You need to re-parent yourself. Become the parent that you never had for yourself. Also, become the parent you never had for your own child. It’s very healing.
This has been my entire life struggle, trying not to become like my parents. But at 35, after being a mother to two, I still find it hard to heal. I am going to see a psychologist, but I am scared of being dismissed as just being oversensitive, because in India for most, as long as an abuse is not physical, it’s not an abuse.
I think we have nothing more to give, I struggle with this myself, we cannot give anymore so we cannot play circus(which is what relationships feel like)
@@psalm148.1 Truly said. It's actually a pandemic. Don't know we are lucky or unlucky for undertaking the issue. Sometimes it feels ignorance was okay too.
@@meghasanyal4861I feel this! I regret “knowing” I see no point (for me personally, not for others) in knowing all this stuff cause I’m suffering, probably more so now
I began looking into each generation and am able to trace the trauma back to my Cree/Metis ancestors. The trauma is truly horrific. I'm exhausted, but proud to be the one to break the cycle. I hope I am making my ancestors proud.
Probably they are pissed af :DDDD Tried so hard to make toxicity and abuse a wholesome memorable family tradition only for gen z to ruin it all with mental health policy
That was definitely me . I was left with feeling the only option was to have low or No expectations. As a child it never even occured to me I had , any rights at all
I showed this to my therapist today and I think it helped communicate what I feel I’m going through in my healing process. It’s been hard for me to pinpoint the dots and bring them together and I have felt like I’ve failed to be able to express what the dots are and how they connect. This video helped me identify and connect a lot of those dots. The only difference for me is that my mom has never tried to be my friend. She wanted a boy and the fact that I’m not a boy meant that my mere existence is a disappointment to her and she has reinforced that displeasure with me throughout my entire life.
Nrn2Please help me...The Narssistic Familiy FORCED ME TO EAT in my 45kg with their MEDICAL CULD.,who MANIPULATED ME INTO THE BLAMED SCAPEGOAT..I am a IDEPENDEND ADULT, WHO HAVE A LEGALL RIGT to have a AUNTENTIC FREDOM to follow the ESOTERIC MEDICINE...then how can i ESSCAPE this TOXIC SITUATION? Thanks for your advice.❤
The same with me! I am the eldest, and a female, as soon as I was born they didn't want me If they could have given me away, they would have. & I know that I would have been better off bc at least my adoptive parents would have wanted me. They rarely took any pictures of, I was always told that I was ugly & a burden to them, my 2 Narc parents. I found some pictures of me & I was stunned, I was a pretty little blonde girl. I was treated like garbage & abused, & I did everything they ever asked & so much more to please them. My Narc brother is a good for nothing, & my parents support him & his family. He is the golden child. I can not thank Dr Ramani enough, her insights & information has helped me so much!
If you were wounded by your parents I’m so sorry. You don’t owe anyone. I hope you find some peace love joy for yourself. Best of luck and you are good just the way you really are you don’t need to change a thing
It's like being diagnosed in 1977 as manic depression. Then 1982 as clinical depression. Then 2016, major depressive disorder. It's actually C PTSD, caused by wounded parents. My mother told me that she made it her life's mission to destroy my life. She told me she didn't want me and tried to abort me. She never loved me.
@@emr7712 Your mother is/was a very sick miserable woman. I’m so sorry she took her misery out on you. I cannot imagine the pain of what that does to a young mind. I sincerely hope you had other people in your life that loved you.
I'm sitting here with my jaw on the floor after reading your comment. There is one thing to know your mom didn't want you because of her carelessness with your well being: but to come out and say that, damn! That's very sick! That's not normal at all, and it's not your fault! 😔
Finally healing my mother wound and father wound. I've been stuck at home in a codependent relationship with my Mum. I've applied to get some super out so I can buy a van and take off to live at caravan parks all over the country! My life begins!!!!
Do it before it’s too late and she becomes elderly and more dependent on you for her daily care. That will keep you stuck and suck the life out of you 😚😚
I have thought on this long and hard. My mom was the world to me but she was also unavailable. At a very young age she did pull me through a rough time. I never wanted to admit my mom wound. But looking back everyone in the family had to appease my narcissistic father. From what we had for food to what we watched on tv. The whole house was his domain including everything and everyone in it. ( issues with enmeshment 10:07 was passed on generations by mother) But I understand it. .. now . She was surviving just like the rest of us under the domination of a narcissistic husband.. possibly a psychopath actually..
I’m still healing from the emotional wounds inflicted upon me by my father and the fear of becoming like him is so overwhelming and a heavy burden to carry, hence why I never decided to have any kids.
My oldest brother passed away at 51 years old. He refused to have children. Now I know why. Plus figured he didn’t want the responsibility. He stayed single more than he was married. He married twice one lasted 6 months the other 5 years until his death. I grieve just sharing this.
This is 💯 my mother and father. Disengaging from it, building my coherent narrative, not blaming myself, validating myself and prioritizing my well being. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Totally agree with you Dr Ramani. That's really how I see this A parent wound and after awhile, to me , forgiveness is really letting go of the hurt and don't investigate get any more. I feel better when I respond to any of the maladaptive problems with them is civil and appropriate voicing myself to a realistic and true of me and my character. No more character assassinations or verbal abuse. Just leave their presence and don't get engaged into trying to figure out what the hell they are doing, saying ect. Already investigated. Done. No more wasting my mental and emotional energy over trying to figure out WHY and How they are/ do. I've started to relax a little more. I don't want any more trauma drama. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Well stated: “Forgiveness is letting go of the hurt and not investigate it anymore.” I’m in my 7th year of “healing” and only now understanding they are sick and I don’t need to research or understand any more about them than I do. It’s the way it is, and I am free of the enmeshment that continues to drive the family connections. Is this liberation?! ❤
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. It ends with me, but I'm still working on setting boundaries. Financial reasons keep me around, but I'm actively reparenting myself. Your insights have made me more observant and aware of abuse that I didn’t see before. I no longer give out the benefit of the doubt or accept victim cards-it's a choice we make. Thanks for helping me see that.
Something that’s helped me is having mentors in my life. I don’t expect anyone to fill the father role, that’s unfair to them, but I draw from their example and wisdom.
Today I go pick up my factory-ordered pink Jeep, my dream vehicle. The last time I had a new Jeep was back in 2006 and my husband bought it for me. All week I've been having very debilitating thoughts about not being good enough and also hypervigilance about it being stolen or damaged. My mother was very jealous of my artistic talents and was always in competition with me. She was also an alcoholic and was often terrifying. Thanks to Dr. Ramani I am able to begin to put these feelings where they belong. And thanks to my husband who is always there to talk this through with me and help cheer me on.
Both of my parents were narc : father toxic and my mother had BPD. I was relieved when they passed away, sad and shocking as it is to say! My brother is a toxic narc now and we are estranged.
