfect and I was the fucked up individual and want sex afterward.
@Mask of Sanity Well I appreciate your honesty! At least you’re aware that you have narcissist tendencies, we all probably do to a degree. I think having empathy is the greatest gift and without it, we can’t truly feel outside our own head.
@Mask of Sanity Yeah I definitely believe that lack of empathy comes as a defense mechanism from when we are children. And you’re right, some of it is DNA. I heard Jeffrey Dahmer had a pretty normal childhood, but he ended up a monster. Obviously we don’t know if he really did have a good childhood, but that’s the story.
I've met two extreme narcissists but about 16 other people who I think were somewhere on the spectrum with qualities like self centeredness, low conscientiousness (even though knowing their actions negatively impact upon others), low empathy, insistence upon their own opinion with no room for negotiation including on minor issues where there is room to budge, self entitlement even though they've not earnt the right to a privilege, ungratefulness, fragile to criticism or being ignored, arrogance, quick to shift the blame, feelings of grandure ('I'm so good looking, I'm such a great partner, all the girls adore me') and expecting others to bend over backwards to assist them even if it involves breaking important pre-existing arrangements. There's usually one or two in every workplace I've been in so or it's fairly common. They usually also have a chequered romantic history too and some like to flirt- ex and present partners soon come to see how nasty they are and the narc likes to flirt to gain attention.
The real problem with narcissists is that ultimately...they are just terribly, terribly boring. If you want to become an interesting person, take a really genuine interest in others. There is nothing more dull than a soley self interested person...
Yeah, that’s not such a problem. The REAL problem with narcissists is the psychological damage they can do to other people, especially when it’s a parent.
I believe the opposite. They tend to be persuasive, charismatic, and charming. They manipulate people to draw them in to be attractive. They tend to be very interesting and that's the honey that keeps you. Then they slowly slice you to pieces.
That absolutely describes my dad. For example, I was falsely accused of a violent assault. My sister claimed to police that I had just beat her black & blue as she thought I told her boyfriend about her affair. The police took less than twenty minutes to realize that I couldn't have beaten her black & blue twenty minutes before & there were no injuries to my hands. Which led to the Police pursuing charges against my sister... My dad apparently used his power as a judge to get the police to drop the felony charge against her. He also assaulted me after he had offered to take me to see his father who was dying. After being punched in the head a few times I jumped out of his moving car & was injured. He told his family I "beat the living shit out of her". Eventually, I learned that while I was over a hundred miles away, my sister's boyfriend followed her to her lover's home and spent the night in his car seeing her leave in the morning... Everytime I tried to bring up my dad's conduct and the fact that he never admitted to his family that the police knew that I never assaulted my sister, he always says "I'm sorry you feel that way"...
@@davidhollenshead4892 Obviously, you are the scapegoat but not only your father is the problem, you have a few more than himself. I hope you go no contact with all of them soon or you're doomed for whatever life is ahead of you and they don't seem to care about you or you're well-being. Run for your life.
Not always, I tried saying that upon an extreme narcissist in the hopes she would enjoy the attention and focus on 'her', and hope she she might realize she was no victim etc; that she would stop and realize the harm she was doing to me and someone else. No it did not work however.
Here’s an interesting dynamic. I was a people pleaser who always got into relationships with narcissists. In the beginning it satisfied my need to do nice things and the narcissist loved being the center of attention. Then in time the mental abuse started and it was unbearable especially for a people pleaser. It took several relationships like this for me to realize I deserve respect. It cured my low self esteem to want to be liked and appreciated for who I am not just for kissing ass. Fortunately, I am cured of the people pleaser/loser mentality. And the hardest part was dropping all the narcissists in my life including some family members. I was raised by one where my habitual people pleasing efforts began. The other problem with being a people pleaser is everyone disrespects you. Once you dislodge the focus on others and begin to relax and just be true to yourself you can enjoy being yourself, set boundaries so others don’t take advantage of you and be honest in a way that is never demeaning to others.
I'm a people pleaser too , just like my mom. She always used to say- Love everyone you can but don't 'waste' your goodness on someone- once you know its being wasted- move on, there are others out there who will appreciate it. Whats inside us is worth giving, and equally important- its worth being received well and appreciated.
I am a highly empathetic person. If you are as well, we attract narcissistic personalities. I am 56 years old, and now finally understand why I did that. I can really pick them out now, man or woman.
I feel like someone self identifying as a major charictaristic stylized people pleaser likely has a faulted sense of importance and that their qualifiers to identify an individual as a narcissist are likely inhibited/overzealous/impaired. Why would someone who undervalued their worth not think someone else values themselves (deservedly or not) more highly than a chronic self-undervaluer?
Carrie Williams research suggests unstable childhoods/parental relationships/trauma can cause disorders such as narcissism and borderline personality disorder as a coping mechanism, as they probably experienced instability within interpersonal relationships, causing them to become self-absorbed, etc.
especially when you the only one who refuse to kiss their ass. I'm in this situation with my boss she tries humiliating me and when I make the slights mistake she punish the whole group because she wants them to blame me and hate me, she always tell them how things will change and how she's strict because of me and the work environment will be friendly and relaxed if I wasn't with them.
Things narcissists say/do (summed up) 1.) Minimizing Talents or achievements (you talented, but...) 2.) Find ways to insult others or find others weaknesses 3.) Vicious criticism (tell you the truth for your own good trope) 4.) Arrogant (insecure about integrity challenged) 5.) They challenge others integrity 6.) All their last romantic partners are losers 7.) They don’t understand how deep our relationship is 8.) When apologizing, they are sorry to say sorry, insincere 9.) When they find terrible news about someone else, they hope it’s not contagious or life is tough 10.) When they developed a serious illness, they say why did this happen to me or why won’t people be focused on them.
My MIL does a lot of these. When my dog died of cancer, she thought that she could catch cancer. A dog’s cancer. She also constantly talks about herself and has to one up any medical issues. Like when I broke my leg again, she had to talk about how she always carries on and deals with her arthritis, and how it’s so much more painful than a broken leg. She insults her son constantly and blames him for her not graduating high school; because he was born. It’s very frustrating.
@Isa, thanks for summing up. I have something to add at no.2: they don't use yóur weaknesses. Because they só NOT interested in you, that they cannot know you thus don't know your weaknesses. But they will project theírs on you (so it is for them like they don't have any) and coïncidentally that can hurt you too. But actually they know you just superficially and guess something
@@wonderwoman1049 there's nothing wrong with admitting your argument doesn't actually matter after being proven wrong. It's not narcissistic to do that at all. Most narcisissts will not even accept that their argument doesn't matter. To them they are right
Classic, yes. My sister picked a fight with me in which she thought she could lord it over me and tell me what I should do. It had been a long time since our last contact and I had changed my way of interacting. She got a very firm rebuttal from me and then claimed that it 'didn't matter to her'. Obviously it did or she wouldn't have bothered to email me that c*ap in the first place.
When I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus Erythematosis, my ex husband narcissist responded with "so how is this going to affect me?" I was crying processing my life sentence of being sick for life.... And he was worried about the influence it is going to have on him.
I'm glad to hear he's your ex! I hope things are going well with your health, and if they aren't, I hope you're finding all the strength and support you need to get through it :)
@@nataliejames1964 Thanks Natalie! I am doing so much better. Getting treatment. I have an amazing team of doctors ranging from specialist physicians to psychologists that have been absolutely amazing!
@@dieHetster That's amazing to hear! I know a lot of people struggle to find the proper help so you're very fortunate to have found such good resources
When I got a rare form of mouth cancer, I had to have really complicated surgery. My husband said several times how glad he was that it was me having to cope with this ordeal, not him. Nice. Yep.
@Tam Possible The iron my narc hubs threw at me, he doesn't remember it at all! Despite the broken iron, dent in the sheet rock and the subsequent new iron - he hasn't the foggiest!
I definitely picked up traits of my last narcissist boyfriend. The more rude he was, the more I wondered if I was being too soft. So I found myself being harsh with things I wouldn’t normally be.
Both of you are spot on! I was in a narcissistic relationship and I found myself stopping to her level. When she raised her voice I would raise mine higher. When she gaslighted me I would unconsciously do the same to her. When she minimized me, I would also do the same. It got to the point I didn’t recognize myself. It had to get physical for me to physically leave. She held me hostage & stole my phone & belongings the last night we fought. She broke me physically and I lashed out. Ended up breaking her arm out of self defense. I allowed her to turn me into a monster. I’m currently in therapy trying to get over the dark feelings she brought me.
7 years I was with someone who couldn't pay me compliment but could always criticize me. And would always say " I'm only telling you the truth to help you grow." I get it now thank you
That person could be a narc, but people, your real friends, will tell you the truth, even if it hurts to allow you to grow. If you did any sports/dancing etc then your coach, teammates woukd tell you your flaws so, you can improve. Putting you down and lowering your self esteem is a narc trait, helping you grow is what a true friend does. It is dangerous to generalize on this one. I would advise you to research the dead giveaways of narcissism and if the have like 6+ traits, then they are most likely a narc. Almost all human have some narcisstic traits and it is not unhealthy to have some. Being a narc on the other hand....
None of the narcissists in my life have ever come close to the words “I’m sorry.” My mother actually is happy when she hears bad news about others it somehow allows her to make things about herself. She fakes sympathy so she can talk about it and then criticizes the sick or troubled person.
Thank you so much for this video. Not only did I grow up around this because of my family, but I've been doing lots of these things myself. I don't want to be a narcissist. Your video helps me identify what I can improve in myself.
When you confront a Narcissist that they did or said in the past that was inappropriate. They will reply in a knee jerk manner..."I don't remember that"!
Or try them blaming the 12 year old you for cps removal of self and brothers from her care. 😂 honestly now I laugh about it. I was so relieved to find out she was the sick one and that I was just fine. It took 30 years though. Thankful daily I'm mostly happy mostly healthy and trying my damndest to become a better me daily. P.s I had to cut 100% of contact in order to heal. If your on the fence about cutting off ur abuser, just do it.
My mom does that 🤣 she will tell me that she didn't say that. She will also minimize the hurt of what she said to me. I can be overly dramatic though so there's that too. 🤣
Or I didn’t do that.. when ?? I did what?? Oh bullshiz I didn’t do that..or the other lie.... ohh she is lying, they are lying, that person doesn’t even know me .. everyone is a damn liar ..
Kim, my experience as well. I have become deeply suspicious of people who poke fun then say, “Oh I was only joking. You’re too sensitive.” I can take some cajoling, I think, but I’ve learned that non-narcissists actually stop the behaviour when they see it’s hurtful, and are quick to sincerely apologize. Narcissists, even vulnerable ones (or maybe especially?) don’t apologize, or if they do, don’t stop the behaviour even when asked.
As a recovering narcissist, I can say that the first one, minimizing others' skills/talents, I used to do this because I felt like I was getting no attention for the many skills and talents I had/have. I have 2 older siblings, and they constantly belittled and mocked me, leaving me feel like I had to brag about myself and minimize others' accomplishments. I took me until well into my adulthood to realize what I was doing, why I was doing it, and why it bothered people so much. It made people LESS likely to acknowledge anything good I did. I still struggle with this, but now at least I am able to analyze and try to correct it.
do you think you're really narcissist? my boss is a narcissist and not in million years she will admit or realize that about herself, she once told after I complained about her to HR " you can't destroy my reputation I'm like the sun you can't cover the sun" 🥱 like i care about her reputation all i want from her is to leave me alone.
Thank you so much for posting. I believe that I am a recovering narcissist too. Perhaps a covert one. I tend to appreciate other people’s achievement but perhaps it’s to associate with their grandiosity. The effect of your siblings is real and I think so much of human personality is transferable and contextual that we must always have a place to forgive others and ourselves. True pain comes when we cannot receive the forgiveness of those we have truly loved but still let down.
Same here, and what worries me now is spending too much time with the analysis is merely unhealthy self obsession, and maybe sometimes it is. I just hope you don't suffer the same contradictory combination of perfectionism and laziness I developed from a slightly similar situation.
the most prominent features of narcissism are NO SELF AWARENESS & not taking responsibility, also no ability to accept critisism or to change..you cant possibly be a narcissist , unless this is some ploy to get praised for not being a narc😉😉we are aware of the narcs manupulations & tactics
“Oh, that’s different.” ..a way to establish double standards...I lived with this. I had to quickly recover from a hysterectomy. My narc husband “took care of me” for a couple of days, then left me with the feeling that I was lying around doing nothing, i.e., being lazy. I kept doing the Christian thing of forgiving and I thought this kind of life was ‘normal’ until I realized that I was ‘mentally sick’ to feel this way and I needed to get out. He would have never divorced me because I was his doormat. I surprised when I stood up to him. After 32 years of being married to him, he never asked me if I was returning. He knew I had figured him out and didn’t want me because his game was over with me. I seem to attract this kind of guy. That’s the reason I’m single. If I cannot find a guy who respects, I am better off single.
l was in the same situation for 37 years...didnt realize who he was....he was a sexua,l covert, narcissist....at 65 l walked away ....They are the personification of evil.
I was deemed lazy when I was sick or hurt. I wasn't allowed 2 work, he would sabatage 3 jobs I got. He would deem me lazy for NOT working. Pissed me the hell off.
The closest thing to an apology from my narcissistic sibling was a haughty, “Well, Im sorry if I came across that way.” As always, implying they acted perfectly and that I just don’t perceive things well.
OK, to be specific: I asked for an apology, She asked what it was that she did that she needed to apologise for, but insisted I couldn’t give “a laundry list”. So, I thought about what was consistent with each of many times over many many years. I told her she had been condescending, cold, humiliating and disrespectful (I was very clear I only desired basic respect). She later told me that if I didn’t give her specifics (in other words, a laundry list), how could she know what I was talking about, and also added, “respect is earned” - so she was entitled to be disrespectful to me until I met her standards for bog standard, stranger on the street decency.
Maybe they did not want to come across that way and you take it wrong. My sister always acted like a baby and victim. Nothing or nobody was good enough for her. Just except it that she didn't intentionally want to come across that way.
Oh how lovely! One thing that helped me was when my Chinese BFF gf was telling me to DETACH. Straight from Buddhism 101 - what causes unhappiness in this world is the endless wanting of things that they don't have. The more that Buddhism sinks in, the better it gets.
Well that statement was just meanness....One nasty co-worker!! My mom made similar remarks "Everyone says...." Nobody likes..." All the time "everyone" and "nobody" were her alone.
Actually that's something taught in therapy. Therapists will encourage you to respond like that rather than take things personally. A narcissist is more likely to say you don't feel that way.
