engulfed by narcissistic parents
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- Опубликовано: 15 янв 2024
- This video describes the experience, signs and impact of being raised by engulfing (vs ignoring) parents (very common in parents/caregivers who struggle with narcissistic, immature, borderline traits/diagnoses.)
Engulfment can make you feel like you are trapped in these relationships, often defined by experiencing good love and bad love (splitting, relationally/emotionally unstable, conditional dynamics).
Many over-involved parents display engulfment - on the inside it can feel smothering, suffocating and disallow a child of developing a separate sense of self and life. On the outside, it can look like a devoted, involved parent who "just wants the best for their child."
We explore signs of feeling trapped, engulfing dynamics, what to do to work on healing from engulfment --and end with journal questions you can use to further your healing journey from engulfing parents and relationships.
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"Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" K. McBride Phd
Toxic Parenting
"Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" - S. Forward Phd
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My bottom line advice to every person watching this:
Don't wait for your parents to die before you give yourself permission to live.
facts!!
Amen to that!!!
Truth! 🙏💖
Yep! Unfortunately, this HAS taken 50 years, the death of my mom and grandmother and navigating a new male relationship, although very positive, to fully realize what an overbearing father I have contended with.
@@karicastanza5216 It took watching my mom and her siblings fall into old patterns of treatment in settling (or failing to settle) my grandparents' estate. I discovered I couldn't count on them to have my back.
I did have a weird leg up in this, in that my parents had me young and have always been in great health (my health is more normal). So I've usually assumed they'll outlive me.
I'm glad you're seeing what you need to see, and I wish an amazing future for you. :-)
My control freak narcissistic nasty mother was entirely smothering like an obsessive stalker in every way possible while completely emotionally neglectful at the same time. I have been living the wonderful life of no contact for many years now! The worst damage that she did was to my nervous system that I am still to this day trying to undo what was done.
My mom used to go through my garbage. I felt that I had to erase all of my tracks around her. Did you ever feel that way? I think I developed some OCD from it? Being constantly hyper-vigilant to maintain some privacy? My OCD is much better now. It just flares sometimes when I am anxious. Have you ever felt that way? That you had to erase all of your tracks or movements?? It’s exhausting and depressing. I love my mom but her control and anxiety drove me through the roof. I thank God I am away from it now so I can breathe! Do you have any thoughts as to why she was like that? Did something happen to her? 🙏🙏
My parents insisted that all children need is food, clothing & a roof over their head & they said that frequently.
I'm so sorry - parenting is SO much more.🙏
At 57 my trauma is worse than ever. The anger and hurt is so great. Ty. I'm fighting to hang on.
OMG... Im right there with ya ... Mom is bed ridden and needs someone to take care of here... But some of the shit that comes out of her mouth.... i would have expected it out of my dad.,
Thanks for sharing. I’m struggling too with abusive dad… so hard but when I see comments here I know I’m not alone. Just knowing others here will understand without invalidating me is enough ❤
"The help came with such a price"- yes! Then I would be an indentured servant & my mother would NEVER forget that she had once helped me & how & when.
THIS..THIS RIGHT HERE... was my relationship with my mother... it was so hard when she passed... BUT!
I was excited for her passing because I could finally start living MY life !!
You are finally free! I hope you find your peace and happiness.
This pretty much describes my entire life and dynamic with my mother. Ever since I can remember it's always been "you and me" and not "You. Me." Most of my identity has been shaped around what makes her the happiest/calmest so I don't really know who I am. And the control, it's basically like Rapunzel and Mother Gothel from Tangled. Everything has been done to try and keep me dependent on her as much as possible and keep me from growing up. I can't leave the house without her permission/her being right there with me, I've not been allowed to get my license, I've not been allowed to get a job so I can have my own money, when I was having major trouble in school it was seen as no big deal cause if I got held back that just meant I had to depend on her longer, any friends I make are seen as threats and she tries to convince me to shove them away. But, I'm 22 now and have decided that enough is enough. I'm learning about narcissism and/or toxic family dynamics through videos like this, I'm trying to find out who I am and differentiate between what I like and what I was told to like, I'm thinking about the life I want and taking the first steps to get it, and I'm looking for work I can do and keep secret despite the heavy restrictions. It's not going to be easy to break away from her, but I have to for my own well-being.
