I’ve been studying psychology for the last 3 years and having recently got into a serious relationship after being mostly single for the last 10 years. I’ve just realised after several disagreements that I am very defensive in most of my relationships. It’s so deeply ingrained in me to be defensive that I don’t even realise it, I just go into attack/wounded mode. Now I’ve had this deep realisation that being defensive is damaging my relationships, I can do something about it. Just feels kinda rough to know I’ve got to his age without realising this :(
Hey katie, dont feel discouraged please. Its amazing the realisation you have had and i think it couldnt have come at any better time. The universe works in magical ways and who knows maybe the other relationships (even as friends) didnt deserve this type of nurturing from you. I admire the fact that you were able to open your eyes to whats going on. Some people are dead and still havent opened their eyes!
Being in a toxic household makes you react first than to respond. It became a serious issue of mine where I've always been reflecting on myself noticing that it's my wrong.. You come to defensive mode, you get triggered, feel low, less and you become toxic without even noticing.. I think reflecting on our actions is kinda hard thing but a necessary thing. What's the sad thing is, it's even more difficult to explain this to someone..
This is exactly my problem. I come from a toxic home, with parents who had a horrible relationship but didn't want to get divorced. My boyfriend however comes from a home with loving affectionate parents. I'm having such a difficult time not being defensive allll the time, to just let go of things and being okay with being wrong. And it's rlly bad for our relationship :(
I'm embarassed to admit that its taken me this long to realise that I have poor listening skills. In the span of 2 years, any fight ive had with my girlfriend was caused by me not listening. Its been brought up and I've been trying but i wasn't trying in the right way. I was still not listening to her and still trying to fix the problem instead of hearing her fully. This video was helpful in giving me the knowledge on how best to improve myself to give my partner what she deserves.
Hey same here I give us our credits for finally coming to the acknowledgment and self realization from my partners n my kids I yell a lot My tone is always aggressive I over talk And assume I’m working on it But knowing and continually doing it sucks 😅because ya Ik but I cannot keep doing the same thing. A lot steams from not being heard or feeling taken advantage of so I’m seeking on yt google n within on how to respond and react when triggered like they say yelling isn’t gonna change anything 🤦🏽♀️ well it’s a weapon I use to justify how I’m feeling which doesn’t make it right Yes I have insecurities within n trust issues with the past so the relationship is a challenge however if my partner could understand how there actions make me feel I would feel better and connected so it’s like within I be wanting to break up and then outwardly sht that would be for everything which isn’t right nor loyal but the fact that the pass wasn’t smooth n it’s a struggle tryna come to a common ground we both just feel our views are right n nothing is never solved
My family members always had something negative to say about me from since I was young, I always stayed quiet, and felt sad. Then as I got older I started to defend my self. It got so bad that I even get defensive at work when my managers speak to me. 😞
I just lost a longtime friendship, due to me being "defensive." I realized that I still have multiple types of unhealed trauma, such as sibling abuse, neighborhood bullying and abandonment. I am crying as I write this! I wish I didn't feel this way!
Being defensive has been a huge struggle for me. I have gotten to the point where I can let things roll off my back at work, but my relationship with my partner suffers because I assume I am being attacked when I'm not. Thank you for sharing your insight with us!
This video just saved my marriage. I knew I was contributing to our problems but could not figure out how or how to change it. Now I can see the cycle and solutions clearly! Thank you! 🙏🏽
I hope I can find the same help. I stonewall when my wife wants to have serious conversations. I get so anxious, nervous and afraid and I’ve not been able to ever get over it. And it’s caused so many terrible issues in our relationship.
I've been defensive for the longest time and I did not even realize it. Always thought that me explaining why I did something or how I did it, makes it easier for the other person, especially if it's something that hurt them. It's about time I unlearn this. Thanks
Thank you for sharing this. I am sure you are not alone in how you feel. I am glad to hear you are committed to growing. I am witnessing you and sending you strength.
SAME! I just learned this today. I always overexplain in an attempt to be understood and had no idea it was defensiveness. I have a lot more work to do than I thought. :/
@@wizzyb9761 cheers to you for being able to see thyself in such a way that opens up self growth 👏🏼 Not many ppl are brave enough to look in the mirror ~ most are too busy pointing fingers (not realizing when you point a finger at someone else, 4 are pointing back at them 😉)
@wizzyb9761 I'm the exact same. I thought it foster understanding. Instead It's me not hearing them fully or hearing what they mean instead of what they say.
Wow. This video just made me discover myself. I am a certified defender, I recently lost the love of my life because every time she tried to talk to me about issues I would instantly feel attacked and get defensive. She called me out on it too but I was so blind and didn’t even realize how much I was hurting her and our relationship. It hurts so much knowing I could’ve been so much better for her, and that it took me so long to discover this about myself.
I applaud your honesty and I commend you for being open minded enough to see it, recognize it and most importantly to take responsibility in such a public way. If only more people were willing to look at themselves so honestly, imagine how many relationships could be saved? Hugs from Canada 🇨🇦
Katie, have hope, I'm 64 and my kids just pointed out how defensive and teary I get when they have issues with me. So, we're all on the learning path. In my case, my son stopped talking to me because it never went anywhere. He said get therapy, which I have started, but that doesn't seem to be addressing this issue. This episode alone, did more for me than the last 2 months of therapy sessions. Thank you Terri for your concise, approach to how to address this issue. I'm so glad I found you and looking forward to catching up on your podcasts.
I have come to realise that am getting extremely defensive and like I don't give myself time to really listen..really process another person's point of view..I think am too sensitive..and I need to unlearn it..I need to learn how to get ,understand. Hear out another person's point of view..instead of always playing the victim and justifying my actions
Man what an eye opening video. As a kid my dad was so critical of everything I did and all I wanted to do was make him happy, so I’m extremely defensive. Now I employ this on my wife and anytime she asks a question a take it personally. Man I’m horrible for that.
I’m here because I’m completely alone. Alienated myself from my family, my significant other and my best friend. I’m very lost and here to try and correct instead of continuing in this trap. I’m grateful for this priceless information.
Its crazy because most people (or just me) dont even realize they are being defensive. I heard your story about your boss and i rlly saw myself in that.
Wow, this made me understand how I am part of the problem and issues in my relationship. I want to be better for me and for those I love around me. I am very defensive and my past isn’t an excuse . Im ready to move forward and work on these things about myself.
