Don't Get Sucked Into Conflict: 11 Tips to Handle Difficult People - Terri Cole
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- Опубликовано: 1 июн 2024
- Do you have people in your life who are so difficult and demanding that speaking your mind feels like it’s not even worth the hassle?
If you’re nodding your head, then this episode is for you.
I’m giving you proactive ways to approach impossible people and tips to verbally de-escalate situations so you can protect yourself from being harmed by future interactions!
Grab the free guide that goes along with this episode: www.terricole.com/difficult-p...
Time Stamps:
0:00 - Introduction
1:51 - The unreasonable people in our lives
2:25 - 5 ways to de-escalate a situation with a difficult person
5:44 - Being proactive tip: know the people in your life
7:00 - Being proactive tip: know yourself - are you codependent?
10:21 - Why we can't assume other people are like us (and want to fix their problems)
11:01 - How boundaries can help us be proactive with difficult people
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ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
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Boundary Boss Book: boundarybossbook.com/
#terricoleshow #communicationskills #boundaries 
Развлечения
Do you have difficult people in your life? Do you find it hard not to take their stuff on as yours? Let me know below!
Yes I do, Terri but you do help me a lot. Thank you very much for sharing your expertise, knowledge, wisdom. By the way, you look so radiant and beautiful! You inspire me to take good care of myself on the outside also, after years of abuse. God bless, love and light. XO Cindy.
Thank you so much for this video!! I have my mother, she is always angry and trying to fight. Using blame and guilty to manage me and make me feel responsible, and control me. Now I am 8 months pregnant and really want to keep my boundaries, I don’t want her at my home right now. She uses the excuse she wants to help me, but it never happens. She just have requests and needs when she comes to my place, she judges and complains. Today I told her I don’t need her here right now, and she said I am egoist, that I am keeping her far, and so on… she is the most difficult person in my life. Thank you Terri ❤
Oh yes. You are so right Terri, it takes way too much of our time and energy.
My MIL only calls to complain about the same thing she’s complained about for 36 years. She doesn’t want a solution, she wants to complain. Just last week when she started complaining, I called her out to say “ I know you’ve been dealing with this for a long time now because you mention it each time we talk. Perhaps its time to talk to a professional because I don’t have the solution.” She was annoyed but really! Venting should have an expiration date.
I dump such people whether friends or family. The energy wasted in putting up with them is too draining.
How kind to invite me to introduce myself… Thank you for teaching how to deal with difficult people… I want peace and joy these days in my life no more trauma and drama
I feel you on that! ❤️
@@terri_cole Peace is the key - I am seeking it through boundary setting. Sometimes I don't say a word. I just change the way I interact with people. Sometimes that mean shutting up.
If you say something they dont like, stay calm and listen to them explode stay calm its the best choice, these individuals have a low tolerance and not much patience. You cannot interrupt these types need to have their say bottom line
I really like this, because I always thought I would be "strong" if I get loud and defensive and stood up for myself, when in reality it is so much more powerful to stay calm and reasonable. ❤
Thank you for sharing that with us 💕
I have a cousin like this who was a close confidant before but over time became very opinionated and dismissive. After a tough breakup, she took my ex gf’s side in blaming me for everything that went wrong in the relationship and the breakup. I chose to create distance and didn’t talk with my cousin for a good 4, 5 months. She didn’t like that at all but I’m keeping it that way because my sanity matters.
I also like that we can stay lovingly attached without taking on their stuff. That is awesome - I don't want to detach totally from the difficult person (due to who they are in my life), but I don't want to be weighed down by their baggage. I am practicing setting health boundaries with that person. Even though I can see it bothers them. I also advise them to get a counselor - telling them I am not equipped to do that for them. I repeat as necessary. I am feeling free for the first time in my life. Loving my life.
Right on!! 🙌🙌
I try to be super supportive with people who are hurting emotionally and find myself getting sucked into their dark vortex, its emotionally draining in fact. Im learning the need to establish boundaries with the "Boundary Bully"🎉
It does feel like a vortex - a black hole. I have decided to stay clear of getting too close to the vortex. I am loving from a distance.
So helpful! Just let them be with their misery. I have a senior parent like this and to let him be with his misery is the best advice I’ve heard. He has all the care he needs and then some but there’s always a complaint. Just let it be
Me too. She is 79 and a handful. She inspired me to write a comedy book about it. I feel like it's paying off for me now. Will publish soon.