I'm rooting for you! Don't know you, but felt touched by your journey, cause I know what it is like when family dynamics hinders our growth and makes it hard for us to find our authonomy and become independent in every level. It's awesome you're aware of it now and taking steps towards your freedom. I'm so happy for you and wishing you all the best!
the earlier you go no contact the better, slow exit, gain independence financially esp
I'm in the same boat as far as having a controlling narc mom and not being able to go no contact yet. I pictured my 20s as being a free independent woman chasing her dreams and instead I spent those years pleasing her, letting her control me, and being who she wanted me to be. I thought the control would let off once I was an adult but it's gotten worse. I still don't know how to be me but I plan on going no contact once I'm able. I wished I could've done so sooner. 😔
@@kimberlychristine9284I believe it’s my dad who is the narcissist although my mom has some of the same qualities. Like you I thought my 20’s would be a time to try out different places. Instead, for the majority of it I have felt trapped with my parents except for a few years. My parents believe I am not a capable driver but let my brother drive all he wants. I have figured out he is special to them & that they are determined to not let me attain my goals. This makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. Whatever bias they have against me, I just wish they could let it go. I accept this might not be the case. I will need to move out and then go no contact.
It’s the feeling of being consumed. I still struggle with people needing me, I really have to sit with those feelings a lot.
It never ceases to amaze me how well you articulate how I feel! I have spent 50 years of my life trying to merely appease my father! Wow! Thank you so much for this video! I am finally learning some truth.
My jaw dropped open when I heared you talk about bitching together with mom.
You see my therapist told me to make a "not to do/to do list" when feeling overwhelmed.
She told me Nr 1 on the not to do list should be: "Don't call your mom."
And I struggled understanding why. Bc on those moments I felt she was actually helpful.
It's pretty hard to supress the instinct to call her. But it makes a lot more sense now, that I shouldn't call her in bad moments.
Yes! The more I complain, the more she tried to separate us. She wanted me for her use only.
It's so hard. I succumbed again to this the other day b/c I was really upset about someone trying to control me. Her response was that _I_ like to be in control and that I'm overreacting ('How important is it?' is her go-to mantra). Ultimately I realized it was dismissive, and I again beat myself up for going to her for support.
Heh you a lucky. I am super scared to talk to her, would not call her myself😬can’t overcome this fear
Having SUCH a difficult day today. After FINALLY detaching and going No Contact - it sometimes feels like being a troubled teen at 60 years old.
The song "No Love At All" by B.J. Thomas comes to mind. He was like one of several stand-in Dads, of sorts. I loved his voice so - it was deep, but soft and gentle. And, that song, in particular, mimicked my feelings as a young girl. "No love at all is a troubled young girl - standing on a bridge at the end of the world. And that's a pretty short fall."
Thanks for the reference-I don't remember listening to B.J. Thomas, but checked him out and he did have an amazing voice! I didn't realize he sang 'Raindrops' in Butch Cassidy. Funny how you can hear a song and not really know who sings it.
THIS. IS. MY. SITUATION. so exhausting! she’s a FULL BLOWN psychosomatic:covert narc (mom). i care about her but hate her ways. ugh so hard
You have described my childhood so well. I had to go low contact, but she was still trying to start fights. No contact was my only option. Unfortunately, these parents also control the dynamics of the family. I had to leave the entire toxic family system. I am still trying to heal from all the abuse I have suffered. Thanks for validating my experience.❤
Yes, yes, yes. This describes my life pretty perfectly. The fact that I’m financially dependent on my parents, due to chronic health issues, makes it impossible for me to get out of this situation and to separate. I’ve lived my life feeling like I have no options. My parents control everything, and make all of my major decisions. I don’t have the space to hear myself think. Lack of financial resources makes it pretty impossible to solve problems.
