Stop Being Defensive + Learn to Listen | Effective Communication Tips - Terri Cole
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- Опубликовано: 13 июл 2024
- Why is defensiveness so damaging to our relationships? As one of my personal mental health heroes, Dr. Harriet Lerner, would say: “Defensiveness is the arch-enemy of listening.”
Why? Because you can’t be defensive and listen simultaneously.
It’s impossible. There are all different levels of being defensive, and there are many reasons why some people are more defensive than others.
So much of it has to do with the home you grew up in and the behavior that you saw modeled when you were a child. Questions to guide you:
-- When problems or conflict arose, what kind of behavior did you witness?
-- How did your parents or caretakers communicate? With one another? With you?
-- Did you grow up in a very authoritarian home?
-- If you made a mistake, how was it handled? Was it a big deal?
-- You might have grown up in circumstances in which it was natural for you to be defensive or always on guard to protect yourself. If your childhood environment was chaotic, scary or dangerous and there were serious consequences to your mistakes or behavior, it makes sense that defensiveness would become a part of your self-preservation strategy.
If you grew up in a very strict household, it could even have been very natural for you to lie to get out of trouble. The child within you would benefit from you giving yourself some grace as to why you did what you needed to do in order to avoid pain or punishment.
In all my years of practice and of research, I’ve learned that having the most effective communication possible is what makes the deepest, most vibrant, healthiest and truly loving relationships flourish.
Effective communication is something I am super passionate about, so that’s why this week, I’m tackling defensiveness, how to raise our awareness around it and how to stop it from blocking our greatest potential in all of our relationships.
Want to dive deeper? My pal Mark Groves and I did a 3-hour workshop all about transforming the way you communicate in every area of life. Get scripts, tools & guidance to gracefully navigate challenging discussions, address misunderstandings & develop a happier, healthier approach toward communication: crushingcommunication.com/
Download the free guide that goes along with this video: terricole.com/effective-commu...
TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction
0:37 - What is being "defensive"?
1:43 - Why are some of us so defensive? + My personal example
5:22 - Why defensiveness is bad for our relationships
7:06 - The connection between criticism and defensiveness
8:37 - Tips on clearing your side of the street and ridding yourself of this dynamic
15:30 - Why it's important to become an active listener
RELATED VIDEOS:
• How to Effectively Com... - How to Effectively Communicate During Conflict Without Making It Worse
• 7 Strategies To Stop B... - 7 Strategies to Stop Being So Defensive
• How to Communicate in ... - How to Communicate In Conflict
• Setting Boundaries Wit... - Setting Boundaries With Someone Who's Defensive
• Boundary Script for Di... - Boundary Script for Diffusing Arguments
• How to Manage Passive ... - How to Manage Passive Aggressive Behavior
ABOUT TERRI COLE:
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global leading expert in female empowerment. She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She empowers over 250,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp + her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)
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RESOURCES:
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole I no longer offer one-on-one coaching/therapy sessions but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs.
As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp’s resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help’s service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.
My book, Boundary Boss: boundarybossbook.com & The Boundary Boss Workbook: boundarybossworkbook.com
Boundary Bootcamp, my 8-week signature course, carefully constructed to take you to the next level of empowerment in all your personal + professional relationships using a positive and proactive boundary skillset that no one ever taught you. Until now: terricole.com/boundarybootcamp
www.terricole.com/gethelp/ - If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.
#terricoleshow #communicationskills #relationshiptips 
Развлечения
Here I am 😭I’m trying to heal so I can have a healthy relationship
Right on!!
Me too ✋ I'm defensive because I don't listen , I didn't notice this . I feel so lost , it's years now
I’ve been studying psychology for the last 3 years and having recently got into a serious relationship after being mostly single for the last 10 years. I’ve just realised after several disagreements that I am very defensive in most of my relationships. It’s so deeply ingrained in me to be defensive that I don’t even realise it, I just go into attack/wounded mode. Now I’ve had this deep realisation that being defensive is damaging my relationships, I can do something about it. Just feels kinda rough to know I’ve got to his age without realising this :(
Be kind with yourself, Katie. Let yourself be patient with the process and let it take time. ❤️
PWe said ii
Hey katie, dont feel discouraged please. Its amazing the realisation you have had and i think it couldnt have come at any better time. The universe works in magical ways and who knows maybe the other relationships (even as friends) didnt deserve this type of nurturing from you. I admire the fact that you were able to open your eyes to whats going on. Some people are dead and still havent opened their eyes!