@@hellokitty-kitty5497 Ya there is actually nothing wrong with that at all. The person your responding too is taking it the wrong way. By saying that the person is taking responsibility for how they make the person feel.
Why is this not a good statement? I don’t use it every time “when I hurt someones feelings”. Not every hurt feelings is justified so when I feel I would still do the same course of action again I say “sorry you feel that way”. When I would change my actions and someone’s feelings got hurt, I straight up apologize and I try to make it “right”. I do this cause I don’t like that my actions have upset them but I cannot apologize for what happen since I would do it again but I do recognize that someone was made to feel “a way they didn’t” want because of my actions. Think apologizing for the action would be dishonest.
I believe this video can really help people who are involved with a narcissist a LOT because any one of these statements, heard in isolation, can sound peculiar but hearing them all you begin to recognize the statements and see that the person you suspected as being narcissistic does, in fact, show a pattern. Good work Dr. Grande! (And I like the two blue shirts!)
Thank you for this video, really helps me understand the things my father always did to me, like if I ever read a book where he could see me he would tell me to stop because "I read too much," and instead watch tv. I could never comprehend his problem with me reading, now I understand that it was because he is jealous, since he struggles to ever finish a book.
Now I realize my roommate is a narcissist, he has all of these traits. It's honestly very draining just being in the same room as him for long periods of time, it's like a constant battle in his mind.
This is so my mother. She incessantly complains about everything, minimizes anything that I do, then tries to smooth it over and act like nothing happened when I get upset over her behavior. She speaks about how beautiful her skin is and how no one can believe that she is anywhere near her age. She is 87 by the way, and has been this way as long as I can remember. I disappeared for a lot of years. It is hard work to forgive.
My mother is one, too, and I fear the day we (my siblings and I) will have to be close to her and around to help. She loves sowing seeds of discord and telling exaggerated complaints to others about us. She also loves to constantly talks of how great she is and what a victim we have made her into.
Sounds like my grandma (88) - she has the most beautiful hair, skin, she is the one that is intelligent, everybody is bellow her. She deserves everything. Everything is her right. People should be happy that she talkes to them....just evil and exhausting. Head up, you don´t have to have frequent contact with her. Forgivness needs time. Invest it in yourself. Stay strong!
IF apologizing, they make it about themselves and make you feel guilty Example: "im sorry for that, i feel so bad now, how am i such a horrible person, you should get away because im the worst" and then you end up telling them : no you are a good person...
For me, I think an apology is sincere when someone can apologize and follow it up with “I recognize how this must have made you feel/affected you/made things hard for you etc.” and then tell me what that impact was so I realize it’s accurate and they really get it. But if someone does that and also says “I feel terrible, it was a total dick move on my part” that’s fine. But mostly I know they’re sincere if they don’t do it again, or catch themselves if they’re about to.
Narc: "You'll never get married again". Me: "That's not your business. I don't care if you get married again". Narc: Jaw Drops.....and now I must be punished for speaking to him that way....
@@dontc.y.udothat600 i must be still missing some main ingredient, because in my sitiation Im the manager, this psycho that worked there steals, so I fire them with the support of my superiors, but yet in the end....she still gets her way and i end up losing my job instead somehow, through a direct action of something she did. The people that supported me left their positions and she cried to the new superiors and I got fired and she is still there? She complained so much about it the people on my side (and there were several) left their positions and were replaced by new ones. Wtf? !! How did she do that??
I love Dr Grande’s dry sense of humor, I get a good laugh. He is so knowledgeable, I wish had found a therapist like him years ago. My mother was extremely narcissistic.
So many statements I have heard over the years. By understanding these points of narcissism I begin to free myself from the guilt of not being good enough, not making enough effort in my marriage. Thank you for this video.
OMG! For one, after watching yours and other people's videos on Narcissism and Narcissistic personality disorder I know that I had been a magnet for narcissists all along. And now while watching this particular video I could literally recall situations I had faced in every single scenario that you outlined. It's almost like you know those people and without naming names you're talking about them. Thank you so much for what you do. I finally know I'm not the one who has issues (outside of being the magnet for narcissists, which I have learned not to be) but they are the ones who are absolutely the problem. We tend to believe their lies and start thinking they are infallible and absolutely incapable of being wrong, when the truth is, they are complete nutcases. Phew! Better late than never, I'm at peace now.
Yay! I'm not a narcissist. If you work with a person like this, you get to wondering if you're the problem. I began to panic a little last Xmas thinking that maybe I was narcissistic to expect better behaviour. Thank you heaps, Dr Grande. 🌹👍
This is what I am struggling so much with, am I a narcissist?, I know now that I have fearful-avoidant attachment traits, but was I, or am I the narcissist, I don't have the traits or have not done the things in this video, but there seem so many overlaps that it scares me that I may be
It's part of human nature to exist in the spectrum of narcissism, as we are all in there to some degree, but few are on the extreme end resulting in a NPD diagnosis. Only a licensed professional is competent enough to make that diagnosis
@Ry F you need to know you are like that, because you are like that and if you don't know you're like that or you don't think you're like that then you're more like that than you think, because the people who are most like that are people who don't think they are like that at all
I have heard most of the comments on this video. It is amazing the power words have to convey deeper thoughts/intentions. Sometimes we hear these words and we are left with this awful feeling but can’t explain why. Well, this video explains the reason why very accurately. This behavior is such a mixture of unkindness, lack of insight and lack of emotional intelligence to say the least. Great video as always Dr. Grande! 197k...😉
I believe I've heard most of these through the years .The narcissist seems to actually believe others believe whatever kind of s*** comes out of their mouths. Unless one is ready to challenge almost everything they say the garbage keeps on rolling . They are exhausting and NEVER improve .
I've been dealing with one for nearly 15 years, and have two kids with her. Her go-to was to make subtle threats to keep our kids from me, as she knew that would keep me in line. So I've spent the last 12 years just rolling over for her for fear of losing my kids. I just got emergency custody after her husband caught her with a meth pipe in their house. The whole mess that created must have caused a pretty bad "narcissistic injury", because she's been lashing out big time. It's been very stressful; she's convinced she's the victim in this and that I'm not being fair to her by following the court order. I've had to call her out on a few attempted manipulations, which have just enraged her. It's like dealing with a bratty, spoiled kid.
Excellent video. I recently realized a long time friend of mine is a narcissist. I could never understand why she was always getting in subtle digs at me, insults. Now I understand it was her way of puffing herself up at my expense.
@K FuckingCuntingWomen Narcs such as my father gaslights me all the time . My father very untrustworthy I don't believe anything he says anymore . When he says one thing and does another .
My ex followed me from room to room. He hated for me not to engage in his craziness....but if I agreed with his craziness he knew I was really just agreeing to shut him up and he hated that even more. Thank God I got out of that life and met my soulmate!
When I walk away he yells at me that I’m doing what I always do, walk away, don’t deal with the problem he says. But I walk away because I know nothing is going to be resolved and he just wants to vent. When I walk away it’s because he’s yelling at me and being real aggressive verbally. Thoughts? Am I gaslighting him like he says? Or am I keeping a boundary of, your not allowed to speak to me this way? I’m so confused.
A couple narcissists I've known had a particular response to the phrase "You're right." They would say, "I'm always right." The reply was immediate and predictable, seeming automatic. It was like a window into their inner workings.
Oh my God, that's how I answer (jokingly) when someone says I m right. This comment just popped up when I was thinking if I was narcissistic or picked up some habits from some some of them in my life.
@@everlastingideas8625 Yeah, well jokingly is another thing. You're inviting the other party to challenge your assertion in good fun. It's playful behavior. And maybe sometimes there actually is this growing sense in your mind that you've been overwhelmingly right about things, but the important thing which distinguishes you from the narcissist is how you react when presented with examples of situations in which you've been wrong. And by the way, if the other party expresses agreement with the idea that you're always right, they may be pandering to you. Narcissists like to surround themselves with yes-men. It's important to make friends with people who are instead willing to challenge you and bring you back down to earth when you get carried away, which is normal. It does not mean you are a narcissist because you get carried away on occasion.
I read a short while back that a fairly accurate method of diagnosing a narcissist is simply asking them, “are you a narcissist?” Someone with NPD is very likely to respond with something like “of course I am, everyone should be a narcissist, etc.” if you ask right, sometimes they will tell you.
Everyone has narcissistic traits guys. No need to panic. Just be aware and work on it. It’s only an issue when you have no self control or awareness with of course more than normal narcissistic traits
@@everlastingideas8625 Come on, you don't need to state something that is evident to everyone present! Here it is, to make you feel better - your MBTI or OCEAN index. Some people ARE always right!
I would add one example. My mother, a malignant narcissist, had an interesting response to my telling her that my 30 year old son had developed Psoriatic Arthritis. She said, “. Well, that doesn’t come from MY side of the family. Maybe it is from your husband’s ‘background’. No illness, including my chronic depression, has any origin in her family history. This is so amusing to me because my grandmother, her mother, was a well known chronically depressed individual.
"Oh, I didn't know that you would react THAT way?" Yeah no shit a***ole, you just told me that you were unfaithful, sorry it made me upset. -_- Here have a cookie.
im a narcissist. i never knew i was until i realized both my parents were they tried to turn me into them. as i became more aware of my narcissism i began to learn to control it and be more aware when i was acting out. i do pretty well now i actually use narcissism sometimes as a performer in a band. you put on the act and people seem to connect easier and like you more because that's what they expect. narcissism is weakness and insecurity. as i became more and more confident for real reasons my narcissism faded.
Are you sure you are a narcissist and not just reflecting the behaviors you were taught growing up? Your comment was full of self-awareness and reflection. These are not traits of a true narcissist.
@@travisstoll3582 a real person that is self aware can also be narcissistic. i was once that person but was unaware of it. i became aware and then decided to control it and "cure" it. im pretty clear with myself about when im a narcissist and when im not. technically im not "malignant" or actively using and abusing other people for my own personal gain. the true narcissist is an evil monster that would sell their own children. im just a play actor for the sake of the people that abused me it was necessary to survive in their world. now that they're gone i can be fully transparent.
@@alethiamillner5603 i agree. an actual narcissist is aware but still a predator. i was raised by narcissists to be a narcissist to feed their narcissism. while in therapy i suddenly realized all of my narcissistic traits. im not a real narcissist but i sometimes lose my control a little and im bad. narcissism is a bad disease. it completely destroyed my entire family and my whole life. im not really a narcissistic person when im feeling good and im not triggered by a bad person from my past causing me to lose my cool and abuse them.
@@satsumamoon I think MovieBob mentions this a couple times about himself as well. While making apologia for eugenics, as all the backwards people who just don't understand progress are holding us back should be left to die or some such. Everyone else being the reason we don't have hoverboards and live on space stations - yet he does nothing himself to make that science fiction a reality, he only complains that everyone else is not realizing it for him or sabotaging the world from getting there.
I like your point that a narcissist isn't adept ant targeting weaknesses in others, because it would require some knowledge of human nature. It makes perfect sense that their behavior is more closely related to criticism. Thanks for pointing that out.
Who else has noticed that narcissists tend to be loners, misanthropic and don't have a lot of genuine friends? They also can't bare being ignored or criticised (fragile egos?)
@@jellyfishi_ agree to an extent but not fully. I know two grandiose narcissists and both were very charming. The first was gregarious, friendly and intially came across like a friend but when people got to really know them and see their true colours, they cut them out of their life, so his social pool was very limited due to his rudeness and selfishness (which became manifest when he was challenged or their attempts to flirt were rejected, for example). The second had everyone say 'they seem like a nice person' about them but those who really knew them came to see how self centered, immature, immoral and braggish they really were. Needless to say, no one bothered with them in the long term either. Finally, I know a covert narc and again, they have similar traits to the above but they are more subterranean. Eventually, you get to see them for what they really are, although it took me years to suss them. Yes, Narcs might have superficial charm that attracts some people in the first instance but the act often can't be sustained for long or forever. It's stands to reason that the ego and selfishness they manifest isn't going to endear people in the long term. A genuine friend and an acquaintance isn't the same thing and the narc loses those who are the former.
I know narcissists with slews of friends and always have social plans. The loners without friends are higher on the psychopathy/sociopathy scale, and I'll dare say, autism spectrum. Research it.
@@G123. there's a difference between being a loner because you have poor social skills (autism) and because you are selfish and don't truly value other people's friendship in the first place (narcissism). Autistic people can't form the friendship bond /emotional attachment in the first place whereas a narc can form a bond but can't sustain it in the long term because doing so involves qualities like empathy, love, consideration for others, humility etc.... Qualities that a narc often lacks. It's all about them.
My favorite was when acting badly they say "I'm only reacting to how you are treating me"...thereby they have no responsibility in the negative relationship
I've been watching your channel for awhile now. This may sound weird but it's been cool watching your personality come through and seeing you become more comfortable in front of the camera. I think watching channels grow and seeing the creators grow is a really cool part of RUclips.
Jane Austen understood narcissism very well and often inserted such characters into her novels. One that illustrates well what Dr. Grande is saying here is the character of Catherine de Bourgh, who insists that "no one" has as fine an appreciation for music as she does and that had she ever learned to play the piano she was certain she would have been a "true proficient!"
This is kind of hard. On the one hand I get what u is saying. On the other hand, there are a lot of people who would say this and it is totally valid. A kid just wanting to remain quiet and paint on a field while all the other kids are playing tug of war and yelling and competitive might not want to be forced into the game
But sadly in families this happens,my ex narc was more and less enabled because they accepted him for what he was,in other worlds they were used to his shenanigans and their reaction was "well this is G..."
My father is a narcissists. One of the weirdest things he does is he will literally fully believe things he made up to fit his narrative of being special and perfect. Growing up, it was so bizarre that I questioned if I was the one making things up, but luckily my brother was home in the summers and we saw the same things. Example, he made a hole in the door by throwing things, and after his hours long fit of rage where he told us how everything is our fault, we are terrible, and he emotionally broke us, he took us out to eat. You know to look like a “good dad”. The next day he made a comment to someone else about how me and my brother horsed around and made a hole in the door. He believed that we made the hole so throughly that he eventually (like years later) talked directly to us about how we damaged the door. I’ll never forget the relief I felt talking to my brother and knowing I wasn’t crazy.
I needed to hear this over 20 yrs ago! " I'm sick. you should be more worried about me than you are" (suffering with a cold). Now that he is possibly facing cancer for a second time, you would think some pride would fall......not one ounce. thanks for the video. another one I should listen to more than one time.
