How to Effectively Communicate During Conflict (Without Making it Worse!) - Terri Cole
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- Опубликовано: 18 май 2024
- When you’re in the heat of a fight do you have a tendency to explode or say things you don’t mean? Or do you withdraw in anger and become silent?
Both of these reactions to conflict are very common communication-blocking techniques. Effective communication is something we hear a lot about but often I think the meaning is unclear.
In today’s episode, I’m breaking down the top 4 communication blockers + giving you sentence starters and scripts to help. You’ll learn what you can do to break these unhelpful behavior patterns and work towards actually solving conflict with effective communication instead.
Download the free PDF guide that goes along with this episode here: www.terricole.com/how-to-comm...
TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction
2:09 - What is effective communication and why is it important?
3:10 - Communication Block #1: Inability to express your needs
6:58 - Communication Block #2: Listening to respond
10:10 - Communication Block #3: Using the silent treatment
14:11 - Communication Block #4: Defensiveness and blame (most common)
RELATED VIDEOS:
• 7 Strategies To Stop B... - 7 Strategies to Stop Being So Defensive
• How to Communicate in ... - How to Communicate in Conflict
• Steps to Master Confli... - Steps to Master Conflict with Self-Regulation
• Stop Being Defensive +... - Stop Being Defensive + Learn to Listen - Effective Communication Tips
• Effective Communicatio... - Effective Communication + Being a Better Listener
ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
CONNECT ON SOCIAL
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Podcast: terricole.com/itunes
Boundary Boss Book: boundarybossbook.com/
#communication #effectivecommunication #conflictresolution 
Развлечения
What is your experience communicating during conflict? Is it difficult? Do you struggle to find the words to say? Have you mastered this through practice? Tell me in the comments!
I used to blast... But now I am at peace that I can tell what I need from the opposite person.. Also clearity in thoughts have changed the conversation from quarreling, blaming to a problem solving process... I can't say I have mastered it... But m learning it with practice.. Journaling also helped me when I get overwhelmed...
Well I’ll just say this…
It’s a hit or miss with me right now on this PTSD road to recovery, yet I’m definitely enjoying the growth of being able to become more expressive with my feelings!!!
Yes! I just pace around in anger because I don’t know what’s going on. I’d really like to break through that anger and see what’s really going on.
This is so helpful and insightful. Now that I am 50, I am finally getting better about communicating in conflict.
You made this video for me💔 My person doesn’t care about my feelings when in an argument. He denies his part of the conflict, blames me entirely for the argument, and blows up out of control so that he is no longer listening or letting me talk. But the worst part is he comes from anger and rage and is critical of me and always wants to Divorce. Throws the baby out with the bath water! Next day he wants to brush it under the rug. Sounds so terrible. This is the first time I’ve-written it out. We have been together for 48 yrs. And we do have our skeletons. Our arguments are only 5 percent of our relationship but 95 percent of resentment.
Already you have helped me Immensely. Thank you.
I withdraw, and become silent to protect the other person from the can of whoop ass that I desperately want to invoke on them❤
Same!!!!
It’s true. It’s like the only two options in the moment are “I hurt you” or “I hurt your feelings”… sOo let me just hold my hands, stay silent and regulate!
@@LittleLady247 yes you're right! Thank you for this!🌹
😂
Same
Hi Terri, Excellent strategies you've provided us with. What is challenging for me is when I'm making an intentional effort to hear and understand what the other person is trying to say with compassion and without judgement, but they cannot do the same for me. This makes me feel unheard and sad.
I feel this too and has been a common experience for me too. I hope Terri can chime in about this!
Me too.
This is a common experience when you are trying to change the dynamic. I think you can ask for what you need by saying, “I am working at getting better at listening with the intention to understand where you are coming from. So while you are sharing, I will allow you to fully finish what you are saying and I will ask you to do the same for me, please.”
