What is "codependency"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)
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- Опубликовано: 22 апр 2020
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Loss of Self:
*Our needs are rejected, so we deny them.
*Our desires are ignored, so we dismiss them.
*Our opinions are invalidated, so we discard them.
*Our values are dishonored, so we abandon them.
*Our words are twisted, so we remain silent.
*Our feelings are too painful, so we numb them.
Kay Douglas
Alma Varian Gould 🙌🏻
So well said!!! Stay safe, take care & be well.
Alma wow, what an eye opener. thank you
So right Alma. all of the above sum it up to a tee.
Yes I know.Then the first few people who show up in a codependant's life after we become habituated to act a certain way who doesn't treat us like that what was done to us for a very long time then we feel like starting to following around those few people around like an obedient lost pet dog looking for a new home. If that dog doesn't have good enough central vision anymore to detect a predator pretendting to be nice to them by giving them attention while dangling some bait [like an invitation to the next party too] while in truth they are hoping to get dog meat and dog fur or they want to train an attack dog to do it for them and then the whole cycle starts all over again. If that cycle gets repeated too many times for any dog [in denial about slavery in general when being owned] then they end up becoming the kind of animal that growls and/or snaps every time someone comes near their cage at the animal shelter where no one there knows what to do. And so no more excuses for me now that I am out of denial.
This lady is so incredibly brilliant. I have so much respect for her and she is by far the most intelligent therapist I have ever heard. She really understands this complex subject!! I try to watch every video of hers because she is so gracious, knowledgeable, academic and compassionate her approach on the subject of NPD. I'm so thankful to have found her-you are saving a lot of people's lives and you deserve to be hugely recognized globally. I wish I could have had you as my therapist....would have saved me a lot of ptsd, self doubt and confusion dealing with cluster b personalities. you are the real deal. You have all my respect and attention. Thankful for you Dr. Ramani ❤️
Girl, yes! She is my FAVORITE!!!❤️ I'm always telling people about her! I agree, she should be and needs to be recognized on a global level🌎
Yup. She inspired me to contemplate starting my own channel about it.
@@danyelleorr-mcneil4711 - I hope she creates content to teach this stuff to middle scool students as part of the Health Curriculum. Awareness would arm potential victims with the knowledge they need to recognize the NPD and exit before suffering years of damage.
Every word you have said 💯 applies to me as well. I feel that Dr Ramani has saved my life too💝
@@beverlyirish7510 --We need to give young people this knowledge when they are taught sex ed so they do not have to learn it the hard way ! Silence is violence.
This was so freeing. "If you've turned your relationship into a full-time job."
The best analogy!
My mother has always been the child in the relationship crashing on my couch just completely irresponsible to herself and everyone.
I used to be a codependent until I read “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. Life changer! It goes deep into the behaviors and mindset of the codependent. I highly recommend this book.
Melodie Beattie is great 💛
Ol cat lady. I agree!
I've read this book, "Coddpency Nomore", over & over...excellent reading!
Thanks for sharing
Good for you
A lot of children of narcissists are forced into codependence with them on a deep level.
Yes! Makes me think of enmeshment.
Yupppp. Me.
Agreed... or they become narcissists themselves.
That's me. I stop being Codependent since I learn about Narcisist. I learnt everything in detail.
@@SolKiLittleSun Good! Me too. Us kids of narcissists end up with narcs as partners. But sometimes we realize its abuse, recognize the parrern, and then research the topic until we are basically experts. And then we become super good at spotting a narc from a mile away and avoiding them.
I became an “enabler” in my 27 year marriage to a narc. His parents enabled him still to this day. I bent over backwards just to keep the marriage together because of my religious convictions. Finally after exhaustion, I stopped enabling. Started demanding that my boundaries be respected. He filed for divorce. He proved to me that he wasn’t going to change, and that he didn’t love me. I’m better off now. Putting myself first and making myself a priority is not easy, but now I’m not afraid to ask for the things I need from a relationship.
I don't know your religious convictions, but from my reading of the Bible, it is clear God never approves of the "wicked", the "scoffer" or the "prideful man". That's what these narcissists are. They keep "weak-willed women" in bondage for their own use. How glad I am that you were able to find strength to of mind and will to gain freedom from a man whose father truly is the devil. May you remain always free in Christ.
nschulz75 It was pounded into me, God hates divorce. That I would be against God to divorce. It was taken out of context of course, but I bought into it for many years.
Kathy Haga Yes, I have been there and seen that. But as I realized that those ideas went against the very character of God, it makes more sense to see the sole picture of Scripture of a God who hates the proud but cares for orphans and widows in their distress. My mother is married to a narc...we just went no contact with him and now she has to decide what to do...will she still visit us alone or will she cut us off? I'm an only child with her only 5 grandkids. She is really in a pickle now. I and my husband had warned her not to marry "an unbeliever". He's actually much worse than that--he's a narc through and through. She shouldn't have married him believer or not. He is a wicked man. He will be judged unless he repents. But he can't because of his pride. We just pray he won't take her down with him. I highly doubt God cares about maintaining such a marriage compared to her getting free so she can come back to a relationship ship with her Savior. I am so glad you are free! Blessings!
Kathy Haga I was just with the narc boyfriend for a year and it has left me with a lot of psychological damage. Couldn’t imagine 27 years. You made the right choice for you, and by setting your boundaries. When you respect your self worth and set boundaries, that’s usually when they leave.
As soon as you call them out, they are out the door and you are left thinking why did I ever stick around and put up with this as long as I did? Such a waste of time, but it does teach us many things and for me it was to hold to myself and love myself even when the narcissist was telling me I wasn't worth it by discarding me into the trash as if I never existed. You know, it's all okay because life can and does go on without them. It's all for the best.
Child of a narcissistic and codependent 🙋♀️. Everything you say is true. Spent over 40 years trying figure things out.
