We're sorry you're going through a difficult time, @michellefarnell1878. Unfortunately, we’re not able to provide counseling by email, text messaging, or through social media channels. We’ve found that writing or texting isn’t an effective way of offering advice when complex or serious life issues are involved. As an alternative, we encourage you to speak about your situation with one of our counselors (at no cost to you). Just contact us at 1-855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays from 6:00 A.M. to 8:00 P.M. (MT). The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a counselor to call you back. One of them will be in touch just as soon as they’re able. You may also request a callback by visiting our Counseling Consultation & Referrals page - bit.ly/3olAU3N. We hope this is helpful. -Luna H.
I believe this is more common than we know. It's a very lonely emotional desert to spend decades trying to remedy, but it takes two people to improve the relationship.
You have described my husband. He jokes and is very social yet he is disconnected wirh me. Only emotion is anger which gets worse as he ages. He didn't show any emotion at his Father and Brothers funerals. In 23 years l have only witnessed tears once. He never says how he feels. Needless to say l am now disconnected from him too. We just share a house.
That perfectly describes my husband. We were married 35 years and I finally left. He only seemed to be happy around his siblings, not me or our children. Anger was his only emotion.
Been going through this for 12 years. We’ve even been to Hope Restored, FOTF’s marriage intensive… I am always seeking guidance and encouragement because it can be really hard to stay. I think ultimately I have to decide if God is enough. Of course I want to connect with my husband and feel seen and known by him. I want a beautiful marriage here on earth. Keeping my eyes on the Lord gives me room to tolerate the imperfections in my marriage, even in the hurt. The hurt doesn’t go away but I’m not walking it alone. I take comfort in that. I still hope and pray for change. Only the Lord can do that.
Hi Emily! Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. We know it's not always an easy thing to do. Please know that we are praying for you and would like to encourage you to continue to place your trust in the Lord. (Prov 3:5) as you continue to stand for your marriage. If you’d like to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). Blessings, Ella L
I've been divorced two decades and God pulled me through and gave me the grace and mercy to give me the strength and peace to be at peace with myself. My marriage was extremely sinful and I was not going to live like that. When I chose God, he told me to go ahead and file divorce. He was never available or connected emotionally and intimate, other than sex, and refused to change. When I asked him about his relationship with God, he tells me it's none of my business 😮😢😮 I am very peaceful and happy with myself and the hard work I've done on myself and living good clean life😊😊
I wish I could share this video with my husband so he might understand how I feel. We are both in our 70's and been married for 42 years. I have no hope for change because he feels he doesn't need counseling.
This video really hit me hard, just a few weeks ago, my partner, whom I’ve been with for five years, decided to leave me for someone else. I love him so much, and I can’t imagine my life with anyone else. I’ve tried everything to forget about him, but it feels impossible. I’ve even tried to get him back, but nothing seems to work. I feel so lost and frustrated, and I can’t get him out of my mind. I don’t even know why I’m sharing this here, but I really miss him and can’t stop thinking about him.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Letting go of someone you love deeply is incredibly hard. I was in a similar situation-my 12-year relationship ended, and it was devastating. Like you, I couldn’t just let go, and I did everything I could to get him back. Eventually, I sought help from a spiritual counselor, and he helped me get my partner back.
Thankyou for addressing this subject. As a divorced woman who lived 2 decades with a disconnected man it is so encouraging to see men willing to better themselves to be the best husband they can be. This gives me hope❤
Yes, but why are they able to change and do it right with the next woman (wife or girlfriend) in their life, but couldn’t or were unwilling to do it with you??
Don't underestimate the hurt on both sides of a broken relationship. (I am talking about when there are no third parties involved). The person who leaves (or initiates the break) has usually been feeling rejected for a long time - their pain has been a drawn out process & now they have made the decision to end it, it may appear that they are not that devastated by it. The person who has just been told this is happening often deals with their rejection in one big hit & they are devastated. Both husband & wife have been really emotionally hurt, but the process was different. As I said at start - Don't underestimate the hurt on either side. Be kind to one another. 💒
@mrs.rubytang9183 i disagree. My husband keft me with 4 kids 9 years ago. Dropped the bomb on me. A few years later we tried again but then 3 years ago i kicked him out. We worked it out and now we understand what had happened to hurt us both and recommited to one another. Both times, we both were hurting deeply. My husband was kind but left me. The last time i was kind but kicked him out kindness isn't what saves a marriage and lack of it isnt what breaks one.
@@mrs.rubytang9183based on the hard hearts they did not biblically have reason to divorce. Unless there was adultery biblically they both had no right to remarry..They are now in non covenant marriages and very deceived. So sad He could not simply stand for his first marriage but instead he is choosing to make money off of their pain. How is that repenting and humbling oneself ?
Both my husband and I are emotionally disconnected. I was so focused on taking care of the kids and working on my mental health that i neglected him. I didnt realize how bad it was until i was blindsided by divorce. This is the hardest pill to swallow. Im trying to learn from this.
same atp. I'm surface and show love but according to spouse we aren't. I realize it and don't know how to change it. I'm trying to focus on my mental and physical health. he is lashing out verbally.
42 years with an Asperger's husband I have said 100s of times u r the only person who can live and function without a heart...no compassion no sympathy no respect narcissist but by God's grace I have survived still together only because I make $70O month SS where can I go..but to the Lord..he cares only about himself I have Rheumatoid arthritis never ask how r u feeling Never
The most important thing is that if you have Jesus, that is enough! He is all you need! And by His mercy and grace there’s someone who helps you providing for your needs with the name of “husband” even though you don’t feel him as one. Overcome your suffering worshipping and giving thanks to the Lord for that man, stop judging and telling him harsh words. Close the doors to self pity , to judging and complaint. just bless him everyday and bless your heavenly Father!
Question for you: how are you? How do you deal with that? I lived with man for 6.5 years and couldn't take it any more and I left him; the love of my life. Then I turn around and marry a man i shouldn't have, same type of guy, disconnected emotionally. I'm done with that nonsensense. Had a boyfriend the same so I left him as well i'm totally done. Sorry didn't mean to vent.
@@Ruby-zx8fk grief settles in the lungs. For 16 years I suffered and grieved a marriage devoid of emotional intimacy. Now I have chronic lung disease, which I’m pretty certain has taken years off my life.
@@djpowell4928 Im so sorry you are going through this😢 as someone in a marriage for 33 years with this type of man, what advice would you give me to help my health?
Dit is baie interessant om mans te hoor praat oor die huwelik, hoe hulle voel daaroor en hoe hul kan raad gee. Ek reken ook om emosioneel aan mekaar verbind te wees te alle tye is baie belangrik. Dit verklaar n mens se behoeftes deurentyd aanmekaar. Dit dink ek is die gom wat twee aanmekaar bind. Hieruit kan liefde groei en veroorsaak nie gapings om van mekaar af weg te groei nie.
I used to be married to a man who, right from the beginning, right after the honeymoon, informed me that when the time comes that I have any 'emotional' needs, I am to take them to a friend, because he would not help me there. Sigh...so, needless to say, we didn't last long.
Jim’s “old self” was my former husband… that’s why we divorced… now I’m happily remarried to a wonderful man who can get in touch and be vulnerable. So thankful Jim has done the hard work of being connected and vulnerable and sharing his story with others!
Our pastor told my husband and me during counseling that men are usually better 2nd husbands than 1st husbands. True words. I'm still married to the 1st husband. :)
Your pastor is sweet to say that but from what I've seen since I was in HS in my relatives, most men don't remarry. They just get sad or bitter and live the rest of their life through their kids.
Errm, not true - men or women are no better being 2nd - unless they truly understood reason they divorced in the first instance - 2nd marriages are prone to divorce. People need to work through their crazies first before dumping on someone else
These comments are eye-opening. I'll just share something my Dad told me a couple months ago: Try not to focus on what your spouse isn't doing for you. Instead, focus on what you can do for your spouse. In a big way, how your spouse acts toward you is out of your control. But you can control how you act toward them. So focus on what you can control. This is very hard but helps some, I think. Will we love our spouses even though we are hurting? Hang in there guys!
@@michi9899 I think it gives you peace knowing you're behaving very Christ-like toward your mate. Instead of hurting and being hurt. You know? It's more a positive way to live.
@davidchupp4460 the Bible clearly states that you can even give your body to be burned but if you don't have love it's worth nothing, you must have the attributes of love such as kindness, patience etc. plus be led by the Holy Spirit and have the fruits of The Spirit, not as easy as it sounds
Love is most definitely be a feeling.. however feelings change from day to day, and love also needs to be a COMMITMENT.. so that when the feeling 'fades' a couple remains committed to staying together. Too many marriages end in divorce because they no longer 'feel' in love/ the love has died, instead of trying to work through the issues and put the time needed into the relationship.
