What happens to the scapegoat in adulthood?
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- Опубликовано: 29 сен 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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The moment the scapegoat of the narcissistic family starts setting healthy boundaries, that is the moment when the scapegoat becomes the blacksheep of the family.... . Harsh reality...
Bah, bah💯
But so accurate sad reality 😞
So true!
Yea I was pointing out shit wasn't right or normal before i hit double digits.
I never walked on eggshells though. Maybe because i rebeled against being scapegoated beside my golden child brother so young, the consequences for defending myself became the norm and part of the cycle.
I had no idea about all this terminology or that it went deeper than just having a shit mum.
But I became the black sheep very early. And it rippled outwards from immediate family through to extended family and into my adult relationships, I definately held onto hope too long, and I think the hope is what kept me speaking up, trying to get them to finally have an "ah ha" moment.
@@LoziPop I'm sorry you had to go through that. I understand it must've been hell. Just like you said, I too rebelled from an early age and I was labeled as "difficult". My brother was the golden child here too. Except we were both physically abused a lot, and he became exactly like them, maybe even worse and I became everything they were not.
I just want you to know that you went through hell and you are still fighting, you are an empathetic person with a beautiful heart.
And this in my opinion makes you a warrior. A kind hearted warrior. I hope you have a wonderful life ahead and I wish you all the best. I hope you find the right people for yourself because God knows you deserve it. I don't know you, but I want you to know that I'm rooting for you :)
There was an interview with a survivor of the holocaust, he talked about how he got down and prayed one night in the camp. His friend asked him what he was doing. He replied, "I'm thanking and praising god". And his friend responded "Thanking god? Why in the world are you thanking god? Do you not see all this torture and death. How can you be thanking god for all this?" He then replied "I'm thanking god because I would rather be me than the guards doing all the killing and torturing. I would rather be the one to have humanity, than the one to have lost it". Your experiences don't have to be as extreme as being in the holocaust to see how this truth applies in our lives and our world. Be grateful to still have your humanity, rather than be the among ones who lost theirs.
So well explained!life ..death...good...evil. ..God...satan...boils down to the Biblical explanation of choices...Thats why Jesus came...to set us free..but we are given a choice to go our own way...Narcisstically to evil selfishness!
Or choose what a loving, just God has offered us. Jesus deepest love offering and payment for ALL the heinous ugliness and sins of the world...Himself.
Such a paradox. ..yet not...
If we trust In Him.
...l thank Him for reaching out to me...& using His Word (the Bible) & people like Dr Ramani & her expertise ( thankyou sooo much.💖 ) and Dr Les Carter and Laura..in my lifes journey to a healthier place.
This is so true! 💕
your story is the perfect example of cognizant dissonance; scapegoated individuals have to be alert to NOT buy into that technique.
@Ry Poelk
Thank you.
@@20sandi12 interesting comment
“The wound is where the light enters you”. I love that!
It’s a derivation of a famous lovely quote
I had to rewind to make sure I got it. My entire body shivered and tingled at hearing it.
There's a quote and I don't know who made it about broken windows and that the cracks are how the light gets in. There's also an Asian philosophy called wabi Sabi, which is an Outlook basically where you accept that nothing is perfect and everything is temporary and everything is in a transitional state it's sort of like a fancy way of being present and mindful
@@Nunya-77 yes that’s right…the famous lovely quote by Leonard Cohen
I can see how it makes sense. I always get very upset when I see someone else being put down, and feel obliged to step in and defend them. Unfortunately, I also know all too well that wounds are where infection enters and festers as well. Being gaslighted over an extended period of time allowed a lot of darkness to enter into my psyche. It's quite difficult to navigate out of darkness when you can't see where you're going.
There was a movie in the 70"s with a line I never understood: "Why did my father have to die before I could become successful?"
I had no direction in life, no career path, and no stability at all life in any arena, until I was 31 years old. Then within 18 months of after my father passing, I started a business and was profiled by CNN, USA Today and The Wall Street Journal.
It was then I remembered that quote and wondered if one had to do with the other.
Point being, his passing would have given me separation. I had no idea until listening to this video that separation was what I needed.
A friend of mine who recently passed, noticed how invasive my mother was with me: controlling & overbearing. Mom has suffered 5 strokes & is now in a nursing home. My friend told me that she hated my mom's situation, but I have blossomed since she had.
GAWD MINES 98.
@@bigred4379 ???
@@mudflower2994 Why can't we just say "since they DIED"...??? I hate political correctness, which is a narcissistic agenda to avoid calling a spade a spade. You pass gas, you pass cars on the highway, you pass a football, etc. When people DIE, they DIE. Rant over.
@@lila2028 I have no idea where these comments were SUPPOSED to go Lila! Haha! That’s weird , huh?,! The only thing I can think of.. is the other day,, sometimes when I wanted to add or edit.. it would say “ that operation not allowed “ or something like that. Has that ever happened to you?
So who knows? But ,, that could be problem for sure!!!😀😀😀
I’m amazed, at almost 53 years old, my family still treats me as the scapegoat and they don’t even know they do it. I’ve learned to not expect anything from them. It’s sad, I would like to enjoy my siblings and parents however I choose not to be part of their toxic behavior. You are spot on with going no contact, it’s essential for healing and changing the old thought patterns. Being around them only triggers my old survival mechanisms. Healing my inner child, helping her feel safe, has been the best foundational work. Love to all of my fellow “scapegoats “, you are love and light.
Oh they know they do it. They do it to make themselves feel better, to release their shame and put it on someone else.
You just described my life. No Contact is the only way …. But they never stop.
Same with me. I have become used to a certain level of disrespect from the ones who grew up with me. They think I am messy, disorganized, and an impractical dreamer. My brother-in-law just told me that I am a failure. My sister thinks he was being 'mean' not abusive. The logical side of me realizes that she is working out her own history of abuse but it still hurts.
I'm the fat lazy loser in their eyes. EXCEPT that I'm not in reality. I think they are jealous that except for them, my life turned out pretty well. Only successful marriage. Living the life that they want. Jealousy on their part is huge part of problem. They think I don't deserve my life.
Oh they know believe me they know they are not fools they have mastered there narcissistic traits well wolves in sheep clothing
Hearing someone explain my trauma better than I ever could lifted some of the weight!
I am the scapegoat, my sister is the narcissist who also managed to turn my parents and brother against me. I lived with so much anger at her for so long until I went no contact four years ago. Now I just don't care anymore, it's like she doesn't exist. Best thing I could've done.
I was the scapegoat. I went no contact at 55yo. I declined to watch my narc mother die in hospice. My sister told me, "You'll regret it." Not for one minute did I regret not watching mum's passing. Actually, she died alone. Not one sibling or family member was present. When she passed, a huge weight was lifted off me.
My older sister made me the scapegoat throughout my family, extended relatives too. Its 4 years for me also. I do have pockets of "dismay" at having NO family other than my own very loving adult children.
This explanation is life affirming! I do hope you are doing well. I understand your pain, truly. Be well and thrive! ❤
Im relate ill experience once in my life now ill set my boundaries and limits
Same here. My family were always joking about how my sister was always checking herself out in the mirror. Seems weird looking back
Meaning and purpose is truth.It can be a blessing to have been the scapegoat.
As an adult I carried on with some things I developed as a child...always in a hurry, rushing...to nowhere, a living door-mat. Relationships were bad for a while--I was never "good enough", everything was always my fault...I felt it and eventually my partner would confirm it. Now, I have found my true love and that is the only reason I have been able to heal at all. But I still have impaired executive function, CPTSD, Non-epileptic seizures (trauma response) AND I already had epilepsy--different kind of seizures there. My husband corrects me when I feel/talk negative about myself--he tells me I am great at everything I do, he encourages me and builds me up. It took until I was in my early 40's to find him, and I am truly blessed--even with the disabling trauma responses.
It made me an empathetic compulsive spender who gives things away, apologizes for things they didn’t do and has a hard time taking care of themselves, but I’m working on it. It made me really self conscious about being narcissistic myself, and made me feel selfish for focusing on my own mental health and guilty for setting boundaries. There was a lot of self-abuse, low self esteem and negative self talk. Took me a lot of counseling and I had to remind myself it was my counselor’s job to listen to me talk about myself but it still made me uncomfortable just talking about myself for an hour and her just focusing on me.
Same Same here...🙏🏿❤
((Hugs)) your story echoes my own. You are not alone
I was the scapegoat for my father after my parents divorced. He got my sister, his sisters and girlfriend treating me the same way. My sister and I had to go no contact. Still great with our Mom and still repairing with my sister but we are much better. We were both abused and have our own trauma but closer than ever ❤ No one else in the world can related to what we went through, it’s easier to forgive and heal 🙏🏼
Thank you so much for this video. There was so much blaming put on me as a child growing up. Shame on those adults
I'm SO glad I was the scapegoat and not the golden child.
It gave me clarity into their bad behavior and their abuse. That was the gift. I'm now a compassionate but firm setter and keeper of boundaries.
The other piece is that I spent 40 years in fight or flight mode until I completely broke down and had to rebuild myself from scratch. Fun times.
Yup…. I am the scapegoat in my family. Two of my cousins on my feathers said joined right in with my sister’s narcissistic personality. My sister was held up as the best thing since sliced bread - and yet I succeeded in business where she did not, made more $$$$ then my sister, and had nicer homes, achieved a higher level of education. I did all of this on my own / no help from siblings and father. I was never good enough. But I did achieve on my own. When my father died, my 3 siblings got $$$ - and decided not to inform me, and when my mother died, I was the evecttice of her estate. Everything was handled above board. My
Mother left nothing up my sister, and yet I made sure she was included in an equal share. I could go on and on. Therapy helped.
Thank you for this. It makes me so sad that this happened to me and others. If you asked anyone in my family “I’m being dramatic”, my sisters were told I was that “bad one” in childhood and that narrative continues today. Despite being the only one of three daughter with a healthy marriage, and children that aren’t being taught money=success, somehow their thoughts of me remain the same. I have successfully created strong and strict boundaries in the last 6-8 months, I still feel a hole where that supportive mom, dad,siblings should be. I have a tough time moving past that. Prayers to everyone going through it. I see you!❤
It can be painfully lonely especially knowing those siblings who suffered alongside you, deny that the abuse ever happened.
