Depending on what it is, you can still get into serious trouble if you reveal certain things to your therapist. You hypothetically have more legal safety with your lawyer than your therapist.
@@GrubKiller436 Yes, you need to lie to your therapist until you know you can trust them. And that may be never. They will take what you say and report you and it could be groundless.
That's funny, the longer I work as a lawyer the more I get surprised how stupid people are with withholding essential information from me when all I do is try to help them
I texted my fiancé to tell her I love her and I can’t wait to marry her while watching this video. She said it made her day. Take from this video whatever you want, wisdom is wisdom
It is not strange at all. It’s honestly the most obvious thing. You only understand the concept of things when you have seen the worst. You then begin to understand the underlying fundamentals to get through it.
“I don’t envy people being married for a long time because that’s not the goal. The goal is to be HAPPILY married.” So true. I wasn’t expecting to listen for an entire hour but he is charismatic, informative, and honest ❤
I completely agree. Whenever people just blindly applaud couples who have been married forever, I kinda don’t get it. They could be in a horrible relationship. It’s really not the quantity of years but the quality
I was with my husband for 16 years and lost him to a stroke at 44, BUT we were separated for 6 years before he passed. This is the most honest, funny, interesting, educational, real thing I have seen about marriage in my 55 years!
@@stella-vu8vh Because there's no one else to talk to. In marriage, you're expected to bring all your vents and frustrations to your significant other but when you do, they take it personally even though you were just trying to work through your emotions to figure out where they were coming from and how to move past them. This is why he's spot on that no single other person can be the 'everything' to another. Sometimes, you just need to vent in order to figure out how you truly feel about something but if you only have the subject of the venting to vent to, too many negative emotions start to entangle into everything and it can become near impossible to disentangle.
Not every woman is like tjis just so you know. I continued to do sweet things for him.. small gifts, notes, kindness.. as he did less and less. It broke my heart. It was not even about material things.. just sleep next to me or hold my hand, but no. He slept on the couch, would not hold my hand.. oh well
Incredible conversation. We all just got $500-1000/hr. worth of advice for free. One of the best things you can do for marital health is listen to guys like this. It’s just as important to know how marriages turn bad as how they stay strong.
Recently married at 20.. so incredibly insightful and i feel so lucky to have come across this video when i did. I could listen to you talk for hours and wish you had a podcast or a show! The things you said about social media in this video has really resonated with me given the fact that i am a young married woman, and because of the damage that social media could do in a relationship, we both have decided not to have those apps, and we have been together for 4 years. Nothing like comparison will really affect a perfectly fine relationship. 3 years social media free and till this day i believe everything you see is definitely just during their biggest hits. When you said it’s the little things, i’ve had about 6 things i could think of that my husband does for me consistently that i sometimes take for granted and don’t realize how important it has been for our relationship. Im so thankful for this interview and i truly hope to see more of you wether you start writing books or doing more interviews!
Why white rich men are so ignorant about other people culture and religion? In Saudi, we have high increase divorce last ten years! In Islam we don't have this nonsense about marriage like Catholic marriage or Alimony!
@dougb4956 Those 4 qualities are very different though&often mutually exclusive tbh. Educated and successful do not even sit in the same category as intelligence, which largely refers to emotional and social intelligence, which is often ironically lacking amongst those in highest levels of education or ‘success’. Success through money doesn’t lead to buying class, personality emotional intelligence or what i would consider the true things that make u rich- loved ones who care about u and good health! Just my random thoughts
I don't know when was the last time I saw such a vibrant and energetic combination of teaching, consulting, coaching and stand-up comedy. Thanks Mark for this one. This man got me back on my feet after so many sex offenders and victims, addicts, prostitutes and all the other poor and broken people I met through your videos. A necessary counterbalance. Excellent!
I had to click right away when i saw how different the one getting interviewed in the video. such a fresh story, something different but still hits home
@@TheRoseAnthology I agree completely. Most of Mark's videos are like training for empathy with the working title "Faith - saddle on the horse of life between good and evil". This video is like a bottle of cold clear water handed to you by a nice waiter while saying "Brain!...come on!...turn your head on!"
I love this guy from the first sentence to the last!! Complete honesty, truth and pretty damn accurate. Observation is spot on. People don't need therapy, they need you!!
@@timhensley3695 Thank you for sharing. I think we all need a reality check. My eyes have been wide open since I was six years old when I saw what marriage meant. The best thing I ever decided was to stay single.
Ugh that man’s poor wife. She shared her life with the man she thought would be there for her always. Oh that breaks my heart to pieces. He’ll regret it when he realizes he threw away the best thing in his life. Loyalty and Love. 😢 This is why I hesitate to fully love. I’m better off riding the line rather than making the step over and risking my heart. I’m such a romantic but it’s hard to believe in true love anymore. I’ll stick to my rescue dogs. Always loyal and unconditional love.
i wonder how many people actually loved each other, or got married for other reasons like societal expectations (have to be married by x age, otherwise people will think i'm x,y,z so i'll just settle down with this person) or finances (if we get married we'll pay less taxes). or how many marriages are actually deeply connected.. most people aren't deep, most people haven't done the internal work to be able to actually connect with their spouse or even themselves.
many churches just help to feed the divorce industry. Preach Jesus but give them the whole story. How to live your best life as a married couple but the reality of church people getting divorced is still an issue. Then, when you're going through the divorce industry meat grinder, the church is often nowhere to be found
If you find your soulmate and true love, marriage is Heaven on Earth. My husband and I were blessed with that kind of love for 52 years (married for 51 years 4 months and 21 days,) He's in Heaven now, waiting for me. I miss him beyond measure.
@@jessebaseal6577 Thank you. Whenever I am depressed about being without him, I have to remind myself I was very blessed to have shared his life and love for all those years, and we'll be together again.
When he said that I just automatically knew it was the complete opposite going on. It's like they hate each other now. But it's good that even as a divorce attorney he knows that they did love each other at some point.
@@dominiquemcclaney128I'll be the unpopular opinion here and say they never loved each other. They just loved what each other did at one point and got tired of it. True love doesn't dissolve like that. It was mostly lust and a shallow version of happiness that most couples experience.
@@chitlinjuiceI agree. When he said you didn’t sleep with your husband for 6 years. What did you think would happen. There was no conversation over Six years at all about why sex wasn’t occurring. That’s insane. Was she sick, was their sexual assault trauma? Was he a jerk to her emotionally? Was she cheating? Like what in the world. Marriage is complex and not the source of our happiness. Jesus is.
Not sure if there has ever been an hour of youtube where I’ve been so attuned to every word the person was saying, very fascinating and valuable insight.
I turned 50 recently, and I've been thinking the same thing!! My whole life was "safe"...and now I'm closer to death (natural/statistically) I'm thinking..."WHAT THE HELL.....GO OUT GO NUTS!"
All around you, people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. But dear children, do not tiptoe. Run, hop, skip, or dance, just don't tiptoe. Shane Claiborne. I don't know that guy, but I love this quote. Heard it about 20 years ago.
Dude is just engrained with a wealth of knowledge, philosophy around his craft, and seems like genuine guy. Just binged both his interviews with SWUB and there wasn’t a sentence I didn’t find interesting. Need more people like this 👍
The best marriage advice I have ever gotten was “seek first to understand, then be understood” It’s not easy. We are so caught up in the way we feel all the time, but this will get you through a lot.
First understand yourself, understand your needs, your boundaries, understand how to discern red flags, understand how to communicate clearly, calmly, and directly. Understand your biases, your core wounds, your cognitive distortions, your maladaptive patterns. Understand your attachment style. Self understanding is paramount to being able to connect to and understand another human. We cannot seek to understand anyone, when we haven't cleared out our own stuff. Then, yes, seek to understand...before demanding someone understand you. However, if it's not reciprocal, know that it won't work.
Yeah, for the man to try and understand and apologize and admit he is wrong while women are never wrong as they are too used to being told everything they do is empowering even when using men for selfish means.
This is one of the best episodes produced! Highly insightful from many perspectives. The irony of it is that he gave the literal solutions for a successful marriage: 1) Don't compare. 2) Don't be selfish. 3) Feed the marriage. 4) Keep holding hands 5) Become the best version of yourself. A successful marriage isn't winning the lottery. It's a mutual willingness to do the work necessary to create happiness.
Yes! I totally agree! This was thr best episode for me so far. This man is just so incredibly on the ball. Amazing stuff, and what you say is true about the points to a successful marriage 💑
Most of all historically marriage is covenant to raise children. Or heirs to the farm, cattle, patch of land. It was never intended for mutual Happiness.
Our traditions were demolished a long time ago. He’s commenting on the rubble. Marriage is a religious institution older than human history. Maybe if non-believers stopped highjacking a religion they’re not part of it would stop blowing up in their faces.
@@KINGAMIIAMKINGtoday it is but the heart of marriage is god, that's why you get married in a church or a synagogue/mosque etc. People took God out of the equation which makes their vows easier to break.
_"Being married is great sometimes, the problem is you're married all the time."_ Great quote. Great interview. So many nuggets of insight. So many relevant analogies on-hand for the scenarios he was discussing. That quote is one of several that I could have listed here.
