Let me know: which communication style seems to fit your own? Where do you have trouble with effective communication? Remember to download the guide for the effective vs. ineffective communication chart + for scripts: www.terricole.com/effective-communication-101-guide
Thxs for the guide Terri! 💜 I have trouble checking in, ie asking for clarity ie “Do you mean that you don’t want to blah blah?” It feels counter intuitive to me to ask: the conditioning: don’t ask, keep the peace, don’t say anything that will cause another to feel uncomfortable. Which means I get to carry the discomfort.😝It goes so deep. The unpacking of the beliefs, programming, ways of being will take my remaining years I feel.😍🌟💫🙏🏽
Your new book - Too Much - gave me the actual script and wording to stand up to a bully in a social situation. It worked! She is leaving me alone now. Sadly, there won’t be a friendship, but I won’t be wasting my time and energy on an unhealthy person. Your script helped me flush out the truth of who she was so I can hold that space open for a healthier friendship. Thank you so much Terri!
I just want to say, My boyfriend and I come from very broken homes and both from very unhealthy relationship dynamics. we wernt really shown how to do any of this right, and have more often then not, leaned into our unhealthy behaviors in past relationships. We are both pulling boulders and really working hard to make sure that we don't harm ourselves or each other In this relationship. And your channel is the first channel where I don't feel like I'm being sold fluff. I can genuinely apply the things you talk about, and i have been talking about what i learn with him and its helped so much with our communication and our security with each other. I'm really thankful for your work. And I hope one day soon I have the privilege of reading one of your books. Thank you for your work
You're so welcome ❤️ I'm so glad to hear it's helpful and easy to apply! And I am cheering you on in your dedication to learning new skills to strengthen your relationship. ❤️
Hello Terry Cole! Communication is an art that anyone can master, if their taught. I was taught on a high level. You have a good & bubbly & serious side of you, because of your profession, that is good for your viewers! I have dealt with many therapists because of my special needs daughter
All 3 resonate with me..recently wrote my 'clear and kind' boundary letter to my sd, my counselor said she could frame my letter for a 'boundary 101' class..I have to thank you, Terri, your books and videos gave me the clarity & courage to finally put closure to this very painful dynamic I've been involved in.
I grew up not understanding emotions, thus all my relationships suffered. I shut down completely. I'm rebuilding my life all over again. Thank you for your information.
Hi I am from India.. I reached this video after lot of scrolling.. You way of explaining is very conversational and very easy to relate to.. Thanks.. very helpful tips
You are so right on about all the ineffective ways of communicating and I would hasten to add that these tactics and forms of ineffective communication were even at times done intentionally to Gaslight people to take out aggression against people where the gas lighter previously did not respond the way they really wanted to and instead had to try to express their anger healthy anger even in passive-aggressive ways probably as a child they have not expressed their anger in a healthy way and instead they express it in an unhealthy way in an abusive deceptive way where they can get out their anger and they think it's hidden but really it is extremely destructive and open to the eyes of everyone who can clearly see their manipulative tactics. The sad thing is if these people would just come out of the closet and State what they want and be open and be clear without being ugly because they've hidden and held back all of their own frustrations without openly expressing them if they would just Express what's on their plate and in their heart and emotions at the moment these experiences happen they would not build up all this unhealthy anger and then abuse other people with it all of these unhealthy and ineffective tactics of communication especially when done intentionally and maliciously against someone they claim to love cause the person doing these behaviors to be toxic and then having that root of bitterness it pollutes and poisons many people because they become Trapped By Their Own behaviors and habits their ways which are not the ways of God or healthiness and so they destroy every relationship they get in. Ultimately this reinforces their underlying belief that they are not lovable because their toxicity drives away anyone who comes near them to love them because of the hurt they see inside the person who is expressing all this hatred bitterness anger and rage but all of it is being done supposedly covertly I found the only thing I could do was exit the relationship after sharing with them all the ways that they were malicious in their behavior and essentially apologizing for my healthy reaction of anger to what they did and of course they blamed the end of the relationship on my anger when really the fact that they were doing all these behaviors to me every single thing you listed every single thing you've listed was done to me and so what was my healthy response? The only healthy response for me was to leave because they would not repent even after I gave them Bible verses and tried with all my heart to work with them but ultimately they had a goal of undermining and ruining the relationship so what could I do except for let them win so so thank you so much for breaking it down it has really Set Me Free from false guilt of thinking that I did not do enough and I realize I had been telling this person from day one all these things but they would not stop
No, (around my spouse) I am interrupted and stop talking. What I have learned is what I have to say isn't worth hearing. I am ignored in person and text. Yet I answer their texts right away and take orders. The priest I had that recommended my therapist told me before he left to keep talking to my adult children. He said they do hear me. I think they are seeing I am differentiating. They were seeing me as an extension of my husband (because they don'tsee him as an extension of me), as if I believed all he believed. I honestly don't know how therapy will go but I don't think there will be real communication prior.
