Here are Signs No One Listened To You in Childhood
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- Опубликовано: 25 авг 2024
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Children normally learn to handle themselves in the world from their parents. If you were ignored, you had to figure things out by yourself using a child's logic. In adulthood, you may find yourself going into a stress response when you try to communicate, especially when expressing emotions, or setting boundaries. This cold be a sign you weren't listened to. as a child. In this video I lay out several signs that are common in adults with CPTSD, and specifically, who weren't listened to when they were small.
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Did anyone else hear grow up in a household where the saying "children should be seen and not heard" was a common mantra?
I fawn because I'm genuinely happy to have a friend some people have nobpdy
Thanks!
@@nannyoverzet1954Some of us exist in the real world, not your fairy tale one.
Not listened to as an adult either.
Edit: the number of likes shows that we all feel similarly. Hopefully it brings comfort to know you are not alone.
I wonder how I am contributing to this continuing to happen.
@@danielraypickrel4316 very valid thought. I wonder the same.
Yes absolutely ❤
yup :(
Same. Sigh 😕
I learned to be quiet and alone.
It's not changed.
Are you ok randy?
@@danirocket21611 yeah. It doesn't matter.
@@randyping6036 yes it does matter. 😊 you matter. What are your hobbies?
me.too
@@randyping6036 my answer exactly
"from the moment I could talk, I was ordered to listen" - Cat Stevens
Ikr?
Same here.
A favorite lyric from my youth on. Thanks.
"You have two ears and one mouth" was something I was always told by my dad. that man likes to talk, he should take his own advice sometimes!
Love that record!! ❤
I felt invisible as a child. I realized pretty early that most people are just waiting for their turn to talk, some will just talk over you like you don't exist, a rare few actually listen and hear.
I still get talked over by certain family members and in professional situations. Nothing infuriates me more and it makes me see the people who do it as vacuous, immature attention seekers
I still feel invisible.
As a child, part of growing up, is learning how to navigate all that, in amongst other people, WITH YOUR OWN AGENCY, AT ANY AGE. You always had it. Just perform well.
Corollary: Be the change you want to see, every minute of your life.
Once people quietly admire you for your achievements, comments like "Be quiet..." do fall away.
PSSST: This is how everybody else does it!
Totally. I get triggered by my husband because he has no interest in anything I have to say. He’s just impatiently waiting for his turn. And when I pause to let him start talking what he says is not related to what I was saying at all. Sometimes he says I talk too much. Sometimes he asks “Are you done yet?” Or is it my turn yet?” I tend to talk fast because I know he’s not interested or that he’s going to walk away while I’m in mid-sentence. I over explain when I get no feed back or acknowledgement when speaking. I don’t know how to change. Growing up my feelings weren’t important to anyone.
@@barbaradurel9846 - I had a husband (almost) like that. He's somebody else's problem now 😁.
2 things.
1, Learn not to overexplain, just drop the conclusion on him and walk away. He'll have to ask you qns.
2, Go away for weeks to look after a sick relative or friend. After 1week he'll be calling you home coz he won't find anything in the house to keep the family going. Do this as often as you need to get away from him.
🍀🍀🍀😇
One of the most difficult things about other people not listening or silencing us is that it can cause us to learn not to listen to ourselves.
well said
FELT.
Yes 😢
Well said! I used to abandon myself right after leaving a shitty relationship. It's like I was saying to the world: Don't worry, now that I'm away from my nasty sister, I will self- criticize to make sure EVERYONE knows I'm not good enough to FEEL WORTHY! I will punish myself! I exaggerated that to illustrate how the mind-fuck wants to get going even unprovoked! Self talk is very important!
Spot on!!
Does anyone else feel they just don't matter?🤔
You're not alone and we're sending you our support!
Nika@TeamFairy
Yes
Yes to various degrees with different people, then i realized i was seeking validation due to my insecurities as a child that wasnt validated.
@@nannyoverzet1954 ya metieron a "Christ" en el asunto🙄 y encima, queriendo invalidar el sentimiento, como si fuera el resultado de una falta en aquel que lo siente, como si no se sintiera bien porque aún no ha "learnt how to forgive" 🙄oh, c'mon.
That is a tipical from a person who want to be acknowledged as good decent Christian. The trouble is the subject passed by them as their object is themselves and not the plea for help
In my days growing up speaking your opinion was equivalent to "talking back". When you become an adult you have every right to speak your opinion.
Absolutely... In my family not agreeing with Catholicism was not allowed. Wanting to do activities that other children did were so often 'not for us'. Even girl guides wasn't allowed because meetings were held in a protestant hall! 😳
THIS! Forced to agree, or you are ARGUING, and *that* is the cardinal sin.When i gathered the confidence to finally object politely to a targeted slight, my parent would shut it all down and declare she is "not going there." She is dumbfounded about how our relationship changed. Wow. I have an opinion now. 😮
Yes! Every time I would try to talk about anything that bothered me, I was made to feel I was the problem. I was the nicest most thoughtful of my siblings, but was always treated the worst. They could say whatever they wanted, or act rude to me, and my parents always defended their behavior. If they said something rude, my mom would say they didn’t mean it the way I took it, when Yes, they did. We’re all adults now, and it’s still that way. I still love my parents and siblings, but, I just don’t understand their behavior.
Back in the day when I was growing up, if you voiced your opinion on something, more often than not, you either got yelled at, or you were hit
@@noname-jh3bd Right. And that is exactly what my mother used as an excuse to get me to shut up. She'd say SHE would get hit if she "argued" w her dad. So.... that was my cue. I was not allowed an opinion.
Kids pick up that their parents are already burdened, and they don't want to add to their burdens, so they get used to pretending that everything is fine. And even come to believe that being unhappy is just their 'nature.'
My mother recently told me I started to smile for once
this hits 😢
Very true and an awesome addition
I picked up that I was the burden. I felt guilty for even being alive. Why didn't he acknowledge my existence???
I never knew why, but my dad occasionally threatened to put my sister and I into foster care if we “became too much trouble.” I grew up terrified to do anything that upset him…and wondered before he died if he ever said something that made me not want to spend time with him.
I was raised to be seen and not heard. All I ever heard was “No”. I was told “No don’t say that” or “No don’t do that.” And my favorite… “No, you don’t want that.” Everybody was impressed because my parents raised such a good child, but they didn’t raise a good adult. Still figuring things out on my own now.
You wrote something, just want to say I hear you.
Wow, you actually mentioned one very interesting point here.
When parent focus on raising well behaved child, but miss the preparation for adult life.
Wow! j.r. , I sure can relate to your comment! I was never heard as a child either! For that matter, I was barely even seen, having been raised
by narcississtic parents! I've been listening to these helpful videos by Anna Runkle and hope that you will be just as inspired by them as I have!! Pls know that you are not alone. Doing positive affirmations and creating a more positive mindset has helped me find some self-esteem and self-confidence. Know that you are a valuable and unique person in this world and that you have every right to be HEARD: Your
opinions and feelings matter.
I wish you, j.r., all the best in your spiritual journey. ♥ 🙂
Yep this. "The good quite kids" actually just traumatised
I'm so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
When people listen to me, I am surprised, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I suppose it's because I don't feel entitled to be listened to.
YES. yes, exactly. Sometimes I even get mad... Like I get agitated when people genuinely want to know how I feel. It throws me for a loop, and does surprise me. And in that moment of being surprised, my "feeling of undeserving" agitates me. And then I put up another wall.
EXACTLY!!!
Me too
Same
Same
'Group dynamics are overwhelming to you' - that's me.
