The Divorce Expert: 86% Of People Who Divorce Remarry! Why Sex Is Causing Divorces!
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- Опубликовано: 12 июн 2024
- James Sexton is America's top divorce lawyer, and bestselling author of romantic advice books 'How to Stay in Love' and 'If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late'.
00:00 Intro
02:02 I Am A Divorce Lawyer
02:37 How Many People Divorce
08:51 The Dynamics Between Gold Diggers And Millionaires
12:33 What's Prenups? And The Legalities Behind Marriage!
17:14 The Perfect Prenup
18:56 Disagreements Over Prenups
26:48 Are Prenups Legal?
28:34 The Most Shocking Prenup (Don't Get Fat)
29:59 Appearance As A Measure Of Love In A Relationship
32:33 Prenups With Fidelity & Cheating Clauses
37:30 Are Prenups On The Rise?
39:39 Are People Fake Happy?
44:18 Stop Comparing Your Relationships To Others
50:44 How To Prevent Divorce
55:25 "Happy Wife, Happy Life"
01:02:59 Is Sex The Biggest Cause Of Divorce?
01:07:53 Fixing The Marriage
01:09:36 Who Cheats More?
01:10:02 Who Wants More Sex?
01:13:05 Most Shocking Deceit
01:14:18 Why Husbands Like To Sleep With The Nannies
01:16:36 Killing To Get Out Of A Relationship
01:22:17 Have You Ever Cried?
01:24:29 Love And Loss
01:37:01 Seeing Relationships As Chapters
01:40:55 Have We Been Sold An Idyllic Lie?
01:44:34 Is Money The Biggest Cause Of Divorce?
01:48:59 Can You Hide Money?
01:50:16 You Are Liable For Debts
01:51:49 Winning The Lottery And Keeping Quiet
01:53:20 LGBT Rights & Divorces
01:59:19 Are Open Relationships The Answer?
02:02:00 Is Cheating Okay?
02:05:44 Should We Get Married?
02:13:14 Last Guest Question
You can purchase James’s book, ‘How to Stay in Love’, here: amzn.to/3V5hA8J
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Thank you all for watching, if you could do me a favour, hit the like button on the video if you liked this conversation! It’s a topic I’ve never covered so hoping you liked it ❤
You couldn't even make it through the intro without blaspheming the Lord Jesus. If you really think you should be publicly blaspheming then be bold and do the same to Islam's Muhammad.
your a joy to listen too and love your content!
Love the new lighting and depth of field. I love listening to this guy and have seem him multiple times. In a way it seems strange because I am still deeply in love with my wife after 27 years together. It is a multicultural marriage with a 20 year age gap but if anything it has gotten better over the years. Perhaps it is because I pay attention to the things he talks about and continue to hone my relationship skills despite being together for so long.
Man, you have the most interesting and engaging podcast I've watched. Very great work bud!!
One of your most enlightening and thought provoking guests yet so far. Successful, long term relationships are far and few between. Personally? I would never even attempt such a tumultuous endeavor. Great speaker. Great discussion. Wonderful channel. ❤
My grandfather passed away last year after 78 years of marriage. Upon learning he had terminal cancer and no more than 3 months to live, he started crying and said “Who’s going to take care of my wife after I’m gone?”
That is the mindset of someone with a long-term successful marriage.
Yup. My grandparents were married for over 60 years. While he was dying, one of his biggest concerns was who would take care of my grandmother. They don't seem to make them like that anymore, and if they do, they are rare!!
Yes. I am 83. My husband and the love of my life died in my arms two years ago after 61 years of marriage. It was not a perfect marriage. I swear, every 7 or 8 years, it changed drastically, sometimes for the good, sometimes bad. We made many mistakes. But we loved each other, and we loved each other’s families, and we adored our children. So we endured…until the next change. The old poem is right: “Grow old along with me. The best is yet to be, the last of life for which the first was made.”
@@teddieryan2288brilliant, God bless you (and Chuck) for sharing this.
What is the purpose of marriage?
This atty shouldn't have this interview, unless the value of him promoting his service outweighs the aidjence he dissuades to avoid marriage. He wouldn't consider this on small following channel.
For a divorce lawyer, dude is giving better relationship advice than relationship coaches. Great episode.🙌🏾
This guy's a legend lol!
Yup 👍
What book is it & what's the name of the lawyer author pls? TY
He’s was performing…hug your dog and smell him😭
@@Dmode-pq6gf yeah got ridiculous towards the end lol. NGL
"white teeth and rotting gums" is one of the best descriptions of social media I've ever heard
Indeed
My mother used to say 'all fur coat and no knickers' - also implying, I thought, a distinct lack of morality.
There's no such thing as a perfect marriage or relationship; they're all unique. What makes one person happy might not make another person happy. But I've learned that there's always a way to solve problems. Five years back, my wife and I were almost divorcing because we had problems in our marriage, but we managed to work things out. It was a hard time, but we got past it.
I get why what you're saying is so important, and I honestly want to be happy too. I'm in a relationship, and even though we're apart, I can't imagine my life without her; my love for her is strong. I really want her to come back, and I'm fully dedicated to making that happen. We've tried different paths, like therapy, to fix things.
Moving on from someone you hold dear is invariably challenging, but in my experience, I was guided by a spiritual counselor who prevented the breakdown of my marriage. Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters.
Thank you for this advice. I'll promptly start searching for her online. I appreciate it. I'm optimistic that pursuing this approach will also lead to favorable outcomes for me; her absence weighs heavily on me.
Welcome...You should
Mariage is not as much about finding happiness or the good person than it is about being able to deal with difficulties and self sacrifice from both parties. Nowadays, we identify hapiness with easy times. Easy times won't make you better, hard times will. And we tend to dodge or flee from hard times so they always come back until we learn how to deal properly with them or they break us.
This guy said something really profound. "The reason why I never wanted to be famous is because the praise of strangers never really appealed to me" Let that sink in
Yet still did it anyway
And you'd have to deal with fans constantly approaching you in public.
That's why 'famous' people should hold on to friends they made before they became famous
@artvandelay3922 Did he do it...or his career did it without his consent... some decisions we never know they will put us in the public eye... that's why some actors choose to leave the industry.. because the fame is too much... and some are famous but live such quiet lives, only to pop up, make a movie and disappear again...
Profound? When something sounds good but lacks in logic it is often referred to as sophistry. Another term that can be used is 'specious reasoning', which refers to statements that appear plausible on the surface but are actually flawed - in this see case his actions or inactions in this regard bely his truths.
My husband leaves me notes on my computer before he leaves to work. I put notes in his lunch. His coworkers laugh but I can’t imagine my life without him
That screams insecurity and that you constantly need reassurance. What you gonna do if your partner gets bored of writing these notes, have a melt down?
