These parents are like woodworkers who cut everything the wrong size, then kick the table they built because it's wobbly. Theyre not difficult parents theyre bad people period.
@@websurfer5772 I didn't know that. Maybe it's got something to do with at least not having as many habits of dishonesty that would avoid resolving issues.
@@Candy-O1776 It might help to try to write things out step by step. From multiple perspectives, multiple formats, maybe even multiple pages. I have occasionally found that a helpful tool to move closer towards a sense of peace and internal organization is to fully express the situation to the maximum degree that your mind can process. One step at a time, until it is thoroughly packaged and all dark corners the mind trips over in that situation have been illuminated. Doing this thoroughly enough that your mind is satisfied that you've finished everything it can do regarding the situation might let your mind relax a bit and take some of the self-inflicted part of the pressure off. For specific tools, I suggest long form writing, point form notes, making diagrams, timelines, charts, whatever tools your brain needs in order to understand and express the information. This is for you first and foremost. I hope this information can be of use to you and others. Worst case scenario, you've spent a few minutes journalling.
@@Candy-O1776yes same thing in my family members I have been blamed for everything that bad that has happened even though I no longer talk or included in anything anytime anymore and I had five adult children..and I hear from no of them 😢and my mother and other friends or family members are basically all on the bandwagon.. so I m. The space goat and black sheep..I'm not only one in the family that got any help therapy had over 30 yrs of therapy...😢. Haven't been in therapy for over a year...
The best choice I made in my life was to cut off all communication with my family. I don’t go there for Christmas, no happy birthdays, nothing. I wish them the best but I don’t miss them. It was hard at the beginning but now I am doing fine. We are all adults and life’s too short to waste on people who are just not capable of love empathy and compassion.
What really helped me was forgiveness. I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion. But cuting ties is still rebelling . I sorted out the situation and accepted to be the only grown up around. I have emotional maturity now and treat my parents as children ,with compassion. In the end , with my own family's dynamic that I think is healthy, my parents being around but dis-activated, I became the pillar of something positive. It's only working because they can't hurt me anymore, and this to me is a the sing of complete personnal healing.
Some families are more toxic than others, it's great if the scapegoat forgives but in some cases, it's best they stay away. Forgiveness doesn't mean you need to go back in the tiger's cage. I think it's great that you see them as they are and nothing they say or do can bother you. That truly is emotional maturity and strength.
Please remember that the scapegoat and the problem child are NOT always the same child. They're also NOT always the loud or rambunctious child. It is very possible to have a family dynamic where the scapegoat or the problem child is the exact OPPOSITE of everyone else in the family and that's why they're targeted. Example: think of Cinderella's family dynamic. She was naive, genuinly kind, helpful, and loving. Her stepmother and step sisters weren't and it caused her so many problems for years.
Yes, exactly! I never was a "bad/ rebellious" kid, though that's how I was made out to be. It bothers me how the speaker says one minute scapegoats are truth tellers, then the next, they're being rebellious.... without even touching on that often just being demonization. What about those of us who were never rebellious in any way except not being two faced and dysfunctional like other family members?
@@j.k.6089, I don't think he's wrong. Just unbalanced in his assessment like the vast majority of people. Most people don't think about the opposite of themselves because they don't have to. It's outside of their purview and they have the privilege of ignoring it always. I'm usually on the opposite side of most people so I have to be aware and conscious at all times about both and the in between. If anything, just please remember both sides and the middle.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
If I defended myself against untrue accusations, I was told, "Defensiveness is proof of guilt." Yet, when I remained silent, I was told, "Silence is admission of guilt." When I repeated those back to my parents saying both couldn't be true, things got exponentially worse for me.
He isn’t accounting for malevolence or the fact that we are in fact being led by untrustworthy people. In a relationship also I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up in the responsible gender role because for these guys “safe person” is someone who lies back and takes patriarchal abuse. “Good” vs “bad” conditioning is their binary construct. There’s a whole other video that coaches people on how they need to tolerate living in an unjust society. If you do this you’ll keep getting scapegoated. We integrate that part not let go of it. You *want* to be unsafe for people who want to use you.
Our family actually had 2 scapegoats. When I left at 18, my 12 year old brother had already been groomed to take over as the scapegoat. I’m now 72, he is 66. 2 of our siblings became paranoid schizophrenic, 1 committed suicide, 1 is physically and emotionally disabled. We, the scapegoats, ultimately overcame our upbringing.
Oh dear, so so sorry. Two of our sisters have died also and one is full narc and the other one left, to her credit, is struggling but trying to get out of the Narc paradigm. It’s because she’s sincerely trying to please God. Without him in her life, she would never ever try.
I’m so sorry about your family. And I agree that being the scapegoat gives us amazing self-preservation super powers. I (the scapegoat) was the first to embark on a self-healing journey but my older siblings started healing many years later. Today we are all still healing but on the journey together. That said, we all went through dark times that could’ve resulted in suicide or being disabled physically/psychologically. Healing is actually a life-saving procedure! Just interesting that I’ve always noticed I was the most psychologically healthy/stable… even though I was the scapegoat and went through dark times….
My older brother and I were both the scape goats. I was the most and biggest truth Teller. My father was the family problem. He was violent. He tried to kill several of us. He killed our mother almost our step mother. We were orphaned and foster kids because of my dad. I stood up to my Dad's lies. Before he died he told me I was the best kid and the most obedient. He prepared me for after he died telling me he ruined the Golden spoiled narcissist child my brother. He said my brother never meant me well. I was an object of hatred jealousy and envy sabotage. Getting pulled down after I helped All of my family and none of them ever helped me. I would say I was the strongest and I survived without them All after I left home I was the first of 6 to leave move out and live my own life. I've always had peace within myself I've never lied to myself. I'm not in denial like they All are. They are All screwed up to this day I'm the only normal one
That's tragic but I wanted to say that is ironically very similar to my family. I find it interesting that paranoid schizophrenia seems to run in families with a lot of abuse
You don't have to cause problems to be set up as a scapegoat. It's enough to be sensitive. This gift is a threat, a ‘problem’, for a dysfunctional system.
yes but if you spoke up for people because of that sensitivity, and weren't just sensitive but empathetic and called out liars and abusers, then got abused for doing that, it's a lot more traumatizing
I don't think that's really true because I think abusers love it when you don't talk more because then you'll never learn how to stand up for yourself.
That's true. The parent who uses you as a scapegoat will recognise quite soon in your life your sensitive and beautiful nature and you then become their targeted child. I also think other dynamics played a part like being a girl. I became the apple of my grandad's (her dad's) eye - so throw in jealousy and resentment and the scapegoat was born!
I'm the Scape goated child in my family or the black sheep as I used to think of it. It's true we are the only honest one not because we are saints and always tell the truth. But because we are in a unique position that we didn't choose. But we only benefit from the truth. We are so affected by the way those around us use lying and gaslighting as a power play. Truth becomes our only ally. It's the only thing we have left to turn to.
Exactly this. Exactly this. Jordan Peterson said something I had to write down because it hit so well, “When you tell the truth you live by the axiom of faith that nothing better can happen than that which will happen if you tell the truth.” It’s definitely been the only way for me to get by, too. Very difficult to navigate finding balance in understanding why people lied and becoming passive to it with family or people I’d grown close to , and having also zero tolerance for it simultaneously because my body is viscerally rejecting being lied to. I learned to bring the gentle to the no tolerance and ask questions kindly for someone to repeat themselves or make eye contact and just give them a change to be honest instead. Definitely been a journey. ❤️🩹
@@kirsten1007my older sister told me to stop explaining myself to everyone so much. She could see my desperation to be seen for what is true and not all the assumptions that could be made. She really helped me come off the ledge about that and learn to soften and know when it’s necessary and when to say as little as possible. I still make mistakes sometimes with that but it’s not a huge swing anymore of doing it with unconscious guilt and rejecting my own power to validate myself whether I’m heard truthfully or not. We can’t make someone let go of their preconceived biases, but we can show kindly we won’t tolerate being treated badly because of them.
Me too... I know how it feels but only God can change us into a new person if we just get right with God. .I send love to everyone.... Find peace and don't trust them again ... They may even kill u . 😮❤
I've avoided my family most of my adult life and tried coming back home once and it was horrible. Happily living on my own again 800 miles away from them all. God is good!
@ellinorglorioso2247 I live about 45 mi from them but they don't exist to me and I'm happy I forgive them they have no power over me and I'm all the happier now that I put them out of my life more than 20 years ago.
Some parents just don't care, they want their kids to act like robots because to them, no emotion or reaction means a well-behaved kid. In reality, it's a kid traumatized by fear.
And they don't understand its fear half the time. They just think everyone can't help them and doesn't want too. It becomes so much stranger to learn they don't see it because they are all part of the lie to make themselves feel like it isn't the truth.
More specifically, we are restricted to one emotion, Happy, and to a quiet reaction even with that. The trauma comes from having to suppress or repress all of the normal emotions that come from being human - joy, sadness, fear, happiness, pain, worry, etc. - along with the normal responses to those emotions - laughter, tears, sighs, shouts, etc. Anything less than a Happy and Quiet child is seen by these parents as a failure on THEIR part. Such were my parents.
Same for the teens and grown kids - they also have egos where the answer is always to blame someone else. I've just been to some channels where in the parents are narcs or codependent in the skits and not the one in therapy. (I've never had kids so I have no horse in the race.)
I used to refer to my conception givers as parental units who are in the blue screen of death mode from problems with their hardware. People used to laugh except one of my neighbors who realized how dehumanizing it was for me to say that.
@@Healed2Day Certainly, darling. I'm just sorry you're in a family where you have to use my same silly word to describe it. 😞 Hugs to you, my friend (sorry we're in the same dreadful boat).
The PROBLEM child is the HONEST one! Thank you! ❤ proud to be the scapegoat for 59 years! Thank you for explaining to the rest of the world what we scapegoats have always seen and known with our own eyes no matter how much we get gaslit and told we are crazy and making stuff up! No! I was ASKING for HELP! Thank you for this very spot-on and educational video!! ❤
@Pixie-ix1so I am so grateful to all the mental health professionals and online therapists out there with channels like this one and all the survivors out there who share their stories and validate one another. 🙏 Being gaslit whether on purpose or not about your own reality while simultaneously being blamed as the family scapegoat for everything that is wrong in your family system is very destabilizing on a person's mental health and something that can only be understood by trained professionals and other survivors of the same. I hope more people will understand that while forgiveness is good it is not always healthy or wise for people to remain in these situations. Sometimes, no contact is the best choice. Thank you! Peace ☮️
Almost 56 years here! I’m the only one who would speak my opinion and would not just conform like a soldier! I was told I was too sensitive and crazy! Thank you! It’s nice to know it’s not just me!❤
65 years the problem child 19 years no contact with siblings parents both gone still unwinding from my role but living best I can hang in there everyone
@JustLikeJulia9 Get over it! You're stuck in the past! Be happy damnit! You can't take a joke! Oh, just go with the flow! You just can't be happy! You wear your heart on your sleeve! Don't be a victim! All of these things are said in order to shut someone down and dismiss and invalidate their experience. I have been hearing these statements my whole life from the time I was a small child and a lot of these statements were made by well meaning people who just didn't know my true story and misunderstood the situation. People begin to HEAL when they feel HEARD and understood. I hear you, I believe you, and I understand you. Thank you 💗 😊 💓
And getting addicted to alcohol or/and drugs, because there is no other way out. Some of them do never discover how they become addicts and the reason of it all, their whole life until their death. emotional suppression/ support system/ looking like It's their only way out, and then It becomes a habit.
Cristine Heimlich here. Yes dear you nailed it!! I was hurt, blamed, just emotionally tortured as a small child. I was hurt and then hurt some more for having feelings. So sad that " hurt people...hurt people"
now my kids are just like them. Can't get away unless I walk away. did that once and end result was someone I love died then I needed their help for a short time.
I was the scapegoat. I left to the cess pool called " my family" when i was in high school. I'm nearly 70 and so thankful that the world has so many resources about dysfunctional families. 💝🙏💝= Love from my heart to yours!
@@Thalanox There are so many ways that dysfunction is is expressed and experienced that I'd have a hard time giving a reference. It would also depend on what your preexisting knowledge is regarding this topic. I started back in the day with John Bradshaw and ACOA Adult Children Of Alcoholics (even though alcohol was not used by my parents). ACOA is a blend of the 12 Step program and the dysfunctional family structure. I feel that not using drugs or alcohol has allowed me to have a clear head as I dealt with life. And reduced pitfalls and complications that so often come with those environments and lifestyles. I wish you strength, courage, support and joy on your journey!💝🙏🏻💝
@@laurabarber6697we had a family friend named Renee and she was 16 when she shot herself but her family were alcoholics they treated her the bastard like I was treated I miss her so much I was only about five when she killed herself but I still remember her.❤
My parents abandoned, constantly criticised & advised & insulted & terrified my brother. He was the scapegoat. I was the superhero, doing everything my mother told me to do. My brother was extremely smart & really compassionate. My parents murdered him with their words & actions & neglect. The teachers & mental health tried to help him. Tried to house him. My brother was traumatically bonded to the house, and to the past...when parents were a little more invested in being & doing. My mother, brother & i were subjected to emotional, psychological, verbal & physical violence, with being threatened with death by my father if we told anyone. This stuff kills people. I no longer trust or believe in anything or anyone. God help us all.
