The family scapegoat is usually the truth teller. It’s usually the child who sees through the toxic parents’ bullshit and often points it out. I was that child.
Yes. 200% agree. I too understand. I'm still the truth teller. I just keep saying it on here with my initials and with adjusted names on social media. I refuse to be silent.
@@sirenarin7927 There is usually a reason why certain children are selected as the scapegoat though, and in my opinion that is usually because the child is not 100% conforming to the toxic parents’ will. The toxic parents sense that they can’t control this child and they know that the kid isn’t like them, and so they instigate the scapegoat tactic in an effort to bully and regain control. So yeah, the scapegoat child might not know how to verbalize or point out the toxic behavior, but their defiance may come out in other, more subtle ways that the parent notices. Narcissistic parents do not tolerate any kind of dissent. The scapegoat tactic is used to punish and keep control. It’s also a way to deflect blame from themselves.
Congratulations to you for doing one of the hardest things in your life. I cut all of mine out as well, and am just finally getting over the grief and mourning. Of course the responsibility always falls on us.
That’s because psychologists for years have studied dysfunctional patterns in families and they’re pretty much the same with every family except who gets each role
Yes! Whenever I watch a video or read a book about narcissistic family dynamics I am just blown away by how unoriginal my mother is in her abusive behaviour! A cookie cutter covert narcissist. What a waste of a life that could have been spent resolving her own issues and spreading love and joy instead of misery and discord. I am not like her and will not be like her! Life is a gift and I intend to do everything I can to be the best version of myself.
The scapegoat carries the aura of unworthiness everywhere. My brother ensured that my cousins knew it was ok to persecute me whenever they visited. My suffering was the family's shared entertainment. Even when I wasn't with my toxic family I was ostracised and bullied at school. I was always surprised when someone was kind to me or wanted to spend time with me. I was so deprived of affection that I once started crying when my aunt spontaneously kissed me on the head after she had washed my hair. I was so overwhelmed by that - her expression of warmth towards me. I remember crying myself to sleep nearly every night because I didn't know why everyone hated me so much. I'm so glad I got out and don't have kids myself. Childhood was hell.
I understand, my friend. I'm 60 now and never had kids because I was terrified I would be a mother like my own. I felt I never really fitted in my whole life. I feel you, I truly do. All the very best to you and yours. 💜🌻✌️
@@toni-leeblair5869 thank you for your kind words. I always felt like I didn't belong, but now that I'm out of that prison I'm so grateful for seeing the truth of my family dysfunction. I'm glad I'm not like them! But it breaks my heart to see my siblings kids being exposed to the same nastiness by their emotionally stunted parents. And my parents are also adding to the next generation of trauma, crushing the natural sweetness of their grandchildren by playing favourites with the Golden Grandchildren (moulded to be tough and unempathetic) and being indifferent and disdainful to the gentler kids. I'm waiting for those little scapegoats with open arms and therapy when they are old enough to get out themselves. I know what they are going through like nobody else.
So sorry to hear you went through that. I can relate. I was trained to believe I'm less than and don't deserve good things, I'm the one expected to the do the grunt work and keep everything together while the rest of the family treats me like crap and does whatever they won't. It's just vile. It's so strange when someone is actually nice. It's like you don't know what to do with it, I have an automatic reject it response. I expect to be treated like shit. Sad. Such weak people to use another person like they do with targeted family member.
I know it’s been 6 months since you wrote this comment but I relate to you word for word. I cry when someone is nice to me because it’s so rare in my life. I just assume new people won’t like me because if my own family didn’t then why would anyone else. Anyway I hope you’re healing well, sending you love x
@@kira_kira thank you for your kind wishes! I am doing well. The biggest breakthrough I had was separating my healing journey from them seeing the light. For so long I wasted time wanting them to 'get it', recognise their appalling behaviour and apologise. But once I realised that was never going to happen, and essentially gave up hope of having a normal relationship with them, I was able to start moving on with my life and really begin healing. I went no contact and focused on reparenting myself. It's hard work but I have never felt so positive about the future. The problem is not us. The problem is that the families we were raised in were moulded by countless generations of dysfunction and they don't have the guts to face up to it or work on fixing it. I realise now that I am finally out of the dysfunctional family system that I am the strongest and also most empathetic member of the family, despite them always trying to cast me as the one with problems. I guess I always had those qualities and maybe that marked me out as someone who needed to be brought into line. Who knows. All I know now is that their narrative about me has absolutely zero influence on my self-image or future happiness. I hope the same thing happens for you! X
Being the family scapegoat actually taught me to be resilient and to choose my friends and "family" wisely. I was the only child of 6 to go to college and live abroad. I've also been able to make career moves easily. And I now avoid my family as much as possible because they gossip about me in order to feel good about their miserable lives (I know this from reading the room whenever I do have to see family).... Scapegoats, we are better than our toxic families made us to be/feel.
I learned to see a lot, but chose poorly so many times with other people! I'm learning that I do not have to fix things for every distressed, hapless person I come across, a hangover of feeling guilty over all I didn't fix then! No contact is the only way to deal with the extreme toxicity and it seems a great sign that behavior I recall, or see now, often seems laughably inept and silly. But it has been a long long road and that does make me angry. It really was somebody else's fault all along.
Oddly similar to my situation. Scapegoated amongst the 5 kids. Studied in China, learned Mandarin, and broke away from the toxicity, but as soon as I came back it was: you're an evil brother for not writing your older sister's personal statement for her! 😷😷😷
You are spot on. I went no contact for over 20 years. When I eventually resumed selective contact, my siblings reverted back to type and treated me like garbage without skipping a beat. This sickness never ends. Get out and stay out. These parasites live to destroy what is healthy and normal.
Oh Susan, you stated it so perfectly: "these parasites live to destroy what's healthy and normal." Omg, my family to a T! I've gone 100% no contact for about 3 or 4 years now. I actually don't even miss them, so no danger of recidivism. 😉
Congrats Susan, i dream on doing that 24/7. When i'm happy they say things like: what happened? why wasn't i a part of it? aren't you happy near me? Ewww. they are vampires.
Yep! A narcissist will always need a scapegoat to treat like crap. I am no contact with my entire toxic family. There's no safety in a narcissistic family.
@@lpzimmn Yes Vampires, blood sucking, energy draining monsters!!! The cruelty and lack of compassion from parents and siblings is still astounding to me and I've been no contact for nearly a decade. What l don't feel like though is wounded or not good enough, it's fantastic to be free of them!! 😊👍
"Pick up right where they left off with you." OMG!!! I left my home over 40 years ago, but whenever I'm in their company, they are talking to me as if it's still 1981!!
@@patriciagriffin1505 True. I have decided that I no longer need to be involved with that type of treatment and behavior towards me. So, I removed myself. And, now, a year later, I am really having a good life.🙌🏽
The scapegoat doesn't get to have a childhood. It's exhausting to be responsible for everything that goes wrong including someone else's "bad" feelings. I really don't know how I survived
I am just beginning to accept that I was my mother's scapegoat. I was hated and required to suppress my needs for the well-being of the rest of the family. Mom passed away three years ago, and I am beginning to process her abuse. My closest friends recently told me that they noticed a huge difference between the way she treated my siblings and the way she treated me.
Oh my god same here! I'm almost more angry at her now, because she still has a hold over me negatively, in all the toxic partners I let walk all over me. I know why now, but I don't know how to stop.
"required to suppress my needs for the well-being of the rest of the family" I can identify. I felt the same way. I was to take a seat at the back of the bus that the narcissist (Dad) drove.
I'm 73, just went through what "Jane" went through, recently. My (favored golden child) sister just went into a nursing home, Parkinson's. She has two best friends taking care of her and her estate. Being the dutiful kid brother, I offered my help. I did the heavy lifting, processed the highly technical stuff, because, I was the only adult male there that could handle it, figure it out. I gave it my all, with pure intention I left with what was bequeathed to me. It filled my full sized van. Sister's best friends do not know me, haven't spent time with me, and do not know me as an adult or what I have accomplished. I was attacked by one friend, insulted as stupid, lazy, selfish, uncaring, other guilt trips These were descriptions of me when I was a child, an ADHD child, confused, clueless. They could only have gotten these adjectives from my sister... who obviously only remembers that ADHD child. I got triggered, big time. I drove the van back to her place, emptied it into the garage, and have gone no-contact. All the contents of my sister's house can go in the dumpster. All that family memorabilia, the treasures of my sister's world travels, even the cremated remains of father, mother, uncles. I want nothing to do with it all. The guilt trips began, all of which are now being deleted without reading, immediately. I am processing the emotions, which is very difficult, but to get to the other side, I have to plow through the middle.... wish me luck. I am seeking counseling.
I want to hug you and tell you you are a beautiful caring living soul. You wanted things to be what they never ever will. Accept it won't. Grieve your loss. I am in this too.
This hit home. It's been really hard to function in life because it feels like existing is asking too much from the world and the people around me. Like I owe them for allowing me to eat and breathe and be in their presence. What makes it weirder is that it feels like everyone else on earth is entitled to things like that but I'm the only exception.
Im so deeply sorry you were treated that way. There is absolutely nothing nothing nothing ok about that. I can relate to what you're saying here, it sounds very much like how i would describe how ive felt much of my life. Please keep doing whatever healing work you're doing because its beyond worth it to feel free and beloved in your own skin when the work starts to take hold. You are an amazing, glorious, cherished and perfect being, unrepeatable and with beauty to share with the world, if you feel like it. 💙💙💙
I'm sorry you feel this way. I have felt like this my whole life as well. I'm still battling with it somewhat. It's so hard to reprogram your mind to what you were taught as a child.
Sofia, I completely relate and intimately understand your comment. Sad that it takes a lifetime to figure it out, for me anyway. And once I logically figured it out, those ingrained (taught) emotional core beliefs r lurking in the recesses of my psyche. Victim blaming is a lifelong projection. Hell, even I blame myself most times. Course that's all part of the mindf**k isn't it?
I am the scapegoat in my toxic family system. I always felt like everything was my fault and I had to sacrifice myself to fix it. I was the emotional punching bag for my family to beat down. I was literally told I had to earn my place in the family. I finally went no contact with my entire narcissistic family. I realized once you have been a scapegoat you will always be the scapegoat. Narcissists don't change.
Very true. They like to keep you in that position. They love the power to abuse you. They think they have that right because of the Parents approval, and Joy when the blame is taken off of them.
Me too. I had no teenage years. I moved out at 19. I felt so suffocated. I grew up and had my "teenage" years then. I grew up over 100 miles away from them. I had to cone back as I got into a relationship with a really toxic person. It was awful that I had to come back. The lies and the gossip were flying. My big mouth mother ruined a few good friendships due to her exaggerated lies... grrrr
I became grateful for having been the primary scapegoat when I realized it had put me so far outside the dysfunctional system that I had almost nothing to lose by leaving altogether.
I was constantly blamed for being "weird" :) Every argument I had was of course my fault. So, I grew up with a belief that I am a weird person. You can imagine how much impact it has on my life :)
Same here! They told me I was weird and crazy my whole life. When I met strangers, it was actually so refreshing because they’d treat me like a normal human being and actually said I was the most normal of the family. But my family made sure I never knew this and would constantly belittle and nitpick my every move to make me feel like I was doing something wrong, weird, stupid, crazy, etc. usually they called me weird and crazy. They even went as far as to recruit everyone in my school as their flying monkeys, even my closest friends. It was indeed traumatizing and I ended up getting expelled from that school, which go figure right?It makes sense cus I am the scapegoat and even if the other students were doing 10x worse things than me, ofc I’m the one with the most severe punishment. It seems like the role of scapegoat followed me everywhere I went. I literally could not trust anyone. I still feel this way and I am still healing and trying to find a way to leave my family. It’s hard to heal in the environment that broke you, as you may know. I’m taking things day by day. Sorry for ranting, had to get that off my chest.
I was the family scapegoat and was always called "negative" for being upset about things like my parents drunk driving with kids in the car, throwing a plate at me because my parent didn't like the way I said, "yes" when they asked me if I had dinner yet, or similar situations where the parent was clearly in the wrong but refused to take responsibility for their actions and instead created a reality for themselves where I was somehow to blame. I went no contact last year and have had a difficult time processing the abuse over the last year, but I'm free from the constant nastiness that was hurled at me for so long and I feel like I'm breathing fresh air for the first time! Thanks for your insightful videos, they've really helped me and others who I've recommended them to.
Jeez, this sounded very familiar to what happened to me at a holiday visit with my family a few years ago. Situation is sooooo similar. Sorry you went through that. ❤❤❤
Ahhh yes the "you answered in a tone" when all you did is say yes. Like WTF , everything we did, said, thought was wrong or some offense against them. EVERYTHING I did was wrong, EVERYTHING. Even though I did it correctly, was a straight a student, great kid, pleasant, quiet, well mannered, smart, but still I was always wrong and never good enough. People don't understand how much we had to think and react before we opened our mouths just to try to avoid the abuse, only to still be wrong and still get abused. At 42 I still am trying to trust my gut and figure out my voice.
being shamed and punished for being ill and needing urgent care…i still hold a lot of anger about the hostility i received when i needed care and compassion. lots of bells going off listening to this video. that’s soooo me.
I went deaf due to an untreated ear infection. This was my fault apparently. Had a broken wrist for 6 weeks, how dare I complain and cost a $20 copay for emergency services? To this day, I don’t go to the doctor and apologize for being ill
Everyone including people in the mental health field treated me like dirt. It mostly began when I had the first of two severe eye injuries. The first was from medical malpractice. The second from an assault where my eye was smashed with two large brass knuckles. I lost most of the eye and am blind. My family upped the abuse and made me a laughing stock. Of course it all was my fault....not! I hear you. These creatures have zero empathy. It’s shocking to me.
I definitely know that feeling. I had a really bad ingrown toenail that turned Purple and also got a staph infection. Neither one of my worthless excuses for parents believed me when I told them the VERY FIRST DAY that I needed to go to a doctor. The infection wouldn't have happened if they'd just believe me. I even showed my mom my extremely Red swollen toe. Still didn't believe me. The last time I went to the hospital for a podiatrist appointment my dad had to take me and he asked where he should drop me off. Before I could even answer he flew into a massive tantrum rage when he didn't even let me answer his question. He told me I could walk home and refused to answer the phone which I knew he would. I called my enabling mom and she came and got me and when I told her what happened she right off said that I MUST HAVE said something to make him act that way. I know she didn't believe me then and if I brought it up now I know she'd call me a liar and say it never happened. I'd rather die than have him ever have to take me to the hospital again. I've even told him if I need to go to the hospital, I'll walk.
'The rebel scapegoat becomes the hero but without a Messiah complex once we heal.' Could you elaborate on this plz? Especially the 'without a Messiah complex' part.
@@alphabeta525 Dear Alpha. My apologies for the late reply. I trust that your well. In response to your questions, we become a hero to ourselves by becoming the person we were meant to be. Once we've shaken off the shackles of lies that once chained us to our NPD, psychopath parents, siblings etc. We don't go around trying to save and rescue everybody anymore with a messiah complex, for example "I know I can save, help that person and everyone I meet who needs help." We help only those that desperately, genuinely want help and will do the neccercary work to change themselves for the better. Thus, we don't then get so tired and exhausted and used selfishly by people who want help, but refuse to change, those that want you to carry them. Hope that helps. Kind regards. God bless you.
