Compulsive caretaker was a label I wore for a longtime. As I did some healing I realized that it I do the push ups for them, they will never get the muscles for themselves. So I now stop and ask if it's my problem to solve. Often it's not my responsibility, so I step back and let them do for themselves. It's not my first instinct, but I'm getting better at it.
After years of mental and verbal abuse from BPD mother, at age 14, I was asked by a friend for an opinion on something and I realised that I had absolutely no idea of what having an opinion was. I was so battered and beaten down to an unworthy state of apathy that it was unthinkable that I had the right to my own opinion. It was such a foreign concept and I really struggled to form any original opinions on anything. So sad.
@@Mizzy132 ❤️takes time but how good does it feel when you realise you have the right to your own opinion and that you actually matter. It's life changing ☺️
Hallo Doctor Kim... i listen to all your videos and it all makes so much sense to me now... looking back at my life. I looked after my parents for 23 years. They had both cancers. Both died. I gave my life to them... Now at 48 it's really hard to live my own life. I never got married or had my own children... I realized that my childhood set me up for parentification... That's why i felt so responsible for my parents. I don't regret looking after them. I miss them. It sure makes me sad... Dad had schizophrenia and mum bad depression. I am a very sensitive soul... i have depression from childhood. Badly sexually abused by outer family members. Mum and dad never knew... They died without ever knowing the truth. Now i start to rebuild my life... I really learn allot from you. I just want to thank you... For what you give us here... HOPE... may you only be blessed in everything you do. 🌺💐🌸🌺💐🌸
Hi Kim, we are all, so very glad that you "show up" and give a voice and solace to so many of us. The warmth, clarity and kindness that you share is wonderful and i am so grateful for it. You have given us this calm, safe place in which to begin to heal. Thankyou Kim for all that you do and are ❤
Oh man - I live as though I might be moving in the next 5 minutes too and was just having this conversation with friends that feel similarly. It’s as though I’m half living and half expecting turmoil so I’m preparing for both simultaneously. Talk about next level hyper vigilance!
I'm just now as an adult realizing how enmeshed I am with my mom. I feel compelled to tell her everything about my life and I feel like I can't do anything unless I have her approval. And even feel guilty for doing something she doesn't agree with. It's so bad that I feel like I can't voice out loud that I like a certain actor or song if I know that she doesn't like it. It's weird cause she acts like I'm such a burden and stress her out yet if I mention living on my own she freaks out and claims that I must hate her and even has tears and will say she can't make it without me, then I feel guilty like I'm a bad daughter. Also dad is malignant narc, mom a covert narc. And I've realized that I don't know how to talk to people as myself. Ever since I was a child they told me what I should say and what I couldn't and all I know is how to be both of them around others. I realized that every decision I made was for them. I feel so lost from my real self. I will leave them once I'm able and will work hard to reclaim my identity.
I relate so hard to everything you said, including the moving out part! I’m finally moving out in a couple months and I’m looking forward to finally creating / reclaiming my identity. I hope you’ll be able to do the same sooner than later!
@@CarmenCarino89 Thank you for sharing your experiences. So sorry that you had to worry about that when you were young. Your words bring encouragement to me. I am definitely in the process of healing my inner child and discovering who I am. You are right about hobbies. I write a lot and feel most like the real me as I create characters and stories. But I'm hoping to try other hobbies too like dance, tennis, and editing to see if this feels like the real me too.
That must be unbearable but at least you are aware of what's really going on and don't blame yourself. Your mum should be excited for you to move out. Supportive and encouraging.
This hit me because I was wondering if my behavior was normal. A few night ago I woke up feeling sad all the sudden. I had this feeling I wanted to watch cartoons. Literally the cartoons I used to watch as a child: Barney, Cartoon Network. I did and cried a little too. I felt good and not guilty at all. But I wondered if it was normal for a grown woman.
Yes, that's what I do when I get that feeling. Cartoons, Disney and Nick Shows. Shows like Full House all bring me the comfort and warmth that I never got from my parents as a child.
I went no contact when I finally realized that my being authentic was the biggest threat to my mother. She didn't want me talking about my trauma, even stuff that didn't have anything to do with her. She actually said, "Just because something is true doesn't mean we should talk about it." She continuously called me "unkind" for talking about my trauma. I even tried to address that her attitude is not ok and she screamed at me to "STOP TALKING!" She was obsessed with the idea of looking perfect to other people, so she couldn't have a wounded child. That was when our relationship died.
You are telling my life story... Add in a Malignant Narcissist father & 3 sisters who are various iterations of our parents. Incredibly unstable home thru childhood. I couldn't wait to escape those people
It's incredible how so many of us relate to each other!!! It's both very comforting, and disturbing at the same time ...how can this be?? Take care everyone xx
I'm just watching this and crying. Patentified child here. Took care of me and my younger siblings. Never learned how to play. Was told I was responsible for my Deaf Mom. I never know how to respond when I am asked questions of the self. 46 and Still trying to learn who I am. ❤😢
Don't give up on learning who you are. I've heard it's a long journey but so worth it and also freeing. I've just started the journey to reclaiming or actually forming my identity. I've heard that the key is to listen to your inner child and give it what it needs. Sometimes I have days where I also myself to just dance to upbeat music in the house or play a spontaneous game outside or I'll ride my skates or scooter and just daydream. Other times if my inner child is hurting, I cuddle a pillow and warm blanket and watch old childhood shows that made me feel safe. And these days feel so healing.
Sending light and love. Try breathing technique to go inward: this practice brings inner space to see yourself. Not easy, it hurts. But is liberating and eventually you find healing. 🙏🏼
I also have to discover who I am. It's not enough to put boundaries in the exterior, I discover my emotional dependence, all the ways I was and am surviving. It's a tender spot to be.
That intro hit home. Part of me wants a better relationship with my parent but it doesn't last and they'll never change. I'm slowly putting up boundaries but it means little to no interaction. I'm coming to grips with trying to understand why I am the way I am and how influenced it is by my parent.
This is exactly what I am doing. I’ve found an amazing therapist and enjoying the freedom of doing what I want and knowing exactly who I am. I’ve gone no contact with my uBPD mom and the majority of my family. It’s been the best thing I’ve done for myself.
Thank you, this was very helpful. I just found your channel and it's so good to see someone who understands what I went through. I can now put names to some key things I've been unable to verbalise like hypervigilance, overreading, making meaning. I knew I was doing those things I just didn't know how to explain them. It's also immensely helpful to know I'm not special. I've been feeling a bit helpless because nobody really could understand and that kinda started to feel like there may be no cure for me. My therapist is helpful and I've made a lot of progress thanks to her but she's got her limitations.
You are not alone Dr Sage. My mother called me a piece of shit and threw tantrums since I was about 6 years old. I am not who I was supposed to be but I have survived with some joy and love left in my heart for myself thankfully. Your videos are so helpful. Thank you 🙏
i know EXACTLY what you’re talking about. i’m 40, and my psychosomatic covert narc mom drives me NUTS, but she’s also like a close friend at times. this made me cry some, thank you so much for your videos ❤
Excellent video and a very helpful conversation. Thank you for sharing examples from your own life that are relatable. You are so awesome Kim! Your Mother lost out really , as did mine from seeing how special you are. I had to guard my inner child from my Mom until the day she passed. I learn so much from you. Glad you bought the doll!!
