How to Heal an Emotionally Disconnected Marriage with Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk | 09/16/2019
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- Опубликовано: 11 июл 2024
- Every marriage goes through seasons of conflict, but how can you learn from your disagreements and stick together through hard times? Listen as Dr. Sharon May, a psychologist and marriage and family therapist, talks with Dr. Tim Clinton about marriages that are emotionally divided.
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In my 40-plus years, if I try to discuss my concerns at non-upset times, my husband immediately begins yelling and saying I’m the cause of him losing his temper or that he ignores me because I talk too much. He says he doesn’t like discussing “stupid stuff,” and says I live in a dream world where I don’t understand men, etc. I’ve pleaded for counseling which he refused so I went. I went to seminars, read books, watched podcasts, etc. literally, I do all the work. When he yells and blames, I stay calm and try to focus on an issue which makes him escalate until it becomes cruel and mean. So I drop it, walk away, and shut down -because there is no other option left. I’m sick and tired, and that’s my bad…I own that. He told me to accept him as he is or get the h*** out. I stayed. I’ve endured. I’m worn out. Lost my love for him so long ago I don’t even remember ever loving him, even when I look at wedding photos when we looked blissfully happy. There’s a toxic mindset among a lot of Christian men (and some women too), and they don’t care, don’t want to see it, and have no intention of improving and changing. It destroys love. And it has broken me.
I’m going through this right now where I was in his shoes and was to blind to what my wife feels, I refuse to see my wife I misunderstood unappreciated and feeling unworthy. I’m watching the videos the podcast and seminars to do all I can to get the woman I married back to her happy place. I let my guard down I’m not on edge trying to be the lion all the time. He’s holding on to some hurt that he can’t articulate when you described how he’s reacting I can honestly say that was me and I’m working on me to be better for my wife my family my friends and for me too. If he’s not doing or going to do the work it’ll be a harrrrd battle. Sadly. There is hope though.
I’m so sorry😞.
I’m not saying he IS a narcissist but I wonder if he could be behaving like one. That is a toxic and abusive situation. That is not God’s plan for you. You’re alive but your soul probably feels dead. Your spirit may be saved but God wants our souls to be saved (refined, thriving) as well.
I pray that you have the strength and courage of the LORD to process and work through what you need to and when. I also pray that your capacity for growth multiplies.
Oh, my dear sister! My heart hurts to read what you wrote. I can pray for you.
I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt this way. It’s so painful and truly damaging. I urge you to seek help from trusted counsel and pastoral care. This is utterly unacceptable behavior from your spouse.
Relatable. But when the days are good, they are SO GOOD.
What's your husband's childhood traumas? What were the coping mechanisms or love languages that built his heart for women?
Maybe there are answers in that, even if he's like my husband and is not going to be UNoffended at the suggestion for exploring those answers on his own.
Starved from having Swollowed too many unspoken thoughts.
OverStuffed and THIRSTY from drowning in the desert of their assumptions.
So nice. Thank you for posting
Wow loved this. Thank you so much
I'm glad I stayer till the end. THanks for this video
Thank you both of you
I love this
Years and years like a box without a key. He won't give me the key. I cannot find it for him, pastors and counselors cannot find it for him. I have been alone, drowning in crisis after crisis not of my own making. It stinks. Half my life gone feeling more like a prisoner, a maid, a nurse, and even a nanny more than a wife and mother. 😔 To top it off he has untreated narcolepsy so there is barely any time together where he doesn't sleep...however he shows more emotion for sports than for most of life!
We feel connected to and love the things (and people) we invest in. When couples hurt each other (which happens in every marriage) and allow resentment to set in, the distance grows. Once there's distance, we stop investing in that other person. When bitterness--and eventually contempt--sets in, confession and repentance is the only way back to love.
SO GOOD.
Thank you… 🧡
I long to be emotionally connected, seen ,heard and loved but it will never happen, my husband is autistic, has a neurological deficit through no fault of his own, a condition kept from me before marriage because he needed a "mother" and a carer , but emerged on our honeymoon with a vicious temper, lack of empathy, insight or reciprocity. He is neurologically incapable of most executive functioning, reflection on his behaviour and participation in conversations due to his mind blindness. I am brokenhearted, demoralised, exhausted and alone the last 40 years in which I have been the organiser of the family with no husband to lean on. An intensive will not help. There are many spouses like me but mostly I believe they struggle along quietly, covering for their mate's deficiencies in a lose / lose situation.
