Let me know below: can you relate to being hyper-independent? Where do you think it originated from? If you want to get comfortable asking for help and support, make sure to download the guide for tips: www.terricole.com/are-you-hyper-independent-guide
Some aspects I can identify with but your upload today was big big insight. I had therapy yesterday and there have been big relationship gains since therapy. There have also been some gains withing our family, some airing of feelings. The therapist sees hope and so do I. Listening this morning, I could actually see that my husband's reaction to his childhood was becoming a HFC. We can see that since his head injuries there have been major changes in the way he was. Thank you Terri Cole. There is a lot of hope that this can be worked through. 🧡☀️🌻🍂✨️
Thanks for the eye opening information, I believe the more we asked and needed help in childhood and it was denied and neglected… the more hyper independence occurs and it truly puts the person at risk not asking for help while it was most needed
I am very much a hyper-independent person. I never ask for help. When people offer I usually say that I’m good. Why? Because why would someone go out of their way for me? I feel like people offer just to be nice and that they don’t really want to help. I don’t want to inconvenience anyone. I do not want to be needy or helpless. I am about to have surgery and I have turned down every offer of help because I can take care of myself. But guess who is the first one to go out of my way to help others? Me! I am not sure what made me this way. I wish I could figure it out so I could improve this part of me. I want to have people in my life to help me, but I believe I will just be let down and disappointed.
You might want to download the guide for this episode because it goes a bit deeper into why you feel this way and offers tips around how to ask for help. But as humans, we have needs, and that is perfectly okay. If we don't voice those needs, no one else will do it for us. It's on us to make our preferences and desires known, otherwise we won't be authentically known by the folks in our lives, which feels really lonely. It sounds like you have a lot to explore/question here, but you can also start by asking people for very small things and see how that goes. Or say "yes" the next time someone offers help. Yes, some people may let us down, and then we can talk about it afterwards. You and your relationships are not that fragile, although if a relationship blows up because you can't have a difficult conversation, then we might want to think about why we're in it! I would be discerning about who you ask for support from- go with the most emotionally trustworthy people in your life. I hope the surgery goes well ❤️
@@terri_cole Thank you so very much for the amazing reply! You would think lying around recovering I would have had plenty of time to get online and see your response sooner. 🤣 I did ask for help during my recovery. 2 out of the 3 people I asked did show up for me! The third person was one I should have known would let me down, but for some reason I keep hoping they will change. However, that did show me that I can ask for help and I do have a couple of people who are willing to come help me. I’m sure there are more as I learn to ask. That one person who isn’t, I am always there for them and I go running when they ask. I never minded and I like helping him, but now realizing it is not a two way street with that person, I am going to try to stop being available when he asks. I don’t think I have to say no all of the time, but I will definitely not be so eager in the future. Thank you for the well wishes on the surgery. It went well. I have 4 more weeks of PT, but I am walking well now and I was cleared to drive yesterday! I guess that a hyper-independent person would be most excited about being able to drive themselves 🤣😂🤣
I relate to this completely! I find it very hard to ask. I am fiercely independent, mostly because I needed to rely on myself for everything from a teen to current adult. Also, when experiencing trauma, one learns who to count on. If those folks let you down, the trust is broken, therefore you lean on yourself. It built resilency.
Another great episode! Thansk Terri ! My Mom was always critical of me and I never felt supported or nurtured. I carried this into all my romantic relationships. I chose wrong men and was continually hurt. This is why I am so independent and have trouble asking for help. I am more aware of this, now. I am trying to accept help and want to but I see it as showing weekness. Why? Your books have helped so much and this Newsletter. Thank you! I started your Book Too Much - love it! I have mANY trust issues - with men and with myself! I think I chose men that were no reliable and not emotionally available
Dear Terry, I live in the Netherlands EU and can't get help because there is a shortage of therapists, so this channel of yours helps me so much I ask my inner child this week why I feel like I'm dying when I have to ask for help I had no idea. And now I see this video. Isn't it a miracle? Thank U so much❤🎉
A colleague of mine who was Krishna Consciousness , opened my eyes once by telling me you can’t have a relationship, if you are independent. A relationship requires interdependency in order to relate to each other.
Hello Terri. Thank you for this video it has really opened my eyes. I am very hyper-independent ever since I was 13 and being the first born son in an African home setting it can be really daunting. I really hope I get to overcome being this way since it has really made me push a lot of people away and not being able to be in any form of relationship.
I think my independence comes from watching how dependent my mother was on my dad and because of that she put up with a lot of abuse. I decided I would not allow myself to be in such a position in my life. As I have gotten older the Lord has taught me to accept help from others when I need it. So while I am independent I think I have grown and have become a bit more able to ask for help if I really need it and can't help myself in some situations. I also think I have been independent most of my life because I do not want to be controlled by others particularly in a marriage situation. I am a widow and have been for 21 years and I have not remarried because I have some strong standards set for a person I would have in my life in such a commitment.
