How to listen like a therapist: 4 secret skills
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- Опубликовано: 30 май 2024
- Improve your relationships by learning the 4 secret skills that therapists use every day.
Timestamps:
0:00 - Introduction to active listening skills
1:22 - Reflect back what you hear
3:08 - Ask “What is this like for you?”
5:23 - Validation
8:04 - Understand ambivalence (motivational interviewing)
10:39 - When to do these skills and why they are hard
11:15 - Therapist secrets playlist: • Behind the scenes of t...
11:34 - Get comfortable being uncomfortable weekly challenge & comment of the week
13:27 - Additional video resources
- How to deal with emotions in a healthy way: • How to deal with emoti...
- How to overcome anxiety with exposure: • How To Start Overcomin...
13:35 - My Get comfortable being uncomfortable goal
14:49 - Thank you for an awesome 2019!
Want to talk to Dr. Ali Mattu? Join the call in show by filling out this form: docs.google.com/forms/d/1zsWc...
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Learn more:
* 10 Steps To Effective Listening: www.forbes.com/sites/womensme...
* Free course in motivational interviewing: healtheknowledge.org/course/i...
* Motivational interviewing forms: www.nova.edu/gsc/forms/gsc-fo...
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THE PSYCH SHOW! Creating mental health videos that educate, entertain, and empower! Produced, written, and edited by clinical psychologist Ali Mattu, Ph.D. All videos are provided for informational purposes only and do not constitute clinical advice.
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01:21 🎯 Therapist's secret skill #1: Reflect back what the other person is saying to show you're listening, increase empathy, and clarify understanding.
03:20 🧠 Instead of asking "How does that make you feel?" ask how the person is experiencing the situation to better understand their emotions and thoughts.
05:33 🌟 Practice validation to help the person understand that their feelings and experiences are valid, regardless of whether they make sense to you.
07:06 🤔 Understand ambivalence: Recognize when someone is torn between wanting to make a change and facing barriers. Ask what benefits they find in their current situation.
Thank you so much ❤❤❤❤
I know some therapists who frequently validate pretty much anything people say, I always feel "handled" it's an obvious technique and it makes them so much harder to trust or relate to
I'm a therapist, and I HATE the "and how does that make you feel" too. I believe it is a limiting question which doesn't actually allow the client to talk about their full experience. "What was/is that like for you?" is open to any answer when we can then work with and narrow down in whichever direction the client needs to take it. And ... I'm loving your videos! :)
100% agree!!! Thanks for taking the time to comment. Hope you are staying safe and healthy during this time.
My counselor keep asking me that. And i dont know what to say
Yes, that saying is so Cliche, ugh. I avoid it as well.
same!!!!! Absolutely cannot stand "how does that make you feel"
I'm a therapist and I agree. I rank it up there with "I understand". Not my favorite phrase lol
Not only are you an awesome psychologist, you're also very engaging and FUN to listen to. I hope to be a clinical psychologist like you!
Awww thank you!!!!
Ambivalence "talked" to my heart 🤣
Great video!!
Me too! I want to be a clinical psychologist too 💕
I do this all the time with toddlers and little kids (in a very kind, empathic tone). This is why they adore me. I'm not special, I simply listen, validate their feelings, and sometimes I ask them if they can do something else next time, if its appropriate to the situation and they need redirection.
Especially important for children that age to be heard and validated in their feelings - so love that and it's so lovely to hear.
Kids love to be treated like that and heard and it helps them learn early too x
Some people do see validation as approval, and some people don't want to work through their experiences, but rather voice them over and over again to seek more validation
Some therapists also create this dynamic because they aren’t well trained. A good therapist will quickly get past the validations and into the healing and growth.
This right here. Had a friend who always painted herself as a victim to anyone who would listen. But the minute anyone try to dig deeper into her narrative, she would shut down the conversation and go complain to someone else who didn’t realize she was making up 80% of her stories
And such people are so exceedingly tiresome.