I feel you Sophie, as I too am brokenhearted, demoralized, and exhausted from my situation as well, and believe the only thing left for us to do, is to surrender those feelings and thoughts to God of the Holy Bible, being the oldest book in the entire world, and who is our true father in Heaven, who wants a personal relationship with us through His son Jesus Christ, being God's gift to us, and just believing and trusting Him in every thing we do, and and when we do, He will give us a peace that passes all understanding to get through whatever storm we're dealing with, just as He's done for me! And what's more important, a life of 100 years here on earth, which as stated in the Bible, is nothing but a vapor or mist that dissipates, meaning life is so short, or receiving eternal life in Heaven (paradise)?!? As none of us is guaranteed tomorrow. Its said that God so loved the world, that he gave up his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him, shall not perish, but have everlasting life! John 3:16. Take it just one day at a time to keep your sanity, and ask Jesus to give you that peace that passes all understanding, and He will! For Jesus said; Come to me all you who are burdened and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28. And He will! I mean, with every thing you're going through right now...What do you have to lose? Hang in there Sophie, and if you ever need to reach out to some one, please don't hesitate to email me at robmiskell@gmail.com. Take care, and I wish you well!
Pray for their salvation and spiritual maturity every day. My husband was hit by a car when he was three yrs old and has been handicapped from it since , it left him brain damaged with slow speach, shaky hands, limping but he is still pretty indepedant but has had a drinking n smoking problem since teen years, some anger issues. One day I layed my hand on my spouse's shoulder and said to him, "Be born again in the name of Jesus." And he has been changed for the good ever since. He talked about it a couple days later and said he believes God has a plan for his life now. He is more respectful and alot less self-centered ever since. So much less angry and more self controlled. I know God's changed him but I'm still praying for he's still been drinking n smoking too much.
Curious: Why do you stay in this?
I also have an autistic husband with Asperger's and no possible bipolar disorder,
Yes! But a little different situation. But yes yes yes
Why does the woman always have to do something be the one who steps up to fix the marriage? My late husband loved dismissing me then blamed for me being the problem in our marriage.
Yes. I feel that fighting is when you are so angry that you try to hurt each other with words. At that time, you are not loving each other. Even in discussing and disagreeing, keep loving each other. (Maintain respect). The annoyance will fade. Keep on praying too.
Pray for each other's salvation and spiritual awakening every day. One day I layed my hand on my spouse's shoulder and said to him, "Be born again in the name of Jesus." And he has been changed for the good ever since. He is more respectful , so much less angry and more self controlled. Ever since I awakened spiritually we don't really fight anymore because I learned to walk away from what I haven't been able to change about him. I just walk away or change the topic so there's no argument.
I know God's changed him but I'm still praying for him to quit drinking and smoking too much. But I'm glad he's not as self-centered anymore.
Dear moderator/host. Let your guest speak please. If you invite someone to your program, please give them the respect to actually contribute the value for which you invited them. If you measure the amount of time you spent speaking compared to how much time you allowed her to speak, you might be surprised. All the best. 😌
What to do if one spouse is doing all the work, all the right things and the spouse won't do his part? Years of the same, and he will not take accountability for himself!
I would love to get the same advice! Wow we have the same situation except now things are different. I love him so much & I realized that & recently he became emotionally disconnected with me & honestly it's been hurting me but I still want to try to make it work but better than before!
I don’t know what’s best. I stayed but haven’t been in love for 35 of the 40 years. I don’t recommend it. My son left after 19 years of it and he’s happier on his own now. However, he’d like to re-marry but says available women are full of baggage and can see why they are divorced- he’s only dated a few though. They have depression, or are bi-polar. They can’t help it but he doesn’t feel he can take their mental health on because they admit they stop taking their meds when the feel better. So I don’t know what’s best as I said.
I think you are suppose to stick with it, not just one tip but several, apparently not even to the point of being yourself anymore. If you don't see some improvement then you have learn to accept things the way they are or go the extreme alternative route. After all you cant change someone, you ccan only change your perception and response.
Until recently I could say that my husband and I never fought, but I found out why. We don’t talk to each other. I found this out only after being together for 25 years, that he is not able to express his feelings and for 25 years I had been sleeping through this, not being aware. Now I feel so much closer to my real self and I cannot go on living like this. I awakened spiritually and I really resent him, because I now realise that he no longer provides what I need most now and that is authenticity, being true to yourself’. So fighting exposed this really big problem. It is not a matter of you have my back, I’ll have yours.