Now you know where you are, emotionally ... I hope you find a sense of hope from these videos (and other sources, as needed) as I have. Mini-steps. 🕊✌️🦋
We're the descendents of those who abandoned God & thus carry on the tradition of punishing ourselves & each other. I cry quite often on behalf of this cruel world. 😔
I refuse to play "Happy Family" with people who are abusive to me. There was a mixture of these roles for me. It's not all easily delineated but there's still a lot of knowledge here that helps me. Thank you for this.
I was the scapegoat until I escaped from my family. Ironically when I married, my husband's family made me the scapegoat. I am now in the middle of a divorce from them and my husband. I look forward to feeling physically well again. I believe freedom is calling me.
@@NancyCausey The same thing happened to me with marriage except I just cut his family off and I kept him. lol It wasn't that easy though. 10+ years of therapy and here on I am on videos like this so.... I respect your decision and I wish you all the best health and happiness in the future.
I’m the scapegoat - black sheep! An empath and a warrior . Thank you glad to have that honour amongst my family of narcissists! Healed and forgiven , bless them all. Tim you’ve explained the scapegoat so well …. That was me my entire life!
do you have a family of your own or any one with whom to partner and bond? It's hard to do all this life solo...I had no problem being single but we're not meant to do all this with out partnership. Just wondering
@@Jennifer-gr7hn it is 100% possible to do all this without partnership. i've been doing it ever since i moved out at 18, so for 20 years now (i'm 38). lifelong single and no kids here. it sucks at first, but once you learn to not be lonely and love yourself, you savor your absolute freedom. every time a coworker complains about their spouse or kids, i can't help but smile cus i'll never have to deal with any of that mess or drama.
You are so right. I'm the scapegoat and I'm the only honest one in my family. I'm 55 years old and still struggling with the aftermath of this family abuse 😢
My own role as scapegoat was difficult to understand for me for a long, long time: I didn't have to be overtly rebellious, I was just there to be denigrated, disqualified, sidelined. With me at the sidelines, I realized, the family without me was soo much more stable, even happier. I distanced myself at the age of 16 or 17, emotionally and geographically, and it worked for some time, as if we were suddenly a more mature family. What I didn't realize was: I was being taken, "sucked" back in so that I could be the scapegoat again the family needed so desperately. I started to emotionally distance myself again, but didn't do so geographically. I still felt the need to be able to help, if necessary. Good idea, I know.🤦🏻♂️ And then I watched in horror, that my parents and siblings had started to take that pattern to the next level: the next generation. They started to treat my son as scapegoat, as not good enough and so forth while his cousins were the ones he should take for example. While the cousins and my son themselves were always close and grew up together, never taking part in this abuse, it is simply mind-blowing how the family without me seems to feed from the pattern and tries to assign the role to me I was meant to fill from childhood. I couldn't protect me as a child, of course, but I am fiercely protecting my son with openness, caution and awareness. Is this a characteristic or special pattern someone else has experience with? I still think there's room for improvement, so I'd love to hear from you! Thanks so much for bearing with me and: 🙋🏻♂️ 🫂 💙
I'm 54 and just got arrested for death threas, am facing eviction, and have been in nearly ten fights this summer ..yet this feels better than when i don't have any problems. When life is going perfectly well i get suicidal!!
I was six or seven when my mother hurled that at me. "Everything was fine until you came!" 35 years later married in Canada it burst out of her again. In Turkish, of course, so my husband wouldn't understand. Phsycholigical abuse day after day aided by her golden child until I stopped contact a year ago. They made me sick. It's very hard to be without a family, but this way I am at peace with myself. Still missing a family, but not this one.
Good for you. I celebrate each day being on my own and don't look too far ahead. Really helps to stop fatalistic thoughts like 'where will I end up'....
I left my family at 17 I'm now nearly 70. I still long for/ wish I had a healthy family. I never married or had children. The Need to belong is universal. I love you dear one!💝🙏💝
My birthing unit told everyone I was a trouble maker. She blamed me for everything that went wrong with our "family". I walked away over 20 years ago and I'm currently dealing with this. Thank you for showing me that I'm not alone. 🙏🏽❤️
Scapegoat here! I remember thinking at 11 that every one was crazy or I was. I have 3 children of my own now, and my daughter told me a few weeks ago that I broke the cycle. Good for us!
I was definitely the rebellious child. I had to make a critical decision early on when my suicidal tendencies was at their peak and I chose life. I have many family members who lost that battle and I learned much from them. I will never again sacrifice my mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being to placate people who don't see me for who I am.
@@cheesecakefan48802.5 yrs no contact with sibling and low contact with narc mom. Abusive dad passed in 2021. All I can say is wish I cut ties decades ago. I'm almost 49. So much more peace these days.
Good for you , I cut contact with my mum , sisters because I kept getting accused of being wicked the reasons were with time I declined to help anyone financially.
@@j.m9189your right , and you owe no one any explanation as to your actions. We are like elephant's with our memory. My family I love them because of my humanity but as family they don't rate. I was able to vent not to long ago and it rooled of my tongue the truth and it hit the target. Didn't set out to vent but the opportunity presented itself.👊☘️They all know their parts. I don't carry around any resentments. I don't do drama especially other people's. I'm not vindictive I don't think about revenge. I wouldn't know what to do anyway. I just continue like always, on my own terms. ✌️
I was told to stop being so sensitive, I was told I was acting like a martyr, all kinds of things everytime I tried to express myself, my feelings, the truth about a situation, stand up for myself...my mom was wonderful, it was my older sister, and stepdad...that were my downfall
Yeah. Older sisters can be dangerous. Mine grew up to be a school counselor, then she retired and became a Methodist preacher. I am still the weird sister that nobody associates with, but I have a wonderful husband and eight children, all but one of which get along with each other, and my husband and I, fine. The other one? She is a lot like my sister.
@@jenster29Why are you nit picking? My mom did her best to be there for me too She had problems of her own Please listen to the words that were said rather than deflecting
Oh dear, I've got something that just may be a little worse than that...., the 8 year old child being scapegoated when she had just lost both parents within 10 months . I'm 52 now and still remember the rage I felt when my pompous uncle said it was our father's wishes u call us mum & dad (small caps intended)...., to which I spat out, f@ck off u fat bastard, your not my father (no filter). He backhanded me so hard I fell down half the stairs & said she's trouble, get rid of her!....., a month later I was packed off to boarding school.
My cousin was the "problem child" in her family. She ended up dying before she made it to her twenties. I was so angry with the adults in my extended family for never helping her and going along with the narrative that she was a bad kid when all of them knew her parents were alcoholics.
In my experience, this is why I amd I'm sure others who identify with being scapegoated, are the first to be jettisoned from the family unit. Liars, cheats, and malignant narcissists hate those who know the truth and hold them accountable.
But narcisdists look outside the family for someone who has been damaged before. They have a taste for scapegoats since we have not lost all our sensitivity and they like passional people. They don't want to be with dull people and they know how to touch our wounds and know what we crave. That's why is so important for us to detect them asap and fail their tests. Inside of our family we are a commodity until we wake up, then we become the worst threat of all.
I too was the problem child. My Dad both hid and kept me from getting help for the things he had done. I was the "loser" that hid in his room. The one that just won't "try". I found an identity in being the bad boy. By 9th grade there wasn't anything I wouldn't do. I was a human crime wave. I left for the service the day after I turned 18, best thing I ever did. Suddenly I wasn't a loser anymore. Life was "happy". This was new! People liked it when I did a good job. So it went for years, good career and good friends. A visit home and I am stupid again. Life and me, suck. I kept trying to get approval at home. All I got was jealousy and backstabbing. Finally I got some real help from a therapist and saw thing for what they are. Now the re-parenting part starts. Yea, Tim is right. True feelings based on facts... hurt. But I know the truth about my dysfunctional family. I was the only honest one. That's why I never fit in.
I simply left home at sixteen and got on with my own life. I think I realised from the age of 5 or 6 that my parents were incompetent. Looking at people around me, I realised that most adults didn't have a clue how the world works and I wasn't interested in their approval. As I got older, I didn't take the scapegoat label so personally. That's not to say it didn't hurt, but it takes time and experience to get perspective. There's a pattern in our wider family of a 10-15 year gap between the first child or two, and the next batch. That's almost a generation gap between siblings. We were also a combined family. If you're the kind of child that notices things, that's a lot of opportunities to understand how your parents were different people in different relationships, and how they're repeating the same mistakes with the much younger children. I was finally able to heal because I didn't have my parents on a pedestal to begin with. They were just people, and my world never revolved around them. I managed to make friends with my mum in my 30s. But that's different to expecting any mothering. Personally, I think the scapegoat child is always going to be disruptive because they feel more autonomous and equal to their parents. Hence the truth telling.
@@GlasPthalocyanine I see your point. When your guard is up 24/7, you see things, and see them differently than others do. The truth is often your weapon of choice.
I’m soon to be sixty-one and I’m still the scapegoat of the family. Thank you for helping me understand how I grew up to be neurotic. I’ve healed and am in a healthy friendship. All the hard work of healing and transformation has been worth it.
I was the honest “problem child”, I didn’t become rebellious. I always tried to do things as well and good as possible. Since my school environment was rather safe and well functioning I was a well functioning high grade-student that got along well with my classmates and teachers. I remember my mother telling me in my early adulthood that she was surprised when I was a young child and she had asked my teacher if they had much problems with me and he had answered that I was an exemplary student. Me trying to function well as an adult is a different story.
Through YT I learned I was the scapegoat child. As a kid, I couldn’t figure out why EVERYONE in my family hated me. I tried so hard to get them to like me, it only made them all hate me more. An awful way to start life, a complete mind F they took me 40 years to finally understand why it happened and that I wasn’t crazy. I went no contact with them 30 years ago at 16. They can all be miserable together without me!!! 💪😎 best decision ever
Oh, he was talking about my life. I’m highly sensitive and I was the scapecoat. In my teens I was rebelling, drinking and acting up. My mother sent me to a psychiatrist, but played a victim and told that she has no idea what is wrong with me and she’s very worried. She knows how to pull those tears out at the correct time. The psychiatrist then berated me for being an ungrateful brat. And my mother stirred up her sisters against me etc. But she never mentioned anyone what my sadistic sociopath father and her were doing to me.
This sounds like me up to a point, my dad was fine although believed my mother over me and I really think he occasionally saw the light but circumstances and my rebellion made it difficult. I was the problem from day one as an undiagnosed autistic in the family (my dad was pretty much definitely on the spectrum too but his brother and my cousin were more severely affected, as were two other male cousins on my dad's side-all diagnosed but I was a girl in the late 50s early 60s so they overlooked it in me).
Big hug to you. God loves you so so much. As a scapegoat battling depression from my family parents siblings and my ex narc husband, i want to tell you, thank you for being incredibly brave. I'm proud of you.
I was some 65 years old when I realised that I have been the scapegoat my entire life. Not only in childhood but right through my marriage and divorce and treated as such by my grown children. It's a rather shocking revelation, but at least it helps to try to make sense of it. Thanks for this video.
I am the scapegoat, only in my 30's did I start realizing how disfunctional my family really is. They never face issues, rather sweep them under the rug and pretend they don't exist. I started pointing it all out and through my honesty I have now been labeled the bad person. They can not handle the truth that they so desperately try to ignore. So I now do not have contact with most of them anymore. Just to add, I married a fellow scapegoat who also is the one always telling the truth. Together we are strong in our beliefs and morals and not delusional and that bonds us.
All these comments are so validating. I almost unalived myself following a brutal public humiliation that was enacted by them. Post survival, I went NC and focused on my own healing and growth. They can continue to smear my name all they want. I’m moving forward.
My family has publicly humiliated me also. I had a mental breakdown that night, and I've been struggling with unaliving ideations my whole life b/c of them.
I didn't even realize that I was the scapegoat until recently. My family of origin and I parted ways 8 years ago and I am 67 years old now. I blinded myself to the dysfunction all those years. And now my eyes are wide open. It was very traumatic for me to realize that I was hated by them for years and that they just "put up with me" and talked about me behind my back. I am so lucky to be out of that mess. I just hope that someday I can forget the pain they caused me. I never felt that I belonged, either in my home town or in my family. I was always the one who expressed her true feelings. I was open and honest. They were secretive and never shared themselves with me. Now, I have a family with whom I can be myself and I am a loved and valued member of my family.
I was the golden child during my youth, but the older and the further away from my family I got (both literally and figuratively), the more I realized how majorly screwed up it was, and how there was no penetrating the miasma of disfunction and gaslighting. So I rebelled, and over time, received the mantel of the scapegoat, which had formerly been worn by my older sister.
@@jellyroll2102this sounds exactly like my situation!!! I’ve realized my mother is a Narcissist, and at her age of 81; she still doesn’t take accountability for how any of us 6 children turned out!!! I speak my mind, and truth, yet anytime I go to visit; I’m to blame for getting my brother to have a change in his behavior; he’s 54, I have another brother 57; they now are living with her since my Dads death, she’s always favored boys, rather than us girls….. jealousy I presume… and she’s still jealous when I talk to my brothers are the “ Scapegoat “ older sister which she blames for everything!!!