Hi Terri, I want to add that my default is shutdown mode but this doesn’t come from wanting to punish the other person, this is because it does not feel safe to continue to engage. When you grow up in a violent household where every time you try to speak up it is met with verbal and physical abuse you fear this happening again. That said, I have tried to assert boundaries with said family and it has been met with the kitchen sinking as you said, them not sticking to the one point I was trying to raise and also getting extremely personal. I have since then cut contact but would appreciate if you could give advice for such circumstances, especially when dealing with irrational people. Thank you
Same here, Lauren. If I clearly feel that the other person is triggered I become non-reactive because I know anything I say will be misconstrued- so by remaining passive I’m at least not adding fuel to the fire..
As they say in AA "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? "
In my experience, my past dysfunction from childhood and adult hood, as well as trauma pops up impulsively if I feel like my securities are threatened in anyway! I’ve learned that my brain responds like that because it’s trying to protect me everything I’ve been through goes to the subconscious and I had to dig deep to figure out what I was so afraid of the heated moment! I was never taught healthy coping skills, communication, and emotion regulation! It’s never too late to learn new skills to help you grow and become an emotional regulation healthy person! Just pause! For me I have to talk myself down and be my own best friend, and loving parent! Stop fighting against your brain, identify the root causes, when you understand why you overreact it’s easier to make changes ❤
Thank you so much for sharing what works for you 💕
I've learned that when a fight occurs, afterwards people never speak to me again. Conflict = drama, no one wants drama. So people only want to be friends or in a relationship when there is no conflict.
That is so difficult because having zero conflict is often unrealistic, and potentially unhealthy. I'm sorry you experienced that ❤️
Stonewalling is emotional neglect. Thank you for calmly with examples explaining healthy mature AUTHENTIC and KIND communication. Kind does not mean repressing conversation that needs to happen to yield understanding to deepen relationship or not. Kind is expressing real needs and listening to their real needs and existing in the pain of disagreement or uncertainty.
Terri, you have helped me so much to find & use my voice. In the last year I finally realized that I was raised by a narcissistic mother. You have helped me to separate from her & understand that I am only responsible for & able to control myself. Now that I am healing & speaking my truth, I finally feel like a whole valuable individual person & it’s really hard work but feels wonderful. I am moving to a new town which I was always afraid to do, because my family is so codependently close to one an other. I now know that I must leave in order to live my best life. You TERRI COLE are such a gift to society & a blessing in my life!❤
Thank you for the kind words, S.A.M ❤ I'm so glad you find the vids helpful, and I'm cheering you on as you enter this next chapter ❤
I’m so happy to find your channel. Been married 41 years, and I’m realizing that our communication is not good. We keep triggering each other and we are defensive. Basically we need to learn a better way.
I am so glad you are here ❤️ I hope you find what you need! I have a script on diffusing arguments here, in case it helps: ruclips.net/video/H7gmwfqTWpM/видео.html
OMG…another beautiful video! My personal goals after watching this: To slow down and breathe, find my clarity, use my words and speak the truth in a loving way…without retreating into my cocoon, becoming defensive or blaming. I am learning so much from your explanations, tips and scripts…thank you so much!!
You're so welcome, Linda ❤ Thank you for being here and sharing your insights!
*Defensive shutting down of the other is the archenemy of hearing them.*
So true.
I add: Mirroring or open-ended questioning (as you modeled) are the superheroes.
I really love the way Terri offers scripts which most online therapists don't. She's helped me so much can't wait to buy the book❤❤
Yes I need that too!!! When I was younger my close friend would help me because I never knew what to say and yes I totally needed her to give me a script (and then I could use it word for word or modify it either way, but I could not come up with a healthy response… and I often felt “wrong” when I wasn’t and didn’t know I had a right to express myself in a healthy way.)
I do both because I struggle to find the words to say.
I’ve tried setting down and talking to my husband about my feelings and asked how we can work on these issues. At the same time I asked if there was anything he wanted to work on so we could be a team in this. My husband shook himself violently
In his chair, stopped and yelled the F word, and went back to watching tv. I left the room calmly. Went to my bedroom and cried
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Linda ❤️
This video is so spot on for everything I’m experiencing now.