I love this conversation so much. I have realized that the softness you are speaking about will come to me the more I build my emotional awareness and develop myself emotionally. I was just reflecting on my life and I realized that I have been in survival mode up until a little over a year ago when it became apparent to me that I lacked emotional safety right from my family of origin. It is the reason why I have struggled to maintain healthy relationships, have struggled to even grow in my career, I struggled to maintain a good relationship with my siblings and I even talked myself out of parenting because within myself I could see that I was lacking somewhere but it wasn't until I started to do more healing work and learning how to connect with my emotions and rewire them that I realized that some of these things like letting go of defensiveness and fear of criticism will come to you as you keep rewiring your emotional circuitry and building emotional safety within yourself. That is when the changes start to really happen. You become less insecure about yourself and have room for empathy and an ability to listen to others and hold space for them. But you can't achieve all that before you do this work on yourself first.
I wish there was a hug emoji rather than just a thumbs up 'like'...well done and so insightful with understanding about who you are and why. Hugs from Canada 🇨🇦
Very profound insight on the connections of yourself and emotions and the defensiveness. Being someone who has 2 kids and a husband with a struggling marriage so you have abhorrent recommend any resources you used to get this work started or a starting point??
So I had a fight with my man and I appreciate this video that explains all that happened. He wanted to win in a debate but I wanted to understand him more in a dialog. Debate and dialog are same to him as taking. I hope after watching this he can understand the difference and how intention behind taking makes a difference. ❤
Very helpful and thank you. I am a natural fighter and defensive person… it stems from my childhood and the more I continue to heal within the more I am committed to being the best version of myself. I don’t want to fight anyone and I don’t care about being right…. I want peace
You can listen to the other person and also listen to yourself and your own needs. Advocating for your own needs is not being a doormat. Putting your partnership above your need to be right is also not being a doormat. It's about coming together and compromising and it is hard to do that from a place where you are always trying to defend that you're right. You can listen AND work in partnership.
Give the abuser a stonewalling or discard him or her .....some folks are narcissists , sociopaths and psychopaths ......silence treatment is the best response to a fool ...loving people is an accutate solution some time some pepple you gotta love them from a distance because you don't know what they 're doing behind close door......i will never compromise my pride dignity sanity and integrity to anyone in this universe.......love yourself to walk away from anything that doesn't serve you ....
A lot of times people tell me over and over again to stop being defensive on the actually being offensive and I want to times I have reasons for me defending himself I honestly do not just do it just to be doing and I’m being defensive is ready for a valid reason and I think a lot of people when they say stop being defensive a lot of times they’re doing it so they could do what they want
This is an old comment but I want you to know I completely feel you right how. And I know no one can tell me how to do that. Or if it’s the right thing to do. But we alone probably know and tell ourselves but can’t just yet.... I get you 💕
This video is extremely helpful for me. Sometimes you do not even realize you are a defensive person until it is pointed out and that can bring a lot of guilt. These tips to dealing with it is so helpful. Thank you for sharing this wisdom!
Yes you have to stop being defensive sir...learn to respond versus of reacting... I dont mean to be vulgar , rude or disrespectful sir... Take care of yoursel... And i wish you well...
Im looking for an immigration Attorney if you could please.....i know you in person i have never meet you before ...my instinct tell me perhaps you might be of help ...i will be waiting for your request promply...
@@elhadjdiallo633 Thank you, I have in fact come a long way since i wrote this 9 months ago. Doing a lot better than ever before, mcuh to the joy of everyone close to me.
Thank you so much Terri, you have once again opened my eyes/ears to creating more effective communications. I will continue to use this new information tonight to better strenghten these new skills.
This hit me so hard Terri😰 For the first time I actually understood what is going on in my relationship… I know we have something amazing and beautiful, and could never understand why I always got defensive😢 I have so much work to do and first I need to get this deep rooted apology out.
I’m here in 2024, trying to be intentional about my social media use by listening to videos that help me improve or that I love in some way, and I just felt like the sentence “do you want to be right or do you want to be understood “ hit me like a freight train and brought tears to my eyes. I only want to be understood and felt isolated and alone as a child, so when I get defensive I feel like my inner child trying to protect me but really it’s just caging me in and not giving my partner a chance to understand me. Thank you for this video!
Wow, I needed this video. My partner called me defensive during a heated conversation, and now i realise we have a lot of debates that i intend to be dialouge. I realise I am actually defensive, and i had no idea 😮 Thanks for the tips im going to start implementing.
Wow! Dialogue vs debate...that is a game changer for me. My husband and I are stuck in debate mode and we both end up losing....time for me to change the dance!
Excellent topic. Very very important. Which makes me think of competitive people in a friendship or marriage. I had to end some friendships due to this reason.
Just discovered you thanks to Women With Impact and I adore your energy and how you explain things. Thank you so much for all that you share with the world. I’m truly inspired by women like you and I’m truly grateful I get to hear your wise words. ❤
I’ve been listening to this video almost every morning before work. I grew up in an abusive, extremist-religious household, and at nearly 30 years old, my natural instinct is still to go into self-protective mode. This video has been immensely helpful for me in saving my job and relationships. Thank you, thank you. ❤
It is really hard to be "soft", when the other person's actions and/or words evoke very very strong emotions - can be triggered emotions. Delaying the conversation is not always appropriate or possible. Being from a dysfunctional family with a narcissistic father, where a lot of unconstructive hurtful toxic unhelpful (destructive) criticism was given out (critisicm from a stance of perfectionism and superiority), I understand, why people (including me) might deny reality and be defensive. I have found that it really is necessary to first try to discern, whether the criticism is constructive or destructive. Also, I have found it is helpful to discern, whether the criticizor is a toxic/narcissistic person or a good enough person. From what I have noticed - the worst type of defensiveness is actually agressive retaliation - person B says something that person A doesnt like (facts, opinion about politician, personal preferance for vacation, constructive criticism, etc) , so person A verbally attacks person B (sarcasm, yelling, destructive critisicm, passive-agressively, etc.)....
I like the idea of the future request. It almost doesnt even give the person next you time to react and get defensive because youre already focused on solving the issue at hand. It might not be as simple in real life but you understand my point
New here! Im a psychologist myself and your channel is a gem! What a find. Love the calmness in your voice and the pace at which you speak. I have shared your channel with my loved ones. Thank you for putting out this content for free
Listening is the bridge to intimacy, love it! Been looking for this. I have to start from the basics. I’ve been unable to have true intimacy for most my life. This helps so much, thank you!
I used to have an answer and an opinion or comment on everything before the other person was finished taking. I’ve learned to stop that in my 50’s and become more interested in asking many questions. But now I feel very lonely because I’ve noticed people just want to talk and they never ask me anything. It’s been very lonely but I’ve noticed a shift and a balance happening lately. I think it’s also about falling in love with yourself and you will become less reactive because you get more self confidence.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ I have a short video about how to navigate this situation here because it's unfortunately a common occurrence: ruclips.net/video/jPgCS4Dosqk/видео.html
I grew up in a home where that was my parents. Both very different personalities, but toxic traits the same. Mom way worse though. It is a debate every time, it is a waiting game to tell me how I am wrong. This brought out some angry feelings in me but not in a bad way. It’s confirmed trying to have dialogue with my parents might not ever be anything but a debate. I want to break the cycle. Thank you for this.