Wow. Wow. I was the much younger sibling of three older ones. I screamed my early childhood demanding attention in the bullying and neglect. I shut down…. My sister was scapegoated by my mum. But then my mum and I were left in a very close relationship. Then mum died in my late 30s I had glued our family together. I was the golden child to my mum but my sister started treated me terribly. Interestingly my sister when she tot married in my late 40s, started scapegoating me, then my other two siblings sided with her and now they angrily dump on me as the scapegoat. It’s grief striking and so painful. I have found myself rebelling in despair of the loving connection I used to enjoy. Slowly coming to acceptance that nothing will change.
Never ever have I heard the story of the scapegoat told so perfectly, so succinctly, so pointedly! THANK YOU!!! Finally, we are named as THE HONEST ONE!! Not only did I suffer that crap in my childhood for speaking the forbidden, but even as an adult, I get sh!t for telling the Mutha-effing TRUTH! Didn't stop then. Won't stop now.
I'm 41 and I've given up on the idea of being recognized or validated for my role in my family. Instead, I've turned my anger and confusion into passion for my own life and my work. So at the end of the day, it's a victory for me and I feel gratitude for my past. I wish this for everyone who has been in a scapegoat dynamic.
My Golden Child older sister told me that I'm the reason why our Dad was an alcoholic. I'm also the reason why our enabling, codependent mother had weight issues. I'm the reason why our brother doesn't come and see our mom. (I'm her full-time caregiver.) She also called my kids mistakes. I'm not sure who damaged me more, my raging, controlling, abusive father, my neglectful, emotionally voided out, chicken little mother or my Jeckyll and Hyde sister.
As a recovering golden child, just know she's talking from a place of debilitating shame that's fueled by perfectionism. So sorry about the challenges you've had growing up in a dysfunctional home .
Do what is best for you is all that I got to say. I pray your strength in the LORD IN JESUS' NAME. THE NAME ABOVE ALL NAMES. AMEN. GOD IS REAL, ALIVE, AND WELL. GOD TRULY DOES LOVE AND CARE FOR YOU AND SO DO I. AMEN. YOU MATTER IN JESUS# NAME.
I was the problem child. The thing is i was never ever doing the things my mom made up. She made up absolutely insane lies about me even into my early adulthood. When i would rarely snap because of these lies i was called violent. I believe my mom had a personality disorder. Both my brother and sister are bipolar. They have continued the lies about me and have spread them down to their children. Its bizarre
Beyond unfair for you, but thankfully you're able to see things for what they really are rather than get sucked into their lies & manipulation! Without knowing you personally, but identifying with you, I have a feeling your nieces & nephews are missing out on who you really are!!
For me, it was my dad. The insane stuff he would come up with to justify something was my fault was absolutely nuts at times. There was never a lie too big for him to tell even if reality was right there showing everyone what he said was untrue.
@@mrsqueakthecat.8061 Whenever I hear of a pattern where a family member goes outta their way to lie about someone, I think narcissism. This is what I've been discovering about my sister who targets me in the same way. Who did the rest of your family believe at those times?
@@daydream_believer They acted as if they believed him so that he wouldn't go after them next even though they knew full well what he was saying never happened.
I felt a lot of guilt so I kept going back but the same stuff keeps happening. Like the same cycles since childhood. So I am done and discovering the same, it is the only way.
I was the scapegoat and still am at 50. I never felt I belonged or was wanted anywhere thru out my life. I remained sensitive and now seen as the crazy one of the family all because I didn't conform and now setting boundaries with the family.
Yes! And it affects your whole life as hard to keep frie ndships and rela tionships when you feel so broken and consumed by it all. Has ruined my life basically.
You sound like me! 47 here. I kept going back even with more adult understanding, thinking oh now they're validating my experiences, just to face the harsh but ultimately freeing reality that LOOK, it wasnt my imagination, because every challenge I faced in my 20s and 30s and 40s they found ways to not only not be there for me (just like as a kid), but to demonize me at those weakest times as well. Literally victim shaming and blaming for horrendous abuse .... which i probably could have avoided in my 20s had I had more ability to feel my feelings and trust my intuition more. But not knowing who to trust because no one in one's family is trustworthy, tends to do stuff like that. But in my 40s I could finally see that's simply how they always had treated me and I couldn't tell because im genuinely a very compassionate person who tends to have endless empathy. Thanks so much for sharing. I feel related lol
@@janec1489 hang in there, Jane. I know those feelings and as far as I can tell they seem to peak right before a breakthrough to greater clarity and empowerment. It's like that saying, knowing is half the battle. We seemingly must identify within ourselves those bits of yuck abusive family's actions left "stuck in our craw", in order to spit it out and continue becoming our truer and truer selves. Be patient with yourself. Kind people will pop out, just give it time.
@@cerin59 Thank you so much for your comment. And I relate to your other comment above too. It can just get so draining living like this can't it, whilst trying your best to do your best. All the best! 🤗
Always felt like a black sheep/problem child who auto piloted through life with rebellion and have problem with authority till this very day. Still navigating through my trauma and mental health in general.. although I accept who I am and am blessed with this clarity from this channel and your teachings at large. Thank you Sensei 🙏🏼
I’m so glad that the realizes that not everyone has a dysfunctional family. We are used to thinking that every family MUST have a scapegoat in order to survive. But that is completely untrue. Your family could have dealt with their own pain. They didn’t have to throw you under the bus. But they did.
There’s a WORLD of difference between the “troublemaker/problem child” & the “scapegoat”. Both my siblings were “troublemakers”. I was - still am - the scapegoat.
This! I was scapegoated but any problem child label was part of that family abuse, not how I was or behaved. I never was "rebellious" until they painted my reasonable resistance as such n
As a teenager in the 70s, I managed to get my parents and older brother into a therapy session at a community clinic in the S.F. Bay Area. My dad shut down the session, yelling at the counselor that I was the family problem, that I created all the family issues. I'm 68 now and still dealing with CPTSD.
Please go to church and find a loving Christian community to encourage you to pray to God in Jesus most holy name 🙏. Find good things to lift you up. The beauty in nature and the kindness in a helpful or pleasant word from a stranger sent by God to remind you, that you are first and foremost God's child and He loves you. Find uplifting music you like of all genres. God and our good Lord Jesus, have the big picture, knows our hearts and our tribulations. I recently prayed to God about something that is upsetting me and the next thing put on my phone was a song by Thomas Mac, a Christian in the USA , told not to write Christian songs as no one wants to hear them. No ' doubting Thomas ' what did he do? Wrote a very uplifting song about Jesus Christ , which straight away lifted me up and changed my focus. Have a look at Thomas Mac music and find his song about ' a " friend who does loves him' Jesus Christ. 🙏 ♥..
I feel you. Miracles happen and I am not religious. Persist take this validation and build on it. My life will be as good as I can grieve. Peace & light🙏🌞
@@UnbreakableGhostFind someone to pray for you and with you. Forgiveness is the hardest thing to do. You are a loved child of God first and foremost, never forget that 🙏. ♥
Thanks again for the reiteration.. I am over 50, and since I have started working on my own trauma, I have finally learned to avoid my family and not give any explanations. Have been through all the stages of being shut down, getting defensive, tell them as it is and realising I was right all the time...and finally I have said to myself..NO explanation, just move on.. Thing is I had to go through all the stages to reach where I am today and i am sure I will have to continue to learn to live as healthily as possible...
I asked my mother when I was in my late forties what I was like as a child. I was looking and hoping for sweet, kind, etc. She hardly batted an eye and said I was obstinate. I was crushed that this was how she remembered me as a little girl. After some thought, I turned obstinate into a positive thing. I thought my family was functional! I was the middle of 5 children and I never felt like I belonged, as though all of my siblings had something special about each of them, while I had nothing special. I thought maybe I was adopted, except I looked just like my dad. I thank God for my Dad who loved me unconditionally, while I could never please my Mom. My rebelliousness was along the lines of sneaking around to read way past my bedtime, though Mom caught me almost every time. Now I understand why I've been a quiet rebel all my life. Being raised on a farm has kept me grounded. Learning about boundaries has kept me sane. God's love for me has made me loveable, at peace, and content with myself. Honesty! I can't tell a lie with a straight face. It's like I'm blocked against lying, even when it would be to my advantage.
Imacountrygirl When I asked that same question of my mom she replied, you were "obnoxious"... I was horrified and deeply saddened when I Googled the meaning of Obnoxious... What does an obnoxious person mean? highly objectionable or offensive obnoxious in American English 1. highly objectionable or offensive; odious. obnoxious behavior. 2. annoying or objectionable due to being a showoff or attracting undue attention to oneself." I have never wanted to be the center of attention... simply because I always felt that I was put in that extremely damaging roll as the scapegoat.
@@ComeOut.BeYeSeparate. Thank you for sharing that! I have learned that what people say to me that hurts me, intentionally or unintentionally, it's never about me. It's always a reflection of their own issues. That doesn't take away the pain it is just how I cope with it. I'm sorry your mom called you obnoxious, you seem like a kind, gentle kindred spirit.
@@ImaCountryGirl2 Thank you...😊 You have a great attitude & I appreciate your sharing... I'm still working through the pain... it's getting easier now having a support system through these videos
I’m a middle child, 2 older sisters, and 2 younger brothers. I’m perceived in my Mothers eyes as the trouble maker when I go to visit…. I’m 60 years old! One would think all that dysfunctional behavior would end with aging, it never does, especially when a mother is a Narcissist
@@Twiddledup Thank you for saying that. This sharing helps confirm that middles (or perceived middles) really are in a unique situation. I've discussed it with each sibling and they cannot understand where I am coming from because they are safe in their own birth order and never saw the whole picture like I did. Just remember when your mom treats you badly, it's not your issue, you're not bad, it's all on her behavior. All we can control is our own actions and reactions. I'm just stubborn and won't let anybody take my peace of heart away from me.
You know what happened to me as a scape goat back then? Instead of being "bad" I excluded myself from any one. I built a wall yes, like the bad boy but I didn't become aggressive (not in the outside, inside I understand now there were, and still is, tons of anger), but depressive. Oh, and hopeless too. Thanks for your videos Tim!! Always helpful! 🥰❤🙏
When I started behaving responsibly and setting boundaries my family was outraged. My father disowned me and my sister denied that she had a brother. They were fine sneering at me but keeping me around when I was drunk every time they saw me.
Thank you! I've been labeled as the "devil child" since I can remember because I knew at a very young age that what was going on back then even before I understood what was going on was wrong! I was the rebellious one. I defied them. Our culture was to blindly follow our parents & elders, no questions asked. I refuse to do that. My character was assassinated by mother to family members and friends who dared to come close to them and I was rejected because nobody saw what I was doing was the result of the overwhelming dysfunction of our family. When I dared to confront all of them with the truth is when I gained the label, "devil child" and I understood back then that they didn't like the truth and they gave me a negative label to silence me or have other disbelieve me. It worked. My mother's boyfriend of the month when I was a 14 years old molested me and when I got the courage to tell her which took me about 2 months, she accused me of trying to break them up. Talk about betrayal. She eventually married him and I had to see him & tolerate him for over 23 years until he passed. I haven't spoken to my mother. I no longer care what she tells everyone about me. I no longer care about what others think of me. I'm an adult and so are they. Many saw the lies my mother was telling about me and some apologized. But life is short and I'm not going to waste it on anyone who despises my existence.
I just can't believe how you summed up my entire life in a 15 minute video. I am now 61 with 2/3 of it under psychiatry and no one in the establishment has even hinted at the fact that it was not my fault from the very beginning
OMG, you are dead on. I was the black sheep, the scapegoat, and I had to battle well into my 40s to be who I really wanted to be. I ended up being the most grounded, principled and mentally balanced of my siblings. I am now veey conscious of how I interact with people and protective of everyone around me.❤
I removed myself twice as a young teenager from the constant scapegoating from my family. The second time I never went back home. Even when I left home I still got blamed for everything that went wrong within my family. Oldest of 8.
I used to try to find solace @ my friend and boyfriends houses, but only to realize that their families were just as bad. 😔🙏 My besties mom AND step mom were like my mom. My boyfriend's uncle was like my mom. 😢. Then years later I actually had a boyfriend like my mom AND dad. 🤔😭 It was hell for almost 3 years straight, the first 1.5 he kept his 🎭 on decently.
Omg! That is exactly what I did. I called my entire family out and said it was the most disfunctional family I ever saw! Then I left, never to return! It was a process to go through as nobody understands so we stay silent. But with God I am in good place. It is lonely at times but the peace is unbelievable.❤
I won't make excuses for their behaviors towards me, but I now understand they( my parents) were coming from their own traumas while they were growing up, which they never spoke of. My siblings learned their behavior from my parents. I have forgiven them and have compassion for them. I listen to Tim Fletchers videos so that I can facilitate a break of my families ancestral traumas for my children and grandchildren and beyond. I now know they did the best they could. I would not call them ingrate, Hurt people ,hurt people.
lol at the age of 15 I always told everyone that I’m the scapegoat, and no one ever believed me. I was literally to blame for everything, and the cause of all of my mothers grief and issues. It was never her on humanity and shortcomings lol I’m free at 38
"at least I can look myself in the mirror" Betty White says this in her book: "If you ask me (and I know you won't)". It's a short listen and she narrates the audiobook.
