Family scapegoat, prized, needed and envied | Diane Collins | TEDxFederalHill
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- Опубликовано: 11 окт 2024
- "Family Scapegoat, Prized, Needed and Envied" is a poignant TEDx talk unraveling the complex dynamics of family roles. The speaker explores the burdens and privileges associated with being the 'scapegoat,' illustrating how this role, while challenging, can also lead to personal growth, resilience, and a unique perspective on life. Diane J. Collins is a writer and artist living in Brooklyn, New York. She enjoys having sparking conversations with old and new friends. She is a member of the Elizabeth Nunez Writer’s Group. Her passion is writing life stories. She developed and taught Capture the Feeling and The Pandemic Writing Workshop where she led others in writing amazing life stories in order to better understand themselves and others. She has a MA in English from the University of Connecticut.
She has published essays in Connecticut’s Northeast Magazine and Brooklyn’s Our Time Press. At every opportunity she speaks on the value of reading to children early and consistently. “Let your children catch you reading!” This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
The scapegoat is the one who stands the greatest chance of being mentally healthy!
Yes, because they can see, hear, feel and will speak the truth; they don't agree to play the 'unspeakable' game.
I love this. Thank you
@@anaiis_salles It led me to Jesus, He received me with so much love, while I was in the wilderness and I thank Him for being my best friend.
I’m so scared to face what’s on the other side of healing is it always being trigger or reliving the pain I wish this pain was never inflicted!!
@@lorenald No scapegoat wishes this role upon themselves. A family with healthy relationships among themselves does not need a scapegoat.
EMBRACE FORGIVENESS AS YOUR DIVINE GIFT AND SUPERPOWER FROM GOD!
I became emotionally stronger because of it, without even knowing. Feel free to reach out for any kind of support.
17:54 "So I hope this helps someone".
A scapegoat speaking out, speaking freely, will always help 'someone'. A scapegoat has a voice that needs to be heard.
Ik vond dat de mooiste zin omdat ze waarschijnlijk heel véél mensen helpt!
YES!!!!
I comment on these to show others they are not alone but these vids are triggering
@@TinaBUTCHER-ph1phthese videos are facts!! If you can't handle it stay off of RUclips!
@@TinaBUTCHER-ph1phTina, thank you so much for reaching out to help others despite your own pain. I appreciate the effort it takes to do that. ❤🙏💪💜
Yes, it is a terrible position to be in. Poisons an innocent life. And nobody sees it or believes it, as everyone of the family seems so nice and loving to the outside. Thank you for your brave story and support!
You have just described my family! I thought that when my mother died , the abuse would cease. It didn't ...... silly me. At 50 , I've finally had the courage to walk away. It's been 12 months. One of my sisters keep on trying to bait me back in.....but it's too late. Thank you so much for this video.
I thought the same too when my narcissistic father passed. It got worse!
When I was 50 my mother died and my older sister took over her role of head narcissist. I went no contact . I was done. Best decision I’ve ever made. Keep your distance because it only gets better. I’ve had time to heal but it has been painful. I’m learning how to feel who I am for the first time in my life. You have made a hard but brave decision for yourself ❤ sending you power!
@Michelle-kw2sp exactly the same in my family!
💯 I've been sayin' it got WORSE after parents passed. Especially Mom!
@@IMHip2Thanks for sharing your experience here. I see the parallel with one of my siblings after our Mom passed away.
Thank you Diane. This provided so much comfort for me.
you are so welcomed
@@blueorion13really grateful that you were willing to be so vulnerable to help the rest of us scapegoats become escapegoats! 💜💜💜🙏🙏🙏
The pain and the scars never go away, but I have come to see myself not as the scapegoat but as the escapegoat. I am the only one who was freed from the toxic tribe and was able to go far beyond it.
The story does not involve a "priest" or "family" as she says at the start of her talk. The story comes from The Torah. "In the book of Leviticus the scapegoat was an actual goat upon which were conferred the collective sins of the entire Jewish people." Just enter "scapegoat." It's the first entry of a Google search.
@@kathartickatalyst love the escapegoat!
escapegoat....yes thank you.
Yup- I've been the EscapeGoat. for awhile now. 😂😢😢
I heard 'Sacrificial Lam', the other day and had to admit- that might be more like it in my instance! How about you???
Same. I'll never regret leaving, but it still hurts everyday.
The generational trauma that gets passed down is insane. In my 4th decade and I now realise that I was the Scspegoat all along and the familial narcissism is exactly what has happened on my mother’s side of the family and explains A LOT about her behaviour towards me.
I refuse to pass this toxicity down to my own child.
We are supposed to pass down wealth and wisdom. NOT trauma, shame and guilt.