This is so eye opening…I’m always wanting to be right and it causes some friendships and other relationships to end,so I’m grateful for this , hopefully I’m able to work on this to improve my relationships
My husband is a real one we both have our set childhood relearnings but we haven’t given up I struggle with this a lot and he needs to be heard because he didn’t get that as a child I was so used to spacing out it feels so good to finally have people be so open thank you sending love!
Thank you so much for taking the time to put this conversation and these tips out there. So incredibly valuable and left me with a lot to think about 🙏🏼
Thankyou so much! I wasn’t aware that I was being defensive, my goal was to give reassurance but this video helped me realize I am doing the exact opposite of that. I want to work on my communication skills and listening skills to strengthen my relationship with the love of my life
Wonderful episode !!! I am guilty of interrupting a conversation …. LOVE to teach myself to become a much better listener and yes, it is so easy to go into defence mode. Great video. Am excited to learn much more 🙏❤️
I have myself a very good woman but I'm so hurt on the inside that I tend to take it out on pur relationship, communication being one .. I'm sick and tired of myself , I want to make this work between my partner and I. Thank you for your help! God bless you
Well thanks. I'm a man but I cried in the middle of this because I feel knowing listens within my family. It's confirming my thoughts that we shouldn't compete. I felt lost like what's wrong with me. Now I feel sad cuzz my family is so hurt. I will be soooooo much softer with my approach cuzz they are hurting only themselves now
I've been trying to be less defensive, I just got into an ugly fight with my husband over a loose pot handle (because I handle them to roughly) and I got very defensive. Thank you for this video.
I'm witnessing you with compassion. It's ok to be human and have a reaction. As we get more awareness we can start to choose different reactions. Thank you for being here and for investing in yourself!
This was so helpful to me. I have ruined my relationship with the best person on the planet because of my defensiveness & inability to communicate effectively. Thank you
You’re such a graceful and thoughtful communicator. This is my first time seeing you in my life but this video is sufficient for me to subscribe. Thank you for this.
I really love your video and advice. I love how you share it and teach it about being defensive and to prevent it. Ive just discovered your video and im now tryna take to heart how youve said what can be done to help us be better at communicating instead of being defensive all the time.
My boyfriend always doubted me and accused me for cheating or whatsoever that is why I keep on defending myself without realizing that I am also invalidating his feelings. I even became silent whenever he speak to me, I have this fear of confrontation. Fear of being accused. Defending myself is the only last resort I could prove to them that they are wrong. But thank you so much for making this video, it is an eye opener for me. ❤️ I am your new subscriber. ❤️ Keep it up!!
Thank you so much for this! I always struggled how to translate these concepts into the actual conversations and your examples really helped with that!
I just have to first say how much gratitude I have for you and your videos that you put out. Thank you so much 🙏❤️🔥 these have been so helpful for me and figuring out my own defensiveness behaviors. But secondly, I want to say just sorry I am that you had to learn this lesson from your boss in such a way. Yea. It was probably extraordinarily formative for making the lesson stick. I’ll give you that. But, while your boss was right, your responses to him were technically what were making you defensive, I would argue though that the way he made you learn this lesson is what made him a bad leader. He missed an opportunity to not only teach you that lesson but do it while also making you feel heard about why you were doing what you did the way you did. Who’s to say you didn’t know a better way? Given a crisis scenario, sure, yes, 100%, that kind of “chit chat” (if you will) should be stowed, so that critical operational functions are carried out. (But if you were so new you shouldn’t have been put in such a crisis situation without first getting the proper on-boarding, vetting, or need to know anyway) But on a run of the mill work day on a Tuesday at 8am… he missed out on not only giving you the opportunity to learn this lesson about your defensiveness and show you that he also still valued your thoughts and input (as well as show everyone around him that he still approached you with the belief that he had something to learn from you, even if he didn’t too),… but he missed out on maybe even getting a better way to do what he ultimately wanted done potentially saving him or the company time and money (that he might be letting his ego get in the way of the organization benefiting from), he missed an opportunity to make you feel confident about learning this new lesson and that you have space to make mistakes continuing to learn it, that if you do make mistakes you won’t be lashed back at (which could have potentially resulted in you needing to have to have the personal maturity to rightfully know to separate yourself to be able to collect yourself because the space you were in literally couldn’t have been a safe enough space for you to do that in if you felt you had to leave it to collect yourself in the first place. 🤷♂️) he missed giving an opportunity for his other employees around to further chime in with additional support allowing you to not only feel in a safe space with your boss but also everyone in his leadership, Which means he missed an opportunity to further organically weave a network of safety and security amongst all his staff that extends beyond his personal individual reach, relieving his employees individual mental stressors of everyones constantly relearned mind numbing lesson of “mommy and daddy aren’t going to save me this time…” BUT while also not leaving you to handle the trauma alone BECAUSE “bother, sister, friend, colleague, secretary, manager, boss’s boss, heck even office cubical neighbor… is there, willing and at the ready to help support you if you need it.” And most importantly he missed an opportunity to help you learn how to do that for the person right behind you coming in in case he wasn’t their to provide the safe space for them to learn that lesson in no less, not having to micromanage his safe spaces amongst his people while also not having to micromanage his office work spaces. Though, I wouldn’t be sitting here having learned how much those opportunities were missed had the two of you not carried out the multigenerational alchemy of living that all out, documenting it and then sharing it for anyone to see. 🙏❤️🔥 Again, thank you for giving me that safe space to have learned this lesson in that you were not offered to learn it in. 🙇♂️ It will forever make me a better human. 🙏🥹
Awesome video. I’ve finally embodied the non-defensive behaviors and have begun to be more of an active listener with my partner. I did get defensive in my words the other night though, but while being completely calm. She had to point out to me that the calm defensiveness felt unsafe. I don’t fully understand why explaining/clarifying myself is harmful, but I imagine I probably hadn’t validated her experience enough first. This video reminded me that I probably wasn’t listening as well as I should have. Those subtle defenses are much trickier than the obvious ones!
I always wondered why I was getting triggered around debaters! I am a dialogue person... I dont want to go there! Its as simple as that. Thank you so much
What about helping overly defensive people who would seek to defend themselves and hurt your feelings deeply every time you try to communicate with them? They turn every conversation into a debate, even though your intent was about communication. I once told them that I was deeply hurt by their defensiveness and their inability to listen. That person asked me to admit that they have hurt them (which is what they intend to do) and they simply brushed me off by laughing loudly at my vulnerability in my face. It has happened many times, repeatedly for many years. She would even take out her anger and frustration at me (especially after work) Out of self-love and self-respect, I have decided to move on and remove her from my life trusting that there are people out there capable of healthy communication and reliable relationships. I would say, you cannot change someone unless they are willing to change themselves.