I have been married to a narcissist for 21 years but just recently learned what narcissism was. I have never received an apology for anything for 21 years. It is so frustrating because I'd never get closure on anything because he either refuses to speak about it lit are refuses to admit any fault. I have dealt with depression for our whole marriage but it was weird that none of the antidepressant medication ever worked. Now I realize that I never had depression I was just married to a narcissist. Discovering this has been so eye opening and I and I can see now how he has broken my spirit over the years and that I have to get out to save my own sanity.
Extremely common dynamic. My friend's sister got out of a narcissistic marriage and has so much PTSD and health issues from it, she doesn't even leave the house anymore. She is in a prison (another prison, ironically, as her marriage was like that), which is so sad.
Overall I feel like a few of these things describe how I operated as a teenager, but I also like to think I’ve grown out of (at least some of) them. I remember as a young aspiring guitarist, I ran into a guy who had only been playing for a few months. He had this really cool electric guitar loop setup where he would play multiple parts and just shred over it. The guy was amazing! I vividly recall how reluctant I was to even acknowledge his (totally obvious) talent. Even more, how miserable I felt that this guy was so great. I sometimes wish I could have enjoyed his skill and just celebrated it with him, and I hope I am better at this kind of appreciation now. So I’d like to think we can grow out of some of these maladaptive ways of thinking.
Children of narcissists seem to have similar patterns but I think we have opposite underlying thoughts. Zero self esteem results in hiding ones errors and human weaknesses. Crippling.
Ok. When you’re a teen and it’s cool to not like things that’s sort of different. Not nice definitely. But like you said you grew out of it and that’s what matters. If it makes you feel better I think all teens do this to some Extent. “Oh her art work isn’t that great...” (says the teen about the great artwork). Meanwhile the teen is struggling with a constantly changing mind and body and social pressure. It’s constant life long behavior that would be a warning sign.
Yes, I do think a person can outgrow toxic ways of thinking and acting. It does help though that you realize your behavior is toxic/harmful not just to others but also to yourself and you recognize a need to change/growup and accept responsibility for your own actions and to stop blaming others for the direction your life has taken. Unfortunately, a narcissist is usually incapable of recognizing that they are the one with the problem, and will continue to blame others for everything that's wrong in their life. Sorry for going on so long.
I would like to apologize for insinuating that you blame others for the way your life is when you were expressing an inability to appreciate someone else's talent when you were younger.
Courtney Cox seems like your dad was a Toxic narcissist, who was unhappy and didn’t want others to be happy, and got off with those oxymoron statements. good news for people who like bad news. Absolutely not lol Did you ever use that stuff back on him? That usually drives them crazy, they do not like being on the other end?
Very comprehensive & informative, as always. I think that the apparent fact that Narcs fail to realize that giving credit to others where due actually looks good on the credit-giver provides evidence that Narcissism is rooted in immaturity. They never reach that level where comes that "Ahah!" moment at which what was once seen as a sign of weakness becomes recognized as evidence of strength of character and emotional security. Thanks again, Doctor Grande!
This is very important information for everyone to have. Whether it’s with a partner, family member or at work, everyone will encounter the narcissist at some time and it’s good to be prepared. Thank you so much Dr Grande!!
Yup, they know that being charming works (in most cases but oh lord if it doesn't work once with a person they have a personal agenda against that person) and that they don't need to be charming the whole time only if they really "need" something.
A former co-worker of mine was like this from day one of her hiring. It went on for several years and the rest of us either quit or just tolerated her. She was eventually promoted to manager and her narcissist behavior doubled. That was it for me...
I could write a book on dealing with a narcissist, smh. In 17 years he never once apologized for his temper, words, lies or actions. Everything was always someone else's fault and he was always just a big 'ol' victim. As a people-pleaser myself, his manipulation worked and was completely toxic to my mental health. 2 years of therapy and I started calling him out on his actions. He left and was quickly on to his next...lady? I am still dealing with legal matters with him but I am so much stronger and happier now, in part due to channels like this. Stay strong everyone! 🙏✌💪
'I'm sorry if you feel that way because when you REALLY think about it.... Try to see things from MY point of view, not just your own... I'm really the victim here'... They minimise their responsibility and play the victim even when they are at fault...
Well done. But dont complain about him. You stayed with him for 17 years... facilitating a narcissist. Being a ''people-pleaser'' you too were toxic to HIS mental health. I say this as one who also damaged my partners... by not challenging them (ie, leaving them).. or encouraging them to leave me. It takes two.
@@declankelly9829 I think he probably used manipulative tactics to keep her in the relationship. It was probably a combination of loving and toxic behaviour some of which would have been a result of her challenging him. The fact he kept this up for 17 years does not exonerate him, in fact he seems comfortable enough to live a normal life despite his confusing and intimidating ways of treating her.
Thank you for those examples. Reading the definition of a narcissist is not very helpful without explaining this type of person in various situations. Your examples bring the thinking of this disorder alive.
I've heard almost ALL of the statements from the NPD personas formerly in my life. Very accurate, observant & clever. "I don't lie at all,"= ego systonic, lack of insight. Much gratitude from Michigan.
@@debsabatino311 actually, according to JANINE DRIVER, the human lie detector: there IS such a thing as lying by omission. Sorry to pop your ego systonic bubble!
I deal with narcissistic behavior every day. My father (83) is “grandiose” & my brother “”(58) “vulnerable”. I started watching your videos examining mental health behaviors in famous murder cases for your “take” on behavioral patterns. But I’ve started watching all your videos bcuz the topics are interesting in a non condescending way. In listening to your Q & A’s have given me an opportunity to look at my behaviors & actions from the outside. Without sounding “narcissistic” (lol-ing at THAT) I THINK I’ve done an EXCELLENT job in observing & modifying MY behavior. Loved 8, 9 & 10 but might I add, relationships ARE great IF you’re willing to exchange one prison for another. Having observed “crazy” for 32 years, I’m OK BEING ALONE!!!
A narcissist talking about their spouse who's home recovering from grueling cancer treatments as to why they're not home taking care of them. "Oh, they're strong, they'll be fine".
My mother said that while my Dad was in the hospital recovering from heart attack. She didn’t want anyone to go see him and was absolutely livid at all the attention he was getting. She was a horrible person.
I took care of my narcissist husband through his lymphoma 4 best I could. Now he has Parkinson's. Karma is real but I wish I had been strong enough to pack my bags the day he was diagnosed, just as other women do.
How about when they treat their partner like dirt and then say "Well, I just woke up and I am not a morning person." Or "I have been working all day and I am tired." They always have an excuse for their abusive behavior. The other thing is if you stand up for yourself and they call you a maniac. And they completely deny the abusive behavior and they seem to relish abusing you verbally in front of others, especially your friends or family. To the point that none of those people want to even visit anymore.
How about: "I'm sorry you were offended at something I said. I didn't intend any offense, but I can certainly see I should have chosen my words more carefully. My apologies."
I’ve got a first cousin who after razing three children, left her husband of 30+ years. Her social media was a daily “selfie” post. To her credit she like many gained a few pounds during childbirth but is now skinnier then at any point in her life. A fact those daily posts drove home. Her second relationship ending when he became skinnier then she was. Number three is average build, and we are waiting for her to be unhappy with that. A side note number one is still single and not dating anyone. He is a great guy who put up with her narcissistic ass for too long....
You know I am guilty of this. I said I am sorry for any offence but how else could I see it? Keep in mind though this was after I was told he did not give a fuck, then later told I was delusional. Then at a point being called a pyschopath. And all the times he said I am sorry for my bad behaviour but it's because of x. Or I am sorry but. I finally realized I was prey and I called it. Of course I got a wow
Real genuine compassion, connection, trust, understanding and empathy cannot be faked for long. That's why I learned to take my time getting to know people. Selfish, narcissist are not people you want in your life. Also check yourself to make sure you aren't just using people. That you really want to be giving in the relationship as well.
My ex: “all my exes are crazy.” Should have been the biggest indicator to me right off the bat that something wasn’t right, because who was the common denominator in all those relationships? 🤔 also telling me I was “pushing him to unbelievable limits” when I dared to challenge his abusive behavior or stand up for myself. Yikes.
Yikes! Is an understatement, sounds like. I'm glad you got out of that very toxic enviorment! And with more knowledge, to look for earlier signs. You are very brave. I would go so far as to warn any new partners of his anything you think they must know about him.
Blind dating can be scary. No wonder why when family introduces single people to family to possibly date, there are less problems with crazy people. Maybe. Is that right?
I think you're missing a huge marketing opportunity here, doc. Stand-up. "Because of the narcissist's behavior, their integrity is often called into question...." The deadpan understatement cracks me up every time -- I am not alone! 😅
I sometimes try to copy this skill that comes naturally to him. For example, I sometimes see a person who insults me, and I really need to say someyhing better than "Bullshit." I'm practicing to say with complete authoritive equanimity: "That is both inaccurate - and rude." Of course, if you are ready for it, it doesn't happen. Oh well. Its a better place to come from
Dr Grande just to make you laugh today, my husband calls you my “new boyfriend”. He says I divorced my old boyfriend Dr Phil. LOL. I bring my phone to the dinner table with your commentary cued up and proceed to share with him. Funny, I’m sharing with myself cause he just eats and smirks at me! LOL! So one day I was sitting in bed watching tv and he comes in and starts looking under the bed for something. I ask him what he’s looking for. He says “Dr Grande. I know he’s hiding in here somewhere” LOL!!!!! Gotta give him credit for that, it was a good one!
Yes my husband cracked me up but good! Now you know he walked around all proud of himself for a couple of days after! What can I say , I just love a smart aleck.
OMGosh your so spot on… they are such corrupt individuals 🤯 it’s so sad to think they fool nice people. Regarding the romantic narcissist I’ve heard 2 saying how lovers fall deeply madly in love with them. They go on about how special they must be.
Having been verbally terrorized by a ( what I believe is a narcissistic) sister in law, my moment of clarity was when she took a family trauma that I and my children were going through and asked why I had never bothered to consider how it made HER feel. My brain pretty much exploded 🤯. I had to block her phone and email to get her to leave me alone.
@@Moresurenow Very unlikely as it is inherent that they don't think anything is wrong with them so why would they bother going to treatment. It is much to engrained in them. It is a personality disorder, not a chemical imbalance and they are the hardest to treat as they are not chemical in nature but learned behaviors. Sorry, but he will not likely ever change.
@@Moresurenow Therapy is supposed to be damaging as it teaches them how to manipulate people and how they should say in certain situations (which makes them harder to spot). I hope we can all change if we want to but not sure how a narrcassist would be self aware enough to see that they are the one with the issues.
My sister in law told people that I killed my dad. And set my sister up to find him that is just a tip of the iceberg, my dad has been gone 9 years now him and I had such a special bond never knew she was a narcissist he's at the point now where she might be a sociopath so I hear what they're saying
Fabulous video.... I am in a point in my life that I can actually laugh at my narcissistic family member.. I spent years and years crying wondering what I did wrong and how I could make it better.. And now I realize that I'm okay... it was never me.. Thank you dr. Grande This video was very fulfilling to me
@@popeyethepirate5473 :( I'm sorry to hear of your mother's passing. Regardless of your relationship with her.....I can still see how that might be very tough ... I do hope that youre not suffering much, not alone and are able to heal from all your wounds someday.
My favorite is when they are always more sick or more tired then you. If I have a cold my narc is all over me to baby him because he is sick too or more sick then me😑😒. So infuriating. Life is not all a competition.
"When the narcissist apologizes..." Oh, Dr. Grande, you have such an imagination. I literally laughed out loud at this one. "I'm sorry you feel this way" is accurate.
Exactly. Often times, the real narcissist (sender) is crafty enough to structure questions, statements or re-create a memory to their benefit, which can put the other person (receiver) at a disadvantage and therefore in a defensive position. How so? The response (from the receiver) will require the original statement (from the real narcissist sender) to be corrected, which then, in turn, can be misconstrued as narcissism. When all the receiver is doing is simply correcting for the sake of accuracy. The narcissist will then pounce on that opportunity for conflict, thereby accusing the receiver of being a narcissist when it's actually the sender. Btw, this is not opinion. Lol.
Normal/mentally healthy person has 1. genuine respect for the person’s talent, work and skill, realize that their investment is worthwhile 2 Communication something positive- not looking to deliver an insult all the time, genuine respect, finding people’s strengths is my strength, 3.genuinely looking out for someone’s good, true humility, accurate evaluation 4. I am not above criticism and welcome constructive criticism from others, I make mistakes and hurt others and need to apologize 5. I can learn from anyone and can improve from anyone’s suggestions 6. I am capable of mistakes and hurting others and I am big enough to apologize, Don’t hold grudges 7. Others are not jealous of me, people are precious not objects for my use 8. I am not perfect and often need to apologize 9. Genuine love and concern for others, my time is not my own 10. Every life is precious and my life is not more important than others’ lives, I am not all that (Ie I am not Jesus) Summary: I am sinful person, who makes mistakes and need to apologize to others. I am not pure and perfect, but just a human, who needs forgiveness for the ways I hurt others.
Number 9 resonated with me as a young girl I remember when a neighbours baby died my narc Mother said It's for the best' to her I was floored and even as a young girl I knew this was really wrong.
So true! It's comical and scary at the same time how you nailed the examples! When they say all the exes are or have a problem, the narcissist is the problem! 🤣
One of the main statements that helped me cement and cast further doubt about my mother’s narcisissm was when I went to the mental hospital because I was severely depressed and was called by my school to be taken by ambulance because I planned to harm myself. When she came to retrieve me she said “how can you do this to me!” Afterwards, she tried to erase and take away my poetry in my room without reading it which was something I used to cope. I am still in shock from this.
I'm saying this because my ex also used writing because her head was so messed up and you could see it . What ( normal) person thinks the world needs to understand them and need to read Thier diaries. The diary is an extension of further manipulation. I'm 44 yrs old . I hope you don't destroy your relationship with your mum .
I was in a long term relationship with a narcissist and all of this resonates so strongly. We were married and when I was pregnant I was terrified to be intimate due to some pregnancy loss in the past. Because of this he became increasingly more nasty and just down right bratty. Nothing else intimate would be good enough for him, it had to be the one act I was anxious about. So them after months of telling me (his pregnant wife) I had no idea how bad it was for him, that now he understands why men rape, and trying to bully me in to an open relationship, he left soon after our baby was born and told me how everyone agreed he was doing the right thing. He decided he needed to leave because the birth ended up being an emergency C section, so I needed more recovery time and he was also upset that he wouldn't get the opportunity to experience being intimate after a vaginal birth. There are so many other stories, but this one really stuck out because of how he would say that everyone was on his side.