@@Lennythewinner AMEN TO THAT!
This helped me understand my therapists intentions from their actions. When they clarify, I felt hurt that they compressed my issues into a couple of sentences as if it’s not that big. But now knowing it’s coming from a place of listening and meaning of understanding, I don’t feel angry anymore lol
Cool, love freedom from even a pain filled MISUNDERSTANDING.
This is an important thing for therapists to understand. I think I would feel this way too.
Maybe voice your interpretations with your therapist
" get comfortable being uncomfortable =
"Consistent with your values.. " 😃
GREAT EXPLAINING!!
This is honestly in my top 3 most important videos I have seen in my life. I have watched it like 20 times now because it made me realize how bad of a listener I was and could never make other person I was talking with comfortable. Thank you so much.
what are the other 2?
@@user-zu7xk9ki6f Other one is regarding diet. Especially how bad carbs are for your body. It is from Dr Eric Berg
@@michals2351 thank you!
I adopted this into my sales interactions. It works for me when dealing with Lost Accounts and frustrated customers.
It works better in hospitality industry
Timestamps:
0:10 - Introduction to active listening skills
1:22 - Reflect back what you hear
3:08 - Ask “What is this like for you?”
5:23 - Validation
8:04 - Understand ambivalence (motivational interviewing)
10:39 - When to do these skills and why they are hard
11:15 - Therapist secrets playlist: ruclips.net/p/PLItaCgXIQkHefVtJ4xObrbLipU5dds0ae
11:34 - Get comfortable being uncomfortable weekly challenge & comment of the week
13:27 - Additional video resources
- How to deal with emotions in a healthy way: ruclips.net/video/_PxY-SPGl4w/видео.html
- How to overcome anxiety with exposure: ruclips.net/video/D0pxEmdHlqs/видео.html
13:35 - My Get comfortable being uncomfortable goal
14:49 - Thank you for an awesome 2019!
Yeah, that looks like a topic list for future videos. Each of these is worth unpacking on its own.
+Bob Cunningham that’s a great point! Each one could be a separate video.
@@drali There is so much depth here to explore, yet many of us need skills we can apply today. I have no idea how you will strike that balance, but I'm here for the duration. It's like I want the "tricks" that will help me "get by" now, while simultaneously wanting the deeper knowledge that will help me understand what's "really" going on for the long haul.
@@bobcunningham6953 same
I really enjoyed this video. Are there any awesome books you'd recommend for a beginning therapist in training stage?
My counselor (therapist) doesn't seem to care ,it's a job ,employment, so to speak. Doesn't let me finish the questions he asks.
I feel like a piece of me dies every time after seeing him.
Thank God for my psychiatrist.
You need another therapist 😮
That's my question. Is it possible for you to get a different therapist? You're worth it.
@aceofspace99 thank you for saying that's because after talking to him, I don't feel worth.
It is VERY important.
Why are you still seeing him? There doesn’t seem to be any benefit to you, just harm. ☹️ it would be therapeutic for you to leave 🌷I wish you the best
I'm getting my ph.d. in clinical psycology, these will be soooo useful for me in the future. Thank you so much!!!
Melissa Silenzio from which uni?? I am planning to do masters in clinical psychology and then phd in the same.
Same, currently feel like I'm struggling in first sessions technique because I'm overthinking too much.
I've just past a pychotherapy exam at 63 years old. I feel like I'm too old, my only regret is that I wished I did this years ago because I would love to be as good and confident as you and to help so many people. Thank you for all of your great advice 👍 I'm continuing learning as much as I can because I'm loving it 😀
That's great Susan! I'm right behind you at 54 years old and getting my Master's in counseling. Your life experiences will add a TON as a therapist.
@@bryanferguson4927 congratulations for achieving your maters degree, I'm so very happy for you, and a bit jealous 😀
I think it good people like you that keeps the word going
Well done Susan, I have similar concerns about being ‘too old’. I’m a university undergrad doing a major in psychology. I have an honours year after I finish my degree before I can even begin a masters program. I’ll be 55 by the time I have finished!
