My father summed it up telling me my problem is that I’m just not loveable. My mother agreed. I was 45 years old and had spent years in therapy. In that moment I realized two things- I am more mature than either of my parents. And neither of them really know what love is.
On the outside my parents looked normal but behind closed doors I was being raised by forever 4 yr olds. By the time I was 10 I knew I was more mature than them but yet I was trapped being dictated to by 4 yr olds. I am 56 yrs old and its amazing I am functional at all.
Omg so relatable with how the child has to never rock the boat, or the stressed out parent quickly becomes all high strung and stiff. The parentified child learns to people please to stay safe. So that's where my fawn- type personality originated.
Mother said to me, "We knew how to get you to do anything we wanted...just ignore you, ." Neither of my parents should ever have had children. Their children were there to do their bidding...to serve them. I was extremely parentified. This video brought up a lot of pain. But I'm thankful that someone could put my childhood into words.
I was raised by emotionally immature parents and when I had my own child, I panicked. I realized I was a total mess: anxious and emotionally immature and still am immature. I've been in therapy for years, dealing with my anxiety and learning how to be a better mom, but I have to say, it's a constant growth opportunity for me. I regularly come across things with my own child that stump me. I just had no roadmap on how to 'adult' and I've been working hard to learn it on my own as I go. Dr. Gibson is a beacon!
You're doing amazing work! Most individuals don't step up to deal with these issues. It takes hard work and courage to heal and change. I started reading How To Be An Adult and it stuck with me how little my parents prepared me for anything in the real world. We become incredibly self reliant growing up outside of a solid family system, purely out of necessity. Growing up either too slow or fast. Taking on roles which at the time were never meant to be ours to hold.
Healing ❤️🩹 continues until your last breath. Thank God for RUclips & Dr. Lindsey for her body of work. I still cry & grieve at 62 b/c I never had healthy relationships with my parents. 😢. Still hurts.
Both of my parents come from homes with abusive mother figures and kind/loving fathers with their own issues (one was an active alcoholic, and the other was gone working all the time). Unfortunately, this rings so true. My parents love me and would charge into hell with a water pistol for me, but I never knew which parent I was getting. Kind and funny Daddy or vicious and scary Daddy? Happy and sweet Mama or angry and manipulative Mama? Hurt people hurt people, I know, but it's just... I shouldn't have been the family counselor at 6, 7, 8 years old. I shouldn't have had to be the one to say, "Wait wait wait. There's other possible reasons for them doing that. Let's not jump to conclusions without any information," or "Be patient with the drive through attendants at Burger King. They're trying their best. Smile at them instead," or "Please don't talk about my sister like that. Not to me." I bawled through this whole video while my normal as apple pie husband stroked my back. Thank you so much. I finally feel -seen-.
Prayers for you❤ it sounds like you're on a good path for healing. Food for thought... I bet your grandmother's didn't think that their husband's were kind and loving 😕 not emotionally available (silent treatment/no communication/no problem resolution skills) is just as toxic and damaging and abusive as the abuse you saw in your grandmother's. Its just covert, not as obvious. I would even venture out to say that there was probably manipulation, gaslighting and invalidating from your grandpa's towards your grandmas... and probably disrespect coming from both directions. My thoughts coming from my own experiences unfortunately.
Oh my goodness some of your story spoke directly to me, always feeling why it’s up to me to get my parents properly socialized. Shouldn’t it have been them showing me how to get along peacefully in the world?
Typing through my tears... An ENORMOUS bubble of emotion just came up in me as I listened to Dr. Gibson talk about the Still Face Experiment and how an infant actively tries to reengage their mother. Obviously I cannot remember my infancy, but this had to have happened to me. I had to have buried it deep in my subconscious to have this strong of a reaction to hearing Dr, Gibson's words. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for conducting and posting the interview. The more I clean out of my subconscious, the better!
I see so much advice nowadays saying “Stop blaming your parents for your flaws and trauma.” I can see how blame can hold you back, but isn’t it good to recognize where trauma came from? I’m so confused
It’s not about blame, dear one. It’s only always about healing your own wounds & perceived shortcomings. And, yes, it’s healthy to know the root source of it all so that you know where to start the work of healing yourself. You may find inner child work & reparenting work helpful. There are so many tools & great resources on RUclips now. Also, if you have body dis-ease or unusual symptoms, you may find Bessel Van Der Kolk’s work on “The body keeps the score” helpful and Pete Walker’s books on trauma healing are wonderful. The point is not to blame but that you truly cannot move on until you have actually processed the trauma effectively. All my best to you on your healing journey. 💐
We suddenly or slowly realize that it's us....not them. We have the issues and we now know how we got them. But it's no longer on them. It's on us to heal and shame.
Here's the thing:: compassion. Somebody hurt your parents. It's OK to blame where blame is due - for a while. Then to move forward, understand your parents were broken....likely because something adverse broke them. Which is sad.
I always imagine in my mind how I’m going to nicely say whatever I know my mother in law will not be agreeable to, but when I state it, she always responds different than how I practiced in my head that it might turn out. She can never accept anything other than what she wants of me. I think she thinks I was born for her to control. Once I started just not being afraid of her, and told her frankly and firmly what I was going to do or not do, she started getting quiet and not arguing as much. I know she takes her anger to others about me not giving into every desire she has, now rather than to me, because she can’t control me. The older I’ve gotten I feel proud of myself to not let myself be controlled by her. She leaves me alone for the most part now and is focused on others. Once a month she’ll reach out to see if she can start something new but I’ve made myself unavailable. It’s sad because I truly love her and always wanted a close relationship with her but it was only close on her terms if I believed exactly like her And she could intimidate me to always be submissive to her every whim. After 30 years I’m over it.
Sounds like you and she are in a power struggle. She may be jealous that her child loves you and married you...she's possessive about her child and expects that she since she controlled him she's thus entitled to control you too. She is too frightened to admit that he and you are adults whom no one is entitled to control. She's mainly comfortable in a controlling maternal role and doesn't want to grow. So anything you say, she disagrees automatically because she is scared that her child loves you and therefore might abandon her or not need her anymore. She probably has no other main interests or roles in life except being a parent. She is frozen or lazy emotionally. She's in a lonely place. How to overcome her resistance? If you still want to try, consider bonding with her in a favorite pastime like cooking, gardening, needlework, walking, or anything that interests you both. Ask her advice or opinions. She may be suspicious for awhile. Try gentle sincere compliments too, and perhaps thoughtful small gifts or cards. If you can gently compliment her in front of others, that can be helpful. Be patient. Try not to respond or engage if she tries to do the power struggle. Smile gently as if you thought she was joking, for example. Make a point of sharing your spouse an any grandchildren in an activity with her. Be patient, and good luck.
I feel like I have to suppress my strength around my Dad. Like I have to be submissive to make my Dad not feel threatened. Did you feel this way around your mother-in-law?
Absolutely soooooo comforting knowing that Dr Linsay has such a great understanding and support in this area where one feels emotionally challenged. Realising that I have the right to do in my life the things that make me happy. Parents have such an awful control on their children when they themselves are emotionally immature ....... thank you both for such words of great comfort blessing and love very grateful.........
Excellent interview. Wise insight. The observations about 'parentified children' are especially poignant. The strange reversal of the child having to study and navigate the parent's emotional minefield, to learn not to set it off, and to help the parent 'feel good about herself'.
Takes a long time to take personal responsibility for our OWN happiness….regardless of others. We are all responsible for our own inner world. We are not here to please others.🙏💙
I think it goes from generation to generation.. Not being comfortable with closeness.. Closeness is a natural urge but we are also social beings internalizing the values and patterns of our family... I have longed for closeness my whole life but at the same time I have avoided it... Very sad.. A deep routed longing and fear of closeness.
I just want to say how much this video made me feel connected to my inner child in a way that I have not experienced before. Thank you for sharing and to anyone else who has experienced life through this lense you are not alone ❤
This... Literally explained ALL of my problems I felt growing up and am still dealing with now. THANK GOD for the Internet and people like Lindsay Even the fact I had KIDNEY issues (water) and the fact of being "dried up" just worked eat too well
It reminds me of a Disney movie where someone was described as emotionally constipated. That's been my experience. It never goes anywhere and it's like hanging out in a kiddie pool when you want to dive in and see and express much more than the veneer of life.