This is so sweet!
That’s really nice….realizing early that it’s the little things will take you far.
@@imconfused1237 No silly, its the little continuous gestures that solidify a partnership. Think of how all other animals that form solid couples do small bond reinforcing gestures on a daily basis, oftentimes several times a day (grooming, chatting, cuddling and on)! Nature itself tells us these little gestures go far and are important!
@@imconfused1237 say you don’t understand how women operate without saying you don’t know how women operate lol.
This married woman I knew got a call from a former nanny who was crying uncontrollably, when she asked her what was wrong, the nanny kept on apologizing. She said, I slept with your husband. The wife said, how can you do this to me? She said, that’s not the worse part, I have HIV. When the wife went to the hospital, she was tested positive, they had to sedate her. This woman is one of the nicest people I have ever met, her biggest mistake is life was not divorcing her husband knowing that he was sleeping with other women. Most people don’t use protection, if you find out your mate is cheating, run. Your health is more important.
😢
😢😢😢😢😢
😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
I have a friend who has a similar story, but it was herpes. He was the one who cheated (ill give him a break, he was only 18 and learned his lesson, and now he's been married and madly in love with kids for a decade now). I guess I should be thankful my ex used a rubber each time she cheated. But she only used a rubber because it would be easier to hide it from me. So, bittersweet.
For the woman you spoke about, thankfully HIV is no longer a death sentence, but that's like finding a silver lining in a bowl of feces...
Wow that's dreadful.
my little brother came to the house crying, and said his wife was divorce him for his fishing partner. I told him to stop crying that was good you don’t need her and he said yeah,
But who am I gonna go fishing with now?
😂
😂
Little brother got some sense. He is learning very well letting go and ❤🎉
Yeah. Cuz he's a guy and she let him.
🤣🤣🤣
I clicked because he's a divorce lawyer. I stayed because he's an awesome human.
That's profound
Why do people here think he's so awesome? I seriously don't get it lol.
Justifying affairs is far from being awesome lol.
He is not saying it is right or moral. @@masculinityproject3183
@@masculinityproject3183he didn’t justify it. Listen carefully. As someone with an undergrad in Psychology too, he was giving insight to the way humans justify their actions. He didn’t necessarily agree.
I am an old man who has lost everything and everyone I've ever loved, but I'll never stop loving for as long as I live. Thank you for this reaffirming episode. It really touched my heart.
Love is all there is. It’s brave to choose love above all else. ❤
There is ALWAYS someone or something to love. I have also lost everyone and everything, except Love, so I love, love, love, love, love every moment. It is really nice. I wish you well.
@@ClaireCelticMysticLove to you. 🎉
@@AT-eu4zu❤
I am so jealous of you. You had someone to love, and you still have. I have had very few people that I have loved and think that they were worth loving. People are definitely very disappointing. You trade you care, honesty for lies and world of hurt.
They 86% remarry to make their previous partner feel jealous.
😂😅Indeed.
Or because they didn't learn their lesson
He got me with the “hug them and think about this being the last hug you are able to give them, then, remember they are still here…” I want to go give my mom a hug.
The sound bites in this podcast episode are pure gold! “Tradition is peer pressure from dead people” 😅😅
Tradition is advice from people who've learned through the pain so you don't have to.
@@bv3635 With as much respect that you can get from my response, I disagree. WISDOM is advice from people who have learned thru pain so you don't have to.
Tradition is important as a guide.
Peer pressure is from God through the Bible. It's not man made.
G. K. Chesterton said tradition is the democracy of the dead. It is saying we value their opinion and experience and wisdom. Not that we need to do everything their way. But that they at least get a vote.
“It is so brave to love.” So many quotable moments…this conversation is one of my all time favorites.
Me too!😊
I’ve been brave and burned down several times…makes you want to only love yourself! I like this lawyer..he actually emotes!
Yes, you are so right!! James Sexton was brilliant though at first I was skeptical. As I continued to listen I realized some things about myself. He shared so much information and I know it would have made me stop and think about my own relationships, but I’m hearing it now and it’s okay. Excellent conversation Steven and James🥰. I recommend this episode to anyone thinking about marriage or partnership…it opened my eyes!!!
He has another interview as equally profound with minimal duplication. Idk if it’s allowed for me to post the channel, but it was 9 mos ago. This guy has a lot of unique and interesting things to say. Worth listening to both interviews in full.
I was posing the video just so I could write down some ( most) of his thoughts
Best interview ever. As zen buddhist, professor of emotional intelligence and married for 22 years I would never expect to hear such deep reflections about love and human nature from a divorce lawyer. Congratulations for the interview! James, thank you for sharing your ideas. Yes, you sound as an amazing person.
Excellent video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her/him?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Haha, nicely played guys (no).
This is by far my favorite episode of your podcast so far. James moved me to tears with his candour and his unwavering faith in love despite all the (ugly) divorces he witnessed. I would like to thank you for showing men who wear their vulnerability and emotion as a badge of honour. This takes true courage and they are incredible role model for young men who can witness what real masculinity is all about.
THIS! ❤
Really glad to hear this one resonated with you so deeply! Thanks for sharing 🙏
Masculinity has its positives and negatives. It doesn’t mean one is real and the other is fake.
This man is a parasite. Divorce lawyers of his type are about the assassination of the other party.....he never once spoke about fallout about children and his responsibility to suitably balanced post split. It's a win at all costs.... hence protracted, expensive and exhausting for both parties. I wonder if he thinks about the 4 deaths on the other side. It was glossed over. What about his work in hospice? I expect behind the tears over dogs and marital lessons learned he's probably somewhat troubled.
Agreed!
I didn't expect to get emotional while listening to a divorce lawyer. The way this man talks about love is incredible. Great content, as usual.
Me too. This was exceptional because this man knows what love means... He really does
I saw another interview with him previously and it made me go buy his book. It was EXCELLENT!!
Truly!
Hey manulina how about getting a divorce and marrying me
What's your plan
@@jontyrhodes4155 ahaha
This Lawyer is more than a lawyer, he is the fruit of human kind. he is touched. Great episode.
I need lectures. I will take law school/paralegal as long as he's the professor
The part "Love and Loss"... I cried a lot because my rabbit Sara passed away a month ago. Sara wasnt eternal. She was loaned to me and vice-versa to love each other. I am glad. I loved you.
Lawyers are better than therapist. Almost got a divorce about 7 years ago and a meeting with a lawyer taught me more than all the sessions of therapy we went to. Oddly enough, we stuck it out and have building strong once again.
That's beautiful. Congrats 👏
Agree.. my sessions with my lawyer are so calming - they serve facts in a world filled with so much misinformation.
Is your lawyer a relative? Lawyers don't make money counseling clients
Therapists in particular lock women into their beliefs. I have very few therapists I admire.