@@JoBrew You're brave and you can do it. I'll be finished with my master's at 56. I placed a large sign on the wall, above my computer, when I finally decided to go back to school and follow my dream. It reads, "WHATEVER IT TAKES..."
Student loan debt after 50 is a nightmare scenario.....as is the reality you'll pay on it for the rest of your life 🙄
It’s so true that what you thought was important as a therapist was not an important aspect for the patient. As a patient I’ve experienced that, so it definitely is great when they reflect back, because we all have our schemas and tend to interpret events through those. ♥️
Thanks for sharing this perspective! Good to hear it’s true on both ends 🙌🏽
I’m a listener and I love listening to people a lot of people are very smart and already know what they need to do I love to validate them and make them understand that they’re on the right path listening is so helpful a lot of us just have so much in our head but once talking it out you begin to analyze and put pieces together 😊 I’m also an empath so I think this plays a huge part in it I hate seeing people sad or down we are not here to be anxious but here to just live our life and overcome our obstacles
"What's going on in your body? " instead of "how do you feel?". Brilliant. I've just finished a long chunk of therapy and this approach is so much more useful. For me, it gets me out of my head and gives way more information.
I used to volunteer at a crisis hotline, and this was the exact training I was provided while working there. It works beautifully, but I've always struggled to apply this in my personal life
I’ll help you out with in, my sister
I’m a grad student and just found this guy. He’s a likeable RUclipsr and seems like a great communicator. I just subscribed and I’ll be using his channel as an additional resource - I’m currently taking Techniques class and start my practicum in January so I’m trying to absorb and practice some of these skills he’s talking about
What you didn't mention in this video is you used your voice tone beautifully and I'm sure it must help a lot when you meet with the patients. Thank you sir.
the “validation” piece is interesting-i think you need to be careful with that one. you don’t want to be the one ALWAYS validating them or they won’t learn how to have confidence in their own experiences. Exceptions I can think of are people who have experienced abuse/trauma and don’t trust their own feelings, and teens/kids who don’t have an understanding of “normal” or “appropriate” reactions.
Have you ever cried during a session listening to someone's situation? If so, how do you control yourself in that moment?
Personally, I actually allow myself to cry along with the other person -- I find that mirroring their feelings and validating their experience is an INCREDIBLY powerful tool if used properly. I never force tears, though -- they have to come genuinely -- and with practice have become able to remain present and grounded enough not to let my own emotions run away with me and steal the other person's thunder. Crying is incredibly cathartic and I wish there wasn't so much shame around it! Some of my own favorite therapists have allowed themselves to shed tears in the room with me. I'm an executive/business coach myself, not a therapist, so am curious what Dr Mattu has to say on this subject.
@@the.punkmonk love this, I've had my therapist cry while I was speaking and honestly made me feel like they were really listening, empathetic, and like I shouldn't continue to suppress emotions.
I'm also curious about this response. Personally, I remember being in session with a new therapist who started crying while I worked through the grief of losing my father. Seeing her cry was the most distracting thing for me and instead of being able to remain fully in emotions and process, I found myself trying to console her and deal with her response. Long story short, I thought it was best to find a different therapist.
@@naturallyours21 so, there are different levels of crying. I will allow myself to empathize with my clients and let my eyes get moist or a year or two to fall. But I *always* hold the stronger frame and keep the spotlight squarely on them. My function is to help them co-regulate, and not steal their thunder. If your therapist was taking over the room with their feelings, sounds totally right that you went looking for someone else. (It took me a long while to find a therapist that meet my high standards too, and it's been totally worth it!)
@@the.punkmonk I hear you and agree that it can be a useful approach to supporting some people. This example was my first experience working with a therapist. I am an empath and I'm very sensitive when it comes to the emotions of other people. Knowing the kind of support I needed, this particular person wasn't the best fit for me, but I was able to find a different therapist who was able to hold space for me in the way that I needed.