Thank you for this conversation; I’m healing from my childhood and neither of my parents can acknowledge the dysfunction. It’s so painful because how can things change and how do you move on from this?!🥴 I was called a wise child…and my mom would come to me for advice. It was so suffocating. I get overwhelmed by people who are needy like her.
She recognizes and appreciates your capacity for empathy. Just consider making boundaries with her needs. Try enlightening her about empathy and boundaries. You may be pleasantly surprised by a new enjoyable emotional intimacy with her.
I had to take care of my egg donor from a very early age. First, by having no needs or stuffing them and then physically cooking cleaning, shopping etc. If you did speak up, she was intentionally vicious. I didnt come into my own until she passed. I learn more everyday and this is like mana from heaven. Thank you.
Thank you both so much for this. I finally achieved acceptance, albeit painfully. My abusive alcoholic father died. I tried to relate to my enabler mother, who was always zoned out on prescription drugs, and my narcisstic 13 years older sister. Finally I gave up and accepted that I would never have an honest or caring relationship. I was the Scapegoat. They always ganged up on me. They were also jealous of my self achieved education and financial success. It became too painful and frustrating to deal with because their behavior never changed. Luckily I escaped to another city which helped me distance myself emotionally. I stopped expecting any positive responses from them.
Indeed. I've had to do that with my parents (my mom the emotionally abusive one, and my dad the emotionally absent one). I have emotional scars from those times still, but in recent times if I have moments where certain repressed memories come back I learn to not push them away. Embracing and understanding them is the key to recovery.
@@Lcn-m6j It’s very hard.♥I told my lovely husband that I feel like I might not cry when my parents die, but just be relieved. It’s a horrible thought cause then I think what’s wrong with me, am I a monster? But I cried and cried when my grandparents died, so I know I can love just fine. My grandparents didn’t even “know” me that much, it’s not like they played with me or anything, but they were around and kind and didn’t dump their problems on me. For that I loved them like crazy. My own parents have parentified me since childhood and I just feel empty with nothing left to give.
@@LilyMunstar0223 was her death catha my parents are still alive and I feel when they pass or I pass, that it will be painful because of the reality that never was.
I've read your book, and now reading it for the second time and I must say I've learnt to know myself better and learnt to understand others better 🙏🏽💯 thanks Dr
"Old soul" here. I feel like I've lost myself in ensuring that the household is calm and effective. I know that both my parents were not ready to be parents when they had my sibling and I, and I hold some resentment to them. The rest of my life has been difficult making genuine connections with people and deeper more connective relationships. Within the family and extended family I would lash out. I was considered the problem child because my behaviors drew attention to the negative things happening in my life(which was never acknowledged or discussed). In turn, I was viewed by other members of extended family as a "brat". As the person I've become and am continuing to discover today, I have found that standing my ground and holding firm with my boundaries have helped maintain a more healthy relationship with them. Never hold onto toxic relationships, no matter the connection you may have with them. It is painful, but in the end, if it is harmful to your well-being and personal development it is not worth the destress, trauma or shame that comes with it. Of course, do not make these decisions lightly and if you have access to mental health supports use them to help you make these decisions.
Makes me so sad. NO, NPD do NOT change. If they reach out about estrangement, it's only that they want their supply back not because they finally acknowledged the damage they did to warrant it.
Yes well said. My father sends texts to me saying “I’m eager to talk to you” but really it’s just so he can get attention, continue on with the abusive patterns and the result will be that I’m physically drained.
Thank you for the very good and I would say accurate explanation of the logic and background of "co-dependents" / the fawn (re)action / the "good girl" syndróm. Because I feel there IS a lot of shaming these days like: co-dependents are "manipulatívne" and as if it's their fault for being chosen by narcicissts... thank you again!
I had the same opinion as the host. I didn't think I'd hear anything I didn't already know in her book. Wow, was I wrong. Her book is brilliant. It totally changed my perception of myself and how I was raised.
My father was a violent narc, my mother a weak, socially inept enabler. I was their mediator from a young age, trying to keep them on an even keel as the slightest thing would set them off. I was also, without realising it, my mother's therapist for many years. I was conditioned to always put others first (mainly my parents, but others too if it meant it made the family look good)- to the extent that i had the belief that if it was hurting then it must be doing me good. I married out of one dysfunctional family into another where the roles were reversed - the mother was the manipulative controlling one, but covert rather than overt like my father, & her husband was the weak enbler. My husband & i were the scapegoats, both our brothers were the golden child. My mil hated me for taking her 'little boy' away from her & made sure the same thing wouldn't happen with her other son so he never had a life but was strapped to her until the day she died. She would sulk, withdraw & act like a child in the playground over the slightest thing & if she couldn't get her own way, which meant she generally did, whereas my father would yell, slam doors, bang & crash things, lash out with his fists, as well as sulk for weeks. My mental & physical health got worse & worse as the years went by with having to deal with the ridiculous immature behaviours of both sets of parents, dealing with my husband who was still very mother-enmeshed, & trying to raise my young daughter in a completeky different way to that in which we were raised so she didn't have the insufferable problems we had when growing up. I was also very bullied right the way through school & even in college so never knew what i'd be walking into at the start or end of the day. My daughter was in danger of becoming like my mil & golden child brother combined & started to reject me & side with her father who was afraid to upset her in any way (like he was with his mother) so he gave into her every whim & wish. I had terrible bouts of depression, anxiety, & panic attacks. In the end, my brain & body just gave up & completely broke down - i couldn't get out of bed for three years. I was diagnosed with M.E., fibromyalgia, & eventually cptsd. Most of the abusers in my life have now pased away, the so called 'friends' i thought i had in my adult life who i now realised were also narcisists, have moved on as i outlived my usefulness to them, my husband & daughter eventually grew up & saw & understood the reality of the situarion in both families, so i now have good relationships with both my husband & daughter (after 46yrs), so feel i am eventually starting to slowly heal. I still sometimes wake up shaking in the mornings but the flashbacks & depressive bouts are getting less. I have more time to do the things i actually enjoy doing & lead a much calmer life, though I have to be careful not to get too anxious about unexpected things that come up & try to live for the day rather than lamenting the past which has seemed like a battle my whole life, or worry about the future which is unknown. I guess i've always known my parents & my husband's parents were emotionally immature but never realised it was actually a thing & that that was what it's called - i just thought they behaved like children having tantrums & never realised that the damage we suffered was actually caused by it. I'm glad i came across this video - thank you for the explanations which are clear & insightful.
Beadingbellle thank you for posting. That's quite a lot to go through especially fearing your daughter was turning in you. I'm so glad your husband n daughter have seen the light n you are improving. Cptsd is a real thing n effects your whole limbic system.
@@brandyk Thank you. Some days are harder than others, esp when i get an added illness. Trying to stay positive & keep hope alive is sometimes difficult.
@beadingbelle3486 Sorry that you had to go through all that you did. I too was raised in an abusive household and a lifetime of walking on eggshells eventually led to me developing ME/CFS, fibromyalgia,C-PTSD, MCAS, Hashimoto's etc. I'm so glad you've begun to heal.
@@katnisseverdeen2.016 I'm so sorry you were raised in an abusive household too, but glad you have started to heal. I wish you well on your healing journey.
Being the center could be immediately do to having been spoiled OR it could be due to trauma, where the person is forced to focus on themselves and their needs exclusively bc they lack a supportive environment and/or are having to distract and dissociate in order to not panic.
That overview was so helpful… both my mom and my dad are emotionally immature… this explains why I always notice they are both such good citizens outside of their neglectful parenting… ugh
Management, in my opinion, hinges on very strong personal boundaries and then endeavouring to create a workable relationship around these. There will never be the close emotional connection people always crave, it simply isn't possible with these individuals - a child cannot be a parental figure and at te core of these people they are "children". Magical thinking and all. You (we) are just as entitled to have our feelings or desires respected - as what "they" are. No healthy relationship exists without mutual respect.
