raised by parents with narcissism/bpd/immaturity: 11 common traits to assess in yourself
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- Опубликовано: 2 май 2024
- This video describes 11 common signs in adult children raised by parents who struggle with often undiagnosed narcissism, borderline pd, emotional immaturity, etc and how we can check in and assess ourselves with non-clinical traits that might benefit from more support/treatment.
Some great books:
"Mothers Who Can't Love" - S Forward
"Wired for Love" S Tatkin
"Surviving a Borderline Parent"- Roth and Friedman
"Understanding the Borderline Mother" C Lawson
"Will I Ever Be Good Enough..." K McBride
"Mother Hunger" K McDaniel
*** We explore background info first - signs around 6:50!!
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Here is the 11 common traits:
1) Black and white thinking about everything, especially about self. Results in shame and self hate.
2) Deep distrust in human beings, get in and out of friendship quickly, boundary setting issues, unable to get out of unsafe friendships, overly judging people
3) Avoiding conflicts, because expressing anger was not safe in childhood
4) Identity disturbance, you don't know who you really are and what you want
5) Often have secret emotional dysregulation, deal with feelings alone or overly acting them out accompanied with shame
6) Chronic resentment for not being seen, never feeling appreciated, over caring for others without feeling appreciated
7) Often have anxiety, anxious attachment style, over reading things in your partner
8) Highly avoidant behavior and attachment
9) Highly sensitive/vigilance and empathic, always scanning others and making meaning of their actions, results in self-neglect
10) Emotional enmeshment with your partner or children resulting in nervous system dysregulation
11) Resort to numbing behaivors (binge watching, addition, dissociation, etc.)
Thank you
It is so hard to learn one has negative traits as a result of immature parents and changing these patterns. I would describe my father like a gardner who digs a hole, throws a plant in the hole, throws some dirt over the plant, places a water can next to the plant, then criticizes the plant for growing up wonky: well I gave you a home, there is water next to you, the parasite arou d you "should make you a stronger" tree, "your mother's behavior wasn't that bad" - like when she threw a knife at you (father)?
A mind blowing fact about epigenetics is that your egg was present in your mother when she was in your grandmother's womb. What your grandmother experienced during that pregnancy can affect you now.
😭😭😭 It's truly generational trauma.
One of the biggest issues I had with my parents is that they always brought up them having it worse than me. Anytime I complained about anything I was ungrateful. But things that happened to them as children were literal felonies. So it felt like a threat.
It's so important to not expect your kids to feel grateful for normal parenting.
You can't expect your kids to be grateful, because being grateful is a feeling and you can not force feelings on people. But I can understand your parents bringing it up because as a parent myself I really struggle with my children complaining on a different level and taking for granted good things in life. I don't mean I want them to feel guilty for having it better, but I sometimes would like them to feel this gratitude for "normal" things I feel everyday because I know how different it can be and being grateful for "normal" things is a key to happiness for me personally. But you can not impose that on anyone. So you accept them crying over minor things sometimes and think by yourself how grateful you would have been in their shoes and that they have the luxury to find it "normal".
Dr Kim, I love the way you explain things, your quiet and reassuring tone/vibe, and your overall esthetic. It’s really lovely to have therapy content delivered in such a cozy manner. Thank you.
I truly appreciate you!! Thank you for such kind, affirming words!♥
I absolutely agree!!! ❤ Very regulating in a way.
Me too. Me too. Perfectly said, and thank you, Miss Kim.
Completely agree!
Yesss her voice and vibe is amazing.
I have never had someone verbalize so succinctly all of my behaviours and why they were occurring.I have literally been trying to understand them myself for years, and although I tried therapy, was never able to find a therapist who understood or could help. I’ve done a lot of work on my own, but will definitely look at the books you mentioned are linked below. Thank you so much for these videos - they are valuable resources.
You expressed accurately what I just couldn't put into words.
I feel many times loat of words to actually express what I feel.
Esp the point about anxious attachment. If someone came and just told me "hey, you've got an anxious attachment style" I would have answered that you're nuts.