I am the last person left in my family. They have all died. And this pain that he speaks of has gone with them.I am finally happy and at peace.Because I have no more memories unless I want to take them up. And I don't , so i'm finally at peace.
After decades of one on one and group therapy I've had the good fortune of exploring these issues in my life. Still, I'm so grateful for this absolutely stunning message. You have given this scapegoat some badly needed validation. Thank you.
I was with you up until the bad-boy part. I started having panic attacks in college and I have severe adhd and Cptsd and still have a panic disorder 20 years later. I’m on disability and am basically living alone with barely any contact from family. I’ve actually been the “good boy” but you’re correct about how most of this has played out.
Just watched a couple vids in your series, loved them. I think your archetypes are probably dead on but it’s always more complicated… like I’m probably playing invisible with my family and the jester with my friends. Anyways, looking forward to the rest of this series, thank you 😊
You’re not alone. I’m a scapegoat with OCD (a form of anxiety). My bro became agoraphobic and had to overcome that in adulthood to work, but he still has bad social anxiety. My sister has general anxiety and would get panic attacks. My sister almost had to stop working but thankfully got help to overcome panic attacks. Anxiety, in its many forms, is extremely common among CPTSD adults. And in my family it was 100% 😅 I also don’t think I rebelled as much. But there was a time as a teenager when I took some risks. As an adult, it’s more like I question everything and I don’t respect authority figures unless they deserve it. If I have a toxic boss or coworker, they get zero respect from me! This has caused me some problems, but it’s a knee-jerk reaction that I haven’t been able to help in the past. Idk maybe I will learn new ways…
Thank you for clarification on dysfunctional vs perfect vs functional. I hear this too, that all families are dysfunctional. I’m the truth teller and after my mom died I went no contact with my original family.
I was the scapegoat. I was a highly sensitive and intuitive boy, and that got me in all kinds of trouble, as I could see just what was going on. By the time I was a teenager I'd thrown that sensitive boy under the bus and became a street fighting semi crazy guy. It's good that I became that guy as the sensitive guy would have been buried long ago! Now I'm in my 60's and the 2 of us live together in my head.. the crazy guy and the sensitive boy. So watch out ;) we can be nice, but we can also be fucking crazy
I. Can't. Even. Hearing you speak these words were haunting how every. Word. You. Spoke. Tells exactly my story. I was the honest child turns out neurodivergent. Couldn't help my honest speaking. Wildly punished for it. Literally need to write a book. Started a few pages. Thank you so much for speaking these words for me. I needed to hear this so bad. How is it possible it's so frequent that there is a pattern this clear. I was born in 79 so when i became adolescenct tough love was the teaching of the day. Except my parents manipulated the rules to suit them locking me out of the home at 11 for being late for curfew. I was blamed for my moms bleeding ulcer and almost dying. The relief I am experiencing hearing this is indescribable. Thank you so much for this presentation. I'm going to subscribe to see how else you can help. Thank you
man, i rocked the boat so much, i sunk myself.. was an excruciatingly and relentless decades upon decades and yes, upon decades, to get thru and grow out of my narcissistic, unnaturally unkind “family’s” treachery… what a bunch of evil-do’ers bent on destroying me.. i became so disassociated eventually that years and years passed with me basically sleep-walking thru it all… even now at age 60, i remain only surfacely associated with people.. works best for me like that 👏👏🥳🥳🥳
this is so spot on!! I turned into a verrry “bad girl”😌😌.. i thought, man, y’all were so foul to me when i was truly so good, so accomplished, let’s flip the script and I’ll show you what a true “problem adult child” looks like😤😤😡.. so strap in, cuz imma be giving y’all my very best WORST😌😌.. ultimately, i gave ‘em all many reasons to righteously hate me.. nearly destroyed myself doing it, but now maybe they all will have a chance in the hereafter at receiving some kind of rational reasons for forgiveness for their brutal behavior thanks to me going totally off the rails🤷♀️🤷♀️…. end result is i got myself all back in order and I am a really, really nice girl 🤓🤓👏👏💪👏💪
My narc alcoholic abusiver father’s pain was projected onto the family. So because he was unhealthy and dysfunctional and himself, he had to make sure the rest of us suffered, too.
it must have been good to have support within, or did some make excuses for him? I know I would 'feel bad' my abusers...it was all so sick, as was I :( I never capital n NEVER had support or mutual verbalization of reality.
At the age of 62, being the youngest, I have always and to this very day am treated horribly by my family. I'm beyond saddened. I'm now exiled. I'm totally alone. 😢😢💔
I'm crying listening to this as I knew this all along, all these years I knew this it what it was! And I even tried to explain it once I became an adult but it is again the same story of " me bringing up problems so I'm the problem again".
I was that child and it was horrible! We all had to go to counseling because of me, but when the counselor told them what they need to do, that was the end of counseling, because the counselor didn't tell me that it was all my fault. I finally rid myself in those people and I'm all the happier because of it. But it only took me 30 years to have enough of their shit.🙏🏼❤
I’m sooooo glad Tim is back, I started my healing journey this year, watching his older videos. Now I’m dealing with the knowledge that I was scapegoated… And right on time, Tim makes a video. Thank you for your work, you have no idea how many people your videos impact. Sending love, light and positivity from 🇬🇧 x
Yep i was the honest one, but im neurodivergent and can't keep eye contact and that was my moms litmus test for lying when she was looking to have something to rage about. Nothing is ever resolved. I never got the direct communication to understand what i was doing wrong, but i noticed patterns and made choices accordingly. I was going to be raged at regardless. I wasn't even a troublemaker I just have autistic and ADHD traits. My brother was allowed to throw eggs at the fridge when he was a toddler. Had I attempted that im not sure id have survived the rage of doing something like that.
I remember making a plan with my sister because I’d realized we always got hit the same time of day, same day, even though we’d spent the whole day perfect. So my sister and I did our plan & our mother kept pushing for a reason to still hit us. I started to believe them saying ‘we can’t all go to bed until the kids have been spanked’ was a rule not a joke.
@@shipratrika2586 weird question. Never feeling like I fit in does. At least that's the draw for adults getting assessed for autism and ADHD, but so does having your child get a diagnosis
@@shipratrika2586 the people in my family that lie don't even realize or acknowledge it. I appreciate the clarification. I'm also very sensitive. Now I don't know how well this will work for me, but my aunt was over visiting and I'm recovering from a minor surgery right now so my aunt began acting nasty when she's talking about politics. She's got no awareness about being mean and nasty when politics comes up so I stood my ground and said I need to to not discuss politics around me. She's extremely judgemental about the other team and I'm so sensitive I can't handle that behavior because she's gets nasty and reactionary years me because she's talking to me and I'm just not ok with the snippy, mean, condescending attitude over a difference of opinions. If she can't play nice and she can't that conversation is off the table for the health of the relationship.
Can we please agree on not to call those parents “mom” and “dad”? Because moms and dads care about their children and wouldn’t abuse them like those parents do. They don’t deserve the sacred title “mom” and “dad”.
Someone in comments used the phrase "birthing unit." 😂 I got a surge of dopamine reading that & a sense of release, though I've been no contact for ages. I've seen "incubator" used before too. & "Sperm donor."
Those kind of parents call the child “a difficult child” /“a problem child”, they would never call themselves “difficult parents”.
@@TL-ch1xd the narcs MUST maintain the grandiose delusional fantasy world they live in, at all costs.
Same people who call children "evil".
These parents are like woodworkers who cut everything the wrong size, then kick the table they built because it's wobbly. Theyre not difficult parents theyre bad people period.
Isn’t that the truth.
45 years later they get diagnosed with adhd and asd.
“the scapegoat child is the only honest one” …so true.
So that's why therapists say scapegoats are the most emotionally healthy people in the family system. I see.
@@websurfer5772 I didn't know that. Maybe it's got something to do with at least not having as many habits of dishonesty that would avoid resolving issues.
I tried to talk to my older sister and younger brother about this, and neither of them sees anything like I do.
@@Candy-O1776 It might help to try to write things out step by step. From multiple perspectives, multiple formats, maybe even multiple pages.
I have occasionally found that a helpful tool to move closer towards a sense of peace and internal organization is to fully express the situation to the maximum degree that your mind can process. One step at a time, until it is thoroughly packaged and all dark corners the mind trips over in that situation have been illuminated.
Doing this thoroughly enough that your mind is satisfied that you've finished everything it can do regarding the situation might let your mind relax a bit and take some of the self-inflicted part of the pressure off.
For specific tools, I suggest long form writing, point form notes, making diagrams, timelines, charts, whatever tools your brain needs in order to understand and express the information. This is for you first and foremost.
I hope this information can be of use to you and others. Worst case scenario, you've spent a few minutes journalling.
@@Candy-O1776yes same thing in my family members I have been blamed for everything that bad that has happened even though I no longer talk or included in anything anytime anymore and I had five adult children..and I hear from no of them 😢and my mother and other friends or family members are basically all on the bandwagon.. so I m. The space goat and black sheep..I'm not only one in the family that got any help therapy had over 30 yrs of therapy...😢. Haven't been in therapy for over a year...
The best choice I made in my life was to cut off all communication with my family. I don’t go there for Christmas, no happy birthdays, nothing. I wish them the best but I don’t miss them. It was hard at the beginning but now I am doing fine. We are all adults and life’s too short to waste on people who are just not capable of love empathy and compassion.
My husband Too
Omg so the same. No empathy or compassion.
What really helped me was forgiveness. I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion. But cuting ties is still rebelling . I sorted out the situation and accepted to be the only grown up around. I have emotional maturity now and treat my parents as children ,with compassion. In the end , with my own family's dynamic that I think is healthy, my parents being around but dis-activated, I became the pillar of something positive. It's only working because they can't hurt me anymore, and this to me is a the sing of complete personnal healing.
Agree
Some families are more toxic than others, it's great if the scapegoat forgives but in some cases, it's best they stay away. Forgiveness doesn't mean you need to go back in the tiger's cage. I think it's great that you see them as they are and nothing they say or do can bother you. That truly is emotional maturity and strength.
Please remember that the scapegoat and the problem child are NOT always the same child.
They're also NOT always the loud or rambunctious child.
It is very possible to have a family dynamic where the scapegoat or the problem child is the exact OPPOSITE of everyone else in the family and that's why they're targeted.
Example: think of Cinderella's family dynamic. She was naive, genuinly kind, helpful, and loving.
Her stepmother and step sisters weren't and it caused her so many problems for years.
yes, becoming a perfectionist and people pleaser is one way escaped goats take
@@susiefairfield7218 wow, so anyone kind is just performing? Bs!
Yes, exactly! I never was a "bad/ rebellious" kid, though that's how I was made out to be. It bothers me how the speaker says one minute scapegoats are truth tellers, then the next, they're being rebellious.... without even touching on that often just being demonization. What about those of us who were never rebellious in any way except not being two faced and dysfunctional like other family members?
Agreed, I think the speaker is wrong here.
@@j.k.6089, I don't think he's wrong. Just unbalanced in his assessment like the vast majority of people. Most people don't think about the opposite of themselves because they don't have to. It's outside of their purview and they have the privilege of ignoring it always.
I'm usually on the opposite side of most people so I have to be aware and conscious at all times about both and the in between.
If anything, just please remember both sides and the middle.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
If I defended myself against untrue accusations, I was told, "Defensiveness is proof of guilt." Yet, when I remained silent, I was told, "Silence is admission of guilt." When I repeated those back to my parents saying both couldn't be true, things got exponentially worse for me.
Exactly the same as me! You can't win.
A double bind.
@@karieification Yes!
Same. I just wanted things to be straightforward. And they couldn't even admit that they weren't.
He isn’t accounting for malevolence or the fact that we are in fact being led by untrustworthy people. In a relationship also I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up in the responsible gender role because for these guys “safe person” is someone who lies back and takes patriarchal abuse. “Good” vs “bad” conditioning is their binary construct. There’s a whole other video that coaches people on how they need to tolerate living in an unjust society. If you do this you’ll keep getting scapegoated.
We integrate that part not let go of it. You *want* to be unsafe for people who want to use you.
Our family actually had 2 scapegoats. When I left at 18, my 12 year old brother had already been groomed to take over as the scapegoat. I’m now 72, he is 66. 2 of our siblings became paranoid schizophrenic, 1 committed suicide, 1 is physically and emotionally disabled. We, the scapegoats, ultimately overcame our upbringing.
Oh dear, so so sorry. Two of our sisters have died also and one is full narc and the other one left, to her credit, is struggling but trying to get out of the Narc paradigm. It’s because she’s sincerely trying to please God. Without him in her life, she would never ever try.
I was the only one in my family what kind of my older stepbrother a little bit but mostly me.
I’m so sorry about your family. And I agree that being the scapegoat gives us amazing self-preservation super powers. I (the scapegoat) was the first to embark on a self-healing journey but my older siblings started healing many years later. Today we are all still healing but on the journey together. That said, we all went through dark times that could’ve resulted in suicide or being disabled physically/psychologically. Healing is actually a life-saving procedure!
Just interesting that I’ve always noticed I was the most psychologically healthy/stable… even though I was the scapegoat and went through dark times….