That is beyond disgusting and awful on his part. Absolutely completely self-absorbed. Not to diminish your story, but a friend of mine is married to a narc. She had six miscarriages, and he never once visited her in the hospital.
My mother was one of those mothers who was so jealous when I was nice to my friends and spend time with them, she never wanted me to have any kinda friends except herself!! Interesting 🧐
@Thomas Anderson when you use the very first comment as context it makes sense. But I'll explain further. The first comment talks about how her mom hated when she spent time with her friends and got jealous. To relate to her (the original comment) i said "My mom never let me spend the night" to show how our rough times were indeed similar. I hope this helped with your confusion.
Please don’t stop. I enjoy all your commentary and your awareness that your comments are your view. I am grateful for the thoughts you give me beyond your commentary. You’re helpful mate. Thank you. Stay great King!
Dear God, do you know my ex???? EVERYTHING you said could describe him perfectly. I didn't realize he was a narcissist, I just knew he was so hard to live with, so I got away. BEST thing that I ever did.
Narcissistic people know how to charm someone like crazy in order to "win" their favor. Once the person who was being pursued is "won over" and completely comfortable around them... They flip the switch. For me, all was good til I moved in with my Ex, 2 years into the relationship. One would think that after dating for 2 years that yo know them well enough to judge them. Ha. In my case I didn't know know him at all til I was so caught up in his life, and his friends that I had stopped hanging out with co workers etc in order to go home to spend time with him. Bam. Done. Alone. Only him to count on to always be there.
The closest narc apology i got was "we were wrong." They were "apologizing" for stonewalling me after I tried to talk about something important. I then basically said that if they were just going to shut me down for trying to talk about something important to me then I could find supportive people to talk to. They took it as an ultimatum as if "hey, treat me with respect or I'll find better friends" is such an ultimatum lol. And the fact that they tried to make me think I should apologize too...?
Dr Grande, fascinating discussion of Narcissism! Frightening, too, that it describes certain family members as well as people in the workplace! Well done!
If you think you're a narcissist you should probably contact a psychologist so you can get properly diagnosed. I also think I'm one but I'm working on a way to tell my therapist.
@@3434-c1t You could be a Narcissist by proxy. Real Narcs would never admit they are Narcs. Their children (usually but not always) adopt their parents narc behavior as a coping mechanism.
I'm sorry. For years I felt sorry for my mom, but she's the toxic vulnerable narcissist and my dad's the totally oblivious psychopath antisocial (he even has no friends). It's a drag when your family is messed up, with that comes a lot of pain. Are you close with him?
@@G123. omg I thought I replied to your question. I used to be close to him back in my early childhood, but now I cut him off of my life. I hope you are not in touch with your parents... I'm so sorry that you also had to experience this :(
@@reyna6069 The saddest part is that I've actually tried to keep one with them, however minimally, but they will not entertain one really (they all had Christmas without me) including not caring about my little children because I simply want them to acknowledge that what we grew up in has had a lasting consequence on us all. But they whine for mercy and attention when they, especially my mother, go on and on about how hard THEY had it growing up, which is true, their parents were also textbook Cluster B abusers. But they WILL NOT hear their own role now. It's been so hard because I have no other close supports. I believe that people who have pathology who came from these environments only demonstrate observable symptoms due to their circumstances as not having adequate supports. The more affluent people are and the more social supports they generally tend to gain due to that, the better off they are. My mother prides herself, for lack of a better word, over some bullshit loyalty for not calling the police when my father would rage including once pulling a shotgun on my brother, but they called the police on me most recently because I was trying to get them to entertain the abuses they did are patterns of greater pathology (my father meets all the criteria for conduct disorder and being an antisocial). They WILL NOT hear of it. They'll threaten to arrest me for "harassment" first, and this was after my father threw a can of food at me treating me with the same assumed tolerance of physical abuse at 40 as he did when I was a kid, and wash their hands of any relationship before they will admit the toll it has taken on me. I attempted suicide at 23 and my mother sat in on the only real solo "therapy session" I had while in the hospital I know now to guard what I disclosed. You have to be in a special place of deep selfishness that you'll risk daughter staying that depressed before you take the leap to acknowledge any family skeletons. They're the only family I know. It is unbelievably lonely and hard. I once tried to just disown my father a number of years back, and even my mother is usually the first to complain about how horrible he is when it's suiting her, but she made it clear that if I disowned, I'd lose her too. She always did put her crotch before her kids. They are the textbook narcissistic/antisocial couple. My siblings like to triangulate and attack me whether overtly or covertly when it suits them too, but they're all messed up. They don't like it because I call out their hypocrisy and abuse. My mother makes me sick. She is a disgusting human being, and the stuff I've heard her say about strangers children repulses me, not only what she's capable of doing to us all throughout our childhood including when we were little. What somebody has the capacity to do to their kids is them at their best. That is the BEST of their character, so if they treat their kids like crap, it speaks volumes that they cannot love ANYBODY.
@@G123. this honestly breaks my hard. Thanfully, my parents are divorced, so I didn't have to experience my dad's evil mind on a daily basis. However, my mom was not the best either. I'm not sure if she fits the narcisst criteria 100%, since she can be loving, caring etc, but at the same time she would often verbally abuse me, if I didn't meet her expectations or 100% agreed with her. Your story reminds me a bit of mine, in a way. I tried commiting suicide 2 years ago and was diagnosed with BPD after. My mom didn't believe my therapists or doctors and said she wouldn't pay for my therapy sessions anymore, since I'm such a bratty teenager (I'm 21 now) and all the professionals are lying. As a punishment she sent me to my father. At the time I didn't know he was a narcisst, well I didn't realize, because in all these previous years I just ignored all the signals, so I thought finally I'll be reuinted with a parent who truly understands me. In conclusion, I got threatened, had to experience physical and mental abuse, got my pet killed and lost a few belongings. Reasoning with these people is pointless and the only way to appeal to them is by tricking them in a way, but I think it is better to stay away from them as far as possible. . I must say that one good thing I can say about my family is that they have shown me what type of parent I do not want to become. Also, spotting narcissts is easy for me, while for my friends not really.Every child deserves a parent, but not every parent deserves a child.
@@reyna6069 I'm 40 now & spent the first 20 years of my life at least feeling so sorry for my mother. That whining victimhood was her greatest mode of abuse, that and her using me as her therapist growing up because she WAS/IS unstable but doesn't recognize she has never had any sincere peers. Her mental abuse, in the longer-term was worse than experiencing any object my dad smashed. Her social hang ups made me reject people as friends on a snobbery basis, yet I had few others. They are both horrible people, just different. Neither will accept their role in my childhood depression and subsequent suicide attempt at 23. Like I said, they'll wash their hands of you before they'll take on the vulnerability to admit publicly they sucked as parents and it's affected me even now. They're hypocrites and triangulate their own siblings and mine. It's no loss to them not to see me nor my little kids because they do not form attachment love. They form social contracts with conditions, and those conditions are you never question or hold them accountable. Ever.
At 50 years old, through trying to educate myself about why I feel the way I do, I’ve learned that I was raised by two supremely narcissistic parents. I cut them out of my life about ten years ago when I realized that my mother was trying to turn my young daughters and my wife against me when she was realizing that I was on to her. Cutting them out of our lives was the best earthly decision I’ve ever made.
I really appreciate all the topics on narcissists. Never knew what the diagnosis was for this person I live with. I'm so frustrated! Dozens of phone calls to professionals got me nowhere . So now I get it! Thank you!!
They remember every single one of your faults and forget all of their own.
Spot On..my husband would blow up anything I said or did. He even had the nerve to tell me both he and his daughter were perfect and I was the fucked up individual and want sex afterward.
@Mask of Sanity Not natural. ☹️
@@jamiegurley4230 Yep, I get it.
@Mask of Sanity Well I appreciate your honesty! At least you’re aware that you have narcissist tendencies, we all probably do to a degree. I think having empathy is the greatest gift and without it, we can’t truly feel outside our own head.
@Mask of Sanity Yeah I definitely believe that lack of empathy comes as a defense mechanism from when we are children. And you’re right, some of it is DNA. I heard Jeffrey Dahmer had a pretty normal childhood, but he ended up a monster. Obviously we don’t know if he really did have a good childhood, but that’s the story.
I've met one or two narcissists in my life and I can truly express that I'm sorry I ever wasted a moment with them.
More like they should be sorry for wasting my time lol.
They are so wicked
Only cut contact no arguing.
@Liber8me ha
I've met two extreme narcissists but about 16 other people who I think were somewhere on the spectrum with qualities like self centeredness, low conscientiousness (even though knowing their actions negatively impact upon others), low empathy, insistence upon their own opinion with no room for negotiation including on minor issues where there is room to budge, self entitlement even though they've not earnt the right to a privilege, ungratefulness, fragile to criticism or being ignored, arrogance, quick to shift the blame, feelings of grandure ('I'm so good looking, I'm such a great partner, all the girls adore me') and expecting others to bend over backwards to assist them even if it involves breaking important pre-existing arrangements. There's usually one or two in every workplace I've been in so or it's fairly common. They usually also have a chequered romantic history too and some like to flirt- ex and present partners soon come to see how nasty they are and the narc likes to flirt to gain attention.
The real problem with narcissists is that ultimately...they are just terribly, terribly boring. If you want to become an interesting person, take a really genuine interest in others. There is nothing more dull than a soley self interested person...
True I'm a narcissist sociopath and boring ...I thrive in chaos of others but nothing positive they do lol
Yeah, that’s not such a problem. The REAL problem with narcissists is the psychological damage they can do to other people, especially when it’s a parent.
@@paulswan5269 True that!
Denis Mann So true!
I believe the opposite. They tend to be persuasive, charismatic, and charming. They manipulate people to draw them in to be attractive. They tend to be very interesting and that's the honey that keeps you. Then they slowly slice you to pieces.
A narcissist's favorite apology, "im sorry you feel that way"
This one to: I was just speaking my mind, I didn't mean it.
That absolutely describes my dad.
For example, I was falsely accused of a violent assault. My sister claimed to police that I had just beat her black & blue as she thought I told her boyfriend about her affair. The police took less than twenty minutes to realize that I couldn't have beaten her black & blue twenty minutes before & there were no injuries to my hands. Which led to the Police pursuing charges against my sister...
My dad apparently used his power as a judge to get the police to drop the felony charge against her. He also assaulted me after he had offered to take me to see his father who was dying. After being punched in the head a few times I jumped out of his moving car & was injured. He told his family I "beat the living shit out of her". Eventually, I learned that while I was over a hundred miles away, my sister's boyfriend followed her to her lover's home and spent the night in his car seeing her leave in the morning...
Everytime I tried to bring up my dad's conduct and the fact that he never admitted to his family that the police knew that I never assaulted my sister, he always says "I'm sorry you feel that way"...
The word they can't bear is no
The word they can't utter is sorry
@@davidhollenshead4892
Obviously, you are the scapegoat but not only your father is the problem, you have a few more than himself.
I hope you go no contact with all of them soon or you're doomed for whatever life is ahead of you and they don't seem to care about you or you're well-being.
Run for your life.
Not always, I tried saying that upon an extreme narcissist in the hopes she would enjoy the attention and focus on 'her', and hope she she might realize she was no victim etc; that she would stop and realize the harm she was doing to me and someone else. No it did not work however.
Here’s an interesting dynamic. I was a people pleaser who always got into relationships with narcissists. In the beginning it satisfied my need to do nice things and the narcissist loved being the center of attention. Then in time the mental abuse started and it was unbearable especially for a people pleaser. It took several relationships like this for me to realize I deserve respect. It cured my low self esteem to want to be liked and appreciated for who I am not just for kissing ass. Fortunately, I am cured of the people pleaser/loser mentality. And the hardest part was dropping all the narcissists in my life including some family members. I was raised by one where my habitual people pleasing efforts began. The other problem with being a people pleaser is everyone disrespects you. Once you dislodge the focus on others and begin to relax and just be true to yourself you can enjoy being yourself, set boundaries so others don’t take advantage of you and be honest in a way that is never demeaning to others.
You must be an amp up like me we attract narcissistic people
I can relate to that. Congratulations on getting out of that cycle. It took a lot of self inflicted misery for me to do the same.
I'm a people pleaser too , just like my mom. She always used to say- Love everyone you can but don't 'waste' your goodness on someone- once you know its being wasted- move on, there are others out there who will appreciate it. Whats inside us is worth giving, and equally important- its worth being received well and appreciated.
I am a highly empathetic person. If you are as well, we attract narcissistic personalities. I am 56 years old, and now finally understand why I did that. I can really pick them out now, man or woman.
I feel like someone self identifying as a major charictaristic stylized people pleaser likely has a faulted sense of importance and that their qualifiers to identify an individual as a narcissist are likely inhibited/overzealous/impaired.
Why would someone who undervalued their worth not think someone else values themselves (deservedly or not) more highly than a chronic self-undervaluer?
"I didn't say that" when confronted with something they said. Meant to end discussion.
They are very sure in the way they word things when they think that's ALL that matters, to them of course.
That's gaslighting and narcissists do that
What causes narcissism?
Carrie Williams research suggests unstable childhoods/parental relationships/trauma can cause disorders such as narcissism and borderline personality disorder as a coping mechanism, as they probably experienced instability within interpersonal relationships, causing them to become self-absorbed, etc.
@@Deliciousclagglue I'm BPD and my partner is NPD, these 16 years together have been... complicated
It’s terrible when a hard core narcissist is continually defended by mutual friends/family/co-workers. Ughhh 😑
especially when you the only one who refuse to kiss their ass.
I'm in this situation with my boss she tries humiliating me and when I make the slights mistake she punish the whole group because she wants them to blame me and hate me, she always tell them how things will change and how she's strict because of me and the work environment will be friendly and relaxed if I wasn't with them.
@@NadDew quit your job. find another job. there are other jobs.
Flying monkeys as they are called, referring the wicked witch of the west from the wizard of oz.
They are coined the term
flying monkeys 😌!
It really sucks when they are charismatic and people dont wanna believe its true.
Things narcissists say/do (summed up)
1.) Minimizing Talents or achievements (you talented, but...)
2.) Find ways to insult others or find others weaknesses
3.) Vicious criticism (tell you the truth for your own good trope)
4.) Arrogant (insecure about integrity challenged)
5.) They challenge others integrity
6.) All their last romantic partners are losers
7.) They don’t understand how deep our relationship is
8.) When apologizing, they are sorry to say sorry, insincere
9.) When they find terrible news about someone else, they hope it’s not contagious or life is tough
10.) When they developed a serious illness, they say why did this happen to me or why won’t people be focused on them.