I’m a therapist for a year and a half now and it comes naturally:)
💯! Once you’ve been doing it for awhile it feels as natural as walking.
The Psych Show thank you. Everyday is a learning experience. I enjoy your videos! I am currently pre-license and I enjoy learning from other therapist who have amazing information, not only for newbies but for the public in general. Keep up the good work !
Thank YOU so much for your encouragement and kind words! Any type of videos you’d like to see in the future? Good luck on your journey. Hope you get a good self care break over the next two weeks.
What kind of approach do you use ?
My specialty is anxiety and I’m trained as a cognitive behavioral therapist (emphasis on the behavioral).
I’m just going to say that if you’re watching this video you’re a really good person. 💛
Yeah? Well if you're making random comments like that, then you're a really good person too! ❤
@@KFCJones 😅🤣😂😆
If you are responding to this comment, you are like rays of sunshine emanating from the life giving star that you are. ✨
I'm a licensed therapist and I really love your videos! I'm a big believer in practicing nthe fundamentals to avoid the "expert mind" and your video really helps me remember some of the most powerful basic tools we can utilize to connect with and understand our clients!
Thanks!!
Im a first year psychology student and these videos are not only motivational but full of useful information that we can learn from. Please don’t stop posting such amazing content.
Hi, it's been 2 years since you commented this, but I wanted to ask (if it's okay with you) how is it going with your studies?
@@izabelarzodkiewicz2839 Hi, I’m still a second year student and its going really well because I’m passionate about it :)
I am personally in high school but have friends who have a lot of mental stuff. I try to help and I am trying to give the best amount of help I could with my knowledge
Is Validation the oposite of Gaslighting ?
This video has been on my feed for a number of years and I've ignored until today, validating, thanks
I will practice. I will reflect back to the other person. Reflect what they said. No interruptions. Empathy and understanding. Am I hearing you right? To know what you are experiencing. You have to care to become a shared understanding - notes I took from your video. What's life like for you?
Is this the general norm for everyone. Probably. we all suffer like this - wow - that's great to understand that now.
Early in my relationship with my late wife (30 years together) she was telling me something her husband said to her and I asked, “how did that make you feel?” She said crying. I didn’t understand why. She told me, “that’s the first time a man ever asked me what I feel about anything.” I was shocked. It seemed that a natural obvious question to me.
I would suggest the question is different in the context of a therapy session than it is in a personal conversation between two people who have a bond as friends or lovers.
Skill Number One: Reflecting Back!
- This happened to you and you experienced this you did this as a result, Does that sound right?
- When you reflect back then you realize how you missed the important details
- Everything is built upon this skill?
Skill Number Two: What is this like for you?
- People are feeling so many different things that they don’t know what they are feeling
- People have hard time putting words to emotions
- How are they experiencing this; what’s going on in your body? What was popping on in your head?
- One person really feels bummed or sad while other feels like hitting something or breaking something
- As you were describing this, how are you feeling this in your body?
Skill Number Three: Validation
- Always validate other persons emotion, if they make sense to you
- If I had been going through all of this, I would have been feeling this too!
- It makes so much sense you are upset about this x, y & z happened
- It’s not supporting or approving, you’re saying you get it and I might have done the same
Skill Number Four: Ambivalance
- Ambivelence is how much torn you are in changing your decision?
- What are the things you enjoy about this?
- How is this activity/habit helping you?
- What are the things you dislike about this?
- How willing you are to change this activity from 0 to 10
- What made you think so?
More therapists need to watch this video than you know.
Always good to have a refresher on these topics
@@drali Dr. Ali out here jukin’ and jivin’ like you don’t know what he really meant 😂
Honestly - I gave up on therapists lately - its just a waste of time and money - I am my own therapist now - just help myself now.
@@claudiaschneider5744 Then why are you watching one?
This doctor is so informative and I enjoy learning from him.