Nice advise. I love in a homeless shelter I feel as though this video will help immensely! Thanks again.
I am so glad it was helpful for you ❤️
Thank you Terri. This is so right on.
I have a daughter that does this to me, and she is is a huge boundary bully. She has turned my oldest granddaughter against me as she gathers her “army” of people that validate her cruelty to me. She is extremely rude and disrespectful towards me.
I thank you for the important tips that I wrote down!!!!
Witnessing you with compassion, Reena ❤
Daughters don't retaliate if you didn't do something wrong in the first place. Reflect on your past behaviours with a fair mind
@@snowcoconuts8660this feels judgemental and unfair. It's based on assumptions.
Wow, you just described my sister. I'm late here because I've be scouring around watching videos. But, I'm having anxiety attacks where I can't breath. You know when you cry and can't catch your breath, it feels like that but without the tears.
Ok, you're hearing from me!! 😅
I have a very beloved friend, and we used to have great conversations about all kinds of positive stuff. Ever since.....politics, covid, economy, etc. I shun the phone. No matter what, she'll get into ranting and spewing for a LONG time about all this stuff, and it's always the same old negative topics. She often calls on her day off of work - kind of to check on me and connect, which I appreciate, but the endless barage of just shit is outside of my living in peace boundary, especially as I'm recovering from a major health issue. I find myself not answering calls from her and not picking up the phone to call her too, which really feels isolating. I've gently talked to her about it, but it doesn't seem to change. I feel a bit of resentment, as though she has robbed us of any quality girlfriend time. I'd like to do this better for myself, and for our friendship, she is a solid, true blue friend, I really love her, and she's good people. Are there any more tips? I'm reading the BBB. I am a largely recovered codependent/helper. I have little taped up signs all over my walls (even ON the phone handset), saying, "Disengage; no opinion ", or, "Just say no, it's OK", and my favorite, "Do YOU even want to speak to someone right now"?, etc. 🤣 thanks for all your help. I was on the edge of my seat with this episode and playing it several times.
I think you can request “no politics” or whatever the topic is when you speak to her. You can say, “Heads up- I am on a negativity fast and am trying to stay away from topics that are draining me- can we please talk about something else?”
I like your honesty about setting boundaries and about people who want to be angry or a victim. Stop trying to fix them. Who has time? Love this.
I’m a positive projector.
Another great video, Terri! Thank you! With the help of your book and videos, I have really set and upheld my boundaries this year. It has been so hard to do as I am a people pleaser and an HSP, but I finally realized their issues and misery are not mine to take on, fix, change, etc. I no longer care if they are pissed off at me for setting a boundary. They'll get over it! 😁
Right on, Birdie! Go YOU!!
I can agree with this but to me its hard to always ignore i have a sibling that i just had to give up on because she always had a problem with me. Got to a point where i felt bullied! So i think with certain people distance is necessary for your own peace. Or to keep you out of jail 🫣
Yup, even siblings. I hear you.
@@chickadeeacres3864especially siblings
I’m a fixer. I tend to give them back themselves though. Someone whom I was talking to today was talking about a difficulty with her daughter. The lady talks in power struggle terms, but I said to her that expectation is an emotion and that it’s forceful and that her expectation didn’t give her daughter a choice because she was forcing a expectation on her. I think people forget or don’t know expectation is an emotion..
Love this video!! Thank you so much!! Very helpful to hear this and the way you have explained it is brilliant!! 💚🌹💚🌹
This topic describes my exact painful experience with my now former partner, yet until I found Terri I had little knowledge of codependency & boundaries. I've participated in EVERY course Terri offered, every workshop & carefully listened to her videos since... January 2020 to get where I am today. The first, & quite intentionally the only, online education I've engaged with as I identified the quality of Terri's work right away. Along with therapy, I can hear Terri's video, with this particular content & understand exactly the dance that was occurring, continue to bring healing and further explore how to "stay in my lane" & avoid the over responsibility trap with friends & family. This video cements how to handle boundary bullies that I may come across in the future. 👏
This is the best advice I’ve heard in dealing with difficult people. I would like to know more though about how you set the boundaries without the fear of repercussion or maybe that can’t be avoided.