Thank you, I was looking for this. 😁
When I heard the thought process behind 3 and 10 it almost took my breath away.
@@jellyfishi_ narcissist had to receive it but looooooove to give.
My MIL does a lot of these. When my dog died of cancer, she thought that she could catch cancer. A dog’s cancer. She also constantly talks about herself and has to one up any medical issues. Like when I broke my leg again, she had to talk about how she always carries on and deals with her arthritis, and how it’s so much more painful than a broken leg. She insults her son constantly and blames him for her not graduating high school; because he was born. It’s very frustrating.
@Isa, thanks for summing up. I have something to add at no.2: they don't use yóur weaknesses. Because they só NOT interested in you, that they cannot know you thus don't know your weaknesses. But they will project theírs on you (so it is for them like they don't have any) and coïncidentally that can hurt you too. But actually they know you just superficially and guess something
They start arguments but when they lose, they immediately say it doesn’t matter anyway
,😹😹😹
I do that. Oops
@@wonderwoman1049 there's nothing wrong with admitting your argument doesn't actually matter after being proven wrong. It's not narcissistic to do that at all. Most narcisissts will not even accept that their argument doesn't matter. To them they are right
I start arguments but then get annoyed/ headache from the argument. Its like arguing and then telling the person to stfu youve had enough.
Classic, yes. My sister picked a fight with me in which she thought she could lord it over me and tell me what I should do. It had been a long time since our last contact and I had changed my way of interacting. She got a very firm rebuttal from me and then claimed that it 'didn't matter to her'. Obviously it did or she wouldn't have bothered to email me that c*ap in the first place.
When I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus Erythematosis, my ex husband narcissist responded with "so how is this going to affect me?" I was crying processing my life sentence of being sick for life.... And he was worried about the influence it is going to have on him.
I'm glad to hear he's your ex! I hope things are going well with your health, and if they aren't, I hope you're finding all the strength and support you need to get through it :)
@@nataliejames1964 Thanks Natalie! I am doing so much better. Getting treatment. I have an amazing team of doctors ranging from specialist physicians to psychologists that have been absolutely amazing!
@@dieHetster That's amazing to hear! I know a lot of people struggle to find the proper help so you're very fortunate to have found such good resources
When I got a rare form of mouth cancer, I had to have really complicated surgery. My husband said several times how glad he was that it was me having to cope with this ordeal, not him. Nice. Yep.
@@nataliejames1964 I am truly very lucky and blessed. ❤️
Don't forget when they're confronted about something they said or did and they respond with "I don't remember that."
yes !
Nah they wouldent say that they would just smirk at you.
I deleted those texts, therefore it didn't happen! Lol, like really? Ok honey! But you forgot to delete my texts AND my memory ; )
@Tam Possible The iron my narc hubs threw at me, he doesn't remember it at all! Despite the broken iron, dent in the sheet rock and the subsequent new iron - he hasn't the foggiest!
@@blowitoutyourcunt7675 Ofc. the bastard remembers he is gaslightning you.
I definitely picked up traits of my last narcissist boyfriend. The more rude he was, the more I wondered if I was being too soft. So I found myself being harsh with things I wouldn’t normally be.
Both of you are spot on! I was in a narcissistic relationship and I found myself stopping to her level. When she raised her voice I would raise mine higher. When she gaslighted me I would unconsciously do the same to her. When she minimized me, I would also do the same. It got to the point I didn’t recognize myself. It had to get physical for me to physically leave. She held me hostage & stole my phone & belongings the last night we fought. She broke me physically and I lashed out. Ended up breaking her arm out of self defense. I allowed her to turn me into a monster. I’m currently in therapy trying to get over the dark feelings she brought me.
7 years I was with someone who couldn't pay me compliment but could always criticize me. And would always say " I'm only telling you the truth to help you grow." I get it now thank you
That person could be a narc, but people, your real friends, will tell you the truth, even if it hurts to allow you to grow.
If you did any sports/dancing etc then your coach, teammates woukd tell you your flaws so, you can improve.
Putting you down and lowering your self esteem is a narc trait, helping you grow is what a true friend does.
It is dangerous to generalize on this one.
I would advise you to research the dead giveaways of narcissism and if the have like 6+ traits, then they are most likely a narc.
Almost all human have some narcisstic traits and it is not unhealthy to have some. Being a narc on the other hand....
@@roberth4395 Dude, 7 years of all criticism and NO compliments? I would advise you to research what narcissism is.
You can be a bad person without being a narcissist
I lived with a man 49 1/2 years and he never called me anything but my name. No honey, dear,sweetheart, nothing.
They don't care about how you are, even if they ask you. It gives them the opportunity to talk about themselves.
Oh boy my FIL is like this with my child and then blames me for the grandchild not liking him 🙄
None of the narcissists in my life have ever come close to the words “I’m sorry.” My mother actually is happy when she hears bad news about others it somehow allows her to make things about herself. She fakes sympathy so she can talk about it and then criticizes the sick or troubled person.
That is my partner to a T!
Sounds like she's nice and maybe horny
@@nexus6514 get a life
This is my mom
Exactly! My mother has only apologized for being late. I suspect that is from her strict upbringing of being punctual.
Thank you so much for this video. Not only did I grow up around this because of my family, but I've been doing lots of these things myself. I don't want to be a narcissist. Your video helps me identify what I can improve in myself.
When you confront a Narcissist that they did or said in the past that was inappropriate. They will reply in a knee jerk manner..."I don't remember that"!
They might also say "It is interesting that we all remember things differently". Oy!
@@wisecoconut5 They have always their own version of the story where they are the good guy and you are the bad guy.
Or try them blaming the 12 year old you for cps removal of self and brothers from her care. 😂 honestly now I laugh about it. I was so relieved to find out she was the sick one and that I was just fine. It took 30 years though. Thankful daily I'm mostly happy mostly healthy and trying my damndest to become a better me daily. P.s I had to cut 100% of contact in order to heal. If your on the fence about cutting off ur abuser, just do it.
My mom does that 🤣 she will tell me that she didn't say that. She will also minimize the hurt of what she said to me. I can be overly dramatic though so there's that too. 🤣
Or I didn’t do that.. when ?? I did what?? Oh bullshiz I didn’t do that..or the other lie.... ohh she is lying, they are lying, that person doesn’t even know me .. everyone is a damn liar ..
"You have really hurt me 😭" "wow, I was only joking! What's wrong with you, don't you have a sense of humor 😆?"
That was my ex's way of bullying me. He'd relentlessly poke fun at my deepest insecurities, then play it off as a joke.
Ughhhh I can hear that with my mom's voice clearly and that's such a bad yet constant (on going) vivid memory hav of her
Yep! They destroy!
My girlfriend used you have really hurt me when she was the one who hurt me.
Kim, my experience as well. I have become deeply suspicious of people who poke fun then say, “Oh I was only joking. You’re too sensitive.” I can take some cajoling, I think, but I’ve learned that non-narcissists actually stop the behaviour when they see it’s hurtful, and are quick to sincerely apologize. Narcissists, even vulnerable ones (or maybe especially?) don’t apologize, or if they do, don’t stop the behaviour even when asked.
Making fun of someone, but minimizing the victim's right to be upset by deflecting with comments to belittle their reaction.
Very true!
That’s #1
“You’re too sensitive.”
As a recovering narcissist, I can say that the first one, minimizing others' skills/talents, I used to do this because I felt like I was getting no attention for the many skills and talents I had/have. I have 2 older siblings, and they constantly belittled and mocked me, leaving me feel like I had to brag about myself and minimize others' accomplishments. I took me until well into my adulthood to realize what I was doing, why I was doing it, and why it bothered people so much. It made people LESS likely to acknowledge anything good I did. I still struggle with this, but now at least I am able to analyze and try to correct it.
do you think you're really narcissist?
my boss is a narcissist and not in million years she will admit or realize that about herself, she once told after I complained about her to HR " you can't destroy my reputation I'm like the sun you can't cover the sun" 🥱
like i care about her reputation all i want from her is to leave me alone.
Thank you so much for posting. I believe that I am a recovering narcissist too. Perhaps a covert one. I tend to appreciate other people’s achievement but perhaps it’s to associate with their grandiosity. The effect of your siblings is real and I think so much of human personality is transferable and contextual that we must always have a place to forgive others and ourselves. True pain comes when we cannot receive the forgiveness of those we have truly loved but still let down.
Same here, and what worries me now is spending too much time with the analysis is merely unhealthy self obsession, and maybe sometimes it is. I just hope you don't suffer the same contradictory combination of perfectionism and laziness I developed from a slightly similar situation.
no such thing as a recovering narcissist, its a malignant condition..
the most prominent features of narcissism are NO SELF AWARENESS & not taking responsibility, also no ability to accept critisism or to change..you cant possibly be a narcissist , unless this is some ploy to get praised for not being a narc😉😉we are aware of the narcs manupulations & tactics
Yes, they love the “we have a special relationship” game. Especially, if they can make another person feel insignificant at the same time.
“Oh, that’s different.” ..a way to establish double standards...I lived with this.
I had to quickly recover from a hysterectomy. My narc husband “took care of me” for a couple of days, then left me with the feeling that I was lying around doing nothing, i.e., being lazy. I kept doing the Christian thing of forgiving and I thought this kind of life was ‘normal’ until I realized that I was ‘mentally sick’ to feel this way and I needed to get out. He would have never divorced me because I was his doormat. I surprised when I stood up to him. After 32 years of being married to him, he never asked me if I was returning. He knew I had figured him out and didn’t want me because his game was over with me. I seem to attract this kind of guy. That’s the reason I’m single. If I cannot find a guy who respects, I am better off single.
Never marry someone to try to fill a void or complete yourself. Women were fed that bogus idea for so many generations.
l was in the same situation for 37 years...didnt realize who he was....he was a sexua,l covert, narcissist....at 65 l walked away ....They are the personification of evil.
I was deemed lazy when I was sick or hurt. I wasn't allowed 2 work, he would sabatage 3 jobs I got. He would deem me lazy for NOT working. Pissed me the hell off.
You are an empath, look that up and the best ways to set up boundaries.
I hate these double standarts. They are installed in society, too.
I like this format: situation > spoken words > unspoken thoughts.
The more I hear about narcissist, the more I realize a lot of people I know are narcissists.
True that!
everybody has narcissistic traits but they are not pathologic by everyone.
The whole American culture is narcisstic in many ways, Kevin
@@jeskg720 yes just look at the values of Hollywood. People are influenced especially at an early age
Very true💫
"I've wondered if I was a narcissist, but because I am wondering about it that means I'm not. I am truly so very amazing!" 🤣😂🤣😂
Roflmao
🤣🤣🤣🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️
Same here
You're not narcissist, you're just big boned 😉
It depends on the depth of your wondering?
The closest thing to an apology from my narcissistic sibling was a haughty, “Well, Im sorry if I came across that way.” As always, implying they acted perfectly and that I just don’t perceive things well.
That's a standard "gaslighting" behavior. Steer clear of that sister as much as you can
That would depend on what they said.
OK, to be specific: I asked for an apology, She asked what it was that she did that she needed to apologise for, but insisted I couldn’t give “a laundry list”. So, I thought about what was consistent with each of many times over many many years. I told her she had been condescending, cold, humiliating and disrespectful (I was very clear I only desired basic respect). She later told me that if I didn’t give her specifics (in other words, a laundry list), how could she know what I was talking about, and also added, “respect is earned” - so she was entitled to be disrespectful to me until I met her standards for bog standard, stranger on the street decency.
Maybe they did not want to come across that way and you take it wrong. My sister always acted like a baby and victim. Nothing or nobody was good enough for her. Just except it that she didn't intentionally want to come across that way.
@@lolotaeja3911 Wait, that counts as gaslighting? Oh damn. I do that all the time. I'll see if I can find a better means of apologizing in the future.
I’m just now realizing I worked with a narcissist. She actually said to me once: “People are always asking me how I can stand to work with you.”
Oh how lovely! One thing that helped me was when my Chinese BFF gf was telling me to DETACH. Straight from Buddhism 101 - what causes unhappiness in this world is the endless wanting of things that they don't have. The more that Buddhism sinks in, the better it gets.
Well that statement was just meanness....One nasty co-worker!! My mom made similar remarks "Everyone says...." Nobody likes..." All the time "everyone" and "nobody" were her alone.
What a Sweetheart she sounds like! Don't worry. She'll work w a new set of "friends" real soon. Their turnover rate in that area is high
Did you ask her what was her answer?
Also, rather than apologizing they always say "I'm sorry you feel that way".
Actually that's something taught in therapy. Therapists will encourage you to respond like that rather than take things personally. A narcissist is more likely to say you don't feel that way.
@@hellokitty-kitty5497 Ya there is actually nothing wrong with that at all. The person your responding too is taking it the wrong way. By saying that the person is taking responsibility for how they make the person feel.
Was just about say that. It's manipulative. Putting the onus on the victim.
Why is this not a good statement? I don’t use it every time “when I hurt someones feelings”. Not every hurt feelings is justified so when I feel I would still do the same course of action again I say “sorry you feel that way”. When I would change my actions and someone’s feelings got hurt, I straight up apologize and I try to make it “right”. I do this cause I don’t like that my actions have upset them but I cannot apologize for what happen since I would do it again but I do recognize that someone was made to feel “a way they didn’t” want because of my actions. Think apologizing for the action would be dishonest.
Narcissists are never sorry about anything.
I believe this video can really help people who are involved with a narcissist a LOT because any one of these statements, heard in isolation, can sound peculiar but hearing them all you begin to recognize the statements and see that the person you suspected as being narcissistic does, in fact, show a pattern. Good work Dr. Grande! (And I like the two blue shirts!)
Joanne Labs,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!
Thank you for this video, really helps me understand the things my father always did to me, like if I ever read a book where he could see me he would tell me to stop because "I read too much," and instead watch tv. I could never comprehend his problem with me reading, now I understand that it was because he is jealous, since he struggles to ever finish a book.
Elisabeth McLean,You are beautiful 🌹🌺🌺,hope you are not with a narc 😈 in your life!!
Oh for crying out loud.
Now I realize my roommate is a narcissist, he has all of these traits. It's honestly very draining just being in the same room as him for long periods of time, it's like a constant battle in his mind.