This just explained the story of my entire life even now as an adult why I have struggled as a people pleaser and parentified child. I’m finally sending an email to my mom as a last effort to show her how parentified I was and how her immaturity has affected me now as an adult. Damn this hurts but the revelations is changing my life!
Well this explains everything! How healing to see this video. I had to watch it twice because the first time I cried too much! Second time I took notes. Thank you so much 🙏🙏
*My Brother 'adopted' one of our beautiful little Sisters and I 'adopted' the baby Sister. We did this at the early ages of maybe 9 and 8. We did our best, in the household of our physically present-mentally absent Parents. Both 'adopted' girls are well-off and successful, better than us. Our Parents were often busy, with loud discussions, irrational behavior and reactions, due to their discovery, of their partner's independent decisions, especially in the areas of finance, hobbies and socialising. We protected and taught our Siblings, for as long as we were still at home. Then they were on their own, which was also not ideal. I became the Internalizer and my Brother, the Externalizer. Finally, I understand that. We distanced ourselves far from home. One Sister distanced herself, due to arguments and brutality of my Father. One Sister was around to comfort and protect my Mom, due to Dad's infidelity. My Brother stayed 30 to 50 miles away. I went 8000 miles away, with no return, but we Siblings communicate and care.
I am relieved to hear this checklist, because I have kept trying so hard to connect with my significant other, but can never discuss anything to do with behaviours they exhibit which hurt me. I won't keep trying so hard nor will I keep blaming myself or accepting blaming from them.
I identify with your situation. Once I worked on myself and came to realize it was not me I found a measure of peace and am living my best life in a not-good situation. RUclips videos by Leslie Vernick have been an excellent source as well.
My mother is verbally abusive, and my father is very judgmental of me. He excuses my mothers extreme tantrums, and his own nasty anger towards me. Never understood how they qualified to adopt me. They named me the same name as their first daughters who died at 3 days old of blue baby syndrome. I always think she was the smart one to exit the body, and not deal with these lunatics. I naturally never sized up to the dead on, and was chastised for having my own personality. They’re 82 years old, and I truly will on feel relief when they’re gone. I’m sorry, but they were cruel, unlovable, and very selfish. I wish them well, and a long life, but I truly have no desire to see them ever again.
Same dynamic. My mother was very emotionally immature, couldn’t look at her own behavior for even half a second. My father was a bit more self aware but not great, and would instantly defend my mother and her outbursts against us. Our entire lives were centered around them, and the second we tried to create a boundary it was “you don’t care about our family, look at all we’ve done for you”. I knew it was toxic but it took me years of burning out and blowing up before I left. My marriage with my wife was on the rocks because I took home all my frustration to my relationship with her. We got away from them a few weeks ago and life is peaceful
This is so amazing. Thank you for the great interview. Dr. Gibson’s books have changed my life. I feel like this was a condensed version of highlights that I can review quickly whenever I need a reminder until I can make this all sink in fully ❤
I went no contact with my emotionally immature mother because I was tired of being an afterthought. Everything is about her, and she doesn’t give two sh*ts about my inner world. Not to mention her emotional outbursts are just plain crazy. Of course she painted herself as the victim and made it look like I’m just making a mountain of a mole hill. She has zero capacity to look at her own actions critically. Everything is always someone else’s fault.
This conversation has allowed me to understand what was going on with my mother and why she punished me for explaining an oceanic feeling I was experiencing at about 2 years. She shamed me verbally and made me stand in front of the drape, which was her way of sending me to the corner. This began my hate for her that has not dissipated after 76 years and she is dead more than 12 years. The mystery is finding the light, maybe my heart will as well, eventually.
Too late...she is dead. Never will be able to talk and reconcile...your choice...maybe others can learn from your bad choice! Your soul will never find peace ... very sad...
@@corimeadows5063 yes... same... and i'm older... djeez, also i do realise they can't couln't help it (especially my mom, my father gets dragged into the mess tho), kind regards from Belgium
That’s exactly the way I feel too. It felt like my parents refused to see the obvious for my entire life. I just cut contact with them a few weeks ago and my last breakdown was my venting to my wife saying “why can’t they see this??? Why am I the only one”
The lack we experience, that our mind and bodily tells us about, is a lack of vocabulary to express what we are feeling. Outwardly we are told we are wrong for the feelings we have. And we don't have words to realistically express ourselves inwardly. This stuff really should be taught in elementary. Give children a vocabulary so they don't have to suffer in silence.
There's a complexity for the reasons why people act how they do- with whom, and when. I have a great case study, my 10 siblings, my parents= 12 of us interacting over a long time. I have seen more than my share of toxic, dysfunction, triangulation, gaslighting, harm, scapegoatism, etc. Father a coersive narcissist as told by mother when i was about twelve. It's a tangled web and a hall of mirrors, it's nonsensical, harmful, insidious and just so harmful and destructive to a person's soul and spirit to experience these creatures. I felt disconnected as a child and found a way to "fit in" by becoming the little parent- the helper; raising the 5 younger siblings. This gave me a place, a reason and recognition until school.
Both my mother and father unfortunately act like teenagers… the arguments, reactions to everything.. Now I’m in my 30s with my own kids I just shake my head.
I really like Dr Gibbons’ in-a-nutshell explanation at the beginning of what EIPs are. I thought I had come to a point of acceptance and was managing my relationship with my mom really well until I had my baby. Every time I’ve seen her since I gave birth I’ve felt anger and I also end up getting physically sick somehow. Cutting ties is probably what I should do, but that’s not something I can do easily for various reasons so I really don’t know what to do other than to look for an energy coach because I’m starting to wonder if my mom’s just so toxic that her mere presence in my proximity makes me sick. If anyone has the same experience please share any suggestions 🙏🏻
This is not only towards narcs. There are plenty of emotionally immature parents when you are a teen having a baby and your brain hasn't matured yet. Also when people passed that trew generations. There was no way to learn this- until we start doing personal development work on our own. This podcast helps lots of us . 🎉Thank you.
All people come to terms on their own time. Love one another. If your mature enough to see your more mature than your parents, your mature enough to love others unconditionally.
Yup.. I wrote poetry about al of these issues, long before I knew what was happening/had happened, objectively. Thank you so much for putting it so clearly back to me.
Crikey, im an interliser, but have been in conflict with my parents all the same and 'don't care' about people's feelings, as it's too much hard work to manage everyone's emotional reactions, including my own..
As usual Dr. Gibson makes great points and i think it's great that she's not encouraging everyone to give up on their family and estrange themselves. However I'd like to point out rhat nuch if thid has as much to do with not nust the individual but the family as a whole. Only children have a different experience than o e with siblings or even a middle child. Their is often triangulation that goes on n a power differential. Are the parents together in a more powerful way or divorced where the parents are more likely to be open to hearing you n treating you respectfully perhaps bc yiu vet along just fine with the other parent. Not all if this is something their fully aware if but it shapes the interaction. As the only single sibling at the time anyway of the 3 of us n with a very wealthy sister n regular income brother who both had chikdren, thus my parents grandchildren, they were less likely to do anything that made them uncomfortable or to self reflect because at rhe tine anyway they were getting along well enough with them n they after all had the grandkids. Had i been an only child, i seriously doubt they would have treated me as poorly n been as dismissive of .y concerns n objections to their remarks n behaviors. Finally I'd like to point out the other reason why estrangement may be necessary in some cases which is that setting boundaries and explaining your position is not only going to make them angry in the moment they will build up a great deal of resentment towards you no matter how much they try to bury it n act like they're ok. When they are frustrated or down or aggravated about other thibgs in their life, they will have huge inclination to take it out on you n it may seem out of the blue but its really not. They have just kept their feelings under wraps. No parent wants to think that they were bad parents which is exactly how an emotionally immature person will take any feedback or criticism. It will not go by unnoticed or acted upon. They will simply wait. If the individual has superficial but in the surface anyway decent enough relationship with the other family members,they are not going to ever rock those boats knowing those relationships would not likely survive honestly either so they lash out on the scapegoat. They may even think they love this person n in their iwn way they may but their anger n frustrations have to go somewhere and it will be directed towards you. For many years ny mother was angry at me for what she thinks us me not forgiving ber n holding on to things. I cabt exactly says sge us wrong but the truth is she can't forgive herself so even if i did cirgive ber sge would still be abgry at ne and act out in passive agreessve ways for maning ber feel like a bad mother. It's complicated stuff just dont think their wont be payback for setting boundaries.