My older brother and I were both the scape goats. I was the most and biggest truth Teller. My father was the family problem. He was violent. He tried to kill several of us. He killed our mother almost our step mother. We were orphaned and foster kids because of my dad. I stood up to my Dad's lies. Before he died he told me I was the best kid and the most obedient. He prepared me for after he died telling me he ruined the Golden spoiled narcissist child my brother. He said my brother never meant me well. I was an object of hatred jealousy and envy sabotage. Getting pulled down after I helped All of my family and none of them ever helped me. I would say I was the strongest and I survived without them All after I left home I was the first of 6 to leave move out and live my own life. I've always had peace within myself I've never lied to myself. I'm not in denial like they All are. They are All screwed up to this day I'm the only normal one
That's tragic but I wanted to say that is ironically very similar to my family. I find it interesting that paranoid schizophrenia seems to run in families with a lot of abuse
Hugs to all the scapegoats ❤❤❤☀️💛💛💛
Hugs back ❤
Same back to you. Remember how strong brave and good you are always. Big hugs back xx
More hugs here x
Hugs 🤗 right back atcha ✌🏼🐐
Remember you deserved love and comfort your inner child without victimhood.
You don't have to cause problems to be set up as a scapegoat. It's enough to be sensitive. This gift is a threat, a ‘problem’, for a dysfunctional system.
Absolute truth.
Facts!
yes but if you spoke up for people because of that sensitivity, and weren't just sensitive but empathetic and called out liars and abusers, then got abused for doing that, it's a lot more traumatizing
I don't think that's really true because I think abusers love it when you don't talk more because then you'll never learn how to stand up for yourself.
That's true. The parent who uses you as a scapegoat will recognise quite soon in your life your sensitive and beautiful nature and you then become their targeted child. I also think other dynamics played a part like being a girl. I became the apple of my grandad's (her dad's) eye - so throw in jealousy and resentment and the scapegoat was born!
It's wild how one psycho can make an entire family sick.
And they seem to live the longest (not wishing death on anyone, but ya know..)
@@Rebecca20239 no, I know exactly what you mean. The one in my family has outlived almost everyone else.
oh! you've met my mother? 🤣
100% true. Everyone copes around their behavior. Can ruin generations.
@@Rebecca20239 that's true, they put all their negative energy in others, they stay healthy and people around them get sick
I'm the Scape goated child in my family or the black sheep as I used to think of it. It's true we are the only honest one not because we are saints and always tell the truth. But because we are in a unique position that we didn't choose. But we only benefit from the truth. We are so affected by the way those around us use lying and gaslighting as a power play. Truth becomes our only ally. It's the only thing we have left to turn to.
Gosh this is true. Another scape goat here. Even my brother in law says I am so honest
Exactly this. Exactly this.
Jordan Peterson said something I had to write down because it hit so well, “When you tell the truth you live by the axiom of faith that nothing better can happen than that which will happen if you tell the truth.”
It’s definitely been the only way for me to get by, too. Very difficult to navigate finding balance in understanding why people lied and becoming passive to it with family or people I’d grown close to , and having also zero tolerance for it simultaneously because my body is viscerally rejecting being lied to. I learned to bring the gentle to the no tolerance and ask questions kindly for someone to repeat themselves or make eye contact and just give them a change to be honest instead. Definitely been a journey. ❤️🩹
@@kirsten1007my older sister told me to stop explaining myself to everyone so much. She could see my desperation to be seen for what is true and not all the assumptions that could be made. She really helped me come off the ledge about that and learn to soften and know when it’s necessary and when to say as little as possible. I still make mistakes sometimes with that but it’s not a huge swing anymore of doing it with unconscious guilt and rejecting my own power to validate myself whether I’m heard truthfully or not. We can’t make someone let go of their preconceived biases, but we can show kindly we won’t tolerate being treated badly because of them.
@@InvictusAlchemywell stated
Me too... I know how it feels but only God can change us into a new person if we just get right with God. .I send love to everyone.... Find peace and don't trust them again ... They may even kill u . 😮❤
This explains why i never felt like i fit into my family.
Pretty sure you were the only member of your family and the only one that was present
Same🤗
I always figured there was some kind of cosmic error. The stork got the wrong address.
@@1coketogo554 I had the exact same vision (the stork) as a young child :-)
Same
I've avoided my family most of my adult life and tried coming back home once and it was horrible. Happily living on my own again 800 miles away from them all. God is good!
I live 3500 miles from mine, the only way home is with myself.
@ellinorglorioso2247 I live about 45 mi from them but they don't exist to me and I'm happy I forgive them they have no power over me and I'm all the happier now that I put them out of my life more than 20 years ago.
@@jerrydonquixote5927Amen same I'm financially blessed now for life so they can keep whatever inheritance they wish to dangle over me to themselves.
@Bigleybig do yourself a favor and stay away from them.
@@DanMorgan-bh5fv I am 10 400 miles away and couldn't be happier. Loving & Living my own Life!! 😁😁
Some parents just don't care, they want their kids to act like robots because to them, no emotion or reaction means a well-behaved kid. In reality, it's a kid traumatized by fear.
Yes, this was me.
They've been as abuse as the child they abuse.
Humanity is a story of abuse.
And they don't understand its fear half the time. They just think everyone can't help them and doesn't want too. It becomes so much stranger to learn they don't see it because they are all part of the lie to make themselves feel like it isn't the truth.
That’s me rn and I’m 21 lmao
More specifically, we are restricted to one emotion, Happy, and to a quiet reaction even with that. The trauma comes from having to suppress or repress all of the normal emotions that come from being human - joy, sadness, fear, happiness, pain, worry, etc. - along with the normal responses to those emotions - laughter, tears, sighs, shouts, etc. Anything less than a Happy and Quiet child is seen by these parents as a failure on THEIR part. Such were my parents.
Most parents don't want to think that they might be the problem. It hurts their ego. Lack of self awareness.
Yup, narcissistic ones especially
My mom took me to a counselor, and he told her a lot of the trouble was her! We never went back, she said he doesn’t know what he’s talking about 😮
@@jerilynhalferty3519 😂 They dont want to fathom the problem might be them and their parenting (or lack thereof)!
Same for the teens and grown kids - they also have egos where the answer is always to blame someone else.
I've just been to some channels where in the parents are narcs or codependent in the skits and not the one in therapy.
(I've never had kids so I have no horse in the race.)
@@jerilynhalferty3519I never got the help I needed and was gaslit into view "shrinks" as "quacks" for a most of my childhood for this very reason.
As a scapegoat, I always used to refer to my family as a "sham-ily." It's tough being penalized for being honest.
It is. And I still don't want to be like that. ❤
Yep
I used to refer to my conception givers as parental units who are in the blue screen of death mode from problems with their hardware. People used to laugh except one of my neighbors who realized how dehumanizing it was for me to say that.
May I borrow that please? I love it! Shamily perfectly describes it all! (my you are clever! )
@@Healed2Day Certainly, darling. I'm just sorry you're in a family where you have to use my same silly word to describe it. 😞 Hugs to you, my friend (sorry we're in the same dreadful boat).
The PROBLEM child is the HONEST one! Thank you! ❤ proud to be the scapegoat for 59 years! Thank you for explaining to the rest of the world what we scapegoats have always seen and known with our own eyes no matter how much we get gaslit and told we are crazy and making stuff up! No! I was ASKING for HELP! Thank you for this very spot-on and educational video!! ❤
Ditto Michelle. 59 years and still counting. I don't see any family anymore. They are not worth my time.
@Pixie-ix1so
I am so grateful to all the mental health professionals and online therapists out there with channels like this one and all the survivors out there who share their stories and validate one another. 🙏
Being gaslit whether on purpose or not about your own reality while simultaneously being blamed as the family scapegoat for everything that is wrong in your family system is very destabilizing on a person's mental health and something that can only be understood by trained professionals and other survivors of the same. I hope more people will understand that while forgiveness is good it is not always healthy or wise for people to remain in these situations. Sometimes, no contact is the best choice. Thank you! Peace ☮️
Almost 56 years here! I’m the only one who would speak my opinion and would not just conform like a soldier! I was told I was too sensitive and crazy! Thank you! It’s nice to know it’s not just me!❤
65 years the problem child
19 years no contact with siblings
parents both gone
still unwinding from my role but living best I can
hang in there everyone
@JustLikeJulia9
Get over it! You're stuck in the past! Be happy damnit! You can't take a joke! Oh, just go with the flow! You just can't be happy! You wear your heart on your sleeve! Don't be a victim!
All of these things are said in order to shut someone down and dismiss and invalidate their experience. I have been hearing these statements my whole life from the time I was a small child and a lot of these statements were made by well meaning people who just didn't know my true story and misunderstood the situation.
People begin to HEAL when they feel HEARD and understood. I hear you, I believe you, and I understand you. Thank you 💗 😊 💓
“They try not to feel anything at all. They shut everything down.” Soooo true.
We are talking 80 % world wide. 5-10 % injured, but aware and working towards healing. ALL the rest are saying " That's just how it is".
And getting addicted to alcohol or/and drugs, because there is no other way out. Some of them do never discover how they become addicts and the reason of it all, their whole life until their death.
emotional suppression/ support system/ looking like It's their only way out, and then It becomes a habit.
Yep, for sure. I shut off, or am blitheful ( water off a diuck s back).
I’ve gotten to sleeping all day because everything has been blocked. Learning to try to block that myself so I can grow again
Cristine Heimlich here. Yes dear you nailed it!! I was hurt, blamed, just emotionally tortured as a small child. I was hurt and then hurt some more for having feelings. So sad that " hurt people...hurt people"
It felt so good-vindicating-to hear him say, “the problem child is the only one being honest, everyone else is lying.”
Scapegoats are the real ones, we are the winners, much love and blessings to all the beautiful scapegoats. No contact forever!🏃♀️✂️🙌🙏
Exactly. Thank you x
Yes went no contact over 25 years ago.
Discarded after 39 years near death. Never been more alive without them 👋
I've been doing so much better since my parents have passed away.
Sad but true
Yes! My physical and mental health improves quickly whenever I get away from my family.
I am also discarded one at 37 and now too tormented by same brother, mother when living alone.
now my kids are just like them. Can't get away unless I walk away. did that once and end result was someone I love died then I needed their help for a short time.
I was the scapegoat. I left to the cess pool called " my family" when i was in high school. I'm nearly 70 and so thankful that the world has so many resources about dysfunctional families. 💝🙏💝= Love from my heart to yours!
Congratulations on surviving the various ordeals of life.
Have you found any especially poignant or useful resources over your time?
@@Thalanox There are so many ways that dysfunction is is expressed and experienced that I'd have a hard time giving a reference. It would also depend on what your preexisting knowledge is regarding this topic. I started back in the day with John Bradshaw and ACOA Adult Children Of Alcoholics (even though alcohol was not used by my parents). ACOA is a blend of the 12 Step program and the dysfunctional family structure. I feel that not using drugs or alcohol has allowed me to have a clear head as I dealt with life. And reduced pitfalls and complications that so often come with those environments and lifestyles. I wish you strength, courage, support and joy on your journey!💝🙏🏻💝
@@laurabarber6697we had a family friend named Renee and she was 16 when she shot herself but her family were alcoholics they treated her the bastard like I was treated I miss her so much I was only about five when she killed herself but I still remember her.❤
My parents abandoned, constantly criticised & advised & insulted & terrified my brother. He was the scapegoat. I was the superhero, doing everything my mother told me to do. My brother was extremely smart & really compassionate. My parents murdered him with their words & actions & neglect. The teachers & mental health tried to help him. Tried to house him. My brother was traumatically bonded to the house, and to the past...when parents were a little more invested in being & doing. My mother, brother & i were subjected to emotional, psychological, verbal & physical violence, with being threatened with death by my father if we told anyone. This stuff kills people. I no longer trust or believe in anything or anyone. God help us all.
Now you know where you are, emotionally ... I hope you find a sense of hope from these videos (and other sources, as needed) as I have. Mini-steps. 🕊✌️🦋
We're the descendents of those who abandoned God & thus carry on the tradition of punishing ourselves & each other. I cry quite often on behalf of this cruel world. 😔
When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.
Psalm 27
@@BloomzMember Yes. Mini steps. Thank you for caring enough to read & to write. Thank you.
@@g-mwalt4500 We are the perfect vessel for his love and acceptance. If my parents want to treat me like they have I know Jesus won't. 🙏😔
I refuse to play "Happy Family" with people who are abusive to me.
There was a mixture of these roles for me. It's not all easily delineated but there's still a lot of knowledge here that helps me. Thank you for this.
I was the scapegoat until I escaped from my family. Ironically when I married, my husband's family made me the scapegoat. I am now in the middle of a divorce from them and my husband. I look forward to feeling physically well again. I believe freedom is calling me.
@@NancyCausey The same thing happened to me with marriage except I just cut his family off and I kept him. lol It wasn't that easy though. 10+ years of therapy and here on I am on videos like this so....
I respect your decision and I wish you all the best health and happiness in the future.
I’m the scapegoat - black sheep!
An empath and a warrior .
Thank you glad to have that honour amongst my family of narcissists!
Healed and forgiven , bless them all.
Tim you’ve explained the scapegoat so well …. That was me my entire life!
