Not to sound arrogant but I enjoyed telling my first born I loved him and always made time for him with daily hugs. 10 years ago when he was 28 yrs old we had a minor debate over nothing big. He told me he was cutting me out of his life and not to ever contact him. Every Holiday I spent time crying and missing him. I felt very depressed and often prayed he was ok. July 2020 I got a call and was shocked hearing a voice saying Mom this is your son and I never stopped loving you and he wanted me to forgive him for being so cruel. Ofcourse I burst into tears and more tears flowed hearing a toddler voice saying. Hi Gamma. Hi Gamma. My son informed me it was my grandson who was 4 years old and never knew about him. I was so over joyed
As grand parents/grandparents we take it all to Jane then back in our lives regardless of what happens. Especially a grand child😍 but that's just too much time in between to wait to reach out💔😓 WE need to work it out right away before it gets this bad. I'm happy for you. But don't let your son use this against you. Talk about the change to prevent it🥰🙏👍
What did you just say? You loved, you were rejected and left brokenhearted. Your son dumps you and shows up years later with your grandchildren. Your son sounds awful. There has to be the rest of the story that's missing.
Let’s all pray for all families in the USA! I’m struggling with this too and I’m shocked at how common it is!!! Satan is really attacking our families! Let’s fight back with prayers!!❤️ We have the victory in Jesus!!!
So very true. It’s hard when you think of possibly anything that you’ve done wrong and can’t figure it out. I’ve apologized to my child for anything I’ve done wrong. He brushed it off but he’s clearly avoiding me. He’s about to move and praying he tells us where he’s moving.
Amen. We pray for restoration of families. Please pray for oldest Tony Chanchal and mom Sunita and his siblings be restored as family again. Tony be delivered from alcohol & drugs and vagabond/ homeless lifestyle. Thank you
I pray, then try to reach out to them. If their heart is hardened-closed off , then I give it to Jesus.. and try to live the best gift that Jesus has given me… life!! I refuse to let any of my children put me in an early grave 🥀🚫⚠️‼️ NO. NO. NO. NO. NO ! 💕🕊🌿🕊🥰 : }
I’ve made a lot of mistake especially being a very young mom myself. I had three kids at the age of 21 and was still very immature myself. I’ve apologized to my kids over and over for years. I’ve tried to just listen to them and support them. But it still a struggle for them to completely forgive me. I’ve built bridges over Ana over. From phone calls to lunches to deep conversations. To constant reminders of my love for them and more. And it still seems to be a struggle. I think what hurts me is we go through long periods where it feels like things are going in a positive direction and then I’m hit with more conversation on how I’ve made them feel or hurt them . And that’s what’s hard the emotional rollercoaster I’m on.
We're so sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing with your children, Patrice. Know that we'll be praying for you. Also, if you’d ever like to talk with one of our counselors on how to navigate this situation (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). Just give your number to the Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone. They will pass along your phone number to one of our professional counselors, who will return your call just as soon as they’re able. We hope to hear from you soon, friend!
@@jacquiedresser8610 that's when the adult children have another tool to torture their parents...they will withhold seeing the grandkids out of spite, not any real need to protect the grandchild from harm.
Thanks so much for sharing such helpful information. I believe because of the cancel culture, my 26 year old son has decided to cut me out of his life as his mom and friend at this stage of our parent/son relationship. I was really looking forward to the friend part of having an adult child. My heart breaks daily. I am truly grieving the loss of my son and it is so much harder grieving someone who is still alive verses my parents who are both in heaven. I pray daily for my son.
Thanks. God is restoring my relationship with my two adult kids by teaching me to love my kids and give advice when they are asking for it. Also I'm learning even as they are not serving the Lord right now for me to love them and let God do the rest.
Hi, Felicia! We are pleased that you were able to relate so personally to the content of our broadcast “Healing Parent and Adult Child Relationships.” May the Lord continue to bless, guide and encourage you as you seek Him day by day. If you ever need a listening ear, please don’t hesitate to give our counselors a call. Here’s the contact info: bit.ly/3eguwRY. Peace and blessings to you and yours!
The problem with some parents is that they see any kind of disagreement as rebellion. You could literally be quoting bible verses or even agreeing with them but as long you're not mimicking or they don't understand their reaction is violent or abusive because they equate any sort of independent thinking with disrespect, ingratitude or demonic rebellion. Sometimes the situation is hopeless not because their is no solution but because the parent is unwilling to take any kind responsibility for anything the have done. They refuse to acknowledge the damage and they are dismissive of any hurt they have caused. And you're right about manipulation. Imagine a parent initiating the conversation you the way you have suggested only to dismiss, attack and curse the child when the child shares their valid grievances based on true events. It's like the parent isn't building a bridge because they want to heal the relationship, they are trying manipulate the child so that they can continue to mistreat and control them. This is a wonderful episode and I'm praying that every adult child and parent who are willing to do the work will see this..I'm also praying for those of us who have to accept that things will not change and it's just a cross that we have to carry.
I agree, UNLESS and UNTIL there is continued abuse -- then that is enabling and the abuser will never learn their lesson. If there is a refusal of acknowledgement and there is a sensitive child with cptsd who can't handle it and makes them worse with constant reminders of multi type abuses? ....
Sometimes it's more work to maintain relationships with adult children than it was to sacrifice & raise them. Finally, I have to stop trying, live my life, be happy. The ex huzz, their father treated me with such disrespect, no courtesy. He taught my children, by his example that I'm of low value or no value. This shaped their attitudes toward me. They may or may not realize this. It stopped mattering to me a few months ago. It was a painful realization; to let them go, it took a lot of soul searching to arrive at this decision. I feel an increasing peace since then.
@@cathychase663 My sympathy for you & anyone who this happens to. I decided to cherish & love the one child I have a close, respectful, strong bond with. The other three, as much as I love them, I won't allow anyone to treat me badly, not even my own children.
@@FreeSpirit47 it's hurtful. I just have 2 and both boys. I sacrificed my life for them. Their dad was awful toward all of us. They were amazing to me until they were in late 20s. Now 30s. Don't call. Don't keep their word.. never remember me on holidays. One son lived at home till 29 and I supported him. He's supposed to come home for Xmas. Lives in Australia. Left with a note. My younger to Chicago . He was here last summer. But they know I my struggle. I can never trash them. They threw me away
@@cathychase663 It's heart breaking, I know. It's painful, it's cruel. For myself, because everyone has to decide what is right for them, I decided to change my mindset to what it might be, if I never married a narcissist, never had children. I thought, to myself, the one daughter who loves me, I will love her. I will go on, in life, doing things that make me happy. I will volunteer my time, pour my love into that. I will travel, enjoy my hobbies, do anonymous random acts of kindness. It's really tough, I know. You can do this! Lots of love to you, Cathy!
This is great, thank you. I grew up with an abusive father, and even at 92 he continues to abuse. He uses spirituality to condemn me, despite the fact that I care for him, have given of my time, finances, resources and more. I have come to a point where I can’t be around him anymore. It’s traumatizing and depleting.
Thank you for sharing so openly, friend. We're so sorry you're going through this situation. Please know that we'll remember you in our prayers. If you'd like to speak with someone for encouragement, don't hesitate to call 1-800-A-family. God be with you.
My youngest son went to college and changed so much. He became so liberal and lives in California. He and his wife weren't able to have children. He cut me out of his life 2 yrs ago, which is the last time I heard from him. He did it because I'm a Christian and for my conservative beliefs. It hurts my heart so bad, but I continue to pray for their salvation. I raised both of my sons to respect ppl and was a single Mom, but had 4 failed marriages. I am alone now and my oldest son does keep in touch with me. But my youngest has pretty much abandoned the whole family. I don't know what else to do, but pray.
Thank you for sharing your heart, Debra. We'll be praying for you and your family. May God fill you with His peace and grace in the days ahead. If you'd like to talk and pray with a caring staff member, please feel free to call 1-800-A-FAMILY. God be with you.
I do believe that the elder in the relationship has to take the lead to repair the relationship. It took me nearly two years to reconnect with a lost adult child but eventually we worked things out.
I completely agree. With my younger cousins, etc. if there’s ever a tiff between us, I feel it is my responsibility to create bridges to heal. That is because, I’ve lived longer and have more maturity, empathy and more tools to deal with difficult situations, versus someone younger than me. Therefore, I am in a better position to mend bonds, and that’s what I do. But I find that not all adults/parents think like that.
Why do you believe this? The Bible says they are on the path if destruction. Read Mark 7:9-13. Pray for those who mistreat you. If they ask for forgiveness, forgive them. I don’t see many children asking for forgiveness after dishonoring their parent.
I wanted Dr. Townsend to touch on truly difficult parents and their personality issues. No one “cuts off” parents because of a hard truth. There’s always way more going on. It’s odd that he didn’t cover that since he’s a psychologist.
Because not everyone’s situation is yours? Some kids do this because of drugs, alcohol or mental illness. That’s just naming a few. It is not always the parents fault.
Alanon Adult Children of Alcoholics-has helped millions around the world for many decades recover from resentments with parents, even when parents aren’t alcoholics.
@@psmithbell Alanon Adult Children of Alcoholics-has helped millions around the world for many decades recover from resentments with parents, even when parents aren’t alcoholics.
I also totally agree.. We were raised by parents whose parents were raised by Victorians. They learned how not to talk about their feelings. Hence all the unadressed pain. It's sad. Even at the end of their lives they can't talk about it.
humility - when parents merely acknowledge, it's a game changer. This is too shallow for me - there is so much more goin on with the generational wounds and traumas
I am a 40 year old daughter who has not spoken to my dad since the passing of my mother December 2021. My dad is an addict. I have 7 children that I have to protect because I wasn't protected when I was growing up
This is the type situation where estrangement is understandable. Most are insignificant memories blown out of proportion...that sleepover I wasn't allowed to attend in 1993 etc stuff.
Addict is a disease. Maybe some empathy would help. And your relationship with your dad can start with you. Meet on neutral ground until you can trust that he will be safe around the kids. I don’t think addiction is a reason to through your parents away. Everyone has struggles. Honor your parents is a commandment baggage and all. Don’t give him money, don’t enable his addiction but be there. You won’t regret it. Love is never regretted.
There was a very bad incident involving my grandson and a step-grandson. I prayed about it overnight before I reported it. My son then stopped letting me see my grandson, and my ex-daughter-in-law started letting me see my grandson. For whatever reason, I have no idea what is going on, she has not allowed me to see him for a year. He is 10 years old. Both of them have stopped responding to texts. My home was the only one where my grandson got one-on-one attention. Please pray for us in our situation.
We're sorry to hear about this situation, Tracy. Be assured of our prayers for everyone involved, asking for God's help, guidance and peace. If you’d like to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). Blessings to you.
My daughter’s and I were so very close throughout their childhood…but both of them as adults have cut me out of their lives. The first complaint from my youngest is that she did not have an “overhead light in her room and she had to use a lamp.” I was a single parent and even fostered kids on my own for about 5 years. I’m still in contact with most of my foster children that are now grown and we are all still close. ‘Please pray’ for my daughter’s and I to be able to come back together and heal. What cuts the deepest is that I wasn’t allowed to see my grandchildren for about 3 years and it’s very limited now. I just don’t understand how it all went so wrong.
Instead of saying ''I was a single parent'' just say 'you deserved a light in your own room, you should have had a light in your room, it must have been terrible not to have a light in your room''. Just validate her perspective instead of invalidating it!
@@artandculture5262 Correct! Comments like this make me think about how dismissive many people are of the valid feelings of the adult children who are struggling with having a relationship with their parent(s). While parents are suffering, children hurt just as much even though it may not be as visible.
I’m my case, my mom was the one to stop all contact with no opening for any dialog. It’s hard all around. I have duly children as well, and I couldn’t imagine keeping my kids from their grandparents, but in my case, I tried to give my mom the opportunity to meet my baby, and she didn’t want to meet her.
I don't think that applies to narcissistic children. They usually inherit these traits from one of their parents. They dont have empathy - it's all about power and control. How else could a child purposely do this?
@@oliviapittman1073 You're right, I apologize. I do know both parents and adult children who suffer; I was just relating to the "parent side" at that moment.
