Learning Your New Role as the Parent of an Adult Child - Jim Burns
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- Опубликовано: 13 сен 2024
- Once your child becomes an adult, your relationship will inevitably change. In this dynamic presentation, Dr. Jim Burns helps parents of adult children see how they can help, or hurt, this evolving relationship. As a parent transitions to the role of a coach, they can interact with their adult child in ways that minimize conflict and maximize godly influence.
Get the book, Doing Life with Your Adult Children: bit.ly/3X3PIS5
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I have a friend who has lost two out of three daughters in their 30’s to cancer. I value any time my two boys have for me now that they are adults. One lives 12 hrs away and has four children of his own. He raises them differently than he was raised. That’s his right. It’s easier for me to visit him the vice versa. I accept that. I will do anything in my power to make their life easier while I’m still breathing. My son has told me over and over he appreciates everything I offer to do for them. My youngest son lives with me and my husband. Over the years he has gradually taken on the majority of all our responsibilities and maintenance around our home. He has left several times throughout the years but has always come home when he wanted to, and he was always welcomed back. He’s a tremendous help and i feel very fortunate. Life is short folks. There’s no “one size fits all”. We don’t get a “do over”. Love each other as individuals and enjoy every minute you have. You don’t know when it will be all over.
I don’t want anything from my three adult children, all in their thirties. I don’t need them to need me. I want them to want me just every so often. They don’t have to call me daily, weekly or monthly. A three minute call just to say hello, hope things are going well, miss you, etc., would be great. Unfortunately, we never hear from them. If we want to see them and the grandkids, we have to make the financial and time commitment to go to them. Unfortunately, this one sidedness often falls flat and feels empty because their lack of effort of any kind in the relationship is not reciprocal. They are not living Christian lives although having been raised in a Christian home. I believe this is the great divide. We now have no shared values upon which to continue to build a firm foundation. The hard reality is that people make time for those things and people that matter to them…period
One understands what you must be going through. However I like to tell you that you are not alone. I have no idea which country you are from, but it's a human trait nowadays to forget parents. Well our children are now in our shoes, they are parents and will experience the same. So we Bless them and release them. You take care of yourself.
Hello, @Orborn3580. We're sorry you are going through this. If you feel it might be helpful to talk more in-depth with one of our counselors, please don't hesitate to give us a call at 1-800-232-6459. In the meantime, know that we are keeping you and your family in our prayers. Grace and peace to you! - Julia J
🙏🏼I’m seeing this happen with my young adult kids. I say be strong in The Lord, remain joyful and hopeful. This to me means keep living for Christ and do my part . When they do reciprocate in small ways it means so much to me. I hope they never give up and stop loving us which some family members have 😢
Yes, the adult children in my life continue to ask for help when they make bad decisions.
They don’t call unless they need something.
It is frustrating and hurtful.
I’ll listen to this over and over until I get it right! Thank you I really need this.🙏🏾🙏🏾I’m 62 with 5 grown kids🤯
Me too
Good message! Been praying for yrs for my situation. Glad I'm not alone. Thank you for your message.
Excellent advice. I have a 40 year old son that "launched" when he went to college. Married with two children. Done everything on their own. They love Jesus. I always likened it to a mother bird letting her baby fly away on their own. God has richly blessed them and thry know it. 🙏 ♥
Wonderful presentation that I NEEDED! Thank you so much! I need that book!
Thanks for the powerful messages.. indeed it is a good reminders for ourselves to land our helicopter and focus on building a legacy 😊 of course, as parents, we need to keep them in constant prayers that God will grant them wisdom, stature and favour from men and God🙏
Absolutely great advice. It takes time to fully release our children but it is inevitable, no doubt.
Thank you for this. I have a good relationship with my 3 adult sons and I want to keep that going! I am eager to be a grandparent and fully jump into that role as much as my kids allow. I ordered the book! Thanks again!
We're glad you enjoyed the broadcast, @Goldiloxandthe3bears! God bless you and your family!
-Luna H.
This was a good message 😢. I have 4 adult children still living at home. I’m worried about their failure to do real life. And their walk with Jesus. “This my family it will is little and broken but it’s still good!”
This message is so instructive and liberating! Thank you 🌹
My youngest in her thirties and addicted to Fentanyl. It’s a nightmare. She weighs about 60 lbs. homeless living in her boyfriend’s mom shed in back yard. My granddaughter has moved to another town with her dad’s family. The more I pray the worst the situation becomes. Now she’s stealing from me and I consider her very dangerous. She tricks me out of money, it goes on and on. She even checked herself out of hospital after being treated for sepsis against physician advice. Law enforcement says nothing they can do because she’s an adult. Please pray for her and also for me as I’m elderly with lots of health problems. I did the best I could raising her as a single mom. She had lots of opportunities to excel in life but chose this road.