So relate to having to protect your inner child from your mother. I have started to realise I have to do this also. So sad yet so essential to not be repeatedly minimised and invalidated ❤
I just wanted to say thank you so much, I listened to this while making food, and started sobbing but in a well needed very comforting space you have created. I feel very seen, and I definitely needed that this week.
I grew up in a family with a narcissistic mother and at least three narcissistic siblings. For much of my life, I tried to take on the responsibility of being the peacemaker of the dysfunctional mess. I used to try to please and pacify others in order to minimize the emotional outbursts that took place at home. Many times, my own personal needs were neglected. At 59 years old, I think it took my mother to pass on, to realize the depth of the mental abusive cycle we were all in. I will continue to seek truth and clarity to live a healthy life.
I always find your videos inspiring. I have an unclear sense of self due to my upbringing but I am learning to be gentler towards myself. I have a narcissistic father (no contact) & mother with undiagnosed mental health problems making me a people pleaser & compulsive caretaker leaving me exhausted. I am slowly learning that I have needs & to put these to the forefront of my interactions with family members. Thankyou for sharing your personal experiences it provides a clarity to the information you provide.
My Mom and Dad yelled and fought while they were taking care of my daughter. Those moments tore her soul apart; thanks God I finally realized and stopped sending her to them. I felt guilty for not lettint my parents be with their granddaughter, and I felt guilty for my daughter having to see their fights!
Your “ideal parent” technique is so helpful when trying to figure out who you really are. I even try to imagine the activities that my ideal parent and I would do together, how they would treat me/talk to me, the kinds of things that they would have done for me as a child (make sure homework is done and that I have all of my textbooks, get me ready for the day, make sure I have my water/lunchbox ready.) Then I try to do those things for MYSELF. Exactly as if I were the parent. It makes the pain of not having that as a child hurt a little less. Thank you, Dr. Kim Sage. You are truly a gem Edit: My room is very plain. No pictures on the walls, close to no color, only things that my mother has picked out for me without my input-exactly like my sense of self. I didn’t realize the two were connected until now
Thank you Kim, you're so right about everything. It's so very true. I been through this with both of my parents since they are both Narcissists. I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. I am a 47 female who is the oldest out of five children my parents had. I always been the black sheep in my family. My brothers and sisters are Narcissists Enablers. I went to Jesus cause of the abuse. Jesus is our hope. God is Love. I know my worth and values. My peace comes from God. I been a Christian for over ten years. I got support from my friends from church. God is great all the time. Greater is He that is in you than He who Is in the world. 1 John 4:4
Yep, the enmeshment is a real problem. The weird part is that intellectually and cognitively one understands that Mom or Dad had mental problems and it is a disease or personality disorder, however, it's hard to remember when or if you have been a target. So much effort with your own personal development is put on hold -- like who you really are -- to appease or at least not do something to trigger them -- which seems to be more random rather than casual.
This video exposed something I’ve been asking myself for many years. “The separate sense of self. The one we don’t get to develop in childhood. Just surviving.” Felt like a void, something wrong or missing. Can’t describe what this means to me. Thank you 🙏🏼
I wasn't my Mother, ever. Even when she was dying she was abusive to me. The night before and on the day. But not my Brothers. Just me. No, I am not my Mother & I never will be. I guess theres a clue in there somewhere. I am me and I always will be. Maybe thats why I was her scapegoat. Thank you Kim. Please keep on being you. Love Paul
You’re the only one who seems to get this. I always felt responsible for my mother, like it was up to me to fix her life. I never did and only recently have I come to understand that I never could fix her life. She seemed to have some sort of curse on her. I only lived my life in my head. I’ve never done anything; never married, never had children(that curse ended with me), never have had any kind of intimate relationship with anyone. My dad died when I was 4 and my stepdad(whom I had a good relationship with), had a rare form of dementia and was permanently committed to the state hospital when I was 12.
Hi Dr. Sage, Thank you for making these videos, and this one in particular. I needed today's episode so bad. When I saw the title, I knew I needed to watch it. I'm going to work on developing my separate sense of self instead of just being a meter reader and feeling responsible for every one else's emotions around me. Also, thank you for sharing about your struggle in not feeling like you are going to be moving in 5 minutes in your home. I'm on my 6th home in 14 years and all of the moves prior to this involved trauma, not choice. You are deeply appreciated. ❤💐 *edited for typo
I have watched many of your videos, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your work and being visible. You are very soothing and your wisdom and beauty are invaluable. You hep me heal Dr. KIM ! Thanks a lot 🥰❤
When you speak, it sounds like it's coming from someone who has genuine intentions on helping people get past their hurdles. Ty. I rewatch this vid on many occasions Stay AWESOME!!
I know exactly who I am! Being the 5th daughter in a family of 13 children, I am/was a nurturing Mother long before I became a Mother. I refused to allow my children to be involved with my Mother, because she was so overt with her favoritism of other grandchildren. I grew up without a Mother, so my experience of being a Mother to younger siblings was my groundwork for being a great mother. I was always more respectful of my Father and her Mother, who showed me LOVE. Now at age 70, I wonder looking back, was I mentally ill in survivor mode? I have always believed, my purpose in life is SERVICE, SERVICE to others.
I feel so grateful I have found you. My mother hurted me so much. I have been trying all my life to get over my chilhood traumas. You are such a nice person and you give me lots of courage and help Thank you so much❤
Birthdays, mothers day, Christmas and New year and her birthday. Hits me hard but I can't go back to her and it hits very hard. Every year her birthday comes, I can't call her or buy her presents because she was an abusive mother and will never change. 4 years no contact
I found u yesterday. I can’t stop listening. What you described has had so much weight and resonance to my personal situation and how life really feels. I have watched bout 5vids so far. Never thought I’d hear someone say they had moved as much as myself. How weird it is that ‘items’ can trigger memories even old clothes. The sensory memories ‘of when’ in them … many have been recycled now. I’m constantly acknowledging the memory and then allowing it to leave when decisions are ‘does this belong with me now’. Self atoning moments. Gradual and mostly greatful. Fibromyalgia/hypothyroidism/ anxiety/depression in extreme exhaustion and a never good enough complex has really got me down but truly that is the brain battle as logic says keep going!!! Ur doing ok 👌. Always hopeful and gaining perspective does empower the good vibes and helps everyone around me also. Mood really matters and I have been straight forward and taken a mirror to the whys that point to self. Growing never stops.
this spoke to me so much. i am in the process of healing from a big full on narcissistic attack from my dad, and a lot of enmeshment trauma in my family, and this was like reading my thoughts in a lot of parts. I remember my best friend made me take the enneagram test but also explained that you can pick your own based on what motivates you and what fears you have. so i tested as an enneagram 9, the peacemaker, but when i considered my motivations i was a 5, the investigator. and i realized first that i didn't want to be a 9, i didn't feel that was my role. i reacted that way out of a heavy sense of shame if people weren't getting along, or if i was upset with someone but felt like i couldn't tell them or i would lose the relationship. it was all childhood trauma shit. but also my traits that i prize in the 5 are all hypervigilance related and driven by my need to be alert to the moods in my house, and hide my own emotions because I couldn't express them without mockery and derision. So truly, I'm kind of just letting the dust settle and making some moves that feel more intuitive to me. and showing up and being present to my emotions as they happen, hopefully.