Same, I can't pay my bills so my aunt helps me. All she does is my way or no way. I feel I will never get out of this situation.
I know it does - it's a big reason why we can be so trapped....sending support and love.
@@DrKimSage Thank you
@@Sunset-87 Yes, this kind of enmeshment is so rare - almost no one understands it.
This is 100% me and my mother. 😢
Dr Sage, your videos are so helpful. As a child of a borderline mother and a narcissistic father, I have suffered years of trauma trying to love and be loved by them. Understanding that it is okay to disconnect from them has facilitated a great deal of healing for me.
Describes perfectly of my covert narc mom who has played the single mom 'victim card' her entire life. She sabotaged my higher education, alienated my relationship with all 3 men in my life my dad and both brothers and left me all alone, supposedly dependent on her though i was the provider for years and she made me believe all my life she was the only person i had who cared for me, while she was only being fake nice to benefit from me. I carried so much pain and burden, feeling so alone in this world, at the same time had immense burden and guilt to provide for her (i was always the parent) and no matter what i do or how well i did, she would never acknowledge my success. eventually i came to realise how much she resents me because i was so much better than her in every way possible and i finally threw in the towel and walked away, taking back my power and feeling whole for the first time in my life. Remember you can find yourself another lover if you had a bad relationship, but you can never get another parent. It sucks, but it's validating to know i wasn't the only one with such painful experience.
It is painful. Inner child work has been really helpful to heal it.
@@rubberbiscuit99 absolutely, I’ve done a lot of healing work on myself too including self administered EMDR. It’s been life changing. I appreciate everyone who’s making an effort to heal ❤️
Wow, the part about the masking… yes I definitely have a version of myself that I’m willing to show my mother… and other parts that I keep private. But it’s also because she doesn’t know still to this day (and I’m 55 and she’s 80)… where she ends and I begin. So if I have a problem and talk to her about it, she takes it on as if it’s her problem too. And she gets all stressed out and upset with me for having the problem. My mother is most definitely undiagnosed BPD and I’m happy to say that I put very healthy boundaries between us now. I just still have to work through some of the anger and frustration. But as a young woman/teenager I was always looking for someone else to fill that mother role for me… like the women I babysat for etc. Because not only was I not really mothered or really seen or heard, but I had to be the mother and therapist. These are such difficult and complicated relationships! Thank you Dr. Sage for these wonderful videos. All the best to each of you as you navigate these difficult and crazy making relationships! 🙏🏻💕
PS - I was not an engulfing parent myself. But my poor child had an emotionally abusive NPD dad that we had to get away from. I’m proud of the way I parented, especially because it was through such difficult (well awful really) circumstances. But I’m just so sad that my son had that father. 😢 The good news is we got my son a play therapist and he was able to work through it, at least to some extent. And now he has decided at 31 he and his wife both do not want children. That may be for the best. So hopefully these patterns stop with us. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Oh my goodness-it sounds like you're describing my mom. Any time I have some issue, she finds a way to relate it back to herself (how _she_ had a similar problem). I know I can't fully be myself around her and share things b/c it just hurts too much.
I've also let my mother live with my husband and my kids snd I after my youngest brother passed away. She accused us of stealing from her when we payed for everything and took care of her. She called cops on us again accusing us of stealing from her bank.account which we had no access to. She was supposed to help me and i help her but iy was usually one sided.The last time happened 3 months ago. I cut her off moved and my life has been much easier. No drama and chaos. Narcissistic mothers can be pure evil
Thank you Dr Kim..it’s refreshing to see a therapist sharing their personal experiences. Many of us have had childhoods where there were parents who were abusive. I appreciate that there is hope for us to live wonderful whole lives. It’s people like you who truly give us hope. ..
You are probably the only one who really understands my situation, thank you for your videos.