People make the mistake of going for attraction instead of compatibility. Morals/values/, integrity, politics, kids, marriage, sex, careers, finances, religion, world view, temperament, communication, household, past trauma, personality traits etc. They have to be compatible. Liking each other simply is not enough. Laying it all out on the table. Will it always be 100% perfect? No. But life is a struggle, the rest is teamwork. You better stick with someone who compliments your assets and weak spots. You will come to find, life is much nicer when you have someone by your side who has your best interest at heart.
I agree. its one thing to be interesting, its another to be able to talk about something not tied to you, yet is so universal and directly affects so many people! married and unmarried. and to talk about it objectively and critically is extremely powerful. this one interview is an insight to millions of marriages! Marriage as a state entity and marriage as a partnership are 2 different things completely! we should understand this before we even consider getting married!
Enjoyable to listen to this gentleman! He is very refreshing, intelligent, and has a good command of the English Language. He is well versed, charming, and an excellent storyteller. You can tell he has passion in his life. God bless him. I hope his love story for life ends well. Everyone deserves to be LOVED
I’m so glad he brought up social media. People don’t realize how “dangerous” it can be for relationships. He explained it perfectly, it’s an entry point
True! But here he has forgotten to mention the influence of digital p***ography / OF / IG / Dating apps for casual pleasure plus the whole issue of addiction. It's brutally devastating for relationships and society... I guess finding "old friends" on Facebook is here the smallest part.
@@beatewagner7.2934 Nice question. I believe trust is vital in marriage but a healthy married couple should have many of the same friends and share experiences together therefore separate accounts aren't needed unless you have something to hide.
I disagree. Doing the right thing even when it's hard or not what you want to do, putting in time and effort to show love, consideration for how your choices affect those you love, prioritizing their happiness and safety, not holding onto resentment... The skill set is the same. It's just effected very differently.
@@juless7807As a man I don’t think you are talking about the same thing that he was implying in his male brain. If I am correct; because I agree 100% with his comment and what it means to me is that as a father who is a a full time single dad of a son I got custody of 5 years ago. (Me and his mom dated in college, split when he was 6mo old). I got him every other weekend. He is my 1 true love. Business owner who worked 100 hours per week even while I had custody, but covid came and destroyed that business and so I created a different business. These small things are important to the context, and I’m getting to it. When I got custody of him, I completely stopped dating. And the reason I stopped dating is a woman takes so much time, money and effort. And that’s not a bad thing, if you love her you love her. But as a father, my priority is my child, above everything else. Above a woman, and even myself. But as a man, it’s important to be happy with yourself and your accomplishments before you invest in a wife. If you do not, it’s going to fail. Because no man will ever be secure enough, to ge happy enough, and trust enough. Regardless of what you look like. Men are not women. To men, our looks mean absolutely nothing. We play very different games in life, and most girls don’t realize it, and many feminist would love to deny it. But it’s true. A man’s value is in his status and resources, and woman’s is in her looks. It’s been this way since the dawn of mankind. All the proof you need is to look up who owns the most yachts, and it’s men. Yet, you see far more women on yachts on social Media, why is that? You never see the men. The reason is, these types of girls don’t want to show the man. Because everyone knows that’s not her yacht, and everyone knows what she’s had to do to be on that yacht popping $500 bottles. And it was being born beautiful. That’s it. She probably doesn’t even have a job. Because men do not give a shit about a woman’s wealth or status, we only care about her looks it’s the opposite for woman. This is why is said a man must be secure in himself and happy with where he is in life regardless of how good looking He is. His looks will Get him laid, but his status is what will make him secure and happy to be able to be a good husband emotionally later. But we already have the skill set to be a father, it’s a genetic thing all fathers that are “good dads” have for their kids. We are willing to put everything in our lives on old in order to provide them the best life and get them raised and we will worry about our Dating life and marriage later. I realize this is not the norm, and that’s the problem. Most men are miserable and most men will never be where they want to be because of these choices and wasting time with women. So it takes a emotionally skill set to be able to work 100 hours per week, still show up for your kids school activities and raise them. There is no room for the skill set it takes to be a good husband at this point. A new study realized show that single father households do just as good as two parents households and single women households have nightmare statistics attached to them. It’s because men and women are very different, and we are good at different things. Single moms who although may be raising their kids, maybe 1% of them would stop dating to focus solely on their kids and they end up just sleeping with tons of men chasing happiness they will never find. Because men and women value different things. Men are going to sleep with her. But men don’t want the single mom who has 3 kids and 2 baby daddies. Women make very poor choices in this part of life because women are creatures of emotion and men are creatures of logic and ambition. And the ambitious women are feminist all trying to compete with men, when men don’t even think of things like this and we damn sure don’t want to have a marriage with those women. So men and women are very different in how we think and the truth about our lives being very different can always come down to the yacht. A hot woman can be on a yacht anytime by spreading her legs, but a man has to buy that yacht to be on it. So because of this, it’s easy for us to use our skills as being a father vs our skills at being a husband. We can’t do both until we are happy with ourselves.
In a sane society, the being a husband essentially _IS_ being a father. You protect, provide for, and preside over a woman like her father did and she accepts your patriarchy. The only real differences are intimacy and parenting. Why do you think girls who have great relationships with their fathers get guys like their fathers? Why do you think girls who had bad relationships and are starved for the imposition of wise authority mean _"DADDY!"_ during shrekx? The problem is that we've been taught to treat them like equal partners when we never evolved to be that liberal democratic fantasy.
@@Mr.Ambrose_Dyer_Armitage_Esq. Sorry, you don't own your wife. Those women were not protected, they were slaves. They were (and in many ways/places still are) expected to be an on-demand s3x toy, cook, maid, sole caregiver, waitress, hostess, and PR rep. And, if they didn't, they were beaten, stoned, killed, etc. If they didn't do it with a smile on their faces, they were told there's something wrong with them, and then probably beaten. They did not accept patriarchy- they had no choice. You can't choose something you are not given a choice in. GTFO
I agree with both of you! Sadly we live in a throw away society.... selfishness, lust, greed...addictions, godlessness.... destroy relationships and marriages...
He isn’t wise one bit. He has no knowledge about relationships. He’s divorced himself and makes excuses for cheating blaming the partner, wants to have sex with women without having any obligations towards them. His outlook on why marriages fall apart are immature.
I love my wife and I couldn’t be with anyone else but I was so happy when I asked my daughter if she thought I loved her mother and she instantly said yes. I was so relieved. I love my wife but it’s so satisfying that it’s obvious.
"We are prehistoric creatures living in medieval institutions with God-like technology" Damn, that one floored me. One of the best SWU interviews by far
@@stephaniehayesbusinessIt is a paraphrased from a quote by Edward O. Wilson, “the problem of humanity is the following: We have Paleolithic emotions, medieval institutions and godlike technology.”
Love his take on social media causing general unhappiness in comparing yourself to others... "you're looking at everyone's greatest hits while you're living your gag reel."
At 21 years of marriage, my wife inherited a substantial amount of money and within a month left me for a guy she met at the gym. We avoided a divorce attorney because I wanted to spare our children a nasty divorce. She was at least reasonable in the divorce, mostly because she knew she was stabbing me in the back. Being tossed aside like that was the most painful experience of my life. To this day, if something reminds me of that time, I feel it all over again. I've moved past my ex, but the pain is there, always waiting to pop its ugly head out.
Is she still with him? How long ago was this? I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through, and I hope your life is going better now, and that you meet your person when you are ready
Just came across this interview and I am so impressed!! I am a widow now but he could have helped me understand marriage better. I wish I had another chance to change some things. Thank you for this interview. Please bring him back!
My mother was married and divorced four times before I was 25. I saw what it does to people up close and personal. Before I got married I sat down with future spouse and created a prenup, and 10.5 years later when we decided to call it quits we sat down and split everything just like Jim said, yours, mine and ours. We never fought over anything and 23 years later we're still friends. I 100% agree with Jim's take on marriage. Another outstanding interview Mark!!
36:45 - "How are you going to be married to someone, have children with someone, and you can't talk about hard things such as a prenup? How are you going to navigate life together and not be able to talk about hard things? If you can't then don't get married". So very true. Hit the nail on the head.
Another fellow Divorce Lawyer here. Exceptional video, and phenomenal insight into what life is really behind the marital curtain. Bravo to all involved 🙌
Is it really though? I've been married for 14 years and I don't recognize much of this. I guess I got lucky in that I married my neighbor/high school sweetheart. She's the only woman I've ever been with and while I find other women attractive - I've never had the inclination to cheat. I'm extremely happy and satisfied with where we are in our relationship. We're in our mid 30s and by the time we're 40 all our kids will be adults and we will be young-ish and still have time to enjoy our life together. Getting married and having kids early in life is really underappreciated.
"How do you like to fight?" That's a great question! So many people learn too late and misunderstandings occur, and then it's down the tubes from there!
I agree, I will make sure my 21 yr old son watches this too. I can remember "my thing" , she never had a thing, she said she always knew we would divorce...
After seeing so many divorces, he clearly still feels very strongly about people being in love. I saw his eyes get red a few times when he was talking about love. What a great interview.
I can't help but notice how he contradicted himself toward the end of the video. Initially, he said people shouldn't look at other relationships and make assumptions about how happy two people are. Then he turned around and made those same assumptions about the couple he and his wife went to Disney World with. Other than that, excellent video. I appreciate his wisdom and insight.