This!❤
I too became an empath and a warrior 🙏🏾
I'm 46 yrs old just accepting the truth. Huge empath and undefeated warrior, we had to be. ❤
51 year old black sheep here. I finally cut out the toxic family aged 40. It's been great without it
😢thx; @that same point & age
do you have a family of your own or any one with whom to partner and bond? It's hard to do all this life solo...I had no problem being single but we're not meant to do all this with out partnership. Just wondering
@@Jennifer-gr7hn it is 100% possible to do all this without partnership. i've been doing it ever since i moved out at 18, so for 20 years now (i'm 38). lifelong single and no kids here. it sucks at first, but once you learn to not be lonely and love yourself, you savor your absolute freedom. every time a coworker complains about their spouse or kids, i can't help but smile cus i'll never have to deal with any of that mess or drama.
SAME
You are so right. I'm the scapegoat and I'm the only honest one in my family. I'm 55 years old and still struggling with the aftermath of this family abuse 😢
Im 59 and the ramifications continue to this day.
Me too …
I love you guys 🤍💫✨
62 here, both parents are still alive and see to it I'll never have a relationship with not only my siblings but my adult children as well.
My own role as scapegoat was difficult to understand for me for a long, long time: I didn't have to be overtly rebellious, I was just there to be denigrated, disqualified, sidelined. With me at the sidelines, I realized, the family without me was soo much more stable, even happier. I distanced myself at the age of 16 or 17, emotionally and geographically, and it worked for some time, as if we were suddenly a more mature family.
What I didn't realize was: I was being taken, "sucked" back in so that I could be the scapegoat again the family needed so desperately. I started to emotionally distance myself again, but didn't do so geographically. I still felt the need to be able to help, if necessary. Good idea, I know.🤦🏻♂️ And then I watched in horror, that my parents and siblings had started to take that pattern to the next level: the next generation. They started to treat my son as scapegoat, as not good enough and so forth while his cousins were the ones he should take for example. While the cousins and my son themselves were always close and grew up together, never taking part in this abuse, it is simply mind-blowing how the family without me seems to feed from the pattern and tries to assign the role to me I was meant to fill from childhood. I couldn't protect me as a child, of course, but I am fiercely protecting my son with openness, caution and awareness. Is this a characteristic or special pattern someone else has experience with? I still think there's room for improvement, so I'd love to hear from you! Thanks so much for bearing with me and: 🙋🏻♂️ 🫂 💙
I'm 54 and just got arrested for death threas, am facing eviction, and have been in nearly ten fights this summer ..yet this feels better than when i don't have any problems. When life is going perfectly well i get suicidal!!
I was six or seven when my mother hurled that at me. "Everything was fine until you came!" 35 years later married in Canada it burst out of her again. In Turkish, of course, so my husband wouldn't understand. Phsycholigical abuse day after day aided by her golden child until I stopped contact a year ago. They made me sick. It's very hard to be without a family, but this way I am at peace with myself. Still missing a family, but not this one.
Good for you. I celebrate each day being on my own and don't look too far ahead. Really helps to stop fatalistic thoughts like 'where will I end up'....
I left my family at 17 I'm now nearly 70. I still long for/ wish I had a healthy family. I never married or had children. The Need to belong is universal. I love you dear one!💝🙏💝
"Everything was fine until you came!" Same happened to me. Now I laugh at her when she said that and she gets SOOOOOO MAAAAAD......LOL
My brother died then my mom and dad told me they never wanted kids in the first place and disowned me to be all alone. Lovely eh.
That's so awful ! Glad you're free
My birthing unit told everyone I was a trouble maker. She blamed me for everything that went wrong with our "family". I walked away over 20 years ago and I'm currently dealing with this. Thank you for showing me that I'm not alone. 🙏🏽❤️
Love the term birthing unit - has made me chuckle
Wow, my story too!! 😮
@@cohort2001 me too, lol.
That was the only thing that the people who share my DNA would ever say about me. Always made me out to be a trouble maker.
Scapegoat here! I remember thinking at 11 that every one was crazy or I was. I have 3 children of my own now, and my daughter told me a few weeks ago that I broke the cycle. Good for us!
I was definitely the rebellious child. I had to make a critical decision early on when my suicidal tendencies was at their peak and I chose life. I have many family members who lost that battle and I learned much from them. I will never again sacrifice my mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being to placate people who don't see me for who I am.
Good,Good for you.
As a 57 yo
I still stay far away from my parents and sibling
Not worth the grief😮
@@cheesecakefan48802.5 yrs no contact with sibling and low contact with narc mom. Abusive dad passed in 2021. All I can say is wish I cut ties decades ago. I'm almost 49. So much more peace these days.
Good for you , I cut contact with my mum , sisters because I kept getting accused of being wicked the reasons were with time I declined to help anyone financially.
@@j.m9189your right , and you owe no one any explanation as to your actions. We are like elephant's with our memory. My family I love them because of my humanity but as family they don't rate. I was able to vent not to long ago and it rooled of my tongue the truth and it hit the target. Didn't set out to vent but the opportunity presented itself.👊☘️They all know their parts. I don't carry around any resentments. I don't do drama especially other people's. I'm not vindictive I don't think about revenge. I wouldn't know what to do anyway. I just continue like always, on my own terms. ✌️
I was told to stop being so sensitive, I was told I was acting like a martyr, all kinds of things everytime I tried to express myself, my feelings, the truth about a situation, stand up for myself...my mom was wonderful, it was my older sister, and stepdad...that were my downfall
So even though your mother was there for you, it made no difference?
Yeah. Older sisters can be dangerous.
Mine grew up to be a school counselor, then she retired and became a Methodist preacher.
I am still the weird sister that nobody associates with, but I have a wonderful husband and eight children, all but one of which get along with each other, and my husband and I, fine.
The other one? She is a lot like my sister.
Sounds familiar ❤
@@jenster29Why are you nit picking? My mom did her best to be there for me too
She had problems of her own
Please listen to the words that were said rather than deflecting
You know what we should becareful when we say one parent was wonderful since there are enablers in this narc family unit.
This was my brother, he couldn't give up the role of rebellion, ended up committing suicide at 33 years old. R.I.P. Jake.
😔🙏🥺
I’m so sorry for your loss and suffering ❤ . Your understanding is good, unfortunately sometimes that’s not much comfort. Thank you for your message.
So sorry, truly. If I hadn't gone no contact that might have been how I ended up.
:( R.I.P.
💝🙏💝
Someone scapegoating a child is like someone scapegoating the dead. Neither are capable of defending themselves…
Oh dear, I've got something that just may be a little worse than that...., the 8 year old child being scapegoated when she had just lost both parents within 10 months .
I'm 52 now and still remember the rage I felt when my pompous uncle said it was our father's wishes u call us mum & dad (small caps intended)...., to which I spat out, f@ck off u fat bastard, your not my father (no filter). He backhanded me so hard I fell down half the stairs & said she's trouble, get rid of her!....., a month later I was packed off to boarding school.
It made me unable to speak up for myself. I was never allowed to express anything that my mother disapproved of. I avoid confrontation at all cost.
I ALWAYS fought back.
Cowardly copout stuff for the lowbrow set, is what it is.
@@safeeffective385 what do you mean?
My cousin was the "problem child" in her family. She ended up dying before she made it to her twenties. I was so angry with the adults in my extended family for never helping her and going along with the narrative that she was a bad kid when all of them knew her parents were alcoholics.
So incredibly sad 😢
Same with my family, I am 67, the coverups, the alcoholism, the religious…..just heartbroken!
In my experience, this is why I amd I'm sure others who identify with being scapegoated, are the first to be jettisoned from the family unit. Liars, cheats, and malignant narcissists hate those who know the truth and hold them accountable.
But narcisdists look outside the family for someone who has been damaged before. They have a taste for scapegoats since we have not lost all our sensitivity and they like passional people. They don't want to be with dull people and they know how to touch our wounds and know what we crave. That's why is so important for us to detect them asap and fail their tests.
Inside of our family we are a commodity until we wake up, then we become the worst threat of all.
You got that right.
Yup! Can attest to this.
SO TRUE,WE MUST MOVE ON FROM THOSE PEOPLE IF WE WANT PEACE & HAPPYNESS
Absolutely true! 💯
I too was the problem child. My Dad both hid and kept me from getting help for the things he had done. I was the "loser" that hid in his room. The one that just won't "try". I found an identity in being the bad boy. By 9th grade there wasn't anything I wouldn't do. I was a human crime wave. I left for the service the day after I turned 18, best thing I ever did. Suddenly I wasn't a loser anymore. Life was "happy". This was new! People liked it when I did a good job. So it went for years, good career and good friends. A visit home and I am stupid again. Life and me, suck. I kept trying to get approval at home. All I got was jealousy and backstabbing. Finally I got some real help from a therapist and saw thing for what they are. Now the re-parenting part starts. Yea, Tim is right. True feelings based on facts... hurt. But I know the truth about my dysfunctional family. I was the only honest one. That's why I never fit in.
I simply left home at sixteen and got on with my own life. I think I realised from the age of 5 or 6 that my parents were incompetent. Looking at people around me, I realised that most adults didn't have a clue how the world works and I wasn't interested in their approval. As I got older, I didn't take the scapegoat label so personally. That's not to say it didn't hurt, but it takes time and experience to get perspective. There's a pattern in our wider family of a 10-15 year gap between the first child or two, and the next batch. That's almost a generation gap between siblings. We were also a combined family. If you're the kind of child that notices things, that's a lot of opportunities to understand how your parents were different people in different relationships, and how they're repeating the same mistakes with the much younger children. I was finally able to heal because I didn't have my parents on a pedestal to begin with. They were just people, and my world never revolved around them. I managed to make friends with my mum in my 30s. But that's different to expecting any mothering. Personally, I think the scapegoat child is always going to be disruptive because they feel more autonomous and equal to their parents. Hence the truth telling.
@@GlasPthalocyanine I see your point. When your guard is up 24/7, you see things, and see them differently than others do. The truth is often your weapon of choice.
I’m soon to be sixty-one and I’m still the scapegoat of the family. Thank you for helping me understand how I grew up to be neurotic. I’ve healed and am in a healthy friendship. All the hard work of healing and transformation has been worth it.
I was the honest “problem child”, I didn’t become rebellious. I always tried to do things as well and good as possible. Since my school environment was rather safe and well functioning I was a well functioning high grade-student that got along well with my classmates and teachers.
I remember my mother telling me in my early adulthood that she was surprised when I was a young child and she had asked my teacher if they had much problems with me and he had answered that I was an exemplary student.
Me trying to function well as an adult is a different story.
So much this!
Through YT I learned I was the scapegoat child. As a kid, I couldn’t figure out why EVERYONE in my family hated me. I tried so hard to get them to like me, it only made them all hate me more. An awful way to start life, a complete mind F they took me 40 years to finally understand why it happened and that I wasn’t crazy. I went no contact with them 30 years ago at 16. They can all be miserable together without me!!! 💪😎 best decision ever
Oh, he was talking about my life. I’m highly sensitive and I was the scapecoat. In my teens I was rebelling, drinking and acting up. My mother sent me to a psychiatrist, but played a victim and told that she has no idea what is wrong with me and she’s very worried. She knows how to pull those tears out at the correct time. The psychiatrist then berated me for being an ungrateful brat. And my mother stirred up her sisters against me etc. But she never mentioned anyone what my sadistic sociopath father and her were doing to me.
I can relate to this
This sounds like me up to a point, my dad was fine although believed my mother over me and I really think he occasionally saw the light but circumstances and my rebellion made it difficult. I was the problem from day one as an undiagnosed autistic in the family (my dad was pretty much definitely on the spectrum too but his brother and my cousin were more severely affected, as were two other male cousins on my dad's side-all diagnosed but I was a girl in the late 50s early 60s so they overlooked it in me).
Sounds familiar 😅 I survived too. We can create a better life for ourselves! ✝️🇺🇸
I can relate. They will never admit to the role they played in damaging us. That’s why we have no choice but to escape.
Big hug to you. God loves you so so much. As a scapegoat battling depression from my family parents siblings and my ex narc husband, i want to tell you, thank you for being incredibly brave. I'm proud of you.
I was some 65 years old when I realised that I have been the scapegoat my entire life. Not only in childhood but right through my marriage and divorce and treated as such by my grown children. It's a rather shocking revelation, but at least it helps to try to make sense of it. Thanks for this video.
Hello 👋Beautiful Lady 🌹..How are you and the weather condition like ?
Dude - you should try to learn how to read the room.@@Chrisgraww
Amen ❤ you deserve better
We memorized the role. So it appears everywhere. That’s why. Best wishes-
Me too. Love to you
I am the scapegoat, only in my 30's did I start realizing how disfunctional my family really is. They never face issues, rather sweep them under the rug and pretend they don't exist. I started pointing it all out and through my honesty I have now been labeled the bad person. They can not handle the truth that they so desperately try to ignore. So I now do not have contact with most of them anymore. Just to add, I married a fellow scapegoat who also is the one always telling the truth. Together we are strong in our beliefs and morals and not delusional and that bonds us.
All these comments are so validating. I almost unalived myself following a brutal public humiliation that was enacted by them. Post survival, I went NC and focused on my own healing and growth. They can continue to smear my name all they want. I’m moving forward.
My family has publicly humiliated me also. I had a mental breakdown that night, and I've been struggling with unaliving ideations my whole life b/c of them.
@@lmgutier I’m so sorry 🫂 you deserve better. please focus on yourself and your healing. you deserve to be loved and adored
Just know, it wasnt you that was the problem.