My current partner told me early in our relationship that was so independent and at first I didn’t really understand why… but as time goes by I’ve been noticing my own patterns and how it could actually a trauma response for having a father wound, and I aim to do therapy and I’m lucky to have a partner that supports and listens to me even tho I don’t really “open up” to him
So perfectly well expressed Teri, thank you. It really spoke to my heart! It's so hard to break from these hyper-dependency patterns. So grateful you shared that you still have these thoughts even after so many years of recovering from it but chose differently. Super helpful and insightful video. I'll get the guide because I'm done burning myself out and not trusting. It's the next leg of my healing process 🙏
I think I might be, because as I grew up, I always had someone trying to do everything for me, as if I wasn’t able to handle it on my own. I’m 41 now, and I rarely talk about the things I do or want to do in case someone sticks their opinion in when I didn’t ask for it.
Im currently reading a book called "there's a hole in my love cup" the author is all about facing the ugly and painful and gives Journaling assignments. You are also very informative, he just has a cut to the chase method. Not that im discrediting you at all.
I am hyper-independent as a result of a father wound. Its an extension of trying to prove myself, and perhaps out of some resentment. If I do it myself then no one can hold it over my head...No one can criticize it except me. I'm out here trying to do it all to protect myself. But in the expanse of time I've been this way...Ive grown exhausted, lonely and sad because I'm so sick of doing everything by myself.
Thank you for sharing ❤️ I feel you, and my hyper-independence largely comes from my father wound, too. I did a series a while back on it, in case it's helpful: ruclips.net/p/PLMaWdZCQtiJ998hZfFYuGWqN0RPxP4nyy
I'v read on RUclips recently My ability to cut people off and self isolate is shouldn't be something to be proud of it's a truma a response rooted in you coming from never having anyone to depend on sadly this is me
That's so awful, I'm sorry people have ghosted you over that. 💕 Please know that you're worthy of help and support. Sometimes, folks in our lives just aren't able to understand struggling with mental health and we need to develop the discernment to know who we can trust and who can really hold space for us. But it is really difficult when the people we thought we could trust fall short. 💕
What do you do when you have nobody to ask after giving endlessly and finding those closest to you have just been takers and always have some more dramatic reason why they can’t be there which feels shaming when you try to ask? I would love someone to lean on but the endless disappointment in asking chips away at my soul. Then I hear an Oprah voice saying: “nobody is coming to save you,” and that is more true than not. Sometimes you just don’t get the luxury of being weak because you realise the people you invested in will never return the favour.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ People will have their reactions to us asking and that is their side of the street, not ours, because we can't control it. Asking for help is human, and I think our healing is found in the asking. We gain important data when we realize people only take. It's up to us to decide what we do with that data. We may decide to cut ties, or we may decide to set some firm boundaries with those people and stop endlessly giving. You might give more to yourself instead. But by getting clear on what we're willing and not willing to tolerate in friendships, we begin attracting the kinds of people we can rely on into our lives. ❤️
@@terri_cole thank you Terri. It has felt so normal to be overlooked for help that I can’t visualise what the opposite would genuinely be like. I hope some day that I meet my tribe, presently it feels like I’m on a solo expedition but I appreciate your kind words.🙏🏽
Anything is possible. If you're asking about how compatible they'd be, that's a slightly different story, but I also believe people can change if they're committed to doing so. I was at the very beginning of my recovery journey with hyper-independence and high-functioning codependence at the start of my relationship with my husband. It caused some issues, but we were able to work through them thanks to therapy! 💕
Let me know below: can you relate to being hyper-independent? Where do you think it originated from? If you want to get comfortable asking for help and support, make sure to download the guide for tips: www.terricole.com/are-you-hyper-independent-guide
Some aspects I can identify with but your upload today was big big insight.
I had therapy yesterday and there have been big relationship gains since therapy.
There have also been some gains withing our family, some airing of feelings.
The therapist sees hope and so do I.
Listening this morning, I could actually see that my husband's reaction to his childhood was becoming a HFC. We can see that since his head injuries there have been major changes in the way he was.
Thank you Terri Cole. There is a lot of hope that this can be worked through. 🧡☀️🌻🍂✨️
Thanks for the eye opening information, I believe the more we asked and needed help in childhood and it was denied and neglected… the more hyper independence occurs and it truly puts the person at risk not asking for help while it was most needed
I am very much a hyper-independent person. I never ask for help. When people offer I usually say that I’m good. Why? Because why would someone go out of their way for me? I feel like people offer just to be nice and that they don’t really want to help. I don’t want to inconvenience anyone. I do not want to be needy or helpless. I am about to have surgery and I have turned down every offer of help because I can take care of myself. But guess who is the first one to go out of my way to help others? Me! I am not sure what made me this way. I wish I could figure it out so I could improve this part of me. I want to have people in my life to help me, but I believe I will just be let down and disappointed.