Man, I cam across your channel just today and what a blessing it has already been. I am 40 years old and just realizing and coming to terms that I was brought up by a narcissistic mother. The pain, anger and sadness that is getting more by the day is incomprehensible. I can't put into words all of the feelings I have inside me. Thank you for validating my feelings ❤
Please help me...The Narssistic Familiy FORCED ME TO EAT in my 45kg with their MEDICAL CULD.,who MANIPULATED ME INTO THE BLAMED SCAPEGOAT..I am a IDEPENDEND ADULT, WHO HAVE A LEGALL RIGT to have a AUNTENTIC FREDOM to follow the ESOTERIC MEDICINE...then how can i ESSCAPE this TOXIC SITUATION? Thanks for your advice.❤
I love seeing the bonding bridges over the spiritual and psychology terminology areas. When dealing with danger or violence, having to heal while living with the volatile person requires some form of "Poetry" to navigate their shame triggers, while moving safely through insane patterns. I am looking forward to seeing many more people realizing we are working on a similar issue and can work together. So grateful to all those who are breaking free as well!!
I absolutely agree with this definition of healing and building a chosen family and other supports is very important to teach our mind and body the healthy emotions that we need.
Would love to hear more about this. My father was an abusing, rage filled father and a mother who did not protect me at all and at times put me in harm’s way to protect herself
My father was an alcoholic, but he was the more functional parent. My shrink says that's only part of the problem, I started being an over achiever thinking that was the way to be seen and fixing the chaos around me. My siblings and I are still struggling. I think I was the luckiest one. Honestly, I only feel safe when I'm alone.
Thanks, Dear Dr. Ramini. My parents neglected me. They didn't have much much and were parents who suffered from illness. I have gone at it alone for much of my life.
Very good timing for the video, Dr. Ramani. Thank you for summing up the explanation for the parent wounds and the resolution for it. I see you finally accepting that this kind of issues don't have a solution and nothing really works including boundaries. It ends with me is a phrase I have been telling myself for few years now, but it's not ending with me if I am not able to create a family and support system of my own which seems far fetched, not because I will repeat the wounds, but because I am still not seeing good people on the horizon, who can be related to. The thing is entire population of the planet is wounded and when we see them we instantly recognise the wound and related possible impact, so we steer clear.
Thank you Dr Ramani! Your insight s & information has helped me so Much! I was always in so much because ofy Narc family of origin. At 58 I am still dealing with my Narc parents & family. I was always so confused bc the abuse never made any sense. Then I saw your videos! I have learned so much! Their behavior s are straight out of your books! So, now when they start being awful, i just change the subject to something about them or for them. When they refuse to do something that they had promised, I don't engage, I just change the subject to something about them And, then, I bring in strangers that they want to impress to get them to keep their commitments. If only I had had this insight & these tools when I was a child. Thank you Dr Ramani!
I’m so glad you talk about this subject. Didn’t know how to tell my friend cause she tended to blame herself about the narc relationship due to the wound
Hello Dr. Ramani, and greetings to you... this topic really deserves to be put in a book. It is truly interesting to understand how parent wounds might affect even the choices of their children in the future..
There are amazing books that focus on the issue of narcissistic mothers and their daughters. I already read two, one by a psychologist and another by a survivor, as a collection of her experiences and thoughts. What's wonderful is that they not only talk about the issues and struggles that come form being broad up by a distant mother but they give you tools to heal your relationship with yourself, which is the only thing you can do to heal your mother wounds.
Thank you so much, dr. Ramani 🙏🏻🙏🏻 the timing of this video is really spot-on. I've been slowly connecting the dots lately, after years and years of confusion and depression...it's extremely hard, but damn, it is also FREEING, like a cloud lifting up from the brain
I grew up in a wounded, volatile household with a narc mother. You start so far behind the starting line growing up with a narcissist mother. I’m 37 and I find relationships exhausting. I work so hard on myself, but I can’t deal with emotionally immature people anymore. I’m no longer triggered by my mother but I seem to constantly attract people with dismissive attachment, so friends & partners who don’t want intimacy or walk away after one problem. I’m so done
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. No wounds with parents, both of whom are deceased. My regret is of a happening to me when I was younger. I did not answer my mother when she asked me a direct important question of the happening, out of fear of what someone else told me.
Crucial topic. Another term being used is “inner child wound” “inner core wound” “attachment wounds”. Its helpful to explain what can (it’s still debatable) cause narcissistic behaviour but more importantly, it can help explain what can cause “co-dependents”, trauma-bonded victims to attach to narc people, and because they learned this is love, they abnormally seek it out and you end up finding out this is the same narcissistic person that is doing the same things the unavailable parent did, sometimes MUCH worse. It’s a terrible cycle/trap that must be healed and broken.
Thank you. I kept seeing “Mother wound” all over the place. Very little “father wound.” It just didn’t sit right with me. I have familial wounds. More than just one parent wound. I do have wounds from my mother, but that label gets my back up. It feels too generalized to have any therapeutic effect for me. Your research is appreciated.
I am in the thick of this horrible nightmare I’m 50 and I had to go no contact with my family of origin. Have narc. Mom, 4 nark siblings. My Dad is just a follower and marches to the orders of the head narc/Mom. I’ve always felt different, I always felt not enough I had a fear of being left behind to the point of terrors and made a parent stay with me during any extra curricular activities as a young child. I was treated different out of five children, I am the only one who had curfew. I am the only one who couldn’t leave the house until chores were done and inspected. Inspected with fingers and hands at a glacial pace to delay my ability to leave, I grew up thinking these were good things. Things taught me responsibility, things that taught me to be helpful to my parents and was very proud of it most of my life. But as I’ve become an adult married with children I see things much differently. I happen to have a beautiful life a life that I also worked hard for it wasn’t handed to me. I financially am in a very different tax bracket than my siblings and even my parents and I am nowhere near boastful or flaunt it. I typically shelter anything new I buy or anything that I’m doing until it’s something that’s going to be noticed and I say it after it’s purchased or after the fact and make it in a very non-important still no matter but still they view my lifestyle always with scrutiny and judgment and backstabbing talking the secrets the lies betrayals they tell are too many to count or too many to list but now with therapy, I need to go back in history and write those down because of course the narc controls the narrative that these are just made up things and then I am being ridiculous and I am a liar, and since they’re all grouped together, I am the outcast the scapegoat. I am learning to love myself at 50 and see myself the way my husband does and my children and I have wonderful relationship with many of my childhood friends still snd beyond that I’ve kept all my life I’ve reached to them for support to try to see myself through their eyes but it’s very difficult From one scapegoat to another I’m praying for you and your healing as well…❤
this is perfect i needed this video so badly! like all the narc vids are amazingly helpful but this just helps to heal the deep scars to begin with x thanks
I was hearing "mother/father wound/pain" 12 years ago in a church program called "Living Waters". Their angle of approach on that was that your parent's didn't need to do bad things to you for you to have wounds/holes your were trying to heal/fill in subsequent relationships. The farther they fall short of providing a lot of the needs a child has, the more "wounded" you'll tend to be. The more those needs weren't fulfilled for understandable reasons, such as they both work 12 hours a day to keep a roof over your head, the harder it is to acknowledge them, and deal with them.