Engulfed? How bout..."Surrounded?" How bout "Saturated?"... Cod-Locked would be probably more like it. "Cod Locked" is a British Billiards term very similar to Chess and "Check Mate."
You have just described how I feel about my parents. They might be the overt kind because they can persuade others they are nice. Then what is hidden is the fact they can control my reality. They like feeling in control and not letting me have it. So, yes sometimes I feel suffocated with fear of what their next step is. If I could choose I would go no contact soon but not cut off all my family. I believe there are people I can still trust who they have already cut off from. In fact family meetings never work in counselling & this is why. I believe one of them is narcissistic, although it changes who I believe to be, depending what is happening around the house.
I can really relate to your relationship with your mom. My life became much more peaceful after my mom passed. It was only then that I realized how much of my energy was entangled with hers.
Sorry you had to go through such pain, Dr. Kim.
Wow I feel so seen in this video. Normally I often feel like some video (from other RUclipsrs) about narcissistic moms is not a perfect fit, but I feel very seen here. Thank you. Hope you are well. Thanks for continuing to post these awesome and helpful videos. You help me and and you help so many others.
You just helped me understand some physical pain I have been in for almost a year now. Last February, I turned over in my bed, and my right hip became out of alignment. I have seen a chiropractor and a sports physiotherapist. Neither were able to help me to set it right.
I feel "trapped." By speaking about those of us who are currently living with the narc parent... I realise that I feel trapped, and that is why this pain is in my hip.
I am also aware that this is where we hold our unexpressed emotions. I am currently working to release those. And I am consciously and with intention stretching each night before I go to sleep. This has been helpful to allow me to release more.
Thank you for your videos, Dr. Kim. You are a blessing 🩷✨️🤍💫💜
My god did we have the same life my mother was all I had it is by the grace of God that I survived but I am so damaged that I will never be ok ... I am 64 she lived and completely took my life , I was to have nothing or no body and that is just the way it was... I am so scared but I am rising everyday . There is a lot of hope thankfully ..thank you so much you really touched me..
I can so relate to this
I let my emotionally immature mother and her narc husband go 2 years ago. I now get to heal all the BS they put me through. I understand they truly didn’t know what they were doing. I do know I am worth a lot more than what I’ve been through. They could not give that to me.
I am 53 yrs old and I HATE my dad Narc and my Ex husband Narcissist. I have to live with him because 3 yrs ago I had a “midlife” Crisis break and couldn’t work. I don’t ever remember feeling happy or joyful. I have lived my life in fight or flight. I don’t feel anything else. I have been going to therapy since my 20’s. I do need him financially but I have to get out. I have no friends because I have always been sooo needy and they get tired of me. I have been really trying to work on myself since I don’t know who I am. I don’t feel numb anymore but Nothing makes me happy except being around my young adult children. I realized I was and am a Great mom and Always there for them. I am trying to not be emeshed or codependent on them. I just tried to get some hobbies and dont get any joy from them either. Even when I lived alone or with others I was constantly in fear. I WANT to Heal Soooo bad and I am Soo afraid I will ever change or ever be happy. I am Not giving up and trying to see that the future will be a lot better.
It's such a cliche, but one day at a time....you are WORTHY of being free from fear.🙏
This is so off-topic (because I am not concerned here, but I love your videos) but you have wonderful taste in decor, it looks splendid ما شاء الله تبارك الله !
It's not another minimalist interior, yours is colourful and elegant, it reminds me of the "baroque" style (luxury vintage as well).
Yes, her decor is gorgeous and soothing.
@@RS54321 truly mashaa Allah ! I love it 💐
as a long-time listener, I want to say - thank you so much for everything you share with us. Your work has been helping me through life like no other's. You are an outstanding psychologist and a very strong and beautiful person♥
The day i came out of hospital with my newborn daughter… my dad called to congratulate and gave phone to my mom. I heard such ice cold silence on that end of the line. And then her saying “yes, what did you want to tell me?” I said… “I thought you wanted to tell me something” She said “No” and pretended she did not know i just gave birth. Now it’s clear to me that having a child was a threat to her. Geez, she is the only person on this planet who can make me cry.