You're not alone. I had to remove myself from family members. I still see them, but I don't engage with them. I just maintain a very diplomatic relationship with them. As soon as I see that it can get problematic, I take my distance. There's no other way. People like that, not always chage.
It can be hard to recognize when someone is misunderstanding on purpose. Narcissists and toxic people do that kind of thing a lot, and it can shade your perception on other interactions.
Thank you for this I feel like my relationship is falling apart because of my defensive actions and my listening skills I interrupt her I don’t listen when she asked me to do basic things most of all I make her feel like she can’t come to me for anything because I will make a fight out of it and I hate that I just wanna be there for her and be better but I feel like I mess up every time never have the right thing to say but I will work on taking my time before I speak to ensure that I don’t upset and make sure I don’t take everything to heart like I’m getting attacked
I think it's okay to be open with her and say something like, "Hey, I am working on being less defensive. When we get into conflict, I worry I will say the right thing and I shut down as a result. To help us have more constructive conflict, I'd like to take more time to thoughtfully respond, this way I don't become as defensive or frozen." This shows you're willing to try your best for the relationship. It also reframes it as you and her against the problem and not you and her against each other. 💕
Terri ....you are an absolute BOSS ...💪🏼 at what you do and your detail description of not being defensive.... You were made to help people. Thank You so much ..🙏.. I will definitely share with others these words of wisdom ....
Brilliant! I am learning so much from you! My husband and I are BOTH defensive…a lot of love, but tough communication. Now I am aware of dialogue vs debate. Thank you so much for this…I am so looking forward to more videos on this topic…❤️
Omg .. I applied what u said about the constructive dialog at the end of the video on an argument that happened between me and my husband today, where I did exactly the opposite of your recommendations, and it almost ended up with a fight 😅 I just told him about what I learned from you .. he said: please, keep learning 😁😁😁 thank you for all the great tips, I have writen them all
Hi Terri, This is your first video I watched today and I simply loved the way you have explained the topic. Being defensive is such a deep rooted thing and you touched this topic in such an effective way that it really made me aware of the reason why I was struggling in my relationships. Thank you so so much Terri. 🙏
Wow! This is the first time Ive come across your page and I am thoroughly enjoying your content! Thank you for sharing the treasure of your experience with us!
Yes 3 years later from when you posted this video but you definitely opened my eyes even more! been trying to be a better listener/partner for my relationship cause I’ve definitely been defensive alot more lately than usual! Just want everything perfect but I have to realize/remember I’m a homo sapient, in due time with work this consciousness’s ego will evolve to greater lengths ! Thanks !! 🖤
Thank you, this has truly affected me most of my life until and still struggling at times. My willingness to see how relationships thrive or dissolve has always been intriguing. Yet, putting into practice with others, I believe the other counterpart often stokes the embers .. like when e Eckhart speaks on the “ pain body “ unraveling takes practice. I’m an introvert so my subjects are few and far between. Mindfulness helps, with breathing, pausing and yes. Really listening. Thank you. No desire to win.
Terri, thank you for presenting such great and important topics in an approachable and applicable way. I really enjoy your honesty in sharing personal examples as it makes the concepts concrete and I can see how this applies in my own life. Please continue to do what you're doing as I am certainly learning a lot and you are making a positive impact in my life! Thank you and all the very best to you. :)
I’ve been studying psychology for the last 3 years and having recently got into a serious relationship after being mostly single for the last 10 years. I’ve just realised after several disagreements that I am very defensive in most of my relationships. It’s so deeply ingrained in me to be defensive that I don’t even realise it, I just go into attack/wounded mode. Now I’ve had this deep realisation that being defensive is damaging my relationships, I can do something about it. Just feels kinda rough to know I’ve got to his age without realising this :(
Be kind with yourself, Katie. Let yourself be patient with the process and let it take time. ❤️
PWe said ii
Hey katie, dont feel discouraged please. Its amazing the realisation you have had and i think it couldnt have come at any better time. The universe works in magical ways and who knows maybe the other relationships (even as friends) didnt deserve this type of nurturing from you. I admire the fact that you were able to open your eyes to whats going on. Some people are dead and still havent opened their eyes!
@@valentinepetric3689 thank you ❤️
You are not alone. I’m doing the best I can to be better
Being in a toxic household makes you react first than to respond. It became a serious issue of mine where I've always been reflecting on myself noticing that it's my wrong..
You come to defensive mode, you get triggered, feel low, less and you become toxic without even noticing..
I think reflecting on our actions is kinda hard thing but a necessary thing.
What's the sad thing is, it's even more difficult to explain this to someone..
Thank you so much for sharing this 💕 "Being in a toxic household makes you react first than to respond" makes so much sense.
This is exactly my problem. I come from a toxic home, with parents who had a horrible relationship but didn't want to get divorced. My boyfriend however comes from a home with loving affectionate parents. I'm having such a difficult time not being defensive allll the time, to just let go of things and being okay with being wrong. And it's rlly bad for our relationship :(
Here I am 😭I’m trying to heal so I can have a healthy relationship
Right on!!
Me too ✋ I'm defensive because I don't listen , I didn't notice this . I feel so lost , it's years now
I'm embarassed to admit that its taken me this long to realise that I have poor listening skills. In the span of 2 years, any fight ive had with my girlfriend was caused by me not listening. Its been brought up and I've been trying but i wasn't trying in the right way. I was still not listening to her and still trying to fix the problem instead of hearing her fully. This video was helpful in giving me the knowledge on how best to improve myself to give my partner what she deserves.
Hey same here I give us our credits for finally coming to the acknowledgment and self realization from my partners n my kids
I yell a lot
My tone is always aggressive
I over talk
And assume I’m working on it
But knowing and continually doing it sucks 😅because ya Ik but I cannot keep doing the same thing. A lot steams from not being heard or feeling taken advantage of so I’m seeking on yt google n within on how to respond and react when triggered like they say yelling isn’t gonna change anything 🤦🏽♀️ well it’s a weapon I use to justify how I’m feeling which doesn’t make it right
Yes I have insecurities within n trust issues with the past so the relationship is a challenge however if my partner could understand how there actions make me feel I would feel better and connected so it’s like within I be wanting to break up and then outwardly sht that would be for everything which isn’t right nor loyal but the fact that the pass wasn’t smooth n it’s a struggle tryna come to a common ground we both just feel our views are right n nothing is never solved
My family members always had something negative to say about me from since I was young, I always stayed quiet, and felt sad. Then as I got older I started to defend my self. It got so bad that I even get defensive at work when my managers speak to me. 😞
Yep!!! I totally can relate.
Same here with me.
Same here.
likewise.