It's very hard to get the conversation started and I feel is it worth all the emotional stress 😩? Never seem to get understood. Feel very veruable in these situations 😌. Just over think and say nothing in the end.
I see you, Raye, and I'm witnessing you with compassion ❤
Thanks.. Will save that.. x
I struggle with what is labeled "stonewalling". However, when this happens it doesn't come from anger, it comes from fear. I'm not using it as a weapon. The ability to talk and find the words is GONE. I'm aware that this is related to a childhood trauma. This is triggered when the other person appears in attack mode. I've improved, but it hasn't been easy. Just wanted to state that the black silence some people might find themselves in isn't always a result of anger and isn't intended to manipulate.
My partner grew up within a dysfunctional, alcoholic family dynamic, so our communications have been challenging. Blaming and shaming was a big part of his upbringing. My partner is not an alcoholic, but has taken on some of the personality traits of the alcoholic in his family. One of the things I have said that is helpful for me is, "We can agree to disagree", if I feel I'm being bullied into submission.
Thank you for sharing ❤️ I think that sounds more like the first communication block, inability to express your needs (because you're frozen). So many people freeze up in difficult situations like this because of fear. As I said in the video, if possible, I think it can be helpful to take some time out to journal your thoughts so you can share them after you've had time to process. ❤️
I feel like I do those things but I am dealing with a person that doesn't do those things back and instead , denies any responsibility for the disagreement, stonewalls, gaslights, or turns the reason I am upset back around on ME and on top of this....throws things, screams and has tantrums
Excellent!
Wow. Stone walling is habit of mine. I shutdown once I'm bothered and I am so good at it. I feel like I've taught myself that it's the "the better option" because it's better for me to be quiet than to blurt out something hurtful. But communicating that I need a minute is such a better option, that way I can come back to the issue once I have gathered my thoughts in a healthy way. Thanks!
You're welcome! And I feel you on this ❤️
Great topic. Thanks!
Excellent strategies.
Thank you so much , Terri.
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Thank you for your service !
Thank you for watching ❤️
Absolutely loved this. Thank you Teri
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Thank you once again.This subject matter is important to me.Happy Thanksgiving .God Bless You and Yours
This was soo good Terri
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Very very helpful!! THANKYOU!❤️
So glad it was helpful ❤️
Another wonderful video, thanks so much for sharing your wisdom Terri!
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Terri you are amazing! Thank you for your work ❤
Thank you for being here, Autumn ❤
we love an honest perceptive queen. followed you hear from another podcast and love you non-nonsense approach.
I’ve watched a few videos already, my wife and I are a new couple, she’s active Navy and I’m a prior Marine, and we’re both pretty alpha and defensive due to our upbringing and lifestyle. She’s away until my son and I can join her again, so the wait and distance isn’t a helpful factor. Your videos are helping me understand a little better, I hope it can help us overall. Love isn’t the issue, it’s communication, and I don’t want us to lose each other simply because we don’t have the right tools. Thank you for all you do Miss Terri
I so hope these videos help you 💕 Thanks for watching!
Thank you🙏🏽🕊️
Terri, you have blessed my life so much! I feel as if you've become a trusted friend. In this episode, I am glad you spoke about listening with the intent to understand another. If I'm just waiting to jump in, I'm not really listening to understand the other's point of view. I love creating space! Some people are defensive in their communication. I have been guilty of it myself. It comes across as an attorney gathering evidence to make our case. It is not coming from a place of love. I'm glad you mentioned asking open ended questions. Being interested in what the other person thinks is a useful method to gain deeper understanding in communication. It allows us to learn more. I've found we also must be careful when we see a habitual complainer who is just venting, being stuck in playing the victim.