I broke a friendship because of this, it was all about her all the time, i walked extra miles to show her my care and my love for her as friend, my birthday was never important to her, i got tired of it
Please pray for us. I too am married to a VERY disconnected Man. I pray the Holy Spirit will show him how he is, and how i'm hurting😢😢.. i can't take it anymore... i feel like.. he's not just not connected.. he treats me like his servant and even enemy at times🙈🙈.. there's so much more than just "not connected"😭😭
We're sorry you're going through a difficult time in your marriage, @jenniferg.8242. Please know that we will be praying for you, asking the Lord to restore your connection and intervene in your marriage. If you'd ever like to talk things over with someone (at no cost to you), please give us a call at 1-800-232-6459. We're here to come alongside you in any way that we can. -Luna H.
Same here. I try to love unconditionally, but some days are very difficult. Thirty four years ..I am praying for the Holy Spirit to reach him through dreams, visions, or any means to get him to acknowledge his feelings past, and present.
My husband (35 yrs.) is a professionally diagnosed narcissist, an addiction recovery pastor, separated from me for one year (I began standing up for myself which he labeled toxic) came home two years ago but remains separated in-house. He will not file but keeps a divorce worksheet at home. I do not want to file but am so lonely. We have adult children (oldest has spoken out he takes my side - they all love us both) I HATE this life…. It hurts to hear this guest say his new marriage is more than he ever imagined. I wonder if his first wife is truly healed. I just feel no hope.
They start calling you " toxic " when you start fighting for the marriage demonstratively. I tried everything else, then I started getting angry . He said I didn't love him unconditionally and filed for divorce. I was so weary of his disconnection. I grieve all the time over the loss of us but I'm letting go gradually. He wants to try to be friends now but I block his number and cut off all ties to him with the exception of our 19 year old son.
My husband has called me toxic. Married 39 years. 2 adult sons. I’ve been the provider mainly. I don’t even know what he has. Joint account that only use. Says he had to have separate account for business. Hasn’t had own business for over 10 years. Unbeliever drinker coming/ going as he pleases.
@@Everyhandletaken213 I listen to her podcast! Thank you, she along with Leslie Vernick, Chris Moles (faith based; works with abusive men) and others, have been very helpful.
@@ZFern9390 I believe my sister is unable to 'grieve' the time lost of being married to her husband for 30 plus years.. and that's why she chooses to stay married to a 'disconnected man' that has been cheating on her almost from the beginning.. l believe he can't show affection or get emotionally close to a woman.. having affairs brings intimacy but gives him the 'unattached' strings he craves.
I have been having this concern in my marriage. For the last two weeks I have been looking for the right words and time to share with my husband. It is really bothering me,no matter how hard I try to erase it from my thoughts the more it eats me. I hope I will be able to communicate and he will understand my concern. Emotional connection means a lot especially to the wife.
Hello, it is important to share your concern with him as soon as you feel that emotion/disconnection. Some men cannot connect their insensitivity if they are approached much later. Nevertheless, it is never too late...but most importantly pray and trust Jesus to order your conversation
I tried to communicate subtly for over 20 years, he always laughed it off then turned it all on me at a time I suffered a misfortune n became vulnerable.....I am now hated for ever highlighting those struggles....
This is very good however when we have issues not feeling what another person feels that is a lack of empathy. Possibly trauma is needed to be explored to be able to understand others. I do believe God can change a persons heart and heal. Prayer, seeking therapy and healthy connections all help to understand empathy
A narcissistic spouse is much more than disconnected. They are continually emotionally, mentally, & even physically destructive in regular patterns which never end.
I told my wife 10years ago that I wanted an emotional connection in our marriage. She laughed at me, looked at me as a weak man. After 38 years, the divorce should be final next month- she filed.
My husband and I have been living separately in the same house for 20yrs now. Which is unreal. I think there is fear on both part. This is very sensitive and fragile area for me to share. So please no judgement. For me I have a relationship with God and I go to church, Bible study groups. I have lost 225lbs and maintaining for 15yrs now. I was addicted to sugar and flour. We can talk and get along. He is also emotionally disconnected.
Hi Carrie, thank you for sharing your story with us. Please know that we are praying for you and your husband. If you’d like to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). Just give your number to the Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone. They will pass along your phone number to one of our caring Christian counselors. One of them will return your call just as soon as they’re able. We hope to hear from you soon. -Ella L.
My husband of 47 years (an unbeliever) just doesn't want to connect with me. He makes it very clear. He is generous and good provider, can be very sweet but wants to be left alone.
His love language is acts of service. He’s not wrong for it. He likely has pain and hurt from childhood and has walls. Believe me, don’t break down the walls, look for ways to have fun together and the love will blossom. He has to feel safe, and it will overflow. He loves you because he’s showing it the best way he knows how. There’s a reason marriage is for life.
My recent ex-husband, I believe just wanted to be able to say he is married with a kid but showed no interest in us. Consequences are a failed marriage after 22 years 😢
Young (or old) people need to be very, very, careful who they marry! Marrying someone who doesnt connect the way you want isn't a legitimate reason to divorce. This is such a Western, modern, idea.
Yes, problem is you fall in love with emotions, want to be with them, but not being a Christian at the time and too naive to know better, then you marry them.
I feel this discussion should go a little deeper into what exactly emotional intimacy is. I listen to my wife all the time and sometimes offer advice, but it turns out women don't want there problems solved, at least not by their husbands, they just want to be heard, and when I say nothing then I don't love her because I didn't respond in way that she wanted. I feel like I should be a robot and say exactly what she wants to hear. I've asked her for a script on what exactly are the right words to leave my mouth in any given conversation. I can never say the right thing.
Just some perspective…After she speaks and you listen ask her what she needs from you in the moment. If she isn’t sure she should reflect on that. You can’t know if you have not practiced this with her.
My husband might say ....well why don't...... If only he could look at me, listen, say am sorry you are going through this. Give me a hug. Ask questions.
Not a single comment about how this also happens the other way around. Perhaps I’m the only man who is living with an extremely responsible wife who does everything out of duty, but love is scarce. 17 years married and I never thought that there was such a thing as gratefully married but not happily.
Thank you for sharing, friend. If you'd like to discuss this situation with a counselor, feel free to call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). You and your wife are in our prayers.- Jocelyn C.
@@focusonthefamily I did already, but focus on the family does not help much other than referring me to counseling which I would have to pay for. Not much help there, but thanks. I have access to the same counseling at my church at no cost. Thanks anyway.
@@NEFTALI1984maybe check with your insurance about seeing a licensed therapist, which has a higher accountability and more extensive training than lay counselors at churches. Depending on your plan, it could be $20 a visit.
I've been single for 25 years because my ex-husband was a perfect example of what Jim Turner is describing. I was dying of loneliness. We separated without emotion just as we had lived without emotion. He thought he was perfect; I thought he was sad and bland. I'm happy and content now ♥
Any other women out there feeling like a disconnected man right now? 😅 That's what I do: "do" love instead of feel it. My man is the more emotional of us two. He's the only person I feel safe expressing my emotions to; I guess that's good.
At the age of 16 my husband’s family had their world turned upside down. His mom was diagnosed with a rare illness and died two years later. He has lived with trauma brain his entire life. We married in 1981, when he was 24 & I had just turned 19. It’s been a lonely, difficult, loveless relationship. Because of God’s grace and a godly hope, I’m still able to function. It is possible to live with a broken heart.
We're so sorry you've gone through a difficult time @psthisisme and we appreciate you sharing part of your story. Please let us know if we can come alongside you in any way. We're here for you. May the Lord continue to surround you in His grace and hope. -Luna H.
@@focusonthefamilythank you for this loving message. It makes me teary-eyed because it’s so compassionate. Your words make me feel loved, hopeful, and seen.
You live because you have breath each morning. But you can't thrive nor be "alive". Find things to do and other healthy relationships of value to you. Otherwise you just wasted your whole life and your best years. Sadly this is the story for the majority of couples. There are other dynamics that need to be addressed in order to allow the relationship to be. But if not addressed or able to overcome then it's just an existence, not a life experience.
Ephesians 5:28,29. In this way husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.29 for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it, as the Christ also does the congregation. ❤
You have described my situation as well. To a T - wasn't like this to this degree at the beginning as long as he lived his life. But I have been feeling so unloved for 10 years now. We are discussing separation. Thank you for this video. I will have us both watch this. 😊
I love this and I feel God really sent this to me. I am in this type of relationship. I have been praying for God to help him .. thank you I actually am feeling hopeful because he is an amazing man but so disconnected with our relationship and is very hard for me
Thank you for sharing, @donnablackmore5499. Our prayers are with you and your marriage. Please don't hesitate to reach out if we can support you in any way. -Luna H.
listening to this very intense and valuable conversation thank you; just a pity that there’s almost an “age restriction” to correcting or advising what has been done to cause emotional scarring over too many Anniversaries in a marriage, may this be a red light for the younger generation in love!