I know exactly what you mean!! I've a friend like this. When in my company I come away drained in every way ✌️✌️✌️
I've had to almost completely stop talking to my roommate because of her shit 🙃
This is so my mother. She incessantly complains about everything, minimizes anything that I do, then tries to smooth it over and act like nothing happened when I get upset over her behavior. She speaks about how beautiful her skin is and how no one can believe that she is anywhere near her age. She is 87 by the way, and has been this way as long as I can remember. I disappeared for a lot of years. It is hard work to forgive.
My mother is one, too, and I fear the day we (my siblings and I) will have to be close to her and around to help. She loves sowing seeds of discord and telling exaggerated complaints to others about us. She also loves to constantly talks of how great she is and what a victim we have made her into.
Sounds like my grandma (88) - she has the most beautiful hair, skin, she is the one that is intelligent, everybody is bellow her. She deserves everything. Everything is her right. People should be happy that she talkes to them....just evil and exhausting. Head up, you don´t have to have frequent contact with her. Forgivness needs time. Invest it in yourself. Stay strong!
Jealousy!
You don’t owe her anything. If you her presence makes you feel worse, don’t go. She has already taken too much from you.
Disappear AGAIN!
IF apologizing, they make it about themselves and make you feel guilty
Example: "im sorry for that, i feel so bad now, how am i such a horrible person, you should get away because im the worst" and then you end up telling them : no you are a good person...
My mother in a nutshell....
@@sum1has2 mine too
For me, I think an apology is sincere when someone can apologize and follow it up with “I recognize how this must have made you feel/affected you/made things hard for you etc.” and then tell me what that impact was so I realize it’s accurate and they really get it. But if someone does that and also says “I feel terrible, it was a total dick move on my part” that’s fine.
But mostly I know they’re sincere if they don’t do it again, or catch themselves if they’re about to.
Traits of a vulnerable narcissist not so much grandiose
Thank you for this video. This describes my Mother to a tee. Unfortunately I have some of her traits. But unlike her, I am seeking professional help.
👍🌈💪💗🥰
Good for you. I hope things are getting better for you.
So you’re better than her :P
Jesus saves 🙏
@@jellyfishi_ do you think? I’ve found that most narcissists have egos so big, when you threaten their bubble they get butt hurt.
What about "No one's ever going to love you as much as I do" or "you'll never find anyone who loves you as much as I do"
Yes!
Narc: "You'll never get married again". Me: "That's not your business. I don't care if you get married again". Narc: Jaw Drops.....and now I must be punished for speaking to him that way....
@@jacquelinefroehle5868 See also: "I know you better than you know yourself"
Just say(God I hope I don't meet anyone like u again)then run.
I worked with a narcissist and after she heard me getting a compliment, she sabotaged my work! Horrible woman!
So did I. She set me up to be fired but carma paid her a visit she was fired for stealing.
I believe it.
I've experienced this more than once!
I know that type well. Can be horrible and sucks the life out of you.
@@dontc.y.udothat600 i must be still missing some main ingredient, because in my sitiation Im the manager, this psycho that worked there steals, so I fire them with the support of my superiors, but yet in the end....she still gets her way and i end up losing my job instead somehow, through a direct action of something she did. The people that supported me left their positions and she cried to the new superiors and I got fired and she is still there? She complained so much about it the people on my side (and there were several) left their positions and were replaced by new ones. Wtf? !! How did she do that??
I love Dr Grande’s dry sense of humor, I get a good laugh. He is so knowledgeable, I wish had found a therapist like him years ago. My mother was extremely narcissistic.
Me too. Congratulations on surviving her!
So many statements I have heard over the years. By understanding these points of narcissism I begin to free myself from the guilt of not being good enough, not making enough effort in my marriage. Thank you for this video.
Your probably just a horrible wife....dont over think it.
@@jokerscards8254 ever think your nastiness could cost someone their life? What kind of human being are you... well male for sure!
@@arlenelewis1908 You are a precious 🌹🌷🌷 being 💓,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
OMG! For one, after watching yours and other people's videos on Narcissism and Narcissistic personality disorder I know that I had been a magnet for narcissists all along. And now while watching this particular video I could literally recall situations I had faced in every single scenario that you outlined. It's almost like you know those people and without naming names you're talking about them. Thank you so much for what you do. I finally know I'm not the one who has issues (outside of being the magnet for narcissists, which I have learned not to be) but they are the ones who are absolutely the problem. We tend to believe their lies and start thinking they are infallible and absolutely incapable of being wrong, when the truth is, they are complete nutcases. Phew! Better late than never, I'm at peace now.
Yay! I'm not a narcissist. If you work with a person like this, you get to wondering if you're the problem. I began to panic a little last Xmas thinking that maybe I was narcissistic to expect better behaviour.
Thank you heaps, Dr Grande. 🌹👍
This is what I am struggling so much with, am I a narcissist?, I know now that I have fearful-avoidant attachment traits, but was I, or am I the narcissist, I don't have the traits or have not done the things in this video, but there seem so many overlaps that it scares me that I may be
@@msamerica842 you're not... You may be self protective and hurt but you're not because you have a hold of your conscience and your empathy
@Saint Sarah Amazing ☹❤ Love from Sweden
It's part of human nature to exist in the spectrum of narcissism, as we are all in there to some degree, but few are on the extreme end resulting in a NPD diagnosis. Only a licensed professional is competent enough to make that diagnosis
@Ry F you need to know you are like that, because you are like that and if you don't know you're like that or you don't think you're like that then you're more like that than you think, because the people who are most like that are people who don't think they are like that at all
I have heard most of the comments on this video. It is amazing the power words have to convey deeper thoughts/intentions. Sometimes we hear these words and we are left with this awful feeling but can’t explain why. Well, this video explains the reason why very accurately. This behavior is such a mixture of unkindness, lack of insight and lack of emotional intelligence to say the least.
Great video as always Dr. Grande!
197k...😉
I believe I've heard most of these through the years .The narcissist seems to actually believe others believe whatever kind of s*** comes out of their mouths. Unless one is ready to challenge almost everything they say the garbage keeps on rolling . They are exhausting and NEVER improve .
I've been dealing with one for nearly 15 years, and have two kids with her.
Her go-to was to make subtle threats to keep our kids from me, as she knew that would keep me in line. So I've spent the last 12 years just rolling over for her for fear of losing my kids.
I just got emergency custody after her husband caught her with a meth pipe in their house. The whole mess that created must have caused a pretty bad "narcissistic injury", because she's been lashing out big time.
It's been very stressful; she's convinced she's the victim in this and that I'm not being fair to her by following the court order. I've had to call her out on a few attempted manipulations, which have just enraged her.
It's like dealing with a bratty, spoiled kid.
Excellent video. I recently realized a long time friend of mine is a narcissist. I could never understand why she was always getting in subtle digs at me, insults. Now I understand it was her way of puffing herself up at my expense.
3:43 "I'm just trying to help!" I've heard that sooo many times.
@Kakashi Hatake That's true, but more often than not it's used as an excuse for being a jerk.
Same here Maxwe11Z
@K FuckingCuntingWomen What does that mean ?
@K FuckingCuntingWomen Narcs such as my father gaslights me all the time . My father very untrustworthy I don't believe anything he says anymore . When he says one thing and does another .
@K FuckingCuntingWomen For real
When the Nar's start ranting. Just look at them and WALK AWAY!
God they hate that!
Agreed
I packed two suitcases and left. Best thing I ever did for me. 😊
Starve them. Don't do drama with them.
My ex followed me from room to room. He hated for me not to engage in his craziness....but if I agreed with his craziness he knew I was really just agreeing to shut him up and he hated that even more. Thank God I got out of that life and met my soulmate!
When I walk away he yells at me that I’m doing what I always do, walk away, don’t deal with the problem he says. But I walk away because I know nothing is going to be resolved and he just wants to vent. When I walk away it’s because he’s yelling at me and being real aggressive verbally. Thoughts? Am I gaslighting him like he says? Or am I keeping a boundary of, your not allowed to speak to me this way? I’m so confused.
A couple narcissists I've known had a particular response to the phrase "You're right." They would say, "I'm always right." The reply was immediate and predictable, seeming automatic. It was like a window into their inner workings.
Oh my God, that's how I answer (jokingly) when someone says I m right.
This comment just popped up when I was thinking if I was narcissistic or picked up some habits from some some of them in my life.
@@everlastingideas8625 Yeah, well jokingly is another thing. You're inviting the other party to challenge your assertion in good fun. It's playful behavior. And maybe sometimes there actually is this growing sense in your mind that you've been overwhelmingly right about things, but the important thing which distinguishes you from the narcissist is how you react when presented with examples of situations in which you've been wrong.
And by the way, if the other party expresses agreement with the idea that you're always right, they may be pandering to you. Narcissists like to surround themselves with yes-men. It's important to make friends with people who are instead willing to challenge you and bring you back down to earth when you get carried away, which is normal. It does not mean you are a narcissist because you get carried away on occasion.
I read a short while back that a fairly accurate method of diagnosing a narcissist is simply asking them, “are you a narcissist?” Someone with NPD is very likely to respond with something like “of course I am, everyone should be a narcissist, etc.” if you ask right, sometimes they will tell you.
Everyone has narcissistic traits guys. No need to panic. Just be aware and work on it. It’s only an issue when you have no self control or awareness with of course more than normal narcissistic traits
@@everlastingideas8625 Come on, you don't need to state something that is evident to everyone present!
Here it is, to make you feel better - your MBTI or OCEAN index. Some people ARE always right!
I would add one example. My mother, a malignant narcissist, had an interesting response to my telling her that my 30 year old son had developed Psoriatic Arthritis. She said, “. Well, that doesn’t come from MY side of the family. Maybe it is from your husband’s ‘background’. No illness, including my chronic depression, has any origin in her family history. This is so amusing to me because my grandmother, her mother, was a well known chronically depressed individual.
"I'm sorry. Are you satisfied now?" YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I recognise that one but hadn't realised it was in the NPD category.
"Oh, I didn't know that you would react THAT way?" Yeah no shit a***ole, you just told me that you were unfaithful, sorry it made me upset. -_- Here have a cookie.
OH NO! EEEWWW! How sick.
I have to admit I said that to my mom multiple time too. 🙁 But then my mom did says all these things to me that are listed in this clip. 😭
@@TK-ml5ew Well their is an irony lost.
im a narcissist. i never knew i was until i realized both my parents were they tried to turn me into them. as i became more aware of my narcissism i began to learn to control it and be more aware when i was acting out. i do pretty well now i actually use narcissism sometimes as a performer in a band. you put on the act and people seem to connect easier and like you more because that's what they expect. narcissism is weakness and insecurity. as i became more and more confident for real reasons my narcissism faded.
Are you sure you are a narcissist and not just reflecting the behaviors you were taught growing up? Your comment was full of self-awareness and reflection. These are not traits of a true narcissist.
@@travisstoll3582 a real person that is self aware can also be narcissistic. i was once that person but was unaware of it. i became aware and then decided to control it and "cure" it. im pretty clear with myself about when im a narcissist and when im not. technically im not "malignant" or actively using and abusing other people for my own personal gain. the true narcissist is an evil monster that would sell their own children. im just a play actor for the sake of the people that abused me it was necessary to survive in their world. now that they're gone i can be fully transparent.
@@truescotsman4103 Thank you for the perspective.
@@truescotsman4103 you are a self aware narcissistic person NOT a true full blooded narcissist.
@@alethiamillner5603 i agree. an actual narcissist is aware but still a predator. i was raised by narcissists to be a narcissist to feed their narcissism. while in therapy i suddenly realized all of my narcissistic traits. im not a real narcissist but i sometimes lose my control a little and im bad. narcissism is a bad disease. it completely destroyed my entire family and my whole life. im not really a narcissistic person when im feeling good and im not triggered by a bad person from my past causing me to lose my cool and abuse them.
"Understanding *my* greatness, is the best many people can manage in life."
ROFL
Bikram Chowdray, the "hot yoga" guy says this on one of his interviews :D
@@satsumamoon I think MovieBob mentions this a couple times about himself as well. While making apologia for eugenics, as all the backwards people who just don't understand progress are holding us back should be left to die or some such. Everyone else being the reason we don't have hoverboards and live on space stations - yet he does nothing himself to make that science fiction a reality, he only complains that everyone else is not realizing it for him or sabotaging the world from getting there.
🤣😂😆
@@satsumamoon get outta here you're joking?
Ole Sauffaus when I heard him make this statement I laughed harder than I have in ages
I like your point that a narcissist isn't adept ant targeting weaknesses in others, because it would require some knowledge of human nature. It makes perfect sense that their behavior is more closely related to criticism. Thanks for pointing that out.
Who else has noticed that narcissists tend to be loners, misanthropic and don't have a lot of genuine friends? They also can't bare being ignored or criticised (fragile egos?)
Love ones should ignore love ones so anyone would be bothered by that.
They don't like being ignored BACK.
@@jellyfishi_ agree to an extent but not fully. I know two grandiose narcissists and both were very charming. The first was gregarious, friendly and intially came across like a friend but when people got to really know them and see their true colours, they cut them out of their life, so his social pool was very limited due to his rudeness and selfishness (which became manifest when he was challenged or their attempts to flirt were rejected, for example). The second had everyone say 'they seem like a nice person' about them but those who really knew them came to see how self centered, immature, immoral and braggish they really were. Needless to say, no one bothered with them in the long term either. Finally, I know a covert narc and again, they have similar traits to the above but they are more subterranean. Eventually, you get to see them for what they really are, although it took me years to suss them. Yes, Narcs might have superficial charm that attracts some people in the first instance but the act often can't be sustained for long or forever. It's stands to reason that the ego and selfishness they manifest isn't going to endear people in the long term. A genuine friend and an acquaintance isn't the same thing and the narc loses those who are the former.
I know narcissists with slews of friends and always have social plans. The loners without friends are higher on the psychopathy/sociopathy scale, and I'll dare say, autism spectrum. Research it.
@@G123. there's a difference between being a loner because you have poor social skills (autism) and because you are selfish and don't truly value other people's friendship in the first place (narcissism). Autistic people can't form the friendship bond /emotional attachment in the first place whereas a narc can form a bond but can't sustain it in the long term because doing so involves qualities like empathy, love, consideration for others, humility etc.... Qualities that a narc often lacks. It's all about them.
My favorite was when acting badly they say "I'm only reacting to how you are treating me"...thereby they have no responsibility in the negative relationship
I've been watching your channel for awhile now. This may sound weird but it's been cool watching your personality come through and seeing you become more comfortable in front of the camera. I think watching channels grow and seeing the creators grow is a really cool part of RUclips.