Feeling fear around setting boundaries is normal. I like to say that our relationships aren't that fragile. And if a relationship blows up because you set a boundary, then it was based on you self-abandoning (which isn't healthy, either!). I have LOTS of videos about boundaries on my channel (and I wrote a book all about it called Boundary Boss).
Of course, if you're talking about someone who is abusive, then please prioritize your safety above all else. ❤️
Hi, I have mother and my partner like this. With mother I had no contact for 2 months, and now that we talk again, I'm is on distance, talking from dinstance with her. My partner have diagnosed mental health issues, taking medications. Overly jelous and possesive, attacking me every other day for something and I'm tkinking about leaving him. I am expecting a baby with him and it's hard to make decision because I feel sorry for him. And I know he will get worse if I leave but I think I can't handle anymore. I know I will figured out something, but It's hard right now. Thank you Terri for your knowledge and wisdom! ❤
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️ I have a video about staying or leaving here: ruclips.net/video/GTWmhDEP1jg/видео.html
Very logical advice. 👍👍 Hope it works for majority of cases. 🙏
I personally have had an opposite experience. Hearing such people out, not fighting them back, etc had only enabled that person to push further with violating my boundaries and insulting my calmness even 🤷♀️ 😂
Some people just dont get calmed even when we act in a civilized way. Some people should have been stopped immediately,by „I am not engaging in this conversation and I would appreciate if you respect my decision”. 🙄 that’s it.
You look like Leanne Rimes ❤️ Thanks for the video recovery from narcissists
❤️
Just commenting to say that your lip stick game is on point!! 💄 😉
❤️
Yes I told my Boundary bully that I didn't wanna hear about how she was molested backstage by the director for the 20th time. I said it was inappropriate for a mother to tell a daughter. Boy was she pissed! Lololol
Thank you so much Terri Cole. I really appreciate your videos and especially this one which is a clear reflexion of my life. I try to make people happy, but it seems some will never be, no matter what you do
If you're trying your best, the other person's reaction is likely more about them and less about you ❤️
@@terri_cole Thank you for the perspective. Makes sense
I will hear this over and over take notes and apply to keep my sanity…. From your previous video realized that I’m codependent and have issues with my mom, was feeling ok after got married and moved out then moved all the way to west, have two of my daughters 28 & 30 yrs old where I try my best to have healthy boundaries ( another issue of mine that I set boundaries but give in so easily), now for past 7 years my mom lives with us and as much as I do to keep her happy, she loves to complain, mumble out loud which triggers my childhood wounds and I loose it sometimes with her, while I try to be perfect example to my daughters of loving caring daughter trying to keep her mom happy at age 78,
I grew up hearing my mom wishes death and here I am at age 55 who’s becoming a grandmother soon, still hearing my mom’s complaints, when I lost my cool few times I told her” if you don’t want to live, either don’t take your medications on time or take them all together, as much as I love you, I can’t make you want to live….. how more insensitive I could be.😢
I’m devastated, I can’t keep everyone around me happy, I realize it’s not my job, I’m trying to become a helpful mother and grandmother, plus to keep my mom in her space to stop interfering with my daughters life, I can’t be the peacemaker anymore….
Sorry for long comment and that you again for your videos Terri ❤
I am witnessing you with love and compassion, CeCilia ❤ It sounds like you're shouldering a lot right now. Sending strength your way!
Great video! This is so true. Me being the youngest my family members would always suck me into their conflicts not I just remove myself.
I have a question, how do you heal father wounds? One of your last videos was very help. It made realize I’m dealing with father wounds and don’t know where to start .
Thank you for these amazing videos !! ❤
Me too
So glad you found it helpful, Amy! I did a workshop on father wounds earlier this year. It's available to purchase: www.terricole.com/fatherwound/ I don't have other content on father wounds at this time, but it's a topic I know a lot of you want to hear more about!
Therapy would also be a great place stop that cycle.
Thank you for sharing!
Awesome ❤
Yes!! Thank you for this information. Yes, I had a conversation online with our son and he was getting upset, mad and frustrated I proceeded to tell him that “I know it sucks son and you have the right to your own thoughts and feeling and they are valid.. he got more upset at the fact that I don’t. As about him and all I care about is peace I then proceeded to tell him you are correct son I am he got more upset so I ended our conversation with I love you son and take care. And of course there are others in my family as I know I may be difficult to others but on my journey with therapy I’m learning to give people their space to express their thoughts and feelings but I also feel it should not be in the expense of disrespecting me. Thank you!! Thank you!! This information is very HELPFUL!!