I noticed at 36. My mother had me outside of her marriage. I became the answer for every problem.
@@amerikanculture4583 It’s projection. They like to shift the shame and blame of what they have done in their own lives, on to us. Rather than accept accountability for their own actions, they want us, their scapegoat, to carry the shame on their behalf.
According to my narc mother, my father made my her get rid of a baby that he believed she conceived outside of the marriage and was not his. She never told me whether it was in fact true that that baby was not his - typical narc - only tells others half-truths. Nevertheless, if the story is true, then I do not condone what my father made her do. Then they conceived and had me and for a while I was my father’s golden child. I think my mother has covertly hated me ever since .. and for events which took place before I was even born.
Stay strong. Our narcissistic parents’ burdens are not ours to bear.
Generational trauma is real. I've learned and still learning how to let it go.....it's not worth it. Don't let this type of trauma rob you from living life.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
My narc mother is the same as her brother and their father, it's generational, their scapegoat brother managed to escape without trace. Good on him
When she says “families help each other? Is this for real?” Hits home
I usually laugh. It can't be real. I mean, who does that? Support each other?? I call bs.
Right. I didn't even realize how bad it was until I was a teenager.
@@whipwalkyou know exactly what she said and it's not what you're trying to make it sound because it's not support in a good way it's protection for their abusers
Misogynistic families are narcissistic families!!
From scapegoat to GOAT! So proud of this woman and all my fellow scapegoats.
🐐 🤍
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If only we could all be in a room together. ❤love and understanding , would be like medicine to my soul
❤❤
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I was my mother's scapegoat. The abuse I suffered was unimaginable.
I would give this a thousand likes. You can tell this lady has been through it. God bless her heart. Thank you for talking about this. We will no longer be silent!
I agree 💯
❤️🩹❤️🌱🌳
I agree totally, we will no longer be silent.
Hugs 🫂 🤗
@@mday3821 🫂keep healing 😇
I can feel her pain
Most people who give Ted talks have something worthwhile to share. But it’s so rare to hear someone speak with so much beautiful, hard won authenticity. Bless you 💜
Sarah I totally agree. I am so moved and so affirmed by Ms Diane Collins TED talk. I am very glad it appeared in my feed.
@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 🙂💚
❤❤❤❤
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She's talking pretty normal too like I was just sitting in the living room with her she's not doing some motivational type speaking I'm saying the way she talks is fitting for the topic
I went no contact with the ringleader, my mother. She then triangulated everyone against me including overseas relatives who I hadn’t heard from in years, my acupuncturist and family doctor to try to hoover me back to her. I had to cut off all her enablers including my father who was being the worst flying monkey (even though she treats him like dirt, he still defends her). My mother is 82 and frail but her mouth is caustic and lethal. Her mind is astute and sharp… and destructive, envious, sabotaging etc. Now I’m again the scapegoat for ‘making her suffer’ apparently because I’ve gone no contact with her and everyone connected to her. I’m about to move to another state with my daughter to add distance. So much energy enlisted by my mother and her flying monkeys to create as much trouble as possible. I can only thank God that I’m secure within myself and don’t accept any blame from them. To others in this situation, be strong, prioritise yourself, your health and concentrate on people who love you, your animals and your hobbies. Thanks for this talk and blessings to you madam ☀️
then your mother is a Narcissist.
Self preservation, if at all possible, is 100% no contact.
Can definitely relate. The triangulation is so brutal bc though you know what is happening the triangulated oftentimes do not but there's no point in trying to explain yourself. Also the flying monkeys- it all makes you feel victimized again and again. Good luck to you and your daughter.
82- she could like quite a few years yet- unchanged and her advancing years a social narrative for guilting those who walk away. Well done you.
I can also relate, a new one I was recently blamed for was my younger siblings passing away. I know that deep down inside she knows why my brother passed. ( influences of drugs in the home, lies, betrayal, my brother and I grew up w that) , after my brother passed, I tried being there for her, I even stayed over for the holidays at both parents house w my daughter. I went back home w a severe chemical burn 🔥 on my face and noticed how my facial products were burning my skin severely just to the touch of applying it to my face. I had severe dermatitis for about a whole year. This was really the last straw for me. Also she went crazy when I tried reaching out to my dad’s side of the family. I noticed deep rooted insecurity in her bc of me. I confronted her a couple times about the way she projects me online and to family members. ( her projection of me is ; I ruined her life, even though she chose to be and have children w a man addicted to drugs , even though all the struggles in her own life was a result of her choices) - her answer is everything is my fault 🤦🏽♀️, including my brothers passing. But God showed His face to them at the wake and at the funeral. My mother’s shame was seen by those there and by our Lord and Savior. This helped me to understand that judgement is real and that God sees everything. I lost my little brother, my other half. At first I was angry and questioning God. But my God understood me and forgave my anger. I forgave my parents. I left them at the feet of Jesus. I’ve limited contact with them. Even though my mother still thinks she can control me and still stalks me on socials and adds my high school friends to intimidate. I decided that soon I might also move to another state, if God willing.