Lots of love 💕 and good wishes for you
90 procent of the population I think
😔
Relatable af 🤓👍
I hope you are ok now :)
My therapist told me that I am co-dependent. She didn't explain it to me but you explained it well. People outside of the family can smell a codependent person and they will abuse that person. I am codependent because of self-esteem issues and being overly nice so people won't hate me. I feel as if I have to be this way so people won't abuse me. I have to work on my self-esteem that isn't tied to how other people act.
I feel this is such a strange way to behave (narcissism/narcissists)…totally Godless. I would never think to myself to bully a nice person or see what I can get out of them. You can tell when someone is lacking a backbone, but why someone would take advantage of that person instead of being nice or just leaving them be is beyond me. I find it incredibly strange how many of them there are now, too. I don’t feel it was this way when I was growing up at all, but maybe my parents did a good job of shielding me from that.
@mz. white what books have you read that helped?
@@alisha55555 you know this still baffles me up to date.
Sometimes the codependent person is abusive by lacking boundaries and smothering people with overgiving/overfunctioning.
@@avanellehansen4525 Right
I think codependent behavior undoubtedly leaves you vulnerable to narcissistic relationships.
Sure it does, people who are unsure of themselves rely on others to validate them. Unfortunately, the people who are validating them, are narcs and psychopaths. They put them on a pedestal and pull it from underneath them when the time is right.
@@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807 ya kniw what's crazy? Mynhisabd actually used those specific words..... He said and i quote "I put you on a pedestal, but im taking you off it...." I told him "I never asked you to put me there in the FIRST place!"
ChristieC
I agree! Good statement!
@@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807
I agree100%
@@AndrewLewisHowe Agreed. The need to be needed by others is certainly a form of narcissistic supply.
It's scary after recognizing narcissistic behavior. It's like a Sci Fi movie where no one recognizes the aliens have taken over until they're in control of society.
This is exactly how I feel.... strangely I always felt as a child I must have come from another planet! Now I see it all even clearer it's truly scary 😯
Omg strangely true 🤣
Great description!
Basically like the movie They Live 🕶️ How great would it be to have narc sunglasses.
Exactly what is happening with the Orange Menace vying for the WH again (but really trying to stay out of shackles. Poor, pathetic man-child.)
"Some people who are stuck in narcissistic relationships have learnt to be very judicious, and have learnt to not share their emotions with the narcissist in their life, but have a full an beautiful range of emotions with other people who are safe, healthy and loving - so it's not like they're constricted everywhere." That is so interesting!
Learning
My Narc would notice I would do that and try to find some way to invalidate the other friendship.
Unfortunately narcs often have codependents. I have a sister who has a narc husband but sadly she doesn’t have a life outside of him. I live a couple miles away and see her very rarely as she is wrapped up with him and his fam. She always seeks their approval. Even after he’s hit her and hurt her.
@@loriswenson2276 Maybe you can show this video to her and make her realize she might be a codependent!
"narcissistic relationships are characterized by the denial of your own needs" (12:45) . . . also by anxiety, denial, hypervigilance, stress "that can culminate into physical and significant mental health issues" (13:30), 'constriction of emotions' (13:40). . . "narcissists persist because the world enables them" (18:40). . . "never, ever link your self-esteem to another human being" (19:47)
Excellent note taking! Thank you for sharing.
Great notes !
I remember being hurt so badly by someone calling me a "co-dependent" when I was just struggling so bad to deal with the nightmare my sociopath had turned my life into. I was just trying my best to help this person who had presented himself to me as a victim of terrible abuse who needed saving. He went on to destroy my life and my confidence before I finally threw him out to save myself.
I had to learn that no sane, emotionally healthy male wants to be saved, pitied, or looked at as a victim. I used to love a "fixer upper," but an 11-year relationship/7-year marriage with a covert narc changed all that. The next relationship will absolutely be "move-in ready!"
@@nrsimmons178 amen!🙏🏾🙌🏾
Narcissists prey on those with high empathy, who want to help others. So often, they present themselves as victims. Provides narcissistic supply and they can proceed to manipulate that person.
@@nrsimmons178 or female!
The truth hurts sometimes. That person who said you were co-dependent was a true friend for saying so. You did not need to have your self esteem destroyed. You could have considered it and put boundaries on strictly and ended the abusive relationship. Healthy people have a low tolerance for abuse. But speaking the truth is not abuse. The truth hurts but it will set you free. Or you can spend 20 years in therapy over some bullshit the narcassist did to you in two. What was and is the home in your self esteem? That is how abusers keep you.
-Recovering Co-dependent.
Codependency is not forever. I'm incredibly sad to hear that when people label themselves as codependent (whether or not they are), some take it on as an identity and are held back because of it. For myself, I look at healing codependency as a way of ending the cycle of misery in my life and relationships, similar to how some adults learn to form secure attachments after being raised into an insecure attachment style. Every day, I work to heal and it's the most important thing I have ever done.
🥰❤️💯🎯
Being able to walk away and stay out of these relationships demonstrates the opposite of powerlessness. It shows power, strength and enough self love to want the best for ourselves.
So true. I left a Narcissist marriage. Staring over from ground 0. Just got apt. A loving table set was given to me. I had brand new mattress and box spring donated to me. It is a humble beginning, but I have peace.
My former narc once said:
"Empathy can be used as a weapon"
Using your intellect for to understand the narc's emotional maze of inequities will keep you forever in their trap.
So, what you are saying is that, a child from a narcissistic background, grows up looking for love in all the wrong places. They want those who do not love them, to love them or they feel, inadequate.
The only love they know, is rejection. It's normal to them.
Sounds about right. I personally know someone in the situation.
Man sometimes I don't know if am codependent or the covert narcissist.
@@sonyvalencia Same!
Well said
@@sonyvalencia No you not. You wouldn't be able to watch this. You just hurt.
I am guilty as charged. Well... Was. I only understood this last year after 37 years of not knowing and found out how I came to be this way. I grew up as the black sheep in a "functionally dysfunctional" family. Nothing I did was good enough for my angry stepfather. So along with the abandonment and rejection issues as a toddler I also had the people pleasing eggshell walking enabler of abuse, which no surprise ended up prime for a 10 year marriage with the narc.