@@reverentalexanderchezeley-6367 Thank you so much for putting things in perspective for me. Due to my upbringing in a Toxic narcissistic family which conditioned me to attract toxic narcissistic personalities out side of my family, it would feel so confusing to be in a place of being abused while not understanding how I got there while others around me are not as badly affected by the narcissist (outside family - at college, workplace etc.). After being revictimized by narcissists in the outside world and the recent covert abuse (the narcissist is not in my life now thankfully) that happend and after some self reflection, I started realizing that I have this urge to save/help those people who need and especially this happens with narcissists. With this kind of personality trait (conditioned through familial abuse), a healthy person could be careful with the boundaries, but the narcissist takes advantage of it by trying to act as the victim and then pushing the boundaries. That is how I understood that I'm being revictimized again and again after bing trapped through their playing the victim (or probably my perception of them being the victim even if they haven't tried playing victim). So just wanted to hear more about the messiah complex (or Saviour complex as how I would call it). Thanks for the reply again.
Yup, I was told I was selfish for just taking a shower. Doing my own laundry and taking a shower were considered so selfish of me. I struggled with self care at one time in my life. Taking a shower caused me great anxieties until I figured out where it came from.
I relate to this so much. My mother shamed me so badly and repeatedly for not having already cleaned my room (cuz children spontaneously do housework?!??) that it was years into adulthood before I realized that even thinking about cleaning triggered shame spirals and avoidance. Catch-22. It's been awesome to realize I can clean and tidy for mySELF because I deserve to live in clean and comforting space.
I was told off for taking a shower as an adult at one get together that I was stupid enough to attend. Apparently I *might* use up too much hot water and then someone more important than me *might* be subjected to a lukewarm shower. It was the middle of the day and I had purposely waited until my baby was down for a nap so I wouldn't get told off for 'expecting someone else' to watch her, so much for trying to be unobtrusive, hey just found some other reason to tell me off.
@@bellaluce7088 I was shamed for not doing chores as well and for years I had anxiety around it. Just this year I realized that my parents hadn't taught me how to do tasks even as simple as cleaning my room. Like, how is a little girl supposed to take care of herself when you do not teach her how to? Pure insanity... No healthy person is that irrational.
How about this for blame: my abusive father and two brothers were lying on the floor watching tv. I tried to walk over them to leave the room. One brother (while laughing) tripped me. I landed with my knee on my father’s chest, which later needed medical treatment. This became in family lore as…the time I tried to kill Dad. Their reasoning was that if I wasn’t so fat, it wouldn’t have hurt him. Thanks for the video.
Whenever I get a wound, get almost killed by a vehicle accident (which was not my fault but the driver's), or have a disease which was out of my control ( I caught dengue last week); I would get blamed, guilt tripped and called selfish for behaving normally in situations that were not under my control and neither the outcome of my action. Totally ridiculous. But I guess some of us are just a little unfortunate being born into abnormal functioning family systems when we didn't deserve it, it's fine, we are neither alone nor at fault.
im the scapegoat in my family. i have 3 siblings and my mother targeted me with verbal, physical and emotional abuse, and allowed my siblings to do the same to me. i cant even begin to describe how badly it's ruined my life. we're older now, my siblings are so succesful; im just wandering through life aimlessly. not sure what i can do except wait for life to pass.
I too have recently realized that my Narc Dad taught my younger siblings how to treat me. Thankfully with therapy I am continuing to heal from the past and have gone grey rock/very low contact with siblings and no contact with father. I wish you the best and sorry you’ve gone through something similar.
You can change this! Please believe in yourself! I know what it’s like! So very difficult, every day is a challenge to make choices that celebrate my existence!
I decided to prove them wrong. I have worked to get well all of my life and, in my 50's, stopped saying mean things about myself or to myself. I am mostly at peace now though for a few years I was just waiting for life to be over. Start by being kind to yourself in every possible way: "Look at that, you got out of bed!" "Whoohoo you brushed your teeth." Don't let them have any more of your power, my friend. You can bring yourself up. If I could, you can. My best to you.
@@tor4833 Yes! Stop saying mean things about yourself or to yourself! As scapegoats, we're devalued, and eventually we're taught to devalue ourselves. NO MORE!!!
You can be in your 60's and still be treated like a child by your siblings. It's waking up to this scapegoat/black sheep scenario that finally (and sadly) forces one into a more healthy environment by leaving much contact with those who show little respect and rewrite history.
Why do they do that? Treat us like a child at 56 my 72 year old sister always treated me like a child...i thought because she was older but now I think its infantilization
Thank you for this video and for everyone's comments that make me feel less alone. When I was 22, a man broke into my home and slashed my throat. The abusive 'father' flew all the way to the hospital (while I was in ICU) and started screaming and raging about how I had cost him money, and he had to take time off work for the trip. He demanded to my boss that he be "compensated" for all of the trouble (still in ICU with a ventilator tube down my throat so I could not speak). BTW, he had insurance so he actually made a profit from the trip and my hospital stay. But the look of pure horror and disgust on the nurses' faces and my boss at 22 years old, convinced me to go no contact. I am now 43 and grateful that people like this community and channel exist. Go no contact - RUN - even if you have no money. Save yourself - because you are worth it.
My dad is like this. I got accident on the scooter but then not asking how I am instead blaming me fot the broken scooter.despite is not my fault getting in bad accident that because someone else's reckless behavior. My life is pure bad luck and shit since i was child basically because of him and his anger issues but then now i am.so broken he blamed me for all the incompetency in my life when he's the main factor of it. I am.so.sick but i can't get our trapped here.
This is probably what would've happened if I had invited my parents to the ICU when I almost died. They would've blamed me for what was not my fault as usual and stressed me out further even though I'm here dying in the ICU. All the nurses advised me to NOT let my parents know. Best advice ever.
I cried throughout, I have spent 32 years being the scapegoat child, 32 years of psychotherapy, it wasn't me whom needed .The new year I changed my behavior in a manner that protects myself , I was met with Agression, verbal threat.....thanks for the video, it reinforces my right to respect and boundaties
Oh my god...I never understood why I would sometimes get this really aggressive fixation on authority figures who abuse their power until I watched this...but this totally makes sense. Rebel here.
I was scapegoated growing up in a mixed family with 4 other kids. I went through a long and awful major depressive episode around age 13-15, and that really kicked things off because I'd have moments of rebellion that they'd use against me. Usually I'd just argue, try to run away, or cuss them out. Then one time my step mom slapped me in the face, and I became the scary unstable child because I punched her in reaction. That was probably the worst I ever lashed out, and I'm not sure hitting back harder is even an example of lashing out. It was never addressed that she hit me, or any of the other things they did to drive me up a wall, they just lied to psychiatrists about me being aggressive and out of control. I remember being blindsided in a psych appointment when my dad said he was worried I'd wake up at night and hurt myself or do something bad. I'd never done that, and I certainly didn't need to be prescribed Ambien at 14. Naturally I abused my meds, and was put into a drug program and adult NA meetings for an addiction I didn't start. As I got older and wasn't home as much, things got better, and I thought everything that had happened was my fault because of my mental health. I didn't realize that I had just learned to comply and make myself small, and I took those tactics I learned with them into places where my compliance hurt me. I've been free for about 4 years, and I still feel like anything I do or think is wrong, like I'm in the way of everyone, and I'm still unraveling all the lies they told me about myself.
What you describe is why I no longer engage with my family of origin except grey rock. If that doesn't work I just quietly leave the situation. I now have that power. Patrick, thank you for your terrific work and channel.
[Commenting for the benefit of minors/new 'Murican!™️ proletariats, unwillingly indefinitely dependents, stuck in these dynamics.] Careful with that. It'll subsume your actual personality if you're forced to employ that method most of, if not 24/7/365, the time. And have nearly it not actually zero outside world interaction with any other people on top of it (as we're shackled to digital garbage, with zero third spaces or community areas it's not "loitering" to be in without monetary transactions involved, anymore. For 20 years and counting. And nothing but fake toxic online personas to one-line with otherwise). I'm pretty sure persistent grey rock mode is the first step in developing all these sociopaths 'Murica!™️ produces (unlike anything else anymore lmao)...
the scapegoat as a distraction for other familial/systemic/adult relational issues is a point i’ve been trying to articulate about my own experience since i was a child. it felt yucky to say out loud for such a long time. but i now realize this is a generational abuse, trauma, and toxic coping skill that i am responsible for breaking. we either break the cycle or join it, and being reminded of this helps me stay the course. thanks for what you do, patrick!
I feel exactly the same way, glad to see there are others hell-bent on breaking that vicious cycle. We owe it to ourselves and our future families without a doubt. Having a loving partner who has helped me identify some of these behaviors so I can quash them has been absolutely key for me in my progress.
I’m a cycle breaker too! Had hoped my sisters might join me but that doesn’t not appear to be happening. I have to accept that and move on with my life and continue to heal.
@@dnk4559 Sending love, endless strength, and healing your way. I have been in that position. It’s heart-destroying to see your siblings continue the cycle. 🥺🤍
@@IBsamIAm1 I relate to everything you’ve said so much. My partner has been integral in addressing these things. I always thought that healing had to be done alone, but I have found great strength in allowing myself to be loved.
Scapegoat in a "looks good on paper" family...also a truth-teller. I just reached out the last time to be shunned. Again. Time to start valuing, cherishing, and investing in myself for the sake of needing love, not just to try to prove to them that I'm worth loving. Sending strength, love, and peace to you reading this.
I was the scapegoat and after years of therapy and medication for depression, I got the diagnosis for ADHD which was always obvious. I was always blamed for my "bad behaviour", always heard that "I was going to suffer a lot in the future", I was called lazy, not talented, dreamer, dumb. If I was a kid and come home with the knees hurt because I fell off somewhere, I was blamed because I was "too dumb"... I never could complete anything (like courses, university, changing jobs) and that was always noted and told everyone in the family that I could not do anything. The whole family was always saying how handsome my brother was, and how disorganised and clumsy I was. "She can't even have her hair done" and I was like 5... How can a 5 yo kid can have coordination to have a beautiful, organised hair with a bow on it?? Nowadays, with my treatment for ADHD, therapy I see that my whole life I believed in what people said about me and that was a mix of scapegoat and ADHD issues and I believed I had a "bad personality"... Now at 32, I am seeing the real me, happy and proud of how much I accomplished apart of all this issues. ps: sorry for my English :)
I came here looking for someone describing this experience because I believe this is exactly what I've lived through. ADHD makes families believe that you are an hinderance on their happiness, and you get to believing it too. I was diagnosed this year at 36. I have spent a lot of energy trying to prove myself and to bend myself to fit in with them, and golden child has spent a lifetime telling me that I was "wrong". He told me that my narcissistic mother would die of loneliness because I don't go to see her a lot, when he's the one who's moved to a whole other continent 7 years ago. I don't know what came over me but I sat them down individually and told them about my ADHD. My brother said that he thinks I have a mental illness rather than a cognitive disorder because I don't take care of myself. My mum just plain laughed. They never mentioned anything about ADHD ever again and never changed a bit. My advice is, if it's not too late, do not tell them anything. They don't get to know this about you
my sister at my narc mothers funeral, (i hadnt seen her in many years) thanked a list of people helping for the funeral plans and then stated (with a tone and a glare) "and thanks Ted for showing up". passive aggressive shame in front of the whole community. no one asked me if i would help with the funeral i didnt even know my mother died until right before the funeral with no time to even get work off. my mother had been dead for six days before i even knew she died. public shaming disquised as a compliment.......this is so toxic and endemic of the toxic family system
No CONTACT is the only way I ever found a to deal with this as 'once the scapegoat' always the scapegoat'. My raging covert narc mother even started to turn that mouth of hers onto my kids before I'd heard everything I ever needed to hear her say . Low contact , cutting them all off the Christmas list gave little relief . I was raised to believe EVERYTHING I did was wrong , I was responsible for my siblings' bad behaviour or the reason other people didn't like them , my parents' raging sh*t behaviour . And as you say any foolish trip back into that environment brings back ALL the scapegoating blame relatives have been storing up to dump for decades . Both my parents are dead now - a big relief - but because of these old engrained toxic beliefs my siblings are just too triggering and not worth the effort . Most people I've ever mentioned these family goings on to don't even believe families act like that . Thanks Patrick for keeping these things out in the open. These are some of the truly miserable features of the human race - the perpetrators know enough to try to hide this crap behaviour from others though .
Your kids pick up this behaviour and start treating you like your family did.Your kids never believe anything you try to tell them about your family feelings towards you. They trust them and not you. It seems to be a lifelong pain which you need help for. Patrick is awesome
@@euniceappling7912 I hope you have peace. I’ve had therapy many times over the years bc of them. I finally found peace. I wouldn’t want any of them as friends. That helped me. Hugs.
This is so totally like my childhood. I was blamed for everything I did or didn't do, there was no sense to make of it at the time. Was there really something so fundamentally wrong with me? Were my parents just evil? Leading nowhere. Much better: Which function did my role serve in the family system? When I was sad or tired, I "spoiled everybody's mood". When I was happily playing, I "didn't see the chores to be done" - or my mother's general misery. When I was doing the dishes or sweeping the floor, I was blamed for not putting on a happy enough face while doing it. I was blamed for my A grades - they could frustrate my little brother who was not doing so well in school. I was blamed for his problems also - "Why can't you help him learn to spell and write?". On the other hand, why could I not simply be like my brother? My father got these tantrums, where he hit us children and yelled around - I must have provoked him. When I got a chronic autoimmune disease, that was also my fault of course. And so on, and on, and on This sounds so unfair and I get so angry remembering. But was just my parents' distorted way to preserve their egos and keep the family system in kind of balance - NOT MY FAULT (When I reduced contact to practically "Grey Rock", suddenly my brother got all the blame - isn't it funny? Or sad, rather?)
Oh dear, Bonnie. Your family sounds like mine. I got straight As in school too, so much so that I was not just Honor Roll, and all that, including all set to graduate Valedictorian, but I actually got a letter stating that I was getting 2 academic scholarships to go to college. The school counselor brought me into her office to tell me the good news, and that she'd be sending a letter to my parents explaining everything. I BEGGED her not to send the letter. I told her "I don't know what my dad will do if he finds out." She laughed and said, oh come on, what parent wouldn't be thrilled to know their daughter is doing so well at school? (my parents didn't care to look at my report cards for years, so they had no idea what kind of grades I was getting). I told her mine, specifically, my dad. You don't know him. He's liable to do anything. She insisted that she had to send the letter. So when I got home, I BEGGED my mom to hide the letter from dad when it came. She was so proud of me, but she did promise that she'd never tell dad. Well, when the letter came, mom showed it to dad. I still remember him yelling my name and telling me get in here. I had no idea what I was in trouble for this time, but it never crossed my mind that mom would break her promise. I hadn't even known the letter had come yet. So I walk into the living room and there stands dad, shaking a letter at me. "Care to explain THIS?! Look at it. Explain it. I took the letter, and sure enough, it was a GLOWING report on my grades, attendance, everything... and the details about the scholarships. I was so so scared, and all I said, very quietly, was, it's just a letter saying that I have good grades and they want to help me pay for college. He said, you think you're smarter than your brothers, don't you? (They all had straight Fs and constant letters about fighting, ditching class, etc.) That was the furthest thing from my mind, and shocked me so much all I could think to say was, no, and mouth open in shock, I added, I was just trying to do my best (on any other given day, that's the answer we were supposed to give). Without ANY warning, he backhanded me so hard it knocked me down instantly, and my face swelled up right away. He said well I'll show you, you're NOT smarter than your brothers, girls are never as smart as men. He said when you get to school today, clean out your locker. You're done going to school. And that's exactly how I ended up being a high school drop out and no college education until after I turned 50 something. Instead of blaming my brothers for being Jack offs and getting straight Fs, he blamed ME for getting good grades, which in his twisted mind, cannot happen. No girl was ever going to be smarter than his precious sons. Ugh.
