Tell me: did any of these symptoms or causes resonate with you? Do you think you have a father wound? To dive even deeper on this, download the guide and answer the question prompts inside: www.terricole.com/father-wound-101-guide AND if you want to dive deeper, join me for a free three-day training series about the father wound: terricole.com/training Begins on May 29th and recordings are available!
Thank you so much Terri, a topic on both father and mother wound would be a great follow up. It leaves a child to tend to their physical and emotional being all by themselves. Unable to connect, hyper vigilant, withdrawn and controlling are some symptoms.
1000% resonates! It is a very difficult subject for me. I have attachment issues and struggle to trust. Also a member of Adult Children and this fits in very well with that. This work is important to me and I just want to know how I can continue to parent myself and not push real love away. X
@@vivianespina5067 I have a lot of videos on the mother wound (and a course!). This is the first in a series of videos about the father wound, too. I also have a video on the impact of childhood neglect: ruclips.net/video/GF_24BNdR2o/видео.html
@@methodzactingacademy2293 It can be so hard ❤ I have some ideas on re-parenting in this video: ruclips.net/video/PcmeWkZXKB4/видео.html It's geared toward having a mother wound but the re-parenting concepts can still be useful!
My father ignored or verbally abused me. Once when I was 12 years I told him I wanted to spend some time with him. He exploded on me and called me a liar. I was so hurt and ashamed I went and hid in my closet. I never came out.
I had the best father a girl could have ever had. My father wound came as a result of a slowly debilitating illness that took his strength and mobility. I was the youngest of four children, two much older brothers (10 and 14years) and a sister 2 years older. As a very young child, before I could intellectualize what was happening around me, I absorbed the sad energy of his waning strength as a man and my mother's role as a contributing provider when he lost his job. I unconsciously looked to my older brothers for safety, security and attention. They were teenagers doing life where I couldn't go but desperately wanted to. They tolerated me but thought I was a brat and would brush me off when I would follow them around. We had a very loving family and my father did what he could to show us care and attention. I idolized and loved him very much but was so fearful that he would die when I was young. Consequently, all of my significant relationships have reflected my idolization of men who don't see me, get me or in the end, want me. A father's illness can be devastating for a daughter's future relationships, especially because it is not a behavioral choice.
Dear, I had the exact same experience as you 🙏🏼💜 he got aggressive leukemia when I was 19 and died when I was 21 (my mother was abusive,my father a saint) he was the only one I confided in...and I haven't found a man to do that with, they have been as you describe.
Oh ❤❤❤❤ this is so hard. I’ve been trying to navigate chronic illness, I have an eight-year-old daughter and any time or love or attention that I have goes to her. Her mom is a psychopathic abuser on the cluster spectrum. High functioning, but kind of passed her emotional level of capacity at this point. (I think she went through her abuse when she was 6 to 8 years old) Illness sucks!! When it takes everything out of you, all you want is to live and connect..
Thank you for mentioning illness as having the ability to create a wound. My mom was disabled and I took care of her for over 20 years. I was so afraid I was going to lose her and be alone because my dad wasn't there. I learned to never voice and rarely felt my emotions. I still have a lot of trouble to this day. My mother wasn't "bad" or at least I don't want to villainize her. Still, that kind of childhood cost me all the same. They both show up in my relationships.
Having a father in the navy , that was an alcoholic, and treated his kids like cadets …. Yeah I have a father wound 😕. Thank you for this video ! Finally I’m healing ❤
Air Force! Extremely depressed, suppressed alcoholism I think, because it does kind of run on both sides. We have a lot of Irish blood, a bit of Welsh and German. Most of the really extreme, visible and abusive stuff happened with my mom. But my dad was just completely shut down, traumatized. His dad was also in the military, Navy pilot in World War II. Abandoned by his parents, seven kids together they just raised themselves and each other! But obviously I’m being in the 1930s, in the depression. No real skills or understanding or mental health and knowledge, not via a longshot! Although this was also the arrow when alcoholics anonymous was born, the Oxford group, etc., so clearly there were a lot of people, doing this kind of work as well. Healing and exploring, psychology was growing, but it was still fairly niche and much more taboo than this today. Sending you a big hug, wee flower of Scotland! I bet u got a big huge heart tho even if you’re a wee flower. 😉🍀😘✨🌈🙏🏻👊🏻🦁🦁🌸🌸💝 from a garden lover & Maker in Cali, USA
When I say you sent me sideways when you said you believe you were the wrong gender for so long because of the father wound. I can't put into words how validating that was to hear another human being say they experienced that too. Thank you. I just started getting in touch and learning endlessly about stepping onto my femininity and that energy. It blew my mind wow.
My father was completely passive in the face of my mother. She was very controlling and had a very mean mouth on her. We DESPERATELY needed for him to tell her to sit down and be quiet. He never did.
Good day, my father passed away when I was 7. I now realize two marriages later, countless failed relationships. Also dating long distance, other countries, all you said makes so much sense. To note, I was journalling this morning, and then your video appeared. WOW... thank you ☺
Seen in adults w anger issues verbal or otherwise people see this reaction patterns its over tge top anger sometimes- displaced anger comes out on others.
I had a sexually abusive father who was also an alcoholic, ragaholic and verbally abusive. I once thought as a child that maybe if I had been born a boy, I wouldn’t have been abused and may have even been cherished because I saw from an early age how boys were treated better and had more opportunities. I used to put my mom on a pedestal and made my dad into the bad guy but my mom didn’t protect me from him even though she knew or had to know what was going on. That’s why I didn’t post anything on Mother’s Day b/c it’s still hard to reconcile that in my mind. So much tragedy resulted in our family later on from my dad’s abuse. How do I deal with the fact that it’s generational? I mean, my dad was abused growing up, his father (my grandfather) was an alcoholic and I suspect it’s gone on for generations. It just seems like a much bigger societal issue going back centuries. It’s why I chose not to have kids. I wanted to put a stop to the cycle of abuse in my family anyway. My ability to earn a living and have a good career has been greatly affected by my father. Thank you so much for your book and videos Terri Cole. ❤🙏👏☀️🌟
I am witnessing you with so much compassion 💕 Intergenerational trauma is REAL and it can be very difficult to break the cycle. I interviewed Dr. Mariel Buqué about it here: ruclips.net/video/RdZgodmJItI/видео.html She wrote a book called Break the Cycle: A Guide to Healing Intergenerational Trauma that I recommend.
Your timing of this video is perfect for my family. 3 generations family, all suffering from a father wound, were together this Mother’s Day weekend. We all spoke of how we are healing and what we can do to support each other. This video is the perfect accompaniment to the talk we had and I am, once again, so grateful for your channel and books. You have helped my family in so many ways and I am sharing this with them right now! Thank you!
Thank you for this. My Dad passed away when I was 4. It has just been me and Mum since then. The lack of self-esteem and protection led to me looking for love in the wrong places and having no boundaries. That then swung to hyper-indepence. I have really been coming back into balance in my 30s and I'm also grateful for the silver lining of self-reliance and freedom the situation gave me. Really looking forward to your course, as I feel ready to welcome in a healthy concious relationship 🙂
When I was 7, my raging alcoholic dad moved my alcoholic mom, baby sister and I up to Idaho from California. Promptly got into an affair and told my mother she needed to take us girls and leave back to California. It all happened within 90 days. I’ve searched for a Dad / man/ partner that won’t send me away and choose another woman for 47 years. Finally after getting sober myself, much therapy and videos like yours, I’m able to recognize this in my family dynamic and make changes I can to be healthier.
I am so sorry you experienced such an upheaval and betrayal in your childhood ❤️ I'm glad therapy + videos have helped you connect the dots! When we bring these things into our conscious mind we can absolutely make different choices 🙌
Dad worked two and three jobs or was outside with the animals and garden, so never really "there". Learning more about Mom, I'm finding out why. He just stayed gone to not fall into her narcissist traps., but financially provided.
Thanks for the upload on this topic this resonates with my life with my father he was emotionally not available and he was neglectful when I was a child plus he was also emotionally immature etc . Unfortunately he still denies everything plus he blames my mom for everything he takes no accountiblity . I still feel not good enough or worthless unfortunately all because what I experienced !
I am so sorry to hear that, Mike ❤️ You are worthy just by virtue of being here. But I know it's difficult to work through. I have a separate video on self-worth here: ruclips.net/video/Wksa1ulAIOo/видео.html
I can relate so much to your experience. The worst part is how they continue to deny any fault and place all of the blame on your mother, life being unfair, etc. I've created as much distance between the two of us as possible in order to re-parent myself, because of the impact both of my parents had on me. I wish you healing and clarity ❤
I have a father wound and a mother wound. Double whammy. Why did my brothers seem to not be affected like me? They all have families and careers, I'm 43 and still struggling. I'm happy and at peace mostly, but my self esteem was shredded by marrying a man in my 20's who abused me, 100 worse than my parents. 😢
I'm so sorry to hear that 💕 Did your parents relate to your brothers differently? Not all children grow up having the same experiences of their parents/caregivers.