My parents frequently asked me, "What's wrong with you?". I've been trying to learn some stress reduction techniques and an ad for Dr. Gibson's book showed up in my search and I eventually ended up here. This video alone has helped me tremendously.
I wonder how many people who have little or no EQ are high functioning autism. It was difficult at first to understand a person with high functioning autistic people versus a narcissist since a person with autismis good at mirroring behavior. I would highly recommend learning more about high functioning autism. I believe a lot of people who are labeled as narcissistic are individuals with high functioning autism. A high functioning autistic person has high IQ with little or no EQ. It's heart breaking since these people really are missing the emotional gene. It's like blaming someone for being blind saying if you would just try harder you can see. You're just not trying hard enough. It's difficult for people with EQ to see since the high functioning autistic people hides it so well by avoiding you and push you away because they literally don't see it. So if this is the case, telling a blind person to see, ie. telling a high functioning autistic person to connect with me emotionally, is a condition that is paralyzing for them and their relationships because it is not well understood and they are seen as this mean person instead of the reality they have emotional blindness. They fall through the gap because they don't understand their own condition. You can't see what you can't see.
I told my father that I wasn’t going to stay at the family home on holiday and he didn’t speak to me or my children and all my relatives cut me out of their lives for 10 years. You sound like a very civilised person but wow some of these people are completely unreasonable and you cannot negotiate life with them.
So how do we self reflect and find compassion for people like this? This is to find peace with the situation rather then go through a cycle of choosing guilt or resentment. I’m talking about going much deeper within yourself to understand they too have traumas that stunted their emotional intelligence which resulted in lost children within adult bodies. Especially if they are our parents. “The best of you are the best to their families, and I am the best to my family.” Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 3895 Is it not best to be a reflection of your own character rather than theirs?
P.s I don’t blame myself, I don’t need anyone to validate me, I know what is right and how to treat people, I have done lots of self healing for years.
It is important to recognize that every parent does the best they can with whatever resources they have - whether internal or external. Parents often parent through their own childhood trauma. I’ve worked with children and families for over ten years and the majority of my work has been with the parents. Making the parents feel understood and heard is always crucial to assisting them with seeing how their own behaviors are negatively impacting their child’s behaviors. These are typically parents who felt neglected, abused, and devalued as children themselves. So whenever there is conflict, they revert back to that hurt child and lash out.
How do you get the parent to even see that they need help though? They think they know it all even at 70 years old, never willing to admit to themselves that have any issue?
@@sevencasper9016 The best you can do is decide how you will respond to them. You can't change them, but you can modify your own responses so that what your parent does is less upsetting to you. At 70 years old it is unlikely they will change.
What happens when you are married to one for many years? I can see how this can be mistaking looked at as narcissism- when this could be the “shield” they hide behind
I didn't really start to understand how terribly immature and narcissistic my mother was or how bad of an enabler my father was until I got married. My wife's great relationship with her parents and our great relationship with each other made me say to myself "Wow. My parents were kind of fucked up, weren't they?" Even now I'll mention something offhand that my mother would do, and my wife will be like, "She....what??"
A problem I'd notice was they could identify and empathize with fictional characters well. But when that same or similar situation was happening in their very lives, there would be no empathy.
Thank you for this talk. I have a girlfriend and i am confident that she experienced childhood trauma from her parents. She ended up being anorexia so that alone tells me that there's problems. So very sad.
You are probably correct. Most mental health issues can be directly traced to how a person was treated by their parents as a child. Eating disorders, stress and anxiety issues as well as substance abuse or other addictions are all greatly increased outcomes of children in a dysfunctional family systems.
This is great stuff thank you for posting this 😊 can you comment on your thoughts/views about whether narcissism is the twin of emotional immaturity ie they always come together as a set or they are mostly separate? I don’t know enough hence asking. Thanks
I’m wondering why my emotionally immature mother treated my younger sister a bit differently than me. Mother seemed to have more empathy towards her and would have what seemed to me “normal” conversations. She definitely fits the profile and I saw myself in the Dr Lindsey’s book but hmmmm…..why the difference?
mindfulness has been the greatest thing i've ever learned in order to understand my own emotions better. look it up for yourself, i'm not nearly a good enough teacher to be able to give you the advice you need. also self reflection, as they talk about in the video.
Self awareness and learning about these issues is key. If you think our parents were bad, you should’ve seen their parents. Hopefully every generation we will get better
Yes. But not all emotionally immature are truly narcissistic. Some walk the other way and become avoidant or anxious in relationships. Some in an abusive way of others. Others of themselves.
my face when she started talking about the feeling of loneliness and hostility about my inner world: 😦 i bought her book on Amazon before i even got halfway through this video.
My father summed it up telling me my problem is that I’m just not loveable. My mother agreed. I was 45 years old and had spent years in therapy. In that moment I realized two things- I am more mature than either of my parents. And neither of them really know what love is.
wow totally unfair. Sorry that happened to you. Is it possible that they were projecting their own problems and self-doubt onto you?
Hope you got away from them.
Same but it was in the words “you’re a nothing-you NEED to know that” and mother saying nothing but standing by him. Sick people
My response is fuck them they are arrogant and self serving.
❤
On the outside my parents looked normal but behind closed doors I was being raised by forever 4 yr olds. By the time I was 10 I knew I was more mature than them but yet I was trapped being dictated to by 4 yr olds. I am 56 yrs old and its amazing I am functional at all.
I had that sense of deep loneliness.
Credit us due here, definitely give it to yourself.
Really 👏!
I can totally relate to that❤
Omg so relatable with how the child has to never rock the boat, or the stressed out parent quickly becomes all high strung and stiff. The parentified child learns to people please to stay safe. So that's where my fawn- type personality originated.
Mother said to me, "We knew how to get you to do anything we wanted...just ignore you, ." Neither of my parents should ever have had children. Their children were there to do their bidding...to serve them. I was extremely parentified. This video brought up a lot of pain. But I'm thankful that someone could put my childhood into words.
yes, same here. except it was threatening to leave me. the sharpest tool in the kit of an emotionally deficient parent is threatening abandonment
I was raised by emotionally immature parents and when I had my own child, I panicked. I realized I was a total mess: anxious and emotionally immature and still am immature. I've been in therapy for years, dealing with my anxiety and learning how to be a better mom, but I have to say, it's a constant growth opportunity for me. I regularly come across things with my own child that stump me. I just had no roadmap on how to 'adult' and I've been working hard to learn it on my own as I go. Dr. Gibson is a beacon!
Kuddos for your self awareness and taking the necessary steps to learn and grow❣️
You're doing amazing work! Most individuals don't step up to deal with these issues. It takes hard work and courage to heal and change.
I started reading How To Be An Adult and it stuck with me how little my parents prepared me for anything in the real world. We become incredibly self reliant growing up outside of a solid family system, purely out of necessity. Growing up either too slow or fast. Taking on roles which at the time were never meant to be ours to hold.
Healing ❤️🩹 continues until your last breath. Thank God for RUclips & Dr. Lindsey for her body of work. I still cry & grieve at 62 b/c I never had healthy relationships with my parents. 😢. Still hurts.