Try meeting with a Catholic priest, they are smarter than lawyers.✝️They will blow your mind.
He is such a good storyteller. Passionate, empathetic with a wit. And he is not afraid to show emotion. Love this conversation.
That's why he's a persuasive, successful lawyer
If I were on a jury I bet I'd be voting his way... 😅
He srsly really is that good, I'm so here for it
An actor
@@virtualtraveler2024I’m that passionate when I speak of certain things that trigger, he just happens to be an attorney earning a decent living.
There is another interview with him on Soft White Underbelly channel. Thats a good one too
Nevr expected a divorce expert to be so wise and profoundly articulate about the nature of Love.
Ikr!!!!
I mean that’s his job and he’s showing his proficiency
@@darthjakenjanje1877 yah fair! Totally makes sense when you think about it. Just wasn't expecting it I guess.
36:04 :"Cheating is its own penalty.... Does anybody get out infidelity without hurting themselves and a bunch of other people?" this guy is just amazing!!
"I have an infinite capacity for love, no matter what I lose, cause we are losing all, all the time, but that's not a reason to not to love" one of the best episodes so far!
that sounds stupid
@@stereo-soulsoundsystem5070I mean if that’s all you can say to give your opinion, that’s says a lot
I agree!
@@stereo-soulsoundsystem5070 stupid is as stupid talks haha (yes, you. the quote up there is just wonderful and if you think its stupid, you probably are a kid or have really no clue about how life works)
I had to STOP the video to cry, make tea, ponder, cry, savor and survive the truth of that one sentence, "I have an infinite capacity for love, no matter what I lose." I had to sit and allow the healing, the washing-clean, pouring light transmission directly from the Heart of God through my Soul;
I lost my mom at 5,
my dad at 11,
my mind at 16,
my hope at 19,
my homes, every year, all my life, always moving on,
seeking what love could do to heal my heart and shine through me, in a healthy way,
my adoptive father at 52, (to porn, heart attack; true, it is a thing, he was 64), + 3 months later, ...
my lil 27-yr.-o. Sis (to Heroin + flesh-eating bacteria someone shot her up into a hole due to that; true; frightening),at 52,
my adoptive mom at 56,
my family home of 51 years at 59,
my willingness to accept any traces of abuse and disrespect at 50.
I am now 60. I leave a wake of shock behind me, as I address any lack of loving, because I know what love is, and I carry and share it freely. I deserve and accept nothing less. I had no idea what respect was until Ger Lyons (gerlyons.net) helped me heal all my confusion, in 14 years of training in Celtic Mysticism;
Ger Lyons Global Healing Events.
(He's Irish, and he knows.)
I am so grateful for this sharing.
The wisdom, the profound truths, the laughs that were equally healing, the sweetness of the truth about Love from a man who has seen marriage fail solely due to the failure of loving, never of Love, this is everything.
I am bowing to this exchange.
You both are making the world a better place.
I have already Subscribed.
Love has never failed.
Aloha, Claire
So wonderful to see a hard nosed lawyer who has witnessed so much divorce yet still has the capacity to feel and express joy and love.
What a guy ❤
RIGHT!!! Its the empathy and perspective that makes him so much different than the typical lawyer, esp one that specializes in divorces
Couldn’t agree more
What a concept,” It takes bravery to love.” Wow! This is a divorce lawyer who gave tremendous advice on finance and relationships.
Here is the ethical argument for prenup: Dynamic consent!
Without prenup, the breadwinner might be trapped in marriage due to fear of loss of assets, and the dependent might be trapped in marriage due to fear of loss of sustenance. When either side is unable to leave in marriage, this renders the consent to stay married moot.
Therefore, we can say Dynamic consent requires Safety net, which is provided by prenup, nobody is going homeless just because of a divorce, the husband, the wife, the children all deserve social security to prevent disruption to any life plans.
That point about dad never saying he loved you hit home for me. My Indian dad is not particularly affectionate with words but growing up we moved a lot and he would always choose the place with the best school districts, one time having a 2 hour commute to work each way to ensure my sister and I had the best education. When we hit financial struggles, My parents forewent all their vacations for 15 years to pay for our college and told us they expect us to pay it forward for our children. Dad has never said ‘i love you’ but he doesn’t need to! His actions are so loud. I’ve had friends lecture me about how parents HAVE to say it and I found this condescending and annoying. Just because it happens to you doesn’t mean this is how everyone expresses love
This is incredibly wise.
@@Caroline-ez8ls, it is incredibly normal in Asian society.
Also the reason why Indian community has less divorce rates than most countries. It’s changing to worse year over year due to western influence. At least so far, Asian parents would pay for their children’s education with blood and kidneys if they have to (in sprite). Better than expecting unskilled uneducated 18 year old to take a huge loan and ask them to clear it or ask rest of the society to take burden of it.
“You have infinite capacity for love” - Profound statement,❤
My Dad never said it, but he definitely showed it, and that’s what matters.
"I get misty-eyed at marriages as much as anybody, and not just for future business purposes." - Glad he clarified that.
I has a delicate sense of humor 😅
😂
I wanna know what percentage of SECOND marriages end in divorce!
@@MatthewElvey 60 to 70%
50 % or more. I want the stats on 3-4th marriages.
"What is the problem to which marriage is the solution? And do I have that problem? And will it solve that problem?" James is seriously better than 99% of marriage counselors out there
I was laid off twice in my late 20s; stressed me out. I was also divorced by 30 because he cheated with his coworker. I was jobless, poor, and was a new divorcee on my 30th birthday. I prayed about it day and night. The conclusion was to find a dependable job with reliable pension and stick with it. I found that job when I was 32. I stuck with it for 25 years before retirement. I never found another man I felt secure enough to marry again (dated but no marriage). I was bored to death a couple of times in that 25 years and looked for alternate or way out but ended up grinding my teeth to stay. I can honestly say that I appreciate my job and what it provided. I never had to depend on a partner to pay bills. I had and have freedom because of the stability of that job and income and savings. I never have a long term relationship except that 25 years working at that job.
I understand what you are saying, but you sound very sad and are living through fear. There is no special one person, but open up and enjoy your life and whatever relationships come and go. Be free
You are right about the sadness in my words. I felt sadness looking at my past 30 years; the choices I made. I was never a romantic person. Unfortunately, very few men like rationally minded female. I unfortunately never met that man who’d appreciate my personality. I think, to make a decision to tie oneself to another person takes courage and a bit of madness/fancy. I had indeed fell for a couple of SOs after divorce. However, it wasn’t mutual. After 50, I settled for being single for the rest of my life. I am open for relationships but I don’t seek them. I am willing to trade my resources for a companionship but I am not foolish enough to step into it recklessly.