Thank you for sharing your story. I've never heard someone else say the same thing as me. Some days I say to myself, "why don't I talk to my mom again?" And those are the days I feel guilty bc I crave her bc I miss her smile and her connection with me, yet I know if I rekindle that connection, the same cycle is going to continue.
I'm glad I found this doctor my mother was the same way my sister lives in her old house it was tough on both of us we were totally powerless against our mother.
Ieft my hometown when I was 15.5 so I do remember most good things and didn’t stick around to have bad feelings! and i usually avoided any bitter things. Now I m learning to actually react to bitter things and don’t accept anything from others at work neighbours colleagues
There were a couple of things you said that literally made me freeze because it described exactly what I experienced as a child, and even now as an almost 30-year-old adult. I never saw my parents as abusive, and I still don't think they are as bad as what a lot of other people with BPD parents go through. But there have been many little things throughout all of your videos that make me believe my mother more than likely has undiagnosed BPD. She's been to therapy before for being in an extremely abusive relationship with her mother (my grandmother was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive to my mother), but she's not been to therapy for anything else. In fact, she's always stated that she doesn't need therapy because she's dealt with her demons... I might beg to differ, but let me explain. My mom is a sweet, loving mother, but she has her angry moments, too. She's never once physically hurt me or any of my siblings, but she's said some nasty things to and about me and my brother. She ALWAYS spoke about my dad to us behind his back about something he did that ticked her off, had adult conversations with us at a very young age (I was 7, my brother was around 8), usually about things like r*pe and abuse that my niece and nephew at the time had experienced. She ALWAYS talked about how much my brother with ADHD drove her up the wall, and she often asked my advice or thoughts on a lot of adult scenarios. I often questioned what she said about me to my brother or other people when I wasn't around. I tried so hard to be the "good girl" to seek her approval, even at the expense of my needs like playing or eating. I even remember asking her at the end of every day "Was I good today?" and having my heart sink when she often said, "For the most part." On top of that, she has lupus, so she often needed help with taking care of the house and animals (we lived on a small farm), which made her random angry outbursts all the more hurtful and confusing because how could I be upset when she was so upset because of the amount of pain she was in? I felt selfish and ashamed of myself for feeling the way I did all the time because of that mindset. And even though I'd worked throughout the week to make sure the house and yard were up to her standards, it only took 1 day for me not to do anything (either because of sickness or being out with a friend all day) and she would be mad all day. She's never sworn to or at me, but she's called me "slow" and "unreliable" because I could never keep up with her "go, go, go" mentality, and it felt nearly impossible to finish any kind of project because I'm neurodivergent, though I've never been officially diagnosed. Plus, I put her needs above my own every single day, so my own projects were often sacrificed for what I call keeping up appearances (basically, making sure my personal hygiene was kept up to a certain standard I set for myself due to perfectionism so she wouldn't make hurtful comments). I'm not sure if I'm making sense. I guess what I'm asking is this: Does my mother sound like the typical BPD parent, or is this something I'm not comprehending as someone on the spectrum? I really don't think my mom is a bad person, but I also cannot deny how your videos have really struck a cord with some of what I've experienced over the years. Or maybe I just need someone to let me know my feelings are valid, I don't know.
No one person is all bad, but that doesn't mean they arent abusing you. If someone's story of abuse resonates with you, I think you know in your heart the truth. It just takes time to accept the fuller picture.
@@Hannerloo Thank you so much for this. I've been reading over my comment thinking that if my mom ever knew that I aired out our dirty laundry to the internet, especially about her shortcomings, she would be heartbroken and very upset. But I'm kind of desperate, since we live in a very rural area with no easy access or financial support for a therapist, and Dr. Kim is the closest I've found to a therapist in regards to my relationship with my mother. I never thought I'd say this, as someone who is neurodivergent and tries to be as authentic as possible, but in this instance I'm so grateful for being anonymous so no one ever has to know who I am or who my mom is because I don't want to hurt her. And this would devastate her if she found out.
@@manaspajamas5071 I understand holding this level of fear. I left my family abruptly when my mental and physical health couldn't take it anymore. but I understand needing to be heard while also not being seen... I hope you can keep fighting for your peace and that eventually, you are in a place like me where at the least, you have distance to process and grieve what pain you've clearly been through. But here's some unsolicited advice, letting someone face the consequences of their own actions is not hurting them. they have done the damage themselves and now, it is time for them to reap.
Wow. ❤️ I can relate and am experiencing the heartache now. Every time I try to find my sense of self, reality smacks me in the face saying I am not mentally able or capable of being what I long for... Belonging and validation I am good enough.
Dr Kim…I just want to say I found you randomly on my home page and the universe sent you at the perfect time for what you provide and speak on. I’ve watched about 5 videos so far and it all resonates SO much w/my life experiences! I also enjoy hearing the experience of others and you do an excellent job..truly.
I don’t know why but for some reason I can hear you….. can hear what you’re saying. It’s a first in a Lifetime of therapy. Perhaps it’s because you share, and are educated enough to share responsibly. I trust you. Amazing.🤜🤛
Honestly I was more emotionally invested in my legos and computer games than my life. Literally those were only things that brought any joy in my earl years in life.
So interesting and thank you for illuminating the nuances! I have always had the sad experience of making big life decisions then almost like I wake up one day and wonder how I got there. What you’re describing seems to fit. I make decisions and move forward based in a false self then at a later point it never seems to fit. So unsettling.
It’s my 48th birthday today (3rd birthday no contact from my narcissist mother and brother) and I honestly don’t even know what to treat myself with. I feel so depressed and have hid from all my birthday invites from good people, I just did it again and wanted to be alone today. ❤
Thank you for this I never understood what caused me to be so different from everyone I don't know who I am or what I want to be your talking about everything I have ever felt or been through I've never knew anyone else went through that
This is my mother and I do have contact of course not to my mother standards . My problem is I’m the only one my mother has 😞 my brother barely speaks to her and she’s an only child. I’m 55 and she’s 78 and feels terrible all the time, I’m pretty positive her mental health has changed for the worse. Between My mom and my husband I’m a complete mess it’s a shit show😵💫 I’m riddled with anxiety and illnesses. Thanks to you I know where it all came from and I recently started therapy however my moms sadness and helplessness is strangling me!!! It’s to late for me to walk away, that would kill me as well but she’s gotten so much worse as she’s gotten older!!! ❤️❤️❤️ thanks so much 🤞✌️🌹
Yes SO helpful... the Narcisistic psychotic violent mother, alcoholic father and then a snarky constant ridicule and criticism in a 20 year marriage... and before that constant criticism and ridicule of nuns in elementary school. LUCKY TO BE ALIVE NOW
You give me such Cancer Vibes 😂 I'm glad I discovered your channel and I wish there were more therapists like you around these parts ! I think the hardest part about starting therapy is finding the person you feel will truly understand you and help you, who you can trust. Anyways, thank you for sharing your knowledge, thoughts, feelings, and beautiful face and Spirit with us all!