@independ4416 I don't disagree with you but I think at first he was talking about general rules concerning marriage/relationships, and the end story was a personal experience that centered around him and his wife more than the other couple. But what do I know...
@ungoyone I could be wrong but that personal experience that centered around him and his wife, was influenced by assumptions made from observing the other couple.
This guy deserves his own podcast, talk show, or RUclips channel. He is infinitely charismatic and entertaining. Most of these interviews are so depressing. It's nice to watch one with a guest who is smart, insightful, interesting, informative and funny as hell. Love this one!
I might be biased as a law student, but this guy said somethings that are so rational. Be like him honestly. This is like one of the best social critism I have read or heard
James Sexton has a book [How To Stay In Love] and a podcast he co-hosts [Argue in Peace]. Both are brilliant... This man's brand of practical honesty is what we need more of. And he's so right about kindness - costs nothing but it can mean so much. Thanks for the conversation, SWU.
Please bring more episodes with this attorney. This is an extremely smart man and obviously very well versed in what he does. You could maybe even think about making him talk about other entirely different topics. Thank you for what you do Mark
Started out thinking "what a total loud mouth jerk", ended the interview thinking " wish he could be my life coach". As always Mark, the beauty of these interviews is that people are never what you expect. What an amazing interview full of practical life truths.
@@peppyskeptic for me, I honestly think I judged him too quickly. He made a comment about women (a sex comment) and I assumed he was going to be a sexist. I ended feeling very wrong about my assumption.
To me this was by far the best SWU interview I've seen. This guy is incredibly wise. It also reminds me how rare my parents were. My parents first met when they were 12 years old, started dating when they were 14, got legally married when they were 16, & stayed married until my Mom died at the age of 82 (3 years ago). My dad was so devastated and lost when my Mom died, he only lived another 7 months.
same thing happened with my grandparents - grandpa died less than a year after grandma's passing, even though he was much healthier than her. but in their case it was codependence, not healthy love.
I really like this guy. I could listen to him for hours, even though there's a bit i dont agree with. He dropped so many gems in this interview too. So insightful. ❤️ Hope to see him again!
@@ClarisNdoroRealEstateWrong. Given the total number of people in the world, the chances your soulmate happens to live in the same city or work at the same company are zero. It’s a nonsensical term invented for romance novels and movies.
Yes, 100%. And later, he expands on that point a little bit, and it totally is that idea that one person is going to be EVERYTHING for you. It's ridiculous. I am married to a woman from a more "traditional" culture, let's say, and the most remarkable difference is the expectations. I'm not expected to want to go dress up in pink and watch the Barbie movie, and she's not expected to be interested in my sports. We're allowed to be our own people, unapologetically.
I believe soulmates are made, not born. I know my best friend for 14 years, good times and troubles, we share the exact same brain at this point. That's what I call a soulmate.
60:00 phenomenal interview. I had an aunt who died at almost 80 after about 60 years married. My uncle in a private moment told me, life without her never occurred to him. They went through so much together and still maintained their love and devotion to each other, despite war, exile, etc.
This video should be played to every teenager as they leave high school and be used as pre-marriage classes. Absolutely the most valuable video on all of RUclips.
Agreed! I also think a pre-nup should be a standard part of obtaining a marriage license... or any other legal form process that needs to be filed before 2 people can wed!!!
He was so great! Gave me some good advice on how to improve and make my marriage “right”. He’s absolutely right marriage is hard, but sometimes if you can work through the hard times, the payoff of the happiness and joy of staying married to the best person to party with it’s so so worth it! He’s worth it!
This guy NEEDS his own show or podcast. So entertaining, wise and down to earth it’s incredible. Literally breath taking. One of if not the best interview I’ve ever seen. Hands down.
We need a part 2! Bravo! As someone who has been married for 17 years and wants to stay married, this guy is dropping jewels and is worth listening to! ❤
Gawwwd Dammm, who is this guy? I could listen to him for hours. Just finished the video and I had to watch it a second time!! This guy is dropping golden nuggets, this video will go down as one of the greatest of all times!! Goat status 🐐🐐🐐🐐
"Why would you want to learn how to fight, IN A FIGHT??" That hit home for me. This whole podcast was a revelation. True enlightenment from a marriage soldier. He fights for each side but he soldiers forward.
Really really enjoyed the podcast. That said while his thesis is that marriage is an outdated and failed technology he didn’t present an alternative to raising children. Mom lives on oak street and Dad on maple in the same town? Single moms? A bunch of bitches in the same house? Single dads? Dad gets every Wednesday night and every other weekend (vanilla visitation schedule). If my sons want kids what are they supposed to do? Live in the basement while mom upstairs? Bird nesting? (Dad and mom alternate weeks in same house and buzz off on alternate weeks) Its easy to criticize; it’s hard to synthesize.
POST MARRIAGE..SAY REVIEW in 1, 3, 5 10 yrs ..why do people separate after 25 30 yrs??? How crazy is that? I see president's CEOs, Generals grabbing arm candy so what happened to 1st or 2nd..1 very famous CEO married 4-5 times Secretary Secretary Secretary Secretary? Engineer How many times did he not get this..INTELLIGENCE is a PART of conjugation My genius engineer roommate never learned as still stayed with Secretary after 3 to 4 times
@@thematriarchy2075 lawyers live in reality and reflect the experience they've had/are having - not the aspiration of a future, perfectly egalitarian society. How is it sexist to suggest people thoroughly evaluate marriage and understand it's a legal contract - not a guarantee of anything? This is just real talk, nothing more.
The purpose of marriage isn't to be happy, it's to grow together. Happiness is a byproduct of a well maintained marriage. Whether you're single or married happiness flows in and out like the tide for all humans.
No, the purpose of marriage was to tie one man to one woman, who could then support the children that were called urchins or sold at markets, females getting pregnant and all property owned by males makes it hard to support children on your own, an incredibly tough time to be female. Child Support originated from this.
"I don't think I can learn eveything I need to know about myself from myself." - This hit like a truck as I've never heard it verbalized from another person so perfectly. I would kill to go out to dinner with this guy and just talk. What a fascinating human being.
@@Teurab the fish is always in water. He doesn’t see it as water because he doesn’t know anything different and he’s always in the middle of it. In this context he used it as an analogy to say, when we are in a relationship we might not see the flaws of the other person or think about how it could go badly or turn out in the end because we are right in the middle of the relationship and we don’t think about those things.
I think we always see the issue, but we deny it. We build a whole explanation to it, to cover it up. And in the end, when we don't want to justify it anymore, and see it for what it really is, that's when it's over
Incredible interview. Thank you! Literally, one of the wisest people I ever listened to, and ie listened to over 10,000 lectures, interviews and podcasts. This man is a gift to humanity.
We're 57 yrs old, been married for 36 yrs, together for 40. It's been hell and its been great. Glad we never gave up and that we still make the effort to keep things going.
@@pepper1188 Staying happily married is just like anything else worth having, it takes work. If you sit on the couch night after night eating a bag of chips, you're going to have the body that reflects that life style. Marriage is no different. You want a healthy happy marriage, you need to work at it. In our 40 yr relationship we've had our ups and downs for sure, but we've always wanted to keep up the work to bring it back.
Prompted by James' advice about the little things - I just wrote a message to my husband about how much I appreciate how hard he works for us on a stickie note and put it in his wallet so he sees it in the morning. I do appreciate him and should tell him more rather than assume he knows. Thank you for the reminder.
Men already know that our only value comes from what we can provide. Nothing wrong with acknowledging that. But if you really want to blow his mind, give him a compliment. Most guys go decades without a compliment. We remember every single one because they're so rare. Tell him he's good looking and why. If you do it right, he'll remember that moment for the rest of his life.
“Marriage is an inherently negligent activity. It’s like owning a lion.” This man picked the right career. It’s like working in the funeral or the liquor business. It will go on.
I don't think the romantic type of love is special. And I am started to think that the romantic type of love isn't real. I mean about more than half of romantic couples either break up with each other or divorce each other, while most platonic best friends remain friends until death. I think that having a platonic best friend is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse is. Having someone who's like a sibling to you is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse. Also, you are more likely to be much more closer to someone who's like a brother or sister to you than you would be with a romantic partner or spouse. People tend to fight with their partner or spouse a lot more than they do with a platonic best friend, and you never fight with your best friend the way you fight with your partner or spouse. Partners and spouses are just temporary. If you break up or divorce them, it's hard to go back to them. With your platonic best friend, you're going to make things work, because they are your best friend, they are your go to partner. It's always easier to make amends with them than it is with a romantic partner or spouse. Romantic relationships are pointless, while platonic relationships are not.
That's where you're wrong, marriage is coming to an end. Marriage rates are declining rapidly. In 10 years, he may have to switch his legal focus to something else.
This was super refreshing. He’s unapologetically candid and authentic, while also being knowledgeable and relatable. If only our politicians were like this guy.
Politicians aren’t relatable. They have to think about everything they speak and are forbidden from speaking candidly in fact most of these fucks read their speeches no one speaks from the heart
"You're going to die, does that undermine your life?" Is such a great way to look at this whole thing, honestly. This was a very good conversation to have.