I'm glad you brought out Stonewalling too. It is damaging, and you are right in that it is a form of passive aggressive behavior. Having a bachelor's degree in Relational Communication, I learned about Stonewalling (one of John Gottman's Four Deadly Horsemen of the Apocalypse). One of the best classes in my major was titled Emotions and Communicating. Learning to tune into our emotions is vital. We all can learn to respond rather than react emotionally. Steven R. Covey states there is a 3 second space we can use before responding. Terri I love that you wisely said if we feel ourselves getting emotionally upset, we can say, "I can't talk it out right this minute, but give me 10 minutes". That allows us to cool down if we feel our emotions heating up. Yes, it certainly requires self work! It behooves us to examine ourselves and ask, am I too thin skinned? If you notice a pattern of defensiveness, you might be. We can only control ourselves. I gain more compassion for myself and others by listening more. Some people just want or need to be heard. They don't want you to offer advice. We all want to be understood. I find I am happier when I seek to understand others. It's a paradox, in that when I do, I also come to understand myself better. Thanks Terri.
Thank you so much.❤
You're so welcome ❤️
I know that these videos aren’t a replacement for therapy but they are making me face myself and how unacceptable I’ve been acting lately in my relationship as a reaction to needs not being met. I know that lashing out coldly and stonewalling are not effective ways to communicate my displeasure but I feel like I’m stuck on a merry-go-round sometimes and I need the both of us to get off now. So thank you for making these videos. They have helped.
I am so glad they are helping ❤️ And you are not alone. I have a video about unmet needs here that may help: ruclips.net/video/cMos52zoK_E/видео.html
Thanks! Breaking it down into those four categories was very easy to understand and identify with.
So glad it was helpful ❤️
Super Awesome and helpful! Thank you so much❤
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Thank you Mrs. Cole.
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This was eye opening and so helpful. Probably one of my favorite videos you’ve made. thank you!
You're welcome, and thank you for being here! ❤
Hi Terri! Thank you so much for explaining things so clearly. I just ordered your book and joined your VIP group and am so excited to have found you. You really hit the nail on the head when it comes to speaking your mind without losing your head. Thank you.
I am so happy to hear this, Ruth ❤️ Glad it resonated with you! Look forward to seeing you in the VIP space. ❤️
@@terri_cole I am gobbling up your book and enjoying it so thoroughly I feel like a starving man who finally got something nourishing to eat. I’ve studied with so many different visionaries who dance around the edge and have helped me a bit, but you have gotten to the heart of the matter. Thank you.
Wow this is so good for me. ❤
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New to your videos, but man these are all so eye opening. Thank you for taking the time to make these.
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Super helpful information & breakdown! Listened twice to get it all. Appreciate the explanations and tools. Phenomenal!
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I've learned so much from you today! I can't wait to apply all of this wisdom. Thanks all of this generosity!
You are so welcome ❤️
Thanks
Thanks Terri your video gave me a place to begin my work ❤
Thank you for watching ❤️
Thank you so much for making this info available! This is so eye-opening as to why I react the way I do and now I can begin to change and get out of the loop I have been in forever...thanks again!☺
I am so glad this was helpful ❤️
Reading boundary boss has changed so much in my life.. Thank you so much Terri cole!! I have reccomended n gifted this book to my circle also... N it's definitely working like a miracle... N so much clearity! Life has never been so before I came across you! Love! Tied up with you always! Sharing this video too to my friends!
This makes me so happy to hear, Deepal ❤ Thank you so much for being in my crew!
I am so grateful that I found your videos!! I have struggled with handling conflicts for years....what you said is so true and helpful. Thank you!
Well I am happy you're here! ❤️
Than you so much. I will definitely download the guide. I’m just finding that I was only walking on eggshells when it came to my Mom. I am definitely finding this to be an issue for me now. I’m thankful for you and the help offered so I can proceed with the tools that are available to verbalize my preferences.
Witnessing you with compassion, M ❤
Hey I love how appreciate you are
Beautiful information, very helpful thank you.