I am so sorry to hear all that you have gone through. It’s not your fault and you deserve to heal and to have happiness. I would recommend to My clients to consider writing a letter to everyone who has hurt you, and if you don’t feel comfortable presenting it to them, that’s okay, as it will serve as an outlet. You can reflect on the letters, grieve over them until you no longer feel triggered by those thoughts, memories, and emotions, and then rip it up into tiny pieces, and maybe bury it for closure. It can also serve as a catharsis to help you cry it all out, for as much as you need to, and then you can maybe consider doing some Deep Breathing and Positive Self-Talk to remind your Inner Child that you are not the blame, and you did nothing wrong. Please consider that crying is like detoxing all of the negative emotions from your body, just as we have to clean out toxic food waste, via elimination, as long as we don’t cry ourselves into a deep hole of despair, where it’s hard to find a way out. Therefore, I would consider researching Deep Breathing and Positive Self-talk or other Coping Skills (Comedy shows may help also), to have a plan in place to help you with the negative thought-stopping, before even writing and processing the letter(s). Be well and be blessed.
8 Ways to Start Healing Your Inner Child
www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/inner-child-healing#acknowledge
Omg same same same!!!! Except I'm the older half sister. I didnt know they didn't like me until the other day when one said it 😢.
I am on this healing journey as well and question my ability to be a mother without a supportive family.
Ma'am, money managed well equals success. Wealth is not a sin. No poor person ever gave me a job. Do not feel guilty and do not teach someone to feel guilty for having money. Please look into Dave Ramsey. He is very anti narcissistic when it comes to money. With love, from Colorado.
My mother was scapegoated as a child and went on to scapegoat me. I was the only daughter and it was as if she thought I was her mother who'd abused her. I had a sad childhood and was suicidal and depressed for most of my life. I've done a lot of healing and am now protective of my mother, who still feels very hurt and rejected.
Why do you still protect her?
Hugs! Just be careful. Don't feel it is your obligation to fix or to protect. That's often how you get sucked in again or in the first place, no matter how much healing you've experienced, and it often bites people in the butt as it's not something you can just fix, but it may seem like it. I spent 20 years trying to help a narcissist out, even though I wanted out a long time prior, and who thrived on it and was a part of the game. Be respectful and supportive, but set boundaries and, if possible, and maybe get professional therapy if you're not already, even to use as a bit of a safety line to make sure you don't get sucked back in again because it can be hard to navigate through.
I was scape goat and I am crying like crazy. OMG i didn't know. now I understand why ....
I dont know if I am the scapegoat but it feels like it. I’m the only sibling that never felt loved or close to our mother. I just went through an incident with my mom. I live with her and my stepdad as I still am working on getting a stable job after being divorced. I’m a substitute teacher and have a 15 year old that has depression and made attempts and self harms. I was sick and having accidents and vomiting and they said I was washing too much. My allies my step dad to make up new “rules” when he wants. They unplugged the washer and shut the fuse off so I wouldn’t wash. I pay rent and was only washing because of coughing so much I peed in my pants.
I told my siblings I wouldn’t be spending Easter with the family because of what happened. I told them about the incident and showed them texts as proof. But my counselor told me I was wrong for that. That I should never tell my siblings what’s going on. I only wanted them to know why I wasn’t showing up. I feel conflicted about this with my counselor. She was my only support and now I feel more alone.
I’m working on trying to move out as soon as possible, in California prices for rentals are very high so I’m praying things work out.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You are learning to fly away. It isn't easy. I eased out of my family.
It is not easy. I tried to set boundaries with Covert Narcissic mom. She always had a reason why she constantly putting me down. I never would have believed how "evil" my NC mom. I mourn the person I could have been.
Fortunately, I raised my children completely the opposite.
My CN mom really abused me. That took 3 years of discussions with my therapist. I am mentally much better. Due to a family members death, I had contact with her 8 hours total. I was triggered so badly that I couldn't stand it. A battle of control. She tried to smoze...me up citing all the qualities she ALWAYS ATTRIBUTED TO ME...I said to her. You don't even know who I am." Thst was 1.5 years ago. Yes it is hard. We think delusionally the "Leave it to Bever" family.
When the child within you starts telling you the reality of what it was really like. The puzzle pieces fall together. The child's experiences are validated. I praised my CN mom for 64 years on what a "great parent" she was. I am 70 now. Don't wait to leave until the have you so delusional and worn out. If you are not able to do it on your own then consult a Therapist.
Most states provide Therapists on a sliding scale. HELP IS AVAILABLE. If you can't leave for whatever reason, the therapist will teach you to live with the stress. ❤❤
I went through this as well. My husband didnt believe me till he seen the interactions first hand.
The scapegoat child eventually becomes aware that they have been victimised in their family. They may then notice how this attracted other predatory personalities to them. They may become aware that the root of all of this is because they were taught to have no boundaries in childhood. At this point the scapegoat child may now realise that they need to develop strong boundaries. They need to not be afraid to say "no". They may realise that being alone is better than being disrespected.
What's considered disrespected?
Thank you. Something brought me here and i don't know what it was. Coincidence and fate maybe. I am 39 years old and highly empathic. I have been raised by two highly Narcissistic parents and it haunts me every day. I have my cosmetology license and i am full of fears. So much self-loathing that slows me down from becoming something. That little voice in my head always reminding me of how small i am. Should i seek help? As well as continue to watch these videos? I want to leave this apartment. This home is no longer where the heart is. My cat was put down in July of 2020 and my life ended. I lost my trustworthy love.
My story 😢 cant wait 2 be a mommy
Spot on Narc Survivor!
Amen well said
My wife was the scapegoat in her family. She's an amazing mom, wife, best friend. She's loving, fiercely loyal to our son and I. She runs a very successful small business and her work ethic is out of this world. Having been around her toxic family and seeing first hand just how sick and twisted the family dynamic is, you couldn't ask for a better human being. I can't even begin to tell you guys how proud I am of her.
That was just wonderful to read!
That’s the type of mom I aspire to be one day
I never had kids. I believe I was just to stressed to carry a child. 62 now, but I've been mom, sister, friend to many. My family is so scary to me. I don't know if they realize how toxic they are, because it's all justified.
Well this was a wonderful start ✨🧡
How sweet
Yesterday on New Year’s Eve, my mom gathered us all and said “let’s forgive each other for the past mistakes and move on this new year”. I walked away right then and there because I knew her cycle will continue in the same way, but she cheaply wanted forgiveness without even giving an apology.
Well done
That was a real boss move!!! 💝🫶🏆You will feel so much better now.
I love it when narcissists say things like "let's forgive each other", as if both parties have something to apologize for. They'll never own up to their abusive ways.
@@escalatorgoddess2078yup, till this day I don’t think my parents have admitted to doing anything wrong when raising me. My years of therapy says otherwise 😵💫
They deny that they have done anything wrong. Why would she apologize?
Told my mom I grew up feeling emotionally invalidated. "That's not true" was her response lol I give up
I feel this and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry
That's exactly what my mom used to say.
I've gotten "Oh Stop! That's not true and i'm tired of hearing about it!" when trying to tell them about abusive/unfair family dynamic. Also, as a child "it's all in your head," and "you're imagining things..." The gaslighting and invalidation is endless with these people.
That made me laugh and I get it.
Seems like it's always the most direct, focused, honest, respectfully-spoken comments we make that baffle narcs the most.
I learned young that more than two sentence statements were only going to be picked apart or used as ammunition.
When you're four, and crying because something really bad just happened, the last thing that's on your mind is "I hope someone can make this worse."
Years later, when you're just trying to break even to keep hope and sanity alive, the last thing you're thinking is how inappropriate it was to cry when you were four.
It's like they only process what they can use as a blunt instrument.
Stay Strong, Ramani peeps 💪
As a child I remember telling myself to be kind because I didn't want to make others feel the way my mom made me feel.
❤
I decided not to get married bcuz I assumed . marriage will be like my parents' relationship and not have kids bcuz I believed I was defective and so didn't want to make kids who woikd be miserable and defective.
That makes me sigh and swallow. And having thought, done and try to remain as kind as you are. To me now 35, at times when your sorrow is mentioned/attended.
Do people doubt your sorrow, or intens emotional display when in unforeseen triggering public scenarios? Doesn't necesarily have to be intens, but it's when roads cross
I find it very hard to meet someone halfway, when they don't believe you can cry because they thought of you their hero for never having seen you cry?
It's hard, being judged, those few times you actually show yourself. It's as if 2 world crumble. And for some reason those 2 have to be conpared, and 1 has to be the lesser.
Always grinds my frickin gears😅✌️
So your super power must be, you can & like to Identify with others and will rush to their aid to intercept what may cause them pain, even if you have to deal with it yourself! .........Admirable
In my experience, it only opens one up to more abuse from everyone else in your life.
I remembered at the age of 20 I went to my boyfriend’s parents home. I felt that his mom had some reservations about me but he insisted that I spend time w/ his family. I was nervous. His mom asked me help in the kitchen for either dinner or lunch. I remembered turning to put a gallon of milk on the counter but missed and made a spill on the floor. I started shaking and tearing up. I thought that she would scold like my mom. His mom just looked straight at me and said sweetly it was just milk. Nothing to be worried about. At that moment, I realized that I was traumatized by my mother and needed help. His mother became the mom I dreamed about that day. She just knew what I needed without asking. She saved my life.
I am so happy for you. That’s the kind of mother we all deserved.
😢😢❤️
Awe that is soooooo great to hear!!! I love her for being there you! I am momma to many gay children, where their parents couldn’t or wouldn’t understand, I always tell them to keep their hearts open for all the Spiritual moms who are there for you!
Love is grand and rare- glad it reached you and you were ready 🙏🏼
Same my mom in law is so kind loving and understanding for her kids and extends some kindness to me too. Although she is more protective of her son than me but even at her worst she isnt even 1% of my mom lol. IDK whether to cry or laugh at this
Just leave them all alone, permanently, they never change. There are no death bed confessions, they die in their roles.
They blame in their last breath and then in the will
Y'all are sooo right
Well... Not in my family. My siblings are growing and my parents grew. Some are in therapy, some read, some have significant others who help them see with humor. We can grow so can they. But only each of us can figure our if it's worth the potential pain of finding out. Plus nobody completely turns around all their baggage instantly. But then even allowing the possibility that they aren't always perfect is enough in my family
@@youtubingbabs I’m glad that was your situation. If your parents sought help they probably weren’t true Narcissist, maybe Narcissistic tendencies like we all have, with clearly poor patience and communication skills. You all getting well, you all finding comfort in eachother is beautiful and rare indeed.