@@BeRightBack131 that is really gross! It's so sad they made you drop out school and bury away your talents. I hope you could find your inner rebel by now and reclaim your life. For me, I was at least supported with my college education, to look good on paper. (And my brother did ok in the end) But It took me decades (I'm 56 now) to see through the facade and not believing them any more.
the fact that the scapegoating transferred onto your brother from you is shitty, but also hit close to home! my sister and i have had conversations about how our roles as the scapegoat and golden child switched over time and somehow, i felt that that really revealed that scapegoating isn't about your character at all
@@BeRightBack131 Your story shocked me. What a pig-ignorant man your father was. I hope you had no more to do with him, he did not deserve you as a daughter. I hope you found validation and happiness in your life as an adult.
Your story about Jane and the dish is pretty much me! My dad once claimed he had money stashed somewhere hidden in the walls, and when he couldn't remember where it was he told everyone I must have taken it, despite not living in the house for over 20 years. I went no-contact with him after that for a year and half before he died. No regrets.
I'm a scapegoat rebel and can say unequivocally that a scapegoat's integrity disallows exacting revenge. We don't intentionally harm others even though they intentionally harm us. I just wanted to straighten that part out. You're right on with everything else. Learning not to react has been life changing for me. Thank you for these videos. Namaste 💜
Don't try to understand, love, help, or forgive abusers. Just get out!!! You don't need to be validated or get permission or explain or even say goodbye. Studies show unequivocally these families or groups DONT EVER CHANGE. Detach and run. Your first and only obligation is to survive. I did and it saved my life. Alanon helped immensely.
I got blamed for my cats death because i'd made a drawing of a skull a week prior. I was constantly told by my dad that he wouldn't have problems with my mom if it wasn't for me. My mom would blame me for getting sick even if it was stuff that was out of my control. It took many years to realize this wasn't normal. I still have a lot of healing to do but knowing that others went through similar experiences has helped me process my trauma alone as it helped me no longer feel so alone
WTF? I'm so sorry your parents were so psycho. Just awful. Sending a hug ❤ there's nothing wrong with you. I hope you know it even though you may not feel it.
Omg so relatable. I drew a drawing of a skull years ago and forgot about it in their house. I was literally moved out the house when this happened. My brother still living there had sleep paralysis. I get blamed for causing his sleep paralysis because I had left a skull drawing in the house. I also had her blame me for giving myself cancer when I was waiting on a biopsy on tumors in my breasts (ended up not being cancerous thankfully). She also blamed me for fights she had with my father. I believe in us! We can heal! Wishing us both self love and healing!
Can there be 2 female sibling scapegoats? We are in our 60’s. Every one else is dead. One seems compliant. The other, seems more aggressive, acts out. I always thought I was a mascot, i.e., “the baby.” But now that everyone’s dead, she blames me and my daughter now, for everything including not ever cleaning her home.
I was in a chaotic family system growing up. I was the scapegoat, which amounted to me shaming my own natural child-like wants, needs and reactions. I also became a rebel towards my parental figures, which bled into my early career. I remember realizing, when I was a teen, that despite finally talking back and defending myself, my parent had something very wrong with them. But at the same time, it was all I knew so I couldn't pinpoint WHAT made it wrong, I just knew it was.
same here. My younger brother listened to my mom's talk about me and reminded just last week of something I said wrong 23 years ago. Guess I've been his burden to bear too.
I ran away at age 6. Obviously I didn't get far. But at least the big fights stopped. It took me 25 years to realize that this was the smartest thing I did in my life.
I’m in the process of grieving the loss of a relationship with my family and also realizing it’s the best thing for me and moving on because trying to get them to see eye to eye with you is a waste of time and goes nowhere.
Oh, so so, absolutely true! For most of my 60 years, I've tried to do every little thing I can to receive acceptance or just even be noticed as significant. Time and time again my attempts go unnoticed. I feel like I'm dead around them already. Going no contact a year ago only shifted blame on to me as now they were the victims of my lack of expected behavior. "We are ready for her to return to the fold if she wants to, as long as she apologizes"... for what? For not showing up because no one invited me? I wasn't missed. Even my adult daughter will arrange a family dinner outing, then keep it from me. My adult son makes visits and I'm not told... "because I'm sensitive" , "because I make up that I'm not reached out to." They've been brainwashed by my parents to comply to that narrative of me. I'm gaslighted by them now too. They won't ever "get it" it's easier to point a finger and blame me instead of having my back. My parents have even established that I won't be in heaven with the rest of my family...
My parents were much older when they had me and there was also an adult brother in the home when I was a small child. I was constantly told by all of them that I was "in the way" or to "get out of the way". Instead of supervising me, my parents spanked me for opening cabinets or making messes. As an adult now, I view myself as a nuisance. I've even avoided medical care because I didn't want to bother my doctor. I'm working on it, but it's hard to stop this belief that I inconvenience everyone.
I'm really sorry you feel that way about yourself and it's a shame that you do . I think what you need to do is think about if somebody did the same thing to you would you consider it an inconvenience . So if your friend was going to call her doctor about the same thing would you feel she was being an inconvenience to him ? It's like they crushed your identity and you don't fully realize your own self worth . I'm really sorry your family did this to you . It makes me want to cry to think of someone being a small child being bullied by siblings and parents alike and experiencing that I guess as you got older . What is your relationship like with your family now do you still see some of them are you close to any of them ? Did the way they treated you change at some point where they started to be nicer to you or do they still treat you as an inconvenience ?
Your words about feeling like an inconvenience to the point of self neglect hit very close to home. I, too, would rather wait out the pain than bother other people about it. This is almost always reinforced by medical professionals when I finally visit them. "Well, if it was a real problem, you would have been here sooner, so go away".
Totally get this. My parents were the eldest siblings in their own families and then I had an older brother by 3-4 years. They were all strong minded & quite highly narcissistic and taller than me. Try standing up to that when you are the youngest child, sensitive, quiet & a girl. My opinions and preferences were always last on the list of priorities, rubbished, and belittled. Then they can’t understand why I didn’t enjoy being around them & I get labelled ungrateful. I have had problems taking self interested action my whole life as well.
As a toddler, my parents would give me water in an actual glass tumbler. It was too big/heavy for me to hold properly. When I inevitably dropped it, I'd get a spanking. After that happened several times, when I got scolded I'd stand up in my high chair and spank myself, shouting "Bad! Bad! Bad!" My parents thought it was hilarious.
One day I came home from school and was immediately confronted by my mother saying “You know, Lois, we didn’t think we’d be raising children at our age. We thought we’d be retired and able to enjoy ourselves!!”. I was one of four children but I alone was selected for this message. I was most definitely the family scapegoat.
My older brother talking to my mom about his second child who's on the way, and how he fears it could be difficult to love the second born as much as he loves the first, and mom agreeing that it's a struggle. I just said "yeah, the second one is always defective anyway"
I’m definitely a mixture of compliant and rebellious. Depends on my environment and how threatened I feel. There’s definitely a fight or flight element to living with abuse for so long.
Learning to accept that my behavior as a teenager was an entirely appropriate response to a very dysfunctional environment. I was the more compliant scapegoat, but eventually my mental health started to deteriorate severely, which distracted everyone from the fact that my mom had some narcissistic traits and was busy trying to recapture her teenage years after she divorced my dad. There was lots of alienating me from my dad. I talked with him recently and learned that she never even told him anything that was going on with me. Very interesting, and I’ve had a lot of guilt and shame around how I acted out, but finally trying to accept it 🙂
Keep up the great work Sade. You're amazing and never let yourself be told other wise, it's just vampires trying to get to you, and that will never happen if you're ruthlessly truthful with yourself. Gotta stay true, even when you're crazy mad kkkkk.
This resonated with me and I’m crying because admitting these things makes it real and I’ve been running from this my whole life. This video gave me hives.
I was the family scapegoat my entire life. I was blamed for the smallest of things, things I did by mistake constantly used against me and guilted by the nice things my siblings did
At 50 actively in chemo-therapy w/aggressive cancer, niece, both sisters accused me of trying to "steal" my nieces 6 kids. I had zero hair, nails, holes in my nose, mouth, my dad went along with it. Could not work for 1 year/5 months of cancer treatment. I was treated like garbage for the next 8 years. Asked to clean toilets w/invited to "family" events. At 58 went no contact, very difficult but I am thriving now, completely out of the narcissistic system. No longer their ATM, fixer when their kid is arrested, They are sick, always have been.
I just recently cut my mother off. My stepfather (who raised me since I was a baby) just called me last night and started calling me names including calling me A SLUT! I am a 30 year old woman who's been with my husband for 10 years. My family is sick. I am so glad to be completely cutting them off.
I was called "the Liar" - because when I was a teenager I did lie a handful of times to survive. Otherwise that is totally out of character for me and did not follow me in my life past a couple years in my teens. But "the liar" label was fostered to "friends", relatives , anyone willing to listen from my mother. Who I always tried to protect. After YEARS of abuse she wanted me to take care of her. Funny - my aunt let me know terrible things my sister said about me and I told my aunt when I left home my sister was only nine years old and she literally can't know anything about me ! B.S. had to come from my mother. Terrible family ...
Ha ha, I know that story. I was about 2 years old when I was crawling up the stairs one day. Typical of babies/toddlers, when I got up the stairs I told my mom, "there's a REALLY BIG spider 🕷 on the stairs, and spread my hands apart about 3 inches. It's so SCARY!" I told my mom. My mom asked me to show her. It took me a bit to find it because in reality, it was just a smallish spider, but my toddler mind exaggerated it. My mom thought it was adorable how excited and scared I was about the spider, and some years later, my brother who is 2 years younger than me (meaning he was either a newborn or very young infant when it happened, therefore, not personally a witness to what I said) overhead my mom telling someone else about the "cute thing she did when she was 2." Well, years later, as ADULTS, he started telling others that I'm a liar. Have always been a liar. I confronted him and asked, "how so? Name ONE thing that makes you say that. Guess what he brought up? Yeah, the spider story when I was a toddler. I kid you not. To this day, he still says I've been a liar since I was 2. That's the ONLY incident he ever uses to prove his point. Smh. Wow.
I was called a liar by my mom when trying to get therapy at 14. At first I was refused therapy by my parents and they told me social services are bad. My mom asked ”Which lies are you going to tell them about our family?”, but I was just looking for help
The toughest (but most helpful) realization for me as the scapegoat was that my family of origin dynamic will not change, they are not a source of support or validation, and they are incapable of seeing the truth of the toxic family dynamic. In my family of origin, they will continue to protect the abusive parent / perpetrator. I tried to scream the truth from the rooftops for years...and no one in the family was capable of listening. So grateful that I have a family of CHOICE today with friends and fellowships who see me as I truly am, who celebrate truth, and who focus on healing. So glad I chose to jump off the toxic family Titanic into a life of recovery! I choose to not be a victim of family of origin abuse today!! 💕
We are two family scapegoats that married in later life. We've done a lot of work to understand what happened to us. We can see some of these behaviours you describe in each other and ourselves. We cut off all ties with narc father's, co dependent mother's who were enablers and our younger sisters - both the Golden child. We have a great relationship even though it has meant severing ties with all family members many of which were turned into flying monkeys or that type that won't take sides or refuses to believe the harm (even physical) that was done to you. We are better off without them but these Narcs leave a legacy that lives long after they are dead.
Thank you for breaking this down to view it all in different parts. I was the scapegoat, I still am, but I'm not listening anymore. Your videos have been life saving. Thank you so much your videos helped me see the truth.
I was always held as the family scapegoat as a child, teenager, and young adult (especially in my older brother’s eyes). As an older adult, I don’t allow anyone to blame me for anything, even as a joke. I no longer allow people to use me as an excuse to keep from taking responsibility for their own crap.
Damn thank you for the video. I’m definitely a mixture of rebel and compliant. Problem is I don’t know what a healthy middle reaction looks like. And I feel like I might be overly compliant or rebellious inappropriately depending on the situations, but never on the healthy medium, which I have no idea what it looks like.
I told my family that they can’t use me as the scapegoat anymore. I told them they can’t mention any issue I have without first mentioning as issue they have. I was severely, mentally abused by my mom. She was sexually assaulted by several family members and never got any therapy or help for it. No wonder why she keeps asking me if someone “touched” me. The more I learn about the behavior, the more I expect it and don’t take it personally. I’m still battling with opiod addiction but about to go to treatment then talk to a psychotherapist that specializes in narcissistic abuse. This will be a long, hard journey but soooo worth it. My entire family still supports her and says I should be grateful. I’m no longer listening to them. When I get out of treatment I’m moving to Bali. My disability from the army, will allow me to live an amazing life there…but most importantly, heal without their interference
holy crap I have all of those esymptoms, my parents were nutcases and my family followed in their footsteps, I've decided to go no contact and save my mental health and try to undo this
I really appreciate you making this video. The family scapegoat ended up being not only myself but my husband. My parents blamed him for everything that “went wrong” with me. Of course they also blamed me for certain things. I hadn’t thought of this concept before and it is very validating, especially the part where you mentioned things could potentially pick up right where they left off. That’s exactly my fear. Thank you for all the good content you put out into the world!
Wow my child was also the scapegoat just like me. My mother always has something negative to say about my child😔. She criticize how he walk, talk, socializes you name it. I need to be financially secure so I can go no contact and divorce my ignoring abusive husband.
That’s so great you recognize this. I was my family scapegoat and my husbands family made me into one. The scapegoats got a chance to ge on top finally and I was it. He sees it now, but many golden spouses do not.
Wow... I never even considered that I was/am an emotional scapegoat for my family. I was super compliant for years and have just recently hopped to the rebel side
@@karenmossbryan7932 Yep but now we see it! All this quiet abuse is so damaging and I'm so glad we have someone like Patrick to sort through the trickiness with us :)
I recently had to get an xray on a broken foot and the doctor told me "youve obviously had broken toes and several ankle injuries" and I had this emotional flashback of complaining of sore feet and ankles and being told "oh, whats wrong with you now? why dont you shut up and stop being so attention seeking" by the narcissitic alcoholic mother. I felt vindicated and deep, deep sorrow that I was treated like this as a child. I was silent and in pain. I was 8.
Gosh, this is so relatable. It's crazy how long it can take to see the full picture. And finally understand, my feelings and perceptions were valid and right all the time - I was just gaslit. It's so painful and intense to basically rewire your entire way of living and starting to trust yourself again... wow. Had to leave all my family behind (since everyone is a flying monkey to my narcissistic mother) in order to start reparenting myself. Sending everyone who is going through this much energy
My grandfather straight up told me I caused my mother's early onset Alzheimer's by not cleaning my room and having bad grades as a kid. There was also stuff that I only now see as utterly ridiculous. The messy room and bad grades (I was diagnosed with pretty severe ADHD and dyslexia at 38, btw...) also, supposedly, caused my mother's depression, general unhappiness and exhaustion and failure to form friendships and romantic relationships. So yeah, I'm the absolute worst. Edit: my self harm was also, obviously, only meant to torture my saint of a mother.
I was a 43 year old adult when my angry dad called accusing me of moving or taking something in their home. I live two states away. This has happened all my life. 🙄
My mom does that too. I’m 40. She accused me of taking some old prom dresses of my younger sister out of her closet. I don’t want 20 year old prom dresses and I hardly come to your house. She then told my sister I took them.