So glad it was helpful for you ❤️
Hi Terri, I saw this title and thought it could be helpful to me because I definitely relate to what you spoke about shutting down during conflict. I have done this in my relationship when my partner raises their tone and is argumentative and I would say ot makes sense with a freezing response. It is so frustrating! I feel like I get a lump in my throat and physically cannot get words out to speak my side. I also noticed this happen again in a work conflict. I am trying to grow a private physical therapy practice and over the phone a patients husband just totally tore into me over the phone and it was all I could do to not cry on the other end and keep my composure. I do feel like I am too thin skinned at times and really want to change this because you cannot run a business this way. This video is a great starting point to learn and develop some tools. Thank you!
I am so sorry you experienced that over the phone ❤️ You are not alone in this. It might also help to set boundaries, especially with clients: "I will not tolerate verbal abuse." "The way you are speaking to me is not okay."
I just ordered Boundary Boss and can't wait to get into it. Terri, you make these concepts so relatable and I like how you differentiate between the old-school understanding of boundaries as in enabling a person with substance abuse (Codependent no More) into the broader subject which so many of us suffer from beginning in our families, growing up. Also, as an agnostic person, I'm not that comfortable with books that go into the whole Higher Power thing. If that works for some, great. It just doesn't resonate with me. I originally saw you on the Women of Impact channel, and wow, you ARE a woman of impact and a boundary boss! Can't thank you enough.
Thank you soooo much ❤️ I hope you love Boundary Boss, and I am glad to have you here on the channel!
I recently found your channel and just purchased both the Audible and book versions of Boundary Boss. I am only upto chapter 7. I cannot express how helpful and enlightening your book has been. Thank you so much for taking the time to write it and narrate it. My communication during conflict is either freeze or defensive. I like the idea of a meeting every 2 weeks to problem solve, I just hope my person will be willing to “attend” said meeting.
Thank you so much, Karen ❤❤ I'm glad you're finding Boundary Boss helpful. Thank you for being here!
Thank you.
You're welcome!
Thank you for the strategies. I’ve been struggling with boundaries and all that comes with it. This video has been an eye opener to my life. Your strategies and the way you explain things are invaluable. I have your book and watch your videos daily, it has helped transform my life. I finally am able to have space in the world and learning how to better live life. ❤❤❤❤
Thank you so much ❤️ So glad you're finding the information helpful!
Thank you for an informative video. This is why counseling is so important because it provides effective strategies for situations one is in.
You are so welcome ❤️
Automatically subscribed
Thanks much for this video
I know I'll be back for more helpful content
Welcome and glad to have you here!
Thank you so much Terri . Being unable to get therapy your videos have been so helpful for me
❤️ ❤️ ❤️
Hi 👋 everyone, I’m new to the channel. Wow! I’m so grateful for this channel and am exciting to explore more of your content. Thank you Terri Cole 🙏❤️
Hi there Zelma! Thanks so much for being part of my crew here ❤️
This is just what my beloved and I need. I will try it tonight.
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Hi! I just wanted to say the way you teach is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for not making us feel evil, but helping people who struggle with this situation :)
Thank you so much ❤️❤️
😊thank you , so hrlpful
So glad it was helpful!
Hello, thank you for the great advice!! My name is Anna and I am happy to have found your channel. I am really desperately trying to change my aggressive defensive ways and get rid of my pride and ego. I will continue listening!! Thank you!
Welcome, Anna! Glad you found your way here ❤️
Wow! You hit every key point that are big issues in my relationship. I’m going to order your book. Through what you’ve described, childhood traumas have caused unconscious ways to react when triggered for both of us. I praying we can both make permanent changes in the ways we react to conflict, with your guidance from your book.
I see you, Denise ❤️ You're not alone. I hope Boundary Boss helps! I also have this short video with a script on diffusing arguments: ruclips.net/video/H7gmwfqTWpM/видео.html
Hello Terri, I want to start off saying thank you for these amazing videos. I'm currently working on myself when it comes to being less impulsive, less defensive, being an active listener amongst others. I truly appreciate the time you take in these videos♥
I really want to be less impulsive and defensive.