I just love the way she is able to explain in detail what it means why I am the way I am
:)
I just cannot get over how exactly all your videos in this topic relates to me. So so specific. My mother is definitely between narcissism and BPD, I am not sure which one exactly. I fear that I am doing a similar thing to my daughter, and I am back to watching these type of videos to stop myself. I did really good with her until she was 3, and then I had to live with my mom again for this past year for her childcare and I’m fully in trauma mode. Which I fear I passed to my daughter. Bc now at 4 I am seeing some behavioral issues, and she was perfect at 3 bc I was at home with full time and of course using the best psychological practices I could find online. I’m trying to reverse the trauma to her, while protecting myself from my mother’s attacks and being fully deregulated myself. Two more months….
Sending love and strength! ❤ i dragged my mom with me for years -and I know it’s so hard. But your awareness is incredibly powerful/ just keep pushing while also having compassion for yourself/ one day at a time💪🏻🩷🌷
Your mom may have/had narcissism and BPD. According to Psychology Today, 40% of people suffering from BPD also have high narcissistic traits. There's lots of overlap in the traits.
This is so incredibly helpful as a starting point for working on halting passing on generational traumas; it greatly clarifies how easily traits, behaviours, and conditioning are developed because of unhealed trauma; everything on the list is relatable and actually clarified a confusion for me 💚 Than you Dr Kim
Honestly hit the nail on the head. Its hard because I want things because i was denied in childhood but that same childhood trauma holds me from achieving it. Like a great example is how i grew up feeling completely neglected, unseen, unloved etc. but when i get any type of attention i push it away out of this fear that it will just be to point out my flaws or taken away. This life is so fucking hard but its nice to know that its not exclusively my experience cuz that means i can be worth it.
Oh my god, my parents are such eggshell parents. I was on high alert every day, never knowing what would happen. I always loved when they ran errands because I could relax without them being around.
Now as an adult I still carry that anxiety and high alert with me every day, it makes my life and job a living hell!
My mom recently started opening up to me about her childhood and what she went through. It’s really strange to hear after all these years of her being a closed book on anything regarding her past.
A good portion of her behaviors, as well as mine now make sense. I resonate with just about every point here.
So wonderful for you to now have that connection and context x
It’s good to have, but still not fully connected. The relationship is still arms length for me.
At the least she did open up to you which does pave the way for a betterment in your relationship with her.
I don't know how my one's reaction would be, would I start to talk how I felt as a kid....
She used to tell me for years - you had a good childhood but "you never were satisfied".
I won't go into the subject because we live literally continents apart and only see her once a year for a coupk of weeks.
I started my 50iest chapter of my life this year and still many times missing that feeling of having had an emotional present mum.
These all hit home, but especially #10. I am working so hard on correcting this habit, I have such a very hard time when my kids are mistreated by anyone or upset. I feel like it's my job to "fix" it and I've slowly come to realize that it's not, it's okay to just sit with them and let them feel what they are feeling. I know for a fact that this comes from me not ever being validated when I was a kid. I dealt with all of my emotions alone, I have no memories of either parent ever asking how I was doing emotionally. Looking back, I know that I was numb to this and just went through it because I had no other choice and now with kids of my own I don't ever want them to feel like that so I overcompensate. But I am working on it! It's hard, but it's progressing well!
Insanely relatable. I resonate with all of these on the list. Recently I have been thinking how I am having an identity crisis (in my late 40’s!!) Its very confusing because I am the only one of my siblings who is mostly no/low contact with our parents. But I am a first born daughter and I truly believe this is the number one factor. Everyone *loves* my parents and I’m sure would think I was crazy if they heard my side of the story.
I feel so seen with this video. I related to all 11 traits back then, and watching it now makes me think that I’ve made solid healing progress, but I see the areas I still need to grow in. For example, I’m still having trouble with not feeling safe to express emotions in conflict with any of my family or friends. The only safe place with another person is therapy. It’s hard to express emotions when people get defensive about you expressing them. Going into psychology, I started to wonder if I had traits of BPD and narcissism passed from my parents, but looking further, I realized I’m just a traumatized autistic. I wish everyone the best with their healing, and hopefully some will find my short experience somewhat relative. 💛
I so appreciate your videos on my healing journey. I only started to see my childhood and family through the lens of autism and trauma. It makes so much sense to me. I have had toxic shame from my earliest memory. I now know that I was never bad or broken, only traumatized, abandoned and autistic. I was discarded by my narcissist mother at 17 when she married a man closer to my age than hers. (He was 25 and she was 38. I was 17. 😮)
my mom literally blames me for EVERYTHING. it’s unreal.