Therapy. “You didn’t cause it. You can’t cure them. You can’t control them. But you can choose how you respond.” We can set boundaries. We can make requests. If they refuse, you have some choices to make about how you will guard your own heart and stay safe staying or leaving that relationship. Licensed therapist will help you figure that out, even if he won’t participate.
That's just it nothing.. it's something internally they have to fix on their own.. at the end of the day they are responsible for their change & or life.. he has to see it & want the change for himself... No amount of his wife telling him what to do or his wife adjusting to accommodating him will work. (Maybe just handing it to the Lord & doing the advice from the above comment too)
When these discussions happen on the MGTOW/Red Pill type channels, the reasons for men emotionally shutting down is because the time they did show emotions, the women in their lives either lost all respect for them, or it came back up in an argument later that was used against them. So they disconnect. Because why risk it. Then when you read the comments, they are filled with men's stories of this very same thing happening.
In reading all this, I wonder if there were signs of emotional disconnection before the marriage. There are red flags we don't see because we're so "in love" that we have blinders on. In some cases maybe the emotional disconnection developed over time.
I agree because I’ve been married now for 2 years to my husband and I didn’t see those things at first. I now see a different person he isn’t the person I met 2 years ago. We got married rather quickly because “we were so in love” now it’s like he comes home says hi then is just glued to the tv, phone, game leave to the gym it feels like he use to want to be with me and around now he’s just distant I know there isn’t any cheating but I don’t feel like I want to spend years living this way. I was in a 10 year horrible relationship 4 years before I met him and I don’t want to put up with things again I feel like we’re too old to act this way.
When they are getting a dopamine hit from discovering you in the honeymoon phase they will be able to connect in a form. Once your familiar and the dopamine flooding wears off then you see the real connection dynamic
Unfortunately my marriage ended after 25 yrs because of this reason. Emotionally unavailable men cause almost irrepairable damage to their partners/wifes. My ex was totally emotionally unavailable during our marriage. He just didn't know how to handle my emotions. He would rather connect with our children than with me. He had NO clue whatsover how to connect with me on an emotional level. Was severely painful.💔
Same but my ex husband didn't connect with our son either. He kept to himself and some of his friends. My ex husband is addicted to Facebook. He sits on it for hours on end. Reading people's lives and comments and commenting to them 😂. I'm laughing because I'm crying inside!
I want to chime in as a 40 or so year old lady who is considered a millennial. We don’t want a Matt. We’d rather have compartments then a cry baby. We have had to deal w whinny men who think they are in tune w their emotions but aren’t able to be real men our entire lives, including narc boomer dads who believed their anger was their emotion. There’s a very fine balance to this all. This convo is great for 45+ couples, but I think a younger male perspective on integrating the emotional w the masculine for our modern world would be priceless.
17:55 If the Holy Spirit is not doing it, it’s not his time. What is the wife to do? Pray. Wait. Be in pain. What are the children to do? Grow up with a distant dad who imprints his own dysfunction onto them? This can lead to a pretty steep faith crisis for a fervently praying wife.
Godly sorrow precedes real Joy. Godly sorrow leads to repentance which leads to salvation which leads to no regrets ( real Joy). If there's " joy" outside of this godly sorrow process, maybe it's actually a worldly sorrow that leads to " happiness" or an end. The best example of what I'm writing is in 2 Corinthians 7. Godly sorrow is beautiful and much needed before Joy can come Jim Turner experienced a godly sorrow!
@michaelparker2326 If it's a deliberate turning away, it could be considered abuse. Definitely a betrayal of marriage vows. Not adultery, but still betrayal.
My genuine THANKs to both Jim …sharing their own unique inner Journey in marriage and family intimate disconnect the TRUE VULNERABLE SELF Gods words The TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE ✝️ both men / women and their BELOVED children GLORY to GODs infinite MERCIES REDEEMING LOVE of GRACE and DIVINE shared common PEACE 🕊 thru the HOLY TRINITY AMEN AMEN AMEN
Where are testimonies of believers who got reconciled with their first marriage partners, or otherwise are remaining single, after their divorce or seperation - as we're directed by Sctipture?
Sometimes men wall themselves of because men are told if they have feelings, thoughts, expectations it needs we are being selfish. Honest question. We hear all the time in church what men are supposed to be. When is the last time you heard a sermon or message on what a wife is supposed to be? I think there is same amount of divorce in the church as in the world should be an indicator. Yes men need to emotional connect but men need to know if they become vulnerable they will not be shunned for expressing feeling and thoughts.
Such a beautiful episode...time can change men, (and, women)...struggles in building a family, work,...I've learned to give him space, he takes alot of it!..." he doesn't care about me" like he used to in the beginning, I feel....childhood; his father was disconnected to him emotionally while growing into manhood, did not go to HS sports...
I was just wondering if you had the opportunity to apologize to your ex wife. Not ask for her forgiveness but to apologize. I’m not asking this out of judgment this is just our responsibility to do when we’ve hurt people.
@@cynthiafisher9907 idk but if he's really changed why would he not want to try and do the connection with her? I would do anything for my husband to try to connect with me.
Guys who are emotionally unavailable move on quickly to someone else to do acts of service. my ex moved on to someone else within weeks of me leaving a 30 year marriage from him. The optics of me having left was too emotional for him to handle so instead of working to get me back he just moved on because it’s easier than to deal with the emotional void and instead of dealing with his sense of failure, So this will be a pattern for him unless he figures it out
We're sorry you are going through this, friend. Please know that you are in our prayers. If you’d like to discuss your situation with one of our counselors, please call us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459). God be with you! - Julia J
Well if you are doing things for love and you don’t feel love, that is a sign that there is love in the relationship the problem is that you need to direct that love you are feeling in the right direction, listening to your wife, educate yourself on how can connect with your kids and wife if you love your family and there are signs of love there are ways to rescue your marriage! Now, if your wife doesn’t love you anymore then there’s nothing you can do anymore and this applies for man as well. When you loose your partner’s heart there is nothing you can do…
This is my husband. It’s a very lonely life. He believes household chores and financial support equals love and I should be there for his sexual desires and I shouldn’t step out of line by having an opinion or expressing dismay about anything. He rages and slings abuse if I say anything he doesn’t like. He has a close emotional bond with his ex wife and I’m not allowed to comment on that.
We're sorry you're facing a difficult time in your marriage, @roseenglish1127. Please know that we're here to come alongside you in any way we can. If you'd like to talk things over with someone, please give us a call at 1-800-232-6459. Our hearts and prayers are with you. -Luna H.
One more time you have filed my heart with gratitude to Focus on this important issue very common in our world. Thank you. I can’t wait to give a book and read mine. Many more Blessings helping Families⭐️❤️🙏🕊.
Hi, Margarita. Thanks for sharing your enthusiasm for our program, and we’re glad that it was so meaningful to you. We are pleased by the opportunity the Lord has given us to be of encouragement to many families in our listening audience. Your kind comments about Focus mean a lot to us. God’s best to you. -Sharon P.
Wd have been having problems for years. Finaly trying and getting help. Often if i explain my heart he sits quiet and stares at me. If he responds, he dont get it or says im wrong. He wont say anything nice, in that moment telling me he loves me and hugging me would be great but he just stares at me
We're sorry you're facing a difficult time in your marriage, @jackijohnson3778. Please know that we're here to come alongside you both in any way that we can. If you think it might be helpful to talk things over with someone (at no cost to you), please give us a call at 1-800-232-6459. In the meantime, we will be praying for you, asking the Lord to intervene in your marriage, providing you both with His perfect peace. -Luna H.
The question is did the husband start out this way early on in the marriage or was it a gradual change over the years? Some men are just highly introverted or antisocial by personality which you can't really change and should think twice before considering marriage if one of the spouses fit in this category. Other reasons could be stress from work and life, depression, or health problems which can be addressed and corrected.
Maybe. Or watch how they treat everyone else they “value”, and compare it to spouse. If inquisitiveness, caring, sensitive to needs and feelings is present for all others but not spouse (except in short, intense dating phase), then that man has an intimacy problem he needs to learn what it stems from and address it maturely.
Didn't he just find a different woman that he felt for... sounds like he just didn't and still doesn't feel anything for the 1st wife. And he kinda makes that obvious. Ouch. I hope other men aren't encouraged to change wives, for progress in becoming connected men.