I have just found your channel and everything and it feels like you are describing my life! I feel so sad and lost and irreparably broken - I have just realised I am a co-dependent mother and I don't know how to fix myself. 😢 Bless you for your wonderful videos. ❤
I need to do better about taking care of my physical self 😕 I feed my pets in the morning and sometimes won't eat anything myself until around 11/11:30 🙈
You are such an inspiration, a beautiful person inside and out 💖 What you went through and how you use it to help others. I am working on what you talk about and trying to be more playful yet directional in my life. Slowly gathering my own savings, investing my time in learning and growing. I can feel the shift in sense of self that the autonomy is giving me. I recently discovered MBTI and INFJ. It has me on a whole new path of discovery I'd love to know your thoughts on..does INFJ personality type link to CPTSD, is it innate or our environment. Like CPTSD descriptions, the more I learn about INFJ the more 'normal' I feel, its like so much is clicking in to place. As you say, we are so good at reading and understanding others, yet in many ways don't know ourselves at all. Thank you for all you do and enjoy your summer time with your family ❤
INFP here and I also suffer from complex PTSD from narc abuse. Learning my personality type was so validating for me as I learned the reason I'm so different from others and need more alone time is because I have a rare personality. Myers Briggs has helped me know me better. I also learned that I'm a highly sensitive person HSP and that HSP and introverted feeling types struggle more and are more sensitive to any kind of abuse whether it be emotional, verbal, psychological, and etc. And it is usually the sensitive feeling child that is scapegoated by narcissistic parents I'm so glad to hear that you're on the path to self discovery. Wishing you the best. 🙏
@@kimberlychristine9284 I relate to what you say so much. I will definitely learn more about MB, already I am finding it so helpful to work through my past and as you say, so validating. It also makes alot sense that certain personality types could be scapegoated and how that could link to CPTSD. I'm sorry for what you experienced. Sending you love and healing ❤️
I’m so glad I found you , your story is so similar to mine , I have found a great therapist who has helped me so much but I still find myself struggle itch some things , thank you again , ene as far as I have come with my therapy, my mom still terrifies me at times , I see my growth and I embrace that .
I read quite a few comments of parentified children however I feel like I'm on the other end.. like I'm not allowed to grow up, become my own person that cares about her appearence at home or other things.. it's a very weird feeling..
I went no contact with my abusive Mother 7 years ago but she continues to do a smear campaign on me to keep me down. She’s mad I am trying to have a life without her. Where was she when I was 2 screaming in my crib?
So deeply grateful for your sharing and wisdom Dr Kim. Your other video on being in trance from trauma made me ball my eyes out . In a great way was such a release. I felt so seen. Thank you for your care and hunanity and encouragement. Ive chosen hiking as my new thing that allows me to enjoy sometbing purely for me. And have loved saying no without iver explaining ❤
My mother had a lot of underlying mental illnesses. There were a lot of ups and downs during my childhood. I had to learn at a very early age to constantly walk on eggshells to stay out of the cross hairs. I watched how she treated my siblings and her ex fiance. She would constantly be arguing with him for no reason every single day. She would belittle both him and my siblings at home and in public. I was her favorite and never got treated as bad compared to my siblings until I came out as gay. When I came out to her she said she didn't raise me this way, I'm going to hell, and I'm going to die of AIDS. It was rough after that for three years. She ended up being diagnosed with lung cancer and passed three years after me coming out. We never fixed our relationship because she would remind me time and time again that she didn't raise me to be gay. It's going to be ten years since her passing. Every day I do think that maybe she would have come around but I still feel like a failure in her eyes. I'm 29 and will be turning 30 in around two months and it just feels like I've spent my entire 20's dealing with regret and shame.
I will always be in survival mode because I'm bound to my abusers by disability and the rest of my family basically views me no much different than an object
Struggling with this so much. Love your channel and get a lot of support from it. I find it difficult tho to read the pink words that come up on the screen and fade too quickly.
I also remember her walking out of therapy when I was about 6. No one else remembers it. We’re we there because of me. I was the bad one. My sister still says how terrible I was. I don’t talk to her anymore. My parents never call me. I have had issues in this family too. I don’t k ow of , husband is also a narcissist. Or maybe it is me. I hurt m daughter
My parents use to argue ALLL the time and i would spend alot of my time in my room or outside... Once outside, I would not come home till i had to...when i got my bike and was old enough to ride around on the rd it was like hyperspace.. I would be out and gone all day...
Mine argued too. And then I argued with my husband in front of my daughter. I messed her up. She doesn’t like me now. I don’t know if my husband is narcissistic
@@cindysmith1700 moms in her upper 80's and there is just no filter... I feel like i was when i was 16 and just wanted out. I dont want to come home after work i just want to go on a vacation and just not come back.
@@cindysmith1700 shes got dementia setting in and omg its unbearable at times... Dad had before he died and he became soo gentle. I never saw my dad so verbally gentle like that... I wish i had more time with him like that...
Who or what causes parents to turn against their own children? I know it happens and there usually are several factors and/or causes. "We love you but we think you're no good."
Compulsive caretaker was a label I wore for a longtime. As I did some healing I realized that it I do the push ups for them, they will never get the muscles for themselves. So I now stop and ask if it's my problem to solve. Often it's not my responsibility, so I step back and let them do for themselves. It's not my first instinct, but I'm getting better at it.
After years of mental and verbal abuse from BPD mother, at age 14, I was asked by a friend for an opinion on something and I realised that I had absolutely no idea of what having an opinion was. I was so battered and beaten down to an unworthy state of apathy that it was unthinkable that I had the right to my own opinion. It was such a foreign concept and I really struggled to form any original opinions on anything. So sad.
❤
I feel ya ❤
Same when people ask my opinion on something I got anxiety trying to figure out the right answer. I’m unlearning that now.
@@Mizzy132 ❤️takes time but how good does it feel when you realise you have the right to your own opinion and that you actually matter. It's life changing ☺️
@@isafreche8 yes! Definitely feels like my life is for me know and I’m living for myself not others.
Hallo Doctor Kim... i listen to all your videos and it all makes so much sense to me now... looking back at my life. I looked after my parents for 23 years. They had both cancers. Both died. I gave my life to them... Now at 48 it's really hard to live my own life. I never got married or had my own children... I realized that my childhood set me up for parentification... That's why i felt so responsible for my parents. I don't regret looking after them. I miss them. It sure makes me sad... Dad had schizophrenia and mum bad depression. I am a very sensitive soul... i have depression from childhood. Badly sexually abused by outer family members. Mum and dad never knew... They died without ever knowing the truth. Now i start to rebuild my life... I really learn allot from you. I just want to thank you... For what you give us here... HOPE... may you only be blessed in everything you do. 🌺💐🌸🌺💐🌸
Hi Kim, we are all, so very glad that you "show up" and give a voice and solace to so many of us. The warmth, clarity and kindness that you share is wonderful and i am so grateful for it. You have given us this calm, safe place in which to begin to heal. Thankyou Kim for all that you do and are ❤
Oh man - I live as though I might be moving in the next 5 minutes too and was just having this conversation with friends that feel similarly. It’s as though I’m half living and half expecting turmoil so I’m preparing for both simultaneously. Talk about next level hyper vigilance!