I am adult with teens. I’m a xenial gen x/ millennial. Everyone loves to blame millennials for their lack of respect and what not. Truth is a lot of us have boomer parents who would never do what Dr. Townsend said to do at around the 15min. mark of this video. They are still manipulative, controlling, and self serving! My parents and mother in -law is. Honestly, I know pastors that are too . I even have friends that are PKs and testify of the same thing. Sin is the problem and the parent is sometimes the one one that needs to repent. That is usually why these relationships aren’t reconciled in my experience. This is why new generations consider the old generations and churches hypocrites. So sad. Everyone needs to humble themselves before Jesus and operate in His grace and truth. I am going to start applying this to my relationship with my teens and young adult! Pray for us please. 🥰
Thanks so much for your perspective, Maria. We'll definitely be praying and hope you'll call us if you need any encouragement along the way (800-A-FAMILY). Blessings to you!
Maria, your writing looks like you seem to think your parents or mother-in-law 💯 has evenly intentions towards you. Like what??? I’m so glad to see you are PROUDLY. a denial gen/millennial. Unless your parents are being controlled by EVIL spirits, you have ZERO reason to abuse ANYONE. By any means! That only makes YOU look selfish, self-arrogant, self-righteous and NOT living a GODLY LIFE. How are YOU living the way Jesus wants you to live? I would never want your mean spirit tone my daughter. Rather than you blaming and shaming, maybe you should go into your bathroom, lock the door and look in the mirror. Then get on your knees and repent for your critical spirit and start providing unconditional LOVE to EVERYONE around you.
Hello, Mel. We want you to know that we’re praying for your son, Joshua, that God may give him guidance and wisdom in the days to come. Be assured of our prayers for you, as well. Also, as part of our ministry here at Focus on the Family, we have a staff of counselors available to offer reassurance, answer questions, and pray with you. We’d like to invite you to call one of them at your convenience at 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459) weekdays between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. (MT). The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a licensed counselor to call you back. One of them will be in touch just as soon as they’re able. May the Lord lead you to the help you’re seeking.
@@focusonthefamily Thankyou..I am completely devastated at this time. I haven’t stopped crying for two days. Thankyou for your kindness and prayers. The only thing is that I would need your full phone number, as I’m not in your country. Thankyou so much 🌷🙏
I think what needs to be looked at before labeling an adult child as defiant is to ask yourself the honest question of “who did I raise?” As a parent who made horrific mistakes with my children, to turn around and label what is really manifested trauma is taking responsibility from what I did. So first look at yourself and how your mistakes created the child. Then go through the process of making amends with your child and accept that the child may not want to make amends or have anything to do with you. Many parents did what even I did at one time: overlook my parenting mistakes. At that point, continue to love and pray for your child, respecting their decision and continue working on making yourself a better parent. I have grandchildren and can honestly say that I am not the person who raised my children.
I’m single mother to four young girls with no immediate relatives near me and no child support either so I have to work more than one job and stayed in graveyard shift for a very long time and this was as my children were in their teen years . I made mistakes and I will not use any excuses for my shortcomings but it was so hurtful that not one of them understood what I had to do for us to survive, why I wasn’t there when they’re scared, why I easily get mad when they’re acting up , there were so many reasons but my only motivations were to protect them and make sure they will never go hungry and be taken away by child services cause I can’t do my job as their mother and provider for them. Now I’m so sick that I can’t work and my children all left me because apparently I have caused them so much pain and hurt. Why kick your mother to the curb while she’s down. Can’t they at least wait a little til I at least get better. I do believe I have good kids and that they are being mislead by their therapists. The pain never stops tho.
This whole “BOUNDARIES”:series has GREATLY FED THIS EPIDEMIC! Everything is a boundary- if you disagree with me. You know it’s true. You should write a book set the record straight about abusing this boundary bundle
Thanks for your suggestion, Toni. We can certainly understand the feelings you expressed regarding boundaries. Be assured your comments have been passed along. God bless you.
@@focusonthefamily are you accepting responsibility regardless if you believe you are at fault? That's what you tell parents to do when accused by adult children. BTW, I agree that this "boundaries" stuff has led to family estrangement too.
I agree 100 percent. My daughter was way out of line. Jealousy and envy of friends. I had Cancer. Let her do many things with a friend who had parents of wealth. My daughter became manipulative to get what she wanted. When I told her this was wrong, I was cut off. I needed boundaries. It has gone on for 12 years now.
@CM-sy3to I did accept responsibility for all. That only made it worse. My daughter thanked me saying she wanted her mom back then immediately told me I would have to earn her trust. Takes zero responsibility for manipulation of others to get her way. Even sabotaging my character to protect her image. She is nearly narcissistic. Lives a grandiose life. Very ritious. Yet not a humble bone in her body. She keeps all people seperate so there is never a witness of her behavior. It is bizarre
This is also why marrying a person you are equally yoked with is critical. One parent chose Godly pursuits while the other offered the underaged child and friends to drink at home rather than outside the home. I’m shunned as the Godly/wisdom sharing parent. I too have made mistakes along the way. Control vs leniency in a parental combo is toxic.
Basically similar to the 12 step program. Step 4 inventory & making amends due to the harms caused.. Owing own part , letting go of resentments . Gods present 🙏🏼
I've gotten a horrible childhood, abused at every level... My birth mother is a NPD. I have no empathy for her. I have honestly never liked her since i was born. No contact for a decade. THE best decision ever. Never been happier. ❤ no bridge for me still going strong ❤
Glad to know I’m not the only one going through this. What do you do when your best efforts to try to communicate with your ‘parent’ has yielded no results? I have tried to set boundaries only for the siblings to get involved and now everyone is involved and mad.
Ask your parents to come to counseling with you for the purpose of reconcilation. You are not doing this for you, you are doing this for your parents, to help them grow through this. Enstragement should be for only the two parties involved, but as you have experienced, it does affect the entire family in a negative way. Enstrangement is only necessary when the offending party refuses to go to counseling with you and/or the one party refuses to repent after going to counseling. Dr. John Daloney says it best in his videos. Enstrangement should never be for the lifetime, just a short period of time (2 weeks, 2 months, etc.) If they don't respect your boundaries, increase the time of enstrangement, but keep reassuring them that you still love them. Always, always keep that door open for reconcilation. Parents aren't perfect. It cracks me up watching adults with no kids try to tell other parents how to parent. Yeah, I did that, too, we all do.... until we have kids of our own. Then we start to understand how are parents did things right and it's easier to forgive the things they did wrong. Please don't give up hope, but please ask them to come to counseling.
7:04 describes me and my son exactly. They stopped speaking to us 2 years ago and have only just come around to re-establish communication, with LOTS and LOTS of boundaries imposed which hurt greatly. But having recently read your book it has helped us to cope, to understand the boundaries even if we don’t agree with them, and with faith and leaning on Christ we trust it will get better as our 30 yr old son and his wife mature, have children, etc.
I would’ve loved to have a seat at this table. I’m a huge fan of all these gentlemen. That said, I want to make it clear if adult children cut off the relationship with their parents, it’s a last ditch effort. Like the gentleman said your family is your primary source of resources, and adult children typically lack the financial security to comfortably make this decision. That being said, it takes a lot to push them over the edge and opt for it. Again, I would love to take a seat at the table and rebut their theories and offer a different perspective because there’s so many factors I see going unmentioned, unacknowledged, or dismissed that would lead up to the circumstances and that serves no one I mean……clapping for ourselves, only serves us
I can tell that Satan is working really hard to destroy families. He’s definitely at work trying to divide my relationships with my adult children. Thank you for this.
I finally did research, trying to figure out why my son treats me as he does. He fits every tenant of the narcissistic personality. As a child this wasn't so, he was always strong willed, but also empathetic and kind. My conclusion is that he has been influenced by the current secular culture to include four years of university influencing, to behave rudely, disrespectfully, insultingly without any care for my feelings. He feels he has the right. BTW, I never, ever abused him in any way.
Your tone sounds like the mother I have estranged. Don’t be so quick to assume you play no part in his lack of respect towards you. My mother wasn’t abusive either but made many poor decisions and chooses to paint to the world that she’s the victim. Also. If he’s a narcissist… maybe check in the mirror… they usually come from one.
How would you break from any other narcissistic relationship? Our grown children are people becoming who they choose to become. It might be that they choose to be people who are not healthy for us to have contact with. Some people are so tough to love, the best way to love them is from afar. 💛🙏
@@kmallen88 The Bible commands children to honor their parents. The reason that is stated is so that the CHILD may live long on the earth. Honoring your parents as much as you are able(I know it can be hard, I had a very difficult mother and a perverted father) will bless YOUR life.
@@Julia-b9x Yes, the Bible should be taken literally unless it is obvious it is metaphoric or an analogy. There is no point in reading the Bible if you don’t take it to mean what it says.
I have an estranged adult son, and it hurts much. In our case, he married a controlling liar, who has turned him against us. Very sad. I’m praying for both of them.
Hello, Joni. Your love and concern for your adult child were very evident in what you wrote regarding your relationship with him, and we’re sorry that you’re hurting. Be assured we’ll be praying for you and your son, asking God to bring healing and restoration to your relationship, according to His will and perfect timing. For further help, we have counselors here at Focus who are available to talk with you by phone to offer encouragement and assistance. If you'd like to discuss your specific situation with a caring individual, we invite you to call us at 1-855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. (MT). The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a counselor to call you back. One of them will be in touch just as soon as they're able. There is no charge for this service; please accept it as our way of assisting you more personally. In the meantime, we encourage you to take a look at the following resources: “Family Estrangement: 6 Ways to Reconcile with Adult Children” -- bddy.me/3CLhfhS “Healing Parent and Adult Child Relationships” -- bddy.me/3iDyU4a We hope you will call our counselors, Joni. They are a great listening ear and place to obtain good counsel. May the Lord's wisdom and hand of grace direct your steps in the days ahead.
Please pray for my son he moved to New York City I’ve not seen or heard for from since 2015 The Lord says when two or more gather in my name I am among them PLEASE help my start a prayer chain that we reconnect 🕊️🙏🏼
Just listened to this for the first time. Thank you for creating this video, and approaching the subject. I am a baby boomer, my mother quite elderly. There is distance between us, emotionally and miles. As well as not admitting or pretending not to remember the things she has done, I will always be blamed. My siblings blame me as well. Their experience was not the same. To everyone else, my mother is a sweet and kind person, so of course whatever strain there is on the relationship has to be my fault. Don't get me wrong, I've tried, but I have to accept the things I cannot change.
For some of us, it's because we feel like the limited amount of change we can make through our actions makes it not worth investing our time and energy into those people. Whether due to our inability, or their stubbornness/blindness.
Dr. Townsend’s book was ground breaking for me. I recommend it to ANYONE who is seeking to improve an interpersonal relationship. It is steeped in scripture and practical advice. Thank you, Focus, for broadcasting this session! I so appreciate the work you do.
Thanks, Tracy, for your positive comments! We're glad our broadcast titled "Healing Parent and Adult Child Relationships" with our guest Dr. John Townsend ministered to you personally. God bless you!
My parents divorced when I was 6 and my sister was 3. I always loved my father and always wondered what happened to him. After 43 years of being apart, I found him, ALIVE! Unfortunately my sister resented him our entire lives. I on the other hand, can’t wait to see him in 2 weeks! ♥️♥️♥️🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
I feel so stuck, my only daughter hasn’t talked to me in 5 years. The last 2 years my depression over this had brought me to the deepest depths of sadness. To the point it’s hard to not think about suicide almost daily, I hang on but just barely. I’ve been isolated for years. I don’t understand how I’ll ever be “okay” When I attempted to reach out to my ex husband whom I was married to for 20years it only got worst, he said and I quote “we are waiting for you to die” I am beyond hurting. I’m going to order your books, but even keeping my thoughts from being jumbled long enough to read is challenging. Even writing this I can’t get down in writing how desperately deeply exhausted and full of pain I am in.