@@valentinepetric3689 thank you ❤️
You are not alone. I’m doing the best I can to be better
Being defensive has been a huge struggle for me. I have gotten to the point where I can let things roll off my back at work, but my relationship with my partner suffers because I assume I am being attacked when I'm not. Thank you for sharing your insight with us!
You're so welcome. Thanks for being here ❤️
At least you acknowledge you have a problem.
I'm embarassed to admit that its taken me this long to realise that I have poor listening skills. In the span of 2 years, any fight ive had with my girlfriend was caused by me not listening. Its been brought up and I've been trying but i wasn't trying in the right way. I was still not listening to her and still trying to fix the problem instead of hearing her fully. This video was helpful in giving me the knowledge on how best to improve myself to give my partner what she deserves.
My family members always had something negative to say about me from since I was young, I always stayed quiet, and felt sad. Then as I got older I started to defend my self. It got so bad that I even get defensive at work when my managers speak to me. 😞
Yep!!! I totally can relate.
Same here with me.
Same here.
likewise.
Me too, we're in a pandemic of defensiveness
Being in a toxic household makes you react first than to respond. It became a serious issue of mine where I've always been reflecting on myself noticing that it's my wrong..
You come to defensive mode, you get triggered, feel low, less and you become toxic without even noticing..
I think reflecting on our actions is kinda hard thing but a necessary thing.
What's the sad thing is, it's even more difficult to explain this to someone..
Thank you so much for sharing this 💕 "Being in a toxic household makes you react first than to respond" makes so much sense.
I’m getting defensive watching this. lol
😂
Male here. I confess with confidence that modern females expect too much due to hollywood and disney
Me, because I realized that I am guilty of stonewalling while I thought I was being silent to avoid saying something out of anger.
This video just saved my marriage. I knew I was contributing to our problems but could not figure out how or how to change it. Now I can see the cycle and solutions clearly! Thank you! 🙏🏽
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Isadora! Thank you for being here 🥰 Sending love to you and your partner.
Beautiful! I love when we all help one another!
I hope I can find the same help. I stonewall when my wife wants to have serious conversations. I get so anxious, nervous and afraid and I’ve not been able to ever get over it. And it’s caused so many terrible issues in our relationship.
Wow. This video just made me discover myself. I am a certified defender, I recently lost the love of my life because every time she tried to talk to me about issues I would instantly feel attacked and get defensive. She called me out on it too but I was so blind and didn’t even realize how much I was hurting her and our relationship. It hurts so much knowing I could’ve been so much better for her, and that it took me so long to discover this about myself.
I am witnessing you with compassion and holding space for you as you discover more about what this means for you ❤️
This is an amazing revelation & I respect you for having the courage to acknowledge it ❤
Wow! This comment shows SO much growth. Well done for learning about yourself and trying to become better as a person and a partner.
I applaud your honesty and I commend you for being open minded enough to see it, recognize it and most importantly to take responsibility in such a public way. If only more people were willing to look at themselves so honestly, imagine how many relationships could be saved? Hugs from Canada 🇨🇦
Do you feel better? Do you find a new partner?
I’ve been listening to this video almost every morning before work. I grew up in an abusive, extremist-religious household, and at nearly 30 years old, my natural instinct is still to go into self-protective mode. This video has been immensely helpful for me in saving my job and relationships. Thank you, thank you. ❤
I am so happy to hear it's providing value for you 💕
I've been defensive for the longest time and I did not even realize it. Always thought that me explaining why I did something or how I did it, makes it easier for the other person, especially if it's something that hurt them.
It's about time I unlearn this. Thanks
Thank you for sharing this. I am sure you are not alone in how you feel. I am glad to hear you are committed to growing. I am witnessing you and sending you strength.
SAME! I just learned this today. I always overexplain in an attempt to be understood and had no idea it was defensiveness. I have a lot more work to do than I thought. :/
@@wizzyb9761 cheers to you for being able to see thyself in such a way that opens up self growth 👏🏼 Not many ppl are brave enough to look in the mirror ~ most are too busy pointing fingers (not realizing when you point a finger at someone else, 4 are pointing back at them 😉)
I have the exact same feeling. Need to unlearn this.