Thank you for the video Terri, it is really insightful. I have given it some thought and I am requesting for your input on it. I think effective communication occurs when the intended purpose is achieved. I say so because we can be both direct and indirect in our communication. We may aim at playfully tease or joke, or being indirect because of the high risks at stake if one is direct because the other person is low on emotional intelligence or doesn’t focus on inner work. Thank you.
I think that’s insightful! It’s also important that effective communication includes loving words and intentional choices. Meaning, it’s not just about the outcome (that the intended purpose is achieved), but also how you get there. 💕
Can you please clarify that? I'm asking because someone stating how they feel is how they feel. What is "completely opposite"? Is the argument about how someone should feel about something, or is it about someone misinterpreting what the other person is saying and refusing to listen? Just want to make sure I can answer you accurately!
@ misinterpretation of how the other person feels. And also a big one I encounter is saying how I feel due to the actions of someone and the person(s) telling me that I shouldn’t feel that way because that’s not what they are doing. Or when they redirect the conversation and say what they are going through.
Got it, thank you for clarifying! This sounds like emotional invalidation, which I did a video on here: ruclips.net/video/QdzSgcXNIoQ/видео.html We all have a right to how we feel. You can try setting a boundary and request that they simply listen with a compassionate ear. It also helps to figure out who the emotionally trustworthy folks in our lives are- they're the ones who are willing to be with us in our feelings rather than make us wrong for them. On the topic of someone saying you "shouldn't feel that way because that's not what they're doing," I also have a video here: ruclips.net/video/34K1P2x3Tjg/видео.html It's about abuse enablers (making excuses for abusers), and there's a part 2 with some scripts that may be useful, too. ❤️
I have a family member that when they very seldomly plan to see us, they say “I can’t stay long”. Normally I wouldn’t care but they have time for other things and they just say it to us and it makes me feel like there is no value to our time together. How can I communicate that kindly?
Try to discuss it with them by only focusing on how this has impacted you and your relationship with them while remaining curious about what might be happening for them. Share something like, “I’ve noticed that you aren’t able to spend a lot of time with us and I have felt less valued as a result. Is something going on in our relationship that has made you want to pull away? Is there something we can do together to improve our relationship?”
terri cole you are absolutely wonderful I'm a stroke survivor and get put in akward conversations about my stroke and worst are questions that insinuate that it's somehow karma or O deserved physical🙏🏽🤦🏽♂️🥲my disability and p
Thank you Terry Cole for your interesting topic. When you love someone you learn how to communicate well with them. If you are loved by them, they “should “ understand you. Am I right? 🙏💐🎁😁🤩🙌🫶🏻💋🦉🍵💜❤️🕊️😇🦉
Communication is a skill we can learn and if both people are committed to it, then that certainly makes it easier to understand each other. But it's up to us to communicate our preferences, desires, limits, and deal breakers clearly. We shouldn't expect others to just 'know' what we want or what we're thinking. Hope that clarifies 💕
Let me know: which communication style seems to fit your own? Where do you have trouble with effective communication? Remember to download the guide for the effective vs. ineffective communication chart + for scripts: www.terricole.com/effective-communication-101-guide
Thxs for the guide Terri! 💜 I have trouble checking in, ie asking for clarity ie “Do you mean that you don’t want to blah blah?” It feels counter intuitive to me to ask: the conditioning: don’t ask, keep the peace, don’t say anything that will cause another to feel uncomfortable. Which means I get to carry the discomfort.😝It goes so deep. The unpacking of the beliefs, programming, ways of being will take my remaining years I feel.😍🌟💫🙏🏽
Your new book - Too Much - gave me the actual script and wording to stand up to a bully in a social situation. It worked! She is leaving me alone now. Sadly, there won’t be a friendship, but I won’t be wasting my time and energy on an unhealthy person. Your script helped me flush out the truth of who she was so I can hold that space open for a healthier friendship. Thank you so much Terri!