Pray for me I raise 3 kids on my own kept them in church , put them in Christian school did the best I could providing clothes Shelder , cars support. Help them and encourage them to get jobs . My older son 21 made lies about me to his wife he wouldnt return any calls or text, my Daughter 23 just the other day I had to block, bc of manipulating and poor treatment to me and she was talk bad about me to last son in the home 17. As I support encourage her. So very hurt more than words can say. Pray everyday for them crying for reconciliation & true repentance
Thanks for your ministry; for making sure the voice of Truth is out there. When you were giving your thoughts on approaching a family member, I couldn’t help thinking of my own experience and cringing. In my case, not only wouldn’t that work, but it would make things worse. I think you are giving solid advice, unless the person you’re dealing with is abusive. I was raised by a narcissist. Approaching my mother in the reasonable way you describe here would have set me up for worse abuse. She even took me to family counseling when I was growing up. Whenever the therapist would suggest that she had some things she needed to change, we’d find a different therapist. She was completely closed to seeing her own fault. If anyone disagreed with her, she would insult and ridicule them and cut them off. I think it’s important to recognize narcissistic abuse for what it is. It cant be dealt with the same way you’d deal with other relationships. Boundary setting looks different and accepting that the person is not safe and keeping your distance is necessary to heal and move forward. I know you know this already. I wanted to leave my thoughts for another who might need to consider this.
Thank you, appreciated your honesty, changing therapist is classic for some. Both ways, some kids (adults, my daughter is 40, but a kid to me), also leave their therapy to another every time they get to confront it her participation on anything. It is painful to see them going to one person to the other, but eventually the pain will give it in to Gods love and they will be renewed. But in cases where there is only pain and not character problems like narcissism, sociopathy.
I agree, there is no changing a narcissist and they never take accountability, it's always someone else's fault. You can't fix that. It makes your life toxic having them in it
What happened to forgiveness? We don’t feel like we did anything that needs forgiveness, but we have said we are sorry….for whatever! We are not even told what we did! I go from angry to very sad.
I keep seeing a book for parents concerning maintaining healthy relationships with adult children - KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND THE WELCOME MAT OUT. I don’t try to tell my four adult children what to do; all four of them freely try to tell me what to do! Where are the books on that, both for me and for them???
Great question, Ginny! Healthy boundaries and mutual respect definitely go both ways. The book Peacemaking for Families (bddy.me/3p9SvIy) has some advice on navigating conflict and differing views and expectations, and our counselors are also here to offer one-on-one guidance (800-A-FAMILY). God's blessings to you!
As my pastor has taught, " we teach all people, even our children how to treat us"... We the parents can choose to get Healed Soul,Spirit and Body, even if we are Christians....Science tells us that Past Trauma stays in us Until there is Healing ..Parents need healing First, then they can Begin to Be the Parent their Adult children need them to be. 1 Peter 5:79 ❣️🕊️🙏
My oldest adopted daughter has not only cut her dad , siblings and I out of her life, but her husband’s side of the family as well! Plus her best friends! If we aren’t perfect in her eyes there is no forgiveness! My daughter was the perfect daughter growing up! Suddenly at the age of 43, 2006 this happened! I accidentally ran into her at Penney’s, 7 years later! I asked her if I could hug her! She agreed! I was nervous so I just chatted and shared life with her like I would with a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time! During a 20 minute period she said to me twice, with the most hateful, evil look on her face “you will never be in my life”! I showed no expression! Just talked with the enjoyment of seeing her! As we were about to part ways, I once again asked her if I could hug her and she again agreed! I told her I loved her! That was 10 years ago! After many miracles and a vision she came to us from Korea! I just keep praying and trusting the Lord to bring her back to us! It was God’s plan she be in our family!
Thank you so much for this broadcast! This encouraged my heart on so many levels! You have provided me with great insight and wisdom to help me strengthen and repair the relationship with my teen. It's a very difficult place to be in but I believe the Lord will turn things around for my family. God Bless You all!
Hi, Misha! We're greatly encouraged by your positive response to our broadcast " Healing Parent and Adult Child Relationships” and we're glad that you were able to relate so personally to the content of it. May God bless you and your family and give you the guidance you’re seeking as you lean on Him day by day. As a part of our ministry, we have counselors here at Focus who are available to talk to you by phone to offer encouragement and assistance. If you think it would be helpful, we invite you to get in touch with them. Here’s the contact info: bit.ly/3eguwRY. Blessings!
Focus on the family helped me raise my son as a single mom (never married). He’s been the ideal child who is now a 25 year old police officer. He’s dating a non Christian woman who he’s allowed to pull him away from faith, family and friends. This is the first time we are in bad terms. I came to seek advice
Hii, I had a friend who was dating a non believer girl. His mom started praying (and probably fasting) for her so that his son's girlfriend will find Jesus and give her life to him. It took probably 1 year and littlle by little Jesus conquered her heart . They have been married for more then 10 years and she is a true Christian now, living for Jesus and raising her son in the faith. I hope this helps I pray that everything will be Ok
I actually listen to this over again and really do agree with it by listening twice and hearing his suggestions in the full context of what type of child or adult he is approaching.
Family can be a group of loving friends in adult life, not just blood related relatives who hurt people. We have to know when to let toxic relatives go.
Unfortunately, the word "toxic" is thrown around too easy and an excuse for not putting in the work to reconcile. Conflict is an opportunity to grow.... on both sides.
Alanon Adult Children of Alcoholics-has helped millions around the world for many decades recover from resentments with parents, even when parents aren’t alcoholics.
I have been on both sides of this story. Just because someone is involved in the birth of a child or who your parent)s) are does not mean you can get along or are ignored, taken advantage of...just walk. Yesterday, for Mother's Day, was the last straw for me. I am done again.
So glad, in a very sad way, others are going through this. Trying to live a Christian life and my grown children think I'm crazy. The world(satan) is stealing our children.
Thousands of us. I've emotionally build a wall so when my children unleash on me I just tune them out. Thier father was a horrible narcissistic abusive human whom I had to get save myself and them from. Life was a struggle but now they have successful careers, living well, and I became an "abusive mother"
Please pray for my adult children who are extremely smart, both suffer anxiety and addiction, and as I continually forgive the hurt, have done all I can for them, I’m told until I seek therapy that I’m emotionally immature, sad part is there is no talking to them unless I see it their way. I love them dearly 40 and 41. Please pray Jesus heals this family🙏 Thank you my brothers and sisters in Christ
Ask the question, “Why would I continue to reach out to a person who has ditched me and never looked back?” Chasing rejection is self abuse. Hope is toxic. Accept the loss. Let them be dead. It might change, but it’s also likely that it won’t. Grieve it like a death and aim up. Build a life forward.
@Someone's Daughter I have a daughter who apparently believes as you do. In my case, I never deserted her but did move to another city only 75 miles away. My daughter is an adult with grandchildren of her own. I am sure she knows better. Because of the way she feels, she will be cut out of a big inheritance that she knows nothing about. I do not wish it to be this way but what is a mother to do when she has already done everything she knows to do. Please rethink what you are saying. Your mother probably really loves you. If she is not dead as you seem to want, she probably will be very soon. One day you may wish you had felt otherwise.
@@gereesorrow380 I am a mother who experienced a child’s estrangement. My post is from that perspective. For two years, I was ghosted and it was a very painful experience. The only way, for me, to be healthy was radical acceptance of my child’s decision with no more longing. For me, that resulted in reconciliation as I had decided we could both have beautiful lives with or without one another (and I suspect my acceptance-not longing for contact-no longer fueled the conflict) I am not a child estranged from my own parents. My name comes from a complicated backstory… ;)
I really believe that if parents aren't there for their children when they're little. If they don't develop that relationship ALL the years during their childhood....if they hurt, abuse,neglect and traumatize their children in their youth they aren't going to want to really be around you in their adulthood. That's just facts.
I beg your pardon, I was always there for my boys,I was a stay at home mom, which I was devoted too. I have 2 boys the oldest is 57 senior pastor at a large church in Charlotte NC. My youngest son 52 a successful business man which one day told his father and I he would not be in contact with us anymore, no explanation or the why. It has been 8 long agonizing years, some days are so hard to get thru. I pray for healing of our family.
What about the adult parent and adult child dynamic where the parent and adult child's roles are switched? My mom suffers from mental illness and lack of self control and emotional regulation. She's been emotionally codependent and enmeshed in my marriage for 10 years. Now I recognize the need to have healthier boundaries and for her to understand that I am an adult with my own family now, and she cannot try to manipulate and meddle in decisions that are for me and my husband to make/own for our small children. When I try to communicate love and speak the truth, she has a meltdown and threatens suicide. It is all a hard lesson that I want to be different for my children, and teach them about and model healthy boundaries. Boundaries do not negate grace and love.
Hello, Elizabeth. We’re sorry to hear about the challenging time you’re facing in your relationship with your mother. We want to come alongside you, and the best way we can is to invite you to contact one of our Christian counselors. They would be pleased to offer encouragement and guidance. If this would be helpful, you may call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). In the meantime, you might find this book of interest: Boundaries -- bddy.me/3QS5PPj. Know that we’re praying for you, your husband, your children, and your mom. May God bring healing to the situation you described, friend.
When I was on drugs Bad I did my kids Bad I been clean for 5 years and I am trying my best to hope they can Forgive me And I understand If they don't I'm praying and hoping for another chance
One of my adult children has a personality disorder, like two of my sisters and my mother. She is a grudgemeister which makes it impossible to have a healthy relationship with her. She refuses to get past offenses (real or contrived) that I committed when she was a child. At age 32, she is more distant with me than ever she has been. I’ve been her greatest cheerleader her entire life! I discern that she has trouble spending time with me cuz her conscience is pricked just being in my presence. She’s read and heard so much from many other young adults who have deconstructed the faith of their upbringing cuz their parents brainwashed them. Friends and family have caused her to question my love for her. Friends of mine whose adult children have alienated themselves from them have been counseled by their so-called Christian friends to put distance between themselves and their parents. I see this huge mess being caused by children disobeying the commandment to HONOR YOUR PARENTS! They should be shaking in their shoes!
We're very sorry, Ginny. Please do call us if you'd like to speak with one of our counselors about your situation. May God bless you and give you the wisdom you're seeking.
Wow! You and I sound a lot alike. I’m certain my daughter has a personality disorder from having had 3 kids and going undiagnosed with postpartum. She cut her father and I off almost 3 years ago. She will not even talk or discuss anything with us and only says we need to get “REAL” counseling and change ourselves and report to her about our therapy appointments and books and blogs we have done??? We haven’t seen our 3 beautiful grandchildren since in 3 years!
@@GordStandcumbe I’m so sorry! That is absolutely heartbreaking I know! “The splitter” - satan - is quite adept at splitting families! How followers of Jesus want to give him/it such power is unfathomable to me! My heart is broken for you! 💔
My daughter sounds very similar. After 10 years of counseling her therapist has her convinced I am a narcissist. When she was younger if she didn't hear what she wanted, she would hang up on me. I haven't been to therapy with her, so a therapist only knows what she tells them. I was supportive, and always there for her. She has ghosted me, and I am in the dark.
@@whizbang7130 I’m so sorry you are experiencing this heartbreaking situation with the girl you raised! Counseling for our young adults is NOT helping! It’s making them focus on themselves instead of where their focus should be - on Jesus! Their dishonoring of their parents is epidemic across our land and caused by satan, the splitter! he’s gleeful over the chaos he’s helped create, along with the world and the flesh! I pray your prodigal returns!
Please pray for my relationship with my adult son Angel , who’s 36 yr old … due to respect he was put out at 18-24 …. And has been back finally for the last 2 years however, he still is disrespectful and doesn’t do a thing to help at home …. We recently had a huge blow out and I lost my mind… but he plays victim and makes me feel guilty if he’s asked to grow up . I’ve always been there for him always attending all his baseball, football games thru age 18 and wrestling…. Was always a team mom and classroom mom …. He’s my 1st born only son and 3 girls but this is so hard . 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏Thank u 🥲
We’re so sorry to hear about the challenges you’re facing with your son, Rosemary. Be assured of our prayers for you, Angel, and your entire family, asking the Lord to draw you all closer to Himself and bring healing and restoration to your relationship in the days ahead. May He fill your home with His peace even in the midst of this painful situation. Also, if you fell it’ll be helpful, we'd like to encourage you to call us at 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT) to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you.) God ‘s best to you and yours, friend.
Don’t put up with it anymore Look to the word Forgive in your heard but show him the door and stop enabling. You are not helping. Gods bless, I understand your pain and situation.