Both of my parents come from homes with abusive mother figures and kind/loving fathers with their own issues (one was an active alcoholic, and the other was gone working all the time). Unfortunately, this rings so true. My parents love me and would charge into hell with a water pistol for me, but I never knew which parent I was getting. Kind and funny Daddy or vicious and scary Daddy? Happy and sweet Mama or angry and manipulative Mama? Hurt people hurt people, I know, but it's just... I shouldn't have been the family counselor at 6, 7, 8 years old. I shouldn't have had to be the one to say, "Wait wait wait. There's other possible reasons for them doing that. Let's not jump to conclusions without any information," or "Be patient with the drive through attendants at Burger King. They're trying their best. Smile at them instead," or "Please don't talk about my sister like that. Not to me."
I bawled through this whole video while my normal as apple pie husband stroked my back. Thank you so much. I finally feel -seen-.
Prayers for you❤ it sounds like you're on a good path for healing.
Food for thought... I bet your grandmother's didn't think that their husband's were kind and loving 😕 not emotionally available (silent treatment/no communication/no problem resolution skills) is just as toxic and damaging and abusive as the abuse you saw in your grandmother's. Its just covert, not as obvious. I would even venture out to say that there was probably manipulation, gaslighting and invalidating from your grandpa's towards your grandmas... and probably disrespect coming from both directions.
My thoughts coming from my own experiences unfortunately.
Wow yes, my thoughts exactly. Well said. Thank you ❤.
Wow.
Off topic: I like your style of writing.
Oh my goodness some of your story spoke directly to me, always feeling why it’s up to me to get my parents properly socialized. Shouldn’t it have been them showing me how to get along peacefully in the world?
Great conversation. As a therapist the Emotionally Immature Parent is the bible. Dr. Gibson is a national treasure.
No, she is an international treasure.
Typing through my tears... An ENORMOUS bubble of emotion just came up in me as I listened to Dr. Gibson talk about the Still Face Experiment and how an infant actively tries to reengage their mother. Obviously I cannot remember my infancy, but this had to have happened to me. I had to have buried it deep in my subconscious to have this strong of a reaction to hearing Dr, Gibson's words. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for conducting and posting the interview. The more I clean out of my subconscious, the better!
❤️
I see so much advice nowadays saying “Stop blaming your parents for your flaws and trauma.” I can see how blame can hold you back, but isn’t it good to recognize where trauma came from? I’m so confused
It’s not about blame, dear one. It’s only always about healing your own wounds & perceived shortcomings. And, yes, it’s healthy to know the root source of it all so that you know where to start the work of healing yourself. You may find inner child work & reparenting work helpful. There are so many tools & great resources on RUclips now. Also, if you have body dis-ease or unusual symptoms, you may find Bessel Van
Der Kolk’s work on “The body keeps the score” helpful and Pete Walker’s books on trauma healing are wonderful. The point is not to blame but that you truly cannot move on until you have actually processed the trauma effectively.
All my best to you on your healing journey. 💐
@@time2bherenow Thank you lovely human. Screenshotting this comment for references.
We suddenly or slowly realize that it's us....not them. We have the issues and we now know how we got them. But it's no longer on them. It's on us to heal and shame.
Here's the thing:: compassion. Somebody hurt your parents. It's OK to blame where blame is due - for a while. Then to move forward, understand your parents were broken....likely because something adverse broke them. Which is sad.
I always imagine in my mind how I’m going to nicely say whatever I know my mother in law will not be agreeable to, but when I state it, she always responds different than how I practiced in my head that it might turn out. She can never accept anything other than what she wants of me. I think she thinks I was born for her to control. Once I started just not being afraid of her, and told her frankly and firmly what I was going to do or not do, she started getting quiet and not arguing as much. I know she takes her anger to others about me not giving into every desire she has, now rather than to me, because she can’t control me. The older I’ve gotten I feel proud of myself to not let myself be controlled by her. She leaves me alone for the most part now and is focused on others. Once a month she’ll reach out to see if she can start something new but I’ve made myself unavailable. It’s sad because I truly love her and always wanted a close relationship with her but it was only close on her terms if I believed exactly like her And she could intimidate me to always be submissive to her every whim. After 30 years I’m over it.
Sounds like you and she are in a power struggle. She may be jealous that her child loves you and married you...she's possessive about her child and expects that she since she controlled him she's thus entitled to control you too. She is too frightened to admit that he and you are adults whom no one is entitled to control. She's mainly comfortable in a controlling maternal role and doesn't want to grow. So anything you say, she disagrees automatically because she is scared that her child loves you and therefore might abandon her or not need her anymore. She probably has no other main interests or roles in life except being a parent. She is frozen or lazy emotionally. She's in a lonely place.
How to overcome her resistance? If you still want to try, consider bonding with her in a favorite pastime like cooking, gardening, needlework, walking, or anything that interests you both. Ask her advice or opinions. She may be suspicious for awhile. Try gentle sincere compliments too, and perhaps thoughtful small gifts or cards. If you can gently compliment her in front of others, that can be helpful. Be patient. Try not to respond or engage if she tries to do the power struggle. Smile gently as if you thought she was joking, for example. Make a point of sharing your spouse an any grandchildren in an activity with her. Be patient, and good luck.
Bravo, courageous one!
I feel like I have to suppress my strength around my Dad. Like I have to be submissive to make my Dad not feel threatened. Did you feel this way around your mother-in-law?
I can sooo relate to this….
This video has made me cry. But it also has given me so much peace and soothing. Thanks so much.
Absolutely soooooo comforting knowing that Dr Linsay has such a great understanding and support in this area where one feels emotionally challenged. Realising that I have the right to do in my life the things that make me happy. Parents have such an awful control on their children when they themselves are emotionally immature ....... thank you both for such words of great comfort blessing and love very grateful.........
Excellent interview. Wise insight. The observations about 'parentified children' are especially poignant. The strange reversal of the child having to study and navigate the parent's emotional minefield, to learn not to set it off, and to help the parent 'feel good about herself'.
Takes a long time to take personal responsibility for our OWN happiness….regardless of others. We are all responsible for our own inner world. We are not here to please others.🙏💙
I think it goes from generation to generation.. Not being comfortable with closeness.. Closeness is a natural urge but we are also social beings internalizing the values and patterns of our family... I have longed for closeness my whole life but at the same time I have avoided it... Very sad.. A deep routed longing and fear of closeness.
This is me and it's an awful existence
@@isabellesantos7186i can relate too.
I just want to say how much this video made me feel connected to my inner child in a way that I have not experienced before. Thank you for sharing and to anyone else who has experienced life through this lense you are not alone ❤
This... Literally explained ALL of my problems I felt growing up and am still dealing with now.
THANK GOD for the Internet and people like Lindsay
Even the fact I had KIDNEY issues (water) and the fact of being "dried up" just worked eat too well
It reminds me of a Disney movie where someone was described as emotionally constipated. That's been my experience. It never goes anywhere and it's like hanging out in a kiddie pool when you want to dive in and see and express much more than the veneer of life.
YES!!! it felt like life was always dimmed out for me while everyone else was living vibrantly.
How about a follow up book, “Spouses of the Adult Children of Emotionally Immature People”?
Stonewalling to avoid facing shame and mortification is narcissistic behavior.
Thank you for this conversation; I’m healing from my childhood and neither of my parents can acknowledge the dysfunction. It’s so painful because how can things change and how do you move on from this?!🥴
I was called a wise child…and my mom would come to me for advice. It was so suffocating. I get overwhelmed by people who are needy like her.
She recognizes and appreciates your capacity for empathy. Just consider making boundaries with her needs. Try enlightening her about empathy and boundaries. You may be pleasantly surprised by a new enjoyable emotional intimacy with her.
@@pepperbird1212 thank you. 🤍
I also had an emotional vampire for a mother. I feel the same.
I had to take care of my egg donor from a very early age. First, by having no needs or stuffing them and then physically cooking cleaning, shopping etc. If you did speak up, she was intentionally vicious. I didnt come into my own until she passed. I learn more everyday and this is like mana from heaven. Thank you.
This was the book that turned it around for me. What bllessing
Same!
Thank you both so much for this. I finally achieved acceptance, albeit painfully. My abusive alcoholic father died. I tried to relate to my enabler mother, who was always zoned out on prescription drugs, and my narcisstic 13 years older sister. Finally I gave up and accepted that I would never have an honest or caring relationship. I was the Scapegoat. They always ganged up on me. They were also jealous of my self achieved education and financial success. It became too painful and frustrating to deal with because their behavior never changed. Luckily I escaped to another city which helped me distance myself emotionally. I stopped expecting any positive responses from them.