Yeah, I get that too. In group conversations there rarely seems like there is any “space” to participate. Because you feel like you’re on the outside watching everyone else talk. And they don’t bother to ask you any questions or try to include you.
literally, in every school group project i was either doing everything or doing nothing
I was an intelligent child, but constantly ignored, and being the youngest had no social interaction from the other members of the family , and now I keep people at arms length
Same.
Being the youngest, the perception my siblings had was that I was the baby and got all of the attention. Yeah, when I was a baby. And for some reason, seeing me being cared for as a baby, they believed I was always being cared for by my parents as a kid and teen, even though they saw I wasn't.
They tried saying I was spoiled when I was given hand-me-downs my entire life, never had any privacy, and I wasn't allowed to go to my friends house (but they could come over) or have any freedom in general.
@@aprild4906 very sad….hope you’re ok now…
@@occallie very sad, hope you’re ok now…
Speaking as the scapegoated black sheep who's constantly ignored, mocked, bellitled and treated worse like a trash/subhuman... I learned the hard way to keep people at arms lenght including my own family (which destroyed me and me life).
Ignored=low self esteem...=anxiety, anxiety has ruined my entire life!
I'm about to turn 60, and I might be able to get creative soon! 😍❤️
II am 70, and I was in my 60s before I got my trauma really mostly behind me, so it can happen. The thing that helped me the most with the anxiety was EFT (tapping). I hope you find what works for you!
Sandra, your life is not over, and discovering creativity later in life, after 'No', is a beautiful adventure & extremely therapeutic. Confronting but so exhilarating!
Misdiagnosed as only depression when anxiety was the trigger. Shy child. 56 and I’ve gone no contact with 2 sisters and asked for low contact with my adult children until we can get professional help with our communication. I only recently understood this videos topic was the main issue in my life.
Do not give that one more minute of your life. Nobody taught them how to parent. That has helped me so much. My parents were horrible listeners…my dad ignored and interrupted constantly to change the topic if it was hard or uncomfortable for him. My mom might have heard but then either did not validate it, ridiculed me instead, or slapped me.
I'm almost 50 and the anxiety is off the charts I'm having it way more I get chest pain from it
Home @ Dinner: Be quiet at the table and eat
School: Be quiet
Work: Be quiet and get on with your work
So real. The place I work wanted everyone to return to the office for the "office culture and bonding" i go in and chat to a colleague and my boss tells me not to talk because it's a software company and it has to be quiet. I stayed home after that, f- their "company culture"
Agree😔
And then the “why are you always so serious? You should talk more, or at least smile more, you look better when smiling”
Father beats you up if you disagree with him.
School punishes you if you disagree with any teacher or staff
Then they all wonder why you're a timid sycophant as an adult.
Your father blames you for not standing up for yourself.
@@mandragonna My grand father asked me one day, "why are you always so serious?" I replied, "It's a serious world." At the time I didn't understand why he laughed.
I often think about how differently my life would have turned out if my parents or teachers would have just listened to me and told me that I was capable and smart and could achieve great things. Being ignored makes you think you and your ideas do not matter. Having no confidence can literally stunt every aspect of your life and make you settle for things that you think you deserve, because you don't deserve much.
I hear you but never forget: healing is possible!
Nika@TeamFairy
YES!!!
❤
Its awful when people say it just to say it
I got so used to being ignored that I just don't even talk to anyone anymore. Now I'm alone. Good times
Same. But I have a manipulative bf and we have two kids together.
Same.
@@AlexandraVioletta- why would you have kids with someone who won't marry you AND is manipulative?
Same!
Is it good? You must be a gen z lol.
Who remembers hearing the saying "children should be seen and not heard?" It has been engrained into our culture.
I just posted that.
Ya, discusting
With car-centric design and the elimination of public spaces, they aren't even seen.
Unlike now where all you hear is out of control screaming kids.
My dad's favourite was little girls should be seen and not heard.
2:12 "It's hard to have confidence in yourself when the way you relate to people had to be invented by a little kid."
Yea, I had to pause at that point and let it sink in. Its crazy. And he we are years and years later in our supposedly adult-brains trying to figure out and listening to others.
Yes and that child at the same time being a product of social engineering,
@@nannyoverzet1954how will a fictional character from a story book help? Sling that shit elsewhere kid
@@nannyoverzet1954No, we don't need Christ. Your religion isn't real and isn't merciful.
@@nannyoverzet1954 Nah. No one ignores you more.
Another possible layer of that kind of neglect is the rare times you were listened to, it would be used against you later one way or another.
Took me years to ask anything to anyone (I struggle still) because 1. I was convinced no one listened/cared and 2. Whatever it was that I said or asked for it will be used to bring me down or guilt trip me.
Sometimes *decades* later. I was in my late forties, talking with my mom once and she brought up something I said that she was still salty about. I was like, "mom I was fourteen, everyone's a jerk at that age."
Yup. My parents are very smart people. Highly educated with intellectually intense jobs. And they decided to use that intelligence to repeatedly dunk on their children instead of trying to understand us. They should've gotten a tank of geckos instead.
Oh my god yesss... my dad only listened if it could be used as blackmail later, either to embarrass me in front of my friends or to mock me later
Oh that struck a nerve. Well said.
On God. This.
My entire childhood.
I've wondered so long why I'm so awkward at being an adult.
I used to feel a need to fill the silences but when I was a hospice nurse I became ok with silences and listening. Silences are powerful. Some people need someone to listen before they die. I found I could do that for people.
You're impressive and strong for helping those in need and listening to them. ♥
That’s wonderful. That’s an amazing gift you’re giving people
Maybe this is why so many of us are terrified of public speaking?
Because we were taught that expressing ourselves meant abandonment.🤔
I learned to love public speaking, taught by excellent school teachers. Struggle more with one on one. Public speaking can be scripted and prepared.
I'd rather skydive than do public speaking. Alot more calming.
@@nannyoverzet1954 Then what are you doing listening to this video? 🤣🤣🤣
@@nannyoverzet1954This is bad advice. Forgiveness is good, but it doesn’t fix what’s broken.
@@nannyoverzet1954 L take
So that's why I get intense when I speak. This really resonated with me. And yeah, lots of anger buried underneath, and an ocean's worth of sorrow, too.
Well said, this is absolutely true of me too
Me too. It's taken me a lifetime to work out why people were upset by the way I spoke when I never intended malice or unkindness etc. This is amazing.
I personally appreciate intense people :) Sometimes I really wonder if I’ll ever heal the grief I feel. I’ve been such a people pleaser, and it attracted the most narcissistic people I could’ve ever imagined knowing. People have really caused me to lose all the faith I once had. I hope so so much that I’ve figured out how to break the spell.
I get weird anxiety when someone is actually listening to me and making eye contact with me. The eye contact makes me overthink what they might be thinking or observing about me, my face, what I'm saying etc.
I was ignored. And NOT allowed to critical think, about anything, ever.
when you start thinking critically about people, do you also feel like your mind goes blank?
Yes I do and I go nonverbal and don't think idk@@catherinedubrovna7756
Most of us learned to live our lives in quiet desperation... 🇬🇧
Pink Floyd ❤
Thought I'd something more to say
It’s the English way😢
@@themaggattack Yes - though oddly enough, the phrase had earlier been used by an American, Henry David Thoreau, describing the society of his time.
100% and amen. 👊🏽👍🏽
"sticks and stones will break your bones, but names will never hurt you"....yeah, sure.
I was a shy kid and was picked on often at school. Also I was a little slow in responding verbally when asked a question. One knickname I had was "Dumbshit." Even at 70 years old when I forget something or if I do something wrong I hear that in my head...."Dumbshit." I thought I was ugly because of things my 3rd grade teacher told me about my ears. I think the fact my father beat me with ropes or extension cords or his coils of garden hose a number of times handicapped me too. My parents would compare me with my older sister who finished first in her class at two colleges. Damn it was hard growing up. There was a lot of shit going on. I thank the Good Lord that my last 15 years have been great. I married a wonderful woman when I was 56. Here and her family have been the family I always wanted, but never had.