Very very informative and interesting. I am currently in a very healthy relationship and we are engaged. We are taking the next step into marriage and I am noticing that my father wounds are reappearing. I also notice from time to time how I self-sabotage myself in the relationship with thoughts and feelings related to abandonment. How is it that I have attracted an amazing partner and still have a pending father wound that isn’t completely integrated ? I have been on the other side where I’ve attracted poor partners and this makes complete sense. Right now, it’s like I am being pushed to fully heal the final pieces of this father wounds so I do not self-sabotage myself, my current partnership, and even other relationships in my life (work, furthering education) etc.
I see you 💕 I think it is possible that you're being pushed to integrate the final pieces. I had to go through the same with my husband, Vic, when we met. It was not a walk in the park, but it was so worth it.
Thank you for your personal sharing. Adds power to your message. How blessed you are to have a wonderful husband. In many ways I married my father. 😢 He was a terrible father. That marriage ended long ago.
My dad would have me do chores and I would do a great job. He would always say it’s good but you should have done this or that. I could never get a positive reinforcement from him
My sister just shared this video with me. I am looking forward to reading your book. I have done a lot of work in response to my father wounds. I had a real father that abandoned me after my mother left him and a stepfather that abused me in all the ways possible. Throw in a mother wound on top of that and you have profound wounds that go deep. Yes the symptoms you discussed resonate. I feel though that I have so much untapped potential that I did not achieve unlike you who was driven to succeed to prove yourself. I am 60 now and have done a lot of work but if there is anything energetically I need to heal I am always open to that. You definitely see the impact of the wound and how it played out in my relationships with men. I have learned just like you said that we can grow from these experiences and find the gift that they give us. Thank you for the discussion.💛
Thank you for watching and sharing your experiences (and thank you to your sister who shared this with you!) ❤️ I have a whole series on mother wounds as well, in case you want to check it out: ruclips.net/p/PLMaWdZCQtiJ8cIK6K5juupfnQEZSlh7Qk
Hi Terry, OMG, you just touched on all the wounds my father left in this episode. It made a lot of sense to me. I ended up marrying someone who resembles my father a lot. I'm super independent and, in a way, strict about my convictions. But I still ask for help from all the men I know, hoping they would do what my father didn't-yet I never get the help I need. Eventually, I find myself needing to be stronger and more independent because the men I know somehow are too weak to provide anything 🥴
I had a great relationship with my father but it was cut short when he died when i was 7. My stepfather was abusive, but i knew not to really get close to him and not expect him to act like my father anyway.
Your channel has been so beneficial to me, I appreicate how you relate your own life experiences to contextualise the issues. I too got into the work of healing from my childhood stuff because I realized I was struggling in this area of love, family and relationships and I just couldn't figure it out. Opening myself up to explore this things is usually scary at first because the hearttbreak can be so daunting.. My father wounds are around fearing my dad when I was growing up and developing perfectionism and a need for control as a way to counter the fear of rejection and abandonment. Also there's alot of anxiety there because of constantly having to be vigilant and being over giving and never letting myself to receive
I am so thankful for this. I have done a sh*t load of healing but have known for the past few years that my father wound is not fully adressed. Thank you for this, this will guide me deeper into my true self. I fall under the category of "just" being neglected, and it has been very subtle. I carried shame for years for not coping better than I did with life because there were no obvious issues within my family. Or so I thought. Question: is it possible for a very sensitive girl to feel almost traumatised for not being emotionally mirrored by (any of) her parents, but in this case my father? I was introverted, very sensitive and no one else in my family was, so I felt very alone in my sensitivity and spent most of my days fantasising about a world I could relax in, which got me into trouble when I started dating, since by then an attachment wound had formed dysfunctional relationship patterns. My father was social, outgoing, playful but never solid when it came to the inner experience of being human. And he certainly wasn't interested in me beyond daily pleasantries. He shut me down ever so often when I asked him things about human and emotional matters, and I felt rejected and ultimately abandoned. Since then I don't really trust men to be emotionally present for me, although I know now that they exist, I just want to heal this so I can choose wisely from the emotionally present ones. I am so glad I found this today!
Thank you for sharing 💕 Emotional neglect in childhood and/or having unattuned parents can have a huge impact on us. I think you know the truth of what you experienced, and you have a right to that truth. I have a whole series of father wound videos here that might help you explore this further: ruclips.net/p/PLMaWdZCQtiJ998hZfFYuGWqN0RPxP4nyy
Stil taking care off him, hate it i am 60. Feeling Guilty when i can not see him because i am working And have my on life with my family. He is also in my head when I am alone home. Its so crazy❤
I was reared to respect my young adult brother who was perceived by my mother as an authority figure for me. While I was a daddy’s girl to my father, he worked long hours and also died just before I became an adult. My brother felt burdened by his absence and was emotionally unpredictable, and would yell at me. You would think a sibling relationship wouldn’t matter as much as the parent, but culture can do that. I believe most of my low self esteem comes from that misappropriation of authority.
Hi Terry, I just want to say thank you so much for your work. Your book changed my life and your videos saved my sanity. I now have so much peace within myself and in my familial relationship because of your work. I pray for your continued success. Love Always, Dalia
I lost my birthright to my brother because I was born a female and my father literally said I'm leaving the house to your brother because he's going to need it when he gets married but some guy will buy you a house. When we were children My parents split up and I've seen him maybe 10 times in my entire life. He never provided any emotional or financial support for us. My mother had to carry that load and oftentimes we went hungry. It was at my mother's funeral that he told me he was gonna leave the house to my brother because he was a boy and I was not. At that point he wanted desperately to be recognized by my brother,but My brother hated him for what he did to our family. I On the other hand followed him around like a puppy dog Trying to get any love I could from someone who was incapable of giving it. This has affected my entire life with every Man I've ever been involved with !!!! How in God's name do I Heal from this curse that has followed me around my entire life ????
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Judy ❤️ I am doing a free 3-day training around the father wound and going over some ways we can heal. If you'd like to attend or watch the replays, just sign up here: terricole.com/training
My father worked away from home during the week and when he was home spent time with the neighbors or just tuned us out. Very little interaction. I had no idea…
Last year I moved father in with me because he was ill. It became so incredibly clear at that point that I indeed have a father wound and why I ended up in so many dysfunctional relationships. I feel he is still wounding me though, and I am ready to embark on my journey of releasing this. Looking forward to hearing how we can move past the father wound. I’m so done with this pattern.
I am witnessing you with compassion, Rochelle ❤️ While I'll be publishing more videos, I'm also doing a free 3-day training where I'll go over some things we can do to heal. If you're interested you can sign up here: terricole.com/training It's happening May 29, 30, and 31 from 12-1:15 pm Eastern, but recordings will be available!
@@terri_cole Hi, I'm new to your channel. Loved this video (I subbed right away) 😃 I just missed the 3 day training. Where will I be able to find more information on the recording please?
Yes I do and he was wonderful for the first half of my life and then the second half he was scathing and neglectful and at times even cruel. So it's confusing! I know why he was like this though so I can give him compassion. Basically he suffered with my mentally ill mother, and remarried discarding me. for me it has meant that I am single at 50 and very hyper independent. And I feel like I am always having to prove myself every single day at work and it's very tiring. And when I don't win at proving myself - I feel completely hopeless and lost.
I am witnessing you with compassion and sending love 💕 Exploring why you feel the need to prove yourself everyday at work via journaling might be helpful. What might happen if you stopped trying to prove yourself and instead believed you were capable? Of course, some industries DO want you to go above and beyond- I'm not saying to sit back and relax and do nothing or risk losing your job, but to fulfill your tasks and dial it back a little. You can do it as a thought experiment at first and see how it feels to think about doing less. It might also help to journal about outsourcing your worth to your job- you're leaving your worth in the hands of your colleagues, managers, or bosses, and it makes sense you'd feel lost when you "don't win" at proving yourself. You need to take your power back 💕
I was call the B-word by my father in a burst of anger. Is it possible that one event could have given me PTSD? There were other angry outbursts but that’s the one I have never forgotten.
I'm so sorry to hear that 💕 It sounds like it was a significant moment for you and might be worth processing with a therapist if that is accessible to you.