It took a second relationship (really the 4th interaction) with a narcissist that woke me up last year. Now I know what it means to love myself properly, and that includes having boundaries, and healing oneself from all those childhood wounds, and dealing with one's shadow side. Hard? Yes, it can be, but we have a far better chance of doing this than those who abused us.
I relate buddy . You know you just heal in your own time as most of the world I feel has their own trauma which never gets addressed .
I often find a useful meditation is one of visualizing your inner child self and hugging them . Even if that child was technically you last week or last month for bad choices or putting up with it . Forgiveness is not just of others it can also be necesccary for oneself .
I love you like I do everyone . Hope you become free of your burdens soon enough c
Same! Its awful...married 16 years, and really struggling to get out. Education is imperative for escape, I realize this. But its amazing how much I have changed personally in this relationship. Its like I suddenlyvwoke up in a world where Im completely isolated and stuck. I cant seem to get out😣
Thanks for your input, @@goitomfessahaye1701 .
I'm still quite new to meditation, but I can already see the benefits. I do have a lot of flashbacks from back to my childhood (which I guess for those of us healing those childhood wounds will be well aware of)), and I'm always trying to be mindful of how I felt at the time for each situation. Having to forgive everybody including myself for the bad choices or reactions I took throughout life has been an eye-opening experience, and I feel better all the time for it. It does seem quite true that most people are carrying around this knid of trauma, not knowing how much better life could be if they dealt with it. I thought time healed all wounds, but really, it doesn't, we just become forgetful.
Thanks again for your kind words, brother.
@@Jessica-iq3id I know the feeling. I had no idea of what narcissism was until last year - a full 9 years after the marriage was officially over, and yet I knew something was fundamentally wrong with her, even though I couldn't put a finger on it. I knew she got a kick out of getting a rise out of me, so I learned what grey rocking was before I even heard of the term. Now it all makes so much sense, but it doesn't fix the problem of being able to remove yourself from the situation.
But you can do it. You need to make small steps, starting with knowing what your particular triggers are, and not reacting to them, then not feeding into their provocation. Ross Rosenberg calls this the "Observe, don't absorb" technique, which is handy for those that have removed the emotional attachment from the equation. I'm sure you have to be careful, even more so if there are children involved, but you can do it, and if you can put up with that kind of abuse for that long then you can certainly survive the aftermath. 🥰❤
@Michael Brabant.... Thanks!
Codependency is staying in an abusive relationship instead of leaving. Narcissists can be codependent as well, stalking the empath who hurts them by leaving, instead of letting go.
I’m experiencing the stalking now
I am finding this out now.
It’s been 13 years since divorcing my narc and he still stalks me.
Codependents can be narcs as well. Well actually they are. Those two are like the two sides of the same coin
Winning the unwinnable parent leading to trying to win the unwinnable spouse = thanku for providing clarity to my situation 💜
I save my emotions for the good, trustworthy people in my life....the narcissists get grey rock.....always! Man, these narcissistic creeps are EVERYWHERE!!!! Thank you, Dr. Ramani...your video's have been invaluable in my healing journey.
Nancy, yes sadly they do appear to be prolific. Shocking! 💐
And Black Weirdo, that’s where the positive comes out of identifying codependency; breaking the cycle. 💐
This is why I never opened up to my narc crush. I just knew I couldn't trust her, I knew she would use it as power. What people put into me is what they get back. To say I never really knew her I knew EVERYTHING about her life...
This is the motto!
Oh goodness aren't they! Absolutely everywhere like cockroaches
Dr.Ramani you opened my eyes! I thought being a codependent was showing love.
Me too! ☹️
That would be too easy. Instead it jus means someone messed us up and we have to dig ourselves out of hell.
@@gabby413 Yep!
Obidience is not love :(
Accepting disobidience and holding space for it is much more closer to love
Gabby, telling it like it is!
I went through a very toxic relationship with a narcissist and it was one of the most traumatic things I have ever endured including the break up. Without that relationship I would have never come across Dr. Ramani's videos on narcissism and emotional abuse and how those patterns connected with my parents. Feeling that I was never enough or unworthy of love for so many years and how for so many years I was repeating patterns with different people.There is a saying that "there is a plenty of fish in the sea" however, if I didn't give myself the time to heal after that toxic relationship I would have just continued the same pattern of being hurt and hurting myself in my relationships. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani for opening my eyes to my past so I can have a brighter future!
It feels better to know other people are on the same journey. Good Luck ✨
You have explained exactly what I have went through.
Dr Ramani is incredibly knowledgeable, insightful and compassionate. She is a global treasure. 💐
Dr. Ramani, I feel like there are a lot of resources out there for understanding what narcissism is and how to spot it, but there isn’t much out there about getting back to your old self and getting past all of the abuse.
Your videos have helped me to understand what I’ve been through so much, and I now know that I’m not crazy and that there was something off with him and I’ve finally accepted that.
I’m at a place where I know I’ll still have bad days when I miss him, but I know that he was bad for me, and he could never love me the way a healthy person should. But now I’m at a point where I just feel numb to everything, and afraid to be nice to anyone because I don’t want to find myself in another position where someone can take advantage of my kindness. Ive been this way for so long now that I don’t know if I even know how to be kind anymore. I’ve mostly kept myself isolated so that I do t have to disappoint people or be so awkward around them. Can you do a series on what steps you should take to put yourself back together again?
Yes! Seeing the problem, and even getting free of the narcissist, is different from recovery.
Have you checked out Richard Grannon? He teaches on how to heal from narcissistic abuse.
@@Hawelufamily I was going to mention Richard Grannon as well. He has a free course on Decreasing Emotional Flashbacks that was VERY helpful in my healing. His videos are very informative as well.