I feel seen for the first time in my life hearing about this. Thank you ❤😢
The best way to manage the relationship to them: zero contact.
Indeed. I've had to do that with my parents (my mom the emotionally abusive one, and my dad the emotionally absent one).
I have emotional scars from those times still, but in recent times if I have moments where certain repressed memories come back I learn to not push them away. Embracing and understanding them is the key to recovery.
It’s hard because they are your parents. And they are going to die. And you don’t want regrets. So you keep them around.
@@Lcn-m6j It’s very hard.♥I told my lovely husband that I feel like I might not cry when my parents die, but just be relieved. It’s a horrible thought cause then I think what’s wrong with me, am I a monster? But I cried and cried when my grandparents died, so I know I can love just fine. My grandparents didn’t even “know” me that much, it’s not like they played with me or anything, but they were around and kind and didn’t dump their problems on me. For that I loved them like crazy. My own parents have parentified me since childhood and I just feel empty with nothing left to give.
My mum died and so much drama went with her. And contact with other toxic people
@@LilyMunstar0223 was her death catha my parents are still alive and I feel when they pass or I pass, that it will be painful because of the reality that never was.
That segment - from 2 minutes to 10 minutes - should be its own video. That was an excellent overview of the whole dynamic.
I've read your book, and now reading it for the second time and I must say I've learnt to know myself better and learnt to understand others better 🙏🏽💯 thanks Dr
"Old soul" here. I feel like I've lost myself in ensuring that the household is calm and effective. I know that both my parents were not ready to be parents when they had my sibling and I, and I hold some resentment to them. The rest of my life has been difficult making genuine connections with people and deeper more connective relationships. Within the family and extended family I would lash out. I was considered the problem child because my behaviors drew attention to the negative things happening in my life(which was never acknowledged or discussed). In turn, I was viewed by other members of extended family as a "brat". As the person I've become and am continuing to discover today, I have found that standing my ground and holding firm with my boundaries have helped maintain a more healthy relationship with them. Never hold onto toxic relationships, no matter the connection you may have with them. It is painful, but in the end, if it is harmful to your well-being and personal development it is not worth the destress, trauma or shame that comes with it. Of course, do not make these decisions lightly and if you have access to mental health supports use them to help you make these decisions.
Old soul = parentified child
Old soul ? Says who?
Makes me so sad. NO, NPD do NOT change. If they reach out about estrangement, it's only that they want their supply back not because they finally acknowledged the damage they did to warrant it.
Exactly!
Yes well said. My father sends texts to me saying “I’m eager to talk to you” but really it’s just so he can get attention, continue on with the abusive patterns and the result will be that I’m physically drained.
Thank you for the very good and I would say accurate explanation of the logic and background of "co-dependents" / the fawn (re)action / the "good girl" syndróm. Because I feel there IS a lot of shaming these days like: co-dependents are "manipulatívne" and as if it's their fault for being chosen by narcicissts... thank you again!
It's a dynamic. Codependent have their reasons for staying.
I had the same opinion as the host. I didn't think I'd hear anything I didn't already know in her book. Wow, was I wrong. Her book is brilliant. It totally changed my perception of myself and how I was raised.
You have such a thoughtful and relaxed demeanor Monique. I enjoy your interviewing style.
My father was a violent narc, my mother a weak, socially inept enabler. I was their mediator from a young age, trying to keep them on an even keel as the slightest thing would set them off. I was also, without realising it, my mother's therapist for many years. I was conditioned to always put others first (mainly my parents, but others too if it meant it made the family look good)- to the extent that i had the belief that if it was hurting then it must be doing me good. I married out of one dysfunctional family into another where the roles were reversed - the mother was the manipulative controlling one, but covert rather than overt like my father, & her husband was the weak enbler. My husband & i were the scapegoats, both our brothers were the golden child. My mil hated me for taking her 'little boy' away from her & made sure the same thing wouldn't happen with her other son so he never had a life but was strapped to her until the day she died. She would sulk, withdraw & act like a child in the playground over the slightest thing & if she couldn't get her own way, which meant she generally did, whereas my father would yell, slam doors, bang & crash things, lash out with his fists, as well as sulk for weeks. My mental & physical health got worse & worse as the years went by with having to deal with the ridiculous immature behaviours of both sets of parents, dealing with my husband who was still very mother-enmeshed, & trying to raise my young daughter in a completeky different way to that in which we were raised so she didn't have the insufferable problems we had when growing up. I was also very bullied right the way through school & even in college so never knew what i'd be walking into at the start or end of the day. My daughter was in danger of becoming like my mil & golden child brother combined & started to reject me & side with her father who was afraid to upset her in any way (like he was with his mother) so he gave into her every whim & wish. I had terrible bouts of depression, anxiety, & panic attacks. In the end, my brain & body just gave up & completely broke down - i couldn't get out of bed for three years. I was diagnosed with M.E., fibromyalgia, & eventually cptsd. Most of the abusers in my life have now pased away, the so called 'friends' i thought i had in my adult life who i now realised were also narcisists, have moved on as i outlived my usefulness to them, my husband & daughter eventually grew up & saw & understood the reality of the situarion in both families, so i now have good relationships with both my husband & daughter (after 46yrs), so feel i am eventually starting to slowly heal. I still sometimes wake up shaking in the mornings but the flashbacks & depressive bouts are getting less. I have more time to do the things i actually enjoy doing & lead a much calmer life, though I have to be careful not to get too anxious about unexpected things that come up & try to live for the day rather than lamenting the past which has seemed like a battle my whole life, or worry about the future which is unknown. I guess i've always known my parents & my husband's parents were emotionally immature but never realised it was actually a thing & that that was what it's called - i just thought they behaved like children having tantrums & never realised that the damage we suffered was actually caused by it. I'm glad i came across this video - thank you for the explanations which are clear & insightful.
Beadingbellle thank you for posting. That's quite a lot to go through especially fearing your daughter was turning in you. I'm so glad your husband n daughter have seen the light n you are improving. Cptsd is a real thing n effects your whole limbic system.
@@brandyk Thank you. Some days are harder than others, esp when i get an added illness. Trying to stay positive & keep hope alive is sometimes difficult.
@@beadingbelle3486wow, this is so similar to my own experience. Thank you for sharing & hugs to you 🩷
@beadingbelle3486 Sorry that you had to go through all that you did. I too was raised in an abusive household and a lifetime of walking on eggshells eventually led to me developing ME/CFS, fibromyalgia,C-PTSD, MCAS, Hashimoto's etc. I'm so glad you've begun to heal.
@@katnisseverdeen2.016 I'm so sorry you were raised in an abusive household too, but glad you have started to heal. I wish you well on your healing journey.
Brilliant understanding of this subject. I'm clearly the internalizer. This is a lifelong cross.
Being the center could be immediately do to having been spoiled OR it could be due to trauma, where the person is forced to focus on themselves and their needs exclusively bc they lack a supportive environment and/or are having to distract and dissociate in order to not panic.
That overview was so helpful… both my mom and my dad are emotionally immature… this explains why I always notice they are both such good citizens outside of their neglectful parenting… ugh
Management, in my opinion, hinges on very strong personal boundaries and then endeavouring to create a workable relationship around these. There will never be the close emotional connection people always crave, it simply isn't possible with these individuals - a child cannot be a parental figure and at te core of these people they are "children". Magical thinking and all.
You (we) are just as entitled to have our feelings or desires respected - as what "they" are. No healthy relationship exists without mutual respect.
This just explained the story of my entire life even now as an adult why I have struggled as a people pleaser and parentified child. I’m finally sending an email to my mom as a last effort to show her how parentified I was and how her immaturity has affected me now as an adult. Damn this hurts but the revelations is changing my life!