Damn ...you right.
One really good thing about being the family scapegoat is that it frees you up to be true to yourself. Once you realize that nothing you do will make them like or love you.
Love this❤...….. I discovered this two years ago and I'm now on my healing journey.
We grow up to be the GOAT.
I have had to repeat “I will never be good enough for her; she will never be satisfied!” to myself so. Many. Times! It is so hard to stop seeking parental approval! I finally stopped, and she keeps trying to “be nice”; but I know if I give her too much information again, she’ll use it against me. It’s over. I’m done playing the game. 😔❤️🩹
When they have persuaded themselves that they really do love you; when they remind you often of how they’ve sacrificed, compromised and fought on your behalf; when - in the heat of an argument - it always shows that really it’s all about them and that they project onto you the negative characteristics they have always manifested themselves; when they berate and belittle you for not being or achieving enough while expecting and demanding that you regularly subordinate your own needs to theirs, however trivial; when they attempt to play you off against your siblings; when they accept no responsibility for any of their failures and selfish choices as a parent but make sure to take all the credit for their children’s successes; when they refuse to acknowledge that their children are adult individuals, insisting instead on referring to you as ‘their children’ though you’re all over 40; when they never apologise without qualification or excuses; when their company feels exhausting, draining, demeaning and yet somehow the urge for intimacy and approval still feels strong; when you know deep down that you’ll never quite measure up and that they seem to compete with you in everything - they’re always better read, higher achieving, better liked, more knowledgeable and informed, smarter, were more attractive than you at their age - and when their love is anything but unconditional; when their standard communication currency is gaslighting, projection, manipulation and bullying…
Yes, finally to feel free of that kind of burden will feel like a new lease on life. I have chosen to remain ‘non-contact’ with my own mother, sad to say. She showed her true colours again over Christmas and I decided to refuse to play the game anymore. It hurts. She’s an old woman and needs support, but she does a great job of driving people away: though she’s been blessed with some wonderfully caring and attentive people doing their best to help her, they’ve all been abused, screamed at, defamed and humiliated on a regular basis, as have we, her children.
No, it’s not dementia or late-stage crankiness on a normal scale. With her mood swings and flights into furious, vengeful rage, she can go from 0-100 in an instant. Her medical condition (bipolar - used to be diagnosed as ‘manic depression with paranoid delusional schizophrenia’) is almost able to be disregarded: while she’s been on antipsychotic medication her entire adult life, happily the treatment has kept her on a more or less even keel for over a decade. One can suffer from depression (everyday or medically diagnosed and prescribed for) and not act like a narcissistic tyrant; by the same token, managing depression in no way disqualifies one from the entitlement to righteous anger and indignation nor to feeling a bit blue now and then like any other human being.
The incredibly destructive egocentrism of a narcissistic parent can be devastating. Paired with the guilt felt by a sibling who witnessed and survived the death of his younger brother in an RTA, factored in with a boarding school education that exacerbated a problem with bedwetting, with being bullied at school then criticised and neglected at home and a father too overburdened with parenting responsibilities as well as the demands of his career to be in a position to offer any support other than the financial sort, our mother’s warped understanding of parenting and failure to offer the consistency, stability and love that define the role of parent has eventuated in a middle-aged son who’s been struggling since early childhood just to keep his head above water emotionally and psychologically. Ironic, how she proudly claims to have ‘brought up’ five children, when what she’s always been best at is bringing us down.
Truth.
Yes, I was the scapegoat and bastard in my family. I had things done to me that was truly horrendous. I have been in therapy since I was 22 yrs. I am now 73 yrs old. I got blamed for everything, even my brothers and sister. I never had a drug or alcohol use. I cannot be with a man. I am a well educated woman and a good professional career. My parents turned my siblings against me telling them I was a liar and crazy. I left at 17, and never looked back.
I'm sorry that happened to you Rosana. It's frustrating how people can be so horrible. I can't be in a relationship either. I was the scapegoat and thought my sister the golden child and I were close, only to discover that she made up lies about me to tear me down to our parents and others and realizing that she and my mother are covert narcs. It was such betrayal. 😢 Now I can't trust anyone.
❤❤❤❤
Thank you for sharing, this gives me hope as a 22 y/o woman.
🙏🏻💕
Terrible I’m sorry to hear this. That Sounds like my father
They don’t like it when you move away, and stop the abuse.
That's for sure! I eventually had to go no contact and it was the healthiest decision I ever made
Moving away was the BEST thing I ever did I accomplished so much and I was so confused as to why I was finally so happy and when I realized it was because I cut the narc out I was blown away. That was the first time I actually realized what was going on.. I was in my late 20s
@@kriistiina111590 I wish I would have figured that out when I was young. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and pain. I am really encouraged to hear so many people speaking positively about making that break from so much never ending confusion.
@@shnarklevonbarkle110 I agree hearing other people talk about their experiences helps so much. Wishing everyone here the best
@@kriistiina111590 Exactly: I was 31 when I escaped -- and I stayed with an alcoholic partner for years rather than return to the malign orbit of my covert-narcissist mother. (Before you ask, I'm a grateful member of Al-Anon, which helped me hold myself together and recognize -- and resist -- gaslighting when my qualifier tried to pull that nonsense on me.) I'm currently living with my partner/best friend, a fellow straight-edge who is as dedicated to my well-being and healing as to his own, and have finally found an excellent therapist who is helping me work through the considerable residual damage from my childhood scapegoat role; by some miracle, I've always known that, despite all her hateful lies, I was more than enough, which enabled me to make the break I needed (however late), and my current life and human connections reflect that sense.
I was the scapegoat child in my family system and I actually do not speak to a single person in my family currently at 48 years of age. They gaslighted me into therapy and the therapist told me, "there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, get away from those people."
I moved away just so I would not be around them all the time!
Same here🤔
Wow. Has it been better, assuming you took the advice?
You were lucky to get great advice from therapist! At 50 my eyes opened up keeping distance! It's my turn now for health!
@@oppressednolonger1497 absolutely! It was like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and I have not been more happy in my life.
"Those who were scapegoated are brimming with light." 😭😭😭 Thank you!
Me. Nicko m, NZ
Omg SAME!!- THANK U SO MUCH FOR THIS...
Yep!!💯💖
💯
My abusive mother used to say "you glow". Evil evil evil woman she is
I prefer to call myself the escape goat, because I was able to escape and go no contact!
❤❤❤
Yes, yes & yes.☺
LUV IT 💪🏽💪🏽
#ESCAPE-Goat
This is smart, I think I will do the same because I don’t want to reinforce the idea that I am the victim, the “I was one in the past” but not any longer for sure I will say I am the survivor aka the escape goat as well haha
How did you get to no contact with your family? I would like to know how I can do that myself! Thank you
Pros:
-We are empathetic and anticipate people's moods and needs well
-We are resilient AF
-When we *truly* are in the wrong, we are able to admit it and aren't too prideful
-We value peace
-As adults we can evolve to recognize gaslighting and avoid abusers after having unhealthy relationships.
Oh my gosh.. I said above, I had to go No Contact to find PEACE and Stability. Your so right.
Well said . Thank you 😊
Yes, I learned it with 60! And yeah, I'm happy now, after I finally have learned to love and care for myself. It's never ever too late! 💜🙏💛
@@boomerangsruckflug8513 me too!
Absolutely. Cons: we can never be too sure of ourselves even if we know we’re right
I was the scapegoat child and truth teller. I started therapy while trying to escape a sociopath. I have gone no contact with my family of origin several years which has been the most liberating for me. I’m no contact with my ex as well. This enabled me to work on myself and keep my circle narcissist free. I wish peace for all the scapegoated children out there. Thank you Dr Ramani.
I was the truth teller too. May God bless you ❤🙏
💗
Must been hard, sorry for that:( but congrats, you’re really strong 💗
@Selina Ikoni I don’t believe that we owe anyone an explanation. They have not walked in our shoes. We are the only ones who know what’s best for us.
@@vemo916 👏🏻so true, one must keep reminding oneself "we don't owe anyone an explanation". And that is a foundation block of our boundary. Thank you for putting it so succinctly.
My narcissistic parents, brother & sister scapegoated me until the age of 58, when after much therapy & meds, I went no contact with them. Best decision ever made! They're small people with too many issues. I'm not going to let them ruin my life any more!
God is my Rock.
Thank you for sharing! I too am 58y.o I have done so much spiritual, emotional, & psychological work - for decades. Recently, I said NO MORE to all of them. No contact is so incredibly freeing. I've done the work. I get to continue living without being thrown on a landmine everytime something comes up with my elderly Mom. I really didn't think this could happen for me. Ever. And whattya know the fruits of a lifetime of label are blossoming. I. Am. Free.
My husband went no contact 2.5 years ago with his mother, and his brothers cut contact with him when they couldn't guilt trip him and convince him it was all a misunderstanding but his fault. He got the strenght to do this after her lies and manipulation had consequences for our babies. About 2 months ago, he was doubting himself because our kids asked about his family but after like a month he figured it out and we are still free. Don't know how they will react when they find out we're having another baby....
@@cindy3218 YAY❣
My sister couldn't manipulate me and got so angry she went no contact! Best thing ever I am 50! Not grovelling not ever! Not keeping the peace for the sake of family!
I was 58 too before I had enough of the scapegoating from the two siblings and both parents as well as basically everyone I encountered. My siblings husbands were narcissistic and scapegoated me too. The only thing a scapegoat regrets is not leaving earlier in life than they did.
They cannot stand to see you happy or proud of anything, they have to crush you when they feel your getting too big for your boots.
The scapegoat becomes the cycle breaker - and becomes isolated and lonely
Or….breaks the cycle and clears the slate making room for new beautiful stories.
I break the cycle but I'm not lonely in any way
It does not have to be lonely. You make room for healthier more whole people to enter your life.
@Ginger Klajbor Me too.
I think it's a very lonely time after you go no contact and FINALLY have broken that cycle. So glad I did it but there's a grieving process of what COULD/SHOULD have been but never was or will be. I am finally taking some steps forward and embracing my gifts as an empath ☺❤
I was so confused because my family hated me. I was a horrible person in their eyes but everyone outside of our family loved me. Told me how nice, smart, and joyous it was to be my friend. Then I go home and I’m called crazy, depressed, shit starter. In constant trouble for things I did not do or say, argumentative. I would have panic and anxiety attacks. As soon as I went to school, or somewhere they were not everyone loves me.