@@prairiemark4084 I'm so glad you have found happiness. 😊😊
@@nannyoverzet1954 I would not have made it this far without the Lord. But it is also helpful to understand that abuse as a young child affects how you are as an adult. The damage is real. Believing facts like that is not inconsistent with having Christian faith.
@@nannyoverzet1954That is one of lousiest and meanest things, anyone could say to someone, who 6:43 has been ignored/not heard/put down and demeaned all their childhood, by over demanding parents or parent! It is an absolute load of crap. Go and preach in your chosen place of religion, not on this channel! This is neither the place, nor the time!
big lie, words can hurt.
Growing up in such dynamics and dysfunctions leaves you vulnerable for other dangerous people to creep in. Partners most of all.
Sad but true. That's certainly been my experience.
100%. My people pleasing tendencies attracted the most narcissistic, manipulative advantage taking people I ever could’ve imagined knowing. They really brought me to a brink of despair that nearly cost me my life. The hardest part is forgiving myself for allowing it. It took me 37 years to understand how and why I kept finding these types. Honestly, even after I saw them for who they were, I couldn’t stop wanting to believe they could change. I think I’ve managed to break the spell I’ve been under. The last 20 years have been exhausting.
I don't understand why people can't say it right. Most of the time, it's not about self-confidence but about not trusting others.
Wow, wise words !
Makes sense.
Absolutely true. It really is about not trusting anyone.
I was ignored, told I was stupid and hit when I did try to get attention. My grandfather never spoke to me ever! I was adopted into this family. I was constantly told how I didn’t belong to them, I was somebody else’s “cast off”. I’m 62 now and I have a wonderful family. I swore I’d never treat my children like that. My father never talks to his grandchildren, I think they are very lucky that he doesn’t. My boys are in their 30’s now and have their own children who are all amazing. I still have a lot of trouble talking to my own children, but thankfully they have no trouble talking to me. I’m very lucky to have them. Thank you for your videos they do help me. ❤.
"I was somebody else’s cast off” - that's such an unfair and devastating comment. I'm sorry that happened to you.
I'd never treat my children like that. That's a promise to myself when I was a teenager. Thanks for sharing, you did so well to break the cycle. Be proud of such an important achievement. Look at all the people you made and the good lives they're living. Bravo 👏
@@just_a_soul242 How awful you went through that. But you nailed the explanation. It turns out my appearance and proclivities come from people in my family far generations back. A boyfriend's grandmother taught me to do genealogy and I learned where the differences came from. But it didn;t help the day to day I don't fit.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm so glad the channel has been helpful, we love having you in our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
❤
"Change the subject..." my mother will say, cutting me off in mid-sentence. She then talks about something else she wants to talk abt. And people wonder why I am quiet or sometimes talk in incomplete sentences.
Wow.
I got the same thing except it came from my father. I eventually figured out he was a Class A narcissist. Every conversation had to be centered around him or something he was interested in.
Me too 😮
My mom likes to say, “anyways, back to what I want to talk about” if someone tries to change the conversation.
I was told that I was a quiet child and I should speak more. But when I spoke noone listened :(
Same here
Truth tellers are often ignored. People seem to hold on to every word that the pathological liar tells. It's incredible really.
I was always alone in my room. My parents never really talk or ask me if I was ok. There were never conversations of anything. They never even know or cared that I was being bullied at school. Even as an adult I cant talk to them about anything because they never listen.
I'm sorry to hear that. You're in the right place and we're all here to support you :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
@angeluss28 Yep, that's the society we need as Crappy Childhood Fairy replied. We (are) here for you and our peers of society, we need to get the word out so it can be actioned where and as requested.
Bullying at school has become a big topic of mainstream media and school boards in the last few years, yet it still happens daily with some cases becoming exposed - but sometimes after a worse tragedy.
Why would you talk to them?
@@svr5423 to your question of why you would want to talk to them, it's a real dilemma, I found. There are relatives and family friends in the mix. I had to dump all, just like the individual friends who turn out bad, but with family a whole lot of good and bad in one dumping. I asked myself this question before my final and all-member ending to it.
There's probably less mess if it's all removed because there's the gossip and such reinvigorated when dealing with the others of family, and you know, you phone or visit that grandma and she's been told what a shlop you are, she says something or you suspect she's heard something but is quiet on it or unable to defend about it.
I think the better way is, families are genuinely helped at early stages to correct bad parenting behaviours and get along, or child(s) is taken to a better part of the family who'll receive and bring up the child(s) better - with the understanding the parents can still be a parents or remain a relational part of the family but are kept at a distance and agreements are made, so as the parents have the freedoms to get along with the corrective measures or without the worries of bringing up the child(s). That way everyone can get along better with the resulting changes or distancing.
(You have a great and valid question, I'm tempted to ask that same of someone telling of struggles in childhood and beyond.) But having offloaded family relations, I can predict the answers. I say I have no biological and married-into family, I think called extended family. And so there's no visits, no receiving or offering a hand up in family, no holiday and birthday cards, and deaths go unnoticed. My families are friends and in some cases that includes one or a few of their relatives, but they aren't all that close to me as they are in their real family links. And it can hurt when they talk of their activities, celebrations and such. Some people can't go the distance I have, they hope to find some kind of closure to abuses and mend things with possibly few of them getting there for re-broken trust through further abuses and denials with the many more who try.
Sadly, many people who profess to help are no better, tend to gaslight the victims or try to convince people to mend thing without proper closures and even create more harms where there are none. These conversations in community are possibly the best thing to happen, that's why there are growing numbers of thumbs ups, many of them mine, you just got one from me to your question, here's another: 👍🏻
Well, one day they’ll be gone, then you can live your life your way…just forget them
Spot on 💯%. Nobody listens to me as an adult either. I believe I have a lot to say that is valuable, but people are so caught up in themselvss and their pride. I'm so over just about everyone at this point. Feels like Im talking to a brick wall all the time. Or CONSTANTLY interrupted. People's listening skills are garbage.
@@kattilathehunfreedomfighter - 100% agree!! It's rare to find a good listener. I'm sick of the interruptors, the people who hear but don't listen and those who try to talk over me. Also, tired of those folks who talk all about themselves and never ask how I'm doing. Recently I went out with three people for drinks and all they did was talk about themselves. I purposely stayed quiet to see if anybody would ask me anything about me. Nobody did and it left me with an empty feeling. I decided I need to be hanging out with other people who are more respectful and interested in other people's lives, in addition to their own. Hang in there! 💐♥️
@@karenbrill321 I feel exactly the same way. And I also do that all the time - ask all about others and then wait for them to ask about me. They never do. It's astounding how self-absorbed society has become..you hang in there as well! 🤗❤️
There’s a solution that really works for people talking over you. Just say to them, “were there people in your childhood who never let you talk? Is that why you talk over me?” It stops them in their tracks and makes them realize what they’re doing.
@@Livetoeat171 - Fantastic! Thanks so much for this suggestion. I'm going to try it. Really appreciate it!
I hear you. My experiences are the other person speaks and speaks--gets all their stuff out, I listen. Then, I think, maybe it is my turn to speak but no, they are done and they get off the phone or walk away. it never seems to be my turn.
Crying as I listen to this…describes my childhood story to a T. 65 now and still struggling. It never goes away 😢
My heart breaks 💔 reading everyone's responses 😞 l been through hell with every relationship I've had 😢
I'm glad it's not just me, i just started crying too. Why do so many parents have to damage their children?