One of the things that has been frustrating when going to therapy is that my parents minimize my feelings and mental struggles and make me think I’m overreacting and don’t even need therapy.
Yes yes yes my mother always makes a sound ugh sound when it comes to my mental health. If I say I'm mentally exhausted which makes me physically exhausted. She makes me uncomfortable now that I think about it. I have to remind her of HER actions.
Oh and she always remi ds me im going on a" tangent" and I'm manic. I absolutely hate being reminded of my "mental illness." So that makes me feel like my feelings aren't real and they are just my mental illness. (Bipolar).
Thank you for a great content 🙏
Thank you Kim… as always, I appreciate your support, research and insight!
And meanwhile there's a lot of us autistic women being misdiagnosed with BPD, therefore being flagged as immature, manipulative and cray by that medical system and the people. Then we tumble on content like this and our remaining self esteem take a turn for the worst.
I’m so sorry🙏🏻 and I know it’s a huge problem around missed and misdiagnoses-esp given the stigma of BPD. I don’t know if this is the first vid of mine you’ve seen - but because of BPD being so stigmatized I was in a doctoral program before I realized that both of my parents had BPD (among others for my father) and so I always believed deep inside somewhere that I was the bad child/person my much loved mom told me i was…(and this is not to say that all people with BPD parent this way at all- it was just my experience)-I share this to say that on all ends these missed and misdiagnoses hurt everyone. I’m so sorry that has happened to you and hope you have some deserved support ❤I keep sharing autism signs in women and others because I believe autism is more common and has hurt people like you as well. Even among my colleagues / they either understand autism in our new frame or think it only looks like the DSM 💔sending love to you - I appreciate you being here and sharing 🙏🏻
@@DrKimSage My own mother have BPD and narcissistic traits as well. I believe this unhappy mix between the 2 to be the reason why BPD is so stigmatized. As we know, autism too is stigmatized because people seem to think it comes with either a very high i.q or a low I.q. I hope someday the stigmas will disappear. Your videos help me greatly to realize what I've been going through and i'm glad I now have more knowledge to help me protect myself. As for the BPD misdiagnosis; i'm working hard to find a good specialist autism friendly for a more accurate assessment. Thank you very much for your kindness and listening. I hope you have a good day 😊
Also here’s a newer research article suggesting that women with BPD… “Second, women presenting multiple times to clinicians with psychiatric difficulties should routinely be screened for autism, particularly those presenting with symptoms of BPD”
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10313531/
@@DrKimSage Very true. Because many symptoms of BPD look just like those of ASD; such as the rejection sensitivity dysphoria and the mood swings caused by innate or secondary alexithymia. Psychology is one of my special interests so thank you very much for the link😊
I feel you. I was diagnosed with depression and given medication which made me like a zombie, but my father did not bother getting me assessed for anything else. I only know now why I struggled so much.
Relate to everyone of these. I also relate to the “ethical avoidant” attachment style which relates to this constellation of consequences. Thank you for the validation!
This was extremely helpful Kim! Thanks so much for all you do 💗🙏
Dear Kim, your way of explaining and speaking is very kind and affirming, and you are overall very beautiful and sympathetic by doing this in your own way. ❤❤
I’ve also realized as I’ve been diving deeper over the last 5 years, that I was stuck in fight/flight/freeze/fawn not only my whole childhood, but the first 15 years of marriage and children. I have only just relatively recently begun to feel calmer, more at peace, settled, able to relax, not as reactive etc. It’s a very strange feeling. For years I analyzed why I felt extreme restlessness every few years and would obsess over properties on Zillow and want to move and needed big change or to just “get away.” I’m still trying to figure that all out, but it’s getting clearer🦋
Happy Mother's Day Kim and bless you more 💞🙏
Dr Kim, you look and sound SO much like my therapist, it’s crazy!
Love your videos ❤
Yes to everything you said. Wow! You are so knowledgeable on this topic. I can see so many directions I can explore to learn and grow. Thank you so much.