You might want to download the guide for this episode because it goes a bit deeper into why you feel this way and offers tips around how to ask for help. But as humans, we have needs, and that is perfectly okay. If we don't voice those needs, no one else will do it for us. It's on us to make our preferences and desires known, otherwise we won't be authentically known by the folks in our lives, which feels really lonely.
It sounds like you have a lot to explore/question here, but you can also start by asking people for very small things and see how that goes. Or say "yes" the next time someone offers help. Yes, some people may let us down, and then we can talk about it afterwards. You and your relationships are not that fragile, although if a relationship blows up because you can't have a difficult conversation, then we might want to think about why we're in it! I would be discerning about who you ask for support from- go with the most emotionally trustworthy people in your life.
I hope the surgery goes well ❤️
@@terri_cole Thank you so very much for the amazing reply! You would think lying around recovering I would have had plenty of time to get online and see your response sooner. 🤣 I did ask for help during my recovery. 2 out of the 3 people I asked did show up for me! The third person was one I should have known would let me down, but for some reason I keep hoping they will change. However, that did show me that I can ask for help and I do have a couple of people who are willing to come help me. I’m sure there are more as I learn to ask. That one person who isn’t, I am always there for them and I go running when they ask. I never minded and I like helping him, but now realizing it is not a two way street with that person, I am going to try to stop being available when he asks. I don’t think I have to say no all of the time, but I will definitely not be so eager in the future.
Thank you for the well wishes on the surgery. It went well. I have 4 more weeks of PT, but I am walking well now and I was cleared to drive yesterday! I guess that a hyper-independent person would be most excited about being able to drive themselves 🤣😂🤣
I relate to this completely!
I find it very hard to ask. I am fiercely independent, mostly because I needed to rely on myself for everything from a teen to current adult. Also, when experiencing trauma, one learns who to count on. If those folks let you down, the trust is broken, therefore you lean on yourself. It built resilency.
I see you 💕 Thanks for sharing.
Another great episode! Thansk Terri !
My Mom was always critical of me and I never felt supported or nurtured. I carried this into all my romantic relationships. I chose wrong men and was continually hurt. This is why I am so independent and have trouble asking for help. I am more aware of this, now. I am trying to accept help and want to but I see it as showing weekness. Why? Your books have helped so much and this Newsletter. Thank you! I started your Book Too Much - love it! I have mANY trust issues - with men and with myself! I think I chose men that were no reliable and not emotionally available
I hope you enjoy Too Much, Linda ❤️ Thank you for sharing!
Dear Terry,
I live in the Netherlands EU and can't get help because there is a shortage of therapists, so this channel of yours helps me so much
I ask my inner child this week why I feel like I'm dying when I have to ask for help I had no idea.
And now I see this video.
Isn't it a miracle?
Thank U so much❤🎉
I am sooo glad to hear my videos are helping you 💕💕
A colleague of mine who was Krishna Consciousness , opened my eyes once by telling me you can’t have a relationship, if you are independent. A relationship requires interdependency in order to relate to each other.
Yes, interdependency is healthy!
Hello Terri. Thank you for this video it has really opened my eyes. I am very hyper-independent ever since I was 13 and being the first born son in an African home setting it can be really daunting. I really hope I get to overcome being this way since it has really made me push a lot of people away and not being able to be in any form of relationship.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ You're in the right place to learn how to overcome it!
I think my independence comes from watching how dependent my mother was on my dad and because of that she put up with a lot of abuse. I decided I would not allow myself to be in such a position in my life. As I have gotten older the Lord has taught me to accept help from others when I need it. So while I am independent I think I have grown and have become a bit more able to ask for help if I really need it and can't help myself in some situations. I also think I have been independent most of my life because I do not want to be controlled by others particularly in a marriage situation. I am a widow and have been for 21 years and I have not remarried because I have some strong standards set for a person I would have in my life in such a commitment.
Thank you for sharing ❤️
What a poignant lovely video today Terri. You put so beautifully into words my past way of relating to people. If you can heal, so can I.
Indeed you can! Thanks for watching 💕
It brought me tears to hear that you were able to exhaled for the first time. I can relate so much with that feeling. Thank you for sharing❤
Thank you for witnessing me in that 💕
My current partner told me early in our relationship that was so independent and at first I didn’t really understand why… but as time goes by I’ve been noticing my own patterns and how it could actually a trauma response for having a father wound, and I aim to do therapy and I’m lucky to have a partner that supports and listens to me even tho I don’t really “open up” to him
I'm so glad to hear you have a supportive partner to help you through this 💕 It's definitely worth exploring the father wound!