I didn't even realize that I was the scapegoat until recently. My family of origin and I parted ways 8 years ago and I am 67 years old now. I blinded myself to the dysfunction all those years. And now my eyes are wide open. It was very traumatic for me to realize that I was hated by them for years and that they just "put up with me" and talked about me behind my back. I am so lucky to be out of that mess. I just hope that someday I can forget the pain they caused me. I never felt that I belonged, either in my home town or in my family. I was always the one who expressed her true feelings. I was open and honest. They were secretive and never shared themselves with me. Now, I have a family with whom I can be myself and I am a loved and valued member of my family.
✌️Here's to Authentic Peace
Nice 🌸
what was hard was going from the golden child to the scapegoat
Yup it's utterly bewildering. I still remember the exact moment I made my "transition"
I was the golden child during my youth, but the older and the further away from my family I got (both literally and figuratively), the more I realized how majorly screwed up it was, and how there was no penetrating the miasma of disfunction and gaslighting. So I rebelled, and over time, received the mantel of the scapegoat, which had formerly been worn by my older sister.
@@jellyroll2102this sounds exactly like my situation!!! I’ve realized my mother is a Narcissist, and at her age of 81; she still doesn’t take accountability for how any of us 6 children turned out!!! I speak my mind, and truth, yet anytime I go to visit; I’m to blame for getting my brother to have a change in his behavior; he’s 54, I have another brother 57; they now are living with her since my Dads death, she’s always favored boys, rather than us girls….. jealousy I presume… and she’s still jealous when I talk to my brothers are the “ Scapegoat “ older sister which she blames for everything!!!
Yep, that happened to me exactly.
Wow. Wow. I was the much younger sibling of three older ones. I screamed my early childhood demanding attention in the bullying and neglect. I shut down…. My sister was scapegoated by my mum. But then my mum and I were left in a very close relationship. Then mum died in my late 30s I had glued our family together. I was the golden child to my mum but my sister started treated me terribly. Interestingly my sister when she tot married in my late 40s, started scapegoating me, then my other two siblings sided with her and now they angrily dump on me as the scapegoat. It’s grief striking and so painful. I have found myself rebelling in despair of the loving connection I used to enjoy. Slowly coming to acceptance that nothing will change.
Never ever have I heard the story of the scapegoat told so perfectly, so succinctly, so pointedly! THANK YOU!!! Finally, we are named as THE HONEST ONE!! Not only did I suffer that crap in my childhood for speaking the forbidden, but even as an adult, I get sh!t for telling the Mutha-effing TRUTH! Didn't stop then. Won't stop now.
I'm 41 and I've given up on the idea of being recognized or validated for my role in my family. Instead, I've turned my anger and confusion into passion for my own life and my work. So at the end of the day, it's a victory for me and I feel gratitude for my past. I wish this for everyone who has been in a scapegoat dynamic.
1:20 Omg!! THANK YOU SO MUCH! You gave me the words I've been searching for!!
I didn't rebel, but when I told the truth about various things, it was perceived as rebellion.
My Golden Child older sister told me that I'm the reason why our Dad was an alcoholic. I'm also the reason why our enabling, codependent mother had weight issues. I'm the reason why our brother doesn't come and see our mom. (I'm her full-time caregiver.)
She also called my kids mistakes.
I'm not sure who damaged me more, my raging, controlling, abusive father, my neglectful, emotionally voided out, chicken little mother or my Jeckyll and Hyde sister.
Huge hug😽
Everything adds to the misery.
Scapegoats are the trash can of the whole family.
Hugs from another scapegoat 🐐
As a recovering golden child, just know she's talking from a place of debilitating shame that's fueled by perfectionism. So sorry about the challenges you've had growing up in a dysfunctional home .
Do what is best for you is all that I got to say. I pray your strength in the LORD IN JESUS' NAME. THE NAME ABOVE ALL NAMES. AMEN. GOD IS REAL, ALIVE, AND WELL. GOD TRULY DOES LOVE AND CARE FOR YOU AND SO DO I. AMEN. YOU MATTER IN JESUS# NAME.
Those things she said are a lie.
I was the problem child. The thing is i was never ever doing the things my mom made up. She made up absolutely insane lies about me even into my early adulthood.
When i would rarely snap because of these lies i was called violent.
I believe my mom had a personality disorder. Both my brother and sister are bipolar.
They have continued the lies about me and have spread them down to their children.
Its bizarre
Yeah I know the feeling ….
Beyond unfair for you, but thankfully you're able to see things for what they really are rather than get sucked into their lies & manipulation! Without knowing you personally, but identifying with you, I have a feeling your nieces & nephews are missing out on who you really are!!
For me, it was my dad. The insane stuff he would come up with to justify something was my fault was absolutely nuts at times. There was never a lie too big for him to tell even if reality was right there showing everyone what he said was untrue.
@@mrsqueakthecat.8061 Whenever I hear of a pattern where a family member goes outta their way to lie about someone, I think narcissism. This is what I've been discovering about my sister who targets me in the same way. Who did the rest of your family believe at those times?
@@daydream_believer They acted as if they believed him so that he wouldn't go after them next even though they knew full well what he was saying never happened.
I went no contact with my abusive family. It really seems like this is the only way.
Sometimes (a lot) it is, because they are unwilling to change.
True and most often it means forfeiting any inheritance and support system as well.
I felt a lot of guilt so I kept going back but the same stuff keeps happening. Like the same cycles since childhood. So I am done and discovering the same, it is the only way.
I was the scapegoat and still am at 50. I never felt I belonged or was wanted anywhere thru out my life. I remained sensitive and now seen as the crazy one of the family all because I didn't conform and now setting boundaries with the family.
Yes! And it affects your whole life as hard to keep frie ndships and rela tionships when you feel so broken and consumed by it all. Has ruined my life basically.
You sound like me! 47 here. I kept going back even with more adult understanding, thinking oh now they're validating my experiences, just to face the harsh but ultimately freeing reality that LOOK, it wasnt my imagination, because every challenge I faced in my 20s and 30s and 40s they found ways to not only not be there for me (just like as a kid), but to demonize me at those weakest times as well. Literally victim shaming and blaming for horrendous abuse .... which i probably could have avoided in my 20s had I had more ability to feel my feelings and trust my intuition more. But not knowing who to trust because no one in one's family is trustworthy, tends to do stuff like that.
But in my 40s I could finally see that's simply how they always had treated me and I couldn't tell because im genuinely a very compassionate person who tends to have endless empathy. Thanks so much for sharing. I feel related lol
@@janec1489 hang in there, Jane. I know those feelings and as far as I can tell they seem to peak right before a breakthrough to greater clarity and empowerment. It's like that saying, knowing is half the battle. We seemingly must identify within ourselves those bits of yuck abusive family's actions left "stuck in our craw", in order to spit it out and continue becoming our truer and truer selves. Be patient with yourself. Kind people will pop out, just give it time.
@@cerin59 Thank you so much for your comment. And I relate to your other comment above too. It can just get so draining living like this can't it, whilst trying your best to do your best. All the best! 🤗
Always felt like a black sheep/problem child who auto piloted through life with rebellion and have problem with authority till this very day. Still navigating through my trauma and mental health in general.. although I accept who I am and am blessed with this clarity from this channel and your teachings at large. Thank you Sensei 🙏🏼
'Sensei' is so befitting 🙏🏽❤️
Do you have a problem with “authority” or only with corrupt self-styled “authority” figures abusing their power?
Can relate... Also being accused of lying when you attempt to tell the truth
Yes and it still hits a nerve when I see liars faking truth in any situation but working on it.
Exactly.
You tell the truth! How clear your understanding is!
I’m so glad that the realizes that not everyone has a dysfunctional family.
We are used to thinking that every family MUST have a scapegoat in order to survive. But that is completely untrue. Your family could have dealt with their own pain. They didn’t have to throw you under the bus. But they did.
There’s a WORLD of difference between the “troublemaker/problem child” & the “scapegoat”. Both my siblings were “troublemakers”. I was - still am - the scapegoat.
This! I was scapegoated but any problem child label was part of that family abuse, not how I was or behaved. I never was "rebellious" until they painted my reasonable resistance as such n
As a teenager in the 70s, I managed to get my parents and older brother into a therapy session at a community clinic in the S.F. Bay Area. My dad shut down the session, yelling at the counselor that I was the family problem, that I created all the family issues. I'm 68 now and still dealing with CPTSD.
You really were too smart for them! Sorry for the hell they put you through!
Horrible parenting, Useless lives. Dont let this define you please
You can only find accountability with yourself. Never force them to account.
@@karamlevi It's worth a try, isn't it?! And the whole justice system is based on forcing accountability on people.
Wow sorry to hear this your brave courageous always remember that at 8 years old my God! 🙏🏾
I live in chains. I pray to God that one day I free myself from these chains. I need a miracle.
Myself too 🥺
Can't expect God to do all the work.
Please go to church and find a loving Christian community to encourage you to pray to God in Jesus most holy name 🙏.
Find good things to lift you up. The beauty in nature and the kindness in a helpful or pleasant word from a stranger sent by God to remind you, that you are first and foremost God's child and He loves you.
Find uplifting music you like of all genres.
God and our good Lord Jesus, have the big picture, knows our hearts and our tribulations.
I recently prayed to God about something that is upsetting me and the next thing put on my phone was a song by Thomas Mac, a Christian in the USA , told not to write Christian songs as no one wants to hear them. No ' doubting Thomas ' what did he do? Wrote a very uplifting song about Jesus Christ , which straight away lifted me up and changed my focus.
Have a look at Thomas Mac music and find his song about ' a " friend who does loves him' Jesus Christ. 🙏 ♥..
I feel you. Miracles happen and I am not religious. Persist take this validation and build on it. My life will be as good as I can grieve. Peace & light🙏🌞
@@UnbreakableGhostFind someone to pray for you and with you.
Forgiveness is the hardest thing to do.
You are a loved child of God first and foremost, never forget that 🙏. ♥
Thanks again for the reiteration..
I am over 50, and since I have started working on my own trauma, I have finally learned to avoid my family and not give any explanations.
Have been through all the stages of being shut down, getting defensive, tell them as it is and realising I was right all the time...and finally I have said to myself..NO explanation, just move on..
Thing is I had to go through all the stages to reach where I am today and i am sure I will have to continue to learn to live as healthily as possible...
I asked my mother when I was in my late forties what I was like as a child. I was looking and hoping for sweet, kind, etc. She hardly batted an eye and said I was obstinate. I was crushed that this was how she remembered me as a little girl. After some thought, I turned obstinate into a positive thing.
I thought my family was functional! I was the middle of 5 children and I never felt like I belonged, as though all of my siblings had something special about each of them, while I had nothing special. I thought maybe I was adopted, except I looked just like my dad. I thank God for my Dad who loved me unconditionally, while I could never please my Mom.
My rebelliousness was along the lines of sneaking around to read way past my bedtime, though Mom caught me almost every time.
Now I understand why I've been a quiet rebel all my life. Being raised on a farm has kept me grounded. Learning about boundaries has kept me sane. God's love for me has made me loveable, at peace, and content with myself.
Honesty! I can't tell a lie with a straight face. It's like I'm blocked against lying, even when it would be to my advantage.
Imacountrygirl
When I asked that same question of my mom she replied, you were "obnoxious"... I was horrified and deeply saddened when I Googled the meaning of Obnoxious...
What does an obnoxious person mean?
highly objectionable or offensive
obnoxious in American English
1. highly objectionable or offensive; odious. obnoxious behavior. 2. annoying or objectionable due to being a showoff or attracting undue attention to oneself."
I have never wanted to be the center of attention... simply because I always felt that I was put in that extremely damaging roll as the scapegoat.
@@ComeOut.BeYeSeparate. Thank you for sharing that! I have learned that what people say to me that hurts me, intentionally or unintentionally, it's never about me. It's always a reflection of their own issues. That doesn't take away the pain it is just how I cope with it. I'm sorry your mom called you obnoxious, you seem like a kind, gentle kindred spirit.
@@ImaCountryGirl2
Thank you...😊
You have a great attitude & I appreciate your sharing... I'm still working through the pain... it's getting easier now having a support system through these videos
I’m a middle child, 2 older sisters, and 2 younger brothers. I’m perceived in my Mothers eyes as the trouble maker when I go to visit…. I’m 60 years old! One would think all that dysfunctional behavior would end with aging, it never does, especially when a mother is a Narcissist
@@Twiddledup Thank you for saying that. This sharing helps confirm that middles (or perceived middles) really are in a unique situation. I've discussed it with each sibling and they cannot understand where I am coming from because they are safe in their own birth order and never saw the whole picture like I did. Just remember when your mom treats you badly, it's not your issue, you're not bad, it's all on her behavior. All we can control is our own actions and reactions. I'm just stubborn and won't let anybody take my peace of heart away from me.
You know what happened to me as a scape goat back then? Instead of being "bad" I excluded myself from any one. I built a wall yes, like the bad boy but I didn't become aggressive (not in the outside, inside I understand now there were, and still is, tons of anger), but depressive. Oh, and hopeless too. Thanks for your videos Tim!! Always helpful! 🥰❤🙏
When I started behaving responsibly and setting boundaries my family was outraged. My father disowned me and my sister denied that she had a brother. They were fine sneering at me but keeping me around when I was drunk every time they saw me.