Stay strong.....keep that distance...your safe the father away the better 🙏
The softness of her voice and her reserved body language and cadence is so loud to me. As somebody who also has had to hold back, I see myself in her.
Me too. It's gets seen as weakness or extreme shyness but it's anything but.
Ditto 😊
❤
@@Faith_Chicorrect. It’s real strength! 💪 not that fake stuff that narcs put out.
Same. Sending love to you. ❤
I waited til i was sixty to say enough. I wasted a lot of time. Please love yourselves all you scapegoats out there. Build your own life and family and be content with that ❤
❤❤
3 years no contact. Daughter mentions nanny. Bang. The fear sets in again
It's so difficult when they have hardwired you to be dependant on them
@@TinaBUTCHER-ph1ph
Yes, they pretend to be ‘normal’ by occasionally treating you like a person (but always in front of someone else they are trying to con), and very occasionally throwing you a small crumb (also witnessed by others), while making sure you know that without them, you wouldn’t even have that small crumb.
They take everything, and demand that you be grateful for the one tenth of one percent that they return to you (and always in front of others).
"You become invisible,"
Yes, that's the effect it has over time.
The family talks over you. But never with you.
They leave you out.
All who participate in the family do the same. They then have a position inside that family.
And they want to be somebody inside the family.
Never talks with you.
Invisibility becomes invincibility 💪
The TRUTH sets us free and imprisons them..stay strong brothers and sisters 💜
@@KarenKeating-t2p What a powerful message.
Thank you, thank you. That is very encouraging.
@@Ed-lianKeep on keeping on 💛 the blessings that come with living in the light of truth are as hard to believe as our previous 'lives' were.
Much love to you 💜
Well said. They'd grab my boyfriend to join in.. my experience was so unbelievable. He'd join in to fit in.. rather than go against the grain. They taught any man who liked me, that I was not worthy (in frontof me and behind my back). How painful
The one that is the escape goat has the biggest and most caring heart. That used to be me. Now I am the enemy to most of my relatives. I do not want anything to do with them. I am fed up.
Hard role!
Yes 😊
I am done with them too. I have had enough.
I can certainly understand. Sometimes the manipulated extended family members (who believe all the lies) are so pathetic and foolish.
I have experienced this both by a narcissistic mother who tore the extended family apart and by my ex-husband who is another narcissist who has pitted all 3 of my children against me. My heart is broken beyond belief.
I am healing and praying for God's strength.
Family scapegoat here. Thank you for this.
This makes me cry and shake uncontrollably, because I’m the goat that’s constantly being sent off to the mountain to carry their sins. 😞😭
Hugs to this lady because I relate to everything she is saying. If your family could wish you dead they would, thats how devastating being a scapegoat is, your life means nothing, if they don’t get what they want.
Exactly! Always felt like the burden with their passive aggressive remarks and actions that don't match their words.
I've been crying and just numb, staring in silence at the screen.
@@missmaxinethompson7407you're gonna be ok ❤
When I told my family I tried to kill myself. Nobody said anything cause they were trying to avoid the blame.
We are seeing this right now in real time.
She just told my story.
This! Mines too.
Plus 1 🙋🏾♀️
Mine, too.
Send a hug. You are loved❤
Jesus Christ is the ultimate scapegoat template. "No one in the family is going to come to the scapegoat's aid because they do not want that position." We know what's going on is generational and it has been stopped in its tracks. Thank You dear Sister 💓🌹
facts
I hate to burst your bubble,, but Jesus was crucified for being a child trafficker. It's in the source texts. Sorry, but you could update your hero template with someone much better.
@@cerin59 Triangulating an ancient carpenter? 🤨😂🙄 Lol. We see through all the tactics, around here. Wrong crowd. 🙄 Don't answer me. I'll just go no contact. 😂
@@cerin59ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE!!
@@cerin59 ... and the churches founded in his name have carried on the tradition ever since.
YES! My mom hated when my sister and I got along-she loved stirring the pot and getting us mad at each other.
Truth. My Dad to this day hates when us 4 kids talk and get his number of the pot stirring. We call him the wedge. He wedges us all apart with comparisons and telling each other different stories to spin us up against each other. I just pulled away from them all. Saved my peace.
Same
I figured this out for my friend. It’s the narc mom!