Thank you for the video! I had two really big realizations while listening. 1. Both of my parents were either too neglectful or too critical, which made the neglect seem better. One was an addict and the other was either uninterested or too interested to the point where I didn’t have an identity of my own, which was really about how they look to the outside world. And 2. Both of my parents were basically abandoned by one or both of their parents. One was sent away early in life to live with a grandparent, while their mother went on to have a new family and the other lost their mother early in life to childbirth and was raised by a tyrannical father. 🤦🏾♀️ Talk about the crappy stars aligning!
My father was physically and emotionally absent, I thought when I met my husband, he was the antithesis of my father. As it turns out, he was physically absent much of the time and cheated and lied to me throughout our marriage. And he abandoned me. Guess, I have lots to heal.
I am wondering if having a father who was not able to deal with my narcissistic mother or protect us from her rages and unreasonable behaviour is also a father eound of sorts? I can see how he was codependant and kind of gave up fighting against her but its a conflicting feeling that he was the nice parent but also weak in a lot of ways.
The relationship with my dad was good but him being a little person made him handicapped & disconnected to reality he really couldn't do a lot of activities with us due to height restrictions it led him to feel really down about missing out on a lot of great times with his girls but we still tried our best to involve him with simple activities such as video games watching movies but I felt as though if I had a normal size dad I would have been able to accomplish & progress more I say that because his emotions I felt rubbed off on to us him always feeling embarrassed bout his physical differences being constantly sadden about it so it always made me feel at a disadvantage when he didn't show up to my school basketball games or even the school functions etc I felt like a failure academically because I didn't have that strong fatherly support
My father wound is abandonment. My father committed suicide when I was twelve and I consistently find myself in relationships with unavailable men. It boggles my mind mind that what hurt us most in our childhood is what we end up being attracted to.
I am so, so sorry to hear that and am sending love ❤️❤️ It's almost like we're just seeking out what's familiar to us because it feels safe (and because it gives us that chance at a do-over and getting a better outcome). It's super painful.
I see there are other armed forces kids here. I had a father in the army, told myself I was a daddy’s girl, only because he was not around to discipline us like our mother. 45 years of age, my high achieving life has unravelled and a confrontation with my parents revealed that my father thinks I didn’t amount to much. I thought at first he dislikes me and then I realised he actually doesn’t care that much. Like genuinely I don’t know if he’ll grieve long if I stop being on the earth. And my mother can’t contradict him since she loves being his special one. On the face of it we are a close knit family.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending you love ❤️❤️ If you believe you are in danger of harming yourself or feel like you're going through a crisis, please reach out to a professional therapist, a friend, or a trusted member of your family or clergy so you are not alone during this time. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK. The call is free and confidential, and the crisis workers are there 24/7 to assist you. I hope you find the resources helpful, and I am also sending you strength and courage to get through this. ❤️
@@terri_cole and thank you for your concern. I do have suicidal ideation from time to time and this past year has been a vale of tears but I’m in very good hands with my therapist and regular yoga. My therapist is an angel like you seem to be. Thanks again, much appreciated.
Hello I'm from Australia 🤗✨🇦🇺 I'm a new subscriber....the father wound heading stood out to me.....I'm 57 and apparently my father left when I was 3 apparently he is still alive but I refuse to breach out because I don't understand how you can diss own your children and pretend they don't exist. So I definitely have a father wound...and I carnt even have relationships with men so I stay single.
I think I really may have a father wound. He was more so physically absent because he was military AND worked, leaving us with my narc mother. Then when he went back to school, she sabotaged it. And he also would come home and change and leave again and she’d leave right away.
Thank you for your content, Terri! ❤ However, there is something people don't really mention and I was wondering if you could talk about it (or maybe you did and I missed it). You said many times that healthy relationships are healing for people with father wound. However, I haven't heard to talk about how difficult it is to date someone healthy, at least in the beggining. When you realize you are worthy of love and your partner gives you love, but doesn't give you as much as a perfect dad would. I feel like the acknowledgment of your father not being there is one thing, but then an acknowledgement that your partner whom you love and who loves you will also not be your father figure, is a different thing. Or maybe it's the fact that you never had a healthy love, so it feels weird, and rather than healing, it can feel pretty confusing...
I think having a healthy partner can help with the father wound, but certainly doesn’t heal it! We all need to do that internal work as well to understand our father wounds deeply and grieve the loss of the father we never got to have. I believe we can do that while also appreciating the love in our lives. I understand that appreciation can be difficult in the beginning when you’re used to a love that isn’t as healthy. This can feel confusing and it’s important to reflect and listen to yourself. What feels different about what you’re currently experiencing and what feels right/wrong about that? Where have you or haven’t you felt this before? Spend time understanding your reactions and give yourself love and compassion while you are growing and changing. I hope that helps ❤️
I think most of us older women know if we have a father wound and why we do! I don’t see how filling out a form and reading a book can solve the problem! I went to a few therapists over the years that did not help me , at all, they had no clue! Better Help does not accept insurance and is expensive!
Hi Cathy- I'm sorry to hear you haven't had a good experience with therapists and that BetterHelp is out of reach for you. I am publishing this free series in hopes that it will help folks in your situation. It's not necessarily about "filling out a form and reading a book"- it's about honoring and integrating your childhood experiences, reparenting yourself, connecting the dots, and figuring out how having an unhealed father wound is still impacting your life and how to change it. Quite a few women in my crew did not realize they had a father wound until I began speaking about it as it still isn't that well known, and I'm just trying to raise awareness. Good on you that you're already aware of yours and trying to heal. I wish you all the best. ❤️
My father was present but absent. There, but only technically. I'm 41 now and have never had an actual conversation about anything that isn't extremely surface level. I love him, he was never harsh or unkind. He's also a people pleasing doormat to my narc control freak mother. It was only in the last couple years that I realized it wasn't that he necessarily didn't want to be an active parent, it was that my mother didn't allow him to have a say. Exactly the way we kids weren't given a single household chore to do growing up, not because we were coddled brats, but because we could do nothing right by our mother, not even the dishes. Touching her appliances? Absolutely forbidden. Trying to clean up a mess of broken glass? Just get out of the way and let her do it. If there were drops of water in the left side of the sink, we would be called in to answer for it. And that was how she treated my father with the raising of the kids. I wish just once he would have taken a stand when he didn't agree with her. Oh the damage that dynamic caused us all...
Iam so laughing 😂 cause it feels so good that your dad sounds EXACTLY like mine when you talked about the scattering with watching tv. Did you live eith us.Even the dog would leave when he came in a room. I thought it was just him. But thanks for sharing it was common, but still not healthy... or ok to be scared of a parent.
Totally related to all you shared. Due to my father wounds, relationships with males have been so unhealthy. Still on the journey of overcoming this. Thanks for sharing such informative content.
Hahaha! At a ripe old age of 61 I just realized that I did not only have a mother wound [I knew that all of my life] - but that I clearly have a father wound too. How did I find out - during dating! I recently started talking with a man that is considerably older than I am, and I am not physically attracted whatsoever, don't even like him all that much [cranky and grumbling most of the time, LOL] but I crave the interaction and conversation with him to the point of it becoming a bit of an obsession. When I realized that I craved his approval and a pat on the head [he is very accomplished in a number of professions, intelligent and clearly well educated] - that's when I realized that I obviously had some unresolved "not good enough" daddy issues, LOL. This is actually funny to figure out at this age, but also very annoying! Just when I thought I had worked through all of my childhood neglect and relationship issues - this comes up! Downright ridiculous but also so sad...
Thank you for sharing ❤️ I love that you were so aware of what was happening, though- that you realized you were seeking his approval and figured you had more to work on. Amazing level of self-awareness. And you're so not alone ❤️
@@terri_cole Thanks Terri. I actually made the connection when I compared my interactions with 2 men in this same age range - both are similarly educated, I have no physical attraction for either and I have great conversations with both. But one triggers the hell out of me, while the other one doesn't - and thinking about the difference between my reactions to both, led me to that conclusion. I use this as a learning opportunity for better interactions with my next mate/partner :)
Besides my narcissist Mother My father criticized me, belittled me, called me names, compared me to other girls, compared my body, love bombed me then one day his”love” disappeared it was gone. I realized I was never enough for him.😔All my life I’ve been seeking for his approval but now at my late30s I have realized it’s never going to happen it’s a fantasy. The consequences of his actions has left me emotionally broken I have tons of insecurities I don’t like myself I have no self worth I have been yearning for a fatherly love and end seek it from the wrong partners I feel lost lonely and angry for all my time wasted and leaving me emotionally destroyed.