@lindalee4437 Our hearts and prayers go out to you and your daughter. Please know that we're here to come alongside you in any way that we can. If you think it may be helpful to talk things over with someone (at no cost to you), please give us a call at 1-800-232-6459.
-Luna H.
I will keep you and your daughter in prayer. ❤
@@patriciabrisley8893 thank you
@@focusonthefamily thank you
🙏🏻Ing for you two💕❤️💕
Wise words from my brother, best friend and neighbor! Excellent video thank you so much! Enjoyed from Texas!
It is difficult to parent an adult child that is constantly making bad decisions and expecting help from you. Enabling vs. Helping is an important lesson to learn as a parent of adult children.
How I love my three adult child and two grandchildren. ❤
The answer I’ve been looking for for 10 years! Thank u so very much!
I know someone who has adult grandsons who are all still living at home, failure to launch really seems to be a thing
Should have heard this sooner but I’m learning!
I loved this❤❤❤
What would you say to parents who raise their kids up in the church and knew the gospel and lived it the best they could …one of the kids had mental issues in her team years, the younger one was just trying to get through all of it… both of them ending up at Christian colleges, but walking away from the Lord?
We want to have the best relationship we can with our children, but both of them live far, one lives in another country, and the other one lives really far from us in the states. We all have very different views on basically everything, but we still have a relationship, which is amazing. It just feels exhausting to avoid so many topics!
Hi Lisa, We are sorry to hear about the direction your children have decided to go. Please know that we are praying for you and your children. We also would like to encourage you to check out our adult parenting resources. Here is the link bit.ly/43bjOnS However if you would like someone to pray with you, we would like to invite you to call us and talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). May the Lord continually bless you, Ella L.
Thank you for this. I needed this.
Solid advice that is so on point. Every point resonated!!
This book helped me with my adult daughter. ❤
It would be good to make a Video on - Parent / ''Adult'' Child (un-healthy) Co-dependency vs. (healthy) Interdependence ; )
Im divorced and my children now in 30s and 40s and they are not just wonderful......they understand that at times i revert to 'put on your coat'.....but its just my care, i do try mot to and im definitly getting better at biting my tongue
Oh this is hard.
So good!!!
Amen
Awesome
What happens when the adult children don't want advice, they insist on a bad choice. They then come to parents to help pay for the results. Since they're making their own choices, are they responsible for dealing with the outcome?
My kids are all grown, and from my point of view ,as much as it hurts to see them suffer , they need to live with their choice and not you.
Yes. Experience is the Best teacher. Let them learn they will grow. Don't interrupt their growth.
What a great question, @marilynmiller5075! Here's an article that may help provide some insight- bit.ly/47dB3s1. Additionally, if you'd like to talk things over in more depth with someone, please give us a call at 1-800-232-6459.
-Luna H.
Jesus said Who is my father or mother or brother or sister is he who does the will of my father in heaven. If my adult child was living contrary to the word of God. I would treat them as any other person who is lost and tell them to repent for the kindgom of God is at hand. I would not wink at their sin. Because tomorrow is not promised, today is the day of salvation. If they choose reject me then they are choosing to reject Jesus. And that is the cost of being a disciple of Christ. People will reject you because they have rejected Jesus. But if one person repents, there is much celebration in heaven. God is no respecter of persons, and neither am I. A servent is no greater than his master.
@mr.taylor3664 .... Absolutely 100% Correct - DEAD ON Comment Mr. Taylor !! Well said & Thank-you for 'speaking' TRUTH !! : ) ~ Especially ''Don't wink at their Sin'' ! & of-like ...
I disagree with one thing. If your adult child is living in sin and you "expand the relationship" as he said, you are making it too easy for them to stay in sin. If you allow the relationship to suffer, you are allowing a consequence to manifest that will create pressure for them to come back. Of course you don't want to hammer them with judgment and condemnation to achieve this! But speak the truth in love as often as the Lord creates the opportunity. They can choose to withdraw or lean in. The choice needs to be theirs. The bible never gave an example of God drawing in closer to someone who is in active rebellion to mu knowledge. On the contrary. The prodigal sons dad let the son go to run wild and then embraced him when he came back.
Jesus came into our dark world to create an exit for us who were lost... He came to walk with us *if* we repent in order to walk the same direction as him. Paul said we are not to eat with people who claim to be christians but are living in sin. That may not be the exact, one size fits all answer to every single situation but its a principle to really consider.
As long as we remember that Jesus began every relationship with every sinner by dying for them so they could become a saint... we should continue to love and lay our lives down just as he did. But he spoke the truth while also reaching out at the same exact time. Delicate balance!