Just discovered you thanks to Women With Impact and I adore your energy and how you explain things. Thank you so much for all that you share with the world. I’m truly inspired by women like you and I’m truly grateful I get to hear your wise words. ❤
Well thank you for coming over here to check out my channel! I appreciate you and I'm so glad you're enjoying my videos 💕
My husband is a real one we both have our set childhood relearnings but we haven’t given up I struggle with this a lot and he needs to be heard because he didn’t get that as a child I was so used to spacing out it feels so good to finally have people be so open thank you sending love!
❤️❤️❤️
Katie, have hope, I'm 64 and my kids just pointed out how defensive and teary I get when they have issues with me. So, we're all on the learning path. In my case, my son stopped talking to me because it never went anywhere. He said get therapy, which I have started, but that doesn't seem to be addressing this issue. This episode alone, did more for me than the last 2 months of therapy sessions. Thank you Terri for your concise, approach to how to address this issue. I'm so glad I found you and looking forward to catching up on your podcasts.
I love this. But how do I do this without feeling like I’m being a doormat and just being agreeable to keep the peace?
You can listen to the other person and also listen to yourself and your own needs. Advocating for your own needs is not being a doormat. Putting your partnership above your need to be right is also not being a doormat. It's about coming together and compromising and it is hard to do that from a place where you are always trying to defend that you're right. You can listen AND work in partnership.
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM Thanks!!
Give the abuser a stonewalling or discard him or her .....some folks are narcissists , sociopaths and psychopaths ......silence treatment is the best response to a fool ...loving people is an accutate solution some time some pepple you gotta love them from a distance because you don't know what they 're doing behind close door......i will never compromise my pride dignity sanity and integrity to anyone in this universe.......love yourself to walk away from anything that doesn't serve you ....
A lot of times people tell me over and over again to stop being defensive on the actually being offensive and I want to times I have reasons for me defending himself I honestly do not just do it just to be doing and I’m being defensive is ready for a valid reason and I think a lot of people when they say stop being defensive a lot of times they’re doing it so they could do what they want
This is an old comment but I want you to know I completely feel you right how. And I know no one can tell me how to do that. Or if it’s the right thing to do. But we alone probably know and tell ourselves but can’t just yet.... I get you 💕
I have come to realise that am getting extremely defensive and like I don't give myself time to really listen..really process another person's point of view..I think am too sensitive..and I need to unlearn it..I need to learn how to get ,understand. Hear out another person's point of view..instead of always playing the victim and justifying my actions
I’m here in 2024, trying to be intentional about my social media use by listening to videos that help me improve or that I love in some way, and I just felt like the sentence “do you want to be right or do you want to be understood “ hit me like a freight train and brought tears to my eyes. I only want to be understood and felt isolated and alone as a child, so when I get defensive I feel like my inner child trying to protect me but really it’s just caging me in and not giving my partner a chance to understand me. Thank you for this video!
Wow, this made me understand how I am part of the problem and issues in my relationship. I want to be better for me and for those I love around me. I am very defensive and my past isn’t an excuse . Im ready to move forward and work on these things about myself.
I love this conversation so much. I have realized that the softness you are speaking about will come to me the more I build my emotional awareness and develop myself emotionally. I was just reflecting on my life and I realized that I have been in survival mode up until a little over a year ago when it became apparent to me that I lacked emotional safety right from my family of origin. It is the reason why I have struggled to maintain healthy relationships, have struggled to even grow in my career, I struggled to maintain a good relationship with my siblings and I even talked myself out of parenting because within myself I could see that I was lacking somewhere but it wasn't until I started to do more healing work and learning how to connect with my emotions and rewire them that I realized that some of these things like letting go of defensiveness and fear of criticism will come to you as you keep rewiring your emotional circuitry and building emotional safety within yourself. That is when the changes start to really happen. You become less insecure about yourself and have room for empathy and an ability to listen to others and hold space for them. But you can't achieve all that before you do this work on yourself first.