Oh yes! And they notice and say things like: "When you're with other people all of the sudden you can be nice! If they knew how you act at home, they would be very surprised. Look at you playing this friendly role with that fake friendly voice. One day they will see your true colours!" Meanwhile THEY are the ones acting totally different around other people. Messed up.
Holy... YES!!! THIS "I dont know how you have any friends. If only they knew the real you" 🤢🤮
The “wait til your husband finds you out” from my mother. They gaslight you into believing you’re mentally ill and will never be good enough anywhere to anyone. So you start to doubt the love you receive from others because you are confused about whose report to believe. As crazy as it sounds to people around me, whenever I hear someone say “you’re a good person” I am taken back.
Same
I've been there. Only child with 2 narco parents. Loved at summer camps and college. Hated at home.
My Narc father used to tell me all the time: "when you'll have kids, they will fight you back the exact way you are fighting me"
I used to tell myself quietly "In order for my kids to fight me, I'll first have to treat them the bad way you're treating me".
Ufffff deep
I can so relate to your comment
@@kittykathurricanetexas1634 Hugs.
Damn! I remember narc father saying that to me.
My mom said the same to me. She would point out that when I became a teenager I would no longer love her and be a horrible daughter. By the time I was a teenager I build up so much resentment because I did notthing but try to please her. I wish I was as brave as you at that age. Now I know better
"If people who were once scapegoats can trust their guts as adults, they can be the best red flag detectors "....so relatable
This is me now. although it took me until I was about 40 to realize it since I was manipulated and scapegoated most of my life
True, but it took me 60 years to be able to smell the rat close by...😢
I'd much rather be a scapegoat....than a golden child, flying monkey or the invisible one!.. At 58, I'm OUT, I'm FREE. They're all stuck there in their own filth!
I looked at all of this when I was around 35 and started to see that as the scapegoat I was really the lucky one of the bunch. I am 65 and just tossed the rest of the family after my 96 year old mother finally died. Yes Finally no more barbed stabs from any of them!!
I have a codep husband who has high covert tendencies and he does not care to learn a bit about all of this so he is stuck as well.
It is really sad to have witnessed it over the years. My sibs are in their 70's and they still are total shitheads. I just tossed the last tie and I am done.
Free at Last of it all.
When I cut contact with the whole family I sent a message to the one sister who I thought was neutral (until she too turned), saying politely they are a bunch of leeches and I'm the only one who has made it on my own while they are stuck and when it all becomes public they will get to feel the disapproval of the whole community.
@@Feribrat99 Congrats Karen....it's a truly wonderful thing!.. Please enjoy your strength and resilience!.💜
My oldest sister was the scapegoat & you described her as an adult to the T. She's fiercely protective of her children, she does alot of volunteer work & has great empathy for everyone in her life. She has been NC with our mother for several years & she's healthier for it. My abuse started in my teenage years, in my 50's now & just realized thru research that our mother has NPD. I'm now NC & the only one still in contact is our youngest brother & also the GC. There is hope thru research & lots of therapy.
AMEN
One good thing about being a scapegoat is: YOU LOOSE NOTHING OF VALUE WHEN LOOSING YOUR FAMILY. I don’t miss them not one day.
Ohh yes. . With you girl!
@@toni-leeblair5869 Ditto
True... They have nothing to offer
Not one day!
Seeing other friends’ families, I grieved not having a family (abstract) as a kid, but decided to make my own. I don’t miss the family I’m estranged from. No sorrow, just peace.
As the "scapegoat", in adulthood, I cut off all contact with all family members, and being fiercely independent and strong-willed, went on to heal and went on to be successful, content with healthy relationships, but it did take decades!! But, I have arrived!
I went to age 40 trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. Eventually with hearing loss and family members chewing me out for not hearing them on demand. That’s when I realized my entire life my family expected me to do the impossible. I cut off contact not only to my family but anyone who knows them.
So proud of you 🎉
Nice job, sounds like you were forged into a lone wolf personality type, like me. Enjoy!
❤️❤️❤️
Me too.
My trauma psychiatrist wanted to meet my Mom. He brought her into 3 sessions and saw first hand how she had no empathy or compassion and was a bully. My Dr told me to go no contact with her. He was the first person to ever validate me and what I went through in my life. He schooled my narc mother and it was life changing. It’s been 8 years this month of no contact with my mother. She has done a smear campaign on me to my family and friends and has gotten worse as she ages. Being a scapegoat even in my 50’s is difficult, lonely and sad. You never feel worthy of love or acceptance.
Thank you for all your videos Dr R
Indeed! My narc mom does the smear campaign and has turned my children against me! And she’s definitely worse with age! I will be so glad when she’s gone. It’s so exhausting!
@@Kim-Berly200my mother died last week.. it’s freeing, a huge relief for me. Sounds mean and callous but I’m so much better off.
That shrink was worth every cent.
You had luck with your therapist. Believe me.
The most think an older people abuse.
Mine did the same thing all the way till her dying breath. Even after I gave her money and food after my step dad passed. She called me and asked for help. Then after I left and went back home (9 hrs drive) she told everyone I stole from her after step dad died.
"Walking every day on eggshells" resonated deeply. I've been trying to pinpoint where I hold stress in my body. I think it may be in my entire muscle system. Like a rabbit that senses the predator, the stillness I experienced, the stillness that alerted me that it was time to walk on eggshells because mommy and/or daddy were on the edge and about to lose it. I believed as a child, 'one false move on my part will set them off. My childhood was exhausting.
You just echoed my own childhood. It was relentless wasn't it? No wonder I have to deal with waking up at all times of the night. It was a program for self preservation to anticipate it all. Carly Simon had it right in her song Anticipation.
@@Feribrat99 Relentless is the perfect word.
Oh yes. It is like you are on a battlefield. Your body is contantly ready for an attack and for hell to break loose
My body is allways aware and ready to .....run just like the rabbit you mention
I lived my entire childhood on eggshells...
Being the scapegoat formed me into a target in my adulthood. I went from being bullied at home, to bullied at school, and then bullied in the workplace. While I know now what I went through wasn't my fault, the anger and rage from the injustice of it all still reigns supreme.
I am so sorry to hear all that you have gone through. It’s not your fault and you deserve to heal and to have happiness. I would recommend to My clients to consider writing a letter to everyone who has hurt you, and if you don’t feel comfortable presenting it to them, that’s okay, as it will serve as an outlet. You can reflect on the letters, grieve over them until you no longer feel triggered by those thoughts, memories, and emotions, and then rip it up into tiny pieces, and maybe bury it for closure. It can also serve as a catharsis to help you cry it all out, for as much as you need to, and then you can maybe consider doing some Deep Breathing and Positive Self-Talk to remind your Inner Child that you are not the blame, and you did nothing wrong. Please consider that crying is like detoxing all of the negative emotions from your body, just as we have to clean out toxic food waste, via elimination, as long as we don’t cry ourselves into a deep hole of despair, where it’s hard to find a way out. Therefore, I would consider researching Deep Breathing and Positive Self-talk or other Coping Skills (Comedy shows may help also), to have a plan in place to help you with the negative thought-stopping, before even writing and processing the letter(s). Be well and be blessed.
8 Ways to Start Healing Your Inner Child
www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/inner-child-healing#acknowledge
Some people have a way of recreating childhood dynamics always in their lives, regardless of the setting or characters, if they don't unpack, sort, and heal their childhood trauma. It's not necessarily a conscious choice to be a victim, it's just a phenomenon that happens when people don't sort through it all.
@@EMILYHERRERA Sounds like victim blaming to me.
Holy crap, the same has happened to me. It's like being cursed for life.
Exactly what happened to me. Still people take me granted a lot coz I laugh a lot and try to humor people by talking a lot and a little stammer
I am an adult scapegoat from an indian family, where the sons are born as Gods and my awareness since childhood, being the blacksheep empath, has helped me to become the survivor and the warrior; having suffered domestic violence (GBV) from my father, constantly protecting my mother, I don't take any BS from anyone including my own family now. It's taken a while to get there and I am now in my fifties, living by my own terms and only see my family when I want to. Healthy boundaries are one of the most important factors I congratulate myself for, best move I ever made.
Oh gosh , thank you for writing hope you do well
Thank you Dr. Ramani I finally found a man who truly loves me and has never given up on me. Scapegoats need to learn to forgive themselves and others.❤ It's about forgiveness.
Same here am an Indian woman
Dont ever call yourself an empath, gives big redflag and abusive vibes
I suffered a lot due to my narcissist mother. She ruined my relationship with everyone. Hated throughout my life for no reason. I always tried to be a good daughter to her. But since I gave up my efforts past couple of years, she literally disowned me
The worse thing is to get out of the family and living in the outside world and STILL encountering the same abusive people. That is a true prison.
Yeah this is why i stay away from ppl
I'm trying to reframe it more positively by viewing it as a monastery, or a tropical getaway. I work in my garden, and I have a boat I can take out and disappear into a deserted key. Isolation can be horrific, but I started meditating, and found that really helped me to let go of all that negativity.
I believe showing narcisistic tendencies is a default behavior of many people. It is common to see little children lying and manipulating their parents to do what they want, not go to school, not do their homework etc etc. If these children are not corrected by their parents they will continue to use this behavior with whoever allows them to.
They will be everywhere, you are the one who has to establish boundaries.
@@Erehtolleh1 Most people never grow up emotionally. Thus they are the narcissists we encounter so often.
It doesn’t end in childhood, it 100% continues into adulthood
Hello fellow scapegoats!
It’s good to know we are not alone in our experiences, isn’t it?
Yes
Thank you Jesus Christ, "Yeshua Messiah," for modern day technology. We can now communicate and reach out to others, but also to be re assured that we are not Alone.. We can now educate ourselves, and empathize with others, and by sharing with eachother. Hearing others share, like a support group, can teach us new ways and ideas of how to deal with similar problems now in life. What's worked for others, will probably work for us or at least learn which mistakes they have made as well, so maybe we can avoid those same problems as well.
Thank all of you for your postings or making a comment...
It really is. Living as a scapegoat as a child is very isolating. Even now, my elderly parents still scapegoat me so often, but I know better now.