I'm 5 minutes in and every phrase you mentioned were things my mom told me. I'm 25 and I've almost forgotten all the dumb evil things my mom said but I totally see how it still effects me in my adult life, and where to make corrections. Thank you so much. Your videos hit the nail on the head every time.
It can and will affect you ( your sense of self worth, especially) for decades, if not addressed ASAP. I'm in my fifties, and just coming to terms with being the family Scapegoat. I wished I addressed this stuff in my late teens or early twenties.
Thank you. I had no idea this went into adulthood. I was mobbed and it included violence. I was so shocked that I went No Contact with them all. From my research I found out that this was never going to change. I'm doing better now but it has taken time. I was still in shock for about 2 years after the mobbing.
Thank you for these insights. I am over 60 and I used to feel like I always deserved to be treated like garbage by anyone. I grew up as a scapegoat in a family of abusive alcoholics with big mental problems. Until the last couple of years I didn't get why everyone is bullying me and why I am to blame when I don't do something bad! Now I get the bigger picture. I believed that I deserved the bullying and other bad treatment. 🍀
Makes sense. The oldest aunt constantly told my mother how evil I was and how I deserved being sexually abused. Of course, it was by their father and they also were abused. It was "the duty" of the oldest child of each generation to take the punishment and protect the others, which of course she couldn't do because my grandfather was a sexual predator through and through. When I wasn't complying with that vision, I was the one who deserved the abuse because I was asking for it as a 7 year old. Yeah, my family is quite special. Thanks for shedding some light!
When my husband’s father was dying we flew to see him when we could and while stuck in a plane for four hours on the tarmack- waiting to depart… he died at the hospital and my husband didn’t get to say good bye: his family blamed me and him for not getting in sooner. Like my husband would have saved him.
When my mother remarried while I was in high school, practically my entire family started downright HATING me for my mere existence. And that was just to top off the years of bullying at school and emotional neglect. I ruined the perfect family picture in their eyes and they wanted me gone, but couldn't legally do it, so until they moved away my whole life was just accusations, verbal attacks and remarks how I am "useless" and "a nuisance". I had no help from anyone. From the triggers you mentioned, all of them ticked for me. Wow I am in a bad place right now. I guess my therapy will take longer than I thought...
Be patient with yourself, it takes time but it is worth the effort. You will come out the other side realizing what a miracle you are to survive this abuse.
You will get healed Hun. Keep doing the work in therapy as it’s helping you to recognise where you could make a wrong decision. By learning the triggers and issues around this subject, you will avoid meeting people as friends or partners who may abuse you in the future. I had therapy, but I realised I qualified in a career and culture that supported the same family dynamics. I’m retraining but I spent decades tolerating the behaviours from managers who treat me as my mother did. I’m now coming to terms with this and at times I feel I’ve wasted my life on a role that kept me back from developing as a person. I can’t change the past....but I’m changing my future! Never again will I tolerate this cr@p. You will come through this better than you were before. Xx
I had a Narcissistic father, a bully brother and a mother who did not protect me, who blamed me for “annoying” my brother. They are saying I am the Narcissist, I am the ungrateful, insensitive, entitled, selfish abuser and I don’t know what to believe anymore. There really make me doubt myself and question everything. It’s easier to accept the blame and keep the peace than fight a gang that gangs up on you.
This was great again Patrick. I have a question about the scapegoat…growing up in a very strict, fundamentalist Christian home, my parents and church always used Satan as their scapegoat. He was to blame for all the evil in the world, or for influencing good people to make bad decisions, etc. Can you do a video sometime about religious trauma syndrome with a tricky family that looks good on paper?
I third this except instead of the devil it was god's sovereignty. Like if something bad happened it was because it was part of gods plan and on the flip side they couldn't be responsible for anything in their lives they'd just pray because they always needed god to do everything for them. I learned to believe that god was causing all the bad stuff in my life which caused me to do all sorts of crazy things, fasting to annorexia, getting rid of almost everything I owned and all sorts of ridiculous life changing decisions because I actually believed god wanted me to do that, that's it was a test. I can only see in hindsight these things were crazy. Religious trauma is horrible
Ugh... I'm sorry you had that. I grew up really legalistic, so yes, religious trauma on top of childhood trauma sucks - and I didn't have childhood trauma as bad as a lot of the people here, but the religious stuff effed me up big time as a kid by exacerbating the effects of what I went through.
I was a Rebel and therefore branded 'crazy' but I had some level of confidence. Later in adult life, I become more of a Compliant and that was so much worse. I am currently trying to break away from it all.
O my....in my 50’s too. This happened all the time to me. I left the insanity 2 years ago, they called on valentines, and they got it good! I am so free! Thank you Jesus, bless you friend for all you do!
I found out my sister treats me like the scapegoat yesterday… I am 25. All of a sudden, it makes sense why I’m so anxious and insecure, and seek validation (often hers) before making decisions.
I would be so interested to see a video on how being a Golden Child affects people as adults. How many of them recover or even realize what their role was? They seem like they'd be the least likely to recognize a problem or deal with it directly.
As an ex golden child, current scapegoat I can tell you I was quite aware of the power dynamic & felt the weight of the expectation of saving the whole damn crazy train. And it stung badly when I disappointed.
I was the most consistent family scapegoat. But as I went to college and developed more distance and independence, my narcissist father just went right down the line scapegoating my siblings. I was still often the primary scapegoat, but it was interesting how it changed over time and was also motivated by his misogyny.
I had/ have a layered response. My internal drive keeps notes of discrepancies while my external response complies and if pushed I communicate my hesitance. The goal is to work while creating/looking for exit strategies from the situation as I did with my family. I see this in myself everywhere - I never engage with anything without first computing an exit strategy, rooms, jobs, people, conversations…etc And I agree, I was labeled as selfish for asking for things like going to the hospital when I was sick. I started using public transportation at around 5 to take myself to Doctor’s/dentist appointments, to school, to buy myself clothes/school uniform. I got good and then they “false positive” reinforced the “she’s a very independent child”. I now have just started to repair my relationship with self responsibility because I had an invisible resentment to self-care. I’d always been forced to take care of myself.
Dear one that is hard and I know how you feel as I was able to do alot of things that a 5 year old should not be doing such as being a caregiver to my younger sister, attending to her asthma attacks, going shopping, making serious family decisions when my parents where at work. All under the umbrella of an extremely independent child title which I wore like a crown. My mother to this days tells me I was also an independent baby.... And that I didn't need much care like my sister did. Being a mom today I can't imagine how that is even possible as babies at least mine is always looking to me for care, hugs , and love. My family was toxic and it is hard to see through the fog as there were many happy moments as well and photos of my childhood which bring joy for me. It is hard to work through this stuff. Glad you shared here. Much love ❣️
This is so good! You really do a great job of breaking these type of things down to a new level of understanding. Being a scapegoat is like being in a parallel universe. 😒
I was always the black sheep. Could do nothing right. Blamed for my mother's moods and why the household was chaotic. I was also told in my 20s that she didn't want to have me. My father wanted a girl. She was happy with her boys. Luckily my brothers were not a part of the toxic environment and I had them to rely on. I'm 52 now with lots to sort out. Thank you for these videos.
Thanks to this video and all the wonderful comments, I finally had The bravery after 60 years to break contact with my abusive sister, and I think I can be happy now! Your channel and the people who follow you helped me change my life for the better! Thanks to you all!
Thank you, sir for this video and all its validation. No mistake: scapegoating children is torturing that child. Still in recovery, but getting stronger everyday.
I think me and my two siblings fulfilled the scapegoat roles but I think they got it worse. At the same time I was the golden child. My parents would blame us for being kids or things completely out of our control. Or we would get attacked for not doing what they wanted. For example, if my mom or dad accidentally broke something or spilled something they would blame one of us for distracting them or their thoughts (we literally did nothing but be there). The best was when my dad was several meters ahead of us and slipped on ice and blamed my brother because he turned around to look at him (false). They could just never accept things could happen and it's not embarrassing. We would get blamed for being sick or not fixing someone else's problem etc. It really messes with the head.
This hits home for me. I've been going to therapy for almost 5 years now, working on myself. Finally started going over my childhood. Then Covid happened and our housing market went from affordable, to absolutely not (in rural Idaho) so I had to move back in with my Parents with my husband. I am the scapegoat. I lived on my own for 8 years, having to move back is the worst. I have to face my trauma almost every day.
Oh my gosh, that's the WORST. I FLED when I was 18 and just bloomed. Finally felt like ME. But would go home once a year to visit and it was HELL. Get with hubby and make an exit plan. Today. There's a way, I promise you. Good luck. 👍🌹
Mom constantly projected her failures, and the failures of her pet children, onto my brother and me, respectively. Very frequently we faced her rage after school, we'd hear her tearing us apart to other people, construing our efforts to spend time and relate with her out of context. I was a mixture of the rebellious and compliant child, and both of us scapegoats confronted her as possible. She marched me into psychological counseling with her and Dad, and she was told she needed counseling. Naturally, the visits to the psychologist ended. She's been dead for well over a year now, and we're still dealing with the aftermath of her ad hoc privations, her flying monkeys' efforts to protect her from a reputation everyone already knows.
I just very recently started seeing some real progress in unbecoming the scapegoat. In a way I didn't think would happen. I am simply not trying to fix anything or anyone, whilst redefining what guilt and shame actually is. I have stepped away and am watching everyone else suffer their consequences. I am now consistently, successfully living authentically.
This was very helpful. I recently got a scapegoated kid's nightmare/dream come true. I got to read my mom's journal of a very turbulent time in our history... and find out everything I thought she felt about me was how she really was feeling. Other adults minimized my perception or outright accused me of hysteria. I was right though.
It is seen unnatural to hate a parent by other people that are normal however when someone is hateful towards you is it not human to hate them back ? And why is the child supposed to be the bigger person when the adult who is responsible is given the pass? It took a long time for me to realize it's perfectly okay to hate someone who's doing hateful things to you that's normal and you're not a monster for having a normal human reaction to some effed-up s***
Finally, after years of therapy and still continuing to suffer from horrible C-PTSD, you nailed it! I can't thank you enough for sharing your work Patrick! You have helped me so much ❤
I overheard my mother tell my father that she liked my sister more than me because I always complained about everything. This was because I had stated the day before that she shouldn't have beat on my sister with a clothes hanger.
The family scapegoat is usually the truth teller. It’s usually the child who sees through the toxic parents’ bullshit and often points it out. I was that child.
Yes. 200% agree. I too understand. I'm still the truth teller. I just keep saying it on here with my initials and with adjusted names on social media. I refuse to be silent.
@@ED-ie3et yes!
Not always. Because scapegoat dont know that wats going on is wrong
Same
@@sirenarin7927 There is usually a reason why certain children are selected as the scapegoat though, and in my opinion that is usually because the child is not 100% conforming to the toxic parents’ will. The toxic parents sense that they can’t control this child and they know that the kid isn’t like them, and so they instigate the scapegoat tactic in an effort to bully and regain control. So yeah, the scapegoat child might not know how to verbalize or point out the toxic behavior, but their defiance may come out in other, more subtle ways that the parent notices. Narcissistic parents do not tolerate any kind of dissent. The scapegoat tactic is used to punish and keep control. It’s also a way to deflect blame from themselves.
I was the scapegoat. Abusive siblings. Narcissistic mother. I cut every toxic family member off this past December
Same. I cut them of in July. I never want to see them again.
Congratulations to you for doing one of the hardest things in your life. I cut all of mine out as well, and am just finally getting over the grief and mourning. Of course the responsibility always falls on us.
I did too, it's hard but necessary for healing.
I'm still waiting for my way out
Good on you, I'm starting this now. I wish I could get rid of the guilt and gas lighting I'm getting from others.
I’m consistently amazed by human behavior being so utterly predictable that a complete stranger can describe my experience…
same. and here Ive spent 20 years agonizing over feeling misunderstood and this man is able to some it up in a video 😅😭
TRUTH
That’s because psychologists for years have studied dysfunctional patterns in families and they’re pretty much the same with every family except who gets each role
Wow truth put out so beautifully ...
Yes! Whenever I watch a video or read a book about narcissistic family dynamics I am just blown away by how unoriginal my mother is in her abusive behaviour! A cookie cutter covert narcissist. What a waste of a life that could have been spent resolving her own issues and spreading love and joy instead of misery and discord. I am not like her and will not be like her! Life is a gift and I intend to do everything I can to be the best version of myself.
The scapegoat carries the aura of unworthiness everywhere. My brother ensured that my cousins knew it was ok to persecute me whenever they visited. My suffering was the family's shared entertainment. Even when I wasn't with my toxic family I was ostracised and bullied at school. I was always surprised when someone was kind to me or wanted to spend time with me. I was so deprived of affection that I once started crying when my aunt spontaneously kissed me on the head after she had washed my hair. I was so overwhelmed by that - her expression of warmth towards me. I remember crying myself to sleep nearly every night because I didn't know why everyone hated me so much. I'm so glad I got out and don't have kids myself. Childhood was hell.
I understand, my friend. I'm 60 now and never had kids because I was terrified I would be a mother like my own. I felt I never really fitted in my whole life. I feel you, I truly do. All the very best to you and yours. 💜🌻✌️
@@toni-leeblair5869 thank you for your kind words. I always felt like I didn't belong, but now that I'm out of that prison I'm so grateful for seeing the truth of my family dysfunction. I'm glad I'm not like them! But it breaks my heart to see my siblings kids being exposed to the same nastiness by their emotionally stunted parents. And my parents are also adding to the next generation of trauma, crushing the natural sweetness of their grandchildren by playing favourites with the Golden Grandchildren (moulded to be tough and unempathetic) and being indifferent and disdainful to the gentler kids. I'm waiting for those little scapegoats with open arms and therapy when they are old enough to get out themselves. I know what they are going through like nobody else.
So sorry to hear you went through that. I can relate. I was trained to believe I'm less than and don't deserve good things, I'm the one expected to the do the grunt work and keep everything together while the rest of the family treats me like crap and does whatever they won't. It's just vile. It's so strange when someone is actually nice. It's like you don't know what to do with it, I have an automatic reject it response. I expect to be treated like shit. Sad. Such weak people to use another person like they do with targeted family member.
I know it’s been 6 months since you wrote this comment but I relate to you word for word. I cry when someone is nice to me because it’s so rare in my life. I just assume new people won’t like me because if my own family didn’t then why would anyone else. Anyway I hope you’re healing well, sending you love x
@@kira_kira thank you for your kind wishes! I am doing well. The biggest breakthrough I had was separating my healing journey from them seeing the light. For so long I wasted time wanting them to 'get it', recognise their appalling behaviour and apologise. But once I realised that was never going to happen, and essentially gave up hope of having a normal relationship with them, I was able to start moving on with my life and really begin healing. I went no contact and focused on reparenting myself. It's hard work but I have never felt so positive about the future. The problem is not us. The problem is that the families we were raised in were moulded by countless generations of dysfunction and they don't have the guts to face up to it or work on fixing it. I realise now that I am finally out of the dysfunctional family system that I am the strongest and also most empathetic member of the family, despite them always trying to cast me as the one with problems. I guess I always had those qualities and maybe that marked me out as someone who needed to be brought into line. Who knows. All I know now is that their narrative about me has absolutely zero influence on my self-image or future happiness. I hope the same thing happens for you! X
Being the family scapegoat actually taught me to be resilient and to choose my friends and "family" wisely. I was the only child of 6 to go to college and live abroad. I've also been able to make career moves easily. And I now avoid my family as much as possible because they gossip about me in order to feel good about their miserable lives (I know this from reading the room whenever I do have to see family).... Scapegoats, we are better than our toxic families made us to be/feel.