🎯🎯🎯 My mother was a narcissist. My sister is a sociopath. My niece is the flying monkey! My father and I were the scapegoats. Always! What I also learned at the very end of my parent’s lives was that my grandfather on my mother’s side was infinitely more horrific. Generational for sure! Many thanks to you, Diane Collins, and blessings for all those who suffer. ☮️
This is the bravest Ted talk that I've ever seen. I have also been the scapegoat in my family. And everything this lovely woman describes is 100% accurate. Educate yourself about narcissistic personality disorder, and narcissistic tendencies.
Thank you so much for your words. And congratulations on developing into the warm, wonderful human being that you have become. As you well know, most people don't get there.
Yes - she's brilliant, articulate, insightful and generous ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Yes, a dear sweet soul. A lovely woman. 🙏❤
I would love to put on a pot of tea and sit and talk with her. What a beautiful soul.
I’d love some champagne with her
I was the Scapegoat because I was independent. I challenged my alcoholic father and it enraged him. I also happened to look just like my enabling, codependent mother.
My siblings, including my Golden Child older sister, both look just like our father and were compliant.
So, as the youngest daughter, I was piled on by the 4 people in my family. I was the rotten egg. I was the defective one.
Im curious, were you the first born? I read somewhere that most dysfunctional families pick the first born as scapegoat, and the last born as golden child.
@@Aria-sm7xv In the long history of family dysfunction, the scapegoat role may shift. My eldest sister was ruthlessly harassed by the golden child, the middle child. As we matured, me being the youngest sister, and my mother’s resentment of my birth (me not being a boy), that role landed permanently on me. I had hoped my eldest sister would be the one to expose this dynamics and support me, but instead she went along with the mob, guess she was relieved it wasn’t her anymore, and came at me with a vengeance. I have no use for sisters, I don’t care to have a group of friends because it’s safer for me to stand on my own. The Cinderella story is far more toxic when the mother figure is your own flesh and blood. I have a new respect for step mothers, they get the raw deal. Just because a parent is your own flesh and blood it does NOT mean they will treat you best. My mom thought I was a waste of time, energy and finance. She often complained through out my childhood, that she felt women should be able to pick and choose what gender the child they would have and should be able to discard the gender they didn’t want. Thus my feeling of being a LIVING ABORTION! My dad straight out told me that their only mistake was being held back financially for having 4 children instead of 3, they got their boy on the 4th try. So I’ve been blamed for all the family problems. If people really took a hard look at the trauma caused by rejecting and resenting a birth of a child, abortion would not be an issue. I guarantee most criminal activity and drug addictions are rooted in parental rejection.
I beg to differ..my oldest brother was the golden child and myself, the youngest, the scapegoat. It’s different in every family..
@@Aria-sm7xv I am the second out of 8 and I am the scapegoat
@@Aria-sm7xv I am a first born and was the scapegoat. Free and healing for the last few years IJN🩸🔥🕊
Thank you for sharing your story, Diane Collins. This information about the scapegoats in a severely dysfunctional family system is invaluable. It's a painful legacy. I'm the scapegoat daughter of a covert narcissistic mother. She has done so much damage in my life. I've finally gone no contact at age 64. 🕊
💛Me too🙏
@@LorettaLong-pr3wg you give me hope! I'm 63 and dream of going no contact. Maybe I'll go thru with it next year!
🖐️ Hello my unbiological siblings! 🥰
@@sharonthompson672hi🖐️love you...stay strong 💪 the broken are the more evolved 🙏💛
Your talk describes my family. I’m 67 years old and seeing family and myself clearly for the first time. I’ve backed away to save myself.
No contact with my narcissistic parents for a year now. I am slowly starting to heal. 47 years of being their scapegoat before I realized. Ty for sharing your story it gives me strength.
I’ve read so many of your comments and I feel like we are family. Wishing all my scapegoat brothers and sisters happiness and the feeling of freedom.
Sending you a big hug, sis! 🫂💜
We are family. I’ll meet when are both stars dancing in the sky next to the moon on a very dark night.
Thank you so much, Diane, for standing there, a living embodiment of one who has been scapegoated, showing your wounds, and your brilliance. It was so valuable. Let's all remember: we are not what people say about us.
👏👏🏽👏🏾👏🏿👏🏼👏🏻
Yes, this is very helpful. We scapegoats need to unite to uplift each other!
You're describing of most of my very splintered family here. Generations of it blended with alcohol addiction and hatred. It takes a very strong person to stand against it.
only my faith in EL Shaddai has enabled me to still be here on this earth and escaped from it IJN living in peace now
It certsinly dues. They try to break you in 2.
Thank you !!!!!!!! It helps
Thank you for sharing your story.