Me too, we're in a pandemic of defensiveness
I just lost a longtime friendship, due to me being "defensive." I realized that I still have multiple types of unhealed trauma, such as sibling abuse, neighborhood bullying and abandonment. I am crying as I write this! I wish I didn't feel this way!
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love your way ❤️❤️
Wow hold your head up it’s a good thing that you were able to see your end in it that’s progress
Being defensive has been a huge struggle for me. I have gotten to the point where I can let things roll off my back at work, but my relationship with my partner suffers because I assume I am being attacked when I'm not. Thank you for sharing your insight with us!
You're so welcome. Thanks for being here ❤️
At least you acknowledge you have a problem.
1. Criticism
2. Defensiveness
3. Contempt and
4. Stonewalling
Because my family deemed me as the scapegoat I’ve been defending me since childhood, healing and growing past being defensive is my goal.
That is beautiful ❤️ It is difficult when it's an ingrained response from childhood, but so worth healing.
This video just saved my marriage. I knew I was contributing to our problems but could not figure out how or how to change it. Now I can see the cycle and solutions clearly! Thank you! 🙏🏽
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Isadora! Thank you for being here 🥰 Sending love to you and your partner.
Beautiful! I love when we all help one another!
I hope I can find the same help. I stonewall when my wife wants to have serious conversations. I get so anxious, nervous and afraid and I’ve not been able to ever get over it. And it’s caused so many terrible issues in our relationship.
Debate vs Dialogue really made things clear on what I’ve been doing. I’ve always approached our confrontation like a debate
Thanks for sharing!
I've been defensive for the longest time and I did not even realize it. Always thought that me explaining why I did something or how I did it, makes it easier for the other person, especially if it's something that hurt them.
It's about time I unlearn this. Thanks
Thank you for sharing this. I am sure you are not alone in how you feel. I am glad to hear you are committed to growing. I am witnessing you and sending you strength.
SAME! I just learned this today. I always overexplain in an attempt to be understood and had no idea it was defensiveness. I have a lot more work to do than I thought. :/
@@wizzyb9761 cheers to you for being able to see thyself in such a way that opens up self growth 👏🏼 Not many ppl are brave enough to look in the mirror ~ most are too busy pointing fingers (not realizing when you point a finger at someone else, 4 are pointing back at them 😉)
I have the exact same feeling. Need to unlearn this.
@wizzyb9761 I'm the exact same. I thought it foster understanding. Instead It's me not hearing them fully or hearing what they mean instead of what they say.
i loved hearing that the bridge to intimacy is being an athletic listener.
Thank you for sharing that takeaway ❤️
Wow. This video just made me discover myself. I am a certified defender, I recently lost the love of my life because every time she tried to talk to me about issues I would instantly feel attacked and get defensive. She called me out on it too but I was so blind and didn’t even realize how much I was hurting her and our relationship. It hurts so much knowing I could’ve been so much better for her, and that it took me so long to discover this about myself.
I am witnessing you with compassion and holding space for you as you discover more about what this means for you ❤️
This is an amazing revelation & I respect you for having the courage to acknowledge it ❤
Wow! This comment shows SO much growth. Well done for learning about yourself and trying to become better as a person and a partner.
I applaud your honesty and I commend you for being open minded enough to see it, recognize it and most importantly to take responsibility in such a public way. If only more people were willing to look at themselves so honestly, imagine how many relationships could be saved? Hugs from Canada 🇨🇦
Do you feel better? Do you find a new partner?
Katie, have hope, I'm 64 and my kids just pointed out how defensive and teary I get when they have issues with me. So, we're all on the learning path. In my case, my son stopped talking to me because it never went anywhere. He said get therapy, which I have started, but that doesn't seem to be addressing this issue. This episode alone, did more for me than the last 2 months of therapy sessions. Thank you Terri for your concise, approach to how to address this issue. I'm so glad I found you and looking forward to catching up on your podcasts.
I have come to realise that am getting extremely defensive and like I don't give myself time to really listen..really process another person's point of view..I think am too sensitive..and I need to unlearn it..I need to learn how to get ,understand. Hear out another person's point of view..instead of always playing the victim and justifying my actions
Keep going, Terri Cole! You don’t just have a RUclips channel-you’ve created a university where I’ve learned so much for free. Thank you! ✌️
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Man what an eye opening video. As a kid my dad was so critical of everything I did and all I wanted to do was make him happy, so I’m extremely defensive. Now I employ this on my wife and anytime she asks a question a take it personally. Man I’m horrible for that.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ That's a powerful insight to have!
I’m here because I’m completely alone. Alienated myself from my family, my significant other and my best friend.
I’m very lost and here to try and correct instead of continuing in this trap. I’m grateful for this priceless information.
I see you ❤️
This made me cry... I need to change my responses
I'm cheering you on and holding space for you.
@@terri_cole Thank you, I'm trying but there seems to be a barrier, and I'm not sure what it is...
@@jtcarrey Fear of confrontation?
@@desigirlincanada_pg hmm... probably, still battling this!
You are not alone. We all have work to do. This was a great first step for all of us! (hugs)
Its crazy because most people (or just me) dont even realize they are being defensive. I heard your story about your boss and i rlly saw myself in that.
That's why I'm all about us raising our awareness 💕 So glad you could see yourself in the story I shared!
i think its apart of human nature, that we are in a state of survival in all aspects so we get defensive to survive or live
Wow, this made me understand how I am part of the problem and issues in my relationship. I want to be better for me and for those I love around me. I am very defensive and my past isn’t an excuse . Im ready to move forward and work on these things about myself.
I love this conversation so much. I have realized that the softness you are speaking about will come to me the more I build my emotional awareness and develop myself emotionally. I was just reflecting on my life and I realized that I have been in survival mode up until a little over a year ago when it became apparent to me that I lacked emotional safety right from my family of origin. It is the reason why I have struggled to maintain healthy relationships, have struggled to even grow in my career, I struggled to maintain a good relationship with my siblings and I even talked myself out of parenting because within myself I could see that I was lacking somewhere but it wasn't until I started to do more healing work and learning how to connect with my emotions and rewire them that I realized that some of these things like letting go of defensiveness and fear of criticism will come to you as you keep rewiring your emotional circuitry and building emotional safety within yourself. That is when the changes start to really happen. You become less insecure about yourself and have room for empathy and an ability to listen to others and hold space for them. But you can't achieve all that before you do this work on yourself first.
Thank you for sharing and being here ❤️
I wish there was a hug emoji rather than just a thumbs up 'like'...well done and so insightful with understanding about who you are and why. Hugs from Canada 🇨🇦
Very profound insight on the connections of yourself and emotions and the defensiveness. Being someone who has 2 kids and a husband with a struggling marriage so you have abhorrent recommend any resources you used to get this work started or a starting point??
I’m getting defensive watching this. lol
😂
Me, because I realized that I am guilty of stonewalling while I thought I was being silent to avoid saying something out of anger.