Mrs. Robinson,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌺,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
Jane Austen understood narcissism very well and often inserted such characters into her novels. One that illustrates well what Dr. Grande is saying here is the character of Catherine de Bourgh, who insists that "no one" has as fine an appreciation for music as she does and that had she ever learned to play the piano she was certain she would have been a "true proficient!"
Hahaha yes I thought of that moment too when I heard Dr grande mention it 😂
Mozart's Don Giovanni is also an excellent example of narcissism before it was given that name.
Here's my favorite, "I wish people would just accept me the way I am". In other words every one else is at fault for not tolerating me🙉
People say "just be yourself" but apparently narcissists arent allowed lol
Jarthen Greenmeadow right 😂 this is a bad quote unless speaking about people who are abusive
This is kind of hard. On the one hand I get what u is saying. On the other hand, there are a lot of people who would say this and it is totally valid. A kid just wanting to remain quiet and paint on a field while all the other kids are playing tug of war and yelling and competitive might not want to be forced into the game
But sadly in families this happens,my ex narc was more and less enabled because they accepted him for what he was,in other worlds they were used to his shenanigans and their reaction was "well this is G..."
“You need to accept me for who I am. You obviously have no regard for me and you’re an uncaring person” YUP
My father is a narcissists. One of the weirdest things he does is he will literally fully believe things he made up to fit his narrative of being special and perfect. Growing up, it was so bizarre that I questioned if I was the one making things up, but luckily my brother was home in the summers and we saw the same things. Example, he made a hole in the door by throwing things, and after his hours long fit of rage where he told us how everything is our fault, we are terrible, and he emotionally broke us, he took us out to eat. You know to look like a “good dad”. The next day he made a comment to someone else about how me and my brother horsed around and made a hole in the door. He believed that we made the hole so throughly that he eventually (like years later) talked directly to us about how we damaged the door. I’ll never forget the relief I felt talking to my brother and knowing I wasn’t crazy.
I needed to hear this over 20 yrs ago! " I'm sick. you should be more worried about me than you are" (suffering with a cold). Now that he is possibly facing cancer for a second time, you would think some pride would fall......not one ounce. thanks for the video. another one I should listen to more than one time.
If anything when they get backed into a corner they just double down.
I have been married to a narcissist for 21 years but just recently learned what narcissism was. I have never received an apology for anything for 21 years. It is so frustrating because I'd never get closure on anything because he either refuses to speak about it lit are refuses to admit any fault. I have dealt with depression for our whole marriage but it was weird that none of the antidepressant medication ever worked. Now I realize that I never had depression I was just married to a narcissist. Discovering this has been so eye opening and I and I can see now how he has broken my spirit over the years and that I have to get out to save my own sanity.
Extremely common dynamic. My friend's sister got out of a narcissistic marriage and has so much PTSD and health issues from it, she doesn't even leave the house anymore. She is in a prison (another prison, ironically, as her marriage was like that), which is so sad.
Overall I feel like a few of these things describe how I operated as a teenager, but I also like to think I’ve grown out of (at least some of) them. I remember as a young aspiring guitarist, I ran into a guy who had only been playing for a few months. He had this really cool electric guitar loop setup where he would play multiple parts and just shred over it. The guy was amazing! I vividly recall how reluctant I was to even acknowledge his (totally obvious) talent. Even more, how miserable I felt that this guy was so great. I sometimes wish I could have enjoyed his skill and just celebrated it with him, and I hope I am better at this kind of appreciation now.
So I’d like to think we can grow out of some of these maladaptive ways of thinking.
Children of narcissists seem to have similar patterns but I think we have opposite underlying thoughts. Zero self esteem results in hiding ones errors and human weaknesses. Crippling.
Ok. When you’re a teen and it’s cool to not like things that’s sort of different. Not nice definitely. But like you said you grew out of it and that’s what matters. If it makes you feel better I think all teens do this to some
Extent. “Oh her art work isn’t that great...” (says the teen about the great artwork). Meanwhile the teen is struggling with a constantly changing mind and body and social pressure. It’s constant life long behavior that would be a warning sign.
Most teens are narcissistic. It’s the hallmark of immaturity.
Yes, I do think a person can outgrow toxic ways of thinking and acting. It does help though that you realize your behavior is toxic/harmful not just to others but also to yourself and you recognize a need to change/growup and accept responsibility for your own actions and to stop blaming others for the direction your life has taken. Unfortunately, a narcissist is usually incapable of recognizing that they are the one with the problem, and will continue to blame others for everything that's wrong in their life. Sorry for going on so long.
I would like to apologize for insinuating that you blame others for the way your life is when you were expressing an inability to appreciate someone else's talent when you were younger.
My dad liked to wrap the insults in humor: “You’re more trouble than you’re worth. And you’re not much trouble.”
Courtney Cox That’s funny!
@@TheSteinbitt
Narcissists' humour is mocking.
It's a perversion of "fun/funny".
That's terrible, Courtney. That had to be painful. 😔
Courtney Cox seems like your dad was a Toxic narcissist, who was unhappy and didn’t want others to be happy, and got off with those oxymoron statements.
good news for people who like bad news.
Absolutely not lol
Did you ever use that stuff back on him? That usually drives them crazy, they do not like being on the other end?
@@TheSteinbitt Asshole.
Very comprehensive & informative, as always.
I think that the apparent fact that Narcs fail to realize that giving credit to others where due actually looks good on the credit-giver provides evidence that Narcissism is rooted in immaturity. They never reach that level where comes that "Ahah!" moment at which what was once seen as a sign of weakness becomes recognized as evidence of strength of character and emotional security.
Thanks again, Doctor Grande!
This is very important information for everyone to have. Whether it’s with a partner, family member or at work, everyone will encounter the narcissist at some time and it’s good to be prepared. Thank you so much Dr Grande!!
Between Dr. Grande and Dr. Les Carter, I am grateful to learn so much about narcissism and appreciate it so much.
Narcs can pretend to be nice but it useally doesent last long untill they are back to being insulting.
Yup, they know that being charming works (in most cases but oh lord if it doesn't work once with a person they have a personal agenda against that person) and that they don't need to be charming the whole time only if they really "need" something.
Superficial charms. Positivity isn't their forte
@@NetiNeti-gm5bz They are good at mimicing human behviour but they are devoid of humanity.
Their "temporary niceness "" is fakery!
Yep
A former co-worker of mine was like this from day one of her hiring. It went on for several years and the rest of us either quit or just tolerated her. She was eventually promoted to manager and her narcissist behavior doubled. That was it for me...
Some people see a narcissist.
And other people see the most hard-working greatest person ever to walk the earth.
@@briankelley7918 LOL
@@briankelley7918 so true!
Nailed it all ! They also love the term “soul mate” … every romance is with a “soul mate”, magical thinking
I could write a book on dealing with a narcissist, smh. In 17 years he never once apologized for his temper, words, lies or actions. Everything was always someone else's fault and he was always just a big 'ol' victim. As a people-pleaser myself, his manipulation worked and was completely toxic to my mental health. 2 years of therapy and I started calling him out on his actions. He left and was quickly on to his next...lady? I am still dealing with legal matters with him but I am so much stronger and happier now, in part due to channels like this. Stay strong everyone! 🙏✌💪
Sounds like my dad.
'I'm sorry if you feel that way because when you REALLY think about it.... Try to see things from MY point of view, not just your own... I'm really the victim here'... They minimise their responsibility and play the victim even when they are at fault...
Have you ever read mommy dearest? Hugely recommend
Well done. But dont complain about him. You stayed with him for 17 years... facilitating a narcissist. Being a ''people-pleaser'' you too were toxic to HIS mental health. I say this as one who also damaged my partners... by not challenging them (ie, leaving them).. or encouraging them to leave me. It takes two.
@@declankelly9829 I think he probably used manipulative tactics to keep her in the relationship. It was probably a combination of loving and toxic behaviour some of which would have been a result of her challenging him. The fact he kept this up for 17 years does not exonerate him, in fact he seems comfortable enough to live a normal life despite his confusing and intimidating ways of treating her.
Thank you for those examples. Reading the definition of a narcissist is not very helpful without explaining this type of person in various situations. Your examples bring the thinking of this disorder alive.
I've heard almost ALL of the statements from the NPD personas formerly in my life. Very accurate, observant & clever.
"I don't lie at all,"= ego systonic, lack of insight.
Much gratitude from Michigan.
Hello Michigander friend! We must run in the same circle of friends! 😄
@@elisamastromarino7123 Hello, I watch dr. Carter and Doctor Grande primarily.
@@elisamastromarino7123 you've both must've met my mum: "I don't lie at all"
"I never lie, oh, and by the way, there is no such thing as lying by omission, so I'm good, I mean great!"
@@debsabatino311 actually, according to JANINE DRIVER, the human lie detector: there IS such a thing as lying by omission. Sorry to pop your ego systonic bubble!
I deal with narcissistic behavior every day. My father (83) is “grandiose” & my brother “”(58) “vulnerable”. I started watching your videos examining mental health behaviors in famous murder cases for your “take” on behavioral patterns. But I’ve started watching all your videos bcuz the topics are interesting in a non condescending way. In listening to your Q & A’s have given me an opportunity to look at my behaviors & actions from the outside. Without sounding “narcissistic” (lol-ing at THAT) I THINK I’ve done an EXCELLENT job in observing & modifying MY behavior. Loved 8, 9 & 10 but might I add, relationships ARE great IF you’re willing to exchange one prison for another. Having observed “crazy” for 32 years, I’m OK BEING ALONE!!!
A narcissist talking about their spouse who's home recovering from grueling cancer treatments as to why they're not home taking care of them. "Oh, they're strong, they'll be fine".
My mother said that while my Dad was in the hospital recovering from heart attack. She didn’t want anyone to go see him and was absolutely livid at all the attention he was getting. She was a horrible person.
Ruth Jones yep. My dad had cancer and was home recovering and she was angry that he was napping all day and wanted him to go get her a coffee
I took care of my narcissist husband through his lymphoma 4 best I could. Now he has Parkinson's. Karma is real but I wish I had been strong enough to pack my bags the day he was diagnosed, just as other women do.
@@ruthjones2507 sounds like she really sucked
How about when they treat their partner like dirt and then say "Well, I just woke up and I am not a morning person." Or "I have been working all day and I am tired." They always have an excuse for their abusive behavior. The other thing is if you stand up for yourself and they call you a maniac. And they completely deny the abusive behavior and they seem to relish abusing you verbally in front of others, especially your friends or family. To the point that none of those people want to even visit anymore.
Absolutely!! I got out / away from my Ex,. After living with his behaviors and excuses for 7 years.
And then they want to have sex with you...... so so sick
You've just described my father.
Or when they say, you made me angry, it's your fault I was upset when they flew off the handle over nothing.
Two more favorites: I'm sorry "if" or I'm sorry "but"........Either you're sorry or you're not. If & But have no place in an apology for any reason.
How about: "I'm sorry you were offended at something I said. I didn't intend any offense, but I can certainly see I should have chosen my words more carefully. My apologies."
I’ve got a first cousin who after razing three children, left her husband of 30+ years. Her social media was a daily “selfie” post. To her credit she like many gained a few pounds during childbirth but is now skinnier then at any point in her life. A fact those daily posts drove home. Her second relationship ending when he became skinnier then she was. Number three is average build, and we are waiting for her to be unhappy with that. A side note number one is still single and not dating anyone. He is a great guy who put up with her narcissistic ass for too long....
You know I am guilty of this. I said I am sorry for any offence but how else could I see it? Keep in mind though this was after I was told he did not give a fuck, then later told I was delusional. Then at a point being called a pyschopath. And all the times he said I am sorry for my bad behaviour but it's because of x. Or I am sorry but. I finally realized I was prey and I called it. Of course I got a wow
"Im sorry you feel that way"
Real genuine compassion, connection, trust, understanding and empathy cannot be faked for long. That's why I learned to take my time getting to know people. Selfish, narcissist are not people you want in your life. Also check yourself to make sure you aren't just using people. That you really want to be giving in the relationship as well.
My ex: “all my exes are crazy.” Should have been the biggest indicator to me right off the bat that something wasn’t right, because who was the common denominator in all those relationships? 🤔 also telling me I was “pushing him to unbelievable limits” when I dared to challenge his abusive behavior or stand up for myself. Yikes.
Yikes! Is an understatement, sounds like. I'm glad you got out of that very toxic enviorment! And with more knowledge, to look for earlier signs. You are very brave. I would go so far as to warn any new partners of his anything you think they must know about him.
Blind dating can be scary. No wonder why when family introduces single people to family to possibly date, there are less problems with crazy people. Maybe. Is that right?
@@joecook5689 Ye as much as arranged marriage sucks. Arranged GF/BFs would be the shit.
Its just the expectation of marriage and kids that make things hard.
So...did he drive them to crazy or did he just attract several in a row? No good answer there.
I think you're missing a huge marketing opportunity here, doc. Stand-up. "Because of the narcissist's behavior, their integrity is often called into question...." The deadpan understatement cracks me up every time -- I am not alone! 😅
What is the norm and what is true?
I sometimes try to copy this skill that comes naturally to him. For example, I sometimes see a person who insults me, and I really need to say someyhing better than "Bullshit." I'm practicing to say with complete authoritive equanimity: "That is both inaccurate - and rude." Of course, if you are ready for it, it doesn't happen. Oh well. Its a better place to come from
@@sage9836 😉 Hoping the right moment will present itself....
@@tuck-brainwks-eutent-hidva1098 How have you been dearest 🌹🌷🌺?
Looks like 160 Narcissists watched this video. You are spot on, I worked with/for one for ten years.
Dr Grande just to make you laugh today, my husband calls you my “new boyfriend”. He says I divorced my old boyfriend Dr Phil. LOL. I bring my phone to the dinner table with your commentary cued up and proceed to share with him. Funny, I’m sharing with myself cause he just eats and smirks at me! LOL!
So one day I was sitting in bed watching tv and he comes in and starts looking under the bed for something. I ask him what he’s looking for. He says “Dr Grande. I know he’s hiding in here somewhere” LOL!!!!!
Gotta give him credit for that, it was a good one!
E Rust That’s so funny 😂
Yes. It is wonderful.It makes me smile. This is a nice one with morning green tea.
@E Rust that was cute. Gave me a big chuckle. lol 😂
Yes my husband cracked me up but good! Now you know he walked around all proud of himself for a couple of days after! What can I say , I just love a smart aleck.
The Real Deal 😁
OMGosh your so spot on… they are such corrupt individuals 🤯 it’s so sad to think they fool nice people.