Survive in a way that allows you to thrive.
I learned to see a lot, but chose poorly so many times with other people! I'm learning that I do not have to fix things for every distressed, hapless person I come across, a hangover of feeling guilty over all I didn't fix then! No contact is the only way to deal with the extreme toxicity and it seems a great sign that behavior I recall, or see now, often seems laughably inept and silly. But it has been a long long road and that does make me angry. It really was somebody else's fault all along.
Wow! great Success! Like me- Go NO Contact!&&& get Joy!
Oddly similar to my situation. Scapegoated amongst the 5 kids. Studied in China, learned Mandarin, and broke away from the toxicity, but as soon as I came back it was: you're an evil brother for not writing your older sister's personal statement for her! 😷😷😷
Fact: you never have to see any family member
You are spot on. I went no contact for over 20 years. When I eventually resumed selective contact, my siblings reverted back to type and treated me like garbage without skipping a beat. This sickness never ends. Get out and stay out. These parasites live to destroy what is healthy and normal.
Oh Susan, you stated it so perfectly: "these parasites live to destroy what's healthy and normal." Omg, my family to a T! I've gone 100% no contact for about 3 or 4 years now. I actually don't even miss them, so no danger of recidivism. 😉
Congrats Susan, i dream on doing that 24/7. When i'm happy they say things like: what happened? why wasn't i a part of it? aren't you happy near me? Ewww. they are vampires.
Yep! A narcissist will always need a scapegoat to treat like crap. I am no contact with my entire toxic family. There's no safety in a narcissistic family.
Agreed.
@@lpzimmn Yes Vampires, blood sucking, energy draining monsters!!! The cruelty and lack of compassion from parents and siblings is still astounding to me and I've been no contact for nearly a decade.
What l don't feel like though is wounded or not good enough, it's fantastic to be free of them!! 😊👍
"Pick up right where they left off with you." OMG!!! I left my home over 40 years ago, but whenever I'm in their company, they are talking to me as if it's still 1981!!
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I thought it was me.
Unfortunately this won’t change as these people have no self awareness
@@patriciagriffin1505 True. I have decided that I no longer need to be involved with that type of treatment and behavior towards me. So, I removed myself. And, now, a year later, I am really having a good life.🙌🏽
Yes! And they even give my kids baby toys, when my kids are teens and young adults.
The scapegoat doesn't get to have a childhood. It's exhausting to be responsible for everything that goes wrong including someone else's "bad" feelings. I really don't know how I survived
joy comes in the morning
I’m glad you did survive! ❤
Im glad you survived Joy. I really like your name :) I hope you have lots of that now 💛
I hear you!🫶🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽✔️
You survived cos you are to tough and you cannot be beaten.
Bless you.
I am just beginning to accept that I was my mother's scapegoat. I was hated and required to suppress my needs for the well-being of the rest of the family. Mom passed away three years ago, and I am beginning to process her abuse. My closest friends recently told me that they noticed a huge difference between the way she treated my siblings and the way she treated me.
Oh my god same here! I'm almost more angry at her now, because she still has a hold over me negatively, in all the toxic partners I let walk all over me. I know why now, but I don't know how to stop.
I had to chwck to make sure I didn't write this.
I would recommend the book by Jeanette mccredy
"required to suppress my needs for the well-being of the rest of the family"
I can identify. I felt the same way. I was to take a seat at the back of the bus that the narcissist (Dad) drove.
@@SassySlaterdo you have the name of the book
I'm 73, just went through what "Jane" went through, recently.
My (favored golden child) sister just went into a nursing home, Parkinson's.
She has two best friends taking care of her and her estate.
Being the dutiful kid brother, I offered my help. I did the heavy lifting, processed the highly technical stuff, because, I was the only adult male there that could handle it, figure it out. I gave it my all, with pure intention
I left with what was bequeathed to me. It filled my full sized van.
Sister's best friends do not know me, haven't spent time with me, and do not know me as an adult or what I have accomplished.
I was attacked by one friend, insulted as stupid, lazy, selfish, uncaring, other guilt trips
These were descriptions of me when I was a child, an ADHD child, confused, clueless. They could only have gotten these adjectives from my sister... who obviously only remembers that ADHD child.
I got triggered, big time. I drove the van back to her place, emptied it into the garage, and have gone no-contact. All the contents of my sister's house can go in the dumpster. All that family memorabilia, the treasures of my sister's world travels, even the cremated remains of father, mother, uncles. I want nothing to do with it all.
The guilt trips began, all of which are now being deleted without reading, immediately.
I am processing the emotions, which is very difficult, but to get to the other side, I have to plow through the middle.... wish me luck.
I am seeking counseling.
You did the only thing you could do. There were no other sane options. I completely understand where you're at right now. Good luck!
❤
I definitely do wish you good luck. Nobody can live always being told that they are wrong.
I want to hug you and tell you you are a beautiful caring living soul. You wanted things to be what they never ever will. Accept it won't. Grieve your loss. I am in this too.
Good for you for seeking counseling. Your sister and her friends are horrific.
This hit home. It's been really hard to function in life because it feels like existing is asking too much from the world and the people around me. Like I owe them for allowing me to eat and breathe and be in their presence. What makes it weirder is that it feels like everyone else on earth is entitled to things like that but I'm the only exception.
Im so deeply sorry you were treated that way. There is absolutely nothing nothing nothing ok about that.
I can relate to what you're saying here, it sounds very much like how i would describe how ive felt much of my life. Please keep doing whatever healing work you're doing because its beyond worth it to feel free and beloved in your own skin when the work starts to take hold.
You are an amazing, glorious, cherished and perfect being, unrepeatable and with beauty to share with the world, if you feel like it. 💙💙💙
I'm sorry you feel this way. I have felt like this my whole life as well. I'm still battling with it somewhat. It's so hard to reprogram your mind to what you were taught as a child.
I really relate to this awful feeling.
Yeah. As if other people are allowed to make mistakes or be a little late or rude, but if you do it you feel like a 'bad' person.
Sofia, I completely relate and intimately understand your comment. Sad that it takes a lifetime to figure it out, for me anyway. And once I logically figured it out, those ingrained (taught) emotional core beliefs r lurking in the recesses of my psyche. Victim blaming is a lifelong projection. Hell, even I blame myself most times. Course that's all part of the mindf**k isn't it?
I am the scapegoat in my toxic family system. I always felt like everything was my fault and I had to sacrifice myself to fix it. I was the emotional punching bag for my family to beat down. I was literally told I had to earn my place in the family. I finally went no contact with my entire narcissistic family. I realized once you have been a scapegoat you will always be the scapegoat. Narcissists don't change.
Very true. They like to keep you in that position. They love the power to abuse you. They think they have that right because of the Parents approval, and Joy when the blame is taken off of them.
💕
You're labeled as the helper/ supporter but hard to get it
I've described myself as the human toilet. I took everyone's shit.
@@exquisitebiscuit I always said schitt flows down hill...& I was the recipient of that pecking order.
Still think this is one of the most important RUclips channels. I hope a lot of teenagers stumble across this place.
Me too. I had no teenage years. I moved out at 19. I felt so suffocated. I grew up and had my "teenage" years then. I grew up over 100 miles away from them. I had to cone back as I got into a relationship with a really toxic person. It was awful that I had to come back. The lies and the gossip were flying. My big mouth mother ruined a few good friendships due to her exaggerated lies... grrrr
I became grateful for having been the primary scapegoat when I realized it had put me so far outside the dysfunctional system that I had almost nothing to lose by leaving altogether.
you worded this so well. omg that’s my exact experience
I was constantly blamed for being "weird" :) Every argument I had was of course my fault. So, I grew up with a belief that I am a weird person. You can imagine how much impact it has on my life :)
I was always told " u just like to argue"🙄
Same. I was difficult, weird, or argumentative, depending on the day. My self-talk is incredibly negative
Same here! They told me I was weird and crazy my whole life. When I met strangers, it was actually so refreshing because they’d treat me like a normal human being and actually said I was the most normal of the family. But my family made sure I never knew this and would constantly belittle and nitpick my every move to make me feel like I was doing something wrong, weird, stupid, crazy, etc. usually they called me weird and crazy. They even went as far as to recruit everyone in my school as their flying monkeys, even my closest friends. It was indeed traumatizing and I ended up getting expelled from that school, which go figure right?It makes sense cus I am the scapegoat and even if the other students were doing 10x worse things than me, ofc I’m the one with the most severe punishment. It seems like the role of scapegoat followed me everywhere I went. I literally could not trust anyone. I still feel this way and I am still healing and trying to find a way to leave my family. It’s hard to heal in the environment that broke you, as you may know. I’m taking things day by day. Sorry for ranting, had to get that off my chest.
i'm sorry. i had that happen to me also
"Weird" "stupid" and "useless" were common insults towards me. I was also called a crybaby for ever being even the tiniest bit upset about anything.
“Because we’re all dead inside” 🤣 you are hilariously refreshing.
Yes! I love Patrick’s sense of humor. It’s so validating to laugh about our ridiculous family behaviors from a distance.
EXACTLY!!
Yes! I laughed at that too. But it is so true, and sad.
Lmfao it was so funny and dry
Too true
I was the family scapegoat and was always called "negative" for being upset about things like my parents drunk driving with kids in the car, throwing a plate at me because my parent didn't like the way I said, "yes" when they asked me if I had dinner yet, or similar situations where the parent was clearly in the wrong but refused to take responsibility for their actions and instead created a reality for themselves where I was somehow to blame. I went no contact last year and have had a difficult time processing the abuse over the last year, but I'm free from the constant nastiness that was hurled at me for so long and I feel like I'm breathing fresh air for the first time! Thanks for your insightful videos, they've really helped me and others who I've recommended them to.
I can very much relate to this!
So, so sorry you went through this. Wish you peace, love, and healing ❤️
I’ve had my mother say that she feels bad for nothing and has nothing to apologize for. Also, “all mothers/parents do this”
Jeez, this sounded very familiar to what happened to me at a holiday visit with my family a few years ago. Situation is sooooo similar. Sorry you went through that. ❤❤❤
Ahhh yes the "you answered in a tone" when all you did is say yes. Like WTF , everything we did, said, thought was wrong or some offense against them. EVERYTHING I did was wrong, EVERYTHING. Even though I did it correctly, was a straight a student, great kid, pleasant, quiet, well mannered, smart, but still I was always wrong and never good enough. People don't understand how much we had to think and react before we opened our mouths just to try to avoid the abuse, only to still be wrong and still get abused. At 42 I still am trying to trust my gut and figure out my voice.
being shamed and punished for being ill and needing urgent care…i still hold a lot of anger about the hostility i received when i needed care and compassion. lots of bells going off listening to this video. that’s soooo me.
I went deaf due to an untreated ear infection. This was my fault apparently. Had a broken wrist for 6 weeks, how dare I complain and cost a $20 copay for emergency services? To this day, I don’t go to the doctor and apologize for being ill
Everyone including people in the mental health field treated me like dirt. It mostly began when I had the first of two severe eye injuries. The first was from medical malpractice. The second from an assault where my eye was smashed with two large brass knuckles. I lost most of the eye and am blind. My family upped the abuse and made me a laughing stock. Of course it all was my fault....not! I hear you. These creatures have zero empathy. It’s shocking to me.
Yes I have been told I was lying about being ill even whilst having an ambulance taking me to hospital.
I definitely know that feeling. I had a really bad ingrown toenail that turned Purple and also got a staph infection. Neither one of my worthless excuses for parents believed me when I told them the VERY FIRST DAY that I needed to go to a doctor. The infection wouldn't have happened if they'd just believe me. I even showed my mom my extremely Red swollen toe. Still didn't believe me. The last time I went to the hospital for a podiatrist appointment my dad had to take me and he asked where he should drop me off. Before I could even answer he flew into a massive tantrum rage when he didn't even let me answer his question. He told me I could walk home and refused to answer the phone which I knew he would. I called my enabling mom and she came and got me and when I told her what happened she right off said that I MUST HAVE said something to make him act that way. I know she didn't believe me then and if I brought it up now I know she'd call me a liar and say it never happened. I'd rather die than have him ever have to take me to the hospital again. I've even told him if I need to go to the hospital, I'll walk.
Same here.
The rebel scapegoat becomes the hero but without a Messiah complex once we heal.
We're the one's that stand up to the bullies.
Bless you.
'The rebel scapegoat becomes the hero but without a Messiah complex once we heal.' Could you elaborate on this plz? Especially the 'without a Messiah complex' part.
@@alphabeta525
Dear Alpha.
My apologies for the late reply. I trust that your well.
In response to your questions, we become a hero to ourselves by becoming the person we were meant to be. Once we've shaken off the shackles of lies that once chained us to our NPD, psychopath parents, siblings etc.
We don't go around trying to save and rescue everybody anymore with a messiah complex, for example
"I know I can save, help that person and everyone I meet who needs help."
We help only those that desperately, genuinely want help and will do the neccercary work to change themselves for the better.
Thus, we don't then get so tired and exhausted and used selfishly by people who want help, but refuse to change, those that want you to carry them.
Hope that helps.
Kind regards.
God bless you.
@@reverentalexanderchezeley-6367 Thank you so much for putting things in perspective for me. Due to my upbringing in a Toxic narcissistic family which conditioned me to attract toxic narcissistic personalities out side of my family, it would feel so confusing to be in a place of being abused while not understanding how I got there while others around me are not as badly affected by the narcissist (outside family - at college, workplace etc.). After being revictimized by narcissists in the outside world and the recent covert abuse (the narcissist is not in my life now thankfully) that happend and after some self reflection, I started realizing that I have this urge to save/help those people who need and especially this happens with narcissists. With this kind of personality trait (conditioned through familial abuse), a healthy person could be careful with the boundaries, but the narcissist takes advantage of it by trying to act as the victim and then pushing the boundaries. That is how I understood that I'm being revictimized again and again after bing trapped through their playing the victim (or probably my perception of them being the victim even if they haven't tried playing victim). So just wanted to hear more about the messiah complex (or Saviour complex as how I would call it). Thanks for the reply again.
Yup, I was told I was selfish for just taking a shower. Doing my own laundry and taking a shower were considered so selfish of me. I struggled with self care at one time in my life. Taking a shower caused me great anxieties until I figured out where it came from.
I relate to this so much. My mother shamed me so badly and repeatedly for not having already cleaned my room (cuz children spontaneously do housework?!??) that it was years into adulthood before I realized that even thinking about cleaning triggered shame spirals and avoidance. Catch-22. It's been awesome to realize I can clean and tidy for mySELF because I deserve to live in clean and comforting space.
Our needs come last or not at all. Condolences. It's not selfish, please take care of yourself.
I was told off for taking a shower as an adult at one get together that I was stupid enough to attend. Apparently I *might* use up too much hot water and then someone more important than me *might* be subjected to a lukewarm shower. It was the middle of the day and I had purposely waited until my baby was down for a nap so I wouldn't get told off for 'expecting someone else' to watch her, so much for trying to be unobtrusive, hey just found some other reason to tell me off.
@@JaymiJones-g8b Oh geez, exactly, I know exactly what you are talking about. Everyday I realize more and more.