I was really good at keeping myself occupied and entertained as a child. I was happy by myself. I still have nightmares about being berated, criticized, and humiliated.
I’m not sure I remember my mother ever asking me if something was wrong. I know I didn’t feel seen or heard.
We understand as few others can, you're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Come to think of it, I was asked if I was okay if I got hurt BADLY enough that it might require medical attention at an ER, but no one ever asked if I was okay at any other time or for any other reason.
Or they ask, but it's clear the answer is supposed to be "it's fine," they don't really want to know the answer
It's like feeling physically and emotionally invisible. It's confusing. On the one hand your thoughts are legitimate while on the other, there's doubt. It can cause a person to question their thoughts, even one's body and senses. You know it to be real but that others that should take an interest don't care, aren't interested in understanding...
Or loved
I was the family scapegoat of a large family. At 10, I was sexually assaulted by my sister’s fiancee. I told my mom about it and she sent me to my room as if I did something wrong. This continued for several months. My mom always sent me to my room.
This ended when my sister got married. This event has changed the trajectory of my life in many ways.
When I was a teenager I often had challenges holding in my sadness as I wasn’t treated well. My mom would laugh at me in disgust. I always felt like a burden.
It’s a long road having to face all of that alone. I finally got myself professional help when I was in my 20s. I’m human and I still have scars.
I will never understand why my mother didn’t protect me and why she allowed it to continue. I was never heard as a child and never seen or valued.
One day at a time! None of this was my fault. I know my self worth and I understand why I have done a lot of things the way that I did.
Please know that each and every one of you are here for a reason!
I’m sorry this happened to you. There are people out there that are absolute trash. And yet, there are those among us that walk where angels have stayed. People that are good and genuine do exist. You will find them more in your life as you begin to heal. Animals are this way too. You are worthy of love, don’t waste your time with those that have shown they don’t care about you. Move on, toward those who were intended for you.
Your mother is really unwell. Narcissists should never have children. I was also the scape goat and have cut ties with my NPD mother. With a lot of healing work, I am proud and thankful for not turning out like her. I hope you feel the same in that you didn’t become the monster your mother is. Because how could any decent person turn a blind eye to a child getting harmed?
Thank you for sharing. Your story hits home for me as I had a similar upbringing. Finding a good therapist and doing the work on yourself is key. One piece of advice I want to share, which is a lesson I learned recently and you may have already learned is: watch out for narcissists. Learn the red flags (I didn’t) and walk away at the first sign (I didn’t). I’m learning all of this in hindsight. Please take care of yourself and know that there are many others like you out here.
my mom still to this day shuts down and changes the subject if any of her children tries to speak up about how they feel. she carries a lot of traumatic upbringing from an alcoholic mother who also shut down. so much generational trauma down the line, i'm now certain of it. "it's just how it was done," "we all have to suffer and suck it up," all these ideas that get handed down. i'm very proud to say i've decided that the cycle ends with me, and i am every bit there for and listen to my own child.
I learned at a young age to be alone and as an adult I’m an introvert and reclusive by nature. Latchkey kid who was self reliant at 7. I’m now 49, married and still prefer to be alone. Well not totally alone my dog is always by my side ❤️
That's me too. I love being alone but don't feel lonely. Interacting with others is exhausting. My husband understands and I get enough me time. At work it's worse because it's all just an act and I am physically and mentally exhausted when I get home.
Love to your doggie.
My spouse and I are both the youngest siblings in our families. After a decade of miscommunications and misperceptions that sparked arguments, we had an epiphany through a random conversation about childhood memories of being teased and shut down by our siblings or cousins, and just ignored by the adults, during family meals and gatherings. We realized that we were both desperately trying to assert our opinions early in our marriage, talking over one another and, well, just not having fruitful communication. That was a good first step in helping us heal and learn to give one another the reassurance we both needed.
I have been having this exact issue with my boyfriend for five years and I have been thinking of breaking up with him. this comment just filled me with a tiny glimmer of hope.😢
@@BattyKellen I’m so glad! It can be challenging, but if you’re both committed, and willing to put in the effort, it can be worth it. Good luck!
Realizing all of this now at 46 seems like I’ve wasted my whole life living with these “symptoms”. I go “oh, is that why I couldn’t find anybody to love me”. It hurts.
I am right there in the same boat with you 😢
Sending you lots of love and healing energy 🤍
I'm so glad you're here now! -Calista@TeamFairy
I'm a whole 10 years older than you, so it could worse😮😊
Same. I'm in my early 50s and just starting to do the work with CCF and living in a new community.
Same
My father (born 1910) believed that "children should be seen and not heard" as well as "speak only when spoken to".
I was always ignored and yes, I've still got issues at the age of 64.
My dad said that too but he laughed because he couldn't pull it off. He was trying to imitate his mother's father who would've been born around 1910 also.
His grandfather would come into the room and shake his newspaper which was a single to everyone to be silent!
My father was born in 1950 and said this to me in the 90s.
My father never said it but anything said when he was pre volitile outburst or during one or even just a look, shut me down. He is still the damn same now at 80. I'm sick of him. He has always acted like an oppositional teenager. Now he is forgetful but won't accept it, he pretends he doesn't hear stuff or that he has changed his mind. If he accepted he was forgetful and went to the doctors then I could be more understanding and we could all work with it. When an 80 year old is stood in front of you acting like a teenager and making stupid jokes, it's irritating. I'm very sick and not once has he shown me any empathy or asked me how im feeling. He said he would change a light fitting for me, then turns up at my house with no tools laughing and joking making me go over it all again and denying the way we had agreed he would do the job. Then he told me im not really ill, he is ill and im antisocial! Wtf! He has always been this way, just a nasty bully. When I was a younger fit healthy person I thought I could never put my parents in an oap home, when they get dementia, now not so much.
My greatest childhood memory was the constant, "children are supposed to be seen and not heard."
Yep, was told that too
it just feels like whenever i talk to my family about my struggles they always tell me to reach out if I ever need anything but as soon as I do, it's an inconvenience and 'why cant you handle this on your own? you're grown!'. the bait and switch is crazy 😭
We were told to shut up and got beat for having an opinion. Very dysfunctional is an understatement .
Wow that is an extreme situation
@@MichaelSmith-uy4ui yes, once a week if we were bad or not, messed up. I never hit my children. But ran interference there father was a tyrant at times. I took it. To save them. Karma
Very succinct phrase that sums up my childhood , as well. My father was a Preacher who LOVED spanking. I never talked back, after I realized it only got me pain!! This conditioning was powerful.
Huh, I thought I was the only one. My dad was a great guy, my mom…. She’s the conductor on the disfunction junction train. She’s 84 years old now but in the earlier years she was the corporal in corporal punishment. I was the whipping boy and the rest could do no wrong. I’m kinda wondering if I really belong to my dad or not. I look nothing like my siblings, nor do I act like them or am I treated like them. Is it my imagination???
One problem with using silence instead of filler words in conversation (rather than on a one-way medium) is that some people will take the gaps as an opportunity to start speaking, and then speak over you.
Yes and then I end up forgetting what I was going to say in the first place.
My mother doesn't even wait for gaps. But leave a gap, and it's all over. The floor is HERS now. As if you were never even trying to say anything.
@@themaggattack My mother rarely listens or lets me get a word in at all. She'll even ask me a question then immediately start talking over me the second I utter a word in reply. Calling it demoralising and frustrating doesn't even begin to cover it. The icing on the cake is when she'll ask "why didn't you tell me?" further down the line... I tried, oh how I tried.
Not being listened to in childhood, ignored and traumatized that continues unto adulthood stunting social growth further creating an unhealthy divide.