I’m “married” to an emotionally abusive man who has never shown me or my children any love or affection since we got married and we moved for him. He lied to me saying he was a Godly man and would be a good Dad to my kids, no he basically ruined our lives
We're sorry to hear about your marital struggles, Bonnie. We’ll be praying, asking our Heavenly Father to fill you and your husband with His love and compassion. May He be the center of your marriage and family, and may He provide strength and guidance as you look to Him. If you feel it might be helpful, we invite you to talk about your situation with one of our counselors (at no cost to you). Please call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT) -- we’d be happy to come alongside you in any way we can. In the meantime, the following material might be helpful: tinyurl.com/2jrykjb4; tinyurl.com/zw4x8jau and tinyurl.com/yj3rwyzn. -Emily F.
So, did you observe his behavior around your kids before you married him. I ask this bc I believe in dating someone for a couple years before marrying and in that time frame observe his behavior around your kids. An old pyschiatrist named Laura Schleishner(spelling may be wrong) used to say if you divorce and have children you should wait until children are grown before marrying anyone else.
Thanks for sharing, Michael. Please know that we're passing your suggestion along to the appropriate staff here at Focus on the Family. Your input is always appreciated. If you ever need a listening ear, please don’t hesitate to call us at 1‐800‐232‐6459. God’s blessings to you! -Mia J.
Childhood traumas build walls. This type typically does this out of self preservation. Women leaving is another deep hurt. Job loss, death and divorce are emotionally catastrophic. They love how they can, and time can love can change things. It’s a life long journey.❤
Completely opposite for me., my wife is disconnected from me. Hyperfocused on other things outside the home. Tells me she doesnt feel connected to me , but does nothing to connect with me. I make every possible attempt to connect with her...i give up. Its exhausting and emotional abuse.
I believe that is a huge factor.. not feeling the love and support from one's parents as a child emotionally stunts a child and makes it difficult to ever be vulnerable with someone as an adult.
@@Jkaye13 I believe that was the case with my husband.... Sadly, I only found that out just before his passing.... I wish I had know that during our 48 years of marriage.... It makes a lot of sense to me now. 😒
I have absolutely NO emotional, spiritual, or sexual connection with my husband. I've been married for six years. I died five years ago. We just live like roommates. I could have the same level of intimacy with a stranger walking on the opposite side of the street. I've had repeated conversations with him, trying to express how I feel about the lack of spiritual, emotional, and consequently, lack of sexual intimacy. I've been told by him that I was being a wimp for expressing how I feel. I feel like all I am to him is a check writer; a bank, to keep a roof over his head; make a nice home for him. That is all I am! I'm ready to get out! I'm emotionally dead! The switch is turned off. Our anniversary was 10 September. Neither of us mentioned it. I would not flinch if he left.
We are so sorry to hear about how you feel. If you’d like to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). In the meantime, we will be praying for you. We hope to hear from you. Ella L
What if your disconnected husband will not read your book? I haven't finished reading it & I'm discouraged. He's seen me very emotional and is not moved. He continues on with good works. I used to blame this on his career in law enforcement. But it's deeper than that.
We're sorry you're facing a difficult time in your marriage, @margaretchaney5627. Please know that we're here to come alongside you and provide any advice and resources that we can. If you'd like to talk things over with someone, please give us a call at 1-800-232-6459. In the meantime, please know that our prayers are with you and your marriage. -Luna H.
What happens when a man is told if he shares his feelings, thoughts, expectations, and needs and is told he is selfish not just by his wife, but the church. When have you heard a sermon on what a wifes should do in marraige. We hear all about what men should do. Why are we suprised men wall themselves off. When the divorce rate in the church is almost the same as the world you would think it might cause our pastoral class to ask some questions.
@Jennifer Great question! We have many resources on our website for men or women. I will attach a few. However, if you would like to let us know some other details, I am sure we could get you a better resource. Thank you! God bless you! bit.ly/4dlRa8i bit.ly/3zxFe5O - Treasure H.
My ex husband EXACTLY THE SAME, no connection on empathy absolutely NOTHING all he ever cared about was himself and whatever woman that's in his life, no connection with his children or Grandkids, emotionally stunted, behaves like a 2 year old, had to leave him to his own devices, my ex husband is an Narcissist.
I feel like I can be emotionally distant. My husband has struggled with his mental health for years and I think I have just shut down. I don’t feel like my emotional needs stand a chance of being met so I have just turned them off. I know it’s bad, I just don’t feel safe to bring them out.
Jesus says in Matthew that when you issue a certificate of divorce from your spouse neither of you are to marry another. You must remain single or get back together. So how does this fit into this narrative?
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
I was married for 20 years to a man who was emotionally disconnected. Its the worst kind of loneliness....
How do you stay emotionally strong if your spouse isn't? I am grieving the loss of my mom on top of this.
He works hard at his job. He focuses on that. He tells me he loves me, but is disconnected. 😢
We're sorry you're going through a difficult time, @michellefarnell1878. Unfortunately, we’re not able to provide counseling by email, text messaging, or through social media channels. We’ve found that writing or texting isn’t an effective way of offering advice when complex or serious life issues are involved. As an alternative, we encourage you to speak about your situation with one of our counselors (at no cost to you). Just contact us at 1-855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays from 6:00 A.M. to 8:00 P.M. (MT). The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a counselor to call you back. One of them will be in touch just as soon as they’re able. You may also request a callback by visiting our Counseling Consultation & Referrals page - bit.ly/3olAU3N. We hope this is helpful.
-Luna H.
Yes it is
It is 1,000% a terrible form of loneliness!!!
I believe this is more common than we know. It's a very lonely emotional desert to spend decades trying to remedy, but it takes two people to improve the relationship.
It is such a lonely and empty walk, very challenging.
You have described my husband. He jokes and is very social yet he is disconnected wirh me. Only emotion is anger which gets worse as he ages. He didn't show any emotion at his Father and Brothers funerals. In 23 years l have only witnessed tears once.
He never says how he feels.
Needless to say l am now disconnected from him too.
We just share a house.
I'm not quite 6 years in. Ready to pack up and go!
I have one of those guys, too😢
That perfectly describes my husband. We were married 35 years and I finally left. He only seemed to be happy around his siblings, not me or our children. Anger was his only emotion.
Recently I discovered Asperger Syndrome Disorder…look into it
@@terrimcnutt7968 It's more difficult with children, tho...to leave, I mean. That complicates things quite a bit.
Been going through this for 12 years. We’ve even been to Hope Restored, FOTF’s marriage intensive… I am always seeking guidance and encouragement because it can be really hard to stay. I think ultimately I have to decide if God is enough. Of course I want to connect with my husband and feel seen and known by him. I want a beautiful marriage here on earth. Keeping my eyes on the Lord gives me room to tolerate the imperfections in my marriage, even in the hurt. The hurt doesn’t go away but I’m not walking it alone. I take comfort in that. I still hope and pray for change. Only the Lord can do that.
Hi Emily! Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. We know it's not always an easy thing to do. Please know that we are praying for you and would like to encourage you to continue to place your trust in the Lord. (Prov 3:5) as you continue to stand for your marriage. If you’d like to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). Blessings, Ella L
I've been divorced two decades and God pulled me through and gave me the grace and mercy to give me the strength and peace to be at peace with myself. My marriage was extremely sinful and I was not going to live like that. When I chose God, he told me to go ahead and file divorce. He was never available or connected emotionally and intimate, other than sex, and refused to change. When I asked him about his relationship with God, he tells me it's none of my business 😮😢😮 I am very peaceful and happy with myself and the hard work I've done on myself and living good clean life😊😊
I wish I could share this video with my husband so he might understand how I feel. We are both in our 70's and been married for 42 years. I have no hope for change because he feels he doesn't need counseling.
I know same feelings. We are in 70s. Over 30 yrs. No communication Lonely sometimes in my own home. But he said no on counseling
37 years for us & SAME!
Same here.
Same 27 years this month.
This video really hit me hard, just a few weeks ago, my partner, whom I’ve been with for five years, decided to leave me for someone else. I love him so much, and I can’t imagine my life with anyone else. I’ve tried everything to forget about him, but it feels impossible. I’ve even tried to get him back, but nothing seems to work. I feel so lost and frustrated, and I can’t get him out of my mind. I don’t even know why I’m sharing this here, but I really miss him and can’t stop thinking about him.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Letting go of someone you love deeply is incredibly hard. I was in a similar situation-my 12-year relationship ended, and it was devastating. Like you, I couldn’t just let go, and I did everything I could to get him back. Eventually, I sought help from a spiritual counselor, and he helped me get my partner back.
That’s amazing. How did you find a spiritual counselor? How can I reach him?
His name is FatherAkabu . He’s a great spiritual counselor and he helped me bring back my partner.
Thank you so much. You’ve just given me hope. I’ll look him up right away.
Oh, Wow! He doesn’’t share his emotions because he DOESN’T GET THERE HIMSELF! That’s it!! That’s the explanation I’ve been searching for.