Thank you that great advice.. really interesting the reaction from the folks you are trying to help. I have experience this.
Do I have trouble taking on other people’s stuff??? Indeed I do AND it ]has taken away from taking care of myself. It takes away from having joy in my life and giving joy to others whom I feel genuinely and sincerely drawn to rather than obligated. I have learned from listening to you Terri, that people think I am assertive. I am upfront and clear about other people being taken advantage of (at work, in general areas of life). I will almost always advocate for others being treated unfairly by other people - whether it is a large system doing the injustice or one or more individuals. And I take up for me in many situations. But I took your boundary assessment and I lean to the aggressive NOT assertive side. People get that mixed up. I get it mixed up and it is only as I have grown older that I have come to know that how I say it and the emotion and conviction I say “it” with determines how effective I can be with setting boundaries.
But I get the "dizzy -what is happening here spells" in some personal relationships. These are usually the ones where there is a mutual mix of dysfunction going back and forth between us. While I am in there playing out these roles, I am not self-aware and am baffled by what is going on. . Then one day, my eyes open and I adamantly move-on and have had enough. Even when it is the right thing to do with the person, and even if the outcome would probably not have been different, I always wish I had - as it was occurring - the presence to see and process what was happening and speak then instead of spiraling into a rabbit hole. Again, I would rather be clear and aware before I allow such intensity in myself. These relationships that are full of confusion nd poor boundaries are physically and emotionally unhealthy./ Thank you for the word and the real spirit of being and loving.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️ It might be helpful to ask the 3 Qs for these relationships where you get baffled: 1) Who does this person remind me of? 2) Where have I felt like this before? 3) How or why is the behavioral dynamic familiar to you? This may help you identify why the intense feelings are coming up.
These are very practical n doable things. Thank you for doing thus vdo for someone like me who is struggling with this in my life.
Thanks❣️🕊
❤️
This is so helpful. Thank you. I’m going to order your book.
I'm so happy it helped you ❤️ Enjoy Boundary Boss!
You are amazing and I took notes and will read them all the time
Thank you, so glad you found it helpful!
Thanks Terri for this video and yes indeed i found lots of answers and reassurance that i was facing a reel boundary bully. The term fits perfect actually! i wrote down your tips, and ill do my best to integrate that the next time he calls... 🤝👍🏻
Thank you....I went against boundaries I had set for myself regarding my daughter....she is 32 and gravely disabled mentally, with behaviors, screaming and destroying things, has let personal hygiene get to a point of open sores ...much from substance abuse and polypharmacy abuse as well.
Anyway long long story short....I swore I would not let her in the door, and tonite I am suffering the consequences of empty threats and promises....Im literally on verge of nervous breakdown....
But your message seemed to calm her down ( even as she was in another room) and definitely has me remembering I am not equipped to help or handle her, she was not " born ...or raised ....or brought up to become...." this way". I've not yet abandoned her...and I know she is so alone and lost....but it will be my demise to continue being around her . She refuses to seek help. She is familiar with most every facility in the greater Wa area. Police and Firefighters and Pastors have reached out numerous times... Counselors, doctors, social workers and family. It seems this deep misery is taking over ...body and soul.
It's so hard to prepare to move away in these next weeks, not knowing where or what she will do...I understand why it's called tough love....because it's tough and rough for me as ( evil villain) Mom....not that I am giving it to her...the " tough love"....it's hard and rough to be at this crossroads of letting go and distancing for fear of my health. God knows I've cried rivers of pain and worry ....
Emotionally I'm not sure how to cope.....maybe your book can help???
Anyways I liked your message/ topic and you have great communication that isn't sugar coated...or bland...it was the perfect mix...and made my attitude a bit sweeter too...( She certainly calmed down in the other room as I listened. She is now asleep!!!
.....so thank you for your work and insightful knowledge!!! Timing was perfect!!!