And yes, i never NEVER had closer and warmer relationships with her but when i was going through a divorce… She was SO supportive. poor little me, I thought she finally saw a person in me but no 😅
I am now married for 10 years and she still has not acknowledged the existence of my husband. Was not at our wedding, does not want to talk to him.
My mother is a bipolar narcissist. She was abusive and neglectful my entire childhood. I moved away from her but this means she feels entitled to my home whenever she desires and her behavior is so awful, I usually go into a deep depression after her departure. She loves to criticize my appearance especially my weight ( even though I am the smallest of her offspring) I am her scapegoat. I tried to set a boundary with her when I bought my first house alone in my 40s. I can't have her scapegoating me in front of my teen son. I raised my voice and said No for the first time in my life. She packed up her stuff and left. She hasn't spoken to me in 2 years or her only grandchild. Instead she has chosen to disparage us to anyone that will listen. I had to block her on FB because she was adding all of my friends as part of her wicked campaign. It's really awful. Thank you for your videos. I feel less alone.
Now I know where my core wound around betrayal came from and the origins of my disorganized attachment style.
I feel that way about my father even after his death Also this is my family as well.
Thank you so very much for your videos. Omg I never knew what was wrong and why my mom just did not love me. She has this! I kept thinking maybe she’s bipolar, maybe she’s heading toward dementia? Maybe she is schizophrenic bipolar? Maybe she just really never loved me for some reason which hurts me to the core. I now know that her being number 14 child out of 15 may have made her feel neglected or maybe by chance spoiled by all her siblings? One thing for sure is I do know my grandmother was very strict with her and favored her sons (my uncles). Nonetheless she definitely fits this description of being a narcissist and now that I am 49 years old I am finding myself living with my mother who I never thought I’d do but because of the circumstances with finances here in California & as a newly single woman, I had no other choice. I now know I have to move out and on and will do just that. I don’t care about her saying one day I may have her home. I don’t care about money. I just want some peace once and for all. Peace is priceless.
I can really relate. It was tough. She was extremely clingy. And stalking.
I think empathic borderlines don't do this, only parents with narcissistic personality disorder. But they are often misdiagnosed. Victim narcissists can look similar to empathic borderlines, but empathics do recognize many more boundaries.
i’m going to look up the victim narcissist, this may be my mom afterall
Thank you
This is the right place
Will watch many more
I’m in!
I feel so trapped in my situation right now. My mom is disabled (and has severe depression) and is having a very serious surgery very soon and I just can’t leave her. I’m very sure she is a narcissist and I’ve been walking on eggshells my entire life. The way she violently switches moods, you never know what you’re going to get, and it’s exhausting. My dad has always been emotionally unavailable and when I talked to him about how she affects me, he says it’s best to go along with what she wants. So much of what they’ve done to me when I was a child has never been addressed and i don’t have the means to get therapy or go to a psychologist.
I’ve recently gotten married and my spouse and I both live with my parents while we’re going through college. Since my spouse has been living with us, he’s pointed out so much messed-ness with my relationship with my parents.
As a kid, we moved constantly and my dad was almost always at work so it was usually just me and my mom. I was tasked with taking care of my mom and looking after her when my dad couldn’t or he just gave up for a while. I had to make sure my mom didn’t hurt herself or do something else terrible. I had no idea what was happening to me but I knew I was constantly scared for my parents and of my parents. I developed a “school phobia” due to the fact I was too scared to go to school and come back to my mom not being there anymore and it would be my fault.