If I hold silence, people tend to think I don't have anything to say so they just leave or move on.
I hear you. Hang in there!
Nika@TeamFairy
I used to get wildly inappropriate gifts as a boy. My parents did had no idea what I actually liked and never gave any indication that they cared. The gifts were purely an expression of a joyless obligation.
Joyless obligation- a phenomenal phrase ❤
I think they didn't care what you liked. They were probably building a narrative to show off to people that they were generous parents. You were just a mode to their means.❤
Have you read ( or listened to) People of the Lie by Dr Peck? Read about BOBBY'S PARENTS. They are Emotionally Lazy to the point where it is pure evil.. Those 20 pages or so, are what finally convinced me to approach my parents as the ones who have the problem
....
When I was 9 my brother’s and mom and I had to move in with my grandparents after my dad was put in prison. For Christmas My grandmother bought my uncle a mini bike, a piano and several boxes of cool toys, she gave my brother’s and I a card with a $5 bill and kept asking us how much we liked my uncle’s gifts as she smiled. That smile sticks with me at 60.. Narcissism is generational..
@@toddhastings5548 wow, that’s unreal! 😢 sorry you had to go through that.
I try not to resent my family. Nobody ever cared for me. They didn’t teach me how to be a person. I had only one good friend. I didn’t know how. I wasn’t told I was good or smart. I look back and think of how my life could have been better if anyone had encouraged my many talents. I know I had them, but I let them go. I can write and run and swim. I could have excelled, but I never tried because they didn’t care.
Ditto. And narcissistic 'mom' would actually tell me I would not succeed, but if I did, she would undermine it in myriad ways. Like you, I was blessed with many talents, and have often wondered whom I "could have been".
I do believe in a life after this one. My hope and prayer is that our gifts are merely being preserved, until the time when we are ordained to share them with whatever comes next! Blessings, healing, and peace to you, my Dear. 🕊️❤️🩹✌️
@@gottabme Thank you for the lovely blessing. Maybe I will find peace someday. I cry a lot. I don’t know if I want to come back.
@@gottabmeCould‘ve excelled? Why not try now? To excel doesn’t mean anything concrete so one can always feel dissatisfaction about their position in life.
@@noahraab2429 I didn't use those words. Also, I am now 67 y.o. in a wheelchair with MS, so...yeah, I can't do what I used to do. I did 'excel' at several things when I got older and left home, so there's that.
@@gottabme yeah, MS is a bitch. Good on you for living life though
I “learned” very early on that it’s not okay for me to need or want things and I should stop asking. It has affected me my entire life. I am 29 now and still learning how to properly communicate needs and feelings.
Oh god the fawning bit in the beginning 😭
Before watching this I knew I wasn't listened to as a child, and the symptoms in adulthood explain a lot.
No, I was taught that I was supposed to let people treat me like crap. That I wasn't allowed to stand up for myself and needing anything was selfish. If I was hurt, I was being silly or stupid or overreacting.
You're not alone and we're here to support you!
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you so much. ❤️
I’m with you on that one. Ditto for me as well. I’m looking forward now, and finding ways to love myself. ❤
Oh, same. We are SO MANY. it's sad
If I ever cried when I got hurt when I was little, my mother would snap at me and say, "If you don't shut that up right now, then I will give you something to cry about!" I found out early on that she meant business, and I learned to cry alone. But, we had a dog who had sad brown eyes, and he listened to my troubles. God bless him, I don't think I would have made it without him.
We need to tell ourselves, “I’m worth it. I’m valued. I’m loved.”
And believe it
It doesn’t help.
@@gaylegeren3992 Keep trying. Some things take a lot of time but are worth it.
@@gaylegeren3992Therapy and a dog ..
It is easier to believe the negative stuff.
By: Leo Buscaglia
When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
You have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why
I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something
to solve my problem,
you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Don’t talk or do - just hear me…
And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering,
but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and
Inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact
That I feel what I feel,
No matter how irrational,
Then I can stop trying to convince
You and get about this business
Of understanding what’s behind
This irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when
we understand what’s behind them.
So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute
for your turn- and I will listen to you.
Perfect.
Leo was great. I got to see him in Portland, many many decades ago.
I love it! Thank you for sharing this!
I'm in my 60's and this is the first time someone has explained exactly how I feel, think, and react in certain situations. It explains so much... Thank you!
I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
So much of this. I think it was peer rejection more than my parents, but not being listened to is one of the most frustrating things, and it feels like that's the case for a lot of things in my life. Ultimately, not being listened to as a child has led me not to communicate my needs as an adult. I often feel like nobody cares.
Because sometimes the only people we have actually don't care about you.
Its hard to accept and show consequences. I can't. Bc then I would be absolutely alone with 2 kids. I can't
After people pleasing didn't work, I started yelling and screaming, throwing things. A client I was talking to about my home life told me it was because no one was listening to me. And I felt dismissed. Because I was.
I was always taught that it’s rude to interrupt and talk over people, but when I asked why everyone talked over me then, I was told because I was a child and what I was saying wasn’t important. Those exact words…
I am 64, autistic and gifted, and was discounted and rejected by my immediate family my whole life. Finally, I've turned the tables and gone no contact, moving to a new home and getting a new phone number. If that doesn't "get through" to them, I don't care, I won't even know. It will take a few more weeks to finally clean their sh*t off my shoes.
Since my iPhone Times my phone calls, I’ve noticed I have many people on my life who talk 45, 55 or 90 minutes straight without ever asking me how I am or what’s up with me. One ‘friend’ said recently (after an hour long monologue) “next time I’ll let you talk.” At least I’m starting to notice and break in sometimes and say, “it’s great to catch up but I have to get going.”
Same! If/when I say more than the perfunctory uhuh, they end the conversation.
Hurts.
People like that make almost no space to actually interject!
Look for reciprocity in relationships. It’s what a relationship should be. Expect to have conversations, not to be a listening post for the loquacious. Be patient, but do expect better treatment.
@karenfisher4170 I fell into this pattern with all of my friends. I was the unpaid therapist, the ever-sympathetic listener. But as I got older, I realized that a) I was using it to feel superior, which was more than a little arrogant; and b) I really wanted to have the floor for at least a little bit to talk about MY stuff. However, when I tried to break the pattern, my friends resisted tooth and nail, to the point where I felt I had no choice but to walk away. In retrospect, I didn't do a very good job of communicating my needs. I'm much more articulate now. But I'm still pretty much friendless. I was really hobbled as I came into adulthood; healthy behaviors and communication that others grew up with as a given I've had to figure out on my own. It's set me back years in my personal and professional development. May we all heal and grow together. ❤
Maybe you should ask people how they're doing instead of expecting it from them.
Growing up my parents would tell us don’t speak, unless spoken too, kids were seen not heard
Absolutely..
I don't FEEL overlooked, I am.
Growing up, whenever I tried to talk about how I felt or something that was interesting to me, my father would shut me down with some form of, "No, you're wrong." By the time I started school, I was the quiet kid who didn't speak up for herself and just went along with whatever. I would tag along with whoever would tolerate my presence because it was better than being alone. I still do these things at nearly 50. Thank you for showing me that it's not just me.
You are not alone and we're so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I was reprimanded when I said no and expressed discomfort…. I had no choice nor autonomy. They are the parents , they can do whatever they want.
You're not alone. We're sending you our support!
Nika@TeamFairy
I'm sorry you experienced that. It wasn't necessary, useful, or kind of them to treat you that way.
This is so enlightening. I grew up with 4 loud and belittling brothers. They laughed at anything I tried to say. Our mom was working all the time as a single mom.