I'm just now as an adult realizing how enmeshed I am with my mom. I feel compelled to tell her everything about my life and I feel like I can't do anything unless I have her approval. And even feel guilty for doing something she doesn't agree with. It's so bad that I feel like I can't voice out loud that I like a certain actor or song if I know that she doesn't like it.
It's weird cause she acts like I'm such a burden and stress her out yet if I mention living on my own she freaks out and claims that I must hate her and even has tears and will say she can't make it without me, then I feel guilty like I'm a bad daughter.
Also dad is malignant narc, mom a covert narc. And I've realized that I don't know how to talk to people as myself. Ever since I was a child they told me what I should say and what I couldn't and all I know is how to be both of them around others. I realized that every decision I made was for them.
I feel so lost from my real self. I will leave them once I'm able and will work hard to reclaim my identity.
I relate so hard to everything you said, including the moving out part! I’m finally moving out in a couple months and I’m looking forward to finally creating / reclaiming my identity. I hope you’ll be able to do the same sooner than later!
!!!!
@@CarmenCarino89 Thank you for sharing your experiences. So sorry that you had to worry about that when you were young. Your words bring encouragement to me. I am definitely in the process of healing my inner child and discovering who I am. You are right about hobbies. I write a lot and feel most like the real me as I create characters and stories. But I'm hoping to try other hobbies too like dance, tennis, and editing to see if this feels like the real me too.
Start ASAP.
Couse ther programs are inside us; its a long journey. 🍀
That must be unbearable but at least you are aware of what's really going on and don't blame yourself. Your mum should be excited for you to move out. Supportive and encouraging.
This hit me because I was wondering if my behavior was normal. A few night ago I woke up feeling sad all the sudden. I had this feeling I wanted to watch cartoons. Literally the cartoons I used to watch as a child: Barney, Cartoon Network. I did and cried a little too. I felt good and not guilty at all. But I wondered if it was normal for a grown woman.
@@googygrant thanks and i appreciate you sharing your story.
Yes, that's what I do when I get that feeling. Cartoons, Disney and Nick Shows. Shows like Full House all bring me the comfort and warmth that I never got from my parents as a child.
@@kimberlychristine9284 so nice to relate to someone else 🤍
I went no contact when I finally realized that my being authentic was the biggest threat to my mother. She didn't want me talking about my trauma, even stuff that didn't have anything to do with her. She actually said, "Just because something is true doesn't mean we should talk about it." She continuously called me "unkind" for talking about my trauma. I even tried to address that her attitude is not ok and she screamed at me to "STOP TALKING!" She was obsessed with the idea of looking perfect to other people, so she couldn't have a wounded child. That was when our relationship died.
Look at John Bradshaw’s work- my parents’ shame is what keeps them from validating my experience
You are telling my life story... Add in a Malignant Narcissist father & 3 sisters who are various iterations of our parents. Incredibly unstable home thru childhood. I couldn't wait to escape those people
I hear you. As soon as my mom died I moved across the country to get away.
Take care that you didn’t bring them with you
It's incredible how so many of us relate to each other!!! It's both very comforting, and disturbing at the same time ...how can this be?? Take care everyone xx
I'm just watching this and crying. Patentified child here. Took care of me and my younger siblings. Never learned how to play. Was told I was responsible for my Deaf Mom. I never know how to respond when I am asked questions of the self. 46 and Still trying to learn who I am. ❤😢
Don't give up on learning who you are. I've heard it's a long journey but so worth it and also freeing. I've just started the journey to reclaiming or actually forming my identity.
I've heard that the key is to listen to your inner child and give it what it needs. Sometimes I have days where I also myself to just dance to upbeat music in the house or play a spontaneous game outside or I'll ride my skates or scooter and just daydream. Other times if my inner child is hurting, I cuddle a pillow and warm blanket and watch old childhood shows that made me feel safe. And these days feel so healing.
🌸💐🌺🌸
❤❤❤
You are not alone ❤
Sending light and love. Try breathing technique to go inward: this practice brings inner space to see yourself. Not easy, it hurts. But is liberating and eventually you find healing. 🙏🏼
I know this pain all too well. You never fully get over missing never having the true love of a mother.
I also have to discover who I am. It's not enough to put boundaries in the exterior, I discover my emotional dependence, all the ways I was and am surviving. It's a tender spot to be.
That intro hit home. Part of me wants a better relationship with my parent but it doesn't last and they'll never change. I'm slowly putting up boundaries but it means little to no interaction. I'm coming to grips with trying to understand why I am the way I am and how influenced it is by my parent.
This is exactly what I am doing. I’ve found an amazing therapist and enjoying the freedom of doing what I want and knowing exactly who I am. I’ve gone no contact with my uBPD mom and the majority of my family. It’s been the best thing I’ve done for myself.
Same here, it has meant little to no contact here and there is a sort of emptiness in some ways, maybe from going to enmeshment to nothing.
@@ballinpeppa going from enmeshment to nothing - That's how it feels for me too.
I moved 32 times...crazy.
Thank you, this was very helpful. I just found your channel and it's so good to see someone who understands what I went through. I can now put names to some key things I've been unable to verbalise like hypervigilance, overreading, making meaning. I knew I was doing those things I just didn't know how to explain them. It's also immensely helpful to know I'm not special. I've been feeling a bit helpless because nobody really could understand and that kinda started to feel like there may be no cure for me. My therapist is helpful and I've made a lot of progress thanks to her but she's got her limitations.
You are not alone Dr Sage. My mother called me a piece of shit and threw tantrums since I was about 6 years old. I am not who I was supposed to be but I have survived with some joy and love left in my heart for myself thankfully. Your videos are so helpful. Thank you 🙏
❤❤❤
I'm so happy I found your channel. This is a great topic. Be an only child of a single parent, I was on guard, and I still feel like that at 52.
i know EXACTLY what you’re talking about. i’m 40, and my psychosomatic covert narc mom drives me NUTS, but she’s also like a close friend at times. this made me cry some, thank you so much for your videos ❤
Your authenticity is inspiring and make me feel less lonely. 💜 You're a strong woman.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ my heart wants to give you a big hug, thanking for sharing and helping me feel so seen and heard
I am glad that I am pursuing what I want to do now and not living out my mother's dream for what my career would be.
Excellent video and a very helpful conversation. Thank you for sharing examples from your own life that are relatable. You are so awesome Kim! Your Mother lost out really , as did mine from seeing how special you are. I had to guard my inner child from my Mom until the day she passed. I learn so much from you. Glad you bought the doll!!
So relate to having to protect your inner child from your mother. I have started to realise I have to do this also. So sad yet so essential to not be repeatedly minimised and invalidated ❤
I can’t wait to get to a place where my family can’t hurt me anymore. I’m working on it 😊
It's like you're speaking the language of my soul. Thank you for making this ❤
I just wanted to say thank you so much, I listened to this while making food, and started sobbing but in a well needed very comforting space you have created. I feel very seen, and I definitely needed that this week.