@@bellaluce7088 I was shamed for not doing chores as well and for years I had anxiety around it. Just this year I realized that my parents hadn't taught me how to do tasks even as simple as cleaning my room. Like, how is a little girl supposed to take care of herself when you do not teach her how to? Pure insanity... No healthy person is that irrational.
How about this for blame: my abusive father and two brothers were lying on the floor watching tv. I tried to walk over them to leave the room. One brother (while laughing) tripped me. I landed with my knee on my father’s chest, which later needed medical treatment. This became in family lore as…the time I tried to kill Dad. Their reasoning was that if I wasn’t so fat, it wouldn’t have hurt him.
Thanks for the video.
That's insane, you never deserved that treatment.
:(
I'm so sorry
Thank you to each of you, for your kindness and support.
I am so sorry you had to go through that :(
My new thinking: don’t beg for love. Life changing.
Don't go to Home Depot expecting to find orange juice there.
When my narcissistic father got leukemia my parents blamed me for it. totally ridiculous
Oh my.. I was blamed because my father got gastric 😮
Whenever I get a wound, get almost killed by a vehicle accident (which was not my fault but the driver's), or have a disease which was out of my control ( I caught dengue last week); I would get blamed, guilt tripped and called selfish for behaving normally in situations that were not under my control and neither the outcome of my action. Totally ridiculous. But I guess some of us are just a little unfortunate being born into abnormal functioning family systems when we didn't deserve it, it's fine, we are neither alone nor at fault.
I was blamed for a fibromyalgia diagnosis in a family member, that broke me and still gets me to this day :(
Sorry that happened to you. You are not responsible for the illness of someone else.
I got blamed for my mom's cancer too. *HUGS*
I'm the scapegoat/truthteller. Now, at 71 years old I went no contact with the whole damned family. It is cathartic!
Being the scapegoat makes it so hard to have good relationships with siblings.
im the scapegoat in my family. i have 3 siblings and my mother targeted me with verbal, physical and emotional abuse, and allowed my siblings to do the same to me. i cant even begin to describe how badly it's ruined my life. we're older now, my siblings are so succesful; im just wandering through life aimlessly. not sure what i can do except wait for life to pass.
I too have recently realized that my Narc Dad taught my younger siblings how to treat me. Thankfully with therapy I am continuing to heal from the past and have gone grey rock/very low contact with siblings and no contact with father. I wish you the best and sorry you’ve gone through something similar.
You can change this! Please believe in yourself! I know what it’s like! So very difficult, every day is a challenge to make choices that celebrate my existence!
I decided to prove them wrong. I have worked to get well all of my life and, in my 50's, stopped saying mean things about myself or to myself. I am mostly at peace now though for a few years I was just waiting for life to be over. Start by being kind to yourself in every possible way: "Look at that, you got out of bed!" "Whoohoo you brushed your teeth." Don't let them have any more of your power, my friend. You can bring yourself up. If I could, you can. My best to you.
@@margaretwebb389 "Every day is a challenge to make choices that celebrate my existence." RIGHT ON!!! So true!!!
@@tor4833 Yes! Stop saying mean things about yourself or to yourself! As scapegoats, we're devalued, and eventually we're taught to devalue ourselves. NO MORE!!!
You can be in your 60's and still be treated like a child by your siblings. It's waking up to this scapegoat/black sheep scenario that finally (and sadly) forces one into a more healthy environment by leaving much contact with those who show little respect and rewrite history.
Why do they do that? Treat us like a child at 56 my 72 year old sister always treated me like a child...i thought because she was older but now I think its infantilization
@@yournotthatimportant1032 My siblings remember every thing I did when I was young, but of course they 'don't' remember what they said and done.
@@pam164 yeah, selective amnesia & rewriting history.
Relatable
Relatable 😢
Thank you for this video and for everyone's comments that make me feel less alone. When I was 22, a man broke into my home and slashed my throat. The abusive 'father' flew all the way to the hospital (while I was in ICU) and started screaming and raging about how I had cost him money, and he had to take time off work for the trip. He demanded to my boss that he be "compensated" for all of the trouble (still in ICU with a ventilator tube down my throat so I could not speak). BTW, he had insurance so he actually made a profit from the trip and my hospital stay. But the look of pure horror and disgust on the nurses' faces and my boss at 22 years old, convinced me to go no contact. I am now 43 and grateful that people like this community and channel exist. Go no contact - RUN - even if you have no money. Save yourself - because you are worth it.
Wow! I am so sorry! That is one incredibly selfish and childish father!
My dad is like this. I got accident on the scooter but then not asking how I am instead blaming me fot the broken scooter.despite is not my fault getting in bad accident that because someone else's reckless behavior. My life is pure bad luck and shit since i was child basically because of him and his anger issues but then now i am.so broken he blamed me for all the incompetency in my life when he's the main factor of it. I am.so.sick but i can't get our trapped here.
This is probably what would've happened if I had invited my parents to the ICU when I almost died. They would've blamed me for what was not my fault as usual and stressed me out further even though I'm here dying in the ICU. All the nurses advised me to NOT let my parents know. Best advice ever.
I cried throughout, I have spent 32 years being the scapegoat child, 32 years of psychotherapy, it wasn't me whom needed .The new year I changed my behavior in a manner that protects myself , I was met with Agression, verbal threat.....thanks for the video, it reinforces my right to respect and boundaties
Same. Sending love ❤
It's sad how to have to take therapy to deal with the people who actually need therapy but won't go into that.
Oh my god...I never understood why I would sometimes get this really aggressive fixation on authority figures who abuse their power until I watched this...but this totally makes sense. Rebel here.
I was scapegoated growing up in a mixed family with 4 other kids. I went through a long and awful major depressive episode around age 13-15, and that really kicked things off because I'd have moments of rebellion that they'd use against me. Usually I'd just argue, try to run away, or cuss them out. Then one time my step mom slapped me in the face, and I became the scary unstable child because I punched her in reaction. That was probably the worst I ever lashed out, and I'm not sure hitting back harder is even an example of lashing out. It was never addressed that she hit me, or any of the other things they did to drive me up a wall, they just lied to psychiatrists about me being aggressive and out of control. I remember being blindsided in a psych appointment when my dad said he was worried I'd wake up at night and hurt myself or do something bad. I'd never done that, and I certainly didn't need to be prescribed Ambien at 14. Naturally I abused my meds, and was put into a drug program and adult NA meetings for an addiction I didn't start. As I got older and wasn't home as much, things got better, and I thought everything that had happened was my fault because of my mental health. I didn't realize that I had just learned to comply and make myself small, and I took those tactics I learned with them into places where my compliance hurt me. I've been free for about 4 years, and I still feel like anything I do or think is wrong, like I'm in the way of everyone, and I'm still unraveling all the lies they told me about myself.
I can relate ❤
Wishing you continual progress in your journey, sprinkled with the love you didn't receive as a child. Never give up ☺
Sending love from California 🤗
Sending love, its awful to feel that way 💔
Sending you a giant, huge hug ❤
What you describe is why I no longer engage with my family of origin except grey rock. If that doesn't work I just quietly leave the situation. I now have that power. Patrick, thank you for your terrific work and channel.
♥️
well done.
[Commenting for the benefit of minors/new 'Murican!™️ proletariats, unwillingly indefinitely dependents, stuck in these dynamics.]
Careful with that. It'll subsume your actual personality if you're forced to employ that method most of, if not 24/7/365, the time. And have nearly it not actually zero outside world interaction with any other people on top of it (as we're shackled to digital garbage, with zero third spaces or community areas it's not "loitering" to be in without monetary transactions involved, anymore. For 20 years and counting. And nothing but fake toxic online personas to one-line with otherwise).
I'm pretty sure persistent grey rock mode is the first step in developing all these sociopaths 'Murica!™️ produces (unlike anything else anymore lmao)...
the scapegoat as a distraction for other familial/systemic/adult relational issues is a point i’ve been trying to articulate about my own experience since i was a child. it felt yucky to say out loud for such a long time. but i now realize this is a generational abuse, trauma, and toxic coping skill that i am responsible for breaking. we either break the cycle or join it, and being reminded of this helps me stay the course. thanks for what you do, patrick!
I feel exactly the same way, glad to see there are others hell-bent on breaking that vicious cycle. We owe it to ourselves and our future families without a doubt. Having a loving partner who has helped me identify some of these behaviors so I can quash them has been absolutely key for me in my progress.
I’m a cycle breaker too! Had hoped my sisters might join me but that doesn’t not appear to be happening. I have to accept that and move on with my life and continue to heal.
@@dnk4559 Sending love, endless strength, and healing your way. I have been in that position. It’s heart-destroying to see your siblings continue the cycle. 🥺🤍
@@IBsamIAm1 I relate to everything you’ve said so much. My partner has been integral in addressing these things. I always thought that healing had to be done alone, but I have found great strength in allowing myself to be loved.
@@lucyrobertson7069 thank you for your words of encouragement. Hugs and peace to you!!!
Scapegoat in a "looks good on paper" family...also a truth-teller. I just reached out the last time to be shunned. Again. Time to start valuing, cherishing, and investing in myself for the sake of needing love, not just to try to prove to them that I'm worth loving. Sending strength, love, and peace to you reading this.
Wow! You are strong! Wishing you all the best!
That’s exactly what I’m going through just now. Love how you put this into words. Lots of love and blessings your way! ❤️🫂🪽
I LOVE this comment. You know you’re a badass, right? Keep doing your thing. 🖤
I was the scapegoat and after years of therapy and medication for depression, I got the diagnosis for ADHD which was always obvious. I was always blamed for my "bad behaviour", always heard that "I was going to suffer a lot in the future", I was called lazy, not talented, dreamer, dumb. If I was a kid and come home with the knees hurt because I fell off somewhere, I was blamed because I was "too dumb"... I never could complete anything (like courses, university, changing jobs) and that was always noted and told everyone in the family that I could not do anything.
The whole family was always saying how handsome my brother was, and how disorganised and clumsy I was. "She can't even have her hair done" and I was like 5... How can a 5 yo kid can have coordination to have a beautiful, organised hair with a bow on it??
Nowadays, with my treatment for ADHD, therapy I see that my whole life I believed in what people said about me and that was a mix of scapegoat and ADHD issues and I believed I had a "bad personality"... Now at 32, I am seeing the real me, happy and proud of how much I accomplished apart of all this issues.
ps: sorry for my English :)
❤❤❤
I came here looking for someone describing this experience because I believe this is exactly what I've lived through. ADHD makes families believe that you are an hinderance on their happiness, and you get to believing it too. I was diagnosed this year at 36.
I have spent a lot of energy trying to prove myself and to bend myself to fit in with them, and golden child has spent a lifetime telling me that I was "wrong". He told me that my narcissistic mother would die of loneliness because I don't go to see her a lot, when he's the one who's moved to a whole other continent 7 years ago.
I don't know what came over me but I sat them down individually and told them about my ADHD. My brother said that he thinks I have a mental illness rather than a cognitive disorder because I don't take care of myself. My mum just plain laughed. They never mentioned anything about ADHD ever again and never changed a bit.
My advice is, if it's not too late, do not tell them anything. They don't get to know this about you
nemfreud - - - Your English is SUPERB!
my sister at my narc mothers funeral, (i hadnt seen her in many years) thanked a list of people helping for the funeral plans and then stated (with a tone and a glare) "and thanks Ted for showing up". passive aggressive shame in front of the whole community. no one asked me if i would help with the funeral i didnt even know my mother died until right before the funeral with no time to even get work off. my mother had been dead for six days before i even knew she died. public shaming disquised as a compliment.......this is so toxic and endemic of the toxic family system
This is what they do!
❤
That is truly horrible. So sorry you were publicly humiliated like that.
Yep the backhanded compliment. Classic NPD.
Total BS
No CONTACT is the only way I ever found a to deal with this as 'once the scapegoat' always the scapegoat'. My raging covert narc mother even started to turn that mouth of hers onto my kids before I'd heard everything I ever needed to hear her say . Low contact , cutting them all off the Christmas list gave little relief . I was raised to believe EVERYTHING I did was wrong , I was responsible for my siblings' bad behaviour or the reason other people didn't like them , my parents' raging sh*t behaviour . And as you say any foolish trip back into that environment brings back ALL the scapegoating blame relatives have been storing up to dump for decades . Both my parents are dead now - a big relief - but because of these old engrained toxic beliefs my siblings are just too triggering and not worth the effort . Most people I've ever mentioned these family goings on to don't even believe families act like that . Thanks Patrick for keeping these things out in the open. These are some of the truly miserable features of the human race - the perpetrators know enough to try to hide this crap behaviour from others though .
I completely understand Pavla! It’s a relief that Patrick is talking about it and literally speaking about so many things I have experienced.
I could have written this. I hope you have peace now. My parents are thankfully dead and I have no contact with siblings.
Your kids pick up this behaviour and start treating you like your family did.Your kids never believe anything you try to tell them about your family feelings towards you. They trust them and not you. It seems to be a lifelong pain which you need help for. Patrick is awesome
Also my parents are dead. I have no contact with siblings or family
@@euniceappling7912 I hope you have peace. I’ve had therapy many times over the years bc of them. I finally found peace. I wouldn’t want any of them as friends. That helped me. Hugs.
This is so totally like my childhood. I was blamed for everything I did or didn't do, there was no sense to make of it at the time. Was there really something so fundamentally wrong with me? Were my parents just evil? Leading nowhere. Much better: Which function did my role serve in the family system?
When I was sad or tired, I "spoiled everybody's mood". When I was happily playing, I "didn't see the chores to be done" - or my mother's general misery. When I was doing the dishes or sweeping the floor, I was blamed for not putting on a happy enough face while doing it.
I was blamed for my A grades - they could frustrate my little brother who was not doing so well in school. I was blamed for his problems also - "Why can't you help him learn to spell and write?". On the other hand, why could I not simply be like my brother?
My father got these tantrums, where he hit us children and yelled around - I must have provoked him. When I got a chronic autoimmune disease, that was also my fault of course. And so on, and on, and on
This sounds so unfair and I get so angry remembering. But was just my parents' distorted way to preserve their egos and keep the family system in kind of balance - NOT MY FAULT
(When I reduced contact to practically "Grey Rock", suddenly my brother got all the blame - isn't it funny? Or sad, rather?)
Oh dear, Bonnie. Your family sounds like mine. I got straight As in school too, so much so that I was not just Honor Roll, and all that, including all set to graduate Valedictorian, but I actually got a letter stating that I was getting 2 academic scholarships to go to college. The school counselor brought me into her office to tell me the good news, and that she'd be sending a letter to my parents explaining everything. I BEGGED her not to send the letter. I told her "I don't know what my dad will do if he finds out." She laughed and said, oh come on, what parent wouldn't be thrilled to know their daughter is doing so well at school? (my parents didn't care to look at my report cards for years, so they had no idea what kind of grades I was getting). I told her mine, specifically, my dad. You don't know him. He's liable to do anything. She insisted that she had to send the letter. So when I got home, I BEGGED my mom to hide the letter from dad when it came. She was so proud of me, but she did promise that she'd never tell dad. Well, when the letter came, mom showed it to dad. I still remember him yelling my name and telling me get in here. I had no idea what I was in trouble for this time, but it never crossed my mind that mom would break her promise. I hadn't even known the letter had come yet. So I walk into the living room and there stands dad, shaking a letter at me. "Care to explain THIS?! Look at it. Explain it. I took the letter, and sure enough, it was a GLOWING report on my grades, attendance, everything... and the details about the scholarships. I was so so scared, and all I said, very quietly, was, it's just a letter saying that I have good grades and they want to help me pay for college. He said, you think you're smarter than your brothers, don't you? (They all had straight Fs and constant letters about fighting, ditching class, etc.) That was the furthest thing from my mind, and shocked me so much all I could think to say was, no, and mouth open in shock, I added, I was just trying to do my best (on any other given day, that's the answer we were supposed to give). Without ANY warning, he backhanded me so hard it knocked me down instantly, and my face swelled up right away. He said well I'll show you, you're NOT smarter than your brothers, girls are never as smart as men. He said when you get to school today, clean out your locker. You're done going to school. And that's exactly how I ended up being a high school drop out and no college education until after I turned 50 something. Instead of blaming my brothers for being Jack offs and getting straight Fs, he blamed ME for getting good grades, which in his twisted mind, cannot happen. No girl was ever going to be smarter than his precious sons. Ugh.