Oh, what an important topic....nop it wasn't normal...way to many boundries transpassed;-) and to much responsability for his happiness/healing on my back....exemplar fawning respons;-)...became a beachvolley champion to prove to him he is worth it-trying to make him feel proud of having such a dauther...ah ah ah...p.s.see you soon on our interview❤;-)🎉
My dad worked hard to set me up for life, but he was emotionally abusive at the same time. He would try to belittle me at every single chance well into my thirties. I’m not talking to him anymore but the anger is still easily triggered. I have an embedded tendency to compete and pick fights with men, especially those in power positions. Guess what’s the root cause of that.
My dad was a lovely man, but not home much due to work commitments. So mum was the main carer, she weidled a lot of control, maybe narcissistic, regardless, I had a different relationship with my mum (adopted mother) no real bond/attachment/ she had her own unsolved issues I guess. I loved my dad (adopted dad) but he was not home much .
I was adopted at age 7 weeks to older parents, comfortable home, financially secure etc It’s hard to find abuse in my childhood, I had an older adopted sibling (not biological) who was the princess child, dad had long work hours, and my adopted mum was the matriarch of the home. I left home at 17 and never returned. I’m twice divorced, 4 children, totally estranged from my 3 oldest children (23 years no contact) their choice. I was a chronic alcoholic, and damaged my own children because of my childhood wounds. Thank you Terri for your support and valuable insights. So glad to hear your healing path led you to find Vic ❤
You're so welcome, Maria. Thank you for sharing your experience ❤️ Absence and neglect can cause so much pain. Abuse doesn't always need to be present for there to be wounds.
My father was Pissed that we were Girls. 3 of us. Hated his younger brother because he had 3 boys. I hardly remember any interaction with him. What I do remember is his physical abuse of my Mother, his cheating on her. It was my Mother that scared me of my father by saying...Wait til your Father gets home; never once do I recall him husting us. Just non present as far as us girls were concerned. The men in my adult life; Cheaters and Emotionally unavailable.
That is terrible! Being afraid of both parents when they are supposed to be protecting you and giving you a safe environment! I hope you have found some healing!
I was youngest of seven. Very quiet autistic mother (I was recently diagnosed at age 68 with autism and ADHD myself). He was a huge liar even when not necessary. He beat and choked my mother often, beat my older siblings with a leather razor strap. We were always running and trying to hide from him. He was incestuous with my two much older sisters and later with me from age 2 to 9; stopping when he was hurt at his job and was disabled after that, thank God. His enormous outbursts of anger were intense. Now I believe he was possibly bipolar.
@@terri_cole Thank you for your kindness. Apologies for the wordy reply. Tried talk therapy since age 19 for extreme hypervigiliance, anxiety, panic, phobias, nightmares, and distrust. This body anxiety has led to many painful body issues...migraines, fibromyalgia, bruxism, burning mouth syndrome, GI issues, small fiber peripheral polyneuropathy. Talk therapy always exacerbated symptoms. I'm determined to fix my brain and won't give up. Two years ago I finally lost my life long need to please people, a very self-destructive habit that led to three marriages to narcissistic men, always trying to find a good father for my sons from first marriage, but finally gave up on that. It is a relief to have no man in my life. I've been alone and celibate since 2001 now, which is a better life for me now at age 70. People make me very anxious. I sense their emotions, intentions, and insincerity which adds to anxiety. I've always been a strong researcher, very helpful in my former work. Currently I'm looking into EMDR, possibly psilocybin to reset my brain. There has been good research on MDMA as well. What are your thoughts? Any information would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. 🙏
I definitely recommend looking into EMDR! It helped me with my PTSD ❤️ If you also identify as highly sensitive or as an empath, you might want to look into energy work as well. It can help you manage the overwhelm of being able to sense other people's emotions. I love my pal, Lara Riggio, as a starting point: larariggio.com/ But I'm sure you can find a lot of energy teachers and healers on RUclips. I hope you find something that works for you ❤️
Highly critical Over protective Raged unexpectedly Spanked w/ a belt Pulled ears Knocked hard on my head Has ADD Has OCD PERFECTIONIST Very controlling I never knew him, truly Neglectful Emotionally abusive Picked on/bullied me Absent He'd spank me with his belt, send me to my room, I'd cry for hours until I fell asleep, wake in the morning, timidly walk into the kitchen in the morning and everybody acted like nothing had happened. This made me feel alone, crazy, too sensitive, like I was invisible....it was SO hurtful. It changed me and shaped me 😢 Perfectionism, oh heck yeah.
I have a major Father Wound related to my dads BPD like symoptoms. (I know BPD is pretty uncommon in men which makes me feel all the more alone in this). I cannot trust men at all or get close to them. i'm always waiting for them to snap.
No ,I don’t have any father wound, my dad Ram Yatan Singh was always loving,caring towards me ,he guarded, cared me from kid stage to college then he married me of, I have only mother wound 😢who didn’t cared at all,
@@terri_cole . I'm over it, I know he had demons. I felt sorry for my Mother. 8 children in 10 years. She was exasperated enough to have such a hateful miserable cheating husband. We had to walk on eggshells. You can imagine the legacy he left
Yes, it would be whoever fills the role of the paternal impactor. Even an uncle, older brother, or grandfather can cause a father wound. It just depends on who raised you!
Hey Terri, really nice video ! I was wondering if I could help you with Best Quality Editing in your videos better than your Editor with good pricing and also make a highly engaging Thumbnail which will help your videos to reach to a wider audience ? Pls let me know what do you think ?
Thank you Terri. Your words touched me so much. I basically stay away from men altogether. I don’t know what it is to be taken care of by a man, I feel unsafe.
Tell me: did any of these symptoms or causes resonate with you? Do you think you have a father wound? To dive even deeper on this, download the guide and answer the question prompts inside: www.terricole.com/father-wound-101-guide AND if you want to dive deeper, join me for a free three-day training series about the father wound: terricole.com/training Begins on May 29th and recordings are available!
100%
Thank you so much Terri, a topic on both father and mother wound would be a great follow up. It leaves a child to tend to their physical and emotional being all by themselves. Unable to connect, hyper vigilant, withdrawn and controlling are some symptoms.
1000% resonates! It is a very difficult subject for me. I have attachment issues and struggle to trust. Also a member of Adult Children and this fits in very well with that. This work is important to me and I just want to know how I can continue to parent myself and not push real love away. X
@@vivianespina5067 I have a lot of videos on the mother wound (and a course!). This is the first in a series of videos about the father wound, too. I also have a video on the impact of childhood neglect: ruclips.net/video/GF_24BNdR2o/видео.html
@@methodzactingacademy2293 It can be so hard ❤ I have some ideas on re-parenting in this video: ruclips.net/video/PcmeWkZXKB4/видео.html It's geared toward having a mother wound but the re-parenting concepts can still be useful!
My father ignored or verbally abused me. Once when I was 12 years I told him I wanted to spend some time with him. He exploded on me and called me a liar. I was so hurt and ashamed I went and hid in my closet. I never came out.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Gertrude ❤️❤️
Thank you, being raised in an abusive home is a tremendous load on a child. 60yrs later still trying to get rid of it.
It absolutely is a tremendous load that no child is meant to carry. ❤️❤️
I had the best father a girl could have ever had. My father wound came as a result of a slowly debilitating illness that took his strength and mobility. I was the youngest of four children, two much older brothers (10 and 14years) and a sister 2 years older. As a very young child, before I could intellectualize what was happening around me, I absorbed the sad energy of his waning strength as a man and my mother's role as a contributing provider when he lost his job. I unconsciously looked to my older brothers for safety, security and attention. They were teenagers doing life where I couldn't go but desperately wanted to. They tolerated me but thought I was a brat and would brush me off when I would follow them around. We had a very loving family and my father did what he could to show us care and attention. I idolized and loved him very much but was so fearful that he would die when I was young. Consequently, all of my significant relationships have reflected my idolization of men who don't see me, get me or in the end, want me. A father's illness can be devastating for a daughter's future relationships, especially because it is not a behavioral choice.
Thank you so much for sharing, and I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
Dear, I had the exact same experience as you 🙏🏼💜 he got aggressive leukemia when I was 19 and died when I was 21 (my mother was abusive,my father a saint) he was the only one I confided in...and I haven't found a man to do that with, they have been as you describe.
Oh ❤❤❤❤ this is so hard. I’ve been trying to navigate chronic illness, I have an eight-year-old daughter and any time or love or attention that I have goes to her. Her mom is a psychopathic abuser on the cluster spectrum. High functioning, but kind of passed her emotional level of capacity at this point. (I think she went through her abuse when she was 6 to 8 years old)
Illness sucks!! When it takes everything out of you, all you want is to live and connect..