Consider if your husband has autism. In this case, it is not his fault.
Drop the pride.
I would pray for his salvation and spiritual awakening every day and I pray for my soulmates spiritual maturity also, whoever he is out there. One day I layed my hand on my spouse's shoulder and said to him, "Be born again in the name of Jesus." And he's been believing in God ever since, he's more respectful, more self-controlled, less angry now. I've still been praying he quits drinking and smoking too much though.
I know someone who was changed through water baptism in Jesus' name not in the name of the father, son and holy spirit but baptize in Jesus' name.
I also know someone who uttered a prayer in the midst of his despair , anger filled and addiction filled life, "God save me." And God heard him and changed him that very moment. He's a new person to this day.
Once you wake up, it’s hard to just stop thinking about everything that your relationship is lacking.
@@ABar83376 truth
Good talk.very practical and clear
How do I get my wife off of her cell phone? We hardly do anything together anymore because she never puts it down. I try so hard to have meaningful connection with her and chooses the phone over me every time.
She's lacking something in her life. Cellphones are a craze on it's own but natural addictions come from filling a void, unless she is ADD, then addictions come with that too. Maybe marraige counciling can help if you feel you have already done everything to connect with her and it isnt happening.
Sorry but I’m not convinced that just because one spouse is brokenhearted the other one is also.
How do emotionally unavailable people fill their need for intimacy?
God bless you we have been married 21 years and we fell apart the way you saying persueing and withdrawing and very emotionally our kids grew up moved out and now we are falling apart we are lost with out them on our marriage is lost I don't know what to do I feel like I lost my husband too and I want to save us
What to do if your spouse never has your back.
Looking back can see now my spouse never called in sick for me.
Never understood why I was upset when other men would put their hands in her.
I really need help in my marriage...its falling apart and will be beyond repair soon...
Hey dear,if you need devine restoration in your marriage, i know of a way man pastor who can help and your home will be restored
Message him on whatsapp for help
+1 (334) 232 8304
You can please some of the people all of the time or please all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time
What if you don't fight because you never see each other...he works 80 hours a week. I see him by looking at pictures around the house.
What do you do when your spouse refuses to apologize, shows no empathy or makes an effort to repair. Instead, they say things like: "do whatever you want", "I don't care" and doesn't want to comminicate or try to find a common ground... yet, DEMANDS your respect (when he has been viciously hurtful and disrespectful towards you). What do you do when your husband refuses to acknowledge his part in the breakdown or problems and blames you 100%?
Pray for his salvation and spiritual maturity every day. One day I layed my hand on my spouse's shoulder and said to him, "Be born again in the name of Jesus." And he's been changed for the good ever since , he's been believing in God ever since. He's more respectful, less angry more self controlled ever since. Just never give up, try getting him baptized in Jesus' name, I heard it changes people too. Baptize in Jesus' name , not in the name of the father, son and holy spirit.
I know a guy he uttered a prayer in the midst of his dispair, anger filled and suicidal life, "God save me." And God heard him and changed him that very moment. He is a new person to this day.
That's emotional abuse
You can't change him. But you can change yourself. Change your strategies in all your battles. Take it to the Lord in prayer & fasting. And you will see His miracles unfolding before your eyes. Be still, be quiet, God is working.
This is my marriage too. He refuses to apologize and points at me for everything wrong. I learned the four attachment styles and learned that I am an Anxious-Attachment Type, and he is the Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment Type...learning that dynamic was my A-HA moment after 15 years! I realized that I have been allowing him to emotionally abuse me...so many narcissistic traits and tactics like Baiting and Bashing, Invalidating, Dismissing, Stonewalling, Diminishing, Avoiding, Ignoring...just feel like I’m dying inside everyday. He has already told everyone I am mentally ill. He has stood up for his mother against me, he chooses his family and their church...he goes to church without me. He’s just been so unloving, uncaring, and I literally feel hopeless. He was researching how to take custody and divorce me and bought a n expensive guitar...now he’s trying to get testosterone online for his bodybuilding. I don’t know who this person is anymore. I’m scared to talk to him bc he tries to bring me to that crazy cycle, I started counseling for myself and am learning how to take control and set boundaries. He doesn’t know what to do with my new neutral and calm no reactions. He’s caught off guard when j don’t do what he wants me to do just to dismiss me. I learned to diffuse and deflect and pause and breath...I know I’m going to heal, grow, and get better, I pray for my husband bc he has to face his own issues on his own.