I grew up in a family with a narcissistic mother and at least three narcissistic siblings. For much of my life, I tried to take on the responsibility of being the peacemaker of the dysfunctional mess. I used to try to please and pacify others in order to minimize the emotional outbursts that took place at home. Many times, my own personal needs were neglected. At 59 years old, I think it took my mother to pass on, to realize the depth of the mental abusive cycle we were all in. I will continue to seek truth and clarity to live a healthy life.
Narcs always ruin Christmas. It’s their thing.
I always find your videos inspiring. I have an unclear sense of self due to my upbringing but I am learning to be gentler towards myself. I have a narcissistic father (no contact) & mother with undiagnosed mental health problems making me a people pleaser & compulsive caretaker leaving me exhausted. I am slowly learning that I have needs & to put these to the forefront of my interactions with family members. Thankyou for sharing your personal experiences it provides a clarity to the information you provide.
My Mom and Dad yelled and fought while they were taking care of my daughter. Those moments tore her soul apart; thanks God I finally realized and stopped sending her to them. I felt guilty for not lettint my parents be with their granddaughter, and I felt guilty for my daughter having to see their fights!
Your “ideal parent” technique is so helpful when trying to figure out who you really are. I even try to imagine the activities that my ideal parent and I would do together, how they would treat me/talk to me, the kinds of things that they would have done for me as a child (make sure homework is done and that I have all of my textbooks, get me ready for the day, make sure I have my water/lunchbox ready.) Then I try to do those things for MYSELF. Exactly as if I were the parent. It makes the pain of not having that as a child hurt a little less. Thank you, Dr. Kim Sage. You are truly a gem
Edit: My room is very plain. No pictures on the walls, close to no color, only things that my mother has picked out for me without my input-exactly like my sense of self. I didn’t realize the two were connected until now
I immediately started to cry upon starting this .
This has brought such an awareness to my unspoken words. Thank you 🙏🏽
Thank you Kim, you're so right about everything. It's so very true. I been through this with both of my parents since they are both Narcissists. I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. I am a 47 female who is the oldest out of five children my parents had. I always been the black sheep in my family. My brothers and sisters are Narcissists Enablers. I went to Jesus cause of the abuse. Jesus is our hope. God is Love. I know my worth and values. My peace comes from God. I been a Christian for over ten years. I got support from my friends from church. God is great all the time. Greater is He that is in you than He who Is in the world. 1 John 4:4
Yep, the enmeshment is a real problem. The weird part is that intellectually and cognitively one understands that Mom or Dad had mental problems and it is a disease or personality disorder, however, it's hard to remember when or if you have been a target. So much effort with your own personal development is put on hold -- like who you really are -- to appease or at least not do something to trigger them -- which seems to be more random rather than casual.
I can totally relate
This video exposed something I’ve been asking myself for many years. “The separate sense of self. The one we don’t get to develop in childhood. Just surviving.” Felt like a void, something wrong or missing. Can’t describe what this means to me. Thank you 🙏🏼
Thank you very mutch for this. I am 65 years old and now I am afther al this years I being my self. Greats from the Netherlands ❤.
I wasn't my Mother, ever. Even when she was dying she was abusive to me. The night before and on the day. But not my Brothers. Just me. No, I am not my Mother & I never will be. I guess theres a clue in there somewhere. I am me and I always will be. Maybe thats why I was her scapegoat. Thank you Kim. Please keep on being you. Love Paul
You’re the only one who seems to get this. I always felt responsible for my mother, like it was up to me to fix her life. I never did and only recently have I come to understand that I never could fix her life. She seemed to have some sort of curse on her.
I only lived my life in my head. I’ve never done anything; never married, never had children(that curse ended with me), never have had any kind of intimate relationship with anyone. My dad died when I was 4 and my stepdad(whom I had a good relationship with), had a rare form of dementia and was permanently committed to the state hospital when I was 12.
Hi Dr. Sage, Thank you for making these videos, and this one in particular. I needed today's episode so bad. When I saw the title, I knew I needed to watch it. I'm going to work on developing my separate sense of self instead of just being a meter reader and feeling responsible for every one else's emotions around me. Also, thank you for sharing about your struggle in not feeling like you are going to be moving in 5 minutes in your home. I'm on my 6th home in 14 years and all of the moves prior to this involved trauma, not choice. You are deeply appreciated. ❤💐
*edited for typo
It's like you are talking about me. I'm 56 and still don't know who I am separate from my mom who passed 27 years ago. 😢
I have watched many of your videos, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your work and being visible. You are very soothing and your wisdom and beauty are invaluable. You hep me heal Dr. KIM ! Thanks a lot 🥰❤
When you speak, it sounds like it's coming from someone who has genuine intentions on helping people get past their hurdles. Ty. I rewatch this vid on many occasions Stay AWESOME!!
Listening to you I feel like a window has opened to my soul. So excited for the possibilities of my journey to self…💗
I know exactly who I am! Being the 5th daughter in a family of 13 children, I am/was a nurturing Mother long before I became a Mother.
I refused to allow my children to be involved with my Mother, because she was so overt with her favoritism of other grandchildren.
I grew up without a Mother, so my experience of being a Mother to younger siblings was my groundwork for being a great mother.
I was always more respectful of my Father and her Mother, who showed me LOVE. Now at age 70, I wonder looking back, was I mentally ill in survivor mode?
I have always believed, my purpose in life is SERVICE, SERVICE to others.
I feel so grateful I have found you. My mother hurted me so much. I have been trying all my life to get over my chilhood traumas. You are such a nice person and you give me lots of courage and help Thank you so much❤
Birthdays, mothers day, Christmas and New year and her birthday. Hits me hard but I can't go back to her and it hits very hard. Every year her birthday comes, I can't call her or buy her presents because she was an abusive mother and will never change. 4 years no contact
I found u yesterday. I can’t stop listening. What you described has had so much weight and resonance to my personal situation and how life really feels. I have watched bout 5vids so far. Never thought I’d hear someone say they had moved as much as myself. How weird it is that ‘items’ can trigger memories even old clothes. The sensory memories ‘of when’ in them … many have been recycled now. I’m constantly acknowledging the memory and then allowing it to leave when decisions are ‘does this belong with me now’. Self atoning moments. Gradual and mostly greatful.
Fibromyalgia/hypothyroidism/ anxiety/depression in extreme exhaustion and a never good enough complex has really got me down but truly that is the brain battle as logic says keep going!!! Ur doing ok 👌. Always hopeful and gaining perspective does empower the good vibes and helps everyone around me also. Mood really matters and I have been straight forward and taken a mirror to the whys that point to self. Growing never stops.
Wow this video was so beautiful and helpful, I’m going to listen to it again
this spoke to me so much. i am in the process of healing from a big full on narcissistic attack from my dad, and a lot of enmeshment trauma in my family, and this was like reading my thoughts in a lot of parts. I remember my best friend made me take the enneagram test but also explained that you can pick your own based on what motivates you and what fears you have. so i tested as an enneagram 9, the peacemaker, but when i considered my motivations i was a 5, the investigator. and i realized first that i didn't want to be a 9, i didn't feel that was my role. i reacted that way out of a heavy sense of shame if people weren't getting along, or if i was upset with someone but felt like i couldn't tell them or i would lose the relationship. it was all childhood trauma shit. but also my traits that i prize in the 5 are all hypervigilance related and driven by my need to be alert to the moods in my house, and hide my own emotions because I couldn't express them without mockery and derision. So truly, I'm kind of just letting the dust settle and making some moves that feel more intuitive to me. and showing up and being present to my emotions as they happen, hopefully.