Yes, that resonates with me. The more "normal" your family seems, the more difficult it is to notice for you and to heal. Much more if your parents are decent people but really not attuned to your needs.
It IS complicated, because everyone is wounded. It’s also why people stay in narcissistic relationships. They can “feel” wounds in others, including narcissists and they feel they need to do something about it, losing sight of their own wounds. Narcissists rely upon this also. I know I’ve been targeted often, because people who don’t even know me, see me that way, somehow. Probably how I got stopped in the parking lot, coming out of a store yesterday. I think the woman just needed someone to talk to. I know that I was, at first, really happy, when I thought my mother just needed a psychotherapist. An extra wound was when I found that she didn’t want help and could not be helped. I felt like a kid, who’s ice cream just fell off the cone and onto the hot pavement. While my mother wasn’t always as strategically abusive, as she later became, I can see, with this video, how I probably became the fixer. Probably either one of or a major reason why I never married. I’m almost 60 and I’ve never had any adult romantic relationships, between career and maybe insidiously being the family fixer.
Best healing my adult kids did was 100% no contact with their father and his entire family. They realize the entire family are narcissistic/narcissists. I can clearly see how my ex’s mother created the trauma in her kids.
This☝️💯‼️ In 2008 at 37, and after more than 20 years of suffering from mild to severe depressions and burn-outs, I had 3 months of 24/7 inhouse group therapy at a renowned mental health institution. Not one therapist recognized - let alone acknowledged - that my father was a narcissist and my kind and gentle mother was not equipped to stand up or protect us from his aggressive and demanding behavior. Luckily she divorced him when I was 10 but the damage was already done yet I only realized that until I was 37 and started reading about my diagnosis (depression disorder and signs of avoidance), the DSM 5 and other personality disorders like narcissism. The renowned therapy according to the Tranasactional Analysis (by Berne) turned out to be just the beginning of the beginning of years and years of self discovery, self care and self healing. Because none of the psychologists I spoke to in 2008, nor in 2012 after my mom died, or in 2014 when I suffered a stroke, really got how deeply wounded I was and how low my feelings or self esteem were after years of being emotionally neglected, dismissed and physically and mentally hurt by my father, but also by others when my mother was ill and died, and when I sufferd a stroke myself. None of these therapist recognized my needs, it was all very superficial and without true results. So I went on to heal myself again, all on my own. But with the help of you and Gabby Bernstein. Thank you for explaining narcissism to the public. Thank you for acknowledging the pain and suffering it is causing the ones who have to endure it because we (children) cannot escape it until we are aware of it and/or old enough. Thank you for educating us about dealing with a narcissist. Todays video perfectly sums up my history and my own conclusions from my person healing journey. I am so happy to get this confirmation from you about my father and mother wounds, it’s a validation that this is real. But that we can choose to end it and heal ourselves. I am glad my life went as it went and I have no children. It ends with me, healed and whole ❤️
Thank you. I would love to hear more on this topic. This over view is very helpful. I struggle with compassion for her wounds - damn conditioning. Therapy has helped so much.
Excellent, had to find out what you say about this first. As you are a Psychologist- I feel I understand how you work, so can only learn from you. ❤❤❤ Thank you xxxx
About a decade ago, the woman who raised me told me, "You've been insulting me YOUR ENTIRE LIFE" I couldn't believe a mother would say that to her child. I asked her, if she felt that way, why didn't she have an abortion when she found out she was pregnant with me? Unsurprisingly, I received no answer.
OMGoodness, What a shocking statement. NO mother should ever say that to a child, EVER. You are worthy of better, find great friends, even a "Clayton's" mother figure. My heart goes out to you
@@JohannaVanDreumel I’ve created my own family and have women I look up to as mother figures. The damage was done long before the person who raised me said that. While going through old journal entries, I came across a direct quote from her that I had forgotten due to how well I was conditioned. Rereading it, I couldn’t believe it, and I think it's something to bring up in therapy. Thanks for the clarification-much appreciated.
@@JohannaVanDreumel I’ve created my own family and have women I look up to as mother figures. The damage was done long before the person who raised me said that. While going through old journal entries, I came across a direct quote from her that I had forgotten due to how well I was conditioned. Rereading it, I couldn’t believe it, and I think it's something to bring up in therapy. Thanks for the clarification-much appreciated.
I'm healing from a narcissistic mother and sibling. Thank you for your take on this parental thing DoctorRamani. I will no longer think about why they do what they do or their emotional trauma from childhood etc. You can choose a different way. I'm not responsible or need to take care of their trauma. Thats what I'm going to do, choose a differant path. I've seen parenting from a different perseptive through my father. RIP🙏. And thats the parent I strive to be one day. Someone empathetic who doesnt choose to let childhood experience define them.
It was last month where I looked at long and significant (but immature) romantic partnerships in my teens and twenties, where i realized: I and those partners with me, we were ALL looking for missing parental affections within each other. Within the complimentarity of romance (eros) was a need for something parental, because we would be either gap-fillers, like human pacifiers with emotions being like mother's milk... Or corrective and instructive to each others' perceived shortcomings. It's like our romantic partnerships have a subtext of parenting, whether we like that or not. ...how dismaying that we're NEVER gonna fully get away from some of Freud's accuracy. 😅
For me, I have narcissistic tendencies/am a narcissist because of my biological father. It affected me so badly. I would’ve never been like this if I wasn’t around him in that environment.
You may have what they call ‘narcissistic flea’s’ it’s when you pick up the traits of narc parents as they are your main role models and sometimes in order to survive in their environment you mimic some of their behaviours. Doesn’t mean you are a narcissist. You would rarely find a full blown, true narcissist listening to these channels and admitting to their narcissism - they will generally play the victim and blame the victim and never reflect on their actions or take any accountability - your comment proves you are capable of this self awareness 😻
Whew the mother wound really hit home for me. I have a brother but our nmother doesn’t find his supply valuable because he’s autistic so I’ve also been the stand in “spouse”🤢
I would love to see a video about "mother wound" on boys. My narcissist parent beat / abused me for being bi and it would mean a lot to me to hear you talk about this dynamic more.
First 40 seconds says a lot of what I’ve been feeling the last 7 years. I estranged from my parents 7 years ago. In conversing with others about it for various reasons over time, I saw people just arguing over whether my parents were narcissistic, enabling, controlling, invalidating, scapegoating, entitled, toxic, etc. No one really cares how all this has deeply broken us internally and no one cares if we actually heal or not. I’m not interested in dictionary definitions, I’m interested in finding inner peace and happiness. That nobody seems to care about.
Thanks Dr. Ramani. I can and do feel sympathy for how hard my parent's lives were. But there was never room for my needs. The thing that got to me the most was that my mother made me the sole "saviour" in her plan for her life. She appeared to have considered no other option and was not a responsible person. As long as I was her interpretation of "happy" then she was "ok". That mean't I wasn't "allowed" to have issues/problems so I had to live in denial like her. This is poison and will not heal anything. I became more and more physically and mentally ill the more I denied my own needs. So I cut contact. My parent wound is that I am disappointed I never had the type of parental support I had wished for. But I am learning to let it go and focus on myself.