In divorce your waman will take at least half of your money and property, your children too more importantly. You will loose your friends and family who will almost certainly not be on your side. Death is preferable for many who go trough this.
He has at least 1 other interview on RUclips where he's quite different. Still very smart, wise, etc, but he's far more reserved and proper. He's a fantastic person. So intelligent.
This guy was born to be attorney. The right amount of mental fortitude, grace and harsh truth in a human
It feels like he has been through a lot of shit to grow into what he is today.
@@ww3032no shit sherlock
Or maybe he's been an attorney for 20 years lmao
@@kalicperry6940or he's been watching MGTOW and manosphere videos
Facts!!!
"people will lie to their therapist but they won't lie to their divorce lawyer", one of like 40 gems in this video
Depending on what it is, you can still get into serious trouble if you reveal certain things to your therapist.
You hypothetically have more legal safety with your lawyer than your therapist.
@@GrubKiller436 Yes, you need to lie to your therapist until you know you can trust them. And that may be never. They will take what you say and report you and it could be groundless.
My ex is still not honest to his lawyer, doubt he is honest to his therapist.
I'm making that my Facebook headline
That's funny, the longer I work as a lawyer the more I get surprised how stupid people are with withholding essential information from me when all I do is try to help them
"If you can't talk about hard things you have no business getting married" Wise words to be married by.
So true!
Truth
I say that about ALL relationships..friends, boyfriends and absolutely marriage.
Yes!! That part!
There's most definitely some underlying misogyny that influenced this conversation.
I texted my fiancé to tell her I love her and I can’t wait to marry her while watching this video. She said it made her day. Take from this video whatever you want, wisdom is wisdom
Prenup or no prenup? Genuine question, at least knowing what you know for, this video.
Get a prenup!
Strange times when a divorce lawyer is the best marriage counselor you've ever seen.
Seriously
makes sense though as he's seen everything people shouldn't do
Best comment
As a licensed therapist myself, I couldn’t agree more.
It is not strange at all. It’s honestly the most obvious thing. You only understand the concept of things when you have seen the worst. You then begin to understand the underlying fundamentals to get through it.
“Falling feels like flying for a little while until you hit the ground” ONE OF THE RAWEST INTERVIEWS IVE SEEN
'Falling isn't bad. It's that sudden stop at the end." - Indiana Jones
No fr! I replayed that back like 4 more times😂
Rawfully true, I might add.
@@NotSuperwomannice username.
frr
“I don’t envy people being married for a long time because that’s not the goal. The goal is to be HAPPILY married.” So true. I wasn’t expecting to listen for an entire hour but he is charismatic, informative, and honest ❤
To me it’s no way in hell any man who’s married is happy.Having sex with the same woman year after year is atrocious.
@@getmoneychill6462 and the same for goes for her having the same man, such is life…
@getmoneychill6462 I'm sorry you feel that way. You're probably trolling, but hopefully you find true love someday.
I completely agree. Whenever people just blindly applaud couples who have been married forever, I kinda don’t get it. They could be in a horrible relationship. It’s really not the quantity of years but the quality
@@srm0520but isn't Married like a wave of happiness and sad,just like any other things in life.
I was with my husband for 16 years and lost him to a stroke at 44, BUT we were separated for 6 years before he passed. This is the most honest, funny, interesting, educational, real thing I have seen about marriage in my 55 years!
The “I’m not happy why should you be happy” was powerful. The entire interview was phenomenal
I literally watch this dynamic play out with my brother and his wife almost every time I visit. It's wild.
that's such a sad way to live and i don't understand why people act that way. my ex wife was that way and it made things so hard
@@stella-vu8vh Because there's no one else to talk to. In marriage, you're expected to bring all your vents and frustrations to your significant other but when you do, they take it personally even though you were just trying to work through your emotions to figure out where they were coming from and how to move past them. This is why he's spot on that no single other person can be the 'everything' to another. Sometimes, you just need to vent in order to figure out how you truly feel about something but if you only have the subject of the venting to vent to, too many negative emotions start to entangle into everything and it can become near impossible to disentangle.
@KetoFattywhat does that mean
Not every woman is like tjis just so you know. I continued to do sweet things for him.. small gifts, notes, kindness.. as he did less and less. It broke my heart. It was not even about material things.. just sleep next to me or hold my hand, but no. He slept on the couch, would not hold my hand.. oh well
I NEVER thought I'd listen to a divorce attorney for an hour, but Jim's societal insights are fascinating! Great interview, please have him back.
Agree!
Jim is a very smart, cool dude. My dad was a divorce lawyer for 30 years. Its a tough job
Totally agree 😂❤
I like this guy! He’s super real. Thanks Mark!
Same here
This is the EXACT guy you want to be drinking whiskey with in a dark quiet bar. I could listen to his stories for days.
But you would never have him as opposing council in your divorce 😂😂😂
Paul Auster? 😏
This is one of the best interviews I have even watched.
He would probably start talking sh*t after a couple shots. :P
The valuable knowledge that he has will save a lot of men
James is the type of man whom you can talk about every subject and turns out interesting.
This divorce attorney needs his own RUclips channel or podcast, his personality had me glued to the screen, what a real dude
Yep. Agreed. He was hypnotic to listen to!! And not hard on the eyes either 😂
He has a IG acc But I can't remember the @
Found it! It's @nycdivorcelawyer
I thought so too. You can't make these things up
He does
Incredible conversation. We all just got $500-1000/hr. worth of advice for free. One of the best things you can do for marital health is listen to guys like this. It’s just as important to know how marriages turn bad as how they stay strong.
💯
You broke that down nicely 100%. Made me realize it that was as well thank you. This is truly a gem here..
Well said bro. Priceless experience here
This was an hour consultation for free 🔥
Seriously! Where's the "Buy Me a Coffee" link? 😁
Sadly its a price on everything
“Falling feels like flying…until you hit the ground.”
Fabulous quote!
"falling feels like flying until bones crush" ~ Taylor Swift
Have you seen Crazy Heart yet?
Not sure if I agree with that. Flying is against gravity and failing is the opposite
100%
it's been quoted by other people and in songs before, he's not the original source
Recently married at 20.. so incredibly insightful and i feel so lucky to have come across this video when i did. I could listen to you talk for hours and wish you had a podcast or a show! The things you said about social media in this video has really resonated with me given the fact that i am a young married woman, and because of the damage that social media could do in a relationship, we both have decided not to have those apps, and we have been together for 4 years. Nothing like comparison will really affect a perfectly fine relationship. 3 years social media free and till this day i believe everything you see is definitely just during their biggest hits.
When you said it’s the little things, i’ve had about 6 things i could think of that my husband does for me consistently that i sometimes take for granted and don’t realize how important it has been for our relationship. Im so thankful for this interview and i truly hope to see more of you wether you start writing books or doing more interviews!
Give this man a show! His way of expressing himself is captivating.
Why white rich men are so ignorant about other people culture and religion? In Saudi, we have high increase divorce last ten years! In Islam we don't have this nonsense about marriage like Catholic marriage or Alimony!
Foreal he is entertaining 😅 He said I'll f*** that guy for 200 million dollars 😂
yeah. He's hilarious.
Yes, he is. But most intelligent, educated, successful and thoughtful people are similar in my experience.
@dougb4956
Those 4 qualities are very different though&often mutually exclusive tbh.
Educated and successful do not even sit in the same category as intelligence, which largely refers to emotional and social intelligence, which is often ironically lacking amongst those in highest levels of education or ‘success’. Success through money doesn’t lead to buying class, personality emotional intelligence or what i would consider the true things that make u rich- loved ones who care about u and good health!
Just my random thoughts
“I don’t think I can learn everything about myself from myself”perfect!
That was it. For me it was the best line in the whole thing, too.
I can
Big if true!
When did you and yourself learn you like cum shakes. Shaken. Not stirred.
I don't know when was the last time I saw such a vibrant and energetic combination of teaching, consulting, coaching and stand-up comedy. Thanks Mark for this one. This man got me back on my feet after so many sex offenders and victims, addicts, prostitutes and all the other poor and broken people I met through your videos. A necessary counterbalance. Excellent!
This descriptive is ON POINT! Excellent!
That's exactly what I waa thinking!
I had to click right away when i saw how different the one getting interviewed in the video. such a fresh story, something different but still hits home
Agreed!! I was going down the dark rabbit hole too much!
@@TheRoseAnthology I agree completely. Most of Mark's videos are like training for empathy with the working title "Faith - saddle on the horse of life between good and evil". This video is like a bottle of cold clear water handed to you by a nice waiter while saying "Brain!...come on!...turn your head on!"
I love this guy from the first sentence to the last!! Complete honesty, truth and pretty damn accurate. Observation is spot on. People don't need therapy, they need you!!
Felt like every other sentence was worth writing down… incredible interview!!
You're speaking the truth im on my 5Th playback
Does every stock lose value if you hold it too long ? No
lol, that's what you got from this?!?!? hahahahah....@@johnb6850
Yes, so much so that I actually paused the video to get a pen and paper! Ha!
@johnb6850 yeah. Not every stock loses value if you hold it too long. And?
Man that first story about the 92 year old man leaving his wife after 60 plus years of marriage is actually heartbreaking I actually got upset 😔
Just goes to show he was always trash.