😂
😂😂😂
Stupid
So I had a fight with my man and I appreciate this video that explains all that happened. He wanted to win in a debate but I wanted to understand him more in a dialog. Debate and dialog are same to him as taking. I hope after watching this he can understand the difference and how intention behind taking makes a difference. ❤
Thank you for sharing, so glad it was helpful ❤️
Very helpful and thank you. I am a natural fighter and defensive person… it stems from my childhood and the more I continue to heal within the more I am committed to being the best version of myself. I don’t want to fight anyone and I don’t care about being right…. I want peace
Love this, thanks for sharing ❤️
As a guy this even helped. Thank you Terri Cole
I like the bit about being "future-focused" when talking about a "past" misdemeanour. So much more constructive. 👏
Thanks for sharing ❤️
I love this. But how do I do this without feeling like I’m being a doormat and just being agreeable to keep the peace?
You can listen to the other person and also listen to yourself and your own needs. Advocating for your own needs is not being a doormat. Putting your partnership above your need to be right is also not being a doormat. It's about coming together and compromising and it is hard to do that from a place where you are always trying to defend that you're right. You can listen AND work in partnership.
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM Thanks!!
Give the abuser a stonewalling or discard him or her .....some folks are narcissists , sociopaths and psychopaths ......silence treatment is the best response to a fool ...loving people is an accutate solution some time some pepple you gotta love them from a distance because you don't know what they 're doing behind close door......i will never compromise my pride dignity sanity and integrity to anyone in this universe.......love yourself to walk away from anything that doesn't serve you ....
A lot of times people tell me over and over again to stop being defensive on the actually being offensive and I want to times I have reasons for me defending himself I honestly do not just do it just to be doing and I’m being defensive is ready for a valid reason and I think a lot of people when they say stop being defensive a lot of times they’re doing it so they could do what they want
This is an old comment but I want you to know I completely feel you right how. And I know no one can tell me how to do that. Or if it’s the right thing to do. But we alone probably know and tell ourselves but can’t just yet.... I get you 💕
This video is extremely helpful for me. Sometimes you do not even realize you are a defensive person until it is pointed out and that can bring a lot of guilt. These tips to dealing with it is so helpful. Thank you for sharing this wisdom!
I am so glad it was helpful for you, Megan! ❤️
Thank you, I need to stop this because I'm emotionally hurting people around me by doing it.
Yes you have to stop being defensive sir...learn to respond versus of reacting... I dont mean to be vulgar , rude or disrespectful sir... Take care of yoursel... And i wish you well...
Im looking for an immigration Attorney if you could please.....i know you in person i have never meet you before ...my instinct tell me perhaps you might be of help ...i will be waiting for your request promply...
I was saying i don't know you in person and have never met you before
@@elhadjdiallo633 Thank you, I have in fact come a long way since i wrote this 9 months ago. Doing a lot better than ever before, mcuh to the joy of everyone close to me.
@@elhadjdiallo633
Thank you so much Terri, you have once again opened my eyes/ears to creating more effective communications. I will continue to use this new information tonight to better strenghten these new skills.
You're so welcome ❤️
My husband just described me as a complainer. I recognized that I probably am. This talk helped me see myself. Thank you.
❤️
I think you just. changed. my life. Thank you. Thank you 1000x
💕
This hit me so hard Terri😰
For the first time I actually understood what is going on in my relationship… I know we have something amazing and beautiful, and could never understand why I always got defensive😢 I have so much work to do and first I need to get this deep rooted apology out.
So glad it resonated ❤️
I’m here in 2024, trying to be intentional about my social media use by listening to videos that help me improve or that I love in some way, and I just felt like the sentence “do you want to be right or do you want to be understood “ hit me like a freight train and brought tears to my eyes. I only want to be understood and felt isolated and alone as a child, so when I get defensive I feel like my inner child trying to protect me but really it’s just caging me in and not giving my partner a chance to understand me. Thank you for this video!
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Courtney ❤️ Thank you for sharing this with us.
Wow, I needed this video. My partner called me defensive during a heated conversation, and now i realise we have a lot of debates that i intend to be dialouge. I realise I am actually defensive, and i had no idea 😮 Thanks for the tips im going to start implementing.
You're so welcome, glad these tips helped ❤️
As a man i actually am learning this to be less defensive to be better to guys out there we need to learn to listen and umderstanding
Cheering you on, Allen 🙌
Wow! Dialogue vs debate...that is a game changer for me. My husband and I are stuck in debate mode and we both end up losing....time for me to change the dance!
Excellent topic. Very very important. Which makes me think of competitive people in a friendship or marriage. I had to end some friendships due to this reason.
I get defensive which causes all the problems you mentioned accurately.
This is definitely useful and helpful. Thank you so much
You are welcome!
So true!," Its better to be happy then proving this or that that's right.. 👍🏼
Just discovered you thanks to Women With Impact and I adore your energy and how you explain things. Thank you so much for all that you share with the world. I’m truly inspired by women like you and I’m truly grateful I get to hear your wise words. ❤
Well thank you for coming over here to check out my channel! I appreciate you and I'm so glad you're enjoying my videos 💕
I’ve been listening to this video almost every morning before work. I grew up in an abusive, extremist-religious household, and at nearly 30 years old, my natural instinct is still to go into self-protective mode. This video has been immensely helpful for me in saving my job and relationships. Thank you, thank you. ❤
I am so happy to hear it's providing value for you 💕
Kindly, keep non-English speaking people in mind while presenting, your topics are very helpful and effective.
Thank you for watching 💕 Is there something specific you'd like to see in my videos that would be helpful for you?
Thank you and God bless you!😊❤
It is really hard to be "soft", when the other person's actions and/or words evoke very very strong emotions - can be triggered emotions. Delaying the conversation is not always appropriate or possible. Being from a dysfunctional family with a narcissistic father, where a lot of unconstructive hurtful toxic unhelpful (destructive) criticism was given out (critisicm from a stance of perfectionism and superiority), I understand, why people (including me) might deny reality and be defensive. I have found that it really is necessary to first try to discern, whether the criticism is constructive or destructive. Also, I have found it is helpful to discern, whether the criticizor is a toxic/narcissistic person or a good enough person. From what I have noticed - the worst type of defensiveness is actually agressive retaliation - person B says something that person A doesnt like (facts, opinion about politician, personal preferance for vacation, constructive criticism, etc) , so person A verbally attacks person B (sarcasm, yelling, destructive critisicm, passive-agressively, etc.)....