I second the RG vids and courses, very well articulated, informative, and if you put it to work, and I mean a lot of hard work, you can rebuild yourself and see through the dark glass
Stephanie I think we all feel like we have been robbed of our former self and forever changed by the narcissist. I think you have to realize that you were a great person before the narcissist! You deserve to be around people who care about you and love you for who you are! (Meaning family and friends) Don’t let them (the narc) keep the true YOU from existing. I understand how you feel and I realize it would be so easy to isolate ourselves out of fear of falling prey to another narcissist. My take on this is: Don’t let the narcissist continue to rob you of your future! You need to get back in touch with your emotions and allow them to be. I am working through this same thing myself. Dr. Ramani and Dr Carmen Bryant are both right on with their very “True advice” on this subject! Realize that it may take some time. Allow yourself the time to heal. I will be Praying for you that you will discover your true self again and get your true beautiful self and life back! 💕
I used to think I needed others to feel a sense of esteem, but then after experiencing abuse and standing firm with my boundaries, I came to realise I didn't need anyone. I was strong enough to just be myself and practice self-love. 🍒
Great comment!! ❤
This comment section is a treasure of experiences of strong women who managed to protect themselves and their children from a lot of emotional pain and unhappiness.
My father was codependent enabler, I became one. You're teaching about something I now realize I have control of.
My adopted father was too. I wasn't a codependent, but I had hangups for quite a few years after I left home at 18. These faded. But looking back my codependent father could be quite toxic and selfish. I was condemned as rebellious and a black sheep, but really I wasn't. I was actually a soldier in the British Army and quite a conformist. I think it was was minimal contact and living far away from them that allowed me to have the life that I wanted and enjoyed. Stay in control Rhoda, it's your life , not theirs.
Many people confuse codependent with patience and hope. But many in these positions finally do hit their limit and make a change, and sometimes they put up with obnoxious behavior for reasons beyond their control at the moment. It isn’t always a weakness of character that keeps people seemingly stuck. Love your vids.
Yeah I once went under spiritual transformation , after being an addict for a decade and arguably my whole life.
Really made an effort to look at all my wrongs and improved vastly then I naturally became aware of my own family were all dysfunctional but was just approaching them with a Buddha like mentally . Little did I know ileventually this wore me down their narcissm, hatefulness frustration , controlling behaviour and it dragged me down back into relapse . I blamed them for a long time but ultimately neither they or me were to blame , like Dr ramani says they're habits are hardly ever going to change and I was young in spiritual healing journey now I just love on create strict boundaries and don't feel obligated to maintain this illusions of an authentic loving family . Try and expand your network and this will hopefully help you very kuch.
Sophia Lahen yes it’s exactly how you put it
Goitom Fessahaye I love your story ❤️
mariyaa111 yes love hearing about how “seeing clearly” at last enables us to see the damage for what it is. It is not easy though to get out and it is risky too so good planning is required and keeping the plan to yourself until you can implement it
Yes
I realized my ex husband was a narcissist about 20 years into our marriage. After therapy and education, I did leave him and we are divorced. It did take 5 years after I was awakened to the abuse. Codependency was a small part of the relationship but mostly in relation to his shopping addiction. Once I realized the shopping wasn't the fire issue, lying and deceit and lack of ability to empathize were, I was done. Now no contact and "grey rock" when communicating about the kids.
Joye Sexton, very similar situation. My ex had a secret sexual life for the entirety of our relationship. I didn’t know what I didn’t know, until his double life was exposed. Sexual addiction “sobriety” and “Recovery” were for appearances only. His real issue is his dysfunctional personality and abusive nature. Yellow rock here.
Relateable! Good for you!! 😼
@@gigibtsurvivor3348 - What's "yellow rock"? Just curious!
‘You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. You can’t cure it.’
What we tell people who have loved ones with addiction should be the same thing we tell people who are in relationships with narcissists.
Definitely a narcissistic background... I need to be someone’s choice. I finally learned I choose me. The right man will love that about me.
So wise
I would give anything to have had this knowledge 30+ yrs ago, and I would not be in the prison I'm stuck in now. The narcissist I exist with has multiple health issues including dementia. I have no family in the area & no support system to speak of. Isolation began from the start all those many yrs ago, and I didn't know any better at 19 yrs old. A lonely person all my life, so the love bomb worked like a charm. Ugh!!
And what are doing about it now that you know ? I hope things are getting better for you.
Same Linda...I spent so much time alone that my husband targeted me and I just couldn’t make sense of how it went. I was 28 but very naive. I just wanted someone to share my life with and got so much more. I was the one who ended up with health issues and he is trying to exploit my issues to get me not to divorce him. He is a powerful man in his job but I want no parts of it anymore. I pray you’re able to get some peace from your connection to him.
I'm defiantly not judging you cause I know I put up with way too much for so long trying to "love like Jesus" but I do hope you can get out of that situation.
You are not a codependent you are an angel stay well
Hi Linda, your post struck a spot in my heart. I am in a similar boat. And if you are a Christian woman, you always thought you were doing the Christian=like thing by putting your husband first and others last. Then one day you realize about this CNPD and that you simply got sucked in and used up and before you know it, you e been completely isolated from your support system. I am a nurse and can only imagine how this has played out for you now that he has dementia and all the rest. IMHO now that you e stayed this long, should you see it through till the end so that you can get something out of all those years you e put in? I know that’s a cold way to think about it, but it sadly may be the truth.
Dr ramani please make a video on PTSD in narcissitic relationships 🙏 i would love to hear you explain about it.. You explain it so well i love listening to you
I owe my life to Dr. Ramani and these RUclips videos. I have a narcicistic father and I was extremely codependent as the youngest my role was “care taker” that’s all I was trained to do my whole life I’m 25 now and just starting a job and I no longer live with my father and have minimal to no contact with my siblings. My situation made me extremely depressed and suicidle I genuinely thought I had no choice and no escape other then taking my life. She really gave me to courage and tools I needed for setting boundaries, and while I’m not fully over the emotional trauma I am doing much better and moving forward.
That last bit was my favourite.
I just ended a very short relationship that showed many textbook narcissistic red flags. Love bombing, alcoholism, gaslighting, rage, and more. These videos and other have been key in helping me see the patterns quickly and clearly, and giving me the confidence to nip it in the bud. There are still moments when I wonder ... if I had only said things differently here, or been less reactive there, could it have turned out differently?