Thank you for sharing your story. I've never heard someone else say the same thing as me. Some days I say to myself, "why don't I talk to my mom again?" And those are the days I feel guilty bc I crave her bc I miss her smile and her connection with me, yet I know if I rekindle that connection, the same cycle is going to continue.
This was my last therapy session.
Thank you Dr Kim 😢🥹🤦🏽♀️🙏🏽
I'm glad I found this doctor my mother was the same way my sister lives in her old house it was tough on both of us we were totally powerless against our mother.
Ieft my hometown when I was 15.5 so I do remember most good things and didn’t stick around to have bad feelings! and i usually avoided any bitter things. Now I m learning to actually react to bitter things and don’t accept anything from others at work neighbours colleagues
There were a couple of things you said that literally made me freeze because it described exactly what I experienced as a child, and even now as an almost 30-year-old adult. I never saw my parents as abusive, and I still don't think they are as bad as what a lot of other people with BPD parents go through. But there have been many little things throughout all of your videos that make me believe my mother more than likely has undiagnosed BPD. She's been to therapy before for being in an extremely abusive relationship with her mother (my grandmother was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive to my mother), but she's not been to therapy for anything else. In fact, she's always stated that she doesn't need therapy because she's dealt with her demons... I might beg to differ, but let me explain.
My mom is a sweet, loving mother, but she has her angry moments, too. She's never once physically hurt me or any of my siblings, but she's said some nasty things to and about me and my brother. She ALWAYS spoke about my dad to us behind his back about something he did that ticked her off, had adult conversations with us at a very young age (I was 7, my brother was around 8), usually about things like r*pe and abuse that my niece and nephew at the time had experienced. She ALWAYS talked about how much my brother with ADHD drove her up the wall, and she often asked my advice or thoughts on a lot of adult scenarios. I often questioned what she said about me to my brother or other people when I wasn't around.
I tried so hard to be the "good girl" to seek her approval, even at the expense of my needs like playing or eating. I even remember asking her at the end of every day "Was I good today?" and having my heart sink when she often said, "For the most part." On top of that, she has lupus, so she often needed help with taking care of the house and animals (we lived on a small farm), which made her random angry outbursts all the more hurtful and confusing because how could I be upset when she was so upset because of the amount of pain she was in? I felt selfish and ashamed of myself for feeling the way I did all the time because of that mindset. And even though I'd worked throughout the week to make sure the house and yard were up to her standards, it only took 1 day for me not to do anything (either because of sickness or being out with a friend all day) and she would be mad all day.
She's never sworn to or at me, but she's called me "slow" and "unreliable" because I could never keep up with her "go, go, go" mentality, and it felt nearly impossible to finish any kind of project because I'm neurodivergent, though I've never been officially diagnosed. Plus, I put her needs above my own every single day, so my own projects were often sacrificed for what I call keeping up appearances (basically, making sure my personal hygiene was kept up to a certain standard I set for myself due to perfectionism so she wouldn't make hurtful comments).
I'm not sure if I'm making sense. I guess what I'm asking is this: Does my mother sound like the typical BPD parent, or is this something I'm not comprehending as someone on the spectrum? I really don't think my mom is a bad person, but I also cannot deny how your videos have really struck a cord with some of what I've experienced over the years. Or maybe I just need someone to let me know my feelings are valid, I don't know.
No one person is all bad, but that doesn't mean they arent abusing you. If someone's story of abuse resonates with you, I think you know in your heart the truth. It just takes time to accept the fuller picture.
@@Hannerloo Thank you so much for this. I've been reading over my comment thinking that if my mom ever knew that I aired out our dirty laundry to the internet, especially about her shortcomings, she would be heartbroken and very upset. But I'm kind of desperate, since we live in a very rural area with no easy access or financial support for a therapist, and Dr. Kim is the closest I've found to a therapist in regards to my relationship with my mother.
I never thought I'd say this, as someone who is neurodivergent and tries to be as authentic as possible, but in this instance I'm so grateful for being anonymous so no one ever has to know who I am or who my mom is because I don't want to hurt her. And this would devastate her if she found out.
@@manaspajamas5071 I understand holding this level of fear. I left my family abruptly when my mental and physical health couldn't take it anymore. but I understand needing to be heard while also not being seen... I hope you can keep fighting for your peace and that eventually, you are in a place like me where at the least, you have distance to process and grieve what pain you've clearly been through.
But here's some unsolicited advice, letting someone face the consequences of their own actions is not hurting them. they have done the damage themselves and now, it is time for them to reap.
Wow. ❤️ I can relate and am experiencing the heartache now. Every time I try to find my sense of self, reality smacks me in the face saying I am not mentally able or capable of being what I long for... Belonging and validation I am good enough.
Dr Kim…I just want to say I found you randomly on my home page and the universe sent you at the perfect time for what you provide and speak on. I’ve watched about 5 videos so far and it all resonates SO much w/my life experiences! I also enjoy hearing the experience of others and you do an excellent job..truly.
I don’t know why but for some reason I can hear you….. can hear what you’re saying. It’s a first in a
Lifetime of therapy. Perhaps it’s because you share, and are educated enough to share responsibly. I trust you.
Amazing.🤜🤛
Honestly I was more emotionally invested in my legos and computer games than my life. Literally those were only things that brought any joy in my earl years in life.
So interesting and thank you for illuminating the nuances! I have always had the sad experience of making big life decisions then almost like I wake up one day and wonder how I got there. What you’re describing seems to fit. I make decisions and move forward based in a false self then at a later point it never seems to fit. So unsettling.
It’s my 48th birthday today (3rd birthday no contact from my narcissist mother and brother) and I honestly don’t even know what to treat myself with. I feel so depressed and have hid from all my birthday invites from good people, I just did it again and wanted to be alone today. ❤
This is a journey I have been on since 2018. It has been slow going but I wouldn't change it for anything!
Thank you for this I never understood what caused me to be so different from everyone I don't know who I am or what I want to be your talking about everything I have ever felt or been through I've never knew anyone else went through that
It's almost as if we had the same mother!
Much love.
This is my mother and I do have contact of course not to my mother standards . My problem is I’m the only one my mother has 😞 my brother barely speaks to her and she’s an only child. I’m 55 and she’s 78 and feels terrible all the time, I’m pretty positive her mental health has changed for the worse. Between
My mom and my husband I’m a complete mess it’s a shit show😵💫 I’m riddled with anxiety and illnesses. Thanks to you I know where it all came from and I recently started therapy however my moms sadness and helplessness is strangling me!!! It’s to late for me to walk away, that would kill me as well but she’s gotten so much worse as she’s gotten older!!! ❤️❤️❤️ thanks so much 🤞✌️🌹
Yes SO helpful... the Narcisistic psychotic violent mother, alcoholic father and then a snarky constant ridicule and criticism in a 20 year marriage... and before that constant criticism and ridicule of nuns in elementary school. LUCKY TO BE ALIVE NOW
Sounds like you have an amazing therapist. So blessed
Wow! Felt like you were talking about me. I really felt heard and validated by this video. Thank you.