This no good when you exchange feelings for job and if you compare personal life with good job it means that you have found a substitute . You have escaped from life and into work.
Wasted 25 years. No legacy to leave behind to hold on to the imagery of your existence. Also through marriage and kids good deeds are created.
Even as a single person who has never been married, I found this interview so interesting and insightful. James is a brilliant guest.
same. i've been single all my life. been battling severe poverty in my youth living in homeless shelters, struggling just to get to school, having to deal with a single parent that's mentally ill, later on i've had to deal with very abusive and toxic workplaces, to developing 2 chronic illnesses into my 30s, and still dealing with them in my 50's and losing the single parent and friend i had my entire life. i watch this video for entertainment value, because i know, i guarantee, i will never experience any of this. and thank goodness. this level of stress would end me. he gets so emotional...is it because of money loss? its clearly not because she was cheating on him. the word love is thrown around for some reason.
Don’t let it discourage you to find a life partner. The goal of life is to pass down the genes to the next generation. The purpose of marriage is to ensure that children have a stable home and family so they can grow up to be positive forces in a society. Don’t let the cynicism or selfishness of others deter you from having a beautiful family with kids.
Before I got married my parents told me if I did not get a prenuptial agreement they would take me out of their will. It took the pressure off me. I am so glad they insisted.
That's how I know that you're a son. No matter how rich a woman is and how poor a man, the woman ALWAYS wins in any divorce suit. Divorce is designed to appease women and girls.
Nope. My ex was an accountant. Stole $ from me for 10yrs before divorce. He loved $ not me. Sad.
@@Planeet-Longyup..and that's why I say F western values
That is toxic as hell
@@melissabryant2251you example does not negate the post you are responding to. You ex. Took the money and probably hid it before the proceedings. Regardless, a bummer that happened
The part about love and loss hit me pretty hard, but in a sense of a reminder of why I'm doing the things I'm doing now.
Before I left my parents place we adopted 3 doggos; 1 planned and 2 unplanned but we love them all so much. Ever since I moved out when they were 2 years old I'm making an effort to see not only them twice a week, but my parents as well.
This year was a reminder for me that my parents are getting old, my mom broke her arm in a fall and she is progressively becoming more clumsy. Every time she has one of those "small" accidents I worry about living 25 minutes away from them and I when I feel lazy or tired and I don't wanna drive there and I opt to stay that's where this conversation hit me.
What James said helped me to remind myself that I have a limited amount of Mondays that I get to see them and that I should just be more organized and enjoy my time there as much as I can.
“Money talks and wealth listens” excellent line
This guy never fails to be a remarkable guest on any podcast. His dialogue and insights are thoughtful, poignant and colorful.
There's more? I'm finding it all. This guy knows what's up
He's missing a crucial factor in couplings...
YIN YANG
@@007nadineL No he isnot. Those who marry do have yin yang, but life changes, new people come into the scene, people have problems, drinking, gambling, sexual dysfuntion...
@@nt4081exactly
Yeah, he had a great interview on a the Financial Diet with Chelsea too
One thing is certain: we all die one day. But if you have someone to comfort you, to hold your hand and you can be there for them. "What a worthy pursuit!"
That is something to remember.
That's an emotional way to think about life and death. Either way, we came to the world alone and will leave alone. That's more factual.
Or you can have someone who doesn’t know how to behave in public sneering, being controlling, and low voice yelling at you while you’re trying to enjoy yourself; so you have to pinch the skin on the back of their arm until they behave.
@@Tunsmandieeww a pessimist. Eugh brother eugh 😂. It's not too emotional, it's purpose. Love like many things can carry us through life. You know the points between birth in death. Also to put the nail in that coffin of your born alone and die alone. Most people are usually born to a loving mother. And if you're lucky, die with those you love or protecting them. 🤠
@@MatthewHanson1Cut the shit with your fairytale...what he said is true
@@FindTheTRUTH337Your picking skills are bad...
This man is such a superb communicator. He could do marriage counseling on the side:)
I think this guy is so special because he is so profoundly expressive in his speech, that he essentially blurs the line between a therapist and an attorney. He’s really something.
“Whoever discovered water, it wasn’t a fish.” This guy drops so many little quotes and insights from his experience that rly make this a great conversation. Incredibly smart, witty, and grounded.
reminds me of "This is Water" by david foster wallace
“It’s a game we can’t win and we just keep playing it.” Cheers to all of us who keep playing may your heart never grow weary.
🎯
I feel we win when both are happy together and push through all struggles together.
@@CNGSanetaRose so true. Winning is not a destination. That's just a wrong assumption people make. Winning, like happiness, is in the journey.
This the the best and most honest conversation I’ve heard about divorce and marriage
Selfishness. When one of the partners start to only focus on themself, what their needs are. They loose focus of their couple goals and consideration of the other person in the relationship
“True love is when it’s not even sacrificing to give.” Beautiful.
"Money talks, but Wealth whispers." Brilliant!! The most profound interview I've heard in awhile. Eyes wide opened.🙏🏼
That's been a saying for a while. I personally didn't hear any brilliance from him. He's just mildly entertaining; I can't take him seriously.
What does that mean?
@@Lydynthmnsuch a dumb saying too. Cope by poor people.
I wish nothing but love, happiness and peace to James - seems like a good guy who’s seen people at their absolute worst
James Sexton is part of the reason I decided to go to law school
Why have I never seen this guy before? He is one of the most wise people I've ever heard.
I first saw him on "Soft White Underbelly." Highly recommended!👍
You should watch his video on Soft White Underbelly. It's just as profound!
Of course he is he wants your money
@@SheenaRea me too
yes i thought iam i only finding him wise😆 he is really gem and i loved his cultural outlook towards life
Married 20+ years, and I still love her. Marriage is beautiful. It's not always easy, but it's worth it.
Relationships can be beautiful.
Whatever legal status is imposed on them does not matter
@@jezalb2710 👍
Exactly.
Well I did it twice - marriage is fantastic if you can have a good one, but the chances of that nowadays are slim. The way society is today is not conducive to a marriage lasting…..
@@rufdymond Dating apps and social media has allowed people to cast a much wider net on potential mates. The better more perfect one is just around the corner...
Statistically its like walking up to a roulette wheel and picking one number and winning on the first spin. Just because you won doesn't mean that gambling is a good idea.
Great podcast, thank you, I was terrified of getting married, but one morning I woke up and just realized I was ready, I'm thankful that my now husband understood my feelings and never pushed the subject.
I want to put a warning out to all those who stumble on this amazing episode and are about to listen to it during the work day; wait until after work. It's so full of wisdom, but also it'll bring you to tears if you've ever loved a dog. I've had to cancel a meeting because I'm a mess rn. What an incredible 2 hours.
Yes, totally agree!