Yep. They prefer when you’re numb and quiet. My family is the same. They WANT you to shrink into nothingness
Just reading the title made me burst into tears….. thank you, I’ve been saying this forever…. Now I know I’m not crazy like they told me I am.
May you heal and find some light in your life soon
@@annananna6137 thank you…. Thank you so much.
Thank you! I've been labeled as the "devil child" since I can remember because I knew at a very young age that what was going on back then even before I understood what was going on was wrong!
I was the rebellious one. I defied them. Our culture was to blindly follow our parents & elders, no questions asked. I refuse to do that. My character was assassinated by mother to family members and friends who dared to come close to them and I was rejected because nobody saw what I was doing was the result of the overwhelming dysfunction of our family.
When I dared to confront all of them with the truth is when I gained the label, "devil child" and I understood back then that they didn't like the truth and they gave me a negative label to silence me or have other disbelieve me. It worked.
My mother's boyfriend of the month when I was a 14 years old molested me and when I got the courage to tell her which took me about 2 months, she accused me of trying to break them up. Talk about betrayal. She eventually married him and I had to see him & tolerate him for over 23 years until he passed.
I haven't spoken to my mother. I no longer care what she tells everyone about me. I no longer care about what others think of me. I'm an adult and so are they. Many saw the lies my mother was telling about me and some apologized. But life is short and I'm not going to waste it on anyone who despises my existence.
I just can't believe how you summed up my entire life in a 15 minute video. I am now 61 with 2/3 of it under psychiatry and no one in the establishment has even hinted at the fact that it was not my fault from the very beginning
Wow. You had exceptionally bad therapists!
OMG, you are dead on. I was the black sheep, the scapegoat, and I had to battle well into my 40s to be who I really wanted to be. I ended up being the most grounded, principled and mentally balanced of my siblings. I am now veey conscious of how I interact with people and protective of everyone around me.❤
I removed myself twice as a young teenager from the constant scapegoating from my family. The second time I never went back home. Even when I left home I still got blamed for everything that went wrong within my family. Oldest of 8.
I used to try to find solace @ my friend and boyfriends houses, but only to realize that their families were just as bad. 😔🙏 My besties mom AND step mom were like my mom. My boyfriend's uncle was like my mom. 😢. Then years later I actually had a boyfriend like my mom AND dad. 🤔😭 It was hell for almost 3 years straight, the first 1.5 he kept his 🎭 on decently.
Omg! That is exactly what I did. I called my entire family out and said it was the most disfunctional family I ever saw! Then I left, never to return! It was a process to go through as nobody understands so we stay silent. But with God I am in good place. It is lonely at times but the peace is unbelievable.❤
Sirry to hear this.i thought about running away wasnt brave as you i was 11 years old.. it's all a projection for us to carry very sad
I feel your pain, friend. Those ingrates should've been thanking God for you. You deserved so much better.
I won't make excuses for their behaviors towards me, but I now understand they( my parents) were coming from their own traumas while they were growing up, which they never spoke of. My siblings learned their behavior from my parents. I have forgiven them and have compassion for them. I listen to Tim Fletchers videos so that I can facilitate a break of my families ancestral traumas for my children and grandchildren and beyond. I now know they did the best they could. I would not call them ingrate, Hurt people ,hurt people.
lol at the age of 15 I always told everyone that I’m the scapegoat, and no one ever believed me. I was literally to blame for everything, and the cause of all of my mothers grief and issues. It was never her on humanity and shortcomings lol I’m free at 38
Baa baa I am the black sheep but at least I am able to look directly at my reflection in the mirror.
At least we have an identity 😂. We don't need going around copying and pasting and we can be on our own.
"at least I can look myself in the mirror"
Betty White says this in her book: "If you ask me (and I know you won't)". It's a short listen and she narrates the audiobook.
❤ or self reflect
I totally agree!
This guy is talking to me, directly😂
I am the last person left in my family. They have all died. And this pain that he speaks of has gone with them.I am finally happy and at peace.Because I have no more memories unless I want to take them up. And I don't , so i'm finally at peace.
After decades of one on one and group therapy I've had the good fortune of exploring these issues in my life. Still, I'm so grateful for this absolutely stunning message. You have given this scapegoat some badly needed validation. Thank you.
One thing is certain, you can never be right
True, I was the lost child and the truth teller
I was with you up until the bad-boy part. I started having panic attacks in college and I have severe adhd and Cptsd and still have a panic disorder 20 years later. I’m on disability and am basically living alone with barely any contact from family. I’ve actually been the “good boy” but you’re correct about how most of this has played out.
Just watched a couple vids in your series, loved them. I think your archetypes are probably dead on but it’s always more complicated… like I’m probably playing invisible with my family and the jester with my friends. Anyways, looking forward to the rest of this series, thank you 😊
ME too😢
Good point. Some bend over backward, trying their best to be as perfect as possible - to stop the blame. But it doesn’t work in the end.
I’m so sorry. Your story sounds like mine. Panic attacks began early.
You’re not alone. I’m a scapegoat with OCD (a form of anxiety). My bro became agoraphobic and had to overcome that in adulthood to work, but he still has bad social anxiety. My sister has general anxiety and would get panic attacks. My sister almost had to stop working but thankfully got help to overcome panic attacks.
Anxiety, in its many forms, is extremely common among CPTSD adults. And in my family it was 100% 😅
I also don’t think I rebelled as much. But there was a time as a teenager when I took some risks. As an adult, it’s more like I question everything and I don’t respect authority figures unless they deserve it. If I have a toxic boss or coworker, they get zero respect from me! This has caused me some problems, but it’s a knee-jerk reaction that I haven’t been able to help in the past. Idk maybe I will learn new ways…
Thank you for clarification on dysfunctional vs perfect vs functional. I hear this too, that all families are dysfunctional. I’m the truth teller and after my mom died I went no contact with my original family.
I was the scapegoat. I was a highly sensitive and intuitive boy, and that got me in all kinds of trouble, as I could see just what was going on. By the time I was a teenager I'd thrown that sensitive boy under the bus and became a street fighting semi crazy guy. It's good that I became that guy as the sensitive guy would have been buried long ago! Now I'm in my 60's and the 2 of us live together in my head.. the crazy guy and the sensitive boy. So watch out ;) we can be nice, but we can also be fucking crazy
Love it. Well said.
FINALLY SOMEBODY SAID IT IN THE PIC ON THE VIDEO
ABSOLUTELY TRUE.
HONEST CHILD IS ALWAYS THE SCAPEGOAT
I think I have complex trauma, but I’m improving now I stay away from abusive/toxic people and family members
Thanks Tim, at 58 yrs of age, someone said it in a way I understood. Decades of therapy that never came near this once. Thankyou.
I. Can't. Even.
Hearing you speak these words were haunting how every. Word. You. Spoke.
Tells exactly my story. I was the honest child turns out neurodivergent. Couldn't help my honest speaking. Wildly punished for it. Literally need to write a book. Started a few pages. Thank you so much for speaking these words for me. I needed to hear this so bad. How is it possible it's so frequent that there is a pattern this clear. I was born in 79 so when i became adolescenct tough love was the teaching of the day. Except my parents manipulated the rules to suit them locking me out of the home at 11 for being late for curfew. I was blamed for my moms bleeding ulcer and almost dying. The relief I am experiencing hearing this is indescribable. Thank you so much for this presentation. I'm going to subscribe to see how else you can help. Thank you
This explains why I left home at 16.
me too, commando crawled
Proud to be my family's scapegoat for 60 odd years. Some of the time I estranged myself from them. I've overcome it
man, i rocked the boat so much, i sunk myself.. was an excruciatingly and relentless decades upon decades and yes, upon decades, to get thru and grow out of my narcissistic, unnaturally unkind
“family’s” treachery… what a bunch of evil-do’ers bent on destroying me.. i became so disassociated eventually that years and years passed with me basically sleep-walking thru it all…
even now at age 60, i remain only surfacely associated with people.. works best for me like that 👏👏🥳🥳🥳
this is so spot on!! I turned into a verrry “bad girl”😌😌.. i thought, man, y’all were so foul to me when i was truly so good, so accomplished, let’s flip the script and I’ll show you what a true “problem adult child” looks like😤😤😡.. so strap in, cuz imma be giving y’all my very best WORST😌😌.. ultimately, i gave ‘em all many reasons to righteously hate me.. nearly destroyed myself doing it, but now maybe they all will have a chance in the hereafter at receiving some kind of rational reasons for forgiveness for their brutal behavior thanks to me going totally off the rails🤷♀️🤷♀️…. end result is i got myself all back in order and I am a really, really nice girl 🤓🤓👏👏💪👏💪
I feel you 🎉
@@MysteryGrey Yay! Good for you--the bad and final Good!
My narc alcoholic abusiver father’s pain was projected onto the family. So because he was unhealthy and dysfunctional and himself, he had to make sure the rest of us suffered, too.
Hey, did you know my father?
@@AlexandraVioletta these narcs all gave the same issues
Sounds like my life story 🤍💯
it must have been good to have support within, or did some make excuses for him? I know I would 'feel bad' my abusers...it was all so sick, as was I :( I never capital n NEVER had support or mutual verbalization of reality.
@@Jennifer-gr7hn I've Never made excuses for the abuser's poor behaviours. We could tell something was very wrong and wounded/broken with the abuser.
At the age of 62, being the youngest, I have always and to this very day am treated horribly by my family. I'm beyond saddened. I'm now exiled. I'm totally alone. 😢😢💔
It's horrible how it affects your whole life and friendships/relationships....and then end up alone too. I understand.
Me too I’m 55
@@NorettaQuiroz Same age as me!
Same. The whole entire family system was/is sick. Leaving was my only option.
Age 66
I’m the scapegoat in my Asian American family. I have been through so much that I’m fighting autoimmune diseases. This made me cry.
I'm a scapegoat, they lie sbout me.
Because the truth would destroy them....
I'm crying listening to this as I knew this all along, all these years I knew this it what it was! And I even tried to explain it once I became an adult but it is again the same story of " me bringing up problems so I'm the problem again".
I was that child and it was horrible! We all had to go to counseling because of me, but when the counselor told them what they need to do, that was the end of counseling, because the counselor didn't tell me that it was all my fault. I finally rid myself in those people and I'm all the happier because of it. But it only took me 30 years to have enough of their shit.🙏🏼❤
Hahaha! Same exact thing happened with my family!
@lambchoppyboy it is funny isn't it, it wasn't at the time but I reflect on it, and it's just like them idiots. 🤡🤣
I’m sooooo glad Tim is back, I started my healing journey this year, watching his older videos. Now I’m dealing with the knowledge that I was scapegoated… And right on time, Tim makes a video. Thank you for your work, you have no idea how many people your videos impact. Sending love, light and positivity from 🇬🇧 x
Scapegoat here! This talk is so accurate and insightful. And validating. Wow.
Yup. It's confirmed that my family is completely dysfunctional.
don't people see that BLAMING YOUR CHILD
IS abuse?!? shit-talking your CHILD *_SHOWS_*
you are a crap parent, yet people are blind to it
Yep i was the honest one, but im neurodivergent and can't keep eye contact and that was my moms litmus test for lying when she was looking to have something to rage about. Nothing is ever resolved. I never got the direct communication to understand what i was doing wrong, but i noticed patterns and made choices accordingly. I was going to be raged at regardless. I wasn't even a troublemaker I just have autistic and ADHD traits. My brother was allowed to throw eggs at the fridge when he was a toddler. Had I attempted that im not sure id have survived the rage of doing something like that.
I remember making a plan with my sister because I’d realized we always got hit the same time of day, same day, even though we’d spent the whole day perfect. So my sister and I did our plan & our mother kept pushing for a reason to still hit us. I started to believe them saying ‘we can’t all go to bed until the kids have been spanked’ was a rule not a joke.
@@shipratrika2586 weird question. Never feeling like I fit in does. At least that's the draw for adults getting assessed for autism and ADHD, but so does having your child get a diagnosis
@@shipratrika2586 the people in my family that lie don't even realize or acknowledge it. I appreciate the clarification. I'm also very sensitive. Now I don't know how well this will work for me, but my aunt was over visiting and I'm recovering from a minor surgery right now so my aunt began acting nasty when she's talking about politics. She's got no awareness about being mean and nasty when politics comes up so I stood my ground and said I need to to not discuss politics around me. She's extremely judgemental about the other team and I'm so sensitive I can't handle that behavior because she's gets nasty and reactionary years me because she's talking to me and I'm just not ok with the snippy, mean, condescending attitude over a difference of opinions. If she can't play nice and she can't that conversation is off the table for the health of the relationship.
You're not fucking autistic.
Stop crippling yourself with NONSENSE
48 years old and still struggling , in fact I’m in the process of pushing my family further away
Can we please agree on not to call those parents “mom” and “dad”? Because moms and dads care about their children and wouldn’t abuse them like those parents do. They don’t deserve the sacred title “mom” and “dad”.
Someone in comments used the phrase "birthing unit." 😂 I got a surge of dopamine reading that & a sense of release, though I've been no contact for ages.
I've seen "incubator" used before too. & "Sperm donor."
@@WildWoodsGirl65egg donor and spèŕm donor