1000% Me! Narcissistic mother who was not supportive or empathetic to a father that had a bad upbringing. Granted, in that day you did not label your father as an alcoholic, but he was and needed love, something my mother could not give him, or me. Oddly she doted on the male offspring, my brothers. My father was rarely home and removed when I was in middle school. A life of care taking for my mother with little in return, in fact she would pit people against me. I am sure it was jealousy that I went to school and had a career and could support myself and my family. But I needed to end up that way because of the poverty her selfsih actions shed upon our family. So much to say. I have a book that needs to be written. Who would like to halp me?
Mother was in the navy and was deploying for 6 months at a time for the first 10 years of my life. My dad was unemployed due to an accident which caused him to become disabled. When I was 5. They never left each other
I think it’s important for people with parent wounds to also look into: “Emotional incest is a type of emotional abuse that occurs when a parent or caregiver treats a child as a romantic partner, rather than as a child. It can also be called covert incest or "enmeshment". The relationship is not physically or sexually intimate, but it can be inappropriate and unfair to the child”
That sounds quite like my life all right. Having to be a parent to my Mother and treated like a servant, yet not allowed any power or rights even as an adult. And relationships do, at least in my experience, require my disappearance and submission in order to be taken seriously. Looking for an equal partnership with a man has never gotten me anywhere. As for my father, I barely know the man. I've met him perhaps six times in my life, and not one of them has been within the last thirty-five years.
My mom made me her husband, I am a daughter but she made me financially responsible for her and my siblings. Even after they were gone, I was still her husband. She started doing motherly things out of necessity to keep me bound to her so she had a place to live and vices to keep. I don't understand it all but it drove me nuts.
Thankyou Doctor Ramani, I have experienced a Father Wound who 1. Was Affected by Tourette Syndrome Coprolalia and Palilalia until my Mother was Alive 2. Transformed into a Narcissistic Abuser after my Mother's sudden death. As a consequence it always used to be an Embarrassing Moments for me, my Mother and my Sibling because of my Father's Tourette Syndrome. Later after my Mother Rested In Peace (R.I.P), in the year 2008, for almost a decade from yr 2008 to yr 2018, I had to handle my Transformed Narassistic Father. There always used to be an Embarrassing Episodes which come what may always ended up in a very very Abusive, Agressive Episodes at times consisting of Physical Assaults. This behaviour of my Father made me always look like 1. A Joker who was LOL by the Crowd 2. ADHD Child who tries to seek Sympathy This entire Behaviour of my Father since my Childhood along with my Mother's sudden death in the year 2008 has created a Deep Wound, which I am trying Hard to Heal through the Online help of Mental Health Professionals. So Thankyou again for this Specific Vlog.
Makes sense. This reminds me of and makes me wonder if this is any different than the fad that went thru a few decades ago when they were calling everything a father wound, then it was the mother wound, (or maybe it started the other way around)? Before we had as much research and understanding of so many things, including cptsd, attachment styles and wounds, personality disorders, mood disorders, eating disorders, etc etc. Everything was said to originate from and only needed a single type of treatment of the father/mother wound. Anyway, regardless, I'm so glad to gave as much access to info like Dr Ramani to help untangle our own wounds and their fallout, and especially know their behaviors aren't our fault.
How do you handle it when the narcissist is the good parent? But the other parent is so afraid of the narcissist going into rages that things are swept under the rug and bad decisions are made to not aggravate the narcissist. The other parent who knows better purposely puts the Kids In Harm's Way just to keep the narcissist quiet. I can love & forgive the narcissist who tried so hard to be a good parent( and truly loved me), but not the parent who repeatedly sacrificed me on the altar of placating his/her narcissist spouse.
What i am beginning to notice in myself as i try to heal is a bitterness, a rage and resentment and a desire for revenge. To hurt others as i do my own inner child..its like being a narcissist at the same time as having a wounded inner child. It is very distressing to find this going on in me and i do not know how to deal with it. I have both a narc mum and narc dad and no love or aupport from anyone else either when i was growing up.
I don't have them, clearly they do. The abusers haven't changed a thing and continue to blame me which I don't accept like I've said before. I'm not playing their evil game, they make things up in their heads.
Can you address how we find peace when the enablers don’t believe us? This assumes we have radical acceptance about the narcissistic parent, but how do I fix this other piece when my mother turned the whole family against me by taking my reaction to her toxic behavior and playing victim. HELP!!
I have all the wounds.. mother wound, 2 siblings wounds. My father was not bad. He’s a good man. I don’t know if I will ever be able to function normally with people.
You need to re-parent yourself. Become the parent that you never had for yourself. Also, become the parent you never had for your own child. It’s very healing.
♥️🌻
And find a good therapist to guide you through the process. you won't be able to do it alone.
So right. I have got much better at this is the last few years.
Yes it is❤❤❤❤🎉
This has been my entire life struggle, trying not to become like my parents. But at 35, after being a mother to two, I still find it hard to heal. I am going to see a psychologist, but I am scared of being dismissed as just being oversensitive, because in India for most, as long as an abuse is not physical, it’s not an abuse.
"The healing starts when you start connecting the dots". I couldn't agree more
As a survivor of lifelong Narcissists abuse, it seems like all relationships are exhausting.
I think we have nothing more to give, I struggle with this myself, we cannot give anymore so we cannot play circus(which is what relationships feel like)
@@kayleethegreat111 💯% agree.
Praying for all survivors of this insidious modern day "pandemic".
@@psalm148.1 Truly said. It's actually a pandemic. Don't know we are lucky or unlucky for undertaking the issue. Sometimes it feels ignorance was okay too.
@psalm148.1 i feel you and pray for alö of us
@@meghasanyal4861I feel this! I regret “knowing” I see no point (for me personally, not for others) in knowing all this stuff cause I’m suffering, probably more so now
I began looking into each generation and am able to trace the trauma back to my Cree/Metis ancestors. The trauma is truly horrific. I'm exhausted, but proud to be the one to break the cycle. I hope I am making my ancestors proud.
Probably they are pissed af :DDDD Tried so hard to make toxicity and abuse a wholesome memorable family tradition only for gen z to ruin it all with mental health policy
That was definitely me . I was left with feeling the only option was to have low or No expectations. As a child it never even occured to me I had , any rights at all
THIS !!!!
I'm so sorry. Me too. That's how I felt. No rights, no respected boundaries.
Yes!!
I was literally told that. "You can speak when you've grown up." You have no idea how fast I wanted to grow up!
Same. I had better settle for breadcrumbs because it might mean nothing at all. Now, feeding myself.
Who else have both?
👆
I had both. One died. Mother still alive.
Both and both siblings AND the rest of the extended family (some of them were also my caregivers)!!! AND the whole workplace...