One where I used to live shot his wife same age 😔
@@timhensley3695 Thank you for sharing. I think we all need a reality check. My eyes have been wide open since I was six years old when I saw what marriage meant. The best thing I ever decided was to stay single.
@@paintingwithrosev741 I agree unless you win the lottery. It does exist.
Ugh that man’s poor wife. She shared her life with the man she thought would be there for her always. Oh that breaks my heart to pieces. He’ll regret it when he realizes he threw away the best thing in his life. Loyalty and Love. 😢
This is why I hesitate to fully love. I’m better off riding the line rather than making the step over and risking my heart.
I’m such a romantic but it’s hard to believe in true love anymore. I’ll stick to my rescue dogs. Always loyal and unconditional love.
"I wanna see how it looked like when these people loved each other." Genuinely made me tear up, what a beautiful sentiment.
i wonder how many people actually loved each other, or got married for other reasons like societal expectations (have to be married by x age, otherwise people will think i'm x,y,z so i'll just settle down with this person) or finances (if we get married we'll pay less taxes). or how many marriages are actually deeply connected.. most people aren't deep, most people haven't done the internal work to be able to actually connect with their spouse or even themselves.
😅 0:41 😅😅 0:41 😅😅😅 1:06
Their toxic side isn't revealed yet in the honeymoon stage.
We need James back, I could listen to him talk for hours
THIS SHOULD BE MANDATORY VIEWING FOR EVERY ENGAGED COUPLE ON THE PLANET🙏
I definitely watched it and engaged.
@@jenwhite6305 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂....my bad! "EVERY"👍
This should be mandatory to everybody. I'm single and watching this proved what I already thought - marriage is not for me
@@xanperia I wasn't agreeing with everything he had said.....and I believe in marriage💕
many churches just help to feed the divorce industry. Preach Jesus but give them the whole story. How to live your best life as a married couple but the reality of church people getting divorced is still an issue. Then, when you're going through the divorce industry meat grinder, the church is often nowhere to be found
If you find your soulmate and true love, marriage is Heaven on Earth. My husband and I were blessed with that kind of love for 52 years (married for 51 years 4 months and 21 days,) He's in Heaven now, waiting for me. I miss him beyond measure.
This is so precious
I'm really sorry for the loss ❤️
Wow. It's does exist. Is it possible to find it before divorce?
@@TOMMY-WANT-WINGY😂😂😂
@@jessebaseal6577 Thank you. Whenever I am depressed about being without him, I have to remind myself I was very blessed to have shared his life and love for all those years, and we'll be together again.
“I would love to see what it looked like when these people loved each other” such a heart-trending quote
When he said that I just automatically knew it was the complete opposite going on. It's like they hate each other now. But it's good that even as a divorce attorney he knows that they did love each other at some point.
He did say that he believes in love, so It makes sense for him to say that.@@dominiquemcclaney128
@@dominiquemcclaney128they were in love... maybe not loved each other
@@dominiquemcclaney128I'll be the unpopular opinion here and say they never loved each other. They just loved what each other did at one point and got tired of it. True love doesn't dissolve like that. It was mostly lust and a shallow version of happiness that most couples experience.
@@chitlinjuiceI agree. When he said you didn’t sleep with your husband for 6 years. What did you think would happen. There was no conversation over Six years at all about why sex wasn’t occurring. That’s insane. Was she sick, was their sexual assault trauma? Was he a jerk to her emotionally? Was she cheating? Like what in the world. Marriage is complex and not the source of our happiness. Jesus is.
Not sure if there has ever been an hour of youtube where I’ve been so attuned to every word the person was saying, very fascinating and valuable insight.
As a fellow divorce attorney, his statements are 100% accurate! Loved listening to him.
Then u know y most men r walking away from marriage
@@KD400_ Women are walking away from marriage, also. Whether guy or girl, treat them well or they will find someone who will.
@@FreeSpirit47 judging by ur profile picture I'm sure u had tons of offers but u chose to walk away. It's not positive btw.
@@FreeSpirit47 WHY is it always tit for tat wit women
@@Dewane1511 Nothing is always anything. Tit for tat is an aspect of life. Cause & effect. Light & dark. It's a balance present all through life.
"Tiptoeing through life so you can arrive safely at death." - brilliant!!! Love this guy!!
I turned 50 recently, and I've been thinking the same thing!! My whole life was "safe"...and now I'm closer to death (natural/statistically) I'm thinking..."WHAT THE HELL.....GO OUT GO NUTS!"
Guilty a bit
Tired
Read this quote in the book You Are a Badass. By far my favorite quote of all time.
All around you, people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. But dear children, do not tiptoe. Run, hop, skip, or dance, just don't tiptoe.
Shane Claiborne.
I don't know that guy, but I love this quote. Heard it about 20 years ago.
"I don't think I can learn everything about myself from myself, I need someone who can see my blind spots" ❤ I love that!
I concur.
I read this comment the exact moment he said it.
Dude is just engrained with a wealth of knowledge, philosophy around his craft, and seems like genuine guy. Just binged both his interviews with SWUB and there wasn’t a sentence I didn’t find interesting. Need more people like this 👍
The best marriage advice I have ever gotten was “seek first to understand, then be understood” It’s not easy. We are so caught up in the way we feel all the time, but this will get you through a lot.
100%
St Francis of Assissi
Your marriage will end in divorce.
First understand yourself, understand your needs, your boundaries, understand how to discern red flags, understand how to communicate clearly, calmly, and directly. Understand your biases, your core wounds, your cognitive distortions, your maladaptive patterns. Understand your attachment style.
Self understanding is paramount to being able to connect to and understand another human. We cannot seek to understand anyone, when we haven't cleared out our own stuff.
Then, yes, seek to understand...before demanding someone understand you. However, if it's not reciprocal, know that it won't work.
Yeah, for the man to try and understand and apologize and admit he is wrong while women are never wrong as they are too used to being told everything they do is empowering even when using men for selfish means.
This is one of the best episodes produced! Highly insightful from many perspectives. The irony of it is that he gave the literal solutions for a successful marriage: 1) Don't compare. 2) Don't be selfish. 3) Feed the marriage. 4) Keep holding hands 5) Become the best version of yourself. A successful marriage isn't winning the lottery. It's a mutual willingness to do the work necessary to create happiness.
YES
Yes! I totally agree! This was thr best episode for me so far. This man is just so incredibly on the ball. Amazing stuff, and what you say is true about the points to a successful marriage 💑
Most of all historically marriage is covenant to raise children. Or heirs to the farm, cattle, patch of land. It was never intended for mutual
Happiness.
I believe he could write a fantastic book about this subject
And get a prenup
I can't begin to express how much I wish I'd seen this 20 years ago. It should be required watching for everyone in today's society.
Are there some insights coming then? Because 12 minutes in and his demeanour is getting on my nerves.
@@jesperburnsHe’s being real. His demeanor presents 0 fakeness. Probably why it gets on your nerves. No catering.
@@brennenbisme his information is real but there's very few people alive faker than him
What have you learned from it? That men think with their di** till late retirement age?
Isn't that always the story? Listen up young men.
It’s very refreshing to hear someone to be so candid, I found this very interesting.
This man cut through all of our societal presuppositions and traditions like a hot knife. Extremely insightful.
Our traditions were demolished a long time ago. He’s commenting on the rubble.
Marriage is a religious institution older than human history. Maybe if non-believers stopped highjacking a religion they’re not part of it would stop blowing up in their faces.
@@lookoutforchris Our legal system doesn't reflect what marriage is from a traditional or religious standpoint.
@@lookoutforchris
Marriage is a government institution and wealth extraction.
@@KINGAMIIAMKINGtoday it is but the heart of marriage is god, that's why you get married in a church or a synagogue/mosque etc. People took God out of the equation which makes their vows easier to break.
@@KINGAMIIAMKING That doesn't disprove what he said
_"Being married is great sometimes, the problem is you're married all the time."_
Great quote. Great interview. So many nuggets of insight. So many relevant analogies on-hand for the scenarios he was discussing. That quote is one of several that I could have listed here.
People make the mistake of going for attraction instead of compatibility. Morals/values/, integrity, politics, kids, marriage, sex, careers, finances, religion, world view, temperament, communication, household, past trauma, personality traits etc. They have to be compatible. Liking each other simply is not enough. Laying it all out on the table. Will it always be 100% perfect? No. But life is a struggle, the rest is teamwork. You better stick with someone who compliments your assets and weak spots. You will come to find, life is much nicer when you have someone by your side who has your best interest at heart.
thats a good thing for me
This comment is also great sometimes.
There were 4 -6 quotes i wanted to jot down... alas
@@cyano741religion is something that shouldn’t make you get married. it’s all a lie
I'm 25 minutes into this interview and I would already rank this as your #1 interview so far. Please have this man back for more videos!
Agreed. Video of the year!! (Every year)😅
I agree. its one thing to be interesting, its another to be able to talk about something not tied to you, yet is so universal and directly affects so many people! married and unmarried. and to talk about it objectively and critically is extremely powerful. this one interview is an insight to millions of marriages! Marriage as a state entity and marriage as a partnership are 2 different things completely! we should understand this before we even consider getting married!
Agreed!
Enjoyable to listen to this gentleman! He is very refreshing, intelligent, and has a good command of the English Language. He is well versed, charming, and an excellent storyteller.