Rosemary my heart goes out to you. Its very painful to be misunderstood and endure lack of respect in your own home. Please watch Allison Bottke on this podcast. She discusses boundaries with your adult children and is full of wisdom. I hope this helps🙏🙏🙏
My adult child is SPC Hoffman MP and AEMT… she is 22 years old and moved back home and it makes me happy. Before she moved here I was looking for someone to split the rent with me. I asked her for half the rent. It upset her and she brought up several things about different things and one thing about the decisions she had to make bc of her childhood (not verbatim) but that is what she was saying. I love her and I’m so proud of her. I raised her on my own since she was 10 months old. I’d do it all over again and make right the things I did wrong …
Jesus being the Head in the family where all, both parents and children submitting to Him/God's Word will be the beginning. Then being able to listen without judging oneanother is key, prayers together and helping in every part of life would help creating bonds that are strong. Always in grace and truth - that should be it
The kids would have to be sane to heal anything. I’ve tried it thousands of times. Same thing over and over and over and over and over and over nonstop forever.
(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). Every Interaction with Ur CHILD is an Opportunity to EXAMINE Ur BELIEFS THOUGHTS ASSUMPTIONS MOTIVATIONS and VALUES so az to becomb moor Conscious and Give to Children KEYS INSTEAD OF CHAINS
My mother has a big wall up I think has been there her whole life, I'm trying to pray for healing for her , it's tough BC I can't disconnect or connect
My mother misguided and devalued me and never supported r encouraged,,her words and actions damaged me she says she had , given birth and brought me into world, Those who do not value children r immature,. there r certain rules that every parents should follow.
I'm 32 married with children of my own and my parents have always been manipulative and still are to this day. I've really tried to tell them I haven't found their approach to be very fruitful yet they have used this default to raise my other 4 siblings ages 13-28.
ABS0LUTELY, LoL! Sometimes I think about folks trying to have kids ... I want to tell them how Wonderful and Loyal dogs are, haha! Seriously though, my 4 adult kids, I have 2 boys & 2 girls, and our girls have split our Family and walked out on us ... My Faith is a huge issue for them. I don't know what to do about their being mad about being raised in Faith.
Can someone speak on parents who’s controlling and almost seemingly manipulative with their adult children (children 40 & 44 yo). After attempting to to have a hard talk with the parent, the parent shuts down screams, blames the child then hang up the phone…. All within about 5m of the conversation. The parent can not see how they are wrong in any way but the child is always the one to blame.
Thanks for reaching out with this request. We hope this article will offer some wisdom and direction. - bddy.me/3r9LMiX. We also have a staff of pastoral counselors available to offer reassurance, answer questions, and pray with you. If you think it would be helpful, we’d like to invite you to speak with one of them at your convenience. Just call 800-232-6459 between 6:00 A.M. - 8:00 P.M. (MT), Mon - Fri. The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a pastoral counselor to call you back. There’s no cost for this -- we just want to come alongside you in any way we can.
My daughter has made horrible accusations about me allowing my grandkids to get molested by my ex which none of it is true. My heart is shattered ill I have is prayer, I haven't seen my grandkids going on year. I miss my daughter and grandkids so much 😢 Jesus helps me get by everyday I feel as though I'm in a dream, a bad one Jesus help me please pray for us🙏🙏🙏🙏
We're sorry to hear about your situation, Anita. Our hearts go out to you, and we are here to come alongside you in any way we can. Please know that we'll be praying for you, your daughter, and your grandkids, asking the Lord to intervene in your situation, draw you closer to Himself and to each other in the days ahead. Also, we have counselors here who can listen and pray with you. Here’s the contact info: bit.ly/2ItKdoE. May God's comfort and peace be very real to you.
Boundaries.We all need to function in them. The estrangment issue is truly alarming. The breakage might be another sign of the times It was mentioned here the precedent may be a parent who may hv been too soft or too harsh An adult son/daughter not wanting to forgive who is now busy satisfying other relationships and decides relationship w parents is too much trouble. I liked when the Dr said Tuthing people is lacking. Implementing hard truths is missing and writing people off is up My husband & I hv worked hard at repairing our relationship with our son. He sez he wants 2b part of our lives but his actions speak of someone who is fixed on living life in rejections to God's best
My adult children all turned their backs on me not allowing me to see my grandkids because I divorced their dad after 37 years. They say I hurt their daddy. My ex died 7 months after the divorce and he always told me that he would take my kids away if I left him. I haven’t seen my grandkids in almost two years. I am not perfect but I am tired of always saying I’m sorry I was wrong and I’ll resubmit to my previous place in the family. I am so sad and broken hearted not getting to see my grandkids. My kids refuse to even talk to me and tell me why they are angry. My ex was abusive the last seven years. They justify him and blame me for trying to protect my younger theee adopted children
Everything you and everyone else in this field talks about has to do with young adults trying to make their own way in the world. My children were 30 (son estranged for 16 years) and 41 (daughter estranged for 3 years). Our son married a mentally ill woman with 3 children. Big issues from day one. They have a 17 year old together. Our daughter is a strong Christian and married a man that seemed to be a strong Christian as well. Things were great for 15-16 years. She was my best friend, 3 wonderful grandchildren, great friends with his parents, vacations with them and his parents, etc. But he and his parents started getting controlling and we weren't real compliant with their manipulations. It got worse and worse until they started lying about us and accusing me of awful things. Then they cut us off completely and efforts to talk to them were met with extreme hostility and eventually a VPO completely based on lies. Many others deal with this kind of evil attacks on their families, and no one talks about it. They only talk about young adults in their late teens to about 30. Please do a show to help the rest of us.
what a thoughtful and well-presented video, Dr. Townsend! your insights on healing relationships are really valuable. though, i can't help but wonder if the focus on parental responsibility might overshadow the importance of personal accountability in these dynamics. it seems like both sides need to own their part for real healing to happen. what do you all think?
@14:00 i don't now if it's close to even possible that my parents would EVER say anything hopeful or healing like that to me. The only thing I could think of is confessing hurt and past wounds they did tjat impacted me and then putting up boundaries if they continue to act and do the same hurtful disconnected patterns that they have no present day problems with repeating.
The lack of access to Christian counseling has been a deficit in my life. Cannot afford it & have no church support. My son would be less troubled today if I had spiritual coaching.
Hello, Sue. If you’d like to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a counselor to call you back. One of them will be in touch just as soon as they're able. We said a prayer for you and your son. May the Lord's wisdom and hand of grace direct your steps in the days ahead.
its so true there is a real disconnect in our Churchs to help families and often times your just shuffled off to a 'crisis' mental health unit, run by the government. We need Church's to recognize that our community is one that supports us. This is the case in Jewish communities, and Mennonites' but the Christians/Catholic really lack in support.
I tried to rescue my mom (and by extension my dad) from a toxic 'friend' who has been manipulating/abusing/scamming them for money for a period of years, and to whom my mom feels she has a duty of care as a Christian. My challenge, after years of warning mom and dad, and my dad agreeing with me, was to finally tell this 'friend' to STOP being abusive and asking for money from my parents' dwindling funds for their own old age. I was respectful, and pointed the friend to agencies that could help her etc. The result? My mom cut me out/off/blocked me from communicating with her (ie with my mom!). The 'friend' said I have effectively 'murdered' her and she can't believe I call myself a Christian. Yep, dysfunctional and toxic woman. It's heart-breaking, and I still feel I did the right thing, but after 5 months... still no contact. Should I just have let the abuse continue? What does it mean to honour your parents?
Thank you for sharing this, Andrea. While we're not aware of all of the details, we can hear your heart and we know you care very much for your parents. Please know that we have a staff of pastoral counselors available to offer reassurance, answer questions, and pray with you. If you think it would be helpful, we’d like to invite you to speak with one of them at your convenience. Just call 800-232-6459 between 6:00 A.M. - 8:00 P.M. (MT), Mon - Fri. The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a pastoral counselor to call you back. There’s no cost for this -- we just want to come alongside you in any way we can In the meantime, we have an article on our website that might offer some insight about manipulative people - bddy.me/3Fe3Oau. We hope this reply has been helpful.
I feel like it's too late now. I tried for over three years to get my mother to listen to me, but because my father always backed her up, she wasn't motivated to listen to me. I had given up every time before, every other time she gave me the silent treatment I eventually capitulated and said ''um, i'm sorry I upset you'' even though all I'd done was try to draw some boundary or ask her not to label me. But this time I held firm. I did not stop trying to be heard. And I have been written out of the family. I don't exist. I'm not a real person to her. I tried to talk to my Dad on his own but he is just annoyed with me for ''upsetting mum''. I realise she is UNREACHABLE. Like, not a 3 d person. It's devastating. What a sham of a family.
![Coheed and Cambria - Searching for Tomorrow [Official Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/hDsYGLbmadg/mqdefault.jpg)
Not to sound arrogant but I enjoyed telling my first born I loved him and always made time for him with daily hugs. 10 years ago when he was 28 yrs old we had a minor debate over nothing big. He told me he was cutting me out of his life and not to ever contact him. Every Holiday I spent time crying and missing him. I felt very depressed and often prayed he was ok. July 2020 I got a call and was shocked hearing a voice saying Mom this is your son and I never stopped loving you and he wanted me to forgive him for being so cruel. Ofcourse I burst into tears and more tears flowed hearing a toddler voice saying. Hi Gamma. Hi Gamma. My son informed me it was my grandson who was 4 years old and never knew about him. I was so over joyed
Suskelley your story warmed my heart! What a blessing💕💕💕💕
I’m crying 😢 love this
As grand parents/grandparents we take it all to Jane then back in our lives regardless of what happens. Especially a grand child😍 but that's just too much time in between to wait to reach out💔😓 WE need to work it out right away before it gets this bad. I'm happy for you. But don't let your son use this against you. Talk about the change to prevent it🥰🙏👍
What did you just say? You loved, you were rejected and left brokenhearted. Your son dumps you and shows up years later with your grandchildren. Your son sounds awful. There has to be the rest of the story that's missing.
Yeah there is: restoration!
I am not a parent. I'm actual an adult child looking to better my relationship with my mother and i'm incredibly grateful for everything Ive learned 🙏
Same 🙏🏼
I’m still praying that my daughter comes back to us, I miss her so much,
I’m glad y’all found your way back home where you belong
The same im looking to better my relationship with mother ❤✝️
What made you want to seek a better relationship with your mother?
Let’s all pray for all families in the USA! I’m struggling with this too and I’m shocked at how common it is!!! Satan is really attacking our families! Let’s fight back with prayers!!❤️ We have the victory in Jesus!!!
So very true. It’s hard when you think of possibly anything that you’ve done wrong and can’t figure it out. I’ve apologized to my child for anything I’ve done wrong. He brushed it off but he’s clearly avoiding me. He’s about to move and praying he tells us where he’s moving.
How about praying for families all over the world.
Amen. We pray for restoration of families. Please pray for oldest Tony Chanchal and mom Sunita and his siblings be restored as family again. Tony be delivered from alcohol & drugs and vagabond/ homeless lifestyle. Thank you
I pray, then try to reach out to them. If their heart is hardened-closed off , then I give it to Jesus.. and try to live the best gift that Jesus has given me… life!! I refuse to let any of my children put me in an early grave 🥀🚫⚠️‼️ NO. NO. NO. NO. NO !
💕🕊🌿🕊🥰 : }
Amen
I’ve made a lot of mistake especially being a very young mom myself. I had three kids at the age of 21 and was still very immature myself. I’ve apologized to my kids over and over for years. I’ve tried to just listen to them and support them. But it still a struggle for them to completely forgive me. I’ve built bridges over Ana over. From phone calls to lunches to deep conversations. To constant reminders of my love for them and more. And it still seems to be a struggle. I think what hurts me is we go through long periods where it feels like things are going in a positive direction and then I’m hit with more conversation on how I’ve made them feel or hurt them . And that’s what’s hard the emotional rollercoaster I’m on.
We're so sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing with your children, Patrice. Know that we'll be praying for you. Also, if you’d ever like to talk with one of our counselors on how to navigate this situation (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). Just give your number to the Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone. They will pass along your phone number to one of our professional counselors, who will return your call just as soon as they’re able. We hope to hear from you soon, friend!