Thank you for mentioning illness as having the ability to create a wound.
My mom was disabled and I took care of her for over 20 years.
I was so afraid I was going to lose her and be alone because my dad wasn't there.
I learned to never voice and rarely felt my emotions. I still have a lot of trouble to this day.
My mother wasn't "bad" or at least I don't want to villainize her.
Still, that kind of childhood cost me all the same. They both show up in my relationships.
Having a father in the navy , that was an alcoholic, and treated his kids like cadets …. Yeah I have a father wound 😕. Thank you for this video ! Finally I’m healing ❤
❤️❤️❤️
Air Force! Extremely depressed, suppressed alcoholism I think, because it does kind of run on both sides. We have a lot of Irish blood, a bit of Welsh and German. Most of the really extreme, visible and abusive stuff happened with my mom. But my dad was just completely shut down, traumatized. His dad was also in the military, Navy pilot in World War II. Abandoned by his parents, seven kids together they just raised themselves and each other! But obviously I’m being in the 1930s, in the depression. No real skills or understanding or mental health and knowledge, not via a longshot! Although this was also the arrow when alcoholics anonymous was born, the Oxford group, etc., so clearly there were a lot of people, doing this kind of work as well. Healing and exploring, psychology was growing, but it was still fairly niche and much more taboo than this today.
Sending you a big hug, wee flower of Scotland!
I bet u got a big huge heart tho even if you’re a wee flower. 😉🍀😘✨🌈🙏🏻👊🏻🦁🦁🌸🌸💝 from a garden lover & Maker in Cali, USA
Ps Never a Dick, except to dicks!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂 got no time for toxic POS’s 🤜🏻🤛🏻👊🏻👊🏻✊🏻👊🏻✊🏻🤜🏻🤛🏻🤜🏻🤛🏻✌🏼🤞🏼🤘🏻🤘🏻
‘Not emotionally available & disordered boundaries’ 😮 I felt both of those
I see you ❤️
When I say you sent me sideways when you said you believe you were the wrong gender for so long because of the father wound. I can't put into words how validating that was to hear another human being say they experienced that too. Thank you. I just started getting in touch and learning endlessly about stepping onto my femininity and that energy. It blew my mind wow.
I am so glad it was validating for you 💕
My father was completely passive in the face of my mother. She was very controlling and had a very mean mouth on her. We DESPERATELY needed for him to tell her to sit down and be quiet. He never did.
So painful ❤️
Good day, my father passed away when I was 7. I now realize two marriages later, countless failed relationships. Also dating long distance, other countries, all you said makes so much sense. To note, I was journalling this morning, and then your video appeared. WOW... thank you ☺
I'm so glad my story resonated and helped you connect some dots ❤️
This also applies to jobs/careers where we choose to work.
Seen in adults w anger issues verbal or otherwise people see this reaction patterns its over tge top anger sometimes- displaced anger comes out on others.
I had a sexually abusive father who was also an alcoholic, ragaholic and verbally abusive. I once thought as a child that maybe if I had been born a boy, I wouldn’t have been abused and may have even been cherished because I saw from an early age how boys were treated better and had more opportunities. I used to put my mom on a pedestal and made my dad into the bad guy but my mom didn’t protect me from him even though she knew or had to know what was going on. That’s why I didn’t post anything on Mother’s Day b/c it’s still hard to reconcile that in my mind. So much tragedy resulted in our family later on from my dad’s abuse. How do I deal with the fact that it’s generational? I mean, my dad was abused growing up, his father (my grandfather) was an alcoholic and I suspect it’s gone on for generations. It just seems like a much bigger societal issue going back centuries. It’s why I chose not to have kids. I wanted to put a stop to the cycle of abuse in my family anyway. My ability to earn a living and have a good career has been greatly affected by my father. Thank you so much for your book and videos Terri Cole. ❤🙏👏☀️🌟
I am witnessing you with so much compassion 💕 Intergenerational trauma is REAL and it can be very difficult to break the cycle. I interviewed Dr. Mariel Buqué about it here: ruclips.net/video/RdZgodmJItI/видео.html She wrote a book called Break the Cycle: A Guide to Healing Intergenerational Trauma that I recommend.
Thank you. I appreciate your comments and link. I’ll definitely watch it. ❤
@@MMM2World I am sorry this happens to you. Hope you find some healing.
Thank you. I have done a lot of healing because of it all.
Your timing of this video is perfect for my family. 3 generations family, all suffering from a father wound, were together this Mother’s Day weekend. We all spoke of how we are healing and what we can do to support each other. This video is the perfect accompaniment to the talk we had and I am, once again, so grateful for your channel and books. You have helped my family in so many ways and I am sharing this with them right now! Thank you!
I am so glad you were able to have that discussion together 💕 How amazing! And you're welcome ❤️
Thank you for this. My Dad passed away when I was 4. It has just been me and Mum since then. The lack of self-esteem and protection led to me looking for love in the wrong places and having no boundaries. That then swung to hyper-indepence.
I have really been coming back into balance in my 30s and I'm also grateful for the silver lining of self-reliance and freedom the situation gave me.
Really looking forward to your course, as I feel ready to welcome in a healthy concious relationship 🙂
I love that, Kirsty ❤️ Thank you for sharing, and I look forward to seeing you inside!
When I was 7, my raging alcoholic dad moved my alcoholic mom, baby sister and I up to Idaho from California. Promptly got into an affair and told my mother she needed to take us girls and leave back to California. It all happened within 90 days. I’ve searched for a Dad / man/ partner that won’t send me away and choose another woman for 47 years. Finally after getting sober myself, much therapy and videos like yours, I’m able to recognize this in my family dynamic and make changes I can to be healthier.
I am so sorry you experienced such an upheaval and betrayal in your childhood ❤️ I'm glad therapy + videos have helped you connect the dots! When we bring these things into our conscious mind we can absolutely make different choices 🙌
Dad worked two and three jobs or was outside with the animals and garden, so never really "there". Learning more about Mom, I'm finding out why. He just stayed gone to not fall into her narcissist traps., but financially provided.
Thank you for sharing 💕
Thanks for the upload on this topic this resonates with my life with my father he was emotionally not available and he was neglectful when I was a child plus he was also emotionally immature etc . Unfortunately he still denies everything plus he blames my mom for everything he takes no accountiblity . I still feel not good enough or worthless unfortunately all because what I experienced !
I am so sorry to hear that, Mike ❤️ You are worthy just by virtue of being here. But I know it's difficult to work through. I have a separate video on self-worth here: ruclips.net/video/Wksa1ulAIOo/видео.html
I can relate so much to your experience. The worst part is how they continue to deny any fault and place all of the blame on your mother, life being unfair, etc. I've created as much distance between the two of us as possible in order to re-parent myself, because of the impact both of my parents had on me. I wish you healing and clarity ❤
I have a father wound and a mother wound. Double whammy.
Why did my brothers seem to not be affected like me? They all have families and careers, I'm 43 and still struggling.
I'm happy and at peace mostly, but my self esteem was shredded by marrying a man in my 20's who abused me, 100 worse than my parents. 😢
I'm so sorry to hear that 💕 Did your parents relate to your brothers differently? Not all children grow up having the same experiences of their parents/caregivers.
Very very informative and interesting. I am currently in a very healthy relationship and we are engaged. We are taking the next step into marriage and I am noticing that my father wounds are reappearing. I also notice from time to time how I self-sabotage myself in the relationship with thoughts and feelings related to abandonment. How is it that I have attracted an amazing partner and still have a pending father wound that isn’t completely integrated ?
I have been on the other side where I’ve attracted poor partners and this makes complete sense. Right now, it’s like I am being pushed to fully heal the final pieces of this father wounds so I do not self-sabotage myself, my current partnership, and even other relationships in my life (work, furthering education) etc.
I see you 💕 I think it is possible that you're being pushed to integrate the final pieces. I had to go through the same with my husband, Vic, when we met. It was not a walk in the park, but it was so worth it.
Thank you for your personal sharing. Adds power to your message. How blessed you are to have a wonderful husband. In many ways I married my father. 😢 He was a terrible father. That marriage ended long ago.
I'm so sorry to hear that, Ramona 💕 You're not alone.