You can tell he has passion in his life.
God bless him.
I hope his love story for life ends well. Everyone deserves to be LOVED
I’m so glad he brought up social media. People don’t realize how “dangerous” it can be for relationships. He explained it perfectly, it’s an entry point
True! But here he has forgotten to mention the influence of digital p***ography / OF / IG / Dating apps for casual pleasure plus
the whole issue of addiction.
It's brutally devastating for relationships and society...
I guess finding "old friends" on Facebook is here the smallest part.
It's a good idea for married couples to share a joint account instead of having separate accounts on social media.
totally agree, social media is a temptation. @@TheSpringMood
@@TheSpringMood
What kind of foundation of trust is this for a relationship? 🤔
@@beatewagner7.2934 Nice question. I believe trust is vital in marriage but a healthy married couple should have many of the same friends and share experiences together therefore separate accounts aren't needed unless you have something to hide.
"the skill set for a father is completely different to the skill set of a husband" this man nailed it
In my opinion, America has produced and is in the process of producing abject losers as fathers.
I disagree. Doing the right thing even when it's hard or not what you want to do, putting in time and effort to show love, consideration for how your choices affect those you love, prioritizing their happiness and safety, not holding onto resentment... The skill set is the same. It's just effected very differently.
@@juless7807As a man I don’t think you are talking about the same thing that he was implying in his male brain. If I am correct; because I agree 100% with his comment and what it means to me is that as a father who is a a full time single dad of a son I got custody of 5 years ago. (Me and his mom dated in college, split when he was 6mo old). I got him every other weekend. He is my 1 true love. Business owner who worked 100 hours per week even while I had custody, but covid came and destroyed that business and so I created a different business. These small things are important to the context, and I’m getting to it. When I got custody of him, I completely stopped dating. And the reason I stopped dating is a woman takes so much time, money and effort. And that’s not a bad thing, if you love her you love her. But as a father, my priority is my child, above everything else. Above a woman, and even myself. But as a man, it’s important to be happy with yourself and your accomplishments before you invest in a wife. If you do not, it’s going to fail. Because no man will ever be secure enough, to ge happy enough, and trust enough. Regardless of what you look like. Men are not women. To men, our looks mean absolutely nothing. We play very different games in life, and most girls don’t realize it, and many feminist would love to deny it. But it’s true. A man’s value is in his status and resources, and woman’s is in her looks. It’s been this way since the dawn of mankind. All the proof you need is to look up who owns the most yachts, and it’s men. Yet, you see far more women on yachts on social Media, why is that? You never see the men. The reason is, these types of girls don’t want to show the man. Because everyone knows that’s not her yacht, and everyone knows what she’s had to do to be on that yacht popping $500 bottles. And it was being born beautiful. That’s it. She probably doesn’t even have a job. Because men do not give a shit about a woman’s wealth or status, we only care about her looks it’s the opposite for woman. This is why is said a man must be secure in himself and happy with where he is in life regardless of how good looking He is. His looks will
Get him laid, but his status is what will make him secure and happy to be able to be a good husband emotionally later. But we already have the skill set to be a father, it’s a genetic thing all fathers that are “good dads” have for their kids. We are willing to put everything in our lives on old in order to provide them the best life and get them raised and we will worry about our Dating life and marriage later. I realize this is not the norm, and that’s the problem. Most men are miserable and most men will never be where they want to be because of these choices and wasting time with women. So it takes a emotionally skill set to be able to work 100 hours per week, still show up for your kids school activities and raise them. There is no room for the skill set it takes to be a good husband at this point. A new study realized show that single father households do just as good as two parents households and single women households have nightmare statistics attached to them. It’s because men and women are very different, and we are good at different things. Single moms who although may be raising their kids, maybe 1% of them would stop dating to focus solely on their kids and they end up just sleeping with tons of men chasing happiness they will never find. Because men and women value different things. Men are going to sleep with her. But men don’t want the single mom who has 3 kids and 2 baby daddies. Women make very poor choices in this part of life because women are creatures of emotion and men are creatures of logic and ambition. And the ambitious women are feminist all trying to compete with men, when men don’t even think of things like this and we damn sure don’t want to have a marriage with those women. So men and women are very different in how we think and the truth about our lives being very different can always come down to the yacht. A hot woman can be on a yacht anytime by spreading her legs, but a man has to buy that yacht to be on it. So because of this, it’s easy for us to use our skills as being a father vs our skills at being a husband. We can’t do both until we are happy with ourselves.
In a sane society, the being a husband essentially _IS_ being a father. You protect, provide for, and preside over a woman like her father did and she accepts your patriarchy. The only real differences are intimacy and parenting. Why do you think girls who have great relationships with their fathers get guys like their fathers? Why do you think girls who had bad relationships and are starved for the imposition of wise authority mean _"DADDY!"_ during shrekx? The problem is that we've been taught to treat them like equal partners when we never evolved to be that liberal democratic fantasy.
@@Mr.Ambrose_Dyer_Armitage_Esq. Sorry, you don't own your wife. Those women were not protected, they were slaves. They were (and in many ways/places still are) expected to be an on-demand s3x toy, cook, maid, sole caregiver, waitress, hostess, and PR rep. And, if they didn't, they were beaten, stoned, killed, etc. If they didn't do it with a smile on their faces, they were told there's something wrong with them, and then probably beaten. They did not accept patriarchy- they had no choice. You can't choose something you are not given a choice in. GTFO
Wise man. Dropping knowledge in every sentence.
This should be mandatory viewing for anyone considering getting married.
That's what I said & posted the video link on FB!
I agree with both of you! Sadly we live in a throw away society.... selfishness, lust, greed...addictions, godlessness.... destroy relationships and marriages...
He isn’t wise one bit. He has no knowledge about relationships. He’s divorced himself and makes excuses for cheating blaming the partner, wants to have sex with women without having any obligations towards them. His outlook on why marriages fall apart are immature.
Me and my fiancé have been taking pre martial counseling just finished our second session today and got home and watched this 😂
I know a young man that must watch this. I hope I get him to look at it.
I love my wife and I couldn’t be with anyone else but I was so happy when I asked my daughter if she thought I loved her mother and she instantly said yes. I was so relieved. I love my wife but it’s so satisfying that it’s obvious.
This is so wholesome!
"We are prehistoric creatures living in medieval institutions with God-like technology" Damn, that one floored me.
One of the best SWU interviews by far
I agree. Paraphrased or original, the thinking is solid.
That is the best description for us that I've ever heard.
Profound. Have to remember that.
@@stephaniehayesbusinessIt is a paraphrased from a quote by Edward O. Wilson, “the problem of humanity is the following: We have Paleolithic emotions, medieval institutions and godlike technology.”
Damn
Love his take on social media causing general unhappiness in comparing yourself to others... "you're looking at everyone's greatest hits while you're living your gag reel."
59:00
At 21 years of marriage, my wife inherited a substantial amount of money and within a month left me for a guy she met at the gym. We avoided a divorce attorney because I wanted to spare our children a nasty divorce. She was at least reasonable in the divorce, mostly because she knew she was stabbing me in the back. Being tossed aside like that was the most painful experience of my life. To this day, if something reminds me of that time, I feel it all over again. I've moved past my ex, but the pain is there, always waiting to pop its ugly head out.
Lesson of the day: Hit the gym more often.
Is she still with him? How long ago was this? I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through, and I hope your life is going better now, and that you meet your person when you are ready
She was banging him all along dude
Shoulda sued her
I am sorry for your upset. hitting the gym is a symptom she's going to be single.
Just came across this interview and I am so impressed!! I am a widow now but he could have helped me understand marriage better. I wish I had another chance to change some things. Thank you for this interview. Please bring him back!
I have to say, it’s clear he’s bitter, jaded, and misogynistic. I just want to hear more about his 20+ years counseling crazy people
My mother was married and divorced four times before I was 25. I saw what it does to people up close and personal. Before I got married I sat down with future spouse and created a prenup, and 10.5 years later when we decided to call it quits we sat down and split everything just like Jim said, yours, mine and ours. We never fought over anything and 23 years later we're still friends. I 100% agree with Jim's take on marriage. Another outstanding interview Mark!!
This is a fine example of how it should be done. You have my respect.
4 times in 7 years… dang man mom was a mess
Same. I still haven't been married. Lol
Do you regret the marriage
@@RetireandGoyou need to think about what it’ll be like for a kid to grow up with older parent(s)
36:45 - "How are you going to be married to someone, have children with someone, and you can't talk about hard things such as a prenup? How are you going to navigate life together and not be able to talk about hard things? If you can't then don't get married". So very true. Hit the nail on the head.
Prenups should be mandatory, then no difficult conversations will need to be had!
@@Bubbles-od2tv That will most likely never happen unfortunately.
Another fellow Divorce Lawyer here. Exceptional video, and phenomenal insight into what life is really behind the marital curtain. Bravo to all involved 🙌
Is it really though? I've been married for 14 years and I don't recognize much of this. I guess I got lucky in that I married my neighbor/high school sweetheart. She's the only woman I've ever been with and while I find other women attractive - I've never had the inclination to cheat. I'm extremely happy and satisfied with where we are in our relationship. We're in our mid 30s and by the time we're 40 all our kids will be adults and we will be young-ish and still have time to enjoy our life together. Getting married and having kids early in life is really underappreciated.