@@BeRightBack131 that is really gross! It's so sad they made you drop out school and bury away your talents. I hope you could find your inner rebel by now and reclaim your life. For me, I was at least supported with my college education, to look good on paper. (And my brother did ok in the end) But It took me decades (I'm 56 now) to see through the facade and not believing them any more.
the fact that the scapegoating transferred onto your brother from you is shitty, but also hit close to home! my sister and i have had conversations about how our roles as the scapegoat and golden child switched over time and somehow, i felt that that really revealed that scapegoating isn't about your character at all
This makes my heart ache 💔
It's exactly what I have been through and still going
@@BeRightBack131 Your story shocked me. What a pig-ignorant man your father was. I hope you had no more to do with him, he did not deserve you as a daughter. I hope you found validation and happiness in your life as an adult.
Your story about Jane and the dish is pretty much me! My dad once claimed he had money stashed somewhere hidden in the walls, and when he couldn't remember where it was he told everyone I must have taken it, despite not living in the house for over 20 years. I went no-contact with him after that for a year and half before he died. No regrets.
I'm a scapegoat rebel and can say unequivocally that a scapegoat's integrity disallows exacting revenge. We don't intentionally harm others even though they intentionally harm us. I just wanted to straighten that part out. You're right on with everything else. Learning not to react has been life changing for me. Thank you for these videos. Namaste 💜
💜✌️🌻
Don't try to understand, love, help, or forgive abusers. Just get out!!! You don't need to be validated or get permission or explain or even say goodbye. Studies show unequivocally these families or groups DONT EVER CHANGE. Detach and run. Your first and only obligation is to survive. I did and it saved my life. Alanon helped immensely.
@@denisedonatelli5460 Thank you :-)
I got blamed for my cats death because i'd made a drawing of a skull a week prior. I was constantly told by my dad that he wouldn't have problems with my mom if it wasn't for me. My mom would blame me for getting sick even if it was stuff that was out of my control. It took many years to realize this wasn't normal. I still have a lot of healing to do but knowing that others went through similar experiences has helped me process my trauma alone as it helped me no longer feel so alone
WTF? I'm so sorry your parents were so psycho. Just awful. Sending a hug ❤ there's nothing wrong with you. I hope you know it even though you may not feel it.
Omg so relatable. I drew a drawing of a skull years ago and forgot about it in their house. I was literally moved out the house when this happened. My brother still living there had sleep paralysis. I get blamed for causing his sleep paralysis because I had left a skull drawing in the house. I also had her blame me for giving myself cancer when I was waiting on a biopsy on tumors in my breasts (ended up not being cancerous thankfully). She also blamed me for fights she had with my father. I believe in us! We can heal! Wishing us both self love and healing!
Will you please draw a skull and send it to my house?? We don’t have a cat but hoping it will work for someone else.
Can there be 2 female sibling scapegoats? We are in our 60’s. Every one else is dead. One seems compliant. The other, seems more aggressive, acts out.
I always thought I was a mascot, i.e., “the baby.” But now that everyone’s dead, she blames me and my daughter now, for everything including not ever cleaning her home.
This one has me left sort of with my jaw dropped.. he just explained my whole life.. had a chart for it and everything.
😂 Sadly the same but also such a relief to have the truth validated.
Always called out, but atleast I'm aware of myself 😂
I was in a chaotic family system growing up. I was the scapegoat, which amounted to me shaming my own natural child-like wants, needs and reactions. I also became a rebel towards my parental figures, which bled into my early career. I remember realizing, when I was a teen, that despite finally talking back and defending myself, my parent had something very wrong with them. But at the same time, it was all I knew so I couldn't pinpoint WHAT made it wrong, I just knew it was.
same here. My younger brother listened to my mom's talk about me and reminded just last week of something I said wrong 23 years ago. Guess I've been his burden to bear too.
I ran away at age 6. Obviously I didn't get far. But at least the big fights stopped. It took me 25 years to realize that this was the smartest thing I did in my life.
I’m in the process of grieving the loss of a relationship with my family and also realizing it’s the best thing for me and moving on because trying to get them to see eye to eye with you is a waste of time and goes nowhere.
Oh, so so, absolutely true! For most of my 60 years, I've tried to do every little thing I can to receive acceptance or just even be noticed as significant. Time and time again my attempts go unnoticed. I feel like I'm dead around them already. Going no contact a year ago only shifted blame on to me as now they were the victims of my lack of expected behavior. "We are ready for her to return to the fold if she wants to, as long as she apologizes"... for what?
For not showing up because no one invited me? I wasn't missed. Even my adult daughter will arrange a family dinner outing, then keep it from me. My adult son makes visits and I'm not told... "because I'm sensitive" , "because I make up that I'm not reached out to." They've been brainwashed by my parents to comply to that narrative of me. I'm gaslighted by them now too. They won't ever "get it" it's easier to point a finger and blame me instead of having my back.
My parents have even established that I won't be in heaven with the rest of my family...
I am the scapegoat. The Black Sheep. I'm 71 My mother is 103 and will never give it up, I so need this video.
Bless your heart. I'm so sorry. ❤
My parents were much older when they had me and there was also an adult brother in the home when I was a small child. I was constantly told by all of them that I was "in the way" or to "get out of the way". Instead of supervising me, my parents spanked me for opening cabinets or making messes. As an adult now, I view myself as a nuisance. I've even avoided medical care because I didn't want to bother my doctor. I'm working on it, but it's hard to stop this belief that I inconvenience everyone.
I'm really sorry you feel that way about yourself and it's a shame that you do .
I think what you need to do is think about if somebody did the same thing to you would you consider it an inconvenience .
So if your friend was going to call her doctor about the same thing would you feel she was being an inconvenience to him ?
It's like they crushed your identity and you don't fully realize your own self worth .
I'm really sorry your family did this to you .
It makes me want to cry to think of someone being a small child being bullied by siblings and parents alike and experiencing that I guess as you got older .
What is your relationship like with your family now do you still see some of them are you close to any of them ?
Did the way they treated you change at some point where they started to be nicer to you or do they still treat you as an inconvenience ?
Your words about feeling like an inconvenience to the point of self neglect hit very close to home. I, too, would rather wait out the pain than bother other people about it. This is almost always reinforced by medical professionals when I finally visit them. "Well, if it was a real problem, you would have been here sooner, so go away".
Absolutely the same luv. I'm a burden to everyone 😢
Totally get this. My parents were the eldest siblings in their own families and then I had an older brother by 3-4 years. They were all strong minded & quite highly narcissistic and taller than me. Try standing up to that when you are the youngest child, sensitive, quiet & a girl. My opinions and preferences were always last on the list of priorities, rubbished, and belittled. Then they can’t understand why I didn’t enjoy being around them & I get labelled ungrateful. I have had problems taking self interested action my whole life as well.
As a toddler, my parents would give me water in an actual glass tumbler. It was too big/heavy for me to hold properly. When I inevitably dropped it, I'd get a spanking. After that happened several times, when I got scolded I'd stand up in my high chair and spank myself, shouting "Bad! Bad! Bad!" My parents thought it was hilarious.
One day I came home from school and was immediately confronted by my mother saying “You know, Lois, we didn’t think we’d be raising children at our age. We thought we’d be retired and able to enjoy ourselves!!”. I was one of four children but I alone was selected for this message. I was most definitely the family scapegoat.
Thank you!
I used to get this.
My older brother talking to my mom about his second child who's on the way, and how he fears it could be difficult to love the second born as much as he loves the first, and mom agreeing that it's a struggle.
I just said "yeah, the second one is always defective anyway"
I’m definitely a mixture of compliant and rebellious. Depends on my environment and how threatened I feel. There’s definitely a fight or flight element to living with abuse for so long.
Rebellious all the way
Both my sister and I each feel that we were the family scapegoat. Amazing how our parents played the children against each other.
I finally broke the scape goat by cutting off my jealous family. I've never looked back.
I am doing that now, and too late to know the truth
well done ..NO CONTACT forever 😁
Learning to accept that my behavior as a teenager was an entirely appropriate response to a very dysfunctional environment. I was the more compliant scapegoat, but eventually my mental health started to deteriorate severely, which distracted everyone from the fact that my mom had some narcissistic traits and was busy trying to recapture her teenage years after she divorced my dad. There was lots of alienating me from my dad. I talked with him recently and learned that she never even told him anything that was going on with me. Very interesting, and I’ve had a lot of guilt and shame around how I acted out, but finally trying to accept it 🙂
Keep up the great work Sade. You're amazing and never let yourself be told other wise, it's just vampires trying to get to you, and that will never happen if you're ruthlessly truthful with yourself. Gotta stay true, even when you're crazy mad kkkkk.
This resonated with me and I’m crying because admitting these things makes it real and I’ve been running from this my whole life. This video gave me hives.
Yes, I'm in my 50s jand ust realizing some ugly stuff and it is very freaky and upsetting. Take care ✌️
@@rdoodoo2021 sending you love from California 🤗❤️❤️❤️❤️
Hugs and love, dear. It’s hard to go through. ❤️
First step in recovery - hugs
I see you made this comment months ago but I'm hoping you're doing a bit better now ❤️
I was the family scapegoat my entire life. I was blamed for the smallest of things, things I did by mistake constantly used against me and guilted by the nice things my siblings did
At 50 actively in chemo-therapy w/aggressive cancer, niece, both sisters accused me of trying to "steal" my nieces 6 kids. I had zero hair, nails, holes in my nose, mouth, my dad went along with it. Could not work for 1 year/5 months of cancer treatment. I was treated like garbage for the next 8 years. Asked to clean toilets w/invited to "family" events. At 58 went no contact, very difficult but I am thriving now, completely out of the narcissistic system. No longer their ATM, fixer when their kid is arrested, They are sick, always have been.
I just recently cut my mother off. My stepfather (who raised me since I was a baby) just called me last night and started calling me names including calling me A SLUT! I am a 30 year old woman who's been with my husband for 10 years. My family is sick. I am so glad to be completely cutting them off.
I think all of the kids in my family of origin were scapegoats. My mom was not at all discriminatory bless her heart
LoL "Bless Her Heart"
*Respect for Your Growth ♡
Mine too. We we're all encouraged to take part in the abuse of the others. I feel a deep sense of shame at the role I played and was put into.
Yeah, my mother would choose a new scapegoat ever so often. . .
I was called "the Liar" - because when I was a teenager I did lie a handful of times to survive. Otherwise that is totally out of character for me and did not follow me in my life past a couple years in my teens. But "the liar" label was fostered to "friends", relatives , anyone willing to listen from my mother. Who I always tried to protect. After YEARS of abuse she wanted me to take care of her. Funny - my aunt let me know terrible things my sister said about me and I told my aunt when I left home my sister was only nine years old and she literally can't know anything about me ! B.S. had to come from my mother. Terrible family ...
Ha ha, I know that story. I was about 2 years old when I was crawling up the stairs one day. Typical of babies/toddlers, when I got up the stairs I told my mom, "there's a REALLY BIG spider 🕷 on the stairs, and spread my hands apart about 3 inches. It's so SCARY!" I told my mom. My mom asked me to show her. It took me a bit to find it because in reality, it was just a smallish spider, but my toddler mind exaggerated it. My mom thought it was adorable how excited and scared I was about the spider, and some years later, my brother who is 2 years younger than me (meaning he was either a newborn or very young infant when it happened, therefore, not personally a witness to what I said) overhead my mom telling someone else about the "cute thing she did when she was 2." Well, years later, as ADULTS, he started telling others that I'm a liar. Have always been a liar. I confronted him and asked, "how so? Name ONE thing that makes you say that. Guess what he brought up? Yeah, the spider story when I was a toddler. I kid you not. To this day, he still says I've been a liar since I was 2. That's the ONLY incident he ever uses to prove his point. Smh. Wow.
I was called a liar by my mom when trying to get therapy at 14. At first I was refused therapy by my parents and they told me social services are bad. My mom asked ”Which lies are you going to tell them about our family?”, but I was just looking for help
The toughest (but most helpful) realization for me as the scapegoat was that my family of origin dynamic will not change, they are not a source of support or validation, and they are incapable of seeing the truth of the toxic family dynamic. In my family of origin, they will continue to protect the abusive parent / perpetrator. I tried to scream the truth from the rooftops for years...and no one in the family was capable of listening. So grateful that I have a family of CHOICE today with friends and fellowships who see me as I truly am, who celebrate truth, and who focus on healing. So glad I chose to jump off the toxic family Titanic into a life of recovery! I choose to not be a victim of family of origin abuse today!! 💕
Having zero expectations and giving up "magical thinking" was my life preserver.
We are two family scapegoats that married in later life. We've done a lot of work to understand what happened to us. We can see some of these behaviours you describe in each other and ourselves. We cut off all ties with narc father's, co dependent mother's who were enablers and our younger sisters - both the Golden child. We have a great relationship even though it has meant severing ties with all family members many of which were turned into flying monkeys or that type that won't take sides or refuses to believe the harm (even physical) that was done to you. We are better off without them but these Narcs leave a legacy that lives long after they are dead.
Thank you for breaking this down to view it all in different parts. I was the scapegoat, I still am, but I'm not listening anymore. Your videos have been life saving. Thank you so much your videos helped me see the truth.
AMEN! This SH1T KILLS people! This information is TRULY lifesaving!
I was always held as the family scapegoat as a child, teenager, and young adult (especially in my older brother’s eyes).
As an older adult, I don’t allow anyone to blame me for anything, even as a joke. I no longer allow people to use me as an excuse to keep from taking responsibility for their own crap.
Damn thank you for the video. I’m definitely a mixture of rebel and compliant. Problem is I don’t know what a healthy middle reaction looks like. And I feel like I might be overly compliant or rebellious inappropriately depending on the situations, but never on the healthy medium, which I have no idea what it looks like.
This.
You said it for me. Thank you for finding the words to describe myself.
Me too man
Yes this is me too. What is a normal reaction to things anyways?
I told my family that they can’t use me as the scapegoat anymore. I told them they can’t mention any issue I have without first mentioning as issue they have. I was severely, mentally abused by my mom. She was sexually assaulted by several family members and never got any therapy or help for it. No wonder why she keeps asking me if someone “touched” me. The more I learn about the behavior, the more I expect it and don’t take it personally. I’m still battling with opiod addiction but about to go to treatment then talk to a psychotherapist that specializes in narcissistic abuse. This will be a long, hard journey but soooo worth it. My entire family still supports her and says I should be grateful. I’m no longer listening to them. When I get out of treatment I’m moving to Bali. My disability from the army, will allow me to live an amazing life there…but most importantly, heal without their interference
holy crap I have all of those esymptoms, my parents were nutcases and my family followed in their footsteps, I've decided to go no contact and save my mental health and try to undo this
I really appreciate you making this video. The family scapegoat ended up being not only myself but my husband. My parents blamed him for everything that “went wrong” with me. Of course they also blamed me for certain things. I hadn’t thought of this concept before and it is very validating, especially the part where you mentioned things could potentially pick up right where they left off. That’s exactly my fear. Thank you for all the good content you put out into the world!