My dog turns 16 next month and I wouldn't trade him for any puppy in the world. He hit the nail on the head. I love this little guy more and more every day.
Im in a cafe and now crying
He’s articulate, animated and a great story teller.
This is hard conmen to right because genuinely this guy is absolutely brilliant and has many gems of knowledge.. but one thing he hasn’t figured out is that a lot of the time saturating yourself into your work and career and not developing your own partner connection because you are too caught up in your career is the reason so many successful people don’t actually have good chemistry and connection with there partners.. take a fucking step back for a second and put some energy into your partner
Is this man a trained journalist? How come he interviews better than all the journalists out there? He lets his guests get their full points across with no interruptions. I can't believe I watched the whole interview
He’s a lawyer. They’re used to arguing cases.
He let's them COOKKK.
@@NegritaBrujita I believe he is talking about the interviewer, the guy who has this podcast...
A trained journalist wants to dig for controversy & appear intelligent. Whereas non-journalists are actually interested in listening and learning.
He can’t be trained.
I think it has some cuts. Most podcasts do, but still, he's really good at keeping a conversation\interview going
1:28.55 This really got me. Having had 3 Dobermans, I just adopted my 4th Doberman puppy. He is such a great dog. Knowing his life span, I'm drinking in everything about him. Training him, walking him, playing with him, playing with his paws, listening to him breathing or chasing rabbits in his dreams.
James is right. It's all so finite.
I just found out that a guy I love has passed on, it fills up my heart with grief, my eyes with tears.
Though we broke up a long time ago he left a lifelong impression on me.
How long a loved one has is unknown. Sure, it can be predicted within years or months or weeks. The exact moment of passing on is impossible to know.
People have sometimes labeled me as clingy because I express my love & care for others often. I will own it if it means that I express my love for them at most opportunities in my words, deeds, actions.
Better to express love than to regret having held back.
Mostly, I'm a free spirit, living life on my own terms, seizing the day with the only man I want in my life, my Doberman.
this combo is sick.. both of them so calm, respectful and well spoken
I divorced after 13 years of marriage. To be sincere, at the bottomless pit of every failed marriage is dishonest communication. If we can be 100% open and create an environment for that to continue without judgements, many marriages will be saved.This is pure enlightenment. Thank you.
If you're honest as a man, most of the time you won't even get a first date, let alone a marriage.
You don’t have to be honest, after getting divorce you have no privacy. It’s ok to not share all of your personal information with anyone I believe
Failed marriages come from men who don't keep their wedding vows. You said "till death do us part". But I guess communication issues counts as death.
Communication is terrible at best but absolutely essential for relationships to be healthy and survive the test of time
All this talk about communication but what exactly does it involve? How is it measured? When can one know that it’s effective or successful communication?
It feels like you can do absolutely everything right in a relationship and there's still a chance that your spouse will betray you and cheat on you. It's terrifying.
It’s true. The older I get, the more I see it happen. It seems nearly all marriages have infidelity at some point and they ether are unaware, they stay together, or they divorce. It’s actually human nature to stray from that which is safe and familiar to something new and therefore exciting. Even more cheating happens during dating. It’s just a part of life unfortunately.
The chance decreases when you have God at the centre of the relationship.
@@fruitsarelife7073 I've started to feel this way too. But it's hard to find a Christian woman who doesn't want children
You can decrease the risk substantially if you select for agreeable personality traits instead of the 15 other things that evolution made you want because it maximizes our ancestors reproductive success (the only thing evolution “cares” about.)
What exactally does it mean to have God at the center of your relationship?
This guy definitely understands how to present himself in a likable way. He employed the classic stalling techniques when asked about the first time he experienced true love - running through the calculus in his head of who (in his life) would watch this and how they would feel about his response. He's a charmer, speaks well, and speaks about love, but whoever bore his children was never mentioned, and I bet she has a different perspective. There's what you say, and then there's what you do.
In another interview he admits I wasn’t a good husband but I’m a great ex husband i.e. him and is wife are still friends. He admits wasn’t good husband material!
He admitted it himself. He's a great divorce attorney but bad as a human being.
He's spoken about his ex wife in other podcasts. He only has wonderful things to say about her. He described them as best friends.
He’s a smooth operator and a good actor.. his dark triad meter is off the charts, but hey he probably wouldn’t be a helluva lawyer like he is, if it wasn’t so
Outstanding Interview. Been married 38 years, no issues, 3 kids, 7 grand kids...we are super great lovers and friends....yet this interview was just super compelling. For those in need, I will recommend they watch this....one if the best interviews ever on any subject. World class
I cried like a baby listening to this. Cannot believe I learned so much from a divorce lawyer. Thank you for bringing in him for this discussion.
I love listening to him. (There are other interviews of his on u tube).
Me tooooo! So DEEP and so TRUE!
SAME! ❤
As a man, I can say nothing about this made me want to cry .. that is bizarre to me.
@@edwardk3 This should help you understand Edward. Ready? ----> Not everybody on the planet is the same as you.
"My beliefs don't require that you believe them" is one of the best things I've heard recently so much so that it puts so many things into perspective. Thank you!
And sadly he also had to acknowledge the fact that, "your beliefs may require that I believe them..."
I haven’t gotten there yet in the episode but it’s so true! It makes me so sad a lot of people cannot talk to someone that disagrees with them. My dad is very liberal and my mom is very conservative, I’m so happy I grew up getting to hear both.
My husband and I don’t always agree on politics or religion. But we both find each other really smart and genuinely love hearing how the other one thinks, even if we think about the topic in a different way. I’ve never felt judged for my beliefs with him. I’ve never judged him for his beliefs. I love hearing a new, well thought out perspective from my husband. It’d be so boring if we thought the same way about everything.
@@Olivia-bl8ez It’s so true but I haven’t found many people in my life who can be so secure in their skin and beliefs that they can hear what others have to say without getting offended over it.
So happy you two found each other and can be your true selves around each other.
@@imnotdavidxnsx Yes at times but not always. I categorise my beliefs and my personal beliefs don’t require validation from others but my social beliefs might because I would to find people who believe in the same things as I do.
@@zunairaakbar1214 hopefully your young and your friends can grow into it. Or maybe you can be the catalyst. I’m sure your friends are great but maybe keep your eye out for more open minded friends too lol. Most people are not to the extreme with things, just gotta find them. Best of luck ❤️
"I am a great lawyer, but questionable as a human being." was brutal honesty.
Marriage serves the purpose of building a family unit where you are committed to each other and your children. It's a support system that continues to grow through children and their marriages.
Correct. By corollary, without the prospect of a family marriage serves no purpose.
“…support…children and their marriages” is one cause of breakups.
It's an incredible feeling to love, but the hurt from losing that love can ruin you.
word!