Yup
you are not alone xo
The greatest talent of the covert narcissist is how they manipulate you into believing they are victims... you should feel sorry for them while all the time they are abusing and using you.
On another page, by a different therapist, of comments about a RUclips video about narcissists and CPTSDs - I read a post from a self professed narcissist. Nobody had replied to them! It struck me that we were all a bit nervous around the narcissist. I wanted to reply - but I rationalised that a thumbs up would be enough. The thing is, afterwards, what struck me is how inexorably excruciating it must be to be a self aware narcissist. Can you imagine knowing that you have an irresistible urge to use people, that it stems from earlier psychological damage and you can't stop yourself, but wanting to warn potential victims?! Wanting some communal feeling, support and understanding.. Being completely alone because you're trying to do the right thing... Very troubling.
I think I feel a little sorry for narcissists even though I know they would never feel sorry for me.
Exactly what my narcissistic mother did me. This talent is called passive aggressiveness. That is her superpower.
The roughest bit is hearing your own stories come from them. Telling you you do to them what they do to you, feeling insane about it. Wild.
I was nine months pregnant, when my MIL scolded me for telling her she might make her daughter uncomfortable by packing two pieces of brrad, to go to a barbecue her daughter was having and she wasn't invited to. Not on purpose, her daughter just didn't think of it.
True ,true😮
I am blown away how you have just explained all 72 years of my life. My mother was the narcissist and I, as the first born daughter, was the scapegoat. My sister two years younger was the golden child. My life would have been very different if I knew all this earlier.
I have always been sensitive and an empath. I’m really a good person and I knew that, even though I was being told the opposite.
I broke away at age eighteen to live with my father three thousand miles away. I blossomed! I wasn’t being told how stupid and ugly I was. My new family adored me. I went to school, got a job in the beauty industry and I even did some modeling. On visits to see my mother I told her all this but she still made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. (“You’re too thin. Don’t think you can always use your looks to make money.” Blah blah) unfortunately, I met a narcissistic boyfriend who did to me the same things my mom did. I used alcohol to cope. I lost jobs, went to therapy that didn’t help, and made a mess of my life.
Long story short, I moved back to the Midwest to get away from that guy and because of the high cost of living in California.
I found my way though. Got a job, met a guy, and got married. (He wasn’t good enough for me according to my mom.) That was when I was 34. We have been married nearly 39 years. Happily! How did I do that!? I was very determined. I had an innate faith in myself.
Sorry I went on so long. Plus there was a lot more to the family dynamic that there is no room here to get into.
It’s just kind of weird hearing someone describe my life! I have been through therapy several times but none of this ever came up.
Thank you!
Are you a narcisist?
That’s a beautiful story I’m happy you found your peace after so much heartache, god bless you🙏🏾
ha ha you don't have to apologize, you are worth reading about!!
Great story, very similar to mine, but I was the oldest boy. Moved away to get away from them. Blossomed. Thank you for sharing.
I find it interesting too as Dr. Ramani is perfectly describing my life and my family dynamics in some of these videos. It's a miracle so many of us are alive I reckon from these comments. Take care
Dr. Ramani, 3 years ago, you became my free therapist and you saved me when I couldn’t afford one. You literally changed my life in such a profound way. Love you!
SAME! I didn't even know what a narcissist was nor golden child or scapegoat were. I've been learning this through RUclips, too. I can't afford anything haa
I'm 56 and feel free but... working on myself.
Me too. She changed my life. I finally figured out what's been wrong with me all these years.
Yes ,thank you
Me too.
Thankyou. Before this I felt that no one would ever believe me. And truthfully I still haven't put that to the test. Maybe I never will. But reading the comments after listening to Dr Ramani makes it all real. A huge relief, a life - changer for me.
As a scapegoat I don’t trust people but I also want to be accepted.
Same!
Same :/
I feel this
I felt that ❤
Same
I have been the scapegoat for decades and then my siblings started to teach their children to scapegoat me too. I walked away from that toxic family unit and went no contact...and have since had the ability to embrace my authentic self because I walked away. I am surrounding myself with beautiful friends who are the family I never had. I live a peaceful and loving life now-walking away was the best thing I could have ever done.
My empathy has always been the draw for all narcissists. The thing that narcissists lack that most scapegoats have in spades-that is why they want to crush us. Being a truthteller just pushes them over the edge.
I was the scapegoat and truth teller in my family. I went no contact last year which probably saved my life in more ways than one. My only regret- I wish I went no contact sooner. I spent much of my adulthood depressed and chronically ill while dealing with family narc abuse. But I am blessed to say, I'm now free of them.
Thank you for this comment. I went no contact also, 47 years ago, I always wondered if I did the right thing.
I also regret not leaving sooner, but we left in the end! Now it's time to put our own happiness and well-being first.
@hisgraceislove. I suffered as a child and as an adult I was hopeful I would have a better life for me and my child. My unaffectionate uninvolved husband contributed to even more depression and now must go be on my own at age 52. I have nothing more to give after he has moved me too many times to follow his dreams with career promotions, hobbies, schooling, incessant tv and movie 🍿 with no real quality time with his sideline wife. I worked, I also educated myself, but stayed way too long. So sad I wasted my life for my daughter to have suffered from this dysfunction. Why can people just not love and grow together? He never wanted to accept that Jesus is the way. He denies God. He is his own god. I died long ago waiting and praying. Time to move on since I’ve lost way too much.
Good for you ❤ I feel the same. Wish I realized sooner... But hey, here we are, alive and free 🥰
This makes me want to hug my llittle boy self inner child.
Same.... I keep a old Kodak photo of myself in my kitchen, so I can love that beautiful little 10 year Old girl, every day!
By all means do that, The photographs are a great idea, I love the old ones of me, I was fresh and new and now I am getting there again. Never to late to love your fetch, that little lizard brain self in all of us.
I can’t look at my childhood pictures because my heart breaks for that little girl
You should its a technique i also learned from my therapist. 🙏🏾✨
Yes and do that for yourself, it's very needed and a healthy thing to do, i do it more and more and also i rock myself before i fall asleep. Big hugs to you from me ❤
I was a scapegoat and now I teach children with learning difficulties. Maybe my empathy is why I am so good at it?
Bless u
Aren't you kind! A neighbour's son, same age as mine does this also, he was always a brain and sweet, my son also and is a nurse! Their parents may have been able to instill the incentive to be kind, it just feels better!
I became vegan and started speaking up for the animals
The world needs more people like you ❣️
Wow 👍🏼✌🏼🙏🏻🕉️
I'm 54 and am just beginning to unravel a lifetime of abuse. Indeed I was the scapegoat. Today I am estranged. Thank goodness I'm now beginning to be able to start putting what happened to me into words.I also have your book here. Thanks Dr. Ramani.
I am 51, just learning the same! Would you like to connect?
Yep she would always say "When you grow up and have kids of your own you'll understand."
I understand everything she did was wrong and will never do those things to my daughter ever. Not a single day.
My mother used to say that, too. Now I see it was a weird thing to say to a kid.
I hope the way I write this makes sense, Aloy...
But, your refusal to deny the truth made her words true, and truer than she ever could. Simply stated, your mom failed you, but you passed her rigged exam.
I have to admire that.
Stay Strong 💪
My mother said those things too. I have never treated my son the way she did me.
I credit my mother with teaching me everything I needed to know NOT to do as a parent. There were times muddling through parenting when I literally took a breath and thought, "What would mum do?" then, "What is the opposite of that?" Funnily enough it worked every time! I will NEVER understand how or why she was such an abusive B. I couldn't treat anyone the way she treated me...ironically, not even her!
Both my parents said this too.
“I can’t wait until you have kids and then they treat you mean”
“When you have kids and they put you through hell you’ll see”
“You’ll understand once you have kids”
Joke was on them because I don’t even want kids LMFAO
“Scapegoats go on to become tremendous parents”! I needed to hear that! Thank you Doc!
Or don't procreate, period!
That makes me happy! I don't have children but I worry I'll be repeating some of the horrible things my family did...
@@TheEmeraldLady that was my fear for such a long time especially when I was pregnant with my first baby. I have three now and I’m so intentional with my parenting. These videos really help.
Only if they wake up in time and don't allow their children to be around the narc "grandma" (or "grandpa"). Narc Grandma will poison your children's minds against you if you don't keep them away from the narc(s). They will suck the soul out of your child and turn them into a failure to make YOU look bad. I know this from experience. I got to endure a covert narc Mommy Dearest all my life only to get sandwiched inbetween a narc daughter now. Thanks to Mommy Dearest and her sneaky covert scheming with my Golden Child brother, who would take my daughter ...presumably to spend the night with his daughter at HIS house, and instead, dump them both off at Mommy Dearest's so she could perform her witchcraft on their minds.
@@reesedaniel5835 totally agree! I have very limited contact with my narc mum and my narc in laws and my kids never spend any time with them alone!! I refuse to let my children be subjected to that! Sorry to hear about your experience 🤗🤗
The scapegoat spent years in awful relationships and seemed to consistently attract narcissistic people into their lives, the scapegoat was so desperate for love she accepted all the mistreatment. The scapegoat goat had regular complete breakdowns but never knew what they were . The scapegoat then became pregnant and was abandoned by the father as like everyone he was just abusing her. The scapegoat had to move back home to her abusers and was once again playing the role . Something changed inside the scapegoat after giving birth to her baby , she realised the huge unconditional love she had inside for her beautiful boy and old memories feelings and trauma began to resurface but this time she knew exactly what it was , abuse. She recognised she had been abused and used and projected on by a narcissistic mother and sexually abusive father . Through her son she saw love and what parenthood was supposed to be, so, she got help . She began therapy , the hell of therapy and the beauty of therapy at times was too much but she stuck with it. She began to realise how beautiful she was inside how robbed she had been as a child and how obliterated she had been throughout most of her life . She cut ties completely with the family of origin and was tarnished by them and called crazy evil psycho and mentally ill, the names and the attack on her even as a mother was tough to bare but she kept going forwards she was unstoppable. Her baby is a young adult now and a well rounded kind honest young man , the scapegoat? Well she went on to realise that actually she was intelligent she did have potential and she had worth so she began to study , the scapegoat is now a Doctor 👩⚕️ of psychology who specialises in children , oh I forgot to mention the scapegoat is me ❤️🙏🏽
💚
😍 great job!!! You bring me hope💚💚💚💚💚
heck yes!!!! so happy for you and tears are welling in my eyes of pure happiness reading this. My experience is quite similar to yours this is very inspiring I really need a good therapist the ones I've been to were not that helpful.
congratulations scapegoat!! you graduated with High Honours!!