I feel this . Right there with you . I was 21 when I had my daughter , and feeling & going through exactly what you commented.
@@hdr7455 Same. Love to you both
When they have children someday, they will become more compassionate.
@@jacquiedresser8610 that's when the adult children have another tool to torture their parents...they will withhold seeing the grandkids out of spite, not any real need to protect the grandchild from harm.
Thanks so much for sharing such helpful information. I believe because of the cancel culture, my 26 year old son has decided to cut me out of his life as his mom and friend at this stage of our parent/son relationship. I was really looking forward to the friend part of having an adult child. My heart breaks daily. I am truly grieving the loss of my son and it is so much harder grieving someone who is still alive verses my parents who are both in heaven. I pray daily for my son.
The exact same thing with my son it is so heartbreaking I’ve not seen my son 8 years and it’s so painful.. I praying for you and your son tonight 🕊️🙏🏼
Thanks. God is restoring my relationship with my two adult kids by teaching me to love my kids and give advice when they are asking for it. Also I'm learning even as they are not serving the Lord right now for me to love them and let God do the rest.
Hi, Felicia! We are pleased that you were able to relate so personally to the content of our broadcast “Healing Parent and Adult Child Relationships.” May the Lord continue to bless, guide and encourage you as you seek Him day by day. If you ever need a listening ear, please don’t hesitate to give our counselors a call. Here’s the contact info: bit.ly/3eguwRY. Peace and blessings to you and yours!
Don't trust this link. Contact focus on the family directly!
Don't trust the link. Contact focus on the family directly!
Amen😢
The problem with some parents is that they see any kind of disagreement as rebellion. You could literally be quoting bible verses or even agreeing with them but as long you're not mimicking or they don't understand their reaction is violent or abusive because they equate any sort of independent thinking with disrespect, ingratitude or demonic rebellion. Sometimes the situation is hopeless not because their is no solution but because the parent is unwilling to take any kind responsibility for anything the have done. They refuse to acknowledge the damage and they are dismissive of any hurt they have caused. And you're right about manipulation. Imagine a parent initiating the conversation you the way you have suggested only to dismiss, attack and curse the child when the child shares their valid grievances based on true events. It's like the parent isn't building a bridge because they want to heal the relationship, they are trying manipulate the child so that they can continue to mistreat and control them. This is a wonderful episode and I'm praying that every adult child and parent who are willing to do the work will see this..I'm also praying for those of us who have to accept that things will not change and it's just a cross that we have to carry.
may i ask if you are the adult child or the parent
@@jennifergilbert9802 the adult child
@@nkolemwaba2526 thank you for sharing. I am an adult child and a parent. I don’t think any of it’s easy. Hoping for peace for you and me
Exactly!
Not true at all! How can it be, when my adult son, who cut us off, has not even seen us, yrs before.
Parents and children should never be separated or disconnected communication is vital in saving lives ❤
Agree with you! though so, it doesn't always save lives.
I agree, UNLESS and UNTIL there is continued abuse -- then that is enabling and the abuser will never learn their lesson. If there is a refusal of acknowledgement and there is a sensitive child with cptsd who can't handle it and makes them worse with constant reminders of multi type abuses? ....
Please start a prayer chain that i reconnect with my son 🕊️💫👍
I'm already praying for everyone going through this. Consider prayers already sent your way.
Sometimes it's more work to maintain relationships with adult children than it was to sacrifice & raise them.
Finally, I have to stop trying, live my life, be happy.
The ex huzz, their father treated me with such disrespect, no courtesy. He taught my children, by his example that I'm of low value or no value.
This shaped their attitudes toward me. They may or may not realize this. It stopped mattering to me a few months ago. It was a painful realization; to let them go, it took a lot of soul searching to arrive at this decision. I feel an increasing peace since then.
Brenda happened to me too.
@@cathychase663 My sympathy for you & anyone who this happens to. I decided to cherish & love the one child I have a close, respectful, strong bond with. The other three, as much as I love them, I won't allow anyone to treat me badly, not even my own children.
@@FreeSpirit47 it's hurtful. I just have 2 and both boys. I sacrificed my life for them. Their dad was awful toward all of us. They were amazing to me until they were in late 20s. Now 30s. Don't call. Don't keep their word.. never remember me on holidays. One son lived at home till 29 and I supported him. He's supposed to come home for Xmas. Lives in Australia. Left with a note. My younger to Chicago . He was here last summer. But they know I my struggle. I can never trash them. They threw me away
@@cathychase663 It's heart breaking, I know. It's painful, it's cruel.
For myself, because everyone has to decide what is right for them, I decided to change my mindset to what it might be, if I never married a narcissist, never had children.
I thought, to myself, the one daughter who loves me, I will love her. I will go on, in life, doing things that make me happy. I will volunteer my time, pour my love into that. I will travel, enjoy my hobbies, do anonymous random acts of kindness.
It's really tough, I know. You can do this!
Lots of love to you, Cathy!
I’m at that point as well. Acceptance means peace and I may have more life behind me than I have in front of me. It’s time to stop living in pain.
This is great, thank you. I grew up with an abusive father, and even at 92 he continues to abuse. He uses spirituality to condemn me, despite the fact that I care for him, have given of my time, finances, resources and more. I have come to a point where I can’t be around him anymore. It’s traumatizing and depleting.
Thank you for sharing so openly, friend. We're so sorry you're going through this situation. Please know that we'll remember you in our prayers. If you'd like to speak with someone for encouragement, don't hesitate to call 1-800-A-family. God be with you.
Timothy says these broken relationships are a sign of the times.
Yes, they happen with every generation as far back as Roman times. 😂
Or a sign that we are waking up to the ways of abusive parents who no longer deserve our attention. Not all parents are created equal.
My youngest son went to college and changed so much. He became so liberal and lives in California. He and his wife weren't able to have children. He cut me out of his life 2 yrs ago, which is the last time I heard from him. He did it because I'm a Christian and for my conservative beliefs. It hurts my heart so bad, but I continue to pray for their salvation. I raised both of my sons to respect ppl and was a single Mom, but had 4 failed marriages. I am alone now and my oldest son does keep in touch with me. But my youngest has pretty much abandoned the whole family. I don't know what else to do, but pray.
Thank you for sharing your heart, Debra. We'll be praying for you and your family. May God fill you with His peace and grace in the days ahead. If you'd like to talk and pray with a caring staff member, please feel free to call 1-800-A-FAMILY. God be with you.
I do believe that the elder in the relationship has to take the lead to repair the relationship. It took me nearly two years to reconnect with a lost adult child but eventually we worked things out.
I completely agree. With my younger cousins, etc. if there’s ever a tiff between us, I feel it is my responsibility to create bridges to heal. That is because, I’ve lived longer and have more maturity, empathy and more tools to deal with difficult situations, versus someone younger than me. Therefore, I am in a better position to mend bonds, and that’s what I do. But I find that not all adults/parents think like that.
100%. Be the adult in the room.
I wish my parents were motivated to sort things out. They will give me the silent treatment forever.
This… it’s so hard feeling like you’re the parent in the relationship sometimes when you’re the adult child
Why do you believe this? The Bible says they are on the path if destruction. Read Mark 7:9-13. Pray for those who mistreat you. If they ask for forgiveness, forgive them. I don’t see many children asking for forgiveness after dishonoring their parent.
I wanted Dr. Townsend to touch on truly difficult parents and their personality issues. No one “cuts off” parents because of a hard truth. There’s always way more going on. It’s odd that he didn’t cover that since he’s a psychologist.
It probably doesn’t fit the narrative of the episode.
Exactly. Rigid, inflexible domineering parents often cause this. They usually don’t change as adults. Then they wonder why their child never calls 🙄
Because not everyone’s situation is yours? Some kids do this because of drugs, alcohol or mental illness. That’s just naming a few. It is not always the parents fault.
Alanon Adult Children of Alcoholics-has helped millions around the world for many decades recover from resentments with parents, even when parents aren’t alcoholics.
@@psmithbell Alanon Adult Children of Alcoholics-has helped millions around the world for many decades recover from resentments with parents, even when parents aren’t alcoholics.
I wish they could talk about how relationships can still be strained with our elderly parents. There is so much pain still.
Yes, Cynthia, I agree. I am living that with my Mother. I try so hard, but will never be what she wants or wanted me to be.
I also totally agree.. We were raised by parents whose parents were raised by Victorians. They learned how not to talk about their feelings. Hence all the unadressed pain. It's sad. Even at the end of their lives they can't talk about it.
why are you living with your mother
@@Anna-ww4pv she said "living that with my mother"....... also maybe she's elderly and disabled? Doesn't matter -- point is legit
Courage. It takes bravery to be a parent. We can do all things in Christ Jesus!
humility - when parents merely acknowledge, it's a game changer. This is too shallow for me - there is so much more goin on with the generational wounds and traumas
I am a 40 year old daughter who has not spoken to my dad since the passing of my mother December 2021. My dad is an addict. I have 7 children that I have to protect because I wasn't protected when I was growing up
This is the type situation where estrangement is understandable. Most are insignificant memories blown out of proportion...that sleepover I wasn't allowed to attend in 1993 etc stuff.
Addict is a disease. Maybe some empathy would help. And your relationship with your dad can start with you. Meet on neutral ground until you can trust that he will be safe around the kids. I don’t think addiction is a reason to through your parents away. Everyone has struggles. Honor your parents is a commandment baggage and all. Don’t give him money, don’t enable his addiction but be there. You won’t regret it. Love is never regretted.
Yes. This is best for you. Prayers for you and your children. ❤️🙏
Addiction is not a disease according to Dr Gabor Mate. Look him up in you tube he has many videos on addiction and childhood.
@@LDaw_96 Addiction is NOT a disease.
There was a very bad incident involving my grandson and a step-grandson. I prayed about it overnight before I reported it. My son then stopped letting me see my grandson, and my ex-daughter-in-law started letting me see my grandson. For whatever reason, I have no idea what is going on, she has not allowed me to see him for a year. He is 10 years old. Both of them have stopped responding to texts. My home was the only one where my grandson got one-on-one attention. Please pray for us in our situation.
We're sorry to hear about this situation, Tracy. Be assured of our prayers for everyone involved, asking for God's help, guidance and peace. If you’d like to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). Blessings to you.
My daughter’s and I were so very close throughout their childhood…but both of them as adults have cut me out of their lives. The first complaint from my youngest is that she did not have an “overhead light in her room and she had to use a lamp.” I was a single parent and even fostered kids on my own for about 5 years. I’m still in contact with most of my foster children that are now grown and we are all still close. ‘Please pray’ for my daughter’s and I to be able to come back together and heal. What cuts the deepest is that I wasn’t allowed to see my grandchildren for about 3 years and it’s very limited now. I just don’t understand how it all went so wrong.
Keep praying
Instead of saying ''I was a single parent'' just say 'you deserved a light in your own room, you should have had a light in your room, it must have been terrible not to have a light in your room''. Just validate her perspective instead of invalidating it!
There’s probably something a lot deeper… pray that it will be revealed to both of you!
Did you follow John Townsends advice?
It's more than the light. She is testing you to see if you are safe to talk to. You aren't.
This is so hard.....my heart breaks for the moms and dads who are suffering through this!
It’s not just the parents who suffer.
@@artandculture5262 Correct! Comments like this make me think about how dismissive many people are of the valid feelings of the adult children who are struggling with having a relationship with their parent(s). While parents are suffering, children hurt just as much even though it may not be as visible.
I’m my case, my mom was the one to stop all contact with no opening for any dialog. It’s hard all around. I have duly children as well, and I couldn’t imagine keeping my kids from their grandparents, but in my case, I tried to give my mom the opportunity to meet my baby, and she didn’t want to meet her.
I don't think that applies to narcissistic children. They usually inherit these traits from one of their parents. They dont have empathy - it's all about power and control. How else could a child purposely do this?
@@oliviapittman1073 You're right, I apologize. I do know both parents and adult children who suffer; I was just relating to the "parent side" at that moment.