Thankyou for addressing this subject. As a divorced woman who lived 2 decades with a disconnected man it is so encouraging to see men willing to better themselves to be the best husband they can be. This gives me hope❤
Yeah absolutely. Finally
Yes, but why are they able to change and do it right with the next woman (wife or girlfriend) in their life, but couldn’t or were unwilling to do it with you??
@@karenak8084depends on the person I'm guessing or a different time in their life.
@@karenak8084big question! Not addressed enough in this show/ but was about the book so I understand a bit why they didn’t
Don't underestimate the hurt on both sides of a broken relationship. (I am talking about when there are no third parties involved).
The person who leaves (or initiates the break) has usually been feeling rejected for a long time - their pain has been a drawn out process & now they have made the decision to end it, it may appear that they are not that devastated by it.
The person who has just been told this is happening often deals with their rejection in one big hit & they are devastated.
Both husband & wife have been really emotionally hurt, but the process was different.
As I said at start - Don't underestimate the hurt on either side. Be kind to one another. 💒
If both were kind, they wouldn't be in the mess they're in. Hearts are harden.
@mrs.rubytang9183 i disagree. My husband keft me with 4 kids 9 years ago. Dropped the bomb on me. A few years later we tried again but then 3 years ago i kicked him out. We worked it out and now we understand what had happened to hurt us both and recommited to one another. Both times, we both were hurting deeply. My husband was kind but left me. The last time i was kind but kicked him out kindness isn't what saves a marriage and lack of it isnt what breaks one.
@@mrs.rubytang9183based on the hard hearts they did not biblically have reason to divorce. Unless there was adultery biblically they both had no right to remarry..They are now in non covenant marriages and very deceived. So sad He could not simply stand for his first marriage but instead he is choosing to make money off of their pain. How is that repenting and humbling oneself ?
Been there done that, didn't work.
20 years....I have to be done.😢 I moved out 8 months ago and I'm so much happier in many ways.
Both my husband and I are emotionally disconnected. I was so focused on taking care of the kids and working on my mental health that i neglected him. I didnt realize how bad it was until i was blindsided by divorce. This is the hardest pill to swallow. Im trying to learn from this.
same atp. I'm surface and show love but according to spouse we aren't. I realize it and don't know how to change it. I'm trying to focus on my mental and physical health. he is lashing out verbally.
42 years with an Asperger's husband I have said 100s of times u r the only person who can live and function without a heart...no compassion no sympathy no respect narcissist but by God's grace I have survived still together only because I make $70O month SS where can I go..but to the Lord..he cares only about himself I have Rheumatoid arthritis never ask how r u feeling Never
Hugs
I am so sorry. The loneliness must be awful.
😢 I am so sorry for your loneliness! I pray the Lord heals you completely! ❤️
The most important thing is that if you have Jesus, that is enough! He is all you need! And by His mercy and grace there’s someone who helps you providing for your needs with the name of “husband” even though you don’t feel him as one. Overcome your suffering worshipping and giving thanks to the Lord for that man, stop judging and telling him harsh words. Close the doors to self pity , to judging and complaint. just bless him everyday and bless your heavenly Father!
Question for you: how are you? How do you deal with that? I lived with man for 6.5 years and couldn't take it any more and I left him; the love of my life. Then I turn around and marry a man i shouldn't have, same type of guy, disconnected emotionally. I'm done with that nonsensense. Had a boyfriend the same so I left him as well i'm totally done.
Sorry didn't mean to vent.
Married to a man 37 years just like this. And I loved him in spite of it, but I paid a huge price for staying. He died of cancer 9 years ago.
What was the price of staying?
@@Ruby-zx8fk grief settles in the lungs. For 16 years I suffered and grieved a marriage devoid of emotional intimacy. Now I have chronic lung disease, which I’m pretty certain has taken years off my life.
@@djpowell4928 Great may be your reward in heaven, if you believe in Jesus Christ.
@@djpowell4928 Im so sorry you are going through this😢 as someone in a marriage for 33 years with this type of man, what advice would you give me to help my health?
Dit is baie interessant om mans te hoor praat oor die huwelik, hoe hulle voel daaroor en hoe hul kan raad gee. Ek reken ook om emosioneel aan mekaar verbind te wees te alle tye is baie belangrik. Dit verklaar n mens se behoeftes deurentyd aanmekaar. Dit dink ek is die gom wat twee aanmekaar bind. Hieruit kan liefde groei en veroorsaak nie gapings om van mekaar af weg te groei nie.
I used to be married to a man who, right from the beginning, right after the honeymoon, informed me that when the time comes that I have any 'emotional' needs, I am to take them to a friend, because he would not help me there. Sigh...so, needless to say, we didn't last long.
Wow. I would've filed for divorce that day. Sorry to hear
Jim’s “old self” was my former husband… that’s why we divorced… now I’m happily remarried to a wonderful man who can get in touch and be vulnerable. So thankful Jim has done the hard work of being connected and vulnerable and sharing his story with others!
Our pastor told my husband and me during counseling that men are usually better 2nd husbands than 1st husbands. True words. I'm still married to the 1st husband. :)
Your pastor is sweet to say that but from what I've seen since I was in HS in my relatives, most men don't remarry. They just get sad or bitter and live the rest of their life through their kids.
There's a saying in first wives club, they train the husbands for the second wife. Unfortunately this day and age with divorce so high it's true
Errm, not true - men or women are no better being 2nd - unless they truly understood reason they divorced in the first instance - 2nd marriages are prone to divorce. People need to work through their crazies first before dumping on someone else
These comments are eye-opening. I'll just share something my Dad told me a couple months ago: Try not to focus on what your spouse isn't doing for you. Instead, focus on what you can do for your spouse. In a big way, how your spouse acts toward you is out of your control. But you can control how you act toward them. So focus on what you can control. This is very hard but helps some, I think. Will we love our spouses even though we are hurting? Hang in there guys!
But to what end and for how long?
@michi9899 I'm sorry for your pain. I'm reminded of Christ who taught us to forgive, and then to forgive, and then to forgive again. Hang in there!
Agree. @@michi9899
@@michi9899 I think it gives you peace knowing you're behaving very Christ-like toward your mate. Instead of hurting and being hurt. You know? It's more a positive way to live.
People can change. Such proof! The Lord helps us in all things if we ask if we abide.
Maybe… Extreme situations require very experienced counselors & evaluators to help the couple bring about change.
I always said the Acts of Service love language is a cover for emotionally disconnected people. Glad this is coming to light
Yes it can be, that makes sense, not always the case though.... maybe 🙃
100%
Not always.
Interesting statement
I’m an acts of service person and I’m also the more emotionally available in my marriage. Maybe that’s not common?
Love is not a feeling, it's an act of the will.
its both, be careful that sounds just like what this guy is saying in doing but not feeling love
@@gabn1559 biblically love is an act of the will. If it’s a feeling it’ll always be based on the day.
@davidchupp4460 the Bible clearly states that you can even give your body to be burned but if you don't have love it's worth nothing, you must have the attributes of love such as kindness, patience etc. plus be led by the Holy Spirit and have the fruits of The Spirit, not as easy as it sounds
Love is most definitely be a feeling.. however feelings change from day to day, and love also needs to be a COMMITMENT.. so that when the feeling 'fades' a couple remains committed to staying together. Too many marriages end in divorce because they no longer 'feel' in love/ the love has died, instead of trying to work through the issues and put the time needed into the relationship.
Love and marriage is hard work. Staying close to God’s word will let you know when your work is done.
This guy keeps saying she asked for divorce came out of the blue. I dont buy that. He didn't listen to her pleas all along.
My hubby No. 1 also told people that, but he knew...deep down he knew there was trouble brewing.
...and he indicated the Holy Spirit didn't get hold of his heart in time.
I would say he just didn't see it until she asked for a divorce.
Agreed
Yesssss! Yesss!
I broke a friendship because of this, it was all about her all the time, i walked extra miles to show her my care and my love for her as friend, my birthday was never important to her, i got tired of it
Finally someone has words for this big problem. Wish there was a part 2!
@@pamkino I agree! We need more of this to be discussed.
I imagine you'll need to get his book for that..
Please pray for us. I too am married to a VERY disconnected Man. I pray the Holy Spirit will show him how he is, and how i'm hurting😢😢.. i can't take it anymore... i feel like.. he's not just not connected.. he treats me like his servant and even enemy at times🙈🙈.. there's so much more than just "not connected"😭😭
We're sorry you're going through a difficult time in your marriage, @jenniferg.8242. Please know that we will be praying for you, asking the Lord to restore your connection and intervene in your marriage. If you'd ever like to talk things over with someone (at no cost to you), please give us a call at 1-800-232-6459. We're here to come alongside you in any way that we can.