@@mithrandirthegrey7644you are presenting anecdotal evidence.
@mithrandirthegrey7644 which makes you in the percentage that has no issues. He didn't say 100% and I think that is awesome for you and your spouse.
@mithrandirthegrey7644 very cool, hope she feels the same way.
@@mithrandirthegrey7644 well done
"How do you like to fight?" That's a great question! So many people learn too late and misunderstandings occur, and then it's down the tubes from there!
So sharp, intelligent, and witty. This guy is a dot connector, and a damn good story teller.
He ain't gonna be unemployed...ever.
This man needs to 1000% write literature on marriage. He is so brutally honest and open. Got me sitting here single feeling lucky lol
I believe he's written a couple books! The descriptions mentions some of his work :)
Lucky? That’s dark. I’m sorry you haven’t found someone to share in the amazing milestones and challenges throughout life.
Like this man said 76% of marriages will end before the actual end (of life).
@@itskeagan3004 haha lol 😂 lmao 🤣 even
His knowledge will save a lot of men from horrible wom3nn
Every person on earth needs to watch this interview. Gather in groups. Play it on planes. Show it in theaters. This. Is. Gold.
guy seems like a total jerkoff
Well said
This really should be playing in theaters
I agree, I will make sure my 21 yr old son watches this too. I can remember "my thing" , she never had a thing, she said she always knew we would divorce...
agree
I have to watch this interview multiple times. SO MANY gems in this interview to digest and reflect on!
This guy has so much knowledge he should start a podcast I could listen to him for hours seriously he can teach a lot of us
I had the same exact thougth!
He has - Google him
He was interviewed for over 3 1/2 hours on the Lex Fridman channel about 3 weeks ago.
I don’t think he has the time…
I said the same thing I could have listened to him for so much longer, I agreed with every word. He speaks truth in such an engaging way.
After seeing so many divorces, he clearly still feels very strongly about people being in love. I saw his eyes get red a few times when he was talking about love. What a great interview.
So true, he still believes in the magic
I can't help but notice how he contradicted himself toward the end of the video. Initially, he said people shouldn't look at other relationships and make assumptions about how happy two people are. Then he turned around and made those same assumptions about the couple he and his wife went to Disney World with. Other than that, excellent video. I appreciate his wisdom and insight.
@independ4416 I don't disagree with you but I think at first he was talking about general rules concerning marriage/relationships, and the end story was a personal experience that centered around him and his wife more than the other couple.
But what do I know...
@ungoyone I could be wrong but that personal experience that centered around him and his wife, was influenced by assumptions made from observing the other couple.
Guy behind the camera sucks at talking, maybe an alright interview but the blue tie should have been let to talk
This guy deserves his own podcast, talk show, or RUclips channel. He is infinitely charismatic and entertaining. Most of these interviews are so depressing. It's nice to watch one with a guest who is smart, insightful, interesting, informative and funny as hell. Love this one!
I agree, more of this is needed. Alcoholics and fentanyl addicts aren't very interesting, on average.
hell Yeah.a lot more of these types
@@eugenealymov2723 True. Would have liked to have heard this 36 years ago ! He has a very realistic take on life and marriage
He sounds like a fake ass mayor carcetti from the wire
He is famous actually! He has been invited by a lot of tv talkshows, podcasts etc. Yea but none of his own show
I might be biased as a law student, but this guy said somethings that are so rational. Be like him honestly. This is like one of the best social critism I have read or heard
Wow,this guy speaks for about an hour and he is not boring at all
He's a lawyer, remember? 😊
@@wiedadewi8575 I heard a lawyer talk for 5 min, 5 minute of boring bs make me want to sleep
Crazy that this interview is free tbh. This is pure gold
yeah. People might pay his hourly rate as a lawyer just to hear him do standup comedy or do a TED-style talk one on one in his office.
Stop watching cable/tik tok
Yup
Every interview is free lol
You’re the person that fucks it up for all of us
James Sexton has a book [How To Stay In Love] and a podcast he co-hosts [Argue in Peace]. Both are brilliant... This man's brand of practical honesty is what we need more of. And he's so right about kindness - costs nothing but it can mean so much. Thanks for the conversation, SWU.
Hi, thanx
That is what I thought, he should write a book. And then I read your comment, he is brilliant.
man, i could listen to this guy talk for hours and hours. Please bring him back!
I think this video needs to be added to every pre marriage counseling session. Best marriage advice ever!
Except he didn’t mention the most important thing. The government doesn’t uphold the marriage contract.
Everything was going fine until they said divorce wasn't allowed in Muslim countries. That's false. Divorce is absolutely allowed in Islam.
This video is completely void of any value system…destined to fail
Why?
Too bad about the tatoos . . .
Please bring more episodes with this attorney. This is an extremely smart man and obviously very well versed in what he does. You could maybe even think about making him talk about other entirely different topics. Thank you for what you do Mark
He’s been on other podcasts
I agree. Very well-articulated, intelligent man. I would love to hear his thoughts on many topics.
What he doesn't incorporate is that marriage is a Christian sacrament.
I hung on his every word! Fascinating!
He's a creep
Love this guy! A divorce lawyer who is a romantic at heart after seeing the worst of people.
Well said!
Love this description. Sounds like a good idea for a tv series.
@@jsanabria yes! I really enjoyed this interview, so many great points he made! Very well done 👍🏻
This guy is wise. He’s an attorney w a lot of empathy. Realistic advice. Solid. I like him.
Started out thinking "what a total loud mouth jerk", ended the interview thinking " wish he could be my life coach". As always Mark, the beauty of these interviews is that people are never what you expect. What an amazing interview full of practical life truths.
I had the exact same reaction. Good stuff.
Can I ask what made you think he was a jerk? I'm just curious and trying to learn. Thanks!
@@peppyskeptic for me, I honestly think I judged him too quickly. He made a comment about women (a sex comment) and I assumed he was going to be a sexist. I ended feeling very wrong about my assumption.
You guys judge waaaaay to fast
@@kris9259I hope you don't get judged the way you judge
To me this was by far the best SWU interview I've seen. This guy is incredibly wise. It also reminds me how rare my parents were. My parents first met when they were 12 years old, started dating when they were 14, got legally married when they were 16, & stayed married until my Mom died at the age of 82 (3 years ago). My dad was so devastated and lost when my Mom died, he only lived another 7 months.
This was so pure it made me tear up
@@skinnypete3104 Thanks for your reply.
So wholesome. now im crying
That is a beautiful story, your parents were very lucky
same thing happened with my grandparents - grandpa died less than a year after grandma's passing, even though he was much healthier than her. but in their case it was codependence, not healthy love.
His views on marriage are pragmatic, without being jaded. James is a captivating story teller. I hope you bring him back.
I really like this guy. I could listen to him for hours, even though there's a bit i dont agree with. He dropped so many gems in this interview too. So insightful. ❤️ Hope to see him again!
"Whoever came up with the word Soulmate, we divorce lawyers should be paying that person dividends." Pure Gold!!!
Some people do find Soul mates but it 1percent.
@@ClarisNdoroRealEstateWrong. Given the total number of people in the world, the chances your soulmate happens to live in the same city or work at the same company are zero. It’s a nonsensical term invented for romance novels and movies.
Off topic ... he resembles Robert Dinero.
Yes, 100%. And later, he expands on that point a little bit, and it totally is that idea that one person is going to be EVERYTHING for you. It's ridiculous. I am married to a woman from a more "traditional" culture, let's say, and the most remarkable difference is the expectations. I'm not expected to want to go dress up in pink and watch the Barbie movie, and she's not expected to be interested in my sports. We're allowed to be our own people, unapologetically.
I believe soulmates are made, not born. I know my best friend for 14 years, good times and troubles, we share the exact same brain at this point. That's what I call a soulmate.
60:00 phenomenal interview. I had an aunt who died at almost 80 after about 60 years married. My uncle in a private moment told me, life without her never occurred to him. They went through so much together and still maintained their love and devotion to each other, despite war, exile, etc.
This video should be played to every teenager as they leave high school and be used as pre-marriage classes. Absolutely the most valuable video on all of RUclips.
I was thinkin the same thing
@LemonadeLiberal Yes! They should be weary about marriage just like the straight community! ;-D
Agreed! I also think a pre-nup should be a standard part of obtaining a marriage license... or any other legal form process that needs to be filed before 2 people can wed!!!
I love the comments!
@@mo_bra3340 it literally makes no sense that its not a part of the process considering how often marriage fails
He was so great! Gave me some good advice on how to improve and make my marriage “right”. He’s absolutely right marriage is hard, but sometimes if you can work through the hard times, the payoff of the happiness and joy of staying married to the best person to party with it’s so so worth it! He’s worth it!
This guy NEEDS his own show or podcast. So entertaining, wise and down to earth it’s incredible. Literally breath taking. One of if not the best interview I’ve ever seen. Hands down.
He has written books about it
@@annavaljakkawhat are they called?
He also have RUclips videos James J. Sexton
Here here
We need a part 2! Bravo! As someone who has been married for 17 years and wants to stay married, this guy is dropping jewels and is worth listening to! ❤
@melanierose, I agree. I would welcome a "Part 2".