I am adult with teens. I’m a xenial gen x/ millennial. Everyone loves to blame millennials for their lack of respect and what not. Truth is a lot of us have boomer parents who would never do what Dr. Townsend said to do at around the 15min. mark of this video. They are still manipulative, controlling, and self serving! My parents and mother in -law is. Honestly, I know pastors that are too . I even have friends that are PKs and testify of the same thing. Sin is the problem and the parent is sometimes the one one that needs to repent. That is usually why these relationships aren’t reconciled in my experience. This is why new generations consider the old generations and churches hypocrites. So sad. Everyone needs to humble themselves before Jesus and operate in His grace and truth. I am going to start applying this to my relationship with my teens and young adult! Pray for us please. 🥰
Thanks so much for your perspective, Maria. We'll definitely be praying and hope you'll call us if you need any encouragement along the way (800-A-FAMILY). Blessings to you!
Ma
Maria, your writing looks like you seem to think your parents or mother-in-law 💯 has evenly intentions towards you. Like what??? I’m so glad to see you are PROUDLY. a denial gen/millennial. Unless your parents are being controlled by EVIL spirits, you have ZERO reason to abuse ANYONE. By any means! That only makes YOU look selfish, self-arrogant, self-righteous and NOT living a GODLY LIFE. How are YOU living the way Jesus wants you to live? I would never want your mean spirit tone my daughter. Rather than you blaming and shaming, maybe you should go into your bathroom, lock the door and look in the mirror. Then get on your knees and repent for your critical spirit and start providing unconditional LOVE to EVERYONE around you.
Please pray for my son Joshua..he’s very confused 🙏
Hello, Mel. We want you to know that we’re praying for your son, Joshua, that God may give him guidance and wisdom in the days to come. Be assured of our prayers for you, as well. Also, as part of our ministry here at Focus on the Family, we have a staff of counselors available to offer reassurance, answer questions, and pray with you. We’d like to invite you to call one of them at your convenience at 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459) weekdays between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. (MT). The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a licensed counselor to call you back. One of them will be in touch just as soon as they’re able. May the Lord lead you to the help you’re seeking.
@@focusonthefamily Thankyou..I am completely devastated at this time. I haven’t stopped crying for two days. Thankyou for your kindness and prayers. The only thing is that I would need your full phone number, as I’m not in your country. Thankyou so much 🌷🙏
Hi Mel, Prayers for your son Joshua.
I think what needs to be looked at before labeling an adult child as defiant is to ask yourself the honest question of “who did I raise?” As a parent who made horrific mistakes with my children, to turn around and label what is really manifested trauma is taking responsibility from what I did. So first look at yourself and how your mistakes created the child. Then go through the process of making amends with your child and accept that the child may not want to make amends or have anything to do with you. Many parents did what even I did at one time: overlook my parenting mistakes. At that point, continue to love and pray for your child, respecting their decision and continue working on making yourself a better parent. I have grandchildren and can honestly say that I am not the person who raised my children.
I’m single mother to four young girls with no immediate relatives near me and no child support either so I have to work more than one job and stayed in graveyard shift for a very long time and this was as my children were in their teen years . I made mistakes and I will not use any excuses for my shortcomings but it was so hurtful that not one of them understood what I had to do for us to survive, why I wasn’t there when they’re scared, why I easily get mad when they’re acting up , there were so many reasons but my only motivations were to protect them and make sure they will never go hungry and be taken away by child services cause I can’t do my job as their mother and provider for them. Now I’m so sick that I can’t work and my children all left me because apparently I have caused them so much pain and hurt. Why kick your mother to the curb while she’s down. Can’t they at least wait a little til I at least get better. I do believe I have good kids and that they are being mislead by their therapists. The pain never stops tho.
Sorry to here this I to am going through the same thing often trying to figure where I went wrong and how to fix it
+Love
+Truth
+Freedom
+Reality
This whole “BOUNDARIES”:series has GREATLY FED THIS EPIDEMIC! Everything is a boundary- if you disagree with me. You know it’s true. You should write a book set the record straight about abusing this boundary bundle
Thanks for your suggestion, Toni. We can certainly understand the feelings you expressed regarding boundaries. Be assured your comments have been passed along. God bless you.
@@focusonthefamily are you accepting responsibility regardless if you believe you are at fault? That's what you tell parents to do when accused by adult children. BTW, I agree that this "boundaries" stuff has led to family estrangement too.
I agree 100 percent. My daughter was way out of line. Jealousy and envy of friends. I had Cancer. Let her do many things with a friend who had parents of wealth. My daughter became manipulative to get what she wanted. When I told her this was wrong, I was cut off. I needed boundaries. It has gone on for 12 years now.
@CM-sy3to I did accept responsibility for all. That only made it worse. My daughter thanked me saying she wanted her mom back then immediately told me I would have to earn her trust. Takes zero responsibility for manipulation of others to get her way. Even sabotaging my character to protect her image. She is nearly narcissistic. Lives a grandiose life. Very ritious. Yet not a humble bone in her body. She keeps all people seperate so there is never a witness of her behavior. It is bizarre
This is also why marrying a person you are equally yoked with is critical. One parent chose Godly pursuits while the other offered the underaged child and friends to drink at home rather than outside the home. I’m shunned as the Godly/wisdom sharing parent. I too have made mistakes along the way. Control vs leniency in a parental combo is toxic.
Basically similar to the 12 step program. Step 4 inventory & making amends due to the harms caused.. Owing own part , letting go of resentments . Gods present 🙏🏼
Same deal works with resentments for Adult Children in Alcoholics in Alanon, they get to make amends helps them recover.
I've gotten a horrible childhood, abused at every level... My birth mother is a NPD. I have no empathy for her. I have honestly never liked her since i was born. No contact for a decade. THE best decision ever. Never been happier. ❤ no bridge for me still going strong ❤
Glad to know I’m not the only one going through this. What do you do when your best efforts to try to communicate with your ‘parent’ has yielded no results? I have tried to set boundaries only for the siblings to get involved and now everyone is involved and mad.
Ask your parents to come to counseling with you for the purpose of reconcilation. You are not doing this for you, you are doing this for your parents, to help them grow through this. Enstragement should be for only the two parties involved, but as you have experienced, it does affect the entire family in a negative way. Enstrangement is only necessary when the offending party refuses to go to counseling with you and/or the one party refuses to repent after going to counseling. Dr. John Daloney says it best in his videos. Enstrangement should never be for the lifetime, just a short period of time (2 weeks, 2 months, etc.) If they don't respect your boundaries, increase the time of enstrangement, but keep reassuring them that you still love them. Always, always keep that door open for reconcilation. Parents aren't perfect. It cracks me up watching adults with no kids try to tell other parents how to parent. Yeah, I did that, too, we all do.... until we have kids of our own. Then we start to understand how are parents did things right and it's easier to forgive the things they did wrong. Please don't give up hope, but please ask them to come to counseling.
Boundaries series changed my life decades ago and I taught the books in my church and saw so many people healed!
7:04 describes me and my son exactly. They stopped speaking to us 2 years ago and have only just come around to re-establish communication, with LOTS and LOTS of boundaries imposed which hurt greatly. But having recently read your book it has helped us to cope, to understand the boundaries even if we don’t agree with them, and with faith and leaning on Christ we trust it will get better as our 30 yr old son and his wife mature, have children, etc.
I would’ve loved to have a seat at this table. I’m a huge fan of all these gentlemen. That said, I want to make it clear if adult children cut off the relationship with their parents, it’s a last ditch effort. Like the gentleman said your family is your primary source of resources, and adult children typically lack the financial security to comfortably make this decision. That being said, it takes a lot to push them over the edge and opt for it. Again, I would love to take a seat at the table and rebut their theories and offer a different perspective because there’s so many factors I see going unmentioned, unacknowledged, or dismissed that would lead up to the circumstances and that serves no one
I mean……clapping for ourselves, only serves us
I can tell that Satan is working really hard to destroy families. He’s definitely at work trying to divide my relationships with my adult children. Thank you for this.
But he won’t
I empathize
Nq
leave satan out of this, take responsibility
@@abdurahmanmohamed3378 Yep. It's Satan and not something the parent is doing. They'll blame anyone to avoid taking any responsibility.
How do you get parents to follow rules? How do you get parents to not slam doors?
I finally did research, trying to figure out why my son treats me as he does. He fits every tenant of the narcissistic personality. As a child this wasn't so, he was always strong willed, but also empathetic and kind. My conclusion is that he has been influenced by the current secular culture to include four years of university influencing, to behave rudely, disrespectfully, insultingly without any care for my feelings. He feels he has the right. BTW, I never, ever abused him in any way.
Your tone sounds like the mother I have estranged. Don’t be so quick to assume you play no part in his lack of respect towards you. My mother wasn’t abusive either but made many poor decisions and chooses to paint to the world that she’s the victim.
Also. If he’s a narcissist… maybe check in the mirror… they usually come from one.
How would you break from any other narcissistic relationship?
Our grown children are people becoming who they choose to become. It might be that they choose to be people who are not healthy for us to have contact with.
Some people are so tough to love, the best way to love them is from afar.
💛🙏
@@kmallen88 The Bible commands children to honor their parents. The reason that is stated is so that the CHILD may live long on the earth. Honoring your parents as much as you are able(I know it can be hard, I had a very difficult mother and a perverted father) will bless YOUR life.
@@cynthiafisher9907 - The Bible should never be taken literally.
@@Julia-b9x Yes, the Bible should be taken literally unless it is obvious it is metaphoric or an analogy. There is no point in reading the Bible if you don’t take it to mean what it says.
I have an estranged adult son, and it hurts much. In our case, he married a controlling liar, who has turned him against us. Very sad. I’m praying for both of them.
Hello, Joni. Your love and concern for your adult child were very evident in what you wrote regarding your relationship with him, and we’re sorry that you’re hurting. Be assured we’ll be praying for you and your son, asking God to bring healing and restoration to your relationship, according to His will and perfect timing.
For further help, we have counselors here at Focus who are available to talk with you by phone to offer encouragement and assistance. If you'd like to discuss your specific situation with a caring individual, we invite you to call us at 1-855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. (MT). The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a counselor to call you back. One of them will be in touch just as soon as they're able. There is no charge for this service; please accept it as our way of assisting you more personally. In the meantime, we encourage you to take a look at the following resources:
“Family Estrangement: 6 Ways to Reconcile with Adult Children” -- bddy.me/3CLhfhS
“Healing Parent and Adult Child Relationships” -- bddy.me/3iDyU4a
We hope you will call our counselors, Joni. They are a great listening ear and place to obtain good counsel. May the Lord's wisdom and hand of grace direct your steps in the days ahead.
My husband and I are going through the same thing! I'm very sorry you are going through this.
Please pray for my son he moved to New York City I’ve not seen or heard for from since 2015 The Lord says when two or more gather in my name I am among them PLEASE help my start a prayer chain that we reconnect 🕊️🙏🏼
Just listened to this for the first time. Thank you for creating this video, and approaching the subject. I am a baby boomer, my mother quite elderly. There is distance between us, emotionally and miles. As well as not admitting or pretending not to remember the things she has done, I will always be blamed. My siblings blame me as well. Their experience was not the same. To everyone else, my mother is a sweet and kind person, so of course whatever strain there is on the relationship has to be my fault. Don't get me wrong, I've tried, but I have to accept the things I cannot change.
Sounds identical to my story. I have forgiven but it still hurts sometimes so I stay away. I still pray for reconciliation.
For some of us, it's because we feel like the limited amount of change we can make through our actions makes it not worth investing our time and energy into those people. Whether due to our inability, or their stubbornness/blindness.
Dr. Townsend’s book was ground breaking for me. I recommend it to ANYONE who is seeking to improve an interpersonal relationship. It is steeped in scripture and practical advice. Thank you, Focus, for broadcasting this session! I so appreciate the work you do.
Thanks, Tracy, for your positive comments! We're glad our broadcast titled "Healing Parent and Adult Child Relationships" with our guest Dr. John Townsend ministered to you personally. God bless you!
I just bought the audiobook. It was recommended to me years ago. I regret not getting to it sooner.
Could not be more timely. Thank you.