You are so welcome! I am cheering you on ❤️
you are amazing. I saved this episode because you truly have some great pointers. Next is checking out your guide. I'm in conflict with my guy right now and I apparently suffer from Blockers #3 and 4 and no longer want that to be my truth. I didnt realize I was such a shitty communicator or my own needs. I'm so used to being an advocate for other people that i have neglected advocating for myself. This is something I really have to work on. You are pretty and have a vey pleasant voice to listen to and i feel you did great getting your messages across. Thank you for doing what you do. You're amazing.
So glad this episode was helpful for you ❤️
Thank you so much for this informative and valuable video. My man and I listened to this together now, and have reflected on what we could do better through our old inhibiting techniques. At the beginning of our relationship still. However, being able to recognize these things early on and discuss them, is going to help us prepare better for our future! Can’t wait to tune into more of your videos. Thanks again!
I am so glad to hear you watched it and reflected together ❤️ It is great you two are able to talk about it early on in the relationship!
This rly resonates and I’m trying out your scripts tonight😲😂 I know its gna be helpful👍🏼 Thank u so much❤
I hope they were helpful! 💕
I recently found your channel, and I'm really enjoying your insights. I am attempting to learn how to solve conflicts and stop being defensive in hopes of saving my marriage. I am also autistic and have ADHD, which adds a lot of challenges. Thank you so much for the guide with scripts and sentence starters. I am looking forward to reading it and hopefully implementing it in my conversations. 😊
Thank you so much for taking the time, both to leave this comment and for watching ❤️❤️ I so appreciate you, and I hope you continue to find my videos helpful!
Hello am Janet from Zambia I love the way You talk and teach 🌹🌹❤️🔥🔥
Welcome Janet, glad to have you here ❤️
Thank you I learned a lot. I love watching your videos I communicate, but when I am threatened, I shut down and then become resentful so this teaches me how to take care of what I need and also consider the other person.
I see you and feel you, Bonnie ❤️
Thank you for your wisdom (and experience ha ha). I am in a conflict situation at this moment and applying this approach is a great shift in myself. I am doing it intuitively, but your video makes thoughts clearer as well as understanding the other person's behavior which in itself reduces my defensiveness. I will keep watching your videos.
You are so welcome 💕 Keep following your intuition!
Yes Terri, you've added tons of value to my life with this video.
I loose all my abilities during conflicts, and I often end up stonewalling. I want to be able to handle conflicts in a healthy way your presentation really helps me see how I can navigate this better.
Thank you so much.
I am so glad this was helpful for you, Nick. You're not alone ❤️
Great tools and scripts. Thanks so much! I had forgotten I was once an excellent listener. I guess when I/we stop being aware that our own “clutter” is out of control, its hard to hear others and even bigger - its hard to realize we stopped listening.
Thank you for sharing that, Beverly 💕
This is so powerful! I stumbled across writing out my thoughts when i froze in these predicaments. It was odd but so helpful to articulate my thoughts. Even if it’s weird to you or the listener, do it. It will give you the confidence to share your thoughts and feelings.
In the heat of the moment we often can’t think. Taking the extra time to write out and find out why you even feel the way you do, can be so helpful and soon you won’t need the writing/notes. It will give you the mold to assert your thoughts, never feel bad if you need to come back to the convo later, you’re learning to articulate your thoughts and it’s worth it. Thank you Terri for your attention to detailed topics and detailed solutions! 🙏🏽❤️
I so agree, thank you for sharing 💕
Most men, mine included, don’t want to talk about things so much. If there’s an issue mine will talk it through but if I keep “checking in” he’s like, why do we keep talking about the relationship every month? Everything’s fine. The checking in has given him the impression that I’m not happy or that I’m insecure about the relationship. So, no “state of the union” for us.