Here
Recently realized that my dad was one too 🙋♀️
Healing is continuous process
I showed this to my therapist today and I think it helped communicate what I feel I’m going through in my healing process. It’s been hard for me to pinpoint the dots and bring them together and I have felt like I’ve failed to be able to express what the dots are and how they connect. This video helped me identify and connect a lot of those dots.
The only difference for me is that my mom has never tried to be my friend. She wanted a boy and the fact that I’m not a boy meant that my mere existence is a disappointment to her and she has reinforced that displeasure with me throughout my entire life.
Nrn2Please help me...The Narssistic Familiy FORCED ME TO EAT in my 45kg with their MEDICAL CULD.,who MANIPULATED ME INTO THE BLAMED SCAPEGOAT..I am a IDEPENDEND ADULT, WHO HAVE A LEGALL RIGT to have a AUNTENTIC FREDOM to follow the ESOTERIC MEDICINE...then how can i ESSCAPE this TOXIC SITUATION? Thanks for your advice.❤
The same with me! I am the eldest, and a female, as soon as I was born they didn't want me
If they could have given me away, they would have. & I know that I would have been better off bc at least my adoptive parents would have wanted me. They rarely took any pictures of, I was always told that I was ugly & a burden to them, my 2 Narc parents.
I found some pictures of me & I was stunned, I was a pretty little blonde girl.
I was treated like garbage & abused, & I did everything they ever asked & so much more to please them.
My Narc brother is a good for nothing, & my parents support him & his family.
He is the golden child.
I can not thank Dr Ramani enough, her insights & information has helped me so much!
If you were wounded by your parents I’m so sorry. You don’t owe anyone. I hope you find some peace love joy for yourself. Best of luck and you are good just the way you really are you don’t need to change a thing
It's like being diagnosed in 1977 as manic depression. Then 1982 as clinical depression. Then 2016, major depressive disorder. It's actually C PTSD, caused by wounded parents. My mother told me that she made it her life's mission to destroy my life. She told me she didn't want me and tried to abort me. She never loved me.
@@emr7712 Your mother is/was a very sick miserable woman. I’m so sorry she took her misery out on you. I cannot imagine the pain of what that does to a young mind. I sincerely hope you had other people in your life that loved you.
I'm sitting here with my jaw on the floor after reading your comment. There is one thing to know your mom didn't want you because of her carelessness with your well being: but to come out and say that, damn! That's very sick! That's not normal at all, and it's not your fault! 😔
So sorry 🙏
I'm so sorry. I'm glad you are here, you are important.
My God what a horrific experience I am very sorry you had to deal with this. I am sending you so much love.
Finally healing my mother wound and father wound. I've been stuck at home in a codependent relationship with my Mum. I've applied to get some super out so I can buy a van and take off to live at caravan parks all over the country! My life begins!!!!
AMAZING, enjoy your New Life,s journey, where ever it takes you.
Safe Travels
Do it before it’s too late and she becomes elderly and more dependent on you for her daily care. That will keep you stuck and suck the life out of you 😚😚
I have thought on this long and hard. My mom was the world to me but she was also unavailable. At a very young age she did pull me through a rough time. I never wanted to admit my mom wound. But looking back everyone in the family had to appease my narcissistic father. From what we had for food to what we watched on tv. The whole house was his domain including everything and everyone in it. ( issues with enmeshment 10:07 was passed on generations by mother) But I understand it. .. now . She was surviving just like the rest of us under the domination of a narcissistic husband.. possibly a psychopath actually..
I’m still healing from the emotional wounds inflicted upon me by my father and the fear of becoming like him is so overwhelming and a heavy burden to carry, hence why I never decided to have any kids.
Me too
My oldest brother passed away at 51 years old. He refused to have children. Now I know why. Plus figured he didn’t want the responsibility. He stayed single more than he was married. He married twice one lasted 6 months the other 5 years until his death. I grieve just sharing this.
@@SherryTomlinson-r2y my deepest condolences
This is my story as well. I have dogs and it really works for me. I love them unconditionally and Malignant mother can not hurt and triangulate them
This is 💯 my mother and father. Disengaging from it, building my coherent narrative, not blaming myself, validating myself and prioritizing my well being. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Totally agree with you Dr Ramani. That's really how I see this A parent wound and after awhile, to me , forgiveness is really letting go of the hurt and don't investigate get any more. I feel better when I respond to any of the maladaptive problems with them is civil and appropriate voicing myself to a realistic and true of me and my character. No more character assassinations or verbal abuse. Just leave their presence and don't get engaged into trying to figure out what the hell they are doing, saying ect. Already investigated. Done. No more wasting my mental and emotional energy over trying to figure out WHY and How they are/ do. I've started to relax a little more. I don't want any more trauma drama. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Well stated: “Forgiveness is letting go of the hurt and not investigate it anymore.” I’m in my 7th year of “healing” and only now understanding they are sick and I don’t need to research or understand any more about them than I do. It’s the way it is, and I am free of the enmeshment that continues to drive the family connections. Is this liberation?! ❤
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. It ends with me, but I'm still working on setting boundaries. Financial reasons keep me around, but I'm actively reparenting myself. Your insights have made me more observant and aware of abuse that I didn’t see before. I no longer give out the benefit of the doubt or accept victim cards-it's a choice we make. Thanks for helping me see that.
Something that’s helped me is having mentors in my life. I don’t expect anyone to fill the father role, that’s unfair to them, but I draw from their example and wisdom.
Mentors are crucial when recovering ❤️🩹
Today I go pick up my factory-ordered pink Jeep, my dream vehicle. The last time I had a new Jeep was back in 2006 and my husband bought it for me. All week I've been having very debilitating thoughts about not being good enough and also hypervigilance about it being stolen or damaged. My mother was very jealous of my artistic talents and was always in competition with me. She was also an alcoholic and was often terrifying. Thanks to Dr. Ramani I am able to begin to put these feelings where they belong. And thanks to my husband who is always there to talk this through with me and help cheer me on.
Enjoy your brand new pink Jeep and your healing knowledge!
Thank you AS ALWAYS Dr. Ramani!!! Wishing you many blessings!
Both of my parents were narc : father toxic and my mother had BPD. I was relieved when they passed away, sad and shocking as it is to say! My brother is a toxic narc now and we are estranged.
Me ❤️🩹 2
Me too❤
Thank you for your priceless wisdom ❤.
Man, I cam across your channel just today and what a blessing it has already been. I am 40 years old and just realizing and coming to terms that I was brought up by a narcissistic mother. The pain, anger and sadness that is getting more by the day is incomprehensible. I can't put into words all of the feelings I have inside me. Thank you for validating my feelings ❤
Everyone...have a wonderful day...blessings and much love to you all ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please help me...The Narssistic Familiy FORCED ME TO EAT in my 45kg with their MEDICAL CULD.,who MANIPULATED ME INTO THE BLAMED SCAPEGOAT..I am a IDEPENDEND ADULT, WHO HAVE A LEGALL RIGT to have a AUNTENTIC FREDOM to follow the ESOTERIC MEDICINE...then how can i ESSCAPE this TOXIC SITUATION? Thanks for your advice.❤
I love seeing the bonding bridges over the spiritual and psychology terminology areas. When dealing with danger or violence, having to heal while living with the volatile person requires some form of "Poetry" to navigate their shame triggers, while moving safely through insane patterns. I am looking forward to seeing many more people realizing we are working on a similar issue and can work together. So grateful to all those who are breaking free as well!!