My parents divorced when I was 6 and my sister was 3. I always loved my father and always wondered what happened to him. After 43 years of being apart, I found him, ALIVE! Unfortunately my sister resented him our entire lives. I on the other hand, can’t wait to see him in 2 weeks! ♥️♥️♥️🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
I feel so stuck, my only daughter hasn’t talked to me in 5 years. The last 2 years my depression over this had brought me to the deepest depths of sadness. To the point it’s hard to not think about suicide almost daily, I hang on but just barely. I’ve been isolated for years. I don’t understand how I’ll ever be “okay” When I attempted to reach out to my ex husband whom I was married to for 20years it only got worst, he said and I quote “we are waiting for you to die” I am beyond hurting. I’m going to order your books, but even keeping my thoughts from being jumbled long enough to read is challenging. Even writing this I can’t get down in writing how desperately deeply exhausted and full of pain I am in.
Sounds like you are dealing with narcissist. Don't let them destroy your life. Learn how to cope with them. Many youtube videos. I like Dr. Ramoni.
I agree with the above comment. We are dealing with a narcissistic dil, we haven't talked to our son in three years.
Pray for me I raise 3 kids on my own kept them in church , put them in Christian school did the best I could providing clothes Shelder , cars support. Help them and encourage them to get jobs . My older son 21 made lies about me to his wife he wouldnt return any calls or text, my Daughter 23 just the other day I had to block, bc of manipulating and poor treatment to me and she was talk bad about me to last son in the home 17. As I support encourage her. So very hurt more than words can say. Pray everyday for them crying for reconciliation & true repentance
Thanks for your ministry; for making sure the voice of Truth is out there.
When you were giving your thoughts on approaching a family member, I couldn’t help thinking of my own experience and cringing. In my case, not only wouldn’t that work, but it would make things worse.
I think you are giving solid advice, unless the person you’re dealing with is abusive. I was raised by a narcissist. Approaching my mother in the reasonable way you describe here would have set me up for worse abuse. She even took me to family counseling when I was growing up. Whenever the therapist would suggest that she had some things she needed to change, we’d find a different therapist. She was completely closed to seeing her own fault. If anyone disagreed with her, she would insult and ridicule them and cut them off.
I think it’s important to recognize narcissistic abuse for what it is. It cant be dealt with the same way you’d deal with other relationships. Boundary setting looks different and accepting that the person is not safe and keeping your distance is necessary to heal and move forward.
I know you know this already. I wanted to leave my thoughts for another who might need to consider this.
Thank you, appreciated your honesty, changing therapist is classic for some. Both ways, some kids (adults, my daughter is 40, but a kid to me), also leave their therapy to another every time they get to confront it her participation on anything. It is painful to see them going to one person to the other, but eventually the pain will give it in to Gods love and they will be renewed. But in cases where there is only pain and not character problems like narcissism, sociopathy.
I agree, there is no changing a narcissist and they never take accountability, it's always someone else's fault. You can't fix that. It makes your life toxic having them in it
What happened to forgiveness? We don’t feel like we did anything that needs forgiveness, but we have said we are sorry….for whatever! We are not even told what we did! I go from angry to very sad.
Listening in 2024. I love this Godly sound advise.
I keep seeing a book for parents concerning maintaining healthy relationships with adult children - KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND THE WELCOME MAT OUT. I don’t try to tell my four adult children what to do; all four of them freely try to tell me what to do! Where are the books on that, both for me and for them???
Great question, Ginny! Healthy boundaries and mutual respect definitely go both ways. The book Peacemaking for Families (bddy.me/3p9SvIy) has some advice on navigating conflict and differing views and expectations, and our counselors are also here to offer one-on-one guidance (800-A-FAMILY). God's blessings to you!
As my pastor has taught, " we teach all people, even our children how to treat us"... We the parents can choose to get Healed Soul,Spirit and Body, even if we are Christians....Science tells us that Past Trauma stays in us Until there is Healing ..Parents need healing First, then they can Begin to Be the Parent their Adult children need them to be. 1 Peter 5:79 ❣️🕊️🙏
What do you do when your child wants you to attone for mistakes to them. And the issue is that they won't tell you what the mistakes are.
My oldest adopted daughter has not only cut her dad , siblings and I out of her life, but her husband’s side of the family as well! Plus her best friends! If we aren’t perfect in her eyes there is no forgiveness! My daughter was the perfect daughter growing up! Suddenly at the age of 43, 2006 this happened! I accidentally ran into her at Penney’s, 7 years later! I asked her if I could hug her! She agreed! I was nervous so I just chatted and shared life with her like I would with a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time! During a 20 minute period she said to me twice, with the most hateful, evil look on her face “you will never be in my life”! I showed no expression! Just talked with the enjoyment of seeing her! As we were about to part ways, I once again asked her if I could hug her and she again agreed! I told her I loved her! That was 10 years ago! After many miracles and a vision she came to us from Korea! I just keep praying and trusting the Lord to bring her back to us! It was God’s plan she be in our family!
Thank you so much for this broadcast! This encouraged my heart on so many levels! You have provided me with great insight and wisdom to help me strengthen and repair the relationship with my teen. It's a very difficult place to be in but I believe the Lord will turn things around for my family. God Bless You all!
Hi, Misha! We're greatly encouraged by your positive response to our broadcast " Healing Parent and Adult Child Relationships” and we're glad that you were able to relate so personally to the content of it. May God bless you and your family and give you the guidance you’re seeking as you lean on Him day by day. As a part of our ministry, we have counselors here at Focus who are available to talk to you by phone to offer encouragement and assistance. If you think it would be helpful, we invite you to get in touch with them. Here’s the contact info: bit.ly/3eguwRY. Blessings!
Yes He will He is rue my family around as we speak
Focus on the family helped me raise my son as a single mom (never married). He’s been the ideal child who is now a 25 year old police officer. He’s dating a non Christian woman who he’s allowed to pull him away from faith, family and friends. This is the first time we are in bad terms. I came to seek advice
Hii, I had a friend who was dating a non believer girl. His mom started praying (and probably fasting) for her so that his son's girlfriend will find Jesus and give her life to him. It took probably 1 year and littlle by little Jesus conquered her heart . They have been married for more then 10 years and she is a true Christian now, living for Jesus and raising her son in the faith. I hope this helps I pray that everything will be Ok
Thank you all so much!!!
I actually listen to this over again and really do agree with it by listening twice and hearing his suggestions in the full context of what type of child or adult he is approaching.
Great resource as I feel it addresses the parents more than the children, which quite honestly, this generation needs.
Family can be a group of loving friends in adult life, not just blood related relatives who hurt people. We have to know when to let toxic relatives go.
Unfortunately, the word "toxic" is thrown around too easy and an excuse for not putting in the work to reconcile. Conflict is an opportunity to grow.... on both sides.
Alanon Adult Children of Alcoholics-has helped millions around the world for many decades recover from resentments with parents, even when parents aren’t alcoholics.
I have been on both sides of this story. Just because someone is involved in the birth of a child or who your parent)s) are does not mean you can get along or are ignored, taken advantage of...just walk. Yesterday, for Mother's Day, was the last straw for me. I am done again.
So glad, in a very sad way, others are going through this. Trying to live a Christian life and my grown children think I'm crazy. The world(satan) is stealing our children.
Thousands of us. I've emotionally build a wall so when my children unleash on me I just tune them out. Thier father was a horrible narcissistic abusive human whom I had to get save myself and them from. Life was a struggle but now they have successful careers, living well, and I became an "abusive mother"
Thank you for this both parents and children have a responsibility to accept in the conflict
Please pray for my adult children who are extremely smart, both suffer anxiety and addiction, and as I continually forgive the hurt, have done all I can for them, I’m told until I seek therapy that I’m emotionally immature, sad part is there is no talking to them unless I see it their way. I love them dearly 40 and 41. Please pray Jesus heals this family🙏 Thank you my brothers and sisters in Christ
Ask the question, “Why would I continue to reach out to a person who has ditched me and never looked back?”
Chasing rejection is self abuse.
Hope is toxic.
Accept the loss. Let them be dead.
It might change, but it’s also likely that it won’t.
Grieve it like a death and aim up.
Build a life forward.
@Someone's Daughter
I have a daughter who apparently believes as you do. In my case, I never deserted her but did move to another city only 75 miles away. My daughter is an adult with grandchildren of her own. I am sure she knows better. Because of the way she feels, she will be cut out of a big inheritance that she knows nothing about. I do not wish it to be this way but what is a mother to do when she has already done everything she knows to do. Please rethink what you are saying. Your mother probably really loves you. If she is not dead as you seem to want, she probably will be very soon. One day you may wish you had felt otherwise.
@@gereesorrow380 I am a mother who experienced a child’s estrangement. My post is from that perspective.
For two years, I was ghosted and it was a very painful experience.
The only way, for me, to be healthy was radical acceptance of my child’s decision with no more longing.
For me, that resulted in reconciliation as I had decided we could both have beautiful lives with or without one another (and I suspect my acceptance-not longing for contact-no longer fueled the conflict)
I am not a child estranged from my own parents.
My name comes from a complicated backstory…
;)
Got his book and it helped me tremendously. What a blessing it was to me.
Yes it does make life feel much heavier. You said it right
I really believe that if parents aren't there for their children when they're little. If they don't develop that relationship ALL the years during their childhood....if they hurt, abuse,neglect and traumatize their children in their youth they aren't going to want to really be around you in their adulthood. That's just facts.
100% Facts!!!
I beg your pardon, I was always there for my boys,I was a stay at home mom, which I was devoted too. I have 2 boys the oldest is 57 senior pastor at a large church in Charlotte NC. My youngest son 52 a successful business man which one day told his father and I he would not be in contact with us anymore, no explanation or the why. It has been 8 long agonizing years, some days are so hard to get thru. I pray for healing of our family.
There are parents who definitely don't see their disrespect and disregard to their adult children. If they don't see it, they can't change.
The father of the prodigal son waited until the son recognized he had sinned against heaven and his father. What do you say about that option?
Agree
My estrangement story is the result of divorcing a covert narcissist. They love to turn their children against the other parent.
And each other
that's what happened to me..
What about the adult parent and adult child dynamic where the parent and adult child's roles are switched? My mom suffers from mental illness and lack of self control and emotional regulation. She's been emotionally codependent and enmeshed in my marriage for 10 years. Now I recognize the need to have healthier boundaries and for her to understand that I am an adult with my own family now, and she cannot try to manipulate and meddle in decisions that are for me and my husband to make/own for our small children. When I try to communicate love and speak the truth, she has a meltdown and threatens suicide. It is all a hard lesson that I want to be different for my children, and teach them about and model healthy boundaries. Boundaries do not negate grace and love.
Hello, Elizabeth. We’re sorry to hear about the challenging time you’re facing in your relationship with your mother. We want to come alongside you, and the best way we can is to invite you to contact one of our Christian counselors. They would be pleased to offer encouragement and guidance. If this would be helpful, you may call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT).
In the meantime, you might find this book of interest: Boundaries -- bddy.me/3QS5PPj. Know that we’re praying for you, your husband, your children, and your mom. May God bring healing to the situation you described, friend.
@@focusonthefamily Thank you SO MUCH.
When I was on drugs Bad
I did my kids Bad
I been clean for 5 years and I am trying my best to hope they can Forgive me
And I understand If they don't
I'm praying and hoping for another chance
One of my adult children has a personality disorder, like two of my sisters and my mother. She is a grudgemeister which makes it impossible to have a healthy relationship with her. She refuses to get past offenses (real or contrived) that I committed when she was a child. At age 32, she is more distant with me than ever she has been. I’ve been her greatest cheerleader her entire life! I discern that she has trouble spending time with me cuz her conscience is pricked just being in my presence. She’s read and heard so much from many other young adults who have deconstructed the faith of their upbringing cuz their parents brainwashed them. Friends and family have caused her to question my love for her. Friends of mine whose adult children have alienated themselves from them have been counseled by their so-called Christian friends to put distance between themselves and their parents. I see this huge mess being caused by children disobeying the commandment to HONOR YOUR PARENTS! They should be shaking in their shoes!
We're very sorry, Ginny. Please do call us if you'd like to speak with one of our counselors about your situation. May God bless you and give you the wisdom you're seeking.