❤️how you talk about your awesome husband! So refreshing
❤️❤️
My dad would have me do chores and I would do a great job. He would always say it’s good but you should have done this or that. I could never get a positive reinforcement from him
So painful ❤️
Never approves right.. can understand😢
My sister just shared this video with me. I am looking forward to reading your book. I have done a lot of work in response to my father wounds. I had a real father that abandoned me after my mother left him and a stepfather that abused me in all the ways possible. Throw in a mother wound on top of that and you have profound wounds that go deep. Yes the symptoms you discussed resonate. I feel though that I have so much untapped potential that I did not achieve unlike you who was driven to succeed to prove yourself. I am 60 now and have done a lot of work but if there is anything energetically I need to heal I am always open to that. You definitely see the impact of the wound and how it played out in my relationships with men. I have learned just like you said that we can grow from these experiences and find the gift that they give us. Thank you for the discussion.💛
Thank you for watching and sharing your experiences (and thank you to your sister who shared this with you!) ❤️
I have a whole series on mother wounds as well, in case you want to check it out: ruclips.net/p/PLMaWdZCQtiJ8cIK6K5juupfnQEZSlh7Qk
@@terri_cole Thank you that was significant too.
Hi Terry, OMG, you just touched on all the wounds my father left in this episode. It made a lot of sense to me. I ended up marrying someone who resembles my father a lot. I'm super independent and, in a way, strict about my convictions. But I still ask for help from all the men I know, hoping they would do what my father didn't-yet I never get the help I need. Eventually, I find myself needing to be stronger and more independent because the men I know somehow are too weak to provide anything 🥴
I am witnessing you with so much compassion 💕 I definitely see you and feel you on this.
I had a great relationship with my father but it was cut short when he died when i was 7. My stepfather was abusive, but i knew not to really get close to him and not expect him to act like my father anyway.
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕
This confirmed the root of so much dysfunction in my life. Thank you.❤
I'm so glad it was insightful for you 💕
Your channel has been so beneficial to me, I appreicate how you relate your own life experiences to contextualise the issues. I too got into the work of healing from my childhood stuff because I realized I was struggling in this area of love, family and relationships and I just couldn't figure it out. Opening myself up to explore this things is usually scary at first because the hearttbreak can be so daunting.. My father wounds are around fearing my dad when I was growing up and developing perfectionism and a need for control as a way to counter the fear of rejection and abandonment. Also there's alot of anxiety there because of constantly having to be vigilant and being over giving and never letting myself to receive
I'm so glad my videos have been helpful ❤️ Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us, too. The heartbreak can absolutely be daunting!
I am so thankful for this. I have done a sh*t load of healing but have known for the past few years that my father wound is not fully adressed. Thank you for this, this will guide me deeper into my true self. I fall under the category of "just" being neglected, and it has been very subtle. I carried shame for years for not coping better than I did with life because there were no obvious issues within my family. Or so I thought. Question: is it possible for a very sensitive girl to feel almost traumatised for not being emotionally mirrored by (any of) her parents, but in this case my father? I was introverted, very sensitive and no one else in my family was, so I felt very alone in my sensitivity and spent most of my days fantasising about a world I could relax in, which got me into trouble when I started dating, since by then an attachment wound had formed dysfunctional relationship patterns. My father was social, outgoing, playful but never solid when it came to the inner experience of being human. And he certainly wasn't interested in me beyond daily pleasantries. He shut me down ever so often when I asked him things about human and emotional matters, and I felt rejected and ultimately abandoned. Since then I don't really trust men to be emotionally present for me, although I know now that they exist, I just want to heal this so I can choose wisely from the emotionally present ones. I am so glad I found this today!
Thank you for sharing 💕 Emotional neglect in childhood and/or having unattuned parents can have a huge impact on us. I think you know the truth of what you experienced, and you have a right to that truth.
I have a whole series of father wound videos here that might help you explore this further: ruclips.net/p/PLMaWdZCQtiJ998hZfFYuGWqN0RPxP4nyy
My father is abusive. Im 62. Healing thru it now.
So glad to hear you're healing 💕
Stil taking care off him, hate it i am 60. Feeling Guilty when i can not see him because i am working
And have my on life with my family. He is also in my head when
I am alone home. Its so crazy❤
I love you from africa, you're helping me by those valuable informations ❤
I am so glad my videos are helping you ❤️❤️
I was reared to respect my young adult brother who was perceived by my mother as an authority figure for me. While I was a daddy’s girl to my father, he worked long hours and also died just before I became an adult. My brother felt burdened by his absence and was emotionally unpredictable, and would yell at me. You would think a sibling relationship wouldn’t matter as much as the parent, but culture can do that. I believe most of my low self esteem comes from that misappropriation of authority.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️ Sibling violence is absolutely real and can have a huge impact on us.
@@terri_cole 🙏
Hi Terry, I just want to say thank you so much for your work. Your book changed my life and your videos saved my sanity. I now have so much peace within myself and in my familial relationship because of your work. I pray for your continued success.
Love Always,
Dalia
Thank you so much, Dalia 💕 So glad to know my videos and book helped you!
Hi Terri , I'm dot.... Nice coming across your chanel, I searched the father wound and wound up here...thank you ❣️❣️❣️
Welcome to my channel, Dot 💕
I lost my birthright to my brother because I was born a female and my father literally said I'm leaving the house to your brother because he's going to need it when he gets married but some guy will buy you a house. When we were children My parents split up and I've seen him maybe 10 times in my entire life. He never provided any emotional or financial support for us. My mother had to carry that load and oftentimes we went hungry. It was at my mother's funeral that he told me he was gonna leave the house to my brother because he was a boy and I was not. At that point he wanted desperately to be recognized by my brother,but My brother hated him for what he did to our family. I On the other hand followed him around like a puppy dog Trying to get any love I could from someone who was incapable of giving it. This has affected my entire life with every Man I've ever been involved with !!!! How in God's name do I Heal from this curse that has followed me around my entire life ????
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Judy ❤️ I am doing a free 3-day training around the father wound and going over some ways we can heal. If you'd like to attend or watch the replays, just sign up here: terricole.com/training
I last saw my Dad at 4. He was murdered at age 32 when I was 9. Mom had said he died in a car accident! Bout time someone talks about it!
I'm so sorry to hear that, Susi 💕
This video feels like a message to me.😢❤
So glad it resonated 💕
Thank you so much Terri…..I really need this, especially from you💕
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My father worked away from home during the week and when he was home spent time with the neighbors or just tuned us out. Very little interaction. I had no idea…
I feel that 💕
THANK YOU!! Your insight, incredible knowledge, and your efforts creating these for us are so very much appreciated! 👏💗🙏
You're so welcome, I'm glad this was helpful! ❤️
Last year I moved father in with me because he was ill. It became so incredibly clear at that point that I indeed have a father wound and why I ended up in so many dysfunctional relationships. I feel he is still wounding me though, and I am ready to embark on my journey of releasing this. Looking forward to hearing how we can move past the father wound. I’m so done with this pattern.
I am witnessing you with compassion, Rochelle ❤️ While I'll be publishing more videos, I'm also doing a free 3-day training where I'll go over some things we can do to heal. If you're interested you can sign up here: terricole.com/training It's happening May 29, 30, and 31 from 12-1:15 pm Eastern, but recordings will be available!
@@terri_cole Hi, I'm new to your channel. Loved this video (I subbed right away) 😃
I just missed the 3 day training. Where will I be able to find more information on the recording please?
Thank You.
❤️
Yes I do and he was wonderful for the first half of my life and then the second half he was scathing and neglectful and at times even cruel. So it's confusing! I know why he was like this though so I can give him compassion. Basically he suffered with my mentally ill mother, and remarried discarding me. for me it has meant that I am single at 50 and very hyper independent. And I feel like I am always having to prove myself every single day at work and it's very tiring. And when I don't win at proving myself - I feel completely hopeless and lost.
I am witnessing you with compassion and sending love 💕 Exploring why you feel the need to prove yourself everyday at work via journaling might be helpful. What might happen if you stopped trying to prove yourself and instead believed you were capable? Of course, some industries DO want you to go above and beyond- I'm not saying to sit back and relax and do nothing or risk losing your job, but to fulfill your tasks and dial it back a little. You can do it as a thought experiment at first and see how it feels to think about doing less.
It might also help to journal about outsourcing your worth to your job- you're leaving your worth in the hands of your colleagues, managers, or bosses, and it makes sense you'd feel lost when you "don't win" at proving yourself. You need to take your power back 💕
I was call the B-word by my father in a burst of anger. Is it possible that one event could have given me PTSD? There were other angry outbursts but that’s the one I have never forgotten.
I'm so sorry to hear that 💕 It sounds like it was a significant moment for you and might be worth processing with a therapist if that is accessible to you.