This made me cry cause it hit in all the right places. It was beautifully described thanks for sharing and being totally awesome❤❤❤
I was the family scapegoat for 23 years. I'm finally getting out in a few months. I'm so happy I can almost taste the freedom. One step at a time, one day at a time. I'm getting out of this hell-hole.
So exciting, isn't it? Be careful, there is some toxic people out there too
This scapegoat experience gave me empathy and I became a nurse for thirty seven years and gained much satisfaction helping people
God bless you!!
Yes. I taught 20 years at a high school for "at-risk" teens with very troubled backgrounds. That degree of empathy is valuable when used to help others.
Praise GOD!!! Isn't it amazing . The narcissist lives to destroy people because once upon a time they were hurt. We the scapegoat have been abused over and over and we live to love and serve others. Quite the mystery?!?!?!?!!
Similar here, i dispatch ambulances to try and save lives and listen to those in distress
Me too, i m a nurse🌹🌹🌹🌹
“They often go on to be tremendous parents”
The tears just started pouring. I’m so terrified of becoming my father. But I have the insight that he doesn’t. And I have compassion and understanding and I’m deeply loving of everyone. I want to be a parent, and I am starting to have more faith that I can be a good one. ❤
Former scapegoat here
My two children helped my heart heal
I am capable of so much love and so are you 💜
@katja peeters i have a boy and girl
I tease call them favorite son and favorite daughter
They roll their eyes but grin
Trust yourself. You will be a good parent. I went through the same proces. It took me years to find enough trust in myself to start the parenting adventure.. Now I am the happy mother of boy-girl twins of 10 years old. And we’re just so happy together. Family life is nothing like I experienced in my childhood and for me it is very healing this experience gets overwritten. Take care, own your stuff, do the work and go for it!
Oh this touched me. As I too understand your fears and more. True Insight is important to coming to understand. Good for you good for us all.
I've always vowed never to have kids for fear I would be like my father. I could never do anything that didn't tempt his rage. I'm 43 now and regret not having a kid. I think you can be a great father
“Contemptuous disregard for your goals” ... finding vocabulary for how they treated/treat me is so helpful and healing. Thank you.
My dad would say, 'My name then so big, yet so small' . . .and he would say 'you will never earn as much as me. (he has milliions)
Contemptuous disregard for my goals.
@@remnant9569 now it's up to you to get your own Fame and Fortune. Forget them saps in your past
My son recently asked me why my sister was so mean to me. I tried to explain to him the fact that I was my narcissistic mother's scapegoat in the family. I told him that she recruited my sisters to join in the abuse and they happily complied. I'm not sure if he understood what I was telling him, but it made me feel seen when he mentioned that my sister was abusive to me.
That sounds like my story. My sisters are our mother's "bulldogs". I haven't talked to them in 14 years.
It's similar to the school bullying dynamic, where others join in with the bullying or at least don't stand up for the victim, because people feel the choice is either to go along with it or face becoming another victim themselves. Might be easier for your child to understand.
Ye maybe tell him something else.
@@Caroline_T awesome !
@@Caroline_T Sounds just like my sister, too. Yet she somehow wonders why I hang up on her when she does this.
Just wish there was a fast way to heal really. It’s annoying to having to spend your time healing instead of living.
I literally have this same thought every day. Too much time has already been stolen... I want the healing fast-track please!
Have you tried EMDR therapy for trauma? It helped me a lot with my PTSD. That's what most of us probably have.
So true!
It’s like starting a race in a hole.
SO true!
I became so determined to be loving to everyone in my abusive family ; looking back I thought I could change them. I have let a lot of people walk all over me. Now I isolate because I don’t trust most people to treat me well.
I made the same choice and it has both good and bad results. I think it had it’s day and that a part of the former scapegoat child’s path is to go back and recognize our coping techniques, honor what good they did and assess if they still work. I have found my self isolating as causing new problems but the causes of need for it must then be addressed before eliminate it. Am still working on those. I ran across a comment about putting others first, very first before your needs was abandoning yourself. So I am trying to make judgment calls before I move on doing for others as to whether it would be abandoning myself first. I think too, at least for me, that I thought I could love them in. That proved sadly to be a false hope. I hope some of this give you hope. Your comment gave me hope because it reminded me, we are not alone. There are quite a few of us working our way out of the hard start of being an scapegoat child. I wish you every blessing to light your way. ❤
Same 🤍
The thought that you can fix them, or make them see the light, is powerful. I wasted a lot of time trying to help relatives that weren't interested in changing.
Folks, look up the Japanese concept of "Kintsugi." The correlation: Scapegoats have broken psyches. If they become stronger as a result of their experience, they become unique and more beautiful.
…and very confident, fulfilled, happy
That is a beautiful word. Thank you for sharing this. I hope to become better and stronger after all this hell.
Kintsugi is a perfect metaphor. I'll commit it to memory. 😊
OMG looked it up...what a beautiful concept...I am Kintsugi :)
DAMN!
“No contact” with one of my family members was the best decision of my life. Your happiness is more important than anything!
Religiously, I feel pressure from God to go back in.
When the scapegoat grows up---watch out!! The entire family will fall apart. Our role as scapegoat, is keeping the peace and holding the dysfunctional family together, however once we have said enough, the whole house of cards falls down...in my experience it did when I walked away---BEST DECISION EVER!!!
hey nice to hear and do you control and repeat your parents tendencies on other people ?
It is horrifying (yet at the same time somewhat comforting) to know others have had this same experience. 100% the best decision ever was to walk away and leave them to their evil ways. We can now become the people we were always m meant to be
I tried to make things work with my family!!! I am a slow learner!
Wow so true!!!
Scepitalbynsature . . . Halleluya , and chicken A
I always felt like my family bullied me. Being the victim of bullying has made me very compassionate & stoic. I am very thankful for this experience. Good things make us happy, but bad things make us strong.
Well said
That's exactly what my mom said. Me. Mom you treat me differently from my siblings. Mom...And look what a well educated, finically independent, strong person you have become..I moved away at 20..all I ever wanted was my mother to say she loves me and is proud of me. It happened on her deathbed.
I love how you say ‘family of origin’. It reminds me that family is so much more than just blood. Thank you!
Our true friends are the family we'd have chosen if we'd had the choice.
“The punching bag” I remember saying that to myself as a child and I isolated myself to avoid the family dynamic. Described as a free spirit because I did not want to conform to the role given to me. Now 18 months into therapy due to the last abuse marriage now ended and seeing a much different future for myself.
I am now “demanding” for people to treat me respectfully
i am not sure about these labels--but i do know i was teased mercilessly by my parents and sisters for wanting a clean house, clean clothes and nice hair. i retreated always to my room and books. i was shy and feared speaking to anyone till high school. then i was ridiculed about boys and good grades--or my achievements were just ignored by my parents. is this scapegoat kind of stuff? my dad hated every choice i made. both parents bought everything for middle child. i always had to pay parents back for any thing like school
clothes. all interesting. i guess i am ok . but my the middle sister has taken everything from mother and left her penniless and senile. i am now picking up the pieces and repairing my mother.
@@jillmaxwell4259 please go talk to someone, get professional help. I’ve been in therapy for 18 months now and I’m finally getting stronger. A good therapist will help you sort all these questions out. Answers to your questions will take time and once you start sorting things out you will pick your label. Which btw labeling is super important to understanding the things you need to work on to heal. You were definitely bullied and emotionally/ psychologically abused so that may a good start in therapy. Best wishes to you on your journey!!
Me too. Even before listening to this video I described myself as the “punching bag” of my parents.
@@jillmaxwell4259 oh gosh, this sounds like a painful journey. I personally think you're right, your feelings were never recognised or respected or empathised with. Sounds like the golden child is now preying on your parents. I'm in exactly the same situation, maybe even worse. Good news is you sound very resilient 😊 You may benefit from therapy, but sadly I wouldn't recommend becoming involved directly with the situation with your mother, helping her pick up the pieces is so strong and gracious of you. You may never receive the gratitude you deserve for it, but let it be it's own reward to yourself ❤️
Wow. I fully relate to this. I spent so much time alone to avoid the degradation, and my parents would mock me the second I emerged for being “too sensitive.” I’ve been the black sheep always, but I wear that as a badge of honor now, because it means I’m not like them. I hope your healing continues! 💕
When the scapegoat finds them self. They will seperate from their family and thrive while watching their family fall apart. At times the scapegoat may want to return the family; but when they think of the peace they have they never return back and live a great life.
I see them every half a year now. Enough time to forget how bad it is actually going back.
U know the hardest part is never hearing two things. “Thank you” and “I’m sorry”. I’m 44 and these are mind blowing statements when those outside the circle know it will bring Tears to your eyes
At about that age my sister and I heard those phrases cross our mothers lips for the first time to the person my sister dubbed 'mothers third daughter'. It was our (the golden child and the scapegoat's) punishment for making friends for the first time. Narcs are psycho mean right to the bitter end.
Huh. I never heard them from my mother and I am 48 years old.
Heck. I have never had my mother tell say I love you to me.
or I love you.
The hardest part for me is looking back into my childhood looking for a good memory with my mother… just one good memory… and there’s not even one. Not one happy moment I had with my mother. Also never hearing thank you or I’m sorry
They’re so full of themselves they don’t want to appreciate other people.
I am the scapegoat in my family of origin. I've been no contact for several years. Although I feel sadness and sometimes self doubt and guilt I always feel a deep sense of relief. I now use this experience in my work with domestic violence clients and am a trauma specialist. I very much relate to every word you've spoken here. I'm grateful for my recovery and awareness and the privilege of passing it on. One of my gifts now is that I can spot a narcissist at 1000 paces! Thank you for your work.