And this can be true whether or not you signed a marriage contract. If a long, monogramous relationship that meant something ends.
@nirradical? That's exactly when a person gains the opportunity to learn how to "turn their pain into purpose". Never allow a broken heart to destroy you. Take that pain and use it as the "fuel" to achieve great successes in your future. ❤
Welcome to life without a fence.
💯
Been married for over 40 years. Thoroughly enjoy being in love with my husband. We both work on being the best version of ourselves, physically, mentally and emotionally and never take one and other for granted.
Thats amazing. Did you ever have doubts about him or were you two ever close to divorcing?
This is some of the best advice for a marriage , your comment here.. Very wise
Very true🙏🙏🙏
@@blueburdie6953 those doubts are more a modern day thing where social media/dating apps give you more options. Thinking that you can do better. That wasnt around 40 years ago
This is excellent. Show up as your best self. If you fail, try again. This reminds of something I once heard, "Never compare yourself to others, only compare yourself to who you were yesterday." ❤
How important is sex when you over 60? I imagine the priority drops a lot compared to under 50.
You don't have to lose anything. You're winning all the time. Perpetually.
Every day you live, you win. You win the experiences with your dogs, with your family and the people you love. You win each sunset and sunrise. You win continuously.
Remember you'll keep winning until you die. But when you die, you won't be able to care that you'll no longer win again.
You can win until you die. And you never have to lose anything. The only thing you really lose while you're alive is the chance to win in certain ways repeatedly and endlessly.
But there will always be new experiences to win.
You can also lose when you forget the wins of today and focus on the loss of yesterday.
Focus on the wins and you'll never lose.
Divorcing with kids is showing your kids giving up when things get hard. My parents had so many tough times they had me as teenagers but still together to this day. That determination and effort to work things out is so beautiful... Whenever my husband and i work things out i am greatful i met a like-minded human being. I feel like i can trust him with everything in my being.
I'll never forget in 2007 my boyfriend of 2 yrs at the time got into some legal/family trouble. When we returned from a vacation we headed to his parents house. At one point his parents asked me, "Why are you with him when he did this" (it was a minor legal infraction (weed). I looked at them across the table and listed 10 great qualities in their son and the last thing I said was "and... I love your son; through good and bad/thick and thin... no matter what." Their rebuttal was, "And what would your father think of this?" And I laughed and laughed and I said, "He would laugh... if you don't believe me call him up and ask him" We are still together... 18+ yrs and still going. ❤❤ I have no plans of ever finding another because no one can compare to him. ❤
sounds like you love him more than his freaking father.
That's beautiful 💚
That was absolutely beautiful. Hang on to each other because that type of love is extremely rare in our materialistic society.
Thanks for sharing this was heart warming
@@marleeravenscroft7848truths! 😢. It’s a shallow world!!🌎.
It can be his personality. I married someone who was less attractive, older, but who loved me unconditionally. I am so glad I did.
I too and I would always marry my loving darling :-) . His love is the biggest gift in my life.
Same with me. I’m loved forever.
I didn't marry, but was with my partner for 28 years. He was 23 years older, no oil painting and for those thinking gold digger, he was bankrupt.
I’ve watched so many episodes of your channel and almost always walk away with more wisdom then whenever I first clicked play, but this episode just really hit me, to the point of moving me to tears 3 separate times. It’s my favorite episode you’ve done and completely defied my expectations of what it was going to be. This man, even if you disagree with what he does for a living, is an absolute gem. His wisdom and perspective on life, love and happiness is insightful and inspiring. Thank you for all that you do and thank you for having him on the show.
So many good one liners from this man. "Intelligence is hard to define, but I can spot stupid a mile away". Priceless.
The best part of this interview is James talking about His dogs and the love of his pets. The love of his mother. Speaking about hearing her voice again for the first time after she past 8 years ago. How his dad pulled out an old video and them hearing her familiar voice. His perspective of love. Very beautiful outlook. How we forget how important it is to love someone or our pets. How heartbreaking it is for us but having the joy of them makes us feel alive, how important it really is to have love.
I was sobbing at work through that section of the interview. 🤦🏻♀️
Lawyers know how to tug at your emotional strings
My ex-husband had an airtight prenup. I signed it because i loved him and our chances for the future.
He was more than generous in our divorce. I will always be grateful to him for that and so much more.
you loved him and your chances for the future; what happened, are you happier because the marriage failed, and he was generous in the divorce, you rather just be grateful for the generosity rather than stay together?
Yet you still divorced him? Wtf
you can have appreciation without hostal emotions , does not mean the emotional ties worked , smart loving lady All the Best to you
Men pay child support and alimony more than if it was court ordered according to a research.
@@slayer7682 Just a suggestion. Is it possible that you openly attack cases of peaceful divorce cos you believe in Disney type marriages only and want to punish anyone who dares to break it for you?
OMG. This is so much more than what I thought a divorce lawyer could have delivered. I had to wipe my tears for a few times, especially the answer to the last question. Very touching. Thank you!
This is more then you thought a divorce lawyer could deliver? Wow you are around so much fake stuff.
"It’s so brave to love”! I admire him for more than just his profession as a divorce lawyer; his vulnerability, eloquence, and everything else about him are inspiring. I’m grateful I listened to this episode. Thank you, Mr. James Sexton, for sharing your insights. It's truly thought-provoking to reflect on the essence of love. Thank you, DOAC, for featuring such an exceptional individual and topic.
Marriage is what holds two people together while they fall in and out of love. One of your best podcasts yet!
nah only men hold two people together 😏 Women are the ones filing for divorces
Are you committed or not? You need a paper to keep you together maybe shouldn't be
Sounds like a prison? Why would you need to a paper or government license to hold two people together especially if one party is unwilling?
Why do you need to hold 2 people together when they fall out of love?
By love, do you mean the butterflies of the first couple of months? Or is it something more? If it's the latter then you're not supposed to fall out of love, but understand that with time love changes, and stay there regardless of the change. But if you fall out of love? Why stay?
Inpulsive people will act impulsively in most cases, thinking people will think it thoroughly either way. It's about the kind of person you and your partner are, and the importance of thr relationship to you, not some paper that says you are together..
@@Rev3rence I think you answered your own question, "with time love changes". What I meant by the quote is that a marriage contract gives you pause to stop, think, and work on what you have had together. It gives more incentive to do this. Without it, impulse is much more likely. This does not mean it's a prison or you can never get a divorce. Another thing, just to mention, marriage gives you the right to make medical decisions for your partner, should you need to; plus property rights.
I love how he stepped back and addressed the term "gold digger", which is used to shame women. Men say "of course an older man with a fortune is entitled to a young woman", well that woman offers service with value in the dating marketplace, why is she always expected to give everything for free. Add to that, her "value" in the marketplace supposedly depreciates with time. Again, why should she give her best years to some old dude for free? If the roles were reversed the men would say "it's only logical" and anyone giving resources up for free is an "emotional loser."