This makes me so happy to hear 💕 Way to GO!! 👏👏
Congratulations! That's really awesome.
I just want to say, My boyfriend and I come from very broken homes and both from very unhealthy relationship dynamics. we wernt really shown how to do any of this right, and have more often then not, leaned into our unhealthy behaviors in past relationships. We are both pulling boulders and really working hard to make sure that we don't harm ourselves or each other In this relationship. And your channel is the first channel where I don't feel like I'm being sold fluff. I can genuinely apply the things you talk about, and i have been talking about what i learn with him and its helped so much with our communication and our security with each other. I'm really thankful for your work. And I hope one day soon I have the privilege of reading one of your books. Thank you for your work
You're so welcome ❤️ I'm so glad to hear it's helpful and easy to apply! And I am cheering you on in your dedication to learning new skills to strengthen your relationship. ❤️
@@terri_cole I Appreciate the support and encouragement!
Thank you for doing what my parents should have done. ❤
Hello Terry Cole! Communication is an art that anyone can master, if their taught. I was taught on a high level. You have a good & bubbly & serious side of you, because of your profession, that is good for your viewers! I have dealt with many therapists because of my special needs daughter
All 3 resonate with me..recently wrote my 'clear and kind' boundary letter to my sd, my counselor said she could frame my letter for a 'boundary 101' class..I have to thank you, Terri, your books and videos gave me the clarity & courage to finally put closure to this very painful dynamic I've been involved in.
I am witnessing you with compassion and cheering you on- what an amazing shift 👏👏👏
I grew up not understanding emotions, thus all my relationships suffered. I shut down completely. I'm rebuilding my life all over again. Thank you for your information.
I am witnessing you with compassion and cheering you on as you rebuild ❤️
Tammy Coletta here from Tulsa, OK. I am an LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor. Love your videos, I learn so much!
Welcome, Tammy! Glad you're enjoying my videos ❤️
Holy smoke! This message hits home 🎯 I need to dive in head first NOW. Thanks Terri!
❤️❤️❤️
Im subscribed cause I never want to miss when you post!
💕💕
Hi I am from India.. I reached this video after lot of scrolling.. You way of explaining is very conversational and very easy to relate to.. Thanks.. very helpful tips
I'm so glad my video was helpful for you!
You are so right on about all the ineffective ways of communicating and I would hasten to add that these tactics and forms of ineffective communication were even at times done intentionally to Gaslight people to take out aggression against people where the gas lighter previously did not respond the way they really wanted to and instead had to try to express their anger healthy anger even in passive-aggressive ways probably as a child they have not expressed their anger in a healthy way and instead they express it in an unhealthy way in an abusive deceptive way where they can get out their anger and they think it's hidden but really it is extremely destructive and open to the eyes of everyone who can clearly see their manipulative tactics. The sad thing is if these people would just come out of the closet and State what they want and be open and be clear without being ugly because they've hidden and held back all of their own frustrations without openly expressing them if they would just Express what's on their plate and in their heart and emotions at the moment these experiences happen they would not build up all this unhealthy anger and then abuse other people with it all of these unhealthy and ineffective tactics of communication especially when done intentionally and maliciously against someone they claim to love cause the person doing these behaviors to be toxic and then having that root of bitterness it pollutes and poisons many people because they become Trapped By Their Own behaviors and habits their ways which are not the ways of God or healthiness and so they destroy every relationship they get in. Ultimately this reinforces their underlying belief that they are not lovable because their toxicity drives away anyone who comes near them to love them because of the hurt they see inside the person who is expressing all this hatred bitterness anger and rage but all of it is being done supposedly covertly I found the only thing I could do was exit the relationship after sharing with them all the ways that they were malicious in their behavior and essentially apologizing for my healthy reaction of anger to what they did and of course they blamed the end of the relationship on my anger when really the fact that they were doing all these behaviors to me every single thing you listed every single thing you've listed was done to me and so what was my healthy response? The only healthy response for me was to leave because they would not repent even after I gave them Bible verses and tried with all my heart to work with them but ultimately they had a goal of undermining and ruining the relationship so what could I do except for let them win so so thank you so much for breaking it down it has really Set Me Free from false guilt of thinking that I did not do enough and I realize I had been telling this person from day one all these things but they would not stop
You are spot on Terri! Thanks so much for this video, I have learned alot.