❤
Thank you for your work
Hey, you're awesome. Keep it up :)
Hi I'm 53 yr old woman who is/was the scapegoat until today. The anger is overwhelming and I am too afraid to cry. I have to cry to heal. I'm an open wound screaming blaming verbally abusing my husband. I just realized Anger is a safe place because if I cry I'm vulnerable and weak and just blame myself for being a a burden. I've been verbally standing up for myself for about 5 yrs and I'm treated worse and my sister has no contact with me. I apologized all my life and today I realized I'm not the problem. I'm a traumatized scapegoat who cleaned my side of the street. I thought all the garbage was mine. I no longer will pick up anyone's trash and I'm floored it's not mine I've been ferociously trying to clean up. My father will probably pass away anyway now. He was the only person who never left my side and he always had my best interests in mind. He is a total Narcissistic person yet once he goes the glue that bound the family is gone. He is gone mentally and the family excluded me from all information. When he dies I will be contacted by an unknown lawyer for who knows what? It is the worst week and today 3 family members acted so abusive I told them they are dead to me. I blocked every possible contact. My pain is deep yet It's my blessing. I will finally heal and I love and have me. I don't trust one soul. My husband is a Narcissistic person yet he is my only true friend right now. I'm very scared. I quit my job as a home health aid for my client is more abusive then any human I ever met. Scary day. I trust in me and your post. Can you reach out to me for some support?
@@stacyfayeblum7907 been there. I have been crying non stop for 2years now, after holding tears for 20years of my life. Just trying to remind myself, that crying heals.
That punch-in-the-gut feeling when someone is reading out your life experience like it's in a text book. Thank You.
Yes! And just when you think you must be the only person in the world….and you look around…..and there are multiple books being written by mental health professionals about your exact same circumstances!!!mind blowing.
Man, I’m glad I’m not the only one. I’m listening to this at work and trying not to burst into tears. I thought something was just wrong with me.
Yes.....this lady read me as if she knew me!!
Yep 👍
My mom was a wicked beast who knew, and still knows how to look great in front of people. If she put one ounce of the effort she put into looking good, into actually being good, she might have actually turned into a decent person. I still can't even be in the same room with her without cringing.
I'm with you on that, you could be describing my mother. I'm so sorry you experienced this too.
@petty poppy It depends on who is asking
WOW, WOW and WOW that is and was my mom in a nut shell. She never said a nice thing to me, ever so my sisters never treated me good either. It didn't change after my mom past away either. So little by little my two older sisters past away and I have a little sister left. But I finally went no contact with her and I feel at peace
@@lanettelarkins2474 I'm sorry you lost your sisters. What you went through sounds very intense. I respect that you typed it out. I truly hope you come out of this thriving. Its so frustrating that people who shouldn't have children do it so freely. They end up not only neglecting them, but abusing them. I don't know about you but I wish what I went through was only neglect. The attempts my mother took to be a mother were so twisted and self serving; Her efforts were bound to be destructive because she never grew up. Ugh, life can be such a mess. Good luck to you, and I wish you nothing but comfort and love.
Same here
Yes. I'm an empath too. I felt inadequate along the way, habitually trying to please. I woke up as a senior citizen. The knowledge you give is priceless. Thank you.
I'm so sorry.
I know how that goes. I hope that you get to enjoy your life, and enjoy to the fullest. You deserve it. Sorry you went through so much. Shalom
I'm sorry too and wishing healing and happiness for you.
I also am an empath and “woke up” as a 61 year old devastated soul, I’m 63 now, working desperately to heal, have gone no contact with my family including my daughter, I still have contact with my sons.
My family (mother’s side, father and his side absent childhood) are mostly women, and boy are they good narcissists
57.
As a scapegoated child I still feel uncomfortable recieving gifts, love, or help from other people since I’m not used to it. Romantic movies make me really uncomfortable because I never really had a feeling of unconditional love. I have repeated the same patterns of making friends with narcissistic people and dating narcissistic people some of them abused me as well. I’m trying to stop the patterns and look for ways to set boundaries and cope better. I’m moving away from my NMom this winter so hopefully the distance helps our relationship.
I’m 😢 sorry.
Omg the same here I get super uncomfortable when some tries to help , give love or even receiving a gift .. and romantic movies makes me uncomfortable .. I get super scared when I get too close to people …
Ditto
Sending you big hugs I used to be that way too now I ask for things love, time, attention, gifts, money which was like doing a 180! You matter and deserve things too try asking for some of your needs to be met you can heal this.
EXACTLY the way I feel...makes me not feel so alone😍
Something I've noticed and personally experienced is that scapegoats often find each other and form lasting friendships and partnerships. There is a deep compassion and understanding; you were both in the trenches, just in different parts of the world. My husband, like me, is the scapegoat in his family and our bond not only keeps the toxic BS out of our lives but also means we're no longer suffering alone. There is true power when scapegoats and black sheep (I still can't tell the difference?) join forces.
A scapegoat is the person who gets blamed for everything and takes BS from everyone.
A black sheep is a misfit by virtue of his own traits .
Happy that you and your husband found each other and your story has a happy ending.
I would have thought that the scapegoat gets kept around in order to continue to be the scapegoat; a black sheep is cast out.
As a former scapegoat, i can attest to this: it is imperative for scapegoats to cut their family of origin off- because what happens is when you become an adult and have kids, your “family” will use YOUR kids now as the fresh supply for their toxic abuse!
Narcissist dont change over time, holding onto hope that one day theyll see how much you mean to them, aint gona happen! They actually get worse over time 😢. So please do the inner work, and use those gifts you acquired to help heal others ❤
that’s crazy news , wow
THIS is me. Almost word for word. I am now 68 yrs old and my parents are long gone but it took me SO LONG to understand that it was NOT MY FAULT. The feeling of relief is staggering.
❤❤❤
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Same with me Marie Clancy. I don't feel I've ever had a successful relationship
my mom had me and my sis very young. the mean old girl , 79, is still kicking and kicking ME
@cindykristaSame here. Mom is a narcissist and then I married a covert narc. Life is unbearable at times😢
The unfortunate reality is that it’s so hard to find a therapist that specializes in narc abuse particularly child abuse at the hands of a narc parent. I live in Arizona and I gave up looking. That is why you are worth your weight in gold Dr. Ramani! 🙏🥰
I live in AZ too and have gone to several therapists and none of them knew anything about narc family abuse. Thankfully I have found DR R, and she totally gets it. 💗
I was just thinking for victims of narcissistic parents, the therapist would need to use different skills. If you go to a therapist who doesn’t validate your experience and expects you to solve everything on your own. Then therapy is just like the rest of my life. Always having to do and figure out everything on my own. Now I have to be there for the therapist too!
@@brigitte9999 I'm in Arizona too and had the same problem! The therapists I saw just kept stressing that I set boundaries. They don't get it! I actually felt worse after going; like I'm too inept to even set boundaries!
Try therapy online… there are many options
I'm in Arizona and a family scapegoat also. Been in different kinds of therapy/counseling/recovery groups etc. for MANY years.... I must say I believe it was God repeating the word "Narcissist" in my head at age 65! I googled it, was lead to RUclipsrs like Dr Ramini and others. I began the most eye opening healing & recovery process I've ever experienced! I am so grateful for her and others sharing their wisdom and studies with me! 💕💕💕💕
My older sister was the scapegoat in the family. I was the lost child. Recently I spoke up in her defense about something and must’ve rocked the boat, I became the target of an attempted smear campaign. I think this was retaliation for going to bat for her, and since she limits her contact with several siblings, they needed a new target! I am beginning to understand how painful it must have been for her throughout the years!
On your sister's behalf...Thank you.
Siblings often don’t see anything until the target ices themselves out. It’s usually too late.
When I was 60 yrs old, my only sibling, my younger sister by 14 months, the 'golden child' to our mother, called me & told me she was beginning to understand what I had been telling her for years & why I went no contact with our mother. A HUGE burden lifted from me as she answered my question, "What do you understand?" She really did see some of the sh!t our narcissistic mother heaped on us & especially on me, the scapegoated child. Now she receives the brunt of crap since I went no contact 2 yrs ago.
Yep. I hope my siblings finally admit to all of it and break away like I did. I'll never know because I recently went NC with ALL of them. Was LC for years but enough is enough and the way the world is (if you know, you know) I don't want them anywhere near me.
@@katie7748 sorry to say that unless they stop being flying monkeys, it's not likely to happen. Just focus on yourself.
I have to say that I am a great bully slayer. You develop this inner strength by the empathy and when you witness bullying, you are able to actually make the bully back down- and that’s really hard to do.
At 59, I no longer “want” my mom to understand what she’s done and continues to do to me. I no longer “want” her to admit her bad behavior, judgment, attitude towards me, I no longer “want” an apology.
I am beyond and over all “those wants”.
Now, I “only want” it to stop - in whatever way that manifests itself. I’m done caring if she ever realizes that she’s an abusive, enabled Narc.
It's really hard when you realize your parent REALLY doesn't love you, for whatever reason. It's hard to trust anyone when the person who should have, doesn't. I can't help you, but I can empathize. It's their dysfunction, not yours.
I wish I could get here so badly. I'm 57, been no contact for 2 years. My family treats me like I'm Cruella DeVille and my mother is an adorable dalmation puppy.
That's basically where I am today.
@@nancyjohnson5483 That sounds tough. I think if you feel it's a duty, you'll be glad you did this later when she's gone.
Mine were more sadistic (actually derived pleasure from psychologically abusing me). I finally had to walk away 100% once I realized what was going on. Only took me 50+ years! :-)
@@Gigi-wb8pe glad you finally found peace
"I really, really hope for scapegoats to recognise that they have always been more than enough, and that the constant manipulations of childhood were the projections of a psychologically stunted parent, who projected their own inadequacies and insecurities onto their children". THIS ❤. It should go on a T-shirt.
I want tobuy one!!
Things like this, I will often write on a note card and put it on the mirror or by the stove, somewhere I will see it frequently and read it over and over.
@@dorothypettijohn6228 Me, too.
@@lisakukla459 This is brilliant. I might start doing the same.
@@dorothypettijohn6228 😊❤
I can tell you what happened to this Scapegoat, myself, after I was kicked out of the house at 18: I joined the US Army, travelled to Germany, got accepted into the ROTC program to become an Army Officer, got a degree in Computer Science all on my own dime - parents helped me not at any point at all. Now I own my own very nice home, have children who are going to college, have a good career in the IT field, and am very happy! My parents thought I would be a loser but I proved them very wrong. I interact with my family on my own terms and none of them dare treat me as a scapegoat these days!
You go!!! I’m 26 and nowhere, stories like this give me hope!