-Luna H.
Me too. Yet he acts very different around others. 😢
Marriage is too often slavery for women.
@@cazhoc5803 that's typical. When I tell people how very DIFFERENT he is at home, they look at me like I'm the crazy one!
Same here. I try to love unconditionally, but some days are very difficult. Thirty four years ..I am praying for the Holy Spirit to reach him through dreams, visions, or any means to get him to acknowledge his feelings past, and present.
My husband (35 yrs.) is a professionally diagnosed narcissist, an addiction recovery pastor, separated from me for one year (I began standing up for myself which he labeled toxic) came home two years ago but remains separated in-house. He will not file but keeps a divorce worksheet at home. I do not want to file but am so lonely. We have adult children (oldest has spoken out he takes my side - they all love us both) I HATE this life…. It hurts to hear this guest say his new marriage is more than he ever imagined. I wonder if his first wife is truly healed. I just feel no hope.
They start calling you " toxic " when you start fighting for the marriage demonstratively. I tried everything else, then I started getting angry . He said I didn't love him unconditionally and filed for divorce. I was so weary of his disconnection. I grieve all the time over the loss of us but I'm letting go gradually. He wants to try to be friends now but I block his number and cut off all ties to him with the exception of our 19 year old son.
My husband has called me toxic. Married 39 years. 2 adult sons. I’ve been the provider mainly. I don’t even know what he has. Joint account that only use. Says he had to have separate account for business. Hasn’t had own business for over 10 years. Unbeliever drinker coming/ going as he pleases.
There is a Christian therapist online, Kris Reese, her total ministry is about narcissistic relationships, she has lots of resources.
@@Everyhandletaken213 I listen to her podcast! Thank you, she along with Leslie Vernick, Chris Moles (faith based; works with abusive men) and others, have been very helpful.
@@ZFern9390
I believe my sister is unable to 'grieve' the time lost of being married to her husband for 30 plus years.. and that's why she chooses to stay married to a 'disconnected man' that has been cheating on her almost from the beginning.. l believe he can't show affection or get emotionally close to a woman.. having affairs brings intimacy but gives him the 'unattached' strings he craves.
I have been having this concern in my marriage. For the last two weeks I have been looking for the right words and time to share with my husband. It is really bothering me,no matter how hard I try to erase it from my thoughts the more it eats me. I hope I will be able to communicate and he will understand my concern. Emotional connection means a lot especially to the wife.
Pray about it.
@@Scrabble8393 sure I'll, thanks
All the best Sis, do keep us updated. I might just learn from you as well. Stay blessed
Hello, it is important to share your concern with him as soon as you feel that emotion/disconnection. Some men cannot connect their insensitivity if they are approached much later. Nevertheless, it is never too late...but most importantly pray and trust Jesus to order your conversation
I tried to communicate subtly for over 20 years, he always laughed it off then turned it all on me at a time I suffered a misfortune n became vulnerable.....I am now hated for ever highlighting those struggles....
I wish he could have restored his marriage. That would have been powerfully!
Absolutely
This is very good however when we have issues not feeling what another person feels that is a lack of empathy. Possibly trauma is needed to be explored to be able to understand others. I do believe God can change a persons heart and heal. Prayer, seeking therapy and healthy connections all help to understand empathy
My husband is a narcissist, so he only thinks about himself. I pray for him daily.
@RobinMintayne : tell me about it 😢
A narcissistic spouse is much more than disconnected. They are continually emotionally, mentally, & even physically destructive in regular patterns which never end.
I told my wife 10years ago that I wanted an emotional connection in our marriage. She laughed at me, looked at me as a weak man.
After 38 years, the divorce should be final next month- she filed.
My husband and I have been living separately in the same house for 20yrs now. Which is unreal. I think there is fear on both part. This is very sensitive and fragile area for me to share. So please no judgement. For me I have a relationship with God and I go to church, Bible study groups. I have lost 225lbs and maintaining for 15yrs now. I was addicted to sugar and flour. We can talk and get along. He is also emotionally disconnected.
Hi Carrie, thank you for sharing your story with us. Please know that we are praying for you and your husband. If you’d like to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). Just give your number to the Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone. They will pass along your phone number to one of our caring Christian counselors. One of them will return your call just as soon as they’re able. We hope to hear from you soon. -Ella L.
No judgement here; it's between you 2.
My husband of 47 years (an unbeliever) just doesn't want to connect with me. He makes it very clear. He is generous and good provider, can be very sweet but wants to be left alone.
And do you feel fulfilled as his wife?
His love language is acts of service. He’s not wrong for it. He likely has pain and hurt from childhood and has walls. Believe me, don’t break down the walls, look for ways to have fun together and the love will blossom. He has to feel safe, and it will overflow. He loves you because he’s showing it the best way he knows how. There’s a reason marriage is for life.
@@Scrabble8393 Great point.
Sounds like my husband.
My recent ex-husband, I believe just wanted to be able to say he is married with a kid but showed no interest in us. Consequences are a failed marriage after 22 years 😢
Young (or old) people need to be very, very, careful who they marry! Marrying someone who doesnt connect the way you want isn't a legitimate reason to divorce. This is such a Western, modern, idea.
Yes, problem is you fall in love with emotions, want to be with them, but not being a Christian at the time and too naive to know better, then you marry them.
I feel this discussion should go a little deeper into what exactly emotional intimacy is. I listen to my wife all the time and sometimes offer advice, but it turns out women don't want there problems solved, at least not by their husbands, they just want to be heard, and when I say nothing then I don't love her because I didn't respond in way that she wanted. I feel like I should be a robot and say exactly what she wants to hear. I've asked her for a script on what exactly are the right words to leave my mouth in any given conversation. I can never say the right thing.
Just some perspective…After she speaks and you listen ask her what she needs from you in the moment. If she isn’t sure she should reflect on that. You can’t know if you have not practiced this with her.
My husband might say ....well why don't......
If only he could look at me, listen, say am sorry you are going through this. Give me a hug. Ask questions.
Not a single comment about how this also happens the other way around.
Perhaps I’m the only man who is living with an extremely responsible wife who does everything out of duty, but love is scarce. 17 years married and I never thought that there was such a thing as gratefully married but not happily.
Can you talk to,her about your need for Love?? Sad
Thank you for sharing, friend. If you'd like to discuss this situation with a counselor, feel free to call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). You and your wife are in our prayers.- Jocelyn C.
@@focusonthefamily I did already, but focus on the family does not help much other than referring me to counseling which I would have to pay for. Not much help there, but thanks.
I have access to the same counseling at my church at no cost. Thanks anyway.
@@NEFTALI1984maybe check with your insurance about seeing a licensed therapist, which has a higher accountability and more extensive training than lay counselors at churches. Depending on your plan, it could be $20 a visit.
I thot His Needs Her Needs was helpful- which is a book & also YTube videos.
I've been single for 25 years because my ex-husband was a perfect example of what Jim Turner is describing. I was dying of loneliness. We separated without emotion just as we had lived without emotion. He thought he was perfect; I thought he was sad and bland. I'm happy and content now ♥
Any other women out there feeling like a disconnected man right now? 😅 That's what I do: "do" love instead of feel it. My man is the more emotional of us two. He's the only person I feel safe expressing my emotions to; I guess that's good.
Your blessed!
Yeah, I relate to everything he's saying. I just lost my husband and felt blind sided. I don't take full responsibility, he was detached as well.
This has been so eye opening, a complete game changer
At the age of 16 my husband’s family had their world turned upside down. His mom was diagnosed with a rare illness and died two years later. He has lived with trauma brain his entire life. We married in 1981, when he was 24 & I had just turned 19. It’s been a lonely, difficult, loveless relationship. Because of God’s grace and a godly hope, I’m still able to function. It is possible to live with a broken heart.
We're so sorry you've gone through a difficult time @psthisisme and we appreciate you sharing part of your story. Please let us know if we can come alongside you in any way. We're here for you. May the Lord continue to surround you in His grace and hope.
-Luna H.
I so relate to you.
@@focusonthefamilythank you for this loving message. It makes me teary-eyed because it’s so compassionate. Your words make me feel loved, hopeful, and seen.
You live because you have breath each morning. But you can't thrive nor be "alive". Find things to do and other healthy relationships of value to you. Otherwise you just wasted your whole life and your best years. Sadly this is the story for the majority of couples. There are other dynamics that need to be addressed in order to allow the relationship to be. But if not addressed or able to overcome then it's just an existence, not a life experience.
Yes.......yiu can......along w/it comes health issues that can be very debilitating!!
Ephesians 5:28,29. In this way husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.29 for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it, as the Christ also does the congregation. ❤
The man must also be willing to hear. If he absolutely refuses to listen to the Holy Spirit than there is nothing the neglected wife can do.