Wow my child was also the scapegoat just like me. My mother always has something negative to say about my child😔. She criticize how he walk, talk, socializes you name it. I need to be financially secure so I can go no contact and divorce my ignoring abusive husband.
@@xoxoxoxoxojetaime3148 here is the link ruclips.net/video/95ovIJ3dsNk/видео.html
That’s so great you recognize this. I was my family scapegoat and my husbands family made me into one. The scapegoats got a chance to ge on top finally and I was it. He sees it now, but many golden spouses do not.
15:40 that hit hard. That's my father's whole shtick, "Nothing happens on it's own, there's always a culprit"
Wow... I never even considered that I was/am an emotional scapegoat for my family. I was super compliant for years and have just recently hopped to the rebel side
Me too! Just a different player now in the Game Of Blame. Ugh
@@karenmossbryan7932 Yep but now we see it! All this quiet abuse is so damaging and I'm so glad we have someone like Patrick to sort through the trickiness with us :)
I recently had to get an xray on a broken foot and the doctor told me "youve obviously had broken toes and several ankle injuries" and I had this emotional flashback of complaining of sore feet and ankles and being told "oh, whats wrong with you now? why dont you shut up and stop being so attention seeking" by the narcissitic alcoholic mother. I felt vindicated and deep, deep sorrow that I was treated like this as a child. I was silent and in pain. I was 8.
Oh wow. I'm so sorry you never found out till so much later what had even exactly happened to your foot.
@@VioletEmerald it’s pretty wild huh? Goes to show you should listen to children carefully
Gosh, this is so relatable. It's crazy how long it can take to see the full picture. And finally understand, my feelings and perceptions were valid and right all the time - I was just gaslit. It's so painful and intense to basically rewire your entire way of living and starting to trust yourself again... wow. Had to leave all my family behind (since everyone is a flying monkey to my narcissistic mother) in order to start reparenting myself. Sending everyone who is going through this much energy
كيف تشعرين بعد تركك لعائلتك المريضة؟
I am hopeful that reparenting can bring relief. Years of therapy without relational recovery hasn't helped me much.
My grandfather straight up told me I caused my mother's early onset Alzheimer's by not cleaning my room and having bad grades as a kid. There was also stuff that I only now see as utterly ridiculous. The messy room and bad grades (I was diagnosed with pretty severe ADHD and dyslexia at 38, btw...) also, supposedly, caused my mother's depression, general unhappiness and exhaustion and failure to form friendships and romantic relationships. So yeah, I'm the absolute worst.
Edit: my self harm was also, obviously, only meant to torture my saint of a mother.
I’m so sorry you had things like that said to you and I’m so thankful you now understand how wrong that was.
Oh god, what a crock of shit you were fed. I’m so sorry to hear your story
U and me both 🙄😭😂
I was a 43 year old adult when my angry dad called accusing me of moving or taking something in their home. I live two states away.
This has happened all my life. 🙄
My mom does that too. I’m 40. She accused me of taking some old prom dresses of my younger sister out of her closet. I don’t want 20 year old prom dresses and I hardly come to your house. She then told my sister I took them.
@@yeshalloween 🤦
I'm 5 minutes in and every phrase you mentioned were things my mom told me. I'm 25 and I've almost forgotten all the dumb evil things my mom said but I totally see how it still effects me in my adult life, and where to make corrections. Thank you so much. Your videos hit the nail on the head every time.
It can and will affect you ( your sense of self worth, especially) for decades, if not addressed ASAP. I'm in my fifties, and just coming to terms with being the family Scapegoat. I wished I addressed this stuff in my late teens or early twenties.
Pigeonhawk is totally right. I did the same and I'm in my early thirties now and trying to unpack it.
@@bun1932 Yes, even with the best ones, it will possibly take years to heal somewhat from the psychological mess.
Thank you. I had no idea this went into adulthood. I was mobbed and it included violence. I was so shocked that I went No Contact with them all. From my research I found out that this was never going to change. I'm doing better now but it has taken time. I was still in shock for about 2 years after the mobbing.
Thank you for these insights.
I am over 60 and I used to feel like I always deserved to be treated like garbage by anyone.
I grew up as a scapegoat in a family of abusive alcoholics with big mental problems.
Until the last couple of years I didn't get why everyone is bullying me and why I am to blame when I don't do something bad!
Now I get the bigger picture. I believed that I deserved the bullying and other bad treatment. 🍀
Makes sense. The oldest aunt constantly told my mother how evil I was and how I deserved being sexually abused. Of course, it was by their father and they also were abused. It was "the duty" of the oldest child of each generation to take the punishment and protect the others, which of course she couldn't do because my grandfather was a sexual predator through and through. When I wasn't complying with that vision, I was the one who deserved the abuse because I was asking for it as a 7 year old. Yeah, my family is quite special. Thanks for shedding some light!
When my husband’s father was dying we flew to see him when we could and while stuck in a plane for four hours on the tarmack- waiting to depart… he died at the hospital and my husband didn’t get to say good bye: his family blamed me and him for not getting in sooner. Like my husband would have saved him.
When my mother remarried while I was in high school, practically my entire family started downright HATING me for my mere existence. And that was just to top off the years of bullying at school and emotional neglect. I ruined the perfect family picture in their eyes and they wanted me gone, but couldn't legally do it, so until they moved away my whole life was just accusations, verbal attacks and remarks how I am "useless" and "a nuisance". I had no help from anyone. From the triggers you mentioned, all of them ticked for me. Wow I am in a bad place right now. I guess my therapy will take longer than I thought...
Be patient with yourself, it takes time but it is worth the effort. You will come out the other side realizing what a miracle you are to survive this abuse.
You will get healed Hun. Keep doing the work in therapy as it’s helping you to recognise where you could make a wrong decision. By learning the triggers and issues around this subject, you will avoid meeting people as friends or partners who may abuse you in the future. I had therapy, but I realised I qualified in a career and culture that supported the same family dynamics. I’m retraining but I spent decades tolerating the behaviours from managers who treat me as my mother did. I’m now coming to terms with this and at times I feel I’ve wasted my life on a role that kept me back from developing as a person. I can’t change the past....but I’m changing my future! Never again will I tolerate this cr@p. You will come through this better than you were before. Xx
Wow, a therapist who understands the scapegoat and dysfunctional families - Amazing!
I had a Narcissistic father, a bully brother and a mother who did not protect me, who blamed me for “annoying” my brother. They are saying I am the Narcissist, I am the ungrateful, insensitive, entitled, selfish abuser and I don’t know what to believe anymore. There really make me doubt myself and question everything. It’s easier to accept the blame and keep the peace than fight a gang that gangs up on you.
This was great again Patrick. I have a question about the scapegoat…growing up in a very strict, fundamentalist Christian home, my parents and church always used Satan as their scapegoat. He was to blame for all the evil in the world, or for influencing good people to make bad decisions, etc. Can you do a video sometime about religious trauma syndrome with a tricky family that looks good on paper?
Haha well I’d say we’re siblings but it seems like there’s usually one scapegoat per crazy Christian family that looks good on paper 😝🧡
I second this, I grew up in a Mormon family that made me feel terrible
I third this except instead of the devil it was god's sovereignty. Like if something bad happened it was because it was part of gods plan and on the flip side they couldn't be responsible for anything in their lives they'd just pray because they always needed god to do everything for them. I learned to believe that god was causing all the bad stuff in my life which caused me to do all sorts of crazy things, fasting to annorexia, getting rid of almost everything I owned and all sorts of ridiculous life changing decisions because I actually believed god wanted me to do that, that's it was a test. I can only see in hindsight these things were crazy. Religious trauma is horrible
@@steph9530 I feel that it was always his plan and my family thinks that I’ll come back into the fold one day as a part of his plan 🙃
Ugh... I'm sorry you had that. I grew up really legalistic, so yes, religious trauma on top of childhood trauma sucks - and I didn't have childhood trauma as bad as a lot of the people here, but the religious stuff effed me up big time as a kid by exacerbating the effects of what I went through.
I was a Rebel and therefore branded 'crazy' but I had some level of confidence. Later in adult life, I become more of a Compliant and that was so much worse. I am currently trying to break away from it all.
Can totally relate! It’s so much worse tbh.
Complying is a trap, the one second you 'slip up' in their eyes, it's all over. The abuse keeps going.
O my....in my 50’s too. This happened all the time to me. I left the insanity 2 years ago, they called on valentines, and they got it good! I am so free! Thank you Jesus, bless you friend for all you do!
I found out my sister treats me like the scapegoat yesterday… I am 25. All of a sudden, it makes sense why I’m so anxious and insecure, and seek validation (often hers) before making decisions.
I would be so interested to see a video on how being a Golden Child affects people as adults. How many of them recover or even realize what their role was? They seem like they'd be the least likely to recognize a problem or deal with it directly.
✋ Scapegoat here, I shared a womb with a golden child. One could write a book. 😳
Why would they recognize it as a problem when they bought into the rhetoric and came out on top? They don’t suffer.
The Golden Child suffers. They realize no one else sees them as a prince or princess when they get out in the real world…
As an ex golden child, current scapegoat I can tell you I was quite aware of the power dynamic & felt the weight of the expectation of saving the whole damn crazy train. And it stung badly when I disappointed.
Scapegoat here, second born and the baby, older sister by 16 months and she was the golden child, she is a narcissist.
I was the most consistent family scapegoat. But as I went to college and developed more distance and independence, my narcissist father just went right down the line scapegoating my siblings. I was still often the primary scapegoat, but it was interesting how it changed over time and was also motivated by his misogyny.
I had/ have a layered response. My internal drive keeps notes of discrepancies while my external response complies and if pushed I communicate my hesitance. The goal is to work while creating/looking for exit strategies from the situation as I did with my family. I see this in myself everywhere - I never engage with anything without first computing an exit strategy, rooms, jobs, people, conversations…etc
And I agree, I was labeled as selfish for asking for things like going to the hospital when I was sick. I started using public transportation at around 5 to take myself to Doctor’s/dentist appointments, to school, to buy myself clothes/school uniform. I got good and then they “false positive” reinforced the “she’s a very independent child”. I now have just started to repair my relationship with self responsibility because I had an invisible resentment to self-care. I’d always been forced to take care of myself.
Dear one that is hard and I know how you feel as I was able to do alot of things that a 5 year old should not be doing such as being a caregiver to my younger sister, attending to her asthma attacks, going shopping, making serious family decisions when my parents where at work. All under the umbrella of an extremely independent child title which I wore like a crown. My mother to this days tells me I was also an independent baby.... And that I didn't need much care like my sister did. Being a mom today I can't imagine how that is even possible as babies at least mine is always looking to me for care, hugs , and love. My family was toxic and it is hard to see through the fog as there were many happy moments as well and photos of my childhood which bring joy for me. It is hard to work through this stuff. Glad you shared here. Much love ❣️
This is so good! You really do a great job of breaking these type of things down to a new level of understanding. Being a scapegoat is like being in a parallel universe. 😒
I was always the black sheep. Could do nothing right. Blamed for my mother's moods and why the household was chaotic. I was also told in my 20s that she didn't want to have me. My father wanted a girl. She was happy with her boys. Luckily my brothers were not a part of the toxic environment and I had them to rely on. I'm 52 now with lots to sort out. Thank you for these videos.
Thanks to this video and all the wonderful comments, I finally had The bravery after 60 years to break contact with my abusive sister, and I think I can be happy now! Your channel and the people who follow you helped me change my life for the better! Thanks to you all!
Thank you, sir for this video and all its validation. No mistake: scapegoating children is torturing that child. Still in recovery, but getting stronger everyday.
I think me and my two siblings fulfilled the scapegoat roles but I think they got it worse. At the same time I was the golden child. My parents would blame us for being kids or things completely out of our control. Or we would get attacked for not doing what they wanted. For example, if my mom or dad accidentally broke something or spilled something they would blame one of us for distracting them or their thoughts (we literally did nothing but be there). The best was when my dad was several meters ahead of us and slipped on ice and blamed my brother because he turned around to look at him (false). They could just never accept things could happen and it's not embarrassing. We would get blamed for being sick or not fixing someone else's problem etc. It really messes with the head.
This hits home for me. I've been going to therapy for almost 5 years now, working on myself. Finally started going over my childhood. Then Covid happened and our housing market went from affordable, to absolutely not (in rural Idaho) so I had to move back in with my Parents with my husband. I am the scapegoat. I lived on my own for 8 years, having to move back is the worst. I have to face my trauma almost every day.
I’m rooting for you
Oh my gosh, that's the WORST. I FLED when I was 18 and just bloomed. Finally felt like ME. But would go home once a year to visit and it was HELL. Get with hubby and make an exit plan. Today. There's a way, I promise you. Good luck. 👍🌹
Sell what you can and get a travel trailer ❤
Mom constantly projected her failures, and the failures of her pet children, onto my brother and me, respectively. Very frequently we faced her rage after school, we'd hear her tearing us apart to other people, construing our efforts to spend time and relate with her out of context. I was a mixture of the rebellious and compliant child, and both of us scapegoats confronted her as possible. She marched me into psychological counseling with her and Dad, and she was told she needed counseling. Naturally, the visits to the psychologist ended.
She's been dead for well over a year now, and we're still dealing with the aftermath of her ad hoc privations, her flying monkeys' efforts to protect her from a reputation everyone already knows.
I just very recently started seeing some real progress in unbecoming the scapegoat. In a way I didn't think would happen.
I am simply not trying to fix anything or anyone, whilst redefining what guilt and shame actually is. I have stepped away and am watching everyone else suffer their consequences. I am now consistently, successfully living authentically.
Why do all your videos seem so relatable😥it's frightening how much abuse we've suffered as kids and how common it actually is
This was very helpful. I recently got a scapegoated kid's nightmare/dream come true. I got to read my mom's journal of a very turbulent time in our history... and find out everything I thought she felt about me was how she really was feeling. Other adults minimized my perception or outright accused me of hysteria. I was right though.
It is seen unnatural to hate a parent by other people that are normal however when someone is hateful towards you is it not human to hate them back ? And why is the child supposed to be the bigger person when the adult who is responsible is given the pass? It took a long time for me to realize it's perfectly okay to hate someone who's doing hateful things to you that's normal and you're not a monster for having a normal human reaction to some effed-up s***
Wow! Pay dirt!!! 🙂👍 You must feel so vindicated. I'm happy for you. 🌹
Finally, after years of therapy and still continuing to suffer from horrible C-PTSD, you nailed it! I can't thank you enough for sharing your work Patrick! You have helped me so much ❤
I overheard my mother tell my father that she liked my sister more than me because I always complained about everything. This was because I had stated the day before that she shouldn't have beat on my sister with a clothes hanger.
Oh my god that is so messed up! Poor wee soul - be kind to yourself 🙏
To all the recovering, "escapegoats"...Our hearts know when we have given too many chances and then the time comes for freedom .
Love this! You just helped me graduate from scapegoat of my family of origin to EScape goat. Thank you!
Hoping this one doesn’t make me cry, just did my makeup for work!! Lol but I just need to watch it now