Now that I have my spouse, I talk to them most of the time about my struggles and how it’s always been with my parents. It’s been a really big struggle in our relationship with how I deal with my parents and how they treat me. I know once we move out and start our life together I’ll feel better but also so much worse. Better because I will feel so free, worse because I can’t take care of her constantly anymore. I still find myself wanting her love and comfort desperately but also wanting nothing more than to be free of her. I constantly feel guilty about doing things for myself or for my relationship with my spouse and best friend. I really don’t know how I made it without my partner helping me and I truly feel for those who have no one, no choices, besides your narcissistic parent.
There’s so much more I could write but this is already super long for a comment on a RUclips video. Anyway, since finding your channel and videos it’s been very helpful for me and my spouse. He doesn’t understand why or how I feel the way I do, to him the answer is simple. But I wasn’t able to explain why it isn’t simple at all for me. So thank you for making these videos, they’re so helpful and thank you for the work you do.
I think it is best if you move out asap. The Bible says that once we are married, we are to separate from our parents and that our spouse become our new immediate family. Maybe you both can live off campus together, or go part-time to college and work, or do online classes. But I think it’s imperative that you get out asap and maybe your spouse can work and go to college at the same time to help provide for you and the marriage! 🙏🙏
This is me. I'm 60 years old. She said to me when I was 6 years old, that she had cancer and was going to die. She is bipolar since I can remember. I have been her parent and referee between my controlling father and bipolar mother. Hell on earth. I told her if she died I wanted to die too. She then told me this again three weeks ago. The next day, somehow she became palliative, as per the staff at her home. She is 92 years old. All of the sudden she couldn't walk, or feed herself. I could see that she was milking all of the attention. (Which is a horrible thing to say) however, the last time I saw her, which was Sunday at lunch, she had woken up, dressed herself, and walked to the dining room. I told her that I no longer wanted to die when she dies, and then a few days ago, I blocked her number on my phone. I have never done this before and now I am having a very difficult time with coping. I am her POA and also her executor. Very difficult time indeed.
Thank you!!💓
Thank you Dr. Kim! Your videos are always enlightening and also just the tone of your voice calms and soothes my nervous system.
What I found really surreal to realize was how a very emotionally absent parent, that just lets you do whatever you feel like, can be even more engulfing than a more involved one. My father is that kinda parent. We grew up hearing that he was too shy and introverted to interact, but that we (kids) were his whole life, all he wanted was to be a father, etc., and he would show it through gifts, feeling proud of us (when we did sth "right")... And we could feel deeply how much he needed us emotionally. Result: I felt extremely guilty about growing up and leaving home. Still living with him. Only now, over 47 yrs-old, started to see these dynamics. Definitely feeling suffocated and trapped, but I'm gonna find my way out of this now. I've actually just talked about it on my last video, but had no idea it was a kind of engulfment.
Thank you so much for your videos, Dr. Kim! I can't get a therapist at the moment, but, Gosh, have they helped me! I ended up 11 yrs of narcissistic abuse from a partner because of your videos together with some other videos on the topic. A talk about you and how you've helped me in some videos I've been posting on YT. Thank you so much 🙏💓✨
Can 💯relate to this dynamic
Ah. Yes. Idk. I feel the Lord led you to share this with me. I feel as though I needed to hear and receive this info more then I EVER knew. Thanks again. GOD BLESS. ❤❤❤
Yeah. I believe I know what you are speaking of. I watched one of the version of the movies they made about it.
My mother. 💯
Thank you 🙏 Dr.Sage For Clarity & your Gift Inner Experience & Skill🎁 you Bring to the Table. How do we get in Contact with you for a Consultation & Type of insurance do you Accept?
Great video so far, but I don’t understand why you said that we shouldn’t post about a certain case here? Why would that be something bad if we did that? Can’t people explore their feelings on here even if it is about a case you referenced? I was confused about the meaning of that comment if someone or the creator of this video can explain? Thank you!
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why most psychologists single?
How much time do you have?:)
@@DrKimSage May be you are right. We come to this planet alone and when we die, we go alone.
But, I was wondering if there is something wrong with modern sciences. It seems like sometimes, what they preach do not work to themselves.
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