As an adult now in groups even family it takes a while to get the attention to say something I want to say.. then when all eyes are on me I blank out and forget what I’d wanted to say. 😂
I feel angry at how loud they all are and have just stopped trying at all…but I judge them! I avoid people now and am pretty much alone with my cats and raccoons 😂. They are respectful. I like animals better than people!
I grew up with 4 older brothers and have a lot of trauma connected to that. They were often put in charge of me and that was not a good thing. Very belittling. :/ As an adult I can relate to a lot of what the crappy fairy discusses.
I'd really appreciate some input as to how I can respond to being so blatantly unheard, ignored...itmdoesnt happen all the time, but often enough that it's starting to upset me..thank you..
I've learned a lot about being unheard growing up. Thank you for this talk
Thank you for sharing this with us. We truly understand as few others can and we're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Can this trauma occur from being ignored by classmates all through school? I had nothing in common with them and we just ignored each other (I wasn't bullied). I was with my 1 or 2 friends, and if they weren't at school one day I'd go all day without speaking or being spoken to by my class mates. This went on from... age 10 to 15 maybe? Then I got severe anorexia and my bipolar disorder started acting up.
My mom was warm and kind and I knew she loved me. Dad I saw maximum 1 hour per day, he worked far away, and we hardly have contact today. But is neglect from 8 hours of school everyday for 5-6 years enough to count as neglected trauma?
I struggle IMMENSELY as an adult talking to doctors, getting help from them, getting taken seriously, getting heard and helped. I seek care as seldom as I can, I have trauma from the psychiatric care I had as a teen. I even went 1,5 week with an actual blood clot because I was sure the doctors would just brush me off and say everything was normal. I could've died. I HATE seeking any kind of care, but as disabled I often need it, and I never get what I need from doctors. I'm struggling every second of every day and has been the latest 20 years. I'm 36 today.
I’m going to be 72 soon, and more memories keep popping up in my head about my childhood. My sister and I discuss certain instances sometimes, and realize that these incidences were not normal. At the time, we didn’t know any difference. My parents were so involved with themselves and marital issues, that we usually were an afterthought. My vision of mom was of her sitting on the couch watching tv, smoking and doing crossword puzzles. Dad worked all day then frequently cooked dinner when he got home or did shopping errands. Mom didn’t drive. The only attention we ever got was birthdays, Christmas and illness. I always wondered why I was so shy as a kid. A real wallflower, so much so that my teachers use to talk to my parents about it at conferences. I was super sensitive also. Anyway, thank you for listening and explaining in simple terms what a lot of us grew up with, and that we are not alone. 💕 Kathleen A.
I've never been listened to, generally ignored - except by the playground bullies at school. 'Stay away from him. He's weird.' I was in my fifties before I discovered the reason for my marginalisation: autism. I'm more assertive now, and more self-confident, with the knowledge that I'm not failing to keep up with the rest: I'm just differently-wired. I'm still ignored, though. Nowadays, it's 'What makes you think you know better than we do?' In my last job, in social care, I could see things coming apart. I told the senior managers straight that I felt it was a failing service. I was silenced with 'That's a figment of your imagination, and other people don't agree.' So I asked them to ask other people. Sure enough, no one else would back me up. I left that job shortly afterwards - and a few months later, it went into special measures after failing in all areas of care. I couldn't resist emailing all of the senior management team about it. It wasn't schadenfreude. I just wanted them to know: 'I warned you. I told you what was going wrong. And you chose to ignore me.'
Same boat at 50 (but was diagnosed at 27)
Grieving because this is me. Now it makes sense.
Try not 2 feel 2 bad; 🤗. This was me! As well. "Take care"🙏. 👍. 🤗. This 💘 is 4 u! ☺️
As a child, I was unable to do a particular important/basic task. When adults asked me why I "refused" to do it, I told them that I wanted to but couldn't. Everyone assumed I was lying. Through the sheer luck of my mom being a bit of a hypochondriac and taking me to lots of specialists (including many quacks), one doctor realized I had a piched nerve. (It was more complicated than that, but close enough.) After surgery, I was able to do the task just fine. I never got an apology from any adults. I even asked for one as an adult, but got a shitty "We did the best we could.".
such a bullshit response. My mother does that too - "I did my best." Oh yeah, that was your best to be so meanspirited with an innocent child?
@JoeJoeTater This is often an atrocity played out by people who profess to help, no one checks why someone can't do something, someone hurts or someone stumbles and it goes unchecked, often times becoming permanent, worse or lethal.
The tic bite caused Lyme disease and the stripped muscle are still common challenges unmet by several medical "professionals" and quacks who are supposed to listen and go forth with what is known to have occured and work at it until something is found.
Patient was camping, and feels lousy - check right away if Lyme disease or something else from travels may be the cause and is something to be treated. Patient works in an engine shop and hurts when a body area is stretched - go forth with testing and if that's it tell the patient to avoid stretches there, avoid lifting to let it mend, that sort of things. Some of it is so ubiquitous therefore simple or at least can be found sooner than later with some actual skilled work. But it's easier and sometimes financially beneficial to gaslight the patient and quickly move on to the next patient to gaslight or to actually work with.
All these people have to do better than the one professional who finally catches on, better than untrained people who learn from experiences of themselves or others but can't treat patients and better the Internet which can sell scams.
Listening is a huge part of the medical practice, both vocal and with the stethoscope. Well, mechanics tend to listen, to people who operate things because they know what's happening and some of that listening is hearing and understanding what is happening while something such as an engine is running. There can be something in an operator's story or a pattern or tone in an engine. These acts of listening can give a hint what may be causing something. And yep, sometimes it's just a noise which is really nothing more than a loose part which secured better will become quiet and stay on longer to continue doing its thing.
Apologies are something we will never get.
I'll say it for them: Oh my, we didn’t know there was a medical reason stopping you. It must have been distressing for you. I'm sorry we didn’t know and acted like you didn’t do the thing due to laziness or willfulness. That doesn’t sound like it would feel fair because you literally could not do the thing. We were wrong and I'm sorry we treated you unfairly because of it.
@@jewelweed6880 Good going, scripting other people's apologies for JoeJoeTater. Let's hope if they'll ever be said by these and or other unprofessional and medical malpractice offenders and other people involved in such cases, they'll be said in the courts of law where appropriate punishments can be dealt out. There are various kinds of physical tests and physiotherapies to help find causes and work these out if that can be done and there can be other treatments or even surgical operations meant to help where such problems exist, there's no need to gaslight people, do harm or otherwise leave these matters go not found or untreated.
I was actually told, "Go away. I don't have time" as a child. Lost child here.
I am in tears. Every word you spoke is how I live my life from day to day. As a kid I was told my opinion didn't matter. I was taught to not speak unless spoken to, and that if I disagree with an adult, I am wrong. I have begged people to "see" me, but I end up pushing them away.
Pretty much from birth for me. Born after a chronically ill brother and a brother 14 months younger. I was alone a lot and not allowed to have needs or emotions. I felt like an invisible balloon floating over everyone waiting to be noticed and brought back to earth. I still feel like this often at 60. Never attached to a safe adult.
Thank you for sharing. I can totally relate. God bless you.
I'm so glad you're here, we're all sending you support :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Same. My older sister has health issues and she got 100% attention. I was told at about 10 that my feelings didn't matter... which really meant *I* didn't matter. Still never a priority with my family and I don't have a family of my own.
@@amyholcomb6484 I am so sorry. I wish you peace on your healing journey. I am still struggling to find my identity. It helps knowing others understand. I have very little contact with family now, by choice. I am building my own supportive community with friends.
@@amyholcomb6484Wow. Your parents were probably overwhelmed with your sister, but that's no excuse to tell you that your feelings don't matter!