Thank you for sharing and being here ❤️
I wish there was a hug emoji rather than just a thumbs up 'like'...well done and so insightful with understanding about who you are and why. Hugs from Canada 🇨🇦
Very profound insight on the connections of yourself and emotions and the defensiveness. Being someone who has 2 kids and a husband with a struggling marriage so you have abhorrent recommend any resources you used to get this work started or a starting point??
Wonderful episode !!! I am guilty of interrupting a conversation …. LOVE to teach myself to become a much better listener and yes, it is so easy to go into defence mode. Great video. Am excited to learn much more 🙏❤️
So glad you liked it 💕
My boyfriend always doubted me and accused me for cheating or whatsoever that is why I keep on defending myself without realizing that I am also invalidating his feelings. I even became silent whenever he speak to me, I have this fear of confrontation. Fear of being accused. Defending myself is the only last resort I could prove to them that they are wrong. But thank you so much for making this video, it is an eye opener for me. ❤️ I am your new subscriber. ❤️ Keep it up!!
This made me cry... I need to change my responses
I'm cheering you on and holding space for you.
@@terri_cole Thank you, I'm trying but there seems to be a barrier, and I'm not sure what it is...
@@jtcarrey Fear of confrontation?
@@desigirlincanada_pg hmm... probably, still battling this!
You are not alone. We all have work to do. This was a great first step for all of us! (hugs)
Man what an eye opening video. As a kid my dad was so critical of everything I did and all I wanted to do was make him happy, so I’m extremely defensive. Now I employ this on my wife and anytime she asks a question a take it personally. Man I’m horrible for that.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ That's a powerful insight to have!
This hit me so hard Terri😰
For the first time I actually understood what is going on in my relationship… I know we have something amazing and beautiful, and could never understand why I always got defensive😢 I have so much work to do and first I need to get this deep rooted apology out.
So glad it resonated ❤️
So I had a fight with my man and I appreciate this video that explains all that happened. He wanted to win in a debate but I wanted to understand him more in a dialog. Debate and dialog are same to him as taking. I hope after watching this he can understand the difference and how intention behind taking makes a difference. ❤
Thank you for sharing, so glad it was helpful ❤️
Because my family deemed me as the scapegoat I’ve been defending me since childhood, healing and growing past being defensive is my goal.
That is beautiful ❤️ It is difficult when it's an ingrained response from childhood, but so worth healing.
I’m here because I’m completely alone. Alienated myself from my family, my significant other and my best friend.
I’m very lost and here to try and correct instead of continuing in this trap. I’m grateful for this priceless information.
I see you ❤️
Listening is the bridge to intimacy, love it! Been looking for this. I have to start from the basics. I’ve been unable to have true intimacy for most my life. This helps so much, thank you!
I am so glad it's helpful to you!
Thank you so much for taking the time to put this conversation and these tips out there. So incredibly valuable and left me with a lot to think about 🙏🏼
I am so glad to hear they were valuable for you 💕
Thank you, I need to stop this because I'm emotionally hurting people around me by doing it.
Yes you have to stop being defensive sir...learn to respond versus of reacting... I dont mean to be vulgar , rude or disrespectful sir... Take care of yoursel... And i wish you well...
Im looking for an immigration Attorney if you could please.....i know you in person i have never meet you before ...my instinct tell me perhaps you might be of help ...i will be waiting for your request promply...
I was saying i don't know you in person and have never met you before
@@elhadjdiallo633 Thank you, I have in fact come a long way since i wrote this 9 months ago. Doing a lot better than ever before, mcuh to the joy of everyone close to me.
i loved hearing that the bridge to intimacy is being an athletic listener.
Thank you for sharing that takeaway ❤️
Kindly, keep non-English speaking people in mind while presenting, your topics are very helpful and effective.
Thank you for watching 💕 Is there something specific you'd like to see in my videos that would be helpful for you?
My husband just described me as a complainer. I recognized that I probably am. This talk helped me see myself. Thank you.
❤️
This was an absolutely fantastic video, saving to listen to over and over again
So glad it was helpful ❤️
I always wondered why I was getting triggered around debaters! I am a dialogue person... I dont want to go there! Its as simple as that. Thank you so much
As a guy this even helped. Thank you Terri Cole
I've been trying to be less defensive, I just got into an ugly fight with my husband over a loose pot handle (because I handle them to roughly) and I got very defensive. Thank you for this video.