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❤❤im so thankful i found your channel. This is what ive been stuggling with my entire life. Everything you talk about hits everything ive been feeling. Now how to work through all of this is scary. Etr is very hard but a relief at the same time❤❤❤
Thank you Dr. Sage, it was very helpful. I see myself in most of the points you spoke about, took notes too. Now here is 11 pm and a little too late to think about such deep facets of myself. I will watch again the video tomorrow, expand my notes, translate to Italian partially and reflect on them. Then I will speak to my therapist about them in my next session, on Wednesday. Thanks again for your help. Sending love, Rita.
Sending love Rita!❤
17:13 so crazy when that story just.. vanishes, and you’re left seeing plain reality and understanding how dramatic unnecessary and crazy draining your own behaviours have been😊
This makes a lot of sense. Thank you for this message ❤
You are so welcome❤
I sometimes miss the consideration that our parents in addition to being immature, violent, narcissistic, borderline or whatever - they might have been autistic, too, given the fact that it is highly genetic. It really helps me to understand my childhood experiences to aknowledge that for my parents, whom for many of the above mentioned reasons I broke off contact with decades ago until they both died, being most probably autistic must have been hell on earth, even worse than it was for me, because there was NO understanding, NO interest, NO compassion for ANY psychological issue at that time. There was only abuse, shame and rejection for all their autistic traits in their entire lives, external and internalized. They had NO chance to find out about their autism and develop any healthy self-concept. That doesn't make undone what they did - but it puts a different complexion on it and helps me to understand the reasons why.
Its very helpful video
When my children cry because someone hurt their feelings sometimes I begin to cry with them. They’re teens and I remember how hurt I used to feel so like you said it definitely triggers me
I was just thinking about this today.
Just WOW about 'epigenetics.' I've always had a phobia of black racing lines at the bottom of a swimming pool. It wasn't until I was in my 40s that my dad told me he did, too! And there were no events we shared around this. Freaky!
You are so beautiful and have an easy femininity about you. I admire this. And wish i had a mother able to model these things to me 💗✌️ thank you for sharing all of this important information
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Was my mum a borderline? Every time I go through the diagnostic criteria, I see she did meet them somewhat, but I always have doubts.
Am I a child of a borderline? The descriptions always fit me like a glove.
It is important to realize "bad parents" had their own trauma. You mentioned war. There are so many who were caught in the middle of a war as kids and never realize how traumatic it was. I was shocked when a recent actress wrote a book about how glad she was that her mother died. Do we know what her mother endured? Mental health awareness is new. It's unfair to judge a parent or grandparent who undoubtedly lived in a different society and considering human species has only been without war for a TOTAL of about 200 years, there are a lot of damaged souls out there.....
My mother‘s father was in and out of their lives. He had another family in Germany. My father‘s mother was an alcoholic, like her father, but she hid it well🙁
Avoiding conflict is a big one for me 😔
I also dissociate
My mum have bpd and my dad npd and I have both with aspd traits
in th womb trauma - maternal stress and physical stress
❤
I love your channel and appreciate your time shared and wisdom. Soooo much always resonates and yet I always STILL wonder what is my diagnosis?! I hate being the way that I am EQUALLY to loving the parts that I genuinely feel God gifted me. This video encompasses literally everything.
I want to have my parents in my life. My sister has pretty much washed her hands of them both as “ boundaries “ however I also think she’s a bitch and a self absorbed narcissist. She gives nothing unless it’s parallel to her pain so “ empathy “ is unhealthy commiserating. She is incapable of genuinely being happy for anyone else unless that joy relieves her of some guilt.
Do borderline parents make borderline kids? I believe they do and i do therapy every week im trying to prevent this going to the next generation.
Can you get re traumatized by your now elderly parents or is it just the same but amplified? Wondering if re introduction to an invalidating environment affects you as an adult child
Yes I would say it could re-activate child wounds and potentially create new adult wounds alongside - while theoretically we might have more resources to deal with their behavior -we may still be holding a very wounded child inside, we could have adult traumas, etc that could make dealing with them pretty activating- lots of boundaries can help somewhat - alongside added support if we can get it❤
My ex best friend told me that my issue is that I am too trusting and forgiving. She said I give people to many chances to hurt me. Then 2 weeks later after she betrayed me I had to let her go sonn no yeah I guess she was right
rest in peice