@@12xenn45 yes... and? These men go into the relationship for her kind heart you think? They'd feel butterflies if she was 200 lbs and 55 but had a sweet personality?
Look, men don't like "gold diggers" because these women think logically and act like men's equals, expecting compensation for what they bring to the table.
Men expecting everything from women for nothing is a big problem in todays society. They would not settle for such terms themselves but expect the women to do so. Most likely think of women as "emotional" and "inferior" because they have been able to manipulate the majority consistently into giving up resources for free using lies.
Gold digger men exist too.
Imagine if we could marry away and if it doesn’t work we win the lottery.
@@12xenn45it's a transaction
The court system is terrible and now men know this. So now they don’t marry. Because they know they will get cleaned out. lol. Call it what you want. Suckers no more. Here a thought. Humans aren’t biologically meant to be married and “death do you part” wasn’t for 40,50,60,70 years. Why you say. Because humans used to die very young. Peace out.
The grass is not always greener on the other side. It's usually astro turf. Look after your own garden and stay contented with the life you have x
I could watch this podcast over and over again.
I look at a pre-nup differently now. When you look at it from a self-less point of view, as you would life insurance, I get it now.
I didn’t think anyone would or could understand why I cry internally every year on my daughter’s birthday, or any milestone moments, because her old self is no longer. I will never get to experience her at newborn or 4 or ever again (she’s 7 now). I lose her everyday BUT, I’m introduced to a new gift of her every single everyday/year/milestone.
Lastly, I didn’t know that I have an infinite capacity to love.. I didn’t know this. And it’s true. I do.
Thank you so much for this.
As we age, companionship becomes more important than sex. Compatible sharing of interests is key. And mutual respect. Love is the wish for others to be happy. Our culture has become a grab bag of me me me. Sadly.
Nope. We don't want laydees in our lives any more.
Porn has a lot to do with it.
"As we age, companionship becomes more important than sex."
Why do so many men then resort to pr0n? Like in honesty, this is deal breaker for so many women.
That is the BEST definition of love I have ever seen!!
👏👏👏
Not if you've been in a sex starved marriage
Perfect marriages or relationships don't really exist; each one is special. What works for one person might not work for another. But I've come to realize that there's always a solution to every problem. Five years back, my wife and I were close to getting divorced because of issues in our marriage, but we found a way to make things right. It was hard, but we got through it.
I truly understand the importance of your words, and I genuinely want to find happiness too. I'm in a relationship, and even though we're apart at the moment, I can't imagine my life without her; my love for her is big. I really want her to return, and I'm fully committed to making it happen. We've tried different ways, like therapy, to mend things
Saying farewell to someone you love dearly is never easy, but in my case, I had the assistance of a spiritual counselor who saved my marriage from falling apart. Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters.
I'm thankful for this guidance. I'll immediately start searching for her online. I appreciate it. I'm hopeful that adopting this strategy will also bring about positive changes for me; I miss her deeply.
You definitely should
@@Newtonwilson-yw4kgsounds like white magic 🥴
Extremely intelligent guy. It seems that we are obssessed about the IDEA of being in love, but we are not really learning to love. There is an illusion that hapiness comes from the proposal, the ring, the party, the dress, the appearences... Those are only distractions. Marry (or live with) someone with similar goals and who you really like to talk to. I'm getting old and I have the happiest marriage I have ever known. We don't have social media, we didn't make a party and we don't even wear a ring. Only after ten years of living togheter we privately made the legal documents. The only thing I fear is the day that one of us will die. A long and happy relationship doesn't happen without a conscient effort. He is right about being protective of your marriage, communicating and not taking it for granted.
I've listened to this twice!! It is by far the most interesting, relatable and refreshing interviews I've heard. The way James makes very complex structures so easy to understand is just inspiring. WOW
As a doctor, I hear stories from patients all the time. Cheating is one of them. STI testing is huge.
Where's the fun in cheating on your spouse and you get an STI and then give it to your spouse. Cheating is playing Russian Roulette with your health and your spouse's health.
My R.N. Sister knew my husband was cheating when he absolutely insisted on silver nitrate drops in our newborn’s eyes
Now HERE is a man who truly knows how precious life and love IS...
The same man who calls himself a weapon and a chainsaw because he has broken up marriages and hurt so many people it drove many of them to süicide, he has some useful information but don’t embellish him.
does he tho? He's a lawyer.
“White teeth on rotten gums” - I look back on my marriage as beautiful icing on top of a cake writhing with maggots. While in it I didn’t know, my ex hid so much of who he was. after years of being with him it had taken its toll on me and I couldn’t understand why, what was wrong with me, why was I so unhappy , why was everything going wrong, at the same time he left me love notes and things like that. I was living in total cognitive dissonance and could not see it. My health was deteriorating. Thankfully he was done with me by that point and found his replacement. Although the divorce almost finished me off, I am so so grateful it happened. It saved my life and over time I worked out who he was, how little boundaries I had and why I was with him and refused to see the reality of it all. I’ve dated since, but haven’t been able to have a long term relationship. I won’t put up with any bad treatment anymore. I’m happier on my own.
You cant Seem to figure out how to have a long term relationship and blame the men? Maybe he was just like other men? Maybe it was something you did or didn’t do that triggered his behaviour? Did you have a divine textbook you both followed? Same creed? Same religion? Etc. you need to be on the same path of integrity to make it work.
The love of money can and will distroy any marage .in time and age if one doesn't have God at the center of their marriage it will fail. We all to be honest with each other
What a phenomenal discussion. I was so moved by the truth and scope of his
Wisdom and ability to share in this discussion. My absoulute favorite
I thought, "I'm not going to enjoy this talk about cheating and divorces"... OMG! This has nothing to do with that (well, it does, obviously). There's SO much more to this conversation! So much empathy, so much love and care... I've loved every single second. Plus, his communication skills are superb. Thanks!! ❤
My ex-husband definitely had a 'maid with sexual privileges'. Getting a divorce was the biggest gift I ever gave myself. The thought of getting remarried makes my stomach turn.
I often argue with my wife because I like to cook, really. And do household stuff while listening to podcasts. It's like meditation. But she doesn't like it because she thinks it's her duty. I even cook better than her, honestly. So there we go. Not everyone is the same.
My first marriage was like that as well. My second is fantastic. A true partnership where together we can do and accomplish way more than as individuals and we enjoy adventures together. It’s not perfect but the good far outweighs the bad. Was 9 years between my separation of my first wife to my 2nd marriage.
Please stay single. Dont ruin another mans life. Uve done enough
@ChispinRodz Exactly! Well said.