“Never ever link your self esteem to another human being...”
Thanks, I needed to hear that.
Good for you. So happy you didn’t invest more time in that relationship
I always found it interesting that all the Narcs I’ve known in my life have been addicts (specifically alcoholics) I wonder about the correlation?
@@hughkelly623 I think that codependents can easily be addicts too.
I loved this video as it cleared up some unsettling feelings that I have had about codependency. I was told by my therapist that I am codependent but it never felt right to me. I immediately left a relationship after being physically abused. Once my ex-narc husband left and I figured out what he is I went no contact which was a saving grace. I agree that we get confused by the hope that someone will be better and stick things out for too long. Once we realize that it is never going to happen we cut our losses by getting out. We take care of ourselves, that for sure is not codependent it is just smart.
Finding a partner in life that doesn't expect you to only serve them, but being an equal partner so both can thrive is needed. Draining a person is not a healthy relationship. Both need to be ok/healthy. The codependent may destroy their life helping others to the point of yes hurting their kids etc. Enabling/unbalanced relationships is not good.
In addition to males being entitled
Thank you! Codependency has become my identity. I can see my mother was waiting for my dad to show up, and I formed similar habits towards my father. I then went on to do this with the men I've dated.
As a teen, I suspected my dad was gay, so as an adult woman, I would choose men I believed were in the closet then attempt to rescue them from it. Now I'm ashamed of this behaviour.
I thought I was completely normal, and this cruel world needed my "help" to restore it. I was certain that I was simply a person who is a little more generous, and helpful than the average person. Illusions are very convincing indeed.
Child of a narcissist, codependent relationships.... what you say solves so many mysteries for me
I am a recovering codependent. Learning I was codependent was a shock.
I am from unhealthy family and all my relationships used to be very codependent. There always have been a guy, a friend, a co-worker who was my "human project". I just used to take care of somebody until I fell exhausted. And how many of this people are still around? About zero. All this relationships ended with a bruised narc's ego and me resembling my own shadow. I used to feel guilt for saying any "no", I used to gaslight myself and have poor connection with my own feelings. In my worse days I feel like I am only waiting until life will pass, like it is a burden. Only making the list of things I am grateful for turns me back to life, or journaling about stuff that made me feel anything good.
Also, it is a good point that I used to do things I wasn't asked for. Looking back, I see that sometimes refusing could save a lot of time and resources to me and other. Just I have this feeling like if I am not doing anything for anybody, I am pointless creature. Still can not get used to the idea it is not so.
Dariia Popovych I hope you can find some things in life that you enjoy and can love. I have spent way too much time in unproductive draining relationships and unpleasant situations with people, so right now I am focussing on my own interests and goals, such as artistic pursuits and reading. Plus a simple, healthy lifestyle. If you can find and have a hobby you like, that can really lift your spirits and focus on yourself instead of onto others. Eg photography - or anything you can do and learn about now in this period of pandemic isolation. Or work on improving your skills for better employment success. I wish you all the best.
@@elipotter369 thank you. You have very kind heart.
Hey I get you and here is the answer: "If I dont help others my life is useless" this is a belief. It is not a reality. Just a belief. Secondly, Yes, doing for others is noble and gives a higher type of pleasure but it has to come naturally. And it will come naturally when you feel full yourself. And if you do it while your empty then you're being a slave of your beliefs and also won't be able to serve so well. But if you invest in filling yourself up healthily then service will naturally pour out healthily
Dariia this was me. Always trying to validate my existance by doing evrything I could for others. My relationships are a collection of those human projects that were broken and I tried everything I could to make them whole again. I recently realised I'm codependent and I'm starting therapy soon to get over the s**t my narcissistic dad did to me, my eating disorders that started from an early age (thanks, dad) and also codependency. I'm starting to believe that I am enough. You are, too. Without any tricks, bells and whistles. Just you. As you are.
@@BagznBirdz thanks, dear. Wishing you the best with the therapy.
There is a constant feeling of "fixing" or "needing to fix" the relationship the situation the crisis to crisis living all stemming from the needs and demands of the narcissist. The focus is called "us" and it is really always "him" (or her if the partner is a female narcissist). The loss of self for me was from the get go because I came out of a parental narcissist pattern--never knowing that was what I was dealing with.
Sending love to everyone here in the comments ❤️ Thank you for the love, support, and community.
If there's one thing I learned in therapy. narcissistic mother = co-dependent children. Then co-dependent son marries narcissistic wife. When she was drinker I would enable her with what I now know was just unreasonable things. The narcissism would really surface when she was drunk and I would just brush it off. She quit drinking later in life and as I became aware I noticed the traits were always there, just not as magnified but it was more frequent. Once the devaluing started they really got ramped up again. I hope she gets help but I am breaking the cycle.
I have educated herself about narcissistic relationships through these RUclips lectures. I am now in a very loving and stable relationship. However, your lecture makes me feel I need psychological detox. My childhood neglect and physical abuse is still haunting me. I sometimes get trauma flashbacks of my childhood. Strangely, these flashbacks only started after I became aware of this narcissism and I started focusing on myself.
Thank you for helping me make sense of a traumatic confusing childhood. Doing much better now.
In many parts of world where mental health awareness and professional services are meagre, your book/online help on codependency would be life saver.
Inspired by your existence.
Selflove is key. It took me 30 years to realize this. Very good Information on Codependency. I'm so over it now because I woke up to what was really going on in my dysfunctional marriage.
Every one who stays for long time in a narcisistic relation, including myself, 17 years married to a narc, is codendent person, but i did not know what narcisissem is, and i never did anything in a bad attencion, and that is the reason why it is never the fault of the codependent person, until you realise what are dealing with it can not be your own fault. But when you know what you are dealing with and then keep on letting it happen, then you really are codependent and then you have a real Problem. I feel bad for People who does not see, but i myself also did not see for many many years. So it is really difficult. Love from Switzerland
Most in the mainstream are not aware of the terms narcissist or psychopaths, and this explains why people are trapped in relationships with them
True. Once you know you can’t not know. When Dr. Ramani gave the definition of codependency, I had a difficult time accepting that definition as a description of myself or some other people I know. It was never my intention to control the narcissist/alcoholic in my life, My codependency was only a way to stay safe. Unfortunately, I have met some people who truly do want to control their family members by using codependent behavior patterns. I feel those different motivations create very different dynamics. Those trying to control others to enhance their own sense of self worth are every bit as bad as the alcoholic or narcissist. No matter what, we just have to focus on our own motivations and do the best we can to be honest with ourselves about them.