I am so sorry to hear your partner isn't open to checking in 💕
Terri, thank God I found you. I have never been to therapy, feel i need it but don't have the resources. With your videos I do see that I am a big part of the problem, m highly defensive, m a master silent treator and of course its the other person s fault. I don't want to point out what I think they might be doing 'wrong' coz I know thats my perception of things, wrong or right. I do though wanna work on me feeling better about myself enough that m not so thin skinned when I feel criticised, that I dont shut down for days on end. Lustening to your videos make me feel like I might be onto some home made therapy sessions. I have started jotting down stuff and think I should make that my morning routine and download those guides. Thank you for all you do. Heres to a better enough me. God bless you Terri, you already are blessed❤
Thank you so much for the kind words, and I am so glad this was helpful ❤️❤️❤️ I have another video about how to be less defensive coming out soon because you are so not alone in this struggle.
Hi terri i’m ivey, i absolutely love the strategy of writing down what is bothering me to communicate it to my partner so it’s effectively getting out and we’re learning how to problem solve correctly. I love your advice and how passionate you are about helping people with these hardships. being able to reshape myself as an adult and getting help from people like you gives me hope that i can do it. thank you!
Right on Ivey, I am cheering you on along this journey, and thank you for being part of my crew ❤️
It’s interesting! I had a situation take place Wednesday night (it’s Friday now) and I knew this morning that I need to start understanding HOW to learn about what I need MORE. I went through 1-2 videos and this is definitely THE ONE I needed most!! I’m giving myself props for the progress I’ve made and how the way I communicated Wednesday is better than what was modeled to me as a child, however, there were definitely still loopholes that just got detangled and clarified by watching this video. I see room for improvement on my end and definitely would like to find the courage to follow back up with my friend to see if they will be open to understanding what I need better. It’s exhausting to keep telling them that who I am now is not who I will be in the future because the same freezing and inability to communicate in the moment keeps happening, and I hope they are still on the journey as I keep unfolding my myth but I do realize this will take some time and effort. These scripts are heaven sent because as I’m listening I’m like “ohhhhh I just don’t have the proper language!!!! So I stumble in the moment not realizing that this is what I need”. I’m totally down to grow from these scripts thank you Terri this gives me so much faith that my desire to grow will not just stop at a desire but there’s an actual path I can take and practice and start to implement to reprogram how I deal with conflict and communication! Thank you thank you thank you !!
I am so glad you found my video, Tanasha ❤️ The right words can help a lot. I am cheering you on!
M
New to this channel, listening from Dar e Salaam, Tanzania🇹🇿
Welcome, so glad to have you here!
Terri, thanks very much for sharing your expertise.
My name is Sylvia from Accra, Ghana
You just have a new subscriber ❤❤❤
Welcome Sylvia, so glad you are here ❤️
That is a great communication toolkit. One thing that I notice that I tend to do is to bring up things from the past, just adding more fuel and losing the focus. Stay focused on the present conflict, write it down, share it, do check-ins, listen actively, don’t get defensive….
You're so not alone- this is very common. I call it kitchen sinking it when we bring up multiple grievances from the past in one discussion. ❤️
Hi Terri, wow! I really appreciate this video. I need a lot of help with this so Thanks so much! I’ve downloaded some of your sentences starters. I tend to totally freeze up in conflict and I don’t know anything when this happens. I’m just angry! I really hope I can break through that response !
I see you, and you are not alone ❤️ I hope these strategies help!
Hi Terri Im just trying to learn how to change the toxic cycle I've learned growing up and believing it was normal .. Thanks for these videos 🙏
You are so welcome, Felicia ❤️ I am cheering you on!
Thank you so much for your beautiful work! Have you considered writing a book about how to mindfully communicate in adult relationships? I know I can’t be the only one that grew up in a family that didn’t know how to healthily express themselves. I appreciate how quickly you delve down to the root of a problem. Holding up that mirror helps me see ways that I can grow and be a cycle-breaker. I appreciate you!
Thank you, Rochelle! I appreciate you, too. ❤ Boundary Boss is all about talking true and being authentically known, and it has many scripts as well.