I absolutely agree with this definition of healing and building a chosen family and other supports is very important to teach our mind and body the healthy emotions that we need.
Suffering now! Bad issue with the enablers in family defending the lies! Perfect timing! I can’t stop ruminating!!
Would love to hear more about this. My father was an abusing, rage filled father and a mother who did not protect me at all and at times put me in harm’s way to protect herself
My father was an alcoholic, but he was the more functional parent. My shrink says that's only part of the problem, I started being an over achiever thinking that was the way to be seen and fixing the chaos around me. My siblings and I are still struggling. I think I was the luckiest one. Honestly, I only feel safe when I'm alone.
Thanks, Dear Dr. Ramini. My parents neglected me. They didn't have much much and were parents who suffered from illness. I have gone at it alone for much of my life.
Best decision I've made- having no kids in this lifetime. So the cycle has ended with me!🙏✨
I did the same... I wonder how many of us are childless by choice because of this reason.
Same 🙌🏽
Me, too
Me too😊
@@Alignmented1 Adopt in infant, at least. They are cute😁
Very good timing for the video, Dr. Ramani. Thank you for summing up the explanation for the parent wounds and the resolution for it. I see you finally accepting that this kind of issues don't have a solution and nothing really works including boundaries. It ends with me is a phrase I have been telling myself for few years now, but it's not ending with me if I am not able to create a family and support system of my own which seems far fetched, not because I will repeat the wounds, but because I am still not seeing good people on the horizon, who can be related to. The thing is entire population of the planet is wounded and when we see them we instantly recognise the wound and related possible impact, so we steer clear.
I totally agree. I also feel the same. I think that , for us to heal our wounds , the hole world would have to be healed....
9:25 Yaaasss EXHAUSTING😫!
Thank you Dr Ramani! Your insight s & information has helped me so Much!
I was always in so much because ofy Narc family of origin. At 58 I am still dealing with my Narc parents & family.
I was always so confused bc the abuse never made any sense. Then I saw your videos!
I have learned so much! Their behavior s are straight out of your books!
So, now when they start being awful, i just change the subject to something about them or for them. When they refuse to do something that they had promised, I don't engage, I just change the subject to something about them
And, then, I bring in strangers that they want to impress to get them to keep their commitments.
If only I had had this insight & these tools when I was a child.
Thank you Dr Ramani!
Goosebumps listening to your thoughts on forgiveness
I’m so glad you talk about this subject. Didn’t know how to tell my friend cause she tended to blame herself about the narc relationship due to the wound
Hello Dr. Ramani, and greetings to you... this topic really deserves to be put in a book. It is truly interesting to understand how parent wounds might affect even the choices of their children in the future..
I'm not sure you ever really recover from having parents who were narcissists
There are amazing books that focus on the issue of narcissistic mothers and their daughters. I already read two, one by a psychologist and another by a survivor, as a collection of her experiences and thoughts. What's wonderful is that they not only talk about the issues and struggles that come form being broad up by a distant mother but they give you tools to heal your relationship with yourself, which is the only thing you can do to heal your mother wounds.
Please, Dr. Ramani, write a book on this!
Thank you so much, dr. Ramani 🙏🏻🙏🏻 the timing of this video is really spot-on. I've been slowly connecting the dots lately, after years and years of confusion and depression...it's extremely hard, but damn, it is also FREEING, like a cloud lifting up from the brain
Thanks!
I grew up in a wounded, volatile household with a narc mother. You start so far behind the starting line growing up with a narcissist mother. I’m 37 and I find relationships exhausting. I work so hard on myself, but I can’t deal with emotionally immature people anymore. I’m no longer triggered by my mother but I seem to constantly attract people with dismissive attachment, so friends & partners who don’t want intimacy or walk away after one problem. I’m so done
Dr Ramani you just described my parents! 😱
Thank you for the relief you provide Doc.
❤forgiveness and boundaries are the keys to freedom !!
Not everyone can or will reach forgiveness.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. No wounds with parents, both of whom are deceased. My regret is of a happening to me when I was younger. I did not answer my mother when she asked me a direct important question of the happening, out of fear of what someone else told me.
Crucial topic. Another term being used is “inner child wound” “inner core wound” “attachment wounds”.
Its helpful to explain what can (it’s still debatable) cause narcissistic behaviour but more importantly, it can help explain what can cause “co-dependents”, trauma-bonded victims to attach to narc people, and because they learned this is love, they abnormally seek it out and you end up finding out this is the same narcissistic person that is doing the same things the unavailable parent did, sometimes MUCH worse. It’s a terrible cycle/trap that must be healed and broken.
I just wanna say i love you and thank you for your work ❤❤❤
Thank you. I kept seeing “Mother wound” all over the place. Very little “father wound.” It just didn’t sit right with me. I have familial wounds. More than just one parent wound. I do have wounds from my mother, but that label gets my back up. It feels too generalized to have any therapeutic effect for me. Your research is appreciated.
I am in the thick of this horrible nightmare I’m 50 and I had to go no contact with my family of origin. Have narc. Mom, 4 nark siblings. My Dad is just a follower and marches to the orders of the head narc/Mom.
I’ve always felt different, I always felt not enough I had a fear of being left behind to the point of terrors and made a parent stay with me during any extra curricular activities as a young child.
I was treated different out of five children, I am the only one who had curfew. I am the only one who couldn’t leave the house until chores were done and inspected. Inspected with fingers and hands at a glacial pace to delay my ability to leave, I grew up thinking these were good things. Things taught me responsibility, things that taught me to be helpful to my parents and was very proud of it most of my life. But as I’ve become an adult married with children I see things much differently. I happen to have a beautiful life a life that I also worked hard for it wasn’t handed to me. I financially am in a very different tax bracket than my siblings and even my parents and I am nowhere near boastful or flaunt it. I typically shelter anything new I buy or anything that I’m doing until it’s something that’s going to be noticed and I say it after it’s purchased or after the fact and make it in a very non-important still no matter but still they view my lifestyle always with scrutiny and judgment and backstabbing talking the secrets the lies betrayals they tell are too many to count or too many to list but now with therapy, I need to go back in history and write those down because of course the narc controls the narrative that these are just made up things and then I am being ridiculous and I am a liar, and since they’re all grouped together, I am the outcast the scapegoat.
I am learning to love myself at 50 and see myself the way my husband does and my children and I have wonderful relationship with many of my childhood friends still snd beyond that I’ve kept all my life I’ve reached to them for support to try to see myself through their eyes but it’s very difficult
From one scapegoat to another I’m praying for you and your healing as well…❤
Dr. Ramani , you are so poignant in the delivery of your information. This has been so helpful!❤ Thank you
this is perfect i needed this video so badly! like all the narc vids are amazingly helpful but this just helps to heal the deep scars to begin with x thanks
Brilliant as always thank you!