I'm witnessing you with compassion. It's ok to be human and have a reaction. As we get more awareness we can start to choose different reactions. Thank you for being here and for investing in yourself!
Wow, I needed this video. My partner called me defensive during a heated conversation, and now i realise we have a lot of debates that i intend to be dialouge. I realise I am actually defensive, and i had no idea 😮 Thanks for the tips im going to start implementing.
You're so welcome, glad these tips helped ❤️
What about helping overly defensive people who would seek to defend themselves and hurt your feelings deeply every time you try to communicate with them? They turn every conversation into a debate, even though your intent was about communication. I once told them that I was deeply hurt by their defensiveness and their inability to listen. That person asked me to admit that they have hurt them (which is what they intend to do) and they simply brushed me off by laughing loudly at my vulnerability in my face. It has happened many times, repeatedly for many years. She would even take out her anger and frustration at me (especially after work) Out of self-love and self-respect, I have decided to move on and remove her from my life trusting that there are people out there capable of healthy communication and reliable relationships. I would say, you cannot change someone unless they are willing to change themselves.
I have this same situation with my husband. I have issues also, but I do try to work on it. I just feel like we can never move forward.
You're not alone. I had to remove myself from family members. I still see them, but I don't engage with them. I just maintain a very diplomatic relationship with them. As soon as I see that it can get problematic, I take my distance. There's no other way. People like that, not always chage.
It can be hard to recognize when someone is misunderstanding on purpose. Narcissists and toxic people do that kind of thing a lot, and it can shade your perception on other interactions.
I have myself a very good woman but I'm so hurt on the inside that I tend to take it out on pur relationship, communication being one .. I'm sick and tired of myself , I want to make this work between my partner and I. Thank you for your help! God bless you
Lisa A. Romano. When you defend, you’re not listening. You are not listening.
true!
It is really hard to be "soft", when the other person's actions and/or words evoke very very strong emotions - can be triggered emotions. Delaying the conversation is not always appropriate or possible. Being from a dysfunctional family with a narcissistic father, where a lot of unconstructive hurtful toxic unhelpful (destructive) criticism was given out (critisicm from a stance of perfectionism and superiority), I understand, why people (including me) might deny reality and be defensive. I have found that it really is necessary to first try to discern, whether the criticism is constructive or destructive. Also, I have found it is helpful to discern, whether the criticizor is a toxic/narcissistic person or a good enough person. From what I have noticed - the worst type of defensiveness is actually agressive retaliation - person B says something that person A doesnt like (facts, opinion about politician, personal preferance for vacation, constructive criticism, etc) , so person A verbally attacks person B (sarcasm, yelling, destructive critisicm, passive-agressively, etc.)....
Thank you for sharing! Excellent insight, and I appreciate you being here. ❤️
This video is extremely helpful for me. Sometimes you do not even realize you are a defensive person until it is pointed out and that can bring a lot of guilt. These tips to dealing with it is so helpful. Thank you for sharing this wisdom!
I am so glad it was helpful for you, Megan! ❤️
Damn . You've mastered the art of talking
New here! Im a psychologist myself and your channel is a gem! What a find. Love the calmness in your voice and the pace at which you speak. I have shared your channel with my loved ones. Thank you for putting out this content for free
Welcome to my crew, MD, and thank you for the kind words ❤️
We all are healing
1. Criticism
2. Defensiveness
3. Contempt and
4. Stonewalling
I like the idea of the future request. It almost doesnt even give the person next you time to react and get defensive because youre already focused on solving the issue at hand. It might not be as simple in real life but you understand my point
Excellent topic. Very very important. Which makes me think of competitive people in a friendship or marriage. I had to end some friendships due to this reason.
I LOVE YOU, Terri! You are SO good at explaining the hard to explain shenanigans of our inner landscape!
Thank you, Ruth ❤️❤️
I liked this video on the strength of the title alone. 😌
Wow! Dialogue vs debate...that is a game changer for me. My husband and I are stuck in debate mode and we both end up losing....time for me to change the dance!