Hello. I get it the arguments happen but my issue is I avoid conflict. I shut down, go in the other room. I am afraid to speak with my spouse about general everyday items for fear that it might turn into a discussion or a confrontation. I would say I am gun shy, so I only speak when spoken to. This has caused deeper problems in that I no longer reach out for physical contact. Yes, I have issues and I don’t know how to get past the fear associated with discussions and physical contact.
Do you have any suggestions?
Thank you
Gary Zornow
im in a marriage with a disconnected abusive narcassistic man that refuses to fix himself and refuses to trust god and listen to him. i feel constantly abandoned and discarded by him an i just feel like ive wasted 16 years being in a emotionally and physically abusive relationship. i dont feel like he really loves me its more that hes used to his routine and i feel alone evan when he is home. i feel like everything i do for him goes unnoticed or not appreciated he never goes outta his way to show me im a priority or that im important to him and he takes off after his abusive rages and leaves until he proves his point whatever that may be an than says the things i want to hear like "hes going to change or get counseling" but than never follows through and the cycle repeats over n over again and i feel just exhausted and overwhelmed an frustrated how he always blames me for why he gets angry and we argue but i keep trying to show him that its his lack of effort and lack of communication and his unwillingness to get rid of his ego n pride that wont allow us to heal any of the pain or damage he has caused an his taking off and staying with his parents an abandoning our kids and myself are a big reason theres so much resentment inside me an he doesnt show any emotion towards any hurtful thing hes said or done to me or our kids but he can cry an show emotion towards his family member passing away but if its me or our kids an hes hurting us he wont evan shed a tear. its sad to see my husband become someone he isnt. its like hes demon possesed an all empathy or remorse he should have just goes out the window an he acts like an unemotional zombie.
Mr. Tim Clinton I'm trying to figure out who the guest was today you got to let the guest do some of the speaking
Dr. Sharon May
Just cannot win sometimes. You push and she shuts down. You back off and put the ball in her court and she just takes it as the pressure is off. Eventually, she want off to have an affair. So she was willing to emotionally connect, just not with me.
She put up the wall between us, and used it to get closer to another.
She has to want to tear down the wall. If she doesn't, like it was mentioned, it doesn't matter what you do, she will just hold it in contempt. (Another Gottman concept.)
Sometimes, the power to hurt is in NOT using your words. Stonewalling instead of seeking to repair.
Sometimes he's actually asking her to help him understand, but she is unwilling or unable to describe it, or holds him in contempt for not understanding, thinking she's given clear guidance. If he's saying he doesn't understand, he doesn't understand no matter how clearly you believe you've been.
It doesn't matter how Christ-like you become. Contemporaries of Christ had no problem leaving him, abandoning him.
I'm not saying be loving or kind. I'm saying I've found it to not be very effective. Someone bent on blaming you for how they feel will do so no matter how good you are. They have the wall up and refuse to look. They are negative sentiment override and often have the fantasy of the affair, with no "daily dirties" to deal with, so they just walk away.
I contacted FOTF years ago when this happened, asking for someone else to contact my now ex-wife as she had no interest in hearing me.
It never happened. As far as I can tell, she was never contacted. I never got a call back saying we reached out to ______, and she said yes, no, go to hell or anything.
I asked about individual intensive, but you were not offering them.
However, there was a great deal of focus on same-sex marriage.
But little to no effort, from my vantage point, to actually address existing marriages in a personal, one-on-one fashion.
So suggesting folks call leaves me a bit wanting given my prior experience.
Dont give up hope if there was even a minimum of actual love between you. The key to solve things will be how you ensure. Her time to see her mistakes will come. But thats the path of love if there was never love and be honest about that and not in the anger way. We never really loved each other nonsense. People compare infatuation with love that needs to mature over time. Keep praying. Be honest to her yourself and all will be well.
What if the wife treats the man like a grandpa, nothing more nothing less like a care giver or just a pleasant nuisance to put up with.
Is it Mae or May??
Yes yes yes...so annoying
Sorry, too much religion.
All humans are religious because every person worships something. Where do you turn when life is entirely beyond your resources? How do you face sickness, heartache, tragedy, and the prospect of death without knowing God is there, and in control?