You are so right! OMG you are telling my story! Thank you for sharing! God Bless
I can so relate to her watching other people’s family dynamics on American Idol. Things like these always make my heart sink and I ask myself what life could have been with a loving family 😢
It always hurts me to the core seeing mother daughters, father -daughters, family cohesion, all of it. I have a Better Father now IJN . The Absolute Best - El Shaddai
Same. I feel like I was held back so much by being deprived of any support system.
Don't get too caught up in the families on singing shows. They know they're on TV. Of course they will appear supportive. The reality: maybe they are supportive and maybe they are not.
You spoke for me -- I was the scapegoat in my family -- and it was like you were there with me. You have done great in breaking this dangerous cycle. It has helped me!
The little me says I’m sorry to all of the little yous. We are collectively broken but never.. *never* .. invisible. Sending love ❤
I love the way you said this.
Thank you friend ❤️🙏🏻
❤
I’m a scapegoat, thank you for speaking out so clearly. My Psychopathic Narcissistic mother just died too. They didn’t even write an obituary for her. I’m fixing that. It’s not the eulogy she was expecting. I am writing a clear, honest alert to other family members. And I’m clearing my name in the process.
wow. If you don't mind, please come back and share... love stories of people getting justice and taking back their power.
Why bother?
@@JessicaFletcher-nn5ss Do you mean why bother writing her obit/eulogy? It’s how we process death. Which means life, how we process life.
Oh my goodness. Your story is similar to mine. My mother died one month ago, July 4th. I didn't go to her services which were held two days ago. They wrote an obituary for her but they were so emotionally charged as she was in her last days. She poisoned their minds and they were coming for me for over a month, trying to get me to fly up there and be around all those low vibrational energies. NO THANK YOU, I'm going to the beach 🧘🏽♀🧘🏽♀
@@theevolvingmindset333 I know my family does not like me either. I know that I would not be treated nice at the funeral when that time comes. I believe she plans on giving everything to my sister anyway. The beach sound good to me also.
I was the escape goat .. that ESCAPED!
unlike most, i was PROUD of it because it meant i wasn't THEM. I didn't/wouldn't conform to them to the family's dynamics of abuse of denial of it all. I ESCAPED from it all at 14 and left them it all behind me
Was ALWAYS PROUD never ashamed for doing saying what's right as a whole and not just what was right for me.
I even reported them to poilice as soon as was old enough, got convictions they were sent to jail, SMASHING the entire family's abusive cycle to pieces
EXTREMELY PROUD OF THAT hated even more by the family now ! Doesn't bother me and never has, in fact, it would bother me more if i 'fitted' into the family & if I was acceptable to the family
Because then I would be the same as them!
Now was ii angry about it OF COURSE I was
But my inner self guided me out of that, showing me it was a BLESSING to be the escape goat
Because it helped me ESCAPE from it all and not repeat it all ❤
This!! All of this!! We CAN fight back and dammit fighting back Is what I did💪🏽the other side is much better!
@kaylabean3693 TRUTH hats off to you 👏 🙌 we didn't become it couldn't conform to it SMASHED IT so others weren't touched by it ... THATS what it's all about ✨️❤️
@@azaleaslight3599Periodt!! We literally took our power back! And I love that so much for us💪🏽💖💖
@@kaylabean3693 I know help others do the same 🙌 once people see the BLESSINGS of not fitting in not conforming to the family dynamics it's a game changer in how they think see feel about themselves, it completely changes the way they see themselves, I love it when I see feel it 'click' inside of them and I know thats it now, it's all they needed was a different perspective about it all about themselves.
From ashamed of themselves to PROUD for being the escape goat of the family 🙌❤️
I feel this so so much.
At age 5, I screamed at my mother that I was never getting married or having children because I would never treat my family the way she treated me. I still get mistaken for weak from time to time.
I’m listening to her story and my heart is pounding.
My narc father convinced my mother that I stole her jewelry when she was in the last few months of her life and sick with cancer.
She asked me if I had taken them and I was shocked! I said no and she seemed fine and said maybe she misplaced it.
A few days later she seemed mad at me. I kept asking what’s wrong but she would say nothing.
Apparently he convinced her that I was lying. It hurt me to my core, like she doesn’t even know me even though we had always been close.
Our relationship was never the same. She died without it ever feeling resolved.
My family did not allow me to have any input into her memorial service and pretty much ignored me.
That was several years ago but this video made it feel like it just happened. It still hurts.
This was my family and me growing up. I understand now why everyone turned on me, even my own mother.
My mother tried, but her mother broke her before I was born to her at 17. Being a scapegoat made me fierce. No lie (no matter how sugarcoated or twisted) will ever change truth. This woman is so beautifully tender. Bless her for standing up and telling the truth.