Thank you for the video! I had two really big realizations while listening. 1. Both of my parents were either too neglectful or too critical, which made the neglect seem better. One was an addict and the other was either uninterested or too interested to the point where I didn’t have an identity of my own, which was really about how they look to the outside world. And 2. Both of my parents were basically abandoned by one or both of their parents. One was sent away early in life to live with a grandparent, while their mother went on to have a new family and the other lost their mother early in life to childbirth and was raised by a tyrannical father. 🤦🏾♀️ Talk about the crappy stars aligning!
Thank you for sharing- those are profound insights ❤️
My father was physically and emotionally absent, I thought when I met my husband, he was the antithesis of my father. As it turns out, he was physically absent much of the time and cheated and lied to me throughout our marriage. And he abandoned me. Guess, I have lots to heal.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️
I am wondering if having a father who was not able to deal with my narcissistic mother or protect us from her rages and unreasonable behaviour is also a father eound of sorts? I can see how he was codependant and kind of gave up fighting against her but its a conflicting feeling that he was the nice parent but also weak in a lot of ways.
Yes! If your father enabled a narcissistic mother it can also cause a father wound. Thank you for bringing that up ❤️
The relationship with my dad was good but him being a little person made him handicapped & disconnected to reality he really couldn't do a lot of activities with us due to height restrictions it led him to feel really down about missing out on a lot of great times with his girls but we still tried our best to involve him with simple activities such as video games watching movies but I felt as though if I had a normal size dad I would have been able to accomplish & progress more I say that because his emotions I felt rubbed off on to us him always feeling embarrassed bout his physical differences being constantly sadden about it so it always made me feel at a disadvantage when he didn't show up to my school basketball games or even the school functions etc I felt like a failure academically because I didn't have that strong fatherly support
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕
This really informative.....thanks for sharing.
So glad it was helpful! 💕
This is a Brilliant and Soooo Needed!!!! Thank you!!! So grateful to have discovered you and your offering!!! Thank you for all your work!!!
❤️❤️❤️
My father wound is abandonment. My father committed suicide when I was twelve and I consistently find myself in relationships with unavailable men. It boggles my mind mind that what hurt us most in our childhood is what we end up being attracted to.
I am so, so sorry to hear that and am sending love ❤️❤️ It's almost like we're just seeking out what's familiar to us because it feels safe (and because it gives us that chance at a do-over and getting a better outcome). It's super painful.
I see there are other armed forces kids here. I had a father in the army, told myself I was a daddy’s girl, only because he was not around to discipline us like our mother. 45 years of age, my high achieving life has unravelled and a confrontation with my parents revealed that my father thinks I didn’t amount to much. I thought at first he dislikes me and then I realised he actually doesn’t care that much. Like genuinely I don’t know if he’ll grieve long if I stop being on the earth. And my mother can’t contradict him since she loves being his special one. On the face of it we are a close knit family.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending you love ❤️❤️ If you believe you are in danger of harming yourself or feel like you're going through a crisis, please reach out to a professional therapist, a friend, or a trusted member of your family or clergy so you are not alone during this time. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK. The call is free and confidential, and the crisis workers are there 24/7 to assist you. I hope you find the resources helpful, and I am also sending you strength and courage to get through this. ❤️
@@terri_cole it’s so kind of you to say this. There IS good in the world.
@@terri_cole and thank you for your concern. I do have suicidal ideation from time to time and this past year has been a vale of tears but I’m in very good hands with my therapist and regular yoga. My therapist is an angel like you seem to be. Thanks again, much appreciated.
I am so, sooo glad you're in good hands with your therapist and that yoga is helping you, too 💕 Thank you for letting me know.
Hello I'm from Australia 🤗✨🇦🇺 I'm a new subscriber....the father wound heading stood out to me.....I'm 57 and apparently my father left when I was 3 apparently he is still alive but I refuse to breach out because I don't understand how you can diss own your children and pretend they don't exist. So I definitely have a father wound...and I carnt even have relationships with men so I stay single.
I am witnessing you with compassion, Sharon ❤️ Thank you for sharing your experience, and welcome to my channel!
I think I really may have a father wound. He was more so physically absent because he was military AND worked, leaving us with my narc mother. Then when he went back to school, she sabotaged it. And he also would come home and change and leave again and she’d leave right away.
Absence can have such a profound impact on us 💕
Thank you for your content, Terri! ❤
However, there is something people don't really mention and I was wondering if you could talk about it (or maybe you did and I missed it). You said many times that healthy relationships are healing for people with father wound. However, I haven't heard to talk about how difficult it is to date someone healthy, at least in the beggining. When you realize you are worthy of love and your partner gives you love, but doesn't give you as much as a perfect dad would. I feel like the acknowledgment of your father not being there is one thing, but then an acknowledgement that your partner whom you love and who loves you will also not be your father figure, is a different thing. Or maybe it's the fact that you never had a healthy love, so it feels weird, and rather than healing, it can feel pretty confusing...
I think having a healthy partner can help with the father wound, but certainly doesn’t heal it! We all need to do that internal work as well to understand our father wounds deeply and grieve the loss of the father we never got to have. I believe we can do that while also appreciating the love in our lives. I understand that appreciation can be difficult in the beginning when you’re used to a love that isn’t as healthy. This can feel confusing and it’s important to reflect and listen to yourself. What feels different about what you’re currently experiencing and what feels right/wrong about that? Where have you or haven’t you felt this before? Spend time understanding your reactions and give yourself love and compassion while you are growing and changing. I hope that helps ❤️
I think most of us older women know if we have a father wound and why we do! I don’t see how filling out a form and reading a book can solve the problem! I went to a few therapists over the years that did not help me , at all, they had no clue! Better Help does not accept insurance and is expensive!
Hi Cathy- I'm sorry to hear you haven't had a good experience with therapists and that BetterHelp is out of reach for you. I am publishing this free series in hopes that it will help folks in your situation. It's not necessarily about "filling out a form and reading a book"- it's about honoring and integrating your childhood experiences, reparenting yourself, connecting the dots, and figuring out how having an unhealed father wound is still impacting your life and how to change it.
Quite a few women in my crew did not realize they had a father wound until I began speaking about it as it still isn't that well known, and I'm just trying to raise awareness. Good on you that you're already aware of yours and trying to heal. I wish you all the best. ❤️
I didn’t know there is such thing as father wounds.
My father was present but absent. There, but only technically. I'm 41 now and have never had an actual conversation about anything that isn't extremely surface level. I love him, he was never harsh or unkind. He's also a people pleasing doormat to my narc control freak mother. It was only in the last couple years that I realized it wasn't that he necessarily didn't want to be an active parent, it was that my mother didn't allow him to have a say. Exactly the way we kids weren't given a single household chore to do growing up, not because we were coddled brats, but because we could do nothing right by our mother, not even the dishes. Touching her appliances? Absolutely forbidden. Trying to clean up a mess of broken glass? Just get out of the way and let her do it. If there were drops of water in the left side of the sink, we would be called in to answer for it. And that was how she treated my father with the raising of the kids. I wish just once he would have taken a stand when he didn't agree with her. Oh the damage that dynamic caused us all...
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us, Tracey. I am witnessing you with compassion 💕
@@terri_cole Wow, thank you so much for your response ❤️
Thank you, I was waiting for this!
You're so welcome! I'm excited for this series ❤️
Much needed ❤
So glad it resonated 💕
Iam so laughing 😂 cause it feels so good that your dad sounds EXACTLY like mine when you talked about the scattering with watching tv. Did you live eith us.Even the dog would leave when he came in a room. I thought it was just him. But thanks for sharing it was common, but still not healthy... or ok to be scared of a parent.
I'm glad you feel seen by my story even though I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone ❤️
Whew! Yes yes 🙌🏼
Thank you
💕
great video! Love your content
Thank youuu ❤️
Totally related to all you shared. Due to my father wounds, relationships with males have been so unhealthy.
Still on the journey of overcoming this. Thanks for sharing such informative content.
You are so welcome, I'm glad it resonated 💕
Hahaha! At a ripe old age of 61 I just realized that I did not only have a mother wound [I knew that all of my life] - but that I clearly have a father wound too. How did I find out - during dating! I recently started talking with a man that is considerably older than I am, and I am not physically attracted whatsoever, don't even like him all that much [cranky and grumbling most of the time, LOL] but I crave the interaction and conversation with him to the point of it becoming a bit of an obsession. When I realized that I craved his approval and a pat on the head [he is very accomplished in a number of professions, intelligent and clearly well educated] - that's when I realized that I obviously had some unresolved "not good enough" daddy issues, LOL. This is actually funny to figure out at this age, but also very annoying! Just when I thought I had worked through all of my childhood neglect and relationship issues - this comes up! Downright ridiculous but also so sad...