Regarding the romantic narcissist I’ve heard 2 saying how lovers fall deeply madly in love with them.
They go on about how special they must be.
Having been verbally terrorized by a ( what I believe is a narcissistic) sister in law, my moment of clarity was when she took a family trauma that I and my children were going through and asked why I had never bothered to consider how it made HER feel. My brain pretty much exploded 🤯. I had to block her phone and email to get her to leave me alone.
Can these people be healed….cured?????
God please say yes…. This all describes my son in law to a tee!!!!
@@Moresurenow Very unlikely as it is inherent that they don't think anything is wrong with them so why would they bother going to treatment. It is much to engrained in them. It is a personality disorder, not a chemical imbalance and they are the hardest to treat as they are not chemical in nature but learned behaviors. Sorry, but he will not likely ever change.
@@Moresurenow Therapy is supposed to be damaging as it teaches them how to manipulate people and how they should say in certain situations (which makes them harder to spot). I hope we can all change if we want to but not sure how a narrcassist would be self aware enough to see that they are the one with the issues.
My sister in law told people that I killed my dad. And set my sister up to find him that is just a tip of the iceberg, my dad has been gone 9 years now him and I had such a special bond never knew she was a narcissist he's at the point now where she might be a sociopath so I hear what they're saying
Fabulous video.... I am in a point in my life that I can actually laugh at my narcissistic family member..
I spent years and years crying wondering what I did wrong and how I could make it better..
And now I realize that I'm okay... it was never me..
Thank you dr. Grande
This video was very fulfilling to me
Kinda wish I could laugh at my narc mother... But she's dead
@@popeyethepirate5473 :( I'm sorry to hear of your mother's passing. Regardless of your relationship with her.....I can still see how that might be very tough ... I do hope that youre not suffering much, not alone and are able to heal from all your wounds someday.
@@kellypawspa working on it, thank you
My favorite is when they are always more sick or more tired then you. If I have a cold my narc is all over me to baby him because he is sick too or more sick then me😑😒. So infuriating. Life is not all a competition.
"When the narcissist apologizes..."
Oh, Dr. Grande, you have such an imagination. I literally laughed out loud at this one.
"I'm sorry you feel this way" is accurate.
It would be helpful if you contrasted the narcissistic statements with “normal” or non-narcissistic statements.
Exactly. Often times, the real narcissist (sender) is crafty enough to structure questions, statements or re-create a memory to their benefit, which can put the other person (receiver) at a disadvantage and therefore in a defensive position. How so? The response (from the receiver) will require the original statement (from the real narcissist sender) to be corrected, which then, in turn, can be misconstrued as narcissism. When all the receiver is doing is simply correcting for the sake of accuracy. The narcissist will then pounce on that opportunity for conflict, thereby accusing the receiver of being a narcissist when it's actually the sender. Btw, this is not opinion. Lol.
@@nicetna2010 gaslighting?
He's only human and he can only do so much
@@nicetna2010 I guess I'm 'lucky' mine don't know what it's called & I know better than to fill in the blanks for them.
Normal/mentally healthy person has 1. genuine respect for the person’s talent, work and skill, realize that their investment is worthwhile 2 Communication something positive- not looking to deliver an insult all the time, genuine respect, finding people’s strengths is my strength, 3.genuinely looking out for someone’s good, true humility, accurate evaluation 4. I am not above criticism and welcome constructive criticism from others, I make mistakes and hurt others and need to apologize 5. I can learn from anyone and can improve from anyone’s suggestions 6. I am capable of mistakes and hurting others and I am big enough to apologize, Don’t hold grudges 7. Others are not jealous of me, people are precious not objects for my use 8. I am not perfect and often need to apologize 9. Genuine love and concern for others, my time is not my own 10. Every life is precious and my life is not more important than others’ lives, I am not all that (Ie I am not Jesus) Summary: I am sinful person, who makes mistakes and need to apologize to others. I am not pure and perfect, but just a human, who needs forgiveness for the ways I hurt others.
Number 9 resonated with me as a young girl I remember when a neighbours baby died my narc Mother said It's for the best' to her I was floored and even as a young girl I knew this was really wrong.
So true! It's comical and scary at the same time how you nailed the examples! When they say all the exes are or have a problem, the narcissist is the problem! 🤣
D Vegas,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!
One of the main statements that helped me cement and cast further doubt about my mother’s narcisissm was when I went to the mental hospital because I was severely depressed and was called by my school to be taken by ambulance because I planned to harm myself. When she came to retrieve me she said “how can you do this to me!” Afterwards, she tried to erase and take away my poetry in my room without reading it which was something I used to cope.
I am still in shock from this.
It sounds like your the narcissist to me . I just left a real one 18 years . Why are you trying to kill yourself ? Obviously wasn't real .
I'm saying this because my ex also used writing because her head was so messed up and you could see it . What ( normal) person thinks the world needs to understand them and need to read Thier diaries. The diary is an extension of further manipulation. I'm 44 yrs old . I hope you don't destroy your relationship with your mum .
Having watched this , I realise that I'M a narcissist . Still who could blame me? I'm absolutely brilliant.
😂😂😂
Thank you Chas 😀
You're awesome - it's everyone else that has a problem.
Yeah? Once you got over the whole bed wetting thing.
Hilarious
I was in a long term relationship with a narcissist and all of this resonates so strongly. We were married and when I was pregnant I was terrified to be intimate due to some pregnancy loss in the past. Because of this he became increasingly more nasty and just down right bratty. Nothing else intimate would be good enough for him, it had to be the one act I was anxious about. So them after months of telling me (his pregnant wife) I had no idea how bad it was for him, that now he understands why men rape, and trying to bully me in to an open relationship, he left soon after our baby was born and told me how everyone agreed he was doing the right thing.
He decided he needed to leave because the birth ended up being an emergency C section, so I needed more recovery time and he was also upset that he wouldn't get the opportunity to experience being intimate after a vaginal birth. There are so many other stories, but this one really stuck out because of how he would say that everyone was on his side.
All of his imaginary friends were on his side.
He was an asshole. Sorry for your pain!🥵😘
That is beyond disgusting and awful on his part. Absolutely completely self-absorbed. Not to diminish your story, but a friend of mine is married to a narc. She had six miscarriages, and he never once visited her in the hospital.
My mother was one of those mothers who was so jealous when I was nice to my friends and spend time with them, she never wanted me to have any kinda friends except herself!! Interesting 🧐
mine was too, i was just thinking about this today.
My sister is like that with my niece. She has no friends it’s really sad. My sister would completely deny this if you brought it up.
thats how my grandma is with my mom and thats how she was with me when i got a boyfriend. miserable beings
My mom hated when I wanted to spend the night with friends. Always a no.
@Thomas Anderson when you use the very first comment as context it makes sense. But I'll explain further. The first comment talks about how her mom hated when she spent time with her friends and got jealous. To relate to her (the original comment) i said "My mom never let me spend the night" to show how our rough times were indeed similar. I hope this helped with your confusion.
Please don’t stop. I enjoy all your commentary and your awareness that your comments are your view. I am grateful for the thoughts you give me beyond your commentary. You’re helpful mate. Thank you. Stay great King!
Dear God, do you know my ex???? EVERYTHING you said could describe him perfectly. I didn't realize he was a narcissist, I just knew he was so hard to live with, so I got away. BEST thing that I ever did.
Narcissistic people know how to charm someone like crazy in order to "win" their favor. Once the person who was being pursued is "won over" and completely comfortable around them... They flip the switch. For me, all was good til I moved in with my Ex, 2 years into the relationship. One would think that after dating for 2 years that yo know them well enough to judge them. Ha. In my case I didn't know know him at all til I was so caught up in his life, and his friends that I had stopped hanging out with co workers etc in order to go home to spend time with him. Bam. Done. Alone. Only him to count on to always be there.
good that is your EX. hope you are well.
The closest narc apology i got was "we were wrong." They were "apologizing" for stonewalling me after I tried to talk about something important. I then basically said that if they were just going to shut me down for trying to talk about something important to me then I could find supportive people to talk to. They took it as an ultimatum as if "hey, treat me with respect or I'll find better friends" is such an ultimatum lol. And the fact that they tried to make me think I should apologize too...?
The narc can never stand losing, so they flip over the game board before admitting defeat.
Dr Grande, fascinating discussion of Narcissism! Frightening, too, that it describes certain family members as well as people in the workplace! Well done!
“What will everyone do without me” 😂
Let me help you. 😅🤣😂😂😂🤣🤣😂🤣
I know the comments a joke but I hope there's not a narcissist watching this channel and doing their homework.
Eh, that's a very accurate comment. 😊
My Umbrella Cockatoo is probably a Narcissist
HIGHLIGHT this comment
When you come here to find out you're actually the narcissist
If you think you're a narcissist you should probably contact a psychologist so you can get properly diagnosed. I also think I'm one but I'm working on a way to tell my therapist.
@@3434-c1t You could be a Narcissist by proxy. Real Narcs would never admit they are Narcs. Their children (usually but not always) adopt their parents narc behavior as a coping mechanism.
@@minuit6305 Maybe it's that, I want to tell my therapist but it's though. I already told her I think I lack empathy, so I think I'm safe.
@@3434-c1t your therapist probably already knows and is waiting for the right moment to tell you.
@@danae1326 I hope so. I've heard there's treatment so I hope we can get there soon.
It took me long to realize that my dad is a narcissist. Everything that he has done over the years all makes sense now.
I'm sorry. For years I felt sorry for my mom, but she's the toxic vulnerable narcissist and my dad's the totally oblivious psychopath antisocial (he even has no friends). It's a drag when your family is messed up, with that comes a lot of pain. Are you close with him?
@@G123. omg I thought I replied to your question. I used to be close to him back in my early childhood, but now I cut him off of my life. I hope you are not in touch with your parents... I'm so sorry that you also had to experience this :(
@@reyna6069 The saddest part is that I've actually tried to keep one with them, however minimally, but they will not entertain one really (they all had Christmas without me) including not caring about my little children because I simply want them to acknowledge that what we grew up in has had a lasting consequence on us all. But they whine for mercy and attention when they, especially my mother, go on and on about how hard THEY had it growing up, which is true, their parents were also textbook Cluster B abusers. But they WILL NOT hear their own role now. It's been so hard because I have no other close supports. I believe that people who have pathology who came from these environments only demonstrate observable symptoms due to their circumstances as not having adequate supports. The more affluent people are and the more social supports they generally tend to gain due to that, the better off they are. My mother prides herself, for lack of a better word, over some bullshit loyalty for not calling the police when my father would rage including once pulling a shotgun on my brother, but they called the police on me most recently because I was trying to get them to entertain the abuses they did are patterns of greater pathology (my father meets all the criteria for conduct disorder and being an antisocial). They WILL NOT hear of it. They'll threaten to arrest me for "harassment" first, and this was after my father threw a can of food at me treating me with the same assumed tolerance of physical abuse at 40 as he did when I was a kid, and wash their hands of any relationship before they will admit the toll it has taken on me. I attempted suicide at 23 and my mother sat in on the only real solo "therapy session" I had while in the hospital I know now to guard what I disclosed. You have to be in a special place of deep selfishness that you'll risk daughter staying that depressed before you take the leap to acknowledge any family skeletons. They're the only family I know. It is unbelievably lonely and hard. I once tried to just disown my father a number of years back, and even my mother is usually the first to complain about how horrible he is when it's suiting her, but she made it clear that if I disowned, I'd lose her too. She always did put her crotch before her kids. They are the textbook narcissistic/antisocial couple. My siblings like to triangulate and attack me whether overtly or covertly when it suits them too, but they're all messed up. They don't like it because I call out their hypocrisy and abuse. My mother makes me sick. She is a disgusting human being, and the stuff I've heard her say about strangers children repulses me, not only what she's capable of doing to us all throughout our childhood including when we were little. What somebody has the capacity to do to their kids is them at their best. That is the BEST of their character, so if they treat their kids like crap, it speaks volumes that they cannot love ANYBODY.
@@G123. this honestly breaks my hard. Thanfully, my parents are divorced, so I didn't have to experience my dad's evil mind on a daily basis. However, my mom was not the best either. I'm not sure if she fits the narcisst criteria 100%, since she can be loving, caring etc, but at the same time she would often verbally abuse me, if I didn't meet her expectations or 100% agreed with her. Your story reminds me a bit of mine, in a way. I tried commiting suicide 2 years ago and was diagnosed with BPD after. My mom didn't believe my therapists or doctors and said she wouldn't pay for my therapy sessions anymore, since I'm such a bratty teenager (I'm 21 now) and all the professionals are lying. As a punishment she sent me to my father. At the time I didn't know he was a narcisst, well I didn't realize, because in all these previous years I just ignored all the signals, so I thought finally I'll be reuinted with a parent who truly understands me. In conclusion, I got threatened, had to experience physical and mental abuse, got my pet killed and lost a few belongings. Reasoning with these people is pointless and the only way to appeal to them is by tricking them in a way, but I think it is better to stay away from them as far as possible. . I must say that one good thing I can say about my family is that they have shown me what type of parent I do not want to become. Also, spotting narcissts is easy for me, while for my friends not really.Every child deserves a parent, but not every parent deserves a child.
@@reyna6069 I'm 40 now & spent the first 20 years of my life at least feeling so sorry for my mother. That whining victimhood was her greatest mode of abuse, that and her using me as her therapist growing up because she WAS/IS unstable but doesn't recognize she has never had any sincere peers. Her mental abuse, in the longer-term was worse than experiencing any object my dad smashed. Her social hang ups made me reject people as friends on a snobbery basis, yet I had few others. They are both horrible people, just different. Neither will accept their role in my childhood depression and subsequent suicide attempt at 23. Like I said, they'll wash their hands of you before they'll take on the vulnerability to admit publicly they sucked as parents and it's affected me even now. They're hypocrites and triangulate their own siblings and mine. It's no loss to them not to see me nor my little kids because they do not form attachment love. They form social contracts with conditions, and those conditions are you never question or hold them accountable. Ever.
At 50 years old, through trying to educate myself about why I feel the way I do, I’ve learned that I was raised by two supremely narcissistic parents. I cut them out of my life about ten years ago when I realized that my mother was trying to turn my young daughters and my wife against me when she was realizing that I was on to her. Cutting them out of our lives was the best earthly decision I’ve ever made.
I really appreciate all the topics on narcissists. Never knew what the diagnosis was for this person I live with. I'm so frustrated! Dozens of phone calls to professionals got me nowhere . So now I get it! Thank you!!