It does take a strong personality to overcome, I've come to the conclusion that you have to be stronger than them. In my case it truly took a divine will for that power. I'm glad for your victories.
Peace
Thank you. You are brave to speak.
When dad died, I was the scapegoat. Now I am homeless at 71 by my families choice.
I am so very very sorry. I pray God protects you and helps you find a way out of that situation. You deserve peace and happiness. I will pray for you. Sending you love & good wishes for hope and better days ahead. Stay safe and God bless you. 🩵🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🩵
I am 66 and homeless by my sisters withholding my inheritance. You are not alone, be strong. They are the weak and unworthy ones. 🙏
@@thedawn4362that's criminal and so cruel..May the divine assist you. Ask for divine assistance to be helped in a surprising way. Ask deeply and you will receive.❤
Exception talk. So genuine. Straight from the heart .
I am a scapegoat being alienated and punished for finally saying enough. The tactics used to diminish me and any person who loves me has been so eye opening. The envy, loathing and desire for my demise makes everything clearer. Thank you for speaking up. You are not a thief and neither am I.
The scariest part is some of this families portray the perfect family image, even members of the family not aware of the dynamics.
I was adopted by one of this families at 11.
I came from a family of alcoholics and my mother was openly violent, cunning and ice heart person. She crushed my soul as a kid.
I took me 15 years or so to discover the family that adopted me where kids in adults bodies. No surprise no one of them knew anything about me.. never asked me or invited me to speak about my childhood. For them I was like a puppet, a person that behaved very well, a talented kid that would stimulate them.. but no one of them knew ANYTHING about my emotions, emotional needs, sadness…
I just had to fit into their nonsense dynamic. Nobody talks about feelings, nobody is honest, just playing the perfect happy ( actually passive aggressive no boundaries ) people.
I’m glad I left at 18. I felt guilty for many years.. no more. I just feel sorry for them but I’m ok, I’m on my own.
Wow, you were so wise to leave at 18
I admire your intellect and strength. I hope you get a happy ending to your story. 💜🫂
Bless you sweetheart, I was the same in my family. It’s soul crushing, but you can heal from these awful family dynamics and create the life you deserve. Hope you have a better life now.
Not to be rude but damn it seems we've all come from the same family! :)
The speaker traces the dynamic back to her homeland of Jamaica. The scapegoat mentality is truly a core generational curse that pervades the complicated experience of caribbean peoples. It severely damages young minds contributing to, along with other factors, one of the highest murder rates in the world.
Lateral violence, racism, patriarchy and family violence have a lot correlated to scapegoat behaviour patterns… thank you… fantastic video… has reached a new person ✨⚡️🌦️
If people stayed in their own homelands, the racism card could be left off the table. Constantly comparing yourselves to Whites isn’t healthy. Patriarchy is what builds nations. Men are supposed to lead.
Thank The Almighty for bringing us back, alive, we'll, and loving from the deserts.
I love how you eloquently describe the disfunction of your family which is transparently identifiable in so many families. I admire your courage to share the information that will liberate others.
Thank you. That was very helpful. Family dysfunction rolls down from generation to generation, like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its' path until one person in one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to their ancestors and spares the children that follow. I hope you know YOU are that person.
I just realized something after listening to this. I was the family scapegoat growing up. I'm also a Capricorn, the goat. Stubborn and hardworking.
My aunts were always fighting. One of them was specially sick. My mom was the healthy one and the scapegoat. I envied healthy families ever since I remember, and probably to the grave.
I am my families scapegoat. I’m in my 60’s now and just saw a therapist ( 2 times now). It hurts, what is said about me is not true and the loneliness without family is isolating. It’s very hard.
I understand. Keep going to therapy. Please. I am in my 70s . God Bless
Just know.. they lied on the most high. You gon be ok. Embrace kindness and goodness from small talk and people in your everyday journey! Family is just DNA.
They are not bigger than the cause, the mission.
Bless you sister. We sense your sincerity bc we too have endured this horrible abuse. Something most outside folk don't seem to understand about this wickedness is this: think about it- what type of "mother" actively tries to get people (anyone who will listen) to hate her own child, her own flesh and blood?? Just sayin'. Thank you so much for shedding light on this highly misunderstood topic.
Yes and people will still shame you for walking away from your mother
Diane, thank you so much for your courage. 🤍
Very happy she stepped out to share this valuable understanding of the trauma associated with being the scapegoat. I was this person. Hard and confusing life. Grateful, to God who brought me out of this dark place of worthlessness. Great yalk.
I was a scapegoat. My sister was the golden child and could do no wrong.
Wow. Very powerful. I too am a scapegoat and I can relate to everything you are saying. How brave of you to come forward and share your truth! You are someone special.
Bless you..and thank you..