Thank you for sharing ❤️ I love that you were so aware of what was happening, though- that you realized you were seeking his approval and figured you had more to work on. Amazing level of self-awareness. And you're so not alone ❤️
@@terri_cole Thanks Terri. I actually made the connection when I compared my interactions with 2 men in this same age range - both are similarly educated, I have no physical attraction for either and I have great conversations with both. But one triggers the hell out of me, while the other one doesn't - and thinking about the difference between my reactions to both, led me to that conclusion. I use this as a learning opportunity for better interactions with my next mate/partner :)
Way to go! I love that reframe, too 💕
Besides my narcissist Mother My father criticized me, belittled me, called me names, compared me to other girls, compared my body, love bombed me then one day his”love” disappeared it was gone. I realized I was never enough for him.😔All my life I’ve been seeking for his approval but now at my late30s I have realized it’s never going to happen it’s a fantasy. The consequences of his actions has left me emotionally broken I have tons of insecurities I don’t like myself I have no self worth I have been yearning for a fatherly love and end seek it from the wrong partners I feel lost lonely and angry for all my time wasted and leaving me emotionally destroyed.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending you love 💕
This resonates with me
❤️
Oh, what an important topic....nop it wasn't normal...way to many boundries transpassed;-) and to much responsability for his happiness/healing on my back....exemplar fawning respons;-)...became a beachvolley champion to prove to him he is worth it-trying to make him feel proud of having such a dauther...ah ah ah...p.s.see you soon on our interview❤;-)🎉
❤️❤️❤️
Hi from Iran
Hello there!
My dad worked hard to set me up for life, but he was emotionally abusive at the same time. He would try to belittle me at every single chance well into my thirties. I’m not talking to him anymore but the anger is still easily triggered. I have an embedded tendency to compete and pick fights with men, especially those in power positions. Guess what’s the root cause of that.
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕
@@terri_cole Thank you, Terri. Your videos have been helping me on the healing journey.
My dad was a lovely man, but not home much due to work commitments.
So mum was the main carer, she weidled a lot of control, maybe narcissistic, regardless, I had a different relationship with my mum (adopted mother) no real bond/attachment/ she had her own unsolved issues I guess.
I loved my dad (adopted dad) but he was not home much .
I was adopted at age 7 weeks to older parents, comfortable home, financially secure etc
It’s hard to find abuse in my childhood, I had an older adopted sibling (not biological)
who was the princess child, dad had long work hours, and my adopted mum was the matriarch of the home.
I left home at 17 and never returned.
I’m twice divorced, 4 children, totally estranged from my 3 oldest children (23 years no contact) their choice. I was a chronic alcoholic, and damaged my own children because of my childhood wounds.
Thank you Terri for your support and valuable insights.
So glad to hear your healing path led you to find Vic ❤
You're so welcome, Maria. Thank you for sharing your experience ❤️ Absence and neglect can cause so much pain. Abuse doesn't always need to be present for there to be wounds.
I was a daddy’s girl until I became a teenager and then my mother turned him against me.
I am so sorry to hear that, Sharon 💕
My father was Pissed that we were Girls. 3 of us. Hated his younger brother because he had 3 boys.
I hardly remember any interaction with him. What I do remember is his physical abuse of my Mother, his cheating on her.
It was my Mother that scared me of my father by saying...Wait til your Father gets home; never once do I recall him husting us. Just non present as far as us girls were concerned.
The men in my adult life; Cheaters and Emotionally unavailable.
I am witnessing you with compassion, Kathie 💕
Father was emotionally abusive when he was home. My mother was emotionally and physically abusive. Afraid of both parents.
That is terrible! Being afraid of both parents when they are supposed to be protecting you and giving you a safe environment! I hope you have found some healing!
I am so sorry to hear that, Elaine, and I am sending love ❤️
I was youngest of seven. Very quiet autistic mother (I was recently diagnosed at age 68 with autism and ADHD myself).
He was a huge liar even when not necessary. He beat and choked my mother often, beat my older siblings with a leather razor strap. We were always running and trying to hide from him. He was incestuous with my two much older sisters and later with me from age 2 to 9; stopping when he was hurt at his job and was disabled after that, thank God. His enormous outbursts of anger were intense.
Now I believe he was possibly bipolar.
I am so sorry to hear all of what you went through. I am witnessing you with compassion 💕
@@terri_cole Thank you for your kindness. Apologies for the wordy reply.
Tried talk therapy since age 19 for extreme hypervigiliance, anxiety, panic, phobias, nightmares, and distrust. This body anxiety has led to many painful body issues...migraines, fibromyalgia, bruxism, burning mouth syndrome, GI issues, small fiber peripheral polyneuropathy.
Talk therapy always exacerbated symptoms. I'm determined to fix my brain and won't give up.
Two years ago I finally lost my life long need to please people, a very self-destructive habit that led to three marriages to narcissistic men, always trying to find a good father for my sons from first marriage, but finally gave up on that. It is a relief to have no man in my life.
I've been alone and celibate since 2001 now, which is a better life for me now at age 70. People make me very anxious. I sense their emotions, intentions, and insincerity which adds to anxiety.
I've always been a strong researcher, very helpful in my former work. Currently I'm looking into EMDR, possibly psilocybin to reset my brain. There has been good research on MDMA as well.
What are your thoughts? Any information would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you. 🙏
I definitely recommend looking into EMDR! It helped me with my PTSD ❤️ If you also identify as highly sensitive or as an empath, you might want to look into energy work as well. It can help you manage the overwhelm of being able to sense other people's emotions. I love my pal, Lara Riggio, as a starting point: larariggio.com/ But I'm sure you can find a lot of energy teachers and healers on RUclips. I hope you find something that works for you ❤️
@@terri_cole Thank you!
Highly critical
Over protective
Raged unexpectedly
Spanked w/ a belt
Pulled ears
Knocked hard on my head
Has ADD
Has OCD
PERFECTIONIST
Very controlling
I never knew him, truly
Neglectful
Emotionally abusive
Picked on/bullied me
Absent
He'd spank me with his belt, send me to my room, I'd cry for hours until I fell asleep, wake in the morning, timidly walk into the kitchen in the morning and everybody acted like nothing had happened. This made me feel alone, crazy, too sensitive, like I was invisible....it was SO hurtful. It changed me and shaped me 😢
Perfectionism, oh heck yeah.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion 💕
I lost my ex because she had a father wound, didn’t know it and wanted someone more dominant and even abusive
I'm positively Howe
I have a major Father Wound related to my dads BPD like symoptoms. (I know BPD is pretty uncommon in men which makes me feel all the more alone in this). I cannot trust men at all or get close to them. i'm always waiting for them to snap.
I feel you 💕
@@terri_cole thanks. I appreciate that.
Bpd is equally spread between both genders at around 50/50. I’m sorry you went through this
I have every wound going....Mother the Narc / Father working his arse off for mothers house.....
Raped by my cousin.....done FA!....
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
I could write a book about the disaster of a father I had.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
No ,I don’t have any father wound, my dad Ram Yatan Singh was always loving,caring towards me ,he guarded, cared me from kid stage to college then he married me of, I have only mother wound 😢who didn’t cared at all,
I am so sorry to hear you had an uncaring mother ❤️
13:35 min If your father had seen you become incredibly successful, he may have noticed you, BUT he may have reacted in jealous manner.
Yay Vic 🎉❤😘
No , my Father did not cate much to his childrens thoughts or how they thought.
I'm so sorry to hear that, I know how painful it is ❤
@@terri_cole . I'm over it, I know he had demons. I felt sorry for my Mother. 8 children in 10 years. She was exasperated enough to have such a hateful miserable cheating husband. We had to walk on eggshells. You can imagine the legacy he left
I have father wounds and it comes up in relationships with the opposite sex and I am 67 yr old female
I see you ❤️
I have a question. If someone is born in a lesbian marriage which means that that person has two mothers. Is it possible to develop a father wound ?
Yes, it would be whoever fills the role of the paternal impactor. Even an uncle, older brother, or grandfather can cause a father wound. It just depends on who raised you!
Hey Terri, really nice video ! I was wondering if I could help you with Best Quality Editing in your videos better than your Editor with good pricing and also make a highly engaging Thumbnail which will help your videos to reach to a wider audience ? Pls let me know what do you think ?
My dad was so chaotic that it can be abusive. I dont know why
I am witnessing you with compassion, Carla ❤️
@@terri_cole ty Terri. Im still with them and go to therapy with one(mom) even after everything.
Send me more video
My father was killed when I was 4 1/2 so fml
I am witnessing you with so much compassion 💕
Thank you Terri. Your words touched me so much. I basically stay away from men altogether. I don’t know what it is to be taken care of by a man, I feel unsafe.