I’m a woman who is disconnected ,with everyone
This touched my heart so much i cried.
You have described my situation as well. To a T - wasn't like this to this degree at the beginning as long as he lived his life. But I have been feeling so unloved for 10 years now. We are discussing separation. Thank you for this video. I will have us both watch this. 😊
Well; there must be some hope if you can discuss a separation.
Men and women are different--thanks for this explanation.
I love this and I feel God really sent this to me. I am in this type of relationship. I have been praying for God to help him .. thank you I actually am feeling hopeful because he is an amazing man but so disconnected with our relationship and is very hard for me
Thank you for sharing, @donnablackmore5499. Our prayers are with you and your marriage. Please don't hesitate to reach out if we can support you in any way.
-Luna H.
Bravo gentleman you came up with the answers and what about his ex-wife and her broken heart are we going to discuss that?
He destroyed her. Has he repented and apologized to her?
listening to this very intense and valuable conversation thank you; just a pity that there’s almost an “age restriction” to correcting or advising what has been done to cause emotional scarring over too many Anniversaries in a marriage, may this be a red light for the younger generation in love!
I loved this message! My only wish is that they would have asked some advice for the wife on what she can do to aid her spouse
Therapy. “You didn’t cause it. You can’t cure them. You can’t control them. But you can choose how you respond.” We can set boundaries. We can make requests. If they refuse, you have some choices to make about how you will guard your own heart and stay safe staying or leaving that relationship. Licensed therapist will help you figure that out, even if he won’t participate.
Look up Leslie Vernick. She helps people in Destructive marriages.
That's just it nothing.. it's something internally they have to fix on their own.. at the end of the day they are responsible for their change & or life.. he has to see it & want the change for himself... No amount of his wife telling him what to do or his wife adjusting to accommodating him will work. (Maybe just handing it to the Lord & doing the advice from the above comment too)
@@amyfonseca1766
I would suggest the same .... turn the issue over to the Lord and He will supply a solution and give you peace of mind.
Better than seeking a counselor.
When these discussions happen on the MGTOW/Red Pill type channels, the reasons for men emotionally shutting down is because the time they did show emotions, the women in their lives either lost all respect for them, or it came back up in an argument later that was used against them. So they disconnect. Because why risk it. Then when you read the comments, they are filled with men's stories of this very same thing happening.
And you just nailed it with your comment. Exactly.
In reading all this, I wonder if there were signs of emotional disconnection before the marriage. There are red flags we don't see because we're so "in love" that we have blinders on. In some cases maybe the emotional disconnection developed over time.
I agree because I’ve been married now for 2 years to my husband and I didn’t see those things at first. I now see a different person he isn’t the person I met 2 years ago. We got married rather quickly because “we were so in love” now it’s like he comes home says hi then is just glued to the tv, phone, game leave to the gym it feels like he use to want to be with me and around now he’s just distant I know there isn’t any cheating but I don’t feel like I want to spend years living this way. I was in a 10 year horrible relationship 4 years before I met him and I don’t want to put up with things again I feel like we’re too old to act this way.
When they are getting a dopamine hit from discovering you in the honeymoon phase they will be able to connect in a form. Once your familiar and the dopamine flooding wears off then you see the real connection dynamic
💯 % the main points
@GeeTee2023and it’s way too earlier to behave like that, you need to address it quickly
Unfortunately my marriage ended after 25 yrs because of this reason. Emotionally unavailable men cause almost irrepairable damage to their partners/wifes.
My ex was totally emotionally unavailable during our marriage. He just didn't know how to handle my emotions. He would rather connect with our children than with me.
He had NO clue whatsover how to connect with me on an emotional level. Was severely painful.💔
Yes I’m going through that now after 22yrs. It is hurtful and feels like he couldn’t care less.
So did your husband end the marriage or did you? And if you did, were there biblical grounds (assuming of course that you’re a Christian)?
@@mchristrthese situations are abandonment.
So did the husband leave and refuse to come back and work on the marriage?
Same but my ex husband didn't connect with our son either. He kept to himself and some of his friends. My ex husband is addicted to Facebook. He sits on it for hours on end. Reading people's lives and comments and commenting to them 😂. I'm laughing because I'm crying inside!
I want to chime in as a 40 or so year old lady who is considered a millennial.
We don’t want a Matt.
We’d rather have compartments then a cry baby.
We have had to deal w whinny men who think they are in tune w their emotions but aren’t able to be real men our entire lives, including narc boomer dads who believed their anger was their emotion.
There’s a very fine balance to this all.
This convo is great for 45+ couples, but I think a younger male perspective on integrating the emotional w the masculine for our modern world would be priceless.
17:55
If the Holy Spirit is not doing it, it’s not his time.
What is the wife to do? Pray. Wait. Be in pain.
What are the children to do? Grow up with a distant dad who imprints his own dysfunction onto them? This can lead to a pretty steep faith crisis for a fervently praying wife.
Godly sorrow precedes real Joy. Godly sorrow leads to repentance which leads to salvation which leads to no regrets ( real Joy). If there's " joy" outside of this godly sorrow process, maybe it's actually a worldly sorrow that leads to " happiness" or an end. The best example of what I'm writing is in 2 Corinthians 7.
Godly sorrow is beautiful and much needed before Joy can come
Jim Turner experienced a godly sorrow!
I think emotional disconnection can also be emotional abuse…
It’s really not
@michaelparker2326 If it's a deliberate turning away, it could be considered abuse. Definitely a betrayal of marriage vows. Not adultery, but still betrayal.
Yes, definitely emotional abuse
Relational neglect is just as bad as abuse.
My genuine THANKs
to both Jim …sharing
their own unique inner
Journey in marriage and
family intimate disconnect
the TRUE VULNERABLE SELF
Gods words The TRUTH
WILL SET YOU FREE ✝️
both men / women and
their BELOVED children
GLORY to GODs
infinite MERCIES
REDEEMING LOVE
of GRACE and DIVINE
shared common PEACE 🕊
thru the HOLY TRINITY
AMEN AMEN AMEN
Where are testimonies of believers who got reconciled with their first marriage partners, or otherwise are remaining single, after their divorce or seperation - as we're directed by Sctipture?
100%
2 Timothy 4:3
Exactly
This guy truly disconnected from his real wife now is in adulterated relationship
You all sound very judgemental.
Sometimes men wall themselves of because men are told if they have feelings, thoughts, expectations it needs we are being selfish. Honest question. We hear all the time in church what men are supposed to be. When is the last time you heard a sermon or message on what a wife is supposed to be? I think there is same amount of divorce in the church as in the world should be an indicator. Yes men need to emotional connect but men need to know if they become vulnerable they will not be shunned for expressing feeling and thoughts.
Such a beautiful episode...time can change men, (and, women)...struggles in building a family, work,...I've learned to give him space, he takes alot of it!..." he doesn't care about me" like he used to in the beginning, I feel....childhood; his father was disconnected to him emotionally while growing into manhood, did not go to HS sports...
Your wife was not alone. Sadly, I've died on the vine as well. Now, existence is the norm and flourishing is too much work
Please do a deep dive into Asperger’s syndrome, aka ASD. Many men are neurologically disconnected from their brain’s emotional center.
I was just wondering if you had the opportunity to apologize to your ex wife. Not ask for her forgiveness but to apologize.
I’m not asking this out of judgment this is just our responsibility to do when we’ve hurt people.
My question is why did he not go back to his 1st wife!! That would be a true testimony.
Do you think she would be willing?
@@cynthiafisher9907 idk but if he's really changed why would he not want to try and do the connection with her? I would do anything for my husband to try to connect with me.
I'm in his ex-wife's shoes.. only we're still married. BUT my guess is she would never take him back. Done means "D-O-N-E!!"
Guys who are emotionally unavailable move on quickly to someone else to do acts of service. my ex moved on to someone else within weeks of me leaving a 30 year marriage from him. The optics of me having left was too emotional for him to handle so instead of working to get me back he just moved on because it’s easier than to deal with the emotional void and instead of dealing with his sense of failure, So this will be a pattern for him unless he figures it out
I need desperate help with this. I know I’m not alone but it sure feels so lonely. 😭🙏🏻😭🙏🏻
We're sorry you are going through this, friend. Please know that you are in our prayers. If you’d like to discuss your situation with one of our counselors, please call us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459). God be with you! - Julia J
Thank you for doing this podcast. Very helpful.
Well if you are doing things for love and you don’t feel love, that is a sign that there is love in the relationship the problem is that you need to direct that love you are feeling in the right direction, listening to your wife, educate yourself on how can connect with your kids and wife if you love your family and there are signs of love there are ways to rescue your marriage!
Now, if your wife doesn’t love you anymore then there’s nothing you can do anymore and this applies for man as well.