Her explanation of codependency is so brilliant. She is describing my home as a child. My father was a drug addict and my mother sympathized with him and his complaints of how he was mistreated on his job and unfairly fired. Everything revolved around his needs in the family. My mother denied her own comfort and needs and at times the needs of her children to satisfy my father's thirst for drugs and fast food etc.
Thank you for making this video. This cycle describes my family system to a t. Dad was an addict, mom kept insisting that he would get better and children left to their own devices. They fed us, housed us and educated us, and I'm grateful for that. They were so focused on each other that they didn't really impact us. Mom's still the rescuer trying to "bring back" the love of her life and refuses to admit she was duped. Dad's still a monster. All us kids have grown and left. To anyone reading this: if you have the chance to escape, do it. Leave them behind. They cannot change so they won't.
I’m grateful every day for the discovery that my friend/coworker was a narcissist because [A] it meant I wasn’t going out of my mind and [B] it helped me to uncover my own issues with codependency so I can figure them out and work on them!
I have this exact situation! What were the signs for you because it's still pretty new for me and I've been ruminating a lot. Still trying to make sense of it and shocked as well.
Thank God! For Dr. Ramani, my addictions students for the past few years have learned so much from her Awesome presentation's.
Dr. Ramani views are better teaching than most classroom's I prepped in
Thank you Dr. Ramani
Professor Walt💥
This is the best educational video I've ever seen on any subject. Dr. Ramani is a brilliant communicator and therapist. The amount of healing she is facilitating with her videos is immeasurable. THANK YOU DR RAMANI!!!
This is very important to me. I was brought up by a Passive Aggressive Covert Narcissist. It took me 51 years to break free.
I’m 64 and now I’m facing that I have at least 1 and possibly 2 adult children with Narcissistic personality styles.
I’ll need to watch this again.
Many thanks.
I’m glad you put this topic in the series. I believe my mom was a classic codependent, not only with my alcoholic brothers but my narcissistic sister, as well. She continually bailed out my brothers which allowed them to continue their unhealthy lifestyles, and excused my sister’s behavior Every Single Time. All of this was meant to keep peace in the family...peace at any cost. It took me years to realize how this dynamic played out and affected my family. I’m thankful to be able to say that our younger family members have caught on and are much better at settling boundaries. No more walking on eggshells!
Thank you for shedding light on this, it has been incredibly helpful why a person, who has been in a narcissistic relationship, denies everything and gaslights her kids
I love that Dr. Ramani does her videos largely unedited. It shows humanity and that she’d rather get the information out there than worry about perfection.
What came first, the narcissist or the co-dependent? I wish they taught this stuff in high school. Thanks so much for all of your insight!
I am not certain that I would have emotionally understood it as a teen since I was so completely under my narc mother's spell...perhaps at college/University age. Any thoughts from other narc survivors???
Some things comes from life's experiences only. That is organized education is just means to make money and only limited to certain courses and for some people not everyone.
This stuff absolutely should be taught in schools. Even a basic level understanding would be so helpful (eg., things that a good friend would do vs a narcissistic 'friend' and how to avoid narcs). This should be standard knowledge in all workplaces so bosses will hire based on skill and character rather than superficial charm and looks.
I would say the co-dependency on the parent.
like the codependency doesn't leave them, never standing up for themselves..growing inside them resentment turning them into a narcissist
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. What an eye-opener! I survived all the dynamics - depression, denial of my needs, crippling anxiety, hypervigilance to keep myself from being constantly denied, stress...it was a mad relationship, and I felt so unsafe and unable to open up emotionally. With my close friends though, I was free and normal! Blessed everyday that I'm not in that system anymore...
Oh, hello! I believe we’re able to deny all levels of enabling but our bodies store this and react appropriately. Illnesses, cancer, pain, shrinking of our spirit shown in bad posture, you name it; it will come out.
Thank you Doc for more food for thought. Always 💐🐬🦋
I was diagnosed as co dependent after listening to the video I discovered that I am far from co dependency.
This series is SO GOOD that, as soon as it ends, I'm going to go to chapter 1 and go over it again.
How do I find series on this subject?
@@bethlombardi1605 Hi! You can find the whole series here: ruclips.net/p/PL3QtnfcMTMhEfRXN-Kk2vndn89nBZxKUj
@@bethlombardi1605 Hope you enjoy and learn from it as good as I did. it has really made a difference in my relationships. Doctor Ramani is really good.
Thank you-I’m glad you addressed the codependent vs trauma bond connection; which could warrant a whole separate video.
I'm glad you gave an accurate description. I get annoyed when people use codependency as simply another term for dependency. I have a real hard time with people saying narcissists are codependent. They are not! Narcisdists have a dependency need for fuel but they do no relinquish their needs to attend to the needs of others unless it is a facade to manipulate others. Big difference!
"Never ever link your self esteem to another human being". I'll never forget this. Thanks doc!
That is so profound! “Narcissists exist because the world enables them” 🤯
i would have thought I was a co-dependent until I discovered the 'narcissist' information. I'm not (much). Knowledge really was power for me. I am now out after 26 years. THANK YOU!
Elizabeth Miller,You look stunning,hope you are not with a narc 😈!
The thing I've often struggled with was the denial by my family to even listen to my opinions or objections to their criticism .