Oh yes. Emotional loneliness indeed. Story of my life, sadly 😞
Big Hugs to you sister ❤
Well this explains everything! How healing to see this video. I had to watch it twice because the first time I cried too much! Second time I took notes. Thank you so much 🙏🙏
*My Brother 'adopted' one of our beautiful little Sisters and I 'adopted' the baby Sister. We did this at the early ages of maybe 9 and 8. We did our best, in the household of our physically present-mentally absent Parents. Both 'adopted' girls are well-off and successful, better than us. Our Parents were often busy, with loud discussions, irrational behavior and reactions, due to their discovery, of their partner's independent decisions, especially in the areas of finance, hobbies and socialising. We protected and taught our Siblings, for as long as we were still at home. Then they were on their own, which was also not ideal.
I became the Internalizer and my Brother, the Externalizer. Finally, I understand that. We distanced ourselves far from home. One Sister distanced herself, due to arguments and brutality of my Father. One Sister was around to comfort and protect my Mom, due to Dad's infidelity. My Brother stayed 30 to 50 miles away. I went 8000 miles away, with no return, but we Siblings communicate and care.
I think the way Lindsay describes this whole subject of EI persons is excellent!!!! Thank you for making and posting this important video! 💗
I am relieved to hear this checklist, because I have kept trying so hard to connect with my significant other, but can never discuss anything to do with behaviours they exhibit which hurt me. I won't keep trying so hard nor will I keep blaming myself or accepting blaming from them.
I identify with your situation. Once I worked on myself and came to realize it was not me I found a measure of peace and am living my best life in a not-good situation. RUclips videos by Leslie Vernick have been an excellent source as well.
@@sandranovakovich688 thank you. I'll look that up.
My mother is verbally abusive, and my father is very judgmental of me. He excuses my mothers extreme tantrums, and his own nasty anger towards me. Never understood how they qualified to adopt me. They named me the same name as their first daughters who died at 3 days old of blue baby syndrome. I always think she was the smart one to exit the body, and not deal with these lunatics. I naturally never sized up to the dead on, and was chastised for having my own personality. They’re 82 years old, and I truly will on feel relief when they’re gone. I’m sorry, but they were cruel, unlovable, and very selfish. I wish them well, and a long life, but I truly have no desire to see them ever again.
As you said the truth about your parents and at the same time you mentioned that you are sorry 😞 that's the prove that you are an empathetic person.
Same dynamic. My mother was very emotionally immature, couldn’t look at her own behavior for even half a second. My father was a bit more self aware but not great, and would instantly defend my mother and her outbursts against us. Our entire lives were centered around them, and the second we tried to create a boundary it was “you don’t care about our family, look at all we’ve done for you”. I knew it was toxic but it took me years of burning out and blowing up before I left. My marriage with my wife was on the rocks because I took home all my frustration to my relationship with her. We got away from them a few weeks ago and life is peaceful
Name change
This is so amazing. Thank you for the great interview. Dr. Gibson’s books have changed my life. I feel like this was a condensed version of highlights that I can review quickly whenever I need a reminder until I can make this all sink in fully ❤
I went no contact with my emotionally immature mother because I was tired of being an afterthought. Everything is about her, and she doesn’t give two sh*ts about my inner world. Not to mention her emotional outbursts are just plain crazy. Of course she painted herself as the victim and made it look like I’m just making a mountain of a mole hill. She has zero capacity to look at her own actions critically. Everything is always someone else’s fault.
I hope that editor had a doctorate in psychology at best. Thank you for protecting your work so we can also be validated.
This conversation has allowed me to understand what was going on with my mother and why she punished me for explaining an oceanic feeling I was experiencing at about 2 years. She shamed me verbally and made me stand in front of the drape, which was her way of sending me to the corner. This began my hate for her that has not dissipated after 76 years and she is dead more than 12 years. The mystery is finding the light, maybe my heart will as well, eventually.
Too late...she is dead. Never will be able to talk and reconcile...your choice...maybe others can learn from your bad choice! Your soul will never find peace ... very sad...
@@isabellayogurte2308 WOW.. just wow. Anything else I would say here would be just as mean so I won't.
Thank you for this! A real gem of a conversation. Genuinely hope she comes back again and again for future talks.
You know my parents very well…
I spent 50 yrs saying why can't they see...well they can't see. So you can only manage them not hope they see. Just saved myself life of suffering.
very wise approach... i understand it, still it's so so painful... kind regards
I finally learned this too at age 43 after reading Dr Gibson’s book.
@@corimeadows5063 yes... same... and i'm older... djeez, also i do realise they can't couln't help it (especially my mom, my father gets dragged into the mess tho), kind regards from Belgium
That’s exactly the way I feel too. It felt like my parents refused to see the obvious for my entire life. I just cut contact with them a few weeks ago and my last breakdown was my venting to my wife saying “why can’t they see this??? Why am I the only one”
The multi-strand explanation is so helpful.
The lack we experience, that our mind and bodily tells us about, is a lack of vocabulary to express what we are feeling. Outwardly we are told we are wrong for the feelings we have. And we don't have words to realistically express ourselves inwardly. This stuff really should be taught in elementary. Give children a vocabulary so they don't have to suffer in silence.
It should be taught in elementary !! 😮
“give children a vocabulary so they don’t have to suffer in silence” THANK. YOU!!!!!
Great interview! Thanks for sharing!
There's a complexity for the reasons why people act how they do- with whom, and when. I have a great case study, my 10 siblings, my parents= 12 of us interacting over a long time. I have seen more than my share of toxic, dysfunction, triangulation, gaslighting, harm, scapegoatism, etc. Father a coersive narcissist as told by mother when i was about twelve. It's a tangled web and a hall of mirrors, it's nonsensical, harmful, insidious and just so harmful and destructive to a person's soul and spirit to experience these creatures. I felt disconnected as a child and found a way to "fit in" by becoming the little parent- the helper; raising the 5 younger siblings. This gave me a place, a reason and recognition until school.
I'm definitely an internalizer and my older sister is an externalizer 😅 a challenge in our relationship as well
Both my mother and father unfortunately act like teenagers… the arguments, reactions to everything.. Now I’m in my 30s with my own kids I just shake my head.
18:50 YES!!!!!! this was my world with my parents growing up.
I took multiple highlighter colors to that book! It was excellent. Very big kid appropriate (like 12 and up).
This is really amazing...I was tearing up all 52 minutes.
I really liked the section on Preparing for the Conversation. Very helpful!
This interview is fantastic! Such good information-
I really like Dr Gibbons’ in-a-nutshell explanation at the beginning of what EIPs are. I thought I had come to a point of acceptance and was managing my relationship with my mom really well until I had my baby. Every time I’ve seen her since I gave birth I’ve felt anger and I also end up getting physically sick somehow. Cutting ties is probably what I should do, but that’s not something I can do easily for various reasons so I really don’t know what to do other than to look for an energy coach because I’m starting to wonder if my mom’s just so toxic that her mere presence in my proximity makes me sick. If anyone has the same experience please share any suggestions 🙏🏻
This is not only towards narcs. There are plenty of emotionally immature parents when you are a teen having a baby and your brain hasn't matured yet. Also when people passed that trew generations. There was no way to learn this- until we start doing personal development work on our own.
This podcast helps lots of us . 🎉Thank you.
All people come to terms on their own time. Love one another. If your mature enough to see your more mature than your parents, your mature enough to love others unconditionally.
Yup.. I wrote poetry about al of these issues, long before I knew what was happening/had happened, objectively.
Thank you so much for putting it so clearly back to me.
Crikey, im an interliser, but have been in conflict with my parents all the same and 'don't care' about people's feelings, as it's too much hard work to manage everyone's emotional reactions, including my own..