Good for you ❤❤❤
You did amazing! But the thing they will never be proud or be pleased with your amazing accomplishments. They are twisted trust me! But your happy and that is what counts here 🙂
Good for you!! You're amazing and I'm sure your children agree. Thank you for not giving up
AND THATS ON PERIOD BITCHHH LETS GOOOOOOO
watching this , for me it was difficult not to cry. A family therapist when I was a kid, actually made my mom brother & sister leave the room so she could give me the breakdown of what was happening & why - that I was not to blame for the dynamics in my family & that my relatives may never stop doing this & I had to find ways to cope with that in order to adapt & flourish in life. She was right. Even decades later. That feeling that I was "the family joke" never left me.
Made up with my mother after a year, I started cleaning for her, she had been super sweet and but after 4 month she started verbally abusing me again. We went shopping today and she was being really loud speaking about the government and covid, moaning aggressively wanting everyone to know her views even though I agree with her on alot of things I said "mum please quiet down Abit" it was excessive. She shouted defensively " I will not be quiet, I will say what I want ". She carried on being defensive but I was quiet and just kept walking. Then 10 mins later she walked in the middle of road but the car was beeping at her. I said " mum the car is beeping, because your in the road". Once again she started shouting agressively that she doesn't have to move for anyone, I whispered "mum please shut up your embarrassing me" BIG MISTAKE! Her eyes widened at me, nostrils flared, it looked like she became possessed and said "how dare you tell me to shut up, who do you think you are you little child" btw I'm 37. She proceeded to verbally abuse me for about 5 minute in front of everyone, so humiliating I nearly cried. So I gave her, her bags, told her to make her own way home, don't expect me to take care of you and put up with the abuse. I told her to get my brother or sister to come take care of her, which btw they won't even though they are her favourites. I left her!
I will not give her another chance again, I would never even speak to my 11 year old that way.
You'd think after the 37 years of verbal and physical abuse, and the fact I'm still the only one helping her would spark some humility within her, but No! I don't believe these people can change! No more chances, no more tears!
What a joyous day of freedom for you! I wish I could have done that 40 years ago. You set a boundary today. A HUGE one! You don't deserve anyone's abuse. Stay strong.
@@Loralu192 Thank you! My step dad turned up out the blue today. He's left my mum after 15 years, she was angry because he went to see his daughter and family. It was the final straw for him too 😳
@@mikaking3150 Thank you! Not something I wanted to do but, I felt I was left with no choice!
@@Michelle-uh7qi stay strong! Don't ever try to make up with her again. I tried making up with my mom too.... didn't go well, regret ever trying. Her excuse for not being able to be a loving mother was because i was "fat, ugly and disgusting just like grandma" (her words about her own mother and me) and there is no way she could ever relate to me. My jaw dropped, i have no control over how genetics work. and yes i was a bit on the heavy side during my puberty before my hormone storm stabilised and my weight normalised to a "perfect 10" (like in the song. UK size 10), but it seems she can't get that old visual out of her head. It was surreal experience. By the way, my grandma was a lovely loving woman, i have only good memories of her. And it hurts me to remember all the ways my mother hurt her and manipulated her by using me as a pawn.... my mom alienated me from my grandma when i was 9, took me to another country, never saw my grandma again... after my mom died, i found letters from my grandma addressed to me that i never received... my mother did the same with my bio dad... and after i went no contact with my mom, her husband (my step dad) became the scape goat... unfortunately he wasn't strong enough mentally to leave and start anew. RIP step dad. He was a lovely man, always bending backwards for her to make her happy, but nothing was good enough for her... the goalpost just kept shifting.
@@SpiritDragoness Thank you!
Sorry you went through that, and yes children are nothing but pawns to narcissists, even the Golden children except it's a more pleasant experience for them.
Stay strong, keep shining 💪 ✨
I cried so naturally while watching and hearing this. the tears just seemed to manifest from somewhere deep within. I cant thank you enough for your words and the light you bring to the lives of people such as me. Thank you so much for making me feel validated in my own emotions and emotional needs. Thank you..
I cried too....and I just stumbled upon this video. I did not know who Dr. R was and what these terms meant. But these situations were things that happened to me...
Omar, that is so nicely put.
This is perhaps the first of many steps to recovery. Welcome.
I am sorry you were abused. I can relate! I just want to tell you that you are actually fortunate not to be a pathological narcissist yourself. That is the true worst fate! They are miserable inside. Keep going with your self-development. You can attain your dreams in life, if you just believe in yourself and surround yourself with healthy, supportive individuals!
They are NOT miserable .they get their dead groins off harming people..especially the vulnerable and nice...they may end up miserable IF people wake up and leave them alone in their sadism...but they can usually find someone to help them, sadly
Yep, i was the scapegoat. Physical, emotional and psychological abuse from my mother. Not something I realized independently. It was 42 years of abuse before I figured it out. Started reading and watching Dr. Ramani's videos to educate myself.
You go girl! 42 is very young still, you've only to ask anyone who is older and know what sugar, I'll bet you you're wise beyond your years! Blessings!
@@joseenoel8093 ❤thanks
Same
Read her book "don't you know who I am"
Yep and when my mom had cancer and I was the one over there "helping her out" one day she said to me I just wanted to tell you if I've ever not treated you right through the years or didn't do what I was supposed to do I'm sorry and I said Mom what are you talking about? oh stop! I stood in the kitchen by myself and I was like I wasn't wrong it really was bad for me..
and then I asked my siblings if mom had said anything like that to them and they looked at me like I was crazy but the best part came the night before she died I was the only one at the hospital trying to help her feel good and I made a comment I said" it'll be okay ma" and that is when she blew up she started screaming at me stop telling me it'll be okay and I think I blocked a lot of what she said but she got her last parting shot that night
..I don't know how to describe the feelings I had after that happened idk...there's nothing in books about the way I felt as I left that room... in the middle of the night they said to come and we got there and she passed away in the morning and there was a sense of relief and who in the world has a sense of relief when their mother dies? I often say out loud I wish my sister was still here and my dad...never my mom, sadly...Lol I always wanted Beavers mom June with her pearls, sitting on my bed and talking to me as my mom...yeah I really did🤓 in my 60s and I know it all now and my narcissistic sister...golden still likes to mock or do her thing...I may have to go no contact...closing up the circle
I cried the pain so sore, but knowing I’m not alone , reading other peoples comments, and understanding it gives me hope .
Thank you 🙏
I’m also a scapegoat. It’s taken me 40 years to start to shake off believing I’m a bad person. It’s been hard to accept that the feelings of anger and frustration toward my mother for total emotional neglect and constant invalidation don’t mean I’m bad, it means I’m human and still feel fully. There are many downsides of social media but access to content like this is one of the absolute bright spots- life changing! Thank you.
I'm 41 and right there with you. We'll be alright
Thank you for putting into words what I cannot.
I had that exact kind of "mother"......
💟🤗
You’re not bad, I get it I grew up believing I wasn’t worth the air I breathed thanks to siblings and extended family that shoved me out of the loop. Thankfully my parents aren’t narcs but they did enable and gaslight not realizing the damage they were enabling to create. You’re a surviver not a bad person, not a criminal, not at fault in anyway! Your mom owed to you a healthy childhood and failed but I’m sure you’re a better person than most in the world 🤟🏽
You never stop being the scapegoat.
Move far away and cut contact.
You are not obligated to them.
Release yourself and don’t look back.
This made me cry. ♥️ For me, it was a side comment by a therapist who said to me what you stated... The treatment I received was not ok and I was not to blame. THAT was like a lightbulb turning on for me. I don't think I even knew I was the scapegoat until she uttered those words. And now you did as well. Thank you for helping so many of us heal and let in the light, dear Dr. Ramani! ♥️
I'm a man, this brought me to tears while shopping last night.
lucky for me it was terrible weather rain and wind everywhere.
I dont care anymore . They do this to extort , to get their way .
“A rich fantasy life around how they hoped to be treated.” Maladaptive daydreaming. *Raises hand *
I don't know that it was maladaptive. In my imagination, I was loved and protected. When you are a child and can't escape, I think it's very beneficial to imagine a world where things are as they should be.
I definitely did that! I went, in my mind, to a safe place.
I used my fantasy world to be a writer. Escaped to a character in a book.
Hopefully Dr. Ramani can do a video on this and how it relates to narcissistic abuse. I also had and still have this as a way to cope.
When it becomes maladaptive is when it blurrs the lines between fantasy and reality.
I was the golden child sister, and my father gave me semi- special treatment-though it was always a back and forth between special treatment and mistreatment. What bothers me is that my little brother was the scapegoat, and to this day I feel guilty about it. I never once took advantage of the fact I was the golden child to mistreat my brother; seeing my brother be beaten to a zero was the worse feeling in the world. I don’t talk to my dad often, but when we have family reunions and he tries to step all over him, I immediately defend my brother. I am an adult now and can defend myself and my brother.
My half sister is the "golden child" and it's a tough gig. The realisation hit me that whilst one child may appear to have preferential treatment, they're not actually valued for who they are but only as a source of narcissistic supply for the toxic parent. One example of this was my sister trying to open up about starting therapy to me and her mother (we're half sisters). Her mother shut it down immediately and told her "you're not like that"
After a particularly bad breakup her mothers attitude was she "should be a Russian oligarchs wife" no empathy. She's only allowed to exist in a light that benefits the narcissistic parent. She carries the burden of consistently having to smile, be successful (or what parents deem successful) and look good on the outside, whilst also feeling the weight of peacemaker. Two out of four children (myself included) are pretty much zero contact and tbh we're the lucky ones.
@@kateoakes9234 she doesn’t have to associate with her if she doesn’t like to pretend to be perfect for her-if she’s tired of being Miss Perfect she can say no. It’s about learning to do it-I had to learn to say no to my father. Because when you say no, you cut their Narcissistic supply immediately.
❤ you are an amazing sister ❤
My siblings knew I was the scapegoat, but didn’t question it. I think they were just glad they weren’t the person being blamed. It took over 20 years for my family to include my children’s portraits on their wall of family photos. My dad & siblings were okay with my children inheriting the role of *scapegoat* & being mistreated by my mom.
@@katiedinkel1681 sometimes others around the narcissist prefer not to resist rather than fight. The Narcissist has a special way of keeping others in check and in control. I can tell you that in my case, my father had everyone in my family dominated for a very long time, to the point nobody dared question him. We were afraid of him and his rage.