I'm a teacher now and it still surprises me that these kids listen to me.
As a former kid/student, the teachers we most liked were the ones who liked to talk with us and listen to us and casually show that they wanted the best for the students, whereas the least liked were those who just got in class, gave their lecture and didn't care about us. I heard about a recent study where kids rated how good their teachers are and why, and the biggest thing the highest rated teachers had in common was their compassion. Maybe your childhood of not being listened to made you want to make sure nobody else felt that way, which has made you respected and likeable as a teacher :)
@@zomepeople1315
For me, the best teachers were those who gave good grades...
Please be careful with those kids. Recognize the huge privilege and influence you have. Some of my teachers were bullies, very insensitive and hurt me so much. They seemed to care more about the students liking them/thinking they were cool than helping to create good, educated people.
I was ignored so much as a child that I grew up being a loud talker as well as one who continues - sometimes to this day at 56 - repeating things over when they are especially important. I’m better now but it has taken a long time. I also would be mistaken to be angry for years and wasn’t
Watching Bluey was very healing for me. My childhood wasn't bad, but being an emotional person in a very unserious family definitely took it's toll on me. I feel very emotionally neglected. Watching Bingo, an emotional child who feels afraid to speak up for herself, have her feelings validated and to watch her family sincerely apologize when they hurt her feelings and try to make amends with her was really helpful. I still have problems communicating, and blaming people is pointless now, but it feels good to look at how Bingo is treated and say to myself "I should have had that as a child, i deserved to be treated with patience and kindness. My feelings matter."
PTSD since I was 6..in the middle of my dad's killing. I'm 72 now
& wow... Thank you .. this is me.. I couldn't even communicate till I was 12.. life was hell no one talked to me about it..ever..but I can talk about it now..
Wow hugs!! ❤
So wonderful that you can speak about it now. Sending kind thoughts your way!
❤❤❤❤
Yes! It’s ok. To talk about it now and forever….hugs and prayers for you ❤
So sorry that you experienced this and especially at such a young and impressionable age, and that you have carried this with you for your whole life. Well done for starting the healing journey. I wish you all the best and am sure this community does too. To healing and having our truth heard ✨️
I'm really trying not to be resentful towards my parents. I know that harboring the pain will only hurt me. But I'm just so dang angry at both of them for how they treated me during both childhood and adulthood. We are emotionally divorced. They will NEVER hear from me again.
You are allowed your feelings 😊 let them pass through ❤
you have to release that anger. If you still hold onto it, that might mean that you are stuck I think, that forgiving means understanding that things were as they were, accepting that these personalities did not have skills to choose differently. Accepting that you have nothing in common, that there might be some responsibilities you might be able to take. But also you have to release them from their responsibilities for you. Then you are actually free.
I have run away as far as I could from my "family". I feel enormously anxious before I come visiting them several times a year because of "duty" sense.
I was afraid to meet my mother while she was conscious on her deathbed, because I was afraid of her dramas for the "last promise" (I do not feel guilty about that). But I started working on my mind asking if things COULD be different years before her death. And the answer was "no". The perception of my own behaviour also changed, as I understood how immature and unskilled I was while making different decisions. I can't change the past, I can strive for better present. And learn to release myself from the past and work on myself to get better.
Going through the same. I struggle with letting them go completely or carrying lots of guilt, when they pass, that I didn't try or didn't forgive them, like I was brought up to believe. It's a vicious cycle I continue to put myself through, it's torture.
I'm fully with you there, Trashpanda. For me, it was very important, to make clear in my mind, who committed devious acts, who were the abusers, who hit and abused their children until CPS showed up on their own, and who it really is unsafe to be around (them!).
I quite frankly find Marjaes reply VERY offensive.
How dare you post in a page about childhood abuse, that the now grown adult child could adjust a little their feelings, and cannot feel anger?? How dare you, Marjae? I think it is YOU who is stuck.
Feel the anger that children get hurt! That is how a healthy person reacts to witnessing childhood abuse.
but still, eventually the bond weakens. I am still gaslighted with all their might. but they cannot get close to me anymore, because I chose not to disclose any information about myself they could manipulate. That means, I chose not to confront them, because I do not believe that talking alone can solve the problems. Maybe talking/listening and doing things accordingly with respect and boundaries might help. But we are in this situation because of the lack of respect, lack of boundaries. I accept that I cannot change people, and I am also not sure, if I want to take the responsibility to change other people. Controlling is tiring work.
I am 67 and this resonates so deeply. I have even managed to get to all long term relationships that were the same, even my kids. I came home this morning with my dogs feeling very depressed, fully realizing that the only beings in my life that have any time for me have been all my dogs. My husband asked what was wrong, not really wanting to know. I opened you tube to this video. I feel like am wallowing and can’t get above water. It is pathetic that I have allowed my entire life to be this way. I think when you grow not being heard you spend your whole trying to please everyone. I have just become a non entity, that every few months erupts in anger. Everyone knows the pattern, if they leave alone me for a day everything will go back to their normal.
The damaged ones as adults overcompensate by talking over you or interrupting you
And I'm sorry for doing it.
I don't know how to be a normal person. I just don't now. No one ever showed me. All are damaged.
I can't even cry in front of people tbh. My dad would always accuse me of being manipulative when I'd cry out of frustration.
That doesn't feel good, when you literally can't help but cry and someone tells you you're only doing it to make them feel bad. Like maybe I'm crying because *I* feel bad and it's not about you and how you feel.
Oh I hate crying in front of people. I was accused of fake tears and manipulation before. Even before that I didn't want to cry publically, but the accusation left me feeling even more wretched. I was overwhelmed and they added confusion and more to the cascade of emotions and stress I had inside.
If I cried my father would yell....."shut up, stop crying or I will give you something to cry about " and if I cried when he beat me I was beat more.
I hate crying in front of people too and some people hate that I don’t like being touched bc the minute someone hugs me I’ll break down. I usually just put a smile on face and wipe any tears that are about to form. Why I cried when I was younger. Nobody felt bad for me or wanted to help me. I got told to grow up, suck it up, and get over it.
My dad treated me like this too. Now when my husband cries in our arguments i say the same thing, even if im crying already.
I just dont trust anyone who cries because the irony is is my dad used "sadness" as a way to manipulate me...
Like "im dying and you would say that to me?" "Youre breaking my heart over something i said 5 years ago" or shit like that. He always... just ....
I remember my school councillor used to say I was crying to manipulate my mother when in reality I was crying and obviously that’s my mum, she gives me comfort + I had a hard time holding back tears. I purely think she took sides with my abusive father because 1. She was also a first gen immigrant(so similar cultural ideals. And 2. Some people like purposely making someone’s home life worse.
Yes. My mother not only didn't listen to me, she didn't talk to me either. She never changed. She was mentally abusive when she did talk. She would negatively compare me to all of the girls my age, like cheerleaders and homecoming queens. I used to fantasize at bedtime about having a fairy book mother that would come in and kiss me lovingly on my forehead. I wanted a mother SO badly.
I ended up being a targeted person, because I never learned to defend myself in the appropriate manner.
Here's a good one. When my mother was praising my sister to me for having many friends, being popular, a cheerleader etc as opposed to me, I said "mom, I was a cheerleader". Her response was "you were"? "Yes I was the captain". "you were"? "yes" " I was nominated for homecoming queen" "You were"? At which I said "where the hell were you?" She said "well, I just don't know honey". That pretty much set me on the road to recovery at forty something. Again, take a good hard look at the people around you, especially your parents.
Same, honey. Same. You’re not alone. Let’s do our best to make the most of the time we have left. We got this. 👊🏽❤️
I also have a narcissistic mom.