Thank you,
Soon to be: Dr. Tirrick Obadiah Smith
Smth that’s so great about this video is that you can use this in relationship with yourself as well. I have a BAD habit (based in trauma) to invalidate my own experiences and feelings sm. Recently I saw my need for validation from myself and acted on that, and so experienced sm relief
Very helpful! Thank you! My boyfriend is struggling with a drug addiction, I’m trying to help but it’s really hard to communicate openly and it’s really hard for me to understand his struggles.. He wants to overcome it but it’s a process..
I hope you had resolve. I think the problem is not that you need to listen. Someone on drugs (with variances due to drug) will not know the difference with such altered brain chemicals.
I am 4 years late into discovering your platform (Sunday, May 19th 2024)
Another interesting channel alongside Orion Taraban, Psy.D (Psychacks) Ramani Durvasula (Doctor Ramani) and Kenny Weiss.
Will definitely delve into your backlog/ library of posts, sir.
Happy Sunday from London, UK.
I work as a Therapist, and while I understand the intention of this video is to make people more aware about listening skills - I feel that these tips are more for the role of a therapist than a friend / acquaintance. If I were to have a discussion with a friend and they ask me "where do you feel that in your body" that does not make any sense. Let relationships be relationships without having the need to "therapize" them.
I recognize this approach as a great method for self inquiry. It could push me past the pat self-recrimination into layers that could lead to self-understanding and untangling root causes. Great stuff
You got Hank Green energy.
I _love_ how you relate the example statements/questions with their functions. At least 10 times through this video I had excited thought--"that way of communicating that is so perfect!"
and naturally I have to write them all down and try practicing them now.
Trying the same. Its difficult to write while he is talking, I wish there was a script. This is so helpful. I am doing counselling and psychotherapy and I am finding this video so helpful. I want to capture each and every word..incredible.
im in school for psychology. really love ur videos/ please never get discouraged and stop because you are helping people out here alot.
Classic motivational interviewing! Love the way you presented it!
Absolutely incredible information, spoken slowly, while keeping a great tempo to keep my brain stimulated with wanting to hear more. As a student in Psychology finding this was exactly what I was looking for on YT. Thank you!
This stuff is gold !
As always very helpful, thank you for that video.
I just stumbled across your videos and they're GREAT! So helpful, engaging, detailed and thoughtfully made. As a coach (who helps camera-shy people find the courage to get on screen, actually!) I've been told I'm an empathetic, non-judgmental listener and I'm always looking to get better and more intentional with my skills. But the skills you describe are also so valuable in personal relationships. Thanks for putting yourself out there, Ali!
I want to be a clinical psychologist in the future and you inspire me so much :)
Excellent video, clear and concise. Thanks.
Wow, thank you for sharing so much knowledge!
Thanks! Pure gold and so helpful.....
This was so helpful. Thank you.
Thank you for making this video!
Great video! Thank you for sharing the knowledge
Wonderful advice!!
Can you explain how to facilitate a therapy support weekly group?
You’re awesome, Dr. Ali. Thanks for sharing.
Brilliant.
Wow I’m so glad I found this content. I appreciate your insight! ❤Thank you!! 😊
There goes me not listening, but day dreaming of me listening as a future counselor 😢🥺 help lol. But I agree with all that you have said, very informative, relatable, and extremely helpful.
To a degree the daydreaming is your brain trying to rehearse what you would do in the situation and compare it to what you want to do. Right?
So, if you're just talking about the video pause it for a second, and if you're with a patient, make a personal note to consider the issue later on your own time.
If the daydreaming keeps going get an evaluation or two.
Thank you!
Thank you! This was extremely helpful
I've come to do most of these naturally - I do also do the other things such as interripting, giving advice, leading the conversation on the basis of a misunderstanding because I didn't reflect back, or spiraling into talking about myself. But - I do most of the things you said here! And it makes me very happy because I value these things a lot.