Uhhh I’m not sure theres too much left too discuss cuz this seemed pretty d@mn exhaustive on its own 😆 Dude did a very thorough job on the first pass!
@@uselessvideopeople like sequels tho even if they suck. This applies to marriage too...
@@hanskloss7726 Lol. True indeed.
Get his book.
This video should actually be shown to everyone before they get married...its actually so insanely insightful
They won’t listen. 😅
@@jefaspirit probably true
If a women is not willing to have a real conversation and sign a prenup, a man "MUST" believe she is only in for her own gains. Walk away immediately
It wouldn't be profitable for the marriage business...
AGREED!! I’m so glad I watched this
Gawwwd Dammm, who is this guy? I could listen to him for hours. Just finished the video and I had to watch it a second time!! This guy is dropping golden nuggets, this video will go down as one of the greatest of all times!! Goat status 🐐🐐🐐🐐
"Why would you want to learn how to fight, IN A FIGHT??"
That hit home for me.
This whole podcast was a revelation. True enlightenment from a marriage soldier. He fights for each side but he soldiers forward.
Really really enjoyed the podcast.
That said while his thesis is that marriage is an outdated and failed technology he didn’t present an alternative to raising children.
Mom lives on oak street and Dad on maple in the same town?
Single moms? A bunch of bitches in the same house? Single dads?
Dad gets every Wednesday night and every other weekend (vanilla visitation schedule).
If my sons want kids what are they supposed to do? Live in the basement while mom upstairs? Bird nesting? (Dad and mom alternate weeks in same house and buzz off on alternate weeks)
Its easy to criticize; it’s hard to synthesize.
I know a lot of us, sometimes myself included, think that attorneys are scumbags but this guy is spot on! He should be a marriage counselor as well.
True especially the end.
They’re predatory scumbags the lot of them
He should be a youth counselor.
In presales...
at the end I was: "I still wanna play in the lottery" hahahaha
This is one of Mark's best interviews. This guy is great, consulting with him should be a prerequisite for marriage.
This!! He would be great at that!
We need a second interview with him please!
POST MARRIAGE..SAY REVIEW in 1, 3, 5 10 yrs ..why do people separate after 25 30 yrs??? How crazy is that?
I see president's CEOs, Generals grabbing arm candy so what happened to 1st or 2nd..1 very famous CEO married 4-5 times
Secretary
Secretary
Secretary
Secretary?
Engineer
How many times did he not get this..INTELLIGENCE is a PART of conjugation
My genius engineer roommate never learned as still stayed with Secretary after 3 to 4 times
This was nothing but gold for the entire hour he spoke. This video should be a requirement to watch when you apply for a marriage license!
Absolutely
It ought to be; great suggestion!!
And when you want to teach children what sexist talk sounds like.
@@thematriarchy2075 lawyers live in reality and reflect the experience they've had/are having - not the aspiration of a future, perfectly egalitarian society. How is it sexist to suggest people thoroughly evaluate marriage and understand it's a legal contract - not a guarantee of anything? This is just real talk, nothing more.
@@LP-123 Are you sure you listened to all of it, because i can't imagine you missed those mysoginistic parts.
This guy needs his own show! Extremely entertaining and insightful.
Dude
Facts
He wrote a book actually lol
The purpose of marriage isn't to be happy, it's to grow together. Happiness is a byproduct of a well maintained marriage. Whether you're single or married happiness flows in and out like the tide for all humans.
You phrased this beautiful 🤍
Absolutely
you should be "growing together" even before marriage .. marriage should literally serve no purpose besides being mere celebration of togetherness
Well said my friend
No, the purpose of marriage was to tie one man to one woman, who could then support the children that were called urchins or sold at markets, females getting pregnant and all property owned by males makes it hard to support children on your own, an incredibly tough time to be female. Child Support originated from this.
This lawyer was amazing. His view points so realistic and in this decade ...
Honesty is admirable
"I don't think I can learn eveything I need to know about myself from myself." - This hit like a truck as I've never heard it verbalized from another person so perfectly. I would kill to go out to dinner with this guy and just talk. What a fascinating human being.
So true
Listen.. I felt that 100%.. we tend to get offended and deny when someone tells us about ourselves. Him saying that makes it make sense.
CLEO me too. I bet he could've saved me a whole lot of heartbreak.
This has to be one of the best monologues I've ever heard. Absolutely epic, and should be watched before a marriage license is issued.
Yesssss
Absolutely AGREE !!
¨Whoever discovered water, wasn´t a fish. When we are in a thing, we don´t see it¨. Damn, incredibly profound statement.
Could you elaborate it? I couldn't really understand what the meaning of it
@@Teurab the fish is always in water. He doesn’t see it as water because he doesn’t know anything different and he’s always in the middle of it.
In this context he used it as an analogy to say, when we are in a relationship we might not see the flaws of the other person or think about how it could go badly or turn out in the end because we are right in the middle of the relationship and we don’t think about those things.
I think we always see the issue, but we deny it. We build a whole explanation to it, to cover it up. And in the end, when we don't want to justify it anymore, and see it for what it really is, that's when it's over
It's a John Culkin quote. He was an advisor to the creators of Sesame Street.
Reminds me of This is Water by David Foster Wallace
Incredible interview. Thank you!
Literally, one of the wisest people I ever listened to, and ie listened to over 10,000 lectures, interviews and podcasts. This man is a gift to humanity.
We're 57 yrs old, been married for 36 yrs, together for 40. It's been hell and its been great. Glad we never gave up and that we still make the effort to keep things going.
I’m happy you BOTH wanted to keep things working. I think that’s key. Even on bumping roads.
Yawn
Its work all that you put in you will get out. The hell portion is what u chose. It didnt have to happen
My wife loves when I send her Good morning texts .
@@pepper1188 Staying happily married is just like anything else worth having, it takes work. If you sit on the couch night after night eating a bag of chips, you're going to have the body that reflects that life style. Marriage is no different. You want a healthy happy marriage, you need to work at it. In our 40 yr relationship we've had our ups and downs for sure, but we've always wanted to keep up the work to bring it back.
Prompted by James' advice about the little things - I just wrote a message to my husband about how much I appreciate how hard he works for us on a stickie note and put it in his wallet so he sees it in the morning. I do appreciate him and should tell him more rather than assume he knows. Thank you for the reminder.
Sweet. ❤. Nice to hear
Men already know that our only value comes from what we can provide.
Nothing wrong with acknowledging that.
But if you really want to blow his mind, give him a compliment.
Most guys go decades without a compliment. We remember every single one because they're so rare.
Tell him he's good looking and why. If you do it right, he'll remember that moment for the rest of his life.
@@mikey92362 That's important information, thank you...I have to admit it broke my heart a little.
Thank you@@mikey92362 I will do that as well. Thanks for the insight as to not only tell him he's good-looking but why.
Now next time write him a note that you will give him a BJ tonight and then do it. With high heels on. He will love you forever.
can we have more soft white underbelly interviews like this with super educated people and hear their opinions? I love it so fascinating
In a way, the soft white underbelly of marriage is divorce.
Honestly I love this guy he has a great personality and deff giving a real glimpse on things that don’t get talked about enough
“Marriage is an inherently negligent activity. It’s like owning a lion.” This man picked the right career. It’s like working in the funeral or the liquor business. It will go on.
I don't think the romantic type of love is special. And I am started to think that the romantic type of love isn't real. I mean about more than half of romantic couples either break up with each other or divorce each other, while most platonic best friends remain friends until death.
I think that having a platonic best friend is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse is.
Having someone who's like a sibling to you is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse. Also, you are more likely to be much more closer to someone who's like a brother or sister to you than you would be with a romantic partner or spouse.
People tend to fight with their partner or spouse a lot more than they do with a platonic best friend, and you never fight with your best friend the way you fight with your partner or spouse.
Partners and spouses are just temporary. If you break up or divorce them, it's hard to go back to them. With your platonic best friend, you're going to make things work, because they are your best friend, they are your go to partner. It's always easier to make amends with them than it is with a romantic partner or spouse.
Romantic relationships are pointless, while platonic relationships are not.
@@icysnow57cold64 you make a fine point. I really appreciate this perspective.
It's hard to remember to not bang your friends
Whatever works.
That's where you're wrong, marriage is coming to an end. Marriage rates are declining rapidly. In 10 years, he may have to switch his legal focus to something else.
This was super refreshing. He’s unapologetically candid and authentic, while also being knowledgeable and relatable. If only our politicians were like this guy.
Why do people feel the need to bring politics into everything … go rewatch the video, you missed 99percent of it.
Politicians aren’t relatable. They have to think about everything they speak and are forbidden from speaking candidly in fact most of these fucks read their speeches no one speaks from the heart
"You're going to die, does that undermine your life?" Is such a great way to look at this whole thing, honestly. This was a very good conversation to have.
It’s the 1 thing you can count on 😂
In divorce your waman will take at least half of your money and property, your children too more importantly. You will loose your friends and family who will almost certainly not be on your side. Death is preferable for many who go trough this.
@@bone6495yup, divorce is not something you want.
He has at least 1 other interview on RUclips where he's quite different. Still very smart, wise, etc, but he's far more reserved and proper. He's a fantastic person. So intelligent.