G'day Dr Ramani.🐨
I was hearing "mother/father wound/pain" 12 years ago in a church program called "Living Waters". Their angle of approach on that was that your parent's didn't need to do bad things to you for you to have wounds/holes your were trying to heal/fill in subsequent relationships. The farther they fall short of providing a lot of the needs a child has, the more "wounded" you'll tend to be. The more those needs weren't fulfilled for understandable reasons, such as they both work 12 hours a day to keep a roof over your head, the harder it is to acknowledge them, and deal with them.
Yes, that resonates with me.
The more "normal" your family seems, the more difficult it is to notice for you and to heal.
Much more if your parents are decent people but really not attuned to your needs.
Thank you Dr. Ramani ❤
It IS complicated, because everyone is wounded. It’s also why people stay in narcissistic relationships. They can “feel” wounds in others, including narcissists and they feel they need to do something about it, losing sight of their own wounds. Narcissists rely upon this also.
I know I’ve been targeted often, because people who don’t even know me, see me that way, somehow. Probably how I got stopped in the parking lot, coming out of a store yesterday. I think the woman just needed someone to talk to. I know that I was, at first, really happy, when I thought my mother just needed a psychotherapist. An extra wound was when I found that she didn’t want help and could not be helped. I felt like a kid, who’s ice cream just fell off the cone and onto the hot pavement.
While my mother wasn’t always as strategically abusive, as she later became, I can see, with this video, how I probably became the fixer. Probably either one of or a major reason why I never married. I’m almost 60 and I’ve never had any adult romantic relationships, between career and maybe insidiously being the family fixer.
Both and with violence. Thank you so much it helps to hear it out loud. Frighteningly generational. Still processing ❤
I do not speak to my mother or father. Mother narcissist but father just never cared and tried for years and still didn’t. Same outcome
Needed this. Had a nightmare about mine last night. ❤❤❤
Best healing my adult kids did was 100% no contact with their father and his entire family. They realize the entire family are narcissistic/narcissists. I can clearly see how my ex’s mother created the trauma in her kids.
This☝️💯‼️
In 2008 at 37, and after more than 20 years of suffering from mild to severe depressions and burn-outs, I had 3 months of 24/7 inhouse group therapy at a renowned mental health institution. Not one therapist recognized - let alone acknowledged - that my father was a narcissist and my kind and gentle mother was not equipped to stand up or protect us from his aggressive and demanding behavior.
Luckily she divorced him when I was 10 but the damage was already done yet I only realized that until I was 37 and started reading about my diagnosis (depression disorder and signs of avoidance), the DSM 5 and other personality disorders like narcissism.
The renowned therapy according to the Tranasactional Analysis (by Berne) turned out to be just the beginning of the beginning of years and years of self discovery, self care and self healing. Because none of the psychologists I spoke to in 2008, nor in 2012 after my mom died, or in 2014 when I suffered a stroke, really got how deeply wounded I was and how low my feelings or self esteem were after years of being emotionally neglected, dismissed and physically and mentally hurt by my father, but also by others when my mother was ill and died, and when I sufferd a stroke myself. None of these therapist recognized my needs, it was all very superficial and without true results.
So I went on to heal myself again, all on my own. But with the help of you and Gabby Bernstein.
Thank you for explaining narcissism to the public.
Thank you for acknowledging the pain and suffering it is causing the ones who have to endure it because we (children) cannot escape it until we are aware of it and/or old enough.
Thank you for educating us about dealing with a narcissist.
Todays video perfectly sums up my history and my own conclusions from my person healing journey.
I am so happy to get this confirmation from you about my father and mother wounds, it’s a validation that this is real. But that we can choose to end it and heal ourselves.
I am glad my life went as it went and I have no children. It ends with me, healed and whole ❤️
My mother's favorite phrase ... "I did my duty according to my station in life" ugh. WTF does that even mean.
Sounds like it means, I did the best with what I had.
But why don't you ask her?
@@mschenandlerbong8539sounds like you had that said to you 😢
@@nicjacks203 No I never did. But as ive grown older I'm more sympathetic of how's hard it is to everything to everyone.
Thank you. I would love to hear more on this topic. This over view is very helpful. I struggle with compassion for her wounds - damn conditioning. Therapy has helped so much.
Excellent, had to find out what you say about this first. As you are a Psychologist- I feel I understand how you work, so can only learn from you. ❤❤❤ Thank you xxxx
Excellent ! Thanks Dc.!!
About a decade ago, the woman who raised me told me, "You've been insulting me YOUR ENTIRE LIFE" I couldn't believe a mother would say that to her child. I asked her, if she felt that way, why didn't she have an abortion when she found out she was pregnant with me? Unsurprisingly, I received no answer.
OMGoodness, What a shocking statement.
NO mother should ever say that to a child, EVER.
You are worthy of better, find great friends, even a "Clayton's" mother figure.
My heart goes out to you
@@JohannaVanDreumel I’ve created my own family and have women I look up to as mother figures. The damage was done long before the person who raised me said that. While going through old journal entries, I came across a direct quote from her that I had forgotten due to how well I was conditioned. Rereading it, I couldn’t believe it, and I think it's something to bring up in therapy. Thanks for the clarification-much appreciated.
@@JohannaVanDreumel I’ve created my own family and have women I look up to as mother figures. The damage was done long before the person who raised me said that. While going through old journal entries, I came across a direct quote from her that I had forgotten due to how well I was conditioned. Rereading it, I couldn’t believe it, and I think it's something to bring up in therapy. Thanks for the clarification-much appreciated.
I wish my narcissistic father loved me.
Thank you so much, I really needed this
Thank you
Oh boy do i ever have parent wounds.. This all resonates 🌷
I'm healing from a narcissistic mother and sibling. Thank you for your take on this parental thing DoctorRamani. I will no longer think about why they do what they do or their emotional trauma from childhood etc. You can choose a different way. I'm not responsible or need to take care of their trauma. Thats what I'm going to do, choose a differant path. I've seen parenting from a different perseptive through my father. RIP🙏. And thats the parent I strive to be one day. Someone empathetic who doesnt choose to let childhood experience define them.
Excellent Talk ❤
It was last month where I looked at long and significant (but immature) romantic partnerships in my teens and twenties, where i realized: I and those partners with me, we were ALL looking for missing parental affections within each other. Within the complimentarity of romance (eros) was a need for something parental, because we would be either gap-fillers, like human pacifiers with emotions being like mother's milk... Or corrective and instructive to each others' perceived shortcomings. It's like our romantic partnerships have a subtext of parenting, whether we like that or not. ...how dismaying that we're NEVER gonna fully get away from some of Freud's accuracy. 😅
For me, I have narcissistic tendencies/am a narcissist because of my biological father. It affected me so badly. I would’ve never been like this if I wasn’t around him in that environment.