I am the youngest of 8 children and my mother is a Narcissist. A large so called ‘Christian’ family and I am the scapegoated child. Once again I have been excluded for a family wedding without an explanation. It is soo hurtful but have very limited contact with any of them. My mother is 92 and though she will not be able to abuse anymore I’m dreading the fallout when she passes from my siblings.
Be proud of yourself and do not dim your light for anyone ❤
Me too. Never got an invite from the powerful leaders in the family. I always found out through one sister who would speak to me what was going on re family holidays etc. It was so hurtful. Still hurts. And Im 56.
@@Victoria-gq8gt ❤️
Consider going No Contact and releasing them. Many of our parents operate by Religious Spirits. Petition the Courts of Heaven (Robert Henderson) and seek Deliverance from those Familiar Spirits in your family line.
I think that too when I see family that helps and puts them through college and stuff like that. I can’t imagine what that’s like.
Not all narcissists have trauma. I don't know why it's so hard for people to accept that some people have a serious defect of character and it's innate. I recommend watching and listening to Dr George Simon about this topic.
Thank you for sharing. I'm curious what he says. I've heard people split off because they can't handle the craziness. I've seen that.
I wish I could meet you. Your courage and story moved me deeply. I am a scapegoat and am 67 and still in deep pain for what my narc mother and sibs plus extended family continues to do to me.
I wonder at times what Gods plan is for us scapegoats. I have to believe it is something special because of the unfair suffering we have endured.
I feel and have experienced exactly the same, and I am in the same age range as you. Please keep your spirits up, keep moving forward. Do what makes you feel good and happy! Successful healing is in your future (and mine too)❤
Sounds like you need to escape from them. 😮
I can't believe this only has this many views, thanks for speaking out the truth so many of us live
So glad I saw this in my feed. My step dad is the narcissist. He has went out to ruin my life since I was a kid. Turned his whole side of the family against me and was bullied as a kid. My mom oblivious to it all, even though he calls her names, hides things from her to make her feel guilty for losing things. I became aware of the patterns from a young age. I am the scapegoat still to this day. It has been a very difficult life. I am so glad that God has provided His peace through Jesus. It has been my only peace in life.
He, you mean HE is...right? Jesus is the only friend who will never let us down
Glad you shared your Bestie for a second.
Jesus was the original scapegoat. The victory is won God bless us all❤
I’m the family scapegoat. I escaped overseas. It got much worse when my mother died, my sister and ex husband colluded to get my children to cut me off.
This happened to me too. My mother and sister colluded with my ex, to alienate me from my children.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm sitting here in Madrid on vacation from California and stumbled on your presentation. I am awed by how wonderful you explain the scapegoat.
I said to myself out loud, "This is such a great explanation."
I have never heard it explained so incredibly clear and interesting. 🎉
Wow!
GOAT= Greatest Of All Time! Have a great day!
I was the scapegoat in my family ! My parents are dead but the siblings still won’t have a relationship with me. My older sister died,my brother has stage 3 kidney disease and my baby sister won’t talk to me. Everything you said is true ,it is generational.I saw my own grandmother tell my mom not to talk to other family members. The rule was ,if you’re mad at someone,everyone has to be mad at them. They all need Jesus 😇🙏🏻
I understand. Truly sorry you are experiencing this. God Bless You
'If the hand that rocks the cradle is not well, you have to say so, because it will just continue...'
When the hand that rocks the cradle is sick. I am 38 and I have wanted my mother to get therapy since I was 21. I noticed the heavy deep depression, resentment, unhealthy communication levels, the ignorance of trauma, the lack of self care in her presentation. How she never has anything positive to say and could stay on yhe phone for hours snd gossip.
My older sibling carries a lot of her traits. I don't but it is projected that all I do is talk about people, that I am hateful, at one point had people in my family calling me a crackhead.
I stayed close because i became an aunt at 23 and I understood what I was lackomg in my development so, I wanted to be a safe space for my niece and I wanted her to see how healthy relationships operate. So, a lot of past friends that had the dame level of disrespect as my mother or sibling would have towards me, I simply cut them off. Anybody that I have supported through the years in anyway and it was not reciprocated, I cut them off. I do have healthier people in my life that I do feel they are safe and supportive, but I had to take time to work on me, as well as work on the business projects that God had trusted me with.
I am shown my strength daily and I am proud at how aware I was and took the necessary steps to build my own confidence toy standard and not the standards of others that paint a picture of me sd crazy, troubled, awkward, mean, standoffish, etc.
As a chocolate skin covered lady, I know all to well how colorism delays opportunities, because my sibling is a lighter complexion and I witnessed first hand from family to community how that dysfunctional perception can cause financial stress, cause relationship and friendship stress, and overall I choose to keep speaking my truth and keep a healthy distance from those who treat me with the absence of integrity.