You give me such Cancer Vibes 😂 I'm glad I discovered your channel and I wish there were more therapists like you around these parts ! I think the hardest part about starting therapy is finding the person you feel will truly understand you and help you, who you can trust. Anyways, thank you for sharing your knowledge, thoughts, feelings, and beautiful face and Spirit with us all!
Ive just found your channel and im loving and relating to your videos. Thankyou 🙏 i feel less alone 😔
I have just found your channel and everything and it feels like you are describing my life! I feel so sad and lost and irreparably broken - I have just realised I am a co-dependent mother and I don't know how to fix myself. 😢 Bless you for your wonderful videos. ❤
I need to do better about taking care of my physical self 😕 I feed my pets in the morning and sometimes won't eat anything myself until around 11/11:30 🙈
Thank you so much. I need to hear this. And I'm happy I'm naturally gravitating towards changing things. Blessings, Dr. Kim!
This speaks so much to me in a deep level. I love how you are showing more of you in recent videos. :)
Dr Kim is good … she’s REALLY good! Love all your videos! Keep doing what you’re doing; it’s helping I promise you that❤!
You are such an inspiration, a beautiful person inside and out 💖 What you went through and how you use it to help others. I am working on what you talk about and trying to be more playful yet directional in my life. Slowly gathering my own savings, investing my time in learning and growing. I can feel the shift in sense of self that the autonomy is giving me. I recently discovered MBTI and INFJ. It has me on a whole new path of discovery I'd love to know your thoughts on..does INFJ personality type link to CPTSD, is it innate or our environment. Like CPTSD descriptions, the more I learn about INFJ the more 'normal' I feel, its like so much is clicking in to place. As you say, we are so good at reading and understanding others, yet in many ways don't know ourselves at all. Thank you for all you do and enjoy your summer time with your family ❤
INFP here and I also suffer from complex PTSD from narc abuse. Learning my personality type was so validating for me as I learned the reason I'm so different from others and need more alone time is because I have a rare personality. Myers Briggs has helped me know me better. I also learned that I'm a highly sensitive person HSP and that HSP and introverted feeling types struggle more and are more sensitive to any kind of abuse whether it be emotional, verbal, psychological, and etc. And it is usually the sensitive feeling child that is scapegoated by narcissistic parents
I'm so glad to hear that you're on the path to self discovery. Wishing you the best. 🙏
@@kimberlychristine9284 I relate to what you say so much. I will definitely learn more about MB, already I am finding it so helpful to work through my past and as you say, so validating. It also makes alot sense that certain personality types could be scapegoated and how that could link to CPTSD. I'm sorry for what you experienced. Sending you love and healing ❤️
I’m so glad I found you , your story is so similar to mine , I have found a great therapist who has helped me so much but I still find myself struggle itch some things , thank you again , ene as far as I have come with my therapy, my mom still terrifies me at times , I see my growth and I embrace that .
You are amazing!! Always making me cry! ( in a good way😊) thank you so much 🫶🏻💗😘
I am grateful for your videos
I read quite a few comments of parentified children however I feel like I'm on the other end.. like I'm not allowed to grow up, become my own person that cares about her appearence at home or other things.. it's a very weird feeling..
Thank you! 🔅❤
Hello. I am so glad to hear about you and all of the insights you provide. You are so valuable. Thx.
So helpful, thank you! Lovely energy too emanating from you.
That doll is soooo beautiful ❤😊
I went no contact with my abusive Mother 7 years ago but she continues to do a smear campaign on me to keep me down. She’s mad I am trying to have a life without her. Where was she when I was 2 screaming in my crib?
So deeply grateful for your sharing and wisdom Dr Kim. Your other video on being in trance from trauma made me ball my eyes out . In a great way was such a release. I felt so seen. Thank you for your care and hunanity and encouragement. Ive chosen hiking as my new thing that allows me to enjoy sometbing purely for me. And have loved saying no without iver explaining ❤
Thank you Dr. Kim. You bring so much comfort and beginnings of healing and validation to me and so many, we appreciate you more than you know...!❤💕
Super video.Watched your other videos and was looking for one on how to make changes.This one is the answer to a prayer.Thank you ❤
Welcome back Dr.Kim❤ ..so happy for the new video,thank you.
I have never wanted to but my needs in front of anyone I don't know how to
Thank you so much for sharing this. I can't even describe how transformational and healing your videos are 🖤
My mother had a lot of underlying mental illnesses. There were a lot of ups and downs during my childhood. I had to learn at a very early age to constantly walk on eggshells to stay out of the cross hairs. I watched how she treated my siblings and her ex fiance. She would constantly be arguing with him for no reason every single day. She would belittle both him and my siblings at home and in public. I was her favorite and never got treated as bad compared to my siblings until I came out as gay. When I came out to her she said she didn't raise me this way, I'm going to hell, and I'm going to die of AIDS. It was rough after that for three years. She ended up being diagnosed with lung cancer and passed three years after me coming out. We never fixed our relationship because she would remind me time and time again that she didn't raise me to be gay. It's going to be ten years since her passing. Every day I do think that maybe she would have come around but I still feel like a failure in her eyes. I'm 29 and will be turning 30 in around two months and it just feels like I've spent my entire 20's dealing with regret and shame.
This was so amazing to listen to, so honest and real. It resonates and is appreciated!
I believe my mom caused me to have EDS and chronic pain.
I thought families should be like leave it to beaver or Brady bunch. I wondered if other people had normal families or if mine was normal
I will always be in survival mode because I'm bound to my abusers by disability and the rest of my family basically views me no much different than an object
Thank you so much for this! ❤
Struggling with this so much. Love your channel and get a lot of support from it. I find it difficult tho to read the pink words that come up on the screen and fade too quickly.
I also remember her walking out of therapy when I was about 6. No one else remembers it. We’re we there because of me. I was the bad one. My sister still says how terrible I was. I don’t talk to her anymore. My parents never call me. I have had issues in this family too. I don’t k ow of , husband is also a narcissist. Or maybe it is me. I hurt m daughter
Thank you so much
My parents use to argue ALLL the time and i would spend alot of my time in my room or outside... Once outside, I would not come home till i had to...when i got my bike and was old enough to ride around on the rd it was like hyperspace.. I would be out and gone all day...
Mine argued too. And then I argued with my husband in front of my daughter. I messed her up. She doesn’t like me now. I don’t know if my husband is narcissistic
@@cindysmith1700 moms in her upper 80's and there is just no filter... I feel like i was when i was 16 and just wanted out. I dont want to come home after work i just want to go on a vacation and just not come back.
@@cindysmith1700 shes got dementia setting in and omg its unbearable at times... Dad had before he died and he became soo gentle. I never saw my dad so verbally gentle like that... I wish i had more time with him like that...
Who or what causes parents to turn against their own children? I know it happens and there usually are several factors and/or causes. "We love you but we think you're no good."