Thank you for sharing! Excellent insight, and I appreciate you being here. ❤️
I like the idea of the future request. It almost doesnt even give the person next you time to react and get defensive because youre already focused on solving the issue at hand. It might not be as simple in real life but you understand my point
New here! Im a psychologist myself and your channel is a gem! What a find. Love the calmness in your voice and the pace at which you speak. I have shared your channel with my loved ones. Thank you for putting out this content for free
Welcome to my crew, MD, and thank you for the kind words ❤️
Listening is the bridge to intimacy, love it! Been looking for this. I have to start from the basics. I’ve been unable to have true intimacy for most my life. This helps so much, thank you!
I am so glad it's helpful to you!
I used to have an answer and an opinion or comment on everything before the other person was finished taking. I’ve learned to stop that in my 50’s and become more interested in asking many questions. But now I feel very lonely because I’ve noticed people just want to talk and they never ask me anything. It’s been very lonely but I’ve noticed a shift and a balance happening lately. I think it’s also about falling in love with yourself and you will become less reactive because you get more self confidence.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ I have a short video about how to navigate this situation here because it's unfortunately a common occurrence: ruclips.net/video/jPgCS4Dosqk/видео.html
I grew up in a home where that was my parents. Both very different personalities, but toxic traits the same. Mom way worse though. It is a debate every time, it is a waiting game to tell me how I am wrong. This brought out some angry feelings in me but not in a bad way. It’s confirmed trying to have dialogue with my parents might not ever be anything but a debate. I want to break the cycle. Thank you for this.
This is so eye opening…I’m always wanting to be right and it causes some friendships and other relationships to end,so I’m grateful for this , hopefully I’m able to work on this to improve my relationships
I'm so glad this resonated for you ❤️
My husband is a real one we both have our set childhood relearnings but we haven’t given up I struggle with this a lot and he needs to be heard because he didn’t get that as a child I was so used to spacing out it feels so good to finally have people be so open thank you sending love!
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Thank you!! This makes me realize how I communicate 💛
I'm so glad it was helpful for you ❤️
Thank you so much for taking the time to put this conversation and these tips out there. So incredibly valuable and left me with a lot to think about 🙏🏼
I am so glad to hear they were valuable for you 💕
Thankyou so much! I wasn’t aware that I was being defensive, my goal was to give reassurance but this video helped me realize I am doing the exact opposite of that. I want to work on my communication skills and listening skills to strengthen my relationship with the love of my life
It sounds like you're on your way ❤️
I LOVE YOU, Terri! You are SO good at explaining the hard to explain shenanigans of our inner landscape!
Thank you, Ruth ❤️❤️
Wonderful episode !!! I am guilty of interrupting a conversation …. LOVE to teach myself to become a much better listener and yes, it is so easy to go into defence mode. Great video. Am excited to learn much more 🙏❤️
So glad you liked it 💕
I have myself a very good woman but I'm so hurt on the inside that I tend to take it out on pur relationship, communication being one .. I'm sick and tired of myself , I want to make this work between my partner and I. Thank you for your help! God bless you
needed to hear this and acknowledge that my actions led to the loss of my relationship. embracing change and forgiving myself for not knowing better.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
Well thanks. I'm a man but I cried in the middle of this because I feel knowing listens within my family. It's confirming my thoughts that we shouldn't compete. I felt lost like what's wrong with me. Now I feel sad cuzz my family is so hurt. I will be soooooo much softer with my approach cuzz they are hurting only themselves now
I've been trying to be less defensive, I just got into an ugly fight with my husband over a loose pot handle (because I handle them to roughly) and I got very defensive. Thank you for this video.
I'm witnessing you with compassion. It's ok to be human and have a reaction. As we get more awareness we can start to choose different reactions. Thank you for being here and for investing in yourself!
2025
Thank you so much,Terri!
Damn . You've mastered the art of talking
This was so helpful to me. I have ruined my relationship with the best person on the planet because of my defensiveness & inability to communicate effectively. Thank you
I am witnessing you with compassion and holding space for you.
Very good training!
You’re such a graceful and thoughtful communicator. This is my first time seeing you in my life but this video is sufficient for me to subscribe.
Thank you for this.
That warms my heart to hear 💕 Welcome to my channel!
Why is there dislikes on this video? This is probably the best thing ever
I really love your video and advice. I love how you share it and teach it about being defensive and to prevent it. Ive just discovered your video and im now tryna take to heart how youve said what can be done to help us be better at communicating instead of being defensive all the time.
I'm so glad you enjoyed it 💕
My boyfriend always doubted me and accused me for cheating or whatsoever that is why I keep on defending myself without realizing that I am also invalidating his feelings. I even became silent whenever he speak to me, I have this fear of confrontation. Fear of being accused. Defending myself is the only last resort I could prove to them that they are wrong. But thank you so much for making this video, it is an eye opener for me. ❤️ I am your new subscriber. ❤️ Keep it up!!
Thank you so much for this! I always struggled how to translate these concepts into the actual conversations and your examples really helped with that!
I'm so glad to hear that! ❤️
I just have to first say how much gratitude I have for you and your videos that you put out. Thank you so much 🙏❤️🔥
these have been so helpful for me and figuring out my own defensiveness behaviors.
But secondly, I want to say just sorry I am that you had to learn this lesson from your boss in such a way.
Yea. It was probably extraordinarily formative for making the lesson stick. I’ll give you that.
But, while your boss was right, your responses to him were technically what were making you defensive, I would argue though that the way he made you learn this lesson is what made him a bad leader.
He missed an opportunity to not only teach you that lesson but do it while also making you feel heard about why you were doing what you did the way you did.
Who’s to say you didn’t know a better way?
Given a crisis scenario, sure, yes, 100%, that kind of “chit chat” (if you will) should be stowed, so that critical operational functions are carried out. (But if you were so new you shouldn’t have been put in such a crisis situation without first getting the proper on-boarding, vetting, or need to know anyway)
But on a run of the mill work day on a Tuesday at 8am… he missed out on not only giving you the opportunity to learn this lesson about your defensiveness and show you that he also still valued your thoughts and input (as well as show everyone around him that he still approached you with the belief that he had something to learn from you, even if he didn’t too),…
but he missed out on maybe even getting a better way to do what he ultimately wanted done potentially saving him or the company time and money (that he might be letting his ego get in the way of the organization benefiting from),
he missed an opportunity to make you feel confident about learning this new lesson and that you have space to make mistakes continuing to learn it, that if you do make mistakes you won’t be lashed back at (which could have potentially resulted in you needing to have to have the personal maturity to rightfully know to separate yourself to be able to collect yourself because the space you were in literally couldn’t have been a safe enough space for you to do that in if you felt you had to leave it to collect yourself in the first place. 🤷♂️)
he missed giving an opportunity for his other employees around to further chime in with additional support allowing you to not only feel in a safe space with your boss but also everyone in his leadership,
Which means he missed an opportunity to further organically weave a network of safety and security amongst all his staff that extends beyond his personal individual reach, relieving his employees individual mental stressors of everyones constantly relearned mind numbing lesson of “mommy and daddy aren’t going to save me this time…” BUT while also not leaving you to handle the trauma alone BECAUSE “bother, sister, friend, colleague, secretary, manager, boss’s boss, heck even office cubical neighbor… is there, willing and at the ready to help support you if you need it.”