@@DavidKaiser-ox8hd"she doesnt like it because she believes its her duty" Society teaches women that this is what they are supposed to do. To take care of others. It can be hard to go in against this programming and to take better care of yourself and accept help. She might also be scared to loose you if she doesnt do things for you. You sound like a great husband shes a lucky woman.
I will never forget what Grace Jones once said. I think it was sound. She said marriage contracts should last 5 years. At the end of five years, decide if you want to renew or not. There would be less divorce and ppl losing funds. Smart…
Well, after having been married & divorced twice - yeah, stay single & get a life. My 1st husband left me with a two year old son for a married woman who was still married & had a house that wasn't her husband's. My 2nd husband & I divorced & it was actually the best thing of my life. Both exhusband's are now deceased.
how'd you manage the final bit? 😆
I bet you have never had someone on your podcast whose thoughts rolled of their tongue as quickly as his did. He is truly an expert. Excellent podcast. So authentic. So down to earth.
WORD. His analogy game is god-tier! I'd be terrified to be opposing counsel.
Even faster at 2x the speed lol
Well, no, he’s just rehearsed everything a lot. If you listen to him in other interviews you’ll see.
@@okayrachelmae I see your point. I have never heard him before. Thank you for letting me know.
@@judy-annmcneill1037 anyone who is interviewed a lot - Jordan Peterson et al you will notice they say the same things, sometimes in a different way over and over again. If one thinks about it, it's only to be expected if they are interviewed so many times. I don't mind if they say the same things because often there is so much wisdom that we need to listen to them repeatedly to take it all in.
This guy is the ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP prophet! He’s a lawyer, psychologist, and counselor 😮
Who is also divorced! Prophet my behind!
@@mbach003he’s human!!!
@Zazezoo def not a prophet and not qualified to give relationship advice fs
All good lawyers experienced law is a small part it people negotiate understanding people and getting ahead of the game 😊
@@mbach003you have to go through things and experience it to be qualified to talk about it and advised. I wouldn't want someone advising me about marriage if they haven't gone through it. I wouldn't want a virgin to advice me about marriage.
This is by far the best interview I have seen on your channel. I have heard James speak before and appreciated his insight and wisdom. In this video he shows a side I haven’t seen. I was literally sobbing when he spoke about love and he described the human spirit being brave enough to be hurt again knowing how beautiful it is. Magical interview. Well done. Will be sharing this one with those closest to me. Brilliant episode. 🙏🏻♥️🙏🏻
As a divorce mediator who has worked wiith Jim, I can say that he Is, in practice, exactly as he seems...sincere, kind, smart and integritous. I agree with every word he says!
I think we IDEALIZE someone and get tunnel vision. Then the honeymoon phase fizzles out and see the reality and flaws. Love is valuable, but so is empathy. The secret to a long relationship is not love….it’s empathy. That’s the truth. ✌️💫✨
I try to wake these men up! I’m like listen up! I’m flawed and you are so show me your bad side! Let start there! 😂😂. It’s not working out for me as they hide it. I want to show mine. That scared some off! Too much trauma but I’m working hard to fix it
I don't think we idealize that other person. I think we fantasize about them meeting our desires and needs. We get caught in getting to that destination without really fully knowing who we're on that journey with.
@@maggieobrien3354this, we fall in love with the idea of them. Then when we see the real them and they aren’t living up to our imaginary standards of who we think they are the problems start. It’s even worse as you get older and start to change (because we all do in some way). The picture we have in our head doesn’t fit this “new” person and instead of understanding where the changes come from we fight and try to claw the person back wether we actually liked them or not. Every year I ask my husband what kind of cake he would like for his birthday. I know he likes a certain kind but tastes change and he might have had a new flavor he now prefers over what I had gotten him before. A good example his mom made him a lemon cake every year for his birthday because she was convinced it was his favorite (which it had been in childhood). He told me his favorite was chocolate. So I got him a chocolate cake. It was a few more years in and I finally told his mom his current favorite and she was shocked. Why? Because he was no longer fitting the image she had of him in her head.
We have to give each other space to grow and learn how to rediscover each other as we age. If we don’t then after 20 years you’re siting in a house with a stranger because you didn’t take the time to see them for who they are only who they were.
You’re 100% correct. Empathy is the doorway to fixing many problems. It’s the antidote to criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt (the 4 horsemen of relationships). Humans are complicated, we tend to get lost and drown in negative emotions..when those negative emotions linger too long it causes dissonance between two people who love each other and convinces them that they don’t.
EMPATHY, my friends..it’s hard but it is a choice ❤
I have to respectfully disagree. At least in my marriage I didn't idealize I truly believed he was whom he pretended to be for 5 years before we married. Together 3yrs before engagement married 2 yrs after that. It was absolutely wonderful. We talked about everything and made all kinds of decisions and plans about what we wanted our marriage to be. Within months after the wedding I didn't recognize him or his behavior, so in the tradition we'd established I tried talking lovingly to him about it. I was flabbergasted when he admitted he said all of those prior things to convince me to marry him, But now that we're married I have to accept him for who he truly is. I said but if you're not the person I fell in love with why would you think it's ok to be someone totally different. He tried convincing me he didn't mean it the way it came out and i guess I rationalized how he could be wonderful for 5 years, maybe he was just stressed. I definitely had the newlywed blues and doubted myself. So I developed OCD trying to constantly make sure everything was perfect at home, that I was doing everything right exactly as we'd agreed it would be. The perfect working wife. Slowly it became evident that standards, boundaries, requirements, only applied to me but as the man of the home he could do whatever he wanted. I met countless versions of him most frequently, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I was always off balance, traumatized, exhausted and criticized. 21.5 years later, kids are gone I can't do the tornado any longer
This had me sobbing. 😢 My dog is now 12.5, totally blind and deaf. I empathise so much with everything he said. I dread losing my boy. When my last dog died I said "never again" and here I am knowing I'm going to have my heart broken again. 💔
I'm so sorry. 😢💔 Sending hugs, love and light to you. Keep loving on animals though; they need us ❤❤
That is why, after my last dog was gone , I made the decision NEVER to get another....
Its okay ... animals are here to touch our spirit for a short time, death is inevitable... cherish the moments and be greatful.. nothing wrong with getting a new pet thats how the experience goes.. ❤❤❤
You are supposed to always have a younger dog by the time the other is older.. issue solved
@dertythegrower dirty I find u everywhere man, it's just not cannabis related this time 😂
This is by far the most profound episode I've watched. The analogies were funny and more than applicable. After having gone through a nasty divorce, I've often told myself I'd never get married again (it's been 15 years) and now that my kiddos are grown I find myself wanting a person to share my life with again. Definitely great advice and now I don't feel bad for wanting a prenup.
How can such a softie and poet be a divorce lawyer!