I am so sorry to hear about your painful situation with your daughter, Robyn ❤️ I am glad the message in my video could help you both. It sounds like there is a lot to mourn and grieve on your end, understandably so. I have a video about the emotional roller coaster of setting boundaries here: ruclips.net/video/a-A3aGzGb2Q/видео.html And there is a video about trauma and boundaries here (if you had any childhood trauma, it may make it difficult to set boundaries: ruclips.net/video/xGVh-x8WEAw/видео.html
Finally, my Boundary Boss Bill of Rights is here, in case it can be a helpful reminder to you: ruclips.net/video/WY3I8ox__M4/видео.html
Thanks for the tips. I have learnt a lot from your videos
You're so welcome, thanks for being here! ❤
Great 👍
My parents (in their early 60s and I'm in my early 30s) can be very difficult. They are coming from a place of love, however, they insist on trying to micromanage my relationships, within and outside of the family, how I choose to spend my $...etc. Technically they cannot control any of those things, but with there being some history where I left home at 23 against their wishes and now say I have created a deep wound in the family, they use guilt as a means of controlling me. Things will be great until I do something they don't agree with, then I am told how I'm abandoning the family (I moved to NY and they live in NJ) how I'm being disrespectful. I acknowledge and take accountability for the fact that I don't always handle the disagreements well either. Thankfully, between content like yours and having a loving and supporting partner (boyfriend of 6 years and a great extended family) I am learning how to manage the relationship with my parents and though it hasn't been successful yet, I am about to make a big step into setting stronger boundaries and not letting them guilt trip me anymore! Thank you for all of your knowledge!
Witnessing you with compassion, Janine, and I'm cheering you on along the way as you take these big steps ❤ Thank you for being here!
Wow, I find myself in a similar situation. I am trying to get away from them but so hard to . I moved back in with them during COVID and now find it difficult to get out. I had a plan to but unfortunately a doctor turned it down who I have to listen to.
Terri, thank you for your words of wisdom. I discovered you over on Insight Timer and now diving into your channel here. My partner of 7 years is so negative and fixed in his mindset. Everything is a problem and he cannot see any positives in his life. He is angry and frustrated with everything and everyone. Whenever I try to talk about my feelings or needs, he doesn't want to listen. He seems to feed off his own misery. I try to disconnect from it but it's dragging me down after 7 years of being with him. I've realised that I've never known about boundaries or how to communicate them, so it looks like I've got some work to do to lay some down with him. I feel like I am growing and moving on and he us stuck, like a broken record and of course, there's nothing I can do about it. I feel like I've wasted my time again on yet another partner with these same qualities. Rinse and repeat. I'm 48 and finally waking up to my patterns and I'm exhausted by it all! 🙄🤕
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and love as you navigate this, Lindsey ❤ Thank you for joining us over here.
@@terri_cole Thank you so much for your support and empathy!
Hello Terri! Just came across your channel after seeing a reel of you from Women of Impact.
Cheers from Australia 🇦🇺
Welcome to my RUclips crew! Thanks for being here ❤️
i am new to your channel and new to self help. I am enjoying your teachings. I honestly feel empowered by the fact that my need for soft sheets and throws. I didn't know this was a a real thing. I have had this need since I was a teenager. I just thought I was needy and weird.
Hi there Lawanna, thanks for being here ❤️ I am all about soft sheets and throws!
I got so much respect for you especially with your no bs approach.
I will try de-escalating conflict with my narcissist mother. I've been trying everything method over a decade now
This can be difficult to navigate with a narcissistic mother. If you've already tried the grey rock method, sometimes I just recommend dialing your contact back with her (if you don't want to go no contact). Perhaps stick to phone conversations rather than seeing her in person, or 10 minute conversations rather than 30 minutes. ❤️
I did an episode focused on narcissistic mothers here that may help: ruclips.net/video/xl8HNr-Zsv4/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/dDTF5iXvbi4/видео.html
What you are saying to do is going to be very hard for me but I am going to try really hard. I am going to make a list and keep it in my phone for reference. Thank you! Love that term: boundary bully, I know a few. I need to know how to quit being a fixer. I'll look for vids on that.
I see you and I know it's difficult ❤️ I used to be super codependent in my 20s, and it took a while for me to heal, but I did. I would gently invite you to focus on becoming aware of your urge to fix things, because this compulsion is what drives us. When we become aware of it, we can choose to react differently. (Like having faith the person will figure it out on their own!)