So glad to hear that Bonnie 💕
No, (around my spouse) I am interrupted and stop talking. What I have learned is what I have to say isn't worth hearing.
I am ignored in person and text. Yet I answer their texts right away and take orders.
The priest I had that recommended my therapist told me before he left to keep talking to my adult children. He said they do hear me.
I think they are seeing I am differentiating. They were seeing me as an extension of my husband (because they don'tsee him as an extension of me), as if I believed all he believed.
I honestly don't know how therapy will go but I don't think there will be real communication prior.
Perfect timing video and I am very grateful for your expertise and coaching.
💕
Very happy you are offering this work.
I'm so glad you're here watching it! ❤️
Brilliant Terri 😊. Looking forward to your guide
💕💕
Terri, thank you for this video it is much needed.
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for the video Terri, it is really insightful. I have given it some thought and I am requesting for your input on it. I think effective communication occurs when the intended purpose is achieved. I say so because we can be both direct and indirect in our communication. We may aim at playfully tease or joke, or being indirect because of the high risks at stake if one is direct because the other person is low on emotional intelligence or doesn’t focus on inner work. Thank you.
I think that’s insightful! It’s also important that effective communication includes loving words and intentional choices. Meaning, it’s not just about the outcome (that the intended purpose is achieved), but also how you get there. 💕
@ Thank you
You are a brilliant person 🎉🎉
Thank youuu ❤️❤️
@terri_cole your welcome 🤗
What happens when both parties think they are stating how they feel and it’s completely opposite but both think are right?
Can you please clarify that? I'm asking because someone stating how they feel is how they feel. What is "completely opposite"? Is the argument about how someone should feel about something, or is it about someone misinterpreting what the other person is saying and refusing to listen? Just want to make sure I can answer you accurately!
@ misinterpretation of how the other person feels. And also a big one I encounter is saying how I feel due to the actions of someone and the person(s) telling me that I shouldn’t feel that way because that’s not what they are doing. Or when they redirect the conversation and say what they are going through.
Got it, thank you for clarifying! This sounds like emotional invalidation, which I did a video on here: ruclips.net/video/QdzSgcXNIoQ/видео.html We all have a right to how we feel. You can try setting a boundary and request that they simply listen with a compassionate ear. It also helps to figure out who the emotionally trustworthy folks in our lives are- they're the ones who are willing to be with us in our feelings rather than make us wrong for them.
On the topic of someone saying you "shouldn't feel that way because that's not what they're doing," I also have a video here: ruclips.net/video/34K1P2x3Tjg/видео.html It's about abuse enablers (making excuses for abusers), and there's a part 2 with some scripts that may be useful, too. ❤️
@ thank you Terri!!! 💕 unfortunately “family” takes the win on those.
Hello! I'm a new subscriber ❤
Welcome, glad to have you here ❤️
Adding Too Much to Amazon cart now…..😊
I hope you enjoy it ❤️❤️
1:53 hey family new here love you all
I have a family member that when they very seldomly plan to see us, they say “I can’t stay long”. Normally I wouldn’t care but they have time for other things and they just say it to us and it makes me feel like there is no value to our time together. How can I communicate that kindly?
Try to discuss it with them by only focusing on how this has impacted you and your relationship with them while remaining curious about what might be happening for them. Share something like, “I’ve noticed that you aren’t able to spend a lot of time with us and I have felt less valued as a result. Is something going on in our relationship that has made you want to pull away? Is there something we can do together to improve our relationship?”
I'm a mother up to recently divorced after 7 years
And if there's one thing I want you to know about me is that I believe that everyone and that includes everyone here is capable of conqueringppl
terri cole you are absolutely wonderful I'm a stroke survivor and get put in akward conversations about my stroke and worst are questions that insinuate that it's somehow karma or O deserved physical🙏🏽🤦🏽♂️🥲my disability and p
I am so sorry to hear people insinuate that- how awful. Sending you love and strength ❤️
Thank you Terry Cole for your interesting topic. When you love someone you learn how to communicate well with them. If you are loved by them, they “should “ understand you. Am I right? 🙏💐🎁😁🤩🙌🫶🏻💋🦉🍵💜❤️🕊️😇🦉
Communication is a skill we can learn and if both people are committed to it, then that certainly makes it easier to understand each other. But it's up to us to communicate our preferences, desires, limits, and deal breakers clearly. We shouldn't expect others to just 'know' what we want or what we're thinking. Hope that clarifies 💕