I was never against their criticism although sometimes k get hyper vigilant and emotional , I try and recificy the situation by writing an email saying both parties may or may have done things badly , but they just operate out of controlling and narcisstictic behaviour . The worst is when you lose your job or are struggling to lift yourself up and they act this way and believe nothing you have to say is valid as cirtism towards then and often becomes a non reciprocal relationship . I've battled with resentment for a while but you just have to allow the compassion and understanding that they are just unconciously acting out and even though its not right the compassion and forgiveness of for yourself to at least be able to deal with it until you become independent enough both financially and emotionally, by getting a place and finding a good support network , to then move on .
I just wanted to thank you for posting this type of material. You have helped me understand a 37 year disaster through sharing content and experience.
Never ever link your self esteem to another person. You are you. Free standing unit. You are embedded in lots of important systems. It your sense of self your self compassion your self worth they all come from you.
Dr. Ramani, you’re amazing! I feel like I should be paying you for these wonderful insights and explanations. Thank you!!
It gets so confusing because the definition of a "good wife" and a "good mother" in my culture is about putting others first. Luckily, I have been too selfish to pursue these roles. But I did feel guilty and like a failure for not being like those around me.
You got it! Patriarchy, which an extension of male narcissism, seeks to make women Codependent!
So true! This is where the blurred line for me seemed to just disappeared. Even in the stupid shows I was exposed to growing up, you didn't see the kids doing the dishes or folding the laundry. I felt like I wanted my kids to be able to enjoy their childhood, so maybe I took care of some of the monotonous stuff. But when they got older and it came time to delegate the narc ex-husband pretty much ruined the whole plan by trying to iron fist them into helping. He certainly didn't help much with household tasks either, and when he did run the vacuum, it was a big production of how good he was. Anyway I do agree you think you're being a good wife and allowing your children moments to be a kid then you wake up and you've been living a nightmare.
I stopped breathing while finding myself into a narcissistic relationship for more than 30 years, thank you so much
Growing up I learned to keep the narcissists/ ASP happy by giving up any boundaries. It was survival and calming the waters. I replayed in my marriage. I feared having boundaries and self esteem because it brought only abuse.
I thank you for this because I do think somebody recovering from narcissistic abuse should not be thrown the term codependent when they were actually just victimized and they need help and healing and not to made it feel like somehow its their fault .
Nest of cluster B’s. Like a hornets 🐝 nest. Brilliant!
Tewdy Quew you are so correct. so I suppose it is the fault of Ted Bundy's victims that they were his victims as well right? if somebody takes candy from a baby it's the baby's fault right? boy am I waking up. also my brain just flat ass couldn't believe that a human being could behave in such a fashion on purpose in any way. I sure can now. I don't relate to it but I know it's there. Be safe all
Laura Cunningham thank you I'm in total agreement
Very well said. So true. Happy to find people here who understand this.
This is so random, but I used to have a friend when I was in high school (we're still friends) who had this gorgeous singing voice, one of the best female soprano voices I might add. She's eight years older than me, and I remember how real she came across to me. Generally just super humble and in touch with her own vulnerabilities and her gifts. No diva complex about her whatsoever. Dr. Ramani, you remind me of her so much. You're like the psychotherapist version of my friend Hilary. I'm gonna recommend your channel to her.
I am a true codependent I have the desire to stay and weather the storms because I always had to. I constantly seek to make people happy because truly I am not. And I would not want anyone to feel the way I do all the time so I reach for any way I can make a person feel comfortable. Even if it means doing things I don’t want to do. I feel the pressure of the other person and because I want to make them happy or smile or just be nice to me. I go all out . I am truly a codependent people pleaser. Great job at braking things down the way you do. I love your videos there helping my life in such a wonderful way.!
I feel bad for codependent people. Many of them stay in an abusive relationship because they fear being alone. I was an only child. So being alone comes natural to me. Its easy for me to leave when Im being abused.
My siblings are much older so I was also raised as an only child. I'm not codependent in relationships but I see it in my friends and I try to save them from their own codependent behaviors. I'm not sure how to deal with it even though I'm happily married.
I am codependent and I’m learning to be happy alone . It’s hard for me to leave as I’m afraid of being alone.
i am an only child, but was constantly expected to deny my own needs to comfort my volatile parent. once i learned about narcissism i was able to leave. but it was very hard before that because i want a family soon and thought going through the process with someone else would take too long.
Again fantastic!
Stayed out of loyalty, kids, and hoping for things to improve some day (they never will)
She was ruining my life until she left
God rescued me
The lesson: Always be in touch with your own needs and look after #1 . If you don’t nobody will.
Thank you for highlighting this, Dr Ramani. I’m well and truly out of this toxic codependency cycle with my Narc husband and this happened only after the discard, when I started looking for answers. What is horrifying now is, I’m witnessing my adult daughter and teenage son getting trapped in the same cycle with their father. They have became the enablers and I’m not able to coerce them out of this mindset. Years of being raised in a dysfunctional family system has resulted in compromises being made, just so that they can somehow earn their father’s withheld approval and they nurse grand hopes that he will change for the better, although his track records prove otherwise. It’s heartbreaking to realise that perhaps, just like me, only when he discards them for good will they realise the magnitude of the deception they were enmeshed in.
Nelumbo,Omg, this is EXACTLY how I feel!! Exactly my situation! Couldnt have said it any better myself.
Me to, that is the worst thing, when you know, but you can not save your children.
I am so grateful to you for taking the time to explain the relationship between codependency and how it relates to someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family system. I suffered narcissistic abuse in my family of origin. This dynamic repeated itself in my adult relationships...roomate/"best friend", ex husband and then a fiance whom I broke it off with. Finally I now understand. It was easy to just say, "Oh, I'm codependent". It goes so much deeper than that but to the uneducated observer, it is easy to label it as such and I believed it! Now I know so much more about the nature of narcissistic abuse and can finally make sense of it all thanks to you. I am so grateful to you for taking the time to explain what has been so difficult for me to make sense of and to explain to others. I gave up. You have helped me see the light. God bless you Dr. Ramani.