I've done a lot of videos on codependency (I'm also writing a book about it!), but here are a few to begin with:
ruclips.net/video/GrZ15pV9_Zk/видео.html
ruclips.net/video/4BD1xs1GlbY/видео.html
ruclips.net/video/MLQuTa5hy30/видео.html
thank you I never even knew I was a fixer lol...I thought I was just type A and wanted to get as much stuff done as possible. My boss used to say give it to Toni she'll knock it out in seconds.... It was very true. You know if you want something done give it to the busy person@@terri_cole
This could not be more timely. I just had yet another difficult visit with my mother in law due to her penchant for being contrary. No matter what I say, she has to counter it, regardless how benign. An example: We had a problem with flies swarming our food when we tried eating on the patio, so I found a small fan to put on the table to deter them. We had a lovely brunch with nary a fly, and when I commented that it appeared my fan idea worked, she chimed in with, "Or maybe the flies just aren't awake yet." Really? Flies are sleeping at 10 a.m.? What the hell is that? (Though I didn't actually say anything, choosing to keep my mouth shut to keep the peace.) This is but one example of the constant challenges she throws at me, making me feel small and insignificant, and it becomes emotionally exhausting to the point of me just blowing up. Facebook shared a memory of some photos I had taken of her beautiful property in Denmark over Halloween six years ago. So I showed them to her and reminisced about how lovely they were and what a coincidence that they popped up while she was here. She couldn't just say, "Oh those are beautiful photos," she had to challenge me on whether I was sure they'd been taken at Halloween because it's usually her coming to the U.S. to see us in the fall, not the other way around. Showing her the date stamp on the images still didn't stop the barrage of questioning me about my certainty because she didn't remember it. It was maddening. I sighed after the third time she pushed me, and she became defensive and asked me why I was sighing at her. I said I was annoyed at being repeatedly challenged when I've shown her actual evidence, and she insisted she was just trying to express that she didn't remember it. I stormed out and stayed in my room for the next hour or so like a teenager, and I'm 61 years old for God's sake! I need to learn safe ways to stop this behavior from getting to me because I love my mother in law and really want our visits to be comfortable for all of us, my husband included. Before she left yesterday, I told her I need her to be more affirmative toward me and less challenging ― to resist the urge to find an alternative to what I've said and just say, "Yes, that was a great idea," or "That's funny that I don't remember that trip at all, but I'm sure you must be right," and not make me feel like I'm being gaslighted. I need a vacation from her vacation now.
Witnessing you with compassion, Jill ❤
Jill, I'm also witnessing you with compassion. Since you wrote that you need a way to deal with the difficult dynamic with your mother-in-law, might I suggest something that works for me? When I'm in a situation like that with a contary person, I often remind myself that the other person's behavior is not about me - at ALL. Then, if I'm successful at remembering to not take it personally, I do this thing I call "S and N"; smile and nod. And then if I'm feeling a bit extra generous (to myself), I think - not say outloud- "that poor dear, it must be so miserable inside her/him". This defuses the situation for ME. I believe a person can't fight with nothing, so I take myself out of the equation. I don't always succeed but it is very helpful for my own peace when I do. I hope that is helpful, it IS truly a bear to deal with a contrary person. I imagine people that behave in that manner must feel small and don't know how to feel more confident and resort to battle tactics to survive....Terri could expound on that one....Best to you, good luck.
Thank you for this great advice, @@flyingcheff. I will remember your tactic for next time we're together. I have childhood trauma from having a narcissistic mother whom I could never please or do anything right in her eyes. I've told my MIL this, but she simply doesn't recognize her behavior when she does it to me. And if it were rare or infrequent, it wouldn't bother me so much, but it's relentless. You've got me wondering what her mother must have been like toward her for her to be like this to me. My husband said she does the same thing to him, but I never witness it. He said he just shrugs it off. I wish I could. I told him it feels like death by a thousand little cuts. Ugh. Thank you again for sharing your experience and solution. It was very kind of you to take the time and make the effort to comfort and advise me. Enjoy your evening.