@@terri_cole Thank you! I can’t wait to read it! 😊
Hi Terri, am new here. My name is Esther from Uganda. Very privileged to hear such words full of wisdom. Appreciate it 🙏🏾
Welcome Esther, so glad to have you here! I appreciate you 💕
Hi my name's Alycia I originally saw you on women of impact and im new to your channel! I fell in love with your videos! I'm trying so hard to be the best version of myself but love just seems so difficult! On top of that with ADHD it makes relationship very difficult... I'm glad to be hear and learn from you!
Welcome to my RUclips crew Alycia! I'm glad you're here, too. ❤️
Hi Terri, thank you for the contents, I've stumbled upon your page while looking for advice about "How to stop being defensive" and found your video. I'm currently trying to be a better man by shedding and stopping myself of the lies, being emotionally intellgent, an effective listener, also building my communicatiin with love and poise, these are just few of the things I am working on to be a better me. A little help would do with content and literature you can suggest to help me on my journey. Thank you and keep up the great work, you're changing lives 😊🙏🏽
So glad you found it helpful ❤️ I have hundreds of videos on my channel that might help.
This has a script for how to diffuse arguments: ruclips.net/video/H7gmwfqTWpM/видео.html
This is about when and how to fight: ruclips.net/video/Gbb-VOXfFRk/видео.html
How to repair after a rupture: ruclips.net/video/2_gHP7fs3Uo/видео.html
On lies, secrets, and boundaries: ruclips.net/video/iPhDzOXmM_c/видео.html
Creating emotionally trustworthy relationships: ruclips.net/video/EdEksQKuFC4/видео.html
Hope that helps!
I do both, depends on my emotions.
Hello, my name is Linda and I will be soaking up and utilizing this information. I need help for myself and my relationships.
Wow I just loved this one. Thanks 🙏
I was wondering if you would address boundaries with messy travel mates-when woman share a hotel room or vacation home. Appreciate you!
So glad you enjoyed it, J! ❤️ You can be honest and say, “I like things neat, so I would like to make a simple request that you keep your stuff to your side of the room, please, and I will do the same.” You can’t make them be neat or make their bed etc, but you can contain it to their half of the room!
Andrew Killin Mid West Indiana here. Constantly searching for podcast on self healing and relationships advice.
You are in the right spot, Andrew! Welcome 💕
I sometimes feel frozen,and later I come to and it's too late to tell them.I hate being cornered
Same
I just love your clear and forward communication style! So different - and necessary 😅- compared to the Swedish way. You are an inspiration and lifesaver and Iook to your pod, videos, guides and newsletters whenever I feel insecure about how to handle a situation as the high functioning codependent that I am. 😅 SO good and so helpful! Thank you Terri for all your great and meaningful work! ❤️❤️
Thank you so much for leaving this note, Katarina 💕 I appreciate you being part of my crew!
im new here, i have been having problems in my long distance relationships, because of how defensive i am, and i really want to change it, im a teen and i want to develop into a emotionally mature adult in the future, but i mainly watch this videos to see how i can improve so o dont hurt my partner, thank you for all the information u give
I love how you're already seeking out information to improve your relationships ❤️ You will find a lot of tips on my channel! I just did this video on 7 steps to take to stop being defensive a few months back: ruclips.net/video/thPuQxYeWw0/видео.html
Done and Done, My Wife and I lead a Marriage small group at out church. I was looking for something else when I found and feel in love with you channel. We watch this video with a group of 8 couples and you could just see the lights come on. We will continue to discuss this video this Friday.
That makes me so happy to hear, thank you so much ❤️
I feel like withdrawing is the easiest way out because my spouse tends to be very accusatory and judgmental. Even though I have asked for I statements every time we have disagreement. I think it flies in the face of personal responsibility, but for once I’d like to see somebody question what the other side is doing that may influence somebody else to withdraw.
If someone has trauma in their past, they may have no control over their nervous system shutting down and therefore withdrawing. Some folks are conflict avoidant because it's how they survived as children. If your partner is constantly judgmental or accusatory, it also makes sense you would shut down. I have lots of videos on my channel about walking on eggshells and emotional manipulation (the other side). Communication is definitely a two-way street ❤️