As usual Dr. Gibson makes great points and i think it's great that she's not encouraging everyone to give up on their family and estrange themselves. However I'd like to point out rhat nuch if thid has as much to do with not nust the individual but the family as a whole. Only children have a different experience than o e with siblings or even a middle child. Their is often triangulation that goes on n a power differential. Are the parents together in a more powerful way or divorced where the parents are more likely to be open to hearing you n treating you respectfully perhaps bc yiu vet along just fine with the other parent. Not all if this is something their fully aware if but it shapes the interaction. As the only single sibling at the time anyway of the 3 of us n with a very wealthy sister n regular income brother who both had chikdren, thus my parents grandchildren, they were less likely to do anything that made them uncomfortable or to self reflect because at rhe tine anyway they were getting along well enough with them n they after all had the grandkids. Had i been an only child, i seriously doubt they would have treated me as poorly n been as dismissive of .y concerns n objections to their remarks n behaviors. Finally I'd like to point out the other reason why estrangement may be necessary in some cases which is that setting boundaries and explaining your position is not only going to make them angry in the moment they will build up a great deal of resentment towards you no matter how much they try to bury it n act like they're ok. When they are frustrated or down or aggravated about other thibgs in their life, they will have huge inclination to take it out on you n it may seem out of the blue but its really not. They have just kept their feelings under wraps. No parent wants to think that they were bad parents which is exactly how an emotionally immature person will take any feedback or criticism. It will not go by unnoticed or acted upon. They will simply wait. If the individual has superficial but in the surface anyway decent enough relationship with the other family members,they are not going to ever rock those boats knowing those relationships would not likely survive honestly either so they lash out on the scapegoat. They may even think they love this person n in their iwn way they may but their anger n frustrations have to go somewhere and it will be directed towards you. For many years ny mother was angry at me for what she thinks us me not forgiving ber n holding on to things. I cabt exactly says sge us wrong but the truth is she can't forgive herself so even if i did cirgive ber sge would still be abgry at ne and act out in passive agreessve ways for maning ber feel like a bad mother. It's complicated stuff just dont think their wont be payback for setting boundaries.
Thank you!! Thank you!!
This interview is a lifesaver!!❤️
My parents frequently asked me, "What's wrong with you?".
I've been trying to learn some stress reduction techniques and an ad for Dr. Gibson's book showed up in my search and I eventually ended up here. This video alone has helped me tremendously.
Such a hurtful thing to say to a child. The one I remember most was "who do you think you are??" I like this video too, very helpful.
Lindsay ROCKS!!!
I'm not sure when you met my parents, Lindsay G, or what inspired you to write the biography of 2 non-famous people like them, but you nailed it! Lol
19:03 OMG!!! I needed to hear this❣️ Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!! ♥️❤️♥️ 26:45 BINGO!!!
I’m looking forward to watching this. ❤
My parents have passed away. I'm not close to anyone in my family. So sad for so many years.
Mine are alive, but we're not close anymore. Talking to my brother and sister and knowing they feel the same way has helped
Does this mean that people who are emotionally immature like this is the result of a personality disorder? Is that what it is?
I wonder how many people who have little or no EQ are high functioning autism. It was difficult at first to understand a person with high functioning autistic people versus a narcissist since a person with autismis good at mirroring behavior. I would highly recommend learning more about high functioning autism. I believe a lot of people who are labeled as narcissistic are individuals with high functioning autism. A high functioning autistic person has high IQ with little or no EQ. It's heart breaking since these people really are missing the emotional gene. It's like blaming someone for being blind saying if you would just try harder you can see. You're just not trying hard enough. It's difficult for people with EQ to see since the high functioning autistic people hides it so well by avoiding you and push you away because they literally don't see it. So if this is the case, telling a blind person to see, ie. telling a high functioning autistic person to connect with me emotionally, is a condition that is paralyzing for them and their relationships because it is not well understood and they are seen as this mean person instead of the reality they have emotional blindness. They fall through the gap because they don't understand their own condition. You can't see what you can't see.
I agree, good that you bring this in!
I've felt alot of moments of emotional maturity from people with asperburgers. We had a different experience.
Great guidance,thank you
We always have to look at ourselves when we are emotionally triggered and see why.
I told my father that I wasn’t going to stay at the family home on holiday and he didn’t speak to me or my children and all my relatives cut me out of their lives for 10 years.
You sound like a very civilised person but wow some of these people are completely unreasonable and you cannot negotiate life with them.
Ow, ow! I just found you today! Thank-you so much! ❤❤
This was so beneficial to listen to. Thank you!
So how do we self reflect and find compassion for people like this? This is to find peace with the situation rather then go through a cycle of choosing guilt or resentment. I’m talking about going much deeper within yourself to understand they too have traumas that stunted their emotional intelligence which resulted in lost children within adult bodies. Especially if they are our parents.
“The best of you are the best to their families, and I am the best to my family.”
Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 3895
Is it not best to be a reflection of your own character rather than theirs?
P.s I don’t blame myself, I don’t need anyone to validate me, I know what is right and how to treat people, I have done lots of self healing for years.
It is important to recognize that every parent does the best they can with whatever resources they have - whether internal or external. Parents often parent through their own childhood trauma. I’ve worked with children and families for over ten years and the majority of my work has been with the parents. Making the parents feel understood and heard is always crucial to assisting them with seeing how their own behaviors are negatively impacting their child’s behaviors. These are typically parents who felt neglected, abused, and devalued as children themselves. So whenever there is conflict, they revert back to that hurt child and lash out.
How do you get the parent to even see that they need help though? They think they know it all even at 70 years old, never willing to admit to themselves that have any issue?
@@sevencasper9016 The best you can do is decide how you will respond to them. You can't change them, but you can modify your own responses so that what your parent does is less upsetting to you. At 70 years old it is unlikely they will change.
What happens when you are married to one for many years? I can see how this can be mistaking looked at as narcissism- when this could be the “shield” they hide behind
I didn't really start to understand how terribly immature and narcissistic my mother was or how bad of an enabler my father was until I got married. My wife's great relationship with her parents and our great relationship with each other made me say to myself "Wow. My parents were kind of fucked up, weren't they?" Even now I'll mention something offhand that my mother would do, and my wife will be like, "She....what??"
So good for you, that you and your wife both did have the abilities that are necessary to have a good relationship!
A problem I'd notice was they could identify and empathize with fictional characters well. But when that same or similar situation was happening in their very lives, there would be no empathy.
For my mother it is babies and animals. She shows much care, concern and empathy for them. I’m standing right beside her feeling invisible.
Thank you for this talk. I have a girlfriend and i am confident that she experienced childhood trauma from her parents. She ended up being anorexia so that alone tells me that there's problems. So very sad.
You are probably correct. Most mental health issues can be directly traced to how a person was treated by their parents as a child. Eating disorders, stress and anxiety issues as well as substance abuse or other addictions are all greatly increased outcomes of children in a dysfunctional family systems.
This is great stuff thank you for posting this 😊 can you comment on your thoughts/views about whether narcissism is the twin of emotional immaturity ie they always come together as a set or they are mostly separate? I don’t know enough hence asking. Thanks
I was rejected from birth. My mother likes to laugh at a story that she told the nurse to take me away so she could watch her soap operas.
Good book!
I’m wondering why my emotionally immature mother treated my younger sister a bit differently than me. Mother seemed to have more empathy towards her and would have what seemed to me “normal” conversations. She definitely fits the profile and I saw myself in the Dr Lindsey’s book but hmmmm…..why the difference?
You should do more videos.
If we are raised by emotionally immature parents, how can we be any different? We will be undeveloped emotionally.
mindfulness has been the greatest thing i've ever learned in order to understand my own emotions better. look it up for yourself, i'm not nearly a good enough teacher to be able to give you the advice you need. also self reflection, as they talk about in the video.
Shows like this, prayer, Bible reading, therapy
Self awareness and learning about these issues is key. If you think our parents were bad, you should’ve seen their parents. Hopefully every generation we will get better
Yeah this is like the child that becomes king they sit there and everyone plays the game with them isn't it
So narcissists are just emotionally immature adults?
Yes. But not all emotionally immature are truly narcissistic. Some walk the other way and become avoidant or anxious in relationships. Some in an abusive way of others. Others of themselves.
my face when she started talking about the feeling of loneliness and hostility about my inner world: 😦
i bought her book on Amazon before i even got halfway through this video.
“…that deep, best friend, mate level…” - I don’t think I exist at that level