You may have what they call ‘narcissistic flea’s’ it’s when you pick up the traits of narc parents as they are your main role models and sometimes in order to survive in their environment you mimic some of their behaviours. Doesn’t mean you are a narcissist. You would rarely find a full blown, true narcissist listening to these channels and admitting to their narcissism - they will generally play the victim and blame the victim and never reflect on their actions or take any accountability - your comment proves you are capable of this self awareness 😻
Whew the mother wound really hit home for me. I have a brother but our nmother doesn’t find his supply valuable because he’s autistic so I’ve also been the stand in “spouse”🤢
I would love to see a video about "mother wound" on boys. My narcissist parent beat / abused me for being bi and it would mean a lot to me to hear you talk about this dynamic more.
First 40 seconds says a lot of what I’ve been feeling the last 7 years. I estranged from my parents 7 years ago. In conversing with others about it for various reasons over time, I saw people just arguing over whether my parents were narcissistic, enabling, controlling, invalidating, scapegoating, entitled, toxic, etc. No one really cares how all this has deeply broken us internally and no one cares if we actually heal or not. I’m not interested in dictionary definitions, I’m interested in finding inner peace and happiness. That nobody seems to care about.
Thanks Dr. Ramani. I can and do feel sympathy for how hard my parent's lives were. But there was never room for my needs. The thing that got to me the most was that my mother made me the sole "saviour" in her plan for her life. She appeared to have considered no other option and was not a responsible person. As long as I was her interpretation of "happy" then she was "ok". That mean't I wasn't "allowed" to have issues/problems so I had to live in denial like her. This is poison and will not heal anything. I became more and more physically and mentally ill the more I denied my own needs. So I cut contact. My parent wound is that I am disappointed I never had the type of parental support I had wished for. But I am learning to let it go and focus on myself.
1000% Me! Narcissistic mother who was not supportive or empathetic to a father that had a bad upbringing. Granted, in that day you did not label your father as an alcoholic, but he was and needed love, something my mother could not give him, or me. Oddly she doted on the male offspring, my brothers. My father was rarely home and removed when I was in middle school. A life of care taking for my mother with little in return, in fact she would pit people against me. I am sure it was jealousy that I went to school and had a career and could support myself and my family. But I needed to end up that way because of the poverty her selfsih actions shed upon our family. So much to say. I have a book that needs to be written. Who would like to halp me?
Mother was in the navy and was deploying for 6 months at a time for the first 10 years of my life.
My dad was unemployed due to an accident which caused him to become disabled. When I was 5.
They never left each other
I think it’s important for people with parent wounds to also look into: “Emotional incest is a type of emotional abuse that occurs when a parent or caregiver treats a child as a romantic partner, rather than as a child. It can also be called covert incest or "enmeshment". The relationship is not physically or sexually intimate, but it can be inappropriate and unfair to the child”
Independence is a great life skill but not when it's developed from those who refused to step up to the plate and help.
That sounds quite like my life all right. Having to be a parent to my Mother and treated like a servant, yet not allowed any power or rights even as an adult. And relationships do, at least in my experience, require my disappearance and submission in order to be taken seriously. Looking for an equal partnership with a man has never gotten me anywhere.
As for my father, I barely know the man. I've met him perhaps six times in my life, and not one of them has been within the last thirty-five years.
My mom made me her husband, I am a daughter but she made me financially responsible for her and my siblings. Even after they were gone, I was still her husband. She started doing motherly things out of necessity to keep me bound to her so she had a place to live and vices to keep. I don't understand it all but it drove me nuts.
Thankyou Doctor Ramani, I have experienced a Father Wound who
1. Was Affected by Tourette Syndrome Coprolalia and Palilalia until my Mother was Alive
2. Transformed into a Narcissistic Abuser after my Mother's sudden death.
As a consequence it always used to be an Embarrassing Moments for me, my Mother and my Sibling because of my Father's Tourette Syndrome.
Later after my Mother Rested In Peace (R.I.P), in the year 2008, for almost a decade from yr 2008 to yr 2018, I had to handle my Transformed Narassistic Father.
There always used to be an Embarrassing Episodes which come what may always ended up in a very very Abusive, Agressive Episodes at times consisting of Physical Assaults.
This behaviour of my Father made me always look like
1. A Joker who was LOL by the Crowd
2. ADHD Child who tries to seek Sympathy
This entire Behaviour of my Father since my Childhood along with my Mother's sudden death in the year 2008 has created a Deep Wound, which I am trying Hard to Heal through the Online help of Mental Health Professionals.
So Thankyou again for this Specific Vlog.
Makes sense. This reminds me of and makes me wonder if this is any different than the fad that went thru a few decades ago when they were calling everything a father wound, then it was the mother wound, (or maybe it started the other way around)? Before we had as much research and understanding of so many things, including cptsd, attachment styles and wounds, personality disorders, mood disorders, eating disorders, etc etc. Everything was said to originate from and only needed a single type of treatment of the father/mother wound. Anyway, regardless, I'm so glad to gave as much access to info like Dr Ramani to help untangle our own wounds and their fallout, and especially know their behaviors aren't our fault.
Good video lesson thanks
So so true.
My mother. We were a family of 5 and only produced 2 biological children. Hopefully the wound didn't get passed on.
I've got both! If this is the description. Urrggh! Neither is attuned yet they expect me to be what they want. 😣
How do you handle it when the narcissist is the good parent?
But the other parent is so afraid of the narcissist going into rages that things are swept under the rug and bad decisions are made to not aggravate the narcissist.
The other parent who knows better purposely puts the Kids In Harm's Way just to keep the narcissist quiet.
I can love & forgive the narcissist who tried so hard to be a good parent( and truly loved me), but not the parent who repeatedly sacrificed me on the altar of placating his/her narcissist spouse.
Why not both?
@@Zerel510 how about neither.
“Modern” psychology needs to upgrade, I’m glad you are learning outside of it.
Mother wound, father wound, step-mother wound, narc ex wound, flying monkeys wounds, ......will it ever end?😢
What i am beginning to notice in myself as i try to heal is a bitterness, a rage and resentment and a desire for revenge. To hurt others as i do my own inner child..its like being a narcissist at the same time as having a wounded inner child. It is very distressing to find this going on in me and i do not know how to deal with it. I have both a narc mum and narc dad and no love or aupport from anyone else either when i was growing up.
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The big question is how to survive parents like that? Emotionally and or financially?
I don't have them, clearly they do. The abusers haven't changed a thing and continue to blame me which I don't accept like I've said before. I'm not playing their evil game, they make things up in their heads.
Can you address how we find peace when the enablers don’t believe us? This assumes we have radical acceptance about the narcissistic parent, but how do I fix this other piece when my mother turned the whole family against me by taking my reaction to her toxic behavior and playing victim. HELP!!
I have all the wounds.. mother wound, 2 siblings wounds. My father was not bad. He’s a good man. I don’t know if I will ever be able to function normally with people.
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