I especially like asking extra questions, reflecting back and validating. I looove to tell people what exactly I find so understandable and what exactly I find is perfectly ok, even good, even important and healthy. And tell them what I find not ok but why I think it's understandable they did it. I do also like giving advice but in the form of questions. "Do you think doing ____ would help?" "Why not?"
I can say a lot more on the contents of the video but I'll stop here!
This is the first video of you I watch and I have a feeling this chanel will be a gem.
Also, I'm only since recently open to doing therapy. And to understand what therapists are even doing will be a huge help for me! I'm not the type of person who does well just trusting the process and following the guidelines. Because I don't understand it correctly. I see many possible options where others see one or two. So I have to understand things in more depth than regular people seem to need in order to be decently functional.
Two birds with one stone: I'll be able to be more helpful to my friends AND prepare for therapy!
Heck yeah! Thanks Doc for this video!!
Thank you for your valuable advice, delivered in a friendly fashion!
Thank you Dr.
I appreciate your advice.
This is a great refresher for me and a brilliant introduction. Really hope things are going well for you back in California and that you are all set up for next year.
Awesome! Thank you so much! I REALLY needed this video to help me be a better listener! I like how you broke down each skill.🙏❤
Thanks for your teaching
I learned, thank you
Thank you Doctor. This is good ~clear~ instructions.
This video was so helpful! Thank you
Excellent stuff, thanks for sharing.
Super helpful and insightful!
love this so great
THANK YOU for the video & content!! 👏👏👏
This is a deep video. I have been on and off using these skills related to counseling and it allows for real and deep conversations with peers. The difficulty I face is when people start with their advices (like try out these things...) and it confuses me about how to respond then. I've adopted being assertive and it turns out to be helpful and an easy fix, but doesn't guarantee with the same amount of rapport with people in the long term.
What could be another option to break from hearing advices.
Thank you so much for all the content you've shared till now Dr. Ali. It adds on to the textbook knowledge and broadens my understanding.
I think another thing that's really undervalued is simply asking the other person what they're looking for.
Sometimes they won't know, but a lot of the time, people will respond with answers like "I think I just want to complain." or "It would be nice to just be listened to, you know?".
To me, it feels more eye-to-eye than what's described in the video and even if you want to do what's described in the video, it won't hurt to know that's actually what you should do.
Okay, definitely need to watch this video! Thank you!
Almost three years later and this video was still very relevant and helpful!! Thank you!
These are the important skills needed for ever lasting relationships. Very well explained.
thank you
Thank you. I need to practice my listening skill.
🙏🙏🙏thank you so much! My tutor never told me this in such an effective way.
Love it!
I need to ask myself these questions. Thank you❤
Super insightful and very helpful.
Thank you for your outstanding videos!!! I look forward to listening to more in 2020. In the meantime, I will attempt to finish watching the rest of your videos on your channel.
Thanks for sharing
Thank you 😭
Wow, thank you for sharing these wonderful tips. Just listening to you explain these skills plus my writing them all down....I'm sure will help me the next time I find myself listening to someone and wondering how to help!
Thank you Dr. you’ve helped me so much before a role play session for counselling.
Thank you for shating your expertise - I felt a bit tired but forceed myself to listen because you are so engaging. I am inspired. Thanks again.
Merry Christmas everyone, have a wonderful day :)
Thank you for all the work you have done this year Dr. Ali Mattu.
The best video I've ever seen so far.
Thank you so much for this! I am really getting into psychology and this rlly helps me be able to help my friends and family.
Thank you, thank you!! I work in community health and this is super helpful and applicable. Subscribed!
thank you so much! it really helped me with psychology
I love your channel. Thank you for sharing.
This is a really informative and helpful video! You are great at explaining it. I found after reflection that I thought I was a pretty good listener, but after this I realize I'm not as great at listening as I thought I was at all and that there was indeed much room for improvement. I want to be able to be better to those around me-- even though I already think I'm pretty good to them.