Thanks a million omg this was extremely helpful!!!❤
Why is there dislikes on this video? This is probably the best thing ever
So true!," Its better to be happy then proving this or that that's right.. 👍🏼
At school I was picked on, left out and laughed at. Home life I had my mum and her boyfriend picking on me, calling me ugly and putting me down. Also anything I said was wrong, and I was suddenly too “TALL” for cuddles. I haven’t hugged my mum for years because she doesn’t like hugging me. It’s come out with authority figures and when people try to tell me what to do. As you grow up, you realise you can defend yourself but it becomes a problem where you do it ALL the time
I'm holding space for you with SO much compassion, Chloe ❤️
@@terri_cole I was quiet all my life and
Never spoke up and now I'm little hypersensitive
Silence is golden
Your channel is exactly what I needed. A huuuge thanks to you!
❤️❤️❤️
I grew up in a home where that was my parents. Both very different personalities, but toxic traits the same. Mom way worse though. It is a debate every time, it is a waiting game to tell me how I am wrong. This brought out some angry feelings in me but not in a bad way. It’s confirmed trying to have dialogue with my parents might not ever be anything but a debate. I want to break the cycle. Thank you for this.
Well thanks. I'm a man but I cried in the middle of this because I feel knowing listens within my family. It's confirming my thoughts that we shouldn't compete. I felt lost like what's wrong with me. Now I feel sad cuzz my family is so hurt. I will be soooooo much softer with my approach cuzz they are hurting only themselves now
Great talk! We forgot how to listen to each other.
this was incredibly helpful. thank you so much.
You are so welcome!
Thank you for the way you gently delivered this message!
❤️❤️
Thank you! Defensiveness is a big obstacle and it helps to be mindful about it.
My husband and I will watch this together.
Right on!!
So insightful. Always a pleasure to listen to you. Thank you so much.
I'm so glad it helped, Jennifer ❤️
Thank You Terri. Thank you so much. I just got the answer to my questions
Hi Terri, This is your first video I watched today and I simply loved the way you have explained the topic. Being defensive is such a deep rooted thing and you touched this topic in such an effective way that it really made me aware of the reason why I was struggling in my relationships. Thank you so so much Terri. 🙏
I am so glad it resonated with you ❤️❤️
This whole video is on point! Thank you 🙏🏼
My goodness thank you so much Terri. I truly appreciate this information as well as several other of your videos that I can't wait to continue watching. You pointed something out that I need to work on as an athletic listener. I do have the tendency to correct dates and times - simply bc in my head the words I'm hearing have to match the pictures in my head - like the puzzle piece of time frame has to fit the whole picture or else it's like an itch I can't scratch or something. However, it does often interfere with the conversation. At that particular moment in time, that piece itself doesn't need to be placed. It's ok that it's not in use right now bc we are focused on another aspect of the puzzle, for now. And eventually it will be revisited if needed. I am thoroughly grateful for your channel and scripts. Terri, I need all the scripts girl lol. My husband and I are headed east to care for my elderly mother with dementia and she's legally blind as well. She is a narcissist and I am a somewhat enlightened empath in that I am aware of some of her tendencies and my husband is well aware of her antics. Your suggestions and direct approach are giving me the confidence of character needed to help us endure this coming "assignment". Please continue this path of helping others to learn how to fix the inside while we deal with the outside. Much continued success and joyful contentment to you, Terri!
Thank you so much for taking the time to leave this comment. I am so glad this was helpful for you 💕 And thank you for sharing your "aha" moment with us!
Brilliant! I am learning so much from you! My husband and I are BOTH defensive…a lot of love, but tough communication. Now I am aware of dialogue vs debate. Thank you so much for this…I am so looking forward to more videos on this topic…❤️
You're so welcome, Linda! I have another vid coming out tomorrow on effective communication during conflict ❤
Awesome video. I’ve finally embodied the non-defensive behaviors and have begun to be more of an active listener with my partner. I did get defensive in my words the other night though, but while being completely calm. She had to point out to me that the calm defensiveness felt unsafe. I don’t fully understand why explaining/clarifying myself is harmful, but I imagine I probably hadn’t validated her experience enough first. This video reminded me that I probably wasn’t listening as well as I should have. Those subtle defenses are much trickier than the obvious ones!
Thank you for sharing!