Wow! You and I sound a lot alike. I’m certain my daughter has a personality disorder from having had 3 kids and going undiagnosed with postpartum. She cut her father and I off almost 3 years ago. She will not even talk or discuss anything with us and only says we need to get “REAL” counseling and change ourselves and report to her about our therapy appointments and books and blogs we have done??? We haven’t seen our 3 beautiful grandchildren since in 3 years!
@@GordStandcumbe I’m so sorry! That is absolutely heartbreaking I know! “The splitter” - satan - is quite adept at splitting families! How followers of Jesus want to give him/it such power is unfathomable to me! My heart is broken for you! 💔
My daughter sounds very similar. After 10 years of counseling her therapist has her convinced I am a narcissist. When she was younger if she didn't hear what she wanted, she would hang up on me. I haven't been to therapy with her, so a therapist only knows what she tells them. I was supportive, and always there for her. She has ghosted me, and I am in the dark.
@@whizbang7130 I’m so sorry you are experiencing this heartbreaking situation with the girl you raised! Counseling for our young adults is NOT helping! It’s making them focus on themselves instead of where their focus should be - on Jesus! Their dishonoring of their parents is epidemic across our land and caused by satan, the splitter! he’s gleeful over the chaos he’s helped create, along with the world and the flesh! I pray your prodigal returns!
Please pray for my relationship with my adult son Angel , who’s 36 yr old … due to respect he was put out at 18-24 …. And has been back finally for the last 2 years however, he still is disrespectful and doesn’t do a thing to help at home …. We recently had a huge blow out and I lost my mind… but he plays victim and makes me feel guilty if he’s asked to grow up . I’ve always been there for him always attending all his baseball, football games thru age 18 and wrestling…. Was always a team mom and classroom mom …. He’s my 1st born only son and 3 girls but this is so hard . 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏Thank u 🥲
We’re so sorry to hear about the challenges you’re facing with your son, Rosemary. Be assured of our prayers for you, Angel, and your entire family, asking the Lord to draw you all closer to Himself and bring healing and restoration to your relationship in the days ahead. May He fill your home with His peace even in the midst of this painful situation. Also, if you fell it’ll be helpful, we'd like to encourage you to call us at 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT) to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you.) God ‘s best to you and yours, friend.
Don’t put up with it anymore
Look to the word
Forgive in your heard but show him the door and stop enabling.
You are not helping. Gods bless,
I understand your pain and situation.
Rosemary my heart goes out to you. Its very painful to be misunderstood and endure lack of respect in your own home. Please watch Allison Bottke on this podcast. She discusses boundaries with your adult children and is full of wisdom. I hope this helps🙏🙏🙏
I have been blessed by Focus!!!
(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). Just because Two Children Grew Up in the Same Home and had the Same Parents Doesn't Mean They had the Same Childhood
My adult child is SPC Hoffman MP and AEMT… she is 22 years old and moved back home and it makes me happy. Before she moved here I was looking for someone to split the rent with me. I asked her for half the rent. It upset her and she brought up several things about different things and one thing about the decisions she had to make bc of her childhood (not verbatim) but that is what she was saying.
I love her and I’m so proud of her. I raised her on my own since she was 10 months old.
I’d do it all over again and make right the things I did wrong …
Jesus being the Head in the family where all, both parents and children submitting to Him/God's Word will be the beginning. Then being able to listen without judging oneanother is key, prayers together and helping in every part of life would help creating bonds that are strong. Always in grace and truth - that should be it
True, setting ourselves aside to build the bridge is crucial.
Ideally 🥰
Thank you for caring! Sending love!
This is great if both parties are willing to try!!
The lets talk about it mindset >>>>
The kids would have to be sane to heal anything. I’ve tried it thousands of times. Same thing over and over and over and over and over and over nonstop forever.
(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). Every Interaction with Ur CHILD is an Opportunity to EXAMINE Ur BELIEFS THOUGHTS ASSUMPTIONS MOTIVATIONS and VALUES so az to becomb moor Conscious and Give to Children KEYS INSTEAD OF CHAINS
My mother has a big wall up I think has been there her whole life, I'm trying to pray for healing for her , it's tough BC I can't disconnect or connect
My mother misguided and devalued me and never supported r encouraged,,her words and actions damaged me she says she had , given birth and brought me into world,
Those who do not value children r immature,. there r certain rules that every parents should follow.
So true. So true. This is more prevalent in the ultra religious and/or certain cultural backgrounds.
Thank you for addressing manipulation.
I'm 32 married with children of my own and my parents have always been manipulative and still are to this day. I've really tried to tell them I haven't found their approach to be very fruitful yet they have used this default to raise my other 4 siblings ages 13-28.
Anyone wanting to pay $40,000-$60,000 for in-vitro fertilization should watch this episode first 😁
😅😅😅😅
True. 😂
ABS0LUTELY, LoL!
Sometimes I think about folks trying to have kids ... I want to tell them how Wonderful and Loyal dogs are, haha!
Seriously though, my 4 adult kids, I have 2 boys & 2 girls, and our girls have split our Family and walked out on us ... My Faith is a huge issue for them.
I don't know what to do about their being mad about being raised in Faith.
😂😂😂😂 wow bet they will change minds after watching this episode 😂
Your words of wisdom are priceless and so appreciated!! Thank you🙏 Thank you🙏Thank you🙏
Wow thnku so much this has been truly awesome wondrful practical steps to parenting 🙏🙏
Can someone speak on parents who’s controlling and almost seemingly manipulative with their adult children (children 40 & 44 yo). After attempting to to have a hard talk with the parent, the parent shuts down screams, blames the child then hang up the phone…. All within about 5m of the conversation.
The parent can not see how they are wrong in any way but the child is always the one to blame.
Thanks for reaching out with this request. We hope this article will offer some wisdom and direction. - bddy.me/3r9LMiX. We also have a staff of pastoral counselors available to offer reassurance, answer questions, and pray with you. If you think it would be helpful, we’d like to invite you to speak with one of them at your convenience. Just call 800-232-6459 between 6:00 A.M. - 8:00 P.M. (MT), Mon - Fri. The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a pastoral counselor to call you back. There’s no cost for this -- we just want to come alongside you in any way we can.
You tube commercials are intrusive and they dont coincide with the subject of the channel we are watching.
My daughter has made horrible accusations about me allowing my grandkids to get molested by my ex which none of it is true. My heart is shattered ill I have is prayer, I haven't seen my grandkids going on year. I miss my daughter and grandkids so much 😢 Jesus helps me get by everyday I feel as though I'm in a dream, a bad one Jesus help me please pray for us🙏🙏🙏🙏
We're sorry to hear about your situation, Anita. Our hearts go out to you, and we are here
to come alongside you in any way we can. Please know that we'll be praying for you, your daughter, and your grandkids, asking the Lord to intervene in your situation, draw you closer to Himself and to each other in the days ahead. Also, we have counselors here who can listen and pray with you. Here’s the contact info: bit.ly/2ItKdoE. May God's comfort and peace be very real to you.
Why wouldn’t you believe yr daughter but believe yr ex?
@Sunshine Star there was never an opportunity for him to do anything I was always present and the kids were never alone with him.
Thank you 😍 Salt tears runs down my cheeks...
Boundaries.We all need to function in them. The estrangment issue is truly alarming. The breakage might be another sign of the times
It was mentioned here the precedent may be a parent who may hv been too soft or too harsh An adult son/daughter not wanting to forgive who is now busy satisfying other relationships and decides relationship w parents is too much trouble.
I liked when the Dr said Tuthing people is lacking. Implementing hard truths is missing
and writing people off is up
My husband & I hv worked hard at repairing our relationship with our son. He sez he wants 2b part of our lives but his actions speak of someone who is fixed on living life in rejections to God's best
My adult children all turned their backs on me not allowing me to see my grandkids because I divorced their dad after 37 years. They say I hurt their daddy. My ex died 7 months after the divorce and he always told me that he would take my kids away if I left him. I haven’t seen my grandkids in almost two years. I am not perfect but I am tired of always saying I’m sorry I was wrong and I’ll resubmit to my previous place in the family. I am so sad and broken hearted not getting to see my grandkids. My kids refuse to even talk to me and tell me why they are angry. My ex was abusive the last seven years. They justify him and blame me for trying to protect my younger theee adopted children
😭so good. Thank you, this is so helpful, TAKE NOTES IF YOU NEED! I needed to 💝
Did you try the approach, and if so, was it successful? I just watched this video, and I would like to try it with my estranged adult children.
Everything you and everyone else in this field talks about has to do with young adults trying to make their own way in the world. My children were 30 (son estranged for 16 years) and 41 (daughter estranged for 3 years). Our son married a mentally ill woman with 3 children. Big issues from day one. They have a 17 year old together. Our daughter is a strong Christian and married a man that seemed to be a strong Christian as well. Things were great for 15-16 years. She was my best friend, 3 wonderful grandchildren, great friends with his parents, vacations with them and his parents, etc. But he and his parents started getting controlling and we weren't real compliant with their manipulations. It got worse and worse until they started lying about us and accusing me of awful things. Then they cut us off completely and efforts to talk to them were met with extreme hostility and eventually a VPO completely based on lies. Many others deal with this kind of evil attacks on their families, and no one talks about it. They only talk about young adults in their late teens to about 30. Please do a show to help the rest of us.
what a thoughtful and well-presented video, Dr. Townsend! your insights on healing relationships are really valuable. though, i can't help but wonder if the focus on parental responsibility might overshadow the importance of personal accountability in these dynamics. it seems like both sides need to own their part for real healing to happen. what do you all think?
@14:00 i don't now if it's close to even possible that my parents would EVER say anything hopeful or healing like that to me. The only thing I could think of is confessing hurt and past wounds they did tjat impacted me and then putting up boundaries if they continue to act and do the same hurtful disconnected patterns that they have no present day problems with repeating.
The lack of access to Christian counseling has been a deficit in my life. Cannot afford it & have no church support. My son would be less troubled today if I had spiritual coaching.
Hello, Sue. If you’d like to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a counselor to call you back. One of them will be in touch just as soon as they're able. We said a prayer for you and your son. May the Lord's wisdom and hand of grace direct your steps in the days ahead.
its so true there is a real disconnect in our Churchs to help families and often times your just shuffled off to a 'crisis' mental health unit, run by the government. We need Church's to recognize that our community is one that supports us. This is the case in Jewish communities, and Mennonites' but the Christians/Catholic really lack in support.
I tried to rescue my mom (and by extension my dad) from a toxic 'friend' who has been manipulating/abusing/scamming them for money for a period of years, and to whom my mom feels she has a duty of care as a Christian. My challenge, after years of warning mom and dad, and my dad agreeing with me, was to finally tell this 'friend' to STOP being abusive and asking for money from my parents' dwindling funds for their own old age. I was respectful, and pointed the friend to agencies that could help her etc. The result? My mom cut me out/off/blocked me from communicating with her (ie with my mom!). The 'friend' said I have effectively 'murdered' her and she can't believe I call myself a Christian. Yep, dysfunctional and toxic woman. It's heart-breaking, and I still feel I did the right thing, but after 5 months... still no contact. Should I just have let the abuse continue? What does it mean to honour your parents?
Thank you for sharing this, Andrea. While we're not aware of all of the details, we can hear your heart and we know you care very much for your parents. Please know that we have a staff of pastoral counselors available to offer reassurance, answer questions, and pray with you. If you think it would be helpful, we’d like to invite you to speak with one of them at your convenience. Just call 800-232-6459 between 6:00 A.M. - 8:00 P.M. (MT), Mon - Fri. The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a pastoral counselor to call you back. There’s no cost for this -- we just want to come alongside you in any way we can In the meantime, we have an article on our website that might offer some insight about manipulative people - bddy.me/3Fe3Oau. We hope this reply has been helpful.
I feel like it's too late now. I tried for over three years to get my mother to listen to me, but because my father always backed her up, she wasn't motivated to listen to me. I had given up every time before, every other time she gave me the silent treatment I eventually capitulated and said ''um, i'm sorry I upset you'' even though all I'd done was try to draw some boundary or ask her not to label me. But this time I held firm. I did not stop trying to be heard. And I have been written out of the family. I don't exist. I'm not a real person to her. I tried to talk to my Dad on his own but he is just annoyed with me for ''upsetting mum''. I realise she is UNREACHABLE. Like, not a 3 d person. It's devastating. What a sham of a family.