Your video made me cry. Thank you so much, I had no idea I was like that
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕
I learned at an early age that I can’t depend on others so I am hyper independent.. I would love to recover because it’s exhausting to do everything
I see you 💕
Good to hear I have hope!
Thank you! 🙏 ❤
You're so welcome 💕
So perfectly well expressed Teri, thank you. It really spoke to my heart! It's so hard to break from these hyper-dependency patterns. So grateful you shared that you still have these thoughts even after so many years of recovering from it but chose differently. Super helpful and insightful video. I'll get the guide because I'm done burning myself out and not trusting. It's the next leg of my healing process 🙏
I am cheering you on ❤️❤️
@@terri_cole Thank you Terri! Much appreciated! 🙏🤗
@@terri_cole Thanks so much Terri! It means a lot 🤍
I think I might be, because as I grew up, I always had someone trying to do everything for me, as if I wasn’t able to handle it on my own. I’m 41 now, and I rarely talk about the things I do or want to do in case someone sticks their opinion in when I didn’t ask for it.
It's so painful to be treated like we're projects or something to 'fix' 💕
Great vidro
Why thanks!
Meant great video!!!!! Very helpful thanks
Im currently reading a book called "there's a hole in my love cup" the author is all about facing the ugly and painful and gives Journaling assignments. You are also very informative, he just has a cut to the chase method. Not that im discrediting you at all.
I am hyper-independent as a result of a father wound. Its an extension of trying to prove myself, and perhaps out of some resentment. If I do it myself then no one can hold it over my head...No one can criticize it except me.
I'm out here trying to do it all to protect myself. But in the expanse of time I've been this way...Ive grown exhausted, lonely and sad because I'm so sick of doing everything by myself.
Thank you for sharing ❤️ I feel you, and my hyper-independence largely comes from my father wound, too. I did a series a while back on it, in case it's helpful: ruclips.net/p/PLMaWdZCQtiJ998hZfFYuGWqN0RPxP4nyy
I'v read on RUclips recently
My ability to cut people off and self isolate is shouldn't be something to be proud of it's a truma a response rooted in you coming from never having anyone to depend on sadly this is me
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕
Thank you great video. The issue I have is I have asked for help several times recently and it has gone very wrong. X
I'm so sorry to hear that ❤️ Would you like to share how it's gone wrong?
@@terri_cole thank you just after sharing about my poor mental health I was ghosted twice . X
That's so awful, I'm sorry people have ghosted you over that. 💕 Please know that you're worthy of help and support. Sometimes, folks in our lives just aren't able to understand struggling with mental health and we need to develop the discernment to know who we can trust and who can really hold space for us. But it is really difficult when the people we thought we could trust fall short. 💕
Thank you 😘
I thought this was counter independence at first but google told me they are not the same 😅. I only found out about counter independence recently.
Not good at asking for help
I see myself as very independent as child to my mum I felt I was the care giver
It sounds like you may have experienced child parentification, which is extremely painful 💕
What do you do when you have nobody to ask after giving endlessly and finding those closest to you have just been takers and always have some more dramatic reason why they can’t be there which feels shaming when you try to ask? I would love someone to lean on but the endless disappointment in asking chips away at my soul. Then I hear an Oprah voice saying: “nobody is coming to save you,” and that is more true than not. Sometimes you just don’t get the luxury of being weak because you realise the people you invested in will never return the favour.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ People will have their reactions to us asking and that is their side of the street, not ours, because we can't control it. Asking for help is human, and I think our healing is found in the asking. We gain important data when we realize people only take. It's up to us to decide what we do with that data. We may decide to cut ties, or we may decide to set some firm boundaries with those people and stop endlessly giving. You might give more to yourself instead. But by getting clear on what we're willing and not willing to tolerate in friendships, we begin attracting the kinds of people we can rely on into our lives. ❤️
@@terri_cole thank you Terri. It has felt so normal to be overlooked for help that I can’t visualise what the opposite would genuinely be like. I hope some day that I meet my tribe, presently it feels like I’m on a solo expedition but I appreciate your kind words.🙏🏽
Is it possible for two people to be in a relationship and they are both hyper independent and high-functiining codependent? Does that make sense?
Anything is possible. If you're asking about how compatible they'd be, that's a slightly different story, but I also believe people can change if they're committed to doing so. I was at the very beginning of my recovery journey with hyper-independence and high-functioning codependence at the start of my relationship with my husband. It caused some issues, but we were able to work through them thanks to therapy! 💕
Thanks so much for sharing your experience 🙏🏼🩷
Thanks for watching ❤️
Yup, lived with away from my parents from 9-13. That made me hyper independent smh. Ended up with a husband that absolutely drained me.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️