Is it possible to save our children? Even our young adult children. I feel guilty for keeping my children in the situation, but I kept them in it trying to keep the family together. I finally got out but they will still be affected, becuase he is their father and one still has to visit him on weekends. Ugghhh
@@lisajames3117 i know exactly how you feel. But i believe that you can only save someone who knows what narcisissem is and undestands it fully. My children are 16 and 20 and they do understand something but they still Love their father and i see how they are struggeling but i cannot do anything about it. It is really hard.
Thank you soooooo much. I almost didn't watch this video because of the topic. I have gotten so tired of people assuming that I stayed with my ex so long because I "needed to feel needed." I can assure you, I don't need someone to need me! I do like to help others, and I used to do so at my own expense (because I didn't know anything else), but I don't get my self-esteem from thinking I can change someone else.
I am so grateful that you made that point clear.
GREAT VIDEO!
Yes exactly this! I always feel a little bit offended by the term. I am so happy on my own and not being drained the whole time by someone who needs me to be someone else and keeps changing the goal posts.
I do however have issues with boundaries. I do try to set them but I found that I try to understand where the other is coming from too much. Only now at 41 I’m realising that it doesn’t matter and I need to stop giving others excuses to treat me like crap. Or even recognising that they are.
I’m now realising that growing up with a parent with mental health issues and alcoholism warped my judgement. It helped me not to become too traumatised and to be albe to love my mom as I was growing up. But on the other hand it blinded me to unhealthy behaviour because it seemed normal to me to try and figure out what’s underneath and what I myself can do to better the situation. I think THAT is the problem. Not the need to be needed.
" Putting myself first and making me a priority isn't easy...!"
*I felt that!
😢
This Bell thing really works... Why am I obsessed to be the first to put a comment....lol. my daily dose of dr. Ramani
After being addicted to crazy N . Now We are addicted to healing and learning 😎
Chi Ma you’re not alone loool
You're proud, and rightly so, that you're spending your time constructively healing yourself, by her, and us too! 😘
It’s fun to type, “First!”
Hi I’m Amy and I’m addicted to Dr Ramani’s RUclips videos. And I read all the comments 🙋🏼♀️love all the love here 💖
I was definitely in a co-dependent friendship. I made my narcissist best friend of 15 years even worse by letting her get away with being mean to others. I don't know why I didn't just get away sooner. It's also really difficult not to gaslight yourself when you see all these posts about "real friends are always there for you" which made me feel like, if I left, I was the terrible person. Our friendship ended abruptly after I said no to something, and I'm sure she expected me to return with an apology. Thankfully I found all of Dr. Ramani's videos and they really helped me realize what was going on, so I wouldn't return to her like I did before. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani, it's hard to look back and see how many mistakes I made, but I'm grateful to be free.
You did a great job . I too been in narcissistic friendship of 8 years . Before 3 days I deleted her last flying monkey . 😊😊 so happy
@@ka8990 I'm glad to hear you got away too! It's hard but it's also incredibly liberating!
Everyday is celebration . ❤
I’ve left 3 narcissistic friends during covid.....realized I was totally enabling their abuse toward me & others ......awful! I feel much better 🌺
From where I come from I can't really afford any form of therapy but this channels's videos along with the various books I have read helped me overcome narsisstic abuse and also reclaim my self esteem
Thank you ❤️
Dr Ramani
OMG! This is so about me! An alcoholic boyfriend for many years, always trying to make him better and denying the totality of his problem that has affected my entire life with my now estranged children. Not only was he a narcissist, but my mom and my oldest brother were also horrific narcissists. Share emotions growing up, didn't happen. Wow! Now my entire family is gone and I've had much time to learn about this problem, but my children won't listen and won't talk to understand what has gone on in this family. Consequently, I am totally alone in this world. I do have a narcissistic girlfriend that I've noticed "everything and every conversation is about her" and if it's not, she will make it about her. And, she's a habitual liar! I am 69 years old. There IS NO therapy available.
Jane Johnson,You deserve better 🙏🙏🙏
Jane Johnson: God Bless your Soul .
I needed this, codependency definitely started with my parents. Thank you. 💚
Debra Cottrill,You look stunning,hope you are not with a narc 😈!
I look to your tutorials for the facts, for learning in a language I can understand for answers to my questions. What I find consistently is authenticity, a real unmasked kindness toward others. In giving away all this knowledge (traditionally held behind a pay as you go curtain) you are helping thousands to find healing and teach and protect their young from the same suffering. You have my respect. Thank you for what you do.
Thank you for your kind words!!
Your welcome
I like that you mentioned its destabilizing to question the fam dynamic..Because for me thats exactly how ive felt facing the reality of it.Its like discovering your in a nightmare in real life..Its traumatizing dealing with it.
Count me into the group that was set free once I learned and recognized that my dad was a narcissist. Only took me 45 years but what a weight off my shoulders. Your videos are the main source of that lifted burden, thank you sooooo much ♥
THANK YOU Dr Ramani for removing the dogma that every person with a narcissist is a codependent. Some are, some aren't, and each one needs to be looked at individually instead of labeling everyone in one box. Thank you for addressing this !!
I wish I had this knowledge before I got married... it's like she is seeing my life!!!! In fact, my therapist just told me the same thing. Thanks Dr. Ramani. You are helping me heal and become a better person.
My mom still wanted to pick out my outfits when I was in my early 20’s I was like her puppet no identity she wanted to control all that she could 28 now still healing sooo difficult thank you for these videos
OMG, I grew up in an invalidating family where noone had my back...and I keep ending up with "broken" men in relationships where I keep trying to help them and rescue them...only recently I realized that and am making a change. Thank you for pointing it out for me. It really helps my efforts and explains a lot. I just got out of a relationship with a narcissist. The one before was a substance abuser. Thank you for educating me on this issue. Makes me feel much better.
Well done - clarity with facts in a cool yet compassionate loving way.
Thanks Mama!
It was like a big hug to my heart, a heart that is now healing for good!
Thanks Dr. Ramani. This was a great insight into codependency. Your videos are helping me through this lockdown and no contact. Lots of love!
Dr. Ramani, thank you so so so so much for all you do and for who you are.
You have such compassion with this prevalent sensitive subject. Help so much going into the discard in the beginning of this year.