And most importantly he missed an opportunity to help you learn how to do that for the person right behind you coming in in case he wasn’t their to provide the safe space for them to learn that lesson in no less, not having to micromanage his safe spaces amongst his people while also not having to micromanage his office work spaces.
Though, I wouldn’t be sitting here having learned how much those opportunities were missed had the two of you not carried out the multigenerational alchemy of living that all out, documenting it and then sharing it for anyone to see. 🙏❤️🔥
Again, thank you for giving me that safe space to have learned this lesson in that you were not offered to learn it in. 🙇♂️
It will forever make me a better human. 🙏🥹
My husband and I will watch this together.
Right on!!
Great talk! We forgot how to listen to each other.
This was amazing. I have to unlearn my behavior of defensiveness. Thank you
You're so welcome ❤️
Awesome video. I’ve finally embodied the non-defensive behaviors and have begun to be more of an active listener with my partner. I did get defensive in my words the other night though, but while being completely calm. She had to point out to me that the calm defensiveness felt unsafe. I don’t fully understand why explaining/clarifying myself is harmful, but I imagine I probably hadn’t validated her experience enough first. This video reminded me that I probably wasn’t listening as well as I should have. Those subtle defenses are much trickier than the obvious ones!
Thank you for sharing!
Outstanding presentation thank you. I need this.
I always wondered why I was getting triggered around debaters! I am a dialogue person... I dont want to go there! Its as simple as that. Thank you so much
What about helping overly defensive people who would seek to defend themselves and hurt your feelings deeply every time you try to communicate with them? They turn every conversation into a debate, even though your intent was about communication. I once told them that I was deeply hurt by their defensiveness and their inability to listen. That person asked me to admit that they have hurt them (which is what they intend to do) and they simply brushed me off by laughing loudly at my vulnerability in my face. It has happened many times, repeatedly for many years. She would even take out her anger and frustration at me (especially after work) Out of self-love and self-respect, I have decided to move on and remove her from my life trusting that there are people out there capable of healthy communication and reliable relationships. I would say, you cannot change someone unless they are willing to change themselves.
I have this same situation with my husband. I have issues also, but I do try to work on it. I just feel like we can never move forward.
You're not alone. I had to remove myself from family members. I still see them, but I don't engage with them. I just maintain a very diplomatic relationship with them. As soon as I see that it can get problematic, I take my distance. There's no other way. People like that, not always chage.
It can be hard to recognize when someone is misunderstanding on purpose. Narcissists and toxic people do that kind of thing a lot, and it can shade your perception on other interactions.
Thank you for this I feel like my relationship is falling apart because of my defensive actions and my listening skills I interrupt her I don’t listen when she asked me to do basic things most of all I make her feel like she can’t come to me for anything because I will make a fight out of it and I hate that I just wanna be there for her and be better but I feel like I mess up every time never have the right thing to say but I will work on taking my time before I speak to ensure that I don’t upset and make sure I don’t take everything to heart like I’m getting attacked
I think it's okay to be open with her and say something like, "Hey, I am working on being less defensive. When we get into conflict, I worry I will say the right thing and I shut down as a result. To help us have more constructive conflict, I'd like to take more time to thoughtfully respond, this way I don't become as defensive or frozen." This shows you're willing to try your best for the relationship. It also reframes it as you and her against the problem and not you and her against each other. 💕
Terri ....you are an absolute BOSS ...💪🏼 at what you do and your detail description of not being defensive.... You were made to help people. Thank You so much ..🙏.. I will definitely share with others these words of wisdom ....
So glad to hear that it resonated for you. Thank you for being here!
Brilliant! I am learning so much from you! My husband and I are BOTH defensive…a lot of love, but tough communication. Now I am aware of dialogue vs debate. Thank you so much for this…I am so looking forward to more videos on this topic…❤️
You're so welcome, Linda! I have another vid coming out tomorrow on effective communication during conflict ❤
Omg .. I applied what u said about the constructive dialog at the end of the video on an argument that happened between me and my husband today, where I did exactly the opposite of your recommendations, and it almost ended up with a fight 😅 I just told him about what I learned from you .. he said: please, keep learning 😁😁😁 thank you for all the great tips, I have writen them all
Hi Terri, This is your first video I watched today and I simply loved the way you have explained the topic. Being defensive is such a deep rooted thing and you touched this topic in such an effective way that it really made me aware of the reason why I was struggling in my relationships. Thank you so so much Terri. 🙏
I am so glad it resonated with you ❤️❤️
Changing my life all the time, thank you so much for the functional relating skills!!
Glad to hear it!!!
Thank you, you rock!
Absolutely love this episode!! Hit home 💯.
So glad you loved it ❤️
Thank you, I realize I am going to need to work on this.
You're so welcome!
Your channel is exactly what I needed. A huuuge thanks to you!
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Wow! This is the first time Ive come across your page and I am thoroughly enjoying your content! Thank you for sharing the treasure of your experience with us!
I'm so glad you enjoyed this video and thank you for watching! ❤️
Thank you Terri, I’m going to use these tips❤ I’m really struggling with being defensive.
Yes 3 years later from when you posted this video but you definitely opened my eyes even more! been trying to be a better listener/partner for my relationship cause I’ve definitely been defensive alot more lately than usual! Just want everything perfect but I have to realize/remember I’m a homo sapient, in due time with work this consciousness’s ego will evolve to greater lengths ! Thanks !! 🖤
You're so welcome 💕
Really brilliant. Thank you!
You're welcome!
Thank you for the way you gently delivered this message!
❤️❤️
Thank you, Teri🥰🌺
Thank you, this has truly affected me most of my life until and still struggling at times. My willingness to see how relationships thrive or dissolve has always been intriguing. Yet, putting into practice with others, I believe the other counterpart often stokes the embers .. like when e Eckhart speaks on the “ pain body “ unraveling takes practice. I’m an introvert so my subjects are few and far between.
Mindfulness helps, with breathing, pausing and yes. Really listening.
Thank you. No desire to win.
Thanks for sharing and watching ❤️
@@terri_cole thank you for your incredible work.
too sweet! God bless and thank you for this video.
You're welcome!
I liked this video on the strength of the title alone. 😌
Terri, thank you for presenting such great and important topics in an approachable and applicable way. I really enjoy your honesty in sharing personal examples as it makes the concepts concrete and I can see how this applies in my own life. Please continue to do what you're doing as I am certainly learning a lot and you are making a positive impact in my life! Thank you and all the very best to you. :)
Thank you so much for your kind words.