Some people's "need to be right" can supercede considering the impact it has on the listener! Their behavior! This video really hits how to handle these difficult people so beautifully! I wish I had this information years ago myself. Witnessing you with so much compassion & encouragement ❤
I thinks it’s easier to apply when they don’t live with you
Omg yes
Omg Terri I was in a relationship for a little over a year with a man that was so controlling in conversations. He talked so much and didn’t give me a chance to comment on his conversations. By the time I could speak I had forgotten what the conversation was because he had already talked about 5 other stories? And if I was lucky enough to get a chance to speak he hated it if I asked a question that he was about to answer if I had just waited until he was finished talking, which seemed to never happen?
I'm so sorry you experienced this ❤️
Sounds like my sister. I learned a new term "verbal processor". I'm an internal processor, btw. They will drive a person up a wall because they NEVER STOP TALKING. Unfortunately, this is how they think. They think OUT LOUD.
I'm here because I'm on the verge of going no contact with my older sister. She won't stop venting to me about the tiniest of minutiae in her life for hours every day on the phone. I'm drained. Her frustration threshold is non-existent. She was also the covert ringleader of my family scapegoating, but you'd never hear her admit that. Her kids have already buried me...🪦. She's a hypocrite,too.
After Mom passed from covid, I wanted to have a relationship with my sister, but am regretting that decision. I realized that she's been gaslighting me. I realized that the family drama and my scapegoating has her at its core...
Of the past 3 years, 2.5 have been a gradually escalating pattern of small abuses and increasing toxicity. Now, I'm having panic attacks and insomnia. I've emotionally shut down. I'm having memory lapses from gaslighting and attacks. My cortisol and blood pressure are elevated. I'm anxious, nervous, depressed, afraid, stressed, etc... I've gained 30 pounds and look pregnant due to the elevated cortisol.
After my awakening and realization took place these last two weeks, I decided to go to counseling. Maybe get some medication to calm me down, too. I'm in hypervigilant fight or flight mode. I feel exhausted.
Hi Terri, what do I say to a narc who is a chronic complainer? It is soooo draining and I want to learn to stop it.
Protect your energy and do your best to not take on their complaints, make suggestions, or try to fix it. Step back from the conversation. You might say things like, “That’s a shame,” or ,“What a drag," with no need to fix. Asking a narc to not complain will most likely backfire so the part you can work on is how much of that negativity you let into your internal world.
Just had a situation but there was a 15 month old baby girl involved. My auto fix kicked in. I was trying to protect the emotions of the baby from the hysterical mother who blamed her for something then blamed everyone in her life for her history of mood swings/explosions 💔☹️ 😢 #family
Witnessing you with compassion, Kirstin ❤ that sounds like a difficult situation.
Yeah , som ething it's my wife but most of the time it's me in all of this thank you it's good we can be here
I'm glad this video was helpful for you ❤️
Any idea for how to handle Narcissists?
I just had a conversation with Dr. Jaime Zuckerman about boundaries and narcissistic parents which might shed some light: ruclips.net/video/E5HL5VPJwog/видео.htmlsi=emZa6b4WMVy4rcfS
In general, I think of narcissists as boundary destroyers. They have their own agenda, which often bulldozes through other people's boundaries. Sometimes, the best tactic is to lessen contact. That might mean going from calling twice a week to once a week, or just texting. If you can't do that, then I recommend treating conversations like a business. Stick to facts, don't bring emotions into it. Just be professional. They're looking for supply, and by being "boring," you're not giving them any. (This is also called the grey rock method.) Hope that helps!
@@terri_cole thank you so much Terri. This is very helpful.
I do positive projection. But why does it make people not like us?
I mean it in the sense of you cannot assume that everyone else shares the same thought process as you or has the same values or morals as you do.
I went through a lot of my early life automatically assuming people *did* share my thoughts, beliefs, values, and morals, which ended up in me getting hurt and being susceptible to certain scams. I hope that clarifies it!
Who is this woman? 😅. I love this video.
Well hey there, I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
I simply observe them like they're mental patient.
Then, I deal with my emotions in private later.
Christi
I saw a different video that described your method. It's spot on the best way...
Sounds like my narcissistic sister 🦈🦈☝🏻
Thanks!
Thank you so much, Cassie! I appreciate your support and am grateful to have you here ❤️❤️
Why would you be attached to misery and negativity it kinda sick and twisted?
This can happen for many reasons- sometimes it is due to an original injury or the home you grew up in.
Natural born helper 🎉
You take too long to get the message 😖😖😖😖😖😖