You described my entire life😢
Phenomenal bravery!!! Thank you for sharing!!
Thank you for sharing. Your story reminds me of a similarity with mine: My narcissistic mother described how the male children in her family were given different food at table while the girls were left out of having butter, sausage, eggs, etc.,
She certainly scapegoated her “worthlessness” on to me (she married my dad who thought my brother was worthy of UC Berkeley education etc while I was
told to “marry someone rich”), but, by the grace of God I am healing and like you, I pray that my sons receive the same healing and wholeness.
When I figured it out I was already 60. So I added goats to my farm. Luv them so much.
😂❤
I'm a scapegoat in my family your story is so heartbreaking.
Me 2!! 💔
Love & Blessings.❤❣️🙏
I am almost 70 years old. I was the scapegoat. I never could see my own face in my dreams. You just told my story. Thank you.
Diane Collins you are a beautiful Jesus scapegoat voice. Bless you and your family.
One love❤
Thank you for sharing your story :) Let them think what they want!! They don't define you as a person. You can be your own mum. You are creating your own loving and supportive family!! That little 8 year old living in you is proud of your bravery!!
I’m also my family’s scapegoat. Sending love to this beautiful soul. Thank you for your talk. I’m only just beginning to realise that I am not alone in this cruel situation.
I was a scapegoat. This is an excellent talk!
from scape goat to wild goat. AND PROUD. well done to this lady. No contact is key.
They even tried to sacrifice me. This scapegoat is ready to give their sins back, i want my blessings, they can keep their sins!!
I’m living breathing
Truth this is. A reality.
I’m thankfully
Awakened
Thank you Diane for being so transparent!
This resonates so much. Prayers to those seeking healing.
Love this speaker! Thank you Diane Collins
I want to hug this woman so much. The pain is so real and so deep 🐐
Bravo, Diane. ❤
Dear heart, I never knew I was the scapegoat, isolated and demonised. Now I am 72 with none of the family to repress me, I am jubilant in the knowledge that I am a beloved mother of children who love and respect me. I still cannot fathom the depth of confusion that harnessed me as a scapegoat, but I know it to be true.
Beautifully spoken! Enjoy your true life now. You are free.♥
Thank you, thank you! I so appreciate you sharing yourself, your experiences with us. I found your words so validating!!
Wow! You explain the problem so directly and tell your story so vividly. So many will be helped by this talk.
Yes! I'm the goat Greatest Of All Time and I've proved it through blood sweat and tears. Of course all things are possible through my heavenly Father God
Bless you ❤ great explanation of a complicated dynamic. As empaths we learn from and feel compassion for each other’s stories. Like you I decided this generational trauma was stopping with me as the scapegoat and I was determined to not let it touch my children. Scapegoats are the strong ones because we don’t rely on bringing other people down to feel good about ourselves… instead we lift ourselves up
About 6 months ago I visited a neighbor and commented on a flower pot she had on her porch. I asked her where she got it and she told me her brother gave it to her and she didn't know where he got it.
That sticks with me even today, 6 months later... my brother wouldn't give me a second thought much less bring me a flower pot. My favorite shows are American Idle and the Voice... for the same reasons as you. I also like the Andy Griffith Show and can only dream of a father like Andy Taylor. 😢
i understand
Jarring, isn't it? When you see how normal families function vs yours.
Beautiful!!!
Your Ted Talk touches me deeply, as I was my family's scapegoat too ...
Some of our details differ. For example, I was "chosen" for a different reason:
It was because I didn't start talking until very late (due to parental violence that terrified me so deeply that I made the conscious decision to NEVER speak) ...,
During that period, my mother, along with her extended family, consciously chose to scapegoat me, ...
... They chose ME because they thought I'd NEVER speak. (A cousin told me all of this AFTER my mom died ... This cousin said he knew ALL ABOUT IT, ALL HIS LIFE ... because the ENTIRE FAMILY had to play along with Scapegoating me ...
...In my cousin's words, they tightly colluded "because nobody wanted "It" to be them!") ...
... But I DID learn to speak, Although it was late! When I was in my 30's, my mom told me that when it happened, I came out speaking full sentences and telling her what I wanted! 😂 ...
Even after that, NOBODY HELPED ME escape their Hateful Narcissism ....
They just doubled-down, Gaslighting me and going "Covert" for the rest of our lives: Deadly ...
... But you and I do share many other details and the overall gist of Narcissists:
Narcissists work to destroy the scapegoat's sense of self, quality of life, and their reputation.
Thank you for telling your story and putting Narcissistic Scapegoating into words for us.
❤ I wish you ALL THE BEST going forward!!!