I stood at our glass front door for years, daydreaming about my "real" family walking through the gate to our house, a mom, a dad, and a big brother. Blonde and green eyes, like I have.
And I dreamt about to open the door, and run to them, and they laugh and are happy and they came and took me to me real home where I was loved and had a big brother who cared for me and not a big sister who bullied me constantly.
@@AlexandraVioletta Many of us had to invent imaginary families :(
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.porassss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this
Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is dr.porassss.
Was not listened to as a kid nor now as an adult which has led to many" I told you so but you did not listen " moments .
This has so many things that describe my behavior…that I hate, so I isolate.
Same. I painfully lonely, I like the idea of having friends, but being around people just feels so uncomfortable.
I hear you ❣
Oh I know it happened to me. I felt invisible as a child Both at home and at school. I felt like a non-person. Unwanted. I married young to the first person who asked me. Big mistake. He was a narcissist. I have felt unwanted in any real way my whole life. I became a people pleaser until I became too ill to do it. Being alone is just easier now.
I hear you and I see you. You matter.
Ditto
Me, too!! Narc was-band, same reason. Thank God I'm free of him, now.
Yes, I grew up feeling the same way, except I didn't want to be seen because that meant a beating, or some other form of abuse.
Remember many parents CANNOT GIVE TO A CHILD WHAT THEY THEMSELVES NEVER GOT OR LEARNED AS A CHILD.
Then they shouldn't have kids, that's not an excuse
@@wxnology1487 LISTEN UP. My dad had a third grade education. He family was dirt poor. My mom went to school until 6th grade. She had to quit school to help out in the sugar cane fields because her folks needed the money, they had 8 kids. They never experienced hugs, kisses or I love you from their parents. YET, All the children from both families grew up, made something of themselves and raised their children to all be college graduates and professionals. SO DON'T JUDGE OTHERS!
Family is NOT always everything. Family is suppose to be supportive and comforting. Parents should offer guidance and instill values. I was constantly interrupted growing up, no one interested in my life, my good grades, my accomplishments. As an adult I just boycotted all holidays with them because it was such a stressful, loud, interruptive event. The one or 2 times I would make an appearance every few years, I would just not talk and watch them all; then someone would ask me, "how come you're so quiet?", My reply, 'why bother talking, you're all going to interrupt me." No one listens to anyone; they all talk at the same time to each other.
I really resonated with this 'Crappy childhood fairy' . I am going to listen to the other videos of 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy'. which is a great title!
Not listened to ever. "Children should be seldom seen and never heard". When trying to express feelings I cry and become incoherent. As an adult in my dreams I scream at my mother "you never fucking listen to me" and even in the dreams she's ignoring me. She's dead now and I am still so angry with her for this.
We're here to support you!
Nika@TeamFairy
Yeah, I have that dream also. I stand up to my mother’s idiocy. I yell and scream.
Funny, as an adult, I’ve come to understand that, the people that matter do listen to me. My small circle of friends and my brothers (one brother, one half brother, and two cousins who I consider brothers.)
When people talk over me or ignore me, or constantly interrupt me, I determine that it’s their loss, and I don’t feel like I have to socialize with them. They’re cut off. I am miffed for a second or two, but I easily put them in the “not worth the trouble category.” And move on.
But for obvious reasons, it still bothers me that my mother does it. I’m working on separating her from my real life. It’s difficult because she’s my mother. Yet her presence is not a comfortable thing for me. I can recognize her toxicity and try to keep it away from me.
I am still learning a lot at almost 59.
Videos like this help me see why I am the way I am and what I need to work on and that I can change and improve.
I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
Wow! I have experienced many of these. It was a trigger just hearing this. Ugh! Thanks for saying this in a light-hearted way, because it was so heavy!
I think a lot of musicians such as myself spent there entire adolescence not being listened to, and it becomes a daily burden to try to be heard.
I will have to listen to your music sometime if you have any of it uploaded. I will turn my daughter onto it too.
my music is here on youtube and available on all platforms
I was treated like a houseplant, and to this day I'm still basically prophesizing and then telling people before and after things happens that I warned them
How is this connected? Could you please explain? Curious to learn your story
@@pnwadventures2955 all those people that were around me and even some who still are do some of the most self destructive stuff and it's obvious but they don't listen and so they're downfall is prophesized because it's so obvious what's happening especially when there's hindsight. They suffer because of the bullshit they pull treating me like an object
I literally said I feel like a houseplant yesterday. 😂 It is a perfect expression.
@@pnwadventures2955this comes from being hyper vigilant. You end up paying attention to everyone & everything as a result you see patterns in behavior that others miss. You can look up pattern Recognition. I can do the same thing for the same reason. Very few still listen, for those who do listen they benefit from my advice & warnings. Those who don’t listening could be because I’m bad at expressing myself or they don’t want to hear it.
very interesting, thank you all for sharing
I still tend to interrupt people before they finish speaking. I think it's because I was always told to stop talking.
I was invalidated so much that I completely invalidated myself. I lost myself, treated myself like shit. It hurts and it hurts even more waking up to that truth but you have to to get better.
I can't supress the anger. I remember being very volatile at school. I'm 38 and still feel like my closest group of school friends are just pretending to hang out with me. I'm still surprised when some of them remember what I said. This fits, finally.
I still remember when I was a kid adults use to say kids are to be seen and not heard. As an adult I can see that was so damaging.
One of those weird skills that sounds simple but has incredible impact is the ability to allow silence in a conversation. If you can say something and then sit in the silence that follows, it's almost a superpower. And it's waaaaaaaay more difficult to learn than I expected. Glad I did, tho. Absolutely worth the effort.
I definitely wasn’t listened to. Especially during my teenage years. It really comes from my stepmom. I wasn’t allowed to cry, I wasn’t allowed to be angry, I wasn’t allowed to be upset, and I wasn’t allowed to communicate and speak up. But then the funny thing is this. If my stepmom saw a troubled look on my face, and she would ask me what was wrong, I tried to convince her that nothing was wrong. So she would get mad because I wasn’t communicating to her what was wrong so that way she could fix it and help me. So, with her, I was trapped. I wasn’t allowed to Xpress myself, but then again, I wasn’t allowed to not communicate what was wrong.
It's terrible.
You are a star to have gotten to this point in life despite the childhood trauma 😢
Damn this reminds me of my dad a bit.
"I wasn’t communicating to her what was wrong so that way she could fix it and help me."
Yeah it seems like my dad only cared "What was wrong" later on life to "Fix it."
I remember him making a comment on what I should do..... to something that happened 20 years ago when I was a kid.
UH DAD... YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE WHEN I NEEDED YOU THEN....
This happened because I was trying to explain how bad I had it in life, because he always tells me I'm sensitive and this and that, and both of my parents just don't care about my needs or emotions.
They are both 5 years old and were the ones whose needs and emotions were the only ones that mattered.
Sorry you had to deal with this.... These people are evil, manipulative, and only care about themselves.
Its' crazy, because my dad sometimes shows like he "Cares" but I don't trust him. I feel bad not trusting him, but as my brother has said, he's "Oblivious to the outside world." He was in his room working my entire life. Only coming out for dinners or when mom needing him to enact justice for her, because she couldn't control 2 kids on her own.
I don't like the notion of Step-Parents, because many times they are just there for the money or the spouse, and don't care about the kids, and the kids are the ones who suffer, because the actual parent cares more about the spouse than their own kids.
Such Selfishnesss...
All the best to you.
@@AlvinKazu i’m sorry you went through this! I feel like I understand where you’re coming from about the whole step parents thing.
@@siennaprice1351 Thank you, you as well. I hope you are able to heal from it all.