Thanks ❤❤❤ it's life-changing!😢🎉🎉🎉🎉❤
Dear miss terry , just wanted to say this video has helped me a lot , turned sixteen about a month ago , having the intention to start getting into relationships. Knowing that communication and accepting my flaws is key , this further reaserch has truly made much MUCH more self aware on how to communicate in the context of romantic and platonic relationships alike
(sry for the bad english got the final degree about 2 years ago and havent practiced since)
This really is right on. Really impacted me. Thank you for sharing.
Would also really like to understand how defensiveness/ having authoritarian parents makes you co dependent
@@shauntck yes I have lots of material about communication on my channel in older videos!
Thank you soooo much! I received your information so clearly! It’s just what I needed.. especially the softer approach and the future solution request. Awesomeness!!! Again thank you 🙏🏽
Terri, thank you for presenting such great and important topics in an approachable and applicable way. I really enjoy your honesty in sharing personal examples as it makes the concepts concrete and I can see how this applies in my own life. Please continue to do what you're doing as I am certainly learning a lot and you are making a positive impact in my life! Thank you and all the very best to you. :)
Thank you so much for your kind words.
Wow…I just had a light bulb go on after watching this! I realize I’m a large part of why my relationship is in the discord that it is. I just hope it’s not too late to change things around!
Thank you Terri, I’m going to use these tips❤ I’m really struggling with being defensive.
Thank you and God bless you!😊❤
This was so helpful to me. I have ruined my relationship with the best person on the planet because of my defensiveness & inability to communicate effectively. Thank you
I am witnessing you with compassion and holding space for you.
Changing my life all the time, thank you so much for the functional relating skills!!
Glad to hear it!!!
Just listening to all these videos, I have a lot issues and a horrible person, .I always thought I was good and did the right thing ,..
This is very helpful. Thank you 🙏🏾💕
This is so eye opening…I’m always wanting to be right and it causes some friendships and other relationships to end,so I’m grateful for this , hopefully I’m able to work on this to improve my relationships
I'm so glad this resonated for you ❤️
Thank you Terri for sharing your knowledge on this subject. Im in this exact situation now and I need a lot of work on myself. Thank you 😃
So glad to hear that it resonated for you. Thank you for being here, Eddie 🥰
I love this & am excited for more. Thank you! I just found you yesterday & love how you see & explain things.
Thank you for your kind words and I'm glad you found the channel!
Terri ....you are an absolute BOSS ...💪🏼 at what you do and your detail description of not being defensive.... You were made to help people. Thank You so much ..🙏.. I will definitely share with others these words of wisdom ....
So glad to hear that it resonated for you. Thank you for being here!
This was an incredible video!! I got so much out of it. I'll definitely be listening to this again. Thank you Terri for valuable life skills. ❤
You are so welcome.
This video was super helpful. Thank you very much.
So glad it was helpful for you ❤️
I get defensive which causes all the problems you mentioned accurately.
This is definitely useful and helpful. Thank you so much
You are welcome!
wow. Thank you so much for shining this light on defensiveness. I am battling with this right now in my relationship.
Glad it was helpful!
Omg .. I applied what u said about the constructive dialog at the end of the video on an argument that happened between me and my husband today, where I did exactly the opposite of your recommendations, and it almost ended up with a fight 😅 I just told him about what I learned from you .. he said: please, keep learning 😁😁😁 thank you for all the great tips, I have writen them all
This is very powerful. ❤
This information is so golden!! I'm working on myself and understanding my actions and the underlying issues.... I look forward to learning more from your channel!!
I'm so glad you're here!
Just found this today & wow!
Find myself struggling in my relationship with my mom and I believe she and I am alike in defensiveness. I'm in therapy but needed this and pray as I begin the work I stick with it and become the athletic listener for the now & future.
I find myself not wanting any new relationship because I have much work to do on me....feeling like not enough or being sensitive, or seeming to somehow make things about me(when no one is asking), sigh). Feeling like a big project, but want to change that within the next 6mo to 1yr. I know it will take work, I'm ready.
(1st time viewer, going to watch more of your lessons) Thank you!!!
Thank you for being here! Change can take time, one step at a time. It's about making those small steps and they add up. I'm cheering you on!!
Extremely helpful! Thank you 🙏🏽
Outstanding presentation thank you. I need this.
Thank you, Teri🥰🌺
Thank You for the insight. Most of these things you mention, I already naturally know it but its good to hear it as a confirmation from a professional. 🙏🏼
right on! Thank you for being here!