Romans 2,4 God's kindness leads to repentence!
You can let them know truth. But keep the door open because of you slam it they won’t come back. You aren’t as important to them as they are to you.
You mentioned the prodigal son, I'm sure the Dad did not remind him of his sin daily..I know the son never returned as a perfect child. Jesus showed us unconditional love, just like we are to show our children. You.makenit sound as it's conditionally based on whether u, as their parent, feel their in sin, or not.
@@ronihayes9840yes, I agree with the Father,not bringing up his son's sins. The son came back knowing his own sins
Both father and son were given a Willing heart
Watching this for my mom! 😅
Ha! Same. My mother is perfect and she has a terrible middle aged daughter.
Oh perfect that is great advice. I’m living it now. Oh Lord I’m trying. Only with the Lords help
If my kids need me now, I would feel I did a poor job raising them. At least when I am gone, I know they can take care of themselves. I have four, now two men and two women; I keep having to tell myself they live in a new time frame and they know more about it than I; who am I to tell them how to manage things? They seldom call - unless they need an honest opinion, they know I will tell them the truth.
Stepmom whose two adult stepsons moved in -never raised them-and they seem content to not try to move out. So frustrating!
Good advice‼️👍🏼😊 please pray for my children to come back to Yeshua, and for my daughter CC to be delivered from transgenderism🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻Thank you❣️
great msg! right on time & point. I claimed Isa. 43:18-19 for my son (youngest) years ago, now for my prodigal daughter (oldest).
What if they have mental health problems. We have gotten him help with counseling and medication. He has a hard time holding a job for a long period of time.
I’m in my fifties and my mom still treats me like I’m 15.
Enjoy every moment! It drove me crazy when she would called me her “baby” but I’d love to hear her say that again. I realize now it was said in so much love. No one loves me the way she did. I wish I would have understood that.
I'm also in my 50's and my mum still treats me like I'm 15! 😂 I try to bite my tongue.....
Wouldn’t it be nice to have problems like in this message? I have a father who doesn’t love his children and actually wants bad for them. Oh well, I have a good Heavenly Father.
Pondering your childrens choices in prayer helps land helicopter
We did not send our kids to Christian colleges. State school is where I got saved. If I were to do it over again I would find a way to get the kids in Christian colleges. Public university has changed. A student said to me at least Christian colleges apply positive peer pressure.
Totally depends upon the kid. If your studying divinity possibly.
My kid walked away from Christianity at a Christian college 😢 God’s not done with her, but just remember that Christian college is not what will save a soul. Many people that don’t even know Christ are in churches and Christian colleges.
My 21 year old says college is not for him.
He dropped out of the plumbing program he had us enroll in.
He just got fired again from his job.
Idle in the basement with no clear goals. He ignores every opportunity to communicate with him. What can I do
We're sorry to hear you're facing a challenging time with your son @marymensah6233. Please be assured that we are here to come alongside you in any way we can. If you think it may be helpful to talk things over with someone, please give us a call at 1-800-232-6459. In the meantime, you may find these resources useful in providing you with some guidance:
bit.ly/47H2M43
bit.ly/3XH2t6s
bit.ly/3XEewBz
Our hearts and prayers go out to you during this time.
-Luna H.
😀🙏
I despise generational names, calling a whole generation with one nondescript name its despicable
I strongly disagree that parents are fired once our kids are adult. God has ordained parents to be there for them to run to for advice, to unload for prayer and more that parents are able to do as God empowers us.
What do you do when your kids don't let you speak truth into your grandkids' lives but want you around to entertain them?
What a great question @victoryamartin9773. We'd like to encourage you to give us a call (at no cost to you) at 1-800-232-6459. We'd be happy to offer any guidance we can!
-Luna H.
Set a boundary for yourself. That means do what you know is right and do not do what you know is wrong. They have to want it more than you do, or at least the same. I am not yet a grandmother so I can’t speak from experience, and I pray that I don’t experience that. I have prepared myself that if it does ever happen to me then I will continue to pray but in the meantime find a young Christian couple with children that will adopt me and I can adopt as Christian family. I would not want to miss out on being able to leave a spiritual legacy or experience the blessings of a Christian family with the multiple generations. I will always love my blood family but the truth is that they don’t always share the bond and blessings of Christ’s body. I know this to be true because my own parents and I don’t have that bond. I still love and honor them as much as I can, but have received so much love and nurturing from older people at church. ❤
@@mariamiller4035 It's true. My pastor's children are my grandkids' ages, and they have asked me to teach them Sunday School. They have put no limits on what I can say to them. It is a blessing, although being with them reminds me of the grief I feel for my grandkids.
Yikes is all I can say
Absolutely great advice. It takes time to fully release our children but it is inevitable, no doubt.