When you loose your partner’s heart there is nothing you can do…
What about the women he vowed to first? I cry for her ans me.
17:57 If the Holy Spirit isn't doing that for a guy, then it is not his time? What does he mean by that?
This is my husband. It’s a very lonely life. He believes household chores and financial support equals love and I should be there for his sexual desires and I shouldn’t step out of line by having an opinion or expressing dismay about anything. He rages and slings abuse if I say anything he doesn’t like. He has a close emotional bond with his ex wife and I’m not allowed to comment on that.
We're sorry you're facing a difficult time in your marriage, @roseenglish1127. Please know that we're here to come alongside you in any way we can. If you'd like to talk things over with someone, please give us a call at 1-800-232-6459. Our hearts and prayers are with you.
-Luna H.
They either think everything is great or see problems and blame everything on their wife 😥😵💫🤧
Amen, I've been dealing with that myself..
Emotionally disconnected husbands. Your wife would be happier single, it is less lonely that way.
Or doing things and keeping her out of it and not including her on the process like she needed to be included and encouraged
One more time you have filed my heart with gratitude to Focus on this important issue very common in our world. Thank you. I can’t wait to give a book and read mine. Many more Blessings helping Families⭐️❤️🙏🕊.
Hi, Margarita. Thanks for sharing your enthusiasm for our program, and we’re glad that it was so meaningful to you. We are pleased by the opportunity the Lord has given us to be of encouragement to many families in our listening audience. Your kind comments about Focus mean a lot to us. God’s best to you. -Sharon P.
Wd have been having problems for years. Finaly trying and getting help. Often if i explain my heart he sits quiet and stares at me. If he responds, he dont get it or says im wrong. He wont say anything nice, in that moment telling me he loves me and hugging me would be great but he just stares at me
We're sorry you're facing a difficult time in your marriage, @jackijohnson3778. Please know that we're here to come alongside you both in any way that we can. If you think it might be helpful to talk things over with someone (at no cost to you), please give us a call at 1-800-232-6459. In the meantime, we will be praying for you, asking the Lord to intervene in your marriage, providing you both with His perfect peace.
-Luna H.
This is a GREAT EXPLANATION!!
What about sacrament of marriage?
In my long life, Kevin's birth order book was my favorite book.
The question is did the husband start out this way early on in the marriage or was it a gradual change over the years? Some men are just highly introverted or antisocial by personality which you can't really change and should think twice before considering marriage if one of the spouses fit in this category. Other reasons could be stress from work and life, depression, or health problems which can be addressed and corrected.
Maybe. Or watch how they treat everyone else they “value”, and compare it to spouse. If inquisitiveness, caring, sensitive to needs and feelings is present for all others but not spouse (except in short, intense dating phase), then that man has an intimacy problem he needs to learn what it stems from and address it maturely.
Didn't he just find a different woman that he felt for... sounds like he just didn't and still doesn't feel anything for the 1st wife. And he kinda makes that obvious. Ouch. I hope other men aren't encouraged to change wives, for progress in becoming connected men.
I’m “married” to an emotionally abusive man who has never shown me or my children any love or affection since we got married and we moved for him. He lied to me saying he was a Godly man and would be a good Dad to my kids, no he basically ruined our lives
We're sorry to hear about your marital struggles, Bonnie. We’ll be praying, asking our Heavenly Father to fill you and your husband with His love and compassion. May He be the center of your marriage and family, and may He provide strength and guidance as you look to Him. If you feel it might be helpful, we invite you to talk about your situation with one of our counselors (at no cost to you). Please call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT) -- we’d be happy to come alongside you in any way we can. In the meantime, the following material might be helpful: tinyurl.com/2jrykjb4; tinyurl.com/zw4x8jau and tinyurl.com/yj3rwyzn. -Emily F.
@@focusonthefamily thank you, please pray for my children most of all as they were most affected
We'll be praying for your children that God will fill them with His infinite love, strength and protection, Bonnie. -Emily F.
@@bonniemoore7506I have gotten a lot of help with Leslie Vernick. There are plenty of RUclips videos by her.
So, did you observe his behavior around your kids before you married him. I ask this bc I believe in dating someone for a couple years before marrying and in that time frame observe his behavior around your kids. An old pyschiatrist named Laura Schleishner(spelling may be wrong) used to say if you divorce and have children you should wait until children are grown before marrying anyone else.
Dear FoF, please do a similar discussion on emotionally disconnected wives.
Thanks for sharing, Michael. Please know that we're passing your suggestion along to the appropriate staff here at Focus on the Family. Your input is always appreciated. If you ever need a listening ear, please don’t hesitate to call us at 1‐800‐232‐6459. God’s blessings to you! -Mia J.
Yes..there’s a huge price..paid for staying!
So if they are emotionally disconnected, why do they care if the woman leaves them?
Childhood traumas build walls. This type typically does this out of self preservation. Women leaving is another deep hurt. Job loss, death and divorce are emotionally catastrophic. They love how they can, and time can love can change things. It’s a life long journey.❤
@@Scrabble8393live how you summarized this
@@Scrabble8393*love
Pride
Same question here@@mytreasuredcreations
Completely opposite for me., my wife is disconnected from me. Hyperfocused on other things outside the home. Tells me she doesnt feel connected to me , but does nothing to connect with me. I make every possible attempt to connect with her...i give up. Its exhausting and emotional abuse.
Could an emotional disconnected man have had a problem with rejection in his childhood?
I believe that is a huge factor.. not feeling the love and support from one's parents as a child emotionally stunts a child and makes it difficult to ever be vulnerable with someone as an adult.
@@Jkaye13 I believe that was the case with my husband.... Sadly, I only found that out just before his passing.... I wish I had know that during our 48 years of marriage.... It makes a lot of sense to me now. 😒
Very interesting to buy the book
I have absolutely NO emotional, spiritual, or sexual connection with my husband. I've been married for six years. I died five years ago. We just live like roommates. I could have the same level of intimacy with a stranger walking on the opposite side of the street. I've had repeated conversations with him, trying to express how I feel about the lack of spiritual, emotional, and consequently, lack of sexual intimacy. I've been told by him that I was being a wimp for expressing how I feel. I feel like all I am to him is a check writer; a bank, to keep a roof over his head; make a nice home for him. That is all I am! I'm ready to get out! I'm emotionally dead! The switch is turned off. Our anniversary was 10 September. Neither of us mentioned it. I would not flinch if he left.
We are so sorry to hear about how you feel. If you’d like to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you), call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). In the meantime, we will be praying for you. We hope to hear from you. Ella L
I’m sorry for your pain. Do you know why your husband is so closed off? Do you have anyone to talk to about it? May the Lord bless you & keep you.
I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself, prioritize living in peace.
What if your disconnected husband will not read your book? I haven't finished reading it & I'm discouraged. He's seen me very emotional and is not moved. He continues on with good works. I used to blame this on his career in law enforcement. But it's deeper than that.
We're sorry you're facing a difficult time in your marriage, @margaretchaney5627. Please know that we're here to come alongside you and provide any advice and resources that we can. If you'd like to talk things over with someone, please give us a call at 1-800-232-6459. In the meantime, please know that our prayers are with you and your marriage.
-Luna H.
I will be sending this to my wife
I will be sending it to my husband 😂
I think there are many more women today who need to hear this than men.
What happens when a man is told if he shares his feelings, thoughts, expectations, and needs and is told he is selfish not just by his wife, but the church. When have you heard a sermon on what a wifes should do in marraige. We hear all about what men should do. Why are we suprised men wall themselves off. When the divorce rate in the church is almost the same as the world you would think it might cause our pastoral class to ask some questions.
What if it’s the wife who’s more emotionally disconnected? Resources for her?
@Jennifer Great question! We have many resources on our website for men or women. I will attach a few. However, if you would like to let us know some other details, I am sure we could get you a better resource. Thank you! God bless you!
bit.ly/4dlRa8i
bit.ly/3zxFe5O
- Treasure H.
Do any other women feel like the more emotionally disconnected ones?
I’m from Ghana and most Ghanaian men are like this.
My ex husband EXACTLY THE SAME, no connection on empathy absolutely NOTHING all he ever cared about was himself and whatever woman that's in his life, no connection with his children or Grandkids, emotionally stunted, behaves like a 2 year old, had to leave him to his own devices, my ex husband is an Narcissist.
I feel like I can be emotionally distant. My husband has struggled with his mental health for years and I think I have just shut down. I don’t feel like my emotional needs stand a chance of being met so I have just turned them off. I know it’s bad, I just don’t feel safe to bring them out.
❤ this was great ,thanks this sounds like my husband
Jesus says in Matthew that when you issue a certificate of divorce from your spouse neither of you are to marry another. You must remain single or get back together.
So how does this fit into this narrative?